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kashimos-hajime · 4 years

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late night devils | b.b.

summary: bucky gets revenge on his ex with you, the girl he never got over no matter how much he thought he did.

WARNINGS: smut (18+, oral - m receiving), daddy kink, sub/dom elements, y’all out here being nasty and vindictive, drinking, swearing, mentions of cheating pairing: modern!bucky x fem!reader word count: 5.0k

a/n: smut with very little plot bc i have no brain for it. enjoy heheheh ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) bucky is PUSSYWHIPPED ngl

Bucky doesn’t expect to get a call asking for him to come over when he’s sitting at the bar counter, but he gets it and if he could, he’d break his phone in his fist.

“I told you, Dot, it’s fucking over.” The music is blasting in the club, bright with life, as Bucky tips back another shot. It’s a busy Thursday night. The dance floor is nearly completely occupied and the bass thrums through the floor as he tries to let his ex down gently as he has been for the past ten minutes.

“You can’t be serious. You think you can just walk out after three years—”

Alright. That’s enough.

“And do you think you can just call me like I’m some fucking booty call three days before your wedding after you dropped me like I was fucking nothing? No. Goodnight.”

Tapping his screen to hang up, Bucky sets down his phone with a hard sigh and gestures to Sam for another line of shots. His hand was burning from how long he held the stupid phone for, and he cools it down by cradling his vodka glass, pushing it back and forth between his hands.

“Dot, again?”

“Yeah.”

“Tough, man. I’ll get you some shots when I get Romanoff off her little blondie’s lap” His friend taps the bar counter in a show of support before heading to the end where Natasha was flirting with one certain blond man. Steve. AKA their resident bouncer currently off duty. Bucky rolls his eyes, smiling for a moment as Natasha turns around. The two give a talk before Natasha ducks underneath the countertop door and slips into the crowd, Steve in hand.

“Hey, Sam!” A sharp, too-sober voice catches Bucky’s hearing and he turns to see a woman wrapped in a leather jacket and tight fucking jeans burst through the crowd. Rain is still glistening along your shoulders and you pull your hair out from underneath your jacket. You wear a hoodie beneath the leather and as you lean against the bar beside him, he catches the words printed onto the chest.

Yes, I’m single. It reads, bright white against the black of your hoodie. Now’s your chance.

His eyebrows rise as you catch Sam’s attention. His friend glances at you but Bucky merely shrugs, looks at you, and thinks, A regular? Fine. I’ll bite.

“What’s the strongest you’ve got?” You tap your fingers impatiently and he watches the strobe lights glint on your black nails as you lean forward on your arms. He shifts back and you send him a glance, eyebrow arched as your eyes rake visibly over his form. Damn, you’re confident, and when you grin, he decides maybe you’ll be an apt distraction from his fucking problems.

“Not the usual?”

“Need something stronger tonight, Sammy,” you sing and he grins.

“I’ll make you something special. Let’s work up to Everclear, yeah?” Sam turns to Bucky, leaning onto his elbows. “Whaddya say, boss? Break out the Everclear for a pretty girl?”

“Now, hold up,” Bucky says, putting up a hand to catch your attention and he smirks as Sam brings out ten shot glasses pinched between his fingers.

“Hey.” Your eyes flicker over his body visibly and he smirks, twisting slightly to look at you fully. His knees part widely and maybe it’s the alcohol he’s already had, but it looks like you glance right between his legs.

“Hey.” The red lights swing their way, blinding him for a moment before it’s gone again. Sam lines up the shot glasses and Bucky watches as he pours them overflowing before glancing at you again. “Wanna? On the house.”

“Are we working up to body shots?” you ask slyly, sliding into the empty stool as he shrugs, grabbing the first one on his end. You take one from the other and throw it back as he does the same. It burns all the way down.

“If you wanna,” he says with a shrug and you laugh. “Hold on the Everclear, Sam. Let’s get to know the pretty lady first.” You snort into your second shot as Sam shakes his head when someone flags him down.

“Well, I’ve gotta get to work,” he says pointedly. “But you kids have fun.”

“Fine by me.” Bucky shrugs. “That just means I get all your attention.”

“Don’t like sharing?”

He half-laughs, pushing down shot three and four in rapid succession before slamming the glasses down on the wood. “Nope. I’m Bucky, by the way.”

“Consider me charmed.”

“No name?”

“I’m not looking for names tonight,” you say before you order another line of shots.

Something about you is undeniably charming. You give the air that he’s known you his whole life as you talk and listen and laugh. He gravitates towards you as you speak and talks about everything when you listen because he has this feeling you won’t judge him. It’s something about the confidence, the way you don’t give a fuck about what he thinks of you. It’s so different from Dot.

Dot, who worried about what that girl was thinking about Bucky or what that guy thought about her. And there was nothing wrong with caring, but Bucky couldn’t bear to give a shit about anything anymore.

“So you’re here because of a broken heart?” you point out after he explained his phone call prior to their meeting and he chuckles, the vodka making his head pulse with the beat in the club. The red and blue lights flash and blur in his vision but your face is still clear.

“Nah. I don’t love her,” he says, turning to the mojitos he ordered for the both of them. Yours is half gone, his gone completely. “Just… sick of being some stupid second fucking choice. She leaves me for a millionaire then comes crawling back for one last fuck. Fucking ridiculous,” he spits, grabbing your mojito and sucking it down.

“You’re preaching to a damn choir,” you say scathingly.

“Husband?” he pries and you eye him for a moment knowingly.

“Boyfriend. Left me for some kid in high school. We’re fucking third year college, man. That shit’s so gross and I’m ready to beat the shit out of him. Might as well do it drunk.”

“Hah, I did that once.”

“Get with a highschooler?” you ask, voice tinging with something judgmental and he laughs because it’s such an outrageous notion and he can’t help but agree. Fucking nasty.

“Fuck, no. I had a best friend I was fucking in love with,” he begins, the mint cool against his tongue. “High school. Got creeped on by some older dude and I beat the fuck out of him when he got too close for her liking. Got expelled, never saw her again after her grad when I realized she was probably going to head to uni and go big, but damn if it was worth it, even if it meant she went with someone else to fucking prom. Fucking Brock Rumlow.” His eyes drift to yours as you stare at him and he chews on his straw, explaining in the briefest of sentences. “Resident asshole of our year.”

There’s a quiet where he sets down the mojito again, and his head is swimming with memories. At the last time he saw the girl of his dreams, graduation cap pinned to hair and a sunset burnishing their street gold.

“No fucking way. Bucky?” you say and he looks at you from his—your—drink. “As in James Buchanan Barnes?” you ask with a scoff evident in your voice and he arches an eyebrow. “Oh, you can’t be serious.”

“What—” His insides are on fire, and his eyes fall to your lips as you press them into a frown. “Who?”

“You fucker!” You slug him in the arm and he yelps, clutching the offended bicep as you take him by the shoulders. “You fucking left me!” He is forced to look at you as your eyes search his. They’re dark with something he thinks is bitter love, and his eyebrows knit together. What is his luck with women lately?

“Who the fuck are you?” he yells over the thundering music, but his answer is swallowed up by a pair of searing lips. Fists in the lapel of his suit jacket, he groans into your mouth as his hand darts to your hips. He drags you flush against him and you crash into his body. Hitching a leg over his, he feels up your hoodie and you open up beneath his mouth. Your hips dip against his as you jump into his lap and he holds you there by the thighs, squeezing the flesh through your jeans.

“Fuck, James,” you whisper and he feels it all again in a heartbeat. That intense, selfish love that seized him as he walked away from you. The way he fucked you in the bathroom before the ceremony, gown bunched at your waist, pants barely shoved past his hips. The curious disgust every time he got with someone that wasn’t the girl from the stall. It’s you. “God, don’t you recognize me?”

These past few years dating Dot, feeling like he’d move past a tiny infatuation, obliterated to nothing as your voice tears down his defenses. Tears down everything he’s built, every lie that you’re nothing more than the past.

“Sweetheart,” he murmurs against your desperate lips and you sink into his lap deeper, arms wrapped around his neck. “Fuck. Yes.” He tilts his chin up when you run your teeth along his neck and his eyes close shut. Heat is surging to his cock at the thought of tearing you apart here and his jeans tighten as your hips grind down against his. “Could never fucking forget you. Grown ass woman, now, huh?”

“Fuck me,” you whisper, pulling off of him though it’s more of an order and he nods, standing up with a stagger. Your hand is insistent on his wrist, hand melting through his skin.

“I live five minutes away,” he mumbles, drunk off his ass. When he looks at you, he doesn’t see smokey eyes or mulberry painted lips. You weren’t always so dark, direct, rough around the edges.

No, you were bright eyes and strawberry lip gloss once. Straight A’s, straighter laces. By the books and popular and pretty and innocent until he got you on his bed and ate it out of you.

Maybe he fucked the good girl out of you.

He doesn’t mind. He already knows he likes it when you’re bad.

“Fuck.”

His nails scratch down your back pleasantly and you purr, pressing him deeper into his couch. You’ve managed to slip out of all your clothes on the walk up and his hand digs into your hip, his other hand working against your slick heat. The heel of his hand rubs against your clit as you lift and sink into three fingers. Your walls clench around him and he groans at the tight suction as his phone rings.

“Ignore it,” you mumble, kissing him sloppily and his tongue glides against yours, burning with vodka. His hand runs up your back to grab your hair and he yanks your head back, licking down your neck. “James—”

“Fucking missed this, sweetheart. Fuck. Missed this pussy more than anything else,” he groans. Your pants whisper against his ear as your hands roll into fists against his head. Your arms wrapped around his neck, you rock your hips against his hand desperately. “Come on.”

You moan right into his ear when his wrist flicks up and his fingers plunge deeper into you, wet with the first orgasm he’s wrenched from you just like this. It breaks and your whole body shudders. Your walls tightens around his digits and he increases the speed of his fingers. Your legs trembling, you let out a hoarse cry.

Your voice breaks and your nails dig into the nape of his neck as you come on his fingers. Your thighs clench around him as he bends his finger inside you and you choke out a moan. A pulse travels through your body as he lazily plays with your engorged clit and you twitch with every gentle stroke as he pulls you through your high.

His phone lights up. Ding. Ding. Ding. And then, his ringtone blaring in the thick heat of his room.

You’re sweating against him, resting your whole body on him as you kiss along the cord of his neck and he bites his lip, groaning. You nip along his collarbone before soothing it with your tongue, tasting the alcohol he’s beginning to sweat.

Lazy love.

“She’s not gonna stop fucking calling,” Bucky whispers in defeat, hand stalling inside you and you groan in frustration, hips grinding against his heel. Prompting yourself up, you frown. “Fuck. I have to pick up.” He bites into your breast, licking your nipple in passing before leaning over to grab his phone. Your legs widen, and you lower yourself deeper into his lap as he keeps a hand firmly on your ass.

“For fuck’s sake,” you growl, slipping your hand down his cock and he lets out a groan against your shoulder. His cheek pressed against your joint, he stares at the Caller ID in dread. “She treated you like dirt and you’re still picking up her calls? I think you should just put her in her place.” The venom in your tongue makes something inside him twitch, makes him want to just pin you down and put you in your place because you don’t know shit and Dot isn’t worth my time anyway but instead, he slaps your ass and shifts his legs apart.

“Alright, that’s enough. I’m picking up that call no matter what, sweetheart.”

“Are you serious?”

