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fairythingflies · 7 months

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this was long overdue. plain text below

Hello. If you’re reading this, I am coming out to discuss a part of my life that I’ve hidden for a very long time–mostly out of fear and shame. I’m still afraid–but I will not be ashamed any longer. It’s so typical to say, “I didn’t want to make this statement,” but it’s gotten to the point where my loved ones are telling me that I have to do something. That silence will only cause further harm.

Over the past four and a half years, I’ve endured an endless nightmare of abuse, stalking, and the resulting psychological trauma from a previous romantic partner. To many of you, this is probably a blindside–but the people close to me have witnessed the effects the whole time.

I’m not going to name the person who abused me today, because the last thing they need is harassment–no matter how vile you find their actions. I didn’t want to do this, but it’s gotten to a point where it feels necessary, for several reasons:

The very real emotional harm of repressing my story for several years

The harm that the stalking and harassment have caused me and others

To, hopefully, show other survivors of sexual abuse, gaslighting, and stalking that they are not alone, they are not monsters, they are not crazy.

This is my story. TW emotional and sexual abuse, gaslighting, stalking.

In 2019, when I was 18 years old, I entered my first serious romantic relationship–and it was an extremely traumatic and abusive one. I’m not going to pretend I was a saint–I said and did a lot of stupid, hurtful things, on account of being a very inexperienced teenager, but I can also acknowledge now that I was abused.

This person isolated me by trying to convince me my family was abusive and dangerous; additionally, whenever I tried to bring over my friends, they’d make me feel guilty, talking about how being around people I cared about was physically painful for them.

And they assaulted me. Multiple times. They’d force themself on me when I was visibly distressed, and I once had to go to a doctor because of injuries they’d caused me. I don’t want to provide further details here, and I hope you don’t expect them. I have spent years replaying some of the most painful memories of my life in my head, and that already hurts enough.

While dating this person, my mind suffered: I fell into psychosis, I had severe OCD attacks, I developed disordered eating… I was overall severely unwell. This caused me to lash out in ways I acknowledge were unfair and harmful, but this person continued to exacerbate my symptoms regardless, much of it through ableist acts that targeted these symptoms.

As mentioned, I struggle with OCD, and this person would say things that triggered it, even after I told them they were triggers–for example, I’d be worried about bad things happening to them, such as illness, and they’d repeatedly say they’d be “lucky” to reach age 65 without dying. They’d hear about my religious obsessions (which during the abuse became full-on delusions due to mental duress), and play music they wrote about their own religious delusions. They claimed to be “worried” for me after the worst of the episode ended, so there’s no way they didn’t know what I was going through. They also scrutinized my very real fear responses, accusing me of being “happy” when strange men harassed us for being a visibly queer couple.

In 2020, at age 19, I recognized that this relationship was doing more harm than good. I was out of town for a family event and able to talk to my family without them around, which helped me come to that revelation. I told my partner I wanted to talk about our relationship when I came home. They immediately publicly accused me of abusing them. This is where it all began: I tried to leave, and they retaliated.

They’d gaslit me into thinking I was a terrible person for months, and this public explosion made me completely break down. I became hysterical–I replayed traumatic memories over and over, looking for any sign I misbehaved, and even when I came up with none, I remained dominated by fear–that it was somehow true, that I was abusive, that everyone would believe it, true or not.

Worse, I believe people took screenshots of me venting to others in this incredibly vulnerable state and somehow sent them to my ex. At this time, I was in a strange city, spiralling out of control–I wasn’t eating, I wasn’t sleeping, and I was completely detached from reality. I simultaneously believed everything and knew it was wrong. Until you’ve been in this kind of situation, I feel like it’s impossible to understand.

I’ll own that I broke down and said some terrible things, ranging from spiteful to nonsensical. I am deeply sorry for it. I have spent years bettering myself on so many fronts to ensure I never have that kind of harmful episode again, but this outburst happened because of months of gaslighting and abuse, because the second I implied to this person that I wanted to end our relationship, they retaliated by dealing a massive blow to my already fragile mental state and trying to ruin my life.

And they haven’t stopped.

I am 23 years old now. There is nothing I want more than to leave this trauma behind, but recovery hasn’t been easy because the person who inflicted this pain has not left me alone. Since 2020 and as recently as this year, they’ve followed me and come after my career and relationships, usually by spreading misinformation about me in the form of “warnings” that I am “dangerous”–albeit with minimal success. I can think of exactly two times they lost me gigs–though the fact it’s happened at all is part of what moved me to come forward.

This is in no small part because of the simple fact that their allegations range from exaggerations to outright lies. I’d say about 80% of it is false, 15% is technically true but out of context or a product of serious mental duress, and 5% is actually true.

Some of the lies are comical, with how easily disproven they are. There’s one where my ex randomly declared I live in a gated community… but I don’t. My house has a gate because we used to own dogs. There’s also the implication I was stalking them–it seems more like the other way around, with the way that they hunt down people who associate with me. I also remember once hearing I’d harmed an ex-girlfriend of mine with osteoarthritis… despite never dating anyone with osteoarthritis. Still, people who don’t know me might believe these things, as ridiculous as they are.

Some of the lies may be based on genuine misunderstandings. For example, against my wishes, a relative called the police on my behalf when someone harassed me with a burner account that referenced my legal name. I will apologize for not trying harder to de-escalate the situation–I knew police were more than capable of making the situation worse–but I was not the instigator (as well as barely coherent at that point due to the stress).

Some of the lies, though, are downright disgusting. I resent, for example, the implication that I have lied about my ethnicity. I identify as white, but my grandmother is mixed Metis and I inherited her status long before I knew what that meant–though again, I identify and move through the world as a white person. It came up a few times in our relationship because I figured my grandmother would be able to help my ex-partner with accessing their own Indigenous status, if memory serves. But I digress.

Additionally, the idea that I ever did anything without the explicit consent of this person is reprehensible–every single time we were intimate, I received either a verbal affirmative or some nonverbal gesture of consent such as leaning in for a kiss. Every. Single. Time.

I won’t pretend it’s impossible I hurt them, but not in the way they are claiming. I apologize for any pain caused, and I mean that, but the scenes they describe simply did not happen. They tried to convince me they did, that I did terrible things, but I’ve forced myself to relive my time with them enough that I know I’m not the person they say I am.

And for that 20% of things that are even a little bit true, I’ve been working on accountability and educating myself on everything I can–my emotional regulation issues and the thoughtless, harmful statements they brought about, for example, and handling my OCD better so my intrusive thoughts don’t hurt others as much as they hurt me.

And yes, I read about consent. That’s how I realized that what my ex did to me was assault. It’s another part of why I’m coming forward–it’s a special kind of pain, coming to terms with the fact you were raped while a bunch of strangers think your rapist is the victim.

I’ve written out several versions of this statement, some almost forty pages long. They contain the paper trail of sexual abuse counsellors I’ve seen, medical records from when my ex’s actions sent me to the clinic, and even years-old journal entries and conversations with friends where I discuss being assaulted in terrible, triggering detail. I still keep these things as reminders that what I experienced was real, because my worst fear is not being believed.

I can’t reiterate this enough: I physically cannot get rid of graphic records of my assault because I’m scared of not being believed. I have spent years retraumatizing myself because of what my rapist has put me through.

I’ve also spoken to other people who escaped abuse and were villainized by ex-partners, and I’m harrowed by how much of my own story I see in theirs. You really begin to question your reality, and you keep going back to these dark places and painful memories–and you analyze them, and recount them over and over, always recounting and documenting, so you remember them and believe yourself.

I know “gaslighting” has become a meaningless buzzword to many, but it’s gaslighting that caused me to obsessively document and remember my abuse. No survivor should have to endure this. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

People watched me fall apart in real time. They might not have known the details, but they knew something very, very bad happened to me. I apologize to everyone who saw me in this state–I imagine it was upsetting. I’ve spent the last few years working very hard to recover and become a positive presence in the lives of others, and I really hope I’ve accomplished that.

Allegedly my ex is receiving therapy for what I “did” to them. That’s great. I wasn’t perfect–and even though I didn’t actually do a vast majority of what they accuse me of, I see no reason why my ex shouldn’t get help if they’re hurting.

Again, they consented to everything we did, either verbally or by initiating physical intimacy (i.e. kissing). I can’t say it’s impossible they were hurt, though, because people can be harmed by consensual interactions. I would know–I’ve been that person who was seriously hurt even though nobody actually did anything wrong. Trauma’s complicated like that, and sometimes there’s no perpetrator in the traditional sense.

My abuser is a person with a lot of pain–and was long before they met me. If therapy keeps them from hurting another person how they hurt me, then that’s an inherently good thing. I used to hope they’d never touch anyone again, but maybe therapy means they won’t hurt the next person they pursue.

That said–they still assaulted me, and they are still, to my knowledge, stalking me and spreading false information.

Honestly, I’m tired of them having such a major role in my life–and the idea of taking that power from them is part of what’s given me the courage to do this.

On the off-chance they read these words, I’m going to be succinct: I know what you put me through. Don’t waste your time objecting or trying to tell me it was my fault. This is my story, not yours, and you’re the one person whose belief I don’t need. You raped me. You are a rapist. People saw what your abuse did to me. A body of evidence like this doesn’t come out of nowhere. I didn’t spontaneously develop PTSD. You did this.

And even now, I’m sparing you–I could say who you are, contact people you work with. I could do what you tried to do to me, but it’d actually be true: I could share my medical records, diary entries, and testimonials from those who saw what this did to me.

But I’m not. I’m giving you the chance to just leave me alone and be left alone.

So, where does this leave us? I suppose it leaves me out in the open as a survivor of sexual assault, stalking, gaslighting, and so on.

That is unbelievably terrifying. I keep telling myself that it’s worth it to be open, that maybe it’ll make other survivors feel less alone, but I’m afraid.

I’m afraid people will make assumptions, victim-blame me, or somehow side with my rapist. I’m afraid this will change how friends, family, and acquaintances see me. I’m afraid of how my abuser could retaliate. I’m afraid that my community, the art scene that was so invaluable to my recovery, might not want anything to do with me anymore.

Also, I’ve already gotten serious backlash as a survivor.

So-called leftist/inclusive spaces have sided with my rapist. They’ve said they can’t work with me because of what they’ve “heard,” and when I tell them about the abuse/stalking and offer to show them evidence, including that paper trail of therapists and medical documents, they respond that they “lack the resources” to look at them and shut me down.

I tell people I’m a rape victim, and they say they don’t have the “resources” to listen. They side with the person I’m telling them is a rapist.

What happened to “believe victims?” Is that only on a first-come, first-serve basis?

I’ve also had to end personal relationships because of the victim-blaming I’ve endured. Former friends have said I “did this to myself.” People who I’d confided in, people who’d believed me, who’d seen evidence of my assault, said this.

So, no, I really don’t want to come out as a survivor.

This has been an unending nightmare for, more or less, my entire adult life. I am hoping that opening up will allow me to start recovery in earnest.

My therapists over the years all agree I have PTSD–my doctor says it might even be C-PTSD. Regardless, I’m affected by this disorder every day: the nightmares, the emotional dysregulation, the constant sense I’m being watched, the lasting intrusive thoughts from my headspace in 2019, and so much more–it hurts beyond words. I’ll never know the person I would’ve been if I hadn’t been assaulted, and I mourn that every day. This trauma has cost me so much, especially in my personal life–not because anyone involved ever believed my ex, nobody who knows me ever has, but because my trauma has given me lasting trust issues, paranoia, and all these other symptoms that hinder relationships.

I quite literally owe my life to those who have stayed with me and loved me throughout the years, and the treatment I have received. Especially those who have endured harassment from my abuser, because yes, that’s happened.

I hope that by publicly addressing this, I can be supported by all of you, too. It’s been physically painful sharing this story–it literally took me months to write this–so I really hope it wasn’t for nothing. I hope the community I’ve found solace in can have my back when it really matters.

I don’t like asking for much from people, but I can’t make myself feel safe and believed alone. If you could share this story, that’d truly mean the world–and if you see my ex’s so-called “warning,” please report it. If you hear people sharing my abuser’s allegations, chime in with the truth. Quash rumours. I don’t know how many people my abuser’s reached, or how loud they’ve been shouting these past few years, but I hope we can be louder.

If you have questions, I can try to answer them–whether you have concerns that I can debunk, or have experienced something similar and want to hear from someone who understands.

It’s frightening to share this now, but I hope that in the future, this can be a story of a survivor being supported by their community, and escaping the spectres of their abuse.

I hope I can make and share my art without being afraid again. I hope I can be known as a survivor. I hope I can be believed.

All I ever wanted was to be believed. Thank you.

#Fairything #itsfairything #fairythingflies

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harderrain-sweetersun · 1 year

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Blog Post 4: On Like Daughter

Tananarive Due’s Like Daughter surrounds a woman (Denise) who is having a mental breakdown after her husband leaves her. However, as the main character of the story comes to realize, Denise’s distress does not stem from the collapse of her marriage. It stems from her daughter—Denise must witness her daughter, a literal clone of herself, go through her first trauma as her father leaves her. This story stuck out to me as it surrounds the ethicality of cloning. In this universe, scientists have discovered how to clone any living thing. The Supreme Court subsequently bans the production of “copycat babies,” reasoning that humankind should not be in the business of recreating souls. I found it most interesting that, in this universe, after discovering cloning, 240 people immediately signed up to be cloned and have copycat babies. For Denise, this was so that she could attempt to relive her life without the horrific abuse and trauma she endured to see if she could have turned out better. The narrator brings up that she does not know why anyone else would want to go through with the procedure, and suggests narcissism or nostalgia as two possible explanations. This struck me more than anything else in the piece. Humans have dubbed ourselves as the most advanced species, citing anything from skyscapers to cerebral cortices to support this statement. I did not find it surprising that hundreds of people signed up to clone themselves; rather, I found it surprising that more people did not.

Even in a world plagued by overpopulation, we convince ourselves that we are unique—that we are special. As a psychology major, I have studied some of the biases that lead us to this kind of thinking. For instance, we tend to believe in the just world hypothesis: good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. This is the same attributional bias that leads us to believe that when we cut someone off on the road, it's because we are busy, but when anyone else does it, they are bad drivers. We want to believe that we are perfect, and that our only flaws come from our environment—the way our parents raised us, our relationships with others, the hardships we faced in childhood. It is far easier to believe that we would have been perfect if not for our baggage than to admit that we are born flawed, and that some of our flaws just become more salient under duress. I believe that in a world where people could clone themselves, more than just a few hundred would. So many of today’s parents already try to live out their own shortcomings through their children; I find it difficult to imagine a world in which people wouldn’t jump at this perceived opportunity for a second chance.

By no means do I think that the “copycat children” are a good thing. The only true aspects which separate human life from things like AI are our innate ability to be unarguably conscious (which, some would argue, AI is beginning to develop) and the knowledge we must hold that one day, we will be gone. The only reason we have to find meaning in our traumas is that we only have this one life—we must either find meaning in our past or continue to ruminate on what might have been. Like Daughter is a clear depiction of what happens when someone is allowed to do the latter. Denise becomes obsessed with the idea that she can create a perfect life for her daughter—a perfect life for herself—in a feeble attempt to erase her own trauma. As Denise learned, we cannot erase our past, but we can use it to grow.

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percabeth4life · 3 years

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Sorry to just jump in here and drop this on you, but i saw a blog once call percabeth an abusive relationship???? and i was like ?????? but none of my friends read pjo so i cant ask them for thoughts, how about you?

Oh boy anon so this is a thing.

Percabeth is abusive is a common thing those that hate percabeth or ship something else and want to validate it say, and why I have the “anti-percabeth” tag blocked.

I’ve seen people say Annabeth just giving him a dirty look was abuse, people will reach for anything done between them that isn’t perfect, usually to justify why their ship is better.

Honestly, I’m open to most ships. Percabeth is my main but if you ship things that’s totally fine, even if I don’t like it I won’t say you shouldn’t ship it. I read non-Percabeth ships, but a lot of people feel a strong need to insist a ship is abusive if they don’t like it.

It’s fine to just not like a ship.

First off lets preface all of this with a warning that I’ll be discussing abuse here so if that’s upsetting skip it.

It got long, like very long (word count is nearly 3k), so it’s all under the Read More, there’s a TLDR at the very bottom.

Now then, what is abuse?

There are two definitions that pop up with a quick google search

Use (something) to bad effect or for a bad purpose; misuse.

Treat (a person or an animal) with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly.

If you look up the legal definition (law.cornell) used to define abuse there are more options, but I’m leaving out 2, 3, and 4 cause 3 and 4 def have nothing to do with this and definition 2 is in regards to child abuse.

Abuse, generally: physically, sexually, or mentally injuring a person.

Now if we want to go deeper in lets define physical and mental abuse. I’ll be leaving out sexual as that has no bearing on this particular situation.

Physical abuse is defined by healthyplace.com as

Non-accidental use of force that results in bodily injury, pain, or impairment. This includes, but is not limited to, being slapped, burned, cut, bruised or improperly physically restrained.

Now lets expand on this.

Something that is pointed to specifically is the mentioned intent. “Non-accidental”. It must be purposeful harm.

Now, I will also point out that Physical abuse doesn’t necessarily say the intent needs to be abuse, but as my lawyer parents state it simply needs to be “intent to harm” and it gets labeled abuse. The legal definition (given above) agrees, it is simply that it needs to be purposeful harm. But then we need to define this harm, especially the bodily injury, pain, or impairment.

