#trying to share hurt vulnerable parts of myself to help them and connect with them.

[msilwrites]

Sequel to: ASCENT - Defying Desire (ODD WOMEN Series) a 3AM update - FIVE

A/N: Well, I’ve got some ideas, so... why not? Well, here we are with a chapter that delves into the backgrounds of our characters, Kieran and Sage. It's an opportunity for us to get to know them better. Oh, and a quick spoiler alert for those who have read "DARK KNIGHT" - keep an eye out for a familiar moment when you reach that part in the story. Enjoy the chapter! Defying Desire

FIVE

Sage paced back and forth in her living room, her mind consumed with regret. The events of the evening replayed in her thoughts, and she couldn't shake off the feeling that she had made a mistake. She had let fear and uncertainty guide her actions, and now she found herself questioning her choices.

As her mind raced, a flashback took her back to the night she had spent with Kieran. They had shared a delightful evening together, filled with laughter, genuine conversation, and a connection that seemed to grow stronger with each passing moment. But when the night drew to a close, Kieran had made it clear that he wanted to date her, not rush into a physical relationship.

Sage, being the self-doubting person she was, had let her insecurities take hold. She didn't want Kieran to see her vulnerabilities, to witness her true self. And so, with a mix of cowardice and misguided intentions, she had asked Kieran's driver to drop her off in front of a townhouse a few blocks away from her actual home.

In her heart, she knew it was a foolish decision. Why had she pretended that her home was closer than it actually was? Perhaps it was her fear of being seen for who she truly was, her fear of letting someone into her life and revealing her flaws. She hadn't even given Kieran her business card or phone number, only her name.

Now, in the solitude of her home, regret gnawed at her. She realized that she might have missed an opportunity to let someone in, to explore a potential connection with a remarkable man like Kieran. The weight of her decision settled heavily upon her shoulders, and she couldn't help but wonder what could have been if she had been braver, more open to the possibilities.

But then Sage's thoughts took a sharp turn, and she couldn't help but entertain a different perspective. She reminded herself of the similarities between Kieran and some of her previous partners. They had all started off nice and charming, just like Kieran. They had charmed her, made her feel special, and convinced her to let her guard down. But as soon as they had her wrapped around their finger, things had changed.

They had taken advantage of her, using her issues against her and blaming her for their own shortcomings. Sage had endured enough heartache and pain, and she couldn't bear the thought of going through it all over again.

"No," she said defiantly, shaking her head. "I've had my fair share of manipulative men. I won't let Kieran be another one. I refuse to let myself be hurt again."

With newfound conviction, Sage made a promise to herself. She would no longer allow herself to be fooled by superficial charm or fall into the same patterns of toxic relationships. She was stronger now, more aware of her own worth, and she wouldn't settle for anything less than genuine love and respect.

As she walked through her living room, a sense of empowerment washed over her. She realized that she didn't need a man to complete her. She had her own strength, her own dreams, and her own happiness to pursue.  However, now she faced a new predicament: how to avoid Kieran?

---------- 

On Thursday night, Sage walked into her favorite lounge bar, relieved to see that Kieran wasn't there. She had made a mental note of the days when he usually frequented the place, trying her best to avoid any chance encounters. With a friendly smile, she greeted the bartender and ordered her usual drink along with some delectable canapés. It was a small victory, knowing she could enjoy her evening without the presence of the intriguing but potentially complicated Kieran.

Tonight, Sage had no intention of indulging in flirtatious encounters with handsome strangers. She had opted for a more understated yet elegant look, wearing a black maxi dress adorned with subtle gold jewelry. Her attire was tasteful and presentable, but it lacked the sultriness of the outfit she had worn on the day she made her bold move on Kieran. She was determined to enjoy a quiet and uneventful evening, savoring her drink and canapés in peace.

Tonight, she had no plans of flirting with handsome strangers, so she was dressed in a black maxi dress and gold jewelry. It was tasteful and presentable, exuding an air of sophistication rather than sultriness, unlike the outfit she had worn on the day she made her move on Kieran.

Sage made her way to the lounge bar and greeted the bartender, Finn. He flashed her a friendly smile as he prepared her usual drink and canapés.

"So, Sage, how did your date with Kieran go?" Finn asked curiously, his eyes twinkling with intrigue.

Sage sighed, a hint of regret in her voice. "Oh, Finn, I was a coward. I ran away."

Finn raised an eyebrow, genuinely interested. "Why on earth would you do that?"

Sage took a moment to collect her thoughts. "I don't know, Finn. It's complicated. I let my fears and insecurities get the best of me. I didn't want to let someone in, only to get hurt again."

Finn nodded empathetically, understanding the struggle all too well. "Sometimes, self-preservation kicks in, and it's hard to let down those walls. But who knows, Sage? Maybe you'll have another chance with him."

Sage chuckled softly, a tinge of skepticism in her voice. "I highly doubt it. I think I may have missed my chance. Besides, I'm not sure I'm ready to navigate those waters again."

Finn leaned against the bar, a thoughtful expression on his face. "Well, you never know what life has in store for you. Maybe fate will intervene and give you a second shot."

Sage smiled appreciatively at Finn's words. "Maybe, Finn. Maybe." 

Just as Finn finished speaking, his smile grew wide, and he pointed discreetly behind Sage. "Like probably right now?!" 

Sage turned around, her eyes widening in surprise. There, behind her, was Kieran, a mischievous smile playing on his lips. He sits down next to her, not breaking eye contact. 

Kieran's eyes sparkled with amusement as he took a seat next to Sage. "Well, well, well, if it isn't the elusive Sage Lennox who disappeared into thin air after our incredible evening together. I must say, I didn't expect you to be a master of vanishing acts."

Sage's cheeks flushed with embarrassment as she tried to muster a retort. "I... I wasn't. I just... had something urgent to attend to."

Kieran raised an eyebrow, clearly unconvinced. "Urgent, huh? Is that what they call running away these days?"

Sage shifted uncomfortably in her seat, a sheepish smile forming on her lips. "I wouldn't call it running away, Kieran. More like a strategic retreat."

Kieran raised an eyebrow, feigning surprise. "Ah, a strategic retreat, you say? Care to enlighten me on the grand strategy behind that?"

Sage's cheeks flushed with embarrassment as she fidgeted with her drink. "I'm really sorry, Kieran. I didn't mean to run off like that. It was... um, cowardly of me."

Kieran's teasing smile softened into a gentle expression. "No need to apologize. We all have our moments of uncertainty. I hope I didn't give you the wrong impression."

Sage shook her head, her eyes filled with sincerity. "No, not at all. It's not about you. It's about me and my own fears. I didn't want to let anyone in too quickly."

“We all have our moments of uncertainty. But sometimes, taking a leap of faith can lead to something beautiful. I'd like to get to know the real you, if you're willing to give it a chance." He offers

Sage mustered up the courage to meet Kieran's gaze, her curiosity piqued. "And how exactly would you suggest we get to know each other better?"

"Well, Sage, I was thinking of inviting you to my residence. I have quite an impressive collection of books, art, sculptures, and other intriguing things I've gathered from my travels."

Sage couldn't resist the opportunity for a playful tease. She leaned in, a sly smile forming on her lips. "Oh, so you're finally trying to seduce me, huh? Inviting me over for a private tour, just the two of us?"

Kieran chuckled, catching on to her playful banter. "Oh, Sage, you have quite the imagination. I assure you, my invitation is simply for a chance to get to know you better and share some interesting experiences. No hidden agendas, I promise."

Sage's cheeks flushed slightly as she realized her assumption had taken a humorous turn. "Well, in that case, perhaps we can save the private tour for another day. You see, I happen to be in my period at the moment," she said, her voice laced with playful skepticism, "unless you happen to have a secret taste for the bloody, like Hannibal Lecter."

Kieran burst into laughter, finding her innuendo amusing. "Oh, Sage, you always know how to keep things interesting. But I assure you again, it's just a regular tour. No hidden agendas or secret tastes for the bloody."

Sage raised an eyebrow, not fully convinced. "Are you sure? Because I've seen enough movies to know that sometimes a 'regular tour' is just code for something else."

Kieran chuckled, his eyes twinkling with amusement. "I understand your concern, but I genuinely meant it as a chance for us to spend time together and get to know each other better. No ulterior motives, I promise."

Sage's playful skepticism started to fade, replaced by a growing curiosity. "Well, if you insist.”

Kieran's smile widened, a mischievous glint in his eyes. " And you know what, Sage? I happen to have an abundance of gelato at my place. My daughter left for a business trip and I'm left with all these tubs. So, if you decide to join me on the tour, I'll make sure to treat you to some indulgent gelato. It's the perfect remedy for any period-induced cravings."

Sage's eyes lit up, a playful smirk on her face. "Well, Kieran, how can a girl say no to gelato? Lead the way, and let's see if your claim lives up to the hype."

Sage smiled back at Finn, the bartender, appreciating his encouragement and support. With newfound confidence and a touch of excitement, she linked her arm with Kieran's, accepting his gallant gesture.

---------- 

As Kieran and Sage stepped outside the lounge bar, a cool evening breeze brushed against their faces. The sight of Sage and Kieran greeting his chauffeur, standing by the open door of a sleek black Rolls Royce, immediately caught the attention of Henry, Alex, and James, who happened to be walking along the street, and was out to after a long day at work, to unwind and grab a drink at their favorite pub.

 Henry's heart skipped a beat at the unexpected encounter. He hadn't expected to see her, especially not in the company of someone like Kieran.

Alex's eyes widened in recognition, and he exchanged a knowing glance with James. They both remembered seeing Sage and Kieran together at a posh restaurant just a week ago. The memory sparked a mischievous grin on their faces, as if they were privy to some hidden secret.

Henry's gaze fixated on Sage, a mixture of surprise and jealousy flickering in his eyes. He couldn't deny the pang of envy that washed over him as he observed the ease with which Kieran interacted with her. It was as if they were old friends, or perhaps even more.

Alex nudged Henry, a mischievous grin on his face. "Looks like our dear Sage has found herself quite the intriguing companion."

James placed a hand on Henry's shoulder, attempting to offer some comfort. "Mate, I know it stings, but try not to let it get to you. Sage has the right to move on, just like we do."

Henry shrugged off Alex's hand, his voice laced with bitterness. "Move on? Seems like she's found herself an upgrade, hasn't she?"

Alex let out a sigh, his tone tinged with disappointment. "Come on, Henry, don't be like that. You know Sage deserves happiness, just like anyone else. Let's not ruin our evening with jealousy. We're here to have a good time."

Henry let out a heavy sigh, a sense of regret weighing heavily on his heart. "I messed up, didn't I?”

Alex and James exchanged a knowing glance, their silence speaking volumes.

----------

As Kieran and Sage arrived at his home, Sage couldn't help but be in awe of the magnificent Georgian house that stood before her. The exterior exuded a timeless elegance, with its walls adorned in lush ivy vines, giving the impression of a residence steeped in history and charm. The ivy leaves danced gently in the breeze, creating a natural tapestry of green against the stone facade.

The windows of the house boasted flower boxes overflowing with vibrant blooms, adding a touch of color and cheerfulness to the already picturesque scene. Each window seemed to tell a story, as if the house itself had a secret to share.

A round driveway adorned the front, acting as a regal centerpiece to the property. The gravel crunching beneath their feet as they made their way towards the entrance, adding a sense of grandeur to their arrival.

The hedges lining the perimeter of the property were impeccably maintained, trimmed to perfection, showcasing the meticulous attention to detail that went into every aspect of Kieran's home. They formed a natural barrier, providing privacy and a sense of sanctuary from the outside world. 

As Sage's gaze wandered, she couldn't help but notice a Mercedes-Maybach parked on one side of the driveway, a symbol of luxury and refinement. And on the other side, a sleek Jaguar rested, hinting at the varied tastes and choices that Kieran had at his disposal.

The exterior of the house exuded warmth and a welcoming ambiance, with its elegant yet approachable aesthetics. It was a place that felt like home, a sanctuary away from the bustling world outside.

As Kieran opened the doors to his home, Sage was greeted by the sight of classical marbled floors that stretched out before her. The pristine white-paneled walls provided a clean canvas for the beautiful works of art that adorned them, each carefully framed and thoughtfully hung. The air was filled with a delicate fragrance from the fresh flowers that adorned various corners of the house, adding a touch of natural beauty to the already elegant space.

They entered the living room, and Sage couldn't help but notice the juxtaposition of styles that somehow harmonized perfectly. The couch, with its vibrant colors and intricate patterns, stood out boldly against the backdrop of the white-paneled walls. It was a nod to maximalism, an artful blending of different elements that created a vibrant and inviting space.

The room was adorned with shelves filled with books of various genres, a testament to Kieran's intellectual curiosity and love for knowledge. It was evident that literature and the pursuit of wisdom were valued in this household.

As she glanced at a stylish console table, her attention was captivated by a silver framed photograph of a stunning woman, exuding grace and elegance. It was clear that she was Kieran's late wife, a gentle reminder of the love that had once filled these walls. Next to it were pictures of his children, their smiling faces captured in moments of celebration and achievement. Graduation photos told stories of milestones reached and dreams realized.

However, what truly caught Sage's attention was the sight of a sword, encased in a glass display. Its presence spoke of a different chapter in Kieran's life. Her curiosity got the best of her, and she couldn't help but voice her inquiry.

"You were an officer?" Sage asked, her voice filled with intrigue and respect, recognizing the significance of the symbol before her.

Kieran's eyebrows lifted in surprise as Sage's knowledge of the sword's significance became apparent. "So you know what it means?"

Sage hesitated for a moment, her curiosity getting the better of her. "Yeah..." she replied, her voice trailing off slightly.

As her gaze shifted, Sage's eyes caught sight of another item displayed on the shelf—a distinguished medal adorned with the initials GCMG, denoting the highest honors. Realization struck her like a bolt of lightning. Kieran was not just an officer; he was an actual knight.

Her eyes widened in disbelief, and she turned to face him, her expression a mix of astonishment and amusement. "Do I address you as Sir?" she blurted out, unable to contain her incredulity.

Kieran chuckled, a twinkle of amusement in his eyes. "Well, you could if you really wanted to, but I must admit, it's not a title I insist upon in everyday conversation. Kieran will do just fine."

Sage let out a nervous laugh, feeling a touch out of her element. "Alright, Kieran it is. Just know that I'm in the presence of a distinguished knight here. Quite the surprise, I must say."

Sage crossed her arms, her curiosity getting the best of her. "So, Sir Kieran, what mighty service did you perform to earn such an esteemed title?"

Kieran feigned a modest expression, his eyes sparkling mischievously. "Ah, you see, it was quite the daring quest. I battled fierce dragons, rescued damsels in distress, and single-handedly brought peace to the land..."

Sage raised an eyebrow, a playful smirk on her lips. "Oh, really? And here I was thinking it had something to do with your charming wit and debonair personality."

 However, she couldn't resist the temptation to keep guessing, determined to unravel the mystery behind Kieran's esteemed accolades. "Alright, Sir Kieran, let me take another shot at it. Were you perhaps a diplomat? Traversing the globe, negotiating peace treaties and solving international conflicts?"

Kieran chuckled, shaking his head. "Close, but no, my dear. Though I must admit, the thought of me in diplomatic negotiations is quite amusing."

Undeterred, Sage continued her playful guessing. "Alright, how about this? Were you a secret agent, like James Bond or Johnny English, carrying out daring missions while maintaining your impeccable sense of style and humor?"

Kieran chuckled again, a hint of mischief in his eyes. "Maybe, maybe not... hmmm... neither”

Sage's eyes widened with excitement as another idea sparked in her mind. "Wait a minute... are you perhaps the 'M' of the spy world? The one who pulls the strings and sends agents on top-secret missions?"

Kieran burst into laughter, thoroughly amused by Sage's accurate guess. "Oh, I see where you're going with this. But enough about my past for now. Let's focus on the present. How about I get you a hot pack for your comfort and maybe some gelato or ice cream? I've got a feeling it'll make you feel better." but he swiftly changed the topic, avoiding direct confirmation.

As Sage's eyes widened in realization, she couldn't contain her excitement. She followed Kieran into the kitchen, her curiosity growing stronger by the second. She leaned against the kitchen counter, eager to uncover more about his mysterious past.

"Wait, MI5 or MI6?" she blurted out, unable to contain her enthusiasm. "Tell me, tell me, tell me!"

Kieran turned to face her, a playful glint in his eyes. He paused for a moment, savoring the anticipation he had built up. Then, with a smile, he finally revealed, "Worked with both...” 

Sage's eyes sparkled with a mixture of excitement and disbelief. "So you really are M?" she asked, unable to hide her astonishment.

Kieran let out a chuckle, his eyes twinkling mischievously. Ignoring her question, he turned his attention to the freezer, where an array of colorful gelato flavors awaited. He ran his fingers along the frosty glass, considering the options before him.

"Alright, Sage," he said, a playful tone in his voice. "Tell me, which gelato flavor tickles your fancy? We have pistachio, salted caramel, dark chocolate, and a special raspberry sorbet made with fresh fruits from the garden. Hmm... we also have matcha, mango, melon, vanilla, vanilla raspberry, mocha..."

Sage couldn't help but laugh at his diversion tactic, realizing he was purposefully avoiding giving a direct answer. "You're quite the master of evading questions, aren't you? But let's see... I think I'll go with the dark chocolate. Can't resist a good, rich chocolate indulgence."

Kieran nodded approvingly, his gaze lingering on Sage as if he found her choice particularly fitting. "Excellent choice," he remarked, a hint of satisfaction in his voice. "Dark chocolate it is, then."

