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poetrusicperry · 2 years

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Running Towards Nothing

Chapter Four

chapter one | chapter two | chapter three

a/n: hello, it has been AGES since i posted an update for this fic. i swear to you i didn’t forget about it, i have so many chapters written out, i just fall short with editing and actually posting ): hope you’re all well !! <3

chapter summary: a day of fun ensues between a few of the boys, but things devolve rather quickly into something no one but neil saw coming.

warnings: homophobia, swearing, violence, blood, angst (let me know if i missed any or you’d like anything to be added !!)

word count: 2674

–

After their walk, Todd found it easier to be around Neil, but still hadn’t made any other conscious effort to hang out with him. The chance came, though, one Saturday morning in October when Neil invited Todd out for the umpteenth time. And Todd, surprising everyone (but mostly himself), said yes.

“Really?” Neil did a double take, halfway through pulling his coat on.

“Uh… yeah,” Todd sat up. He’d gotten back from breakfast a few minutes prior and had picked up his poetry book to lay in bed and read when Neil asked.

“Forgive me for seeming surprised,” Neil laughed, “You’ve just never said ‘yes’ before,”

“I know. But I’m tired of being in the dorms. Might be nice to get out before the weather turns,” he shrugged. And I also want to hang out with you, Todd thought, shaking the voice in his head away.

“Well… Cool,” Neil smiled, “It’s just me, Charlie, Meeks, and Pitts. I’ll go tell them you’re tagging along today,” but before Neil could make it to the door, Charlie threw it open.

“What’s up, fuckers?”

“Charlie! Todd’s coming with us today!” Neil beamed, seeming way too excited about it.

“No shit, really?” Charlie turned to Todd, grinning, “Guess Pittsie and Knox owe me twenty bucks,” he smirked.

“What for?” Todd asked, gathering his coat into his arms.

“Oh, nothing, really. We just placed bets on if you were ever going to hang out with us,” Charlie shrugged.

“Oh,” Todd mumbled, blushing.

“Don’t sweat it. All my friends are idiots,” Neil teased, laughing. Todd gave a close-lipped acknowledgement and the three of the boys entered the hallway where the others were waiting.

It turned out that sneaking off campus was a lot easier than it seemed. The faculty really only seemed to care during the week, leaving the halls wide open to just walk through uninterrupted and uninterrogated on weekends.

“Where are we going?” Todd wondered aloud, trailing behind the group. Neil had relinquished his normal front position to hang back near Todd. He didn’t say anything, but that made Todd’s stomach feel a little funny.

“We’re going apple picking! Charlie found this place a few blocks away,” Neil responded.

“Yes, and you’re all welcome in advance,” Charlie smirked.

Having never been apple picking before, Todd was slightly excited. He was used to corn mazes, county fairs with chili cookoffs, and deep-fried everything. The chance to experience something new made him nervous, but also piqued his interest. When they arrived at the orchard, there were a handful of people there. They grabbed two wooden buckets between the five of them and split into two groups. After much deliberation, Neil and Todd were a group, leaving Charlie, Meeks, and Pitts as the other. The plan was to pick apples for a half hour, then meet back at the front of the farm to get rung up. Meeks had smartly implemented a limit of how many apples they could take since they had to carry them all the way back to campus. Commending him for the sentiment, Neil and Todd took off in the opposite direction of the other three, Todd’s chest feeling like an empty chasm with tennis balls racketing around aimlessly.

“I bet there isn’t much apple picking in Arizona?” Neil mentioned as they made their way down the aisles of trees.

“Uh… No,” Todd said, “I don’t really know how it works,”

“It’s pretty easy actually,” Neil replied with a laugh, “Basically you just pick however many of whatever kinds of apples you want, then you get them weighed– though, some farms do it by quantity– and you pay. A lot of farms have other products like apple donuts, or cider, or coffee that you can also buy at the register,” Neil smiled, reaching into a branch to pick an apple that had caught his eye.

“Oh,” Todd smiled, admiring how long and elegant Neil’s body was. Snap out of it, he told himself, “okay,” he nodded a bit, reaching for an apple of his own.

When the boys had returned to the dorms, bagfuls of apples in tow, Meeks and Pitts went back to their room, leaving Todd alone with Neil and Charlie. After setting the bag of apples on his desk, Todd wiped his hands on his pants and took a deep breath. Charlie flopped onto Neil’s bed and stretched out as if it were his own while Neil leaned on his desk.