Bodily injury is defined by Merriam Webster as

any damage to a person's physical condition including pain or illness

Now what is damage?

loss or harm resulting from injury to person, property, or reputation

So then harm is defined as... damage, so the definition I prescribe to (and I asked my lawyer parents to confirm, unfortunately I have no link for that).

Causes pain (pain defined as suffering)

Pain is defined by Merriam Webster as

a localized or generalized unpleasant bodily sensation or complex of sensations that causes mild to severe physical discomfort and emotional distress and typically results from bodily disorder (such as injury or disease)

a basic bodily sensation that is induced by a noxious stimulus, is received by naked nerve endings, is associated with actual or potential tissue damage, is characterized by physical discomfort (such as pricking, throbbing, or aching), and typically leads to evasive action

mental or emotional distress or suffering

Finally impairment is

diminishment or loss of function or ability

(all of the above definitions except harm are pulled from Merriam Webster linked with Bodily Injury)

Okay, so now lets consider it, physical abuse needs to cause damage to someone, it must be purposeful damage though the intent to abuse does not necessarily need to be the intent. So if your actions do not intend physical harm then it is not physical abuse.

So then, do Percy and Annabeth have a physically abusive relationship?

Lets start with the classic one that everyone likes to bring up, the Judo Flip.

First off, do Judo Flips hurt? [sourcing (1) (2) (3)]

They CAN hurt if done with that intent, but if your intent is to not harm and you are trained properly, No Judo should not hurt. Anyone properly trained in Judo should know how to prevent harm. (1, 2)

On top of that, the first thing anyone learning Judo is taught is how to fall.

All judoka learn to fall safely, by rolling and breaking their fall with Ukemi. This breakfall absorbs the impact of the throw. (3)

Percy should have the basics of this down seeing how he was already in matches (mentioned in book one prior him being claimed) in his first summer at camp, after four years he’s definitely got the basics down.

Therefore, the Judo flip did not intend to cause harm, nor did it appear to. Despite that it was on stone, and Annabeth had him pinned, Percy didn’t even show discomfort. He laughed.

On top of that, when Annabeth last saw Percy he had the Curse of Achilles. As far as she was aware, he still had it. A requirement of Physical Abuse is the intent to cause harm, every factor here shows that there was no intent to cause harm.

This scene was not physical abuse, it was just bad writing.

I can think of other scenes, only a few, before they were actually in a relationship. In book three Annabeth punched Percy in the stomach when he didn’t catch her hint that he should ask her to dance

She punched me in the gut. ‘Me, Seaweed Brain.’

‘Oh. Oh, right.’ (TTC, chapter 1, page 8 of book on my copy)

There doesn’t seem to have been any harm done as he doesn’t even mention it hurting, not even a pause, just went “oh yeah her”. So it was likely a light punch, the kind friends do that don’t hurt just catch attention. Annabeth has been trained since she was 7, she should know how to throw a punch without actually causing harm.

If anyone wants to bring up other examples, feel free, I’m not combing the books right now for examples but I will reply to them (preferably in asks so this post doesn’t get super long...)

I cannot think of any examples of Percy hitting/punching Annabeth nor any other kind of physical interaction, if someone wishes to bring one of those up feel free.

Does this mean that I think they should be hitting each other despite the fact that it’s clear there is no intent to harm?

No, I don’t really think they should be hitting each other.

But! An important thing there is their own boundaries, not mine. I would not be up for being hit but I do share friendly punches with my friends, which is similar in intent. It’s simply that they’ve been trained to fight and have to a lot to survive so their boundaries for what is “harmful” are different.

But that’s a whole different issue and a different academic essay :)

I don’t believe there is any physical abuse in Percabeth.

Moving on, Emotional abuse (which Psychological and Verbal added as they all connect).

Emotional abuse is defined by helathyplace.com as

Any act including confinement, isolation, verbal assault, humiliation, intimidation, infantilization, or any other treatment which may diminish the sense of identity, dignity, and self-worth.

It also covers Psychological abuse and verbal abuse. Psychological abuse does not have a definition available on the site I’m using but it does have a description. If you’d like to read the description go (here). I will add a detail of how it works though

Psychological abuse signs and symptoms may start small at first as the abuser "tests the waters" to see what the other person will accept, but before long the psychological abuse builds into something that can be frightening and threatening.

Verbal abuse definition defined by healthyplace.com is

Any language or behavior that seeks to coerce its victim to doubt their perceptions or their abilities and subjugate themselves to the abuser.

So considering that, we note another important factor here, they also have intent involved. “Test the waters” and “seek to coerce” for Psychological and Verbal abuse.

Emotional abuse is different in that it does not specify intent, except every item mentioned is purposeful. If you’re confining someone then you’re doing that on purpose, you cannot easily accidentally do most of that. Those actions carry intent, even if the intent is not abuse.

Now then, is percabeth emotionally abusive?

Once again I’ll start with the big thing people point out, the Judo Flip.

I’ve seen it point out that it could be seen as humiliation.

Annabeth grabbed his wrist and flipped him over her shoulder. He slammed into the stone pavement. Romans cried out. Some surged forward, but Reyna shouted, “Hold! Stand down!”

Annabeth put her knee on Percy’s chest. She pushed her forearm against his throat. She didn’t care what the Romans thought. A white-hot lump of anger expanded in her chest—a tumor of worry and bitterness that she’d been carrying around since last autumn.

“If you ever leave me again,” she said, her eyes stinging, “I swear to all the gods—”

Percy had the nerve to laugh. Suddenly the lump of heated emotions melted inside Annabeth.

“Consider me warned,” Percy said. “I missed you, too.” (MOA, chapter 2, page 19 of my copy)

If you look at the scene itself you’ll see that Annabeth is very emotional right then, she just got her boyfriend back, she’s exhausted from months of worrying, she’s emotionally very strained, and she judo flips him as all her pain just fills her.

A lot of people with anxiety or high stress or similar issues have times when the anxiety doesn’t affect them during the time they’re stressed, but right after the stressors are gone.

It’s clear that’s what happened here, all her feelings that she’d been burying to work just filled her.

And Percy smiles up at her and says he missed her.

It’s clear from her own comment that she didn’t care what the Romans thought (said right after they almost attacked her) that her thoughts were not on how this looked for Percy, but for her. She knew it looked bad for her to attack him.

She wasn’t trying to embarrass or humiliate Percy, she was trying to get all that pain and stress and anger out. I don’t like how it was done, but it did not physically harm him (nor did she expect it to) and it clearly did not humiliate him.

He smiled and said he missed her.

He understood what she was going through, and made it clear he loved her.

I still think it was bad writing, but it’s not humiliation, nor is it emotional abuse.

Another thing I’ve seen pointed out is Annabeth’s nickname for Percy.

Seaweed Brain.

I will start this with a reminder that both of their nicknames for each other were originally meant as insults.

Wise Girl was first used by Clarisse and it clearly upset Annabeth, it is used twice by Clarisse actually.

Once in TLT, when she and Percy first meet, and once in SOM when they’re attacking Charybdis.

Percy in comparison uses Wise Girl twice as well, both in TLT, once when he was mocking her at her coming along on the quest and once when they were saying goodbye. It’s also used once in HOO, in BOO.

Honestly it’s not much a nickname... only used by Percy 3 times in all the (main) books. There are like 3 other cases in all the side stories and MCGA combined.

Annabeth uses seaweed brain a total of 41 times in all the books combined, in PJO it’s used 25 times, 22 by Annabeth, and HOO it’s used outloud 9 times, all by Annabeth. On top of this, while the PJO cases were all outloud, the HOO cases were not, with 2 (making the total 11) used only in Annabeth’s thoughts.

Seaweed brain is used in TLT 6 times, 5 times by Annabeth.

The first time is when Annabeth is joining the quest, then when he says things are going fine so far when they start the quest, then when at the Ride of Love, then when Annabeth calls him her friend, then when they’re saying goodbye.

If you watch the progression of it it’s the same as with Wise Girl, though used more often. It starts as an insult, and then becomes fond and a term for her friend by the end of it.

I don’t particularly want to label every single instance, but a quick overview of all the PJO books is that it’s used by Annabeth in annoyance a total of 4 times, in fondness/exasperation/worry 18 times. Those times of annoyance were all in books 1 and 2, the time of exasperation (1 of the 18) was in book 2.

The vast majority were done out of worry, and the rest when she was being soft.

It’s not meant to diminish his intelligence, nor is intended as an insult beyond book 1 and 1 instance of book 2. It is rarely used because he’s being ignorant either. You can make an argument for the first case in book 3 being done because he wasn’t catching her hint to dance and thus was mocking his inability to catch a hint, but it was mixed with fondness from my read.

Overall the nickname is not intended as an insult anymore, it has become a friendly name for Percy that shows how fond Annabeth is of him. She does not have nicknames for anyone else.

In HOO all the cases were relatively fond, with one that she didn’t say outloud being used when she was cheering Hazel up by telling stories about Percy (ah the benefits of long time friendships, you get to tell all the good stories).

In the end I think that it’s cute that they have a nickname for each other, and though there could be more flattering ones, the intent that Percy understands from it and the intent Annabeth uses it with clearly show that it is meant in fondness and was a gradual change from a name that was meant to poke at him. It’s meaning is is fond and loving and it was only used 3 times prior with any other (negative) intent.

Also friends give each other nicknames, and commonly they are meant to be teasing.

There is one other thing I’ve seen brought up, being Annabeth thinking that she needs to keep Percy on his toes (specifically about Rachel in this case) when they’re in Tartarus.

‘Rachel?’ Percy asked. ‘You mean our Rachel? Oracle of Delphi Rachel?’

‘That’s the one.’ Annabeth suppressed a smile.

Whenever she brought up Rachel’s name, Percy got nervous. At one point, Rachel had been interested in dating Percy. That was ancient history. Rachel and Annabeth were good friends now. But Annabeth didn’t mind making Percy a little uneasy. You had to keep your boyfriend on his toes. (HOH, didn’t bother to check chapter number, page 109 of my copy)

So here we see that Annabeth is “keeping him on his toes” but in context, they’re sending a note to Rachel through the Hermes temple in Tartarus. It was not Annabeth bringing it up to mess with him, it was her smiling at the little moment where he was thrown off about Rachel.

Frankly, in general Annabeth doesn’t do anything like that. She occasionally teases Percy but he always teases back. After the Rachel stuff in book 5 things were chill with all of them. We’ve seen no evidence of Percy being uncomfortable with Rachel being brought up, nor Annabeth thinking that it should be brought up for that purpose.

If anything Annabeth has shown some serious abandonment issues in fearing that Percy would leave her over other girls (she needs some therapy after that mess of a childhood but Khiron apparenlty doesn’t think so).

I see this as a case of bad writing with nothing else supporting it, including the scene it happens in.

Even had it actually been something supported by other instances, in the context she says it in it seems more like teasing over an ex where the break was amicable and everyone is still friends, which isn’t abusive or manipulative.

It’s just that Rick is tasteless.

So is Percabeth emotionally/psychologically/verbally abusive? No.

If someone wishes to bring up other instances shoot me an ask.

So in conclusion,

I do not see how it is abusive. There are elements I do not like, and some parts that in my own relationship I wouldn’t be okay with. But in Percy and Annabeth’s relationship they have clear boundaries, they are both more than capable of stopping the other if they do something that upsets them. They have both shown fondness towards the others actions even if it is something that we don’t approve of in our relationships.

If Percy showed upset at her actions that would be different. But we literally see into his mind and he shows no upset at her words or actions. He is fond, he is understanding, and he responds to each instance of teasing with teasing of his own.

Notably I never see people saying Percy is abusive, only Annabeth.

I get a feel that people ask for flawed characters then crucify them if they’re not flawed in easily likeable ways. Annabeth is not a perfect character, I don’t like everything she does, but she is a realistic character and should not be demonized.

TDLR: Annabeth has never purposefully harmed Percy, and Percy has never purposefully harmed her. Neither have verbally/emotionally/psychological taken actions with the intent of harming the other when in their relationship or since becoming friends. There have been instances of upsetting the other but they talked and it clearly was not meant to hurt the other but because they themselves were hurting

Percabeth is not abusive

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cienie-isengardu · 2 years

Note

Disclaimer: this is hardcore. Do you think Sektor practices cutting because he feels that it is not enough for his father and he feels like a failure? He could seek to ease his emotional pain with the physical

It is possible, but personally I don’t see Sektor doing so.

My feelings on that matter are built around two things: the specific nature of Lin Kuei and the tiny reference from Sektor’s bio.

The first is consolidation of a few aspects that seem to me as important factors shaping Sektor’s way of dealing with stress. For one, hiding such cutting practices would be pretty hard between all those master assassins trained to read body language, understand nature of injuries and look for the tiniest weakness in everyone around, especially if his cutting was a constant habit and/or cuts were too deep to not influence Sektor’s daily life. Any self-harm could make it physically or psychologically difficult to perform given tasks and as a result confirm others in the belief he is a failure. Which in the long run would be the most damaging outcome and because of that, it could not bring the needed “escape” from emotional pain.

Adding to that the high possibility that adepts and warriors-still-in-training weren’t using the full gear is another reason that could make it hard for Sektor to hide this eventual self-harm tendencies. The Mortal Kombat Conquest TV series (1998) set in times of Great Kung Lao and Mortal Kombat 9 (2011) telling about modern times goes with that notion in the provided little glimpses of Lin Kuei warriors life. Despite the large time difference, both sources presented adepts in training only partially clothed, usually with naked torso and shoulders

or, in case of awakening cryomancer’s ice powers / final testing the future Sub-Zero, the body was covered only by loincloth.

If that was truly a norm for adepts and still-in-training young warriors, then there were limited ways to cover self-inflicted wounds without drawing unwanted attention from superiors. Bruises and injuries of course were a result of harsh training but for example, if for a long period of time Sektor trained only hand-to-hand combat then having out of blue cutting marks would stand out too much off the acceptable norm. What brings me back to the feeling of falling even more by “providing” the visible proof of not coping well with the stress and pressure.

There is also a matter of minimal or lack of privacy to actually cut himself in secret; the life of adepts was pretty hard and busy with the load of trainings, advanced education and maybe some other duties around Temple that helped to shape the mindset of kids in the most desirable way: into loyal, disciplined and obedient warriors. The sources do not tell us much about the adept's life besides the hardship one must endure and the big mortality among recruits. This always leads me to thinking that the first years of “natural selection” are spent in spartan living conditions when kids are kept together in an appointed zone and are constantly observed by teachers and tested both physically and psychologically and as a result it is hard to keep anything seriously out of “norm” in secret for a long time. Not impossible but for sure difficult. The more adepts prove themselves, the better they are treated and slowly gain respect, some privacy and space to work on their own special skills. There are also missions - the sanctioned time spent far away from the clan, the main source of stress and pressure of high exceptions - on which, in theory, Sektor could cut himself too, but then being sent on one would be a sign he was recognised as someone with good, promising potential and I think in that situation he would rather try to prove himself further than show any sign of mentally distress. But then again, human emotions and doubts work in specific, not always logical ways.

Another thing is how the body was the first and foremost weapon of Lin Kuei warrior to rely on. Thus the natural need of taking care of it to always be at 100% effectiveness was something drilled into adepts’ heads from the first day, I guess. To harm it outside the training and (sanctioned) fights could be a taboo and frowned upon, even more if Lin Kuei’s standards and ideology was rooted deeply in the cult of the body in which fighting members of the clan are perceived not only by skills and traits but through the prism of their corporeality as well. Scars were inevitable in their line of work, but the less scars on the body the more clear signs how well skilled and trained the warrior was to avoid scarring. In the animated Mortal Kombat Legends: Battle of the Realms (2021), there was a scene of Smoke and Tundra sparring - in their typical, full gear which I guess makes sense, since both were using their special powers, so the gear helped to minimize unnecessary injuries. But once Smoke praised Kuai Liang for getting better at fighting, Tundra immediately touched the fresh, bleeding cut on the skin obtained during sparring and considered it a sign of the progress being still not good enough. Of course, it could be just Kuai Liang’s own strict sense of perfectionism but I strongly believe that was rather a common mindset between Lin Kuei warriors. So if getting injured in a fight with other warriors (superiors) could be a reason to feel down, then someone on purpose cutting their own body, once the truth came to light, could be ridiculed, shamed and ostracized on much more scale. What makes the self-cutting even more hazardous and stressing practice in the first place.

That said, it does not mean Sektor couldn’t use self-harm as a way to ease the emotional pain. Frankly, I do think he had some unhealthy habits but I’m more prone to think he overworked himself into total exhaustion to have a few hours of relative peace of mind, when he simply was beyond feeling anything or worrying instead of cutting his own body on purpose. He could also train in a way that left his body more bruised than it was necessary if he needed pain to make him feel numb yet without making it look as “sign of weakness” in face of too much pressure from family and/or superiors. That way, he presented himself as a hard-working, dedicated student while also having some output for choking frustrations and fears.

This leads me to the final thought about Sektor - his MK9!Bio mentions that “What pleases the Grand Master is the degree to which his son relishes the life of an assassin. The secretive clan allows Sektor to express his darker nature, using any means necessary to complete his tasks.” What in itself is not a counter argument for the possibility of self-cutting as Sektor’s specific way to balance his mental and/or emotional health but it for sure hints at Sektor’s violence tendencies. Even if Sektor at some point struggled with father (clan)’s high exceptions, the older he became the more distanced he seemed from human morality, having only the blind obedience to the Grandmaster and obsessive strive for perfection. In my mind, this did not erase his fears of being a failure - and the fact he accepted (volunteered into) Cyber Initiative suggests the opposite, it drove him to the point the human body was seen as insufficient. I guess Sektor was capable of self-harm - and the lack of good copy mechanisms makes it probable for him to rely on such practices - but also he was capable and willing to use violence toward other people and this could be another way to deal with never-ending doubts, fear and self-esteem problems.

