#tw:ed

[ryloriee678999]

Feed (Natasha Romanoff x F!Reader)

A/N: lol this is my FIRST ever fic and of course its a vent fic. (yikes for me lol.) There's some really good writing on tumblr and I'm lowkey scared to post this.

Summary: Natasha surprises you with a week off from work. The only problem now is keeping your secret from your girlfriend. (3K words)

TW: Please take care of yourself, this fic is heavily surrounded by eating disorders. It does go into detail and I don't want anyone reading this if you think it would trigger you.

“I got us the week off of work!” Natasha reveals. Her smile wide knowing how much you two needed a break after constantly overworking yourselves. Finally, Fury gave in and decided to let you two have a few days off.

You stare at her for a moment, only turning your lips up into a smile when Natasha looked at you like something was wrong. “Aren't you happy?” She asks. Right away you nodded and faked an even bigger. “Of course I'm happy! We finally get a break from all that paperwork,” You reply, trying to sound as convincing as you could.

Natasha let out a happy sigh as she let herself fall onto the sofa, “I can't remember the last time we had time off like this. I bet the others are going to be so jealous and-”  You didn't mean to tune your girlfriend out, normally you loved listening to her voice and seeing her happy, but her voice turned into background noise as you got lost in your thoughts.

Keeping your ‘little secret’ this week would be harder. You didn't want to admit to yourself you had an eating disorder but you knew that's exactly what you had. Normally you and Nat would be too busy to share meals together so she never really noticed when you skipped. Of course, sometimes your girlfriend would surprise you and make dinner for the both of you but that was only sometimes and you were able to make up for it the next day. This time, it would be an entire week of constantly being together and you knew you would have to eat in front of her at some point. The worry already settled into your chest, making you anxious. You couldn't even see the good side of things since it was being clouded by the feeling.

You didn't even realize your face started to frown. “Is everything okay?” Natasha asked. “You don't seem very thrilled.” You didn't realize she was standing in front of you until her hands touched yours. Finally, you snap out of the trance you were in and give her one more smile, “believe me, I'm so happy.” You give her a quick peck on the cheek to furthermore convince her. “I can’t wait.”

You might have purposely ‘forgotten’ to turn off the alarm that normally woke you up at 6 am. Natasha even told you right before going to bed to turn it off but you ignored her.

A loud groan came from your girlfriend as she covered her ears with blankets to shield her from the noise. She stirred, wishing her sleep wasn't interrupted by an angry alarm. “Don't even think about getting out of bed to train right now,” she said angrily with her eyes still closed and face stuffed under the blanket.

You were about to ignore her and go to the gym anyway but her arm grabbed yours before you could leave. A quiet sigh left your mouth as you let yourself fall back into her arms, you didn't even try to fight it. You trained every day to keep yourself from going insane, you didn't know how you were gonna make it this week. The food combined with not working out sat heavily on your mind until you were able to fall back asleep.

The day started off lazy, you both stayed in bed until noon. Natasha suggested going out for pastries and you hesitantly accepted. You figured since you two skipped lunch you’d allow yourself one croissant or something.

On the way there you held hands, talking about how many things Natasha wanted to do with you. For the first time this week, you really felt happy, not one thing bothering you until Natasha brought up dinner tonight. She wanted to surprise you but she was so excited that she told you. It was somewhere really fancy, somewhere where you would have to dress up and eat way too many courses. You tried pushing the thoughts to the back of your head and listening to her but it was getting hard. These thoughts stayed until you got home. It didn't help that you were now eating brunch on top of the dinner to come.

The dress you wore that used to be tight felt loose around your skin. You couldn't believe how you used to wear this to parties months ago. It only dawned on you now how revealing it is. You hated what you saw but sucked it up once you caught a glimpse of what Natasha was wearing. God, she looked good. You didn't want to compare yourself to her but you couldn't help but feel gross about yourself.

Dinner was filled with uncomfortable grabbing at your dress, you hated feeling it on your stomach so you constantly sat up to adjust it. Although the restaurant wasn't packed, you still couldn't help but feel everyone's eyes on you. Natasha was amazing of course. She made everything better but it wasn't enough to take over how you felt.

“Have I told you how beautiful you look tonight?” Natasha says as her eyes look down at you.

‘Liar.’

“Only a few times,” you laugh.

At night you sat in bed silently until the redhead fell asleep. You felt your stomach twist and your eyes threatening to spill tears. Not even the first day has passed and you already felt like giving up. You promised yourself it would never come to this point but it really felt like an emergency.

Carefully you lifted the blanket up and slid off the bed, the coldness of the room hit your body but it wasn't long before you headed to the bathroom and locked the door. Immediately you felt yourself start to break at the reflection in the mirror. You wish you could cover it up with a towel or something but instead, you tear your eyes away from yourself and look at the toilet.

