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sissytobitch10seconds · 2 months

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Birdsong: Hard Sell

Fandom: Grishaverse: Shadow and Bone, Six of Crows, and The Grisha Trilogy Summary: Every other time in her life, when she got everything she thought she wanted, the rug had been pulled out from beneath her feet. What was stopping this from being any different? Warnings: Depression, self-destructive behaviors, mentions of grooming, fatphobia, body dysmorphia, and anxiety Word Count: 11,988 Ship(s): Nina Zenik/Matthias Helvar/Kaz Brekker/Inej Ghafa/Jesper Fahey/Wylan Van Eck

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A/N: We've reached the last fic in this series! I may return to it one day but I don't have any plans to do so. I really like the way that it turned out here with the focus on Nina from each of the partners and then herself. I hope that you guys have enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it, it means a lot to me as the first SaB fic that I wrote. Thank you all so much for reading! Stay sissy and bitchy everyone <3

Birdsong:

Hard Sell

A Grishaverse Fanfiction

A Nina Zenik/Matthias Helvar/Kaz Brekker/Wylan Van Eck/Jesper Fahey/Inej Ghafa Fanfiction

By Sissytobitch10seconds

Tour was both everything that she had ever hoped it was and the hardest thing that she had ever done.

Nina had dreamed about being a big enough artist to go out and do tours since she had decided that she wanted to be a performer. When the manager of Shadow and Bone brought it up, agreeing to do it was a no-brainer for her. Alina was the only one that had gone on tour before, with Nikolai doing a mini set back when he was performing as Sturmhond, and she had been a bit more wary of the whole thing. It had been a decision that they had decided coincided perfectly with the official release of their first album, so they took it. They were doing a single show in every city that they went to with a couple of days resting in some of the bigger places. Nina knew that the open days were going to get filled with shows as time went on and there was proof for the demand of them, she was well aware of how that worked.

Shadow and Bone was growing vastly in popularity the longer that they continued to produce music. Even in just the year that she had been together with her partners, which was six months after the band had reformed, they had already exploded in the number of streams that their songs had on Spotify. They were finally in a place where they were getting enough money from the Shadow and Bone merch and album purchases that they could support themselves. Alina was the one that needed that the most, since Kirigan had taken most of the money that she had made under the stage name The Sun Summoner. Zoya came after her when it came to being supported by the band, since the money that she got from being a touring drummer was only so good. Nikolai had never been hurting for money with how wealthy his family was. Nina was still getting quite a bit of money from her Heartrender music, too.

They were apparently also getting a lot more popular because of the imploding that The Fold was doing. More and more artists were following in Alina and Nina’s footsteps as they revealed the shady and shitty business practices that they had. The public opinion of the recording studio was plummeting, which meant that more people were reaching out to Shadow and Bone since one of their singers had been the face of the company for a while.

While they were on tour, a couple of the days that had been free on their schedule were instead taken up with interviews. Alina was the one that was focused on during them, but Nina and Zoya were also asked a couple of questions about everything that they had gone through. Nina released what she was comfortable with and kept quiet about what she wasn’t. That had gotten her quite a lot of flak from unhappy studios that hadn’t gotten the massive scoop that they were hoping for. The fans on the internet backed her up, as did her partners and bandmates, but it was beginning to wear her down.

She had always struggled with feeling like she was doing the right thing and being signed under Kirigan had only worsened that. During the harder days, the words that her mother had said would intermingle with his until she felt like a shell of herself.

“You’ll never be ladylike if you do that. You need to be more graceful. Cut down on your portions so that your future husband will actually want you. No wonder your father didn’t fight that hard in the custody battle if this is how you’re going to act.” Her mother.

“Just trust me, why are you so difficult? Calm down and actually listen for once. You’re just not as talented, it’s something you’re going to have to accept. Maybe if you were prettier then you would be selling better.” Kirigan.

She knew that Alina had it worse. She had been raised in the same kind of strict environment as Nina, which is where they had met. She had the worst of the abuse since she had also been in a romantic relationship with the horrible narcissist stealing their money from them as young teenagers. The words still ate Nina from the inside out, turning all-consuming and threatening to never leave.

She was aware that they would eventually leave, they always did. Regardless of what life threw at her, she was always there to take the next step forward and keep living. She wasn’t going to let something like her own depression and anxiety keep her from living the dreams that she had before they set in. She knew that she was going to struggle on the tour since things in the band were still a little rocky and the manager was going to be pushing them as hard as he could to get as much money as they could out of it.

They played sold-out show after sold-out show. They met with countless fans and spent hours talking to them when they tried to get food. They had even had to take off late one morning because someone had found their tour bus and wanted to get a picture.

Despite the constant go-go-go nature of the tour lifestyle that she now found herself in, there were still good moments. She woke up every morning to a picture of her partners, Inej sending her own separate one, letting them know that they missed her. She got near constant updates about what they were doing, like their group chat had become their polycule’s own specific social media. She knew that the certain set of vibrations in her pocket would mean that her partners were checking in with her, which always filled her up with so much love she felt as though she might burst.

Nina also lived for being able to play the music live. She could only imagine how intense it would be if she had brought some of her more scream-adjacent songs from her Heartrender discography instead of the more chill music that Shadow and Bone produced. She lived for the sound of the fans cheering back at her and the bass reverberating through the stage as it traveled through the speakers. Her favorite part was when everyone heard their favorite song and began to cheer even louder than they had been before.

Their biggest show was in the capitol, which was also where they had been doing a bunch of interviews with famous celebrities for late night talk shows. It was exhausting and so rewarding to finally step onto the tour bus so they could be taken to the next place that they needed to be.

Currently, she had performed her last show and was sitting in the hotel room that reminded her that she was a hop, skip, and jump away from her home with her partners. That idea had been thrilling up to a point, until she realized that she was going to be getting home at just the wrong time. Inej wouldn’t be back until the next day from her own set of shows. Matthias and Jesper would be doing their own respective jobs at the theater, with the former moving around sets and fixing broken props while the latter acted the main roll. Wylan had just had to travel out of the state so that he could attend a conference with other scientists as his study was coming to a close. Kaz would be opening the bar and it was one of the more important nights where he couldn't just step out unless there was an emergency.

Arguably, it was probably better for her to have a night alone in her apartment before she swamped herself with even more interaction. It would give her tired body a chance to actually rest and recuperate like she desperately needed, but she didn’t want it. She only ever really felt safe and warm when she was wrapped up in the arms of one of her partners. Even if Kaz was still feeling cuddled out like he had mentioned in the group chat that morning, being next to him or even in the same room as him made her soul feel like it was finally at rest.

Guilt sprang up in her stomach at the thought. She was the one that had decided that she was going to go on the tour and now she was complaining that even more people couldn’t warp their lives around her own wants in her schedule.

She missed them so aggressively that her brain couldn’t help but mention how much they didn’t. Logically, she knew that those things had to be wrong. They had enough partners with each other that if they really didn’t want her then they would have told her before they got to the point in their relationship that they had. Then again, her mind chimed in helpfully to remind her, they had another girlfriend in the chat that they were likely corresponding with over her.

Nina had been so worn down because of the travel that she hadn’t been able to reply consistently to them. She had instead had to give them a barrage of things and reactions to what they had done when she finally got a break for the night. Even then, she usually fell asleep on her bunk on the bus before they got the chance to reply back to her.

She had been the absolute worst for the last month that she had been touring. She knew that they deserved better than her, and she could see what the better example of her was. Genya had always been a complicated person to get to know but she was quite literally everything that Nina wasn’t.

She had been signed with Kirigan before Nina and Alina had the chance. She was quiet, demure, and beautiful beyond all belief. She found time to call her finance every night before she turned in to bed and each morning when she woke up. She was careful of how much she ate and every action that she made while she moved. Nikolai had always been somewhat ambivalent towards her, but Zoya and Alina were thick as thieves with her. It was difficult for Nina to watch, but she forced herself to do so anyway.

Sitting on the floor of her hotel room by herself, in the dark, her mind really came to life. It began to take apart every single text that she had received that was less than glowing, every single comment and message that she had gotten from fans and interviewers alike, and every action of her bandmates. Her mind rifled through the memories of the past month to remind her of all the bad things that had happened, every action that meant she was unwanted or causing problems in some way.

She had been trying to sleep for the duration of the night and gave up somewhere around three in the morning. She would be able to sleep a little bit on the bus as it brought them back to where they had started. The motion always lulled her into a fugue state anyway, which would work in tandem with her depressive episode.

Nina slipped off of the bed and then dressed in one of Matthias’ shirts that had gotten mixed in with the things in her bag when she was packing. She was wearing the ring that Jesper had given her for their six month anniversary on a chain around her neck, right next to the locket that Inej had gifted her containing a picture of all their partners together. She had a sweatshirt from Wylan that she draped over her shoulders to keep her back warm while she worked. Kaz was the only person that she didn’t have something of, which had been eating at her during their month of separation as well.

She set her phone down on the desk in front of her and then turned on the desk light. It illuminated her in soft yellow light, but wasn’t bright enough that it might shine through the window and let other people know that she was awake. She had become a bit paranoid about some of their fans finding out where she was and coming to her hotel room, likely because of some of the stories Genya had been telling during their trip.

The mirror in front of the desk stared back at her as soon as she turned on the light. Her hair was a little messy, the curls shoved back into the ponytail that she had managed to find at the bottom of her toiletries bag after her post-show shower. A couple of them had already escaped and were falling down into her eyes and across her cheeks. She could see every tiny imperfection of her skin, including the blackhead that had formed next to her nose and the line of zits on her hairline. The discoloration of the freckles on the bridge of her nose was upsetting when it wasn’t being hidden by the makeup that was packed away in her suitcase. She had dark bags under her eyes from her struggles to sleep on the bus consistently.

Still, she had to do something or she was going to lose her mind from stress and the voices in the back of her mind. She plugged in her phone and then got it propped up so that it was filming her entire upper half. She grabbed her guitar and situated it in her lap before she flicked to Instagram and went live. Most of her fans lived in the same country as her since her music hadn’t quite gone international even when she had been making a few covers of traditionally Slavic songs to honor her mother. She wasn’t expecting her fans to be up or willing to jump on a live with her at that time. She also usually announced that she was going to go live an hour before she did, which was also going to decrease the number pretty significantly.

She leaned back in the desk chair, looking up at the ceiling of the hotel. She could already see the number beginning to climb until it hovered around a hundred. She gave her usually, dorky little wave to her phone as she said, “Hey everyone! I know that I haven’t been as active as usual, but tour ended up being a lot busier than I thought it was going to be. I hope you’re all having a wonderful night.”

A small smile crossed her face as she saw the messages already streaming in. Most of them were saying hi back to her, or reassuring her that it was okay that she hadn’t been as active. One asked her which city she was in now, which was a question that she could actually answer. She liked being able to interact with her fans on a much smaller scale than usual, it felt almost like returning to when she and Alina were dumb sixteen-year-olds making music on their bedroom floors.

“Where’s Alina? She’s in the other room sleeping right now, probably,” Nina forced herself to laugh. It was getting really old to be pushed to the side for her friend, especially when she was the one that put the most effort into the songwriting and sung most of their album. “What did you guys think of the album? Should I play you something from that or would you prefer something new?”

She was plucking at the strings of her guitar as she carefully turned the pegs back and forth. She was worried that after having to tune her instrument to so many different songs that the strings were finally going to snap, which would result in her being instrument-less until Jesper could take her to the store to buy some more. She winced as she remembered her partner, her mind reminding her time and time again that he had been happier without her. She brought a raincloud with her that ruined and soured the lives that she touched.

She looked down at the chat and forced another smile as she saw that they were all cheering for something new. “I’ve been working on this song for a while, actually, so I’m kind of excited to share it with you all. Zoya has been helping me with it and it sounds much better with her, but you’ll have to settle for now.”

