#also procrastinating SO hard right now :'D

[spielzeugkaiser]

I'm procrastinating so hard (and still coughing my lungs out) that I not only procrastinate on the things I have to do but also on the things I planned to draw, sooooo... another trans!Hinata piece 👉👈 Poor guy feels a bit insecure first.

#haikyuu #hinata shōyō #kageyama tobio #kagehina #sugawara #daichi #asahi azumane #and all the rest I'm not gonna tag them all lol #I thought I was done with trans!hinata but alas - they're like comfort food and I'm feeling bleurghhhhh #also procrastinating SO hard right now :'D #but what I like about this is the colour! it fits them well #I should do this more often! just a pop and woosh and a pow of colour! #listen i love them #they are babies #who are genuine friends and supportive of each other!! #more than anything I just like the wholesome silly guys being dudes stuff :') #the laugh and cry and are silly and there for each other as a team! #it's very sweet

[1galaxia369]

CAPRICORN RISING♑️

You have been very hard on yourself, I understand the purpose of it but you are doing it all wrong. Self reflection and shadow work is completely different from bullying yourself. You're going through an awakening right now, the universe is calling you out, you guys have a higher purpose in this world. Some of you guys have secret plans that you have been working on and some dreams that you are about to entertain that know one knows. I know you are very protective of your ideas and desires, but being ruled by saturn isn't easy, always working extra hard because the whole thing might fall apart if you don't focus & put your all in oryou'll have to start over. Not to mention having envious people around you that silently sabotage all your projects. Add a mind that is your biggest enemy and you have the recipe for an extremely exhausted human. When will you address that and put an end to it? All those voices in your head, whether it's you valuing your worth based on your productivity or the voices of people who can't see your vision. The best way to stop the noise is by first acknowledging it's there, then you have to find out why you allow those thoughts in, Ask yourself do you think they're right, ask yourself again if you or your talents and skills fit into that low bar that everyone else is setting for you, when did these other people whose drive and skill could never match up to yours have the power to convince you that you can't succeed at all your goals? It's literally judgement time, you are being pushed to cut that behavior out, allowing negativity to cloud your mind and breed self doubt and self sabotage. It's time to become YOU. Reflection, renewal and reckoning is your energy. That plan that you've been working for the past couple of months or years even is finally coming in to play, there's a major turn around coming. You've been tending to your garden well and you'll be harvesting the fruits of your labor very soon.

Overall, success is coming in whatever field that has been your focus for a while now. If you been waiting on an answer this is it, if you are actually about to start something now is a good time. Plant the seeds and wait patiently, the success is guaranteed with consistent care and effort. Celebration is store for you guys, party and go out have fun, you've been working too hard. You give yourself no breaks and you don't treat yourself enough, there's nothing in this world more important than you. Stop putting yourself last in every situation. There are also people that don't mean you well, as you progress and evolve you'll be removing and rearranging a lot of things in your life and finally setting BOUNDARIES. Them people not gonna like that! You have to stand on business though, NO means NO. You plan out your day, if it ain't life or death then you have to prioritize your self and your projects. I feel like a lot of people who aren't dependent on you, always depend on you to show up regardless of what you got going on. You have to discern if they are more important than accomplishing those daily goals. Procrastination is a big issue for Capricorns, no matter the placement, always allowing yourself to be drawn away from your work routine. You set that plan up so that you can properly show up for yourself and have time to handle your other responsibilities. It's wasted if you keep having to remake your plans and routines to accommodate others, leaving simple work that can be done today for tomorrow, now tomorrow is thrown off and now you're burnt out. This cycle always opens the door for you to start beating yourself up. I understand that people need your help and you're the jack of all trades but it can be done whenever you are free, you don't drop everything to go help someone with something they can wait to do or pay someone to do. All humans were born with their own physical capabilities no need to fuck yourself up to show for them. Have strength and enforce your boundaries and do not waver, they can wait, finish your stuff first.

You are safe to move forward with your plans, invest your time, skills and money. You'll have a return on investment WHEN it is successful ( take the word 'if' and change it to 'when'...change 'I think' to 'I know'). Be excited, you escape and find solace in your work and creative endeavors, you complicate that flow by being hard on yourself. You are supported too, remember that. You'll be noticing that all of a sudden you'll have more money in your hands to spend on yourself and invest into you projects. The universe and your spirit guides are handing you support and opportunities, take them and don't hesitate. You know what a good opportunity looks like trust yourself to pursue them and watch the success come true. Movement is happening, this is exciting, changes will be happening all around you! Be happy! Some of you will be travelling really soon, or moving away from where you are or even relocating internationally. Be happy for once and trust that good things can happen for you.

I recommend spending time in nature, you need peace and quiet,observe the animals and the ecosystem. Smudge your surroundings (and yourself) you need to get rid of all that negative energy.(sage,palo santo,sweet grass, incense) Breathing exercises are needed 15 deep breaths for release. Close your eyes and visualize the things you want accomplished, manifest more. Be delusional about your goals.

12:12 12:22 12:34

#tarot #tarot reading #astrology #spirituality #capricorn #capricorn rising #zodiac

[phoenix-and-found-family]

More random headcannons because I keep procrastinating writing part two

Practically the entire agency is scared of Phoenix, but all for different reasons. The other field agents are jealous of the fame they gained from the peace summit (but also intimated by the fact they survived), the other handlers besides Reggie are concerned Phoenix has got some kind of dirt on him (see here for rant explaining the headcannon), the R&D department is just kind of annoyed by them because everything they send with them comes back broken in half and/or on fire. The doctors/medics are the most scared of Phoenix because they should have died from alcohol poisoning eight years ago but they're clearly standing there alive in the breakroom stealing donuts and drinking a diabetes causing coffee-gummy bear-creamer-sprinkles with more sugar added in because who needs teeth, right?

Phoenix goes into the normal world regularly to buy snacks and has only been caught once, but it was when Reggie was also feeling peckish so they had a sweet father-child moment together (Phoenix nearly broke a vase, and they had to shoot someone in the knee, you know, typical father-child stuff) [Should I write something on this? Yes. Will I write something on this? Probably not.]

Phoenix loves fast and hard- someone being nice to them usually means they will protect that person with their life (ex. Dr. Prism) [all of this is /p, by the way]

They accidentally flirt with people all the time, because they can't read social cues very well (ex. complimenting people on their shoes and such) and then gets really confused why the person's partner gets mad at them

Phoenix is terrified of fire. Now, this sounds really weird considering how often they burn things, but it's in that way where you're so scared of something that you want to see exactly what it's going to do. Because you don't know how exactly it's going to react to what you introduce it to. It might explode, it might burn it down, it might get snuffed out only to reaper along the way. It's full of far too many possibilities for you to stay away for too long. So while it scares you, you observe it because it's so unpredictable, like nothing else you've ever seen. (to be clear, this is a metaphor for how I think Zor views Phoenix)

Dat all I got. Go away (/j)

#i expect you to die #ieytd #agent phoenix #headcanon #agent phoenix ieytd #my brain doesn't want me to write

[zhonglicious]

𝐟𝐥𝐮𝐫𝐨𝐬𝐜𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐭𝐞𝐚𝐥 𝐬𝐞𝐚𝐬 - 𝐛𝐥𝐮𝐞 𝐥𝐨𝐜𝐤 (𝐡𝐜𝐬)

☾✧ ft. rin itoshi x reader

☾✧ warnings. please take note that this is set after blue lock! rin's a professional player now. mentions of chubby reader. emotional ineptitude, familial issues, child neglect (on rin's part). light angst (itoshi brothers angst included). fluff!

☾✧ a/n. finally writing for blue lock. like most of my works this is done bc i procrastinated on something i rlly don't want to do. god. well either way this might be a bit ooc or not as Exact to rin's character. bear with me here <///3 i may have gone a little overboard. can u tell i love rin itoshi. lowercase intentional :D

⋆ rin itoshi... our dearest rinny... where do i even begin with him :((

⋆ to be completely honest with you, it took you quite a while to get him to even remotely warm up to you. rin thought he didn't need anything or anyone other than soccer. after all, it was the only way he could be by sae's side again, as his brother

⋆ the itoshis grew up in a very neglectful household. sure, their parents fed them, clothed them, sheltered them, educated them, but they never really took care of them. not in the way a child needed to be taken care of

⋆ so all his life, rin has never known affection, not in the way everyone else does. the closest thing he's ever had to it are walks back home, stopping by the convenience store to get ice cream. a hand ruffling his hair gently, a few comments about their last play

⋆ when you were trying to get close to him at first, rin's walls were an impenetrable fortress. his time in blue lock mellowed him out just a little, but at the same time, sharpened his sharp edges even more. rin is blunt and curt with everyone on the team, and that behavior extends to you

⋆ so for the first few weeks, rin is cold and unfeeling towards you. as the team's manager, this was an obvious problem because you needed to know at least just a little about him to be able to do your job properly

⋆ rin viewed your attempts at interacting with him to be... odd. which is the mildest way to word it. he didn't know why you were trying to be so friendly with him, always there to hand him water or a towel after practice. you did it for everyone on the team, but something about it just rubbed rin's brain the wrong way

⋆ he didn't need your help, god forbid your pity. he would rather die than be pitied, which is why your relationship started off on rocky waters

⋆ but over time, rin found himself softening. yes, rin found himself adjusting, and sometimes even looking forward to your interactions

⋆ not just you, even the team noticed how rin starts being less harsh around them. his shoulders are no longer squared, jaw no longer set, and no tension pulling his muscles taut. this, ultimately, is how you start worming your way into rin's heart

⋆ now, as i've said, rin isn't accustomed to affection. he doesn't know how to show it, and he doesn't know how to receive it. however, whether he's aware of it or not, his main love languages are quality time and physical touch

⋆ when rin isn't on an overseas game or whenever he has free time, you guys spend it cuddled up in bed. usually, it's with the curtains drawn and the lights dim or completely off, your laptop on the bed playing a horror movie

⋆ sometimes, rin gets caught off-guard by really well done jumpscares, or he's tense when the movie is particularly suspenseful and/or eerie. he's holding you close to him, your back against his chest, and you can feel how his muscles are tense, almost as if ready to grab you and make a run for the nearest exit

⋆ of course, you've also taken a liking to teasing him

⋆ "are you scared? hehe" "i am not. shut up"

⋆ his answer is a low, embarrassed mumble, and you just laugh and burrow yourself further into him, knowing you're right and that you won

⋆ while all the characters love all body types i just know ong there's a special place in rin's heart for soft, bigger people

⋆ like. look at him, it just makes sense???????

⋆ he would love cuddling you. he's all hard ridges and solid muscle, and your plush skin offsets that. hugging you makes him feel safe, like he's being given a warm embrace that he never got in his childhood

⋆ yes this is me coping and self projecting but anyways

⋆ rin isn't really a big fan of pda. the furthest he'll go is hand holding as you guys walk, or a kiss to the top of your head or your cheek. however behind close doors i know he's the type to just absolutely cling to you everywhere

⋆ cooking? clinging to your shirt or hugs you with his arms around ur abdomen. about to sleep? cuddling the everloving shit out of you, sometimes even puts a leg above yours. just. he's surprisingly very clingy when in a relationship

⋆ he also likes to randomly gives you kisses. you're gonna be doing nothing and then suddenly he's padding over to give you a kiss anywhere he can reach

⋆ now, like all relationships, your relationship with rin has... ugly sides

⋆ rin isn't very in tune with his emotions. due to him emulating sae's behavior, he didn't dwell on his emotions, pushing them aside to find a more logical reaction

⋆ so because of that, rin never really learned to process his emotions. so he has a lot of difficulty sorting out his head, where you have to help him do so

⋆ at times, he seems cold and aloof. this was a point of conflict between you two at some point, because you felt like he didn't want to spend time with you or that he didn't love you as much anymore

⋆ this is especially true when it comes to soccer. sometimes, it's as if you'll always be secondary to his love for the sport. you know that's not the case, but sometimes you can't help but think that because of how absorbed rin is with it

⋆ rin loves you with all his heart but the problem is that he doesn't know how to show it, how to tell you. so you're going to have to be patient with him. he's trying, he really is, because he really really fucking loves you. he's trying his best because you deserve to be given as much love as you give him. so while he may not be the best at communication, by god does he try

⋆ on that note, rin has severe abandonment issues. he needs to be constantly affirmed that you love him, you want to stay with him, that you won't leave him, because he's scared he'll lose the most important person to him again

⋆ rin isn't exactly the "ideal" or the "best" boyfriend, by traditional means. but that just means there's more room for him to grow, so much more room for him to engrave your touch and entwine your existence with him

⋆ rin is unfamiliar to affection, much less love. but now that you've shown him what it's like... maybe he'd be fine with accustoming himself to the feeling

tags: @softbajis (lmk if u wanna be tagged for future works!)

#your honor i love him. #he is my meow meow my absolute babygirl. #blue lock #blue lock headcanons #blue lock x reader #blue lock x you #rin itoshi x reader #rin itoshi x you #itoshi rin x reader #itoshi rin x you #rin itoshi fluff #rin itoshi angst

[mykatzone]

Answering asks #4

I have been... procrastinating over answering asks in my inbox... just a bit 🥺

I'm really grateful for everyone's patience so I'm finally sitting down to answer all the asks I got! Again tysm ;w;

• Finny art request + Timelapse and brief overview of my art process

My deepest apologies anon! Not only did you send this ask back in July, but I additionally promised you a reply back in August- and it's October now! 😭 I am so sorry for my lateness and am so grateful for your patience!

In any case, you asked for a Finny drawing so I offer a Finny drawing! As well as a timelapse of my art process and brief overview of how I do things since you were interested!!!

I wasn't sure what style you wanted me to draw him in (I have so many styles RIP) so I picked the most difficult one I (sometimes) use! Aka my painterly style!

As for how I draw like this uhh, it's a lot of messing around trying to find the right colors basically!

Also focusing on quick brush strokes that communicate the shape of whatever surface I'm rendering!

I also love casting most of the upper part of the face in shadows. Does it make sense? No. Does it look good? Yes!!

As for my lineart, again- rly depends on the style I'm going for- but I tend to use a more sketchy style of lineart these days.

Like a superrr clean sketch. I think it looks nicer with my rendering style, bc the lines have that sketchy rough quality so it's easier to hide the imperfections bc I can hide under the "well it's supposed to look rough duhh" excuse LOL. Work smart not hard! I always say that.

I hope I'm making sense with my rambles. I've never been the best at explaining my art process bc I myself don't rly get what I'm doing usually. It just kinda comes as a reflex almost?? I've been drawing for so long I just kinda go with the flow at this point.

Anyhow hope it was worth the wait XD enjoy your Finny!!!

• Kuroshitsuji Musical idea suggestions

To refresh everyone's memory (bc I'm so late at answering asks), awhile back @shadowalkingschemer asked if I ever planned to make a Kuroshitsuji musical parody type songs/animations like I did for Umineko, to which I said "probs no bc an actual official Kuroshitsuji musical exists, but it sounds like a rly fun idea tho". ANYHOW- this was the followup ask I got from the same person! So let me finally answer!!!

Oki so I looked up this Beethoven's Last Night thing you mentioned and???? OMG??? It goes hard from the first few minutes I listened to. It's a rock opera I assume? And it's such a bop?? And yes this would be perfect for Kuroshitsuji, it matches that classical sophisticated vibe SO WELL with the general edge of the story (bc duh. it's a recreation of Beethoven's compositions but with epic rock music). God this is so good, thank you for the recommendation I will have to listen to the full album soon bc WOW.

• Nice person in my inbox :D

Thank you so much @eynnwwyjth !! That's such a sweet compliment too ;W; to call my art enchanting AAA ty!!! :>

• Animation advice

Thank you for checking out my YouTube @aeowolfestheater !! It's my primary social media, and I'm glad you fell down the rabbit hole of my many many uploads I posted over the years XD

To answer your question, I don't rly have the best personal advice when it comes to starting out as an animator rly! I kinda... fell into it? XD I started animating (well trying to animate in MS Paint), before I even turned 10, so I didn't really have that traditional learning curve? It was mostly a lot of trial and error, trying to figure out what works and what doesn't.

(If anyone wants to see how my old animations looked and how they improved over the years, I posted many "Animation Improvement" type videos that showcase my work over the years, so you get the idea of what I'm talking abt!)

Best advice I can give to any animator right now is probably the boring advice I personally never took (hence why it took so long for me to get where I am now). Learm the fundementals (the principles of animation, the ins and outs of the animation program you're using, general art skills are also a bonus depending of what you wanna animate). I think it's also important when you are first starting out to focus less on making your animations smooth and clean and more on learning how to capture movement itself (that's the point of animation after all!). Learn how things move depending on material, speed, physics etc. and how to communicate that in animation. I think just observing life helps a lot. References are your friend (video references are probs the best). Ofc clean and smooth animation is great as well, but that comes after you learn the basics I think. Stay on model the best you can while animating any shot (ofc unless you are doing squash and stretch or experimental animation). It makes it look less janky. Uhh I can't think of much else right now (bc again I never rly learned animation the normal way haha), so I will link my two animation tutorials here! They are abt Clip Studio Paint EX though, idk how helpful they are if you don't have that program :'0!

• Tumblr mutual reunion!

Omg hi @rissynicole and so sorry for the late reply!! As this post has shown so far I am extremely slow at replying to the asks I recieve in my inbox! Anyhow it is me! Katrinci! I got back on Tumblr in 2022 (has it already been over a year??)! Sadly someone else took my old username (an innactive empty blog too... I'm so mad), so I got a new username heyooo. I hope you've been well!! I'm doing better then I have in gosh, years I feel like XD. Mostly bc I'm finally out of school and finally focusing on stuff I wanna be doing (art career stuff and irl stuff!) But yeah I hope you've been well too!!! Feel free to reply or shoot me another ask if you feel like, I'll do my best to reply on time this time! (I'm so so sorry for being so late!!) Anyhow YIPPIE!

• Where to watch my silly Umineko Musical parody

It's here! I privated it on my main channel bc I thought it was too goofy/self-indulgent even for me (also it wasn't doing well and y'know how YouTube is with channels that underperform T_T), so I moved it to my secondary channel! It has both the song you are referencing and the other song I did! Enjoy :>

• What Croatian stereotype is Katzone?

Well every region in Croatia has its own stereotype, I'm from Dalmatia, and we are stereotyped as loud. So I def fit that one! And also I fit the "cura iz umjetničke" (girl from art school) stereotype quite well. I went to an art highschool and I'm gay, autistic, slightly mentally ill and look vaguely alt (literally I don't btw, but ppl see a buzzcut and it blows their minds, like "woah that's so alternative and quirky", not knowing I only have a buzzcut so I can't pull my hair smh (trichotillomania, look it up for more info)). Though I don't smoke weed so mby I am a bit subversive and not like other art girls.

• Kat sexuality confirmed??

Oki so what @xxparanoidvampirexx is referencing here is when I posted a poll asking my followers to guess my sexuality.

These were the results!

I have been democratically declared a lesbian by popular vote. This is probably true. Listen I'm like 95% certain I'm a lesbian but you never know. My autism makes it hard for me to figure out any sense of my identity bc I often mirror ppl around me (and most of my friends are lesbians or sapphic women in sapphic relationships), you get me? We can never know. My sexuality is currently a Schrodinger's cat situation I'm afraid.

ANYHOW, to answer LMAO- I mean fair assumption. I do mostly post about women on my blog (Saldy... I got back into Adventure Time recently and my blorbo there... is a *shivers* man. I saw someone on Twitter today as that fictional middle aged men are to lesbians what Taylor Swift is is to gay men. And like. Yeah.)

• Nice person in my inbox #2 + "What's your favorite Ciel outfit?"

First of thank you so much anon for the kind words!!! I'm rly happy to hear my art makes you gayer (the only correct compliment ever). Jokes aside, but fr this is super sweet :'D thank you!!!

To answer your question, I had to go skim through this video by @/nullbutler to refresh my memory on what outfits Ciel wears throughout the anime/manga/official art.

Here's the video if you wanna watch it!

Anyhow, my personal fave fits of his are extremely basic. While I do love Ouji fashion, I dislike seeing him in most of the oufits Yana puts him in. Like yes they look lovely, slay extremely hard and fit the visual aesthetic of Black Butler perfectly- but every time I see him in these frilly oufits I'm like "this is not reflective of his personality in any way, he would not wear this on his own, it's pure camp". Don't get me wrong- I love camp, and this anime/manga is as camp as you get. So while I love the more campy frilly oufits he wears aesthetically (and those are way prettier), I perfer when he's in stuff like this:

Like yes, these outfits are objectively less interesting and pretty- but I see stuff like this and I'm like yeah that's him. If Sebastian dropped dead and couldn't pick out his clothes anymore, this is what he would wear on his own accord methinks.

• STOP MAKING ME FEEL OLD 😭

Here's my live reaction of reading your ask @porfiriea :

What do you mean?? You were 6?? I doubt you watched my 2014 MS Paint animation era, I assume you found my channel during 2016-2017 at earliest (my Undertale and Yan Sim animation era). I refuse to believe you were born in the 2010s. Nuh-uh. No. Not happening. Fake news.

Jokes aside, but it's always cool to see ppl be like "oh I watched your stuff b4, I didn't know this Tumblr user was you!" It's a strange feeling!! Makes me feel like I did leave a mark on the animation side of YouTube. Feels nice! :'D but also old. And I'm only 20!! How will I feel when I'm 30 or 40?? Will I just turn to dust on the spot??

• Grelle's gender masterpost update

I'm so sorry anon, but I completely lost interest in this topic T_T! Plus even if I ended up making a masterpost, it wouldn't be fully accurate (or at least- I wouldn't be able to verify its authenticity completely), as I don't speak Japanese. So I would have to go off of Google translate and translations by English speaking fans who understand Japanese. And I don't wanna talk too much abt Japanese queer culture either. Even though I did a ton of research, I'm not Japanese and I never went to Japan! So I'd rather not risk spreading any potential misinfo. Sorry to let you down ;;!

• Another YouTube viewer spotted me in the wild!

Omg you spotted me!! In the wild!! That animation was crazyy, bc I made it rly fast and rly didn't expect it to do well. But I remember it did super well during the first day (got 100k views on the first day it was wild), and while I love that old video, I'm like. Rly? That one blew up?? Out of all my other ones?? I mean the idea was creative! But I feel I half assed it a little, I barely animated anything for it outside the headbop tweening and blinking animation XD. Mby I'm being too harsh on 14 year old Kat here. Nahh I'm not, I felt the same when I posted it innitially as well. But hey I still love that vid. Love the style I drew in at the time, I was still using a mouse for everything back then. Love the colors too! Mby I should remake it one of these days. Mby!!!

If anyone wants to watch the animation @gentle-starlight is refering to:

• Umineko time

@anawkwardlady This is the universal Umineko fandom experience I'm afraid. Being sad over Beato and wishing she was vibing (after you learn abt... the horrors...) XD

• ???

I'm so very concerned and do not know what this means or what this is refering to. I'm afraid O_O @hononyan what does this mean...

• What happened to my old Tumblr blog

It's completely ok to ask anon! In truth, I have this rly bad habit where I delete social media accounts when I'm having a bad mental health moment. It's always an impulsive decision I end up regretting. I deleted my old Tumblr in early 2021 I'm pretty sure, and I'm still so sad about it. I wish I didn't delete it. I had that blog since 2015 and now it's gone like poof. I can't get it back and I'm always emo abt it.

I might make like, an archive or something of my old art one day. I mean I still have most of it saved on my computer, but it would be nice to have all of it in one place publically again (it's always good to have stuff backed up somewhere)! Adding that to my to-do list XD

Oh and the worst part? I can't use my old username on Tumblr (Katrinci). Someone else took it. A BLANK EMPTY BLOG. I'm so mad. I'm soooooo mad give it back to meeee.

• THE END!

And with that I have answered all the asks I had in my inbox! Well, all the questions and stuff, I still have other stuff in my inbox like art requests but I'll get to that some other time if I feel like doing any of those! In any case, tysm for being patient everyone! Ik it took me very long to reply but I hope my responses were worth it! I wish all of you a nice day! My hand hurts from typing owie.

#📬 askbox #i talk abt sm stuff in this post holy cow. #it even has some art/animation advice bc some ppl asked for that so do read this post if it interests u! #oki DONE. #Youtube

[vampireluck]

Heyo, don't be too shy to post your writing if you want to post it! I'll bet you it's good u.u Which (Cillian) characters and what genres are you (not) ready to write? More specifically, is Jonathan Crane from Nolan's Batman movies also a valid option? xD

Anyhow, maybe a Neil Lewis x sleep-deprived-and-stressed-from-university-despite-procrastinating reader comfort thingy (definitely no copium on my part there)? :D

Looking forward to your stories!

