manythoughtmanyprayers

[manythoughtmanyprayers]

if anyone had told me a year ago that i would be grieving from a sort-of relationship, i would probably laugh at their faces. because a year ago i was just starting said “relationship”, and my thoughts at that time were a mixture of “this won’t last that long, it’ll be easy to get over” and “i’m starting to see a good future with this person, and luckily we can last, because everything is going well, so well”. and indeed things were going well at that time, but little did i know of what was coming later on.

i have always had issues when it comes to guys. i either liked the ones who didn’t like me back, or the ones that did would just get over me a few weeks later. that plus my own insecurities and lack of self-esteem are a match made in heaven regarding my own perception of relationships. whenever guys happen to take an interest in me the voices in my head just go “it won’t last long, don’t worry too much”, and that was the case with you as well.

the moment you replied to my story back in november 14th my mind went blank. how come this guy, who i had been crushing over since the beginning of summer, who just started following me a few days prior, decided to dm me? and how come it lasted all day? and how come he showed interest in me, when he barely knew me? so of course, i didn’t have much hope about it lasting, even if the interest was there the very next day, and the day next to it, and the day after. even if you were sad that i didn’t give you much attention during that night out, or when you asked me out, or when we went to get coffee on that cold night of december 117th, or even when you still kept texting me and show interest the days that followed. i was so surprised and in awe that it was happening to me i couldn’t believe it. however, no matter how cautious i was trying to be and to take things slow, i ended up in your bed exactly one week later, and i regretted nothing. was it perhaps too quick for me and for what i was used to? maybe, but i was surprisingly comfortable with you, you made me forget about everything that was going on in my head from how safe you made me feel. had anyone told me that i would be in that situation, that there would be a boy who liked me and with whom i felt so safe and comfortable around in such a short period of time, i would not believe it one bit. yet that was the reality i was living in, and it kept going for a while, and it kept getting better and better.

despite my lack of social skills, the communication was always so flowy and easy, the care and love was always there, the reassurance never lacked, the serious and the fun were well balanced, the sex - god, the sex - was greater than i had ever imagined, specially for someone that at some point believed deeply that was asexual. everything felt like a fairytale almost, still with the real life struggles. but those struggles were always taken care of in the moment, we would talk it out and move forward better than before. you made me feel safe, comfortable, cared for, important, like a priority. you reassured me and comforted me and helped me when i was feeling down, you respected me and my timing and my personal space. i was happy, growing and changing for the better, seeing a future with you in it that made me feel scared yet excited and anxious to have. i was falling hard, harder than i even thought i could, even without realizing it. but then, then everything started going downhill.

the reassurance started to fade, the communication started to shorten and lacked substance, the distance grew between us so quickly that i barely noticed, or noticed how bad it was getting. the care was still there, but it always felt so short and random, instead of constant and long-lasting like before. we were both at fault, for different reasons, however there was only one of us trying to save it.

if there is something that everybody could see clearly regarding us was how much i tried. i tried, and tried, and tried until i could no longer keep trying. i spent countless nights awake in my bed trying to see what was going wrong, why it was going wrong, what i could do to make it work, what i could change to make us go back to what we had. i blamed it on the distance, on our busy lives, on our insecurities and our pasts, on our context, even on astrology and that damn Neptune retrograde. and i thought that if i worked hard enough, if i showed empathy and gave you what you seemed to need, that we would work out. i thought that if i made everything to make you happy that i would be happy as well, even if i was hurting and doubting everything on the inside. i always put yourself first and me second, because you were my priority, because i was scared that if i were to lose you, i would never find anyone with whom i could have a connection with like the one i have with you. that i would never be able to give myself away to other people like i did with you. that i would never experience what you gave me again in my life. so i started to lose myself in the middle of the fights and make ups, i started to lose control of my own needs and feelings, and just thought of you and of being with you at any cost.

but you, you never seemed to care about us, or at least made the effort to make us work. no matter how much we fought and how much i told you about how i felt deep down, about my expectations and my insecurities, no matter how many times i made you see that there was something missing between us that only you could bring to the table, that i had done everything to make us work and that now was the time for you to put the effort and change and help our connection, you always stayed the same. i get it, these last few months have been chaotic for you, yet you could’ve told me and we could get through it together, like we used to. you were more busy than me, understandable. but we were busy before as well, and i still made the effort to change what needed to be changed about me in order to make our relationship flow better, no matter how difficult it became for me and how many times i slipped back into my toxic mechanisms. so how come you never even tried to work on yourself? how come, no matter how many warnings i gave you, and how many times you agreed with me and said that indeed you had issues that needed to be taken care of, you never made the first step to work on it? because no matter how many therapists you have and how many pills you take, it always starts with us taking the first step of accepting that we have a problem and really wanting to change that.

