theleafunderneath

[theleafunderneath]

for the past month and a half ive been convinced that i dont like you. we’ve been friends for 3 years and yet i still love being friends with you. i dont think i could ever get sick of you. ive had a crush on you for what, nearing 2 years already? but ever since the break up, i’ve forced myself to get over you.

you told me things like “you were a really great girlfriend” and that you did have a growing affection towards me. you said this 6 months after our breakup. about last weeks thursday during our vulnerable and honest conversation. you tell me you’re just not ready for a girlfriend, you felt as though you were lagging behind me. but that i was never a problem. you recognized all your mistakes.

then we go to a track meet together. and i meet this girl whos been hitting on you. and me and my idiot self who believes i dont like you anymore, she tells me shes interested in you and all of a sudden im setting you two up.

i call for your name, and let her ask for your number. and on the way home, my heart sinks. and im crying. and i dont understand why i still feel this way. its true, i’ve stopped liking you. but i’ve never stopped loving you.

you are one of my best friends, and i dont want to ruin that because having you in my life as a friend is better than not.

i want you to be happy. but this is unbearable. your little girl youre talking to seems great. she really likes you. she thinks youre cute. she cant stop texting me about how amazing you are and sending me screenshots every day of what you two are texting about.

and im not mad at her. im just mad at myself. i should be happy for you two. why is it that i can’t stop loving you?

i see your messages and you text her with excitement. you text her with a smile. and i can tell.

you never did that for me. and sure, you owned up to all your mistakes and apologized. but

it hurts to know that because i was your first mistake, that now that this girl has the version of you that i always wanted. i was the guinea pig.

#one sided crush #he will never like me back #frustration

[theleafunderneath]

i never understood what it meant to be in love. i never understood how people in movies could do so much and be so stupid for somebody. Why would someone sacrifice so much for one person? How unrealistic.

until i realized that i wanted to do all that for you. i finally understood why people do stupid things for people. i finally understood unconditional love. i finally understood what it meant to be in love.

i did so much because to me, you were worth the trouble. you were worth the sacrifice. i loved you. i did everything for you. i saw the value in everything about you.

but you simply didnt see me as somebody worth fighting for.

#i fell in love again #i fell in love with hope

[theleafunderneath]

there are countless times where we’d hang out and i listen to you talk and i’d melt into your eyes. you could talk about anything at all from dragoncity, to your family, or even a hypothetical about the world ending, and still i’d be happy to listen.

every time we went places together or walked amywhere, i was happy.

i wanted time to stop every time i looked into your eyes and remembered how much i loved you.

even now, when we laugh and talk as friends i still catch myself making googly eyes when i make eye contact with you.

because everytime i enjoy your presence and i melt while i gaze into your eyes, i’m reminded of how much i love you.

and i’m sorry that i love you. i wish i didnt.

#reminiscing #i miss him #i miss you #i fell in love again

[theleafunderneath]

i still think about that day. october 5th, 2023. i remember it well because it was my all time favorite characters birthday. that day, to surprise me, instead of walking to the starbucks to study after school like we always did together, we stopped by a park. “could i lay my head on your shoulder just once?” i requested the day before. and you pulled through.

we stop by a park with a small pond with ducks and take a seat. i remember taking pictures of the ducks and setting my backpack and bag down to admire the view. then you look at me and gesture over for me to lay down next to you. how forward. i never pictured you to be like this, but i’m not complaining. i know youre not one to pull something like that on me, but this was new.

shocked, i pause. you responded “you said you wanted to lay your head on my shoulder. when you tell me what it is that you want, i’ll go all the way with it.” i remember you telling me that. and i know you’re not a physical person, so i was touched.

holding hands and my head between his arm and chest. we were cuddling. at a pond, watching ducks, on my favorite character’s birthday.

i remember thinking i needed to savor the moment. i knew it wouldn’t last forever. but my heart wanted time to stop. i wanted to admire your face for as long as possible. i wanted to feel your warmth and hear your voice. to know you were there. to feel your heartbeat.

we talked for hours, just about anything and everything. laughed at the ducks and other silly animals that visited us.

i felt my heart race and my face turn red every time i realized what was happening. “i never thought that i’d ever be in this position.” i tell you. “me neither.” you tell me.

little did i know that that would be the last time i’d ever get to hold your hand. the last time i’d get to feel your warmth. hear your voice as pleasantly as i once did. to know you were there. to feel your heartbeat.

these days i hear your laughter, and it still makes me smile. you still make me laugh, you still make me happy.

but now it will always be a bittersweet memory to think of october 5th. my favorite character’s birthday, and the last time i felt your warmth.