Nina took a deep breath as she found her fingering on the guitar neck and began to sing, “I'm trying to make something of myself. My better days, I go buy the hard sell. But I feel like I'm working with barbed wire and moth wings 'cause I can't really get a hold of many things. I'm one deep breath away from a breakdown. My nerves are wrecked and coming unwound. The world is hostile and I'm fragile and I need someone to kiss the cuts and tell me to keep trying. Is it me? Is it really just me? Does everybody have it together or are we all pretending? Is it me? Is it really just me? Holding it together with one loose string that I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop pulling. I rip myself apart at the seams. I find one weak spot and start unraveling, hoping I can find a better me. A fresh new start buried under me. Is it me? Is it really just me? Does everybody have it together or are we all pretending? Is it me? Is it really just me? Holding it together with one loose string that I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop pulling. Can we stop pretending now? Can we stop pretending now? Can we all admit that we don't have it figured out? Can we stop pretending now? Can we stop pretending now? Can we all admit that we don't have it figured out? Is it me? Is it really just me? Does everybody have it together or are we all pretending? Is it me? Is it really just me? Holding it together with one loose string that I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop pulling, I can't stop pulling, I can't stop pulling.”

At some point during the song, she had started crying. She barely even noticed the hot tears streaking down her face and onto her chin as she sang until she was pulled out of it. Her eyes had been clamped shut as she remembered each lyric that followed the one coming from her mouth. Her heart ached in her chest and her throat felt raw when she had finally stopped.

Her stomach dropped dramatically when she realized that she had started crying. She sniffled and wiped the tears away as quickly as she could. Nina forced another smile onto her face like she had been doing the entire day as she said, “Sorry for that, you guys. I didn’t mean to get all sentimental on you. I’ve had a really long couple of weeks, believe it or not.”

The chat had calmed down slightly but she was still getting a flood of little heart emojis. As soon as the apology had left her lips, people began to rave about her song and a couple even commented that they wished they had been there to hear the whole thing. “I think that I can chat for a while longer, but I don’t think that I should play any more music. I don’t want to wake up Nikolai, you would not believe how grumpy he is until he gets his coffee,” Nina said. She placed her head on her hand and tried not to look at the face that was reflected back at her. She usually felt so confident in her own body, but she had gotten so many comments about it from the stage crews that had helped the band and the interviewers that it was in the forefront of her mind.

She answered a few more questions until her phone started to get really hot from charging while she was live-streaming. She waved goodbye to all of her fans and then ended it so that she could collapse back into her bed.

The smell of Wylan and Matthias wrapped around her in a way that should have just been comforting, but instead made her heart ache even more than it had before. She felt like a pit was opening up inside of her and the only thing that she could get out of it were the horrible things that her mother and Kirigan had said to her. It was sucking all of the energy, the love, the joy that she should have been feeling out of her and replacing it with self-hatred and pain.

She stripped off the jacket and the shirt, placing them tenderly and carefully down onto the bed. She put on the shirt that she was going to be wearing during transit that day and then carefully folded the two garments. She removed the chain with the ring and the locket, even though it felt like she was losing a hand as she did so. She placed it carefully down in the center of the shirt and then layered the hoodie over the top of it. She carefully placed them both down in the suitcase lid and zipped it closed so that it would be safe when it was being moved around but also inaccessible to her.

Nina went to the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror, watching the imperfections of her face crease and move as she tilted her head this way and that. She poked and prodded at the places of her body she didn’t like, the fat rolls on her back and the plumpness of her stomach.

Voices in the back of her mind reminded her of everything she wasn’t. Alina was able to eat anything she wanted and maintained the stick-figure thin outline. Genya took time out of her day instead of focusing on something silly so that she could actually take care of her skin. Zoya had curly hair that she could actually contain and a youthful face. Nikolai never had to worry about what he looked like because he was never subjected to the harsh beauty standards that she, as a woman, had to endure every day since she became a teenager.

By the time that the voices had taken over her mind, she was crying again. Her face was tilted down towards the sink as she tried to stifle the sobs. They threatened to break through the air around her, to make her pain more real. She shouldn’t have been having that pain at all, she reminded herself. This is exactly what she had done when she was signed under Kirigan and it had made her life in the music industry so much harder until she had Alina by her side. The guilt over the resentment her friend coming out and being believed instead of her was going to consume Nina. It was already trying.

She forced down the emotion and decided that she was going to effect as few lives as possible. She pulled out her makeup and covered up all of the imperfections that she hated. A simple smokey eye with catwing eyeliner, like she had done for every day when she was on tour during the time that she wasn’t performing. Her favorite color of strawberry lipstick went on her lips, plumpening them enough that she was more appealing and less pouty.

Nina then shoved everything into her toiletries kit and put that in her suitcase as well. Her bag was packed other than her book, laptop, phone, and its charger.

Remembering the device that lay on the hotel desk reminded her of the next step in her plan. She sat back down in the chair that she had been in before and opened up the texting app. It had brought her so much light and life to see each text as it rolled in while she was being whisked from place to place, but she wasn’t sure the same could be said for her partners. On the off chance that they did love her and they weren’t doing it out of some kind of strange obligation, she knew how much it had to be tearing them up to have her away from them. She had seen how much Matthias and Jesper both pouted when Inej was gone. Having two girlfriends without either of them being in reach had to be torture, she knew that it was for her. So she was going to end that pain for them.

It would hurt for a while to do it this way, but they would have each other to use to recover and then they would be fine. She wouldn’t drag them down and she wouldn’t ruin their lives like she had every other partner, friend, and parent that she had ever known.

She opened up the app and voiced the message as she wrote it, “Hey, sorry for the late text. I just wanted to let you all know that this last year has been the absolute best in my life and I adore you all very much. But I think that it’s time we finally admit that you’d all be happier without me. You’ve done nothing to persuade me of this, you’ve all been absolutely wonderful and the problem could never be with you. It’s just with me, the problem is always with me. I hope that you can help each other through any pain that might come from this break up. Know that I did and do truly love you, I’m doing this to help you live better lives.”

She left the chat and then abandoned her phone on the table. She tilted her head up and blinked furiously to try and keep the tears from running down her face again. She had enough time to redo her makeup if she did cry again, but it felt like giving into the part of herself that she was furiously trying to keep behind lock and key.

Nina marched to her bed and grabbed her laptop. She sat with the duvet discarded off to the side, only using the top sheet to keep herself warm since the other blanket reminded her too much of her now ex-girlfriend. She plugged in her headphones and pulled up her favorite comfort show so that she could forget all of the pain that was plaguing her life until she had to get up in the morning.

---

She went through breakfast without eating anything despite the waffle maker almost screaming her name. Nothing could be louder than the voice of Kirigan right behind her eyes, reminding her that if her body was more desirable then she wouldn’t struggle so much to get the same amount of fame as Alina. Being around her bandmates and manager felt like torture but she stuck through it, smiling pleasantly when Genya said good morning to her despite her wanting to scream and sob.

They were finally back on the bus and she had an excuse to be relatively alone. She was sitting in one of the little booths, the one that had the table where a few of them had taken to eating at, and stared out the window. Her headphones were on and plugged into the phone that she had turned off, playing nothing into her head but being a relatively effective deterrent. She had to prove to herself and the glimmering hope in her breast that her bandmates were fine without her. She couldn’t leave them because it would be more of a hassle to replace her than to put up with her curse, but they didn’t need her as a friend.

She was doing fine, ignoring her feelings and passing the time with her own thoughts and song lyrics, until Nikolai slid into the seat across from her. He grabbed her phone and unplugged her headphones from the jack to get her to pay attention to him, which was actually one of his favorite things to do when he felt he wasn’t getting enough stimulus from the others.

“What?” she asked, immediately regretting it when she realized how snappish the words had been when they came out of her mouth.

“What did you do?” he asked.

“Why do you always assume that I’ve done something?” she asked, snatching her phone back.

He was staring down at the device like it was going to blow up in his hand since it hadn’t immediately turned on when he took it from her like it always did. She removed her headphones so that they were around her neck and then plugged the jack back in while waiting for him to finally explain himself. Nikolai shook his head to rid the thoughts he had been focused on, much like a dog. “Tolya said that Jesper has been freaking out since early this morning. I assume that since he was one of your boys, you had something to do with it.”

Her heart ached in her chest, spreading pain throughout the rest of her body. The skin on her arms and over her chest felt like it was peeling away from her in the desperation for her soul to be pressed back into her body. She felt unlike herself, moments away from screaming or crying. She couldn’t figure out which one was right but she knew that the emotions brewing in her gut had to go somewhere.

Nina shoved it down immediately. She was going to remove herself from everyone’s lives, that had been her plan. She couldn’t allow herself to explode and to hurt others when they had been nothing but tolerant of her. Her hurt was for her to deal with alone, as she always had.

“I didn’t have anything to do with it,” she lied through gritted teeth. “I’m guessing that Inej came back early or something.”

“I don’t think so,” Nikolai shook his head. “From what Tolya was complaining about nothing that Jesper was doing was particularly… exciting.”

“All you said was that he was freaking out,” Nina replied, a little bit annoyed at the whole situation. She didn’t want him prying into the very tender wound that was her recent breakup.

Every time she thought about the fact that she was never going to see those people again, she felt as though she was going to die on the spot. Her mind kept informing her that she would never have Matthias’ arms around her or hear Wylan practicing the piano while he composed something new, or listen to Kaz argue with Jesper over something unimportant, or smell Inej’s body wash when they were hiding in her loft bed, or dance in the living room with Jesper after everyone else had gone to bed ever again. It felt raw and painful in a way that none of her other breakups had felt. There was no relief at having to fake the love any longer, to pretend that she was comfortable going on expensive dates or getting pricey gifts. She only felt the pain that came with knowing that a part of her life that she had really enjoyed was over.

“Nina, what’s the matter?” Nikolai asked. He folded his hands in front of him and leaned forward so that he was a bit closer than before. He was acting like that was going to make it easier for them to hide what they were talking about, to give them some modicum of privacy when they hadn’t had that since they had stepped onto the godforsaken bus.

“Nothing is the matter,” she said, which even she could tell sounded like a lie. There was a waver in her throat and her makeup had already been destroyed around her waterline. The fact that she had tucked herself away in the booth instead of lounging out over the couch while chatting with Alina and Zoya was a big show of that.

He reached across the table and took her hand in his, holding it like he had when they had first decided to make the band. Everything was making her lust after a time that she could no longer ever have, one that had passed her by and compounded new trauma in the forefront of her mind. “We’ve been friends for years, that excuse really isn’t going to work on me,” he assured her. “You can just tell me what’s wrong. I’m not going to judge you and I want to be here for you.”

She carefully took her hand back from him and then began to fiddle with the edge of her phone case. It was one that Wylan had ordered for her after she kept complaining about how terrifying it was to think about all the cracks she could get while performing with it even just in her pocket. It was a construction grade case that was still sleek and had now been decorated with a sticker from her own favorite band. “I don’t really want to talk about it right now.”

Nikolai sat back in his chair, looking over her with those critical eyes that made her feel bare. She didn’t like people examining her that closely, especially when she already felt as self-conscious as she did. “How about I give you another hour on the bus and then we’ll talk again, okay?”

“Okay,” she finally relented. She had enough wear in her soul already from not being able to sleep the night before and all the crying that she couldn’t keep fighting him. Her only hope at the moment was that he would forget before the time came and she’d be able to avoid it regardless.

He dislodged himself from the booth and walked over to another part of the bus so that he could join in the conversation that Zoya and Alina were having. Nina grabbed her phone and headphones, balling them both up in her hand so that they were constricting around her neck any longer, and then removed herself from the booth as well. She walked back to the bunk that she had been using and collapsed into it. She dropped her headphones and phone next to her, useless since the device was turned off and the headphone trick hadn’t even worked.

