#- I cried on the phone with my stepdad's best friend later | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

zackcrazyvalentine · 3 years

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IF CROWLEY DOESNT DO A PARENTS DAY AND MC DONT GET TO SEE EVERYONE FAMILY IM THROWING A TANTRUM

i really really really wanna see deuce’s mother because she’s sounds nice and the way he talks about her is just- JSISKSOSKSOSODKDK

THE TWINS’ PARENTS KSKSKS

i saw ONE fanart of them and i 🧎🏾‍♀️ . I FEEL LIKE MAMA LEECH WOULD BE LIKE JADE AND PAPA LEECH LIKE FLOYD BUT SUPER CURIOUS ABOUT MC ????? LIKE A POOR HUMAN ACTUALLY MANAGED TO GRAB THE ATTENTION OF THEIR PRECIOUS CHILDREN ???? LET ME AT THEM-also they probably are tall as hell so the whole meeting with them and mc is like “sir please bend over my neck is stating to do things it’s not supposed to do-“

AZUL’S MOTHER AND STEPFATHER

azul’s mother gives me sweet but sharp women ? like a bit like ursula but more kind ? if that’s makes sense- AND HIS STEPFATHER IS SUPER SUPPORTIVE OF AZUL AND IS SUPER PROUD OF HIM-

I ALSO WANNA SEE VIL’S FATHER BECAUSE HE SEEMS SO NICE AND HE PROBABLY WOULD HAVE A LOT OF COOL STORIES TO TELL AND I JUST REALLY WANNA SEE HIM

no thoughts epel’s grandparents coming to see him but then getting lost and brought back by mc to epel BUT THEN epel’s grandma grabs both their hands and asks when they’re gonna marry epel-

SEBEK’S MAMA AND PAPA (am i fawning over a couple that never got an apparition in the game? yes i will do it again) IMAGINE IF HIS MOM IS LIKE “ following in your parents footsteps huh ? you have good taste son !” AFTER SEEING MC-

MALLEUS’ GRANDMOTHER

i feel like she would be kind of awkward? but she’s trying her best ! and she is so proud of malleus and talks to mc about the achievements he has done over the years and just height a sweet grandma overall-

i wanna see ace’s mom because i know she’s the type to EMBARRASS her son in front of mc “oh ace dear do you remember that one time you ate a worm and then cried about it ? i still have the video let me search for it-“ and ace is like “mom what- STOP” and mc just sipping on the tea collecting blackmail material

SPEAKING OF BLACKMAIL AZUL’S MOTHER WOULD PROBABLY SHOW BABY PICS OF AZUL ANS WOULD BE GUSHING OVER HIM WITH MC-

KALIM’S PARENTS WOULD PROBABLY TAKE ONE LOOK AT MC AND BE LIKE “do you wanna marry my son he’s very handsome” “ma’am who are you-“

AND AND AND CHEKA JUMPING IN MC’S ARMS SHOWING HIS PARENTS AND GRANDPARENTS HIS OTHER FAVORITE PERSON IN NRC AND FARENA IS LIKE “you , you must become part of the family” “what with those family the fuck-“ AND AND I FEEL LIKE CHEKA’S MAMA AND GRANDMA ARE SUPER TALL STRONG WOMEN AND THEY TOOK A LIKING TO MC TOO

important note if mc is meeting riddle’s mom and jamil’s parents it’s to fight them to death-

tl’dr : mc’s ending up with a bit too much of marriage proposals

I FORGOT A LOT OF PEOPLE BUT THAT WILL HAVE TO COME LATER BUT AIISISOAOWKSKSKKWWKWKOWOWOW

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!! [PSST!!! You can find the continuation h e r e !!]

YA DUMB CROWMAN, YA BETTER MAKE A FAMILY DAY HAPPEN SO WE CAN SEE ALL THE PARENTS AND MAYHAPS SOME OF THE SIBLINGS TOO!!!!!!!!!!!

DEUCE’S MAMA 🥺🥺🥺💓💓💓💓💓💓💓

I 100% AGREE!! I wanna meet her so bad! She sounds so gentle and caring, I just wanna thank her for everything idc 🥺

“Deuce, hi! Oh, is this your mother, Mrs. Spade?!” MC bound up to him, quite eagerly, might he add.

“A-Ah, [Name]... Yes *ahem* Mom, this is [Name]. [Name], this is my mother.” The Heartslabyul student awkwardly introduced.

the woman’s face lit up, “Oh dear, oh my! This is your friend [Name]?! Hello, dear! I’ve heard wonders of you from Deucey here~!”

MC looked at their friend with a teasing smirk, “Oh, has he?”

She giggled cutely. “Indeed he has, and allow me to say,” Those same peacock green eyes they knew from Deuce looked into theirs, “Thank you for taking care of my son. You’re a wonderful soul, from what I know.”

The tender look in her eyes, her gentle smile and soft voice... MC’s heart sparkled with some sort of nostalgic feeling.

They suddenly bowed, startling the mother-son pair. “N-No, I should be the one thanking you, Mrs. Spade!!”

-- --

OH HECK YEAH!!! TWEEL PARENTS!!!

I’ve seen two iterations of their personalities: Mama being playful and at-her-own-flow like Floyd, Mama being elegant, proper and mysterious like Jade while Papa is a more... controlled version of Floyd (same goofy smile and carefree demeanor, but not as easy to lash out as Floyd)

BUT ABSOLUTELY!!! Imagine Mama Leech approaching them like a sophisticated lady, making such comments that just due to her tone of voice and the look in her eyes have MC blushing and trembling in fear and shyness

Papa Leech almost kabedoning them to have the little trembling shrimp still for him to observe: “My sons... interested in such a tiny shrimp... so small and magicless...” A shine in his eyes as he smirked that familiar pointy-toothed smirk at them, “Interesting enough to have us up in the surface like this~ ...Don’t you think so, Darling?” “Indeed, My Love” Much similar to the eel twins, they chuckled sinisterly

-- --

AZUL’S INTELLIGENT, STRONG, CAPABLE MOMMA <333333333 I LOVE SHE SM <3333333

What if Granny Ashengrotto also comes with? 🥺 THE MOST WHOLESOME MEETING (of course, after the whole family [including stepdad] celebrates Azul’s accomplishments with Mostro Lounge and his contracts, both parents being HELLA proud of their little baby octopus ❤️)

Then MC will notice all of them CODDLING Azul, pinching his cheeks and reminding him of how squishy and chubby he was when young. Look at him now!! A proper business man with a bright future! MC giggles at the dorm leader’s bright blush, and the attention immediately shifts to them

“Oh, Azul~ Is this the [Name] you’ve talked so much about~?”

“M-Mom-!!”

“Ohoho~ Look the the bumpkin he’s managed to score! Our little Azul definitely has an eye for beauty!”

“G-Granny-! *ahem* Grandma, please!”

“Say, did you ever get to see how utterly cute and fluffy Azul was as a baby? Oh~, the absolute cutest, my dear!” The lady glowing with happiness immediately pulled her phone out and scrolled through some photos. Little baby Azul, Azul in middle school, tiny Azul celebrating his birthday as he sat on Granny’s lap while admiring all the food on the table... Each picture showcasing more and more of the merman’s charm. And all he could do was hide away in his office out of shame.

-- --

Maybe MC has see some movies after arriving to the Wonderland, isn’t Vil’s father an actor too? What if he starred in some of those movies?!

Imagine all the stories he can tell about the whole recording period and the behind the scene tricks!

Perhaps both Schoenheits have inside jokes about their line of work, and they let MC in on them!

“Say, are you not interested in becoming the face of a new beauty product? It’s from a partner company, and they’re searching for new talent. You have a certain charm to you, a beauty that many can identify with.” The man offered, taking out a spare free sample of some lip/cheek tint.

Vil took a look at the product, “Oh, they came out with new things already?”

“And they followed your advice to heart, their new formula seems to be all natural and friendly with different skin types and tones.”

Both actors looked at you, “What say you, [Name]?”

“I can hook you up with an interview.” Stated the older man.

“And I can train you.” Vil quickly added.

-- --

OMG EPELS GRANDPARENTS GETTING LOST AND MC HELPING THEM TO POMEFIORE BACK TO EPEL 😭❤️❤️❤️

“G-Grangran, Pops! W-What are you doing here? Isn’t it... peak apple season?” The lilac haired boy was startled at seeing his family.

Granny quickened her pace to go to her grandson, “Oh, shush, little apple! Here, I brought you some homemade apple pie to share with friends.” She looked back at MC as they and her husband came to stand by her.

“Epel, dear,” Her wrinkled hands came to take one of his and one of MC’s, “Your friend here guided us to you. They’re so kind, a wonderful candidate for spouse, right Honey?” She teased, looking at Epel’s grandad while they shared a laugh at how the young boy was blushing profusely at the comment (and at MC’s cute nervous smile from the slight embarrassment they felt after Grangran’s words)

-- --

Honest question: Which of us ISN’T daydreaming about Sebek’s parents? jkdskdsdf (his mom’s a MILF 100%)

“SON!” A firm yell startled both 1st years. “Headmaster Crowley notified us about a Family Day going on in your school, we were allowed to drop by today to greet you and meet your friends!” A tall lady with long, messy green hair approached them.

“Mother!” A bright smile graced Sebek’s lips, turning around to engulf his mother in a hug. “Father!” He shook the man’s hand firmly. “It’s an honor to have you here! Would you like to visit the novel Diasomnia dorm of which I’m part of and is led by out Lord Malleus?”

It was the human man who peeked over his son’s form who noticed them, “Oh, hello there! You must be one of Sebek’s friends, I presume?”

The mature woman promptly pushed past her son, taking a gander at the human who was with him. She remained silent, eyes shifting from MC to Sebek, so on and so forth... until...

A proud smile brightened her face, “Ah, my little Crocodile is following along Mama’s path~💕” While her son and husband let out a surprised babble of words at her insinuation.

-- --

Malleus’ Grandmother... A figure that has everyone bowing with her mere presence in a room

“Grandmother, this is a very important person I want you to meet.” It was strange of Malleus to be this eager, let alone about someone.

The Queen (she’s the current queen of VoT right? aaa) walked along her grandson, holding onto his arm as he led the way to a... rundown building?

“Ah! Tsunotarou, hello!” A human greeted them. “O-Oh!” They bowed hurriedly at the regal presence that accompanied their friend today. “P-leasure to meet you, your Highness.”

A look of utter surprise crossed her face, “Malleus..! A.. human?!” The tense atmosphere made MC straighten up and nervously look at the fae in front of them. “And that nickname?! Young one, do you know who you are speaking to?!” Anger flashed in her eyes as she addressed MC.

“Yes, they do.” The crown prince stepped in, shielding MC behind him, “And I allow them to use that nickname... After all, fae can’t lend their name, or can we?” She remained on defense, giving her grandson’s friend a disparaging look.

"They were lost, and so was I... Along the way, we found each other. This is a friendship I treasure with all my being, and you have been a very important figure through my life... Would you give them a chance?” He tried to bargain.

The Queen kept her stance, looking at the human, who smiled uncertainly and waved at her. Strangely, she felt no threat coming from them, only warmth, a feeling of being welcomed. Her heart was filled with that warmth for a moment.

Clearing her throat, she relaxed. “Very well, only for you, Malleus... So, who must your friend be?”

-- --

ACE’S MOM IS JUST AS MUCH AS A TEASE, MOCKING THING AS ACE IS!!! AND SHE’D ABSOLUTELY BUST ALL SORT OF EMBARRASSING STORIES FROM HIS CHILDHOOD!! (ALSO AMAZING IMAGINATION WITH THAT STORIE OF THE WORM, MADE ME LOUGH OUT LOUD JSFDFAS)

“Say, do you remember when you took a bite out of my decorative soaps thinking they were jellies? You looked like a rabid dog with all the foam!” The woman openly chuckled, much to her son’s chagrin.

“And that one time you came running and crying to your brother’s arms after a beetle ‘launched and attacked you’ as it flew to your face? You became scared of them for a whole year!” MC laughed along with her.

“Oh, please, tell me more! I’m delighted to know more about Ace’s childhood from you, Mrs. Trappola, since he seldom talks about it himself.” They looked at Ace with a mocking smile, enjoying hos his mother openly provided such wonderful blackmail material.

-- --

Kalim is SO EXCITED to present you to his parents! Look, mom, dad! I made another friend aside from Jamil! :DDD

The bright ray of sunshine bounded up to MC, with an equally as bright couple behind him. “[Name], [Name]! Come here! I want you to meet my parents!” Kalim took their hand and quickly dragged them over to where his parents were.

“Mom, dad! This is [Name]! They arrived at NRC unexpectedly, but I very much enjoy their presence and companionship!” That toothy grin so characteristic of him found his way on his lips.

MC bowed slightly in greeting. “A pleasure to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Asim!”

The older couple shared a look before coming up to MC, with the man shaking their hand and the woman pinching their cheek. “Hello there, young one! Kalim seems to be very fond of you! Say, would you mind joining the family? I’m certain Kalim approves!” His father hurriedly spoke.

“H-Huh?! What?!” MC could only accept their coddling and affection as they blushed and looked at their white haired friend for help... But he was busy blushing himself~

-- --

Leona is NOT AT ALL happy to have his family visit him in the ONE PLACE where he’s away from them

"Leona-ojitan! [Nickname]!" The little bundle of joy sprinted the pair's way, eliciting a groan from the 3rd year.

"Not that brat again." Leona rubbed his temple.

MC giggled, "C'mon, Cheka isn't that bad! I can take care of him."

"Brother!" Now, that certainly startled MC... Because not only was the exclaimed name all there was, no no, a redheaded lion beastman wrapped his arms around Leona's torso from behind and lifted him some centimeters off the ground. "Long time no see, Leona! Isn't it wonderful that your school's holding a Family Day?! As soon as we got word of it, we came to visit!"

"Fareena... Put. Me. DOWN." Savanaclaw's dorm head growled. Thankfully, the overexcitable man followed through, laughing at his brother's antics.

"[Nickname], can you see how much I've grown since last time! I'm half a centimeter taller!" Cheka giggled as he climbed up MC's leg, ultimately reaching his goal to be carried by them.

"A-Ah, that's wonderful!" They laughed awkwardly at the kid.

The cub was removed from their person by someone. "Apologies, dear, Cheka can be a handful sometimes." A lioness woman smiled gently at you. "Tell them you're sorry, Cheka. You know better than to use people as jungle gyms."

The boy became crestfallen, ears flattening as he fumbled with his fingers. "Sowwy, Mx. [Name], I shouldn't have done that."

MC chuckled a bit. "Apology accepted."

"So you must be this mystery person Cheka rambled about after spectating the Magift tournament." An older woman approached, pinching the child's cheek.

"Yes yes, gramma! [Nickname] played with me when I visited ojitan! They're my other favorite friend here at NRC, they took great care of me!"

At that, both lionesses perked up. Even Fareena approached the circle after his boy spoke so fondly of MC right now.

"Oh, I see~" The younger of the two ladies giggled, accompanied by Fareena's loud laughter.

Leona had a look of utter terror at what was going to be said next. Eyes wide, ears flat, he looked ready to run away from the scene at a moment's notice.

Who they assumed to be Leona's mother approached MC, placing a hand on their shoulder. "A natural ability with kids... Son!" She looked at leona now, who flinched at her call, "I see you've chosen a great mate!"

As MC and Leona were taken into a family hug, they only remained stunned as the words completely registered in their minds.

-- --

Oh, I absolutely agree with that!! The atmosphere with Riddle's mother and Jamil's parents will be HELLA TENSE

If anything, I feel MC would potentially get along with Jamil's younger sister, enjoying the friendly banter they have as siblings. But even more so, liking how Jamil shows he cares and how he genuinely smiles while his sister is with him.

I feel she'd also tell him in private:

"So~, that friend of yours..."

Jamil only raised an eyebrow at her words, leading her to sigh, "[Name]! The magicless prefect!"

"Uh-huh, what about them?" The boy inquired, wanting to hear her say it earnestly and not go the "you know what I'm talking about" way.

"Yeah... I think they're pretty cool..." Jamil smiled slightly. "Oh, what's that~? I knew you seemed way too close!" She chuckled after noticing the tiniest change in his expression.

The brunet ruffled her hair, "Nothing, it's nothing at all..."

"Say the one with a lovestruck face!"

-- --

HSKAHDKD I HONESTLY WABTED TO WRITE SOMETHING ABOUT ACE'S BIG BRO, AND SEBEK'S OLDER SIBLINGS

Not to mention Jack's little siblings, and Trey's too! Cater's older sisters!

TWST PLS GIVE US FAMILY DAY EVENT!!! I WANNA SEE ALL THESE CUTE FAMILIES AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

HDKSHDKS SORRY THIS IS HELLA LONG LOL, got carried away~

Hope you enjoy! Visit the askbox once more whenever you like, Anon ❤️!!!

#zask #twisted wonderland #deuce spade #ace trappola #tweels #jade leech #floyd leech #azul ashengrotto #malleus draconia #sebek zigvolt #jamil viper #leona kingscholar #epel felmier

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imaginationintowords · 3 years

Text

Folklore [song series]

my tears ricochet

Modern Day AU! Bucky Barnes x Natasha Romanoff; Steve Rogers x OC!Reader

Plot: Inspired by Taylor Swift’s new album Folklore. The story follows the timeline of Bucky and Elizabeth’s life throughout the years

[warnings: death, and funeral]

word count: 4829

[a/n: sorry for such a long wait. I've been busy. I thought once I was done for the semester I would have a lot more time to work on my stories, but if anything my summer break has been more hectic. Just because I haven't been posting, doesn't mean I haven't been working on them. Just know that I am working on the new chapters for this and for TKWBA, just need a bit of patience from you all. Also thank-you for the continue love and support on all my work]

Series Masterlist

Tag list info here [if you want to be tagged please read this]

Age: 21

Year: Sep. 2015

Location: Brooklyn, NY & Stanford, CA

Elizabeth was sat at her desk doing her homework. She was anxiously waiting for Steve's call about the baby arriving. He had called her two hours prior to let her know that Natasha had gone into labor, and they were at the hospital. Steve told her that he'd call her as soon as he heard the news. She tried her hardest to focus on her homework, but she found herself constantly checking her phone for any updates.

Suddenly her phone started going off. She instantly picked it up and answered the call.

"Is the baby here?" She immediately asked.

"Liz," Steve choked out.

"Steve, what's wrong?" She could hear the distress in his voice.

"Natasha, she," he tried to say but the words got caught in his throat, and she could hear the soft cries.

"Steve, breathe," she tries to calm him down the best she could without actually physically being with him.

Elizabeth was simultaneously trying to keep herself calm, and not rush into any assumptions.

"She died," he said after calming himself down enough to tell her what happened.

"She died?"

"I guess there were complications, he tells her, still unsure of what exactly happened.

Steve hadn't thought to ask further into what exactly happened when Bucky's mom called to tell him the devastating news. He couldn't wrap his head around what she was telling him. He just never imagined that this would be the outcome of his best friend welcoming his first child into the world.

Steve clears his throat trying to force the lump back down.