As Kieran expertly scooped two generous portions of the velvety gelato, Sage couldn't help but be captivated by his effortless grace and the air of mystery that surrounded him. Even as he handed her the ice-cold dessert, he kept his secrets close, teasing her with glimpses of his intriguing past.

As they finished their gelato, Kieran gestured toward a set of double doors leading to his study. "Shall we continue our conversation in a more comfortable setting?" he suggested, a twinkle of anticipation in his eyes.

Sage nodded eagerly, intrigued by the prospect of exploring more of Kieran's world. They entered the study, and she couldn't help but be captivated by the room's ambiance. The same elegant style that permeated the living room carried through into the study, with white-paneled walls adorned with tasteful artwork and shelves filled with carefully curated books.

A plush couch adorned with an array of soft throw pillows invited them to sink into its embrace. Sage couldn't resist running her fingers along the luxurious fabric, appreciating the attention to detail that Kieran had put into every aspect of his home.

The study felt like a sanctuary, a place where ideas could be explored and dreams could take flight. It was a testament to Kieran's refined taste and his appreciation for beauty and knowledge.

They settled onto the couch, sinking into its comfort. Sage couldn't help but feel a sense of ease and intimacy in this space, as if the walls held the whispers of stories waiting to be told.

As Sage stepped further into the study, her eyes were drawn to another console table adorned with a new set of photographs. These pictures exuded an intimate and personal touch, showcasing cherished memories and tender moments.

Amongst the collection, she spotted more pictures of Kieran's children, their smiles capturing the essence of their shared laughter and affection. The images showcased the bond between siblings, the joy of family outings, and the milestones they had celebrated together. It was evident that family played a central role in Kieran's life.

But it was the small, framed portrait of his late wife that held Sage's gaze. The portrait, bathed in warm light, depicted a moment frozen in time—a loving smile, a gentle touch. It was a reminder of the deep connection they had shared, and the love that had shaped Kieran into the person he was today.

As Sage took in the sight, she felt a mix of reverence and admiration. These intimate photographs painted a more profound picture of Kieran's life and the profound impact his family had on him. They spoke of treasured moments, heartfelt memories, and the resilience of love in the face of loss.

Respecting the intimacy of these images, Sage allowed herself a moment of quiet reflection. She understood the weight of Kieran's past and the significance these photographs held in his heart. It served as a reminder of the complexities of human experiences and the stories that shaped them.

Sage took a moment to absorb the atmosphere of the study, enveloped in a sense of tranquility and comfort. She couldn't help but feel a certain reverence for the space that seemed to hold Kieran's most cherished memories.

"This place feels like a sanctuary," she remarked softly, her voice filled with appreciation. "I can understand why you wouldn't want to leave this room. It holds so much history and warmth."

Kieran smiled, his gaze sweeping across the room. "You're absolutely right," he replied, his voice tinged with nostalgia. "My children often say the same thing  whenever my they are around, they practically camp out in this study. It's become their favorite hangout spot," he said, his voice laced with affectionate humor.

"They claim it's because of the comfortable couch and the abundance of throw pillows," he continued, gesturing towards the inviting seating area. "But I suspect it's also because they know I keep a secret stash of their favorite snacks hidden in that drawer over there."

Sage laughed, delighted by the image of Kieran's children making themselves at home in his study. "So, it's not just the allure of your fascinating books and intriguing artifacts, but also the promise of tasty treats that draws them in?"

Kieran nodded, a mischievous grin on his face. "Exactly. I've come to realize that snacks hold a remarkable power of attraction, even in the midst of ancient manuscripts and treasured heirlooms."

They shared a lighthearted moment, their laughter filling the air and infusing the study with an even greater sense of warmth and familiarity. It was in these moments of playful banter that Sage discovered another layer of Kieran's charm, one that made her feel even more at ease in his presence.

For a moment, Sage's curiosity got the better of her, and she couldn't resist delving into Kieran's past. Her eyes wandered back to the console table where the picture of his late wife sat, a reminder of a love that had once been.

"You mentioned having an ex-girlfriend," she began, her voice filled with genuine curiosity. "Forgive me for prying, but... why 'ex'? I mean, look at you, Kieran. You're intelligent, intriguing, and, well, quite easy on the eyes."

Sage's curious remark about Kieran's ex-girlfriend caught his attention. He leaned back on the couch, wearing a mischievous smile, and prepared to share a story that held a hint of drama.

"Well, Sage," he began with a theatrical sigh, "let's just say that my ex-girlfriend had quite the unique way of expressing her affection. She decided to demonstrate her love by... shooting me."

Sage's eyes widened in disbelief as she tried to process his words. Her initial shock quickly turned into a mix of concern and amusement. Kieran couldn't help but chuckle at her reaction, fully aware of the absurdity of his statement.

"Now, now, don't worry," he reassured her, his voice filled with lightheartedness. "I managed to survive the encounter, although my heart might have skipped a beat or two at the time. It turns out she had a bit of a 'trigger-happy' approach to relationships."

He winked playfully at Sage, his eyes twinkling with mischief. The combination of humor and truth in his words created a unique dynamic that both surprised and intrigued her.

"But fear not," he continued, a hint of a smirk on his lips. "I'm well on my way to a full recovery—both physically and emotionally. And I've come to realize that not every woman is armed with a dangerous love like she was."

Sage couldn't help but burst into laughter at Kieran's outlandish explanation. "Shot you? Seriously, Kieran? Are you trying to pull my leg? That's one way to describe a crazy ex-girlfriend!"

Sage's disbelief transformed into a mix of shock and intrigue. She leaned in closer, her eyes fixed on Kieran. "Okay, I'll bite. How on earth did that happen?"

Kieran paused for a moment, as if reliving the memory. He then continued, his voice filled with a dramatic flair. "Well, one fateful evening, during an argument, she dramatically pulled out a water gun and declared, 'I'm about to make your heart wet with love!' Little did I know that she had secretly filled the water gun with ice-cold water."

Sage burst into laughter, unable to contain her amusement at Kieran's absurd and comical rendition of the story. "You're kidding, right? She shot you with a water gun?"

Kieran joined in her laughter, a twinkle of mischief in his eyes. "Well, Sage, let's just say it was a shocking breakup in more ways than one. I guess you could say our relationship was a bit... unconventional."

Sage shook her head, still chuckling. "Unconventional is one way to put it. I must admit, Kieran, you certainly know how to keep things interesting. You have a knack for attracting the wildest stories."

Kieran chuckled, a twinkle in his eyes. "Perhaps, but let's just say it was an experience that made me appreciate the simpler, less weapon-oriented side of relationships."

As their laughter subsided, the tension lifted, and Sage realized that Kieran's lighthearted response was his way of dealing with a past that held both pain and amusement. Deep down, he knew that the truth behind his ex-girlfriend's betrayal and the gunshot was far from funny, but he also understood that revealing the seriousness of the situation might dampen the lighthearted atmosphere between them. So, he decided to keep the details hidden, allowing Sage to believe it was all part of a humorous tale. 

In his mind, Kieran replayed the events that had unfolded with Q, his ex-girlfriend. The sense of betrayal and the dangerous confrontation still lingered, reminding him of the risks he had faced. It was a chapter of his life he had put behind him, but the scars, both physical and emotional, remained.

Kieran leaned forward, his eyes reflecting genuine curiosity. "So, Sage, how did you come to possess such knowledge about the world of espionage? Is it just a keen interest, or is there something more to it?"

Kieran's curiosity piqued as Sage hesitantly admitted, "Well, Kieran, my father... he was actually a part of the MI5."

Kieran's eyebrows shot up in surprise, his gaze fixed on Sage. "Really? Your father was in the MI5? That's quite impressive."

Sage paused for a moment, contemplating whether to share another detail. Finally, she continued, "And, well, one of my ex-boyfriends... he was from the SAS."

Kieran's eyes widened in surprise. "The SAS? That's quite something. You certainly have an interesting history with connections to the military and intelligence."

Sage chuckled, a mix of nostalgia and amusement in her voice. "Yes, interesting is one way to put it. Let's just say that relationship was quite intense. Almost had me jumping out of planes and scaling mountains, if you can believe it."

As Sage thought about the snippets of her past, she couldn't help but remember a particular ex-boyfriend who had been part of the SAS. The memories flooded back, tinged with a mixture of fondness and frustration. In her mind, she recalled how the relationship had been intense, almost resulting in an unexpected pregnancy, and ultimately ending abruptly when he grew weary of the commitment. It was reminiscent of her experience with Henry, another relationship that had left her feeling uncertain and hurt.

Kieran's keen perception picked up on the subtle hint in Sage's comment about her intense relationship with the ex-boyfriend from the SAS. He could sense that there was more to the story, that the relationship had been filled with tumult and emotional ups and downs.

A knowing smile played on Kieran's lips as he looked at Sage. "Ah, jumping out of planes and scaling mountains, huh? Sounds like quite the rollercoaster ride. I can only imagine the adventures and challenges you both must have faced."

As the study doors swung open, a man bearing a striking resemblance to Kieran entered, calling out to him. "Da! Da!" he exclaimed, clutching a box of ice cream in his hands. His voice carried a youthful energy that filled the room.

Kieran turned towards the entrance, a warm smile spreading across his face. "Ah, Charles, perfect timing!" he greeted his youngest son. "And yes, Sage, this is my youngest, Charles. Charles, meet Sage."

Charles beamed with excitement, his eyes lighting up as he looked at Sage. He quickly set the box of ice cream on a nearby table, his attention fully captured by the woman before him. "Woah! Hi, Sage! It's so great to meet you!"

Sage returned his greeting with a kind smile. "Hello, Charles. It's wonderful to meet you too."

Charles couldn't contain his happiness as he turned to his father. "Da, you never told me you were dating someone! This is amazing!"

Kieran chuckled, his eyes sparkling with affection for his son. "Well, Charles, it's still early days. Sage and I are just getting to know each other. But I'm glad you're happy about it."

Charles nodded eagerly, his enthusiasm bubbling over. "Oh, I'm more than happy! It's about time you found someone special, Da. And besides, I came to grab Vi's tub of ice cream before they expire. She won't be too pleased if they go to waste!"

Charles shifted slightly, a shy grin on his face. "Well, I'll leave you two to your... um, conversation. I actually have some work I need to finish, so I should head back home."

Kieran nodded, understanding his son's desire to give them some privacy. "Of course, Charles. We'll catch up later."

With a quick wave, Charles turned to leave the study, but before he disappeared through the doors, he turned back with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. "Oh, and Dad, I'll make sure to tell Vi the good news! She'll be thrilled."

Kieran chuckled, appreciating his son's support. "Thank you, Charles. I appreciate it."

Charles grinned mischievously and winked at Sage before turning to leave the study. "Have fun, you two! And Dad, remember, don't keep Sage waiting too long."

And with that, Charles bid them farewell and stepped out of the study, leaving Kieran and Sage in a moment of quiet connection.

As Charles left the study, Sage couldn't help but feel a sense of warmth and surprise at the interaction between Kieran and his son. She admired how Charles seemed genuinely happy for his father, even teasing him about sharing the news with Vi. It was clear that Kieran's children were supportive of their father's happiness.

Sage's admiration grew as she observed the loving and supportive relationship between Kieran and his children. The fact that he managed to balance his military career with being a dedicated single father surprised her, and she couldn't help but express her awe. "Kieran, it's truly remarkable how you handle your responsibilities as a single father alongside your previous demanding military work. Your children are so supportive of you, and it's inspiring to see the bond you share with them," she commented, her voice filled with genuine admiration.

Kieran acknowledged her comment with a nod. "Yes, we've had our fair share of ups and downs. Being a single parent while serving in the military has its challenges. But I've always done my best to be there for them, even during the toughest times. I'm grateful that my children have grown into amazing individuals who understand the sacrifices we've made as a family."

Kieran turned his attention to Sage, a curious glimmer in his eyes. "How about you, Sage? You know, it's fascinating how much you've gathered about me already. You've pieced together bits of my past, my work, and even the dramatic encounter with my ex-girlfriend. It's only fair that I get to know more about you in return." 

Sage chuckled, a playful gleam in her eyes. "Fair enough, Kieran. But be warned, my life may not be as thrilling as yours. No exes shooting me, I'm afraid." She leaned back against the couch, contemplating for a moment. "Well, Kieran, where do I begin?

 “What about your familial life? How was it growing up?" 

Sage couldn't help but let out a small chuckle, a hint of mischief in her eyes. "Ah, my familial life," she replied, her tone lighthearted yet honest. "Well, let's just say it was a rollercoaster ride of chaos and craziness. Terrible might be an understatement, but it was definitely... interesting."

Kieran raised an eyebrow, intrigued by her response. "Interesting, you say? Care to elaborate?"

Sage took a deep breath, her gaze fixed on the window as she mustered the courage to share her past. "Well, Kieran, my childhood was... let's just say it had its fair share of challenges. My parents had a unique way of expressing their love... through an unconventional language of insults and backhanded compliments. I became their favorite sparring partner, the recipient of their creative repertoire of verbal jabs."

A wry smile tugged at the corners of her lips, as if she was finding humor in the absurdity of it all. She chuckled softly, masking the deeper pain that lay beneath the surface. "I guess you could say I developed a thick skin and a quick wit as my defense mechanisms. I became fluent in the art of comebacks, a black belt in the martial art of sarcasm."

As she glanced up at Kieran, a flicker of vulnerability passed through her eyes, hinting at the emotional toll those words had taken on her.  Kieran nodded, his expression filled with understanding. He could sense the layers of complexity that lay beneath Sage's lighthearted words, and he appreciated her ability to find humor in hard situations. It was yet another aspect of her that made him feel drawn to her.

After a brief moment of reflection, Kieran decided to lighten the mood. A mischievous grin spread across his face as he leaned forward, his eyes sparkling with curiosity. "Well, Sage, it seems you've mastered the art of wit and comebacks. But tell me, what do you do now? How do you make a living in this crazy world?"

Sage's eyes lit up with excitement as she leaned in, ready to share her professional endeavors. "Ah, Kieran, prepare to be amazed! I am a designer, but not just any designer. I specialize in creating... wait for it... the most bizarre and outrageous inventions you can imagine!"

Kieran's eyebrows shot up in intrigue, a playful smile playing on his lips. "Bizarre and outrageous inventions? You have my full attention. Tell me more."

Sage chuckled, delighted by his enthusiasm. "Well, you see, I design things like self-peeling bananas, solar-powered umbrellas that also make you coffee, and even a talking toaster that gives motivational speeches every morning. It's all about combining the practical with the absurd, creating inventions that bring a smile to people's faces."

Kieran burst into laughter, picturing the comical scenarios and imagining a world filled with Sage's whimsical creations. "That is absolutely brilliant, Sage! I can only imagine the joy and laughter your inventions must bring to people's lives."

Sage beamed, grateful for Kieran's appreciation. "Thank you, Kieran. It's a joy to be able to blend my creativity with humor and make a living off patents, apps, and the occasional talking toaster. It's safe to say that my inventions have become a rather... unique source of passive income."

Sage couldn't help but chuckle at the thought of her outlandish inventions, but then she shifted to a more serious tone, wanting to share the true source of her success. "But in all seriousness, Kieran, my real breakthrough came when I developed a selling platform app. It caught the attention of a venture capitalist who saw its potential and decided to acquire it."

Kieran leaned in, his interest piqued. As an angel investor, he had a keen eye for promising ventures. "Really? That's impressive, Sage. It seems like you struck gold with that app. What happened next?"

A gleam of satisfaction appeared in Sage's eyes as she continued, "Well, let's just say that selling the app opened up a world of opportunities for me. Suddenly, I found myself living in a realm of luxury I never could have imagined before. But I didn't stop there. I still have my design patents, which turned out to be quite the cash cows, and a few more app ideas that have caught the attention of potential buyers."

Kieran's curiosity grew even more, his mind buzzing with possibilities. "You have more apps up your sleeve? That's fascinating, Sage. I'd love to hear more about them. Who knows, maybe we can explore some investment opportunities together."

Sage's face lit up with excitement, her eyes twinkling mischievously. "Oh, Kieran, you're in for a wild ride! I've got app ideas that will make people's jaws drop faster than a rollercoaster ride. We're talking about apps that can predict the future hairstyle trends, an app that delivers pizza directly into your dreams, and even an app that helps you find your lost socks!”

Kieran couldn't help but chuckle at Sage's infectious enthusiasm. "Lost socks, huh? Now that's a problem worth solving!”

Sage nodded, a playful grin spreading across her face. "Absolutely! I mean, who hasn't wondered where all those missing socks disappear to? With my app, you'll never have to face a mismatched sock day again!"

They both burst into laughter, their shared sense of humor creating a lighthearted bond between them.

A/N: Hello everyone! I sincerely hope you've been enjoying the story thus far. As we delve deeper into the narrative, I wanted to address a couple of things.

Firstly, there were some significant events involving Q and Kieran from ‘DARK NIGHT’ that were mentioned earlier in the story. Initially, I had planned to create an action-packed short to fully illustrate what happened. However, I found myself struggling to proceed with that approach. Instead, I decided to provide the necessary details and insights into their experiences through this chapter. Rest assured, even though they come from a different story, they belong to the same created universe.

Secondly, I want to acknowledge that there may be grammatical errors, redundancy, or repetitiveness within the text. I apologize for any such mistakes. I will be conducting a soft editing pass to rectify these issues and ensure a smoother reading experience.

Thank you all for your support and patience. Your feedback and enthusiasm are greatly appreciated. I hope you continue to enjoy the journey as the story unfolds.

