#I am totally definitely not saving this draft until the next day because even though i say idc about the algorithm

[yesimwriting]

Falling Angels

A/n this literally poureddd from me, might be bad bc recently i’ve hated everything i’ve written (my drafts are full lol)

--

Series Summary: Y/n is a rising star in the most famous circus in Ketterdam because of her ability to see the future. Unfortunately for her, Kaz Brekker knows more of her backstory than he should, and he’s willing to use that to his advantage. The one thing he’s not betting on? That he doesn’t know her entire story

Chapter summary: Y/n gets a visitor before getting tricked into the most dangerous show of her life. 

Pairing: SOC x reader, Kaz Brekker x psychic! sunshine-y! reader

Warning: mentions of sexual harassment, slight cursing, near death experience 

--

Enjoy it, because it doesn’t last. That’s what the older girls whisper, mock casualness attempting to disguise bitter undertones as I walk past them. They say this, sharp nails ready to be covered in blood as red as their lipstick, because the pile of gifts from my ‘admirers’ keep coming. Circus hands keep approaching the long vanity in the dressing room tent, tapping me on the shoulder politely to shove cards and bouquets of flowers in my lap. They don’t understand that the praise isn’t because the patrons of our performances find me more beautiful--they’re desperate for my favor. They’re desperate to know their future.

Looking at myself in the mirror, the pageantry of it all has not yet grown old to me. My hair is still in the process of being styled, my stage makeup is half done, and I am not yet coated in that golden shimmer Senia always dusts across my cheeks and shoulders. But I am more enhanced than I normally am, eyes made bright by thick coats of mascara, cupid's bow made prominent by ruby lipstick. The lip look is more daring than I’ve been before, but there can’t be much harm in change. Not when half the women here keep looking at me like I’m the saint of virginity. 

It’s not my fault that the Ringmaster thought an angelic aesthetic would work best for the fortune teller who walks around before the show, reading palms so that people can have their pockets picked. It’s not my fault people want an angel to take the stage and call people down from the audience to get a detailed reading around the crowded circus tent. I don’t pick the costumes, and while I acknowledge that mine shows the least amount of skin, the Ringmaster found a way to dress me as suggestively as possible without ruining the illusion of innocence. 

At least the flowing tulle wings that are stitched into the back of my costume are beautiful. It’s easier when I enjoy the good. 

“Y/n!” The familiar call of Senia. I turn my head, beaming. “You’re a vision, and all of those jealous girls--you can tell them to take their wrinkling faces and--” 

“Seria.” For someone so much like a mother, she often needs to be reminded that not everything needs an aggressive rebuttal. “Think about it from their perspectives--their entire existence is dependent on how sellable they are, how attractive they are to men who only want to use them. If that makes them mad at me because they feel like my youth and novelty is taking from them, then that’s okay.” She raises a fine eyebrow. “I can take a few mean words.” 

Seria purses her lips. “Okay, but I’m just as old and tired and you don’t see me trying to poison you.” 

I roll my eyes. 

“Look, it's our very own saint.” I roll my eyes, Via’s shrill voice piercing through me like an annoying papercut. “And in such a scandalous lip color--has the Ringmaster finally taken you to the ivory tent?” 

Ivory tent. It’s been mentioned to me before and always in jest. “Where he takes me is none of your business, if not being the favorite hurts you so badly ju--” 

She laughs, the sound is pure vile. “Being the favorite is the worst thing you could be in a place like this. You’re shiny and new and soon you’ll be as used as the rest of us--Seria’s use is waning, what happened to her today is proof of that. Soon you’ll have no one to protect you.” 

When she looks at me I see more pain than hatred. “I think we’d get along better if I had it in me to hate you.” 

She raises an eyebrow before shaking a cigarette from a small box into her palm. “You’ll get there, princess.” 

The nickname leaves me burning. There’s nothing more consuming than fire. “You better pray to the real Saints I don’t.” 

via laughs, lifting the cigarette to her lips and lighting it with her abilities. She walks away, turning my threat into that of a child’s. 

“She’s right on two accounts.” Seria hums, “The Ringmaster will kill you if you wear that lipstick and Ketterdam turns people like you into people like me. We could save up, pay off your indenture--get you out.” 

Seria doesn’t need to make sacrifices like that. Not for me. Besides, there’s no leaving Ketterdam for me. Not anymore. “Being like you wouldn’t be a bad thing.” I scratch my arm, see through material wrinkling as a result. “And I can’t--I can’t just leave. I’m a psychic, no Grisha can see the future. I need the facelessness of Ketterdam.” Her lips thin in protest. “And don’t think I didn’t hear what she said about you--what happened to your foot, and what’s in the ivory tent? People keep saying it, whispering it like there’s--” 

“That tent is nothing that will ever concern you. I’ve given you my guidance, and the one thing I ask is that you never ask or go to the ivory tent.” 

I swallow once, the intensity in her eyes leaving me raw. “What if he tells me to?” 

“He won’t.” Seria breathes. “He doesn’t like that for you.” 

This isn’t an argument I can have now, not with two minutes until the show starts. “And your foot?” 

She shrugs, holding up a bandaged ankle. “You get older, your ligaments like the tightrope walk less and less. I’ll be fine.” 

“You’re not tightrope walking like that--” 

“Yes, I am. The Ringmaster doesn’t know and he can’t--if I start giving him performance trouble--you don’t know what happens to the girls who can’t pay off their indenture by performing.” 

I swallow once. “You’ll be careful?” 

“Always,” she grins, “Besides--one day you’ll know enough about tightrope walking to help me on days like this.” 

The last time I trained on the mini-tightrope had proven me to be a disappointment. Still, I smile at her softly. I open my mouth to respond, but a quick tap to my shoulder silences me. 

“Miss,” a circus hand I recognize begins.

I smile politely. “Please leave any gifts on my vanity--” 

“It’s not a gift,” he mumbles, voice taut, “You have visitors.” 

Something solid pushes itself into my chest, wedging itself between my lungs. Have they found me? “I-I don’t take visitors. Not before shows, if someone wants a private reading they’re to go to my tent at the front--” 

“We’re not here for readings or any of the other lies you sell.” 

...Surprising. I let my gaze move from the face of the circus hand and towards the individuals behind him. A man, tall and dressed in business attire--hat and all. His face is all sharp angles and his eyes are emotionless. His leather-gloved hands grip the head of an intricate cane. Next to him is another tall man, dressed a little more casually, with dark curls. Lastly, there’s a girl, with oil-black hair pulled into a sleek ponytail. 

“Then what are you here for?” 

Seria, never one to leave me unattended around strange men, takes a step in front of me. “I know who you are, Dirtyhands, and I know there’s no business you could find with her.” 

What? Dirtyhands? Can people in Ketterdam ever just be normal? 

“I wouldn’t speak so certainly.” I don’t like the way his eyes narrow at Seria or the way his grip on the cane tightens. 

Thoughtlessly, I stick a hand between them, forcing Seria back slightly. “I apologize, she’s protective--always assuming the worst in people. Though considering she called you ‘Dirtyhands’, maybe that’s what you want.” 

Ugh. All I do is ramble when I most definitely shouldn’t. “Want what?” 

Eyebrows drawing together, I force myself to hold his gaze. “For people to assume the worst.” 

The response seems to confuse him. That’s okay--I’ll take anything over aggressive. “The only people I want to assume the worst are those I want to be right.” 

Okay. Dramatic was a fair assumption. 

“Seria.” Oh no. I know that voice. I know that voice too well. “They tell me you're injured.”

Seria stiffens, as does every performer when he addresses them. “Not too injured to perform, sir.” 

The Ringmaster sneers. “I can’t risk you falling and embarrassing me. Perhaps tonight you’ll make your money by spending the entire show in the ivory tent.” 

The way she hardens wrenches my gut. I press my hands to avoid reaching out for her. “I can do the tightrope.” The Ringmaster’s gaze shifts towards me. “I can do it--and I can do it well and I’ll give the profit to Seria.”

He tilts his chin, regarding me in a way a woman should never be regarded. He’s a predator and I’m a lamb that’s lost its way. Still, I hold his gaze. I don’t flinch, even when he moves to brush his knuckles along my cheek. His touch is acid. Pure, burning acid. “The wings I placed on your back are decorative.”

“I don’t need them.” Total bullshit. 

“Hm,” he breathes, letting the smell of alcohol fill the space between us, “I’ll allow it.” The Ringmaster drops his hand to his side. “Wipe that lipstick off your face before someone mistakes you for one of these common whores.” 

How I don’t throw up at the sight of him is a miracle in itself. By some small mercy, he turns and walks away before I have to respond. 

“You’re an idiot--you know you’re not ready for the tightrope.” 

“There’s a net,” I try to keep my voice light, dismissive. She remains tense. “Seria, I had to.” 

“No, you could have--” 

“It’s not fair that you’re always a shield for me. When the opportunity to shield you for once comes, I’ll take it.” Turning before she can protest, I try to walk forward. The stranger places his cane where I intend to walk, intentionally warning me that he decides when our conversation is over. Unfortunately, I used up all my patience with the Ringmaster. “130 kruge.” He raises an eyebrow. “That’s the estimated amount I’ll make tonight, unless I’m late and excluded from the show. Either make up the deficit you’ll be costing me or let me go.” 

His eyebrows draw together, shifting his expression from neutrally calloused to something much darker. “Kaz.” This comes from the girl. She takes a step forward. “Look one step ahead.”

“Excuse me?” 

“Everyone thinks you’re not supposed to look down, but looking up is just as impractical.” She pauses, expression strangely mesmerized, “Look one step ahead--not at your feet.” 

My genuine smile shocks me. “Thank you.” 

“I should be thanking you, Sankta y/n.” Her head bows, hands held together as if in prayer. 

Oh. She’s one of the religious that believes me an actual Saint. “I appreciate the sentiment, but if I was a Saint I’d be able to help people.” No matter what I do, no matter how much blood I offer, I can never help people. “And as you’ve seen--I can’t.” 

--

The crowd’s roaring is a different world to me. On the platform, feet away from the other wooden structure acting as solid ground, everything is different. I am now in a world where the only thing to believe in is a taut rope. The net is beneath me. I’ve seen it--I’ve checked it. 

“And for our grand finale!” The Ringmaster calls, voice billowing over an excited crowd. “Our very own angel defies death!” 

An odd way to phrase the tightrope walk. It’s never called ‘defying death’.  I had been surprised when I was told that tonight the tightrope walk would be the grand finale--I assumed it was because it featured me. I’m always the finale now. I try to move my foot off the platform but it’s planted firmly. No. I need to see Seria--I need to see who I’m doing this for. I force my gaze to the ground, panic rising in my chest. 

Instead of Seria, I see Via--her smirk apparent even from here. Spite’s a decent motivator. My foot descends off the platform, touching the tightrope cautiously. And then I move my other foot. All of me is now on this damn rope. I hadn’t been unforgivably horrible during practice, but I hadn’t been graceful either. 

Don’t look down, don’t look up--only look one step ahead. One step ahead--one step at a time. Balance. I take another step. The room is so silent there’s no doubt in my mind the sound of my bones cracking would be heard from the back row. But there’s the net. There’s always the net. I take a second step. And then a third--eyes focused on only one step ahead. 

And then the phantom of flame comes to claim me. Fire. The world around me is burning. Damning the consequences, I let my gaze fall to the world beneath me. The net--the Ringmaster had an Inferni light the net on fire. Via--that explains the look. 

I can’t fall--the guilt would kill Seria. 

Panic twists my stomach as I continue forward. One step ahead. One step ahead--the flames lick upwards, promising pain and grief all over again. One step ahead. One step--that’s all there is to it. The warmth of the fire calls to me. Burning. Burning--and one more step. This isn’t forever. This isn’t permanent--either way this will soon be over. 

There’s no miracle for me. No good grace, no wings that would let me save myself. There is only balance. 

One step ahead. And then another step. And then I see the other wooden platform. Thank the Saints. I grip the ladder of the platform as quickly as possible. The cheers mean nothing to me as I scurry down the ladder. 

I feel a sharp breeze, a Grisha putting out the flames. Anger pools in my chest as I move towards the exit of the tent. 

“Y/n.” No. Not him again. That man--Kaz, Dirtyhands, whoever he is--needs to go away. “Y/n.” I turn sharply, anger pulsing through me. My expression must be feral, because he stalls. “They didn’t tell you that they were going to burn the net.” 

The fact that he can tell--that he can see my panic and how close I came to death twists my anger into something more fragile. “No.” My posture straightens. “I need to go now, I do--I do readings after shows.”

“Y/n.” He repeats, firmer. 

My nails dig into my palms. “I’m going--” 

“I know what you are.” 

Tensing, my breathing stalls. “What?”

#kaz brekker #kaz brekker x reader #kazz brekker imagine #kaz brekker x you #six of crows #six of crows x reader #six of crows x you #soc imagine #six of crows imagine #my works #series #shadow and bone #shadow and bone x reader #shadow and bone imagine #grishaverse #grishaverse x reader #sab netflix #grishaverse imagine

[tadpole-san]

Hi again! I’m the user that recently asked abt Klarion lol. Could I request a Klarion x Reader (one shot or head canon is cool I’m not picky) where they have an established relationship and live together? Klarion, despite being a Lord of Chaos, wouldn’t dare hurt his s/o, but does enjoy pranking them. I was thinking he could do a small prank for this one, like moving one of his s/o’s things inch by inch until it ends up in a different room or something? :)

pairing: klarion x reader, pre-established relationship

a/n: I’m so sorry this took like,,, a longass time anon! I deadass had this drafts sitting as an open tab on my Docs for a longass time between school and everything else because i am, unfortunately, a second semester highschool junior :(

This is my first time doing headcanons on this blog, i hope you like it! I also took this ask as an excuse to rebinge all three seasons of yj for klarion content. ANYWAYS, enjoy this combination of general living with Klarion hcs and what happens when he pranks you

Have you seen the guy’s hair? He both looks and acts like a devil - the mischievous fun kind, not the kind that’ll try to eat your soul (but when you poke fun at him for his “horns” he does throw a bit of a tantrum and threaten to do that. Since he’s the Lord of Chaos and all) and living with him is guaranteed to be like living with the kind of imp trickster you’d read about in a story book

And with his magic? Definitely uses them like he’s an imp - one of his favorite pastimes has been to use them to play little tricks on you. They’re still harmless, and the worst they’ve done is inconvenience you, like whenever you’d have an outfit planned out for whatever you have going on during the day and he uses his magic to change all the colors into something wildly inappropriate for whatever it is you have planned

You don’t ever get really mad at him, but you will roll your eyes and sometimes be a little annoyed depending on how far he goes, and to get back at him you’ll usually hog Teekl and take him to your room while you lock Klarion out (even though he can technically use his magic to get into the room anyways) and pretend to ignore Klarion while he whines about being totally neglected outside

This doesn’t usually last that long because you tend to cave in and let him in with you and Teekl

He’ll then proceed to drape himself all over you - not unlike a cat - and get into some sort of one-sided argument with Teekl about stealing your attention from him. You always end up having to pull Teekl away from him when he lunges at the cat (“Babe, you need Teekl if you wanna stay in this dimension” “He’s pure evil!” “And we can unpack your feeling about this some other day when you’re less inclined to throttle the cat-”)

He talks in his sleep- a lot. His chaos-addled mind already has him saying stuff like “holy carp” and “see ya later, armadillos” and things get even weirder when he’s asleep. The result? You’ve subsequently picked up these sayings for yourself and you mutter them around… a lot. Your coworkers have given you weird looks, but they’ve taken it for the equivalent of Robin’s “holy ____ Batman”, and at this point, it’s better than explaining that no, you’re not from Gotham, and your boyfriend is actually technically the supervillain Lord of Chaos from a different dimension

“I guess I’m from Gotham” is also a pretty good explanation as to why you’d show up to work in a hot pink shirt and neon green pants. At this point, this particular prank of Klarion’s with his magic and your clothes is one of the regular almost-daily ones

The more you had to show up to work looking like - well, a literal clown - a lot of the days, the more irked you got about it; but the more often it happened was the more you saw Klarion actually brighten up and laugh when you had to go to work instead of generally sulk the way he would when you had to leave for hours on end. So that made it pretty worth it to start getting an extra pair of normal clothes ready in your car

Another one of his favorite pranks to play is to mass-duplicate random things in your apartment - like you’ll open your closet, expect to see a neon rainbow from your old clothes greeting you, and instead dozens of clothes racks will just tumble out

The first time it happened, you think your brain literally short-circuited, and Klarion found you staring at the pile at your feet

“Babe - I don’t really know what to do with this - thank you?”

That definitely wasn’t the reaction he was expecting, but he gets smug about it anyways - “you should be grateful that a Lord of Chaos such as myself would do this for you!” - and then he takes it as a sign to do it at random intervals

He’ll do it with literally anything, but he does know to definitely avoid the kitchen after you open the cupboard and a dozen identical bowls nearly fell on your head

Hearing your subsequent shriek and onslaught of swearing is what alerts Klarion to your impending dilemma, and right at the last second he’s able to freeze them in midair and save you from an inevitable concussion (and probably worse)

Lesson learned the hard way: kitchen is off limits, along with anything above eye-level

He won’t admit it, but the incident freaks him out enough that he literally hovers around you for the next few days, in midair, and when you’re at work, Teekl will “magically” show up in your office

The pranks even stop completely for the next few days - he’s definitely spooked, even if he’ll never admit it out loud, and he plays it off as throwing a tantrum that the prank didn’t work the way he wanted it to

But it’s easy for you to see past his somewhat “childish” front. You also know well enough that if you confront him on it it’ll lead to a cycle of denial, more tantrums, and finally, denial

And you love him, and you don’t like seeing him worry in his own way (hell, it’s even affecting the things he says at night) so it’s more than easy for you to cave in after a few days

“Damn, I could really use dozens of the same exact clothes hanger to completely overrun my closet. It’s a real shame I don’t know any magic to do it, huh?”

Is it the easiest trick in the book? Yes. Does it work? Absolutely. And it brings a smile back to his face, even if it’s at the expense of your poor sanity at times - but that’s still part of what comes from living with him, and you honestly wouldn’t trade it for anything else

DC Taglist: 

@cipheress-to-k-pop

#🌙 #✨ #📰.dc #klarion x re #klarion x you #klarion imagines #klarion #young justice klarion #young justice imagines #fluff #here marks my return from my #hiatus??? sort of #klarion remains to be criminally underrated (HAHA! a pun) and i hope ive contributed to what little content there is of him #in a way worth of the lord of chaos #gender neutral reader #reader imagines #headcanons

[drummergirl231-2]

I don’t even know what to title this.

I’ve been trying to come up with a title for I don’t know how long and now I’m legit crying because I can’t even figure out how to start this post... so this will have to do.

I’m not okay. I can’t keep up with all this and everything going on in my life. I feel like I’m strapped into a car on a collision course for a brick wall and I’m just frozen in fear anticipating the impact. 

Everything has kind of been spiraling out of control in my personal life (if you want you can skip to the bolded headings for what’s relevant to this blog).

My parents - whom a lot of you know about from my GoFundMe - are moving from California to Tennessee. I can’t afford to stay in California so I have to go with them (though they insist my going with them is my choice and that I totally have other options... but whatever. At least I’ll be out of California). 

If my job can’t transfer me, I’ll lose it just when I was going to get the most hours (and therefore money) of the year, but my parents refuse to wait until after Christmas to sell.

My grandma recently died and even though my grandpa (step-grandfather) invited us up to the house at one point, his horrible son met us on the porch and rudely refused to let us in, telling us his father wasn’t seeing anyone. Now that his horrible son has left, grandpa invited my uncle and aunt up, but not my parents or me, and my uncle said he’s going to do what he can to bring us what we want of grandma’s. I didn’t get to say goodbye to my grandma because her death was sudden, and now I’m scared I won’t get to say goodbye to the only grandpa I’ve ever known, either, because I’m moving to Tennessee and he’s 89 and has heart problems and I’m scared he’ll die of a broken heart in every sense. I’d have liked to say goodbye to the house, too. My grandma didn’t want a funeral. She was one of those “Don’t fuss over me,” types who fussed over all of us. I have zero closure in this situation.

