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plato-repulsed-culture-is · 5 months

Note

sorry if this is a weird question, but um, a girl i know asked me out. Shes aplatonic but alloromantic and allosexual. I do like her back, but im a bit worried.. ive dated a guy before who didnt have friends and what ended up happening is that i had to support him 100% of the time when something bad happened and i had to be with him after school every day because i was the only person he talked to and he would get lonely otherwise. He even threatened to do bad things to himself if i went to a friend's sleepover because it made him feel bad. Im really worried that something like this would repeat... it lowkey traumatized me i think. Is this a valid concern or are aplatonic people different and they dont really need much emotional support compared to non-aplatonic people? Or was my ex just uniquely an asshole? Thank u so so much if u respond

I am prefacing this with a disclaimer that this blog was never for giving people advice, especially when they view aplatonics with such suspicion and are not actually asking any advice related to plato repulsion which is what this blog is about. I can also only go off of your statements here to draw conclusions, and I am assuming you are stating the truth here (especially as this is online, I know there is a possibility people can lie, but may also be telling the truth.). Also, we are not responsible for anything that happens to you emotionally or otherwise if you make decisions based off of this advice, because thats not within our control.

From what you said, your ex sounds like he was being rather toxic and manipulative towards you. That kind of behaviour is harmful (threatening self harm as a form of control, trying to control who someone spends time with, and not respecting peoples boundaries regarding interaction or emotional support, are all harmful actions.) and nobody should be acting that way towards others, we're sorry that happened to you. You also don't need to be concerned that someone will act this way towards you just bc theyre aplatonic. Your concern is valid, but it is in no way something that will inherently apply to aplatonics.

If you are concerned about whether this person has unmet social needs then you should just ask her about her social needs and emotional needs and what she expects in a relationship, and communicate about your needs and emotions regarding these things too. If its possible to, maybe mention that you have past issues or trauma in relationships which is why you want to be careful about dating, while not making it seem like aplatonicism is inherently a reason you think someone might hurt you(because it's not).

Set boundaries about what amount of time you want to spend with someone you're dating, and state your limits regarding how much you are okay with emotionally supporting someone / what topics you are ok with talking about / etc. . Don't assume that someone will be toxic or abusive towards you just because they're aplatonic. Its not really like your ex was inherently aplatonic just because he didn't have friends, and it may even be more likely he was alloplatonic.

Some aplatonics have and/or want friends but some dont, and moreover, if someone doesnt have friends by choice, that's very different from someone who is lonely because they don't have friends and mistreats a partner because of it. I will also add here that I don't intend to malign mental health issues just because it sounds like your ex may have had them (as you mentioned loneliness - which is different from just being alone or even liking solitude) ; mental health issues do not innately make someone abusive or toxic, and one can have mental health issues and still be respectful to people.

Someone without any mental health issues can also still very much be abusive or toxic towards others. And honestly, if you associate the concept of aplatonicism itself with this trauma then maybe its not in the best interest of you or the other person to date? And if it applies maybe it could be possible that you are simply not ready to date someone again after what happened, which is also okay, but I don't intend to assume that or be harsh in stating it as a possibility. I will also add that not having friends is not a 'red flag'. If someone has a preference to date/ be involved with people who have friends, that's okay, but not having friends is not inherently a 'red flag'.

Some aplatonics may not get lonely if they don't talk to people (but this can also be true of alloplatonics), and just because someone is aplatonic doesnt mean they will expect their partner to support them all the time to an unhealthy level or to an extent that crosses their boundaries. I will also add that there is no surefire way to tell whether someone will be abusive or toxic, although if they cross your boundaries or are disrespectful to you from the start, its worth staying away from them. Even ppl who are very kind to you initially may at some point abuse you or mistreat you, and theres no way to tell for sure whether or not this will happen because thats kind of how social relationships of any kind are.

But don't profile aplatonics as inherently more likely to be abusive or toxic (I don't know if this is intentional on your part, but hearing the word 'aplatonic' and making all these assumptions about how one may be in a relationship wounds like either this and/or like a trauma trigger extending to the concept of aplatonicism). Not all aplatonics even approach social relationships the same way, and even those who don't have friends are still capable of respecting boundaries in relationships they engage in. I wouldn't say that aplatonic people don't have emotional needs, but people in general have varying social needs and emotional needs. Some people who don't want friends may specifically not have a social drive towards having friends, but this may also apply to people who want friends.

If someone is happy without having friends then they probably don't seek emotional or social fulfillment from friendship. They may have other relationship types even if they are aplatonic (such as familial , romantic, sexual, alterous, etc.) (I don't know if you and this girl are monogamous are not but if you are intending to be monogamous that obviously is excluding sexual and/or romantic then) , and I will add that people don't always need social relationships/ bonds for emotional support. Some people may process emotions through journalling, or may go to a therapist, or such.

Some people may have people they talk to sometimes but don't call them their friends. Having friends does not ever guarantee anyone emotional support, and neither does any other relationship. It just so happens that a lot of people end up mutually (i.e. more or less both ppl give the other emotional support, it doesnt have to be equal so much as it is respecting the boundaries of both people. It is also possible that people may be incompatible in this regard) giving emotional support due to just being around people they are close to and also due to having some kind of emotional connection.

Anyways, long answer short, aplatonicism doesn't say anything about someone's social needs or emotional needs, and neither does alloplatonicism, and its often better to communicate with people you are close to or are looking to be close to, about important aspects regarding relationships.

(Also stating here that this is not an advice blog, we will be deleting any asks seeking advice from now on. If you want you can send in asks as reply to this response, as long as you aren't asking for more advice)

Anyways I hope it works out for you, whatever you decide to do.

(Additional disclaimer - to anyone who sees this post - do NOT suggest that 'narc abuse' 'borderline abuse' or whatever is real, do not imply mental health issues cause ppl to inherently be abusive, and do not treat having no friends as a 'red flag', regardless of platonic orientation or favorability)

#aplatonic #tw aplphobia #aplphobia #tagging just in case bc idk if it was intentional but the assumptions anon makes seem rather aplphobic #tw manipulation #tw abuse #to trigger warn for mentions of what anons ex did - not sure how else to tw it #asks #advice #I was thinking of deleting this but in case it was genuine I didnt want to like leave it unanswered #I hope it didnt come off too harsh #I was thinking maybe Id need to mention how my relationships w my partners work but I felt that it wasnt very related to this and was too #personal to reveal to someone who I cant even be sure is asking this in good faith mainly bc of how often ppl troll aplatonics and atertiar #the disclaimers are because I dont want this to be used for bigotry #dating #anon asks #not plato repulsed culture

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tvxqdbsk · 1 year

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i was just happening to read your ayyo concept analysis and was reminded, did u know snsd tiffanys solo (ijwd <3) was also partially shot at the same pink motel?? i just found it a bit funny that sm returned later for another release

I think the repack was not well planned, but they still made one bcs they could tell ppl wanted it, so it was pushed out half hearted. Lets now set the bar reaaal low they thought. If ppl had given up and we skipped this release, waited until a real new concept (maybe a mini?) i wonder if we might have dodged this mess

idk.. i also think 127 needs another career evolution? like im not sure how or how to put it, but something...preferably outside the nct bubble. socially? with more of the ent industry or? hm i could keep going i just realized haha

i cant believe i didnt recognize the motel but i havent seen that mv in yearsss. ok just went back and watched it and i guess the only part i should have recognized from the ay-yo teasers is the empty pool but otherwise i dont think i would have realized without you telling me bc they mostly used different areas of the motel.

my memory is a bit fuzzy with the details of the repackage timeline but im pretty sure we were told a while ago that there would be a repackage so thats why everyone was expecting one (or maybe not, maybe we just assumed there would be one). i really dont know what kind of strategy they were going for with this awful repackage. but sm are no strangers to delays so i dont get why they couldnt have just delayed it a few more months if they needed more time.

the 127s DO need a career refresh. wayv and especially dream both feel fresh and interesting at the moment even with dream currently promoting a 90s cover song. their concepts feel distinctive and characteristic of their respective subunits and both have progressively evolved over time in a way that makes sense. 127's concept just feels stale :/ i think the 2 baddies concept photos were ALMOST THERE with the jack henry inspired photography especiallyyy his rosalía pics and rob pat pics for gq. i think they could have really pushed the visuals. i would LOVE to see 127 with a bit more edge to them. and instead of worrying about staying as pretty as possible. theyre already pretty they dont need to worry about that. i want to see them be INTERESTING and PUSH THE BOUNDARIES for whats the norm in kpop ok i have a vision. dpr ian is a wonderful example of what im talking about, though i would like to see 127 go with a bit more editorial/futuristic/luxury branding.

also look at some of the other pics from those shoots im obsessed

there are also some really great korean photographers too who have done really interesting work that i think would fit 127 like:

cho gi-seok, an icon. everyone knows cgs! and for a reason! i especially love their matrix inspired series it would be sooo good for 127 but their other futuristic/tech shoots are perfect for 127 too

pakbae is also great and while they focus more on fashion photography, they do occasionally work with idols for magazines. i love that they always throws a few interesting and unexpected images

go won tae has done plentyy of idol photoshoots that you would probably recognize.

less, aka kim taekyun, my tried and true. has also worked with a bunch of idols and with sm for superm and solo taemin and baekhyun concept photos in the past. i also love his editorial shoots but i'll just show some of the work he's done with sm. i think he could do something REALLY interesting if only sm would allow it

#ask

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lilastromama · 3 years

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The Signs and their toxic trait(s)

gemini: Using people. This doesnt mean they dont love/like u, they just see what u can offer to them as an "extra jackpot"

pisces: the stereotypes say it and im usually not a fan of those, but its just quite true: playing the victim/double standards. "I can do X but u cant do the same because i would be mad about that"

Capricorn: judging people and still being good with them. They could rant about you day and night and would still chill with you the next morning

Aquarius: Not setting boundaries/not communicating their feelings and needs, and THEN getting mad about it because they feel "misunderstood" - They say "X" but really mean "Y" - but u have to find that out for yourself

Virgo: always wanting to be the best at everything/their individuality complex. If they buy a shirt and u ask them where they got it from. best believe they will lie to you about it

Libra: This one might not be toxic towards other people, but toxic to themselves. Libras tend to always put others needs over their own and feel lost and drained after - but somehow "dont know" why

Taurus: needing reassurance and asking for others opinions in an unhealthy way, to the point they would choose someone elses opinion over their own. "Do u think x looks good" / "do u think i should do "x" / "do you think.." - Dear taurus, UR opinion matters. if YOU want to do something, do it without asking others

aries: being confident, but their confidence is really not real. Theyre insecure deep down but wont ever show you. Instead, they put up a fake face and overplay it real good - sadly to the point theyre slowly losing themselves in the act. Also theyre love-language is often just being mean

scorpio: wanting to radiate dominance to the point they go out of their way to make u feel as if u were below them. They maybe make it seen like a joke - even if they really mean that.

Leo: crossing boundaries and going a long way for some validation. If ure in a group of friends and one of them is a leo - or you even are one yourself: u might notice how they make "jokes" and say things to intentionally hurt you, just to have those 5 minutes of fame where everybody laughs in the group

Cancer: The same as with aquas, they dont talk about their feelings. Also when theyre mad, theyre going to say things that hurt u like a bitch, and they mean every single thing they said

sagittarius: attention-seeking. Sagittarius is one of the kinds to intentionally bring up things that will make u be worried about them, also for the fame of it.

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gentil-minou · 2 years

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Hi this is a personal ask please feel free to ignore this if you dont want to respond I will take no offense and completely understand.

This is both rant and more of an absolute no idea what to do so resources would help situation.

My best friend is probably depressed, and ive been the only person who cares enough to help them with it. Our friends have turned their back in one way or another and our families have basically said deal with it on your own. So I cant go to anyone for help, i talk to a few people a little bit abt taking care of my friend but theyre not people who can physically help us. My problem is just I’m running out of patience and im frusterated and stressed and upset. I dont blame my friend for any of their problems and im trying my absolute best to take care of them while taking care of myself but im running out of steam and I dont have any way to safely recharge without hurting them? Cuz if i take a break there is no one willing to step in so that I can recharge and come back to help. My friend is aware that I do need to take breaks but they arent exactly in the mindset to realize well how much Im stretching myself to help.

A lot of the resources ive looked at say: find a support group! Except I cant turn to my friends or family for this so I dont know what my other options are, I would absolutely love any resources that might help.

Hey anon, this isn't too personal or triggering so don't worry i will do my best.

First of all, I want to praise you for trying your best all this time to support your friend, but most of all I'm so so so proud of you for recognizing when you are reaching your limits. You're doing so much for your friend, and it's amazing but can be something so taxing. And speaking as someone who was like your friend, they are likely so grateful for you even if they don't show it, and maybe they don't realize how scared you must be but I think one day they will.

I talked about ways to find support for yourself when you don't have access to therapy here:

But in your case the thing I need to say is: dont be afraid to get an adult or parents or counselor or even in the worst case call them an ambulance.

You didn't mention your age but when a client comes to me with this sort of thing the first thing I tell them is to tell an adult like a school counseolr/teacher or even your/their parents. This might seem really scary, because it feels like a breech of trust but that means nothing when someone's life is on the line.

Second, encourage your friend to get professional support and explain her you've been feeling. Let them know, with as much love and care as possible, "I love you and I really want to help you, but I need to take care of myself too. How can I help you get the help you need?"

I once had a friend sit with me as I made my first therapy appointment. That friend also held my hand and walked with me to that appointment, and then waited for me outside. And that was the best help o ever got. Let your friend know you want to help them and show them that you can. Sit with them on voice chat while they call the therapist. Wait outside the counselors office. Do all that you can to help them, but most of all let yourself and them acknowledge that you aren't the one who can help them but that you can still be there for them by being their friend.

Finally, search for "crisis services near me". Show them to your friend and encourage them to call thoae hotlines (the natuonal suicide hotline has saved my life multiple times). Next time they go to you for support and its too much for you, let them know and tell them "hey I'm going to call them and sit with you while you talk to them."

The line between friend and therapist can get blurry, but that's why it's important to set your boundaries. And remember that you need to care for yourself first of all.

#sorry if this was too rambly #i really do wish you all the best darling #even i make sure to limit how often i check my voicemail/email when im off the clock #you arent trained to be a therapist and you shouldnt have to be #mental health #asked and answered #tw 'depression'#tw 'burnout'

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wqk-k · 3 years

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Obey Me Brother react to an idol!MC

hi this is my first set of headcanons for the brothers 👉👈 i apologize if the brothers are ooc in this, though i tried my best jksajdufhj. i hope you enjoy!

