#triggered myself and had to cut the post short lol

[cozy-cinnamon-roll]

We Interrupt This Broadcast...

(Another two-part-er! Stay tuned for part 2 very shortly!)

Fandom: Hazbin Hotel

Pairing: Ler!Rosie, Ler!OC, Lee!Alastor (strictly platonic)

Content/Trigger Warnings: tickling, very brief blood mention, medical themes (non-graphic & painless). One comically graphic description of cannibalism (first paragraph). Also, this is set right after Alastor gets his ass handed to him by Adam, so you can expect a lil angst sprinkled in there (don't worry, he gets better).

If there are any trigger warnings you'd like me to add in the future (and/or to this fic), PLEASE let me know! I am always happy to oblige. 💕

This is a ticklefic! If that's not your cup of tea, kindly move along.

Ok... I'm gonna be honest folks, I have no idea if this fic is even coherent. This ain't my Best Work™ - this is literally the coping mechanism I've been relying on to put myself to sleep every night this week because HOLY SHIT my life is stressful at the moment. 😅

But anyway, I've decided I'm just gonna go ahead and post it, because 1) the world needs more lee!alastor, and 2) I'm not here to do my Best Work™, I'm here to write cute self-indulgent little stories about Alastor getting tickled to bits by his platonic wife. I'm here to decompress my hypervigilant ass at the end of long days by imagining my favorite endearingly creepy characters get wrecked by my other favorite endearingly creepy characters.

In summary, I'm here to have a good time, and I certainly did with this fic. So I hope you do too!

Featuring my new oc! (Rosie and Al still take center stage though, don't worry lol)

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It's a little-known fact that cannibals make terrific doctors. When you spend every meal tearing the human body apart with your face, you end up with a pretty comprehensive intuition for demonic anatomy.

So Alastor supposed he should consider himself lucky to have Rosie and her loyal posse so close at hand after his battle with Adam.

He was certainly relieved when Rosie had stumbled upon him, barely conscious from blood loss on the floor of his wrecked radio tower - and especially a few hours later when, having been rushed back to Cannibal Town, he was whisked into a warm, familiar parlor and deposited on a comfy couch.

Within minutes Rosie had summoned a woman in a white coat who swooped in, produced a bottle of a strange, foul-smelling gel from her medicine bag, soaked a rag with it, and pressed it firmly against Alastor's wound. The searing pain evaporated almost on contact.

"What is that?" Alastor breathes, visibly relaxing against the arm of the couch he's propped against.

"Anesthetic." She begins preparing a needle and thread.

"Didn't know such a thing existed down here."

"Of course! We're demons, not barbarians," Rosie scoffs, watching from the sidelines.

Cannibals, as a rule, rarely last long enough to need a doctor, but Rosie is no ordinary cannibal. And Dr. Trudy Sawblade - a young surgical resident in life, and Rosie's personal physician in death - is the best of the best. While she hadn't quite completed her medical training before her untimely death, in Rosie's service she's gained more than enough experience to make up for her education cut short.

"That salve is derived from a distant cousin of the poison dart frog. Evidently most of the frogs are assholes, because hell has an downright enormous population of them." Trudy's voice is measured and matter-of-fact, with a soft lilt that is both soothing and vaguely unsettling. "Haven't been discovered on earth yet. Which is good, because one whiff of this would end a mortal life in a matter of seconds."

"Lucky you, you're already dead," Rosie chimes in cheerfully.

"Lucky me," Alastor murmurs, without conviction.

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Truthfully, with the pain from his chest wound numbed, the weight of his recent defeat presses even more heavily on Alastor's heart. Someone - probably one of the cannibals who helped transport him from the rubble pile to Rosie's parlor - must have grabbed the broken microphone as they carried him out, because the fractured pieces are sitting on the side table at the other end of the couch. Under normal circumstances the awareness that someone had touched his staff without permission would spark a flash of rage from the Radio Demon, but now he can only stare dismally at what remains of his cane - aware that it's no longer capable of accomplishing much anyway.

It takes only a few minutes for Trudy to stitch Alastor back up and wrap his chest in a stretchy gauze. Meanwhile, Rosie quickly mends the worst of the tears in his clothes - if only to avoid having to watch her friend stare down the couch at his broken staff, with an uncharacteristic half-smile that damn near breaks her heart.

"Alright, sir, that should do it for now. It's a nasty gash, for sure, but the salve should keep it from getting infected."

"Thank you, my dear." He gives an appreciative nod to the surgeon, and Rosie too, as his fellow overlord hands him back his clothes.

"Can't have you going around with a big hole in your chest, can we?" Rosie steps back and scrutinizes her own patch job as he slowly dresses himself again. "It ain't perfect... especially for a classy fellow like you. But I'm sorry to report that I saw my tailor at a Sunday brunch just last week. Inconvenient, but I gotta admit, he made a wonderful casserole."

For the briefest of moments, this aside manages to tweak Alastor's smile into something vaguely genuine. "I'm sure he did."

"One more thing, Mr. Alastor, sir," Trudy jumps in as the radio demon pulls on his coat. "So sorry, I almost forgot. The angel also threw you against a wall, correct?"

At the recollection, Alastor's smile stiffens into something more closely resembling a grimace. His antlers rise between his ears. "Does it matter?"

"You may be at risk for internal injuries." If Trudy is at all fazed by inviting the most powerful overlord in hell's annoyance, it doesn't show. "I really ought to check, just to be safe."

Alastor looks away. As loathe as he is to even acknowledge his own fragility, he truly isn't sure of the extent of his own injuries - given that he's not used to receiving them in the first place. And he'd be damned (well, damned twice) if Adam had ruptured something vital, spelling the radio demon's second death a few hours after the fact.

He grits his teeth. "I suppose it wouldn't hurt."

"Lovely. If you could just lie back, sir..." As he obliges, she kneels beside the couch. "I'm just going to feel for any swelling..." Her hands hover over him-

"Er, wait." Alastor abruptly sits up.

"It's alright, I won't touch your wound!" Trudy soothes. "I'll just be feeling down here..." She gestures to his midsection (which elicits a sharp flinch).

"No, I-" He hesitates. "I'm... not sure this is necessary."

"Oh, Alastor, stop worryin'!" Rosie reassures him with a friendly pat on the shoulder. "Trudy is quite picky about her meals. She'd never go for venison."

"That's... not what..."

Alastor pauses, and evidently decides against trying to explain what he meant. He reluctantly lies back against the cushions again.

"I'm going to place my hands under your shirt, sir. If you feel any pain, please alert me."

"Very well."

As Trudy lifts his shirt, he looks like he is going to say something more - but whatever it is dies on his tongue the moment her hands make contact with his stomach. He brings one knee up sharply.

"Tender there, sir?"

"No! No, your hands are cold." His words have gone uncharacteristically stiff.

Trudy methodically probes one side of his belly, then the other (which in turn causes his other knee to pop up). This time when Trudy asks if he's in pain, he merely shakes his head.

The surgeon furrows her brow, concentrating. Human-animal hybrids like Alastor already take a bit of poking around just to get a sense for each unique configuration of organs. It doesn't help that the man is bracing for every touch...

"Are you sure this doesn't hurt, sir?" she murmurs tentatively. "You're very tense."

"Yes." The word comes out like a hiss. She glances at the radio demon's face. He's wearing his typical showman's smile, but his eyes are fixed on the ceiling with a weird, wide, unwavering stare.

Finally the surgeon sits back. "Well, I don't feel anything concerning. But to be honest, sir, I can't feel much of anything." She turns apologetically to her employer. "His stomach is all clenched up..."

But Rosie is simply standing there pressing a huge grin into her glove. She's known Alastor for decades. She can read his expressions like a magazine.

"Alastor, darling," Rosie drawls casually. "Are you ticklish?"

From the radio demon's reaction, you'd think she'd asked if he was an Exorcist. He scrambles to sit up. "No! Why would-"

"You're ticklish. That's..." She catches herself just before the word precious.

"...What?!" There's an edge of defensiveness to his voice that Rosie very rarely hears from him.

"Why are you embarrassed?"

"I'm not emb- That's not- what-" Oh, she's giving him that look. "I'm just- I wasn't-"

As he speaks, Alastor's voice suddenly goes thin. His gaze turns inward. "I'm stuttering. I don't stutter! I've never stuttered!" He clutches his coat closer around himself. "I am the RADIO DEMON, for heaven's sake, I don't sta-AHH! Haha-!"

Evidently a scribble to the ribs is a very effective way to interrupt a panicking demon. Rosie runs her fingers from his hip up his side to his arm and back a couple times for good measure.

The amount of startled laughter she is able to draw from just this surprise touch delights her - the poor man is so ridiculously sensitive that a five-second one-handed tickle leaves him fully breathless.

"Okay! Okay, okahay! Keheh- Rosie!"

"Sorry dear, couldn't resist." She holds her hands up, still beaming like a stadium light. "I'll stop torturing you."

Alastor clears his throat. "You're not torturing me, dearest." He straightens his bowtie, clearly attempting to salvage his dignity. "You know what I always say, laughter is a powerful sign of-"

He cuts off with a sharp inhale and defensive flinch as Rosie perches on the edge of the sofa beside Trudy. She grins.

"You're right. That's certainly your specialty, isn't it?"

Alastor forces a nervous chuckle. "Never fully dressed without a smile, you know."

"Well don't worry, darling. I understand." She pats his knee. "Just because you've got the scariest evil cackle in hell doesn't mean you appreciate having it tickled out of you."

Rosie had expected this assurance to put him at ease, but if anything, he seems more troubled.

"Why would I mind a little, ah..." Tickling. Tick-ling. He can't bring himself to articulate two syllables. Is this all he's left with without his staff? "...Er, a little bit of levity? Can't let things get too serious, can we?" With another quick cough, the radio demon finally manages to get his voice to fall back into his familiar breezy cadence. He turns to Trudy. "Now, are we... quite finished with that examination?"

"Nothing seems amiss, from what I can feel." Trudy takes a step back. "Which is not much, but I think I've already made you uncomfortable enough..."

"Nonsense! I'm perfectly at ease!" He lies back again and smooths his coat. "Please, finish your little checkup. I insist."

Trudy regards him curiously for a moment. "Right." Her hands hover over his belly again. "But if you want me to stop, sir, just say the word-"

"I assure you that w-won't be necessahary..."

Trudy watches him seize up before her fingers even make contact. This time she presses a little deeper into his belly, trying to feel around his defensiveness.

"You are punching holes in my couch," Rosie remarks dryly, watching the poor demon's claws bury themselves in the cushions.

"I kn... ohow, I'm just-" He squeezes his eyes shut as Trudy hits a particularly bad spot. And then another. And another... hell, his torso one big bad spot.

"What do you think, Trudy?"

The young doctor just shakes her head.

"Alastor. Darling. You have GOT to relax."

"I am!" Alastor's composure is dangling by the thinnest of threads.

"Maybe it would help," Trudy says, with infinite caution, "to just go ahead and laugh, sir."

A beat. And then Rosie bursts into laughter.

"Giving new meaning to the 'deer in the headlights' expression, my friend." She scoots closer. "I thought you just said you don't mind a little 'levity'..."

"I don't!"

"In that case. Carry on, Trudy - Auntie Rosie is gonna help our patient out a bit while you work."

Too late, Alastor realizes what his fellow overlord has in mind. "Wait, wait! Ros-"

A delicate set of nails find the region just under his ribs - and it's all downhill from there.

"Ah! Fuhuck!" Alastor chokes on a curse before he can catch himself. He twists sideways, collapses into muffled giggles, and briefly manages to pull himself together - just barely - with a few hyperventilated breaths. "Rosie, really! This isn't- please- ack! I can't-" There's that damn stutter again. He hadn't even stuttered when Adam slashed him.

And now, Great Alastor the Radio Demon, undone by some scribbles? And a medical exam?!

Meanwhile, Trudy can feel even less now than she could before, her patient's belly now quaking with silent, suppressed mirth. But she takes one look at Rosie's delighted expression... and continues probing anyway, curling a subtle little smirk of her own.

It seems Rosie has picked up on a slightly less tangible injury than anything Trudy can address. But fortunately, they've just stumbled upon a promising potential treatment.

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Part 2 is already pretty much finished - my brain is just too mushy at this point to contend with Tumblr's shitty text interface any longer, and this feels like a good stopping point.

Lemme get a good night sleep and another dose of Prozac and I'll have the rest out shortly 😅

💜 - Cozy

#lee!alastor #ler!rosie #ticklish!alastor #oh deer he's ticklish #ticklefic #tickle content #hazbin hotel tickles #hazbin hotel tickling

[dreamofbecoming]

ooh, this is a fun one! took me a bit, but i had a good time with this! tagged by the ever lovely @wren-of-the-woods

Rules: post the top 5 works you’re most proud of that you released in 2022 (not necessarily your most popular), your top 4 current WIPs that you’re excited to release in the new year, your top 3 biggest improvements in your writing over the past year, your top 2 resolutions (ways you wish to improve your writing/blog) for the new year, and your number 1 favorite line you’ve written this year!

Top 5 works:

pronounce my name aright definitely the shortest of all my posted works, but just as definitely the writing i’m most proud of. linking the tumblr version and not the ao3 because i think the original idea is one of the best things i’ve ever written, i still can’t find a single thing i dislike about it

pale shadows of forgotten names the piece that started it all! this one rotated angrily in my brain for weeks, buzzing like a hive full of hornets, until i caved and typed the whole thing out in the notes app of my phone in the middle of the night. it fell out of me nearly in one go, and the edits i’ve made to it since then are all pretty minor. it just sort of...sprung into being. considering i hadn’t written anything for this fandom, nor anything at all but a very short supernatural vent piece in over 15 years, it felt a little like being clubbed upside the head. but i was (and remain) deeply proud of it, and entirely flabbergasted by the reception. i probably wouldn’t be active in this fandom if i hadn’t written this one

sleep now, she pleads my first ever chaptered work, and one i am determined to finish if it’s the last thing i do, augh T_T it started off as a songfic, which i hadn’t done before, and it’s evolved well past its borders, and there’s a lot of character work and world-building involved that i’m pretty proud of. my brain is made of soup most days so it will continue to take time for me to finish it, but i have so much planned that i’m excited to share for this one!

this isn’t a breakup, dearheart, it’s a season finale this was the first non-canon au i ever wrote, and i had so much fucking fun with it. it’s so silly and i love it so much

our shadows that are bold sing this is not the best writing i’ve ever produced, but it was the first thing i wrote that had me giggling in delight the entire time. this is the dumbest, silliest, most absurd fun i’ve had writing anything in ages. this fic is my beloved idiot child and i would die for it

(listen i only have 6 posted witcher works, it seems cruel to leave bitten lips and broken hands off the list when i love it so much. i wrote this one all in one go overnight instead of sleeping, and i had to type the end on a screen blurry with tears because i made myself cry at 6am over these idiots, and i’m damn proud of it, ok???)

