#And that they couldn’t have been all that bad because they respected my asexuality and hadn’t shown signs of disrespecting those boundaries

[gay-dorito-dust]

could you do asexual reader x Jason Todd headcanons?

I know this hdc won’t resonate for most in the ace community, cuz it’s a spectrum, but I hopes it at least resonates with some, even if it’s one person. That’s more enough for me. (Also sorry for the shit writing as usual)

Jason doesn’t mind that you’re asexual. You were still you at the end of the day, so he doesn’t understand why some people tend to make a big deal out of it.

It’s not like you being asexual was hurting anyone but he guessed that some people just harbour vast amounts of hate for things they don’t/refuse to understand bc they’ve been conditioned into thinking that it’s a bad thing.

Others are just cunts that Jason gladly beats the piss out of in your honour. (Acephobes plz die disrespectfully thanks)

He will not tolerate any sort of disrespect towards you and needless to say having a six foot something man who’s built like an absolute tank is enough to silence those types of people rather quickly.

He’s more then willing to do this for anyone that you knew who was ace, aro, or was in the LGBTQIA community in general, that he becomes a someone that a lot of them could come to when in need of help, or was just in need of a safe space.

He’s unbothered by it because as long as he’s helping someone in need, he’s more than willing to offer his shoulder for them to cry on.

(I just like the idea of Jason being a protector of LGBTQIA youths.)

After all he once took joy in beating the absolute piss out of a biphobe for Tim. Sure he may not have a great relationship with his siblings, but he’s not one to ignore when they’re being treated like shit for being who they were.

He respects your boundaries and will always ask whether or not it was okay for him to kiss you, to which you’d always have to tell him that it was more then okay for him to kiss you.

He understands that asexuality was a spectrum and would ask which part of the spectrum you were apart of, and acts in accordance to make sure that you’re more than comfortable in your relationship.

He’s always finding ways to constantly learn about asexuality and more. He’s even got a whole bookshelf dedicated to LGBTQIA history because he wants to better himself and do right by you and other people who look up to him to protect them. He takes that shit seriously.

He just loves you very much and wants you to feel as though you could tell him anything that’s bothering you and he’ll gladly bring you its head if you’d like just to prove it.

If you are okay with kisses and the like, be prepared to be swarmed by it at every possible opportunity with this teddy bear, for he will smother your face in kisses as he holds you against him, smiling upon hearing you laugh and poor attempts in pushing him away. It’s a highlight of his day because when you’re happy, he’s happy.

You don’t like sex? That’s okay! He’ll make you have Junk food dates with him where you stuff your faces either pizza with stuffed crust (you can eat it in reverse) and garlic bread and watch shitty movies as you cuddle on the couch.

You: you don’t think I’m broken?

Jason; no. Why, who’s told you that you were broken because it’s a bunch of bullshit. You’re the most important person in my life and I’d do just about anything for you, no matter how big or small it may seem because at the end of the day I want to see you happy. So listen to me sweetheart and listen good, you are not broken. You are perfection incarnate in my eyes, you are everything I could’ve hoped to have by my side for you’ve never judged me, so I don’t see why I should judge you for being your truest self. Thats a bit hypocritical don’t you think?

Jason: So don’t ever think you’re broken when you’re far from it, you are whole and you are more than enough. I don’t care if we have sex on occasion or not at all, your happiness is all I care about. I want you to be happy for the rest of our lives together because now I’ve got you I’m not letting you go. Ever. I couldn’t care less about anything else but when it concerns you, I’d move mountains to make things better for you. I love you chipmunk, please don’t ever feel like you’re broken when you’re so much more than that, and I’ll spend the rest of my life proving it.

#dc imagine #dc x reader #dc x you #dc fanfic #dc fic #dc comics x reader #dc x y/n #dc fanfiction #jason todd imagines #jason todd x reader #jason todd imagine #jason todd fluff #jason todd fanfic #jason todd fanfiction #jason todd fic #jason todd x you #red hood x you #red hood imagine #red hood x reader #red hood imagines

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for setting a boundary on a Minecraft server that I didn’t want to interact with one of the admins after he quit my partner’s dnd campaign?

I (20, nonbinary) was on a lgbtq+ discord and had become friends with a trans guy (henceforth referred to as A) who was a minor. This was easy to forget as he made raunchy jokes, got drunk and high on call, and I have horrible memory issues (so I often opt to just remember people’s names and topics I should avoid around them via making little notes.)

We would very often end up in a vc together with others from the server, including our respective partners, chilling, playing games, sharing fun things we found. (His partner will henceforth be referred to as B, and mine as C) (I had known his partner before from another server and was happy to see them getting along then eventually getting together)

(C especially would always give advice like “if you’re drinking, make sure to eat/get some carbs, drinking on an empty stomach is bad!” Because they love researching medical effects to make their writing and worldbuilding feel more realistic)

There were a handful of incidents where I believe I was the asshole

I loved showing off games and musicals to people, and this has the unfortunate effect of sometimes unintentionally saying words that anger people.

Incident 1) I was playing a game and mindlessly saying location names- and I got a dm- I pause to glance at it- and I got a message saying “hey remember [redacted] is A’s deadname and he’s uncomfortable that you keep saying it”. I pause, make a mental note of “but. It. Wasn’t directed at him?” Then continue playing, dodging saying the name for the rest of my time showing the game.

Incident 2) I was showing off a musical I like- and there’s a cute scene where a character suggests a name for another character, saying that they don’t need it anymore, and it just so happened to be A’s deadname again.

Incident 3) I was playing Sea of Thieves solo- and struggling. I’d been hit by lightning, and now was being attacked by a shark. A and B were making fun of the fact I had slipped into an accent out of sheer panic so I (enraged and not thinking at all) said “I’ll name the damn shark after you, fillet and gut it!” (A really likes sharks. I also like sharks but apparently not as much as him)

(I apologized for this on call later, saying that I was emotional and mad, and if I’d been thinking I wouldn’t have said that. I also apologized for the previous incident about the deadname)

A and B had also joined C’s dnd campaign alongside another one of our mutual friends, D (who did not leave the campaign, but that’s not important right now). I have reason to believe C told the others they couldn’t be either of the two classes I said my character thought they were, but I don’t know. Things went great (or so I thought) we got some plot trails (one connected to the race of my character, one being D’s character’s family) and everything seemed fine- A was flirting with a lot of the enemies and NPCS (C found the character arts via google images and unfortunately ‘attractive’ seems to be a main character design commonality)

Then one day, I woke up to check the campaign discord because of a ping and noticed both A and B had left the server and there was no new messages- confused, I hopped into call with C- who explained that A had dropped a long list of accusations about Myself and C, essentially insulting us and accusing us of things like ‘sending NSFW things to kids’, ‘acting like the victim’, ‘naming a character A’s deadname’, ‘DM favouritism’, and a whole bunch of other things. I was- shocked.

(A also apparently messaged D and said something like “sorry for ending the campaign like that, if you want to use your character you can always write with me!” And got angry when D said they didn’t leave the campaign.)

(C is also a generally sex-repulsed Asexual. They were forcing themself to become more comfortable with it because of A’s raunchy jokes)

This was followed by some harassment from A and B.

A tried publicly calling out C on social media (which C had only used to make a single post sharing something they had made for someone’s art/design) for “sending nsfw things to minors” and on another platform for “being a fake ass bitch”, as well as both of them heckling a new haircut I’d been nervous but excited to try and get for years and just figured out how to ask for (responses such as “omg no ew why would you do that”), as well as A saying “no I don’t” a picture I shared of C and I going to see a musical together with the caption “you wish you were here!” (All were shared and reacted to publicly on the discord server)

(To be fair about the haircut- the stylist had cut part of it a little too short and it made my face look especially chubby)

This is where I start to feel less like the asshole

So I went on the discord for the Minecraft server and said “hey, I don’t feel comfortable interacting with A after the allegations they’ve been making”. A immediately got defensive and angry about me saying “allegations” and kicked me from the discord before I could defend myself (and C).

I explained the situation to the admin of the server we’d met on, who also owned the Minecraft server, and apologized to them that they had to moderate. Both A and I lost our mod privileges on the discord, and I also found out A had been given multiple “cease and desist”s for… saying/sharing vulgar/nearly nsfw things on the discord before. And they did it again. The reason they were never banned or kicked was that the admin had made it in hopes that A would make friends.

Now. To a part that still horrifies me.

A legitimately found out C’s mom’s number, and called her to insist that C sent NSFW things to minors. (C suspects that they got it from a time C called the police out of genuine concern for A who hadn’t responded to any messages in around a day)

C also told me that the most they had sent A was like. Attractive anime guys from the first page of google images because C really liked big anime man chests. A apparently sent C full on p*rn once.

The problem is- I feel like I was the asshole- even though most of the “incidents” were accidents because I try to not remember someone’s deadname because- it’s? Not their name anymore? And it didn’t help that I genuinely do not remember being told it was their deadname until after incident 1.

Was I the Asshole?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[madsworld15]

Chapter 4, Part 3 of Heal Me, Hold Me, Make Me, Know Me

QAF AU, Brian x Justin, Asexual Spectrum Representation, Series Retelling

As always, my biggest cheerleaders deserve a shout-out: @winderlylandchime @maryp50 and @lostcol

Once they’d settled into their new agreement, Justin seemed much happier, and their conversations returned. Brian felt bad that he had let his ego get in the way of being true to his heart. He really did love having Justin around; it made him feel like he wasn’t going to disappear one day. Brian didn’t ever talk about it with his Liberty Avenue family, but ever since he was a kid, he worried that if someone didn’t appreciate him as he was, he would just stop existing someday. Before Justin, he drank and did drugs as often as he did because it helped him forget his constant worry of not actually being alive.

Brian would never say it out loud to Deb or Michael, or hell, even Ted, but he was actually grateful that Justin insisted they set ground rules for their relationship. He’d always been willing to respect what Justin did or didn’t want from him. So having set in stone boundaries would help him to keep his head on straight without messing up the one good thing going for him. Being a partner at Vanguard was nice and all, but it didn’t spark joy, as Emmett liked to say, in his life. Justin did, no matter how deeply he kept that knowledge hidden under the surface.

Speaking of Emmett, Brian looked up from his computer to find Cynthia approaching his office with Emmett trailing behind her. Brian shook his head at how out of place Emmett looked. His close friend was wearing a pretty tame outfit today, compared to what he normally wore, but his lavender button-down open revealing a dark purple tank underneath was far from what anyone Brian worked with would wear. Even Emmett’s pants made it no secret he was homosexual. After all, no hetero schmuck would be caught dead wearing brown pants that flared at the bottom.

“Hello, Honeycutt,” Brian smirked at the younger man, his eyes alight with mischief.

“Thank you for escorting him, Cyn. Please close the door.”

“Why? Everyone already saw him. You know the rumors are already flying. I’d place big money that most of the art department probably thinks you pay him for sex.”

“I resent that!” Emmett placed a hand on his chest in shock. “I would never.”

“Trust me, Cyn. He means he would never have sex with me, not even for money. He already flaunts his stuff for money on Theodore’s website.” Brian waggled his eyebrows, and Cynthia shook her head with a smile before closing the office door behind her.

Brian waited a beat before he turned to Emmett, who had now sprawled himself into one of Brian’s office chairs.

“So, Em, what brings you here during office hours.” Brian pushed his tongue into his cheek.

“Do you always insist on shocking the straights?” Emmett looked toward the closed door where Brian’s coworkers couldn’t hear what was being said, but the Brunette was acting as though they could.

“I consider it my biggest joy in life.” 

“I would’ve thought that moniker was reserved for Justin.” Emmett gave Brian a knowing look. “Don’t worry. I’m not still mad at you, though I do think you were an asshole for doing it.”

“Yes, I’m aware.” Brian sighed, “Again, I ask, what brings you here.” He didn’t really have time to mess around playing Emmett’s game of being coy. Remson Pharmaceuticals would be arriving this afternoon expecting the perfect ad copy, which was still being finalized, causing Brian a headache.

“So, I met someone.” Emmett smiled and clapped his hands excitedly.

“How is this different from every other day that ends in Y?” Brian looked Emmett up and down, only to discover there was something different about this new guy in Emmett’s life.

“We met because he saw me online and reached out.” Emmett started, and Brian cut him off with a sigh.

“Em! Don’t be stupid. That’s a recipe for disaster or something far worse.”

“Hush. If you’d let me finish, you would know that the man is none other than George Schickle from Schickle’s Pickles. He’s looking for companionship.” Emmett’s voice turned soft and serious. It was like Brian had never heard from Emmett when talking about guys he had sex with. “Which I am more than happy to provide. He’s so kind and funny. I just adore him.”

“How long have you known him?” Brian was wary, especially considering Emmett’s track record for dropping men he “adored” like flies. Emmett wasn’t one to commit, much like Brian. Maybe they were both growing away from all that.

“We’ve been seeing each other for almost two weeks now. I met him not long after Pride weekend. You’re the first to know.” Emmett gave Brian a look and leaned forward, “If Teddy finds out, he will probably prevent me from seeing him. Protecting his business and all that.”

“Yeah, Theodore has been a bit possessive of you lately. I hope he’s paying you what you’re worth.” Brian muttered.

Then he leaned back with a sigh, “So, why are you telling me first? Why not Justin? Wouldn’t it be more conducive to chat with the other housewife of the group?”

“I resent that remark. But, honestly, Justin would never be able to understand how huge this is. Plus, you’re less likely to judge me for shacking up with a man more than twice my age.” Emmett shrugged and then leaned back in his chair as well.

“Oh, do you want me to jump up and down in my chair with excitement?” Brian half-bounced and pretended to clap his hands. The sarcasm was coming in hot, and surprisingly, Emmett wasn’t put off by it.

“If I wanted that, I most definitely would’ve gone to Justin,” Emmett smirked with an eye roll for good measure.

Brian shrugged, leaned his arm on his lap, and turned back to work on his computer. He was actually looking into a computer device that he’d seen in his art department last week. His brain had already forgotten that Emmett was in his office until he looked up and saw the younger man sitting there examining his cuticles. 

“Do you think George would prefer I wear tight shorts instead of pants?” Emmett mumbled, staring at his thighs instead of at Brian.