"I'm catching the next flight out to New York," he tells Elizabeth, "I just gotta be there for Bucky."

"Yeah, of course," she says, completely understanding.

"I know you can't exactly fly out now, without letting your professors know, so as soon as I find out all the funeral," his throat catches at the word, he takes a small breath, "all the funeral information I'll let you know."

"Okay that works," she agrees.

"Okay. I haven't to pack real quick and get to the airport within the next hour," he tells her.

"Okay, I'll let you go."

"Wait, Steve," she calls out before he could hang up.

"Yeah?"

"I love you," she says with a shaky voice.

"I love you too, so much," he says, "I'll text you when I board the plane."

After one final goodbye, Steve hangs up the phone.

The flight seemed like Steve's longest one he's ever been on. As soon as he landed he quickly grabbed his carry on, the only thing aside from his backpack that he brought with him. Elizabeth had messaged him letting him know that she could bring more of his stuff once she flies out.

Steve made his way out of the airport to find his mom waiting for him by her car. He quickly made his way towards her and wrapping his arms around her.

On the drive to Bucky's apartment Steve sent Liz a text letting her know he landed. He then called Bucky's mom to let her know he was on the way.

"Thank-you for coming out Steve," Winnie thanks him, "The baby is just about to get discharged, we should be at the apartment before you get there."

"Of course, I'll see you guys soon," he says hanging up the phone.

Steve then sends a quick email to his boss and professors explains his absence and why he'll most likely be gone for a couple of weeks.

An hour later Steve's mom was stopping outside of Bucky's building.

"Let them know I'm here if they need anything," his mom tells him before he exists the car, "I'll come back at noon with lunch for everyone."

"Thanks Mom," he says leaning over to kiss her cheek.

Steve exists the car leaving his bags with his mom. He takes one final breath before walking to the front doors. Steve presses the call button for Bucky's apartment and was immediately buzzed in.

As soon as he reaches Bucky's door, he knocks quietly. The door opens and he's welcomed by Rebecca. He takes in the sullen face on the teenage girl.

"Hey Bec," he says.

"Hi," she quietly says, as they hug each other in the door way.

When they pull apart she steps aside letting him inside.

"It's just my parents and I here. Bucky didn't want to deal with a lot of people right now," she explains to Steve.

"Steve," he hears from his left, Keith, Bucky's stepdad makes his way out of the small kitchenette over to him, and embracing him, "Thank-you so much for coming. We know you're a very busy person."

Before Steve could respond Bucky's mom Winnie walks into the living room.

"Oh Steve," she immediately wraps her arms around him.

"Thank-you so much for coming on such a short notice," she says. Steve could hear the shakiness in her voice. He could tell she was trying to keep it together. No doubt the last 12 hours being the most stressful and emotional she's ever been.

"There's no need to thank me. This is where I need to be," he tells them.

"Let us at least pay you back for the flight," Keith says.

"No, don't worry about that," Steve waves him off, "I had a lot of miles that needed to be used."

"Well, thank-you again," Keith nods his head, understanding where Steve was coming from.

"You can go on ahead Steve. Bucky is waiting for you in the nursery," Winnie tells him, giving him an assuring nod, he nods back making his way towards the nursery.

The short walk seemed like it was much longer. Steve has never felt so nervous in his life. When he approaches the closed door, he softly knocks on it.

"Come in," Bucky calls from inside.

Steve walks in, closing the door behind him. He's immediately greeted by Bucky sitting in the rocking chair in the corner of the room, feeding his newborn daughter.

"Hey," Steve softly says, not sure what to say.

"Hey," Bucky greeted Steve with a sad smile.

It had been 12 hours later and it still didn't feel real to Bucky. The hospital had even offered the chance for him and Poppy to stay a couple of days, but all Bucky wanted to do was to go home and get away from the hospital. But now being back in the apartment without Natasha was surreal. He was trying his best to keep it all in, at least while the baby is awake and needs him.

He was determined in being the one that cared for her, even when his mom offered to take care of her for a few hours while he gets some rest. He assured her that he needed to do this. He had to do it alone, because he knew that soon enough it would just be him and Poppy.

Bucky was very grateful when he heard Steve was flying out. He felt like Steve was the only one he could really talk to about everything going on.

Steve was still standing by the door, just watching his best friend be a dad for the first time. He had no idea what to say in this kind of situation. The words were caught in his throat the moment he actually saw Bucky.

"Thanks for coming," Bucky says breaking the silence. Steve immediately looks away from the baby to meet Bucky's eyes.

"You would've done the same thing," Steve says, "And like I've said before, I'll always be here for you."

"I don't care how far, I'll always be on that first flight to you," Steve continues, he glances down at the now sleepy baby, "You're my brother Buck."

There was a moment of silence between the young men. Both understanding what the other one means with such few words.

Steve watched as Bucky gently placed the sleepy baby on his shoulder to burp her.

"It suits you," Steve quietly remarks.

"What?" Bucky looked up at him confused.

"Fatherhood, it suits you," Steve says again, stepping closer to his friend.

"You think?" Bucky looks back down at the now sleeping baby.

"Yeah. I know it's only been less than a day, but you look natural. Make it look easy."

"Thanks," Bucky smiled, getting up for the he chair and walking over to the crib to gently place Poppy in.

Steve walked over, standing next to Bucky, watching the little one sleep peacefully.

"What's her name?" Steve whispered, realizing that he hadn't found out what the name of the baby was.

"Poppy James Barnes," Bucky proudly says.

"That's cute," Steve commented, he placed his right hand on Bucky's left shoulder and gave it a squeeze.

Bucky looked over at Steve and they both nodded their heads in agreement, before falling into an embrace.

"I am so sorry," Steve quietly says.

"It happened so quick, she barely even got to see the baby," Bucky quietly cried into Steve's shoulder, "I never even thought of this would be the outcome. I never imagined I'd be coming home solo with the baby."

Steve tightened his embrace on Bucky, just listening to his friend.

"I don't know how I'm going to do this Steve. I don't know how I'm going to raise her without her mom. I'm trying to keep it together to not worry my mom, but fuck Steve, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm scared I'll screw this all up. I'm scared I'll screw her up.

"I'm so scared Steve," Bucky cries.

"It's okay to be scared," Steve tries his best to comfort Bucky, "I'd be more concerned if you weren't scared. This is entirely new territory for you. You're raising a child, a child who unfortunately no longer has her mother. That alone is a fucking terrifying thing to go through.

"It's not going to be easy. There's no point in lying to you, and saying it will. You and I both that won't be the truth. But if there's anyone I know who could do this, it's you Buck. You're the strongest person I know. Whatever has happened before this doesn't matter. The only thing that matters now is that little girl. And I know damn well you're going to give her the best life she will ever have," Steve pulls away from Bucky and holds onto his shoulders.

"And you're not alone in this. You have a lot of people who care about you, and now Poppy. You will never be alone. You'll always have someone to call, someone to help you. You're crazy to think we would ever leave you to do this alone. We're here, and we're not going anywhere. You and Poppy will never have to be alone. She might not have her mom, but she's got you, and I know damn well you won't ever let her wonder what being without one parent truly feels like.

"You've got this Buck," Steve assures him, "And we're here every step of the way."

"Thanks Steve," Bucky sniffles, wiping the tears away.

"No need to thank me," Steve smiles, "Now why don't you go take a nap. Get some rest. We're here if Poppy wakes up."

"Yeah I could use some sleep," Bucky yawns, his adrenaline from the last 12 hours fading away.

Steve walks Bucky to his bedroom and watches as he gets into his bed, and quickly falls asleep. He quietly closes the door behind him, with the baby monitor in one hand checking to make sure Poppy is still asleep.

He walks back into the living room, placing the monitor by the tv for everyone to see and hear.

"They're both asleep," Steve announces to the room.

"Oh thank goodness," Winnie sighs, "James hasn't taken a moment to rest since everything happened."

"Knowing Bucky, we'll probably have to be forcing him to rest for the next couple of weeks," Steve says.

"I just got off of the phone with Natasha's father," Keith said walking back inside the apartment.

"What did he say?" Winnie asked.

"He said that the funeral is all up to us," Keith sighs, "Something about how Natasha made her own path with getting pregnant, and that once she left she was no longer his responsibility."

"He really said that?" Winnie asked mortified.

"I'm afraid so," Keith sighed, "I tried reasoning with him saying we would handle everything financially and he can come to the funeral but he said no."

"What kind of father doesn't show up to his own daughter's funeral," Winnie shakes her head in complete disbelief.

"Explains why Natasha was the way she was," Rebecca whispered, so that only Steve could hear her.

He reluctantly agrees.

Two weeks later

Elizabeth was helping Steve with his tie in his childhood bedroom. She had flown in yesterday for today's funeral services. Elizabeth had gotten in late last night, so she still hasn't seen Bucky or Poppy yet. She was a let to get a week off of work and her professors gave her an extension on her assignments when she explained to them what happened.

"I still can't believe Natasha's dad isn't going," she says as she straightens out Steve's tie.

"Bucky's mom is still holding out hope that he shows up," Steve says.

"What does Bucky think of it all?" Elizabeth asks.

"He's not worrying about it," Steve explains, looking over himself in the mirror, "His only concern right now is Poppy and only Poppy. If Nat's dad shows up then he does. But as of now Bucky has made the decision that he will not be in Poppy's life. Not until he proves himself."

"That's very mature," she says grabbing her purse.

"This Buck is like a whole new one you've never seen before. Fatherhood has made him a thousand times more grown up these last couple of weeks."

"That's good."

"Ready to go?" Steve asked her, grabbing the keys to his mom's car.

"Yup," Elizabeth says following Steve out.

Bucky had asked Steve to pick him and Poppy up, and Steve had of course agreed.

They arrived to Bucky's apartment in fifteen minutes. Walking up to Bucky's door they could hear a lot of commotion coming from inside. Steve used the key Bucky gave him to let himself and Elizabeth in.

As soon as they walked in they were greeted by the sounds of a baby crying.

"Buck?" Steve called out.

"We're in here," he calls from the nursery.

They go to the nursery to find Bucky looking frazzled while trying to change Poppy's diaper.

"I'm so sorry. I'm running so behind," Bucky tells them, glancing over his shoulder quickly,

"Poppy didn't sleep well last night. And nothing I've tried has been working."

"It's okay Buck, just take your time," Steve calmly says.

"I still need to shower, shave, and get dressed," Bucky rambles, "She's going to need another change of clothes because she spat all over herself, and my mom only bought this one outfit for today."

"Hey Bucky, calm down," Elizabeth calmly spoke up, placing her hand on his back, "Take a breath."

Bucky felt the warmth and comfort from Liz's touch. He listens to what she says and takes a deep breath.

"Okay good," she says, "now you go get ready. Steve and I got this."

"Okay," he nods his head, handing the baby over to Elizabeth, "thank-you."

"Of course," she softly smiles at him, "now go get ready."

Bucky quickly makes his way out of the room and into his own to get ready.

Elizabeth looks down at the small baby in her arms. She could see so much of Bucky in the baby with hints of Natasha. It was a little strange for her to be holding Bucky's baby and it not being her baby as well. Not that she ever wanted to get back together with Bucky, because she didn't. There was just a little voice in her head, that of her teenage self, saying how it was supposed to be them, doing this together.

She quickly shut the voice down.

Elizabeth was incredibly sympathetic of Bucky's situation. All she wanted to do was be there for him, as a friend. She wanted Bucky to succeed as a father, and she would do what she could to make that happen.

Steve silently watched Elizabeth watching Poppy. He couldn't really read her expression. He hates to admit it to himself, especially with everything going on, but he was slightly worried about how Liz would react to all of this. He had faith in their relationship, of course he trusted her immensely. But he still couldn't help but feel like she might decide to leave him for Bucky. Elizabeth turned around to see Steve looking at her with a distant look in his eyes.

"You good?" She gently asked, breaking him from his self-destructive thoughts.

"Yeah. You?"

"Yeah," she nods her head, handing the baby over to him, "I'm going to try and find her a new outfit.

"Okay," Steve says sitting down with the baby.

"I love you," Liz quietly says to Steve, knowing what could possibly going through his mind, if hers was also wandering.

"I love you," Steve replies back, finding himself relaxing at just hearing those three words, any doubt slipping away.

30 minutes later Bucky was ready to go. He walked out to the living room where he found Steve and Elizabeth sitting with each other holding the baby. He paused for a moment taking in the scene in front of him. He felt a sense of warmth and low flow through him as his closest friends admire his daughter. In that moment he knew he had made the right decision in what he would tell them next.

Steve glanced up to see Bucky leaning against the frame of the hallway.

"Ready?" Steve asked.

"Yeah, but I actually wanted to ask you two something before we go," Bucky says walking over and sitting on a chair next to the couch.

"Sure, what's up?" Steve leans forward, leaning on his knees, giving Bucky his full attention.

Elizabeth tears her eyes away from Poppy to also give Bucky her full attention. She smiles at him, letting him know he could continue on.

"I first and foremost just want to thank you Steve, for what probably is the hundredth time," Bucky says, "I know you have a lot going on with work and school. So I really appreciate everything you've done for me and for Poppy. And you too Elizabeth, I know you're incredibly busy especially with law school prep. And with everything that's happened between-"

"Don't," she stopped him, "What's past is past."

"Well anyways, thank-you," Bucky says, "Now here comes what I wanted to ask you two. There's no other two people I wouldn't trust more with Poppy. So I wanted to ask if you would be her godparents?"

"Really?" Elizabeth asked taken back by Bucky's request.

"Yes," he nods his head, "There's no one else I wouldn't trust with her if anything happens. It'll help me sleep better knowing she'll have two people who'll love her like I would. Two people who have so much love between them, that I know will always be together."

Both Steve and Elizabeth were taken back by Bucky's last statement. They knew Bucky had accepted their relationship, but to actually have him not only say it out loud but to practically give them his blessing, it meant the world to the couple.

Steve and Elizabeth both share a look with tears glistening in their eyes. Elizabeth nods her head.

Steve turns back to Bucky, "We'd be honored to be Poppy's godparents."

Elizabeth and Steve stood up to hug Bucky. All filled with a wide range of emotions. Bucky felt a huge sense of comfort after asking Liz and Steve to be Poppy's godparents. He knew he made the right decision, and he knew he could now sleep better at night knowing his daughter would be taken care of. And by two people he knows can love her the way he does.

After what happened with Natasha, Bucky just wanted to make sure Poppy would be taken care of. If she couldn't have her parents, then she would have the closest thing to having parents. And Bucky knows Steve and Elizabeth would be amazing parents.

That alone allowed him to be at peace for whatever may happen.

Arriving to the funeral location Bucky felt his nerves start to spike. He sat in the backseat looking out the window at the familiar faces walking into the chapel.

"You okay?" Elizabeth asked turning in her seat, after Steve parked the car.

"I don't know if I can do this," he mutters, glancing towards the sleeping baby in the car seat next to him.

"We'll be right next to you along the entire way," Liz calmly says.

"If you feel too overwhelmed we'll leave whenever you want," Steve tells him, "We won't stay if you absolutely can't handle it. No one will hold it against you."

"Okay," Bucky takes a deep breath.

"Stay here, I'll get the stroller out," Steve says, getting out of the car.

"No one is expecting you to be brave, Buck," Elizabeth says, "You're allowed to be vulnerable. You're allowed to show emotions."

He nods his head, taking in what she's telling him.

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small necklace. Clutching onto it as if his life depended on it.

Elizabeth catches the small 'N' on it, realizing that that was the necklace Natasha wore everyday since she was 13.

Bucky takes one final deep breath, trying to calm his nerves.

"Okay, I'm ready," he tells her.

"Okay, let's do this."

Bucky was grateful that they arrived only minutes before the service started. Everyone was already seated in the pews.

He slowly walked down the aisle pushing the stroller, Steve and Elizabeth walking right behind him.

Bucky tried his best to avoid any eye contact with everyone. He couldn't bare to look at the pity in their eyes.

He caught sight of his family siting in the second row. He also noticed a man sitting alone in the first row.

He instantly knew who it was.

Once Bucky reached the first row, the man made to movement to greet Bucky.

Bucky cleared his throat, "Mr. Romanoff."

The older man looked over at Bucky, then at the stroller.

"James," he stiffly said, turning his attention back to the front.

Bucky awkwardly sat down placing the stroller next to his legs, away from Natasha's father, while Steve and Elizabeth sat next to Bucky.

The service was going smoothly up until the priest announced that Natasha's father would be making a speech, catching everyone off guard.

Bucky looked at the older man as he walked up to the stand. He turned around to face his mom, "Did you know this?" he whispered.

"No I didn't," she shook her head.

Right as Mr. Romanoff was about to start speaking, Poppy began to cry. Bucky quickly went to get her out of the stroller, while Steve quickly went to grab a bottle to help him out.

As soon as the baby calmed down Mr. Romanoff began to speak.

"First and foremost, I want to thank everyone for coming," he begins, "I really appreciate it. Natasha would be eternally grateful for all of you."

Bucky started to get annoyed by the beginning of Mr. Romanoff's speech. As if the man didn't turn down the invitation for the last two weeks. Now he's trying to act like the perfect father, as if he didn't kick her out and cut off his pregnant daughter.

"Natasha was a kind hearted person. Only wanting the best for those closest to her. She was the most selfless person you would have ever met," he continued on with his speech.

Elizabeth couldn't help but be confused by Mr. Romanoff's speech. She hated thinking ill of the dead, but that man had no idea who his daughter truly was.

"Natasha was so smart, earning her way into Yale. She was only months away from graduating. I was so incredibly proud of her. If only we would've gotten the opportunity to watch her walk across the stage.

"Other than leaving an everlasting impression on all of us, she also left behind a part of her. Her last moments on Earth was spent bringing in another Romanoff," he says.

Bucky's head snapped up to Mr. Romanoff, then towards Steve.

"Romanoff?" Bucky whispered, "This man has the fucking nerve."

"Ignore him," Steve whispered back, trying to calm Bucky down, "He's just saying all of this to make himself look good."

"Natasha brought her daughter into the world," Mr. Romanoff continued, forcing fake tears to fall, "I remember being by her side as she was in labor."

Bucky clenched his jaw, forcing himself not to call Mr. Romanoff out on his lies.

"As she was dying," Mr. Romanoff paused for dramatic effect, "Her only request was to name her daughter after her."

Steve paled his hand on Bucky's shoulder, trying his best to calm him down. It was too late, Bucky was already placing Poppy in Steve's arms.

"What a fucking lie," Bucky stood up shouting at Mr. Romanoff, causing everyone to gasp.

"James," Mr. Romanoff said through gritted teeth, as a warning.

"How could you just lie to all these people?" Bucky shouted, "How could you lie as if you didn't disown Natasha months prior when she told you she was pregnant. Or when my parents kept inviting you to the funeral, you kept saying no and how Natasha's decisions led to their death. How dare you say you were in the delivery room. As if you didn't have her number blocked. My mom and I were there when things took a horrible turn. We were there when the doctor walked out and told us Natasha didn't make it. Not you! Us!