She turned her head away from the curtain that was only half drawn to cover herself as she pretended to nap and looked over everything. She had taped several polaroids of herself and her partners to the walls to keep herself happy when she was missing her partners. She missed them even more than she had when she was traveling, now knowing that she had resigned herself to not be able to see them when she got back. She was so dreadfully alone and it was all her own doing, even if it had been for the protection of the people that she loved.

---

An hour of driving passed by before someone came to rouse her from the nap she had dozed off into. She had still been aware of where she was in her bunk and what was happening around it, so all it took was their hand on her ankle for her to startle awake “Is everything okay?” she asked nervously as she pulled back the curtain so that the other was revealed.

“I came to ask you the same question,” Alina replied. “Do you wanna cuddle and talk about it?”

That was something that they had done often when they were teenagers in high school. They would go to one of their houses, usually Alina’s because her foster mother was almost always at work, and cuddle underneath the blankets. They would hold each other while the other blubbered about boys, girls, breakups, heartache, and all the other shitty things that came with learning how to be a human in the world. It was cathartic and something that had brought them together even more than their shared Catholic school trauma had.

“I don’t know,” she shook her head, which brought her attention to the fact that even more of her untamable curls had escaped the confines of her ponytail.

Alina pouted a little bit. “I think that it would maybe make you feel better.”

“What do you know about it?” she asked, her mouth flickering down into a frown. The idea that Nikolai had brought her problems to the attention of all the others in the band made the guilt inside of her stomach grow even wider. She felt like she was drowning in her emotions, being pulled into the ocean of sadness and pain by a riptide that she had no hope of escaping.

“Nikolai mentioned that Tolya wouldn’t shut up about Jesper not being able to shut up,” she explained. “And I noticed that you didn’t come out when we stopped for lunch.”

“I’m not hungry,” Nina lied. She had been starving and they were getting fast food at her favorite place. The sensitivity around how much she ate was still there in full-force, overwhelming and gnawing at her body.

“You didn’t eat anything at breakfast either,” Alina noted. Her brows furrowed together as she poked her best friend further into the bunk. She climbed in so that they were laying side by side, tilted so that their fronts were facing each other so that they could both fit in the tiny space. “Nina, what’s going on?”

She closed her eyes as she tried to keep the emotions locked where they belonged, deep inside of her heart in the place that only her ex-partners had ever been able to reach. She took a deep breath as she answered, “It’s not a big deal, I’m just having a bad day.”

Nina could almost hear Alina’s frown as she said, “I think that’s actually a monumental big deal.”

“And why is that?”

“Because you’re my best friend and you were there for all of my bad days. You’ve also been going through it recently,” she replied immediately. Alina reached down and grasped Nina’s hand, so hard that the other woman could feel the scar along in her palm. “You were there for me when I finally ended things with Kirigan and through the whole process of trying to reach out to Mal again. The least I can do is support you when you’re having a bad brain day.”

Nina whimpered as she snuggled closer to Alina. Her arms wrapped around the other girl’s hips and her face was lost in the space of her collarbone, hiding away from the world. Alina responded by completing the hug, weaving her arms behind Nina’s back. It didn’t feel as good as when Matthias and Inej did it, or the rare moments that she got to cuddle Jesper for longer than five minutes, but it was better than nothing. It soothed the touch starved ache burning under her skin by micrometers.

She waited for a while, threading her fingers through her childhood friend’s hair for a while before asked again, “What’s going on?”

“I broke up with them, Alina,” she finally admitted. Saying it out loud made the entire thing feel more real. That was why she had verbalized the text as she was sending it, to try and cement it in her head that what she was doing was the right thing in the long run. Finally admitting that she had broken it off with the healthiest relationship she had ever had in her entire life made everything come crashing down around her. “I’m so fucking selfish. All I can think about is how much I hate my face and my body and being second to you even though we make the music together and I just… they deserve so much better than me.”

“What?” Alina asked, pulling back. She sat up so fast and so suddenly that she hit her head on the top of the bunk and immediately winced, being forced back down while cradling the back of her skull. “Come on, we’re going to go talk with the others about this,” she insisted.

They both slipped out of the bunk so that they were standing. Nina was crying so hard that her makeup was already streaking off, she could feel the heat of her tears beginning to seep down to her skin. She wasn’t able to stop the sobs as they bubbled out of that black abyss in her gut, forcing their way through her throat.

Alina grabbed her hand and nearly dragged her to the main living area where everyone else was sitting. She stopped on the way to grab a packet of makeup wipes and a box of tissues. She dumped them both down on the coffee table in front of the couch in the living room area of the tour bus before she pushed Nina down onto the seat beside Nikolai and Zoya. Both of their aforementioned band partners balked when they saw the state that the woman was in.

“You were right, Zoya, she’s not okay,” Alina sighed as she sat down in front of Nina. She held the other woman’s hand again, rubbing her thumb over her knuckles. Another massive wave of grief washed over Nina as she wished that it was Wylan doing that instead.

“We can see that, Alina. And I’m always right,” Zoya said, her chin jutting out with a strike of confidence.

Nikolai waved his hand in between the two of them to get them to shut up before they could start another one of their tedious arguments. “None of that now, we need to focus on Nina.”

“No you don’t,” she sniffled mournfully.

“Of course we do, we’re your friends and we love you,” Zoya informed her, the touch of annoyance that almost always clung to her words somehow gone. She reached over onto the table and handed Nina one of the makeup wipes so that she could get rid of the streaks that were left over after her crying.

She was still sobbing, unable to stop the emotions from bursting forth out of her after what she had admitted to her friend. She still took the offered item and then used it to wipe down her face. When she finished, Alina took it from her and placed the box of tissues directly down into the center of Nina’s lap.

Alina took a deep breath as she finally announced, “Nina is having a bad brain day. She hasn’t eaten anything all day and she broke up with her partners.”

Next to her, Nikolai wrapped an arm around the back of her shoulders to bring her into a hug and winced. “That would explain why Jesper is freaking out.”

“You didn’t think that bit of information was important to bring up to the rest of us?” Zoya asked. She dislodged herself from the couch and walked over to the kitchenette part of the bus. She got out a bottle of water and one of the leftover peanut butter cracker packs that they had. The snacks were rather bare bones at that point in their trip since they were all headed back home. They had just enough that no one would have to get hangry while waiting to pull into town so that they could get something.

She returned back to the table and handed them both to Nina with a no-nonsense expression painted over her strict features. “Thank you,” she mumbled as she took them both. She opened the water first and sipped on it while she tried to quiet her tears on her own. She swallowed and they were gone, the emotion still hovering just behind her eyes and sitting in a lump in the middle of her chest but not visible to the outside.

“It’s fucking horrifying that you know how to do that,” Nikolai shook his head, his nose wrinkling with his distaste.

“Catholic school,” Nina and Alina echoed at the same time. That caused a small giggle from the former, which made the latter smile reassuringly.

Zoya kicked the edge of the couch as she sat down to get them both to turn towards her. “Can I ask why you thought that it was a good idea to break up with the rest of your polycule? Things were good with them and you were having a good time.”

“It just…” she shook her head. “I really don’t want to talk about this.”

She peaked through the curls now hanging down into her eyes as the other shared a look with each other before they turned properly back to their friend. Alina was the one that restarted the conversation, “Fine. Self destructive break up talk can happen later. Do you think you can talk about some of the other things that you mentioned?”

Nina fidgeted. She tipped her head back and finished half of the water bottle in one go. Zoya nodded at her approvingly and then nudged the crackers with her hand to try and coax her into eating them. Despite not being particularly hungry, her stomach clenching into a knot as she thought about all of the comments that had been made about her, she opened the package and popped one into her mouth.

After she had swallowed it, she said, “I just… the comments that some of the fans were making got to me. The interviewers weren’t much better.”

“It was really fucking frustrating to have to watch them fawn over Alina when you’re the one that got screwed over by the company even harder,” Nikolai nodded reassuringly. “Trust me, Zoya and I were about a second away from pulling you out of the chair and refusing to let them talk to you during that last one.”

“That guy was an ass,” Alina nodded her head in agreement so emphatically that Nina was worried she was going to break her own neck in the process. She then carefully said, “I know that we can’t really do anything to undo the damage that he did to you when it comes to your body, but I promise that you’re beautiful.”

“I can think of something,” Genya said, startling them all. They hadn’t realized that she had walked out of the master bedroom space at the back of the bus. “You know that the only reason he kept me around was because he thought I was beautiful, which is why I was fired pretty quickly after the accident,” she gestured to the patch over her eye where the scars around were just peaking past the fabric.

Nina nodded, guilt gnawing at her insides. She knew that Genya suffered from the same self-conscious and poor body image issues that she did, so it made her envy of the other woman feel all the more intrusive and wrong.

The redhead walked over to the table, sitting down beside Alina. “You are beautiful. Just because you don’t fit the modern day aesthetic of skinny women that somehow have huge boobs doesn’t mean that you’re not. Imagine how many young people out in the audience saw you all dolled up and pretty on the stage and saw themselves. You may not have confidence in your own body, but to them you are the walking embodiment of their own beauty and confidence.”

That did make her feel a little bit better. The reassurance that she was getting from her friends was exactly what she needed. The conversation veered back to the less than favorable things that the interviewers had done when they had the whole band or even the two main singers. Nina finished her water and crackers, cleaning her face of the tears with the tissues in her lap. She ended up falling asleep with her head on Nikolai’s shoulder for the rest of the trip.

---

She felt like walking death as she hauled all of her belongings up the stairs to her apartment. The elevator was still broken, as it had been when she had left a month before. Her phone hung heavy in her pocket, turned all the way off so that she couldn’t get any texts or social media messages that would make her bad day even worse. It was good when it came to her sensitivity around her body and place in the band but bad whenever her mind flitted towards her ex-partners.

She had been wondering if they were trying to reach out to her about everything that had happened or if they had all simply deleted their conversations with her and unfollowed her on social media to be well and truly done with her. Her mind kept creating fake scenarios of them reaching out to her, asking what was wrong, and reassuring her that their lives were richer with her in them.

She couldn’t imagine that was true. They would fight valiantly to try and figure out what the actual reason she had broken up with them was, which is why she had turned her phone off for the duration of the day.

Nina was beginning to doubt her decision to tell Zoya that she would be fine getting back to her apartment on her own. She kind of wished that she had taken her friend up on the offer of them staying together for a while until the post-breakup blues and depressive spiral was over. She couldn’t rely on other people to help her with everything, especially after what they had done to help her on the bus. So she had politely declined and made her own way back to her home.

She stopped in front of her door, opening it with the keys clutched in her hand. She deposited them next to her phone and wallet in the little bowl on top of the bookshelf beside her door. She slid her suitcase through into her little walkway and then closed the door before she dumped her backpack next to it. She was so tired from the tour overall, but it was only aggravated by her not being able to sleep the night before and the emotional turmoil that she had been suffering with the whole day. The nap that she had taken on the bus had only helped a little.

“Food and unpacking,” she mumbled to herself as she grabbed her bag and officially turned around. A gasp ripped itself from her lips as she saw that there was another figure in her home, sitting in the light of the quickly setting sun. It had been close to eight at night when the bus had finally pulled back into the town and it took another hour for them to get everything loaded off of it and into their own vehicles.

The man that was sitting in her chair was a very familiar face, one that her heart had been yearning after the entire day. His hair was mused like he had been running his hands through it all day, the scar on his lip aggravated and red from chewing on it. His clothes consisted of a pair of slim fitting satiny pants and a disheveled looking white button down. His hands were bare on top of the cane that he was clutching like it was going to run away from him.