so many times i thought “i should search for help” and never did because i thought i could do it myself, yet it was only when i saw myself at the risk of loosing you, and loosing what we had, and saw that my personal issues would eventually affect other aspects of my life, that i admitted to myself that it was time to change, so i took that step, and started to do it for real by myself until i got the outside help. and that’s were you lacked. you know very well what is wrong with you, what affected us as a duo, and that i always told you that i was here for you and to help you in anyway i could for you to get better, and never even tried to heal and evolve. was i not worth the change? was what you feel for me not enough for you to realize that you were loosing me (and in the end you did) and that, in order for that to not happen, you needed to work on yourself like i did? perhaps i’m not as important to you as you are to me. perhaps you can easily live without me, and would rather live like that than to change. because this isn’t just about us, this is also about you and what’s best for you, because the longer you let those demons live inside of you, the most difficult it’ll be to get rid of them, and the more damage you will do to your future relationships. this is me looking out for you and for your future, despite what happened between us, because with or without you in my life, i still care and love you, and i always will, that won’t go away.

you might think that just because i told you that i needed to live without you in my life that i hate you and that i don’t care about you. that isn’t the case in the slightest. no matter how many times i found myself crying because of you, no matter how down i was, i can’t bring myself to hate you. yes, things you did and things you said hurt like a bitch, and yes, many times that i would vent to other people i just wanted to put a bullet in your head. but that’s what happens when you love someone so hard, the harder you love the more you get hurt. yet i can’t hate you, i can’t hold a grudge over you and what you did. it was shitty, it still is, but that’s life, and all i can take from this are lessons. lessons like how amazing it is to give myself to someone and to not be afraid to do it, because i will always get rewarded with something good, or how strong i actually am, how amazing it feels to let someone take my burdens off my shoulders and comfort me, or how stubborn and determined i am, what a fighter i am. with you i learned that love is real, that sex is great, that i can let others heal my inner child and heal my wounds, that i’m not as unlovable as i made myself be. but that love can also hurt like a bitch, that i must set boundaries and limits in order to not lose myself in a connection again, and that i must be a priority to myself.

i’m hurting. despite people seeing a confident and evolved version of myself on the outside, i’m still hurting a lot on the inside. i try to mask it so people don’t question me and i start crying in front of them, i would rather cry in my bed alone at night or in the office with my therapist. but you haven’t left my mind since i last talked to you, you’re still living in my head rent free and it seems that you won’t be leaving anytime soon. sometimes i’m able to trick myself into not let you consume my thoughts every 5 minutes, other times you’re at the very front of my head, and nothing else beats your place. almost like an open wound that i have in my heart, some days it hurts like a bitch, others i barely notice it. i keep questioning if you miss me, if you’re doing ok with our distance, if you think of me as much as i think of you, if you also think of me whenever something reminds you of me, if you still like me. i wonder if you’ll ever come back to me, or if you’ll just move on and forget about me. that is something i won’t be able to do for sure. because despite how much you hurt me, despite knowing that you in my life right now would just delay my healing process, i still have hope that you’ll get better, and that you’ll come back to me, and that we’ll be able to try again, for good this time. and if you don’t, well, i’ll just have to deal with it. i like to think of me letting you go for now as me taking care of that wound. i would rather suffer now and let it heal slowly but surely, than to simply put a bandaid in it and move forward, knowing that it can easily come off and the pain will only get worse.

my door is closed, but it’s never locked. you’ll just need a new key to come back inside.

#rants #thoughts

[manythoughtmanyprayers]

I'm trying to free myself from my doubts and thoughts, yet you're holding me hostage in your silence

[manythoughtmanyprayers]

i was just putting all of my clothes from the dorm back in my closet at home, vibing with NCT and in a good mood, yet as soon as i picked up the sweater you always wore when you would spend the night with me and i hugged it i just started crying, that easily.

i don't know if it's because I'm tired of being in this limbo between going back to you and ending everything, or because i fucking miss you like crazy. i was dancing in my room and next thing i knew tears were running down my face.

living in this constant uneasiness has been sucking the life out of me, and even tho i was comfortable with the silence between us in the beginning (i owe it to my therapist), it's starting to eat me up alive now, slowly but surely, cause every day that passes i start thinking about you more and more, questioning whether you hate me or not, whether you wish to get back together or if you're making up your mind to leave me, and you're just waiting for the right time to tell me that you're done. and instead of passing as if i'm completely in control and fine with that, I've started to show people that the silence is starting to affect me, letting go of the control i love so much (again, thanks therapy), and accepting that i'm not ok, that i'm lost about what to do regarding you, regarding us.

what i want to do might not be what i need right now, but if what i want can become what i need, isn't it ok keep trying? or should i just let go completely and let life guide me towards what the universe has for me? whether it's you again or someone else? will i even be ready for someone else, when you still exist? my mind feels a sand pitch and I'm a tiny ant trying to find her way home, and every step i take is unstable that can either lead me to success or make me sink deeper.

that sweater is a piece of clothing i was thinking of disposing because i don't use it as much, however letting go of it is like letting go of you and of every good memory i have of you, and I'm not sure I'm ready to do it yet. because the future is so unsure and unpredictable. i just wish it wasn't as much, that way i could finally breath in relief.