“Get on your knees.” You pause and he turns to you, a thrill boiling through his blood as he slaps your ass. “Let’s put that mouth to use.” Your eyes go black with lust as you swallow, sinking to the floor between his legs, and he chuckles, spreading his legs farther apart. Your fingers trail along the line of his hips, lips whispering along his thighs as he clears his throat. The phone is still ringing in his hands as he looks down at you and arches an eyebrow. You’re smirking and he grabs one of your curious hands and wraps it firmly around his dick. “Get to work.”

As soon as he’s in your mouth, he picks up. You run your palm down the base of him as you take him in deeper and he lets out a sigh. You’re warm, wet, and he tilts his head back when you swallow. Eyes closing, he lets out a hoarse breath and tries not to give himself away too quickly.

“Bucky?”

“Who is this?” he asks, toying with her, weaving his free hand in your hair. He ups the volume, just enough so you can catch a hint of a word or two over the wet sounds of your mouth.

“It’s your Dotty, Buck.”

Pressing down on his thighs, you angle your head to take him further as if you’re displeased he’s even talking to her at the moment, jealous, even, but he simply grabs a fistful of your hair and tugs you back right, keeping himself just as deep down your throat. You gag, swallowing again.

“Yeah. What do you want?” His words come out breathless. He raises his head just enough to watch you work, eyes glued to the way your fingers, wrapped around him, move up and down. Your eyes are blown out with lust, already on his face and you smile against his thigh as you seem to take him down further. Wet lips wrapped around his cock, hair a mess around your face, it paints a pretty sight. Your tongue flattens against the underside of his length, and he groans when you slowly pull off. It’s an agonizing ecstasy, the way you seem to swallow him deeper despite drawing away. “Oh, fuck. Just like that, sweetheart. That was good, baby, That was good.”

“‘M I being good, daddy?” you ask, voice muffled, and his hips thrust into your mouth just as his hand forces you down, and he closes his eyes at the heat searing his blood. You’re so fucking good.

“Yeah, sweetheart. Don’t worry ‘bout a thing.” He cradles the phone closer to his face. “Fuck. Dot, what do you want again?” he asks. The line is nearly dead and a flash of satisfaction hits him as you moan quietly against his cock. The vibration shoots up to his stomach and he hisses out a breath. “You’re doing so good, sweetheart.”

“Yeah?” You bob your head between his thighs, the hand not around him digging into his hip. You hollow out your cheeks, the suction sending his head into the stars as the slick sound of your mouth ceases when you simply keep him in your cheek, blown pupils wide and innocent. Your hips twitch against his foot, seeking friction and he smirks. His needy little girl.

Bucky lets go of your hair, patting your cheek before wiping away the trail of drool leaking from the corner of your mouth. He leans forward, dragging you off his dick with a slight pop and a chill brushes against his length as Bucky pinches your chin between his thumb and index finger.

Pressing an open-mouthed kiss against your panting lips, he doesn’t care if Dot can hear every single fucking sound.

He pulls away before you have a chance to reciprocate and your whine follows him as he sinks back into the couch. His hand finds your hair again, guiding you back down his length and you seem to sink back onto your knees. He plunges endlessly down your throat as he clears his own, nearly forgetting he really is on the phone.

“Sorry, Dot. I’m a little distracted right now,” he says nonchalantly, the smile working onto his face.

“If you’re busy—”

“Nah.” You purr at the lie and he tugs your hair as he stifles a moan—a warning with no merit. He keeps you still despite your impatient wiggle and he opens his eyes, simply admiring your face full of his cock. Your eyes are at half mast as you rest your head against his thigh, and his finger traces down your cheek, along your jawbone, as he adds, “You’ve been blowing up my phone all night. You’ve got my attention now, darling.”

“Bucky,” Dot intones, sounding a bit tense and Bucky can’t help but wonder why, “seriously. It’s fine. You clearly have other company.”

“Oh, don’t worry. My girl over here’s just keeping me warm. Isn’t that right, sweetheart?” He moves the phone from his ear to your mouth where he taps your cheek and you let out a soft, garbled moan, eyes fluttering shut. Bringing the phone back to his ear, he chuckles. “You tired, baby? You getting tired?” His tone is mocking and you’re subdued by the way he commands the air as you nod. Your jaw must be aching as you hold onto his thighs and lean against his leg. You’re a sprawled mess against him. “She’s getting tired, Dotty. Make it quick so I can take care of her.”

“Bucky, this isn’t you. What are you doing?” Dot exclaims but he doesn’t care as he lets out a long, guttural groan at your tongue running along his length in your mouth. Still trying to earn his graces.

“Finally getting the time of my life after you left me high and dry for a fucking year. I’m moving on just like how you did during our relationship. How’s the wedding planning? Feeling nervous?” he asks tightly as you swallow, teeth grazing along his skin and he looks down at you. Warning you for real this time. “Watch it, sweetheart.”

“It’s going… okay. Bucky, I… I didn’t want you to be doing this while I talked to you, but please, listen to me. I’m still in love with you.”

You pull off his dick with a long stroke of your tongue and he groans, hand tugging at your hair as you climb up his body. You nip at his skin along the way, your whole body stretching languidly against his as you brace a knee on either side of his hips and sit down in his lap.

“Seriously?” You press kiss after kiss around his face, long fingers wrapped around his cock and rubbing it slowly. Your purr rumbles in your chest as you dip your head to suck a mark into the underside of his jaw and he runs a hand down your back, cupping your ass. “Don’t you think it’s a bit too late right now?”

“You're not giving me any attention, daddy,” you whine with a pout, his dick against your abdomen, just there and he knows you must be aching for it to speak up. Leaning in close, you place your mouth along the cheek where the phone is, trailing tiny little teasing kisses along his swollen lips and flushed cheeks. He tries to snag your lips but you merely pull away and bounce in his lap impatiently. His cock brushes against your stomach, painfully hard, and a groan rips through his throat as you gently settle a hand on his chest.

“I know, baby. Just give daddy a moment, alright?” Bucky murmurs and you pout, your hand pulling at his dick. His hips twitch, jerking into your fist as you lay your head on his chest, slouching against him, kissing his jaw fleetingly. “Be a good girl.”

“Okay,” you mumble as you lazily pump him. Your thumb presses softly against the tip, spreading precum down his shaft and he groans, tipping his head back and closing his eyes again. You smile against his collarbone as you speed up the pace of your hand. A tight-lipped groan in his chest, he runs a hand up and down the curve of your back.

“It’s a mistake. This wedding’s a mistake,” Dot pleads as you watch his expression. He can feel your stare burning into his neck as you press quiet kisses against his chest. A knot tightens in his navel. “I know the way I treated you was shitty, and I know you must’ve moved on, but—”

“Dot, you left me, cheated on me, lied to me about everything.” Bucky bites down on his lower lip. “Fuck. You’re doing so good, sweetheart.” You hum against his chest. The crash is so close and your palm slows down. Growling, he looks up and pins you with a glare, but you merely look at him innocently and he sighs, brushing a thumb across your cheek. “I have moved on. It’s been a year since we broke up and I think it’s time you did, too.” You raise your head off his chest, shifting in his lap as you straddle his hips upright. His eyes follow you like a wolf as he tries to calm down from the high that never came. His hips twitch against your legs and he lets out a growl when you move your hand away.

“Bucky, wait—”

The phone is plucked from his hand and a protest builds up in his throat as you rest your other hand on his shoulder. He looks up at you, lips parted and you smile, sickly sweet. In the dim light of his room, he sees the way the shadows play dangerously on your face. His hand on your back slides to your hip, and his lips find your left nipple as he sinks his other hand into the flesh of your ass.

“Dot?” you ask sweetly as if you’ve no awareness at all, but by the way your eyes flutter, you’re well aware of his mischief. “Hey. Jamie’s a bit busy at the moment. Can you call him tomorrow?” Your smile sits on your face as it turns smug. “Great. Bye!” You hang up and toss the phone onto the coffee stand before cupping his face and kissing him fiercely. It bruises his mouth, sloppy open-mouthed kisses, and he groans as you raise your hips and slide him right in like their bodies were made for each other. His vision explodes in stars as you sink, his cock buried deep inside you.

“Fuck was that?” he mumbles when you part from him for a moment to breathe. Your hips slowly swing against his, taking him in deeper with every move as your hands, still cradling his face, burn through his cheeks. His hands run up and down your sides, your front, and you sigh at the rough palms against your sensitive nipples before he hoists you up more comfortably on his lap. “Jamie? I’m not fucking five.” He thrusts up with his question and your breath hitches.

“Fuck. Fuck, I’m sorry..” Your lip caught between your teeth, you rock against him faster and his hips lift to meet your thrusts as you tilt your head back. You arch against him, eyes squeezed shut and he pushes your body forward, teeth running over your breasts. “Fuck, James.”

“Bad girl, hm.” His eyes close and your fingers run through his hair, hug his head to your chest. Your moans are a symphony in his ear and you bounce in his lap, knees digging into the cushions.

“Yes, daddy,” you whine into his ear, gasping and the way your every word becomes high-pitched makes him want to fuck you through the couch. You're complete putty in his hands, warm like fire and malleable to his touch, and he kisses the valley of your breasts, his hands tracing the curve of your spine. “I’ve been so, so bad.”

He digs his fingers into your skin and twists, letting you fall onto the couch as he slides his palms down to grab your legs. Everything he touches is wet, burning, and the squelch of your pussy around his cock sends him into overdrive as he puts your legs up on his shoulders. Your eyes are squeezed shut and your mouth is open in a silent moan when he thrusts deeply into you at this new angle. Your hands find his and fingers interlace as he pins your wrists to the armrests above your head.

Smirking, he pushes deeper into you with no grace or rhythm and you thrash against him, mewling at his slowing pace, begging to go faster with the way your wriggle your hips back against him. “Daddy, I—”

“Shh, sweetheart. Now that I’m not busy anymore, I think daddy’s gonna have to teach you a lesson.” Your eyes barely open at his words and he smirks, making sure your attention doesn’t stray for a moment. “Keep those eyes on me, sweetheart.” You bite down on your lip, trying to stem desperate gasps but he growls a warning as he speeds up to a punishing pace. You’re overstimulated, exhausted, but still you try to push back against him, try to get him as deep as he can get.

You’re so eager to please with those plush, pink lips. “Yes, daddy. I’m sorry, I’ve been bad.”

“Sorry for what?” he wonders aloud just as your eyes squeeze shut and he feels your peak in the way your abdomen goes taut. Slowing down again, he nearly laughs at your disappointed whines. He pulls out completely, waiting for an answer and you cry out at the loss of fulfillment. Your legs lock around his neck. “I’m waiting.”

“Daddy, please... please, I was so close.”

“Give me an answer.” His tip brushes against your heat and you shove your hips forward. “How’re you gonna apologize when you don’t even know what for? How’m I gonna fix it?”

“Please...”

“I’m waiting, sweetheart.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t listen, daddy.”

He slowly pushes in again and your mouth drops open in an oh as you welcome him easily. You’re so damn wet that he slides in all the way he can with no problem. You lift your hips, heels digging into his back, and he slowly begins to thrust into you again. The sound of his hips meeting yours punishingly, the wet slap of skin against skin is the only sound in the room besides your panting breaths.

Bucky smiles.

