#with the cosmic family that Hates Sam Winchester

[musclesandhammering]

Spn Opinions That’ll Have Me Burned at the Stake Pt. 2: Electric Boogaloo

I’m back and bitchier than ever. For reference, here’s part 1.

• Season 5 wasn’t that great.

• D*stiel isn’t real, it’s a sucky ship, and that confession scene was just the writers pandering to the rabid deancas fans cause they knew they were the only ones still watching the show lol. And they left it ambiguous enough that they could still say it was meant platonically if they needed to.

• I hate how they watered down both angels and demons post-season 5ish.

• I liked Ruby 1.0 better than Ruby 2.0.

• I hate Honey!Cas. They just did that cause they didn’t know where to take his story from there, needed him out of the way, and thought it would be funny. It was insulting.

• Jack should’ve been played by an actual child so everyone’s abuse of him would resonate with the audience for what it was (casual fans are brain dead and need to be spoon fed).

• Victor Henrikson deserved more time on the show.

• I said it in the last post, but Alex is way more interesting than Claire and should’ve been given the lead role in the wayward sisters storyline instead.

• Dean is canonically straight and for Christ sake if you guys wanted bi rep, there’s about a thousand other characters that are strongly coded or implied to be bisexual (including Sam!) but y’all didn’t focus on them because it wasn’t actually about representation, it was about making it more plausible for your dumb fetishised gay ship to actually happen (spoiler: it didn’t).

• Season 3 and Season 6 were some of the best ones, you guys just don’t have any taste.

• Claire is not Castiel’s daughter and saying she is erases Jimmy and insults her, and even Cas himself acknowledged that on the show.

• Castiel is canonically NOT gay and Misha constantly saying he is is annoying and airheaded. He’s been attracted to women IN THE SHOW and he’s not even really male, so calling him a Gay Man is reductive and just plain wrong. Also, it’s veeery sus that- given how bi/pan folks are even more underrepresented than gay people- that one of the rare times where the bi/pan label actually fits a character BETTER in CANON……. the allies and monosexuals adamantly reject it. Hm.

• “Curing” vampires or werewolves or demons shouldn’t have been a thing.

• The Winchesters cause most of the bad shit that happens and then they just force supernatural beings to fix it for them- tell me again how they’re Super Special Heroes.

• It shouldn’t be possible to make angels human by removing their grace, because (unlike demons, werewolves, etc) they were never human to start with. If you drained me of all my blood, I wouldn’t magically transform into another species, I’d fucking die.

• Making Billie go crazy was dumb.

• Rowena was one of the most interesting and charismatic characters on the whole show- they just didn’t know what to do with her character.

• The archangels, Lilith, and Azazel should’ve been the biggest threats on the show. No other knights of hell, no god and his sister, no Cain, nothing like that. Having every villain just get progressively more overpowered made the show unbelievable and repetitive and annoying.

• The kernel sanders king of hell guy was hot.

• Dean is misogynistic as HELL, homophobic, likes racist porn, is a narcissist, pervs on teen girls, & thinks all non-human people should be exterminated… and that is all CANON.

• Most of John Winchester’s abuse is fanon.

• Fans portraying Cas as a smol bby who colours in colouring books and has a bee plushie is so fucking annoying.

• Instead of having so many gigantic cosmic storylines with god and his sister and alternate dimensions and even the angel and demon tablets, they should’ve just scrapped those and made the stein family and the bmol and the alpha vampire storylines way bigger than they were. Less cosmic stuff, more earth-based stuff.

• They ruined Lucifer’s character post-season 5. Before that, he was more sympathetic and reasonable than Michael. After, he was a spoiled child hurting people for fun.

• Everything from season 7 on is garbage. All of it. There’s bits of goodness here and there but overall seasons 7-15 are trash.

• How the fuck are there actual people who are deangirls and hate Sam?? The space where your brain should be is empty, I swear to god.

• If there was gonna be any lgbt rep in the Wayward Sisters group, it should’ve been Jody and Donna instead of Claire and Kaia. Those two were boring as hell and had zero chemistry or build-up, but Jody/Donna had plenty of chemistry and was very believable.

• Meg has the best and most realistic redemption arc of anyone on the show.

• Chuck was not likeable or charismatic enough to carry off as big of a villain arc as they gave him. Also that whole thing was stupid and WAY too Out There.

• All the angels should’ve been aroace. All the demons should’ve been pan.

• I stanned Cole so hard up until he changed his mind about hating Dean. That was disappointing.

• Sam went through the same shitty childhood Dean did (plus Bonus Abuse on top of it) and he didn’t turn out Like That.

• I cannot think of a single person that was asking for a spin-off about the Winchester family, like that has to be the most boring thing.

#unpopular opinion #unpopular supernatural opinions #spn unpopular opinions #spn #supernatural #anti dean winchester #Dean winchester critical #dean critical #supernatural wank #fandom wank #castiel #sam winchester #anti destiel #anti destihellers #Misha Collins criticism

[walker-extended-universe]

(Don't) Jump

Relationship(s): Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester & Cordell Walker, Cordell Walker & Sam Winchester, Adam Milligan & Cordell Walker, Lucifer & Michael

Tags/Warnings: Episode: S05E22 Swan Song, Stopping the Apocalypse, Self-Sacrifice, Desperation, Grief/Mourning, Angst, Hurt No Comfort

Summary: Gabriel senses the oncoming apocalypse and decides to quit being a coward. He brings Cordell along with him.

Part 5 of Henry Winchester 'Verse

Written for @angstober Day 21- Can't Save Everyone

Taglist: @theladywyn, @ihavepointysticks, @klaatu51, @itsjessiegirl1, @neptunium134

-------

It’s happening.

Cordell’s hands paused over the keyboard of his laptop. “What’s happening?”

The prizefight. Our brothers fighting over the planet, over paradise. It’s coming soon. I can feel it.

Cordell sighed. He’d known this day would come, but he’d foolishly hoped Sam and Dean would do something about it before it became a problem. “What do we do? Start prepping for the end?”

I can’t believe I’m suggesting this but… There might be another way.

“What? Like we go there and try to talk them out of it?”

It’s worth a try. Maybe it’s time we quit running from all this family stuff.

Cordell shook his head. “Do you really think that will work? That we can just stop the apocalypse if we ask nicely? I thought everyone up in Heaven and down in Hell wanted this….” He wasn’t sure what was left of their brotherly bonds would be enough to stop the will of cosmic forces.

We have to try, don’t we?

He wasn’t wrong about that. “Okay. Just- Let me tell Emily first. Just in case.” Just in case they didn’t come back. Just in case something went wrong. Just in case Gabriel was wrong about everything. They needed to be ready.

—-------

Lucifer and Michael stood in Stull Cemetery, ready for the final showdown. Neither of them truly wanted to do this- they were brothers, after all- but they had no choice. It was the way the story was written. It was fate, plain and simple.

Fate did not involve Dean Winchester rolling up to the site of the battle blasting his rock and roll. Nor did it involve their wayward brother Gabriel appearing in the nick of time.

“It’s been some time, little brother,” Michael greeted.

“I thought I killed you,” said Lucifer.

“Gabriel?! Why the fuck are you wearing my brother?!” demanded Dean.

Gabriel sighed. “Okay, in order. One, I’ve been a lot of places, Michael. Made lots of interesting friends too. Two, Lucifer, you are not the only person who’s taught me tricks. I’ve evolved since you left. And three, I’m wearing him because I needed a place to hide and he consented to it. Now, let’s talk Apocalypse. Or, rather, why we shouldn’t be doing this whole mess.”

Michael scoffed. “Gabriel, with all due respect, you abandoned Heaven eons ago. You don’t have a right to try interfering now. You lost that ability when you ran away.”

“And if you try to argue that you’re doing this to save human lives, let me remind you that you tried to kill me not too long ago,” Lucifer hissed. “How could you value these disgusting creatures over your own brother?”

“See, this is why I left Heaven; you asshats never let me talk,” Gabriel grumbled. “Alright, I admit I haven’t exactly been the most responsible archangel. I’ll own that. I’m an asshole. I’m lazy. I’m a coward. I run away from my problems and get my kick out of punishing people that I think deserve it based on my own metrics.”

“At least he admits it,” Dean muttered.

“Shut it, Winchester, adults are talking. Now, where was I? Oh, right. Now, I know I’m not the most responsible being in the universe but you know who’s even worse about that? God. He’s the one that fucked off ages ago and left you to run Heaven on your own. And you still want to play along with his little story when He’s not even around to watch it go down? Come on, Lucy, you’ve gotta hate that plan more than I do.”

“He will come back when we bring Paradise,” Michael said, ever the practical one.

“You say that like I’d let you win,” Lucifer snarked. “And who’s to say He would? Father stopped caring about us as soon as He made the humans. And I’m not doing this to play into His plan; I just want the earth restored to what it was before these monkeys wrecked it.”

“Again with this sympathy for the Devil crap,” Dean muttered. 

“Shut up!” all three archangels commanded.

“The point remains, Gabriel,” Michael continued, “You really have no room to speak on this. All the pieces were put in motion eons ago. This is just the way it has to happen. No one can do anything to change that.”

“That doesn’t really line up with the whole ‘free will’ thing, now does it?” Dean snarked.

“That’s enough out of you!” Lucifer rounded on Dean.

It was easy to forget how strong Lucifer was. It had been so long since any other angel had seen him at his full strength, even his closest brothers had forgotten. Even now that he’d been out of the Cage and found his true vessel, he wasn’t all that intimidating to the ones who knew him best.

How easy it was to forget how brightly his grace shone when he was full of righteous anger. Even Gabriel had to shield his eyes. Even Michael had to step back. He truly was the Morningstar.

Cordell screamed at Gabriel to do something, anything to protect his brother. But, despite his insistence on coming here, Gabriel couldn’t. He couldn’t move against Lucifer. Never could.

He was, in the end, still a coward. Always would be when it came to his brothers. Some things never changed.

So Lucifer beat Dean near to a pulp. Gabriel did nothing to stop him. Michael did nothing to stop him.

Then, to everyone’s surprise, Sam did something to stop him.

Gabriel noticed Lucifer’s grace dimming first as Sam fought his way to the surface. Sam stopped the beating and reached into his pocket for the key. The key to the Cage.

“Don’t worry, Dean. I’ve got him.”

The Cage opened with a roar and the wind picked up as it tried to suck Lucifer back in. Just as Sam was ready to fall in, Michael ran forward to stop him. If Gabriel didn’t know any better, he might say Michael was worried for Lucifer.

Cordell reached for his brothers; Adam was the only one he could grab. Gabriel watched in horror as both his brothers fell into the pit and Cordell cried out for Sam.

Then, just like that, the door to the Cage closed and the ground sealed up as if nothing was ever there.

Cordell stood, staring at the spot where his brother once stood. Sam- his brother, his twin, his other half- was gone. In Hell. He felt frozen in his grief, barely even registering Gabriel’s voice in his head.

He knew he had to talk to Dean. He knew he needed to figure out what to do about Adam. He knew he needed to call his family. But he also needed to grieve.

“Sam,” he whispered, tears silently falling down his face.

He felt a presence next to him; he didn’t even need to look to know his older brother was there, staring at the ground and thinking the same things he was. He wanted to reach out, comfort Dean. But he didn’t know how. Even if there wasn’t this gap between them, sowed by anger and abandonment, what does one even say in this situation.

Eventually, the silence got to be too much to bear. “Dean-”

“I’m fine,” his brother said robotically. “Why don’t you just go? Go home to your wife and that apple pie life of yours? You don’t need to be here.”

The words cut him deeper than any knife could hope to. But Cordell couldn’t argue. “I’m sorry,” was all he could say before walking away.

A small distance away, he saw his half-brother, no longer commandeered by Michael, speaking to a dark-haired figure (An angel, Castiel, Gabriel supplied) before the other disappeared in a flash. Adam looked at the ground, dejected. Alone.

Cordell sighed and made his way over. “Do you have anywhere to go? I can give you a lift.”

Adam shook his head. “I used to. But then I died.” He laughed bitterly. “I shouldn’t even be here. I only agreed to this crap because the angels promised they’d bring my mom back. But…” He threw his hands up. “Guess that’s not happening.”

Cordell nodded. “Why don’t you come home with me for now? We’ve got a spare bed for you until you figure out what you want to do. If that’s okay with you.”

“I guess I don’t have that many other options, do I?” Adam scoffed. “Where’s home anyway?”

“Austin, Texas.” Cordell clapped him on the shoulder. “Come on. We’ll grab some burgers on the way.”

“Yes, please. I’m fucking starving.”

Cordell chuckled and led him away. Then, he remembered Gabriel had flown them there. “Gabe-”

Relax, Cowboy. I’m on it.

#angstober 2023 #day 21 #can't save everyone #walkernatural #henry winchester verse #my writing #my fic

[shallowseeker]

Jack + running away

In a very elder-Winchester moment, Jack wanted to run away to fight Michael. Hotblooded and angry, Jack wanted revenge. This is what war infected Jack with. Hatred. Retribution. He doesn't just want AU Michael neutralized, he wants him punished.