“Uh…” Brian took a moment to reboot his mind. “I think George is probably happy he can get any at all.” Brian chuckled as Emmett looked up with a glare.

“Can I get your opinion on something?” Brian attempted to turn the conversation to the computer, which he was thinking about presenting to Justin.

“Yes, I do believe your medical ad there needs more men and muscles.” Emmett winked at Brian, motioning to the corkboard propped up to the side of his desk.

Brian dropped his head into his hands and sighed. “No, not about that, but thank you. I was wondering if you thought Justin would get mad if I bought him this computer that he could do art on?”

Brian turned his computer screen around just a bit to give Emmett an opportunity to look at the device he was already set on ordering. Emmett leaned over his desk and gave the image his full attention.

“Will it make him feel like you are trying to change him? That he needs fixing?” Emmett raised his eyebrow.

Brian leaned back. “Fuck. Probably.” With a bite to his lip, he got closer to Emmett once more, “One of our guys in the art department was using one the other day, and I thought it looked like a nice alternative, considering Justin still has hand seizures.” 

“My experience with Justin is that he will be open to a discussion if you present it as an idea, not as a solution. Just talk to him before you make the decision about buying it.” Emmett kissed Brian on his cheek before he skipped out of the office.

That night, Brian decided to forgo Woody’s or Babylon in favor of leaving the office at 6:30 pm and going back to the loft instead. He called ahead and let Justin know he would be coming home soon. Part of Brian did this because it made him feel warm inside, knowing that someone cared whether or not he came home at night, let alone took care of himself. Another part did it because he wanted to be sure Justin wouldn’t be terrified of him the moment he returned, considering the young man was still startled at unexpected people in his space.

When he arrived home with his briefcase in hand, Brian smelled food cooking even before opening his door. Once he had entered the space, the sound of Justin fumbling around in the kitchen made him smile to himself. He put his briefcase down on his desk and entered the kitchen to find Justin surrounded by pots and pans and the makings of a salad. Brian smiled and leaned over to plant a kiss on Justin’s temple.

“What’s this?” He reached into the pot for a taste, and Justin slapped his hand away.

“I’m making some garlic parmesan orzo with chicken. But it’s not quite done yet.” Justin replied with an answering grin and a kiss to the side of Brian’s mouth.

The blonde was about to stir the orzo when he suddenly dropped the spoon and grabbed at his right hand. Brian watched as the young man massaged his right palm as it spasmed. He even attempted to shake it out in an attempt to allow his fingers to uncurl. Brian silently reached over and massaged Justin’s hand while the young man whimpered from what was probably a painful incident.

After a few minutes, his hand relaxed, and Justin was able to focus on his cooking once more. The orzo was somewhat sticking to the pan, but Brian didn’t care. What mattered was that Justin’s hand was alright.

“That was a really bad one.” Brian rubbed his chin in thought, “How bad have they been lately.”

Justin just shrugged, but he wouldn’t look at Brian, which told him all he needed to know about the matter. Alarm bells were going off in Brian’s head. He needed Justin to be honest with him, but he didn’t exactly know how to push him without pushing him away entirely. He loved the man before him and yet he couldn’t bring himself to pressure Justin to reveal just how bad his hand spasms were. What’s even worse, Justin was clearly hiding them from everyone because Jennifer and Emmett would’ve told him if they’d known.

“Justin,” Brian placed his hands on Justin’s shoulders in an attempt to get the blonde to look him in the eye, “When did these spasms become painful? We should tell your neurologist.”

“It’s nothing, Brian. I can handle it.” Justin tried to dismiss his concern, but Brian wasn’t having it.

“That’s not nothing. You were whimpering as I massaged your hand. It's hurting you!” Brian tried not to yell, but his tone did go up an octave in concern.

“So I have a bit of pain now. I can’t afford to have another surgery or procedure done. My mom definitely can’t afford it.” Justin bit his lip.

“Why not let me worry about that part? What’s the real reason you don’t want to go to the doctor?” Brian knew Justin was just using finances as a ruse to get out of a deeper conversation.

“Brian. Just drop it.” Justin turned off the burners. “It’s fine. I’ve just been stretching my abilities to the max in an attempt to finish even one painting.”

“I’ll call your neurologist tomorrow. Until we talk to him, no more painting or drawing.” Brian gave Justin a stern look, and the blonde nodded in agreement.

After a beat, Brian added, “I would rather you do art in a different way, a new way, than risk losing the ability completely because you pushed yourself to do it the old way.” Brian leaned forward with one hand cupping Justin’s cheek and placed a kiss on his lips.

“Drawing and painting help me feel less anxious.” Justin tried to argue, but he gave in to Brian’s kiss and let the emotions carry him. Justin wrapped his arms around Brian’s neck and dived in deeper.

After a bit, Brian pulled away to add more to their conversation. “I know, but they aren’t the only way you can produce art.” 

“If I’m not painting or drawing, then what else do I have?”

“I might have an idea for you.” Brian pulled Justin into a hug against his chest. He wished with all his might he could take away any of these residual issues Justin was dealing with daily.

“The other day, one of the guys from our art department showed me an ad he was working on in real-time. Only instead of drawing it by hand he was doing it on a computer. He said the smaller pen gave his hand more control and didn’t make his muscles hurt as much as painting does.” Brain pulled back to look Justin in the eye in an attempt to gauge his reaction. “It’s just an idea.”

Justin pulled out of Brian’s arms completely. His face turned sour. 

“So, you want everyone to see that poor little Justin can’t do art like a normal person anymore.” Justin’s temper was flaring, but Brian had anticipated he might react this way.

“That’s not what I’m saying at all. I’m saying that sometimes you have to adjust expectations. Art on the computer is still art.” Brian joined his hands together to crack his knuckles while he watched Justin move about the loft, sorting through his emotions on the matter.

“Let me guess. You went ahead and already bought the computer. This is just your attempt to make me like the idea before you give it to me.” Justin turned to Brian with a scoff on his lips and a scornful look in his eyes.

“No, I am telling you about this alternative so that you know it's an option. If you are willing to try it, then I will buy it.” Brian didn’t give in to the frustration or anger Justin was gunning to pull out of him. 

“Right, because you think if you buy things for me, I’ll just forget that I have a fucking gimp hand?! Or that my attackers might get off at the trial tomorrow?” Justin’s deep-seated anger at the whole hand situation started to make sense.

Brian was floored. Did Justin really believe that his attackers might get the charges dismissed? Was the young man really that terrified of a negative outcome that he was willing to allow his injury recovery to possibly backtrack? 

Brian stepped back into Justin’s personal space and wrapped the young man in his arms once more. “Do you really believe that the judge will think they didn’t do this?”

“Be real, Brian. We are faggots. The judge will most likely think we deserve any violence against us because we’ve flaunted ourselves in front of unassuming heteros!” Justin pushed Brian away, which hurt Brian more than he cared to admit.

“You don’t know that. The evidence is damning. You were just standing outside a club and got attacked for no other reason than you were outside a gay club.” Brian didn’t even believe the words he was saying, but he wanted desperately for Justin to believe them.

“Right.” Justin scoffed, “I believe that almost as much as you do. Which isn’t a whole lot.”

“Let’s not think about it.” Brian tried to steer the conversation away from anything resembling the trial tomorrow. “The food is getting cold. Let’s eat.”

Justin reluctantly nodded his head and went back to the kitchen to plate up their food. Brian put out silverware on the table and silently watched the warring emotions still dancing across Justin’s features. He wanted to do nothing more than give Justin the absolution he deserved. The younger man had every reason to be afraid, but Brian just wanted him to feel safe no matter where he was or who he was with.

Yeah. I know that’s a fool's dream. I can’t even say that for myself.

When Justin finally brought their plates over to the table, Brian met him with a smile and a kiss to the side of his mouth. 

“This smells amazing.”

“I hope it’s okay. The orzo burned a little bit.” Justin bit his lip and sat down across from Brian.

“It’s fine. It’ll give the dish character.” Brian cracked a mischievous smile.

Justin shook his head and grinned down at his plate. The two started to eat in companionable silence. 

“Did you know Emmett is seeing someone?” Brian finally broke their silence.

“How is that news?” Justin looked up, confused.

“No, I mean he’s really seeing someone. Like they’ve gone on dates.” Brian shuddered at the word, which made Justin laugh.

“I know you act like dating is the worst thing in the world, but you seem to forget eating dinner with the person you are seeing is considered a date. Even if it’s at your place of residence.” Justin lifted his eyebrows and motioned to the setup between them.

“Well, considering one of the few times I went on a date, I ended up blowing the waiter. I might be favorable to call this that as well.” Brian waggled his eyebrows. 

Justin went silent and began to hunch his shoulders forward and pull his body in on itself. Brian realized the young man felt uncomfortable, so he immediately back tracked his statement.

“I was just kidding.” Brian tried his best to amend his words, but he wasn’t well versed in apologies, so naturally, it didn’t go over well with Justin.

“No you weren’t.” Justin mumbled, “But I understand. You can’t help yourself sometimes. You still aren’t used to people who don’t treat sex as second-nature.” 

Brian opened his mouth to object, but Justin looked up and continued, “Let’s just eat.”

#queer as folk #brian kinney #justin taylor #fanfiction #alternate universe #asexual spectrum representation #brian x justin

[teashadephoenix]

I looked up an old friend today, for no real reason other than I thought of her randomly. (Actually it was her birthday four days ago. Maybe that’s why she was lurking in the dark parts of my brain.) 

Things did not end well between this person and I. We were friends for eight years. Most of that time was spent “breaking up” bc she was the type of person who lost interest in me if she got a boyfriend, and she had to have a boyfriend, but she had bad judgment (like everybody does when youre 17) so they would cheat on her or were bad boyfriends, or whatever. So she’d dump them and come be my friend again-- for a few months, until she forgave the boyfriend or found a new one. This was exacerbated by the fact that even when we were hanging out, we fought. I couldn’t tell you what we ever fought about, but I do know that I wrote letter after letter telling her I was done with being treated badly and that I didn’t want to be friends with her anymore. But she always managed to find a way back in.

It wasn’t until after my mom died and I ventured into the adult world that I really saw how abusive she was. She talked down to me. She talked over me. My opinions were worthless. She had no respect for my beliefs (she was always trying to convert me to Christianity by way of “casually” reminding me I was going to Hell if I didn’t.) She was openly homophobic at a time in which I was just beginning to really question my own sexuality. I knew I would never be able to be honest with this person --who called herself my best friend-- about who I was. I’ve also referred to this person occasionally when talking about my asexuality journey, because she was the one who kept trying to set me up on blind dates and could not accept that I was happy being single. (Which, I get. I get that it’s hard to understand where someone is coming from when it’s so different from your own place. But that’s literally part of being a compassionate human being: accepting others’ differences even if you maybe don’t fucking get it.)

There is just... so much damage that this person did to me, that still affects me today. She was my first real brush with a Christian who wasn’t my mother, and she’s laid the foundation for all the Christians who followed her. I still have a hard time trusting people who say theyre Christian, bc I know no matter how much I beg and plead for them not to, the conversion attempts will follow. She is why I have a hard time talking things out when I am frustrated, why I simply let things fester in resentment-- because I couldn’t discuss any problem that arose between us without calling a guilt trip down on my own head. Any criticisms were mortal wounds to her ego, and she played the victim until I was apologising for bringing it up. I know the narcissist’s handbook now but 16 years ago I did not. She’s probably the reason I don’t like having people in my house, because she used to come over and stay nine, ten hours, and of course I couldn’t ask her to go home, because she would take it personally. (And no, before you ask, I did not have any other friends. I had been convinced, a little bit by her and mostly by my own self, that I was bad with people and couldn’t make other friends, so I had to hang on to the one that I had.)

Even just writing this out is bringing back the anxiety that I used to feel when she’d texted to say she was on her way to my house. I haven’t seen her in years and it’s as real as it was the last day I saw her. And I’m so fake, even now, with people. I can have so much anger and frustration boiling under the surface and you’d never know because Im so used to pretending everything is fine. 

Anyway, all this to say:

It isn’t just parents or romantic partners that can hurt you. How we relate to people is built by all the people we know, parents, teachers, regular faces in the crowd. And friends. That is how we learn how to people, by being with people.

And anybody can abuse you, especially when you trust them not to. Friends have a special key to your heart and you must be wary who you let in there. 

Because friends who talk down to you are not your friends. Friends who make you feel afraid to be who you are are not your friends. Friends who give you anxiety attacks at the mere idea of them coming over are not your friends.

But if you let them have a key, they can trash the place and you are the one left picking up the mess. Sometimes that shit takes years. Sometimes you can think it’s okay, that everything’s back where it’s supposed to go, and then you remember it’s their birthday and everything just upends itself off a table.

[startledstars]

what I wish Christians would do

(thoughts from someone who used to think this was the dumbest religion ever)

there’s another post coming soon about my experiences with “Christians” as an immigrant living in the deep south

but basically, the sentence “Jesus Christ died for your sins” made my eyes roll back into my head to watch my own brain cells commit suicide

because it’s like... who’s he, what “sins” and I don’t remember asking him to do that, so thanks but no thanks

and when they said things like “Jesus is the son of God” and “the Bible is the word of God” all could hear were some dangerously arrogant, unverifiable statements. How could a book written by men be accredited to God? How could God, an incorporeal, asexual, disembodied force, have a child? (And where did they get off calling God “he”? Seems like some bs invented by misogynists who fail to see that women have created, sustained, and nurtured life for millennia.)

“Faith” was their explanation, but it was actually a mixture of fear and willful ignorance, because they thought they’d go to hell if they asked too many questions. They knew their beliefs couldn’t stand rigorous testing. Many, if not most professing Christians are guilty of not being able to defend their faith. If they read their bibles, they’d know that their own God commands them to “Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect [...]”

another thing that irked me to no end was the cross itself. It’s a torture device, yet Christians seemed to venerate it. Those graven images of Jesus in nothing but a loincloth, each rib clearly visible (though there’s no mention of him starving before his crucifixion) made my stomach turn. Is this a religion that celebrates pain? Do they look at this image of a weak, miserable, emancipated man- a man barely looked human in his final hours, yet declared that he was God- and see their God? (Not to mention the commandment, “You shall not make for yourself a carved image.” Seriously. Have y’all ever cracked open your own books? If I sincerely believed there was a book written by God -the actually creator of the universe- I’d read that thing cover to cover multiple times.)

basically, I wish Christians lived out their faith. I wish that they’d embody kindness, peace, and forgiveness so consistently, the people around them would wonder how it was possible. “Where does their joy, hope, and love come from? Why do they seem so untouchable? How can I get what they have?” These are the questions the world should be asking about believers.