"Then you go on to make some shitty story about Nat's last words. Which is completely false. Natasha never wanted to name the baby after herself, you'd actually know that if you were actually present in her life. But you weren't. And you sure as hell will never be a part of your granddaughter's life."

Bucky turned to Steve and Liz, "Let's go."

They nodded their heads and helped put Poppy in the stroller. They followed Bucky as he walked out of the chapel.

After leaving the funeral services, Steve was able to calm Bucky down. Winnie had called Elizabeth to let her know that the burial services the next day were officially going to be private. Liz agreed that that'd be best for everyone involved. Especially with what happened during the funeral services.

The burial service was only attended by Bucky, and his family, along with Elizabeth and Steve.

Everything went along smoothly. Everyone giving Bucky the safe space to grieve.

After the burial, everyone gave Bucky a few moments alone at the grave site so he can say his final goodbyes.

"Hey Nat," he pauses taking a deep breath, "these last two weeks haven't been the easiest. But boy have they been amazing. I may be more exhausted than I've ever been, but boy is she worth it.

"She may only be two weeks but I can already tell she's going to be the most amazing person ever," he softly cries, "You would've loved her so much. But like I promised back at the hospital, she'll never not know who her mother was. I will always make sure she knows who you were. Always."

"Goodbye Natasha," he whispered, before walking away to join his family waiting.

Age: 26

Location: Brooklyn, NY

Year: 2020

"Daddy, what's this?" Poppy calls out to her father from his bedroom.

"What's what petal?" He asked walking into the room, finding her surrounded by boxes, as they prep for their move uptown.

"This," she holds up the small necklace with the 'N'.

Bucky kept that necklace in a small box in his nightstand. He kept it at the bottom of his nightstand for safe keepings. Planning on one day to give it to his daughter. He always planned to wait until she was 16, but he figures now is as good as ever.

"That was your mommy Natasha's," he said walking over to her, and sitting next to her on his bed, "She got it when she was 13, and wore it every day up until when she died."

"It's pretty," she says admiring it in her hands.

"It is isn't it," he smiles at his little girl, "It's now yours."

He grabs the necklace from her little hands. He unclasps it, then gently moves her dirty blonde hair to the side. He places the necklace around her neck, and clasps it shut.

"Thank-you daddy," she smiles brightly at her father, admiring the necklace that now lay on her chest.

Bucky smiled at his daughter, watching as she kept admiring the necklace. It was a little big on her, but he knew she would grow into it.

"Anything for you baby," he kisses the top of her head, "Anything."

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maybeimamuppet · 3 years

Text

how to win friends

hi friends!! happy (belated, I'm sorry!) mean girls day!! please enjoy this little bonus drabble :)))

cw for violence/blood (and please let me know if i've missed anything!!)

enjoy!

-----

Janis isn’t a big fan of first grade.

She likes the work. She likes learning to read bigger words and longer books, likes learning about clouds and planets and bugs in science. She’s not particularly fond of math, but it has its moments. She loves art class and recess, and lunch and music.

It’s the other kids that are the problem. Janis has always been quiet and shy. She doesn’t like confrontation, and making new friends is always tough. Her best friend Regina from dance class goes to another school, and Regina usually does the talking for her. So Janis just sits in her spot and does her work. At least her teachers all say she’s a pleasure to have in class.

In December, they have their first indoor recess of the year due to cold. Janis decides to spend it drawing a picture of a lion for her new baby sister.

She looks up when she hears raised voices coming from the table next to her, where some boys are playing with legos. “Girls are weak! My dad said so.”

Well, that can’t be right. Janis’ mom always says girls are the strongest people on the planet, and Janis shouldn’t listen when someone tells her she can’t do something just because she’s a girl. So Janis stands up and marches her way over.

“No they’re not! We’re just as strong as any stinky boy,” she huffs, crossing her arms.

“Nuh uh!” The boy replies. “You can’t even punch! You’re just a girl.”

Janis clenches a fist in frustration. Can’t punch, huh? She looks down at it thoughtfully. Her stepdad always says to keep her thumb out, so she carefully moves it. Squeezes her fingers a little tighter. And then she swings.

“Ow!” The boy yells, covering his nose with a hand. It’s covered in blood when he pulls it away again, so he puts it back with a frightened squeak. Everyone around starts making noises and frantically calling for their teacher.

“What is going on over here?” the teacher demands, marching up to the both of them.

“Uh oh,” Janis whispers. She’s done it now.

“Both of you, main office, now,” the teacher says, pointing to the door. “Janis, I expected better from you.”

Janis bows her head in shame and leaves the room, followed by the boy leaving a trail of blood behind him.

The office calls Janis’ and the boy’s parents to come pick them up. Janis sits next to him on the scratchy seats in the office, elbows on her knees and her head in her hands.

The boy has now been equipped with tissues to stop the blood, but his nose is broken. Janis is even more afraid when she learns that means he’ll have to go to the hospital for it to get fixed.

“Whad’s your nabe?” the boy asks kindly. Janis looks up at him in confusion.

“Janis,” she murmurs. “I’m Janis.”

“I’b Dabian,” the boy replies, holding out a hand to shake. Janis winces at the blood on it, so he wipes it on his pants before holding it out again.

“Dabian?”

“No, Dabian,” Damian replies. “Wid an eb.”

“Oh, Damian,” Janis says. Damian nods.

“You punch good,” Damian says. “Wanna be frie’ds?”

Janis nods eagerly. “Yeah.”

“Okay. You can sid next to me toborrow.”

“Thanks,” Janis grins.

“Hey, we’re missing da sabe teef!” Damian says, smiling to show off his own missing teeth. Sure enough, they’re both missing their top front teeth and one on the bottom.

“We’re like twins,” Janis giggles. Damian nods eagerly.

“Yeah!” He cheers. “Whad do you like to do?”

“Uh… I like to color,” Janis says. “And read. And dance.”

“I dance too!” Damian gasps. “I do tap dance!”

“I do ballet,” Janis says. “Maybe we can do tap dance together!”

“Yeah! Ask your mom!”

“I will. If I’m not in big trouble,” Janis huffs. “Does your nose hurt?”

“A liddle,” Damian nods. “You punch bery hard.”

“My mom taught me to. And my stepdad,” Janis replies sheepishly.

“What’s a sdepdad?” Damian asks. Janis bristles slightly, but she knows he’s not trying to be mean.

“My real daddy died when I was four,” she explains. “And then my mama got married again. Her new hubsand is my stepdad.”

“Oh.” Damian says. “Did you getta go to da wedding?”

“Yeah. I had to wear this big dress, it was so itchy,” Janis huffs, shuddering at the mere memory of her hellacious gown. “I was the flower girl. But I got to stay up super late! And there was a lot of chocolate.”

“Ooooh,” Damian says in awe. “I lub chocolate.”

“Me too,” Janis giggles. “My mama drinks this… uh… I forget the name, but it’s like hot chocolate mixed with coffee. It’s sooo yummy.”

“I’b neber had cobee,” Damian says sadly. “My mom won’d led me. She days id’ll gib me too much edergy. And she days I already gots too much.”

“Mama only lets me try a little bit,” Janis agrees. “Maybe you could come to my house and try some. And you can meet my baby sister!”

“You hab a sisder?”

“Uhhuh. She’s just a baby, but she can already play with me,” Janis says. “But she still eats all the drawings I make for her. Her name is Julie.”

“She dounds cude,” Damian says. “I don’ hab any brudders or sisders.”

“They’re really loud,” Janis sighs. “Julie cries aaaaaall night. Mama says babies are kinda a pain, but then they grow bigger and it’s better.”

“My mom days I was already too buch,” Damian says. “Bud she days we mighd ged a dog soon instead.”

“I’ve never had a dog,” Janis sighs. “I had a fish, but he died. But I think cats are better anyway.”

“Bud dogs are so cude!”

“Yeah, but they’re so… wet,” Janis shudders. “So much slobber.”

Damian seems to consider this, and nods. “Cads are cude too.”

They both look up when they hear the door to the building open, and look out to see a man there. Janis hunches her shoulders up slightly. “Uh oh.”

“Whad oh?” Damian asks.

“It’s my stepdad,” Janis whispers.

“Oh. Is he mean?”

Janis nods. “He’s nice to Mama. And my baby sister. But he doesn’t like me very much.”

“Oh. Thad’s stupid.”

Janis gasps in dismay, as if he’s just said the most vile profanity known to man. But after a moment’s thought, she nods. “It is stupid.”

Damian giggles as she claps her hands over her mouth and looks around to make sure nobody else heard. “I don’ dink my dad likes me very much eidder. I’ll prodect you.”

“Thanks, Damian,” Janis says. “I’ll protect you from your dad.”

“Thanks,” Damian says. “Oh, dat’s my mom!”

“Oh, my poor boy,” Damian’s mom tuts as she comes barreling in, crouching down in front of Damian and assessing his nose. “What happened?”

“According to their teacher, Janis here punched him,” the secretary helpfully informs her.

“Janis Sarkisian,” Janis’ stepdad says angrily, also stepping into the room. Janis hunches further into herself in fright. “You need to apologize to this boy before we take you home.”

“No,” Damian says. “She proobed me wrong, she doesn’t hab to say sorry. I said girls couldn’t punch.”

“She certainly showed you,” Damian’s mom chuckles.

“Janis is duper cool, sir,” Damian continues. “She shouldn’t be in drouble.”

Janis’ stepdad hums thoughtfully. “We’ll talk about this with your mother at home.”

“See you toborrow!” Damian waves as Janis is hauled out the door.

“I don’t know about that, bud,” his mother chuckles. “Noses take a few days to fix, you might have to stay home tomorrow.”

“Bud I just med Janis!” Damian pleads. “I gotta cobe toborrow so we can be frie’ds!”

“We’ll see what the doctor says. Maybe we can set up a playdate soon if you can’t come to school,” his mother chuckles, ruffling his hair. “Let’s go get your nose fixed.”

Damian hops up and grabs his backpack, following his mom and chattering away about his new best friend forever.

—-

Damian is, miraculously, back at school the next day. He’s sporting a dashing splint and two black eyes, and is awed over by the other kids all morning.

But he keeps his promise and saves a seat for Janis. He helps her at science time, and Janis helps him with reading. They work together in art class that day to make a masterpiece of a clay turtle, and make the coolest snowman ever on the playground at recess.

“Did you get in trouble yesterday?” Damian asks as he heaves to lift the head onto it.

“Yeah. I’m not allowed to watch TV for a week,” Janis replies, hunting for the best pebbles for his buttons. “But Mama gave me a high five too.”

“Grownups don’t make sense,” Damian sighs. Janis holds out a handful of stones she’s found. “Those are good rocks.”

“I think so too,” Janis smiles, patting them into place with her little mittened hands. “Oh, and Mama said I can do tap dance class! She’s gonna sign me up next week.”

“Awesome!” Damian yells, bouncing up and down. “Wait, do we go to the same dance school?”

“Mama says there’s only one nearby,” Janis shrugs. “I know Mama’s phone number, you can give it to your mama and then they can make sure.”

“Okay,” Damian shrugs. “Come on, let’s see if lost and found has any hats!”

————-

ten years later

“Hey Dame?” Janis asks, cuddled up with her best friend on his bed and looking at the new playbills they’ve just finished adding to his wall.

“Hmm?”

“Sorry I broke your nose.”

Damian bursts out laughing. “It’s okay. Sorry I said you couldn’t punch.”

Janis smiles and ruffles his hair. “It’s okay.”

Because that was the best thing that ever happened to me.

#platonic soulmates #janis sarkisian #damian hubbard #mean girls #mean girls musical #mean girls broadway #mean girls the musical #mean girls on broadway

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lennox-levin-little-lilith-did · 4 years

Text

Hello people who follow me

For people who haven’t been following my blog all that much, I have Dissociative Identity Disoder, more commonly known as Spilt Personality, or Multiple Personality Disoder (which it’s no longer called this, the shortened version is DID)

DID is a disordercharacterized by the presence of two or more distinct personality states. A reaction to trauma as a way to help a person avoid bad memories.

Symptoms are;

Behavioral: impulsivity, self-destructive behavior, or self-harm (check, check, and check)

Mood: anxiety, feeling detached from self, or mood swings (check, check, and check)

Psychological: altered consciousness, depression, or flashback (check, check, and check)

Also common: amnesia or blackout (huge check)

Let’s start this my early childhood-

I never had a dad, he was in and out of my life constantly. So I was always looking for a father figure.

It didn’t help my mom was hopping from man to man at the time.

However I had one man in my life that never left and loved me like his own. That man was my uncle. I loved him so much, I still do, but by no means was he a good role model. He was in to drugs, never took his medication, and I think was in a gang (that if he hung out with some really bad people). One memory I have of him is him letting me help him make a roll (weed roll) when I was three or four.

I had a been diagnosed with ADHD by the time I was five. It was severe when I was younger, I couldn’t sit still or focus on anything, including school.

Anyways, one day, I come home from school, like any other day. I was happy because my grandmother had picked me up and said she would be staying with me for a while. (Mind you, this is what I’ve been told, I have zero recollection of this month). I come home to strange people and cars around my home, but I go about my greetings as usual. My mom had a boyfriend at this point, his name was Angel, he was nice (we’ll get back to him later). I was told to stay in my room with my kitten, Ella (yes the same cat I talk about to this day) and my dog, Sassy. My grandmother would come in to make I was okay, which I was. The next day was even weirder, a lady in a police uniform watched me get dressed for the day. My teachers treated me differently and I had to leave school early. I was confused, I also hadn’t seen my uncle in two days without communication. I was asked multiple questions about my uncle and I answered them honestly. I later learned that he had buried a woman’s body, had he killed her or not is a mystery as there was someone else with him that day he buried her.

My uncle had schizophrenia, and he had just revealed to me that he had an episode when everything was happening and he was off his meds.

We had moved in December of that year due to people screaming slurs at me whenever I went outside. I don’t remember this, again I have no recollection of that month.

I developed severe emotional issues, including bottling things up and exploding in violent outburst. My ADHD made it hard to focus on schoolwork, specifically reading. I alway spaced out while reading, and heard a small distracting voice, telling me to play with my stuffed animals or watch TV (I didn’t tell my mom this and I still haven’t). My mom didn’t understand why I was like this. She thought I was acting out for attention. So first through third grade I suffered and started to hate school. I started to hate my classmates. So I started to let that little voice speak for me. Eventually I started blacking out during school.

I didn’t know this wasn’t normal.

I didn’t know that when my mom asked what did I do at school, she thought I just didn’t want to talk about school.

Time skip to sixth grade (the worst year of my entire life)-

I was eleven at the time. I had friends, I was a social butterfly. Yeah, sure I had people I didn’t like, but I didn’t let them effect me.

Until November 29, 2016 (yes I remember the exact date)

The weekend before I had slept over at my bestie’s house, then I went home because I had 4-H on Sunday. I got my phone taken away Sunday night because my ‘friend’ wouldn’t stop texting me. I saw on my google docs I had a new document, shared with my teachers. It was nice, complimenting them on their teaching skills. But I didn’t write it. It wasn’t my typing style.

I went to school on Monday like any other day, happy and cheerful. Around second period, I got called to the office. I was asked if I wrote the doc that was under my email. I said yes because it was nice, I didn’t think anything was wrong with it.

Boy, was I wrong... (holy shit I’m about to cry writing this)

I got called down a second time, this time my principal was saying I hacked into others school accounts and wrote a threatening letter on google docs under another student’s account. I started to deny that I wrote anything, that I thought the doc was written on a spur of the moment.

The third time I was called down, it was with my best friend, Angie. We both didn’t know what was going on and denied any and all accusations.

The fourth and final time I was called down was at the end of the day... my teachers were there. They wouldn’t listen... they didn’t care what I said... I was a sweet girl with dreams and passions. I loved my teachers with all my heart... it didn’t matter to them. Nothing mattered to them (here come the waterworks).

I said I did it to protect my friends from getting in trouble...

In the end, I got three days of in school suspension and a beating from my mom that I don’t remember.

The first day, they forgot I was there. I was in a little white room, with a chair and a desk. The social worker came in and asked me if I had really done it. I had a good relationship with her, I really liked her... I shouldn’t have trusted her.

The second day... the second day, the principal, vice principal, and social worker of the school came into the room and I was confused. Then the screaming started... the banging on the desk. They thought on Monday I had written another doc to my teachers, saying they didn’t scare me and they could go fuck themselves and I changed a student’s pfp to a bloody knife.

Then the principal came around behind me, still screaming her head off, and slammed her hands down on my shoulders and squeezed, hard, resulting in bruises later that day. After that, the little voice took over and started crying. Sobbing for them to leave us alone. They walked out leaving a broken child in their wake.

I had curled up under the desk and continued to cried, repeatedly saying, “I want to die, I don’t deserve to live...” the social worker came back in and tried to calm me down, but I looked at her and said I wanted to die. This was the first time of so many, that I had a suicidal thought.

211 services were called and I told them I felt bad about everything I’ve ever done, continuing the lie I’ve been dragged into. I can’t tell the truth... They wouldn’t believe me anyways... I had thought. I went home and stayed home for the rest of the week. That night I walked into my kitchen and opened my knife drawer and pulled out the biggest knife, mind completely blank. I gently slid it against my wrist, thinking about cutting. I didn’t. I put the knife away and went back to my room, empty. I felt lost, and like I was drowning.

A third voice slowly developed. It was a boy this time, he was sad and hated talking to others (I’ll get to my second voice development in a bit). He took over during school, all though I could think on my own and speak, he had main control. I had a mental breakdown later that week after my class had been too loud, I told my music teacher it was because I had sensitive hearing (which was part of the reason). I stayed hidden during recess, and I sat in the back of the lunchroom with people I didn’t like or know. My outbursts only got more violent and more frequent, to the point where I would push my mom and stepdad (remember Angel, yeah him), resulting in more beatings from my mom.

My aunt got a lawyer to extinguish the suspension from my permanent record. The lawyer didn’t want to help all that much because he thought I was hiding something, which I was, but I refused to tell. The suspension was extinguished and I was allowed to use the school computers again.

I went to a new school the next year and transferred to where I’m located now...

First-seventh grade (the second voice��s development)-

My stepdad (Angel) was nice the first year my mom dated him. Then everything started to change. He started coming home drunk. After my little brother was born, things only got worse (and no, I don’t blame my brother for the change, it was envitable). He started getting angry at my mom, and at me. He started calling me a bitch, a little shit, a mistake.

I started to have out of body experiences, whenever I violent towards him. Pushing him, slapping him, punching him, scratching him. One time he slapped my mom and my mom’s therapist called DCF on her. I’ve been told I had walked into the kitchen right when he slapped her. However I don’t remember, I just remember the feeling of uncontrollable rage spreading through my body.

I don’t remember there being a voice in the beginning, I remember being one place or doing one thing, get angry, and suddenly being somewhere else. Especially when Angel started calling me names.