I have to get ready to move but have no idea how/when/where to start. I’m terrified of the 4 day journey to Tennessee, trapped in an SUV with my parents and five animals, including my poor elderly cat, Kira, whose anxiety makes mine look mild. I have Misophonia and so many food allergies I can’t eat out so I don’t know how I’ll do food for four days. My parents say they won’t bring the camping stove for me to warm up my lunches. It’s like they never raised an autistic child.

Things have been crazy for “Kristen,” me, but losing my grandparents, my home, possibly my job, and moving far from any family or friends I trust aside... things haven’t been easy for “DG,” me, either. 

As badly as I want to start a youtube channel about Autism, Misophonia, food allergies, gut health, emotional abuse, etc., I cannot find the answers no matter how much I google when it comes to the tech problems I’ve faced. And I’m not even sure when I’d be able to record these videos because my parents are almost never gone. And when they are it’s not for long, and I just want to relax, and breathe, and be in the living room, and talk and sing out loud, and do all the things I don’t get to do when they’re here for just a little bit. I stay in my room so much I feel like I’m a diver holding my breath and as soon as they leave I can surface and gasp for air. 

Also, I’m getting more and more self-conscious about my acne and this one tooth I have that’s crooked because my mom has enjoyed commenting on them lately and it makes me kind of scared to share my face with the internet and last night I legit had a dream about trying to get these things fixed with more braces and foundation. Like what even I literally don’t care about this stuff when people don’t comment on it. Why do I have to be so sensitive?

Problem is, I am figuring out why. I’ve been doing so much research on Narcissistic Personality Disorder and narcissistic abuse to try to understand my parents and childhood and young adult years, that not only have I been able to identify it in my abusers, but I’ve found some traits in myself. And I’ve searched and studied and tried to see if I have it and after this inward witch hunt I have to conclude I don’t have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but I have a few signs of vulnerable narcissism. Even if they’re not enough for a label, they’re definitely things I need to work on (things like hypersensitivity, victim mentality, sulking and shut down, self-sabotage, things like that... and now apparently vanity, but only when people frequently give me flack about my face). Trouble is I don’t know how to work on these because I have no mentor, no counselor/therapist, no pastor, nothin’. And most of the videos about Narcissism are about identifying it or surviving it as the victim, not growing past the traits, because full-blown narcissists generally don’t acknowledge their flaws and try to fix them. So I’m at this annoying and fruitless phase of “self-improvement” where I just frequently scold myself for my thoughts.

YouTube ambitions and flaws aside, I have people waiting for the next chapter of my fanfic, and no one’s been pushy or anything, but there’s this huge weight on me to write, write, write, but with everything else going on in my life I just feel stuck. Like my brain is just “NERP.” And I feel guilty, like I’m the biggest disappointment to people.

And then there’s this blog itself. 

It’s begun to feel more like an obligation for me rather than recreation. Every week I dread the time after a new episode airs. I want to make posts at my pace, about what I want to talk about, like what I used to do. 

But sometimes the link I get has a weird video player window that I can’t make the right size to make decent gifs, and sometimes I can’t even take screenshots because when I pause it it’ll have the play triangle in the middle of the screen and the bottom of the screen will get dark, or sometimes the link just stops working. So I wait for the episode to go up on watchcartoononline because that’s where it works best for me but in the meantime I’m missing out on the fandom being online and by the time the episode goes up I’m just like, “What if the post I make of this moment gets like zero notes because it’s already been giffed and talked about a million times and I’m late to the party? What if I’m disappointing everyone?”

I try to not post anything until I can post about the episode properly, and I’ve asked people not to send me asks or messages with episode spoilers until they’ve seen proof on my blog that I’ve seen the episode, but that hasn’t stopped them. I get spoilery asks anyway.

I get a link relatively quickly but mainly I ask for people to wait for proof I’ve seen the episode because I want a chance to get my own thoughts on the episode out first before people ask me about specific things or straight up demand I talk about what they want me to talk about on my blog. 

For a couple weeks I even made all my posts and saved them as drafts first so real quick I could just post ‘em all in a row and get ‘em out, because I know the second I post one thing I’ll have everyone going “OMIGOSH SHE’S ONLINE,” and trying to send me asks and messages and I’ll be trying to juggle them all while trying to make more posts about what I want to talk about. I feel like I have to reply to those messages because if I don’t I’m scared they’ll see me make another post after they’ve sent their message and be like, “What the heck she’s online why won’t she reply to me?” So sometimes I’ll just stop posting and hope and pray they think they just missed me or something, which isn’t fair to them.

But then I’ll see something new on my dash - art from khionyohann, new screencaps for the upcoming episode that DuckTalks shared - and I’ll want to reblog it, but then I’ll think: “I can’t reblog anything... people will know I’m online then. And I still haven’t posted about the episode. I can’t do things out of order. They’ll think, ‘Why isn’t she talking about the new episode? Why isn’t she answering my asks? Why isn’t she replying to me?”

And by the time the episode gets posted on watchcartoononline (and as long as I don’t have a migraine and I’m not paralyzed with fear), I make my posts, but by then I feel like I’m super late and I don’t even know what the point is of me reblogging things anymore, if I even remember there were things I wanted to reblog.

My time here has become nothing but me trying to please people while simultaneously trying to hide from them.

So... blarg. All that to say, I’m closing my ask box for a while. And I’m sorry to disappoint people. I’m just so overwhelmed by everything right now. Extroverted thinking isn’t even a cognitive function that comes naturally to an INFJ! It’s utterly exhausting. 

And while I do still want to do more posts about the latest episode, I hope you’ll understand that things are just crazy for me right now and I’m not in a good place. I’m trying to be okay and I’m trying to be so excited about an episode that I get motivated enough find ways to blog about it no matter what but I don’t have the energy. I want to reblog stuff, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I want to interact. 

And for the few I consider true friends on here, please know I’m not asking you to leave me alone or anything. Just know I might not respond as soon as you message me... which, honestly, you’re probably all used to by now, but I still feel super guilty about it.

I just need to simplify my time on here a little bit because I’m not okay.

#personal post #probably the longest i'm-closing-my-ask-box announcement ever #is ask box one word or two when it's referring to tumblr?

[silver-lily-louise]

i like this question so i'm stealing it from the anon: what are some of YOUR favorite scenes that you've written across all of YOUR fics?

Ooh, let me have a think.... *saves this to drafts* 

*returns* Okay - after going through my fics in chronological order, I’ve narrowed it down to these!

- In ‘A Taste of Apple Pie’, the introduction of Maggie, that whole section of her and Jenny realising they’re both hunters and eventually getting together. 

The other girl smiles. 'Let me help you with that.’ She bends down to collect up the box of stuff Maggie didn’t even realise she’d dropped. Then she realises what box it was, and oh, shit. 'No! No, it’s fine, I - uh-’ But it’s too late, the girl already has the salt canister and sage in her hands, and oh shit, she’s spotted the hex bags too. Maggie’s heart sinks - not even moved in a day, and she’s already gonna be known as the weirdo with the witchcraft crap. Fan-tucking-fastic. And this girl’s really hot, too, she laments.

It’s a moment before she realises that the girl hasn’t backed off, looking freaked, or even asked her what all the stuff is for. Instead, she’s looking at it with something like wonder, and a second later she’s smiling up at Maggie. 'Do you like my necklace?’ …Ok, not what Maggie was expecting, and a very weird question to ask someone you just met. But she glances down - and sees the silver anti-possession charm looped around the girl’s neck.

- This transition in ‘Worth the Trouble’:

The ocean sparkles in front of them, and in all the happiness there’s a resignation, too. Because his answer doesn’t matter any more. Hers is too definite, and if his is different from what she barely dares hope it is, it won’t unwrite or unravel that. It’s been carved into her for years now. All that’s left is the waiting. *** The ocean sparkles in front of them, but he barely notices. He’s looking at her.

- The reunion between Magnus and Alec in ‘Everything I Need’ because I am a) predictable and b) always a slut for emotional h/c 

And then Alexander himself appears in the doorway, alive and honest-to-god smiling when he sees Magnus, and everything else falls away. Magnus doesn’t even remember crossing the room, just finds himself with his arms around Alec, being held just as tightly in return. ‘I’m alright,’ Alec murmurs into his ear. ‘It’s okay.’

- Vampire!Alec’s emergence from the grave in ‘Watch Over Me’ 

‘There you are,’ Magnus says, and his smile widens. ‘You know, last-minute dramatic entrances are supposed to be my thing.’ And he takes a step towards Alec.

EarthysweetDELICIOUS-  ‘No!’ Alec scrambles backwards, and Magnus stops in his tracks, expression tipping back towards heartbreak, and Alec holds his breath because something is wrong, something’s in his head and it wants to hurt Magnus, wants him to hurt the man he loves. ‘Don’t- don’t come any closer,’ he says desperately, covering his mouth and nose. 

- In ‘We Always Seem...’, the scene where Max sees Raymond and calls Rafe in a panic, bless him. 

‘Blue,’ Rafe says kindly, sadly. ‘I don’t know how much you’ve had to drink, but… Dad died, remember? Nearly thirty years ago.’ Max really does roll his eyes then. ‘I know, genius. I’m not the one whose memory and eyesight is going. I mean, I think Dad’s next life is sitting here right in front of me, drinking a margarita, which by the way he just cooled down with magic because I think he’s a fucking warlock this time.’ Max stops to catch his breath and lower his voice again before continuing, ‘Rafe, what the fuck do I do? Do I talk to him? Do I tell him who I am, who he is? Oh my god,’ he says, feeling the blood drain from his face as he panics, ‘do I tell Bapa? I can’t not tell him, but what if this guy is a total jerk and it just-'

- From ‘in floribus veritas’, the 3x20 scene which echoes ‘Parabatai Lost’: 

The portal closes behind Magnus, and Alec clenches his fists so hard he can feel the ring dig softly into his flesh. His engagement ring, which means that they’re going to get married, which means that Magnus has to come back, right? He has to. There’s no other option.

All the strength leaves Alec in a rush, and he falls to his knees, the impact cushioned by a thick carpet of marigolds. Come back, he thinks. Please come back.

- The plane scene in ‘Planes Trains and Portalmobiles’, when Magnus is a little jittery before their flight: 

‘If we get into trouble, I don’t know if I can keep us safe, or -’ ‘Well, that’s what the parachute is for,’ Alec says, cutting off Magnus’ increasingly-agitated tirade. Magnus looks at him, stunned. ‘…Alexander,’ he says carefully, ‘you are aware that planes don’t come with parachutes as standard, right?’ ‘Of course I am,’ Alec says, rolling his eyes, though he keeps his soft, reassuring smile in place. ‘That’s why I brought my own. Why else did you think I needed a carry-on?’ Magnus’ eyes briefly do their best impression of dinner plates. ‘You - Where the hell did you even get a parachute?’ ‘The Gard armory’s pretty well-stocked,’ Alec says, shrugging. 

- Quite a few from ‘Heart of a Star’ (though I’ll just choose one for a snippet here aha) - most notably, Magnus tackling Alec out of the sight of a horse and rider, Alec worrying over kitten!Magnus, Alec running to Magnus after Asmodeus accepts the trade Magnus offers (see snippet), and the scene two nights later when Alec wakes to find Magnus very much in need of a hug (which he then gets) 

‘Go,’ Asmodeus says. But Alexander ignores him – he runs forward, taking Magnus in his arms. ‘Magnus,’ he says helplessly. ‘Magnus, you can’t-‘ ‘It’s done,’ Magnus says, and he pulls back a little, takes Alexander’s face in his hands and gives a heart-shattering smile. ‘It’s all right, darling. Go, get out of here, the south route is safest - get back to your family, all right? I love you.’

- The soft fluffy ending of ‘Courage Will Pull Us Through’ 

Three hours later, they’re home and have all been patched up accordingly. Alec is now sat on Cat’s absurdly comfortable sofa – and it’s lucky that he doesn’t actually want to move, because both Magnus and Elsa have fallen asleep with their heads in his lap. He cradles his large mug of Galarian Brunch tea in his hands, letting the warmth seep into his bones as he gazes out of the window, smiling fondly at the sight of Madzie introducing her Spheal and Castform to the Froslass that occasionally visits Catarina’s garden.

There’s a small chirp, and Alec glances down and hushes Elsa. ‘Don’t wake Magnus, sweetheart,’ he murmurs. ‘Let him sleep, at least until Cat gets back. Okay?’

Thanks for the ask babe! 😘

#asks #^^ <3 #mine #long post #food mention #alcohol tw #spn #shs #malec #pkmn

[kaistarus]

Write Me a Cliche--Valentine’s Day

Pairs: Kirishima x Reader

Words: 1.4K

Summary: You’re trying to write Kirishima a love letter for Valentine’s, but he walks in and tries to be the helpful, oblivious best boy he is and it makes things difficult

Enjoy! :)

 You knew this was the ultimate cliché.

               That a love letter on Valentine’s day was probably the lamest way for you to confess your feelings, but you also knew that if anyone would appreciate a good hallmark cliché it was Kirishima. So, even though you weren’t a big fan of this fake holiday you were going to muster up the courage to give the redhead the romantic moment he deserved. Even with this resolve, it took you all week to actually work up the nerve to start the letter, which was why you were now in the dorm’s den way past curfew surrounded by torn up half-finished drafts.

               You were close to giving up at this point. You’d probably wasted half a forest in the past few hours while making zero progress. Who even knew if you’d get it done before class started?

               “What are you writing?”

               You instinctively threw your upper body atop your collection of failed letters. Kirishima was standing over you, tilting his head confused. He rubbed the sleep out of his still droopy eyes and zoned in on the papers you were covering.

               “Nothing—homework—Why are you awake?”

               “Thirsty.” He let out a big yawn before narrowing his eyes at something at the end of the table. You quickly realized you had forgotten about the envelope you had decorated as procrastination. He picked it up and observed the various sized hearts and poorly drawn cupids.

               “Are you making a love letter?”

               You pulled all the papers on the table towards you frantically. “No.”

               “You totally are,” a mischievous grin spread across his face and he settled into the chair next to you. You felt your stress levels spiking because there’s no way this could be happening. “Who’s it for? Do I know them?”

               “Kind of…” You responded, glancing at a clock on the wall that read one in the morning.

               Valentine’s day.

               “You should let me help!” Kirishima reached for the notebook that was left beside you. “I help Kami with letters all the time.”

               “And how often does that work?”

               “That’s irrelevant,” he waved off. “That’s Kami and you’re you. Whoever you’re writing to will definitely accept this.”

               You bit your lip and tried to ignore the arrhythmic beating of your heart from Kirishima sitting so close to you. You glanced at the clock again and sighed. You supposed you’d just have to find a way to change up your confession. It was Valentine’s day after all and Kirishima needed his hallmark moment.

               “Promise?” You whispered as he took the pencil you held limply in your hand. He shot you one of his infamous blinding smiles and nodded his head.

               “Of course.”

               You fought back the smile forcing its way onto your face and nodded. “Okay, where should I start?”

               “Well, when did you start to like them?” He asked, tongue poking out and pencil at the ready. You regarded him carefully as you thought over your response. Truthfully, you probably had liked the boy since the first day at UA. The way he interacted with everyone, how confidently he walked up to people to introduce himself, and the way he smiled at you when he asked your name. Something about that all sent butterflies through your stomach.

               But the moment that really solidified it for you…

               “It was probably when we were attacked at the USJ…” You smiled softly as Kirishima began writing. “He was really brave when the villains attacked. Didn’t even hesitate to fight.”

               Kirishima glanced upwards. “So, it’s someone in our class?”

               “Maybe.”

               He pouted. “I mean, it would be easier for me if I knew who we were—”

               “Tough world, huh?” You both narrowed your eyes at each other.

               “Okay, now maybe just why you like them?” He looked up at you expectantly and you felt your cheeks start to warm. You were supposed to just tell the guy you like why you like him to his face? As he wrote all the reasons why you like him down on paper?

               You wanted to shrink into the chair beneath you. Maybe tell Kirishima to scratch this entire idea and just go to bed. But you were too committed to the concept now. It would be worse if you quit than if you continued.

               “Well… I’ve never met someone with such a big heart.” You started, picking at your nails nervously. “He’s constantly putting himself in danger to save and protect people. He’s brave and selfless and kind. He’s always working hard to improve and become a better person.” A smile found its way to your face. “He’s the perfect hero. He’s going to be amazing and I’m just happy to know him.”

               You glanced up and Kirishima had paused writing. He was zoned out at the paper and you nudged him back into reality. He jolted and started scribbling quickly.

               “Sorry,” he mumbled. “This guy… sounds great.”

               You bit the inside of your cheek to contain a chuckle. “He is. He’s kind of a dork too, but in a cute way.”

               Kirishima raised a brow at you. “Yeah?”

               You hummed. “He has a terrible fashion sense, but somehow still pulls it off? I think it’s because his smile could actually beat out the sun. He literally lights up every room and brings everyone’s mood up.”

               Kirishima’s writing slowed and his head rose slowly.

               “He also refuses to eat vegetables. Like I’m pretty sure I saw him hiss at a piece of broccoli once when he thought no one was looking.”

               Kirishima narrowed his eyes at you.

               “And this one time we were playing Mario Kart and he hit me with a blue shell even though I—”

               “It was one time and you weren’t even in the first place.”

               “That’s what made it even worse!” You hit the table with a fist. “You hit me in second place. Who does that?”

               “It was an accident.” He furrowed his brow, then froze as realization struck him. “Wait… am I writing my own love letter?”

               Your face lit up and you glanced everywhere but at him. The room grew silent until all you could hear was your own heart beating furiously in your ear.

               “Please tell me I’m writing my own love letter…” He said again, this time sounding more desperate.

               You lifted your hands up for an awkward shrug. “Surprise?”

               His mouth opened and closed several times. He picked up the letter he’d written and read it over carefully. He did so several times before letting out a disbelieving huff. “You think I’m the perfect hero?”

               “That is something I said, yes.”

               Kirishima beamed at you before wrapping his arms tightly around you. Your muscles tightened in surprise before you melted into his embrace, wrapping your arms around his center. It was a little awkward hugging across chairs, but it still made your heart ache and your chest fill to bursting.

               “What the fuck.” He laughed, rubbing his cheek against the top of your head. “I can’t believe you had me write my own confession.”

               “It wasn’t exactly what I planned…” You mumbled into his shoulder. “I wanted to give you a Valentine’s day cliché. All gross and romantic.”

               He pulled away to give you the dopiest smile you’ve ever seen. “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”

               “That’s not possible. I’ve heard what comes out of Kaminari’s mouth in the mornings and I’m positive you’ve heard—”

               “Fine.” He placed his forehead against yours and gave a long sigh, “but I would’ve loved anything you gave me. I didn’t need a cliché.”

               “Well, it’s a little late for that.” You laughed. He hummed, rubbing your noses together before pulling away again and grabbing the letter he’d written and read it over.

               “I’m going to hang this up on my wall.”

               “The letter you wrote for yourself?” You crossed your arms with a raised brow.

               “No. It’s like… a joint effort confession. It’s our love confession.” He wriggled his eyebrows. You buried your face in your hands and he wrapped you in his arms again. “Happy Valentine’s day.”

               You mumbled a response and felt your cheeks burn when he nuzzled the top of your head. This wasn’t how you had planned this day to start out, especially since it was barely two in the morning, but this was already the best Valentine’s day you could imagine. Maybe you could get used to stupid hallmark holidays. As long as Kirishima was here with you…

#kirishima x reader #kirishima eijirou x reader #kirishima eijirou #bnha valentine #bnha au #bnha fic #kirishima eijirou fic #bnha imagines

[unsettledink]

Back in the days of LJ, I used to try and do a post at the end of each year, looking back primarily at fandom and fic. I fell out of the habit when everything moved to tumblr, and then it seemed like I didn’t have anything to say since I wasn’t writing or really participating any. 

But I always liked the idea of it, because I love to be overly reflective on stuff. And talk about my fic. Any excuse! I shuffled around some of the topics I used back then and added a few I’ve seen around that I liked. It got… long, because I TALK, so I split into two sections. 

*

Your main fandom of the year? 

    Marvel (MCU) for sure. Primarily with characters from Spider-Man and Iron Man movies.

Your favorite film watched this year?