Top 4 current wips:

sleep now, for sure. i’m gonna finish this damn thing if it kills me

my potions 5+1, which involves competent!jaskier and everyone knowing they’re in love before they do

my banshee/siren hybrid au! this is the closest i’ve ever gotten to writing actual plot, and i have no idea if i’m going to be able to follow through, but i’m damn excited to try!

i’ve got a whole warren’s worth of plot bunnies, but a couple of dreamling fics i’m especially looking forward to, including one that involves dream’s biggest ptsd trigger being silence and hob getting to babble him to sleep

Top 3 biggest improvements:

learning to outline, rather than just flinging myself headlong off a cliff and hoping i land on some words that go mostly in order

brevity! i’m a wordy son of a bitch, part of the reason i’m so proud of pronounce my name aright is because i managed to cut it off without beating it to death. i have to keep relearning this one though lol

writing action- the banshee story is the first time i’ve really tried, but i know i wouldn’t have been able to write something like that a year ago, and i hope to keep improving

Top 2 resolutions:

fucking finish my wips dammit

i want to post at least 5 finished works this year. it might not sound like a lot but hopefully i’m going back to school, so i’ll be happy if i can manage 5.

Top 1 favourite line:

Geralt sighs again, but stops pulling away. “But there’s still so much shit in the world. There are so many humans who hate me, or fear me, or try to cheat me, or who end up being monsters worse than the ones they want me to kill, and the problem with having it smacked over my head that I  do  actually have feelings, is that it makes it so much harder to ignore them. And there’s so much anger in me, Jaskier, and grief, and loneliness. And I can’t ever show it to anyone, or it will confirm everything they think they know about me. It will make me a monster. It will make me the Butcher all over again.” He looks up again, his expression anguished. “You’re the only one who’s safe. You’re the only one I can be angry around, or sad, or scared, or just annoyed, without thinking the worst of me. You’re the only one who ever comes back.”

listen i know it’s more than a line, ok? but honestly this whole section is the thing i’m proudest of out of all my writing. it was one of those moments where you come up with a headcanon kind of on the fly and don’t realize until after you’ve worked the whole thing out that like, fuck. that seems like it could be like. objectively correct? anyway i am very rarely convinced of my own brilliance but this was one of those times.

allllllright tagging the usual suspects, i think, @dancingwiththefae @islenthatur @spilledbutter @podcastenthusiast @fangirleaconmigo and anyone who feels like jumping in!

#personal #my writing #tag games

[penelopecruzcoded]

we're finally onto crystal castles and it's unearthing so many buried memories. i found crimewave on somebody's blog or myspace or something i no longer remember, and i instantly knew i was hearing some kind of movement i had never heard before, an entirely new kind of music, those bouncy, springy 8-bit beats that were so new back then, when people were still beginning to experiment with that whole sound, and my small teenage mind was getting blown. one of those bands who, not only did i love absolutely everything they put out, but their art informed my art deeply and on a very foundational level. by the time II came out i was in university, and it was the soundtrack to my days there. the cover art, that kid who stands by the graveyard. a relative found that album in my belongings and pointed to the picture: "i thought that was you." i started seeing myself as the kid on that album cover. my first year at csm my big final end-of-year foundational project involved a stop-motion movie starring a cut out of alice glass (i cut her out from magazine covers and editorials i collected). i cast her as an alice in a dystopic alice in wonderland, where she travels down a rabbit hole and the people in wonderland end up lobotomizing her, and then she turns into a doll. so much in that one piece that speaks to me now, that i understand as a silent transmutation of my own suffering. you never understand your own art until years later. even crazier still, as i cast alice as a vehicle for my own suffering i had absolutely no clue what she was going through, suffering a parallel hell, which is another mindblowing parallel i still can't manage to pick apart. i idolized her and wanted to be like her, i romanticized her and ethan's relationship: the coolest couple out there making music. so much you never learn until later.

i burned that short i made onto a CD and so desperately wanted to hand it over to alice herself when CC came to london to play a show, but anxiety took over as usually and i never did end up going to the show, nevermind giving them the CD. i don't think i will ever stop listening to them, even though the devastating information alice came out with later could never be unlearned either. i can't unlearn it and i don't want to, as ethan has taken on the shape of a very familiar abusive entity. i absolutely know what alice told was the truth (and she was of course branded a liar buy the ethan fangirls, of course, lol) and i believe her. unfortunate that we'd end up crossing paths on twitter when she accused somebody i love of abuse (not ethan), in a way that was untrue and jumping to conclusions and triggered reactions based off the past and then i had to go and argue her in her mentions. wild lol. that's my whole CC story thus far, i did see the new girl ethan seemed to replace alice with, a carbon copy it seemed in looks albeit much younger and similarly i guess easy to manipulate person due to the age gap. it's sad. i haven't listened to amnesty and truthfully i have no interest in a post-alice CC, because while ethan was the beats, alice was the beating heart of it all, and without her, there is no CC.

i'll always love and cherish the music that came, the tracks i grew up with, and holding all those complicated thoughts and feelings together and at once is just what life is like, and art is like. if i could mourn for my former self, i would, because i feel like it. hold a small funeral for her because she is no more, but because i do love who she used to be and how hard she tried to go on in spite of everything. i used to look up to alice for being the epitome of cool in music, from her clothes to her hair to the way she didn't seem to give a fuck what anybody else was doing, i thought of us like kindred spirits. but if there's anything i share in common with alice now, it's probably that we are both survivors. life put us through the grinder and spat us back out and we're still here, carrying on. and there's some kind of pride to be had for that, is my take away as i sit here and listen to Empathy. we should pride our ability to survive, maybe not unscathed, maybe not undamaged, but still here, still breathing. crawling if we have to sometimes, covered in sludge, existing in the swamps because toxicity became our only friend, until we are better enough that breathing purer air won't kill us. until we can walk again. survivors have this. every single one of us who has survived something, we have this instinct, even if hitting the self-destruct button felt tempting at many, many turns, we keep on going. i will keep on going. and i will thrive.

#violet's itunes project #diary #i should edit this but...fuck it

[floresyerrores]

Saw a post of how there’s this new trend of like pretty girls who were clearly obviously popular (and probably mean) in school are trying to say they are now the “weird girls” - basically like the new pick mes and it triggered me so bad.

Gave my flashbacks of my childhood and early days of middle school where I was picked on and bullied so bad. Almost forgot how bad it was cus I always looked back on it as part of my “lore” and “growth” lmao it was just a normal part of life right everyone got picked on a little right 😀

It made me into the little bad ass I am today right lol.

It was actually so fucked. I guess I always dealt with it by laughing it off but I actually was bullied so bad I had to switch schools. I didn’t *have* to but my mom became a teacher in my school district that same year while I was getting bullied and when she found out about how bad it was, she asked if I wanted to try a different middle school. My bff had to move schools and my other friends got sent to alternative school so I figured why suffer alone lol and thought a new start could be fun.

Circa 2007/2008 I went thru my early emo/scene in 7th grade (never really grew out of it tbh) and I lost all my friends from 6th grade basically since they thought I was so weird and different but I made new friends who were like me, my little weirdos ❣️

I had my little friend group, like 7 of us, we were the only emo/scene kids in our school so we were really close and would always walk together, eat lunch together etc. Some of us would get picked on worse than the others - me for example, so we always tried to travel in a pack so we wouldn’t get ganged up on.

I remember my math teacher being one of my worst bullies solely for the fact that she was my literal TEACHER and would clown me in front of the whole class and everyone would laugh at me and I would just sit there and take it because I had never experienced that before from my fellow students let alone my own teacher…

One time she asked me if me and my friend group where all dating each other and slept together 💀 we were literally 13 dude and she was asking me essentially about polyamory and orgies. Something I knew nothing about at the time. She would make fun of my friends to my face and think it was funny.

Everyone in her class shunned me and avoided me, no one wanted to sit at the desks next to me - we used to be grouped in 4 desks all facing each other and she would have to pick people to sit at the tables with me and would purposely pick the kids who hated me the most. The all thought I was the devil lmao or some satanist

I used to write in a journal and make silly little lists of random stuff like “people I love” or whatever. I was talking about my friends obviously and I wrote their names down on my “ppl i love” list and one of my close friends shared the same name as one of the girls at the table who would make fun of me. My friends name was Kristen, and the bully was named KIRSTEN. The math teacher called me up to the board to answer something (she always liked to pick on me knowing I was shy and was hated in the class) and when I got back to my desk my journal had been moved and the girl with the same name as my friend was like “omg y’all she LOVES me what do I do 😱 she’s in LOVE with me ewwww” and I just knew that they had read my journal. I felt so embarrassed and like my privacy had been invaded I wanted to cryyyy it was awful. Like bitch why would I love YOU when you obviously hate me, bully me, etc etc.

Obviously that was my fault for leaving my journal out in the open and thinking they would not read it. Tbh I think they went through my bag and found it themselves cus I knew better than to leave it out, but I’m sure they saw me writing in it all the time.

Then, when I got the big chop (cut my long, down to my back hair into a short choppy emo style cut) and went to school feeling so cute about myself, I walked into her class and sat at my assigned desk (in the front because she was cruel and hated me obv). She stood behind me during the lesson and touched my hair/back of my neck then said “oh wow they really hacked your hair huh” and kept inspecting my haircut. Everyone laughed while I silently cried at my desk. The trauma 💀

Another time she said it smelled like weed/smoke in her class and came up right behind me and sniffed me then was like, sorry you just look like the type to do that stuff. You and your…. friends. I was like no. I don’t do any of that (I was still innocent then lol)

It got to so bad to the point where my bff made me report it to our AP because she was his aide at the time and knew it was wrong of her. I used to cry and tell her all the horrible things that happened to me in her class that day. So finally after almost a whole year of her tormenting I listened to her advice and told our AP about what she would do.

She pulled me out of class the next day and tried to give me some half assed apology - said something like if anything she said to me hurt my feelings, that wasn’t her intention, she was just playing with me blah blah blah but I didn’t really care I just said its ok it’s fine cus I was always so shy and non confrontational at that point. I was honestly scared of what she was going to tell me. I had been hoping they would switch me out of her class but it never happened. They did find a sub for her class for awhile so that was a nice break from her even though I still had to deal with the bullies in her class (which she helped to create). I vaguely remember something like they sent her to some empathy training class or something but I could be wrong lol idk.

I can’t remember exactly what happened after but she was gone for awhile towards the end of the year or semester (can’t remember exactly) but she was in a car accident, her car was totaled lol (karma bitch) and she was gone for awhile. She came back with a leg cast, showed us pictures of her totaled car trying to get some sympathy lol and basically just played movies all day or let us do whatever. She told one of the students she liked that she really didn’t care what we did because she would be leaving at the end of the semester and wouldn’t be coming back to teach. Idk if it had anything to do with me reporting her but 🤷🏻‍♀️ karmaaaa

We had some students switch to our math class and this one stoner foo got seated next to me/was put in my group. This chubby Mexican guy (Chris). I called him a fat ass at lunch once cus he had skipped me in the lunch line so I was worried he was gonna be mean and would remember me but I knew he was pretty funny cus he was like “HEY I’m not fat I’m just fluffy” lol. I was also friends with his on/off gf at the time so I would talk to him about his girl problems and try to help him win her back lol. He was the onlyyyyy one who was nice to me and actually talked to me in that class when I literally felt like such a loner. He became like my bff in that class, I would share all my Japanese snacks with him and let him copy my answers lol. I will never forget him or his kindness, he also ended up being my 🍃 plug after I graduated HS up until I moved out of Texas 2 years ago lmao. Thanks Chris 🥲 he really saved me in that class because after that, the teacher never came after me or tried to clown me again. No one messed with me after that because he would always have my back if they tried to say something.

Other bullies in school would just corner me or friends or all of us whenever they got the chance and would just say mean things or ask stupid shit like “do you worship the devil” or “are you a witch” and are you all gay, etc etc. Or they would laugh at us in the hallways and make fun of our clothes. We all had to wear uniforms but ofc my friends and I went out of our way to show off our individuality and would wear skinny jeans and band tees or all black whenever we had the chance and ofc we altered our uniforms to fit our style lol. We were basically walking Hot Topic ads lmaooo. Those bullies were nothing compared to the math teacher.

Another time, on my birthday, my friends had gotten me some gifts and one friend (Justin) gifted me a Hello Kitty plush and also a Dear Daniel plushie bc he knew I loved HK 🥺 I was a little weirdo so I walked around the whole day with my plushies proudly and had a relatively nice day because of all the kind gifts. My friend (Kristen) and I were walking towards our bus at the end of the day and the buses were all lined up as usual, some kids already in their seats waiting to go. We passed by one kid in the window seat (it was open) who was taking a big sip of his bright neon orange Gatorade (I remember it so clearly) and he looked right at me and spit it out the window right at me and Kristen - it landed on me, my hair, my friend and worst of all - my brand new hello kitty and Dear Daniel plushie 😔 staining it orange and completely ruining my whole day. My friend smiled at them and kept us moving to our bus but as soon as we got to our seats on the bus I broke down crying the whole way home. Sad stuff man. The orange never washed off my plushies 💔

I wrote about it in my journal that night and I guess my mom was reading my journal during those days since she thought I was a devil child (lol jk she was just worried about me bc of how I was acting) and that’s how she found out about the bullying and decided to switch me out of that school for good after the school year ended.

Lots of other stuff I went through during that dark period of time but those are the events that I remember so vividly even 10 years later.

Good times!

All part of my lore hahaha

#journal #diary #2007 #bullying #2000s emo #trauma #my lore #lmao #emo days #scene kid #scenecore #lore

[sojourner-between-worlds]

Rather than subject myself to the Complete Humiliation of posting old things anew on ao3 but since judging from that poll I made ages ago now that ya'll just as desperate for content as I am, lol, I have decided to link all of my old Yugioh 5Ds fics here, complete with short (spoiler-free!) commentaries about what you can expect from these ancient monstrosities. (Yes, the links are to ffn; don't complain about ads if you still aren't using an adblocker in the year 2023.)

Under the cut since there are quite a few and commentary doesn't help make it any shorter of a post, lol.