TRANSCRIPT: NEW ANGLE-- Backpack over a shoulder, Jack heads for the yard entrance. SAM quickly trots over and catches up. SAM: Jack. Where you headed? JACK: Before we go, there's something I have to do-- something I promised myself I'd do. (a look to Sam) Kill Michael. SAM: Jack, you can't-- we've gotta get these people to the rift. We'll seal up Michael and leave him here. Jack turns on Sam-- can't allow that-- JACK: No, we-- I've seen what he's done, the people he's killed… he deserves to be punished. 13x22 Exodus

The sad thing is, motivation notwithstanding, maybe Jack wasn't wrong here. Maybe he could've taken on Michael and killed him, and maybe Gabriel + Lucifer + Castiel + Jack VERSUS Michael was the right play.

We've seen with AU Kevin Tran that Michael was ALWAYS interested in traversing worlds. Very likely that Michael would've moved onto another prophet to make it happen, even if Lucifer hadn't been left behind. He was an active threat to both worlds.

But family Winchester is running from the fight this time. Sam said that they'd regroup and go back to the AU Earth, but I'd bet money he never intended to go back, what with locking Michael and Lucifer behind them.

Surely, in another timeline, this pressure point between the AU hunters and Sam would come to a head, with Mary on the side of reopening the rift to save the other world.

///

TRANSCRIPT: INT. MEN OF LETTERS - JACK'S ROOM - DAY - MORNING (DAY 2) Jack zips up a backpack, slings it over his shoulder-- his jaw set. As he exits his room-- --we find a note, left on his bed. Addressed, to Dean, Cas, and Sam. The gist: Jack is going off to Hunt on his own. INT. MEN OF LETTERS - HALLWAY/INFIRMARY - MOMENTS LATER Head down, Jack moves down the hall-- prepared to run away. But as he passes an open door, he hears VOICES-- 14x03 The Scar

Thrown into a tailspin by his recent power downgrade, Jack is going to run away. Jack wants to be powerful in order to protect loved ones, whether that's his AU friends or his human family.

Jack's tendency to want to be a hero comes not just from Winchester family dynamics, but from the war on AU earth. Though it was traumatizing, the war gave his enormous power emotional context and utilitarian value. "What's the point of being a cosmic being...if I can't protect the people I love?"

Jack doesn't like being treated like a kid, and he doesn't like being seen in a vulnerable and weak state. This is a detrimental self-reliance quality that Cas and Sam both possess in spades. Cas hates being weak and Sam hates being “banished to the kids’ table.”

#jack + nephilim #jack stuff #tfw + key traits #jack + detrimental self-reliance #jack + human weakness #jack + soldier mentality #spnwin

[worldsokayestdragon]

Cas killing Billy is like...I liked Billy. she was cool. she had understandable convictions about the natural order of life and death, and because of that she didn't put up with Sam and Dean's shit or let them convince her to break the rules for them, but she was never actively trying to screw them over. she even helped them sometimes! she helped them talk to Lucifer in the cage, she got the souls for the bomb to use on Amara, she got Dean back in the building during Asa's funeral. she wasn't bending over backwards to help them out like a lot of characters do, but she wasn't a bad person and she wasn't so caught up in hating them that she lost sight of the greater good. she even came around to letting them come back from the dead one last time. and I truly don't think the condition that one of them then had to die was malicious from her point of view. like she told Mary, she thinks what's dead should stay dead, that resurrected people are out of place and unhappy on earth and would be better off if they moved on. yes she said she would put Sam and Dean in the empty but my admittedly shaky understanding is that the empty isn't supposed to be painful, just sleeping forever, and it was something about Cas specifically that made it a problem(idk though I haven't seen those episodes yet) and she told Mary she'd take her to heaven. I really think she saw it as like "I'll get the natural order a little closer to fixed, one of you gets to find peace, and the other can live outside of this torture prison. everyone wins."

but at the same time Cas risking "cosmic consequences" to save the Winchesters-because they're too important to the world, and they're too important to him, because he can't lose his family(because he can't lose Dean or watch Dean lose another person he loves), because he loves them and that love is what his character is all about, and love and sacrifice and family that don't end with blood is what the show is all about- is actually so good I'm kicking my feet and giggling about it. so. mixed feelings.

#supernatural #season 12 has been a wild ride so far #i can't tell if it's actually good #or if the thrill of having new to me episodes is just reacting with the supernatural brain rot and giving me too many feelings #also billy was really hot #didn't put that up above because i do have much better reasons to think she's a good and interesting character #but she was so pretty too #im gonna miss her

[katsidhe]

15.09 vs. 11.10: Chuck, Lucifer, and the Art of Persuading Sam Winchester

15.09 gave me strong 11.10 vibes, for obvious reasons. And so, because I had 11.10 in my mind while watching 15.09, I immediately started thinking about why Sam capitulated relatively easily in 15.09, while in 11.10, facing worse circumstances and a more convincing argument, Sam did not.

Here are my lengthy thoughts about that comparison . This is also a thinly veiled excuse for me to compare and contrast Lucifer and Chuck. (What a great family.)

Let’s start out with the observation that Chuck and Lucifer both care a lot about their respective images.

Lucifer’s wanted to be regarded as plenty of different things—a wronged son, a martyr, a terrifying power, a teller of harsh truths, king of all evil, a good father. He plays an active role in his own mythos; he wants to be the center of attention. He’s the hero of his own story, and no one else gets a say.  

Chuck, instead, takes a behind-the-scenes role. While he cares just as much as or more about PR than his son does, he wants to be viewed as both lofty and benevolent. He wants to be so removed from mortal affairs that moral codes don’t apply to him, and yet also, paradoxically, be seen as magnanimous and kind. He’s not the hero; he’s the Wizard of Oz offering gracious intervention, and he’s the bard recording tales with a spin of poetic untruthfulness.

Chuck is less personally cruel—he doesn’t do his own dirty work, he hangs his righteousness on small rescues and insignificant kindnesses; he shrugs and points out his creations are free to make their own choices in the death mazes he designs. He pretends to think he can take honest feedback. He’s even squeamish about hurting Sam.

Chuck, like his son, likes to think he’s not the bad guy. Lucifer will try to persuade people to do what he wants, but failing that, he won’t hesitate to coerce them. Chuck usually likes to think he doesn’t do the same thing, but his snapping point is just as perilously close to the surface. In 15.09, Chuck tries force before he tries psychology, the opposite of Lucifer in 11.10. And this isn’t so surprising. Chuck is unaccustomed to being defied—every significant time it’s happened historically, it ends with the offending party stewing in cosmic lockup rather than seeing the error of their ways—whereas Lucifer, who whipped up a full-on rebellion back in the day, is extremely accustomed to using persuasion.

Unlike Chuck, Lucifer doesn’t care about whether people think he’s nice, or generous. He commits all sorts of cruelties that he views as either deserved, minor, or morally irrelevant, because he thinks his higher objectives are justification for pretty much anything. He hurts people who’ve hurt him before, or he hurts people whose lives he considers insignificant, or he hurts people in service to a ~philosophical point~ that he thinks is important.

So, when it comes time to persuade Sam, Lucifer is focused on himself. He makes explicit the case that what he can bring to the table is the most important part of the deal: he can beat Amara. He’s selling himself as the hero, as a power that Sam cannot deny.

Chuck isn’t selling himself. Nor is he offering a wizard’s solution, some kind of deus ex machina that’s surely within his power. Instead, he’s just trying to demoralize Sam, and frankly he’s kinda bad at it. His torture is subpar and he knows it. His threats are all ones Sam’s heard or even lived before. But it’s still important to him that he be perceived as not just a storyteller, but the storyteller. His sale, like Lucifer’s, is still predicated on power—an ill-defined power over the narrative that Sam doesn’t understand.

Chuck doesn’t understand Sam half so well as Lucifer does. Chuck’s pitch is a threat against Sam’s future, and it’s one that might have been a lot more devastating ten years ago for Sam—the “your family will die hunting” and even the “you’ll become a MONSTER, Sam” ultimatums are much better tailored for early seasons Sam than late. It smacks of the same slavishness to traditional Winchester Tropes (tm) that had Chuck trying unsuccessfully to get Lilith in a 20-something vessel to seduce Dean: he doesn’t really get that his characters have changed and aged.

In fairness, Sam doesn’t understand Chuck terribly well either. The one bit of insight Sam manages is realizing that Chuck doesn’t like getting his own hands bloody, but he’s wrong-footed by Chuck’s insistence that, actually, the vamp!chesters ending isn’t one of his favorites. Sam’s obviously uncomfortable with being unable to assess the scope of Chuck’s knowledge and plans. He can’t tell what’s a story draft and what isn’t, or which kinds of suffering Chuck wants for him and which he doesn’t. Neither does Sam have the same personal spite for Chuck that he has for Lucifer—and this more than anything else is the reason he allows himself to capitulate to Chuck’s threat.

Lucifer’s pitch in 11.10 was based on the past. He uses a litany of Sam’s accomplishments and weaknesses to lean heavily on Sam’s guilt complex. His arguments boil down to this: You can’t trust yourself to make decisions. Your only real reason to say no is your selfish fear of me. You’d doom the planet just to spite me, you’d make a choice thinking only of your own discomfort and everyone in the world will suffer for it.

And because he knows Sam so well, these hits land immediately. It’s a good pitch, well-calculated—Sam doesn’t trust himself, Sam is afraid, and Sam knows he’s not capable of a rational decision under these extreme circumstances.  

But it doesn’t work. Because frankly, it all lands a little TOO well, well enough that Sam’s able to throw out the whole thing out of, basically, sheer spite. Instead of being swayed by these arguments that he can’t refute, Sam finds himself willing to admit that, yeah, Lucifer’s right, Sam IS willing to risk the Darkness to spite him; he hates and fears him enough that he’s willing to rely on faith in some other option, ANY other option, as long as Lucifer doesn’t get another shot at the world. Sam says, more or less, “okay, fine, you’re right, but have you considered FUCK YOU.”

No matter the logic, no matter the emotions, no matter the carrots or sticks, Sam can always rely on the core principle that “Lucifer should not be allowed to get what he wants, because screw that guy.”

But Chuck’s not Lucifer. Sam doesn’t have the same bone-deep conviction that whatever Chuck wants will inevitably make everything worse. And that’s why Chuck’s pitch, though it gets a C+ from me compared to Lucifer’s solid A, works.

It’s not even clear whether Chuck’s forecast is a threat or a prediction—is he saying without narrative interference, chaos will inevitably win out? Or is he claiming that he will cause this monster outbreak intentionally? Either way, Sam supposes, it doesn’t really matter. He believes the threat, as much as he ever believed the doom of the Darkness. And while he knows he might be able to survive it or find a way around it, he really, really doesn’t want to be forced to, not if he can avoid it. Defying Chuck is neither as necessary nor as clear-cut as defying Lucifer.

#i speaks #15.09 #11.10 #chuck and lucifer #sam and chuck #sam and lucifer #sam and torture #look #i am having wayyyy too much fun #with the cosmic family that Hates Sam Winchester #family bonding goals: Make Sam Sad #an objective i can really get behind

[ghost-pasta]

the ultimate enemy,,, is having trauma with super powers.

I’ve got a steaming hot and spicy dp x spn crossover idea here. it's TUE plot adjacent (but Jazz survives because not enough Jazz in spn crossovers. let her be blunt to the Winchester brothers guys common, she'd totally call 'em out at some point come on)

(yeah but listen, makes no sense that Danny didn't end up in aunt Alicia's custody, legally speaking. so at first i was thinking of a TUE au that diverges from that where he does end up with Aunt Alicia. then someone said "Danny in a flannel vibes" (paraphrasing) and my brain went like: "..... flannels,,,,,,,,, spn crossover vibes........") anyway

- details below the cut -

so basically, Jazz still gets hurt and Danny's with her whenever he can get away with it while she's recovering. (they're all each other got now). and Aunt alicia gets them set up at her house. (first Danny temporarily, then once Jazz is released from hospital, they both move in fully)

Vlad:

- moved to the Fentons home to keep an eye on their portal so it doesn't get taken by the government or something. he's left in a house with remnants of a family he wanted to steal and now it's all gone and he's left gradually working through regrettings and griefs. - Danny initially leaves all his NASA memorabilia there because he's not much in the headspace to care about any of it. but Vlad sends his telescope over. the action being appreciated, maybe more than Danny wants to accept, or more so ever admit to Vlad.

Aunt Alicia (Walker):

notices Danny's kinda "weird" in a supernatural way in the time during Jazz's hospitalization and after. (only so many frozen, glowing, or chard bits of wood one goes through before it's really suspicious.) - (and one exploded tree) Alicia: "how'd that happen? couldn't have been lightning, sky's clear" Danny: "idk, cosmic happenstance i guess" Alicia: "..... alright i guess" - Anyway so they end up taking a trip to visit a good friend of hers that she visits thrice a year (it's bobby singer, they're best friends because i said so) and there's no way she's leaving mentally and emotionally unstable teens at her house when she wants to go - (gonna figure out what's up with Danny. most likely ghost related, but she don't know how. wants to talk it over with bobby to see what he thinks. if Danny's just hiding ghostly powers from “ecto-contamination” or something then that's whatever. but if he's being hurt by these abilities, or if it isn't that at all, she'd like to know. but not letting Danny know she's onto him, having an emotionally unstable traumatized depressed teen get flighty is a terrible idea.)