If the Christians I knew ten years ago educated themselves and gave real answers to my questions, my life might’ve changed a lot sooner. I sincerely wish I became a believer at the age of 15 instead of 24. I wish Christians tested their own faith more rigorously than anyone else would. I wish they’d ask themselves, and God, the most difficult questions imaginable. If God is who He says He is, He knows your questions before you ask, and had the answers ready before He created the universe. (Though the answers we receive in this life will not be perfect or complete, He gives enough for people to make a choice.)

So, here’s a little q&a that might help you understand the Jesus thing better.

Q: Pain. Suffering. Disappointment. Loneliness. Evil. Why God do this? >:-(

A: God (and only God) uses bad things to bring about a greater good. It’s easy to see when you’re older, how that boy who didn’t love you back would’ve been a terrible influence if you’d gotten together. How not getting into the school you wanted to was better for your future career. How suffering abuse made you a stronger, more empathetic person, able to withstand pressures that would destroy those who didn’t survive the same experiences. For evils where we can’t comprehend how anything good can come, God will find a way.

Q: Well that’s easy to say. God “uses” pain but He never had to suffer like the real victims do. Calling a God like that “loving” is either dumb or evil.

A: (though that wasn’t really a question lol) that’s where Jesus comes in. He suffered loneliness, betrayal, fear, disappointment, public humiliation, and every type of physical pain imaginable in his last hours. On top of that, while on the cross, he drank the cup of God’s wrath. (This is a little hard to wrap your head around) but basically, all the punishment that should justifiably go to the rapists, murders, liars, thieves, and every other sinner for every sin committed from the beginning to the end of time— Jesus experienced every last bit of it, alone, on the cross.

God is not far removed from pain, and God does not ask anyone to suffer anything He didn’t willingly suffer himself.

The Christian worldview answers the questions of pain and evil better than Buddhism (I tried to detach from suffering and desire and only ended up feeling dead inside. Human beings are meant to feel, want, suffer, and grow stronger) Islam (I compared Mohammed, who lived a wealthy, comfortable life and took many wives, the youngest of which was only nine years old when he consummated the marriage, to Jesus. I mean no disrespect to Muslims; this was simply part of my own process for testing my faith) Hinduism (the religion I was born into, with its myriad of stone and metal Gods who made me walk in endless circles with my hands palms pressed together but never answered a single prayer. The doctrine of Karma meant the beggars I saw as a child, some with their limbs cut off, were being punished for crimes committed in a past life they couldn’t remember.) Atheism (which believes in order arising from chaos, life from non-life, consciousness from ‘emergent properties,’ no objective right or wrong so why does anything matter, including pain?)

#spiritual awakening #spirituality #truth #new age #ascension #Jesus #God

[manythoughtmanyprayers]

if anyone had told me a year ago that i would be grieving from a sort-of relationship, i would probably laugh at their faces. because a year ago i was just starting said “relationship”, and my thoughts at that time were a mixture of “this won’t last that long, it’ll be easy to get over” and “i’m starting to see a good future with this person, and luckily we can last, because everything is going well, so well”. and indeed things were going well at that time, but little did i know of what was coming later on.

i have always had issues when it comes to guys. i either liked the ones who didn’t like me back, or the ones that did would just get over me a few weeks later. that plus my own insecurities and lack of self-esteem are a match made in heaven regarding my own perception of relationships. whenever guys happen to take an interest in me the voices in my head just go “it won’t last long, don’t worry too much”, and that was the case with you as well.

the moment you replied to my story back in november 14th my mind went blank. how come this guy, who i had been crushing over since the beginning of summer, who just started following me a few days prior, decided to dm me? and how come it lasted all day? and how come he showed interest in me, when he barely knew me? so of course, i didn’t have much hope about it lasting, even if the interest was there the very next day, and the day next to it, and the day after. even if you were sad that i didn’t give you much attention during that night out, or when you asked me out, or when we went to get coffee on that cold night of december 117th, or even when you still kept texting me and show interest the days that followed. i was so surprised and in awe that it was happening to me i couldn’t believe it. however, no matter how cautious i was trying to be and to take things slow, i ended up in your bed exactly one week later, and i regretted nothing. was it perhaps too quick for me and for what i was used to? maybe, but i was surprisingly comfortable with you, you made me forget about everything that was going on in my head from how safe you made me feel. had anyone told me that i would be in that situation, that there would be a boy who liked me and with whom i felt so safe and comfortable around in such a short period of time, i would not believe it one bit. yet that was the reality i was living in, and it kept going for a while, and it kept getting better and better.

despite my lack of social skills, the communication was always so flowy and easy, the care and love was always there, the reassurance never lacked, the serious and the fun were well balanced, the sex - god, the sex - was greater than i had ever imagined, specially for someone that at some point believed deeply that was asexual. everything felt like a fairytale almost, still with the real life struggles. but those struggles were always taken care of in the moment, we would talk it out and move forward better than before. you made me feel safe, comfortable, cared for, important, like a priority. you reassured me and comforted me and helped me when i was feeling down, you respected me and my timing and my personal space. i was happy, growing and changing for the better, seeing a future with you in it that made me feel scared yet excited and anxious to have. i was falling hard, harder than i even thought i could, even without realizing it. but then, then everything started going downhill.

the reassurance started to fade, the communication started to shorten and lacked substance, the distance grew between us so quickly that i barely noticed, or noticed how bad it was getting. the care was still there, but it always felt so short and random, instead of constant and long-lasting like before. we were both at fault, for different reasons, however there was only one of us trying to save it.

if there is something that everybody could see clearly regarding us was how much i tried. i tried, and tried, and tried until i could no longer keep trying. i spent countless nights awake in my bed trying to see what was going wrong, why it was going wrong, what i could do to make it work, what i could change to make us go back to what we had. i blamed it on the distance, on our busy lives, on our insecurities and our pasts, on our context, even on astrology and that damn Neptune retrograde. and i thought that if i worked hard enough, if i showed empathy and gave you what you seemed to need, that we would work out. i thought that if i made everything to make you happy that i would be happy as well, even if i was hurting and doubting everything on the inside. i always put yourself first and me second, because you were my priority, because i was scared that if i were to lose you, i would never find anyone with whom i could have a connection with like the one i have with you. that i would never be able to give myself away to other people like i did with you. that i would never experience what you gave me again in my life. so i started to lose myself in the middle of the fights and make ups, i started to lose control of my own needs and feelings, and just thought of you and of being with you at any cost.

but you, you never seemed to care about us, or at least made the effort to make us work. no matter how much we fought and how much i told you about how i felt deep down, about my expectations and my insecurities, no matter how many times i made you see that there was something missing between us that only you could bring to the table, that i had done everything to make us work and that now was the time for you to put the effort and change and help our connection, you always stayed the same. i get it, these last few months have been chaotic for you, yet you could’ve told me and we could get through it together, like we used to. you were more busy than me, understandable. but we were busy before as well, and i still made the effort to change what needed to be changed about me in order to make our relationship flow better, no matter how difficult it became for me and how many times i slipped back into my toxic mechanisms. so how come you never even tried to work on yourself? how come, no matter how many warnings i gave you, and how many times you agreed with me and said that indeed you had issues that needed to be taken care of, you never made the first step to work on it? because no matter how many therapists you have and how many pills you take, it always starts with us taking the first step of accepting that we have a problem and really wanting to change that.

so many times i thought “i should search for help” and never did because i thought i could do it myself, yet it was only when i saw myself at the risk of loosing you, and loosing what we had, and saw that my personal issues would eventually affect other aspects of my life, that i admitted to myself that it was time to change, so i took that step, and started to do it for real by myself until i got the outside help. and that’s were you lacked. you know very well what is wrong with you, what affected us as a duo, and that i always told you that i was here for you and to help you in anyway i could for you to get better, and never even tried to heal and evolve. was i not worth the change? was what you feel for me not enough for you to realize that you were loosing me (and in the end you did) and that, in order for that to not happen, you needed to work on yourself like i did? perhaps i’m not as important to you as you are to me. perhaps you can easily live without me, and would rather live like that than to change. because this isn’t just about us, this is also about you and what’s best for you, because the longer you let those demons live inside of you, the most difficult it’ll be to get rid of them, and the more damage you will do to your future relationships. this is me looking out for you and for your future, despite what happened between us, because with or without you in my life, i still care and love you, and i always will, that won’t go away.

you might think that just because i told you that i needed to live without you in my life that i hate you and that i don’t care about you. that isn’t the case in the slightest. no matter how many times i found myself crying because of you, no matter how down i was, i can’t bring myself to hate you. yes, things you did and things you said hurt like a bitch, and yes, many times that i would vent to other people i just wanted to put a bullet in your head. but that’s what happens when you love someone so hard, the harder you love the more you get hurt. yet i can’t hate you, i can’t hold a grudge over you and what you did. it was shitty, it still is, but that’s life, and all i can take from this are lessons. lessons like how amazing it is to give myself to someone and to not be afraid to do it, because i will always get rewarded with something good, or how strong i actually am, how amazing it feels to let someone take my burdens off my shoulders and comfort me, or how stubborn and determined i am, what a fighter i am. with you i learned that love is real, that sex is great, that i can let others heal my inner child and heal my wounds, that i’m not as unlovable as i made myself be. but that love can also hurt like a bitch, that i must set boundaries and limits in order to not lose myself in a connection again, and that i must be a priority to myself.

i’m hurting. despite people seeing a confident and evolved version of myself on the outside, i’m still hurting a lot on the inside. i try to mask it so people don’t question me and i start crying in front of them, i would rather cry in my bed alone at night or in the office with my therapist. but you haven’t left my mind since i last talked to you, you’re still living in my head rent free and it seems that you won’t be leaving anytime soon. sometimes i’m able to trick myself into not let you consume my thoughts every 5 minutes, other times you’re at the very front of my head, and nothing else beats your place. almost like an open wound that i have in my heart, some days it hurts like a bitch, others i barely notice it. i keep questioning if you miss me, if you’re doing ok with our distance, if you think of me as much as i think of you, if you also think of me whenever something reminds you of me, if you still like me. i wonder if you’ll ever come back to me, or if you’ll just move on and forget about me. that is something i won’t be able to do for sure. because despite how much you hurt me, despite knowing that you in my life right now would just delay my healing process, i still have hope that you’ll get better, and that you’ll come back to me, and that we’ll be able to try again, for good this time. and if you don’t, well, i’ll just have to deal with it. i like to think of me letting you go for now as me taking care of that wound. i would rather suffer now and let it heal slowly but surely, than to simply put a bandaid in it and move forward, knowing that it can easily come off and the pain will only get worse.

my door is closed, but it’s never locked. you’ll just need a new key to come back inside.

#rants #thoughts

[paper-teeth]

11-19-23

Omg, it’s almost like, my ex saw me going through depression, paralyzing anxiety, and an eating disorder for two years and didn’t give a shit about me. He cared more about keeping me as his perfect girlfriend, his ticket out of his living situation, his prize for all his suffering, than accepting I was miserable and killing myself. I cried and cried and screamed it at him, but he still called himself the victim.

He abused me, manipulated me, raped me, and still called himself the victim and got me to console him. He sobbed and sobbed and I had to tell him it was okay, even though I felt disgusting. I was the temptation, I was the reason he wasn’t good enough for church, I was the reason he lied to his family. I don’t remember how many times I had to get plan b, how many times he just couldn’t help himself, how many times I had to put my thoughts elsewhere.

I thought I was asexual. That I could never be present during sex because the thought of it turned me off. I would drink until I didn’t care who he was or what he did, to make myself enjoy it. I would fall asleep during sex all the time. Now I think it was just to make it stop.

I was 19 when we met, 20 when I accepted to date him. I’d never had a relationship, never been sexual, never kissed anyone. I wanted to check another thing off my list and hey, he wasn’t so bad was he? Good enough to stick with for a bit and then move on? I wasn’t ready to fight against him and his demands. I just wanted to be liked. If he said something was normal in a relationship, then who was I to say no? I was terrified of failing at anything—being a girlfriend was no exception. I was sleep-deprived, anxious, impulsive, and always doing too many things at once. A perfect mix of not enough energy to think, almost drowning loneliness, and a fear of not being enough.

So yeah, sure, text me today telling me to drop all my plans to go have brunch. Tell me how you’ll be so sad you won’t get to see me before my birthday. Tell me how it’s so selfish I won’t leave my grandparents to go entertain whatever excuses you have this time.

Tell me how I’m the reason your “friends” no longer talk to you. Tell me I’ve turned them, that I talk shit to everyone about you.

Funny how I actually didn’t mind you, until those “friends” started telling me how uncomfortable you make them. How you won’t stop texting them, how you don’t respect their boundaries, how you still text their families, how they don’t want to invite you to things because they’re uncomfortable with how you act. There’s a reason these “friends” don’t reach out to you or are always busy. There’s reasons why they don’t answer your messages.

I spent so much time defending you until I realized you never deserved it. I hated taking you anywhere. I felt so alone and guilty, because how could I be such an awful person? Now I know I wasn’t the only one who felt that way.

Don’t text me again and learn to read the room.

[soranis-sunshadow]

Ppl saying it’s bad to say “Entrapta is definitely ace because she is autistic” obviously I can see how that is a harmful stereotype for autistic people, but isn’t that acephobic? Like being ace is childish and inherently a bad thing, I’m struggling with it

Saw this at work and I had to answer it because it's a personal thing. I couldn't let it be.

People saying Entrapta is ace because they identify as ace and want to see themselves represented in Entrapta is harmless.

What is actually acephobic is saying she’s too weird or she’s autistic and doesn’t "get" or understand sexuality because ofc, everyone who we don’t want shipped with anyone *cough*Hordak*cough* is ofc ace! Better ace (and alone) than a icky monster lover.

