#to be clear i think this is a good thing! fuck cultural christianity lol

[cemeterything]

i think it's so fun that "damn" is such a casual curse word now that it's basically become divorced completely from its original meaning. like oops i dropped my phone, time to invoke the wrath of god about it in the most mildly annoyed tone of voice imaginable.

#🐉 #even around people who dont like swearing you can often get away with it. which is crazy if you think about it. #to be clear i think this is a good thing! fuck cultural christianity lol

[unproduciblesmackdown]

today days old faun/fauna same etymology (equivalent to pan roman god faunus &/or fauna)

#greek equivalent of fauna is panis no way #learning things when going what is/was particular distinctions b/w fauns & satyrs btw. oh great now the pucks are depicted satyrically #what do you have to do to get No Cultural Crosspollination across centuries in even the relatively limited region of now europeish. smh #including going on into the modern day when my association w/fauns is less abt Nature God Connections than kinda goated w/the sauceness #hence not going Ah Of Course about All Creatures and Nature God Connections in the first place lol #the surprise ''obvious'' connections of english when Appearance of lexical similarity doesn't guarantee any etymological link #just like it doesn't re: pronunciations out here & here's everyone w/the pact to lose their shit if someone says smthing they've only read #hang on now i'm remembering & going what's up with the occasional christianity thee devil satyresque i.e. goat guy imagery huh #doesn't seem to be a clear cut answer; Perchance that [goat guy] pagan association had Evil Guy association pushed uponst it #not much Biblical ''seeing a goat guy: fucked up'' save hand wiggly [scapegoat] / sorting parables sheep are good guys boo goat sinners #but even less Biblical ''there is a thee devil & oh boy you don't wanna get stuck in um eternal torture w/that guy'' so here we are #circling way around let's think about akd the mysteries lucifer. let's think about whether they made out with the mysteries jesus or stuff #but just the Them like ooh that one behind the scenes look at their walking through in costuming thank God (laugh track) #posts brought to you by tangential offshoots of like 3 other posts i didn't make & [still not drawing!] but still learning fun facts

[majorbaby]

If you want, I'd love to hear more about why you don't vibe with Mulcahy in canon, I'm very intrigued!

feel a little nervous posting this but here it is:

It’s largely a personal thing. I was born into a very religious, Catholic family that is only 5th-6th-ish generation catholic after being converted by european colonizers, so a character like Mulcahy (volunteer catholic priest in Asia) sets off kill bill sirens in my head. 

Mulcahy himself might be an okay guy, but it’s not about the person, it’s about the vocation and the institution he represents. You know how there’s no such thing as a “good cop”?? Yeah. 

So his affable, soft-spoken image does nothing for me. When I am moved to feel some kind of way about him, I’m usually not moved in a good way. 

I think Mulcahy is awarded quite a few passes that other characters who subscribe to oppressive ideologies (Charles’ Republicanism, Margaret’s pro-military and right-leaning politics and Potter’s regular army shtick) do not get. Margaret can be grating but she also has to contend with how her own beliefs stifle and oppress her as a woman, and a lot of her more rigid views soften throughout the war. 

Charles get a decent amount of flak from Hawkeye and BJ, being in opposition to them is essential to his character. Potter is inconsistent, sometimes he openly laments the war and points out the senseless suffering, but also the guy’s a career military man. So what is the truth lol. 

Back to Mulcahy. I don’t think his role as a volunteer priest is ever meaningfully challenged by the show, which is of note because many other socially conservative views are taken to task. He’s not a missionary but he’s shown to be handing out bibles to locals, asking them if they might be Catholic… that kind of stuff makes me raise my eyebrows. That example takes place, hilariously, in an episode called The Chosen People, (!!!!) where Hawkeye and Trapper are opposed to forcing a Korean family to relocate. At the end of the episode they are shown to be (happily?) escorted off their land and the good father hands them some bibles for some ‘light reading on the road’ – uh, what the fuck. Hawkeye says ‘they have offices everywhere’ , which I wish didn't land as a quip. It's on-the-nose, and sobering for me to hear. The Catholic church got to be as prolific as it is by decimating entire cultures and traditions.

Christian missionary work is just another flavour of Western imperialism, which the show (at least in its early years) is supposed to be taking a stand against. Hawkeye and Trapper have a few lines that allude to a personal flippancy towards religion mostly in the early years, but that’s pretty much it.

There’s a few other things that make me roll my eyes. In War of Nerves where he compares Sidney, Hawkeye or BJ’s losing a patient’s life to his own ‘losing a soul’ – nope! Not the same!  His clear opposition to his sister leaving the order – blegh. His telling Hawkeye ‘you had to be there’ after Mulcahy’s War after Hawkeye’s been to the front in Aid Station and presumably other times, chill OUT guy.

His whole drama at the end with not being able to rise through the military ranks is boring and annoying to me as someone who really latched on to the anti-military aspect of MASH. I simply do not care. 

He's the main lens we have through which we’re meant to see the show deal with religion, and I’m a bit annoyed that he comes off as a literal saint. That is not my preferable depiction of a catholic priest and the fact that he’s never taken to task is a crime for a show that is anti-establishment. I vaguely remember his superior clergymen being portrayed as corrupt and greedy on the rare occasion we hear or see them, but I don’t remember exactly (probably because I’m barely paying attention if there’s a Mulcahy subplot). 

I’ll end by saying I have nothing against Mulcahy-enjoyers. These are just my feelings, which are informed by my life as an asian, ex-catholic. This isn’t an indictment of people who love the character. There’s certainly good things to be taken from him, I just don’t care to. I think it’s great that people corrupt him in fanfiction, but I tend not to seek it out because I’m not intrigued by how he is in the source. 

Thanks for the question! 

#meta #majorbaby.txt #mash #m*a*s*h

[xiaq]

Hi, I have a question re:sex and Christianity. Small background: I still go to church, and I still live with my parents even though I'm not much younger than you, because housing is very very expensive where I live (pretty common here, I would say about 2/3 of my friends live with their parents and we are decently privileged kids)

Anyway. How does one get over purity culture? To be clear, I've never been told in church not to have sex, I've never gotten the gendered lessons that you got. But I am terrified of having sex. My first real, multi-year relationship just ended and while there was hand stuff etc, there was never any p in v sex (lol I feel 12). But I still had insane anxiety about being pregnant despite being on bc. And I think its because I know my parents would be so disappointed if I had sex. And if I was pregnant I could imagine all the gossip. And honestly I think im from a pretty open church, b/c one of our previous ministers kids recently got married at 8 months pregnant and lots of church people were at the wedding and supportive and her parents were there and everything.

I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???

(Asking because it seems like you've been pretty open about purity culture/removing yourself from it)

CW for sex talk (again)

How does one get over purity culture?

Oh man. That really is the million-dollar question, huh? Obviously, I can only answer re my personal experiences, and this is something you should talk to a therapist about, but I can tell you how I’ve tackled it with my therapist at least.

Purity culture is, at its core, an ideology that is perpetuated by shame. If you’re indoctrinated into purity culture when you’re a kid, the concepts become baked into the way you construct your identity, your perception of self, and your perception of your sexuality. It’s practically intrinsic, by the time you’re an adult, to feel shame any time you’re reminded you have a body, much less a sexuality.

According to the chapels I sat through every week as a kid, a girl's body could be 3 things: an intentional stumbling block for men, an accidental stumbling block for men, or unnoticeable. Women were to strive for the third option so as to keep their (and their male friends/authority figures) purity intact. After all, if a boy, or even your male teacher, had impure thoughts about you, it was your fault for tempting them (which, holy shit. I still can’t believe that was a thing I bought into for so long. If my 45 yr old grown-ass teacher had impure thoughts because he could see my 12 yr old collarbone, that sure as hell wasn’t my fault. But I digress.) The Only time a woman’s body can be something else, is when she gives it to her husband, at which point she must suddenly flip the switch in her brain that she is now allowed to be a Sexual Being and she must perform Sexual Duties despite living in outright fear of her own body and sexuality for years (decades?) up until this point. Jesus take the wheel.

Purity culture isn’t a thing you can just decide to walk away from if you’ve grown up in it. Because its ideology is insidious and internalized. So first you need to submit to the fact that you’re going to be fucked up about sex. It sounds like you’re there. Second, you need to interrogate what you believe. If you’re leaving religion behind entirely, you’ll approach removing yourself from purity culture differently than if you still identify as a Christian. It sounds like you might be the latter, which meant, for me, separating what’s actually biblical and what’s shitty, contrived, doctrine that I was told is biblical but is actually more political than spiritual. This helps you address the shame issue.

You need to throw away I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Lady in Waiting and all those ridiculous books you read and reread in the hopes of somehow obtaining impossible marriage perfection and look into actual scripture interpreted within its historical context. I could write a book on this, but the TL;DR is that the text of the Bible was written, translated, curated, and changed multiple times over thousands of years by human beings with human biases and, often, personal and/or political agendas. It contradicts itself! Reading it as it is—a flawed historical document—rather than some sort of God-breathed perfect document—is incredibly freeing. When you do, you’ll probably realize that purity culture is bullshit on a spiritual level. Which is a good start, if that matters to you. Because any time you start to feel shame or guilt you can ask yourself: does God actually care if I wear a bikini or touch a dick I’m not married to? Probably not. Wear the bikini. Touch the dick.

The most important therapy session for me was when my therapist asked what I would do if I got to heaven and God was actually the God I’d been raised to fear. What would I do if he condemned me for being bisexual and having premarital sex and becoming educated, for arguing with men, and failing to isolate while menstruating, and wearing mixed fabrics? If Montero had come out at the point, I probably would have said I’d pole dance down to hell. Instead, I said I would spit on heaven’s gates. If a god that cruel and that pointlessly demeaning really exists—a god who would create in me condemned desire—I won't worship him. The good news is, I’m 99% sure he doesn’t exist. At the very least, he isn’t supported by scripture.

Okay. The final thing you need to do is figure out what you actually want, sexually speaking. This bit is probably the hardest. I’m still in the early stages of this myself. You say: “I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???” Bro, I wish I had an easy answer for you. For me, whenever I’m feeling anxious about Sex Things, I tell myself: 1. My God does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 2. My partner does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 3. I do not equate my worth to my sexual habits. It seems silly, but reminding myself of those three things is massively helpful. If, after I’ve sorted through those, I’m still anxious or uncomfortable, I stop doing the thing. I evaluate. Am I overwhelmed and I need to try again some other time? Do I just not like the thing? Sometimes it’s hard to tell. Sometimes you change your mind. Sometimes you just don’t know. That’s why having a partner who you trust and who’s willing to patiently explore your interests (and respect your disinterests) is so important. Half the battle, for me, was having a partner who told me they’d be ok with no sex at all. Because that took the pressure off me. If the bare minimum they need is nothing, then anything more than that is a bonus! Hooray! This is maybe TMI, but let me tell you. I thought I was asexual* right up until I was able to have moderately non-anxious sex. Never in my life did I think I would initiate a sexual situation but… I do now. It’s a fun thing to do with a person I love and, holy shit. I am furious that I nearly missed out on it.

Finally, re birth control: I don’t know how you can approach that fear in a way that works for you. If you don’t want to ever have penetrative sex, that’s fine! If that’s a point of anxiety you can’t get rid of, then don't push yourself to do it. If you find out you like other sex things, do the other sex things! If you don't like doing any sex things, don't do any sex things! Also, have you considered sleeping with people who can’t get you pregnant? Always an option if it’s an option you want to consider. ;)

Okay. I hope this was even a little bit helpful. Sorry if it’s a little convoluted, I typed it up in bursts during my work breaks.

*This is not at all to say that asexuality can be “fixed." Rather, it’s to say that things like purity culture can drastically confuse your sexuality in general. If you’re asexual, then this process is still important to discover what you like/dislike. Then you can be explicit about those necesities and find a partner who’s a good fit (if you want a partner at all, that is).

#purity culture #sex talk #christianity #sex and relationships #sex and religion #mylife #answered asks #aspec #cw sex

[ayzrules]

✶ 𝐇𝐗𝐇 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐌𝐄𝐒: 𝐋𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓 & 𝐇𝐎𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐄𝐒𝐒, 𝐃𝐄𝐀𝐓𝐇 & 𝐃𝐀𝐌𝐍𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍   Long story short, I have been thinking about this for wayyyyy too long now and wanted to get some ~thoughts~ & analysis written down! This post is going to be...fairly long, lol. Apologies in advance :D

  Also, if you can’t see the last gif (the one for ‘holy’), click here. Tumblr keeps fucking up the image when i try to upload it :////

  This post is probably going to be about 2/3 yorknew & phantom troupe/kurapika focused, 1/3 chimera ants, maybe with some references to other arcs (including manga-only arcs) mixed in. so, ofc, tons of spoilers ahead! also, i realize that my blog theme is hard to read (and i’m p sure clicking ‘keep reading’ sends you to the og post itself), so i’m linking the post w/ full text copy/pasted in on my art backup side blog (which has a more legible font) here. 

✶ 𝐃𝐄𝐀𝐓𝐇   I’m sure absolutely nobody is surprised with me starting here - there is just. SO. MUCH. DEATH. in hxh. & right from the start, one thing I noticed that togashi really emphasized was the #4 and its connection to death. in japanese, chinese, and im p sure some other asian cultures the number 4 is pronounced like the word for death so it’s associated with death in general, and boy oh boy does the ‘deadly number 4′ thing show up E V E R Y W H E R E. we get to the hunter exam, and hisoka is applicant #44. kurapika is #404. i didn’t notice it at first, but this was so intentional holy shit. togashi is NOT SUBTLE.

  So pika & hisoka are, right off the bat, associated with death. okay. and then there are even more clues to drive the point home: hisoka is member #4 in the phantom troupe, kurapika’s birthday is april 4th (aka 4/4). 100% not a coincidence (!!). with hisoka, it’s pretty obvious why togashi’s throwing all this death 444444 stuff around - dude is a psycho murder pedo clown, literally gets off on killing people (and there’s also the fact that judas sits 4th from the left in the last supper painting, and he’s sort of the judas equivalent for the phantom troupe). with kurapika, though, it’s a bit more subtle and woven deeper into his characterization, which i LOVE. togashi puts the mans in blue & gold & white (traditionally ‘pure’ or ‘heavenly’ colors), makes him so fucking kind & so good-hearted.....when he’s not relentlessly pursuing his revenge, ofc. more on this in the next section, but pika = death. togashi has made that v v v clear.