A/N: thank u sm:( I'll create a list and post it soon (should be probablyyyy before I post this??) which'll outline all that:) but omg of COUURRRSEE Johnathan crane is allowed he's so fine like who else is salivating rn........... anyways neil is literally my baby girl so I hope I did him justice for u🙏🙏 also I'm literally procrastinating doing hw rn so we are in the same boat stay strong king

-

99.5 - Neil Lewis x GN! Reader.

Summary: Neil helps his sleepless, stressed partner finally get some rest.

Warnings: Swearing?????? Neil is so out of character what . Established relationship. I try to talk about a movie I've never seen so.

-

"but ninety's close and, ninety nine is almost sure. ninety nine and half, it just won't do."

-

The erupting sound of laptop keys being clacked with fervor cascaded throughout their room, with a deep, heaving sigh and their bottom lip hooked on their teeth, they leaned back.

This- university, that is- had become too much.

It seemed, to them, they had ten million classes, which then meant ten million responsibilities and ten million more things on their plate that just added up- so many assignments, so many papers and emails to write and notes to check and things to read and-

And then, of course, there was Neil.

Neil, who ran his dearly beloved video store. Neil, who could sleep at night. Neil who wasn't in University.

Oh, Y/N thought, tucking their knees under their chin, palm rubbing at bagged eyes, how they envied him.

Yes, he did have his stresses, but he didn't have to deal with this fucking professor who-

"Y/N. You here?"

Speak of the devil and he shall appear.

They let out a weak noise of approval, absentmindedly pressing keys on their laptop as they gazed at the screen.

This all seemed wrong.

They couldn't find the right words for their thoughts, their brain muddled and their paper riddled with too many repetitive sentences and words and it was just dogshit and-

Ever so gently, Neil stalked up behind them, pressing a sweet kiss to their temple.

"What'cha workin' on?"

He rested his chin on their shoulder, crystalline eyes locked on the screen as Y/N huffed out in defeat, eyes trained on the cups littering their desk with tired eyes.

Two empty mugs, at least four of those paper insulted coffee cups, another few, large drive-thru cups of either-empty-or-quarter-filled, heavily caffeinated pops of some kind, three empty cans of energy drinks (the ones they swore to themself never to drink again after downing five back-to-back one time in high school on a dare,) and littered between it all was a dozen notebooks and folders and textbooks decorated with various pens and highlighters.

"Y'know."

They spoke, huffing in a sweet breath, scratching at the back of their hair (which felt tight in its root the way it did when they just woke up and were still filled with a deep sleepiness or when they hadn't slept at all,) before gesturing somewhat to the screen.

Neil chuckled a bit, voice soft, yet still awkward in that sweet way Neil was.

"Not really, scholar"

Y/N laughed a bit too hard.

"Scholar? You wouldn't call me that if you read this excuse of a paper, seriously- this thing is bullshit-"

They cut themself off with a deep yawn, now acutely aware of their tiredness.

Neil readjusted, caging them in his arms by rounding them across their shoulders, chin still resting on them.

"Bet it's better than I could do"

Y/N groaned.

"Bet s' not."

Neil simply shrugged, eliciting an 'ehhh' in disagreement before pressing another kiss on their shoulder, letting his partner ramble on.

"I don't get why they assign so much shit- I bet it's more than my fucking high school did- and I'm so fucking stressed Neil. I can't even sleep because I have so much shit to do. Then I sit here and I do none of it all fucking day because I can't fucking focus on it"

They ranted out, pushing their head back on Neils shoulder, staring up at the ceiling.

"You haven't slept?"

They huffed out for at least the fourteenth time within the hour.

"No."

Neil squeezed Y/N in his arms for a second before unraveling them, getting up from his position, hands flat on the low arms of Y/N's chair as he lazily laid his head back in faux-thought, staring at the ceiling alongside his partner.

"I think I may know why you can't focus or do anything"

Y/N laughed a little, dryly.

"Oh?"

"S' just a theory though"

Y/N dropped their shoulders and rolled their head to finally look at Neil.

"Well?"

Their voiced was laced with a fake agitation as he looked down at them.

"I think you're overdue for a break"

Y/N was quick to butt into this, eyes trained on Neil as he slid away from the chair, instead leaning against the wall next to it, long legs crossed.

"Technically I haven't done shit- so I've just been taking one huge stressful break for the past, like, two days so-"

He had an arm wrapped around his own ribcage, the other propped against it, holding his chin in his hand with it as he looked off in thought.

"Sorority House Massacre-"

Y/N was quick to speak, the two's voiced overlapping.

"Oh God-" They groaned "Neil, you know I adore watching movies with you but I have so much work to do I-"

"Popcorn, or The Crime Doctor?"

They sighed, eyes locked on their boyfriend, who looked at them expectantly.

Their brows furrowed together.

"Do I have a choice?'

Neil shook his head, eyes still just as expectant.

"The Crime Doctor. Can I work while we watch?"

Neil stuck his hand out to his lover.

"No-o" He dragged his voice out, a sweet smile on his mouth as he shook his hand just a touch "you have to watch-watch, it's a break"

Y/N took Neil's hand into their own, unwinding their legs from beneath them and getting up.

They stretched out a bit, tugging at the hem of their sleep-shorts with their free hand.

Neil squeezed their hand, tugging them along to their living room.

He settled them on the couch, which they sunk into tiredly, before he wandered off to the kitchen.

He was quick to return, a few snacks and bottled drinks in hand he scattered across the coffee table, before he stood and gazed at the shelves full of VHS tapes and DVDs of all kinds, tracing his eyes quickly over each of the names.

He found The Crime Doctor, electing a little, excited, 'aha!' as he did, plucking it from the shelf.

"Have you seen this before?"

Y/N shook their head, peeling the plush throw blanket off from its position draped over the back of the couch.

"S' really good. It started as a radio series back in 1940-ish-" He spoke as he put the thing into it's respective player, the thing whirring to life as he turned on the TV. "-Then was made into a series of movies in 1943."

He paused, caught his breath, and sat down onto the couch alongside his lover, wrapping an arm around their shoulder, using his other hand to tuck the blanket in-between the two of them so it wrapped a bit more firmly around their frame.

"For something so old, it dealt with a lot of good topics. Mental health and morality in the criminal justice system, that kind of thing. Not something you really saw during that time"

The movie began, erupting onto the screen as Neil held Y/N closer to himself, littering little kisses wherever he could reach.

Y/N hummed in reply, drooping eyes locked onto the screen as Neil began gently carding his fingers through their hair.

He passed his hand over their hair, closing his eyes and kissing their hairline ever so softly.

"I love you a lot, y'know?"

Y/N pushed themself further into Neil's embrace, curled into his side.

"I love you too.." They spoke, voice muffled by Neils shoulder "Thank you."

He replied with another kiss to decorate their face, fingertips still at work scratching gently at their scalp.

Y/N breathed Neil in, relishing in the comfort he always brought them as the movie marched on, black and white and strangely nostalgic.

And as it did, their eyes fluttered shut (with the idea that, no, they weren't going to sleep, only closing their eyes for just a second,) before their exhaustion took over each of their senses, lulling them to sleep.

And, Neil decided then, with Y/N in his arms, there wasn't a single thing he'd change in this moment, before shutting his own eyes and drifting off himself, The Crime Doctor still playing in all it's glory.

-

"oh, I thought I told you before, you never take it so far that you can't take it back down."

-

#neil lewis x reader #watching the detectives #watching the detectives x reader #watching the detectives fanfiction #Cillian murphy x reader #Cillian murphy fanfiction #neil lewis #neil lewis fanfiction

[sweetsungie]

the silence between two special songs | h.j | part 3

pairing: souncloud! jisung x reader (ft. dancer! hyunjin)

genre: college au, childhood friends to lovers, fluff, angst, mature content, fwb, mutual pining, unrequited love, rapper jisung, english major reader

series: the silence between two special songs

word count: 20k

warnings: cursing, fluff, lotssss of angst, drinking, making out, jealousy, protected sex, oral (f. receiving), pet names, sad love story, y/n is oblivious and makes you want to just (!!), hyunjin playboy era?? 

synopsis:

falling in love with someone was one of the best and worst things a person could do. you'd remember the first time your heart skipped a beat at the sound of their voice and how perfectly their lips fit into yours. you'd remember how they encapsulated every single fiber being within you that you could no longer breathe when you were around them; likewise, you didn't want to.

you'd remember all the good things about them.

but then you'd remember the first time it ached knowing that they cared about you, but not enough. how they loved you, but not the way you wanted them to.

not the way you wanted hyunjin to.

and not the way jisung wanted you to.

•°. *࿐

a/n: bye i’m sorry this came out so late… i procrastinated so much it’s embarrassing!!!! anyways i hope you guys still enjoy this chapter, things get a little sad and steamy and ugh i just wish the best for our hanji <3 also!! pls listen to the series playlist as well for ultimate feels :)

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ

comment to be a part of the taglist <3

masterlist

series playlist

JISUNG’S INTERLUDE:

“I've held back for so long, I don't think I can do this…

I pulled together my courage and took another step toward you, just this one step was too hard. It took me a while to do it even after making up my mind.

Did I take too long? Did it all fall back on me because the timing wasn't right? 

What I did hoping to get closer to you is what built up this wall that's keeping me from you. 

It's ridiculous.

I hate myself, I hate you. I don't know who to blame, so all I'm left with is a grudge. 

I tried to break down that wall, but all that broke was my own heart. I tried to pull my heart together and lost something more important—You.

I’m sorry, I love you.”

Your bedroom felt warm, but it was cold outside. You could tell because of the foggy windows. 

You thought about it for a minute. There were things you knew but couldn't feel and there were things you could feel but didn't know how to explain. How did you get to this point?

The days did not seem special anymore: summer’s refusal to perform brought about the mischief of winter and this meticulous aftertaste was something that you had to grow to accept.

“But you loved the percussion of the summer breeze: the searing golden hues, and the warm underfoot.” The season had all the hallmarks of two lovers fighting under the glare of a subdued sun, winding up nature's orchestra into a barren landscape, just because it was fitting to do so. 

And well, no season before had ever stopped them, not spring, winter, or fall.

That was all over now, and it was only after meeting the rock that crashed through your window, you realized how love can disintegrate at a different rate from when it did implode.

felix: sorry i’m late! i’m outside :D

Earlier in the week, you had fallen with a light cold preventing you from attending class or any other place that was open to interacting with people. 

It wasn’t anything serious so by today you woke up completely healed, meaning you were able to continue life as normal. But if you were being honest, you skipped all your classes again and planned on skipping practice too, noting to come up with a lame excuse later for Minho.

And your plan was going as planned, you’d even ordered some food from your favorite restaurant. Despite your limited human interaction throughout this break, you thoroughly enjoyed your alone time. 

That was… until Felix begged you to go to practice. 

Now, as someone as resilient as you, even you could admit that it was always hard to refuse Felix. He was always just so bright and cheerful, just about everything you wanted to be. So how could you ever say no?

You attempted to bring up Hyunjin as a possible candidate to accompany him, but you were quick to remember that he had gone home for break already, which meant you needed to suck it up and go yourself.

You slipped on your shoes and grabbed your bag, making your way outside. Gosh, it was really cold today. 

The wind was blowing, making it much colder than it was supposed to be. Maybe you really should’ve skipped practice. It would've been much easier than hitchhiking through campus in the dry cold. 

You hoped Felix’s happiness would be worth it in the end.

Tracing the courtyard, you spotted him… but then, your eyes traveled even further until they found Hyunjin. What was he doing here? Now you really wished you skipped practice. 

Although you were feeling better with a hearty immune system, you still felt like a complete mess, and probably looked like one too.

But there he was, his hands shoved in the pockets of his puffer, beanie on, as he laughed at whatever Felix said. He looked beautiful without even trying.

“Y/N! Over here!” Felix called out once seeing you. 

You see, you didn't expect anybody else to tag along with the both of you—especially not Hyunjin. He was supposed to be going home for break earlier than the rest of you, spending time with his family—well this was according to what he told you sometime last week. 

Maybe something had come up. You really wouldn't have known, you barely spoke to him all week to even have a clue.

Walking over to the boys, you waved, “Hey.” 

Your eyes fell on Hyunjin briefly, and he greeted you with a smile that suddenly went against the cold wind that hit your face. This past week had been awfully hard. You couldn't see him or touch him—or quite literally do anything you wanted to do. 

Sure, both you and Hyunjin had texted a few times throughout, but it quickly died down once you both realized that there just wasn't anything to talk about. The day went on, just as did every other day and the hours ticked by as the shades of the sky grew darker.

So when you saw Hyunjin and saw that all he did was smile and wave, you frowned to yourself. 

Of course, you both weren't together—you knew that. In fact, you hadn't even discussed the kiss. He hadn't brought it up and you were too afraid that you would've ended up confessing quite literally everything you felt, scaring him away. 

But somehow you still hoped he’d be more excited to see you.

Felix's voice invaded your thoughts. “Let’s go before we’re late.” 

The three of you began your walk toward the dance studio, fueling yourselves with conversations about anything and everything you could think of. Felix was great at talking, leading, and guiding, it reminded you of how much you missed hanging out with him.

You were surprised he was able to make it to practice today to begin with. He’d been getting busier with theatre so you didn’t have the opportunity to see him that much. You could count the number of times he actually showed up to the dance studio.

Felix’s phone rang and he answered it, separating himself from the current conversation about what your winter break plans were. Soon after he did so, Hyunjin glanced over at you waiting for you to continue.

“I don't really have anything planned,” you confessed. “I’m probably going to just read and watch movies—I don't know… Not really interesting.” You felt utterly and completely boring.

Hyunjin always spoke to you gently, “Reading and watching movies sounds perfectly interesting to me, Y/N.” You couldn't help but focus on your heartbeat that suddenly grew, beating—no, pounding twice as fast. He proceeded to talk about what he had planned with his family once he went back home later this week. 

His existence seemed to be full of life and passion when he spoke, and you couldn't help but feel envious of it. You wished that could be you too.

“Are you feeling better?” He continued to shatter your expectations by being kind and compassionate. 

Suddenly, you had to shy away from the emotions in his gaze, because your heart was already a tight fist in your chest. It was constricting it so much that it was like you were wearing a corset. 

You couldn't breathe under the heaviness of his gaze.

The world needed people like him. People who cared, who: allowed vulnerability into their lives, who didn't run at the first sign of complexity, who invested time and effort into what they wanted, who were tolerant and open-minded, welcoming and caring. People who were soft with a fierce heart. The world needed him. 

Everyone hoped to be him.

Felix had somehow managed to create distance between the both of you, still lost within his own conversation with whoever it was on the other line.

You swallowed, “Yeah, all better now.” He nodded to himself, happy to hear that your cold had subsided. 

A few moments passed before he spoke again, accidentally cutting you off.

“I’m sorry!” He laughed, apologizing. He had the most beautiful eyes and couldn't remember not ever looking at them when you were with him. The gold specks in them deepened when he laughed and when he looked at you they just shined.

You waved a hand, “No, it's okay! What were you going to say?”

A smile never left his face, “It’s just that I heard that there was something going on at Chan’s and Changbin’s before break. Monday, I think?”

Your hands accidentally brushed against his as you both continued to walk, and you felt like you were alive again by simple contact. “Oh, I didn't hear about it…”

His eyebrows rose, surprised. “I thought Jisung would've told you,” he stated, flickering his eyes down at your innocent hands for a second before holding it gently. “Sorry, your hand must be freezing.”

No... Your mind was busy running around, doing laps and laps. His hand was soft, too warm and you wanted to stay here forever. “Are you going?” You mustered to ask.

You were falling to pieces by his touch. Your fists were full of unlucky pennies and your heart was a jukebox demanding a few nickels. Your head was flipping quarters, heads or tails, heads or tails, heads or tails, heads or tails.

He nodded and you raised an eyebrow, confused. “I thought you were going home early?” You questioned.

“I decided to leave on Tuesday.”

“So you’re not going home now because of a party?” You clarified, your tone accidentally coming out to be much more belittling than you intended. 

He thought about it for a few moments, awkwardly laughing. “It sounds bad when you say it like that…” He was having a hard time trying to express himself in a way that didn't make it seem like he was just throwing his family time under the bus for some stupid, lame party.

For him, he found this party to be a perfect time to rekindle his friendships. The semester was almost finished but he found himself still struggling to find his place within a group. 

Before coming back, he knew that it was going to be different—an entire year had passed. People changed, lives developed, and things just weren't the same anymore. He knew that.

But, Hyunjin never expected it to take this long.

You quickly shook your head, not wanting him to misunderstand. “I didn't mean it like that, Jinnie! It’s just… it doesn't seem like you, that's all.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“Of course not! I—” You stopped yourself, not wanting to dig yourself deeper in the hole you were already in. It was his decision, he could do whatever he wanted. It really didn't concern you. 

"You know your voice can literally make flowers grow," you stated, taking out an earbud. 

It was a Sunday evening and you were lying sprawled out on Jisung’s bed. To your surprise, the weekend consisted of nothing of substance and you remembered what that felt like after weeks to be utterly plan-less as if you hadn't dealt with it constantly before.

You felt crazy. Part of you hoped that on Friday, Hyunjin would have asked you to hang out this weekend, and when he didn't, you assumed in him asking you Saturday. Pitifully so, you spent the entire day in your empty apartment, your roommates coming in and out whenever they pleased. 

The realization that you were being quite pathetic didn't hit you until you woke up from your nap on the couch, to the sound of Jisung walking in at three in the morning. And it wasn't until you laid your head against your satin pillowcase later that night you classified yourself as insane. 

If Hyunjin texted you to see him in the middle of the night, you would’ve ran—no matter the hour. To you, anything last minute was never last minute with him.

But by the next morning, you’d figured that it would be best to stop moping around and actually get some work done. You had wasted away all weekend that even thinking of falling into the habit again made you grow sick. Self-restraint was hard but it was necessary. 

So instead of waiting for a text or call, you trapped yourself in Jisung’s room forcing yourself to not think of anything considered Hwang Hyunjin—and it worked. It worked until you realized the book he had given you was in your hands in the process of being read. In fact, you had been reading it all day. Maybe there truly was no escape. 

Although you spent most of your day in your best friend’s room, reading the now-forbidden book, Jisung’s presence was a great distraction from the constant reminders. 

He was busy himself. His headphones were on and his laptop was open, displaying his usual applications. His eyes were glued onto his screen as he worked on a song, full-focus. Yet, still, he never failed to keep up with conversation whenever you wanted.

In fact, he love the way you’d lie in his bed reading your book, unbothered and forgetting you’d spoken to him. You’d shoo him away because you hit a good part. He’d brush off your gruff attitude with a smile and continue his work.

“Oh, shut up.” Jisung’s cheeks turned into a brighter shade of pink. He shook his head humbly and retrieved the earbud from your hand. 

You playfully rolled your eyes, “I’ll never ever shut up, Sungie.” Both of you knew it was the truth. It just wasn't plausible.

"You really must have liked it then, huh?" He laughed, unscrewing the cap of his water bottle to take a sip. His throat suddenly fell dry at your compliment.

You nodded almost a million times and he found you to be so incredibly adorable doing so. It took a lot for him to not grab you and pull you closer. 

He had only shown you only a snippet, roughly about fifteen seconds, of the ballad he was working on. And although it wasn't done, he spent a lot of time on the track—more than he expected; he struggled to keep his creativity flowing due to how cloudy his mind had gotten recently.

You were definitely to blame for that. But when your compliments left your mouth like the symphony he never knew he craved, he could've sworn he had perfect pitch. It made no sense to fault you. In fact, he would've taken all responsibility over and over again before you could.

Practicing his self-restraint like always, he opted in fiddling with the faded Rubix cube on his desk. He was growing to become restless. "Good, because you're my girl. I want you to genuinely like it." 

You studied him for a few moments suspiciously, an amused smile growing on your lips. His tone seemed much more serious than he had intended and it caught you off guard.

He felt your stare and briefly looked up. “Stop, you are starting to make me self-conscious over how I speak.” 

Shrugging, you shook your head. “Don't be. It's cute in a way.” He felt blood rush through his cheeks. Was that a bad thing? You noticed his sudden fluster and scoffed lightheartedly, “Relax Sungie. It’s a good look on you.” 

“It's cute, you say…" He set the Rubix cube down and closed his laptop to join you on his bed. He leaned closer to you, and you pushed him to the side, making a face at him.

"Oh, don't pretend as if you haven't ever been told that you're cute.”

He had been sitting at his desk for hours upon hours and all he wanted to do was stretch all his limbs and muscles out—and that’s what he did. With a satisfying groan, he finished. "No, never," he lied, pleased by the direction of the conversation.

You suppressed a giggle, “You’re so stupid.” He leaned in again, this time to place his head on your open lap. You didn't push him away this time around.

"No, I’m so cute," he teased, grinning. The hands that formerly held your forbidden book now began to play with his hair. “...and so fucking tired.” He closed his eyes, instantly feeling encapsulated by the warmth of your touch. 

One thing he’d never get tired of besides your face was how your fingers moved.

"Who told you to write a song until three a.m. in the morning?" You pondered for a moment although already knowing the answer, "Oh wait. You did."

“Trust me, one look at you made me realize that I'd spend far too much time trying to write a song as beautiful as you.” He lay silent, eyes still closed. It was best he didn't continue in that direction.

He sighed, unknowingly, against your thigh. Feelings never did make sense. They’d get you all confused, then they drive you around for hours before they drop you right back where you started. 

Beginning to trace small circles on your bare skin, he decided to change the subject. "How's the book going along?"

“It’s… going.”

He opened an eye, quizically. “What does that mean?”

You shrugged, unable to correctly express your feelings. How you constantly thought about Hyunjin this weekend because you missed him. You had seen him on Friday but still, you missed his laugh, his eyes, his touch, his lips. You missed quite literally everything.

“I’m not too sure,” you answered quietly as shame washed over you.

He tutted, “You see? I knew I hated that book for a reason.” He closed his eyes once more. “It’s best you stop reading—Fuck Y/N, you’re about to make me pass out, seriously.” Peaceful bliss washed over him as you continued to run your fingers through his hair.

You laughed and halted your actions which made him groan needly. “The book itself is fine Jisung. It’s just…”

Concluding that you weren't going to continue the head rubs, he turned his head over to properly look at you. “Is it Hyunjin?” He sighed concerningly.

“I’ve been trying to avoid thinking about him.” You frowned at your words, unable to fully believe that you were telling the truth yourself. 

Frankly, Jisung was confused as hell. Not sure why you wanted to avoid the boy that you absolutely adored and loved. “And why would you want to do that?”

Words just didn't make sense to you anymore. “I don't know. He's just... I don't know. I don’t think he’s thinking of me like I do.”

At that moment, Jisung wanted to exclaim, “Hi, hello! Yes, I’m here! I may not be the tall boy with the long hair and pretty face, but I thought about you every fucking day. Does that count?”

Because it was true, he thought about you every single day. 

Everything he did always traced back to you. Scrolling through his feed, "Wow she would love that" or seeing a place so familiar that it reminded him of you. Both funny and sentimental. It was such a bittersweet feeling. It was strange being able to love someone who cared for him so little in the way he wanted. 

He wondered if you thought the way he did. Of course not about him, but about Hyunjin. Jisung wasn't naive enough anymore to think he could ever be a part of the equation. 

He was just curious—curious to know if the reminders and happy memories that raced through your mind every time you saw Hyunjin’s face or heard his endearing voice, affected you the same way you affected him. 

Had you wondered if what the both of you had together was real, too? Was it something to you at all? Did you feel what he felt? Or was he the only one thinking somehow that you and he would last a lifetime in the end?

Maybe you didn't think that way with Hyunjin, or maybe you did. He honestly didn't know and he didn't want to bother himself to learn. 

All Jisung knew was that he was jealous of the way you weren't thinking this way with him.

“We can stop talking about it, you know?” You spoke up breaking the silence that stilled in the room. Jisung’s eyes grew bigger, puzzled on where you were headed with the conversation. “I can tell when you're uncomfortable. I mean… I get it, Ji. I never spoke to you about my ‘boy problems’ before so please tell me when to stop. This is all new to me, so I can’t really tell.”

You were just so damn perfect. Everything about you was perfect. You knew him better than anyone else. You knew when he was sad or annoyed and how to cheer him up—and you always managed to cheer him up. You’d always write him paragraphs just because you wanted to and because well, with writing skills like yours, you were so good at it. 

“No, no. It’s okay. Please don’t stop.”

It couldn't get any more perfect than that. Waking up to a text bright and early in the morning when you were just sleeping next door. 

You weren't sure if you believed him. “Are you sure?”

And it would’ve continued to feel amazing if the person Jisung loved more than anything in the world loved him back. It would’ve been the best feeling in the world.

