#a codependency that prevents them from being lonely | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

pandababies777 · 7 months

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Whenever I have a crush on someone I always get obsessive, creepy, and desperate with extreme anxiety if I don’t date them right away. It honestly feels like I’m going to die the next day if they fail to reciprocate, with headaches and chest pains that take forever to go away. Whenever I want someone or something, I just want it so bad I can’t relax until it happens. Or if it doesn’t, I end up having severe meltdowns that would result in welfare visits from the police.

I’m a lonely person who rejected my parents after realizing they were individually fucked up. My father is an angry and racist asshole who always used violence and intimidation to get what he wanted. He was a deadbeat to my half sister and lied to me about her existence for many years to hide his past abuse. I remember he would spend frivolously on fast food and fishing gear, and then get pissed off if he was nagged about it. He would be so reckless with debts we ended up homeless and evicted out of my childhood home. Whenever I wanted to invite Black or South Asian friends home, he would yell and try to convince me they were violent or going to steal from me. Just like how I used to be, he would rip on every race he could unless he found them to be useful. He fetishizes Asian women a lot, especially Filipino ladies because he believed white women were trying to be too dominant with him. In reality they just wanted some fucking respect. He would spend the remainder of their life together flirting with ladies from the Philippines and Thailand online, before threatening to release their nudes if they weren’t obedient. For many years I would have flashbacks of how he would throw me on the ground to beat me up. Often times he would punch me in the face or grab me by the hair and throw me across the room like a rag doll. I still have pictures of the bruises he gave. Even as an adult he would beat me up. I couldn’t bond with him properly because of how he blamed his temper on everyone except himself. He blamed everything on the abuse his parents gave, and I believed him until his siblings would deny everything. Now I’m not quite sure if he was honest or trying to play victim. The only thing I know for sure was how my grandmother babied him while my grandfather became the disciplinarian.

My mother is a codependent and ableist narcissist who believe autistic people are permanent, brain dead children who constantly need supervision regardless of their age. She would forbid me from learning how to use the bus until I was 18 because she believed having autism meant I couldn’t figure out public transit. She would prevent me from joining activities to meet other kids outside of school when I was getting bullied after believing having autism would make it difficult to tell her if I got molested. Extreme paranoia and obsessive thoughts about me getting hurt would keep me from a lot of opportunities to be social. And I would look at my life in elementary school believing, “That’s it, that’s all the people I’m ever going to meet in life so I need to figure out how I can be an exact copy everyone else and make friends.” She would bitch and complain about all my friends, even the good ones. I lost two amazing friends that I still think about after she tricked me into believing they were using me first. I began to use them for trauma dumping years after my Mom convinced me they were using me after I wasn’t invited to a California trip years ago. And the thing is I know I’m not entitled to every single trip they make, because they would include me in a lot more than just one vacation. I’m not entitled to anyone’s leisure time. I would take our financial woes out on my mother because she had poor health and couldn’t hold a job. I would tell her every day I hated her because she didn’t have a job to stop us from being poor. And she didn’t want to listen to me about getting her life together and leaving him because she was addicted to pain killers. She was more concerned about financial security than my mental health. I would often beg her for a therapist or a psychiatrist for my issues, but then she would tell me it was all talk like you do at home. She didn’t want me talking about my father after believing CPS would be called to take me away from him. She was scared of losing her home and money if he wasn’t around. The most she ever did was take me to only two counselling sessions because I threatened suicide at school after kids were bullying me on a grade nine geography field trip. From then on I developed a bad habit of threatening suicide to release intense emotions I couldn’t handle or force people to say nice things about me. I just couldn’t figure out where to go when it came to making friends to replace my parents so I felt like I had two options; emulate what everyone else wanted in a friend at school or force people to like me through threats and manipulation. She always had an excuse for everything she did to me like, “Oh I didn’t let you join things as a child because you were going to get molested and not tell me because you have autism,” or “I didn’t let you join things because I was afraid your autism would make you act out and embarrass yourself.” Then she would say she didn’t want to leave because of financial security or blame it on the fact my father ruined her self esteem. Honestly, if you’re going to have excuses you might as well be consistent. I couldn’t believe her when she said she didn’t want another kid with him because he was an asshole. Especially after she told me I don’t have sibling from her because, “You made Mommy too tired.” I would grow up and see her get fed up with being around children whenever I invited people over, and believed she only wanted me to trap my father. Now that I think about it, they both probably used her pregnancy to keep both of them from separating. On top of everything else, I think she was burned out and fed up from trying to take care of me. She would use our relationship as a source of fulfillment to make up for her own pathetic life where she couldn’t have friends after believing he would embarrass her. She would also use me as a therapist to talk shit about my father, where he once tried to lock her out of the apartment for going to a work Christmas party.

My parents used each other for financial stability after my father’s ex sued him for child support, while my mother wanted to escape a shitty roommate situation. They stayed together for over 25 years out of convenience. I couldn’t bond with either of them because of his anger, and her refusal to respect that I wanted to have my own life outside of my mother. She would be extremely overprotective while my father hardly gave a shit. They still neglected me by refusing to let me continue mental health services during my childhood. I know somewhere she said she regrets not letting me talk about my father to the therapist. It could have saved me. However, it still doesn’t excuse both of my parents for how they would either beat me up or treat me like a permanent child, even as an adult. My mother often accused me of lying to her, and while I do feel bad for doing it sometimes, I always felt like she was too intrusive so I had no choice but to defend myself by becoming secretive. Even when I moved out she always wanted to know where I was at all the time, who I was with, and would threaten to call the cops if I didn’t respond to a bunch of text messages within 15 minutes. I wanted space to figure out my issues and mental health when I first tried to move out, and she would constantly get paranoid when we wouldn’t talk every day. All I wanted was to have my own private thoughts and feelings, and she would force me to share everything. I mean for God sakes I know I could have eventually opened up if she respected my privacy and didn’t pressure me to share everything with her.

I rejected my parents ever since I was 12 years old because I instinctively knew why they were fucked up without understanding it at first. Then I would try to seek connections in school or the workplace and get rejected or bullied. AND IF I HAD JUST FUCKING LEARNED HOW TO BE AN EXACT COPY OF EVERYONE ELSE AROUND ME GROWING UP I WOULD HAVE MORE THAN ENOUGH CONNECTIONS TO SAY FUCK YOU MOM AND DAD! I DON’T NEED YOU ANYMORE BECAUSE THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO ACTUALLY WANT TO FUCKING LOVE ME PROPERLY! IF I HAD ONLY FUCKING BOTHERED TO LEARN HOW TO BE NORMAL AND JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I COULD HAVE MADE COUNTLESS CONNECTIONS THAT WOULD STAY AND KEEP ME FROM MISSING MY STUPID WHITE TRASH REDNECK FAMILY! IF MY STUPID FUCKING PARENTS BOTHERED TO GET THEIR FAT AND UGLY DAUGHTER BREAST IMPLANTS AND LIPOSUCTION I COULD HAVE FUCKING GOTTEN MARRIED WITH KIDS BY NOW AND STOP QUESTIONING WHY THAT SHIT HAPPENS FOR EVERYONE ELSE EXCEPT FOR ME BECAUSE OF FUCKING COWORKERS WHO WOULD ASK ME WHY I AM 30 OR APPROACHING IT WITHOUT A FUCKING BOYFRIEND! WE ALL KNOW MEN ARE NOT FUCKING CAPABLE OF LOVE UNLESS THE WOMAN LOOKS LIKE A PERFECT SPORTS ILLUSTRATED SWIMSUIT MODEL OR HOLLYWOOD ACTRESS BECAUSE YOU FUCKERS EXPECT A LOW MAINTENANCE GIRL WHO LOOKS HIGH MAINTENANCE! I AM FUCKING SICK OF FAT AND UGLY MEN WITH DAD BODS GETTING DATES WHILE WOMEN ARE PRESSURED TO LOOK LIKE A VICTORIA SECRET MODEL! AND IF THEY DON’T BOTHER TRYING TO BE ONE, THEY FUCKING RISK DYING ALONE LIKE ME!

#my poor brain

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astroyongie · 3 years

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NCT Love Life - November Edition

Note: As you guys know, I had some health issues that prevented me from posting my love life readings of October. NCT, Stray Kids, Itzy and Aespa readings for November have been done and will be published this week (one per day). Don’t hesitate to send me a request if you want to know about any group love life !

Part One

Taeil

So basically Taeil is still getting to know this person that came into his life, however there was some things that have happened that disturbed and disappointed him. Firstly, the person lied about their age and it messed the whole thing up. Taeil is still trying to work on things but it seems like the company isn’t very okay with this new “relationship” and honestly he doesn’t know what to do either

Johnny

To be honest this man desires a family, a stable relationship and he has even been thinking about children these last days. However he knows that his work can’t let him have such things. He is still seeing this person he is interested in, and he thinks that he is mature enough to start something. Still, many desires that cannot be attended and that annoys him.

Taeyong

For Taeyong things aren’t looking good. I am almost certain that his current partner broke up with him, but he is still in a very deep state of denial, not wanting to believe that things have ended up. Feels like they left town or even country for a while and he still hopes and believes strongly that once they come back that things will be like before. Taeyong is focused on his work, trying to dull his pain in it, but honestly he is just lying to himself in order not to hurt

Yuta

I don’t understand what Yuta is doing, but he literally pushed his love interest away from him. Despite having growing feelings for them, Yuta has no intentions to start anything. He thinks a lot about his past relationships and he doesn't want to live something like that again, so he prefers to focus on his career only which made him to be very self protective of his heart to the point he made this person leave. It’s very sad considering that it was a potential soulmate

Doyoung

Doyoung’s situation hasn’t changed much since October. He is still single and still focusing on his career only. About his old wounds, he is working on it but there’s a lot of guilt attached to it. He blames himself for many things, trying now to find some inner peace through music.

Jaehyun

Jaehyun’s energy is all over the place. It seems like after this argument he had, he finally is understanding that his actions were not good. He is trying to change his “fuck around” personality and he made some sacrifices (aka finished his regular hook ups ). Still, there’s a lot of anger and words that are impacting him. Jaehyun blames is childhood for his behaviors and he understands as well he won’t be able to get back with the person he hurt

Jungwoo

Jungwoo finally made a decision and unfortunately he did choose to stay with the person he has been with for the last months. Despite things being very toxic and him feeling lonely and not happy, he is just way too in love and he strongly believes that they can make it work out with efforts. The company tried to interfere but Jungwoo doesn’t care and he won’t let go of this person

Mark

Mark is still in a relationship with this idol and despite everything being new they are working things up. There truly is love between them two, and their difference is the reason they are so attracted to each other. Things are still complicated but their sincerity shall help fix things

Haechan

He totally forgot about his old relationship and he is totally focused on his new one that is actually starting to become very codependent in both parties. There’s some inner troubles in their relationships but haechan doesn’t seem to let that bother him. He wants to work through all with them.

#NCT #nct reactions #nct haechan #nct taeil #nct johnny #nct taeyong #nct 127 #nct astrology #nct headcanons #nct mtl #nct blurbs #nct imagines #nct scenarios

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numbaoneflaya · 3 years

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Can I get a list of all ur ocs?

Well anon youve done it, you made me make a list of all my major OCS in one place. I hope your happy with yourself. Under the cut for obvious reasons, may link in my blog desc later.

Modern/BTD verse!!

Jilly- Ferret beastkin little creature, was recently turned into a werewolf by vincent as well so she's running around on full moons in a wereferret wolf hybrid creature form. Chaotic and friendly and wants to be everyone's bestie. She has the most energy in the world and is very kind hearted. Banned from most Claires for stealing and from one Home Depot for climbing the shelves. Prone to living life with rose colored glasses on and seeing the best in everything/everything even when there's nothing there. Socialization is a must for her and is why being basemented/kidnapped broke her psych so quickly and developed severe stockholm. Sometimes overly talkative/enthusiastic and can scare people off. Even if she sees someone shes decided shes friends with be noticeably 'evil', will convince herself it must be for some reason/her fault and ignore it.

Ciggy- Undead punk still learning to harness his powers to interact with the world as a ghost. Was sacrificed by a cult he joined for free concert tickets and to get laid. Likes to cause problems on purpose both pre and prior death and he's not above possessing someone once he learns how to. Was called Rooster in high school before he dropped out because he's loud, obnoxious and always screaming. And also has bright red dyed hair. Looking 4 ways to become less ghosty bcs he wants to be able to help raise his infant daughter, whom he died before he could meet. Bit annoying and in your face, likes poking at bruises, his or others. Kind of a sad heart seeking attention through volume and persistence.