“Kaz?” she asked, her brows furrowing together with confusion. “What are you-”

She was barely able to get anything else out before another pair of lips were suddenly on top of her own. Her back hit the door that she had just closed, sending her backpack and suitcase tumbling over. Nina heard the clatter of the cane join the cacophony of noise as he brought both of his hands to her hips to keep her in place. She didn’t push him off or tell him that she didn’t want it because then she would be lying to him, and she couldn’t do that again. Instead she began to cry as she kissed him back. Her arms wrapped around his shoulders and threaded through his already destroyed hair, holding his body to her own like he would suddenly disappear.

“What… what was that?” she asked when he finally broke away from her to let her breathe.

“What the fuck did you think that you were doing?” Kaz seethed, pain and anger mixing in eyes in a way that made her stomach flip and her heart flutter.

She didn’t know what the proper response to that would have been, especially since her own question hadn’t yet been answered. So she just tried a weak, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I can almost guarantee that you do,” Kaz replied, fire and bitterness seeping into every word that he spoke. He took a step back from her so that she could finally free herself from the wall, but he didn’t remove his eyes from her for a moment. It was like he thought that if he looked away, she would vanish back into the nothingness that she had been before.

Nina shook that thought from her head the second that it crossed into her mind. There was no way that someone could love her that much. “Is this about the text?” she asked, nervously running her fingers along the seam of her pants.

“No, it’s about the fact that Jesper didn’t show up for dinner today, of course it’s about the text!” he shouted. “How did you think that kind of thing was okay to spring on us when none of us were around to talk you out of it?”

She brought her arms around herself so that she was holding in all of the emotion that was threatening to burst forth from her. “I thought that it would be the best way to do it. I know that breaking up over text isn’t something that’s really praised when it comes to judging whether or not an ex has been fair to you but I knew that I couldn’t do it face-to-face.”

Kaz limped past her so that he was sitting on her couch. Silence hung between them for a moment, and she took in her surroundings so that she could look anywhere but at her very upset boyfriend. Her home had pale cream colored walls with a white ceiling, a single black ceiling light hanging from the center. She had a red velvet couch in between two black metal tables, both of which were overflowing with notebooks, lamps, and plants. The entertainment center that held her small collection of DVDs and television matched the coffee table, which had been unintentional but fit the room perfectly. She had a thick black rug underneath it all that she and Wylan had spent almost an hour laying on the first time that they had spent time alone post-relationship. The living room led directly into the kitchen, which was separated from the space with a counter and cabinets.

“Why do you think that was?” Kaz asked when he finally got the energy to speak up again. She could see him charging up the attack like a canon preparing to fire before the words fell from his scarred lips.

“What?” she asked, shifting back and forth to rid herself of the nervous energy building up in her limbs. She had spent too long exerting herself to her limit every night and then cramped in a bus every day to just stand still in front of him.

“Why do you think that it would have been almost impossible to ask us to break up with you if you had been in front of us?” he asked.

She tilted her head down towards the floor and tried her best not to start crying again. “I said it in the message. I love you all so, so much. It would have torn me apart to see your faces when you realized that this isn’t going to work out for you.”

“You don’t get to decide that for us, Nina!” Kaz shouted, springing from the couch. He winced, obviously having bent his bad knee too quickly, and collapsed back onto the furniture. “We’re the ones that get to make the decision about who is in our life and our relationship. We’re all consenting adults that are within a few years of each other, there’s no power imbalance. There’s no coercion or pressure, consent is explicit in everything that we do and no judgment gets passed when someone has to opt out of an activity. We would have let you know if we didn’t want to date you. You don’t get to fucking decide that for us!”

“You don’t understand!” she screamed, throwing her arms out in a wide gesture to accentuate her point. “I’m fucking cursed! Every time that my life has been this could something has come out of goddamn left field to try and ruin all of it. I could already see it happening when I was on tour and I wanted to save you all from it. You have each other to support you through the initial pain of the breakup, but you’ll be fine once that’s all over. Don’t you see why I can’t be around you? I’m going to hurt you like I did this time and one day it’ll be so big that you’ll start to resent me like everyone always does.”

Kaz slowly pushed himself up from the couch and limped over to her. He placed his ungloved hands on either side of her face and then brought his lips forward so that he was kissing her forehead. She had started crying again, all of the water that Zoya had forced her to drink on the bus now streaming down her face in well-traced rivulets.

She collapsed into him, letting out a wail that shook her entire body. Her face was buried into his neck and her arms were still wrapping around herself to try and get a small amount of extra comfort that way. He was holding her like she was going to disappear, just the way she liked it. It made her feel grounded and stable.

Nina cried and cried until there were no more tears left. She was hiccuping slightly as she pulled back and used the end of her sleeves to mop up the tears still on her face. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

He was about to say something when his phone went off in his pocket. Unable to contain her own curiosity, she asked, “Who’s that?”

“Backup,” Kaz replied shortly. He was still upset with her but had already mostly forgiven her.

“What, were you going to trap me until I came back to the relationship?” she asked, trying to tease him like she always did before she had done that catastrophically stupid thing.

“Nina,” he warned, looking towards her. He had pulled his phone out of his pocket and turned it on so that he could see who it was that had texted him, but he immediately shoved it back into the pocket of his pants. Kaz’s dark eyes were shining with a kind of fear that he had only see after he woke up from his infrequent nightmares. That struck something deep inside of her and she immediately decided that she was never going to do something like that ever again, not for as long as she lived.

He stepped forward and placed his hands on either side of her face again. “I-I can’t fucking live without you. Any of you. I’ve lost so many people. I can’t lose you too. You hear me? I don’t care if you have some sort of fucking curse, I’ll handle whatever it throws at us. But I cannot lose you,” he spoke with such sincerity that it almost restarted her tears.

Instead, she flung herself around him so that he was buried into the edge of her body. She kissed his neck and then whispered, like it was a secret for just the two of them despite them still being alone in the apartment, “I’m sorry. I promise that I won’t do it again. Never ever.”

“Good,” Kaz replied. He cleared his throat and turned his face away from her so that she couldn’t see the tears glistening on his dark lashes, though she was able to catch a glimpse regardless. He slumped back onto the couch while sticking his bad leg out in front of him so that he didn’t further irritate the nerve sheaths that had been damaged. “I want you to go and put on the locket and ring that you always wear. If you have any clothing from our boys then you’re to put that on as well. They’re going to be coming over as soon as Matthias and Jesper’s show is over.”

“Don’t they have a cast party tonight?” she asked, already moving to do as he had asked. She felt rubbed raw with all of the emotion that she had just had to endure again, after sitting with the turmoil while trapped with her own mind on a bus for hours. She wanted to see the rest of her partners as soon as she could, to apologize to them as she had done to Kaz, but she wasn’t sure how much more crying she could honestly handle.

“Making sure that their girlfriend doesn’t break up with them trumps a cast party that they can attend after every show that they perform in,” Kaz replied, giving her a look that told her she should have been able to guess that.

Nina made herself busy to hide the burning on her freckled cheeks. She opened up her suitcase and got out the items she had so carefully put away early that morning. She secured the necklace right where it belonged, hanging over her collarbone. She then shed her travel shirt and put on Matthias’ shirt and Wylan’s hoodie. The rest of the clothing in the suitcase was thrown haphazardly into the washer so that it could be doing something productive. Kaz let her out of his sight long enough for her to also put away her makeup and the suitcase itself. When she came back, she handed Kaz back his cane and sat down on the ground in front of him.

“I really am sorry, you know,” she whispered.

“I could tell from the crying. I never want to see you that upset again,” he informed her as though he was scolding her. She knew how to see through the Kaz-speak well enough to tell that he was actually telling her how much he hated seeing her when she was in pain.

“Were…” she trailed off, burying her face in the soft velvet of the couch. She put her cheek on it instead, looking up at him while resisting the urge to put her head in his lap. “Were the others also upset?”

“Of course they were, Nina,” he replied. His voice was soft instead of gravely and biting like it normally was when they were having their verbal sparring sessions. She felt special to finally be the one that was receiving his tenderness, usually she was on the outside while watching it be given to Inej and Jesper. He continued, which she had not been expecting, “Jesper immediately started trying to find a way that he could track the bus and find a way to drive out to meet you to prove how much he loved you. Inej got a flight back a day early so that she could be here as soon as she possibly could. Wylan is currently driving back from his conference, he told them that he had a family emergency.”

“But he didn’t!” Nina gasped. Wylan took his job very seriously so the idea that he had lied to his associates about what he was doing absolutely flummoxed her.

“Darling, he did,” Kaz reminded her softly. “One of the only two women in his life that he has ever loved outside of a familiar sense threatened to leave him and break his heart. He had to come back to you.”

She sniffled again, but refused to let herself start crying. Kaz scooted over on the couch so that her head was actually pillowed on his thighs. She relaxed as his bare fingers began to card through her dark chocolate curls, an ever-present reminder of how loved she was. Kaz finally concluded, “I’ve never seen Matthias more broken or upset. He was absolutely devastated that he hadn’t proved to you just how adored you were by both him and us. I felt the same way. I had someone else open the Crow Club tonight just to wait for you.”

“I feel really bad for making you all do that. I thought that this would be the easiest way to protect you, to do it when none of you could come after me,” Nina mumbled as she hid her face away in his lap.

Kaz let the silent hang between them for a moment as he continued to weave his fingers through her curls. “I know. You were technically very clever with how you did it. You let your depression trick you into thinking that you didn’t deserve us or that we wouldn’t want you, and then you decided on a plan that would allow us to supposedly be ‘free’ of you with the least amount of chance of us getting to you to convince you to change your mind. What you didn’t account for was how much we loved you and how desperate we are to keep you near us.”

“Did any of you consider that I actually wanted to breakup?” Nina asked, curiosity getting the better of her. The words slipped through her mouth before she even had a chance to think about why that kind of thing might be hurtful to ask.

“No,” he replied immediately. “You made it very clear in the text that you sent that this was a self-destructive behavior and not something that you actually wanted to be happening. If you had sent any other message then there may have been some doubt in my mind, though.”

“You can read me so well,” she murmured. She grabbed his hand with her own and began to toy with the ends of his fingers.

They both sat in silence for a while until there was a knock on her door. Kaz got up, motioning for her to stay on the couch while he limped towards it. He grabbed his cane from where he had left it on the ground and then answered.

Almost as soon as the door opened, two other members of her polycule had piled in. Kaz had stepped to the side to allow them to, though Nina noticed for a moment that he didn’t actually close to the door or move away from it. Her attention was pulled away from him and to her other boyfriends, Matthias and Jesper immediately crowding her vision.

“Min elskede, vær venlig aldrig at skræmme mig sådan igen. Jeg elsker dig mere end hele verden og kan ikke fatte at skulle være uden dig,” Matthias was speaking so quickly that she was only able to catch a couple of the words that he was saying. Nina had always been naturally gifted when it came to languages, so she had been studying the native tongues of some of her partners so that she could speak with them in a language personal to them specifically. She hadn’t gotten far enough in her Danish lessons to be able to tell what he was saying then.

Her mind was racing to try and figure out what he had said so that she could have some tiny hope at translating it when Jesper dragged her out of it. “Did Kaz talk to you?”

“Yeah,” she whispered with a little nod. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t! Don’t fucking apologize to me,” Jesper shook his head. He knelt down on the ground in front of her and took her hand with his own. Matthias had already fallen to his knees in front of Nina like he was worshiping at an alter. In any other situation she would have found it incredibly erotic, but all she could think about was how guilty she was for causing them pain and how much she absolutely adored them with her entire heart.

He took a shaky breath in through his nose as he wrapped both of his calloused hands around hers. He brought it up to his mouth and pressed a kiss to her palm before he cupped his own cheek with her hand. “I love you, Nina. I truly do. I know that I’m not the best at speaking your love language and sometimes I fuck up and I hurt people, but I love you. Please never make me live without you because you think that I don’t want you.”

“I won’t, never ever again,” she shook her head. She took her hand away from Matthias just long enough to cup his other cheek. She kissed the top of Jesper’s forehead, his coiled black hair tickling the edge of her nose. She then pressed her lips to his for a longer time than was absolutely necessary.