Jazz:

Danny almost lost her too, on top of his best friends being gone. and her overprotective sibling vibes would skyrocket but Danny's also would so what happens is they're really attached at the hip for a few months. eventually graduating to being on either sides of a room without making either of them nervous. (if one leaves a room tho then there's a little more anxiety until they get back. - Jazz gets lost into studying again, even more than before unless danny needs attention from her. what ends up happening is they're leaning on each other or are generally in each others presence while she studies. Jazz implores danny to get a hobby, or maybe get back into stars and things. he's not really up to much tho, doing chores or errands for aunt Alicia keeps him busy whenever she gives him something to do. - (when Danny first started living with Alicia, she figured chopping wood was good enough therapy for now) - - the first night they settle in (they share a room, but they're clingy enough that it works), Jazz tells Danny she knows. about him and the ghost powers. about it all. and wanted to wait for him to come to her,,, but... and Danny clings to her and they both cry a bit. (a lot) - Jazz suspects Alicia might be onto them but since Alicia hasn't done anything then Jazz will wait until Alicia being onto them feels actually risky.

The Killing Event:

- making it a gas leak explosion instead of a nasty sauce explosion is what I'm going with. (to make it hurt more, them being there to celebrate Danny acing a test rather than talk about him possibly cheating is a thing i can and am doing) - Lancer also survives the event this time. he was Jazz's ride there probably. Lancer is very close to how his students are doing academically, he'd want to congratulate Danny too.) He keeps in touch with Danny through aunt Alicia, as do tuckers parents. - (Sam's parents connect with tuckers parents about it more than with Alicia. they don't blame Danny because that would be cruel, he's just a kid. but they're just less connected to him in general. they knew him as Sam's problem friend before.)

And That’s It! (like, for interacting with the Winchester brothers (+an angel) I've just got a vague sense of shenanigans and Danny hating Crowley.) (I think I’ll put other fun ideas I like putting in spn crossovers. like Danny kinda seeing Castiel’s wings past his vessel. and Cas being able to tell Danny’s soul is attached to his body like it’s supposed to be,,,,, but in a super weird way. think “what the soul doin?” but in the voice of (”what the dog doin?”)) (on Danny hating Crowley, in this i feel like all Crowley would have to do is show up and Danny has animosity at first sight. at first vibe presence)

#danny phantom #danny fenton #jazz fenton #aunt alicia #alicia walker #tue #dp xover #supernatural #dp x spn #my thoughts #tue adjacent

[mittensmorgul]

I feel like I should be posting more original content. I’ve been here for so long, posting original content analyzing every detail of this show, and posting literally millions of words on the subject, and the show has gone and done exactly the thing I’ve been writing about, confirmed in text that the story I’ve been watching in the subtext is really the story they were telling all along.

And I could be posting gleefully about the beauty of the most intense metanarrative, the absolute bananapants layers of meta in any piece of media I’ve ever consumed in my 46 years. From the self-referential and universe-bending plotlines to just how deeply embedded ALL of this has become as the central core narrative of the final season, as the characters grapple with what is even real when they’ve been characters in a story beyond their control or understanding for so long only to come so close to earning their freedom and “becoming real” by using their OWN words and declaring for themselves their truth and their happiness and their love.

It’s... mind boggling that everything I’ve ever written about this show is coming back around in a final grand swoop of the narrative arcs that I honestly don’t know what else I can do aside from waving one hand at canon and inviting everyone to just read the entirety of this stupid blog while looking smugly satisfied with myself.

It’s about love. The whole story is, was, and always will be about love. And not just destiel, but the whole damn show. The character of Dean Winchester, for all the jokes about being emotionally constipated, is essentially the embodiment of selfless love and has been since the start of the show. But because of the story itself, he had to become hardened to it, to accept that it wasn’t something he could have for himself if he lived the life he did. And yet he never let that destroy him, despite now understanding that that’s exactly what Chuck spent the last 15 years (and really the entirety of Dean’s life) attempting to do-- to break him for the sake of the story.

Cas’s confession in 15.18 wasn’t just about how Cas loves Dean, but why. Cas, the only version of Castiel in any of Chuck’s infinite universes who broke free of Heaven’s command, did so because of the love he saw in this selfless but self-hating man. Years of crack posts about Dean breaking angels cannot even begin to touch how deep this goes.

One line in Cas’s monologue about Dean thinking of himself as “daddy’s blunt instrument” was a line from season THREE, before Cas ever even MET Dean Winchester and began to know him. It was a phrase that had never been spoken aloud in reality. It happened literally inside Dean’s dream, where he knew he was doomed to go to hell and was confronted by the demon version of himself. Dean said this line TO HIMSELF, IN A DREAM, TWELVE SEASONS AGO. And then yelled down that demon-dream version of himself with this:

DREAM DEAN: Dad knew who you really were. A good soldier and nothing else. Daddy's blunt little instrument. Your own father didn't care whether you lived or died. Why should you?

DEAN: Son of a bitch!

DEAN pushes DREAM DEAN hard, knocking him into the wall above the desk.

DEAN: (screaming angrily) My father was an obsessed bastard!

DREAM DEAN tries to get up and DEAN kicks him down on the desk again. DEAN holds the weapon as a bat and hits DREAM DEAN once and then pins him to the wall with it.

DEAN: All that crap he dumped on me, about protecting Sam! That was his crap. He's the one who couldn't protect his family. He-

DEAN steps back and swings the weapon again, hitting DREAM DEAN twice.

DEAN: He's the one who let Mom die. who wasn't there for Sam. I always was! He wasn't fair! I didn't deserve what he put on me. And I don't deserve to go to Hell!

DEAN shoots DREAM DEAN twice in the chest. As he lowers the weapon and looking at DREAM DEAN, we see the latter is dead. Blood is splattered on DREAM DEAN's face and his eyes are closed.

--

And then after that, spoiler alert, he went to hell and Cas pulled him out.

Dean: Right. And why would an angel rescue me from Hell?  Castiel: Good things do happen, Dean. Dean: Not in my experience. Castiel: What's the matter? You don't think you deserve to be saved?

It took him YEARS to truly get past this. He didn’t really get to confront his own father until season 14, in a sort of “It’s A Wonderful Life” sort of episode where he could see what his life might’ve been like if things had turned out differently. And oh, Cas isn’t in his life. But he gets to confront John with his own self-acceptance, his own confidence in the life he’s made for himself and the people (including Cas) who have become his family. He gets to hear from John that he never wanted that life for Dean, and Dean gets to say, well I would choose this life anyway.

Until Chuck’s revelation pulled that rug out from under him. Dean had been-- if not deliriously happy, at least content with his life. Because it was HIS. And then he found out it wasn’t, that Chuck had always been writing the broad strokes of his life, had always been the one throwing catastrophe after apocalypse after cosmic crisis directly in his path because he wanted to watch Dean struggle to save the world yet again, and finally give him the ending to the story that Chuck wanted-- a broken and devastated Dean who’d sacrificed everything for the story yet again. And suddenly NOTHING about anything made sense to Dean anymore, and even Cas showing up in his life and then weirdly sticking around all these years was suspect to him. He trusted nothing, not his choices or his feelings or his own happiness.

But now? We know (and Dean knows) that Cas was one thing Chuck just couldn’t control. That he was never supposed to think for himself and rebel and fall in love with Dean. And Dean knows that too. He knows all of it. And ALL of that just went wooshing through Dean’s central processing unit in the span of two minutes and came up error messages, because it was too late now and Cas was gone again, and there might not be any getting him back this time.

So unless Dabb era has been entirely about destroying everything that was ever good about this show, and about their own storytelling, and the metanarrative and the subtext and the character arcs, making Dean and Cas’s relationship the main emotional arc of the entire season demands that Dean get a chance to answer to this.

If love is truly the ultimate weapon of their salvation, as the show has been screaming since s11, then Dean gets to keep Cas. Because anything less is failure at this point.

I’m sorry I haven’t been replying to many people in my inbox, but honestly I’m too tired to deal with anxiety over how the story will end. I only care about the story, and I’ve written more about it in the last howeverlong I’ve been at this than I can possibly reiterate before the next episode airs. All I can do is point and gawp at the fact that the story is what I have always thought it was, and be content.

Revenge of the Subtext, indeed.

#spn 15.18 #destiel #the scheherazade of supernatural #revenge of the subtext #it's spirals all the way down #order vs chaos and darkness vs light #using your words #grand unification via love theory #there's probably 3000 posts across those tags and more in other tags linked to those if you wanna know how i feel about this show #i feel like i've written everything bar the shouting at the end at this point #lol including Revenge of the Subtext aka my first dcbb fic back in 2015 so like... *eternal shrug emojis* #i don't know what else to say at this point other than you either read anything i've written in the last 8 years or so or like... #nothing i say now is really gonna help i guess #lol i even wrote about how chuck was controlling the story way back in s11 so like... #i think i was one of the few holdouts in s11 who was convinced that amara didn't need to be killed but reunited with chuck #from like two days after 10.23 aired and before we knew she was amara or that chuck would ever come back #or that he was god lol... i was calling them darkness and light or creation and destruction #i wrote a lot of wackadoo sounding shit because we had no context to define them yet but ALL of it held up all season #and then dabb era ushered in the age of the metanarrative where the story unfolded on at least six levels simultaneously #and i get that's not every casual fan's cup of tea but for someone invested in the characters it ws GLORIOUS #they laid this whole trail of subtext and meta breadcrumbs all the way up to this point circling around a huge pole holding up the entire #story... and the center of it all is LOVE and it's an angel's love of a single human that the show has been pointing at forever #you draped yourself in the flag of heaven but really you did it all to save one human... hello season 9! #and a broken human's love of an angel he feared he could never deserve... and that's the love that can defeat every cosmic power out there #that's what we have left to watch in the final two episodes and i honestly don't know what else to say #love wins

[deancaspinefest]

I’d Cross The Stars For You  |  Explicit  |  47,700 Words

Author: allmystars Artist: AnSchiArt At twenty-eight years old, Dean’s standing on the edge of his life, ready to jump into everything he’s ever wanted.

He’s a talented mage with a promotion in his sights and a family who loves him. Great friends, a nice apartment, and a niece he adores—life should be good. Great even.

But it’s not.

There’s this pit in his stomach—an ache in his chest that feels too much like loneliness and not enough like wanting to do anything about it.

So, he gets by.

Until he doesn’t.

Until there’s an accident of cosmic proportions in his classroom, with him right at its centre, that puts him in the hospital and changes everything.

Until he looks in a mirror and blue eyes appear in place of his own. Link to fic  | Link to art

Pairings: Castiel/Dean Winchester (Sam Winchester/Jessica Moore, Dean Winchester/Lisa Braeden)

Warnings: Minor Violence, Mental Health Issues, Misuse of Prescription Drugs

Tags: Magic AU, Alternate Universes, Connected Through Mirrors, Angel Castiel, Eventual Happy Ending, Winged Castiel, Teacher Dean Winchester, Hate to Love

#destiel #deancas #destiel fic #destiel art #deancas fic #deancas art #masterpost #Pinefest 2021 #allmystars #AnSchiArt

[postmodernmulticoloredcloak]

So I watched 10.09 recently, and it has that part where Dean tells a story about him basically being almost roofied as a teen, but somehow it ends up framed as the funny joke and yet another proof that John "did what he could", and I kind of hate this? And it's the same episode in which MoC!Dean killed guys that kidnapped and tried to rape Claire, and you'd think writers would've addressed the parallels and acknowledge that Dean could've been triggered by this situation. 1/2

2/2 But in the end, it's never addressed, and the whole situation is framed as the proof that Dean is evil now. And I'm not even sure what I am trying to say, but with that being the show's approach back in s10, I'm not surprised about the finale anymore. Guess we should've known?

That’s an excellent angle to look at the issue because the Mark of Cain arc is a clear example of how people with different experiences will see the same thing in wildly different ways. There’s this phase of season 10 where everyone is like “oh no Dean is Getting Worse” and when you look at what Dean is doing... you actually go “...good for him”.

Let’s give Caesar what belongs to Caesar. It’s not “the writers” in this case, it’s Dabb. Plenty of other writers don’t fall into this John apologism thing. Just look at how the episode before Lebanon, written by Buckner and Ross Leming, says that sometimes John would temporarily kick Dean out because he was “pissed at him” despite Dean always taking his side to mantain the peace. It almost seems like a statement to sprinkle some salt given what Dabb does in Lebanon, you know? Maybe not, but there is a tension between “John was shitty” writers and “John did his best” writers.

