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gamequeenanya · 3 years

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Prinxiety - Purple is More Regal

Rating: T

Summary: When Roman tries to give up his crown, Virgil has to convince him that he's enough. (Human AU)

Warning: Inspired by ANGST fics! Roman angst w/ a happy ending. / trans!Virgil / self harm implications / depressed Roman / implied U!Remus / somewhat intimate prinxiety? but it's playful

Two men were sitting on a bed in Roman's room. It was grand, with fancy red curtains adorning it. The pillows were feather soft, with a hand stitched R pattern. Silence permeated through the air.

"Purple is a royal colour, you know."

Roman's voice had startled Virgil, and he looked up. The man smiled sadly.

"Huh?" Virgil said. Roman seemed broken, his eyes trying desperately to show some happiness. He inched towards Virgil on the bed. When he was close enough, he took off his crown and dropped it in front of him.

Virgil looked up in shock.

"This is for you," Roman shook his head. "I don't deserve it anymore."

"What do you mean?"

Roman turned around, fighting back tears. Virgil came closer, tentatively offering his hand if Roman wanted it. The man held it.

Virgil could tell he was stressed. He massaged Roman's newly bandaged wrist lightly, and brought it up to his lips. The gentle affection made Roman smile.

His wrist had been bandaged just hours before. He'd told Virgil he'd accidentally cut himself on glass. But Virgil knew the truth. The man had run for the bathroom and had a breakdown. He'd heard his heart wrenching sobs. The only thing stopping him from offering comfort was the fact that it would hurt Roman's pride more. So he'd waited until the man recovered.

Now seeing how broken the man was, Virgil wondered if he'd made the right choice.

Virgil moved to hug Roman, his thin, small frame supporting Roman's larger, muscular one. The man hummed gratefully, wrapping his arms around Virgil too. It was wonderful, until Virgil felt a pinching pain in his chest. He winced.

"What is it?" Roman said. Virgil groaned.

"Ugh, I wore my binder too long."

"Alright, I won't look!" Roman said, turning away so as to give him privacy. Virgil took his shirt off and then his binder, tossing it to the side. He slipped his shirt back on.

"'Kay, you can look now."

Turning around, Roman saw Virgil smile up at him. His heart beat faster in his chest and filled him with bliss. Roman wrapped his arms around him and stroked his back. Virgil purred like a cat. He smoothed his fingers through his hair.

Lifting the back of his shirt up, Virgil traced his lower back. Roman stiffened for a second. He stopped.

"A little higher," Roman muttered. He didn't like how that spot still gave him pain flare ups. Virgil did so, moving up, past the "I love you, Virgil" tattoo with the heart and bat wings above it and a rose bush of thorns below it. He traced his mid back now, tickling the red dragon tattoo he'd gotten there. Roman giggled.

Virgil could feel his heart melt. How could anyone abuse this man? He felt rage build up inside him as well, thinking of how Remus had treated him; cutting his skin and calling him worthless.

He continued tracing his upper back, hoping to distract Roman from his sadness. There was a fire and sword tattoo, and next to it a smiling Sheltie, one of Roman's favourite dogs.

The man hummed in satisfaction.

That was good. Virgil thought. He'd waited for this moment for so long. Remus had convinced Roman that he was unlovable, and it took a lot of therapy to undo the damage. Virgil had confessed to him that he liked him as soon as Roman was in a proper mental state to give an honest answer. He'd cried tears of joy and embraced him.

"I love you," Virgil muttered into his neck.

Roman couldn't help giggle and turtle. He lightly pushed him away. Smiling, he said, "I love you too!"

With his hands still lazily clawing at his back, Roman decided to return the favour. Lightly massaging Virgil's lower back, he hummed.

A tattoo was there that said "I love you Roman," with a similar design to his boyfriend's, except his heart and rosebush roses were purple. Scritching up to his middle back he jokingly petted Virgil's cat tattoo. Unlike Roman's tattoos, these didn't cover abuse scars. But they were gotten out of solidarity. He moved ever upward, stroking the bat, pumpkin, ghost, and even the scary spider tattoo.

Virgil leaned in to kiss him. Roman accepted, stroking his hair and kissing back.

Opening his eyes slightly, Virgil spotted the crown still on the bed. It was looking a little lonely, he thought. So, picking the crown up, Virgil placed it onto Roman's head. They parted their kiss, and Roman reached up to feel the crown, confused.

"You really think I am worthy...?"

Virgil nodded.

"But I'm so stupid..." he muttered. Virgil clenched his fists in rage.

"Screw the school system! And screw Remus!" Virgil said, growling. At seeing Roman’s startled expression, he looked guilty. He spoke softer. "You're so intelligent, Ro. Do you think I could ever write a screenplay? I'd have a panic attack just trying to get the formatting right! And your acting? Some people sound like cardboard cutouts, but you make it real." He looked at him with mixed emotions in his eyes.

"That's the trick," Roman muttered. "You have to become the character, and genuinely feel what they're feeling."

Virgil's eyes brightened. "And that's what I mean! Don't ever let anyone tell you you're unworthy because their analysis of you is flawed!"

Roman looked back at him and nodded slowly. Virgil stroked his hair.

"I love you, and you are good enough, understand?"

Roman chuckled lightly. He felt the crown on his head, still unsure. But Virgil's words did make him feel better.

Virgil picked up a notebook from the desk.

"Here, you can write something if you want. If it's important, I can proofread it for you."

"Alright." Roman said, picking up the notebook and a pen. He thought a while, glancing to the side, and at Virgil.

It was tough knowing he'd be scrutinized. But also he knew Virgil would never criticize his vision, just circle errors he wouldn't have noticed himself. They'd agreed upon the sorts of things Roman wanted criticized when Virgil become his beta reader. As silly as some of the ideas were, Virgil trusted that Roman knew what he was doing. Sometimes one's vision doesn't become clear until the end of the story, after all.

He wrote until his idea faded, and he put his pen down.

"Want me to see?" Virgil said. Roman shook his head.

"It's not ready yet."

Virgil nodded, understanding. He simply let Roman sit there and decide what to do next.

Roman looked down at him curiously. "Would you like to switch clothing?"

"Huh?" Virgil looked confused. "Uhh, sure."

He didn't know what his idea was, but let Roman borrow his jacket. The other man turned around, dug through his drawer, and gave him a spare Prince outfit. Virgil smiled, putting it on. He had to admit, he felt good like this.

Roman, on the other hand, looked in a mirror and sighed.

"You know, you're right-" Virgil said, cutting in before he could say something self deprecating. "Purple is a royal colour. You look good in it."

Roman smiled. "And you look amazing as a prince."

"Hey," Virgil said playfully, standing next to him. "I never said I wouldn't wear a crown."

Taking the crown off his head, Roman placed it on Virgil's. Immediately, Virgil took it off and gave it back.

"No, not your crown. A crown. So we can be husbands."

"Alright, my prince," Roman chuckled.

((3 days later))

Virgil would have been pleased with a printed paper crown. But Roman had to go all out, commissioning an actual blacksmith. After it was made, he paid the man and accepted the crown. He'd placed the crown in a box, wrapped it with Disney’s Frozen wrapping paper, and tied it with a bow on top.

When Virgil had opened the box, he gasped.

"Roman, you shouldn't have!"

He placed it on his head, finding it the perfect size. Smiling at Roman in awe, he asked him how he could ever think he'd be worthy of such a gift.

"You're my prince, and you are worthy. You are kind, supportive, and you make me happy."

Virgil blushed for the first time in a long time. "Wha...? No, you!"

Roman laughed, enjoying the cute expression on his face. He pulled out an Uno Reverse card.

"This isn't fair, Roman. I'm supposed to be the one cheering you up!"

"Life isn't fair, dear." He leaned in to gently kiss his forehead.

"Whatever."

Roman gently tickled his sides, making him giggle.

Instead of pushing him away though, Virgil pulled his hands away, but leaned closer to his torso.

"How did I ever end up with someone like you?" Roman said with a smile.

"Hey," Virgil said with a leftover giggle. "I've got five more reverse cards, and I'm not afraid to use them!"

Roman accepted his fate, putting his hands up in mock surrender.

It was so funny, he was always striving so hard for perfection that he didn't stop to think that he might be enough for someone... until now.

#sanders sides #prinxiety #roman sanders #virgil sanders #fanfiction #my fanfics #angst #hurt/comfort #u!remus

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hysterialevi · 3 years

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Hjarta | Chapter 13

Fanfic summary: In an AU where Eivor was adopted by Randvi’s family instead, he ends up falling in love with the man his sister has been promised to despite the arranged marriage between their clans.

Point of view: third-person

Pairing: Sigurd Styrbjornson x Male Eivor

Author’s note: Agh, sorry about the longer wait for this part guys! I hit a bit of a writer’s block blegh

This story is also on AO3 | Previous chapter | Next chapter

THE NEXT DAWN

BJORNHEIMR, THE DOCKS

Eivor dipped his hands into the bowl and stained his fingers with fresh blood, brushing the liquid onto his face. The red pigment of the medium stood out from his skin like stars in a night sky, and enhanced the barbarity that prowled behind his wild gaze.

Today was the day their clans would finally lead an assault on Kjotve’s fortress. Word had been sent to Fornburg about the upcoming attack, and the entirety of Bjornheimr’s villagers were bustling with preparations for the demanding journey ahead.

Everything had been set in place. Their plan, their warriors, their ships -- they were all ready to face the chaos that would clash into them head-on. The oceans were calm with the mercy of Njord’s blessing, and the seeress had done all she could to plant Tyr’s courage in the hearts of their men.

Now, the rest depended on the warriors themselves. They would have to charge the settlement with enough haste in order to save Thora before she embarked for Hel’s gates, and -- hopefully -- put Kjotve down in the process. Killing both him and Gorm was a task that even Eivor wasn’t certain they’d be able to pull off, but it was a goal worth striving for nonetheless. He just prayed that the gods favored them today.

Eivor looked up at the clouds sailing above them, and peered into their wispy structures as they glided through the air. The majority of the sky was still trapped in a deep slumber, and only a small portion of it had been greeted by the morning sun. Traces of the aurora could be seen lingering in the remaining darkness, and if he stared hard enough, the man could’ve sworn he saw the faces of fallen Einherjar looking back at him.

Eivor couldn’t fail today. He wouldn’t allow it. Thora’s life was depending on their victory, and their clans had already put in a tremendous amount of effort in keeping their people afloat. If anything went wrong this time... well, that wasn’t something he wished to dwell on at the moment.

He was already in enough distress due to everything going on between him and Sigurd, and he didn’t know if he could’ve handled the weight of another tragedy.

“Steel yourselves, men!” Ulfar’s voice boomed in the distance, grabbing the Wolf-Kissed’s attention. He was currently overseeing the preparations at the docks, and ensuring that their ships were ready to set sail. “The jarl’s daughter is depending on our victory. Do not waver, and do not scurry no matter what happens today. Hesitation will be our greatest hinderance.”

The old raider continued marching up and down the piers, keeping an eye on Bjornheimr’s warriors as they loaded their supplies onto the ships.

Meanwhile, Eivor carried on with his own business and secured a circular shield onto his back before sliding his axe into its holster, eager to shed blood. He had been thinking about the upcoming battle nonstop ever since Arngeir informed him of the plan, and found himself growing more and more restless by the minute. His head was racing with a million thoughts of how today’s war could’ve ended, and his heart was hammering against his chest like the thundering of a horse’s hooves.

Thankfully, there was a familiar face to calm him down.

“Eivor!”

Stopping what he was doing, Eivor came to a halt and glanced to his side, only to see Sigurd strolling towards him. The prince was clad in a sturdy suit of armor that consisted of leather and fur, and had the hilt of an impressive great-sword standing out from behind his shoulder. His face had been marked with a vibrant layer of blue war paint, and his hair radiated brazenly in the sun.

“Sigurd,” the young man replied, beaming at him. “You look ready for war. I’ll be honest -- I wasn’t sure if you’d join us in the upcoming battle.”

“Ulfar may have opposed the idea of me being a scout,” Sigurd said, “but I’ll not cower in the shadows and let our warriors sacrifice themselves for me. A king must be able to fight for himself, after all. If I can’t lead our men on the battlefield, then what good will I be on the throne?”

“A noble mindset to have,” Eivor commended, “but a risky one.”

“Indeed,” the prince conceded. “I’m... fully aware that there’s a chance I might not return from this assault. But I’m prepared for anything that awaits. So long as it guarantees Kjotve’s defeat.”

His lover’s face flattened with worry. “...Don’t talk like that. You’re a skilled warrior, Sigurd. I’m confident we’ll both see this through.”

“So am I. But fate is often unpredictable.”

Sigurd decided not to dwell on the grim matter anymore and switched over to another thought, bringing up a rather interesting proposal.

“Hey, Eivor. Listen. I’ve been thinking...” he stepped closer to the other man, “...if everything goes according to plan today -- we save your sister, we kill Kjotve, we rid Rygjafylke of his clan -- then me and my people will return to Fornburg. Permanently. Randvi will come with us too obviously, but I don’t know if we’ll ever return to Bjornheimr again. Apart from the occasional visit.”

Eivor had a feeling he already knew where this was going. “And?”

“And...” Sigurd continued, “I wanted to extend an invitation to you as well.”

He paused for a second, pointing a finger at himself. “Me?”

“Why not? I’ve seen you fight. You’re a man of many talents, Eivor. We could use someone like you. And besides...” a loving warmth coated the edges of his gaze, “...it’d be nice to have you around. We could go on raids together, I could show you around Fornburg, we could spend our nights drinking in the tavern... it would be wonderful. Don’t you think?”

Eivor was tempted to accept the enticing offer, but found himself hesitating nonetheless. The idea of being able to spend time with Sigurd whenever he wished was a dream like no other, but he couldn’t ignore the fact that the man was married now. Would it even be possible for them to preserve a relationship such as that?

“...I don’t know, Sigurd.” He replied sincerely. “I want to go with you, but... it’s already hard enough dealing with the fact that you’re married to someone else. I don’t know if I could handle seeing you with Randvi every single day.”

The older man’s tone dimmed slightly. “Of course. That’s understandable. I... I can’t imagine the conflict you must be going through right now.” He raised a curious brow. “Will you at least consider the offer?”

Eivor gave him a faint smile. “I’ll think about it. For you.”

Sigurd returned the friendly expression with a lighthearted chuckle. “Then let us pray that I live long enough to hear the answer.” He patted a firm hand on Eivor’s back and began guiding him towards the ships, ready to get started with the day. “Come. You and I will be sailing with Ulfar. Has he informed you of the plan?”

“Only some of it. How is this going to work, exactly? Won’t the longships just get Kjotve’s attention?”

“We won’t be taking them all the way to the shoreline.” Sigurd explained. “The ships will bring us close to Kjotve’s fortress, but we’ll use rowboats for the rest of the journey. That way, we avoid alerting his men. Once our feet are on solid land,” he gestured to the cloak on his shoulders, “our hoods come up. Don’t let anyone see your face until Dag and his scouts give us the signal to attack.”

Eivor felt a sense of unease at the mention of his name. “So Dag will still be among the scouts? Even with all your suspicions?”

Sigurd sighed in annoyance. “I expressed my concerns to my father last night, but he didn’t seem to share any of them. He believes that Dag is loyal, and trusts him to get the job done. I suppose I can’t blame him. Dag has been closely tied to my family for decades now. My father trusts him like a son. Still... the sudden shift in his behavior gives me pause. I’m not sure I like the idea of sending him so close to Kjotve.”

“What about Ulfar? Has your mind been swayed about him?”

“Like I said before -- apart from Ingrida’s vision, I have no other reason to doubt his intentions. He has yet to do anything that would arouse suspicion, but somehow, that almost makes me more nervous. After all, the ones you trust the most have the biggest chance of stabbing you in the back. I just hope my instincts are wrong.”

“As do I. I’ve known Ulfar ever since I was a boy. He was always there to fill the absence that constantly followed me after my parents’ deaths. If he turns out to be the snake...” Eivor let out a breath, “...I don’t know how I’ll react.”

Sigurd rubbed his shoulder in a reassuring manner. “I’m sure it won’t come to that. Ulfar strikes me as a man of honor, and he has no reason to betray you. You’re like a son to him. The last thing he’d want to do is endanger you.”

“Well, that’s true, I suppose. But it’s like you said -- fate is often unpredictable.”

Approaching the longship, the two of them ventured down the pier as Ulfar waited at the other end, helping his raiders prepare for the arduous journey. A few other warriors had already filled some of the seats and taken hold of the oars, including Dag himself.

Eivor had to admit -- he was surprised Sigurd was willing to sail with Dag, considering the wall that had been erected between them recently. Even though he knew that the pair of them were childhood friends, he still got the impression that the prince wanted nothing to do with him anymore. Their relationship seemed to have vanished over these past couple weeks, and Dag wasn’t exactly jumping with joy at the sight of the redheaded vikingr either.

Though, now that he thought about it, Eivor supposed it’d be easier keeping an eye on him this way. It might’ve put them at greater risk being so close to a possible traitor, but at least they’d be able to watch his every move. His only worry was that Sigurd’s suspicions would be proven right -- and that they would realize it when it was too late.

“Ulfar!” The prince called out, greeting the grizzled raider.

“Ah,” Ulfar replied, “Sigurd. Eivor. There you are. Are you both ready to set sail?”

“I believe so.”

“Good. The sooner we leave for Kjotve’s fortress, the better. As you’re aware, Dag is one of the scouts we’ll be sending in, so I want to get him there as quickly as possible.”

Ulfar shifted his gaze to Eivor.

“And what about you, little cub? How are you holding up? Are you certain you’re ready for this fight?”

Eivor nodded. “Yes. Kjotve may have slipped from my grasp before, but I won’t let it happen again. I’m prepared to do whatever it takes to save Thora.”

“Then bring honor to your family, Wolf-Kissed. Just make sure that your desire for vengeance does not overcome your sense of reason. I need you to be sharp today.”

“I will, Ulfar.”

The older man gestured towards the ship. “Then let us make haste. The day isn’t getting any younger, and I dread to think about what Kjotve will do to Thora if we don’t arrive on time. Find a seat, grab an oar, and prepare yourselves for the storm ahead. May Tyr’s courage guide your hand.”

~~~~~~~~~~

LATER THAT DAY

SOMEWHERE OUTSIDE KJOTVE’S FORTRESS

A wooden groan emitted from the ship’s weathered body as it penetrated the ocean’s waves, gliding gently along with the wind that fluttered behind its sail.

At the moment, Ulfar and his men were completely surrounded by mist, and groping blindly through a barrier of fog. For as far as the eye could see, structures and figures alike had all been obscured into one massive haze, and the only things they could detect were the nearby silhouettes of rock formations poking out from underneath the water’s surface.

The sea was calm with a disturbing layer of stillness. The mellow breeze brushed over its glassy hills like the whispers of a chanting god, and it felt like there were eyes peering at them from behind the murky veil.

It was a dangerous path to trek, that much was clear. Many obstacles stood in the way of their journey to Kjotve’s shores, and the withering daylight did little to help in terms of guiding their way.

As for Eivor, the man was currently sitting in front of Sigurd and meticulously rowing his oar, making sure not to scrape the end against any of the icebergs dotting the landscape. His arms were sore from heaving its weight for hours on end, and he could feel his muscles straining with every move.

But he wasn’t ready to give in just yet. Despite the ache spreading throughout his body, Eivor’s spirit remained fervent with an unwavering thirst for battle. He was eager to set foot on solid land, and quite frankly, part of him felt like a rabid dog being held back on a leash, just waiting for the moment he’d finally be allowed to dig his claws into the enemy.

His biggest concern right now, was that Dag would take that chance away from him.

“Alright, listen up, drengir,” Ulfar said, keeping his words at a low volume, “it won’t be long until we’re at the edges of Kjotve’s settlement. It doesn’t look like his men have noticed us yet, but any unwanted attention will surely bring our demise. So keep your mouths shut, unless you wish to let out your dying breath.”

He gestured in the distance. “Not too far away from here, one of our men will be waiting with a smaller boat. We’ll stop the ship just before it wanders into Kjotve’s line of sight, and then row you all to shore. Three at a time. Dag will be one of the first to leave. Who else will go with him?”

Almost instantly, Sigurd spoke up. “I’ll go.”

Dag shot him a glance, clearly suspicious as to why he was so willing to offer his company. But he said nothing of it.

“I’ll go too.” Eivor said.

Ulfar seemed pleased with that. “Very well. The three of you will sail to shore once we reach the other boat. In the meantime, we’ll stay behind, and ensure nothing comes your way. As for you, keep a low profile until we’re all together. Be as discreet as possible. Do not remove your hood. Understand?”

The three of them nodded in unison. “Yes.”

“Then keep your lips tight and your eyes open. We’re almost there.”

~~~~~~~~~~

A WHILE LATER

KJOTVE’S FORTRESS

Sitting quietly in the boat, Eivor watched as the water around them rippled with the oarsman’s movement and bounced off the vessel’s rim, disturbing the silence with a soft trickle.