He nodded, “Yes. So please, tell me more.” No matter how he felt, he still wanted you to speak freely—unapologetically. What he was dealing with was his own issue, not yours.  

Was he in love with you again? He guessed he’d never really know for sure. He just knew he was beginning to feel things he’d worked so hard to put past him. The kind of wrenching feeling that he fought so hard to ignore, it just tore at his heart. 

But Jisung knew that he didn't own you, and perhaps he never will. So his sadness when you spoke about the boy you loved—he had no right to feel. He knew that you didn't owe him anything, and he shouldn't ask for more; he shouldn't feel so let down. 

So he spent the next few hours sprawled out on his bed with open arms, listening to your insecurities and doubts. How everything started, how it was going, quite literally everything you needed to get off your chest—you did.

“Maybe I should just let him go." You held the pillow closer to your chest. 

"Then do it. Leave him."

You looked up at your friend, frowning. "It’s easier said than done. I just feel like if I do I won't ever be this close to anyone again." A few moments passed, "You have to understand, I put so much into our friendship hoping for more. I poured so much into him, gave him so much..." You trailed off.

Jisung tilted your chin up to meet his, “Exactly. You love him with a love that absolutely consumed you and he still doesn't seem to put you first." 

And it wasn't until the clock hit eleven at night that you realized that you were probably overreacting. 

Jisung had given you advice, more biased towards his own feelings, but regardless you didn't take it. Seemingly enough, you had spent yet another day thinking about Hyunjin except you had dragged your friend down the rabbit hole with you.

“You really should’ve told me to shut up!” You groaned, rolling your eyes at how much you rambled and word-vomited for hours. “Now I wasted our entire night.”

No, he was right there, and he wanted to listen. Whenever you were sad, he wanted to hear why. He wanted to know what you were feeling, all the time, so he could share those feelings with you.

Jisung chuckled, giving you a soft smile. “It’s alright. I didn't have anything planned anyways.” Except for the fact that he needed to be at Chan and Changbin’s almost two hours ago. Surely, they understood Jisung’s situation though as he sent them a bullshit, yet believable excuse. 

Sighing, you snuggled your head against him to get more comfortable. “How did we get so boring? I feel like we’re thirty with a nine-to-five.”

“People with nine-to-five don't rot on their beds for this long, Y/N.” He laughed loudly, “But I agree. I guess it’s ‘cause nothing is exciting anymore.”

“Hm, that's probably the reason,” you wondered to yourself. “I guess we should probably make it exciting then, huh?” A sly smirk formed on your lips.

He looked at you slightly confused for a few moments before he understood the direction you were headed in. 

“Sleepover?” The both of you said it in unison and laughed immediately after. 

Let’s just say he owed you a soda after the jinx contest.

Jisung’s head was propped in his hand, his elbow, body angled toward you. The light from the TV screen in his room just barely caught his eyes, drawing liquidy slivers of color in them.

He rolled his eyes, "Fine, I take it back. I love his character. Does that make you happy?" 

You maneuvered onto your side, facing him, and nodded with a ridiculous grin. "It makes me very happy, Sungie.”

His knee bumped yours. You bumped his back.

A shadow of a smile passed over his serious face; there and gone so fast you might've imagined it. "Good," he said.

The both of you stayed like that for a long time, watching the movie from an angle where neither of you could possibly see more than half the screen, your knees pressed into one another.

Whenever one of you rearranged, the other followed. Whenever one of you could no longer bear the discomfort of one position, you both shifted. But you both never stopped touching, and Jisung believed he was in dangerous territory.

It was nearly two in the morning before both of you realized that it was inevitably time to call it a night and go to bed.

Although the both of you were film junkies and often tended to have binge parties with each other on a normal occurrence, it was rare to have sleepovers nowadays—especially when your rooms were right beside each other. There just didn't seem to be a point in them anymore.

The last time you remembered having one was when you two moved into your apartment sophomore year. Before that, you nearly had them every weekend. You’d never forget the unexpected sleepovers in high school where Jisung would always run back home across the street to quickly grab his toothbrush. 

It was strange how your childhood sort of felt like forever. Then suddenly you both were sixteen and the world became an hourglass, and you're watching the sand pile up at the wrong end. 

“We really, really need to sleep,” Jisung yawned. His tired eyes were evident in showing the lack of sleep he had been getting this past week. You agreed and stood up, causing him to watch you, “Oh, are you not spending the night?” 

He wanted you to stay.

“I’ll be back. Just gonna use the bathroom.”

The apartment looked abandoned, so dark and quiet. It made sense for the hour. Minho was surely in the middle of his rem cycle, peacefully asleep. You wished you took care of yourself half as well as Minho took care of himself. 

Entering the bathroom, you quickly brushed your teeth and ran back over to Jisung’s room. Were you excited? Of course, you were. It had been a long time and you missed the feeling of having an authentic sleepover without one of you going to your own bed.

Soon after you came back, he headed to the bathroom himself. You let your back fall onto his bed with a sigh. 

You should probably change into your sleepwear before you passed out soon, but the thought of walking over to your room sounded like the biggest mission ever.

Your eyes felt heavy. Maybe you could just sleep in what you were already in, that would've been the easiest way to satisfy your desire for slumber. But you’d feel uncomfortable in your tight shirt though. You pondered for a moment before deciding on wearing one of Jisung’s shirts. 

Yeah, that sounded much better.

Slapping yourself awake and mustering what little energy you had, you dragged your feet over to his dresser. His drawers were always a mess and honestly, you had found his shirts thrown in about every single one of them. 

So what you saw—it really wasn't your fault.

You blinked a few times, your eyes focusing on the box that was underneath the shirt you just picked up. A box of condoms was placed near the corner of the drawer, some of the foiled elastics scattered messily around.

Just in time, Jisung walked back in and noticed your blank expression. He snickered, “What?” He took off his hoodie, throwing it onto his empty desk chair before jumping into bed. The lack of words concerned him. “Earth to Y/N-”

Fear was strange. 

You supposed it settled on chests and seeped through skin—through layers of tissue, muscle, and bone—collecting itself in a black hole and sucking the joy out of life. The pleasure, and the beauty. 

But not the hope. Somehow, the hope was the only thing resistant to the fear, and it was that hope that made the next breath possible, the next step, the next tiny act of rebellion, even if that rebellion was simply a kiss.

Within a matter of seconds, you found yourself on the bed beside Jisung. The shirt in your hands was thrown on the end of his bed. Confusion still narrowed his face as you brought your hand to his cheek. He didn't flinch or move—even speak. 

Suddenly he wasn't capable of it anymore.  

And unexpectedly, without a word, you kissed him. Your breathing sounded too loud. Your heart was beating too quickly.

Oh, God. What had you done?

He could’ve sworn that he felt the stars turn emerald and gold to match your aura. The moon would’ve given your skin enough radiance to leave glowing traces on his skin when you did so. This made him long to be underneath the night sky with you once more.

Honesty, you felt so stupid. You felt so stupid because your feelings were heightened from confessing and stupidly sharing your feelings earlier—so much so, you kissed Jisung. It was a mistake. 

You were sitting vulnerable, lips pressed against your best friend. You felt naked—not literally. But that's how it felt. You were sitting there trembling and metaphorically naked, and you had no idea what he was thinking.

Terror rushed through you as you pulled away and met his eyes. You were expecting him to be upset, rightfully so. You had kissed him without warning, without a word. But your doubts quickly subsided in a matter of seconds. 

He always envied people like that, people like you. People could just act on their impulses and go out on a whim. He envied how you could just decide to go and do without worrying about what could happen until after. He envied how free you were, and how your energy could bring a room to life. 

Maybe that was what compelled him to kiss you again.

In one quick move, he reached for you, tugging you against his chest as he claimed your mouth in a kiss that was so much hotter, but no less intimate than the first. 

His lips slanted over yours, hot and needy as his tongue tasted your mouth. His arms held you so tightly it made you feel more secure than you had ever felt in a very long time.

You suddenly felt more than secure; you felt adored. You felt seen and heard, and like the most important person on the planet.

But you see, people like him could merely dream of people like you.

He pulled away with a light groan, “I’m sorry.” He felt shame wash over him as he caught himself getting carried away.

“Jisung—”

“No, no. I’m sorry,” he repeated, shaking his head.

They always said that the moon loved the sun. Jisung never understood the pain that the moon must have been in. How much those moments when they crossed paths must have meant to it. 

He was starting to understand now. He couldn't ever have you. He could never hold you or need you because, in the end, he couldn't have you. 

So it all felt wrong. He shouldn't be kissing you—not right now at least. Not when he could be easily convinced that you wanted him. It was too late in the night for him to separate your real feelings from the agreement you’d both made together.

Sure, he could’ve pretended that you wished to be his and make it easier for both of you. He could create this idea that you had secretly wanted him all along. And then, he’d forget that it was just something he had made up. But, he’d be dumb to do that. You didn't want him and you were not his.

You on the other hand were unable to decide on what you should've felt. Embarrassment should've been the first thing on the list, but somehow desire still found its way to the top. And because of that, you were so selfish, so inconsiderate, so self-centered for what you were about to do.

“Don’t be sorry, Sungie.”

You stood, grabbing the shirt you had previously tossed on the bed. Jisung had no other choice but to watch you as you took off your shirt, unhooked your bra, and let it slip to the floor before pulling one of his shirts over your head.

Jisung’s eyes flare wide and he shot up. Suddenly he was taking back his apology and morals. One night wouldn’t hurt him as bad, he hoped. 

"No, no. That was way too fast... do it again.” His voice was strained and you huffed out a laugh.

Purposely ignoring his request, you pulled off your lounge shorts, and Jisung bit back his tongue, dramatically throwing himself back on the pillow to face the ceiling.

"What?" you asked, continuing to laugh at his expense.

"Well, first of all. You just flashed me for the first time—you're evil for that, by the way..." He raised himself to lean on one elbow. "Second, you said you'd be cool with spending the night with me after a long time, which is very sweet of you because I think there are ghosts in this room…” 

He was trying his hardest to not address the elephant in the room, and you let him continue to speak because he wasn’t done yet.

"Lastly, you look so fucking adorable in my clothes.”

Raising an eyebrow quizzically, you gasped in disbelief, “Hey! Don’t I always?” You sat back on his bed, close to him, still aware of the frustration that was lurking in the air. 

It was clear he was also fighting the urge to grab you and swallow you. He nervously chuckled, opting to bunch the fabric at your waist into his grasp. 

No, you didn't understand… You looked so adorable in his clothes that he wanted to rip them off you. 

He pulled you closer to him because he just couldn't help himself anymore. And you couldn't either by the way you didn't bother hearing what he had to say next. 

Instead, you reconnected both of your lips and the both of you felt a wave of ecstasy fill your bodies in excitement. 

You never really processed what was happening as it was all going too fast. But, this was Jisung. The Jisung who would never judge you—who would never make you feel as little as you made yourself feel. Who would tease you, but never fail to compliment you. He was good to you in his own way. A little too good. 

You pulled back, trying to breathe. When you eased back on your heels, it seemed like for a fraction of a moment before Jisung followed you, trying to fill the gap between your mouths again. He wanted this so much more than you could ever imagine.

So, lightly pushing him back on the bed—your lips still connected—you slid on top and straddled him. Perfect. A shot of adrenaline coursed through him when he felt your arms trap him, your clothed core pressed against his.

He felt your muscles relax this time around. It wasn't common that you found yourself this close to Jisung despite your long history. This was far too different, far too new.

With a sigh of something like defeat, he ran his hands up and down your bare thighs, repeating, "You're perfect. So, so perfect for me” like a mantra in his head. Your lips were soft, so soft. He had kissed you before but he nearly melted this time.

And you moved, grinding slowly against him teasingly, which made his heart race and mouth go dry. His breathing sped up. All of his blood rushed south, and he was harder than a fucking brick. He was definitely in a lot more pain than he’d ever been before. 

He needed to be inside of you. But he was patient—of course, he was.

You pushed his hand down to where your butt met your thigh. He had to bend down a lot and it got his mouth much closer. Now, you pulled his other hand up from your ribs, to the side of your breast. 

He looked like he was about to pass out. Your ego was nearly too big to fit in this room.

He had his hands on you. Too bold for your own good. You lifted his hand and snuck it up underneath the loose shirt, pressing his fingertips up your hips… up your torso… and up to your breasts… just to see what happened.

Whatever control he had over himself slipped significantly and his hand regained its autonomy. His thumb traced your nipple, gently, making you suck in a breath at the coldness of his finger. "Jisung." You muttered, parting from his lips.

His eyes grew to be hooded, heavy with slumber still as he quietly spoke, "Do you want to stop?" His thumb continued to make patterns and it made you have the urge to press your body closer to him.

"No,” you answered. "Do you?"

He shook his head, feeling rather pathetic realizing how quickly he did so. 

You brushed away the hair from his forehead. “How badly do you want it?”

So badly—More than anything.

But then reality hit him. This was your first time. It wasn't fair of him to do this, right? His thumb came to a stop and he loosened his grip around you. 

He thought he was finally over you. He really thought he was finally over you. But his mind slowly always crept back. No matter the situation, the people around him, or what he was doing. You were always there. 

In the deepest parts of his mind. He still wanted you. He began to think that he always will.

“You seem hesitant.”

“I’m not,” he defended which made you give him a certain look, causing him to sigh. He pulled away just enough to look at you, “It’s just…” He spoke up once more. “It’s your first time—I just can't help but think—”

“You don't have to worry about me.” Yes, he did. He will always end up worrying about you. You grabbed his hand, wrapping it around your torso so he could hold you tighter like before, like you missed the feeling of his weight pressed against you.

He looked down at you, eyes wide, unable to stop himself from looking from your eyes to your lips and back again. This feeling was not new to him, he had sex with a few girls before, but you were different, and he just didn't want to rob you of your first. 

It took every ounce within him to pull away, "No, I'm being serious—” 

He wanted you so badly, not just sexually. He would’ve been just fine with continuing to listen to you talk for hours about nothing. 

His eyes fell onto your wet lips again. He just wanted you. All of your flaws, mistakes, smiles, giggles, jokes, sarcasm, habits—everything the world had to offer. He just wanted you.

Your thumb caressed his jaw, sweetly, “Are you afraid that something would happen to me, Sungie?”

He nodded back trying his hardest to not focus on the way you looked at him so suddenly. You gently placed your hand on his cheek, guiding his head lower to you. 

See for Jisung, he didn't care about himself. He would always put you before him and it was no doubt a question up for discussion. But, he had promised himself that the next girl he would end up having sex with would be someone he would love. Someone he would end up being with, hopefully, for the rest of his life. 

He didn't expect that to be you.

You tilted your head, and ever so softly pressed your lips against his. And suddenly he felt his body tense up from underneath you because he was afraid. Afraid about who he would be after everything. 

Are you afraid that something would happen to me? It kept replaying in his mind, over and over again.

He wanted to say, “No no, maybe it wasn't that… maybe I’m just afraid of falling,” but he remained silent, falling into a sorrowful euphoria as he drowned that were your lips. 

Maybe if he did say it though, you would’ve said something along the lines of “You're not going to fall, silly,” and then he would’ve followed up with, “Yes, I will—if we continue this, I'm a goner.”

But he remained silent. 

Instead, he put a hand under your knee to lift your leg over his hip. His fingertips stroked up under the hem of the shirt you wore, making a smooth line up your outer thigh to the side of your underwear. 

When his fingertips touched the elastic and you shivered. "Have you ever… touched yourself?" He breathed out against your lips.

You nodded and he nearly came at the thought of you unraveling yourself next door. What did you think about? Who were you thinking of? How come he hadn't heard you? 

Suddenly he felt like a creep, wondering and fantasizing about how you got off.

“Have you?” You redirected it to him. He scoffed lightheartedly, pulling your hand to his lower half where the evidence of his attraction was obvious through his sweatpants. 

The answer was clear and you dared to glance down his body—to what strained under his pants. 

His lips were so swollen, so red. He already looked so fucked out and nothing even happened yet. You wondered how you looked from his perspective. 

All you knew was that whenever his cold fingers traced you anywhere, you shuttered. 

“W-What do you like?” He choked out, his fingers continuing to graze the lining of your underwear.

He was absolutely in love with the way your breathing changed as soon as he touched your body. He could only imagine your sweet moans mixed in with little screams of pleasure, all because of him. But still, he was afraid of making the wrong move that would fuck it all up. 

You didn’t answer his question and instead tugged on the fabric of his shirt, “Off.” 

In his world, your wish was his command, and seconds later, he threw off his shirt somewhere in his room. Your hands desperately traveled down to the waistband of his sweatpants in an attempt to help him take it off too.

"No," he said, stopping your hands from continuing further. "Let me touch you first.” He had wanted to do it for so long. 

You didn't say no. Instead, you laid, wide-eyed, gazing up at him as his fingertips traced your temples, then your cheekbones, then—softly despite his rough calluses—outlined the shape of your mouth as if he meant to commit it to memory. 

The gesture made your heart abruptly spin inside your chest. His eyes remained fixated on you, as dark as the bottom of the ocean, wondering, dazed with discovery. 

Laying still, his fingertips left your mouth and trailed a path down your throat, stopping at your pulse. Your eyelids fluttered half-closed as his warm hand covered your bare collarbone. 

You recalled when you felt Hyunjin’s hair graze your neck that moment in the art studio—when you really believed nothing could feel better than feeling his presence overtop you. It was as if Jisung’s hands did the same to your skin. 

You burned where he touched you, and could feel where his fingers had been even when they had moved on. 

His hands moved lightly but lower, over the bodice of your shirt, following the curves of your hips. You gasped, as his hands slid to grip your waist and draw you toward him, pulling your bodies together until there was not a millimeter of space.

You ached for more contact. Your hand slid to your ribs to cover his through the cotton. He looked up at you through dark lashes and began to lift a corner of your shirt, up your thighs, and past your hip, until it caught right under your breast. 

You gave him a helpless look, and he prowled closer. His fingers found the loose hem of your shirt. "Can I?" he asked quietly.

You whispered, "Yes.”

Jisung still studied your eyes, as if reading the sincerity of that word and deeming it true. Gently, he pulled the fabric from you. Cool air kissed your skin, pebbling it. The flexible band around your hips remained, but Jisung’s gaze remained on your own. 

"Tell me what you want next," he said, tucking the strands of hair that had fallen onto your face.

Hand nervous, you grazed a finger over your underwear.

Jisung’s own hands shook as he reached to pull it down. As he revealed you to the air, to him. His eyes seemed to go wholly black as he took in the entire sight of you, your uneven breathing.

Beautiful.

Your mouth curled as his expression settled within you. It gave you enough courage that you grabbed his hand and guided him to your seeping heat. His eyes widened, the darkness concealing his sudden shock. 

You were so wet. So, incredibly and seemingly wet that he could pull his fingers away and see the string of arousal follow him. 

And at that moment, he realized, you couldn't get any more attractive than this. Seeping out and he barely even touched you. Not because of Hyunjin—not because of yourself—but because of him.

Jisung trembled with restraint. It was an emotion, you weren't aware he had.

That darling purr of his rumbled into you as he pressed his mouth against yours once more. His hand drifted to your hair, each stroke unbinding the braid you lazily made earlier sometime during the movie.

"We only go as far and long as you want," he muttered, his tongue exploring yours. He was trying his hardest to leave his mark. The one Hyunjin had taken and erased from you with his lips before. “Okay?”

“Okay.”

Jisung gently brushed his thumb over your throbbing clit and you felt your muscles tighten at the contact. 

"Good?" He asked. It was clear he was trying to understand and study what you liked. He worked a finger up and down your slit, much to your demise, lazily playing with your arousal. 

You were growing light-headed.

You pulled him back in, capturing his lips hungrily—fingers getting stuck in his messy hair. “Sungie. Please.”

“I know—I know shhh,” he hushed sweetly into your ear, before kissing below your jawline and making his way in between your legs. You couldn't be held responsible for what happened next.

He slipped a finger, your mouth agape at the feeling. You had only fingered yourself before and you had grown used to the feeling of your own fingers inside you. But his—they were longer and thicker, you couldn't think straight. 

He started to move them in and out slowly to get you adjusted to the pressure of his fingers inside you. But you were extremely wet that it didn't take long for him to start fingering you properly, hooking his fingers into you. 

“You’re so tight,” he sighed beginning to play with your clit with his other hand. Your hands quickly grabbed ahold of his shoulders, eyes rolling to the back of your head from the stimulation. “But, you have to be quiet…” He was referring to your clueless friend who was just across the hallway fast asleep.

You see, you would have answered, praising him for fitting you and making you feel so good that he needed to warn you about being loud... if he hadn't closed the distance between your clit and his mouth. 

It was a little more than you’d expected—your hips rising at the sudden contact. His hand went onto your waist to steady you a little. 

Your jaw dropped, “Fuck—” 

Jisung was eating you out, his tongue playing so skillfully against your bud. He was really trying to ruin you, huh? You couldn't think straight anymore and it certainly didn't warrant the way his heart pounded in his chest wondering if you fell in love with his mouth. 

He inserted another finger into your cunt, making you muffle your moan with the back of your hand. Your head was spinning. His fingers pumped, curling into you so perfectly as his mouth was on your heat, tasting you, devouring you.

You forced yourself to think straight and it worked until the pressure on your lower stomach began to build. You had no idea how much time you had left but all you knew was that you couldn't go on for much longer. 

“Ji, I-I’m going to cum.”

He felt something warm as he felt you release into his mouth. You tasted so pure and sweet. It didn't help that you looked so alluring contracting against his fingers either, as your walls pulsated with pleasure. 

It was powerful and perfect and beautiful. When it was too much, you pulled him up to you. He watched as you twitched with the last aftershocks of pleasure, feeling your little heart beat a drum against his own. 

At this moment, he had everything. Every last thing he needed.

He waited a few moments, the sounds of both of your breaths filling up the room. His chin was glistening in your arousal and you had the oddest impulse to just lick it off. 

Understanding the sudden hunger in your eyes, he hovered himself over you. "Can I fuck you?" he asked against your mouth fulfilling your desire.

Kissing him back, you pulled him even closer, tracing his hot, sweaty skin. He knew he wasn't worthy, but he selfishly wanted you anyway. 

"Mmm?" Your breaths were still heavy from your orgasm and you clenched on nothing but his words.

"Can I fuck you? Please?"

Nodding, you reached down for him to help take off his sweatpants, but he wasn't sure if there was time for that. He was hard in a way that was painful and urgent—different from ever before, and your flawless, soft, tight core was right there, ready for him.

Nonetheless, he quickly parted from you to slip out of his pants and boxers, grabbing a condom from the drawer you had mistakenly opened. You began to wonder what would've happened if you hadn't opened the drawer. Would you have been fucking your best friend? Maybe it would've happened in a week from now—maybe two. 

You weren't sure. 

All you were certain about was that you needed him to fill you up.

He glided his tip along your slit, teasing you. And when he began to slide inside of you—slowly—afraid of hurting you in any way, his existence narrowed to the bare details: the pressure around his dick, strained, world-defining; Your eyes held his own, shocked-wide; the air between you, warm, heavy.

"You're so big," you gasped, wincing.

He groaned into your neck. Maybe he was big. Still. "You can take it." Nothing, nothing existed, except for the pleasure tingling at the base of his spine.

"I can," you agreed, still adjusting to him. Your walls clenched on Jisung’s length and he had to close his eyes, or else it would’ve been over right now.

And when he finally moved from inside of you, your toes curled with the unbelievable feeling. It was so much deeper like this, and he lifted your hips a little so you were able to absorb every inch. You were filled and stretched, and he felt like his work was only halfway finished. He wanted you to feel complete.

He rocked inside you, and it was torture. Delicious, drowning torture.

You grabbed his hand, guiding it to your swollen bud below. He was quick to catch on and began rubbing circles which made you slap your hand over your mouth to silence yourself. 

“It was too late in the night—and Minho was right across the hallway,” you kept reminding yourself.

Jisung worked your clit slowly, making your thighs tighter at his sides. You were purely in bliss. Nothing could make you mad or upset when you were filled with pleasure in this way. 

You began to wonder why you had waited so long to fuck someone. For Hyunjin? Suddenly you didn't care.

He hit the spot deep inside of you, and your head flipped back, jaw-dropping as you released quite literally the most beautiful sound he’s ever heard. You were convinced that you’d still feel where he was inside of you the next day. 

He pushed his hips up hard against you, sending shudders through your body. “Y-You’re doing so well,” he moaned out. If he was being honest, he could've came the second he felt your walls close in on him. 

His breath against your ear made you shudder with each deliberate release of air. "I’ve wanted to make you feel this way," he repeated over and over again to himself. "Every moment of every hour of every day that I have been with you since the day I met you. But you know that. You must know. Don't you?"