Never have you tried throwing up your food. It crossed your mind a few times on those bad days but never have you gone this far. You were getting desperate and right now you thought it would make you feel better if you tried.

You kneeled in front of the toilet before pushing your fingers harshly to the back of your throat. After gagging time after time, you felt frustrated that nothing was happening. It was too late, you probably digested the food already or maybe you weren't trying hard enough. You cursed to yourself, hating how this was all happening. You didn't want this disorder, you wanted to be okay and normal and not have torment seep into your mind every time you see yourself.

At this point, you slumped against the shower waiting for your breathing to come down and your eyes to become less puffy.

It must've been a while because soon you heard quiet footsteps heading towards you. “Baby?” Natasha called while giving a knock on the door. “Are you okay?” She asked.

Shit, You thought she would be asleep but of course, she would wake up from the sounds of retching and gagging you tried so hard to hide. You let out a shaky breath, praying that your voice wouldn't reveal how you were feeling. “Yeah, I just felt sick. I’ll come to bed in a minute.” You said, your voice a little hoarse from all the damage you did.

Natasha wasn't completely satisfied with the response, she wanted to come in there and see for herself if you were okay. You seemed fine today, what changed? But seeing that it was late and she was tired, Nat decided to give you space for now and ask you about it tomorrow.

The next day you woke up and the bed was empty. You immediately sat up looking around the room for your girlfriend until you heard a sound from the kitchen. The music was quiet but you could still hear one of Natasha's favorite songs playing. You smiled, picturing your girlfriend humming to the music as she did whatever she was doing.

You see her turn around once she hears the bedroom door creak open. You walk over to the table and sit down, worry already bubbling when you see a bowl in front of you.

“How are you feeling?” Natasha asks softly. She goes to turn off the stove then sits next to you, her eyes glaring at you in search of any signs of sickness. “I’m fine, I'm not sure what came over me last night,” you lied. Natasha's eyes narrowed for a second before she stood up and took the bowl that was in front of you.

“Well I made soup just in case, It’s the kind you like too,” Natasha said as she ladled soup into the bowl. She presented it in front of you and then sat across from you with her own plate.

Feeling trapped in the moment, you bring the spoon up to your mouth and take a small sip. Your nose scrunched up a bit but you hoped Nat wouldn't see. Thankfully she was staring at her phone so she didn't notice. She only noticed when you didn't touch the rest of it.

“Do you not like it?” She asks bluntly.

“I’m not hungry right now,” you brush off. “I’m not really a breakfast person.”

“You aren't?” Natasha questioned. She remembers when she first met you, you sometimes cooked breakfast for everyone after your early morning training. Everyone would circle around the dining table and eat what you cooked, yourself included. But then when you started dating and eventually moved in, she couldn't remember the last time you had food in the morning.

Before you could respond Natasha's phone rang. You looked over before she picked up, Clint's contact filling the screen. It wasn't anything you’d pay attention to but when Natasha responded to him in a harsh tone you looked up at her.

She threw her phone down on the table and stood up abruptly. Her fingers found their way to her hair as she sighed. “I can’t catch a fucking break,” she complained. “What's wrong? What happened?” You question, your face alarmed at how angry your girlfriend looks.

“There's an emergency, I have to get to the Quinjet right now,” she explains. Before you could ask more questions she already made her way to the closet where she keeps her suit. “Well do you guys need help?” You yell from the kitchen.

Natasha reappears near the door while putting on her shoes. “No, It's just me.” Before she heads out she mutters an apology and leaves you with a quick kiss.

Great, now you're left all alone. The first thing you do is clean up the dishes and empty the soup into the sink. Although you were sad about her leaving, this did give you a chance to do whatever you wanted without the fear of Natasha bringing you food. You laughed at yourself, you fight terrifying criminals for a living and now you're practically scared of soup.

You figured you’d make yourself useful while she was gone. So after cleaning up a bit you sat down, now realizing how bored you were. You’d been working so much that you’ve forgotten what to do with yourself when you had free time. But you know being bored leads to eating and eating leads to feeling like shit. So instead of sitting down all day you leave your room and search for some company around the compound.

It didn't take long to find someone to hang out with. You looked for Wanda but it looked like she was also on the mission. Instead, Peter was sitting on the couch, equally as pissed that he wasn't invited on the mission. You both talked for a bit and learnt that it would (hopefully) only take a few hours and that everyone would be back around dinner time. After the conversation, Peter persuaded you to come train with him. It would waste a few hours so you agreed.

After a few hours you excused yourself. You figured it was time to stop training when black dots started to appear in your vision

. “It’s not fair that you two get the week off!” You heard a voice yell, followed by the door opening.

You were in the bathroom showering and it seemed that Natasha was home along with someone else. Quickly you towel dry your hair and walk out to see Wanda and your girlfriend talking on the couch.