Another time, right after my mom had carpal tunnel surgery, he left suddenly. I was in the basement reading and playing with my bunny at the time. I came back up when my mom started screaming for me. The front door was left wide open and my brother left in the living room. We had Max and Ella, it was the summer of 2016. My mom was hysterical, screaming at me, saying it was my fault he left, that everything was my fault. I left the house and stayed with my neighbors for an hour, waiting for my mom to calm down. I went back and was sent straight to my room. I remember being angry, so mad at myself for no reason. I hated myself. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression the next year.

There’s a shit ton of stories I could tell about Angel getting drunk or leaving the house and coming back drunk. I won’t. I’m not here to tell a sob story, I never will ask for pity. I’m telling you how small things to certain people can be huge to another. My mom didn’t think it affected my all that much, my therapists thought I didn’t need intense therapy despite everything. All because I didn’t know that hearing voices other than your own wasn’t normal.

I started looking up depression and anxiety to help manage it better, and stumbled upon an article about schizophrenia. I looked more into it and found out about DID when I was thirteen, two years ago. However I still didn’t tell anyone... I was scared.

I was a freak

I was unnatural

I had three voices, three other people, inside of me. They wanted control, they wanted a voice too. They became unbearable, and when I started high school, I broke.

I tried to kill myself. I started starving myself the previous school year and started cutting over that summer... I finally told someone about the voices but no one believed me, and still no does. They think I’m lying...

So I’m not diagnosed, but I know I have DID.

Who’s who-

Little was voice one- she’s a little, under the age of ten. Little isn’t her real name but I don’t want her name out there on the internet where people can manipulate her. She has ADHD and is incredibly hyper. This body doesn’t get much rest, so after someone else fronts, we usually have to sleep. She’s also a trauma holder, knowing what happened that month blackout. She has no interest in people romantically (obviously, she’s a child)

Lilith is angry blackout/voice two- she’s ageless, a prosecutor, and a secret keeper. She’s a trauma holder to the verbal and physical abuse I suffered when I was younger, really up until last year I was verbally abused by my mom. She has anger issues and severe mood swings. She rarely fronts, but when she does, Levi or I have to co-con with her so she doesn’t murder someone. She’s angry and is always aggressive towards me and Little. She leaves Levs out of her aggression though. Lilith is bisexual (no, not pan like I identify).

Levin/Levi/Lev(he goes by all of them however I prefer calling him Levi)- he has insomnia and major social anxiety. (Also is co-conscious with me rn) He’s apathetic and very neutral when it comes to opinions, but he’s humorous and super sarcastic when he’s comfortable. He’s a gatekeeper and he’s 18. He as food related anxiety, but no major eating disorders. He’s has no sexual desires, but is romantically attracted to girls.

Lennox(the writer of this)- they age with the body, so 15, and host/often front. They have social anxiety, depression, body dysmorphia, and is the first alter, or first recognized alter. They are nonbinary and pansexual.

I’m going to start labeling who your talking to, or who’s out at the time, like this

-Lennox (Kay?)

Thank you for reading!

I’mma tag some people I think should see this-

@one-pissed-off-child @madame-ree @queenzie-xo @anon-nom-nom95 @liveto-100 @aleiakit @gogetyoselfsomesoup @nadia-saaaaan @mai-ki-000 @martinidrinkingmartin @scalybunnypapi69 @pumpkineiji @cristinaweeb @pikaweebo @siyarduous-lazyaf @reijishiki

And to lighten my mood and for giggles-

POWER WALK BEFORE YOUR LATE ZUZU!!!

🤣🤣🤣🤣

#tw suicude #tw self harm #dissociative identity disorder #this is me

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night-dragon937 · 4 years

Text

I need to share my experience from a few hours ago (writing this at 2 am aug 24 2020) yesterday but first I'm going to slap a huge tw: abuse, Christianity/gay stuff, anxiety attacks, and yelling/screaming, transphobia/homophobia, self harm/cutting and a lot of cussing/swearing onto this. Like this is deeply religious and I'd rather not have discourse on my beliefs.

That should cover it...

Okay so it started out fine, my mom and i were just talking. She was drunk, and attempting to convince me that my asexuality meant that i was straight... But since she was drunk, I'mma give her that. There was a lot of aphobia but that's not what this is about She started telling me about her experience, and best i can describe it, she's a closeted demisexual biromantic lady with a preference for girls and a shit ton of internalized homophobia ("being sexually attracted to women's bodies more than men's doesn't make me lesbian, I'm still straight")

It was a mostly civil conversation, but it was adding onto my bad feelings from my dad the past several weeks making snide hurtful remarks about our religion and my sexuality and gender. Also using the f-slur against me when i had explained to him in the past how badly that word hurts me, to which he apologized profusely and said he'd never have used that word if he knew how it affected me. Obviously a lie, because he's still using it with full knowledge of the effects.

Back to my mom. She started getting into the religious side of it, but we managed to keep it civil, until the very end when she said she'd be praying for me and i said I'd be praying to help figure out who exactly i am, and she remarked "make sure you're praying to the right person" with a really threatening tone to her voice. At that point, i lost it, let her know that her saying that made me want to go back to cutting (in case she wasn't aware) and said that i needed a moment alone (or something along those lines, i was thrown head first into an anxiety attack and can't quite remember very well).

I ran upstairs as she tried to grab me and pull me back, but i managed to make it to my room. I went into a fetal position, because safe, but she came in and all i remember is her screaming repeating some question, i think, at me, me not being able to breathe, her hands squeezing my wrists way too tight, my wrist pinned to the carpet with her knee, the other with her hand as she tried to grab my jaw and force me to look at her.

Her touching me made the attack worse (hours later i still have marks and scratches) and i couldn't talk, think, or breathe. Somehow i was able to choke out repeated pleas for her to stop touching me because it was making everything worse. I don't know how long that lasted. But at some point she stopped grabbing me and just placed her hands on me and started praying in tongues. Like i was fucking demon possessed. Because i had an anxiety attack. Which my parents have been triggering in me for as long as i can remember.

I managed to sit up and get her to stop touching me, but she refused to be less than a foot away from me, even though i was going through a sensory overload and needed personal space. She finally trapped me into a corner of my room and put her arms on either side of me, one of them holding the door closed. She was screaming in my face and i was yelling over her, asking her to give me personal space and stop being so loud so that i could calm down, which she refused. I ended up very trapped and very uncomfortable and doing my best to not have another anxiety attack while replying to the most outlandish of her accusations, but mostly keeping my mouth shut in an attempt to get her to do the same.

She kept using my deadname, like usual, but it was worse for me for some reason at this point. I mentioned that and got yelled at more. I mentioned her pinning my wrists to the ground and got called a liar and she tried to make it so that i couldn't leave and grab a Kleenex until i admitted she was right and that i pinned myself to the ground (???). So i just started describing what i remembered until she got sick of it and let me go wipe my nose. She must have closed my door when she first came in. My dad (stepdad) was standing outside the door, eavesdropping, apparently.

I got a Kleenex but then my mom started yelling at me again, but i mostly just pretended to listen because i didn't want to have another anxiety attack. My dad started piping in and making me feel so much worse. He ended with saying "you're not a Christian. You don't believe in God. Even the devil believes in God." (Implying that I'm worse than the devil). At which point i started breaking down crying. And then i ran outside to have another anxiety attack but this time my mom just stood on the porch because the grass was wet and she was barefoot, but i curled up under the stars for who knows how long as i forced myself to do breathing techniques, and stim by rubbing the wet grass, which really helped ground me.

I went back inside when i was feeling better and got a drink of water and a Kleenex. And they started telling me how much they loved me and that i might not see it, but they were doing this out of love, because they were concerned for my eternity. I kept pointing out things they were doing that hurt me and better ways to do it (constructive criticism, so they know what's bad for me) and they repeatedly told me how much worse they could make it for me and that i should be glad they didn't make it worse. I pointed out that this didn't make their actions better and they said "doesn't make them wrong, either." Which ????? Victim blaming, abuse, what?

I brought up the times I've cried out to God for answers and the few times He's responded, (refusing my request for Him to kill me, telling me I'm not going to Hell for being gay/queer) bc they kept bringing up a few dubiously translated verses of the Bible and they told me that i was listening to the wrong person. That i was worshipping the wrong one. They heavily implied that i pray and worship the devil (disclaimer: i don't judge those who do, that's your life, I'm not gonna try and decide it for you, also i can admit that the church of Satan makes valid points and treats people right, from what I've seen, this is just a huge insult for them to throw at me specifically because of what I've been taught my whole life). Also invalidating my whole experience just because they don't like it.

They keep bringing up me being involved in the community (following queer people on social media, having one queer shirt, going to gsa-which they told me I'm not allowed to be a part of anymore-, having queer friends) as me seeking validation and attention, and that i shouldn't need validation and it shouldn't be about validation if I really think that this is who i am. Aka, because i am human and seek human things, i must be a total fake and fraud about all I've told them (very little). Meanwhile they do the exact same thing with their friends and social media and each other and everything.

My dad kept piping up with totally unrelated, totally unhelpful comments and tangents while my mom recited the same 5 min spiel for at least half an hour. My dad was saying how my grandparents aren't actually Christians because they agree with me that the world isn't black and white and there are some shades of gray, and because they believe once saved, always saved. That there is nothing you can do, as an imperfect human, to remove yourself from the infinite and unconscious love of God. (... I can't believe he fucking believes that humans have the ability to overrule God because it makes it easier for him to blame and condemn people he sees...)

These are the grandparents who have loved me regardless of my sexuality and gender, even tho they don't agree, and made me feel loved and gave me a place to go when i need to escape from my parents. They're the reason I'm keeping my mom's maiden name (since it hasn't been legally changed) because it's their last name, and it's them i want to honor, not my abusive shitty hateful stepdad. Unfortunately they are moving into assisted living because my papa is in a wheelchair, so i can't move in with them.

He ended that tangent with repeatedly telling me that i was not saved. That i was not a Christian. That i didn't believe in God. And that i was going to Hell. Repeatedly.

My mom made me hug her and made me tell her i love her. I ended up exercising to stop myself from becoming suicidal. I don't know if I'll tell anyone irl apart from the one irl friend i have on here. I'm not sure if I'm going to tell my therapist or not. I reached out to two of my christian friends after everything but they were both asleep. I needed to write this all down and put it somewhere public, just to be safe. I'm not safe in my own home and i can't move out because I'm a. Under 18 and b. Broke as hell

There was a lot more that happened, this lasted several hours, but i honestly can't remember all of the details besides what i typed out. Anyway so yeah i kinda wish i were dead but i also wanna stay alive for spite and show them that i can be a fabulous queer Christian and that the world is colorful, and you can't reduce that to monochrome and expect to have an even partially accurate view of the world. I want to help others like me, and help them feel better about myself.

I'm setting this as a queue so that if my parents take my phone away, they can't stop me from posting it (they have no clue how to look at queued posts) and also so that i can go to bed now and look at it again later and edit it

#tw abuse mention #blog post #tw yelling #tw transphobes #tw homophobes #tw cussing #tw cursing #tw swearing #tw anxiety attacks #tw christianity #tw self harm #tw cutting #rant tw #tw rant #long post

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cubeswhump · 4 years

Text

Will Not be a Victim for my character, Blondie.

The neglected Blondie. I need to get back to my Powers Verse too. And the immortal bitches. I have a Sweetie and Michelle story drafted though.

Warnings for mentions of violence, referenced torture, bit of ableism. Pretty tame compared to what I usually write.

The phone rang from her nightstand, and again, and again. Then it started pinging with texts: Terry-Ellen has spoken to me but my own daughter won’t answer her phone.

I’ll be arriving at your house at 6PM.

Blondiw growled and dialled the number. The phone rang only twice before the deep voice came on the other line: “Oh, so you’ve decided to stop ignoring me?”

“Fucking hell, Dad. I’m twenty-three,” Blondie reminded him. “Chill.’

"Language, Melinda,” he scolded lightly. “I don’t care of you’re eighty-three. You’re still my daughter and we just got you back. I need to be sure that you’re okay.”

"I'm fine, Dad."

"Are you really?"

Blondie pinched the bridge of her nose. Don't call him a nosy twat, don't call your dad a nosy twat. She breathed out. "You hired a fucking bodyguard for me. "That's humiliating enough, and now you're prying into my life like I'm a child."

"Language. Good lord, you take after your mother," he sighed. "Who are you embarrassed in front of? You haven't left your house in more than two weeks." His voice was so even and annoyingly calm. Blondie swallowed back the snarl crawling up her throat. "Is it really prying to be concerned about my daughter? I just want to know that you're okay. I haven't seen you since-"

"Okay, okay, I'll stop by tomorrow. No need to stop by." She knew her father would have some words if she saw the state her house was in. Tej wasn't hired to clean after the slob, and no one had patched up the hole Blondie punched in the living room.

"Are you sure? If I come over you can stay home and rest," he offered.

"You just got on my ass for staying in my house!"

"You know that is not what happened, Melinda."

"I'll be there at eleven in the morning, okay?"

"I'll expect you by twelve."

Blondie huffed and hung up as he chuckled.

***

Tej was prodding her. "Get up. We've gotta go soon."

Blondie lifted her head abd ahot rhe other wonan a glare. "There's no we. You're staying home."

"You know that's not how it works," she said, unfazed. "I'll make you coffee."

"Don't." Blondie pyr one foot on the floor and grabbed one crutch. The other must have fallen over at some point in the night, and Blondie whacked Tej with the crutch in her hand when the thin woman tried to help her retrieve the fallen one. "Scram, bitch."

"Very nice, " Tej said sarcastically, handing her the crutch anyway. She caught the crutch Blondie swung at her. "Have you ever considered treating the help like people?"

"Go on, call me a bitch. There's nothing in your contract that says you can't insult me, yeah?"

"I'll leave you to get dreased," Tej said dryly. "Your hair looks nice. Did you wash it?"

She shut the door behind her just in time for the television remote to crash into the wood.

Blondie had only worn bath robes and undergarments for the last few weeks and she hadn't gotten to modifying any pants to her new body. Skirts? No, fighting in a skirt wasn't a great idea - if she needed to fight. Fights were always possible.

Shorts. A pair of shorts, one sock, one combat boot. The left bood sat all alone and sad. She kicked it over. Hair in a bun.

"Your coffee, Blondie." Tej shoved the steaming mug right in her face while Blondie was trying to sneak out the front door.

"I told you not to make me coffee," Blondie grumbled.

"Coconut creamer and one Sweet-N-Low," Tej tempted her, voice sing-song.

"I'm getting coffee on the way to my dad's, shithead." And she was out tje door, slamming it behind her - or trying to. Tej caught it just before it closed and slipped out after her.

"Want me to drive? You can relax," Tej offered, reaching for the keyring in Blondie's hand. Blondie jerked it away.

"I'll relax when you're dead. It's my fucking car."

"Cool, cool."

Tej was in the passenger's seat before Blondie had even opened her door so she couldn't even lock her out. Tej smiled at her knowingly. Blondie gripped the steering wheel sp hard her fingers turned white.

Tej tried to make conversation throughout the drive and Blondie turned the volume up a few notches every time she opened her mouth. After a million years, she pulled up in front of the coffee shop.

"I'll get you an iced mocha cappuccino," Blondie said as she got out of the car. Tej was stepping out too.

"Nah, I wanna look at the menu," she replied. Blondie squeezed her eyes shut and clenched her teeth, reciting the "calming phrases" from her counseling sessions as a teenager.

When was this place ever this busy? Blondie sighed as she joined the line, Tej at her side. "You know, you're paying for your own shit."

"That's fair," Tej shrugged. "Your daddy pays me weekly."

Blondie sneered at her.

The line inched forward. A woman and her child joined. Seriously, did the entire fucking town want coffee right now?

"Wow..." the woman said, her voice hushed. "What happened?"

Blondie didn't realize the woman was talking to her until she felt a tap on her shoulder.she turned around, finding the woman's wide eyes on her still-bandaged stump. The little girl stared too, reaching for Blondie's crutch. Blondie jerked it away from her sticky hand and scowled, but neither noticed.

"What happened?" the woman asled again. "Why don't you get a prosthetic leg?"

"I pesteres someone with intrusive questions and she pulled out a machete," Blondie snapped. The woman recoiled.

"Ma'am, you're being very insensitive, and you should teach your child not to touch anyone's mobility aids." Tej launched right into a lecture. "Please treat my friend as you would treat-"

Blondie's temper boiled over. She raised one crutch and bashed it into the woman's knee. Tej's hand clamped over her own mouth as the woman fell over with a screech, dragging her daughter down with her.

"Oops. My bad." Blondie turned her back on the pair.

"Did you see that?" the woman cried as she got back to her feet. The cashier looked over from the customer he was dealing with, frowning.

"I'll be out fast," Blondie promised the cashier. "No trouble."

They walked out with their coffees and gluten-filled breakfast, Blondie's coffee spouting steam that smelled of coconut... Something she could have gotten at home. Tej predictably got a mocha cappuccino.

"I mean," Tej finally said during their resumed drive, mouth full of bagel, "not that I blame you much, but public battery isn't a food luck."

Blondie turned the radio up higher.

The guard let them into the gated, cookie cutter community. Towering houses were identical, painted a cream not a shade lighter or darker than the house nextdoor. Perfect gardens, no blade of grass even a centimeter overgrown. One house had flowers a different shade of pink than the rest. Blondie might have struggled to differentiate the houses if Chase weren't waving frantically at the end of one driveway.

"Melinda, love, how are you?" The large man was coming at her with open arms as she stepped out of the car. She was too slow thinking of an excuse to get out of hugging her stepdad, and he squeezed her tight.

"Peachy," she told him.

He hugged Tej too before letting both women into the house. He was talking a mile a minute and Blondie let Tej handle the conversation.

"I see you brought beverages. No tea then?" he asked. Blondie shook her head. "Oliver's in his study."

"Tell him hi for me," Tej chirped, and Blondie decided she would not do that. She hurried away when the other two started discussing how much they lift at the gym.

115 pounds? Unimpressive, Tej.

She didn't bother knocking on the mahogany door, throwing it right open. "Yo."

Oliver swiveled around in his chair like a James Bond villain. He even looked the part with his coiffed grey hair and serious expression. "Good morning, Melinda. You were almost on time. Have a seat."

"Nice to see you too," Blondie said sarcastically, falling back ontp the plump sofa.

"Oh, no, you're covered in crumbs! Why didn't you brush yourself off outside?"

"Just vacuum later. I had a muffin."

Oliver sighed, turning back to his laptop. "Depending on your recovery time, we'll get you fitted for prosthesis." He flicked through images. Some were very realistic and even matching her skin color, others clunky and robotic, some abstract and hardly resembling a limb. "We should find a design that fits your activity level, preferably a more realistic one. No one has to know. At that point we'll get you to that physical therapist I've been talking to, and-"

"Whoa, hold on a minure. Don't I get a say?" Blondie snapped. "And who said I want a realiatic one? Maybe I don't want to pretend I'm fucking normal."

"Whatever you want, darling. But I'm not going to let you hold yourself back."

"You tell me to take it easy abd slow down and then you get on my ass for being behind the curve. The fuck is that?"

Oliver sighed. He turned back tp his daughter, choosing his next words carefully. "I know how much you enjoy your hobbies. I think it'll be better for your mental health if you get back into dance and martial arts soon."