“I’m gonna teach you a lesson not to talk out of turn tonight, understood? G’na teach you that when daddy’s on the phone, when daddy’s busy with other things, you behave if you wanna stay around,” he whispers, voice darkening with every word and your breasts heave as he runs a hand down your body. Fingers sneaking between their bodies, he presses a thumb against your clit and you fall apart with a shameless moan that bursts from your heaving chest.

Bucky wonders how he ever moved past you. You with makeup streaking down your pretty pouty face.

He didn’t. He never did.

“Oh, god,” you groan, dreadfully broken, still trying to recover but Bucky’s not finished with you yet. No, he’s going to make up for lost time for the rest of his life he can. “Fuck… James. Oh, god.” Your walls clench around him, dragging at his cock as he pauses inside you and he lets go of your wrists. Your legs slip off his shoulders.

“You miss me, sweetheart?” he murmurs, nuzzling your cheek and you pant, nodding weakly. He turns to ensnare you into a heavy, tongue-filled kiss as he sucks on your bottom lip. “Miss me a lot?”

“Yes, daddy,” you mumble, voice warped by his incessant kisses and he smiles, ravishing your mouth with his teeth and tongue. He gives you this small moment because it’s going to be a rough night and he wants to savour every last bit of it. By morning, he won’t hear a single peep out of you with how much your throat burns from screaming his name.

That’s three for him, zero for you, and Bucky’s not sure if it’ll end when morning comes.

He wants to ask if you’ll stay and he has a lot of furniture he needs to break in.

The kitchen counter looks like a wonderful place to start to do both.

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alotsgonnachange · 3 years

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Mystic Messenger Saeran’s AE Thoughts (.......And Prayers..) #Spoilerz

Hello, I just finished Saeran’s after ending and I have a lot of things to say and I am going to write it down while I'm still all keyed up about it.

First of all… Please DO NOT ask me how much money I spent to finish this as fast as I did…. I’m grown but my bank account is certainly going to have a good ole fashioned CHUCKLE at this….. It’s been a long quarantine I deserve a lil happiness as a treat methinks!

I have been playing this absolutely insane game since I think 2016? When I first started playing the deep routes had JUST come out I think? And I was just finishing up high school and am now a college grad...lmao

I’ve played all routes at least once except Jaehee but i’ve seen walkthroughs of her route (I’ve heard it makes you hate Jumin and he’s my favorite so um. hehe). V’s and Saeran’s routes I found to be so emotionally intense and just….a lot and I've been waiting a long ass god damn time for this after ending okay…. I would theorize and make up an ending in my head but i’m no writer so it was hard to figure out lol. I’m a Jumin stan mostly but I love everybody and yeah I should probably play that jumin dlc too but I need like a DAY to recover from Saeran’s AE. Enough about me HERE are my thoughts on it overall

Major Saeran AE Spoilers under da cut!

Can we please discuss V showing up to the C+R conference room with basically chloroform and made everybody Pass Out like??? I was alone in my room at like midnight just SCREAMING at my phone???? And the creepy ass CG ???? It’s like that gif of sarah paulson from ahs being like “I put arsenic in the wine….and the pasta”

Anyway I screamed at V a lot during this process!!

Loved RFA being sweet and kind to saeran (before V fucking drugged them…)

This is such common V behavior “I have to do it all myself...there’s no other way..” GIRL SHUT UPPP You do this every route....

SO many CG’s and I enjoy them a lot

Saeran’s sprite looks a little TOO crisp compared to everyone else but maybe its a glitch??? V next to him is in 480p while saeran is like 1080p

Hearing both Saeran and Saeyoung missing the other brother the whole time??? PAIN. All my homies know is PAIN

BOSS and his V for Vendetta ass guy fawkes mask??? I literally yelled “this game is TERRIBLE!!” several times at my phone

Their dad is so>??????? When he was sitting on the couch with saeyoung in that one CG while simultaneously telling him to kill himself?????????? Maybe chairman han is actually the best dad in this game somehow

When V and Rika were like we’re back together teehee teehee okay pack it up bonnie and clyde ..

When chairman han calls u and says hes jealous of u and saeran…..HUH????? I’m calling HR

When they go to the apartment and see boss and vanderwood and poor saeyoung is sitting there seeing his brother for the first time in years i wanted to D word sooooo bad like PAIN...PAIN….

Can we HAVE A DISCUSSION ABOUT JUMIN HAN BEING THE BEST CHARACTER IN THE GAME AND HE LOST EVERYTHING IN THIS AE……. he just took the blame and moved on jumin what the hell….. I love him so much r we serious? He watched his 2 closest friends betray him in the worst way and found out abt how Rika abused Saeyoung and Saeran???? I felt just AWFUL. Terrible ...Terrible….

Rika’s change in demeanor from Saeran's actual route is certainly a Choice. I find her much more bearable this time around and unfortunately i think I was too nice to her and ended up with a bad end LMFAO

I was happy to see Saeran stand up for himself and become stronger and confident. You go king!

The CG of Yoosung laying in Zen’s lap is everything to me…

HOWEVER YUP I sure did get a bad ending and I was so mad fdsafdskfdhsf ! (I would be happy to clarify how I got the good one the second time.) MAKE SURE To SAVE EARLY in days 2 and 3 bc the branches on day 4 is where the bad end will show up. For me it was the first day 4 chat and then a story mode titled “SAVIOR”.... If you see that RUN FOR THE HILLS!!

I was so mad! But I had saved in day 2 and replayed and MANAGED to get good end

I’m obsessed with everyone calling V and Rika “that psychotic couple” like…..its true its true…

No those two are so toxic… V’s route was torture watching them go on and on about the sun like yo can yall just call each other babe like normal people.

I respect straight people but not V and RIka that shit was just wrong… Straight marriage was a mistake

Oh lord i also FULLY Forgot Rika killed the twins’ mother…. Yeah that scene was um Certainly a lot but it needed to happen eventually

Like it’s good they know but damn that storyline is just so bleak

I think it was satisfying TO A DEGREE….To see Rika understand where she was wrong, why she was wrong, fess up and even APOLOGIZE! I was very surprised.

Saeran and Saeyoung are Certainly twins with the amount that those two self sacrifice in every route MY GOD…..

The scene with Jumin talking to his father and the other scene of him praying oh my god I cannot tell you how happy I was to see him begin to understand and address his own feelings in a route that was not his own. My main problem with Jumin’s route has always been the trapping MC in his penthouse aspect.. This way Jumin understands love and emotions without being overly possessive !!! YAY also loved seeing him be on good terms with his dad who was surprisingly profound

That last Story mode was Really a Lot…. and Strange things occurred which I will get into in just a minute

Jumin becoming a politician is so funny but ngl … i see it.

Yoosung going to france to study pastries ok king I see u! (it made more sense to me than the vet thing anyway)

Lastly Zen FURRY ERA

MY BEEF With the AE

I was happy with how they handled it for the most part. I think Cheritz heard our feedback about V’s after ending and was like okay….let’s try something different

HOWEVER

Saeran…. Sweet kind saeran… IS SO AFFECTIONATE HAHA….

He must have said I love you like 300 times…..very mushy gushy flowery language...and maybe that’s just his personality but for me it was like eating cake with buttercream cake. It means well, but god damn is it sugary and going to cause a stomach ache later.

He was just… SO MUCH! SO forward and ON all the time in his affections. I honestly felt kind of smothered and by day 3 and 4 I was sooooo over all the compliments… King you’ve come a very long way, but ur still putting MC on a pedestal and probably need to see a therapist.

Nextly….Rika and V….. Naw that knock out gas really ...that hurt lol. Coming from “I would do anything to protect RFA” V? Idk like…. EYE felt betrayed reading that. It was just hurtful. I can’t even imagine how the members would have felt as they were passing out. It was just so cruel. I suppose I understand why but like?? Just TERRIBLE

Them being in cahoots with the agency and the prime minister..HUH??? Also too much

V just felt so irresponsible like I do understand that he ended up in a weird web of secrets that’s hard to untangle but he’s so fucking stubborn he’s SO stubborn it makes me insane. Like sir… It seems like in other routes he wanted to try to protect Rika and the RFA.. But in this AE it seems more to me that he was like yeah i’m protecting Rika and That’s It… so fucking hurtful to me. Both of y’all apologize ESPECIALLY to the twins and Jumin..

The forgiveness thing…… Okay so I think some people will not like that Saeran decided to “forgive” the people who hurt him (Rika, V, Saejoong, his mother). I would point out that I actually think this was approached somewhat well. He says at one point that he doesn’t think they’re good or bad, just people. I think he sounded mature and like this was the way for him personally to accomplish his healing process. Would I have loved for Saeran to flip V and Rika off and kick Saejoong off a cliff? Yea I really would. But like…. If that’s what HE needs to do to heal then who am I to judge?

HOWEVER…. Everything Eye just said goes out the window when the scenes at the end with Saejoong come up… I was PERPLEXED. Like why did he HUG his deranged father who just kicked the shit out of him??? Also all the chat options that MC has with him r like blah blah you’re like this because no one loves you were so corny to me LMFAOOOO?

AND WHEN HE WAS IN THE ROOM LATER WITH SAERAN… i’m sorry but if that were me I would have called a nurse to deck his ass. Cool he turned himself in YOU SUCK SOOOO BAD AND I NEVER WANT YOU TO COME NEAR SAEYOUNG AND SAERAN AGAIN THANKS.

*scratches ass* I wish I got to see saeyoung and saeran finally sit down and have that first conversation after a long time and hug CG but the ending was fine I GUESS….. I dont care about ROMANCE I want those boys to be happy brothers together

Anyway that was really emotionally exhausting but I fr think I got it out of my system after literal years… And I can rest in peace knowing the choi twins are happy. THATS ALL I WANTED TO KNOW!!!!

#Saeran Choi #Saeran AE #Saeran after ending #Saeran AE spoilers #Mystic messenger #Mysme #Saeran after ending spoilers #mystic messenger spoilers

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the-potter-analyst · 4 years

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Chapter 8 - The Deathday Party

Harry Potter and the Sacred Text word of the day: Rumors

Just to share a personal story about rumors bc this is a short post, I was working part time during my year off between undergrad and grad school and was going to quit when I started school again. A few months before that, there were rumors spreading around about me already putting in my 2 week notice (idk how it works in other countries, but in the US you have to give at least a 2 week notice of you quitting for logistic reasons). At this point, I hadn’t talked to anyone at work about when I planned to leave or if I was leaving at all for that matter, so I have no idea who started the rumor, but eventually it came upon the ears of my manager and they confronted me about it. That’s actually how I found out about the rumor lmao. I had to be like no I’m not quitting now I have zero knowledge about what’s going on and give them a date of when I’m leaving for real. And this, my peeps, was the first time in my then 22 years of existence that I was the center of a rumor. I had a good laugh at least.

Ok but very little actually happened this chapter lol. Maybe that was why I had trouble forming concrete thoughts about “rumors” from my own reading, and having the podcast was helpful in organizing them a bit. I think my understanding of rumors is slightly different from the hosts, since I see it as spreading information that you don’t fully know the details of, or whether it’s truthful or not (unless you’re spreading something about yourself). Sometimes it’s misinformation, like you mistook smth a person said (i.e. Person A says what if, and Person B mishears it to be a fact), which is something that happens on tumblr all the time.... and the internet. The rumor about Dumbledore booking dancing skeletons for the Halloween feast would be an example of this. Like ppl are so excited about the feast that they’re making stuff up about cool things that could happen lol. Sometimes someone says smth about a specific person, or themselves, either out of malice or to build reputation. This would be Sir Nick telling Harry to talk about how Nick is frightening and impressive at his deathday party to make himself seem cooler. Gossip on the other hand can be about either true or false information, it can be for entertainment, to vent, or just to have idle chat. I think Hermione talking about Moaning Myrtle is gossip, because she’s experienced all of the things she said, but if say, Harry or Ron start spreading it to other people, then it becomes a rumor. That personal rumor I talked about earlier? I have no clue how to categorize it lol. Did someone mishear smth? Were they pulling it out of their ass? The world may never know.