#rants

[manythoughtmanyprayers]

i'm not sure what to write about but i just feel the need to do so. writing what goes inside my head helps me clear it up a bit and allows me to breath slightly better. i could do it in my little book that nobody reads, where i can literally write anything i want without judgment, but i can also write here, where you can read (in case you've been checking it out in the last week and a half). because i don't even know if i care about you reading what i have to say or not, i don't know how i'm feeling about everything, because i'm feeling a lot of things all at the same time it's overwhelming. having time to think without obstacles and with serious help does that to someone, become aware of feelings i didn't know about until i actually dived deep into my emotions.

i think i'll just rant and write down all of the emotions i'm feeling without sugar coating or holding myself back, because i'm tired of it. and if you do come here and read this, do with whatever i will say what you want, i won't blame you for anything that you might think or feel.

i'm not mad at you. i was right after the fight, but not anymore, because i don't have the energy to be mad at you and about what was said and what wasn't. because that's in the past now, and all i can do is focus on what is happening now and what i'm feeling right now.

i'm sad about it, and about how things turned out (like every fucking time), about how things always end like this and about how this is not how i wanted things to be, in general. i'm sad that, no matter how much effort is put into this, it always ends with us fighting. we're fine until we're not, we're ok until we fight and go back to not speaking to each other for unlimited days just to make peace with each other and be ok again, just to go back to not being ok once again. it became a toxic cycle that never ends.

i'm tired of it. mentally, emotionally, even physically already. i'm tired of having to mend things up just for them to fall back to the ground just to put them all together again, and so on. ok that relationships are not always roses and rainbows, but the amount of times we fought and got back together in the past half a year has just been too tiring and toxic, for us as a couple and for us as individuals. it's not good for any of us, yet with nothing changing, it will never be.

i'm feeling nostalgic about what we had in the beginning, when everything was going well, even with shit happening around us. when our communication was spot on, even with my communication problems. we talked and talked, about anything and everything. problems were solved with a conversation and things would move on even better. you gave me the reassurance i wasn't sure i would get (since, you know, past boy problems), and comforted me in so many ways i was in awe with the fact that i had found a boy that actually knew how to communicate and knew how to reassure me and make me feel safe and comfortable in many ways. i miss those days, when i would tell you i was having a rough day and you would comfort me somehow, when you would show up at my door in the middle of the night just to see me, when i would be feeling sad and bad about myself because i felt as if i wasn't good enough for you and would feel insecure about it and you would just come spend the night with me while reassuring that i was enough, that you liked me and wanted to be with me for many reasons and that i shouldn't let my insecurities take control of my head because you would always be there for me. i miss that "you" that made me feel some sort of way that no other boy ever did, that made me question my future because i could place you in any case scenario of possible paths that i could take. no matter where i ended, what i would be doing, i could always picture you there by my side to care for me, to support me, to love me. i miss the "you" that made me fall completely in love with someone else, with me, with life.

yet i feel like along the way i lost that "you", and instead stayed a version of yourself that brought all the insecurities and the doubts and the questionings back to my daily life. with every day that passed and the communication started to be less and less, my questions and doubts just started to grow and multiply even more. the insecurities i had about myself, about us just went on steroids and grew more than ever, because of all the falling for someone again and the "seeing a future with you in it in an active way" (which did not happen the last time). and it all just made me start questioning if i should continue persuing you, persuing this connection we have, because all the good feelings i have for you are not enough to hide the insecurities and doubts, they are not enough to fight the amount of arguments we had, to fight the toxicity that grew between us.

i feel like we have been unbalanced for a while now. like I've been the only one trying to make things work, to change what needs to be changed in order for us to work, but i can only do so much. it takes us both to be aware of what needs to change and us both to do said changes if we want to be with one another without fighting constantly and in a healthy way, like we were in the beginning. without sugar coating and trying to be nice with you and trying to put your feelings above mind, i cannot tell a thing you did to change yourself or adapt yourself to me, to us in the past months. i cannot tell a thing that you did in order to make this work, and i can say that with all my heart and without a doubt because what we've been living since everything started to go to shit has been a never ending cycle, of us fighting because of something i said (or you said and i answered back), you feeling attacked by it every single time - even thought it's always just me expressing my concerns and my doubts and my feelings, it was never intended to hurt you or attack you -, us not speaking for days or weeks, you reaching out to me and us making amends and being ok again. all of this just to fall back into the same process, every damn time. and no matter how much i tried to change what i said, no matter how many times i tried to not make things worse, no matter how many times i tried to control what i said in order for you to not feel attacked, it always ends like that somehow. and in every single time there was barely any change at all from your side, you kept acting the exact same way. and i let it slide everytime, because i always kept putting you first and how you felt, i kept justifying how you function because of everything that i learned about you and your past. and all of this just created a fucking battle in my head and my heart.

