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mokutone · 11 months

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your art makes me wanna start testosterone

i can't read tone well, so this is either an incredibly touching ask, or an extremely funny one, and in the absence of confirmation: both!

i'm in a chatty mood, so i'll share some thoughts about testosterone and my art.

i liked being on testosterone a lot. i had an IM injection every two weeks (on tuesdays!) and because that's a sizeable dose every 14 days that slowly disperses, it can cause some mood fluctuations (every other friday i would have a crisis about not feeling like the world had a place for me in it) but even those were far more manageable than the ones that would come with my previous and current monthly hormone cycle (every month i spend a solid week thinking the world will never have a place for me in it)

It gave me a patchy little bit of scruff on my chin and a whispy mustache under my nose that still struggles on, despite adversity!

It redistributed my fat a little bit, but that's long since gone back to pre-T shape.

it lowered my voice! that hasn't changed :^)! even if i never go back on t, that won't change. it was the thing i most wanted, and its the one i'm most grateful for. Pre-T, I didn't speak much. I'm getting better and better at talking and getting more and more comfortable communicating with people because of it.

having been off t now for 3 years, i don't pass anymore—not as a cis man, or a cis woman, certainly not as anything approximating straight. if people look at me and see anything, i'd hazard a guess that they see me as A Queer (the noun—for all it's complicated connotations).

i'm not surprised that my art might make somebody want to start testosterone! a lot of my art was made out of the aching grief that came with being kicked off of testosterone, and how neatly that loss of autonomy over my own body knits in with yamato's loss of autonomy over his own.

how my body started doing things i disliked, how i didn't have the support necessary to access the healthcare i needed—how my inability to give myself what i needed made me feel as though i were trapped inside of myself and abandoned (by both myself and the world at large)

when i write comics about yamato as a trans man, i don't take away his testosterone, because that hits a little too close to home for me. for Ninja War Town Reasons, he has plenty of access to all the HRT he could ever need and nobody questions his need for it—instead, i project my own horrors onto the way Danzō defined his identity for him as a child, the way that Kabuto and Obito dehumanize him as an adult in their war efforts, and reduce him to the thing his body holds (the Mokuton). I give him a kneejerk compulsion to dehumanize himself (out of a feeling that he has a duty to his community to do so) and I give him a slow-growing resistance to that impulse (which comes out of a feeling that the people he loves would frown upon seeing him reduce himself like that)

it's dysphoria! it's not gender dysphoria, but it's a loss of self, and a need to reclaim it. it's a war between the hollow shell of a thing he thinks he has to be, and the vibrant and messy person beneath it that he is. it's a desperate need to say "this is who i am—only i can say it"

I enjoyed HRT a lot. it was a really useful tool in helping me feel like my body was my own, that i didn't have to fight it, that we were the same entity. It's not the only tool, but it was a really good one, and one day I hope to use it again.

(as for the being off of it—it's unpleasant, but i'm enduring! being somebody who now doesn't really pass as anything has put me in a weird and interesting position, where I'm constantly having to declare myself to people, because nobody knows what to make of me on any front. they don't know if i'm a man, a woman, nonbinary, nor even what age i am (Augh!!!!) it forces me to be brave and vulnerable more than I'm comfortable with—if I tell somebody I'm a man, there's no way that they will believe I'm cis, but I'm not about to recloset myself—and I don't think I could at this point anyway.)

(there's something fascinating about the position i find myself in, and while i'd leap back on t the moment that an opportunity presented itself to do so, i do feel like i'm experiencing something interesting and important in this weird zone i find myself in)

#yamswers #anonymous #dysphoria discussion #q slur — only because i literally use it in the noun form most associated w/ dehumanization #i love that u asked this on a tuesday. thank u for asking this on a tuesday #happy testosterone tuesday to all who celebrate #i also got top surgery a while ago—which is responsible for about 50% of my average suicidal idealizations vanishing #because my chest was my second biggest site of dysphoria after my voice #it was far less painful than i dared imagine. and far more satisfying. i had an excellent and lucky recovery #my results aren't perfect but oh man. the joy of being able to press my hand (flat) to my chest (flat).#the way that a binder mimics the exact squeeze around my lungs that a panic attack stimulates—#not feeling that when i'm out in public? thank you modern medicine. thank you. oh my god. no more false flag panic attacks #i had to fight my insurance for two years and all the health providers i contacted told me the hoops i was being made to jump through #seemed utterly ridiculous. and it was still gobs of money but i got it. so grateful u cannot even imagine #a lot of people describe their feelings post op as “relief—finally i could see myself”#but i experience...more delight than relief. joy. is joy the absence of pain or the presence of happiness? can i tell the difference?#on my worst days i can lay a hand on my heart. and i can lay a hand on my heart. and i can lay a hand on my heart. and i can lay a hand on

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pebblezone · 1 year

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She is soooo Living Dead Girl core

#hellsing #hellsing ultimate #seras victoria #a #okay I need to explain myself I started a journey last week to get world without logos on Apple Music which worked but before involved me #searching through hellsing playlists and one of them had dragula and I was omg wait rob zombie I’ve never given you the time of day that #ends now to which I listen to all of hellbilly deluxe and am like this is sooooo seras core my baby girl #so starting Monday I’m evening what cool drawing can I make so I can be like living dead girl core #also so on Instagram I can have it be the little jingle that was the main driving point #the important thing to note is I finished ultimate Tuesday and decided that I have to watch the abridge because it seems like #required reading so that same night I begin watching the abridge as I’m finalizing the sketch for this #next day comes I’m going ham and I hit the 7th episode and imagine my absolute horror to find they used it for her going ham #I’m unoriginal beyond reason and I’m very distressed about it that’s it I’ve bared my soul to the harsh harsh world #abridged makes me remember that cishets interact with media too

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scholastic-dragon · 1 year

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Happy Blurple Tuesday everyone, I have something in my brain and now you get to enjoy it.

