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Back to Life Is Really Hard (Residency Edition)

Things I've learned: I do like obstetrics. Mainly, I like that routine obstetric clinic visits are fast and easy, I like that I know how to do basic labor and triage tasks quickly and efficiently, and I like that I get to do cesarean deliveries. That being said, I think I can live without it. There's lots of confounding hours (like who's on my team, the better hours, etc), but gyne is where I'm much, much happier. And that's where I am now!! At the same time I'm trying to buckle up for MIGS applications which happen next year, and basically the advice given to me was to make peace with the numbers because it's possibly one of the most competitive fellowships across all specialties with a 50/50 chance. I'm motivated: I'm about to submit an IRB for my research project, I'm working on manuscript revisions for my med school paper, I'm involved with ACOG on a state level, I have another research project that might come to fruition, and I'm hoping to design a surgical skills curriculum for medical students. I've also started looking in-depth at away rotations for MIGS, and I'm making a spreadsheet of every program I want to apply to (so, probably 50-60 programs). But I also need to be realistic and have a Plan B, because it's a coin flip whether I match.

But to level with ya'll, despite this sliver of ambition I've regained, I'm SO depressed. Like, VERY FREAKING DEPRESSED. I'd say my mood is largely fine, but man, it is incredibly difficult to get out of bed, to be on time, want to be around my co-residents. I'm finally on weekly Prozac again, but my dose most likely needs increased. I'm also starting therapy (again) tomorrow. But it's just... hard. My life got pretty bad at the start of the year. My cat getting really sick, going into a lot of debt from vet bills and conference costs, my car getting vandalized. My oncology rotation was probably the worst I have ever performed in all of residency. I got some really, really tough feedback. It really knocked me on my ass. Things are slowly getting better, but again, I'm working against this baseline depression. The best I can describe it is just... heavy, or blurred. I lost my zest for life. It's like my life is muted.

I drew a tarot card yesterday to describe where I'm at in my life right now. I drew the 10 of Swords.

Yep. That's residency.

My tarot draws are always like this. I gravitate towards swords and cards like The Tower. It's not all bad, though. I like the concept of death, decay, and endings. I like that it creates fertile soil with which life can rise anew. Consider the artwork from the Light Seer's tarot:

We face the loss, the betrayal, the stress... whatever it is that is causing us so much pain. It will always be a part of us, but what rises up from the ashes is much brighter and stronger, "vulnerable, whole, and totally and powerfully alive."

I drew the Tower card before I drew the 10 of Swords. I like the chronology of it, too. It makes sense with the sequence of events in my life, first undergoing its major upheaval (my break-up with my fiance, moving to a new city alone, being dumped by the rebound I fell in love with, living independently for the first time in over a decade, all with the background of my chronic depression)... and then when the fire finally goes out and the dust settles... it's this empty, desiccated landscape, full of hurt and pain and loneliness. But despite all this, the sun still shines, the rain falls, and slowly life springs forth from the rot. I really resonate with cards like these, like Death, The Tower, The Fool, any card that represents endings and beginnings.

(Lol I lost my actual journal and my thoughts had to go somewhere so here we are.)

Anyway back to medicine (ugh), I'm again trying to focus on the ME outside of residency. The YA romantasy books, training for a Tough Mudder, resuming my interest in obscure non-fiction, tennis.

I'm also researching creatine??? IDK my brain is in a million places right now. My boxing class got cancelled so I biked for 40 minutes while watching 1000-lb sisters. Before I was obsessively looking up MIGS fellowship programs and I needed to get my mind OFF residency and medicine.

And since I find my mind drifting back to something that already occupies WAY TOO MUCH SPACE in my life, I'm gonna peace and work on Kingdom of Ash until I fall asleep

#residency #medical school #med school #medblr #gradblr #premed

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ya so my cat had a bowel perf and septic peritonitis and legit almost died so

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Yaaaa'llll my cat isn't eating again and is acting sickly and after her bowel-obstruction-to-almost-dying thing my anxiety is thru of the ROOF. I gave her an antiemetic this morning before work and locked her in my room with water and food, but I've been checking on her through my PetCam and she hasn't eaten yet. Didn't even go for the treats.