Mike: Vampire loser! Sells drugs and lives at raves. Was turned when she was attacked by a coked out vampire (whom she supplied the product to) and has major scarring on her face and chest. Needs a somewhat constant influx of blood so shell sometimes take victims back to her place and chain them up, slowly draining them over time. Feels bad (ish) about it tho so it is possible to survive her if you are nice and or interesting enough. Kind of desperate for a friend and for love. Is a stalker. If she likes you enough/finds you interesting, she might just appear in your house one night and start rummaging through your fridge like nothing is wrong and youve been besties for years. Its best to indulge her and be friendly, otherwise she could turn violent quickly if her feelings are hurt.

Kilaine- Regular human woman, but fucked up. Born and raised by an elite waspy society she had an interest in the human body and pain tolerance since she was young. Quickly learned that these traits were socially unacceptable in most professions, so she became a doctor. The only family she cared about was her younger sister who she lost in a car accident, where they were flipped over and trapped inside while it was afire. While her sister burned up in front of her Kilaine only lost her left arm and had major burns on her body. This tipped her descent into sadism and she is now madly obsessed with bringing her sister back no matter the cost. Rude and offstandish, clinical.

Dragon age verse!

Thurwen- My main Hero of Ferelden with a bad temper and a heart of gold. City elf from the Denerim Alienage, 18 at the start of origins. She's a reaver warrior with a lot of pent up rage which sometimes scares others when she lets it out in battle. Over the years she's grown less moody as she's had to take the role of Commander. Crude sense of humor and violent impulses, very sensitive to the plights of others and tries often to help. Never seen crying in public but only cries to herself at night- major martyr and hanged man complex.

Caz- My circle mage elf inquisitor who was an apostate before the conclave. Blood magic, but make it sneaky. Wary of strangers and new faces, always dealing with the impulse to flee/find a high vantage point. Endless curiosity about the unknown/ the forbidden/ naughty, was supposed to be made tranquil for it but she escaped. Kind of a little creature as well, lived on her own for a while as an apostate in the woods, filed her teeth down to sharp ends to make herself look more intimidating (shes 5 ft tall) and less cute (her elf ears are huge and expressive, which shes embarrassed about)

Dag and Thagna- Carta twins! Professional lyrium smugglers since birth pretty much. Raised casteless in dust town and had to work their way up the chain of command by themselves. Dag is the brother, Thagna the sister. Their father traded them to the carta for drinking money and their mom died in childbirth so they have somewhat of a codependent relationship. Both charismatic and calculating, friendly and agreeable but won't hesitate to put a dagger in your back. Hard to pin down morally or physically, squirrelly bastards.

Reila: Dalish elf who works for the inquisition/ is the inquisitor in some aus. She has an extreme fixation on elvhen history and rebuilding what they have lost. Not a people person, prefers solitude. Takes some time to warm up to shemhlen as she has a hard history with them. Good friends with Caz, who recruited her in the first place. Doesn't understand very many social cues and finds societal expectations limiting and frustrating. Fondness for halla and hooved animals, which she finds graceful.

Elder scrolls verse!

Valkya: Near seven foot nord woman whos over a thousand years old by the events of skyrim. Tall and buff, two handed warrior and compulsive hero there to bask in the spotlight save the day. She was killed at the start of the events of Elder scrolls online and had her soul ripped out and sent to coldharbor and she's just been a pain in the ass about it since then. Her body can physically die and will not regrow pieces. Her soul however will escape and teleport to the nearest source of power where her body will regrow from an aetherial plasm until its whole again. Loud and brash, friendly and jovial. Actually pretty keen especially after centuries of life but prefers to play dumb as it makes people underestimate her. Plus, she really does enjoy mud wrestling and drinking contests and acting generally like a rambunctious frat boy. Ha developed a bit of a substance problem and a problem with acting out, as after being alive so long she would turn to anything to dull the ache inside of her that never goes away.

Espira- My Dragonborn! Redguard from Hammerfell who was briefly in the Ash’abah due to killing undead while protecting her parents water farm as a child. Ran away from them after years and went to Cyrodille, then to Skyrim and was caught crossing the border. Reserved, kind and soft spoken, she's a sword and shield warrior who's committed herself to doing good in the world by helping others. Dislikes killing and anything messy but believes it is often necessary in order to protect the weak. She blacksmiths often to save money on the upkeep of her own equipment, and takes up metal jewelry working as a hobby with the excess material. Prone to trusting others too much and giving too many second chances, as shes always looking for ways to make even the most hardened criminal a second look at life.

Riley- Espiras little brother who she locked in the wardrobe during the event of the water farm attack. In preventing him from doing violence against the undead she kept him from being conscripted into the Ash’abah. He's way more chaotic than his sister, and suffers from a case of little sibling syndrome in which he will often pester/poke at people just to get a rise out of them. Still kind hearted as his sister, he tries to hide it because he believes that the world is a cruel place and the cruel survive. Despite that belief he is often still unable to force himself to be cruel/careless, only making a show of it so that others leave him alone and don't see that he's very sensitive and emotional. Deaf in one ear due to a magic mishap in his youth, he trained and enchanted his most beloved rats to live for years and sit on his shoulder, alerting him to noises he would not otherwise notice.

Felria: Evil vamp :/ chaotic evil dunmer necromancer. Small and devilish and likes dead bodies too much. Manipulative and cunning, she loves acting. She's a trained assassin for the dark brotherhood and is the speaker. Likes dressing up for missions and wearing disguises like its all a play. Loves toying with people more than she loves killing them, will act in ways that cause as much trauma as possible for other people just for fun and she finds the reactions interesting. Considers herself too far removed from most people's perception of morality and of her so it's hard for her to trust someone or see them as worthy of knowing her. Finds the psychology of grief and fear to be interesting and wants to study them first hand. The hero of kvatch.

Herren: Fifty something year old rat woman looking for something to keep her going. Ran away from her wealthy family in her youth when they wanted her to take charge of the household, instead became an infamous jewel thief and swashbuckler. Spent most of her life traveling and stealing and double dealing. She's smarmy and sarcastic, a serial romancer of the highest caliber. Bit of a show off and a hedonist, always looking for the next good party or new product to snort. Her family died off due to the hard times she wasn't there for and she keeps looking for bigger and bigger heists to fill her appetite as she's chronically bored and lonely, though wont accept intimacy and will scoff at it out of the belief she doesn't deserve it. Irresponsible and selfish, lonely and terrified of any sort of commitment. Fun to party with though!

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black-streak · 4 years

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Saturday night's alright for fighting (but Sundays are meant for rest) - Deprived

Part 13

In case y'all forgot, their entire relationship started with sleeping and cuddles. If you're sick of reading about it, I don't know how you made it this far. Last! Bit! Until the bet's end! Warning, it might take me forever to write part 14. Thoughts are always loved.

Tags!: @emjrabbitwolf @mystery-5-5 @worlds-tiniest-spook-pastry @fandomkitty8 @dast218 @silvergold-swirl @shizukiryuu . @my-name-is-michell @kurogaya913 @elspethshadow @thecatnipmademedoit @shamefullove @ladylucina28 @crazylittlemunchkin @rayray384 @cassiejaydee @yuulxd @ladysblackcat @naclychilli @caffeinetheory @persephonebutkore @fertileleaf @hypnosharkrebeldreamer @weird-pale-blonde-person @st0rmy-w1th1n @littleblue5mcdork @dudet @naoryllis @disneyfoxuniverse @lordsmeldingtonthethird @taoiichii @resignedcatservant @iloontjeboontje @a-fan-fighting-for-equality

~---~

Missing someone starts simple enough. You raincheck a date or have to cancel a few times because life just demanded too much of you that week. Not that big of a deal, especially for a new couple. Surely the attachment and codependency hasn't settled in too heavily yet. Except maybe you're accustomed to seeing them at least four nights and two days every week at minimum even before dating. Perhaps that person helps with your bad habits and the lack of their presence disperses half your impulse control. There's even a chance that your basic human needs get tossed into a shallow grave with no marker because who really needs food and water and sleep? Those are optional right? But really, to skip all the roundabout half speak, it all accumulated into one basic thought, 'I miss Tim.'

...

"Something I should know about?" Robin spoke, not turning towards her where she landed at his side.

"Not allowed to follow my bestie every now and again?"

"Tt. I am well aware that I am not your usual choice of company, Tuemessian. Angel's? Maybe. Not yours."

She hesitated a moment, contemplating teasing only to stop herself. She came to confide in him, not annoy and he had already offered the branch. No need to have it retracted.

"Batman decided to tail Red a few days ago."

"Hmm, Red Robin hasn't been on any particularly difficult cases lately. Why would he need the extra help?"

"Because of me."

"We all know you shadow him. No reason to start getting uppity about it now," he paused for a moment before shooting her an accusatory look, "Something must have changed. And you neglected to inform me."

Heaving a long suffering sigh at Robin's tone, she fell against his side.

"Might've gotten on Batman's bad side. And let him see me. And hung off Red."

"So he's babysitting you now," he realized.

"Pretty much."

"And you came running to me in retaliation so as not to be observed," he observed with an unimpressed scowl.

"I will not be tailed by a man in a glorified onesie. It's demeaning and rude," she sniffed, nose turned up in a perfect imitation of Chloe.

"Suppose I should get used to my new patrol partner then?"

"Until Bats gets his head out of where it doesn't belong anyways," she pouted further, "I'm going to miss Red."

"If you plan to whine about it, I won't stick around to hear it," he threatened.

"Yeah right, you love me too much to just abandon me."

"Don't push it."

…

Two nights later, Jason found Marinette sitting on the roof of the manor, drawing in her sketch pad.

"You know Littlewing is out tonight, right?"

"Yeah."

"Alright sugarcube, what's up? You always follow him on patrol nights," Jason asked, settling behind her and letting her lean back into his chest, taking comfort in the contact, "Unless you're the reason Batsy bitched all of last night?"

"He confronted Tim on why Vixen wasn't following Red Robin anymore. Said that Vixen was his responsibility and he was shirking it."

"And Tim told him to stop supervising his nights out," Jason filled in the blanks, chuckling at the memory, "thought he'd blow a gasket when Tim ignored him after that."

"Red told me he'd let me know when Bruce decided to back off so I could come out again. Followed Robin the last two nights, but it got boring. Taking a night off."

"Yeah, kid's too serious in the suit to be much fun. What you working on up here anyways?"

"New outfit for Kori. Owe her one," she stifled a yawn, concentrating once more on the mechanics of making a crop top that didn't move or lift with your arms up or when turned upside down, without being skin tight.

"And the roof was the best option for this, obviously."

"No distractions up here."

"Or really?"

"Don't even think about it!"

He snagged the sketchbook and took off back through the window and down the hall, laughing when he heard a shriek and the immediate sounds of Mari giving chase.

"Jason get back here with that!"

…

Stephanie dropped into the apartment on a Thursday, taking in the fabric bound chaos of the living area, particularly thick around a work desk that seemingly exploded. Scattered bits of boning, lacing, eyelets, three seam rippers and notably a few chains, sticking out of the disaster. In the center of it all sat a tiny designer with a vicious snarl curling the edge of her lip.

Skipping over, Steph wrapped her hands around and squeezed at the tense shoulders, noticing the concerning lack of reaction.

"Mari, I'm hungry."

"I'll make you something later."

"Hmm, don't think so. I'm calling for pizza. You're joining me and no, work is not allowed during pizza time."

With that, she dragged Marinette off the chair and into the bedroom, both dropping onto the bed as Stephanie made the call, not needing to ask what the other wanted. Marinette didn't bother arguing, which was only more concerning. Steph wondered for a moment if she should call in reinforcement, but ultimately opted out. 'Nah, I got this.'

"Okay, should be here soon," she stated, relaxing into the comforter for a while, letting the other recover from being abruptly yanked out of work mode; read ten minutes of silence before curiosity won out.

"So what are you killing yourself over this time? Oh! Your suit for the next show? You have to let me see it!"

"No no, that was finished a week ago. You can stop by the studio tomorrow to check it out. You're still coming with me, right? I have a dress set aside for you."

"Obviously. I'm your date. However, that doesn't answer what you were getting so pissy with out there?" She teased, peaking at the other from the corner of her eye.

"It's a corset. Like, an actual, structured, hand embroidered, perfectly laced up corset. My hands feel like a crime scene with how much I've torn into them trying to get this right."

"Oh god, those things are so intricate. You're going to be screaming bloody murder by the end, why would you even do that to yourself?"

"... Haven't been sleeping much, figured it'd help get the frustration out."

"You never sleep much. Hence the sleep cuddle club," she pondered the thought a moment before snickering, "you two could make a business out of that if you weren't already swamping yourselves. Cuddle sessions for the sleep deprived and lonely. Oh! I'll go grab the door. I'm stealing your wallet by the way."

Stephanie launched out of the room to the sound of a knocking door and a Mari grumbling about it hardly being stealing when you announce it and the owner doesn't care. Walking back in, she dropped the box between them, yanked the top off and grabbed for the garlic butter sauce they ordered to dip the crusts in.