I want to get into Filch and the Kwikspell a bit, since the hosts brought up something interesting in the podcast episode. Harry finds a infomercial letter on Filch’s desk about how to do magic easily. What Harry doesn’t understand is why Filch would have it, so he wants to talk to Ron and Hermione about this interesting piece of info he found out and can’t make sense out of. This is gossip lol. What we find out later is that Filch is a squib and the interesting thing brought up is how Filch might be overcompensating for the fact that he can’t use magic. So he hides the fact that he’s magic-less and creates this persona that he wants to torture students so that he can gain some amounts of respect (through fear). I can imagine Filch would face a lot more disrespect if it was common that he was a squib. I wonder if he later internalized his persona or if he always would have actually enjoyed hanging students from the ceiling by their ankles. Tbh if I was him, I’d probably get great satisfaction from that after all the shit Hogwarts students do and make him clean up asdfjhdf. I’m not trying to make Filch a good guy, but just imagine having to take an extra hour to scrub the floors bc some kid decided to walk around the castle wet and muddy. Ick.

I feel so bad for Myrtle jfc. I felt bad for her as a child, but now I have a fuller understanding of depression and the effects of bullying and I just,,, can’t help pitying her and feeling sad for her. She lived her living life being bullied and ridiculed, died at a particularly bad moment of depression, and now has to be stuck at this emotional point for the end of days. And still have to deal with being ridiculed. That fucking sucks.

I’ll lump Harry hearing the voice again and finding the message on the wall with next chapter’s post.

Small things:

Poor Ginny, she might not be sick but she’s already starting to look weaker D:

Interesting how both Vanishing Cabinets are introduced in the same book, wayyy before they actually become important. I think I assumed the Hogwarts cabinet was always in the Room of Requirement and then I realized that Peeves dropping it was the reason it was broken and put in the Room. I wonder how different book 6 would’ve been if this moment didn’t happen.

Sweet Boi Harry agreeing to go to Nick’s deathday party bc Nick was feeling down <3

Hermione mentions Myrtle’s toilet being out of order all year girl it’s been 2 (two) months. I wonder if Myrtle’s more emotional from the chamber opening again? At a subconscious level maybe.

Harry and Ron have missed every major feast so far this school year rip

I’ll take a moment to appreciate Sir Nick. He gets a bad beheading and has to deal with that for the rest of his afterlife sdjfskjkhf. But he’s also very sweet and caring, like he asked how Harry was doing even though he was dealing with some shit! He got Harry out of trouble from Filch! Nick may have had a shitty death, but he’s still a good man.

Previous: Chapter 7 - Mudbloods and Murmurs

Next: Chapter 9 - The Writing on the Wall

#hp #hp meta #hp analysis #chamber of secrets #cos meta #harry potter #ron weasley #hermione granger #sir nicholas #argus filch #i never thought i would ever make an analysis on filch lol #moaning myrtle

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thelastspeecher · 5 years

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Hi! So like five months ago I sent you an ask about applying to grad school and you gave me a super amazing answer. And I'm back now because holy shit I got into grad school (CalArts for Creative Writing) and in the last one you said there was a whole 'nothing list of tips if you actually get into grad school? And I got in and I'm curious what the tips are? If there's anything you've learned in the last few months that changed your perspective on grad school? Thank you so much!

First off, congrats! That’s a big accomplishment! Grad schools in general are competitive, and big names like CalArts even more so.

So, you want my advice, eh? Okay. Let’s do this.

First step is getting organized. You start in the fall (I’m assuming), so you have plenty of time. Find out where important locations are on campus, familiarize yourself with the area you’ll be spending most of your time in (I’d focus on figuring out where the closest bathrooms and places to get food are, personally), and invest in a planner. Keep that planner handy. Use it. It’s easier to stay organized if you start the semester that way than it is to try to organize yourself halfway through the semester. Make a monthly budget. Decide “I will spend X amount on groceries every time I go shopping”. Keep track of the money in your bank account (a lot of banks have mobile apps that make this very easy). Put some of your paycheck into a savings account every time. You never know when you might need a nest egg. Stay up to date on your medical needs (prescriptions, flu shots [for the love of god, get a flu shot], dentist appointments, yearly physicals). You can definitely find resources at your school to help you with some of these tasks. There is no doubt in my mind that you will be able to find a workshop on keeping a budget or other adult skills. Attend workshops for new grad students.

Second, look into different support systems for students. That means student-led organizations, departments that exist to keep the university complying with federal non-discrimination laws, and general resources. Get a support system set up right away, particularly if you are going to be far from family.

Student-led organizations will be able to help you adjust and provide you a sense of community (particularly if you belong to a minority community). Other grad students will be able to offer advice faculty or staff might not be able to. Don’t isolate yourself! That’s what I’ve been doing and it sucks! The only reason I haven’t driven myself completely insane is because I have a roommate who happens to be my best friend. If I could start over, I wouldn’t do what I did and avoid everyone because I was intimidated. I would stroll into rooms with purpose and confidence that I am the baddest b*tch there. Confidence gets you far in life, particularly in grad school.

“Departments that exist to keep the university complying with federal non-discrimination laws” is a very wordy way of saying the Title IX office, disability services, offices for students of color (schools typically have different offices for different racial minorities; find out which one is best suited for you), the LGBT resource center, and the like. If you are part of a demographic minority, find out where you can locate help immediately. If something goes wrong related to your status as a minority, you need to nip it in the bud RIGHT AWAY.

General resources are things like mental health services, university health services, survivor services, etc etc. If you have any history of mental health issues or have been in therapy at any point in your life, I recommend jumping into counseling immediately, even if you feel like you don’t need it. Just talking to a neutral party will help you more than you think. Most schools offer free counseling for students, too. If they don’t, then that’s really fucking weird, but they should be able to help you figure out a method for you to adjust smoothly without it being too much of a drain on your wallet.

Third, learn from my mistakes. Good lord, learn from my mistakes. I had a disastrous first semester at grad school. I was overwhelmed, completely out of my depth, and the one thing I thought I was doing right I discovered I was actually completely fucking up. I entered my second semester on academic probation and probation as a TA. How do you learn from my mistakes? A few ways.

The first time you TA (most grad students TA at some point), insist on someone observing you. The department should automatically observe all TAs, particularly new ones, but it’s possible to slip through the cracks. That happened to me. The head TA was too busy to observe TAs my first semester, and I didn’t find out that I was a shitty TA until I was in a meeting with department and university head honchos, who were effectively accusing me of hating my students and hating being a TA and sucking in general. That’s paraphrasing, and definitely not completely accurate, but that’s how the meeting felt to me. I got by only because I explained to them “I am autistic, I struggle with new social situations”. The extenuating circumstances in my situation allowed me to try to TA again, but this time with some accommodations and outside assistance.

Related: If you are disabled, disclose it to the department. Disclose it to the higher-ups and the professor who will act as your advisor. You don’t need to disclose it to anyone else, but I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to tell the people you will be working for. Even if you have amazing coping skills, disclose it. I’m damn good at pretending to be abled. But my disabilities still bit me in the ass. New situations and stress have a tendency of exacerbating symptoms. You can’t expect everything to go smoothly. And you can’t expect the department to hold your hand or even recognize what’s going on with you. I’m the first diagnosed autistic grad student my department has ever had. They had no clue how to handle that. You’ll be going into a field that tends to be a bit more liberal than STEM (like my area of study), so you might not run into the issue of “uh we don’t know how to help you, please talk to some people at the office of equity”, but it’s best to find out sooner rather than later.

Related: If you are disabled, get your ass down to the disability services office and get accommodations. Immediately. Start the process over the summer. Larger schools might have a more complicated process to get accommodations than smaller schools, so you need to get the ball rolling right away. Even if you haven’t felt like you needed accommodations recently, get the ones you had in the past. Don’t assume you’ll be fine without extra help.

Don’t take too many classes your first semester. And make sure the ones you do take aren’t all super difficult. I fucked up my first semester, bc I took three upper-level classes, two of them in chemistry. Yeah, three doesn’t sound like much. But when you’re juggling adjusting to grad school, starting up your thesis, and being a TA, three classes is a huge fucking amount of work. I’d recommend two classes, maybe one of them difficult, the other one sort of medium difficulty. Of course, you have to talk to your advisor for what works best for you, but I highly HIGHLY recommend starting off with a light class load your first semester.

When things start going south, bc they probably will at some point, don’t just keep your head down and try to force yourself through it. Talk to the family members you are closest to (I’m very close with my parents, so I talk to them when I’m having issues, but it could be a sibling or an aunt or uncle or cousin). Talk to friends. Talk to a counselor (PLEASE get a counselor your first semester). Talk to your advisor. Talk to the other grad students in your department. You should be able to find at least one shoulder to cry on, if not a whole bunch.

I said this before, but don’t isolate yourself. Please don’t. It’s easy to avoid people when you’re stressed. Don’t do that. Reach out to other grad students in your department. Make friends. Go with them to coffee shops. I wouldn’t recommend starting out by going to bars, bc that can be a slippery slope, and you shouldn’t have friends who only have fun while they’re drinking (that’s not a healthy behavior). My grad school has a really nasty drinking culture that contributed to my avoidance of other grad students, but hopefully yours doesn’t. And even if it does, you should be able to find someone who won’t want to always go to the bar.

Fourth, be confident. I said that before, but like the “don’t isolate” thing, it’s important. I’ve always been a confident person. I took a huge blow to my confidence when I started grad school, bc I felt like I was surrounded by people with more experience (which is an objective fact, but doesn’t always have to be a bad thing) and more knowledge and more accomplishments and who had their lives together. I was intimidated, for one of the first times in my life! I’ve always been a top-tier person, cream of the crop, A+ honors student, go-getter, award-winner. But in grad school, literally everyone else is that, too. And that’s not a bad thing! Sure, some people might be braggy, but other people will be more humble. Having all this experience in one location is good, bc it means you have more help. You have people you can talk to who have connections, who have run into problems you might run into, who can offer a unique perspective on things. That is SO GOOD. And if you’re still intimidated, think of it like this: You got there, too. You’re just as good as the other grad students, otherwise you wouldn’t be there. You have just as much potential, even if you don’t have as much life experience. You have something unique to offer to the school. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t have been accepted. And it’s not like everyone else actually has it together. Some people might, but most of the other students will be as lost and nervous as you (esp other first year students).

Fifth, toot your own horn. It’s related to being confident, but not quite the same. Talk about your accomplishments. Tell people what you’ve done. Try not to come off too braggy, but don’t hide your light under a bushel. You have to promote yourself if you want to get anywhere. You’ve already succeeded at it once, since you got into grad school. Keep it up! Oh, and don’t be afraid to toot your own horn when someone else is making you feel intimidated. I was at a thing where one guy kept going on and on about how he’d been to this country, and that country, and tried this wine and that food and yadda yadda yadda. I got sick of it, so I cocked my head and stopped him in his tracks by asking him if he’d ever been to Kosovo. He hadn’t. He’d been to a million places, but there was one that I had him beaten on. That was a huge confidence booster. You have your unique experiences. Share them. And don’t be afraid to use them to stop a braggart from controlling a conversation.