She turned to her other boyfriend then and gave him a watery smile. She was determined not to cry no matter how many feelings she had brewing inside of her, deciding that she had reached her limit for tears. “You’re going to have to repeat what you said if you want me to be able to translate it, baby.”

“I love you,” he said, his English rough and heavily accented with emotion. “Jepser said everything else I had wanted to say. Please do not leave us.”

“I’m not going to, I promise,” she whispered. She kissed him as well.

By the time that she had finished soothing the worries that were brewing inside of her two boys, the door shut. She looked up and around Matthias to see Inej and Wylan standing there. They both looked harried and worn out from the traveling and change of plans that they had to do that day, both also carrying bags from their trips. “I’m sorry,” was the only thing that she could get out of her throat.

“I know,” Inej replied. She stalked over to the other woman, Matthias and Jesper moving away from her so that she had the space she needed. “There was a reason that I sent Kaz to talk you down. Draga mea, you are not cursed. You have had bad things happen to you because bad people were trying to hurt you. Now you have us to protect you from both your own mind and the people trying to hurt you. Never throw away your armor because the knife is shining nicely.”

Nina giggled and then nodded. Inej leaned down and kissed her.

“So you’re going to stay with us? We’re not breaking up anymore?” Wylan asked, his shoulders sagging in relief.

“No, I’m sorry. I got too into my own head and then I guess I just couldn’t keep it inside any longer,” Nina shook her head. She stood up and moved away from the three partners crowding the couch as she wrapped herself around Wylan. He buried himself into her body and clung to her to make sure that she was really there in front of him.

She removed her head from his fluffy brown-red hair to look over all of her partners. They had all gone to such great lengths to make sure that she was still together with them and so that she knew that they loved her. She was never going to hurt them like that again, for as long as she lived.

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ravenyenn19 · 2 months

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“The Midnight Strings”

New chapter is now live on “Dealing With Our Demons” by ravenyenn19 on ao3 🌌🪦

GUYS. I am so excited. Just so so excited to share this one with you. I meant to have it up yesterday + I’m sorry I couldn’t. I was exhausted & I’ve been getting pretty bad headaches (need new glasses, elw USA healthcare) but I added an additional 1k words onto this that I think really just made this feel like the real ushering of the final act of this story. 🥹 I hope you love it as much as I do & I would LOVE to hear from you all🖤🖤 I NEED TO BE EXCITED W YOU.

Lots of plot hidden away in this one! (yes, can you believe it?!) Squint if you dare, dear readers. 🫶🏻

Thank you forever for being here. Truly.

🌌 you can find my other socials here!

🌌 ALSO if you love my writing, I’m attaching my kofi! Any support right now would genuinely mean everything to me as whatever I receive will be going straight to my new eye glasses fund. Unfortunately my insurance doesn’t cover it so I have to pay for the exam/actual pair out of pocket which is EXPENSIVE. I just can’t avoid it any longer however- I’m getting terrible headaches whenever I look at my laptop which is obviously bad for an author. Anyways, if you can’t, I sincerely understand! Reading what I write is a huge support for me in and of itself + not something I will ever take for granted. 🥹🖤 Thank you again, loves.

PS- “Our Middle Is The Moon” will be uploading later today as I realized I have some final edits to make- for readers of that story 🏹🩸

#kanej #kaz brekker #shadow and bone #grishaverse #inej ghafa #kaz x inej #dealing with our demons #crooked kingdom #leigh bardugo #six of crows #dwod #six of crows fanfic #kanej fanfic #ao3 #nina zenik #zoya nazyalensky

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thatfangirlofsb · 1 year

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A/N: Hi, I'm back with another grishaverse fanfic. This time it will be about the zoyalai.

This one will be longer than the last one, so be prepared.

T/W: Spoilers of Rule of wolves.

"Zoya decides to fix the wedding that Nikolai and the shu decided to botch, but will she be able to do it without breaking down?"

Moya tsaritsa (I)

"And now I find it out?" The fury could be heard clearly in her voice even at the other end of the table, where Nikolai was happy to be separated from her thanks to all the people who were sitting around the long piece of wood.

Nikolai couldn't have been happier when everything went according to plan, but all that happiness crashed down when a very angry Zoya walked into the meeting room with her fists clenched.

"Over my age-wrinkled corpse, Nikolai." She said placing her palms on the table with such force that the wood trembled slightly at her touch. "And I remind you that the grisha live longer and take us a while to get old."

She was tempted to throw a blast of air at him that would put him against the wall and knock him unconscious for a few minutes, but she quickly forgot that idea. She was going to keep yelling at him, but when she felt the air gathering around her she turned and got out of there toward her room. Thanks Nikolai, today I won't be able to rest after the trip because of all the work I have to do, she thought before occupying her mind with solutions to the big problem that a certain blond had caused.

—————

"Was there a tornado or just an angry squaller?" Nikolai asked entering Zoya's room and closing the door when both of his feet had already crossed the threshold.

"Was there a stupid king or was it just you on your good days?" Zoya said, picking up all the papers that had been scattered on the cold floor after her blow of fury every time she began to write the apology letters.

She was angry, very angry. So as soon as the door of her room closed behind her, she unleashed her power without control between those four walls, causing all her order to disappear.

All because of that stupid boy with the lopsided smile that often made her want punch it away. But later, when she remembered who he was and what could happen to her, her thoughts became only dreams. Dreams that she prayed she had instead of all the nightmares that tormented her at night.

"Are you here to seek your death or just to work to fix it?" The grisha lifted and leaned against her desk, folding her arms as her cold gaze settled on the king. "I can make it look like an accident, so don't provoke me."

"I missed you… the whole palace missed you." His voice trembled slightly and he looked down at the ground trying to avoid his gaze. "I was wondering if..."

"If I want to blow you out of my room? Yes." She answered drily, looking over the papers she had already picked and placed on the desk for later ordering. "I'll tell you two things Nikolai. First, this wedding is going to happen and I don't care that you've had a fever and your brain has switched into some selfish version of itself. And second, you're not fleeing this room until the last letter signed by your handwriting is finished."

"Understood."

It was going to be a very long day, extremely long.

—————

"Congratulations Zoya, thanks to you now my hand will fall off."

The last letter had already been enveloped and placed on the pile to Nikolai's right. His hand was certainly tired, but not to the point of falling. Despite Zoya's words, she had also written several letters. Probably more than him, because her pile was taller than the opponent's one. But she wasn't going to complain, they were doing all of this for Ravka.

"If you hadn't messed up the wedding this wouldn't be happening." A sigh escaped her lips, and Nikolai couldn't help but notice as his gaze landed on them. "Why Nikolai?"

The blond was so engrossed looking at her that it took him a while to react. He could blame exhaustion out loud, but he actually knew that the principal point of all the trouble he had caused was a certain general standing by his side; too close.

"Can't a king mess things up?" He asked as he stood up and stretched his limbs. Most of the candles had blown out on their own, and the room was lit only by the moon and a few candles that were about to follow the same path as the others.

"Yes, but not you." Zoya turned on her own chair to look at his face, feeling her heart clench as she saw his face lighted from the side by the moon. No, she couldn't think that. Only Ravka had to be in her mind. "We both know that what you've done is bad for Ravka, and you never do anything bad for your kingdom no matter the outcome. Why?"

Why? I don't know either, but I know it has to do with you. With your beautiful blue eyes, your long black hair, your bravery, your devotion to Ravka, your mask to hide what you really feel... You, you are the culprit, Nikolai thought before shaking his head from side to side. He couldn't, he couldn't say that. Not now.

"Are you so tired that you are speechless?" Zoya's cold voice brought him back to reality, to a reality where he had to think of an answer as fast as his brain could. "Nikolai, say it or I'll have to force it out of you."

"I just was thinking." It was true, but he didn't want to tell her in what. "Zoya... have you ever wondered what you would do if you weren't you?"

"If I wasn't me?" Nikolai's question surprised her. What would do if she wasn't her? What was he talking about? Not being a grisha, not being the general of the second army, not being part of that friendship between the two of them... He could refer to so many things with those words. "I would be a very famous thief, and I would have already stolen your crown and your Lantsov emerald. I would rule Ravka with an iron fist and use you as a footrest."

Small smiles appeared on the faces of them, it seemed that Zoya's anger had largely disappeared.

"I would be honored to hold your beautiful feets, moya tsaritsa." He told her making a little bow, very dramatic for Zoya's liking.

"I could get used to that." She stretched out slightly her legs, looking at him teasingly and then crossing them over each other again.

"To what? To be queen?" He crossed his arms with his typical smirk, pulling his chair closer to her and sitting on it. "I can fix it if that's your wish."

"Are you sure? You know of any son of the queen of Shu Han who is planning to kill their entire family so he could become king?"

"Shu Han? Why?" His lips curved down, trying to appear devastated by her teasing. He hoped that her words were just that, a simple joke.

"I've had enough of the Ravkans. They are…not tolerable." Her gaze settled on him, and a slight smile with which she showed her teeths made Nikolai feel like his skin melted with that look; his heart had already succumbed long ago.

"I hope I don't have to take that accusation personally." He got up again and turned around, approaching the map that was hung on the wall. He bordered with his fingers the ravkan frontier that adjoined the shu, soon he would have to see how that country returned to bring a princess to Ravka. "I would be at sea, but then I would settle somewhere far away from the coast." He watched Zoya's smile give way to doubt, so he decided to speak. "I know you're not interested, but you could have at least asked. It's called manners."

"It wasn't that." The grisha's hands groped for the glass that rested empty next to her, only a slight aroma remained of the brandy that had been in it before. "It amazes me that you, the great Sturmhond, decide at some point in your life to settle. And far away from your beloved sea, no less. Do you have fever?"

He don't have it. But if the desire to leave everything just to be with the person he loved could be called that... yes, he has it.

"The wedding may have made me sick." He laughed as he observed Zoya's incredulous look, it was funny to see how she got annoyed with him but at the same time tried to contain herself. Playing with the death was one of his favorite hobbies.

"What wedding Nikolai? The one that did you dream about?" Her arms crossed and she blew out a small sigh before picking up the kefta from the back of her seat and got up to put it away in her closet.

"Genya and David's one." He said following her with his eyes without missing any of her movements. "It was beautiful, I would say one of the best weddings I have ever seen."

The two were silent for a long time. Although they had started with jokes and little games, remember what had happened that fatal day brought them back to reality. They stopped being Sturmhond and a queen with a human footrest and became Nikolai Lantsov and Zoya Nazyalensky again.

"Come on, it's time." She said quickly trying to change the subject so she wouldn't break down. Zoya walked briskly towards her bedroom door and placed her hand on the knob. "I have to chain a king."

"You don't know how long I was waiting for hear that."

—————

You can read the second part here.

You can read the third part here.

You can read the fourth part here.

You can read the fifth part here.

#zoyalai #grishaverse #grisha #nikolai lantsov #zoya nazyalensky #leigh bardugo #shadow and bone #fanfic #queen zoya #zoya of the garden #zoya x nikolai

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finnicks · 6 months

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( fic ) i'm desperate for your adoration

i'm desperate for your adoration

grishaverse (nikolai series) | zoya/nikolai; mature, 500 words

"So, does this mean I get to be your dirty little secret?"

Nikolai's excited to be Queen Zoya's dirty little secret, but she has other plans for him.

#zoyalai #zoya x nikolai #nikolai x zoya #zoyalai fic #zoyalai fanfic #zoyalai fanfiction #zoyalaicentral #zoya nazyalensky x nikolai lantsov #nikolai lantsov x zoya nazyalensky #grishaverse fic #grishaverse fanfic #grishaversefanfiction #userjaded #my fic #*mine

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anabetel35 · 9 months

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The first chapter of my modern AU (queer platonic? romantic? How should I know?) Wywei Kuwei-centric Hanahaki fic is finished :DDD

It's 10,000-ish words as of now, and all that's written is just Kuwei's backstory, so I didn't get to write my favourite pyromaniacs wreak havoc on the world with a good portion of fluff and (possibly) even more angst on the side yet but soon! Soon they will be happy and they will be the best of friends!! And then they will... Be a bit less happy! And then they'll be happy again!!!