General Notes: **Posted in FFN publication order; fics posted on deviantArt at an earlier date have that noted. **The earliest fic is 13 years old. I won't tell you how old I was but... it was much younger than now, lol. I was 16/17 okay? A Baby. **As stated above, commentary is spoiler-free so feel free to read that before clicking through (actually, I'd recommend it; there are trigger warnings on a several of them that appear in those notes). **I had not seen the sub at all/ all the way through at the time, so all names/terms are from the dub. Similarly, some details may also be different. **Feel free to laugh at all of these, but please laugh about them here on tumblr and not on FFN. If you leave me a comment over there, I won't know you came from here and that it's in good faith instead of just being mean-spirited. (Or, if you feel you must comment there, at least tell me you came from this post. But I would love to interact over them and I probably won't do that with FFN comments.) Feel free to laugh (because God knows I did while re-reading some of these), but let me laugh with you.

Proceed at your own risk.

A Secret Kept Originally Posted: April 7, 2011 (First posted on dA -Aug 14, 2010) Summary: When questions of his past surface, Yusei uncovers a 20-year-old secret that someone will do anything to keep hidden - even if it means murder! Length: 22 chapters (~36.5k words) Commentary: -- This was originally posted in three parts on dA but was combined for ease of subbing on ffn. -- Trigger Warnings: ya know, murder if that wasn't clear in the summary, lol; gun violence (in relation to the murders), vehicle accidents, dubious science -- Don't ask me what I was on when I named OCs, okay? I don't know. Pretty sure in my head "Kale" was not pronounced like the leafy green stuff, lol. Maybe there was supposed to be an accent on the 'e'? I don't know so don't ask. (I'm laughing about this, okay? Feel free to laugh too.) -- There's one chapter early on that gave me second-hand embarrassment so hard that it is the reason I am not posting these on ao3 at this time. I contemplated cutting it out but then realized I couldn't because, as terrible and cheesy as it is, it's too relevant. Just. Just keep that in mind. -- Medical Inaccuracies. Because I was Young and it makes for better drama. I am sorry. I am so, so sorry. It's so terrible. It killed me ten times over. I am so sorry. -- I had zero concept of the layout of the garage apartment. But, then again, I feel like most people don't, lol. -- The timeline is waaaaaaay off in places. Whoops. In my defense, streaming as a whole was pretty new at the time and I didn't have a way to re-watch episodes yet except pirating, which, you know, I had to do for the last 20 anyway, but I digress, lol. -- I have nothing to say about the plot except: Yeah. It gets Weird in places. The resolution is also Weird. Probably not any Weirder than the sequel, though, honestly. (....or any weirder than some of the things that happen in canon, for that matter.)

Changing the World Originally Posted: April 25, 2011 (First posted on dA -Sept 11, 2010) Summary: Crow is fed-up with the way Kalin is running the Enforcers! What happens when he walks away? Length: 4 chapters (~4k words) Commentary: -- Slightly canon-divergent but still fits in the overall narrative. -- Trigger Warning: suicide (It wasn't actually suicide but you don't even find that out in this fic, so.) -- Why did I ever think first-person POV was a good idea? It is not. -- Very loosely tied to both a collab listed below (A New Hope) and Angels and Devils but not truly necessary to read this one first. (Its connected by one name and one event. That's it. That's all. lol) -- I started rereading this one and then Did Not. Make what you will of that.

Shattered Soul Originally Posted: May 1, 2011 Summary: Yusei has always been the quiet, almost shy one of the gang. Jack is the one to explain why this is since only he, Martha, and Dr. Schmidt know the truth. Some reasons were never meant to be understood... and this is one of them. Length: 12 chapters (~21k words) Commentary: -- Trigger Warnings: semi-graphic depictions/descriptions of child abuse, graphic self-harm, gang violence and murder (mentioned) -- The second half of this fic was entirely unplanned when I started, so there is an abrupt shift in story-telling about half way through. -- The timeline doesn't quite match up correctly with canon, but I'm just gonna blame that once again on not really having a way to rewatch episodes back then, lol. -- This one actually got a sort-of one-shot re-write, lol. The re-write ended up almost entirely different, but this was where that idea came from. (You can actually read that one on ao3 because it's pretty recent.) -- If I were to actually fully re-write this one in the future (I never will), I would absolutely not format it like this. The format is pretty terrible, and some things should just...not have been written the way they were, lol. (Please excuse the info dump that is chapter 4, for example.) -- This one is also loosely tied to the collab listed below (A New Hope) but not necessary to read first since we didn't actually get that far into the collab for it to make a difference. Just a fun fact for you. (There was an unresolved plot point that was intended to resolve in the collab, but we didn't get that far. So if you read this and wonder about something, yeah it was probably that, lol.)

Scattered Memories Originally Posted: June 7, 2011 Summary: 50 Yugioh! 5D's related one-shots and drabbles. Length: 18 chapters (~14k words) Commentary: -- Clearly this is not 50 chapters. I never finished it because I started writing for a different fandom and lost interest. Ironically, I also started a theme challenge for that fandom as well that I never finished (though that was because my hard drive crashed and I lost the list, lol). -- I did not reread this one since it is just one-shots. There's nothing terribly memorable about them that bares mentioning, however, so... make what you will of that.

Chain Reaction Originally Posted: June 23, 2011 (First posted on dA -Dec 28 2010) Summary: If you had the power to change the past, would you? This is the question Yusei receives from a mysterious stranger. Will he accept the invitation to stop Zero Reverse from ever happening? Length: 10 chapters (~18.5k words) Commentary: -- Ye old cringey "what if"/alternate timeline fic. Except it doesn't actually happen. And nothing is explained at the end. -- I read about the first page and noped out of it. Maybe it gets better, hard to say. Let me know if it does if you actually dare to read it, lol. So unfortunately I can't really warn you about anything since I haven't read it in who knows how long. Sorry. You're on your own on this one, folks. -- (I do remember it being fun to write, but that doesn't really mean much. I'm sure I had fun writing all of these, after all, lol.)

The Camping Bet Originally Posted: June 26, 2011 Summary: What starts out as an argument between Jack and Crow turns into an all-out bet, guys vs. girls! The guys don't think the girls can last in the wilderness without electricity and running water; the girls think likewise of the guys. Who will win the bet? Length: 8 chapters (~12.5k words) Commentary: -- I only wrote about the first half of this one, so when there's an abrupt shift in writing style, that's why. Debated not including it, but I still like the premise honestly, and it was a lot of fun to write. -- Features my former best friend's OC, Elodie Kumari. You don't really need to know anything about her for this fic, though. Except that she's dating Crow? I think? I didn't reread this one, either. -- Incorrect geography. I did not look up places in Japan. I used the Boundary Waters in MN, USA, because I've been there. I have no regrets about this, however. -- I did skim the first chapter, but since I didn't re-read it in full, I apologize that I can't alert you to anything weird. Like replacing all of the 's's with 'z's in Sherry's dialog since she's French. I'm sure that seemed like a good idea at the time... *shrugs*

Darkness Before Dawn Originally Posted: Sept 24, 2011 Summary: Sequel to A Secret Kept. The worst has happened: Yusei is dying and the doctors can't figure out why. Now the gang must call on an old enemy for help… But will he be able to help? Will the gang find out what's going on before it's too late? Length: 11 chapters (~17k words) Commentary: -- I don't know where this absurd premise came from, but also it's really not that absurd within the Yugioh universe, so. Whatever. (It's so nutty but somehow I still love it? Idek.) -- Medical Inaccuracies. In part due to the dubious science of the previous fic, but hey. Also because of, ya know, magic and stuff. But also because Drama. Same as last time. -- Look. All of these are cheesy. But this one? Takes the cake. By a mile. (Also very majorly shippy --YuseixAki-- if you're into that, lol. Very minor JackxCarly and CrowxSherry but like. barely.) I had to stop reading a couple of times to gather myself. It is an ooey-gooey mess. -- So many epithets. I am so sorry. -- Also so many typos. I don't know why its so bad in this one, but it really is. -- (Also, where were the twins through all of this? I have no idea but I didn't write them in this and it actually makes zero sense that they aren't present, considering certain events. Me @ past!me: care to explain yourself? lol)

Angels and Devils Originally Posted: Nov 6, 2011 (first posted on dA -Feb 7, 2011) Summary: Naomi Mori may live in the Satellite, but her life isn't as horrible as most - that is until one so-called friend turns everything upside down. No shippings, mostly OC's with mentions of cannons until the second half of the story. Length: 4 chapters (~12k words) Commentary: -- Ye old cringey OC story. 'Nough said. -- This one was originally posted in two parts (Looking for Angels and City of Devils) on dA but was combined for ease of subbing on ffn. -- Trigger Warnings: gun violence (someone does die), suicide (that's actually not but still), implied attempted sexual assault (me @ past me: excuse me but why) -- The only reason I posted this one over to FFN was because of the collab listed below because Naomi plays a large part in it and readers needed to know who she was and her history. -- Side note: as someone who actually plays the game now but didn't when I wrote this, the deck I created for her is absolutely terrible. As in, nonfunctional except for anime duels where you always get exactly what you need, lol. -- I have no idea if half the cards I use in these duels are real cards or not. I know I made some of them up, but at this point, I don't remember which ones, lol (with the exception of one that is very obvious when you read it). There is definitely some Absurd Things going on in this duel. I'm pretty sure I did not count cards and even though I'm not counting them now either, I'm pretty sure this character does not have this many cards available to him, lol. Little Me did not know anything about dueling, lol. Take everything with a grain of salt.

A New Hope Originally Posted: Jan 2, 2012 (First posted on dA -May 2011) Summary: Construction has begun on the bridge that will finally connect the City and the Satellite. But certain people aren't happy with the City's decision to unite the two places and will stop at nothing to make sure the bridge is never completed! Length: 12 chapters (~37k words) - Discontinued Commentary: -- I am still Mad at myself and my collab partner for having never finished this. It tied so many fics of both of ours together and resolved some previously only hinted at story lines. But -- wouldn't you know it -- we got stuck on a duel. We technically wrote past that, intending to just come back to it later, so there are probably at least 3 chapters that never saw the light of day because we never frickin got the duel written before we both moved on to other fandoms. *sigh* (She's also the one who had the notebook we passed back and forth so I don't even have access to those chapters anymore. Hard to say if she even has it anymore. It's very sad. I'm very smad about it, lol.) -- The first couple chapters are okay but a few chapters after are kind of a drag, not gonna lie. But they are also now essential because said collab partner decided to rewrite her OC story (that is rehashed in this one) and never finished the rewrite but also deleted the original. So those few chapters are really the only place the full story exists now, sadly. (If you really want to read what there is finished of the rewrite, you can here: Birds of a Feather. Also, if you are in desperate need of yet more really old and cheesy fics, her writing was always better than mine, haha.) -- After the first ~5 chapters, I really, really still love the plot, okay? Parts of it were really, truly genius. I kind of wish I could go back and finish writing this fic, but sadly...I cannot. For a lot of reasons, I won't get into here, haha. But yeah. If you can get passed the opening few chapters, I think you may still enjoy the rest of it. -- There's this really weird part where we wrote in first person despite the rest of it being in third person. I stand behind that decision for what we were wanting to do, but also terrible. Horrible. Should not have done that, and I think we could have found a way to write it in third. -- While I have reread this one recently, actually, that was still probably at least six months ago so I didn't reread it for the making of this post. Therefore, not a lot of commentary on the fic itself other than the parts I can remember.

Lay Your Weapons Down Originally Posted: May 27, 2012 Summary: After being married for two years, everything they fought so hard for is falling apart. Yuaki Length: One shot (~1600 words) Commentary: -- There was supposed to be a companion piece to this with Jack and Carly, but obviously I never wrote it. -- Contains the above collab partner's OC shipped with Crow but that's not the focus and you don't really need to know that much about her beyond that. -- Honestly? Didn't reread it. Super cheesy if memory serves, though, haha.

I Never Meant For This To Happen! Originally Posted: June 8, 2012 (First posted on dA Jan 26, 2011) Summary: Kalin is hauled away by Sector Security. Yusei wonders at his friend's mistake. Length: One shot (~750 words) Commentary: -- Nothing really. Didn't reread it either, honestly.

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There we have it; ye old 5Ds fics. If these haven't completely scared you off from my writing, I do have a whole three fics I've written recently that you can find on ao3. I hope you enjoyed reading these (or at the very least that they gave you a good laugh at the absurdity of it all).

#yugioh 5ds #ygo 5ds #really old and terrible fanfics for your humor and pleasure? #definitely for your humor but pleasure is debatable lol

[mxntbreath]

Cámara de usar y tirar

hhhhh misleading title haha, blog is in english, as usual.

lowercase is intended, it’s my way of typing. now, with that out of the way, let’s get to it shall we? god i hate that phrase so fucking cliché, so overused, so useless. reminds me of something, huh.

you guessed it, this is yet again another edition of mint crying on the internet cause they’re denied of mental health woo !! but this is not the blog where i’ll complain about my family and how i’m tired of it, no, this one is dedicated to me *surprise noises* specially how much i hate myself and, well, others do as well.

me, me, me what a fucking narcissist am i right? who would write about themselves thinking anyone in the world would care the slightest bit about it? only a narcissist that’s who.

okay- this fells like a fucking filler episode, all words no actual meaning to them.

let’s do this in order.

when i was little i thought of myself as this cool ass kid who everyone would love to be friends with since i was super creative and had lots of talents, wouldn’t take long to realize i was wrong. i was fat, that doesn’t mean anything to anyone now, but back then that defined my entire existence, the fat kid. the one no one wanted to hang out with. i remember looking at myself, barely a tween, and just absolutely hating the way i looked. i remember a kid, i’ll call her victoria, telling me the way i dressed would just drive the boys away. i remember being chosen last at any and every game. i remember being just, there, to fill in the fat kid role every school needs. it’s not like i wanted to kill myself over that, i just found it distasteful, sad, ugly. i wouldn’t care though, after all, there was a random fucking creep on the internet who liked me. i’ll never forget him for all the wrong reasons.

as i entered my teenage years (still a teenager but who cares) my body went through a shit ton of changes, most important of all my period which made me lose a lot of weight. i wasn’t skinny but i wasn’t fat either. i turned 13 and i started getting catcalled and followed on the street, it was terrifying, but i couldn’t complain right? i mean, boys were definitely noticing me, complaining would be dumb. then i started dating this girl, nice girl, everyone thought the same as me being in a relationship with a girl made their sick fucking brains think about us in private situations, i hated that, i hated men. we broke up, after that i got into a lot more relationships that lasted a few weeks, the latest one being the best and worst of them, after all i was just una cámara de usar y tirar and he threw me away when i wasn’t of use. what did i do wrong? i did all he wanted me to.

no. what did i ever do wrong? why were people so fucking mean to me? am i not enough? i don’t even wanna keep writing all that’s happened to me, triggering myself lol.

tldr; i’m just here to make other people feel better about themselves and bring them entertainment for a short while, have been for years. beep boop.

night.