He could see the faded outlines of Kjotve’s settlement steadily coming into view like a beast emerging from the shadows, and already, many voices began to ring in the distance.

For their enemy, it was a day like any other. People carried on with their lives the same as usual, and not a single hint of dread polluted the tranquil atmosphere. Business thrived in the settlement as villagers ventured to and fro, and not too far away from them, Eivor could see the piers of the harbor standing calmly above the sea.

It was a sight that would’ve reminded the young man of his own home, had he not known of the cruelty lurking within. A plethora of civilians populated the bustling community, and a part of Eivor almost felt guilty due to the fact that he knew some of their lives would be lost in the crossfire today. He didn’t wish any harm upon the innocent villagers who dwelled under Kjotve’s rule, but at the same time, he had no intentions of losing his sister either.

He was going to get Thora back. He didn’t care what it took to find her.

“Alright,” the oarsmen announced as the boat slid onto shore, “we’re here. Now hurry up and get to work, you three. I need to bring the rest of your ship here as soon as possible.”

Sigurd was the first to hop off. His boots planted themselves into the ground with a light splash, and tiny bits of gravel could be heard cracking under his feet.

“Go on,” the prince told the oarsmen, pulling his hood over his face. “Return to Ulfar. We’ll take it from here.”

Dag stepped off the boat. “In the meantime, I’ll start looking for a way inside the fortress.”

“What, now?” Sigurd asked. “Shouldn’t you wait for the other scouts to arrive? Most of our men are still at sea.”

“I’d rather get a head start, in case things get messy. Don’t worry. I know what I’m doing. Just wait for my signal.”

Eivor held up a hand. “Wait, what is the signal, exactly?”

Dag pointed to a brazier standing on one of the fortress’ towers. “See that beacon up there? My scouts will light it once we’ve finished paving the way for you.”

“Are you sure that’s wise?” He questioned. “Wouldn’t that just alert Kjotve’s men of our presence?”

“Yes, but by the time they realize what’s happening, we’ll already be kicking down their door. Half of them will be dead before they’re able to put up any sort of fight.”

Eivor was still apprehensive about the idea, but figured there wasn’t enough time to argue. “...Very well. If you’re certain.”

A hint of hostility sharpened Dag’s tone. “I am. Now, you two just wait here for Ulfar and his men. I’ll find a way to open the gate. Pay attention to the beacon. I won’t take long.”

Scurrying off into the dense crowds, Dag vanished without saying another word and slipped behind the cover of Kjotve’s civilians, hastily navigating his way towards the looming fortress. Meanwhile, Sigurd and Eivor remained hidden among a thick gathering of bushes and avoided stepping into the light, suddenly feeling incredibly out of place.

This was hostile territory. The people around them might’ve been fellow Norsemen, but even then, Eivor felt like he didn’t belong. The overall nature of this region was completely foreign to him, and he couldn’t quite shake off the feeling that someone was watching them.

“...So, what do you think?” Eivor whispered, earning a puzzled look from Sigurd.

“Think about what?”

The younger man tilted his head towards Dag. “About him. He was rather eager to take off without us, don’t you think? I realize we’re in the midst of an urgent matter, but still. His haste is... somewhat peculiar.”

Sigurd followed his line of sight. “Indeed. I offered to sail with Dag because I thought it’d be easier to keep an eye on him, but I think all I’ve done is make the man more cautious. I haven’t exactly been subtle with my scrutiny.”

Eivor shrugged, unable to push away the sense of doubt swelling in his chest. “...What if he’s not actually the rat?”

The prince cocked a brow. “You don’t think it’s him?”

“I don’t know. It’s possible. If I were the rat, I’d let Kjotve know about the horde of warriors coming over the horizon. I wouldn’t even give them a chance to set foot on our land. And considering how we haven’t been cut down yet, a part of me is wondering if Dag truly is the traitor.”

Sigurd wasn’t sure what to make of that. “Hmm. I suppose. Or maybe Kjotve is just biding his time -- waiting for the right moment to strike.” He let out a sigh. “...There’s just one thing I don’t understand.”

“What is it?”

“Well, if Dag is the rat, then... why would he do all this? What reason would he have to betray us?”

Eivor thought for a moment. “Maybe he doesn’t agree with this alliance. Maybe he sees my clan as weak.”

The older man had a different idea. “Possibly, but it still doesn’t make any sense. He never expressed any opposition to the alliance before, and he seemed to approve of it when we first came to Bjornheimr. His recent behavior feels more... personal.”

“You think it’s aimed at you?”

Sigurd hesitated for a second. “Actually, Eivor, if I’m being honest... I think it’s aimed at you.”

That caught the Wolf-Kissed’s attention. “What? Why would Dag be angry with me?”

The prince was at a loss. “Your guess is as good as mine. All I know is that every time I mention your name, he gets this sour look on his face. Like I’ve just spit on his mother’s grave. He always becomes more reclusive whenever I talk about you, and even just a few minutes ago, he was rather antagonistic.” His eyes lit up with a sudden thought. “Dag hasn’t given you any trouble these past couple weeks, has he?”

Eivor shook his head. “No. Dag and I haven’t said a word to each other ever since your clan arrived. The only times I’ve spoken to him is when you’ve been around.” He trailed off into a brief silence. “...Do you... do you think it’s possible that Dag believes he’s being replaced? I mean, he’s a childhood friend of yours, isn’t he? Maybe he’s threatened by me.”

A look of bewilderment slapped Sigurd across the face. “Well, yes, but... I highly doubt that’s the case. He doesn’t know about our relationship. And besides, even if he did feel that way, surely that wouldn’t be enough to motivate treason. There must be more going on here than meets the eye.”

“I hope you’re right. It’d be a shame if that were the reality. All these lives lost, and for what? The fear of being left behind?”

Sigurd took on a more serious tone. “If my suspicions turn out to be correct about Dag, I will personally send that man to the gates of Helheim myself. The truth will be revealed sooner or later.”

Eivor’s eyes darted towards the sky upon the sudden appearance of a newborn flame, causing him to nudge the prince in the arm.

“Look,” he said, pointing towards the fire. “Dag’s lit the beacon. The gates are open. We should get moving.”

“Wait...!” The prince urged, placing a restrictive hand on Eivor’s chest. The other man gawked at him in confusion.

“What? What is it?”

Sigurd thought the answer was rather clear. “You don’t find it strange that he managed to open the gates so quickly? We’ve only just arrived. The rest of our men haven’t even joined us yet. How did Dag reach it so easily?”

The Wolf-Kissed shared his lover’s skepticism, but wasn’t willing to wait.

“Well, however he did it, we don’t have much of a choice anymore,” he reiterated. “We have to attack now. Everyone in this settlement will be able to see that beacon. Kjotve’s men will know something’s wrong. We need to go before they’re able to prepare for the assault. Otherwise, Thora will be killed.”

The older man sighed in anger. “Shit...! What on Earth is that man thinking? He disappears before the rest of our clan even arrives, and now he’s forcing us to launch the assault when he knows we’re still alone?” Sigurd stepped out from hiding, and took hold of his sword. “Dag and I are going to exchange a few words once this is over. For now though, just keep your guard up. Gods know how Kjotve is going to react to this.”

Sigurd stepped out from their hiding spot and approached the center of the village, glancing at Eivor over his shoulder.