“Faster—please.”

"Are you close baby?" He whimpered, his brows furrowing as he began to feel his high rising. He was getting sloppier and sloppier.

The feeling was so erotic and the sounds he made weren’t helping. It was only getting you closer and closer to your release. 

Your body had lost control as you nodded frantically at his question. The ripple inside you turned into a wave, your mouth pooling with whines. 

It wasn't supposed to happen. He wasn't supposed to love you like this. 

When he first met you— when you had moved into the house across the street, sleeping so beautifully in your carrier, just like him, he wouldn't have ever imagined that you would be the one he would ache for. That you would be the one whose name left him with a nostalgic pain. 

You meant more to him than ever expected.

You moaned loudly into your hand, afraid to wake Minho as your high washed over you—diligently this time around. Your body fell into waves of contractions as Jisung’s head dropped in the nook of your neck, fucking through your sweet release until his own shot right into the condom.

He always told you that no matter what you did or what he did, he’d always love you. You’d always hug him and smother him with kisses all over saying how much you’d always love him too. 

Of course, you meant it completely platonically—but at the time, he savored your words and couldn't stop smiling for weeks. 

Jisung wished he could tell his younger self a few things. Never did he ever picture you underneath, tears brimming in your eyes as he made you come so well. And it was harder for him to believe that he was doing it for the wrong reasons. You didn't do it out of love or lust. It wasn't infatuation or hate.

But seemingly enough, he couldn't be too bothered right now. You both were fucked out, unable to speak as your throat grew sore just like the space in between your legs. 

To him, it was worth it.

This was when part of him realized he would always be stuck on you. It was clear he had little to no self-respect for himself when it came to you. Why? He had no idea. Maybe because you were the first person he had truly unconditionally loved. Maybe because you were the only one who was able to put him in this excruciating pain.

He kissed your forehead, sweetly, and thought to himself, "I swear there is no one I would ever love the way I love you."

Pulling out of you, he instantly missed the warmth and tightness that you had given him prior. He believed that was when he had gotten scared of the world around him, feeling so vulnerable and open. He wanted to go back into the world he had created with you and stay there forever. And ever. And ever.

It was silent as Jisung threw away the sticky condom in his bin. The air in the room was still and he couldn't bring himself to say a word to break the tension. You were still recovering from everything and could only focus on the white ceiling while doing so. 

He threw his sweatpants back on, grabbing a towel from his closet to clean you up. He wasn't sure if you minded the mess you made all over yourself, but he took it up himself to wipe it away nonetheless.

"So this is what sex with you would be like.”

His face fell pale and he peered up from in between your legs. You couldn't resist teasing him regardless of the hour. 

Clearing his throat, he licked his dry lips, unsure of what to say. He suddenly felt so awkward—something that was rare when it came to the both of you. Instead of replying, he did his last swipe and finished cleaning you. 

Throwing the towel in his hamper, he joined you in his sheets, quickly not favoring the space in between you both.

You turned around to face him. “Sungie?”

It was dark in his room, but he could still see your face so well. He had memorized every part of you so skillfully that it began to petrify him. 

What if he’d never forget you? What if, all his life, whenever he’d meet someone new, he could never fall for them because they weren't you? 

“Hm?” He hummed in a low voice.

He’d never forget the songs you’d listened to or the things you’d talked about. He wouldn't dare forget the little inside jokes you both had or the laughs you shared. Surely, he wouldn't ever forget your smile or the sound of your voice. 

He’d never forget you, so please, don't forget him.

You woke up to the blaring sound of Jisung’s alarm.

Fluttering your eyes open, you were faced with him peacefully asleep. His hair was a mess and his arm was lazily draped over your body. The sunlight that crept past the blinds hit his bare back, a golden hue forming, and you had the sudden impulse to touch it. Just trace it and feel the marks you made last night.

The alarm continued.

“Maybe that would have been odd of you to do that,”  you wondered. But it was just so tempting that your fingers began to tingle from the thought. Your eyes were still hooded from your slumber and your eyesight wasn't the best but it almost looked like Heaven had appeared from behind him. 

Faded footsteps around the apartment began to sound, growing to become evidently prominent as they came to a stop behind the bedroom door. That was when the realization hit you. 

You had fucking class today. 

There was a knock at the bedroom door.

“Ji, you up?” Minho called out. 

Your eyes widened and you jumped up, throwing Jisung’s arm off you. It was evident he didn't hear or feel a single thing as he simply snuggled up against his pillow once more. 

Panicked by your compromising position with Minho behind the door, you tried to look for your phone. 

“Jisung!” You whispered adamantly, attempting to wake the boy up. 

His room was a mess. It wasn't like it was anything new, but today, it was too messy. His comforter reached the bottom of his bed, and blankets and pillows fallen off to the ground. Both of your clothes were scattered, pizza boxes and empty soda cans cluttered on his desk. 

It also didn't help that his alarm was still blaring that annoying tune.

Minho knocked again, louder. You jumped at the sound, throwing on Jisung’s shirt from last night. “Hanji, your alarm is loud as shit. Wake up,” he groaned and knocked for the third time.

Nothing.

Jisung was the heaviest sleeper ever. You grabbed a pillow from off the ground and smacked it onto his head and almost instantly his eyes shot open, startled. 

“What the fu—”

You covered his mouth with your hand, “Minho is here and I think I’m late for class.” He was still shocked by his abrupt awakening to process the words that exited your mouth. “Can you please turn off your alarm?” 

He wordlessly clicked the off button, unable to form a coherent sentence still.

Minho spoke again from behind the door, “Took you long enough.”

Aggressively signaling for Jisung to reply, his eyes widened, unsure of what to say. Ultimately enough the boy cleared his dry throat. “O-Oh sorry Lino?” He was rather confused and it was clear by the tone of his response.

“Don’t worry about it. It was just so loud,” Minho stifled a lighthearted laugh. You rolled your eyes at his laid-back tone. If you were in Jisung’s shoes, your door would've been busted down by now. “Anyways, I’m making pancakes. You want some?”

“Yeah sure, thanks. I'll be out in a bit.” 

Once Minho walked off, you groaned continuing to scavenge the mess on the ground in search of your phone. Pancakes sounded really good right now and you could feel your stomach begin to grumble as you thought about devouring them. 

You picked up a stray pillow from off the ground and finally saw a familiar case. “Thank God,” you sighed. Once turning it on, you noticed two things. One, that you were indeed late for class, and two, that you had a few missed messages from Hyunjin.

hyunjin: hey, are you coming to lit? 

hyunjin: maybe we can walk togetherrrr

hyunjin: lol i guess ur skipping??

Jisung finally spoke up, “So are you actually late?” You nodded, busy as you figured out how to respond to Hyunjin. 

He sat up against his headboard, rubbing his sleepy eyes. Noticing your stale expression as you looked at your phone, he leaned over to grab his phone from his nightstand. 

“What time is it? Is it that bad?” 

You sat back on his bed, “No, it’s only ten but—it’s just that Hyunjin texted me.”

Jisung glanced up from his phone briefly before looking back down. He tried his hardest to not show how bothered he’d become in a matter of seconds. “What did he say?” He yawned. Honestly, he could've cared less, especially after last night, but he was always such a curious soul.

“He wanted to walk to class together.” You were attempting to formulate a text to respond with, but your mind kept blanking. “I’m not sure of what to say…” You turned to him, handing your phone over with pleading eyes. “Can you please make something up?”

You see, most people compared eyes to oceans or galaxies. Not your eyes though. They reminded him of his favorite thing, coffee. He thought about it for a moment, and then met your eyes. That was when he realized that's probably why he felt so awake when you looked at him. You were like coffee in the morning. 

He sat up straighter, gulping, with wide eyes. “Y-Yeah, of course.” It was when he took your phone he wondered why you wouldn't just tell Hyunjin the truth—that you woke up late. But he’d rather not question you, not when he was simply willing to do anything you wanted him to.

He sent a text and handed the phone back to you.

You didn't bother reading what he had sent, too ashamed of yourself for waking up late and missing an opportunity with Hyunjin after a long weekend apart. 

“Thanks.” 

Jisung gave you a thin-lipped smile, finally standing up from his bed. Not only did he realize his room was an utter mess, but he felt like he was about to pass out again when he took a look at you on his bed still.

Of course, you were clothed this time around, but even seeing you wearing his shirt made his chest flutter. It wasn't good for his sanity to see you there anymore. 

“Aren't you late for class?” 

You groaned, throwing your head on his pillow in despair. You were killing him, seriously. “I’m already late. Should I still g-”

“Yes.” His tone was adamant which caught you by surprise

“Woah, did I suck that bad last night?” You scoffed, jokingly. Jisung felt something in his pants twitch as he finally recalled the events that he wanted to ignore. Your eyes trailed down to his sweatpants and you laughed. “Hmm, I guess not.”

His jaw dropped and he quickly grabbed a pillow from the floor to cover his very clear hard-on. For the first time, in a long time, he was embarrassed in front of you. There was no doubt that he was flustered, his cheeks darkened in color as he tried whatever he could to suppress the feeling between his legs. 

But his mind kept running to when you first kissed him last night to when you begged for him, and when he begged for you—it was all too much to take right now.

Of course, you were good. 

He decided to let that topic of conversation die out because he’d die of embarrassment himself if he didn't. “So, are you coming tonight?” Clearing his throat, he hugged the pillow against his crotch tighter silently praying that by the time he removed it, everything would be okay. 

“Tonight? What’s tonight?”

“Chan and Bin’s party.”

Ah, the event Hyunjin referred to on Friday that he was going to—well, maybe he wasn't anymore. Who knew? The lack of communication was killing you and you felt a pit in your stomach again when you recalled the missed opportunity with him this morning again. 

You were getting tired of yourself, you shouldn't think too much about him.

So you thought about it for a moment, unknowingly letting your eyes drift down to the pillow that was held against Jisung’s trembling hands. “Whose going to be there?”

“Everyone you know. Come.” 

“Well, what if it's boring?” 

The boy rolled his eyes at your obvious attempt to be difficult on purpose. “It won't be boring! I’ll be there.”

“That's interesting considering you're in the middle of hiding your boner Jisung.” You suppressed another laugh, a smile was plastered on your face. Toying with him was one of the best things you knew how to do.

That’s interesting, considering you fucked your best friend.

If it was possible for someone's face to catch on fire, his would’ve been by now. He didn't even know what to say, he was at a loss for words. His expression was evident and he didn't even bother to conceal it.

“Relax, I’ll think about it.”

It wasn't long until you found yourself getting ready for the party later that night. Inevitably enough, you already knew that you were going to end up attending. Especially since you were about eighty percent sure that Hyunjin was going to be there. 

You just missed him a lot, and you couldn't stop thinking about him.

“Are you almost ready?” Minho peered into your room. Seeing how you were in the middle of grabbing your bag and already dressed, he assumed you were. “Nevermind, I guess you are. ” 

The both of you ended up walking over to your friend's house together as it wasn't too far away. You were really starting to get tired of the cold, mostly at night when the sun was gone and the wind went crazy. 

Minho turned over to you, “Ji said he that he’s already there, right?”

You nodded. “Yeah, he went early to set up. Let’s hope they are done by now.”

“If they aren't, I’m going back home. I still need to pack for break,” he nonchalantly said, causing you to laugh. His personality was very unique that often you wondered if he’d ever find someone to be with.

You looped your arm in his, partly because you knew he would roll his eyes and because, well, you were cold. “I’m sure they’re done Lino.”

Finally arriving, the both of you were greeted by Changbin at the door. 

“Hey guys!” He was a cheerful mess and you wondered if he was already drunk. The party technically hadn't even started yet but still, suddenly you wanted to be on his level. 

Minho scrunched his nose in distaste, “How are you already drunk?” You stifled a laugh, covering your mouth with your free hand. 

“I kept taste testing the punch…” Changbin confessed, a grin still plastered onto his face.

There was a voice in the back that abruptly called out to Changbin. “Are people here already? You automatically knew who it was just by that.

Jisung appeared, his eyes instantly catching yours. “O-Oh hey guys.” He cleared his throat realizing how weird he sounded. You just looked so pretty that you caught him by surprise. Not that it was anything new—but he had to stop getting nervous like this. “Finally, you guys made it! We need some help.”

There was a groan from beside you, “I knew it…Y/N, didn't I tell you.”

“Mhm, you did,” you nodded, pursing your lips.

“Tell her what?” Jisung wanted to know too.

Minho sighed dramatically at the boy, “That you guys were going to take forever to set up!”

Jisung’s mouth fell into an ‘O’ shape because it was true. Low expectations were needed when it came to setting up for parties. But despite the struggle in doing so, 3Racha always ended up throwing the best functions on campus, so for that, he was still happy.

“Ji, where do you guys need us? We’ll help.” You asked, disregarding your friend's complaints from beside you.

After hearing his orders, you all headed to your designated stations. Yours was to blow up the remainder of the balloons and you thought that was a pretty easy task… until you were actually doing it. 

Your lungs were suffering by the time you tied the tenth balloon. There was no way you were going to finish the entire bag.

Jisung on the other hand was making some random concoction with Changbin in the kitchen as Minho, annoyed as ever, poured snacks into several big bowls.

All of you had about an hour until people would show up and that was more than enough time to finish everything. Well, aside from the current balloon you were attempting to blow.

Your phone buzzed with a text, and you gladly took it as a sign to give your lungs a break.

jisung: i hate you for looking so pretty today wtf

You laughed to yourself, rolling your eyes. He was too ridiculous.

you: that’s not very nice

jisung: fine, what do you want me to say?

jisung: damn ma the universe took its time with you

you: definitely not that…

The both of you texted for a minute more before somebody walked over to you. Setting your phone down, you realized that it was Chan.

He sat beside you on the couch, “Do you need some help? I know balloons can be a tad bit tricky.”

Your eyes lit up and you smiled. “Oh my gosh, yes! Thank you! I thought I was going to die.”

Soon enough the both of you were able to finish whatever was left of the bag in a reasonable amount of time and Chan proceeded to then work on the music.

Minho walked in and plopped onto the couch beside you. Assuming his task was done too, you offered if he wanted a drink. He thought about it for a second before ultimately agreeing.

You walked over to the kitchen where your friends were still creating their concoction. Why was it taking forever to make spiked punch? You grew slightly concerned by its contents before ultimately letting them be. 

After grabbing two beers from off the counter, Jisung called out for you.

“Wait, Y/N. Come try this!” He offered, pouring some of the liquid he made into a plastic cup. “Changbin is too drunk.”

You looked at him suspiciously, “Why won't you try it?”

“Bro, I’ll get fucked up after one sip. I’d prefer to let the party start first.” 

That sounded about correct. Agreeing, you walked over to him and took the cup, taking a long sip. You winced as it went down, it was too strong. 

“You need to add more juice. Are you trying to give someone fucking alcohol poisoning?” You gagged at the aftertaste that was left on your tongue.

Jisung laughed at your reaction, “Wait, let me try it actually.” He took your cup back and added another ladle in. Taking a sip, he immediately spat it back. “This tastes like nail polish remover.”

The both of you fell into a fit of laughter, daring each other to take just one more sip. For a moment, Jisung had forgotten that he was in love with you. After all that had happened between you both, he felt like a kid with his best friend again.

He missed this feeling. He missed having you as his best friend.

“Y/N, you would be a horrible waitress, you know?” Minho said walking into the kitchen and interrupting your playtime. “You were supposed to get us drinks like ten years ago.”

You rolled your eyes, a smile still on your face from the laughter you just had. “You are such a drama queen Lino.”

“And stupid. Every time Y/N and Hanji are put in the same room, they are like"—Changbin suddenly clapped his hands—"magnets,” he staggered a chuckle. 

If you were honest, you’d forgotten he was in the room with you guys the entire time. 

Jisung felt his cheeks redden at the sound and refocused his attention on the awful punch he made. He should listen to your advice and add more juice instead of playing around—especially when people were supposed to start coming in now. 

But he was stuck between, "I really want to talk to you,” and "I really need to get over you.”

He internally groaned, cursing himself. He just needed to stop thinking, and let go.

He just loved you so much. He was in love with every single thing about you. Hearing your voice made him feel happy in seconds, and hearing your laugh made him smile no matter how hard he tried not to. When you smiled at him from across the room, his heart went all crazy and he had gotten the familiar butterflies—the ones that guided themselves back into his stomach not so long ago.

And when you finally hugged him before leaving the kitchen and held him in your arms, he didn't care about anything else except you and him. The both of you. You were just so important to him. 

You were his best friend and literally, his everything.

Soon enough, people staggered into the house—some already drunk. It wasn't too far into it that you realized you weren't really a party girl anymore. After the three years, you had been in college, they had just gotten too repetitive to enjoy them anymore.

You looked around the living room, there were a lot of people scattered everywhere. So many different personalities and lives. You see, you never wish to be easily defined. You’d rather float over other people's minds as something strictly fluid and non-perceivable; more like a transparent, paradoxically iridescent creature rather than an actual person.

But that would be too hard to explain in this complex world.

Sighing, you swallowed the rest of the punch in your cup. Where was Hyunjin? You kept thinking about him, hoping he’d walk in sometime soon but he hadn’t for over an hour now. 

You walked over to the punch, pouring another serving. It also didn't help that you felt like your tolerance had turned out to be better than you expected. You simply just weren't getting drunk and at this moment, you really wanted to.

Chugging down what you had poured, you almost spit it back out when your eyes finally landed on Hyunjin. He came.

When he walked into a room, people were aware. He was esoteric, distinctive, and different. His aura commanded intrigue and people would watch and stare in awe.

You finally saw him. It almost felt like you were drunk and just imagining it all.

Do you go up to him? Maybe he already found people to hang out with? You weren't sure what to do.

Jisung scared you from behind, grabbing ahold of your shoulders. You scowled, hitting him. “Don't fucking scare me like that.”

He brought his hands up in surrender, “Sorry! You just looked like you were zoning out. I couldn't help myself.” Just seconds ago, his eyes had spotted you and he couldn't help but gawk and your beauty when you didn't notice it. 

The dress you wore complimented your body very well.

But until he heard you speak, despite the aggression, it wasn't even about how you looked anymore, it was about who you were. He may meet other beautiful girls, but there was something unforgettable about you. It could be your character, your essence, or your vibe, or it could just be the fact that in a world so superficial, you chose to be yourself. 

You rolled your eyes at Jisung and went back to looking at Hyunjin who stood at the same spot. He looked so fucking pretty it hurt. You wanted to run over and shower him with kisses and tell him how much you missed him. 

And maybe you were starting to finally feel the alcohol hit you because you were so tempted to do so, that you took one step forward before you saw Hyunjin reach out his hand for someone.

You halted your movement and it was almost as if you felt your world come crashing down when you saw that the person who grabbed his hand was the girl from the night at the club, Bora.

In a perfect world, it was smooth, it was bliss, it was peaceful. Overwhelmed with content, Hyunjin would hold your hand and body close endlessly and it would feel so good because you knew just how much he loved you. 

He’d want to learn more and more about you and you’d answer each question because you could never bare to leave him clueless. 

But it never occurred to you that each question was a step closer to the end. You never realized that one day he was going to run out of questions. 

Jisung’s eyes followed your gaze and he sighed. And by the way Hyunjin’s face was filled with contentment as he laughed with Bora now, playing with her hands, he knew you had to be hurt.

You see, you saw the signs but chose to ignore them; the distant look in his eyes lately, and the lack of emotion. It wasn't the same as before when you and Hyunjin both started to see each other in the beginning. The lack of effort he began to give and how your conversations just seemed to end. 

You didn't want to accept the truth that was bluntly in front of your face. What did she have that you didn't? Maybe he was slowly losing interest in you. So much so, it made your heart break.

You weren't hurt because he didn't talk to you, he most likely didn't see you yet. You were hurt because you expected him to. You expected him to feel your presence and just look at you. Smile at you. 

You expected him to be waiting impatiently to see you, just to tell you “Hi”, just like you had been. To tell you that you looked beautiful. That your smile lit up his world.

You expected him to tell you about the funny stories you had missed all weekend, and laugh together. Not leaving until he told you goodbye and made you smile. You were hoping he didn't change, but your expectations made it worse. 

He never looked at you. Never talked to you. Never smiled. Nor laughed. And while you were waiting for him to, you knew he wouldn't. He was too busy with her.

And that's what made you feel worse. Expectations.

This would've been the best time for Jisung to tell you about who Bora was to Hyunjin but something compelled him to stay silent.

You turned around in your shoes, pouring another cup and drinking it within seconds. Jisung’s eyebrows rose in shock as he saw you refilling it yet again. 

“Woah, woah. Slow down.” He attempted to take the cup from you but you finished it before he could. “Just forget about him at least for tonight, Y/N.” 

You ignored him, throwing your cup away in the bin beside him. “Hey Jisung.” His eyes looked at you, waiting for you to continue as he was unsure of where you were headed. You leaned in and brought your lips to his ear, “Do you want to fuck me again?”

The color quickly drained from his face, growing pale. “W-What?”

You weren't in the right state of mind. You just saw the boy you loved with another girl, of course, you weren't thinking straight. 

“Do you?” You wrapped your arms around his neck, giving him a small kiss on his jaw. 

Yes. A million times, yes. But not now when your judgment was skewed. Still, he didn't have the heart to say no to you.

The lack of response made you scoff. “Well okay then.” You removed your arms from his neck, adjusting your small dress. “I’ll just find someone else, I guess.”

It was so much easier to act like none of it mattered. To pretend to wear a smile than to confess that his heart was ever so delicately dangling on a tight rope. It could be easily broken, you know? Completely and utterly shattered from losing someone who was never his, to begin with. You just needed to say the right words.

You attempted to walk away, but he held your wrist, not letting you distance yourself further from him. “You’re drunk. Stop it,” he sighed.

Laughing, you shook your head. “But I’m not, Ji. I’m perfectly sober—maybe a little tipsy, if anything.” You pulled your wrist away from his grasp, “I just hate being in love with someone who doesn't want to be with me.”

“That’s not true, he might…”

“Now, you’re just saying things to make me feel better.” You hugged your arms around your torso. “You really wouldn't understand, Sungie.”

How fucking ironic.

All the times you didn't look at him or call him over earlier in the night because you were too busy looking at the front door to see if Hyunjin would walk in. What he felt because of it—Jisung didn't show you. So when he finally came to you, he told himself that he wouldn't: he knew he had no right to feel it. 

But still, it didn't mean he didn't.

He hated how he told himself that he was giving up on you and yet years later, he was here, still trying. Because nothing made him happier and nothing made him sadder than you.

Every time you appeared, his heart grew a little too big and broke a little more.

His eyebrows rose, "So, that’s what you really think?" You bit on the inside of your cheek, not answering him. "You are probably the most interesting girl I've ever met.” 

It was the nicest way he could possibly call you the dumbest girl he’d ever met.

You didn't understand. You didn't see how he looked at you, how he fell for you every time you smiled, whenever he looked at you, he had to think about something else because all he wanted to do was kiss you. You didn't understand how whenever you were with Hyunjin, it literally killed him because he didn't love you like he loved you.

You loved Hyunjin more than he would ever know, and Jisung loved you more than he would ever show. What a tragedy.

Jisung grabbed your hand, guiding you toward the bathroom. At this point, he needed to be alone with you. You were driving him insane and if he was being sincere, he didn't seem to care anymore.

He shut the door and his eyes focused on you.

Everything around you suddenly smelled like him, like it belonged to him—like he was poured into the bottle you were drowning in. 

You didn't even realize that you were leaning into him, inhaling the scent of his neck until you found his hands were around your waist, and he said, "You," and he whispered it, he pressed the word into your skin before he hesitated. 

Then again, softer.

His chest, heaving harder this time. His words, almost gasping this time. "You destroy me."

At the time, you didn't know what he meant. You were too engrossed by the stillness around you. His voice in your ear... it did interesting things to you. It curved your back and parted your lips. You felt lazy and feline.

You saw Jisung get closer, and you closed your eyes, opening them to find him mere inches away. You suck in a breath as he cupped your face, bringing you closer still. In a matter of seconds, his lips touched yours, and your eyes close once more. 

His lips continue their exploration, gently at first, and then unyieldingly hard. You opened for him and his tongue snaked its way inside your mouth. His hands move from your face to your lower back as he pulled you toward him, closing whatever space was left between you. 

A few moments later, he broke the kiss, whispering something in your ear that sounded like nonsense. You pulled him even closer, grabbed a fistful of his hair, and kissed him as hard as you could. Your fingers were already attempting to release the button on his jeans. 

Jisung tasted like peppermint and smelled like cinnamon and gardenias. His arms were wrapped around you, his lips soft, almost sweet against your skin. There was an electric charge between you both that you hadn't anticipated.

Your head was spinning.