“Well we work the hardest out of everyone,” Natasha responded which made Wanda laugh.

“You do not work the hardest,” she mumbles. “You’re all over each other at work, don't forget who constantly reminds you to keep working.”

“Yeah whatever,” Nat rolls her eyes.

“Can we order food now, I’m starving,” Wanda sighed as you joined them on the couch. You took the remote but it was stolen from your grip right away. You didn't even bother taking it back or acknowledging anyone, you were way too tired and Natasha seemed to pick up on that.

“What? No hello?” Natasha teases.

Your eyes tiredly watched the tv in front of you while Wanda scrolled through shows and movies. “Hey Wanda,” you greet, purposely ignoring your girlfriend. “Jerk,” Natasha fake pouted and you for once genuinely smiled.

A little bit passed before Wanda urged Natasha to call the take out place already. Before dialling she turned to you. “Baby, do you want anything from the restaurant?” She asked.

You actually considered it since you have yet to eat today but every take-out food you could think of had too many calories. Quickly you came up with an excuse, “I’m good, I had a big lunch before you came home.”

Natasha frowned, once again sorry that she couldn't be home today. She gave your hand a quick squeeze before standing up and picking up her phone to call the restaurant.

Finally, Wanda settled on a movie but before pressing play she looked at you. Her eyebrows furrowed together, it looked like she was going to say something but she decided to stay quiet. She pressed play on the movie and Natasha joined you two. She went to sit next to you but you shifted away, suddenly feeling like you were taking up too much space.

Soon the food was here. Two medium pizzas spread across the kitchen island. You hated how appetizing it looked. It tempts you but you stay on the couch, out of reach from the food. The girls both stand up grabbing slices and bringing them to the couch. You watch them take bite after bite of the delicious food. And the smell- the smell was starting to get to you.

Instead of giving in to what you wanted, you stand up and head toward the bedroom. “I hope you don't mind but I’m really tired and I think I'm gonna lie down for a bit.”   Natasha looked down at her food, she thought you were mad at her about today. Wanda waved, “I’ll see you on Monday.”

Right when they hear the door close, Wanda brings the volume of the movie down and looks at Natasha. “So how are you? We didn't get to talk much,” Wanda spoke as she grabbed another slice of pizza from her plate.

Natasha moved closer to keep her voice low in case you weren't asleep yet, “I’m a little worried actually.” Wanda could already tell why but she kept silent. “I mean maybe I shouldn't have left today, I feel really bad about it,” she opened up. Wanda put her hand on Natasha's shoulder, “It was an emergency, there wasn't anything you could do.”

The Widow nodded, trying to push the guilt down. “I’m worried too,” Wanda admitted. “Somethings going on.”

“She seems so different lately, I don't know what I did or said,” she vented. “Maybe she doesn't want to spend this much time with me Wands. What if I'm suffocating her?” Wanda shook her head and brought the girl into a hug. “I’m sure whatever she's dealing with has nothing to do with you.”

Natasha buries her head into the other girl's shoulder. “I’m just so worried,” She repeats. “Can’t you read her mind?” Normally Natasha would never ask Wanda to do such a thing, it would be an absolute violation of your privacy. It was the first time you have ever acted not like yourself and it was sort of freaking her out. “You know I can't do that, hon,” Wanda says. “How about you try talking to her first?” Natasha nodded and decided she was gonna bring it up tomorrow.

You woke up early on purpose to go on a short run. You didn't see Natasha in bed so you figured she went out as well. Just as you were about to slide out the door, Natasha appeared out of nowhere and called out your name.

“Where are you going?”

“Out, I just want to get some air,” You lied. “Maybe to the convenience store to buy a snack.”

“I'll come with you,” she suggests and grabs her bag from the table.

You open the door before denying her. “No that's okay,” you say, already stepping out of the room. “Why not,” you hear her. At this point you were irritated, all you wanted to do was run by yourself. You didn't want anyone to watch you run out of breath or see the way your thighs moved when you run.

“Can you just leave me alone?” you snapped. You hate to admit it but at this point, the hunger was starting to get to you, and that meant making you feel angry. “You have the rest of the week to annoy me.”

Natasha felt hurt, but she brushed her own feelings aside. She promised herself she would talk to you about what was happening. “Is this because of the mission?” She asked. “Believe me babe I really didn't want to go but it was an emergency.”

“It's not that,” you cross your arms.

“Then what did I do? You’ve been acting differently for a while?” The redhead asks.

You automatically feel stupid, how could you let her think this could possibly be her fault. You didn't even think about how your actions or attitude were affecting your girlfriend. “No- no, no of course not Nat, there’s nothing wrong. You did nothing, nothing wrong,” you huffed in frustration.