“Well that was a lovely day,” Charlie sighed, clearly satisfied.

“It really was,” Neil smiled, glancing at Todd. Todd gave Neil a small smile.

“Of course it was! Spent with Meeks, Pittise, and my favorite gays,” Charlie giggled, pulling a cigarette out of the pack in his pocket, lighting it as if it were second nature. Todd froze at Charlie’s words, his smiling fading faster than Charlie could flick his lighter on.

“What?” Todd looked at him, eyebrows completely knit, his face heating up. Charlie raised his eyebrows, confused.

“What…?” he questioned, not understanding what Todd was asking about.

“What did you just call me?” Todd stood a little straighter, his shoulders tensed.

“I… I was just saying like… I was hanging out with my… favorite people all day…” Charlie was treading lightly. He hadn’t even noticed he said what he said until Todd’s reaction.

“Todd, it was just a joke– Charlie didn’t mean anything by it…” Neil had brought himself off the edge of his desk and was standing upright, mirroring Todd.

“No, what did you call me? I want you to say it. What did you call me?” Todd’s tone had taken a turn neither Charlie nor Neil had heard before. And Todd’s accent began to peak out from behind the curtains. Neil knitted his eyebrows at Todd.

“I was just saying like… I was hanging out with–”

“Charlie, what the FUCK did you just call me?” Todd’s voice rose even more, his accent almost full-blown.

Neil stepped closer to him, “Todd, calm down,” he motioned his hands in a “tone it down” kind of way, but Todd knocked them aside.

“I’m not fucking gay,” Todd was staring daggers at Charlie.

“Todd, stop. He didn’t mean–” Neil began, only to be shoved by Todd. He stumbled backward and looked at Neil. At this, Charlie sprung out of Neil’s bed and rushed to them.

“What the hell are you doing, Todd?” he interrogated, standing next to Neil. Neil’s face was equal parts embarrassed, sad, and confused as he regained his balance.

“I said I’m not FUCKING GAY. Okay? Don’t ever fucking call me that again. I’m not some messed up queer like you, alright?” he gestured to Neil as his accent became painfully obvious; both boys had caught on and were tremendously confused. Neil winced at Todd’s choice of words.

“Okay, you don’t have to get so defensive. Just relax, okay? Sorry,” Charlie took a drag on his cigarette, “But from how dramatic you’re reacting to this…” Neil’s face broke into a harsh grimace as he smacked Charlie’s shoulder with the back of his hand.

“Charlie–” but before he could finish his sentence, Todd had pushed Charlie onto the floor, “Todd, stop!” Neil caught Todd’s fist before he could bring it down to hit Charlie, so instead, Todd wriggled his arm out of Neil’s grasp and punched him square in between the eyes, “AH!” Neil cried, clutching his face and stumbling backwards, falling into his desk chair.

“I SAID I’M NOT GAY” the twang in Todd’s vocal cords was vehement and the ache and sting in his knuckles rivaled that in Neil’s face. Todd was breathing heavily, already beginning to come down from his anger high.

The door flung open, revealing Cameron, Charlie’s roommate, “What the hell are you guys doing in–” he stopped when he saw Charlie on the floor and Neil clutching his face. Todd stepped away from them, staring in horror at his hand, still balled into a fist. His breathing began to quicken, as he looked between all three boys around him. What just happened? What the hell did I just do? he thought, tears welling in his eyes. Neil’s nose was dripping blood; Cameron grabbed a random shirt and handed it to him. Neil took it, but his gaze was fixed on Todd. There was something written in his eyes, but Todd couldn’t tell what it was. Anger? Sadness? Both? He genuinely didn’t know. But the pain began to radiate even harder through his hand and his breathing grew more shallow as the seconds agonizingly passed by.

“Todd, what did you do?” Cameron asked, his voice on eggshells. Before he knew it, Todd had bumped Cameron on his way out the door and ran into the hallway, down the stairs, onto the grounds, and off campus. Todd was sorry, he knew that he was, but he didn’t know what to say. So he left, finding himself sitting on a tree stump in the woods near school with his thoughts and an aching hand clutched to his chest.

Neil had placed the shirt on his nose while Cameron helped Charlie up off of the ground.