As an autistic ace myself, I really hate it when ace is assigned to a character out of spite or the default state of “innocent autistics” because we’re obviously too naïve and pure to know what “the sex” is.

That makes me feel like what I am is the ultimate undesirable thing which is… you know… kind of a shitty thing to be made to feel about yourself. ( experiencing my teens as ace + undiagnosed autistic without knowing what asexuality is -because it was not something talked about at all back then- and believing something was wrong with me, believing it when my girlfriend at the time called me defective or frigid, trying to pressure me into satisfying her ‘natural needs’…giving in to what was deemed as 'normal'... yeah... it has left quite a few marks.)

As much as I want to see asexual characters and for it to be recognized and represented in media, I also want it to be the right kind of representation, not: I can’t see myself shipping this character with anyone so I’ve decided they’re ace. (which is a stereotype that follows autistic characters like the damn plague). That just makes asexuality seem like a bad thing, a box where we put the leftovers in...

I really do want representation for what I am an ace autistic woman but I want to see sexual autistic characters more because they are even less represented, so much so that people automatically assume that all autistics must be ace. It’s a stereotype I’m sick of.

Another thing people get wrong about asexuals is that we are not by default aromantics. Why would they not get it wrong though? It’s not something frequently shown or talked about. Ace people can have fulfilling and lovely romantic relationships, my sappy, sugary husband and I are proof of that. It's something I never thought I'd have since i had been convinced I'm unlovable and any relationship with me would be unfair to either my partner or to myself... incompatible and yet, it's been more than half a decade and here we are, he and I happily married and still as romantic and loving as we have always been.

My point is that:

1) There is nothing wrong with being autistic, it’s how I and many people are.

2) There is absolutely nothing wrong with being asexual, people don’t choose what they are attracted (or not attracted) to.

3) There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG with being both of those things at the same time. I happen to be both and I’m damn happy with it!

The way I see it, it’s more acephobic to make characters ace when you don’t see them worthy of anything else and autistic characters usually don’t deserve more in the eyes of others than to be alone with their ‘toys’ and their hyperfixations (like someone in the fandom, at some point- last year, shipping Entrapta with tiny food rather than the guy she clearly loved… that’s one example.)

The assumption of that is more acephobic than not seeing her as ace. At least that’s the way I see it when someone spitefully head-canons her as ace.

When someone does it for the right reasons, aka: they are ace themselves and they empathize with Entrapta, then, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I would actually love reading that. I would love seeing someone portray an ace relationship with the proper respect and insight it deserves. If you are ace and you head-canon her as ace, go for it!

I for one headcanon Hordak as demisexual and neurodivergent which is something most of the fandom doesn't do (if you count the number of "spicy" fics out there).

Entrapta was a bit too horny on screen for me to be able to do it but some people can. *i have trouble contradicting canon in my musings, which is why reading or writing AU's is so difficult for me*

Honestly power to you if you can write her as asexual.

#entrapta #asexuality in fandom shipping #not all autistic people are ace #not all ace people are autistic #even when someone is both ace and autistic and asexual - they might not be aromantic #it's acephobic to assign it as the last resort identity of the unshippable #which autistic characters usually are #entrapdak #hordak

[aro-culture-is]

Not an aro culture ask... Sorry if this feels like a very simple question but um, so I'm aroace. But lately I've been thinking on how I just really mostly relate to the aro side of my sexuality and how the ace experience, while I do feel it, I don't connect with it much anymore. I only used to label myself as ace because I didn't know aro existed and so I conflated aro and ace. When I found aro existed, I then used the aroace SAM label. Now... I'm kinda thinking of maybe just going non-SAM aro, ever since this blog introduced the idea of it to me.

I guess what I just wanted to ask is like... What is the difference between SAM and non-SAM? (sorry if im not wording it well) Because, I do value my aro experience more than my ace experience... At the same time, I still had ace experiences and I guess it is still part of my identity but not as much. Sorry if this is confusing I'm not a native english speaker and I can't find the words to describe it. Just I guess... what made you decide being non-SAM instead of SAM aro?

[empty paragraph in case tumblr eats it]

Hi! In all honesty, the difference between using* the SAM (split attraction model) and not using the SAM is whether or not you want to use the SAM. I had a very similar experience to yours before developing sexual attraction, though, by the time I chose to stop using the SAM, I no longer felt asexual was the best term for me.

I knew I had started to feel sexual attraction, and that asexual was no longer a good fit. I knew I experienced it to men and nonbinary individuals. I didn't know a term that fit very well, and I stressed about feeling like I was on the outside of both the allo and asexual communities. I felt like I couldn't be exactly either, but most ace-spec labels didn't feel right. I thought more and realized they didn't fit because I didn't want a label.

Any label I used felt bad, because I knew it would be considered my orientation, and being aromantic was always more important to me. I don't want to date, and I don't honestly care if I have sexual attraction so long as I think the sex would be fun and respectful. As far as I'm concerned, my attraction simply is aromantic in nature. Nothing else about it is relevant to me. I am aromantic and that is all I care to think of myself as, even if I can split my attraction, can describe it in SAM terminology, and can relate it to others with anything but a specific sexual orientation label.

Those are the reasons I decided to stop using the SAM.

I hope this helps!

- mod kee

*I say using the SAM and not using the SAM. To me, non-SAM (without aro) means not using the Split Attraction Model rather than not being SAM. It does make sense to say being an identity, ie non-SAM aro.

#not aro culture #aro #aromantic #actually aro #actually aromantic #ask #mod kee #question #non sam aro

[arcadialedger]

Please note that I am most likely leaving this platform. I am done being abused. But first? We need to have a discussion. A discussion about hate and bullying in fandom.

All online-- I encourage you to read my story below. Reblog and spread awareness. The Dragon Prince fandom especially -- I implore you read my words, every single one of them. The short of it is that I am done. 

This all began with losing and being blocked by a friend because I shared something they disagreed with. I don’t care what you feel about my initial reaction to this (which I’ll explain below) -- I’ve apologized for not handling the situation correctly. But I will not be shamed for speaking my mind and standing up for myself.

Because no human being deserves to go through what I have endured since last summer.

Following the “callout” post made about me by one of, if not the largest blogs in this fandom, I received hundreds of threats, harassment messages, and death threats. Messages and posts telling me to kill myself were also prominent, on a multiple times a week basis for awhile.

Messages from people who were well aware I have struggled with being suicidal. Due to one of their favorite Dragon Prince blogs speaking out against me, they thought it was okay to suicide bait me.

And it worked. I already struggle with hating myself, am already insecure, and being flooded with these comments which, while I made mistakes, did nothing to deserve, drove me to try and take my own life after years of progress in my mental health.  

Mind you, this is like a 200 follower to 4k follower power dynamic. Which yes, plays a role-- because when you have a large following and influence, you have power. Yet the person behind this had the gall to claim Tumblr clout isn’t real.

People blocking and condemning others instantly at your word? Is power. If people read your words and are influenced, or have their minds changed, or buy or don’t buy something, etc.-- you are an influencer. You have power. And when you’re one of the largest blogs in a fandom, you have a LOT of power.

So take responsibility. 

I was hurt because I lost a friend who I had chatted with for months, did a podcast with, and was generally not only one of my favorite blogs but the center of my experience in the Dragon Prince. I may not have been perfect in my words, but when I was asked why I was quiet/ inactive, I explained how I was hurting, anonymously. I was understandably in pain and upset. I had been cut off for just having a different opinion on a matter, for thinking differently. Even though it was within their rights to block and do so, it felt wrong and it weighed on me.

Is that such a crime?

The callout post and previously described abuse followed, lasting for months until later in the year (this began in June, or around then). It also included screenshots of tweets, when this user does not have Tumblr, and they have stated to have screenshots stored up on their computer of my various posts and interactions. This is creepy behavior, and freaked me out. I felt like I was being stalked, “evidence” being filed away for the very purpose of being used against me. 

I eventually talked things out with the blog per recommendation of my therapist, and thought all would be fine. For a little while, it was. I largely stayed off of Tumblr to heal. Once in awhile I would have a rough, tearful night because something reminded me of what I lost, but I would make it through. Overall, I was making progress.

Then? My Twitter got hacked by one of the people sending me hate. For what had turned out to be much. And after they tweeted some purposefully incriminating and bigoted things to make me look bad, I came home from a weekend in the mountains to a shitstorm.

Twitter has a love hate relationship for me and I barely opened the app unless actively chatting with a friend. So when I saw 700+ notifications, I was surprised. It had never happened before.

I began to scroll through, and when I saw what had happened, I ran to the bathroom and threw up.

I had lost over half of my followers and a solid 60% of previous Twitter mutuals had blocked me. But worst of all, I had hundreds of hate tweets directed at me replying to the hackers tweets. Messages had been sent in DMs and accounts blocked, followed, and unfollowed as well.

If you have never felt that loss of agency-- that sickening feeling of words you never said next to your profile-- be glad. Because it is traumatic. I value my words. I value what I have to say. And having that taken from me was worse than anything I had been through here on Tumblr, outside of the suicide baiting (the most direct attack to me and my emotions/ insecurities throughout this entire ordeal). Further, this hacker had clearly stalked my tweets based on some of their comments. 

Hundreds of tweets bashing me, calling me aphobic slurs (knowing I am asexual mind you, as it was in my bio), making fun of my appearance and targeting all of the insecurities which lead to my first suicide attempt in high school, and taking/ editing images of my face and mocking them. This all culminated in a doxing threat-- a doxing threat which made me feel unsafe on a campus I had already been sexually assaulted on. I was once again, after starting the healing process, thrusted back into the darkest time of my life and spiraled into anxiety and depression. I cried a lot overwhelmed by it all, had difficulty sleeping, and felt sick. I started fall semester and couldn’t concentrate on school. I was a mess.

I had once again been condemned, this time for something I had no part in. I tried to example what happened but nobody listened. I had been hung without trial. People were understandably confused, and my entire reputation on the platform, and my page, became a mess of lies, misunderstandings, and more.

If you don’t know the feeling of already hating yourself and being insecure, and having these beliefs reinforced and spread by hundreds publicly across the internet? Of already feeling lonely and unwanted and having the one space you thought you had taken from you? Consider yourself lucky. 

I had a lot of voice actors and creators following me-- accounts I interacted and greatly cherished my mutual with. A handful of them unfollowed, understandably. This online hate mob was sending messages to people demanding they unfollow me, including some of these creators. They had no idea what to make of this mess or what was real and true and just didn’t want to deal with it. Most of the others just stopped interacting with me. @aaronwaltke (tagging so those who don’t follow already click and do so, because he is absolutely fantastic-- he’s a writer for ToA)  who had followed me on the platform, graciously wished me peace with the entire situation after I checked to make sure he had not been subjected to messages or hate, either from my hacker or other accounts. His was the greatest compassion I got on Twitter, before I ultimately ended up just having to delete.

I lost podcast deals because of this with Adrian Petriw, Aaron Ehasz, and Justin Richmond. I do not blame them one bit and would have done the same in the confusion not wanting to get dragged into anything. 

Only to have one of the friends I lost who helped start this interview these very people on their own podcasts. A slap in the face. A zine I had bought to support them came to my door, with the front page proclaiming to “spread a narrative of love.”

I was never granted that chance. That compassion. I had the vultures sent after me with no mercy. And anyone who has been through online abuse and systemic harassment knows just how much it feels like they’re slowly but surely picking at your flesh ( a metaphor I used in one of my old, since deleted posts discussing the situation, and still find accurate), wearing you down until you have no strength left.

Make no mistake, my story is not a one off situation. Many share the same tale of abuse and being driven off of platforms that once gave them great joy. These attacks are coordinated, systemic, and common hobby for these people-- who largely claim to be loving and accepting of all. They are a cyberbullying phenomenon which has risen with the presence of fandom on the internet. And I want to make clear, with current discussions of “cancel culture”, I mean nothing political in that statement. Some might call my experience cancel culture, but I don’t.

It’s just bullying. It’s just hate. These people get off on ruining people’s lives.

And my life was greatly set back and ruined. I had a stain on my past in fandom I could never be rid of. I had to shut down my podcast, took time off of all social media, and most of what I had built, most of my growth, was taken from me while those who incited and/ or spread hate thrived and continued to grow and find success. That was the greatest sting of all. 

I asked the one previous friend who hadn’t blocked me, but had just stopped interacting with me (which I understood and respected, and also greatly respected her perspective, help, and support though this situation in which she largely unfortunately ended up in the middle) for help after explaining everything, and got nothing. They didn’t seem to care, and just blocked me on all platforms. Once in awhile, I would find I was cut off from yet another old friend, or a blog that I had never interacted with before but clicked into, interested. It hurt being cut off, unable to fully interact with the fandom, but I could move on.

That pain would never go away, but I made clear I did not blame them for the actions of those who abused, harassed, and threatened me. I also made it clear they did not owe me anything, including unblocking. 

I just wanted to move on peacefully, but those with the power to enable that did not wish to help. I slowly, when I felt ready, began to be more active on Tumblr again, and once again the hate started up. 

Sometimes when I was hurting, I expressed my pain and loss to my followers just to reach out, because I was sad. I had no idea how to rebuild from all that had happened. This got me more hate an accusations of emotional manipulation and gaslighting. I had no idea what to do, and got trapped in a cycle of needing to talk about it, and getting hate and backlash, but not knowing where else I could turn. 

My doxer came back into my asks, ultimately making me switch schools, and refueled the drama. Speaking up about this got me more backlash-- mostly accounts reblogging (one with tags saying “fuck you”, despite not knowing the full story, and commenting and then blocking me so I could do nothing to respond or get it off of my page. I deleted all posts of the matter, as requested by these people (who validly pointed out they were in the main fandom tags, which I hadn’t thought of and understood), and hoped to move on.

But it hasn’t stopped. I have been beaten down and emotionally bruised for months. I have had my life and safety threatened, my education and by extension life path altered, and lost work (podcast) opportunities due to this-- alongside the irreversible emotional damage from trauma and abuse. My mental health issues and insecurities-- which I have been very open about to destigmatize the subjects and encourage conversation-- were actively targeted to inflict the most pain possible. 

And I can’t even talk about it, without enduring more hate and accusations of “playing the victim”.