  Backtracking a bit to hisoka, though, I also just wanted to point out the 4 is death symbolism in the fortunes too (GOD i love the fortunes): in one translation, he’s the false fourth moon, and in the og japanese (i think), he’s the false hare (4th in the lunar zodiac or w/e it’s called. i don’t know the japanese cultural influences here, but in the chinese legend that established the zodiac animals, they race across the heavenly river & the top 12 animals got zodiac slots. the hare finished 4th, so it’s #4 in the cycle). 

  And just as a final note, Tserriednich is the fourth prince of the kakin empire, and also another dude who has a hard-on for murder & other gory shit. again: togashi is not subtle with this, lmfao

✶ 𝐇𝐎𝐋𝐘, 𝐔𝐍𝐇𝐎𝐋𝐘   As probably everyone who’s gotten to yorknew knows, togashi is so 0 fucks given when he wants to be. I mean there’s the whole thing where he just. took New York and decided, Yorknew. LMFAO, but also, he made the main antag of that arc be named chrollo lucilfer, sit around in a ruined church, have a reversed cross coat, pale & dark-haired/dark-eyed, generally dressed in dark colors, very terrible murder guy. liiiike......chrollo x devil symbolism game is 1000/10 at this point lmaooo

  And i know absolutely nothing about christianity in general, but pt/kurapika & yorknew arc is just so full of christian imagery/symbolism! one thing that i L O O O O O O V E though is how togashi really blurs the traditional christian-coded good/evil, holy/damned boundaries.

  Back to kurapika: he wears gold and blue, his coloring is very stereotypically ‘angelic’, he’s precious and good and kind. his chains are all about ~judgment~ and ~healing~ - some of the chains are also in literal cross shapes, aren’t they? And the chain dagger in his own heart...the imagery is very startlingly similar to the immaculate heart of mary, where the swords stabbing thru the heart apparently represent seven sorrows. IDK much about this stuff other than the visual similarities; literally had to google ‘daggers through heart christianity?’ to even get the name of that thing LOL. anyway, at first, it seems like togashi establishes him as the ‘angel’, the ‘good’, the ‘holy’ in the angel/devil, good/evil, holy/damned dichotomy between him and chrollo.

  But that’s not the end of the story. his entire storyline is driven by a huuuuuuuge giant desire for vengeance, first of all, and then there’s the scarlet eyes, which canonically are seen as demonic/cursed/what have you (according to one of the movies or smth? where they show pika as a 10 y/o?), and then we also have red eyes in modern culture being associated w pretty much the same thing (vampires, anyone?). the fight scene with uvo has everything in b&w besides the blood on his face & his red eyes & the moon (<<< more fortune foreshadowing & symbolism, i love to see it), and there are tonssss of scenes where he has to suppress his rage. so all of that is obviously not very angelic of him i would say LOL. in fact, what i find super interesting is that the scarlet/red eyes (which are ‘demonic’) is actually the driving factor behind his super powerful nen abilities; this ties in so well with the fortunes & death associations imo! the fortunes call him the ‘death-bringer’ in one translation, or ‘half-angel, half-death’, so that’s one side of pika = red eyes = death, but there’s also the fact that emperor time is literally draining his life force. so pika = death for both himself and others namely the pt, question mark?

  Now for chrollo: togashi’s devil symbolism is EXTREMELY overt with him, but i love the subtler jesus references too. the church thing, obviously, and the st. peters cross which is cuz st peter respected jesus too much & didn’t think he was worthy to die in the same way as him (or something like that, i am the most atheist person in the world & hxh is literally my entire christian education pls) but is also used as an anti-christianity symbol these days. bandit’s secret looks like a bible, lbr, and mans has a cross tattoo.

  Other things beyond visuals - 12 spiders, 12 apostles; hisoka’s betrayal, where member #4 can be thought to correspond to judas sitting 4th from left at last supper. and this miiiiight be a bit of a stretch, but i think the meteor city being the place of origin may also play into the blurred line between angel/devil and holy/damned here; meteors are defined as space rocks that are in earth’s atmosphere, becoming incandescent in the process. meteorites are for the kinds that actually reach the ground. and idk, lucifer was cast out of heaven / sky too right? so i think there might be some subtle fallen angel imagery/symbolism playing into the pt as well

✶ 𝐋𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓 (𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐃𝐀𝐑𝐊𝐍𝐄𝐒𝐒)   Last section yay! i don’t have as much to say about this, besides when i was making chimera ant arc edits & realized that there might have been some subtle gon/meruem parallels???

  So obviously, everyone knows that line killua says to gon - “you are light” - and then i was just remembering that meruem’s name means.... “light that illuminates all” (!!!!). maybe it’s a coincidence, but knowing togashi, i’m leaning towards nahhhh. there HAS TO be some kinda meaning there (!!).

  Going back to the events of the chimera ant arc....ooh boy. let’s see: gon is optimistic & hopeful even in the face of kite potentially being dead, killua says he’s light, they find kite & dude is fucked up, gon is pissed. gets all angry & ~dark~, especially during the palace invasion when he’s staring pitou down as she fixes up komugi. then the actual fight against pitou: more darkness, more anger, but through it all there’s still light, namely his jajanken being very orange & fiery lookin.....and that final sequence, where he puts all his possible nen he’d ever have into his ~final form~ or wahtever & turns into a male version of true form!bisky but dressed in a crop top & short-shorts (i am SCARRED, btw. s c a r r e d !). there’s just huuuge flashes of light as that’s going on, and it reminded me of supernovas or dying stars when i was thinking about it, where the star is like, collapsing under its own weight? & burning thru its own fuel, until there’s nothing left except a dwarf or black hole or what have you. one final, extremely deadly burst of light & energy before death.

  On the meruem side of things: born into a dark cave, exhibits a traditionally evil/cruel/wicked/whatever personality/traits so that has ppl associating him with darkness. then he gets to know komugi, starts to appreciate other aspects of humanity, seems like he could have actually turned into a decent person who doesn’t want to eat everyone - so that’s a ‘path to light’, maybe? - and then the extermination team yeets themselves into the palace, netero takes him out to bumfuck nowhere, they fight. netero’s fighting is just ALL light, from his giant ass golden 100-type guanyin bodhisattva to the poor man’s rose. again, there’s the sense of finality to it all, in a similar vein to dying stars: netero comes in determined to kill meruem no matter what, and we all know netero doesn’t flake. then we see netero get destroyed after the zero hand, and he triggers the rose, and everything is burning & on fire before the flames are put out and all turns dark again.

  But wait!!! pouf & youpi revive meruem and all he does is play gungi with komugi, even with the poison of the rose. he eventually dies, and the gungi pieces in that final shot of them together (i am BAWLING just thinking about it holy shit) has one that’s all white, one that’s a black ring and white inside. i assume all white is for komugi, who has never done ANYTHING wrong in her LIFE, so i like to think that the 2nd one is for meruem - born “into darkness”, literally & figuratively, but he turns something like ‘good’ by the end. it’s interesting how togashi has sort of gone for a bit of a subversion here: the hero going from light to darkness, and the main antag from darkness to light.

✶ 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐂𝐋𝐔𝐒𝐈𝐎𝐍   AahhhhHHHHHhhh so if you read all the way down here through my LONG rambles, tysm! i would LOVE LOVE LOVE to hear what other people think about all this, and i’ve FOR SURE missed tons and tons of stuff - chimera ants is just. SO MUCH. and i don’t know it as well as yorknew eeek.

  I’m not sure if i’m really ~knowledgeable~ in any other areas relating to hxh, so this might be the only one of these that i do, but i definitely think about some of this - esp all the religious symbolism & #4 stuff - a ton! so in the meantime, if it’s of any interest, i’m just going to shamelessly plug my hxh x religious beliefs/superstitions edit series :D lots of love to all!!!

#hxh #hunter x hunter #hxh edit #hxh fanart #gon #killua #hisoka #kurapika #gon freecss #killua zoldyck #chrollo #chrollo lucilfer #kurapika kurta #hisoka morow #chimera ant arc #chimera ants #yorknew #yorknew city #shaiapouf #pouf #neferpitou #pitou #meruem #komugi #youpi #hxh analysis #hxh meta #hunter x hunter fanart #hxh graphics #my art

[papofglencoe]

Re: you mentioning you vibe more with Kurt Cobain as you get older.

I totally get that. I don't know if I was ready for Nirvana when I was twelve- fourteen. I liked their music but I didn't fully get the vibe (I was a late bloomer spending probably 98% of my free time reading) and now I’m like damn, I wish I hadn’t been an actual child while Kurt was alive. Because goodness that cynical outlook fits pretty well on me too.

The memory that stands out the most to me when Kurt died (I was fourteen) was feeling this great loss, like I was in mourning for our generation because we’d lost someone special- even if I didn’t get all of the specifics at the time and just casually enjoyed In Bloom or Smells Like Teen Spirit on MTV.

Also, I’ll never forget speaking up at home, expressing how sad I felt about his passing, without really being able to express why, and my asshole stepfather (no longer in the picture) making some sort of remark about how he deserved it or he was glad or something along those lines. I heard the sentiment mentioned by more than one person at that time. It made me angry then and it still does to his day.

All that from a “good” evangelical, of course.

(I'm not bashing Christianity in general, I want to make that very clear. Just the particular type that refuses to see further than the ends of their noses)

Anyway, thanks for letting me dump my completely unsolicited emotions on you <3.

Man, your (ex)stepfather was an asshole! I'm so sorry he made things worse for you by subjecting you to heartlessness instead of sympathy. (As if his generation hadn't lost their share of culturally significant people far before their time... not to mention, oh, Jesus).

I was in the same boat as you. Too young to grasp the full genius of Nirvana at the time or to understand what it was that Kurt was doing with his music. I remember watching Woodstock 94 with my older brother through the static and garble of some semi-pirated version of HBO on our TV, but it wasn't until I started high school that I actually gave a shit about contemporary music. When I was 12 I was listening to old Motown, Doo-Wop, the Beach Boys, the Beatles, etc. Stuff more appropriate for my parent's generation than ours. lol. So I was a little late to the game, and too late to enjoy Kurt before the enjoyment was mingled with loss.

I remember the day he died, though... I remember my best friend getting on the bus that morning, dressed all in black, her face stained with tears, and maybe she got the full gravity of the situation or maybe it was in some ways performative grief, but I really didn't understand then like I do now as an old woman the tragedy of a 27-year-old man ending his life to escape the demons hounding him (or just how horrific those demons were). He seemed like a grown adult to me at the time he died. I know now he was still in many ways a child. So young. So fucking young. When you're a teen you think 27 is ancient... like it's time to pack it up and move to the retirement home. But in time, with wisdom, you come to realize that you've just begun living at 27. He had just started living when he chose to die. He'd just had a baby girl... just this little nugget of a girl, and he bailed on her. As a parent now, that makes my heart ache.

Kurt was the essence of a depressed person, you know? Brilliant, funny, playful, sarcastic, wry, gentle, creative, vulnerable, but completely overwhelmed by the soullessness and cruelty of the world around him, exhausted, saddled with chronic pain, pissed off, frustrated, desperately wanting to stop hurting the people he loved, desperately wanting to stop being hurt, and I just... did not understand at 12 what a life with depression would be like, how hard it was for him with the added burdens of addiction and the savage cruelty of fame and the press in the 90s (people quite rightly have taken the magnifying lens to how the press mistreated Britney Spears, but there are so many others out there, like Kurt Cobain and Amy Winehouse, who were literally picked to death by the media).

Don't you wonder what Kurt would be like as a 50 year old? Would he be an old curmudgeon the kids "Ok Boomered" all the time? Would his hard edges be worn away like driftwood? Would he have gotten softer, quieter? Would he be angrier? Would he still be laughing at all of us? Or would he be ripping his hair out (would he have any left?), tired of the ridiculous bullshit that's only gotten more ridiculous and more bullshitterific?

#long post #Kurt Cobain #tw: suicide #tw: addiction #tw: drug mention #none of this probably makes any sense whatsoever #thanks for letting me ruminate!

[spiltscribbles]

Any chance you could give us some Arabic speaking Remus headcanons? Loved your latest fic ❤️ 📚

OMFG gorgeous sugarplum! I legit only just was reminded of this while scrolling through my inbox right now! But my heart is finna burst!!! Thank you SO SO much and yes I would love to give some Headcanons about this! Especially since the next long story I’m working on includes this dynamic, and I’m so excited about it!! However, common disclaimer that while I am Arab and culturally Muslim even if I don’t practice like the rest of my family lol, I am Palestinian and not Syrian. So with every identity there are different experiences and customs no matter how closely intertwined. So I apologize for any inconsistency   that a Syrian may read and disagree with, and please feel free to correct me<3 <3

.-

The FIC this HC is from 

.-

So first off some background on his mum in the story 

I chose the name Vivian based off a friend of a friend who’s uncle married a woman by that name back in Palestine,  so it’s definitely extremely uncommon, but a fully Arab lady was named it, so like it’s my defense bahaha. But it also means lively, and coupled with Hussein as her maiden name which means beautiful, it just fit her personality to a t!! 

She was born into a pretty secular family in Syria in the late 1920s, so there was a lot going on in that time period. But her dad was pretty influential, working in the government and such. Vivian was also the youngest of four girls and three boys so she was pretty spoiled tbh

She attended a boarding school in France through out her adolescence and decided to go to university there too, so she’s fluent in both Arabic and French, with pretty great English as well. Though she wasn’t exactly white passing, even though like a bunch of Syrians/Palestinians/Lebanese folk she was somewhat fair, she had distinctly Arabian features, like the large almond shaped eyes and thick lashes and thicker brows, and a long, largeish nose, accented by full lips. So she experienced a good amount of jeers and discrimination, especially when folks found out her surname. So I think she’s able to relate to Remus in that sense of being a wolf at least, and later on  when he comes out as gay.

It was 1950  when she and a few of her girlfriends went to Wales for holiday after completing university. The second Lyall first spotted her in the woods while she was trying to make it back to the cabin near the Irish Sea with her mates, it was something like love, because duh. She was a fucking knock out!! A babe and a baddy! Literally so far out of his league its ridiculous! But on Vivian’s side,  she was mostly just amused and a bit enamored by this cocksure Welshman who had the most endearing of crooked smiles that their son would inherit a decade later. So obviously she didn’t make it easy on him, but eventually she let him take her out on the last night of her trip, and was pleased to find out that they had the same sort of humor and the same passion for their careers and even the same love for the outdoors too.

 They had a long distance relationship for two years while she went to grad school so she could teach about classics while Lyall himself was rising the ranks in the Ministry for regulation and control of magical creatures— Unbeknownst to her, the Floo network  was very helpful with the distance. Just thank God Lyall himself is a Muggle born because he really had to fake the hell out of it lol.