In hindsight, we gave Dabb too much of the benefit of the doubt. We were like, weeell, that’s supposed to be way the characters perceive the truth, which is distorted by the trauma... But now it’s obvious that he truly believed in the John-did-his-best version. He brought him back and got Mary back with him. No matter what happened to the finale, the network didn’t print those pictures of John and Mary to hang on Sam’s wall. He never took Dean’s abuse seriously and it shows.

The “anedocte” of Dean getting drugged and “saved” by John from being raped is obviously there to parallel him with Claire. Which works! It’s so weird because it’s like. You are soooo close to getting the point. Younger Dean was assaulted just like this teenage girl is assaulted and Dean saves her... but apparently John yelling at those people is a good way of dealing with the issue, while murdering child traffickers is an overraction thus bad.

That’s the problem, isn’t it? That Dean’s murder spree is framed as an overreaction. Sam is like “tell me you had to do this! tell me it was you or them!” - the answer to which (by the narrative) is obviously no, it wasn’t self defense, he just killed them because he could. He just murdered those men for no reason except he felt like being murdery. And the audience is supposed to be like “oh no! Dean is murdery for no reason except for murderiness! That’s bad!”.

But it’s a power fantasy, isn’t it? Going on a murder spree on rapists and traffickers. I bet any people who’s been violated like that has fantasized of doing the exact thing Dean does here. Killing them all.

Dean had the physical strength and skill to kill them all, why shouldn’t he kill them? (I mean, in real life I’m against private justice because I’m a fan of the state of law, but the Supernatural universe obviously works on different principles than the state of law. Again, it’s a fictional narrative that plays out as a fantasy for the audience, so.)

So what was Dabb’s intention? I’m afraid it’s the worst one. “John Winchester’s not going to win any Number One Dad awards, you know? But, you know, damn if he wasn’t there when we needed him”. What the fuck, Dabb? It’s been established since season 1 that John WASN’T there when they needed him. Which... I’m afraid... leads us to the Cas-Claire plot in the episode. Cas has fucked off with Jimmy’s body leaving Claire on her own. Parallels how John wasn’t going to win wny Number One Dad awards. But! Cas is there when Claire Really Needs Him i.e. when she’s about to be raped by older men. Parallels how John was there when Dean Really Needed Him i.e. when he was about to be raped by older men.

I think the point is to say, Cas kinda sucked because he took Claire’s dad away but hey! He’s actually a good figure for Claire because he gets there in time to prevent her from being raped. Just like (ew) John kinda sucked as a father because hunting and stuff, but hey! He’s actually a good figure for Dean because he got there in time to prevent him from being raped.

It’s pretty yucky. Literally NOBODY wanted a parallel between Cas and John. But he made one. And he made one to absolve Cas from the guilt he carried for what he did to Claire (Claire’s mother is a mother so who fucking cares about her. She’s basically a Blurry Wife(TM), she’s only a tool for Claire’s arc, Cas apparently only cares about the harm he did the child, not the wife, for some reason.) and to absolve Cas from his guilt it absolves John too. Don’t worry, being a parent is hard. You often screw up. But you can *looks at smudged writing on hand* prevent the kid from being raped by predatory adults and everything’s fine now.

It’s not really important if the child suffered hunger or whatever, the only important thing is that they don’t get raped, because that’s bad, everything else is just a little detail.

All Dabb got with that scene was to paint Sam as extremely unsympathetic because he’s no longer a child, he’s a full adult now and still thinks of that episode at the CBGB as a funny story. That’s not a good look. It almost makes you think that the writer himself saw it as a funny story. Lol teenage boy biting more than he can chew. But then why the Claire parallel? The Claire scene onviously is not supposed to be anything but horrific. I'll give Dabb the benefit of the doubt on this specific thing.

It’s weird, yes, because Dabb wrote Dark Side of the Moon where he establishes that John was a bad husband/father even before tragedy hit the family. But apparently that’s the “not going to win any Number One Dad awards” part, I suppose? I guess he intended to write John as this flawed, ~complex~ figure who was imperfect but still brave and whatever blah blah did his best blah blah. I’m all for flawed complicated characters but a horrible father is a horrible father. A rose by any other name... parental abuse is still parental abuse even if the poor guy was complicated and traumatized and did what he thought he had to do to prepare his sons for a violent world.

Also, the story frames Dean’s escapade as a teenager being stupid. “You know what he got for that? Me whining about how much he embarrassed me. Me telling him that I hated him. But then he stopped and turned around looked at me and said, Son, you don’t like me? That’s fine. It’s not my job to be liked.” “It’s my job to raise you right.” This seems straight from a novel about teenagers doing something stupid that they’re too young to realize that their parents are right to be against them doing. But this isn’t just... a parent walking into a bar to stop their child to drink alcohol. Dean literally describes feeling sick from something that was inside the alcohol.

Sure, it makes sense that he’d lash out to John because of the shame and shock. But the scene is... off. Are we supposed to see this as a typical teenage mistake? Are we supposed to read it as something as horrific as what happened to Claire, literally sold into rape? Or, worse, are we supposed to see what happened to Claire as a teenage mistake, ah silly teenager, blindly trusting shady people, no wonder you end up in a situation where you’d get raped if a father figure didn’t sweep in and save you. I hope that wasn’t the intent.

To get back to Dean’s Mark-of-Cain violence, the writers clearly didn’t intend it to come from the Darkness up to a certain point. It was supposed to an arc about your own inner darkness (consider the Charlie episode, a couple episodes later). Then they came up with the idea of The(TM) Darkness, the suppressed cosmic feminine. While it caused a bit of dissonance in the subtext, it doesn’t really change Dean’s narrative, because his inner darkness is the trauma, and his trauma is inherebtly tied to the “feminine” i.e. the parts of him that don’t fit seamlessly into the scheme of toxic masculinity values. That the violence that comes from the Mark of Cain comes from Dean himself and that’s it, or is connected to the Darkness, it doesn’t change what it means for Dean. Dean and Amara have parallel histories, the feminine principle locked away, the trauma the anger stems from.

In 10x09 we’re still in the Before The (TM) Darkness era, before the suppressed cosmic feminine. The Mark of Cain arc is still about... well, Cain. But the shift is the signal that someone looked at Dean’s arc and said... you know what? “Lucifer gave me this curse so now I’m demonic and murdery” is meh. “Toxic masculinity suppresses the feminine and it creates trauma which rage and violence comes from” is more interesting. I don’t know whose idea it was, but it was a good idea, and surely the idea came from seeing how Dean’s MoC narrative was unfolding.

Dean’s MoC narrative was unfolding in a certain way, in fact, because of a pretty simple reason. There’s a fundamental tension in Dean’s MoC arc. We want him to go murdery, but it’s also our main character, so we don’t want him to do really horrible things because he still needs to be relatable. The audience cannot hate him, so he must NOT do something entirely unforgivable. He still needs to be somewhat relatable, even when demonic or demonic-adjacent.

So he goes on a murder spree... but it’s rapists and child traffickers. He’s demon, but he kills a misogynistic dude that wanted his wife dead for cheating on him. He’s a demon, but beats up dudes that harass women. He does a slaughter, but they’re nazi. He’s off the deep end, but works a case of kidnapped and abused young women...

Speaking of which. 10x23, written by Jeremy Carver. Dean works a case where a girl was killed while dressed scantily and Dean makes some slut-shaming remarks, and we’re supposed to think “whoa Dean, that’s bad”. But later he confronts the girl’s father and what does he say?

I’m just doing my job, Mr. McKinley.

By suggesting my daughter was a slut?

I’ll admit that thought crossed my mind. Then I came here, and I smelled the deceit and the beatings and the shame that pervade this home.

You shut your face right now.

And you know what? I don’t blame Rose anymore. No wonder she put on that skank outfit and went out there looking for validation, right into the arms of the monster that killed her.

Back then the episode was super controversial and everyone hated the case because of the apparent slut-shaming but I loved it! Because it’s not about the girl. It’s about Dean. Dean doesn’t think that a girl gets killed because she dresses in a miniskirt so it’s her fault. Dean is projecting on himself and he’s not actually victim blaming the girl, he’s victim blaming himself. And when he absolves the girl by putting the blame on the father... well, subtextually he’s absolving himself by putting the blame on his father. On the deceit and the beatings and the shame that pervaded his own home. He’s textually not ready to absolve himself, of course, he summons Death to ask him to kill him later, but subtextually he’s on the right path.

Rose McKinley basically did the same mistake Dean did at the CBGB when he trusted some older people who offered him drinks and the same mistake Claire did when she trusted a man who sold her for money because he offered him a place and stability. She trusted the wrong people (in this case, vampires, which adds the whole subtext of vampires and sexuality) who took advantage of her. Except Rose had no one to save her. (Her friend, Crystal, gets rescued by Dean, even if he causes the other hunter Rudy to die in the process.)

Carver’s writing is pretty brutal. The girl made that mistake because was abused at home, so she was desperate for validation and that desperation drove her into the wrong hands. (Rose even has a brother who blames himself for bringing her sister to her future murderers, destructive sibling relationship check.) It doesn’t actually even matter if Dean guessed right about Rose’s family situation, because what matters is what it tells us about Dean. He basically relates to a dead abused girl. Actually all through the season Dean is paralleled to “skanks” “sluts” and sex workers. Obviously this happens kinda all through the show, the whole “the business is based on absent fathers” thing happened much earlier in the story, so it’s not new. But s10 draws a picture of female suffering - abuse, manipulation and death. Season 10 was difficult to go through. In hindsight, it was probably on purpose because it was supposed to be darkest hour of the feminine. Summed with some good old fashioned misogyny, but hey.

The Carver era was wonky but Carver wanted to free the feminine. (I believe that Mary’s comeback, while written by Dabb because of the showrunner shift, was planned before the showrunner shift.) We thought the Dabb era wanted the same, with Mary choosing life and Amara being independent and so on, but it evidently wasn’t the case. Not a single woman arrives at end of the story. It’s hardly ~Bucklemming or ~the network or ~covid because it starts before the very end.

I’m not saying that dead sluts are more feminist than living women, but if the women die or disappear anyway (and they did) I’d rather have an exploration of trauma than nothing. And I definitely prefer a dead slut narrative that calls out parental abuse than a narrative where women live but abuse gets the you-did-your-best treatment.

Whoops! I digressed! But feel free to ask for any clarification or send me any observation or thought.

#anon #my spn thoughts #season 10 #spn 10x09 #spn 10x23 #dean and john #parental abuse #john winchester's a+ parenting #mark of cain #demon dean #spn #i love talking about season 10 uh

[las-lus]

I think john Winchester should be in heaven bc I think he saved enough lives on earth and he didnt break in hell and like, cosmically that means he did more good than bad.

However

I also want him to only be able to visit his kids when they want him to and they never do. They arent even aware, no one told them they have that power, they just dont miss John enough. I also want John to know Dean is enjoying heaven with his angel boyfriend and that sometimes he and Sam have a big family dinner with a bunch of lesbians he never met, Bobby, Mary, Ellen, Jo and Ash they dont even think about inviting him.

And I hope is hates it very much.

#spn #destiel #you can actually add any ship here as long as either sam or dean are queer feel free go wild #maybe jack decided to bring vampires to heaven and dean has his nice vampire boyfriend if thats your thing #go wild. i just want John to hate it #john winchester hate #supernatural #queer sam and dean being happy in heaven and homophobic john wincester being sad #its my absolute jam

[sapphicrowena]

through the cold i’ll find my way back to you

15x18 coda, 1.7k. read on ao3

The Empty isn't empty.

There's the entity itself, of course, smiling wickedly with the face of a friend lost long ago.

There's Billie, not dead but dying, her every breath a grimace. Her skin is mottled and horrid, and everything about her looks shabbier and more ragged in the not-light of this place.

And there's Castiel.

Castiel, released from the sickly cold grasp that dragged him here, on his knees in defeat and relief in equal measure. Castiel, an Angel fallen in more ways than one, already feeling the tide of his oft-felt misery washing over the joy in his chest but not letting it sink. Castiel, free of the burden he has been all too glad to carry for the last decade.

The Empty looks at him from a throne, and says with Meg’s voice, “You shouldn’t have done that.”

“I disagree,” Castiel says, surprised to find he still has a voice. “I think I should’ve done it years ago.”

The relief borders on euphoric. It’s every hunt-gone-sideways-but-still-survived rolled into one, every life saved, every battered and bruised word of prayer heard in the early hours of the morning. It’s a secret held for twelve years and released at the time it would do the most good for the world.

“There’s no way out of this one,” the Empty promises. 

“I know,” Castiel says, and he believes it. He’s not sure he wants a way out. He’s done his part.

“Are you going to be quiet this time?”

This is a difficult question to answer. For the first time, he feels no urge to argue. There is no survival instinct here. He knows he should, based on track record, be looking for a way out, at the very least. But he feels a kind of serenity in this moment, this afterglow of sorts, that distracts the part of him that would pick a fight in any other circumstance. 

He stands. He almost wipes at his knees, out of habit, before remembering that there’s nothing here to dirty them. There’s nothing here at all.

