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es-kay-zee · 3 years

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Double or Nothing | Lee Minho & Han Jisung x Reader

pairing: jisung x reader x minho

genre: smut

warnings: non-idol au, dom! minho, sub! jisung, sub! afab reader, established polyamorous relationship, fingering, oral sex (f and m receiving), cum eating, humiliation, hair pulling, degradation, praise, pet names, sir kink, choking, swearing, edging, overstimulation

requested: nope

word count: 5.2k

proofread: yes :)

taglist: @bxngchxn @jisungsplatforms @hyunsluvv @qtieskz @etherealeeknow @arohabangtan @channelhan @minholuvs

(can't tag): @doyoungsjohnny

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as soon as you read the message that your package was out for delivery, you were excited, practically waiting at the front door for it to arrive. you’d bought it four months ago, and when it was taking so long to show up, you’d started to think you’d wasted your money on something you weren’t going to get. but here it is, finallyarriving. you watch the postman place it on your doorstep, waiting for him to drive away so you can swing the door open and grab it.

as soon as you have the package in your hands, you rush down the hallway, almost running to the bedroom in excitement. you place the package on the side of the bed, shaking jisung’s sleeping form in an attempt to wake him from his sleep. it doesn’t work, you’re slumbering boyfriend continuing to snore away, barely even stirring.

“wake up!” you shout, grabbing one of the pillows and smacking him with it. he begins to move slightly, and you can tell it’s working. you hit him again with the pillow, over and over until he eventually sits up.

under normal circumstances, you’d take a moment to laugh at jisung’s bedhead, but right now, there’s too much excitement running through your veins to even notice the way his hair sticks up at odd angles. instead, you pick up the package again, holding it up and smiling widely at jisung, waiting for him to notice it. but alas, he doesn’t notice, moving to lay back down and go back to sleep.

“hey, don’t you wanna know what i’ve got?” you ask, waving the package slightly.

“what have you got? just tell me,” he mumbles, eyes already closed once again.

“the outfits arrived,” you answer, and that finally wakes him up properly.

he sits up again, rubbing the sleep from his eyes before looking at the box in your hands. he grabs it from you, impatiently prying it open and carefully pulling out the contents.

“i forgot we actually ordered these,” he says, holding one of the matching maid outfits up to look at it.

“are we sure minho’s gonna like them?” you ask, a small bit of doubt creeping into the forefront of your mind.

“well, if he doesn’t, then that’s his problem. either way, we’re gonna look so fucking good,” jisung says, smiling wide as he continues to look at the item in his hands. “where is he, anyway?”

“he went out for lunch with his parents, remember?”

“oh yeah, that’s right.” he pauses, turning his head to you, and you can tell from the look on his face exactly what he’s thinking, especially because you’re thinking the same thing. “how long before he’ll get home?”

“not sure, i can text him and ask,” you say, already pulling out your phone and opening the messages between you and minho. you start typing, asking him how long before he might get home. it’s only moments before your phone buzzes with his reply.

minho <3: maybe an hour. why?

y/n: we just miss you, that’s all

he doesn’t respond, and you know that he’s aware of the real reason you’re asking. he can tell that both you and jisung are needy and waiting for him to come home.

“we have about an hour,” you say, turning to jisung, and he drags himself out of bed at your words. “where are you going?”

“to shower,” he replies, walking towards the bathroom. “because i’m not gonna be stinky when our boyfriend gets home.”

“ah, that’s a good idea,” you reply, deciding to scroll aimlessly through various apps on your phone.

“are you saying i stink?”

“always.”

he scoffs, but you can tell from the upturn at the corners of his mouth that he’s just pretending to be insulted. “well, you’re always stinky as well.”

“am not.”

“are too.”

it’s childish, the way you and jisung always banter with each other. but you wouldn’t change it for the world.

“just go shower,” you say, shaking your head.

“wanna join me?” he asks, a cheeky grin on his face.

“nah, your hands like to wander, so i’ll just shower after you,” you reply. “just don’t use up all the hot water.”

it takes almost 40 minutes for jisung to emerge from the bathroom, a towel loosely hanging around his lower half. but you don’t even take a moment to complain about how long he took, only opting to glare at him as you zoom past him and into the bathroom.

you shower faster than you ever have before, stepping back out of the bathroom, clad in a towel, in record speed. 10 minutes to be exact, which is quite quick for you, who usually showers for upwards of half an hour. as soon as you step into the bedroom, you’re greeted with the sight of jisung, already dressed in his outfit. he spins around upon hearing your soft footsteps, and the view of him is even better from the front.

you love it, the way his strong arms stick out from the short sleeves, the way the skirt rests around his thighs. the fabric hugs his torso perfectly, accentuating his tiny waist.

“how do i look?” he asks, and you respond with an approving nod and a thumbs up.

jisung smiles at your reaction while you grab the other maid costume. you quickly dry off the rest of your body, excited to put on the new clothing. if you look anywhere near as good in it as jisung does, then you’ll be super happy. you pull the garment on, turning to face the mirror once it’s in place, jisung walking to stand next to you, also looking at the reflection. he was right, about what he said earlier, you both look so good.

“what now?” jisung asks.

“now, we wait for our hot ass boyfriend to get home,” you answer, moving to sit on the bed. he follows you with a soft whine. jisung’s the impatient one, always getting himself worked up then complaining when no one helps him straight away.

you begin scrolling through your phone once again, jisung doing the same. and you can tell he’s getting himself worked up, judging from the way he keeps inching himself closer and closer. you, however, ignore him, determined to wait patiently for minho to come home. you fall into a steady rhythm, scrolling aimlessly, and the time ticks by quietly. or, at least, it was quiet until jisung lets out a frustrated groan.

“where is he? he told you an hour, and it’s already been an hour and a half,” he huffs, and you’re not surprised at his response. nor are you surprised when you face him and find his cock hard, pressing against the front of his skirt.

“he’ll be here soon, just be patient.”

“but i’m tired of waiting,” he pouts, placing a hand on your thigh. “what if we had some fun before he gets here?”

“you’re too horny for your own good, sungie,” you reply with a slight eye roll, feeling the way his hand rises up. a content sigh leaves your lips when his hand finally reaches your pussy, a lone finger running through your slick folds, already dripping with arousal.

“see, you’re just as turned on as i am,” he huffs, continuing to move his finger slowly, teasingly. and he’s right. while you’ve been waiting for minho to show up, your mind has been wandering, thinking up all the different possibilities for what he’s going to do when he sees you both, and you’ve been getting more and more worked up with every passing minute.

“but i, at least, know how to behave myself and wait patiently,” you retort, trying to hold back the whines bubbling in your throat.

“well, i don’t see you stopping me right now,” he says, his finger beginning to rub small circles into your clit.

“oh, shut up,” you say, voice somewhat breathless as you bring your hand up to jisung’s aching cock.

it’s almost instantaneous, the moan that he lets out when you wrap your hand around his length, slowly rubbing your thumb along his slit. you slowly pump him, and his hand stills against your clit, his brain momentarily short-circuiting at the stimulation you’re providing him. it only takes a few seconds for jisung to regain control of himself, moving his hand so that his fingers prod at your entrance. he slides the digit in, quickly adding a second while you continue to jerk him off leisurely.

he curls his fingers inside of you, causing you to let out a particularly desperate sounding moan. you pump jisung’s cock faster, losing yourself in the feelings of the moment, loving the way his fingers drag along your walls. you can feel the beginnings of your orgasm starting to grow, the knot forming deep in your stomach. but you can tell from the chorus of shameless whines and moans tumbling from jisung’s parted lips that his orgasm looms much closer. his cock twitches in your hand, so close to a release, but a voice speaks up from the doorway, halting your movements.

“well, well, well, what do we have here?”

you pull away from jisung, his fingers leaving you while you ignore the irritated whine he lets out from his orgasm steadily fading away. you stare at the doorway, eyes wide as you look at minho standing there, his arms folded across his chest and his expression none too impressed.

minho walks towards you, each step somewhat menacing, and it’s obvious that he’s not very pleased with what he found you and jisung doing. he brings his hand up, gripping your chin tightly between his finger and thumb, forcing you to maintain eye contact with him.

“tell me, lamb, which one of you was the impatient one?”

he doesn’t have to ask; he already knows the answer. it’s jisung, it’s always jisung. but you tell him anyway, finding some joy in telling on jisung. minho shakes his head in disappointment, frowning at the younger boy.

“was my pretty boy too horny to wait just a little bit longer,” he says, and you watch as jisung’s ears grow redder and redder. he cowers slightly under minho’s stare, the older man being entirely unimpressed with jisung breaking the rules. “what do you have to say for yourself?”

“i’m sorry,” jisung says, his voice quiet, meek, and he keeps his eyes trained on the bed underneath him, unable to look minho in the eye. minho just tsks in response, saying nothing more about the disobedience, knowing the best way to punish jisung is with actions, not words.

“do you like our outfits?” you ask, kind of annoyed that you’re not getting enough attention.

minho’s eyes scan over you and jisung, and you can tell that he loves the way you both look.

“of course i do, you both look so cute in your little matching outfits,” he smiles, gently cupping your face and rubbing his thumb along your cheek.

he leans in, pressing his lips to yours, and you smile into the kiss, enjoying the gentle moment. but it’s interrupted by jisung’s soft whines. he pouts his lips, silently asking for a kiss as well. minho rolls his eyes slightly, but you can see the soft smile on his face before he leans over to jisung and kissing him. minho steps back, grabbing the chair from the corner of the room and placing it at the end of the bed, ignoring the confused looks from you and jisung.

“now, my pretty pets wanted to play with each other, so you’re gonna keep playing. but you’re gonna do it the way i tell you to,” he says, sitting down. “so, y/n, as adorable as you look all dressed up for me, i want you to strip.”

“yes, sir,” you say, eager to please. you slowly stand up, reaching behind you to undo your outfit before slowly sliding it down your body, being sure to sway your hips enticingly as you do so.

“that’s my good little lamb,” he says, making you smile at the praise. “now, sungie, sit with your back against the headboard, and y/n, i want you to suck him off.”

you wait for jisung to settle into his spot before you move into your position between his legs, lifting up the skirt of his outfit to reveal his still throbbing cock. just as he did before, he moans the second you take him into your hand, slowly pumping him a few times before bringing him to your lips. you press a chaste kiss to the tip, relishing in the soft hiss he lets out at the minuscule contact. you can’t see minho, but you can tell that he’s smirking at you both from his seat, enjoying watching the way you tease the desperate boy in front of you.

“p-please don’t tease me, y/n,” he whimpers out, bringing his hands to tangle in your hair.

“shut up, sungie. you’re lucky i’m not trying you up in the corner to just watch,” minho spits, and jisung’s mouth instantly closes at the words.

you place another kiss along his slit before finally, licking a stripe up the underside of his cock. your tongue moves slowly against him, painstakingly slowly, and he lets out the most pathetic whine you’ve ever heard. it’s a beautiful sound, and you want to hear it again. you pause, waiting a few seconds before licking another stripe, moving just as leisurely as the first time, and you’re rewarded with another desperate whine, jisung wanting to ask for more, but knowing minho will stop you if he does. you lick once more before finally taking him into your mouth.

the only sound better than his whines is his moan upon finally getting to feel the warmth of your mouth. it’s low, guttural, bordering on being a groan. and it sounds like heaven. it sounds like a sinful delight that you’re all too happy to indulge in. you hollow your cheeks, sucking harshly on the tip of his cock before bobbing your head once, taking as much of him as you can before pulling away. you release him with a soft pop, swirling your tongue around him twice before moving back down his length, setting a calm pace with the bobs of your head.

you can feel him twitch in your mouth, his earlier lost orgasm already beginning to return. you hold your head down, feeling him deep in your throat. you moan around his cock, loving the way the vibrations make him rut his hips upwards, causing you to gag slightly. jisung’s legs start to tremble, his moans rising in pitch, and you can tell he’s getting close to his release.

“oh f-fuck, i’m gonna-” he stutters, eyes screwed shut and his hands tugging softly on your hair, a weak attempt to keep himself grounded.

“cum on their tits,” minho’s voice speaks up, and you’d almost forgotten he was even there, watching, observing the way you swallow around jisung’s cock.

“b-but-” jisung whines, wanting to cum down your throat.

“but what? you should be grateful i’m even letting you cum at all,” minho responds.

but, just like jisung, you also want him to cum down your throat. you want to taste him, want his release to coat your tongue. so, you don’t stop, continuing to bob your head up and down with new vigour, trying to make him cum before you can be stopped. but minho gets there first, moving from his chair to you in the blink of an eye, moving jisung’s hands from your hair and harshly grabbing a fistful of it himself, yanking your head back so that jisung’s cock falls free from the confines of your lips.

jisung is quick, taking his cock into his hand and pumping quickly, not wanting to lose his orgasm for the second time. minho presses one of his hands against your back so that you arch it, your chest protruding outwards. jisung pumps himself once, twice, before you feel the warmth of his release hit your tits. you hang your mouth open, tongue out in an attempt to taste at least a drop. but you’re out of luck, his cum only splattering across the expanse of your chest.

you watch jisung’s hand slow down, jerking himself off until he comes back down from his high. he lays limp against the bed, breathing heavily as he tries to catch his breath. minho lets go of you, moving towards jisung. he gentle strokes the younger boy’s hair, telling him how well he did. but the softness only lasts for a moment, minho yanking against jisung’s hair, pulling his head back so that they’re looking each other in the eye.

“lick it off,” minho orders, voice stern. jisung goes bright red, blood rushing to the surface as his face heats up in embarrassment, and you can practically feel the warmth radiating from him from where you’re sitting.

the look on his face is a marvel to behold, a perfect combination of humiliation and desire. so utterly embarrassed at the mere notion of it, but also so devastatingly turned on at the idea of licking his own cum from your breasts. he nods his head, moving so that you can take his place. you lie down, your head resting upon the pillows, jisung hovering over you.

minho stands up, returning to his chair at the end of the bed, watching as jisung’s head lowers to your breasts. jisung looks up at you through his eyelashes before pressing his tongue flat against the soft flesh of your chest.

there’s something so filthy, so dirty about watching him lick his own cum from your skin. something so entirely erotic about the trails of saliva he leaves behind. you moan softly when his lips wrap around one of your nipples, sucking softly on the sensitive bud. he’s quick to let go, though, moving his lips and tongue across, wrapping his lips around your other nipple as well. and it’s not long before his cum is cleaned from your tits, jisung turning to face minho, waiting to be told what happens next.