#growing pains #hurt #memories #reminiscing #jumin han’s birthday lol #i miss him #i miss you #i love you

[theleafunderneath]

just one good home felt hug. i just need a hug that feels like home and i can melt into their arms.

#physical touch #hug #hugs #lonely #loneliness

[theleafunderneath]

do you see love in her? is she patient? is she kind? does she get jealous? is she prideful? is she easily angered? is she honest? is she of good character? does she hope? does she endure?

#love #jealousy #unrequited love

[theleafunderneath]

going mental rn. so glad we’re best friends again but i freak out because i can feel myself falling for him again and again and i have to remind myself he broke up with me for a reason.

not to mention one of my classmates who happens to really admire me + i can sense wants to be friends with me seems to have gained an interest in him ☺️ im ok guys

im ok! i am not jealous. i definitely do not like him! as a matter of fact this is all incredibly laughable. like this is ridiculous that im hurting at the idea of the man whos my best friend/favorite ex would ever be interested in somebody else.

he definitely sees that shes interested in him. and that bothers me. i hate myself.

i dont want to dislike these people or be jealous.

#help #one sided crush #unrequited love #pain #jealousy #jealous #the other woman

[theleafunderneath]

I think the hot new trends for this summer should be reading comprehension and critical thinking skills

[theleafunderneath]

close to relapsing. really want to.

[theleafunderneath]

What pisses me off even more is how hard I tried not to initiate anything romantic. I didn’t want to chase, I wanted to love him organically. So when I was forced to confess to him, we agreed on going out together. Then he breaks up with me. I still love him.

So much for waiting.

#one sided love #one sided crush #one sided feelings #one sided attraction #one sided relationships #frustrated #vent post #vent #anger #regret

[theleafunderneath]

our fates are entwined whether you like it or not you stupid bastard

[theleafunderneath]

Yk. It sucks to love somebody and love so unconditionally you’d do everything for them.

I loved just being with him. Before I knew it I fell for him. Best friends for two years and I finally realized that I loved him. We laughed, talked about anything and everything, made our inside jokes, gave telepathic eye glances when something worth mentioning happened, shared deep thoughts that we wouldn’t share with anybody else. Talked about love, people, our lives, our families, our faiths. Then I realized I needed to be somebody worth falling for.

Becoming a better person, taking accountability, learning how to listen, learning everything about how to maintain a healthy life to keep everything in balance, to keep him.

hell yeah! We’re dating!

Then comes conflict, and by his naivety he breaks it off and our entire friendship and relationship crumbles. I couldn’t just be friends with him after I gave him my heart and he left it. I know I was his first mistake but it still hurt. I have some self respect at least.

Then I heal. And it takes months. I write poetry, I cry, I listen to music to take my mind off of it but everything reminds me of him. Everything. it doesn’t matter what I’m doing, I’d see him and us and all our inside jokes. My friends are tired of hearing his name, so I keep quiet about everything that reminds me of him. “Oh! We did that together once.” rings in my head. “He loves apples, maybe I should get him one.” “He would love this stupid tee.” “His favorite color is yellow so maybe I can make him a yellow keychain and give it to him once his birthday comes around.” Even though his birthday is in May and it was February.

Then, one day it goes away. We still talk, we’re still friends. But it’s different this time around. We can still laugh and joke, I see him nearly every day but I find myself wanting to see him less and less. I hardly notice when he comes into the room, I don’t recognize his voice first when I hear the choir sing, and I don’t go out of my way to sneak a glance anymore. Now I feel confident I don’t love him anymore.

If he ever came back I can’t see us working long term anymore, I don’t see him with my rose-colored glasses, and I don’t think we’d click. Why did I ever like him in the first place? Why did I hold on for so long? Why on Earth did I cry over him? He wasn’t worth the trouble.

and then we laugh. And I look into his eyes when he smiles. Everything is like it was back before we even dated. Inside jokes, telepathic eye glances when we hear something worth mentioning, we talk. I’m glad we’re friends. I’m happy he’s still in my life and he still makes me happy. He makes me laugh, I can talk to him about anything. Our values are perfectly aligned, our humor, our music taste, our chemistry and connection. I wonder if he thinks the same.

Then I remember exactly why I fell for him in the first place a year and a half ago. Fuck.

I fell in love with him again.