“Then why aren't you eating?” She finally asks. She's had her suspicions for some time now, but this time with you confirmed her fear. You start to panic, but try your best not to let it show on your face. You don't know where you slipped up, you just grip the door handle tighter while thinking about all the times she might have noticed. Natasha steps closer and guides you away from the door and towards the middle of the room.

“I hate seeing you like this and I'm worried.” You don't respond, You wanted to but it was so hard. It was tempting to tell her about everything, but for some reason, you couldn't. “You really didn't think I'd notice?”

“It’s nothing, I’m fine,” You respond, only for your voice to falter. It's not even convincing enough to convince you. You were trained to lie but with Natasha staring at you like that, you knew you had fucked up.

“Bullshit,” she blurted out harshly.

The room went quiet and you felt tears forming in your eyes. Natasha watched the sight of the girl in front of her, your chest starting to heave as the disgusting ache in your stomach started to grow. You felt your face being cupped into her hands, her fingers pushing back layers of your hair that covered your eyes. “It’s going to be okay,” she soothed.

“We’re going to be fine.”

In the end, Nat scheduled the next week off, and then another week off when things didn't look like they were getting better. You both knew it would take a while for things to fully recover but Natasha was more than willing to stay by your side. She tried her best to be understanding even when you got angry. Over time, you started to feel like things were getting better. Although things will never be fully okay, that didn't mean she would ever leave.  

#natasha marvel #natasha romanoff #natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff x you #natasha romanoff fanfiction #natasha romanoff fanfic #natasha romanoff hurt/comfort #Natasha Romanoff one shot #natasha x f!reader #fanfiction #tw:ed #EDNOTSHERAN #lol what did i write #vent fic #marvel fic #wlw

[fat-ass-skank]

Andreea Stancu

#th1nspø #thigh g4p #thinspø #tw thinspi #tw:ed #slim #ana trigger #small waist #body goals #bodygoals #perfect body #tw: ed #eating disorder #disordered eating cw #disordered eating thoughts #disordered eating mention #ed behaviour tw #ed bllog #ed blr #ed bullshit #model thin #th1gh g@p #th1nsp1ration #thin$po #andreea stancu #čumblr ed

[weeping-vintage-toes]

Quick psa, Ed's sucks. Don't get one

#ed #Tw:ED #source: trust me bro

[thatkinkyboi]

I'm back up to 193 lbs and I'm

;____;

I feel so gross

Last time I was this heavy I was in the *bad time*

And I hate it

#tw:ed

[emilieautumnarchives]

Stark Raving Sane: Biscuits

Posted: June 29, 2023 Archived from EAOnline

Biscuits: Mixed Media - Digital and Acrylic Paint, Audio, Scent [mod note: image cropped due to tw:ed concerns, see full version below the cut]

Dearest Inmates,

I shared Biscuits a few days ago on the old IG (did it, sharing art/music/other secret artistic projects because anything more seedy will be placed here alone, but I do have a trick: I never post from my phone, but from the very large screen computer that I use for recording, because I usually don’t know where my phone is, but really because then I don’t lose my wide vision of reality and goodness and truth and compress my focus into a tiny little screen which makes me spiritually nauseous—I highly recommend this).

I shared Biscuits, which was begun whilst we were traveling to location scout recently (this is why starting projects on an iPad before going to physical is so bloody nice), but I hadn’t been ready to say anything about her or what she might represent.

I think I might be now, or I may (probably will) delete this post in five minutes.

Biscuits has no tits and neither do I at present. I’ve lost them, along with my arse, and most of my muscle mass, because that’s what happens when you’ve got an auto-immune issue and it hurts to eat because your body is attacking itself. (I never say auto-immune “disease” because it’s an ugly brown and I don’t like the way the “s” that is really a “z” feels in my mouth, and it also sounds unnecessarily dramatic and that embarrasses me). I prefer not to talk about this. With anyone. I will fix it. I am fixing it. And I will be able to sing and dance. And that is all.

Biscuits has all the trappings of femininity, except for her actual body, which is clearly missing a few things, and that’s how I feel. A woman but not. And it doesn’t make me sad, but it makes me curious, because there is something beautiful in each layer of identity that is peeled off, or flakes away on its own without anybody’s doing, as we go down this path of life. I suppose what I’m really settling into is that I am not my tits, nor my womanhood, nor my ability to fit into my fabulous pink wardrobe, but am rather just me. I have not changed, because the “I” that is “I” can never be anything other than what it is. But I could do with a few more calories.

Biscuits needs a biscuit. Biscuits needs a few. I hope someone gives them to her.

To see more of her, tap away:

BISCUITS - FINE ART GICLEE PRINT [mod note: yes, EA has this linking to "Vampire's Daughter" instead of "Biscuits."]

I’m going to go try and digest some keto ice cream. It’s salted caramel. May you do the same, dear friends.