Back into dance. She was already the largest girl in the studio, dwarfing the tiny instructor even when she was twelve. Skilled as she was, she never had a ballerina's body and her instructor's main complaints were her thundering footsteps and "unladylike gait". Well, at least pointe shoes wouldn't hurt a prosthetic leg.

"It's my body and my life," Blondie reminded him.

"And it's my money that pqid your medical bills," he shot back. She rolled her eyes. "Melinda, you know I just want what's best for you. I want to help you. I need to help you."

"Help yourself first," Blondie snarled. "How's your boytoy?"

"I've been married to Chase since you were eight. Stop calling him my boytoy," Oliver sighed. Any other time, Blondie might have laughed at how annoyed her dad got when she mocked his husband. "And fifteen years isn't such a significant age difference when you're out of your twenties."

"He's a gold-digger."

"He's well worth what he costs, and he loves you like his own daughter. Come on, stop changing the subject. You mean so much to me. You were the victim of such a-"

"I'm not a victim," she hissed, leaning forward in her seat. Her eyes narrowed. "If anyone's a victim, it's that bitch Camilla. You know, queen of the cabbage patch."

Oliver's eyebrows knit together. "Cabbage patch?"

"Because she's a vegetable," Blondie said, and her father sighed heavily.

"I'm not denying that she's a bad person, but you don't need to be discriminatory. Other, much nicer people live with brain damage."

"Dad, shut the fuck up and listen to me," Blondie demanded. "I fought my way out. I'm not a victim!"

"Yes, yes, you're a survivor," he said in a voice like he was placating a toddler.

"No, I'm Melinda fucking Van Doren."

He lifted his glasses to pinch the bridge of his nose. "Before anything, you're my daughter and I want what's best for you."

"I actually know what's best for me because I am me."

"I'm your father. I know you pretty damn well."

"Yeah, okay. I'll keep in tough." Blondie started to stand, but Oliver held a hand up.

"Stay for lunch. Samantha made two extra plates."

It still weirded her out that her father had a cook. Her mother missed having servants after the divorce, but Blondie tried her best to keep her home free of employees. And she got stuck with Tej, the most intrusive Van Doren employee.

Chase brought two plates of chicken parmesan to the damn study.

"Workaholic," he said and rolled his eyes, kissing Oliver on the cheek. Blondie rolled her eyes. "Well, I've been having a lovely chat with Miss Tej while you two have been bonding."

Bonding. Sure.

Blondie stabbed into her chicken. She imagined it was the Queen - no, Camilla - that she was stabbing over and over, making sure she never recovered. Because she wasn't the Queen's victim.

She was Melinda "Blondie" Van Doren. She was a fucking hero and people would know that soon.

#bthb #bthb card #bth bingo #bad things happen bingo #bad things bingo #my writing #my characters #blondie #tej #whump #female whump #female whumpee #lady whump #past trauma #ableism tw

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ofstarsandvibranium · 5 years

Text

From Left Field: Part 2

Fandom: Marvel (Single Parent AU)

Pairing: Chubby!Bucky Barnes x Reader

As requested by anonymous: I just got back from taking my son to the park and I saw a guy there that reminded me of a chubby Bucky. Now I’m just imagining chubby Bucky falling for a mother. It would be the sweetest thing in the world and he would be such a wonderful stepdad!

A/N: this is gonna be a 3 part series! that’s it! NO tags! (except for @cametobuyplums )

The days had come and gone, and now it was Saturday which meant that you would be meeting up with Bucky at the coffee shop. With Mason strapped into his car seat, his usual essentials packed, you were on your way to Queens.

During that time, you played your playlist of Disney songs. You and Mason sang along to every song, doing your best to hit all of the accurate notes, and laughing when you couldn’t.

Eventually, you arrived to Queens and the apartment complex of your babysitter. You climbed the steps and let Mason knocked on the door. Seconds passed and it swung open.

“Mason, my buddy!”

“Peter!” your son exclaimed and hugged the teenager’s legs.

Peter chuckled, “It’s good to see ya, Mason.” and with your four year old still attached to his legs, Peter leaned in and hugged you, “Hey, Y/N.”

“Hey, Pete. Thanks for watching him.”

Peter snorted, “C’mon, Y/N. I love Mason. He’s my buddy, right?”

“Right!” Mason exclaims with a jump.

You knelt down and kissed your son’s cheek, “Alright, baby. Be good for Peter, okay?”

“Okay, mommy. Love you!”

“I love you too, baby.” with another kiss and a hug and a thank you to Peter, you were on your way to Maximoff’s Cafe.

____________________________

Bucky arrived to the cafe early because he was nervous. Yes, he knew this wasn’t a date, but still. This was his first time making a friend in a long time and he just needed to get his nerves settled.

Wanda, one of the baristas and owner of the cafe, got him some chamomile tea to ease his nerves. It did nothing. So thanks for nothing, Wanda!

So he just sat at a table being a bundle of nerves as he waited for you.

“Hey, Bucky!” you approached him with a smile, when you arrived just on time, “How long have you been waiting here?”

“Oh not long.” Liar. You’ve been here for the past hour!

“Oh, okay! I’ve never been here before. It looks so cool and homey.”

“My friends own the place, Wanda and Pietro Maximoff. Brother and sister duo.”

“Cool. So that means you must get free drinks?”

Bucky snorted, “Not even close. But I do get free pastries and sandwiches.”

“That’s so much better than free drinks!”

“Yup and clearly,” he grabs his around stomach, “I love to eat. A lil’ too much that it’s obviously become a problem?”

You look at him curiously, “A problem?”

“I gained a lot of weight the past few years. Don’t look my best. That’s why I was all gross and sweaty at the park, if you noticed. Been trying to work it all off.”

“Are you unhealthy?”

“No. I just-I’m not all that great to look at right now. Few years back people said I was handsome, hot, sexy, whatever. I didn’t think too much of it. And I guess I took that for granted ‘cause now-”

You shook your head, “Stop that, Bucky.”

“What?”

“Diminishing yourself. Sure, you’ve gained weight, but that doesn’t mean the more you gain the less valuable you are.”

“But-”

“And frankly, I think you’re very attractive. Chub and all. But I get it. I mean, after I had Mason, I didn’t lose any of the pregnancy fat. It just stayed there. So I get why you’re insecure. I mean,” you scoffed, “my ex, Mason’s dad, cheated on me with someone skinnier and hotter.”

“Asshole,” Bucky mumbled.

You smirked, “Tell me about it. He made me feel super shitty, but a friend helped me realize that, first off, I shouldn’t feel sorry about myself because of my ex ‘cause he’s an asshole anyway and doesn’t deserve me.” Bucky nodded in agreement, “and second, no matter what my weight or size is, I’m still valuable. I’m a hardworker, I’m intelligent, I’m polite, I’m kind, I’m a good mother, and I’m hot as shit!”

Bucky shook his head, “You’re wrong about one thing. You’re not a good mother. You’re a great mother. And for the record, you’re very beautiful.”

“Thank you, Bucky,” you leaned back in your chair with a sigh, “Well, that’s not how I expected us getting to know each other go. I thought we would talk about our jobs, favorite movies, if we have pets, all that. But no, we got into the deep stuff already.”

Bucky chuckled and have you a shrug, “Well, what could you do?” he leaned in and smiled at you, “So, Y/N, you got any pets?”

____________________________

Your time at the cafe with Bucky was so chill and refreshing. You laughed, talked, listened, and learned a lot about each other. You even met Wanda and Pietro, who were kind enough to give you a free sandwich since “a friend of Bucky’s is a friend of ours” as they said.

Four hours later, it’s six o’clock and you and Bucky are heading out of the cafe with to go boxes in hand.

“This was really nice. I needed this, Bucky. Thank you.”

“Of course. I had a really great time talking and getting to know you, Y/N.”

“Wanna do this again soon?”

Bucky grinned, “I’d love that. I’ll let you know when I’m free again.”

“Sounds good.”

“Is it alright if I hug you?” he asked apprehensively.

He felt relieved when you nodded, “Of course!” you immediately wrapped your arms around him and gave him a light squeeze, “See you soon, Bucky.”

He hugged you back, “I’ll see you soon, Y/N.”

You both then walked your separate ways to your cars and you were off towards the Parkers’ apartment. Within thirty minutes, Peter helped you strap a sleeping Mason in his carseat, his bag of things in your trunk. You thanked Peter with some money and a hug and you were onto your journey back home.

It was a good day.

____________________________

After that day, Bucky became a constant in your life. You two started to meet up once a week, talking and texting when you could. He also started to come by your apartment more. Whether it was bringing you food, helping you cook food, or watching over Mason while you got some stuff done around the apartment. Having Bucky around was so nice. He became your best friend.

And his constant presence around you didn’t go unnoticed. Your other friends and your family were constantly asking if you two were together. But you always responded with the same thing: “We’re just friends!”

But no one believed you. Friends didn’t spend every waking moment talking, texting, or seeing each other. Friends don’t come to your place with flowers in hand just because they saw them and thought of you. Friends don’t make no effort in correcting your son when he accidentally calls them “daddy”. That one was an uncomfortable situation.

You tried to reason with them all, but they didn’t relent. After hearing it so many times in so many different ways, you finally stopped to think for a moment. Did Bucky only see you as friend? Or did he see you as more? Did you see Bucky as more than a friend?

You thought about all the things Bucky has done with and for you for the past six months. When you thought about any and every instance, there was a fluttering in your stomach, your heart started racing, and there was a smile on your face. Oh shit.

Do you have feelings for Bucky?!

____________________________

“Mommy, we’re hooome!” Mason announces as he and Bucky enter the apartment.

You squat and open your arms to receive a hug from your son, “How was your day, baby?”

“I can count to twenty now!”

“Wow! That’s amazing, Mase! Good job! Now, why don’t you go put your things away and you could have a snack okay?”

“Okay, mommy!” he takes his backpack from Bucky and rushes over to his room.

Bucky helps you stand and then wraps his arms around you in a quick hug, “Hey. I thought you wouldn’t be home.”

“I thought so too, but here I am! Thanks again for picking Mason up.”

Bucky chuckled, “Seriously, Y/N, stop thanking me. I don’t mind. I love Mason and I love helping you out too.”

“So you only love Mason, huh?” you asked teasingly.

That caught Bucky by surprise and he started stuttering, “I, uh, well, um-”

“Mommy! I can’t weach the aminal cwackers!” Mason cries out from the kitchen.

“Duty calls,” you say with a smile and then enter the kitchen to help out your son.

Saved by the boy, Bucky. Nice. He thought, mentally berating for becoming a stuttering mess after your teasing remark. The thing was that he didn’t only love Mason. He loves you too, but he doesn’t want to tell you. He couldn’t tell you because...

Because she’s not looking to date anyone, stupid!

Yes, we know! We all know! Don’t need to remind us! Sam does that almost every single day! The smug bastard.

“You stayin’ for dinner, Buck?” you ask from the kitchen.

Say no. You’re spending too much time with her! She’s gonna know your feelings for her eventually and she’s gonna be so uncomfortable around you and you’re going to loser her forever!

Why...Why are you like this?

I’m just trying to knock some sense into him!

He loves her! Leave him alone!

He shouldn’t be in love her in the first place!

“Buck?” you peek your head out from the kitchen.

Bucky just smiles at you, “Yeah, if that’s alright with you?”

You snort, “You have a key to my place, Bucky, so of course it’s okay for you to stay for dinner.”

She probably thinks you’re a loser ‘cause you’re always hanging out at hers.

Will you shut up!

“Huh?” your head pops into view again and Bucky realizes that he just said that outloud.

“Oh, uh, my phone keeps vibrating. Group chats get annoying, ya know?”

“I just mute them.”

“Yeah. I should do that too.” Smooth, Bucky. Real smooth.

____________________________

After dinner, you cleaned up the kitchen and the three of you watched a movie. Once it was over, it was Bucky helped Mason get ready for bed. After reading him a story, he called you in for good night kisses and Mason was fast asleep in no time.

“Well, I better get to my place to get some sleep before my shift.” and Bucky heads to the door.

You follow to show him out, “Thanks again for getting Mason and giving him a bath and getting-”

He shook his head, “Y/N, I told you you don’t have to thank me.”

“Yes, Bucky, I do. You’ve helped me out so much with Mason ever since I met you. I know I said being a single parent is alright, but with you around, it’s been so much easier.”

“I’d do anything for you guys. I love Mason and-a-and I love you.” you stare at him in shock as he continues, “I’m in love with you, Y/N and I know I shouldn’t be. You’ve become my best friend and I shouldn’t jeopardise that, but loving you and Mason has come so easy to me. You two make me so happy.

“A-And I know you said you didn’t want to date right now. I’m not gonna force you or give you any incentive to. I just-I just thought I should let you know how important you two have become to me. I won’t even take it to heart that you don’t feel the same ‘cause we’re friends and I’m not the best lookin’ fella arou-mmf.” his words were silenced by your lips on his. Wait. Your lips were on his lips. You were kissing him! You’re really kissing him! He immediately grabs your waist and pulls you closer, kissing you back.

When you finally needed to breath, you pulled away panting, “I love you too, Bucky. I’m so grateful to have you around. You’ve been such a great role model and father figure to Mason. We both love you, Bucky, so much.”

“I’m so glad to hear that, Y/N. You-You don’t even know.”

“I love you so much, Bucky. I love how the corners of your eyes crinkle when you smile and laugh. I love how you never get tired of eating pizza. I love how ramble on about space. I love how you’re there for Mason and I. I love your beard and how handsome it makes you. I love your belly, it’s so pudgy and squishy and nice to wrap my arms around. I love how sexy you are and you don’t even know it. I love you, Bucky Barnes, and everything about you.”

Bucky cups your face, his thumbs softly stroking your cheeks, “I love you, Y/N, and thank you, for helping me realize that no matter how I look, I’m still worthy of love, of your love.” he takes a glance at his watch and sighs, “I love you and I really wanna stay to kiss you more, but I gotta go get some sleep before my shift.”

“Or you can sleep here? You have your uniform in your car anyway.”

He groans, “As much as I would love to do that, I know that if I stay here, I’m not gonna want to leave.”

‘I don’t see how that’s a bad thing,” you say a a smirk.

“You’re a bad influence, sweetheart, but I’m gonna go.”

You give a pout, “Fiiine. Okay.”

He giggles as he presses a kiss to your lips. God, he still can’t believe this is real, that you’re real, “I’ll see you tomorrow. I promise. I’ll come by and we’ll talk about this. The three of us. Okay?”

You nod, “Okay. Drive safely. I love you.”

“I will and good night, Y/N, I love you too.”

With another kiss to your lips, Bucky was out the door. Once he was out of sight, you shut the door and slid against it to the floor.

You were so in love with Bucky.

#Bucky Barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #chubby!bucky #marvel #au #single parent au

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forbidd3nfruit · 4 years

Text

Okay time to rant because I’m sad and don’t want to dump more miserable bullshit on my friends.

My boyfriend broke up with me a month and a half ago due to his own inability to coexist in a healthy relationship. At that point we hadn’t even seen each other since March because of covid, so our whole breakup had to happen over FaceTime – the second time we ever FaceTimed in the entirety of our 1+ year relationship! 🙃 Getting me through this quarantine was knowing I could see him again when it was all over...kiss him, cuddle him, hold him in my arms. Now I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I’ll soon be leaving the comfortable suburbs I spent the quarantine in to return back to my draining life in NYC. Prior to this relationship I spent several years in the city feeling lonely and worthless. All I wanted was love, and it felt like I got burned every time I tried to find it. I don’t know if it’s just the city or what, but I’ve had a long string of short term friendships and it feels like people just come and go. Admittedly I’ve been the one to walk away from friendships as well, but nonetheless I haven’t felt great security or found people I feel like I can really count on. It’s just been me vs. the world. I’m extremely protective of myself so perhaps this is understandable. I’m very discerning about who I allow in my life and who I am vulnerable with. This very much applies to intimacy and because of it, I didn’t have any sex from September 2016 to January 2019. And by no means am I on a spectrum of asexuality. I am very much a horny person! But I’m only really interested in sexual encounters that are fueled by passion and emotional intimacy.

I can be quite the romantic, and I do often daydream about my future partner, but I’m also level headed and logical. I sensed from the beginning with him that our relationship would last a while, though I never thought he was my soulmate or anything like that. It just felt so stable and secure. He was certainly the first person I dated that I felt I could really count on, and outside of romantic feelings, one of the few people in general I really clicked with. Funny enough I wasn’t that attracted to him at first, when he popped up on my Tinder, and I remember consciously deciding to swipe right because I had seen him on social media before and was curious what he’d be like. Flash forward to me falling in love with him. I digress! He wooed me in a fun way, and ending up being the first person I sent nudes to. He felt stable and reliable but at the same time had a naughty flair that made a good balance for me. However things started to subtly change within a relatively short period of time. In the first 4 months of our relationship, we had sex only 5 times and the nudes and sexts started to slowly disappear. I would ask him about it and he always brushed it off, either giving the excuse that his libido ebbs and flows, or later on claiming erectile dysfunction. At the same time, he had become my best friend and someone that I talked to daily. (Or maybe I should clarify and say *texted* because I was the only one in the relationship who initiated actual phone conversations.) I tried to bring up the lack of sex a number of times, sometimes somewhat jokingly, but still seriously, and nothing was changed. Just empty promises of going to a doctor or seeing a therapist, which never happened. (the latter has finally happened, only took the relationship ending 🙄)

I began to confide in a certain friend who I knew would have a good perspective on the situation. She encouraged me to have a serious conversation with him, which I ultimately put off for a long time, and essentially warned me that this relationship would end at some point or another. I knew it was true. But the day to day of our relationship was fun and made me really happy, waking up to his good morning GIFs, getting photos of his pets throughout the day, and generally just talking to each other about anything and everything we were doing. I knew it would be really fucking hard to lose that. As time went on things only got worse. The sex never returned, he wouldn’t fully address the issue, and things were generally getting imbalanced. We barely saw each other once a week. I felt like he didn’t want to make time for me in his life. I made advanced plans for him to meet my parents once which he bailed on because he isn’t willing or able to stand up to his asshole stepdad. Low key we were in a LDR being at opposite ends of the tristate area, which made things tough, and it was getting unfair when he would always ask me to come to him all the time and rarely ever stay a night with me. Which makes no fucking sense because he’s the one living at home with questionably toxic parents and I’m a free bitch in my own apartment!

It became clear that he was not capable of providing me what I needed. And I wasn’t even asking for a lot. He wasn’t capable of providing basic things required in a relationship. I started to get paranoid, and earlier this year when we were about to get out of his car I thought I saw Grindr on his phone out of the corner of my eye. I immediately texted the aforementioned friend about it and she reassured me it was probably something else. As was the case for most of our visits, I put away all my frustration so I could enjoy the very little time I actually got with him. I didn’t even think about it much after that, although if I recall a lot of my frustrations were put over the edge that same night after his mother came into his room at night when the two of us were in bed. Which for me is a serious violation of privacy. I am a grown ass adult and no one’s mother should be walking in on me at 2am when I’m half naked in bed with my boyfriend. (Something I later discussed with him, and he didn’t seem to have much of a problem with. He doesn't see her level of inappropriate behavior or manipulation.) This was days before the quarantine hit, and I had been procrastinating my big conversation, and decided to continue to do so as I felt it was important to have it face to face.