So just to speed things up they got married on a lovely June evening in  1955,  subsequent to  Vivian excepting a professorial job in Cardiff after Lyall told her about the Wizarding world. At first Vivian thought e was tripping on some subpar edibles until he proved it by transfiguring her snuff box into a lovely broach that she kept for the rest of her life, So after Vivian was convinced, she became  absolutely enthralled by all of the magic so completely. 

They were trying for a few years when she finally became pregnant with Remus in 1959, and they were both so over the moon (pun unintended).

So like I said above, Vivian’s family are pretty secular, so I see her mostly practicing the cultural aspects of Islam. For example, every Friday— which is the equivalent to Sundays being the holy day  for Christians— she lights up the instance that she always keeps herself stocked up on after her annual trip to Syria, instead of the typical candles she ordinarily prefers.  And Remus swears that for the rest of his life whenever he smells it, he’s back to being a baby, puttering around the house and watching her dusting the shelves while humming quietly an Arabic song that’ played out the gramophone  by a man who’s music would soon become regarded as the song of the people. Or Remus would recall being snuggled into her lap while she read him a novel on the windowsill. Or he’d simply remember listening to his parents laughter fluttering in the air while he fell asleep by the fire, subconsciously making the flower buds closest to him bloom with his untapped magic.

Remus’s first clear memory— thanks to the endless pictures— is when he was around four years old, before the attack, and they were staying in Vivian’s home town in Damascus. While the men congregated out doors for cigars and cards and the women in the living room chatting while snacking on watermelon seeds, his older cousins— who were all girls— dragged him off to one of the bedrooms and doted on him because he was the baby of that side of the family. And he remembers walking out in a set of one of their heels and a headscarf wrapped around his head which made his Mama and Tata and Aumties laugh out loud and croon over him, and all his uncles and Sido call him Aumty Remus.

The attack by Greyback happened soon after they returned to Wales, and I’m not gonna touch on it becs I’ not finna depress myself. But it was a January morning after his first transformation and he remembers that when he woke up, he saw the cookies stuffed with dates resting on his bedside with a glass of milk that Lyall had put a cooling charm on. And they’re indulgent treats that Vivian makes for both Eids every year even though they don’t celebrate them in any other way lol. But the cookies always reminds him of family and of feeling safe in his mother’s arms, and they still work to make him feel better even after the worst thing he has ever experienced in his short life.

Remus’s love of poetry came from both sides of his parents, but it was listening to his mother recite the story of Majnun Layla in it’s original Arabic that really made him glow for the art form, and brought him to discovering his favorites like Auden and Neruda. 

There’s a ornate, wooden prayer box that has been past down on the Hussein side of the family for five generations, it was originally  meant to hold a Qran but for the past three it’s simply just been a beautiful piece of decoration. So when Vivian gave it to Remus when he was headed off to Hogwarts, little Remus asked McGonagall to help him with locking  charms so it could become a safe place for him to keep his most cherished of nicknacks ant momentos, so obviously,  she silently added a charm to keep the wood nearly unbreakable and the extension charm atop of that, like Hermione with her bag, so that he could keep as many happy memories as possible inside of it, and she prayed that there would be so many that it threatened to burst. 

The last time Remus opened the box was in 1996, when he was putting away the ring Sirius gifted him as a match to his own in some feeble promise of forever only weeks before James and Lily’s own engagement. 

Once during first year, he and the lads were staying up late, trading stories about how they got their most ridiculous scars— after seeing the one that scraped across Remus’s left shoulder blade— But it got to a point where they were all feeling a bit nippish, so they went down to the kitchens for some of the chocolate pudding that was served during dinner that night. And Remus idly asked the house elves if they could make him a batch of Kinafa because he was getting home sick and missed when he and his Mama would dash over to the city whenever they were feeling antsy, and she’d take him to their favorite hooka bar after buying a round of the dessert— which is basically sweetbread stuffed with cheese— from down the block. And they’d stay sitting beneath the starlight, and talking about her job and his lessons from school while she’d let him try a discrete puff or two and they’d laugh about everything and nothing at all.

The next time they stopped by the kitchens one of the younger house elves presented him with the snack gleefully, and it tasted fine, just not like how they do back home. So Remus smiled warmly at Tipsy, the house elf, and thanked her with real sincerity.

But his face must’ve betrayed him because after easter break, Sirius plops down a fresh batch of them on Remus’s bed before leaping into his own, casually mentioning that he saw how grossed out Remus looked when trying the one the house elves made, and it was from a restaurant close to Grimmauld so it’s not that big of a deal, and then he rushed to cursing at James for stealing his favorite pen and swearing that  if he broke it he’s gonna have hell to pay. Remus had only blushed and chuckled  with a small smile on his face when he cut himself a small piece and finished the half sheet off with the rest of their house later that night during an impromptu party that the Marauders would become infamous for in later years.

It was the summer after second year when all the marauders visited Remus back home in Wales and when they heard Vivian call him Qamar practically every other sentence, which of course lead to endless ribbing and eventually  to his nickname of Moony— even though it’s so fucking obvious and Remus loves and hates it in equal parts. God his friends are so fucking stress inducing!

Remus teaches the other marauders funny Arabic curse words and they use them in class so that they can talk shit about particularly disgusting Slytherins without them being any of the wiser. (Yes I did do this with my friends, and I’d do it again! POW! POW! POW!)

It’s from Vivian that Remus has an affinity for coffee as strong as shit, but also prefers his tea weak— specifically two sugars and a dash of milk. But seriously, if you’ve ever tried Arabian coffee you’d understand, that shit is so fucking strong it’s literally a hate crime LMFAO. But yeah, this habit is definitely a point of contention between him and Sirius— who’s actually so fucking posh no matter how much he wants to be punk, and he stands by only drinking black tea— like Merlin intended— and saying bugger off to any and all coffees. “Leave that shite to the French and Americans.” And Remus would try to keep himself from making eyes at him from across the table, because God Sirius is hot when he’s all fiery  and impassioned, even when it’s about the dumbest, most inconsequential shit.

Something that’s sort of funny is that Remus was the first among them to become a fucking pot head and could drink them all  under the table even though Sirius himself has got two stone and three inches on him. But Remus still refuses to eat ham, purely because he never grew up eating it and doesn’t care too now. Sirius had to specifically ask Euphemia and Monty to make turkey for Christmas dinner their sixth year just because he knew that Remus’s head would probably implode with the decision between being rude and not eating it or forcing himself to gag down the unfamiliar meat.

When Remus is really, really fucking drunk he definitely spends the night only speaking in Arabic! (Don’t look at me I’m trash just because I stole this from my own life lmfao) But yeah, it’s really fucking hilarious and Sirius swears to God he’s so fucking in love with him while listening to Remus ranting in the unfamiliar language. And he’s like positive that half the time he’s actually just cursing Sirius out but he doesn’t even care because it’s SO! DAMN! CUTE!  And sometimes Sirius decides to speak French at a drunk off his arse Moony, who occasionally replies back in a stiff staccato before returning back to the easy Arabic. And it’s just a mess.

Ok so sadness warning

In my head, Vivian loses her fight against breast cancer the July after the Marauders graduate from Hogwarts, and afterwords Remus gets a tattoo of her name in Arabic on his chest, and the word for soul on the nape of his neck. He locks away that battered copy of Magnun Layla in the wooden box she gave him years ago, along with a woolen  scarf that smelt like her perfume.

 It’s Sirius who buys a set of prayer beads to hang off her photo above the mantel in the flat he and Remus share, and when Remus sees it he literally feels like  he might crack open with tears, but opts to kiss Sirius thank you instead, and they stay tangled on the sofa for the rest of the day in quiet contemplation.

One night, in late 1979, while  the war was only getting worse and worse—  Sirius was hit by a cutting curse to the ribs. And it was really fucking bad, but thankfully James got him to his house in time for Lily to help and heal. He slept for the most part for nearly an entire day, but remembers snippets. Like when Remus had sprinted into the room with fear painted all over his soft features, and when James put a cooling cloth to his head. But most distinctly, Sirius recalls Remus gingerly lying besides him and Sirius talking gibberish at his boyfriend while Remus plunged his entire face against his back, eyes wet with tears and body shuttering as he squeezed him softly, saying something quietly in Arabic. Sirius obviously didn’t understand like 99.9% of it, but he did catch the word “Habibi,” which he instantly remembers as an old pet name Vivian use to call Remus with so much love it made her entire countenance sparkle. It’s an endearment  that means beloved, or darling, and it feels like Remus is begging Sirius to stay with him and Sirius’s throat is still raw from the screaming, so he can only  reply by dragging Remus’s hand up to his mouth and kissing his knuckles tenderly. And he knows that whatever he does for the rest of his days, he loves Remus Lupin with every cell in his body.

Oof this got mad depressing…. Chow anyways, I can add a picture of the container you’re suppose to use for the instance if anyone wants that?

Thank you again dear Nonny!!!

Ask Me For Headcanons About A Story I’ve Written Or For One You Want To See Written

#WOLFSTAR #REMUS LUPIN #SIRIUS BLACK #MARAUDERS #THE HARRY POTTER SERIES #SIRIUSXREMUS #REMUSXSIRIUS #HEADCANONS #HEADCANONS BY LEN #FIC: MAMA LUPIN IS A BABE

[sneakyneighboururchin]

Genuinely asking here bc maybe I've missed/forgotten some stuff but... when homo- and transphobic stuff is said in DA, it's addressed in game as being bad, isn't it? Like Dorian's first personal quest is about his dad acknowleding his homophobia and apologizing to Dorian. And with Krem, Krem and Bull both correct the Inquisitor pretty sternly if you misgender him, and Bull explains how gender identity is respected under the Qun. Not trying to fight you on this, nor do I think DA is by any means perfect, I just don't recall seeing homophobia or transphobia that isn't quickly shut down by the player or other characters. Don't feel pressured to answer tho, I know it's not your job to pull receipts for every shitty thing in a video game lol

Well first off thanks for being so polite and nice in this message, I appreciate it. I'm gonna try and cover the stuff that I've seen myself and have had pointed out to me by other people but keep in mind that I'm not trans, most of what I'll say here on the transphobia issue is me parroting other trans fans who've said this sort of thing before. I am gay though, so I guess we're clear on that front. It's also been a while since i played any of the games so if i get stuff wrong, I'm sorry. This is gonna be long so sorry for that in advance.

So homophobia and transphobia in our world. Why is it a thing? A combination of humanity hating and fearing what it doesn't understand (which Dragon Age also has) and religion, specifically in my experience Christianity (which Dragon Age does not have). Yes the Chantry and Andrastianism is heavily based off of Christianity and Catholicism but it doesn't have any of the bullshit about sexuality and gender that Christianity does. Neither in it's holy texts or it's teachings. The in universe writing about sexuality, a codex by Brother Genitivi, is also kinda homophobic and doesn't explain why this is a thing in Thedas at all. Queer relations and relationships are aparently viewed by most of Southern Thedas as 'peculiar' but no explanation is given as to why. Now I'm gonna go into specific instances. 

First off, let's look at some of the stuff you've mentioned. Dorian and his dad. Yeah that whole situation hit me pretty close to home as a queer person who's pretty much accepted at this point that my dad will never accept who I am and my mother died still not having accepted me. What Halward did is definitely portrayed as a bad thing, that is correct. The narrative kind of subtly pushing the reconciliation being the good option is a bit iffy. What Halward tried to do to Dorian is straight up abuse and I really don't like plotlines that push making nice with the abuser and forgiving them as a good resolution. This is kind of more personal feelings than straight from the script fact but I wanted to say it anyway. 

Second issue: Krem's treatment. So many trans people have talked about this before me, if you want some more in depth analysis of this you should go check out some of their stuff, it won't be hard to find. The basics though: Krem is voiced by a cis woman. This immediately sets a shitty precedent on the side of the devs lending proof to the theory that they don't care about uplifting trans people, just making money off them. Krem should have been voiced by a trans actor. In the actual conversation with Iron Bull you get the opportunity to be extremely transphobic. And if you do this you get told off, and that's kind of it. The fact that your character even has the option to do that is a) gross from an out of character writing perspective, and b) makes no sense in character. Why would your character have these views? There is no in lore reason for any of the potential groups your character comes from to be transphobic. Also, and this is just my opinion, but if you're transphobic to Krem (even though it makes no sense in universe) the Iron Bull's reaction shouldn't be a bit of disapproval, he should send you through the fucking wall. Seems more in character. Also, gender roles under the Qun also have a lot of potential to be transphobic, they are by no means an improvement on ours imo. Under the Qun your gender is essentially decided by your role. So if you're a fighter you're male. If you care for children you're female. Not only is that pretty hella sexist and reliant on our dumb ideas of gender roles (that again aren't supposed to be a thing in Thedas) it also has potential to be hell for trans people. Yes it would work for someone like Krem, but for someone who was AMAB and good at fighting but they were a woman? Being shoved into male gender roles and treated as a man would not be good. If the writer's intent was to create a society with an entirely different concept of and approach to gender they've done it wrong because of how much of it is reliant on the audience's perception of gender which (going by general gaming demographics) is pretty cis and het normative. 

Now I'm gonna talk about the transphobia that doesn't get challenged. Sera makes a couple transphobic comments throughout the game I believe, the one I can remember in detail is in the Winter Palace when she says someone presenting a certain way isn't actually that. And without any further context the only way the audience can really interpret that is that the writers decided to take a cheap shot at someone cross dressing in a bad attempt at comedy. 

Sera's writing in general is super homophobic because she was written by a homophobe. I'm not gonna go into all of that in this cos this is already too long and I could write essays about it. Other people already have! But basically, she's the only out and out lesbian romance we have in the series, and her writing in that respect is really not good. 

So how about the other games? Well. In origins you can hire sex workers at a brothel. The 'special' on offer is a very masc presenting dwarf in a poorly fitting dress. This was a very transphobic attempt at humour. Zevran, much as I love him dearly, is a walking bisexual stereotype, made worse by feeding into the 'sexy Latine' stereotype on top of that, which isn't an in universe problem so much as it is proof that the writers are guilty of prejudices whether they know it or not. I suspect there's more instances in origins but I can't remember right now. 