#Henry Cavill #Henry Cavill Imagines #Henry Cavill AU #AU Henry Cavill #Henry Cavill Fan Fic #Henry Cavill FanFic #Henry Cavill Fan Fiction #Henry Cavill FanFiction #Henry Cavill x OC #Henry Cavill x OFC #Original Character #Alternate Universe #Odd Women #Odd Women Series #MSILWRITES #Strong Female Lead #Female Lead with a backbone #Mads Mikkelsen #Mads Mikkelsen Fan Fic #Mads Mikkelsen FanFic #Mads Mikkelsen x OC #Mads Mikkelsen x OFC #Mads Mikkelsen x Reader

[canongf-archive]

Hi Liv I hope it's okay if I ask for some advice real quick! ;o; My (now ex) partner shared f/os with me when we were together. After a year, they cheated on me, then they told me repeatedly how much our shared f/os would actually love them more instead of me and how they would love to hurt me just the same... now I cannot seem to look at any of my f/os without thinking the characters would hurt me and leave me too :( I know it sounds silly bc they're fictional but I can't help but feel like my 5 years of shipping with these characters has been just me kidding myself this entire time.

anon!!! i am so so so sorry!!! 🖤

none of this sounds silly to me. self shipping is something that is so incredibly intimate, the way that we connect with these characters and the lives that we build with them is so personal. they really become a part of us. and to have someone take that, that love, that intimacy, that vulnerability, and use it to try to hurt you is incredibly cruel. of course you're feeling the way you're feeling!

anon... i'm going to guess that this person hasn't been always honest with you. the fact that they cheated tells me that they, in some way, told you lies. maybe they told you they'd never cheat, maybe they told you that they weren't cheating, maybe they told you they had certain feelings for you that weren't true... whatever it is, i'm sure they lied to you. and this is just another one of those lies.

them telling you that these characters would choose them over you or that these characters would hurt you in the same way is just another lie. it holds as much weight as everything else they've said to you. it's not true, it's never been true and it will never be true.

these characters are not this person. they are you. they reflect you. the version of these characters that you ship with, you were the one that breathed life into them. you gave them pieces of yourself. you look at them with your history and your perspective and your opinions and your likes and your dislikes and your needs and you created something between them and yourself that will never belong to anyone else and it will never be able to be taken away from you. no matter what your ex says.

and i think these characters would be devastated to be associated with this person. they've been by your side for all these years, you have loved them and they have loved you back. they've been the comfort and the support that you've needed. that connection you have with them has been real.

i am so sorry that you're hurting, anon. i'm so sorry that this person treated you with such cruelty and that this person tried to take away something that matters so much to you. they don't have that power. they have their ideas of their characters, but they will never know the versions of these characters that belong to you. try to hold onto that while you heal from this.

thank you so much for trusting me with this!!! thinking of you and giving you all my love!!! it's not always gonna feel this way, i promise!!! 🖤

#advice.ask #anon #long post

[giftfromblythe]

Open Heart

The door to my heart has long stood open,

Rusted hinges forcing it wide.

And if I press my words unspoken

Into my tender, wounded side,

Would it salve the bitter bite

Of my unguarded heart’s end,

Or would it merely be the site

Of a break that starts to mend?

If I should close that weathered door,

Secure my heart against the storm,

Would it ease the burden I bore,

Or would it force me to conform?

The tender places of my soul

Tell me that I cannot know

How much of my heart they stole

And where all that grace shall go.

It may not be that before I fall

To age or illness or fatal chance,

I will ever learn the truth at all,

But still I’d prefer the joyful dance

Over the bitter dregs of loneliness

And the aftertaste of self-violence.

I wrote this poem during a time in my life when I was very lonely because I had closed myself off from others for fear of being hurt, and didn’t know how to reconnect.  It’s unfortunately a common pattern in PTSD.  I was stuck in a cycle of withdrawing, worsening my mental health due to loneliness, opening up just enough to accept help, and then closing off again because I’d encounter one of my triggers.  The hyper vigilance I experienced made it hard to trust people enough to be vulnerable, and, conversely, when I did open up, I was unpracticed at it and didn’t maintain the boundaries I need.  I’ve always been extremely aware of other people’s emotions, and it’s very hard for me to see someone’s distress and not try to help—even when the help they needed put me in a position of endangering my health.  I caught myself in a trap of only finding validation when I was helping or pleasing someone, and pursuing that to my own detriment.

This poem expresses the emotional toll that took on me throughout the first two decades of my life, and then how I overcorrected and tried to cut people out of my life…not just some people: everyone.  Ultimately, I couldn’t and shouldn’t shut out everyone, both because those bonds are what helps keep me stable and because even the weakest bond can be meaningful.  There are people still in my life who have hurt me, and although I keep some emotional distance to prevent their toxic behaviors from affecting me again, I still love and care about them—I just trust them only with what I know they will respect, and keep the most vulnerable parts of me to myself.  Just as I came full circle with being open, choosing to be open in the ways and with the people that are wisest for me, the poem circles back to the joy that can be found in connection (even with the pain it can sometimes cause) and how I prefer that to the constant pain of loneliness.

This is one of the more difficult things I’ve had to learn in my recovery, and it’s one I’m still working on.  It is, however, the key to long-term stability when you have a mental illness; it is very much worth the effort of learning.

I hope this poem and the story behind it has given you some perspective and hope for your own recovery.  As always, take care, listen well, and share your stories.

—Blythe

#mental illness #poetry #ptsd

[aerick-cosmic-cauldron]

I went to cb therapy, i was so asleep i couldn't make my points clear, somehow i ended in occupational therapy too, I've been reluctant to make the appointments tho because i don't think i have problems with autonomy tbh, all my issues come form my extreme emotional fragility and inability for self-soothing without intense fantasy setting in... but something good can come out of it, they may help me find a job, which is something i need, so why not try it, tomorrow I'll go and schedule it... easier said than done tho.

Shame is eating me alive and makes it very difficult for me to get out of this house of horrors, i have an intense fear of a possible encounter with people i ghosted, fear of them saying or doing something bad, fear of deserving so, fear of the thought of me not being able to change my bs. which is kind of irrational, because nothing is permanent right? is a lesson that i throw at anyone who tries to get close to me, and somehow I'm unable to embrace it.

ok i just ate something and now idaf about nothing aijskgfjsdjihg imma watch Barça and hopefully Ter Stegen gets a clean sheet

6 hours later, the match was so boring it depressed me but my wish came true, He got a clean sheet. but now it is night and can't help but being obsessed with myself and think about what am i doing, none of the possible results of my efforts would satisfy me, nor motivates me enough to keep going. I'm stuck in the development of a video game, it hurts me to even think about it and i don't know why... why am i stuck, i refuse to continue, I'm trying to be here with the feeling, to feel and not suppress. but it doesn't tell me directly what to do, it just trigger fantasies about me being vulnerable and it being important... appreciate it but those fantasies are just blatant narcissism, born from that extreme fragility that defines me so much. but now i get it... i forgot what i was doing... I'm moving within that extreme fragility and I'm trying to work hard on something... usually I'll use fantasy to work hard but not now... I'm being me, my authentic vulnerable fragile and childish self, and this part of me will finally grow stronger if i work hard on this project... "hard work polish even the hardest rocks" right? this is the way i can grow up, and be able to live a normal life.

the plan is to try my hardest to make good video game of him and a corny cute letter, try to put pretty messages in it, to make something good, something with quality and hard work... for him to notice it, and actually feel good about it, and maybe for him to talk to me, to share his thoughts about it with me. i think just this would be enough for me... in my wildest fantasies I'm someone who he chooses to talk to at a times about stuff. but even if the latest doesn't happen, i'll be ok, i'll develop more little video games, about my life, i'll use them as self expression...and once i've done that i can claim that as identity trait, resulting in myself being more solid, less fragile, and able to connect with people and finally be able to satisfy my needs like a normal person

[apples-butsad]

Trigger warning: Domestic Violence

I’m being honest the only reason I’m writing this here is because I’m reasonably sure no one will ever see it: I am a survivor of Domestic Violence at the hands of a partner.

This isn’t a secret I hold to myself. Plenty of people in my life know this statement, and some of them have even heard a couple of the stories. So I’m not worried about being outed or doxxed or whatever. But beyond a few chance evenings of vulnerability, I don’t really talk about it much. I, of course, went to therapy for years and managed to get past a lot of the really bad trauma, but I still have evenings where it kind of stings. And when I sit here with my thoughts it can kind of be heavy to go through it alone. Maybe putting this to paper will help. I’m not sure.

It’s one of those nights tonight, obviously. I think what burdens me is that in the several years since we broke up, I’ve never really found someone who I’ve connected with on a romantic level. When you’re with someone for 8 1/2 years and that person emotionally and physically breaks you down, it becomes kind of hard to trust people. At least not without a lot of time and patience. I get the sense that not a lot of people have patience in a big city, where it is pretty hard to date. Part of me is still scared to get hurt again.

Why I don’t talk about this with others? I don’t know. I think I’m worried about feeling like a burden, because nights like these happen more than I care to admit. I’m worried I’m gonna call up friends and they’re gonna get annoyed with how frequently something like this happens. “Oh man, he’s depressed again? Can’t he find someone else to talk to?” That’s the childhood trauma talking, I’m sure.

How it ended is what I think I obsess about the most. At least lately. See, she broke up with me. After cheating on me. Which honestly, yeah it fucking hurt. It hurt a lot. And I don’t know if I ever let myself feel hurt from that, because for so long I was hurting from the beatings and the choking. But even after all of that bullshit I put up with, she couldn’t handle even the slightest pushback. When I finally started having a spine in those final months. When I finally started holding my ground. She had to go somewhere else. She didn’t even fucking try. It should’ve been me. I should’ve ended it. She didn’t deserve me.

She ended up marrying him, 6 months later… on the original weekend we were supposed to get married. Yeah I know, I dodged a bullet. But still. Betrayal like that comes once in a lifetime. I laughed it off at the time. I don’t really laugh anymore. My friends have said “fuck him” in regards to the guy she left me for. And for what it’s worth, he sounds like a piece of shit. But I sometimes wonder if he’s being tormented the same way I was. I know through the social grapevine that he apparently has not been keeping in touch with many of his old friends. He’s very absent among friends and family. Only ever with her. God it sounds so familiar.

I hope I never see her again. I don’t know how I would react if I did. If I ever saw her in a grocery store. I probably would run if I’m being honest. It sounds so pathetic. But I feel her hands around my throat sometimes still. I still get triggered anytime a plate or wine glass breaks. I’d rather just not share the same ZIP code as her.

I also probably would run because part of me is afraid of what I would do if I didn’t. I don’t want to turn into an angry toxic man. I’ve never been much for violence. But part of me is really worried that there’s a rage that would overcome me in that moment. Yeah, running seems better.

#trauma #ptsd #tw dv mention #abuse survivor #ramblings #venting

[inkylizard]

favorite things from firefly this year.

arriving and feeling known, seeing people who genuinely like me and not doubting it, remembering what it feels like to smile at everyone you pass on a trail. dancing in the rain/under the leaking tarp at camp here’s goth night and seeing, on the faces of people around me, the looks of pure delight that only ever mean that things have crossed into perfection by way of absurdity and fucking up a bit. Allowing myself to be one of the people reveling in that shared joy rather than one of the ones trying to resolve its accompanying problems, because the moment called for both things, and it’s okay for me to be irresponsible sometimes. Figure drawing! Firefly is a body positive space and a sex positive space and honestly sometimes that’s uncomfortable for me because i’m not through my own shit and i believe in those things for other people but haven’t worked out how i personally engage with them. So in addition to being a wonderful reminder of something I had missed terribly, it was also a chance to immerse myself in that part of the culture in an entirely nonthreatening way because nudity in a life drawing context has been unremarkable to me for years. Wonderwall Wednesday, of course. And ending Karaoke with Closing Time as a big group. Any chance to sing with people is always Big Feels. Me & Don both being gifted burn names by two different, equally wonderful, humans. (Cephalodon and Repair Kit, courtesy of Artimiss and Skittlez, respectively). Choking and forcing my way through White Rabbit at CH karaoke night because my legs shake and my breath won’t come when I try to sing in front of people, but I *know* i can do that song when I’m alone and I’d already committed and failure was not an option, and knowing it was bad and having to make myself not care enough to keep going, just finding it in me to turn off the paralyzing fear and do it anyway, and then Sketch and Korvin meeting me off the floor in the biggest hug, and everyone telling me I did so good in a way I could almost believe; JohnRhoades’ specific compliment that was perfectly tailored to the level of praise I could accept (”you were better than i expected and you picked the perfect song that worked for how your voice was going to fail you”, or something like that). Being able to have several incredibly vulnerable and risky conversations without lashing out or doubting what I needed to say, including asking for and appreciating help and communicating hurt. Feeling trust, and trusted, and maybe almost trustworthy. Big Things. walking along a trail and having an apple suddenly appear in front of me at eye-level and laughing so hard at the unexpected absurdity.

Getting to meet Don on a level where we could both be absolutely real, even just for a few minutes. Wandering together back into the empty, quiet city while everyone was still at the bug burn, and remembering it’s one of my favourite things, to see Firefly that way.

Jeffrey gifting me a vest that kicked off an entire experience of feeling that for the first time in my life I knew how to wear clothes in a way that accurately communicates my gender and represents my style, and absolutely loving it. (+ specifically getting several friends to tell me i was wearing fishnets In A Boy Way, + telling Crash his sense of style has been a big influence while I’ve been developing mine, and thanking him for it). Not bringing art; in general letting myself have kind of a sparklepony year, and coming away with new ideas about art, collaboration, and participation for next time. the serendipity of running into the right people at the right times. fierce and gentle people. mostly this year was about connecting more deeply with people i already know rather than meeting new ones, and I’m okay with that. I missed a lot and I’m okay with that too. Not all the times were good times, but I felt safe to make the mistakes I needed to make and I can see parts of myself right now that I couldn’t before, and that’s about the measure of a good burn in my eyes. I can feel the default world headspace starting to creep back in, with self doubt and insecurity and all the things that I wish were not my normal everyday ways, and hoping that some of this - the trust, the confidence, the self awareness, any of it - will just stay with me a little longer, just a little longer; & hoping that when it fades, what it leaves behind will still be enough.

[angryfaceexpert]

I was writing about Damirae, and I start crying because is so sad and cute 🥲💔

This is part of the conversation they had one night before the meeting with Dick and Kory.

...

When he reached his room, he took a deep breath trying to calm his fears, trying not to disturb the mood and tranquility of the beautiful woman resting on his bed, 2 years and a half ago she had returned to him, first in a dream then in truth, the memory of when he took her in his arms again, the tears in his eyes and the relief in his heart remained to this day as a memory of tranquility and love in his mind.

He took a quick shower, the ice cold water would help him calm down, he dressed and settled gently next to his wife, he encircled her in an embrace caressing her bulging belly, her pregnancy was already quite advanced, the trip would be quite tiring and dangerous for both of them, and all the emotions that the presence of both of them, plus his own could cause harm to her, was not something he was willing to allow.

- You think too hard, you want to share with me what stresses you.

- Forgive me beloved, I did not mean to disturb

- Is it because of the invitation that came?

- How do you know about... I'm sorry beloved, I was not sure whether to tell you, I was afraid that....

Only with her could he feel vulnerable and safe at the same time, he knew that this conflict in him worried her, so good and compassionate was his wife that with her silence and a loving look she asked him to continue, to take out what worried and stunned him.

- You just came back to me, you are in an advanced stage of pregnancy, I haven't spoken to any of them since I chose the league and I'm afraid of what might happen being there...I don't want to lose us again.

The smile on her face calmed him, she took his hand kissing it to place it on her belly, she pulled him to her to kiss him and settle in his arms.

- I have come back to you, I will always come back to you.... I belong to you...

- And I belong to you beloved

- Constantine has said that the pregnancy is normal and that everything will be fine, the girl has no trace of Trigon in her and if she had it, you and I will be there for her, as you have been there for me...

- Always beloved

- the distance between them and us is not as far as you think, and I know that your father will receive you as you will receive him, it has been a long time, it is time to fix the damage between, I know that you are afraid...

- What do I do if everything gets out of control, what happens if father doesn't accept that...

He lost his cool, fear began to suffocate him.

- DAMIAN! Stop it... please...

He was alarmed, he had let his emotions overflow hurting her in the process, he separated from her getting up from the bed, standing in front of the window, he whispered an apology seeing her through the reflections, the shock of her now husband's reaction moved her, she got up slowly approaching him to hug him trying to calm him down.

- I love you, you are an amazing being, you are an incredible husband and I know you will be a fantastic father.... You make me feel safe, loved and free

- You are my beloved home, my family, my friend, my world... I lost myself when I lost you, I won't be able to live it again.....

She took him by the cheeks, seeking to connect their gazes, a smile on her lips.

- You won't, I'm here, you're here, we're here... we're here...

He embraced her, letting the silence of the night and the clarity of the moon envelop them, finding the tranquility and the courage to continue, as long as she was with him, he would fight for her, for his family, for his world.

#damirae #damiraeforever #dcamu #demonbirds #damian x raven #raven #rachel roth #robin #damian wayne #damian al ghul #dc animated movies #dc

[mercurial-madhouse]

Trigger Warning: Healing is painful, but there’s so much light on the other side if we’re strong enough to walk through the dark.

My hope in sharing my story is to help anyone who reads it find peace or healing, just as I always aim with my fiction. If it feels right to you to do so, I encourage you to reblog this. It is highly personal, but I choose to share it publicly.

************

This past Sunday, I received an email responding to my desire to withdraw from a fic fest. Instead of the simple “You have been removed from the fest” that I’d been expecting through an official channel from mods to a participant, this is the response I received. Please be aware, the following is painful.