His lips were on your neck, tasting you, and you forced yourself to think straight. To force yourself to understand the issue of this situation. It was wrong, you knew it. But you didn't know how to reconcile the confusion in your mind, your hesitant repulsion, your inexplicable chemical reaction to his lips. 

You needed to feel him. Now.

Jisung lifted you by the waist, hoisting you up onto the edge of the sink, his hands cupping your rear, forcing your legs to wrap around him. He didn't realize that he had given you the perfect angle to press yourself against him.

"Do you want me to leave?" Jisung’s lips were at your ear when he spoke. He was breathing harder now and you felt his heart pound against you.

"No," you said too quickly. "No."

He leaned back, just a little. "Tell me what you want then," he said desperately. "Tell me what to do," he said, "and I'll do it."

What you were both doing—it wasn't normal. 

You could choose to look away if you wanted to, but you didn't. Your chest rose and fell as your breathing became labored. And suddenly your clothes felt far too tight on your skin. 

The moment he turned his head to lock eyes with yours, you knew what you both were about to do.

He lifted his right hand to move a strand of hair that had become stuck to your forehead and placed it behind your ear.

Your mouth went dry. "I—I don't know what I'm doing.”

"Anything you do will be enough."

You tried to remember how to speak, but you were too focused on the fingers he was running down your thighs to form sentences. There's something about the absolute darkness, about not being able to see what was happening that made you drunk, not with the liquor, but with a delicious dizziness. 

Sometimes he’d look at you and you’d look at him and just know. Both of your eyes spoke more than your mouths ever did. Some of your glances said, "I want you right now" and he said, "It's okay, I'm here."

And that was all you managed to say.

He leaned his forehead against yours and lightly scoffed knowing that was far from the truth. "You know," he said. "It's so hard for me to stop myself." His words tingled on your skin.

You allowed your hands to slip under his shirt. You traced the perfectly sculpted lines of his body. He was nothing but lean muscle. "You don't have to," you told him. His fingers were at the dip right below your hip bone, teasing the small piece of fabric that kept you halfway decent

Surely, he had to.

It was hard for him that you weren't together. He never knew where the lines were. He wanted to cross them all the time. You’d kissed and touched, but then you’d both go back to being just friends and it was confusing.

He wanted to feel your wet core swallow his fingers whole. He wanted to give you everything you wanted tonight. 

Your hands landed flat above his collarbones, fingers curling into his shirt. He kept one hand on your waist and moved the other across your jaw. Still, he didn't bring his mouth down on yours. His eyes shifted between your own half-closed eyelids and then focused in on your lips—which pouted in response.

"You've got to stop looking at me like that." He brushed his thumb across your bottom lip, and your eyes were fully closed. He groaned, "Don't do that either."

Your voice was breathier than you’d heard before. "Do what?" 

"Act like you want my touch that much."

“But I do.”

He brushed your lip again, longer this time, from one corner to the other. You reeled from it, but you held still so he wouldn't pull away. You didn't want him to stop.

“No, you don't.”

Your tongue found the pad of his thumb. Rough and salty. Possessing by whatever force there was between you both, you nipped his thumb gently as you looked up at him. Ask him to stay, and he would. 

You wrapped your legs around his waist and whispered in his ear. "Stay.” 

This was his cue to kiss you again, much more softly this time around. To wrap his fingers in your hair and later enclose them around your neck. Gently, but just hard enough to feel your pulse. The quiet beat, beating. 

You wouldn't always be this vulnerable, this open. Right now your trust was in the palm of his hand. This was his cue to pull you closer. He placed a gentle thumb on your bottom lip and you breathed out. 

"Stay, stay, stay," you said as you rubbed yourself against his leg. 

He loved you. You: it's such a simple word. How did a three-letter word make him think of three thousand different things? Your smile, your laugh, your voice. The tingles that were sent up his spine when you touched him. His heart skipped a beat when you looked at him. You, the girl who made him happy.

His eyes drifted down to yours, and it was over. His lips caught yours in a hard kiss, driving them apart with the force of it. Now, there was nothing gentle about it. You felt the sink creak as you shifted, him pressing you against it.

Every thought in your head exploded to a pure, pounding white, and you felt the dark curl of desire begin to twist inside you, bending all your rules, snapping that last trembling bit of restraint. 

It was just like it had been before you slid your hands under his shirt to press him closer. The low groan at the back of his throat, a small, pleading noise that set every inch of your skin on fire.

To him, you were an electrical storm dazzling with light and intensity and he would gladly stand like a fool, arm outstretched, just to be struck down by you.

So he told you he would stay. He said: "Okay."

Jisung watched you today. 

As you turned through the pages of the book, you cried. 

You looked beautiful as he watched the different stages of your emotions. And one day he wanted to make you feel all those things. 

Emotions were a beautiful thing and he wanted to thank you for showing them. When he saw you cry, he had to fight the urge to run toward you and hold you. It was in his natural instinct to do so, but he didn't want to ruin it. Ruin how beautiful your eyes were as they shed a tear over the story you lived, over a character you loved. 

He looked at a tree wistfully, trying to keep his mind busy away from you. But even the simplest thing as a tree, allowed memories to flow in, full force. 

He remembered when he was about fourteen he ran away from home for the first time. The reasoning was stupid, probably over a small argument between his parents—but all Jisung remembered was that he didn't know where to go. 

So he came and sat under a sycamore tree, the peculiar sun beaming down on him.

It turned out that he wasn't the only one with that idea.

Under the sycamore tree, he found you reading, your hair was messily thrown into a ponytail, unaware of his presence just yet. He wanted to run up to you and spill whatever it was inside his busy mind, but you looked too peaceful and he didn't want to ruin it. 

So instead, under the sycamore tree, he watched the stars and talked about the meaning of life with someone he truly cared about. Soon enough he would end up ranting to you, you’d listen, and he’d thank you for that.

Under the sycamore tree, he looked at you, his best friend who he had never really given a second thought to, and felt his heart turn. You began to be everything he had wanted. He watched the sun set on the most beautiful pair of eyes he had probably ever seen.

Have you ever seen your own eyes? They were rich and bright, he could get lost in them. But on that particular night, when the leaves were falling all around you, your eyes were just pure, radiant gold. He got lost in the shadows of those eyes for the first time.

Your eyes were his favorite, you know?

He shook that memory away.

As your watery eyes scanned the page, you laughed and then smiled. The type of smile that started off from the side of your face and then stretched out entirely. At that moment, he knew that he had to have you. 

And he guessed he wouldn't stop until he could wake up to that smile. 

If he was being honest, he always thought he'd be alone. Surely the two of you were going to be best friends forever, but he knew that you’d find someone who really loved you the way you wanted to be loved. And deep down he knew he was never a part of that equation. 

That's how he lived ever since he chose to forget, and to be honest he liked it until he saw you. Until he really saw you. 

When he was younger, he wasn't afraid of anything. But then, everything changed. Suddenly he started to think that, he wanted to be better—do better. For the first time, the idea of being alone began to scare him. It was on his mind and he never felt that kind of feeling—until he was almost paralyzed.

Until he was looking at the sunset, with you by his side, your head on his shoulder. You both watched all the colors melt and everything seemed calm at that moment.

And he felt like he could actually breathe. The stars started to appear and he could feel it in his soul. 

He felt alive.

Now, it was until he heard the soft sound of your laughter. How your cheeks turned rosy pink as you blushed over a character. And until he saw your emotions, how they all came from that one book. 

The Silence Between Two Special Songs.

He remembered saying how much he hated that book before… and suddenly you changed him. 

Had you ever felt that way? Have you ever had your entire perspective of something change so quickly because of a person? Of course, you had.

He didn't want to be alone anymore. Being alone seemed even more lonely. He just wanted you. So today, you fell in love with a book and he fell in love with you falling for a book. 

And it was bad because he couldn't get you out of his mind for the rest of the day. 

He’d focus on the sounds of the floorboard creaking as you did whatever you needed to do in your room. He’d hear your muffled laughter and conversations you had on your phone, even though he tried his best to drown it out.

Jisung was so hyperaware around you that it was driving him crazy. Everything about you was a reminder. His bed, his sheets, the movies he saw, the music he listened to—quite literally everything you had shared together was tainted with the memory of you.

It was all too much for him, especially with a song due in a couple of days. He needed to get his work done but you were just so distracting, and you didn't even know it. 

This resulted in him making his way over to his best friend’s apartment. They’d be home and working on what he needed to be doing too, so this was the only plausible option. 

Chan opened the front door wide enough to let him in, “Hey Ji.”

“Thanks for letting me crash here tonight, I just need a space to work tonight peacefully. My apartment was just so loud I couldn't think straight.” Jisung rambled. 

It was obvious by the way color came back to his face that he finally took a breath—one he had been holding in all fucking day. 

Aside from Minho, Chan was also a quick study, able to know when things just weren't okay. In his nature, he was a problem solver and always wanted to be of help, offering the best solutions. 

But with this came along with being aware and respectful of boundaries, which was why he stopped himself from questioning his obviously frantic friend.

He watched as Jisung set his bag down on the couch, unsure of how to correctly approach the situation. “Do you want to watch something before we work? Maybe a movie? Bin suggested this short film that he watched earlier today was good. We can watch that, yeah?” 

Chan grabbed the disc from the coffee table. It’d be best to get whatever it was off Jisung’s mind, he thought.

Jisung wanted to say no so he could just finish the song that was due. But if he was being honest with himself, his mind was not in the correct place. So he plopped down onto the couch, complying.

Luckily the movie lasted an hour. Changbin had come home midway, bearing some chicken and beer that Chan texted him privately about to bring. The sinister music played as the movie ended, and white credits rolled down the screen.

“And that my boys, is why falling in love with someone is a no-go.” Changbin crossed his arms together. 

Chan cleared his throat, sipping on his can of beer. “Actually, love is a pretty nice thing.”

Changbin rolled his eyes, knowing where this was headed. “Chan just because you’re dating my sister doesn't mean this doesn't apply to you too.”

“So you want me to break your sister’s heart, Binnie?”

“You can try all you want.” Changbin waved off, although he knew his friend wouldn't do it. And he was right, Chan would never break her heart. He loved her so much that it consumed him. 

They wouldn't know yet, but Jisung was all too familiar with that feeling. He bitterly laughed, “Changbin, come back to us when you fall in love with someone.”

It was comical, the way Changbin laughed from his side of the couch. “And what do you know about love, Jisung? The last girl you dated was during our first year and you got the biggest ick after.”

Jisung waited a few moments before dropping his shoulders. What did he know about love, he wondered. Despite his only relationship lasting a couple of months, he could confidently say that he never even thought about the idea of love with them.

It wasn't that he was too young, he already felt love way before that. And now, it kind of made sense to him. It seemed as though the category of love had always been tucked away safely for you, and only you.

He grabbed the remote, pausing the movie that ran through its credits. "I guess when you love someone, they become a part of who you are. They're in everything you do. They're in the air you breathe and the water you drink and the blood in your veins.” 

He thought about you. You became more deep and meaningful. And when he was with you, that was probably the highlight of his day, just sitting next to you in silence made him happy. 

Surely that was when it was supposed to hit him—that he was supposed to realize that he might love you more than a friend because he couldn't get rid of the knot in his heart that he constantly felt around you.

Now, every touch, every hug, became so precious to him, because he finally understood what was happening to him. So no, he wasn't too young to know about love. She just wasn't you.

Jisung continued to speak, “Their touch stays on your skin and their voice stays in your ears and their thoughts stay in your mind. You know their dreams because their nightmares pierce your heart and their good dreams are your dreams too.” He had a sad smile as he reminisced on the dreams he had that were so vivid. “And I guess, although they don't think they're perfect, you know their flaws, the deep-down truth of them, and the shadows of all their secrets, and they are perfect to you; in fact, you love them more for it. You want them. You want-”

He broke it off then, realizing his friends were looking at him.

"You want what?" Changbin’s looked at him with enormous eyes.

"Nothing," Jisung said. "I'm just talking." And he shut off the TV and picked up the empty boxes and cans of beer. "I'm going to throw these away," he said, and left.

Changbin looked over at Chan who was still in the midst of attempting to process what just happened. "When he falls in love, it's going to be like…wow."

"Of course, then we'll probably never see him again," said Chan, looking after his friend from afar, who was in the kitchen tying the trash bag closed. "Lucky girl, whoever she'll be."

It was nearly midnight by the time the boys began to finally work on their music. Of course soon after, much to their demise, Changbin made an excuse to grab something from his room and ended up passing out on his bed.

The remaining two decided against waking him up as he probably would’ve been groggy and of no help at all. Writing songs was something that they had all been used to for years but having the experience never made it any easier. 

“I never knew you knew so much about love, Hanji.” Chan abruptly stated, leaning back in his chair with a sigh. He needed to give his mind a break or else it would've overclocked.

Jisung’s eyes widened slightly, flustered by the sudden conversation. “Oh,” he shrugged. “I don't know that much.”

His friend staggered a laugh, unable to believe him after what he heard earlier. “You sure? You seemed to take the words right out of my mouth if I'm being honest.”

He rolled his eyes playfully now, “I suppose I watch a lot of dramas.”

“I mean, it starts out with friendship it always does. But then it starts to bloom into something more, right?” Chan continued disregarding his friend’s excuse. It caused Jisung to raise his eyebrows, unsure of where Chan was headed. “At first, it’s always pointless banter and small talk, but slowly it progresses into long conversations about your past, and what you want for the future.”  

He paused waiting for Jisung to respond, but he didn't.

Chan hummed, “Well, that was the case with me. I thought that maybe it was the same in the dramas…” He picked up his phone to reply back to his girlfriend.

Jisung was hesitant in what he was about to admit. He wasn't sure if this was wise of him, quite frankly, he was not confident in how it will play out.

 Nonetheless, he emitted a long, deep, audible breath, “I slept with Y/N.”

“Don't you always?” Chan was unbothered, still typing away.

“No, I slept with her.” Jisung reiterated it, slowly.

He looked up from his phone, frozen. “Wait, what?”

Jisung put his hands on his head. His brain felt like it was going to explode. “I fucked up. I know. But—”

“Jisung, you need to explain what you just said. You had sex with Y/N?” Chan sat up, adamant in trying to understand where this was coming from. There was no way he was lying, it was evident by the way he was acting. But sex? It was far from what he had expected.

The boy sighed, “Twice. We had sex twice.”

“Fuck Ji.” Chan stood up, his mouth covered by his hand. 

“I know but I think we could’ve had something real,” Jisung confessed. “Maybe I’m wrong, but I think she could’ve loved me.” His world began to spin and spin. “She meant a lot to me. Every smile, every glance from across a room, every time she made me laugh so hard I couldn’t breathe meant a lot to me,” he said and smiled, but his eyes were in the midst of collecting a few tears.

Chan bent down where Jisung sat, still trying to grasp the information he was told. He was aware of his friend's crackling emotions. “Do you guys like each other? Where did all of this suddenly come from?”

He bitterly chuckled, “She doesn't like me.”

You always seemed too good for Jisung, and that had nothing to do with how you looked. You always put three sugars in your coffee because you couldn’t stand the bitter taste alone and you often smelled like lavender because once you read somewhere that lavender made people happier, and you liked to see the people around you smile.

“Then how di-”

Jisung shook his head, not wanting to stop expressing the truth despite it all. “She’s in love with Hyunjin.” His voice curdled into jealousy.

Chan sighed at the news. But wasn't Hyunjin with Bora? He was so confused but Jisung had become a fragile vase and he was scared of breaking him by asking too many questions. 

“The worst part is, I think I could still have kissed her all day though,” Jisung continued quietly. “I could have swept back the loose strands of hair from her eyes and spent the morning just like that.” He quickly wiped his eyes, “And maybe it was because there was too much sadness in her heart, but she kissed like she needed to be kissed—like she was aching all over.”

One could see it in Jisung’s eyes. you both weren't quite friends anymore. You both had crossed such a big boundary. The way he smiled with you? Friends didn't smile like that. The way he put his hand on your back? Friends didn't touch each other like that. The way his face lit up when you spoke? Friends didn't look at each other like that. The way his voice changed when he said your name? Friends didn't talk like that. 

Slowly, everything started to make sense to his friend.

“You love her, don't you?”

"For me, it was never a case of loving her. I’ve loved her my entire fucking life and I have never stopped,” Jisung exhaled, running a hand down his face. “I tried to let her go before—I told myself to think about everything my feelings for her had done to hurt me, but all I can think about was my smile in the mornings and my laughs late at night.”

He let out a broken whisper, continuing. “She was the reason for that, she made my days better. Sure, people have bad days but in the end, the good always outweighed them.” He pulled onto the drawstring of his hoodie gently, “I guess what I'm trying to say is that she was my good and everything in between.”

In Jisung’s pitiful mind, no matter how much he knew you were a bad idea, he couldn't completely give up on you. In the back of his mind, he believed that this was his second chance to do it all over again… but correctly. Correct enough to the point where you would be his.

It could be six a.m. and all he’d want to do is lay next to you with your hands locked together, and legs intertwined. He’d want your face buried in his neck, and he’d want to listen to your breathing. 

He’d want you to wake up and tell him, "I'm so tired" because he’d want to whisper, "Go back to sleep" and he’d want to hold you tighter when you did.

He’d want to lie in bed alone with you, in the comforting quiet of the early morning hours, and maybe write a song in his dreams while you both slept. 

He wanted to be simple with you, and he wanted to be whatever you need him to be. Because it was real for him. 

He didn't know what it was for you. But for him, it was real. Everything meant more than it should have. So much that he was willing to be with you forever. And that's what hurt the most.

He looked at you with what ifs and could haves and hearts full of regret.

“Back in high school, I tried to write a song about her,” Jisung admitted.

Chan continued to be weary of what he said. He needed to make sure that it wouldn't end up being the wrong thing. “Tried? You mean you finished it but it wasn't good enough?” And although he had so many questions, the best thing he could do right there was to listen to the boy.

“No, I didn't even finish it. I stopped writing it because I was wrong.” He scoffed. “I was so completely wrong about it all.”

You see, Jisung thought he could make it beautiful. He thought he could tear himself apart and make a mosaic out of the pieces. He thought the heartbreak was temporary, that the words could be beautiful enough to show just how liberating love could be despite the pain. He thought he could have roses without thorns.

There was just so much Jisung could say to his friend that he could've spent hours talking about it. It wasn't wise for him to do so, his emotions were all over the place and he needed to calm down.

He let out a breath, "I don't know.” He slumped over against the couch, his arm resting against his side. "Is this a mistake?" 

It took Chan a few moments to respond. "Of course it is,” he hummed. Jisung felt his heart drop at his answer. “You’re getting involved with your best friend, don't look too shocked... But, who knows?” 

Chan was trying his best to find the right thing to say to him and the boy waited to take in every word. 

"Who knows if something good will happen—or something worse. All I'm trying to say is that it's okay if you don't know what to feel or if you don't know what you want. Sometimes it's okay to not want something you worked so hard on getting after realizing it wasn't what you thought it was.” Chan clarified.

Jisung sighed, “I’m just scared.”

"It’s okay to be scared. You can change your mind or make however mistakes you want. It's your life and you don't need validation from anyone other than you." Chan patted his thigh, gently, giving him a soft smile. "But I just want you to know that it’s not selfish to love yourself, to take care of yourself, and make your happiness a priority." 

Jisung’s body began to heat up, his friend was right. 

It was four in the morning when he answered your text. He was sprawled out on the couch, wrapped in a blanket Chan had given him. After his conversation with him, Jisung was left with a much more sensible head than the one he came with. 

His eyes felt heavy and he just wanted slumber to come up and whisk him away. 

It was annoying though, every time he closed his eyes, he still thought of you. Everything was still fresh and maybe he needed time to figure things out more. 

Many years later and he still stayed up at night, your smile and laughter etched in his mind, wondering where you were and what you were doing, he’d smile to himself thinking of the memories with you. His heart yearned for you, to hold you close to him right now. 

You replied right as he was falling asleep. He sighed and read your message. 

you: you're up? 

The only people actually up this late were either heartbroken or in love. He rubbed his sleepy eyes and wrote back. 

jisung: yes. need to talk?

And you did. The both of you texted for what felt like hours and soon enough he could see the sky beginning to lighten from the living room window. 

He hugged the blanket tighter to his chest. When was he going to ever listen to something other than his heart? Because he loved you and he almost laughed at the thought of ever stopping.

It wasn't until five a.m. he realized that you were fast asleep and he wasn't. He was right back to where he was, every time. It seemed as though he had taken one step forward and two steps back.

This wasn't supposed to happen. He wasn't supposed to love you like this again. And he’d kept trying to make his love for you go away, he swore. But how do you kill a feeling? 

You still lived in the silence between his thoughts.

The only people up this late were the heartbroken and in love. And pathetically so, he was both.

let me know your thoughts about this chapter! i’m interested to hear your opinions :) stay healthy <3

masterlist

taglist: (pls lmk if i missed you or if ur interested!)

@hyynee @keilykat @chxrry-holland @sikebishes @soobin-chois @drhsthl​ @ooshanaya @rindomo @chxrry-chris

#stray kids #skz han jisung #skz fanfic #skz imagines #skz #han jisung #han jisung fanfic #han jisung smut #han jisung imagines #han jisung x reader #hyunjin fanfic #hyunjin imagines #series #friends to lovers #chapter 3

[pearlsofthec]

’Tis the season to be jolly! But it doesn’t really stop there for many of us. If you study in the southern hemisphere, you knpw that December doesn’t mean solely fairy lights, hot cocoa and ice skating dates, it also means spending hours in your local cafe trying to make an Americano last six hours (honestly, why study in a silent library surrounded by stressed out students when you could be sitting in a warm coffee shop, stimulated by the barista’s never-ending jazz playlist and the flux of people coming and going?) and dodging questions such as “How are your preparations for the session going?”, or my favourite “Have you started reading the syllabus yet?”.

Honestly, depending on how you take things in life, December can be as fun as it can be depressing. I’m a Libra, and throughout my whole life I’ve learned that a bit of compromise goes a long way, and this is the month where I can really put my theories to the test. that’s why my first essential of the month is…

1. Advent Calendar

It might sound silly, but having a Christmas Advent not only is an excuse to treat yourself every day, as it also is a form of keeping track of your control over yourself. Sure, watching influencers open a christmas advent a day can be fun, the sadistic pleasure in finding out that the person who payed over €500 for a Chanel calendar is only getting a bunch of stickers and products which are barely worth being displayed in a duty free store is hard to beat, but stick with me on this one!

It’s easy to purposely forget to study, drink one too many festive cocktails, and let all the holiday discounts be a reason for you to splurge on things you wouldn’t otherwise have bought just as it’s easy to eat all the 24 chocolate truffles in one go… But not doing it is just as easy, and, I guess, a good reminder that balance is the best treat on the long run.

I genuinely HATE mini products, so I won’t be reccomending any beauty advents, sorry. I know it may feel too late to get your own, but it’s NEVER too late.

1. Venchi Prestige Calendar

2. Marchesi Calendario Dell’Avvento

3. Cailler 200g Calendar

4. Bonne Maman Jam Advent Calendar

5. Vosges haut chocolaterie Calendar

6. Torroneria Cioccolateria D. Barbero

7. Antico Caffè Novecento

8. Any of the Lindt ones… classics for a reason

2. Movie Marathon

Maybe it’s the cold, maybe it’s the desire to procrastinate, BUT my will to watch movies skyrockets during this time of the year. There is a ridiculous amount of awful films sets in this time of the year, but if you look you can find some amazing classics that are just UNSKIPPABLE. From the jolly to the perverse, here’s my official Twelve Films of Christmas

1. Eloise at Christmastime

2. The apartment

3. Holiday

4. Eyes wide Shut

5. The shop around the corner

6. White Christmas

7. Black Christmas

8. Meet me in St. Louis

9. Fanny & alexander

10. The Thin Man

11. Metropolitan

12. Spencer

3. Go all out

Whether you want to go out or simply go all out even when you’re staying in is up to you, BUT a crucial thing to my is ending the year with a BANG. Now, I’m not exactly a clubber, but I’m a big enjoyer of fun wherever and whenever, and I can’t go more than a day without having fun with my friends this time of the year. This means random aperitivo nights after leaving six hour lectures, day trips to random cities, and lotsa dinner parties. I know I’ve probably exausted everyojne with lists, but I’m gonna write yet another one, hopefully short this time, of a few activities sprinkle through your weeks, hopefully to inspire some strenght and to end the year on a sweet note.