Death threats, suicide baiting, doxing, months of bullying and harassment to the most vile degree, which a lot of these people don’t know about because they don’t even bother to read my words. Yet I’m playing the victim. 

And the accusations of bigotry and being hateful hurt, because it couldn’t be further from what is in my heart. I believing in love and acceptance of all. I don’t know how many are religious here, but I found God after my first suicide attempt and that is what his word has taught me. 

I’ve been through too much in life to tolerate this, for lack of a more eloquent term, bullshit. I know what abuse and victim blaming looks like when I see it. And in my 20 years of life, I have gone through too much: constant ridicule and bullying, suicide attempts, sexual assault, major spinal surgery, to just be stomped over and not stand up for my right to basis human decency. 

I refuse to put up with this, so unless I get an apology and some semblance of justice for everything I have been through, I am leaving. I will not participate in a space run by hate and toxicity. I will never claim to be perfect, and I have apologized for my mistakes and wrongdoings. Now, hold those who did this accountable. If you’re reading this you know very well who it was, and I am not naming them for those who don’t. Because at the end of the day I still send nothing but love and wish no ill will towards them.

But I’ll be damned if I don’t expect accountability of one of the greatest influencers in the fandom for their complacency in abuse, threats, suicide baiting, and and absolute ruining of my life and online experience. They enabled this and were well aware they had the power to stop it-- to ask their followers to stop-- and did nothing. They didn’t care-- about a human’s life and well being. 

@dragonprinceofficial, are you aware that this is what many of the fans of your show, which preaches love and an end to the cycle of vengeance, do to others? That this is happening in your space? If you stand at all by the values you preach, condemn it. @staffTumblr/ @supportTumblr-- shame on you for allowing this abuse to happen and ignoring my reports. Shame on you for permitting these people to operate in your platform and for being okay with hosting hate. People have been driven to suicide on your website-- I am one of the lucky ones. 

If you care at all about humanity and stand against this behavior, reblog and spread awareness. Share my story so I may not happen to anyone else. Tag @dragonprinceofficial until they notice and speak out. 

This is my story, and so many others. Make sure it doesn’t happen ever again. No human being deserves to be treated how I was. Everyone deserves compassion, decency, and respect. And everyone deserves a place in fandom. Do better. If you want to reach out to me DMs are open, as well as my email, which is attached to my account. Until this change happens and I am given the support/ help needed to safely function on this platform, this blog will not be active outside of that. 

Thank you all of the many accounts who have supported me, and I am working on getting back to all who have reached out! Your love means the world. You know who you are, and I don’t want to tag in case people come after you for showing me kindness. I am sorry if this is goodbye, to all that have enjoyed my blog. I enjoyed it for a long time  too. I loved sharing my passion for stories, culture, having a space where I could analyze and discuss my favorite things.  I loved getting to share what I had to offer with the world, having fun and posting jokes with my unique sense of humor. I loved interacting with intelligent people/ fellow fans and discussing my favorite stories, offering each other new insights and growing together. I loved the many, many kind and wonderful people who reached out to me in a variety of ways and provided support and friendship.

In the end, it just isn’t worth all of this pain and trauma, and I know when to put my foot down. I don’t want pity, I don’t want apologizes, and I’m not a martyr. I just want my story to make a difference-- to spur positive change in fandom culture/ spaces.  I will be tagging all fandoms in which I have seen this kind of abuse present as well, to reach as many as possible. 

Be safe, and be kind.

- The Arcadia Ledger/ Ryn/ Katie, signing off.

#fandom #tumblr #long post #the dragon prince #dragon prince #tdp #raayllum #kuno chan #the dragon prince fandom #tumblr support #tdp fandom #tumblr help #abuse #suicide mention #abuse mention #tw suicide #tw abuse #avatar: the last airbender #avatar the last airbender #a:tla #atla #avatar #tales of arcadia #toa #she ra #spop #she ra and the princesses of power #voltron #voltron legendary defender #the arcadia ledger

[silentfcknhill]

FAVORITE SHOWS IN POSTERS

Well, we’re back for another installment of this tagged meme, this time for TV shows! I also stole this from/was indirectly tagged by @jcmorrigan. My taste in shows also differs a bit from my taste in movies, as I tend to like a lot of comedy shows with not as many horror ones. I’m not into shows as much as movies overall, but there are some that I am very passionate about so I picked twenty again. So, here we go for part 2, in order:

1. Avatar: The Last Airbender/The Legend Of Korra (2005-2014)

I'm including these as one show since they take place in the same universe and tell a continuation of the same overall plot. Altogether this is probably the best piece of media to ever exist, including movies. It has so many great characters and villains especially and some of the most epic sequences, charming humor and heartwarming moments ever. I've never met a person who didn't like these shows, even people who normally don't like cartoons. My dad, who is biased against animation? He loved it. My mother? She loved it, watched it with her multiple times. My grandmother? Loved it. My ex-boyfriend? Loved it. My best friend? Loved it. I dare anyone not to, and I'm so glad it's making a resurgence since it's on Netflix for a new generation to enjoy.

2. Black Butler (2008-2014)

I never was big into anime growing up and only really started watching anime when I was like 16 and above, but this is one of the exceptions because holy shit is it ever dark and epic. I'm not sure I'd really recommend it for kids, it's more of a teens and young adults kind of anime and that's probably why it's so good, because it isn't afraid to explore dark and mature topics and do it with all of the intensity and gravitas required to do said topics justice. It has lots of great characters, and the story of demons who make deals with children who have a dark side is fun to watch play out.

3. Seinfeld (1989-1998)

My dad was a huge fan of this show so I watched it growing up since I was a toddler and it became a classic for me. I've watched thw hole show through at least 8 times, and I'll never stop because it never gets old or boring. It's also my only comfort show when I'm having a panic attack because of one time a few years ago when I was having a drug-induced psychosis episode and watching it calmed me down, so now it's like the opposite of a trigger and whenever I'm having an episode or something I watch it to bring me back to reality. For that reason it's more than a show to me, it's a medical treatment and I'm forever grateful to it.

4. The Good Place (2016-2020)

The big four shows made my Michael Schur all made it on this post (The Good Place, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, The Office and Parks And Recreation), either in the main list of the honorable mentions, but this is my personal favorite of the four. It's so funny, quirky, relatable and basically tailor-made to suit my interests. Not only is it an entertaining and wholesome show, but I think watching it helped me come to terms with a lot of things like mortality, ethics, philosophy, religion and my relationships with other people. It gets  alot of different viewpoints across and if you're a very analytical and philosophical person like me you'll probably enjoy seeing it all play out. Not to mention, every single character is 'favorite character' material. It's rare you find a show with no filler characters in the main cast, but I genuinely can't choose who is best.

5. Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013-?)

Another of Michael Schur's shows, this one is just barely under The Good Place and to be honest it was tough to pick my favorite between the two because they're both equally funny. I know it's kind of controversial right now because of the whole law enforcement thing, but I actually think they do a good job of handling social issues in the show and remaining respectful of real-life systemic problems. As for the characters, this is another one of those shows where every single character is gold and I think that tends to be a trend among Schur's shows in general. He produces damn good comedy, and damn good characters. I can't wait to see what they bring next.

6. Rick And Morty (2013-?)

This is unfortunately one of those cases of 'great show, horrible fandom' and for that reason I don't get involved in the fandom even though I love the show. It's a shame because it really is a great show, so funny and, again, such good characters. I think it's a lot more accessible than the fandom likes to claim, so I'm hoping more people will give it a chance and not get put off by the intellectual elitism of the fandom because it does have some of the most entertaining and batshit crazy episodes ever, poking fun of some of the staples of science fiction in media while also poking fun of itself the whole time. Unlike the fandom, the show doesn't take itself seriously and that's enjoyable nowadays.

7. Orange Is The New Black (2013-2019)

While this show is a comedy, it is also a lot of other things and it's probably made me ugly-cry just as many times as it's made me laugh. Well, maybe not as often, but those few scenes (if you've watched the show then you know the ones I'm talking about) made me hysterically sob hard enough to be worth like fifty minor sads. But I didn't even mind because the show is just that good, and it makes you /feel/ something in a real way. Probably because of just how real it gets in terms of telling stories that happen all the time in the real world, sometimes with inevitably tragic endings. But these things do happen every day, and it's important to shine a light on that. It's not just representation for LGBTQ+ but also for POC, the neurodiverse, the poor, and many more. Give it a watch to broaden your perspective!

8. Big Mouth (2017-?)

This is probably the grossest show I've ever seen but by god is it ever funny. Maybe it's because I have an immature sense of humor or something, but I love this show. It definitely won't be everyone's cup of tea and I don't recommend you watch this show with anyone else around because it will get awkward. I think part of its appeal to me is that everyone I talk to who likes it considers it so relatable to their lives growing up but for someone like me who grew up on the autism and asexual spectrum and who was physically an early-bloomer by years, nothing about this show is relatable to me in any way so it makes it all the more crazy and bizarre watching how the people around me must have experienced things. Did y'all really have these experiences with puberty in middle school???

9. Dexter (2006-2013)

I recently heard that this show is coming back for a reboot soon and I'm so excited because this is my absolute favorite drama/thriller show, as evidenced by the fact that it's the highest one on the list so far that isn't a comedy. I love the idea of having a protagonist who is sort of a villain (or at least morally dubious), and the idea of a serial killer who only kills bad people is particularly satisfying for some reason. Maybe because he's the vigilante we all deserve and want in this unjust and evil world of modern times? Idk but the very premise of this show set it up for big things and aside from the ending I think it delivered consistently.

10. Once Upon A Time (2011-2018)

This show took us on some journeys, and you can't deny that. Sure, maybe it didn't always finish what it started and didn't always end in the most satisfying way, but part of its charm is that you didn't care because the experience was just so much fun. They took characters and stories that have been told to death and somehow managed to put a unique and unexpected twist on them, and that alone is admirable. Good twists, good villains, and pretty much every cliffhanger known to man will keep you hooked on binge-watching every episode.

11. RuPaul's Drag Race (2009-?)

A bit different than the other entries on my list in that it's not fiction but a reality competition show, but I couldn't leave Drag Race out because it's just so fucking iconic and perfect. Even when you disagree with the judges or can't stand a certain contestant you'll still be having a good time. It's got the personalities you love to love, the ones you love to hate, and the comedy that's completely meme-able. I mean just how much has this show contributed to pop culture and the internet? More than most of us, henny. I've watched every single season, even the international ones and all of the spinoffs. This show will probably be on for another thirty years when Ru is throwing shade from a hospital bed and I'll still be watching.

12. House (2004-2012)

Some people hate on this show, and I don't get it. I love House. Yes, he's an ass. That's the point. He's supposed to be unlikeable, and that's why I like him. Maybe because I always love the rude, sarcastic, misanthropic jerkass-genius characters for some reason. And I also love procedural shows, so it's a win-win. I also work in the healthcare field so it appeals to me for that reason too, because obviously the whole premise is outlandish which is what makes it funny. Of course it's not realistic for a hospital, so just enjoy the absurdity and don't get too hung up on the details of medical accuracy and professional ethics and you'll be fine.

13. The Office (2005-2013)

The third of Michael Schur's show and the last one that made the main list (sorry Parks And Rec, I love you too but there was just so many good shows to choose from and I saw you last so the nostalgia isn't as strong!) I don't think I need to hype this show up any, it's already a classic and you can't even turn around online without getting hit in the face by a dozen Office memes. You'll have to pry this show and it's relatable characters (especially Michael Scott) from my cold, dead hands.

14. All Hail King Julien/The Penguins Of Madagascar (2008-2017)

Like Avatar/Korra, I also consider this as one show for the sake of this list because it also takes place in the same universe (Madagascar, specifically) and I just couldn't choose one over the other because they're both so perfect. They're funny and I love all the characters (it cut out the weaker links of the Madagascar film series and just focuses on expanding the standout side-characters like King Julien and the penguins). It also delved into some lore, particularly the first show, and even though I didn't also agree with the directions it took (you may have seen me get salty about the ending because I cared too much), I can't deny how much I love it.

15. Bones (2005-2017)

One of the other scarce non-comedy shows on this list, it still has it's funny moments. It's also, like House, another procedural show that involves some medical stuff, but this time on a more scientific and forensic level which is even more interesting. It's nice to see a lead female with Asperger's, too. There's a lot of cop/law enforcement shows where they try to solve crimes, but this one is the best, and I'm saying that as a fan of CSI as well. Don't fight me on this, I'm right. Oh yes, it's corny, it's campy, it's cheesy, but I love every minute of it. Don't watch if you have a weak stomach though.

16. The Simpsons (1989-?)

We all grew up with this show, don't lie. It's been around longer than most people on tumblr have even been alive. Should it have ended seasons ago? Hell yes. But that doesn't take away what the first like 20 or so seasons gave us (there's a lot of argument about when the show jumped the shark, for me it wasn't until much later than the popular consensus). The characters are amazing, but the secret to the show's longevity is that they always return to status quo and there's comfort and nostalgia in that. Bart will still be in 4th grade when you're out there pushing 90. This show is persistent. This show is eternal. This show will outlive us all.

17. Ash Vs. Evil Dead (2015-2018)

Sorely underrated. This show is hilarious, gruesome and campy as hell and I love it. I don't think you necessarily have to watch the Evil Dead movies beforehand in order to get the plot of the show, although it would probably help. In my opinion this show ended way too soon and I'm hoping someday we'll get a comeback because Ash is the reluctant, self-absorbed hero we all need and it's 2020 so at this point there really might actually be a demon-zombie apocalypse and who's gonna save us then if not for the impulsive womanizer with a chainsaw for a hand?

18. Malcolm In The Middle (2000-2006)

Another show I grew up with, I don't think it gets as much credit as it deserves. It has some damn funny episodes and great characters, and it did a lot of the popular sitcom tropes before they were 'cool'. Some other great sitcoms, The Middle in particular, took a lot of influence from this show and it helped pave the way for the future of sitcoms at a time when they were about to make a comeback. If you want a good show about the real experiences of growing up, this is a much more accurate representation of the highs and lows of being an awkward tween from a dysfunctional home.