@luna-neko-hamato thank you for making Tuesdays special again

Bay!Leo x Fem!reader x Bay!Donnie

I am Yours

Word Count: 1.5k

Warnings: poly relationship with Donnie and leo (NO TSCEST), smootches, steamy smootches, slightly jealous!Leo, talking through your emotions and problems!!!, spelling mistakes,

Summary: Leo's tired of hiding his side of the relationship

There were two things you never expected with your recent relationship. 1: it would be with two mutant vigilante turtles. And 2: that half of your relationship would have to be a secret.

All three of you had decided that part of your relationship would be kept a secret as to not overwhelm the family.

Leo and Donnie weren't thrilled with this idea, but they didn't want to rush things and were honestly a bit scared of what their brothers would say.

Donnie, bless his heart, couldn't hide his feelings for you, so you and him would openly date in front of the family.

No one was surprised and questioned further when you, Donnie, and Leo kept spending more time together.

On one occasion though, Raph had pulled Leo aside and told him to "cool it" with you. It was a sweet gesture and one that the three of you had thoroughly laughed at.

It's not that you didn't trust his family, but this was a very big decision and you wanted to find the right way to tell them and make sure they knew you were all serious about each other.

Leo, for the first few weeks, was alright with this. Sure, sometimes a sting or prick of jealousy would strike, but it went away every night when you'd snuggle up in bed with him and whisper soft "I love you's" until you fell asleep.

That all came to a screeching halt six months into your relationship when the boys were getting another medal of honor from the police station and you had been invited as Donnie's plus one.

Leo watched you from across the room, his chest tight as Donnie had a protective arm around your shoulders, holding you against his side.

Now, he wasn't jealous of Donnie, just the fact that he wasn't a part of the conversation. He had to keep his distance, watch his moves. It was already hard enough to take you out in public and Leo had to treat it like a mission.

Maybe it was the wine, or him overhearing a cop call you "Donnie's girl" or maybe it was the gorgeous floor length plum gown you had on.

Whatever the cause, he couldn't stop himself from teasing. When you were chatting with April by one of the food tables, he came up behind you. Pretending to scoot around you toward the drinks table, his hand skimmed your lower back, fingers dipping just above your ass.

"Excuse me," Was his breathy, low reply against the shell of your ear. You cleared your throat, willing the blush on your neck to not be very noticeable to April.

"Anyway, tell me about this new report you're writing," You quickly turned back to April with a smile, running your hand across the back of you ear.

Next, as you were getting a drink at the bar he came up behind you, reaching over and handing it to you with a warm smile.

"Thank you," You had such a beautiful smile, and the way your eyes glittered in the dim lighting of the room had his chest in knots.

Your fingers skimmed across his hand as you took the glass. He felt the urge to kiss you right then and there, but he knew he couldn't.

"Are you alright?" You licked the drink from your lips, looking up at him with big eyes.

"You're driving me insane," He heaved, chucking.

You giggled softly, looking around to make sure no one was watching before whispering. "Is it the dress?"

"It might be," if you wanted to joke, he would play along, this might be his last chance to talk to you alone before everyone went home in a few hours.

"Then you're really gonna hate my underwear," Oh how his knees trembled and his heart pounded. He swallowed hard, having to look away from your eyes as he tries to collect his thoughts.

"Y/n, Leo," Donnie called from a few feet away, he came over to the pair of you. "They're getting ready to start the ceremony,"

"Alright," You smiled at both of them, taking Donnie's hand and letting him lead you to the table.

You sat between Leo and Donnie, his brothers arm was resting on the back of your chair, his hand tracing up and down your bare shoulder.

Thankfully the tables had long cloths over them, and they were sitting in the back as Chief Vincent gave a speech on the boys bravery.

Leo tucked his hand under the table and rested in on your thigh, close to your knee. You stiffened for a moment, then he felt your small fingers trace his large ones.

His hand didn't move until he had to stand and get his award.

After the medals and dinner was officially served, you snuck away to the bathroom.

It was stupid fancy, which matched the large venue that the station had rented out for the night.

You pulled your dress up and fixed a few lose strands of hair when there was a knock at the door.

"Occupied!" You shouted, jumping when the door opened and Leo slipped inside.

You turned to face him, raising a brow. "What are you-"

He rushed forward, hands cupping your face, kissing you firmly. You squeaked in surprise, hands flying to his plastron, which was covered by a thin white button one. He stepped forward until you were pressed against the bathroom sink, his lips never leaving yours.

He pulled away, hands still on your face, both of you panting heavily.

"What's gotten into you?" You gasp, licking your lips.

"I told you, you drive me insane," He kissed you again, this time licking the seam of your lips, you opened your mouth and allowed him to take the lead. His tounge roamed your mouth as if it were his first time experiencing it, like he wanted to remember every detail.