Sixth, stay healthy. Mentally and physically. Walk most places (that’s how I get my exercise), bike, do yoga, jog, whatever. Get some exercise. Eat well. Make your own meals, keep track of whether you’ve had a vegetable today. See a counselor, vent to friends, write in a journal. Most schools offer wellness workshops where students can learn how to keep themselves healthy. Look into that, particularly if you struggle to eat well or keep stress down.

Seventh, take a short break if you need to. Grad school culture is intense. People work way too long for way too little recognition. Stress kills. Burn out can make you question your path. Say no to a third side project your advisor wants you to do. Take a day off, or an afternoon. Take a long weekend. Make sure that things won’t fall apart while you’re gone (in my case, I would get lab work done the day before), let your advisor know you won’t be coming in today for health reasons (you can keep it vague), and then spend your day doing anything but work on your thesis. Don’t give in to stress and burn out. It will wreck you.

Eighth, enjoy yourself! Grad school can be hell, but it can also be fun! You’re here to learn and gain experience and, hopefully, not hate every second of it. My own grad school experience has been roughly 92% hell and 8% fun, but I wasn’t prepared when I came. I did the opposite of hit the ground running. I tripped and skinned my knees and my face and I’m still trying to catch up with everyone else. Being prepared, reaching out to people who can help you adjust, those things will ensure your grad school experience goes more smoothly than mine. Just don’t expect everything to go perfectly right off the bat. It’ll take some time before you feel like you truly can enjoy yourself.

…That ended on a weird note, but I hope it was helpful.

You’ve got this! Best of luck!

#whew that turned out long but I knew it was going to be long #again I hope this was helpful #grad school #rant #ask #beatrice-babe

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flames-bring-a-ton-of-ash · 6 years

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Hey! So Ive been trying to have more love for myself lately.. and it’s hard after having so many negative thoughts for so many years.. I was wondering if you had any advice on how to work on self love more.. and how can I be confident in what I wear or do even though I am a bigger girl... sorry if I’m bothering you.. I see you give great advice out and this has been weighing on my mind :( .. love your blog by the way! ❤️

Hey! First off, I give you all the kudos for trying to build up your self-love, because that shit ain’t easy. As a fellow bigger girl, it really does suck that extra bit more because of ridiculous societal messages telling us that “skinny” is “pretty”.

So, this is just 100% a suggestion that helped me, and I can’t say it’ll help everyone, but I’m still gonna throw it out there. Because I despised my body ever since I hit puberty. I was always the “curvy” one in my friend group in middle school and high school, and even in undergrad I was sooooo hard on myself and always comparing my body size to others and feeling “fat” or “inadequate” (which, by the way, I’ve learned fat isn’t a dirty word. It’s just another adjective like any other word, and I love reclaiming it for myself because why does one word create so much angst in us?). Well, I hit grad school and finally decided enough was enough. We only get one body in our lives, and it’s the ONE thing that is ours and ours alone, so why was I waging war with the one true home my soul had?

So, what I did was got a full-length mirror (eep, I know). I put that sucker in my bedroom and I MADE myself stand naked in front of it for at least 5 minutes every single day. Butt ass naked. It was HORRIBLE at first. I didn’t let myself look away, and I took in all aspects of my body from all angles (sometimes doing funny poses or funny faces for a bit of humorous relief because it got intensely difficult some days). And I did that every day for months and months. And ya know what? After a while, I started to notice things about my body that I hadn’t. Sure, maybe I wished my tummy was flatter, or my thighs smaller, but hey, that dip in my waist is pretty cool, and my shoulders have these cute little freckles that aren’t so bad…I think you see where I’m going with this. I started focusing on the parts of my body that I DIDN’T dislike, and the more I did that, the more little things I liked that I noticed. I did it with my face too, and really took in my features. And the longer I did it, the easier it got. And now, over 5 years later, I still have a full-length mirror and I still make sure to look at myself naked every day. I don’t always do it for 5+ minutes nowadays, but I make sure to get in a few good looks. And sure, there’s still days that I’m like “oh god” and start to get that negative thinking, but there’s also days where I look and think, “Well damn, I look pretty good!” We all have positive and negative self-esteem days, but it’s not letting the negative ones take over and telling those negative thoughts to fuck off.

It’s also been me having to rewire my thought process about myself, as well as taking apart the stigma of what is considered “attractive”, because that word is so subjective. I’ve had people who say how attractive/pretty/etc they think I am, and then I’ve had people say comments that I’m not even gonna write out on here. The point is, you’ll never make everyone else happy, but what’s important is that YOU’RE happy and comfortable in your body. Regardless of size, shape, color, ability, etc…we ALL deserve to feel happy with the body we’re given.

Another thing that has helped tremendously is my support system. I have a group of friends now who NEVER enable that negative thinking. In fact, I just went to the gyno last month, and I almost fell over when I got on the scale and saw I had gained 10-15lbs. It really fucked me up the entire rest of the visit. So I texted two of my closest friends as soon as I left the office, and I was frantically asking them, “Did I look like I gained weight to you, when you were just here for my birthday?!” And I told them what had happened at the gyno. They both responded with support, one saying that it’s just a number on a scale, and that that number doesn’t define who I am, and that if I FEEL happy and healthy and confident, then fuck that scale (this is why I don’t even own a working scale or weigh myself, bc those damn numbers really mess with your head). The other friend told me that I was giving that number way too much power, and that I’m so many other qualities than my weight. She said that a number shouldn’t overpower my intelligence, compassion, drive, etc.

Well, they both made me tear up, because they were both so right, and I needed that reality check from them. I usually am pretty decent at giving myself that self-love, but I know that when I need some assistance with it, I have some amazing friends to help raise me back up and remind me that I’m a kickass woman who isn’t going to be cowed by something as silly as weight or body size.

Holy shit, this got SO rambly. Apologies. I’m so passionate about self-love though, and I know firsthand what a process it is. I also know I’m privileged in a lot of ways, being white, cis, and able-bodied, and I can’t imagine the struggle others who don’t have those privileges have to go through in fighting those societal stigmas.

Also, as far as what you wear, my advice is just make sure it fits and you’re comfortable in it, and fuck whatever size is on the tag. I used to be all caught up in the “omg, but it’s an XXL” or “but it’s a size X, Y, or Z size pants!” I have another amazing friend who is my go-to shopping buddy, because she’s an amazing emotional support for navigating the horrors of trying to shop for a curvier body (she legit brings a chocolate bar when we go shopping, and feeds me pieces when I start getting grumpy or down on myself if things don’t fit; she’s amazing). She gave me advice one time that always sticks with me. She said, “Ashton, NO ONE is going to know what size shirt or pants you have on. No one is going to demand to see the tag to make sure you’re wearing a large instead of an extra large. All anyone will notice is if the clothes don’t fit you properly, or if you’re not confident in them.” I was like damn….you’re so right. No one but ME (well, and my friend) knows what size these are, so why the fuck do I care, so long as *I* think I look cute in them?

God, it really comes down to numbers, doesn’t it? Fuck those numbers. Fuck every single one of them. We’re so much more than a number. I am. You are. We ALL are.

Okay, now I’m done rambling. I don’t know if any of that was helpful, but feel free to message me at any time if you need some positive support! Also, I’m looking at your profile picture, and you are so gorgeous, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

#inspiration #motivation #body positivity #self love

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lightspren · 6 years

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Year End 2017 Wrap Up

I’m gonna be straight up honest with y’all, I almost didn’t do one of these for this year because this year has sucked horrifically and I just didn’t see a fucking point. But I’ve done one every year for like, at least four years now, and it’s tradition, and I for some reason feel it’s important, so by damn I’m gonna look back on my text posts from the year and my memories of what I was doing and see what happened this past year.

Jan 2017 - Was beginning my last ever semester of undergrad this month. At this point I still thought I’d be going to grad school hahahah so much can fucking change in a few months. Started my AC sideblog so that’s cool. and even this far back (: we still see me struggling with debilitating pain (: which has been a trend ever since I’ve been doing these year summaries I think, is seeing how bad my pain was throughout the year. jfc. looks like I was struggling with some depression symptoms here too, go fucking figure. I had an interview for grad school too and we know how badly that went…

Feb - Here’s where I decided I thought i might be on the autism spectrum. I now think I was wrong on that self dx, but you know, journeys of self discovery are important and all that. but here’s lots more pain and tired and “brain not working” which was lots of depression symptoms I believe, sigh I let that get bad for a while there. Oh and then I learned I didn’t get into that grad school I got the interview for. so yeah that was Feb in a nutshell l o l

Mar - Breath of the Wild came out this month and dominated my life for a month or two, I still love this game very much and it’ll always hold a special place in my heart, ti’s just so good and sweet and lovely. I still haven’t even really beat it LOL and I need to but. still. that’s never been the most important part of Zelda games to me. OOO THO I had beginnings of existential crises this month!! cause I was getting so bogged down in my thesis research and didn’t know if research was what I wanted to do forever and ever anymore!! isn’t that fun!! (it was not fun). but the rest of this month seems like. a whole lot of bitching about pain. paaaain pain pain. like holy jesus bitching about pain. maybe if I printed off all these posts and gave them to my doctors they’d believe I have a problem LOL.

Apr - So I had shitty dr appointments that further hurt my chronic illness identity, and then other Ongoing Identity Crisis because of not getting into grad school and wanting a job in which I could help people. this is the month I in earnest started applying for jobs; research tech jobs mostly, but some adjacent jobs too (don’t remember what exactly). I didn’t branch out very far at this point though cause I was still McFuckin Terrified. and then I realized that I didn’t want to leave hundreds of miles away for work, cause as much as a lot of the culture of southern Appalachia can suck sometimes, it’s still home, /my/ home, and I don’t want to abandon it. I know I freaked out a lot about getting my thesis done and presented this month too bc I was soooOooOOoO unmotivated to do that shit LOL like. whew. did not want to, did not care any longer, but still had to do it.

May - GOT MY FIRST EVER TICKET LOL THAT FUCKING SUCKED SO BAD. sigh. otherwise I was mostly vague as SHIT with stuff this month. I know I graduated, didn’t walk though cause I could not give less of a fuck at that point. I applied for every job I could find that I remotely qualified for that was close enough I was willing to move to. I even had a Skype interview for one, either this month or in April. it fell through, of course.

Jun - One of my very first June posts is “who the fuck am I/how do I become who I want to be” LOL so that identity crisis was still rip roaring obvs. then that time when I tried to explain disability stigma to one of my previous (cishet white male) bosses. Had another phone interview this month for another job I didn’t get lmfao. Pretty sure this is the month where I started applying for mental health case management jobs, like a bunch of them, at different locations all in the company I’m currently in.

July - So I think it must have been around the beginning of this month that I had my first in person interview? I bombed that one hardcore. didn’t stop another location from interviewing me though, and I got a second interview with them, which I then proceeded to fail because I had no prior experience. It was brutal LOL. and the new person started at my old job, and I had to start training her, and that whole situation was just awkward and weird and Undesirable. to the maaax. it was this whole ordeal too where they’d scheduled my last day to be the 28th of July, so that’s what I was planning on and like, focused on… but then it turned out my coworker got national guard orders and had to be gone two months, so instead of having newbie there by herself, they were like (to me) “hey… just wanna… chill for two months longer or until you find a job…” which was admittedly hella cool of them.