Sektor strikes me as a very emotionally withdrawn, introverted person, good with cold logic but sadly without a proper copy mechanism. Growing up in such a strict and harsh warrior society taught him blind obedience to clan doctrines was the key to survival. At the same time, Lin Kuei ideology also created a very limited framework for coping with overwhelming emotions while simultaneously severely punishing any deviation from the accepted social norm. I strongly believe Sektor relied at some point on self-harm to deal with negative feelings but like I said, it was more overworking himself than actually cutting own body on purpose.

If the environment Sektor grew up in was less controlling and rigorous about the importance of body or at least provided some privacy, he would strike me as a person who relies on self cutting to ease emotional pain, but the way I see Lin Kuei society, cutting himself seems to me only as the last resort and I don’t think Sektor was pushed that far. Or rather, he was pushed beyond limits but somehow he managed to bond with Bi-Han (as we were sort-on told in Kuai Liang’s MK11’s ending) to survive the worst of childhood training and once the real missions started, being far away from Grandmaster / Lin Kuei strict doctrines for a longer period of time, helped to calm his otherwise turbulent state of mind and emotions and having Cyrax around, no matter how confrontational and irritating at time he was, didn’t hurt either.

Or at least this is how I see Sektor and Lin Kuei.

#mortal kombat #sektor #lin kuei #tw self harm #my replies #it seems like ask was cut i think?#in short cutting was possible but considering nature of lin kuei i'm not sure sektor would dare to rely on such practice #my headcanons

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mimik-u · 3 years

Text

“Homeworld Bound” Thoughts:

I wasn’t going to watch this one today, but then I realized that I really missed the Diamonds and wanted to consume novel content, so!

OOH, good on the show for taking us directly to the aftermath of “Fragments” instead of putting space between the episodes. That’s just... a really good choice narrative wise.

Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl’s expressions are so distressing here. He’s been gone for three days; they must’ve been so worried.

Jasper steps aside to reveal an absolutely ruined Steven.

He just technically killed a gem and then resurrected her. How intensely will that forever lie on his psyche? Oh my g od

NO, NOT JASPER PASSIVELY MAKING THE DIAMOND SIGN IN THE BACKGROUND AUGH

“You can’t just disappear for days without telling us!”

Steven silent walking up to the Observatory as the Gems continue to freak the fuck out is harrowing. And Dee Dee Magno Hall is killing it with her voice acting here. The simultaneous fear and anger and horror in her voice. Oh my g d

“You guys... I love you, but you can’t help me anymore. I’ve been avoiding the only people in the entire universe who can.” 🥺 This is sad, but I’m also, like, problematic grandmas time!!!!!

“Find something better to do with your life.” God, Jasper’s look of disbelief and sadness here. I didn’t really delve into this during my “Fragments” watch because I was just roridoodwrjfkrkeke reeling, but her reaction to being accidentally shattered is psychologically devastating???? I’d wager that she simultaneously respects the fact that she’s been subjugated by a being more powerful than her, that she’s grateful to Steven for being both subjugator and savior, and likely, she’s conflating this new loyalty with her former loyalty for Pink. This is a really complex psyche (a tragic one most of all).

Garnet: “Steven, remember, we’ll always be your family.” I’m so fucki n emo

AWHWHWH, HOMEWORLD IS SO BRIGHT AND COLORFUL NOW!!!

YO!! Homeworld has a democracy now!! The Zircons!!!!!!!

THE WALL GEM IS MOVING??????? KWOEOEIDJDKSJS

Can u imagine being a wall cursed with sentience. that is so funny on so many levels

But it’s also really interesting, too. If the Wall Gem is a gem in the way say Topazes are gems, which, judging by her mobility, she is—then her explicit purpose in Era 1-2, as molded by presumably Yellow, was to b a wall omg. (Or, arguably, I think it can be argued that the inanimate object Gems, like Comby, were probably accidental sentient creations, made in relationship to their proximity to the Diamonds during their various secretion rituals!!)

Anyway, I love thinking about Homeworld worldbuilding. It’s fascinating.

SQUARE PERIDOT

SPIIIIIINELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!

Her heart eyes!! She looks so happy!

Steven, angry af: “Spinel, what is wrong with you?” / Spinel: Oh, you know—the usual.” KEKDSKDK

Also, Steven really wanted to say fuck there. NEKDDKKSSKKS

“I was such a wreck then, but I am so much better now.” We stan character growth 😭😭

One thing I have loved the Crewniverse so much for doing is never taking away the physical signs of gems’ mental distress, even after they’ve gotten better: Blue’s eye bags, Volleyball’s eye, Spinel’s running mascara. That is so important.

YELLOW SITTING AT HER LIL VANITY!!

IT’S LIGHT INSIDE HER ROOM! THERE R FLOWERS! THRIVE, QUEEN, THRIVE.

YELLOW REVERSING HER GEM EXPERIMENTS OH MY G D

FUCKING QUEEN!!!!!!

(I’m sorry in advance. The rest of the live blog is just going to be screaming about the Diamonds.)

“I can permanently alter any physical form!” She’s so proud of herself. 😭😭😭 I fuckin’ love her.

Yellow laying down on the ground like that is SENDING ME SKSKSJSJ.

Ugh, and her being such a good mom to Spinel. I’m cry in f

“If anything’s out of proportion, it’s your temper. You can be big if you want to, or you can be small if you want to, but if you’re going to be upset no matter what, then this problem isn’t physical—it’s emotional. Go see Blue.”

I really like her advice here because it’s advice that comments so clearly on her own character arc. At her lowest, she was quick to anger, aggressive, and temperamental, which she diagnoses in Steven here. Additionally, she was the Diamond who was concerned largely with physical actions. She coped by maintaining the Empire through conquering planets and maintaining the minutiae of leadership; she thought the only way to receive justice for Pink was through the physical act of destruction. And in doing so, she pushed her own emotions deep, deep down until they manifested in anger, aggressiveness, and temperamental outbursts. This hurt the people she cared about, and it hurt herself most of all.

Also, “Go see Blue. That is her department.” Ejdoiddjdjjsjdjdks, “go see ur other grandma.”

BLUE FLOATING ON A CLOUD!!!!!

“Your powers have been causing you dramatic mood swings? That seems awfully troubling Steven.” God I love her

“You don’t seem troubled.” This is a really interesting line because it comments on how Blue’s emotions, especially her negatively charged ones, used to be so visible all over her; indeed, she both wittingly and actively used to project them on other Gems, forcing them to feel her suffering, too.

OH, SHE GOES ON TO SAY THE EXACT SAME THING EOEODODISSJJS. LISTEN, I REALLY VIBE WITH BLUE.

“Back before you came into my life, Steven, I wanted every one to feel the pain I felt. I realized I must make up for my awful behavior by bringing joy to others.”

Another thing I’ve appreciated about the writing in this episode: So far, both Blue and Yellow have used the adjective awful to describe their former actions. It’s the self-awareness and the refusal to try to excuse themselves that powerfully shows how much they’ve grown. And it’s their continuous endeavors to keep moving forward, to help the Gems that they’ve hurt, that indicates that they’re willing to constantly keep growing and atoning.

NFOFOFDKSSKSKSK, THESE CLOUDS ARE JUST HER VAPORIZED TEARS HELP.

Sick vape clouds, Blue

I’VE HEARD THE SONG BEFORE, BUT EVERY TIME SHE SINGS, I LOSE MY SHI T

LISA HANNNNIGAAAAAAAN

This is such a pretty line: “Cold palace walls, and endless empty halls, haunted by echoes of laughter.”

BLUE ASCENDING THROUGH THE CLOUDS AUSHAHHSHD

BLUE MAKING HEART CLOUDS FOR SPINEL!!

BLUE CALLING SPINEL N STEVEN HER LITTLE REASONS WHY.

“I’LL NEVER MAKE YOU CRY.” This line is particularly lovely because I think it plays well with Steven’s line to her in “CYM:” “How many times did you make her cry?”

BDJDJDJSJDJ, BLUE LAYING ON HER CLOUD LIKE YELLOW LAID ON THE FLOOR.

The way she sings the last “loving you.” 😭😭😭😭 I’m gonna weep. I love her so fucking much.

“I found happiness. If that's not something you think you deserve, then I suspect this is an issue of self worth. I suggest you go to White for assistance with such matters.” 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 And like Yellow did, Blue gets to the heart of her arc cleanly.

Before Steven and before her own emotional reckoning, she didn’t think it was her place to be happy: “I know my purpose isn’t to be happy.” But in learning to love others, Blue has found true, inner happiness, which she literally shares with others. Wow.

And I think there’s something powerful in her distinction between true happiness and self-worth. You can’t find one without espousing the other.

White’s room is so pretty. 🥺

THE FLASHING STROBE LIGJTS DDNJDFJDJDNF.

SPINEL WHITE DIAMOND?!/!:$;8;83&:&:

SHE FUCKING LETS OTHER GEMS CONTROL HE R HELP.

SPINEL MAKING WHITE TAP DANCE FICODODOFODJDNDJSJDJDJJDDJDJ

Steven’s horrified expression omg

“I’m scared I’m gonna hurt people; I guess I already have.” God.

And that’s another thing that this episode has called to mind. Blue, Yellow, and White alike once used their insane powers to hurt other Gems and to hurt themselves, and here, throughout this series, we see Steven discovering that same capacity for destruction and self-destruction. Along with the systematic oppressions they facilitated, a big part of the Diamonds’ modus operandi was that their powers were directly correlated to their mental states and their various inabilities to confront their own selves and effect inner change. The corrective wasn’t necessarily Steven; the corrective was him helping them to do that initial act of introspection and looking inwards. And so, too, will Steven have to do the same by the end of this series. But I presume that his family, all the people and gems who have loved and cared for him, will in effect be his Steven, just as he has always been for them.

“Half a Diamond, half a creature of Earth—in all the universe there's no one else that could know what you’re going through, so maybe it's time you talked to yourself.” This is so viscerally sad. White hits the nail on the head here. Steven’s human friends/family and his gem family and even the Diamonds, who come the closest to matching his own strength, can never fully understand him. It’s the tension that underscores a lot, if not the entire show.

White briefly touches Steven with her nail, and you can viscerally see the trauma on his face; he hasn’t forgotten her act above all, wrenching his gem out, nearly killing him.

“I’m... I’m a Diamond.” Steven, in looking at White Diamond, realizes that she’s a mirror of himself. Holy fucking shit

“I don’t want to be you! I don’t want to be anything like you!” HOLY FUCKING SHIT

“Don’t hurt me! She can’t hurt me! I’m controlling her...” And here, Steven doesn’t light upon the essential thing... in making White punch the wall, nearly knocking a huge rock into him, he’s the one hurting himself.

This show, oh my g o d

“She’s the one who should be afraid.” STEVEN?!!!!????!??!

“No, stop it! I don’t like this!” / “Please, you’re scaring me.” OH MY GO D

HE FUCKING MADE HER SLAM HER GEM AGAINST A PILLAR HOLY HE LL

“What... what was that?” Christine’s delivery here. Holy shit. 😭😭 And both of them are surrounded in the carnage of Steven’s wrath. Holy fucking shit.

This act is fundamentally different than him accidentally shattering Jasper in “Fragments”; this was an intentional attempt to hurt White, to crack her, to break her. Holy fucking shit

Spinel, Blue, and Yellow waiting for Steven outside of White’s door has my heart a little and a lot tender 🥺🥺🥺🥺

SPINEL SINGING I CAN MAKE A CHANGE SO DRAMATICALLY DJDIDJDJDJDJD. (But yeah, lmao, this will absolutely be the conclusion of Steven’s arc at the end of Future.)

“Steven! Let us help you, Steven!” The Diamonds are so concerned (mirroring the Gems back at home, too). 😭😭

He leaves a flip flop behind like Cinderella lmao

“Steven, let us help you!” / “We’re your family!” 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

And just as he implored the CGs, he tells the Diamonds not to follow him either.

Steven is completely and utterly alone.

Not by necessity.

But God, by choice.

Okay, this is my new favorite Future episode.

#blue diamond #white diamond #yellow diamond #steven universe #spinel #s: future #mimiku #DIEOEODJDDNSNSJJD #this episode really did it for me

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loki-hargreeves · 4 years

Text

Loki x Reader - Who Hurt You?

Warnings: ANGST, gore, character death (sort of? It’s hard to explain without spoiling it), mentions of blood, psychological torture, self-sabotage Word Count:3,3K Summary: [Prompt given: Who hurt you?] Thanos has come for the vengeance that they promised if Loki failed to deliver the tesseract. Unfortunately, Thanos finds Y/N before he finds Loki and it gives him a sick plan... Author’s Note: I wrote this while listening to ‘Mad World’ on repeat. It really set the mood for this fic. Please enjoy Xx

THIRD POV

“...You will have your war, Asgardian. If you fail, if the Tesseract is kept from us, there will be no realm, no barren moon, no crevice where he can't find you. You think you know pain? He will make you long for something as sweet as pain,” The Other threatened Loki’s illusion, the slippery words leaving his mouth and going right to Loki’s vulnerable mind. A moment later, the creature’s hand caressed Loki’s head, throwing him back to his physical form now fresh with the threat of his tormentor on his shoulders as a heavy weight.

Even years later, Loki would be reminded of these words in his frequent and tiring nightmares. Never did he think they would be fulfilled.

He had been displaying himself as his ‘father’, Odin, for well over a year now. Everyone thought that Loki was dead, everyone but Y/N. He hadn’t had the heart to lie to her. After all, she had lost him once before when he had let himself fall off the bridge, right into the grasp of a monster greater than he could’ve ever imagined. When Loki ‘died’ of Svartalfheim, he went right to his beloved. To his luck, she was more than willing to keep it a secret. Just between the two of them.

For over a year now, it had worked. Their secret was safe, and they were happy. Together, when Asgard wasn’t looking, they could spend their time trying to figure out a plan to keep Asgard safe from the terribly future only they seemed to know of. Often, they would get distracted by each other. Despite it all, they were happy.

It was a day like any other. The sun was beginning to set, Loki had finished his duty as Odin, and he was ready to retreat to his quarters. No guards were allowed inside. He walked past the last guards and finally he could lift his magic, showing his own true grace. It felt much better to be himself. Tiredly, he walked inside his quarters, expecting to find Y/N asleep already.

What he saw was far from that.

He saw her body on the golden floor, in a puddle of crimson red. Loki’s heart jumped to his throat as he ran to her body, fear nearly paralyzing his body. “Y/N!” He called out her name as he threw himself on his knees, not caring about the pain. With his strong arms, he pulled her on his lap as he desperately tried to search for any signs that she was alive.

To his relief, her eyes opened. She looked at him silently and something about her made Loki feel ill. She didn’t look relieved to see him, nor did she look like she was in agonizing pain, despite the fact her gut was torn open and she was bleeding, surely to death unless she would get aid soon.

“W-What happened?” He spat out in shock, trying to figure out how she had ended up like that. Loki blamed her behavior on the blood loss. “Who hurt you?” He ought to know. still inquiring her. Tears were stinging his eyes as he felt her warm blood soak through his clothes. It disgusted him.

“You did,” Y/N replied, which utterly shocked Loki.

“What?” He breathed out in pain and confusion. Did he hear right? He definitely needed to bring her to the healing room. She was saying nonsense!

Before Loki got a chance to pick her up, her body vanished. It disintegrated into nothingness right in his grasp and left him alone. His entire body got tense as he stared at his now empty hands. It didn’t take long until Loki realized something was horribly wrong. Not knowing what was causing this torment on him made him anxious and sick. Was the real Y/N safe? He had to know!

Quickly, Loki got up on his feet and took in his surroundings. Suddenly, his very familiar quarters didn’t feel as safe as they did before. Loki could almost feel someone – or something – lurking in the shadows. “Show yourself!” He yelled. The ripping ache of fearing Y/N was injured made him reckless. It still had his heart racing in his chest. He didn’t understand how someone had managed to lure him. Loki was the Trickster god! No one should be able to pull off such a trick, unless…

Loki nearly felt his soul leave his body as he realized.

Thanos.

Only Thanos could trick him, but even that required the damn reality stone. Had that monstrous beast truly gotten his hands on it? Loki didn’t really want to think about it, for if it was true, the threat that had haunted him could come true.

Rage, grief, terror, all the feelings Loki felt when Thanos had tortured him now returned. It was like someone just poured salt into an open wound and smeared it around. Shivers ran down his spine and he had a moment of realization that nothing good would follow. Last time, Loki was vulnerable. Although what he had gone through then was haunting him to this day, it hadn’t been the worst. All the pain had been inflicted on him.

But if Y/N was in danger, Loki could never forgive himself.

His chest rose heavily as he stood there, tense, and ready to attack anyone who moved in his vision field. He didn’t see anyone, but he felt someone nearby. The longer he waited, the more impatient the prince grew. “If you seek revenge, you should at least face me!” Loki tried to make the wait end. He was terrified, but he was no fool. He knew better than most that waiting it out would only make it worse.

“You’ve been hiding long enough, Asgardian,” A familiar voice broke the silence, making Loki’s skin crawl in disgust. It came from behind him, so he turned on his feel to face the very man who had been in his head for so long.