    The Old Guard - I saw a couple trailers and everything about it looked like catnip. ‘It’s probably going to be so dumb, but I don’t even care,’ I thought. And then it was so good. It was so much fun and so much smarter than I expected and I loved each and every character and it just made me happy in so many ways.

Your favorite book read this year?

    Red, White, and Royal Blue, Casey McQuiston - I read it twice this year actually. It’s so… cute isn’t the right world. Sweet and hopeful and soft and comforting and intense. I liked every single character which is pretty rare. I cried during the sad parts and then again at the happy ending, like straight up sobbed - both times. I already want to read it again.

Your favorite tv show watched this year?

    Schitt’s Creek - I started it on a whim and because a lot of people had said it was good. The episodes were short so it wasn’t a huge time investment. The first season was a little rough, but there were enough funny moments that I hung on, and then… I kept getting fonder and fonder of these idiots as they grew. And THEN… it kept not disappointing me? 

     You grow to expect certain scripts, twists, jokes, especially in queer story lines. To wait for the bad thing to happen, because it always does. Instead, Schitt’s Creek kept going, ‘hey, here’s the set up for that! Guess what? We’re not doing it. Here’s the happy version instead.’ The relief of having that happen again and again - the last season I’ve watched (I’m sort of saving 6) I cried a bunch but it was always because I was happy. 

Your favorite album or song to listen to this year?

    1896 - I’ve been waiting for the new Steam Powered Giraffe album so eagerly for aaaaaages. Finally getting recordings of Zero’s songs! Lying Awake remains my favorite off the album, with Eat Your Heart and Bad Days on the Horizon high up there as well. I’m loving what Zero brings to the band.

Your best new fandom discovery of the year?

    I don’t know if I really did discover that much? I stuck pretty closely to old fandoms and the ones I picked up in 2019. Maybe Zodiac? It was definitely inspiring, and I want to write and read more in it. 

    Maybe the couple discords I joined? I still really dislike discord and am not on there much, and mostly lurk when I am, but having somewhere vaguely like the comms I remember makes me feel a little less isolated. It’s the potential, that maybe if I said something I might make a friend, or someone might actually want to hear what I say. 

Your biggest fandom disappointment of the year?

    The Watch - I mean, I knew it was going to be a disaster with every word said during pre production. I wasn’t ever going to be happy with it. And then it came out and was even worse and uglier and … disrespectful not just of the source material but of actual people connected to Terry. I’m beyond disappointed that this is what we got, and it’s probably going to be a long time before we get anything else. 

    Devil All the Time was terrible, but I didn’t have especially high hopes. It still didn’t manage to meet them. Yikes.

The most missed of your old fandoms?

    Maybe MASH? Someone I follow started talking about it and I was reminded all over again of the wonderful fics in that fandom. I went looking and a lot are gone (still on my computer, lol, but not online), but rereading was such a trip. A slightly depressing trip, but still. 

The fandom you haven't tried yet, but want to?

    Hmm. I’ve kind of not had the energy to invest in other fandoms at the moment? When The Witcher was having it’s big moment back in January, I had a feeling I might enjoy it enough to fall headfirst into the fandom, so I avoided watching it. Ikr? I don’t have the time or the energy to actively seek anything out. 

Your biggest fan anticipations for the New Year?

    SO EXCITED about Winter’s Orbit. I mean, the third Spider-Man movie for sure, with worry. The second Venom movie, ugh yes. I have tentative hopes for Jungle Cruise? Jumanji was stellar and I always enjoy Dwayne. I have both hope and dread for the new Suicide Squad - I did love Birds of Prey, so if it’s along those lines, yay. The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard because it should be some fun garbage, my favorite kind. I don’t know how I feel about Dune, but, uh, I’m anticipating it. It seems highly unlikely it will actually happen, but The Wheel of Time TV series. 

I want to be excited about Black Widow but it’s hard. It’s not the story I’ve been wanting to see, and I’m angry about Natasha not getting a movie until she’s dead.

You know. If any of it is released for real.

The Good: 

I moved to a better place. I got a better paying, better benefits, better environment job that lets me work from home. The house acquired 3-7 more cats depending on the month. I was able to get some serious problems on my car fixed. I have insurance and was able to start on some health stuff. No one I know got sick or died. I wrote a LOT.

The Bad: 

Aside from the obvious? Depression hitting extra hard during the winter. Having to put two kittens to sleep. Have my car be hit three times in our parking lot. Being driven INSANE by one of the cats for months while the vets were all closed. Kidney stone. Dealing with several health problems. Stalling for months on Gotcha.

The Indifferent: 

Not leaving the house often or easily. Enjoying a new fandom but not doing great at making connections (still real awkward, bud). Raising kittens and saying goodbye. Need new tires. Reading a lot of fic but not a lot of books. Having more pay but more expenses as well (wth insurance??). 

*

2020 fic stats

Number of stories: 39

Number of fandoms: 6? Or 2, if you cluster the others under mcu

Total number of words: 152049

Average word count per story: 4kish

Longest fic: Causality (18k, P/Q)

Shortest fic: Can’t, Won’t (1k, P/Q)

Most comments received: Sieche (49, T/P)

Fandom you wrote the most of: MCU Spider-Man - I only wrote TWO fics that didn’t feature that fandom, wow. And one of those was still MCU.

Fandom you wrote the least of: Zodiac (1!)

Events you participated in: Marvel Trumps Hate, Kinktober, IornspidersGeorg Exchange, Starker Festivals Exchange, MCU Secret Santa, Spiderio Big Bang

*

Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you'd predicted?

    SO MUCH MORE OMG. I mean, even just counting posted stuff! (I probably wrote a solid 300k of Gotcha this year.) I did not expect or plan on doing Kinktober, so that’s a whole 31 fics right there. I also wasn’t planning on doing any exchanges - I have a History - but then I did three? And beyond that, I did not expect for everything to get so LONG.

Topic you wrote that you would never have predicted in January:

    Tony/Quentin. Goddammit @the-me09 They were like hey, they could be interesting! And while I agreed, I had no ideas for them. THEN they had to go and write Just Bodies That Collide and next thing I know, I’ve got ten fics featuring them and two-six series focused on them or Peter/Quentin/Tony. What the fuck. 

Leitmotif of the year:

    Vulnerability, I think. I had a bunch of things typed up and they all circle back to vulnerability in the end; sex, being seen, being wanted, sharing trauma, asking for help, trying something new. Offering a soft spot in the hopes it won’t be hurt. 

Favorite character to write about: 

    Tony Stark, for sure. There are just a bunch of slightly different takes, and a lot of canon to work with (kind of frustrating too though). And I’m a sucker for emotionally damaged snarky traumatized characters that are viewed poorly both in universe and out. 

Favorite kind of fic to write:

    This year? Fluff and smut combined. Maybe that’s not the right term really. I keep looking for and writing, even in the angstiest fics, for those soft moments. Sure, maybe it’s a super smutty kink scene, but I want the affection to be obvious. Maybe everyone is consumed by guilt, but I want it to be based in caring too much. Maybe there’s no real love, just sex and even that’s messed up, but I want to find that tiny bit of fondness. 

    And I want happy endings. Or endings that look like they’re going to be happy, at least, even if there’s all the angst first. I don’t think I’ve killed anyone this year? Who AM I? 

Biggest disappointment:

    Not finishing the rough draft of Gotcha. I was making such good progress in 2019, from August to December. Even after the move, I basically finished part 6 in January. I fumbled around and fussed with 1 a lot, but that had already been given one draft, really, and I got through half of 4 before I slowed to a stop. I’ve barely gotten anything accomplished on it since June. Bits and pieces here and there, but nothing significant, not like I was doing. I can excuse October, due to 80k invested in Kinktober (yikes!), but aside from that… I’m sad. I’ll finish it eventually, but I really thought I could have the first draft done in a year. I’m sitting at about 480k out of what I’m almost certain will be 700k. 

Biggest surprise:

    Kinktober! It was kind of spur of the moment, decided just a week in advance. I’ve tried month long or even like, 20-25 day long challenges and I don’t think I’ve ever completed one. I thought there was a good chance I’d do so again, so I gave myself a little help and made my own list of prompts, things I knew I liked and hadn’t done much of yet. And it worked? I actually completed it, what the hell? Despite spending five days travelling near the end! Despite falling behind in getting ahead and writing a bunch of stories the day they were to be posted! Despite apparently forgetting how to do short form! 

    I, uh, could have done without the spawning of eleven series or sequels or continuations jfc WHY SELF.

Something you learned this year:

    Ideas breed ideas. I swear to god, the second I sit down to think through a current idea, I wake up the next morning with three more. 

    Words need to be restocked. I need to consume new - not rereads, not fic - content every so often to refresh my word bank. It is astonishing how quickly writing goes again after I’ve done so.

    I can write so much more than I thought I could. I can do so much more than I thought I could. Yes, I can complete challenges without dropping out early. Yes, I can do exchanges and not regret it. Yes, I can write more than 100k, more than 200k, more and more - and I can write 10k+ easily too. Though I wouldn’t mind if I could once again write less than 10k without feeling like I’ve cut off in the middle. 

    My time is shrinking, and if I want to write as much, I’m going to have to make the time. I can’t rely on three days off a week, on seven hours of uninterrupted overnight shifts, on hyper focused writing binges that leave everything else around me on fire. 

Most memorable comment: 

    So, so many! I can’t pick one. I’ve been really lucky to get a bunch of really detailed, enthusiastic, analyzing comments across all different fics. One of the types that always sticks with me are the ones like ‘I didn’t think/know I liked this ship/kink/twist, but fuck, apparently I do? You made me, what the hell?’. 

What, if anything, are you going to try to do differently in your writing in the new year?

So with writing Gotcha but not posting until it’s done, my view of what I’ve written vs anyone else’s is extremely skewed. I’m sitting here thinking, hey I’m 400k in and got another 10k done today, so much writing! While anyone looking at my AO3 account (for most of the year) is like, you’re averaging three months between fics :(

    All that to say I want to try and get something posted more frequently while I’m working on Gotcha.

    Also, writing for kinktober was really interesting - pushing myself to write every single day, often for that day’s post, forced me to get back into shorter form fic. Which used to be all I did? But it was surprisingly hard to just stop and not write more. So I’d like to challenge myself to write more fics under 10k at least. Maybe even under 5k though that might be asking a lot lol. I might get there with the many continuations of those fics I’d like to do. Does that count?

Goals:

   I want to hit 365 fics. :) I’m only 32 away!

    Aside from writing - 

    I’ve really enjoyed the reading record sideblog I started this year. I’ve let it lapse a little the past month or so, but I’d like to keep it going strong. 

    I’d like to leave a lot more comments. I want to get better about allowing imperfection - I want to write The Best Comment, but in the end? Probably 90% of fic writers are going to be happier with a comment expressing enjoyment in any way over no comment at all. 

And not just on fics, but on general posts as well. It’s hard not to feel… weird and stupid and invasive and rude leaving any sort of comment on someone’s post if I don’t know them at least a little. I have godawful rejection sensitive dysphoria and a lot of interactions that ended poorly; I’m really not good at people. But as dumb as it feels to say those things, I know I am thrilled and warmed and happier when there’s a reblog with tags or a note or a comment or an ask or just, any small interaction that shows someone out there notices and cares, at least a little. There’s no reason I can’t at least try to offer that to other people. 

    I’d like to make/run a couple challenges of my own, later in the year. I’m still figuring out what I want to do and what I could do. I’m really interested in doing something that’s not focused on creators, but the readers; some sort of comment or rec challenge maybe.

    I want to find a cheerleader for Gotcha. I’m struggling to keep up my motivation to write it when it’s already in my head, where I can ‘read’ it any time. There’s a line between depending too much on external validation and trying to generate all your validation yourself, and I’m getting to a point where I think I need to ask for help (gasp! The hardest thing EVER). 

*

(Part Two: Pick Some Fics)

#end of year #unsettled rambles

[jolienjoyswriting]

Melon’s Birthday

"Melon's Birthday," a very twisted Beastars fan fiction story. Co-written by AI Dungeon (Griffin AI)

The day has finally arrived!  It's Melon's birthday!  And, of course… you, Haru, made a promise to him.  You make lots of promises to lots of people… but the one you made to your half-predator, half-prey friend is one you intend to keep.

Word count: 2,976 – Character count: 16,372 Draft time: UNKNOWN (07 pages) Drafted: November 14th, 2020 –

Spoiler Warning This story contains major spoilers about the Beastars series finale.

Okay, I'll be honest, here – I didn't like how Beastars ended.  I thought the ending felt rushed, clichéd, and smelled horribly either of executive meddling or of Ms. Itagaki throwing her hands up and going “eff it”.  There were also some plot threads left unresolved, or just plain discarded… such as Haru’s promise to Melon.  This fan fiction was written to correct what I felt like was a missed opportunity and is totally not me just exercising a bizarre fetish I didn’t know I had until I started reading Beastars.  No.  Not at all.  (:

Random fact: I played Haru during the writing of this story.  Not that it mattered too much, since I also wrote several lines for Melon. Also of note, this story was Reported into oblivion by some people on AI Dungeon.  I’ve removed it from publication because of this.  Sorry.

Melon, Legosi, Haru, and "Beastars" series and related characters and concepts created by Paru Itagaki and © Akita Shoten

    It was a chilly, Winter day.  Snow fell over the city, but no one seemed to notice.  The Back Alley Market was torn down during the last Turf War, replaced by other businesses, and unity between predator and prey species was at an all-time high and things had truly never been better in the city!  However, despite the uneventful day outside… it was certainly eventful inside a certain prison.

    During the events of the past Turf War, the mysterious killer known only as Melon was arrested and locked in solitary confinement.  He was finally getting the help he needed.  As it just so happened, it was Melon's birthday, on this wintery day, and he'd already had some visitors, such as his "friend" Legosi, who gave him a couple of books and some candy.  He didn't know it, but he was in for a surprise visit from another "friend" of his…

    The criminal was reading one of the books Legosi gave him when he heard them arrive.     "Thanks," he heard a female voice call. When he looked up, he saw a white dwarf rabbit talking to one of the guards outside of his cell.  Then, as the guard let her in… he perked.     "Haru…" he whispered in a mix of surprise and borderline-happiness.  "You came…"     "Professor," she greeted with a soft smile.     Her smile warmed as she watched him stand to meet her.  She walked over, sitting on a padded bench and looking into his cold eyes.     "Happy birthday," she told him as she set a vacuum flask next to herself.  "I made you some coffee."     "Thank you," he replied softly.     She poured some coffee into a plastic cup, then poured some for herself.     "The guard wouldn't let me bring mugs in," she told him with a sigh.  "They're afraid you might try and hurt yourself.  I told them you wouldn't do that… not anymore… but they didn't listen.  I hope this is okay."     "It is," he answered.     He took a sip of coffee.  It tasted strange, like chalk, and it was hot enough to burn his tongue… which is how he liked it.  Even so, it made him cough.     "Blow, silly," she chuckled as she blew cool air onto her own drink.  "So, how are you holding up, here?  Are they treating you alright?"     He nodded silently, downing the whole cup, making himself hiss.  Then, wordlessly, he  handed the empty container back to her as she shook her head.     "Thanks for the drink," he said.  "I don't deserve it, but…"     "You do," she countered.  "You're trying, Melon.  And, that's what counts."     He looked at the rabbit, his eyes devoid of any feeling.     "Doesn't matter," he answered.  "There's no helping me.  I'm diseased.  Plagued.  I shouldn't exist… but I do.  Because my mother was a whore and my father was a pervert."     She sipped her drink as she watched Melon's expression falter.     "Do you know the saddest thing about what you just said?" she asked, once he'd finished her sip.  "You honestly believe every word of that."     She offered him another smile.     "Melon, you're not a monster," she told him.  "You're a… well, a lot of things, but a monster isn't one of them."     "You don't know what I am," he hissed back.     "No, Melon, I really don't," she agreed.  "But, I'm willing to find out."     "Why?" he asked in disbelief.     "Because." Her face warmed a little.  "You're proof that predator and prey can truly love each other."     Her tone was light, her smile warm.  It caused his stomach to twist into a sickening knot.     "So, you've said," he dismissively mumbled.

    "Melon, I know you don't want to hear it, but… you're a miracle.  You're the result of two very different people coming together and making a conscious decision to love one another.  Maybe it wasn't fair.  You didn't ask for this… ask to be born.  But, I'm glad that you were.  Just meeting you… learning about you… gave me new hope for my relationship with Legosi."     Haru bit her lip, stopping herself from saying anything more.  Once she'd stopped talking, she looked down at her drink, stirring it slowly as she began to blush.  Her ears were red, her fur bristling with anxiousness.     "I brought you something for your birthday, Melon," she said as she nodded to the guard.  When he and his partner walked away, she turned back to Melon with an oddly shy sort of smile.  "It's not coffee."     The hybrid animal cocked his head.  Haru hadn't clarified what it was beyond that.  Rather, she'd crossed her arms in front of her chest and stared down at her hands as she fiddled with a ring that adorned her finger.     "Well?" she asked hesitantly.  "Do you… like it?"     He stared in confusion.  "Do I like what?" he said in a short tone.     "Your birthday present!" she cheerfully exclaimed, looking up at him.     When he gave another confused look, she sighed and smiled.     "You forgot my promise, huh?  You're almost bad as Legosi…" she muttered.     She looked down, absentmindedly rubbing at her fingers as she frowned to herself.     "I guess I did," he grumpily muttered.  She could tell that he was lying, though.     "I promised…" she started as she removed her ring and put it into her dress pocket, "that you could eat me for your birthday.  So…"     She stood up and stepped over.     "If you still want to…"     She then beamed up at the confused killer. "I'd like to be your prey!"

    Melon's breath caught in his throat.  His eyes shot open, his irises expanding to the point where they seemed almost hollow.  His jaw dropped as bunny looked upon him with a predatory gaze of her own.     "I already paid off the guards so they won't interrupt.  They won't be back for an hour," she said with a soft chuckle.  "I also had them turn off the cameras for this room.  I'm all yours, Professor… just like I promised."     She put her hands on the rim of her sweater, fingers hooking under it.     "So… if you still want to eat me…"     She lifted the dress from the bottom and pulled it off her body.  Then, as she tossed the garment aside, revealing the naked form that lay underneath, she whispered…     "I'm yours…"

    Melon stared at the young rabbit woman.  He knew she must work out – surely that what kept her body looking so perfect.  Her belly was flat, ribs showing where none should be.  Her body was young and firm; soft skin that was still strong enough to excite a man nearly twice her age.  Her legs were long and slender, just a few extra pounds around her hips.  She was definitely a sight to behold… and for some reason, that made him conscious of his own gaunt body.  His own was nowhere near as developed.  It was just… deadly.     After a moment of staring, Melon stood up, taking Haru into his arms like a plush toy.  He then sat on the bench, placing the girl right in his lap.     "I want to eat you," he breathed.     When Melon licked his lips, Haru blushed a little.  That wasn't the look of an animal looking for food that he was giving her…  No, what she saw was a different kind of "hunger".     "W-wait," she said with a frustrated scowl.  "Melon, that's not what I–"     He covered her mouth with his hand, two of his long fingers wrapping around her neck.  She shivered, but she didn't struggle.     "No, that's fine," Melon softly said, pulling his hand away. He looked at her, gently running his fingers through her short fur.  Then, he leaned down, forcing her into a rough kiss that was surprisingly warm and gentle.  Just as he was starting to get into the swing of things…     "M-Melon!"     She suddenly pushed him away and turned to one side, half-curling into herself.

    "M-Melon…" she whispered, her voice unusually soft.  "When you said you wanted to eat me, I-I thought…"     She sighed, then she looked up, locking eyes with the murderer.     "You're welcome to eat me…" she sternly told him, gently holding the hand that stayed curled around her throat, "but I can't do those other things with you.  Besides…"     She looked up with a soft, sad sort of smile.     "You can do better than a sad little rabbit for that.  Surely!"

    Melon watched helplessly, his expression unchanging, as she suddenly started to shiver.  The girl's body began to shudder as silent sobs wracked her.  Was she suddenly scared he would rape her?  Or, was it something else?  She buried her head in her knees, trying to hide as she was overwhelmed by her emotions.  He didn't like seeing her like that… but what could he do?