Aug - Lots of blogging about pain, lots of general vagueblogging. I did announce publicly on tumblr that I’m intending to convert to Judaism so that’s still cool, and still a thing, even if life has been repeatedly crotch-punching me so I haven’t been able to make much actual progress on it. but then, I had the interview for my current job. that i somehow passed with flying colors. And my asthma started getting worse, and I started getting soooooo so done with my old IT job, but I /got my new job/. ALSO THIS MONTH WE GOT RADS MY SWEET NEW BABY so now our family is made of me, my husband, and two kitties.

Sept - September. Oh, September. started out so innocently, with starting orientation for my new job. I was all starry eyed and hopeful for the new job because I thought that it was a perfect home for me. then I got there. started doing things. realized that I was terrified of trying to meet my new coworkers and learn their dynamics. realized I was terrified of trying to meet my new supervisors/superiors and learn their expectations. realized that in general I just didn’t know the culture of the place at all and that fucking /terrified/ me. and then the job itself, the job itself was something I’d never done before, had no experience in /whatsoever/, had no FUCKING clue what I was doing. I was a fish out of water with no bloody idea where I was going, and hoooboy. I almost quit by the end of September, I truly did.

Oct - tw: miscarriage at end of month I started therapy for my anxiety!!! yay!!!! I had a lot of adapting to work in this time too that I didn’t really talk much about on tumblr too I think. I mean I was learning a lot, I was meeting more of my clients, some even time. I was still terrified, especially of my other coworkers because I didn’t know them or understand them, but even at that, I was learning. [Stop reading if you need to avoid tw miscarriage and skip to Nov.] The other horrifically sucky thing to happen in Oct happened not to me, but to my sister. She’d found out a few months perviously that she was pregnant, at 37 years old. they’d just recently gotten all the genetic testings back and found out they were going to have a girl. unfortunately though, the baby stopped developing at 15w. my sister discovered this at what would’ve been 17w. she had to have surgery to remove the baby. she’s still recovering from this trauma, she’s heartbroken and just. very upset. I’m still upset for her too.

Nov - Last month I was doing ok I think. I was doing pretty well at work, kinda just coasting along but mostly getting the hang of things. Therapy had been helping I think; it’d been teaching me somethings, mostly only small differences but I think having someone to talk to had been helping frankly. Work was going well, and we’d decided to start looking for a house to /buy/ (realtor.com) but hadn’t hired a realtor yet. probably for the best. as it turns out now…

Dec - Fuck you, December. the good news is, my new job’s health insurance kicked in Dec. 1st. which is great, considering I got admitted to the hospital Dec. 7th, a Thursday. the Monday prior I’d tried to pop a zit, no big deal. WRONG. it got infected. not just any old infection, though, oh no. FUCKING MRSA. so I got cellulitis in my face, my whole right side of my face swelled up three times the normal, I got MRSA/pneumonia in my lungs, I had MRSA in my bloodstream. when I came in the ER I had very low blood pressure and heartrate of 130, so I was septic. like. shit was going down. I stayed in the hospital 6 days, and they released me with a PICC line and having to do vancomycin (really strong IV antibiotic) twice a day via the line. I went back to work too early for two days, but saw my PCP on the third day and he put me off that again. /Then the chest pain started/. I assumed it was a side effect of the vancomycin, since back and chest spasms/pain are a listed side effect, but NO, apparently NOT, at least not to this DEGREE. The home health pharmacy, who I called to ask about it, called the on-call at my PCP, who advised to go to the ER to get checked for a “pulmonary embolism.” Doesn’t sound scary at aaaaaaaaaall. Get in ER, go through the whole terrifying ordeal, CT scan, x-ray, shit and shebang - what do you fucking know. I have a septic embolism. very rare. much wow. fuck me. so here I am, once again, in a fucking hospital room, tied up to IV antibiotics, at the end of Christmas day. At least they’re keeping the pain meds going now. Oh at one point my kidney function tried to drop, then it turned out I had a pleural effusion so they drained 550cc (half a liter) of fluid off my lungs (painful as fuck let me tell you). Ended up spedning 5 days total in the hospital, home now, but still in like. the same amount of pain as when I went in. Having to fight with so many things to get medicines sorted and shit. while feeling like shit too. everything is awesome.

So that’s it. 2017. That doesn’t even get into the way 2017 has sucked on a global, non-personal scale, that’s just how it’s sucked on a mostly-immediately-personal scale, and I’ve even left out some of the immediately personal ones I think. and that’s just the shit I remember LOL jesus christ. I really need to do an effigy burning of this year.

#kit being stupid #happy new year #year end 2017

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vvickyleaks · 7 years

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so like life updates bc i never make me own posts on here anymore!!!

i moved to northern michigan like full time which. kinda sucks bc i feel like most of my life is still in the detroit area like all my friends and everything but it is really beautiful up here and i’m going off to work for most of the rest of the summer anyway so it’s not like i feel trapped up here and then i’ll being going off to my last year at college!! and then after that hopefully an internship and grad school akdjfhskdjf so like......it’s fine i guess im officially a northern michigander now

we’re living on the family farm rn bc the new house is still being built and!!! aside from internet and cell connection being shitty the farm is nice!! my dog is super happy, he gets to run around a lot and play with the farm dogs and we have chickens and theres a lot of deer that come thru at dawn and dusk!! i left apples out for them for the last few nights i really want to be their friend!!!!

i have a job this summer!! im working at this really prestigious arts camp/boarding school and i start my training on sunday!!! and im getting certified as a lifeguard adkjfhsdkfj baywatch WHO??? i joined a few like facebook groups for the staff and like my division (im a cabin counselor for high school girls which is like.......terrifying but also prob what i’ll be best at so) and the waterfront staff and everyone seems really cool!! it seems like a very inclusive environment and like MUCH healthier for me than the last camp i worked at where things were more like......exclusive i feel. like i LOVED that camp so much it’s where i spent my whole fucking childhood and i met some amazing friends as a camper there but i just didnt fit in to the work environment bc some people were shitty to me and i was 16 and a lot less confident and kind of horrible lmao. but i do have high hopes for this new position!!

i decided i for sure want to go to grad school for acting which is. horrifying. but i had a lot of talks with my prof last year and he has a lot of confidence in me and like...acting is the only thing i can see myself doing. i want it so bad. so i’m gonna make it happen!!! i can do it!!! i’ve been prepping audition materials this summer and reading a lot of plays and put audition conferences in my calendar and i’m going to work on stuff with my prof when the semester starts and hopefully land some more sick roles next year and it’ll be great.

#long post #LMAO this is so much

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synchronysymphony · 7 years

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My dear that's too vague, please rant

okay I’m so sorry wow but here it Comes ,, (this is really therapeutic for me LOL so you don’t have to read it bc it’s going to be so long) (also under a read-more bc I don’t want to ruin anyone’s day)

my guy ,, I’m not the type of person to give up easily. I’m persistent, and I really do believe in getting up and trying again, no matter how hard things are. But I feel like I really should give up, because nothing I do seems to do any good, and I’m fucking up everything in my entire life.I adore academia. I always have, even as a little girl when I had to teach myself math, and assign myself grades because being an unschooler can suck for someone who genuinely wants to learn everything, and has no one to ask for help. But I was good at it! I did teach myself math, and history, and literature, and science, and all those things– and I taught them to my younger siblings, too. When I got to high school, I thought things would change, because I fought so hard to get out of homeschooling (not that it’s a bad thing; it just wasn’t right for me), and now I had a chance to learn, and be taught, and do real homework, and it all seemed so perfect.Except, I really struggled! I didn’t have a good background in math and science, so I had to work so much harder than everyone else just to do worse (which, granted, for an AP student isn’t really bad, but I’ve always looked for reasons to hate myself, so this was a good one). And it continued all four years! I loved learning so much, and on the few occasions when I could concentrate long enough to read the textbook, I got really into it and could spend hours just poring away. I took AP chemistry, not because I’m good at science, but because I wanted to learn it, and I was fascinated by the labs. But I didn’t do very well in the end, and that probably really affected my ability to get scholarships. I ended up going to Ohio State my freshman year, 2500 miles away from home, because they gave me more money than anyone else.When I transferred to UCLA for my second year, I thought everything was going to turn around. I was back in California! I was studying at one of the best linguistics programs in the country! Except ,,I still couldn’t study. I still couldn’t concentrate. And I still couldn’t get out of bed or participate in class or go to office hours often. I tried really hard, and I still am, but nothing seems to be working. I had to give up my computer science minor because two weeks into Intermediate Programming, I realized I couldn’t remember how to do functions (which is like ,, really bad lol). I love learning so much, and it’s always been my dream to go into academia and be a professor/researcher and share knowledge with the world, because in my eyes, that’s the noblest thing I could do (me in particular, not “one”). But I can’t fucking cut it in this world. My syntax class is so hard. I failed two quizzes, do you know that? Most of the people in my class really hate it. All they do is complain, and they don’t care about it, and they’re definitely going to forget everything in two months, which is totally fine, and I’m not judging, but I hate myself so much, because I do care, and I do want to learn, but I do so horribly in comparison.

And then, my future. I love working in the lab with all my heart, but I don’t think I’m going to get a position there for next year. I decided to take a gap year, you know, because grad school is expensive, but now I need to find a job, and I’m so scared that I won’t be able to. My mom thinks I’m a burden already, and I am, and I really do think it would be better if I died, because then she wouldn’t have to pay for me anymore. It’s a bit of a sunk-cost fallacy, though, because I’ve stayed alive for this long, so it seems like I should continue on. But that’s logically not true. I don’t know if I’ll get into any grad schools, and even if I do, I’ll probably just fuck it up and throw away my chance like I did here. I can’t do anything right, not even the things I love. Yeah, if I’d done a different major, I probably would have been fine, because I’m a good writer, and I’m good at analyzing texts and stuff, but gosh, can you imagine the blowback if I’d decided to do literature or political science? It’s bad enough that I’m doing linguistics and cognitive science. I think the only reason people accept it is because they don’t know what it is.And speaking of which, my dream is of course to get a PhD in linguistics (morphological processing, yeah), but my mom wants me to do psychology. Which, okay, I’m interested in everything, and I do love psych, but she wants me to do it at her university, because it’s free. What kind of horrible person would I be to turn that down? It’s another reason to die, because I know I would go completely insane if I had to live in my home (without my siblings) for another six years, but I can’t say no to my mom after everything she’s done for me. I would be good at clinical psych, I know I would. I shouldn’t even complain. Because what am I even looking for, fulfillment? That’s so selfish. I’m probably the most selfish person ever, because here I am, in love with something so economically useless. I can’t pay for my parents’ divorce by drawing bad syntax trees. I don’t know what’s going to happen in my future, but I dread it so much. I never thought I’d be alive this long, and actually, I still don’t think I’ll make it out of college alive sometimes. I have a really detailed plan for when I die, and I could carry it out literally any time, and most days, I feel like I will. But I probably won’t, because I fail at everything else, so I’m definitely going to fail at that, too.