“good boy, sungie,” minho says, and jisung perks up at the praise, loving to hear that he’s doing a good job. “what do you say to y/n for making you cum?”

jisung turns back to face you, and it’s adorable, the way he looks so shy. but he says his thanks to you anyway, his cheeks a soft shade of pink.

“it’s your turn to give, pretty boy. y/n made you cum so now you can do the same to them.”

“yes, sir,” jisung says, moving so that his face is in front of your pussy. you’ve ignored the throbbing between your legs for long enough. and it’s only now, with jisung’s breath delicately hitting your dripping folds, that you realise just how desperate you are for some kind of stimulation. for any small amount of contact that can bring you the release you need.

his tongue darts out of his mouth, quickly swiping up from your entrance to your clit. you let out a broken moan, your hands flying to tangle in his hair and your eyes closing tightly. jisung’s always been good at this, making you feel good with his mouth. and as his tongue dips into your hole, you can’t help but feel as if you’re floating amongst the clouds.

he only adds to your pleasure, however, when he brings his fingers to prod at your entrance while he sucks at your clit. he curls his digits, working your g-spot for the second time today and it makes your back arch. you tug at his hair, pressing his face harder against you, greedy for more. and jisung is happy to provide. he thrusts his fingers into you faster, humming against your clit. and the vibrations feel like electricity, setting off every nerve ending in your body.

you slowly open your eyes, and you’re greeted with one of the best sights. minho sits on his chair, clothes in a pile on the floor next to him, his hand wrapped around his hard cock, jerking himself off to the sight of you being eaten out by jisung. jisung’s fingers pumping in and out of your walls feel divine, but the addition of knowing that minho’s watching, and that he’s getting off to it as well, is enough to make the knot in your stomach grow faster.

you look down at jisung, and you love the way he looks. his maid outfit still covering him, his eyes closed as he relishes in the taste of you. his hands wrap around your thighs, grip firmly holding you in place, and you can see the way his hips rut against the edge of the bed.

the knot grows, steadily coiling tighter and tighter until you’re waiting, with bated breath, for it to unravel. with a particularly delightful curl of jisung’s fingers, you’re cumming, your legs shaking on either side of his head. he works you through it until you’re only left trembling with the aftershocks of your orgasm.

minho stands up, signalling for jisung to do the same, and the younger boy does, standing beside the bed awaiting instructions.

“strip,” he says to jisung, and he does, quickly ridding himself of the maid outfit, tossing it unceremoniously into the corner of the room.

jisung stands still, cock hard once again, and you can see on his face how much he’s struggling to stop himself from wrapping his hand around himself. minho ignores him for a moment, helping you manoeuvre yourself so that you’re laying sideways across the bed, your head hanging off the edge. he climbs on the bed, positioning himself between your legs before finally acknowledging jisung once more.

“you’re gonna fuck their throat again, sungie,” he says and is quick to continue when jisung pouts. “and don’t complain. if you were good earlier, then you might’ve gotten to fuck their pussy, but you weren’t. so, you’re gonna take what you get and be grateful for it.”

jisung huffs slightly but says nothing further as he lines himself up with your opened mouth. he takes himself in his hand, rubbing the head of his cock along your lips, his breathing uneven from the knowledge of the pleasure that is in store for him. minho does the same, sliding his tip up and down your entrance, gathering your wetness. and only when you whine softly, a quiet beg for more, do they finally both push into you.

it’s kind of funny, the way they both simultaneously pause when they’re bottomed out, catching their breaths, needing a moment to recover from how good you feel wrapped around them. it feels like a lifetime before they begin to move, and it’s immediate euphoria, the way minho’s cock drags along your walls, every single one of his thrusts deep and purposeful. his hips move slowly into yours, wanting to truly feel the way you clench around him. and jisung’s thrusts are the same, calculated, determined, savouring the way your throat constricts his cock in just the right way.

you keep your eyes closed, just letting yourself feel the way they’re making you feel, the almost overwhelming pleasure you’re being provided. you can feel the drool dripping from the corners of your opened mouth. you can hear the grunts and groans from both of your boyfriends, you can smell the unmistakable scent of sex in the air. and you can taste jisung’s precum on the back of your tongue.

you’re careful of your breathing, being sure to take breaths at every opportunity. you lift your hands, gripping tightly onto jisung’s thighs while minho’s hands do the same to your hips. his fingers dig into the flesh, and you know that the skin there will be littered with a bunch of tiny bruises. but you don’t care, bruises are a small price to pay for total pleasure, especially when they don’t hurt at all.

jisung’s hands cradle your head, and he watches the faint outline of his cock in your throat. the sight alone draws a moan from his lips and sends a shudder through his body. your attention is brought back to minho when he begins to slowly rub at your clit with his thumb, and your body jolts slightly from the pleasure. you clench tighter around him in response, making his hips stutter for a moment before he regains his steady rhythm.

“fuck! c-can i cum? please? i n-need to,” jisung pleads, his thrusts into your mouth growing sloppier and sloppier as he gets closer to his orgasm.

“of course you can, sungie. go ahead and cum for us,” minho says, and you pick up on the tone with which he speaks. you can hear the almost sinister undertones in his words, but it’s obvious jisung doesn’t, because he releases down your throat with a moan.

he thrusts a few more times until he comes down from his high before stilling inside your mouth. he’s panting, trying to catch his breath before minho speaks up again.

“now, keep going.”

“huh?” jisung’s confused, it’s written all over his face. and there’s slight fear in his eyes. he’s well aware of what minho’s order means, but he doesn’t want to believe it.

“you wanted so badly to cum earlier, even breaking the rules to try and do so. so that’s what you’re gonna do. you’re gonna cum again.”

jisung’s frozen in his spot, and you press your hands harder against the back of his thighs so that he can’t step away. you take the chance to catch your breath as much as you can, taking deep breaths in through your nose while you wait for him to move again. but he doesn’t, each time he tries to thrust again his body shivers in overstimulation, and it stops him. minho takes matters into his own hands.

he thrusts into you with more force than before, causing you to moan around jisung as well as lurch towards jisung. you swallow around him and the younger boy whimpers from the overstimulation, his knees almost buckling beneath him, but you can tell he loves it.

minho grips your thighs, lifting your legs so that they wrap around his torso, and he’s able to thrust into you better, the slight change providing the perfect angle for him to reach deeper inside your tight walls. you can hear his breathing getting ragged, the warmth of your pussy starting to get to him, and his hips stutter every few thrusts.

minho lets out a shaky moan, and you clench around him as tight as you can, beginning to grind your hips up against him for some added friction, while jisung finally regains control of himself, managing to restart shallow thrusts into your throat.

all the nerves in your body are alight once more, and you can feel the knot forming again. you continue moaning around jisung’s cock, and the vibrations are sending him hurtling towards another release of his own. you can tell that minho is also nearing his end, his breathing is heavy, his thrusts are getting sloppy. but he doesn’t want to be the first to finish. he slides one of his hands up your body, leaving goosebumps in his fingertips’ wake before reaching your neck. he wraps his hand around your throat, and jisung’s the first to feel it. he feels the way your throat envelops him tighter, and he lets out such a desperate whine before cumming down your throat without warning. you swallow around him, feeling the way his thick cum slides down the back of your throat. his legs shake when he steps away from you, and he’s quick to lay down on the bed beside you.

minho’s hand stays around your throat as he continues to thrust into you, and he rolls his hips expertly. you’re close, so damn close to your orgasm. but you need something more, anything more, and jisung and minho can both see that. they both know what to do, minho leaning down and bringing one of your nipples into his mouth, while jisung wraps his lips around the other.

they both work in tandem, almost in sync as their tongues flick and swirl over your buds and it’s mere moments before they have you right there, standing on the precipice of ultimate pleasure, teetering on the cliffside, so close that a small gust of wind could push you over. but you fall, of your own volition, into an earth-shattering orgasm.

your entire body moves on its own, writhing, trembling. your head is thrown back, eyes squeezed shut, legs shaking and twitching around minho’s torso. your back arches, your hips buck up and down over and over again. you’ve never had an orgasm so good, so exquisite, before. minho can tell from the way your walls grip his cock tighter than ever before, the way your mouth hangs open in a silent moan that just can’t seem to escape the confines of your throat.

the almost unbearable tightness of your pussy sends him over, triggering the orgasm that he’s been fending off for longer than he’d like to admit. you’re still lost in the pleasure, blissed out from the best orgasm of your life when minho releases inside you, painting your wall white. it’s only when you both have come down from your highs that both boys detach from your chest, jisung flopping back against the pillows while minho gently pulls out of you.

“you guys good?” minho asks, leaning back, propped up with his arms. you and jisung nod, happy smiles on both your faces. “good, then i’ll go grab us some water.”

he slowly stands up, catching his breath before heading out of the room. you use the moment to quickly go to the bathroom to clean yourself up. and by the time you return to the bedroom, minho is already there, two glasses of water in his hands and one more in jisung’s. minho hands one to you as you sit back down on the bed. it’s not until you drink the cool liquid that you realise just how much your throat aches. it’s faced a lot of use over the course of the session, but you know a scratchy throat is only temporary.

“i really liked your outfits,” minho says, breaking the comfortable silence that had settled in the room.

“thank you,” you and jisung say in unison. you both giggle before you continue.

“i bought them months ago and started to give up hope that they’d even show up.”

“then it’s a really good thing they did because they just might get a lot of use,” minho replies, smiling. “did you both have fun?”

“of course! it was really good,” jisung responds first.

“yeah, i really enjoyed it,” you say.

“i’m glad.” minho grins wider, happy that you both enjoyed it. it always makes him happy to know you both had fun. “what shall we do now? get in the hot tub or watch a movie?”

“who says we can’t do both? hot tub and then a movie,” jisung says.

“i second that motion,” you add.

“alrighty then,” minho replies. “then that’s what we’ll do.”

all three of you make your ways out of the bedroom, stopping to grab a towel each on the way to the backyard. and as you all reach the hot tub, jisung and minho both pulling back the cover, you’re just excited to sink into the nice hot water with both of your loving boyfriends.

#stray kids smut #skz smut #lee minho smut #lee know smut #han jisung smut #skz jisung smut #skz han smut #skz lee know smut #skz minho smut

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pinkpruneclodwolf · 2 years

Text

Hi!

Lately I've been reading your blog in my spare time.

And oh heavens...I'm in love with your amazing mind!!

I hope you won't mind if I share some of my thoughts? I'm sorry if I'm being too dramatic.

I thought for a long time about all this "accumulation" of ink in the body, during Yuu's stay in NRC.

The first is that in the world of Yuu, there is no magic as such, then their body will be exposed to magic more strongly than other students.

I think it would be logical that with the appearance of the first magic stones, magic became more stable and had less influence on the "carrier" and this is what has been produced in the bodies of TWST residents for many generations. They are used to living surrounded by magic. They no longer have the "side effects" of magic like their ancestors.

But Yuu didn't have a single chance to skip this "phase", their body is trying to adapt to all this monstrous power of magic in college. (Poor Yuu was just thrown literally into the magical Chernobyl)

Add to this the fact that Yuu and Grim do not live in the best conditions.

Give them a normal home already, I beg...., I know what it's like to be in terrible conditions for a long time and I can literally see the consequences on Yuu's health. Considering that the roof is leaking, I am sure that there is mold and mildew in the building. And they definitely won't spare the lungs of a teenager who sleeps on a multi-week draught!

It's a constant cough, it's suffocation from dust and a musty smell.

Yuu's body literally cannot be at rest and safe for any length of time.

(Leona i just thanks, at least for the fact that they could sleep on the floor. Not a five-star hotel, but it's better than it was. It's still warm in Sawanaclaw.)

And something else has been bothering me for weeks.

Do you remember Director Crowley saying that Yuu has memory impairments due to teleportation magic?

And that she should recover over time?

But what if Yuu's brains were literally....Burned out by magic?

For a long time Yuu can't remember something more "concrete" about his world. Holidays are very common, some sports that can be heard by chance.

What if magic had irreversibly burned their memories of their home into Yuu's memory?

Irrevocably and cruelly.

"Magic is not omnipotent"

She will not be able to repair or restore their memory, because there is nothing left of her.

And this is the cruelest thing that can ever happen to poor Yuu.

Their body is literally soaked in toxic ink, which slowly kills them and makes them behave very harshly and rudely towards others.

Their minds are definitely out of order. (I won't even argue Yuu will have PTSD at the end of Chapter 6.)

Because they have no guarantee that their mind is clear and does not break, they do not go crazy because of everything that has happened.Yuu has no evidence that all these "dreams/visions" are not something normal in TWST.

Yes, it is possible that this is a gift of "foresight". Something like the strength of Merlin from the cartoon "Sword in Stone". He can't tell who and when. But he knows for sure that this will happen.

This can be a very rare phenomenon among magicians, which many will want to get to use to please themselves.

So they have to hide it all like in a Pandora's box. Not for anything, not to show anyone, under any circumstances, because they have been taught more than once not to show their weaknesses.

And you know I don't trust Crowley. * cough * because he is a Phantom Blot and is clearly plotting something * cough*

Why doesn't he make a Puppet for himself?Literally break up an unformed teenager - Yuu, for your own purposes?

The soaked body of a teenager without magic cannot form a "full-fledged Phantom" right?

But they also cannot die, because without a "carrier" there will be no shell necessary for the Phantom to live. ..

In any case, thank you for your attention! I wish you a good week, you're wonderful, don't forget about it!

And I am proud of all those small achievements that you manage to do!( •̀ ω •́ )✧

#submission #twst #twisted wonderland #twst theory #scream into the void and i'll answer #@emyluwinter

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charcubed · 3 years

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Celebrities’ sexualities/relationships, and what not to post where

I’m going to make an all-purpose, general post about this topic, because it seems like there’s value in making one. Anyone who’s been following me here or on Twitter long enough has seen me address this before but often in specific scenarios, but y’know what... let me just make a general all-purpose post too just to lay this out for the sake of my own sanity.

We all know this is a thing: people like to speculate on celebrities’ sexualities and/or participate in “real person fiction” (RPF), and that’s been happening since the dawn of fandom. On some level, I understand why; it's exciting to think a celebrity might be queer especially if YOU are. We all want role models & we all want that to be normalized, etc... and sometimes it’s a case of “like recognizes like”; queer people can spot other queer people. But whether or not one is “correct” doesn’t matter, and either way, celebrities' lives are not for our consumption. They do not exist for our entertainment or speculation. This kind of talk can get out of hand very quickly in a way that ruins the lives of real people.