    He reached out his hand to her, and she looked at it, sniffling.     "S… sorry," she hiccuped, trying to save face.  "I guess… I guess I wasn't expecting you to suddenly find me attractive.  You really have changed, haven't you?"     She didn't mean that in a bad way, of course.  She was proud of all the progress he'd made since his defeat and his attempt at suicide, so many months ago.  It was just…     "I love Legosi, Melon…  It took me a long time to realize that I love his big, dumb, idiotic self.  But, I'm a girl who keeps her promises."  She paused.  "I made a promise that I'd let you eat me for your birthday, and I still mean it.  I… I want you to eat me.  Because, I want you to be able to feel something.  I want you to be happy…"     She sniffled a little more and rubbed her wet eyes.  Meanwhile… her words made his face scrunch up in disgust and anger.     "What?  What are you talking about?  What?" Melon asked angrily, his hand tightening around her throat.     "I'm saying… I want you to be happy," she gasped as he started to choke her.  "I want you to be happy and to feel.  If eating me can help you do all that… then I'll gladly let you.  You're… you're special to me.  You're interesting.  You're proof that love conquers all."     She softly caressed his hand and looked away, feeling slightly embarrassed.     "I must sound like a holiday greeting card, right now…" she laughed.  "But… it's true."     She looked his way, again, her eyes staring right into his, once more.     "You don't know how amazing you are, Melon.  But, I do.  That's why I want to keep my promise to you.  Please… don't hold back.  Eat me."

    Haru's eyes slipped shut as she sat in the killer's lap, holding her breath.  She didn't resist and she didn't fight back as he tightened his grip on her neck while she caressed his hand.  She was shivering and her heart was pounding… but she wasn't afraid.  She was just… doing what came naturally to a little prey animal, like her.  She couldn't help that her body wanted to run or that her brain wanted her to cry out for help.  She would do neither, though.  All she wanted… was for the beautiful hybrid that was strangling her… to eat her.  And he would, in due time.

    He looked back into her eyes.  She was already struggling to breathe.  Soon, she wouldn't be able to go on.  Yet… she was still able to look right into his.  He could see it in her eyes… he could see that she meant what she said… that it was okay.  She genuinely wanted this.  Maybe even more than he did…  It was like a challenge, even though she didn't know it.  She wanted him to eat her.  Was it a reward for being brave or something?  Maybe, it was more like a dare.

    Melon's expression went back and forth between a mixture of disgust and desire.  He licked his lips as he stared at her neck.  He wanted to snap it… end her misery before it could begin.  But at the same time, he didn't want to hurt her.  No… he just wanted to eat her.  Just like she wanted.  This was what he needed.  It didn't matter that she was pretty.  It didn't matter that she was a prey animal.  It didn't even matter that she was practically challenging him to do it.  What mattered was that she wanted this more than he did.  If she really cherished his freedom that much, then he would do it.  He would eat her… and he would be free.

    "M… Melon?  Wh…" the girl wheezed.     He tightened his grip on her neck, lifting her into the air as she coughed and gagged.  Then, with little emotion to his voice, he whispered…     "I'm sorry…"     Haru closed her eyes, violently trembling.  He was moving his head closer to her… threatening to bite her throat.  In mere seconds… it would be over.  And, no matter what… she was going to fight all of her hard-coded urges and simply… let him do whatever he wanted with her tender, delicious body.  It was her birthday gift, given to someone she admired… someone she wanted to make happy.  She wanted him to do that.  Perhaps she was a bit jealous that he existed… or perhaps she understood him in a way no one else ever could.  She didn't feel scared.  She didn't feel anxious.  She felt… excited.     "I… want this…" she whispered as her words blurred into a hoarse cough.  "M… Melon.  Eat… me…"     "Yes…"

    The two animals felt an unusual form of ecstatic feeling flow through their veins as it happened.  Haru squeaked in a mix of pain and ingrained fear.  She could feel every inch of Melon's cheetah fangs burying themselves into her delicate neck.  Even Melon, who was all but dead on the inside, felt something new… something unfamiliar… something that he thought he would never feel again.  And as he tasted her blood for the first time, it was like a shooting pain, but a good shot straight through his heart.

    He gasped for breath, his grip growing weak on her neck.  The girl had stopped moving, her red life fluids trickling through her pure, white fur and down his clutched hand.  She was still breathing, though… still alive.  He'd intentionally held back just enough… to savor her taste.  A taste that he hadn't expected.  As he cleaned his teeth of her blood, he tasted something more than what was there… something deeply emotional.  It was the sweetest thing he'd ever felt… better than anything he'd ever tasted before.  He wanted more of it.  He wanted it all the time.  And so he did what he set out to do.

    He went back to the well, and he drank.  And drank.  And drank.

    "N-ngh…"     Haru tried to reach up and grasp his wrist.  However, she fell short.  He was feeding like he was a vampire and her little body was losing blood, fast.  It made her feel weak and dizzy… and happy.  Very happy.  He was really taking his time… enjoying things at his own pace…     "H-H... Happy...  B... Birthday, Melon...!" she managed to grunt as her vision started to darken and blur.  She was certainly going to die with a warm smile on her face… knowing that she made her friend so happy.     Melon slowly withdrew his head from off her throat, licking the last traces of blood from his lips.  He held her hand in his and looked into her pale eyes, which stared into his own.  She wasn't focusing, anymore.  She was starting to fade on him.  Good.  His plan was working.  Soon… she would lose consciousness, and he could eat her without hurting her any further.     "Thank… you…  Melon…" she whispered.     "My pleasure," he said with genuine warmth to his voice.     As the girl drifted off, the two of them shared one last smile…

    When the guards returned at the start of the next hour, they were stunned to see that the little, white rabbit girl had, indeed, kept her word.  All that remained was a small pile of clothing, some bones and inedible organs, and a vacuum flask she'd brought with her.     "You actually did it…" one guard said, feeling sick to his stomach.  "You actually ate her…  You sick, twisted bastard."     Melon sat on his bed, rubbing his belly and licking his lips.  He flashed a wicked, awful grin to the guard.     "Happy birthday to me," he practically purred, "happy birthday to me…"

    There was absolutely no remorse to his voice or shame on his face.  In fact, he had never looked happier.  There was, however, a sole regret that rested in his mind…     I'll never get to experience this, ever again…     He shrugged a little.     Such is life.

    In the name of keeping a promise.  Haru had made the ultimate sacrifice, that day.  And, in her last moments of consciousness, she felt absolutely no regrets in her decision.  After all… she'd wanted Legosi to eat her since that business with the old leader of the Shishigumi.  Because it would have made her happy.  She recalled thinking about the events that transpired after that time… how, in a fit of necessity… Legosi had been convinced to eat the foot of their mutual friend, Louis.  In some twisted way, she was even a little jealous that Legosi had done it, regardless of circumstances.  Legosi and Louis would always have that deep, emotional bond… something she felt that she lacked with the big, dumb wolf.

    Before her light had completely faded… she smiled.  She smiled because she was finally able to have that sort of bond with someone she cared for.  She smiled because she was finally able to make someone genuinely happy.  And, she smiled because she finally got to play the role she was born into…

    She was finally able to be the prey that she was meant to be.

#fan fiction #Melon's Birthday #co-written #AI Dungeon #commercial characters #Beastars #Melon (Beastars) #Haru (Beastars) #slice of life #drama #horror

[calif0rnia-lovers]

golden state.

request: Can you do a Tom Holland imagine, where the reader is also famous, and they are having their first date at a basketball game, and they appear on the kiss cam.

a/n: when you find old stories you forgot to post.

words: 1100

“It’s all about the experience, baby girl.” That’s what your dad always says.

So, even though you aren’t much of a basketball fan, you agree to take the ticket when offered to you.

The only basketball games you've ever been to were the ones at your high school.

So you didn’t see the reason for the hype until your friend, Alex, freaked out over the tickets.

"Hold up! These are good seats!" He said, the admiration in his eyes making you wonder if he'd give you up just to take your spot at the game. "More important-who is the cutie taking you? Can I meet him too? See if he has a brother?"

"He does," you’d responded as you watched him regretfully pass back the ticket. “But they might be a little young for you.”

But, in all honesty, you would have allowed Tom to take you anywhere. It had taken him nearly three months to muster up the strength to ask you out alone. He’d spent most of the time assuming you were attracted to Harrison. The two of you clicked instantly, it wasn’t until you’d invited Tom to grab lunch while Harrison had other plans that he finally caught onto the hint.

The one thing you love the most about Tom is that when he loves something, he brings a new definition to the term excited.

“No, no, no, no, ref!” Tom’s gasp became inaudible as the fans broke into a unanimous groan. “What kinda call was that? He barely touched him!”

You find your eyes narrowing as you watch the man, in which Tom is referencing, is helped from the ground. One thing you have learned is that agreeing with any calls in favor of the opposing team is a no-no.

Collapsing into his seat, alongside you, Tom releases a second groan for good measure before shaking his head.

It is not until he's taken the time to sip his drink, that Tom steals a glance in your direction.

When he sees you giggling, he can't help but smile. "What? He should’ve passed it..."

A soft tide of pink brushes the tips of his ears as Tom realizes your attention is focused solely on him.

“I’m sorry,” Tom chuckles. “Is this a good game? I mean, you’re having fun right?”

“Watching you I am,” you laugh.

“I really like basketball,” he admits. "There’s nothing better than seeing the game live, all the fans. And you’ve never been to one-“

"No, I totally understand. It’s cute," you giggle

"Cute?" Rolling his eyes, Tom knows there no point in denying you the grin that's spread across his lips.

When Tom invited you to the game, you spent the entire week debating on what to wear. You’d changed a million times, and when you finally found a winner, he arrived to pick you up, a bag in hand.

“I've got you something,” he was grinning ear to ear.

He’d bought you a Golden State home jersey to match the one he was sporting.

What had you learned in the first half?

Tom, just like everyone else, loved Steph Curry. There was no denying his talent.

"Steph Curry's kinda cute," you tease as Tom's fingers find yours.

"Cute?" Tom runs his hand over his face. "I mean yeah he’s a good looking guy, but babe it’s more than that."

“It’s more than that?”

“Yeah.”

“Explain it to me then.”

Holding your gaze, Tom grins as you let your fingers brush against his hair. He begins rambling off stats from Steph Curry’s college days, by the time he reaches the day he was drafted, you realize its best to interject. 

“Okay, I get what you mean," you giggle as he accepts the hot dog he'd hastily shoved into your hand while reacting to a previous call. "By next time, we’re going to have to go skating or bowling. Something you're not a complete expert at.”

Tom’s brow furrows as he abandons the task of biting into his hot dog. He blinks, every trace of his boyish smile has slackened. "Next time?"

The wide brown eyes focused on you make you clear your throat. 

With a light shrug, you smile “Maybe. Still kinda waiting for you to blow my mind.”

Tom’s gaze remains on you as you redirect your attention to the court. Knowing Tom, his mind is churning as you sip from your cup.

You look up at the jumbotron to find the cause of the cheers echoing throughout the arena. 

You watch as the camera zooms in, focusing on Tom’s face. The red heart surrounding him causes the cheers to continue.

For a moment you can see a stroke of hesitation in his eyes. The headlines that would spark, the speculation. It was something you’d both sort of danced around. Although it was never truly mentioned, privacy was an unspoken rule in your budding relationship

Leaning over, you place a soft kiss against his lips.

It doesn’t last long, the cheers from those around you adding to the escalation of Tom’s heart.

Letting his attention move to the screen above, Tom smiles as the camera pans across the crowd in search of new victims.

Realizing everyone attention had moved on, you hide your growing smile behind the rim of your cup.

It’s the softness of Tom’s touch against your neck that tugs at your attention. He hasn’t moved away. His eyes are on your lips, the smile on his lips growing as he speaks.

"Sorry," he chuckles.

His eyes meet yours as you instinctively shift closer to him. His arms slip around your waist, guiding you closer.

"I wasn’t trying to broadcast our first kiss," he smiles. “I was kinda hoping to save it for when I dropped you off later. Do it properly.”

“It’s okay.”

This time he kisses you. It is soft, his lips lingering against yours to press another kiss against your lips before he pulling away.

Resting back against his seat, he directed his attention back to the floor as the halftime events kick off. You bite your lip as his arm wraps around your shoulder. You’re glad that a form of distraction has risen because you’d continue kissing him if you could.

It is not until the game has picked back up, and Tom’s rolling his neck at a call that you lean over to press your lips against his ear.

“You might have blown my mind."

For a moment you think your words have gotten lost amongst the cheers of the opposing team's fans, but the grin that breaks across his face tells you otherwise. 

#i didn't edit this #probably should have #tom holland #imagines #tom holland imagine

[bigskydreaming]

How do you tackle this set of ADD/ ADHD problems? You start writing, you veer off path, rambling now, oh no it's becoming a book have to make conscious effort to end this train of written thoughts! Vs. Revising! Editing! Going over the entire thing you wrote! I have the added bonus of skipping phrases, from one word per paragraph To Whole Sentences! And I somehow skip again during revisions. I hate it here!!

Ooof. Its not easy and takes a lot of trial and error to figure out, at least for me. Its also a big part of why my posting style is the way it is....it is really easy for me to draft and write a lot quickly, but the editing and revising process takes me SO much longer because I have to keep.....resetting my eyes back to the top as I realize halfway through editing a paragraph that I’ve gotten distracted and allowed my mind to wander even while I kept moving my eyes down the page as though that actually accomplishes any editing....lol. So I like....have to prioritize. I pretty much have to stockpile my editing/revising projects for when I can afford to devote a full day of medication to the process because like.....its one of the things that I absolutely just CAN NOT pull off when not on my medication, I just.....keep going through the motions and never quite pay enough attention to actually be worth it. 

Luckily, over the years of kinda....developing my own inadvertent coping mechanisms for my ADHD while growing up, since I didn’t get my diagnosis until much later in life, like....I somewhere along the line got pretty good at drafting things in such a way that I don’t tend to NEED a ton of edits. Like my drafts are always fairly clean and legible and say what I want them to say....they just say a lot more than I need to say too, lol. Essentially, my drafts ARE my posting style, that’s what they look like, and in my editing process, I just....take a weedwhacker and hack and slash my way through the unnecessary stuff and trim things down until I get an actual polished product.

But because like, that editing process is so, so crucial to my process and like, I HAVE to be on my meds during it and whatnot....that’s why I don’t really bother editing my posts or trying to keep them short and just....word vomit on the page whatever I’m trying to spit out as quickly as it comes and then just move on to the next thing. I could make each of my posts as polished as any fic I write, lol, its just.....in order to do that I’d end up writing 75% less than I do as is, because its not the writing that takes up my time and focus, its the editing and trimming. 

So basically I mean, for me, personally, it ultimately came down to figuring out what my personal priorities were and aligning this with my medication schedule/how fast I metabolize and building an actual writing and editing schedule and process around this, specifically in regards to Official Projects I’ve dedicated myself too.....

And then the tradeoff, the ‘sacrifice’ so to speak, in order to allow me to maximize the amount of time-while-medicated I can devote to the stuff where that’s most crucial, like editing, is that like....I give myself permission to just NOT regulate the stuff I do where ‘good enough’ will suffice. I mean, I’m perfectionist as hell, so it wasn’t easy to train myself into accepting it as a necessity, lol, but at the end of the day, like I’ve always said - my blog is just my personal thing, everything I post is stuff I just need to get out of my head and onto a page somewhere as much as it is stuff I want or need to put in front of other peoples’ eyes.....so, y’know, at the end of the day, it doesn’t HAVE to be anything other than what it is, the way I do it. I can post whatever whenever and I don’t need to be like, on my meds or on a specific schedule or routine to do stuff like this, and it occasionally grates because sometimes like when I AM on my meds and wrap up a work session early and pop on tumblr while still medicated, I look at some of my posts and I’m just like oh for fuck’s sake, why. LOL. But. Whatever. Y’know?

So that’s my advice I guess. I know the Trials of Rambling Exponential Explosion of Growth from one totally manageable idea into like, a whole fucking book when it really didn’t have to be like that, brain, and its annoying and can definitely end up cutting into your productivity despite being ironically ‘more’ productive......and for me, the answer ended up just being....to stop seeing it as a problem. Giving myself a break and not trying to tell myself it was an Issue that I needed to find a solution to, that this was me doing writing wrong and I was never gonna get anything done this way. 

And instead I just kinda....let it be what it is and found a way to repurpose my rambling kind of writing and the time/energy I’d felt was being ‘wasted’ by that, like.....instead of finding a way to stop it from happening, instead I just focused on figuring out a way to get something useful out of it when and where it does happen....when ultimately, it was going to happen no matter what. 

And that eventually ended up being like....this blog. My posting style and habits and my just...using it to burn off the more frenetic of my writing energy so that when I actually want to write in a ‘productive’ sense as in something that will be polished, that I concentrate on editing, that’s meant to not just be read but ENJOYED as a reading experience....I HAVE the time and mental space and focus and spot carved out in my medication schedule that I can devote to that, because I’m not wasting all of THAT stuff trying to just.....rework the things I crank out in my more manic-writing-sessions, like my posts, which are ‘good enough’ as is and don’t ACTUALLY need the benefit of me being on my meds or spending time editing and revising them into a more polished form....not when I don’t actually need them to be that in order to serve the function I’m intending them to be.

Basically......instead of trying to make everything I write perfect and necessitating I cut my content production in half and settle for only getting a much more finite amount of the stuff in my head that’s labeled To Be Written, like, from there and onto the page....I let the stuff that doesn’t actually need to be peffect have permission to exist just as it is the way it comes out initially, even when its all rambling and spat out in a rush...and save my polish and the physical and mental resources I need to devote to something to MAKE it polished for like.....just the stuff I really need or want to be that way in the end.

And that way, I don’t waste my time essentially just doing the same stuff twice and get to keep my production levels up to something I’m happy with instead of down where I’d constantly be kicking myself about how little content I actually manage to get out into the world and instead is just stuck up in my head driving me nuts and annoying me.

[tlbodine]

How to Love Revision

A lot of you lovely folks are doing Nanowrimo right now. 

Which means that, in a few weeks, you will have a steaming pile of pages. A rough draft. A word-baby, if you will. And you might, at some point, want to turn that messy jumble into a real book, perhaps something to send to a publisher or publish yourself or just share with people. 

I see a lot of writing advice about finishing first drafts -- and a whole lot of it is in the vein of “Just write it! Fix it in post! Finished is better than perfect!” which is great advice for pushing through, but does tend to leave future-you -- the editor you-- with problems. 

Lucky for you, I happen to love editing (really! it’s my favorite part!) so I am here to give you some advice on how to turn those pages into a proper story without ripping all of your hair out or screaming into the void (but if you need to scream, it’s OK, I won’t judge you.) 

First Off: Credit Where It’s Due 

My current revision process draws heavily from Holly Lisle’s One-Pass Revision technique: https://hollylisle.com/one-pass-manuscript-revision-from-first-draft-to-last-in-one-cycle/

Her writing guides are golden, and I heartily recommend reading them all, starting with that one up there. 

I don’t do one-pass revisions, but her ethos really helped me. Before I found her advice, I would get caught in the endless revise/rewrite cycle. I was going through 9+ drafts of every story and it kept morphing into something new and sprouting new problems, hydra-style, every time I tried to redo it. So nothing was ever finished, nothing was ever satisfying, and I hated it. 

So I found a better way! And it freed me! I’ve written six books since then, four of them published (one Wattpad-exclusive) and I learned to look forward to the second draft. 

So how does this magic work? Let me show you! 

Step One: Put the Damn Thing Away 

Editing requires intellectual and emotional distance. So finish your story, and set it aside for a while. Stop thinking about it. Actively put it out of your mind. Work on something else for a while. Read a book. Catch up on all the TV you missed. Whatever. The point is -- you don’t want to come back to revise your story until you can look at it with fresh eyes. 

How long this will take depends on you, of course. It’s a very personal thing. It could be weeks. It could be months. For me, a good guideline is to wait until I can no longer quote whole passages from memory. 

Now then. Let’s do some triage. 