“Follow me,” he instructed, “and don’t lower your hood. Even though I doubt we’ll be able to evade Kjotve’s warriors for much longer, I’d rather not be caught in the middle of this mess when half our clan is still at sea. If we’re lucky, we’ll find more of our people along the way. Now hurry up. Thora hasn’t got much time.”

~~~~~~~~~~

A FEW MINUTES LATER

INSIDE KJOTVE’S FORTRESS

Rushing through the panicked crowds like snakes slithering through a bundle of weeds, Sigurd and Eivor hurried towards the fortress as disoriented civilians clamored all around them, trying to figure out what was going on.

The soul-shattering call of a war horn had sounded ever since Dag ignited the beacon, and now, clumps of scattered warriors were forcing their way through the cramped settlement, attempting to reach the enemy before they could launch a defense.

Fortunately, it looked like Eivor and Sigurd weren’t the only ones on Kjotve’s shores. A handful of familiar faces had also been delivered by the other boats including Randvi herself, and more of them were arriving by the minute.

As for Ulfar, the man was nowhere to be seen yet. Eivor figured he had originally been planning to sail with the last boat, but now, the Wolf-Kissed assumed he’d just bring the entire longship to land. The horn’s cries were practically loud enough to touch the edges of Rygjafylke’s borders, and he had no doubts that the old man would’ve heard it. He just prayed to the gods that his raiders arrived in time.

“In here!” Sigurd exclaimed, pressing his body against the gates. Eivor planted his palms into the surface and helped the prince push them open, creating a crack big enough for them to slip through.

Contrary to what they were expecting however, there were hardly any guards on the inside. Barely any of Kjotve’s men were patrolling the fortress’ perimeter, and the place seemed to be devoid of any life. At first, Eivor simply assumed that Dag had already killed most of them during his infiltration, but the realistic side of him knew better.

“Where is everyone?” He wondered aloud, stepping into the deserted keep. “The place looks abandoned.”

Sigurd wasn’t willing to let his guard down. “Don’t let it fool you. I’m certain Kjotve knows we’re coming now thanks to Dag. We’re likely running straight into a trap.”

“I know,” Eivor conceded, “but we have to keep moving. Even if it may be a trap, Thora needs us to find her now. We can’t waste any time.”

The older man flicked his eyes around. “Where do you think she would be?”

“Kjotve must be keeping her prisoner, so I imagine she’ll be in the dungeons.”

“Then we’ll have to make our way down. Come on. This way. I think I see some stairs.”

Ripping the shield off his back, Eivor took his axe in hand and followed Sigurd into one of the fortress’ many doorways, causing the distant sounds of battle to become muffled as they ventured behind the stone walls. The temperature in the air instantly sank upon their abrupt entry, and the lack of any sunlight made it feel as if they were roaming into an abyss.

It was eerily quiet in this section of the keep. They couldn’t hear anyone’s voices echoing off the walls, nor the clashing of any swords. The wind remained still despite the tempest that was building up outside, and a heavy stench sat just underneath Eivor’s nose.

It admittedly disturbed the young man, how familiar the stench was. He found no shortage of it in Bjornheimr after their first encounter with Kjotve’s clan, and now, the sickeningly sweet smell had returned.

The revolting aroma seeped into the thin crevices embedded in the wall, and it only seemed to intensify with every step they took. By now, the sound of something creaking had reached Eivor’s ears as well, and he could feel the pace of his heart increasing rapidly with each passing second.

“Do you smell that...?” The young man whispered, his voice laden with dread.

Sigurd gave him a grim look. “Yes. It... it smells like...” he let out a brief cough, “...oh, gods.”

Holding his shield out in front of him, Eivor braced himself for an ambush as they approached the bottom of the stairs, getting closer to what he assumed were the dungeons. The mysterious stench had completely filled his nostrils at this point, and a part of him even swore he could almost taste it.

At the other end of the staircase, Eivor barely made out the faint shadow of a lone figure swaying on the floor. No enemies had leapt out at them just yet, but even then, the young man felt the urgent desire to run from this place as soon as possible.

A pang of ice-cold fear had burrowed itself into the very flesh sitting on his bones, and for the first time in years, he found himself battling the temptation to drop his weapons and flee.

When he finally found the source of the smell though, his entire body froze in horror.

Dangling above him, Eivor saw the fresh corpse of a prisoner swinging lifelessly in the wind, hanging from the ceiling as if it were a chandelier. Its skin was grey due to the frost that had settled into its flesh, and its blank eyes almost bulged out of their sockets.

There wasn’t anyone accompanying the body -- dead or alive -- but regardless, Eivor could still sense the spirit lingering in the vicinity, waiting for someone to discover its abandoned shell. Its unseen presence loomed over them like a wolf prowling in the woods, and within seconds, all the color had drained from the young man’s face.

He collapsed to his knees and stared hopelessly into the corpse’s eyes, doing everything he could to suppress the scream that was now building up in his throat.

“...Th-Thora?”

#hjarta #assassin's creed valhalla #ac valhalla #sigurd styrbjornson #eivor wolfkissed #eivor wolfsmal #eivor varinsson #male eivor #sigurd x male eivor #ac valhalla fanfic

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journaldefafa · 2 years

Text

A Letter to You:

It’s December – which means all the memories are stampeding in my head, since it’s their anniversary. Two days ago, was our first date, today? It’s our first kiss – my first kiss. I don’t know if I feel silly or bold for writing this down, but these emotions better go somewhere… so here we go! I was asking myself the other day if “remembering” was a blessing or a curse? In the grand scheme of things, I believe it is a blessing. But having a vivid memory is also my eternal damnation in a way because there are no rules to what you remember, no filters! What you remember is what you remember, and those memories can either make you or break you. A good memory can turn to a bad one after time. A bad memory can lose its gravity with time. You can remember using all of your senses. A memory can be ignited by a certain smell, song, and touch. I’m grateful for the memories you gave me… I really am. Because they came in a point in my life where I thought I was undeserving. I couldn’t believe that I too, can have beautiful things and happy memories. Happiness always seemed so out of reach; I was always destined for a life of melancholy. I even started believing that this is my essence as a person – my sadness. It’s the only thing I know how to do, matter of fact, I excel at it! Give me a good memory and I’ll turn it into a sad one immediately. Anyways, that’s beyond my point. Though this period of “us” was brief – oh so brief, yet I would still like to thank you. Because man I’ve got some memories stored up that’ll put a smile on my face for years of hibernation. I know to you this is nothing, was nothing, just nothing – but to me? To me it was my revolution, my awakening, my epiphany. Thank you for making me see that I deserve nothing but beautiful things in my life. I’ve lived many years believing I’m unworthy of that. Lived many years believing these innocent moments would never belong to me – as I’m not privileged enough for this type of happiness. My past and background does not allow me to strive for such beautiful memories. I thought I was born to live in misery… because I came from a miserable place, a miserable love, a miserable family. But you showed me unintentionally, I assume, that this misery doesn’t have to be inherited and carried on. That I can break the cycle and just love. Believe me that if I loved you less, then I would’ve been able to send you this letter. I am that hopeless of a romantic; this is who I am in the most - authentic, real, put my heart out on my sleeve - kind of way. But just like all the dreamers out there, we eventually get crushed by the cruelty of the world. And in my case, your cruelty (and the world’s also!). Nonetheless, I will thank you again, and hopefully for the last time, because I want to stop dwelling on this… occurrence? Situationship? Whatever you call it! These memories have to stop being dwelled upon. I will always remember all the details of all the days I’ve had with you. And I will accept fate’s sly game of giving me just enough of good to make me want to live again. Because hand-to-god Amer, I never felt more alive than the days I were with you.

#letter #memories #closure #AC #36

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spell-cleaver · 4 years

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DAY 20: ANGSTOBER: Deception @angstober

Part four, and the penultimate part, of the Imperial Luke AU/The Hero AU established in these three earlier ficlets. I’m gonna warn now, this features major character death, an unhappy/depressing ending, and it’s all around just Not A Fun Time, so please be careful when reading.

The detention levels of the Palace were even more familiar to him now, it seemed, than when Luke had been doing his training with the ISB and with COMPNOR and with Palpatine himself: he had already been down here several times, and here he was again.

He disliked how drawn he was to the captured Rebel leaders. He disliked it immensely—and he disliked even more that his father seemed to take it as a sign that everything was getting better. Luke would finish overseeing the operation he himself had come up with, organised, carried out and executed, he assumed, then he could move onto his princely duties in a galaxy free from the scourge of the Rebellion.

If only it was that simple.

Guilt still gnawed at Luke’s chest.

Before he knew it, he was in front of the cell—cell 2187. Leia’s cell.

“You are dismissed,” he told the death troopers at his sides. They hesitated, and he snapped it again—a little crueller than usual, which he was sure wasn’t helping his case with them. But they went, obedient as ever, and he took a deep breath.

And stepped in.

Leia was lying flat on her back on the bench when he entered, staring deadly up at the ceiling. He’d half expected her to still be in the Rebel fatigues she’d been captured in, but no: she was in standard Imperial prisoner garb, the shapeless grey suit too large on her small frame.

Before she even looked up, she was drawling, “Come to try at me again? That’s not going to—”

“Isn’t it?” Luke said coolly.

She stiffened. Bolted upright so fast she was a beige blur, and her face contorted when she laid eyes on Luke. She was up, on her feet in a second, lunging for him—

He let her get one good hit in, to his face. He rode the blow back, feeling something in his nose give and pain burst forth, hot blood splattering her fist and his cheek, then he stepped to the side—just as the cell door hissed closed in front of her, locked.

She stared at it and let out a scream.

“Are you finished?” Luke asked. He pinched his nose between his thumb and forefinger—he’d have to get to the Palace medbay, have that seen to, after this.

“Never.” She got back to her feet and glared at him. She seemed to take immense satisfaction in the blood that was spattered on his white, white uniform. “You deserve so much more, you bastard.”

He wiped his nose again and laughed lowly to himself—he didn’t know what else to do. Tell her he hadn’t meant it? He had. Tell her he regretted it? He wasn’t about to admit that.

Leia was still watching him with furious eyes. “Why are you here?” she growled. “Come to kill me in person? Or just to see what your handiwork has done?”

Why was he here? It wasn’t to interrogate her—he knew that much. It wasn’t to apologise to her—that would be moot. It wasn’t…

Why was he here?

Did he doubt himself?

Did— did he—

No.

He clenched his fists in his gloves. No.

He shouldn’t be here.

Why was he here?

Why had he let her hit him?

“You’re a traitor,” she spat. If she had been a Force-user, her eyes would have been yellow.

Luke repeated what he’d said to Evaan: “I’m not a traitor. Just a highly successful spy.”

“You are!” she spat. “A torturer, a liar, I hate you—”

And though Luke knew hatred like a familiar friend, he balked at that sentence.

“—and you are responsible for all of this. The only word for you traitor.”

Luke flinched. He didn’t mean to, but he did. Leia’s lips twisted in a vicious, mirthless smile.

“You have an objection to that word?”

“I am no traitor,” Luke said evenly. “I am loyal to my father. I am loyal to the Empire.” He… had struggled with that, for years, when his father had first proposed the idea of a coup: Vader, his father, the epitome of all he strived to be, wanted him to betray the Emperor? All the training he’d received, from every moment of his education from cadet to specialised ISB trainee, had taught him to venerate Palpatine. Palpatine had taught him to venerate him. It had been a long time before he’d accepted that killing him wasn’t treason.

It had been a long time before his father had trusted him with the knowledge of the abuse and indignity his master subjected him to, and the knowledge of the Death Star they were building.

But eventually he’d seen the truth: Palpatine was evil.

“I always have been.”

Palpatine was a scourge on the galaxy. He was a scourge on the Empire that Luke had dedicated everything to serving.

He had to go—and so did his precious battle station.

So when Leia snarled, “You’re a traitor to the galaxy, for participating in its oppression like this!”

Luke had been half-turned away, but now he snapped right back, his glare out in full force. Her eyes blew wide at the sight of him—ah, yes, he’d always made an effort to hide when his irises went yellow in the Rebellion—but she jutted out her chin and stood her ground, her hands in trembling fists.

“I destroyed the Death Star,” Luke said, “remember? Palpatine was a megalomaniac—”

“And you and your father aren’t!?”

“Don’t talk about my father like that,” he snapped. “Palpatine was a tyrant, a despot; we were always going to kill him. We were always going to destroy his little toy, and protect the galaxy from the turmoil he wanted so desperately to plunge it into. The fact that you stole the plans just meant I could come up with my own plan to take the Rebellion down at the same time.”

Leia gritted her teeth. “You’re—”

“The Rebels are the traitors to the galaxy, by that logic,” Luke continued. His voice gained fervour with every syllable—yes. Yes, this was it. This was the certainty he’d been looking for. “You are the ones who decided to resurrect war after the Empire finished it, who caused uprisings on multiple worlds and brought carnage upon them—”

“Do you hear yourself?” Leia laughed brazenly. “You were with us, Luke—if that’s even your name—”

“Of course it’s my name. It wouldn’t have been nearly as effective otherwise.”

“—you heard the pilots talking. You think that many people joined because we wanted death? The Empire brought war to them. All of them suffered, all of them decided they were willing to fight and suffer more if it meant it could spare others the same fate. And because of that, you will never kill us, you will never kill hope. All the strength of your Empire can do nothing—”

“Save your propaganda rant, I’ve had enough of that over the last few years. And it was far more effective then.” Was this what he had fallen for? The passionate words of a princess from a pacifist world, held in higher regard than his father?

She was wrong about strength. She was wrong about the Empire.

If she was right, she wouldn’t be sitting in a cell waiting to die.

She paused, a strange look passing over her face. “It was effective?”

Luke suddenly did not like the turn this conversation was taking. He strode for the door, but Leia blocked his way.

“You believed in our cause for a while? Yes or no; it’s a simple question,” she eyed his uniform, “my lord.”

He looked her in the eye. Their faces were inches apart, but neither of them backed down.

“I had doubts, for some time,” he hissed. “Until now, in fact. But you are pathetic enough that now I remember why the Empire is strong, and the Rebels were always doomed to fail.”

He pushed her out of the way and strode right for the exit, the sharp lights of the detention cell now starting to make his head hurt. Or perhaps that was the Force, constricting around him in this monumental moment—the moment he saw the truth, again—the moment destiny fell into place—

“Liar,” she called to his back. He stopped at the top of the steps, one hand already raised to open the door. “You can lie to yourself, and to your precious father.” She spat the word on the ground. “You can pretend that you are the perfect Imperial prince, a saviour, but you are still lying. And we both know the truth.”

He froze, every muscle in his body tensed to the point of pain.

“We thought you were a hero, after Yavin. That was a lie too. Because you wear the garb of a prince, Luke Skywalker.” Her voice was intense. “But I know princes. And I know that you are nothing but a liar, a coward and a fool.”

The lightsaber at his hip itched.

He wanted to draw it. He wanted to draw it, so badly, to spin around and skewer her there, watch the life drain from her eyes in shock, have her look upon his crimson blade—the blade his father gifted him because he was proud of him, because he became more skilled than any of the Inquisitors he’d trained with and so he deserved something better—and understand that this was who he was. That the Empire had defeated her, once and for all.

But he was his father’s son.

He clenched his right hand, and she choked.

Gasping.

Heaving.

She fell to her knees.

“I am none of those things,” he told her. His father’s gentle words, his love, devotion, dedication, poured through their bond and his memories, bolstering him. He remembered what he’d said—and now, finally, he could try to bring himself to accept it. “I am a hero.”

He said it with feeling. So much feeling that when the body hit the ground, unmoving, he could almost believe it himself.

#my writing #random words on a page #luke skywalker #leia organa #space twins #darth vader #dark luke #imperial luke skywalker #flash fiction: star wars #flash fiction #angstober #angstober2020 #thehero #the hero #the hero au

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tiaragqueen · 4 years

Text

Samaritan

✂ Pairing: Yandere! Ghost! Kirishima Eijirou x Reader

✂ Word Count: 1,7k+

✂ Trigger Warning: Obsessiveness, mention of murder, death, blood, injury

[Edited]

***

I always get brilliant ideas whenever I'm sleepy it's almost inconvenient. There's not much yandere in this one, just an introduction and all. Maybe I'll try to fit the hard stuff later. Meanwhile, enjoy puppy Kirishima!

If you like my writing, please support me on ko-fi!

“Don’t leave me. I believe, I reach out to you. No ending, you are my hope. Even if I’m struck by rain, even if I’m erased by darkness, feel it without closing your eyes. You are not alone.” - Don’t Leave [Bangtan Seonyeondan]

For the longest time, Kirishima had been lonely. Every day, he roamed the house in search of a company from the little animals that resided there. Mosquitoes rung on his ears like a persistent alarm as he examined the familiar dust coating the furniture. They were his loyal companions. Friends, almost. He wasn’t crazy, but every living thing was better than nothing. Even if the said living thing was cockroaches, who he had the misfortune to encounter occasionally. He didn’t despise them, per se. And yet, there was something utterly distasteful about seeing them skittered from one place to another. He almost wished he was still alive and healthy, just so he could get rid of them immediately.

But, alas, it remained wishful thinking on his part. And nothing pained him more than seeing his reflection in the mirror; translucent pale skin, spiky red hair that used to be reminiscent of flame due to its vibrant color, sharp teeth, and crimson eyes obscured by the agony of being unable to move on. Because he couldn’t, for some unknown reasons. Perhaps, this had something to do with the house.

This was his resting place, after all. A killer had somehow broken in when he was waiting for his girlfriend, Mina, to come. The next thing he knew, he was knocked out of the chair and wheezed on the floor while the murderer watched derisively. He couldn’t recognize their face due to the mask that concealed it almost entirely, but he could see their eyes. They were wide as if they were engrossed in some sick entertainment and refused to look away. It wasn’t until they heard a footfall on the front door did they finally escaped through the window, and by the time Mina found him, it was already too late. The wound on his stomach was too wide to cover, and the blood that poured was too much to handle.

That was years ago, though. He didn’t know if the killer was already found or not since Mina had moved out to live with her roommate and couldn’t bear to visit anymore. But he did know that the injustice of his death was the reason why he was stuck here, floating aimlessly while his friends continued with their lives, unable to peacefully ascend to the next realm because he couldn’t accept it. He couldn’t accept that he was already dead. He couldn’t accept that he was no longer able to chat and meet with his friends and colleagues anymore. He couldn’t accept the fact that this house was his eternal home now if it could be called one.

It was unfair. Life was unfair to him. He was supposed to live long. He was supposed to marry the love of his life. He was supposed to see his future children playing in the yard. He was supposed to die quietly from old age, cradled by his frail wife, not gurgling on his own blood and listened to her wails and frantic shouts.

Except… there was nothing he could do to change his fate, was there? Maybe he’d always been destined to this way, the same way he was destined to be born from his mother’s stomach. He didn’t know. He just… wished it hadn’t come so soon. He wished it hadn’t been so abrupt. He wished he could put up a fight instead of freezing in shock.

Sighing, Kirishima put a hand against the brittle glass and stared outside. The familiar yard greeted him for the hundred times, untended and soaked from last night’s rain. Petrichor wafted through the vents and easily soothed his high-strung nerves, his favorite scent when the musty smell of old wood became too much for him to bear. Lightning flashed sporadically in the bleak sky and thunder resounded somewhere distant, but the rain had yet to fall again.

Lost in his musing, Kirishima failed to notice a strange car parked in the driveway. He blinked and immediately focused on the silhouette of a person who was fumbling with something through the tinted window. Who were they? What were they doing in here? Were they planning to investigate his murder? But the case had been closed a long time ago, and the car didn’t look like it belonged to the police or something. An investigator, then?

Or, maybe, a new occupant?

The prospect of having a stranger lived in his house perked him up considerably. It’d been a long time since he saw someone unrelated to the police visiting him – well, not really. Still, Kirishima wouldn’t let the thought discouraged him from attempting to befriend them. He didn’t know if they were the type to believe in the supernatural, but he hoped they could accept his existence here. Better yet, be his friend. It’d be nice to have someone whom he could talk to freely without screaming or flinching every second.

Kirishima nodded to himself and looked out, curious eyes widening when he saw you stepping out of your car. A girl! That was rather unexpected, but he guessed it was better than nothing. Though, with every step you took towards the house, Kirishima began to worry about his social skills. It’d been a long time since he interacted with anyone, after all. Nobody could blame him if he got rusty, especially around the opposite sex.

Regardless, it wouldn’t hinder him from trying. He prayed you wouldn’t be so jumpy around him.

Beaming, Kirishima moved to the doorstep like an overeager dog waiting for its owner and watched you unloading bags after bags from your car. His brows creased when he saw the fatigue that eclipsed your face and looked down as though disappointed by his unhelpful self. First time seeing someone in so many years and he already let you carry all the baggage alone. What kind of a friend was he?

For the next hours, he hovered over you and tried to assist you by arranging the little things neatly. He wasn’t a clean freak, but a touch of the order was something that he very much welcomed. It was the only thing he could do to alleviate your exhaustion, and as a ‘thank you’ gift for accompanying him despite all the rumors that surrounded the house. Though, he wasn’t sure if you’d heard them.

When you noticed the result, you’d glanced around bewilderedly before shrugging. You didn’t thank him, and yet, the fact that you thought nothing of his ‘work’ strangely gratified him. Perhaps, it was because you weren’t being paranoid like he’d expected you to. Nevertheless, it felt as if you’d patted him on the head or something.

This small help extended to the following days of your stay. From rushing to the kitchen and placed a clean glass on the table when he spotted you rising from the couch to drink, preparing a toothbrush and toothpaste before you slept, to covering you in blanket whenever you shivered in your slumber, he’d eagerly did it all. Sometimes, he’d linger on the bedside and gaze down at your tranquil face.

During those intimate moments, he’d silently thank the stars above for blessing him with such an agreeable companion and caressed the hair away from your eyes. He never got tired of marveling at your visage – sleep wasn’t a necessity for him, and even if it did, how could he reject the chance to admire you from up close? – and he wondered how would you react once you see him. Would you be scared of him? He hoped not. He’d spent so much time with you he couldn’t bear the thought of you actively avoiding him. Not that you could, though. Would you admire him the same way he’d done to you every single day? His cheeks bloomed at the idea as he shyly looked away.

Kirishima had been thinking about revealing his existence, but never once did he realize it. The fear of your judgment was the strongest among many inhibitions, and he found himself unconsciously prolonging the inevitable moment. However, Kirishima knew that he needed to do it sooner or later.

And he finally found the right opportunity to do it when you sat down on the dressing chair one night and stared at the mirror.

“This is stupid, I know, talking to my reflection like this. But…” you sighed. “hear me out. I’ve been noticing strange things, lately. They’re small, but disturbing nonetheless.”

Disturbing? Did that mean you hated his efforts?

“I don’t really believe in supernatural things like that, but if you can show your face to me, I’ll be grateful. Anything to let me know that I’m not going crazy within my first week here.”

Kirishima bit his bottom lip, wondering if he should come clean to you. He knew that he was striving for your approval, for your happiness, because he feared that you’d leave him someday. And he didn’t want that; he refused to be alone anymore. Forgotten by anyone and anything that used to stick with him and merely drifted through periods. He wanted to mean something to you, he wanted to leave a mark on your mind. Anything to make you know that he existed, and yet, he lacked the courage to do so.

However, he didn’t have much time to mull over before you stood up.

“Ah, forget it,” you grumbled. “Maybe I am crazy.”

“No!” Your eyes bulged when you felt a pair of sturdy arms wrapped around your stomach and pulled you to a hard chest. Strands of carmine hair caressed your jaw as Kirishima buried his head on the crook of your neck, desperate to delay you just a bit longer. “Please, don’t go. Don’t leave me alone, [Name]-chan.”

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redbeanboi · 4 years

Text

Guido Mista : ESTP [JJBA]

Excited to finally share this! One large bowl of mixed salad for the hungry beanie babies, as requested. :-)