#mxnt.txt #triggered myself and had to cut the post short lol #cámara de usar y tirar means disposable camera #i am so fuckinf dumbfnridie #hhhhhhh #good night im tired #mxntbreath

[nordic-language-love]

2022 Plans and Goals

I actually gave up making new years resolutions many years ago because I never stuck to them. I’m not about to change that, but I have some things I’d like to achieve in 2022, so I want to make plans. Plans that I actively work towards achieving. I want to update every month (or week?) with the steps I took towards achieving that goal to encourage me to actually work on them, even if it’s only a little.

Anyway, these are the goals I have in mind (under a cut because it’s long)

1. Pass the Bergenstest

Obviously this is my number 1 language priority! My written test is booked for the 1st of April. I’ve not booked the spoken test yet, but I might have to wait until September as I’ve not had any response from the UK test centres about taking the spoken test and I can’t afford to go to Norway twice in one month.

2. Pull all my skills up to C1 level

At the moment, I think my reading/listening are about C1 level (not a high C1 though), but my speaking/writing are definitely not at that level. It might be a little ambitious to think I could get to that level overall this coming year, but I intend to try!

3. Complete Norwegian Tutor and Enjoy Norwegian textbooks

I’ve had both of these books for ages and I’ve still not finished them. I have maybe 5 chapters left of Norwegian Tutor, but I’ve barely done more than flick through Enjoy Norwegian. It’d be nice to complete them both!

4. Intensively study another language for 3 months (?)

After I’ve passed the Bergenstest, I want to spend some time on a different language. I might pick up Spanish again, or maybe Japanese, but I’m also tempted to start a completely new language and see how good I can get in 3 months (probably Russian because I have so many Russian students). I’m still not 100% decided I’ll do this at all. At the moment I’m leaning towards Japanese because my mum got me some Japanese bilingual short stories and Genki for Christmas, but we’ll see!

Non-Language Goals/Plans

Although I won’t really post about these on this blog, I’m putting them here as a record for myself, as well as for accountability’s sake.

5. Move out of my current house

I’ve lived here for 10 years, and now with my boyfriend living with me it’s just too small. I’d never planned for us to live here together, and certainly not for 3 years. We need to move out. It’s gonna be an absolute ballache, but it’ll be worth it! I think my goal for January is to make a list of all the things that need fixing/replacing and planning a timeline/budget for that (it’s gonna be expensive ugh but hopefully my dad will help seeing as we have joint ownership and all).

6. Learn to fan dance properly

I love my fans! But I currently feel like I just wave them around disjointedly while awkwardly walking/running around. Of course, this goal isn’t easy to measure, so here’s some measurable goals I can work towards:

Perfect antispin flowers

Learn simple body tracing patterns

Learn reels and weaves

Perform smooth transitions between different patterns

See a noticeable difference in my performance skills when comparing two videos side by side

I may also track the time I spend practising. Of course, I’ll keep track of this goal properly on my performer side blog @jo-jenova

7. Go to the dentist

This is super embarrassing to admit (and I’m sure some of you will be horrified) but I’ve been avoiding the dentist for years. I hate them and I’m terrified that they’ll tell me I need to spend thousands to fix my teeth. But if that’s the case then ignoring it isn’t going to make it go away, soo... I need to pull myself together and just do it lol.

8. Prioritise my health more

*Quick trigger warning for mentions of food, diet, exercise and weight loss. Scroll down to the next heading if you don’t want to read this bit!*

I used to train 10-15 hours a week and eat at least semi-healthy. Now I barely exercise and eat a lot of junk food. I’m pretty sure this is at least partially responsible for my lack of energy and I just don’t feel like me, really. So I want to change some things, for example:

Move daily, even if it’s just 10-15 minutes of yoga

Swap unhealthy snacks for fruit and veggies

Stop snacking right before mealtimes

Drink water instead of pepsi max and tea

Cut down on meat

Eat mostly home cooked meals / cut down on takeaways

Stop eating after 9pm

I plan to focus on one aspect every couple of weeks (rather than trying to do everything at once). So one fortnight I’ll focus on increasing my exercise, then the next I’ll focus on eating more fruit and vegetables, then drinking water etc. And if during the weeks I’m focusing on water intake my fruit/veg intake drops off, that’s okay. If I can keep it up, awesome. I just don’t want the pressure on myself to do all of these things all of the time. Maybe I’ll have a primary goal for each month and a secondary goal.

** End of trigger warning **

I may think of some more things to add to this list, but this is all I’ve got for now! I’m going into this year with a surprising amount of positivity given the past two years have uh. sucked. C’mon 2022, don’t let me down!

What goals do you guys have?

#2022 goals #langblr #language blog #learning languages #norwegian langblr

[danideservedbetter]

Alright so, here’s how things are gonna work.

First off, welcome to this side blog. Since it won’t be jolly fun fandom content and will be a little more personal I decided to separate my health and writing journey from my fandom stuff, although all my fandom content will still be linked on my main blog here.

(I write Izuocha/bnha content which isn’t super popular so if you’re not here for that then yeah, I don’t blame you. But if you are I have a link to our discord and community content pinned so def check it out if you’re interested.)

Secondly, you guys will hear details about stuff relating to my health like what kinds of things affect my disorder based on the tests some doctors are ordering, how I’m trying to improve my diet and activity, and routines and goals I’m attempting for myself. I am underweight, and that’s something I’m going to be talking a bit about, so if that’s triggering following this blog might not be the best thing for you. Details under the cut.

So, what kind of disorder do I have and why did I decide to make a health journey blog? My disorder is called idiopathic hypersomnia. Basically what that means is that when my disorder is acting up (based on factors like stress especially or my generalized anxiety rearing its ugly head) I have the capacity to sleep. And sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep. My longest recorded uninterrupted “sleep-attack” was 26 hours long and ever since I caught Covid in January, my body had been slowly growing weaker to the point I was starting to develop atrophy. I’ve had this ten years and my neurologist suspects inactive cells from mononucleosis I caught at 14 was the cause, because other IH patients have linked their sleeping problems to a case of mono or have had it at some point in their lives.

This disease stole many years and many things I’ve looked forward to from me. I lost friends and experiences and failed so many college classes I had to drop out.

I’ve decided I’m taking them back.

It’s not going to be easy. Just as it took ten years to convince myself that my tiredness was something I chose to give into, it took several extra years and many fights with my family to convince them that I had a real actual neurological disorder and that I need help sometimes. My parents and grandmother finally understand that I have to finish college and find a very special boss willing to work around my erratic progress on projects, but the outsiders they married are not as convinced. My grandmother’s husband kicked me out of their house because he wants to be the center of attention and doesn’t like that some days I’m so weak that I needed my grandmother’s help, and my father’s wife thinks I’m a lazy and ungrateful leech who “gets anxiety just being around” me. Both told my father I’ll never be happy so why even bother with me, but my dad is actually striving to understand his own recently-diagnosed PTSD so while we still butt heads he’s understanding that I have to take things day by day because every tiny circumstance affects my disorder.

Now, why did I decide to air all this out? Well, being open about my disorder and how it affects me has helped at least two people that I know of find out that the tiredness they experience isn’t the typical “American work force exhaustion” they were trained to believe is normal. So if I can help even one more, I’ll gladly talk about what this entails and how I deal with it day to day. Another reason is that I’m also one of those big advocates who believes talking candidly about mental health destigmatizes it and sharing ideas can help us grow as people and maybe make it a little easier to deal with.

So now that you know a little bit about me and my disorder, here are my big goals for the next three months provided my university takes pity on me and actually lets me go back.

First up: create routines to train my body to get used to living a full day fully awake. This includes waking up at the same time and going to sleep at the same time. It means getting dressed and going out and doing things, even little things— which I’ll get to in a sec.

Second: I write. I have a novel in limbo and I write fanfics. Writing is a big part of who I am and I’ve written one thing this year, which for a whole six-month stretch is upsetting and disappointing. Today is my reset. In the next 569 days I want to to finish the six stories I have in limbo (except the larger one) and finally reach my goal of posting 200k words in a single year. I wont be hard on myself if I can’t accomplish this because honestly finishing anything in the chaos of my life is going to be a miracle but. There ya go.

Third: go back to freakin college. I don’t care what it takes. Sit down with every official, every lawyer, and every professor it takes to get me back enrolled in classes in the fall.

Fourth: I have several smaller things I have to do, short term goals, stuff like that. I’m gonna create a to do list each day of small tasks I want to get done and while some of these things will be part of my daily routine I am throwing in like one or two things a day that just need to be done. My writing goal will change daily and I’ll keep y’all updated on that with every post I make.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Dani! That’s so much!! Well, a few months ago I remembered hey!! I basically have a computer in my hand, why make it hard on myself. So I downloaded certain apps to help me out. This isn’t me saying “hey go subscribe to these apps because I said so” it’s just that through a lot of trial and error I’ve come to find that these certain apps work for me and I’ve yet to come across one that has the functionality of everything I need.

Tiimo — so this is an app I found developed by people with autism for people with autism to help them develop good habits and routines. It has preset daily schedules (things like morning routines or nightly routines or work routines) and an internal alarm to let you know when to move on to the next task. I myself have extremely low-level aspergers (to the point where my doctor won’t give me an official diagnosis because I didn’t want people think that *it’s* the reason I have issues with school), so moving from task to task can be difficult sometimes and I also deal with getting distracted. This widget also appears on my home screen so I know what I have to do at a glance. You can program in weekly and daily tasks to fully customize your schedule, which is fantastic for someone like me who wants to for example rotate chores. This is hopefully going to help me get my body in the habit of adjusting to routines and transitioning from one task to another, as well as getting important things done responsibly.

Promptly Journals — I’ve been told for a while that journaling is helpful mentally to kind of recenter yourself, so a bit ago I downloaded several journal apps to add to my morning routine. Now some will prefer more creatively free journals, but I prefer this one that gives me small prompts I can do in a short amount of time that just allows me to get my thoughts down. I can even add pictures at the bottom that go with the theme! I’m scared I’ll run out of prompts eventually lol but until then this app works very well for my needs.

Stretchingexercise — Now idk if it’s from lack of sleep from my disorder, the position I sleep in when I do sleep, all the physical labor I’ve had to do in the past couple weeks, my medicine, or w h a t but I suffer from body aches like no one would believe. I know stretching is supposed to help with that, so I downloaded this app to help me do non-demanding physical activity that wakes me up in the mornings and helps relieve pain so I don’t keep having to take pain relievers. This one has different plans for things like muscle tension, back pain, warm ups— and it also gives you rudimentary weight updates (I’m underweight lololol so we’re looking to fix that) or plan updates. It’s worked really well for me so far and gives you animations and descriptions of the workouts (some taken from yoga) as well as timed breaks and a narrated guide. It’s been pretty helpful in temporary relief and if nothing else gets my blood flowing in the mornings.

Widgetsmith Step counter — in addition to the stretching thing one thing my doctor and I discussed that helps with the sedentary lifestyle is simply walking. I’ve needed so bad to relieve my stamina and reverse the atrophy, and walks have been stellar for that. Now I live in the New Orleans area so humidity and heat force me to go at the crack of Dawn, but honestly my weenie dachshund Charlie really enjoys our time out so he goes with me! The CDC recommends 10,000 steps a day which seems like a lot and it is if you don’t get out much. But this gives me an excuse to get dressed and do the hygienic thing and help Charlie be healthy too, as well as give me time for brainstorming because we walk in a truly beautiful area. I’m sure everyone installed widgetsmith with the last iOS update (Apple users anyway) and while at first the step counter was just interesting I’ve since come to rely on it! We do our 5000 in the morning, which of course is half, and I find that other things I do throughout the day typically drive the counter higher. Anything leftover can easily be accomplished by an evening walk in our neighborhood. Now the caveat is that I have to remote have my phone in my pocket because I don’t own a watch or anything fancy lol, but honestly I need to keep it on me anyway so that serves as a good reminder.

Todoist — this one is my FAVORITE. Ever since I’ve decided that I have trouble keeping track of things I need to do and small stuff I need to keep in mind and appointments, etc, I decided to find a list app. This is the one I found that absolutely helps me for everything from my list of room supplies I need to buy, to my reading list, to general tasks I have coming up I need to complete. And its widget functionality keeps it right on my Home Screen! More organized individuals can just use tiimo, but I’m definitely not one of those individuals so this app is sorely needed and appreciated.

And of course, I know building habits the first few weeks is HARD. So for days my body doesn’t respond to my alarms, I have a checklist of the key things I have to do to keep my life as functional as possible.

So that’s that on that. I’m going to try to keep writing updates and my daily goals in a post in the morning, and reblog what I accomplished in the evening. It���s gonna be tough. But I’m thinking if I can start small I’ll be able to build my stamina enough to return to college and be successful when I do. I hope that anyone watching this journey draws some kind of meaning or inspiration from it. And you guys can even follow along if y’all want! Especially for writers or people trying to get healthier. I can’t promise what works for me will work for you (and honestly I expect things to change especially if I get accepted into college again) but hey, I figure it’s worth a shot.

I hope you guys enjoy watching this journey, if nothing else I hope it’s entertaining. And maybe it’ll be successful. I do know that I’m just gonna try for it, and hope it works out.

First daily update to follow

Xoxo

Dani

#idiopathic hypersomnia #health and wellness #writing challenge

[ofdreamsanddoodles]

if you don't mind me asking, how do you deal with consuming content with 'problematic' aspects? for example, i see you reblog posts criticizing things like racism in tma, and you can still make content while being able to recognize those things. it's hard for me to continue enjoying something when it has even 1 thing slightly bad in it, but i know that's not a healthy way to consume content. is there anything you keep in mind when interacting with a given series? u don't need to answer ❤️ ty

also a note on my ask -- of course you don't need to answer, and you aren't a therapist & etc. i just admire your ability to both recognize flaws in works but still enjoy them, and thought since you seem to have critical thinking skills you might have a perspective that you could offer. being on tumblr from a young age seems to have affected my ability to separate things in my mind, lol. thanks so much for reading even if you don't feel comfortable answering.

I mean... you’ve kind of answered your own question? The only way to consume media is to remember that everything has flaws. My brother came by while I was typing this up and told me the answer is to “just vibe” because everyone is more or less terrible in one aspect or another but obviously, that’s not the answer you’re looking for.