"You're disgusting."

"And you lack respect for sauce. What else is new?"

"... I've been skipping nap time too," Mari muttered, hoping the other wouldn't hear.

"What do you mean you've been skipping naps? That's like, the only time you two ever sleep! Marinette, you cannot be awake 24/7."

"Pshh, more like 23/6. I crash hard on day 7."

"... That's a whole mood. Might I ask as to why you hate yourself so suddenly?"

"My commissions have gone through the roof with award season coming up, and spring weddings start up immediately after that. I might be clientele only, but my client basis is massive at this point! I don't have time and the few moments I've been free, Tim's been out for the night. And lord knows I don't sleep well alone."

"Uh-huh. And how long has this been going on?" Steph focused on the cheese stringing from her mouth that just would not let go, to give the other a chance to build up to tell the truth without having a guilty stare off.

"Um. About two weeks?" Mari flinched, wishing she were Tuemessian so she could disappear right there.

"So what you're telling me is that you haven't slept more than 12 collective hours, you're overworking yourself to the point of compliance to my antics, and your boyfriend, who's just as much of a sleepless wreck as you are, hasn't dragged you off for your regularly scheduled nap dates. Is that correct?"

"Well yeah. Wait, my boyfriend?"

"Don't even try me, I know you and Tim are a thing. No denying it. It's so damn blatant, it's ridiculous the others seem so oblivious to it," Steph rolled her eyes, daintily wiping her fingers off and grabbing a half empty water bottle off the nightstand to drain. A perfect contradiction of uppity and uncaring that only she seemed to pull off.

Marinette could only blink in surprise for a moment before nodding along, "We didn't plan for this," she murmured, half distracted.

"For what?"

"Nothing," she shook her head to clear the thought, "point is.Yes? I mean, we're just really busy and haven't found time and he knows how important this all is to me and even if he doesn't approve, it's not like he can get away to prevent it. Which would make him a total hypocrite if he called me out on it. Honestly, it's not even that bad, I'm catching up on so much now and I'll get to see him soon I'm sure, just as soon as I get through this season and!"

"That's it! I'm staging an intervention! We're finishing this pizza, cleaning you up and then I'm dropping you off at his apartment where you will sleep. Tomorrow the two of you are not leaving the bed until noon at the earliest. No work, only rest. Understood?"

"Noooo, Stephanniiieee, I'm busy!"

"Are you telling me you don't want snuggles?"

"... No."

"Then quit your bitchin, your arguments are lost on me. Now help me with this before I eat it all, itty bitty."

…

It took maybe fifteen minutes to finish the food and get some water down, another twenty to shower and get coerced into wearing cozy black fleece leggings, lavender tank top, and a soft, deep royal purple cardigan, and finally an extra ten minutes to lock up and make it out of the complex.

While Marinette was locked away in the bathroom, Stephanie called up Tim.

"Tell me you're at home. Or can be back in the next fifteen minutes."

"I just walked in?"

"Perfect, I'm dropping Mari off soon. She's like the walking dead right now and that's coming from the Dead Robins Club VP."

"VP…"

"Duh, Jason's the President. Damian's a recruit. Mari's not allowed to become the newbie. She's not even a Robin, it'd make no sense."

"What about Dick and I?"

"You two never actually died, doesn't count."

"Fair… wait, what's going on with ma loutine?"

"When's the last time you slept properly? Or even napped?"

"..."

"So when do you think she last slept or napped?"

"..."

"We'll be there soon."

…

Marinette found herself dragged up to his apartment, the door opening as she was pushed forward into a warm, familiar chest.

Since being dragged from her work, the lack of self care was slowly catching up to her. She hadn't even bothered to pull her hair out of her face, just letting the freshly blow dried fluff fall were it may. She had a vague idea of how they got here, but either way was grateful to find herself warm and held, even if it was in a doorway with the two talking over her head. She caught only snippets: something about not skipping out on each other anymore and a suggestion about living situations that made the body pressed to hers flush. Eventually the two stopped and Stephanie left. A hand pressed to the side of her face and she looked up to Tim who tilted to rest his forehead on hers.

"Hello sweetheart."

"Mon Somnambule," she smiled, eyes closing automatically.

"Think you're beating me there. When have you last slept?"

"Hypocrite."

"That's not an answer."

Mari pouted, not looking like she wanted to answer.

"Have you slept beyond an hour at a time?"

"I can't remember," she admitted.

"Why haven't you slept? You're usually better at self regulation than I am."

"Missed you."

"It's more than that though, isn't it?"

She pulled back and burrowed back into his chest, concentrating on the sound of his heartbeat.

"Couldn't sleep alone. Dark figure stalking me. Brought back bad memories. Became a nonentity for a reason. I do the following now. I make others uncomfortable, observe and toy with them. Not the other way round."

"I took care of that. He won't follow me anymore. You can come back out. But sweetheart, why didn't you call me?"

"Too risky at night with him following you. Too busy during the day. Didn't seem like there was a good time," she admitted.

He frowned, but let it go, gently tugging her arms over his shoulders to clasp behind his neck and placed his hands on the back of her thighs in a prompt to jump up. With her firmly wrapped around him, he made way to his bedroom, sitting down on the edge and pulling back a touch.

"Maybe Steph was right about living situations," he muttered to himself, hushing her when she hummed in confusion.

"Are you comfortable sleeping in that?"

She tugged at the cardigan, accidently getting tangled until he helped her out of it, folding it off to the side. She tucked her face down into the side of his neck and slumped into him completely. Turning them about, he settled her down, curling around her.

"Sleep well, love."

#timari #timinette #part 13 #ml x dc #maribat #I also need to be dragged to sleep #hints at dark past #doesnt get into it #use your imagination

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kittypryde-bipride · 3 years

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a requiem for those who never listened

Little Number Seven has always been too much power and too much feeling in a tiny container- it was inevitable, really, that it’d all spill over eventually.

She’s young but she’s smart – astonishingly so for her age, she works hard for it – and she’s better with her powers than the rest of her siblings.

Numbers One, Two, and Six rely on brute strength, even then, and entirely lack finesse. She could cut them down from a distance and destroy them.

Number Three is too young to know what most words mean and has no idea how to direct her powers to become a threat. She can steal the words from her mouth, the sound from her lips, and her sister would be powerless against her.

Numbers Four and Five have potential to be something great, just like her, but one of them is undriven – even frightened, she thinks – and the other is ambitious for causes other than the one their father has in mind. She doesn’t see a threat from them as long as their path remains separate from hers.

She’s the best of them for a while, but it seems equally inevitable that people would aim to halt her growth, even before she really started to take off- people fear the things stronger than themselves.

Her father talks to her, sometimes, tells her that she’s more special than the rest of her siblings combined and that’s she’s destined for something amazing, if only she can learn to control herself.

Learn to cut out her fragile and tumultuous emotions.

He tries to talk to her about destiny and the end of the world and how he regrets what he’s done to them, but that they’ll understand and even appreciate it one day.

He believes in them but doesn’t trust them, monitors them closely, and seems to treat her like an adult more than he ever does codependent Number Two, whiny Number Four, or nervous Number Six. She thinks this means he might trust her, even a little.

This naïve sense of connection she feels is what prevents her from having her guard up around him.

But she’s only four, barely old enough to understand what powers are, when her sister pulls her aside and tells her that she’s ordinary. That she’ll never be anything more than ordinary.

Her powers grant her an unusual connection to sound, a deeper relationship than anyone else has ever really had, and Number Three’s words somehow reverberate through the air – deep into her bones – and it aches a little.

She feels this numbness begin to inch its way through her, as insidious and biting as the rumor her sister speaks into existence, and it feels so empty that it’s good. She doesn’t want it, knows it’s wrong, but bad things should feel bad and this just feels like nothing – it’s delightfully simple, if anything – and so she accepts the feeling.

Then the vibration stops and it’s sunk in deep and she doesn’t hear anything special at all anymore.

She won’t again for a long time.

Vanya is thrown dramatically into the past with a resounding crash.

Something falls with her, cradled in her arms, and she instinctively cushions it from impacting.

It’s terrifying, of course it is, and she just hits the ground and bounces for a moment before lying still on some painfully hard and biting surface.

She rolls over, feels blood leaking through her palms where she tried to catch herself and through everywhere else when she failed, and her breath rattles in her lungs.

She doesn’t have her bearings yet, but judging by the lack of noise around her, she can guess that she’s landed alone.

And that’s fine, it’ll have to be, because it’s been a long time since the seventh sibling has gotten the chance to be anything but lonely.

It hurts her, because she somehow escaped this apocalypse of her own creation but no one made it out alongside her, so of course even this safety is horribly marred.

Something’s different now, in the past, and it only takes a moment for her to know what it is.

At her core, now that the rumor and pills – her perfect oblivion – are shocked out of her system, she knows that she is fiercely independent and stunningly powerful. Reginald Hargreeves spent her entire life telling her that she was lesser than her siblings due to a lack of powers and could never belong, but she’s been stronger than all of them the entire time without knowing.

Even more so, considering that she has been able to grow separately outside the confining identity of being a teenaged superhero, to develop interests and a personality and talent of her own.

Luther has the moon and Diego has vigilantism, Allison has acting and Klaus has drugs, Five has a chip on his shoulder and Ben had tragedy, but none of them fought to be their own. She has her violin and it suddenly means so much more to her than her power ever could.

It’s enough to give her the strength to place her hands on the ground, pushing herself into a sitting position, and surveys the place she’s fallen.

She’s laid out on a gravel road, which explains the pain and blood from her ungraceful landing, and there’s no buildings in sight. There is however, a battered sign that reads ‘Next Stop: 3 Miles’, which gives her the reason to make it out of here.

Next to her, half-forgotten in her pain-ridden stupor, her violin lies beside her. It’s unharmed – a total miracle that it came through with her, aside from the shock of it surviving the apocalypse and her fall – and she clutches it tightly, tears springing unbidden in her eyes.

Vanya forces herself up and stands, wavering on her feet, but stable regardless.

She may be alone but she’s been alone before; and she now has a direction, a next step to head towards.

---

Vanya is the only survivor of an overwhelming apocalypse and she doesn’t quite feel anything anymore.

She’s gone from place to place, picking up and collecting every bit of food and drink she can find- though she doesn’t seem to need much these days. She plays on her violin mindlessly, to appease the voice inside herself, filling the silence. She would think she’s been lucky, with all that survived the disaster, but she senses her power guiding her.

She’s never felt fully human, but now she thinks she’s a god.

The apocalypse is empty and she wonders through it absently, entirely directionless. The moon looks broken in the sky, deeply wounded. She plays sad music for it. It almost sounds like it’s weeping- though it could be the souls of all she’s killed, haunting her.

She dares them to pick a fight. She knows they won’t win.

Slowly, she stops feeling the need to eat. She never grows tired, and she never stops walking. Her skin is as paper white as her tattered suit.

She wonders if this was what Reginald planned for them all along. She wonders if she even cares anymore.

Decades pass and she wanders the Earth like an apparition. Five appears and the fires from her destruction still burn. She hears him, the first new heartbeat in years, and ignores it. She has no plans to meet him or keep him company; she deems it merciful enough to let him disturb her peace. His heart beats and she stops playing the violin to listen.

Even more time passes and the Handler arrives to recruit her brother. Vaguely, she thinks she knew this would happen- something that had been mentioned by an older Five from the past, back when she wanted her sibling’s approval and held onto every scrap of attention she could get. He leaves, and she’s alone once more.

She picks up her violin and starts playing again. No one else ever comes. She never passes on.

She does not care that she’s the last thing left.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/28377156

#tua #the umbrella academy #vanya hargreeves #ao3

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lunalilith19 · 4 years

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Scott Moir: eclipses June 2020

There have been 2 eclipses in June, and both impacted Scott’s chart. As with any transits, without a birth time, we can’t get the full picture or a sense of how strongly these will affect him.

The Lunar Eclipse on June 5 at 15° Sagittarius was conjunct Scott’s Saturn at 14° Sagittarius, which set off not just his Saturn but the aspects connected to it as well ( X X ). Lunar eclipses tend to affect you emotionally, internally, and to bring up unexamined issues. Mars at the time of the eclipse was square to the eclipse, so that energy is locked in as well. The effects of this eclipse can last months, potentially until the solar eclipse on Dec. 14:

Transit Moon conjunct Saturn: sense of loneliness and isolation, pessimism. a feeling that you aren’t receiving support from anyone. The true problem is that you’re either cut off from your emotions, or they’re so unpleasant you don’t want to deal with them. Conflict between what you think of yourself and what you think you should be. Might activate a sense of guilt about some past event. Relationships with women may be difficult (moon represents the feminine). Not a good time to make decisions that affect your emotional life.