1. Moodboard night: With the New Year right around the corner, it’s crucial to set your goals straight… and what better way than doing it with friends? Look, I personally don’t think someone should set their vision board on stone, you don’t need to stick to the things you decided to do on a random night for the rest of the year, I personally end up taking a month to write down things to help me understand my own goals and objectives, both personal and professional/ academic… But it’s so nice to talk about all of your prospectives with your friends and loved ones, wonder about the potential that the new year can bring does no harm. If you really feel like this type of thing is too personal, then I’d say you could organize an “Unrealistic Wishlist” board day, when owning a Himalaya Hermes Kelly is a totally achiavable thing! Granted, I’m a tad materialistic, but I just adore learning more about my friends through their materialistic goals, with the right outlook it can be really revealing. Plus, I’m a huge fan of arts and crafts, and I’ll take any excuse I have to do it.

2. Charcuterie dinner: One of my biggest no-nos is showing up empty handed to any dinner, maybe it’s a Brazilian thing, but I’ve never done it and don’t plan on ever doing it. With a charcuterie dinner, I have an excuse to do it! I love charcuterie dinners more than anything in the world, cheese, wine, fruits and salami… no better combination. Not to mention that it’s practically like a live personality quiz for you and your friends, as nothing is more telling of a person’s character than their cheese preference.

3. Christmas shopping afternoon: Preferably to be done with a guy to use as your own bag carrier. Whenever I need to go somewhere or do something, I like to call other people up just in case, and although I love some peace of mind to think clearly when I need to buy presents for myself, when my consumerism is altruistic I love to have someone around to give me second opinions and spare my shoulders of all the extra weight!

4. Homemade decoration and dinner: I currently don’t have an apartment of my own to decorate, but other people’s serve me just as well. One of my favorite activities has been going to my friends’ homes to arrange garlands, make dried orange slices decor and even help to carefully distribute tinsel on the christmas tree. What is a chore to some is fun to others, with the right playlist and conversation specially. Afterwards it’s crucial to have a dinner party as a treat, no decoration shall be wasted!

To Discover

I feel like my consumerism is reaching an all time high right now, and I feel like I might as well share some of my current favourite discoveries with you guys. There’s nothing better than giving (and getting!) gifts from one of a kind stores, and so, I’ve made a little list of places that are definitely worth checking out:

1. Nesines: It’s a brand from barcelona that sells just the coolest shirts. I’ve just gotten one from them and I’m obsessed with the fit, the colors and the model. The quality is amaxzing, and I love that fact that their products have amazing compositions, no polyester around here! If you want a top that can elevate any pair of jeans, look nowhere else!

2. Maria de la Orden: I have to give credit where it’s due… this brand wasn’t on my radar before my mom showed it to me . Colorful velvet can definitely brighten up even the dullest winter days, especially when it’s presented in such unique shapes. Honestly their jackets are to die for, as are their headbands.

3. The obedient Daughter: came across this brand thanks to a kind destiny and now I’m absolutely OBSESSED with their curation of books and clothing. A gorgeous presentation of products that are unique but timeless… I simply NEED their Diana skirt.

4. MC2 Saint Barth: Okay not really a discovery, but THE place we should all be looking at for a perfect tongue in cheek aprés ski sweater. Ngl, I’m giving each of my siblings a sweater this christmas, and although I KNOW it might be an overdone gift, it’s a classic for a reason. And I myself know my sister would never not appreciate the opportunity to walk around Cervinia with a hot pink sweater that says “FAVOLOSA”

5. Bella Freud: Again, not a discovery, but worth a mention just because this was the month when I truly explored the brand’s full potential. Everyone knows their gorgeous sweaters with the best quotes (Godard IS GOD!), but I’m currently obsessed with their candles, ceramics and overall home accessories. Can someone please give me their Cunty mug? Please?)

To be worn

Sunglasses: I’m a guilty “occhiali da nebbia” wearer, much to my friends’ dismay. Though some may think it can be a bit bizzarre to wear sunglasses out on days when the sun doesn’t seem to get any high, I don’t have any shame in looking (or at least feeling) cool no matter the weather … My current go tos are the Dior Palladium (if you get it to wear in Venice it’s even better, that way, if anyone asks, you can say you’re paying your respects for Andre Palladio’s influential architecture)

Fur trimmed everything: Okay maybe i’ve been watching one too many episodes of friends, and letting the 90s influence a bit too much over my style, but recently I’ve been obsessed with fur trimmed coats. Long or short, black or camel, it doesn’t matter. I didn’t bite when everyone was going crazy over that green trench back in 2020, but now it’s different! A classic cut with a bit of fun fur will never go out of style in my eyes.

Barretes: Okay I think barretes are not an addition to my blog, I’ve probably been proudly posting about being a proud barrette wearer since 2020, but now I’ve actually been converted, and went from being a strictly tortoiseshell hair accessories wearer to a the brighter the better one. The one thing to blame is none other than the city of Copenhagen, where I discovered Maanesten and Pico, and FEASTED.

Herbag: Taking to “To Be” oof this section a bit too literally, and even a bit too hopefully. Not only do I absolutely love the fact that it reminds me a bit of the Kelly, I also love its overall practicality, everyone I know that has it rages on and on about its endless perks. While the fact that its body is made out of canvas rather than the famous traditional Hermes leather might be a turn off to some but to me it’s just perfect, principally because I’ve been planning on getting it to use it as a school bag and I’ve had the misfortune to have once tried to carry a leather bag around all day just to practically destroy it in one day.

Scarves and Pashminas: Winter is the season when I really can’t seem to escape all black outfits, but wearing a beautifully textured pashmina ALWAYS is a game changer for me. I feel like every city in the world has a Tibet store packed with the most varied options of material, print and density, I know Milan has an incredible one (although the Paris Tibet Forever on Le Marais will always take the cake).

#blog #monthly guidelines #december

[aviannauts]

planedatabase.com/contestants/season_three/group_redone/

these are the first batch of new folk on the Plane! they are what start the little chain reaction of new people being added

Reno Lotus: A straightforward bottle of hand sanitizer. Constantly stressed and on edge (especially after spawning in the Plane), Homesick, and unintentionally rude sometimes. Has a hard time expressing his emotions with most people and ends up bottling up a lot. Other than that he’s very kind and helps decorate/plan, after warming up to everyone and finally venting it definitely helped him. Not all the way to a full recovery, but maybe just enough. Died by unknown causes just as he was getting sent to the Plane, the impact sent him falling backwards into the ground. (sorry if this is odd, i had to rewrite it half awake since tumblr deleted it)

Alma Camellia: A sweet and sleepy box of tissues. Paints in her free time. Is saddened by the recent loss of a loved one and often spends time alone. Cares a lot for the people on the Plane and grows very close to them a while after being teleported. The only person to never ask to see their loved ones on the Plane.

June Amaryllis: A shy, mysterious, and adventurous dropper bottle. Uses sign language mostly and helps folk on the Plane learn it. After being teleported she was very distant for a long time, but soon became friends with Aster and warmed up to everyone else.

Aster Edelweiss: A hyperactive, courageous, but also easily exhausted jingle bell. They spend their time exploring the Plane a lot and giving advice on scenery. They also hang out with Charlotte and June a lot. Met June while exploring and infodumped on her so much they unintentionally became friends. Has a harder time understanding other's emotions.

Other random info:

Amelia is the only one to keep using her nickname despite others around her slowly reverting back to using their real names.

S2 Batch Two's folk might get nicknames :D Its more likely they'll take a spin on older names rather than a entirely new name (since human names are odd to them as it isn't common to their species)

Older buildings made by the original cast are more boxy shaped while buildings made/planned by added folk are more modern or similar to buildings on earth. Technically slanted roofs are unnecessary since it doesn't rain on the Plane but it felt more comfortable to them. There are mixed of both types of buildings!

Tents began to form around the plug after Liam began to take it out less. Occasionally Liam would still take the plug out to experiment with shrinking objects, but would usually not be able to understand the process of how to do it and procrastinate on it.

Eventually bodies of water would probably be terraformed by Liam, by request. Large lakes, odd rings of water, and the occasional river were gently formed to hold more water than the pool ever could.

sorry if theres any errors/odd stuff my eyes are a little frozen right now so its harder to reread than usual haha

#hfjone #hfjone au #hfjone art #hanakotoba #false gods au

[a-mag-a-day]

Throwback to when I first started with TMA:

On my first listen I didn't listen to the trailers and started right at MAG 1. This was in September 2020 after my sister bugged me half a year to pls give it a try xD I have never listened to an audio drama podcast before (only audio books) and I did it completely wrong, on speaker instead of headphones and it took me a long time to notice the occasional static rising (at "Can I have a cigarette?" for example).

Still remember my initial reaction to the intro song, the three notes right after the episode title reminded me a lot of Smaug's theme.

Also, although I did occasionally watch content from the UK, I am most influenced by the US and saying "Right" as much as some British people do was so alien to me XD (Although I watched a lot of the old Top Gear Team/Grand Tour and those three idiots do it all the time).

Next thing that stood out to me was Jon's over the top posh and deepened voice and, OMG, that dude is an asshole! I had a boss like this for 6 years and it was hell. I had no idea who Martin was at this point but I was fully supporting him against his toxic prick boss. This was also the reason why I procrastinated hard on the first half of S1. Jon's attitude hit a little bit too close to home because of my (at that time still ongoing) experience. Don't know if anyone else has ever seen this aspect of horror in TMA. (Obviously I now think very different of Jon. No Jon-slander here!)

A few thoughts while relistening:

"all it would need is a half-decent archivist to keep it in order. Gertrude Robinson was apparently not that archivist." lol, and you are? (I mean, from a capital A Archivist standpoint he was..)

I miss the music track that plays in the first episodes. It already got rare in S2 and I think the only time it has been used after that was MAG 121: Far away.

"even when the Stranger asked the question again" hehe

Thank you for sharing! Happy you managed to power through and join the Jon loving club :D

#a mag a day #tma #the magnus archives #mag 1 #episode asks #mod ashes

[platonic-qpr-selfshipping]

okay let me finally show you my updated f/o list!! I am also planning to add some s/i info but tbh i still havent gotten to it cause im procrastinating it while trying to relax doing other stuff klsdksj here it is!! (I am aware that the first photos look weird in phones so pls bare with me and put it in pc mode lmaoo im a carrd super-beginner)

now if you'd let me, Imma talk a bit about the changes just because

I wanted to get a bit more specific mentioning platonic f/os so even if I like many characters in sources like Obey Me, you can now see which characters I think my s/i would be the closest with :D!! I also played a bit with labels ig but I read this fic where Mammon said there was no need "to be anything" as long as we were in peace with each other and I felt that on a spiritual lvl so instead of overthinking how to label f/os sometimes I just put him as unlabeled lol I just love self inserting in his world being really close to him and he's my fav character of the game and all but ig it becomes hard sometimes to try to fit that into something so I said whatever, it's my little self insert world and they can do whatever they want that brings me comfort XD yknow, sometimes partnering concepts just feel off but at the same time I enjoy saying I am a Mammon simp cause I love the character so it's a bit of a mess in my brain sometimes, trying to make both my experience as a player and my s/i's fit for my best comfort

(yes this was another Mammon UR+ I did not get on Nightbringer)

talking about labels, I've decided to put all the Golden Deer as platonic soulmates :D! I think it suits us all and all the unique bonds they form with each other, and I thought that the whole thing of my s/i probably having this huge feeling of admiration and loyalty towards Claude felt better like this somehow, like it's a part of my s/i lore and not so much about what their relationship can be or not? I dont know if this makes sense worded like this but it seems to work out in my head XD I still plan to someday develop my s/i's story a lot so who knows

anyway, FRIENDS AND FAMILY!! I feel like it's pretty obvious that I've started to play Honkai Star Rail because suddenly I got a friend, a brother and a father from there- listen everytime I see the Astral Express Family written in the groupchat I emotionally cry happy tears (also I wouldnt be surprised if i ended up also f/oing Himeko in the future lmao, I love found families can you tell)

from Genshin Impact I've officially added Thoma as a platonic f/o :D!! (my hearts craves to befriend kind characters, yes) I think my Genshin s/i is probably the one with the most lore right now so I'm excited to write about this in the future! well,,,,, actually my Super Mario Bros s/i also has some info around themselves already,,,,,, like would you believe me if I told you I was already making up s/i lore while still watching the movie,,,,, the self-shipper experience huh.....

I love her

and do you know who I also love a lot.....?

those platonic f/os I've been mentioning in some reblogs lately saying I still havent talked about them......?

the dudes that may have taken over my brain recently using the power of friendship....?

yeah

yeah

aren't they the coolest tho

anyway I love them (repeating it as if i hadnt made it clear already) and I had to rewrite part of this cause I accidentally deleted it it so I think I'll finish it here ksdhkjs I believe there is a bit more to see in the carrd though, I'll put it in my pinned post soon :D! now if you'd excuse me imma go consume more hypmic manga as a healing experience, if you've read until here go drink some water, listen to Break The Wall and thank me later

#f/o community #self ship community #self shipping #self ship #f/o #selfship #queerplatonic f/o #platonic f/o #f/o list #all i write is about you #self shipper #self shipping community #selfshipping #self shipping blog #i love the pink aesthetic i may try to also bring it to this blog :D

[chayscribbles]

chayscribbles’ monthly writing update ☆ january 2023

☆ STATISTICS.

words written: 10 029

projects worked on: Andromeda Rogue; The Gemini Heist; and a Third, Secret Thing :)

proudest accomplishment: uhhh i can't really thing of anything... i made it to 10k words for the month at the very last minute does that count

books read: Six Wakes by Mur Lafferty; Station Eternity by Mur Lafferty

☆ GENERAL COMMENTS.

as you may or may not have noticed i haven't really been active on writeblr lately. between work, the fact that it's january, and having to shovel through, like, 4 snow storms, i haven't really had the time or energy.

started the writing year super strong. hit a wall about halfway and have since been in a terrible slump for most of the month.

however it turns out that you can trick your brain into thinking it's experiencing New WIP Euphoria by digging up and revamping an old wip (i.e. the Third, Secret Thing).

book comments: both books i read were about murder in space. both were pretty good. both get a solid 4/5 stars.

(between that, watching Glass Onion, rewatching Murder She Wrote, and starting to watch Columbo, i think i'm on a bit of a murder kick lately.)

more specific wip-related comments + featured excerpt below.

☆ COMMENTS: ANDROMEDA ROGUE (draft 2)

not much to say about this one tbh. while most of my words from this month came from this wip, i've,, mostly just been patching up little things like smoothing over inconsistent details and adding a little meat to description and exposition... but i've been procrastinating on fixing the Big Stuff 😭

i really like how the new version is turning out compared to the first version tho. it's so much cleaner & that's very satisfying.

if only i could just *clenches fist* get myself to actually fuckin work on it

☆ COMMENTS: THE GEMINI HEIST (outlining / draft 0.5 or something)

i finished part 1 of 7!... and now i have no idea what i'm doing.

i don't think i like fast drafting lol. i hate how shitty my quality of writing has been. and yeah whatever that's the point of a fast draft blablabla but like, when my draft is already a little bit readable i can go back and reread parts and be like "oh hey this isn't half bad". and i know people are always like "don't reread right away!!! just keep writing!!!!!!!" but for me rereading as i go is part of the process lmao. not only does it remind me of important things i would otherwise forget, it also encourages me to keep going when i see that what i've done isn't terrible.

and... with this fast draft everything just feels terrible.

not to mention i can't seem to untangle plot... heists are fuckin hard to plan. especially since there's multiple opposing parties with different plans that are all going to inevitably go to shit, and so i have to make more plans for when that happens. it feels so complicated uuuggghghhhgh

☆ COMMENTS: a Third, Secret Thing (???)

i'm not gonna talk about it too much publicly yet so i don't jinx whatever is going on here (and i want to make sure i'm a bit more committed to this thing before introducing anything) but all i'll say is it's an older wip that i've talked about on my old blog that i've dug out and changed the genre into a dark modern fantasy mystery with messy sapphics.

☆ FEATURED EXCERPT.

alright i know i said i didn't want to talk too much about the Third Secret Thing yet but i couldn't find any passages to share in either AR or GH... so have this, with very little context :') uhhh tw for mentions of death and murder.

That’s how she ended up peeking groggily out the door at the frigid winter morning, having hastily thrown a sweatshirt over her pyjamas and a towel over her hair, only to have two police officers inform her that Vanessa Villa-Cortez had been found dead in her apartment early that morning.

“D… dead?” Amina repeated, her mind in a haze. She had to still be asleep, right? Maybe the guilt over ignoring that text had seeped into her subconscious and was feeding her dreams. There was no way someone was at her door telling her that Vanessa, a girl she hadn’t heard from in nearly seven years, was… was—

“Killed in an apparent burglary gone wrong last night,” said one of the officers gravely. “A neighbour noticed the door had been clearly forced in, went inside to check, and found Miss Villa-Cortez’s body on the floor of her apartment.”

Amina’s head began to swim. She clutched the doorposts to keep her buckling knees from giving way completely beneath her. No. No. Vanessa couldn’t be dead. Amina still had to answer her text.

if you know you know ;)

☆ TAGLISTS. let me know if you want to be added/removed to any of them.

genera taglist:

@nicola-writes @dgwriteblr @the-orangeauthor @retrogayyde @quilloftheclouds @ashen-crest @writeblrfantasy @celestepens @stardustspiral @pepperdee @extra-magichours @avi-why @lefttigerobservation @chazzawrites @bardolatrycore @innocentlymacabre

andromeda trilogy taglist:

@bebewrites @nicola-writes @dgwriteblr @the-orangeauthor @retrogayyde @akindofmagictoo @quilloftheclouds @nora-theteawriter @ashen-crest @corpsepng @writeblrfantasy @chaylattes @toboldlywrite @celestepens @stardustspiral @pepperdee @cheerfulmelancholies @extra-magichours @writeouswriter @cilly-the-writer @lefttigerobservation @rose-bookblood @drowsy-quill @chazzawrites @cynic-and-chief @enchanted-lightning-aes @aesa

gemini heist taglist:

@florraisons @akindofmagictoo @cream-and-tea @nicola-writes @memento-morri-writes @antique-symbolism @rose-bookblood @afoolandathief @pepperdee @avi-why @zonnemaagd @chazzawrites @analogued @enchanted-lightning-aes @innocentlymacabre @kahvilahuhut @celestepens @cilly-the-writer @extra-magichours @retrogayyde

#chayscribbles writing update #wip andromeda trilogy #wip andromeda rogue #wip gemini heist #and a third secret thing #if you recognize what it is you get a chayscribbles veterans discount

[shynetyme06]

1 - 23 :3

cracks knuckles okay

1. how would you describe your art style? uhhhhhhhh, maybe "safe" is the word rn. whenever I think of my art style, what comes to mind is just how little I've been pushing things with it. I wanna change that ;D

2. what's your favorite thing about your style? I realize I like to use semi-realistic proportions, its cool how comfortable I've gotten with drawing faces and bodies

3. what's your least favorite thing about your style? It's so static man. same thing I said for the first question, I don't think anything really looks bad, but it just is lacking in creativity in comparison to the older art that should be looking worse than what I do now. I prefer my older stuff ;D (looking at you inktobertale2021.. where did it all go wrong)

4. favorite thing to draw? regular ol people. human characters are def more in my comfort zone, which explains why I keep hitting skeletons with the humanization ray (also I prefer to draw feminine characters)

5. least favorite thing to draw? I can't even say I rlly dislike it cuz of how rarely I even do it, but I am procrastinating so hard on learning backgrounds..

6. warm colors or cool colors? cool colors are my fav, but i find it easier to work with warm ones (I used to put a cool overlay over all my warm toned drawings hgdhfg)

7. show us a WIP behold, the wip ever. this drawing... was supposed to be posted on august 2022. and then, it was supposed to be posted on dec 21st, dream and nightmares birthday. (atp if I do end up wanting to finish this idea again, I'll probably just scrap it and start over)

8. what's the most fun and least fun parts about your process? most fun is flat color and rendering. (though I rarely do the latter anymore) and for least fun, tbh a lot of the sketching part tends to be difficult for me, sometimes its cool tho

9. show us a finished piece alongside the original sketch example from when sketching was fun

10. how many different sketches do you usually have until your piece is finished? I think I do need to make more of at least thumbnail sketches tbh.. I usually just make one and keep editing it, trusting the process. (and that fails like 70% of the time. woww wonder why sketching isnt fun for me-) 11. show us the last thing you drew, be it a finished piece or a small doodle can this count,,

12. show us an old drawing first deltarune drawing. here's the redraw I later made of this :3 (also old hsgdhgf)

13. how long do you usually take one a piece? depends. I'll have like 276478923 wips started, and then I get a random idea that I just have to do right at that moment, and I'll get it done in like 1-4 hours. meanwhile old sketches start to rot and maybe if its lucky I'll revisit it before my motivation dies and my style is too different to wanna continue from where I left off 14. digital or traditional? digital all the way, i've gotten too dependent on the transform tool + liquefy ;D (and many other things tbh but I'd be here all day if I tried comparing them more jhdjdf)

15. if digital, what program do you use? procreate, the layouts on other drawing programs scare me

16. favorite media to work with when drawing traditionally pen on paper (am I understanding this right wdym media-)

17. what do you love getting compliments about? I like when people enjoy the humanizations I come up with, and also original designs in general 18. are you satisfied with the attention your art usually gets? hmmm yeah

19. how often do you draw? very often, I just don't have finished things to share most days

20. a piece from this year that you're really proud of :3

21. something you would like to improve on the dynamicness (well, the lack of it) of everything, as said before

22. what inspires you? Ink sans and a ton of creators in this fandom (also animated shows and movies, I love animation)

23. what's something you hope people notice when looking at your art? idk tbh, just notice it at all and I'm happy :>

#shy rambles #ask game #long post #twinribbonz #yaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy #another sign to look for more references #my problem may be going from imagination too often

[m4nd0l0r]

Memories From Apollo - Part 1.

Description: The god of the sun loves its own rays, from his ballads that strummed from his trusted lyre, it drops sunny speckles of good things, the warmth you feel from the sun, the glimmering light that reflects to the waters.. But sometimes they bear memories, they make you remember from one touch of its heat, and whatever you glimpse on can be good or bad, but you see them for a reason.

Ships: Din Djarin x Reader, Steven Grant x Reader, Marc Spector x Reader, Jake Lockley x Reader (yes its a mamma mia au + crossover fic of the mandalorian and moon knight-)

Category: Fluff and a lot of reminiscing

Word count: 7.1k words

Author’s note: i’m sorry that i took so long with this— i procrastinated so hard and i realized all the plot points i wanted to add wouldn’t fit so pt. 2 will be a thing… if i defeat laziness that is!- also i made a playlist for this so uh i hope yall enjoy both fic and music!! i used “baba” and “ba” since its a gender neutral term for mama/papa :)) the spanish here were from translate websites, i apologize for possible inaccuracies along with how i interpreted DID in this fic :”D

His eyes fixated on his screen, the blue light blares through his tired pupils as he clicks “yes” on each decision question he gets himself across to. Spam clicking the mouse, his arrow taps and taps to his heart’s delight. 

Plane tickets have gone overpriced, he entertains the thought. The price for London to Greece skyrocketed, no wonder he only sees a few people go on vacations nowadays, he thinks again, as if he needed a distraction.

As if he already didn’t try to steer his attention from his screen from choosing to do this. To try to come back. But he’s a little late for second thoughts, the card already got approved, no turning back. 

As his payment pends, he opens his cabinet, and just sinks his hand right through its contents, raking through each and every item he just tossed inside. And through his search, he finally grabs onto an old leather journal. 

Pulling it up, it was obviously worn down, with it being softer but the etching of his name, Marc, that he jabbed down with a pen knife the same few years ago he got this very diary. 

Flicking through it, he had a small grimace. But it soon disappears as he grabs a pen and a pile of sticky notes. Writing, the ink bleeds through the paper, and it stains in the words:

Steven, Jake.

Give this to them. My last favour to you two.

-Marc. 

-x- 

The wonderful rays of the sun of Kalokairi rushed through your palms, and it felt great. Letting out a sigh, you wished every day was like this, but then you realized, you didn’t need to wish. It was always like this, and you loved every minute of it. Every minute of that good golden sun, the thrilling heat in your fingertips, and forever changing wind. 

The ripples of the sea were eminent in your ears, ringing back like the sounds of pendulums. SWOOSH! It roars along with jumping fish and seagulls that try to catch its food in a now cold morning. As you breathe in and out, a cloud coming out of your mouth, you sighed. You didn’t bother to wear a jacket, your hat was enough, you thought. Besides, the sun was hot enough to make you forget the fierce winds. 

You then touch your skin, goosebumps plumped from the contact. Your fingers then trail your face, you feel small wrinkles that form all over the years. You then touch the necklace wrapped on your neck, playing with the pendant. Trying to fight off the grimace that tried to creep up at your wistful smile.

Damn it you felt old. No, you are old. 

Because now you’re dealing with your daughter’s wedding. 