You tried to pull back, but he kept going forward. "What....hmmmm...the others are outside...."

"Donnie's standing watch," He mumbles against your lips.

Just to push his buttons, you nipped his bottom lip, wrapping your tounge around his and sucking gently.

Again you pulled away breathlessly. "Believe me when I say I am not complaining, but what's going on, Lee?" You knew something was wrong, he'd been off all evening and he would never do something like this in such a busy place.

"I miss you," He mumbled, one hand traveling to your hair, massaging your scalp.

"And?" You prompt, running your hands up and down his arms.

He leaned in close, pressing his forehead to yours. "I don't want you to forget me," He said it so softly you were sure you misheard him.

"Forget you? Honey, what are you talking about?"

He sighed. "I know this is what we agreed to, but I hate being on the sidelines, I wanna take you to stupid parties like these and have you on my arm and introduce you as my girlfriend. I'm afraid you'll realize you don't want me because I can't treat you the way Donnie does,"

You move his hands from your hair and face, kissing his knuckles and squeezing them. "You are both the loves of my lives, I want you both. Why do you think Donnie treats me different?"

"Donnie can show you off, we can't go into public ever, and he's showing you off and talking you up. He treats you the way you deserve and I have to watch every move I make so the others don't find out," he looks down to your lap, sighing heavily, it's clear this has been weighing him down for some time.

"Then this changes tonight," He glances up at you. "Well talk to Donnie tonight, and if he agrees, we'll tell our family tomorrow amd we won't have to hide."

"What?" He whispers.

"I don't want you feeling like this, my love, you shouldn't feel like this in your own relationship-"

"No, no," He interrupts with a quiet laugh. "I heard you, I just was surprised,"

"By what?"

"You said 'our family' like you, mine and Donnie's," A large grin broke out across his face.

"You are my family. You and Donnie. I am yours," You press a firm kiss for every word on his plump lips, letting go of his hands to cup his cheeks. "No more secrets after tonight, okay?"

"Okay," He nuzzles into your palms, enjoying the attention and warmth.

Three quick knocks to the door scared you both, you jumped slightly, Leo smiled softly. "That's the signal, you want to go out first?"

You laughed, pushing him back and fixing your dress. "Depends, does it look like I just made out with my boyfriends brother?"

You both shared a laugh. "No, looks like you kissed your boyfriend,"

He kissed you one last time as you opened the door and walked out, going back toward the table.

Leo waited a few minutes before leaving, seeing Donnie was still leaning against the hallway.

"Feeling better?" He asked, looking back at him.

Leo nodded. "Yes, ok, Don, you were right, talking about it did help," He laughed, standing at his brother's side. "You think the others will be okay with us telling them?"

Donnie thought for a moment, staring off, seeing you laughing and chatting with Mikey and Master Splinter.

"Yeah, I think everything is going to be just fine,"

tags: @thelaundrybitch @turtle-babe83 @happymoonangel @saspas-corner @strawberrycakeblog @sketch-and-write-lover @sharpwindow @post-apocalyptic-daydream @dilucsflame33

#happy blurple tuesday #blurple #its blurple time bitches #gah i love these boys #wingman donnie coming through #apparently its just a day for jealously #thank god its not toxic though #tmnt #tmnt bayverse #tmnt donnie #tmnt leo #tmnt donnie x reader #tmnt leo x reader #tmnt leonardo x reader #tmnt donatello x reader #it is my works

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veone · 4 months

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@skaterboisims i could kiss you for theses!!

#gonna do a proper edit one day to truely let these shin #i love the surface wires!#ts4 #simblr #concepts for yuka i keep changing this women face i'm sorry #my sims #she has been through hell but its a normal tuesday

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skitskatdacat63 · 7 months

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“Amore et Timore” - King Fernando I “El Animoso”

#*why is it that when I write tags that are genuinely imporant and wordy it always doesnt save UGH #well. ill try and rewrite them.#hahaha I bring you curly haired king Fernando!!(mostly for cofi)#2011 monza gp core Fernando that gripped us all by the throat right?? right????#also i hope that his hair doesn't appear red to you like it did to me on my pc??? its brown I assure you #anyways! historical context for nerds like me:#'el animoso'(the spirited) comes from Philip V of course #it was apparently bestowed on him bcs of his perseverance and unwavering fervor in battle #and is that not the most Fernando coded thing youve ever heard?????#'Amore et Timore'(through love and fear) however comes from Joseph I #whom seb is partially based on but i thought his Latin motto fit Nando way better so here we are #philip v didn't have a motto as far as i could tell so that's why I stole Joseph's #but i do think the motto for the Spanish kingdom fits Fernando's career pretty well?#'A solis ortu usque ad occasum'(from sunrise to sunset) and i think that suits Fernando's 'longest f1 career ever' p well #anyways I sent a sketch of this to cofi the other day like yeah I probably wont finish this #and now here i am on 5 am on a tuesday grinning manically sleep deprived like HERE YOU GO #i think he looks very cute in this!!! i really did a lot of work on his eyelashes...very important detail to me #he kinda accidentally looks like Louis XIV unfortunately #but thats down to his hair I think. it looks a lot more like the traditional wig style from then compared to what I typically draw #but god imagine being seb in this au!!! you get to wake up next to this majestic beast....#seb would have this painting framed over his bed or something. i mean who wouldn't????#f1 #formula 1 #fernando alonso #f1 fanart #formula 1 fanart #catie.art.#boy king au

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hippolotamus · 8 months

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Tease Tidbit Tuesday 🍾

Tagged by the devastatingly talented @wikiangela @daffi-990 Thank you, loves 💖

Continuing on in you're where I wanna go (prev snippets here). Buck and Lucy survived their big day and I needed them to have a moment to unwind. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it.