She is going STRAIGHT to urgent care when I'm off today because I'm not risking anything.

I love having an anxiety disorder, a cat who keeps trying to die, and being in residency.

At least I'm still on ambulatory. If I were on onc, even if my cat fucking died I wouldn't be able to take a day off after I dropped her off to wherever you take dead pets. Lol. But I start it next week.

#residency #medblr #studyblr #gradblr #premed

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this is residency

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I've spent WAY too much money in the past couple days. Partly because I need to (bachelorette party plane tix & fee for whatever else) but also because I'm trying to get some fricken SEROTONIN after someone failed to hotwire my car and ended up just totally butchering it instead :')

Picture this: you took your 6 hr in-training exam on Thursday followed by a quick 3 hr nap then back to work for an overnight. Friday morning you go to bed, wake up in the afternoon to pamper yourself and get your hair done, and then back to bed. But you're in your Self Care Era!! You've lit lavender candles, made your sleepy girl mocktail, and cuddled under your new heated blanket that you bought with gift cards gifted to you by one of the private OB/GYN groups at your hospital that you work with. Saturday morning comes. It's, as usual, fucking cold. It feels like 5 degrees but is probably more like 11. It's 0553 in the morning and you're gonna drive to the hospital to start your 6 AM call shift (it takes you exactly 5 minutes to get parked and then 1-2 to get to sign out). You put your key in the engine.... but wait. It feels weird. What? Is this your car? Yep, definitely. You try to turn a light on but it doesn't work, so you turn on your phone camera and see

whatever the fuck this is.

Anyway getting a rental car was confounded by the fact that I lost my license a month ago and haven't had time to replace it (70-80 hr work weeks, hello???? but also I'm lazy). Finally picked it up today, three days later. I'm just.... PISSED. Thank god I'm on an outpatient rotation, because if I were on gyne onc right now there is no way in hell I'd have enough time to get anything done or take any time off.

Anyway so yeah, spending money. I'm not huge into the whole medfluencer thing but there's this one girlie I found on YouTube about a week ago that I LOVE who is a 4th yr gen surg resident. She's inspired me to not only study my field a little even though FLS and ITE are over, but to get some home goods like a little table so I can work in my bed (using rn), a cheap(ish) espresso machine, eat healthier, etc.

Also I just spilled my sleepy girl mocktail on my laptop so I'm gonna turn it off now

anyway my life is a mess but I'm trying my hardest to girlboss as best i can with a negative attitude (thnx depression) and a completely busted car

#medblr #premed #medical school #residency #gradblr #studyblr

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ITE tmrw followed by a 24 :')

study for ITE (finish TrueLearn review, Anki deck)

bulk make strawberry cheesecake overnight oats, pack in mason jars

pack lunch + snacks (sammy, chips, apple x2, cheese slices, triscuits, chocolate)

pack night shift snacks (so basically lunch x2)

pre-heat coffee for tmrw and fill stanley

prep sparkling water

pack tea bags

pack meds!!!!

pack wallet

at some point buy melatonin

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And the cycle continues, with seasonal depression hitting just as hard as ever. I woke up early to prep the twelve thousand patients I have to see in high-risk OB clinic on Wednesday but I can't figure out how to remotely change my password, so I came to Tumblr instead. After this maybe I'll read Throne of Glass and Dune. I've worked three weeks in a row since Thanksgiving and this is my first break since then... I'm only now, four days later, starting to feel recovered. And that was after playing probably 6-8 hours of Baldur's Gate/day for like.... three days straight. I've said it all over this blog, I'll say it again: residency is fucking hard, man. At least I'm starting on a gynecology-heavy ambulatory rotation after the new year, so in theory it should be lighter and I should be able to make strides on my research project once my research mentor gets her IRB protocol edits back to me.