Transit Sun opposite Saturn: Circumstances or other people put limiting conditions on your life. Feeling blocked; trouble communicating. Might feel isolated or lonely, and like you want to be free of your burdens and responsibilities. Even normal daily routine seems more demanding and draining than usual. Low energy and low confidence can cause you to take things too personally and make you feel disappointed in yourself. May be frustrating, but learning to define and manage yourself and your goals more effectively with patience is the lesson.

Transit Mars square Saturn: You may be especially impatient with protocol, traditional ways, and rules that seem oppressive. The harder you pursue your goals, the more resistance you face. Circumstances may delay or prevent progress. Frustration and anger need to be safely expressed.

Patience and plodding hard work will get you there - you’ll encounter obstacles if you try to move too fast. Risk taking or trying to force things will only worsen any problems. Not a good time for fighting to conquer new ground. Better to prepare and strengthen your defenses rather than feeling negative or inadequate. There may be unfinished business from the past or details that you overlooked that may come back to haunt you. .

Taking responsibility for your mistakes and being disciplined enough to fix them will help you overcome how you hold yourself back. You are effective dealing with important matters when driven by a reasonable goal.

The Solar Eclipse today on June 21 at 0° Cancer also directly affects Scott’s chart. The eclipse squares his North Node at 2° Aries and South Node at 2° Libra. The North Node is about your life purpose and the direction you need to go to be fulfilled-- his is about self-worth, standing up for himself, knowing who he is. The South Node is about things you need to release out of your life or do in a better, healthy way-- his is about releasing codependency and not hiding in relationships (more here: X X )

Transit Moon square Nodes: Your instincts may be driving you toward a poorly defined vision of the future. You have a feeling that big things need to happen, but may be unclear what path to take or what you’re even aiming for. May feel emotionally pulled in different directions and struggle to know what to choose. Trouble telling the difference between fear and your true inner wisdom when being driven to decide.

A danger of undermining your evolution and growth out of insecurity or insisting that others validate you, rather than taking responsibility for nurturing your own path.

Difficulty in or lessons to resolve problems in relationships with women. You’ll be challenged to express your emotions and sensitive side. Feeling like it’s hard to get the support and cooperation you need, may feel like you have bad timing. lessons around developing backbone rather than feeling negative and defensive.

Transit Sun square Nodes: May feel comfortable with the status quo for the most part, but a feeling that this comfort zone can’t be sustained forever. You may be complacent in a career path, relationship or some aspect of your lifestyle. Yet in spite of this comfort may also know that time is running out and sooner or later you’ll have to give in and make some bigger changes. Developing toward your greater purpose but obstacles in your way. You may resist making changes and just try to make the best of the situation as it is, but this will not be a sustainable compromise.

Difficulty achieving-- even if you are a driven and goal-oriented person, it is best to slow down. If you try to press things from a place of ego, then one way or another, circumstances will prevent what you want.

Receiving recognition or achieving what you want may take longer than normal. Your self-expression may be met with oppositions and blocks. Learn from it instead of blowing up- it’s necessary to make careful choices. Difficulties are happening to help you grow up or evolve. There is a transformation of the ego and of life goals that needs to be achieved.

#vm astrology #scott moir

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holdthosebees · 4 years

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Reasons: A Study

So. I want to talk about anchors, and parallels, and That Line from mag 167.

MARTIN: So, when you say Gertrude wouldn’t have been able to go on without a reason-- JON: Yes, Martin, you are my reason.

First, while we’re all melting down about the adorable queerness of this exchange, I want to nail down exactly what they mean.

On one level, it’s a declaration of romantic devotion. It seems pretty clear also that what Jon is alluding to is that, without Martin, he wouldn’t be going to the panopticon; he wouldn’t be trying to fix the world at all. Instead, he would be “resigning” himself to “ruling [his] domain,” which is a fancy and way of saying ‘going full Beholding, turning full monster, and spending the apocalypse siphoning the suffering out of his victims. In short: having Martin around, having someone prompting him keep moving in a semi-linear fashion towards a concrete goal, and having a relationship he cares about protecting is what’s keeping him human. Or, as close to human as he can get, anyway. This is... complicated. There are people who are reading it as super romantic, and I get that! I don’t in any way want to say that they’re wrong, and this post isn’t about how Jon and Martin’s relationship is secretly Bad and Doomed or whatever. But TMA has consistently shown itself to be a show willing to dive into the messy bits of relationships between traumatized people, and ‘this one person is the only thing keeping me from spiraling into monster hood’ is definitely messy.

There are a few parallels that immediately spring to mind, and I’d like to go through them one by one. First: the obvious parallel, and the one that most people are drawing, is to Martin’s line in 158:

[MARTIN]: And then Jon came back, and suddenly I had a reason...

This is a line I see quoted out of context a lot, in the ‘tumblr likes to take bits of text and mash them together to make moodboards’ way. Often, in more Jon/Martin-y contexts, the sentiment behind it is filled in based on the line that came before it: “Maybe I just thought joining up with you would be a good way to get killed.” The implication drawn, then, is that Martin is saying that Jon coming back gave him a reason to live. That is, however, not actually what he’s saying! This quote is actually rarely quoted in its entirety; what Martin actually says, specifically, is

[MARTIN]: And then Jon came back, and suddenly I had a reason to keep your attention on me. Make you feel in control so you didn’t take it out on him. And if that meant drifting further away, so what? I’d already grieved for him. And if it meant now saving him, it was worth it.

By drifting further away, he doesn’t just mean from Jon--he’s talking about his choice to keep working with Peter, to keep pushing himself into the Lonely. Jon coming back, in context, didn’t so much give him a reason to live as it did give him a reason to sacrifice himself. He was still aware that he was losing himself, and might wind up dying; Jon being around just made that feel meaningful.

This, I feel it should be noted, is exactly what Elias was counting on. Martin made the choice to continue on his own, to try to jump on the grenade without telling anyone that it was there, and this turned out to be a huge mistake. It was one heavily influenced by grief, by trauma, and by the impact the Lonely had already had on his mind.

It was also the exact opposite of what Jon’s saying now--except for the ways in which it isn’t. They both cite one another as their reason for working towards a goal that they know might be impossible, because the act of protecting each other gives meaning to a potentially meaningless existence. For Martin, though, that meant courting avatar-dom, while Jon is trying to push it away. For Martin, this singleminded devotion turned out to be unhealthy; his prioritization of what he thought Jon needed from him over his own wellbeing wound up causing both him and Jon a lot of grief. And as for Jon...

Well. We don’t know yet. Jon and Martin are alone together in a horrific apocalypse landscape, so singleminded devotion is kind of par for the course. Martin is literally the only good thing Jon has left in the world, so I’m not going to say that he’s wrong for using Martin as a grounding point. And we know, from previous seasons, that focusing on building positive, trusting relationships is one of the things most effective in maintaining humanity!

At the same time, though, there’s another parallel I’d like to talk about--and that’s the parallel between Jon and Martin’s relationship and Daisy and Basira’s. The first thing that “you are my reason” pinged for me, right off the bat, was the memory of Elias calling Basira Daisy’s last tether to humanity in season 3. Their relationship for the latter half of season 3 mirrored Jon and Martin’s season 5 relationship in a number of ways; mainly, the more monstrous partner (Daisy, Jon) who’s thrust into the thick of things (fighting monsters, trying to manage the Beholding) to protect the human partner (Basira, Martin), who meanwhile is anchoring said monstrous partner to their humanity while basically hanging out and making big picture plans anti-Elias plans.

It’s not a perfect parallel, obviously, but the dynamics are there. They’re both avatar-human relationship based around that idea of a single anchor point--and, whoo boy, did Daisy and Basira problematize that dynamic. Daisy killed people, and Basira turned the other way. The fact that Daisy was so reliant on Basira to act as her moral compass means that, in the cases where Basira didn’t interfere, her own moral compass degraded. Her reliance on Basira to anchor her meant she wasn’t anchoring herself, and, combined with Basira’s enabling, that lead her down an extremely slippery police-brutality lined slope.

Why is this relevant to Jon and Martin? Because the justification Martin gave when trying to convince Jon not to feel guilt after Not!Sasha--that it’s fine to kill monsters, as long as you aren’t going after innocents--is extremely reminiscent to how Basira and Daisy justified Daisy’s actions for a long time.

In Mag91, when preventing Daisy from murdering Jon, Basira tells Daisy that she’s always known what Daisy’s been doing, but she was alright with it, because she thought Daisy just killed monsters. Like Martin turning Jon’s tape over to the archives crew, she steps in once she realizes that someone she thinks of as a person is also in danger. Later, when confronting Jon, she seems to draw a firm line between Daisy’s actions, which were compelled and so required no guilt, with Jon’s actions in going after innocents. Compare this line from Martin, in Mag166:

[MARTIN]: This isn’t like it was before! We’re not talking about innocent bystanders in cafes here, Jon; these things are - th-they’re just evil, plain and simple, and right now they’re torturing and tormenting everyone! If you want to stop them and have the power to, then - then, then yeah, let’s do it, let’s go full Kill Bill!

Once again, we’ve got a clear black and white moral boundary: if you want to kill monsters, that’s fine, because the things you’re killing aren’t human. There’s the differentiation between compelled attacks on innocents, and the choice to go after things that are evil. Both Martin and Basira brushed aside their partner’s guilt, on the basis of compulsion; both Martin and Basira encouraged them to use their powers to go after monsters, which they considered morally justified. The circumstances are different--Basira didn’t want Daisy to die, while Martin wants Jon to stop blaming himself for the end of the world--but the choices they’re making are in some ways very similar.

We know where that goes for Daisy and Basira. Basira, while initially Daisy’s reason for staying human, also becomes her reason to return to the Hunt. She, like season 4 Martin, makes the choice to give up on her humanity to save the person she’s anchored to; unlike Martin, nothing stops her before she goes through with it. We’ll have to wait until the Hunt episode of this season to see how it ends, but it’s definitely not going to be happy.

All of which is to say--it was a sweet moment that shows some great development in their relationship, but if Martin is Jon’s one reason for staying grounded, we have historical reason to believe that this isn’t necessarily a good thing. It is, at the very least, a complicated thing, and something that probably won’t escape the same exploration of codependency, us-vs-them mentality, self destructive behavior, and interpersonal responsibility that has shown up in almost every relationship in the podcast. This time, though, the stakes are even higher--if Jon loses himself, he doesn’t just kill a few people, he becomes what the Beholding intends for him to be.

(This also isn’t even getting into the weeds of codependency in regards to Martin’s caretaker trauma, and what it means to be relied upon as the sole person keeping another human being grounded and together, or how that ties into the ways in which trust in their communication seems to be slowly eroding over time and under--but that’s another post entirely.)

#long post #tma spoilers #the magnus archives #tma #mine #cynical #character study #season 5 #mag167

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seafoamchild · 4 years

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the decade is ending. i guess i’ll use this milestone in time to reflect about the past ten years. i was 15 when the decade started and i will be 25 when it ends. so much growth has happened and i’m honestly so proud of myself. i graduated high school and college, visited 24 countries, started countless new jobs and moved so many times. the emotional growth has been torturous but so amazing in the end.

half of high school happened. i was so ugly, insecure, and shy, and i had no idea how to fit in. i was good at school but i remember feeling perceived as having “no personality” because i was so quiet. i had awful skin and no clue how to dress well, or how to do my hair or fix my eyebrows. i lived mostly within my imagination and i spent so many hours on tumblr and polyvore and 8tracks, collecting pretty images and music and dreaming up escapist fantasies. i was such a dreamy, poetic girl with all these artistic hobbies but i could not for the life of me fit in at school and i thought boys would never, ever like me. i did cross country and track and that was the closest i came to feeling a sense of belonging. during the summers i went on a rafting trip in utah and discovered people actually thought i was funny, and i went to france and discovered i was very good at foreign languages. i guess during the second half of high school i developed my tastes in music and books and art, i got pretty into fitness and running, and by the end of high school i finally found my real friends, even though i went in and out of severe bouts of depression which prevented me from feeling like i belonged in the group.

after high school i had no interest in going to college, but i felt the pressure from my school and my parents. i compromised by taking a semester off to go to bolivia and peru. this was such a highlight of my life. i felt for the first time like i belonged, truly. people liked me, people thought i was funny. nothing could get my spirits down. i absolutely loved roughing it - living out of a backpack, hiking in the mountains, learning spanish, playing cards to pass the time because we didn’t even have cell phones. i can’t even describe how much i loved the three months i spent in south america. i think fondly about this trip all the time.