***

We've removed you from the fest and will mark you down as not being welcome to participate in future fests. We show a great deal of compassion toward our writers, which is why we send reminders, answer any and all questions, and provide extensions when requested. There's a reason why our fest has one of the highest numbers of fics of any fest/challenge in the fandom - it's because we support our participating writers and do everything possible to assist them as they complete their fics.

However, once a writer has repeatedly failed to communicate and missed both a deadline and an extended deadline, it's clear that they do not have any respect for the fest, the mods, our time, or our own unique situations, as we don't have endless extra hours to track down participants in a fic fest. Several reminders on three different platforms, an extension, and requests for writers to simply let us know if they need more time does not demonstrate a lack of compassion in any capacity. We also showed a great deal of compassion by welcoming you with open arms into the [redacted] after you insulted the fest, insulted [redacted] fics, and made writers uncomfortable last year after signing up to beta their fics, all while pretending to support and uplift writers in the fandom just as you did in your email here.

Have a great week!

- [redacted] Mods

***

This email arrived right at the end of the night, just as I was lying down to sleep. I couldn’t read it all the way through. It elicited a trauma response in me. My heart started racing, my palms were sweaty, I was shaking, I felt sick to my stomach.

I went into fight/flight/freeze/fawn mode. My first response was to freeze. In order to escape the barrage of pain bombarding me, I simply dissociated and disconnected from my body. It allowed me to sleep, but barely. I deleted the email in a desperate attempt to pretend it didn’t exist.

The pain caught up with me twenty-four hours later. I couldn’t breathe, my lungs shrunk in around my heart. My whole body locked up. I couldn’t move. I knew that if I spoke, even to say ‘hello’ to someone, I’d start crying.

The moment I was alone in my room the tears came. The pain came, bursting through me. I sobbed uncontrollably, curled into myself on my bed, begging for the pain to stop, begging for a miracle, screaming internally for relief and to understand what I’d done to deserve this because I didn’t have the air for more than broken whispers.

I fell asleep whispering ‘I need a miracle’ over and over. The mantra blocked out all the disgusting thoughts that wanted to keep swirling through my head. This is it. This is the final proof that you don’t belong here. You never have. You never will. Run away, M. It’s over. You tried, you failed. You always do. You always will.

I fell asleep out of sheer exhaustion.

Grief is intense. These are the moments where we don’t think we’ll survive what we’re feeling. My love, whoever you are, if you are reading this, hear from me. The agony passed. I needed to feel that agony, to allow it to move through me and to give myself the space to feel it. Without diving off the deep end into what hurts, I wouldn’t have been able to find the inner peace to keep healing, to start to understand.

The residual pain is still there, even as I write this post. But it no longer overwhelms my senses. And by Tuesday morning, I’d been given insight into what was happening.

I experienced a trauma response because it mirrored mistreatment I first received in childhood from family and classmates alike and continued into my adult life. In full view of others, it was acknowledged as cruel even by my mother, who struggles with her own guilt because she never stood up for me. No one did.

So I internalized the mistreatment. I must deserve it if everyone else around me is ok with me being singled out like this? At first I spoke up for myself. But in the end I stopped speaking up for myself too. I had never healed this pain and here it was, coming back around again, forcing me to face it, to heal it once and for all.

I still do not know what exactly I may have said to cause these accusations that you see in the email. **I do not and will not deny them.** Even if my words were taken in a way I did not consciously intend, to deny that I said anything that caused someone else pain is to deny my own power AND to deny that everyone’s emotions are valid and worth digging into.

I have the power to inflict pain, just as I have the power to spread and share love and joy.

Whatever I said came from a place of pain, of believing I did not belong in this community. That I am not good enough or worthy enough to be here. A series of unfortunate but necessary events when I first entered this fandom completely disintegrated my core beliefs in my abilities as a writer, something I have always kept so close to my heart, and my belief that I had a place in this fandom.

I expect, as I look into my past patterns, that what I did was try to logic why I wasn’t allowed to belong. At the time, this fest was the only subset of the fandom I knew, I was so brand new. So I looked through all the prompts in the fest. I brought a scientific method view to answering the question: “What is it about the fics people write in this fandom am I unable/incapable of doing?”

This process allowed me to generalize everything I saw that I perceived as ‘I can’t do that, this is why I don’t belong here’. Consumed in my own doubt that I could measure up and write something worth reading, I dropped from the fest last year too. If I can’t contribute writing that’s worth reading, I could at least stick with what I do best, which is helping others be their best selves. I had signed up to beta, and I chose to cling to the only grasp of belonging I had, which was through beta’ing. I ended up beta’ing four fics last year for the fest. And, of course, each of them were (and still are) incredible fics. At the time, it was further proof to me of exactly what I can’t accomplish.

In all likelihood, these generalizations, stemming from a place of pain and jealousy because I wanted to write good fics too, came out in a personal conversation with someone, which they translated as a personal attack. It is valid. Whoever you are, your emotions are valid. It does not matter how I meant whatever I said, pain is what you felt. This person did not feel comfortable sharing that pain with me, so instead they turned to others and shared. My moment of vulnerability and pain then spread more pain.

Pain only comes from pain.

The response was to shadow ban me. In fact, I was never meant to find out about any of this. The pain this person shared was simply taken at face value and that was that.

So on my end, this decision showed up in the physical world this way: Suddenly all my asks went unanswered, people I tagged to share snippets and last lines and get to know more through ‘about me’ posts or who had once talked to me through DMs simply stopped speaking to me in a way that is only noticeable to the person being ignored. I thought I was going crazy. But there it was, right in front of me: absolute proof that I wasn’t good enough to be a part of this fandom.

Is anyone else beginning to see the cycle of pain?

I expect I continued this cycle right back, because the pain turned to bitterness. I’d been doing everything I could to support every author the best way I knew how, and this was what I got? The exact opposite?

I found out about this shadow ban and actual blocking around June of this year. An ask sent in by a friend for me, inquiring why I couldn’t reblog a post that’d been sent to me by someone else, finally gave me the answer that I’d been banned for the accusations you saw above.

Horrified, hurt, and unable to comprehend any of this except to know that I support every author no matter what they write, I sent an apology to the mods, trying to end this cycle the best I could without knowing any of the details of what had happened. There was nothing more I could do.

They thanked me for the apology, though as you can see from the email, it was never accepted. I do not say that as a judgement call, but simply as a statement of what happened. Everyone is entitled to accept or not accept in their own time and their own ways.

I have been healing so much since everything that occurred last year. And the more I dig in to this cycle, the more my heart goes out to the drafters of this email, to the person I hurt with my words who then turned to share it out of context with others, and to the people who shadow banned me in connection with this situation.

We attract to us what resonates with us. Like attracts like. Which means just as I’ve attracted the greatest friends to me, I have also attracted this pain, and conversely, these mods and that person attracted me to them.

Deep down, on some level we share the same core wounds. And the person who can really understand just how painful those wounds can be is someone who feels them too.

So this is my message to the mods of the above email, to those who have shadow banned me and want nothing to do with me, and to the original person I hurt with my words:

I am sorry for my part in this pain. I am sorry for causing pain and I apologize for it. You are loved. You are enough. You are doing a fantastic job. Your feelings are valid. Your hurt is valid. I don’t know what occurred that hurt you before I entered the fandom, but after finding out from others that an email like the one you sent above is ‘Oh that’s just how they are’ tells me something else happened to hurt you before I even arrived.

Your hurt then is valid too. Allow yourself to feel it and process it. Don’t let it consume you. Don’t let that hurt and fear of it happening again or believing that that’s how everyone is push away from you people who in fact love just what you love. If someone has a different belief from yours, don’t let it invalidate what is true for you. Believing internalized lies about myself only caused me pain. And we spread and create what we believe to be true, whether we consciously realize it or not.

So here, now, is my truth:

I choose to perpetuate love. I choose to spread love. I choose to understand my pain and the pain of others, to transmute it, and to heal it, instead of passing that pain on.

I choose compassion. Compassion for myself in making these mistakes, and compassion for those who have hurt me. I do not condone the email that was sent to me. No one deserves to be treated that way. I choose to focus beneath the visceral anger and lashing out, to focus on the agony beneath the words, and stop this cycle of pain.

I choose to belong in this fandom. I choose to support every author in this fandom and ensure no one ever feels not good enough. I choose to own my past mistakes and learn from them.

I choose trust. To trust that those who I truly hope will see this, will see it. I have no expectations of responses or outcomes or reactions. My only hope is that whoever will benefit from seeing this post will see it.

This is not a matter of right or wrong, bad or good, just or unjust. It is a situation of two parties in pain, triggered by the same triggers.

Looking back on that email, I’ve come to realize that half of the pain I felt when I received it was not my own. I felt the pain of the attack, sure, but I also felt the immense pain beneath those words. And I wish I could hug you. I acknowledge your pain and I acknowledge how painful it is because I know that pain myself. I also know that this pain isn’t you and it isn’t who you are.

So I choose to remember the mods I first met around this same time last year in this same email chain. Mods who were so kind and offered advice to a brand new writer even when she sent an email that had nothing to do with the fest and was still struggling to find her place in the fandom. I choose to remember how beautiful that kindness felt. I choose to remember how I was so grateful for that kindness that I shared my gratitude for these same mods in an email with with another fandom friend at the time. I am still grateful for you.

You are so loved. You are loved for being exactly who you are. This fandom is built upon love. A shared love of five incredibly talented lads who have brought so much joy and light when each and every one of us has needed it the most. Shine your light through the dark and believe with all your heart that you are not alone. You have support. I support you. Shine on. Don’t let anyone dim it.

#Being this vulnerable #is an act of courage #I never knew I had #I'm not fearless #I feel ready to vomit #I have no idea how this will be received #but I am sharing my truth #have courage to share your truth #the world needs you

[remsmoonlight]

— title : sweeter than candy

— word count : 3k words

— pairing : daryl dixon x reader

— summary : daryl is good at keeping things buried, but when the thought of words left unsaid do you both realise you have both been thinking the same thing about the other. 

— warnings : mentions injuries, mentions of death

“ hi!! OMGG I came across your account and I’m obsessed with your writing!! I was wondering if you could write a Daryl Dixon x Reader following candy coated promises. Where Daryl has developed feelings for reader and following an errand run she gets injured and has to stay in bed. And Daryl find out! If that makes sense! Thank you!!! “

           ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*   requests are open ! / requested by anon *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

A deep desperation of yearning to be useful has led you to forget the risks involved in the interminable list of things that wish to cause you harm and are able to on such an intense scale. Luck had been on your side for so long, the illusion of life’s greatest ally refusing eluding your group for this long has proved itself to be just that — nothing more than an illusion. Once the burning of fear had dulled to nothing more than a dim ache, all you now feel is the one wound that does not run red yet pours into your veins as if it does. Stupidity. You’d volunteered yourself to go on a run with a small group, you’d spent enough time before the barbed wire fences, that you felt yourself becoming trapped.

A deep regret that would follow you even in death would be if any of your group would, too, meet their chapter’s end too soon by an immense error made on your part.

One thing that lays dormant in your mind, yet unable to completely fade is the fear of becoming too settled in safety. Spending too much time wrapped in a blanket of comfort that provides refuge from the grit the outside world revels in only hands you a vulnerability unsuitable for a reality submerged in death that roams freely. You don’t want to forget how to survive, you’ve come too far for that.

Part of that is how you have ended up being put to bedrest.

Your brain is yet to sort through and file the fleeting images that blend together into one disorientating image instead of a folder of what had occurred picture by picture. In one instance the group and yourself had been rummaging through the shelves that still contained some stock and the next, you’re rushing Maggie out of the way and pushing over shelves onto a growing horde of walkers. Though in the next second, your heart fell a thousand feet below as you lost your balance from the liquid coating the floor from where they’d tumbled and smashed to the floor, with the shards of glass forming a bewitching hazard.

“ your ankle still givin’ you trouble? “

The voice pulls you out of your thoughts, your sight settling on Maggie.

“ I don’t know if that hurts more or if these scratches do. “ You complain, your fingers lightly tug at the bandages that cover the fresh wounds that coat both of your palms, you take note of a number of loose fibres from the material.

“ Glass’ll do that to ‘ya. “ She chuckles, slowly moving into the room. She grabs a chair from the metal desk on the side and moves it next to your bed. “ I never got a chance to say thanks. “

“ You don’t have to worry about it. “ you refuse, shaking your head in turn.

“ I feel it’s my fault you’re like this. “

“ If we’re going to blame anyone, let’s blame my eyesight. I should have seen that wet patch. I should have been more careful. “ Frustration that burns bright in your reply as you turn away from her. Perhaps you’d spent too much time concealed from the harsh reality that constantly claws at you all as it takes refuge in a thick coat of a hauntingly isolating fog as it waits to drag you down with it further into the depths.

Mistakes are synonymous with fatalities now, one moment you’re on top of the world and in the next you can be in a free fall clutching the thin air as if it should be your saviour. Never have moments been promised, and this fact has never shone clearer than when the dead claimed the Earth for itself in an effort to void it of life wholly.

“ Hey, don’t be too hard on yourself. “ Maggie brings a hand forward to squeeze your shoulder momentarily, a comforting smile packaged with it easing some of the self loathing you could feel weaving itself into your being.

“ I don’t have much to do in here by myself, I have to keep myself entertained somehow. “

“ Well, I got an idea.. “ She trails off, a mischievous grin lifting her lips.

“ Maggie.. “ You utter a strict warning, already knowing where the conversation is about to lead.

She pauses for a second, laughter bouncing from grimy wall to grimy wall as she reacts to your cautionary tone, the light in her eyes bursting with the power of a thousand stars as it illuminates her features. Gratitude for the fleeting moments of rare normalcy that reflects a past occurrence in the old world runs deep, for a fraction of a second you can pretend you’re simply two friends joking about something goofy and foolish. For a minute, you’re not sheltering in a decrepit prison as you run from walkers, it’s a perfectly average afternoon.

“ You can’t tell me you don’t realise the way he looks your way now? I know you’ve been lookin’.. “

“ Okay, I think I'm tired now. “ You huff, shifting your body as to your ability with your injured ankle to face the wall that has an array of stains permanently painted into its surface.

Maggie only laughs in response, the sounds of steps dulling into nothing more than a ghost of an echo that informs you of her departure. Her words have pulled a string you’d not wished to pay attention to until it would be absolutely necessary. Needless to say that as much as you’d tried to bury the budding seeds of affection into the dirt, they’d only bloomed in force into a sea of colour with the evidence left to coat your fingertips for everyone to see.

Never had it been your intention to entertain this idea, when anything positive you’ve managed to seize with both hands can be ripped away so unexpectedly that you are left to nurse the empty space left behind of what once had been, grieving the idea of what could have been. However, there’s a dim curiosity that softly grows in size that envelopes around you, compelling a desire to reacquaint yourself with a human intimacy that fell to the back of the queue as the instinct to survive overwhelmed it. You don’t want to fear living, you don’t want to fear connecting to others on a deeper level, but you can’t help but simply.. be afraid.

Had you been in a different reality where the world continued on as normal, you would have probably fallen under his spell sooner.

Only after that one night you’d spent on watch together after he’d gone out of his way to bring you such a simple gift illuminated him in a way that your sight would often lean towards him. Many times you would find yourself analysing his actions on a deeper level, a coy warmth burying itself in the pit of your stomach when realising he’d included you in his thought process. From the chocolate bar, to you being the first person he’d check on if you needed anything before heading out on a run, to even the simple act of being there just to talk when life felt rough. A shape of one Daryl Dixon had been carved out by the man before either of you had realised.

A thunderous groan erupts from your lips as you turn onto your back to stare at the bunk on top with the realisation hitting you like a train threatening not to stop. You completely adore the Dixon.

About an hour away from the Prison Daryl secures the last of the rabbits caught, they swing side to side with each of his calculated movements. All Daryl finds himself wanting to do is to get back to the Prison, unable to push down the inclination of being back to the comfort the life behind those metal fences bring. It’s been a long day and all he’s interested in is getting back to those he holds dear.

That thought is when a fleeting frame of your face crosses his mind. Though he speaks not of which he truly wishes to share, the time you do spend together is something he cherishes more than a billionaire would with all of the money and rubies in the world if they had them in the palm of their hands. The darker side of him, the side that would always listen to those who preferred to taint his waters with their gloom, doesn’t allow the emotions constantly swirling within him to be touched by the burning sun rays as they are laid bare.

Heavy breaths fall without grace from his chest as he’s let through the gates, the stony expressions etched deeply into Carol’s features. No words need to be uttered to know it’s to do with you, Daryl doesn’t even allow a thought before he’s making his way on a path he has walked a thousand times and will walk a thousand times more. Creaks that echo in the darkening corridors that are not lit by the comforting flames of candles, the prison sounding as if it’s more in pain than it appears — still, he pays no care. His only goal is to check on you, he’d be unable to forgive himself if anything were to happen to you and he’d never be able to see you one last time. His brain conjures a number of horrific scenarios and tainted pictures to accompany them as it runs wild in a sea of dread.

The crossbow that had been secured in Daryl’s grip is lowered gently to the ground as he scans your form, a grateful sigh when he sees the slow movement of breathing.

He lowers himself into the chair next to your bed, trying to pinpoint the moment he’d stopped gazing upon your form as a friend to replace it with an aura of starlight — no longer did he see the colour of your eyes, but galaxies full of life and wonderment. Daryl allows himself a few seconds to chase each other by as he considers his next action, though deep down he’s aware his decision had already been chosen, as he threads his fingertips into yours to allow your warmth to comfort the panic that had been raging at the thought of your demise. His thumb traces a circle that is light enough to keep you tucked away in a slumber and as a comfort technique for him, where his mind allows him the time to placate himself.