i felt (and still feel to a certain point) conflicted between wanting to protect you, protect what we have, no matter how toxic it became - because I'm scared of loosing it, of loosing you -, and wanting to protect myself and my feelings and my mental sanity. i kept fighting to keep what we had alive despite knowing deep down that it was killing me inside, because i had hope we could go back to what we had in the beginning. i tried to give you what you wanted because i wished so bad for us to go back to being the "us" we were back in the beginning of the year, the "us" that made me giddy about what the future had to offer, that made me believe in love and a long lasting life full of it. i wanted to make us work so bad that i lost myself and the control of my feelings, i thought i would rather treasure what little we had than freeing us from such toxic relationship. and it was always just me doing that, with all the stresses i also had in my life and with all the things i had to worry about as well, it was always me trying to make it work, while you kept being you and kept your posture towards us.

you never once stopped to look at us, at yourself, to see what was going wrong and try to make it right, you never tried to see where we were failing, where you were failing (cause that's the only thing you can control and change), and change it to make us work. at least that's how i feel and how i see it, because that's what it seems from the outside to everyone. i have no idea if it's because you don't want to change, don't know how to change, or don't see any problem at all. however, there is one, one that must be taken care of in order for us to be ok, both together and individually. because no matter what, a relationship like this is not healthy for anyone.

and i know this all might seem like an attack to you, but it is simply the truth about what i see from my perspective and the reality we are living in. i can no longer turn a blind eye to it and keep moving like nothing is wrong, like everything is ok. because it is not, we are not ok, and we won't ever be if we keep living like this. and i'm not happy about any of this, about you acting the same way every time and not changing, and me having to call you out on all of this, for a reason i never did it and always tried to protect you and defend you from anyone that tried to do it. but like i said, we can't keep living like this, and in order for that to stop, i have to let you know how i feel and how i see it with no filters, crystal clear, no matter how hard it might be to hear it.

i feel like i stopped being a priority to you, like what we had stopped being a priority to you. if it ever was. because if i were in your position and had to live your life, if i kept saying things like "i care about you", "i want to be with you", "i choose you" to the person i'm with, i would do anything to show it, or at least try. match my words with my actions, and there were quite a few times where i felt as if i wasn't a priority to you, like we weren't a priority. and i get it, with so many stresses and many things to take care of it's normal to lose track of things, but it takes two to tango, and if our communication worked i probably wouldn't feel like this. if things were said and we talked more about it maybe it would be different. and yes, i could also talk about it more, not just you, but like i've said before, i never did it because i didn't want to add problems to your life - once again, i was putting you above me and us. but whenever we did talk about it, i always told you my truth and what was going through my mind, how i felt and how i saw things. and you never did, you always said i should let it out more often, which is fair, yet you never do. you never tell me how you feel about us, about our situation, how you see us and what is happening to us. if you have any questions, any doubts, if you're feeling like something is off for you, anything. if we don't talk about all of this, we can never get better and work on us.

on one hand i want us to work, i want us to work together and make what we have become a healthy relationship, because i know that can happen. i know we are capable of having a healthy relationship, what we had in the beginning is proof of that, and that is what i'm still holding onto right now. but on the other hand, if we keep living like this, if we stay as we are right now, i can't handle it no more. i don't want nor need a relationship like this in my life, because i need to focus on myself and on my mental health, and staying stuck to a relationship that is as bad and toxic like ours is not at all what i need right now, no matter how much i love you. if nothing changes, there needs to be an end to us, because nothing good will come from it, for any of us.

despite how i feel about you, i can't let myself hold onto something that no longer exists, and that no matter how much hope i have, if nothing changes, i have to let go of it, no matter how much i might hurt from it. i must prioritize myself and see what's best for me. and if you want to be with me, if you really want to make this work, a lot needs to change, a lot of communication must happen, and mutual respect must exist.

#rants #thoughts

[manythoughtmanyprayers]

whole year i wished and fantasized about watching the xmas lights with you

all i watched was you and her doing so

that and the tears forming in my eyes

#rants #thoughts

[manythoughtmanyprayers]

you blame our lack of communication and lack of seeing each other on my addiction to sleep. which is fair, yes i do sleep a lot, but it's not because i just like it. i need it.

i need it because if i don't sleep i'll hangout with the voices in my heaad, and let me tell you, they have not been the best companions latelly.

september was a shitty month, you know exactly why. and i slept a lot so i wouldn't have to hear the tiny voices inside my head whispering the more disturbing and negative things about you, about me, about us, about everything. we talked and figured things out, they went away. october started well, a week without naps, all good. then shit hit the fan again.

i had the worse week, with me crying myself to sleep literally everyday just to wake up and cry some more. because nothing was ok. in my head you hated me, everyone hated me, everyone thought i was annoying and boring and a pain in the ass. i finally admitted i was going to look for help and thing started to align.

then the next week you were going through shit, and me knowing how you are under pressure and when you're down, i tried to not bother you as much, but kept assuring you that i was there if you needed me, at anytime of the day. always.

then this week started. it started well, but just a few hours in and hell happened. my head wasn't good before that, but this week it's been impossible. the amount of negative, self-destructive, disturbing and allucinating thoughts i've been having have just been too much, too. much. i had to force myself to sleep everyday this week, at anytime of the day, so that i would escape those thoughts and escape the endless hours of me crying in my bed. because it's the only way i can cope with this for now. or would you rather i stop you from having plans so you can wip the tears from my face while i hate myself on the inside?

i don't sleep a lot because i'm bored and have nothing to do. i sleep so i can escape the voices in my head telling me it would've been better if my mother had aborted me and if i would just disappear from this world.