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Warning(s): Cursing

Reader Pronouns: They/Them (4A)

Background: MC is a very popular idol in their world, best known for their impressive singing skills, music and the amount of rewards they have recieved because of their talents. Surprisingly, they aren’t only popular in their world, but in the Devildom and Celestial Realm as well.

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Lucifer

since lucifer didnt actually read who you were on the paper that had blown to his feet, he had no idea you were an idol at first

but after couple days at RAD, he noticed that random demons kept coming up to you in between classes and didnt leave until the next class started

most of them had come up to you with a pen and some paper asking for your autograph

he was just like ???

after a while of this happening luci decided to just ask you straight up why they were coming up to you like that and you had told him you were an idol back in the human realm

that explains it

he honestly doesnt mind

if people start hating on you in public, he’ll honestly just shoot them a death glare and it works

so damn well

he got too much pride to deal with those underlings

if you start working on music/mv projects that you left off on in the human realm (like shooting mv or singing) he will absolutely rent you a recording booth or fuck, even a whole ass theatre if you needed it

sometimes he likes to sit in the recording booth and listen to you sing for a bit before returning to his stacks of mammon’s bills

v proud of you dont get him wrong

but he will make sure you’ve done all your homework first LMAO 🛌

Mammon

when mammon first found out you were an idol he started digging through boxes that had been in his closet

after what seemed like hours he finally found the box he was looking for and he started to dig through it

he pulled out an old camera that levi gave him a couple hundred years ago bc he said he didnt need it

mammon had the best idea ever, he could sell pictures of you to your fans for at least 10,000 grimm each.

surprisingly it worked

like really well

so well that you found out

you confronted him about it, saying that you find hella uncomfy with him snapping pictures of you at random times. not only that but it was an invasion of your privacy

despite him earning so much grimm, he agrees to stop but keeps some of the pictures to himself to look at when he misses you

if you get hate in public he’ll turn into his demon form and scare the person away, maybe scaring you in the procees but apologizes right away if he does

if you start working on music/mv projects he’ll offer to help you shoot mvs or record you singing if you need the help

just make sure he gets some credit for helping you

but he genuinely thinks you look amazing in anything, like anything

you could be wearing a big bird cosplay and he’ll think you look breathtaking

gets you to model w him sometimes

Leviathan

wait you look really familiar

really really familiar

you almost look and sound like that one really popular human idol that hes simped for time and time again

wait

oh shit

v embarrassed when he finds out it is actually you and gets really nervous when hes talking to you

is the demon asking for your autograph

but you have no idea how much power you have over this man

you could tell him to come out of his room and he’d come out with ease, no protesting, no nothing

may ask you to record a ringtone for him for when he wakes up

even after months of you two knowing each other, he still gets flustered when you start talking to him with your stupid cute ass eyes and your perfect hair and your perfect voice and your perfect-

yeah you get the point AKJSDKLASFBG

if you get hate in public he will deadass growl at the person before escorting you to your favorite ice cream place

if you start working on music/mv projects he will be by your side 24/7

he wants to see the god/ess themselves at work

hes like your personal butler for the time youre working on the projects and its adorable

hes bby

Satan

when he finds out youre an idol he will 100% voulenteer to help you write lyrics for your next song

but besides that, like luci, he really doesnt mind

he hears some other demons talking shit about you after art class and he’ll be angy as usual, but after stomping off and accidentally bumping into you he just

turned into puddy??

idk what it was but it was something abt they way your hair was a lil messed up and looking at him like that wish a small embarrassed look

just wow

every ounce of anger just evaporated while you apologized over and over again because the face he was making made him look like he was angry for some reason

when he snaps back into reality he says its cool but then asks if youd like to go to the library w him because honestly youre his safe haven now

sometimes he asks you to hum a tune for him when hes reading

if the demons start hating again, you may need to hold him back KJASNDJFG

if you start working on music/mv projects, again, will voulenteer for helping with lyrics

if you already have the lyrics down he’ll review them and give constructive critisisim if needed

or he’ll just write every lyric himself and you can judge it after hes done

Asmodeus

is not surprised at all

hes actually heard some of your songs and damn id he doesnt have them on his “on repeat” playlist on devilfy

he thinks you have an outstanding voice, not only that but youre a gorgeous lookin thing

asmo likes to hit on you a lot because he likes to see that flustered look on your face but he would never over your boundaries

he wouldnt want to be over the internet bc he made one of the most praised artists in devildom (thats not even a demon) angry

asmo doesnt want to be cancelled yet JKSJKDGFUA

but seriously, he thinks youre amazing

like really amazing

there like no lust involved in his admiration for you he just geniunely thinks youre cool

but he does think you look amazing 24/7

will ask you to model things for him for devilgram

if you get hate in public, he’ll hold your hands and shower you with compliments and tells you to ignore them

if you start working on music/mv project he will insist on doing backup vocals or being a backup dancer

or like the head backup dancer or whatever theyre called

is like your personal stylist wherever you go as well

along with that he can also help you come up with a beat for your song if you need one, he is more than happy to help someone like you

Beelzebub

he honestly thinks youre really cool

asmo showed him one of your songs before and thought it sounded really catchy

not only that, you sounded beautiful, almost like you were actually from the celestial realm, consider him a fan

so when you showed up for the new exchange program he was surprised but got really giddy

was one of the demons who asked for your autograph

you gave him a sweet smile after he asked and he just- melted

man down man down

will want to spend lost of time with you and take you to ristorante six on fridays as his treat

you usually end up paying though which he feels really guilty about but you tell him its fine

youre an idol who is loaded to the chest, youve got nothing to lose KLSKADJHF

if you get hate in public he’s also the type to death glare but people dont really hate on you in public when youre w him bc he has a naturally scary aura

lowkey thought you wouldnt like him at first :(

if you start working on mv/music projects he’ll start cooking you meal and making sure you get enough water

will absolutely cook your favorite meal- or any meal in fact- if you request it

if you dont request anything he’ll just wing it and make something he think you’ll like kjskdhsf

Belphegor

couldnt care less 🧍

he thinks your voice is pretty nice tho

hears beel listening to your music once and agrees w him on you having a really nice voice

lowkey sing him to sleep

like its super cute

plus he thinks youre gorgeous?? like wow you rlly pretty

once tried rubbing your face bc he thought you were wearing makeup but when nothing came up on his thumb he muttered a small “wow” and hugged you

it was the cutest thing ever ohmy god KJSJDSIF

ever since that day hes obtained a habit of rubbing your face when he finds you stunning or at random moments

if you get hate in public he will literally murder the person?? but in like an alleyway or something

he’ll say something like “wait here” and walks toward a dark area to do his thang

when he comes back he’s covered in this red shit and you worry for him but he just glosses over it and takes you into a pillow shop LMAO

he is v protective over you

if you start working on mv/music projects he’ll occasionally help out but most of the time he’s sleeping so he doesnt really care

sometimes he’ll give beat/lyric suggestions or help flim the mv but thats it 🧍

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#obey me!#obey me #obey me headcanon #obey me headcanons #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me levi #obey me leviathan #obey me satan #obey me asmo #obey me asmodeus #obey me beel #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphie #obey me belphegor

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nabtime · 4 years

Photo

Hold My Broken Hands, Ignite My Burning Heart

1h27min/25 songs that make me think of Tododeku in different ways

Fire - Diskopunk // Out of My League - Fitz and The Tantrums // Aawake at Night - halfalive // Bad Liar - Selena Gomez // Collide - Howie Day // Falling For U - Peachy!, mxmtoon // Crush - Tessa Violet // Would You Be So Kind - dodie // Please Notice - Christian Leave // I See You - MISSIO // Talk Too Much - COIN // Tongue Tied - Grouplove // When the Day Met the Night - Panic! at the Disco // First Day of My Life - Bright Eyes // Home to You - Sigrid // Fall On Me - A Great Big World // Grow As We Go - Ben Platt // Two - Sleeping at Last // High Hope - Patrick Droney // Talk to Me - Cavetown // Sunkissed - khai dreams // I Do Adore - Mindy Gledhill // Pink in the Night - Mitski // Laundry Room - The Avett Brothers // Brand New Day - Kodaline

explanations for song choice under the cut ! its looooong

Fire - “When I saw you a fire / Started in my heart / I looked at you again / Yeah, you've burned from the start”

Every tododeku fic youve ever read has a moment like this or a moment similar. izuku has to light shouto on fire either metaphorically or literally. “It’s your power, isn’t it?” This song is for that. its about a spark that ignites between them, whatever the catalyst, and sets the world around them ablaze (wonder, gratitude, amazement, relief, an all-encompassing light and bubbly feeling that leaves them stunned and in love)

Out of My League - “You were out of my league / Got my heartbeat racing / If I die, don't wake me / 'Cause you are more than just a dream”

both of these idiots, at one point or another, think that the other one is out of their league. Izuku is far too cute and personable and an over all sunshine beacon and obviously he is far too good of a person to ever be in Todoroki’s league and Todoroki is far too beautiful and composed and an over all competent badass to ever be in Midoriya’s league

Aawake at Night - “ Alone in a crowded room / My eyes will search for you / Abandoned by my company / I'll search for what's in front of me / And hope that I find something new”

a tribute to those fics where Midoriya and Todoroki meet at a party. where they lock eyes and everything begins from there bc damn if they hadn’t just spotted the hottest person theyd ever seen. its about those fics where theyre both awkward wallflowers finding solidarity in not wanting to be at this party that their friends dragged them and abandoned them in

Collide - “ I'm open, you're closed / Where I follow, you'll go / I worry I won't see your face / Light up again / Even the best fall down sometimes / Even the wrong words seem to rhyme / Out of the doubt that fills my mind / I somehow find / You and I collide”

what is this an early 20s comedy show that has its surprisingly deep/romantic subplot moments? absolutely and there’s noting you can do about it. its about Midoriya punching Todoroki with friendship and then showing him via the dekusquad how to be a person and that friendship slowly evolving into love. its about Midoriya being fumbling and awkward sometimes bc this is the first time hes ever had friends or a crush that he actually talks to?? on a regular basis?? and even though getting together is a clumsy mess they still come together

Bad Liar - “ Oh I'm tryin' / Not to think about you / With my feelings on fire / Guess I'm a bad liar “

Theyre gay and trying to repress their feelings and thankfully its not really working out for them. its about the boys trying so so hard to not be in love with the other for whatever reasons the fic has (he’s my best friend and i dont wanna ruin it, obviously he doesnt like me like that, my father would kill him, etc etc) and failing miserably.

Falling For U - “ I didn't wanna believe my feelings for you / I didn't wanna believe that I could lose you / If I told you just how I felt “

Gay repression and mutual pining take 2 ! but also including That Moment when oh everything comes together and oh my goodness im in love ?? and Midoriya cant believe the world is crashing down around him and Todoroki has set himself on fire and theyre both so dense and suffering from so much emotional trauma but here they are, in love.

Crush - “ You make it difficult to not overthink / And when I'm with you I turn all shades of pink, ah / I wanna touch you but don't wanna be weird / It's such a rush, I'm thinking wish you were here, ah-ahh “

doesnt matter when the fic is set, if theyre teenagers or adults, these boys are the epitome of puppy love crushes and blushes and fumbled awkward words and gestures and not quite knowing what to do with their feelings and theyre both so anxious about and its always such a relief to find out that its all mutual but still, having that crush is always like being hit over the head with affection

Would You Be So Kind - “ Oh would you be / So kind / As to fall in love with me, you see / I'm trying / I know you know that I like you / But that's not enough / So if you will / Please fall in love “

oooo its about that sweet sweet mutual pining that they both thing will forever remain unrequited and that yearning for the other to love just as much as them. its about the boys falling into daydreams about what it would be like if their feelings were mutual. its about that first fumbling confession maybe where its either todoroki being blunt or midoriya finally scraping together his courage and always always saying “its okay if you dont feel the same, we can forget this and still be friends, but i need you to know...” and its about hoping, hoping so much, that they wont stay friends and that maybe, if the other takes the chance, he’ll fall in love too (even tho he’s already there) its about skirting the edge of friendship and pushing boundaries into the romantic hoping that it sparks something (even tho it already has) its about fake dating with a crush and never demanding that the other not fall in love (bc maybe theres hope)

Please Notice - “ Do you know how in love with you / I am / Do you see how in love with you / I am / Every thing that you do, it makes my heart stop / Oh, it stops / And baby when you sleep, do you dream of me? “

its about that hope again. its about midoriya staying up so late at night overthinking everything hes ever done and wondering if todoroki is just humoring him bc his crush on the other is just so so obvious and it feels so awful to know that hes so obvious and todoroki is just playing along and he wonders if todoroki really knows how much he loves him. its about todoroki in his own room, worrying about the same thing. its about noticing the little things about each other. its about already knowing a whole host of secrets and knowing its okay to trust themselves to the other. its about midoriya noticing everything about todoroki and detailing all his little ticks and favorite things in his notebooks and hoping that todoroki notices just as many things about him, wanting the other to feel the same depth of feelings. its about todoroki becoming more and more emotionally aware (heroes can cry too) and noticing everything about midoriya and thinking hes just cataloging everything he’d need to take down a rival but do you really need to know all of someones different smiles in order to fight them?