But then shit hit the fan. I was talking with my friend during the quarantine and she asked if he had used this opportunity to send sexy texts or anything like that. I literally laughed in her face lol. At that point it had been over a year since he sent anything like that, and almost a year since we last had sex. She told me that ever since I told her about the possible Grindr incident earlier in the year, she couldn’t stop thinking about it. That there was a chance he was unsure of how to conduct himself in a relationship (definitely true) and therefore possibly talking to other guys casually (questionable). She tried to set a trap but nothing came of it, then again we didn’t really let enough time go by because I was so intensely entrenched in anxiety that I knew my only option was to confront him. So I did, on FaceTime, and he denied it, but after multiple conversations he told me he had to end the relationship. I cried so hard the next day. We both agreed to maintain communication, as a means to retain normalcy in the midst of this pandemic. My anxiety was still running rampant and I was paranoid that he was a) already talking to other guys on Grindr, b) lied about not being on Grindr during the relationship, or both. So this time I went on Grindr to look for myself and sure enough there he was. I know 2 weeks had gone by since our actual breakup but it still fucking stung. This is the person who wouldn’t fuck me or send me a damn dick pic for the last year of our relationship. And 5 minutes after it ends he starts hoeing around again???

I’ve been in so much pain since. We had a face to face meeting which was mostly a success, because he was actually able to be emotionally vulnerable for once in his fucking life, but I’m still hurt. He apologized for everything but never really explained to me why his relationship with sex is so complicated. Then again I doubt even he understands it. My friend reassures me that ultimately, he will be the one suffering with his own inability to process his emotions, whereas I will heal and find love again because I am emotionally intelligent and available. But right now it feels like he’s resumed life as normal and I’m here depressed over seeing his tweets. I miss him so much but thinking about him talking to other guys even if casually still really hurts me. This is someone I placed so much trust in and looked to for security and stability and he couldn’t even meet me halfway. I have so much fucking love to give and I give it with the utmost dignity. If his best at a relationship was half-assing it, I wish he wouldn’t even have gone on Tinder in the first place.

But perhaps I screwed myself over here. I’ve allowed years of sexual frustration to pent up and allowed myself to be in a relationship with someone who was not good enough for me. And apparently I still don’t feel like I deserve better because I’m obsessively thinking about him.

#breakup #break up

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eddiesasspbrak · 4 years

Text

“I only did it because I love you.”

Prompt inspired by one line of dialogue.

On AO3

Eddie and Richie have always been together. Their lives get pulled apart when they find themselves following work to opposite sides of the country. Eddie's new girlfriend, Myra, will go to great lengths to keep the two men apart.

12k+ words, oneshot

When Eddie had graduated college and left his best friend behind for a job in a different city, he’d been heartbroken. They’d known each other since they were children, were practically inseparable all the way through high school. When they chose to leave their small hometown of Derry behind, they had conveniently gotten into the same college.

They’d applied to all the same schools and sat together, opening letters at the same time to see if they could stay together. When they’d finally found matching acceptance letters it was decided. They couldn’t live without each other. Or, so they thought.

After graduation, Eddie had gotten a job in New York at an insurance company as a risk analysist. Richie talked about following him, but he hadn’t quite finished his degree and had planned to stay another year to finish it up. For a moment, Eddie considered turning down the job for something local, but Richie promised he’d graduate the following year and join him in the city. Until then they’d try to visit. Nothing would tear apart their friendship, that’s what Richie had promised followed by a snide comment about Eddie missing him too much to function.

So off he went, bound for New York. Richie helped him move, spent a few days getting him settled, and they said goodbye at the airport. Eddie cried unashamed, Richie held it in until he was out of sight. Eddie hardly slept that night. He was so used to falling asleep to Richie’s loud snoring from across the room that the silence became too much. Part of him wished he’d had the forethought to record his snoring while he could but that was probably a creepy thing to do. He went the next day to buy a white noise machine.

Emails, phone calls, texts, Facebook messages, they all became scarce and far between as both men became busy with their separate lives. Somehow Eddie found it easier and easier to live without Richie. Part of that was due to a girl he’d met. Myra.

During their first conversation he’d told her all about Richie. She’d told him he sounded like a bad influence and that he had too much of a dependency on the other man. It wasn’t good for him and the separation was going to cure him of that. He thought then of his mother. She’d never liked Richie, didn’t like their closeness. She wanted Eddie to make other friends. He made the point that he did have other friends. Five other friends in fact. He loved Bev, Ben, Mike, Bill and Stan but Richie was his best friend, the one he always thought of first when it came to sharing good news.

That’s why Richie had been the first to hear about Myra. He sent a series of texts, explaining that there was just some familiar comfort he’d found in her. He wasn’t completely sure he liked her at first, but she just cared so dearly for him and always had his best interest at heart. It made him feel loved and cared for. Something he longed for since being alone in the city.

Richie had congratulated him on finding someone, made a joke about how he was happy with Eddie’s mom as well, but it felt off. Like he wasn’t as happy for him as he let on. Eddie brushed it off as a misunderstanding. It was always so hard to determine tone in a text. That was when the messages began to come less frequently.

Richie never did keep his promise of following Eddie to New York. He’d often attended open mic nights at comedy clubs and managed to get a few laughs every time. On a particularly good night for him, wherein he made plenty of jokes about his first love, his unrequited love, an agent looking for new talent was lucky enough to be in the audience. He’d approached Richie and given him his card, filling his head with dreams of making it big as a comedian.

Richie had sat on that card for days, attending classes and going about his life as normal. He was so close to completing his degree and graduating. So close to going to Eddie. When he learned of the other man’s new girlfriend, his heart shattered in a very dramatic way. He pretended to support his friend, congratulated him, and then cried for a good hour.

He always knew that he would never have his feelings reciprocated, but Eddie never really dated before now. He might get a crush, do some flirting, his first kiss had been a public disaster (which Richie never let him live down), but he’d never had a relationship that lasted more than a week. Part of that might have been Richie’s fault.

Whenever a new girl would come sniffing around, Richie made sure to become extra clingy. Eddie never seemed to notice or mind, having been so used to Richie always being there with him. The taller man would make his vulgar jokes when they were around, which Eddie was used to having grown up with the guy. He’d always get a sigh and an eyeroll from his friend and harsh words from the girls that already hated him for being a third wheel. From there the relationships would fall apart as Eddie would refuse to stop hanging around Richie at their request. Richie always dreaded the day his tricks wouldn’t work anymore, and he’d be stolen away.

When Eddie had gone to New York alone, Richie was full of anxiety. He’d never been without the smaller man and wouldn’t be there to fight off the women. Eddie was cute, like a small animal you wanted to protect. Women always seemed to fall for that part of him.

His mother was a bit of a disaster having Munchausen syndrome by proxy. Something Richie hadn’t realized until he took a psyche course as part of his prerequisites. Everything the professor said about the disorder sounded just like Sonia. She kept Eddie on all kinds of fake medications through his life, convincing him he was sick and making him afraid of the world that could infect him. As far as Richie was aware, the only thing he actually suffered from was obsessive compulsive disorder, a result of the fears instilled in him that everything had to be clean and tidy to avoid illness.

Richie was afraid he’d fall for someone just like her. He hoped Myra wasn’t that someone.

Feeling heart broken, he made the decision that he couldn’t follow Eddie to New York. He couldn’t see them together. Sure, he could revert to his old ways, drive her away. But it was clear that Eddie liked women, liked her, and he’d chosen Myra to be with. How long could he ruin Eddie’s potential happiness for his own selfish and impossible desires? He didn’t know what he was working for anymore. The only reason he’d even chosen college was to stay with Eddie.

On an impulse, he pulled the business card from his wallet and dialed the number. He told the man on the other end that he was interested in a career in comedy and things seemed to move quickly from there. His parents were less than thrilled when they found out he’d dropped out of college, so close to graduating with his degree, to pursue comedy instead. When he told Eddie, he got an earful. How could he risk his future like that? Shouldn’t he graduate first so he had something to fall back on? What if this guy was a con artist, setting him up to fail for his own gain? After a lot of bickering that turned to yelling, the line fell silent. When Eddie spoke again, his voice was no longer angry.

“You’re still coming to New York, right?” He asked, his voice quiet, worried.

“I…no Eds. He wants me to go to LA.” Richie responded, biting at his nails out of nervous habit.

Eddie made a noise that was somewhere between a scoff and hiccup and Richie wondered if he’d started to cry.

“LA is all the way on the other side of the country!” He shouted.

Richie was very much aware of the distance. The odds that they would see each other again were becoming slimmer. Eddie was busy with work and Myra; Richie would be busy trying to launch his career and nursing his broken heart.

“I have to take my chance now. This guy really thinks I can make it big. He says LA is where I need to be. He’s even covering my traveling expenses to California and putting me up in a hotel until I find a place. That has to mean something, right?” Richie tried to sound hopeful, tried to make a sad feeling turn into optimism.

“We’ll never see each other again.” Eddie sniffled. He was definitely crying.

“Sure we will.” Richie said, his own voice cracking. He cleared his throat and deflected with a joke like he always did. “We’ll still see each other at holidays at your moms, right? I mean, I’m practically our stepdad by this point. Think of what this distance will do to our relationship. I can’t imagine there will be any MILFs like her in LA.”

Eddie sighed, though the tears seemed to have stopped. “Shut the fuck up, Richie.”

The line went silent again and Richie found the urge to cry stronger than before. He felt like he was letting go of a big piece of himself. He needed Eddie like he needed oxygen, and he felt like he would suffocate without him by his side. What else could he do? Being with him without being with him was too painful.

“I’ll reserve a front row seat to my first real show for you.” Richie promised.

“I’ve already heard all of your terrible jokes.”

“I’ve written so much new material lately, you won’t recognize a single joke. Besides, you love my jokes.” Richie smiled to himself, picturing all the open mic nights Eddie had been at to support him. “Tell me you’ll come.”

“I’ll be there.” Eddie promised.

Richie hung up the phone an hour later feeling weighed down by emotions he wasn’t ready to deal with. Instead, he packed. With his parents help, he’d managed to spend the last year in a one-bedroom apartment near campus. He couldn’t imagine going back to the dorms without Eddie as his roommate. He wasn’t taking much. Most of the furniture had been from thrift stores or trash finds and he had no real connection to any of it. Eddie thought it was disgusting that he filled his home with used furniture.

“Do you know how hard it is to get rid of bedbugs?!” he’d shouted at him when Richie told him about the recliner he’d found on the side of the road.

Everything in his life seemed to be filled with memories of Eddie and it was painful.

A week later, Richie was turning over his keys and boarding his flight to LA. Even with hectic schedules and different time zones, the two still managed to stay in contact though it was far less frequent than before. Rushed texts between sets, calls becoming impossible, most of their contact coming from Facebook likes. It was easy for them to forget how distant they’d become with busy days distracting them from the loneliness. It wasn’t until they each settled into bed at night that the separation really got to them. It was like a hollow feeling in the pit of your stomach. A missing piece.

Finally, after months of small clubs and small audiences, Richie’s manager booked him a gig at one of the bigger comedy clubs in the area. This was it. The moment he was waiting for to invite Eddie out to LA to watch him. For the first time in what felt like forever, he called his best friend with the news. Eddie congratulated him, though he was distracted. Him and Myra were on their way out the door for dinner. He could hear her bickering at him in the background about the dangers of descending stairs while on the phone.

Richie rolled his eyes but said nothing. Eddie wrote down the date, told him he’d book the flight as soon as he got home from dinner, told him he was excited to see him. Richie felt like his heart was full just from hearing the excitement in his voice. He couldn’t wait to see that adorable face looking up at him from the front row. He’d reserved two seats, though Eddie had said he wasn’t sure Myra would want to come. Richie hoped she didn’t.

When his big night came around, Richie was nervous. He’d been busy all day, sound checks, meetings with his manager to go over his final approved set. He hadn’t had the chance to contact Eddie all day though he kept his phone out, screen facing up, in case the other man contacted him. Whenever he had a second, he’d check to see if there were any new messages. Nothing.

Richie stood backstage, waiting for the guy before him to finish up. He tried to call Eddie, but it went straight to voice mail. Maybe he forgot to take it off airplane mode? Peeking out at the crowd from behind the curtain, he could see the two empty seats, dead center in front of the stage and his heart sank. Where was he?

R: Eds, I’m going on in like 15 where the hell are you?

He texted him, praying nothing had happened to his friend. He paced nervously, couldn’t even hear the guy on stage or register whether or not he was getting laughs. Minutes later, his phone chimed, and his heart practically leapt from his chest.

E: I can’t make it

Was all the text said.

R: What the fuck you couldn’t have told me this earlier?

E: My life is too busy to drop everything to fly to LA for one night

R: Drop everything? You’ve known about this for weeks! You booked your flight the night I told you about it!

E: I just don’t have time for you anymore

Richie stared at the words on his screen for what felt like an eternity but couldn’t have been more than a few minutes. He startled when his manager came up behind him, slapping a hand on his shoulder with a big grin. He had two minutes. Two minutes to pull himself together and pretend like he wasn’t dying on the inside. What did he mean he didn’t have time for him? They barely spoke anymore at all. They were supposed to be best friends! How could he say such a thing and on such an important night?

Richie heard his name being announced. He pressed his phone into his managers hand, not wanting the weight of it in his pocket while on stage. Really, he was afraid he’d get another text and would be too distracted and mess up his jokes.

With a deep breath, he plastered a smile onto his face and walked onto stage, greeting the audience who halfheartedly applauded him. They didn’t know who he was, didn’t know if he’d be any good. Richie pushed everything to the back of his mind, focusing instead on the jokes and the audience before him.

“So…let’s talk about my first love.”

Eddie lay in his hospital bed, staring up at the clean white ceiling and feeling the weight of disappointment heavy on his chest. He was supposed to be in LA, in the front row, waiting. Richie would be going on any minute and he wasn’t there.

A few days prior, he found himself far more tired than normal. He would start to doze sitting at his desk, typing up reports and have to take a walk around the office to wake up. He figured he just wasn’t sleeping well, the excitement of his impending trip to LA keeping him from resting fully. Over the next few days it only seemed to get worse and Eddie actually fell asleep during a meeting. He’d never done that before. Myra had started bringing him lunch, making sure he was eating the right foods to give him energy, but nothing seemed to be helping.

The morning he was meant to fly to California, Myra told him she was worried about his fatigue. She thought he needed to go to the hospital, get some tests done to make sure he was ok. He promised he would as soon as he returned from his trip, reminding her that she could still come with him. Disapproving, she put her foot down and told him to get in the car. She was driving him to the hospital, ensuring him he’d be out by noon to catch his flight. Eddie tried to protest again, but she began listing all of the illnesses that sudden fatigue could be a symptom of, and he was putting on his coat, full of anxiety.

Their visit started with extensive questioning, checking for symptoms that Eddie, ever the hypochondriac, was sure he had. In the end, the doctor he was seeing decided to admit him for some tests just to rule anything serious out. When he changed into his hospital gown, Myra took his belongings saying she’d keep them safe. He wanted to text Richie, let him know he was in the hospital and that he may have to get a later flight. Myra, however, insisted he rest. She promised to send the text herself after the testing began.

After hours of vials of drawn blood, questioning, x-rays, more questioning, stress tests and even more questioning, Eddie finally asked how long it would be until he was released. He just about cried when his doctor informed him that he wanted to keep him under observation for at least one more night and one more day. There was concern for someone as young as he was, who was otherwise fairly healthy, to be stricken with fatigue so suddenly.

“Myra, I need my phone.” He said, returning to his room from the latest test he’d been subjected to.

“Oh, no Eddie you need your rest. You shouldn’t be worrying yourself with work or socialization. You’ll only get yourself worked up.” She responded, placing her hand on top of her purse where his phone resided.

“I’ve already missed my flight. I need to let Richie know what’s going on. You did text him this morning, right?”

“Of course, I did. He said he hopes you feel better.”

“That was it? That’s all he said?”

“Yes.”

Eddie knit his brows together in confusion. That didn’t sound like Richie. He was more likely to make a joke about him being a hypochondriac followed by a lewd joke about sponge baths.

“He didn’t…make a joke or anything? Something dumb or gross?” He asked.

“No. I…I told him it was me texting from your phone. That must be why.”

Eddie nodded. Richie didn’t really know Myra. Not that that’s stopped him before. Then again, he was about to have his first big show. Maybe he was just too nervous to crack a joke, instead focusing on his set.

“I still need to let him know I can’t come. Tell him I…I’m sorry to miss it.” Eddie’s face was a mask of sadness and disappointment.

“After lunch. I’ve already ordered you something healthy from the cafeteria.”

“Ugh, hospital food.” Eddie grimaced, sitting on the edge of his bed.

“Well I’m sorry, Eddie. I’ve been here taking care of you. I couldn’t very well have gone home and made you a meal, could I? My back is so sore from sitting on this hard chair all day. I’m sacrificing so much to be here with you. I don’t suppose I should have just gone and gotten you fast food when they’re already concerned for your heart.” Myra raised her voice, working herself up.

“No, no.” Eddie soothed, holding his hands up. “It’s fine. I’ll eat what they bring me. I’m lucky to have you here with me.”

Myra calmed herself with a huff. “Yes, you are.” She responded.

After lunch, Eddie was whisked off for yet another stress test. He reached for his phone, wanting to be sure he texted Richie before he forgot. Myra shooed his hands away, promising to send the text herself.

An entire day gone, and Eddie was still in a hospital gown, propped up on several pillows behind his back. He hated hospitals, but at least they were clean. He looked from the ceiling to the clock on the wall. Richie would be preparing to go on. He hoped he wasn’t too nervous. He’d never admit it to his face, but he’d always thought Richie was funny. When he was on stage anyway. Eddie turned his head to Myra, who was sat in the corner with a book. It was clear he wasn’t going to get his phone from her until this was all over.

“I want to wish Richie luck. He’s about to go on.” He said, a tinge of sadness to his voice.

Myra pulled out his phone with an overexaggerated eyeroll, just as a text came through.

“Was that him?” He asked.

“No. It was a prescription refill reminder. Don’t worry, I took care of it already.”

Eddie nodded a thanks and Myra typed as he dictated. “Tell him, good luck on your first big show. I promise to be at the next one. Try not to offend anyone.”

Myra typed the words and sent the text off. A moment later his phone chimed.

“He says thank you.”

“Nothing else?”

“He…said he’s disappointed that you aren’t there.”

“Tell him I’m sorry. I really wanted to be there.” Eddie went back to staring at the ceiling. He wished he was there, in the front row, waiting to see that infectious smile take the stage. He’d always felt a sense of pride when others in the audience would laugh at his jokes. Now he was missing it.

His phone chimed again, and Myra wasted no time before reacting to the words he couldn’t see.