Buck steps out of the way, narrowly avoiding Lucy as she pushes past him towards a bottle of champagne he hadn’t noticed before. She lifts it from the tub of ice perched on a bar cart and holds it up victoriously, like she’s won a trophy. “Well, Buckley.” Lucy lands on the couch in an inelegant heap that makes Buck snort. When she settles, she rests the champagne next to her and begins pulling at her laces until they’re loose enough that she can kick her boots off. “You want to get the glasses or just share?” Years of etiquette lessons — coupled with dinners, luncheons and parties where he needed to know which fork was for salad and which spoon was for sorbet — make him want to retrieve the two champagne flutes nestled next to the ice bucket. But then he realizes he doesn’t have to. It’s him and Lucy, who just offered to share the bottle between them. No one else is there to judge or shame him. “You know, you’re a Buckley now, too,” Buck teases. He quickly snatches up the bottle and begins to twist the muselet. “Only on paper,” she reminds him. “I hope you know what you’re doing with that thing.” Buck huffs a laugh while he continues uncorking the champagne. “You think I never swiped one of these from a party or two?” His face splits into a wide grin when he manages to remove the cork and not spill any of it. “I’ll even let you have the first sip, because I am a gentleman.” “Ohhh, is that what you are?” Lucy smirks, accepts the offer, and takes a lengthy sip. When she’s done, she lowers the bottle, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. “At least as much of one as you are a lady,” he counters.

No pressure tagging @shortsighted-owl @eddiebabygirldiaz @stereopticons @elvensorceress @giddyupbuck mi amor @disasterbuckdiaz @monsterrae1 @spotsandsocks @mysteriouslyyounggalaxy @eddiediaztho @thewolvesof1998 @forthewolves @chaosandwolves @wildlife4life @heartshapedvows @loserdiaz @your-catfish-friend @statueinthestone @buddierights @911onabc @hoodie-buck @the-likesofus @fionaswhvre @barbiediaz @eowon @ladydorian05 @apothecarose @vanillahigh00 @rmd-writes @welcometololaland LOML @lizzie-bennetdarcy @spaceprincessem @honestlydarkprincess @pirrusstuff @steadfastsaturnsrings @jesuisici33 @watchyourbuck and anyone else who wants to (please tag me in your snippets if you decide to so i can admire your work!)

#listen #these two are doing what they had to #they made it through their big day #they survived buck's mom #they deserve to be a little dumb and silly #queerplatonic relationship #lavender marriage #historical au #buddie wip #tease tidbit tuesday #fic: you’re where i wanna go #also #somehow this is nearly at 18k #and we're barely 2 main chapters deep #i'm proud astounded and baffled #hippo writes

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eyrieofsynapses · 18 hours

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ok so I started listening to Where the Stars Fell on, uh, *checks Spotify history* ohfuckthat'smorerecentthanIthought Tuesday.

Friday, current status: nineteenth episode done. the emotional shit has been kicked out of me and the kicker moved on to my heart. everything's fine

#... EVERYTHING IS FINE.#anyway in all seriousness I'm genuinely very grateful for having run across this rn. I'm dealing with a lot of stressful stuff and this is #doing a very good job of taking my mind off it and giving me something new to obsess over for a bit. also it is VERY GOOD.#where the stars fell #synapse talks #ok also I legitimately thought I'd started this on Sunday??? I did. um. I didn't realize how fast I binged this #fucking Tuesday. insane. untrue. I did not go through all that in four days wtf that's Incorrect

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laufire · 8 months

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me, at any given time, reading comics: the writers should've killed that child.

me, a hypocrite, (re)reading "a death in the family": but not that one 😢

#this is about the latest gotham war issue and about monstress in general #but also i did reread aditf just a few days ago lol #i mean as a tragedy + resurrection + vengeful victims enthusiast ultimately I'm into what aditf gave us #could do without all the victim blaming it put us through as well though...#but the main point is that the child in catwoman 58 should have died #but ig we can't have actual damning consequences to bruce's actions lol #talking to the void #my thoughts #tuesday spoilers #jic #fandom nonsense #dc #dc comics #jason todd #favourites: the walking dead #batman/catwoman: the gotham war #monstress

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allylikethecat · 2 months

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Chapters: 5/6 Fandom: The 1975 (Band) Rating: Not Rated Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: George Daniel/Matthew Healy Characters: George Daniel, Matthew Healy, Original Female Character(s), Original Male Character(s), Original Child Character(s) Additional Tags: Christmas, Meeting the Parents, Angst and Hurt/Comfort Series: Part 4 of The Infection 'Verse Summary:

“Yeah,” said Matty, pulling his hand away from George’s to run it through his hair. If there was one thing he was good at, it was doubling down, even if usually that just made it worse.