I See You - “ I'm alone with you / You're alone with me / And I'm hoping that you will see yourself / Like I see you / Yes, I see you “

its about mutually loving each other even in the hard times, even in the sad times. its about that sweet sweet hurt/comfort that the both of them inevitably have to have bc of the trauma each of them have faced either in their childhood or together as heroes. its about being able to see through the masks that they both have whether it be a stoic one or a smile. its about hoping that the other will see their own inherent worth past their hurting and understand why they love them. its about hoping the other will see how much they love them

Talk Too Much - “ You know I talk too much / Honey, come put your lips on mine and shut me up / We could blame it all on human nature / Stay cool, it's just a kiss / Oh, why you gotta be so talkative? / I talk too much, we talk too much “

a cute and silly song about midoriya being overly talkative bc hes a little chatterbox and we all know that todoroki loves it but sometimes it get a little frustrating when he wants kisses instead of the fifty-third rant about all mights golden age costume design (really todo it was a brilliantly done color scheme and- and the symbolism!) and maybe sometimes even midoriya would rather be kissing than talking too

Tongue Tied - “ I loved you then and I love you now / Oh yeah / Don't take me tongue tied / Don't wave no goodbye “

kinda debated about whether or not this one fit enough to keep but its a bop so it stays. its mostly the tongue tied part of the lyrics that apply bc both the boys get a little mixed up and tongue tied when it comes to talking to each other when theyre in love and crushing hard ( mostly midoriya but todoroki too)

When the Day Met the Night - “ When the moon fell in love with the sun / All was golden in the sky / All was golden when the day met the night “

do i really need to day more than sun and moon motif tododeku? its about izuku bringing warmth back to shoutos life and shouto being a steady gentle presence for izuku. its about izuku being able to light up a room and shouto being full of radiant grace and the two coming together as opposites in harmony

First Day of My Life - “ Yours was the first face that I saw / I think I was blind before I met you / And I don't know where I am, I don't know where I've been / But I know where I want to go / And so I'd thought I'd let you know / Yeah, these things take forever, I especially am slow / But I realized that I need you / And I wondered if I could come home “

we’re getting into the really mushy gushy songs that make me sigh like a lovelorn maiden or something. i love this one for tododeku especially with the sports festival in mind as a sort of awakening. like shouto had only just realized what it was like to fully live for himself bc of izuku. izuku really opened up a path for him and guided him out of his misery into a brand new life full of acceptance and love. and shouto was there to return that love tenfold to izuku who hadnt really ever felt such devotion before. its about finally realizing that they can be so good together. its about wanting to come home to each other

Home to You - “ But I see the world so different now / But there's a place by the sea and that's my town / When I don't know what to say / When I don't know what to do / There's a room I need to sit in / Surrounded by my favorite view / When I need a hand to hold / Someone to tell the truth / Would it be okay if I came home to you? “

One of my favorite ooey gooey songs about coming home and finding solace in another, which is just so perfect for tododeku. i love it when shouto feels like izuku is his home. that hes never felt like he truly belonged anywhere before he started belonging in izukus arms, holding his hand, and loving him. i feel like they would be good for settling each others doubts and fears. izuku worries that hes not good enough, that he needs to do more in whatever hes doing, that he will once again be found useless. but shouto is no nonsense enough to tell him straight that hes enough, hes wonderful, and already does so so much that its astounding and izuku cant help but to believe him. and when shouto starts to think hes like his father too much in the wrong way, starting to doubt is path in life, or thinks that his trauma makes him too difficult to deal with. but izuku is far too open and loving and shouto knows hes far too good to ever let shouto be what he fears most and izuku is there to remind him of all the good things hes done to earn that love. its about both of them being emotionally repressed in different ways and not knowing what to do or what to say but finding a way to communicate with each other anyway.

Fall On Me - “ Fly like a cannonball straight to my soul / Tear me to pieces and make me feel whole / I'm willing to fight for it / To feel something new / To know what it's like to be sharing a space with you “

there can be a lot of challenges for the boys depending on the setting their relationship takes place in; shouto’s father always plays a role, kacchans attitude whether a constant interference or a ghost of izuku’s past, acceptance from the outside world, acceptance from friends and family, power imbalance (shoutos a prince and izukus a servant/knight/random adventurer) and a whole host of fic specific issues. this is about falling in love with each other despite them all, this is about begging each other to fall despite the dangers, this is about fighting to be together anyway. this is about finding an impossible love that shocks your soul and embracing it with all your heart.

Grow As We Go - “ I don't know who we'll become / I can't promise it's not written in the stars / But I believe that when it's done / We're gonna see that it was better / That we grew up together / Tell me you don't wanna leave / 'Cause if change is what you need / You can change right next to me / When you're high, I'll take the lows / You can ebb and I can flow / We'll take it slow / And grow as we go “

you know some of those fics that hurt good bc mostly izuku but sometimes also shouto decide that their hero careers need to come first and that having a relationship would only interfere with that despite the fact that they love each other a lot? this is the song that plays when they realize that’s not true and come together and decide to be together anyway and that theyll be stronger for it. its about growing together as a couple as well as separately and still loving each other even through the changes. its about rising through the ranks together. learning about the world, together. and its about taking on any challenge thrown at them. together. growing, changing, loving.

Two - “ I know exactly how the rule goes / Put my mask on first / No, I don't want to talk about myself / Tell me where it hurts / I just want to build you up, build you up / 'Til you're good as new / And maybe one day I will get around to fixing myself too / Like a force to be reckoned with / A mighty ocean or a gentle kiss / I will love you with every single thing I have / Like a tidal wave, I'll make a mess / Or calm waters, if that serves you best / I will love you without any strings attached “

listen listen this song is so so so good for tododeku like look at those lyrics i just wanna cry about it. its about highlighting the flaws that can happen in their relationship when theyre both trying to fix the other more than to help themselves (especially izuku like baby boy please) its about making the promise to love each other unconditionally bc neither have really had that before outside of their moms? (and shoutos sibs) love without strings attached (doesnt matter if you were quirkless, doesnt matter if youre not the number one hero, doesnt matter that youve been through so much trauma ill help you and love you anyway) both of them striving to be the best fit for the other either a tidal wave or calm waters, eaither righteous fury or gentle love and its about just being so so thankful that they love each other even through the hard times

High Hope - “ Know you're coming from a bad place / Honey, I was there just yesterday / So I know the time it's gonna take / For you to feel like you again / And I'll be here if you need me / If you don't, just know / I've got a high, high, high, high hope “

this about past trauma and shared trauma and healing both on their own and together and knowing their relationship can weather through it all. this is about izuku comforting shouto through everything about his father and his family and the feelings that dredge up when someone asks about endeavor and its about shouto helping izuku through his complicated relationship with katsuki and how he flinches when a villain says his hero name in just the wrong tone. its about izuku covering shoutos scar with kisses and its about shouto tracing his fingers along the scar tissue on izukus hands. its about being patient and waiting and helping each other through times that feel like just too much to handle.

Talk to Me - “ You don't have to be a hero to save the world / You don't have to be a prodigy to be unique / You don't have to know what to say or what to think / You don't have to be anybody you can never be / That's alright, let it out, talk to me “

its about both of them living up to the high expectations placed on their shoulders and telling each other that theyre enough. that izuku doesnt have to be the next symbol of peace exactly like all might. that shouto doesnt have to be the number one hero exactly like his father. its about encouraging each other to talk even though their both bad at it; izuku mumbles and stutters and takes forever to get to the point and shouto takes a long time to say what hes thinking and form it all into words and sometimes he still cant find the right ones. but shouto is patient and so is izuku.

Sunkissed - “ So slowly a sunlit dream pulls me out of sleep / Feel the morning through the blinds / I turn my head to meet your sunkissed face / In this quite place I can give you all my time “

the ooiest and gooiest and again with all the sunlight that always used as a lovely motif. izuku is always lit up like the sun and shoutos hair always catches the light just so. its about finding each other and falling into a home and comfort together and being disgustingly in love with each other. its about the comfort that comes after the hurt and being happy and being at peace with each other

I Do Adore - “ When you're near, I hide my blushing face / And trip on my shoelaces / Grace just isn't my forté / But it brings me to my knees when you say / Hello, how are you, my darling, today? / I fall into a pile on the floor / Puppy love is hard to ignore / When every little thing you do, I do adore “

ah another cute to emphasize that both the boys are dorks and sometimes even when theyve established that they like each other they cant help but combust into blushing messes. its about how sometimes shouto still lights himself on fire when izuku has a rare bout of confidence and really zuku that was very bold and my heart cant take it and about how shouto can still shock izuku speechless with a few well timed kisses

Pink in the Night - “ I could stare at your back all day / And I know I've kissed you before, but / I didn't do it right / Can I try again, try again, try again / Try again, and again, and again “

izukus got a nice strong back and so does shouto (theyre heroes of course they cut a nice figure) and sometimes shouto gets lost in daydreams and sometimes izuku does too and its about the soft soft kisses that neither can get enough of. its about the yearning despite finding each other bc sometimes it doesnt feel real and ya gotta kiss again and again just to make sure and honestly its a mitski song what more to you want from me

Laundry Room - “ Don't push me out / Just a little longer / Stall your mother / Disregard your father's words / Close the laundry door / Tiptoe across the floor / Keep your clothes on / I've got all that I can take / Teach me how to use / The love that people say you made “

theres just so many fics about laundry? what makes doing laundry together so intimate? sharing detergent and smelling like each others clothes? showing a part of yourself to someone else? anyway, its about love and being home with each other and wishing the love will last. its about sometimes things dont end so well and you want to turn back time and sometimes izuku leaves and sometimes shouto runs but most times one or the other comes back and it all hurts but the love again is worth it

Brand New Day - “ I'll be flicking stones at your window / I'll be waiting outside 'til you're ready to go / Won't you come down? Come away with me / Think of all the places we could be / I'll be waiting, waiting on a brand new day “

its about running away together or just traveling the word together or going out on a journey (always together) its about izuku wanting to go to the states for hero work or about prince shouto needing to complete a quest to be free of his father and its about izuku not wanting to go without shouto and about prince shouto only loving the journey after picking up a stray green-haired adventurer. its about beginning something new together, its about ending one chapter and starting another.

oh tha t took soooooo long . .. anyway ! hope you enjoyed !!!

#tododeku #todoroki shouto #midoriya izuku #naps mixes

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positivelylgbtq · 5 years

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What things should I talk about when I talk to my girlfriend about romantic touchy-feely boundaries? I just want to make sure that we are both comfortable and I don't really know how to start or have that conversation with her.

hello! jay here!

Well, you’re on the right track! Wanting to talk about this and communicate openly is the first step to making sure everyone is comfortable and respected. My advice is going to focus specifically on romantic boundaries relating to physical affection, but you can apply the same communication structure below to talking about most any boundary.

When it comes to any kind of physical affection, the biggest thing I’ve learned is to ask every time for everything, preferably long before we’re actually doing the activity. Establishing consent before and during any kind of activity is super important, especially if it’s romantic or sexual in nature. I think a good way to start off that conversation is with a simple, “Hey, can I talk to you about something? It’s nothing bad, don’t worry!” If there is a type of affection you’d like to introduce into your relationship, I’d recommend bringing it up. For example, let’s say you’re super into the idea of PDA. Even if that doesn’t seem like something someone might object to to you, you still need to check in with her first before initiating a kiss in public. A good start, in this case, might be to initiate a conversation somewhere safe and in private -- this helps ensure that she’s not pressured or put on the spot. You might say something like, “Hey, so I really like the idea of us kissing in public, but I want to check in and make sure that’s something you’d be comfortable with.” In this scenario, her response could be anything from “heck yes!” to “no, I never want to do that.” A spot in between those two could be something like what I call conditional consent. An example of that, in this scenario, would be, “I’m okay with kissing in public, but only in a room with close friends, and I want you to ask me again every time beforehand, just in case I’m anxious and don’t want to.” Your job, from this point, is to respect whatever her answer is, and not to bring it up again if she’s made it a clear, unconditional no. Disrespecting a “no”, or not following the conditions of her conditional consent, is a violation of her boundaries and a violation of her consent.

This same structure of bringing up a boundary and establishing consent can apply to anything, from introducing new sexual activities to holding hands. It can also be swapped. Let’s say, for example, that you hate the idea of PDA, and you know that you do not want to be kissed in public. So, you might (again, in a safe and private space) say something like, “ Hey, so I really don’t like the idea of being kissed in public, and I just want to let you know so we can establish those boundaries,” or, if you have conditions in which PDA is okay, it might sound something more like, “Hey, so I just want to let you know that in some situations, I’m really uncomfortable with the idea of being kissed in public. I’m okay with it if we’re in a really dark space and you ask first, but otherwise, I don’t want you to kiss me when there are other people around.” Her response needs to be something along the lines of “okay, cool!” or “sounds good!” She might also ask for clarification or ask you questions about the specifics of your boundaries to make sure she respects your boundaries, especially if they’re conditional boundaries, and and that’s more than okay! (that’s encouraged!) -- but if she tries to argue with, push, or convince you to change your boundaries in any way, that’s a violation of your consent. If she says anything along the lines of “sounds good!” at the time, but then ignores your boundaries or argues with them later on, that’s a violation of your consent.

I also highly encourage you to have these types of conversations in person. I know it’s harder to bring up conversations about consent when you’re actually talking to someone in person -- that’s actually why I think it’s so important that you do it in person. If you’re only able to talk to someone about their (and your!) consent to activities between a barrier of a screen or phone because talking in person about it feels too awkward, overwhelming, or uncomfortable, then you’re not ready to be doing activities that require that level of consent. If you don’t feel like you can have a conversation about consent and boundaries in person, in a casual, conversational way, then you won’t feel like you can revoke consent or assert your own boundaries in person in a scenario where you might feel unintended pressure, and that’s a potentially dangerous situation to be in.

Most importantly, create an environment of open communication between you and your girlfriend, where both of you feel comfortable bringing up your boundaries, no matter the circumstance. A romantic relationship should be an environment where it is easy to withdraw consent, and establish boundaries. Any relationship where it feels like you can’t do those things is not a healthy or safe one.

Stay safe, take care of yourself, and I wish lots of healthy boundary setting and open communication for you and your girlfriend! ❤️

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tiredrobin · 2 years

Note

Robin, thanks for answering all my asks about your OC's, I'm getting a better grip on who they are.

If i get too annoying or you want to set boundaries just tell me so. I'll be glad to oblige.

What can i say? I'd love to be friends with both of them (‘°v°) jeje but probably mess something up at least with Bin, I'm told im very awkward and intense.

I believe you said Bin could be inside a pokeball? How does that happen? So first, how will it end up in the pokemon universe? It manages to use its transportation powers? Will Nib and Bin meet?

I hope Nib gets good support after it finds out Volo's true intentions D: and that both Ingo and Nib can get some kind of comforting resolution to their difficult situation u_u

On the matter of your illustrations, THEY ARE SO COOL, the extra eyes, mouths, teeth 👌👌👌 the angel form is very friend shaped. Oh the change of proportions in the ac character sheet, i know it was probs you trying different styles but it looks like just body just does that.

And Nib, kid, i hope you take it easier, i know too well disappointing people feels horrible but it is impossible to please everyone. It needs a lot of love and support, glad everyone likes it :3

I ended up not sleeping much but i woke up according to schedule! The hyperfixation is hitting harder than ever. I'm even getting back to drawing and recalling how to make plushies.

Just as an aside... I think I'm liking being referred in a neutral or genderless manner so that's NEW.

Have a verrrry nice day! Take good care of yourself ;)

Nuggie out!

