How does Julian handle his feelings, in general but also about the people in his life? Not actually from an ask game but just curious bc he confuses me 😅
A Weighty Question™️ THIS IS AN EXTREMELY LONG POST SO PROCEED WITH CAUTION LOL.
OK so I will begin this post by describing feelings that Julian experiences most often/most strongly:
in no particular order.
I'll start with boredom since that one is the most consistent and therefore the one he has to deal with most, and usually (ofc) comes with a healthy dose of ✨apathy✨ (we're not counting apathy in this, obviously, since it's more LACK of emotion than anything else)
Julian is really, really bad at handling boredom. It explains a lot of his behaviours tbh, like the drinking and the bad behaviour and everything else; he does it because he's bored. A lot of his really bad behaviour stems from nothing but boredom. He has no actual will to do bad behaviour, he's not malicious or "I want to be evil!", he doesn't care enough about other people or their lives, like, why would he want to ruin them? But when he's bored, he would and will, bc he has nothing else to do that'll satisfy him more than the thrill of risking getting in trouble or just straight-up not even being sober. Boredom is something that he does eventually learn to handle. He stops a lot of the smoking and the drinking (he never stops completely, esp in the case of smoking, and probably still does it on average more than most people, but he doesn't do it regularly). The boredom never goes away (obviously his disorder is permanent lol), so he just has to hide it for the sake of other people (which he absolutely cannot stand, but does do anyway). Obviously a lot of his life is trying to make his disorder easier on other people, which sucks lol but whatever.
So yeah, boredom, his most prominent emotion, is one that he 100% does not really handle very well. And he feels it very, very intensely (if he's bored and you give him something burning, he will touch the burning thing if he thinks it'll get rid of the boredom, it is really intense and hard for him to handle appropriately).
Next one! Anger? Idk which one of the other three he feels most prominently, bc a lot of the time he feels none of them at all and then gets random, extreme bursts of them. But here I'll begin with irritation.
He feels irritation a lot too, at everything. People talking, anything, it can really bug him (not always ofc, but fairly often). Obviously this isn't a thing that should be taken personally and it can happen with him and anyone, and he does try to mask it, but it does explain why almost all friends that he has are ppl like Jamie and Angelo who are really rough and annoying anyway; if Julian is irritated at them, it's like, whatever. He does find Fernando, Everado, etc., equally as annoying as everybody else whenever he's in that mood though, so it is really, really impersonal. (That said, there are people that annoy him less, who tend to be less emotionally exhaustive to talk to, but even then he needs breaks.)
And then anger which is what I was GOING to begin with lol. Julian's honestly rarely ever angry. He's very slow to anger, and his anger is very often triggered by jealousy (we might do both of these at once). His anger though, when it happens, is intimidating and loud and violent and usually very hysterical (Julian tend to laugh when he's angry). He's very biting and honest. Usually, even when he's calmed down, he won't take back what he said, usually he did mean it. The thing that people have to realise that even if he did mean to say a lot of hurtful things, if he says he still cares about you and wants to be around you and is sorry for being angry and will put in the effort to be lovely and nice again, he does mean that as well. He doesn't really ever say things he doesn't mean. Which might be the hardest thing about Julian when he's angry, he's not just a "say things you don't mean in the moment, take it back later" person. He does mean it.
His anger does come out in violence, hitting things, kicking things or hurting himself in some way (he has never, except when provoked into a fight, hurt someone else in anger). And yelling, laughing. It isn't difficult to tell when he's angry at all lol.
As for jealousy, it is usually, in some way, the root of his anger. He hates being second, he hates not being recognised, he hates someone else being seen as cleverer than him, he hates all of it. It really, really annoys him, which is why if anyone else is introduced to him by way of someone else going "they're so cool! They're amazing! They're good at [thing]!", Julian will initially hate that person and will likely continue to hate that person—an in-canon example of this is Hisoka. (He's also jealous of him bc of his relationship with Fernando—overall, Hisoka makes Julian very angry, and the only reason he's slightly better at dealing with this is bc he met Hisoka first, which makes a big difference but doesn't stop Julian from wanting him to die painfully most days.)
Last one, love. Julian does feel this lowkey around Fernando all the time, not so much with anyone else, although he does love other people (Everado, Valentino, his mother). The main thing about how Julian handles and deals with love is that it does not make him happy. A lot of the time it actually makes him unhappy, but he does love to be around the people that he loves. It is the most positive emotion he feels.