People have always thought I was popular, and still do, and I do act like it because I’m a conventionally attractive valley girl, but I’m so scared of losing everyone around me and doing something bad that would hurt them. It’s happened before – I’m too pretty, and I get too much attention from people of other genders, and that makes the people around me upset. And I’m not even that great anyway. Like, I’m fun to party with, and I’m charming (I think), but I’m not Good. I’ve had so many bad romantic relationships, and some of them are totally not my fault lmao but others must be. I don’t know what I did, but I must have done something. They would never tell me, though, so I don’t know how to fix it. Anyway, I’m also a really bad person. I’m so selfish and lazy, and I don’t do enough for others, and I’m so self-absorbed, and I’m a whiny crybaby who can’t even stand the word “bitch” and I’m just so weak and annoying and gross. I’m too bubbly, and I say motivational things, and I tell everyone to do their best, and it’s so annoying, but I don’t know what else to do, because I tried creating a fake personality before, and it was just weird, and I hated myself even more. I’m scared to lose people, but I’m even more scared to hurt them, so I end up pushing them away, or isolating myself, and I know I’m going to end up all alone. I’m so afraid of getting older. I have panic attacks whenever I think about graduation. I haven’t even ordered my sash and cap yet, because I’m too much of a fucking baby to go online and do it, and now it’s probably too late. I’m missing so many things, and I’m too old to be this young. I’m so immature, you know? And so ignorant, and so inexperienced, and yeah, I want wisdom, but I’m so afraid to grow up and get it.

I have two papers to write this weekend, and a take-home final, and a final to study for, but I’m struggling so hard, because I just want to die, and it’s hard to think about anything else. I’m stupid, like it’s not even an indictment, I mean intelligence is just a construct anyway, but I hate it. I want to do better, and I can almost do it, but then something happens, and I fall back down again. I can’t do anything right, and I never have, and I never will. I will die as a complete failure and waste and burden on the world.

And I think that’s the worst part. Because above all, above anything else, I want to be good. I want to help, and make the world better, and create some light and beauty where I can. But I’m not, because even my presence, even the smallest breath I take, is an inconvenience at best. At this point, the only good thing I could do would be to die, but even that would have consequences, because then my parents would have to pay for the funeral (I have it planned– I’m going to keep them from knowing that I killed myself, because the shame of having a daughter who committed suicide would upset my mom so much, but funeral costs aren’t cheap). I just keep putting it off, because I’m a loser like that. Right now, I do have a reason, because I need to write the paper for my group project, but once I do that, I can die. My group partner can present it by herself, I’m sure. But knowing me, I probably won’t. So that’s another thing to hate myself for.

I’m sorry for unloading this. I really am. I know you asked, but you don’t deserve to have this dumped on you, and of course, no one else does either. I’ll do something, so don’t worry, but yeah, don’t feel too bad. I’m still going to do my best (at least until Tuesday).

#ask #anon #negative #suicide mention

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atlantias · 7 years

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date #3 of 2017

so this the 3rd date with the 22 year old TA from here and here.

i was so so so excited to see him, i was giddy the whole day, i couldn’t stop smiling and listening to upbeat music. when i got to his house, i got there before him and he told me to go in bc his door was unlocked omg. so i get there and use the bathroom, and then when i walked downstairs he was already there, and he startled me. we hugged and we started watching bates motel. i was so happy and content, we cuddled and he has this nice comforting way of rubbing my shoulder or my knee or my leg when we’re cuddling.

but after the first episode we went to a fancy burger place (it was delicious) and of course listened to music (he let me play my songs). i played love somebody by wafia (another one of my fav songs) and he told me he liked it. lol i sang along to all da songs. we got back to his house and we straight up watched like 6 episodes of bates motel in a row omg. so a recurring thing the past couple of dates is that we would watch netflix and then have sex on his couch bc his bedroom is right next to his mom’s and we couldn’t do it there. so we small talk and joke a little right after watching bates and then honestly he just jumps my bones. at this point, i was happy (finally off my period) and i like kissing him. this is graphic lmao but i wanna include it bc it’s important. after he finished, he told me he felt stoned, as if he was on morphine, and he told me it was a good feeling. i thought it was cute, and i recall kissing his face and stroking his hair as he just held me close. i asked him “am i too heavy?” and he laughed bc it was “a polite question” and he also said “youre not heavy.” yo come to find out i actually bled a little on him which was embarrassing but again he wasn’t bothered by it.

so we end up going up to bed. at this point i started feeling kinda emotional bc my ex’s birthday was on january 10th (the next day bc this was the 9th) and i teared up in his tv room as he was upstairs getting water. i put on my sweater and go to my bag in the entrance hall and as i was rummaging through things he came downstairs. he seemed taken aback to see me in the entrance hall as if i was going to leave because he paused and just looked at me. i finally looked up and asked if i could have an oversized shirt. he told me he was giving his fargo shirt (the one he gave me last time), and he stated it was his favorite shirt.

we go up to his room and i get ready for bed. this is the first time i dont fix my makeup, but rather take off my makeup. i felt comfortable enough. i cry a little to myself in the bathroom bc i hurt physically and emotionally. we lay down and we cuddle a little, but im still crying a little so i move away from him, putting my back to him. he reached out, rubbing my back as i cried silently. after a lil while i get myself together, turning back to him and he told me he just wanted me to be comfortable. after a lil bit of silence i ask if he’s really tired and he told me no, that we could talk a little. i get silent and he goes “wazzaaaaaap” bc it’s some sort of fucking film reference idk he luvs movies. im bad at talking about my feelings, but im most comfortable in the dark, so i ask “what is this?” there’s moments of silence and he finally responds “well, for lack of a better word, fun.” when he said that, my heart sank and i was so quiet.

the summary is that we talk a little bit about the direction of what’s happening. so basically, he tells me “i see you as a friend and im sure you see me as a friend too” and when i ask why i met his mom he said that he thought it was the polite thing to do. he told me that he’s “bad at reading social situations” and that things he does and says isn’t the same as others view it or some shit. he told me that he has never had a girlfriend (i dont believe that bullshit bc i did some facebook stalking) and that he “has a feeling” taht the first girl he dates is the one he’s going to marry. he also tells me that he’s always working and that he’s gonna be busy, that maybe he’ll be in california or chicago or somewhere in new england after grad school. and i was so overwhelmed, i was like “shit youre talking about the long term.” i told him i wanted to know where we go from here, whether we’re going to see each other again and he said “oh i thought so.” he also told me “i think what “this” is is two consenting adults having fun and enjoying each other’s company which is healthy and good for the mentality” or something like that. i told him that labels are good to know where we’re going and what to do and how to plan. after that, we small talk a little i force laughs and then i stop responding. he told me he had the bastille cover of no scrubs stuck in his head and i told him i did too. in the end, i rolled over and turned my back to him. i was so angry that he led me on that angry tears poured from my face. i felt so stupid. and he just fell asleep. i hated that part.

in the morning, i turned back to him and i just stared at him. i wondered if he felt guilty. if he felt the anger radiating off of me. i decided at that point to kinda harden my heart and in a way use him to get what i want without getting more emotions involved. so we cuddle some more and we end up having sex in his bed. lowkey i was so angry that i just wanted to fuck all the anger out, but i dont think he knew i was angry. in the end i ended up bleeding again and i actually hurt physically, which fueled more anger.

he fucking love bagels so we ended up going to get bagels again. we listened to old arctic monkeys songs and i got to see a glimpse of the sea. after getting bagels to go, he dropped me off at my car and we hugged briefly. he told me to drive safely and then sped off to see his dad. i ended up leaving.

summary n thoughts: im angry that i let myself fall so fast. i thought you were supposed to believe people’s actions over their words, but this time the actions showed much different things from his words. why read me your favorite poetry? why introduce me to your mom? why sing along to songs together? why show me the place your friend crashed his car and died? why try to get to know me? why take me to a fancy expensive restaurant and try to impress me when all you intended to do was be friends? i dont know what’s going to happen. i want to see him again, but idk if that’s good for me. i want him to know how much what he did sucked and hurt me. it’s only january 10th and im already disappointed and tired. i know im bad at showing my feelings and at opening up and talking about myself and i wonder if something i did or didnt do changed his mind about me or if he was just an oblivious asshole the whole time.

#college #boys #:(

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ohh-kaye · 4 years

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2020 Resolutions

oh god this year was a disaster

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

fuck this. let’s just go through my failures this year bc tbh i haven’t looked at this since i posted it and i’m positive that i didn’t actively attempt to achieve whatever’s on here.

1. Keep reading! (YES)

THANK GOD. Here’s my Goodreads 2019 Reading Challenge for you.

I’m writing this post in advance and it’ll be up on the 31st. I’m reading A Game of Thrones by George R.R. Martin right now and I don’t think I’ll be able to finish it and therefore read 22 books this year (I hope I do though). I’m glad I read this much but also disappointed. Glad because I read 17 last year and disappointed because I read 22 2 years ago and that was during the hectic year of nursing school.

21 is not bad though. The Lord of the Rings set me back because it took me almost 3 months. Was it worth it??? yes. pls go read it. it’s great.

2. 200 stars on Duolingo? (EH?)

Duolingo had an update this year and they’ve replaced the stars with crowns so I don’t know what to make of this. Are they equivalent values? I don’t know because I have 188 for German, 167 for Spanish, and 134 for French. So are these equivalent to stars??? I don’t know.

I did write on my note about this from last year that i don’t think I’ll make it past a 200-day streak and look here bby

so maybe I should’ve trusted myself more and actually put “Maintain streak for a year” like I should have.

3. Collect puzzles. (YES)

I’ve finally bought a 4x4 and a 5x5 and I bought more tangles this year and I bought a little metal wire connect puzzle. I’ve been meaning to buy more but I can’t afford them bc I’m unemployed woohoooooooo. Everytime I go to op shops, I immediately go to the kids/ toy section first to look for puzzles because that’s where the gold mine is most of the time.

4. Prepare for the GAMSAT. (YES)

No excuses. I’ve been studying daily since August for the March 2020 sitting. I’ve also been recording a weekly update of my study experience which I’ll collate, edit, and upload when I do get into Medicine because there’s no point in doing a full weekly study vlog if I don’t get in. I’m sparing myself from embarrassment and saving the experience of recapping this adventure when (if?) I do get accepted.

*fingers crossed*

5. Watch more musicals! (NO)

This is sad. I did go to Aladdin and Book of Mormon because I bought those tickets last year but those are the only musicals I saw this year. I couldn’t afford to go see any shows even though I really wanted to. You don’t realise how many times I’ve frequented the Adelaide Theatre Guide website just to browse through any shows that were running. I was going to go see Les Mis, Miss Saigon, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, West Side Story, and so many other shows but I passed because I couldn’t justify the purchase because I didn’t have a steady income. Yeah, I could’ve watched as many shows as I could but also... couldn’t.

6. Travel. (NO)

I’ve decided that travelling sucks and I’d rather be home.

7. Therapy. (NO)

I don’t know why kid myself with this. I can’t afford therapy. BUT! I feel like this gap year from work has helped a lot. I’ve been non-stop working since I arrived in Australia and by the end of last year, I was exhausted. This year off was so relieving because I finally had a chance to breathe. I’m still not the best, mentally, but I’m energised and looking forward to opportunities now whereas last year, I would’ve told you that I will kill myself. I still have not-so-very-nice thoughts and they’re few and far between these days but oooo boi when they’re there, I’m ready to go. I’ll tap out. Not thinking so much helps so maybe we’ll keep trying this next year.

3 - YES

3 - NO

1 - EH????

Not bad. Half and half and one outlier. I honestly thought I’d fail miserably. The ones that got no with, I’m surprisingly not too devastated by.