Thanos was there. Somehow, only the gods in Valhalla know why, he had found Loki. And to make matters worse, Thanos was holding Y/N by her hair, keeping her jailed in his grasp. Her eyes were horror-stricken and there were tears rolling down her face. Loki noticed how clearly, she had been injured. Seeing the dark bruises and cuts on her delicate body made him sick to his stomach.

As he stood there, facing the love of his life, Loki suddenly felt his self-hatred return. She was in danger and it was all his fault. God, Loki wanted to rescue her, but he knew it wasn’t that easy.

The smirk on Thanos’ face made it obvious that he knew he had Loki trapped.

“Let her go,” Loki tried his luck, but he sounded utterly hopeless. He, if anyone, knew that Thanos wasn’t simply going to let her go. It would cost him something.

“What if I told you I wasn’t even holding her?” Thanos mocked Loki. A moment later, Thanos pushed Y/N out of his grasp, towards Loki. A scream left her mouth, and, on an instinct, Loki tried to grab her. She went right through him again.

Thanos disappeared too, leaving Loki alone in the turmoil of his shock. This couldn’t be happening. It couldn’t be true that Thanos found him, that he found Y/N! It was a nightmare. It had to be. “No,” Loki breathed out, struggling to grasp the reality of the situation. Deep down, he knew that nothing good could come out of it.

Think! Loki snarled at himself. He was the God of Mischief, a Trickster. If he could just focus, perhaps he could play this game of illusions. After all, he couldn’t let Thanos trick him. It must’ve been the only way to save Y/N, to beat Thanos in this game. Even if it wasn’t true, Loki had to try. If not for himself, for her.

“Is that the best you can do?” Loki smirked, shielding his fear with a layer of cockiness. He couldn’t show Thanos just how upset he was.

As if on cue, Loki’s mockery made Thanos act. Y/N appeared right in front of Loki, then beside him, behind him…everywhere. Loki counted at least ten illusions of his beloved, surrounding him. They looked so real that he could hardly imagine using his magic on them. But as he closed his eyes and focused, he couldn’t feel any heartbeats. He couldn’t sense the air filling her lungs and then returning to the room. It was all fake. The real Y/N wasn’t there.

Magic began to spiral around his fingertips, covering Loki’s skin in a warm, electric pulse. It grew fast and he aimed it all around him, watching how the powerful energy beams struck the illusions, making them disappear. The magic continued and knocked over the furniture in the room, but truly, Loki couldn’t have cared less. It was just stuff. That was easy, Loki thought.

It was almost too easy.

Loki knew from experience that this was just the beginning.

“Stop hiding!’, you coward!” Loki snarled, preparing himself for another attempt of being tricked. He couldn’t possibly allow that to happen. If that did happen, Thanos would surely do something terrible.

“Loki!” Y/N’s distressed voice called out for him. Loki turned around, searching the quarters for her desperately, but with no luck. It sounded so real. Loki gritted his teeth together and took a deep breath, telling himself it wasn’t real. For all that he knew, she could be enjoying the evening in the library or at the marketplace. He couldn’t allow himself to believe she was hurt.

“Loki!” This time she screamed. Hearing her like that was almost unbearable. Loki hated that he couldn’t tell whether it was real or not. If it was real, his tormentor was now making Y/N suffer. For what? It was Loki’s fault. He told himself that if they got out of this safely, he would never let anything hurt her ever again.

The air in the room shifted ever so slightly and a moment later, Thanos appeared before Loki. It had a heartbeat. He breathed. It must’ve been real.

Loki swallowed thickly, trying to put on his tough face but he struggled. It felt like the cracks in the walls he had built around him were getting worse, breaking his cascade. Facing that monster was his second worst nightmare, and he was the one who could make his worst nightmare come true.

“I wonder if she’ll take the pain better than you did,” Thanos practically gleamed. It looked like he enjoyed this. Of course, he enjoyed it! He was a sick bastard.

Years of nightmares, pain, and torment that Thanos had inflicted on Loki had made the god angry. He was angry over what Thanos had done to him. He was angry how he had ruined his life. Loki was angry that Thanos had put Y/N at risk.

As his rage snowballed into something strong and almost overpowering, Loki saw red. He couldn’t just stand there. He had to do something! Loki’s hand was behind his back and he began to form another energy ball. It tickled his skin as it grew, more and more power getting into it. Loki knew he had to make it strong enough to knock Thanos over. Even if it was one or two steps backwards, it had to be enough to give Loki time to attack him again.

“What have you done to her?” Loki asked him with a snarl, buying himself more time to make his magic stronger.

Thanos tilted his head, trying to stand there and seem relaxed. “Maybe she can tell you once you meet again in afterlife,” He suggested coldly. That was it. The words pulled a string in Loki and it made him act.

He revealed his hands from behind his back and Loki focused all of his strength and magic at Thanos. To his surprise, the giant, purple beast didn’t see it coming. He didn’t even try to fight it as Loki’s powerful magic struck him. For a second, his magic illuminated the room green. It was so bright that even Loki had to close his eyes.

Suddenly, it was quiet.

As Loki opened his eyes, he expected to see that Thanos had escaped. Perhaps, he even dared to wish that Thanos had been affected by his magic.

But what he saw made him regret his actions.

Y/N was on the floor, right where Thanos had been. Her emerald green evening gown was torn, it looked burnt. Her skin was covered in bruises and cuts, but it also looked like she had walked through hellfire. A hard shell had formed on her skin and to make it more sickening, Loki could smell it.

For a tiny moment, he told himself it was an illusion. He stood there, tears forming in his eyes as he listened to her whimpers. Then he felt her heartbeat, racing wildly in her chest. He could hear her raspy breath.

It was the real Y/N.

And he had hurt her.

Thanos had made her look like him, gods know how, and Loki had released that fatal magic upon the woman he loved.

“L-Loki…” She repeated his name in a weak sob. That’s when he decided to move. With heavy steps, Loki walked over to his beloved, dropped on his knees once again. The shock and guilt made him feel so heavy. Silent tears rolled down his face as he grabbed her with trembling hands, trying to pull her aching body closer to him.

Without wasting more time, Loki tried to use a healing spell on her. He put his hands above her body and he tried his best to focus. Somehow, it just didn’t work. It only took him a few seconds to grow restless. He let out a painful cry as his magic didn’t work on her. It only made the smallest of injuries disappear, but she was still on the line of life and death.

To his horror, he found out why it wasn’t working. It was too late. She wasn’t even trying to work with his magic. This couldn’t be it, the end of their love. It had barely even begun! They were going to rescue their people, stop living a lie and start their own life. They were going to have a family and grow old and wrinkly together.

Y/N was the only one who truly loved him.

Despite how hurt she was, she could look at him. Blood was gathered in the corners of her mouth, but she smiled. “It’s okay…”

It was not okay, but Loki wasn’t going to argue with her. If she was truly slipping away from him, the least he could do was to hold her through it.

Defeated, Loki leaned against the wall and he wrapped his arms around her. They embraced each other weakly as agony rained upon them. Loki was in absolutely shock. He couldn’t believe that Thanos had tricked him. How had he let it happen? He just did this to her!

“I’m so sorry,” Loki whispered. He struggled to find his words in that heart-aching moment.

Y/N brought her quivering hand up to Loki’s face, wiping his hot tears away which was useless for they got replaced right away. Loki didn’t care that her fingers left a trace of blood on his skin. “It w-wasn’t your fault, my love.”

Of course, it was my fault, Loki replied to her in his mind. He didn’t say it out loud. He could only give her the saddest smile in the universe as more tears oozed down his face like waterfalls.

Y/N blinked her tears away and he watched how they washed away the blood and ash off the trails on her cheeks. Her eyelids were heavy, and it was beyond tempting to just close them. But she didn’t want to go, not yet. She looked at Loki and felt her heart swell with love. She loved him so much and she loved the life they had built together. She loved him, despite this, for she knew it was Thanos who had done this. Not to her, but to both of them. It broke her heart that Loki would blame himself for it for the rest of his life.

With the last ounce of her power, Y/N spoke, “I love you.”

Loki wanted to sob. He was so sick and hearing that made his heart crush into a million little pieces. He loved her too, so much that it hurt. And now he struggled to say it back as his lips trembled. He knew that he would cry if he opened his mouth now.

Her hand on his cheek tried to pull his face closer. Luckily, Loki knew what she wanted. He leaned down so their noses brushed against each other, which had so often made them laugh. Then somehow, miraculously, he found the strength he needed to kiss her.

Their lips molded together like liquid gold. They were made for each other. It tasted like blood and salty tears, which made it quite bittersweet. It was a gentle kiss, but it showed their love. It only lasted for a moment as Y/N’s lips left his and her body grew limp in his arms.

Just like that, she was gone.

Loki pulled his head back and looked at her cold, lifeless expression. Her dull eyes looked right at him, but it felt like she looked right through him.

She was gone.

Gone, forever.

Loki’s world began to run in circles. He couldn’t believe what just happened. It just felt so bizarre, so utterly cruel that no one would genuinely do this. But it was real. He held his lover’s limp and bloodied body in his hands, and it was more than enough evidence of what had happened.

As mad as it felt, Loki pulled her closer to him and he nuzzled his teary face in the crook of her neck, hoping to drown his sorrow. At this point, he wouldn’t have cared if Thanos came to kill him too.

“I’m so sorry…I’m sorry,” Loki mewled painfully, hands tangling into her hair. It was so foreign to hold her when she didn’t hold him back. He didn’t feel her heartbeat against his body anymore, nor her breath on his neck. Her body wasn’t warm. It cooled down in such a frightening and fast pace, or perhaps he lost track of time? He could just sit there, embracing her body as he cried.

At some point, the cries and distress from the quarters had caught the attention of the castle guards. They marched to the quarters, opening the heavy doors after not hearing a reply, only to see a shocking sight.

The prince who was supposed to be dead was on the floor, cradling the princess of Asgard, Y/N. Loki’s hands were bloody and no one else was in the quarters. Of course, it painted a very suspicious image over him. The guards all seemed to think Loki had done this. In their minds, the god of mischief had faked his death and now returned to Asgard to get revenge, beginning with Y/N.

They pointed their weapons at the weeping man and Loki turned to look at them. His lips were parted, still in shock. His face looked ghostly pale and there was only grief and regret in his eyes. In Loki’s mind, the guards were entitled to blame him.

After all, he had delivered the fatal blow. He had only intended to harm Thanos, but who would ever believe him?

“Step away from her!” A guard commanded him.

Loki didn’t want to lose her, not yet, but he knew that he already had. It was his worst nightmare that their ways would be parted this soon. One last time, he looked at her and wished he could bring her back. “I’m so sorry,” Loki whispered ever so quietly and put his bloody fingers on her eyelids, closing her eyes so she could get peace. “I love you too,” Loki finally returned the words. He hoped that she would know that, that she didn’t die thinking he didn’t love her.

There was no tomorrow with her anymore.

There was no tomorrow in which Loki would ever forgive himself.

Then he faced the guards. Loki was going to play along with them, it didn’t matter anymore, because in his tormented mind, he was guilty.

A/N: I was requested to make it pure angst so I truly tried. Your feedback would mean the world to me! 💚

#Loki #Loki angst #tw death #tw angst #Loki x Reader #loki x You #Loki x Y/N #Loki imagine #Loki oneshot #Loki fanfiction #Marvel fanfiction #mcu fanfiction #Loki Odinson #Loki Laufeyson

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naruto-littlespace · 4 years

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Akatsuki Littlespace Headcanons

I could and probably will write more, but I don’t feel like it right now, so here’s this.

Disclaimer 1: Littlespace, in the AU and in real life, is a coping mechanism for everything from everyday stressors to psychological disorders like PTSD. If you sexualize littlespace do not interact with this AU or me, I will block you.

Disclaimer 2: Littlespace in this post is slightly different from in real life, magic-ed up in a similar way to how ninjas are magic-ed up in the Naruto universe. Chakra-using littles actually revert to the size they were when they were their little ages, although they retain any bodily changes since then (little Kakuzu still has stitches, little Deidara would have hand mouths.) The exception of course is Sasori, whose body is manmade and doesn’t change. People also do not necessarily remember their big lives when they slip into littlespace, sometimes becoming confused about where they are and who they’re with. They will sometimes be confused about what time period they’re in as well, believing things to have happened that hadn’t happened yet in their little age but were far in the past in their adult age.

This isn’t how I’m going to treat littlespace w/ Naruto characters all the time on this account btw, it’s just an idea I’ve been playing around with, like the psychological defense of reverting to a childlike state inadvertently triggers a transformation jutsu to match.

Nagato:

Little age pre Yahiko’s death was 6-7, post is 2-4

Started regressing shortly after the formation of the original Akatsuki. She and Yahiko had to do research to figure out why their teenage friend had suddenly turned into a child, but after they learned they took care of him: treated him like a child, bought him kids books from the local thrift shop, tucked him into bed. He called them uncle and auntie.

He would stay in littlespace for a surprisingly long amount of time, for 4-6 hours on days between missions.

After Yahiko’s death he spent many days in a row regressed to age two. Konan scrambled to take care of him and handle her own grieving. After that was over he promised her she wouldn’t have to take care of him again.

Nowadays of course she still takes care of him when he regresses, but he tries to force himself out of it if he begins to.

He still has board books and stuffies, so if he does fully regress he’ll have one of his pein bodies bring them to him.

Being ~3 he doesn’t have the mental capacity to control all the Peins, so they just kind of idle for awhile.

Konan:

Little age is 3-5

Pre modern Akatsuki she didn’t like regressing at all and only did it involuntarily. She would handle it by either walking it off or reading Nagato’s board books by herself.

This continued pretty much until she started becoming friends with Kakuzu, who openly admitted he was a little (he thought she should know, in case it ended up delaying his missions--it was mostly so she would stick up for him to Pein. No, he wasn’t hunting bounties, there’s a perfectly logical explanation--)

So she had a bad day while she and Kakuzu were at the same base and went ‘can you please deal with me for a couple of minutes’ and he was like ‘ofc’ so she sat down in front of him and shrank down to a little girl and started crying. He picked her up and bounced her on his knee until she calmed down. She ended up staying little for a couple of hours because Kakuzu took her out of the office and telling her stories about his childhood while they prepared dinner.

Kisame becomes her caretaker too when the three of them start dating.

Sometimes she starts crying inconsolably about something she won’t talk about other than someone leaving her and something being unfair. Pein showed up during this one time and said he knew what she was talking about and it was none of her cgs’ concern which ofc made them concerned but they haven’t gotten the chance to talk to her about it.

Itachi:

Little age is 2-4 but since her chakra is often very low so she doesn’t always physically become that tiny.

She didn’t regress until after she joined the Akatsuki, but when she did Kisame wasn’t surprised. He reintroduced himself as her babysitter, slipped her a lollipop and took her to a library to pick out some kids books.

Loves to be pampered. Oh god it’s the only time she can relax at all

Wears reading glasses because they can’t get her in to an eye doctor appointment

She’s trans in this au because I say so

Likes playing with weasel and crow toys, esp when her caretaker (usually Kisame, Konan and Kakuzu as well when they’re around) plays the weasel and she’s the crow. She’ll tell stories where they go out to the woods to train or just hang out.

She loves to sit in laps <3

She eats a lot more in littlespace than out so whoever’s feeding her makes lots of food. For her to grow big and strong u know

Kisame:

Little age 0. He is just baby

Being reminded of the bloody mist triggers his littlespace, though he has to be in a bad headspace in the first place. It really does not happen often.

Post Akatsuki the first time he slipped was after he, Kakuzu and Konan started dating. Kakuzu woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of crying and woke Konan up immediately afterwards because holy sh*t there’s a baby in our bed!!

It was Kisame. Kakuzu picked him up and rocked him back to sleep. Konan asked how he was so good with kids and he was like ‘oh I had a baby once.’ She does not ask him to elaborate. Kisame wakes up as an adult the next morning.

They keep a container of powder formula for him if he regresses but won’t get him a pacifier because they’re afraid he’d bite off and choke on the teat. They have bottles but Kakuzu makes the nipples for them out of one of his threads on the spot bc he’d bite through literally everything else with his tiny demon teeth.

Sasori:

Little age is unclear (unlike some of the others, he’s never said it.)

Signs he’s in littlespace: stops talking, stops walking if he can afford it, walks unsteadily and a little bowlegged if he can’t. Stops using ninjutsu and if he’s near a kitchen he might try to eat despite not having a digestive system anymore. Has been known to ask where Granny Chiyo is. The answer is ‘back home.’

Deidara got him a pacifier and a coloring book. He does use them but not when anyone else is watching, not even Deidara.

He is a bit upset when he’s reminded that his body is wooden. He would like to feel things please. But he learns to just enjoy the sensation of squishing a stuffie and his jaw chewing on a paci.

Deidara:

Not actually a little. He just hasn’t gone through sh*t like the rest of the Akatsuki have, and has coping mechanisms for when he is having a bad time.

He caretakes for Konan when her boys aren’t around and for Sasori if he’ll let him.

Hidan told him about littles after Kakuzu regressed in front of him and thought Deidara might need to know because of how much baggage Sasori has (he doesn’t know what it is but he can smell drama)

So he looked out for Sasori becoming a kid and learned instead to look for him not acting like an adult. He walked out of Hiruko and tried to eat in front of him and Deidara had to tell him he couldn’t have a strawberry because it was bad for his health and not because it would probably make his insides mold. It’s weird but Deidara is also weird and he makes it work.

Kakuzu:

Little age is 9-10

Post Akatsuki the first time he regressed was in front of Hidan in the middle of the woods. He didn’t recognize him and immediately tried to run and then beat him up when he chased him. Hidan had to think fast and tell him he was his new neighbor and pretend to be taking him home. The next time he was babysitting.