#stark raving sane #blog #blogs #2023 #tw:ed #tw:eating disorder #tw:autoimmune disease #emilie autumn #journals #journal entries #journal archives #musical era

[fandomfoodiedancer]

Silent Tears

Summary: Eliot sees your break down and helps you through it.

Warning: self harm, suicidal thoughts, eating disorders, all round depression and sadness.

a/n: this is dark, hits a bit close to home, but it’s good to vent and I hope others can find comfort in this Eliot fic! <3

Sitting on the lounge, you put your earphones in, tuning out the yelling as Sophie, Nate, Hardison and Parker played Monopoly whilst Eliot was cooking something for dinner. You stared at the laptop screen in front of you, typing hazily your thoughts onto an old document you'd had for years, like a personal diary that you only updated when you wanted to or needed to vent. But it wasn't enough. Needing air, you tried to look calm as you walked past everyone, making your way through the small house you'd rented for a holiday until you reached the backyard. Under the stars is the only place you truly felt safe. The only place you could breathe fresh air and allow yourself to feel. Emotions washed over you and before you knew it you were crying. Sobbing. Suffocating.

No sound left your mouth, as silent tears fell, fogging up your view of the sky. For a few seconds the world looked crystal clear before the tear rolled down your cheeks. Anger at the world for being so cruel to you and your family, for treating you like the butt of its jokes. Hatred aimed at yourself. Hurt from your past and the insults your mind hurled at you. Grief and fear for the future. Everything rippled through you, until soon all that was left were the tears.

Left numb as the last tears fell, a strange calm washed over you as you looked at the stars, feeling like Orion was soothing your soul, trying to heal the parts of you that you believed to be broken, smoothing the edges until they were soft enough to feel love again. The guitar of your music played through the earphones, speaking to emotions, offering small pieces of hope with the warm night air blowing the stars around.

“Hey sweetheart, I noticed you've been gone for a bit. Thought you might like to come and help me with dinner? I'm planning on making dessert too, but it'll take both of us to manage that and watch dinner” Eliot's voice was soft, concern lacing the small undertones of his question.

“Yeah, yeah I'll be right in.” Hearing his footsteps leave, you wiped your eyes, prepping yourself to go back inside and help with dinner.

You loved to cook. Had since you were little. You weren't good at it to start with, learning the hard way that potatoes were flammable, but you slowly got there. Now cooking felt safe, it was something to be creative with, to share with the ones you loved, and if you put enough into it, it could be art. That was one of the reasons you loved cooking with Eliot so much. He understood your love for food, and you understood his. However you always let him do most of the cooking, as dancing was your true passion, cooking was his. It was beautiful and fun to watch him in the kitchen, get all grumpy when it didn't work, but the small grin and faint chuckle when something was perfect made your heart flutter.

“Alright chef, what are we making?”

“Well, I've got the satay on the stove, the rice is half way through cooking and we need to get the vegetables in the oven. If we get creative, we can make an easy lemon meringue pie before dinner is finished being made.” The look of excitement in his eyes warmed your heart, helping to forget about the wave of depression that had hit you earlier.

Soon enough Eliot had assigned you different things until you fell into a comfortable dance of rotating between checking the different parts cooking for dinner, peeling and cutting the vegtables and making the lemon curd and the pie shell, leaving the meringue for last. Soon enough, all that was left was the stirring and to make the meringue. You were so busy that you didn't have a second thought when you rolled your sleeves up.

“Hardison! Man, I need you to stir this satay every two mintues. The oven and rice cooker will turn off in a few and just leave 'em” You looked at Eliot confused. He never let anyone else touch his kitchen, you were lucky he let you in when he found out you loved cooking too.

“Yeah, sure man, is everything good?” Hardison seemed as confused as you.

“Yeah, yeah, just gonna get some air for a minute” Signalling for you to follow him, Eliot swept out of the kitchen, into the backyard where you had been less than an hour ago.

The stars were still beautiful, as was the weather, but a nervous feeling set into your bones as Eliot looked at you for a minute with his arms crossed, staring at you concerned. For a split second his eyes glanced down at your arms. You knew he saw them. Eliot has been exposed to every kind of wound, and with such an eye for observation, you knew he understood what they were. No need to lie to him or blame your cat. He knew. Tears pricked at your eyes. Softening his stance, Eliot pulled you to him in a tight hug. You broke the silence first.

“It's fucking bullshit Eliot. All of it. It's so much crap I can't breathe” Unsure of when the tears had started to fall, you tried to keep from panicking as he stroked your hair to calm you down. You stood like that in his arms until you lost track of time, until your breathing settled, until the tears stopped and you could hear his strong and steady heart beat past your own.

“C'mon. Tell me what's going on.” Tugging you to the ground, Eliot sat down, pulling you onto his lap so he could hold you some more.