THANKS FOR ALL UR ASKS!!!!11 i love talking about my blorbos and i appreciate that someones interested in them!!! :]

u dont have to worry abt messing things up with bin: they're a weirdo, for sure, and they dont know how People or the World works, but theyre like. also fucking intense in their own way. theyre very point-blank and they are very accepting of others and their Behaviors, they dont mind being asked questions, and theyre very, very good at setting boundaries and respecting them. they have a weird amount of patience, but thats in part because one has to be really patient to deal with them. what im saying is that if anyone might get scared off, its most likely going to be u fhdsfhdshfdsh

YEAH IT WAS DIFFERENT STYLES TOO but hfdsjfhdsjfsd bin can just... Change its body, so even if it takes time and effort its entirely possible it just changes shit up every so often

steeples fingers. i talk ab u in the gender neutral to ppl sometimes too im like "yeah nugget sent another ask theyre my nonnie bestie actually" ehehehehe Discover Gender. also jsyk u can be cis n use gender neutral pronouns too psa psa im not trying to push anything onto u im just always excited whenever anyone diverges from the binary in any way

OK THANKS LOVE U XOXOXOXOX

#robin replies #nugget nonnie

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hereticalapothecary · 6 years

Text

On Vetting Companions

VET YOUR SPIRIT COMPANIONS.

I’m loud about this because I’m passionate. I’ve made mistakes and I’ve seen some really horrible mistakes. This post is meant to teach anyone who wants to have a spirit companion how to vet a spirit that enters your space and asks to be a companion.

This goes doubly for anyone who conjures or helps adopt out spirits or has a spirit refuge.

So, a spirit companion is essentially a lifelong friend. And as with making any friend, human or otherwise, you want to make sure of a few things: is this friend using me? Does this friend respect my boundaries? Does this friend respect my other friends and my space? Does this friend know people who will get me into trouble or will hurt me? In welcoming this friend, would I wind up running with a “bad crowd”? Are we compatible as far as personalities go? These are all things you’d want to know about a friend, and it goes doubly so for spirit companions. You know your limits and what you’re willing to accept. These kinds of questions are just the beginning when it comes to vetting a spirit for companionship.

Where to start?

When I started learning about spirit companionship, I had no idea about vetting. That’s how I basically ended up with some very young spirits as a few of my first companions and had to go back and ask them questions about where they came from. Thankfully, since I have an honesty policy among my companions, they were able to tell me about themselves without much worry about whether or not they were being trutful.

However, if youre meeting a spirit for the first time and vetting them for companionship, you have to be careful. You can’t rely on wards or other spirits. While it is good to get help and second opinions, you have to do the footwork yourself. You need to be able to read their energy and tell the difference between thoughtform and spirit. (More on this later.) You cannot rely on drugs or truth serums to give you accurate information Would you ask your potential new friend to take some drugs in order for you to evaluate if you want to be friends with them? Then don’t do it to a spirit. Plus, you may or may not have made a good or effective truth serum. Some spirits may have a resistance to the kind of magic you used for it. Some may take it and still be able to trick you by telling half truths or dodging certain topics. It may be true for them but it may not be the answer that you’re actually needing from them.

Don’t rely on others or tools to do the hard work of vetting.

Have banishing tools handy. Some spirits are clever enough to slip through even the strongest of wards in order to wreak havoc. Hell, I’ve come across spirits and entities that are strong enough to almost shatter my wards. Don’t assume your wards are working. Be extra thorough.

What to know about the spirit:

I have a form that I use to interview spirits who want to be companions. Start with a list of house rules. If they’re serious about following house rules, they’ll agree. Make it clear that you’re willing to ask them to leave if they don’t meet your qualifications and standards. And if they still stick around, make it clear that youre willing to banish them. You’re essentially going into an interview. Set the tone so they know that this is something important and serious.

Start with their name, pronouns, and age. Some may give you a nickname. Make sure you get their actual, true name. Using nicknames for your companions is fine! (I’d encourage it, especially if you want to post about them.) But it’s incredibly important that you build trust by knowing their name, especially if you have to kick them out later.

Follow up by asking more questions. Read their energy while you do so. Are you seeing any red flags? Hesitancies? You’ll want to know where they come from and why theyre even interested in companionship. Not every spirit who passes through your area is a spirit who wants companionship. Make sure that they have a good reason for being a companion. Ask about their species, especially if it’s a species you’ve never encountered before. (You’ll want to follow up on that. Some spirits are willing to lie about their species in order to make you think they’re cool or special or that you’re cool or special.) Ask about their families. Do they come from a place where spirits of their species are primarily solitary, or is there a family group setup? Why would they want to leave that for companionship?

Ask about their ideal family size. Some spirits are shy or need a little extra attention and require a small spirit family size. Others like having a lot of other spirits around. This is important to know because if your spirit family size changes, you’re going to need to make sure the rest of your family is comfortable. Ask if they want to be bound to a vessel. Not every spirit does. Some have trauma related to bindings. Do not bind a spirit without their enthusiastic consent. And if you dont feel experienced enough to bind, don’t. A painful binding is far, far worse, and I’ve seen spirits with scars from badly done bindings.

Ask about their likes and dislikes! What kinds of magic are they good at, if any? Do they have any sort of dietary restrictions or special preferences? What is their overall personality like? Are they seeking a romantic relationship or just a familial bond? (This is very important! You can say no to a spirit who wants romantic or sexual relationships with you.)

Here’s the thing/ Some spirits will put on their “interview clothes” so to speak. They aren’t lying, but perhaps they’re just not talking about flaws or problems they might have because they want you to say yes to companionship. Ask about their weaknesses. Follow up on these questions! Ask them again later to see if they are consistent.

Health Checkup

You’ll want to do a health checkup. Any major scars or injuries? Any mental health problems? Any disabilities? Do they need a prosthetic? Do they have any parasites or major energy blockages? Are they sickly or have a chronic illness? You will want to know everything you can about their health, because you may not be equipped to help take care of a spirit who has a need that you can’t meet. You may already deal with depression and maybe you don’t want a spirit who has their own PTSD or have their own headmates. (Yes, spirits can have their own headmates. Being multiple is not just a human thing.)

Birth control

Astral birth control exists. Please use it.

No seriously, sometimes companions will find mates or have a one night stand. Ask how they feel about birth control. You don’t want to adopt a spirit and then find out that they’ve mated and now you’re not only responsible for one spirit, but all of their kids as well. Spirit midwives exist. Go ask them for birth control so that any babies that happen can at least be planned. Letting companions reproduce without caution is just downright irresponsible and often leads to neglect.

Refernces

So you and your potential companion have made it this far! Now go ask for references. Talk to their community, visit where they come from. Does your sparkle rainbow dragon actually have a species named that, or is it just a bunch of regular dragonsand this one lied to be more impressive? Did they glamour themselves to look shinier? Are they actually a secret homophobe and their community knows it? Or is their community kind of racist? It’s okay to say no to a companion because you don’t want a homophobic/transphobic/racist companion. You can offer to teach them to be better, but you also don’t have to take on that responsibility. Put your investigator hat on. Talk to others who know them well and get other opinions and character references.

Do it all again

You’ll then want to go back and interview them again. Have they been in a health treatment? How are they doing now? How have their answers changed? You’ll want to go back through and check on things again to see if things are still okay.

Thoughtform vs Spirit

Honestly, it’s fine if some of your companions are thoughtforms. You’ll want to vet a thoughtform as thoroughly as you do any other spirit. But if you arent sure, it’s highly recommended that you learn how to tell the difference between thoughtform and spirit. It’s a difficult form of energy reading, but it does get easier with practice. Check the energy ties of the spirit. Not all bindings are bad, and not all energy ties are bad. But double and triple check them. You’ll want to make sure that you’re not projecting or someone hasn’t projected a thoughtform onto an already existing spirit. (Trust me, I’ve seen that happen and it isn’t pretty. The spirit underneath had been neglected since the thoughtform was having its needs met instead and was barely alive. Once the bindings on the thoughtform were undone, the thoughtform itself ceased to exist. Seriously. Check for things like this.) Learn to tell the difference between thoughtform and spirit. Thoughtforms can be fun companions, you’ll just want to know that they are a thoughtform.

Social interactions

See how this potential companion works with your other companions. Are they socially adept? Do they get along well with others? Are there spirit types that they don’t get along with, and for waht reason? Does the spirit have personal social goals? Make sure that this potential companion can fit in with you/your family.

But that sounds so intense!

Yes. It is. And it should be. Vetting needs to take place for at least three months. AT LEAST. And you need to do it consistently. If you’re not willing to do it that consistently every time, then maybe you should rethink your motives and if spirit companionship is right for you. You HAVE to be this thorough every time with every spirit who wants companionship. And frankly, this is the bare minimum. If you want to adopt from a spirit shop, check how long they vet their spirits. Honestly to me it’s almost a warning sign if lots of spirits are posted and adopted out quickly. Do they give you just a sentence or two about the spirit, or are there paragraphs of information about who this spirit is and where they come from and what they like? If the spirit you’ve adopted from a shop doesn’t have much more description than what’s already posted, the spirit hasn’t been vetted long enough and you’ll want to do this process yourself. Hell, vet the spirit shops themselves and see if you trust them. A good spirit shop is a lot more than just lots of “cool” or “new” spirits and a lot of popularity. Do they backtrack when they get criticism? Do they police their own behavior? Do they have an easily understood/accessible way to know their ethics? Do they vet on their own or do they rely on drugs or other spirits to vet potential companions? (If the answer is no to the previous question, then run. Stay away.)

If all this sounds like too much work for you, then take a step back. Review some of the basics of energy work. Practice your skills. Because seriously, a poorly vetted spirit can be downright dangerous if you’re not careful. Vetting is one of the most important aspects of spirit companionship, especially if you do shop work.

#spirit work #spirit companionship #spirit companion #spirit shops #free spirit shop

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safetycloset · 3 years

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i want to be a less bitter person

people have wronged me so many people and i resent them so fucking much and i wont forgive them because i dont think they will ever deserve it. however lately i find myself getting upset thinking about all of it and im kind of over it

so how do i stop being so angry? first i will vent and then i will try to work through it.

i recently blocked c and im so mad it took me so long. he outed me in high school he is super gossipy + has no idea how to mind his business and is the dullest most negative person i have ever met

L is pissing me off she is always angry about something she can be rude to me and even when she isnt being rude i dont think she is very interestint

M is fucking awful im so fucking mad that i let ANYONE treat me that bad ever ever ever i hope she feels really really really guilty she has such a disgusting soul i am so sad that i let her treat me poorly for so long

A was TERRIBLE but im so proud of how i handled him. he said "i know youre a huge lesbian but i love you" and when i told him he needs to give me space he threatened to kill himself, and he then never backed off so i blocked him and i know he struggled a lot after that but i dont give a fuck

Je never respected my boundaries and she thought everything was her business and also her cishet ass tried to tell me that cis is a bad word and that the word queer is ridiculous (not even the slur argument she just was whining about how it was a stupid word) and she guilted me about cutting myself like it was about HER and we werent even close

Ju only talks to me when he's suicidal and it makes me so angry and he doesnt listen to my advice he is so stuck in his mindset there is nothing i can do and i don't even WANT to because we arent even friends at this point im just his suicide hotline (his suicide hotline that muted his contact and doesnt respond anymore)

M2 hit on me a LOT when i was a minor and they were 21 so what the fuck red flag, they were really toxic and sort of stole bits of myself from me like making my trauma their own and also was super condescending to me about how they thought i was immature compared to them but theyre the 21 year old hitting on a 17 year old so what's really up? fucker fuck off younfucking idiot FUCK YOU

M3 made me so angry she was awful to work with she's the one i get worked up about lately because she was the most recent FUCK her i didnt get paid nearly enough to be in the same room as her im so sick of her she is why i quit

honestly even people who i dont hate are bothering me. IB and i are drifting apart and i think we have been for a while, he's very toxic positivity and i just know the connection we once had is gone and now he just comes off as like. he's talking to me like im a child and it drives me crazy i hate it so much. B recently like texted me after like eight months of not having spoken and is jumping back into "i love you" and pretending he knows me i cant stand it. im probably forgetting someone but it's fine

ok this part i will try to figure out how to move on. y, you are hurting yourself right now. you dont have to forgive anyone and you can and should set boundaries and cut ties, but once you do then it's over and you dont have to worry. if you block someone, they wont be out of your life until you let go of the anger and sorrow. once you let go, your mind and heart will have room for something better! and your experience has given you the knowledge and tools to make things better in the future. and you also have good relationships now!! appreciate those because you know that they are hard to come by. everyday you have the chance to make life better for yourself and you make progress again and again. i love you, you can do this.