then came college. i never wanted to go in the first place, and it truly was a horrible experience for me. once again, i did not fit in. i smoked way too much weed and tried all these drugs and thought i was so fucking cool. i wanted to escape reality so bad during this intensely lonely time. i used to get super stoned by myself and just walk around at night, alone, for hours. i felt like i had no friends. i felt like everyone on that campus was so cookie-cutter and basic, and i couldn’t relate to any of them. i dated my first boyfriend, which was such a mistake. because i was so ugly and shy in high school, i had terrible self esteem and i felt immediately attracted to anyone who remotely “wanted” me. that relationship was terrible. i thought i was in love but i felt so used and manipulated by the end of it. i had no idea how to navigate those types of feelings or how to stand up for myself. i was beyond depressed and constantly wished i was dead. my acne was so bad and my room was so messy and i was living such an unhealthy lifestyle. i was snorting adderall and smoking cigarettes. i was doing acid and walking around campus, feeling more detached than ever. i don’t even know how i managed to get decent grades in school.

i dated my second boyfriend, and he treated me a lot better but we were so codependent and awful together. i felt like such trash and like no one would ever like me at that fucking university so i might as well hate everyone else too and spend time with the one person i could connect with. we didn’t care about anyone except each other. neither of us had any friends. we treated everyone else like shit. the summer after sophomore year we went on a roadtrip up the west coast and we did all these drugs together and went to raves all the time and it was so fun and carefree. all we did was smoke, eat, do drugs, go to concerts, have sex, and watch TV. then i went to tanzania to study abroad for three months, and i finally realized how damaging it had been to live with him in our own stupid alternate reality, willfully oblivious to everything and everyone else. i realized how much i’d been shutting out my own friends. i realized how much i’d missed out on. i realized that i had never had a boyfriend i was actually in love with and attracted to. i’d just been looking for something to fill the lonely, something to assure me i was pretty and good because i could not love myself. i was so miserable in that hellhole university, but dating people gave me temporary happiness.

i finally broke up with my second boyfriend for good after dragging it out for another six months. i just didn’t know how to end things at all. but i finally did. the last year of college was actually kind of fun. it was so bittersweet. for the first time, i was single and having a good time. i woke up and realized how badly i played myself by wasting so much time being miserable with men, and i was so angry and bitter about this. instead of being alone all the time, i took dance classes and went out to the bar every thursday night and partied and had a lot of fun. i felt like i should have been having fun like that throughout college. but oh well. i didn’t want to die anymore, but i still wasn’t very happy. i remember drinking entire bottles of wine by myself in desperate attempts to feel something.

after graduating college i felt so liberated. i felt pretty that summer. i lost a lot of weight in tanzania and i didn’t have my chipmunk cheeks anymore. i bought a one way ticket to europe, where i had the time of my damn life. i lived like a dirty vagabond, sleeping on random people’s floors and drifting from place to place. i hooked up with a lot of men. i went wherever the wind took me. i felt so alive and invigorated now that i was no longer trapped in the university bubble. i felt like i wanted to just travel forever. i eventually got tired of it, gained weight, felt ugly again, and ran out of money. i fell head over heels in love with sam. i really felt like i had found “the one”. he was cute, he was funny, he was outgoing and my friends and family actually liked him - they hated my other boyfriends.

i thought i had found my confidence but i really hadn’t. i was still really insecure. i had not recovered from my experiences in high school and college. my stint in europe was a refreshing rush of adrenaline, but it did not fix my issues deep down. i was a jealous girlfriend. i did not know how to communicate my feelings. i still did not know how to stand up for myself. i kept everything inside.

there was a brief time - when i went to spain to get my TEFL - when things felt almost perfect between sam and me. we were so happy there. he had lots of friends, i had lots of friends, we ate and drank and partied and went running and just felt so optimistic about our future together. when we moved to vietnam together i ended up feeling so hopeless and sad. things fell apart rather quickly, but i convinced myself to hold on. within the first two months of being there, i had this voice in the back of my mind telling me i should break up with sam, that it wasn’t going to work out. and i was RIGHT - but i didn’t listen to myself, as usual. i let it drag on and on. i thought it would get better. and it didn’t, of course. i felt cheated again. i had not had a good time in vietnam, and i felt so bitter as i wondered, would things have been better had i gone there alone, without sam? would i have made more friends that way? would i have found a niche? there is no point in wasting time wondering what could have been. there is only what was. i only wish i would have been strong enough to just end things with sam instead of hanging on for so long - but was i wrong to hope things would get better for us? i was learning life lessons and i can’t get mad at myself for that.

in retrospect it’s so clear to me i should have never gone to new zealand with him. i should have listened to myself, because i always knew i didn’t want to go there. but i did not listen. i was desperate to feel what i had felt for sam before, during happier times. but i would never feel that way again. i went to new zealand and i was literally suicidal. i didn’t know what i’d done to deserve everything to go so wrong. i was so mad at myself for allowing the whole thing to happen, and for ignoring that fact that sam and i had been miserable together for months and months - we just chose not to accept it. we chose to blame it on being in vietnam, on not having friends, etc. but it was really just us.

as awful as that time was, it’s a part of my story now. it was a transformative time and i laugh about it now - living in a car, breaking up on valentine’s day, sharing a kitchen with 60 people. so ridiculous that’s how we ended up. now it’s the end of the year and i feel so much life inside me. i want to keep living. i laugh so much every day. i have an amazing roommate who feels like a sister, i have so many friends, i have so much fun at my jobs, i finally have a place to call home. i have not slept with a man in 9 months because i haven’t even met anyone i feel attracted to. i finally feel like i know my worth. at least i hope so. i feel confident. i have been through so many lows that the highs feel so good. i am ending this year and this decade on a very good note and i am so glad.

#journal #long post

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babygem · 5 years

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tl;dr 2018 sucked but 2019 will be better

i had an epiphany that i was going to do a better job of being like, nice to myself and i was going to be more connected to the people i love and try to move on and heal from all the garbage that has happened to me and stop wallowing in pain and regret because i deserve to let myself be happy and i owe it to the people who care about me to at least try and care about myself.

this all culminated from me actually speaking to my best friend after a semester of isolating myself and thinking i was going to annoy or bother her by reaching out. and she just reminded me how much good there is in the world and how lucky i am to have people who love me. and i thought that if someone like me could be loved by someone like her (pure sunshine, the most grounded and lovely and caring person i have ever known) then there must be something about me that’s worth loving.

we had a really long talk tonight about how we were both struggling in 2018 to connect and remain emotionally present, which was really shocking for me to hear from her because she’s always so positive and motivated. she doesn’t have any kind of mental illness as far as either of us know so it really affected me to hear that like, the thing i was struggling with wasn’t just a depression thing, even if that did make it worse. it was just a person thing. i had kind of sensed that she was going through it but i didn’t want to reach out because i was afraid i’d unload all my problems on her and make it worse. so i thought it would be better to keep my distance and it really backfired. turns out she was thinking the same thing, which is crazy.

2018 was crazy difficult for me. i went through a lot with regards to my family especially, but also with friends and [redacted]. even though i was spending more time with my friends and family, every interaction i had with another person left me feeling really weird and isolated. i didn’t feel like i was as normal as everybody else and i was really afraid that everybody could tell. i felt really lonely because even though i was going to the public university in my hometown, i don’t know anybody there. all of my friends were either going to a different university in our city or one in another city entirely. very few friends from high school tried to keep in contact with me, and my severe severe anxiety prevented me from reaching out because i was afraid that they wouldn’t want to speak to me. i felt very lonely and weird and in limbo. and a lot of self destructive tendencies surfaced from that. i was actively sabotaging my relationships to my family and to the few friends i had left. i was trying as hard as possible to keep all of my friendships surface level because i didn’t feel comfortable sharing anything of substance.

even knowing that i had friends i could rely on who care about me and who i care about so deeply, i still felt really detached from them. their lives were made up of so many little normalcies that i couldn’t participate in because of the way i grew up. i felt like i was a weird monster staring inside a window at people living their normal lives. i didn’t feel like i would ever catch up to the social lives of people my age.

i think i really just needed to be reminded that there was a person in the world who knew all of this - who saw that i didn’t quite fit in and i was always trying too hard to; who knew about my depression and anxiety and didn’t allow it to inhibit their ability to love me; who has always been patient and has always been there for me; who knows how i grew up and still loves me; who has seen all my worst moments and still loves me - and didn’t judge me for it. it’s wrong to treat your friends like therapists. but there’s nothing wrong with needing a bit of support and receiving it. there’s nothing wrong in needing to be reassured that you’re not imagining this friendship in your head. that someone has known you this long and still loves you.

i feel awful that i wasn’t able to support her in the way she needed because my own anxiety got in the way. i have this constant fear that i care more about other people than they care about me. and i’m always worried that i’ll come off as weird or codependent or clingy if i express attachment. but tonight just talking it felt like breathing again. that’s dramatic and cliche but that’s what it felt like. i think everybody in the world has a person that instantly makes everything better. a person with whom you don’t have to agonize over how you communicate because they get it. they get you. we get each other. and it was just. really really nice to be reminded that she cares about me just as much as i care about her. that i’m not projecting anything into our friendship.

all of this to say: i just am really actively going to try to make 2019 a better year. i wasted a lot of time last year putting myself down. i was going through my 2018 diary and it’s proof of that. it’s page after page of suicidal ideations, insults, reinforcements of anxiety, and general negativity all directed at myself. i was bullying myself last year. i wasn’t taking care of myself the way i should have. i was letting my mental illnesses overrun me. i was forcing myself to obsessively fixate on things from the past that can’t be changed. and even though life was really hard outside of my mental illness, i was giving into negative patterns instead of growing from them. i had to be reminded that i’m not as awful as my brain makes me out to be. i’m a person who tries really really hard to be good. that’s worth something. i deserve to be loved, and to treat myself kindly, and to be as forgiving with myself as i am with others. and i hope i can translate these thoughts into my actions.

#perpetual motion machine

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violetfaust · 6 years

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Hey, what are your top 3 (or 5, if you’re up for it) plots/character dynamics that would’ve made OUAT more interesting but that the writers either didn’t do/tried to do but screwed up royally

Wow, Nonny, I think this might be the best ask I’ve ever gotten (or tied with the one about Regina sending all the random guests at the Captain Swine wedding home with their hearts in favor baggies) and I’ve had some great ones.

And I was going to mull it over as usual and give it the respect it deserves but if I do that it’s going in my drafts and won’t be answered for weeks if ever and will be six thousand words long. So I’m just gonna half-ass it. [Editorial note: it has now been more than a week since I wrote those words and I have been half-assing it in draft all that time. And it STILL got long as hell. This is why no one sends me asks. :-( Sorry, Anon.]

Top 5 characters/character dynamic missed opportunities:

-- First and foremost forever, everything having to do with Neal. Papafire, Fire Believer, Floof Family, Swanfire, Neal/Regina coparenting...every plot since would have been improved, more organic and more interesting by adding Neal. Neal and Emma going back in time and BOTH meeting their parents? Rumple’s Rampage with Neal around--and Neal being the one to banish him? The Dark Two costarring the Dark One’s son? Which wouldn’t have ended with Emma being upstaged in her own story by her Stu boyfriend, but given her the sacrificial moment she deserved.

-- Regina’s love life: With all due respect to OQ, that should have ended the moment Marian was brought back, and Regina’s next and permanent love interest should have been a villain for her to bring back to the light. Hook, if he was kept around after Neverland (the both of them rebounding after Swanfire and Robin/Marian reunited, but growing into something more); Maleficent (written to be a little more bitter/less reformed); Jafar coming off OUATIW (bringing in Aladdin and Jasmine a few seasons earlier, perhaps in place of the Frozen nonsense); even Facilier with the same backstory (which seems to be a fling while she was the Evil Queen, with possibly much stronger feelings on his part that she didn’t return because revenge).

...OR. If the decision was made to ditch the original story of Swanfire, the only organic alternative would have been to go forward with a full-on love story for Swan Queen. (Which to be honest is one of the few things that I think would have prevented the show’s ratings decline and failure.)

-- Ruby should have stayed a main character, and her romance should have been onscreen. I enjoyed the setup for Frankenwolf in S2, but Kitsowitz have been promising a LGBT couple since S3, when all we got was sad, lonely Mulan in love with her straight best friend. (Cutting-edge wlw content, circa 1925.) Ruby and Mulan coulda/shoulda had a long-term, medium-burn romance like Alice and Robin are getting now. Ruby’s friendships with Snow and Belle could also have been respected (and poor Belle wouldn’t have been used to prop her and her family’s abusers). Even after the show had gone down the Stu hole, there was a period when they could have gotten Meghan back (before she became the queen of the Hallmark Channel) and could have gone on from there.

-- The Sheep Boys BroTP should never have been abandoned--especially so that Charming could play sidekick and patsy to a toxic misogynist pirate who never learned from him. Charming and Hook together were basically two frat boys glorifying traditional masculinity (with Hook being the darker, toxic side and again, never changing through learning anything from David). Rumple and Charming were incredibly different, but they had the commonality of putting their wives and families above everything else in the world. Exploring the different worldviews they came even with that common goal could have been fascinating, and expanded both characters.