“No, Eliot, I'm too heavy to sit on your lap” It killed you to say.

“Pffft, no you're not. Sophie's luggage weighs more than you.” You giggled, not doubting that for a second, but you couldn't help but let your face fall when you remembered what you were talking about.

“Is that it sweetheart? Not feeling good about yourself?” His probing tone was so gentle that you spilt everything you'd been keeping in for years.

“Not just that. I mean, yeah, it's a good bit of it. I've hated myself since I was little. I've always been the bigger one out of my sisters and me. I know that most of it's muscle, and my friends just say I'm curvy, but I hate it. I feel like a fucking blimp, and being short too makes me stumpy. I've tried everything, dieting, vomiting, not eating, over working out and healthy methods. Nothing works, I never change. I hate it. And I hate how things are with my family. My sisters have always taken all the attention, as the angel and demon whilst I'm invisible. The only time I'm not invisible is when they need me to do all the housework, the cooking and cleaning and all the rest of the shit. I try to open up to my mum. I try to explain how I feel inside and every time I try, she just tells me I need to lose weight. I need to cut out sugar, eat less calories, count everything. She never says it to my sisters. Only me. It fucking hurts. Especially when every day my brain insults me, about how I look, how I'm useless, how I can never do anything right, how I'm a fuck up and a waste of space. I mean, the world must be punishing me as my dad got sick, badly, recently. I'm npt even good enough to save him from that. But for some fucking reason, despite it all, I don't have the guts to end it. Even though my family life is fucked up and manipulative. Even though I'm this fucking thing. Even though the world clearly doesn't want me anymore. I just want it all to stop.” You don't know when the tears started, but you watched as the droplets fell onto your trackies. No point in trying ro look good when you know no one wants you, especially Eliot. At least that's what you thought.

“I know the feeling. Maybe not the feeling of hating my reflection that bad, but I know the feeling of worthlessness. Of hopelessness. Of never seeing a light at the end of a tunnel and when you think you do, it's a fucking train. But there is life after survival. It doesn't feel like it, but there is. Now, I won't pretend I know or understand what it's like for you, but know I'm here sweetheart. What we got, in there, those four idiots playing board games, that's our family now. This is your home. Your place to let it all out. You don't need to hide from us to cry, or cut into yourself to get the emotions out because you feel you don't have another option. Tell us. We're here for you. I'm here for you. Can I ask why?”

You didn't even need to ask what he was refering to.

“I'm not sure. The first time I did I was angry. A dull, throbbing anger and sorrow that I wanted to scream. But I couldn't. So I dragged my broken nail down my arm until it left a mark. Then I did it again. I guess it's about control. I can't control my life. I can't control what happens at home, or work or even at dance classes. But I can control myself. I can make sure that I don't hurt anyone, even if they deserve it, I can make sure not to yell or snap or hit anyone or anything, by taking it out on myself instead. So yeah, I guess it's about control. Or maybe that I feel I deserve it. Maybe it's that the sting reflects how I feel, so my feelings and tears seem vaild, or maybe it's because it distracts me, shuts the voices up in my mind, or maybe it's because I'm just addicted to the sting. I remembered wanting someone to notice at first, hoping they could see my pain and help me, but now I don't want to burden anyone”

After a moment of silent nodding Eliot spoke up.

“I'm not going to force you to stop. I'm not going to make you promise not to. I know how it can be. How addictive. Me and my fists.... well there's a reason they're red and raw most days and it ain't because someone needed my help. I know the draw of the sting. But please stop darlin', I don't wanna see you hurt, I don't want you to have lasting scars from a pain that isn't permanent. More than that, I wouldn't.. I can't let anything happen to you, y/n. I care too damn much to let anything take you from us.”

“How do you know my pain's not permanent? I've felt like this since I was twelve. Hated my body since I was eight. I don't even see how it's bad for me anymore”

“I wish... I wish you could see what you mean to me. Who you are and how amazing it is to be around you. Did you know my cooking always turns out better when you're in the kitchen? Even when you're not doing anything, just sitting on the counter babbling to me, you make it better. And did you know that Parker actually sleeps more peacefully since you gave her that stuffed animal and that Hardison gets the biggest smile on his face when you ask about his video games, even though you don't seem to really understand them? Did you know that Sophie sees you like her daughter and that Nate drinks less when you're around? You make things better and you're completely unaware of it. And I sleep better when you're around. I find that I can breathe more. This team are the only people in the world that I can open up to, you especially. As for your looks. Excuse me for saying and I don't want to make you uncomfortable, but damn. The way you look. Beautiful. Stunning. Divine. There aren't enough words in the English language, or any other language for that matter, that can describe how beautiful you are, inside and out. You don't need to be skinny to be beautiful, and honey you are gorgeous as you are. That being said, don't think for a minute that you're too big. To me, you're the most beautiful woman in the world.”