19. A Series Of Unfortunate Events (2017-2019)

Unlike most people I actually liked the movie version from the early 2000's, and I read the books growing up so I was excited when I saw there was a live action television adaptation of it on Netflix because I felt like they cancelled the movie franchise too soon. I was interested to see how new actors would handle the roles, and I was not disappointed. I wouldn't say I liked either portrayal of the characters better or worse, they both added their own twist to it and this show is a great and loyal adaptation to the books, probably because the author was so heavily involved. He knew just when to stick to the books and when to improve upon what he had done with the benefit of hindsight. This show is basically the books, but remastered.

20. Winx Club (2004-?)

Sort of an odd one out on this list, but I really love this show even as an adult and it may surprise you to learn it is still going on and the most recent season came out last year. They take big breaks sometimes in between seasons, but it's still going strong and in multiple countries. The only thing I don't like about watching this show is all the different and inconsistent dubs since the original show is Italian and each dub only goes for a couple seasons so by the time you get used to one set of voices/names for the characters oyu have to abruptly switch to another, but it's still worth it for the beautiful animation and cool characters (especially the villains!)

Honorable Mentions: 

13 Reasons Why, America's Next Top Model, American Horror Story, Arrested Development, Bates Motel, Battlestar Galactica, Black Mirror, Care Bears, Chernobyl, Courage The Cowardly Dog, Criminal, CSI, Duck Dodgers, Goosebumps, Kenny Vs. Spenny, Kim Possible, Kingdom Hospital, Lazytown, Lost, Making A Murderer, Mayday, Mindhunter, Modern Family, Monster High, Obsession: Dark Desires, Parks And Recreation, Prison Break, Project Runway, Queer As Folk, Queer Eye, Salem, Schitt's Creek, SCTV, Spongebob Squarepants, The Emperor's New School, The Good Doctor, The Haunting Of Hill House/Bly Manor, The Middle, The Pretender, The Walking Dead, The X-Files, Through The Wormhole, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Unsolved Mysteries, Yugioh

Tagging: @bullet-farmer​ and anyone else who wants to!

#avatar the last airbender #the last airbender #avatar #legend of korra #the legend of korra #lok #atla #seinfeld #the good place #brooklyn nine nine #brooklyn 99 #rick and morty #orange is the new black #oitnb #big mouth #dexter #once upon a time #ouat #house md #house #rupaul's drag race #the office #all hail king julien #the penguins of madagascar #bones #the simpsons #ash vs evil dead #malcolm in the middle #a series of unfortunate events #asoue

[ashenpages]

Current Projects & Emoji Voting Key

Quick disclaimer: I’m a romance writer in all aspects of the term, so most of my works will contain mature content. Engage at your own risk, you know the rules, you’re responsible for curating your own experience of the internet, blah blah blah.

This post serves as a current mock up of fic ideas I’m either actively working on or considering working on next. You can drop me an ask about any of them, or just vote via the emoji combo I’ve assigned them.

Voting lets me know you’re excited about an idea and makes it more likely I’ll actually work on it. You can vote anytime, there’re no deadlines or winner announcements, just me gauging your interest by what I see in my ask box most often.

You can also ask me about the original stuff I’m working on currently. The current WIPs are Medusa centric and the emoji for them is: 🐍

Support my original work on Ko-fi and Patreon.

- Lupin: 🤑🤠💍  These are all oneshot ideas, between 5-15K each. If you want to vote for a specific idea, send me the emojis and the number of the idea.

Born from the idea that Goemon and Zenigata probably couldn’t be an item, my brain decided to come up with how I could write for them. Goemon’s teaching an ikebana class as part of his training, and Zenigata shows up as a student on forced recreational leave for his health from the ICPO. Zenigata wins the samurai’s heart through flowers. But what happens when Lupin and Jigen find out? (Only good sexy things, I promise. These beans are in a healthy polycule--be gay, do crimes) (WIP)

Jigen/Lupin, but it's Jigen deciding to seduce Lupin while wearing his own Lupin disguise. The thief is waaaaay too into it, and some artistry is taken with the sex so that they don't mess up the disguise too much during their encoutner.

Jigen/Zenigata/Lupin where Jigen has some fantasices about Zenigata, but is pretty sure they'll never happen. Tells Lupin about them. Suddenly the fantasies are coming true, in the middle of a heist, and Jigen doesn't what to do except get swept up in the moment and enjoy. Plot twist, it's Lupin dressed up as Zenigata granting all his gunman's dreams. Plot twist again, Zenigata catches them at it.

Zenigata/Lupin, where Lupin keeps doing good things in illegal ways and Pops has to find a way to punish him for it. Good thing for Pops Lupin's a masochist?

Trans!Lupin and Trans!Jigen premise: Jigen cares for Lupin after the master thief has top surgery, since Jigen has Been There and Done That. Caring, sweet, and a little sexy. Lupin is a much better patient than Jigen.

The one time Zenigata caught Lupin in an alley and kissed him and it was Jigen in disguise. Things get sexy anyway, and Zenigata has crushes on two thieves now. Lupin and Jigen "kidnap" him later for an evening of taking care of their inspector.

The background plot of Jigen's Gravestone where we see Jigen think he's done for and try to leave Lupin. Our thief has none of it, and we get to relish in the inherent eroticism of Lupin sitting in sniper fire, knowing Jigen's got his back. This is the moment I think Jigen finally believes he can be with Lupin forever.

I love the idea of something longer and more plot driven like a Lupin special where Lupin ends up in hot water and Jigen and Fujiko have to work together to save him. Jigen and Fujiko have such an interesting relationship. They're both partners of Lupin, they don't really like each other, they constantly screw the other over, but when it really matters they take care of each other. I'd like to see that highlighted a little more and also give them space to call each other out and bicker. Nothing sexy between them, but maybe a really interesting threesome with Lupin and Fujiko in a strap on once they save their boy.

- Sonic Vampire Novelist Coffee Shop AU: 📚☕💐

Shadow is an immortal vampire who has seen the world change for the worse too many times. These days it feels like he only lives for his coffee dates with Rouge, another immortal who loves each new era they encounter, warts and all. He has to admit that the book series she got him into speaks to him, at least. If someone in this era can understand him without meeting him, it can’t all be bad. But he hardly expected the goofy blue barista at the new coffee place to understand him the way those books do.

This is a novel length romcom romp with some big feelings about what it means to watch as things change, grow, and die. Expect lots of Big gothic feelings from this one, emotionally charged kissing, and overly-adoring sex. But also expect shenanigans from everyone in the coffee shop, which include Rouge, Amy, Tails, Knuckles, Cream, and more.

- Sonic Blazamy, "Like the Sun": 💖🌸💎

Amy Rose has been in love with Sonic for a while.

Or has she?

When the Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, Shadow, and Silver are trapped as the fuel sources for Doctor Eggman’s newest evil scheme, Amy teams up with Blaze, Rouge, and Cream to save them. With Sonic out of the picture and Amy fulfilling his role, was she ever really in love with him? Or did she just want to be like him?

This is a novel length epic romance with lots of competent women and lots of romantic Blazamy content. Expect flowery hopes and dreams, badass self-actualization, and glancing hand touches that give way to cuddly and sweet sex.

- Persona 5: 🗡🍛☕

After bringing down the Metaverse twice, Ryuji didn’t think graduating high school and figuring out what to do with his life would be so hard. Akira’s back in town, and the gang’s more-or-less all in Tokyo, but everyone else seems to have a plan while Ryuji just floats. How’s he supposed to change the world when he’s not a phantom thief anymore?

This is a novel length fic that addresses how powerless one can feel being just one person in the face of all the corrupted systems and bigotry the world has to offer. It’s about holding on to what you believe in, working through the doubt, and fighting your way to a better tomorrow with the power you do have. The whole gang is queer, featured relationships being Mako x Ann, Ryuji x Akira, Futaba & Yusuke as platonic life partners. Akira is polyamorous and omnisexual, Futaba’s asexual and aromantic while Yusuke is demisexual and very romantic, Makoto’s a lesbian, Ann and Ryuji are bi, and Haru’s pansexual, demisexual, and aromantic. They’re one giant band of queer Phantom Thieves, and even if they’re not really doing the Metaverse thing anymore, they’re still gonna save the world!

Also, I’m gonna make Makoto not a cop. That super didn’t age well. Zenkichi and his boss can work on making them better/abolishing them for other better organizations.

- Hades Game: ❤️‍🔥💀

Oneshot. I just really need to elaborate on the threesome you can have with them in-game, okay? Healthy and canon poly relationships are so few and far between, so often I have to do a ton of groundwork to explain why it’s working in the fic, but NOT WITH THESE KIDS!

Get ready for Meg helping Zag and Than be better at expressing their feelings, lots of kissing, and probably pegging.

- Castlevania Animation Trevor/Sypha/Alucard: 🧛🏰🛌

Castlevania gave Alucard a threesome last season, and I just really need S4 to give me him being taken care of by his partners. They’re probably not going to give it to me, so I’ll need to do it myself. This is just an everybody loves Alucard oneshot, with the gang’s signature banter (to an extent), Sypha being sexy, and Trever being remarkably sincere. This fic is gonna feel like that Ann Hathaway picture with Trevor kissing Alucard and Sypha holding the end of Trevor’s whip while she leans her head on Alucard’s shoulder adoringly.

- Devil May Cry Nico/Lady/Trish: 💋✨😈

Nico’s gay, okay? Like really, really gay. And Lady’s bi and not into men who make her pay bills, but very into women who make amazing guns for her and demonesses with hearts who fight by her side. Trish is ace, but loves people and is pretty attached to Lady at this point. Plus it’s cute when Lady blushes and says nice things like they’re insults. I don’t have super solid ideas for them yet, and I envision these more like a polycule where Lady’s with Nico and with Trish but they’re not with each other more than seeing it as a threesome, but who knows what might happen. This is probably 1-2 oneshots depending on ideas, but might turn into a series of oneshots if people are interested (or I can’t control myself and inspiration strikes).

- Post FMA:B Blind Roy & No Alchemy Ed: 👀👑🙏

This is actually an old novel-length fic I wrote ages ago and didn’t post that didn’t turn out well because I was new to writing sex when I first wrote it. The plot is good, and is all about Roy learning to work with his blindness to reclaim his ambition of being Fuhrer and changing the system to something that actually cares for its people. He and Ed reconnect, fall into bed, and both set about working through their respective traumas about being “useless” having lost their sight/alchemy. They go to Xing as an ambassadorial party to offer Amestris’s collaboration on Al and May’s Alkahestry experiments--and uncover a plot that might threaten both kingdoms.

- Age of Calamity continuity Mipha x Revali: 🦚🐟💘

The first time Revali noticed Mipha, it was in the heat of battle. She stole his mark, taking them down with a flurry of quick blows from her spear. Violence rained from her like water--and then she healed him on her way to her next battle. No questions, no conditions, just pure kindness. The usual need to measure himself against those around him was quiet in her wake. And Revali couldn’t understand it. But how to get to know more about her? A fish and bird may fall in love, but where would they live?

This fic could be a oneshot or novel length depending on how far down the hole I fall. I need it to cover time, but it could be done in linked vignettes or with actually covering events in detail. I may elect to do a oneshot just to get it done and out of my system faster. So much fic to write, so little time.

Expect trans!Revali, polyamorous Zoras, scary competent Mipha, songbird Revali, love confessions that are made up entirely of berating Link for not loving Mipha the way she wants him to, and breaking these characters a little outside of their assigned roles in BotW and Age of Calamity. Background Link x Zelda, and Urbosa x Zelda’s Mom.

- Epic desert romance about Urbosa and Zelda’s mom: 🏜🏝⚡

I just think Urbosa should kiss women and Zelda’s mom should get more development and maybe a name or something. Also, lightning imagery/metaphors/play.

It also went way over my head that Riju wasn’t Urbosa’s daughter the first time I played BotW, so now I want to write about the Gerudo queen who refused to produce an heir. The Gerudo are fascinating and have a very interesting cutlure, but I think it could be examined from a nonbinary perspective that rejected pregnancy and wanting to find a husband. Not in like a hateful way, but in a way that examines if that’s really right for everyone. There’s that shop in town that sells Voe armor, after all. Maybe finding a husband and having children isn’t something you have to do if you don’t want to. And Urbosa really doesn’t want to.

#age of calamity #Devil May Cry #RoyEd #Castlevania #Breath of the Wild #Hades Game #Sonic the Hedgehog #Lupin III #Persona 5

[khaleesiofalicante]

(I FORGOT TO SEND THIS LAST NIGHT IM GONNA KMS- I LITERALLY ONLY HAVE 15 MINUTES WITH A FUCKING TIMER)

GIGI GIGI GIGI

life goes on is the rec 😭

omg she carved wood

that's so cool

Dada and Georgia won’t let anything happen to mama and Abigail.

BABY ABIGAIL

aww she is so sure that the baby's a girl

LMAO JACE-

Abigail Jonathan Lovelace Lightwood

it's beautiful

Her feet were never meant to be on the ground.

She was always meant to soar.

MY GIRL IM SO-

so true

Georgia wanted to say things were back to normal between the two of them.

But things, no matter the drama and the pain and the chaos, had never changed between the two of them.

Even amidst all of that, they had been Lexi and Gigi.

Maybe that’s what it meant to be parabatai.

To be steady and unchanging – even in the face of death and destruction.

you are so perfect i would do anything for these two

their bond i love it so much

i was literally just watching the gintars episode from b99

like-

NOOO SHE MISSES ROMAN

GET HERE YOU LITTLE SHIT-

jkjk i love him

oh they are moving to idris

“Oh, I am sorry,” mama said. “How many times have you been pregnant?”

I CHOKED ON MY SPAGHETTI

JACE DOESN'T WANT THE NAME TO BE JONATHAN USDUHDSEHUKFEUH

SIZZY NAMED BOTH THEIR CHILDREN TO PISS HIM OFF I CANT-

Mia is right. all shadowhunters are shit at talking

TALK TO HIM

LEXI USING THE WINDOW-

DUHUHDSCUHDFUKH I LOVE HER

“Yep,” Lexi nodded. “I’ve already mapped out the easiest air route.”