“I think,” he says, “I just might.”

The Empty says nothing, eyes cold and skeptical, and he walks away.

He finds himself at Billie’s side. She has nothing to prop herself up against, so she is on her back, pitiful and ruined, her scythe at her side. Castiel stares at it, and can’t help but wish she had left it behind. A weapon like that could be a real advantage in the fight to come.

“If you’ve come to gloat,” Billie says, pain tracing the lines of her face, “you can save it.”

“In a way,” Castiel says, and he doesn’t have any bitterness or ill will to give her, “I owe you a thank you.”

He should hate her. He should want to sit and watch her draw her last aching breaths. After everything she’s done - to him, to Dean, to the rest of his patchwork little family - she surely deserves what she’s getting. 

But he hears his own voice in his ears, hears himself say I love you and mean it in every possible way, and he can’t. He can’t hate her, because like it or not, she gave him that push. He will never see Dean again, and he can hate her for that, but he will make peace with that, eventually. 

He’ll have enough time here to make peace with a lot of things.

-

The Empty isn’t empty.

There’s Billie’s scythe, unmoved from the place it lay next to her before she died and disappeared. She took a long time to go, but she went, and that’s all she had to leave behind.

There’s the Empty, still using Meg’s face. Still awake. Still asking for some quiet.

And there’s Castiel, without a word past his lips since the soft, “Oh,” that left him when Billie vanished, just walking. He doesn’t have a destination, because there are no destinations here, and he doesn’t know if it counts as a journey without one, but he walks. 

He doesn’t stop. He could be moving in place for all he knows, nothing but void in all directions, but it doesn’t deter him. He walks and walks and walks, footsteps echoing off nothing, and he thinks. There’s not much else to do.

He thinks of home, of earth, and of the battle that might be still waiting to happen or already come and gone. He thinks of Sam and Jack and the world he’s left behind. He thinks of the Impala and how she purrs like a lioness and smiles like a shark.

Mostly, he thinks of Dean, but that’s nothing new. He would think of Dean even if he were dead and disappeared like Billie. He would think of Dean even if he were standing in front of him.

The Empty finds him, occasionally, or he finds it, or they find each other.

“Aren’t you tired?” it asks. From anyone else, those words might be comforting or empathetic.

In truth, Castiel is tired. He’s been tired for years. But he can’t - if he stops, he knows it’ll be for good. And he isn’t ready for that. He can’t let go yet. He’s not sure what it is he’s holding onto, but he knows it’ll be gone forever if he stops.

“No,” he says. 

He keeps walking.

-

The Empty isn’t empty. 

There’s the quiet, boundless and permanent, a heavy blanket that presses in from every angle.

There’s the Empty, who hasn’t paid a visit in a long time, but still lurks at the not-edges of not-space.

And there’s Castiel, no longer walking. No longer thinking. Very close to no longer being anything at all.

-

The Empty isn’t empty.

There’s the quiet, shattered and jagged.

There’s Castiel, awake, and the Empty, furious.

And there’s Jack.

He is tattered and frayed and glowing like a pyre. He calls out, in a voice made of urgency, “Castiel?”

Castiel stands - he doesn’t remember lying down, or sitting up - and Jack’s eyes, burning with white light, find him. He doesn’t know how long it’s been since they last saw each other, but Jack doesn’t look any different to how Castiel remembers him - apart from, of course, the power that crackles at his fingertips and shines from his pores.

“How are you here?” Castiel asks. He stumbles forward, clumsy and forgetful, toward the sun of a boy before him. “This can’t -”

“We won. I’m here to take you home,” Jack says. His voice sounds like a thousand. Then, softer, as Castiel approaches him, “It’s over. It’s done, Cas, we won.”

The halo of light around Jack doesn’t burn like Castiel thinks it ought to. Jack folds into him, at once ethereal and impossibly human, and Castiel remembers what he’s been missing, all this time on his own.

Over Jack’s shoulder, Castiel sees the Empty, and his blood runs cold.

Jack lets him go and turns to face it, his shoulders square and confident. His jaw sets with a determination he could only have learned from the Winchesters. The kind of determination that says no, you move.

The kind of determination that Castiel fell from Heaven to learn for himself.

“Jack -” he warns. He can’t read the expression on the Empty’s stolen face.

There is a long moment of silence as they size each other up, a cosmic ancient and a boy-shaped god.

Then, the Empty speaks. It says: “You can have him. I want to sleep.”

Jack lays a hand on his shoulder, and Castiel closes his eyes.

-

The bunker library isn’t empty.

There’s one table buried in a mountain of books, another cluttered with bowls and candles and bones, and chairs toppled on their sides.

There’s a small crowd of onlookers, some cowering behind the shelves. Two throwing themselves forward into the action. One going farther than the other, looking like he hasn’t slept in a year.

And there’s Castiel, in love with him all over again.

Dean Winchester comes to a stop a foot away from Castiel. He stands there, his face a swirling, unsure mix of hesitation and relief and astonishment, and doesn’t say a word.

He doesn’t speak for so long that Castiel notices the quiet isn’t just him. It’s everywhere. The room holds its breath, and Castiel holds his too, until the novelty of having breath to hold wears off and he can’t do it anymore.

He says, “Hello, Dean.”

Dean’s face splits into a watery grin. “Hey, Cas,” he says, and crushes him in a hug that pushes all the air out of his lungs.

Castiel’s hands land at Dean’s shoulder blades, snaking up his back to make a home out of rough fabric bunched between his fingers. His eyes close, and Dean holds him tighter, and there is nothing else in the world but this.

Into Castiel’s shoulder, where only he can hear, Dean says, “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For not saying it back.” 

The words sound in Castiel’s ears and in his head. He doesn’t know if the prayer is intentional, but he feels that pull of longing and decides it doesn’t matter. None of it matters, just this.

“Dean, you don’t -”

“No,” Dean says, and he pulls back far enough that Castiel can look him in the eye. “I should have said it back. I should have said it - I should’ve said something a damn long time ago.”

There are hands on Castiel’s face. They’re calloused and hard from a life lived too unfairly, but they’re gentle as they hold him. Tender to match the eyes Castiel knows so well.

“You said - you said it was something you knew you couldn’t have,” Dean whispers. “But, Cas, you’ve had me. You’ve always had me. Ever since - god, who cares since when? You have me. I have been yours.”

The bunker library isn’t empty, but when Dean kisses him, slow and soft and worshipful, it may as well be.

“I thought -” Castiel says, when they part. “I thought you didn’t - I thought you couldn’t -”

Dean smiles, bashful and sweet, and Castiel falls and falls and falls.

“You were never the brains of the operation, Cas,” he says. “We both know Sammy’s the smart one.”

Dean kisses him again, and again, and again, and oh, how wrong Castiel was. There is a certain amount of happiness in saying it, in just being, but it is nothing compared to this. Nothing compared to the having.

-

Dean Winchester’s bedroom isn’t empty.

There’s the pile of clothes on the floor, peeled reverently from their owners layer by painstaking layer, a phone charging in the corner, and the gun he keeps under a pillow.

There’s Dean himself, of course, sleeping soundly for the first time in years, maybe.

And there’s Castiel.

#destiel #deancas #destiel coda #deancas coda #15x18 #spn 15x18 #mine #fic #supernatural #spn #15x18 coda #despair #s15 #spn coda #supernatural coda #coda fic #destiel fic #deancas fic #15x18 despair #my writing

[verobatto]

Destiel Chronicles

Vol. CXXVIII

It was a love story from the very beginning

I Love You and Goodbye

(15x18)

Hi my friends! We are finally in episode 15x18 "Despair" or "The Truth". The episode in which Destiel went canon.

So, let's grab our napkins and let's start with this.

Remember this meta is a summary from my metas from season 15 with some new additions now that the show ended.

You can find my metas from 15x18 following these links: X, X and X.

The last Destiel mirrors

I want to start this meta summary with the last two destiel mirrors from episode 15x18. Both of them were foreshadowing the big lover separation at the end.

Charlie always mirrored Dean, so it's very interesting to hear her talking about how her relationship with Stevie started.

She mentioned she didn't want to try that love thing again, it's a parallel of Dean's past with Cassie earlier in the show. It started as a game could be also related to Dean first attempts of flirting with Castiel in season 4 and 5.

I'll go with you...

One of the most iconic Destiel quotes has to be recalled in this episode too. Loyalty, love and abnegation from Castiel to Dean.

Because I Love You (Romantically)

This whole description from the scene it had been taken from my meta, I want to transcript the whole analysis here just because the moment I wrote this I was still hoping Dea would rescue Castieo, and I was crying and laughing hysterically, so... I wanna share that to all of you:

This love confession was beautiful, and Castiel made it clear he was talking about ROMANTIC LOVE, because the whole prelude in his wordings were perfectly clear. There's not doubt he was confessing his romantic love for Dean. He even mention THE ONLY THING I CAN'T HAVE is the thing that will make him happy.

It's canon he was asking himself what happiness could be!!! It means CAS THOUGHT ABOUT HOW COULD IT BE TO HAVE DEAN NOT JUST AS A FRIEND!!!!

He says too FROM THE MOMENT HE TOOK THAT BURDEN! FROM THE MOMENT HE RESCUED DEAN FROM HELL!!!!!! 'It has always been you', Dean!'

I'm gonna stop here just a little to point out why the quote "IT HAS ALWAYS BENN YOU" said by Billie takes a huge significance in here. Because Dean is not just the centric problem of a Cosmic entity, like Death, but the centric topic in Castiel's confession.

The love confession from 15x18 was a recalling of the first Destiel scene in the barn. In which Castiel saw a broken soul, a man that thought he didn't deserved to be saved, and immediately he took that challenge in his arms. The challenge was to make Dean BELIEVE HE WAS WORTHY. That he deserved to be saved AND LOVED. That's why from this moment on, Dean will change the way he sees himself.

When Castiel says he understood HAPPINESS IS NOT ABOUT TO HAVE IT, BUT IT'S ABOUT TO SAY IT (FEEL IT) immediately after saying he couldn't have that thing (Dean) is marking to all the audience that knowing HE CAN'T HAVE DEAN, HE IS HAPPY JUST FEELING THAT LOVE FOR HIM. LOVONG HIM AS HE DOES IS WHAT MAKES CAS HAPPY, AND CONFESSING THAT LOVE TO DEAN, RELEASE HIM.

Because Death gave a speech that became a summary of all the villains through this show, Castiel is the one purifying each mean word by transforming them into Dean's virtues.

While naming Dean's sacrifices and protective behavior, and showing him HE DID IT FOR LOVE, Castiel is trying to make Dean to see himself as CAS sees him.

Love yourself, because you are precious, because I LOVE YOU. You are not a monster, you are all this good things I see on you.

Gif set credit @mugiwara-lucy

Castiel crying, loving Dean with all of his self, and Dean in shock (or silenced by the network and the writers).

All the foreshadows of Dean gagging, vomiting, swallowing, eating... all of that was for this moment here. Dean's silence. Dean eating his words, Dean being silenced.

We could try to find other explanation, or live forever inside Jackie's magnificent acting options (giving us that swallow and mouth shut, as if he was trying to speak... as if he was trying to reply to his angel...) but truth is... C*W and the writers silenced him.

And then Castiel was swallowed by black goo, again. And that was Misha's last apparition. The ultimate sacrifice for love. Again.

Castiel Love's confession word by word

I'm gonna talk about specifically of the Destiel scene. Word by word, as I wrote in the third meta on the top of this volumen, with some new additions.

“I always wondered, ever since I took that that burden, that curse, I wondered what it could be, what...what my true happiness could even look like. I never found an answer. Because the one thing I want...it's something I know I can't have."

It's canon now that Castiel was wondering what would it be to have Dean not just as a friend, but as a lover, and I'm.... Okay. (Internally screaming).

Pointed by @weird-dorky-little-d, the parallel here with Pamela (Dean's fem mirror in Rocky's Bar) in which she said DEAN ALWAYS WANTED WHAT HE COULDN'T HAVE. It means, both dumbasses in love thought their love were unrequited (in the worst scenario) but maybe to Castiel was the Sacred Oath? Perhaps...

"But I think i know...I think I know now. Happiness isn't in the having. It's in just being. It's in just saying it.”

This is such a deep thought and it talks about Castiel's maturity of character. He understood once for all, that loving Dean Winchester, feeling what he feels for him, and expressing that to Dean, is his true happiness. Because...

METATRON: "(...) You draped yourself in the flag of Heaven, but ultimately, it was all about saving one human. Right?"

Dean: "What are you talking about, man?

This question coming from Dean shows the audience Dean didn't know what Castiel was trying to say. So this could be a clue about Dean thinking his love is unrequited.

Cas: “I know. I know how you see yourself, Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You're destructive and you're angry and you're broken. You're...you're 'Daddy's Blunt Instrument.' And you think hate and anger, that's...that's what drives you. That's who you are. It's not. And everyone who knows you sees it.

Cas: You know, ever since I met you, ever since I pulled you out from Hell...

I was hoping Dean to give us our angel back, but well. It was Jack. Hehehee.