The theme of my second half of R2 year: the quest to become competitive for MIGS fellowship. It's one of the most competitive OB/GYN specialties (I think because of the volume of applicants, and because it's not ACGME certified there's a wide variety in program standards). If I don't match, I'll probably just try to find a gyn-heavy practice.

Coming from a non-academic center, I feel at a disadvantage, so I'm trying to get a couple research projects going and endear myself to my attendings. And I took FLS earlier in the month so I can focus on my robotics curriculum this half of the year. I'm also going to a few conferences through ACOG and going to try and go to AAGL next year, even if I have nothing to present (which feels likely, since none of my research is MIGS-related). I should also probably start studying for CROEG.... :(

The grind never ends. And I am so, so tired. And yet I keep doing this to myself.

Medicine sure attracts a certain type

#residency #medblr #premed #medical school #studyblr

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Wow, you're off Tumblr for months and the UI gets more fucked up than ever! Nice. How does Tumblr do it? Keep getting worse and worse? And yet I still come back to this website occasionally, because I'm also trash.

Residency makes it hard to keep a blog. I barely have time for household chores and hobbies, let alone ONLINE journaling when I'm also pouring out my heart occasionally on my actual, IRL written journal and trying to maintain friendships.

Anyway. Started R2. It's actually better so far, as much as I felt I was never going to be ready. Don't get me wrong, I still feel woefully inadequate approximately all of the time. But wow, does it feel good to not hold the gyne and OB pager, to not have to fight with the nurses about pitocin on the floor, to do something other than manage labor on OB days. I started on nights, which I thought was going to be a disaster, but actually ended up being fine. I think I got lucky, because usually the R2 gets blown up since they manage antepartum AND gynecology overnight, but the ED and antepartum nurses were relatively benign to me.

And just... the FREEDOM of not having to write q2h strip and mag notes, to not have to pay hawk-like attention to the strips... and the nurses and I get along better than ever now that

A) they have new intern prey to feast upon, and

B) I'm not riding everyone's ass about the strips

Literally, my LEAST FAVORITE PART OF MY JOB is being a labor intern because you're expected to make sure the pitocin keeps going up, up, up but the nurses don't always want to with a category 2 strip, but like, category 2 doesn't mean it's not reassuring, and also you can't have a baby without contractions, but there's always a "policy" for why we can't do XYZ.... and it's like... why am I even here then, just run the labor floor without me if everything is 100% policy-driven, lol. Category 2 isn't BAD guys!!! It's not always bad. And I know the strips aren't always amazing but dude.... we either pit enough we can get a baby out vaginally or they might as well get cut here and now instead of spinning our wheels with inadequate pitocin dosing.

Anyway... rant over hahaha. Ooooh I hated labor as an intern. I loved it in the beginning, but I QUICKLY, QUICKLY came to dread it for the above reasons. And now, as an R2 on OB days, my primary job will be c-sections! Which is incredible because right now I feel like I'm so bad at them. I've done a few over 20 since I started residency. Other programs have you do more as an intern, but I did end up with >200 vaginal deliveries, so I really can't complain. And like I said, my OB days blocks will be me doing 2-5 sections per day... so I'll get real good real fast. I just don't do it for awhile (nights > family planning > oncology > OB days) so I feel nervous when I'm assigned sections on nights and call, but I'll get there eventually. TRUST THE PROCESS, they say. I mean, I guess I thought I'd never figure out how to insert a hysteroscope into a uterus and chomp off an intracavitary leiomyoma, and I figured that out by the end of R1, so there's got to be something to it.

Things I still don't feel good about that I should have gotten better at by the end of R1: LACERATION REPAIRS. But whatever. I'm sure it will improve as my surgical skills improve.

Now I'm starting to stress because in the middle of having more responsibility, figuring out C-sections and basic laparoscopy, etc, I have to get research started and decide once and for all if I want to do fellowship. I've been waffling between generalist practice and MIGS for ages.