#self harm tw

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unproduciblesmackdown · 6 years

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How do u feel about Eno from MonsterKind?

closes book & spins around in chair—oh! didnt see you there. well i’m glad you asked. sets down cup i was drinking from.

tldr i quietly cherish him. i figure it is not exactly his best look right now but i would be surprised if it was to turn out he is/was secretly evil & trying to work against everybody the whole time lmao…..honestly i figured that things were doomed in this way when kip said he trusts eno the most…….that can’t go unpunished. rip

but it is also an endorsement that he must’ve been top quality all this time if kip trusts him that much. i doubt its as Misguided as just being taken advantage of. no idea what the broader con here needs to further take advantage of re: kip….the fact that ppl listen to him whether he likes it or not? or that he can probably survive mad low temps? if he was assumed to die back in the day then the latter seems somewhat relevant one way or another. but i am too dumbassed to make good guesses w/little info

anyways i’m kind of assuming…that eno does sort of have suspicions or straightforward knowledge abt what happened behind the scenes, & its being confirmed just by kip saying there’s some link b/w wallace & the investigation of yore…like, i know i just said im dumb as hell & my guesses are bad, but i’d guess eno thinks that their inside info getting out elsewhere was via himself, not yumi, despite what he said. or even technically if it couldve been yumi i think he thinks it was his own fault. and its not surprising he wouldnt bring up his own suspicious abt his self involvement because like after everything went to shit & the entire project seemingly destroyed, there’s not much relevance to investigating how it happened if nobody plans to be involved. and it would be a little awkward then & now for him to tell kip he thinks he may have been involved in the downfall, even if inadvertently…hm

like……it would be nice if he had secretly developed some kind of assassin level knife throwing skills in the past years. wouldnt it always be. but honestly kip was fuckt the whole time…….nobody seems to be threatening anyone else with knives but i guess if some shadow organization that murders at whim & unhindered shows up & makes threatening demands, the implication is that anyone could be killed, even if some people get to stay alive for the moment just for the sake of pushing them to do something or other thats convenient for whatever latest death plot is underway

e.g. i’m not sure what the point is of purposefully trying to put kip on alert besides having him fall back on eno even more than he would without bringing up that specific threat

but really besides the “well i’m already resigned to someone stabbing kip in the gut while killing everyone he knows in front of him w/promises to kill everybody else too” factor of it all (im not really but—) another reason i cant be that mad is b/c i am also resigned to the fact that wallace is basically in the same kind of position eno was, of an accidental accessory to secret murder

b/c it would truly be a twist if wallace WAS actually in on it the whole time lol….but i doubt it. but the fact remains that he is definitely unwittingly a pawn of the devil!! this wouldnt be a problem if, marxism. anyways the thing is that i really, really doubt that wallace will smoothly learn of whats actually going on before anyone else knows or anyone gets fucked over and be able to gently reveal this to everyone in ways that nobody feels betrayed or breaks their trust with him. i am not even sure how that would be possible…..it is basically inevitable that wallace will have to be exposed as connected to this whole secret society of nightmares, and nobody really knows wallace well enough to be certain that he actually didnt know. and really, the fact that he Doesn’t know doesnt change the fact that he is in fact a part of it and facilitating it, even tho arguably it isnt quite his fault

tbh im assuming that the reason he’s having to do all of this is that he was willing to be transplanted from a to c, and because of that he is like totally clueless about like….everything. he presumably has no idea the kinda shit everyone around him is worrying about like all the time lol & wouldnt know not to try to push past those boundaries. but he can’t exactly be asked to do anything that much different from what he’s doing now / anything too clearly Heinous…besides maybe getting Extra Info or simply making ppl nervous, like making kip think he’s endangered.

coz t.b.h……………i’m not sure that, between kip seeing wallace as harmless and well-intended vs dangerous & ill-intended, the latter is worse? because he is a mix of the two….he doesnt mean any harm but he IS dangerous, technically. not directly thru his own actions quite as much, but still, obviously……kips first impression was basically correct lol rip. i dont think there WAS a way for kip to ever not suspect wallace as being less than purehearted, and of course i also dont think he won’t have to find out that wallace doesn’t want to hurt everybody, but at least he’s a bit on guard about all this fuckery…..even if putting him more on guard is part of some evil plot, which also means its bad…….obviously ideally everyone gets to only ever be best friends and also all be kip’s boyfriends, but i don’t think i my wishes have a tendency to come true, so maybe wait on anticipating that one. in the meantime maybe the inevitable revelation that wallace may have been a double agent will be lessened if kip was holding out for it all along lol. i guess it depends on how much more inadvertent damages wallace’s role is intended to invoke. weird sentence there but i stand by it

basically like dude!! try Knowing Shit instead of not knowing shit!! he may only be an accidental hand of the devil but that doesnt mean he’s totally not working for satan here, so hopefully when he finally realizes the extent of it, he gets to help to right the situation. presumably. idk. but how would anyone know for sure that he never knew what was going on besides trusting that he is not just an excellent actor? i suppose we are in the same situation with eno, huh. despite being given kip’s endorsement, there is only a limited picture of him & then the knowledge that he probably played a part in all the bs w/all these ppl dying. i suppose you can guess that he knew all of what was going on or he didnt or somewhere in between….

basically w/wallace and eno i am assuming that with both itmd a case of well-meaning humans being taken advantage of and accidentally infiltrating these vulnerable circles and sending back information and oh oops, atrocities, and everyone’s dead. i cant imagine that at least kip is meant to survive, and not sure why eno would feel particularly safe on that front either, and clearly any casualties that seem even vaguely necessary can just be carried out at random so you know. bless wallace’s well meaning heart that doesnt know shit but like still, if ppl get fucked over they still have the right to be mad, and if theyre dead theyre still dead, and etc, and also try to learn shit even if it was just a regular, non Agent Of Evil job.

basically what i am trying to say is that im pulling up on my motorbike and telling people that if they’re going to be mad at eno, they ought to be equally condemning of wallace, or that is just inconsistent. like, feel free to either way surely…….i can’t guess that it’d be smooth sailing for eno either if he has to awkwardly divulge that maybe he knows stuff about the whole assassination backstory.

i do wish he had those knife throwing skills for sure…..wish he wasnt being gunpointed into pressuring kip into something or other that surely will endanger him & surely others….but i get why he doesnt exactly seem to have other options at the moment lol. this guy could have assassins all over the block if whatever godforsaken conspiracy is already underway and waistdeep. smh. as i have to assume that he would only endanger kip if he was basically being given a catch 22 of Endanger Kip or Endanger Kip. i suppose he could be doing it solely so he himself won’t be assassinated, but i am personally piecing together that he and kip Are Really in fact That Close & he hasn’t like, faked caring about him this whole time or something

uhhhh tldr i think of him as basically in the same position as wallace, tho to be fair i dont think of wallace as blameless part for not knowing whats going on (like im guessing eno didnt understand until it was too late) and in part because even without the devil he IS just barging in from a in the middle of c & also pursuing audiences w extra vulnerable ppl w/o knowing fuckall (unlike eno who i am also guessing is not from a…)

and perhaps the sole answer to your question as really i was only inferring the part abt asking if eno is suspicious and dubious or not: I Am Fond Of Him Like I Said

what an essay! as all my asks turn out to be!! but i can’t help but theorize. even though i am a dumbass. this is in part because i watched mh for years, and in part because i never assume i’ll still be alive to see any particular plot point in any ongoing media i consume, so i furiously speculate and create au’s in my head and all. for example if i die before its definitely revealed kip doesnt get twenty husbands—which, good luck proving that to me anyways—can anyone tell me he doesnt? no, because i died. so he definitely does. and thats all i have to say on the matter, thank you for tuning in to Milo’s Hour Of Speculation, And Knowing Everyone Is Kip’s Boyfriend

#Whew Uhhhh #long post xoxo

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therealestatesparkblog · 5 years

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5 Habits You Didn't Know Were Essential for Landlording

Theres no such thing as landlord school. Most landlords just do a little reading online and dive right in. Which is fine but it also means many new landlords are ill-prepared for the work of being a successful landlord. Far too many landlords fail to bring a level of professionalism to their landlording side gigs. Sure, this can lead to some irked tenants, but the person who suffers the most is the landlord in the form of shoddy returns. My partner and I teach a property management course to mom-and-pop landlords. Here, we again and again return to a few simple themes. Most of these themes revolve around prevention, discipline, and staying several steps ahead of the irregular-but-expensive events that ruin returns. Here are five habits that landlords need to develop if they want maximum profits and minimum headaches! Related:How to Be a Landlord: Top 12 Tips for Success 1. The Unflinching Enforcer Mindset A few months back I analyzedwhether you should keep your home as a rental or sell itwhen you move. The first thing I talked about? Whether you have the disposition and discipline needed to be a landlord. Tenants will push against your boundaries. Your job as a landlord is to firmly and professionally defend those boundaries. That means enforcing your lease agreement to the letter. Rent doesnt come in on the first? Send an unofficial late-rent reminder. Rent doesnt come in before the legally-mandated grace period ends? Send an official eviction-warning notice. They still dont pay after the required waiting period? File in court for eviction. Youll get sob stories, often with literal sobbing. Many people bend and give their tenants leeway and then they give some more leeway. If you do this, you train your tenants to believe that the rent is not their most urgent bill. So why would they ever pay it on time when they have other bills they need to pay in which excuses are not an option? Enforce your lease agreement and your tenants will know that they cant get away with whatever they want. Theyll know the rent is their highest priority because you will enforce the late fee and evictions. If you cant do that, you will lose all credibility with your tenants. Youre better off investing your money in a REIT. 2. The Discipline to do Recurring, Scheduled Work (Even When it Doesnt Feel Necessary) Landlords have monthly, semi-annual, and annual work they should be doing. As we discussed above, every month you need to stay on top of your tenants about rent. Set reminders on your calendar if need be. Every six months, you need to inspect your rental units. Semi-annual inspections should be written right into your lease agreement. It doesnt feel urgent. Its not a frantic midnight phone call about a burst pipe. So, most landlords dont do it. But again, it comes down to setting expectations with your tenants. Send a loud, clear message that you care about the property, you care about the lease terms, and (if you do it right) you care about the tenants.

Check that they dont have unauthorized people or pets living there. Make sure theyre keeping the property clean. Confirm that theyve changed the air filters. And use that face time to build more of a relationship with your tenants: Ask about their jobs, their kids, their lives. Then, every year, you need to raise the rent. Many landlords wring their hands and fret about it, but the alternative is allowing rents to fall below market value then hitting your tenants with a too-drastic rent hike all at once. Related:I Asked Landlords for Their Best Tips: Here Are 6 Recurring Secrets to Success 3. Budget Like a Business (Because You Are One) As a landlord, youre a small business owner, whether you think of yourself that way or not. The expenses involved in owning a rental property are largely hidden, because theyre irregular (but big when they happen). Expenses like turnovers, repairs, vacancies. Heres what rental property cash flow looks like visually smooth periods, interrupted by huge spikes in expenses. What does that all mean for you as a landlord? It means you dont want to be that chump standing there with his jaw hanging open asking: How am I supposed to pay for this $5,000 roof bill?! Heres how: by setting aside money every month for these potential expenses. In a word, by budgeting. And while were at it,if you ever want to retire with your rental income, budget your personal finances too. Whats the point of all the hard work building (and managing) your rental portfolio if youre just going to turn around and spend it all on new shoes and dinners out? If you want to get ahead, both as a landlord and as a person, get comfortable (and disciplined!) with your budgeting. 4. Think Long-Term to Vanquish Vacancies Turnovers are where most of the work and costs involved in being a landlord lie. Youll have to repaint the unit. Maybe re-carpet it. Youll have to go through and fix all the little things that the outgoing tenants either messed up or just lived with. Then theres the lost rent, even as you continue carrying the costs of owning the property. In other words, you have to spend money that you wouldnt have had to if the tenants had stayed. Then theres the stress and headaches and work of advertising for new tenants, coordinating with contractors, screening tenants, signing a lease agreement, doing move-in and move-out inspections, etc. Its labor. If you have a property manager, theyll charge you dearly for that labor. Speaking of tenant screening, your goal is not fill the unit as quickly as possible with an acceptable tenant. Shift your thinking to the long term, and instead make it a priority to fill the unit with a high-ROI, low-maintenance, long-term tenant. You want someone who will be low-impact and treat your property with kid gloves. Someone who will pay the rent on time every month so you dont have to chase them. Someone who will stick around for the long haul so you dont have to worry about all the costs and headaches involved in a turnover. 5. The Meticulous Mindset: Records, Documentation & Attention to Detail Im just going to say it: If youre not the anal-retentive type, hire someone to manage your rentals who is. You need to be exacting in your record keeping, your documentation, and your attention to detail. For example, did you walk through the unit before your renters moved in to document the condition with them? Did you both sign the condition statement? Did you take photos with timestamps of every room from every angle? Then what did you do with the photos and documentation? Is it stored securely on your computer or in your file folder where you can access it at a moments notice? Ill stop beating this horse; you get the idea. Active landlording is not a good fit for the laid-back and leisurely. Theres nothing wrong with hiring a property manager if you dont have this meticulous personality type the important thing is the self-awareness to acknowledge the bad fit and outsource your property management. Youre in Business Be Professional Effective landlords have effective habits, that revolve around thinking long-term and embracing minor headaches today to avoid massive headaches tomorrow. Keep a friendly but professional distance from your tenants; theyre your clients. Set a budget for expenses like youre a professional, because you are. Set recurring reminders on your professional calendar, and then follow through actually execute them! Catching a theme here? The landlords who succeed are the ones who bring professionalism to their rental management. And if you cant be professional, hire a professional. Were republishing this article to help out our newer readers.

What habits have you found to be useful as a landlord? Share your experiences below! https://www.biggerpockets.com/renewsblog/habits-you-didnt-know-were-important-for-landlording/

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themoneybuff-blog · 6 years

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How to be happy and lead a meaningful life

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Overcoming fear is one part of living life without regret. You do that by being open to new people and new experiences, and by acting even when youre afraid. Another aspect of a rewarding life is learning to find happiness in your daily existence and building upon that happiness to construct a meaningful life. Today, in the second part of this limited series on mastering your life, I want to share what Ive learned about how to be happy. More than two thousand years ago, the Greek philosopher Aristotle wrote, All knowledge and every pursuit aims atthe highest of all good achievable by action. And what is that good? Both the general run of men and people of superior refinement say that it is happiness, and identify living well with being happy. In the Nicomachean Ethics, Aristotle said that happiness is the meaning and purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence. To some extent, a good life requires good fortune. Happenstance can undermine the well-being of even the most virtuous person. But Aristotle held that ultimately happiness isnt a product of chance. You can allow misfortune to crush you, or you can choose to bear the blows of fate with nobility and greatness of soul. Although fate may play a role in your affairs, Aristotle believed that in the end, happiness depends upon yourself. Modern psychologists agree. The How of Happiness In The How of Happiness, Sonja Lyubomirsky shares the results of years of research into what makes people happy. Shes concerned with chronic happiness (as opposed to temporary happiness), with people who maintain an elevated sense of well-being over time. Based on her work, Lyubomirsky believes: About half of human happiness is biological. Each of us seems to have a happiness set point which accounts for roughly 50% of our level of contentment. Because this set point is genetic, its tough to change.Another 10% of happiness is circumstantial based on external factors. These include traits like age, race, nationality, and gender, as well as things like marital status, occupational status, job security, and income. Your financial situation is part of this 10% but only a part which means it accounts for a tiny fraction of your total happiness.The final 40% of happiness comes from intentional activity the things you choose to do. A huge chunk of contentment is based on your actions and attitude. You can increase your level of well-being through exercise, gratitude, and meaningful work. Because circumstances play such a small role in your well-being and because many of your circumstances are unchangeable it makes more sense to boost your bliss through intentional activity, by controlling the things you can control while ignoring the things you cant. You cant wait for someone or something to make you happy. Happiness isnt something that just happens; happiness is a byproduct of the the things you think and say and do. Just as you ought to become a money boss to take charge of your financial life, you ought to become a happiness boss to take charge of your emotional life. Believe it or not, you can control your emotional responses. It just takes a bit of knowledge and practice. The Psychology of Optimal Experience For fifty years, psychologist Mihly Cskszentmihlyi (pronounced me-high cheek-sent-me-high-ee) has studied human happiness and creativity. Much of his work has focused on flow, which is his term for optimal experience. Heres how he describes flow: We have all experienced times when instead of being buffeted by anonymous forces, we [feel] in control of our actions, masters of our own fate. On the rare occasions that it happens, we feel a sense of exhilaration, a deep sense of enjoyment. Our peak experiences dont come during passive moments. Sure, we enjoy reading a book or watching Big Bang Theory or playing a videogame, but these arent the best moments of our lives. Instead, the best moments usually occur when a persons body or mind is stretched to its limits in a voluntary effort to accomplish something difficult or worthwhile. People are happiest when they forget their surroundings to focus on doing their best at something that challenges and interests them. In short, happiness is produced by total engagement in the pursuit of excellence. We can experience flow during activities as basic as riding a bike or as complex as building a bridge. Sometimes flow is achieved through physical activity. Athletes refer to this state as being in the zone. People achieve this state of bliss while climbing mountains, sailing boats, or swimming oceans. But even mundane activities like cleaning the kitchen or doing taxes can produce flow, if theyre done well. Peak experience also comes from mental pursuits. Many computer programmers become so engrossed in their work that time streams past like water. I experience flow while writing. Today, for instance, Ive been deeply engrossed in editing this article. As Im working, my mind is so active and so engaged that it almost feels euphoric. Im happy. I cant imagine wanting to be anywhere other than in front of my computer, writing about money. I am in a state of flow. For more on flow, spend a few moments to watch Cskszentmihlyis TED talk on how flow is the secret to happiness: [embedded content] To learn more, pick up a copy of his book, Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience. The Elements of Enjoyment