Gif set credit @spnsmile

I recommend to go to the third link on the top of this meta and read @mrsaquaman187 amazing body language reading of this scene!

But now, about what Castiel is saying...

If you are still alive, i just want to point how romantic is this, because he is saying that Dean changed him for good. And he is naming all their family, Sam, Jack, and humanity, the world. Dean. So practically, Cas is saying, Dean showed Cas how to take care of others. Damn...

This is a call back to Castiel's talk with Ishim in 12x10:

ISHIM: The way you let those simians talk to you... Castiel, when did you get so gooey? You know why we're meant to stay away from them humans? Hmm? It's not because we're a danger to them. They're a danger to us. Case in point.

CAS: Well, my friendship with Sam and Dean has made me stronger.

Castiel rewording again, because he knows what Dean did on him, Dean changed him for good.

DEAN (quiet, resigned) Why does this sound like a goodbye?

CASTIEL: Because it is. I love you. (he smiles)

DEAN: Don't do this, Cas.

Dean's last words to Castiel... don't do this, don't confess your love for me and then die again.

It's painfully beautiful. Castiel was the light that touched Dean's life changing him for ever. He was loved and cared by this angel, and at the same time, Dean learned how to love Castiel in silence.

To Conclude:

The most beautiful love story ever told could've ended differently, happily, the way Dean and Cas deserved. But it ended up as a tragedy.

And we are here to fix it.

Destiel is canon and Destiel is forever.

Hope you like this meta. See you in the next one that will be the last one!

Tagging @magnificent-winged-beast @emblue-sparks @weirddorkylittlediana @michyribeiro @whyjm @legendary-destiel @a-bit-of-influence @thatwitchydestielfan @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @lykanyouko @evvvissticante @savannadarkbaby @dea-stiel @poorreputation @bre95611 @thewolfathedoor @charlottemanchmal @neii3n @deathswaywardson @followyourenergy @dean-is-bi-till-i-die @hekatelilith-blog @avidbkwrm @anarchiana @dickpuncher365 @vampyrosa @authorsararayne @mybonsai1976 @love-neve-dies @dustythewind @wayward-winchester67 @angelwithashotgunandtrenchcoat @trashblackrainbow @deeutdutdutdoh @destiel-shipper-11 @larrem88 @charmedbycastiel @ran-savant @little-crazy-misha-minion @samoosetheshipper

@shadows-and-padlocked-hearts @mishtho @dancingtuesdaymorning @nerditoutwithbooks @mikennacac73 @justmeand-myinsight @idontwantpeopletoknowmyname @teddybeardoctor @pepevons @helevetica @dizzypinwheel @horsez2 @qanelyytha

@destielle @spnsmile @shippsblog @robot-feels @superlock-in-the-tardis @superduckbatrebel @belacoded @madronasky @anon-non2 @cea1996 @lisafu02 @asphodelesauvage @deancasgirl777

If you want to be added or removed from this list, just let me know.

If you wanna read the previous metas from this season, here you have the links:

Volume CXXI, CXXII, CXXIII, CXXIV, CXXV, CXXVI, CXXVII.

Buenos Aires, August 28 th 2021 9:03 PM

#destiel #destiel chronicles #destiel meta #supernatural meta #season 15 meta #15x18 meta #vol cxxviii

[demurecas]

Six months. It's been six months.

It's all Dean can think about as he gets up and starts his day. Rubbing the restless sleep from his eyes, trudging through the quiet halls of the bunker, pouring himself a cup of coffee, sitting himself down in front of his laptop and the same pile of books as the day before.

Six months on the same case, the same question with no answer.

How do we get him back?

Jack joins him at the table first, a quiet "good morning" murmured as he opens a notebook where he's been recording his research. Some mornings he's more cheerful, bounding in with enough optimism that it's contagious, but today isn't one of those days. He quietly reviews his notes from yesterday before cracking one of the books on his stack.

Sam and Eileen swing by an hour later with donuts, which is a nice gesture, even if Dean's stomach is too sour to really enjoy the taste of the maple bar he plucks from the box.

At least the kid seems happy, carefully choosing an unnaturally pink donut with colorful sprinkles to munch on while he reads.

They make some small talk, mostly about what today's leads are and who is researching what. At one point Eileen puts a hand on Dean's back and rubs a soft circle over his tense shoulders, but mercifully she doesn't ask him to talk about what he's feeling.

Because what he's feeling is failure. What he's feeling is shame and loneliness and fear.

What he's feeling is a loss of hope.

"Dean?"

When he looks up from his laptop, the donuts and coffee have been cleared and replaced with a bowl of pretzels and bottles of Gatorade.

"Yeah bud?" he says blearily in Jack's direction, rubbing his face to distract from the way he's made himself wince. Bud. Buddy.All the stupid fucking names I called him.

There's no answer and it's only when Dean drops his hand away from his eyes that he sees why.

In Jack's hand is an envelope with Dean scrawled across the front. The handwriting is familiar enough to send Dean's heart racing.

His eyes dart from the envelope up to Jack's face with an unspoken question.

"I was saying I grabbed this tome because I think I have a lead on a combination of sigils that seems promising," Jack smiles timidly as he taps the large book in front of him with his free hand, "And this was tucked into the pages."

This time, Dean's eyes look from the envelope to Sam, trying to suss out if he knows anything about what it contains. His brother shrugs and shakes his head.

So he turns his attention back to Jack, hesitating for a moment before reaching out to take the envelope. "Good find, Jack," he murmurs quietly as he pushes himself from his seat, giving them all a weak smile as he excuses himself from the room.

When he's in his room, the door closed to separate him from his family, Dean tears the envelope open. He pulls out a few delicately folded pieces of lined paper, the careful handwriting a perfect match to his name scrawled across the front.

Dear Dean, 

Just reading the greeting makes him dizzy and he has to sit down, perching himself on the end of his bed and bracing himself for whatever may come next.

Dear Dean,

It's a Sunday night and as I'm writing this, you have just said good night and gone to bed. But before you left the room, you looked at Jack and then you looked at me and you said, "Today was a really good day."

It was a good day. It was the best day.

And for some reason, I just thought I needed to write it down. I don't think you get to live in the good days enough. I don't think you memorialize the times where you get to just enjoy your life. So I thought maybe if I wrote it down, you could look back fondly and remember this good day. Some day. 

Dean's vision is already blurring at the edges but he continues reading.

It was a slow day – or as you called it a "do nothing day". We don't have any cases at the moment and all of the longterm problems seem to be just distant enough that we've collectively decided on a day off.

Over breakfast, Sam informed us that he and Eileen had made plans for the day, though he wouldn't elaborate, no matter how much you prodded him. When you gave up trying to get him to reveal his plan, you turned your attention to Jack and I instead, asking us what we wanted to do.

Of course I defaulted to Jack and, of course, he defaulted to me, but when we finally got him to choose what he wanted, he said simply that he wanted to drive until we saw something new, something he'd never seen before. He's wonderful that way.

I expected you to put up a front or maybe tease him a little the way you do, to prompt him to give a more solid suggestion, but you didn't. You just smiled at him and said that sounded as good as any other plan.

Then Jack looked at me, thrilled, and said "Shotgun?" – the end tilted up like a question, as if he was asking permission to call it.

You laughed and put a hand on my shoulder, saying "he's learning" with something like pride in your voice and I wished there was something I could say. But there wasn't, so I just smiled.

I couldn't tell you both that I didn't mind sitting in the backseat of your car when he's riding in the passenger seat. I couldn't say that when I watch the back of your heads turned toward each other as the two of you speak over the radio, it helps me remember that there was a time you two existed together without me before. Reminds me that you two will be together without me when I go.

We drove down a long highway with no particular destination in sight, enjoying each other's company and the pleasant weather. I still don't know if you had a plan of where you were taking us or if you were really just waiting until something caught Jack's eye.

After a couple hours or so, something did, though I think you were starting to pull over before he even saw it.

"'Pick Ur Own Strawberries'," he read the words off the hand-painted sign, looking to you then back over the seat at me, "We should do that!"

I agreed that it sounded fun and your answer was slowing to a stop just in front of the roadside stand, a small smile on your face even as you made some grumbling comment about Sam and his penchant for fresh fruit.

We spoke to the woman at the stand and she gave us each small baskets, though you handed yours off to Jack so that he had two. Then Jack led us through the strawberry patch, stopping every couple of feet to bend down and pick the strawberries that he liked. I would follow just behind, pointing out ones he missed or filling my own small basket with the berries he purposely left on the vine for me.

You acted with your usual bravado, too cool or too masculine to do something you deemed childish or soft, but at one point I could see that you realized you were missing out on some part of the experience, so I handed you my basket and we switched places without saying a word.

It was so easy, so nice to be together like that. No threat of horror hanging over head, just you and me and Jack.

At one point I looked over and you two were studying a perfectly formed strawberry. You had it held between your thumb and your forefinger, the sun casting light over your heads so that you both looked golden. You said something that made Jack laugh and then you looked up at me in all your glorious triumph, your smile brilliant, and I wanted to say, "This is what I want. I want you and I want this for us, forever."

But I didn't. I couldn't, for fear of what might happen. If the Empty came to take me – not in front of Jack.

I hope that if it happens – when it happens – Jack isn't there to see it.

When we'd all finished, we brought our baskets up to the stand and paid for our gatherings, the woman handing over a scratch-and-sniff sticker to Jack who enthusiastically displayed it on his sleeve.

He walked in front of us on the way back to the car, his bag of strawberries swaying gently at his side.

You put your hand on my shoulder and looked over at me with this warm, satisfied look on your face and I just thought 'He must know. He has to know that I love him more than I ever thought possible, that every day I love him more than the day before.'

And when the thought crossed my mind that maybe you didn't know, I almost told you. Almost.

I hate the deal I made. I hate the way it looms over me because I see these glimpses of happiness with you and all I want is to say it – even if you told me you didn't feel the same, even if you told me you could never feel the same.

We drove home the way we came, though this time the Impala was filled with the fragrant scent of fruit as we took turns picking berries from the bag and eating them joyfully. You said you'd never knew fruit could taste so good.

When we arrived back at the bunker, we set some aside in the fridge for Sam, then continued gorging ourselves on strawberries as we watched a movie (Jack's turn to pick – he chose Shrek).

What if every day could be like this?  What if there's a life for us outside of cosmic wars and supernatural crusades?

Maybe you'll find this letter before I ever tell you about the deal and we'll find some loophole to fight our way out of it. Maybe you'll never find it at all and this overly long letter will be lost forever.

But if you do find it, whether I've worked up the nerve to tell you in person or not, I think you deserve to know how much I love you, Dean. If I could document every day that made you feel good, every moment that made you happy, just so you could remember that you deserve to feel good and you deserve to feel happy, I would. I'd dedicate my life to making you understand how worthy of love you are.

Maybe I already have.

So I love you, Dean Winchester. For as long as I've known you and until the end of time, I love you.

Yours always,

Cas

The sheets of paper shake in Dean's hand as he reads and rereads the last few lines, only stopping when he realizes he's crying – because if the stupid tears fall on the page, they'll ruin the words Cas has inked there.

He won't ruin another thing of Cas's.

He remembers the day that Cas described, remembers the sun on his face and his fingers in the dirt as he knelt down next to Jack. He remembers the way Cas's blue eyes looked in the rearview mirror, scrunched up from smiling so much.

He remembers how extraordinarily, stupidly happy he was that day. How happy he was with Cas.

And he lets it all out in racking sobs, the letter dropped to the bedspread. He puts his head in his hands and cries the same way he did six months ago, letting the grief and defeat consume him for a long moment.

A few minutes later, when the worst of it has passed, he wipes his eyes with the backs of his hands and his face with his jacket sleeve. When he's sure his hands are dry, he folds the papers back the way he found them, placing them back in the envelope with care. He places the envelope in the drawer of his nightstand, taking one last look at his name so lovingly written across the front before sliding it shut.

As he exits his room, rubbing at his face again to try and clear the evidence of what he's gone through, he expects to return to a room full of pitiful faces, their sympathy oozing out of them. It's almost too much to bear.

Instead, when he crosses the threshold he sees a flurry of activity, Sam scribbling something with one hand and sloppily signing with the other as Eileen nods, pointing to a different piece of the paper excitedly. Jack is hovering over the tome from before, reading off some passage that sounds ancient.

When he hears Dean come in, Jack whirls around to face him, a euphoric joy spilled out over his face. "Dean!" He throws himself against Dean hard, his arms pulling tight against Dean's body. When he pulls away, he nods, "I think we found it."

"What?" Dean's throat is tight with disbelief, his eyes still burnt out from crying.

Jack is practically bouncing on his toes, looking from Dean to Sam and Eileen to the book again. "Where the envelope was, in the book, a new translation of that last spell combined with different sigils," he says excitedly, the most energized he's been in months, "I think we found a way to get Cas back!"

His name spoken aloud for the first time in days, maybe weeks, is enough to jolt Dean into belief. If they weren't sure, if Sam and Eileen weren't absolutely sure, they wouldn't be scrambling the way they are now.