As always—I’ll be looking at the Jungian cognitive functions.

And an extra big thank you to @string-bean-owo for helping me find some of these manga panels! :-)

Warning: Extended Spoilers ahead for JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure: Vento Aureo.

Functional Order: Se-Ti-Fe-Ni

Perceiving Functional Axis: Extroverted Sensing (Se) / Introverted Intuition (Ni)

Extroverted Sensing (Se)

Se is a perceiving function that relies on the five senses (touch, taste, sound, smell, sight) to interact with the environment. Se dominants like Mista prefer material, tangible things and don’t particularly like abstract ideas or concepts, as seen when Giorno first joins the gang and starts sharing his theories and strategies during enemy attacks (stuff that Mista cannot readily accept). Note Mista’s reactions to Giorno’s crazy hypothesis on the train:

Source: JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure, Ch. 489

Mista finds it difficult to trust what his eyes (and ears, etc.) can’t perceive, and it’s only after Trish proves Giorno’s “theory” that he accepts it. Tangible, physical proof and evidence are things that Se dominants rely on when it comes to making their own conclusions. He handles solid, physical or simply real world information better than vague hypotheticals (which is where you often see him and Giorno clash).

Se dominants also love novel thrills, material items and creature comforts, which is one of Mista’s defining traits. Mista loves experiencing the world through his five senses because of Se and loves cheese, wine, sleep and good looking people. Se is a very big contributor to ESTP’s love of food, sports/physical action and/or sex (or any physical activity really). ESTP’s (and other Se dominants like ESFP) constantly seek out fun, sensory experiences to stay happy.

Source: JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure, Ch. 508

Mista’s keen observation is yet another example of Se dominance; he’s quick on the uptake and uses his Se to process external stimuli. Whenever Mista gets into a fight, he takes mental note of his physical surroundings and uses his observations to make conclusions.

Source: JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure, Ch. 464

ESTP’s are very physical and quickly respond to environmental demands, which is why Mista is able to think quickly on his feet and go with the flow on many different occasions. Wow!

Introverted Thinking (Ti)

Ti is more of a subconscious function in ESTP’s, but it’s what fuels their drive to understand the world and master their skills/talents. Like other ESTP’s, Mista uses Ti to analyze and process the ideas that his Se creates based on past experiences or any knowledge he’s acquired in his life. Together, these functions serve as a logical framework to help Mista determine which ideas/decisions are logical and which aren’t. It’s essentially a problem solving tool.

Though he’s not the type to overthink things, there are often times when Mista has to use Ti to make important decisions—betraying the Boss and organization being one of them. Knowing that Bucciarati is smart and having known him for a decent amount of time, Mista’s come to learn Bucciarati’s pragmatism as fact, and as Mista points out, Bucciarati wouldn’t betray the organization if it was a losing fight. Having seen Bucciarati make smart decisions in the past is what ultimately convinces Mista to join the band of traitors. He doesn’t necessarily cite protecting Trish as his primary motivation for betraying Passione, like Narancia—I think Extroverted Feeling played some role in this decision though, even if it was subconsciously—and Mista pretty much tells it like it is: he’ll get “filthy, stinkin’ rich” once this is over.

Source: JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure, Ch. 523

This might be a sillier instance, but Mista’s theory on the tastiness (or lack thereof) of human flesh is another pretty good example of his Ti. He uses information he knows—”cats, lions, eagles, etc. are all carnivores and aren’t served in restaurants because the meat’s smelly, etc.”—to come to the conclusion that humans would taste pretty gross because they also eat meat!

Source: JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure, Ch. 590

Extroverted Feeling (Fe)

ESTP’s Fe is what ultimately drives them to use their keen observation and problem solving skills to help other people, as opposed to using these traits for purely selfish reasons. Mista is drawn to and strives to attain interpersonal peace, harmony and understanding (remember that he prefers to live a “simple life”), and I believe that this Fe is where his humanitarian side comes from. The most obvious example of his caring, compassionate side is his entire backstory.

Source: JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure, Ch. 508

Mista’s Fe kicked in as soon as he saw this woman getting beaten in the car and acted on it, and although he is analytical and does make logic-based decisions (i.e. his decision to join Bucciarati and betray the Boss), Extroverted Feeling often drives him to do the “right” thing, most especially in the spur of the moment. In this instance, it’s killing a bunch of trashy men.

In social environments, Fe works with Se and brings out Mista’s sillier, humorous side.

Source: JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure, Ch. 486

Source: JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure, Ch. 590

Of course, at the same time, while Mista is extroverted and lively, he’s also perfectly fine with just enjoying his teammates’ company and doesn’t always need to take over the conversation and is okay with just making his little side comments.

Source: JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure, Ch. 456

Source: JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure, Ch. 524

Of course, because Se is Mista’s dominant function, he usually shows his affection through action (rather than words) since it’s more comfortable for him; he’s not very good at explaining himself after the Rolling Stones incident, but Mista’s willingness to put himself into harm’s way to change Rolling Stones’ form is pretty indicative of the love and loyalty he has for Bucciarati.

Source: JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure, Ch. 594

Introverted Intuition (Ni)

I know it’s easy to make jokes that Mista always ends up full of lead because almost all of his ammo gets fired back at him, but Vento Aureo is full of instances that show just how good Mista is at pulling information his Se has stored away and using that information to prepare an attack on his enemy.

We can assume that Mista’s dealt with a lot of other stand users at this point, especially since he knows the basics about Long-Range and Close-Range stands and keeps this info in mind when he’s looking for Sale.

Source: JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure, Ch. 464

The White Album arc is my favorite to refer to when it comes to identifying Mista’s strengths as a member of Bucciarati’s team (also a good display of his Ni, both in its healthy and destructive forms).

Ni is sort of Mista’s “achilles heel,” since it’s undoubtedly his weaker function; it’s not nearly as strong as his Se and Ti, which Mista utilizes and relies on more. That being said, Ni helps Mista to pull from every single corner of his noggin and gets him to hone in on the evidence pulled from his Se. And from there, he looks for patterns in the information Ni gathers or just skips the thought process altogether and just predicts what might happen next (which you see when he kind of just jumps the gun—no pun intended).

Mista’s good at keeping calm during moments of crisis and usually thinks things through, enabling him to make important deductions in life or death scenarios. “Obviously this weird enemy has to breathe somehow! I can attack from there!”

Sources: JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure, Ch. 512 (above) and Ch. 514 (below)

At the same time, this Ni is a little dangerous when it gives Mista the idea that it’s alright to just “do first and think later”... and that’s usually when he forgoes thinking altogether.

Source: JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure, Ch. 512

Cue the ricocheting bullets.

And it happens again during the Rolling Stones arc when Mista decides to jump outside of the apartment building with Rolling Stones—even though he doesn’t exactly know what will follow. He makes this decision without having thought it through carefully and it’s only after he falls (and survives) that Mista realizes he can’t change Rolling Stones, and in a sense, cannot change fate (oOoo).

Source: JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure, Ch. 594

_____

A/N: This was super fun !!! Mista’s probably one of my favorite characters of all time, and I really think he embodies the ESTP type. At this moment in time, I haven’t gotten an Enneagram post for him planned in the near future, but I’ve typed him as a 7w8 if that helps. hope you enjoyed reading this !

#fictional character mbti #jjba mbti #vento aureo #guido mista #estp #man i love writing informal essays #:-D #stan MISTA #metas #?#does this count as a meta #idk

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werevulvi · 3 years

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I kinda just wanted to make a rant, to lay out why I feel so iffy about trans women and hopefully get a better understanding of my own feelings and what the fuck is brewing under that surface. There has to be a reason. This post is analytical drivel, not a debate, but by all means, feel free to respond or otherwise talk to me about this. Let's take it from the beginning and then go from there.

Part 1 Detransition:

So, I began detransitioning roughly 2 years ago. That's where my feelings about the trans community as a whole began to shift, and with that my feelings about trans women. At that time, I was still active in a truscum group and came out as detrans there, after having been known and looked up to as a trans man there for over a year. At first I was accepted, but when I started having doubts about wanting to get rid of my beard, and felt like I wanted to embrace my body hair and deep voice... people there started acting like shit towards me. They told me that my biological sex still being female did not matter, that I was essentially a man and had to detrans medically to be considered a woman again. That hurt badly.

Shortly after that, I was also told that because I was medically transitioned, trans women were "more female" than me. That was like the last drop that made the goblet pour over. Fuming, I started saying that I'm more of a woman than trans women can ever be, even if I keep a full beard, because they'll never be truly biologically female, no matter how much surgery they got. I was hurting by their cruel words, so I stuck it where it would hurt them the same. (I’ve always an “eye for an eye” sorta person.) That's when people started telling me that I hate trans women, but I felt like that was a misunderstanding. That I was just acting out, out of sadness, grief, anger, panic, and having my gender denied for the sake of validating trans women's genders.

But were they right?

Part 2 Gender critical thought:

Over time, I got exceedingly gender critical and fell into radblr. I also read/watched content that "exposed" transgenderism as a scam, most of which was articles and youtube videos from conservative right wing people, and Christians. I had joined an fb group for detransitioners, and the creator, a "born again" Christian detrans man, happily shared all the many sources he had on how transgender was all a scam from the start of its movement. I felt somewhat sick consuming those links, but probably equally intrigued. But at the same time, I kept a foot in the trans community, starving for attention, even though I was never good enough for them anymore, unless I lied and said I'm not a woman. What a sick twist of fate, I felt.

Part 3a Sexuality, from a lesbian view:

Sometime around that, I struggled with my sexuality and after a lot on inner search, I came to the conclusion I was a lesbian. I felt as though I was only attracted to the same sex as myself, including trans men, but felt nothing worth praising towards males, including trans women. That led to yet another rabbit hole that I tumbled down into. I became convinced that majority of trans women were lesbophobic predators, and I had some shit luck on dating apps. Most people who approached me there were gnc males; transvestites and trans women. I almost went on a date with a good-looking trans woman whom I had mistaken for female, because I felt guilty for having lost attraction to her the moment she told me she's trans and post-op. Luckily she canceled our date for unrelated reasons. I felt like because she was attractive to me before I knew she's trans, but felt completely uninterested in her after the fact, I couldn't possibly be attracted to trans women.

Part 3b Sexuality, from a bisexual view:

That, of course, is not necessarily a bad thing. But I kept asking myself why. Especially since I realised my error in my sexuality calculations, and upon correction discovered I'm actually bisexual after all. I still find women and transitioned females attractive, and in addition to that also men in general, and some vaguely transitioned males. Except from trans women. That odd little inconvenience stood out as a sore thumb which I couldn't stop scratching. Why? I kept asking myself. Why not trans women?

My question dug deeper than just to attraction. I don't think I feel iffy about trans women because I'm not attracted to them. I think it's the other way around.

I never had to convince myself to be attracted to trans men. I discovered early on in my own transition that some other trans men were really hot. That was it. I later on dated a trans man whom I was head over heals in love with. That confirmed it. I've been questioning my attraction to standard men and women far more than I ever questioned my attraction to trans men. It was that obvious, that clear. However, when it comes to trans women I was always the complete opposite. That no matter how I twisted and turned it, I only ever felt revulsion at the thought of being sexual or romantic with a trans woman. No matter how well or badly they passed, no matter how aesthetically pleasing or how charming their personalities.

I wanna clarify that I'm not at all forcing myself to be into trans women. I'm just trying to understand why, so that I'll no longer feel bad about my lack of attraction to them. Because I cannot accept things which I do not understand.

Part 3c Sexuality, digging for answers:

At first I thought, maybe I'm just not all that attracted to femininity. It's not like I typically get super into hyper-feminine natal women either, and fake tits and faces with a ton of plastic surgery has always made me queezy. No, I seem to have a strong preference for masculinity in partners, regardless if they're butches, other masc bi women, trans men or kinda standard masc natal men. So then it just kinda makes sense that trans women, whom are often hyper-feminine, just don't fit that image. Except... that one trans woman I almost went on a date with... she looked like a butch. I mistook her for a natal woman partly because she had short hair, no makeup and wore what looked like men's clothing, but I could see she had hips and tits, and her face looked naturally female. But I still wasn't into her, because she's trans.

Then I thought... okay, that one checks out, but maybe I'm just creeped out neo-vaginas? Yeah, that must be it! I'm almost equally creeped out by neo-penises too, but most trans men don't get bottom surgery anyway, so it hasn't been much on my mind. But then I thought: okay, but what about trans women who choose to not get bottom surgery then? I am attracted to dick. Nope, still uneasy at that thought. I started comparing men who are just very feminine, to trans women, and noticed yeah I don't actually feel half as iffy about men who are just feminine. A man in a dress and makeup can actually be very hot, to me. And I've always preferred long hair on men. But I prefer them still looking clearly male underneath that, although I don't mind a few androgynous features here and there. But I’m only into it if they don’t act like their affinity for femininity makes them women or non-binary, or if they’re feminine in a way that mocks or sexualises womanhood. So I’m not into tacky transvestites in over-sexualised lingerie. At least try to be tactful and elegant, please. So, it’s not male femininity per se that puts me off. If there’s any femininity I’m actually into, it’s male femininity. Because gender non-conformity is attractive to me. And I love the idea of being a strong female protector and girlboss of a gentle, delicate, feminine man. At least I like fantasising about that. (But enough about my daydreams.)

Part 4a Womanhood, biology and identity:

Somewhere after having gotten that far in my digging, I started getting close to finding my sore spot: trans women's view on womanhood.

As for myself, my own view of womanhood is completely detached from femininity. I'm just like... I can even have a full beard and bass voice, a flat and hairy chest, and still be a woman. Because I'm simply bio female. Trans women tend to very often think that they need to "pass" and with that comes a certain look: high voice, no facial hair, no body hair, big breasts, curvy hips, etc. All of which are features that I'm dysphoric about having on my own body, but admire in other natal women. But on trans women, it's like I feel uncomfortable about those kinda features on them. Like to me being a woman is just dealing with having developed that way, or not dealing with having developed that way. Where as for them it seems to be actually striving for developing that way, and I guess that causes my brain to short circuit. Cannot comprehend.

Part 4b Womanhood, fragility and validation:

My womanhood is kinda fragile. I admit that. I'm quite insecure as a woman, because of my transition and masculinity. I feel like most of my womanhood has been lost, which although I'm fine with, I still grieve. I grieve it because I was a bit of an idiot when I first transitioned and had not yet processed my trauma - not because I regret looking like a man. It's complicated, but basically... I feel as though my womanhood is hanging by a thread, which is my genitals, reproductive system and chromosomes; all of which are either mostly hidden or always invisible.

I'm often met with disbelief and disagreement. People either saying "You're not a woman because you can't possibly be female. You look too male." or "You're not a woman because you medically transitioned. You having a uterus is not enough to make you a woman." and it gets to me. And then there are trans women... some of whom do not even need to put on a wig to be instantly validated as women by just identifying as such. Others thinking that because I look like a man, they refuse to think of me as a woman. And that... pisses me off.

There have been a few trans women who in some utterly failed attempt at being supportive of me have said I'm like a nonbinary person who is half male and half female. That's not a lot better, but thanks for trying... I guess.

Part 4c Womanhood, dysphoria and misogyny:

I think that might be what gets to me about trans women. All of it. This entire list of things. That some of them are lesbophobic predators and have absurd claims of what being female is, that others mock womanhood, and yet others view themselves as somehow more female than I am. The genital factor and the slight creepiness of plastic surgery. Their view of womanhood as an identity and my view of it as a biological sex. I keep ending up in fights with trans women about these sorta things. I can't keep a lid on my frustrations no matter how hard I try to just see them as people with dysphoria and opinions that are different from mine. I cannot find any fucking solidarity between myself, as a dysphoric natal woman, and trans women. I feel like they're making mockery of my sex, my dysphoria and my struggles with misogyny, as well as making me feel like shit about something that I love about my body: my transition. I have no common grounds with them, and whenever they try to find solidarity in stuff like misogyny, I feel like they don't even know what the fuck they're talking about. I have a huge bone to pick with them, on multiple levels, and I don't even know where to start or where it ends.

Part 4d Womanhood, jealousy:

But a lot of it comes from jealousy. And I think it's mutual. I'm jealous of their ability to access female only spaces despite being male, which I cannot access despite being female. I'm jealous of their ability to be accepted as women. And on the other side, I think they're jealous of my reproductive ability, and my female socialisation, which I'm not like super hyped about myself, although I do love my pussy (she gives me great orgasms.) I'm jealous of their ability to claim womanhood without even trying to pass as female, because people are quicker to accept the woman-gender-identity than the woman-bio-sex. But likewise, ironically, I sense that they're jealous of that I can claim the "woman lane" despite looking convincingly male, because I'll always be biologically female, no matter how insible my sex is.

They cannot see me as a woman, because of my transition, without looking at themselves as men, no matter how far they transition. And I cannot see them as women, no matter how far they transition, without labeling myself as a man, because of my own transition. I think that about nails it.

Part 5 Conclusions:

I don't think it's true hatred, but rather insecurities both from myself and from them. Because we cannot both exist as women under the same ideology. One of us has to be considered a man, and neither of us is willing to fold on that. Ultimately... I am a threat to their womanhood, as much as they are a threat to my womanhood. And that tension is so thick... not even a knife could cut it. I guess the sad thing is though, that I think that tension is unnecessary. I am so unlike trans women that we could potentially bond based on how different we are. Because there is a lot of similarity in those differences, if you really think about it.

But no, I do not wish them harm in any way. Despite the vast array of insults I sometimes hurl their way. That is really just in response to them insulting me. I do not think they're doing anything wrong by transitioning, or even necessarily by identifying as women. I think, if they had just been more like "I can see you as a woman despite having transitioned, because deep down you like being female and having a pussy... kinda like I'm a woman because I wanna have a pussy, despite having been born male" I would have been much quicker to embrace them. Because that, I could get behind; but they can't.

So, there is no solidarity. It remains an endless fight. But I feel like it's not just on my part. I have tried. I do try. But they're not willing to meet me halfway, and that makes me go to attack in self-defense, which makes then go to attack in self-defense.

#my stick up my arse about trans women #its hurt not hate #rant #analytical drivel #gender critical #radfem safe #detransition

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astro-syd · 4 years

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Jungkook & Taehyung Synastry Reading - Astrology

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

*This is an analysis of their relationship based off of astrology. It is not meant to dig into their private lives or to prove any points about their relationship. It’s simply to show the themes, possibilities, and archetypes at play between them.

Jungkook’s South Node conjunct (exact) Taehyung’s Saturn in Pisces AND Jungkook’s Saturn conjunct Taehyung’s South Node in Aries

The south node in a natal chart represents your past lifetime and the skills and traits you’ve brought with you into this life. This placement definitely indicates a past life connection between them!!

The presence of Saturn here makes this relationship and soul connection a very serious one. They both can definitely feel the weight of their connection and how many lifetimes they’ve known each other before meeting again in this one (and likely, it’s been a lot- Saturn represents all things long-term, so I would say with as much certainty as I can that they’ve definitely had multiple lifetimes together before this one).

Saturn’s long-term influence makes their bond unbreakable. There’s a long term commitment and loyalty here.

However, Saturn can also create blockages and restrictions, so these sorts of relationships (typically between a romantic couple) will never get off the ground. Considering that Jungkook and Taehyung have been bandmates and basically family for so long, they’ve certainly worked past many of these blockages to become very close. That said, as deep as their connection is, it may not be any sort of romantic relationship- this could be where Saturn’s restriction comes into play, by taking their soulmate bond and keeping their relationship platonic for this lifetime (or simply bound within their work and career), despite them having the sort of bonds that you’d expect to be romantic, given how close they are, and how interwoven their life paths.

Considering also that one of these conjunctions is taking place in Pisces, the sign of transcendence, and you can get a feel for how deeply their souls are bonded and how much they’ve gone through together. Pisces is a sign that strives for oneness with all things, a separation from personal ego, and even self-sacrifice in order to serve others.

Not only do they have this one South Node/Saturn conjunction in Pisces, but they also have a SECOND one in Aries. They mirror the placement back to each other. This is very, VERY rare to see in a synastry chart and really just solidifies everything I’ve already mentioned. I can’t really describe the weight of these mirrored placements? I can say that it’s the first time I’ve ever seen something like this in a chart, and that it’s the sort of crazy fated soulmate situation that can’t really be put into words. It’s a very heavy and intense karmic placement that’s meant to bind them together in this lifetime.

Jungkook’s Saturn conjunct Taehyung’s Moon in Aries

Again, we’ve got more Saturn aspects, which indicate a long-lasting and rather heavy connection between the two.

Taehyung’s moon is in Aries, which can sometimes cause impulsive emotional reactions, or feelings like he can’t inwardly control his emotions. This may come as a surprise, as his Capricorn sun (and stellium) likes to give off a cold and serious image of always being in control. We get to see his goofy and playful side as well, of course, but he doesn’t initially give off the impression of any kind of emotional instability. I would expect it to be a lot more internalized, in his case.

That said, with how close all of the BTS members are, they’re likely to be dealing with each others’ moods near constantly, and this aspect between Jungkook and Taehyung could manifest several different ways. One being that Jungkook would give off a more cold and awkward vibe in dealing with Tae’s emotions, making Taehyung feel restricted in regards to expressing this side of himself to Jungkook. Jungkook wouldn’t know how to handle an emotional or unstable Tae, and it would feel like hitting a wall between them. Taehyung might have initially felt like Jungkook just didn’t care in the early stages of their relationship, simply because of his more emotionally distant nature. That said, Jungkook’s presence in his life could also bring the sort of stability that he needs to keep his emotions more grounded. Their bond could allow Taehyung to feel like he’s always got someone by his side, even when they’re apart, and provide him that little bit of extra emotional security and stability- just by knowing each other. Remember their acceptance speech at MAMA 2018, when everyone was crying? Jungkook pulls Taehyung into a hug, and I feel like you can see a little bit of this aspect play out in that moment. Taehyung, with all of his earth signs, usually acts as everyone else’s rock. But with lots of time together to work past their emotional blocks, I feel like Jungkook has become this for Taehyung when he needs it.