But for now, it's still in the process of being beta'd by my lovely lovely friend. I expect it to be up on Ao3 sometime tomorrow, though, so if you like Kuwei, it would be absolutely amazing if you could at least check it out :)

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aurorasnnsadprose · 10 months

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covered in you - chapter 12 out now!

sjajsjskal chapter 12 of my zoyalai fic is out im so stoked for u guys to read it!! the story is almost over and it is so bittersweet for me :,))

here’s the ao3 link:

#zoyalai #zoya nazyalensky #nikolai lantsov #zoyalai fanfic

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sophierequests · 1 year

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zoya nazyalensky

Navigation┃Main Masterlist┃Request

Angst: ☾ ┃ Fluff: ♡ ┃ Hurt/Comfort: ☆ ┃ Smut: ♤

“You are strong enough to survive the fall.”

oneshots

not how it was supposed to go (☆ / ♡) → Zoya's crush on the reader is becoming more and more obvious, how will she react when she sees them with another girl?

Maybe dumped wasn’t the right word for her current situation, since you two weren’t technically together. You had obvious chemistry, constantly flirting and spending time with each other, but none of you had yet dared to make the first move.

putty in your hands (♤ / ☆ / ♡) → When the new supposed Sun Summoner starts going on Zoya's nerves, the reader decides that it's time to cheer her up. But what happens when cheeky flirting turns into something more?

She sighed, eyeing you slowly, seemingly taking every inch of your body intently. Her eyes stopped as she met yours again. In the blink of an eye, you saw her face upside down, hovering over yours, never breaking eye contact.

the sun and her storm (☾) → The Apparat's cult is weird, but they wouldn't go as far as kidnapping the only known Sun Summoner, whilst knowing who their girlfriend is, would they?

The priest didn't budge from his spot, engaging in a tense conversation with Zoya, who was close to pushing him from his creaky wooden box. You didn't understand what they were saying, the casual chatter from the passing people overshadowing their talk.

i only want to be with you (♡) → After Genya's constant teasing reveals that the reader has a crush on somebody, Zoya gets slightly jealous.

A few weeks prior, you accidentally let it slip that you had a slight crush on a certain squaller, which seemed to not surprise your friend at all. Since then it became one of her most talked-about matters, effectively managing to drive you up against the wall. As soon as she realized that it wasn’t just a little innocent infatuation, but fully developed feelings towards your mutual friend, she didn’t want to let it go, constantly teasing or encouraging you to ask her out.

pages thumbed, heartstrings strummed(♡) → Zoya seems to be in the library more often than usual. What could be the reason for her sudden interest in the old tomes?

However, before you could even properly begin reading the book on amplifiers, you had planned on working through, the door opened again. A young woman with black hair and a blue kefta entered the room. You recognized her immediately.

the universe must have divined this (♡) → Zoya thinks the reader should dump her boyfriend.

At first, she considered leaving, knowing that she wouldn’t get any real chances to make a move on you. But when the friends you were currently with opted out to join the masses on the dance floor, you were left alone, still waiting for a man that wouldn’t show. Now it was her turn.

i don't need you (but oh i do) (☆ / ♡) → Zoya's and the reader's relationship is very unclear, causing her to deny even having feelings for her. When a certain Heartrender visits the Palace, things are bound to change.

"If you want me to." he smirked, "You're terribly tired because you didn't spend the night in your room. I knocked earlier and guess who I found inside? No one. I'm not quite sure whose room you slept in, but I think I have a sneaking suspicion of who it could be."

it's obvious i wanted to (☆) → Zoya can't admit that she likes the reader, and it starts getting difficult.

There was no point in denying that Zoya had developed feelings for you. No matter how hard she tried to push them away, to treat you just as a friend, she couldn’t deny that she liked you. Nikolai had already tried to convince her to confess at least a thousand times, but she knew that she wasn’t able to.

i'd marry you with paper rings (♡) -> Zoya and the reader recall some of the most important incidents in their relationship.

“Do you still remember the night when we first met?” you asked, looking down at Zoya, who was currently laying in your lap, absent-mindedly fiddling with the fabric of your skirt.

you drew stars around my scars, but now i'm bleeding (☆) → Memories of a long-lost relationship start to resurface.

Without giving yourself time to think, you pulled it out from underneath the clutter, absent-mindedly brushing the dirt off and letting your fingers run over the intricate silver embroideries around the collar. It was slightly damaged from being worn on the battlefield and during training, but that only made it more real. It was her kefta.

gift-giving (♡) → Zoya really isn't a holiday person.

Zoya wasn’t a holiday type of person. She didn’t do feasts, celebrations, dancing or gift-giving. She didn’t dress up, she didn’t decorate and she certainly wasn’t one to be jolly or merry. Not even after a Genya-induced drinking spree would she sink down to the level of celebrating Christmas of all things. At least that’s what she told herself.

i need you more than you can ever know (☆ / ♡) → After a figuring out that she has feelings for the reader, Zoya decides to distance herself from her and their friendship with benefits. When a sudden accident causes more hurt than good, she finally comes clean.

The relationship you had was entirely and strictly platonic. You were co-workers that occasionally slept together when they needed some form of release, and that was everything there was to it. Until it wasn’t.

headcanons

zoya nazyalensky x f!reader dating headcanons (♡)

zoya nazyalensky x bookworm!reader headcanons (♡)

queen!zoya x fjerdan!reader arranged marriage headcanons (♡)

zoya nazyalensky x f!reader marriage headcanons (♡)

#zoya x reader #zoya nazyalensky x reader #zoya nazyalensky #zoya nazyalensky smut #zoya nazyanelsky #grishaverse fanfic #grishaverse headcanons #grishaverse x reader #grisha #shadow and bone x reader #shadow and bone headcanon #shadow and bone imagine #netflix shadow and bone #shadow and bone

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sankttealeaf · 1 year

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longing stares (snippet)

indulging myself with my current grishaverse brainrot with some zoyalai for the soul <3 a sneak peak because this scene is one of my faves because they're being silly y'kno?? only context i'm giving is it's somewhere around the KoS timeline, maybe before the book. idk. they're in meetings a lot and nikolai is finding that some ravkan citizens' problems to be... not as important as some may think

₊ °✦ ‧ ‧ ₊ ˚✧

"Why is it that I get final say over who owns what land to raise cows on?" He asked, allowing himself a moment of relaxation and slumping back in his chair.

Zoya raised an eyebrow, setting down more paperwork for him to sort through. "Are you not having fun? Would you prefer it if they were fighting over something else?"

"I'd prefer it if they weren't fighting at all." He sat up, grabbing one of the top sheets of paper and frowning. "Where do you even find these people?"

"I have a long list of those who would make you suffer. This is hardly scratching the surface." She smiled, though Nikolai noticed instantly it was not one of sincerity. He didn't doubt that she had people ready to speak in front of the king, only to put him through more boredom and suffering. The mental note to not piss her off was always stuck on the forefront of Nikolai's mind. He underlined it a few times, just in case he ever forgot.

The paperwork was more of the same, people wanting to speak in front of the king to discuss issues, important issues surrounding land ownership and trade routes and complaints that the sun was too hot. Not wanting to ignore his people's issues, Nikolai indulged a few of them, and at the start it was useful. Now it felt like it was getting ridiculous.

"Several complaints about the lack of water in one of the rivers flowing through a nearby town…" Nikolai paused in thought, watching as Zoya leaned against the table, an eyebrow raised. He pushed the sheets of paper towards her. "I feel that is an issue more suited for the Triumvirate to discuss, don't you?"

She picked up the papers, giving them a once over and shrugging. "I suppose I can take away some valuable Tidemakers to sort out an issue sent directly to you."

"How kind of you. Ravka thanks you for your service."

#; tealeaf's wips #grishaverse #nikolai lantsov #zoya nazyalensky #zoyalai #shadow and bone #king of scars #nikolai lantsov x zoya nazyalensky #grishaverse fanfic

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d1stract-and-daydream · 1 year

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MY LITTLE INFERNI (NIKOLAI LANTSOV X OC)

WC: 2.6k

Summary: Nikolai re-reads Dasha's letter to reminisce, but the nichevo'ya in him had other plans.

Warning: No warnings.

CHAPTER 2: HOME

Nikolai,

I’m sure by now you’ve heard of my assignment in Fjerda. I don’t want this to be a winding eulogy of our friendship, but—a king and a witch, surely that warrants at least a couple of them?

I jest.

Nikolai grins, thinking back to the fairy tales he had read when he was a child. Surely there was one of a demon king and his fire-witch that didn't end in a tragedy?

Your highness, I still look back to the first time I bumped into you .

How could someone have that much energy within them? You reminded me of a ball of star, constantly writhing, and I never knew when you were about to explode.

He rolls his eyes. Dasha and her obsession with stars. This isn’t even a good metaphor. He’d described himself more like the sun. Brilliant and strong—as a King, and as Sturmhond.

You reminded me so much of Stepan—bless his dear self—wild, resourceful, always knowing what to do. Sure, I disagree with several choices you’ve made before, but I admire you for springing into action when it calls for instead of being rooted on the ground. Thank you for pulling me off my feet when I was stuck. May you do the same to Ravka.

I know everything has its ups and downs, even our friendship. I find that none of it matters now, so I’d hope you’ve forgiven my blunders as I do yours. When I think of you, I only feel warmth, Nikolai.

He feels the same way. He realised that he never once told her how he cares. Their friendship was built on quiet moments and acts of service, so he didn’t think he needed to say it out loud.

In the end, I could not work myself up to tell you how much I care about you. It was stupid of me to rely on unspoken moments; to think you can figure out the words I could not say. I think of all the times I wanted to touch you, hold you in ways friends don’t normally do, and I laugh at how puerile it all sounds. As if every girl in the kingdom hasn’t already thought the same.

There was a time where he wanted to do the same thing, perhaps he still does. It’s just—he grew up with her. She had been there for him for so long; he didn’t know if it was simply adoration or something deeper than that.

I will do my best to serve Ravka and its king, so don’t even think of worrying about me—I can already imagine your eyebrows knitting together. I have the honour of Zoya as my mentor (don’t tell her I said this) and remember that time I almost incinerated the forest near that lake? I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself, so I hope you do the same.

Yours truly,

Dash.

Nikolai had reread the letter Dasha left him a handful of times now, the wrinkled edges proof of it. He had no idea that Zoya had given her the assignment to begin with, and if he had any say in it, he would not have signed her off to wager her life in Fjerda. Or maybe he would. He is a king first—foolish man second.

“Why was I not informed of this?” he asked Zoya the day he found the letter left on his work desk.

“I didn’t know I had to, moi tsar. Dasha is only there as a dormant agent, if that’s any consolation.”

It’s not.

Nikolai paced the floors of his chambers, and Zoya studied him, confused. Her mouth opened and closed several times to say something but failed to. Her question lingered in the air. Nikolai rested his hands on his desk and eyed the opened letter again, gaze falling on Dasha’s signature.

“She’s my oldest friend, Zoya. I hold her very dear to my heart, and it—it’ll kill me if—” he hesitated to say the rest of it. What could he have said, anyway? That it’ll kill him if he lost her? He already did, the moment he chose to push her away. He tells himself that it was the guilt. The morning of the first incident, when he found out that he could’ve killed you while you were asleep, it terrified him more than having that nichevo’ya in him. “If you think you did what you thought was right, then I’ll not press any further.” King first, man second.

“I’m sure of it,Nikolai.She’s our best inferni.”