“Christmas, what are your plans for Christmas?” Matty swallowed hard, feeling very small all of a sudden and like he was baring a piece of his soul, “because I would very much like to spend it together.”

“Oh,” said George and Matty wanted to die right then and there.

AKA The Christmas Fic™️

#allylikethecat #Happy Tuesday!#the Christmas fic #It's Christmas #The Infection Fic Verse #The infection verse fic #the infection verse #infection verse fic #infection fic verse #infection verse #its finally almost done!!#thank you so much for all of the patience and support as we worked through this one #wow has it taken much longer and also ended up much longer than initially planned #also fun fact this part five is totally different from the one i had outlined #fictional!Matty went em no and then went rogue and just decided he was gonna do his own thing #so here is his and fictional!george's own thing #fictional!george is such an enabler #can you imagine if after all that the last few days this wasnt the fic i updated lol #also i really hope i dont let anyone down #im worried i got too excited and over hyped this #please let me know your thoughts #and thank you for being so kind and patient and supportive #i appreciate it more than you know!

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lonelysucker7 · 6 months

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Strangers on a Train

⚫️🔴 Chapter 3

Pairing: Kaine Parker x gn!Reader

Summary: You’re just an average person making their daily living, surviving adulthood as it is. You live in Houston, Texas where even the hero the Scarlet Spider lives. And then there’s a guy, who looks like he’s gone through hell, on a train you’re crushing on.

Word count: 3.2k

Warnings: Angst?, (brief) mentions of death, Reader gets spooked

Enjoy!! 😊

⚫️🔴⚫️🔴⚫️🔴⚫️🔴⚫️🔴⚫️🔴⚫️🔴⚫️🔴

“Oh geez do you need me to come over?!”

“No. It’s too dangerous to be out this late. I’m actually freaked out, so don’t. Your safety over mine okay?” You stated firmly, avoiding any hints of fear voicing into them.

On the other end of the phone, you could pick up a tinge of anxiety from Bethany’s breath. A faint clink of a glass setting on the table. Then a defeated sigh.

“…If you say so. Wanna tell me what happened here instead?”

Even though she couldn’t see, you shook your head as you pulled the blanket of your bed closer to your chest and replied

“Don’t really feel like it.”

“No worries, I get it.”

Another deadpan sigh came from you both, but it was followed by a brief chuckle from Bethany.

“Too bad our favorite bar got shut down. For situations like these, the instinct of planning to take you there is just sudden.”

“Drown out the worries with booze. Definitely a better way to spend the night.” You wistfully agreed. A nice bar that wasn’t too far from both your homes, very quaint. One of a kind taken away from this city at an unprecedented time. Well you couldn’t really excuse the mold growing on the walls so it had to happen.

“There’s another place I know that serves great drinks, but…” She began.

“But what?”

“That’s not important right now! We’ll save the drinks for another important time. Are you feeling better? Still want me to head over there?” She brushed away her previous comment replacing it with concern, and you instantly replied to assure her

“Feeling better? Somewhat. Come here? Still no. I appreciate it though. Not a big deal.”

“Liar,” she accused.

You pushed out a small forced laugh out of you, moving up the bed to press your back on the headboard. You stared past the curtains and eyed the moon with a scowl. Rubbing a hand over your eyes, you continued lightly

“I’m fine. Listen, I’m tired and I’ll send a quick message excusing my absence tomorrow and call it a day. I’ll explain more about what happened when I get back. Sounds good?”

With a disappointed groan on the other end, Bethany didn’t insist more and accepted the end of the conversation.

“Yeah, don’t worry about it. If things get bad, call me.”

“Sure…” You paused when another thought came up. And you rolled your eyes.

“I just realized I won't get to see Mr. Stranger tomorrow.” A wheezing sound of a laugh echoed from the phone.

“What’s that supposed to mean? Were you gonna do it? Talk? Ahh, tough luck there. Next time then.” She chuckled.

With the final goodbye, your brief call with Bethany ended. A pained expression crossed your face as the realization sat down. It's not like you officially declared to see him tomorrow but the feeling was very strong. And now you blew it.

You grabbed your phone from your lap and exited out your contacts. Miraculously in all that commotion from the alleyway, your phone managed to stick with you through all of the action. It didn’t apply the same to your duffel bag or the taser and you prayed for the possibility it might be returned to you.

Outside the crickets of the apartment chirped with a delight you couldn’t tolerate much. Every creak of some floorboard from an upstairs or downstairs neighbor kept you on edge. The wind outside felt still and an uncomfortable chill creeped up on your body. A slow breath was exhaled from your lips.

You were scared.

Whatever was out there felt closer than ever, and pushing Bethany away from coming here felt right. At least she was going to be safe. Regardless, it felt like the most regretful and stupid decision to ever make. Your body craved a warm hug.

Pulling up an empty email you began to type the words explaining your abrupt absence to your boss. At the same time your mind kept going back to the moment the Scarlet Spider saved you.

Had he not been there, the end was just at your doorstep. Taking your right hand off your phone, you reached behind your lower back and rubbed your fingertips where his hand had laid. You wondered if he knew his own strength because you could feel a bruise beginning to form there. Whatever creature it was that he saw prompted his grip to be aggressive.

It was possible to sue a hero. Wouldn’t hurt to get a couple bucks out of him to pay the rent—

“Intrusive thoughts coming in hot,” you mumbled with a frown as you began typing again.