In Dragon Age 2 Seneschal Bran has a relationship of some kind with a sex worker named Serendipity, a feminine presenting elf with a very deep voice. This is played as something that Bran should be ashamed of. At least I think so, it could be that he's ashamed of having a relationship with a sex worker. Not that far fetched considering Aveline's weaponisation of the word 'whore' against Isabela. But this is also something that doesn't make sense honestly. Why is sex work taboo in thedas? Christianity isn't around to make it so and Andrastianism doesn't have purity culture going except for their clergy ( which also is never explained why and makes no sense.) Additionally, Uncle Gamlen is super homophobic. Why? There is no reason culturally or religiously for him to be that way? Yes he's an asshole but why is he an asshole in that manner? And you don't even get to challenge him on it! It's passive dialogue that you trigger when walking into his house and you don't immediately get the option to fucking fight him about it? Why put it in then?! 

A good amount of this is off topic from the actual question so sorry about that but TLDR there's a lot of in universe homophobia and transphobia, most of it is not handled well in or out of universe. I do believe that they're trying to do better in this respect, inquisition was a step up from previous games it just wasn't enough of one. 

If you want more stuff like this go check out @dalishious cos they have a ton of very good meta on subjects related to this.

#dragon age critical #homophobia #transphobia

[bard-llama]

I apologize for using "being needlessly mean to people (specifically, you) on the internet" as a means of venting, but I'm still gonna do it anyway

Fuck it fam, I’ll jump off anon since you called me out on it. At least now I can write a proper response since I’m not trying to cram my wording into an ask’s character limit. Maybe now I can focus more on my actual points instead of spending 75% of the space reaching my post-ly Asshole Quota™

Also, there’s a TL;DR one paragraph from the bottom, in case you’d like to be Spared My Bullshit™ without skipping it entirely.

Anyways, responses to numbers:

1: Who chose it then lol, given that this exchange stemmed from a post about chosen names. You say you’ve “professionally been Llama for over a decade”, so it obviously isn’t your birth name. And if you say “X person suggested it to me”, then -you chose- to use that suggestion.

2: Fine, let me be more clear: “Obligation to respect someone’s name” only goes as far as recognizing it as their name. I’ll gladly call you Llama if that’s what you say your name is, but I’ll still say Llama was a hella dumb name choice given that the animal the word refers to is most well known for having ugly teeth & spitting on people. (And you can’t even say ‘akshually, there’s another, better-as-a-name meaning of the word and that’s how I chose it’, given your profile pic). Criticism, however harsh or mean-spirited, isn’t disrespect. You wouldn’t say “you can’t call out right-wing Christians on their homophobia because that’d disrespect their religious beliefs!”, y'know?

Also lol, as someone whose own non-English name constantly gets mispronounced by rightey-whitey Americans, I can tell you that I actually take language & culture of origin into account for this stuff. Like as an example, “Daiben” would both be easy to pronounce and not read as “silly-sounding” to an English-only speaker, but it’d be a -fuckawful- name for a Japanese person given that it literally means “shit” in that language. In turn, I’m sure there’s some language out there where “Poopoo” translates to “full of energy” or something similarly nice, meaning even though it’d sound ridiculous at first to someone who only speaks English, it’d be a perfectly fine name for someone who grew up in that language’s culture.

I only make fun of people who pick existing words whose meanings make for utterly terrible names for a person, or people like Elon Musk who name themselves/their kid a literal keysmash. People who make fun of “foreign-sounding” names just cuz said names sound silly to them are assholes in the “irredeemably bad” way, not the “tough love” way.

3: So I guess by your view, it’s inherently wrong to call Nazis absolute pieces of filth who’d be better off dead if they can’t be re-educated, because in doing so we’d be being an asshole to said diehard Nazis?

Also lol, I -absolutely- have a right to decide what being an idiot means to me. I’m allowed to have opinions, lol. And while I may not be -obligated- to try to stop what I perceive as idiocy, it’s certainly within my personal autonomy to decide to try anyway for whatever underlying reason I want.

And yeah, my whole point was that just because they aren’t openly being a dick to you about it doesn’t mean they don’t privately think it’s a dumb name lol. Unlike those potentially-dishonest people, if I think someone is doing something dumb I’m not gonna hold back saying so just for the sake of their feefees.

TL:DR Obligated respect only goes as far as recognition, criticism isn’t disrespect even if said criticism is snide/assholey/etc. I can recognize & respect that your name is Llama while still saying “but seriously dude that was a -terrible- choice”. Also, remember that on this site we’ve pretty much collectively agreed that rather than respond to their calls of “calmly debate me!”, it’s better to insult & punch & generally be assholes to Nazis to get them to stop their bullshit. You’d be foolish to try to label that as “inherently wrong” action to take.

Also PS: As for the “Why this”, it’s because very nearly all of my time is “free time” nowadays, so I no longer have any sense of task priority. Something grabbing my attention enough to inspire my own response (such as the initial post chain on this topic) is liable to cause me to remain engaged with it longer than most folks would, simply because I literally have nothing better to do. Granted, there’s a lot of fucked up shit underpinning how I got to that point, but I’m not gonna send you a TMI wall-of-text explaining the psychology & trauma that goes into someone becoming my sort of internet troll, at least not unless you go “no fam actually I’m -really- curious as to how someone gets that fucked in the head.”

--

Wow, this is a ride, buddy. You’re a self-admitted asshole, so I don’t imagine that my response will do much but WOW.

1) Not that it’s any of your business, but the name Llama was given to me. 

2) You literally admit that you make fun of people for their name. What the fuck is wrong with you??? You’re a fucking bully and you sound proud of it. 

“Criticism, however harsh or mean-spirited, isn’t disrespect.” Yes it is???? First off, there’s no criticism here. Criticism is intended to help someone improve, especially in skills. My fucking name isn’t something you can criticize. What you’re doing is just straight up being a dick and yeah, extremely disrespectful. 

“Also lol, as someone whose own non-English name constantly gets mispronounced by rightey-whitey Americans, I can tell you that I actually take language & culture of origin into account for this stuff.” So what you’re saying is you’ll respect people whose names you view as “valid”, but no one else. Which boils down to the same thing - you’re a fucking dick. You don’t get to decide whose name is valid and whose isn’t. You don’t get to decide that a name is only “good” when it comes from one language vs another. It’s literally not your fucking business where people’s names come from??? 

What’s funny to me is that people have no problem using “silly nicknames” on the internet, but as soon as it’s applied to reality, suddenly it’s untenable? Guess what? Some people actually go outside and experience reality and when it comes down to it? They don’t fucking care how “silly” your name is, they’ll just use it because it’s your fucking name.

Like, I really don’t know how to emphasize this more: making fun of someone’s name FOR ANY REASON makes you a bully and an asshole. Period.

“People who make fun of “foreign-sounding” names just cuz said names sound silly to them are assholes in the “irredeemably bad” way, not the “tough love” way.” There is no difference here. Literally, both categories of asshole are bullies and are out of line. Additionally, I don’t fucking know you and you have no right to apply your ‘tough love’ bullying.

3) “So I guess by your view, it’s inherently wrong to call Nazis absolute pieces of filth who’d be better off dead if they can’t be re-educated, because in doing so we’d be being an asshole to said diehard Nazis?” Where the fuck did you even get this take from?? What I said is that everyone deserves to have their name respected. Period. How you bring that to nazis says more about YOUR views than mine. But for the record: deciding that some people “deserve” to have their names made fun of makes you no better. One hopes that you aren’t advocating for the elimination of marginalized groups, but frankly, your views are the first step towards that. When you decide that there is a group for whom it’s “acceptable” to bully and make fun of, you are taking a first step towards what is called eugenics when it’s systemic. Fortunately, I imagine you have no power to make things systemic, considering you get your jollies harassing people on the internet.

“And while I may not be -obligated- to try to stop what I perceive as idiocy, it’s certainly within my personal autonomy to decide to try anyway for whatever underlying reason I want.” No??? Like, what the fuck??? You perceive my name as idiocy and therefore try to... what? Make me ashamed of it? Make me hate myself? Exactly what gives you the fucking right? You have a right to personal autonomy, sure. That also means that you have to face the consequences for that autonomy. And here are the consequences for this: you bullying people over their names makes you a fucking jackass. It doesn’t matter where the line you say is “acceptable” for a name is - you’ve arbitrarily decided that YOUR autonomy is more important than theirs.

“Unlike those potentially-dishonest people, if I think someone is doing something dumb I’m not gonna hold back saying so just for the sake of their feefees.” Once again, this is called being a dick. Period. First off, you have no idea what the people in my life think about my name. Secondly, there’s this little thing called courtesy wherein you aren’t a fucking asshole to people. Sounds basic, I know, but apparently this is beyond you.

Literally, what someone calls themselves isn’t your fucking business. Your obligation is to use someone’s name as they present it and THAT’S IT! You don’t follow it up with “hey, by the way, your name is stupid”. Why the fuck would you do that? It’s not about “feefees” it’s about being a respectable member of a community. Because guess what? When all you do is insult other people, you find yourself ostracized from the community and on your own when you need help.

But what would I know? I’m just a “stupid” Llama.

Also? Get a fucking life. It takes 0 effort to just keep scrolling rather than reach out an insulting people for no fucking reason. I never asked for your opinion and frankly, I don’t care what you think. 

tl;dr: You’re an admitted asshole who bullies people who you decide do not deserve respect based purely on their name. What the fuck is wrong with you?

Existing in society, in a community, means having basic respect and care for others - and means NOT bullying people over shit. Like, literally, just keep your thoughts to yourself??? It’s not that fucking hard???

[scarluxia]

Let's talk about some Adventures I had in Phoenix, AZ in 2015. It came up in my FB Memories and even though I determined to let everything from last decade go, this one still rankles. I got "in trouble" with these people for being open about my experiences on my Facebook because, even though I hadn't mentioned names, they didn't like me "putting their business out there".

CW for ableism, depression, rejection sensitive dysphoria, and I'll try to put all that in the tags.

My partner, Loki (yes real name), and I had been urban camping in Portland, OR for about a month. It had gotten cold and rainy to the point where we couldn't safely stay living outdoors, and Loki's father (who didn't approve of me) had demanded he come back to California and live with Loki's uncle. He made it quite clear I was not welcome, so I ended up going to Arizona because I had a friend who was willing to put me up. She and I had known each other since 2008 and I figured I would be safe with her. At the time, Loki was much more easily influenced by what his family wanted, and we ended up having kind of a nasty set of conversations over whether he was abandoning me.

While in Portland, my wallet had been stolen so I had no ID or SS card. I had reported it stolen of course, but had received no response until I was leaving Arizona.

My friend in Arizona had two young sons, a husband, and a boyfriend. Now, I have some sensory issues that make it so I have a hard time being around children. High pitched noises hurt me to my bones, like, even now I have to leave the room if my son gets overly excited and starts shrieking.

I was sleeping on the couch in the living room, which was where the kids would go when they woke up and where the TVs and entertainment consoles were.

Anyway, they wanted me to contribute to the household and whatnot but I was severely depressed and I think I've provided all the context I can remember? If the rest of this doesn't make sense, please know that there was a part 1 but it came up in my Memories on a different day and i didn't think I would be rehashing it.

So I couldn't do work, couldn't do anything anyone had asked me to do to satisfaction because various things that did not, in fact, depend on me. Maybe I wasn't being enough of a ~team player~, I don't know. But anyway, I did my best with what I had. Sometimes, because of THE EXTREME FUCKING SENSORY ISSUES THAT COME WITH AUTISM, I would get overwhelmed by the kids screaming. Two little boys, barely school age, and their parents sat them in front of a TV and gave them controllers. That's it. They had toys in their room, sure, but they weren't getting outside. I suggested taking them out a couple times, but firstly, I didn't know the area and wasn't about to go out alone, and secondly, I can't split in half and I'm not in good shape, so even if I had known the area, I wouldn't have taken TWO small children outside to run around where they could run out of the designated area. I'm kind of anal that way, I guess. But Woman A (mum) and Man B ("uncle") never got off their arses to help me take them outside, and Man A was at work.

Oh, yes, parental interaction with the kids. Woman A loved her sons very much. But at their age (3 and 5), they both should have been toilet trained. They should have gotten at least two hours outside every day. They threw fits when they weren't allowed to play video games because, instead of games being a special treat that was earned with good behavior, they were toys carelessly tossed at the kids to keep them out of everyone's hair. Conversely, and bizarrely, reading to them WAS a special treat. The father woke up, played games, basically brushed off his kids, and went to work. Same when he got home for lunch, and he *ordered* us to have them in bed by the time he got home for good. The mum did somewhat interact with them, but mostly just wanted them out of her hair. I wasn't so nice because I'm not good with kids in general and also loud screeching HURTS, IT HURTS IT HURTS MAKE IT STOP. (Same with snoring, or any noise made when I want to sleep.) This isn't me being a ~diva~, it is an actual manifestation of a mental disability.

Woman A was of the opinion that "everyone who lives in a house with kids automatically becomes a coparent", maybe because she wasn't willing to actually parent her kids herself.

Note from the future: I still disagree with the idea that "anyone who lives in a house with kids is automatically a co-parent". Parent your own kids. I don't expect my dad to parent my son when we go visit him and he made it quite clear when I was pregnant that he would not take on a co-parenting role (because his wives 30-50 years ago had handled the babies and he doesn't really know how to calm them down beyond entertaining them)

She got a really bitchy look on her face whenever I (who have been around children, especially TROUBLED children, all my life) made any sort of suggestion. Well sorry, lady, but it's not like you're doing such a great job with them. Y'all act like you barely want anything to do with them. Like they're cute and little and fun to snuggle, but actually teaching them anything? Forget about it, just toss em a controller and hope they don't kill each other in the game or real life. Meanwhile, they have no outlet for their natural physical energy, no real outlet for their curiosity. They're going to grow up stupid and sedentary, with "no one paid attention to me during childhood except when it was convenient for THEM" to deal with. The older kid recently got on meds for a condition that, from what I observed, was likely much more nurture than nature. And what everyone ate, my God, those kids were the only non-overweight people in the house, and it's little wonder! I bought ACTUAL NUTRITIONAL food for everyone, and the adults look at me like I'm from some demon dimension. I made a light comment about how I'd never eaten anything like what they had growing up. You know, boxed potatoes, veggies out of a can, white bread, sugary peanut butter. And Woman A was like, "well YOU don't have kids."

Um, no, but my father did.

I have a kid now, am working part time at min. wage because my boss sees my performance as so-so (plus she's been forced to give me a raise every time the County of Where I Live raises the minimum), in a single-income household, on as much Family With Kids welfare as My County will allow, and I still wouldn't feed my kid that crap LOL

Spoiler alert: they made me use all my food stamps on their household and then kicked me out later that month so... When I bought food I bought HEALTHY food, like, I've been on food stamps my entire life... Also, WIC specifically pays for WHEAT bread, fruits & veggies, and they do let you get peanut butter without sugar so idk what was going on there with them.