Moving on to 2020 resolutionsssss.

I’m thinking of this on the fly because I’ve yet to prepare anything.

Maybe we’ll keep it achievable?

1. KEEP YOUR FRICKING NURSING JOB THIS TIME!

I wrote a post earlier this year about losing my grad job. I was conflicted with my feelings. I’ve always hated nursing and I still do. When I got that first job, I was horrified because I knew I didn’t want it because I didn’t want to be a nurse anymore. I’ve mentioned this several times on here about my feelings for this profession and they haven’t changed. If God chose to listen to me this time, he went all out and took away what I hated the most. That was really extra for Him to do but thanks I guess. The thing is, I HAVE to be a nurse now. Not because I want to but because I can’t be unemployed forever while I wait for Medicine to turn out. I’m never going anywhere with just staying at home and feeding off of the limited resources we have as a family. No bullshitting this time. We have to do a good job now. I’m ready.

2. Read. read. read.

I’m putting this in every year. My Reading Challenge goes up by 1 book a year so we’re at 15 books for 2020. I’m worried about this because I have job now so I’m going to be okay if we at least complete it. I won’t be aiming for 20+ next year. It’ll be great but I’ll but myself some slack.

3. Buy a car.

Honeeeeey. We’re putting this on here. Let’s be crazy and put this on here.

I hate driving but also owning a car is another step in independence. I need this. I really do.

4. Pass the GAMSAT.

I’m expecting a lot from myself with this. If I’m being truthful here, I don’t think I’ll pass the March 2020. I hope I do. Flinders Uni consider 50 scores for all sections and I’m holding out on hope that I get the bare minimum. I’m working hard and I hope it goes well.

Optimism is not good for me because I’m setting myself up for disappointment.

I know I won’t get it thought. Is it still optimism if I optimistic about not passing?

Seriously though, I’m willing to take the September test if that’s what it takes. However long it takes Medicine. I will get you.

5. Be acne-free???

I went to the doctor this year. He’s so fucking hot btw. HAHAHAHAHAHAH no srsly he is. He put me on antibiotics which I’m finishing the last round of before I go on to just using spot cream. Then if that goes well, I go back next month and he’s thinking of putting me on Accutane. I’m acne-free with the antibiotics but as all health professionals know, we can’t be on this forever. It’s not good for me goddammit. So I saw Accutane coming. But if he decides to go through with it, I know my face will light up like a Christmas tree before everything gets better. But I have a job now that requires me looking at people and people that have eyes and can see me and can see that my face is cystic for 6-8 weeks (?) before it gets better and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa i’m scared.

I just want clear skin boiii. Adult acne sucks.

6. HAVE A HEALTHY BMI.

I’m going through an emotional time as I type this. I’ve been pretty good with food this year. I haven’t weighed myself because I thought that I didn’t need anymore and that I was somewhat satisfied with where I am right now. But now, I’m worried that the thoughts are coming back.

This whole eating problem has been brewing since I was 10 and would show itself by me being terrified of weighing myself or seeing how much I weigh. THIS particular thought is scary to me these days because I know that this is how it presents itself and it’s back. And I feel uneasy and insecure again.

I feel a strong urge to start starving myself again and I thought I was done with this.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

this really sucks man.

This morning I literally put WEIGH SCALE on my fucking to buy list because I was conjuring up scenarios in my head where I’m weighing myself in secret every morning.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

So let’s frame this in a healthier mindset. I want a Healthy BMI. NOT BORDERLINE HEALTHY (which was where I was when I stopped starving myself the last time this happened) BUT ACTUALLY HEALTHY. And not through the lens of insecurity this time.

Please be good to yourself this year.

7. SEE KATYA AND TRIXIE LIVE!!!

Let’s end on a less crazy way.

YOU WILL MEET KATYA AND TRIXIE THIS YEAR AND HUG THEM AND TELL THEM THAT YOU LOVE THEM AND THAT THEY’VE MADE YOU SMILE AND LAUGH AND BE SO FUCKING HAPPY THROUGH ROUGH PATCHES. YOU WILL TELL THEM THIS BECAUSE YOU WILL DEFINITELY MEET THEM. YOU MUST. YOUR FIRST PURCHASE WITH YOUR FIRST PAYSLIP IS THE MEET AND GREET TICKET TO SEE THEM. YOU WILL MEET KATYA AND TRIXIE. I REPEAT. YOU WILL MEET KATYA AND TRIXIE.

Final notes as we put this year to a close.

2019 was a challenge and there were some trying times in there. I spent January waiting to start my job and relaxing as much as I could to prepare myself for it. Come February and all of that went away and I lost my job. We went to Sydney during the same month (which the vlog has yet to be edited). March and April were spent studying for the PTE and I aced that shit. May was sad. June through to July was spent moving houses. August (to present day) was spent fixing the new house and attempting to make it somehow presentable AND MY GAMSAT REVIEW BEGAN. The end of September through to the beginning of October, I did a Hospitality course and met Complex and I found out that I got offered the same job I lost for next year. November was nothing special. And here we are right now. December.

I’m feeling anxious but hopeful and I’m trying not to think about things too much because I get overwhelmed and it leads nowhere.

I just want things to start getting better so that I start feeling okay.

Maybe 2020 will turn out to be that way.

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forafriend · 6 years

Text

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

So turns outs my sister/bro in-law might be getting transferred to Boston next year. My sister let us know last night and it was not the reception she was anticipating. She had hoped we would be excited but it was a collective ‘oh....’ It’s not a done deal but I’m hoping for it to not happen. As it likely means I will see them once a year around the holidays. I remember in 2016 I toyed with the idea after being dumped. When it came to September 2016, I was in a panic and not sure what I was going to do. I had promised to leave and leave behind the apartment too. It was down to four options: a miracle in SF, move to Seattle, move to Boston or move to Sacramento. The likely option would’ve been putting it all in storage and leaving for Seattle in December.

But magically, my old apartment had a roommate who just turned in her notice to move out and it worked out. The miracle happened. It was only suppose to be for a year but now we’re in the second year. I’m not sure about a third year though. There is nothing really tying me down to SF except familiarity at this point. I’ve lived in SF for 14 years. I moved there when I was 21. Finished school at 23, dropped out of grad school at 24, interned around, worked the odd jobs, invested into a band that came close to sniffing legitimacy only for me to back out of it when it got serious.

I chose the certainty of my current state than that the risks of touring and being in a band full time. But now, while I have a great social circle in SF, it’s slowly dwindling. A handful of friends moved to Seattle, a few to LA, some moved back to Sacramento or to the suburbs of the Bay Area and a few are even in Europe and well, Ohio.

If they do leave Seattle, I will miss Seattle a lot. It would be sad that after 12 years of visiting they would be gone. I would probably go out to Boston once a year but I will not see them much. For my Brother in-law, it’s a big promotion. Head of a Division since he was unlikely to get promoted in Seattle. If he wanted a bigger title and pay, their options were Los Angeles, Jacksonville, New Orleans and Boston. They thought the housing prices in LA were too much. They have no desire to be even further removed from family in FL and NOLA. So it’s either Boston or hope something happens in Seattle.

As for my changes, I’m at a crossroads. My company wants to move me into a new division. I’m not particularly keen on this either. My boss is getting transferred and one co-worker is getting laid off while another is getting promoted. Bc I’m the most the junior, they’ll move me to where they have a need which is in Mountain View. So I decided to apply elsewhere. Last year, I ended up having three offers at once after going months without much. Now I’m sitting on two.

I’m in the dilemma of do I stay put, where I’m comfortable, I know the processes and methods but there’s a lack of growth for another year and I’ll be even further from SF or do I take a chance on a start up with a promotion, slightly more pay but with the risk that this could crash quickly. One of the offers is in the same campus that my ex works at. The other is in the mission. One is a unicorn start up with a flux of cash and backing but with a mission statement that I’m not super into. The other is a disrupter hoping to be the next linkedin or salesforce. If it works out, it could be a massive pay off. But it’ll be longer hours. Something I wasn’t super into at Lucasfilm and ultimately left me feeling burned out after a year. I’ve canvassed the opinions of my friends and family. All believe I should take a leap of faith and work at the start up. Be a manager of People Operations. Encompassing recruiting, HR and maintaining talent.

Anyways, as with any updates, my lovelife is still the same. a lot of dates. not a lot of prospect toward anything. I keep going back to ‘that feeling’. That feeling of when I met my previous ex’es. That excitement, that awkward over thinking of every move. Something I haven’t felt since when I first met D. When I met her, I was mesmerized. I was tongue tied. But it was tough. Sometimes,I came onto strong and just felt terrible. Only when I started to back off and back away a bit did the picture become clear to her and ultimately after two months of courtship, did I finally win her over.

But that courtship, that drive, I haven’t felt that since....well, her. That’s what missing I guess. I’ve met women I’ve really liked but nothing replicating that feeling. I had that feeling with H, I, H, L and D. There’s been women where it’s been close such as with Boston Girl, Instagram Influencer, Australian Hapa, Frenchie, the Architect, Niece of a Head of State, the realtor, the vegan youtube star and B List Actress. But all of them, it wasn’t enough. I’ll go through the bad dates in a separate post.

Some of it was circumstance, Australian Hapa was three dates and then she had to be shipped off back to Sydney for six months for her job. we still keep in contact but I haven’t see her since May. She won’t be back until November, where she’ll be here for a month and then go back to Oz for Christmas.

Instagram Influencer, simply had a schedule I couldn’t keep up with. A lot of schedule changes, a lot of last minute meet ups. A lot of her asking me to take her photo at every bar and restaurant. She was beautiful but she was young and trying to build a brand. It was her life. She was a Cal grad with a Haas degree. She knew what she had to do to leverage it. We even went on a last minute trip to LA together but I couldn’t take a picture with her. She had to leave the image of availability as well. That was a turn off and ultimately, I ended it. We still keep in contact as well. I saw her IG and saw she was in NYC. She relocated to Seattle.

Boston Girl has a lot of what I like but she’s going through a transitional phase. She ended her relationship with her ex in Feb and is exploring all that she feels she missed out on. Her communication is infrequent. I see her every couple of weeks. There doesn’t feel a lot of momentum. So I don’t push it very hard. when we see each other, it’s a lot of fun. But that’s all that it is in the end. Just fun.

the Architect is young. very young. at 26, she’s a decade my junior. she’s a southern girl with an accent, charm and incredible wit. But she’s dedicated to her job and dating is secondary to everything. I haven’t seen her in a month but will see her on Wednesday. But she’s cute as a button and has admitted she has feelings for me. I got spooked by that. I’m an idiot.

FrenchieCM is having a rough go of it. Her start up that she’s invested in and helped create the product is going through the growing pains of a start up. It’s been either hearing from her consistently to then not hearing from her for weeks. I told her, ‘when things settle down for you, reach out’. She’s incredibly beautiful, very funny and blunt. I like a lot about her. But maybe it’s because it still feels so shiny and new. The timing just sucks mostly.

Niece of Head of State is well.....she intimates me.

the Vegan YouTube star....is the same issues as the ig one.

the realtor ended up becoming a friend whom now I rely on for dating advice.

The actress....sigh. I can’t even tell people who she is because she expressly asked that I don’t. She’s not famous enough to have a paparazzi following but famous enough to be recognized which she was at the Sharks game we went to last November.

Anyways, I need to wrap this up now.

PS: how did I end up with 1400 followers on here and how did I not notice that?

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