Before he’s aware of it, the sky blends into itself once more as the pastel hues paint it with dashes of gold from the sun as dawn breaks and he’s hunched over with your hands still connected as one — the position held the entire night. Nothing can be heard in the confined space except a symphony of soft breathing from you both, the serenity only the early hours in which no one is awake brings comfort to the sleeping forms of you and Daryl.

A lengthy yawn escapes your lips as your eyes fight to open as they blink heavily to adjust to the light that invades as much as it can. The weight of something lying comfortably in your hands confuses you, as you distinctly remember there had been no pressure previously, the image before you washes your entire body with the icy grip of shock as you scan the trail leading from the hand within yours to the person it belongs to. Teeth grip your bottom lip as you bite it, attempting to battle away a smile that wishes to break free, you can’t believe the sense of humour that the universe has. Not an inch is moved by any part of your body, you seek to savour the intensity that such a simple action bears, your eyes positively glowing in adoration as a softer side to the man is revealed. Moments like these are few and far between, it leaves you wanting to bottle it up and pocket it forever.

A squeak of displeasure cuts through the serenity the early hours have worked so hard to cultivate as you inch your injured ankle to the side, clearly different positions prove to be the opposite of beneficial. The noise is enough to wake Daryl, his sudden alertness makes you doubt whether he’d truly been in a deep rest, but it’s the least of your worries as he realises he spent the night with his grip connected to yours. The warmth that brought a grounding comfort to your being now is a phantom touch you crave again once an eerily coolness now surrounds your empty palm.

“ ‘M sorry ‘bout that. “

“ There’s nothing to apologise for, Daryl. It was nice. “ You confess, your volume touches the air with a softness of a feather that descends to below in an elegant waltz.

“ Mhm. “ He turns his gaze to the floor, a thumb is chewed upon lightly as he’s wondering what he should say next. “ ‘Was worried about ‘ya as soon as I got back. “

“ Yeah, things just kinda happened. “

“ ‘Ya gotta watch y’self more out there. “ He scolds you with a light scorch of misplaced anger that almost lays eternally with him, a wave of anxiety at the thought of losing you are twins in a realm of horror he never wants to bear witness to.

“ I know, Daryl. “

Poisonous words full of fire and fury born out of dread of your existence in his life being cut short itch to burn your indifference to the situation. As he settles his gaze upon you, all he can see are the stolen moments you both have shared away from the group, where the person he’d created in his head built without even speaking to had been smashed into shards the more he got to know — you’re a fresh breath of peace in an unstable world that thrives on chaos. Quiet moments where all he can hear are the flickering embers of the fire are the memories he finds himself kicking for, all that lost time to never be recovered due to his preconceived notions.

“ Do ‘ya? “ Daryl shakes his head in frustration, his soul a pot of swirling emotions and thoughts blinding him to the point he can’t see straight. “ I can’t lose ‘ya. “

His voice is so low you barely hear it, your brows thread together in the slightest form as they’re unused to the window of Daryl’s vulnerability being so widely open.

“ You won’t. “ A faint twitch of your lips means well, you try to comfort the man. Your touch is delicate as your palm overlaps his with warmth.

“ Y’can’t promise that. “

“ But I can try! “ You argue lightly, a bounce in your response.

“ Forget it. “ Daryl sighs harshly, shaking his head as if to rid himself of the thoughts that run circles around his mind.

“ Daryl! Wait. “ Your voice falls on deaf ears as he’s already halfway towards the exit of the room, for a moment you forget your injury and a burning sensation flies with boundless wings up your protesting muscles and you land in a heap on the floor. The bandages do nothing to cushion your fall, you cry out in pain from the intensity of the throbbing plaguing your body.

“ Why can’t ‘ya be careful!? Damn it. “

Before you know it, Daryl is level with you as you feel his touch grazing your skin — ensuring you’d not injured yourself further. Guilt pools in his stomach at the thought of your current suffering being his fault, his ire now directs itself brightly towards him.

“ Dar — what’s going on? Why are you acting like this? “ You quiz as your expression contorts into a grimace. You’d not seen him behave like this for what feels like a long century, even more so when directed towards you.

“ Like what?! Huh? “

“ You’re being crazy! “ You state, your finger jabs into his chest.

“ Ain’t it obvious? “ Daryl asks suddenly.

Your head shakes, confusion clouds your features as if it’s an angry storm that has waited long enough for the calm — nothing can be seen through the darkened skies. All you want is for the sunny rays of truth to shed light upon this mess.

“ ‘Ya mean more to me than you should. “

“ Daryl? Do.. do you — ? “

He nods suddenly, unable to hear the words out loud no matter how true they ring, because as real as it is. There would be no taking it back then. Your lips purse as a sad smile lifts itself with no help from you, your heart hurting as you realise this could have been avoided entirely since you both appear to be on the same page. You acknowledge the fact that actions would speak louder than words in this scenario, your fingertips brush through darkened strands of hair as if they play a sheet of music with the aging competence of a commanding pianist. This is one of many songs your mind finds itself conjuring, a burning hope of this forging something more between you. It’s not long before your arms are wrapped around his neck, with Daryl unable to believe the scene in which he finds himself in, you’re a sky full of stars that he finds himself wanting to get lost in.

“ We can take this one step at a time, yeah? “ You question softly, not wanting to be witness to the fleeting images of a set of angel wings.

He agrees silently, a warmth spreads outwards from your cheeks and treks outwards to cover your completely. The moment is sweet, as it concludes with a honeyed kiss on his tanned cheek. In one frame you both are thinking the same thing, just how lucky you are to have fought through your fears of living and given in to taking the plunge into unchartered waters that Maggie and Glenn have already found themselves navigating.

In a world full of the dead, you both agree that to love shouldn’t be a reason to cower and hide.

#daryl x reader #daryl dixon x reader #daryl dixon oneshot #twd imagine #daryl fic #twd oneshot #daryl dixon imagine

[motherland]

Ship Spotlight: Raylla [Part 1]

Motherland: Fort Salem’s Taylor Hickson and Amalia Holm, sat down with us to chat about their characters, Raelle and Scylla, the Raylla ship, their favorite fan art, moral grey areas, and who else they ship on the show. Check it out:

Do you personally ship Raylla? Why or why not? 

Taylor Hickson: I do! I think Eliot Laurence and his writer's team are giving solid representation to communities, groups and individuals that felt unheard or misunderstood for a long time. I heavily connect with the idea of boundless love. I think to truly care about someone or something, you will face all odds in the way of you and your love. I'm very abstract in what I consider romance, but that is one traditional concept I've adopted and stand by. Love that lasts stems from "us vs. the world" not "us vs each other". I've spent a lot of time in my personal relationships making that discovery. I think that's something we see Raylla challenged with. Something they beautifully represent.

Amalia Holm: In the world of Motherland, I do! The strength they give each other is enough to make them both want to become better people, and I’m weak for that. In the real world, I think it’s hard to know when to let someone go — when the relationship is hurting you more than it is rewarding you. No matter the world, I do believe that people can change for the better.

Who else do you ship on Motherland: Fort Salem? 

TH: CRAVENWOOD. So cute!

AH: I ship Abigail and Adil. Hoping they will have a deep going relationship and teach each other about their two respective worlds. I like that Abigail falls for someone with a completely different world view. Can’t wait to see if Petra Bellweather will approve or not. If Adil continues to fall for Abigail, I wonder how that will be seen upon in his Tarim Cell.

Do you think that Scylla can be redeemed, especially given that she may feel regret for her actions? 

TH: I do! I'm personally a very forgiving individual. I believe that no one is purely good or bad. Our mistakes and choices can help us grow. Especially in our teens, when making discoveries about who we are feels a lot heavier. We're all trying to do the right thing and be the best versions of ourselves. These characters are plunging themselves into morally grey waters. Just like the rest of us.

AH: Tough question. In one way: yes, or I hope so. In another way, her actions have been justified by the war she is fighting and it will all depend on whether or not she will stick to her cause and in what context. Also, if she can find a measure of justice for her murdered parents. 

Do you think that Raelle will be able to forgive Scylla when she finds out the extent of what she’s done? 

TH: I think Raelle is a lot less forgiving than most people. She carries her pain from her past in all the decisions she makes. When she commits to taking someone out of her life, it's very hard to reconcile once she feels she's been betrayed. I'm hoping she can apply what she's learned and keep an open mindedness to other people's motivations and situations. It will be that much stronger to see such a reluctant character overcome her adversities.

AH: Depending on the strength of their connection at the time of Raelle finding out, she might be more or less willing to put her knowledge of Scylla’s heart and vulnerability first and see Scylla’s actions through a forgiving lens. It is in Scylla’s favor that Raelle previously has been such a critic of the military and how it endangers witches. They need to find a common way with much better means. Would love for one of them to run for office!

Can you share your favorite piece of Raylla fan art?

TH: There are SO many beautiful pieces. There are sooo many talented artists enjoying our show! It's impossible to pick just one. But because I have to, I’m choosing this one [by Ophélie Mähl] because it felt like a poster for their entire relationship.

AH: It took me forever to choose because I just want to honor them all. The little comics, the posters, the oil paintings...I’m choosing this one [by @runawaybeesh​] for its dreamlike setting where Raylla is spending time together outside of Fort Salem. 

If you were in your character’s shoes, how would you handle the situation that she’s currently in? 

TH: Both Raelle and myself mirror each other in love. We both work hard to maintain stability within our relationships. When that consistency is taken away from us, we get very messy; we feel powerless in our relationships or situations. It often leads to unintentionally hurting others we love while chasing to get that stability back. I see myself very likely reacting the same way.

AH: Right now Scylla is a wreck, having had her love and integrity taken away from her. Being a wreck, I think I too would lick my wounds and become a little morbid before recharging. It would all depend on how tired, hungry and drained I would be. If there is a hint of hope for my future, I hope I would have fought back with whatever I have.

But wait, there’s more! Check out Part 2 here and catch Motherland: Fort Salem Wednesdays at 9pm/8c on Freeform. Next day on Hulu.

#ship spotlight #motherland #raylla #taylor hickson #amalia holm #Motherland: Fort Salem #raelle collar #scylla Ramshorn #Motherland Fort Salem #MotherlandFortSalem #freeform #witch #witches

[lovebecomeshim]

hello! your zutara posting today has finally motivated me to ask this question because I came to atla very late(last year, to be specific) and I Love It Very Much but am 1000% out of the loop as far as why what remains of fandom (at least that I've seen among my friends) is so very strongly zutara. I'm not opposed to it per se I just don't really know what has driven it to apparently be such a popular ship? can you help me understand and maybe convert me a little bit?

Hey!! Your ICON! :D I can try but I’m not sure how coherent I’ll be; however I AM sure someone a lot more competent will be willing to add to this. Either way, I’m glad you asked because my plan was to drag down as many people as possible with me.

*smacks the hood of zutara* this baby can fit so much mutual love and support!

This got so long, I’m so sorry. I don’t know how to put it under a cut on mobile and it already got deleted once so I’m scared to mess with it lol. Moving on.

I’m gonna start this with a disclaimer that im on mobile so formatting is tricky and I’m also really new to atla in that I only completed my first watch through in like 2019??? So some of my info is all just based on what I’ve picked up from Discourse 👀 so anyway the sparknotes version: zutara was wildly popular from the beginning. To the point where the atla crew internally disagreed on which ship should be endgame. (Ex. Bryke [showrunners] asked the writers to rewrite The Southern Raiders to make Zuko seem less ideal for Katara than Aang [which failed, depending on who you ask]; the animation team purposefully created a visual parrallel between Oma and Shu in the Cave of Two Lovers and Zuko and Katara in the catacombs under Ba Sing Se in the Crossroads of Destiny; etc.)

The ship was popular enough that Bryke actually chose to display zk fanart at a con for the sole purpose of mocking the fans, but that’s neither here nor there. The entire episode Ember Island Players, while a love letter to/parody of the whole show, was an opportunity to address zutara’s viability as a canon pairing (while, again, mocking zutaras for romanticizing that catacombs scene). Point is! It’s always been popular but with it not being endgame, there’s got to be something that’s given it staying power.

And that’s honestly got to do with three things: their dynamic, thematic cohesion, and potential.

(You know what... you know what, it’s four things. The fourth is they’re so aesthetically pleasing together and individually. Like, they’re just good looking people [specifically when they’re grown but they’re also cute kids] and that absolutely doesn’t hurt) (but it’s not the Point, it’s just nice to point out sometimes)

The dynamic is hard to get into without also looking at the canon pairings, but I think I can do that without unnecessary bashing. It’s just that part of the magic of zutara is really highlighted by what they give to each other that their other relationships don’t.

First off, it’s classic enemies to (would be) lovers. The absolute truest form of it. It’s not too different from how CS started out: a rogue antagonist with a job to do—but no personal vendetta against the future love interest—who is deeply and emotionally invested in his personal storyline (revenge/redemption) with little regard for how it effects other people after his entire life and genuine good nature are marred by suffering, and a fierce warrior girl with a strong moral compass and her own personal investment in stopping him (protect her family and save the world doing it). Obviously frustration and animosity grew between them by the nature of them being on opposing sides, but that just lends itself to the sweetness of their later reconciliation.

The thing is that while they’re wildly different on the surface (he’s a hot-headed prince of a fascist regime who is trying to capture the Avatar to please his father; she’s a nurturing daughter of the chief who is trying to protect and train the Avatar in order to topple his father’s throne) they find out that they have so much more in common both in their experiences and their personalities.

(What follows is an excessive use of the word “both” and I’m sorry about that)(I can edit it. I can do that. That IS an option............)

They both have an innate sense of justice that they are determined to see done (zuko, at the war meeting, sticking up for the Earth Kingdom kid when the guards torment his family, choosing not to steal from the pregnant couple despite his circumstances, abiding by his word to leave the SWT should Aang come willingly, etc.; katara, literally.... at any point). They both have pretty one-track minds at accomplishing certain goals once they’ve put their mind to it, regardless of a lack of support in that endeavor (it goes without saying I guess, but zuko’s entire hunt; katara’s determination to get the earth benders to fight back, her determination to absolutely destroy Pakku until he agrees to teach her, etc.). They both lost their mothers at young ages. Their worlds are war-torn and traumatizing to them both, if in different ways, but that ultimately forces them to grow up too quickly to be wholly independent individuals. They both have issues with their fathers (for WILDLY different reasons, but). They both hold extreme prejudices that they need to learn to overcome (which ties into thematic cohesion)(bit like Lizzie and Darcy in that way but magnified by a million). They’re both extremely emotional and empathetic—which can and often does result in loud outbursts. Katara’s a bit better adjusted and can temper her anger for longer than S1 Zuko can, but they both feel that anger deeply and have no compunctions expressing it (Katara is, usually, more justified, particularly in S1. Again, S1 Zuko is severely maladjusted but at the point when they could’ve feasibly become a couple, he’s so much better off with the way he carries himself). They both struggle with feelings of inferiority in their bending abilities when confronted with prodigal benders like Aang and Azula, but have the work ethic required to double down and become two of the most powerful benders in the three remaining nations. This is a little more minor but it is a parrallel that appeals to some shippers that they both have these alter egos in the Painted Lady (notably fire nation coded) and the Blue Spirit (water tribe coded) that are pretty different from who they are day-to-day and are useful in accomplishing a purpose that they as themselves cannot.

(I’m.... I just realized that this could potentially get very long. Should I have made a slide show with bullet points??????)

Anyway, similar. I know there’s more but there’s literally so much to love about zutara that I’ll drive myself a little crazy trying to compile all the ways they’re similar. (Just gonna say that at this exact moment I went back to add more similarities.... so okay then)

Once they’ve reconciled, we see how all of these things only lend themselves to a deeper intimacy together than they share with literally anyone else. There’s a steady partnership that positions them as the mom/dad of the gaang, while also providing the support necessary to allow the other to not have to carry so much responsibility. A lot of zutaras will point out how zuko is actually depicted doing the more domestic chores that are normally relegated to Katara once he joins the gaang, since the others in the group are two 12-year-olds and sokka. The one that sticks out the most is how he makes tea for the group and then serves them, while Katara is able to just relax with her friends around the fire. Fanon expands upon this a lot to Zuko helping with the laundry or the cooking or whatever else needs doing since he, as a once-refugee, is used to doing his own domestic tasks. Before Zuko joined, Katara was the one mothering everyone, sewing for them, cooking for them, etc. She’s always tending to the needs of the group, and that includes emotionally. She does the emotional labor for the gaang 99% of the time, but when she’s the one falling apart, she’s usually doing it alone and without the comfort that she normally provides for others. Until Zuko. And that’s before they’re even friends.

Which is WHY people romanticize the catacombs of Ba Sing Se so much. Katara is verbally attacking Zuko out of her own righteous anger but also her own prejudice when Zuko, surprisingly, chooses to be vulnerable with her. He’s been on a journey that’s opened his eyes a bit, but he’s never actively chosen to expose the rawest parts of his past to anyone. But for some reason he chooses to do that with Katara of all people. While she’s yelling at him. He sees her humanity, and for once can look past his prejudice and empathize with her. And this time, when she breaks down, she gets to be comforted. Katara normally talks about her mother when she’s trying to explain to someone else that she sees and understands they’re pain, as a form of comfort to them. Here, Zuko uses the exact same tactic. He sees her and he understands. And for zuko? He’s not being shut down. He’s allowed to articulate his pain regarding his mother without being ignored and made to internalize it, and he’s allowed to process how he feels about his scar out loud without being told that he deserved it. And then he lets her touch his scar, something we’ve seen him actively avoid before. He’s completely open to her and she’s completely open to him and all it took was one five minute conversation. She was about to use the little bit of Spirit water that she had, that she was saving for something Important, to heal the scar that still daily causes him pain just because they had, somehow, connected.