Before you can start editing, you need to know your goals. If you’re a planner, this might be easy because you have an outline you can compare against. If you’re a discovery writer like me, well, this is the time to figure out what exactly it is that you discovered. Grab a notebook (or a notepad file, if you’re a digital native) and follow this process: 

Write a one-sentence elevator pitch that roughly encapsulates the concept of the story. It doesn’t have to be pretty -- you’re not showing this to anyone but yourself -- but it does have to be honest. My one-sentence pitch for River of Souls was “Self-aware zombies struggle for equal rights, but the medication they rely on to retain their humanity doesn’t work as advertised.” My pitch for The Hound was “Lesbian thrift shop owners invite the devil into their home after buying a cursed taxidermied dog.” 

Write down your theme(s). In the draft, themes might take the form of questions. In this draft, you’ll want some answers. What do you want the reader to feel when they’re done? What is the message you’re trying to tell? When I wrote Nezumi’s Children, I knew it was a story about religion -- “What should we put our faith into?” In the end, I decided the answer was, “We should put our faith in each other.” That dictated the ending. (I also wanted to be careful not to inadvertently support abandoning your pets -- so I couldn’t let the rats be happily feral at the end. A happy ending for them meant being owned and cared for). 

Write a 250-word synopsis of the story. Again, it doesn’t have to be pretty. It just has to introduce the characters, the world, and the general shape of the story arc -- the inciting incident, the escalating stakes, and how the character changed at the end. 

You may find that you struggle with this part, and that is totally find (and honestly to be expected). You may discover, for example, that your character doesn’t actually change, or that there isn’t a core conflict. That’s okay! That’s what you’re here to fix! I have absolutely, definitely written a book and then discovered 80,000 words later that it didn’t have a plot. It’s OK though, because you’ll fix that problem in the next step. 

If you do indeed have a plot and escalating stakes and characters who go through developmental arcs, you’re ahead of the game. Now you’ve got the skeleton of an elevator pitch and the makings of a query letter (or a jacket blurb). 

Next: Map Out Everything 

When I was in elementary school, I had to start writing my first essays. I was supposed to make an outline, then write the paper to follow the outline. I wasn’t very good at doing it that way, so instead I would write the paper, then hastily draw up the outline to match what I said. Oops. Nothing has changed, honestly. 

With your trusty notebook (or blank text document), compile the following: 

Write out a list of scenes. Just a couple words describing the events of what happens. Now - are all of those scenes necessary? Are any redundant? Do you need to add foreshadowing or establish something earlier in the story to make sense of it? Are the scenes in the wrong order? Does every scene do some work to advance the plot, deepen the character, flesh out the world? Does the ending resonate with the theme? Re-write the scene list in the correct order, with scenes added or removed as necessary to tell the proper story. Now your scene list is a handy dandy roadmap/outline for your revision! 

List out all of the characters in the story. Write down their role in the story. Does every major character have a goal? Do motivations make sense? Does each one change in some way during the story? Are all of your walk-on roles necessary? Are there characters who don’t really do much, and could you combine them?

Fixing plot holes on your scene list is a lot easier than fixing them in the manuscript itself. Keep tweaking your scenes until the story feels like it works. Make sure there’s a logical flow between events -- cause and effect, escalating stakes. Consult structure guides like the Hero’s Journey or the Three-Act Structure if you need some help with your plot. 

Here’s a part that’s really important so it’s going in all caps: THE SCENE LIST IS FINAL. Make all the adjustments you need to the plot while you do the scene list, but do not -- DO NOT -- deviate from the story once you move on to the next step. You don’t stop modifying your scene list until you’re happy with the story, and once you’re happy, THAT is the story you’re writing. Get new ideas for things that can happen? Great, save ‘em for the next book. 

Now Roll Your Sleeves Up And Get Dirty 

Some people like to print their manuscript off and do edits in pen, but I don’t have reliable printer access most of the time and hate wasting paper. So instead, I pull up the rough draft and adjust it so it takes up one half of my monitor. Then I pull up a fresh, empty file and put that on the other half of the screen. 

Now, using my scene list as a guide, I pull up the rough draft and rewrite it, scene by scene. Yes, that means re-typing every word. You’ll find that when you do this, you’ll fix a lot of language mistakes without even realizing it. I’m an under-writer, so my drafts usually double in length during this process because I spend more time lingering on sensory details, adding scenes, teasing out character dynamics, etc. etc. etc. Just let yourself go, get immersed into the scene. If you forget what you were doing, just refer back to your outline and original draft to get back on track. 

I find this process works best if you can do it quickly. Try not to let the story get cold. Ideally, work on this every single day, or even set aside a long weekend to just hammer it all out. 

Finally: Make a Second Pass 

Now that you’ve got a second draft under your belt, it’s time to celebrate! Set the book aside. If you have beta readers or an editor, now is the time to send this to them. Hang out for a bit. Figure out who you’re querying, if you’re doing that. Find a kick-ass cover, if you’re self-publishing. Build yourself a Lego mansion. Whatever. Just sit on your draft for a little bit. 

Now that a couple weeks have passed, it’s time to make a final pass. Gather all of the feedback you’ve gotten from beta readers and editors and decide what advice you should take and what you can ignore. Here’s a guideline: If someone says something and you think, “oh, yeah! that’s exactly it!” then you take the suggestion. If they say something and you think “uh, well, no, that’s not really the story I was trying to write....” or something similar, you can ignore the feedback. Good feedback will always feel true in the “duh, why didn’t I think of that” way. 

Open up your new draft and, starting at page one, just read the damn thing. Make adjustments to the writing as necessary: 

Correct any misspellings and typos you come across. 

Eliminate weak words and phrases and replace them with stronger ones. 

Add some variation to sentence structure if you notice that it’s become repetitive. 

Eliminate redundancy. Fix your metaphors. Fix your symbolism. Keep your poetic language on-theme. In The Hound, I replaced a ton of random metaphors with dog imagery. It’s subtle, but it lends thematic cohesion. 

Some people use things like Grammarly or Hemmingway App to help with this. I’ve never used them, so I can’t speak to their effectiveness. But if you find that they help, awesome! Use them! 

Here’s a really important point: This step can ONLY come AFTER the rewriting stage. There is no point at all in tweaking sentences and fixing up the language in a story that has no plot. Fix your structural issues FIRST, and be sure they are AIR TIGHT, before you start dicking around with the words. Ok? Ok. (Someone go back in time 15 years and tell this to young me please) 

And now...you are done! 

Spend some time tweaking your elevator pitch and query letter at this point, if necessary. But no matter what, you do not go back into this document and change ANYTHING unless an editor tells you to. The book is DONE. Maybe give it a final proofread before you self-publish it (but honestly, you’re better off hiring someone to do it at that point, you’re going to be too zorched to notice the typos you missed) but otherwise don’t touch it. Don’t think about it. Write the next book. 

And that’s it! That’s my mostly painless revision process! 

Obviously every person is different, your mileage may vary, etc. But I hope this serves as a helpful jumping off point. I am more than happy to answer any questions or provide clarification on things -- just drop me a line :) 

#writing advice #writing tips #editing #writeblr #long post

[monicawoe]

12, 16, 21, 25

for the fanfic end of the year asks meme (thanks @slytherkins !)

12. favorite character to write about this year: It’s a tie between Eddie Brock/Venom and Sam Winchester. Venom fics have been incredibly fun to write and I’ve really been enjoying writing more humorous fics which is something I used to struggle with. But with Supernatural in its last season I also had a serious resurgence of need to write all the Sam fics!

21. most memorable comment/review:  “M A X I M U M T O A S T BABYBOI NO.”…which totally makes sense in context. Venom had some difficulties operating the toaster.

25. a fic you read this year you would recommend everyone read: Definitely The Holy Grail Bird by @denugis  Not just because she wrote this as a gift fic to me, but because it’s easily one of my favorite fics of all times. This is such an insightful look into Sam and addresses the Winchester’s Chuck Problem so cleverly, but more than that it brought me to tears in the best kind of way, the kind of tears that happen when somebody just gets it so spot on and so beautifully that your heart leaps and aches all at the same time.  If you are a Sam Winchester fan, do yourself a favor and read this immediately if you haven’t yet, and if you’ve already read it, then go read it again

16 fic(s) you completed this year (*saving this one for last since it’s a long response!) I completed 17 fics this year, of which 16 were posted–mainly Supernatural, Venom and MCU. This was such an awesome year for collaborations, big-bangs and fic exchanges. I had the opportunity to work with some truly stellar artists who are all total sweethearts, so thanks again to @sketchydean, @sdeeys, @vebirascanvasand of course @quickreaver for bringing my fics to life so beautifully. Thanks also to everybody whose prompts I filled for various events, and big thanks to my amazing betas for saving me from my own bad writing habits

Links, fic summaries, and gorgeous art banners below the cut!

Supernatural:

Lakeside Fishing - After defeating Famine, after days of suffering through demon blood withdrawal in the panic room, Sam needs time to clear his head. Early in the morning, he heads to a small lake seeking solitude, but instead finds an unexpected ally. (Sam/Patrick(S5ep7), 4k words)

His Soul to Keep - art by @sketchydean - written for the SPN Eldritch Bang horror event - Dean’s deal is coming due soon. When he finds out from Ruby that Hell will turn him into a demon, he refuses to accept it, even though he can already feel pieces of his soul starting to crumble away. Sam is his only anchor to the world, and Dean finds it harder and harder to leave his side.   After Broward County, after watching Dean die a thousand deaths, Sam decides he’s not going to let Dean go to Hell. He’ll do whatever it takes, even if that means allying himself with Ruby and using the darkness inside of him. Sam casts a soul-binding spell on Dean; they might not be able to break the deal, but they can change who Dean’s soul belongs to. (13k, Sam/Dean, hard-gen, AU of season 3))

Thirteen Taps of The Ivory Beak - Death is a transient thing. The bird knows this, because she herself is both alive and not. Her creator made her this way, not by choice but because of who he is. (a companion piece to de_nugis’ The Holy Grail Bird, 900 words)

Whosoever Holds - Just when Sam Winchester needs it most, Mjölnir returns to him. But is he really worthy? (2k, gen Sam Winchester, Steve Rogers; MCU/SPN crossover)

The Devil You Knew - Brady, not Azazel, had killed Jessica, all those years ago. And now he was sitting across from Sam, bound. Trapped. (1k; an alternate version of Sam’s confrontation with Brady in 5x20)

Wednesday - It’s Wednesday. It’s always Wednesday, he thinks, as he stands up and leaves the motel room, not sparing a glance at the other bed. (2k, Mystery Spot boyKing!Sam AU)

Last Drop - art by @quickreaver -written for the Twisted Tropes event - Sam/Brady AU set while Sam’s at Stanford:  Sam is slowly adjusting to his new life at Stanford University. He’s left his life of hunting behind, and traded it for endless studying and tests, but he’s plagued by dreams of Dean and Dad in danger, dreams of blood and violence. Then he meets Tyson Brady, who’s always there with a smile and a cup of coffee to get Sam through all-nighters. Sam’s dreams start to fade, but just as he’s getting used to a nice normal life, he starts to develop abilities—powers he can’t control. Brady thinks they’re great, but Sam knows power never comes without a cost. (14k, Sam/Brady)

Breathing, Talking, Dead Man Walking   -  John Doe, male, approximately thirty-seven years old. Subject was found by EMTs in close proximity to the site of a sizable explosion in Lebanon, Kansas. (2k, gen, Sam & Dean)

Venom:

Costume Party - Eddie and Venom are invited to a costume party at the museum. While there, they find a mad scientist in the dinosaur wing who is up to no good. (Symbrock, 5k words)

Reckoning Tartare with a Side of Tater Tots - Eddie Brock is writing a story about Will Graham, a man accused of horrific serial murders. But Eddie’s got a feeling Will is innocent, and somebody else is to blame. When Hannibal Lecter invites Eddie to dinner, Venom is surprised by the menu. (2k words; Venom | Hannibal crossover)

The End Times Are Here (But So Are We) - Eddie Brock crashes his motorcycle near Anathema Device’s Jasmine Cottage. She was expecting him, of course. Agnes Nutter’s prophecy had foretold his coming, just in time for the End of Days. (2k words; Venom | Good Omens crossover)

Asunder - (bigbang featuring art by @sdeeys and @vebirascanvas !) Eddie and Venom have grown accustomed to their new life together. They patrol every night, keeping San Francisco just a little safer, and keeping Venom fed. But one night, they’re captured, and separated. Eddie wakes up to find himself imprisoned in a glass cell and, for the first time in six months, completely alone.  (Symbrock, PG-13, 12k words; written for the @symbrockbigbang)

Midnight Snack - Eight hours is way too long to wait until breakfast. Venom makes snacks while Eddie is sleeping. Unfortunately the toaster gives them some issues. (3k words)

They Say It’s Your Birthday - Venom asks Dan to help throw a surprise birthday party for Eddie. (3k words | written for the chocolate box gift exchange)

Marvel/Captain America

Interstitial Light - After Thanos wiped half of life off the planet, the remaining Avengers find a way to reach out to those they lost, using a combination of Stark-Tech, magic and their own memories. Steve makes contact with Bucky, but they spent too many decades apart when Steve was on ice. But there was somebody else who knew Bucky during that time—who trained with him, who knew both the Winter Soldier and James Barnes: Natasha. | 6k, Natasha, Bucky

Stumble and Fall Into You   -   Three months ago, Steve’s world shattered. SHIELD had been infiltrated by Hydra, people he trusted turned out to be enemies, and Bucky, who he thought he’d lost in 1944, had been alive this whole time. Steve tries to get back to some kind of normalcy, but Bucky is always on his mind, and lately he’s been seeing him everywhere. | 5k, Steve/Bucky

—

The 17th fic I completed this year is my Sam Winchester Big Bang fic, which will be posting early next year. I’ve gotten paired with yet another wonderful artist (I think it’s still supposed to be a secret, but it won’t be for long) and am very excited about this collaboration too!

Might as well make this my end of year stats post as well while I’m at it.

Words so far: 247,305 as of end of November, I’ll probably come in close to 280k by end of year. About a third of these words were posted as fics, the rest were prior drafts and a handful of short stories.

Thematically this was a very cathartic and iddy year for me in fic. Venom fandom gave me the opportunity to tackle things in a totally different way which has been incredibly freeing and fun to write, and returning to Supernatural fic had me writing out ideas I’d had on the backburner for years, like with Wednesday and my aforementioned SWBB. Nearly every Sam Winchester fic I write is about autonomy (loss of or reclaiming of) in one way or another but I’d say the two iddiest ones by far from this year were His Soul to Keep and Last Drop. 

I’ve got four WIPs heading into 2020, so here’s to another year of writing!

#spn fics #venom fics #sam winchester #eddie/venom #writing meme #end of the year asks #slytherkins

[crazy-loca-blog]

Personal Thoughts On Open Heart

When I first tried Choices, I said “I used to read this type of books (in paper, of course) when I was a kid, so let’s give it a chance… 5 minutes and then I’ll uninstall it”. And here I am, about 2 years and 45 books (and a lot of diamond purchases) later. But I never, ever felt so attached to a book as I am to Open Heart. I even recovered my forgotten Tumblr account, just to read stuff related to the book because I missed Dr. Ramsey and associates from Saturday to Thursday!

So I was just thinking about the final chapter (insert broken heart emoji here) and how there are lots of things that are still unsolved (and will probably remain unsolved or we would have like a 3-hour long chapter). It even made me think that this book was so successful that instead of shortening and rushing things (something that has been happening a lot in PB lately, let’s be honest), they may be trying to do the opposite, that is, to drag and delay some stuff as much as possible so they have plenty of interesting content for book 2 (and book 3?) as well.

I guess when the book was first released, most of us assumed the series was going to have three books, one per year: the first one would be about the competition, the second one about the MC joining the diagnostics team (after winning the competition, of course) and the third one about the MC finishing the residency and, of course, the wedding. But after the massive success of Open Heart and the lots and lots of things we want to know about every single character in this book, I’m beginning to wonder how many questions will be answered in chapter 17 and how many things will be left unsaid and unknown until book 2 arrives. So I had to make a summary a draft a list a long post the longest post I can think of now regarding the things I think will happen in the near future… or the things I WANT to happen in chapter 17 and in book 2 (or even afterwards, fingers crossed so we can get a book 3)…

The hearing: I’ve been trying to think about how things will go in chapter 17. For some reason, I think the tricks Ethan talked about when we saw him before the hearing are related to that empty chair the MC noticed in chapter 15. We know that the chair belongs to Naveen, so probably when he retired, that spot was meant to be Ethan’s. Also, we all saw Ethan quitting… but did he “officially” submitted his resignation to the board or was it just a verbal thing? I’m pretty sure that PB would have given us a scene with him taking his stuff out of his office, but that didn’t happen hasn’t happened yet. Also, we know there are 8 chairs, so my guess is that after 7 votes our MC will be losing the case… and that’s the moment where Ethan will come to the rescue to submit the 8th vote and make things even. So will there be a cliffhanger at the end of book 1? Who knows… part of me would love it because it would be a different and unexpected ending (we already know we don’t need a closure because we’ll be having a second book)… but I don’t know if I can wait months to discover what happened in the end. It would also be nice to see some type of unexpected plot twist during the hearing, as for example Aurora testifying for us or the snake Landry publicly recognizing that he sabotaged the MC, putting in danger the patients and ruining the MC’s reputation among the nurses.

The competition: since the snake’s Landry’s episode, we haven’t heard much about the competition. As Jackie said, with Naveen and Ethan out of the picture, there isn’t even a diagnostics team to join, so that made me think that PB is not even going to try to finish the competition in book 1, they’ll carry it to book 2 (Two books covering only the first year? That would be awesome, as it makes me dream of more than 3 books on the horizon… “a girl can dream”, said certain MC in chapter 10).

The hospital: Naveen is retired (and we still don’t know if he’ll live)… Ethan quit… Harper hates her current job. I’m guessing that book 2 will be all about chaos in the administration of Edenbrook. And for some reason, I can see Declan Nash and the contract that Ethan had to sign involved in all this mess (I’m guessing Panacea Labs will be our real PITA in this series).

Backstories: we know so little about our friends/LIs lives outside the hospital and about their past! We know that our beloved and hot smart ass Ethan (insert heart emoji here) doesn’t have a good relationship with his family, but we don’t exactly know what happened there. We also know that there might be something about Bryce and his family, and that’s why he decided to be as far from them as possible. We know about Elijah’s childhood and his parents being on medical debt, but it would be huge to be able to learn more about the difficulties he must face every day as a person in a wheelchair. We are just getting to know Aurora and how hard it is for her just to be herself because of her family name (I’d love to see her kicking some asses and showing everyone that she’s there because she deserves it, not because she’s Harper’s niece). The only thing we know about the MC is that there is a brother somewhere in the universe. But we still don’t know anything about Landry, Jackie, Sienna or Kyra’s past, so I expect to have a book 2 full of backstories.

The new roommate: that will have to be solved by the end of chapter 17 or in the first chapter of book 2 (because we have to pay the rent!). I definitely don’t want the snake Landry our old roommate to return to the apartment (does anyone want it that way, actually?) and I definitely see Bryce as the natural choice to fill that spot, I don’t see any other option.

The patients: of course we’ll keep receiving new cases in book 2, but I’d love to see PB giving some special treatment to Kyra. We do know that her fight is a long one and I’d love to see the MC right next to her every step along the way not only as her doctor, but as her friend. I’m still not sure if she is a LI or not, but I wouldn’t like her to be one or to become one in the near future. Don’t get me wrong, I love her, but right now I see the Kyra/MC relationship being the equivalent to the Dolores/Ethan relationship and even though I don’t want this to happen because it breaks my heart, I may see the same outcome in both cases, especially after Ines told Kyra that her survival chances were ridiculously low (insert broken heart emoji here).

New LIs: OK, so most of us have already chosen our fave LI (team Ramsey for life here… my heart, soul and body belong to him, please don’t let my boyfriend read this) so probably book 2 will be the one where we will make things official and become more serious about our relationships (especially if you’re dating Bryce, Rafael or Jackie… it took less than 2 chapters for Ethan and the MC to look like a married couple already so I think there isn’t anything to discuss there). But we definitely need at least one more LI and it has to be a female. My votes go to Aurora (I can see it like the Becca/MC relationship in TF series) and Sienna (just because she’s the sweetest!).