On one hand, I do like obstetrics more than I initially expected, I like that I'll have more freedom to do abortion care, and the thought of MORE training when I'm already almost 32 and have 2.5 years left of residency makes me want to vomit. On the other hand, the MIGS lifestyle is much better than OB lifestyle, I may still be able to do abortions, and I really, REALLY want to have elite surgical training. I'm sure I'll figure it out more on my gynecology and oncology blocks when I do more minimally invasive/generally spend more time in the OR. Not sure how much I like the thought of running a chronic pain and endometriosis clinic. But also... I feel like I went to a decently-tiered medical school and graduated with the assumption I would do fellowship, and to cut my training short and arguably without satisfactory surgical training feels bad. Because at the end of the day, I'm not actually sure how well general OB/GYN residency prepares you for surgery. I'm not sure I trust it yet.

C'est la vie. Back to other things. Studying hormonal contraception in patients with medical co-morbidities before biking back to my house to play MASS EFFECT 3. I'm also a pickle ball fanatic now.

Byeee

#medblr #studyblr #residency #medical school #premed

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List of topics to look up/know:

TOA, PID diagnosis and treatment

Review hysteroscopy/D&C

Prep clinic patients

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How is second year almost starting? I don't feel ready. I don't feel ready. 160+ deliveries later (and 4 more weeks to go), almost 20 c-sections, 30 hysteroscopies... I don't feel ready. There's still so much I don't know. I don't feel comfortable completely managing Category II strips by myself. When do I actually call it and give terb?? The nurses still don't listen when I ask them to do XYZ half the time, and my judgment for when to start an amnio isn't the best (those variables are never deep enough when I think they are!!). How many times can we give stadol and morphine? Until how many centimeters dilation, again? And don't get me started on second-degree laceration repairs, especially in non-medicated births. I can barely use lidocaine. I'm almost done with intern year and I don't feel comfortable using lidocaine?? Lol.

And let's talk about how SPOILED I've been recently. Off-service rotations... stacking all my call the first half of the year so I've BARELY been on call the second half. Do I even have another black weekend the rest of the year??? I'm gonna get my ASS handed to me next year when our call increases and the rest of my co-intern class catches up (I had like, 7-9 call shifts on everyone else. Somehow I worked a FUCK TON first half of the year).

I'M NOT READY.

And this clown boy who dumped me in October... how am I still grieving this loss? We dated for 6-7 months. Granted, I started dating him IMMEDIATELY after I broke it off with my long-term partner of 9+ years, so there's that. But come onnnnn. How come I'm still thinking of him constantly? How come I still want to talk to him? How come I still want him in my life, even after he dumped me in the most cowardly way possible? He's still peripherally in my friendship circle and it pisses me off. I wish I could forget about him. At this point our relationship brought more pain than it was ever worth and I'm SO SICK AND TIRED of being sad about it, but I can't stop. I'm trying so hard, I'm doing the things, I'm in therapy, I'm on my meds. Why can't I move on????? He fucked me uppppp

these are the anxious ramblings of an almost R2

(who is newly single for the first time in a decade)

("newly", it's been 5 months)

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I'm gonna try and do 80 UWorld questions today, and a CCS case. It's wishful thinking, but I'm starting to get STUPID stressed about Step 3. My friend took Day 1 yesterday and said there was a lot of peds and Step 1 shit on it. Guys, I'm dreading this test so much.

#medblr #USMLE #medical school #residency

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my last polaroid of 2020

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Ya'll, I did the Dumb Thing and looked at the residency Instagram page for my ex in IM. What a stupid decision! I knew it was stupid as I was doing it, but I did it anyway. And there he was, looking hot and fit as fuck, looking like a badass fucking doctor, being social and well-liked. Here I am, 3.5 months out (which is like, at LEAST half of the time we were together bc we were dating for 6-7 months), apparently still thinking about him, while he forgot about me LONG LONG AGO

I'M SO ANNOYED AT MYSELF.