In addition, this placement will make them both feel a very deep sense of responsibility towards each other. This goes back to their soul connection- they both can feel how important it is for them to play out this karmic relationship in this lifetime, and feel the need to do right by each other, even if this is more of a subconscious feeling or belief. It could also represent their responsibility to each other as bandmates. I expect to see a lot of these sorts of Saturn aspects and themes of responsibility amongst them as I go through all of the members’ charts.

Jungkook’s Neptune conjunct Taehyung’s Mercury in Capricorn

This aspect really gives a dreamy and poetic quality to Taehyung and Jungkook’s conversations. Taehyung is greatly inspired by Jungkook, and their conversations provide Jungkook with a lot of inspiration as well.

Jungkook’s Mercury is in the 12th house in hard aspect to Pluto, which might give him a fear of communicating openly or being honest about his thoughts and feelings. He prefers to keep to himself and keep his thoughts more private, likely as a means of protecting himself, possibly even out of anxiety (12th Virgo Sun & Mercury square Pluto).

Taehyung’s Capricorn Mercury is likely to be a lot more straightforward, and though he’s not the MOST open in terms of communication, he would expect Jungkook to at least be honest with him and share his feelings and thoughts from time to time. I’m not saying that Jungkook lies or is totally closed off, not at all. But Taehyung may perceive him as being more dreamy and out-of-touch, or as if he doesn’t want to connect with Taehyung or put effort into their communication. Likely Taehyung has figured out that this is due to Jungkook’s shyness or anxieties, but he still may feel frustrated from time to time when Jungkook is afraid to open up to him. However, when he does, their conversations and joint ideas are going to provide so much inspiration to them both and really fuel a lot of their dreams and creativity.

Jungkook’s Ascendant conjunct Taehyung’s Midheaven in Libra

I haven’t found a whole lot of information in my research on this particular aspect, but I wanted to include it regardless.

The Ascendant (AC), Descendant (DC), Midheaven (MC), and Imum Coeli (IC) form the angles in a natal chart. They’re all connected on 2 axes, which form a sort of crosshair shape in the chart. So to have one of these 4 aspects in conjunction with one of the other person’s, all 4 of the axis points will be in alignment with each other.

In Tae and Kook’s case, the AC and MC are closest, in a 4 degree conjunction (which also puts their DC and IC in conjunction, because it’s an axis).

What I can say for sure about this aspect is that it shows the public aspect of their relationship. Both the Ascendant and the Midheaven indicate how you show up in the world, so anything that happens with their partnership is very likely to become public knowledge very quickly. We can see this simply based off of the fact that they’re incredibly famous and in a band together. It’s also likely that Taehyung, through his relationship with Jungkook, sort of pulls Jungkook further into the spotlight. This could simply be by building his confidence and encouraging him to speak more in interviews, perform more confidently, etc. In general, Taehyung simply helps him to show up more in the public eye.

Now, in my research, I’ve found that an EXACT conjunction between axis points (0 degrees) is often an indicator of marriage between a couple. Obviously Taekook do not have an exact conjunction, and they are not married. They very well might only be friends, and I don’t want anybody to jump to conclusions with this aspect (or anything I point out in this reading, as we’re only looking at possibilities here rather than definitions), but again, this a strong indicator of a soulmate bond. I feel like this aspect might contribute to the fact that they’re in a band together, living together, almost as if they were a married couple. Due to the fact that all the members are living together and function as a family sort of blurs the lines and traditional definitions of these aspects, but I wanted to include it as some food for thought.

Here’s some other points to take note of here:

Conjunctions to the AC often show an incredibly strong physical attraction, almost as if both partners’ bodies are in perfect alignment with each other. They could easily even take on the same habits, come down with similar ailments at the same time, have skin breakouts at the same time, etc.

Conjunctions to the MC show that they have a strong admiration and appreciation for each others’ goals- Jungkook very much looks up to Taehyung for his work ethic and dedication to his work and career, and Tae likely feels the same way- though with a little bit more of an “older sibling” protective and guiding feeling towards Jungkook.

Their DC and IC in conjunction makes them both feel like they have the ideal relationship to create a nurturing, familiar environment. They both see ideal nurturing qualities in each other for a cozy friendship and family environment, if that makes sense?? They’re likely to comfort each other in genuinely helpful ways, as if they intuitively knew what the other needed, and there’s no excess tension when they’re simply hanging out. Their personalities and temperaments just mash together easily to create a comfortable environment.

Part 2 Coming Soon!! Stay Tuned!

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razorblade180 · 4 years

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OC test:Speech!

[everyone shall be put in front of crowd and say something. Think of it like rallying troops, orientation, declaring war, whatever. The crowd is 500 strong.]

All the characters stand on a stage, overlooking the wave of people. Jacquelyn stands behind a podium with a microphone while everyone waits their turn.

Jacquelyn:Ummmm, sup? Not much for speeches so I’ll keep this brief. I don’t know what problems you all have, your background, or where you’re heading. What I do know is I’m down to listen to all of it. A traveler loves a good story, so make it your best.

The crowd of people seem a bit caught off gaurd, yet enlightened. They lightly clap and nod as she bows before letting Sienna take the spotlight.

Jacquelyn:Good luck!

Sienna:(How the hell do I follow that up!?)

Sienna:*clears throat* Yo, my name is Sienna Frost. The lovely lady before me was my mother if anyone was wondering. I might have two sets of ears but I assure you, story time isn’t my favorite thing. You wanna show me who you are, then do it instead. As far as mine goes, don’t worry where I’ve been. Just watch where I’m headed. I just might surprise you.

She held up a peace sign and made her exit, leaving the crowd with nothing to say. It would’ve felt like going against her words. Jael came up next. She opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out. The girl chose to back away then began to float up to draw everyone’s direction.

Jael:Remember, on the ground or in the air, look up to me.

That’s all she said before leaving. All the characters were absolutely stunned. Even Carmine. She was sure she’d be the only one to say something wild. Yujin awkwardly walked up next. People immediately started to smile and seem pleasantly surprised.

Yujin:By the looks of some of you, I take it you see my mother’s face in me? That’s fine, it’ll make this easier. Yujin Xiao Long, the girl that’ll be in future text books. Until then, watch me do my thang!

She gave the crowd a prideful smile and a fist bump into the air to hype them up. The crowd did it back and cheered. Tenzen used that energy and added it to his own charisma, choosing to stand on the podium.

Tenzen:Yeah! That’s what I’m talking about. Those with heart of fire and wild dreams, stick around! We’ll have the time of our lives! Never stop doing what you want!

The crowd got even more hyped as him and Yujin high fived before running off stage into the crowd itself. Everybody was given a high five and watched both leave as they laughed. Nick was next to go up. To get their attention, Nick made a glyph in the sky that made it snow. A quick change in the crowds attitude was immediately noticed as they stared at the dignified young man show his usual charming smile and kind eyes that made the women blush and most of the men jealous.

Nick:Good evening, I’m glad to see everyone so lively. As heir to a company you would think I’d be good a speeches. To be honest, I’m panicking inside right now. I made it snow, who just does that!?

The question got the crowd to laugh a little. Jealous faces unknowingly got a little softer.

Nick:Anyways, I just wanna tell everyone here that no matter the situation, lean on me. If not, then those you care about and have better spending habits. Hehe, I think I’ve said enough. Thanks and I hope you all have a good time listening to everyone else.

Crowd:(He’s so polite...)

Snowflakes crew:(There he goes, charming the masses like usual.)

Summer walked up next. Much like her twin brother, a glyph formed in her hand that quickly mixed with fire dust in her clothing. The warm of brace of embers flew out of it like a flicker camp fire that was drawn toward the snow. The gentle blend of fire and iced danced in air around the crowd, leaving them amazed. Summer was no stranger to a crowd or a stage. This might be her easiest test yet. The girl sung a simple word that enchanted everyone like a siren spell. “Mirror~”

Summer:I hope you all enjoyed that little tease. I typically like to warm my voice before addressing an audience so I though of that on the fly. Anyways-

The crowd interrupted her with applause. She hadn’t even spoken what was on her mind and they were hooked! Summer chose to accept it and made her way off the stage. It was even easier than she thought. She turned to Veronica and stuck her tongue out. The faunus responsed by flipping her off and walking away.

Eliza:You’re not making a speech?

Veronica:No, I hate people and do this sort of thing too much. I’m goons go draw or some shit. (Summer can’t say she had a better speech if I never do one.)

Valerie:Wait, this is optional? Guess I’ll leave too.

Eliza:At least day a sentence you two!

Both girls rolled their eyes and walked up together.

Veronica:Sometimes being the change you want and the change the world needs are two different things entirely; acknowledge way and take the step forward, not backwards.

Valerie:A jack of all trades is an ace to no one. Not that it’s a bad thing. Just find the other playing card.

The girls waved to the crowd and went off. Valerie started thinking, which card was she? Nick clapped for the two of them like he always does. Eliza took the opportunity to step forward. A snap of her fingers negated all the semblances still at play. Eliza took a running start to hop off the stage and land with a mighty thump that started a wave of sprouting flowers. This was beginning to be more of a talent show then a public speaking test. What was once winter had turned into spring!

Eliza:Sorry, but I think being eye level and warm with you all is far more appealing. I doubt many of you have heard of the a Marigolds but that’s fine. All you have to know is I’m the one who will elevate their status. Playing nice with others isn’t my strongest quality but fairness is. If by any miracle fate comes to join us together for a purpose, I promise I’ll stand by to the very end and pull out all the stops. I simply ask to put in all the effort you can as well.

A gust of wind came by and swept petals into the air as Eliza did a curtsy. As far as theatrics go, it was show, but more than that. It was the truth. A fair and honest truth. Like a gentle breeze on a spring day. Sparrow stood up to go next.

Sparrow:I....do not care about outcomes.

Crowd:.....What?

OCs:Yeah, what?

Sparrow:Good, bad, surprising, or boring; those concepts don’t apply whenever I’m sailing across the seas with passengers and crew mates. Everything that happens is apart of epic journey. Now I’m not gonna stand here and act like I’m anything special, because I’m not. All the same I am a captain and a damn good one at that. For those who passing through life with ambition in their hearts and freedom through their veins, sail with me. You might just be surprised. Thank you for your time.

The ex-military man put on his captain’s hat and walked away, never looking back at the crowds faces. All he heard were the footsteps of those who dared to follow him. The allure of his words reached some of the young men and women. 500 became 450. Kovu felt nervous, but a bit more confident as he went up to go next. All the women, children, sons and daughters, he looked at them in a different light because of Sparrow.

Kovu:Before Sparrow went up here I had the idea of talking about my family and how they motivate me to do my best. While that is true, now I can’t help but sing a different tune. This isn’t my first time with a microphone in front of my face and it probably won’t be the last. It’s what happens when you’re a Belladonna and your other mom is a top rate huntress. Still, it doesn’t feel real that I should get a microphone and a podium because of that; I’m just a regular guy. Being down there feels more comfortable to me than being up here ever will. Average strength, intelligence, normal qualities, but I guess that last one is debatable.

Carmine:Yeah, you dork!

The crowd and Kovu chuckled at the call out. Carmine didn’t know people too well, but she knew Kovu well enough to know when he’s being hard on himself. She spoke up more for his benefit than anybody else.

Kovu:The point is I’m stunned that despite me just being some normal person, I’m very thankful for the fact that you all stand before me to listen. That’s what motivates me most. Thanks, I’ll keep doing my best.

The crowd happily applauded for him. No fancy tricks or even something to leave the biggest impression. Just a boy who made a speech. On a stage full of giants in their own right, having Kovu being so relatable was a breath of fresh air in its own way. Carmine gave him a thumbs up and finally stepped forward. She ignored the podium entirely, choosing to project her voice to all who looked. The commanding yet calm presence she gave off was already at play.

Carmine: Once upon a time my mother Ruby Rose saved the world. She did it with strength, intelligence, and kindness above all. Her dream to protect others fueled her keep striving towards a happy ending. That same compassion wasn’t paid forward unfortunately and my mother suffered a loss some time later that nearly broke her. My mother wasn’t a very religious person until that incident from what people tell me, but it helped give her peace of my. Everyday she prayed to her god for the strength to press and breathe new life into her symbolically. Until one day it became literal. She asked her god for strength and he gave her me. I’m hopes and dreams given flesh. Not just hers, but I’m yours too. *points to the crowd* To all of you good people wanting peace and needing a defender of your normal life, pick whatever god you worship and thank him for me. To those who decide to rot the world they live in with hate and malice, choose a god and make your peace when you meet me. My name is Carmine Arc Rose, the greatest huntress, no, the greatest huntsman in general to ever walk Remnant. I’ll move forward first to keep you all safe. See you at the finish line, eventually.

Her body faded away into rose petals that were carried into the wind. She was never there to begin with. Carmine had more important things to do. The crowd once again fell silent as the petals kept scattering. All the other testers were at a loss for words themselves, except Kovu.

Kovu:Oh boy, as blunt as ever. To think she’d declare her standing among them like that? She might’ve just told them out right how far away they are compared to her.

Yujin:That was badass!

Sienna:More like cocky. She said she’s the greatest huntsman ever. What does that make her mom?

Kovu:The greatest hero. There’s a difference between the two in Carmine’s eyes. Try not to bring it up though. It’s a can of worms she won’t answer. Ruby is no doubt a Great huntsman but....Carmine has feelings about that title.

A petal gently fell into his hand before taking flight again. Aero still silently resting in the question tree with Carmine sleeping under it. Her little brother fast asleep in her lap. An exceptional huntsman yes, but an even better big sister.

#rwby #oc test #rwbabies #jacquelyn frost #sienna frost #jael frost #yujin xiao long #lie tenzen #nicholas schnee #eliza marigold #val valkyrie #veronica belladonna #summer schnee #sparrow branwen #carmine arc rose #kovu belladonna

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warpwalker · 3 years

Text

Vox-Logs: Entry One

Conversation with a Lamenter - Doing Your “Best”

12.21.2020

“The Lamenters are an unfortunate Loyalist Chapter of Space Marines which, perhaps more than any other Chapter of the present era, seems to have been cursed by a dark shadow that has long determined its fate.

The Lamenters' accursed and haunted legacy seems to have tainted much of what they have achieved and their victories often become bitter ashes in their hands.

[They] are a Successor Chapter of the Blood Angels created during the 21st "Cursed" Founding, and seem to have eliminated the gene-seed flaws known as the Black Rage and the Red Thirst through unknown means, but this secret cure may have been lost along with the Chapter.

[They] have had a tumultuous -- often fraught -- history. They have twice been brought to the very brink of destruction, first during the Badab War and later in battle with the overwhelming horror of the Tyranids.

Each time they have endured, despite inherent instabilities in their Chapter gene-seed, and their Chapter Master claims that with every travail they have overcome, the Lamenters have only grown stronger.”

-Introduction to the Lamenters, Warhammer 40k Wiki

I first saw Michael as a single figure, back when I first encountered a small company, most likely a lone warband, of Lamenters as I first began in exploring the practice. When I had first heard their story, I fittingly, well, lamented, as I imagine is the natural response to their cause and general aura. Michael, specifically, stood out among his brothers - whether because he bore the bleeding heart of his kin on his chest (where others held their gene-father’s bloody tear), his crying helmet, or simply the air he carried about him, I couldn’t say, only that I knew within he would somehow be back.

He was indeed, just recently as of writing this. It was an urgent and fleeting affair, and the thought of him pestered me for a time until I relented to tune in to exactly what was needed of me. Though I’ll spare his details for privacy, it was certainly dire, though unfortunately none could expect much better when being contacted by the “cursed” sons of the 21st. I’m no healer, much less an apothecary of his world, but I did what I could, returning him to what remnant of his brethren remained nearby to relinquish him to their care. I had done what I could, and he was grateful enough to grant me his name. Michael Aurelius - Michael, he was fine with. So Michael it was.

“For those we cherish, we die in Glory!”

-Warcry of the Lamenters Blood Angels Successor Chapter

I revisited Michael the next night, as best I could, to provide company. He had been heavily wounded in the situation I had found him in and subsequently pulled him from, so I only thought it apt to try to see him again as soon as possible. Though bedbound, he was relatively cheerful, something I often wish I could manage myself. Michael looks much like his gene-sire. Though cropped short and scruffy, his hair is flaxen blonde and practically glows. You can see the pain of his service in his face, but not in his scars (none amount to more than knicks that got a bit too deep, or a scratch that he no doubt bothered past its due) - no, it lies in his eyes, and I doubt little that the same couldn’t be said of his brothers. You can tell they might have been a sky-shade blue, once bright and beautiful, but now, they look at you in a sallow, anxious gray. It breaks my heart.

We began to speak. He firstly apologized - I quickly denounced it as not necessary, but he insisted, and when I heard him apologize again, I was speechless a moment when he did. He was apologizing for not doing well enough. As if somehow these injuries he now bore were a failure when, without disclosing detail, his predicament saw odds stacked impossibly against him. I felt rude doing it, but I just gawked at him. ‘You did your best,’ I had assured him, staying close to provide comfort. He only shook his head. He could have done better.

I looked him over again. This man, this Astartes, a Space Marine, was lying with bloody bandages and a crick in his side telling me that, in an overwhelming force of opposition he had no hopes of beating, he should have done better. He knows he’s destined to die, as all things are, but his belief is that his death will be swift and unnecessary, a sacrifice of war that perhaps, by even a sliver, what he values may be granted more time to save itself, to grow beyond, especially so at the hands of a Chapter forever branded with the notion of redeeming itself for crimes uncommitted. I can’t blame him - it’s what they’re taught. It’s all they know. But Michael is a Lamenter though and through, and I knew there was something he needed to hear that he would have never heard in his life otherwise - provided he had lived to hear it at all. “Your best was enough. It was your best.”

He looked at me, squinting for a moment, in a quiet stupor, and I continued on.

The Lamenters strike a chord with me because of their past, and the very notion Michael has his particular view towards - one’s “best”. From their involvement in the Badab War and subsequent guilt-bound control from the Astral Claws to the horrors they faced, alone, against the forefront of the Tyranid hivefleets, the Lamenters have seen themselves placed at a higher standard of “best” than even their fellow Astartes from the moment of their conception and creation from the origins of the Blood Angels Legion. A “best” that, in Michael at least, I can see has made their genuine, natural, true best a strange standard of normal. This wouldn’t be an issue if it didn’t mean they now strive for a new impossible goal, a literal “better than their best”, which in itself sounds rather ridiculous, does it not?

As I explained this to Michael, I reflected on my own experiences. I’ve always been a perfectionist, but it’s never been my doing. I’ve been through a lot, and that lot included a lot of ridicule and comparison from almost every source in my formative years. It’s left a lot of damage on me, shackles I don’t know when I’ll ever shake off, if at all. I’ve always been seen as, and eventually came to judge myself as, the “cursed” one of the group, the unfortunate and unlucky weak link, even where it may not have been true. The simple fact that I had been conditioned to see myself that way made it an automatic air about me, and still does. I am my own cursed chapter, forced to forever see myself distorted in the mirror, to try to force myself into a “better than my best”.

But what is our best really? It’s near-impossible to try to define “best” for any given person other than yourself, and that brings me to the forefront of this entire ramble. Not a single person shares the same definition for a personal best, nor do they even hold the same definition per day - at least, they shouldn’t. Yet through social norms, self-conceived personal notions, and ingrained biases, we see the best as an unbeatable perfect, and then some. This is extremely unhealthy, and not only should we let down our arms against ourselves, but others as well. Judgment breeds this mindset, and your standards are your own alone, nothing more. They should never hold power over anyone else, would they risk creating many more “unfortunates” who see no hope in dragging themselves out of the fray of their own self-perception.

Do not lament to some false-conceived image of you, that shakes off the impossible to shake off and sacrifices yourself needlessly for unrealistic goals. Do not heed the pointing fingers and hushed whispers of failure, and even moreso, do not point your finger to anyone else. Find a time to look at yourself in the mirror and say, “I’m doing my best.”

Maybe your best is finishing a single page of a ten-page paper for that day. Maybe your best is making that one phone call. Maybe your best is remembering to brush your teeth that morning. Maybe your best is surviving and living to have a discussion with a Warp-wandering oddling who comes from a time long before you.

For those you cherish, die in Glory, not in vain, and live for yourself most of all. Let what you cherish most, be yourself. By accepting your best, no matter what it truly is, you prevail - and for that, become stronger in yourself.

Wishing Michael a wonderful recovery.

#vox logs #pop culture paganism #michael aurelius #lamenters

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lupizora · 3 years

Text

Show Me How Life Could Be

This is my extremely late gift for Jenny (@/froochette) for the @knbsecretsanta . I haven't written for this pairing or concept before and wanted to challenge myself with it. Well, the joke's on me that (once) again the fic went out of hand. This feels more platonic than romantic to me, but I'll let you guys be the judge.

Hope you like it anyway! ♥

P.S. Of course, I'd make it about basketball in one way or another, what are you talking about?

Genre: Humour

Pairing: (platonic) MidoMura

Rating: G

Word Count: 4,191

Summary: Midorima only wanted to do his job properly. Not get into a fight with their most loyal customer and have his life decisions questioned by everyone. Even if maybe, deep down, he was regretting some of them.

Humans show their true colors when faced with someone weaker than themselves.

Midorima Shintarou hadn’t considered himself weak in any regard. On the contrary, he had lived most of his life in moderate privilege: well-off parents, good grades, and boundless athletic ability. This didn’t stop him from always striving with his own two hands for the best humanly possible outcome though. Thus, above all, he fancied himself as a humble person. Acquaintances--friends, depending on who one asked--would often disagree with that statement. But Midorima wanted to believe he had never been as condescending as some of his customers.

The coffee shop he worked part-time was a small cozy place. Located next to the university’s library and lacking any big brand name attached to its identity, it exclusively attracted students who wanted a break from studying or to spend some time between classes. The relaxed pace and the versatile schedule were the biggest reasons Midorima had applied for the position--even if the pay wasn’t anything stellar. As an undergraduate medical student, he didn’t have a lot of free time but he couldn’t impose on his parents forever either. They were already paying for his tuition and half of his rent. It was only fair of him to handle the rest and his day-to-day expenses to the best of his abilities.

For the most part, work was uneventful. Except for the moments when Midorima had to wonder if it was indeed worth the trouble. From demanding customers to people skipping the line and making a fuss over nothing to his personal worst nightmare: customers that seemed to have lost their ability to read written instructions and signs. The redundancy of having to explain simple things annoyed him to no end, as well as the fact they were distracting him from his duties for these trivial issues. Instead of wallowing in despair, Midorima had settled for the next best thing: seething in rage silently. With no other outlet to alleviate this frustration, he’d often picture himself offering retribution to such customers. For example, jumping over the counter to land a solid dropkick to their chest, or throwing the tips jar to their head as they were about to leave. He could make that shot easily from behind the counter and none would be the wiser. The perks of being a former shooting guard known for his ridiculous three-pointers--distance was irrelevant.

Not all customers were irredeemable fools though. Some regulars could be considered at least tolerable, like one Murasakibara Atsushi. The only reason Midorima knew the guy’s name was because of Takao’s snooping. His old teammate/friend kept tabs for all the regulars, more so if they had been involved with high school basketball. Apparently, Murasakibara had been a formidable center in some powerhouse team. It baffled Midorima how such a player had escaped his attention during the championships he had participated in. It shouldn’t have been hard to recognize someone who loomed over the general public like some giant out of an old wive’s tale.