A part of you wished he had walked you home, though with his stick-up-the-ass attitude from the morning news certainly didn’t guarantee that treatment.

Nevertheless it was enough. It would be a shame asking for more knowing it was a lot for a guy who simply did the right thing.

You faintly remember being caught by surprise by both the carefulness his voice gave off and the manner he put you down. He felt safe.

Click click click tap!

Sending the email off, you checked the time reading it to be still an early hour. No matter, the event left you tired and you let your body sink further down the mattress.

Reaching over to place your phone next to your desk, you hesitated turning off the light. Quickly you killed the lights as you pulled the chain, swiftly retrieving your shaking hand back under the blankets.

In the darkness now everything felt vivid. Shadows darkened, save for the light shining from the full moon. Beeping cars made you jumpy. You crumpled into a ball, covering your peripheral view with the blanket.

The weight of sleepiness grew heavier on your eyelids and slowly you fell asleep.

………………………………………………………………………….

The night ended up becoming a dreary one, in which your neighbors from downstairs came rushing to your door after screaming was heard from your apartment.

What a bad time to be alone.

You apologized for the disturbance and the sight of your drenched sweat appearance.

Over and over again the screeching noises from the alleyway haunted your dreams. It kept up for most of the night till the morning, and rushing to the bathroom to throw up was just the worst part about it.

Thank god your boss gave you the day off, otherwise you would’ve been working like a zombie in hell.

You didn’t eat much as you hardly had any energy to cook anything, instead ordering pizza as an alternative breakfast. And that’s how you spent your day. Indoors.

You tensed as you saw the news regarding three murders from last night. Could they have been connected to you? You weren’t too sure.

Then you watched the time your train was supposed to pick you up and imagined a possible conversation going on between you and the stranger. Could have ended with his number by the end of the ride.

With that thought in mind, you moped around the apartment dreading every step. Tomorrow would have to be then and you were determined for it to happen.

But as night fell once again, your nightmares resumed and this time bloodier than ever. Everyone you knew were with you, cornered in that darkness. The stranger making a startling appearance. And you died. Bethany died. He died. The Scarlet Spider died—

A sudden car brake was heard and multiple beeps woke you up.

“HEY! WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING STUPID!”

A driver from behind the wheel furiously yelled his rage at you the moment you were about to cross the street. Stepping back onto the sidewalk from the main road, you saw their car swerve away with a mean screech. You blew out a shaky breath.

Today you headed back to work. It was just you, your uniform, no duffle bag and an extra baggage of exhaustion. The only thing keeping your motivations high was your mission in mind. When you arrived at the station, you were trying to be careful where you walked. People gave you looks as you accidentally bumped into them in line to get your ticket.

Once that was done, you leaned on a street pole, fingers tapping impatiently on your crossed arms waiting for the train.

The train arrived sooner than later, and your eagerness made you rush inside the cart more than anyone else. Instead of paying attention to finding a seat, your sights were set on the strangers' regular seating.

“Aw damn.” You murmured as your nerves vanished, replaced with a bitter sigh.

He was not.

Stepping closer, you eyes scanned every torn rusted seat from that area hoping not to miss a glimpse. Nope. Your foolish mind expected too much.

You slumped in an empty seat dejected, seeing someone else there instead of him. Maybe he skipped today's train for another. After all, it was crowded today, half listening to some people arguing for a seat on the other part of the train. It made your headache throb loudly.

Your mood soured, eyes drooping down to the ground with a frown. Now you wanted to get the day over with.

Whatever you rehearsed in the mirror from this morning began to dissipate and become nothing. The rattling of the train caused your mind to feel heavy and dizzy once it started moving. To work it is then.

“Excuse me, would it be okay if we switched seats? All the seats were taken.”

Your eyes drifted upwards to a young pregnant woman politely smiling at a random man seated in front of you. She was holding onto a pole trying to avoid falling from the bumps the train made. The man snickers.

“You’re doing fine. My stop isn’t far. You can wait.”

The man crossed his legs comfortably, smugly adjusting himself even more to the seat to emphasize his position. The woman’s smile strained slightly, putting her hand securely on her belly.

What a bastard, you thought annoyed. Grabbing onto a pole to stand, you made your way to the woman.

“Ma’am, you can take my seat. Here let me just…” Offering your hand to steady her, you moved the woman between people and set her down your seat. Your exhausted smile made its way to your lips as she graciously thanked you.

Shooting a hateful glance at the man, you made your way back to the pole the woman held. The movement rushed blood up your head quickly and you felt as if your body phased out for a second.

Regret started bubbling your way in your chest as the amount of people around you crossed your bubble space. At least the woman was okay now. Feeling lightheaded you pressed a cheek onto the cool metal as your eyes closed from the weariness you carried. You sighed, relaxing slightly.

“You beat me to it.” A low voice spoke next to you. You snapped your eyes open and processed those words for a minute. Maybe it was just your drowsy attitude kicking in that made you react such a way. But the comment annoyed you somehow. What the heck were they saying? You shook your head turning as your slightly glazed eyes narrowed.

“It wasn’t a competition to begin wi—”

Your hand tightened around the pole. Staring down at the person like a deer in the headlights, you didn’t think twice about your next words.

“It’s you.”

The stranger was here.