Nikolai looked her in the eyes, a slight nod to dismiss her. For Ravka, he reminded himself. And every time he did, the ball in the pit of his stomach grew.

“Are you ready, your highness?” Zoya called from outside his bedchambers, pulling him back to the present. Nikolai folded the letter neatly into its envelope and tucked it safely in his nightstand under the books and paper of its first drawer.

“Come in, Nazyalensky,” Nikolai summoned her, stretching and massaging the knot out from his back. Zoya enters, the chains dangling from her arms, a necessary means to an end. So far,the demon has only ever killed livestock, but he lives in fear of the day it decides to take human lives. This is why precautions had to be taken.

“Have you thought about what I said?” she asks, while untangling the chains.

“You’ve said a lot of things, Nazyalensky. I need you to be more specific.”

Zoya rolls her eyes.As if it’s not the one topic Nikolai had been avoiding since she first brought it up.

“Marriage, Nikolai. Setting up your roots as the ruler of Ravka. Producing an heir—”

“I think you’re getting a little too ahead of yourself,Zoya.”

Zoya fastens the shackles over his left hands,frown apparent in her face.

“Well,” she pulls the chains to his right , “forgive me for thinking of the country and doing my job as the general you appointed.”

Nikolai flashed her that boyish grin famous for melting the hearts of many.

“And thank you for that. But I think there’s more pressing matters right now than getting hitched with someone I barely know, don’t you?” Nikolai quips, head tilting as he motioned towards himself.

“I don’t think anyone wants to be with a monster, even if it comes in pretty packaging.”

Zoya snorted. Nikolai laughs and hopes Zoya will forget about it. He doesn't feel like planning that far ahead when something so dark lives within him.

“How does it feel?” Zoya asked,taking a seat at the edge of his bed. She eyed him, waiting for an answer. Nikolai’s head tilts, beckoning her to elaborate. “You know,” she continues, straightening the nonexistent wrinkle of his bedspread, hoping it’ll disperse the weight of her upcoming question, “with the creature inside of you, how do you deal with it?”

“Oh,” the corners of his mouth twisted in consideration, his mind trying to fish for the right words to explain it to her. “It’s like having someone else sharing my body with me. Losing time. An unwelcome guest prying and muddling every thought I have.”

“Can it affect your actions?”

“Not when I’m conscious.”

Zoya hummed, a little relieved at his answer. She won’t say it, but it’s not easy to put trust in a king that does not have control of his own mind and body. Nikolai understands her reasons even if she chose not to tell him. If he were her, he wouldn’t be able to trust a possessed king either.

“Any other questions,Nazyalensky?” Nikolai questioned. He could at least try to settle Zoya’s unrest if he can’t be the king she thought he’d be.

“Does it speak to you?”

“Sometimes.”

Zoya’s eyes widened. She hadn’t guessed that Nikolai was that close to the creature. Her theory was that they were two different entities, and one is only up if the other is asleep. She’d heard stories of something happening like that passed down from her seniors, someone who was not in total control of themselves. It sounds terrifying, but it made her look at Nikolai in another light. She respected him,looked up to him as her king, but now—looking at Nikolai so helpless against the one thing the Darkling should’ve taken with him when he dies—it feels foreign to admit that she cared about him.

Nikolai’s eyes droop, his mind straining to stay awake. Zoya takes this as a sign for her to leave.”You’re still Ravka’s king, Nikolai. As long as you do whatever you think is best for the country, I will be fighting next to you. And if you want to find yourself a bride, then I’ll be there to help you.”

“I appreciate the elaborate speech, Zoya, but that won’t top my list anytime soon.” Nikolai states, his words slurring like he’d had a glass too many kvas.

Zoya stood,dusting her hands on her Kefta. “Fine,” she turns to leave, “What about Hiram Schenk’s—”

“Goodnight,Zoya.”

Zoya presses her lips and lower her head to bid him goodnight. She’ll just have to bring it up to him another time,then.

***

Home.

Nikolai wakes from his slumber to find out that it’s still dark. What time is it? He scans his chambers to find out that he was not in it at all. He’s not even in the palace, in fact, he’s way up in the air because he can feel the wind slapping him in his face. Panic starts setting in when he finds out that he was not in control of his body, and the demon had essentially taken over while he was sleeping, but what had changed? He had never been conscious enough to see himself flying this clearly before. Something must have prompted it to behave this way. Was it running away? Going somewhere?

Home, the creature muttered, and he hadn’t expected a response so clear from it, as if the creature was speaking to him—as if they were two separate entities that did not share a body. Nikolai didn’t understand what it meant by home, and is hesitant to push for more in case it’ll shut him down completely. He wanted to use this change as an opportunity to learn more about it, maybe learn how to rid it off of him. The creature sensed Nikolai’s plans and snarled, spraying the sky with thick slobber. Nikolai knew why it was angry, of course—they share the same body, so he tries to keep himself from making any plans to get rid of the pilot while he’s still the passenger, because if they crash, he would hate waking up in the morning. Or worse, not waking up at all.

***

“Zoya, the king had escaped again.”

Zoya stood,putting down her cup of tea so quickly on her table that the clinking reverberated in her skull. She saunters to her bed and picks up her Kefta ,hastily changing from her night robe so she could join Tamar to go look for Nikolai.

“Where is he headed?” she asks, while they sprint to the carriage Tamar had prepared as soon as she notices the king missing from his bed.

“North,” Tamar replied,her hands on her axe. They entered the carriage with Tolya as their coach and rushed north,eyes scanning the night sky for any black winged figure. Since Nikolai entrusted his secrets to only members of the Triumvirate plus Tamar and Tolya, they had to make do with their limited number of hands.

The outlines of Os Alta were barely fading when they caught sight of Nikolai zipping through the clouds. It almost seems like the creature had a set destination it was flying to, its pace unforgiving .

“We need to stop it,” Tamar yells, the sound of hoof beating ground and air passing the carriage too loud for both of them to hear perfectly. “He’s heading to Tsibeya. If he continues further, it’ll be harder to lasso him in without having to worry about Druskelle.”

Zoya nodded. It does seem like the creature was heading to the permafrost, maybe even further. She doesn’t want to think about what they’ll have to do if it enters Fjerda, so she pushes herself out of the carriage, using the wind to carry her up to the same eye level as Nikolai. She had had flying practice before, but it’s still too risky to do because there are too many variables to consider when you’re up that high, but she had no other choice.

The creature felt another presence intruding on it and turned to find Zoya zoning in . It screeched and darted towards Zoya, head-butting, knocking her down. Zoya managed to summon a cushion of air before she fell and used it to levitate. She focused her left hands on it, creating a pulse strong enough to knock the creature down from the sky.

It shrieked before losing consciousness, hurtling to the ground at maximum speed. Zoya softened the fall with her powers, Tamar and Tolya behind her, ready to chain it before it woke up and try to fly away again. They decide not to when they sees Nikolai lying there, his dirt-smeared face looking peaceful,like he was asleep in his own chambers. Zoya whispered a quiet apology when she sees bruises blooming on his skin predominantly on his left torso where her air pulse had hit him.

She nudged his shoulders to wake him as it’ll be easier to bring him home if they didn’t have to carry him. Zoya supposed she could hover him in the air if she wanted to, but she was tired, her body sore from getting hit.

“Zoya?” Nikolai called, slowly gaining consciousness. Zoya was about to explain what had happened, when he continued, “I was there,Zoya. I saw it.”

***

“When you say you were there,” Zoya starts, asking Nikolai for more explanation. They had begun their journey back to Os Alta before the sun started to rise. Better to reach home while it’s still dark, or else people will start talking. There were already words of the King of Ravka being possessed, so Nikolai and his confidantes tried their best to keep his transformations hush.

Tamar sits next to her, her eyes first on Nikolai, then Zoya. She’s equally confused, just sitting there and hoping her friends will fill her in.

"I mean I was there. A passenger in my own body. I woke up from sleep and all I could do was sit back and watch." Nikolai explained, jittery , and Zoya raised her eyebrow because it seemed like he was excited about the whole ordeal. She shoots Tamar a look , a silent question , asking her is he losing his mind?

Tamar shrugged, she doesn't mind as long as he comes back in one piece. He'd done crazier things as Sturmhond, so Tamar and Tolya have kind of expected it as one of Nikolai's inborn quirk.

"Nikolai, where was it going? Tamar says you're heading straight to Fjerda with no plans of stopping." Zoya states, her gaze intent on him, wanting him to give her a direct answer.

"Did it say something to you,your highness? Any clue as to how we could get rid of it?" Tamar continued .

Nikolai turns to look outside, watching as the trees pass by like a blur. He had a theory as to why it was headed North, but he’s not so sure about it. For all he knows, the creature plans to surrender him to the Fjerdan monarchy. That doesn’t explain why it was intent on going ‘home’ though.

“I don’t know where it was going. I only know that it wants to go home, and home is somewhere in Fjerda.”

Chapter 1

AO3

#grishaverse #nikolai lantsov #nikolai lantsovxoc #zoya nazyalensky #tamar kir bataar #original character #friends to lovers #ao3 fanfic #eventual smut #eventual romance #sobachka #kingofscars #shadow and bone netflix

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sissytobitch10seconds · 2 months

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Febuwhump 26: Tear Myself Apart

Fandom: Grishaverse: Six of Crows and Shadow and Bone Summary: Nina would do just about anything to protect what she sees to be hers. Warnings: Major character injury, war, graphic depictions of violence, and implied character death Word Count: 3,585 Ship(s): Matthias Helvar/Nina Zenik/Inej Ghafa/Kaz Brekker/Wylan Van Eck/Jesper Fahey

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“Nina! You have to help them!”

Zoya’s voice ripped through her mind in a matter of seconds. She had been standing on the edge of the sick tent with her entire body frozen in place. It was like a vine had wormed its way around her ankle and over the rest of her leg to keep her in place, she physically hadn’t been able to make herself move. The only thing that she could do was stare directly ahead at the mess of bloodied, beaten bodies that were crowded around the cots.

She had known that this was what she was going to be getting into when she signed up for this. She had to remind herself that this was what war really looked like, not the paintings that they were shown when they were walking through the halls of their school. There was going to be no firebird flying over the dead bodies of the Fjerdans that had tried to attack the village on the edge of their borders. There was going to be no saint that would come by and touch them to heal their wounds so they could fight again.

She had to be the thing that put these people back together, even if they were all her partners.

The voice snapped through her body so that she was suddenly in motion. There would be no stopping her until the task was done once she had gotten moving. Zoya knew that, which was why she had snapped at her in that way anyways. It was the reason that Nina and Zoya had been able to work together better than Nina had with Genya.

She stepped up to the first cot and then grabbed the kit that was offered to her by one of the students. She tried not to pay attention to the way that Inej’s brow was placid but the rest of her face was contorted in pain. She carried every inch of burn and hurt in the way that her eyes scrunched shut and how her jaw became clenched tightly. “I’m here, love, you’re going to be okay,” Nina said, but even she didn’t believe it. The waver in her voice was stronger than the shaking of her left hand, the one holding the kit.

Nina set the medical supplies that she needed down on the bed and then closed the kit so that she could drop it down next to her feet. She reached down to Inej’s shirt and lifted it up so that she could see the grizzle wound leaking blood all over the bedding she was on top of. It was a stab wound about as long as Nina’s finger and piercing all the way down to the bone within. That wasn’t something that they saw commonly with the Druskelle, not since they had developed the smoke bombs that obscured vision enough that they could shoot without hindrance.

She knew how to deal with knife wounds regardless since blades were still favored by the Kaelish and the Shu, however. She reached for the water bottle that she was offered and then used it to douse the sterile gauze she had pulled from the packet. She then swiped it over Inej’s torso to get rid of some of the blood, so that she could better assess the wound. When Nina was finally able to see it, she had to wonder if the Shu were actually working together with the Fjerdans because no cut that clean could have come from a Druskelle.