“I-”

“Yo Eliot, the timers turned off a while ago and I don't know how long you want me to keep stirring this for man. Can you come check it?” Luckily you were saved from trying to answer. You brain was completely empty and exhausted, too many emotions to comprehend.

“Yeah, sure, gimme a minute man” Looking at you gently he mumbled “Are you going to be alright now? We can go in there and have dinner, or if you want you can eat out here, but I'll eat with you, alright?” You nodded silently, shuffling off his lap as he brushed a kiss to your forehead, holding your hand as you walked behind him into the kitchen.

Board game packed up, movie night turned off, dishes in the sink, you started to run the hot water, taking a chore away from tomorrow's to do list. The others disappearred, presumably to bed.

Silently, as you did the dishes, Eliot walked in grabbing a tea towel, drying the dishes next to you. When it was all done, he held you hand, tugging you into his bedroom.

“Stay the night?” The hope in his voice nearly broke you, and you couldn't think of any where you would rather be. Eliot had always been your rock, always knowing what you need before you could even say. Maybe he knew you didn't want to be alone tonight, or maybe he simply wanted to keep you close, so he could fight your demons. Either way, as you curled onto Eliot and he rubbed your back until you fell asleep, all that mattered was the warmth of the his hug.

“Love you, y/n”.

#eliot spencer x reader #eliot x reader #eliot spencer #leverage fanfic #eliot spencer fanfic #tw:ed #tw:self harm #tw: depression #tw:suicidal thoughts

[anahome503]

It's amazing how many people actually don't care at all when you blatantly say that you actively s✨be yourself for days in between each time you eat...

I was just doing it as a experiment and wow 😳

#ana trigger #tw ed diet #disordered eating thoughts #tw disordered eating #tw ana trigger #ed not sherran #ed body check #tw ana diary #ana meal #ed not ed sheeran #ana bllog #ana rant #tw:ed #tw ed #tw ed sheeran

[miscent]

it was never about looking good, in the end it was only ever about control. || nessa barrett // halsey // leanna firestone // sub urban // conan gray // inkskinned

#miscent #ed #tw:ed #eating disorder #music #conan gray #nessa barrett #halsey #leanna firestone #sub urban #inkskinned #recover please #self harm #self hate #recovery

[hajimmwah]

21/8/2023

ate :: 458 c

burned :: 168 c

net :: 290 c

#tw ana diary #tw:ed #st4rv3 #@na trigger #disordered eating thoughts #tw ana shit

[pixier0t]

the though of being able to put a necklace around my waist is giving me brain worms 😵‍💫

#pr0 4n4 #pr0 ed #thinsp #notprojusttags #4na #anaorexya #thinsp0 #skinnyyy #anorexjc #anoressic #anorex14 #anorekcya #anor3x14 #edblr #ed not sherran #ed but not sheeran #ed bllog #eating disoder mention #tw ed #tw:ed #pixie talk

[doll-r-t]

Syverson helping you with your ED TW!!

You got diagnosed with atypical anorexia nervosa

Syverson had been noticing something different about you,

and how you got smaller and smaller,

But he did not know the extent,

You had always been good at hiding things, even from him 

You had grown up in a tough environment so you learned to guard yourself,

Syverson felt that something was wrong but he did not know what,

that was until he felt the ribs pocking out underneath your shirt,

the way you tried to avoid his touch, wearing oversized clothing,

The way your face had fallen in and your fingers becoming bone-y,

He had not noticed it before as you ate normal food, but just really small portions,

he thought you might not be hungry in the evening,

he was gone all day so he had no idea that you were not eating during the day,

Once Syverson found out about what was going on he would try and support you in any way he could,

You two realized early on that a food diary just made you worse, you felt like you were failing at being someone with an ED as you did not stop eating things that make you ‘fat’ but simple ate very little,

Syverson would get you flavored protein shakes for the days you could not bring yourself to eat solid food,

He made sure to be more at home and do more things with you,

like take you out for ice cream or plan a picnic, things like that,

Although it was not his fault, Syverson would feel responsible,

He had not seen it, how could he not notice his wife stopped eating? 