He wore his usual attire, the scars on his face looking more bolder, darker than just a few days prior. It almost made you laugh watching him appear just as uncomfortable as you with the amount of people except he was sitting on a seat between two people while you stood. He tightened his crossed arms to provide some sort of space for himself. His brown eyes stared up at you with a confused expression, and he shrugged.

“What about it?”

Your heart beat faster and cleared your throat. Suddenly the universe was likely telling you to go for it. Take the opportunity! You pushed your nerves down and a dumb grin spread on your face. You leaned on the pole adjusting your stance to a casual one.

“N-Nothing. It’s just that… You tend to sit over there.” Your thumb jerked at the direction on your right, to the corner where the other man was. He followed your gaze, returning it back to you with a raised brow.

“I see. I just… I got on late.” He seems to recount a memory plastering a scowl on his face. You nodded, feeling proud the conversation was going on a good start and smiled. Sure he started it, but you give yourself some credit avoiding acting like a mess.

Looking around the crowded people, you comment with a genuine note of optimism in your tone, “But you managed to get a seat. That’s good.”

“Sure.” He nods a little absentmindedly, his eyes hardening slightly as he side glances the two people on either side of him again.

“Came at a cost though.” His nose wrinkled slightly, the putrid smell of cigarette wafting in the air as a teenager next to him opened a backpack. The stranger shakes his head, muttering, “Kids these days.”

You cough up a chuckle at his criticism, bringing up a hand up your nose to rub the smell away. For a moment the stranger also smirks with you, shaking his head even more visibly.

“It’s not that funny.” He grumbled, bringing up a gloved hand to brush off the ashes that fell on his black jacket. You sighed, raising your hands up in the air. Glancing back at his original seating you comment a little playfully.

“If you’d arrived on time, chances were high to get your seat on this train. It’s after all, a popular route.”

The man blows a quiet breath. He frowns.

“I know. But it’s not exactly common to be taken with amusement.”

“Truth be told, I still think it's a less pessimistic way of processing the situation.” You ruefully said in defense with a half smile. The man’s eyes flickered darkly past his rather long lashes. He scoffs.

“As if there wasn’t a tomorrow.” He snarks sarcastically. His leg crosses over the other, beginning to bounce impatiently with a serious but blank expression. He was certainly hard to read. But nevertheless gave very interesting responses. The two of you fell silent along with the silence the train was carrying since you entered.

“So… you’re headed somewhere?” You asked lightly. Hopefully that didn’t sound too intruding. The man tilts his head back checking out the window. It’s about a minute of silence he doesn’t answer back. Blinking slightly from the sunlight peering, he finally answers

“…Work.” His left hand flexes slightly on his arms. Before you can ask what he works his eyes bring his attention back to you. He nods his chin at you.

“You’re usually carrying a duffel bag aren’t you? For… work?”

Reflexively your hands reach where your duffel bag would’ve been, though they grab at nothing. It’s not surprising he knew. Besides how many people have you bumped with that bag? You smile a little, nodding nonchalantly as you say

“Yeah. There was, uh, an inconvenience I had regarding my bag. I don’t carry much, just my lunch…” You drift off, unsure how to continue that part. Was it too personal what you were revealing?

“I’m guessing you’re what people call being ‘extra?’” He questions with a perplexed look. Extra? The words in your mouth jumbled slightly as you gave him a caught off guard look. Very interesting indeed.

“As in matter of fact, yes. A-And besides! I like having extra space.” You haughtily nodded giving him a half smirk.

“For what?” He presses. You could tell this started to intrigue him more by the tone of interest his questions gave off. Even his body language seemed less tense indicated by his attentive stare and the stiffness of his arms much loose than earlier. You smiled at him almost smugly as you answer,

“That’s private.”

He hums, leaning back in his seat. “Fair enough. Though, I think your appetite is pretty exaggerated to be carried in a duffel bag.” He points out with a raised eyebrow. “That’s why backpacks exist.” He added. You can’t help but cringe inside the poor banter of an answer you just told just to get an answer like that. Nice.

“I don’t carry drugs if you’re thinking that.” You mumbled. An unusual knowing smirk plays on his lips.

The train makes a turn on one of the tracks and you both scrunch your shoulders at the sound of the screeching rails. Your hand reached to your temples rubbing gently as the noise of the crowd around you felt louder with your headache.

“Rough night?” The stranger notes. You hum a response, nodding curtly as you thin out your lips.

“Yeah. Didn’t get enough sleep. Something keeps bothering me, that's all.”

“Bothering you? Like what?” He asks suddenly. Deep down you suddenly feel flattered. Though it’s probably nothing too big, just concern for your obvious pained sight. You bluntly sigh.

“Would you want to know?”

“Wouldn’t be asking now.” He replied simply.

“…Fine.” You pressed your forehead against the cool pole, squeezing your eyes shut as the pain kept throbbing. A feeling of unease suddenly caused your stomach to churn inside.

“Remember how I said I had an inconvenience with my duffel bag?” You asked him, expecting he’d understand. You crack open an eye to see the man scratch his stubble, lowering his eyes as he nodded. He sits his hand down to his lap interlocking it with the other.

“…Yeah?”

Well… here goes.

“In short, I got attacked two days ago. I lost it. And now… I get these nightmares. Scary ones. They just don’t seem to stop.” You paused for a moment, your lips parted slightly as you try to look for your words and let him process that. His eyes are still staring at the ground.