So I am here to remind people to be mindful of what you say about celebrities, where you say it, and HOW you say it too.

For example: under no circumstances should you openly post things about celebrities’ sexuality or relationships on Twitter.

If you know this already, cool! Great! Good! Keep scrolling! But not everyone does know this, and either way, it’s always a good reminder–especially because people can get excited in the heat of a moment and these principles can easily accidentally fly out of the window.

Not all social media is “equal” or carries the same weight of potential real world consequence. Tumblr, for example, tends to influence little outside of here as long as the topic in question stays on Tumblr; AO3 fic stays on AO3, or at least it should. But Instagram comments or tweets do not exist in a vacuum or echo chamber the way people often seem to think, and often route back to the celebrities in question in harmful ways. Those platforms are open to the wider world in a way that can translate to very real consequence for the people being discussed.

What do I mean by that? A good example of how things can get unintended attention is what happened recently when memes about Misha Collins and Bill Clinton got out of hand, made their way to Twitter, and resulted in journalists writing articles that Misha felt he needed to address. On a more related note, recently Brie Larson made one offhand gay joke/reference in a personal Youtube video; it then trended worldwide and resulted in many articles too. There is now, unfortunately, high potential that she could be asked about and pressured about her sexuality in interviews in future. Did any of the people tweeting about those topics expect that to happen? Probably not, and yet it did. But these are good examples of how Twitter algorithms have vastly shifted, and keyword use is enough for things to easily and quickly trend outside of fandom’s intentions or control in ways that cause harm.

Putting any celebrities’ personal lives under a microscope, whether unintentionally or otherwise, is never a good idea. But it’s especially not a good idea when it comes to sexualities or personal relationships.

People will say “Shipping is just in the fandom! We know how to behave! What’s the problem? It’s never gone wrong before.” The problem is multilayered, but here are the main issues: the fact that nothing “bad” has happened before does not mean it never will. You can control your behavior, but you cannot control how other people–especially people who are new to your fandom–may or may not behave on the wider internet surrounding the topic of people's personal lives. Posting about it on main on somewhere like Twitter also inherently runs the risk of other outside parties seeing it, being like “what’s all this then?” and then picking it up and running with it further–whether that be ~haters~ or journalists.

People will also say “These celebrities know about this kind of fandom talk and they don’t care!” or “If the celebrities wanted us to stop this, they’d have said something by now!” To that I say: those are a lot of assumptions, when the only “assumption” one should realistically make is that we don’t know celebrities personally, we don’t know if they may or may not be actually closeted/unlabeled (which is their right!), and we don’t know what may make them uncomfortable while other things may not. The absence of "no" or "stop" isn't equivalent to "yes," nor is it citable as defense for questionable or potentially harmful behavior. Silence isn't blanket approval or consent, nor should it be assumed to be in any situation. Just because celebrities haven’t said in so many words “Please stop doing [this specific thing]” doesn’t mean they are automatically cool with whatever a fandom is doing, such as speculating about them or openly pointing out what they think they know about their sexualities or relationships. This includes posts on the wider timeline, or tweets and Instagram comments @ celebrities themselves filled with references or assumptions about their lives that are very not okay.

Even with something like Brie Larson’s situation... A celebrity making a joke or acting a certain way in one environment where they may feel comfortable or more relaxed–like a Youtube video, or a convention with fans, or anything else–does not mean that that celebrity expects or wants worldwide eyes on their behavior. And worldwide attention is what is always at risk on platforms like Twitter or Instagram.

Ultimately, overanalyzing and calling attention to people’s actions is how people who are allies can be made to feel awkward, or how people who are queer get outed or forced into labels. I literally live in fear of the day when some random journalist starts poking around specific fandoms/celebrities, connects the dots that are out there and are seemingly easy to connect, and then somehow makes their sexuality a topic of interviews. Once it becomes a Topic, it becomes nearly unavoidable for them. That’s what happened to Lee Pace; it’s how many people are forced to come out. At all times, queer celebrities are a stone’s throw away from having to deal with all of that in ways no one should, especially as they get more famous. If you care about any celebrity you like to talk about, or if you care about the privacy of real people at all in the ways you should (especially potentially queer people), this should be a point of concern for you.

So, in conclusion: be mindful. If you must talk about celebrities’ lives on something like Twitter, do it without using their actual names to avoid keywords, because they trend at the drop of a hat out of nowhere and that can ruin lives. Avoid deliberate repetition in your phrases because that’s how accidental trends are made. And, better yet, honestly? Consider just keeping that kind of talk to Tumblr/AO3, and preferably to personal private messages.

Your ability to fangirl/squee/celebrate a real person’s life is not more important than their right to privacy. Ever. This is not a petty topic and it is not “fandom policing” to say things like this out of concern. Acting from an abundance of caution is always the better way to go, because you lose nothing by being extra vigilant; the alternative of not being cautious enough comes with a high risk of negative consequence.

If we all just operate under the knowledge that talking about real people can translate to real consequences for real lives, and act with an abundance of respect/caution accordingly, then there will be nothing to worry about. And celebrities will get to live their private lives and (if this is applicable) be the authors of their own coming out journeys as they see fit, which is a right everyone should have.

From the bottom of my heart: just use both your empathy and your brain cells, please.

#celebrities #RPF #I logged on and I see people vagueposting about one specific actors' sexuality and my hairs stood on end #I know this post is long but I'd appreciate it if you'd reblog it #because this keeps coming up and it keeps BEING A PROBLEM and I am AFRAID FOR MANY CELEBRITIES #BUT ESPECIALLY A FEW WE SHALL NOT BE NAMING AT THIS TIME #please it costs $0 to be smart about this #I am once again begging people to be normal about this!!!!!!#char writes things

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collisiondiscourse · 3 years

Text

on the wonder duo (part 1)

(BNHA Analysis Post Ahead! This isn’t explicitly romantic, but it is an analysis of the relationship between the two most popular characters in BNHA--Katsuki Bakugou and Izuku Midoriya. Split into two posts because I realized that this was gonna be long as HELL)

yall ever think about the fact that the wonder duo is perfectly set up in so that bakugou and deku together are the better version of all might?

bc like. ive been thinking.

everyone knows the win to save and save to win parallel. How they are supposedly two halves of a whole perfect hero (which, previously, was defined as all might)

but ever since bakugou and deku started working as one—growing together to win AND save and continuously reminding each other that they shouldnt try to do things alone, ive realized that its BECAUSE theres two of them that they surpass all might. its not a case of deku and bakugou both being 50% of an ideal hero, but rather i think that they are 100% of what all might SHOULD HAVE BEEN from the very beginning.

as early as the AM v AFO battle in kamino, we see the effects of all mights flawed existence. the fact that he, the greatest and supposedly infallible symbol of peace, was destroyed—society had begun to collapse. there was suddenly no pillar to hold people together and the impacts were so severe that even in the latest chapters of mha it keeps on getting worse. the truth is, all mights biggest mistake was the burden he placed on his own shoulders

with bakugou and deku... its different.

its different for them because down to their attributions, they seem like two halves of a whole person.

i think that the wonder duo are going to surpass all might because of the fact that they work together.

@bakugoukatsuki-rising @svpercraigus @tybee @isaustraliaathing

(batshit crazy and conspiratorial essay under the cut !)

1. Complementary Colors

I’d like to first preface literally everything I say by the fact that I am not an expert analyzer or literary major in any way. I am literally just some random fan on the internet who has wayyy too much time and looks wayyy too deep into things, but here we go!

A common thing we see when we talk about bakugou and deku is the way they are... sort of an inverse of one another.

Down to the design of their features and the way they move, Deku is the obviously softer of the two. There’s an intentional contrast between the two of them, in the way that Deku’s drawn with round shapes and curvy hair and the way Bakugou is literally all spikes and half-mast eyes and rough muscles. Bakugou’s movements too are languid and showy, with the way he leans when he walks and splays his legs and kicks open doors. Katsuki, in a casual sense, is loud and dramatic.

Deku on the other hand s finicky. He jitters when he walks and he’s often fidgeting and mumbling. Comparatively, the aura he radiates is energetic and frenzied, even self-conscious to a point unlike Bakugou’s calm and confident movements.

the point is, there’s a clear difference in how either of them are designed and what exactly they are supposed to represent. They utterly complement each other down to the way they behave and even their main colors (red-orange and blue-green) being literal complementary colors.

Now, moving to my more ungrounded points, this is quite a bit of a stretch so I’ll try as much as possible to make sense of these with hyperlinked sources because. yeah.

Down to their names, I think Deku and Bakugou both symbolize something deeper. I think that the way Hori expresses characters and what they’re meant to do is something that we have to pay close attention to when we talk about the Wonder Duo’s rise to success.

Izuku Midoriya (緑谷出久), as some of us may know, does have an interesting meaning when broken up. According to a lovely fan translation of his name, ‘Izuku’--while not an actual name used commonly in real life--means to ‘Come out’ or ‘Long time’. ‘Midoriya’ on the other hand means (Midori) ‘Green’ and (ya) ‘valley’. The translator further pointed out that his first name ‘Izuku’ could be a reference to him being the first legendary hero to come out of the long-running All Might Era. (or, if you’ve been reading @/bakugoukatsuki-rising’s posts, the first significant anime protag in a long while to come out as queer, ppfft)

but that isn’t my focus right now.

We know that Hori LOVES telling stories with names, and more often than not in the BNHA universe, names alone tell us a lot of things about the characters. When referring to Izuku’s last name, Midoriya, it’s important I think to step back and realize that hey, maybe there’s something more to Green Valley than just the fact that his motif is all green.

After searching for a lil on the specifics of green valley, I’ve found out that across many cultures, the colour green and valleys in general tend to represent life. From dream analysts, to Christianity, and even old Taoist teachings, valleys are seen as areas of fertility and escape. They are seen as safe havens and often escapes for people to come to after running away from bad circumstances.

(Sound familiar?)

Deku, in essence represents life and peace. He represents being the “salvation” that the world in BNHA needed. To me, it sounds like Horikoshi is trying to say that he is the long-awaited hero in the sense. The one that people can feel will create a society that feels safe for everyone after years of All Might just saving people from themselves as a band-aid solution.

On the other hand, we have Katsuki Bakugou (爆豪勝己), who’s name we commonly know means (Katsuki) Winner and (Bakugou) Explosion Master. He is essentially, the champion. The power. His name means success and power and all the things that make up winning.

When putting them side by side, it then becomes increasingly... interesting to me how their names almost perfectly slot into All Might’s save to win and win to save mantra, and how they are both quintessential parts to what made All Might as a hero.

2. Hero Too!

Now, I’m not even gonna really TOUCH much of what happens in canon. If you want me to do a step by step breakdown of their arcs in regards to the plot of manga and anime, feel free to send me a gratuitous ko-fi tip so I can pay for the headache I get after trying to organize my thoughts into word vomit.

What I WILL talk about on the other hand, is the subtle shift both of them slowly have in regards to how they look. Bakugou and Deku, while growing up, seem to have MANY many parallels--but before I elaborate on all of that, I wanna talk about something else.

Detour: Deku’s Red Shoes

We all know the iconic symbol being Deku’s red shoes. For all his life, save for some outfits like his hero one, we see Deku more often than not wearing his signature red sneakers which have become a running joke in fandom.

But the funny thing is, in Japan, red shoes seem to have an interesting connotation.

In 1922, a popular Japanese nursery rhyme was written, called “Red Shoes”. The interesting part to me about this song was the symbolism that, in my tiny pea-sized brain, I could connect to the story of BNHA.

The story goes that there was a little girl with red shoes named ‘Kimi’. She was from Shizuoka prefecture (which, if you didn’t know, is most likely where Musutafu supposedly is) and was raised by a single mother. When she was young, her mother had to entrust her with a foreigner under the impression that they would give her a better life in America. The stranger is a man named Charles Hewitt (who was described to have blue eyes) and supposedly took her away.

The singer of the song (supposedly the mother, but some argue it was written from the perspective of a childhood friend) believes that Kimi is happy and living a better life away from them, when the reality of the situation was much worse. The young girl with red shoes in actuality had Tuberculosis, and thus the foreigner whom she was entrusted to had left her to fend for herself and eventually left her to go to America while she died alone and orphaned.

“When I see red shoes, I think of her.”

A very interesting story with very interesting implications indeed.

Anyway, moving on to the more... “nuanced” and connected parts of this section, I have every reason to believe that Bakugou and Deku were simply MEANT to be working together down to how they dress. Now, I’d like to discuss their hero costumes.

At the start of their series, using these godawful pics for reference, it’s clear to see that neither of them seem alike in any way--reflecting the dissonance in their relationship at that point in canon.

ough. deku why. (yes we know why its because you love your mom you stupid little bunny <3)

Anyway, we see an immediate gap in how the two of them are. Deku’s first costume is one that reflects how he treated his dream of being a hero. He was still in that childlike idolization phase, the one where his dreams and aspirations were hinged on pure feelings and inspiration from All Might. Katsuki on the other hand was a lot more tactical--professional to an extent. The gap between their respective development with their quirks is something that is clearly felt in every fashion decision they’d made.

(Notice how Deku’s green is a lot brighter and less like the green accents Katsuki has all over his costume.)

As time progressed however... their costumes changed. The colors, the silhouettes, the practical functions, most things.

(Deku’s Gamma Costume and Bakugou’s Winter Costume used respectively)

we begin to notice a few similarities.

As the show goes on and we see more evolutions of their costumes, it almost seems like they begin to look like a matching pair. Deku’s green grows darker and almost teal in nature, while Bakugou’s orange is veering towards red territory. This is important to note because red-orange and blue-green as I said earlier were complementary colors as compared to simply orange and green. The minute shift is something I really wasn’t quite sure was intentional, but something I find interesting to pick up nonetheless as the colors they used to accent their costumes begin to match up.

Secondly, I think and important thing to note is silhouettes. The way that both Bakugou and Deku’s costumes are designed follow a lot of parallels that typically we don’t see with the rest of 1-A. For one, they both have a combination of tight long-sleeved tops with a bulkier set of bottoms. They also share the use of utility belts and metal pieces typically worn around their necks. Deku has his bunny-eared hood that mimics All Might’s hair, while Bakugou has his orange and black explosion ear-pieces that mimic his own quirk.

i don’t think any other people in class 1-A match each other as subtly yet strongly as these two. Uraraka and Deku and Bakugou and Kirishima do come close however.