No one seemed to know what Murasakibara was majoring in, but it allowed him to visit the coffee shop every other day. After trying the entire dessert menu in the span of two weeks, he settled on a particular combo. It didn’t matter when he decided to appear, he’d always order the same thing. It saved Midorima a lot of time for which he was somewhat grateful; even if this person’s consumption of sugar worried him as a future medical professional, and cleaning the table after him could become quite a hassle.

Midorima valued rules and order. As painfully hard as it might be to accept, not everyone felt the same way. He was just a glorified waiter in a low-end establishment. He’d do his job, regardless if it was aggravating or not. Keeping his temper in check when faced with personal offenses included, but sometimes there was a limit for even the most patient individuals.

The first term’s midterms had just ended the previous day. Most students seized the opportunity to catch up with their friends over a cup of coffee and some sweets on the side. Suffice to say, the shop was relatively crowded for a regular Wednesday.

Midorima was on cash register duty. Passing all his classes should had left him in a good mood. His horoscope was a bit cloudy that morning though, placing Cancer in 5th place. Nothing too worrisome but he didn’t want to test his luck with handling beverages. So he pushed the responsibility to Takao--who, accustomed to his quirks, only mildly complained--and settled for taking the customer’s orders. Most of the shift went without any incident, but one thing was certain.

Oha Asa was never wrong about his fate.

Midorima didn’t notice the bell chime of the front door above the ruckus of voices. Neither the footsteps approaching heavily. It wasn’t until the lights overhead were partly obscured that he realized Murasakibara had arrived.

With a glance to ascertain the customer’s identity, Midorima began inputting his order. “Would it be the usual?” he asked.

“Actually,” Murasakibara said. “Muro-chin is going to order this time.”

Midorima’s fingers froze and looked once again, properly this time.

There was another student next to his regular customer. He was slightly shorter than Midorima; dark-haired with several locks of hair falling over his left eye. While he appeared like a polite individual, there was too much-concealed amusement in that eye for Midorima’s liking.

“My name is Himuro Tatsuya,” he said with a wave. “I’m sorry if I’m breaking your routine or something. Atsushi wasn’t really planning on coming today--”

“Because today is no good,” Murasakibara muttered under his breath.

“--I kinda dragged him along because I didn’t know where is this. You see, I’ve heard so many good things about this place, I had to see it for myself.”

Takao was wheezing in the back, the coffee machine’s whirling barely overshadowing his laughter.

Midorima ignored him. “What would you like to order then, sir?”

“Nothing extravagant. Just black coffee,” Himuro said. “I am curious about the desserts you have though. They look delicious, but it's hard to choose. Is there something you’d suggest I try?”

On most days, Midorima would stare blankly at such questions until someone came to rescue him from the embarrassment. Instead, this time, he had the fortune of having a dessert in mind. If only because he waited every week to keep a piece of it for himself.

“Today’s specialty is the red bean cheesecake,” he said. “It may sound peculiar but I assure you--”

“It’s stale,” Murasakibara interrupted him. He was examining the display, bored. “Let’s just leave. I told you there is nothing good today.”

“As I was saying.” Midorima adjusted his glasses, annoyance bubbling in his chest. “It tastes perfectly fine. It’s not too sweet so I’d recommend it if you are looking for something to enjoy along with your coffee.”

“This is worse than those in the convenience store,” he cut him off yet again.

“I assure you, sir, that all our desserts are freshly baked.”

“C’mon, Muro-chin. I can make something a lot better and you know it.”

“Why don’t you make it then?”

"Huh?" Slamming his hand on the counter, Murasakibara leaned over the register to level his gaze with Midorima. “Is that a challenge?”

Two things happened simultaneously: Midorima realized he had said that aloud and someone tried to separate them.

"I'm sure he didn't mean it," Takao said with a nervous chuckle.

His intervention only deepened Murasakibara’s glare.

Midorima remained unfazed in front of this attitude. He wasn’t one to get intimidated, even in the rare occurrence the other person was a head taller than him.

“I said what I said.” Keeping his tone even, he returned the glare with equal force. “Now, if you aren’t planning on ordering anything, I’d advise you to step aside. Other customers are waiting.”

On his side, Takao facepalmed with a groan, and he could certainly swear Himuro stifled a snicker.

They remained locked in their stare-off until Murasakibara pulled back. Turning on his heels, he stormed out without another word.

Himuro apologized for the trouble and followed him, leaving the rest of the customers to glance between them in awkward silence.

“Now what?” Takao asked.

For once, Midorima didn’t have the slightest idea.

Several days passed and Murasakibara was still absent.

Midorima went about his shifts, as usual, trying to ignore both Takao's whining and his internal monologue about the whole affair. Their manager had been furious. But no one was more disappointed than Midorima for losing his temper over something this mundane. Personal feelings aside, he should have kept his professionalism as he had always done.

Of course, he wasn’t planning on apologizing if they met each other again. While it had been inappropriate to get into a fight with a customer, Murasakibara had started it with his rude unprompted commentary. The shop had other regulars so one's disappearance wouldn’t have any impact on their earnings. It was going to be alright.

“Pretty boy alert at ten o’clock,” one of the girls announced. All three of them had gathered behind the desserts and snacks display, giggling among themselves.

Midorima seldom participated in such idle gossip. It seemed pointless and distracting. Maybe if his colleagues found something else to pass the time, they wouldn’t need to stay overtime that often.

Unlike him though, Takao seemed to enjoy the social aspect of it. So after taking a peek, he slid into Midorima’s personal space with a conspiratory air about him. “Shin-chan, you might wanna take this,” he whispered, pointing at the spot of interest.

It was one of the tables next to the shop’s glass facade. Himuro Tatsuya was sitting all alone there.

“Why don’t you go?” Midorima asked, shelving the washed cups from the sink.

“Don’t be silly,” Takao said with a laugh. “We, average guys, have our pride you know.”

That was the most absurd thing Midorima had heard in a while. Takao was by no means average-looking, considering the amount of attention he got from both men and women. But he kept this thought to himself.

“Ask someone else.”

“Don’t be like that. If you won’t do it for me, do it for Minami and the others.” He grabbed him by the shoulders. “Fighting over a guy is an ugly thing. They might break apart! Think of their friendship! Their friendship, Shin-chan!”

There was zero proof of something like that happening. Even for a reserved person like Midorima, it was plain as day those girls were joined at the hip. But whenever Takao resorted to dramatics, he could only oblige to make him stop bothering him.

He sighed. “Alright.”

Taking his notepad along, he approached the table in question. Hushed whispers followed him, making wonder with half a mind if this was some kind of ploy. His horoscope hadn’t heeded any important warnings for that day. He had been prepared with the appropriate lucky item regardless.

Himuro noticed him only when he reached him. “Hello again.”

“Hello,” Midorima replied politely, still a bit uncertain from his joyful greeting. “What can I bring you?”

“There must be a misunderstanding?” He pointed at the cup on his table “I’ve already ordered. Your colleague there brought it to me.”

From behind the counter, everyone gave Midorima a thumbs up. It dawned on him then and there. This had been a set up from the start. Forcing him to interact with Murasakibara’s friend in hopes of learning about his whereabouts.

He resisted the urge to snap his pencil in half. Even his good looks wouldn’t save Takao from his wrath when he returned to the register.

“It’s alright. I can order once more,” Himuro said, appeasingly. “I didn’t have the chance to try your famed sweets last time after all.”

Swallowing his anger, Midorima returned to his work mode. “Is there something, in particular, you’d like?”

“Some of your macarons perhaps.”

“Excellent choice. We’ve got a new batch just today. These are made from this university’s Culinary Arts Department.”

“I know. One of Atsushi’s upperclassmen is responsible for them.”

Midorima looked at him as if he had grown another head. “Pastry chef is his major?”

“I’m surprised you hadn’t figured it out already, given how often he visits this place.” Himuro’s visible eye twinkled with hidden amusement. “He eats too many sweets and snacks for his wallet to handle. This hasn’t changed since our high school days, to be honest. The only difference is that now he started making his own, so we don’t have something to bribe him with anymore,” he said with a sigh. “It’s an uphill battle to bring him to practice lately.”

“Both of you are still playing, I presume?”

“Yes, with the varsity team.” Resting his chin against his knuckles, Himuro assessed him. ”I see you’re very informed, Mr. Midorima Shintarou of Impossible Threes.”

��I’m simply acquainted with an extremely nosy person,” Midorima said. It didn’t take long for Takao to learn about the rest of Murasakibara’s teammates after meeting Himuro. “Where you aware of me from the beginning?”

“I had my suspicions since you’re quite the urban legend around here. FYI, your taped fingers gave you away,” he said with a wry smile. “As someone playing in the same position, I was surprised to learn that such a high-profile player as yourself wasn’t playing anymore.”

“Such is life. Different priorities call for different measures.”

“That is true, I suppose. Do you miss it?”

The sun reflecting on his glasses erased the current view from Midorima’s eyes. He was on the court. Everything was silent; no shoes squelching against the wooden boards; no desperate cries for victory. He was holding the rough leather ball, preparing to shoot. The motion effortless and practiced to the finest tuning possible. He always exhaled when the ball left his hands as if spelling a prayer. It went in with barely a sway of the net. It always did.

“My time is limited for the effort the sport requires,” he said.

“That’s too bad.” Himuro returned to his coffee. “I wonder if Atsushi would be more motivated if he had someone of your caliber to compete against.”

"It must be nice being so simple-minded."

"Simple-minded, huh?" He looked wistfully outside. "That's not a word I'd use to describe him."

Midorima stopped scribbling in his notepad. "Meaning?"

"Sure, to an outsider, Atsushi might appear as such. He seems to go with the flow of his surroundings because that's the easiest thing to do. It might be partly true. It's rare to see him get truly passionate about something that doesn't involve his specific interests." He stirred his coffee. "But you managed to light that fire in him, even if for a single moment. That must amount to something, don’t you think?"

This is preposterous, Midorima thought.

Not everyone had the freedom to just do whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted. Usually, another obligation or circumstance would force someone to go against their wishes and that's how their society worked. One couldn't bend the rules as they pleased. No one had such total control over their life. Midorima definitely didn't and it made him no different than the next person. That's another fact he had accepted without a second thought. There was no way a boring person like him could influence someone's life to any degree, more so a person he had barely held an entire conversation with.

Shaking his head, he focused on the task at hand. "Will that be all?"

"Yes." Himuro smiled. “That’d be all.

The Friday afternoon shift was the quietest of the week. Students preferred to visit the nearest bar or karaoke box rather than the café. It was only natural. No one wanted to follow the same routine, more so during the start of summer vacation. Midorima simply enjoyed the opportunity to avoid interacting with any customers for once.

A storm had been brewing over the horizon for most of that day. So, after a while, Midorima told Minami to return home; criminally unprepared that girl, she never carried an umbrella. Her assistance wouldn’t have been necessary anyway. The shop was empty, allowing him to do some deep cleaning of the place with everyone gone. Halfway through polishing the tables, the rain started to fall outside; a gentle pitter-pattering on the glass ceiling at first, before the heavens opened up and unleashed their fury to the ground. This downpour accompanied Midorima for the rest of his tasks--a white noise lulling him into some peaceful trance. Nothing else mattered; not his gossip-loving coworkers nagging him; not that Murasakibara hadn’t appeared for over a week.

He had finished mopping near the entrance when the double doors rattled. The sun wasn’t bound to set for a couple more hours. Yet, the scenery outside was as dark as if night had fallen. Midorima couldn’t figure out who was out there, knocking at the door with such urgency. Leaving the cleaning supplies aside, he unlocked the door.

Humidity hanged in the air, pressing against his face like a wet blanket. “Is there something I can help--”

Midorima noticed the jacket, draped over a light-colored package the person was holding in their hands. Allowing his gaze to travel upwards, he took in their bulky torso which was clad in a drenched t-shirt. Locks of hair were glued on their cheeks and forehead like jungle vines.

Despite all that, Murasakibara appeared only mildly annoyed and maybe a bit out of breath. “Took you long enough,” he drawled.

“What are you doing?” Midorima asked.

“I came as soon as it was ready.”

Annoyance spread hot in his chest. “In case you haven’t noticed, it’s raining right now!”

“That’s why I covered it with my jacket.” He had the nerve to sigh. “For someone wearing glasses, you sure are blind.”

“Excuse me?” Still processing what just happened, Midorima had lost his usual eloquence. “You...it’s been days...and the first thing that comes out of your mouth--”

“Do we have to talk about it here? It’s gonna melt if it stays outside any longer.”

You should have thought of it earlier! He cried in his mind, allowing the other inside in the process.

His sandals squelched against the tiles as Murasakibara beelined for the counter, paying no attention to the watery footprints he was living behind.

Conjuring all his remaining patience, Midorima took the dripping jacket from his hands. “I’ll get you a towel,” he said and disappeared into the backroom.

When he re-emerged, the other had made himself comfortable on a stool. Miffed by his nonchalant attitude, Midorima threw the towel on Murasakibara’s head and took a seat as well. The package was left on the counter between them. Similar to the ones their sweets tended to arrive in, the unassuming beige carton box was definitely from the Culinary Arts department.

Murasakibara peeked from under the towel. “Are you mad?”

“No.”

“You look mad.”

“I simply want to know what your issue is, coming here in such a manner.” He pointed at the box. “What is this thing too.”

“Open it.” Shrugging, he proceeded to dry his hair. “It’s for you, anyway.”

Midorima quirked an eyebrow, more baffled by this development. Since he didn’t receive any further clarification, he warily opened the box. It was a cheesecake; specifically, a red bean cheesecake like the one their dispute had been about. Perhaps it was the sentiment getting to him, but he was oddly touched.

“You made this?” He asked softly.

Murasakibara hummed in agreement.

“I can't possibly eat the whole thing alone.”

"You can share it or sell it. I don't really care as long as you have the first bite."

"We aren't allowed to put unregistered or unordered sweets for sale,” Midorima said absentmindedly. “Since you went through the trouble anyway, I suppose it’s only fair I give it a chance. I can leave the rest for the others to try. Do you want a piece too?" Seeing him hesitating, he stood up and put the machines to work. “I’ll make you something warm to drink. Summer colds are horrible to catch, especially this time of the year.”

“Yeah, sure.”

It didn’t take long for the hot chocolate to get ready. Meanwhile, Midorima found something else for Murasakibara to change into and leave his shirt to dry. As a future doctor, it’d be criminal to let someone get sick in his presence. He also dealt with the dessert, cutting two slices for them and putting the rest of it aside in the freezer. All the while, Murasakibara followed him with his gaze as he moved about like a busy bee. Midorima would prefer to renounce his lucky item of the day than admit he had missed the comfortable silence between them. In a world where everyone seemed eager to involve him in things, this moment was an oasis of tranquility.

“Alright,” he said placing the cup in front of Murasakibara.

“You won’t drink anything?”

Midorima returned to his seat. “I’m not one for sweets.”

“I thought you might have one of your canned red bean soups along with this.” He blew at his cup with an indifferent expression. But his eyes seemed to search for a reaction. “Why red and not green beans, by the way? Considering your hair.”

“I don’t mix those two.” Cutting his fork into the slice, he brought a decent-sized portion to his lips. “It’s unsightly.”

Whatever he might have wanted to add, drifted from his mind after taking that bite. It was leagues better than anything Midorima had eaten so far. Compared to this, his regular Wednesday slice might as well be from the lowest shelf of the bottom-ranked convenience store’s fridge.

“You liked it,” Murasakibara said.

It wasn’t a question, and for once Midorima didn’t feel like arguing.

“I accept my defeat,” he said with grave seriousness. “Why did you have to go through such lengths, though?”

“To prove you wrong.”

On second thought, pettiness was an acceptable reason. “I work here. There was no need to get personal.”

“Yeah, but you did.” Draping the towel around his neck, he tied his hair into a low ponytail again. “It was the first time Mido-chin reacted so strongly about anything.”

“I don’t believe we’ve been properly introduced to make nicknames for me.”

“I read your tag,” he said as if it was obvious.

“You’d be surprised how many people can’t do so. But that’s beside the point,” he said with a wave. “Emotions aren’t needed to do my job. In fact, this whole situation brought me a lot of trouble.”

“But you don’t look so dead inside anymore.”

Taken aback, Midorima was speechless.

“It’s true,” Murasakibara continued. “I know you don’t have to talk a lot and I didn’t mind. It made things easier for me too. I didn’t have to think about what to say back like with the others. But with nothing else to do, I watched you from my table. The only time I ever saw you enjoying yourself were in your breaks, sipping canned red bean soup in the corner, or whenever the others tried to pull you into their shenanigans.”

“I certainly don’t appreciate them making a fool of themselves in front of the customers.”

“You’re lying.” He leaned closer. “And when it’s not those moments, you’re like a beast. Pacing in the cage you made for yourself. Like you’re waiting for something. Why are you still tapping your finger if aren’t playing basket anymore?”

Clenching his fist, Midorima didn’t back down. “Let’s say you are right, and that’s purely hypothetical. What’s in for you?”

“Passionate but talentless players annoy me. But talented players choosing to give up annoys me even more.” Murasakibara sat down, his expression turning solemn. “They remind me of something I’d rather forget.”

This statement echoed personal and all too familiar. Midorima wasn’t someone that poked into other people’s business, not actively at least. Still, he could understand the sentiment. Sometimes, in the dead of night, he’d ponder over his current course in life and get mad at himself; for not pushing through harder; for leaving something he loved aside without much thought. Maybe this was finally the chance he’d been waiting to come.

“Say,” he said; his throat dry and his words timid, “if I challenged you into a match, would you accept?”

“You’re deaf as much as you’re blind.” The jab had not actual heat behind it though. “Yes, without a doubt.”

“With that settled, I hope you won’t hold back. Otherwise, I’ll obliterate you.” His ever-bored eyes widening, just a smudge, got Midorima a bit self-conscious. “Is something the matter?” he added.

“You surprised me,” Murasakibara said, rubbing his neck. “That’s the first time I’ve seen you smile, I think.”

“I simply enjoy a decent challenge.” He took another bite off his slice of the cheesecake. “Don't you?”

The other considered it for a moment. "Only when I know I'll win."

It roused another round of pointless bickering. But, truth be told, Midorima hadn’t felt more alive in while.

#knb #knbsecretsanta2020 #midorima shintarou #murasakibara atsushi #takao kazunari #himuro tatsuya #knb fanfiction #knb fic #fanfiction #fanfic #coffee shop au #college au #coffee shop/college au #did I channel my feelings about work through Midorima?#yes definitely #those fantasies were the biggest reason I tried to write a coffee shop AU for the first time in my life #too hilarious of an opportunity to pass XDD #wolfswriting

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xxsanshinexx · 5 years

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The Prideful Seeker

Characters: Gryffindor! Jongho x Ravenclaw! reader

Words: 3995

Synopsis: Choi Jongho never really cared about schooling, only Quidditch. McGonagall plans to change that through you.

Choi Jongho was a bold, powerful, and exceptionally daring Gryffindor.

From the moment he set foot onto Hogwarts grounds, everyone knew that he would be a wizard with high potential

Especially as he grew, honing his powerful magic that seem to garner him the position as one of the best duelers on campus.

Not that any of the professors knew that fact but the students knew, and that was enough for them to give him a wide berth when he walked the halls

If not just for his reputation as one of the strongest wizards in his year, and possibly the whole school, he took full pride in his position as one of the best quidditch players Hogwarts had the pleasure of housing.

With him on the team as seeker, Gryffindor had yet to lose a match for the entire school year.

It seemed, to anyone who watched Jongho play, that he was born to fly around on a broomstick at unbelievable speeds and win championships.

And that was all Jongho wanted to do with his life

Too bad he had to finish school before he could ever play for the Montrose Magpies.

While Jongho was an exception quidditch player and an unbelievably strong wizard, he lacked heavily in classes

Every student at Hogwarts strived for perfect scores for their future while all Jongho wanted was for class to be over so he could be off in the air again.

McGonagall took note of this once he nearly failed the Transfiguration test and he didn’t even give a sigh of defeat. She understood that Jongho loved little besides quidditch, but she couldn’t watch as he threw away a future in the wizarding world for something that couldn’t be permanent.

“Mr. Choi please come here,” Jongho let out a soft sigh as the rest of his classmates began to flee the room and he had to walk to the front of the class.

“Yes professor?”

“Why are you trying to fail my class?” The bold question had a smirk cross Jongho’s lips. McGonagall was always his favorite professor, if not for her Quidditch knowledge than for her straightforwardness.

“With all due respect, professor.” Jongho said, shoving his hands inside of his uniforms pockets. “I have no interest. Not with just your class, but all of mine, so please don’t take it to heart.”

McGonagall scoffed in mock surprise, she had a feeling Jongho just had no passion for education. “You can’t just fail all of your classes, especially if you want to continue with a Quidditch career.”

“I’m not failing professor, I'm just not exceeding everyone’s expectations.”

“You’re lack of excellence could cost you your place in the professional quidditch world.”

“I’ve been promised a place as seeker for the montrose magpies once I finish school.”

“Not with these grades.” The glare McGonagall sent Jongho’s way made him take a deep breath, realizing he would never win in an argument against such a women. “I’m making you get a tutor.”

“A… you’re making me-what!?”

“You obviously can’t be trusted to raise your grades on your own, since you seem so keen you get by without them.”

A sense of dread and panic began to fill Jongho at McGonagall’s decree. His reputation would go down immediately if the student body found out he was getting a tutor; though it wasn’t like he needed it. “I can raise my grades without a tutor McGonagall.”

“You’ve yet to prove it, Mr. Choi, and besides you have no sway in this matter anymore.” She leaned back in her chair to stare up at the boy with discontent written across his features. “You meet with your tutor today, in an hour actually- i made sure you both had the same free period- in the library. The fourth row of books and turn left, they should be at the table in the back there.”

Jongho’s sigh signified he had accepted the fate McGonagall had casted upon him, “Fine. Who is it?”

“Y/n L/n, Ravenclaw same year as you. I made sure this one would not be swindled by your… antics.”

Jongho knew of you, the Ravenclaw everyone steered clear of. The one with the books in hand, the glare in their eyes, and a strong stride through the hallways. Without a doubt, you were not someone people messed with and Jongho knew McGonagall had picked you specifically because of that; you and Jongho together were sure to be a treat.

And there you sat, an hour before dinner surrounded by all kinds of books in the back of the library. McGonagall had told you about her little situation, and while you were not thrilled about helping, the thought of having at least one teacher swayed in your favor was alluring. As was the promised house points.

You knew little about the alluring Choi Jongho, but truly, nobody knew anything about him besides the fact that he was a young quidditch God and he could kill someone both by dueling and using his bare hands. Those facts did little to scare you, unlike the rest of your peers who gave Jongho as much room as he wanted in the halls.

“So, you’re y/n?” an unamused voice asked from infront of you and you scoffed, gesturing to the seat before you without looking up from your parchment.

“So i see i’m easily forgotten, Jongho?” You had shared multiple classes with the daring gryffindor before; years of transfiguration and defence of the dark arts, you figured he would have at least remembered your face.

“Of course not,” His laugh was as he took a seat in the chair across from him, “It’s hard to forget the one ravenclaw that nearly beat me in a duel.”

It had to have been a year or so ago when you and Jongho had gotten paired together in the dueling club. He was a cocky prick and you were still memorizing spell after spell; it made for an interesting duel that you ultimately lost, but not after some rather dirty moves.

“I’d figure you’d have forgotten that, for the sake of your pride of course.”

“It’s hard to forget when Seonghwa will never let me forget that day.”

Yes the Ravenclaw prefect had been there for your duel and you remember his face of sheer joy when you hexed Jongho like your life depended on it. With how his attitude was back then, your life probably was on the line.

“I’m sure he does, i’ve never seen him so happy before.” You finally looked up from your parchment and met the amused eyes of Jongho. Despite being a terror to the public, he was still heavily attractive. With his messy brown hair and lips that seemed to be permanently tilted upwards into a smirk. At least your eyes would get something good out of this tutoring.