“You guys okay?” Cameron asked, holding Charlie’s shoulders to stabilize him as he got up. Neil began to cry.

“Yeah, I’m alright,” Charlie started, “Neil, what is it?” Cameron and Charlie knelt in front of their friend, concerned for his face and his tears.

Slightly muffled from the shirt, Neil spoke, “Charlie, I told you he was, why did you egg him on like that? He’s clearly not… out,”

“Neil, seriously I didn’t know he’d get all violent. I’m sorry…”

“I-I told you he… I knew he was, I just… there’s a reason he… gets so uncomfortable when we bring it up. I told you,” Neil sobbed, moving the shirt away from his face. The blood had stopped, but the excess had begun to dry and cake on his lips and around his mouth.

“I know, alright? I should’ve listened to you. I’m sorry,” Charlie sighed, “Come on, you have to go to Hager for an ice pack,” he offered.

“What should I say happened?” Neil shook, trying to regain his composure.

“You should… Tell him that Todd hit you?” Cameron said, confused. If there was one thing to be said about Charlie’s roommate, it was that he was a stickler for rules and the truth, no matter what form it took or the consequences it would elicit.

“Yeah, right, and get him expelled?” Neil scoffed, glaring at Cameron.

“Neil, look, I know you have feelings for him and whatever, but is it worth this? I mean… He hit you for crying out loud!” Cameron argued, unconvinced. Neil had mentioned to his friends the feelings he had begun to have for Todd, knowing they’d be just about the only people who’d understand and support him.

“Cameron, it’s not that simple. Really,” he looked knowingly at the ginger, “This stuff… happens. It’s not Todd’s fault that he reacted the way he did. Seriously,” Neil sniffled, tasting metallicy blood in his throat. Charlie nodded a little bit.

“Well… Alright, but still, you have to go get an ice pack from Hager,” Cameron said.

“Tell him we were horsing around and I pushed you too hard and you hit your head on the desk,” Charlie offered.

“You’ll get demerits for that, Dalton,” Cameron stated.

“I don’t care. Neil?”

“I… Alright. Thanks, Charlie,” he nodded, standing up and making his way to Dr. Hager’s room. Charlie stayed with Neil after getting the ice pack since Cameron had to study.

“Neil, really, I didn’t know he would do that. I’m really sorry,” he confessed.

“It’s alright, Charlie,” Neil’s voice was quiet, like a small stream in the middle of a huge forest.

“I can go talk to him? I mean, I don’t know where he went but–”

“He called me a queer,” tears came back to Neil’s eyes.

“I… I know, Neil, but you… you even said that he probably didn’t mean it. It’s not his fault?”

“I-I know, but… It still hurts all the same, Charlie,” Neil sobbed into the ice pack quietly. Frowning, Charlie sat next to his friend, all out of words to console him.

Todd sat out in the woods until it was dark out, and even then he felt no impulse to return to campus. Grappling with his thoughts and flashbacks throughout the evening, he had scratched his arm so hard that it bled. Everything that had happened to him in the past few months had crescendoed into a great, big mess– him hitting the boy he liked in the face and hurting someone he considered a friend (or at least an acquaintance). And he couldn’t believe it. How would he ever recover from this? Once his tears and the blood on his arm had dried, he got up from the stump, his joints aching from sitting so long. With swollen, salty eyes and lips, and bruised knuckles, Todd made his way back to Welton in the dark. Casting his eyes upon the stone architecture of the school he had gotten to know pretty well in the past couple months, he felt a sense of familiarity he didn’t know he needed. Glancing at his watch, he realized everyone would likely be at dinner, which made him feel better about returning to the room.

When he got there, though, he found Neil still there, laying in bed with his back to the door. Todd didn’t say anything, just stood in the middle of the room for a second before closing the door. Neil’s head perked up slightly at this, and he turned over.

“Oh,” he started, sitting up, “hey,” he sniffled, wiping his nose tenderly. He had been crying. And a bruise had spread mostly under his left eye and cheek. Seeing Neil sitting there with his pleading, puffy eyes and bruises, Todd felt a pit open in his stomach and the pang in his chest came back; it was an all too familiar scene– one he had seen in what felt like a jolting nightmare, years ago. Only this time, it was Todd’s doing. He didn’t really know what to say; his voice felt like gum under a desk. He opened his mouth to speak, but Neil, ever-caring, beat him to it, “Are you okay?” which took Todd by total and complete surprise.