Plus there’s the whole parallel to the star-crossed lovers forbidden from one another, a war divides their people—

And then zuko messes up, he regresses, he gets what he wants and he HATES it. And the sense of justice he had as a child has been restored to him against his will and he can’t think of anything he wants to do more than the Right Thing, so he joins team avatar. Before he does that though, we get to see his relationship with Mai, which is where comparison really comes in. And what we see is Zuko, fresh off of his encounter with Katara in the catacombs, trying to be emotionally honest with Mai... and getting shut down and dismissed. Which is just how Mai is and it’s fine, but not for Zuko. Still, he keeps trying, and he keeps getting ignored or scoffed at or yelled at. Which is really a larger symbol for how he doesn’t fit in his old life anymore, but again that’s about thematic cohesion. He tries to articulate his anxieties about returning home, he tries to make romantic gestures, he tries to explain how morally conflicted he’s feeling—and Mai diverts to some kind of physical affection to shut him up and a parting comment that is pretty much always, in essence, “I don’t wanna talk about this.” So they don’t. On the other hand, once zuko and Katara are friends, we see him again emotionally distraught and caught up in his anxieties about facing Iroh, and it’s Katara who comes to him and listens to him and comforts and encourages him.

Similarly, we have Aang clamming up and getting uncomfortable whenever Katara shows any negative emotion, usually resulting in him making excuses or running away. Or, in the case of the Southern Raiders, lecturing her on how she needs to just let go of her anger about her mother’s murder. People have talked this episode to death and usually better than I ever could, so imma... keep it brief. There’s a serious disconnect between Aang and Katara in his ability to empathize with Katara and her needs that has her tamping down her vulnerability and amping up her anger. He tells her that he was able to forgive his people’s genocide and appa’s kidnapping (petnapping? Theft??), which is blatantly not true but also not an entirely equal parrallel to Katara’s situation, and continues making these little remarks throughout the episode. But it’s Zuko that Katara opens up to. It’s with him that she’s able to talk about the most traumatic day of her life, and it’s with him that she’s able to get the closure she needs, cementing their bond as friends and partners. This disagreement between Aang and Katara is then... never resolved. They just never bring it up and hear what the other is saying.

There’s a fic called The Portraits of Ember Island that has a line that so completely sums up the heart of the matter for why people love their dynamic. For context, zuko has woken up early to help Katara with the cooking and they spend the whole time just letting one another talk, and zuko stops to ask why she always just lets him talk. And so she stops to ask why he’s always helping, and it goes as follows:

There’s just... so much mutual support! Trust! Intimacy!! And it just continues like that from the Southern Raiders on, listening to each other, advising each other, watching each other’s backs! And then! Literally saving each other’s lives!! I will never be over the last Agni kai. Not ever. Zuko may have been willing to jump in front of lightning for anyone, but he actually did it for Katara. And in a show, that’s the thing that really matters. It’s a fulfilled trope usually exclusively applied to romantic pairings, and it ended up applying to Zuko and Katara. And then she ran out into the middle of a fight with tunnel vision just to get to him.

Also!! Also Zuko pushing Katara out of the way of the falling rocks at the Western Air Temple!! And Katara catching him as he fell from the war balloon that he fought Azula on!! Before they’re even getting along, they’re the ones reaching for each other. They come to this place of equal ground, as partners, who watch each other’s backs, call each other out but still listen attentively and understand, and provide the support that the other has been sorely lacking up until they knew each other (whether that be from lack of effort or lack of understanding from others, or an unwillingness to accept it for themselves).

Then, trailing along under the surface of this, we see the themes of the show totally embodied by Zuko and Katara as individuals and in their relationship to one another. There’s a YouTuber, sneezyreviews, who has a, like, 2-hour explanation on why she not only loves zutara but also believes that their endgame would’ve actually elevated the writing of atla to new levels particularly because of thematic cohesion and resolved character arcs. It’s the zutara dissertation I never knew I needed, and it’s funny and eloquent and effective, so I’m just going to sum up her section on thematic cohesion to the best of my abilities and then link it for whenever you have the time. And I HIGHLY recommend it, especially if you want a full understanding of what makes zutara so great and gives it such longevity.

Guru pathik has a line that goes something like this: separation is an illusion; things that seem different are just two parts of the same whole. Iroh also tells Zuko something similar: balance and strength are achieved when the different nations come together and influence one another and celebrate what makes them each unique. And this lesson is a massive central arc that both Zuko and Katara go through, moving past a black-and-white, good guys-vs-bad guys, us-vs-them mentality and into a greyer, more nuanced view of the world. Zuko sees the fire nation from an entirely new perspective and while he still loves and hopes for his nations future, he surrenders his blind loyalty to them in exchange for an unflinching loyalty to peace and love. Katara too had to come to terms with the fact that cruel people exist in the earth kingdom and water tribes, while some fire nation citizens are just regular, kind people who also need and deserve to have someone speak on their behalf. And this is honed in directly on how they view each other. They grow in their individual journeys to be open to the humanity in the other and then, once they’ve found that, they’re able to grow more in compassion for others in a beautiful feedback loop. And this is all matched in the symbolism repeatedly and intentionally associated with them in canon: sun and moon, fire and water, yin and yang, Oma and Shu who found love despite their warring nations. Their individual arcs are completed in each other and complement the themes of atla beautifully.

The canon pairs... just don’t. Which, again, is fine. But the very things that give atla longevity and popularity are anchored in zutara. Kat@ang doesn’t accomplish this. They’re... nice. Sweet. Especially when you erase a good portion of their interactions in S3. It could’ve been just a sweet love story. (Personally, the dynamic between toph and aang accomplish the same thing that zutara does, with complementary personalities that fulfill the theme of opposites blending in harmony) M@iko, on the other hand, is less sweet but I think wasn’t even supposed to last. Zuko’s relationship with Mai seems to represent his relationship with his old life as a whole. He can’t be emotionally vulnerable, he’s goaded into abusing his privileges, his agency and opinions aren’t respected. They just don’t have common ground with which to discuss anything that matters, so they don’t. As far as themes, the relationship doesn’t fit with atla. It’s zuko returning to and sticking with what is (on the surface) like him, what’s expected. Fire nation with fire nation. Fluid water bender with the flexible air bender. Like with like, separated from what is different and challenging and complementary.

And all of these things combined of course lead to the potential for the ship. I don’t know how familiar you are with the post-atla canon but... well, miss “I will never turn my back on people who need me”, miss “I don’t want to heal! I want to fight!” ends up living quietly in the SWT as a designated healer who turns a blind eye to the water tribe civil war happening right outside her front door. Which can be fine! People change! Some people just wanna stay inside. I just wanna stay inside! But the potential future for zutara is so much more satisfying, with Katara becoming the most unconventional Fire Lady the uppity old cads who are stuck on the old ways have ever seen. Fanon has her serving as a voice for the other nations within a kingdom at the point of its biggest political upheaval, as a confidante to Zuko who can actually help him while he’s trying to figure out how to move forward and make reparations. They have the opportunity, together, to accomplish what they both have set on their hearts to fight for: positive change that lends itself to harmony and balance. And the steambabies! A popular headcanon is that their firstborn daughter, the crown princess, is actually a waterbender, which causes such an uproar among the people who are adamantly clinging to the old ways. It’s just a future full of potential to be forces for good together, full of trust, intimacy, joy. The exact era of peace and love and balance that zuko announces that he intends to ring in with the start of his reign as Fire Lord is, again, magnified by the very personal zutara relationship. And we love to see it.

tl;dr zutara isn’t for everyone. Some people just don’t vibe with it. Some are nostalgic. Some love the canon they grew up with. Some have been disappointed for years. Some just see themselves in other characters and want their happiness instead. Whatever the reason, that’s fine. But for me, I love the way these two, from the moment they give each other a fair chance, are able to lower their walls and prejudices to see the other for the kindred spirits they are. They see each other’s humanity, and their response is to pour out love and support and compassion. I love that they’re a power couple in battle. I love the symbolism and, honestly, soulmatism that colors their every interaction. I love that they embody the whole storyline of atla in their relationship and how it develops, which is notably why their seasonal arcs always culminate in each finale with how they relate to one another. I love that zuko adopting a waterbending move is what actually saves his life and then katara’s. I love the chemistry! And I love the future they could’ve had, instead of the ones they were given.

So, in conclusion: I just think they’re neat and I hope you do too, at least a little bit. Even if it’s just respectfully from a disinterested distance cause you do you. And now here is the video I mentioned. I’m sorry this post got so long and then I gave you an even longer homework assignment, but I can’t recommend it enough. She says it all better than I can.

#zutara #atla #zutara rant #like really the way the canon relationships were written throughout s3 #it would’ve been more believable for zutara to happen #or at least be hinted at #all of the major issues presented in those relationship were dug up extensively and then... never resolved #and then they just slapped some kisses on a screen and said ‘there all better’ #and we just kinda had to say ‘oh ok guess it’s all better then’ #this got long I’m sorry #I wrote it all out and then tumblr ate 2/3 of it #which is why it took so long #and what I’ve written now doesn’t even match what I had before #because there’s too much to say about why I love zutara #and the stuff I left out the first time is what came out this time #rip to my original thoughts but this post is different #anyway that’s why this took so long #and I should’ve just made a PowerPoint... #I can do that too if you’d rather not read all of this lol #I won’t be offended #this is incoherent #Alia rambles uselessly #also hoping this doesn’t end up in any wrong tags because I don’t wanna step on toes lol #it’s not anti!! it’s just critical #in a compare/contrast way #I can pinpoint the moment when I started trying to rewrite my points from memory #because everything gets shorter and more succinct #like... I really said all that??? sounds fake and I don’t remember it anyway so here’s the condensed version #with no!! smooth!!! transitions!!!! #also why am I so lazy with proper grammar over text

[montystarotchild]

💥2021 Predictions for the Zodiac💥

Sun, Moon, Venus, Rising

These readings were originally handwritten and channeled with care. I hope that it resonates and eases us into the dynamic energy of all that 2021 holds for us! If you feel called to, hold onto this post as a reference throughout 2021.

Oh and Happy Full Moon in Cancer! 🌕

Aries (Tiger’s Eye, 444)

2021 will be a deep dive for you emotionally. This is the year you tap into your intuition on purpose. This year has proven that sometimes things just don’t make sense to us. We have been challenged in 2020 to keep moving forward into the unknown. It makes no sense to stop now. A main lesson in 2021 will be to surrender to the workings of the Universe and allow passion to drive you forward instead of doubt. This is an opportunity to expand your consciousness and to reawaken your spirit. 2021 will be a chance for you to tap into your true passions. For some, this may be another year of limited connection to others and I’m seeing that this might not be a problem for you. You are going to be so enthralled with learning more about the subconscious, specifically your own, and how the mind works. I’m also seeing a curiousity around hidden things i.e. solving mysteries/puzzles. This will be the time for you to pursue what is calling to your intuition. It may be to learn a different language or to learn more about language in general. There may be a major shift or many shifts in your perspective in 2021. With this deep introspection and thirst for more out of life, you may look different to others. Just a reminder, it is not selfish or “abandonment” of others when we are healing ourself. There are ways to put your passions first and still be present in your life and current relationships. Balance looks different for everyone. The most important part is that one aspect of your life doesn’t receive more attention than the others. The key is flow. How will you find your flow in the New Year? With Jupiter and Saturn in Aquarius, this is your time to break away from what everyone else is doing. Going along with what society is doing or telling you to do won’t cut it this year. You’ll find that you much rather hang upside down, you’ll like the view from there much more.

Taurus (Aquamarine, 444, 666, 888)

Isn’t it ironic that Taurus rules the throat and you have the ‘Authentic Voice’ as the theme of your 2021? You are reawakening your throat chakras Taurus! This may be huge for many of you. You may have had difficulties in the past or even this year with communicating affectively. It could have seemed that often your words were not taken into consideration because others couldn’t make sense of them. There is no blame to either party. Language is tough. If we aren’t speaking authentically it makes it harder for others to truly understand our needs. 2021 is bringing in more clarity to your thoughts. This will be the year to see things as they really are for everyone but specifically for you to speak on it as well. Every voice and story is different which is the concept of authenticity. You are good enough exactly as you are beautiful Taurus and it’s time to stand in that energy. All that you admire in others, it is time to admire within yourself. “There is no choir if there is only one sound, one voice.” You will be receiving recognition next year. It could be as specific as getting that voice over role you took a leap of faith on or speaking up more in your personal life in general. Those around you will be recognizing the reemergence of your powerful and authentic voice. There will also be others who flock to what you have to say and have never even met you. Many of you may want to share life experiences and knowledge through podcasts or something like Clubhouse that focuses strictly on voice. 2021 will be the gift of unique thoughts and ideas, the proper communication to express these ideas and recognition from a supportive community. When channeling your authentic voice remember that these are the messages that the Divine has sent through you with love.

Gemini

Your spirit is growing young Gemini! Many of you spent 2020 working on your light and soul and that has played a huge part in your spiritual energy leveling up. This is where you create great impact through whatever you expel this energy through. Aside from the things you create, your energy alone will be affecting others in 2021. Some of you may have been keeping your energy to yourself in order to heal and in 2021 you will be stepping more out of Hermit mode. Even though Hermit mode will also be a saving grace as well. In 2021 you will be receiving an increase of downloads from Spirit. A huge lesson/experience that may come up for you is delivering a softer message to others. As a Gemini Sun myself, I have pure intentions to always hold truth at the highest standard but that has sometimes hurt others in the process. In 2021, as you are growing in your power, Spirit is helping with the intensity of your light. You will be helping others who are still energetically sensitive to authentic power and authority. That doesn’t mean to hold back your light or hinder your own growth, it just means if they didn’t ask you for that word of advice, don’t tell it. Those who are seeking a deeper truth will seek you out first! Happy expanding!

Cancer

This is a really interesting reading Cancerians. In 2021 you are being asked to make a sacrifice in order to gain a greater fulfillment. I see that in 2020 we did all we could to still feel good in such a crazy year. That required that we find a lot of balance between our wants and needs. You may have experienced a burst of creativity recently or have been wanting to hone a skill that has been lying dormant. Although it feels like you can absorb as much information about this passion as possible you are being asked to pause in the New Year. Many people may see the Hanged Man in the tarot deck as stuck but this is where he gains a whole new perspective. If we ran head first with every single thing we were passionate about in that moment without even asking “what do I want?” we could end up on a very different path than we are meant to be on. If you find yourself constantly trying in 2021, it may be best if you surrender your wants to the Universe and embrace new solutions to your needs. Even though this may be a very uncomfortable state you find yourself in you must constantly remind yourself that Spirit will never offer you less than what is a part of your true destiny. You are safe!

Leo

In 2021 I see that you will be reaching a crossroad in your life. You are being granted the opportunity to leave the past in the past and embark on the rest of your journey. The significance of this crossroad is it’s acting as a checkpoint within your journey to ensure that you are no longer carrying that extra baggage with you. This is not a transition that you need to fear. We tend to carry things with us so long that we are convinced it truly belongs to us but that is rarely the case. The familiarities of life have become boundaries. This may have really worked for you this year as many have used this time for healing. While familiarity can be beneficial it doesn’t create security. In 2021 this may be a huge and constant lesson for your understanding. Even though things may change drastically (like moving in a completely different direction) you must realize that your true security comes from the Universe and it sees your pure intentions. Many of you may know what decision it is that you are being asked to make and it scares you. It is essential that you allow your heart to lead you so that your mind can’t create doubt and keep you stuck. Life is always evolving, there will always be another crossroad to cross. As long as you move with love and integrity there is nothing to fear of the future.

Virgo

In 2021 you are getting a full view of your emotional self. This may be something you have rejected strongly in the past in order to put more focus into your financial self. This aversion to our soul mirror has been out of fear of what we may find. No one really wants to look within and find out they are somewhat of a hoarder or place value over personality. This year we are focusing less on what we have and more on who we are and the aspects of ourselves that we are constantly juggling. This year you are being asked to bear witness to what you feel. You will constantly find a safe space in solitude with Spirit in order to face yourself fully. When you allow a new depth of truth into your life, foundations may feel challenged and insecurities around a lack mindset might be exposed. How do you welcome vulnerability in your life? When someone is vulnerable it is not a weakness. We are not taught to meet every situation we encounter with love but it is never too late to learn. Situations in the past (or as recent as this year) have closed us off to love. That is a natural reaction to pain but we aren’t meant to live our entire lives in lovelessness. This is your year of healing the heart. Healing isn’t linear and everyday won’t feel the same, but, when you find yourself believing in and accepting your blessings that is how you know that your heart is opening up to everything the Universe has to offer.

Libra

This year a lot of us may have taken an “L” on something we really wanted to do or accomplish. It may have been something that you needed extra time or resources for in order to succeed. For some, this situation may not have been what you really wanted and this “no” was a blessing in disguise. Take what resonates. Either way, there is a need for forgiveness if you felt “you could’ve done more”. In 2021 you are experiencing the perfection of you. Connecting your soul to the source of Divinity will bring in a swelling of positive emotions. Your love for Source will heal your love for self. This will be a year of new friendships and connections. New emotional beginnings in general. I am seeing that this year you may have also ran into conflict with others while you were pursuing your ambitions. You may have had difficulties balancing relationships and your thirst for creative endeavors. Your energy is recalibrating with the air of a New Year and new opportunities on the horizon. Others will be drawn to the rebirth of your energy in 2021. Your shift in perspective and emotional investment into all that you are passionate about will inspire others to lead the same life. Remembering that you are made of the same energy that created the heavens and the Earth will entrain the perfection of you in your heart.