Sometimes asks where his husband is. The first time Hidan heard this his response was ‘what the f*ck’ and Kakuzu told him that was a bad word.

Enjoyed activities include reading, sparring, and to the surprise of some, hunting. He’s not bad w/ a bow and arrow.

The best way to keep him in/make him feel comfy in littlespace is to make him a meal. U can let him help to the extent that he sets the table or pours the drinks or smth (because he will ask) but take care of the food for him, because he hasn’t had someone else handle that for him in a long time.

Regressing isn’t necessarily a common thing for him to do but he’s one of the only ones whose regression can be triggered by physical pain as well as emotional. He can usually harden his skin to block attacks but if he doesn’t in time he may turn into a ten year old. It actually can surprise an opponent enough for Hidan to be able to take them out.

Hidan:

Not a little either.

Knew about littles bc there was an old man in his village who had ptsd from some long forgotten war and sometimes turned into a six year old.

Caretakes for Kakuzu pretty exclusively, unless Kakuzu is big and taking care of someone else, in which case he’ll help out if he’s feeling nice at the time. Itachi is actually his favorite to take care of because Itachi is a very manageable child.

Obito:

Little age varies wildly from about 1-11. He blocks his physical regression because he regresses Often and doesn’t want to blow his Madara cover.

He has been regressing since p much immediately after he got crushed. Madara was really having none of it and went from patiently waiting for him to become ‘big’ again to pretending it wasn’t happening, forcing Obito back into a uh. ‘’Normal’’’’ headspace

The Tobi act is actually covering his littlespace though when he’s an adult he has no idea how to realistically act like a kid so when he’s actually a kid it’s kind of jarring for all involved

When he’s a baby he just screams. Not really crying in distress but screaming because he can

He’s so eager for attention. Please talk to him! Play toys with him!!! Read a book, eat dango, run around outside, catch bugs, train!!!

Never mentions Kakashi or Rin but sometimes will mention his grandma or Lord Fourth as if he is the current Hokage

#akatsuki #naruto au #sfw littlespace #sfw agere #god this is so half thought out #i had titled this an au at first but then i made it head canons bc it wasn't really an au. and now the chakra parts kind of don't make sense #but i am tired. and starved for attention and ready to be done. so here we are #beas please

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ldwritesstuff · 3 years

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Tales From The SCP: Critical

I'm alive? nah, just posting an idea I had based on this thing (which you will need to read before this or nothing gonna make any sense). Might turn this into a series, we shall see, it depends on life, which is kicking my ass. Tip to ya: don't advertise your stuff at a convention because then you might be compelled to do something with it while all your other WIPs stare daggers at you. Anyways, there is the disclaimer: the only characters I own are Dr. Raven, Dr. Generic and Collins. SCP doesn't belong to me either, go check it out yourself if you want to get into in and find yourself down a huge rabbit hole. And obviously I don't own the Dream SMP or their characters.

Tales From the SCP: Critical

When it came to dealing with SCPs, Dr. Raven was no stranger to them. Having been stuck in this cat’s body and given a different life, he has been carted all around the earth, from one site to another, dealing with his new specialty against reality benders. But this was a new one he didn’t expect to be dealing with. One Dr. Generic had experience with and even worked with. Apparently things have changed and now the situation of the Keter Class SCP has become critical. In this case, the SCP the doctor is working with has changed, or rather, an instance has suddenly been released from the SCP itself. Dr. Raven is here to merely observe and act as a deterrent from the reality bending SCP during the interview. The cat with black fur covered by a white lab coat and wearing a blue collar with an ID card with his name and rank dangling from it continued down the halls. A Mobile Task Force operative assigned to make sure he stays safe follows behind as they make their way to the interview room.

“Collins, what do you think?” Dr. Raven asked, his voice cold and neutral as always.

“I’m not too sure sir, I'm not a researcher,” Collins shrugged.

“And that’s why you are only an MTF member,” Dr. Raven grumbled.

Collins didn’t respond to that, opting to just adjust his body armor. Dr. Raven just rolled his blue eyes and came to a stop in front of a door. Collins opened the door and the two of them stepped inside the dark observation deck. Another researcher greeted the pair with a nod. Collins stayed by the door while Dr. Raven sprang up on the desk and looked through the one way window down to the interview room below. Harsh fluorescent illuminated the room, showing a single table with two people on the opposite ends sitting in plain, metal padded chairs. One sat Dr. Generic, a simple man with short, dirty blond hair, sunglasses he is normally seen with set on the table and a black face mask. But on the other side sat a woman, somewhere in her 20s, looking scared and confused. Her light blue eyes continuously scanning the room. Her long, blond hair disheveled and in need of a good cleanup. That is how they found her, in an abandoned looking house, in a dusty room with a book with furious scribbles inside and a glitching PC with the game known as Minecraft on it, the main menu screen putting on a light show with the glitching. Reports of activity in the house and her disappearance from the SCP prompted action, with MTF apprehending her and bringing her to the Foundation. This surprised Dr. Generic, the one who wrote the file on the SCP and swore to study it and figure out everything about it. And yet another mystery is thrown at them and more questions needing to be answered. Then again, the Foundation is all too used to such curve balls being thrown, which is why continuous study and testing is needed. And in this case, an interview with an instance or a victim of the SCP, depending on how you feel about such things. Dr. Raven looked to the other doctor and nodded. Then the interview began. A speaker was switched on in the observation room to hear their conversation and record the whole thing.

“Hello, I would like to ask you some questions,” Dr. Generic began.

“Where am I?” the instance asked, her eyes continuously darting around.

“You are in a safe interview room. Now then, can I ask about your experience with the Dream SMP?” Dr. Generic asked gently.

“How--How did I get out? It’s impossible,” the instance’s voice laced with panic.

Dr. Raven’s ears twitched, he had a funny feeling about this whole thing but couldn’t shake it. Everything seemed fine, nothing registering on any instruments. And yet, he couldn’t shake the feeling of being watched from somewhere. But he continued to focus on what was ahead of him, in this case, instance SCP-6969SMP-5 getting more and more agitated. He has a psychology PHD after all, he can tell the signs of anyone in great distress. But that didn’t matter to him in the long run. As a level 4 researcher, he had the power to shut down this whole interview, but he didn’t. He needed answers right then and there. So he let Dr. Generic continue.

“Care to elaborate?” the doctor asked.

“No . . . I shouldn't be here. I can’t remember . . . . this isn’t right,” the instance was becoming more and more distressed.

The instance suddenly jumped to their feet, eyes wide with fear, her breathing becoming more and more erratic. The chair she had been sitting in fell backwards, slamming on the ground with a clang. Nobody in that room flinched.

“STOP, I can’t be here, I can’t be out here. None of this makes sense, I'll get pulled back. The others, oh my god the others. No, you have to help them, they hardly know. Sometimes they know, but it makes us forget. YOU HAVE TO HELP!” the instance screeched, her movements all over the place, even slamming the table with her fists a few times to empathize her point.

Dr. Generic stood up slowly as well, holding his hands up in submission. A member of MTF entered the room in case things got hostile. Dr. Raven leaned forward, interested in her response.

“Please, you have to calm down,” Dr. Generic pleaded with her calmly, the MTF gripping their gun tightly.

“No, no, you don’t get it. They were sucked in, the whole thing is a lie, it’s all a lie. You have to help them, anyone who goes in there--you have to help them!” she cried out, running her fingers through her hair and even tearing at it. Tears had begun to pour down the side of her face, shrieking a bunch of nonsense in the process.

“Stop the interview,” the observer ordered through the microphone.

“What? No, continue the interview, we could get vital information,” Dr. Raven hissed.

“Doctor, with all due respect, even you can see that it would be futile to try and press with the instance in this state,” the observer said.

Dr. Raven looked down to see as she pressed herself in a corner while Dr. Generic tried everything to console her. The MTF had a few more enter the room to escort her to a humanoid containment cell until they can get her to calm down and do another interview. Dr. Raven’s tail twitched in annoyance but he wasn’t stupid. Once a person had gone down this route, their emotions all over the place, no good could come of it. He looked over his shoulder at Collins who nodded in agreement. Dr. Raven sighed and relented. The observer then ordered the MTF to take the instance to her assigned cell and wait for further instructions. Dr. Generic waved them off and the instance went along, sobbing in her hands, still muttering about others. Dr. Raven leapt off the table and Collins opened the door for him to exist. The observer would be in charge of the recording they got, uploading it to the file. The pair of them would meet up with Dr. Generic to discuss what they have learned. The feeling Dr. Raven had gotten before faded away for the time being, but he was suspicious of a potential return of whatever. That’s a common occurrence in this dangerous line of work after all. Dr. Generic did catch up with them and the three of them began their walk to the nearest break room for a quick drink and a short debrief.

“Her name is Alyssa, or username ItsAlyssa,” Dr. Generic informed them as they walked.

“Why does that matter? 6969SMP-5 is just that,” Dr. Raven replied coldly.

“Doctor, they are victims, pulled into the SCP, as the file reads. Though I didn't think the thing was too keen on spitting any of its victims out,” Dr. Generic huffed.

“Yes, and that is why we need to press for another interview as soon as possible,” Dr. Raven said.

Dr. Generic shrugged. The three of them entered the break room where maybe a few other personnel sitting around. They took a table in the corner while Collins got them drinks and even took the opportunity to take off his helmet and body armor. They sat around for a moment, Dr. Generic sipping on some coffee, Collins with some tea and Dr. Raven with some plain water. Oh how Dr. Raven missed coffee, the only thing that kept him sane. But ever since the incident with 239 that turned him into this cat form and even left him with a few extra abilities, he had no choice but to give up the delicious bean water. Apparently the stuff is deadly to cats and him having a cat body, there were a lot of things he had to avoid now. So he lapped up some water while the three of them took a breath for a moment. But then Dr. Generic’s phone rang a few times. He pulled it out and looked at the alert.

“Well, what timing, a couple of instances have gone live on Twitch,” Dr. Generic hummed.

The doctor in turn set up his phone to show a twitch stream of what could be ordinary Minecraft players on a server, playing the unsuspecting block game. But if you knew the truth like the Foundation did, this was the SCP at work again. Knowing those were real people inside this Minecraft Server, putting on a performance for millions who had no clue, it would make anyone’s stomach churn. But to the Foundation, this is just a regular Tuesday. They did flip through a few streams and something caught their attention soon into the stream.

“They don’t even notice Alyssa is gone,” Dr. Generic said, stunned.

“It seems the SCP has made them forget after 6969SMP-5 escaped, interesting,” Dr. Raven hummed.

“Complete control over the environment it created, damn reality benders,” Dr. Generic fumed.

“So what now?” Collins asked as he finished his tea.

“Simply put, what we normally do, continue to observe and study,” Dr. Generic shrugged.

And Dr. Raven watched, that feeling came back. The three of them leaned closer to the screen. It glitched for some reason, causing the three of them to lean in even closer. Suddenly, words began to form on the screen in the Minecraft chat text font.

‘I can see you,’ it read.

Immediately, Dr. Generic whipped out his camera and took a picture and started to record the stream itself. Nobody from the looks of things had seen what they had just seen. The Twitch chat continued as if nothing happened, spamming ‘E’ again. Even Dr. Raven was flustered, his fur bristling a little on his back and tail. He didn’t see that coming and even if he did, he figured this reality bending SCP fell into that 20% that he couldn’t use his ability on fully. That being, deterring reality benders from doing just that, reality bending. The SCP was mocking the Foundation, clearly. The writing disappeared, followed by an ‘:)’ flashing on the screen for a brief second and then the whole stream returned to normal. The room seemed to turn cold, folks noticing it but not really making a move. All eyes turned to the three practically squishing their faces onto a tiny screen. This simple block game had produced a dangerous SCP and now it was up to the Foundation to contain the thing. But that was the issue, containing something like this would be difficult. And throwing it into the sun wasn’t an option, they didn’t need another incident where they did that to 682, what a disaster.

“So, it's aware of us,” Collins muttered angrily, leaning back in his chair.

“That actually might work in our benefit of making contact and learning more,” Dr. Generic huffed, folding his arms and drumming his fingers on them.

“Right, I suppose the next step is to increase efforts of contact through private direct messages and even donations,” Dr. Raven added.

“Right,” Dr. Generic nodded.

#yes the title is a play on the title Tales From the SMP #Anyways here's some word vomit for you #Might do more if i feel like it but let's see how this does first #itsalyssa #dsmp #dream smp #scp foundation #scp #LD Writes

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ahiddenpath · 4 years

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If you could give Daisuke, Miyako, and Iori their own crests, what would they be?

This is a really tough one! I do love that they “inherited” crests; the whole “these kids gets mentors” was so cute? A great way to bring back the older kids in a meaningful way. I personally think the 02 crew “had it together” in ways the original crew... kind of didn’t, lol! But they did have a lot of benefits (ability to go home, Koushiro as an advisor, mentors, two members who already knew what was going on, etc).

I also really love the observation that Adventure emphasized individual development (finding and earning and internalizing their crest traits, evolution is triggered by understanding yourself) and 02 emphasized team development (jogress/evolution triggered by strong bonds between teammates, inheriting wisdom from the ones who came before). So... I guess I hate to mess with that? But I do also see the appeal of giving them their own traits...

THIS GOT INCREDIBLY LONG, but it’s a really cool post, I think! So please read on beneath the cut!

Daisuke

Honestly, I think miracles works pretty well? I’ve heard people say that Daisuke just... Does whatever he wants/follows his gut, and it tends to work out; ie he’s more “lucky” than “an effective leader.”

Personally, I... Truly admire Daisuke’s faith and optimism and just... Just raw belief in everyone? I have anxiety, so sometimes my brain loves to tell me that a thing I’ve done a million times with no problems will somehow explode in my face. Can you imagine just... Choosing to always believe, and acting like everything will be okay? I don’t mean “sticking your head in the sand and going LALALA THIS IS FINE,” I mean taking action without hesitation, even when things are scary.

Like, yeah, maybe that’s not always valid IRL- you need to plan and be realistic and accept and reevaluate when your plan isn’t working- although I’d argue that Daisuke learned to do that over the course of the series (I remember him saying the team should rest at some point, and everyone was surprised that he didn’t want to press on, except Ken).

But I also maintain that Daisuke’s ability to believe in himself, his team, and just a general “things will be okay” is what creates success that almost seems... miraculous!

Also, I think he is suuuch a great meld of courage and friendship, because he pushes on when things are scary (courage) and is able to do so because he believes in everyone (friendship).

So, I’m thinking something like faith/confidence/trust. And having listed some similar-ish words...

I’m going with trust.

What incredible things you can do, when you believe in yourself, your team, and the future.

Miyako

I’ve seen other people assign her the crest of “passion,” which I think is great!

I think the thing about Miyako is that she’s, like... Always on, always 150%, so dynamic and vibrant and just... her cup overflows with energy and... Miyako-ness.

It’s clear to see how she relates to her “purity” side. It took me a long time to understand what I think the crest of purity means, thanks to a lot of... ickiness around the word “pure” in western tradition, which is also why I am loathe to throw the word “innocence” into my definition. Basically, I think the crest of purity means that Mimi and Miyako don’t dissemble/hide how they really feel. You’re always getting their raw, honest truth. And, because Mimi in particular is spoiled, she can come off as childish- which is where people like to throw in the word “innocent.”

[The general selfishness of children is related to them not knowing yet that they aren’t the center of the world- psychologically; Freud would call it “being ruled by the id.” It’s just a developmental stage, and doesn’t really indicate actual selfishness. You know how Winnie the Pooh is a sweetheart, but can make things miserable for other people by just assuming he can help himself to everything?]

But Mimi also displays a child’s heart in terms of being kind and sweet and sensitive and wanting to help... and then swinging back towards the id at the drop of a dime, lol!

Like Mimi, Miyako is very comfortable giving her opinion and drawing attention to herself, and she doesn’t seem to be holding herself back... But we do eventually see that things can weigh on her, and that she’s sometimes putting up a front when her energy actually isn’t at 150%.

I think the “love” part is a bit harder to pin down, but then... The word “love” is incredibly vague, and means a million different things to different people, which is why I kind of hate discussing the crest of love! I like to think of it as “the crest of compassion” to focus discussions; sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it.

It’s kind of funny to think of Miyako with the crest of love compared to Sora. Sora tends to show love by watching over people, being kind and supportive and brave even when she’s struggling and hiding the signs of her struggle/dismissing her own struggles, doing things for others, often without even letting people know she did anything.

In comparison, Miyako shows compassion by being present for people she loves, telling them bluntly when they need to shape up (which, frankly, a lot of Digimon characters really need. We need waaaaaay less staring into each other’s faces and never answering concerned questions and waaaaaaay more *slap* GET IT TOGETHER! God, ilu Miyako), and being honest and open about how much she cares for them.

So yeah, passion!

Iori

One of my favorite Chosen, this sweet good boy that I lovelovelovelove!

So one thing about Iori is that, while I can write big honkin’ analysis of how Daisuke and Miyako show their inherited crests... Um, I think Iori is his own thing. Like, I don’t... super get honesty and knowledge off of him. I mean, the honesty thing, sure. His Grandpa taught him not to lie, we had a whole ep based on that alone. As for knowledge, yes, he wants to know the truth and get to the bottom of things.

But... Neither crest ever felt like a slam dunk for him? Even though it’s easy to see how “honesty” and “knowledge” coalesce into “a desire for truth,” which is further illustrated in his career as a (presumably upright and truth-seeking) lawyer. Like, it’s right there in front of your face, Hidden!