“But Codi, you fucking knob!” I hear you plea. “This is such a reach and tells us practically NOTHING!” And yes, I’m inclined to agree with you! You’d be sort of right in the idea that this is a reach. Maybe I am looking too much into this, and maybe it really isn’t that deep--but I do think that them subconsciously matching outfits means something quite brilliant.

In the way that their costumes are designed, each aspect of either outfits have a very logical explanation. The changes were strategic and made with their fighting styles vividly in mind, so what that tells me is that BECAUSE these costumes are so complementary or similar in nature (Bakugou’s reinforcing his arms while Deku reinforces his legs), these two are implicitly showing the audience that their combat styles are complementary as well.

The evolution of their design choices and similarities tell us that even unknowingly, their minds line up in strategy on the battlefield--a clear exhibit for why they would be INCREDIBLY POWERFUL as a Hero Duo to begin with.

When I look at their hero costumes side by side, I see a mirror. I see the way that these two are reflections of each other and are strong where the other isn’t. The point I see in BNHA repeatedly is that EVERYONE HAS A WEAKNESS. Nothing is infallible, regardless of how hard you train or how powerful your quirk is. Everyone will always have a weakness, but the significant difference I see when fandom discusses the future of Pro-Hero Society is that the new generation is finally raising itself to be RELIANT on each other.

Observing their fighting styles and the simple use of their quirks, its obvious that they are indeed two parts of a whole hero. Bakugou, who’s quirk emphasized his arms and hands and the power that comes from it, while Deku who’s quirk now emphasizes his legs and lower body and the way he’s always running to save people.

IN CONCLUSION:

As they become heroes, it is easy to assume that if nothing else, Bakugou and Deku will cover each other’s weak spots (especially when you consider the way Deku probably won’t be able to keep using his arms with the way both the anime and manga are going...) (also chapter 285, anyone?)

Part Two: Interactions, OfA

kofi || commission details

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dreamylyfe-x · 3 years

Note

In love with your metas! What are your thoughts on s4 Lip and Fiona’s “”I’m not guilty,” “Liam almost died”” scene/situation? Who do you agree with? Also same with the s9 “you got my sponsee drunk” between them as well? My opinion changes every time I think about it.

Oh, God. Sometimes it's like you guys must have a scope that looks directly into my brain. That dynamic is definitely one that haunts me.

So personal feelings first: I am always mad at Lip in these scenes and I always think he's mostly right. He just comes at Fiona with so much rage and so little understanding that I still kinda want to smack him. But that's Lip. Lip loves Fiona. He DOES understand, I think better than almost all the kids (except maybe Ian) how much Fiona does for them. But he also can be such a dick to her.

What happens with Liam is beyond horrifying. Beyond. And I do think Fiona needs someone to tell her that, even though she's done so much more than she should ever have been asked to do and she has essentially saved the life of her siblings, it doesn't matter because she also nearly killed Liam. You can see her clinging to her view of herself as this person who has selflessly done what's best for everyone and kept them all together and out of care, in a house with food and electricity (most of the time) for years. She dropped out of school for them and she gave up her childhood for them and SHE IS STILL GUILTY in the eyes of the law.

And it isn't, strictly speaking, fair that she doesn't get to fuck up at all and that the consequence for this is going to be huge and it DEFINITELY isn't fair that someone in those exact circumstances with more money would suffer less consequences (while probably being under less stress and with more resources to prevent the accident) because they could hire a less stressed and under-resourced attorney. She's not wrong to feel like her POV matters... but it doesn't matter to Lip, whose baby brother is in the hospital.

More key, though... and this is where Lip is not covered in glory... He knows that if Fiona goes to jail his entire life goes up in smoke, because he is going to have to become the Fiona. So he's mad at Fiona for being irresponsible and letting this happen. But he's also self-interested in having her take the plea because if she doesn't, and she loses (and I think he's right to say she will) then what happens to Lip's life?

It's one of those things early Shameless does really well. The Gallaghers keep each other afloat, but there's also this war among them about who has the right to try and get out and when. And I do think Lip thinks that it's Fiona's job to sacrifice her life for everyone else because he's the superstar and he's the one with the potential. (He's also not the one who fought for guardianship, but that doesn't make this root idea that Lip does feel like his future is worth more than Fiona's less gross.)

Season nine, I'm less on Lip's side, but Fiona is also less sympathetic. Because she really has just dropped her basket entirely. Like she got fucked over and she's in that same place she was in season four where every single part of her is screaming "THIS ISN'T FAIR!" -- but she's behaving like a child. She's having a long temper tantrum and is determined to make as many people miserable as possible. The way she treats her staff in that section of story is jaw-dropping. I feel worse for them than anything.

But. Again. Lip is doing all kinds of shit that season and not cluing anyone in and then he's mad at Fiona over stuff I think she should be mad at him for. Like Xan. No one seems to have agreed to Lip's plan to foster Xan but he's going ahead with it anyway. He's telling Debbie she's going to have to move rooms! It's a whole bunch of Lip in season 11, just bulldozing ahead with something when he has no buy-in because he's convinced he's right. And while he has a point that Fiona is drunk the middle of the day and that's a problem, the rest of it is pretty flimsy.

Even more so when it comes to Jason, because Jason is responsible for his own sobriety. Fiona doesn’t know he’s an addict. Fiona doesn’t know he is Lip's sponsee. He's an adult who asked to share a drink with her and she complied. It's really not reasonable for her to anticipate the consequences -- but it's also on ultimately on Jason.

That said. If Lip is just like "Fiona, you are a mess, not contributing, being horrifying to everyone and I'm really, really scared for you" that's a whole other thing. That's pretty valid. And Lip might feel all those things, but they're buried under a lot of rage. And unfortunately, I think the rage continues to be rooted in Lip's conviction that it's Fiona's job to be on top of everything. Which is honestly pretty childish. But.

I think, more than any other kid, Lip struggles to admit that Fiona is his spiritual mother. Because she's also his sister and his war buddy. But some part of him is so hurt and threatened by the moments where Fiona doesn't handle her shit and I think his reactions are often rooted in how scared he is of life without her. But Lip, being Lip, really doesn't express that well.

I like Lip a lot as a character but he is SO wrong so much of the time. And the show is so consistent about that. He's another character where, having seen how the show chose to close the book on him has informed my opinion of him overall. Lip's too smart for his own good and he struggles to look at the things that have hurt him and made him vulnerable. So he responds with anger and part of what makes those scenes hard is not that Lip doesn't have a point, it's that he's collapsing everything with all his feelings of rage and all his fear that comes from being abandoned by both parents. So I guess, to sum up, my feelings are this: Lip's not wrong. But he's not right, either.

#asks #thanks so much for this!#it's fun to get them about the other characters #and I do enjoy Lip and Fiona's relationship #but man do they both drive me crazy sometimes #Fiona Gallagher #lip Gallagher #shameless meta #shameless season 4 #shameless season 9

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rawbin69 · 3 years

Photo

*Slowly walks up to you, cradling this*

*Gently sets it down in fromt of you*

*SPRIN TS THE FUCK AEWAY IN PANIC*

Okay anyways hi I’m back after like, months lol, sorry about that (but I’m not actually back because I’m busy trying not to die because of school-work and trying to work on some MAP parts. I literally said five days ago on my yt channel “Hi I’m back now!! :-D” and school just said “no <3″ which, um, rude. So yeah I might come on and occasionally come post something but I’m really not gonna be coming on here to be active

OKAY OKAY but I need to explain these sketches because they will be suuuper confusing without context, I am very aware, yes, so there’s an explanation (+ some extra art and a non-shaded version of the stuff above) under the cut :-)

BASICALLY, @lulzyrobot made this AU of Pokémon Sword and Shield and now I have brain rot because of it. Also this AU will indeed be confusing to those who have no knowledge about sword and shield so here’s a skippable paragraph about the game:

(OBVIOUSLY SPOILERS BELOW)

Basically, SwSh is just a Pokémon game (no surprise there) and its gimmick or whatever is Dynamax, which turns Pokémon like. Really fucking large. (Some of them can also Gigantamax which changes their appearance as well as size, but we don’t care about that here bc it really isn’t relevant). In all gyms (except one, Spikemouth) there are power spots, which are needed for a Pokémon to Dynamax. If they’re not close to a power spot, they can’t do it. There are also power spots in the Wild Area (which is, you guessed it, an area in the game). At one point in the game, the villain -- Chairman Rose -- starts up something called “the Darkest Day”, which happened before in the Galarian region (which is where everything takes place), in hopes of getting infinite energy for them or something like that (really makes no sense but like ok pop off ig). To do this, he basically uses these things called Wishing Stars -- which are what allows Pokémon to Dynamax -- to summon a Pokémon called Eternatus. In-game, you basically just summon two other legendaries (Zacian and Zamazenta -- they’re on the cover of the games) and fight Eternatus and then catch the fucker. That’s all context you need for this AU so let’s move on to that now:

The AU is basically that Eternatus sends out a powerful blast which fuses trainers with Pokémon, to varying degrees. The closer to a power spot you are, the more likely you are to get it bad. If you’re far enough from one you won’t be affected at all. A person can merge with multiple Pokémon, but the more of them, the harder it is to not go wild. If you merge with a wild Pokémon, you’ll become a Wild Trainer (and those basically act like, well, wild Pokémon).

If you want more info (which you do want, trust me on this), here’s a post made by the creator themself!! https://lulzyrobot.tumblr.com/post/610890677032747008/pokemon-dynamorph-au-masterpost

OKAY ANYWAY, back onto this specific sketch (wow I really went on a rampage there lol)

I decided to Dynamorph my trainersona(??????) (btw, both the Dynamorph version AND the “human” version are WIPs, I’m not completely happy with either of them) and this was the resuulltttt

- Their name is Robin (because I’m a bastard that does self-insert ships with no shame)

- They merged with their Arcanine (and I’m considering also adding a wild Lycanroc, both so I can give them Epic Claws™ and so that their whole extremely volatile nature makes any sense)

- They have some REAL trouble keeping themself in check. Like. They’re constantly on the edge between becoming a Wild Trainer and being “normal”

- Because I am, like I said, a bastard who does self-ships without any shame they are together with Piers. yes I am a simp for him.

- Robin has their select group of friends (made up of all gym leaders minus Opal because they have no idea what the fuck is up with her, as well as Marnie, Hop and Leon. No they don’t give a shit about Bede) which they are super protective of. They have to be reminded that they can all handle themselves, because they might otherwise become a bit possessive.

- While they are a raging storm you do NOT want to get involved with in any way to anybody outside their friend group, they are really nice to be around when they really care about you. They may be pretty stubborn, but they always do what they think is best for their loved ones. On multiple occasions, they’ve gone out to collect any sorts of gifts they can find that they think their friends will enjoy. They are super gentle and kind with Hop and Marnie (which, by the way, they’d literally die for either of them) and they’re overall a good friend/partner. Their main flaw here is their temperament and somewhat possessive nature.

- If anybody did something to even moderately hurt any of their friends... hoo boy, you do NOT want to do that. They’ve nearly killed people for leaving so much as a scratch on their loved ones, and have to be physically dragged away so they won’t really kill somebody.

- However. Despite really, truly believing they'd never, under ANY circumstances, hurt ANY of their friends... they’re wrong about that. The only ones they could truly never purposely cause harm to would be Piers, Marnie and Hop. Yes, it would take A LOT for them to hurt any of the others (like, they’d only hurt the others if they tried to, idk, kill them or something. Or if they tried or actually did kill somebody else in their close circle) but it could hypothetically happen.

- If they ever were to see Rose, he’d probably be torn to shreds on sight. Literally nothing would be able to stop them.

- While it’s near impossible for anybody they don’t care about to calm them down, it’s pretty easy for especially Hop, Marnie, Piers, Raihan, Leon and Milo (and the others, but less so for them lol).

- They were right by a power spot, like they were about to step into a den, when the blast happened so they were. Really fucking affected by it. They stayed in the Wild Area for a while after that, searching for their Arcanine who had “mysteriously vanished”, before they transformed. They were basically a Wild Trainer for at least a month before Piers found them and managed to get them to remember who they actually were over the course of two days. It was,, really concerning when they’d at first been texting him pretty much non-stop to update him on what was going on with them just to then go radio silent for a few days, especially since people had begun transforming at that point. Haha angst go brrr

- You must ignore how their clothes still kind of fit despite them growing to be both more ~muscular~ and tall and how it’s not dirty for the sake of my convenience ok

Ok I think that’s all? woah that was a long post lmao

Anyways, here’s the promised extra art (first one is the same sketch without any shading and that stuff (buT I MISSED ONE, I DIDN’T REMOVE THE SHADING FROM ONE I AM SORRY LOL), second is Robin as just a regular trainer)

Oh also some context for some of the sketches:

Bottom one where they’re screaming “yOU mOthErFuCKeR” is what their reaction would be to one of their loved ones being killed

The one with Milo is Robin just. Being near him. After probably having some sort of panic or anxiety attack because they’re worried about everyone. Because Milo is a really calming person to be around.

Top one in the middle is Robin just patting the red eye-lens-things Raihan got from his Flygon because they find it to be Very Entertaining to just pat them for no reason at all.

The ones where they’re hugging Marnie would take place right after they come back to Spikemouth after their month(s) as a Wild Trainer. They still weren’t used to being around people (and much less BEHAVING like a PERSON) so they were pretty awkward about Marnie hugging them.

The one where they’re surrounded by darkness to the right and kneeling forward is them in the middle of their “transformation” after the blast happened.

Fiery ones at the top right are just Robin being pissed as fuck lol

(Still haven’t decided if this will be the “official” team of Pokemon I have, but it’s cool for now. Also yes, I added an extra Pokemon to my “team” who isn't actually a battle-Pokémon or whatever. I NEED APPLETUNS EMOTIONAL SUPPORT OKAY)

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ourloveisforthelovely · 3 years

Text

Loss (one shot)

Harry Potter Marauders Era-Post Hogwarts

Request: Will your write something angsty after Regulus dies?

Summary: Death is never easy...especially when it's the person that you love.

Pairings: Regulus Black x Reader

Rating: M- mature themes and character death. Angst. Soul crushing angst.

______

“Regulus is dead. I’m sorry to tell you this way.”

Walburga’s emotionless comment swirled through your mind as you lay in a crumpled heap. You had woken up from your drunken stupor. Looking around, you sighed finding yourself on the bathroom floor. It had been 3 awful months and it was as painful as the moment that you found out your lover was gone.

Gone…

The word itself made your body wretch. You barely made it to the toilet before throwing up what was left in your stomach. Between vomiting and sobbing, it was a miracle that your head hadn’t exploded. You wouldn’t have objected too much to death yourself.