Well, what are you supposed to do with that information? 

It felt like whiplash. As if the waves of salt water came to throw you off your sandals. 

“Engaged!?— Luka- This isn’t some crood joke is it?” You gasped out, eliciting a laugh from your daughter. 

“No, Ba! Why would I even joke about such a thin— It’s real, look!” 

And then with how she went up to you -eyes coated with glitter, you’d think you’ve seen a disco ball- and flaunted thedarling lady ‘friend’ -Luka would joke, especially when you used to actually thing that she was just her study buddy..- that gave her a ring.

A ring! All embellished with gems and everything! Oh my gods you thought you were going to faint at your chair right then and there. 

You gasp.”I never thought this day would come by this quickly!” Your voice is almost nothing but a whisper. “My own little girl’s getting married..! I feel faint!” Your voice quivered, but Luka knew you were joking.

To some extent. 

Your own daughter getting married? Oh a thing you never even thought of. And as if the gods above sprung up to spite you, she’s getting married at 20. Not like it was much of a big deal- well it was- but gods. Shaking your head lightly, maybe you should have downed some sort of wine before you started thinking about all of this- Before you drown yourself in this pipehole— Yes, yes- That sounds like a good idea.

Unfortunately, you were nowhere at your hotel. No glass, no booze, but damn it-  you were impatient, you were almost excited even. 

Rushing by the docks, you were like a firecracker waiting to explode- But you were going to explode to your trusted comrades of all these years— And before you could even take another breath you heard those familiar voices. 

Your eyes swiftly drift to the end of the wooden platform, and a smile etched itself on your lips. 

“Well would you look at what the gulls passed on!” You yell, running through and stumbling your way. A shriek emanated from the edge, your partners in crime Evie and Anne- just came in just in time for the main event. 

“How dare those birds pass us on?” Evie tittered, her red hair blaring from the sun and her heels clicking through the planks. Anne just guffawed, running their dirty blond hair -noticeably chopped, but it fits, you remarked to yourself. “Betcha they passed us cos all of that hunk of plastic ya got!” She earned herself a -offended- choking sound from Evie with that one. 

The moment of -such quick- realization clicked in your head. “Evie- you got- it-“ You pointed at your chest, “DONE AGAIN?!” You shrieked oh so cheekily, Evie only gaped their mouth an O then transformed into a giant smile. “Paid by the FIFTH-“ She oh so emphasized, “Husband!”

“EVIE—!”

Anne seemed to be actually surprised by this, her voice breaking out in a stronger accent. “Ya cheeky bastard! Ya gotta be kiddin’ me!- No wonder ya don’t seem so damn broke, heels an’ all- an’ they look so—“

“Sooo?”

“FUCKIN’ REAL-“

“Alright enough tit tatter!“ You sighed. “Now I’ve got a wedding to plan and for you two to attend! We must go—!” You went on with a stern voice, though it was laced with such a noticeable joking voice. But the two only focused on one thing, making them only coo at you like a cat.

“Goodness me, Luka? Getting married? I still can’t believe it— She’s got one step ahead of you!” Anne hushed. “I bet she already planned everything before even telling you… Especially how excited she can get.” Evie added on with a laugh.

“That is true.” Anne only said. Rolling your eyes with an amused face, you grab your car keys in your pocket. “Yes yes, I expected that from her.. but marriage as that exact leverage?” You raised a brow almost dramatically. “Never in a million years.” 

“Luka is an eccentric kid, what’d ya expect?” You rammed your engine in. Your beat up car finally roaring itself back to life. Dang, you really should get it fixed. 

“Honestly-“ You huff. “Anything else.” Evie had her brow raised up from this. “Is the groom that much of a bad guy?”

“Bride. And no, she’s fine, she’s kind with my girl, they’re very lovely together and Luka’s really happy with her, and I’mhappy to see that.” You then pause, taking a deep breath, “It’s more of a..”

“Parent thing?” Oh Evie dropped the bomb right at you, and here you are, having you and Anne bracing for impact. You only breathed in and out once more, lighting it sink in. But she wasn’t wrong. 

“..Yes… Exactly that.” 

-x- 

“Luka you cannot be serious!” Someone hissed, “Dragging these unfortunate souls to our wedding?” The winds of the island blew stronger, as if it were angry along with the talker. “They aren’t strangers, love— They gushed about them!” Your own daughter- Luka- said. 

“Ever since I was a kid, Ba sometimes would mention them- whenever they thought I’m asleep,” She faked snores, earning a laugh from Ivy. God that made her stomach roll. “Right upstairs, I’d hear them, talking their way to the night sky by the balcony.. And gods they were yearning.” 

“And you thought the best thing to do was to invite them?”

“Uh yeah? I mean you did say that I can invite whoever I want, my love.”

“I meant people anyone would know- not strangers.” She raised a brow, her tone light.

“I mean- Ba would know ‘em.” Luka snorted. People were bustling around the hotel, and they were all fumbling about, with the decorations, and the dangling lights and banners, along with packages that Ivy ordered herself. She loves all the fuss, Luka thought, but honestly she liked it more when Ivy would fuss at her instead. 

“But still— Sure that’s the case- is this the right thing to do? Drag in those poor blokes all for our grand day, and you expect your poor parent once they learn this- to not explode?” Ivy only screeched with a light tone. “If you keep your mouth shut!” She almost wailed and her fiancée let out a squeak of laughter. 

Luka only cackled, “You better keep it shut Ivy- Or I might tickle my way to you for your silence—“ 

“You wouldn’t!”

“Maybe I would, so-“ She motioned her thumb and index right by her mouth, making a slicing motion, to say to shut it. “Besides, they obviously still fancy Ba, why would they accept those invitations if they didn’t?”

“To be polite?”

“Oh please! Polite after twenty-ish years of not seeing each other? You’re reaching, my dear!” Luka almost squawked with both of them whispering like school girls. “With their responses, You’d expect them to be right by the hotel’s entrance like a flock of geese.”

“Well I hope not,” Ivy eyed her. “Wouldn’t want to see them have a heart attack ‘cos of their own daughter!” 

“You’d get dragged to this too, they’re your future parent-in-law after all!”

“You—“ But before she could even continue, you were back from picking up her aunts, and you seemed distracted with the amount of laughter and huffing going about. The two opted to hide by the wall, typical, but maybe it’s enough to not get caught. 

Also long as you were very much out of sight. Good, you might not hear anything.

But your own daughter knew you very well, and you had a sense of a hawk. “Ivy- Love- Lets go upstairs before Ba catches us on and drags us with my aunts—“ And they both left with a lot of cursing and complaints of running on heels- mostly from Ivy though, Luka noticed.

“Hurry hurry- I’ll just give you a massage- Let’s just get out of here!” Ivy seemed agreeable this time, actually hurrying up. Her fiancée sighed, then again, she did bring this to herself, she can’t really complain about that, can she?

-x-

Taxi, ferryman, taxi, ferryman, were the only words that were ringing through this man’s head. 

This was one of those times that he wished that cars could actually go faster, through the busy streets, through the market filled with fresh fish and plucked out veggies. He wished he could plow faster across through the ferry dock.

He didn’t have time for this! He was here on some (un)reasonable whim, and now he’s rushing like god knows what. But the thing is, he knows why, and all due to a piece of paper. 

One day, he had some sort of letter in his mailbox. He never really got any, now that he thinks about it. It made him realize that it was very dusty too, that’s for sure. But as he ripped the tape off of the letter, and started to actually read it, he was more than surprised with the fact his jaw didn’t dislocate and fall to the wooden floor.

“A weddin’.. invitation?” His voice faltered, and when he read a little further, he actually let out a sigh of relief. It wasn’t your wedding. It was your daughter’s. Shameless, the only word that went through his head. How could he be so relieved about that? It was stupid, and he wanted to punch himself for it.

But now, in Greece, he was on the verge of biting his fingernails -a habit he certainly picked up somewhere- He was clutching his bag with him. He certainly packed.. a little too light. Damn it he felt so spontaneous- he shouldn’t have indulged in doing so. 

But the minute he looks away from his book back in his loft, he’s suddenly seated on his office chair, computer open at 5am, and he sees his screen on a website with the purchase of a plane ticket from London to Greece. And when he felt his eyes widened from the sight, it really did.

Yes, he could have refunded, but maybe just maybe.. he thought he needed a vacation? I did not, I think. He tried to tell himself. Justification wasn’t exactly his specialty.

Damn it Marc, and damn you Jake for not stopping him. Knowing the damn guy, he would’ve encouraged Marc. 

He swears again on his head, bet they both planned this, and they’re just cackling right in their headspace’s seats like madmen. Maybe he was reaching, but the man needs to blame at least something- or someone. As if he could be right. Maybe, but how would he know? 

As Steven just tossed everything in his head, he fades away from the world, into the seclusion of his cramped mind, along with little old Marc and Madman Jake - little nicknames he gave them.

Murmurs of a voice came from the front, and that’s where everything clicked back in place for him. He was already in Greece, not in his flat. And he was definitely late for his boat.

Letting a few obnoxious swears he mostly picked up from his co-workers, he stumbled out of the taxi, saying the words, “cheers” and “mate” as he tosses enough money to the driver, earning him a smile and something in Greek that he couldn’t understand. 

He was running, his shoes clanking through the pavement. Damn it! Damn it! He was already yelling through the wind. “Bloody hell!” It was a pitiful sight really, a foreigner running his way to the ledge, trying to catch up to sailors removing the ropes that tied to the mainland, ready to anchor away to the sea. 

“Wait, wait!” He begged, but alas, the ship was already swimming away, with their passengers waving him goodbye pitifully, and it was as if they were silently laughing at him. But he couldn’t care about that- or even dare to think about it. Must be the meds. 

How the hell was he gonna get to Kalokairi now? 

“Bullocks!” He exasperated, huffing a few breaths with his luggage on hand. It was only now it really clicked, he was alone. Alone, in a foreign country. He's been alone before- Sure he has some money, but it’s a little.. unnerving, to say the least for him. 

“My sentiments exactly.” A voice makes him turn in surprise, not noticing someone being beside him- or to even talk to him. Turning to his side, he sees a man cladded in leather, he meant it. Leather jacket with an assortment of pretty pins he couldn’t really see without his glasses, and those leather boots, he couldn’t help but notice them, they looked so cool. He almost didn’t notice the rope wrapped on his hand, strange. 

Not wanting to be rude, he had his eyes center itself into looking at a sign. It was a bad choice on his part really, as he forgot that everything he was in Greek, and he’d have it easier if it were in hieroglyphics. “Uh.. you know how to read this..?” He asked the stranger, and his brown eyes looked at him.

“It says, next ship is on Tuesday.” 

“T-Tuesday?! No no no.. really?” And when the man in front of him didn’t make any remark, he took it as a yes. “Can’t believe..” He would slump down if there was a wall behind him. But no there wasn’t, he would have tripped and fell on his back. 

The wedding’s on Sunday. 

As Steven wallows in misery, with no second plan in sight, the stranger only stares at him. It was like a hyena waiting to pounce on prey; static with impatience. Hand on the rope, loosening his hold, he tossed it to the boat- which makes Steven realize that it actually wasn’t random- it had purpose. He felt stupid. 

But as he looked to where it was tossed, his eyes widened a little, it was a boat. Built to resemble metal, it was cladded grey with the most random sized screws bolted at each plate. With the basic things a ship would have present, the differences being that this had a figurehead of a majestic mudhorn, with its horn out and its realistic face with a scary scowl, it made him think that it could’ve belonged to a museum, or at least a gallery. 

He also noticed the words “Razor Crest” bolted to the side with a modern font. Small but readable enough to let everyone know the name of this boat. It‘s got quite a ring to it, Steven thought as he marvelled at the ship. It’s not everyday you’ll see a leather knight with his steel horse-boat. 

It was as if the stranger knew the look behind Steven’s eyes, because what he said next was.. sudden. 

“I’m not a taxi service.”

“I’m sorry?-“ 

“But I’ll have you hop in,” He suggested, “Just.. don’t make a mess.”

“I- uh—“ He didn’t have time to fully process but he replied in the best way he could. “Gotcha.. err-“ 

“Mando,” He guessed it was some sort of street name. Was he even using that right? Steven wondered. “Mando is fine.” He added in, gesturing for him to come in. His arm slung unto his baggage, he carefully -practically- leaped himself onto the unstable boat, making it even sway further by the water. 

“Sorry— Uh-huh, gotcha,” He repeated, “The name's- bugger-“ The ship rocked along with the waters, making him almost fall flat to his face. “-Steven then. With a V.” Mando only nodded at him before going further into the cockpit, leaving him alone near the platform by the back. Looking at the wall, he saw a familiar piece of paper, he was no peeper, but he felt an itch underneath his fingers, the want to see. That was always his weakness; curiosity.

Coming closer, he managed to finally get a peek. And it only took two letters for him to realize. 

“So uh… You’re here for the weddin’ too right?” 

Silence. Pure silence. As if he were dead. 

Now as he thinks that.. is he even actually alive? What if he was just some robot coded to say some basic sentences to some lost cargo boy (him to be exact) and he’s been an idiot trying to strike a conversation with him the whole time? 

Okay.. I’m gettin’ ahead of myself. He thought, no wonder his highschool teacher tried to drag him to drama club, he would have fitted in.. If it weren’t for him stuttering each line out of anxiousness. 

He looks back at the figure who looked ahead, not bothering to give him an indifferent look. A sigh emanated from his throat. 

This long boat ride was gonna stretch itself, wasn’t it?

-x-

The waters were extra rocky today, that’s for sure.

Mando- or more properly— Din, was sure that it was low tide. But here he was, the Razor Crest on the verge of tumbling down like a fallen jar from some mom’s cupboard, with a stranger nonetheless. 

That same stranger was by the railing, holdin on for dear life as he visibly tucked in the urge to puke his guts out to the sea.

He has no idea what came over him, why he decided spontaneously to let this poor sod in. Maybe because of pity? Most definitely, Din thought. 

The man- no Steven, had a charm to make others pity him, with that sad look on his face when he learnt that the next boat was on Monday rather than today- maybe he has problems with marking dates, Din will never know. Pity huh, at least that’s what the man in a leather jacket thought or felt, to be more specific. 

The last time he felt pity was when someone cried over losing a mock lottery ticket because it caused ten ginger candies from their own friend. And that was.. ages ago, twenty years from now. And that someone was you. He still remembers it, you wanted to scratch off the lead off of that ticket, where you could win from a stitched blanket, or some cute knick knacks from the mainland market. 

“I could have gotten one of those penguin plant pots!” You wailed out, “They were adorable!”

“The ones Izzie sells?”

“Those exact ones! With cute little props and costumes.. Gah! I coulda gotten one..”

“You could buy one from her store itself.”

“C’mon now, Din!” He liked how you say his name. Light-hearted, airy, as if it were cute. “Free stuff is something we shouldn’t pass up on! Especially if it's cute shiny porcelain!”

With that said, three days later, right at your doorstep, you wake up to a package- and inside it was those same penguin plant pots, and in your favorite color too. Attached was a note saying: Don’t worry, for you, these are free. -D.

Just from that signature, you knew it was him. 

For Din, it was genuinely a spontaneous buy, and no wonder you wanted to get one free, they were fucking expensive, then again they were pretty. So once he saw them perched up at Izzie’s shelves, he instinctively went to his wallet and boom! He bought at least two

One that reminded him of you, as if they pottered up a mini penguin who just resembles your most notable things about yourself. Even had a prop of your trusty tool for your little hobby. And the other was the one who was basically him, it even had a leather jacket, and he was sure he needed to get it. 

Definitely for no other reason. 

His mind suddenly snaps out from the trance, as his body relaxes from the now peaceful waters. It made him be chucked out from his little walkthrough through memory lane, punching down a stop button as he heard loud thuds! “You all right?” He raises his voice, hoping that the man could hear him from the end of the boat. 

“Yeah- pretty peachy yeah- wait no- actually- gimme a sec— Crap no- no- the diary— shit-“ More rummaging by the rear,  Din calms (not really). With seagulls screeching out and the winds roaring through his ears, they were the only sound that rushed through that tranquility, which stops as the quiet seeps through the cracks. “Hey? Steven?” He calls out, concerned with his tag-a-long. 

The silence just continues; it was just a storm being brewed right at the two of them— Confusion and fear bubbled through Din. Did Steven get thrown off the boat? He better not have- He can’t have a guest literally drown under his (not so) watchful eye. That would be bad taxi service. 

Ok maybe he really needs to stop referencing that joke, it was only relevant around two years ago, when Peli actually made it funny. To some extent. 

Getting out of seat, he swiftly walks by, searching for his companion. Looking back at the nooks and sides, nothing, he even looked up at the roof, and there were nothing but a few gulls perched up like it's their nests. He didn’t bother to shoo them away, they’ll fly out once the boat moves again. 

But he was really growing anxious, like palm-sweaty worries. Where the hell could this guy have gone? In this whole ship? Especially when most of the rooms are locked? 

Guard raising higher, not only was he tense, he was growing some sort of suspicion. He was growing distrustful. Genuinely he didn’t want to feel that way for this poor man, especially with his pitiful display earlier, but what if that was all a trick? He didn’t like the thought of that. 

Din finally catches a figure by the corner of his eye. It was Mister Stoaway, resting his forearms at the railing of the boat as his hands fidget on his sleeve.

Relief washed over Din. “That’s where you were.” Was all he said, approaching him. “You were too silent, made me think you got thrown overboard.” He added in to ease the quiet.

But something felt off, he noticed. Something felt very wrong. As if the air shifted from the cool breeze to burning hot. 

“¡Dónde coño estoy?” (Where the fuck am I?!)

Now this. This is where Din gets confused. Even more confused with his silence, because, wasn't this man British earlier?? 

“I don’t understa—“ 

“No te lo vuelvo a repetir, pendejo.” (I won’t repeat myself, dumbass.) He said, leaving no room for any excuse nor any sorries. “¿Dónde estoy yo? Y ¿Quién cojones son vosotros?” (Where am I? And who the fuck are you?) 

Shit, how was he going to deal with this? The man was literally on the verge of tears earlier about a damn water taxi schedule, and now he’s a raging man spitting out Spanish- a language he does not understand, mind you- what the fuck happened? And as he gets pestered continually with angry questions in a whole ‘nother language, he finally understood with his slight regret. 

Don’t take in strangers. 

-x-

Evie squawked at you, “Gods! With all that marriage talk, I’m still surprised you out of all people never got married.” 

“Oh we’re not delving on that topic, Eves.” 

You look at your side, seeing one of your employees struggling with carrying a few boxes. “Hold on a sec-“ You come closer and pick up one of them, trampling your way to the kitchen then back to the courtyard. Another came up to you, asking you things on the lines about “fixing” and “windows.”

Your two accomplices just looked at you at once. Somewhat. As you peeked, you knew what that meant, they were concerned, maybe they thought you were overworking. Which you are. For fifteen years. “Now where was I? Ah yeah, you already know the drill. Marriage is not- and will never be for me.”

Anne didn’t seem keen on putting such a topic just yet,deciding to just quip. “Aye, ya say that but you got yaself a kid, things can definitely change.”

“Anne… That’s different.” 

“C’mon, ya’ve been on this rock for more than a decade yet ya still haven’t found anyone?” Anne cried out. “That’s a little tragic now that Anne says it like that..” Evie mused, earning a wince from you. Wow alright, that does sound bad. 

But sometimes -well maybe most of the time- you like to be in denial. “It’s really not you two, really I have the hotel with me and Luka, and besides-“ A pause threatening to leave them on a cliffhanger. “I did try to.. once.”

“WHAT?!” 

Your lips pursed, “Hush! You’re being too loud!”

“Well this is new to us!” Evie screeched, “How did it go?”

“I tried the uh- Tinder app.” You rolled your eyes once more, “It went absolutely nowhere,” You seemed mortified for even trying to get on that colossal mess of a platform. “When I was looking at some people there, one of them had their wedding photos as their profile! Wedding!” 

They better just have used it on they looked ‘good’ -sure, lie to yourself he looked like a toerag, you thought-.. Maybe that was his ex-wife, or the guy just had such an ego thinking he can pull twice— you wouldn’t know, you wouldn’t dare to learn. No no, you told yourself, you’re better than this, curiosity will just bite you in the ass. You think.

“Besides- pssh- That’s already a giant red flag on its own!”

“More than a red flag than-“ Then Anne coughs, that’s when you caught on to her joke. 

“You didn’t.”

“I just did.”

“I mean-“ You started laughing louder, “You aren’t wrong— Even Marc wouldn’t stoop so low-“ You stop yourself. Shit. Ceasing, you bit the inside of your cheek, and suddenly you had the urge to just hit your head with your palm, you were supposed to keep a secret ‘til you were on your grave. 

“..Who do you mean… Marc?” It clicked on both of their heads at the same time, like a connected light switch.

 “Uhm-“

“Gods, ya are full of surprises right now!” Anne yelled out, and you were sure if it weren’t for her sunglasses, you would see her bulging eye sockets out of pure shock. “Marc, MARC? WHO THE HELL IS HE?”

“Zip it!—“

“What happened to our code?! Telling everything and anything?!” Evie clutched her heart, as if she were betrayed and left bleeding out by a sullen lover. “Ladies- ladies— not here—“ You tried to say but your words got chopped off like fish as they both screeched in unison. “WHERE ELSE?” They butted all in at your face. Letting out an awkward laugh, you go. “Not here-“ You look around, seemingly alarmed. “Come on! Upstairs—“ 

“What about the wedding plans? Introductions! To the two brides?!”

“Those lovebirds can wait- let them be lovey-dovey—“ Dragging yourself upstairs, up to the third floor, to your room. They were screaming, and gods you wished you knew how to keep your mouth shut, now you have questions to deal with, answers to tend to. 

Staircase after staircase, you drag these two with you, ignoring each gsp and yell they have from the creaking wooden planks. Maybe next time you’ll fix it, maybe next time you’ll replace the material. It’s always a “next time.” But you know you don’t have many of those in life. You had enough of running, maybe it's time to settle and let it out for once.

Finally right at your bedroom door, you bust it open, rushing yourself to your bedside table. Your hands feasting itself to your chase, you try to find your most hidden possession.

Your diary from twenty years ago. 

“Damn- I don’t remember putting this here, oh whatever—“ But before you could even say anything else, Evie took the diary from you, making you yelp. “Hey, give it back!”

“I know you, and you’d definitely omit some details here given the chance!” She replied, Anne only trudged right next to Evie, already wanting to know the details. “It’s only fair you give us the truth, the whole truth.” 

“Fine! Do what you will! Just—“ But before you could continue, Evie goes. “April 3- A Drive. A fucking drive. Wow, so interesting.”

“-Don’t read it out loud. Darn. Nevermind.” You only earn yourself giggles like teenagers. This was like all of those sleep-overs you had with them back then, when you all were still boy-crazy and Anne was actually still in the dating field.As the two were right at your bed, you followed, laying down chest first to your blankets. 

“Let her have her fun.” Anne cheekily whispers to you, making you roll your eyes jokingly. Evie coughs out almost obnoxiously, making you two snap your heads in her direction, and she continues. 

“Din suddenly asked me to go for a drive with him. A bloody motor ride. Honestly I thought he wanted to pick up something when he first asked me but it wasn’t? He said he felt- impulsive. And oh how I wish maybe sometimes he would be impulsive all the time. 

But it was a weird thing to ask- I mean- none of us had a car. How would that work? I asked him, but he only winked, something I've never seen him do, but I welcome it. Suddenly BAM! I went to the parking lot with him and there was a motorcycle. I yelled and laughed with him in surprise as he held me up on it. Sweet, it was.. endearing. 

Though his hand is well- occupied, seating my face by his shoulder works too. The comfort of him just letting me rest by him as he drove us all around the mainland until the docks, it felt.. nice. Just the view, and the two of us, shoulder by shoulder. Hand in hand. 

He’s a simple man, never was a romantic, but damn it, I loved his effort in trying. It made me think that he really likes me. and I hope he knows I like him too.”

“Ooooooo cheeky.”

“Shut it.” You were gonna have your eyeballs fall off if you keep on rolling your eyes. Evie only chuckles- or err, more of a squeak. 

“Fine fine, ahem— April 8- Wow. 

Marc. Fucking. Spector. Taking me on a picnic? Well that sounds unreal to me. Until now that is.

He took me to the south of the island, and up I see is the most romantic thing I think he’s ever done. All on that little blanket, he got me the foods I’d talk about that I’ve been wanting to try, and everytime I wouldn’t like something, he laughs and fakes disgust with me, even when it was obvious that he liked them. 

I wasn’t a fan of one of the seafood dishes, so I couldn't really recall the name, though I thought I was gonna gag from it. I saw him like the dish, I know, seriously? Marc Spector, liking something? Well I like to think I’m one of those things Yes he actually does. But how?  