I guess the short answer is just... you have to learn how to trust your own set of morals and understand that you shouldn’t feel guilty if a story you like betrays you. And yes, that’s hard, especially when you grow up surrounded by very rigid rules on what’s “okay” to watch, but if you’re just looking for some tips, here’s a list that I hope will help:

Find people you trust and see what they think of the situation. Think about whether or not they’re coming from an informed place. A friend of mine asked me if I knew about a Jewish tradition a while back. I had no idea what they were talking about. Turns out, it was something popular with German Jews. None of my family is from Germany. Sometimes, just being Jewish doesn’t mean I’m the right person to ask.

Find people who are complaining & see why they’re upset. Think about who is annoyed by this and how many of them there are. Think about what they think the proper response is, if any. Think about whether you have the right to wave off their concerns. Think about how those concerns are treated, both in-fandom and by creators. I saw a lot of people in the tma tag complaining about twitter “overreacting” to MAG 185, but if Jonny felt the need to issue an apology and specifically say that he realizes he’s crossed a line, chances are, the complaints were probably warranted (a thing I’d like to add is that apparently, RQ also issued an apology for a fluff episode they released, which I thought was kind of silly, because the episode was essentially just joking about martin forgetting a word. But also, as a neurodivergent person who sometimes struggles with speech, I do understand why that might upset people. not all apologies have to about incredibly important topics, but even the ones who aren’t show a lot about the cast behind it. Alternatively, if RQ had only apologized for this episode, and not MAG 185, that also says a lot about where there priorities are, and what fans they care about keeping)

Think about what will happen if you continue watching/reading etc. It’s not so much “is it okay if I keep watching this?” but “if I continue to watch this, will I convince myself that this problematic aspect isn’t actually a big deal? Is it so ingrained in the show that I can’t watch an episode without seeing the problems in it? What will I say to others, if they want to watch this?” For example, if someone sees you’ve reblogged a scene from a show you like and asks what it’s about, how many excuses are you going to give? How many trigger warnings are there, and can you justify them? There’s a difference between a piece of media having a character say homophobic slurs, and a piece of media saying a gay person should have homophobic slurs thrown at them.  Also: If you think you cant justify getting someone else interested, you probably shouldn’t justify contributing to the show. This might be obvious, but there’s a very big difference in pirating a tv show and buying its merch. 

Think about the fandom. If you continue talking about this, who are you surrounding yourself with? Like, there are a LOT of weirdos making content for kids shows, but that doesn’t always mean the show itself is weird. What it does mean, though, is that you should be careful navigating your enjoyment. Sometimes, the only way to enjoy something is to talk about it with a select few friends. Sometimes, it’s to enjoy it by yourself. I do believe it’s possible to enjoy a show in spite of the canon, but at the same time, if you’re watching a show that’s attracting a lot of racists, think about why that might be. 

some more thoughts under the cut, because I already wrote them out before I realized I could just make a list.

The thing about consuming media is that it’s very subjective. I know a lot of people who have given up on tma recently and while that’s not wholly because it’s “problematic,” it definitely plays a part in it. People have different meters for what they can excuse in media. The important thing to remember is WHY they left, and if you’re able to keep that in your mind while also continuing to engage in contact with the media. Will you be able to remember that Daisy traumatized Jon more than any other avatar if you consume context calling her Basira’s hot murderwife? Can you talk about the Flesh and acknowledge the racism in the creation of the Haans?

Personally, I don’t think you can produce positive content about Daisy and also acknowledge the harm she causes. You can’t point at a character and say, yes, she has committed actual police brutality, but I think she deserves a cute lesbian romance anyway. That’s not really a thing tma has done wrong as much as it is a problem with the fandom, but like, at the end of the day, it’s all just a matter of critical thinking. Who is being hurt by these portrayals of the characters? How? Most of the problems with tma aren’t things that are, like, baked into the actual worldbuilding and for a lot of people, that’s enough for them to still justify making content for the show.

If your complaints sound like “oh, if only they didn’t do xy, this would make for a good show,” then you’re probably fine. But if it goes into “i like this, but only if I can ignore (major plot point)” think about why you feel the need to keep watching. There are shows I’ve stopped watching based on principle. There’s manga I read that I only talk about with my brother and no one else, because I don’t want to be exposed to the fans. It doesn’t have to be as simple as “well, this artist did a bad thing, so now I’m going to ignore it forever.” If you think the creators of something are bad people, don’t support them. You can still pirate it or whatever, but if it’s something like hetalia, where the point of the show is just “let’s put all these stereotypes in a room and see how they react” then yes, for your own sake, you should stop watching because this is how stereotypes become normalized, and no one should be consuming media where nazi germany as the protagonist.

Really, at the end of the day, it’s just a matter of becoming media literate and that’s a process that takes time. Remember that being interested in something that isn’t 100% doesn’t make you a bad person, and listen to the people around you. Try and be a safe space for the people who do have complaints and remember not to place your enjoyment of something over the comfort of others. Other than that, just... do your best, I guess?

#this is far much more detail than you asked for i think but thats what you get for coming to me #asks #apologies if this took a while to answer i worked all day and needed some me time before i could tackle this #Anonymous

[pansexualseaanimals]

Chapter 9 Sneak Peeks ‘Cause You Deserve It

Hey guess what? I’m still alive! I haven’t been writing for a while because these past few chapters have kind of been making me face things about my own life that I hadn’t given due time to address and manage (especially Pyxis and Rory’s thoughts on how parents can “love you but not want you”, and stuff said by multiple people in chapter 9, the one I’m still writing) so I kinda just dealt with those thoughts and came to conclusions and stuff in my own mind while I endlessly binged anime and video games. Not that I don’t normally do that, mind you, but I did it a lot more and not much else.

Luckily, I live in a wonderful gorgeous apartment in my favorite town I’ve ever lived in (the only town I’ve ever called home, in fact! At least, in this world!) and it’s super comfortable and I live with my best friend who is way too good of a roommate if I must be frank - I’d rather be Columbia, honestly - and life has been relatively super good, so like. Don’t worry! I’m so happy in my life the way it is! I’m back home in the Midwest, surrounded by beauty and friends who’ve helped me out more than I could ever ask (but I did, let’s not lie lol) and... I still have depression and I’m working on that and planning on getting a doctor soon, but... I’m starting new good habits, getting into things I’ve been wanting to try, and yeah... I’m rambling at this point so I’ll make the rest quick.

I wanted to give sneak peeks because it’s been SO LONG and I don’t know how many people really actually read this thing? Like, “I’m excited that there’s a new chapter” kind of peeps? But no matter how few there are, you guys all deserve something nice, and this was all I could think of. Instead of just posting one scene, I’ll post a few clips from a bunch of scenes. Everything is subject to change as I keep writing, so it might not match the finished product, but... That just means you guys are extra-special! Heehee! ^__^ 

Excerpts are below the read-more cut. Hope it’s enjoyable! 

\/\/\/\/\/

"Oh, I've got twenty-five coins for the sea show clanking in the backseat, whoa-oh. I've got thirty-two seashells lined up in a row..." Caurel happily sang as she covered the turquoise side in pink, pausing and hiding in a corner when she noticed Zebra rising out of the spawn pool. The younger Inkling, hesitant, flung her brush wildly to cover the pink ink and swam forward, repeating the process every few feet. When she dropped down to the valley, she triggered another Ink Mine, this time getting away just quickly enough.

  "Not falling for that again," they sighed... right before Caurel popped out of her corner and slashed her brush at her, sending her floating right back to the spawn point. Unable to keep from giggling, Caurel re-inked the entrance ramp and climbed up to the higher level, brushing quickly down the alley as Zebra respawned again.

  "And I'll swim, swim, swim, to my darling Martha... And let her lay me down in the bay where the warm winds blow~"

  "Are we singing the same song?" Penny shouted from the audience, loud enough to be heard over the stage music.

"'Martha's Bay' by the Seagulls?" Caurel shouted back for confirmation.

"I knew it! Ahhh, I love you!"

"I love you, too, Butterfly!"

"Boooo!" Rocky shouted as he took out Thresher. "Get a room!"

  "But their love for each other is like our love," Ankyr said with a wink.

"You really are a sea turtle."

  "Hey, only Pyxis can call me-" SPLASH! Ankyr fell prey to Bonnet's Heavy Splatling.

"FOR ANKYR!" Rocky jumped up and flung his roller down before rolling toward Bonnet - and getting caught in a freshly thrown Splash Wall.

  "I love it when he does that," Tiger squeaked.

\/\/\/\/\/

"What took you so long? Why did you trade Ankyr for these randos?"

"Rocky," Caurel sighed. "They're the friends we were supposed to meet today, remember?"

"Oh..."

"Guys, this is Rocky, our squad's leader," Pyxis laughed.

  "Nice to meet you," Carina said, stepping forward to shake Rocky's hand. "Don't worry, my 'boyfriend' will be back soon."

  "'BOYFRIEND'?" The entire crowd turned their attention to the charismatic newcomer.

  "It's just an inside joke," Pyxis hastily assured them. "You'd just have to be there."

"Yeah, he kind of saved me a lot of hassle," Carina shrugged.

  "My Sunshine has inside jokes with people I don't know," Moises thought out loud. "Not sure how I feel about this..."

"Well, you know us now," Hans piped up. "She's Carina, I'm Hans, this here is Shera, and the rude guy is Cygnus."

"I haven't said anything rude yet!"

"We all know you will," Shera said as she scooched over to Abbey. "So, what's your name?"

"I'm aromantic," Abbey said between sips of coffee. Their friends howled with laughter in the background.

"Aw, that's too bad... Are you... asexual, too?"

"They're not sex-repulsed, if that's what you mean," Pyxis jumped in. "That's not what asexual means, though."

"Sweet little Pyxis," Cygnus chuckled, patting his friend on the head. "Always here to educate her friends."

"...You mean their friends," Rocky corrected.

  "What? No. You too? Are all Squids okay with the whole fluid-gender thing?"

"You didn't even last five minutes," Hans sighed, covering his face with his palm.

  "Look, she was born with lady-parts, am I wrong or am I right?"

"Here's what I know," Rocky began slowly, stepping closer to the Octoling and staring him in the eye. "This particular group of friends respects what people choose to call themselves. When you're with us, you refer to Pyxis as they/them. If you can't handle that, you can swim back home."

"ROCKY!" Caurel grabbed her brother's arm and yanked him down to sit beside her. "They're our guests!"

"And Pyxis is family," he bit back. "Which is more important to you?"

"Wow, they really worship you around here," Cygnus laughed, turning to leave. "Do they even really know you? Your history? What have you been telling them?"

"Cygnus, get back here and act your age," Carina commanded.

"No thanks, Your Majesty."

  The crowd was hushed for some time, the noises of the audience around them and the battle down below, permeating their silent space.

  "Sorry about that," Carina finally spoke up. "I told him to behave himself. But he's... how do you say... stuck in his ways."

"He's only twenty-two," Shera rolled her eyes. "He's just a stubborn pufferfish."

"You okay, honey?" Hans asked Pyxis, who was too busy processing their own thoughts to realize they should answer.

"...I'm family?"

\/\/\/\/\/

And now, here’s Shera going goo-goo over more Inklings

---

“Vanilla? Is that a brand, or...?"

"Oh no, I just mean, the original one."

"So... Vanilla means original?"

"The basic form of something, yes. Regular. It's just slang."

"Who's the person with the gatling?"

"Ah, that's Pixie with the Zink Mini Splatling. Disruptor and Bubbler."

"Pixie..." Shera turned to where Pyxis was seated. "PIXIE!"

  "Yes?"

"I can never call you Pixie again! That's the name of my new future wife!" Ecto and Thresher couldn't help but laugh.

"...Glad to hear it?"

"She's actually dating Ty right now," Tandy pointed out. "Sorry, you'll have to look elsewhere."

"Darn."

"Great Overseer," Carina sighed. "Why are you so thirsty today?"

"I dunno, Queenie," Shera shrugged and shook her head. "Look. I had no idea Squidlings could be so attractive, okay?"

"I mean, she's not wrong," Hans laughed. "The first time I saw Ankyr..."

"YOU CAN DO IT, GUYS!" Pyxis suddenly stood up and cheered as loud as they could.

\/\/\/\/\/

And now for some good parents! Specifically, Ecto’s dads. Well, one of them. The other is busy playing Pokémon with Caurel and co. in the living room at this moment. They haven’t been mentioned much so far, but they’re great friends with the Waters (Waters’? Waterss?) ever since all the families met, and Rocky and Caurel hang out with them a lot.

---

"That's because you can look back on the past, apply your knowledge of the present, and cook up a better future for yourself. A new happiness. Again, one that won't last forever. And maybe it's not perfect. Maybe you burn your tongue. Maybe you let it go cold without realizing. But there'll always be more soup."

"You just have an answer for everything, don't you?" Rocky scoffed, throwing more tomatoes into the pot.

  "Not quite. There's one thing I've always wondered."

"The secret of life?"

"Nah, figured that out in college."

"What? No. Shut up." The two shared a laugh. Mister Plasma reduced the burner's heat and placed a lid on the pot, before turning to Rocky.

  "Back when you were in Coral Reef's boat... Why didn't you say anything?"

  "Well..." Rocky took a moment to continue. "Figured there wasn't any point, I guess. Can't help it if the person you have a crush on is gay. Like, if Pop was het, you wouldn't have the love of your life."

"Well I'm glad that's not the case," he said with a short laugh, before frowning and patting Rocky on the head. "Sorry, hon."

"It's fine. That's one of those 'just move on' parts in life. So I did."

"Ah..."

"Happened with Ankyr, too. But that was back when we were super tiny. Like.. That's a different kind of love. Baby love, I guess. But then again, we thought Ankyr was a girl back then. That was easier to move on from."

  "You just can't catch a break," Dad laughed. "Anyone on your mind these days?" Rocky thought a while before answering.

"I... Not really. I don't know, Oji. Guess I'm kind of giving up for now. I just wanna cook and take care of the ocean. Those are my loves. Well, I'll never get tired of Turf War either. I guess... that's it."

"And that's A-okay," the adult Inkling nodded, before yelling "COME AND GET IT!" There was a multitude of shuffling sounds from the living room as the young adults made their way to the kitchen. "Come see us any time," he said again. "We'll always be here for you."