I just want to be fit as fuck and a badass doctor and social and well-liked, and instead I'm struggling with

the fallout of having had a mental break-down during my triage rotation and losing some respect among a few of my colleagues

the overwhelming imposter syndrome I have, like I am so below average at fucking everything, like I can't even repair a second-degree perineal laceration by myself and my knots suck and my clinical decision-making is ass and why did I ever think going to medical school was a good idea because I am NOT CUT OUT FOR THIS, and

the regret I have from not choosing a broader field because besides vaginas I don't know ANYTHING, I can't run codes and I know fuck all about cardiology nephrology hematology pulmonology gastroenterology critical care, and my surgical skills are also ass

And I couldn't even go to the gym this week because my cat was sick and didn't eat for over three days and I was so so so anxious :') And my ex is out there being Good At Literally Everything.

and I'm being a little (a lot) dramatic but residency is so hard you guys and I did this to myself and now I'm triggered lol

#medblr #gradblr #medical school #residency

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Turns out, after working 19 days straight, 14 days straight is easy. Haha. It helps being on a service that I actually like. Triage is ROUGH, especially when you're an intern seeing every single patient who walks through the door. It's constantly busy, the rooms are always full, and it's complaints that I, as a vagina doctor, am not super comfortable seeing: orthopnea, chest pain, refractory headaches, cyclic vomiting syndrome. ("But they're pregnant!!!!") ANYWAY, IT'S OVER. I grew a lot but I still get stressed when I see triage is filling up, even though I'm not the intern on service. And in my defense, at most other programs, triage is either integrated into the L&D floor or a second year does it. I SURVIVED AS AN INTERN. That's a fucking badge of honor in my opinion, haha.

Yesterday was wild. I was in a delivery with one of the more difficult-to-work-with providers, and she was talking to the patient while I delivered the placenta. I avulsed the cord. I panicked cuz she was still talking so I went in to manually extract it (which I've never done by myself before, someone usually does it for me) because I was scared to interrupt her, and she goes, "Meghan, what are you doing?" while I'm just elbow deep in this woman's uterus. "I, uh, avulsed the cord." "And how did that happen?" "I uh.... pulled too hard?" "Meghan, maybe next time let your attending know instead of leaving them in the dark." OOPS. Thank GOD she was in a good mood because otherwise I would have been EVISCERATED. To my credit, though, when she did a final uterine sweep there weren't any membranes left, so I got it all. Womp.

Then one of the patients I'd delivered in about one contraction (MULTIPS THO) had some trickling so I went in with my senior to evaluate. Her uterus was a bit boggy, a centimeter or two above the umbilicus, and she was bleeding. Bedside ultrasound showed some clots, which wasn't unexpected. I gloved up and went in to evacuate but she didn't tolerate it well so while we were waiting for some extra morphine to hit, we decided to place rectal cytotec. She was a big lady. I went in afterwards to evacuate the rest of the clots and uhh... whelp. Out came the cytotec. From the vagina. LOL. OOPS. Ok but like IN MY DEFENSE THE VISUALIZATION WAS BAD, SHE WAS INDEED A BIG LADY. All's well that ends well, I managed to get all the tablets out and we placed some new tablets buccally. But wow, wild. I'm gonna have some GREAT stories to tell my interns when I'm a senior.

And my mentor told me yesterday that I did an excellent job managing the labor floor :')

So some good things. Also some bad things: my cats keep throwing up and I have no time to take them to the vet. My carpet has so many stains from when they vomit and I'm either dead to the world asleep or not home. And my left knee is FUCKED up. It hurts so bad!!! Every day!!!! I'm only 31!!! How am I supposed to be active and play pickleball and walk around and work in a job that is demanding and requires to be on my feet all day!!!! I guess it's a good thing that open pickleball courts were full today, because it's really achy right now. Getting older BLOWS.

well that's it, that's all I got

#residency #medblr #gradblr #medical school

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(Very small The White Lotus season 1 spoilers?)

It's BROILING in my room right now. Just, fucking broiling. I think it's in the single digits outside but my parents' house is old and this room is way way way too hot so my window is open...