My father was a SINGLE PARENT raising a daughter in America after 20 years of living in Europe and raising kids with his previous wives. Well, up until the divorces, anyway. I was the only kid he ever got to keep. He told me things about how the others had been raised compared to how I was raised, and I saw the outcomes of different parenting styles in my peers as well. My father was a very poor man whose trade had been outsourced and who struggled to support us for years. And yet, we never went hungry, and he never fed me boxed potatoes. Never fed me sugary peanut butter, white bread, or veggies out of a can.

Ok I understand canned veggies are better than no veggies, and not everyone can get fresh, but you CAN get frozen in AZ. I always had fresh or frozen growing up.

It wasn't because we were living in the lap of luxury. It's because...

HE FUCKING VALUED OUR HEALTH OVER CONVENIENT, CRAPPY, NUTRIENT-FREE FOOD!!!! This is not a difficult concept. He ALSO read to me every night, despite having what I now realise was a very grueling day at work just to put said healthy food on the table. I didn't get to watch TV or play computer games (edu-tainment, the only kind I was allowed) until after all my homework was done. I can't remember if I was a particularly active child, but I'm sure I had the OPTION!!!! TO GO OUT.

Meanwhile, when I was at various stages of my life, I met kids whose parents shunted them from guardian to guardian because they didn't want to deal with them, kids whose parents were kind and supportive but rubbish at enforcing discipline, kids whose parents were abusive in every kind of way, and kids whose parents did their best.

You know, I wasn't raised perfectly. My upbringing lacked social grace and included some toxic ideas about womanhood that I've only been learning to overcome recently in my adulthood. But DON'T FUCKING ACT LIKE I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT RAISING KIDS JUST BECAUSE I DON'T CURRENTLY HAVE ANY. I have my own life, the lives of my peers, and a wonderful online community of new parents raising children in kind and socially aware ways, to draw inspiration from. I can go to any one of them, and to my own parents, and ask "hey does X seem weird to you?" And they'll give me their honest opinion, which *is valuable*. I have even mapped out a general idea of how to get through some parts of my children's lives, and I'm not even planning to have kids for at least another few years. I mean, honestly, it used to be "I don't want kids ever", but dear gosh, if I can have any part of raising someone in a manner that defies procrastination culture, entitlement culture, and everything wrong with the way my husband and I were raised, maybe it wouldn't be a complete horror. If I can ensure that not all hope for the next generation is lost, hey.

Anyway, I've gone off topic...

I also had some issues with the men. Man B just didn't seem to like anything ever. I had no idea what Woman A saw in him. I remember one time he tried to tell me, a Christian, that I can't tell people what a "real Christian" is because it ~invalidates their identity~. Excuse me, no. It doesn't work that way. There are things that Christ taught, and anyone who blatantly goes against them IN THE NAME OF CHRISTIANITY, IS NOT A REAL CHRISTIAN. And yes, I realise this entire rant has been very judgey and technically I'm not supposed to do that either, but it's not like I'm saying they're going to Hell. Just that their kids are going to be sluggish and stupid, and I can't understand how these people have the gumption to try to lecture anyone else about life when they're not even TRYING to get their own lives together.

Yeah so they tried to lecture me about how I was "letting" Loki mistreat me and how I cared more about "socializing" with my estranged husband (I have separation anxiety) than helping around the house e_e They also implied I used depression as an excuse to be lazy.

Man B was supposedly "super employable." Well, okay, even though his "job hunt" seemed to consist more of sitting around playing video games, he was larger than my father (who is 6 ft tall with a protruding gut and weighs 240 lbs at last count) (My father and I are both 60 lbs above our ideal weights. But we're working on it!), and never seemed to get past the phone-screening process.

Now, Woman A told me that Man B was looking for work and that her family and some friends looked down on him for being a freeloader. Probably because she was anxious about me thinking the same. But here's the thing: I wouldn't have cared. Honestly. If you want to sit around playing games all day in your married girlfriend's apartment with her and her husband playing video games all day, go right ahead. If you want to bake three potatoes at a time and take them back to your room for a snack, hey, more power to you. But don't piss out the window and call it rain.

I don't care how employable you are, where you live, who you're living with, or what your lifestyle is like. It doesn't affect me in any way. But don't act like you're doing something you're not just to appease someone's judgmental family. That doesn't ever end well.

Now, see, I clearly have a problem with people who do that. I don't hide many aspects of myself, though I will refuse to answer a question if I feel it's none of someone's business or if they're just asking it to be a judgmental asshole. I refuse to compromise myself or my safe space to accommodate someone who can't make peace with who they are. Hell, you know me! You know my show!

Wait, this is Tumblr, so you might not know my show. It's a YouTube storyboard dedicated to processing and mocking some spiritual and psychological abuse I've undergone in my life. On Facebook, it was one of the things I was known for at the time because I was constantly posting clips and art, and trying to recruit voice actors.

I sell anyone out who I catch lying to me about anything! That's nothing new! And these people knew that about me. For SEVEN. FUCKING. YEARS.

So anyway. Woman A has a lot of great short term goals but no actual follow through because "I'm just not in the mood right now." No judgment there. I've totally been there. The only problem is when it gets ME in trouble.

"Let's walk the dog." "I'm not in the mood." Okay, then the dog doesn't get walked because I can't figure out my way around the place alone.

"Let's do the dishes." Woman A doesn't let me know when the washer stopped. Okay. Then the rest of the dishes don't get washed.

"Let's take the kids outside." "No I'm too tired." Okay, then they're going to be RUNNING AROUND THE APARTMENT SCREAMING WHICH MY EARS CANNOT FUCKING HANDLE so bye I'm just gonna borrow your room and isolate myself for a bit.

"Let's go to the gym!" "Maybe later." But later never comes.

Do you see where I'm going here? As for the men, they BOTH complain that they're "doing too much" around the house. Okay, probably fair for Man A, who works full time and deserves to come home to a clean house. But Man B. Wtf. You literally do nothing, except when you do, and when you do, we're meant to throw you a parade? That's not how adulthood works, or so I've heard.

Note: All three of these people are older than me. I was 24? at the time, fresh out of trade school, on my own for the first time in my life. (Maybe 2nd? I ran away when I was 17 but ended up with my grandparents so idk if that counts.) Woman A was 26 at the time and had been married since 2008, had experience with office work and parenthood, etc. Both men were older than her. I was a chronological adult with the life experience of a teenager, so I felt comfortable saying that.

So did I mention that I'm sleeping in the living room during this stay? And the adults don't go to bed until like 2 AM, which means, because of my disability, wherein I cannot sleep if there's any sort of non-ambient noise, *I* don't get to sleep until AFTER 2 AM. And the kids? They come in the living room screaming at 6 AM. Yep. Okay. Living on 4 hours of sleep, for the mathematically challenged. That and dealing with the emotional turmoil of being separated from my husband when I've got high separation anxiety in the first place. All my pain, everything, it's up to 11. and I'm supposed to contribute but there's not really anything that allows me to contribute.

So what do they do? They ambush me. Call a "family meeting" to tell me absolutely everything that's wrong with me, after WEEKS of telling me what a big help I am and how grateful they are to have me around. Tell me I'm letting my "social life" get in the way of me helping around the house. Hmm. Social life. You mean, VENTING IN MY SAFE SPACE (Facebook, no names named) AND TRYING TO MEND THINGS WITH MY HUSBAND??????????????? Okay. Well since you guys treat your woman like shit, you clearly don't understand or appreciate devotion to one's spouse. Seriously. Woman A told me she used to have extreme separation anxiety with Man A, and that he would brush off her emotions as irrelevant. Her solution was to make it a poly relationship and take a lover WHO TREATS HER THE EXACT SAME WAY. I'm serious. She got no emotional support from either of them. They basically just threw pills at her and trained her to lie down until her feelings went away.

And she had the gall to lecture me (24 at the time) about how Loki (19 at the time & from a pretty horrific family) treated me. LOL ok. Log. Splinter.

As she knew, I'm monogamous. I do have some opinions on polyamoury based on individuals I've gotten to know who are in those types of relationships, but those opinions are irrelevant to this series of rants. Except one, which is pertinent: if you're going to take another lover, they should provide something that your existing lover(s) don't. If you're suffering from low emotional support and you just find someone else who doesn't emotionally support you and who treats you like a child who can't be trusted??? What are you even DOING? Like, she told me NEITHER of her men trust her judgment. What the fuck is a relationship without trust? And don't even try "dick too bomb" as an excuse when you tell me you haven't gotten laid in months and your husband is using your condoms on Woman B.

They don't support you. They don't trust you. And yet YOU'RE telling ME that things with my husband won't get better unless I follow your lead and take another lover? HELL TO THE NO. My husband has his faults, but if I tell him Person X can be trusted, he believes me.

Except for his ex-girlfriend whom he tried to add to our relationship when he tried to be poly, months later. That went Badly.

Or maybe he just knows I'll deal with them myself, with my hot, hot temper, if they turn out not to be trustworthy. He also doesn't treat me LIKE A CHILD. And while I sometimes point at things and make small motions when I can't physically talk, or sometimes even use baby talk when I'm feeling cutesy, I DON'T POINT AT A PIECE OF PAPER AND GO "THE CARRRRRR!!!!" IN AN INCREASINGLY HIGHER PITCH BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY, "Honey, I think we missed the car payment this month. Can you double check while the agent has you on hold, please?"

Okay, being a dick about losing words due to stress was not my finest moment, but at the time, I was just so appalled by how they treated her and how she allowed them to treat me.

So basically these adults who are nowhere near having their lives together, and aren't even really trying, put me on blast for not having everything running perfectly when THEY expected it to.

Let's reiterate. I couldn't get a job because I had no ID or social security card. I was waiting for them to be returned to me. I couldn't walk the kids or the dog, go to the gym, or complete all the household chores because no one would guide me. I need that guidance because of various components of my disability, which I really hate admitting to because I'm super fucking prideful, but I figured hey, she's not neurotypical either. These people will understand.

Their response when I brought this up? "You're an adult. You should know better." Sure, okay. But you should know that a child ought to be potty trained before he turns 5, or even 3; that kids need to run around, are entitled to their parents' attention and consistent discipline, and need!!! healthy!!!! food!!!!

Oh, discipline! So, she would send Older Boy to his room over misbehaving. But rather than enforce time-out, she'd go, "oh, I think I'm being too haaaard on him," and just... Relinquish. He's not about to learn anything that way, ma'am.

They called me trying to reconnect with the person I love more than almost anyone on this earth "obsessing over your social life". Well again, you treat your woman like shit, so MAYBE my undying devotion to the person I love goes a LITTLE bit over your head.

They told me that the household should be my first priority. Except no, because I am an autonomous person and my FIRST PRIORITY is, was, and ever has been the love of my life, whomever that may be at the time. That is 70% of my personality. I'm pretty sure anyone who had ever met me can vouch for my extreme devotion, and this woman had known me for SEVEN. YEARS. I'm not going to throw away 70% of myself to do an impossible task that no one will help me with.

They told me a lot of things I wasn't doing right, and for those of you who also struggle with anxiety and depression, you know that being told for weeks that everything is okay and you're so great and so helpful, and then being told that you're rubbish at everything... You know that that is hurtful. Devastating, even. I wanted to kill myself. I said that. I said that and expressed my feelings about some other things, in my safe space, without naming any names.

And even though I was posting in my safe space, I was polite about it. I was as gentle and rational as possible. I wasn't calling anyone out. Not like I am now. I wasn't trying to lead a witch hunt. I was just overwhelmed and trying to express my feelings. Trying to get myself not to kill myself. I had to tell myself over and over again that it's not what Loki would want for me.

In the morning, they woke me up and kicked me out. Said it was rude for me to say I don't care about their household. I never, NEVER said that. I said "Loki is my first priority." Something along the lines of "that's just how I am and I shouldn't be vilified for it." That doesn't mean I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE. IT JUST MEANS THAT MY PRIORITIES WILL *NEVER* BE WHAT SOMEONE ELSE WANTS THEM TO BE. I AM A PERSON. I HAVE THE RIGHT TO DECIDE WHAT TO PRIORITISE, AND I HAVE THE RIGHT TO LOVE MY HUSBAND!!!

I MEAN, FOR FUCK'S SAKE. MY NAME IS *SIGYN*. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU IGNORANT ASSHOLES EXPECT?! WHY THE HELL SHOULD YOU HAVE FELT THREATENED BY ME SAYING ANYTHING IF I DIDN'T NAME NAMES AND WAS ACTUALLY RATIONAL? IF YOU SAW THIS, *MAYBE* YOU WOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE PISSY, BUT NOT THEN!

They kicked me out after having asked me to buy them all food. I had used up all my food stamps. Because I hadn't anticipated this at all. I hadn't known they would take such offence to my existence, to my ways. To the fact that I value the man I married more than I value... Whatever they wanted me to value, I guess.

Fun fact: I ended up in a women's shelter after this, and one woman told me to actually kill myself because she was tired of hearing me cry at night.

They said I hadn't made any effort to get my life on track. Because I can just snap my fingers and make my ID appear. Because I can just manifest the money for a replacement. They said all these things that left me almost unable to breathe, in retaliation for me posting that I was suicidal.

Later, Woman A told me that this had been a long time coming and that they were trying to make room for Woman B and Woman C, both of whom were willing to have sex with the men, which is something that I would not. I feel the first woman I met at the shelter was accurate when she said they basically kicked me out because I wouldn't sleep with them.

I also later found out that my ID and SS card had been returned to sender. The Portland PD called me and told me. So my father came to the conclusion that the people I had been staying with sabotaged me from the start. For a while, I didn't feel it, but last night I dreamed about it, and the dream made me angry. I didn't deserve to be treated that way. And I really had to get all this off my chest, so for those of you who didn't immediately whip out your tiny violins, thank you.

#ableism #depression #rejection sensitive dysphoria #sensory sensitivity #child neglect #child abuse #resource insecurity? #i forgot about the part where someone tried to mansplain Christian gatekeeping to me #emotional abuse #polyamory but make it toxic #suicidal ideation

[revangerang]

Oh boy I really got in my feelings and wrote way too much lmao

Tagged by: @edithpattou86

Tags your friends to do their own lists: @chierafied @mother-ishvara @doughygraduatestudent @kazoomajor @pagan-assassin

[[MORE]]

Top 5 animated movies:

1. Whisper of the Heart - Such a cute and whimsical slice-of-life coming of age story, and so inspiring for creative types! I love how Shizuku sees her fantasies come to life in the world around her, and how she just follows her whims to wander the city and treats each day like an adventure. I see a lot of myself in her. The grandpa and his shop are so cool! I want to find a place like that in my city! I love how she and Seiji inspire and encourage each other to improve themselves. Even though they’re so young and I usually hate that kind of thing, I think it’s a very realistic portrayal of what true love and a healthy relationship should be. The way her writing is treated as a creative process and something she can polish with hard work is just such a wonderful message and so inspiring to me.