And if Cas had left the envelope in that specific place on purpose, then he must have believed it could have been a solution too.

"Alright," Dean says, clearing his throat and moving back to his spot at the table. "What do we do?"

#destiel #deancas #destiel ficlet #deancas ficlet #happy 6 months!! i have not known peace for 6 months!! #this is post 15x18 but canon divergent so just...yeah! #my writing

[clairenatural]

Suptober 2020, Day 10: Sweet rides. Destiel (and background Saileen), honestly just 2k of state fair fluff

The Kansas State Fair rolls through a few months after their final boss battle with God himself. In the spirit of trying to heal and taking some time to just breathe, they all pile into the impala and drive the three hours to Hutchinson. All five of them, after Sam bounds into the kitchen one morning to excitedly announce that Eileen wants to come, and Dean can’t remember the last time his car (or his heart) was fuller.

Sam spends the first hour of the trip awkwardly turned around in the passenger seat, contorting his long torso to be able to sign with Eileen, until eventually Dean pulls over and makes him switch with Castiel (who probably should have been in the front in the first place). He watches his brother and his girlfriend start trying to teach Jack the ASL alphabet but keeps his own hands resolutely constrained to the steering wheel—if he gave them free reign he knows they’ll do something drastic, like reach out for the angel riding shotgun.

Still, the ride is nice. It’s the early Kansas fall, when the air is turning crisp but the sun is still warm, and the giddy relief of seeing Castiel smile without some cosmic threat looming over them still hasn’t worn off. By the time they pull into the fairgrounds it’s afternoon, and Dean is laughing along with the rest of them. They step into the hustle and bustle of the fair, and Jack’s face lights up in a way it hasn’t since before the weight of killing God was shoved onto his shoulders. Sam and Eileen split off pretty immediately, and they’re so happy Dean can’t even pretend to be exasperated. He’ll make fun of Sam later—right now he just watches them run away, giggling like teenagers, with a fond expression that could border on pining if Dean Winchester was the type to pine.

Then it’s just him, and Cas, and this half-angel kid who’s simultaneously all-powerful and a toddler. Jack, one of the most powerful beings in the universe, quintessential in the defeat of God, who still approaches cotton candy with a childlike wonder fitting for his three years of life. They discover that Jack likes cotton candy but loves rollercoasters. Dean, who discovered he hates rollercoasters a few decades ago, sits this one out—content to watch Jack drag Cas from ride to ride while he sits on a bench and eats corn dogs. When they finally stop for a breather it’s the tail end of the afternoon and Dean greets them with lemonade and funnel cake, and they watch the fair go by while eating the kind of fried food you can only find at state fairs. Cas is dismayed at the deep-fried Oreos. Dean eats three. It makes him feel sick—turns out even his stomach has limits—but it makes both Cas and Jack laugh, which makes it worth it.

Overall, it’s the perfect day, which might be why Dean’s immediately suspicious when Sam and Eileen show up some time later with matching mischievous smiles. They sit down at their picnic table and Sam leans in to slide something into Dean’s pocket, adding a whispered “thank me later” into his ear, before clearing his throat and turning his attention to Jack. “Hey, uh, Jack,” he starts, and Dean’s suspicions grow. “Eileen and I spent most of today playing games—you wanna show us the rides? Maybe,” he nods towards Dean in the least subtle way possible, “give these two a break?”

Jack looks between them for a moment before something seems to dawn on him and he smiles, which Dean does not like at all. “Yes,” he replies, simply, and starts to stand. “The best one is that way.” He points to the exact opposite end of the fair. Dean groans internally. Damn kids.

Cas watches them go with a look of contentment Dean isn’t sure he’s seen on the angel before, and he peeks at what Sam had slid into his pocket—two tickets for the massive Ferris wheel. Dean sighs and looks at Cas, then to the wheel. The afternoon is well on its way into evening now, and the low sun has the metal structure backlit and glowing. He looks back at Cas, who’s watching his odd reaction, confused. “Dean?” he questions.

Dean thinks about how much shit he’ll get from Sam (and Eileen) if he doesn’t go for it. He thinks about having to go another day, or even another hour, without holding Castiel’s hand. He thinks about how there’s nothing really stopping him—not anymore, not with the world safe and Cas not going anywhere anytime soon.

He makes a decision.

I’m in love with you. Please ride the Ferris wheel with me as the sun sets, he thinks.

“There are, uh. Some sweet rides here, huh?” he says instead. Castiel frowns at him, brow furrowed, and Dean wants to be enveloped by the earth like some cliché in a tween movie.

“You’ve spent most of the day avoiding them at all costs,” he points out and, yeah, that was not Dean’s best line. “I had to ride the, uh. The ‘Space Roller,’” he points at a giant spinning structure, “Twice.” Cas grimaces at the memory, and Dean frowns in sympathy. It was the only time he’s ever seen the angel nauseous.

“Jack had a good time, though,” Dean replies, because bringing up Jack is always a foolproof way to make Castiel smile again. Cas smiles in the way he always does when he thinks about his son, and it’s adorable but also off track, so—

“Ride the wheel with me,” Dean blurts out, before Cas can respond to his comment about Jack and before he can lose his nerve. Cas looks startled, either by the abrupt subject change or the two tickets that Dean slapped onto the table with his statement. “Sam—I mean, Sam and Eileen didn’t—” Castiel’s expression has changed to bemused confusion, so Dean stops talking and starts again. “Sorry.” He clears his throat. “Sam had extra tickets. I just thought it would be nice, you know. If you wanted.”

The smile he gets in return simultaneously puts him at ease and sets his heart racing. “I’d like that,” Cas says, like it’s the simplest thing in the world, and he’s already standing and gathering their trash by the time Dean’s brain catches up.

There’s a couple in front of them in line for the Ferris wheel. They’re holding hands. Dean forces his into fists in his pockets. Not yet, he tells himself. Soon.

Unfortunately, the cabin they eventually climb into starts rocking dangerously the moment it’s lifted off the ground, and Dean immediately decides this was a Bad Idea. They get halfway up the wheel before they lurch to a stop and dean makes a noise that is definitely not a whimper as he waits for the swaying to stop.

“Are you alright?” Cas asks, deeply concerned in the way he always is about Dean. Dean shrugs, not letting go of the lap bar.

“Yeah, you know. I just, uh. Got this thing about heights. It’s fine. I’m fine.” He sees Castiel’s face shift out of the corner of his eye and realizes he’s smiling. Dean is having a near-death experience and the angel next to him is smiling.

“Dean Winchester, a man who fought God, is afraid of heights?”

“Shut up,” Dean grumbles. “This thing is not structurally sound.” He tries to crane his neck outside the basket to examine the metalwork, but the movement makes the entire thing rock. He retreats, holding onto the lap bar for dear life, and sneaks a glance at Castiel. “Man, how are you not freaked out by this?”

“I suppose I’m used to falling,” Cas replies, as easy as ever, and it slows Dean’s brain down enough to look at him again. He’s still smiling, but there’s something else there. Something sadder.

“Cas—” Dean starts, but is abruptly cut off by the wheel kicking into gear again, squeaking as it pulls them over the crest of the wheel before stopping once more.

The sun is setting over the fair, casting everything below in shades of orange and gold. There’s the faint sound of children laughing and fair music drifting up from the ground, and the expanse of Kansas is visible beyond the fair’s borders. It’s breathtaking, really. It’s the part where, if this was a rom-com, Dean would make his move.

Instead, he’s clinging to the lap bar of the Ferris wheel car, and Castiel is doing his very best not to laugh in the seat beside him. Dean groans, squeezes his eyes shut, and considers disowning Sam.

“Dean,” he hears Cas say, mirth in his voice but also unmistakable softness, and then a warm hand is covering his own on the bar in front of them. “Look at me.”

He does, forcing his eyes open, and—oh. Cas has moved closer, and his blue eyes are lit up by the last rays of daylight, and suddenly Dean’s heart is racing for an entirely different reason. “Uh. Hi,” he says, because his brain seems to have shorted out, but the corner of Cas’ eyes crinkle into a smile and it’s beautiful.

Castiel’s hand is still warm on top of his own, grounding him even as they’re far off the ground. He’s looking at Dean like he’s the most precious thing in the known universe, and Dean realizes that now, actually, is when he would make a move.

“Hello, Dean,” Cas replies.

And Dean kisses him.

Dean barely registers that Cas is kissing him back—Cas is kissing him back??—when he absently takes both hands off the lap bar to pull Castiel closer, which means the entire car rocks again. Dean makes an undignified noise and pulls back to re-steady himself, and his cheeks are burning but Cas is laughing so that means it’s probably okay.

“When we get back to solid ground I’m kissing you for real,” Dean promises as the wheel squeaks back into movement again. Cas hums in agreement and presses a kiss to Dean’s cheek, and Dean can feel his smile. They hold hands on the bar of the carriage as the wheel turns them back down to earth.

Dean makes good on his promise as soon as they touch down, dragging Castiel behind a nearby tree and pulling him into a real kiss—solid, like the ground they’re standing on. Solid like the foundation they’ve been building for the past decade, of trust and love and family.

When they finally make it back to the picnic table, they look far too disheveled to blame it all on the ride. Sam looks up from the sundae he’s sharing with the other two, grins down at Dean and Cas holding hands, and winks at his brother. Dean rolls his eyes, blushing, but he squeezes Castiel’s hand and pulls him closer.

When they pile back into the Impala later, joined by the army of stuffed animals they’d managed to accumulate (Sam and Dean in an informal competition to see who could win the most for Eileen and Cas, Cas and Eileen irritated at the insinuation that they couldn’t win toys themselves and walking away with even more, Jack being innocently and gleefully good at every fair game he tries), it’s with a peace and contentment that the family hasn’t felt in years. Sam and Eileen immediately fall asleep in the backseat, curled up together, and Jack is watching the Kansas landscape pass by the window with a soft smile. He’s holding a stuffed panda.

They don’t speak much, not wanting to wake up the sleeping couple or disturb the quiet peace they’d created, but Dean and Cas hold hands across the bench seat, and every few miles the angel will pick up their hands to press a kiss to Dean’s fingers. Dean feels like he’s flying, like he’s standing on top of the Empire State building, like he’s reached the peak of Mount Everest. For once in his life, he’s not afraid of the height.  

#suptober20 #destiel #destiel fluff #my words

[tearsofgrace]

written for suptober 20 day 12: rewind

tags: angst, mcd, sorta hopeful ending?, i didn’t proofread this oops word count: 1.7k

also on archive!

Dean woke up tangled in blankets, Cas’ name dying on his lips. It was dark in the bunker, and quiet too. Sam and Jack were probably still asleep.

He ran a hand through his hair and took a deep breath. It’d been three days. Only three days. So of course it wasn’t better. Of course he didn’t wake up without his first thought being Cas’ tear-streaked face, without his entire body shaking, without his hand immediately flying to the fresh handprint burn on his shoulder.

He left his room and wandered into the library. He barely got there before he collapsed to the ground, leaning against the bookshelf for support, cradling his head in his hands.

Visions filled his mind. Of Cas in the Empty, all alone, just laying in the dark without his family. He tried to push them back. But he couldn’t. His mind was just, Cas, Cas, Cas. His hands tightened on the sides of his head and he covered his ears as if he could block out his thoughts that way.

After a minute, his mind started to rewind. Slowly at first, taking him back to a few days ago. But before he could dive into that memory his memories flipped all the way back to eleven years ago. It was like he didn’t have control over his mind. Like some cosmic entity was manipulating his thoughts, making him relive it all.

He saw himself in the barn. Saw Cas enter. He looked so different then. He was a warrior of Heaven, an obedient servant of God, the one who had gripped Dean tight and pulled him from perdition.

Then he sees the beautiful room, ornate gold plating catching the light. He sees Cas pushing him against the wall, remembers the mess of emotions that had jolted through him, watches Cas rebel against an archangel, all for him.

He sees himself teaming up with Castiel, teaching him to be more human. Sees Cas risking everything, choosing them again and again. Sees Cas break Naomi’s hold over him, sees him tell them he loves them on his deathbed, sees it all.

Then his mind rewinds again, and he realizes this is definitely not in his control. He starts to see things he never knew happened. Things Cas had never even told him about.

He sees himself, raking leaves outside of Ben and Lisa’s house. He watches Cas stand there, for almost an hour, conflict in his eyes. Then he watches as Crowley appears, and Cas reluctantly turns from Dean. Dean feels a lump in his throat. Cas could have gone to him. He could have helped him. They could have avoided the whole leviathan mess.

Then his mind fast forwards, and he sees a garage with a car covered in a sheet. He watches himself proclaim, “I’d rather have you, cursed or not,” and smiles at the memory before a sharp pain hits him. He’d never get Cas back now, so he wouldn’t have him. Not ever. Then he watches as he goes to the car, uncovering it while Cas stands there in his white hospital clothes. He watches as Cas mouths “I love you, Dean,” before his face grows sad. When the Dean in the memory looks up, Cas is just watching him curiously. Why hadn’t he said it out loud? Why couldn’t he have saved them both the heartache? He knew the answer though. He wasn’t an easy person to love. Confessing would have been terrifying to Cas.