#love #one sided crush #one sided love #sad #i love him #i miss him #healing #growth #i fell in love with hope #I fell in love again #not again

[theleafunderneath]

whats that? theres cherry tomatoes on your salad and you don’t like tomato?

oh dont worry about it, i’ll eat them for you. its not a problem in any way so,

of course ill eat them. but what i never told you is that i dont actually like the taste of tomatoes. i never have.

but if it were for you, id eat as many tomatoes that i needed to, if it were on your behalf.

because the idea that i would be someone you could rely on was appealing to me. that what you couldn’t do, i could.

that id be someone to fill the parts of you that were not. that i would help us be whole, like a good girlfriend should.

like, when i ate apples i would always pack one for you in my lunch.

since i knew theyre your favorite, and i could do at least that much.

i knew your favorite fruits limit to apples and oranges but not to confuse.

how you love to eat apples but hate drinking apple juice.

because i noticed. i noticed and noted how you like the colors like mustard yellow and a greyish tinted blue

you also like passionate high bpm music, and id listen to it all just for you

or how ive counted the hundreds of freckles that lay on your face

or how your house and where you are in the present is your favorite place

i always noticed the subtleties in the way you cared for me

like the times when it was cold in the car so you turned down the AC

i appreciated all that you did for me, even when i was just being dumb

even more so when you walked on the roadside of the sidewalk, as a rule of thumb

though i dont know if you ever noticed how your voice was my favorite song.

or how my feet would blister after we would walk together for so long.

but the hurt never mattered to me because what made me happy was to see you.

i wish that you had noticed that and thought it through

before you let me let myself fall in love with you

my head can forgive but my heart wont let me forget

since your laughter is full of melodies that get stuck in my head

but today if you had your tomatoes in your salad in lunch and said,

hey, want my tomatoes?

id still probably say yes. even though my taste buds would say no.

#poems on tumblr #poems and poetry #my poem #poems and quotes #original poem #love poem #sad poem #poets on tumblr #poem #poetry

[theleafunderneath]

yes, embarassingly ive written songs and poetry all about you but there just no way id show it to you, at least not yet,

because if you decide to come back some day dont worry because ive written it all down as not to forget

ive written lines and lines in letters about you that came directly from my heart

especially all of the feelings i once had for you that developed right from the start

and the day that you left me i know was a hard decision for you to make

but me and my fragile heart could only ask “why? why did i have to be your first mistake?”

even these days i still look at things in stores and think, “haha yknow he would love this stupid t-shirt.”

because for some reason i still want to make you laugh even if im reminded of how much it used to hurt.

but enough about me, because maybe someday you’ll meet a girl who makes you laugh—youll like her, itll be real!

you’ll be so happy with her, that your heart will burst and youll finally understand how it is that I* feel.

she’d be a God-centered woman, bearing the fruit of the spirit because that would be who she was!

and youd love for her actions that reflected Christ and not just because.

you were worried to fall behind, you’ll think of her when you close your eyes, your feelings would be true.

then when the day comes that at some point you’d let yourself love somebody as deeply as i had let myself love you.

i still just want the best for you, and whatever, for the both of us, what God might have in store.

that through the experiences we'll face we’ll have peace, love, happiness and more.

but who knows what will happen, maybe will win some or maybe we’ll lose.

but as for now, i’ll learn how to let go of a love i had hoped so much for, so

thank you ian, for laughter, the memories, and for being my favorite muse.

#growth #healing #love #poems and poetry #my poem #original poem #love poem #sad poem #poems on tumblr #poem #poetry

[theleafunderneath]

strangers to lovers isnt my favorite dynamic but i love when its lovers from friends

strangers to strangers again it feels like between us even though it just depends

on how we make things awkward like me staying away from you, keeping my own distance

but its more like strangers to friends from closed proximity like anyone would expect

but i looked at you and suddenly realized everything about you and i just made sense

i liked you, i noticed you, i kept you in my heart, and then everything changed, i felt different

then from strangers to friends to lovers and thats when my feelings became imminent

i showered you with everything from gifts, acts of service, and heartfelt compliments

but i fear now that i was too much for you to handle as the breakup now reflects.

i grieved, i felt, i cried and stopped. thinking of you as i once had lament

but thats not who i am anymore as i focus on my garden that i now tend

a sad story of people from strangers to friends to lovers to strangers to friends

what a strange timeline that i can only accept now as a plan of what God intends.

the absence of you in my heart pains me since it all ended fast, in an instant

it hurt knowing i couldnt love you anymore as thats just how it had to end.