You could see in the early days of your recovery that it tore Syverson apart that he did not see it,

At one point it came to a boiling point and you both fought, Syverson had even thrown the scale-out of the window, 

but it was good you both had let everything out and finally could breathe again,

Syverson had cried, you had never really seen him cry like this,

asking for forgiveness as he thought he had failed you,

But you both talked it out and came up with a plan,

He respected your boundaries such as not wanting to be intimate with him currentley,

He made sure to always have the apartment warm, even though he was boiling,

You were freezing, often wearing two or three layers,

Syverson had bought you the warmest clothes he could find in hopes you would finally feel warm again, 

He gave you as much time as you needed for you to eat your food, made you small plates with your favorite fruits and vegetables in the morning and once you were able to eat this he added a small piece of bread to that,

He also brought you coffee in bed and made you fresh pressed orange juice,

You loved being taken care off by Sy, it gave you the mental room to work through whatever was going on with you,

He would also drive you to your therapist and pick you up again, 

He was kinda scared that you had outsmarted him and did not eat and then blackout and get into an accident and die and he would lose you and oh god he was going into a panic overthinking everything,

He just wanted to make sure you were okay, he needed that for his peace of mind.

You had ups and downs but Syverson was by your side and you slowly got better over time. It was going to be okay. 

To anyone struggling with an ED no matter what. I wish you nothing but the best and hope you get the help you need! I know what an ED is like, I battle my atypical anorexia nervosa every goddamn day. 

P.S. I wish I had a Sy who would throw out the scale through the window, I hate that thing and firmly believe we should not have them in our homes. (Unless you need them for health reasons ofc)

Sorry but I do not feel comfortable tagging anyone here as I do not know if this could be triggering to some!!

#captain syverson #captain syverson x reader #captain syverson x you #syverson x you #syverson x reader #henry cavill #Sand castle (movie) #tw:ed

[thatdoodlebug]

slippin into that ed feelin again

#hate that im happy to be below 7stone #tw:ed

[fat-ass-skank]

need

#tw:ed #slim #ana trigger #face #faceclaim #i need to be weightless #i will be weightless #tw ed implied #low cal restriction #thin$po #i wish i was weightless #ed not ed sheeran #i wanna be weightless #i want to be weightless #čumblr ed

[airasora]

#Eating disorder #Tw ed #Tw:ed

[sourappleghost]

03.26.23

tw:ed // ana vegan

what i ate today:

breakfast: 316cal, 9P/37C/15F 1 serv coconut Bloom greens (25) 1 tsp matcha powder (5) 120ml unsweetened almond milk (14) 1 mandarin (34) 1 Raaka coconut milk mini chocolate (40) 2 slices gf carbonaut bread (80) 15ml guac (25) 15ml CAVA trad. hummus (22) 1 serv Just Egg (70) Frank's Red Hot (0) lunch: 140cal, 15P/15C/5F 4.2 oz spring mix (27) 97ml cucumber (14) 4ml Badia whole trilogy health seeds (18) 1 serv Whole Foods plant-based burger (80) yellow mustard (0) lemon juice (0) red wine vinegar (0) black pepper (0) dinner: 486cal, 28P/58C/20F 320ml So Delicious unsweetened vanilla coconut yogurt (150) 1 single serv Kite Hill almond and soy greek yogurt (120) 36ml chocolate and peanut butter Catalina crunch (110) 146ml honeycrisp apple (76) ground cinnamon 1 Kuhne little barrel pickle (5) 3 Annie's birthday cake bunny grahams (15) 1 Whole Foods mini toast (10) snacks (throughout the day): 288cal, 24P/46C/5F 1 Ghost Warheads Sour Candy Apple energy drink (10) 1 Evolve Double Chocolate protein shake (140) 90ml frozen strawberries (32) 45ml frozen blueberries (26) 1 tsp Crazy Richards pure peanut powder (8) 5oz baby carrots (50) 1 tsp matcha powder (5) 15ml Nutpod, sweetened french vanilla 124ml unsweetened almond milk (15)

calorie totals:

active calories burned: 313cal, love walks <3 resting calories burned: 1262cal total caloric burn: 1575cal caloric intake: 1229cal, 75P/157C/45F net caloric intake: -346cal

weights:

21 / F / USA 5'5" / 165.1cm 96.4 lbs / 43.7kg bmi: 16.0 ------------ gw: 90 lbs / 40.8kg ugw: 85 lbs / 38.5kg lw: 94.6 lbs / 42.9kg sw: 120 lbs / 54.4kg hw: 140 lbs / 63.5kg

slow and steady has been winning the race recently, it prevents my binges and panic attacks but drops the number on the scale <3. stay safe! drink water! eat some fruit if you feel faint!

#tw:ed #wieiad #fooddiary #weightloss #proana #notprojustusingthetags #proedrecovery #ed #ana #vegan

[only-1-a]

Tfw you’re trying not to fall back into your old eating disorder (it’s been like 8 years ish), but also your mom’s food insecurity trauma is hoarding ALL THE FOOD, meanwhile my brain takes one look at a crowded fridge, immediately nopes out and here we are somewhere between not eating anything for dinner, or eating a whole bag of Halloween candy.

#tw:ed #i am aware these are both not great choices #but also the thought of digging through the fridge freezers or cupboard is a nope #i have tried researching the brain nope thing #google was not helpful