Since Regulus died, under strange circumstances, you didn’t want to live. Life itself no longer had a meaning. You didn’t want to live without him. Being married for less than a month and already a widow was something that you never planned for!

“Y/n?”

You groaned hearing Lily’s voice. Groaning, you didn’t want to deal with your sister-in-law at the moment. You wanted James, Lily, Remus, Peter and Sirius to leave you alone. They were always in your business lately trying in some way to “cheer” you up. You rolled your eyes at the thought. There was no cheering you up. You only wanted to be left alone.

“I’m fine.”

You snapped. Lily took a breath.

“Honey, you sound dreadful. Why don’t you come out and let me make you some chicken soup? It will feel nice on your tummy.”

The mere thought of food made you want to vomit again. Even the promise of Lily’s amazing soup didn’t interest you. Food tasted like ash in your mouth. Nothing tasted good nor did it provide you anything that you needed. The only thing that you wanted was the bottle of fire whiskey that you had to hide in your room.

“I’m not hungry.”

You replied. Lily, on the other side of the door, felt her own heartbreak a little more. Since Regulus’ death, you had changed from a happy bubbly girl to a shadow of what you used to be. She understood though. 3 months ago, you were eagerly planning your wedding. Now you were drunk 95% of the time and in a deep state of depression that no one could fix.

Lily had been the designated one to “comfort” you. James, bless him for trying, made the mistake of saying “not eating will not bring Regulus back.” From that day forward, James was no longer allowed to attempt in comforting you.

“Sweetheart, you haven’t eaten in two days. This isn’t healthy.”

Lily replied, There was silence on the other side of the bathroom door for a few moments.

“Lily, please. Just leave me alone.”

You waited until Lily walked away before falling back to the cold bathroom floor. Closing your eyes, all you wanted was to fall into a deep dreamless sleep…

Lily, meanwhile, stepped back into the kitchen where Sirius, James, Remus, and Walburga sat. The older woman immediately looked up.

“Well?”

Lily sighed.

“She won’t come out.”

Walburga groaned and leaned back into her chair.

“We have to do something about her. The girl has taken up residence in the bathroom and won’t leave. I’m worried about her.”

Lily nodded. She focused her attention on Mrs. Black. Had someone told her a few months ago that she would be sitting in the Black family home, Lily would have called them mad. Walburga Black hated everyone.

When Regulus died, and you went to shit, Walburga broke down and called her eldest son for help. Had it been anyone but you, Sirius would have told his mother to figure it out on her own. You were different. You were as close to a sister as Sirius would ever get and he wouldn’t let you go through this alone.

James stood up.

“We need to do something. I don’t know what though. She won’t talk to us. When she does...it's just staring and us doing the talking. I love my sister but this isn’t healthy. Regulus wouldn’t want her being like...this.”

Walburga frowned up at him.

“Of course, he wouldn’t but you don’t need to be telling her that...especially the way you did. Potter, you can be such an idiot.”

James held his hands up.

“Hey, lady, you called us for help! I love my sister but we can’t go on like this forever. If we don’t do something about her, she may die...I can’t handle that thought.”

Sirius' hand stood up and pulled James into an awkward hug.

“We’ll figure it out, mate. Nothing is going to happen to Y/n.”

You had pulled yourself out of the bathroom and overheard the conversation. Quietly, you turned and walked back to what was Regulus’ room. Laying down in the bed, you sighed as the tears came over you again. His scent was fading from the soft sheets and it was crushing you. The little “reminders” of your lover were slowly fading.

“Mistress?”

You quickly sat up as Kreacher popped into the room. Kreacher was the one being that you would let within five feet of you.

“Hello, Kreacher.”

You said, wiping a tear away from your cheek as Kreacher held out a tissue.

“Poor mistress. It makes Kreacher sad to see you upset. Master Regulus wouldn’t…”

“I know. He wouldn’t want me like this.”

You finished the elf’s sentence. Kreacher nodded. He knew that with you, he had the freedom to speak as he wished. You wouldn’t punish him, Like Regulus, you were kind to him and Kreacher didn’t forget it.

“Kreacher didn’t mean to upset you.”

He replied. You shook your head. Of course, Regulus wouldn’t want you like this. He would probably be beyond upset if he knew how you were behaving. You weren’t some “Mary Sue” who went to shit when something happened to someone they loved. Y/n Potter was the strong one...or so everyone thought. When the soul-sucking depression kicked in, no one knew how to deal with you.

“You didn’t upset me. I know Regulus wouldn’t want me like this. I don’t want to be like this but I will never be happy again. Kreacher, I have a question.”

Kreacher nodded.

“Yes, mistress?”

You swallowed. This was a cruel question to ask the elf. He was suffering from the loss of Regulus as much as you were.

“Did Regulus know that he was going to die that night?”

Kreacher’s eyes widened. He had been keeping his promise to Regulus and now he would break it.

“Kreacher, if something happens to me...do not tell Y/n the truth. Don’t let her know anything because she will come after me. I do not want her harmed.”

“Mistress, Kreacher can’t answer that. Master Regulus...he made me promise.”

You bit your lip. The night Regulus died, there was something different in his eyes when he kissed you goodbye. At that time, you couldn’t put your mind to it. You assumed that he was moody over a task that the dark lord had given him. Working as a double agent was beginning to wear on him more than Regulus would admit. You could see it every time, he started brooding on a subject.

Thinking back on that night, you weren't sure how you missed it. Regulus held onto you for a long time before leaving. The last kiss was different. Now, looking back, you realized how “final” it felt.

“Everything will be fine. I’ll be back with you as soon as I can. I promise. If anything happens while I’m away...just run...get as far away from London as possible...don’t look back.”

You could still hear Regulus’ voice as he held your face close to his. Shaking the thoughts from your head, you turned back to Kreacher. The poor elf was beyond troubled by your order.

“Kreacher, I order you to tell me.”

“Master Regulus had a feeling. He ordered Kreacher to not tell you. He didn’t want you to…”

You jumped out of bed and started looking for your coat.

“Take me to where it happened, Kreacher.”

Kreacher’s mouth dropped as he quickly ran to you and wrapped his scaly little arms around your leg.

“Mistress, please don’t make Kreacher do this. You’ll be killed too. Kreacher and Mistress Walburga do not want to lose you too. Master Regulus wouldn’t want you to be harmed.”

You quickly tugged on your coat and attempted to fix your bed ravaged curls. The smart side of your brain said to stop. This was madness. If you went after Regulus, you would probably die too. The depressed side however said, oh well. You would get your wish. You could be with Regulus again.

Maybe it was a selfish thing to do...to go like this. It would hurt those you loved more than you would possibly realize. In your current state, however, you didn’t see it that way. You wanted the truth that no one would give you. If you died getting that truth...oh well. Your friends would be okay without you. They were strong.

“Take me to him, Kreacher.”

Kreacher started sobbing hysterically at this command.

“Please don’t make Kreacher do it. Kreacher already watched Master Regulus die…”

“Now, Kreacher.”

You said, emotionlessly. Kreacher looked up and hesitantly took your hand.

The next thing that you knew, you stood in a dark cave with nothing around you but water. Kreacher was holding your hand like a toddler would a parent that they didn’t want to let out of their sight.

“What is this place?”

You questioned. Kreacher looked up.

“The dark lord...Master Regulus found out one of his secrets. It was a locket...a locket that could change everything. Master Regulus made Kreacher take him back here after the dark lord made Kreacher drink a nasty potion. Mistress, Master died a hero...can’t that be enough?”

You shook your head.

“What actually happened here?”

Kreacher sighed. He knew that he was not getting through to you. There was a vacant empty expression in your normally kind eyes.

“Master Regulus had to drink a potion to switch the locket. The potion...it's horrible. Kreacher offered to drink it again but Master Regulus said no and drank it himself. He gave Kreacher the locket and ordered Kreacher to destroy it but that hasn’t happened.”

You took in the elf’s words with a frown.

“What happened to Regulus?”

Kreacher’s bloodshot eyes went to the lake where Regulus was dragged in.

“Master Regulus was drowned by the inferi. He went under the water and Kreacher was only able to watch. Mistress, we must go...it isn’t safe here.”

You patted Kreacher’s head ignoring the elf’s pleas before slowly walking down to the waterline.

“Don’t interfere.”

You ordered. Kreacher meanwhile, was jumping up and down in a panicked state as you looked down into the water. Your heart froze the moment that you saw Regulus lying right below the surface of the water. It took all that you had not to jump in after him.

“Reggie…”

You whispered his name, half expecting his grey eyes to open but they didn’t. Looking down at him, you were relieved that he didn’t look “dead.” He simply looked as if he had been asleep. His dark curls floated around his head just dying for you to reach out for him. Your eyes fluttered down to his full lips as your mouth suddenly ached for his kiss again. It would be so easy. Just one last touch...

“Mistress, please don’t. Master Regulus isn’t alive anymore...he’s…”

“Gone.”

You finished Kreacher’s sentence before slowly dipping your hand into the water. The moment that your fingers grazed over his left hand, Regulus’ eyes snapped open. His dreamy gaze had been replaced with that of a monster. Milk white orbs glared up at you as his right hand reached over and effortlessly tugged you into the water.

As you suddenly decided to fight back, you couldn’t breakaway. Regulus’ arms were around your waist tugging you deeper and deeper into the lake. Your lungs ached for air.

“Well, isn’t this nice? So this is death...this is what I wanted…”

Regulus’ arms tightened, if possible, around your waist. As everything began to become hazy, you reached out touching his cheek.

“Till death do us part…”

You thought before everything went black….

“Y/n?”

You heard your name being called...the voice...that voice.

“Wake up, Y/n.”

You felt your eyes move before slowly opening. Regulus sat in front of you with a worried frown on his face.

“Regulus!”

You were up and in his arms, knocking Regulus backward. His arms were around you as he broke into a smile.

“Hi, my love.”

Reaching out, you cupped his face. The dream was warm...warm and real.

“Am I dead? This is heaven?”

Regulus gently sat both of you upward. His smile fell and for a moment you worried that he was angry. He ran his hand down the length of your face. Regulus knew exactly what happened. He had seen all of it. What you didn’t realize was he was watching the whole time shrieking and begging you to listen to Kreacher. The moment you hit the water, he knew begging was doing him no favors. Regulus could only watch as you met the same grizzly fate as him.

Soon...

“Yes. I’ve been waiting for you...I kind of expected it to not be so soon.”

You couldn’t meet his gaze.

“I didn’t want to be without you.”

Regulus snuggled his forehead against yours. Your eyes shined up at him as you breathed his scent in. For the first time, you felt at peace.

“Now we don’t have to be away from each other...ever again.”

(Epilogue...years later…)

Harry stood in front of Horace Slughorn’s “shelf” looking at all of the photos of his favorite students. His eyes stopped on a familiar face. Harry had seen your photo numerous times of the years especially since Sirius had come into his life. Slughorn walked over and smiled instantly looking at the photo.

“Ah yes, you aunt Y/n. She was such a lovely girl. This photo was taken at her wedding to your uncle Regulus Black. There had never been a more beautiful bride. It's a shame things went the way that they did for Regulus and Y/n. Fate can be cruel and confusing. I know Y/n would have never been happy without Regulus. People said she was weak because she didn’t make it without him. I don’t think that she was though. Love is a wonderful thing but it can also be brutal.”

Harry could only nod and hope that you had gotten the peace that you were looking for. Maybe just maybe, he had his parents and his aunt looking down upon him proud with what they saw…

______

@amelie-black

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@authoressskr

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@summer-novak

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@wontlookaway

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@shitfaceddaniel

#Regulus Black #Regulus Black x Reader #Sirius Black #Remus Lupin #James Potter #Lily Evans Potter #Walburga Black #Kreacher #timothee chalamet as regulus black #ben barnes as sirius black #andrew garfield as remus lupin #angst story #request fic #regulus arcturus black #sirius orion black #potter sister reader #the ancient and noble house of black #Loss #Loss one shot

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rinisbowen · 2 years

Note

Hey, first just wanted to say that I love your blog and your analysis of the show so much! ❤

I was wondering if you had an opinion about Ricky's feelings towards Gina: do you think he knew what she meant in the flashback scene or do you think it all went over his head?

I think alot of people want Ricky to remain oblivious ,so that it can't be said that he deliberately hurt Gina, but I think it would make a much more nuanced and interesting plot if he understood how she felt the whole time, but had no idea how to handle these feelings (especially if he correctly assumed that she never would have confessed to him if she thought she might ever see him again.)

I think alot of his behaviour towards her in season 2 could be read as him trying wayy too hard to imitate the dynamic they had in season 1 to avoid having to talk about the new developments in their relationship (e.g. with all the awkward banter in season 2 episode 3.)

Only thing is I have no way to fit the "if we were dating" comment into this narrative. If he had any inkling of how she felt then that comment was way out of line and would make me dislike Ricky, but based on the rest of the season as a whole I can't think of any explanation for the way he acted towards her other than that he was aware of how she felt.