BUT LEMME PULL UP A CHAIR, CAPTAIN AMERICA STYLE, AND HASH WITH YOU.

The thing that, to me, stands out about Iori most is that he’s grounded and centered. Have you seen that post recently that explains how Daisuke tried, just one time, to treat Iori like a little kid (he says, “shut up, little brat”)? And Iori- who is about three years younger than Daisuke, and much more withdrawn- politely but firmly replies, “Please don’t talk to me like that.”

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? DAISUKE APOLOGIZES AND NEEEEVER TALKS DOWN TO IORI AGAIN.

Iori is like... He’s like eight, my dudes! Rolling with a bunch of eleven-ish year olds! He’s personal friends with Miyako, a twelve year old, before Adventure 02 even opens! And we don’t often see him being doted on and protected like Takeru and Hikari were in the same situation.

YOU WANNA KNOW WHY? The simple answer is that he’s mature, but I wanna say that he’s grounded, the ultimate earth sign type (I think Digmon is a pretty clear metaphor). He doesn’t get flustered or swayed. He knows where he is, where he stands, what he must do. On the one hand, this makes him mature beyond his years, reliable, able to stand up for himself and be an equal team mate among kids who are older than him.

The downside is that “that which cannot bend must break.” I’m sure you’ve read a zillion metas about how Iori sees in black-and-white originally and has trouble changing his world views and learning to forgive... But he does all of those things, maturing further into possibly just... just... Can you even imagine him as an adult?! HE’S TOO POWERFUL.

So, if he were an Adventure character, I’d say that his crest is integrity, and he has to go through his adventure to learn what that really means for him- to develop from stubborn, black-and-white thinking to true integrity.

THANKS FOR THE ASK!

#02 crew #digimon meta #crests for daisuke miyako iori #faves #daisuke motomiya #miyako inoue #iori hida #Anonymous

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nblenasabrewing · 4 years

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Does Lena have PTSD?

This excellent post from @drummergirl231-2 goes into a detailed analysis about Della and the examples showing possible PTSD. I, being who I am, wanted to look at the same for Lena. Full credit goes to them for the idea and format!

According to the DSM-5, in order for a person to be diagnosed with PTSD, they must have a certain number of symptoms from eight categories: Criteria A through H.

For a diagnosis of PTSD, someone needs: to meet Criterion A to have at least 1 symptom from Criterion B to have at least 1 symptom from Criterion C to have at least 2 symptoms from Criterion D to have at least 2 Symptoms from Criterion E to meet Criteria F, G, and H

DISCLAIMER: I am not a professional. I do NOT have a degree in anything related to psychology and simply enjoy dissecting the layers of a fictional character. If you feel you fit any of the criteria, please see a professional for a real diagnosis. This isn’t something that can be easily self-diagnosed, and a professional diagnosis would open you to more opportunities for help.

Lena does and doesn’t fit the criteria in general for PTSD. She’s certainly suffered from traumatic events, but the event is more... her entire life. She’s a classic child abuse victim, which makes her more of a candidate for C-PTSD.

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD; also known as complex trauma disorder) is a psychological disorder that can develop in response to prolonged, repeated experience of interpersonal trauma in a context in which the individual has little or no chance of escape. Being stuck with Magica for fifteen years absolutely contributes to Lena’s current issues. C-PTSD and PTSD share similarities, there are a distinct differences - mainly that PTSD focuses on one event and the effect it has on a person long term, while C-PTSD focuses on years of repeated trauma. However, there’s no approved criterion yet for C-PTSD. So I’m using the PTSD criterion with some added explanation where C-PTSD would be applicable.

Criterion A: The traumatic event

A person must be exposed to one or more events involving threatened or actual death, threatened or actual serious injury, or threatened or actual sexual violation in one of the following ways:

Direct involvement

Witnessing the event happen to someone else

Hearing about it happen to a loved one

Repeatedly hearing details about traumatic events, such as police officers repeatedly hearing stories of abuse

The obvious example here: Lena effectively died. Twice. Following that, she was trapped in a realm where she couldn’t be seen or heard by anyone and she couldn’t touch anything for six months (give or take). Her first interaction with anything since she had been trapped there was smacking the Boggle case in Friendship Hates Magic! And even she’s surprised by that.

In addition, she spent fifteen years with Magica in her shadow, who effectively acted as an abusive parental figure. She’s proven to be an expert in gaslighting, and knows exactly how to manipulate Lena - by hanging the promise of freedom over her head and reminding her repeatedly that people will think she’s a monster if they find out the truth about her.

Criterion B: Intrusive Symptoms

Expected or unexpected reoccurring, involuntary, and intrusive upsetting memories

Repeated nightmares related to the traumatic event

Some form of dissociation, such as flashbacks, where the individual truly feels the traumatic event is happening again

Strong emotional distress when exposed to internal or external triggers associated with the traumatic event

Strong bodily reactions (such as rapid heart rate) when exposed to reminders of the traumatic event.

Nightmares: While we can’t say for absolute sure that Lena has nightmares outside of Magica’s influence via the helmet in NOKH, the fact that no one is surprised by her nightmares does seem to imply that’s she probably had more than she’s letting on. Lena’s biggest fear is turning into Magica, after all - it’s no surprise she would have dreams along that line.

Emotional distress, strong bodily reactions: These really come out in Violet’s library, when Lena gets overwhelmed and tries to hide. The fish-eye view of everyone trying to talk to her while she sees Magica over their shoulders was most likely meant to imply she was having at least the start of a panic attack.

In addition, her reaction to Webby calling her (looking like Magica) a monster was pretty extreme. Again, the dream world setting makes things a bit wobbly, but given everything we know about Lena up to this point, and the fact that she yelled at Magica for saying they’re both monsters, it feels safe to assume she’d be angry and upset and scared if anyone ever called her a monster (again, something Magica constantly used against her.)

Criterion C: Avoidance

An individual with PTSD will frequently avoid reminders of the traumatic event in one of the following ways:

Avoiding thoughts, feelings, or physical sensations that trigger memories of the traumatic event

Avoiding people, places, conversations, activities, objects, or situations that bring up memories of the traumatic event

Whether the nightmares were caused by Magica or not, their effect on Lena is real and pretty easy to see. She sets up an entire sleepover just so the kids can help keep her awake. Avoiding sleep to avoid nightmares is pretty extreme.

She also continues to keep secrets from everyone despite Webby’s constant reassurances that they all care about her and don’t think she’s anything like Magica, because the alternative is having to talk about it or worse, have her fears confirmed.

Criterion D: Negative changes in thoughts and mood

The inability to remember important details of the traumatic event

Persistent and elevated negative thoughts about oneself, others, or the world

Exaggerated self-blame or blame of others for the cause or consequence of the traumatic event

Pervasive negative emotional state (anger, fear, shame, etc.)

Loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities

Feeling isolated or detached from others

Difficulty experiencing positive emotions

Lena’s opinion of herself seems to be pretty low. We only get one episode to really see it, but her fear of turning into Magica and active attempts to avoid such an outcome definitely make it seem like she still considers herself “evil”, and is trying to make up for it. She also readily gives in and says, “I am her”, essentially giving up on herself.

The dream adventures also excellently illustrate how Lena feels “Othered” from everyone else - they get butterfly wings, she gets weird monster wings. She falls behind at Dewey High and is separated from the others. She’s the only one in Louie’s dream, aside from Louie himself, to experience any sort of physical change. Even when she tries to be happy with them, she can’t keep up the facade.

And before all of this there’s the classic example of her being jealous of Violet (under the guise of protecting Webby from being tricked again). She immediately assumes the worst of Violet and follows Webby around telling her not to trust Violet.

Criterion E: Alterations in reactivity that started or worsened after the traumatic event

Irritability or aggressive behavior

Impulsive or self-destructive behavior

Hypervigilance (feeling constantly on-guard, or like danger is lurking around every corner)

Heightened startle response

Problems with concentration

Sleep disturbances, such as difficulty falling or staying asleep, or restless sleep

Lena’s personality in season one was mostly that of the sarcastic, irritating cool teenager who can’t be bothered. Under that, she was an unwilling slave to Magica, and while she did show irritable tendencies toward her, those can be forgiven as “Magica is terrible and provokes her.”

Season two, on the other hand, shows us a much different teenager - one who snaps easily and seems constantly frustrated by her own perceived shortcomings. Those emotions, of course, come out on the other kids (i.e. snapping at Huey and Violet). And while all of that can be attributed to her inability to sleep, which is being driven by Magica, Frank’s already said this isn’t the last we’ll see of Lena’s emotoinal growth and negative feelings.

Criterion F: The above symptoms must last for more than one month.

Obviously time is relative in Ducktales. Given everything that was going on around them, we can assume she’s been home for around a month-ish. Donald left for a month-long cruise two episodes before Lena came back, and everything after that has to have taken place within that month or it would have been way too obvious something was up. And again, Frank has said this is going to come up again. But even while she was still in the Shadow Realm, she was showing signs of trauma.

Criterion G: Distress from symptoms significantly impairs the individual’s ability to function in multiple areas of life (social, occupational, etc.).

While we haven’t seen much of Lena’s daily life, we do know a few things - before returning, she was living in Webby’s shadow, presumably following her around and getting comfortable in her shadow-y life. Violet throws a complete monkey wrench into that comfortable life, and Lena reacts... poorly, to say the least. She initially refuses to take responsibility for the tulpas feeding off her own negative feelings, continuing to project all the reasons she hates herself onto Violet (”She’s a spy, she’s a second-rate me,” etc.).

In NoKH we see that the triplets aren’t quite used to the fun, happy persona Lena tries to project, which immediately gets a frustrated yell and fire flaring up. She’s so worried about trying to be Good that her anxiety bubbles over into her life. She’s also constantly keeping secrets, something that is, unfortunately, normal for her, but not normal overall.

Criterion H: The symptoms are not due to substance abuse, medication side-effects, or another condition.

So the real issue comes in here - while there’s no medication or substance abuse, there is an outside force. Most of what we see of Lena’s symptoms are due to increasing sleep deprivation via Magica’s brainwave helmet. By the time NoKH starts she’s already gone at least several days without sleep, and it’s obvious the dreams are deeply affecting to her, to a point where she arranges an entire sleepover with her friends just to keep from going to sleep. There’s no way to know what she was dreaming about (although I have a few theories), but it almost certainly involved Magica, the main cause of her trauma. And we see how understandably upset she gets when she’s finally face to face with Magica.

In conclusion:

Lena is a complicated character with a lot of different factors playing into who she is, but there’s little doubt that after fifteen years of emotional/psychological abuse, two deaths, and six months trapped in what could almost be summarized as an isolation chamber, that Lena has some serious trauma. And while Magica influenced a lot of NOKH, it should also be noted that Magica, as her abuser, most likely acts as her trigger now. She spends the entire dream sequence running away from Magica, terrified to confront her. And while she has an amazing, empowering moment at the end of the episode, I’m sure this is going to come back up again.

(***All GIFs by me)

#Ducktales #Ducktales 2017 #Lena de Spell #Lena le Strange #long post #Sam's Meta #So much went into this #including making those GIFs #I've been working on this for..... several weeks dear god #please show it some love

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saturniandevil · 3 years

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hi! what kind of astrology do you practice? natal astrology? electional astrology? horary? mundane astrology? modern or traditional astrology? sidereal or tropical? what house system do you use? are you studying different types of astrology? if you do, do you try to combine the practices or separate them for ex: "i follow a different set of rules for each practice" or "i'm going to use some esoteric theory in natal astrology"?

wow that's a lot of questions! i think some of these answers are pretty apparent from my recent posts so i'll talk a bit about my philosophy of astrology here too ;)

i think anyone who studies astrology runs into natal first so i really can't help pulling up birth charts when i'm curious, although during the last year or so i think we've all gotten a crash course in mundane astrology. i think to be proficient in the former you need to know people and psychology well, and for the latter you need a strong understanding of the different factors involved in current events, so for that reason i'd say i'm more a student or enthusiast than practitioner.

i don't cast electional charts myself (since i don't actually have any software like solarfire 🤪) but i do pay attention to them when other astrologers bring them up. if you're doing astrological magic or something that's very important, though. as for horary readings i've done a couple but i'd need to look into it more before i speak on them with confidence. not gonna lie i'm kind of suspicious of some medieval techniques since they come from a point where the western tradition was really fragmented and all the europeans were like mistranslating the arabic texts... i think horary is the most spontaneous kind of divination you can do with astrology so i'd be tempted to combine it with tarot or something else chance-based.

i'm currently reading astrology and the authentic self by demetra george, which is basically a guidebook where she walks readers through her own synthesis of traditional and modern techniques. i'm very into hellenistic techniques specifically right now (i use traditional planetary rulerships, whole sign houses, sect, weighing sign over degree with aspects, etc), but i do consider outer planets' positions (but not as sign rulers or dispositors of other planets) and, well, demetra might be winning me over on the major asteroids--if there's a really tight orb.

i always use the tropical zodiac as i believe the intersection of the ecliptic with earth's equator is conceptually fundamental to western astrology. i get that it has a place in indian astrology, a practice which has both overlaps and significant conceptual and technical differences from both current and centruies-old western traditions.

so as for traditional or modern techniques i'd say i lean more "traditional" because almost every rule comes back to observable astronomical phenomena. for example, the 8th and 4th houses are associated with death because a planet in the 8th is setting on the western horizon--entering the underworld, and the 4th house is just about as deep below the ground as you can get. i wrote a post on the thema mundi awhile back, but the gist of it is that the traditional rulership scheme lines up with how far each planet is from the sun. and of course older techniques tend to emphasize outer events (although there is some place for the native’s feelings and aspirations), which in some ways i prefer over a very 70s attitude where any distress you feel from difficult placements just means you haven't "evolved" them yet. in other words i think that some things will feel crappy to you no matter how enlightened you are, but you don't bring all your problems on yourself, you can prepare for them in the future, and you can get an idea of when they will pass.

i don't think it's impossible to combine astrology with, say, jungian psychoanalysis, but i do think you have to have a strong understanding of each practice independently before you combine them. i am actually quite interested in analytic psychology as well so you may see me synthesize them one day. but it won't be as simple as "the 7th house is always your shadow and the moon is your mother wound." i think any approach emphasizing someone's subjective inner world has to be completely tailored to the client and where they're at, so it's hard to generalize.

well i hope this answered your questions! i'm always happy to talk about my developing conceptual framework for astrology and i can explain some of the more basic or intermediate techniques with some confidence if you have any other questions~

#by the way did u know virgo szn is approaching. where did august go??#answered

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trekkie-in-space · 3 years

Text

KakagaiWeek2020 - Day 4 - Lost & Found P1

Author : JackB

Title : How beast are born.

Rating : General Audience.

Words : 1752

Resume : During a mission Gai is acting off, his behavior is nothing like Kakashi ever seen. It’s distressing. How can he bring Gai’s back ?

Tag : drdp, derealisation, depersonalization, dissociation, Kakashi’s trauma come to say hello, but this IS a Gai-centric fic, pre-slash but still very Kakagai, anbu kakashi era, the characters have no idea what’s going on, It’s not like Konoha have much if any psychological health/trauma center.

Note : This is based on accurate but specific drdp experience, it can’t reflect all drdp experience, if anybody want more detail on what’s actually going on with Gai you can ask me ^^

THIS IS PART ONE, PART TWO IS HERE

- Lost -

Kakashi had heard about it. A few years back, Gai’s team was celebrating their overly successful last mission. Apparently they had done exploit there, to the point Gai had been given a nickname by the shinobi they had fought, ‘The Beast’. It’s not so often one gets a nickname on the field, curiosity had led the discussion at the table, between food and drinks, all wondered what had happened to lead to such a nickname. They kept coming up with theories, all crazier or more ridiculous than the last, and Kakashi might have been the only one noticing Ebisu taking his distance to the current conversation.

“Well, he didn’t steal the nickname.” He had mumbled in his glass, nobody had heard but him and Genma, at his side, who approved the affirmation with a nod. There was a certain gravity in their expressions. This was more serious than it looked like.

Gai had embraced the nickname, made it his and Kakashi never pushed to know the reason it had been given in the first place, assuming without truly knowing. Gai was competent and a specialist, this simple combination was the most likely to result in a nickname if you found yourself at the right place at the right time. But he could see now, what was behind this nickname, what birthed it.

He wishes he hadn’t found out.

This obstinacy is not like he has ever seen in Gai before, it’s more than completing the mission, this is a hunt. An instinct who has reached its peak and isn’t going down soon. Inexhaustible, relentless and terrifying.

He and Genma can barely keep up the pace with him, if even at all. All they can do is follow the scream or the smell of freshly spilled blood. Gai is pushy on their enemy, never leaving an opening unanswered. There’s no frivolous act, each hit is precise and every movement is efficient.

His enemies are no more than dummies to him. It’s a flawless fight and Kakashi find it distressing. Gai has always been efficient and competent during battles, but never to this extreme. There is a tension in his guts, telling him to never find himself at the end of Gai’s fist when he is in this state. It rare someone can urge such a sensation in him by now, even more when this someone is on his side.

“Gai ! Wait for us.” He screams but Gai doesn’t seem to hear him, if he did, he certainly didn’t pay attention to him, disappearing behind trees like he is part of the forest.

Genma give him a sign to stop and they both land on a tree branch. He is shaking his head.

“Don’t.”

“What’s up with him ?” He asks.

“Oh.. uh. He gets like that. Sometime.” Genma pass his hand on the back of his neck and give Kakashi a crisped smile.