With Fernando, since he's the most prominent example, Julian does love to be around him and he does love him a lot and does feel connected to him sometimes (not always though—sometimes he finds he's just not connecting, and he absolutely hates it, he feels so isolated when he can't connect to Fernando), but he also spends a lot of time worrying about losing him. Which is weird, bc Julian is really secure in the relationship and genuinely does not think that Fernando would ever, ever leave him, but his brain just thinks, "There's probably a world where he would leave, though, like then how would I feel?". Even though he is 100% sure in the relationship, he can't help but just think about it anyway. Which does make him grateful, but it also means that he seems kind of sad a lot of the time bc he thinks Fernando is so great and he kind of hates that Fernando exists outside of him and has his own life and different friends and everything, and Julian has this thing where he literally just wants to be him. He just thinks, like, Fernando gets to be Fernando all the time, he'll always be Fernando, he is he actual, living, breathing Fernando, and Julian's weirdly jealous of that as well. Not bc he doesn't like himself, and not bc he wants to be more like Fernando. Just for the sake of it being Fernando.
Even in scenes with Fernando and Julian, Fernando will often say he feels really happy and he's in such a good mood and everything and even though Julian might be laughing and joking and literally completely fine, you can just tell he doesn't feel the same, he just seems weirdly thankful that he's there and that's it, no happiness really. There's a lowkey sense of melancholy. Something Julian once thought is, "if we ever got married, I'd be content and never happy, and Fernando would be happy but never content" which is really, really true. That's what they're like.
So I guess I've moved on to how he handles his relationships now 😂 that is how he handles his relationship with Fernando. His relationship with his childhood friends like Angelo, Angelica, etc., are much less loving but Julian does have the relationship for a reason.
They've known him the longest, they all tend to be pretty hardened and assured, so he feels more comfortable to be more rough around them (he is rough around Fernando, but he does have to be careful not to be like that all the time bc obviously that isn't the type of relationship Fernando is looking for and if Julian loves him then he thinks he does have to put in the effort or it wouldn't be fair). He uses them basically to help with his boredom, to let loose a little more, and this means that he tends to love being around them a lot. He doesn't love them more than any other friends, but a lot of the time it is them that he will choose to hang out with, bc he just feels wayyy more comfortable. There are a lot of things he would rather go to, say, Jamie for, than Everado.
Which brings me on to Everado. His relationship with him is actually very delicate bc Everado is extremely self-sacrificing; Julian is, by nature, manipulative and selfish, and although most of the time he makes it so you cannot tell, he finds this difficult with Everado, who would be so easy to manipulate. Not because he's dumb or wouldn't know (he'd be entirely aware of how he was being treated; his relationship with Gwen is an example of this), but because he would stay anyway and let Julian treat him however he wants because he wants to help Julian. Julian knows that he cannot really deal with people that just serve themselves up like this. Everado and Precious are the only two characters who Julian talks more about himself other than the other person talks about themselves (usually, the other person talks about themselves way more, or in some cases it's equal, but tbh I can't think of one much like that), and he does use Precious sometimes and their relationship is not ideal. He doesn't love her, though, and she is much less easy to push around than Everado most of the time; he loves Everado a lot, and he's a pushover. This is why they're not really, really close. Julian is careful about it.
The last significant one is Rosa. The person who Julian mistreats the most. The reason for this: she was forced into his life. Everyone else is his friend, he picked them, but not Rosa, she's just sort of there, his sister. And whereas with the others you can be like "you're not my priority as a friend, you're not my closest friend", you're supposed to really care about your siblings, and he's her big brother, and he hates that obligation and it makes him hate her. She makes him look bad (not intentionally, ofc). He hates having the pressure that he tries to avoid in literally every other relationship and having nothing to do abof it. He just always looks cold with her, unless he puts the effort in, and Julian has an extremely select amount of effort he's able to give, and he 100% refuse to waste it on her. And people really don't like him for that, that's what people kind of see as his cruellest side tbh (he is also not nice to her, ofc; with Rosa he is very, very easily provoked into annoyance or anger because he straight-up just wishes she didn't exist and it doesn't matter who she is as a person or what it is she's saying, he will always just wish that she was not there, and that's never going to change).
Overall though, Julian does try to be good, he puts in a lot of effort most of the time considering the state his mental health is and always will be in. He's always the therapist friend, which is a strange position for him to be in considering. He does show very empathetic behaviours (likely a lot to do with his very high cognitive empathy as opposed to his lack of emotional empathy) despite himself, and a lot of that is learned behaviour but the fact that he puts effort in when he can't feel it really should be recognised more; out of all my characters, he's the one who really makes the most rewarding friend. I think often though he genuinely isn't given enough credit for this, bc simply having a "how are you?" conversation is something that, with the way his brain is, is really taxing, and the fact that he will talk out a problem with a friend for hours really does mean something. He's putting in more effort than most people bc it's so genuinely exhausting for him and I think rather than people seeing him finding an emotional conversation exhausting insulting (it remins me of people taking ppl social anxiety personally, which I think is the kind of unfair thing that I relate to with Julian), they should instead be grateful that he's really going out of his way to do something for them that does not come naturally. It just shows when he really cares.
That's it I think! Omg this was so long 😂 it was dead fun to write tho, I love answering random asks like this I can really go into detail about. Thanks for asking! ♡
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