2. Spirited Away - I love the Japanese culture and mythology, and the serene, still tone of the film. Truly beautiful. The way it doesn’t paint the spirits and gods in a bad light is good and correct: they were the careless humans who went into their world and took what they shouldn’t have. But it still focuses on the supernatural and eerie elements, often without even explaining anything, which I love. And the bathhouse feels like a real functioning place with workplace culture and all. And of course it’s great that Chihiro steps up and learns to be strong. I just love it.

3. Howl’s Moving Castle - I love all the characters so much, and all the magic and whimsy. The fantasy European setting is so charming, and they did a good job depicting Western magic. Ghibli movies really have such mundane magic, and they make me feel like my life is magic too. Sophie is so good and strong and I love seeing her come into her own. And Howl is hot. lmao

4. My Neighbor Totoro - I had the original Fox dub of this on a bootleg VHS my grandma made us when I was literally like an infant. My parents threw it away when I was still young- like no older than 5- because it “has Eastern religion in it” 🙄 Too bad for them the damage was already done lmfao. It was definitely one of the biggest influences of my formative years, I loved it so much and I’m so grateful to it. That mundane magic I talked about before, and just introducing me to a totally different worldview from my sheltered white American Christian bubble. I was fascinated by every single aspect from the traditional Japanese-style home to the bentos to the shrines... I really admired Satsuki and how grown up she was, taking care of her little sister like she did, making the lunches, all that. It’s really such a charming movie with great music and such a realistic depiction of childhood. Plus who doesn’t love Totoro himself?? And catbus! Iconicccc. I still look for little portholes in bushes and trees to this day lmao

5. Mulan - My little 8-year-old enby ass crying in the living room and repeatedly playing the Reflections scene over and over makes so much more sense now 😂 But really it’s just such a great film with a unique art style, fun characters, and great music. I love how Mulan fights for what she believes is right, and wants to protect her father. And I think it’s great how she also fights to find her own place in the world. I like how they don’t make it a “not like other girls” thing, but just that she personally somehow doesn’t feel comfortable in her own skin with the makeup and all that. Between her living as a man and the clear romantic relationship between “Ping” and Shang, it’s pretty good queer representation for a 2000s Disney movie lol. Also Mulan and Shang can both get it I mean what.

Honorable Mention: Prince of Egypt - That animation tho! So fucking cinematic!! And the music and everything just ugh so good! The characters are really compelling too and you can totally feel the brotherly love and familial issues.

Top 5 live action movies:

1. Miss Pettigrew Lives For A Day - This is a movie where you can’t look away for a moment or you’ll miss something important. It really is just one entire heck of a day for the main character like howwww does so much happen. It’s really just written so well honestly that they manage to pack so much into a single movie and a single day. I aspire to that level. The 30s setting is so great with the costumes and set and music ahh I get so much inspiration from it. Every single character (and actor for that matter) is just fantastic. It’s super funny- that situational comedy is my jam. And there are touching moments that give me inspiration for my own life. I relate to Miss Pettigrew with her clear social anxiety, and perhaps neurodivergency? But I love how the events of the film bring out the best in her. And Delysia is just so charming! I want her confidence

2. La La Land - Such a fun and whimsical musical about life for creatives in Los Angeles~ It makes me feel nostalgic and proud to live here. I love all the different homages to classic Hollywood, and the music is so good!! The love story feels realistic and I actually really like that they don’t end up together in the end. They just encourage each other to be better, and if that means being apart, they’re willing to do it. It is another one that gives me inspiration for my life and creative endeavors, especially The Fools Who Dream 😭 Gets me every time.

3. Mamma Mia - This is my shameless feel-good movie. I love just putting it on in the background as I clean or whatever. It’s just so upbeat and fun!! I love Amanda Seyfried and Meryl Streep especially. And I like that the main character learns what she wants (and doesn’t want) out of life right now. And I love that they depict older characters and women!! having full and rich lives including romance and sex. The message that it’s never too late for love is so great! And also just like please communicate and you will probably save yourself so much heartache lmao.

4. Across the Universe - I have an affinity for the 60s and 70s, and I love how this movie kind of takes you through that era with the various characters. It’s such a fun movie with great costumes, cinematography, and music! I just love all the covers of the Beatles songs!! I honestly like them just as much as I like the originals. This is one of the first things I ever saw with positive/neutral queer representation?? Like Sadie is presented just as she is, without it being like WHAT SHE LIKES WOMEN?????? I”MPOSSIBLE !! Or making it all about sex or whatever. It’s literally just like “I want to hold your hand.” Also the whole bit with Eddie Izzard is just incredible lmfao

5. LOTR - My first fandom~ I love these movies so much ughhh. The music! The costumes! The characters! The world! The high fantasy!! I think PJ was so true to the books, or at least as much as he was able in just 10-ish hours. I love that they just went for it and filmed all three in one go, and made them over 3 hours long, which was basically unheard of at the time for blockbuster films. They did so good fully representing the different races through costume, language, culture, and the music too. I literally used to just lay on my bed for hours at a time in junior high, listening to the soundtracks and being immersed in the world. My friends and I would often play pretend that we were in Middle Earth (so lame for middle schoolers lmaooo). I love every single (not-evil) character and I will fight for them. I will especially fight Denethor I don’t even cARE !

Honorable mention: A Little Princess - Sooo whimsical and lovely, even when the girls are going through hardship! I love Sarah and how she literally does magic and even puts a curse on what’s her face omgg. She’s so charming and a genuinely good person too, even though she could have been a spoiled brat. The big climactic scene is so !! Omg I still get the adrenaline when she’s crossing the board and then hiding from the police even though I’ve seen this countless times since I was a small child. And it’s so wonderful that she’s reunited with her father, and they adopt the other girl. It taught me at a young age that the world isn’t fair and people will be nasty and abusive for no reason, but that you can still believe in magic and “fancy yourself a princess.” And the neighbor guy taught me that strangers will step in to help out of the goodness of their heart.

Top 5 TV shows:

1. ATLA - One of the best series of all time. The worldbuilding, lore, storyline, character development, animation, music, etc, are all incredible. If they had gone with the original intention of making Zutara canon it would have been literally perfect and so subversive and innovative! As it is it is still nearly perfect and they still did an amazing job with Zuko’s redemption arc. I just ignore that very last scene tbh. In my mind, it didn’t happen. The series addresses so many issues like imperialism, sexism, abuse, family, disability, war, etc, in a very realistic way. Uncle Iroh is literally a treasure.

2. Steven Universe - So charming and wonderful!! I just love it so much!! It is so goddamn queer, it makes me so happy. Stevonnie is the nonbinary representation we don’t even deserve!! I love every single character. I love the animation and the music too! The bgm is so bubbly and glitchy and cool, super on point for trends these days. And the original songs are so charming~ It also deals with a ton of important issues like imperialism, interpersonal relationships, oppression, self-identity, abuse, leadership, mental health, boundaries, consent, brain-washing, unlearning unhealthy behavior, etc. I love that every single character, even minor ones, get character development and a chance to be strong and improve themselves. And it shows that even the ones we initially think are super strong and have it all together, actually have their own issues that they struggle with too.

3. Yuuri!!! On Ice - This show!!!! Oh my goddddddd. Literally perfect. I love that it just subverts every single trope???? Especially with the events at the beginning and the big spoiler in episode 10. Simply incredible. I love every single character so much??? Even ones I was expecting to hate, like how Yurio is a little shit at the beginning, and then when Lilia is introduced as this super severe tyrant, but she ends up just being a good, yet strict coach because she really wants Yurio to succeed. It’s honestly just so wholesome! The music is so amazing and the ice skating is really realistic too! It really shows that they had an actual skating choreographer and worked off video of him performing. I love how realistic the whole show is like with lots of social media, youtube, instagram, etc. And it does a queer romance without it being a gimmick. It’s just a sports anime with a side plot of a romance but it just happens to be gay. And Kubo-sensei has stated that homophobia doesn’t exist at all in their world which makes me so happy. It’s honestly so queer and I adore how all three main characters are genderfucks a bit. I also love how realistically Yuuri’s anxiety and depression are portrayed. I relate so much to him, especially because mine exhibit in the exact same ways as his. It’s another one that inspires me to fight to be better and live the life I want to live.

4. OTGW - So charming. A perfect addition to the canon of New England fairy tales. The music is great, the animation is wonderful and nostalgic, the characters are fun and interesting and spooky. I love how liminal it is and you aren’t really sure where they are or what’s going on for the majority of the episodes. Greg is the most realistic depiction of a small child and the brothers’ relationship is the most realistic I think I’ve ever seen in my life lmao. He’s just so random and weird and has such Little Kid Logic I love it so much lmao. The story is perfectly contained in its 10 short episodes, and it gives a very satisfying ending. I still can’t get over how many huge stars were in it too?? Like fucking Tim Curry as Auntie Whispers???? I can not believe.

5. Inuyasha - I’m weeb trash and this show is also trash but I love it so much okay. As a big fan I hold so much against the anime for changing things from the manga, but even so I love it. Overall I think the animation, music, and voice acting is perfect. It’s so cool with all the mythos of youkai and the shikon jewel, plus I love traditional Japanese culture stuff. And isekai type stuff is my jam. If I found a portal to another world or to the past you bet your ass I’d go through it. I totally don’t still look for portals as a 30 year old adult, I don’t know what you’re talking about 😂 Kagome is such a great mc tbh like she’s so smart and strong and talented and kind I just love her so much??? I want to be more like her. And I love all the characters honestly. I have to overlook some questionable 90s anime tropes for certain ones, but I still love them. As much as we rag on the constant upgrades thing, the battles and stuff are pretty thrilling, and overall the series is good fun. And yes Sesshoumaru is my husbando, next question.

Honorable Mention: Doctor Who - I love how this show manages to be like every single genre?? SciFi, historical, comedy, thriller, mystery, slice of life, etc. I love all of the Doctors, and all of their companions. I just love how much the Doctor loves humans, and how much faith they have in humanity. And again it’s that whole isekai, time travel, normal modern human goes on magical adventures thing. I would go with the Doctor in a heartbeat. I still cry over Donna 😭

#tagged #about me #ghibli #hmc #spirited away #whisper of the heart #totoro #mulan #disney #prince of egypt #miss pettigrew lives for a day #la la land #across the universe #mamma mia #lotr #a little princess #atla #inuyasha #yoi #yuuri!!! on ice #otgw #su #steven universe #doctor who #dw

[wetookanoath]

I don’t know if you’ve ever seen it, but in the first postmortem the boys do, Ryan says that Shane once told him that he [Shane] wants his last words to be “Keep Rolling.” Do you think you could write a fic based on that? I feel like your writing would be perfect for that style fic. If you don’t want to, I understand. I love you ❤️❤️

Originally, this was two fics. One was the answer to this prompt that I started to write almost TWO years ago that then morphed into a parallel story to Like You Want To Be Loved from Ryan’s POV, and the other was a birthday gift for @mercury-skies (I’m so sorry I missed the date!), but then I realized both were pretty similar and said, “fuck it, canon divergence”. Which… is what this is, lol. In this Canon Divergence kinda AU thing, Shane has had Obi since he moved to LA.

Dear Soph, I hope you like this little thingy. I’m so sorry it took so long, I hope your birthday was as wonderful as you. I love you, you are one of the reasons I’m in this fandom still, and one of my best friends. I hope to have you in my life for a thousand years.

PS: It’s not a parallel story to LYWTBL.

(Read on AO3)

I’ll Stick With You, Baby, For A Thousand Years

If you asked Ryan, it all started in the Sallie House.

He had known Shane for almost two years before he asked him to be part of Unsolved. There was a certain amount of nervousness when he did so, and a sweet and almost shy smile on Shane’s face when he said yes without looking at him, pretending to not be excited. 

Ryan knew then it had been a good idea.

In that evil house, he confirmed this thought when he had ran out of the place with his blood rushing through his veins in hot waves, heart pounding crazy in his ears. He couldn’t hear anything but the million ways his brain had told him the demon inside the house was going to kill him if he kept messing with it in there, Shane’s juvenile laugh so far away now that Ryan wondered if he had imagined it.

At first, he also thought he was imagining the man coming out of the house in such a calm manner, it made Ryan feel even more uneasy. But his friend had approached him, asked if he was okay, and when he hadn’t gotten an answer, waited until Ryan was ready to look up at him a few seconds later.

“We have to get back inside, Ryan,” he had said and Ryan had shook his head no, no, no, never. “Look, I know you’re scared but this is our job now, man. We committed to this, we are gonna finish this together.”

“I don’t want to die…” he murmured. Shane chuckled but it didn’t really sound offensive to his ears. In a way, it made him feel a bit better that the man found all this so funny.

Shane was smiling, that was the trick that did it. He smiled at Ryan, bright and kind, finding Ryan’s fear endearing somehow and not shameful. His hands were on Ryan’s shoulders in a heartbeat, his face neutral as he spoke again.

“You are not gonna die, I won’t let that happen. None of us will.” He said. “You are already the bravest of us by deciding to walk in there earlier today, knowing that you believe in whatever could be there.”

“Are you admitting there’s a demon in the house?”

“I’m admitting nothing but the only truth we know for sure: you believe in it, it scares you, and yet you set foot there like a boss.” He smiled again, squeezing Ryan’s right shoulder. “In my book, you’ve already won against that bitch little girl.”

At the time, it had made him laugh. Ryan swallowed and nodded, readying himself to get back into the house when Shane’s hands cradled his face in his big hands. His heart stopped beating and for a second, Ryan wished Shane would kiss him.

The man looked at his face instead, as if searching for something Ryan wasn’t sure was in him. After a few seconds, he smirked.

“Let’s get back in there, little guy.” It was the first time he had called him that and it made Ryan want to listen to him forever. “Let’s finish this job.”

They had gone in there together, Shane behind him, ready to push him into the place if necessary but it wasn’t. Instead, Ryan had tried his best to not piss his pants and let Shane keep laughing in the face of danger like if he wasn’t scared for the soul of his friend.

Shane made things different, Ryan noticed, in a way he hasn’t witnessed before. 