“It happens often ?”

“No. Don’t worry, it’s fine just.. Don’t get in his way.” Kakashi is not sure what it’s supposed to mean.

“He could get seriously hurt if he continues like that.”

“He won’t.”

“How can you be so sure ?”

“Because when he is like that, he doesn’t really get hurt, nobody really has the time to.” Kakashi frown. “I mean.. You saw it.”

Genma is not wrong, Gai is way too fast, but there’s always a risk.

“We should join him, we are close from our goal and he must be waiting for us.”

“I doubt he would have awaited.”

“He did.” Genma is about to start jumping from their tree again but he stops, adding. “Don’t be surprised if he is not.. As talkative as usual. He listens, even if it looks like he doesn’t.”

Kakashi feels like Genma is talking about someone else, this doesn’t sound like Gai at all. It takes them a few minutes, where they pass beside some unconscious or maybe even dead enemies, to reach Gai. They land at his side, Gai doesn’t acknowledge them though, looking over the Iwa research center they have to securize. This center was supposed to be low danger, with a near dormant activity due to a low staffed crew. Their mission was to make prisoners and secure the site until the recovery team comes to retrieve the research that were made here. But their information had been wrong, apparently Iwa had decided to revive this center and give it a strong protection. Their little team had been completely outnumbered.

Which, thanks to Gai, hadn’t been too much of a problem. They were still used from the previous combat though, and the lack of proper information made it far more dangerous. What could await them in that research center could be more than what the three of us could take.

“Gai, this was irresponsible, you could have been hurt or put the whole mission in danger.” Kakashi scold but doesn’t get a single reaction. Not a word, not even a movement. More than his worry for the safety of the mission, Kakashi start to really worry about Gai. He reaches for him, hoping for a reaction. “‘You oka.. ”

“No touching !” Genma snap at him, but it’s too late.

His hand rest gently on Gai’s shoulder and the glare he throws at him in answer terrify Kakashi. It’s mean, violent but in a cold way. Kakashi feel like a prey to be crushed and he can’t help but to stare back, keeping still and quiet as if Gai is going to unleash on him in a second if he makes a wrong move. He was never afraid of Gai, and despite how strong Gai is, Kakashi still think in a serious fight he could take him and win. But right now he isn’t so sure. If anything he feels like a pup being put back in its place and he didn’t think, Gai could ever have such an aura. This is not Gai. Yet it is.

Gai frown at him, gauges him and Kakashi start to wonder if he even recognize him.

A clap of the hand from Genma make Gai’s focus redirect elsewhere. The tension relax and Kakashi gently remove his hand from his shoulder.

“What are you doing, don’t touch him, don’t stare at him.”

“What’s wrong with him ?” Genma move at his side so they can avoid talking between Gai and shrug.

“It’s like, some sort of hyperfocus.. I guess. But hm, a part of him just shut down completely to leave this.” He waves at Gai. “He disconnect from things, I’m not sure. All I know is that like that, there’s no stopping him, he probably won’t leave anybody for us to fight. We just have to follow and make sure we complete the mission.”

“Can he attack us ?”

“Never did, but don’t be in his range because he is most likely not going to avoid you.”

Gai is looking at them now, Genma catch a glimpse of him and immediately looks down and make sure to avoid staring. Kakashi, on the other hand, stare back.

His eyes are not as mean as before, but still hold this coldness, a distance far away from the warms Gai give away. There’s an energy to him, a frenzy that only ask to be let loose. But as he holds his glare, he catches a glimpse of vulnerability, confusion and distress. Kakashi jump at his other side and Gai follow him. To Kakashi, it feels like an animal. They keep staring at each other and Genma stare at them incredulously.

For a second, Kakashi think Gai is reaching out to him or at least tries to. He is not sure what to make of it. Genma seem confident in his teammate but he isn’t. He should probably call off the mission, but how is he going to justify it ?

“So the plan hasn’t changed ?” Genma asks.

“No, we enter, secure the site, we avoid killing the researcher as we are taking prisoners. Then we protect the area waiting for the recovery team. But to be honest I think we should call off the mission.”

“If it’s because of Gai, don’t, he won’t mess up.”

“He is clearly not fine, it’s too dangerous.. ”

“It’s fine.” Gai comment catch their attention immediately. “We can continue the mission.” His tone is a bit distant, disconnected.

“You’re sure ?”

Gai nod. They stare at each other, Kakashi doing his best to gauge Gai, why he can’t quite find the Gai he knows is a mystery. It’s him and at the same time it’s not. Kakashi hates it. Though, he seems fine enough to continue the mission. At least Kakashi hope.

A sound in a bush catch their attention, and Gai’s focus return to the same efficient disconnected coldness.

Like that, he would fit Anbu perfectly.

He gives the sign to pursue the mission and in an instant Gai is at the front door of the research center, they don’t get a welcome party immediately, but as Gai force the door, enemies attack. Kakashi rushes on one of them but he doesn’t have the time to use his Chidori that Gai already sent the ninja away with a kick. It’s fast, it’s ferocious and they can hear bones broke at the impact on the stones of the research center.

Kakashi’s instinct awake and an intense fear takes his guts. Gai jumped extremely close to his Chidori, to the point he felt his electricity touch. If Gai hadn’t been moving so fast, he would have taken it.

The idea of hurting yet another friend with his jutsu paralyze him for an instant. Images of Rin flash through his mind, his hands feels like they are covered in blood again.

Not now.

It could happen all over again, and it terrifies him on the spot. It’s dangerous, they’re in the middle of a fight, but Gai and Genma are managing without him for the moment. He needs to snap out of it.

All he knows is that he won’t be using his Chidori again today.

The battle is quickly over. Kakashi and Genma were here more for support than anything else. Gai could have taken them all without much trouble. He feels like a beast, brutal and ruthless.

Konoha’s Green Beast Kakashi remember. Beast. He gets it now, why it was given to Gai. He wishes he hadn’t found out. He doesn’t have time to settle his uneasiness, they have a mission to complete.

Part Two - Found

#KAKAGAI WEEK #KKGWEEK #KAKAGAI #MAITO GAI #GAI #KAKASHI #KAKASHI HATAKE #KAKAGAI WEEK 2020

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starr-fall-knight-rise · 5 years

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Humans are Space Orcs “Teenagers.”

Hello everyone, sorry for vanishing for a few days, but now I am back and ready to write.

I would ask for any prompts or ideas you guys have for stories. Sometimes I go through times where I can't think of any ideas, and this is one of those times. Your help is appreciated

Somewhere between Mars and the asteroid belt

The Delta-5 passenger transport had fallen out of warp rather violently. Granted, with a delta class warp engine she could only make jumps inside the solar system, but at any range, coming out of a warp unexpectedly is violent.

The brightly painted yellow of the passenger ship was a streak in the darkness for a single moment before the emergency engines kicked in and pulled her to an abrupt halt. Inside, the ship was filled with startled screams and cries of pain, from the twenty person class of Martian students on a return trip from the asteroid belt.

Not all schools have the funding for their own spaceship, mind you, but as one of the most prestigious boarding schools on the solar system, there were some perks. However, violent whiplash wasn’t appearing to be one of those perks, and in the commotion, no one noticed as a lone student silently slipped back to their seat, handily concealing a shiny silver object in the pocket of her pants.

A distress signal followed the sudden loss of warp, and it was almost an hour that the students sat there before a call of awe came out from the back of the ship, and all the students piled together to see out the cramped side windows at the massive military warship bearing down on them from above. She was massive, almost the size of two football fields from end but reaching skyward. It’s rear engines glowed with blue power as it gently slid next to them despite it’s cumbersome bulk.

A single line of white lettering could just be seen at the spine of the ship reading

U.N.S.S Harbinger.

***

Krill and Sunny accompanied Commander Vir from the bridge, arriving in the docking bay just as the small, yellow passenger transport was pulled in from the airlock and gently dropped onto the deck. Once secured, the doors were opened.

As Krill and Sunny stood next to the commander, they couldn’t help but notice his uncharacteristic lack of good humor.. In the light of the docking bay his arms were crossed, his mouth had been pulled into a deep brown, and his single eye was narrowed with distrust at the little yellow ship.

The doors were opened, and the students came spilling out. Krill didn’t have much experience with this sort of human…. Teenagers. Physically, they had smoother faces, and the males and appeared skinnier with reduced muscle tone, but other than that, he wasn’t likely to be able to tell the difference.

“Look at them.” The Commander muttered under his breath, “Little Vultures.”

Krill and Sunny exchanged a confused look, and rill ventured a question, “I’m sorry Commander, but I…. don’t follow.”

The Commander’s expression remained dark, “Behold my inhuman friends, the worst kind of human, the bane of earth, the very incarnation of Evil itself. They have the magic ability to pinpoint whatever insecurities you have and used it in psychological warfare against you.”

Krill and Sunny turned to watch the humans. Some huddled together in small groups, others standing alone shoulders hunched looking down at the floor, and still others gazing around the docking bay in wonderous amazement

“Sure…. Commander…… Evil.” Sunny said watching two of the humans hug each other, in a clear attempt to find comfort, “I’m shaking.”

The commander glowered at her, and then turned on his heel to march towards the line of humans.

Sunny chirped an approximation of a laugh, “Wait, hold on commander, my knees are weak, I can’t keep up.”

He continued to ignore her as he marched up to the line of students. Of course, with the clanking of his mechanical leg, they noticed him coming long before he made it, and as they strolled up, Krill couldn't help but notice as a group of them broke out into a fit of giggling as they watched the commander approach, a fact that was not lost one the man, not that the students would have been able to tell.

However, Sunny and Krill knew him well enough to see the stiffening of his back , and the slight redness at the base of his neck, “Alright, the lot of you, quiet down.” His voice was loud enough, and commanding enough to get partial attention, but even as they looked at him, there was still ore snickering, giggling, and students checking their personal devices. A couple of them continued to whisper quietly in the back of the group. Of course quietly actually meant one grade below a normal voice.

Sunny was able to pick out the word “eyepatch.” from the conversation.

The Commander’s frown grew deeper, and he turned to Sunny.

She was happy to oblige the request, quickly clearing her throat, and then releasing a screeching battle cry that made the walls and floors rattle.

That got their attention.

“About time you all shut the hell up.” He growled. Sunny shifted uncomfortably not entirely sure what had gotten into the commander.

Krill watched the students, and quickly became aware that many of them only had one default setting, and that was the continuous rolling of their eyes, often accompanied with a deep sigh.

“Now, I find it very unfortunate that your ship broke down, mostly because now I have to babysit you, which I would rather not do. But here we are, and there are a few ground rules you need to follow.”

More eye rolling, which was not lost on the captain.

He turned his eye on one of the worst offenders, “Go on, roll your eyes again, see what happens.” The stare the commander gave him could have coagulated blood, and the student looked away as his classmates snickered, “That a bunch of disrespectful bullshit, and they don’t pay me to tolerate it. If you want to be a little shit while I explain life-saving rules to you, than I won’t feel bad when you wander somewhere you shouldn't and radiation causes all your skin to deglove. Yes, that is exactly what it sounds like….. am …. I ... clear?”

The group of them nodded rather slowly, and Krill noticed a couple of eyes twitch. A couple others looked back and forth between each other exchanging looks.

“I am Commander Vir, and this is the UNSS Harbinger, this is my weapons specialist Sunny, and my chief medical officer Krill. I am in charge of the ship, and while you are on board, you will follow my orders just like any member of my crew. I will not tolerate shenanigans, whining, complaining, arguing, and any other accompanying bullshit that you may be likely to bring aboard my ship.”

He turned his head in another wide circle making eye contact with each and every one of them.

As his eyes passed over a group of the students, Krill watched them burst into another fit of giggling turning to look at each other.

The single eye snapped around to glower at them, “Something Funny!” He demanded

The girl in question went bright red and then stammered out a, “N… no.”

More giggling erupted from somewhere in the back.

The commander didn’t look pleased. A rope that was already beginning to fray snapped, “Alright, that’s it, the brig, the lot of you.”

A gasp rose up from the students, and the teacher as she protested.

The commander turned, “If you cannot take the rules seriously than you go exactly where you belong. The brig. You may leave when we reach Mars.”

Sunny and Krill exchanged a glance as the commander stormed off.

“Changeling, brain injury, or mind control.” Sunny wondered

Krill shrugged, “Search me.

No one noticed a form slipping away quietly as the rest of the students were shepherds away.

***

Sunny and krill sat quietly in the darkness of the bridge watching their friend, as he leaned against the upper platform railing glowering out at the field of stars, and the small red dot that was Mars.

He had been like this all evening sullen and silent withdrawn into himself.

Sunny noticed the figure in the doorway before krill, and quietly stood not recognizing the figure.

“I thought I sent you all to the brig.” The commander said, his voice echoed eerily in the darkness. As far as either of them had seen, the commander hadn't turned to look, so there was no way he could have known who was at the door. The figure paused, and then deciding against running stepped into the room.

It was one of the teenagers.

She was somewhat muscular for her size with short dark hair colored half purple. She had a squarish jaw and long legs despite being well over half a foot shorter than the commander.

She did not appear bothered that she had been caught.

Wandering inwards, she paused next to the captain’s chair, and then in a shocking breach of decorum, she took a seat throwing her legs over one of the arms.

Krill was pretty sure “teenagers” had no sense of personal safety.

Commander Vir turned slowly to face her frowning eyes narrowed.

She locked eyes with him blowing a large pink bubble which popped loudly in the intervening silence.

“Get out of my chair.”

Another bubble, “Why.”

“Because if you don’t I'm going to rip off your arm and beat you with it.” To her credit, she withstood his gaze for longer than your average person might half before finally signing and sliding form the seat and onto the floor. The commander watched her go, as she crossed the ten feet to the navigators chair and made herself comfortable there.

It was the Commander’s turn for a deep sigh.

Krill and Sunny watched in fascination. Like watching a puppy chew on the tail of a wolf.

The commander glowered at her, and she glowered back.

He looked about to say something but was cut off as the student opened her mouth, “Why do you hate teenagers so much?”

That caught the commander off guard, and whatever he had been planning to say died on his lips.

“I mean I saw you once or twice on the TV, and you usually aren't this much of an asshole, so you must hate teenagers.”

silence .

“Where you bullied in school. Because I-”

He cut her off, “You think you’re edgy don’t you.” It was her turn to be cut off, “Let me guess edgy teenager with some sort of tragic backstory. Maybe mommy is dead, maybe daddy is mean perhaps they are both fine, but they don’t pay attention to you, and so you act out, pretend like you don’t care about anything try to look edgy so you can be different because no one understands you or something, right.”

“Don’t pretend-”

“Don’t pretend to know you, want to know something kid- I WAS you, and let me give you a little secret.” He leaned in, “You aren’t special, your problems aren't personal. You are exactly like every other kid in there who thinks no one understands them and their problems are special and that the world is unfair, well guess what your problems aren't special, of course the world is unfair, but it’s unfair to everyone. So quit the edgy bullshit because it doesn’t make you cool it makes you an asshole.”

She remained quiet. Krill and Sunny looked on in fascination. Some of the wind seemed to have been taken out of her sails, but she remained quiet, “My turn?” She asked

“Go ahead, I would like to hear it.”

“You aren’t special either, lots of people were bullied as kids difference is not all of us grow up to be successful. So you don’t even have anything to be mad about.”

He took a seat in the captain’s chair to look at her, “I’m under no illusion that I’m special. I am also under no illusion that I try to be different, just like you. Difference is, I can admit what I’m doing. I’m just like everyone else, a normal guy who got lucky and am now in a place to do something good for once. As for the difference between you and I, I NEVER ruined public property to get what I want. What did you do cut the power outlet to the fusion cables.”

She was quiet.

“It’s either tell me or face jail time, you’re call.”

She sighed and leaned her head back on the seat, “I just….. Wanted to see your ship, ok.” There was silence in the room, “Yeah, I get it was stupid, but my life isn’t likely to go anywhere, but i saw my chance and I took it to at least SEE my dream, and maybe get lucky enough to meet you, but low and behold, I get aboard the ship, and my hero turns out to be a masive Dick, so i guess we both lose.”

There was silence.

Turning to look at Sunny Krill found an expression of shock on her face eyes wide mouth slightly open. She hadn’t gotten up from her seat.

His voice had softened, and Krill watched as the look of anger melted from his face replaced with some mix of shame, “I….. what makes you think your life is going nowhere.”

She kicked her feet, “I’m not exactly good at the whole school thing.”

The commander shrugged, “So what, join the UNSC, and then you can see space all you want, that’s what I did.”

She shook her head, “No can do chief, I’m sick, they wouldn’t take me.”

“That’s where you’re wrong. Maybe they won’t let you join the marines, but a support position is fine. As far as medical equipment, we practically live in a flying hospital, so whatever you need could be done for you on a ship.” He got up from his chair and stopped to stand next to her staring out at the darkness. With a sigh, his shoulders slumped, “You’re right, I’m sorry. I had a bad time in school and I’m taking it out on you and the others…. It’s not very adult of me…. Or very professional for that matter.”

She waved a hand, “Its ok most of them belong in the brig anyway.”

He gave a dry chuckle, “Even so, I should probably go apologize.”

“Wow, not every day I meet an adult who can admit when they’re wrong.”

Commander Vir turned towards the door, “Yeah, if you’re going to join kid, you need to get rid of that hatred for authority complex. Most of us are just doing our jobs and occasionally…. We actually care.”