-- And, of course, probably most of all: Rumbelle, and Belle’s other relationships. Like, I can’t even begin...there are SO many missed opportunities and lost chances with them--beginning even back in S2. What if they’d kept Lacey for more than two episodes and let her play a part in the main story? (I’ll never get over the hilarious visual of Lacey in Neverland.) But overall...just...not piling on stupid, needless, often OOC conflict without any payoff for three or four seasons. Not to say have them always be in perfect accord like Snowing, or a codependent mess like CY, in which Belle kept brushing off any of Rumple’s wrongdoings. But let them work out issues onscreen, let them fight together against outside threats like Hades, let them address their conflicts in ways that made sense in character rather than being excuses to prop a Stu or Sue. (Let’s not even discuss the constant teasing of the BatB TLK and the ultimate utter pathetic anticlimax when it didn’t happen.) While I do think that canon Swan Queen is the only thing that could have definitely saved the ratings in later seasons, IMO a strong Rumbelle story that respected their characters and their story as Beauty and the Beast had a good chance of doing it as well. (Especially if Kitsowitz had had the brains to cash on on the live-action BatB hullablaoo.) But Kitsowitz were too small-minded and spiteful (and ABC too prejudiced and cowardly, I guess) to focus on their best romance.

(Honorary mentions to the Rumple/Regina frenemyship, which I cover below, and to poor Will Scarlet, who should have never been on the show if he wasn’t going to be more than a “soul-destroying” unneeded glitch in Rumbelle.)

Top 5 plot missed opportunities:

[OMG, Violet, you’re not done YET???]

-- The Anti-Magic Organization that Greg/Tamara supposedly worked for would have made a brilliant arc. Kitsowitz should have played that out before heading off to Neverland (it was obviously the plan because they didn’t expect the NL/PP perms situation to resolve so quickly).

-- My best crack theory: Hook found the author in Season 3B and had been using him to manipulate everyone ever since. Explaining Once Upon a Stu--and more important, getting out of it at the end of S4. https://violetfaust.tumblr.com/post/114245381966/what-if-someone-already-got-to-the-author

-- A S5b based on my second-best crack theory: https://violetfaust.tumblr.com/post/143427662086/things-that-absolutely-wont-happen-but-should Rumple and Belle try to get out of Hades’s clutches by working with Regina--who claims to be Rumple’s second-born child via Cora. We could have had so much juicy stuff exploring their past, what Rumple did to Regina, Rumple and Cora (it’s a travesty that they didn’t even have a passing encounter in the UW). It could have led into Emilie’s maternity leave when Hades discovered the truth and kidnapped Belle--which would have led to a 6A in which Rumple rescued Belle from some other dimension but found their child gone. And one of the plot points of 6A would have been Rumple working with the EQ not in some idiotic parody of a romance, but because she called in a favor.

-- BIG BAD FUCKING BLUE FAIRY. Enough said.

-- And then there’s the most destructive missed plot opportunity in the history of the show: Giving Rumple’s and Belle’s POVs in seasons 4 through 6. Given the reveals about the Dark Squad in S5, the most dramatic story this show ever had was Rumple’s battle against the Dark One (and his near-loss) in S4. A S4 that showed his POV of what was happening would have been epic--especially if it did not sideline Belle but allowed her to play a part in trying to save him at the end, culminating in their TLK that freed Rumple but unfortunately also let loose the Dark One, leading to it taking over Emma. Then S5 would have played out as it was advertised: the current Dark One vs. the only surviving former Dark One. Similarly, Belle’s actions in 6A caused nearly all the drama of 6B--and she wasn’t allowed to participate in it at all.

Honorable mention to not including Belle in the Mulan/Ruby/Merida adventure in S5--a one-off that included three of her friends versus her enemy and could have really benefited from having, you know, a MEMBER OF THE MAIN CAST involved in the episode.

#Anonymous #whew #tl;dr #rumbelle #belle french #rumplestiltskin #dark squad #neal cassidy #regina mills #ruby lucas #anti-kitsowitz #op

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paganchristian · 3 years

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A rare snow, from a long time ago, and a cardinal visiting, and our girl cat watching. Cardinals and other birds often come when you have feeders and it is a cold day. And many migratory birds too, come through where we live in spring and fall. This spring we have purple finches nesting on our porch, as they’ve done a few times in the last years. But there was a bird that might have attacked the nest, because my husband said that he saw a black bird with a yellow beak on the porch and the finches were fighting it off. Still the parents remain on their nest, the father feeding the mother, as he does, and so maybe there are some eggs or perhaps they keep doing that even if there aren’t? I don’t know, not an expert on such things by any means. But I love the song of the purple finches, totally love, love, love it! It is so musical and sweet, dreamy and cheerful. It has often cheered me in these spring times over the last few years, including when my cats were ill and dying, a couple of years ago. Funnily, on the day that my husband said that he saw that blackbird harassing the finches, I felt some strange urge to open my window blinds that open onto the porch where the nest is, in my bedroom, where I rarely open the blinds. I was lying there that day on my laptop, and I’d just posted on the same day on this blog earlier, a picture of a baby mockingbird, which then I wrote this post of how it was making cute high-pitched noises and being fed and taught to fly by its mother, and then I went on to write a post about other people and how I don't’ know how to relate to their loudness and hyperactivity, or something or other, ... Kind of suggesting that most people can seem to me kind of like cute, naïve, unaware and sometimes too hyper and loud baby animals to me, it feels like,... And I don’t recall exactly what I wrote, but basically it was like I was feeling introverted and a little bit like I just couldn’t stand normal society, normal social interactions, normal human nature, I don’t fit, and they also pick on me, but I don’t know if I wrote all that, anyway, that is the general idea, give or take some of it maybe. Then the thing happened with the blackbird attacking the nest, as my husband told me later that night.

Anyway, cardinals, .. a typical association for them is that they mate for life. A rather unusual thing for birds to do, so it’s notable. And of course, the males are the more noticed usually, the bright red colors, but I also think that the females are beautiful, and I like their shades of tan, brown and reddish feathers, and greenish kind of goldish, anyway, really pretty I think, and the bright orange beaks. But I was thinking of the idea of monogamy and fidelity and of mating for life, being married for life and all that. I was thinking that marriage has many benefits for me, even when I don’t like it, even when it tests me to my limits. Even when it seems abusive. It’s not considered “correct” to say such things, but I feel like it’s true sometimes. Not that I think it is always true, or will always be true for me, or has always been true, but over the long run, maybe it’s true so far, and maybe I hope it will remain true. Sometimes the very things that are most upsetting and restrictive end up being the things that push me to grow, to search inside myself, or to reach out to spirit and to God. Sometimes the things that I don’t like and that feel they will break me truly make me strong and makes me find sides of myself I didn’t know existed, and those new dimensions of my self help me. When that kind of thing happens due to impersonal situations, then it’s often accepted, perhaps a little begrudgingly by some, who don’t always want to find the silver lining and resent those who see rainbows in storms. I don’t necessarily thing that every storm has a rainbow (literally they don’t, lol but even figuratively, they don’t always either), and I understand that. But if someone has found their own rainbow that far outweighs the storm, or even just slightly outweighs it and is better overall than a clear cloudless day, then that is their right and only they can say that is what is true and how it is for them, and why criticize or resent or argue? It’s just because of jealousy and also the fear of judgment that people get angry over such positive people. Positivity is indeed used to judge and condemn others for not being positive enough, often. I really hate that and I’ve been there. It’s far too unique and subjective to make many of the generalizations that are used by many people, about how and when we should all be positive and upbeat.

But still even among those who are all about positive thinking and finding rainbows in the storms, they often will draw the line and only storms that were impersonal or storms that are about mistakes or suffering that could not be prevented, those are the only storms where silver linings are acceptable. For a situation of choosing to stay somewhere that someone is treating you badly? That is shamed, that is not an acceptable storm to find silver linings and say that the rainbow and the stormy day are better than the clear day. But I think sometimes even then it really is that the rainbow makes the whole day better than the cloudless one. Literally speaking, I like storms, like the rain, the clouds, the fog, the darkness, the lightning and wind, and all those things. I love it. But you know, metaphorically speaking, the pain of life, the wrongness, the confusion, burden, exhaustion, lostness and all that can lead to a wonderful view, insights, gifts, healing, lessons, energy, intuition, perspective, strengths, resilience, being tested, being pushed to the limit to the corner, to find a secret way out that you didn’t know even existed but not only it exists, it is the most amazing way ever. That you would have never found if not for being cornered into what felt it would destroy you or at the least, leave you weak, broken, a shadow of your former glory. Maybe you are a shadow of yourself till you find that hidden way, and you don’t know it’s there and for months or years or even decades wandering you think you’ve been defeated but you were buried like a long-delayed seed to germinate and grow beyond all wonder one day, and become something someone never knew existed because they all passed by the opportunity to be trapped in suffering. And that is shunned, not just in terms of expecting people to find their rainbows outside of being trapped in abuse and such things, but also it’s seen as wrong because we’re expected to leave behind abuse, or codependency, or whatever, regardless of rainbows, and silver linings, .. we’re expected to be strong enough and shamed when we aren’t. Of course, among some, or maybe many, I don’t know, but among at least some people, they are seeing that it’s not so clear-cut after all. It’s not so simple and doable for everyone, or wise or right or healthy to force them from their moldering cocoon which is still the only safe place for them to be at the time, maybe for along time will they can strengthen themselves by breaking out of the shell,... Not being cut out of the shell, like a butterfly who cannot fly unless they free themselves, whose strength is found in being bound up in a shell and then by struggling out of the chrysalis. When the time is ready they’ll be strong enough and only their struggle can reach them to that point of safety and strength. Only their own struggle can safely make them strong.

But I think that I’ve been trapped beyond the reach of any freedom that could be called at all safe,... , even when everyone was urging and shaming and abandoning me because of thinking I could and should do better for myself, but I really couldn’t or should not, even if I might could have made it, I could see that the cost of leaving would be far more harmful or unsafe and stunting, entrapping for me, than the terrible cost of. That is why I stayed in a position where for years and decades I was cornered till I finally found a secret way out. Not that I’m all the way out yet, and though there are treasures in this tunnel I’ve found, the world could cave in still on me, and shut me off from the rest of life. And what will happen, time will tell, faith hopes I will hold on to its hand and maybe it can lead me to where I need to be. staying.

In some ways I think that this marriage leads me to an ideal love, with God, and spirit, because I’ve become so very disillusioned with love and sexuality in this world and with romance and relationships and even friendships too, not only because of my marriage but because of all I’ve seen and I’ve seen so very much of the world. It’s certainly got a lot of good in it but I still feel I don’t fit even among the very best of it, as far as I can see. I don’t fit among the best, nor the worst, nor any middle shade of goodness. I don’t fit because I’m too weird for anyone, no matter how good, bad or average they seem. I just don’t fit because I’m too weird and if that is the case then what better life than to seek spirit, who loves me in spite of my weirdness. The world is full to bursting with lonely people who cannot be themselves, who are silenced and stifled, suffocated and hidden, demolished, nothing left of who they were, because the world cannot handle their real selves. And sometimes they can get by faking an appearance of who they are, or even believing in that false self and happy enough, but for other people, like myself, one cannot fake it well enough, and will fall apart and not make it if they have to live where they cannot freely, safely be their true selves. So what better place to find the love and authenticity and air and space and awareness and freedom to be me? What better place than a marriage in which I get to live outside the norms of society, unwanted, unseen, unneeded, but for a few duties of childcare and housework and wifely duties. haha And if those wifely duties make me feel numb and hurt and horrified and traumatized, because of the fact they have to be done with someone who has abused me so horribly as to destroy my mind and heart, well, he doesn’t do that much anymore, and he even seem s to be deluded into thinking he is deeply loving to me and that I feel the same about him. The demanded I put on an act of adoring him, because I don’t know, maybe it’s his mental illness. So now he’s believed the act. I still feel awful about it unless I use my imagination and not only that but prayer, that God save me from this torment, and God does. And this way I sense my spirit lovers when I must be with my husband. If not for that, I would feel like I was being sexually abused and suffering physical pain and harm as well as emotional, which was what was happening before I learned that God can intervene in my situation. I wasn’t being sexually abused in any physical sense, so I don’t mean to say that nor minimize that, because I know nothing about actual physical sexual abuse and it is probably much worse I guess. But with my husband, there was no physical force used, but he made me feel like he’d divorce or cheat on me if I didn’t give him all he wanted, when I was repulsed and horrified by him altogether, but extremely unable to cope with life on my own, depressed, unable to drive, depressed in most workplace, to the point that I would have probably killed myself, been addicted to substances, ran to whatever miserable relationships I could find, delude myself with delusional spiritual seeking and escapism, but probably destroyed myself in fairly short order, and I knew that,... And if I consented to him cheating, well, all worries of diseases aside (assuming he’d be careful) still there is the risk of him leaving me then of course, and even if he didn’t leave me, likely the mental abuse he put me through would become more abusive and degrading from there, so of course I did not agree to that. and so to me, it felt like abuse (but in the modern age they’d say I’m responsible for myself and he didn’t literally physically force me so it’s not abuse, so, just to clarify what I mean when I say I’d “feel sexually abused”,... The only coercive abuse relating to sex that he ever tried on me was reproductive coercion, on two occasions, through manipulative means, but shocking, unhidden. Natural birth control methods we agreed upon were willingly not used by him. That is how my daughter was conceived, though I was miserably unable and unwilling to have and raise kids, I repeatedly told my husband. But I decided to keep my child because I convinced myself it would be ok, so thank goodness it has been so far. Of course, this religion I’m looking into says no birth control, except for the rhythm method, so they would probably disagree even with what we were doing, not that I was in that religion then nor am I now,... Anyway, that’s another story, another taboo that I don’t feel like discussing now if ever).