#rants

[manythoughtmanyprayers]

when did the communication start to fade out? why can't we be ok and happy for more than two days before something happens (or nothing happens) and everything goes back to that void?

we used to talk everyday, about everything. there would always be good morning and good night messages, random updates of our days, random facts about us, pics of things we found or things we did. anything. and it was so amazing and so warm and fulfilling.

now we get weekly updates, when we get them. good morning texts in the middle of the day because it's when one of us wakes up or because the other forgot to do it earlier. shallow conversations that lead nowhere. passive agressive tension about anything we talk about.

where did the good communication go? where did the "i'm feeling bad." - "do you want me to go there and be with you?", the "this is my trauma" - "ok, i'll help you heal from it, what can i do?" go?

i tried to justify it with the stress and cahotic lives we have for the lack of it, with the "i'm busy, sorry"'s. but it just starts to feel like something else. cause how come when we had more classes, more activities outside of it, we had amazing communication and now, with less classes, more free time, there's barely none? is it lack of interest? it is lack of willingness to talk with me? i know for sure that that is not my case, the interest and want to talk with you is still here, big time. i just stopped doing it because there would be little to no communication back, and i don't know what else to do or think.

i try to conceal my negative thoughts with the "he's busy, don't worry", "he already had plans, don't worry", "he's just tired, don't worry", "our time schedule's just don't match, don't worry", but i can't not worry anymore. because i try, i try to make it happen, i try to get something out of this, and i get nothing but sleepless nights and tears on my pillow.

i just know don't know what to think and what to do anymore, and you're the only one who can help me here.

#rants

[manythoughtmanyprayers]

if it would be possible to die out of regret, i would be six feet under.

i always told myself and others that i never had regrets in my life, because i believe that everything i did and didn't do made me who i am today, both good and bad. however, this is different.

this time it wasn't just me not studying and having a bad grade in math, nor was it me being lazy and needing an extra semester to finish my degree. this time it wasn't me just flipping and being complete done with my dad to the point that i threw a bread to his face.

this time it was an unjustified mistake, one that will never be repeated ever again. it was a mistake much more serious that could've been avoided and wasn't, simply because i let it happen consciously. and i'm consciously aware of the shit that i did, of how serious it is, and of the consequences i will face. i am completely aware of all of this and conscious enough to hold myself accountable and responsible for my acts. however, that is the easy part to take care of.

i have never been someone people trust easily, nor have i ever let someone get close to me so easily. and thanks to that it takes a lot of time for me to open up to others and make them trust me, including my family and friends. my mum needed a lot of time and pacience and work to trust me, and i feel like recently, in the past few years, i finally freed myself (not completely, never completely) and let myself trust her so she could trust me back.

venting to her more often, speaking more about my life (college, friends, him, my future, my mental issues) made me feel closer to her and more comfortable. specially with her, not even with my friends and the rest of my family, because i feel like i don't own them any justification or explanation of my life - simply because they don't show interest enough about my life, they only want to keep up with it -, and i never created any expectations about myself for them, about the way they should see me, because they always come and go. with my mum is different, and him. in different ways.

my regret is violently killing me on the inside because i know that, despite it being a mistake that won't happen again (and a mistake that does not define me), it's a mistake that could cost all of the trust that i slowly built with her, that it could completely change my connection with her, and that nothing would ever be the same. the person i was/still am trying to become to make her proud is currently dying inside.

i know that all of this, all of these negative scenarios that i'm creating inside my head could only be that, fake scenarios and that everything will be ok, that my connection with my mum will stay intact. but i can't simply turn them off, nor can i stop them from affecting me. my fear of everything changing for worse is bigger than my hope. and it is the same with him, just slightly different.

given that my mum have had to deal with all of the verisons of myself, specially the quiet, shy, hard to trust one for many years, it was harder for her to gain my trust and for me to open up to her, since she was so used to a version of myself that did not share any opinions and feelings. but him, he met a version of myself that had already been a working process. a version of myself that lets other people get a taste of who i am more easily, that laughs more and talks more, that gives people the benefit of the doubt. a version of myself that surprisingly was quick to let him in and to trust him. not only because the person i am today has learned more than the person i was years ago, but mostly because in him i found this unexpected comfort that i never thought i would find so quickly and so warm. it was so unexpectadly good that i couldn't help myself from diving in hard without overanalizing everything single thing.

for this and many other reasons, with time the connection i have with him had been growing and becoming stronger, to the point that feelings started to grow and grow inside of me. feelings that bring me not only happiness and sadness (we've had our share of bad moments), but also worry, caution, and spectations. not of him, but of me, once again.