I know I've journaled a lot about this lately but I just turned 31 so it's on my mind... man, 30/2022 was WILD. This time last year, I would never have guessed in a thousand lifetimes that I'd have broken off my ENGAGEMENT with my partner of 9 years, gotten dumped by my rebound (lol), and ended up in a city in a completely different state for residency instead of getting married and staying in my home state. My life took a DRAMATIC change, and now I'm living this completely separate reality from what I'd been imagining for not only all of medical school, but the entirety of my long-term relationship. Wild. Bonkers. Unfathomable. Who am I?

Multiple of my friends have said it and I was thinking it: 30 had MAJOR tower vibes. (Lol tarot is a thing I get into every once in awhile.) It was a year of burning everything to the fucking ground. SHWOOP. Fuckin GONE. And I'm currently re-living the trauma of my ?dis-engagement/(first) breakup, because it all started to come up in full force about this time last year. December 2021 through January 2022.... yeah.... I still get nightmares. Even as the one who broke it off, it was the HARDEST thing I have ever done. Period. It makes me sick to my stomach. Knowing what I know now (even though it was the right choice), I don't think I could do it again because it was just too painful. I was watching The White Lotus season 1 with my brother today, and there were moments in Rachel Patton's story line that made my stomach churn because I have felt those feelings. Things could have gone very differently for me. Like, I could have been her: "I'm happy. I'll be happy, I promise."

In my head cannon, they don't last very long after the airport.

Anyway, in light of this I had my friend do a tarot reading for this coming year, 31/2023. I burned things to the ground, but in the aftermath maybe something beautiful can blossom? "When a horrific loss uproots us, we leave pieces of us behind in the soil, the structure on which we built our identity reduced to nothing more than an absent appendage, left behind to rot... [but] rotting [becomes] a means to transform." (In Shock, Rana Awdish). It's super corny, but I've always identified with cycles of death and rebirth. For example, how the fuck did I go from almost failing out of college to being an actual obstetrician/gynecologist? Um, what? How did I go from massively struggling with binge eating to being a super healthy (almost athletic) weight for almost a decade without much trouble?? And most recently, how did I go from being engaged to my partner of nine years (and spending all nine years trying to convince myself I'd be happy having kids) to being SINGLE??? Free?? Unshackled??? In a new state? My whole life was once scripted and now it's UNWRITTEN. It's great. It's horrible. I'm excited. I'm fucking terrified.

30 was bonkers, but I think it set the groundwork for me to have some MAJOR growth at 31. I asked my friend to do a reading outlining the coming year and how I can take advantage of the chaos I've created. A brief synopsis of my reading (to help me process): the part of me most prominent now is dominated by swords. Typical tbh hahaha. Bound, chained, conflicted. While I recently broke those chains, my wounds are still weeping, and I'm still stuck in place by the pain that ripping free from them caused. My past and future are wands: the past is largely conflict, comparisons with others, and competition; the future is me rising above that and finding contentment and balance within myself. I consciously focus on external forces (my career, new friendships, hobbies, fitness) while subconsciously I'm still riddled with addictions and temptations - specifically in this situation, CO-DEPENDENCE. This year I need to work on being the person who is there for me!! And ultimately, I think I have the fire under my ass to do it. The ultimate outcome of the situation is that I find balance with myself - that pentacles card that indicates reciprocal relationships signifies the relationship I will build with myself.

Ultimately a very positive reading!!! But one that indicates the time ahead is going to be hard. Boy howdy, it's already been hard. And not only am I re-living the break-up with my long-term partner, but my more recent break-up is intermittently fucking me up still. But, "Love arrives exactly when it needs to; love leaves when it must."

SO. Some goals for myself in the coming weeks as I enter 31 and 2022 comes to a close:

workout 2x/week

continue catching up on all things Cosmere

finish Melancholy of Mechagirl

finish On a Sunbeam

COOK FOOD

keep house clean

On a closing note, can't believe I have to go back to work in 2 days. It's criminal. Wish me luck driving 4.5 hours back to residency in this fucking blizzard weather :')

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On another note, College Meg was WILD. I was reading through my old blog posts from 2013-2017 (so like, mid-undergrad to applying to medical school), and WOW. She was fearless but W I L D.