THEIR FRIENDSHIP GET ME SOMETHING LIKE THAT

oh

OH

Nephilim are obsessed with The One.

ikr

like chill out

date around, test waters

NOPE WE'RE GETTING MARRIED NEXT WEEK

Then perhaps they are not worth the love you have for them. It doesn’t matter where you fit under the rainbow or what you call yourself, at the end of the day, all relationships, no matter their nature, are about respect and understanding. If someone doesn’t respect you or understand you because you don’t fit their expectations of what you should be, then you shouldn’t worry about them so much.

YES!!!!

Awww a high five

LEXI DSUIHDUHHUDF

“Fuck other people,” Lexi said.

“I can’t,” Georgia said. “That’s my whole thing.”

I laughed way too hard at this

“And they should remake all the Avengers movies, but make it gayer,” Lexi pointed out.

never seen avengers but i agree

lexi just talk to her. run over, tell her you like her and the run away

the best way

“You never complicate things, Gigi. You always make everything better.”

OH IT'S RAINING OUTSIDE????

i dont wanna get up

that sentence is so true.

gigi you make things so much better

dont ever doubt that

alright bitches square up. im about to beat those shitheads who made fun of roman

“I learned there are lots of bad people in the world,” Roman said. “Different kinds. Some of them are scary and powerful. But others are young and stupid. It doesn't matter if we are not going after the princes of hell. There are lots of bad guys to fight, Gigi. So, don’t worry. We can fight them together.”

everytime i think i cant love these two more

oh my god he googled the distance

OH MY GOD HE PORTALED HERE

fuck they spread rumours about her asexuality??

FUCK SHADOWHUNTERS DUDE WHAT THE FUCK

But the human mind only had a finite amount of space. Georgia preferred to fill her mind with the important details.

Like all her research.

And mama’s beautiful eyes. Dada’s soft voice. Lexi’s comforting touch

Roman’s soft smile.

Everything else…was irrelevant.

this...I aspire to be like this

“If we were in a relationship, would you be happy?” Georgia asked.

“I’ll be happy as long as I am with you,” Roman said.

EVERYONE SHUT UP IM GOING TO CRY

Georgia smiled at Roman. “I like you and I like us.”

“Okay,” he said, and his entire face lit up.

She wondered how anyone couldn’t like him.

I am so happy for them just-

so precious

“I don’t really know what any of this means. I spoke to Magnus, and he told me not to worry about labels and to just do what makes me happy and I realized…I realized you make me happy. I do like you. I like it so much when you smile. And I like it even better when I know I am the reason behind it.”

“Then that’s all that matters,” Roman smiled. “We can figure out the rest.”

I AM GONNA SCREAM

MY HEART IS SO SOFT RIGHT NOW

“I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. About myself. Who I am and what that means to people around me. I thought if I can figure it out, I can fix it. But every time I tried to figure it out, I just ended up with more questions. I don’t…I don’t think people are supposed to be figured out. People are not puzzles. They don’t need to be fixed.”

this is so so true

im going to cry these two

“Yes,” Roman whispered. “You are enough.”

YOU ARE ENOUGH SHUT UP I AM GONNA CRY

LEXI IS JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING

I SWEAR I LOVE THEM MORE EVERY TIME

AYYY THEY GOT WIFI

AND THEY CAN USE PHONES

TAKE ME TO IDRIS

these kids damn....

chill out dude

“Is it true your brain is bigger than everyone’s?”

sigh

i am reading a research about this now because i wanna know how the size and intelligence are related-

ok not nessecarily

AWW THEY RAN AWAY WHEN THEY SAW RAFE

DUDE THAT'S SO-

“Kids are weird,” Rafael said.

so true

ANJALI CANT COOK SDYYIUDSYUHFE

OMG YES LET'S BOP TO BTS TOGETHER CAN I JOIN

“Because we should only kill out of desperation,” Rafael said. “Not out of passion.”

dude i-

he's so right

“What I want for my Clave is to spend a little more time creating things than destroy them.”

YES

She had been worried about being good enough for other people.

She had worked and proved that she was indeed good enough.

But the thing was, people never got enough of 'good enough'.

Once you prove yourself, they wanted to see more.

They wanted you to do more.

fuck people

you dont have to do any thing gigi

not if you dont want to

i am so happy for her. she's happy with herself and that's enough

LMAO SIMON-

She liked where she was right now.

No. She loved it.

And that was enough.

She was enough.

I am so glad.

She's such an icon i love her so much

i cant believe this is the last time i'll read her pov

she's the most unproblematic person ever

OK I HAVE LIKE A FEW MINUTES LEFT KEEP THIS LITTLE SNIPPET FROM RWRB AU, FOR NOW, I'LL BE BACK IN THE NIGHT

"I don't know how we're going to proceed with this but I promise you, I won't let them hurt you."

Also it is so unusual to think of the consul and it's not alec like I love rafe so much but during this chp every time the consul was mentioned I was like "oh yes alec" like the time where one of them was like "the consul doesn't want us killing the princes of hell"

rafe I love you more than anything but this is gonna take some time for my brain to get used to.

THERE ARE SO MANY TYPOS AND I MAYBE LEFT ONE OF THOSE HEADERS I DO TO SEPERATE THE FIC TEXT FROM MY THOUGHTS UH OK BYE ILY

OKAY BUT MY FA VORITE PART IS YOUR ADVICE FOR LOVE CONFESSIONS:

"lexi just talk to her. run over, tell her you like her and the run away."

10/10

It's gonna take a lot of people to get used to the fact that rafe is consul. we'll get there x.

#I HOPE YOU ARE SLEEPING YOU HEATHEN #evie boo thang #lbaf

[natsukitakama]

Being in relationship with the weeping monk would include :

Author note : alright I know I promised to write about Merlin and the green knight and I will. I just couldn’t stop thinking about this . Also it’s been like three months since my last writing I hope I won’t disappoint you. I expect to work on my request as soon as possible ♡ Love u guys

 I'll definetly write a Merlin and Green knights’ part 

i do not own the gif credit to the owner 

Warning : some mention of smut but nothing too serious / mention of trauma / Spoiler 

A lot of patience, I cannot imagine how much trauma this man went through. Apparently he is the only survivor (or at least Ash are barely here anymore) from his species and believe during his whole life that he was damned, he should be ashamed about his true being. In addition he grew up into a fanatical church, so it might be difficult to get to know him especially if you are a fey 

Unlike his « father » he doesn’t hate fey but believe they need to expel their darkness such as him and that’s why he is working hard for the church so he could earn his freedom and soul. But then he realized they were barely followed their own rule, monk aren’t supposed to kill children but his father does. 

He felt betrayed and had no longer a place and a purpose to follow. I’m pretty sure he’ll follow squirrel since he does seem to like him. It will take time for him to trust you enough to even talk with you and it won’t help if you’re fey cause he won’t understand why you’re trying to be nice to him especially because of the killing he’s done for the church 

If you want to get close to him just take your time, the man can be harsh and he’ll be on the defensive since his background with the church. It will take time but he will be nicer with you eventually 

He tends to go nicer if you’re caring with him, always asking him how he is doing, if he is feeling well, proposing yourself to patch him or anything. He is a touch-starved adult man, and I believe he doesn’t have much love in his life neither from the church nor from his family (or barely since he was raised by Father) 

When he will finally feel confortable enough around you, he’ll talk a lot about you from specific things such as what are you working on, how’s your training doing, to banality : anything to make you talk honestly. He just loves your voice it just calm him down everytime. He loves your voice, he really loves it. 

He loves your smile too and would be jealous anytime he saw you smiling to anyone who isn’t him 

Cause here’s the thing, he is a monk, he shouldn’t be materialist or anything but he can’t help : if there is something to know about Lancelot is that he does not share. Not even you. 

Even if you’re not in relationship, he believes no one has the right to be next to you, he is working hard to earn that right so he’ll threaten ( sending death glare) anyone who’ll be too comfortable around you. I’m not joking about it this is man is possessive fight me on this. 

At this point you would ask me, how does he fall in love with us ? Easy one : One night after a huge fight he was sitting near of a camp fire, everyone was already asleep too sore to bother extinguish the flames, everyone but you and him. As you were walking into your bed for the night you catch him staring at the fire, he looked focused and lost at the same time as if he were asking  himself « what the hell i’m doing here ». You were wondering if he didn’t have a second thought, after all he joined you and squirrel not that long ago he might be still into the church’s philosophy. So you walked into his direction, determined to know what’s going on Lancelot’s mind. When you sat close to him he barely moves as if he was expecting you to do something like this. 

At first you said nothing not knowing what to say to hurt him. But seeing him focused, looking as lost as a  child, gave you strength to face him and his insecurities. So you asked him what’s wrong and if you could help in any way. 

He didn’t say anything, but judging by his expression you knew he was looking at his word carefully. 

« Do you think I am monster ? » 

« What ? »

« Y/N do you think i’m monster ? » 

« No of course not why would you say that ? » 

He didn’t answer back instead he just stared at the fire and then you realized what was behind his question 

« Lance’ look I can’t say that I know what you’re experiencing right know as much as I can’t say that I understand what you’re going through. But I know something Lance’ no matter what people would say about you, remember that me, Y/N do not see you as a monster quite contrary all I see right now is a broken man trying to find his path. » 

« How can you say that ? I-I murdered a lot of us » 

« But you’re trying to change, you did once to save squirrel and you’re trying again » 

« How can you be so sure about it ? I still believe on the power of the church » 

« Lance… Do you think I am monster ? Do I deserve to die ? » 

« What ? No ! Of course not » 

« See ? You’re changing and if you want another argument you never be so talkative before » 

Hearing him chuckled told you you were successful for now at least. You knew he needed to take time because of everything he’s been through. You never noticed, but that day he realized by his quick answer that you mean something to him. He knew by his reaction that he would never be able to hurt you. You put faith on him while he couldn’t even believe in him, you were genuine with him and he knew that you meant everything you told him that. 

That day the weeping monk decided that he’ll do everything in his power to make you happy even if he would need to stay away. 

I believe he’ll still follow his moral and would still respect most of the rule he learnt from the church. But the moment he realized that you were his everything and that you might feel the same, well let’s say he forgot couple of rules (especially the one who prohibited marriage) 

He is into marriage fight me on this 

Being in relationship with him implies helping him when he feels down especially when is questioning is whole being as a person. Cause he is truly fucked up, he believes he doesn’t deserve to live, the church was supposed to be the only way to save him from damnation. Now all he can do is to rely on you. 

He will need a tone of times 

He also needs attention, but be careful cause the man got reputation and is pretty awkward with all those things since I believe no one was very careful and kind with him. 

He is touch-starved meaning he would crave for attention, but he isn’t comfortable enough so there things he will tolerate in private while some things would be okay in public. 

For example he doesn’t mind holding you hand (he loves it your hand is so small and feel so sweet against his calloused one) even in public especially if notices someone starring at you 

He likes hug but don’t do frequently though. He was raised to become a monk, I believe he never received any mark of affection or barely so he is still a bit tense about you being physical with him. 

He is a monk but he is still a man and well he got urges and he can’t focus on stopping those kind of thought when you’re holding him tightly, pressing your chest against him. But there is time when he just can’t help but needing to have you against him. 

Same thing for kiss, it’s so intimate, so intoxicating it’s like you were the one in charge of his own body and mind. He is overwhelmed by way too many feelings at once, so kiss are only tolerated when you two are alone. 

At this point, you’ll understand that this man is a virgin baby 

And if we’re talking about sex well, he is a monk. Safe to say you would be his first and probably he is last. It will take a long time before he would even consider being intimate with you, it was one thing to betray the church but breaking his vows was quite another. 

Kissing you or hugging you doesn’t make him feel bad in the meaning it wasn’t for him as if he was breaking one of his vows. I’m not saying that he is asexual but I’m sure he can live without having sex with someone (even if sometimes he feels the need to have you right here and then, he can control it he does it all the time). 

If he feels like he could dedicate his whole life to you, well you feel it when you two would be intimate. 

Let’s say he counterbalances his lack of experience by skills and a tone of worship, I can’t explain how he could do that, but the man is a worshiper (no punt intended). 

He kisses and caresses a lot 

When you two are linked, he expects you to be on the top in every way (especially because he is aware of his lack of experience and also because he turned him on to see you being in charge, more than he would like to admit) 

During your first time he didn’t last as long as he expects to last, especially because he was overwhelmed by all the feelings and the love he could feel through you. 

He tends to last longer after that 

I didn’t underline it enough, but I think the man is pretty sensitive in all way. He may look like a cold soldier but he is doing a good job at internalize his feelings. Which could be a huge obstacle for a relationship cause he tends to not talk about his feeling hence the difficulty for you sometimes cause you don’t know what to do to make him feel comfortable enough to talk to you. 

Don’t worry just give him time, remind him that you’re here to help him, that he is not alone. Let him go to you when he feels like it. 

It will take time but it’ll be worth it : he is very carrying, he would love you in a way you would never expect someone to love you like this. He would be your friends, your lover, your protector. 

Yeah because he is overprotecting don’t ever try to protest that’s a battle you won’t win : you’re too precious. 

#Cursed Netflix #cursed #daniel sharman #the weeping monk #the weeping monk x reader #the weeping monk x you #Lancelot x reader #Lancelot x you #cursed Netflix headcanon #the weeping monk headcanon

[jamiedc-they-them]

Being Otis’ sibling would include:

AN// Spoilers for whole show. Also, sorry, this one I kind of ran with? Hope you like it :))

 You are a bit on the socially awkward side like your brother.

However, you’re more of an introvert; you let the world go around you and be a background extra rather than be a main in it’s story.

You’re more closed off, more defensive than your brother.

Your opposite on a lot of things, but balance each other out.

Your creative, he’s more academic

It’s mainly just the two of you and Eric. Best pals.

You, like him, are knowledgeable on sex, from your mother, even if you aren’t into that (the sex part or the other part)

Your mother always could tell with you, and assured you there was nothing wrong with it:

“Y/N, darling, you know there is nothing wrong with not wanting those type of relationships, right?”

“…Thanks, mum.”

Although it isn’t spoken, you both hold resentment for your father.

When Otis is picked as Adam’s partner, he gives you a panicked look. You, however, shrug; what can you do?

You are paired with Maeve, which is something that does annoy your brother:

“Trade?” He asks

“What? No. I’m not trading Maeve for Adam.”