“I-I… What?” he looked up at Neil.

“I asked if you’re okay,” Neil repeated, sitting forward.

“I… A-Are you?” Todd stumbled over his words, barely able to look Neil in the eyes.

“Believe it or not, this is the first time this has happened to me… There really is a first for everything,” he said with an airy laugh. Todd had physically assaulted Neil, and he was still somehow finding a way to make light of it.

“Neil, I…” Todd paused.

“What?”

“You should be mad at me,” weirdly enough, Todd’s accent was gone. Neil was looking at his lap, searching for words when his head shot up and he looked up at Todd.

“What happened to your accent from earlier?” Todd’s eyes went wide, “And don’t lie, either… Clearly, you’re not from Arizona,” Neil raised his eyebrows.

“Why aren’t you mad at me,” Todd demanded, standing his ground and still, desperately trying to avoid what seemed moments away from spilling out.

“I am, but I’m not. I know why you did it, but it’s not something you have to admit to me. It’s something you have to admit to yourself,” Neil shrugged. Todd’s insides flared, his jaw clenching, “What, are you going to hit me again for what I just said?” Neil was looking straight at Todd. Todd studied Neil’s face, somehow still the most perfect work of art Todd had ever seen. Sighing and at an utter loss for words, Todd laid in bed, his back to Neil. Neil returned the sigh, and Todd heard him lay back down, “I think you’ll feel better in the morning,” Neil said. And that’s the last thing Todd remembered.

tagging some people again (if y’all are still around): @queertoddanderson @babytoddanderson @cupiiid@justarandompjofan@charliedaltonofficial @pretentious-strikes @caffeineconstellations @wellredacademic @aedan-mills @noelliza @babybxrahae

#dead poets society #anderperry #neil perry and todd anderson #todd anderson #neil perry #angelina writes

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resqectable · 7 months

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It’s better to have nobody than someone who is half there, or who doesn’t want to be there.

Angelina Jolie

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quotefeeling · 4 months

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It’s better to have nobody than someone who is half there, or who doesn’t want to be there.

Angelina Jolie

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perfectquote · 7 months

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Different is good. When someone tells you that you are different, smile and hold your head up and be proud.

Angelina Jolie

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thoughtkick · 7 months

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Different is good. When someone tells you that you are different, smile and hold your head up and be proud.

Angelina Jolie

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anewp0tat0 · 1 year

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it's finally time for a very late Valentines Day! :D right on the dot as always

is it love? is it belief? is it obsession? who knows. and we probably never will. but we're celebrating it anyway.

#y'all are just gonna have to live with my handwriting unless I get one of those kindergarden books that make you write on the line #oh well #kuroshitsuji #black butler #kuroshitsuji fanart #fanart #digital art #grelle sutcliff #grell sutcliff #angelina dalles #madame red #happy valentines day!#I uh. hope everyone had a good one #and a good week as well #I've had a weird month but I am good; healthy; arm a little swollen but meningitis protected👍

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perfectfeelings · 4 months

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It’s better to have nobody than someone who is half there, or who doesn’t want to be there.

Angelina Jolie

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stay-close · 3 months

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Different is good. When someone tells you that you are different, smile and hold your head up and be proud.

Angelina Jolie

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thehopefulquotes · 6 months

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Different is good. When someone tells you that you are different, smile and hold your head up and be proud.

Angelina Jolie

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surqrised · 3 months

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Different is good. When someone tells you that you are different, smile and hold your head up and be proud.

Angelina Jolie

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itstopplingdomino · 2 months

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confident | weasley twins x reader

A/N: i made a promise to write something after my test based on how i feel afterwards. so here we are...

pairing: fred weasley x reader (if you squint), george weasley x reader summary: Fred carries the essence of confidence like it weighs nothing; academic, friendship, quidditch and even love life - he is sure he's set for life. So when he finds out about your little crush on him and how it had been like that for years, he does absolutely nothing. And that teaches him a lesson that he'll remember for the rest of his life. tags: hurt/no comfort, idiots in love, no usage of y/n, gn!reader (usage of 'you' instead of specific pronouns), usage of pet/nicknames, mild cursing, false hope, leading on, jealousy, no war alternative universe ───────── "I don't understand," Lee states. He is sitting on the armrest of the sofa, the afternoon light shines briefly across his eyes as he tries to block it with a book. "If you like Daisy too then why.." Fred shrugs. "Well if Daisy maintains a secret crush on me for five years, then waiting for another two- you know until after graduation- won't hurt."