But I discovered God’s help this way, when he gave me lovers to cover the pain of having to sleep with my husband, to make it literally, physically feel like there was another one there, instead of my husband (I felt the energy of their astral body intensely), and my husband began to act differently, in very distinctive, too strange and too much for coincidence ways, that related to the particular lover (because there were many of them, each very unique, over time). and I discovered all of this only through my own prayers, my own ideas. I tried to pray and though I thought it was outside religion’s ideas of what might be acceptable, I prayed for this help and it was given to me. But that was when I was a Hindu anyway, more than Christian or anything. And I kept on with this and though the spirit lovers have changed, the way it works remains the same pretty much. And I think that being made to be sexual might be good for me. If I wasn’t married, I don’t know what would happen to my sexual self. I rather think it would go into hibernation, but maybe because it is forced into existence, that is good for me. I now have visions of lover and desires and affection and romance and joy and true adoration, deep compatibility, insights, conversations, with the most perfect spirit loves, astral loves, who give me so much good advice and ideas that I can’t get, that arrive like perfect sane amazing hallucinations. But that doesn’t mean I’m “crazy”, because apparently sane people often do hallucinate, I think... I googled it and found a lot of results, and of course, in history, there are many cultures where the shamans and spiritual people hallucinate and there are religious visions and whatever. They aren’t usually seen as being “crazy”, and when I googled it apparently there are a lot of articles and sites about sane people regularly, frequently hallucinating. And, not just religious, or shamans, or anything, just average people. And some of these articles that are from what look quite reputable sources I think. I only glanced a bit at some of it, because got distracted and busy with other things, then closed the pages, because I just don’t have time but maybe later I’ll look into it more sometime, who knows. All I can see its I appear to be sane to me, and better than that, because my visions heal me and give profound insights that I can find nowhere else, that no one else seems to have. What is crazy about that? Nothing as far as I am concerned. And what is demonic either, since some religions would say, the devil is misleading you. But I can’t see any reason to assume or suspect that it’s harmful, and I do believe that there are demonic influences that can disguise themselves as beings of light and very subtly lead you astray, by giving you so much good but giving you bad in the guise of good, that you would never notice. Yet in spite of all that, I have carefully watched and observed very closely over months and even years and I don’t think that is like that. I think as far as I can tell this is pure.

And yes I know the religion I’m considering would say it’s not pure, it’s adultery, completely intolerable, but I don’t have faith in them being right. I have considered what feels “correct” (possibly, but not necessarily correct, only what they insist is “correct”, because Jesus said so in the Bible or whatever... Though Jesus often spoke in a nonliteral kind of way, hyperbole, etc), and what feels good and loving and what feels happy and what I have found is this experiences of the spirit and astral lovers feels good and loving, but neither totally “happy”, nor “correct” (and nor can it convince me it’s likely necessarily incorrect either), it is something I have to take on faith even if religion tells me I’m wrong, the same as I’d have to take religious beliefs on faith even if other religions tell me I’m wrong, etc. I’m following my heart, sense, rational thought, experience, and my intuition, and I’m observing what works over time and trying different things so I can get a good, balanced view of what is really going on and the long range effects, not just the immediate feelings or short term effects. It seems this is really good, I can really tell this is good, pure, wholesome, helpful, not harmful, not sinful, not unless there is some mystery to the whole thing that i have not yet discovered, and have no reason to believe, and I think that the God I know and believe in, if he is real and not just some kind of hallucination of my mind and strange magical conjuration of my energy or whatever, if he really is real, then, the God I know would not condemn me for trying to save my own heart and soul and life from destruction, by staying close to and holding on to and immersing in the love, healing and wisdom that come from these visions,... He’d not say, “It’s hell for you, because you didn’t reject those demonic visions that looked like pure love and absolute healing and transformational betterment of your soul and character... you deserve hell, my beloved child... Nor would my own attempt to do what is good, loving, wise, sane, smart, logical, intuitive, and all around the best good i can see or sense, the most loving good I can sense, that would not condemn myself to hell, if you buy the view that we put ourselves into hell. I can’t buy that argument. I can’t see how this would lead me to the existence of hell. Keep your faith in Hell and my doomed for Hell status. I don’t have faith in that. Nor fear of it, just feeling mind-boggled over it, like this shows just how distant my mind and heart are from so many other religious people.

Another good thing about marriage for me, so far, however bad it’s been, dangerous, however uncertain, terrifying the future sometimes seems, but in addition to the love of God and spirit that my marriage provides me the space and the impetus to pursue, there is the opportunity that i can be immersed in being a mother. That is a huge thing for me. There is also the immense expanse of free time that I get to read, to study, if I can motivate and focus my scattered mind, my broken faithless, despairing heart to do so, and for many years I did manage to study so many amazing things, even things that I could never have learned in any normal social setting or any workplace nor any college environment, because it was things in books, things in inner exploration, divination and journaling, and things that i learned from observation and interaction online in communities that are not like anything that could exist in the real world. Because the real world doesn’t collect groups of rare people from across the globe and gather them together to converse on the things that no one else would even listen to much less talk in depth about. And I spent to much time online, and doing divination, and journaling and mining the depths of my mind, heart, subconscious, and intuitive, creative self over very slow, exhaustive and difficult inner self work, and reading rare books, that I'd never have done if not for the freedom and time that my marriage gave me.

I know these examples of my own particular marriage and life aren’t something that may be generalized for all marriages. They have to do with many things beyond just being married, and they even have to do with my illnesses, too, because my illnesses and mental illnesses and severe chronic symptoms also helped me learn, and my mental conditions, adhd, autism spectrum, bipolar, sensory processing disorder and even just the fact that I was so weird, and my weird personality, obsessive spiritual interests and compulsions, my extreme intuitive creative way of seeing and experiencing life, and how my weird personality made me so helplessly isolated and cut off from the normal world and life,.. Even my traumatic childhood and lifelong traumatic events,... . And all of these things just pushed me to be cornered in life where eventually, often much delayed, after feeling I was buried for years, I finally was able to grow, like a seed that thought I was defeated, rotting and dead, but instead I finally grew, though buried, ... I was strong, indeed, because I was buried, I was rooted, and safe. But it was not a one time event, like a seed, once planted, then grows, and is well. It was more like I was cornered, repeatedly, and every time that I had to escape, I was cornered in more ways. I was cornered in many ways, with many enemies at once all pursuing me, and just when I thought I’d found a safe way to escape from or manage or defeat a particular enemy, another would be pursuing me and sometimes ones that I thought I’d gotten under control would find ways to invade and take over again. Or one enemy I thought I’d gotten in control and manageable, would change form and get worse again (like my unpredictable husband who did things to totally change the game after years of being one way, becoming much worse without any warning or signs that could have led me to think tit might happen,... all in his head, nothing happening in our external life that would have made me predict it.. and that is why the future for myself and my daughter looks so uncertain and dangerous and hanging by a thread of hope, faith and innovation even if one day I might need to leave him or if he dies, which isn’t that unlikely given all the factors of his health issues, and so on..

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psychicphilosophies · 7 years

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How To Raise Your Vibration

Have you ever had one of those days, when you feel sad, lonely, afraid or even depressed for no apparent reason? If you rhetorically answered yes to that question, you may well be suffering from a low spiritual vibration. Sadly, a lot of people in society today are either spiritually lazy, unconscious or being surrounded by negativity, and this is a shame and it needs to change.

I believe everyone in this world deserves to follow their bliss and live the life of their dreams no matter what age they are whether they’re young or old. Many people are afraid of living a life that is pleasurable to them because they tell themselves that they are unworthy of being happy, to being loved by someone dear to them or even not having the belief that they can manifest their desires, hopes or dreams for the future.

These are false beliefs that are buried deep within our subconscious mind and our inner child, otherwise known as the ego. These beliefs usually stem from our childhood, when we were just making sense of how the world works while by being guided and cared for by our parents who might subconsciously let us down without being aware. This means that they might let a stranger, another family member, acquaintance, spouse, partner or friend be rude or abusive to you as a child and not say anything back to them because of their own fears of confrontation, violence, and expressing their anger inappropriately.

This makes a child feel hurt, unworthy, guilty, ashamed and frightened by the outside world as well as their inner world. Abuse such as neglect, sexual abuse, domestic violence and emotional manipulation are usually the main causes of personality disorders, dysfunctional relationships and marriages and in extreme cases criminal convictions. Take a look at emotional neglect, for example, this type of abuse in childhood could lead to developing codependency behaviours in romantic relationships, which becomes extremely damaging and toxic to both partners. Codependent people are magnets for people who are on the narcissistic spectrum to full blown narcissistic personality disorder. This type of relationship is a classic empath\narcissist toxic and dysfunctional nightmare.

Relationships like these are extremely addictive because the narcissist feels deep down inside that they’re not loved or even felt loved when they were a young child and as an adult, while the codependent partner smothers them with love and appreciation, which in hand makes the narcissist feel special, adored and feel like a king or queen leading to more dysfunctional behaviours within the two partners. Codependency on the other hand, is slightly different. These people crave validation and reassurance from their love interests, friends and family, because of feelings of inadequacy, rejection, fear and a lack of self confidence within themselves.

When a codependent person gets complimented frequently by a potential lover, they start to cling on to them and attach themselves to that particular person, before even getting to know them first causing them to becoming a victim of desperation and then eventually exposing themselves to their biggest fears of rejection and abandonment. The more a person does these behaviours, the more likely the viscous cycle will continue and cause destruction throughout their daily life. This consistently damaging cycle can lead the person into a dark, guilty, fearful and shameful place, which can develop into self-sabotage, self-pity self-mutilation, depression and even thoughts about suicide or attempted suicide.

While anger issues on the other hand, does have similar characteristics to codependency, but not entirely. These types of people seek out validation through vengeance such as someone who has been bullied at school in the past, is now using their anger and frustration as a form of tenacity and determination to become famous or highly successful to prove themselves that they are valued by society. These people male or female can also become passionate activists, politicians and protesters by using their mistreatment by others or in society by trying to bring people together to help make a change for the future so that new generations do not have to suffer like they once did.

The darker sides to anger is that it can and has been done many times throughout human history, is to use violence, weaponry, attempted murder/murder or torture to find justice for their abuse. This leads to criminal convictions and life sentences in prison or the death penalty in some countries around the world. However, this is still rare, but it can happen and possibly has happened many times. Most of the time, criminals are usually psychopaths, sociopaths or have been brought up in toxic environments whether they live in poverty or with a wealthy family. Living at low frequencies like I have explained in this post, do not serve you, the people around you or to the planet. Everyone of us here on Earth, has the right to experience miracles, joy and blessings in our lives.

You deserve to live a life that brings you abundance, prosperity, love and happiness. You are special person that has a beautiful soul and does not deserve to live in pain, suffering and feelings of worthlessness, anger, guilt, regret, narcissism or codependency. Your body is a temple, so show it love, care for it and nurture it everyday. There is only one of you living on this planet, that is how sacred and special you truly are. I will guide you now with these steps into a more fulfilling life.

Step 1: Remove limiting beliefs and let go of past hurts and trauma

You can do this by booking an appointment with a professional therapist who is trained in NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) therapy, which is mainly used for people suffering from extreme phobias, anxiety, panic attacks and post-traumatic stress disorder. NLP can also help people who have self limiting beliefs that prevent them from achieving their goals, living a happy life or having successful relationships. Hypnotherapy is also a great option for this as this also works with the subconscious mind, allowing it to let go of the beliefs that doesn’t serve in a persons life while in a deep trance like state or sleep. Hypnotherapy is very good for treating addictions and other problems as well as opening you up to new possibilities that will benefit your mind, body and spirit . There are many guided hypnosis available on YouTube if you want to learn the art of self-hypnosis or if you cannot afford to pay for continuous hypnosis sessions from a professional hypnotherapist, which can be expensive if its in a private practice.