New relationships: again, now that we all are dating our fave LIs and living the honeymoon phase, what about some of our friends and LIs that received a “thank you, next” answer from us? We’re already shipping Elijah/Phoebe (even though they are not in a serious relationship yet, I can totally see him moving to her apartment at some point in book 2) and Sienna/Danny (like please PB! I’d be so happy if by the end of book 1 they go on a date! I need that thing to happen like NOW!). I’d personally LOVE to see Bryce dating Harper… I can totally see him dating an older woman (and of course I can see Harper having a hot toy boy in her life) and they’d be such an unstoppable power couple! We know he admires her a lot professionally speaking, but taking things to the next level would be like living the Ethan/MC love story all over again (except that I don’t think Harper sets boundaries as Ethan did tried to do). I’m also hoping for Ines and Zaid to confirm during chapter 17 if they are a thing or if they’re just friends… I think most of us ship them and a lot of people assume they’re already in a relationship as they’re seen together like everywhere… maybe we’ll have to play matchmaker once again in book 2? And if I have to choose some type of crazy match I’d say Aurora and Jackie. Can you image how they’d flirt? We wouldn’t even know if they are throwing shade or complimenting each other, but they’d love each other in their own twisted way.

Gossiping sessions with Sienna: this is simple: I always knew Sienna was going to become our bestie sooner or later, and I’ve been dreaming about a gossiping session with her since she told us she wanted to know every little dirty detail about that trip to Miami (has anyone written a fanfic about that conversation? that would be so awesome!). Please PB, just make it happen!!

Ethan: last but not least. No matter if he’s your LI or not, this man is a topic by himself. You just can’t deny he’s one the best characters that Choices has created so far (if not the best one… his character development is just amazing) and that he’s the main reason why we are so obsessed with this book. I’ll focus on him as a LI as well because that’s the route I took. I’m really hoping to see him returning to Edenbrook this week, after saving Naveen (please PB, give Ethan a break and let Naveen live! He’s had enough suffering already!), saving our MCs ass at that hearing and recovering his confidence as an attendant. If he returns, his biggest conflict in book 2 has to be how to be able to keep a relationship with the MC and being our mentor and our boss at the same time. He is madly in love, so this will be a constant struggle! There is also what I call “the Harper factor”. The reason why Ethan and Harper broke up was because she became his boss. Now Ethan is facing the same situation, but he is taking Harper’s place as the boss. How will she react? How will he explain to Harper that he’s doing exactly the same thing they used as the excuse for their breakup a year ago? Will we have another Harper/MC tense interaction in book 2 where they both will talk about Ethan? I’m seriously waiting for it to happen. Despite this, I’d love to see a kind of hidden relationship between them (I don’t remember PB doing that before) until they can’t just hide it anymore because it’s too obvious or because someone caught them (let’s face it, both the MC and Ethan fail miserably when they try to hide their feelings). I think something like this could work in this very specific case because no matter who your LI is, our MC tends to be a super private person and I don’t know if after all the things that happened in book 1 we would want to keep being the favorite topic in the nurses’ gossiping sessions. Wedding bells? Of course, but not yet… I even think the engagement may take place in book 3 (if we get there). Will we meet Jenner? I don’t think so, at least not yet (insert broken heart emoji here). A few days ago I realized that if you didn’t do the diamond scene or if you didn’t choose the option where Ethan talks about Jenner, you have no idea that he has a dog. Just do something about it, PB!!!!

#playchoices #open heart #openheart #choices open heart #open heart choices #oh #ethan ramsey #dr ethan ramsey #casey valentine #sienna trinh #elijah green #jackie varma #landry olsen #bryce lahela #rafael aveiro #aurora emery #harper emery #ines delarosa #zaid mirani #naveen banerji #kyra santana #edenbrook #bryce x mc #mc x bryce #rafael x mc #mc x rafael #jackie x mc #mc x jackie #ethan ramsey x mc #ethan x mc

[moldy-mold]

Diary Post: My Thoughts and Processes on Making “Silent Strength” It’s lengthy, taking place over long period of time. Mainly written for my future-self to remember what I went through, but also for anyone who is curious. Now that the project is over, I can post without reservations. There are certain things I need to keep secret though, so if I’m vague I do so intentionally!

Basically, a lot of number-crunching, physical labor, and psychological labor.

It started off as kind of a joke tweet I made. I had enough content to make a Tales Of art book and people were receptive to it. So… I thought maybe I could go somewhere with this. A few weeks later, I suddenly had a lot of Kratos art. Like. 80% of all my Tales art was Kratos. It didn’t make sense to make a broad Tales Of book when really most of it was Kratos.

I hadn’t made a book since I was in college despite it being one of my favorite things to do. They were never art books, just some editorial design projects that totally didn’t count. This book… would be my first-ever art book.

Several times, I came close to having enough art to print a book - the last time was my large collection of Yusuke Kitagawa, but the quality wasn’t where I wanted.  At that time, I was still experimenting with my iPad Pro and figuring out Procreate, so that was what I used him for.

NGL, I was pretty afraid of looking like a clown. After doing all this work, what if no one actually buys it? I was talking to some friends and they said they would buy it. It was enough for me. In the end, I’m creating something that I love. - The first thing I really wanted to work on was the cover. It needed to be epic but also mysterious (lol)… It was a good time to practice lighting and backgrounds. The cover had to be freaking Fantastic. I spent 3 days drawing nonstop. I was on vacation so I could spend full days just drawing. It was really intense. I would stop in the evenings to go for a run or else my legs would never get circulation again.

The hardest part was keeping it secret. I wanted to share it with the world right away bc I was so proud of it. Well, all I could do was show it to my parents and some close friends. They didn’t know who Kratos is, but it was obvious I was crazy about him.

Initially, I was doing some hand-lettering for the zine title instead of using a typeface. Tbh, I was so sure I was naming this zine “Blame Your Fate!” bc that is such an iconic line. But it just didn’t work with my cover, which looked… a little too serene for that. So… Silent Strength or Divine Strength? I asked around and got my answer.

But what size? All of my art has been on letter canvases. I wanted it to be large so you could see the details in the art. I’ll just start with that. - Luckily, I had all my Kratos-related art in one place. I started my InDesign file and threw everything in there just to see what it looked like. Man, I draw a lot of boxes… But I didn’t want them all next to each other. I also wanted to kinda organize it by the people Kratos hangs out with. There’s a Yuan section LOL… and a Lloyd section… and an Anna section. Idk, I tried to get some kind of order in there with a sprinkling of full spreads here and there to keep it fresh and interesting for the eyes.

I hadn’t worked with InDesign on such an intense level since college. I forgot all of the tips and tricks we learned in class. Spent some time reading on how to do things again… like adding page numbers. - I started drafting my pre-order form. It’s my first time making a google form like this. It’s kind of fun? I spent a long time on it, despite how simple it was. This was going to be my “Store” so it had to look and sound good. - My friend introduced me to charm-making. It seemed easy enough, and I wanted to give my zine more oomph. Besides, I’ve always wanted to make a charm.

I remember someone saying they’d buy a book of just the 4 Seraphim if it existed. I like them too and they lack art imo. In the end, I decided to do a polaroid charm. It’s not really that unique but I wanted Kratos to have actual friends to hang out with for once LOL.

She was going to do a group order to try to reduce the costs. I thought maybe 4 weeks would give me enough time. In the end she said I only have 2. I work well under pressure, so needless to say, I did make that deadline. I actually sketched the whole thing on the plane headed home. - After playing the game the second time, watching the OVA again, and reading “Offerings to a Star,” I have gained a real soft spot for Yuan.  My friend once said, “If you weren’t stolen away by Kratos, you would be in love with Yuan.” Lol. I’ve been in a “Kratos and Yuan hanging out” mood lately, so of course I needed something good for the zine. They’re so cute together! Now… what is the bro-est thing I can draw?

I was currently in Florida for my friend’s wedding. I was friends with the groom and his best man since high school, so that makes it 10 years now. Seeing how they’re still friends after all this time, despite living in opposite sides of the country, was really moving to me. Of course, me being me, I could see Kratos and Yuan’s long friendship being similar to this, if they had gone to school together. I just had to draw it. - When I got back from vacation, I did some research on zine sizes. Mine was HUGE compared to others. I just didn’t quite realize it until I held a magazine in my hands. It really is huge…

I settled for a medium size. 7x9. I really liked how it looked. Petite but not too petite. Unfortunately resizing my book had messed up my artwork placement so I spent hours rearranging all the text and resizing my images. I found out afterwards that there’s a way to retain the format while changing the document size. Gee, that would have been helpful 4 hours ago.

Sadly, choosing a custom size booklet makes printing more expensive. But I wanted it badly enough that I’d be willing to pay for it. Letter size is just too large… - I decided to stop dragging my feet and post a promo. I just really needed a deadline for myself to get this all done before July ended. I’m happy it was well-received. A lot of people like Kratos huh…

Anyway, the pre-order is due in a week and I still don’t know what all the costs are yet. I need a physical proof ASAP to weigh at the post office! - Something possessed me one day to do another drawing. I don’t usually do painterly style (mainly because it’s really difficult and takes 10x longer) but I just REALLY wanted to push myself on this Final Piece to the zine. I wanted it to be… radiant. Almost religious. I worked on it obsessively. From breakfast to sundown. The only time I would stop was at 7pm to go running or else my legs would give out on me.

Call me crazy, but I would save my progress on my phone so I could examine it for errors during my warmup. I also spend an hour examining it for errors before going to bed. It’s a miracle I hadn’t dreamt of the painting. - I sent my files in on Sunday in hopes that they start working on it first thing on Monday…. and it HAPPENED! They finished before I even woke up. I think they start work at like 6am…

Of course, I drove over there as soon as I heard so I can get a look. “Please… please let the colors be okay,” I prayed as I was driving. I barely remember driving there, I was so lost in thought. It would be another long ordeal if I had to fix all the colors.

Thank the stars. The press proof looked BEAUTIFUL!! I was screaming to the client coordinator how much I loved it. I mean, I worried for a looooong time that everything would turn out too dark (it usually does) but it was PERFECT. I was especially worried about the cover, which contained a lot of yellow and I def did not want it to come out mustardy… But it was great in the end!

The press operator is a quiet man. He’s got a scary face and never smiles but I think he’s secretly nice. He has done a lot of favors for me in the past without my asking. He was the one to print, bind, and trim the book for me. Obviously he had to have seen what I was drawing. I wonder what he thought of it…? He walked away before I could express how happy and thankful was. He didn’t need to hear it. It was like he already knew. So cool…

I immediately took it to the post office to weigh it. I needed as much info as I could get and plus, I was dying to know for myself. This is the week I was supposed to open pre-orders and there was still a lot I needed to do. Take pictures, create mockups, pricing, etc.

NGL, all of these costs were building up fast. It was so darn expensive to make a zine while also keeping prices down. But I wanted so much more for my baby. Extra glossy cover, perfect binding!! I knew by the end of this, I probably wouldn’t make much money. It hurt a little, but I tried to think that it was for the greater good. Learning experience and all that. And creating something beautiful. Especially something beautiful of Kratos. - Pricing was really the hardest part. I pretty much threw profit out the window. However, I definitely did not want to be losing money. My dad and I had worked together to create a spreadsheet of expenses to make sure my head was above water. I followed it… loosely.

My friend came to talk to me at the right moment. I was sort of panicking at the prices. She made me realize I was thinking way too hard about it and gave me some tips based on her own experience. It really put my mind at ease talking to someone who understands my woes.

The truth of the matter is, the book is wonderfully made and has a lot of pages - countless hours of drawing. There is only so much I can do about pricing. It is what it is… I just needed to come to terms with my own worth. - Boy, what am I going to do once the zine is done? My friend says that I’ll be so over Kratos that I’ll stop drawing him (but the love remains). It’s like… all of the intense planning, working, struggling nonstop will just suddenly… stop. TBH, I’m running out of ideas. I spent it all on the zine. - Photoshoot today. I had to paint my nails purple for this occasion. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get the look I wanted in the apartment. It’s just so naked without props. I think I’ll take it to a cafe for some nicer backgrounds. I talked it over with my friend and decided to do a quick flip-through of the zine as a promotional video. I used the most professional video program I had on hand… Snapchat. It actually turned out pretty legit and of course I slapped stickers on there because it’s Snapchat.

I had to tape/hide some of the pages for the video because I wasn’t actually done with the drawings. I had the printers print it anyway so I could examine it for color accuracy.

I’m really stressed about pricing now. It turns out I had a lot more international fans than I anticipated. I wish I took notes on interest earlier in the game to cater to them. I had a list of “possible buyers” and I only just now decided to check where they live? Foolish.

I did another cost analysis on paper to figure out what my goal was to make up for the charms. Right now they’ve cost me a fortune for something that was supposed to be giveaway. Other things that rack up are packaging costs, PayPal fees, and some other supplies I needed for this project.

Maybe I shouldn’t have made it 40 pages. It is an impressive number, but no one is really paying for quantity. I think 25 is a better number lol. If I had done that, I could have had my super-gloss cover like I wanted. :’(

There is hope though. And I’ve placed it in the hands of my followers to come through for me. I think I’ll open pre-orders on Saturday or Sunday, depending on what I finish. - “Losing your cool will only lead to poor decisions.” 
Thanks, Kratos twitter bot. You always know what to say.

I read this post today on what makes people buy zines. Very interesting!
 https://twitter.com/andythelemon_/status/1141469048653398019 - Photoshoot part 2 today. My friend and I went to a cafe nearby that had some nice atmosphere in hopes of finding the right shots. I brought all of my Kratos merch just in case. I’m glad I did though, since the tables were pretty sparse and it was difficult to capture the backgrounds without getting a bunch of random people in it too.

I would have been the photographer, but I definitely wanted my hands in the shots. In a way, it was meaningful - to show that this was made by my own two hands. Plus, I wanted to depict natural interaction with the product. It made it feel real.

The photos were cute! I feared it would look a little amateurish with all the merch in there, but I think fun was what I was really going for, not “professional.” And plus the flip-through was a Snap anyway LOL. As long as the photos have good lighting and tasteful composition, you really can’t go wrong with “fun.”

Now that I’ve finished editing my photos, there really isn’t anything holding me back from opening pre-orders. I’ve pretty much come to terms with my pricing. If I fail to break even, I’ll just have to open commissions to try to make up for it. I was telling my friend on the way home, “I gave this zine EVERYTHING I had to give. So at the very least, I won’t be disappointed in myself.” No stone left unturned, no detail left unchecked. It was perfect according to my standards. I really love my zine okay?!

I thought I was crazy for not only choosing a small fandom, I narrowed it down even further by picking ONE GUY to make this zine about. She replied, “Even if it’s small, those people who love him now must be EXTREMELY LOYAL to still be in love with a character from a 15-year-old game. All of them will want your zine.” - I went to bed that night with the intention of making the pre-order post live in the morning. I was so nervous I couldn’t sleep. I was wide awake until at least 5 or 6 am. Luckily, I was able to doze off for a an hour or two before I would shake myself awake again. It was a mixture of anxiety and excitement. It was the moment of truth - to see if all my effort made a difference. Was it going to sell? - The pre-order post looked really freaking good. I’ll give it that. I even made a YT account just to post that darn preview video on tumblr lol. It was definitely fun seeing everyone’s excitement and we all just freaked out together.

I broke even! That’s what really matters. Honestly at this point, I couldn’t care less if I made profit or not. I now know how much people really like the zine and that alone made me so happy I could die.

I was particularly fascinated at Google Form’s ability to transfer all the data collected into a spreadsheet. That is extremely helpful. I spent hours organizing the data. It was really fun…?! Now I can tell who gets invoiced and who paid and separate them into categories. IT’S FANTASTIC!

Stayed up late researching how much adding tracking could be. I had a slight panic attack thinking “what if my books got lost in transit?” It would really hurt me to have to reprint books and ship them again. And then I realized I will need to fill out customs forms for all international orders. Yikes, I’m gonna be living at the post office lol. You can print them out at home if you fill out the form online but there are still some things I’m uncertain about. I may visit the post office later this week to ask all my questions. - This morning I sent out everyone’s invoices. I gave the international people the option to purchase tracking. It’s expensive… but I need to provide that option just in case.

I received a nice message from someone who offered to advertise for me on Instagram. Of course, I gave them the OK! I’m really so shocked they would do that… They said the liked the zine so much it deserved more exposure. My dude… I love you… T_T

I thought about advertising on insta myself earlier in the week. For some reason I felt it was going to be fruitless since I don’t have an art account on there with a following. So, I gave up on the idea. Hey it worked out in the end.

I’ve never been so organized in my entire life. I want this zine experience to be perfect. The people have placed their trust in me, so I cannot mess up. - Edited some pages in the zine. The typography must be perfect… It made me think back to undergrad days in graphic design school. Man, if only I can present this as a project - photos, videos, matching accessories and all. I’d probably get an A lol. - Orders slow down after the first day. The rest is just about getting new people to see the post and giving other people more time to decide.

I finished my Kratos stationery today. It’s going to be so cute. My friend said people would want to buy it but I don’t have it in me to do more products at this time. Plus, I want it to be a surprise.

Why make stationery? Well my real job (no, I don’t draw Kratos all day for a living) is a stationery designer! It would feel really wrong not to put into practice what etiquette I’ve learned in this business. Plus, I felt that it was necessary to properly thank all those who ordered. And it’s fun?

I started designing the shipping labels for the domestic orders since I don’t need to fill out a customs form for those. I wish I had sticker labels but… it’s okay. It will still look good in the end. - Every so often, I would get nervous at the amount of money I’m responsible for. Perhaps, if I had a store with existing products I wouldn’t feel this way, but the fact that the books haven’t been printed yet made me scared. I know, I need this money to even print the books in the first place, but I’m just baffled at my customers’ trust in almost a total stranger. I felt pressured that I could not let them down and lose that trust. It probably didn’t help that I watched a documentary on Elizabeth Holmes (Theranos) that day.

So, I prayed every single day that nothing would go wrong. I’d check my spreadsheet constantly for any mistakes. It was a little obsessive, but I would rather be that than overlook something.

I began collecting cardboard boxes. My plan was to cut them up to protect the books during transit. I would have preferred hard envelopes but they were a bit pricey. If I have to do more work myself, so be it.

I’ve been getting nice DMs from some buyers. I think my invoice due date scared them… I really did not intend to be strict, but I wanted people to pay now if they can rather than forget about it. This happens at work all the time, so the best thing to do is have it due immediately. It would not look good to have to wait on stragglers when I close pre-orders, so I’ll probably reach out when there is one week left. - My Kratos stationery arrived! Aww it is SO CUTE!!! My babies… I have a lot of notes to write so I got started right away. It’s going to be a lot of work trying to come up with creative ways to say “thank you,” but I don’t mind. I said I was going to put my all into the zine experience so I will.

At long last, the charm order has been put in motion. My friend said it could take a while… I hope it won’t be longer than 3 weeks. I really do not want to keep everyone waiting. I may ship out the ones who did not win a charm first. I mean, there is no reason to make those guys wait. I should ask the charm winners if they still want to wait and see if anyone wants to give it up for someone else who is more patient. Hm. - I finally stopped by the post office today to collect customs forms. I have my work cut out for me since I’m filling all of them in by hand. D:

I’m not used to international addresses so I think I’ll ask for help in checking them for spelling errors and typos. Heaven forbid I mess up on the very last part of the zine experience.

In my nervousness, I decided to reach out about invoices early on. If someone wanted to cancel, I would rather find out sooner rather than later. Everyone was really nice about paying and thank goodness they’re still excited.

Feeling kind of overwhelmed by all the things I need to do, but it’s a good thing. If I don’t know what to do, I can either: cut cardboard, write letters, type shipping labels, draw more Kratos for a… possible volume 2? Someone I talked to today already said they’ll pre-order a second book if I make one. Omg I think I’ll die. But we’ll see. It’s just a joke right now haha… - Preorders end today. I had another nightmare last night that the books could not be printed properly and there was nothing I could do. Why do I keep getting nightmares about the zine! I had one a few days before about people canceling their orders when I asked them about the invoices. I’ll take these dreams with a grain of salt. I’m probably just stressed/worried but everything is going to be okay. When I open my eyes, nothing is on fire.