He leaned forward with his arms pressed to the table, and you watched as his eyebrow raised, “How about we both just say we met to McGonagall and leave? You won’t have to waste your breath and I can go about doing whatever I want.”

You mimicked his position, arms resting against the counter top as you leaned forward, speaking in a hushed tone. “House points are a bit more reliable than you, Jongho.”

“McGonagall would never know, you’d get your house points and you’d get away from me.”

“And if McGonagall found out?”

“She won’t.”

You scoffed and leaned back, “You’re very sure for a boy who’s failing all of his classes.”

“Classes have nothing to do with if you’re street smart.” He challenged and you could only shake your head as you slid a mock test across the table to him.

“I hope your words match your brain.” His face fell to one of annoyance at your words and you smiled, “For the both of us.”

As you guessed, his brain did not match his words. Jongho was plenty smart but not in the way that would get him out of Hogwarts on time. While he didn’t fail that test, he still had a lot of work to do. And so the deal he wanted so badly was called off, even if he was a pain in the ass to teach.

He never payed attention for more than five minutes, he never wrote anything down saying he would remember it, and he never got more than a 65 on his tests even if you were sure he knew everything. Even after countless days of going over multiple classes not just transfiguration you were beginning to lose your hope for the boy.

You were back in the library in the same spot you always were, a piece of parchment rested on your legs that were kicked up on the table. Again, you were going over the list that McGonagall had written for you with barely any of it ticked off. She had told you only to check boxes off once he had gotten an 80 or better on the mock tests.

“A bit more rebellious today I see.” Jongho chuckled as he took his spot across from you, eyes trailing over your kicked up legs and appearance. True, you rarely gave up on your prim and proper ravenclaw look but today had been exhausting. A day full of exams and harsh lectures; you couldn’t stand to be seen in your robes after the final class ended and it seemed neither did Jongho. Instead of his undid gryffindor tie and unbuttoned shirt, he came in a grey sweatshirt and track pants; with his legs kicked up on the table much like yours.

While his grades were always relatively disappointing, Jongho had begun to liven up to you. His once pisspoor demeanor and cocky attitude dissolved after the first week of tutoring. He was now more laid back and gave a little smile more often compared to the stoic boy who walked the halls with a cocky smirk.

“I’m tired and this isn’t exactly what I want to be doing.” You said curtly, rubbing a tired hand over your face as you finally looked up to the Gryffindor boy, surprised to find a hint of concern in his eyes.

“I’m hurt Y/n,” he grinned but it disappeared quickly as your lips wouldn’t change from a frown. “What’s got you so grumpy?”

“Why can’t you just pass a test Jongho?” You sighed, bringing your feet off the table and resting your head in your hands. “I know you can you damn gryffindor.”

“Why do you think I can’t?” Jongho’s voice was serious enough for you to snap your head up. While you had seen Jongho serious numerous times, this one seemed different; more personal. It made something in that brilliant brain of your click.

“You...this is all because you don’t want to… Isn’t it.” It wasn’t a question, not by the way you could see his eyes and the emotions they so easily gave away. If people looked Jongho in the eyes instead of at the wand in his hand, they would see him much differently.

“I thought the Ravenclaw would have found it out faster than three weeks.”

You huffed and shook your head, leaning back with a sigh,“I should have figured that out faster. This all makes so much more sense now.”

“Just because I said I chose to fail doesn’t mean this all makes sense.”

“It really does,” You met Jongho’s eyes that danced with unreadable emotions. This was the first time you had seen him so vulnerable and angry for a long time. “You don’t want to do school because you just don’t want to... It’s why you like quidditch so much, it’s your getaway- or whatever you want to call it. I just don’t get why. Lack of interest? The teachers? The-”

“My parents?” He added to your list and you became quiet quickly, wanting him to speak. His voice was hushed as he spoke, his hands playing with the ends of his hoodie strings; it was the first sign of nerves you had ever seen from him. “I’m pureblood you know. The standards and expectations are there. My family’s expectations are high intelligence and excelling in education, they don’t give a shit about passions like quidditch.”

“You fail out of spite.” Your words were cautious and he shrugged, giving a soft nod.

“You could call it that. My childhood was a whirlwind of studying, and studying and studying. I knew all the material for Hogwarts by the age I was nine. I fail, because it’s the only thing I can think of to get their attention… make them realize I despise what they did with my youth.”

You had never expected such a back story from the resident bad boy of Hogwarts, but as he spoke, the way he acted began to make sense. You began to regret ever making fun of his intelligence or the way he acted or the way he would talk when he first started school. He just wanted to be someone his parents were purely against.

“You know,” There was a small smile on your face as you spoke, your words breathy and light, and all the more captivating to Jongho, “I’ve heard worse villain origin stories.”

For one of the first times since you had began tutoring him, he laughed, whole and hearty, at your attempt to lighten the atmosphere. You realized, as he curled into himself as he giggled, that this was the first time you had heard Jongho laugh without the restrictions he had placed on himself. It was a sight that was pure.

“Usually,” He said in between fits of laughter, “People would say I’m so sorry to my sob story.”

“I’m not exactly people, Jongho. To put up with your ass you have to be a little more than just people.”

“I know,” he leaned back in his seat with a blissful smile and it made you feel warm. Maybe it was just the sweatshirt you had on making you feel so hot. “Can we skip the studying tonight?”

“Why? You plan to tell me your life story and dip?” You smiled at the way he shook his head at your words, clearly not taking them to heart.

“No… well yes ditch studying I’ve had enough of that in my life… but… uh-” He paused and began to fidget with his hoodie strings once again. “I want to take you somewhere.”

“Me?” You were sure your words were like a squeak, vocalizing the shock that was flooding your systems. “And where?”

“You ask too many questions, can you please just say yes?” He huffed and sat up, but you noticed the way he now avoided your gaze and how he gnawed on his lip.

“Yes.”

You were surprised by how sure you were of your answer, and by the way his eyes widened; Jongho was too. Still, despite his previous attitude and his secluded nature, you enjoyed seeing Jongho come to life before you. In the way he wouldn’t let others see him. It’s what made your answer so sure.

“Lets go than,” His voice was quiet as he stood up and gestured for you to follow him. Most of Hogwarts was quiet as you snaked your way along the corridors that were now dimly lit. No doubt it was beginning to get close to curfew.

“Jongho,” You voice was quiet amongst the empty halls, “Where are we going?”

“My favorite spot in Hogwarts,” He looked back at you who surveyed the dark walls with worried eyes. You had never broken a rule before, despite all your hot talk and dark looks; and the ambiance of the castle was making you feel like you were breaking all of them. A frown made its way onto Jongho’s lips at your state and he tentatively reached for your hand that was closing and unclosing at your side. At the light touch, you snapped your head to meet Jongho’s eyes feeling your fear begin to dwindle down slightly, “Nothing’s going to come out of the walls and get you, Y/n. Relax.”

You nodded at his words and followed him along the dark corridors, except this time you had Jongho’s hand to hold onto tightly. It was.... Undoubtedly nice to hold his hand; it fit with yours pretty nicely and provided a comfort against all the paintings with their eyes following your movements.

“Why do the painting have to be enchanted,” You huffed against Jongho’s arm as he turned towards a large door.

“Well, lucky you, were here.” He smiled back at you as he tried his best to push open the metal door quietly, peeking his head out before pulling you along with him. Jongho left out the fact that what the two of you were doing would get you in trouble if you were caught.

You frowned at the open hills and the picture perfect view of the hogwarts landscape before you. It was beautiful and you never expected a place like this to be Jongho’s favorite; but the boy had been surprising you a lot in the past hour.

“This is your favorite place in Hogwarts?” You asked bewildered, not noticing Jongho slip his fingers from yours as you marveled at the view.

“Of course,” There was rustling to the left of you and you watched as Jongho dug around in a bush, coming up only once he had a broomstick in his hands. “It’s the best place to practice Quidditch.”

“Why am I not surprised.”

“You know Quidditch is my life,” He smiled, letting the broom levitate before the both of you as he turned to you, taking your hand back in his own. “Now I want to tell you that while this place may look pretty great from right here… it’s even better up in the air.”

Jongho was surprised to see your face pale at the statement, “I think now is a good time to say that I’m terrified of heights.”

The ravenclaw who seemed like they would stare god in the face and win, was scared of heights. The situation put the ghost of a smile on Jongho’s face, especially as he leaned down to your height, hand still clutching your own. “Do you trust me?”

“Will you not throw me off the broomstick… or go very high and fast…?”

“You have my word.”

His grin was enough for you to nod your head, “Then yes… I trust you.”

Gently, he pulled you over to the broomstick that was hovering off the ground on its own. He took his spot before taking you by the hand again, tugging you towards the piece of wood that had the ability to fly off high in the air.

“It’ll be okay, I won’t let anything happen to you.” You hated that you trusted him enough to get on that damn broomstick. Your back was pressed against his front and you could make out the smell of dirt and pine that surrounded him. The scent only continued to engulf you as he leaned forward and wrapped his hands around the front of the broomstick; successfully encasing you with his body though you weren’t complaining.

“You might want to close your eyes,” He whispered from where his head rested against your shoulder; but you were barely paying attention to the proximity. At his words, you shut your eyes tightly and couldn’t help yourself from gripping his arms tightly with your hands as you felt gravity begin to try and pull you back down to earth. The wind and the cold breeze of the night attacked your face and hair and it gave you all the insight into how far up Jongho had flown up.

“Jongho, I thought you said you weren’t going up very high!” You had to shout over the wind and you could feel him chuckle against your ear.

“We aren’t that high, thirty feet max.”

“Thirty feet!?” You felt the two of you stall in the air but you wouldn’t open your eyes. Didn’t think you really could.

“Yes thirty feet, it’s really not that bad.” Jongho said and you felt him move his arms from their spot on the broom stick to sit around your waist. Maybe it was your fear that made you not want to push him away, “You can open your eyes.”

You opened your eyes slowly, and once you caught sight of the wonders from up high, they opened widely on their own. From here you could see the lake, the forbidden forest, and the wonder that was the castle. With the moon shining down on the land and the stars behind it, it was really a sight straight out of a storybook.

“It’s beautiful…” You whispered and the hot breath from Jongho’s chuckle blew across the shell of your ear.

“Bloody beautiful at daybreak too.” He whispered and the pair of you fell into a comfortable silence. Your eyes roamed over the new scene unable to take it all in at once and Jongho watched, a smitten smile on his face. He knew you would love it, no matter how bad your fear of heights was.

“I…” It was the first words spoken between the two of you for several minutes, “I see why you like this is all so much.”

“Gotten over your fear so quickly? Huh (princess/prince)?” He laughed and you had to try to suppress the smile on your face at the nickname. You were sure he could feel your heart beginning to erratically beat as well.

“No.. no I haven’t.” You muttered turning your head slightly to meet his cheerful expression, “Which by the way… can we go down please? We’ve been up here a while.”

You watched as air passed between his grinning lips, fanning over your nose as he nodded. “Fine, whatever you say.”

He was true to his word and slowly, without you having to close your eyes this time, he floated you back down to the green floor. Once he pressed his foot against the ground, you crawled off the broom, thankfully to have your feet on the ground once again even if the experience was one that was magical.

Jongho laughed at your relieved expression and you couldn’t help but notice how truly boyish he looked in the moment. With the messy hair, the hoodie and the youthful grin; you wished this version of him came alive more. Or maybe you wanted to keep this version of him for yourself.

“You know,” He said, kicking his feet as he stayed floating above the ground, “You should come watch me play one of these days, gryffindor colors and all.”

“I think that’s a bit too far for me,” You said but the idea of seeing him in his element, up in the air and free; was alluring to you. You had never been to a quidditch game before but now you had a motive.

“Fine, fine…” Jongho pouted before giving you a small, hopeful smile, “How about this? If I pass all of my next tests, you’ll come to my next game… and hopefully hogsmeade with me after that?”

You laughed to yourself and stepped forward, so you could see the excitement flash in Jongho’s eyes a little more clearly. “Are you asking me on a date?”

“After the bet… yeah.”

You grinned and laughed, loving the way this enigmatic boy could make you feel. “Pass your test first-” You reached up in a spur of confidence and gently pressed your lips to his cheeks, careful not to miss the sight of the ruby coloring breaking out across his features. “Then we’ll talk.”

“O-Okay,” Jongho squeaked out, raising his hand to his cheek as he watched you walk away, casting him uncontainable smiles over your shoulder until you slipped back into the castle’s doors.

It was safe to say, Jongho never needed a study session again.

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thestray · 3 years

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The 62 2020 Movies Releases I Watched During 2020 Ranked

Like the awkward title says, I’m going to rank (and talk about) all the 2020 movies I watched in 2020. This is not meant as any empirical list of what was best, it’s ranked by what I liked the least to the most, and my main criteria is what kind of impact it had on me and/or how much I enjoyed the experience of watching it.

Little bit about myself, I went to art school for animation, then after art school I went to a community college where I studied screenwriting. Never ended up pursuing either thing professionally, but I still write screenplays in my free time and read screenwriting books and listen to screenwriting podcasts. I'm the type of person that loves special features, seeks out behind the scenes information and director interviews, and watch youtube videos analyzing films. I love film, and thinking about film and talking about film and sharing the films I like, and maybe one day making films of my own, who knows.

Ranking and reviewing 62 movies was a more ambitious and challenging task than I anticipated, I rearranged this list swapping titles back and forth so many times, and then I’d remember a movie I forgot I watched and have to add that and figure out where it ranks. I started this on January 1st and am just now ready to post it on the 17th, I was still switching rankings right up until posting this. Even looking at it now there are some kinda want to switch but I’ve accepted that this is more or less arbitrary, lol.

The more I learn about film and what goes into creating a movie the more lenient I am about them. It’s not like I’m never critical of films, but I try to consider both the good and the bad of a movie instead of thinking in a binary of films are either amazing or trash. Some of these films aren’t great, but I typically still enjoyed them to some degree. Except Mulan, lol. I’m sorry Mulan. Speaking of Mulan...

62. Mulan

I'm going to try to say something nice about all these movies even if I didn't like them at all. So... I like the cast, and there are some nice visual moments. I actually was looking forward to this movie before reviews started coming out, it has 2 of the martial arts G.O.A.T.s in it, Donnie Yen and Jet Li, and also Jason Lee as the bad guy, so I figured it might at the very least have some decent action, but they were all underutilized. There’s not a single moment in the film where I felt anything at all. I think all these Disney live-action remakes are doing is making a case for how effective animation is for storytelling.

61. Color Out of Space

I heard a lot of good things about this movie, and it’s really cool visually, and I love Nicolas Cage always, but I really couldn’t get into it. I guess my main issue is that it starts off already too campy for any of to the Lovecraftian horror to really hit. It felt like a B-movie with great production value, and maybe that’s what they were going for? I really wanted to like this but I really just did not feel invested in anything going on, did not relate to anyone in the family, so I don’t think I got much out of it besides the cool visuals.

60. Bloodshot

I think the main flaw of this movie is that is that Vin Diesel was a producer on it, and Vin Diesel should be kept away from making creative decisions on movies. How Did This Get Made did a great podcast episode on this movie. It’s absolute nonsense, it has a couple of cool sequences and special effects in it, and Lamorne with a British accent is great, he’s the main redeeming value of this movie.

59. The Midnight Sky

It seems like this movie wants to be Interstellar, it’s structured in a very similar way, but it just didn’t quite have that same emotional punch. It looks very good, it’s well-acted, it has it’s moments.

58. The New Mutants

It's not as much of a trainwreck as people make it out to be in my opinion, I think the cast is good and it has some good character interactions, but it mostly suffers from the fact that it's way too predictable, from the beginning you're way ahead of the characters, and it doesn't help that they're in this confined setting so there's not a lot for them to actually do. But I appreciate the attempt at using mutants to do a horror breakfast club thing, good concept.

57. Vampires vs The Bronx

Vampires as a gentrifiers taking over the hood, great idea. Mero is in it, the brand is brolic. It was a fun set up, but it was neither funny enough or scary enough in my opinion. The vampires die so easily it's like okay whatever. It's like a really long Goosebumps episode.

56. Freaky

I don't think the execution lived up to the great concept, but Vince Vaughan was really great in those sincere moments playing a teenage girl. Horror fans will appreciate the gory kills. I'm not going to spoil anything but I do think there are some narrative issues that keep this from being stronger than it could've been. If you made the killer a creepy janitor at the school or even one of the teachers, then I think that would've created more interesting situations.

55. Eurovision

I love Will Ferrell, I even love some of his flops like Casa De Mi Padre and Kicking and Screaming, and even the House I think had a lot of really funny moments. This was definitely one of the least funny movies he's done to me. I think the director David Dobkin couldn't commit to being silly the way Adam McKay can cause there's a lot of this movie that just has no jokes, and the movie is over 2 hours long which isn't normal for comedies so you spend a lot of time watching unfunny scenes and extended musical numbers.

54. The Wrong Missy

I'm not a big fan of most Happy Madison movies, the jokes are very hit or miss for me. I'm a big fan of Lauren Lapkus though so I watched it to support her, and she plays an absolute psycho in this. It's so over the top it's like this character is not a human being, but I have to admit there are a few moments where she made me laugh pretty loud. I'd never watch this movie again, but maybe I'd look up certain parts on youtube.

53. The Platform

High concept dystopian sci-fi horror. Reminds me of the Cube. It's one of those things that makes you think about what you'd do in the same situation. It's a very on the nose allegory, so by the end of it my only takeaway was "Yeah, it really be like that."

52. Archenemy

Another high concept movie. Joe Mangienello is good in it, but Glenn Howerton and Paul Scheer are my favorite parts of the movie, it's fun to see comedy actors play bad guys. My main problem with the movie was that I did not find the teen character to be interesting or relatable at all, in fact he can be kind of obnoxious. In his introductory scene he's REALLY bothering this random guy minding his own business, not respecting his boundaries at all. Then the rest of the movie is about him exploiting a homeless man and being really pushy for likes on some app, and he doesn't really have a character arc. Also wasn't a big fan of the animated sequences but I forgive that knowing this was a low budget movie and those sequences were done by a team of just 3 people.

51. Power

Jamie Foxx is great. I think he makes almost anything he's in watchable to some degree. The idea of this movie is fun but I think the action sequences are kinda underwhelming, but Jamie makes it worth watching in my opinion.

50. Birds of Prey

This movie was all style and absolutely no substance. When your main character doesn't have a solid purpose or goal you're really just watching shit happen, and that can be okay if the shit that's happening is occassionally fun or funny, but it doesn't really make for a memorable story in my opinion.

49. Wonder Woman 84

The most panned movie of 2020 maybe? It's got flaws for sure and some narrative choices I just can't understand why they made. It has some fun performances though and I ultimately appreciated that our superhero wins not by using her fists but by appealing to goodness. I feel like you rarely see that kind of idealism any more. It may not be realistic but I think that's one of the things fantasy is good for, showing us a way things could be better to strive for. But yeah, the Steve Trevor things was fucking weird, why'd they do that? And neither Steve or Diana seem concerned with about this random guy's fate. I'd probably rate this film higher if they had Steve simply appear out of thin air, I mean why not? It's magic. But I loved Kristen Wig and Pedro Pascal in this. Pedro is performing with his whole body, did he film this after season 1 of the Mandolorian? Maybe being under that helmet for a season made him want to be really expressive. The films overall kinda campy but I didn't necessarily mind that.

48. Peninsula

Sequel to the already classic Train to Busan, this film decides the up the scale, which is what sequels often do, but I think it was a mistake in this instance. This is more of an over the top action movie than a character-driven horror film like the first. There's a climactic Mad Max-esque car chase scene that is almost entirely CGI. I don't think it was a bad movie, it's an okay popcorn flick, but it definitely doesn't live up to the original.

47. The Old Guard

In terms of action I don't think it did anything interesting, but I like how they explored how horrific and heartbreaking it would be to be immortal. Coming to terms with your own mortality is a tough thing to do, but we often don't consider the idea that death is a blessing we take for granted.

46. Sputnik

A Russian sci-fi thriller about a young doctor being tasked with trying to figure out how to separate an alien parasite from a Cosmonaut that's returned from earth. Good performances, creepy vibe, and lots of interesting questions about ethics. It has a sort of epilogue ending with a reveal I didn't quite understand the significance to the story, but didn't take away from either. Solid.

45. The Invisible Man

Fun sci-fi thriller about toxic abusive relationships and gaslighting. Elizabeth Moss is great in it and my favorite sequences are before her character actually catches on and you have moments where the camera is just focusing on a random place, very creepy and effective.

44. Sonic the Hedgehog

Personally I would've preferred a fully animated film taking place in Sonic's world. I don't know why they always feel like they need to make these movies about human characters and then spend a lot of time having to hide your CG character and having people do comical reactions to them. It feels very played out to me. BUT Jim Carrey is great in this, of course. Jim Carrey is the reason to watch this movie. He makes the movie. And it goes without saying thank God they changed that character design.

43. 2067

What I liked about this dystopian future is that the cause was basically everything. War, famine, ruining the environment, pandemics, just all our collective fuckery has resulted in a world where the human race is on the verge of extinction, plants are extinct, and oxygen is synthetic. Enter time travel, a young man is tasked with traveling into the future to bring back the solution to saving the human race. Very timely obviously. I liked it.

42. Monsters of Man

Some asshole tech bros let some killer robots loose on a remote southeast asian village as a trial run. It has lots of flaws but I give it some leeway because this is the first film of a guy who wrote, directed and was the cinematographer by himself, he didn't have a huge budget or much experience, so it's hard to expect perfection. My biggest criticism is that the film centers a white guy living in this village and some westerner medics, not the actual Asian people of the village. Could've been so much more of interesting commentary about racism and eurocentrism dropping these robots in a village of brown people no one will miss just for practice. That aside though I think it was a solid enough thriller and the robots looked pretty good.

41. Family Romance LLC

An interesting movie about a Japanese entrepreneur who has a business where he'll play whatever role in your life you need. Father, husband, coworker, etc there's a scene where someone even pays him to be scolded in his place by his boss. The main thrust of the film though is him playing the role of a girl's absentee father, pretends to reconnect with her and take her out on the town for activities. It's shot very documentary style, and there are a mixture of first time actors and non-actors. Sometimes there are long awkward conversations that feel just as awkward as real life. I really liked the premise, and the only thing that keeps it from being higher on my list is it doesn't have a strong enough conflict nor does it really have a satisfying conclusion.

40. Over the Moon

Directorial debut of animation legend Glen Keane, I really liked this visually. It was sufficiently enjoyable, but it doesn't have that emotional gut punch that Pixar or Disney films tend to have. But I guess cartoons don't NEED to make you bawl your eyes out to be good. I think there were some missed opportunities narratively, like I guess this is spoilery so just scroll ahead if you don't want to know, but she gains a step brother that she doesn't like and doesn't want to spend time with, once the adventure starts on the Moon they get separated very early on, and don't ge reunited until towards the end, but she somehow now cares about him and considers him her brother. I didn't feel like that was really earned, they should've been together throughout the adventure getting to know each other. But I otherwise liked the story aside from that nitpick. Loved the colors of this movie, almost everything in the moon world is luminescent which provides some nice visuals. Hope to see Glen direct more in the future.