I MISS HER

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Well, truthfully I HAVE been happier since the break-up. I mean, it devastated me. The first few nights I cried until I puked... and even after getting back to work I would sometimes have such a strong urge to cry I'd have to run to the bathroom where I'd just sink down on the floor while trying to stifle my tears with my scrubs. He was on my mind non-stop for at least the first month. It was my first time getting dumped and I thought I was DYING. And then I got angry. Really, really angry. I loathed him. He was so good to me while we were together in the same city, but the distance really fucked our dynamic. And he was honestly a bit of a dick near the end... I think I get why he did it the way he did. I get that it was partially to protect himself because he really did like/?love me, or because he didn't want to hurt me, or whatever. I actually have a LOT of experience in the "dumping people in the shittiest, most hurtful way" department, so can I really throw stones? But dude, don't let me drive all the way to visit you on my vacation, sleep with me the night before, then let me sit in your apartment ALL DAY while you're at work just so you can dump me when you get home (and only AFTER I say Hey Can We Talk About Us). Rude?????

Lol.

The whole time we were distance, I thought I was being overly anxious. I probably was on some level, but he was also being withholding. As my friend told me, "Anxious attachment styles don't look anxious when given the affection they deserve." And when he visited me earlier in the year, a mere two months prior, he said he could try harder because he wanted me, and he wanted it to work. True, he never guaranteed we would stay together. But then he went home and tried .... less? And then he dumped me. After letting me believe everything was fine enough that I drove to visit him for his birthday... after having me spend the night and sleeping with me.... IT'S FINE BUT I'M STILL A LITTLE BITTER. I still would run back to him in a heartbeat if he asked. I'm not in love anymore (at least I don't think so??) but I'm definitely still physically attracted to him. Oh well. For the foreseeable future, I am single. And my life has definitely been less stressful now that I'm not agonizing over whether or not he wants to be with me, because he made his choice and he doesn't. Which sucks but at least the uncertainty is gone. After the initial 2-3 weeks of excessively dramatic sadness and anger, I found that I was happier than I had been in a LONG time.

My social skills have been improving! I've had no choice but to work on them, lol. Another one of my friends told me to stop assuming people don't like me unless they give me irrefutable evidence that they don't, which has helped. Before I was assuming people didn't like me unless that gave me irrefutable evidence that they DID like me, which was very unhealthy and also not a desirable trait in a co-worker/potential friend. So yeah, I've been getting slowly closer to my co-interns, which is really nice.

I feel more confident in my obstetric skills, too. My foley balloons, AROMs, IUPCs, and FSEs have improved, along with my ability to manage category II strips and decelerations. I've only done 5 C-sections, but I think my attendings thought my baseline surgical skills were above average. I've delivered over 120 babies. I'm still pretty bad at second-degree repairs but attendings are letting me actually try them more independently now. And it's not the suturing itself, but identifying how the tissue goes together (vaginal mucosa can get real fucked up, but at least it's forgiving LOL). Oh, and this is a small thing, but the other night I delivered a patient who an hour later had a small postpartum hemorrhage due to uterine atony and I was confident enough to evacuate her clots without running to a senior first asking what to do!!! I just stuck my hand right up in there lol. I did need to ask if I should give rectal cytotec versus hemabate, but I knew we needed a utertonic, so there's that. I also have decided I'm going to ask a specific person who does a LOT of abortion advocacy to be my mentor, so maybe I can get extra involvement with reproductive rights. OH and we finally get our own clinic patients starting in January! So good things are on the horizon. Things to work on in the coming year are continuing to develop my procedural skills, recognizing sick versus not sick, laboring pts vs not laboring pts in triage (like 2 hr rechecks vs direct admit), and dealing with triage patients <34 weeks. And then continuing to be social enough to make friends with my co-residents.

Residency comes with ups and downs.... and the downs can be real, real bad. But overall (and in my unbiased opinion), OB/GYN remains the best specialty and I'm grateful and happy to have matched where I did. And I'm still sad I was dumped but I know I'm going to be okay.

#residency #medical school #medblr