given that my plan (or at least what i hope will happen in the future) is to create a "serious" relationship with him (you know, one with a label), my goal is to become the best version of myself so that he can stay interested in me, and still want to be with me (and hopefully create a new chapter in our story), a version that is more mentally healthy, more trustworthy, and more compatible with him, basically the "perfect" person for him. after almost 12 months, i've been adjusting and changing myself for better so that we could be good together (and that i could be good with myself at the same time). bad mental habits and routines that i had have been worked on in order to become more healthy (and there is still a lot of work to be done, ence the need for therapy) make me believe that i will be able to reach that goal of mine. however, once again, i feel like all of that work might be compromised.

once again, i'm scared shitless that this little (not so little) might change what i have with him, that our relationship might be compromised and that he might start thinking differently about me and look at me in a different way, that our dynamic will change and that i will lose him. all of this because of a stupid and reckless mistake.

if regret had been a weapon, i would be many, many feet under ground. a few from the regret of what i did, and a few more from the regret i'm feeling and will feel for disappointing the only people that i did not want to disappoint ever in my life. not just because they are important to me, but because of the person i am when i am with them, the positive and exemplary person they make me want to become. that is my biggest fear and my biggest regret, and i can't stop myself from thinking that if anything bad happens, it will all be my fault. those thoughts will never disappear, they're coming with me to the grave.

#rants

[manythoughtmanyprayers]

what do i need to do to be forgiven?

[manythoughtmanyprayers]

i dont know if its because my social battery is totally wasted, or the amount of time i spent under the sun, or both, but the way that my mind and my heart have been constantly fighting each other is taking all the energy inside of me.

my mind says that this constant mission of searching for your face in the crowd everywhere i go, even in places you would probably not be, is not what i need or should be doing. that it will only make it worse to "move on".

my heart totally ignores it and i find myself turning my head in all directions every 5 seconds, or everytime someone new comes into my field of vision. if its not you i both find it relieving and torturing at the same time, because "great, i dont have to fight the urge to go and talk to you and instead stay exactly where i am and completely ignore you even though you are living inside my head rent free" and because "i really wished i could see you, know that you are physically here. even if i cant reach you, its comforting".

my mind screams at me to stop myself from looking into your direction, that if you are close and i can see you, it tells me to just ignore your existence because its probably what you also do, or what you need, or what i need.

my heart cant ignore the fact that you ARE there, very so close to me, close enough that i could just look at you, stare into your eyes, rise my hand and wave at you, acknowledge that im looking at you, that i still see you, not just in my head. it never stops reminding me that you are close by, that in another context or another parallel universe i would make my way to you and smile at you and everything would be great, no matter how much my brain keeps trying to distract me from you.

i really dont know whats best for me, for this whole situation. should i ignore you? should i not? is that what you want me to do? do you want me to be civilized and say hello? would that mean that were ok? or would we just be faking an amity when nothings ok? im so lost, i dont know what to do anymore.

[manythoughtmanyprayers]

since we last spoke, i have been trying to keep myself as busy as i could, be it at home or hanging out with friends, so that i could distract myself from the voices in my head and from thinking too much about it, about us, about you. because the wound is still very fresh, despite me acting calm, im still sobbing on the inside, because its never good to end a connection you had with someone you like, no matter how shity it couldve been, it still hurts like hell.

but after last night, the first time i actually sat in front of someone who i knew wouldnt judge me for still hurting and feeling down about us, and finally said "despite how much i want to punch him, i still like him and those feelings aint going anywhere, no matter how much i hurt on the inside", i allowed myself to think about it, about us, because i knew that there was at least one person who knew about how i trully feel and understands how i feel, someone who gave me validation to do so.

the first thing i did today was turn on my phone, open tumblr and read everything i wrote about you, which is all but one post, since i only created this account to be free to write about us, about you, about how you make me feel, good or bad. because really, i had no other place to speak freely about it with no judgment and no criticism. there was no way to talk about this with my friends or my mum at a certain point, doing it publicly on social media was totally not a choice, and telling you all of these directly was something i was always very much scared.

while reading everything, from the most recent to the very first post i did, i couldnt help but tear up and feel this nostlagic, warm feeling inside of me. because despite the bad posts, i still stand for everything i said. from me feeling insecure and thanking you for helping me with that, to me wanting to be babied by you, to me being a corny son of a bitch because of my feelings for you. they are still alive inside of me, i still stand by all of it, it hasnt changed at all. and never will, no matter how many fights we have, no matter how long well stay appart, no matter how much people try to change my mind.

last night, when i was telling my godmother about how much im hurting but feel like i need to keep it all to myself because of all the background noise, she said "dont listen to peoples opinions if they are not willing to help you how you actually need". yes, she said she was relieved that our situationship ended because i would no longer hurt like i used to, but she was the only one who actually saw how much i was fighting and saw that there was potential, and that it just wasnt meant to be for now. she is the only one who saw how im feeling and is willing to help me with that, and is not just focused on making me forget about you because of all the bad shit that happened. she saw how much i care about you still, and is willing to put all the shit behind and help me understand how im feeling and work it it, instead of just desregarding my feelings like everyone else.