39. The Croods 2

Nothing revolutionary but it has some solid physical comedy and great voice acting. All of Nicolas Cage's overacting is perfect for animation, and I liked Peter Dinklage as Mr. Betterman as well. There's a lot going on thematically but it all works pretty cohesively.

38. #ALIVE

Another Korean zombie thriller. I really liked this because I felt like as far as zombie outbreaks go this is the most realistic scenario. Once you realize what's going on you will just stay in your house rather than risk going outside and fighting zombies. But that poses the problem of a limited supply of food and water. The main thrust of the movie is not how this character survives though it's about him trying to retain his will to live. It's the perfect pandemic isolation allegory.

37. Love and Monsters

It looked kinda corny but I actually enjoyed this more than I thought I would. I like Dylan O'Brien, I love Tom Holland as Peter Parker but I've always felt like Dylan O'Brien would've been a great choice too, he has a good everyman relatable quality. There's also a dog in the movie that I loved. Put a dog in peril in a movie and I will be on the edge of my seat guaranteed. It's a fun movie with some interesting creatures in it and a solid character arc for our main protagonist.

36. Extraction

I love the trend of stunt coordinators directing films. That's the main reason why the John Wick series is so good, and the reason why this also has some very solid action. Nothing crazy here in terms of story or themes, everything is an excuse for Chris Hemsworth to fuck people up and it delivers on that. There's one scene where he slaps around some kids attacking him that I found hilarious as well. Fully welcoming an Extraction 2.

35. Save Yourselves

A couple decides to take a break from social media and get away to a cabin outside the city. While they're disconnected from the world an alien invasion occurs, furry little basketball sized poofs. This movie was pretty funny. I'm a little ambivalent about the ending but I enjoyed these hipsters arguing about what to do about aliens.

34. Bill and Ted Face the Music

A most bodacious movie. Fun gags and a robot that steals the show. It's not as good as the first 2 but I don't think that's any surprise. I think it borrows a little bit too much from the previous films, like the collecting legendary musicians thing, could've done without that. It was a fun movie though, and the daughters really worked.

33. An American Pickle

Seth Rogen playing an orthodox Jew who's been preserved in pickle juice for 100 years and his modern day app developer grandson. I think this may be Seth Rogen's best acting role, as silly as this movie is he's kind of endearing as this character from 100 years aro, and as the grandson he's a lot more understated than he usually is in movies.

32. Tenet

Tenet! Is it controversial that this is not higher up on the list? I really like Nolan's films, actually been a fan since watching his first film Following in a film class. Nolan likes playing with time in his movies so it was inevitable that he'd do something that addresses it very directly eventually. I love the time travel genre and I think this is one of the most ambitious and unique approaches to it to ever done. I actually braved theaters to see this because I did not want to miss the opportunity to see it on the big screen. I did it as safely as possible and booked a reserved seating theater where I knew I wouldn't be sitting by anyone, had a mask, gloves, antibacterial gell on deck, sanitized my seat with wipes, etc, there only 2 other people in the theater all of us sitting way for from each other. Weirdest moviegoing experience I've ever had but glad I saw it on the big screen because the visual spectacle of this is excellent. The reason it's not higher on the list is because as conceptually cool as it is as I did not feel invested. Just on a story level having a character we know very little about pursuing a goal he knows very little about for no clearly defined reason makes it feel like... we're just watching events unfold as opposed to watching a character-driven story. There's a moment at the end that you can tell was meant to be an emotional moment, but I felt nothing. They try to introduce some emotional stakes with the female character, but idk, since it wasn't tied to the inciting incident it felt more like a b-plot than fundamental to the story. So it was a really fun cool looking puzzle, more like watching a cool Rube Goldberg machine, but not something I really thought much about after it was over.

31. Guns Akimbo

I really have been enjoying Daniel Radcliffe's post-Harry Potter career, he'll do some solid dramas he seems to prefer doing fun weird shit like Swiss Army Man, Horns, his role on Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, etc. This is in that vein of fun weird shit, a guy who gets guns bolted to his hands and is running around the city in a robe trying to survive essentially a real life video game. A lot of the movies lower on this list had fun concepts but were lacking in execution, but this is one that is just as fun as the idea sounds, even more fun actually, it's funny, the action is good, and there are some great visuals. I found it all around enjoyable.

30. Let Them All Talk

Glen Close as a celebrated author who invites her nephew and 2 estranged best friends on a cruise with her. It's a very light-hearted movie with some underlying conflicts that the characters are afraid to address head on. Glen Close is great, obviously, she plays this pretentious self-important woman with affectations but is still likable and warm. It's a fairly pleasant almost slice-of-life until the 3rd act where everything comes together. To me it was a movie about communication, saying what you mean, saying what you feel, and those unspoken assumptions of what those around you are thinking or feeling about you. I know I can relate to the idea of wanting an apology from someone who might not even be cognizant of the fact that you feel slighted by them, or vice versa finding out someone's had a long standing problem with you when you thought you were cool. One sided grudges do no one any good.

29. True History of the Kelly Gang

I've heard of Ned Kelly, but I've never seen the Heath Ledge or Mick Jagger movies about him and I don't know much about him other than he's a famous Australian outlaw and something of a folk hero to some. The performances and cinematography if this are great. George MacKay from 1917 is the lead and he's amazing, sometimes vulnerable and soft, other times a madman. It spends a lot of time in his childhood and the child actor who plays Ned is great as well. It's gritty and sometimes surreal in it's imagery. From what I can gather previous films seemed to focus more on what happened with him and his gang, while this movie seems to focuses more on everything in his life that led up to him becoming who he is and forming that gang. Like a 3rd of the movie is spent in his childhood, and once the gang is actually formed things move at a pretty brisk pace, seemingly skimming over the exploits of the gang to the conclusion. The film feels very raw and gritty and very fuck the police which I always appreciate.

28. Lucky Grandma

A stubborn grandma in New York's chinatown gets her fortunte read and is told that she's going to be very lucky and come into a fortune, she then comes into possession of a bunch of money that belongs to a gang and she decides to try to keep it feeling it's owed to her by the universe. A funny crime drama with the unlikeliest of protagonists.

27. Da 5 Bloods

Spike Lee is an icon but he can honestly be a little hit or miss for me. I don't always enjoy every choice he makes, for instance he uses real footage of war attrocities in this, and it's really upsetting to see REAL people, including children, be killed, when you're not expecting that. I understand it's meant to be upsetting, but it does make the movie something I'll probably never rewatch. Spike Lee's films to me can also feel at times heightened to the point that it feels a little cheesy (Miracle At St Anna), and there moments in this that kinda took me out of it to be honest, but overall I enjoyed it. The performances were great, Delroy Lindo in my opinion is one of the most underrated actors of all time, he's just always good no matter what he's in, everyone else in it is good too, but of course I have to mention Chadwick Boseman who was great. At the end of the day it gave me a lot to think about in terms or race, war, America, forgiveness, trauma and so many other things.

26. The Devil All The Time

There's a LOT going on in this movie, maybe a little too much, it's like 2 or 3 movies smashed into one, but... I really liked it, and that's probably because Tom Holland is so good in it. Really liked Robert Pattinson in it too. I can’t really think of more to say about it say I won’t. Next movie.

25. Bad Education

A true crime movie about school district officiala who stole from the budget of a highschool. Hugh Jackman is great in this. I loved Jackman as Wolverine, but now that he's done with that I'm excited to see him other stuff cause he's always interesting to watch; The Fountain, Prisoners, The Prestige, he's always solid. I enjoyed this, it was done with nuance, it doesn't let them off the hook for what they did but it doesn't paint them as absolute monsters either. I really have to ask myself, if I could get away with stealing money that no one would miss... I don't know, I think I'd not do it out of fear not altruism, lol.

24. My Octopus Teacher

This is a documentary on Netflix about a diver who immerses himself in the world of underwater life and documents the life of an octopus. It's really beautiful, both in terms of visuals and in content. There's not a lot to talk about because it's fairly straightforward, but it was really fascinating to learn about this octopus and see the bond they mutually formed, and again I can't talk about how great this movie looks, it's like you're in a different world. This is something I could put in and mute while I draw just for the ambiance.

23. Kajillionaire

A quirky dramedy about a family of really obtuse poor scam artists. As absurd as their behaviour is I can totally imagine a trio of weirdos like this living in Los Angeles ( I can say that cause it's my hometown and where I lived most of my life. It's Evan Rachel Wood's best role, I never would've imagined her doing something like this but she's great as "Old Dolio". It's funny, at time sad but not in a hammy melodramatic way, and I feel it had the perfect ending.

22. The Gentleman

Guy Ritchie doing what he does best. It's fun, stylish, witty, has layers and twists and reveals. Everybody's good in it. It doesn't have anything poignant to say, but it's fun to watch the entire time

21. Run

A thriller about a wheelchair bound teen who suspects her mother is drugging her and tries to get to the bottom of it. You can tell this director is a Hitchcock fan because it definitely has that Rear Window vibe but takes it a step further, and in many ways it's even shot and paced like Hitchcock. The lead actress is actually wheelchair bound herself so it really adds to the realism of all the things she does in this film. Oh, and Sarah Paulson is the mom, when is Sarah Paulson ever not good?

20. Horse Girl

Alison Brie is an awkward neurotic woman getting over recent grief and a history of mental illness in her family, she starts to have weird dreams and then notices people from her dreams in real life, starts blacking out and having gaps in time, and starts to believe it's due to alien abduction conspiracy. Is she losing her mind or is it really happening? Alison Brie is really really good in this, and she co-wrote it too, it has a lot of moments where you really feel sorry for her or scared for her and you start to question what's real yourself.

19. Swallow

I found this movie really fascinating, it's like what if you turned one of those My Strange Addiction episodes on TLC into a movie. It's about this woman who ostensibly, at least from appearances, has the perfect life (at least by societal standards), she came from nothing and is now housewife to a rich successful man, and behaves almost like a Stepford wife. Then develops a compulsion to swallow inedible things, like marbles and batteries and thumbtacks, which is a real condition called pica. Its the kind of movie that gives you a lot to think about but no easy answers.

18. Time to Hunt

A Korean heist thriller set in the near future. A bunch of childhood friends rob the wrong person and have an Anton Chigurh-esque killer sent after them to retrieve the money and kill them. It's a really tense cat and mouse thriller with good performances. The ending seemed to turn a lot of people off based on a lot of youtube comments I read, but I didn't mind it. My only real gripe is that they set this in the near future but aside from some imagery in the beginning it doesn't seem to come into play that much, this all could've taken place in modern day or even the past with no alteration of the story. I think the future setting was more just for some social commentary that maybe went over my head a little bit because I'm not from Korea, but I think if they were going to do near future they could've added some futuristic weapons or something. But that's just nitpicking, while the future setting didn't add to the story much it didn't take away from it either.

17. Tigertail

As I get older one of my worse fears is making decisions that I will regret for the rest of my life, so this movie really hit home as a cautionary tale. It's a kind of quietly devastating movie. There's no huge tragic horrific even, just a huge miscalculation. Decades of your life of work and unhappiness go by and all you can do is wonder what things could've been. I also especially appreciated the cinematography and music of this film.

16. Mother

It's been a while since I hated a character this much, but this titular mother really pissed me off. She's a neglectful mother who only sees her son as a tool, but he sticks by her cause he loves her. It's definitely not a fun movie to watch, but it made me feel a lot and meditate on the idea of love and whether it in itself has innate value.

15. Call

I went into this movie cold, having no idea what it was really about other than that it was a thriller that revolved around a woman getting mysterious calls. I'm glad I had seen no trailers and did not know the gist of the plot becuase it went places I really was not expecting. One of the most fun thrillers I've seen in a while. So, I'm not going to talk about the movie but what I will say is that Jeon Jong-seo, who played the woman in Burning is in this, she was great in Burning and she's great in this. After watching it I googled her to see what else she's been in that I can watch and this is only her 2nd film. Apparently Burning was her first audition EVER and she BOOKED IT! Like, one a million success story right? But she deserves it cause she's great and I look forward to seeing what else she does.

14. Possessor

This was directed by Brandon Cronenberg, the son of David Cronenberg, big shoes to fill, and I think he's going to fill them fine cause this is already a cult classic in my opinion. The visuals in this, which look like they were mainly created with practical and in camera effects. There is some very graphic very realistic violence in this. The movie is about an assassin who works for an organization and uses some type of scientific process to "possess" people to carry out hits. When she's in a body for too long who's in control starts to blur. It's really fucking trippy, like a fucked up Black Mirror episode.

13. Borat 2

Been a fan of Sacha since the old Da Ali G Show days when Borat was just a side character. I'm amazed with out Sacha can stay in character the way he does, especially when later on in the movie he shelters in place with some Qanon conservatives with who knows how long staying in character. Maybe they'll reveal they were paid actors who knows, but whatever I fucking laughed a lot at this movie. There's a black woman in this movie that I hope to god was not an actress cause I loved her and her reactions so much. It was a breath of fresh air to watch something that's just goofy in 2020 because it wasn't a good year for comedy. As much as I love film sometimes I got a little fatigue from watching so many things with very heavy themes, this also had heavy themes it was satirizing, but also chimp pornstar jokes, so.. a fun time.

12. A Sun

A drama about a family's eldest son going to juvenile detention for his involvement in a violent crime. We see how his father, his mother, his brother and his pregnant girlfriend all deal with this. I found it very engaging. My only gripe is that there are some moments of levity where they use this really generic comedy music score it and it really takes you out of the film. No music at all is better than bad generic music. Other than that I really loved it and the ending is great. I really thought this would end up in my top 10 but the following films just had more personal relevance or were more fun to watch.

11. Ma Rainey's Black Bottom

R.I.P. Chadwick Boseman, this movie is like an acting showcase for him, he has so many great monologues here, the ending really took the wind out of me. It's also packed with really still relevant commentary on race.

10. Onward

You already expect a Pixar movie to make you cry, but this came from angle I was NOT expecting and I bawled hard at this. This movie was so applicable to my life experience it's like they specifically engineered it to make me personally cry. Honestly there are better movies lower on this list, but movies are just like any other art, when a song touches you on a personal level it doesn't need to have complex instrumentation cause it's how it made you feel that matters.

09. Palm Springs

A comedy released during a pandemic about trying to find stimulation and meaning when every day is the same thing? Ya don't say! Another take on Groundhog Day, which at this point I feel like it's its on genre with the amount of times the concept has been done, but I'm not complaining, I typically enjoy a good time loop movie (or show; Russian Doll). I don't know what else to say besides that it's really funny and Andy Samberg and Cristin Milioti are both charming and great in it.

08. Scare Me

This movie was funny, creepy, the performances were great, and it's just really unique and clever. Written, directed, produced, and starring Josh Ruben, who I know primarily does really idiosyncratic "impressions" on instagram. It's 2 people alone in a cabin telling each other scary stories, they don't cut away to the stories you just watch them act it out. 4 people in the cast, one location, and it still manages to be a fun ride of a movie and manages to touch on some good themes in the overall story. I really hope to see Josh Ruben direct more films because I think he's really creative.

07. Ride Your Wave

A romantic comedy about a woman trying to find joy and purpose in her life. I often go into movies very cold, so I didn't know much about what this movie was about, just knew that it was from an animation studio and director that I really respected. It's very beautiful, very grounded, until it's not. Kind of movie that breaks your heart so it can uplift you later.

06. Uncle Frank

I really did not expect a lot from movie, not that I thought it would be bad, I just thought it be your middle of the road movie. It's about a teenage girl who really looks up to her uncle who she learns is a closeted gay man, in an era where that was potentially dangerous to be. They go on a road trip home when his father dies and learn about each other and themselves, it sounds kinda cookie cutter, but it really surprised me. Paul Bettany is so very good in this, and it made me cry. Easy way to get on high on this list is to make me cry lol.

05. Children of the Sea

This film had to be in my top 5 because I'm an animation nerd and this is one of the most beautiful animated films ever. Ever. It's right up there with Akira and the Ghibli catalogue, and the works of Satoshi Kon, and all the Disney movies and everything else. It focuses on details and nuances in a really gorgeous way. The story is VERY ambiguous and gets very metaphysical towards the end, the climax is like watching an acid trip. It's about a girl who meet 2 young boys who have adapted to living underwater, and they form a bond, and then... uh... there's no way I can concisely explain it. The creator has said it's not supposed to be understood logical, instead it's supposed to be felt. There's a lot of symbolism and metaphor, it's very philosophical and explores themes of connection and the cycle of life. It's produced by Studio 4°C, which is my favorite animation studio because they really push the envelope, they're responsible for Mind Game, Tekkonkinkreet, and the recent Mutafukaz, and other, if you've never heard of any of those definitely look them up, they're unlike any anime you've ever watched before. Anyway, beautiful movie and the cryptic plot allows for you to rewatch it multiple times and take different things away from it. I can't wait to own it on blu-ray.

04. 37 Seconds

I saw this very early in the year and love it. It's about a young woman with cerebal palsy who is also an aspiring hentai artist trying to get laid. Her mother who takes care of her like a child smothers her, so it's not only about trying to get laid but trying to have some independence. Firstly the performance of this woman who actually does have cerebral palsy and is a first time actor is so natural and endearing, secondly there are things they portray with an uncomfortable amount of realism and awkwardness that it really draws you in to the nitty gritty of her reality and what it can be like for someone who is wheelchair bound to try to have sexual experiences. I like that there were 2 films this year about characters in wheelchairs that used unknown actresses that face the same things their characters do, it adds to the authenticity of either film. Films like this are why I think diversity in film is not just about doing something for the demographic you're depicting but also giving everyone else not of that demographic new unique stories and perspectives.

03. Soul

I guess spoilers if you haven't seen this because it's easier to talk about why I liked it if I talk specifically about the plot. I wasn't expecting much from this when the initial trailer dropped, it made it seem like it was going to largely take place in this imaginary soul place with these blue things, and for most of the first act it seemed like that's what it was going to be, but when they come back to earth and the story really starts I really started enjoying it. This movie tricks you into thinking the film is about finding or fulfilling your purpose, only to throw a curveball that living life in and of itself is the "purpose", and this movie resonated so much with thoughts that were already on my mind. I relate so much to Joe as a creative person myself with so many unfulfilled dreams, at 36yrs old, having to put many of my goals on the backburner just to survive, and generally having that feeling that I'm still waiting to live life because I'm not fulfilling my "purpose". Sure reaching for goals is great, but I think our culture breeds this idea that happiness is a destination, an accomplishment, a certain amount of recognition, a monetization of your passion. I really loved how the film depicted that there's a dark side to focusing on your passions and how it can become a source of stress and unhappiness. This movie is just about savoring life itself, which people have been expressing through platitudes since forever but this film illustrated it in a way that words fail at, and that's what makes film such a great form of art.

02. Sound of Metal

This movie had one of the best trailers of 2020, I couldn't wait to watch this movie. FIrst of all I love RIz Ahmed and think he's an underrated and underutilized actor, he's fucking amazing in this, he needs an Oscar nom FOR SURE. His frustration is so palpable and he feels so natural in this movie. It follows a metal punk drummer who loses his hearing and goes to stay in a deaf community to acclimate. One thing I think is absolutely brilliant about this movie is the sound design. I'm not deaf so I can't speak from any type of experience, but they try to replicate what going deaf sounds like, what the audiologist tests sound like, what hearing aids and cochlear implants sound like, it's very immersive. I almost think of it like a companion piece to Soul, cause I had almost the same take away, it's just coming from it at a different angle.

01. I'm Thinking Of Ending Things

Okay, so I’m going to have a lot to say about this movie.

Maybe a very controversial pick for my number one because so many people absolutely hated this movie, lol. I am biased given that I'm a huge fan of Charlie Kaufman, he's my favorite screenwriter, and his films have only gotten weirder and weirder, so I know to expect the unexpected when going into one of his films. I can understand how this would be an offputting experience if you're expecting the conventions of normal narrative structure. It was surprising and perplexing to me how this film unfolded but I've watched non-narrative and experimental films before so I was intrigued rather than frustrated. You think it's about a woman who is thinking of breaking up with her boyfriend as they head to meet his parents. Once we get to his childhood home things start getting surreal, and that surrealism just escalates to the point where you realize this film is not at all attempting to depict reality and doesn't even have any continuity. This is the most a movie has ever felt like one of my dreams. I don't know how other people dream but this was so much like every weird nightmare I've ever had where I feel trapped in a situation.

There's a scene where the family is talking about art, the dad says he hates abstract art because it takes no skill, he prefers paintings that look like photographs because that takes real skill, the son asks why make a painting look like a photograph when you can just take a photograph, the woman states she paints pictures of landscapes and tries to imbue them with a sense of interiority, capturing the way she feels, the dad asks how can a landscape be sad if you don't have a person in it looking sad. I felt like this was a bit of meta commentary on the film itself. After I watched this movies I had my own theories, I watched some analysis videos on youtube that confirmed a lot of my ideas and gave me insight on other parts of the film, I watched the film again and formulated more ideas, it's so dense with things to project meaning onto and interpret it. I went on instagram and ended up having lengthy discussions about what the film meant both with people who loved it and hated it. Everybody I spoke with had slightly different interpretations and takeaways. One woman who initially did not like it came away with an appreciation for it after we had a lengthy discussion about it's meaning.

All of this is why it's my favorite film of the year, not only did I relate to it on a personal level because I'm in a stage of my life where I'm approaching middle ages and afraid I'm going to end up like the guy in this film, but I can't remember the last time a film led to such meaningful conversation about life, death, love, mental health, loneliness, trauma, etc. So like the scene where they're talking about art, I think this movie is neither intended to be abstract or realistic, it's supposed to be imbued with a sense of interiority. I know I sound way pretentious right now, but I just really appreciated Charlie Kaufman for making something unabashedly expressionist and serving it up to mainstream audiences. I really feel like I grow as a person and an artist every time I watch one of his films.

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So there ya go. That’s it. That concludes this arbitrary exercise in ranking the movies i saw last year, thank you for wasting your time on this, lol. I think it was a very good year for movies.

If there was a movie you were expecting to see on the list and it’s missing I just didn’t get to it in 2020, I may do an unranked follow up list of 2020 movies I missed in 2020, maybe.

That’s it.

End of post.

Bye.

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