Lee looks at Angelina, hoping that she'll have a better explanation for this. Unfortunately she returned his confused look with her own.

"How are you sure Daisy won't give up? What if tomorrow your little admirer wakes up and decides to like someone else?" Angelina probes.

"Please, I have a plan." Fred says, with his usual air of mock-arrogance. "Trust me, it'll work."

Lee and Angeline exchanges a resign look. "Well, it's gonna be your lost anyway.." Lee says in which Angelina nods to.

Fred shrugs, again, then leaves to find you.

He knows where you are. Five years in Hogwarts together, causing ruckus in all forms with the promise of detention almost every time, he can understand you in ways you sometimes don't.

Which is why your crush on him is not a surprise to him at all. In fact it was almost hilarious that everyone else think of it as such a big deal. You two are attached to the hips most of the times; if he's not there to bring trouble, you'll find him - and it's been like this ever since you set foot in Hogwarts.

George, of course, joins in the fun. Though Fred notices that he's slowly been opting out over the years, preferring to prank with just the older twin. Fred considers this an act of jealousy yet he never brings it up as George's blatant avoidance never seems to bother you. He's seen his twin interacts with you alone just yesterday, the day before, and Merlin even before that. He thinks that George simply want a little separation as michievenous activities are always a two-person activity until you came.

That is exactly why, right now, Fred waits for you just outside Arithmancy classroom for a planned pranking session; target for the day is Filch.

Not too long after he arrived, students emerge from the classroom, all looking like the boredom has threatened their life. You, in all your glory, comes out looking like you defeated boredom. Laughing beside your classmate who Fred sure he was introduced to before yet he can't remember her name. It didn't matter though, he's only here for you.

"My Daisy," Fred greets you with a playful smile on his face, bowing like a gentleman from the victorian era, lowering a pretend-tophat.

You rolled your eyes. "Please stop calling me by something I'm deathly allergic to. Even Lee and Angie started using it too."

"If you say so, Peanuts."

You playfully smack him across his back. He knows you're not deathly allergic to Peanuts, only mildly.

"Ready?" He asks, offering you his hand.

The brief shy look that passes your face did not escape him as you joins hands. "Ready!"

Fred smirks knowingly. With usual flirtatious remarks in his repertoire, physical touch is a newly added part in his friendship with you. He loves it when you look away nervously whenever your faces are a little too close, or when you jolts and become a stuttering mess every time he whispers right next to your ears, or moments like this - hand holding, plus short hugs and arm across your shoulder that's he's planning to include in the future.

With what he knows about your feelings, he revels in this reactions without ever needing to confess. - - -

You doubled over the grass just outside Hogwarts grounds, laughing at the wrath Fred and you invoke in Filch from the prank. This time you calculated for sure that the caretaker of Hogwarts will not find out who the pranksters are. A red herring steering towards obnoxious Slytherins is placed perfectly for him to think it's not the two of you.

"That was brilliant!" Fred shouted, he dips to lift you up and spins you around. "Bloody smart, you are!"

You cackles loudly, just enjoying his grip on your body. You're not thinking of anything inappropriate but Good Godric if you could just kiss that lips, you'll be content eternally.

He must've realise that you're staring at his lips as an unreadable expression crosses his face, he sets you down as his eyes flicks between your eyes and your lips.

It can't be.. can't it?

You think again.

I mean.. he's been sweet these days.. more so than usual.

If that's not a sign, then you don't know what is. So you fight your doubts and tiptoe to reach his lips. Your eyes closes as it nears his face yet what stops you is not the innocent peck you've been dreaming of, it is his hands on your shoulder.

Confusion evident on your face as you open your eyes and lower yourself. You search for answer in his face but all you could find is a torn look. The kind of look you've seen him give to other students who had asked him out. The kind of look that you desperately wish against yourself every single night.

And now you're at the receiving end of it.

A thick lump forms in your throat and all you say is, "Why..?"

Fred clears his throat as he looks away, clearly uncomfortable in this situation, his hand still on your shoulder now caressing in consolation.