Ive found flow while hiking in the Andes. Ive experienced it while writing. Ive achieved it while making boxes in a factory, while preparing a speech, and while mowing the lawn (for real!). Though each of these activities was very different, they shared some commonalities that helped me get in the zone. This made me wonder: Can happiness be somehow be cultivated? Turns out, it can. During Mihly Cskszentmihlyis research into optimal experience, he discovered its possible for a person to gain control over the quality of their daily experience, to build enjoyment into even routine and mundane activities. His studies of diverse populations around the world have shown that our best moments contain at least one and often all of the following characteristics (some of which overlap): A challenging activity that requires skill. Flow occurs at the boundary between boredom and anxiety, when the challenge is just balanced with the persons capacity to act. To experience flow, you have to be doing something difficult but not too difficult.The merging of action and awareness. Because challenging tasks require full attention, people become so involved in what they are doing that the activity becomes spontaneous, almost automatic.Clear goals and feedback. The vast majority of peak experiences occur during goal-directed actions bounded by rules, such as playing chess, programming a computer, or climbing a mountain. (Or, in my case, mowing the lawn.)Concentration on the task at hand. To achieve optimal experience, you cant be distracted. You have to be absorbed in what youre doing. As you focus, order comes to your consciousness, which leads to contentment and joy. Fear and worry fade. You are fully present in the now. (This idea is the premise behind Eckhart Tolles massively popular The Power of Now.)A sense of control. During the flow experience, you feel in control or that you could be in control. More precisely, you arent worried that you might lose control, a state so typical of much of modern life. To achieve flow, you must believe that youre able to influence the outcome of whatever it is youre doing.The loss of consciousness. During a peak experience, you lose sense of who you are. You become one with your environment, a part of a greater whole. Youre no longer aware of yourself as an individual.The transformation of time. When youre in the zone, the passage of time is altered. In some ways, it slows minutes seem like hours. In other ways, it quickens hours seem like minutes. You lose track of the clock. This freedom from the tyranny of time [adds] to the exhilaration we feel during a state of complete involvement. That first point merits a closer look. To achieve flow, you have to find a balance between your abilities and the challenge of the task at hand. If what youre doing is too difficult for your current skill level, youll become anxious. If the task is easy and youre good at it, itll be a relaxing pastime. Heres a graphical representation of the flow model:

According to Cskszentmihlyi, The key element of an optimal experience is that it is an end in itself. You might need to complete the task youre working on for other reasons, but youd do it even if it werent required. Youre doing it not for some future benefit, but because the task itself is so rewarding. But heres the thing: Flow doesnt just happen. These optimal experiences can be encouraged and fostered. You can become happier by changing where you focus your attention. Garbage In, Garbage Out The objects and events around us exist in an objective world. They are what they are. Yet each of us experiences these objects and events in a different way. What happens outside must pass through the filter of your subjective mind before it enters your consciousness. You control what enters your consciousness (and, thus, what enters your awareness and memory). You and I go to the movies. We watch the same film in the same theater at the same time. You enjoy it. Youre wrapped up in the story and moved by the performances. I leave the theater unhappy. The kid in front of us coughed the whole time, I complain as we walk to the car. The seats were uncomfortable and the volume too loud. Plus, I dont like Nicholas Cage. We shared the same experience and yet we didnt. Consciousness corresponds to a subjectively experienced reality, Cskszentmihlyi writes in Flow. A person can make himself happy, or miserable, regardless of what actually happens outside, just by changing the contents of his consciousness. We choose what we experience, and we choose how we interpret those experiences. This idea can be challenging to people who possess an external locus of control, those who believe that their decisions and life are controlled by chance or fate or greater environmental factors. Cskszentmihlyi says that in order to achieve flow and happiness, we must actively create the conditions that lead to it. That means we must learn to direct our focus: [Happiness] is not the result of good fortune or random chance. It is not something that money can buy or power command. It does not depend on outside events, but, rather, on how we interpret them. Happiness, in fact, is a condition that must be prepared for, cultivated, and defended privately by each person. People who learn to control their inner experience will be able to determine the quality of their lives, which is as close as any one of us can come to being happy. The shape and content of your life depends on how you use your attention. People who master what happens in their heads tend to be happier than those who dont or wont. While we are thinking about a problem we cannot truly experience either happiness or sadness, writes Cskszentmihlyi. Therefore, the information we allow into consciousness becomes extremely important; it is, in fact, what determines the content and quality of life. The bottom line? Garbage in, garbage out. If you allow yourself to think negative thoughts, your experience will be negative. If you want a positive experience, you have to accentuate the positive in all that you see and do. We can make flow moments more common and become happier people by structuring our focus and attention to bring long-term improvements to the quality of our daily life. There are two primary ways to do this: Change external conditions.Change how you experience external conditions. Each strategy is sound. But one is generally easier than the other. Which path you choose depends upon the situation. Changing Your World Sometimes the best way to boost your happiness is by changing the world around you. Imagine, for instance, that youre sitting at home reading a book. Youre comfortable except for one thing: Youre warm. Very warm. An external condition is causing you discomfort. You could change the way youre experiencing this condition (by removing all of you clothes, say), but in this case it probably makes more sense to change the condition itself by lowering the thermostat. Or maybe youre sitting in a restaurant writing a letter. Things are fine except that the place is too noisy, which is distracting. Your best bet is to change locations, to change your environment. The trouble, of course, is that you have little control over the world around you. My girlfriend was born and raised in northern California. To her, thats the ideal climate. Shes lived in Portland for five years now, and she loves much about the city and the region. But she hates the climate. This is an external factor thats beyond her control. As hard as she tries, she cant make it rain less in Portland! (Francis Bacon once said, Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed.) When you reduce the size of your immediate environment stepping from outdoors to indoors, for instance you make it easier to control external conditions. You cant reduce the outside air temperature, but you can cool a room or a building. Even then, exerting influence over your environment requires a great deal of effort and energy. Usually, the most effective way to boost your happiness isnt by changing external conditions, but by changing how you experience external conditions. Changing Yourself

Now imagine youre reading in the park. Its cold. The sun is out, but the air is chilly. You could head indoors, but youre enjoying the lovely day. The solution is to change how youre experiencing the world around you. Put on your jacket and some gloves. You havent altered your environment, but youve changed how youre experiencing it. Or maybe youre backpacking through Europe, staying in hostels and cheap hotels. Sometimes its tough to sleep because the walls are thin and theres nothing covering the windows. Light and noise threaten to keep you awake all night. Again, the best solution is to change the way you experience the external conditions. If you wear an eye mask and earplugs, you can rest comfortably despite the chaos around you. Most people recognize that they have limited power over their physical world, but many cling to the belief that they can change the behavior of the people around them. In reality, changing others can be nearly as difficult. Writing in How I Found Freedom in an Unfree World a book well discuss at length in part three of this series Harry Browne calls the idea that you can (or should) control what others do the Identity Trap. He writes: [You cant] assume that someone will do what youve decided is right. Youve decided it from your unique knowledge and interpretations; he acts from his knowledge and his interpretations. Youre in the Identity Trap when you assume an individual will react to something as you would react or as youve seen someone else react. If youre unhappy with somebody, there are two options. You can attempt to change the other person, or you can change how you interact with that person. Youre almost always better off changing yourself altering your expectations, accepting new premises than you are attempting to change the other person. Heres Harry Browne again: You could make everyone else be, act, and think in ways of your choosing if you were God. But you arent. So its far more useful to recognize and accept each person as he is and then deal with him accordingly. You cant control the natures of other people, but you can control how youll deal with them. And you can also control the extent and manner in which youll be involved with them. The paradox is that you have tremendous control over your life, but you give up that control when you try to control others. For the only way you can control others is to recognize their natures and do what is necessary to evoke the desired reactions from those natures. Thus your actions are controlled by the requirements involved when you attempt to control someone else. People suffer a great deal of unhappiness because they assume that everyone wants the same things or that they should want the same things. But each person is different, with her own knowledge, experience, preferences, and attitudes. You can improve your quality of life by either changing your environment or by changing how you interact with your environment. Both strategies have their place, but one is generally much easier and more effective than the other. In most cases, its difficult or impossible to change the world around you. Attempting to do so simply leads to frustration and unhappiness. But its almost always possible to change how you perceive the world around you. In fact, its this ability that contributes most to day-to-day contentment. Permission and Control As children, were conditioned to ask permission whenever we want to do something. You need permission from your parents to leave the dinner table or to go outside and play. You need permission from your teacher to use the bathroom. Even as adults, we feel compelled to request permission. You need permission from your boss to leave work early. You need permission from your spouse to grab drinks with your friends instead of weeding the garden. You need permission from the city to build a shed in the backyard. As a result, most of us have developed an external locus of control. That is, we subconsciously believe we need permission to do anything. In personality psychology, the term locus of control describes how people view the world around them, and where they place responsibility for the things that happen in their lives. Though this might sound complicated, the concept is actually rather simple. If you have an internal locus of control, you believe that the quality of your life is largely determined by your own choices and actions. You believe that you are responsible for who you are and what you are.If you have an external locus of control, you believe that the quality of your life is largely determined by forces beyond your control, by your environment or luck or fate. You believe that others are responsible for who you are and what you are. Most people respond to the system of rewards and punishments that has evolved in the culture that surrounds them. If your culture prizes material gain, wealth becomes important to you. If it emphasizes familial relationships, family becomes important to you. But when you live like this when you make decisions based on your social environment the only happiness you can obtain is fleeting. As a result, many people suffer some degree of angst, of anxiety or dread. Is that all there is? we wonder, when we pause to reflect upon our lives. Isnt there something more? There is something more. Lasting happiness can be achieved, but not by being a puppet whose strings are pulled by situation and society. To achieve long-term happiness (and meaning), you have to develop the ability to find enjoyment and purpose regardless of your external circumstances. You have to create a system of internal rewards that are under your own power. If youre unhappy, nobody else can make things better for you. You must make things better for yourself. Focus on the things you can control, and use that control to fix the other things that are broken. In this way, youll gradually gain confidence and greater control of your future well-being. You live in a world of your own design. You have the power to choose. You create your own certainty. Life as you want to live, and do so without regret. Give yourself permission to do so. Caveat: Its okay to seek happiness by changing jobs or moving to San Diego. Its not okay to steal your neighbors television or to drive on the wrong side of the road. Remember the Golden Rule. Enjoy your life without diminishing the ability of others to enjoy theirs. Becoming Proactive Julian B. Rotter developed the locus of control concept in 1954 as part of his social-learning theory of personality. Stephen R. Covey popularized the idea in 1989 with his best-selling The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Like Mihly Cskszentmihlyi, Covey believes that we filter our experiences before they reach our consciousness. Between stimulus and response, he writes, man has the freedom to choose. Our self-awareness, imagination, conscience, and independent will give us the power to select how well respond to each situation in life. Covey says there are two types of people: proactive and reactive. Proactive people recognize that theyre responsible for how they respond to outside stimuli. In Rotters terms, they have an internal locus of control. They dont blame circumstances, conditions, or conditioning for their state. They believe their existence is largely a product of personal choice derived from personal values.Reactive people believe their condition is a product of their physical and social environments. They have an external locus of control. Their moods are based on the moods of others, or upon the things that happen to them. They allow the outside world to control their internal existence. To illustrate the difference between proactive and reactive people, Covey discusses how we focus our time and energy. We each have a wide range of concerns: our health, our family, our jobs, our friends; world affairs, the plight of the poor, the threat of terrorism, the state of the environment. All of these fall into what Covey calls our Circle of Concern. Within our Circle of Concern, theres a subset of things over which we have actual, direct control: how much we exercise, what time we go to bed, whether we get to work on time; what we eat, where we live, with whom we socialize. These things fall into what Covey calls our Circle of Influence, which sits inside our Circle of Concern.