Scorpio

In the beginning of 2020 you may have been hesitant and had little faith as to how everything you wanted would come about. You may have had scattered ideas, fragments of a full picture but as the year progressed, you gained more clarity. You witnessed the world opening up to you even as the 3D was shutting down due to quarantine. You are ending this year with an “anything can happen” mindset leaning towards positivity and the notion that you can handle that “anything”. You have actually been excited/eager to see what happens next. Because you have been learning more about yourself emotionally you are entering 2021 with a clear mindset as to who you are and what you bring to the table. You will be making decisions based off of your intuition alone, that’s how in tune you are with yourself. When most will say “there is no logic in intuition” you will simply laugh. Your intuition is leading you straight towards this 9 of pentacles energy. Milestones will be surpassed. Personal achievement will bring you great satisfaction and deepen your trust in Spirit and self. 2020 has taught you that listening to your individuality is hard but prosperous. Continue focusing on your personal values and what you believe is true and nothing can sway you from your blessings. You are a unique individual and it’s time to embrace all that that encompasses; power + authority.

Sagittarius

There is a great cleansing coming to you this New Year. In 2020 you put all of your energy towards the nurturing of yourself which in turn helped nurture those around you. You are ending this year feeling more emotionally complete because of this. You may be ending a cycle of putting other people’s nurturing over your own. This may have been a huge lesson for you. So much so that you actually felt a physical shift. This deep healing has been internally focused and will need to continue this way. As 2020 has taught us, nothing is set in stone, not even healing. In 2021 you will need to continue to observe what is causing disharmony in your life. It could be a situation that seems impossible to get out of. But let’s just say the beginning of 2021 will not look like the end of it. Like the aftermath of a storm , there will be many things that will be cleared away in your life. The people that don’t fit, the mindsets that hold you back or an unfulfilling job, nothing is off limits to Spirit. There will be a shift in your perspective where you won’t view it as a loss but a gain of space and energy for more aligned moments in your life. This is Spirit’s gift to you, literally a brand new beginning where we can put ourselves first. You have all Major Arcana which signifies life long changes and a deep acceptance of self.

Capricorn (222, 888)

This year you chose love over everything else. What truly spoke to you, you embraced, and all that you outgrew is being left in 2020. It took strength to continuously choose an emotion that is foreign to most. You dedicated yourself to this rebirth and are emerging as someone who appears to be different but you are just claiming your true self. This New Year you will be stepping onto the entrepreneurial path if you haven’t already. I’m seeing something physical like a pottery business or a mechanic shop. Either way this will be something you are passionate about. If you find that some people want to take advantage of your beautiful spirit don’t worry. There won’t be a need for any action. Heal from it and allow the Universe to handle them. 2021 is your time to retreat inwardly and explore the depths of your own subconscious. Whatever situation emerges, carrying love in your heart will help you prevail. This, unfortunately, does not make you immune to pain, but, it does help you conquer your doubt. Doubt of what you truly deserve, doubt of your capabilities and talent. This will be a great year to learn and understand where those doubts and fears stem from because you are more than capable Capricorns!

Aquarius

While 2020 was a difficult year for everyone emotionally, you my beautiful Aquarius, thrived creatively and soared to new heights. One of your greatest accomplishments this year could have been your patience towards your creative endeavors. And more patience even to yourself when creating. While others around you had difficulty accepting themselves you embraced this passionately. You’ve spent this year planting your seeds of love, knowledge and prosperity and this New Year you will have a bounty to show for taking such tender care. My question to you is do you believe it? That the Universe leaves no stone unturned when it comes to our blessings. And when I say blessings, our dreams, desires and everything we envision but can’t grasp just yet. You are stepping into 2021 healing and shedding all of your lack mindset around finances. This healing is going to prepare you for the abundance of 2021. I am also seeing that all of the signs and “coincidences” you’ve been seeing is Spirit confirming what you already know. It is safe to trust, keep releasing doubt. For some of you I am seeing a love interest entering your life this year. It could be quickly or sudden. They could be very creative, intelligent when it comes to social issues and equality. They are kind.

Pisces

This year you focused on harmony and balance in your life. When things felt unknown and unfamiliar you chose to allow your intuition to guide you. This balance and trusting of yourself and Spirit brought you abundance and stability. There was something that you may have been guided to that was like a well spring that you struck just right. This may have already appeared or is coming to you soon. You are stepping into 2021 with mental clarity and authority over your own thoughts. You will, or have already, find a unique balance of analytical thinking vs passionate creativity. Assuming authority over your fears and doubts will energetically charge you and encourage you to create more freedom in life. Not held back by self-made limitations or what others think. I am seeing that there could be a moment where you lose yourself in another in a relationship (platonic or romantic). This is me addressing it so that you can be aware but there is nothing to fear. Sometimes a relationship may ask so much of us up until the point we stop it and stand up for ourselves. This may not be present in your life currently, but if ever, don’t forget who you are and what you deserve. Keep striving for what is meant for you and makes you happy. This is your destiny!

If you enjoyed this reading please like/reblog! As this is a general reading, tipping isn’t required but always appreciated. 💖

https://cash.app/$aftonelizabethh

#positive message #oracle cards #free readings #tarot services #divination #tarot #tarotcommunity #tarot reading #sun moon rising #aries #cancerian #taurus #gemini #leo #virgo #libra #scorpio #sagittarius #capricorn #aquarius #pisces #2021 #2021 predictions #zodiac predictions #full moon in cancer #montystarotchild

[mrarchewannabe]

First Contact and it's Complications: Part 2         Biology Lesson 

This is head researcher Bea'zikal following up from my previous reports as I stated before, I do apologize for the lack explanation and detail in those entries and I will now give you the full documentation of what I have observed with my time spent with Humanity and more specifically Human Head researcher who is referred to as Jamal Alteriq, a very fine scientific mind and excellent guide as he was the one to be our ambassador through Human space and of course to keep eyes on us. We saw many incredible things on our journey and I will explain in due time, but I thought it wise to give a basic run down on human biology to better help visualize the scenes I will explain in later logs. (Note: I advise you to open the attached encrypted files for observation while reading)

Humans are lightly Haired mammals that evolved on a rich but highly diverse Planet that was covered in approximately 71% water with humans living on the 29% of Land, resources were plentiful but competition was fierce as many species competed for control of those same resources, the resources in question being food and 'fresh' water which is a specific term as humans cannot drink water that is above or below a certain Ph. Level or a has a heavy imbalance of minerals;They also cannot drink any water that is contaminated with parasites, or Planetary elements such as dirt. This of course isn't to say humans have entirely weak stomachs as they are capable of consuming certain acids such as Malic and Citric Acid which is used in food flavoring, and of which would result in violent death should either substance be consumed by a Zeatikian, in addition to consumption of such compounds they can digest Certain forms of Alcohol and many forms of Capsaicin which many of course know isn't poisonous but considered non-edible to all Zeatikians and instead sees a use as a defense weapon. Moving on from the topic of consumable and non-consumable liquids brings us to eating habits; Humans specified as Omnivore 'Persistence' Predators, and can consume a wide variety of Meat and Plants, which a balance of both is needed to maintain peak physical form and a healthy digestive and immune system. From what Human Head Researcher Jamal Alteriq has told me ancient human hunting wasn't chasing down prey at high speeds but rather simply outlasting it in a slower walk chase(Note: Humans have a extreme amount of stamina and can walk for hours at a time as they evolved to efficiently maintain a pace of speed) and when the prey was tired and unable to continue on humans would slay the creature and bring it back to be cooked then consumed. (Note: Cooking is one of the few things that are shared in Both Zeatikians and Human evolution) Head Researcher Jamal Alteriq also informed me that eventually ancient Humanity began Agriculture and that is what primarily began to start up human culture and civilization.(Note: again one of the few things that are shared amongst our history)

Head Researcher Jamal Alteriq told me of the Human Life stages which are of a very different cycle of our own from our People the Zeatikians, conception of offspring is relatively the same between our two species, but with various degrees of success in humans as their method of reproduction is relatively different between Human to Human. Head Researcher Jamal Alteriq Suggested that's all we do to speak on the matter and I obliged his request how ever odd I thought it was.(Note: After doing research on this topic myself I also now recommend that all Zeatikian researchers stay away from this topic as well as it's very traumatizing to look at) Humans generally can only have one child every half a cycle but it can be more numerous if chance allows it, and human offspring is extremely vulnerable and must be cared for by it's parents constantly otherwise it will most likely guaranteed to perish; of course in this time human 'infants' (Note: Infants are the name for children that under a cycle and half old) are cared for by not only the parents but also other humans hired to be care takers as well that can give the infants whatever they need at anytime while the parents set off to complete tasks. 

Humans possess what is called an Endoskeleton(Note: Observe attached files) which gives their bodies structure and allows an anchor for their extremely complex muscular system as well as keep internal organs safe and secure. This Endoskeleton is made up of bones of very high calcium content and is extremely durable and strong, shown being able to with stand many hits that could cripple, paralyze or downright kill a healthy Zeatikian. Infant humans start out with more numerous but weaker bones and cartilage numbering around 300 individual structures but eventually after many cycles they all fuse into their respective positions and become stronger and thicker; this is most prominent around what they call their 'Skull' which is a bone structure that contains their brain and connects to the spinal column (Note: Observe Highlighted Area) and starts out segmented and eventually becomes fully fused and one solid structure in about 22 cycles. Part of the function of the skull is a basic one hinged jaw that contains anywhere from 32 to 36 bone structures they call teeth which allows them to tear through tougher foods and aids in digestion, the human jaw is relatively weak surprisingly only able to produce 300UPSQ which would absolutely be enough to hurt a Zeatikian so I would advise you be careful.

Adolescent Human offspring undergoes a change around 9 Cycles in males and 7.5 in females, as they approach sexual maturity they begin to swell on muscle mass and increase in growth exponentially over a time period of 4 cycles, during this time hormones are pumped through and over about 1.5 to 2 cycles the voice deepens and body hair is increased, this incredible change is known to cause certain behavior changes as well as changes in diet and appetite. Many human females have certain large orifices located on their chests that are used primarily to feed their young, which should have been obvious seeing how I have already stated they are indeed mammals,(Note: I have been told to report on this much only as logging anymore would make many among the human population uncomfortable, I do not know why but I shall oblige) and as mammals they are indeed warm blooded, which means they do not take too well to fluctuating temperatures as Being in below freezing temperatures for too long can lead to a humans death in about 20 minutes should they be naked in said weather; and so if in the future you have humans boarding your vessel be sure to keep it atleast a median temperature of 400TM and provide them with necessary heating elements if they do not have any.

Humans possess a 'Circulatory system' much like our own that pumps blood all across it's body at a very steady rate of 60 to 100 beats per tick, which is quite slow compared to our 120 to 150 beats per tick. Humans also possess a blood color that shines a bright red compared to that of a Zeatikian that has a bright purple hue, both of our species have iron in our respective Hemoglobins but our kind carries what they call 'Hemerythrin' while they carry whats called 'Heme' and thus that's what gives the difference in blood pigmentation. They also possess various different organs that process everything from sugars and proteins to alcohol and carbs, the 'Liver' which is described as a 'Blood Filter' cleanses the blood as it passes through it, while organs like the 'Kidneys' process liquid waste, sugars, salts, and all minerals to help keep it stable within the body.

The Human 'Immune system' is a very strong and very important system in the human body as humans do not have segmented Carapaces like all Zeatikian's have, rather they possess a skin of 7 layers and this layered skin protects the body from the outside world, when penetrated or slashed open blood will began to flow out much like a broken carapace or cut joint segment would, the cells in the human would try to seal the cut with platelets which will form a scab, which is a temporary seal while the skin is being repaired anew; as this process does share similarities with the way our Carapace heals itself our process is much slower while the humans can heal their skin in a matter of a few rotations depending on the severity of the injury. Of course during the cut possible bacteria and other such microorganisms could have infiltrated the bloodstream and usually once successful they become targeted by the protector cells or as humans call them 'white blood cells' for destruction.

The 'Digestive track' is relatively self-explanatory so I will be brief on the subject, when food is consumed it is first chewed and made wet by the 'Saliva' a human produces in their mouth which helps break it down further and eases the transfer of food from the mouth down the 'Trachea' as they call it and into the 'Stomach' which becomes broken down by 'Stomach' acid,various compounds,and gut bacteria that absorb the nutrients and forward the waste through what humans call the 'Large Intestine' which then transfers through the 'Small intestine' which is the excreted by the Human, relatively the same processes any Zeatikian goes through.

Humans of this modern era however are nearly perfect as about 1000 cycles ago an event on their home world that was put into motion made humans as nearly perfect as they could be biologically, but this change however was not a instant process as the changes would only take place slowly after every generation, each one living longer then the last, getting sick less, and less in the population being born with genetic conditions that had debilitated humanity for eons. Nowadays it is rarer for humans to catch a sickness, but impossible for any human being to be born with a genetic condition aside from the few they found desirable. Many live long fulfilling lives from what I'm told by Head Researcher Jamal Alteriq, some living their full total lifespans of 200 cycles which I can only dream of living a mere 40 cycles let alone a long 200 cycles. 

This concludes my report on the basic biology of humanity I hope you found it informative and helpful, I shall work on my next log about human economic and social status, which Human Head Researcher Jamal Alteriq Helped immensely on. 

Head Researcher Bea'zikal Signing off

(I hope you enjoy the sequel to what I wrote first I'm really proud of this one but please tell me if there is anything I could do to better my writing? Constructive criticism is appreciated, more parts on the way)

#science fiction #humans are space orcs #sci fi/fantasy #sci fi #writing #aliens #scifiandfantasy

[buckyownsmylife]

v e l o c i t y - chapter viii

The one where John’s your true mate, but he doesn’t want you to be his.

In a universe where fate grants you a new mate whenever you lose yours, John has lived quite comfortably for many years with the knowledge that he was alone after Mary. That all comes crumbling down the second that he meets you. How could the universe choose someone so young to be his omega?

for general warnings and author’s notes, please go to the fic’s masterlist.

A/N: I think there’ll be just one more chapter to this story, but I don’t know if it’s coming next week!

John’s P.O.V.

“Omega.” The sound of her title made her stop in her tracks, but she still didn’t turn around to face me. It’d been like this for the last month or so. A game of hide and seek I had never agreed to play.

Although I was pretty sure if I asked her about it, she’d say I was the one who made up the rules in the first place.

“What do you want, John?” Hearing her address me directly after so many days of tense silence was inebriating, but her tone wasn’t what I wanted. I knew I deserved it though, and that is why I was subjecting myself to this.

“I want to talk.”

“That’s precious coming from you. Take such pride in being the silent, angry type. Or should I say the asshole type?” I scoffed, even though I deserved that. I deserved it all, I knew it. 

But what I’d come to realize in these last few weeks that I had to endure practically without her was that I was nothing but a selfish bastard when it came to the woman before me.

“Would you just hear me out?” I asked, pulling the basket of dirty laundry she was holding and letting it fall on the floor before forcing her to turn around and look me in the eyes. She immediately crossed her arms in front of her, showing in every way she could that she was not in the mood to have any sort of conversation with me.

“Why should I? We’re not friends, you’re not my mate, as you’ve made abundantly clear by the way you’ve been treating me ever since we met. I don’t owe you anything, John Winchester. Much less time or even more of my energy.” Her words were like a slap to my face, and in my surprise, I let her pick up the basket and continue her walk towards the laundry room once more.

But not before I heard her last words. “Believe me, if I had anywhere else to go, I would have left a long time ago,” she mumbled almost to herself. “You must think I have no self-esteem whatsoever.”

That one hurt. It hurt because it was clear by the pain in her own voice that it was the truth. She would have left the bunker, she would have left this life behind without ever looking back because of the way I’d been treating her.

I couldn’t deal with that. So instead of accepting that reality, irritation coursed through my veins at the thought of her ever leaving.

“What about James?” I inquired, following her down the hall and finding her loading her clothes in the machine. She only turned around to face me after she was done with the task, crossing her arms once more as she leaned against the metal.

“What about James?” Y/N questioned, raising an eyebrow at me. “You’re not seriously suggesting you’d like me to join a gang, are you?” I didn’t have anything to say. I didn’t. I didn’t want her going anywhere, much less with him.

Suddenly, I was all too tired. I think it was visible because I deflated. My shoulders slumped, I looked down at my own feet as I rested my hands on my hips. “No, I’m not.” A short silence followed, and when I looked up at her again, it was to find her mouth-slacked, staring back at me.

“What?” At my question, she immediately shut her mouth before reopening again and then frowning. It was like she couldn’t decide if she wanted to say something or not. Finally - unfortunately - the latter option seemed to be the one she chose.

“Nevermind.” She turned around to fiddle with the buttons of the machine, like it wasn’t already on, and I knew what this was. This was a way out, an invitation for me to leave and let this conversation die like it had never even existed in the first place.

But I was tired.

“It’s hard to relax around you.” That was how my admission started, and even though it wasn’t planned, I didn’t hate it. I didn’t immediately feel like retreating, retracing all of my steps until suddenly I was out of the room and away from my own feelings.

No, I couldn’t run from them anymore. Not if I had any chance of making her want to stay.

“Why?” The question wasn’t unexpected, but it still made me sigh. I really hated making myself vulnerable, and any instance of sharing my thoughts and feelings felt like it for me.