\/\/\/\/\/

And that’s all I have for you here today, I wanna stop myself before I give away more than I might have given away... But yeah, working on that slowly but surely now. I was already about halfway-ish done with the chapter before I fell off, I think? Depends if I think of adding any more scenes than what’s already planned. So, look forward to that soon! Catch you on the flip side~

P.S.: As a reminder, this is the second-to-last chapter I’m writing; after 10 is over, we’ll be moving on to the second book in the series, which will hopefully have much better pacing and will definitely be a lot different, but still be about the lives of Pyxis, Ankyr, and their loved ones - that will never change. Some of your favorite characters might not be around as much in book 2, some might get a spotlight where they hadn’t before, and of course we’ll meet lots of new friends, and you’ll just have to decide what you think of each of them. :3 But I hope you have fun. Regardless of anything, thanks for reading. If you’ve read any of Look Alive, Sunshine, you have my Heart Containers, and my eternal gratitude. Please let me know what you think, if you’ve got the time. Love & hugs!

#Splatoon #fanfic #excerpts #sneak peek #Look Alive Sunshine #mine #Pyxis Arcturus #Ankyr Moreta #True Lives #Turf War #Inkling #Octoling #writing talk

[rivetgoth]

I had this friend I met in the Hetalia fandom in like 8th-9th grade who was like, a lot older than me (I was like 12-13 when we met and she was like 17 or so), and we were REALLY close for a really long time, we'd talk and call every day and it got to a point where she was really dependent on me in this awful way where she would like constantly threaten suicide if I didn't answer her texts fast enough and shit like that. She was really rich cuz her dad was a doctor and one time she bought me an entire fucking Xbox One (I did not ask for it like... I'd always been a PlayStation gamer LOL) because she didn't have anyone to play Halo with her. My family still has it and uses it as a DVD player/Netflix machine.

Anyway the really batshit thing about this person (BESIDES the fact that she was like, definitely a pedophile who loved shota and frequently sexted me after she'd turned 18+ and I was like 14 and she also had both a bestiality and incest fetish that she'd talk to me about constantly — I was a kid I had no moral concept of anything and just liked being edgy and feeling mature) was that she was like. A chronic liar who constantly faked identities. And for years after cutting off contact with her I would look back and realize that she had faked even more than I had noticed at the time. The thing is, I knew for sure she wasn't lying about her home life -- Her address, what she looked like, her dad's profession, her age, her house, her pets, etc, were all things I had proof of. But when I knew her she was constantly remaking her Tumblr to escape drama she'd start, and she would constantly make side blogs under pseudonyms and pretend it wasn't her (sometimes it would be random shit like aesthetic blogs under different names or ask blogs for characters or smthn, other times it was like, callout blogs for people she had gotten into drama with where she would pretend to be someone else defending her). I assumed back then that I was always going to be in on it, because she would always tell me whenever she made one of these fake accounts, and sometimes she would encourage me to make a new account too as a sort of roleplay thing where we both pretended to be people we weren't... Until I learned that she wasn't always telling me. Every so often, I would become mutuals with a new account who would start messaging me about my interests and strike a conversation with me. Then something would slip and my "new mutual" would admit that they had actually been my friend all along... Which should have made me immediately cut contact because that's weird as shit, but I was young and she was a close friend, so I would just sorta accept it.

She ended up being like, horrifically transphobic. She got run off her blog twice for being specifically transmisogynistic, first insisting that she was allowed to headcanon canon trans women as feminine men and then on her next blog insisting that lesbians couldn't be attracted to trans women. I was still young and closeted and she was one of my closest friends and was constantly messaging me that the situation was making her suicidal and she was just wording things wrong and totally supported trans people and people just weren’t giving her the benefit of the doubt and she was still learning so I tried to just stay out of it without losing her. Then... I came out as trans lol. She stopped replying to me when I first came out and then made a bunch of vents on her tumblr about how much it upset her and about how “using he/him pronouns for AFAB people is triggering” for whatever fucking reason. She told me her “best IRL friend” who she had introduced me to once on Skype but who never logged in again after and who refused to ever do a group call or anything (definitely another fake account) said that it was irrational for me to expect my friends to respect my pronouns so soon after coming out and that I shouldn’t be upset if I get misgendered. Then she apologized but told me my name and pronouns would never fit me. As you can imagine, as a little baby trans kid who was closeted from my family and terrified of even having come to terms with being trans, I didn’t really have a great defense.

Soon she started being really woke like 2014 style Tumblr SJW to save face, she came out as nonbinary and told me in private it was because she felt bad when people called her cis during discourse (she absolutely wasn't nonbinary) and she coined a "new sexuality" that was "attraction only to people you perceive as feminine, regardless of how they identify" -- what this actually meant was "attraction to cis women and not trans women." She ran an aroace help blog despite not being aroace? And made a bunch of pride flags that I still see around sometimes to this day. She would start fights a lot and try to out-woke people and got into a bunch of drama with other SJW types of the day, got into a bunch of drama with TumblrInAction and Mogai-Watch and shit like that, and she claimed for a short while that she had a headmate (FWIW I totally believe DID is a legitimate thing but like. Trust me on this one.) who was transphobic and that it made her so sad, she told me that it was actually that headmate that had been transphobic before, and every so often her headmate would front out of nowhere and misgender me and use really abusive language like calling me a cunt or a bitch or whatever. She started making these "intersex nonbinary" OCs who she would constantly make porn of under the guise that they were representation for LGBT people who were just like, extremely fetishistic cuntboys and dickgirls (they were “intersex” to explain why they could be “girls with natal penises” or “boys with natal vaginas”).

At that same time, she somehow always managed to have these random, very sporadically active trans women mutuals who were apparently amazing friends of hers, who shared some interests with her but also would defend her when people brought up her past, with these long-winded “Well, I’m a trans woman and I think what she said is perfectly justified and everyone makes mistakes and she’s always been a good ally!!” Then one day some trans woman received an ask from her account where she claimed to be a “black trans woman” (she was, of course, a white cis woman) and she freaked out and claimed she had “been hacked by TiA or 4Chan to make her look bad” — I realize now she had just been sending anon messages pretending to be things she wasn’t and forgot to hit anon LOL. Late in all of this she also got into a bunch of hot water for being really antisemitic and saying she didn’t trust Jewish people because they were just like Christians and like, 5 seconds later she came out as Jewish and wrote this whole long sad vent about how she had had internalized antisemitism and then started going by a random Hebrew name LMAO.

In the end the final breaking point was when I found her secret TERF blog, where she had been making posts for months about how trans men are just insecure women who are trying to escape misogyny by stepping on the backs of “fellow women” and using me as a fucking example, and also saying that me not coming out as a trans man had been “basically rape” since she had been SEXTING me when she was 18+ and I was 13-14+ and that it was traumatic to know someone she had trusted was secretly identifying as a man LMAO. She was also obviously saying all sorts of transmisogynistic things, but also had these really bizarre fetish posts about wanting trans women to fuck her...? I confronted her about it and she literally fucking out of nowhere told me that she was in the emergency room with a mysterious illness that might kill her and she was allowed to have her phone but due to privacy laws couldn’t send a picture as proof. While “in the hospital” she deleted the TERF blog and her personal blog. I had known her for literal YEARS at this point (we had met when I was 12-13 or so and by the time we no longer spoke I was a few months from 17), and I was completely stunned to fucking hear this person trying to pull “I’m in the hospital with a deadly disease” at being confronted for some shit like that LMAO. I made a post about it on my public and another “trans woman friend” of hers logged in to vehemently defend her by saying that there’s nothing wrong with AFAB women being untrusting of trans people because female oppression is uniquely traumatic and that there’s nothing wrong with women expressing their sexuality by sexting minors as long as the minor consents and that I was the real predator for “hiding that I was a man” (remember, I’d been a 13 year old closeted trans boy), before never logging in again... 😭 One of the last times we ever talked was when she demanded I refund her for the fucking Xbox and I refused.

Anyway, the long-term aftermath of that is that a few people online (in some random cringe areas of the internet) who archived some of her antics still think that I also wasn’t a real person, since they caught onto how much she lied about too, so they think I was also a sock puppet and I have no interest in clarifying and making myself known to those people LOL. I have no fucking idea where she is now, she deactivated everything after her being a TERF came out. There’s like, so much more to that I could say because I knew her for YEARS and, like I said, she was one of my “closest friends.” Her parents had wildly expensive pure bred designer dogs that she would make Vines of. She wrote Beatles real person fan fiction. For her birthday one year I made her a shirt on Zazzle with an inside joke about one of her OCs... does she still have that? Either way, she was easily the most batshit person I’ve ever known closely online and I will forever associate the Hetalia fandom with people like that.

[complexptsdgirl]

I don’t write a lot. It’s kind of how I am. Just not into the whole keeping up with my posts kind of person. I keep it natural and write when I need to vent.

So, I have been doing so good! I’ve been working really hard on myself and my meds also kicked in, so I’ve been happy. Unfortunately I may have a backwards step. My uncle died today. Heavy shit. So, my brain is all over the place. My aunt called me this morning to tell me that he passed. He had been sick for a while from multiple things. He had cancers and heart attacks. He was only in his early 60s I believe.

I feel guilty for crying or grieving because I didn’t really like him or at least found him incredibly toxic. He was kind of a jerk. He was pretty aggressive with his son growing up, had been to jail for abusing my aunt like 30+ years ago, harassed me about my weight when I was pregnant etc…. However, I love my aunt so much. She’s my mother’s blood sister. She’s been more like a mom to me than my mom. (Always rooting for me, giving me great advice and honest opinions, being there for me for all of my big events in life, etc… when my grandma; my mom’s mom died (who I was close to) died, my mom stopped letting me see my aunt i & uncle. Some stupid disagreement or whatever and like always, my mom cut all ties with her. Which honestly made me sad, because she was an escape for me as a child growing up in a sexually and physically abusive home. When my mom was out of my life at about 15 or so years old, maybe older, I sought out my aunt and cousins. I wanted family I felt safe around again.

Sooooooo, that’s the short of all of the back story. It all makes me sad. My aunt is lost, because they were married for 33 years. So, I worry about her. Invasive memories are also popping in my head, so I think death probably triggers PTSD, so hooray! Lol

Selfishly, I’m scared of my mom showing up to the funeral services. I would have such a physics and shaky response if I saw her. Anytime I’ve even saw a Facebook message from her, I shake like a leaf. I need to be there for my aunt and cousin, so I will bring my husband with me as moral support while my in-laws watch my children.

So, stay tuned to watch how I unravel again…. JK I’ll totally be fine. I’m a tough bitch.

#living with ptsd #mental health #healing #loss #living with cptsd #cptsdawareness #personal diary

[xxiaotiqinn]

Save Me (OT7)

Requested by michelle on Quotev <3 

a/n: so this is my first time posting something on here; I typically write on Quotev lol. I really hope you’ll enjoy it :)

Pairing: OT7 x hybrid!OC

Genre: mafia!BTS, fluff, hybrid!au

Word Count: 2.5k ish 

Summary: Bangtan Sonyeondan, the toughest mafia in South Korea. Ruthless, skilled, and emotionless. That is, until a hybrid changes their view of life completely.

Bangtan

The seven men were in the shadows, watching, waiting. One on the roof, sniper at the ready. Four on the ground, knives or pistols cleverly concealed within sleeves. One in a tree, fiddling with his earring as he carefully observed, waiting for the signal.

The last stood boldly on the docks, lamplight glistening on his silvery hair. The waves gently lapped against the soaked wood. A small smirk played on his lips as he glanced at his watch.

23:59:55

23:59:56

23:59:57

23:59:58

23:59:59

00:00:00

Another man appeared. The first looked up in mild surprise. “Didn’t think you would show up, Moore.” His tone was smooth and charismatic, and he spoke in English.

The other scoffed, stepping forwards. He eyed the Korean in front of him. “Don’t play nice, Kim. Where’s the package?”

The first—Kim—remained where he stood. “Moore, we made a deal. Give her to us first.”

Sighing, Moore raised three fingers, and two men came out from one of the ships with someone between them. She cried out when they threw her on the ground.

A soft gasp could be heard from the roof, so soft that only the ones on the ground below him could hear it. One of the men in the shadows tightened his grip on his knife, his knuckles turning white. Oh, how he longed to sink his blade into Moore’s throat. But that could wait. Yes. That could wait.

“Now the package.”

Kim sighed heavily and handed Moore the box. “There’s a lot in there. Be careful.” He tapped his ear twice, and the man on the roof lowered his sniper. “Let’s go.”

At the signal of Kim, one man stepped forwards, taking the girl in his arms.

Moore’s men raised their eyebrows or widened their eyes in surprise as five others slithered out of the dark corners, following Kim out.

Min Yoongi didn’t like to show that he cared. He didn’t like to show that he worried. In fact, he didn’t like to show anything at all. So when he returned back to base with two bullet wounds and a young girl protectively clutched in his arms, you could imagine the others’ surprise.

Yoongi was very good at what he did. He was an assassin, and one of the best at that. He could lie for hours on a rooftop, waiting for the perfect shot. His fingers would grow cold around his weapon and his leg would fall asleep, but his victim would always be dead in the end.

His mission was to take out the ‘illegal experiment’ that a scientist had created. But when he finally caught a glimpse of the beautiful girl with black silky ears and tail and dark, sorrowful eyes, his fingers refused to pull the trigger. He had lain there, shaking with internal struggle.

She was his mission.

But she looked so sad.

He had to obey his orders.

But had she ever seen the light of day?

Yoongi had finally thrown down his sniper and slipped through an open window. He ran down the hallway. A guard fired at him, his leg taking the bullet. Yoongi gritted his teeth and dived for the open door, grabbed the protesting girl, and emerged with only another shot on the same leg.

Namjoon hadn’t been very happy at first. While Yoongi’s wounds were tended to by Taehyung, Namjoon had lectured Yoongi for a solid thirty minutes.

Yoongi still didn’t really know why he did what he did. But all he knew was that none of them regretted it in the end.

Aera POV

Three months ago

I cracked my eyelids open, groaning softly. My limbs hurt all over. Where was I?

I looked around. I was in a plain white room, a pair of medical gloves thrown carelessly on the table beside me. My ears pressed against my head as I hissed softly, the strange atmosphere making me distressed.

”Ahh, you’re awake.” A young man walked in, smiling gently at me. “How are you feeling?” Everything about him felt soft and clean, his eyes crinkling pleasantly as he smiled. He smelled like vanilla.

“Who are you?” I asked quietly.

“Jimin. And you are?” He pulled on the gloves and gestured to me. “May I?”

I bit my lip, tensing up but allowing him to carefully examine me. “I-I’m Experiment 309.”

Jimin frowned, looking at me in kind sympathy. “They didn’t give you a name, did they?” When I shook my head, he smiled again. “I’ll call you...Aera. It means love, you know.”

I didn’t feel particularly loving or loved, but I nodded again.

”You seem to be pretty healthy,” Jimin continued, carding his fingers through my hair and peeking into my ears. I hissed when his fingers caught on a tangle. Noticing, he pulled a comb from a drawer and combed my hair until it was smooth.