“Oh my, you’re really friends with someone who speaks to you like this?” She asked, pressing her hand to her chest dramatically.

“Why? What did he say? His sense of humor takes some getting used to.” Eddie felt the need to defend Richie.

“Well, I won’t repeat the vulgarity he sent, but he said you’re not a good friend for bailing on him. He’s angry that you let your imaginary illnesses keep you from going.”

Eddie sat up to fully look at Myra. Was Richie really angry with him? Yea, ok, maybe he was always worried about getting sick and took things a bit more seriously than others. But wasn’t it better to make sure it was nothing than to ignore it and have it be something? He thought Richie had accepted that part of him long ago. Sure, he’d tease him about it, but he’d never been angry about it. Eddie had a few choice words he wanted to fire back at him, but he knew Myra wouldn’t take it well.

“Say…that the doctors seem to think it’s real and I’ll talk to him when he’s done being a…jerk.” That’s not the word he wanted to use, but he stopped himself from calling him a douche in front of Myra. Had he been able to type the text himself there would have been a few mentions of ‘fuck you’ and ‘choke on a dick and die’.

She sent the text but nothing more came. He’d be on stage by now. Eddie was angry, hurt and full of guilt. Richie should have known that he wanted to be there, that he would have been there if he hadn’t been subjected to endless tests.

“You don’t need someone like that in your life.” Myra said.

“He’s my best friend. I don’t understand why he’s acting this way. I went to every single one of his open mic nights, even though he was basically repeating the same jokes every time. I still went, sat front row and cheered him on. He should know that I wouldn’t miss it if I didn’t have to.” The anger was evident in Eddie’s voice but there was something else there. An overwhelming sadness that he felt like he’d let down the one person who’d always been there for him.

“I’m just going to delete these messages, so you don’t have to see them and get yourself worked up again.” Myra said, tapping away at the screen.

Eddie didn’t say anything as he plopped back down onto the pillows. When he was out of the hospital and had his phone back, he’d text him again. Apologize but also let him know how much of a dick he was. He’d also inform him of whatever illness the doctors found to rub it in his face that he’d really been sick.

Richie sat at the bar, drink in hand, phone in front of his face. He reread the last words Eddie had sent him about a thousand times. Torturing himself. He knew they’d been growing apart for a while but to say he didn’t have time for him anymore was so…final. He knew he’d never have him as a lover, but now it seemed he wouldn’t even have a friend.

Richie realized he was in love in middle school. Eddie was his favorite person to banter with. The others would usually respond to his jokes with a simple ‘shut up’ or their preferred ‘beep, beep Richie’. Eddie was more likely to shoot back at him, speaking faster than humanly possible, calling him names and letting him know how dumb he thought he was. He’d always felt an overwhelming need to protect him from everything and everyone that could hurt him. Whether it was bullies, his mother or hypothetical sewer dwelling killer clowns. He was his shoulder to lean on, cry on.

It was in a moment of fear in the haunted house at the Halloween fair when it happened. Eddie grabbed his hand and refused to let go until they had made it to the other side. Richie found himself no longer scared by the masked strangers jumping from corners and he realized it wasn’t fear that was causing his heart to practically leap from his chest. It turns out, finding his best friend adorable wasn’t as platonic as he thought. It only grew from there. He became hyperaware of the other and how much skin ship they shared on a normal day. That summer, he carved their initials into the side of the kissing bridge. No matter how hard he tried, he’d never been able to get over him and he tried continuously over the years. Even tried dating a few girls. It was useless.

He always thought that if he told Eddie of his true feelings, it would drive him away. Now it looked like it didn’t matter. Eddie was always destined to outgrow him. Richie didn’t even realize he was crying until a tear dropped onto his phone’s screen. He set his drink aside and wiped at his face with his sleeve, pocketing his phone. He motioned for the bartender, indicating he was ready to close out his tab. Somewhere in the distance he could hear his manager celebrating the success of the night, hyping up his promising client to all who would listen. Richie didn’t feel much like celebrating anymore.

Eddie woke in his hospital bed, finally feeling rested. He stretched, his back popping where it had gotten tense from the unfamiliar bed. He looked to the chair and found that Myra wasn’t there, but her purse was. He stood from his bed and fished his phone from her purse. His battery was low from not being plugged in and the screen read it was almost noon.

Unlocking his phone, he immediately opened the text conversation with Richie. As promised, Myra had deleted the texts, the last one remaining from Richie telling him he could get his ticket at the door and they’d drink after the show. He was trying to decide if it was too soon to text him. It was three hours earlier in LA, Richie was likely sleeping off the drinks from the night before. Before he could decide, there was a knock at the door, his doctor letting himself in a second later.

“Mr. Kaspbrak, good morning.” He said, flipping a few papers on the clipboard in his hands.

Eddie moved back to the bed, sitting on the edge, tucking his phone beneath the blanket in case Myra came back.

“Good morning.” He returned the greeting.

“The results of the tests look good. You’re exceptionally healthy, which isn’t much of a surprise for someone your age.”

“So, I’m ok?” He asked, feeling a bit confused. “What about the fatigue?”

“Do you ever take medication to help you sleep?” The doctor answered his question with a question.

“Sometimes. I occasionally deal with insomnia.”

“Your bloodwork shows you had quite a bit of benzodiazepines in your system.”

“I…I don’t even know what that is.”

“It’s a kind of medication used for sleeping pills and muscle relaxers. Luckily, you aren’t showing any signs of an overdose.”

“W-what? How do you know? What if you missed it?”

“There’s a reason we ran all of those tests Mr. Kaspbrak. How often would you say you’re using these meds to help you sleep? Were they prescribed?” He asked, lifting his pen to the clipboard.

“They were prescribed by my general physician. I haven’t taken one in a long time though. I mostly used them when I first moved to the city.”

He had been writing something on the papers clipped to the board when he stopped and looked up at him, his eyebrows raised.

“How long has it been since you used this medication?”

Eddie thought back. He’d already been in New York for more than a year. The last time he could remember actually needing the pills was when Myra had stayed too late and didn’t want to go home. She kept kicking him in her sleep and tossing and turning. He thought she’d be mad if she woke up and found him on the couch, so he’d turned to the sleeping pills. He’d only taken half a dose, knowing that he had a hard time waking in the morning if he took a full dose.

“It’s been at least four months.” Eddie finally answered.

The doctor set his clipboard on the arm of the chair beside him. The look on his face only spiked Eddie’s anxiety higher. Why did he look so concerned?

“Can you confirm for me what medication you’ve had prescribed to you?” He asked.

“Ambien.” He blurted out.

“Ambien usually leaves your system in around 16 hours. There’s no way it would still be present in your system after four months.”

“I…I don’t understand.”

“Is the woman whose been staying with you your wife?” He asked, sitting in the chair and pulling it closer to the bed.

“No. My girlfriend.”

“Do you live together?”

“No.”

“Does she cook for you?”

“She brings me lunch every day at work to make sure I get a healthy meal.”

The doctor was silent for a moment, watching Eddie who was fidgeting anxiously, pulling at a loose string on the hem of his hospital gown.

“Do you have any reason to believe she would be putting the Ambien into your food?” He asked, effectively knocking the air from his lungs.

“N-no…she…she wouldn’t do that. She loves me. She takes care of me. She…” Eddie trailed off. She really hadn’t wanted him to go to LA for the weekend. She kept trying to talk him out of it, trying to trigger his anxieties about flying. He still insisted he had to go. His mother spent the entirety of his childhood convincing him he was sick, medicating him when he didn’t need it to keep him under her control. To make him need her.

Eddie stood and retrieved Myra’s purse. Sifting through the various items she kept in the large bag, he finally found an orange pill bottle at the bottom inside a zip lock bag. It was his prescription. His hands shook as he pulled the bottle from the bag and he turned back to the doctor.

“I think it’s important that you speak to one of our councilors. Maybe with your girlfriend.” His doctors voice cut through his thoughts.

“No…no I don’t need it. I…I’ll be fine. I just…can I be released today? I need to get out of here.”

“If you’re sure, I can get a nurse working on your release papers.” He stood and walked to the door, pausing to look back at Eddie. “If you change your mind, you can always come back to one of our onsite therapists.”

Eddie nodded and with that he left. He was sure the doctor was coming to tell him he was sick, not that he suspected he was being drugged by his girlfriend. Eddie stood and busied himself getting dressed and gathering his things. He felt like the breath had been knocked from his lungs and he was moving on autopilot.

His phone chimed from beneath the blanket where he’d left it. He stopped what he was doing and grabbed it, surprised to see the notification was from Richie.

R: Look, Eds, I don’t know what’s going on with you right now, but I can’t live without you. Don’t say you’re done with me.

Eddie’s head cleared a bit from the shock and was replace with confusion. Wasn’t he the one who was mad at him?

E: What the hell are you talking about?

R: I know you’re busy. It’s ok that you had to work. You can try to come next time. I’ll set a ticket aside for you for every show. Just tell me you still have time for me

E: Are you drunk?

It took a minute for Richie to reply this time. It was early, even earlier in LA, there’s no way he’d be drunk already, right? He wanted to believe it wasn’t true, but Richie only got like this when he’d been drinking. Vulnerable, honest, not hiding behind jokes.

R: Maybe. I drank a lot last night. All night. Didn’t sleep.

E: Make yourself some coffee and explain to me what you’re talking about. I’m still in the hospital.

R: Hospital? What the fuck why didn’t you tell me?

E: Myra told you yesterday. Did you seriously forget?

R: What? No, she didn’t. I didn’t talk to Myra.

E: She was texting you from my phone.

Again, silence. Eddie saw the typing bubbles pop up and disappear several times, making him anxious, before a picture was sent instead. It was a screenshot of a text conversation. Confused, Eddie sat in one of the chairs at the small table and tapped the image to enlarge it.

R: Eds, I’m going on in like 15 where the hell are you?

E: I can’t make it

R: What the fuck you couldn’t have told me this earlier?

E: My life is too busy to drop everything to fly to LA for one night

R: Drop everything? You’ve known about this for weeks! You booked your flight the night I told you about it!

E: I just don’t have time for you anymore

Eddie’s breath caught in his chest as he read over the heartless messages. The messages that made Richie believe he didn’t want him around anymore. The message sent and deleted by Myra.

E: That wasn’t me

R: I gathered that when you said Myra was texting me. Eddie, are you ok?

E: I think…she drugged me to make me think I was sick so I couldn’t go.

R: What the fuck!

E: Richie, I don’t know what to do.

Eddie’s hands shook as he waited for a response. This shouldn’t be happening. He should be in LA with Richie. He should be waking with a hangover, Richie beside him passed out fully clothes still wearing his shoes like so many times before. He had begun to think he didn’t need Richie as much as he did before, but he was wrong. He was the only one he could really trust.

R: My flight leaves in 2 hours. It was the soonest I could get. It’s about 5 and a half hours to get there. Maybe don’t go home with her.

E: You’re coming here?

R: Of course. I can’t leave you alone with that psycho bitch, can I?

E: Thanks Richie

R: Anything for you, Eddie Spaghetti

Eddie smiled at the old familiar nickname he hadn’t heard in so long. He used to hate it but now it gave him a warm, comforted feeling. He locked his phone and pocketed it. He turned back to survey the room, checking to make sure he had everything, when the door opened behind him. He turned to see Myra with a coffee in her hand and a smile on her face.

“Good, you’re awake. I looked everywhere to find you coffee that didn’t come from a vending machine.” She held the coffee out to him, but he made no move to take it, so she set it down on the table beside his bed. “What’s wrong? You look sick. Maybe you should-.”

“No. I’m not sick I…they found Ambien in my system. It’s what’s been making me so tired.” His voice was flat, not wanting to give away just yet that he knew what she did.

“I didn’t know you were taking Ambien! You have to be careful with that stuff, Eddie.”

“The funny thing is, I haven’t taken it in over four months.”

Myra was silent for a moment, her smile still plastered on her face. She didn’t know Eddie suspected her for anything. She had to tread carefully.

“Maybe you just forgot. You take so many medications, it’s easy to forget what they all are. Here, sit, drink your coffee and relax. I’m told you get to go home soon.”

“I don’t want the coffee. You can have it.”

“But I brought it for you.”

“What’s in it?” He asked, giving her a look that he hoped showed her that he knew.

“J-just almond milk.”

“Nothing else?”

She forced a laugh. “Of course not. I know you don’t take sugar in your coffee.”

“What about Ambien?” He asked, pulling the pill bottle from his jacket pocket for her to see.

Her smile fell away and was immediately replaced with a frown, the tears turning on like a faucet. In the past, Eddie had given in to her when she pulled this, but this was not the woman he thought he knew. He didn’t feel safe with her anymore.

“What are you accusing me of? You know I love you! I take care of you, don’t I? You know me, Eddie.” She sobbed, covering her face with her hands and collapsing into the chair behind her.

“Do I?” He asked, causing her to look up at him. This wasn’t his typical response and she was thrown off guard. “What did you text Richie yesterday?”

“Exactly what you told me to.”

“So, you didn’t tell him I don’t have time for him anymore?”

“Of course not!”

“He sent me a screenshot of the texts.”

“Those can be faked! He probably just made it up to break us up! He’s never liked me! He-.”

“Myra!” Eddie snapped, not wanting to hear her put him down to save her own ass.

At his shout, her façade broke and the tears were replaced with anger. This, he thought, was her actual self. Not fake tears used to manipulate him. Just an angry woman, fighting to keep her control over the man standing before her.

“He’s not good enough for you, Eddie. He’s a bad influence. You can make better friends.” She said, standing again.

Eddie’s memories flashed back to his mother saying the same things. He was so relieved to escape her when he went to college, promised he’d never let her control him again. Now here he was dating a woman who was just like her.

“He’s the most important person to me on the planet.” Eddie shot back, ignoring her claims.

“He’s going to corrupt you! Why can’t you see that?!”

“What the fuck is that even supposed to mean?” He asked, throwing his hands up in annoyance.

“That is what I mean! You never talk like that.”

“Yes, I do! I just don’t in front of you.” Eddie took a breath to steady himself. The last thing they needed was security being called because of all the shouting. “I don’t understand why you’d do this to me.” He said, though that wasn’t entirely true.

Myra was back to crying, tears sliding down her face, hands balled into fists at her sides. Eddie wondered if he should have her escorted out. Give him a chance to get away from her. Luckily, they hadn’t moved in together yet, but she did have a key to his apartment. He’d have to contact his landlord, get the locks changed.

“I only did it because I love you, Eddie.” She said, shaking.

“You don’t love me. If you loved me, you wouldn’t try to take Richie away from me. You wouldn’t have drugged me!”

“I did it to protect our love! He doesn’t like me. He didn’t want you with me, I could tell.”

“You’ve never really met him. Once over facetime.” Eddie suddenly felt exhausted again and wondered if she’d slipped him anymore Ambien without him knowing.

“You were always choosing him over me. He’s trying to steal you away from me.”

“He’s my best friend.”

“Don’t be stupid, Eddie.” The tears had stopped again, like she couldn’t remember to keep them flowing. “He’s in love with you. You think I couldn’t tell from those flirtatious jokes I always overheard when you spoke to him?”

“What are you talking about? Richie’s not…” Eddie didn’t finish his sentence. Was Richie in love with him?

“Didn’t you tell me that your girlfriends in college always broke up with you because they hated him?”

“Yea, but that doesn’t mean-.”

“You said they didn’t like him hanging around all the time. Why was he always there Eddie? Why didn’t he ever give you space to be alone with your girlfriend?”

“He was…he was just…” Eddie couldn’t find the words he needed as memories of the last twenty years flooded his mind. They were close. They’d always been close. They were comfortable with each other. Was it not normal to hold your best friend’s hand or cuddle together while watching a movie? There were a few times in college when he’d been asked what their relationship was, but he’d never thought anything of it.

He thought back to the way Richie behaved around his girlfriends. He’d sit between them on the couch, force his way in, hug him from behind during casual conversation, direct the conversation to events only the two of them would be able to speak about. Staking his claim. Showing them that he was the most important person in his life, that he would win. That’s what it was, wasn’t it? Eddie was oblivious, let it happen, enjoyed it even. What were his feelings for Richie then?

“See. You know. He’s not your friend. He’s been ruining all of your relationships on purpose. Those texts, they’re fake. He’s lying to make you leave me.”

Eddie hadn’t been looking at her as he pieced together far away memories. He now turned to look at her. She wasn’t even trying to look sorry anymore. She just looked angry, determined maybe.

“Richie Tozier is a terrible comedian. He doesn’t know how to handle emotional situations and deflects with jokes. He’s clingy and needy and unbelievably annoying. He teases me endlessly, makes jokes about fucking my mom on a daily basis, but he wouldn’t lie to me. He’s never lied to me.”

“Eddie…”

“You need to leave.”

Myra had taken a step forward, but she stopped, looked as if she’d been struck. Her bottom lip began to quiver as if she was going to cry again but that quickly fell away back to anger. She couldn’t keep up her act when she was so furious with the situation. She pointed her finger in his face, close enough to make him take a step back.

“You NEED me Eddie Kaspbrak. He can’t take care of you like I can.” She practically growled.

“He wouldn’t drug me to trick me into staying with him.” Her mouth dropped open as if she was going to say something but couldn’t find the words. “Leave.” He said again, pointing to the door.

Momentarily defeated, Myra gathered her coat and purse and stomped to the door. She turned back to look at him one last time as she ripped the door open. Then she was gone, yelling down the hall of how he’d come crawling back to her. Eddie let out a sigh of relief, feeling overwhelmed.

He’d just taken a seat, trying to calm himself, his head in his hands, when a nurse came into the room with release papers for him to sign. He took the papers from her and signed quickly, wanting to get out of there as quickly as possible. He didn’t have his car. Myra had driven him there the day before. He sat on the curb, exhausted, and called for a cab. He didn’t know where to go from here. What did he do with this new information that his best friend was actually in love with him?

By the time the cab arrived, he’d worked himself up again. He had maybe six hours or so to figure things out. He hoped he’d be able to think more clearly when he was in his own home, in the quiet. He needed time to really sit down and think about their friendship. He loved him, he didn’t doubt that. He was his best friend, of course he loved him. Just…how much?

With his last-minute ticket purchased, Richie set to work cleaning himself up. His original plan was to be gone within the hour, in the clothes he’d worn the day before, reeking of alcohol. Since he couldn’t get an early enough flight, the idea of a shower was becoming more and more appealing. After all, if he showed up like this there would definitely be complaints from Eddie. He wouldn’t touch him until he bathed, and he wanted to be able to hug him as soon as he arrived.

His shower was quick, just enough time to wash his hair and properly scrub the smell from his skin. He probably needed to take clothes, right? He didn’t honestly know how long he’d be gone. Maybe he should text his manager. Let him know he had to go out of town.

R: Have to go to New York. Family emergency. Will update.

He sent it off quickly while grabbing a duffle bag from his closet. He haphazardly threw some jeans and button up tees from his closet into the bag, barely remembering to remove the hangers. Going to his dresser he grabbed and armful of socks and underwear and dropped them in, grabbing about half his t-shirts last. The duffle bag put up a fight when he tried to zip it, but he won in the end.