“…And you’re still scared?” He asks softly. You tense slightly. Dumb question for an obvious answer.

“Yeah.”

Should I mention I watched you die?!

The throb of your headache becomes more apparent as you start feeling dizzy, holding on tighter to the pole.

“I just…I want them to stop.” You confessed solemnly as you pulled your head away. Feeling the mood to be a little tense, you try to laugh it off a bit.

“I mean look at me: I look like a zombie! I’m going to scare some people away.” You motion a finger around your eyes with a grin.

The stranger doesn’t smile nor look at you, suddenly going quiet. A rather strange look crosses his face. His hands start shaking as they’re slightly wringing against each other. You can’t tell if it’s shame or bitterness but it’s in between, and he suddenly blurts out

“I’m sorry.” A form of shame was weighed in those words. Concerned, you take a step forward towards him stretching out a hand.

“Hey, are you alright—?”

Before you can ask what was wrong, the announcement dinged out of nowhere startling you both. The stranger suddenly stands from his seat and you don’t fail to notice a bead of sweat falling down his forehead onto his jacket.

But you stared up at his tall stature, practically towering over yours. You held your breath, watching him lean down a little closer to you. Dark eyes held an intense gaze you swore his pupils almost dilated. You met his eye as he quickly mutters

“Take my seat. Before anyone else does.”

He doesn’t give you another look, watching him pass by you swiftly, shoving people aside to exit out of the door. Startled, you moved your neck upwards around trying to get another view of his figure from the windows, but the crowd practically pushed you back.

Dude, come back! Your mind shouted.

A wave of disappointment for the short time jabbed you on the chest. If it wasn't for your damn sleep deprivation you could have at least uttered out another word. A ‘goodbye’ maybe… something!

Not only you couldn’t process what happened or why he left so abruptly, you glared up at the sign of the train stop. Your jaw slackened as you realized:

It wasn’t even his! Why… why?!

A new crowd was coming in the train, and you snapped out of your dizzied state immediately sitting down on his seat. A sense of overwhelmness washes over you. No number today either.

I was this close… so close! You mentally mourned, clutching your thigh. Mission failed. You’ll get it next time.

You did something wrong, you can’t help but think of that. At least you didn’t tell him he died in your nightmares. What excuse would you have told him about that creepy thought he’d be in your mind at night?

The train started to move again at its normal speed, shaking you slightly in your seat. Speaking of which….

You couldn’t help but notice it was warm.

………………………………………………………………………….

When you arrived at the museum, Bethany waited for you outside with a sort of bag next to her. You recognized it by the pins on the bag.

“That’s… that’s my duffel bag! H-how? Who brought it?” You exclaimed, rushing up the stairs carefully as possible.

Bethany harrumphed, crossing her arms.

“Well good morning to you too, and two things: why is this here and why do you look like shit?”

Giving Bethany a side hug, you wave your hand dismissively saying, “I’ll explain the second part later. But about my bag… I lost it a couple days ago.”

“Well, lucky for you coincidentally it looks like someone brought it this morning because it wasn’t here yesterday.”

Bethany stepped back as she let you retrieve your bag. Unzipping it you checked the contents inside to make sure nothing felt like it was missing. Old pamphlets from previous exhibitions were crumpled up near the bottom, your box of gum, a picture of your family, your contact cards, and the taser thank god. Seemed everything was there.

Except with the new addition of a couple fruit snacks, chips and Mexican lollipops.

Odd.

“Who brought it?” You asked a bit anxiously. There was no sign of a note letting them know who it was. Bethany shrugs, bending down to take one of the spicy lollipops out of the bag.

“That’s the funny part. I don’t know.”

“Did you check the cameras?” You inquired.

“Even more funnier,” she mused, popping the sweet in her mouth. “They’re broken.”

Broken? Confusion along with your headache makes you want to throw up. There were too many surprises and too many things to comprehend all at once today. Your mind wracks thinking hard who could have brought it.

And you have no idea.

⚫️🔴⚫️🔴⚫️🔴⚫️🔴⚫️🔴⚫️🔴⚫️🔴⚫️🔴

12/13/23

Well… that didn’t go as expected.

Hello once again… I apologize for the delay.

When you got finals kicking your ass you gotta do what you gotta do. But! I am back and ready as ever, cause welcome winter break!

So now that you met the man himself… just wait till you see the next chapter. I think it’s gonna hurt a little (and I apologize in advance.) Its gonna be all on a train. Trust me.

Without a further ado, same time next week? Maybe? I don’t know. Thanks for reading!! ☺️

—LonelySucker7

Next: Chapter 4

Previously: Chapter 2

#writers on tumblr #writers of tumblr #kaine parker x reader #fanfic #Tuesday was NOT my day #angst #nightmares #the plot isn’t going where I originally had intended grrrr #Also meeting strangers can be awkward as heck so it’s going to be awkward #Can I count this as a mystery fic?#Kaine’s voice is kinda hard when he doesn’t normally get normal conversations #kaine parker #Kaine doesn’t talk a lot or does he?#Gotta run through his stories. It’s a must!#Kaine Parker x gn!reader #strangers on a train #(ps. if you think Kaine saying ‘extra’ is weird who do you think taught him that wink wink.)

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