that little sentence she said made me realise that its ok for me to still care about you, to still like you like i did all this time. that, despite the bad shit that happened and the rage i feel, its ok to have feelings lingering and to care for you, still has much as i did while we were together. i still want to see you, talk to you, know about your days and nights. i still want to hold you, during the day and during the night, to touch you and smell you. i still wonder if youre tired, if youre eating well, if youre drinking enough water, getting enough sleep. i still want to help you in anyway i can, be it for yourself, for college, for work, for anything you need me. if you need chocolate in the middle of the night, ill still get my shoes and jacket on, and go all the way to your house to give you some, even if its raining.

i wonder if you come here often. whenever you would mention my "little texts" i would always feel amazed because i honestly thought you would forget about it as soon as i gave you the link. i never thought you would actually remember this exists, and that you would actually read what i wrote. will you still come here while were appart? or will you refraim yourself from visiting? youre always welcome, no matter how we are.

i hope we can become friends again, at least, so i can wish you a happy birthday, i will be devastated if the day comes and ill have to stop myself from doing it (i know i can always do it, with a simple happy birthday text, but it would not be the same if were appart, it would feel much better if were on speaking terms again, we will see).

[manythoughtmanyprayers]

do you hate me?

when did you feel that it all went wrong?

was it something i did or say?

was i not enough for you?

was i too much?

where do you think we failed the most?

do you miss me?

do you still like me?

do you think we can ever be together again?

did you ever felt like crying or break shit because the heartbreak was too much? because you were also tired of fighting and trying and failing?

is there any hope for us, on your side?

do you miss me?

do you hate me?

[manythoughtmanyprayers]

its been a few days already, and as much as i wished i could set all my feelings straight and be able to say "Im feeling x", i really cant, cause everything is still very confusing inside my head.

on one side im feeling relieved that all the stress and the fights ended, and all of the times i felt tired have finally come to an end. i will no longer hear people say things like "this isnt good for you" or "you should just end wtvr you have going on", which i love because for fuck sake, mind your own business, you know only what i told you, which wasnt that much, considering the amount of bad comments you people to tell me based on what YOU thought and saw, so i kept pretty much 90% to myself alone. i also get to try and focus more on myself and try to grow from where i am to become better, for me and for others as well (which doesnt necessarily mean i never focused on working on myself throughout all those months, its just now i only have myself to "worry" about, even though i will always care about you too).

on the other side, the nostalgic feeling i still get whenever i listen to the playlist i made while thinking of you, when i look at our polaroid or the flower you picked for me, or at your socks i accidently yet consciously kept in my wardrobe, it brings all those happy and loving feelings i still have for you, cause one doesnt go from liking someone this much to simply hate or dislike them. all of the good feelings i have for you are still here, very much awaken, and wont go anywhere anytime soon, no matter how much "i told you so" and "he wasnt good for you" i get thrown at me. because yes, maybe from the outside and from what little people knew, maybe we werent good for eachother. i know better, i know more than they will ever know, and i know all of the goods and the bads that happened between us, and where they all came from. i know that despite the bad shit, there were still amazing and fond memories that i would give anything to relive them again for the first time. and that is was gives me hope.

despite these last few weeks, and all of the flaws we have and our connection had, i still have hope that, if we both work on ourselves, to become better people, and the universe allows, we will come back even stronger.

despite me acting all calm and collected in front of everyone else, i still ache for you, i still wished none of this had happened, i still wish we were talking like we used to. im still filled with sadness that it didnt work out the way i wished, that all the hard work went to waste now that were not even on speaking terms (which i believe is for the best, for now). but like i said, i still have hope, that in the future, be it in the next few months, or next year, or whenever the universe thinks were both ready, that we will have another chance to do it right and to be happy. because like i always said, i like you and i want to be with you, be it now or in the future. and when i like someone, its for a very long time, and knowing that maybe there are still some feelings for me inside of you, makes me the more eager to wait for you.

#rants

[manythoughtmanyprayers]

I'll just watch it crashing down

[manythoughtmanyprayers]

literally, why do i care so much?

like I'm sorry i care, I'm sorry i see everything, hear everything. i might look like I'm not paying attention, but i am. I'm paying attention to your posture, to your breathing, to the tone of your voice, to the words you use. i pay attention to all of it. both when it's good and when it's not.

so I'm sorry i care about the not good times. I'm sorry care about your wellness, and get sad and mad and frustrated about shit. with people that are the reasons why you get like that. with your attitude towards it.

i'm sorry i can't just fucking sit down, stand still, close my eyes and ears, and not care. if i could, i would, but it's not fault I like you enough to care this much. sorry about that too, btw, don't want to be a rock in your shoe because i caught feelings, my bad.

but i get frustrated with it all. with you being stressed and pissed all the time, with them not realizing the fucking problem, with me caring so much (too much), for feeling like shit because all this makes me feel bad for liking you. but i literally didn't ask for this. i wouldn't have asked if i knew i would feel so shitty because of it.

i should just stop caring and not give a shit and keep living my life has i once did. liking from far away and not meddling with your business. maybe that way i won't feel like this and i won't bother you like i seem to.