Step 2: Practice Daily Affirmations

You can meditate each morning with daily affirmations, create a vision board in your bedroom on a wall or on your bathroom mirror. You can also write down your favourite affirmations in a notebook and carry it around with you throughout the day or repeat them silently or aloud to yourself. Doing this exercise daily will greatly improve your feelings about yourself, people around you and for the rest of your life. If you’re interested in learning more about affirmations or they work well for you, I highly recommend you reading books by Louise Hay, who sadly passed away recently. She has published numerous books about self-love, healing a broken heart and relieving symptoms of medical conditions using psychotherapy.

Step 3: Forgive those who have hurt you and yourself

Showing compassion for others and most importantly for yourself is very good for your body, mind and spirit and scientific researchers in psychology have proved it has lots of benefits, such as better heart health, stronger immunity, less inflammation, less likely to develop brain diseases and promote longevity in later life. Holding grudges for several years or even decades can increase your risk of premature death by holding on to excess stress and other negative emotions unnecessarily. This does the polar opposite of what forgiveness does and its not a pretty sight. So letting go of regret, guilt, anger and self-sabotage will help you increase your spiritual vibration. Remember that self-forgiveness and acceptance is a lifetime journey not a destination. Writing a letter to someone (not sending it to them, unless you feel that would be a better and more appropriate thing to do) telling them you’re truly sorry for what you did that upset them and indirectly asking for forgiveness. You can also write a letter to yourself apologising for making yourself feel upset. This exercise is called compassionate letter writing, taught by psychologist Professor Paul Gilbert, which is used when we need to understand ourselves or other people in times of intense emotions such as worry, guilt or anger.

Step 4: Show gratitude for life and its blessings

Being thankful, just like compassion offers us the gift of experiencing optimal health and overall happiness. Showing thanks to the little things in your life and to the world around you is one of the most precious things you can do. There are so many people in the Western world who go about their day to day lives not realising how truly lucky they are until one day something is taken way from them all of a sudden, such as losing their sight, hearing or a limb, for example. When you ask people what does gratitude mean to you and they would mostly say to you that it means saying thanks to someone who gave you a present and a card for your birthday or Christmas. This is superficial gratitude and it doesn’t last as long and only gives you temporary happiness and excitement from getting a gift. True gratitude is completely different, this is giving thanks to more meaningful things like being able to see beautiful things that the world has to offer, hearing music that moves you and having the ability to breathe in oxygen without any effort is a gift that nobody is grateful for. Being fully in the present moment and feeling grateful for being alive is the greatest gift of all.

Step 5: Surround yourself with people who give you love, joy and acceptance

Have you ever noticed that when you have been around a group of people who just drain your energy and overall well-being? I can definitely answer ‘yes’ to that question as I have crossed paths with people who are considered as ‘toxic’ and I am sure you have too. Although these people might sound bitter, pessimistic and toxic on the surface, they might actually be the most lovable without you even knowing it. It’s not the person who is toxic, but how they have psychologically processed their difficulties throughout their life and how it changed them into a completely different personality. People like this need more love in their lives, to help them show their pure heart and soul they have buried inside themselves for several years. However, there is a caveat and a catch-22 to this situation, as trying to help these people can be very difficult, confusing and downright hurtful at times, even though you had the best intentions for them.

So finding new people to connect with is a great idea, as it will open you up to new opportunities, friendships and potential relationships that could last for a lifetime. This also means that you shouldn’t avoid or not be friends with someone who might come across as negative towards you, as it will only make them be even more difficult to deal with for the next person. Just be understanding towards them with non-judgement. No one is perfect, at the end of the day and everyone has their insecurities and imperfections. Finding someone who accepts you and sees the beauty in your imperfections is a person you should never let go as they will be your best spiritual teacher you’ll ever know.

Step 6: Eat a nutritious diet and exercise regularly

Eating a nutritious diet and exercising regularly is an absolute necessity if you want to live a more fulfilling life for yourself. Eating overly refined foods, sugary drinks and fast food just deplete our energy making us feel lazy, lethargic and miserable. Feeling like this constantly, encourages us to par take in emotional eating, which in turn becomes addictive behaviour and as a result we pile on the pounds uncontrollably and the cycle begins again. Whereas eating a diet rich in antioxidant foods that are found in nature that have all the nutrients we could possibly need, hence why we feel happier eating healthier foods. Exercising is just as important as being sedentary can also have an impact on your mood as it is scientifically proven to release endorphins ‘the happy hormone’ in the brain. So start eating your fruits and vegetables and get moving!

Step 7: Participate in ancient spiritual practices daily

This could be anything from yoga to tai chi whichever you prefer or enjoy doing in your leisure time. Other examples of spiritual practices include tantra, meditation, shamanism, prayer or any kind of religious practices. These spiritual practices are easily accessible and you can practice anywhere except types of tantra as some of it is based on sacred sexuality, which should only be done in privately at home. These practices raise your kundalini, chi or pranic energy, which basically means raising your vibration and awareness.

Step 8: Get a good night’s sleep

Just like nutrition and getting regular exercise is so important when you want to raise your frequency, getting a good night’s rest is just as important. How many times have you had a bad night’s sleep the night before and woke up angry and upset someone because of a lack of sleep? I have and I’m sure you have too. Lack of sleep can put you at risk of getting potentially life threatening illnesses in later life, as well as weakening you immune system and increasing inflammation. To be the healthiest you can possibly be, try to aim between getting 7-10 hours of sleep per night. If you can make this a habit, you’ll see a vast difference in your mental, physical and spiritual health!

Right that’s it for now, I hope you enjoyed this post, and I look forward to talking and sharing with you again on this journey.

Much love,

Psychic Philosophies

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fairygothmothercat · 7 years

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Cancer and depression and my life

I have not been speaking openly about it on social media. Though I might as well here since very few people actually follow me anyways. Tumbler has turned into my vent and rant place basically because no one ever responds or says anything about my Tumbler posts lol. Facebook is a whole different creature. We all know someone who has or is battling cancer. It effects many people. My grandfather battles Leukemia right now. My mom had it, my grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts and uncles and some friends I have known or their family. So it was a matter of time when it would strike closer and well as my mom before me and her mother and grandmother I am susceptible to many of the cancers that our female family members have survived or succumbed to. Breast, cervical/uterine, colon cancer are all things that have been a fight. My grandmother on my moms side is a 2 time survivor of colon cancer. My other grandmother from my dads side passed away in 2009 after her battle with lung cancer. She had technically beat it or it was in remission but the chemo had wiped her immune system out and a infection took her from us. Its still one of the most painful losses in my life as I was very close to her and as someone with very few I trust or love and could talk to it left quite the hole in my life. My first fight is now with Cervical and uterine cancer. It has been found in its early stage and as far as the Drs see its pretty localized and operable. It could be more spread like my mothers but hers still was operable by hysterectomy which is removal of the uterus and cervix. In my case they are not opting to remove the entire organ unless they see anything that prompts them to or complications arise. I will be having most the cervix removed and part of the lower part or neck of the uterus. Honestly I rather have a hysterectomy. I can not have kids or want so theres no point in saving it but the Dr believes this should be sufficient for now. I will require regular examinations and biopsies to make sure it never returns or spreads. So the prognosis for now seems good and the piece of me being removed is not crucial for my survival so I do not have too many heavy worries. I just do not look forward to the pain, discomfort especially in the region being operated on. Of course I looked it up and watched it on youtube so I now know how brutal the procedure looks. I know people say you shouldn't do that but I like to know what to expect even if I am not conscious.I did not need to have a baby for my poor vagina to end up getting wrecked lol. Of al places though its not cool its there. Add to it cutting a month out of my life to recover in summer so no swimming or doing much of anything. I am grateful I moved to Germany so I could afford the healthcare I needed in order to have less worries when it came to these things and my health in general. I worry for my aging parents who stand to lose the healthcare they have thanks to the current government and their quest to make the rich richer at the expense of the poor and vulnerable. Though I do not want to get into politics here. I still just know I am fortunate to now have access to good healthcare and finally have been able to pursue the treatments I need for my chronic illness which has caused me bad sight, bad hearing and weight gain among other things. I was born with these things and until I was 18 I got treated for only one single thing through a special program but that was not enough and after I turned 18 I was left uninsured until I was 27/28 and got medicaid which was still pretty limited. Though now I go through my cancer treatment and I do not say much. I do not look for sympathy or attention. I been accused enough about seeking attention and shit like that. Other people can make a song and dance about stuff but I seem to be expected to deal with it on my own. Which is what I have always pretty much done all my life. I never pushed my burdens on other people in my family or friends. I rarely ask for help. My husband and a few people know of whats going on. I will get my treatment and spend much of my recovery alone which is ok. I am getting used to and starting to embrace my loneliness and isolation. I might be too honest or real for most people to handle anyways. My openness and genuine nature seems to put people off. It has widdled me down to being more reserved these days and more cynical and cautious even more nihilistic and pessimistic. I sometimes think if it were not for my mom, my husband and a few I can count on my hand that actually care I would have been ok to let the cancer take me away. I would not want to hurt anyone. Its not to say I do not have a desire to live. Sure I struggle with bipolar and depression but I do have many reasons and many things to live for. Its just sometimes dealing with the pain both physical and mental that are draining. I can have professional help and swallow pills but it is not the cure all. Recently a prominent outspoken youtuber Stevie Ryan who also suffered and spoke about mental illness just committed suicide. She was my age but she was healthy, beautiful and successful and still she lost the fight. It can be worrisome for me. I am a lonely mostly shut in person whos been rejected for various reasons. Hardly successful either and codependent. Twice divorced, survivor of childhood trauma, abuse, sexual assault. I have social anxiety, low self esteem and some confidence issues. It might seem when I am dressed up and covered in makeup that I am strong and confident but it is just the shell of a lonely, hurting girl who yearns for acceptance, love, health and happiness. Sometimes I find a glimmer of it and it keeps my hope and many other times I am mocked, rejected, stabbed in the back, accused of ridiculous things and excluded. When I have said anything of my struggles I get accused of looking for sympathy, attention and people who say they will be there or you can talk to simply vanish over a few posts talking about the struggle on facebook. Thats a recurrent thing. Its often those who say you can talk to us or come to us and post about these things to help friends and whatnot that usually seem to do the complete opposite. At least in my own experiences. They say go get a therapist. Well even if I had one the underlying issues contributing to my crisis just do not magically go away. I might be able to cope better drugged up but I been through therapy most my life and rehashed the same sad history and story of my life to several professionals. Its a bandaid. Its help yes but sometimes the real help is having people close that pay attention and can hopefully help prevent tragedy by recognizing the symptoms, behaviours and needs of the one suffering. Its likely Stevie even had a good support system in place but the loss of her grandfather while being depressed pushed her over. I been there.The loss of my grandmother led to a downward spiral and attempts to end it. I was hospitalized and then my divorce happened and I left and drifted around alone to escape the place of so much trauma, drama and pain and seek a new life and identity. I spent birthdays and Christmases alone without family or anyone and a crap short lived relationship had me seeking a final end to my suffering. Another mental hospital stint from overdosing and then more people leaving me because understandably they did not want to hurt so distancing themselves from me was their way of coping. I am now in Germany and well here I am. Trying to hold on to optimism and hope. I usually paint much rosier pictures on facebook and social media but the truth is I struggle and suffer and do my best to take each day at a time and be grateful and show it to those who show me kindness. I accept the fact not everyone will like, love or get on with me. Sometimes I wish they went about things better but thats just the way things go. some might call me a snowflake but I am more like a snowball. Alot of stuff packed up and then thrown to burst into pieces and then gathered back up and sometimes theres less and sometimes theres more but I feel like I get thrown around alot and smashed or melted and sometimes dirt, rocks and stuff ends up picked up along the way which makes me ugly and potentially hurt others if hit. I never seek or intend to hurt others. In fact I never done anything serious or bad to others. It usually comes down to simple misunderstandings of my intentions or meaning or some ignorance and simple mistake. I think most would be forgiven of these things but usually in my case one little mistake costs me friendships and I could apologize until blue in the face but its no use. Sorry for the long rant. so much on my mind and typing is easier than writing a diary. My rheumatoid arthritis makes writing these days a bit painful and difficult. I have few outlets to express myself as well. Tumbler might not be the best place but so far its proven to be one of the only few I can ramble on and it seems so far no one bothers, or responds so I can type walls of text and play my own therapist at times. Tomorrow I go in surgery. Was not the surgery I hoped for. I was hoping this time I would be having weight loss surgery but it is further delayed. Just another long rant for another time. Other than that I still kind of try hoping I will be able to continue on and that I can have a few of the simple things in life like some good friends and better health.

#cancer #cervical cancer #uterine cancer #surgery #pcos #chronic illness #bipolar #depression #trigger warning

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