Hope this ask makes sense, feel like it got a bit rambly! 😊

hi oh my gosh anon you are genuinely the sweetest. thank you for your kind words, and the ask itself. i feel like i'm in an odd place with my thoughts bc things are quite polarized in this fandom and i- sorta try not to be? but i'm thankful you appreciate my thoughts and such :)

(also yes you absolutely made sense, luckily my brain works in a very rambly way- so i think i do get what you mean haha. y'all should see the state of these answers before i cut them down.)

if you're asking just whether i have an opinion as to whether ricky took gina's confession for what it was- i'm really not sure what i think here.

i 100% understand why ricky not understanding what gina meant by "i wouldn't quit on us" is very appealing to rina shippers especially, along with people who just tend to see the good in ricky as a character. people probably ought to start giving all of these kids the benefit of the doubt a little bit more haha, but that's just me.

i don’t know if it all necessarily went over his head, but i think it’s not a bad guess considering his history of being more than a bit oblivious to things in a more general sense.

i think your idea is really quite interesting, because it doesn’t seem out of line 100% with anything that happened. him trying to protect her from the fallout of something she probably wasn’t planning to do under the circumstances. him internally deciding it was better to just pretend it never happened because he figured that was better for gina.

and besides, he loves nini, he just got back together with her, so it’s no big deal for him, no sweat off his back.

i think regardless of whether he understood her confession he didn’t mean to deliberately hurt her, and i don’t think that should be as much of a hot take as it maybe is.

i think in this context you suggest, ricky’s maybe confused about how he’s supposed to behave with her, like you say about ‘awkward’, because it’s on some levels true that their “friendship” in season 1 was tinged with something beyond that, and how do you not send your friend the wrong message when you very much have a girlfriend but also your friend apparently likes you. but i do think the same behavior can be explained under the “he didn’t get it” circumstance, i’ll just save that for now to avoid this getting too long.

i know the “if we were dating” is what gets him the most negative energy. i get why, it’s a downright stupid way to phrase it to a girl who likes him. particularly if he’s aware she likes him.

but does it have to make you (or anyone) dislike him?

i really don’t think it was that serious for him that it’s worth hating him for. to gina? yes, it’s what allows her the opportunity to set a boundary with him for the first time. that’s a big deal for her character arc! this sorta comes back to a point i make at the end of this post about the rina thing in season 2 not being about ricky. it doesn’t actually matter what he means or what he feels.

but in a broader context, it’s a mere slip of the tongue. ricky’s just trying to ask her advice on something he’s puzzling over, and he’s using an example. like- he’s not trying to imply a single thing by his words there, as is clear by his little “obviously”. it’s obvious that ricky here is just thinking out loud, he’s just like so put yourself in nini’s shoes. “if we were dating”. for all he knows she’s totally fine giving him advice on nini. she did so freely twice now, without his asking. i get that it’s the wording the fandom gets most angry about, and not the asking as much, though that too a good bit, but- the wording is just that... wording.

it’s careless not malicious. and yes, that matters if you’re looking at it from a should we hate ricky perspective. the answer to that is firmly no. you’re supposed to be proud of gina for shutting him down, because that’s the right step in her journey, but at the end of the day he’s a dumb teenage boy who has no idea he’s hurting her with his words. (which is true regardless of whether he understood her confession. the way tim’s talked about this has been to say he’s like this oblivious teenage boy who just doesn’t get what he’s doing to you.)

we see everything about this framed from the perspective of gina liking him, but whether he knew she did (and that’s for all he knows she doesn’t anymore since he’s with nini), it doesn’t make him a bad person for asking advice in a way that unintentionally hurts her. we can’t all sit here and pretend to personally have never accidentally phrased something in a bad way and hurt someone’s feelings.

i also admittedly don't think it matters a ton whether or not he understood, because the point of the whole thing was solely about gina and not about him. most of the "rin.a arc" in season 2, if not all of it, was entirely about gina. i could get into this perspective another time if anyone wanted me to elaborate, but yeah. just food for thought. what mattered was that to gina, that was a confession, and that he then continued on to act normally.

i tend to think of random things like this while i'm going along trying to answer this stuff, stream of consciousness and all that haha.

#hsmtmts #hsmtmts: analysis #hsmtmts: gina porter #hsmtmts: ricky bowen #answered #anonymous #in defense of ricky bowen #//this became a bit rambly but when don't i to be fair #//but yeah i think people miss a lot of nuance about ricky's character sometimes particularly through the ship war goggles #//like yeah it was a dumb thing to say that doesn't mean we have to crucify him for it #//all the characters have their moments and everyone loves them and yet ricky as a protagonist gets all this flack for messing up sometimes

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andersunmenschlich · 3 years

Text

"Was I Abused" game

Copied and pasted from this post by @furiousgoldfish (to save space since you can't reformat anything in posts you reblog).

Is it accurate? Who knows! My memories of childhood are incomplete! Besides, a lot of these things seem frankly normal to me and not abusive at all... which, if they are abusive, is probably an especially bad sign. Hm. Anyway, on to the game!

Reblog and bold the things your parents have done to you! Italicize if you're not sure. (copy paste it all and then bold)

Physical abuse

parent slapped me to prove their point / teach me a lesson (I don't remember. It would have been loss of temper anyhow, not point-proving or lesson-teaching.)

parent spanked me as a “punishment” saying it was for my own good (Hey, I was raised full-on Michael Pearl TTUAC-style. This is foundational.)

parent pulled on my hair to force me to move

parent threw things at me while angry, things heavy enough to hurt me (Kind of? She and my sister were on my bed, top bunk. I was cowering on the floor. But I dunno if she was angry.)

parent trapped me in a room/corner so I couldn’t escape them (I don't remember. But I do know, in my very bones, that there was no escape from them. You couldn't run. You couldn't hide. And trying would only make things worse.)

parent hit me when I wouldn’t obey them / tried to confront them (To Train Up A Child, people.)

parent used a twig / stick / belt to lash at my body (Again—this is the Pearl technique. My parents broke a lot of wooden paint mixing sticks on me before discovering this whippy plastic rod about the thickness of a pencil! You could sharpen the end in a pencil sharpener, too. They had a ton of those, it seemed like. And a short one for trips outside the house; it fit in Mom's purse.)

parent grabbed me to force me to pay attention to them

parent pinned me down and physically prevented me from escaping (...Yeah. Again, this is the Pearl technique.)

parent brought me into situations where I feared for my life (I—look, it's not like the fears were rational or anything. It's just that the world is terrifying when you're autistic and so much hurts. And have been taught your whole life that "the world" is a terrible, dangerous place that can kill you both physically and spiritually. Yeah.)

parent made it painfully obvious for me that I’ll obey them or suffer injuries (I mean. TTUAC.)

parent threatened to beat me if I wouldn’t do as they say (This was the most basic part of my childhood. Like air. Under what circumstances would this not be the case? Unimaginable.)

parent forcefully fed me something I refused to eat (Does not letting you eat between meals, and putting the same food in front of you at each meal—over and over again until you either eat it or it grows mold—count?)

parent made an attempt at strangling / drowning / burning me

parent banged my head / body into the wall / furniture (To be fair, I hit him first. And it's not like I broke the table when his punch sent me across the room: I didn't hit it that hard. Just busted open the back of my head a bit.)

parent forced me into sexual activities

Emotional abuse

parent called me derogatory names and slurs more than once (Frankly, I'm still reasonably convinced that I am a monster. And evil. And I am definitely a fool, at least biblically speaking. "The fool says in his heart, 'There is no god,'" indeed.)

parent said my name mostly with hatred and scorn in their voice (To be fair, it was my name.)

parent degraded and humiliated me in front of others for fun

parent insulted and devalued something really important to me (I mean, in retrospect, it was dumb. Just a worthless paper model of a house, that's all. It wasn't even that great. I was a little kid, after all. So what if I'd spent all day on it? It was still garbage, really.)

parent deprived me of something that meant the world to me (I don't remember. I genuinely don't remember, but I still have trouble admitting that I care about anything because part of me is terrified that if anyone knows I like a thing they'll have a way to hurt me, and that fear has to have come from somewhere, right?)

parent yelled and swore at me in anger more than once

parent blamed me for things that were out of my control/not my fault (And they do feel bad about this now.)

parent shamed me for my physical appearance

parent guilt-tripped me for not pleasing them well enough (I mean, they tried. But good luck; I have no idea what guilt feels like. I bought a book about it because I was curious.)

parent regarded me as a burden, and shamed me for needing them at all (Hmm. I don't really do shame either. I was a burden, though.)

parent insisted I couldn’t take a joke after I was hurt by their insults

parent never comforted me / got angry if I reached for comfort (Again, to be fair: I'm autistic. I'm pretty sure they were just having trouble with my body language and facial expressions. Why else would they punish me for bad attitude when all I wanted was to be cooed at and fluttered over with the same concern they showed my siblings when they cried about their wounded knees?)

parent punished me for crying / showing fear / showing trauma symptoms

parent humiliated me for showing excitement and happiness

parent subtly let me know that my feelings and my problems don’t matter (They, uh. They don't. My feelings and problems are mine. Why should anyone else care? It's genuinely not their problem.)

parent got angry at me for feeling depressed / angry / tired / suicidal

parent blamed me for feeling depressed / angry / tired / suicidal (Who else's fault would it be? They're my feelings, produced by my body and brain, experienced only by me, in my own head. Dang if I see how anybody else could be to blame.)

parent compared me to cousins / other children to prove how I’m the worst (Dang you, Perfect Second Child. ... Although... in retrospect... that set-up wasn't great for you either, was it. Hm.)

parent decided for me how I feel when it was convenient for them

parent told me that I was crazy / delusional / need to be locked away (I don't remember. It sounds familiar. But I don't. I don't remember.)

parent threatened me with kicking me out / sending me away if I don’t change (Kind of? Does it count if you overhear your parents talking about it in their locked bedroom? Not their fault I was listening at the door, surely. They were genuinely considering it. I can't blame them. I was a terrible child.)

parent refused to accept my sexuality gender / tried to force it to change

parent required me to act normal to protect family’s reputation

parent isolated me from family activities they all enjoy (Nooo, haha, I did that all on my own.)

parent assured me that nobody will ever want me (I mean... "only a mother could love" is a saying for a reason. And if even my own mother couldn't love me, well! I don't remember whether anyone told me this outright. It just seemed... obvious.)

parent insisted that I was lucky and that I could have had it much worse (I could have!)

parent made me responsible for their well-being and made me the caretaker

parent insisted that their harmful acts were all done “out of love” (The subject of love was confusing. "I don't love you," "I hate you," "I have to love you because you're my child, so I love you—but I don't have to like you, and I don't, I don't like you at all" ...it was all very confusing.)

parent demanded I be available for their requests at any time (Well, yes, obviously. To Train Up A Child was very clear about this.)

parent punished me for trying to establish boundaries (Boundaries, boundaries. Hmm. Interesting concept....)

parent destroyed my belongings as a form of revenge (Revenge? I don't know. Consequences, I think it was. For keeping all my favorite toys on my bed, and nesting in them. So obviously they had to be thrown onto the floor. And at my head. Ahaha.)

parent made inappropriate sex jokes and comments in my presence

parent denied doing any of this and insists that all the blame is on me (I'm not sure they aren't right, honestly. As previously noted, I am a horrible person, and I was even more horrible as a child.)

Psychological Abuse

parent kept pointing out my flaws as proofs that I won't achieve anything (Mmm... was it them, or was it me doing this? Seems like they were always telling me how intelligent I was, how talented, how much promise I had. The voices asking why wasn't I doing anything, why couldn't I use the gifts God had given me correctly, why was I wasting it all, I'm the stupidest smart person ever, garbage, can't do anything right, etc., seem to have always come from my own mind.)

parent called me stupid, incompetent, ignorant, while withholding information that I needed to know in order to complete tasks

parent would change their side of the agreement at a crucial moment and then pretend it was obvious from the start

parent stalked me / distrusted me without any reason / invaded my privacy (I'm really not sure. What privacy? A four-bedroom house with twelve people in it has very little room for privacy. And if you have nothing to hide....)

parent attacked my insecurities and vulnerabilities in any argument (Dad's always been very good at this. It's his emotional intelligence, I think. Never been much of a cryer, but he can do it to me every time!)

parent forced me into degrading actions while they watched

parent threatened to leave me

parent regularly accused me of behaving the way they did

parent never acknowledged, praised or approved of my actions

parent always demanded they be acknowledged as right without any proof / explanation (Sort of? They had explanations. It's just that those explanations were often terrible. Not that my parents were aware of that.)

parent insisted that they’re a great parent using financial support as proof

parent insisted that I should be grateful for how good they are to me (Keeping me safe from the world! The evil, dirty, disgusting world, full of immoral monsters! Oh, the horrible things that could happen to me without their protection! ...Which is not entirely untrue, I guess. But... I dunno....)

parent gaslit me and tried to make me believe my memories weren’t real if I confronted them with what they did

Neglect

parent didn’t notice I haven’t been eating properly (Frankly, I preferred that. I never much cared for being forced to eat things that made me feel sick.)

parent didn’t notice I was sick / didn’t care for me while I was sick

parent didn’t notice I was injured (Eh. After the first few years of my life, that suited me just fine.)

parent didn’t notice I didn’t have clothes / shoes I needed for school (I didn't go to school.)

parent didn’t notice I suffered from trauma (Look, it's—it's the autism again, okay? Living in a world that hurts you horribly at unpredictable moments is traumatic. I didn't know it was trauma. I just thought it was life. So how could they have known?)

parent didn’t notice I was anxious and stressed (Oh, they noticed that.)

parent didn’t notice I was depressed (Once again—I didn't realize. So how could they? I'm really not sure this counts.)

parent didn’t notice I was cutting myself (Whipping myself, actually. With tree branches. Until the skin broke. Hmm, that was when I was in my early teens, though—as a kid I used to turn a little wooden rocking chair upside down and throw myself into the sharp ends of the rockers. To be fair, they might have noticed. Just... who really cares? I was a rough and tumble kid. Scrapes and bruises and cuts and what-have-you were to be expected. Anyway, there was no cutting; I never cut myself.)

parent didn’t notice I was suicidal (I wasn't. I'm not. I won't be. Mind over matter. Ha.)

parent didn’t notice I was being sexually abused

parent didn’t notice I was being bullied

parent failed to get me medical attention when it was needed

parent failed to teach me the very basics of self care

parent didn’t seem to notice any of my needs and feelings except the absolute minimum I required to survive (Uh. Anything more than the absolute minimum you require to survive isn't a need. You need to survive. Do you really need anything else? I mean, it's nice, a definite plus, but....)

when I notified them of these things, they denied it, accused me of lying, decided it wasn’t happening and/or blamed me for it

Financial Abuse

parent made me feel ashamed for needing money

parent made me feel like I was a financial burden to them (But I was. Come on, now. There's no way honesty counts as abuse. ...Is there?)

parent only gave me minimal money to survive (I don't—there were kids out there getting money from their parents? I mean, they're giving you clothes, food, and shelter already. What for would you need money? I must be missing something.)

parent made sure I never have a decent amount of money on me (Again—I never had that much money. Quarters from the Tooth Fairy: that was it. Money from birthday cards or whatever went in the college fund under their bed. "For your future." And I raided that stash later to buy books anyhow.)

parent took the money I earned from me

parent used the money to blackmail me (if you continue this way let’s see who will pay for your bus ticket!)

parent insisted since they “pay for my stuff” they have the right to control my behaviour and actions (and attitudes. Is this, um. Is this not true?)

parent had enough money for luxury but kept me without anything

parent refused to get my medicine / get me medical attention because it’s too expensive while they got everything for themselves (Nah, they didn't visit the doctor either.)

parent would keep me anxious over if they would pay my expenses or not

parent would make me do as much work for them as possible before they would pay for a necessity

parent kept me in the dark over family finances even when I was of age (Was that them, though? Or was that me? It's difficult to know what's going on with your money when you can't go outside during the day—so no bank visits—and you don't have the password to your bank account because you never asked for it, so you can't do anything online. Which was just as well, because my laptop was... not great. Almost certainly terribly insecure.)

parent would make sure I never have enough money to escape them

If you bold more than 5 things, you have been through abuse. For some particular ones, even one true thing on this list means you’ve been badly harmed by your parents. Also this list is not complete, there are many more abusive behaviours not listed here, feel free to add!