#poems and poetry #my poem #original poem #love poem #sad poem #poems on tumblr #poems and quotes #poem #poetry

[theleafunderneath]

confessionalll i still have a crush on my exe who doesnt like me ! he keeps making me laugh. i hate it. i still like him and i hate it so much. its so frustrating how much i still like him and its so much worse when im reminded of how little im taking care of myself these days.

im not taking care of my teeth, my laundry, my bed, my whole rooms a mess, im overeating again, i let my group project partner do ALL the work and i slept in so much today that i didnt get to pitch in a single thing for this project today and honestly EVER.

im so mindless and empty every day and i need to break this cycle or else.

#mentally tired #im so tired #i'm tired #tired #depression symptoms #numb #numbed #burnout #burnt out #burned out

[theleafunderneath]

hi *** :)

i dont know if ill ever give this to you

i know i already wrote you a letter about me making things right and apologizing.

but theres still just so much unsaid about me.

all of which i knew would be weird to tell you as my exe.

and all of which is pretty strange to tell you considering we broke up like early november 2023. so, unless we’re never seeing each other again or i just thought itd be funny to give this to you for some reason, you may or may not recieve this at some point. I’m thinking either graduation or a sign sent by God to give this to you lol. I probably will have well gotten over you once this letter comes through. but. for the time being,

the feelings and hope that i once had for you still linger

and i dont know if its because im just really stubborn, or if its because i really saw something with you.

maybe its all because i really. really. did want to be confident i could love you.

“because” i thought. “because how often do you meet someone who makes you feel amazing, comfortable, and happy?”

someone whose God-fearing, and a gentleman, who you know has a kind and genuine soul, a straightforward and hardworking personality. a man who you see God in. someone who makes you laugh so hard and smile so much that the moments of gut-aching laughter is all you can think about as the day passes. i saw, and i still do, see the value of who you are as a person and i applaud that about you. your faith is what i admire most.

sometimes i miss you. or rather its that i miss the idea of what we couldve been.

i know i shouldnt think this.

i know its weird since we dated so briefly. so, sorry if thats creepy.

i really liked you for quite a while and i hadnt even noticed how much i had liked you.

i hate that i still miss you

i hate that i still have hope.

especially when i know you dont feel the same

and you probably never will

i dont understand my heart.

and its really hard to.

because sometimes i still have hope

sometimes i still wish you’d want me back

i wish you could see my value

the same way i see yours.

yknow. it hurts

it hurts to imagine you with someone else. knowing that couldve been me, and i know i wouldve tried my darndest to make us the best us we could possibly ever be.

it hurts to know you gave it all up. everything i am and all i was willing to do, everything we could have been. I know i’m imperfect. i make mistakes and i have flaws, but that doesn’t mean i wont work on myself.

i still want to fight for you.

but i just have a feeling you dont want that as bad as i do. i think maybe you really just dont see the value in it like i do.

maybe you simply dont understand. whether thats an experience thing or a lack of knowing what you want, or perhaps you just dont see things the way i do. and maybe you wont, i dont know.

yknow im sorry if thats weird to still think about. i shouldnt have fallen so hard in the first place lol.

i should always consult God first ofc. seek His will above all !

which can just be pretty frustrating. i know that if God willed this, we wouldnt have broken up now would we? 😀

i have enough self respect to walk away when the imbalance between us is obvious.

you “liked” me, but i wanted a long term relationship and if in God’s plan, a future with you. but again, wasn’t in Gods will, so its not in mine either. at least not anymore.

but who knows, maybe one day you’ll meet a girl who makes you laugh and smile and you’ll know that you like her. I hope you find a God-centered woman who bears the fruit of the spirit and she will be someone that you know has the qualities in a wife you’re looking for. A woman of God who displays the character of Christ. An example of the woman in proverbs 31. She’ll remind you of 1 corinthians 13:4-13 then maybe at some point you’ll love somebody as deeply as i had once let myself love you.

and you will be happy. or maybe you’ll finally understand how i feel. but i doubt any girl would pass up a tall handsome white boy who likes her.

but i wish you love, happiness, growth, peace, and there is no doubt in my mind that God has a bright future prepared for you.

yknow. im just glad we’re still friends.

you still make me really happy.

i just need to learn how to let go of a love i hoped so much for.

thanks ***.

i’m always praying for you. <3

#growth #healing #love #one sided love #love letter: my true feelings #letting go #love letter #letter #self care