Despite myself, I began to purr quietly, relaxing and slumping forwards. He giggled from somewhere above me, brushing away my baby hairs from my face.

“I’ll go get the others,” he finally said, breaking the silence. “Stay here, Aera.”

Six other boys filed in behind Jimin ten minutes later, talking amongst themselves. I recognized the scent of the one who had rescued me; the short, pale one in the back with feline features to rival my own.

“So. Experiment 309.” One finally spoke. He was breathtakingly intimidating, tall and unbothered.

“Aera,” Jimin cut in, glaring at his hyung. “Her name is Aera.”

The youngest smiled discreetly at his toes, bright teeth appearing in a cheeky grin.

I eyed all of them carefully. “Yes?”

”You...aren’t supposed to be here. In fact, you should be dead.” The first man glared at my savior, who looked coldly back. “But, now that you’re here, you can’t leave us. Welcome to Bangtan Sonyeondan, Aera.”

A few of them looked at him in surprise. He shook them away. “I’m Kim Namjoon. Seokjin here—“ he motioned to a stunning man with broad shoulders—“will give you the guidelines on how everything works. Break rules and we will not hesitate to kill you. Is that clear?”

Shaking slightly, I nodded silently. “Yes, sir.”

“Good.” Namjoon clapped Seokjin on the back. “I trust you all will get to know each other soon enough.”

Jungkook POV

Present day

“Noona,” I said softly, peeking into Aera’s room. She looked up, a bright smile gracing her features.

“Hi Kook.” I joined her on the bed and stuck one of her earbuds in my own ear. I grinned when I heard Yoongi’s piano track playing. Aera had been with us for about a month now, and we had all grown much closer.

Although we might be a tough mafia, most of us were gentle and quiet on the inside. Taehyung and I loved photography and art, Namjoon adored nature and museums, and Seokjin loved cooking. Jimin and Hoseok spent a lot of their time dancing, perfecting their moves, while Yoongi’s best friend was his piano.

Aera spent a lot of time with us, practicing in the shooting range with Yoongi or wrestling with me. She had definitely grown stronger both physically and mentally in the past few weeks.

Namjoon had wanted to make sure she could fend for herself, and the others agreed. But all of us liked it most when we cuddled in a heap, playing with Aera’s hair and smoothing her tail.

I had to admit that I was starting to fall in love with the cat hybrid. And perhaps the hyungs were too. I had seen, in a split second as the tv screen flashed across the dark room, the look in Yoongi’s eyes. A moment of longing and tenderness in his dark, stoic face before his eyes clouded with a cranky scowl, batting Tae away.

Aera’s soft purring pulled me from my thoughts. I looked down, smiling fondly as she picked at a thread on my shirt, her head against my shoulder. “Jungkookie,” she said cutely, looking up at me with innocent eyes. “You’re really warm.”

My heart fluttered. “Thanks noona.”

The door opened and Taehyung came in, strapping long knives to his legs and arms. “Come on, Kook. Hyung’s got another shipment in.” He smiled at Aera, his mouth in a big boxy shape.

I sighed heavily, not wanting to leave the safe, happy bubble that was Aera’s room. “I’m coming, hyung.”

Aera watched the both of us, worry swirling in her onyx eyes. “Be careful,” she said, standing up to hug Tae. He patted her head gently, dropping a peck on her cheek.

“We’ll be back in a minute, Aera,” he reassured her.

She nodded, turning to me. I reddened when her lips brushed my cheek for a brief moment. “Don’t be reckless, Jungkook,” she reminded me gently.

Aera followed us downstairs, hugging each of the hyungs tightly. Yoongi grumbled under his breath, his cheeks a rosy pink as Aera kissed his cheek and embraced him. Namjoon and Jin exchanged a teasing smile.

“Don’t lose your temper too easily, Jimin,” Aera told him. He grinned and placed his hands on her shoulders.

“Since when have I ever done that?” Jimin teased, but he blew a kiss to the girl on his way out the door.

I lingered for a moment at the door, turning back to look at Aera. She smiled comfortingly and waved. I returned the gesture before finally following the others out the door.

Yoongi POV

We headed back home, talking amongst ourselves. We had successfully delivered the shipment of drugs to our client unscathed, except for Jungkook, who had received a slash from a knife.

“We’re home!” Hoseok called, but there was no Aera waiting by the door. The house suddenly seemed dark and foreboding as we entered.

“Aera?” Jimin yelled, looking around.

“I’ll check upstairs,” I said, glaring at Jungkook. “You stay put.” I bounded up the marble staircase and burst into Aera’s room, expecting a slumbering girl.

I choked, my heart stopping when I saw the rumpled covers, torn curtains, and smashed picture frames. My breath caught in my throat as I bent to pick one of the frames up. It was a photo from the day that we took Aera to the beaches. We were all ruffled by the ocean breeze and dripping with saltwater, but huge smiles were plastered on our faces. Aera was in the middle, with Jin’s and Taehyung’s arms around her waist.

Emotion rarely got the better of me. But I felt a choking, swelling feeling in the back of my throat. My eyes and nose stung with a strange numbness, and a drop of water speckled the broken glass.

I was crying.

The great assassin Min Yoongi, emotionless, quiet, deadly, strong. Crying like his heart would break.

I stood there for a long time, tears streaming down my face in an endless torrent. Aera, sweet Aera, love.

I loved her. Yes. I’d finally come to realize that.

And I’d be damned if I didn’t do everything in my power to get her back.

Three days later

“Hyung!” Taehyung bounded up the stairs and into my room. I looked up from the piano, my fingers halting in their mournful melody. Biting my lip, I shut the piano and let my hands fall to my sides.

“Yes, Tae?”

He frowned, sitting next to me on the piano bench and placing a gentle hand on my shoulder. “Hyung, you-you look terrible.”

He was right, I thought, looking at my reflection on the shiny piano lid. My eyes drooped with exhaustion, I hadn’t brushed my hair in the past three days. An overall look of shabbiness and hopelessness. “I miss her,” I whispered with the tiniest sigh.

Taehyung shook me slightly. “Come on, Yoongi-hyung, Namjoon-hyung has something to show us.”

I reluctantly followed my dongsaeng downstairs to the meeting room. Namjoon and the others were sitting in a circle around the table, Jin’s arms filled with papers. Hoseok was furiously typing away at his laptop.

“There you are, hyung.” Namjoon sent me a smile that I tried to return. “We have a lead on Aera.”

I felt as if I had been dosed with cold water. “W-What?”

“We found her. Another mafia got her. American.” Hoseok spat out the last word as if it was a curse. “We contacted them. They want drugs from us before we can get her back.”

I balled my fists. “Let’s get her then. What are we waiting for?”

“We have to steal some from the dealer in Busan.” Jimin high-fived Jungkook. “That’s where we’re coming in handy. Let’s just say we’re basically locals in that area. We’ll be able to walk in and out with no suspicion.”

“Let’s get it!” Jungkook cheered, springing to his feet.

Jimin POV

“SHIT!!” Jungkook screamed, diving to the ground just seconds before the grenade went off. I cursed under my breath as well, grabbing the younger’s hand and tugging him to his feet.

“Let’s get the hell outta here,” I growled, shoving the package into my large pocket. Jungkook hurled a knife through the air, successfully hitting his target. The man spluttered, clutching his stomach as he fell to his knees.

We had managed to sneak into the shady store, and I had tried my best to distract the female at the counter. I had bent over the counter, biting my lip as I stared at her through hooded eyes. Jungkook had extracted the package from underneath another box, and had just made it out the door when she saw him, slamming an alarm under the counter.

Jungkook and I had to flee, pursued by guards. We had tried our best to shoot them while running, but one of them had thrown a grenade.

Taehyung was waiting with a car at the entrance of the alley, and we leapt in. “Go go go!!” I screamed, opening the window and shooting one more man between the eyes. There was a spray of blood as he fell on his back.

There was silence in the car before we all burst out laughing. “We did it, hyung,” Jungkook said breathlessly, grinning at us.

Two days later

We showered Aera with kisses and hugs the second she was with us. “We were so worried,” I told her, grasping her small, bruised hand in mine. “Yoongi-hyung cried a lot.”

Yoongi’s cheeks turned a bright red as Aera turned to him in surprise. “I-I wasn’t. I mean, I was, but I was just-“ he was cut off when Aera flew at him, throwing her arms around him and kissing him. He responded with passion, cupping her face in his hands and kissing her back.

She finally pulled away, running to Namjoon and kissing him next. Aera embraced each of us, finally coming to me.

“Gonna give me a kiss, baby girl?” I asked. She grinned and reached for me, pressing her soft lips on mine. I smirked, placing my hands on her waist. “I love you.”

“Love you all,” she mumbled, burying her face in my chest.

“My turn,” Taehyung whined, and we all laughed.

#bts oneshot #j-hope #rm #suga #jin #jimin #jungkook #v #taehyung #jeongguk #bts fluff #bts ot7 #yoongi #hoseok #namjoon #seokjin #imagines #oneshot #bts x oc #bts fanfiction #mafia!bts #hybrid!oc #cat hybrid #bangtan boys #bts imagines #jimin x oc #yoongi x oc #idk man I’m tired #lmao i tried #tae

[purplesurveys]

743

Name something that you saw within the past week that made you smile: A local celebrity posted the very first photo of her newborn on her Instagram and tbh it was something we’ve all just been lowkey waiting for because that couple is super attractive and stylish and we’ve always wanted to see how the kid would look like. Simply put, the baby is the cutest ever and she’s so pretty and gah she just looks like such an angel. Name something within the past week that made you frown: There’s been a lot of upsetting stuff on the news, but the worst has been when policemen shot a man that they thought was going to pull out a gun. Turned out that said man was 1) pulling out a water bottle and 2) a former soldier suffering from PTSD and the standoff was actually greatly upsetting him. Welcome to the Philippines where the police are still hellbent on using their guns in the middle of a public health crisis. Name somebody who you wish would cut you a break sometimes: My mom always has something to criticize about me. Name somebody you know who deserves a better life than they have: Andrew. I don’t want to share their life story on here but suffice it to say it’s been a lot and it’s been rough, and they deserve a goddamn break. Name something you own that has high sentimental value: Probably the tickets to the first museum Gabie and I went to together, six years ago. Museum dates have long been my dream date and that was one amazing day, so I'm really glad I made the decision to keep it.

Name something that you hope is different by this time next year: Obviously the virus being gone but also the terms that are in place for now because of it, like halting foreign travel or not being able to go to the mall. Name something that you're good at but don't like: Arguing or confrontation. I can come up with good arguments and I pride myself on being able to speak well whether publicly or not; and in fact my parents have always asked me why I never took up debate or if I have any interest in pursuing law – but I actually hate it. I hate the ever-looming possibility of suddenly not knowing how to respond or rebut; plus the very nature of two clashing sides simply stresses me out. Name something that you're bad at but DO like: Singing, at least when I’m alone in my car. Also baking! I find it really fun but I always have to bake with someone who’s more experienced than I am. Name something that you like about the person you argue most with: She’s very organized and can make anything clean and spotless no matter how dirty and stained they’ve gotten. Name something that you strongly believe in: That the world will eventually be a lot kinder to LGBT couples with families. I have to believe in it; I want the world to be gentle to my kids. One day at a time, folks. Name something was funny to you but not to anybody else: Idk man, if it isn’t funny to anyone else it’s probably offensive. Name somebody who has tried to help you and ended up hurting you: My mom’s love languages seem to be criticism and a lot of tough love. Long story short, they are not mine. Name something that you had to learn the hard way: No matter how nice you are to everyone, there’ll always be people who will remain extremely cold and shitty for absolutely no reason and you can’t blame or be upset with them if that’s just the way they are. I learned this in PE class when I forgot to follow a certain instruction and I personally went to the coach to apologize, but she literally turned her back on me and completely ignored me. I wasn’t used to such a treatment so I vented to Angela about it after and told her how unfair I felt it was, but I understood it after she told me that no matter how much Catholic school (and common sense, tbh) taught us to have good manners and greet everyone we see and be nice and polite, none of that shit will always matter in the real world, when we get thrown in the mix with people who now come from different, sometimes rougher backgrounds. Name a date that has a lot of significance to you: March 16. It’s the birthday we made up for Kimi. Name something that you didn't like when you were younger but like now: Chicken curry. I found the flavor too strong when I was a kid, but I had no idea Indian food was gonna end up being my favorite cuisine when I got older lol. Name something that you liked when you were younger but don't like now: I’d say Spongebob? To this day I’ll still only watch the episodes I grew up seeing but I can’t bother with the newer seasons. The way they are drawn is too different and unfamiliar, the humor isn’t the same anymore, and they’ve introduced so many third-party characters it’s hard to keep track. I’ll always give it a lot of credit for being a very important part of my childhood though. Name something in your life that was a blessing in disguise: Deciding to skip out on joining my current org in freshie year. I joined the year after and the batch I turned out to be a part of was the biggest applicant batch for the org in recent memory, and all my closest friends in college have been from that batch, like JM, Laurice, Aya, Jo, Kate, Jum, and Hannah. Name something that you've done that would be considered rebellious: I didn’t submit a single final project for home economics in 6th grade. That year’s home ec was focused on embroidery, sewing, and crocheting and I just didn’t give a shit about all three back then. I still have no clue how I left that class with a mark of 91. Name something that you wish you never found out: If it’s something I wish I never found out it means it greatly upset me, and I don’t wanna go racking my brain for stuff that greatly upset or triggered me. Name something that you dislike about the majority of girls: Not majority anymore but some girls will still have the let’s-pit-these-two-women-against-each-other mindset and it’s just so old now. Name something you like about the majority of guys: I don’t think there’s one. Name something you wish you had enough money to do: Keep traveling, durrrr. Name something that you wish you could say to somebody: I had very high expectations for you as a prof but your response to the virus re: online classes has been disappointing to say the least. To think we all thought you cared for students’ welfare. Name something that you wish somebody would say to you: That they were gonna come over to my place in a bit. Name something that you wish you had the ability to fix: I wish I had enough money to go ahead and fix the stuff that that piece of shit Jeff Bezos and other selfish billionaires are too lazy to fix, like ending world hunger or providing clean water. I’m feeling so strongly about that now after seeing this amazing infograph someone made about just how much money he has. Name something "bad" you've done on purpose to somebody else: I was feeling petty on the first Sunday that my mom made our entire family sit around her phone to watch a livestream of a mass, so before it started I made sure I had Netflix (which HOOOOOGS bandwidth) turned on both my laptop and phone. The stream ended up being shitty and skipped a lot of parts of the mass. Definitely wasn’t the best daughter that day and even I was surprised at whatever came over me for me to do something that mischievous. I never did it again lmao. Name something you could never forgive a person for: If they abused their pet. Name something you're lucky to have: My dog.