#furiousgoldfish #'Was I Abused' game #child abuse #?#memories #Isaiah muses

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mage-and-the-tantrums · 3 years

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Excerpts from a book I will probably *try* to write

333 Days home.

333 days ago exactly. August the 5th, 2020, I took my final return flight, from Istanbul to Tunisia, after 5 years of expatriation. After graduating quietly, on my bed while wearing shorts, I found no reasons to stay in Turkey, and no reasons to not come back home, in a world torched by a global pandemic.

Upon returning home, and within a month, I discovered how badly my family failed and grew apart. I never thought it could happen to us. My sister helped wake me from my stun. "They just behave for a couple of months, when you were here for vacations, and also whenever we called you on messenger. It's broken", she said, with an acceptance that should be forbidden to her age.

I was led, mystically, to discover some dark secrets. I refuse to talk or write about them here. Only one person besides me knows the whole truth.

The bitch and a half about knowing something that you cannot divulge to anyone, and I mean absolutely not a living soul, is that it detaches you from the world. It leaves you questioning your two best friends with whom you thought you would discuss anything. You charge and trial "in absentia" them, and you find them guilty without them actually doing anything. It has been an education, to discover what loneliness truly meant. I felt corrected, back to school, as harshly as possible, just because I thought I was alone when in Istanbul. Life showed me, in the span of 30 days, how much I could be alone, while within my family, my friends, and the country that I love and missed beyond words.

I would sit next to my friends, in the backseat of a car, listening to autotuned american rap (which I disdain), while they converse about girls, cars, and the eventuality of marriage with the inexplicable costs that it imposes in our country, and how one should escape this sorry corner of the world to Europe. I would hear scribbles and syllables, as if I shrank and sank 6 feet deeper into myself. The only thought swimming in the pool of my brain is "how little do they know about the dilemma tearing me apart. They are here, they have known me for years, they are practically the family I chose for myself. And yet, and yet, we're oceans apart. Nothing would be the same ever again. How many secrets could a person hold while sitting next to you ? We're all strangers to one another.

I truly discovered how loneliness could snatch someone from their settings, to dictate its own terms and draw an existence, in pale shades of grey for that someone to dwell in. At some point, I realised that, no matter how shockingly and frighteningly true my thoughts were, there were equally dangerous and self-destructive. Looking into what felt like a void is fun and instructive and intellectually probably sexy, until it begins leaking into your life, which it does pretty often. I was as alone as I permitted myself to be. I figured that I needed to create a breathing gap between me and some shit in my life, that, in the end, is none of my business. Some persons decided and acted, while apparently thinking so little to none about the consequences. It is not, nor it will ever be, under any pretext, my problem. I kept repeating it, slowly, breathing it into my lungs, and holding to that breath, in the corner of my room, during some long ass nights, and I realised that I really needed to believe that. I needed to find a formula to market that idea to my brain which kept feeding on the void. Truth can be a very subjective and useless concept. So I turned to another, more pragmatic concept; priorities. I asked the primordial, narcissistic question: "What about me ?". No one was asking that question, so I did.

From there, I cruised my way to restore some inner peace after a chaos that was served to me, and before I could speak, crammed down my throat. If I could reduce it down to a words, it would be this: "Everyone thought of themselves. Nobody thought about me, so why the fuck should I lose sleep over it ? I'll think of myself as well, because if I don't, no one will".

Friendships are another big, juicy topic. Tough love all the way, and if you don't like it, then you're overly sensitive. Tough love wrapped by layers and layers of selfishness and a critical lack of any notion of emotional intelligence. But at the end of the day, I think that I am privileged to have a circle of people with whom I can ride and spend time. It could have been a lot worse.

The food is awesome. I genuinely think that Tunisian cuisine is criminally underrated. It never got properly marketed on a global level (nor it ever will). It is very hard to not gain weight here, and I am regularly (although with a shy frequency) I go out to run.

Financially, I am leeching off my Mom, since I am still working on establishing an eCommerce platform with a friend. She gladly helps, and I feel so grateful for her support. She has been my guardian in these difficult times.

Do I think about expatriation again ? I honestly do not know. Tunisia has been sinking for quite some time, and everyone is looking for a way out. I am convinced that we should stay here and fight. No matter how little the effort, we should grab the situation by the reigns and ride our way, no matter where. But I understand those who believe in the "personal salvation". Everyone should aspire for a financial and a moral dignified life, which is becoming harder by the day here. The social tissue is more like a bikini now, with the bra being the wealthy who got wealthier (upper), and all of the rest including the middle class who are sinking deeper into the pit of bank credits. Want to get married ? that would be this huge amount that would never be able to pay for with 2 salaries and a 10 years saving account. Want to purchase a house ? how cute. Mathematically and financially impossible, even with the most elaborate and strict saving measures. But hey, all is possible with a huge, fat, juicy credit bank that would suck nearly half of your salary (if not exactly half) for 1 to 2 decades.

Being back home is re-calibrating your tongue, your digestive system and your daily habits. It is a constant rewiring, and an eternal effort to make things better, because we know better now. Being back home is struggling to find your place again, because everyone is so used to your absence they often need to be reminded you're here now. Being back home is the choice to actually stress-test your relationships, and see if people would bother to grant you once again, access to their lives. Being back home is the shocking resolution that most won't bother to call, and that most relationships are as random as the circumstances. In a parallel reality, you wouldn't even be friends. Being back home is very far from being the solution to anything. But being back home feels like recharging. It feels once again that I am alive.

#excerpt from a book i will probably write #writers thoughts #thoughts of a writer #writers on tumblr #writeblr #poets and writers #home #thoughts of a mage #mage #spilled thoughts #spilled inks #spilled words

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eaglehealthworks · 3 years

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Lots of words, lots of meanings Pt. I

This entry is intended to bring a little educational understanding to those who are unsure of what all the different terms mean in the world of people with drug/alcohol/behavioral issues. For the sake of discussing the individual, he/she/they are known as such and will be in active use, active recovery, or active wellness (complete remission, perhaps). There are those that will state that one cannot be cured and there is only a state of recovery because the individual is never not addicted to whatever caused problems. I contend that an individual can achieve active wellness which would include complete abstinence and a life without psychoactive substances and/or other excessive repetitive patterns know as behavioral addictions (e.g., gambling, sex, shopping &c.) in healthy, sustainable, and satisfying ways.

Yes, if someone who has been in the throes of chemical dependency or behavioral disorder return to the substance and/or behavior, the cycle begins where it left off for many biological reasons. The point is it is absolutely possible and very much achievable to never return to that way of existing. If you follow medical orders after realizing a high blood pressure diagnosis, the problem becomes completely manageable. If you get your blood pressure down then revert back to a lifestyle which caused it to increase then guess what, it will return with a vengeance. Same exact thing.

I’ll step off of my “You can live well” pulpit and get into the terminology because the layers to wellness are many, deep, and worthy of their very own post(s) .

What is drug addiction, and should we use the term or its derivatives?

According to the National Institute of Drug Abuse (NIDA, 2019), it is “a chronic disease characterized by compulsive, or uncontrollable, drug seeking and use despite harmful consequences and changes in the brain, which can be long-lasting”. Note how it is considered a medical disease by the established medical community. This gets some people in a tizzy and those are often heard exclaiming, “You did this to yourself!, It’s not a disease!, Cancer is a disease!”, &c. The number one cause of death in these United States is heart disease caused largely by; you guessed it, the sufferer (Weatherspoon, 2019). Smoking, diet, overweight, sedentary, all contribute significantly to this problem. Those previously mentioned anger mongers will often retort “Yeah, well it is also genetic!”, and so is chemical dependency (Johns Hopkins, 2021).

Whether or not the term is used or not is always up for debate, and only time will determine its existence. Addiction as a term is fairly straightforward and accurate; however, the term addict is filled with negative connotation, stereotype, and stigma. I can assure you that easily half of everyone I have ever treated looks and behaves just like every other citizen walking around in any neighborhood anywhere. Rich, poor, elderly, young, and all points in between describe people with substance use disorders and behavioral addictions, many of whom you would never guess. I have also known many straight edge folks who the average American might easily mistake for someone who abuses drugs based on appearance alone.

How does someone get diagnosed?

Well, it must be done by a licensed and qualified medical professional who has spent many years in study and has the student debt to prove it. Or you can generally ask someone who is suspected of having a problem with drugs, alcohol, or circumstance and they will know if it can be controlled or if help is needed. This does not take into account those in denial or fear of losing something by the very nature of the question (like safety, shelter, liberty, &c). In the case of the former, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders Fifth Edition (DSM-V) by the American Psychiatric Association (APA) uses the following criteria to determine whether a problem exists and/or the degree of severity if present (APA, 2013):

A. A problematic pattern of [insert substance or circumstance] use leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as manifested by at least two of the following, occurring within a 12-month period:

1. [insert substance or circumstance, e.g., alcohol, opioids, gambling, &c.] are often taken in larger amounts or over a longer period than was intended.

2. There is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control [insert substance or circumstance] use.

3. A great deal of time is spent in activities necessary to obtain the [insert substance or circumstance], use the [insert substance or circumstance], or recover from its effects.

4. Craving, or a strong desire or urge to use [insert substance or circumstance].

5. Recurrent [insert substance or circumstance] use resulting in a failure to fulfill major role obligations at work, school, or home.

6. Continued [insert substance or circumstance] use despite having persistent or recurrent social or interpersonal problems caused or exacerbated by the effects of [insert substance or circumstance].

7. Important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of [insert substance or circumstance] use.

8. Recurrent [insert substance or circumstance] use in situations in which it is physically hazardous.

9. Continued [insert substance or circumstance] use despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problem that is likely to have been caused or exacerbated by the substance.

10. Tolerance, as defined by either of the following:

a. A need for markedly increased amounts of [insert substance or circumstance] to achieve intoxication or desired effect.

b. A markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of an [insert substance or circumstance]. (Note: This criterion is not considered to be met for those taking [insert substance or circumstance] solely under appropriate medical supervision.)

11. Withdrawal, as manifested by either of the following:

a. The characteristic [insert substance or circumstance] withdrawal syndrome (refer to Criteria A and B of the criteria set for [insert substance or circumstance] withdrawal).

b. [insert substance or circumstance] (or a closely related substance) are taken to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms. (Note: This criterion is not considered to be met for those individuals taking [insert substance or circumstance] solely under appropriate medical supervision.)

NONE – Presence of 0-1 symptoms

MILD – Presence of 2-3 symptoms

MODERATE – Presence of 4-5 symptoms

SEVERE – Presence of 6 or more symptoms

Questions? Anyone? Let’s keep moving. Now with this information held firmly in your mind, you still need to be properly credentialed in order to affix a legitimate diagnosis to anyone, so this is for informational purposes only. Here are a few more terms to add to your lexicon though:

1. Drug Intoxication. This is elusive because many people with a substance use disorder(s) have been using for so long that their strange and erratic behavior has become accepted traits. Often the presence of intoxication is a sudden change in demeanor, i.e., one moment a person is restless and anxious, they go to the bathroom and after emerging proceed to pass-out after sitting down anywhere (opioids). Or an individual is nervous and even a little shaky but after a few moments alone returns happy, smooth in gait, and chatty (alcohol). Perhaps a loved one is lethargic and grumpy, but after returning from the bathroom is full of energy and talking a mile a minute (cocaine, methamphetamine). Of course, there are many indicators, but you get the point.

2. Drug Abuse. The continued use of a psychoactive drug or behavioral patterns despite the knowledge that it is causing social, occupational, psychological, or physical problems (APA, 2013). Put simply, doing something to excess where the consequences outweigh the benefits; An ice cream cone is great, a half-gallon makes you vomit (in most cases).

3. Drug Dependence. Maladaptive pattern of use resulting in significant impairment or distress, as shown by compulsive use, increased tolerance, withdrawal, and obsessive thoughts about it (APA, 2013).

You know, the word withdrawal has been presented several times in this post and it deserves its own little section because it is this experience alone that keeps more people in active use than any other single precipitating factor. The human mind is in a constant state of seeking homeostasis or normal acceptable functioning. All people, not just those with drug/alcohol issues seek the avoidance of pain. Ok, somewhere there is a body builder claiming no pain no gain but let that pain be a sciatic or tooth nerve and he/she is reduced to a tower of gelatin seeking immediate relief.

This next sentence is a value statement directly from the horse; withdrawal is an exquisitely harrowing experience engulfing the entirety of the human experience and reducing it to the most detestable overall sensation of prolonged living death. The only relief which is desperately sought and despised simultaneously is more of the substance that caused it. I really don’t know a better way to explain it. I know of septuagenarian Rockwellesque grandmothers who have sold themselves for heroin because their medical provider overprescribed opioids for years and due to pressure from governing authorities cut them off, just to avoid withdrawal. People question this but its sadly true, and not even the worst of the stories.

If you ever want to chat with me about this or anything else related to relief from substance and/or circumstance please contact me here or at the clinic. Feel free to click on any of the links provided for more reading. Thanks for taking the time, enjoy.

- Edesepam

References

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.books.9780890425596

Johns Hopkins. (2021). Substance Abuse / Chemical Dependency. Retrieved from https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/substance-abuse-chemical-dependency on 2021, June 30.

NIDA. (2019, January 17). Treatment Approaches for Drug Addiction DrugFacts. Retrieved from https://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/drugfacts/treatment-approaches-drug-addiction on 2021, June 30

Weatherspoon, D. (2019, March 29). What Are the 12 Leading Causes of Death in the United States? Retrieved from https://www.healthline.com/health/leading-causes-of-death on 2021, June 30.

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artificialqueens · 3 years

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Taste of a Poison Paradise, Chapter 3 (Multi) - Joley

Chapter Summary: Jackie embraces being gay not just in theory, but in practice, Brooke Lynn and Vanessa’s relationship inspires Nicky to take a new step in her relationship with Jan, and there’s a new girl in town who is both icy and spicy.

ao3 link

Jackie closed her eyes as she let her head sink into the pile of pillows on her bed. She exhaled softly as her hand moved down her body and slid into her cotton shorts. Relax. She tried to calm herself down to ease the tenseness in her body. You’ve done this hundreds of times. With nothing short of sheer willpower, she got herself to relax and press two fingers against her clit, rubbing in small circles.