[manythoughtmanyprayers]

it was like 11 something pm, i was doing something on my laptop (i forgot what it was, i just know for sure i wasn't watching the 8th season of Winx - one episode of that shit was enough for me), and i started feeling sleepy. so i thought "hmmmm i should just go to sleep now WHILE I'M SLEEPY so i can get up early tomorrow for my exam in the morning". and it was a good plan, i swear it was.

so i went to wash the rest of the dishes from dinner, brushed my teeth (without bleeding too much this time, slay), dressed my pjs, tried to decide if i should sleep with the pillow that mister Choco Milk (that's his nickname) used last night when he came over or not (decided against, it no longer smelled like him, i will now cry about it), got in my bed and tried my best to NOT touch my phone.

yeah well, i did not fall asleep.

instead i created this whole BL story in my head about a korean boy who moved to America at a young age, who started to listen to kpop and pratice kpop dances because it was a way to still feel like he was back home (since his parents tried to americanize their lives), and he had to stay a few weeks with his neighbors because his parents that to go back to South Korea for family business, and he had to socialize with the neighbors' son who is a hotty in a very natural, Helia from Winx way, who plays volleyball, and the whole purpose of their relationship is for mister Helia to help Korean guy to open up more and bring back his asian life he so missed, by telling his mom to cook korean food more often while he was staying over, or watching korean shows, and then they would fall in love and yadda yadda yadda (i didn't get much farther from there). because why? MY BRAIN DIDN'T GET SLEEPY AT ALL.

so now I'm here, at 3:10am thinking about The New Six latest comeback (it's a banger), and the pretty tiktoker from New Zealand that always looks like a lilac fairy dressed by Vivienne Westwood (i had to google her name), and the collection of tiktoks i have saved to show my mister Choco Milk because i am slightly whipped for him but ANYWAYS.

so yeah, i have an english 6 exam in about 6 hours, to which i studied quite a bit (doing that fucking project helped with it, ngl), and I'm thinking about the best outfit i can wear so that i will look stylish and slay in case i mess anything up (dumb, always, badly dressed, never) and because after that i will go to downtown with my friend to buy pads for my soon to arrive bloodshed, AND be able to hide my phone in case Mr.Packett decides for us to "leave the cellphone on the table", because i am afraid i will need it.

i am also thinking about the exam that i have on wednesday (that i thought would only be next week but ah, i was mistaken) to which i really need to pass (otherwise i will need to stay another semester to finish my degree (which most likely will happen)), yet i have very low chances to get a good grade. because the only thing i know about women from the 13th century is that they were hairy, had lots of babies, and were witches.

another thing that popped in my mind during this "should be sleeping but am very much awake" session (that actually never left my head pffff) is mister Choco Milk because he lives in my head rent free. him sleeping in my bed? or me sleeping in his? his smell? him existing? engraved in my head so harshly I WILL K*LL MYSELF! being this attracted to the male species, to ONE specific example of the male species, for NO FUCKING REASON will be the death of me. i cannot stop myself from thinking corny things and i think that's everything but beautiful (however i do love feeling all lovey dovey from time to time, it's good when you're surrounded by shit of any type, from everywhere, so thank you Choco Milk for allowing me to not go as crazy as i could've if not for your lovely kisses and lovely ****).

also, I'm horny, yet too lazy to get myself off (that could help me fall asleep tho).

i just hope Packett won't fuck my life more than he already did.

#rants

[manythoughtmanyprayers]

it's not that i don't want your opinions and solutions, it's not that i don't care about what you think and how you feel. it's a matter of need.

i don't need you to tell me what i did wrong in my life. i don't need you criticizing me when your knowledge about my life and myself as a person is as much as mine about cars (yes, that car is prettier than the other, but that's all i know). i don't need you to try and find solutions for me, i literally did not ask. i don't need you to try and make me follow your steps because "you know better". news flash, you don't. i don't need your overwhelming and overbearing opinions about me when you can't spare a second to listen to me, like actually listen. i don't need you to try and decode my life with your point of view. i don't need your words.

i need you to listen. i need you to listen to every word i say and every pause i do. i need you to be there when i fuck up. i need you to just be there when i'm feeling down. i need you to try and understand how i work, even when not even i do. i need you to see me for who i am, who i was, who i'm meant to be (according to me, not you). i need you to picture where i'm coming from, where i am, and where i might go. i need you to know where and when i need you. because i don't always need you, and i don't always need you the same way.

sometimes i need you to talk to me, sometimes i need you to shut up and listen, sometimes i need you to shut up and be quiet with me. sometimes i need you to tell me "nice" when i'm trying to express myself and telling you what i plan to do or not. just "nice", not a whole new plan based on what you think. cause i don't give a shit about what you think. i used to, but i grew up and realised that not all opinions are needed nor valid. i accept them, yes, cause i have common sense and respect, but that does not mean i will follow it and take it with me to my grave.

it's not that i don't want to listen to you. it's just that i don't need to, when you don't even listen to me.

#rants