According to Covey, proactive people focus their efforts in the Circle of Influence. They spend their time and energy on things they can change. This has two effects. First, proactive people actually do affect change in their lives; and as they do so, their Circle of Influence expands. On the other hand, reactive people tend to focus on their Circle of Concern. They spend their time and energy on things theyre unable to influence (or can influence only with great difficulty). They try to change other people, to correct social injustices, to shift thought patterns of states or nations. Their efforts are largely frustrating and futile. Whats more, as they focus on their Circle of Concern, their Circle of Influence begins to shrink from neglect. Any time you shift your attention from your Circle of Influence to your Circle of Concern, you allow outside forces to control you. You place your happiness and well-being in the hands of others. If you dont act for yourself, youre doomed to be acted upon. But what about about luck? Arent there times when we really are at the mercy of the world around us? Of course. But our responses are always our own. Eleanor Roosevelt said, No one can hurt you without your consent. Covey agrees: Its not what happens to us, but our response to what happens to us that hurts us. Of course, things can hurt us physically or economically and can cause sorrow. But our character, our basic identity, does not have to be hurt at all. In fact, our most difficult experiences become the crucibles that forge our character. Shit happens. Shit happens to everyone. Ultimately, who we are and what we become is determined not by the shit that happens to us, but how we respond to that shit. Remember Reinhold Niebuhrs famous serenity prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Most people are reactive. Its likely that youre reactive too at least to some degree. Dont fret. Im reactive also. But with time and effort, Ive managed to shift from an external locus of control to one thats primarily internal. You can too. Focus on the things you can control. Use that control to remove constraints and complications from your life. Strengthen and stretch your Circle of Influence. This is the only path to changing your Circle of Concern. You have no control over the hand youre dealt, but you can choose how to play the cards. Exercise: Heres a simple idea from Seven Habits. For thirty days, commit to working only on your Circle of Influence. How? Keep your commitments, to yourself and others. Dont judge or criticize other people, but turn your attention inward. Dont argue. Dont make excuses. When you make a mistake, accept responsibility and fix it. Dont blame or accuse. When you catch yourself thinking I have to or If only, stop yourself and choose to reframe the thought in a more positive light. As far as possible, accept responsibility for your circumstances, actions, and feelings. The Search for Meaning Victor Frankl was an Austrian psychiatrist who survived the Nazi death camps during World War II. The extreme suffering and harsh conditions caused many inmates to lose their will, to welcome death. To be sure, prisoners often had no control over whether or not they died. But Frankl observed, A man can, even under such circumstances, decide what shall become of him mentally and spiritually. He may retain his human dignity even in a concentration camp. When treated like an animal, Frankl said, a person can choose to be an animal or she can choose to be brave, dignified, and unselfish. According to Frankl, the way in which a man accepts his fate and all the suffering it entailsadd a deeper meaning to his life. In the classic Mans Search for Meaning, Frankl states his thesis thus: Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose ones attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose ones own way. Frankls experience served as a crucible for his theory of personality development, which he called logotherapy. Before him, Alfred Adler had argued that people possessed a Nietzschean will to power (more here), and Sigmund Freud had argued that were all motivated by a will to pleasure (more here). Frankl, on the other hand, believed that humans are born with a will to meaning, a fundamental need to discover their purpose in this world. The three basic tenets of logotherapy are: The search for meaning is the primary motivation in each of our lives. This meaning is unique and specific to each individual. (Frankls philosophy is one reason I ask Get Rich Slowly readers to do is create a personal mission statement.)Life has meaning under all circumstances, even the most miserable ones. What matters most isnt the meaning of life in general, but the meaning of each persons life in each moment.Humans are self-determining. That is, we dont just exist, but choose what our existence will be. We have freedom to find meaning in what we do and what we experience or at least in how we respond to each situation. Frankls argument that youre always free to choose your attitude is echoed in Mihaly Csikszentmihalyis statement that how we feel about ourselves, the joy we get from living, ultimately depends on how the mind filters and interprets everyday experience. It also echoes Johnstones Impro: People with dull lives often think their lives are dull by chance. In reality everyone choose more or less the kind of events that happen to them.

Accepting responsibility for your own fate and attitudes can be uncomfortable and intimidating. Theres a kind of solace when you can attribute your situation to the winds of fate, the whims of the gods, or the inner workings of the universe. But recognizing that youre a free agent can be liberating too. When you take matters into your own hands, you shed your fears, create your own certainty, and discover that youre freer than you ever imagined possible. If you struggle to know what youre life is about, youre not alone. I get email all the time from folks who are stumped about what it is they want to accomplish. They know they dont like how things are going, but theyre not clear on just what they should do to make things better. To finish this discussion of meaning and happiness, Im going to share three exercises designed to help you find direction. (If youve read my stuff at Get Rich Slowly before, youll probably recognize one of these. Thats okay. If you still need help finding your purpose, you should work through it once more.) First up, lets talk about how to prioritize how you currently spend your time. Your Big Rocks You lead a busy life. There never seems to be enough time to do the things you really want to do, the things that make you happy. Youre too preoccupied with work, errands, and other demands placed upon you by the outside world. In Work Less, Live More, Bob Clyatt argues that you can make time for the important stuff. The secret, he says, is to prioritize, and he offers an analogy. (Ive learned recently that this idea might have originated with Stephen R. Covey in his book First Things First.) Heres how it works: Imagine you have a jar. You want to fill this jar with some rocks and some sand. Whats the best way to do it? One way is to add the sand to the jar first and then add the rocks. If you did this, however, youd quickly find that its impossible to make everything fit. With a layer of sand at the bottom of the jar, theres no room for the rocks.On the other hand, if you begin by putting the rocks in the jar, when you pour in the sand it will sift downward to fill in the gaps and the cracks between the rocks. Everything fits. Heres a video that demonstrates this idea in action: [embedded content] This same principle applies to your personal life. You can achieve well-being by prioritizing the Big Rocks in your life. This may sound elementary, and you may be tempted to ignore this advice. Dont. This one idea revolutionized my life. It made me happier and more productive. By focusing solely on the things that were most important to me by making room for the Big Rocks I was able to reclaim my life and time. A few years ago, after first reading about this idea, I sat down and drafted a list of the things that were most important to me. I decided that my Big Rocks were fitness, friends, writing, Spanish, and travel. If these werent in my jar, I wasnt happy. So, I made sure to squeeze these in before anything else. Once these rocks were in place, once these things were on my calendar, then Id fill the remaining space with the sand television, email, errands, and so on. Because of this simple exercise, I got lots more done and had a better time doing it. Who Are You? and What Do You Want? In order to get things done, to be productive, to achieve greater meaning and happiness in your life, you need to make sure youre spending more time on the big rocks and less time on the sand of everyday life (such as errands and email). But how can you determine which things are important? George Kinder is a Certified Financial Planner. Unlike many CFPs, Kinder isnt just about the nuts and bolts of money. He moves beyond the numbers in an attempt to address the goals and values of his clients. Without life planning, he says, financial planning is like using a blunt instrument on the organism we call the human being. Near the beginning of his work with each client, Kinder challenges her to answer three questions. These questions are designed to lead the client deeper and deeper into her desires until they reveal her goals and values, the things that bring her meaning and purpose. Kinder shared these questions in his book, The Seven Stages of Money Maturity. Your next task is to set aside half an hour to answer Kinders questions as honestly as possible: Imagine youre financially secure. You have enough money to take care of your needs, both now and in the future. How would you live your life? Would you change anything? Let yourself go and describe your dreams. What would you do if money were no object?Now imagine that you visit your doctor. She reveals you only have five to ten years left to live. Youll never feel sick, but youll have no notice of the moment of your death. What will you do in the time you have remaining? Will you change your life? How will you change it? (Note that this question does not assume unlimited wealth.)Finally, imagine your doctor shocks you with the news that you only have 24 hours to live. Nothing can be done. At this time tomorrow, youll be dead. What feelings arise as you confront your mortality? What did you miss? Who did you not get to be? What did you not get to do? Answering the first question is easy (and fun). There are many things wed do if money were no object. But as the questions progress, theres a sort of funnel. They become more difficult to answer, and there are fewer possible responses. Life planning is all about answering that final question. Note: If youd prefer, you can download a free PDF with a similar exercise that I used in the Money Boss crash course: Your Personal Mission Statement. Someday, Ill update that for Get Rich Slowly. According to Kinder, the third question usually generates responses that follow five general themes: Family and relationships. Ninety percent of responses to the final question contain this topic.Authenticity or spirituality. Many responses involve leading a more meaningful life.Creativity. Surprisingly, a large number of respondents express a desire to do something creative: to write a science-fiction novel or to play guitar like Eric Clapton.Giving back. Further down the list are themes about giving back to the community, about leaving a meaningful positive impact.A sense of place. A fifth common theme (though nowhere near as prominent as the top three) is a desire to have some connection with place: a desire to be in nature, to live someplace different, or to help the environment. Kinder says that some people the facts and figures people look at the life-planning process and ask, What does this have to do with money? It has everything to do with money. When you understand what you want to do with your life, you can make financial choices that reflect your values. All of these questions and the entire life-planning process are meant to cause the participant to ask herself, Who am I as a person, stripped from what I do as a job every day? Is it possible to derive meaning and satisfaction with this stripped away? Inevitably, the answer is yes. Your Lifeline Heres a third and final exercise, which I picked from my friend Jim Collins. Youre going to create a graphical representation of your life past and future. Before we start, grab a piece of paper and a pencil. Ready? Great! Heres how this works. Step one. With the paper in landscape mode (wider than it is tall), place one dot on the center of the left side. Place a second dot on the center of the right side. Draw a line to connect the two dots. Your page should look something like this:

Step two. For the next step, youll need to do some guesswork. Based on what you know of your health and your family history, estimate how long youll live. I know theres no way to be sure you could be hit by a truck tomorrow, or maybe next week scientists will find the secret to living 1000 years! but do what you can to best guess the date of your death. (If you need help, try one of the many on-line longevity calculators, such as the one at livingto100.com.) Once youve calculated your projected date of death, write it below the right-most dot. Example: As my long-time readers know, the men in my family dont live long. In fact, they often die on or around their fiftieth birthdays. Also, for strange reasons known only to the universe (or god), many of my family die on or around Independence Day. Thus, I often say that I expect to die on 04 July 2019, when Im fifty. This may sound morbid, but I like to think of it as hedging my bets. I hope to live longer, but Im fully prepared to have a short life.

Step three. Below the left-most date, note your date of birth. On your paper, youve created a visual representation of your lifeline.

Step four. The next step requires a bit of math. Youre going to add a third point to your lifeline, a point that represents today. Today will fall on a different point on the line for each person. To find the proper place for you, divide your current age by your expected lifespan. For instance, Im 45 and expect to live until Im 50. For me, the point representing today is located about 10% from the right side of the line. If youre 20 and expect to live until youre 80, your today point would be about one-quarter of the way in from the left. And so on.

Step five. Finally, choose a handful of major events from your life and place them on the lifeline in (approximately) the appropriate location. You might choose to list your first day of school, your wedding date, or the birthdates of your children. Add three to five major events to your lifeline. Example: On my lifeline, Ive included these key events: Writing The Meanest Inchworm in third grade, which was the first clue that Id one day become a writer. Getting married. Writing my first blog. Selling Get Rich Slowly. Re-purchasing Get Rich Slowly.

Your lifeline is now complete. On the piece of paper before you, you have a representation of your life, both past and future. But before were finished, theres one final step Id like you to take. Using an eraser, a marker, or another piece of paper, mask everything on your lifeline that comes before today. Blot it out. Hide it. Make it go away.

All of the time before today is past and does not matter. What matters is the future: today and everything after. For folks like me, our projected futures contain just a small amount of time. Knowing that, I cannot wait to do the things that I want to do. If your projected future is short, you shouldnt wait either. Dont dwell on the past. You cant change it. Focus instead on making the best quality tomorrow you possibly can. On the other hand, if your projected future is long (say youre 20 and expect to live another 60 or 80 years), cultivate patience. Take time. Make smart choices. Do what you can to set yourself up for future success. And dont get down on yourself just because youve made a few mistakes in the past. The past is the past. Look how much tomorrow lies before you! For another take on this exercise, take a look at the life calendar from Tim Urban at Wait But Why. The Path to Purpose We covered a lot of material in this article. Lets review what weve learned.

You can improve the quality of your daily life by learning to focus your attention and choosing to filter your experiences through a lens of positivity. But while it might be simple to find happiness in a single day, it can be much more difficult to link a series of days into a meaningful whole. Still, just as we must be active agents in creating our own happiness, we must also take an active role to create meaning in our lives. Creating meaning involves bringing order to the contents of the mind by integrating ones actions into a unified flow experience, writes Mihly Cskszentmihlyi. To give meaning to life, to achieve this unified flow experience, you need a purpose an overall goal around which your lesser goals are clustered. The path to purpose is different for each of us. Exercises like those Ive shared here the big rocks, the three questions, and the lifeline can help you identify your personal purpose, but often this process requires many years of experience and soul-searching. Dont feel bad if you havent found your purpose. And be aware that it takes more than cultivating purpose to make meaning out of life. To make meaning, you must also forge resolve. You must take your goals seriously. If youre not willing to accept the consequences of the goals you set, or to put in the effort required to achieve them, those goals become meaningless. Curiously, it can often be easier to find meaning and purpose by limiting your options. The more choices we have, the more difficult it is to maintain our resolve. Commitment to a goal and to the rules it entails is much easier when the choices are few and clear, notes Cskszentmihlyi. When we can imagine only few opportunities and few possibilities, it is relatively easy to achieve harmony. Desires are simple, choices are clear. There is little room for conflict and no need to compromise. Because life is complex (and becoming more so every day), its vital to keep your psychic energy focused on the things that matter most. Exercising personal restraint and preferring simplicity can help you stay glued to your purpose, on your goals both big and small. Restraint and simplicity reduce the possibility of distraction. But restraint and simplicity arent enough. When life gets busy and you feel overwhelmed, you must do more than just simplify your environment. At these times, action and intensity become your allies. Harmony is restored to conscious indirectly not by facing up to contradictions and trying to resolve conflicting goals and desires, but by pursuing chosen goals with such intensity that all competition is preempted, writes Cskszentmihlyi. Action helps create inner order. Action cures fear; apparently, it also imparts purpose. The final piece to the making of meaning is self-knowledge, the process by which you sort through conflicting choices. Based on your personal history, preferences, and passions, you must filter the available options to select the goals that truly reflect who you are and what you mean to the world. Example: At any given moment, I have many options available to me. Do I want to write another book? Do I want to speak at a conference in India? Do I want to continue to write about money? Do I want to study Spanish? Do I want to travel more? Less? And so on. Most of these options are good (by which I mean theyre positive, both for me and for the world). Who I am and what my life means is a product of the opportunities I choose to pursue. Ultimately, its up to each of us to discover our lifes purpose though a combination of simplification, action, and self-reflection, by being true to who we are and what we believe, and be setting goals we find worthy of pursuing for their own sake. Shares 104 https://www.getrichslowly.org/how-to-be-happy/

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Swipe Right Episode 1 Transcript

Suggested Host Lead: Dating Apps have been on the rise lately! i wondered what peoples takes on said applications were. Alex is a 22 Year old from Long Island, New York. he had been in a relationship for a while before he was able to dive in to the new era of Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, JSwipe, Coffee Meets Bagel… you know dating apps!

CUT 1: “WE MET AT DIZZYS BUT SHE HAD LIVED ON MY FLOOR SO I HAD ONLY SPOKEN TO HER WHEN WE HAD FLOOR MEETINGS AT THE BEGINNING OF THE YEAR AND THEN SHE ASKED ME TO MEET HER AT DIZZYS AND THEN YOU KNOW..”