Maybe it was the fact that he didn’t believe that made him brave in Ryan’s eyes, screaming and laughing at empty spaces Ryan thought were filled with evil they couldn’t see. But Shane looked back at him, the tender smile of earlier and Mexico City, and San Jose, and that afternoon at work when he had popped the question, so sweet on his lips, making his face kinder and Ryan had to blink back unknown tears.

“You really are scared, aren’t you?” Shane asked him later as they laid down on the floor.

He had gotten his sleeping bag closer to Shane and the man had laughed, allowing him this as he was allowing him so much lately. Ryan said nothing to his question, thinking it unnecessary when it was so obvious what was happening to him.

Many shadows were taking strange shapes, windows seemed to get darker, and Shane came into view still with all the lights off. Ryan looked at him as the man got closer to Ryan and laid on his side, looking at him.

“Give me,” he said. Ryan frowned and realized he was offering him his hand. Shane was asking for his. “Give me that hand.”

Hesitant, Ryan moved his hand until it was on Shane’s. The man grabbed it like if he was trying to warm it up, keeping it against his in a firm grip without interlocking their fingers or doing anything else, just holding it. Shane sighed, licking between his lips before squeezing Ryan’s hand.

“Nothing you think may be out there is real.” He murmured, Ryan was already aware this was something they were getting cut for the video. “Nothing out there can hurt you, I promise you that.”

“You can’t do that.”

The man smiled. “Don’t contradict me, Bergara, never underestimate my competitiveness.”

Ryan couldn’t help but giggle at that, both of them were certainly assholes when it came to competing against others and against each other. In a way, it was one of the first things that attracted him to Shane, the way he seemed to encourage him into competing with him to be the best new thing in the office. It was insufferable and oddly motivational.

“I’ll keep you safe and alive just so I can say I told you so.”

“I bet you would.”

Shane’s eyes closed, he was still smiling as sleepiness started to call him back into its arms. Ryan swallowed as he thought of leaving again. But as if sensing his thought, Shane squeezed his hand.

“You are safe with me, angel.”

Somehow, it gave him the courage to stay until past the witching hour. Shane had laughed at his inability to stay for the rest of the night but had put his hand on his thigh as they drove away from the house, looking at him with a soft smile.

“I’m proud of you,” he said, and it rang in Ryan’s ears for the rest of the night. He was unable to sleep, even in the comfort of their hotel room.

He thought there, as he tossed around the mattress and the sheets, that Shane was some kind of handsome he hadn’t noticed before. He was cute, always has been. Funny and caring, protective in a way.

And he also had a girlfriend.

**

“I got one.” Shane said.

“Shoot!”

“What post-apocalyptic world is the most interesting you’ve seen in a movie?”

Ryan took a deep breath, thinking of his answer as he drove. They were alone in the car, the rest of the crew had taken their own rental with the excuse of wanting to sleep, “the truth is that you two never shut up”, Mark had told them. And Ryan was actually kind of be grateful for it. He enjoyed these 20 Questions sessions more than he cared to admit.

“Maybe Mad Max? I mean, it would be bananas to live in that!” he answered, and Shane chuckled at it. “Ugh, you’re going to say something pretentious like The Matrix or Terminator.”

“What’s pretentious about Terminator?!” Shane kept laughing, his eyebrows high and face surprised.

They laughed together a few more seconds before Shane answered. “My answer is kind of obscure, actually.”

“Holy shit.”

“But that’s not how 20 Questions goes, Ryan.”

“Shit, I don’t give a fuck.” He frowned, then rolled his eyes when he saw Shane looking at him with that shitty grin of his. “Okay then, same question for you.”

There was a shift in the air and Ryan wasn’t sure what to make of it, but Shane was suddenly serious, looking to the road outside the window.

“Children of Men.”

An obscure future for sure. 

“Why?”

Shane smiled at him. “It’s my turn.”

“Oh, come on!”

The man giggled but cleared his throat before answering. “I think it’s something not so far away or impossible.” He said. “And I found it interesting, the way people reacted around the girl and her miraculous child.” Shane licked his lips and swallowed. “Hopeless world suddenly has hope in the form of a young lady and a baby…”

“I always thought it was kind of like the Jesus tale,” Ryan commented. “Mary was just a random young kid having the son of God, the hope that was promised.”

“Oh yeah, like obvious Christian imagery aside, it’s very interesting.”

Ryan sighed, the silence that followed felt oddly charged but none dared to break it. It felt sacred too, like if they had just shared something important and not just an opinion on a movie’s portrayal of the world after its end. 

“You were raised Christian, right?” Shane asked suddenly.

“Catholic,” he murmured. “Even went to a Catholic school, and Grandma Bergara made sure to remind me every Sunday why I shouldn’t wake up early that day. Church ain’t that fun.”

Shane said nothing for a few seconds, then asked: “You think believing in ghost has something to do with your faith?”

Ryan frowned, thinking about his answer again. It was his turn to ask, but Shane’s question tickled in his brain as he thought over his family, the exchange in cultures, all that spiritualism he had absorbed over the years.

He had been a non-believer of the supernatural in his early teens, but had faith. Ryan wasn’t sure if it was actually something he grew up to have or was something he had picked from his parents. Regardless, he wasn’t a religious person but he had faith.

“Maybe,” he finally said. “I have faith there’s something else after death. Sometimes souls don’t pass on and stay here.”

“What about demons and all that, Ryan?”

“Well…” His hands were sweating on the steering wheel, Ryan swallowed before answering again. “If there’s good, there’s evil. One can’t exist without the other.” He repeated what his grandmother once told him. “Why are you asking me this?”

Shane looked at him as if he had been caught doing something wrong. His eyes were wide open and his eyebrows were up again. He recovered soon, clearing his throat and sitting straighter on his seat.

“Well, I don’t believe in any of that. I get curious.”

Ryan looked at him for a few seconds, then back at the road.

“So you’re saying, you don’t have faith?” Ryan asked, Shane blinked. “I mean, not like a religion or something. But, just faith that there may be more.”

“No, I guess I don’t,” he murmured.

There were a million other things Ryan wanted to ask him. Even after so many years, he still had so many questions for the man, and he hoped the roads never ended for them, for their little show to keep giving them excuses to leave town and experience all this together.

In that moment, though, Ryan changed the subject by keeping their previous game with more questions about movies and simpler, sillier things.

Shane’s words still echoed in his head as they kept going and the night approached with their arrival to the hotel. Tomorrow they would be working, but tonight they still had a few minutes to spare with each other, laying together on the same bed of their double room.

“I would really like to believe in something, you know?” Shane said, one arm over his forehead as he looked at the ceiling. “Wrap myself into it, find something beyond what is said and done.”

“Why?”

There was no answer for him, just Shane’s eyes piercing Ryan’s soul as he seemed to be looking for something on his face again. It was then that his free hand moved, fingers holding Ryan’s chin up as Shane kept watching.

“Because it’s terrifying to live in a world so still!” he suddenly said with enough goofiness to distract anyone from the grey shadow that had appeared over him. Ryan blinked a couple of times. “If there’s something else aside from the things we know, well, I gotta know too! Wouldn’t that be something?”

“Yeah.” Ryan answered after a pause. “I guess it would.”

The silence that followed made him think of Shane these past months they’ve spent together, travelling for their show and how it had become theirs after it had been his for what felt like an eternity. Make no mistake; Brent had been a good host, one of his best friends still. But the man was never as present as Shane seemed to be now, so involved and worried for it to be as perfect as possible.

Shane, the perfectionist. Going behind Ryan to edit better, giving him so many great ideas that Ryan didn’t know how else to credit him other than to name him co-parent of this little project that was becoming popular. He wondered for a moment where would Unsolved take them, if it was going to become a monster or an angel.

“I really wanna see a ghost, Ryan.” Shane said suddenly, making him look back to find Shane sitting on the bed. “You better prove me wrong.”

It felt like a promise.

“Oh, you’ll eat your words, sir,” he said, and Shane smiled at him. “You’re gonna kiss my ass soon, we are so gonna get something one of these days.”

They laughed together; it seemed like they were always laughing together about the same shit. Their laughter was bright and obscure, and sometimes it made other people wonder what was it. Maybe that was their own ghost, the thing only they could see.

Shane’s fingers caressed the tip of Ryan’s nose out of nowhere, and he blinked as he saw him wink and stand from the bed, walking towards the bathroom without saying any other words.

He had never seen him act this way with anyone else but his girlfriend. Ryan wondered if he was this open with his closer friends, if Ryan could consider himself one of them now. 

Back then, he wondered so many things that it felt like a never ending game of 20 Questions.

**

When Ryan first admitted he was in love, Shane was single and drunk in New Orleans.

Each city they visited fell into their laps in a way he had never experienced before, like each place had been waiting for them. Ryan knew it was in part because they cheated shamelessly and chose places were they could visit other touristy ends, have a good dinner with the crew, and sleep well when they weren’t covered in webs and dust.

But New Orleans had magic in the air, on its people, and around each corner.

They had partied with their crew and for the first time, Ryan felt like they were going to be friends forever. He had known these people for years now, but that night, when that they cheered together and promised each other another year of spooks and bad mornings, he just knew. 

Warm beer had never tasted so good.

By the time they made it to their room, they were drowned in laughter, trying to carry each other to their respective beds. They ended laying together on Shane’s, laughing at their inability to stand and walk, drunk out of their minds with Ryan pretended touching Shane wasn’t making him combust on the spot.

He remembered little bisexual Ryan watching his crush play football in high school, how he thought Rod had looked so good under the sun and he would never like anyone else ever. Not the way he had liked Rodrigo that summer when he was fourteen. Time made him braver, steps were given, confessions were made, hearts were broken, and time kept going by.

Now he was looking at Shane, kind and brilliant Shane, who was always smiling and looking out for him. Who was very available now, bathed in neon blue light with his cheeks and nose red, eyes closed before they finally opened and looked at Ryan.

Ryan wished he could take a picture of this. The way Shane was looking at him like there wasn’t anywhere else in the world he wanted to be and no one else in his life he wanted to be with. It made his heart suddenly turn, find a home in his crush that was no longer just a crush.

It couldn’t be. Not when Ryan was sure he would bare himself to this man and reveal his deepest secrets if he wanted, when he would sacrifice everything in exchange for just having Shane’s happiness and he would be grateful. Just like that, he blinked tears away, and he was in love.

His lips parted, but no words were spoken. Shane just looked at him, into his eyes, for what felt like forever, until his eyes started to move around his face as he so often did. Ryan licked his lips and Shane’s eyes were on them immediately.

“I wanna kiss you, angel.”

“Uh, okay.”

“I won’t,” he said. Ryan frowned and felt his heart tense. “We’re drunk, I don’t want to spoil our first kiss like that.”

“Oh.” And just like that, his heart was beating fast. Happy. “I wouldn’t mind…”

“I would. Big time.” He smiled. “It has to be perfect, Ry.” Shane said, putting one hand on Ryan’s cheek. “Like you.”

He wanted to cry, instead he chuckled and watched as Shane fell asleep with his hand on his face. He wasn’t sure when he had succumbed to dreams, but he woke up to Shane gone, from the bed and their room, and the sun burning his eyes like tears.

**

“Here’s a new one.” Ryan said as they drove to the theater. “Ideally speaking…”

“Mhm.” Shane exclaimed, listening.

“How would you like to die?”

“Ugh, getting dark already and we haven’t even eat anything,” the man said, making both of them laugh as he waited for an answer. “I guess asleep, right? We all want that, the less trouble the better.”

“Just asleep?”

“Sure.”

“No old age? Just any time is fine, laid down on the bed and pggghhh– dead.”

“What the fuck was that? Pgggh?” Shane laughed, Ryan smiled as he finally saw the mall building and the slightly small line to enter the parking lot. “Oh man, you already know the answer. Old age is fine, though I’ve been feeling fifty since I was fifteen.”

The car filled with laughs, and they stayed in comfortable silence while Ryan looked around the lot to park. He sighed, reminded himself to be cool, he didn’t need to scare off Shane already on their first non-official date. He wanted to ask him if this movie thing was in fact a date, or if he had dreamed what happened in New Orleans.

But ever since that night, Shane had been especially attentive with him. And Ryan was no liar, he well loved the coffee in the morning, the good night texts, Shane’s jacket around his shoulders when they walked around like a pair of old men in the afternoon. 

Yet, he didn’t have the guts or the will to deal with the answer being no. Ryan reminded silent.

“My turn,” Shane said when Ryan finally parked, he nodded and waited for the question. “What would you like your last words to be?”

“Oh boy.” His eyebrows moved on its own, already thinking of the answer for such a hard question.

“‘Oh boy’?” Shane’s own eyebrows went high, Ryan shook his head and the man laughed. “What? Are you going to be, like, killed by aliens or something?”

“Why aliens? You are watching The X Files again, don’t you?” he frowned, killing the engine as he looked at Shane, whose eyes had closed and become moons as he giggled like a child. “Fuck, I should have never told you about my crush on Mulder.”

“You like spooky boy!” 

“Oh my god, I’m on ninth grade again…”

“I was totally your type in ninth grade, though. A giant nerd.” He answered, the comment made Ryan’s heart beat faster.

“Jesus, that would be like– illegal, you know?” He reminded him. “I was a tiny child, you were a teen and a half!”

“Oh!” Shane seemed to remember. “Holy shit, I’m older!” His hand went to his mouth, he shook his head no and looked at him. “Christ, I’m glad we met as adults. Jesus.”

Ryan smiled at him and sighed before going back to the actual subject they were discussing previous to their latest branch in the conversation. “I think… I don’t know, man. I try not to think of me dying, it gives me… anxiety and stuff.”

“Uh, anxiety and stuff.” Shane repeated. “I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s fine. I think I will have to think about this one for a while and then I’ll get back to you.”

Shane smiled at him. He had unfasted the safety belt but hadn’t made any move to get out of the car. They still had a few minutes to spare, so Ryan said nothing and waited.

“I would like my last words to be something positive,” Shane said, and Ryan nodded, trying not to think of a world were Shane wasn’t there. “‘Keep going.’ Something like that.”

Ryan smiled again, his heart was feeling trapped inside his chest and he didn’t like the sensation. There were walls around him, caging him in the deep, dark and cold sea. If he kept thinking about it, about Shane dying, he would–

“I guess leaving this world on a positive note would be good,” Ryan said, hoping Shane wouldn’t notice the anxiety this small conversation had already given him. “Let’s go, big guy. I want to buy us the biggest popcorn they allow us to.”

