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who am i really? sometimes i'm not really sure. i'm so disconnected from my emotions i can't even tell what they are half the time. i can't explain why i'm feeling the way i am. all i know is that i'm always fatigued, my stomach is in knots, my shoulders hurt, i can't fall asleep, i starve myself, i have UTI symptoms but the tests keep coming back negative. all the doctors do is prescribe me more pills and i don't want to take them.
i've been isolating myself and i'm trying to figure out what that's all about. yes, i'm depressed af. but i think part of it is also trying to distance myself from the party culture that a lot of my friends partake in. and a big part of it is because i'm kind of mentally checked out already as i prepare to make a big transition and move away. i just can't pretend like everything is normal. i'm so ready to move on and i feel like it is hard to be present sometimes.
T is literally the only person i've told that i bought a ticket to costa rica. i don't know why i'm not ready to share that with the rest of my friends. i've lived here for five years and i want to do an irish goodbye. i don't know if that's healthy. but i just hate goodbyes. i think i'm scared of the emotion that comes with it. i just want to move on and not think.
today in therapy i talked about all the layers of coping mechanisms i've built up over the years. the self-loathing, the substance abuse, the disordered eating, the isolating. how deep down i know those parts of me are destructive and i don't have to give into them. but i'm scared to go on without them. i've struggled with disordered eating since i was like, twelve maybe. that's almost eighteen years. i don't know how to let that go. it's almost a scary thought, loving my body. it's almost a scary thought to love myself, period.
i know it can't change overnight. but i need to figure out how i am going to practice letting go of all these destructive coping mechanisms. they've been with me for so long. when i think about them as entities, it's almost like they're embarrassed to be caught, like they know they're being mischievous.
there's anxiety in my body telling me, are you SURE you want to uproot your life and move? remember the other times you did that and it was horrible?
i think back to vietnam, and new zealand, and college. all horrible times in my life. but i moved to all of those places in order to please someone else. college was to please my parents. vietnam and new zealand were to be with sam, who was actually not good for me at all. this time i am doing it for no one but me. i think that's a pretty significant difference. and i feel like i have grown wiser over the years, so that i will be able to navigate this better. i don't know what's coming, but i feel optimistic about this, and yes, scared.
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The Knight of the Flowers (1894)
— by Georges Rochegrosse
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i don't think i've ever slept so much. i keep staying in bed til like 11am even if i went to bed at 11pm the night before. i really feel like there is no reason to get up. i've been restricting my food intake so much recently to the point where i've felt weak and lightheaded. i'm so fucking depressed. and i'm so sick of myself and the way i act in relationships. they cause me so much emotional pain. i feel like i have no control. one day i am head over heels in love and imagining our future and our wedding, and literally the next day i'm thinking to myself "we have to break up ASAP, this will never work, this person has way too many flaws". and then not long after that i'm back to thinking they're "the one". it makes me feel fucking insane.
i thought it was just because i keep dating people who are bad for me, but T is the sweetest, kindest, most emotionally supportive person. he has been there for me in every way and i still have been trying to push him away as a "test" to see if he will get sick of me and leave. it's absolutely insane person behavior. i push him away and then get all upset when he gives me space, and i start freaking out that he's going to actually leave me and never talk to me again. none of my tests have worked by the way, he's still here and says he just wants me to be happy. my brain has no idea what to do with that!!
i have always been the most depressed while i'm dating someone, and whenever i'm dating someone it always feels so intense. like i want to spend every second of every day with that person but i'm terrified they're gonna find a reason to leave me, and then somewhere along the way i decide i can't stand them and then i'm the one that leaves. literally wtf. i really don't think most other people feel emotions this intensely.
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A cape rain frog from Georges Louis Leclerc Buffon's Histoire naturelle, générale et particulière t.30 (1788).
Full text here.
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Basking in the Surreal Summer of ‘01 ¥ - from Egg Magazine
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Apollonia van Ravenstein photographed at Oliver Messel’s house in Barbados wearing Saint Laurent Rive Gauche. British Vogue, July 1973.
Photographer: Norman Parkinson
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Shigenobu
Vegetables available from a grocer are laid out on a green background. Color woodcut Month 5, 1866
Each vegetable is named
Shigenobu-ga; Bears publisher's mark and censor's seal
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Yumna Al-Arashi, Axis of Evil (Yemen, Afghanistan, Iran, Iraq), 2020
in Leica Fotografie International (LFI) magazine:
"This photograph was made for my first European solo show in Berlin, in the gallery Anahita Contemporary. It's a self-portrait alongside Anahita Sadighi, Moshtari Hilal and Susu AbdulMajid. We are respectively from Yemen, Iran, Afghanistan and Iraq. Despite our different roots I noticed that we all share a similar background, having grown up in Western nations that often vilify the places our families are from.
I also noticed the strong profiles of each of our faces. So I decided to create this portrait with the title Axis of Evil – a play on the term so frequently used to describe our home countries when we were growing up. It also embraces the beauty of our distinctive noses, which are often treated as ugly, something to be changed. I wanted to embrace these qualities of ours in this image, creating something powerful, defiant."
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