I received my final proof a few days ago. With all of the artwork completed and changes applied. The book looks good, no doubt about it. There was only one thing I was nit-picky about but it can be fixed. The press operator offered to print another book for me to inspect. I’ll go see it on Monday and then submit the rest of the orders. I also asked to to have a meeting with the press operator so we are on the same page. It would be beneficial to have an understanding of how my book is made so that I may be more helpful to him.

I spent the day preparing shipping labels. I hate to admit, I am not too familiar with the format international addresses so I had an address validator open as I was typing them in. For the most part, everyone was helpful in already formatting their addresses in the preorder form! - My parents called me the day after preorders were closed. They wanted to say congratulations on my success. No one thought it would do this well. I couldn’t be offended by that since I was also guilty of it. I’m happy though. It feels like my love spread across the world and was contagious.

I tried to think of what advice I would give to others. Obviously, genuine love for the subject and hard work were a necessity. But it would be good to consider value. If I were selling it at this price, I had to make sure my pieces and presentation looked the part. I ask myself, if someone else sold it, would I buy it?

I sent out messages to all the charm winners in the morning. I wanted to apologize profusely at the ridiculous amount of time it has taken to get them made. But no, I’ve got to stop apologizing. I stated the facts and left it at that. Everyone was really kind and patient⁠—to which I was thankful for. I don’t usually get that when I’m working customer service. - All the books were done printing in one day. Wow! I went to pick it up immediately of course. I can’t believe all of this is coming to an end. I finished preparing the mailers. All that was left was to stuff and seal the domestic orders. They were the easiest to do so I’m going to ship those first. The rest will need customs forms, which I haven’t filled out just yet. It’s going to be a while for those…

The mailers were quite sturdy with the cardboard cutouts I slipped in them. I have nothing to worry about. I’m sure my babies will be okay! - I took a whole box of domestic orders to the post office today. Wasn’t sure what to expect. But my clerk had to input every single address one at a time while I checked for errors. Omg, why are the post office shipping labels SO HUGE. I thought it was going to be half the size. And they’re ruining my designer labels! Slight panic but oh well…

I had a long long line behind me. I’m so sorry, people. Luckily there were two clerks or I would be really sweating. Despite my intimidating box of zines, the clerk and I had Synergy and we managed to ship all of these in about 15 minutes. I received a very long receipt and quite the bill lol. - Shipped the international orders today. I was kind of a mess since I had no idea what to do. I keep wondering if I can help speed up the process in any way but I don’t think I have the option to ship first-class at home.

When shipping international, keep the post office copy of the customs forms together with the package since they use that to type the address info into the system. Also, we get free tracking, which I did not know about. The other clerk told me that we did not get tracking for international first-class but I guess he was misinformed. It’s good to know for next time. - The charms finally arrived!! And THEY’RE HOLOGRAPHIC?! It was pretty awesome, but it makes picture-taking kind of difficult!! Anyway, I was a tiny bit disgruntled that they got my order incorrect, and I even asked for a reprint. But they said no, so I left it at that. Besides, it seems the holographic effect was well-received.

I like this size that I made. It’s really cute! Larger than your normal charm but not too huge. It’s almost like an Instax photo! - There was one customer who I found lives near me! I asked her if she wanted me to hand-deliver it to her in a public setting and she agreed (to my amazement). We finally met a few days ago and talked for hours and hours lol! I’m glad to have finally made a new friend here in this town but of course she’s moving away in two weeks. <:’3

We’re going to meet again to make the most of her time left. - I shipped the rest of the orders on the following Monday. I HAD to get these out. The poor guys have been waiting over a month! I think I picked a bad time to go because I had a huge line behind me and only one guy working. People in line were getting antsy or mad. The clerk at the other post office was super fast but not this guy…

For some reason shipping to the UK and Japan nearly doubled in price since the last time I checked. RIP. T_T - Omg I finally made a mistake. I wrote a letter to the wrong person. And the contents of that letter are too personalized!!! I am dying of embarrassment!!!!! Screams!! Had to apologize to both customers too!!! Luckily they were good sports about it but I’m seriously kicking myself AAAAAAAA!!!! - The most rewarding part after sending all my babies away is seeing the commentary on my project. It is so so nice to receive positive feedback. People are happy! Happy with something I created out of thin air. Everything was worth it 1000 times over. I can die happy!

I’m especially thankful to those who show understanding for how much effort went into it. It definitely wasn’t easy and I poured way too many hours into it… not that I regret that.

I don’t want to jump the gun but I would really love to make a volume 2. Because I know I can do better than last time. New and improved art and comics! But we’ll see if I make enough pieces for another book. I was against printing 40 pages before but now I kind of like it. It feels more worth it than a 25-page zine. If i’m going though so much effort, might as well bring in the entire package.

I’ll be printing more of this volume for Aselia Con 2020. Now I know people will appreciate it.

#diary

[good-forthe-weekend]

Being Pissed Off: With Becca!!!

So. Boyfriend and I probably broke up over the weekend. I say probably because I am the single most extra person on the face of the earth when it comes to fighting for what I want and love and believe in, and maaaaaaaaay have [read: definitely did] sent him a text [read: novel length text block] on Monday detailing why I should have fought harder during him saying he was in a mental state of being ready to break up due to mental stress from his new job, and also why breaking up was a bullshit decision. Among other things I said. (Seriously, this thing was technically 30 text messages long. Even I thought it was a bit much when I sent it, and I’m the queen of the text message novel. I can’t summarize its thesis that concisely) And ever since I started drafting my magna carta on why we were both full of shit when we [read: he] decided to break up, I’ve been getting increasingly pissed off, and feel like sharing.

So, if you have any care as to my thoughts on the whole thing, and the interwoven relation between romance and mental illness, keep reading I guess. WARNING. THIS IS GONNA BE A LONG ONE, EVEN BY MY STANDARDS, but worth it, I hope.

Before we get into the opinions bit, I feel like I should give you guys (the whole ass internet) a bit [read: a lot] of background.

So. Boyfriend [hereafter reffered to as Boy] and I have been dating since mid January, and have been ‘long distance’ [about 60 miles, or an hour and a half drive] since May [it’s early September now]. I’ve always been reticent to call that a true long distance relationship, because if transportation, scheduling, and housing situations were just sliiiiiiiiiightly different, we would probably see each other minimum once a week, because an hour and a half just isn’t that often realistically. But, I work second shift [4 PM to 2 AM, Wed-Sat], and Boy, who was a local college student from the time we met up until his graduation in May, has always been on the path to a normal 9-5 job. Additionally, post graduation, Boy has gone on 3 vacations. One that lasted ~2 weeks, one that lasted ~1 month, and one that was 1 week long. Between packing, recovering, job hunting, and catching up with people locally, these trips took up about 85% of his summer months. Which meant that between when he left in May and our “breakup” this past weekend [9/7], we saw each other a grand total of 3 times. For a grand total of probably 3-4 days cumulatively. Total. The whole summer.

Which is perfectly normal within a long distance relationship. But, we are not perfectly normal people, and this relationship has always been rather unique. First of all, I have pretty bad anxiety and abandonment issues, stemming from childhood issues, blah blah blah. I’m also prone to depressive episodes, but that isn’t relevant til later. Boy, in my totally unprofessional opinion, also has issues with anxiety and abandonment, and also a healthy dose of standard issue male commitment-phobia. (Or, maybe that’s not standard issue, and I just have a type. Either way.) Pile on top of that the fact that I’ve been not only his first REAL relationship (He has told me that while he’d had long relationships in the past, they were all on again/off again, and not that serious emotionally, and that he felt like I was the first person he ever had a deep emotional connection with. Which, yikes, I don’t have time to unpack all that, but I have chosen to not dig too deep into that well yet. Maybe later in this post I will.), and that this has been the longest relationship either of us has been in (Again, he’s been on/off for longer, but cumulative time. And I tend to evaluate at 6 months and break things off then), and we were a recipe for a unique situation. Yes, we trust each other, that’s never been the issue, but I think we’ve both had this idea that the other has one foot out the door of the relationship, just due to distance and scheduling. Especially because we both come from broken homes, we tend to have a lot of issues revolving around commitment, and the flaws therein, and tend to feel anxiety surrounding it.

We also moved very fast in the beginning. I’m talking we had our first date, then spent 11 out of the next 14 days together. The connection was just that easy, instant, and deep. I started staying at his place regularly about a month into our relationship. I’ve met most of his best friends, he’s met my family at length, and I’ve met both his parents briefly. We were in the process of nailing down plans for his parents and I to have dinner together. I’m sure I could come up with other ways that we jumped into things because of our feelings, but just know that had I been in my own apartment I think we’d still be playing house to this day and things would be fine. But circumstances suck, and so do I, so here we are.

I’ve also been dealing with some worker’s comp things at my job. I’ve consistently been the one in our relationship who has pointed out when his anxieties about our relationship are getting out of hand, and who has actively made plans to make things better, and to talk on the phone about us, and about his issues, and made our meetings happen. Normally, I would see this as a failure of my partner, because it goes both ways (and believe me, I would appreciate it greatly if he would be a more active participant in making plans), but I do it because his anxieties have a tendency to paralyze him, and make him think the world is going to end, and there’s no point in even trying, and I don’t hold this against him at all. And once he enters that spiral, I’ve always plucked his ass right out of it, or at least sat with him to prove that I’m not going anywhere. Granted, that got exponentially harder when I couldn’t actually physically sit with him. But still. Back to worker’s comp, the structure of how all of that works combined with the immense pain I’ve consistently been in has made me sort of lose my edges a bit. I’m more malleable, more prone to just go along with things. Less likely, and less able to be the one with a backbone about staying together even though it’s hard (and oh boy is it hard).

I should also mention that Boy only just recently started his job, which, according to him, is when the brunt of the anxieties that caused him to be in this mindset started. He now works Monday thru Friday, Usually from 8-5 (with a 1 hour lunch break in there), and that means he’s up from ~6 AM-10 PM. I, again, work Wednesday thru Saturday, 4 PM-2 AM, which puts my schedule to being up from ~1 PM-4 AM. Technically speaking, we don’t have time Wed-Fri that we can talk to each other, because of work, but I’m a terrible employee [read: fighter of capitalism] and text him on the clock. Additionally, Saturday is the only day we can really talk at length on the phone, and Sunday is the only day we can visit one another. An activity that is made harder by the fact that we are both living with our parents right now. So, if we want to spend ~quality alone time~ together, we have to get a hotel, which we can only really afford out where I live, which is less fun because there’s less to do outside of the hotel. He’s also been exposed, with this job, to a bunch of young twenty and thirty-somethings who are out living their best single bachelor life. Well, I can only assume that, because that’s what he cited when we broke up. But, if I had to guess, there are also a fair amount in relationships. Because statistics.

Boy also has this idea that he needs to be a fully fledged adult with like a mortgage and a cemented career before he can be allowed to settle down. I think this stems from his need to experience things combined with the common media portrayal of men being chronically debaucherous well into their early 30′s when they have a mortgage and are established. So, being apart so much has created this storm of him being insecure about himself and us, and me just going along with things and not planning us meeting. At all. Now, he’d been handling this pretty well up until recently, but, a couple weeks ago, coinciding with Boy’s new job, I started to notice a change in him. He started to get distant, not tell me things, not talk to me as much, and just get really weird, especially when I would talk about the future. Specifically my/our future.

You see, Boy wants to move to Chicago [the nearest city to us] (that’s a whole separate thing, but we’ll keep it at that). So do I. Have since forever. I also have been wanting to get a new job since the injury that caused my worker’s comp. The only reason I’m staying through worker’s comp (or at least until they send me onto a leave of absence) is it’s easier that way and I make good money at this warehouse. So, it’s better for me to make good money there and just keep saving until I absolutely have to get a new job, either because my case closes or they put me on LOA. Every time I would mention my job hunt, Boy would ask me where. I’d tell him I was looking near where I already live, as the cost of living is lower, and I can’t afford to move out on my own in Chicago. His face would fall a little, and I thought that was weird. It’s not like he had asked me to move in with him in Chicago, or offered to help me find roommates in Chicago. So why was he getting all like that? So, like a dumbass, I asked. I guess you could say I caused this whole thing by opening my own stupid mouth.

I texted Boy, to ask why he had gotten like that recently. We texted briefly about it, and he sounded like he wanted to break up. Not like imminently. It wasn’t an explicit break up text. But it had that vibe. And we agreed that we shouldn’t be texting about serious matters, nor should we be talking while I was at work. So, we scheduled to call on Saturday [9/7], to talk about things, and discuss them. We were also supposed to make plans to see each other on Sunday. Silly me to think it was going to be a discussion, or that we would actually be meeting on Sunday. (I’m going to try to keep the saltiness out of this because I was just as at fault for the lack of discussion, but please permit me that sentece, as I am still quite salty.)

I wrote up action plans, flush with ideas on how to make things better between us. He’d expressed a loneliness, and I recognized my hand in making him feel that way. I came up with things we could do in various places, both here, there, and everywhere in between. I don’t have a car, so I usually take the train, and I had museum free days planned, I had plans for hotels, and schedules for video chats, hell I had drafted texts to my friends to do a raunchy photo shoot (not nude, but risque, as it was something he expressed interest in before). I had plans to at least try. I wasn’t (and still am not) ready to just give up. I had started to grow back a backbone.

But then. He called. He had made up his mind before he even called me as to what he was ready to do. He opened the conversation with “So, how do you feel about taking a break?” (Answer: I think it’s a pussy way to break up, and I told him that verbatim.)

And I folded, like a deck of cards. Every bit of tenacity I’d built up in the days prior faded instantly, and I felt helpless. I didn’t want to force him into anything, and I forgot that a relationship is an open dialogue, not a one sided thing. I didn’t fight for him, and looking back I think he wanted me to. He wanted me to pull off that which I normally do: reminding him that we are fucking worth the hassle. He said that things were hard, and (and this wording is important) “[he wasn’t] able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.” That’s the wording he used time and again. Not that there wasn’t a light. Not that he didn’t think it was there. Just that he couldn’t see it.

And here starts the opinions, mixed with more explanation because I don’t know when to stop ranting.

I didn’t take note of that wording during the argument, because I immediately got lost in a storm of “wow, we fucked up royally and now we’re gonna lose someone again because there ain’t shit we can do to stop him from leaving because everyone leaves”. And yes, the run on sentence was intended. But either way, that wording, upon even minor reflection, has stuck with me. Because that wording is a cry for help. I know him, and his neuroses, and that wording, which he repeated, without change, was his way of begging me to help him see the light. He couldn’t have gotten more obvious without literally begging me. And I feel guilty for not seeing it, because I should have. He told me, almost verbatim, that he didn’t want to break up. He also said that he wants to, I don’t remember the exact wording but it was similar to try again just with different connotations, sometime in the future when things would be easier. And I accepted that. I’m not going to keep restating my guilt about letting myself be walked all over when I knew how important standing up for us was within the context of Boy’s anxieties, so just assume that whenever I accept things blindly that there’s an unhealthy dose of guilt there.

I just let it happen, and assumed that there was nothing I could say so I shouldn’t waste my breath. And I cried like a common 1950′s Disney princess  for about 24-36 hours. (No shade, I love those girls. They’re just like way dramatic and usually cry about things instead of fixing them, and that’s not normally my style.)

Which isn’t to say that I don’t hold Boy at fault. I do. He also gave into his brain goblins. He knows I’m in a rough spot, and he couldn’t manage a couple of weeks of being a rock while I get back to my old self. And, while I understand how it happened, and I can’t get too pissed, that doesn’t mean I’m happy about it. He also has neglected to tell me how he’s feeling for about a month, which led to the deterioration of our relationship to the point it got. There’s more, but I don’t want this to turn into a pissed-off-at-Boy thing. Long story short: we were both full of absolute shit on Saturday, but I could only really cry about my hand in it. And OH BOY did I cry.

But then I had a come-to-jesus moment, so to speak, and here come the real opinions.

What I realized was that our ‘breakup’, while perfectly reasonable to some, was utter bullshit to me. Yes, I had every right and expectation to just accept the wishes of my SO, but I never once thought to open a dialogue about it, which is also within my rights. I’m not saying fight, I’m not saying coerce, I’m just saying talk. If he was having problems with how we were, I had every right to ask what they were, and see if I had any means of making them better. It’s what actually should have been expected, if we’re being honest. Because “Hey, things are hard, let’s break up.” is *NOT* how you end a 9 month long relationship. You talk about why things are hard. You decide whether the good outweighs the bad currently, and whether you feel you can reasonably proceed. This is, of course, assuming this is a friendlier breakup. Cheating SO’s need not compare themselves to this framework. Although.... I guess you could in a way.... NO. I don’t have time for that. Anyway.

But I didn’t open a dialogue. I let my brain goblins (long story) control my actions every bit as much as he did. And, as the more emotionally aware part of our duo, I’m ashamed because I know better. Not only is in not healthy, but that doesn’t align with who I am as a person. As I like to say, I am not the girl who just sits idly by and lets the world happen to her. I am not the girl who lets people walk all over her, and people make decisions for her. I am the pure BITCH who stands up for what she believes in. I am the one who fights til she is bruised, bloody, and broken for what and who she loves. I go to war to keep what I have earned, and who I want in my life. And I failed Boy in not being that person. And now I can’t force a dialogue open. I lost my chance, maybe forever.

It might not help that I sent a novel length text to him, offering him a week long grace period where we could pick things back up, no harm no foul. He might not appreciate it, I don’t know because he hasn’t responded yet. But I don’t care either way. First off, he would always tell me how much he loves my bluntness. How I call people out on their shit, how I speak my mind, how I always tell the complete, often ugly, truth. And I guess that message will test that love. Because I don’t think that my bluntness has ever been so pointedly focused on him. Not in this way, at this length, at least. And what can I say, if the message turned an open door with no one in front of it into a closed, deadbolted door, then it wasn’t a door I wanted open anyway. Because I need someone who not just wants but needs my fiery passion and tendency for the dramatic and lengthy exchange of dialogue. Second, it was the only thing that was ever going to open a dialogue back up, so I don’t regret it one bit.

As for the relation of romantic relationships and mental illness (which I know I promised), I’ll start with this. Brain goblins happen to everyone, mentally ill or healthy. They’re gonna happen when you’re in a relationship at some point. You’re going to be in the middle of a shitstorm and look at your partner and a brain goblin is gonna whisper in your subconscious Hey, just dumping them would be easier. Or maybe they’re going to tell you that you might as well jump ship before you get left. Or maybe they’re going to tell you that the cons of the situation you’re in aren’t outweighed by the positive things that the person brings to your life. But giving in to those thoughts isn’t the way to go. You deserve love, even if you are mentally ill. You deserve to look at something and say, Hey, yeah, things suck right now, and maybe I don’t deserve this person, maybe they don’t deserve me right now. But I love them, and WE deserve to give our love another chance. 

Which isn’t to say that doing that is always the reasonable or possible choice when you’re mentally ill. Brain goblins are bound to get ahold of the control panel sometimes. Sometimes it might even be what you think you want, or what you think is best. And that has a tendency to make things reeeeaaaaally hard in a romantic relationship. Because they’re full of ups and downs, and they’re like a combo between the world’s most complex escape room (bad analogy on the surface but just wait) and a roller coaster. There are crazy ups and downs, and you are constantly having to make choices and hope that they’re the right ones and that they’re positive and healthy. And that can get overwhelming, and can make you susceptible to brain goblin takeovers, especially when your relationship is in a rough space. And brain goblins, while usually well intentioned, are often simple creatures who think more in terms of trauma and fight-or-flight than long term planning. They’re not that good at thinking in terms of “This is hard right now, but it will get better”, they think more in terms of “This is hard. This is like that one time we got really badly hurt. Let’s run away before we can get hurt again”. Actually, that’s much better grammar than brain goblins usually use. Let me know if you want a whole post about brain goblins and how I use them within the spectrum of my mental illness. I might write one anyway for shits and giggles, but I’d love to know if someone else wanted to hear about it.