Toiletries could be purchased. He didn’t have anymore time to waste with LA traffic being what it was. The last thing he needed was to miss his flight. He’d already put a hefty charge on his credit card for the last-minute airfare. Hell, he was living out of a hotel room. He was supposed to be saving for an apartment. So much for that.

The cab ride was more money he didn’t need to be spending but it didn’t even cross his mind. His priority was getting to Eddie as quickly as possible. He miraculously arrived with enough time to check his bag, make it to his gate and sit for a few minutes to catch his breath.

Pulling his phone from his jacket pocket, he ignored the three texts his manager had sent him and opened the conversation with Eddie instead.

R: My flight is boarding soon. Have to put my phone on airplane mode. You ok?

E: I’m at home now. Alone.

Richie was relieved. He really didn’t know much about Myra other than what Eddie had told him in passing. He wasn’t sure how easy it would be for Eddie to break free from her and how desperately she’d hold onto him. He still expected a bit of a fight when he got there. Almost hoped he’d get to give her a piece of his mind for what he’d done to Eddie.

As Richie was switching his phone to airplane mode, another text came through.

E: Should I pick you up from the airport?

R: My flight gets in around 8. You still going to be up, grandpa?

E: Haha hilarious. I’m an old man because I believe in going to bed early and getting a solid 8 hours. Find your own way here jackass.

R: So, you’ll be here right?

E: Duh

Richie smiled, tapped the airplane mode icon on his screen and put his phone back in his pocket. The excitement he felt as he boarded the plane and took his seat, was a feeling he hadn’t had in years. Tonight, he’d be with his best friend, the love of his life and nothing could make him happier than seeing that dorky smile directed at him when he arrived.

Eddie set down his phone, feeling anxious. He hadn’t seen Richie in a while. Almost a year. He was supposed to see him yesterday and had been excited, but he’d also been distracted with the fatigue. Now he was wide awake and too aware of the fact that soon he’d be face to face with his best friend. His friend who might be in love with him. His friend who he might have feelings for as well.

He set about tidying the apartment. Not that there was much to be done. He already kept it immaculately clean. After about an hour of scrubbing every surface until it practically shined, he realized just how hungry he was. He hadn’t eaten since he woke up. Going to his fridge, he scanned over everything and wondered if it was safe to eat. Myra spent a lot of time at his place and had access when he wasn’t home.

Grabbing his phone, he ordered something for delivery and grabbed a trash bag from the pantry. It was a waste to throw out so much food, but he didn’t trust any of it. Anything that was opened, anything that she could have resealed, it all had to go. By the time his food arrived he had two trash bags full of food. One from the fridge, one from the cabinets and pantry. In the end all he had left was canned goods, a pack of taco seasoning and a carton of eggs.

He sat at the counter and ate, staring at the clock. He’d only managed to pass two hours. There were still four hours before his flight was supposed to arrive. What was he supposed to do until then? He’d taken time off work to go to LA, so he didn’t have work to distract him. He’d intentionally left everything at the office, not wanting the temptation to take it on the plane with him. Now all he had to distract him was flipping through channels, settling on a cheesy buddy cop movie. Four hours. He could survive that much longer, right?

Richie turned his phone back on as soon as they landed. He sent a short text, letting Eddie know he was there. He felt impatient as he filed off the airplane and made his way through the airport to the baggage claim. His bag, nearly busting at the seams, was one of the last to come through. He grabbed it and made his way out to the street where a long line of cars sat, there to pickup passengers. Richie’s stomach did a little flip when he looked down the line and saw Eddie, standing on the sidewalk beside his car.

Almost a year had gone by since he’d last seen that face in person. His legs were moving before he could even think about it. All he knew was he needed that man in his arms immediately. As he grew close, he dropped his bag on the ground, Eddie meeting him halfway in a tight embrace. Whenever they hugged, Richie had this habit of cradling the back of his head with one hand. It always felt a bit protective to Eddie. He didn’t mind it. It was comforting after all he’d been through the last two days.

Pulling back, Richie cupped Eddie’s face between his hands, turning his head from side to side to assess his features.

“Yea, I don’t know Eds. You don’t look like someone who’s been drugged for a week. You sure you weren’t faking?” He asked.

Eddie slapped his hands away, looking less than amused. “Shut the fuck up, asshole. Grab your bag and get in the fucking car.”

Richie grinned as he grabbed his bag off the pavement, watching Eddie walk around to the driver’s side door. Richie climbed in the passenger’s side and tossed his bag in the backseat. Now that they were alone in a small space, things felt slightly awkward. It wasn’t supposed to be like this for them. They were best friends since such a young age, no one knew the other better. Now it felt like strangers sharing a ride, waiting for it to be over.

“How was your show?” Eddie asked, breaking the tense silence.

“It was good. Despite what you seem to think, people do find me funny. Got a few numbers after the show too.”

“Don’t tell me you have groupies already.”

“What can I say, Eds. I crack a few jokes and the ladies come running.”

“That’s not the way I remember it in high school and college.” Eddie said with an eye roll. “Are you going to call any of them?”

Richie wanted to say that he threw away the slips of paper and napkins when he got home. Didn’t even bother putting them in his phone. But he was here for Eddie, not to weigh him down with more problems. The last thing he needed was to know his best friend had been secretly in love with him for fourteen years. Not yet.

“Probably. Maybe they’ll post about me on twitter. Talk about the amazing and handsome comedian they got to screw, make me even more popular.” He joked, his smile looking halfhearted.

They chatted about his show, Richie reciting a few of his jokes to make Eddie laugh. He did laugh at most, but some he lightheartedly heckled Richie for. They were finally starting to feel comfortable, normal. Just the way they’d always been.

When they arrived at the apartment, Eddie went immediately to his room to retrieve something. Richie dropped his bag in the living room by the couch and walked around to take in the décor. It had changed quite a bit in a year. There was some art on the walls, a vase full of dying flowers on the small table in the kitchen. There were magnets on the fridge shaped like balloons, organized in the order of a rainbow. Richie knocked one slightly sideways with his finger, wondering how long it would be before Eddie noticed.

Eddie followed him into the kitchen a moment later, a gift bag in his hands. Richie turned to him, his heart skipping a beat as it hit him again that he was here. With Eddie.

“This place is ridiculously clean. Were you planning to perform surgery on your kitchen table tonight?” Richie asked, grinning.

“I like to think that emergency surgery could be performed on my kitchen table, thank you.” Eddie snapped back, holding out the bag. “This is for you.”

“You…got me a present?” Richie asked, taking the bag and setting it on the small island in the center of the room.

“I was going to give it to you in LA.” Eddie shrugged, suddenly embarrassed.

Richie reached into the bag, his hand touching something cold, glass and heavy. He gently scooped it up from the bottom and lifted it out of the bag, tissue paper falling to the floor. What he held in his hand was a snow globe. Inside was a picture of them from the summer they were thirteen. They had their arms around each other, big smiles on their faces. Bev had taken that picture. Above the picture was a dotted line that curled into a heart in the middle and connected LA and New York. Below is said “Don’t Forget Me”.

He wouldn’t admit it, but Richie was really touched by the gift. He’d thought that Eddie didn’t care about him as much as he used to since he had a girlfriend and seemed happy before all of this. This proved that he had thought about him, missed him.

“Wow, Eds.” He said, shaking the snow globe and watching the colorful glitter fall down around their smiling faces. “A snow globe. Really?” He chuckled.

Eddie shrugged. “It was that or a coffee mug and I thought that was…”

“Too couple-like?” Richie asked.

Eddie shrugged again. He felt uncomfortable. When he’d passed by the shop that made customized gifts, he’d thought it was a good idea. After consulting the woman behind the counter, they agreed that a snow globe was probably best. He’d gone to Bev’s Facebook to find the old photo and emailed it to the store. When he’d picked it up and actually saw it in person, he’d thought that maybe it was a bad idea. Now, he realized, Richie really did like it. He could bullshit all he wanted, but Eddie could read him like a book.

“Thanks.” Richie said, placing it back in the bag. “I hope it survives the plane ride back to LA.”

Eddie knew that eventually Richie would return to LA. He’d only come to New York to make sure he was ok. Once he was sure Myra wouldn’t come around, he’d leave again. Still, he hadn’t been thinking about that until Richie said it.

“I have bubble wrap.” Eddie said, his voice quiet.

“Of course you do.” Richie grinned, wondering how many times Eddie had rolled his eyes since they met at the airport. “Well, I’m starving. Maybe we should eat before we start Myra proofing your place.”

Eddie sighed. Richie had said during the car ride that he thought Eddie should set up some security measures in case Myra came back. He still wasn’t sure if he was serious.

“Unless you want to eat eggs and tomato soup with taco seasoning, we have to order something.” Eddie said, going to the fridge and opening it to show its emptiness.

“Jeez Eddie. Don’t you ever eat?”

“I had to throw most of it out. I didn’t know if she had tampered with any of it. Better safe than…” Eddie trailed off.

Richie took a seat on one of the stools beside the island, leaning against the countertop. He watched as Eddie closed the fridge, looking like he needed a drink. Richie could definitely provide the drink, but before that…

“Are you ok?” He asked, letting the concern for the other man take over.

Eddie looked at him, moving to lean against the other side of the island with his hip. He crossed his arms and turned his gaze to the ground.

“I just can’t believe I ended up with someone just like…just like…”

“Your mom?”

Eddie nodded. “She could have killed me, Rich. If she’d given me too much, I could have died.”

“But you didn’t.”

“What if I hadn’t realized she was drugging me? I would still be with her. Who knows what else she would have done. It’s like I can’t trust anyone.”

“Except…”

“Except you.” Eddie rolled his eyes again. “But you’re in LA. You can’t protect me anymore.”

Richie looked down at his hands. At the time, moving to LA had seemed like such a good idea. Now he regretted it. He wanted to be here, with Eddie, but he couldn’t just walk away from everything now. He’d dropped out of college for this. He was doing well. His manager really thought he could turn this into a successful career.

“You could come to LA.” Richie suggested, though that felt selfish.

“I can’t. Earthquakes.”

Richie nodded and chuckled. “Right.”

“I would like to visit each other more often. I mean, this is the first time in a year that we’ve seen each other. You could come here when you’re free, I can go to see some of your shows when I can get the time. We don’t have to be so far apart.”

Richie agreed, but it wasn’t enough. He didn’t want to see him a few times a year. He wanted him year-round. Just like before. Richie pushed that thought down and reminded Eddie that he needed food. They agreed on pizza and settled onto the couch to find a movie to watch while they ate. Eddie didn’t usually eat in the living room and made it clear that he would kill Richie if he spilled anything.

They ate together, didn’t really watch the movie, deciding talking to each other was more appealing. They still had so much to catch up on. After they’d eaten, Richie suggested going to get a drink. Eddie went to the hall closet and pulled a bottle of whiskey from a bag marked ‘laundry’. Richie raised his eyebrows at him as he walked back over with it.

“Had to hide it from Myra.” Eddie answered his unasked question.

And so, they drank, and talked and laughed. Richie took a picture of the two of them and sent it to Bev who’d been texting to congratulate him on his show. They reminisced about childhood with their friends, wishing the five of them were there with them. Bev had responded with a picture of her and Ben. Everyone knew they’d end up together when they were young. He was so in love with her it was almost gross. They joked about how smitten he’d been. They talked about college, stories from when they were roommates.

“Do you think you’ll ever go back? Finish what you started?” Eddie asked, tilting her head against the back of the couch.

“I don’t know.” Richie poured more whiskey over his ice before sitting back against the pillows. “Maybe if I fail at this I will.”

“I still don’t understand why you didn’t just finish first. Couldn’t it have waited just a few more months?”

“Yea. It could have. My manager even asked if I wanted to graduate before I left.”

“Then why didn’t you?”

Richie shrugged. “I was lonely. I didn’t want to be there anymore. The only reason to finish was so I could find a job out here.”

“You can be a comedian in New York.”

Richie swirled his drink around, watching the ice clink against the sides of the glass. He’d thought of that before going to LA. He just wasn’t sure he wanted to admit why he’d chosen LA. Didn’t want to tell Eddie that he’d been given the option to choose New York.

“What about you? You really enjoy looking for risks in everything?” Richie asked, cracking a smile. “What do you guys talk about at office parties? Do you just sit around a table discussing all the risks involved with office parties?”

“Richie.”

He put on an exaggerated voice before speaking again. “Just think, if we had alcohol here everyone would get drunk and Larry would end up fucking his secretary on the copy machine.”

“Richie.”

“Those party hats really are dangerous. You could put an eye out with those sharp points. Can’t have that.”

“Beep, beep Richie.” Eddie said, his friend finally falling silent, still looking down at his drink.

Richie sighed and drained his drink in one go. “I didn’t…want to come to New York.” He admitted.

“Why not?”

“Because you were here.”

Eddie didn’t know what to say to that, but that was fine because Richie wasn’t done.

“You built your own life here. Met a girl. You sounded happy. I didn’t want to ruin it. You didn’t need me anymore.” He said, setting his glass on the table.

“Clearly I did.”

“If I had known she was going to be like your mom, I would have driven her away.”

“Like the girls in college?”

Richie opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. That was a first. He couldn’t look at Eddie, but Eddie was looking at him. Watching his face as a series of emotions passed over his features. Eddie waited, he wanted him to say something. Deny it or admit to it. He had to choose one.

“They were no good for you. I had to protect you.” Richie finally said, reaching again for the bottle of whiskey to fill his glass.

“From what?”

“Being taken advantage of.”

Eddie scoffed. “I wouldn’t have been-.”

“Myra?”

“That’s different. They weren’t all like that.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Yea because I never got the chance to know them. Because someone scared them away before I could.”

“And the one time I couldn’t, look what happened.”

Eddie didn’t want to fight. Didn’t want to get angry. The last few days had been absolute shit. They were finally back together, and Eddie wouldn’t argue with him. He didn’t know how long he had him here and he wanted to enjoy every second. Not spend it like this.

“I don’t want to argue with you, Richie. That’s not why I brought it up.” Eddie said, snatching the bottle from Richie to fill his own glass.

“Then why did you?” Richie lifted his glasses and rubbed his eyes. He suddenly felt exhausted, like he needed to sleep for the next twenty-four hours.

“Because I…I wanted to know…” Richie turned his head slightly to look at him from his peripheral as he took a deep breath. “Richie, do you love me?” He asked, shocking himself. That’s not how he’d meant to ask but now there it was. Out on the table.

“You’re my best friend, Eds.” Richie responded quickly, like he’d had that ready in his back pocket all these years in case he asked.

“I know, but do you love me as more than just a best friend?”

Richie licked his lips, his face a mask of panic. “You…you mean like a stepson?” He asked, trying desperately to end the conversation with a joke.

It was very forced, but Richie was desperate. He chanted in his head for Eddie to just punch him in the arm and call him an asshole. Treat everything as a joke. Move past it. He wasn’t ready for this. Ready for their friendship to change. If Eddie knew how he felt, everything would change. Their closeness would change. He didn’t want that.

Eddie didn’t know what to say. His instinct was to tell him off for ruining the mood with a joke, but he didn’t want things to end that way yet again. Every time they tried to have a serious conversation this happened when Richie began to feel uncomfortable. Eddie wouldn’t give in this time. Wouldn’t let him end this conversation before he got the answers he needed.

He’d spent the entire day waiting for him just remembering how he made him feel. He’d never considered Richie as an option because he was sure he wasn’t an option for Richie. He’d always known that Richie was attractive. He’d admired his looks more than once over the years. He relished in the way the other would touch him. The closeness that they didn’t have with the rest of the group. It made him feel special. Made him feel…loved. When he’d started dating Myra, that’s the feeling he was chasing. The feeling of being with Richie.

Several minutes had passed since either had spoken and Richie was beginning to worry, he’d really pissed Eddie off. When he turned to look at him, his face was scrunched up in anger, which he’d expected, but he hadn’t expected the tears in his eyes.

“Eddie…” Richie began, but stopped when Eddie put his hand up.

“I needed you. All my life I have needed you. Only you. I wanted you to come to New York so we could be together.” He sniffled and wiped at a tear that slid down his cheek. “Myra wanted to move in. I told her I wasn’t ready, but I was really just holding out hope that you’d change your mind. I was saving that spot for you. I didn’t know what would happen with her when you arrived because you were the one I wanted to spend my free time with. Not her.”

“Eddie, I-.”

“No. I’ve listened to you talk and I’m done. I don’t want to see you just a few times a year. I don’t want to only see you over facetime. I want you here. Damnit Richie, I love you and I want you here with me.”

Richie inhaled sharply, caught off guard by the sudden confession. He had never known what Eddie was thinking about him. He didn’t think Eddie had even known what he was thinking about him until now. Years of denial, years of hiding his true feelings, years of saying it was just because they were best friends. All of it seemed to melt away as Richie stared at the crying face of the man he loved and finally gave into the urge he’d had since he was thirteen.

Grabbing Eddie’s face between his hands, he pulled him closer and pressed their lips together. Maybe it was the adrenaline, maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was the 20 years of repressed feelings. Whatever it was fueling their first kiss, it was all coming out at once.

Eddie’s fingers gripped the front of Richie’s stupid graphic tee, wrinkling the fabric as he tried to pull him closer. Once in high school, Eddie had wondered what it would be like to kiss Richie. His lips always looked so soft and kissing him would be an effective way to shut him up. He’d immediately shook that thought away at the time, but had he known just how addicting kissing him was, he would have done so right then in the club house.

By the time their heads cleared enough to realize what was happening, and they had the afterthought to take a break to catch their breath, Eddie had found himself on Richie’s lap. Part of his brain told him to be embarrassed, but this was Richie. This wasn’t the first time they’d ended up in “compromising” positions, just the first time it involved kissing.

“How long have you waited to do that?” Eddie asked, his chest heaving as he fought to catch his breath.

“Too long.” Richie responded, resting his forehead against Eddie’s shoulder. “I love you.”

Eddie already knew, but the shock of hearing the words come from Richie’s mouth was enough to make him want to cry again. He bit his bottom lip and wrapped his arms around Richie’s back, lowering his own head to Richie’s shoulder. Richie’s arms held him tight, like he was afraid he’d disappear if he let go.

They both knew that they still had to talk. Richie was supposed to go back to LA, Eddie had to stay here. Those weren’t the best circumstances to build a relationship upon. For now, they chose to ignore those nagging thoughts. They ignored it when Richie could no longer keep his lips to himself. They ignored it when he scooped Eddie up in his arms and carried him back to the bedroom. They ignored it as they held each other, kissing and touching and whispering words of love until they fell asleep.

The next day, they would continue to avoid the subject, even as Eddie searched online for a job in his field in LA. Even when Richie finally responded to his manager, asking if he could move to New York and continue building his career there. It had taken 20 years, a lot of denial and a trip to the hospital for them to find their way to each other. They weren’t about to let it go now.

#It #it (2017)#it (2019)#reddie #eddie kaspbrak #richie tozier #Ro writes

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