HEARING ABOUT HOW HIS PAST RELATIONSHIP WAS LONG LASTING MADE ME WONDER IF PUTTING HIMSELF OUT THERE ON TINDER WAS INTIMIDATING AT ALL

CUT 2: “THE RUNNING JOKE IS YOU KNOW YOU WANNA MAKE SURE YOURE NEVER DATING A SERIAL KILLER AND DOING THIS KIND OF GIVES YOU MORE OF A FEEL TO WHO THEY ARE AS A PERSON AND YOURE NOT CAUGHT OFF GUARD AS MUCH

UHH NO I DIDNT PUT ENOUGH INCRIMINATING STUFF OUT THERE THAT SOMEONE WOULD WANNA CATFISH ME UMM BUT I CAN SEE HOW OTHER PEOPLE THAT I KNOW PERSONALLY WOULD UHH FALL VICTIM TO THAT”

WITH ALL THAT IS OUT THERE NOW WITH PEOPLE PRETENDING TO BE OTHER PEOPLE ONE MUST ALWAYS BE CAREFUL ABOUT KNOWING WHO THEY ARE TALKING TO ONLINE! HOWEVER BESIDES THAT ALEX FELT LIKE THIS WOULD BE THE RIGHT OUTLET FOR HIS NEWLY SINGLE LIFE

CUT 3: “IT DEFINITELY MAKES YOU MORE NATURAL BECAUSE YOU HAVE MORE PRACTICE AT IT AND MORE EXPERIENCE LIKE MY FRIEND WHO WILL ALSO REMAIN NAMELESS WHO ALSO JUST CAME OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP TOLD ME AT A BAR THE OTHER NIGHT HE SAID “I NEED YOU TO HELP ME TALK TO WOMEN” AND I SAID “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE ON TINDER ALL THE TIME LIKE YOU HIT UP SO MANY GIRLS ” AN HE SAYS ‘I CAN ONLY TALK ONLINE I CANT TALK TO PEOPLE IN PERSON’ AND I WAS LIKE THATS JUST LIKE FINDING OUT LANCE ARMSTRONG CHEATED YOU KNOW I WAS VERY SHOCKED AT WHAT HAPPENED”

THERE ARE SOME CONCERNS TO THESE DATING APPS OF COURSE

CUT 4: “ITS DIFFERENT THAN TALKING IN PERSON AND FOR SOME PEOPLE THEY CAN ONLY DO ONE OR THE OTHER SO FOR THOSE PEOPLE MAYBE YOU SHOULD WATCH OUT A LITTLE BIT AND WORK ON YOUR ONE ON ONE INTERACTIONS BUT PRIOR TO ME BEING ON THERE I COULD TALK TO ANY PERSON JUST FINE BUT I WOULD COME OFF AS INCREDIBLY AWKWARD ONLINE LIKE SOMEONE YOU’D WANT TO CALL CHRIS HANSEN ON”

ALEX BEGAN HIS JOURNEY IN SEARCH FOR A NEW COMPANION THIS TIME DOING IT DIFFERENTLY… MORE MODERNLY.. BUT WAS HE HESITANT TO DIP HIS TOES IN THE WATER?

CUT 5:” I WASN’T HESITANT AT ALL I WAS WORRIED THAT BECAUSE I HAD BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR 3 AND A HALF YEARS WHEN ALL THIS STUFF HAPPENED THAT I WAS BEHIND THE EIGHT BALL AND WOULDN’T KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING AND THAT MADE ME NOT HESITANT BUT A LITTLE BIT CONCERNED THAT I WOULD HAVE TO CATCH UP”

HE SPOKE A LITTLE BIT ABOUT HOW HIS SUCCESS STORY WASN'T SUCH A SUCCESS AT FIRST

CUT 6: “SO THE FIRST WEEKEND THAT I BECAME SINGLE OUT OF MY OLD RELATIONSHIP I WENT UP TO COLGATE UNIVERSITY UM TO GO TO WHAT WAS THERE SPRING PARTY WEEKEND WHERE THEY HAVE ALL THE FESTIVALS AND STUFF AND I WAS STAYING AT THE FOOTBALL FRAT WITH MY BEST FRIEND AND OTHER THAN HIM AND A FEW OTHERS I DIDN'T REALLY KNOW ANYBODY UP THERE ESPECIALLY WOMEN AND I DID NOT WANT TO SPEND THIS WEEKEND WITHOUT AT FEMALE COMPANION SO THAT REALLY ENCOURAGED ME TO SWIPE RIGHT ON PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING ALIVE… DIDN'T GET MUCH BACK… HOWEVER MY GAME IMPROVED OVER TIME AND I AM VERY PROUD TO SAY THAT.”

AND IMPROVE IT SURELY DID

CUT 7: “ONE DAY I SWIPED ON THIS GIRL AND I NOTICED THAT HER BIO SAID THAT SHE WAS A BIG NEW YORK RANGERS FAN AND BEING THE SASSY ISLANDERS FAN THAT I AM I DECIDED TO MESSAGE HER “I THINK THE SENATORS ARE GONNA BEAT THE RANGERS IN SIX GAMES” BECAUSE THEY WERE PLAYING IN THE PLAYOFFS AT THAT TIME AND SHES TOLD ME SINCE THAT SHE WAS CONSIDERING NOT ANSWERING ME BECAUSE WHAT I SAID WAS SO INCREDIBLY RUDE AND ANNOYING UHH NEVERTHELESS IT ENDED UP LEADING TO WHATS GONNA BE A SIX MONTH RELATIONSHIP ACTUALLY IN A FEW WEEKS”

MARK IS A 26 YEAR OLD MALE WHOS LUCK WASNT QUITE THE SAME AS ALEX

CUT 8: “UM WELL TINDER FOR ME HONESTLY ITS NOT MY BEST PREFERENCE I’VE USED IT FOR A COUPLE YEARS NOW AND YOU KNOW ITS I FEEL LIKE ITS MOSTLY CURIOSITY FACTOR OF WHO YOURE GONNA MATCH UP WITH. I DONT THINK ANYTHINGS REALLY GENUINE THAT COMES OUT OF IT YOU KNOW IVE MET UP WITH A COUPLE PEOPLE UMM OUT OF IT. ACTUALLY OUT OF A COUPLE HUNDRED… MAYBE TWO HUNDRED AND SIXTY PEOPLE IVE PROBABLY ONLY MET UP WITH ONLY MAYBE ABOUT 5 PEOPLE WHICH IS PRETTY SAD AND EVEN OUT OF THAT I WOULD SAY MAYBE ABOUT 5% OF THAT I EVEN MESSAGE. LIKE I SAID ITS MOSTLY LIKE A CURIOSITY FACTOR UMM DATING SITES FOR OTHER PEOPLE LIKE FOR EXAMPLE MY PARENTS MET ON A DATING SITE AND THEYRE HAPPILY MARRIED AND I HAVE NO COMPLAINTS I HAVE A GREAT STEPDAD NOW. SO I MEAN CLEARLY IT WORKS OUT FOR SOME PEOPLE. I HAVE ALSO SOME FRIENDS WHERE THEY YOU KNOW GOT SOME SUCCESS BUT ITS UH I FEEL LIKE ITS ITS WEIRD ITS VERY IMPERSONAL AT FIRST UM MESSAGING EVEN BECAUSE THE GIRL NEVER IS GOING TO MESSAGE YOU FIRST, IT’S A VERY RARE OCCURRENCE SO FOR A GUY YOU EITHER HAVE TO COME WITH SOME VERY YOU KNOW IMPRESSIVE FIRST PICK UP LINE YOU GOTTA MAKE THEM LAUGH OR EVEN JOKE ABOUT THEM OR ONE OF THEIR PICTURES LIKE YOU HAVE TO SEPARATE YOURSELF FROM OTHER PEOPLE AND YOU KNOW PICK UP LINES DONT WORK ANYMORE ESPECIALLY CORNY ONES.

BESIDES CORNY PICK UP LINES AND PRIMPED OUT PICTURES AND BIOS I WANTED TO KNOW OF SOME NOT SO GREAT EXPERIENCES HE HAD ENTAILED MEETING UP WITH WOMEN FROM TINDER

CUT 9: “UMM I MEAN MAJORITY OF THE CASES WH- ARE THAT WHEN I MEET I WOULD SAY ABOUT 80% OF THE TIME I MEET UP WITH THE GIRL SHE DOESN'T LOOK LIKE THE PICTURES SHE YOU KNOW SHE POSTED. THEY MAKE THEMSELVES LOOK WAY BETTER THAN THEY ACTUALLY SEEM UNFORTUNATELY BUT I FEEL LIKE A LOT OF PEOPLE DO THAT SO THATS KINDA WHY YOU KNOW I KINDA TOOK A PAUSE ON AND HAVEN'T REALLY USED IT IN THE PAST COUPLE MONTHS UMM I THINK ME PERSONALLY I LIKE GOING OUT UMM I FEEL LIKE MY PERSONALITY OUTWEIGHS MY LOOKS SO YOU KNOW THAT HELPS ME, MEETING PEOPLE IN PERSON UMM BUT ALSO ANOTHER PROBLEM WITH TINDER I FEEL LIKE PEOPLE DON’T SETTLE DOWN ANYMORE BECAUSE THEY HAVE INFINITE AMOUNT OF OPTIONS SO THATS THE ONE DOWNFALL BUT YOU KNOW IT IS COOL HAVING YOU KNOW YOU COULD LITERALLY MEET WHOEVER AROUND THE WORLD. BACK IN THE DAY PEOPLE WOULD JUST YOU KNOW WOULD ONLY MEET PEOPLE IN THEIR TOWN AND YOU KNOW THEY WOULD HAVE TO SETTLE BUT NOW WITH ALL THESE DATING SITES IT GIVES YOU INFINITE AMOUNT OF OPTIONS WHICH IS COOL”

JAYSON IS ANOTHER USER OF TINDER AND DATING APPS AND FEELS THAT THERE ARE TWO SIDES TO THIS NEW ERA IN THE MODERN DATING AGE

CUT 10: “IF YOU WERE TO PUT IN INTO A PROS AND CONS LIST OBVIOUSLY PRO WOULD BE LIKE ACTUALLY MEETING SOMEONE THAT YOU KNOW YOU COULD SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH JUST BY CLICKING A BUTTON AND JUST SEEING IF YOUR’E JUST YOU KNOW YOUR’E COMPATIBLE WITH EACH OTHER I GUESS THAT REALLY COOL AND ALL BUT UM WHAT I BELIEVE IS WHAT REALLY THAT MATTERS MOST ABOUT THIS WHOLE CONNECTING THING IS IF YOU YOU HAVE SOMETHING THAT LITERALLY GIVES YOU REASON TO MAKE IT SOMETHING”

HE MENTIONS HOW USING THESE APPLICATIONS ARE A WAY FOR PEOPLE TO FIND THEIR STATISTIC AND WHERE THEY FIT IN ON THE DATING SPECTRUM

CUT 11: “UH I HAVE AND I MATCHED WITH A GOOD AMOUNT UMM I NEVER REALLY USED IT AS SOMETHING TO MEET UP WITH PEOPLE WITH I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS JUST FUN AND GAMES TO KNOW LIKE WHO YOU COULD BE MATCHED WITH AND YOU C- ALSO WHAT PEOPLE WOULD DO IS LIKE OH WELL I PERSONALLY BELIEVE THAT OTHER PEOPLE WOULD DO IS UM THEY WOULD USE IT AS LIKE A A COMPARISON CONTEST BETWEEN THEMSELVES AND THE PEOPLE THAT THEY MATH THEMSELVES WITH JUST TO SEE LIKE WHO IS THE ATTRACTIVE LEVEL TYPE OF PEOPLE THAT YOU WOULD LIKE KNOW FOR A FACT IF YOU WERE GONNA GO INTO A SOCIAL SETTING THAT YOU WOULD BE CONNECTED WITH THEM EASILY. THINK ABOUT IT WHEN YOUR’E USING THESE KIND OF SOCIAL MEDIA TYPE OF CONNECTION SITES ITS ITS JUST AN UNLIMITED AMOUNT OF PEOPLE AROUND YOU I MEAN YOU MEET THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE EVERY DAY WHEN YOUR’E WALKING AROUND AND LIKE OBVIOUSLY WE DON’T HAVE THAT KIND OF TIME OF DAY TO LIKE MEET EVERY SINGLE PERSON AND LIKE GET A WHOLE BACKGROUND HISTORY OF THEM BEFORE YOU LIKE YOU I MEAN OBVIOUSLY LIKE ATTRACTIVENESS IS THE FIRST CONNECTION LIKE INSTANTLY WHEN YOU SEE A PICTURE OF SOMEONE THAT LIKE YOU KNOW IS SOMEONE THAT YOU WOULD BE LIKE OH OKAY I COULD PICTURE MYSELF BEING WITH THIS PERSON FOR A BIT LIKE THIS THIS IS SOMETHING THAT WOULD UMM I WOULDNT MIND BUT THEN AGAIN LIKE WHATS BEHIND THAT PERSON LIKE WERE GOING AFTER AN AVATAR RATHER THAN LIKE A PERSON”

NOT EVERYONE HAS THE SAME OPINION AS ALEX FROM OUR SUCCESS STORY JAYSON FEELS AS THOUGH MOST DATING APPLICATIONS ARE MORE FOR SEXUALIZATION

CUT 12: “UM I MEAN THERE ARE A FEW SOCIAL MEDIA SITES THAT GIVE YOU A LITTLE MORE PREFERENCE AND LIKE THERES THERES ALSO UH CERTAIN BOUNDARIES THAT AND THEY ALSO HAVE LIKE AN ALGORITHMIC FORMULA THAT COULD UMM GIVE YOU A BETTER MATCH TYPE OF PERSON THROUGH YOUR FIRST SEARCH PREFERENCES LIKE AND WITH THIS TINDER THING ITS JUST UMM WOULD I MEET THEM RIGHT NOW OR WOULD I EVEN BOTHER TO GIVE THEM THE TIME OF DAY AND ITS JUST AN INSTANT SECOND IT TAKES ONE SWIPE TO SEE WHETHER OR NOT YOU'RE GONNA LIKE SOMEONE AND THATS KINDA LIKE THE MESSED UP PART OF THIS WHOLE THING”

THERE ARE SO MANY THOUGHTS OUT THERE ON WHAT DATING APPLICATIONS AND WEBSITES HAVE BEEN DOING TO THE DATING SCENE IN THE MODERN AGE. FOR SOME THEY HAVE FOUND LOVE AND LONGTERM RELATIONSHIPS ON TINDER AND OTHER APPS, HOWEVER, FOR OTHERS THEY USE IT AS A WAY TO PICK UP CHICKS OR GUYS FOR A ONE NIGHT FLING… HEY I EVEN OVERHEARD SOMEONE SAY THEY USE TINDER TO GET FREE DINNER!

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