The thought crossed her mind as quickly as it left and she was refocused back on getting her girlfriend into living condition. “I don’t have anything to pack it with for the pain,” Nina called into the tent, only to be ignored. She had always heard of people running out of things to help medically, but she had supposed that pain medication was going to be one of those thins that was used with a bit more forethought. It turned out that she had a lot more to learn about warfare than she had originally thought.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” she whispered as she plunged her fingers down into the wound in Inej’s side. She had to close her eyes in the attempts to block out the scream that the other woman let out. She knew that the nerves were already on fire, she could feel the signals that they were sending up to Inej’s brain to let her knew that what was happening shouldn’t have been. There was nothing that she could do, though, not if she wanted the other woman to live.

Nina traced her fingers along the base of the skin on the other side of the cut so that they knit themselves back together to become one. They would scar and be very ugly, but at least the veins there had stopped bleeding. She had to slowly draw her fingers back up until she had gotten about half of the blood vessels and other severed items pushed back together.

She felt a pair of hands grasp her shoulders and then shove her out of the way with a single swift movement. “Zoya!” she squawked when she saw that it was the very same mentor that had told her to do this in the first place. She hadn’t wanted to plunge her own fingers that deep into her girlfriend, to know what Inej’s life force felt like most intimately, but she had anyway. Fury was rushing through her now that she was distracted from her work. She knew that almost none of it had anything to do with Zoya and what she was doing but rather with what she had been forced to do. Her hands were slick with Inej’s blood and her girlfriend’s cries of pain were still ringing loud in her ears.

“You’re too slow, move onto someone else so that Ghafa doesn’t die,” Zoya replied.

Nina opened her mouth to argue but clamped it shut. She as petulant and a bit of brat, difficult to work with because of her arrogance about her own abilities. She knew that now wasn’t the time to let that part of her personality shine through. She had been given an order from a superior officer during a time of crises, so she had to follow it. Zoya was also originally in the same order as Inej, so the two of them had more things connecting them together on a comfort level than Nina did. She was only a Grisha and dating the other girl, not a Squaller and a Suli woman.

She turned on her heel and then moved onto the next cot. Wylan was sitting up and grasped the bottom of his leg, which was coated with a thick white pigment that she had never seen before. “What happened?” she asked as she looked him over. She reached for the medical kit that had already been placed at the end of the bed just so that she would have something to do.

“I- one of the bombs that I made misfired and it got all over me. This stuff is kind of like napalm, I’m terrified it’s going to go off and start eating through my skin,” his voice was shaky and scared as he spoke. His entire body was quivering with the force of his fear, but his hands were steadfastly in the same place that they had been before. Nina was able to see after a moment that he was keeping it in place with his powers, pushing it back and down every time the throbbing material tried to get further up his skin.

“How do we get rid of it?” she asked. She held out a gloved hand, one of the garments made with the rubber material that was supposed to be disposable and far more sterile than cloth, towards him.

Wylan yanked himself back and shook his head. “I need Kuwei or Jesper to help me. Kuwei knows how to burn it off without burning my skin and Jesper has been helping me make it in the lab, so he knows how it works. Now you have to leave me alone, I really need to focus on this.”

She opened her mouth once more to object, but she found that there was nothing she could say that wouldn’t make her seem like a child that was throwing a fit. Wylan knew best what was going to help him with the specific problem that he had accidentally created because he was one of two people that really knew how it worked. Despite how much she wanted to be able to alleviate the pain that was plaguing him, she knew that she was one again useless.

The best thing that she could do was move onto the next partner, who was on the other cot next to Wylan. She carried the medical kit with her as she tried to keep her tears inside of her eyes. The last thing any of them needed was for her to be crying when she was trying to mend them, not only because it was unsanitary but because it would upset them when they were already in so much pain.

Matthias was hunched up on the cot, one of his hands nestled against his chest. She could see that he was slowly drawing the water in the air towards the end that was holding his arm so that he could cool down the wound and ease some of the pain. “What happened?” she asked as she began to unpack the medical kit.

She nearly jumped out of her skin when she heard Trassel give a rough noise from underneath the bed. The Isenulf had been Matthias’ most trusted companion since he had arrived at the Little Palace a couple of years ago. The poor wolf had blood caked into the white fur around his maw and was cradling his own foot close to his body. She was going to have to get a look at him as soon as she had stopped the other Grisha from dying.

“I got bit by one of the Isenulf,” Matthias bit out. He turned so that he was facing towards her, offering his arm out to her. The blood had streaked on his white shirt, his blue kefta hanging open to reveal the peasant roughspun underneath that had been damaged from the fighting. She noticed that he hadn’t moved the hand that was supporting his arm, likely to continue to do his trick to dull the pain. She had seen him do it with wounds that were far smaller back when they were training.

“Right,” she nodded. She sat down on the edge of the bed and then placed his arm down into her lap so that she could examine the wound a bit closer. She had to brush her fingers over every single individual tooth mark so that she could make sure none of the bone had chipped off and wormed its way into the flesh where she couldn’t see. Then she had to do it again so that she could draw out the infected blood which carried more white than red blood cells. She had never been officially trained as a healer, she only had the cross training that all Heartrenders got now that Queen Alina had changed the way that the Second Army worked.

She had been so focused on the work that she was doing, trying to get the wound healed while using her spare hand to numb the nerves further up his arm, that she hadn’t noticed the commotion outside the tent. “Nina! We need you over here!” Fedyor called as he walked in with a very unconscious, very limp Kaz in his arm.

She sprang from the bed, forgetting that she had been holding onto Matthias’ arm. The infection was only half out and there was a lot more work that had to be done, but she could already see the way that Kaz’s leg was contorted in a shape it never should have been. He already had problems with his joints at time, so this was very bad.

Guilt washed over her like the waves of an enraged ocean sinking a Druskelle ship when she heard the grunted noise of pain Matthias released. She collapsed back down onto the bed beside him and reached out for her powers again. She felt like she was digging into the dirt to get to the water of her power, like the well had gone dry and she was pulling from the spring next to it that was far less refined. She could do it, but it took so much more energy than it had originally.

“Lay him down on the bed and I’ll get to him when I’m finished with Matthias,” she said. The words felt like she was leaving her boyfriend to die, but she knew that if she didn’t help Matthias then there was a chance that he was going to be far more hurt than he already was.

“What’s wrong with him?” Fedyor asked.

“He has a wolf bite. I’ve already got a bit of the infection out,” she explained. She didn’t know what kind of sick bastard would actively coat their wolf’s teeth in poison so that when they bit, they tore the skin and tainted the blood at the same time. She had to get it out of him before it spread further and he had to spend months fighting it off, even with the help of a proper Healer.

“That’s way to refined for you. Switch with me,” Fedyor said.

Nina tried not to show on her face how much this was affecting her. She knew that she wasn’t the most skilled when it came to her powers, but she was better than some yearling. She could kill someone or manipulate their very glans after only briefly seeing them on the battlefield. But none of that mattered when she was supposed to be a spy, when she was supposed to be able to heal the people she was with that got hurt or change their appearances so they didn’t get caught again.

She didn’t have to skill to do any of those things, so when she was in that situation she was shipped between things that she would do mediocrely until someone that was better came to take over. It was exactly what was happening now, but she was also having to deal with the fact that it was her partners that she was failing to save.

Instead of focusing more on the brutal feelings that were eating her from the inside out, battling with the exhaustion from focusing on something that hard, she rose and walked over to Kaz. “I’m going to touch you,” she told him plainly as she reached down and then shucked off his trousers. She would have cut them, but she didn’t want to waist time trying to find a knife so that she could get at his lower leg. She placed both of her hands on him, one over his ankle and the other on his knee.

A massive burst of power was going to be required to help him. She could feel where the bone had split down the middle, which would account for the strange shape. It had cut through some of the muscle and tendons, but it had also splintered and then sliced through the nerves next to his knee. “Kaz, hold still,” she instructed. He gave her a shaky nod and then moved his glassy brown eyes to stare up at the ceiling. She saw his gloved hands move down to the bed beside him, clenching at the stained sheets so that he could deal with the pain.

She scraped lower into the water beside the well as she pulled mud filled bucket after mud filled bucket up to the surface. It wasn’t as good as a Healer, but it was enough that she would be able to stop the wound from worsening at least a little bit.

She pushed down with the handle on his ankle and up with the hand on his knee so that the bone got back into place. She sped up some of the healing so that she didn’t have to set it. He wouldn’t be able to put a single bit of pressure on the appendage until they got it healed the rest of the way, though. She then began to work on searching for the bone, before she felt another person bump her out of the way.

Outside of being hurtful, being shuffled from job to job was also becoming annoying. If she could just focus on one person then she wouldn't have to wrack her mind for something that she hadn’t learned enough of every single time. Her powers were draining her, in addition to having to figure out a new thing every time she moved to another cot.

There was absolutely no arguing with Ivan, though. He barely spoke since he came back from working for the Darkling, many years ago, but he was still just as powerful without any of his words. Nina dropped her hands from Kaz’s leg and then made her way over to the last cot. She saw that Jesper was laying there, his face contorted with pain and his hand over his shoulder.

“What happened?” she asked as she reached for the medical pack on the ground.

“I got shot,” he ground out. “And as much as I would love to flirt with you while you stitch me up, I can’t get this blasted bullet out.”

“I’m a Heartrender, I’m here to help you, not to flirt,” she retorted. She would have thought that Jesper, of all of her partners and mentors, would have been the one to trust her abilities. He had in the past, when they were sneaking into homes to steal Grisha children before they could be murdered or seducing their way into the homes of upper class Kerch Merchants.

She batted his hands away with one of her own and then placed it over his shoulder. She could feel the cold iron sunk low in his heated skin, around the blood. It was a familiar sensation due to the amount of the metal that was already in someone’s blood, but it was such a concentrated version of it that she wasn’t going to be able to draw it out herself. She focused instead on the structures around it, what it had cut. She used the broken tendons and nerves to pass the bullet slowly up and out of his flesh.

It was something that she had only ever heard about, never seen it done before. She knew that it took the utmost focus and deliberate movements, something that she had always struggled with. She could vaguely hear Jesper shouting and screaming as she played with the parts of his body to draw out the bullet, but she wouldn’t let herself fully acknowledge them. If she broke her focus then it would recede back into him and all of the progress that she had just managed would be gone.

She felt a hand on her wrist just as she got the bullet out, and then she was pushed away from him. Her hands were coated in the blood of four people that she loved with the last now struggling so badly that his entire body was shaking to try and keep the poison in place. Nina turned around and looked over the tent, trying to assess where she was most needed.

There was nowhere. Each bed had someone that was more capable than her, more tender than her, caring for her partners. She was useless when she was in there, so she had to leave so that she could find a better place to put herself to use. The battle was still waging outside of the healers tent, which was something that Nina could actually handle. She could feel the glowing exhaustion that came with over using her powers pulling at her but she ignored it. She had other things to do, this wasn’t something that she could be anything but exceptional at.

People were swarming around each other as they tossed down Fjerdans with wind, water, and huge arcs of fire. She could see Heartrenders in the distance bringing others to their knees or healing the people that they could see. Even the Durasts and the Alkemi were using the earth and bombs to take down some of the forces.

Nina charged into battle without a second thought. She could see a group of Druskelle with their fearsome battle horses coming up around the back of the group that was fighting alongside the General, so she brought her hands up and stopped the animal’s heart. She felt bad for having to do so, but there was no other way that she could save the lives of her friends.

“Get the witch!” the commander shouted as he got off of the beast that he had been riding, pointing towards her. Nina placed her hands out in front of her body just as her eyes began to sag. She tried to push back the waves of black that were threatening to overcome her, to cling to the last bit of energy that she had, but there was nothing.

She felt the hands of the Druskelle taking hold of her before everything faded out.

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