#survey #surveys

[joe-mazzello-archive]

Agape - Chapter Five

A Joe Mazzello x Fem!Reader fic

Rating: 18+

Chapter Five

Warnings: Language, Jealousy? (idk if that can be a trigger?) Word Count: 2289 A/N: Lol remember that time I said I was going to take a break? Shoutout to work being slow again. And just like that we’re halfway through. I’m really excited to get into the second half of this series. It gets more fun :) Tag list is open!

-

The shoot was pretty easy after that. Most of the other scenes that were left were much lighter and weren’t a huge toll on you emotionally.

You and Joe continued to spend every second you could together. You knew it wasn’t a good idea. In fact it was an awful idea. It made you pine for him even more.

But you convinced yourself that if you just made it through the shoot and got back to LA, your infatuation with him would fade away. And by the time you would be starting the press tour, he wouldn’t even be in your thoughts anymore.

You really hoped that was the case.

You often debated making a move; getting flirtier and seeing what happened. Part of you worried he wouldn’t feel the same and you didn’t want to deal with the rejection and awkwardness. But you knew what would come of it even if he did reciprocate. It was the same thing that had happened every time you dated a co-star. You would attempt to keep your relationship a secret for some time, but eventually the tabloids would pick it up. They would call you out for dating yet another co-star and predict that the relationship would be short-lived. Then a few months later while you’re working on another project, he would call you and decide that it’s best you go back to being friends. And then you would never speak again and he would become another entry on a Buzzfeed listicle about all the men you’ve dated in your career.

And the thought of that happening with Joe broke your heart. You cared about him too much to drag him through that and eventually lose him as a friend.

So you compartmentalized. You focused on the fun you were having making the movie and exploring the city. You blocked out how attracted you were to the man and tried to focus on how much you were enjoying just spending time with him.

Time flew by and before you knew it, it was the last week of filming. You personally only had two scenes left to film before you were wrapped: a scene where Joe’s character Desmond and Desmond’s girlfriend Talia meet Leah’s character Eliza, and the final scene. It was pretty rare to be filming the final scene of a movie last as most of the time you shoot pretty out of order. But Julia had insisted for it to be shot last so that you and Joe had time to bond and create chemistry.

Well, her plan definitely worked.

On the day you were filming the scene with Desmond and Talia, you found yourself in the makeup trailer with Leah and Joe. The two of them were already made up and in costume, but your hair stylist was still working on your hair. The three of you were goofing off about something that had happened last week when the actress playing Talia, Briana, walked in.

You took in Briana’s appearance. She was a stick-thin blonde with piercing green eyes. You had overheard someone say that this was her first acting job and that she had been a model previously. You didn’t know her well; you had met during the table read and later had invited her to your meatball dinner, but she wasn’t able to make it. You hadn’t had any other scenes with her, so you hadn’t seen her since the table read.

“Hey, Bri!” Joe called. He made her way over to her and the two exchanged a hug. You felt your cheeks get hot.

“Joey!” she replied. You eyebrows shot up in confusion and disbelief. Joey? Bri?

Joe proceeded to introduce Briana to you, keeping his hand on the small of her back.

“Obviously I know her, Joey. I’m a huge fan! And we have met, actually,” Briana responded.

“Yeah, we met briefly at the table read but we haven’t seen each other since, good to see you!” you said.

“And this is Leah, she plays Eliza,” Joe added. Leah stood up and shook Briana’s hand.

“Yeah I’ve--”

“Nice to meet you,” Leah said, cutting Briana off. You noticed Leah blushed as she shook Briana’s hand.

The four of you made idle chit-chat about the shoot and the scene before your stylist finished with your hair. You all made your way over to the restaurant set, greeting several of the extras once you arrived. Julia appeared, assistant director in tow, and gave quick directions to the background actors while the four of you took your places at your table. Julia eventually made her way over to you and proceeded to let you know that they probably wouldn’t be ready to start for another twenty minutes

Julia walked away, and as if on cue, all four of you pulled out your phones.

“Oh Joey, you have to show me that video you were talking about!” Briana suddenly said after a few minutes.

“Oh right! The banana bread one. Let me pull it up,” Joe replied, tapping away at his phone. You felt your cheeks get hot again. You had shown Joe that video a few weeks back and the two of you had been quoting in non-stop since. You felt a twinge of jealousy creep in. That was an inside joke you had with Joe. And now he’s sharing it with Briana?

You suddenly realized how ridiculous that was. You didn’t have a claim over a dumb internet video. Joe had every right to show that video to whoever he wanted to.

You heard the familiar audio of the video play while Joe and Briana giggled.

You felt Leah nudge you. You turned to look at her, only to see her holding out her phone for you. You looked at the screen and saw her notepad app.

Girl, you are literally staring daggers at the two of them. You okay?

You felt yourself blush. Shit. You hadn’t even realized you were staring at them. You took the phone from her and typed a response.

Yeah, I’m good. I was just zoning out.

You handed the phone back to her and went about busying yourself with your own phone. You started scrolling through social media, something you hadn’t done in a few days. You had been so focused on the shoot and hanging with Joe that you hadn’t had time to check them.

You were scrolling through Instagram when a picture on your feed caught your eye.

joe_mazzello: Thrilled to have had the opportunity to work with the lovely @brianaausten on this shoot! #agapemovie

The caption was under a photo of Joe and Briana hugging outside of Joe’s trailer. The photo had been posted the day before.

Your stomach churned unpleasantly and your cheeks turned red once again. You tapped Joe’s instagram profile and did a quick scan, hoping to find that he had posted a picture with you at some point that you had missed.

But there was no such picture.

Before you could do anything else, Julia’s voice rang out.

“Okay gang, I think we’re ready to do this!”

Shooting finally began on the scene. The scene itself was a double date between Desmond, Talia, Eliza, and Ruby. Desmond had been with Talia for almost a year and Ruby had just started seeing Eliza and wanted to introduce her to her best friend Desmond. The scene was a lot of back and forth dialogue, with some tension between Ruby and Desmond; Desmond quickly learns he is not a fan of Eliza while Ruby has never been a big Talia fan.

Luckily, the tension came easy to you, as you had realized you weren’t the biggest Briana fan.

You and the others worked through the scene, pausing occasionally for some direction from Julia. As time went on, you found yourself forgetting your lines, something you rarely did. As Briana nailed all of her lines over and over again, with praise from Julia, you began to get frustrated.

You never did this. You had always prided yourself on being extremely professional and never forgetting your lines. But your jealousy was kicking your butt. You felt like you were letting everyone down, and the more you messed up, the more frustrated you became.

After a few hours, a production assistant called out for a thirty-minute break. You sighed with relief. You needed to calm down or you were going to lose it. As soon as you were dismissed, you took off to your trailer.

Once you were inside and had shut the door behind you, you slumped onto the couch.

You took a deep breath and attempted to center yourself. You decided it would be a good idea to meditate. You began to work on your breathing when there was a knock at the door with a female voice calling your name from the other side.

“Are you in there?” Leah asked. You sighed and got up to let her in. She shut the door behind her and followed you to the couch.

“Okay, what’s up?” she asked pointedly.

“I’m just having an off day,” you replied, refusing to make eye contact with her.

“Bullshit. Something must have happened. You were all laughs this morning and then suddenly you had a miserable look on your face and start forgetting your lines,” Leah countered.

You finally looked at her. She could see right through you. Might as well tell the truth.

“Fine. I’ll tell you,” you finally said before taking a deep breath. “I’m completely head over heels for Joe and seeing him all buddy-buddy with Briana freaked me out. And I hate that I’m acting this way and it’s causing me to overthink everything and constantly compare myself to her,” you blurt out.

Leah stared at you for a moment before a huge smile spread across her face.

“I knew it! I knew you had a thing for him!” she said, pointing right at you. Your head fell back against the couch as you sighed.

“I’ve got it bad, Leah.”

“So do something about it!” she replied.

“I can’t.”

You then explained your worries and anxieties. You talked about all of your past relationships with co-stars and the ups and downs of those relationships.

“...and I can’t let that happen with Joe. I care about him too much to lose him. If he doesn’t feel the same way, I’ll lose him as a friend. If he does feel the same way and we try to make it work, it will fail and I’ll lose him that way instead.” Leah nodded as you spoke. She paused and thought about what you said before continuing.

“Have you ever thought that it might be different with Joe?” she finally asked.

“Yeah, I entertained the thought. But I don’t know if it’s worth it to take that chance,” you answered.

“Well I can tell you right now that there is nothing going on between Joe and Briana,” Leah said, crossing her arms.

“What makes you so sure?” you asked. She looked down, blushing.

“Because there’s something going on between me and Briana.” Suddenly you remembered their interaction in the makeup trailer. A huge grin spread across your face.

“No shit! Since when?” you asked, lightly tapping her on the shoulder.

“Since the table read. We got drinks after and have been seeing each other since. She’s not out publicly yet, so we’ve been keeping it on the down low,” Leah answered.

“Well I won’t say anything. And I’m happy for you! She’s gorgeous,” you said.

“I know,” Leah replied, a huge smile on her face.

The two of you chatted for the rest of your break, swapping stories about Briana and Joe. You found the conversation extremely cathartic for multiple reasons. Firstly, you now knew that you had no reason to be jealous of Briana’s relationship with Joe. And secondly, you had finally talked to someone about the feelings you had been dealing with for weeks. Getting it out felt therapeutic, and by the time the two of you headed back to the set, you felt relaxed and ready to nail the scene.

The rest of the day went by smoothly. You no longer were in your head and your lines came easily to you. Between takes, you found yourself happily conversing with Joe, Briana, and Leah. The four of you cracked jokes and casually chatted, making the rest of the shoot way more enjoyable.

Eventually Julia called wrap for the day and the four of you all made your way back towards the trailers. You all came to a stop in front of your trailer.

“Well I think we’re going to go get some dinner. You guys in?” Leah asked. She looked right at you and shook her head, and you immediately understood: she wasn’t actually inviting you.

“I’d be down for some dinner,” Joe answered, unaware of the situation. You made eye contact with Leah and she shook her head again. You nodded, understanding her code.

“Actually Joe, I think one of the PAs said they needed the two of us for something,” you lied, looking right at Leah, who smiled in response.

“Well then I guess it’s you and me, Briana,” Leah immediately said, jumping on the opportunity.

“Sounds good to me!” Briana replied. The pair took off before Joe could even protest. You entered your trailer, Joe trailing behind.

“What do they need us for?” Joe asked, shutting the door behind him.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” you said, grabbing your purse and keys. “Want to go get drinks?” Joe paused to process what had just happened, but decided not to argue as he followed you back out of the trailer and towards the parking lot.

#joe mazzello x reader #joe mazzello x you #joe mazzello imagine #joe mazzello fic #joe mazzello fanfic #joe mazzello #joemazzmatazz

[modern-oedipus]

Total rant that may trigger tpn fans, also spoilers

Oh god, the new chapter.

It does look action packed but I’m almost sure we are fooled again and everyone will be just fine. Emma being Emma and saying “Let’s go to Grace Field”, like, I know they eventually would but the same repetition over and over is getting too sour and making me bored. I bet everyone will be saved flawlessly and it’ll be all happy dovey. Also, Noremma scenes, b r o I just dooooooon’t like that ship, like, I’m not obligated to like that ship, I love Emma & Norman as characters but seriously, this is yet another lame thing, but like; since TPN getting very lame plot wise, I don’t think it’ll be a big surprise if they end up together, since that’s lame and predicted as well and hence quite suitable to the plots after goldy pond arc.

There ARE scenes I loved though, such as appearances of other characters like oliver, lambda gang, everyone in shelter, Don, Gilda etc.; a crowd kept chapter dynamic and drawings were good. Also the way they make the story flow in drawings & their plot line is good. It’s the plot itself that’s very disappointing, but Demizu did best she could to draw whaever she was supposed to; and she’s good, I don’t think Shirai is a bad writer either, I really don’t think, so maybe there are outside forces that makes the story have a stupid turn like it happened back in when Bleach was rushed to end (absurdly) by shonen jump? Maybe they are worried that now that they have a community it would not sell if they made big plot changes? I can understand, they make MONEY from tpn after all, they must have been seeing many more parameters; but like, why... I really, really don’t like the story and the chapters anymore, and it’s making me sad. I want to love them, I want to love TPN again, but all these gross Emma scenes that are based on zero logic pure author-favors-protagonist mood are just... killing my vibe so much... I can’t even take this show seriously anymore. How many times did the chapters end in a cliffhanger for nothing to happen later? Like, The Queen rised behind norman as a cliffhanger, then, it was Cislo who got his leg cut off, and then Queen died, so no danger. We panicked seeing everyone in shelter were lost but in the end they were brought to Grace Field, which means they all will probably be saved and we are just FAKED into an excitement again, no real issue going on. Even Norman’s breakdown was brushed away, like, not completely thankfully, but it... just... sorta... happened easily? Like how queen died by herself lol. Like, after building shit up for 150+ chapters maybe we expect some real thing to happen, lol. Or maybe that’s the message they are trying to give— “you dont need glorious shonen jump actions to do this,” etc, but idk.

Long story short TPN is disappointing again. I’m just sick of being annoyed as I read chapters where they leave a cliffhanger, solve the cliffhanger with NO PROBLEMS in next chapter, and leave another cliffhanger, and the cycle continues. Wasnt this supposed to be a psychological thriller or something lol. we are not kids, and clearly the audience isnt kids (wellll i wouldnt want children to watch tpn like wtf are they gonna do??? Fear their lives??? Tpn should be at least teen and up audiences, do u know how much trauma it could give to a kid if they learnted that technically, moms could sell them as food), but all the plot recently is like they’re directed to kids.

That’s why it’s best if I had no expectstions. I usually have no expectations on something unless I really love it. But ugh. Guess that’s what I get. I think I won’t read the next chapters until I prepare myself to accept disappointment.

And I hope, I H O P E, there comes a day where I reblog this post with good manga caps saying “GUYS I WAS WRONG, I WAS FOOLED, HAHAHA LOOK THEY DID THIS BRILLIANT PLOT TWIST AND WOW IM AMAZED”, but I really think that’s n out gonna happen. Either I’m being very fooled by Shirai or plot is super lame.

Not tagging shit except spoiler tags cause I don’t really wanna start a discussion, just wanted to vent my feelings for the shitty chapter

#tpn spoilers