I guess what I’m taking a really long time to say is this: No matter how hard it is, don’t lose yourself, because you never know how important that moment is going to be. Mental illness is a tough thing, and it’s complex and hard. But there’s still a whole you in there. And you deserve the happiness that a relationship can bring, if you choose to be in one. And it really sucks to let mental illness overtake and ruin that. But yeah, I suck at talking about overarching, general mental illness. So I don’t want to go on too much because each case is different.

So yeah. There’s my rant. Sorry it’s so long, but I had a lot to get off my chest.

#me #personal #relationships #breakup #mental illness #anxiety #depression

[andipxndy-writes]

I Don’t Care - Sam & Kat

[[I wrote a new thing! So basically Ed Sheeran’s new album is amazing and I have a fave song on the album, which 100% reminded me of how Sam feels about Kat. Obviously, Sam isn’t mine (they belong to @a-simple-rper), but I love them a lot and these cuties deserve a fic together because Rick and Laura get too much attention.

So yeah, basically I’ve been listening to this song a lot, and even though Sam can’t sing to save their life, I will always love how this song represents how they feel for Kat.

Edited to completion! Enjoy!]]

---

I Don’t Care

Sam hated dressing up.

No, not dressing up as in Halloween costumes. They meant dressing up as in a suit and a tie. Dressing in a “monkey suit”, as Jake called it, was extremely uncomfortable, from the tight pants to the stiff collar and the tie that felt like it was cutting off their circulation. They would never voluntarily wear something like this. Not if they had a choice.

Except for, you know, the annual Martins family dinner party.

It wasn’t a thing they usually went to. In fact, Kat and Laura rarely went to it themselves, preferring to stay away from their uptight and toxic aunts and probably keep that toxicity away from their own kids. Which Sam completely understood – they would never forgive that cousin Lara for regularly calling them a piece of shit in front of other family members (not literally, because she always had a posh way of saying it), and they were honestly so glad that she was now very intimidated by the twins and their total ability to beat her up with no remorse.

Standing to the side of the room, their eyes scanned over the various people milling about the room at the party. It wasn’t hard to spot Rick and Laura in the crowd (he was a whole foot taller than everyone else in the room), the pair of them speaking to a couple of Laura’s male cousins. They remembered Kat mentioning something about them being involved in catering, or something to do with food, and obviously Rick and Laura were an amazing power couple who ran their own bar with food business together, so of course they’d want to have a conversation with them. Probably about business stuff.

Jake and Allie were also in a conversation with some of Kat’s relatives, and it was easy to see that they'd fit right in. With them both being British (poster accent and all), and Allie even knowing how to interact with people of upper social classes (clearly something that Sam lacked), it was easier for them to just integrate and get accepted. Heck, they looked like they fit right in with Jake looking almost like a natural in his suit and Allie looking elegant in her dress.

And Kat, well, she was looking as beautiful as ever, laughing with what looked to be some aunts and uncles. Sam had felt so awkward in that conversation, not really knowing what they were on about, that they’d excused themselves to go to the toilet and just hadn’t returned. And they doubted that anyone noticed they were missing anyway.

They just really didn’t want to be there. They’d rather be at home with the twins, taking care of and playing with them whilst Kat dealt with her family. They didn't really like them, and the sentiment was returned, honestly. If Sam was the punk that knocked up Katherine and possibly hindered her career in research, then they were the stuck up asshats that couldn’t realise when there was genuine love in their relationship.

Standing at the side of the room, sipping on a glass of champagne (how freaking arrogant) as they watched everyone, they seriously considered telling Kat that they were going to head off. As much as they loved her... they felt so out of place in this room that it hurt.

They didn’t notice that she’d left her conversation until they realised their drink had been taken from their hand, and Kat was stood there, knocking it back before placing the empty glass on a nearby table. They stared at her, confused.

“What are you—?”

“You look dead bored,” she responded bluntly, turning to them with a smile on her face. “Plus, this party is a little more on the dull side. My mom’s sisters are all pretty stuck up in a way, but they’re not all too bad, and neither are my uncles. Plus, my cousins aren’t all like Lara.”

“Really?” They were doubtful of that, and Kat could clearly see it on their face. She sighed in response, deciding to just take their hands and squeeze them a little.

“Mom wanted to speak with you,” Kat said softly, changing the topic of conversation. “Apparently she’s been wanting to speak with you all night, but you keep disappearing...”

They gave a guilty smile at that. “Really? Thought I’d stick out like a sore thumb...”

“Oh come on, Sammy, don’t be like that...”

He pursed his lips and looked away. “Where’s she sat?” they asked, avoiding the look on Kat's face. They did not need her “don’t pity yourself” looks right then. Maybe a talk with mom would do them some good.

“At that table, over there.” Kat pointed over to a table where Sam could clearly see her mom sat. With her husband. Having a conversation.

They suddenly didn’t feel like going over. Not with Kat’s dad there too.

“Should I wait a little longer...?”

“Nah, she’s fine. Just go.” At the look they gave her, she sighed. “Dad won’t bite your head off. Go and sit next to mom and speak with her.”

Sam still looked very reluctant to do so, but walked over there anyway, appearing very nervous as they sat down next to Jane. “Hey, mom...”

Jane paused her conversation and turned from where she was talking with her husband to smile brightly at Sam. “Oh, Sam! Wonderful! When did you get there?”

Before they could answer, Phil stood, not sending Sam a single glance as he straightened his suit and brushed it down. “I’m off to get another drink and mingle,” he said stiffly, before walking off.

Jane pursed her lips as she watched her husband, sighing through her nose.

“He really doesn’t like me, huh?” Sam asked, the smile on their face a little on the sad side. It didn’t matter that they and Kat were now thinking of getting married and being completely committed to each other, or that they were the father to his grandchildren, or even that they were trying hard to juggle being a dad with longer bar shifts so that they could put more into the college fund. Phil Banks just didn’t like Sam a single bit.

Jane glanced at Sam, ready to defend her husband and say that he really did like Sam, but seeing the look on their face made her hold her tongue. And her lack of an answer just made them look down at the table, deflated, before they began to push themselves away from the table.

“I think I might just tell Kat I’m picking up the kids and heading home...”

“Before we’ve had our conversation?”

Sam paused in their movements to look over at Jane, seeing something like a teasing look in her eyes. A teasing look that meant she’d caught them out and they were going to do as she told them to. That same teasing look they’d received from Kat many a time, and they'd spotted Rick being on the receiving end himself a few times from Laura right before he quit slacking and took his turn in caring for the kids.

So, sighing, they sat back down, turning to face Jane, leaning on the table. Looking mildly miffed, they waited for her to speak.

“So, how’s work been recently?”

They pursed their lips at that. Small talk? “It's been good. I’ve been behind the bar a bit more, what with the triplets getting older. Rick has more daddy duties.”

Jane gave a chuckle at that. “Oh, that I don’t doubt. Laura wouldn’t let him slack a single bit. Always making sure people do their share of the work.” Her smile widened as she moved on to her next topic, looking a bit more excited. “And my first grandbabies? How are little Annabelle and Tyler?”

“Growing fast.” Sam finally cracked a smile, thinking of their babies – well, they were more like pre-schoolers now, but they would always be their babies. “Anna is reading anything and everything now – we actually found her trying to read a draft of one of Kat’s papers in her study the other day. And Tyler is growing so tall so quickly.” They let out a chuckle. “He can’t still for a second.”

Jane laughed at that. “That definitely reminds me of George.” Ah yes, the family fireman. The first to study a non-academic subject. Though it paved the way for the younger cousins, definitely.

Sam glanced over at the older brother of the twins, who appeared to be having a very animated conversation with some cousins and making them laugh. Yeah... that was very Tyler. They could see that.

Before they could say anything else, though, Jane spoke again, her smile softening.

“It’s okay to not fit in here, Sam.”

They turned to her suddenly, a frown on their face. “...What?”

“It’s okay to not fit in. Everyone talks about everyone, and you don’t really get much privacy with three nosy sisters and their well-off husbands.”

“Is that meant to be comforting?” they asked sarcastically, not looking amused at all. “That just means everyone knows about me.” And how terrible I am for Kat.

“And they’re comparing Kat to me.” She leaned closer to Sam, lowering her voice. “Right down to the choice in partner.”

Sam paused, blinking. Well, they hadn’t expected that one. “...Huh?”

Jane gave an almost conspiratory smirk at that. “Oh yes. Phil was exactly like you when we got married – not really focused on education, but passionate about his own things that my family didn’t get. Elizabeth was the worst at the time, always gossiping and bad mouthing about him, but then he went into business and he just shot up in his career, and they couldn’t say or do anything. Not when I had a husband who built his own success, and three absolutely beautiful children.” She placed a hand on their arm. “Stop caring and take your own path. Kat is so happy with you. My sisters don’t care about that, but my goodness is she happy. And I’ve got five incredible grandchildren, as well as two more children – more than any of my sisters have.” She then lowered her voice to a whisper. ��You’re my favourite, though. Don’t tell Rick I said that.”

Sam grinned at that, finally feeling a bit more relaxed. Like Kat, Jane always had a way of making them feel at home around her, even if it felt more like her simply being a mom to them too. Even with her heightened intellect, she had a way of being down to earth and bubbly.

Just like their Kat.

Just as they were opening their mouth to thank Jane – God, was she a great mom or what? – they felt another hand on their arm, this one pulling them out of their seat. They looked up at see Kat grinning down at them, her eyes bright and excited.

“Come dance!”

“Dance?” Their eyes widened. “Here?”

“It’ll be fun!”

“But—” Glancing over at a smiling Jane, her words came to mind again.

It’s okay to not fit in. Stop caring and take your own path.

Groaning – more to play up the whole reluctance act than anything – they let her pull them up and away from Jane. Shooting the woman a glance as they were pulled away, they smiled widely as she waved at them.

Stopping in the middle of the room, surrounded by numerous cousins, aunts and uncles who were just watching them with interest, Kat turned to them and placed her hands on their shoulders, leaving them to place their hands on her hips as they swayed slowly to the music.

“So, what did mom want to talk to you about?” Kat asked curiously as they moved. Sam’s eyes drifted upwards in faux thought.

“Mmm... not telling.”

“What? Oh, come on...”

They grinned down at her. “Nope. Not tellin'.”

“Sammy...”

They chuckled, leaning down to kiss her softly. “Hey, how about we spice up this party a little?” they murmured to her, a cheeky glint in their eyes. Which made Kat narrow her own.

“How...?” she asked hesitantly.

“Well, the music for one could put even Tyler to sleep. So let’s fix that. Then we could break out the good stuff at the back of the bar.”

“Oh my God, Sam, this isn’t a bar party.”

“You’re right. A bar party would be better.”

“You know, people are gonna stare...”

Sam just grinned widely at her, before spinning her and dipping her with a flourish, making her laugh. They leaned down close to her, brushing their lips against hers.

“I don’t care.”

#universe development: the simple life #muse development: kat banks #written for: asimplerper #writing: mine #writing: rp writings #//mama banks is a queen and we love her

[impracticaldemon]

What's your opinion on heichi and okichi?

Thank you for asking, Anon-san! (I’d actually been thinking about these two pairings recently).  I’ve now rewritten my answer for HeiChi four times - in between drafting my new Teachings of Demons chapter - which is why I’m a few days late responding.  Basically, I have mixed feelings about both OkiChi and HeiChi, but for totally different reasons.  The whole response needs to be cut down more, but alas, I’m out of time! Gomenasai.

Standard disclaimer:  I truly don’t mind other opinions/views on pairings, unless they’re hurtful or disrespectful.  Different people like different things, and I’m good with that.  I’ve written solid stories for all the original Hakuouki characters, and that’s how I show my belief that all the characters and pairings have value.

OkiChi:  

Summary ~ I still don’t really ship OkiChi, because I struggle a lot with the threats and put-downs early to mid story, and because I think Souji is too emotionally invested in Kondou to be a good partner for Chizuru.  The power imbalance is especially problematic in this route, because Souji deliberately points out Chizuru’s weaknesses on several occasions (for reasons - he’s a complicated guy - but still, not cool). That said, OkiChi makes for an interesting and dramatic relationship and story, and the second half of the route is rather lovely, as well as moving. A pairing where Chizuru has to provide a ton of affection/reassurance just to create the relationship - but the upside is high.  Hakuouki Shinkai (KW & EB) does a better job of providing a transition/basis for Chizuru going from “I’m terrified of him” to “I love him”.

HeiChi:

Summary ~ Objectively, I see this as a cute ship, with a number of things going for it; that said, HeiChi doesn’t resonate with me personally.  I like Heisuke, and I like Chizuru, but… I don’t feel the romantic chemistry. That’s probably on me, but it’s not that I haven’t thought about it.  I just think Heisuke is more complicated than he appears.  His gorgeous sunshine smile hides pain and indecisiveness.

Pros:  Heisuke is kind to Chizuru almost from the start, he’s friendly (she needs that so much!), the power imbalance is much less, and he likes her a lot. They have more in common than the others.  He clearly matures over the route. There is open love, trust, and support later in the route, and it’s very sweet.  Cons:  Heisuke has a lot of growing up to do, and while he’s very sincere, he’s also very self-focused (for perfectly normal reasons). His choice to go with Itou always struck me as very telling. Totally different from OkiChi, but still has a real turning point mid-game. There’s a lot going on with Heisuke, much of which conflicts with having a real awareness of Chizuru until much later (and only after being forced out of his own head a little).   

[More discussion of both pairings below the cut]

My subjective opinion on OkiChi (i.e., how I react personally) is far less negative than it once was.  Part of the change is getting to know so many interesting and well-spoken people who love both Souji and OkiChi (waves ♥), and part of it is that Kyoto Winds provided a slightly softer take on the initial relationship.  I can write OkiChi, it just means I have to make an effort with my head-space to do it justice.

For me, OkiChi stands or falls by whether you find Souji, and Souji’s brand of teasing, to be attractive.  It doesn’t work for me, because although I can see that some of what Souji does stems from genuine vulnerability - or just a sense of fun - I personally react badly to teasing of almost any kind from somebody in such an unassailable position of power. When part of that teasing involves threats of bodily harm, I kind of check out.  

I’m also uncomfortable with OkiChi because Souji uses put-downs that add to Chizuru’s already significant insecurity about being a burden - he tells her to eat up “even though she’s a freeloader” who does nothing to earn her food (a big deal at the time), and he calls her “useless” more than once.  This bothers me more than it does other people.  Bottom line:  Souji needs a lot of reassurance and no-demand affection, and Chizuru has to be very consistent and very forgiving. Her character is capable of it, and it’s not an uncommon otome set-up, but it’s not for me, and I’m not convinced that it’s good for Chizuru (in the short to medium term).

My objective opinion is that the initial part of the relationship is still highly problematic (for the reasons given above), but I can see it happening, as long as you assume a significant romantic and physical attraction on the part of Chizuru to Souji, despite his behaviour (which she describes as frightening).  Once Souji starts to trust Chizuru - which is a realistically slow process, but happens reasonably early on an unconscious level - he finally starts to see her more as a person than as a threat.  Eventually, he becomes genuinely devoted to her, even to the point of screwing up by not killing Kaoru when he first has the chance (with horrible results, but it shows a massive shift on Souji’s part in terms of how much he cares about Chizuru’s happiness).  

I also agree with those who’ve noted that Chizuru is tremendously important to Souji / Souji’s story.  His bad endings are very bad, and all too believable; Chizuru’s uncompromising, steady-as-a-rock affection and belief in Souji’s importance and good character are pretty much all Souji has to go on after Kondou-san dies. It makes the route rather different than the others, because Souji abandons the Shinsengumi completely at that point (after punching Hijikata, ofc), and makes Chizuru the focus of his actions and future plans. 

Things that make Chizuru’s initial (and necessary) early crush work for me:  (1) Souji is unusually attractive in a tall, well-built, emerald-eyed way, and has the classic “bad boy” charm and mischievous sense of fun; (2) Souji is an emotional guy, and I headcanon Chizuru as highly empathic - consequently, Chizuru is able to sense his carefully-hidden wounds when most don’t - this gives her the impetus to keep trying to reach out to him in the face of death threats, put-downs, and rejection; (3) Souji is interesting, and Chizuru is shown to have a lot of curiosity; (4) Chizuru is a loyal little soul, and admires loyalty - Souji’s loyalty to the Kondou-san would go a long way with her; (5) Chizuru notices the things Souji does that don’t entirely align with his “kill you any day now” rhetoric - including saving her life when she first goes on patrol with him.

So:  I don’t ship OkiChi, but I mind it less now, and have some solid strengths to build on when writing.

Assuming you’re still reading… >_

HeiChi:

I have oddly mixed feelings about HeiChi.  I say “oddly”, because this should be an obvious (i.e., good) ship, even aside from being a canon / main route.  Short answer:  HeiChi makes a lot of sense to me, and Heisuke’s a good guy, but I think this pairing is more complex and maybe a bit less perfect than it appears (which is pretty human).  It’s not a personal favourite (subjectively), but they’re very sweet. ♥

Longer answer:

Heisuke is very taken with Chizuru early on, and he is the closest to her in age. [Saitō and Heisuke are both 19, but Saitō gives every impression of being at least a couple of years older.]  Among the positives: Heisuke comes across as the cheerful one of the bunch, and he definitely has the most brilliant smile; he also conveys a sense of innocence and optimism.  He helps Chizuru to feel less lonely.  Main points:  Heisuke treats Chizuru well, and looks out for her; he enjoys and seeks out her company; there is noticeably less of a power imbalance between them than with the others.  Heisuke is the one who most obviously cares about protecting Chizuru’s innocence (something which he also tried to do for Ibuki Ryunosuke).

So why am I ambivalent?

[Time passes while Imp tries to write and rewrite this part of her answer.]

… Okay, here’s what I’ve got:

Heisuke lives a lot inside his head, for all that he appears to be action-oriented.  He’s outwardly cheerful, but inwardly trying desperately to makes sense of his life, his feelings, and his ambitions.  He can be very sweet and generous, but also very inward-looking and at times melodramatic.  

Despite having some kind of romantic or affectionate feelings for Chizuru early on, Heisuke chooses to leave the Shinsengumi with Itou on a permanent basis roughly two years after Chizuru arrives.  While he regrets leaving Chizuru, that regret feels very muted to me. Heisuke’s conversation with Chizuru before he leaves is mostly about himself and what he’s doing; it reflects his main preoccupation, which boils down to figuring out what’s important to him through the exercise of his own judgment.  

I think the game has it right - that’s where he’s at, and staying with the Shinsengumi would be a mistake.  He needs to get away from the two older “brothers” who tend not to take him seriously, and “parent” Hijikata, who ends up scolding a lot, and truly doesn’t have time to listen to his inward struggles.  Heisuke only comes back to the Shinsengumi under adverse circumstances (even though he’s disenchanted with Itou after a while, he stays loyal to his choice until the next-to-last minute), and he subsequently becomes preoccupied with being a “monster”. My point is that there isn’t a lot of room for him to focus on Chizuru in there.  He thinks she’s cute, and nice, and should be treated better; he worries about her, and still wants to be with her and give her what comfort he can.  But his ability to fully perceive what she’s dealing with is restricted.

Ultimately, Chizuru is the one to save Heisuke, by dragging him out of his fugue and forcing him to pay attention to things outside his developing self-loathing.  She slaps him because he keeps trying to make decisions for her about how she feels, and what’s best for her, and he’s still not seeing the full/real Chizuru.  After that, Heisuke begins to be more thoughtful (not just affectionate), and agrees to lean on Chizuru more, which is good for both of them.  Chizuru makes sure that Heisuke understands that to her he’s an important person, and somebody she relies on. 

Final verdict:  It’s a cute ship, with lots of potential to be very loving. It doesn’t have serious negatives, although for me it lacks something romantically for quite a long time.  Heisuke struggles with a lot of insecurity, and tends to alternate between looking inward for “the answers”, and looking outward for validation. That makes him easy for many of us to relate to, but puts a lot of burden on Chizuru.  Even after all of this, I don’t know what part of my reaction to HeiChi is personal bias/preferences, and what part is based on objective analysis.  I do know that it’s both.

To those who have come this far, thank you for reading!  I hope that I didn’t disappoint too many of you with my rambling.  In my defense, my inability to keep things simple means I can write my stories from different perspectives and keep them consistent!

~ Imp

#hakuouki #heichi #okichi #little demon chats #anon asks #asked and answered #oof!