He’s flying through time again before he can do anything. He immediately recognizes Purgatory. Sees the swirling portal that leads back to Earth. Watches as Dean makes it through the portal and Cas stays behind. He watches Cas collapse, not even turning to face the Leviathan tracking them. He hears the angel mutter, “I’m sorry, Dean,” before the memory dissolves before his eyes.

He finds himself in a large warehouse, yellow poles as supports and bright fluorescent lights overhead. When he looks down, his eyes widen in shock. As far as he can see, dead bodies cover the floor. Well, copies of one dead body. His dead body.

A noise draws his attention and he looks up to see Cas standing over a copy of him, his angel blade in his hand.

“Don’t make me do this,” he says. But there’s no fight behind it. It’s totally empty, the words of a man who has no hope left, who’s will has been stripped from him.

He looks to his right and sees Naomi emerge with a cold smile on her face. “Kill him, Castiel.”

“I can’t. Dean doesn’t deserve to die.”

“Love is a human emotion, a human weakness. You’ve fallen too far. This is how we are going to fix you. Can’t you see? You’re being made whole again. You’re being brought back to God.”

Cas looked up at her, his eyes wide, then back down at the fake Dean. The muscles in his jaw tightened and he drove the blade through Dean’s heart.

Dean fought to get out of his own head. He couldn’t keep seeing these memories. They weren’t his. Cas had never told him any of this… why hadn’t he told him any of this? Why hadn’t he told him that he’d killed Dean thousands of times? How had he even resisted when it came to the real Dean?

He was sucked back into his own mind. He fought it this time, tried to ground himself in the library. But he couldn’t. Some outside force was dragging him inside, forcing him to watch these memories. So he did.

He sees Cas bloodied on the floor, an angel blade sticking out of the book next to him. He hears the door to the bunker shut as Dean leaves. He watches as Cas lays there, he isn’t sure for how long. Then he mutters, “I still love you, Dean Winchester. And I’m going to save you.” Dean has to run, he can’t watch this, watch what he’s done. And this time, it works. His mind moves on.

The barn, the house, the blood everywhere, he recognizes it almost immediately. It’s where Cas almost died. Where that prince of Hell had almost slaughtered him. Where Cas had told him that he loved him.

This is after that, though. He watches as Mary and him climb into the Impala and Sam says he’ll drive home with Cas in the truck. Then he finds themself in the truck with them. It’s silent for a while, then Sam clears his throat.

“Look, man, you have to know… Dean, Mom, me--we all love you too.” Dean smiles softly at that. At least someone had told Cas, even if he’d been too much of a coward to say anything, to process what was even happening.

“Thank you,” Cas said, his eyes fixed on the road.

“And Dean,” Sam took a deep breath. “He’ll come around. Someday.” Dean shook his head. How long had Sam known?

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Cas said. But Dean could hear it in his voice. The bitterness, the embarrassment, the hopelessness. And he hated himself. Because Cas had looked right at him. Right at him and said that he loved him. And still he did nothing.

“He just needs time,” Sam continued.

“Sam. Dean heard me. He heard me and he did nothing,” Cas said, dropping his act.

“I know, man. I know. Look, I’m here for you… if you ever want to talk, or anything.” Dean’s heart dropped again. Sam had been there for Cas, even when it should have been him, it could have been him.

“I appreciate it, Sam,” Cas said as the memory began to fade.

Then everything was black. Dark, empty. And in the middle of it all there were two of Cas. No… one of them, that look of hate on his face, that couldn’t be Cas. The cheap imitation of Cas was bent over the real Cas, disgust on his face. With a shock, Dean realized that it was the Shadow, he was in the Empty. He watched as the Shadow sneered, “I know who you love, what you fear. There is nothing for you back there.” He saw Cas’ eye widened, his pain, his longing all clear on his face. Dean wanted to reach out. To scream that he loved him too. That he wouldn’t let him get taken. But it was too late, it was all too late.

He was back in the library then, back cramping from being in this position so long. He slowly peeled his hands from his ears and looked around, fighting back tears. He was back. And Cas was still gone. Cas, who had loved him from the beginning. Had loved him despite everything. Cas, who had finally told him just three days ago, expecting to get nothing back. Cas, who he’d kissed without a second thought, because those words had been too much, had been everything he’d wanted to hear. Cas, who had disappeared in front of him, wrapped in dark shadows.

“Why are you showing me this?” he shouted to the empty library, wincing as the sound echoed slightly around the empty halls of the bunker.

For a minute, everything was quiet. Then he heard a voice in his head, a voice that sent shivers down his spine, a voice dripping with power. Chuck.

“I’m showing you, Dean, because I needed to break you.”

Then his mind was his own again and he slumped back against the shelves. He’d already been broken. He’d lost the love of his life. But this, this was worse. Cas was gone. They would never have a chance at happiness.

He stayed there on the floor until Sam found him. He didn’t answer any of his brother’s questions, just stared blankly at him. Then he stood up shakily.

“He wanted to break me, Sammy.” His brother looked at him in confusion, but he didn’t bother explaining. “He wanted to break me but I won’t let it work. We’re getting Cas back.”

“Okay, Dean,” Sam said, walking toward him. “We have to defeat Chuck for Cas. Maybe then the Empty will-”

“No,” Dean said firmly.

Sam raised an eyebrow and folded his arms, waiting for Dean to go on.

“We’re getting him back.”

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@fandomstuff67 @menjiiii @witchyanaels @starlightcastiel @chaoticdean @larryforeveralways @samhainsam @ghostsforcas @tlakhtwritesdestiel @wanderingcas @hallowena @spooky-things-do-happen-dean @jayus-fandom-writer @cas-you-assbutt-dean-needs-you @starrynightdeancas @radiantdean @piemaker-from-gallifrey @on-a-bender @eshaninjer @trasherasswood

#mcd #destiel #destiel angst #spn fanfic #supernatural fanfic #spn fan fiction #destiel fanfic #deancas fic #destiel fic #destiel ficlet #my writing

[mittensmorgul]

aaaahahahahahhhhhhahahh the worst thing Sam ever said to dean. 9.13, The Purge:

Dean: About what you said the other day.

Sam: I thought it didn’t bother you.

Dean: You know Sam, I saved your hide back there. I saved your hide at that church — in the hospital. I may not think things all the way through but when I do, it’s because it’s the right thing. I’d do it again.

Sam: And that is the problem. You think you’re my savior, my brother, the hero. You swoop in and even when you mess up you think what you’re doing is worth it because you’ve convinced yourself you’re doing more good than bad... but you’re not. Kevin’s dead, Crowley’s in the wind, we’re no closer to beating this angel thing, please tell me, what is the upside to me being alive?

Dean: Are you kidding me? You and me, fighting the good fight together.

Sam: Just once be honest with me, you didn’t save me for me. You did it for you.

Dean: What are you talking about?

Sam: I was ready to die, I was ready. I should have died. But you, you didn’t want to be alone. That’s what this boils down to, you can’t stand the thought of being alone. I’ll give you this much, you are certainly willing to do the sacrifice, as long as you’re not the one being hurt.

Dean: Alright, you want to be honest, if the situation was reversed, and I was dying, you’d do the same thing.

Sam: No Dean, I wouldn’t. Same circumstances, I wouldn’t. I’m heading to bed.

(bolding mine, because we’re gonna talk about those words...)

The problem in the Winchester Codependency is this. We’ve talked about it for years-- the fact that yes, they’re brothers, but that Dean also still can’t help but feel “parental” toward Sam, because that’s the role he was forced into as long as he can remember. And as many glimpses of this as Sam has had, and as many small (and sometimes large) moments of insight into Dean, he still either refuses to understand this, or blocks it out, or assumes it’s all handled until the next time this issue rears its ugly head again and it’s like Sam developed amnesia again about why Dean defaults to the Bossy Parent role.

I mean, this is not to discount Dean’s own amnesia over the fact that Sam does NOT have the same hangups about feeling “parental” toward Dean in return, because to Dean the role of Brother and Parent are so tangled up together he can’t always tell what’s what. 

And Kevin... he’s not dead because of Sam-- even though he enjoys putting the blame for it on himself. He’s dead because Gadreel felt BETRAYED by Dean, even though he himself had been betrayed for the better part of the entire history of time... so like... there’s much bigger issues here, but Sam reduces them all down to himself. I mean, Dean also blames himself for everything a lot of the time, but not when it’s in the attempt to save the people he cares about.

The whole “we’ll always try to save each other” that is a BIG part of Dean’s personal definition of what it means to be family on a very basic level... Sam just basically stomped on that and told him it was worthless. And the painful irony is that by 10.03, Sam gets this. He finally put on his grownup pants and did something far more horrific than Dean asking an angel he thought he could trust (based on Cas’s word about Ezekiel being a good soldier, and that angel not completely lying about his identity) to save Sam’s life, and then Sam effectively being held hostage by that angel-- which directly hurt Cas and Dean both, as well. So like... at least Dean is trying to keep the bigger picture in mind here.

And Dean has already punished himself for this in direct ways that Sam has also watched first-hand. He’s expressed how he feels he’s poison and went off and took the Mark of Cain, effectively sacrificing himself to spare Sam and Cas and everyone else from Abaddon. So that bit Sam says there in the second bolded segment? Is potentially the worst thing he’d ever said to Dean up to that point. Because Dean himself has sacrificed more than almost everyone else on this show combined-- his own identity, his own happiness, everything he’s ever wanted in life since he was four years old, his own soul in exchange for Sam’s, and most horrifically his own LIFE in a future where he FINALLY had a chance to be free and live unburdened by mechanism that caused their repeated need to make these awful sacrifices in the first place. They’d finally knocked the monkey wrench out of the cosmic gears, unseated Chuck, and then... for some reason Dean thinks one more final big sacrifice for Sam is what “was supposed to” happen? NO. No, no, fuck that sideways with a container ship.

Yes, Sam repents of all of this in s10 and goes WAY over the top on his revenge mission, because he thinks Dean is dead and that some rando demon was just using his body... at the beginning he doesn’t think Dean CAN be saved. 10.03 is the beginning of Sam’s redemption from this.

And this is why 15.20 is not only implausible to me, but outright offensive. They both struggled horrifically with these things and would eventually forgive and overcome them, only to fall right back into it just in time for the finale.

Yes, Sam’s issues with bodily autonomy and possession throughout the series are at play here, too. And that only makes things worse. Dean will only truly begin to understand that after 13.23, when he will-- without hesitation-- once again make the sacrifice himself to save the people he cares about.

I understand both of their perspectives here, but heck it’s super hard not to feel angry and hurt by Sam’s words. I mean, HOW MANY TIMES has Dean been perfectly willing to be the sacrifice for Sam’s sake, and the ONE TIME he made a choice for Sam-- bearing in mind that Gadreel was also playing ALL of them, and using Dean’s face to secure the Yes from Sam-- Sam can’t let it go. I mean, I’ve written about the “who’s to blame for this” argument and how it just goes right back to the start of creation and puts it all on Chuck for locking up Amara. In this circumstance specifically, though, this is at least PARTLY Dean’s personal guilt over “failing” that first trial way back in 8.14. Sam was never the one who was supposed to “sacrifice” himself to close up Hell. Dean even argued with him that they would find another Hellhound to kill, and Sam busted out the Power of Positive Thinking BS about wanting to SURVIVE the trials when Dean was looking at them as a death sentence. Because they always WERE a death sentence, and no amount of “golly I’d really like to live anyway though” was gonna change that. The entire POINT of what Dean did was trying to CORRECT what he felt was a pointless sacrifice of Sam on the altar of saving everyone else.

So yeah, I hate this bit here. :’D

Because as I hinted at in the previous paragraph there... THIS WAS ALWAYS CHUCK’S STORY. That one brother would have to be sacrificed so the other could live. Because that’s the story of him and Amara. Only one of them could rule over creation. Only Chuck could remain free to create the universe he wanted unhindered, and the story of his universe as told and retold through his own creations was his own self-justification for that original crime. And the final episode of Supernatural gave him exactly that, in the stupidest possible way. It was “we can’t have nice things or a happy life, only one’s death so the other can be free.” The irony was that they weren’t truly free. Dean was just ~dead~ and alone and never sought out what he never got to have in life. Sam abandoned everything he’d grown to know about himself to live a half-life without any real satisfaction, until he finally died, too. It’s just... depressing AF. And it all feels rooted in Chuck’s basic plot rather than truly winning for Free Will and humanity.

I typed on this so long that 9.14 ended, with Kevin’s admonition to them both that they stop behaving like that, since he’d ben watching them be petty from the veil for months. Dean was ready to talk to Sam, but Sam had already turned his back and walked away, completely convinced of his own righteousness in this matter. And at this point in the series I just kinda want to yell at him... >.>

#spn 9.13 #spn 10.03 #breaking the codependency #chuck's process #spn 15.20 #spn 9.14 #spiders georg of the tnt loop