“Well, first because every single part of my being is asking me to bend you over whatever’s nearest and just take you.” Our eyes met for the first time since I started really talking, and the meeting of our gazes was heavy, but not unwelcome. I’d take any sort of connection with her, any show of her willingness to forgive me. “Shit, you just have no idea how attractive you are.”

The corner of her lips turned up at my words, betraying just how much she liked to know about her effect on me,  and I couldn’t help but mirror it as I kept going.

“And it’s not just because you’re my mate either,” I confessed, watching the surprise shine through her features. “It really is… you. And it’s so hard to control my reactions to you. I always get carried away, because I crave… I crave to be with you on a cellular level.”

I took a deep breath before finishing what I needed to say, the hardest of my admissions. “You’re the only one I want now, I know that. But I can’t accept that yet.” 

“Why?” So maybe I was wrong. This was the hardest thing to confess, the hardest truth I’d have to face. This is what I’d been trying to run from, ever since that morning when she told me off. 

Because I couldn’t forgive myself for it. And I feared the moment that she knew, she’d hate me forever. But it was time to say it.

“Because I know you, Y/N. I met you when you were still a kid, I played with you, I put you on my lap and made you giggle. You used to play with my beard and tell me I looked like a werewolf. I can’t just let that go.”

I braced myself for her reaction, anticipating the very worst. But she only looked at me with an amused smile, her arms crossed in front of her and her head tilted. “You feel bad about wanting me because you knew me as a kid.” Well.. yes. Was she really expecting a confirmation?

The chuckle she let out from under her breath warned me that she didn’t. Still, I couldn’t help but tightly hold onto my fears as I watched her slowly approach me, arms falling to the sides until she was within reach of mine.

“I think it’s clear I’m not a little girl anymore, John.” Well, she wasn’t wrong, and the effect she elicited on me just by holding our hands together showed just as much. “And the man I met, the man that held me on his lap when I was a kid, is not the same that’s staring at me right now. You are my mate. The same can’t be said for the man from back then.”

My entire body buzzed with electricity from the connection of our hands, and the realization that she didn’t hate me. Through her eyes, I could see there was a way for us to get through this, a way for me to somehow move past my own past.

I noticed the familiar twinkle of mischief in her eyes before she even opened her mouth to break the moment. “I think you should just admit that you want to kiss me.”

Chuckling, my hands instinctively let go of hers to find a hold on her waist, pulling her closer to me. “What good will that bring me?” But the little rascal just shrugged.

“I dunno. I might do it.” No other words were necessary. My body acted of its own accord, and I cradled her face with my palms before bending down to meet her lips, chuckling to myself once we parted and I realized she had to stand on her tip-toes to reach me.

“Well, that was a sweet first kiss,” I commented, rubbing my nose on hers and appreciating her little giggle. “The kind of sweet I’d hoped the first time I got to touch you would be. But you just wouldn’t let me have that, now would you?”

Silence took over my teasing, and I watched as she took a deep breath before saying what was on her mind. “You know… I wouldn’t mind being your secret if that’s the only way I could have you.”

I knew it wasn’t her intention, but it felt like a punch to my stomach. Had I really been this mean? That she’d think my worst problem with our situation was that I didn’t want to be associated with her?

“I don’t want to keep you a secret,” I made sure she knew. “I don’t want to hurt you anymore.” Our lives were entwined now, I knew that. I needed her here. And I’d do whatever I needed to make her stay.

“Guess I’ll just have to keep teasing you until you break, huh?” I chuckled, squeezing her hips a bit before finally letting her go. It was relieving to see that she understood I needed time.

My chest filled with hope as I watched her leave the room, but not before throwing me a wink over her shoulder. God, she was making me soft. It wouldn’t take much for her to get me to break.

#my series #john winchester reader #john winchester x reader #john winchester reader insert #john winchester reader inserts #john winchester fanfiction #john winchester fanfic #john winchester fan fic #john winchester imagine

[gunterfan1992]

Interview with Half Shy (the songwriter of “Monster”)

For the last few months, I’ve been collecting information for a second edition of Exploring the Land of Ooo that will also cover the production of Distant Lands. This means that I’ve started to look into the new songs that we have been graced with this year, and this of course includes “Monster,” the beautiful track from the masterpiece that is “Obsidian”. And so I reached out to the song’s writer, Half Shy, who was kind enough to chat with me via email about the songwriting process!

(Photo courtesy of Half Shy)

In many ways, Half Shy is living the creative Adventure Time fan’s dream: She got asked by Adam Muto himself to write a song for “Obsidian” after he heard her music through Bandcamp! (I’ve dabbled in fan music before, and the fact that someone from the show might listen to it just blows my mind.) What an opportunity; I am so excited for her!

Since a second edition of my book won’t be coming out until after all the Distant Lands episodes air, I thought it would be best to share my Half Shy interview now. Read on for the fascinating behind the scenes story of how Half Shy and “Monster” came to be..

GunterFan: What is your origin story? How did you get involved in music, and how did the Half Shy project come to be?

Half Shy: I’ve been making music pretty quietly since I was in high school with a keyboard and guitar. I played one or two shows a year after college when I could find a friend or my brother to get up on stage with me, but I don’t really have that performer gene in me naturally. I get too much in my head and forget what the lyrics are to the song I wrote, or what the next chord is. Total brain freeze. So that whole experience is a bit of a mental drain. It’s something I think I’d like to dig into and figure out, but right now I’m really enjoying the time writing.

Even playing a song for my friends I still get pretty nervous. That’s where the name Half Shy comes from. I’ve always been interested in making things that by their nature draw a bit of a spotlight, but at the same time, I am just really quite nervous about the attention.

I recorded my first songs under my old name Hey V Kay in my bedroom and started putting them up online one at a time. When I got enough I thought about packaging it up into an album, but then got really distracted by learning how to fix up motorcycles and going to automotive tech school. When I eventually got back around to it I named the album Gut Wrenching.

After a few years I realized that I didn’t want the day-in-day-out life of a mechanic, I just wanted to know how to fix cars for myself and to have that knowledge in my back pocket. I got back into making music but grew frustrated at the process of writing and recording songs. I felt like I wasn’t able to capture the ideas I had in my head. Like trying to draw on your computer with a mouse. Doable, but it’s not going to come out like you’d hoped.

So these last couple of years I’ve focused more on learning the technical aspect of it, from the initial ideas and lyrics, to the recording and mixing. During that process I put out Bedroom Visionaries, and while writing I happened upon the name Half Shy in an old Thesaurus which felt instantly right. Learning all of that has been fun, I even went as far as to create my own book to solidify a daily writing routine (lyricworkbook.com). All that has been a bit of a tangent from actually making much music though. I should be getting my books in December from the press so I’m really looking forward to getting back into making more music instead of dealing with printing presses, setting up websites, and sourcing ribbon suppliers.

GF: What is the story behind "Monster"? How did the show get in contact with you?

HS: I keep a log of “Song Starters” with neat things I’ve heard in the world, and I would look through it every now and then and notice just how many came from Adventure Time. Eventually I thought well, I have to make a song about this show that just keeps breaking my heart. It was around the time I was nearly done with the first [Adventure Time-inspired] song “In My Element” that I got an email from Bandcamp saying “someone bought your album (Bedroom Visionaries).”

I get maybe one or two of these a month at most so I love to go in and say hi to the person and say thanks, be curious about who they are, [and] what they’re all about. Turns out it was Adam Muto, the executive producer of the show. (I asked and he has no idea how he happened upon my stuff. He guessed that I must have tagged something #adventuretime and he just happened to see it.) So I sent him an email saying, “Hey wow thanks for checking out my tunes. Also... holy crap you’ve made the best show I have ever seen in my life.” [I] played it real cool like. After finishing up writing my second [Adventure Time-inspired] song “Betty” I couldn’t help but fangirl real hard [and I sent him another message saying], “I’m sorry this is probably awkward, but I really love your show and I wrote these songs about it.” He was incredibly kind and shared them with his Twitter Universe, and a while after that I got a random email from him saying basically, “Hey, I’m working on this thing I can’t talk about, would you be interested?” I was like… well you know I’m pretty busy working at a sign shop so I’m gonna have to pass on this once in a lifetime opportunity (J/K. Obviously I fan-girl squealed and said yes immediately).

We chatted a bit about what the project was going to be and the direction. He mentioned there [would be] two Marceline songs in the special, [and he asked if I] would I be interested in giving the love song a try? Trying real hard to suppress my instant imposter syndrome I was like, “Yea, totally I’d be into giving that a shot!” So I read through the story and loved the idea of the dragon mirrored in Marceline, thinking through how they’ve both built up a protective shell, how she grew tough for a reason, but now she can open up and be vulnerable with PB.

From there I wrote the initial demo with the first two verses mostly intact and we went back and forth a few times editing it down into the final version. I recorded the final parts for the show in my little home studio in Seattle.

GS: When you were writing the song, what emotions, thoughts, or ideas were you channeling? Was there any sort of memory of event that you were trying to artistically "catch" or "recreate" with the lyrics or music?

HS: As far as channeling an emotion, generally I’d say just the experience of existing as a human. It can be so hard to open up and be vulnerable. I can remember that feeling even as a young kid—getting really excited about something and having someone completely trash it or look at you like, “Why are you so interested in that? It’s dumb.” [It causes us to grow] a little more weary to share ourselves because we know that hurt and embarrassment. The pain of being misunderstood is something I think a lot of us can relate to. Then having to decide whether to keep sharing those vulnerable parts of yourself or think, “They’re just not going to get it, I’m going to get hurt, so why bother?” and then stop putting yourself out there. You lose a lot with that thick armor though. You might feel protected, but you’re not feeling a whole lot of anything else other than the weight and chafing of it (I had a whole lot of armor-related metaphors that I didn't end up using.).

I struggle with this in songwriting too. I’m not the bolt-of-lightning type. There are pages and pages of cliches, total garbage, bad jokes, and cheesy lines that I have to get through in order to get to something that I am excited to put out there into the world: “Here I did this thing, I know it’s a little (this or that), but I made it... What do you think?” It’s hard to open yourself up to hearing the other end of that question.

I filled about 5 little pocket notebooks just thinking through the story, ideas, and trying to get this song right. I wanted it to feel familiar and honor the past songs of the show ([e.g.,] using the ukulele and referencing a few of the familiar chords from “I’m Just Your Problem”) but also be pretty open and vulnerable and different for [Marceline]. [I wanted to] show that she’s going through some tough emotions but also figuring herself out and growing.

GF: I feel like “Monster” is, at its core, an ode to the “Bubbline” ship. How do you feel about your song being intimately connected to one of the most famous LGBTQ+ relationships in animation? Do you have any general thoughts on Marcy and PB, Bubbline, etc.?

HS: Oh, I’m a total fan girl of Bubbline. The whole story of how Rebecca Sugar and Muto slowly morphed it into this deeper relationship is just great. As a part of the LGBTQ community myself it really means so much to see the representation of characters like yourself portrayed in an intelligent way. Growing up I was too young to fully understand what was going on but I saw Ellen getting cancelled, and [I] heard people around me saying they’d never watch her show again after she came out. That stuff sinks in as a kid and so to have these characters who are not only intelligent, but funny, complex, and unapologetically strong who also happen to be queer is really great. I love that the story here isn’t about their orientation, but that they’re people struggling with how to be open and vulnerable in a relationship.

It feels like something sci-fi and animated shows do so well—to show that ridiculousness of limiting who a person should and shouldn’t love. Marceline is a 1000+ year old half-demon/vampire and PB was born from the Mothergum of an apocalyptic radioactive world, but you’re going to get hung up on them loving each other? It sort of brings it into perspective in a really interesting way.

GF: Do you have any other thoughts about the experience that you'd like to share?

HS: Just how lucky, thankful, and honored I feel to be a part of my favorite show, writing a song for one of my favorite characters. It’s also incredibly cool how the people on the show are so willing to connect and collaborate with their fandom. Everyone [on the production crew] was very open and a real joy to work with.

I’d like to give a huge “Thank you!” to Half Shy for agreeing to participate in this interview; she really was quite amiable! If you’d like to hear more of her music, check out her website and her Bandcamp. You can also follow her on Instragram here and on Twitter here. And of course, here is Half Shy’s awesome video of “Monster”.

#adventure time #atimers #adventure time distant lands #atdl #half shy #monster #bubbline #marceline #marceline the vampire queen #bubblegum #princess bubblegum #pb #adam muto #interview

[stablersolivia]

Elliot/Olivia Rant About Last Night's Crossover (Sort of)

So, much like everyone else.... I have some thoughts on last night's SVU/OC crossover. Mainly... yes, the Elliot/Angela [redacted].

While I do want Elliot and Olivia together (soon), I do get why he [redacted] Angela. She's a manipulator. A lot of fans (including myself) have been suspicious of her from almost the very beginning.

Her son Rafiq's death is her only connection to Elliot on an emotional level since he's grieving his wife's death as well. So, with that being said, there's a deeper connection between it all IF she ends up being guilty as accused. We see her in jail in the next episode promo, so that leads us to believe she's been arrested. There's more to it, I'm sure.

But, to continue, I get it. I get why Elliot connected with her. He's grieving not only the loss of his wife, he's also grieving the loss of what he once had with his family (notably his Son Eli moved out so now he's alone) and the loss of his connection and partnership with Olivia. She is so close yet so far away and not only is it grief and mourning but also, guilt for leaving. (I just wish they would explain more of why he left and didn't show up during her darkest hours).

Then this woman comes up, Angela, with all these relatable feelings he's having. Obviously, before Isaac Bekher tells him it was her, Elliot doesn't suspect her of anything. He thinks she's the only one he can relate to in that moment. He thinks she's a victim in all this too due to what happened to her son because of what seems like his connection to her ex-husband's (Richard Wheatley) "business."

I genuinely feel that Elliot [redacted] Angela is what he 'thinks' is a connection that, in a way, will protect HIMSELF from doing something with Olivia that he'll regret because he's not in his sound mind.

Remember, toward the beginning of the SVU ep, Olivia tells him people (she doesn't name) are telling her to stay away from him? He looked hurt that she'd tell him that, and or that someone is telling her to stay away from him. She's all he has in reality and maybe he does recognize that eventually. It already seems he feels she doesn't want him in her personal life as of yet (he's yet to meet her son) so he probably feels like he can't talk to her like that quite yet.

He knows he left her, he knows he's hurt her so why go to her in his most vulnerable, insecure, reckless moments and hurt her even more? He may feel like he's connected to Angela through shared trauma but he has nothing to lose with her whereas, he'd lose what he has left in Olivia which is hanging by a thread as is.

While I do believe Elliot and Olivia are slowly rebuilding that trust, having brief moments of honesty, it's nowhere near where they need to be for him to make a move like that with Olivia. It would kill them both if it was the wrong time.

Now my favorite parts of last nights crossover?

First of all, loved the parking garage scene which seems to have replaced the diner scene from what I saw other SVU aficionados state.

I feel the hurt in him when she discloses that there are people warning her about him. But loved the moment he asked if they were ok and she goes, "I hope so." Burned parallel. Gotta love it.

I also loved the way he protected her in the shooting.

On OC, it's like night and day. While they had some tension at the beginning, the whole hallway scene at the OC precinct was so ... Season 12 EO. The way they looked at each other, the way they said Uncle K in sync, the way he pulled the chair out for her, and the way she grabbed his hand and he held on for a split second longer.

I feel like it was a bit of regret on Elliot's part, it was right after - you know. But I feel like he's realizing what he didn't before. He's connected to Olivia more than he'd realized through shared trauma as well. She gets what he is going through and he didn't see that before going to Angela multiple times.

What I didn't like?

Hated the way they had him initially react to Simon's death. "I'm sorry to hear that," is not good enough and I lay that purely on SVU's shoulders because they seem to not want anything to do with Elliot and it shows and it's... quite frankly petty.

He is much more tender and sincere when he and Olivia were talking in the hallway on OC.

I was also a little confused by the Bell comment. She said "Captain Benson means a lot to you, " and in the same scene says to move on. It wasn't clear at first and I feel like... I do now think she meant to move on from Kathy's case, but at first it sounded like she meant that she knows Olivia well enough to know he should move on from her because he'd hurt. Which, you know is probably why he went to Angela again. I don't know, it was confusing. I get it, but it's confusing.

And one last thing I don't like, is that they can't seem to get EO to just have one honest, bare to soul conversation. It's always deflected by the case or Olivia asking about any developments on Kathy's case which she also tells him to step back from so he can help himself heal.

Overall

I do genuinely feel like they're setting up EO, which I'm happy about. I just want them on the same page and on solid ground. They're trying to cram everything regarding Elliot's healing into eight episodes, I get that, but I feel like it'll all tie in better when Olivia's POV is more apparent and when they actually talk about the last ten years. I hope when Season 2 is picked up, they delve more into Elliot making up the lost time in the right way with Olivia. Including major explaining and groveling. Also, hope before Season's end, we get some sort of answers to that letter. I still feel like what he said in it, is why Olivia hasn't given up. He's said something we need to hear that she has already thus why she's just... there for him. I also wonder if Angela's seeming involvement in Kathy's death will allow Richard (Dylan Mcdermott) to stay on past season 1. Seems like a big name to only sign on for eight eps.

Guess we'll find out.

I'm just trying to believe Chris and Mariska when they say it'll take time to rebuild their relationship. I just have to believe it'll be something great when they get there.

#svuxoc #svu #organized crime #elliot stabler #olivia benson #bensler #eo #eoisendgame #svuxorganizedcrime #law and order svu #law and order organized crime #elliot x olivia #benson and stabler #my text