You don't need consolation. You need explanation.

"Freddie, why?" Tone firmer than before as you shake off his hands.

"Well, its just.. I mean.." He took a deep breath before he continue. "Let's just have fun, you know. We only have two years left. Surely you don't want to spend the majority of it with- with this." He gestured between you and him.

If nature is a little quieter, you're sure the sound of your heartbreak can be heard.

"Is that what this- all this has been about..? You having fun?" You hissed, taking a few steps back which he closes just easily in a single move.

"I mean, you like me for five years, certainly you can wait a few more.."

The icing on the cake. He knew.

He knew and he still did that.

Play with your heart, push and pull it like a tug of war.

"You are the absolute worst."

Without sparing a single glance, you turn on your heels and apparated away. - - - The rest of the year passes in a blink of an eye.

To everyone else, it seems. Lee had been whining non-stop at Fred and George's decision to leave Hogwarts early. NEWTs is irrelevant to the path the Weasley twins has set for themselves, after all.

To Fred, the year drags on painfully slow as if he's aware of every single second that ticks by. He's just glad the day for them to leave is finally nearing.

After what happens between Fred and you, he notices that he almost never see you anymore. The one time he did was when you came looking for Angelina to pass her notes you had borrowed. You greeted him with your usual cheeriness but the smile didn't quite reach your eyes. He thought you'll warm back to him, forgive him, but how can you forgive when he can't even find you to apologise.

He realises that you know him better than he does himself. Otherwise how else can you avoid for so long.

At one point, he even asks Angelina if you had ever mention anything about your little crush on him anymore.

"Hm, no actually. I mean, it's pretty clear that Daisy's focusing on NEWTs, we all are anyway, so boys talk never really come up. It just adds to the stress."

Her answer disappointed him but he has an image to uphold so he act nonchalant about it.

"What? Are you finally going to pursue Daisy?" Angelina teased.

"Why are you asking? Afraid of the competition?" Fred in his usual manner put on a smirk, albeit a fake one. And the way Angelina rolled her eyes and smacked him meant that he successfully fooled her.

How he wished it was you who's rolling her eyes and smacking then, instead of her.

He made a fool out of you.

- - - Fred enters the apartment after a long negotiation with the accountant at the bank. He just couldn't figure out why the numbers are not adding up and the son of a bitch he hired is as unhelpful as a broken wand. Three years they've been doing business and this accountant is the first one to be so incompetent. Fred regretted making a rushed hiring decision as the last one had to resigned immediately from chronic health issues. A breach in one year contract would cost them quite a lot so he just puts up him. Two more months and he'll fire that bastard.

He searches for the bottle of wine in the cupboard, typically reserved for celebratory occasions and not punching the accountant in a very public space counts as a win, but the wine is not there. He looks at other cupboards too, but the bottle is still nowhere to be found.

George must've taken it.

No one else lives here, and unless the bottle of wine grew a pair of legs, it simply do not move from it's designated place.

The older twin drags his feet to his brother's room when George's door opens.

And there you are.

You, in all your glory, comes out looking like you defeated boredom. Laughing hysterically at what George says as your hands wrapped delicately around his twin's arm.

He had seen this sight before. Often when you went out from your favourite classes like Arithmancy or Ancient Runes.

But never with George. Never to George.

He whispers your name in a hopeless attempt to make you direct that smile to him, but your light dims as soon as you heard him.

George and you stop, taken aback by Fred's early arrival. The younger twin isn't expecting his brother to return until an hour from now.

"I know you two know each other." George chuckles, which you smiled at. The sweet smile that once had been directed to Fred. "But I'd like to introduce Daisy again.."

His eyes practically sparkling at this point. "as my Fiance."

George didn't falter and your smitten look unwavering. There isn't a single mischief or malice in his demeanour, nor yours. This isn't some sick, twist prank the two of you are pulling. Fred had never told anyone about what happens between the two of you, but he had assume you had ignored George all the same. What, being identical twins and all. Just looking at George should've brought pain to you.

Apparently looking at George seems to make you smile even brighter.

"Uh.. S-since when..?" Fred force out a cough. "I mean, I didn't know you two kept in contact, let alone are seeing each other.."

"We didn't." You answer, though your eyes chose to look at his general direction and not his eyes. "We met around two years ago by coincidence."