“Y/N.” He pleads in a whining tune.

“Sorry, mate. Good luck though.” You wish him, leaving to follow Maeve.

For some reason, she gets the idea she can trust you and allows you to go to her house, knowing that Adam and Otis will not be a good pairing.

“If you tell anyone about this, I’ll kill you, got it?” Part of her is kind of silently laughing at your scared face. You are quick to assure her this secret stays with you, to the grave.

As you talk, and do find out you have a few things in common.

Of course, you both don’t tell each other everything. But you get a decent reading on each other.

She can tell that, compared to your brother, you’re holding a lot more in.

“How is it?” She asks

“How’s what?”

“Being siblings with him?”

“Otis?” She nods

“It’s nice, knowing you have someone that kind having your back, you know? You can cock up horribly and he’ll still be there. He’s loyal.” You answer.

She considers it, “Not many of those people left.”

“Not as many as I’d like.”

Fair to be said, when you come in happy, and actually almost getting along with Maeve, Otis isn’t the most happy about this.

When the news about your mum comes out, you and him both storm out.

That leads to an argument;

“Why couldn’t we swap?” He asks

“You think it would’ve fixed anything?”

“I don’t know?! Just…”

Maeve is quick to stop your arguing, she knows how bad sibling arguments can get.

When it comes to Adam, you and your brother play rock, paper, scissors to see who it’ll be.

You win, doing the nerdy fist pump as he has to do it.

You see Maeve roll her eyes at your antics.

So, with Maeve bringing in clients, Otis doing the talking, and you doing the PR (in a way) the clinic is born.

However, there is a point of contention between you and your brother; Maeve.

He see’s that you both are genuine friends, with you going out more and more at night.

“Where have you been?” He asks you, whenever you come in (after your mum has asked you of course. Your honest with her)

“To see a mate.”

“What mate?”

“I have other friends, Otis.”

“I know, Y/N. It’s just –”

“You think I’m,” Cough, “Doing…that, with Maeve, don’t you?”

“Wha—No?!”

“It’s ok, Otis. I get that you like her and all. But, just to assure you, no, we’re not together. We are just genuinely friends.”

“Oh…right.”

He seems happy for you, but you can tell there is a bit of jealousy.

However, you don’t hold it against him. You understand that he has feelings for Maeve, and do support him with it.

However, Maeve can read you well, so you try and be careful when you bring up your brother.

When the party at Aimee’s happens, you try and drum up business as well.

You get split up from the group, desperately escaping to the outside, only to see your mother outside:

“Mum?”

“Oh, Y/N, darling, hello.”

“What are you doing here?”

“Oh, just in the area.”

“…You were spying on us, weren’t you?” You accuse her.

“I – yes, darling, I was. I’ve already had this talk with your brother.”

Being in a house of constant sex therapy, and being the way you are (asexual, aromantic) can be a bit of a contradiction of times.

For example, when Otis has his wet dream, the topic does make you a bit uncomfortable.

Maeve calls you, asking you tom meet her. She tells you a time and tells you to get there on-time.

And you do, you go to the clinic just as she goes into the room. You get yelled at by the protesters, but you walk it off.

“Don’t you care about the poor child living in there?”

“At this stage? To be honest, more about the woman.” You’re honest, but not horrible to them about it.

You come in your casual clothes, just sit there and wait.

Otis joins you, flowers in hand and wearing a suit.

“Oh, bloody hell, you thought it was a date, didn’t you?”

“…Maybe.”

“Classy first date.”

“Piss off.”

When Maeve comes out, you both great her and walk with her.

She texts you later: Maybe your brother is not so bad, after all.

Otis comes to you about the whole Jackson thing:

“I can sabotage him.”

“Seriously?”

“Of course I am, Y/N. I need your help –”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! I’m not the talking guy, you are.”

“Yeah, but your more convincing.”

“No.”

“Please.”

“No.”

“I’ll give you the money he’s given to me and that I can’t seem to bloody lose.”

“But I thought you wanted to give –”

“I can’t lose it, Y/N! I’d rather not stare at it.”

“Then don’t?”

“Take it?”

“No, you take it.”

However, you do see how it ends, and do feel for your brother.

As much as you may not have supported his methods, you could see why he did it.

You both find out what happens to Eric, and both take the blame for it.

“Seriously, Y/N, you too? You’d rather pick this girl you’ve known for a few weeks at best over me?”

“It’s not like that –”

“Then what is it like?!” Words are exchanged, and he leaves.

However, then you meet Ola and Jakob.

Ola’s nice; friendly, sincere. You like her.

“So, you’re Y/N.” She says as a greeting, shaking your hand.

“That is I, madam.” She laughs at it.

You become good friends fairly quicky. But, she respects your boundaries about the past.

You see how close your mum is getting to Jakob, and it just doesn’t sit right with you.

So, you call Maeve. She’s quick to answer:

“Pisshead?”

“Hey, uh – can…can we talk?” She detects the tremble in your voice.

“Where are you? What’s wrong?”

“I can’t really tell you over the phone.” You tell her to meet you at the bridge.

She meets you there quite quickly:

“You want to tell me what’s going on?”

You take a breath to collect yourself, “My mum’s met this new guy…” So, you tell her about how your mother seeing someone new feels off to you. And you confess to her that you don’t know what the fuck is going on with Otis and Ola. She just lets you ramble the whole time.

At the end, she grabs your hands in hers, “Have you told Otis any of this?” She asks, softly.

“…No. No, not yet, anyway. He’s got his own issues and –”

“You have needs too, Y/N. You can’t go running around for him, forever. He’s your brother, a good one, he’ll listen. But…I’m here too.” She vows.

“Maybe he can give me a freebee on a session?” You joking say.

“Yeah, have to pay, of course, but I can slide you in for a meeting.” She fired back in the same manner.

“Thanks, Maeve.”

She hugs you, not saying anything.

Then the dance comes around.

Starts off well enough, you say hi to all your friends.

You and Otis both make up with Eric. It’s nice to have your best mates back.

Then you both save Liam, both convincing him not to jump.

You, however, see that Maeve looks at your brother differently. You always hated that “friends don’t look at each other like that” bollocks. But, you see that she has it read all over her face as well.

Then Jackson talks about what Otis did.

You get out just at the end of their confrontation, and Maeve turns to you in anger:

“Did you know?”

“Maeve –”

“Did you know?”

You go to speak, but Otis speaks for you;

“Y/N had nothing to do with it. It was just me, Maeve.”

She just looks at you, waiting and watching for something to confirm the words are a lie.

However, when she see’s that nothing has happened, she accepts it and storms off.

Now you’re in an awkward situation; between your brother and a close friend of yours.

Both parties don’t want you to be forced to choose, so they leave you out of it.

However, there is a bonding moment with you and your brother; mainly learning about the book your mother was written on you both. Well, more Otis, but there is a chapter on you.

That’s when it all just explodes:

“You can’t just do that, mum!”

“Can’t do what, darling?”

“Can’t just – can’t just put our entire lives in that bloody book! You gonna mention dad? You gonna mention how you make your other child feel uncomfortable with all the sex talk? How the world wants them to conform to some fucking normality, but they can’t because they just don’t feel that way?”

Your mother can do nothing but watch as you breakdown in front of her, how it all comes bubbling to the surface.

Time goes on, however. And you start going to therapy sessions in school.

Maeve contacts you every so often, but you don’t really reply too much.

Your brother and Ola help you as much as they can, helping you get up in the mornings and including you if they go out for something.

Ola and you become closer friends as well, despite the weirdness of your mum dating her dad.

You bring that up to your therapist a lot.

The two (especially Otis) support you during this time. They encourage the therapy and talking to them when needed.

When school restarts, Otis keeps a close eye on you, knowing that you burned yourself out last time, and he won’t let it happen again.

When Maeve comes back, he makes sure to point it out, hoping that can help in some way:

“You seen Maeve’s back?” He asks, as he gets some books from his locker.

“Sure.” You answer, almost apathetically.

Eric sits with you on breaks and when Otis can’t be there, doing what he can.

Otis ignores the tension between himself and Maeve when he pulls her aside one day:

“You have English next with Y/N, right?” He asks her.

“Yeah.” She answers, already being able to tell where this is going.

“Can you –”

“Of course I’m going to keep an eye on him.” She finishes for him (ha)

And she lives up to that promise, doing just that as you write some things down whilst not listening.

When the teacher gets pissy at you, she stands up for you:

“Sir, Y/N is going through something, lay off.”

Otis thanks her for that after the lesson

Then you are off on the trip with your father Remi

You both find out the real reason for the trip. That he was using it as a way to get away from a newly broken up relationship and to find another.

Then comes the party.

You, in your state that has (sadly) been declining, drink till your hearts content. Eric and Rahim try to warn you, but you keep going.

You brother also spirals. Although, out of the two, you are way more wasted.

Ola arrives, and she is pissed. You haven’t exactly been keeping up with affairs.

You vomit in the sink, with your brother drunkenly trying to help you by patting your back, but he only ends up falling over.

It’s Eric who helps you.

Then he does his speech; in it, he includes you as he rambles (apparently being “on a roll”)

“And then there’s my sibling, Y/N. They’ve been struggling for a while, guys, and has anyone noticed? No, but I have, because I’m a good brother. So, even if I can’t have those two (Maeve and Ola) than at least I have, Y/N.”

The next day, before leaving with Ruby, he remembers parts of what he said, but to him it’s a blur:

“Y/N, I’m so sorry.”

“So, what? I’m just a second fiddle to them?”

“No, of course not. You’re my sibling, Y/N. That comes before anything. I was drunk, and pissed at them. I didn’t mean to leave you out or make you feel that way.”

The day out with Ruby actually helps your bond repair, as you both go back to old times; doing the weirdest shit together. In this case, helping a girl Otis had sex with.

Still, Ruby comes around to liking the two of you.

You both go to your father, united as one.

You both confront him on the pain he’s brought you, and how it hurt you both and how you both carried a part of the blame.

He’s quick to try to dissuade you, but you both move on.

However, you see that your brother has a revelation. He calls Maeve to explain it.

Then, he goes with you to therapy.

Despite it all, despite the things you could and do say to each other. Despite the way you both are different in many ways, you’ll always come back home.

You both care about each other. You’ve been through a lot.

You have each other. And, sometimes, that’s enough.

#otis milburn imagine #otis milburn headcannon #sex education headcannon

[willowcrowned]

TCW is mostly just very bad, but sometimes it’s so bad it’s good. The prime example of this? The episode where the premise is that Ziro, Jabba’s southern drag queen cousin, has just been broken out of jail by a blue guy with a hat fetish named Cad Bane, and Obi-Wan and his periodic hookup Quinlan Vos have to go get him back. This is just the premise.

Let me explain my thoughts further by way of a recap:

Ziro goes back to his home planet of Swamp Planet and gets imprisoned by the council of slugs, including a weirdly buff one, who are all related to him, making this basically a family reunion but with hired dancers and tons of guns. Now, as it turns out, Ziro’s lip-injectioned frog pop star beard ex girlfriend actually WORKS for the council of slugs, and, in a truly touching scene that I couldn’t stop cackling at, she uses her proboscis lips to kiss him through the cell bars. Cut to Obi-Wan bitching about Quinlan Vos. Cut back to Swamp Planet. 

Frog GF breaks Ziro out of jail and brings them to his... mother? spawner? Hutt biology is never really explained. In any case, the mountain of opaque jello with hands that is possibly Ziro’s mother or, in a less-popular reading, his sugar momma, lends him a ship to get off planet to Teth, where Ziro has hidden a journal full of dirt on each and every member of the slut council. The slug council is understandably mad about this, which is why they imprisoned him in the first place. (I am just now realizing that I forgot to mention the Dirt Journal. Let me assure you that, while a majorly important device for this episode, the Dirt Journal is in no way central to the enjoyment of it. It’s not like anyone watches tcw for the plot.) Cut to Obi-Wan and Biceps McGee bitching at each other, talking to the slug council, etc. Then they go talk to Jello Mountain— Obi-Wan flirts, Quinlan wrecks some shit, typical stuff. I cannot emphasize enough how you really could not expect anything different from these two.

Cut back to Frog GF and Ziro, who are at Ziro’s... father’s(?) grave. Again, I think Hutts are supposed to reproduce asexually, but I respect Filoni for deciding that they Fuck. Brilliant stuff, man. Truly revolutionary. Ziro retrieves the Dirt Journal, turns to Frog GF, about to betray her... and she fucking shoots him. She fucking shoots him on his father’s grave and takes the journal. I think she even blows him a kiss as he squirms about dramatically in his death throes, but I’ll be honest, I was laughing too hard at this point to pay attention.

Then! Obi-Wan, Quinlan, and Blue-Man-Group-Knockoff show up, see Ziro dead, and (for no apparent reason) have a dramatic fight about it. Personally, I think it’s a metaphor for something else, but justifying that would require re-examining every duel in tcw for gay subtext and that would take forever. (I’d like to clarify that the reason it would take forever is not because of the lack of gay subtext, but in fact because of the exact opposite.) Obi-Wan flirts with both of them, Quinlan is annoyed that Obi-Wan is flirting with someone who isn’t him (and is much more annoyed by that, may I add, than the idea of Obi-Wan flirting with someone trying to kill them), and Cad Bane is. (understandably) Mildly turned on. Obi-Wan and Quinlan Vos get tossed off (a cliff) and Bane loses his hat but escapes with his lil jetpack shoes.

Does the episode end with Obi-Wan and Quinlan capturing Bane? Does it end with them getting the Dirt Journal? Does it end with the implied threesome I was half-expecting? Absolutely not. You know what it does end with?

It ends with Frog GF giving the Dirt Journal to Jabba and revealing that she was a double agent all along, and that this was all an elaborate setup to get revenge on her southern drag queen slug ex boyfriend. 

Roll Credits.

#tcw is often just a dumpster fire #but sometimes it is a dumpster fire that is also made up of exploding fireworks #you should really really look away #but you can't #you just. can't #this episode and the episode where R2 and 3PO meet some fairies are my favorites #I think the reasons should be obvious #star wars #tcw #the hunt for ziro #ziro the hutt #obi wan kenobi #quinlan vos #cad bane #star wars: the clone wars