I wouldn’t go as far as the commander and say that teenagers are the incarnation of evil, but I would, perhaps, suggest that they are the incarnation of the devil’s advocate. They have questions queries and demands that are designed to challenge older humans. If the exchange is met correctly, both will learn something. The younger will gain knowledge from the older, and the older might just understand their own reasoning better than they had before, or even identify issues with their own logic.

If the exchange goes wrong there will only be anger and enmity between the two parties. Young humans need a lot of direction, but they also need the ability to choose their own path. It is an older human’s duty to impart the knowledge allowing the younger human to make the best decisions, without trying to control them.

However, Despite the philosophy, I think there is some argument that can be made for the devil incarnate….

#humans are insane #humans are space orcs #humans are space australians #humans are space oddities #humans are weird #earth is a deathworld #Earth is space Ausralia

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davidjjohnston3 · 3 years

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The trees are straight and true here, and the help comes without seeming harpoons. I considered some insane things which were ‘above my pay-grade’ and as is my wont reflected on the state and implications of my former profession and what old friends and pharons meant to me. Right now think that my core goal in life is not to blow myself up. As a former would-have-been SecState said, ‘I love so many people.’ I am only sad that trying as I did to uproot that carrot of love just now could have resulted in the demolition of an entire root-network, of at least my own excision therefrom.

‘Some people’ want revenge against life for not going their way or not being the color or fragrance or face shape they like or feel it ought to be - ‘no that is not what I meant at all.’ They will never hold a life reliable which doesn’t resemble their ideal, imago, or ‘soul-idol’ &c. The meaning of the name ‘Cordelia’ as in King Lear is something like ‘heart’s ideal.’ I was driving and considering a novel that I feel touched absolute supreme greatness without knowing it or in a way that could mislead some readers Mrs. Mary HK Choi’s Yolk a novel I looked forward for a very long time. I had all these references and fractal coreferences and forgot about actual birds, like what does the chick eat in the egg.

‘Blood is the life’ - I liked etymologies for a long time and my intellectualism caused me acute trouble in Confirmation Class at Morrow Memorial United Methodist Church in about 1998. ‘Pastor’ Gretchen taught us the word root ‘consacramentum’ which comes from dipping the hand in blood in the concave of a Roman shield - those huge rectangular shields which could be used in formation as ‘testudo’ or turtle to stop projectile weapons and allowed soldiers to make pin-point stabbing attacks from a ‘matrix(?)’ of high protection. I forget what kind of animal was killed to pool the blood in the shield but it might have been a rabbit.

I was reading ‘Revelation,’ I don’t recall what everyone else was talking about. Some kind of community service project, interview your parents, buy a wedding-magazine and make a whole plan for how you would get married and how much it would cost (and while you’re at it describe how you would 1) restore a classic Shelby Cobra using newspaper and Krazy Glue 2) drive foresaid drop-top to the Moon).

The Pastor was a pipe-smoker named ‘Painter’ who used the NY Lotto’s ‘Hey you never know’ slogan to describe sth like Pascal’s Wager; OTOH St. Paul teaches us that everyone is born knowing God exists (Romans). The problem is that people fail or omit to glorify Him or subsequently ruin or betray their own best efforts through blasphemy, turning or falling away, cowardice, denial, attachment to certain sins or being ‘yoked unequally’ with non-believers.

I reflected starting in 2008 that I was shy of my ‘first love’ (rather, the woman I fell in love with at 14); at the time I gloried or reveled in the shyness like a Wallace Stevens poem that ends, ‘And not to have written a book.’ I could’ve written a few books by now or walked away from book-writing or changed my mind / specified which kind of book I might have written and for whom.

I remember always admiring the ‘magic’ of literature and feeling sad I had no characters or world of my own to work magic with. Star Wars and my own life and later much else supplied ‘materia poetica’ and till the point that I began to think in fiction and became addicted to interpreting my own in ‘story-ideas’ although that is not to say that what happened around me didn’t happen.

America is trying to become a better country in numerous valences, loving our neighbors, holding each other accountable. ‘Justice’ with or without the marks is important. It is a divine Judgment that Covid fell on the world even if eventually we all shall learn who devised the virus or leaked it or modulated its mutations. I was eager to rejoin the world feeling I might overcome my mental illness but I mishandled specific questions and tests. I ended up turning people against me and creating monsters more than ever as well as perhaps terminally sabotaging any chance I might’ve had of fulfilling a dream or making good on the past. I have a lot of opinions on the CCP but should’ve focused on love and family and personal responsibilities as in the past or at least held to my long-standing feeling that Chinese people deserve better rather than associating myself with hard-liners and racists or those who would simplify issues in order to bring about ultimate victory without temperance or concern for the side-effects.

In Milwaukee where I lived for far too long everyone’s spirit - electric, intellectual, visory(?), informational et cetera seemed to be militating against everybody else’s. There were fake vaccines, radioactive ice cream (or thermogenic ice-cream), gun-battles as usual, lines crossed, all kinds of scores that people tried to settle. I also realized that the police were probably tracking for years my various attempts to obtain weapons from samurai-swords to handguns though the purpose was defensive and I can only trust at this point that some good lawyer will prevent the bad lawyers and cops from presenting the most damning circumstantial case they could. People in Milwaukee own AK-47′s, automatic shotguns, probably all kinds of explosives, improvised chemical weapons and (’our Black brothers’ - Schopenhauer) biological weapons - the cops don’t stand a chance that I can tell and even the National Guard perhaps could get outclassed by retired military. I had told myself for years that it was only the ghetto’s that bore witness to this paramilitary equipage and that the retired SEAL Team 4 member with the ‘Stop Socialism’ and ‘Jobs Not Mobs’ sign on his front lawn would protect me from the Maoist-Covid Night of the Long Knives but I feel I tempted God a lot in the past.

I read all these books and took to heart that people thought I was just entertaining myself with but now as then I should’ve guarded my heart or not begged the question of what others thought about me or saw in me. I literally felt of late ‘I am the anti-Christ’ - good-looking at times, preach world peace, ‘form of godliness,’ want to be friends with everyone, build bridges - and had to rack my brains to come up with an ‘anti-Christology’ and science / concept of the Whore of Babylon just to make sure it was more than me alone. I also wished to simplify my past and help kids ‘get life right the right time’ doing battle with philosophies that opposed this consciously or otherwise but stepped into numerous minefields and also tried running when I should’ve flown over.

Everyone’s trying to get rich and build back better and I profoundly admired the American President for doing, finally, apparently, what presidents had tried to decades even as I remember ‘Flowers 1881′ a poem that implies that basically teachers can do only so much before turning their kids loose in a world no one has yet fixed and which others keep breaking; from a California almanac that also instructed me that the same old debates and cross-fires and burdens plague teachers as always, not that it is an ‘impossible profession’ but honestly that God won’t let us establish Heaven on Earth or at least not me or at least not America or at least not teachers who savor the experience of being a teacher or the beauty of their students more than the outcomes or commitment or intrinsic value of the work or the confirmed identity / vocation / personhood of the instructor. There are always new and old at any rate and different cultures all describe the teacher as needing to keep both alive; as do descriptions of higher education and scholarship.

I questioned my qualifications / background and wondered about re-training but can’t afford tuition anywhere so I am trying to cling to the core of my capabilities / blessings. ABC and XYZ. The glory of the soul or souls.

I kept theorizing Russian literature as well as weapons-systems and ultimate destiny, sailing ships, noble names, divisions, the flaming sword of Archangel Gabriel, the mission of Russia today with respect to the world order. I am also simply trying to be healthy and stop for a while trying to parse out who was the love of my life or what it still left in terms of action or redemption or justice or surrender or mitigation or meeting new friends or propounding the kind of understand with carefulness I have believed in - ‘saving people from themselves.’ Driving up here I remember being distressed at a gas-station in California when I was about 5 or 6 since the pump was leaking, being very upset with my parents and family. In those days I also disliked animal-cruelty though the world today seems so depraved and deprived with respect to human interests I would make no bones about neglecting most all animals outside of military or police use. When I was about 3 I saw white kids set a frog on fire; my mother has a history of running over cats.

I dislike winging it and taking risks. There is a song I call to myself ‘Run Away’ though its title is ‘Paradise.’ I am not a utopian communist for believing in secular justice and its instrinsic value... I wonder whether when I helped people in the past there were always strings attached or maybe I was just trying to close my case and discharge my responsibilities too rapidly without allowing others to gestate or make an abode in my heart besides and beyond what I could get out of them, glorifying myself, or tell others about.

What is motherhood? What is travail? Is there a kind of problematic ‘female gaze’ as feminists talk of a ‘male gaze’ associated with sadism or fascination / fetishism? It’s psychology which is not my first love at all since it appeared pretentious and distracting and retarding (in the literal sense of slowing down).

I also remembered reading various things about Victor Hugo whose ‘93′ is an important novel today due to its techno-utopianism, feminism or ‘new model egalitarianism,’ fusion of revolution and religion, etc. But I had forgotten ‘Les Miserable’ with its themes of ransom or eventual recompense, genealogies, caution, and more none of which is to negate the various complains against me or death-warrant from China or my parents with their partial private readings of Proverbs (’Let’s stone David for embarrassing us / not doing precisely what we want’ - no mention of witnesses, tribunals, questions, mitigation-hearings, actual counsels of judges etc. but just American-German ‘coalitions of the willing’ ‘run and get my gun’ ‘team-building’ etc. which in my experience ends with tanks on the street and military dictatorships as when at the end of the CultRev PLA regulars were gunning down former justice-fanatics who’d been stripping women, kicking pregnant stomachs etc. as in The Vagrants). Naturally having grown up in a family fascinated with Lee Kwanyew and Arnold Schwarzenegger and conflicted about ‘fascism’ I had reservations about the United States’ ability to suddenly dress up and ‘stand at perpetual moral attention’ but I guess my own problems are just that I am poor with a rich kid’s mind and no one really likes me except strangers and faraway friends who were easily spooked and/or just couldn’t be there. ‘King of South shall attack and King of North shall crush them with chariots &c.’ - in the end righteous will prevail whichever side of the line I end up on in the final assessment. I also remembered today a novel called ‘The Old Capital’ about a bad artist father, a virgin daughter, straight and true pines. Some other aspects of this novel are silly as well as criminally problematic and there's a lot of that going on in new-old old news America / Babylon or at least to quote my favorite lawyer / leave lawyering movie 'First let's get out of Milwaukee.' Miss the land of June snow.

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rose-tinted-wings · 3 years

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2am thoughts.

I show a lot of signs of ASD.

(or would they be symptoms?)

But like... Does that mean I should follow up on this?

I know quizzes aren't diagnostic tools but like, all that I take kinda point in that direction but neurotypical Nancy over there (my husband) takes them and is all a-okay so it kinda checks out.

I don't know. I can't turn my brian off.

I'm cycling through all my precious hyper fixations and kinda going, symptom, symptom, symptom.

And I honestly don't know how to feel about this.

I kinda freaked out a little because my husband moved my toothbrush but I can't control my emotions well when I'm tired.

And it just makes me remember all the times my family would call me "weird" or different.

I'm kind of a chameleon (I don't know if that's a symptom), but like, I try my best not to be weird. I attach to people and emulate their behaviour so I'm not picked on as weird and freaky and yeah sometimes I'd have to go from group to group so I wouldn't show how weird I am.

I can't seem to help it. People don't like me jumping my leg up and down to try and soothe myself. I literally got told to stop it once by a stranger sitting in front of me at a festival because she was trying to take a picture and I was wobbling the floor too much for her to get a steady shot so I've never done it since.

My husband notices when I wiggle my feet when I'm sleepy so now I only do it under the covers which kinda helps because I like the pressure and the tactile feel of the sheets on my feet.

I know I'm weird. I've always been weird. I can basically tell you a breed of dog just by looking at it because I used to study dog breeds after seeing a poster in the vets when we used to take our dog.

I used to be told that I even ate wrong. Hell, I was told that today! Because I seperate my skittles and you have to eat them in order from worst to best (yellow, orange, red, purple then green, unless you're American because American skittles are different flavour and I don't really like those when I went there, sorry). And I like all my food to be separated. If they're on the same plate they should have a good half centimetre between eat item so they don't touch but preferably eat item would be in seperate bowls but that's a lot of washing up to do so I don't ask for that anymore. I used to be told I ate things wrong or upside down or the wrong way round because of I could I would take the filling out my sandwich and eat that last because that's the better bit. But I do TRY not to get upset when my food touches, like, in a restaurant, I don't expect them to seperate my food, it comes how it comes, I'll seperate it myself. I was told to stop being weird, eat the pepperoni ON the pizza. My mum would purposefully move my sweets when they were all in lines which was really distressing but I knew it was just me being weird, again. And I don't like soft food. Like, I can't eat a sandwich that has a salad filling and a tomato was on the bread. It just makes it soggy and disgusting in my mouth. Like if you have too many crackers and then try to have water after but then there's mushy cracker in your mouth. No. Just no. Yoghurt is bad. I grew some in a lab once at different temperatures and I do not want to ingest that.

But yeah. I'm just like... Is this why people think I'm rude? I've literally been called spikey and aloof by people in therapy.

But then my hubby says this could all just be trauma brain trying to put things "right" or "orderly" and just trying to grasp at control from a time where I had none. (I call it trauma brain because I'm not diagnosed with PTSD and even though I stand with self Dx I can't personally agree to something unless it's like, officially on paper and such, another lovely quirk)

I don't know. He says I need sleep, which, yes, I do. But I cannot turn my brain off.

Like I keep thinking about Greek mythology and how I was really into that, and knitting and crochet and the different kinds of fibres you can use, and like, dimaond art, and psychology. And I wanted to be a mortician because I don't wanna be around people because talking is HARD.

And people are always "why didn't you talk to me?" when I have a mental health crisis but I don't know how to do that! How do you pick up a phone and go "hey! Just wanted to drop a line and say I'm suicidal but there's nothing anyone can do about it anyway seeing as it's all wonky brain chemistry so I don't really know why I'm telling you!" yanno? I don't know how to talk. I don't. Like. I've said it to people before. I see you. We've spoken. I see you as Friend but like... Talk? Uh... Weather? Music? Life? Philosophy? Where... Do we start?

I love my brothers, very much but I do not Do Sport and that's all I can think they're into. I am not Sport Person. I am not Ex Military. I am not Parent. How do we do this? Do we HAVE anything in common? Since the pandemic we haven't been able to play D&D and they don't seem interested in picking that back up so like... Where do we start?

I know people don't get to know me. I put people off by being blunt about my past abuse. It makes them uncomfortable. Like, casually dropped in having sex around 13 once and my friend about fell off his chair. Casually mentioned my father nearly killing me once and again he did not know what to say. Hell, again, it happened today. Talking about when I fell off my bike and broke my arm in two places and nearly my knee and my head bounced off the pavement and I could have died off not for my helmet and they thought THAT was dark until I said I also got told off for bleeding on the sofa and instead of calling an ambulance my dumbass father called my mother from work who took an hour to get home who then took me to the hospital. (and now I'm saying it all again to freak more people out. Awesome.) and I didn't even say how I needed a cloth over my knees because they looked so mangled I couldn't stop looking at the wreckage that was my body and the worst part was I walked home on that knee and when my brother found me he said are you okay? And all I could worry about was my stupid bike that I got for Christmas because I knew they would kill me if it got damaged. My self worth was lower than a bike. At 8.

So is this trauma? Is this ASD? I don't know. All I knoe right now is that I'm weird and I freak people out and I don't know when to shut up but I need all this out my head to be asleep.

And no one understands when you just and a word stuck in your head over and over again. And hubby was like, oh like when a line in a song plays in your head over and over and I said yeah but sometimes it's just a word like hypotenuse over and over and over and it won't stop.

Like now. I can't stop typing because this is all my inner monologue and it just won't stop. It won't let me sleep.

When I used to be like this as a kid I used to look out of the window. No matter whose (is that a word? I'm tired) house I was in. And the world would be still, and quiet, and I wanted that. But my brain doesn't like shutting down and right now I can't sleep until the sun comes up because that's when Trauma Brain says, ah, yes, safe now.

And my husband likes the door open to the bedroom even though I've told him it's a fire risk and no we haven't had a fire but my mum was freaked out by fire after she was in hospital next to a burn victim once and now I've got that trauma. Like, I have to have a safety plan on how to get out if there is a fire and even though it's still only a wooden door you'd be surprised by the amount of protection it brings.

And he likes night lights which, yes, can be helpful sometimes but I don't like light in my bedroom at night. So now I wear an eye mask but I hate the pressure on my face but I don't tell him that but now if I don't wear it I can't sleep because I'm used to the pressure even if I hate it!!

This is tiring. I've been typing for like, 40 mins and I just want to cry and sleep and punch his stupid snoring face because he can sleep and I can't and it's not fair. It's like he's rubbing it in my face. Oooo look how well I can sleep, snoring away next to you ZzZzz!! Ugh. I know it's stupid and petty but I'm tired. I've not slept more than five hours a night for nearly two weeks now and I know that's actually quite a bit for when my body decides to be in these moods and it's got to the point that my body is just fighting my sleeping tablets like an evil villain trying to thwart me.

But I need to wake up WITHOUT a migraine tomorrow as hubby had clinic at hospital but thankfully his dad is taking him but I have to pick him up and if I have a full migraine I don't k ow how I'll drive and I'm just. So. Tired.

Maybe this has helped. Maybe I'll put my phone down and just... Sleep.

Wow I've had to correct myself so much because I'm typing weird.

Weor Weor word word weird. That's it. Weird. That's me

Weird.

#Personal #probably delete in the morning #Asd #mentally exhausted

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