A soft, pleased sigh slipped out, her body giving her the encouragement her mind withheld. She rubbed faster, pressed harder. In the past, she refused to let herself think about anything while she touched herself, or would find some heterosexual porn that she could stomach. But she was out now. She could think about girls. She wanted to think about girls.

Thinking about girls, however, only stayed in a generic sense for a few moments. Then her mind wandered to one in particular and before she could reel herself in, Jackie had a clear image in her mind.

Jaida.

Normally, Jackie would’ve stopped herself right there. Thinking about an employee in a sexual nature was wrong under any circumstance as far as she was concerned. But her arousal sparked an internal argument. “Just this once,” she decided, “just to get it out of my system.”

Jackie had seen Jaida on stage several times – she watched all of the girls, at least to audition them, then occasionally she’d watch them during a shift to see how they were doing. But it was always strictly business – she could appreciate the aesthetics of her girls without getting hot and bothered, or at least, not a distracting amount. But she’d always been especially attracted to Jaida, there were times when she couldn’t focus on a conversation between them because Jaida would still be half-naked and Jackie would be focusing all of her energy on maintaining eye contact.

“Fuck, Jaida…” Once Jackie had started, there was no turning back. Images of the other woman were burned into her mind, she couldn’t think of anything else if she tried. So, she embraced it, moaning as she alternated between rubbing her clit and fingering herself. It was more heightened, more intense, her body felt hot all over. And when she came, it was harder than she ever had before, her hips still twitching moments after she had finished.

She rolled onto her side, looking at her reflection in her mirrored closet door. The room was dark, but she was illuminated by moonlight. “Jesus, what are you Jackie, sixteen?” she chastised herself, the reality of her touching herself to someone she considered a friend hitting her then. She sighed, reminding herself that no one would ever find out about it, especially not Jaida.

——

“I want to ask you something,” Nicky said while she and Brooke Lynn were out for lunch. “When did you decide that you wanted to date Vanessa, instead of just hooking up with her?”

Brooke furrowed her brows and tilted her head as she thought. “It wasn’t right away, not because of her, but because I’m a creature of habit. We were sleeping together, I would slide her some extra money, it was just the system we had. I’m just lucky she wasn’t afraid to tell me how she felt because I’ve never been good with that sort of thing.”

Nicky looked a bit taken back. “She asked you out?” she asked, then paused. “That shouldn’t surprise me, actually. She seems like the type of girl that knows what she wants.”

“I’m glad she’s assertive,” she nodded. “People think she’s my sugar baby, but she’s not. She’s my girlfriend – she was fine before me and she’d be fine without me, we just prefer to be even better together. But anyway, why do you ask? Does this have to do with Jan?”

“Well… yes,” Nicky nodded. “We’ve been having sex nonstop for over a week and… I don’t know, what’s that brain chemical that comes out during sex? That makes you feel feelings?”

Brooke scratched her head. “Oxytocin?”

“Yeah, that,” she nodded. “I don’t know if it’s that, or if I have romantic feelings for her, but something is there. Something good is there.”

It brought a warm smile to Brooke’s face to hear how Nicky talked about Jan. It did remind her of herself when she started to realize she was starting to develop feelings for Vanessa. It was cute, in a way. “I can’t stress this enough – you need to communicate. Communication has been the ultimate saving grace, especially now with this whole Kameron thing.”

Nicky nodded. “You have a good point. How is the Kameron thing going anyway?”

Brooke pressed her lips together and strummed her fingers against the table. “It’s going alright. I mean, I trust Vanjie implicitly, so I don’t need to hear the details.”

“Have you considered getting to know her? Maybe you guys could be friends, avoid the awkward.”

She shrugged. The idea of befriending the woman her girlfriend was sleeping with seemed odd at best, but at the same time, she supposed it wasn’t the worst idea. “I don’t know. I’ll think about it. Right now, I think we just need to focus on moving her in.” And with that, she got up. “The movers are on their way, I’m gonna meet them and Vanjie at the apartment.”

Despite Vanessa’s insistence that she could move in on her own, Brooke had taken the liberty of hiring a moving company to get everything from her apartment to what would now be their penthouse.

“You are so fucking extra,” Vanessa chuckled as she watched two men carry boxes from the moving van into the elevator. “I don’t even got that much shit, we could’ve done this in an hour or two.”

“I know, but if we can make it easier, why not?” Brooke hummed, tipping the movers once the last of the boxes were upstairs. “Don’t worry, it’s still on us to unpack,” she assured with a laugh. She looked around her living room, now occupied with about seven boxes of Vanessa’s things. “Where do we begin, anyway?”

Vanessa chuckled. “You never had to unpack after a move before?”

Brooke shrugged, starting on one of the boxes. “It’s been a minute.” They unpacked quietly for a few minutes before she cleared her throat. “So, um, Nicky suggested I reach out to Kameron, maybe try to befriend her. I was considering it, but I wanted to know how you felt about that before I did anything.”

It wasn’t something that had occurred to Vanessa, catching her off guard for a moment. “I mean… I don’t got an issue with it. I think you guys would get along. Y’all are both pretty chill, kinda dorky in a way no one expects because you’re both so hot.”

Brooke grinned and looked down. “You sure know how to talk someone up, baby. I do think I’ll reach out to her, though. Couldn’t hurt.”

——

“Silk looks so good on you,” Nicky observed, watching Jan pose in front of the standing mirror in a black silk robe that came down just past her ass. All of her clothes were a bit smaller on Jan’s more curvy frame, which was undoubtedly why she loved letting her rummage through her wardrobe and try on what she liked.

Jan smiled and gave a bit of a twirl. “It feels nice too. I don’t think I’ll ever go back to normal bed sheets after rolling around in yours,” she mused with a light laugh. Once she tore her eyes from her reflection, her eyes casually scanned Nicky’s dresser. “You like diamonds an awful lot, don’t you?”

Nicky chuckled softly, getting out of bed and walking up behind her. “What’s not to like?” She picked up one of the necklaces and carefully, delicately put it on Jan. “See? Doesn’t it just make you feel radiant?”

“God, it’s like I’m in Pretty Woman,” she remarked as she looked at herself in the mirror.

While Jan laughed off her own comment, Nicky’s brows furrowed and she turned Jan around to face her. “Is that how you see yourself? Is that… how you see me?”

Jan tilted her head, taking on a more serious expression. “Do I see myself as an under-educated, low-ranking woman who needs someone rich to teach me how to behave and save me from a destitute lifestyle? Do I see you as a corporate asshole that doesn’t understand empathy or compassion? No, of course not.” She paused for a breath, relaxing a bit. “But do I see myself as a sex worker that doesn’t get to wear expensive clothes and jewelry and you as someone that has grown accustomed to their privilege? Yes. But I don’t think any of that is bad.”

Nicky gently cupped Jan’s cheek, stroking her thumb across her skin. “I do not want you to think I think less of you, or that I am trying to save you from being a stripper.”

“Good,” she smiled and put her hand on top of Nicky’s. “Because I don’t need saving. I’m here because I like you. I like how I feel when I’m with you.”

A wave of relief washed over Nicky. She had been so afraid that she had made Jan feel used or less than in any way. The more she thought about it, she realized she would have tried to pursue Jan regardless of where she met her. It just happened to be that the way they met allowed them to bypass certain courtship rituals, ones Nicky never liked to bother with anyway. “I like you too. Not just because of the sex, you bring this… energy into my life that has never been there before. But it makes everything better.”

“I think this is the part where you ask me to be your girlfriend,” Jan gently prompted after a beat of silence.

Nicky smiled and looked down, then back up at her. “Can I assume the answer is yes?”

She laughed and kissed her sweetly. “Of course.”

——

While the club was closed during the day, Jackie often found herself there for one reason or another. And, in turn, the employees knew there was a likely chance she would be there, should they need to find her. Jaida waved at the security camera, knowing that if Jackie were there, she’d see her from the screen in the back office.

Sure enough, Jackie let her in not a minute later. “Hey, what’s up?”

“I just got a quick question,” Jaida explained. Sure, it easily could’ve been done over text, but that was beside the point. “I been thinking about starting an OnlyFans page and I wanted to know if that was a conflict of interest.”

Jackie quickly shook her head. “Not at all, I admire your business mindset,” she assured, then checked her phone. “Hey, if you’re not busy, I’m about to start the auditions for new girls. Do you wanna stick around? It’d be great to have another set of eyes, and I trust your judgment.”

Jaida looked surprised but flattered. “I don’t have any plans, I’m down,” she nodded. “So what’s up? Is it just us watching them perform or is there an interview?”

“We’re just watching performances, for now, then we’ll decide who moves forward with an interview. That part’s boring, so I’ll handle it,” she assured as they sat and waited for the potential dancers to come in.

The first four girls came and went quickly, Jackie scribbled notes during most of each performance, while Jaida would make a few succinct ones at the end. “You ain’t hiring any of these straight girls are you?” she asked with a light laugh.

Jackie scoffed, her cheeks flushing red. “Jaida, I would never discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation. I just don’t think any of them would fit in here.”

Jaida rolled her eyes and chuckled. “Anyway I’m on this next girl’s Instagram and she got the rainbow flag emoji in her bio, so she’s got that going for her,” she scrolled through the pictures, “she got a fat ass too.”

“How do you know it’s her?”

She quirked a brow as if she were unable to process how someone as smart as Jackie could ask such a stupid question. “How many girls named fucking ‘Denali’ do you think there are?”

Jackie put her hands up in surrender. “Fair enough,” she acquiesced, then looked up when she heard the door open and a woman made her way over to them. “You must be Denali, right? You can go ahead and head up onto the stage for your routine if you’re ready,” she said in the calm, kind voice she used with all the potential dancers.

Even before Denali started dancing, both Jackie and Jaida noticed her stage presence. The way she stood and held herself conveyed confidence that they knew would translate well into any stripping routine. And when she did perform, they were captivated. It was clear that Denali was a dancer, that she knew her body and what to do with it. It was the only performance so far that they fully applauded her when she had finished.

“So,” Denali prompted as she redressed. “Should I expect a call back soon?”

——

“Guys!” Jan prompted cheerily as the rest of the dancers were getting changed after the shift, “we need to take Denali out to celebrate her first shift! Let’s go to Patty’s, my treat.”

“Your sugar mommy give you an allowance?” Gigi teased.

Jan huffed and rolled her eyes. “She’s not my sugar mommy, she’s my girlfriend. And no… she gave me a credit card. It’s much more responsibility because I’m a big girl. So do you wanna go or not?”

“Oh yeah no, I’m in,” Gigi readily assured. “Are you extending the invitation to the bartenders?”

“If you want Crystal to come, you gotta ask her yourself. We’re not facilitating this shit anymore,” Jaida cut in. “And we already know Pri would follow Lemon to the ends of the Earth anyway, so she’s covered.”

Gigi accepted her fate and left the dressing room to find Crystal while Lemon attempted to pick an argument with Jaida in her wake. “Hey, Crys, you busy?”

Crystal looked up at Gigi. “Honestly, I spaced out and have been cleaning the same glass for the past five minutes, so no. What’s up?”

“We’re going out to Miss Patty’s to like, indoctrinate Denali into our little cult or whatever. You want in? Nicky gave Jan a credit card, so we have a solid week before the inevitable regret sets in.

“Is there gonna be a blood oath? Because in that case, I’m definitely in. If not, I’ll settle for a slice of apple pie,” Crystal decided, grinning at the way her comments made Gigi laugh. It was the specific laugh she aimed for, where she would instinctively duck her head away in case she snorted, it filled Crystal with a sense of pride, and something else she couldn’t quite articulate.

And luckily she wouldn’t have to, as Priyanka came back from the kitchen mere seconds later. “Who’s taking a blood oath? I want in.”

By the time they made it to Miss Patty’s Diner, it was after two in the morning. While it was often a shift most waitstaff would avoid, the girls’ favorite waitress was genuinely happy to see them, and would even volunteer for the late-night shift in the 24-hour fifties-themed restaurant.

“How was the club, ladies?” Rosé asked, her notepad and pencil already in hand. “Business as usual? No one got kicked out for jerking off?”

“No code whites tonight, mama,” Jan replied with a light laugh. “But, we do have a new dancer with us, so we’re all out to give her a proper welcome,” she then turned to Denali, “Denali, this is Rosé. She’s the best, we won’t come here if she’s not working.”

Denali was barely listening to Jan, her eyes fixed squarely on the waitress, absentmindedly twirling her hair around her finger. “So nice to meet you.”

Rosé smirked, looking her over. “You too.” Though as she got a better look, her brows furrowed. “You look familiar…”

She let out a soft laugh as if it was a familiar remark to her. But she also appeared to bite her tongue and hold back. “You don’t say,” she hummed. “You spend any time in Chicago?”

“Not that I can recall. Give me some time, I’ll piece it together,” Rosé assured, then took down everyone’s order.

Once the group was alone, Jan could barely contain her enthusiasm. “Oh my god, I’ve never seen her act like that before. Denali, she was fucking into you, like, hardcore,” she clapped her hands together, nearly bouncing in her seat. “Wouldn’t they be cute together?” she asked the rest of the table, determined to prove she wasn’t the only one that picked up on the sexual tension.

“There was eye-fucking,” Lemon confirmed. “And it was reciprocal – you seemed really into her,” she said to Denali.

Denali was unbothered by the accusations. “She’s hot. And she looks like she’s kind of mean, but still approachable and low-key goofy. Which is my type to a T, basically,” she explained with a shrug.

“Where do you think she knows you from?” Crystal asked.

This time, Denali wasn’t as quick to answer. She wanted to see if Rosé would figure it out for herself, rather than having one of the girls spoil it. Though, given the circumstances, the answer wasn’t especially shocking. “Who’s to say?”

The conversation veered off into various other topics after that, and the rest of the meal went on without incident. But as they were leaving, Denali pulled Jaida aside. “Hey, you were talking about making an OnlyFans, right? Well, listen, being a cam girl has been my main gig for a while. I could help you get set up, figure out all the technical shit.”

Jaida nodded. “Yeah, that’d be great,” she said, then tilted her head. “You think that’s where Rosé recognized you from?”

“Probably. But I always wear a blonde wig. So, keep it on the down-low, I wanna see how long it takes for her to figure out.” What was the fun in moving to a new city if she couldn’t play a few games with someone that piqued her interest?

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