I could tell if he liked them of course. It’s a little secret just for me to keep, but there would be a little dimple that would come up right by his cheek, and a little sparkle in his eye. It’s cute. But every time he’d smile over something.. he hides it with a smirk. 

He thinks he can fool me, but I can see through it. He was the type of guy to wear a tough exterior, even if he tries to hide it with fake sneers and eye rolls, I can and will always tell, maybe because I’m observant with him.” 

Evie only gives you a look before continuing again. You give one back as a warning.

“April 12- I forgot about the festival. 

Well until Jake suddenly invited me as he was delivering some stuff to my dad. Well technically he was helping out earlier, apparently dad said it was for summer money, but sincerely I think otherwise, maybe for me? or maybe that’s just me wanting to dream. 

The festival was a lovely event. The decorations that stashed itself to the booths, and the mainland’s plaza were so gorgeous, as if you were walking through the night sky, by the stars. But rather than that, we joined onto the festivities, the singing and dancing. And wow, I must say he’s a good singer. 

He was literally singing my favorite song, I’m even surprised he remembered, was it that special to him as it was to me?requesting the musicians to help him out. God I felt like I was some sort of school girl with a man crush because I was going red. Like, if you were to dye a pure white shirt red, it’d be just as bright. It was just- so unexpected, I would have never thought of him singing. But when he did, it was just- I have no words. It was good. Great. That’s all I can say. 

He also choired along the singers, dragging me along gently to the plaza’s middle, right with the dancing people. They all played songs for romantic dances, for family ensembles and we both were invited, our arms always locked in together not to get lost, he would say. But that tone of his, it makes me believe that it also means something else, but I might be overthinking it. 

When the third dance ended, we rushed away from the dance floor, gasping and racing each other as he rushed to the stalls while he had me chase after him. And as much as this man was fit, god damn it, he was fucking fast, he had me running as if I were in the Olympics. 

By the time I reached him, he had his hand clasped tightly, and once I fully looked, there was a necklace with a sun pendant in his hand. And as he wraps it around my neck with that handsome smirk he always wears, he tells me.

Eres el sol para mi luna.

I don’t know what it means, I’ve tried to ask but he only winks. From the way he said it, it sounded.. sweet, but how would I know? Whatever it meant, luna means moon and sol means sun.. I could assume from el and mi… the sun.. my moon. 

I don’t want to assume but.. is it a love confession? That.. deep? Would Jake do such a thing? Or am I just making a big deal? I hope it was, if it were, I would be over the moon.. literally.

“Sois las estrellas de mi luna..” Evie repeats, it was strange to hear that from someone else’s voice, it felt.. too weird. To the point that it felt traitorous, and for what reason? You couldn’t pinpoint why.

“Is the necklace the one you always wear nowadays?” And your nod was the only answer she received. 

“Alright then… April 17- Why am I so surprised of Steven asking me on a date? 

I guess because I’d be the one asking him usually, well.. I didn’t mind, so it was fine. But damn, I could get used to this.

He pointed at the moon, and he would tell me stories. Crafting it with artistic words and with a bright story-telling grin on his face. He was always animated, talking as his hands made its way through the air, marvelling as he narrates his favorite story. (it was the Myth of Khonshu, known Pathfinder he would add) He would marvel at how the god paved ways for travellers in the night in the desert, shining the moon brightly for light, and making paths for them to walk in sand. 

Even if I couldn’t see it, my imaginations soared from him. Usually I sometimes hate it when people chatter too much, it makes me think that they’re all wasting my time. 

And honestly this wasn’t the type of date I expected, but its him, it’s something he would do. It’s a Steven thing and that’s why its so special. 

And that’s also why even though it was just another retelling of this story, I couldn’t help but listen with heart eyes. It felt easy to listen, and for once, I actually wanted him to talk for hours. and only him specifically. And how can I not listen to him? I do get to see that adorable twinkle in his eye. He’s a nerd after all. A cute one too.”

And that was the last diary entry, only those experiences you obviously cherished, especially when you kept this journal right by you. Evie then closed the diary, and looks at you again. 

“.. What happened to all of them?” 

“I..” You kept it far behind your mind for so long, you didn’t know where to start. Bug now the lock is finally now being picked, with rust collecting, its snapping open slowly. “I.. It’s a little difficult, it just .. happened.”

Difficulty makes everything hard just to finally shut this chapter off of your life. To end this wonder you have in your mind, to finally end the questions in your mind, on why? 

Evie stood up, opening the double doors to your balcony. You trample your way right outside, holding on to the railing, the other only looked at you, and you hoped it wasn’t pity. You didn’t need that. All you need maybe, was closure. Maybe to see them.

No. Absolutely not. You are not going to turn back to the pages of your life, you need to skim forward. Because that’s the right thing to do right?

But as you look down, you see them. Right outside your hotel. At the fucking lobby. 

“What. The. Fuck.” 

Well maybe you need to revise a page or two. 

There they were, Din, with his leather jacket and.. no. Was that..? No no, he acted differently, you knew how he acted. This, this was Jake. Oh god. Memories flood back in like a supposed secure dam just cracked. 

“What— What’s going on?-“ One of them says, but it just blurs out, not bothering to respond to them. You were already running down the stairs, not bothering to hear your friends out. Like a madman, you felt adrenaline rush through you. 

Your heart pumped with excitement, you found a new mission. Don’t let this go. You can’t miss this- no, absolutely not. 

One two three, one two three, you count in your head with each heavy breath, and finally on the last flight of stairs, you skip a few steps and just quicken the pace. Hopping off from the last tread, you didn’t realize that they were already by the front door, and that you almost headbutted straight through them. 

But still- thank fuck. You didn’t miss it. One of their hands clutching both your arms, balancing you from your rushing. Looking up, you didn’t miss how Din looked at you with a change from his rigid posture, the awkwardness fading so quickly. How you would have missed Jake’s shine in his eyes if you weren’t as observant as you were, as it was something that doesn’t appear as easy as you would think. 

“You still make a grand entrance, mi sol.” (my sun)

You would usually make a comment, just to tip Jake off a little from his balance. But you didn’t, instead you really threw him off by just grabbing his shoulder and pulling him- along with a surprised Din who yelped- to a giant hug. 

You breathe in, into the warmths of them. It was as if you were afraid to let go, that they’d disappear from your sight, and that you would never feel their skin right by yours ever again if you wrench your hands away. 

“You alright?” Din asks you, you only weakly chuckle. 

“I just- missed you guys so much.” You inhale again, “Mi querida/o (My darling), I’m here now. We’re here now.” 

The rays of the sun shine through you, and the past continues to enter your mind, like a stream. You didn’t bother to ask why they were here, it could have been a trick of fate, but you could care less, the only thing that mattered was that they’re here. With you. 

“Yeah. Yeah, I know.” 

And it was April, summer.. all over again. 

____________________________________________

Tag list: @darkened-writer @spacetime8032 @moonmaiden1996 @simonsbluee @shangchiswife @formyfandoms @howdidigotinhere @stagerightlauren @sleuth-sparkle @rvmanoffbarnes @dearlawdimasimp

#moon knight #the mandalorian #marc spector mcu #marc spector #marc spector x you #marc spector x reader #steven grant mcu #steven grant #steven grant x you #steven grant x reader #jake lockley #jake lockley x you #jake lockley x reader #din djarin #din djarin x you #din djarin x reader #moonknight x reader #the mandalorian x you

[writingquestionsanswered]

Hello and happy holidays! A mutual of mine recommended me this blog and so far I'm enjoying it!

Anyway, to the question/advice.

I've been struggling with writing for a long time now due to procrastination, stress and other factors. But when I write, the inspiration is there, but the motivation is lacking. So, I ended up writing with little motivation I have.

Like this:

Life at Auradon

Chapter one draft

Anxelin waited anxiously for the bell to go off, so that she can leave this godforsaken class called Grammar.

“Who on earth named this class Grammar?” the Goth girl thought.

Anxelin carefully took out her phone from her khaki pants pocket, and turned on the phone to check the time, under the desk of course.

The time reads: 10:55 A.M.

Anxelin groaned softly. “Just 5 minutes left to leave this class. Why can’t it be now?”

The school year just started and the Goth princess already hates it. She wished she had the power to disappear from this class and appear either in her dorm room or at the Enchanted Lake where she can be more at peace.

Anxellin took a look at her work that was laid on the desk in front of her; an essay of how this year’s summer went for everyone. In addition, the teacher said that the essay should be grammatically correct.

Bollocks.

To say Anxelin’s summer was bad would be an understatement. Over this past summer, Anxelin had to go back to summer school because she failed her physics exam in late May. Anxelin tried her best to explain herself to her parents that she studied and didn’t waste any time whatsoever. Also she never wanted to go summer school anyway but Rapunzel and Eugene insisted that she must go or else repeat her previous grade, to which Anxelin didn’t want but went anyways. She honestly had no idea how she failed and she studied hard for two weeks with her friends just to get a D on her exam result. Just perfect.

Anxelin quietly slid her phone back into her pants pocket before any nosy kid sees her with it because God forbid if someone saw Anxelin using her phone in class, they would report her and she would be sent to the Headmaster Godmother’s office. And Anxelin couldn’t bother to hear a long lecture about how you’re not supposed to use your phone during class, blah, blah, blah.

Geez, she only took out the phone because she wanted to check the time, as she forgot about her watch this morning due to rush. Give her a break.

In addition, I feel like my writing isn't good enough.

What do you think of my little writing and do you have any advice for a struggling writer like me?

Writing is hard.

But, the fact that you're inspired to write is a step in the right direction! And your writing isn't bad for a beginner. You slip from past-tense into present-tense a few times, but your prose is at a reasonable place for someone who is at the beginning of their writing journey.

It's very likely the procrastination and stress you're feeling in relation to writing is being caused by confidence issues, which are very demotivating. This is normal and it's normal to feel like your writing isn't good enough. Most writers experience these feelings, especially when they're starting out.

Unfortunately, the only way to improve your writing and your confidence is to push through those feelings and write. You become a good writer through practice, and you practice through writing.

Watch this video:

So, push past your fears and write. Create a large volume of work. You'll get better and better with each and every story you write and complete.

Best of luck to you, and please let me know if you have more questions! ♥

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[imaginatorcreates]

Songs

15 July 2023 — 22 July 2023

Summary: In which Akemi fixes a mecha and talks to Jazz about things.

Word Count: ~3k words

Author's Notes: Featuring my OCs in a D&D-esque world! Also, not entirely edited because my brain is tired.

Playlist:

Tank! By The Seatbelts: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UFFa0QoHWvE 

Secret Code by BRADIO: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lRHDI140yjw 

Dream Sweet in Sea Major from Hawaii: Pt. 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uxyM7vhU0uU 

Doctor by Jack Stauber: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dYLOEY012do 

“In a few days, the water should be purified again, and communication should be open to the outside regions, those that lie beyond The Divine Archipelago. If you see our heroes around the college or out and about, please thank them!

“That’s all for now, listeners.”

Akemi shut the radio off with a soft click and let out a soft sigh. She smiled to herself as she placed her arms on the workbench table, then rested her hand on her arms. “It was a battle of epic proportions!” she said with tired enthusiasm.

She glanced at the mecha she impulsively took out into battle. It was pink, sleek, and horribly battered. It took some hits from the Nightmare Goddess, denting its main armor. However, the main reason why it looked worse for wear was all the negative life energy that Dendar — that was the name according to her friend’s long presentation of notes, right? The notes were heavily TL;DR-ed by the tiefling — attacked her mecha with.

She was thankfully alive due to the mecha taking the brunt of the goddess’s attack, but she still couldn’t have helped the spike of panic and adrenaline that had coursed through her veins as the lights from the control cockpit flickered and every warning sound and sign had popped into existence.

“It’s okay! You’re not dead. Again. Yet.” Akemi took a deep breath in and out. “You’re alive. That’s what matters.”

She picked up her head from her workbench and looked at her battered mecha. “Oh, I could try to fix you up tonight. Just a bit. Until Jazz arrives.” The pink tiefling got up and stretched. She fiddled with the radio, adjusting the antenna and the dials so she would be able to play some of her own music as she worked. She turned up the volume and heard the blaring saxophone belt out the opening notes. As the bass and the bongos kicked in, she held her wrench up to her mouth as she mouthed the only vocals in the song:

“I think it's time we blow this scene. Get everybody and the stuff together. Okay, three, two, one let's jam.”

As the song picked up, she grabbed some of her tools, hopped onto her levitating platform and went about to fix up her mecha. The physical damage wasn’t all that bad. She used a few of the provided stored spells in the platform to shape the dented metal parts back, and she was able to fix and replace some of the interior mechanisms that had been knocked out of place.

However, the most tedious part of her work was figuring out how to get rid of the magical damage done to her baby.

Physical damage was easier to spot and fix.

Magical damage, on the other hand, required careful attention and some precautionary devices in case the magic was volatile. Akemi had seen what happened when neither of the above was heeded, and to be honest? She didn’t want to have to deal with that tonight!

“So hard! Why do you have to be so difficult for me tonight, ne?” she playfully asked her mecha as she rapped her knuckles on the metal. She waited a few moments before she acted like she was thinking. “Oh, but I could always save the hard work for tomorrow, yeah? More beings to help me out, more supplies…yeeaah, procrastination it is!”

She pulled up the protection runes on the control panel of the levitating platform and slapped a few onto her mecha. Head, torso, back, and limbs. The runes thrummed to life and made a few automatic adjustments based on the bad magic that had infected her mecha. When their song faded into a small hum, Akemi leaned back on the railing of the platform that everyone said to never lean on (oh, but college students felt themselves to be indestructible!) and admired her work.

Her playlist suddenly changed songs midway through and she turned around to find one, very familiar, very well-loved, blue-skinned, pointy-eared being fiddling with the radio.

“Jazz!” Akemi exclaimed. “When did you walk in here?”

“A while ago,” they said as they put the radio back onto the workbench table. “Enough to see you in the middle of fixing your mecha.” Their voice was no longer the smoother, more masculine voice everyone in the school heard through the radio. It was back to their preferred feminine one. But to analyze the different spectrums of the voice that was Jazz could take a lifetime.

Honestly? Akemi would enjoy that lifetime if it meant that she could listen to their voice forever.

Jazz gave her a toothy grin and tapped their pointer finger on the table to the beat of the song. “I bet you know the lyrics to this better than I do.” That was the only indication of their planned actions before they started to sing along.

“Feeling it in order is useless”

Akemi quickly tapped on the control panel of the platform to make it travel to the ground so she could join in on the improvised singalong.

“Love is a secret code, in other words”

The band’s choice to add in some Common to the song always kept Akemi on her toes whenever she listened to the song the first few times. She bopped her head alongside the tune as the threw open the railing and hopped down.

“Just what is its key? What does it want?”

Akemi skipped over to Jazz’s side and gave them a grin. She didn’t dare say a word before the first verse was even over.

“While it is beautiful, I don't want to understand it”

Akemi soon joined in with vocalizations as the first verse faded out. She moved her feet to the beat and spun around a little. “Did ‘cha miss me?” she asked Jazz as the vocalizations ended and the song started its next verse.

“Always,” Jazz said with a soft sigh. “Always, every day.” Their orange eyes softened as they looked at her. “I thought about you while I was on air tonight.”

“Oh really?” Akemi sat on her workplace bench and patted the spot next to her. “Do you wanna tell me about it?”

Jazz sat down next to her. “Can I, um, hug you while I tell you?”

Akemi raised her arms above her head. “Go ahead.”

Jazz adjusted their sitting position so they were more angled towards the shorter of the pair and wrapped their arms around her waist. They placed their chin on her shoulder and let out a quiet sigh.

Their own horns lightly hit Akemi’s and she chuckled at the overall sensation. “You’re in a cuddly mood today,” she said as she reached up with one of her hands and patted Jazz’s cheek. “You okay?”

“Mmm,” Jazz hummed. “Just trying to understand why you of all the beings in this college would look at a fight with a goddess and think to yourself, ‘I should jump into battle!’” They squeezed her tightly and added disgruntledly, “You may be smart, but you’re not wise Emi!”

Akemi sighed and placed her other hand onto Jazz’s hands. “I’m alive aren’t I? It’s proof that my mecha is battle-worthy as it’s been tested in the field.”

“That’s not an excuse! You could’ve died there.” Jazz squeezed her again and whispered, “I wouldn’t know what to do if you didn’t come back alive.”

Akemi opened her mouth to speak but Jazz was faster. “And no! Just because you already experienced death before, and that it scared you from the life of an adventurer…it doesn't mean that you could just go out there and do it again!”

Akemi stayed silent for a little to allow Jazz to calm down and collect their thoughts. When she felt their hug loosen a bit, she spoke up. “Your feelings are valid, let me start with that.” She patted their cheek again as she continued. “And you’re right. I could’ve died out there. And there might’ve been no way to be revived a second time. But those outsiders? Those weirdos out there? They’re my friends too. I wanted to help them in any way I could.”

Jazz hugged her tightly again. “You could’ve remotely piloted a mecha.”

“This mecha was meant for in-person control.”

“You could’ve looked for a different mecha.”

“This was the first mecha I jumped into.”

“By the gods Akemi!” Jazz let go of the hug and placed their hands on Akemi’s shoulders as they turned to fully face her. “You’re so…! You don’t think sometimes.”

“I know.”

“You worry me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You’re such a handful with your brilliant mind and your seemingly lack of common sense.”

Akemi pressed her forehead against Jazz’s forehead. “And you’re a handful yourself. You’re running a part-time radio station, helping build the next form of communication, and you somehow still managed to have feelings for me.”

Jazz chuckled. “Just don’t do anything stupid like that again. If not for me, then for your family.”

“Ah ah ah! You’re still included in the last part!” Akemi moved her head away from Jazz’s to properly gauge their reaction.

It seemed as if they had a small blush on their face from something she had said earlier, but now that blush had intensified and spread to their ears. “What?”

“You’re family to me! In whatever sense that means,” Akemi smiled at them. “And no take-backs!”

Jazz let out what could be described as a 20/80 mix of a snort and a chuckle. “Okay, no take-backs from me.” They stood up from the bench and asked, “Should we be heading home now?”

Akemi clicked off the radio and looked around at her workshop. It was relatively tidy. No need to clean it up. “Sure. Just need to fix up the main workshop and I’ll be good to go.”

Akemi shut off the lights and locked up before walking with Jazz to the main workshop. As the pair navigated their way through the quiet halls of the college, a figure nearly ran by them.

The figure stopped to look at the horned pair. They had a patchy phono with a hood that rested atop their head. Their hands gripped onto the edge of the hood as if it were the only thing that prevented them from being seen.

On the contrary, it only drew more attention to them in this circumstance.

Akemi peaked around the hood and managed to catch a glimpse of the figure’s face. A vitiligo-like pattern was visible on their bare skin, and white hair framed a pair of golden eyes that looked between Akemi and Jazz with a hint of curiosity amongst the fear of being caught.

The pink tiefling gestured towards an open window near the roof of the hallway. “Kenari went home already.”

The figure looked in the direction of Akemi’s gesture and nodded. They signed a quick ‘thank you’ before they scrambled up and out the window.

Jazz gave Akemi a confused look. “Did you know them?”

“Not really. Ask Kenari about it tomorrow. She knows a lot more about her friend.”

------

The fresh air hit differently when the pair finally left the college building. It was still relatively bright outside and pleasantly warm for the evening. Akemi stretched as the two walked. “Ah! That’s nice.” She saw Jazz look at them out of the corner of her eye, and turned to face them. “What?”

“Nothing. I was just thinking.”

“About what? C’mon Jazzy, what’s in your brain now?”

Jazz sighed. “Just thinking of some lyrics to a song.”

“You’re in a cuddly and musical mood today! Wow! Two birds with one stone.” Akemi mimicked throwing something as she said this.

Jazz chuckled at her antics and started to softly sing.

“You look quite divine tonight

“Here among these vibrant lights

“Pure delights surround us as we sail

“Signed, yours truly, the whale”

Akemi once again found herself being swept up on the voice that was Jazz. She gently swayed as she walked alongside them, her eyes glued to them as they serenaded her with a song that she had listened to a few times, but never enough to truly remember how the rest of it went.

However, she knew how the next part went and took silent joy in seeing Jazz appear flustered over this as she sang.

“Joy mirage's kingdom come

“No one left at stake

“Now that existence is on the wake

“Let's see what we can make”

“Of course you would know more of the song,” Jazz groaned. “You alien.”

“Thank you, my radio star!” Akemi giggled and bowed towards them. “I should be happy you’re serenading me today. I love your voice when you do.”

“Well, I love you,” Jazz said back.

“I love you too!”

“No. Akemi.” Jazz took her hand and brought it up to their lips before planting a gentle kiss onto the back of it. “I love you.”

Akemi let out a garbled exhale of words at this action. “I love you too Jazz.” Her face felt warm, but she kept it under wraps as she simply looked at them. “I love you with reckless abandon.”

Another quick kiss. “Do you get what I’m saying? I feel like you’re not.”

“You’re saying that you love me.” Akemi shrugged. “What more is there to that?”

“Your hands are cold,” Jazz murmured. “And you’re being dense again.” They took her other hand and sandwiched it between their own. A second passed before they gripped one hand in their own in an attempt to warm it up. They brought the other hand up to their lips and peppered it in small kisses.

Akemi let a giggle bubble up and burst. “Jazzy! What are you doing?”

“Warming up your hands.”

“By holding one and kissing the other?”

“It’s silly and stupid, yes! But you’ve been stressed lately Emi.” Jazz switched hands and said “Plus, I want to spoil you a little” before covering her other hand with kisses.

Akemi’s face warmed at the kind gesture. Her green eyes softened and closed a little as she silently watched Jazz spoil her. Yes, she may not love Jazz in the way that her classmates always gossiped about, but she loved them. She loved them in such a way that she would love an idea that wouldn’t let her go: She thought about them in many ways, but it was always blurring the lines between what she might do with a friend and what she read about in the books between lovers.

She loved them.

Oh.

That’s what they meant!

Before she could share the revelation that she made, Jazz lowered her hand from their lips and held both of her hands in one of their own. With their free hand, they gently grabbed her chin and gave her a quick kiss on her nose.

Now her face felt like it was going into a full blush! “Oop!” she gasped. “I think I’m sick again!”

Jazz laughed. “I’m not a doctor, but I think I might be able to help,” they said in a singsong tone.

“Oh!” Akemi giggled. “So you know that song too!”

“Of course. You introduced it to me.”

“Oh right!”

Jazz chuckled and gave Akemi a tight hug. “Silly alien.”

“I love you too, my radio star.”

“Do you really?”

“Yes! You know why?”

A hum. “Maybe I do, but tell me.”

“Because you’re Jazz.”

“How specific of you.”

“Oh! So you want specifics?” Akemi looked at them with a smirk. “I’ll give you specifics!” She gently placed her hands on their cheeks and looked them in the eyes as she whispered, “In another world, I swear I'll always seek you out. I’d find you and pick you out of a crowd. Every. Single. Time. Whether that be acting stupid in a market or laying on the ground with you, I'll find you and I’ll find a way to love you.”

The two stood in silence for what felt like a long time. Akemi could feel that Jazz’s face had gotten warmer, and she had no doubt that her own face had warmed as well.

“By the gods…” Jaz breathed. “I can’t top that.”

“You could always try.”

Jazz stood there for a few moments before they simply pressed their forehead to Akemi’s. “Not right now.”

“You sure?”

“Well…” Jazz broke the forehead touch before they tilted their head a little and looked at her for permission.

Akemi chuckled. “Oh, you. Just one.”

“Just one,” they repeated. “Just one for this evening in this world.”

The two met in the middle. Gone were the sudden lunges and bleeding lips; those were in the past. Now, it was just quick and sweet, punctuated with giggles and thumbs gently rubbing each others’ cheeks.

“You enjoy those a little much, don’t you?”

“Well,” Jazz slowly moved away and shrugged. “I sometimes think to myself, in another world, I could be in love with you, in that typical way. Or maybe I am, and I’m deep in denial. But, I’m happy here, with what we have,” they concluded. “And if that's okay with you, then that’s all I really need.”

Akemi only pressed their foreheads together for a quick nuzzle as she answered with, “Then so be it.” She pulled away again and grabbed Jazz’s hand. “Okay! Dinner! Let’s grab some before all the good places sell out!” She pointed forwards as if on an important quest. “Onwards!”

The two walked off, hands swinging in the air in large arches when they felt silly enough. It was silly, stupid, but most of all, it was absolutely uniquely lovely.

#Ima Writes #writing #original writing #my writing #oc #queer #lgbtq+ #queerplatonic #dnd #dungeons and dragons