"Merlin, a lucky guy I am." George chimes in. "It started with a simple catch up over tea. Then it became a monthly thing. Before we know it, we were meeting almost every other day for half a year."

How did he missed it. "Daisy here is still a tough one. Took me a year and half to convince her to date me. Another half year to convince marrying me!"

Seriously, how did he missed it? Fred remembers when George comes home late, snickering to himself, sometime last year. Then the next day he was so high spirited that he gave out discount to everyone the first opening hour. He was so high on cloud nine that whenever Fred tried to pry out details of joyous mood, George simply kept evading the question. Saying he doesn't want to jinx it. "Oh, while we're on the subject.. Will you be my bestman?"

Fred looks between you and his brother. Your eyes refusing to meet his. Hesitantly he replies, "Y-yeah! Of course Georgie! I'll be honoured!"

He hope his emotions didn't betray his tone. His younger twin is engaged, no foul play is coming from you as far as he could tell. Well, of course he could tell. However you're behaving with George right now was how you acted when you had a crush on Fred. He knew that love-adorn smile, that twinkle in your eyes, the pitched giggles in between. He knew that all too well, though you're definitely less shy and hesitant about it with George.

You lean against his brother wearing a specific form of confidence Fred had only seen once in you.

The same air of confidence that he had shattered when he pushed you away as you tried to kiss him. Fucking Fantastic. It is his lost.

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angelinasnotebooks · 6 months

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Hate that my form of hyperfixation is consuming and not creating.

I think I've been falling in love with ideas my whole life. I see colors and concepts and characters, and I want every part of the illusion to play around my body and immerse my mind and soul. I thought growing up I would be an artist. When that mentally shattered, I moved on to thinking I would become an author. Now, however, I don't know what or who I'll be. All I know is that my brain never stops coming up with ideas.

Yet, with all these ideas comes the possibility of creation. It's what I want, isn't it? I want to create these pictures and stories and share them with the world. So, why am I motionless in my pursuit to bring my mind to life? I have a library in my head. There's a girl in there. Her favorite color is blue. She doesn't know if life is worth living. I have an art museum there too. There's a portrait of a dying renegade, and a demon alter ego desiring joy. Then there's the realm of fandoms. The endless multiverse of continuations and alternatives.

There's a lot going on inside my brain and imagination. Chemicals I do not understand and signals I cannot control. An abundance of beauty only an individual can conjure with their subjectivity. With no outlet for these thoughts and images, I find it all to be too much at times. Wings heavy on my back and flightless under the pressure. The ability to soar is there, but the weight within is burdensome.

Every day I come up with something new. Some ideas are fresh while others are another line on the loom, but that is all they are. Thoughts. Ideas. Invisible whisps, webs, and wishes. It's as if the only part of my frontal lobe that works is that of imagination and complex thinking. I attempt short stories, painting, studying, chores, school projects, craft projects and I never get them done. Planning, time management, logical reasoning, and decision-making have all taken a backseat. I can't get any of them done, so I turn to what has already been done.

I rewatch a favorite show. I read another fanfic. I click on a YouTube video and another. I scroll Tumblr. I read character analysis. I try on the clothes in my closet. I add shit to my wish list. I post photos from two months ago on my Instagram. I relate to autistic ADHD tiktokers. I pretend Pinterest will help me get my life together. I think about the MCU. I watch another comfort, crime, haunted, mythical series. I visit my AO3 bookmarks. I doom scroll whatever app I can get my eyes on. I turn thirteen again and either spiral into a depressive state or become infatuated with the Hunger Games--again.

The point is, I can't force my brain to work on the original ideas. Sitting at a desk with supplies doesn't get my hands moving. I fall numb waiting for my body and mind to comply with my intentions. So, I end up here again. Hitting a heart button to let other people know that their commentary and hard work have reached me, and I liked it.

I don’t want all my ideas and universes to end where they are. I don’t want to minimize or invalidate my existence, or the experiences of others like me, by remaining artistically stagnant. I want my mind to be a visual tangible galaxy free to be roamed and explored. I want to have my heart in my hands, and I want to give it to every single person that I can. I want these thoughts, these precious ideas out of my head and into yours, dear reader. I don't want to consume; I want to create. If I'm going to go down the rabbit hole, I want to be the rabbit. The entrance maker. Not the lost girl I am right now.

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