Shane chuckled, opening his door and following him into the darkness of the parking lot, the noise of the city and the people walking around in their own private worlds. They walked side by side, the silence a bit forced. Ryan licked his lips, thinking of small conversation before he felt warm fingers on his.

Looking down at his hand, he saw Shane’s own taking it like he did a year ago in Kansas. Back then, he hadn’t interlocked their fingers as he was doing now, and it made Ryan look up at him to find him staring nervously at nothing in particular, front and nowhere else.

Ryan smiled, giving Shane’s hand a gentle squeeze. The silence felt warm even when his friend was too tall to hold hands like normal people do.

Normal was something he didn’t dare to be ever since he left college. It wasn’t what Ryan was, he guessed. And with Shane, he was just real.

**

He wasn’t sure when one date became many. Ryan wasn’t about to question it, though, he sure as hell was more than happy to keep going with Shane everywhere. 

The man took his hand, let him put an arm around his waist or interlock his arm to Shane’s while walking, and it all felt natural, like if they had been destined to be like this since before they met.

When he got that sappy, Ryan knew he needed to kiss Shane soon and call him his boyfriend sooner. Time had been nice to them and it was time for that payoff he had been waiting since New Orleans earlier that year.

**

Little after they started to film season 3 of Supernatural, things changed.

The rain had caught them on their way to Shane’s apartment building after they had found parking on the side. 

After the movies, they had gone to dinner and argued about Shane paying more than Ryan had on the cinema earlier the day. Ryan had lost the argument for the time being, but it didn’t matter if it let him see Shane smile, make him look all smug and charming. 

When they entered the lobby, the desk guy gave them a once over and sighed, making them laugh again before Ryan put on his tiptoes and ruffled Shane’s hair, drops going in all directions and making things worse. But the man smiled at him, sweet and open, looking so young it only made Ryan wish they could have this forever, that he could enjoy this man as he was for the longest time.

He kept thinking of a life like this, in which they got together to the same place after a long day of work. Where they could leave their shoes behind the fridge to dry them and their wet clothes spread around the bathroom to then wear comfy pants and old t-shirts, share a cozy bed that smelled of Shane and his chocolate shampoo.

“I can take the cou–”

“Nope,” Shane told him, pushing him in the direction of his bedroom. 

He also had a spare room. None of them mentioned it either.

Shane’s room was a world of its own. Like the rest of his apartment, it had movie posters here and there, books and toys, collection worthy items of shows and films he loved, and his silent cat Obi in the corner, hidden on his Amazon box where Ryan couldn’t reach him.

“He’ll come along, don’t worry,” Shane told him, patting the space at his side on the bed. “I’m not gonna bite you, Ry.”

“Jesus.” Ryan laughed, feeling his cheeks warmth. Once on the bed, he saw Obi peek out the box to watch them settle under the sheets together. “He’s watching us…”

“He’ll come later and sleep over my head. Maybe yours!”

“Uh…” Ryan blinked, hoping the shot he got for his allergies last week worked as it should. “Let’s hope you don’t have to drive me to the hospital in the middle of the night.”

“I can take him out, it’s no problem,” Shane assured him, frowning at the thought of Ryan’s allergies reacting bad around him. 

Ryan smiled at him. “It’s okay,” he said. “First, I got that damn shot and it better work because it actually hurt like a motherfucker. Two, it’s been years since I last reacted badly to being exposed to cat hair, so I don’t think it will be bad. If so, just a few sneezes. I can take those sneezes.”

“Are you sure?” Shane asked, still very serious, and so very close to Ryan’s face.

“Yeah. This is his house, I’m the visitor,” he answered, giving the same thought he always has regarding his dogs. Shane smiled at him this time, taking his chin with his fingers. 

“Shane?”

“You’ll be a good stepfather,” he murmured, Ryan swallowed visibly but only nodded. Shane’s fingers moved, his palm now over Ryan’s cheek and he leaned into it, sharing a smile with Shane. “I got it now.”

“What?”

“‘Keep rolling.’” he said. Ryan frowned and moved his head a little, trying to understand what the man was talking about. “What I would like my last words to be.”

“Oh.”

“No, hear me out.” He laid down, making Ryan lay at his side. His hand was still on his face, fingers caressing his cheek lovingly. 

Ryan didn’t had the heart to tell him he didn’t like this conversation, that he had forgotten all about it in the months they had been getting this close and wasn’t looking forward to being anxious on Shane’s bed when it was his first time here. But Shane looked happy as they were, smiling at Ryan as he caressed his cheek gently.

“I either become the next David Fincher,” Ryan laughed at that, knowing exactly where this was going. “Or die by a demon’s paw on location, and you better keep rolling.”

“God, don’t say that!” Ryan begged, feeling his throat close like that time months ago when they had first gone out and talked about this. “I would never let you die on location. Or ever.”

“You are not gonna let me die?” Shane smiled, his thumb caressed Ryan’s skin with care. It made Ryan sigh. “Do you plan on keeping me forever, Bergara?”

If there was a double meaning to this, Ryan took it, nodding without finding his voice to say something else. Maybe something romantic, confess his feelings and how he had them for so long. Instead, Shane’s forehead leaned on his and they shared the same air, his warm breath making Ryan want to close his eyes and lean into those lips.

“I’ll stick with you, you know,” Shane said. Ryan nodded again and this time, he closed the distance between them.

Shane wanted a perfect kiss, he had told him that in New Orleans months ago. If the two of them smelling of rain and Shane’s aftershave, nested on his sheets as his cat purred somewhere on the pillows over their heads wasn’t the perfection he was looking for, then Ryan was willing to spend the rest of his life searching for it as long as it let him kiss those lips.

He softly moved against Shane’s mouth as the man moaned between them, parting his lips to deepen the kiss. Both his hands were now on Ryan’s face, cradling it gently as they kissed ever so slowly, almost scared of somehow ruining the other, like the other was a precious crystal to be kept untouched.

But they were free to touch each other, and Ryan’s hands were reminded of this as he sank his fingers into Shane’s hair while his other hand traveled down his back, and up again, until it went to his waist and held him there to never let him go.

Their lips made a wet sound when they went apart, Ryan’s eyes still closed, unable to come back to a reality where he wasn’t tasting Shane’s mouth. The man’s soft laugh made him finally open his eyes and find him staring back at Ryan with that spark in his eyes, the same one he had seen so many times before, that many people were noticing in their videos and their Instagram posts.

“I guess that’s a yes?” Shane murmured, Ryan chuckled and rolled his eyes, pecking his lips one, two and three times before kissing him long again, more passionate this time. “Such a good kisser, I knew you were gonna rock my boat.”

“Oh, I’m rocking it. I’m rocking it alright. All night if I can.”

Shane’s smile widened, his face getting pink. “Keep rolling, angel.”

**

If Ryan was dreaming, he better never woke up. 

The morning after he spent the night at Shane’s, he woke up before the man. He watched him sleep for a few seconds, having to get out bed when Obi kept looking at him as if judging him for being a creep. Ryan gave it to the cat, he was maybe being weird, but Shane looked so peaceful and content, it was hard to look away.

He used the bathroom, dressed up in Shane’s button down from last night and his own boxers, and left the room for the kitchen, Obi right behind him, meowing his gratefulness as he ran to the little home office where Ryan knew his scratcher was.

Obi scratched at his toy, the sound filling the apartment in the early morning of the best weekend of Ryan’s life, and he decided right then that he could get used to this and be happy forever.

What had started so long ago felt like it was coming to a friendly end, a thing that initiated something else. Ryan supposed his grandma was right, and every ending, happy or sad, is just a new beginning and this one had left him with purple and reddish marks on his neck, hand prints on his hips, beard burns where only he could see and feel, and a happy smile on his face.

He sighed, very much aware of how he knew Shane’s kitchen as if it were his own, how Shane liked his coffee and what kind of breakfast he liked to have. 

Today was going to be a great morning, no matter what.

**

Ryan never thought people would pick up on his closeness with Shane by such small things like saying– okay, yeah. Maybe that wasn’t so common, right? To know what your friend wanted his last words to be? He blinked a couple of times, scrolling down the comments section of their first ever Q & A video for their Unsolved episodes.

This had been one of Shane’s strokes of genius, a small video answering questions and comments for each video they got out on Friday. It wasn’t strange at all that management had liked the idea and greenlight it for them to film every Monday to go online on Wednesday.

Looking at the comments, wondering what people would say of their newest addition, Ryan never thought he would encounter praise for their friendship, “they really are that close”, and well. He arched an eyebrow. He would expect so, seeing this was the man he was sleeping with now.

“Stop doing that to yourself,” he heard at his side, Ryan turned to see Shane still driving, looking in front instead of him. “I see you, stop torturing yourself with the comments sections. That’s a strange place and you know it.”

“I just wanted to know what they thought of the Post Mortem thing.”

“You can tell the intern to have a look at that.” He smiled, looking at Ryan for a few seconds before turning his eyes to the road again. 

Ryan sighed, leaning his head on the window as he watched Shane drive, an unusual image that felt like some sort of dream to him. One that came true, he noted. His reality couldn’t be happier now, even if they weren’t ready to put it everywhere on social media yet.

“They say we’re really close.”

“Well, seeing we have dick appointments with each other, I would hope so.”

He chuckled, their laughs echoing in the car before they sank into comfortable silence. 

That day had been actually good. They had gotten the green light on their idea to go to England, have some episodes of Unsolved over there, and enjoy vacations after. It meant not only another step on their growing show, but a step in their relationship.

Vacations with Shane to another country, now that they were together… boy, maybe the fact that they were such good friends before getting into each other’s skin the way they had done was a good thing. It took off some of the initial doubts and awkwardness, let him dive into domesticity and couple life as soon as possible.

“We are really close,” Shane said while they waited on a red light. Ryan looked at him. The man smiled when he looked back. “I don’t think anyone knows me like you do.”

“Oh, come on…” he said with a huge grin, face feeling warm. “I already suck your cock, no need to say those things.”

Shane chuckled and shook his head. “You little shit, I mean it!”

Ryan laughed, leaving his phone aside and looking as Shane’s face turned bright, his happy expression ever so beautiful on him, and it made Ryan feel proud to know he had put that face on him. He sighed as Shane drove again, closer to his apartment now.

“Ry?” he called him. Ryan looked back and waited. “When was the last time you were in your apartment?”

His face felt warmer. If he hadn’t blushed before, he sure was now.

“I, I can take a Lyft–”

“No, no.” Shane looked at him for a couple of seconds, then back to the road. “In fact, you don’t have to go back anymore if you don’t want to.” He said, Ryan’s eyes opened wide. “You know?”

“Shane…”

“I’m saying, come live with me. Us.” He said, smiling at him when they stopped on another red light. “I’m sure Obi would love to have you there officially.”

Ryan blinked a couple of times, heart pounding in his chest as he thought of his initial question. When was the last time he was in his own apartment? He couldn’t even remember. And he didn’t have to.

Looking up at Shane, Ryan nodded with a big smile.

“I would love to, big guy.”

“Great!”

The light turned green, and they kept going, closer to home.

**

“I’m just saying, people know I love you,” Shane said and Ryan looked at him immediately, eyes wide open. But the man kept scrolling down his Twitter feed, distracted. “I don’t think it would be a bad idea for us to just… Get out there and say it.”

“Shane,”

“I guess neither of us are out of the closet online, but it’s not like if we have been hiding all this time. Have we?” He finally put the phone down, looking at Ryan with a frown.

He blinked a couple of times, watching Shane act like if he hadn’t just drop a bomb on them with such simple words. It wasn’t even the ‘coming out online’ shit that was about to give him a headache, but the copious amount of times Ryan was to overthink Shane confirming he loved him that had left him mute.

Shane arched an eyebrow, looking behind him, then back at Ryan who was still pretty much in shock. He left his phone of the coffee table and cradle Ryan’s face as he often did.

“Ry?”

“You, you said–”

The man blinked, unaware of what was going on. He seemed to be thinking about it, probably going through their previous conversation to understand why Ryan was so still, so into his head to even talk.

Shane’s eyes widened and he looked about ready to panic for just a few seconds, but it was all replaced with a huge grin and that shine in his eyes that melted Ryan in the spot.

“People do know I love you.”

Ryan’s face felt warm, he wondered what color he was blushing. Shane kept smiling at him, caressing his cheeks before kissing him softly, the cat purring somewhere on Ryan’s back, probably rolling his eyes at them being like this once again in his presence, right in front of his whiskas. 

He wanted to yell at himself, so easily distracted from the moment with every thought that passed his head, every sound outside their bubble. Ryan was nervous, Shane chuckled against his lips after he barely responded, probably aware he was just… so anxious for nothing.

“Do you know I love you?” Shane asked, his voice sounding so soft, it made Ryan swallow.

“I… I don’t know…  I do now?”

Shane chuckled again, this time getting closer to Ryan’s face to kiss his forehead. Shane hugged him, letting Ryan lean his head on his shoulder. The vibrations of his laugh made him look up, clearing his throat before cradling Shane’s face. 

The man smiled at him.

“I love you,” Ryan murmured. “I’ve been in love with you for a long time.”

“Mmm.” The man smiled. “I know.”

Ryan laughed, he could easily slap Shane for Han Solo-ing him, but there was just– his eyes and the way he was kissing him, how far they had come. Ryan kissed him softly, deepening the kiss as soon as he could, pushing the man to lay into the couch with him on top.

“Scoundrel.” 

Shane smiled, pecking his lips once before finally, finally saying: “I love you too, sweetheart.”

**

If you asked Ryan, things started in the Sallie House.

That night, his attraction to Shane made itself notice in the way Ryan’s heart kept beating fast as the man held his hand between them, laying on the floor as he tried to sleep again. He had taken the footage from the final cut of the video, never spoke about it with the man until years later, when they were more than friends and had started to live together.

Watching it now, how young they were and how much was ahead, it made him smile.

“We were so fucking obvious, holy shit.” Shane murmured at his side, looking through cut footage from many episodes of their show. “You think people will be like ‘we been knew’ when they see this?”

“I think half of the internet already has, Shane.” He conceded. It had been a hilarious couple of years with fans and homophobes alike saying the weirdest, sometimes amazing things on their every platform. “But I think it’s time, don’t you?”

“Ryan, why did you never tell me that you can see my hard on during Goatman’s Bridge?” Shane asked instead, serious with a shine in his eyes that made Ryan’s whole body shiver. “This is the kind of cut shit you should show me more often, angel.”

“You are into such weird shit…” Including him, Ryan wanted to add. Ryan bit his bottom lip, waiting for Shane to answer.

When it didn’t come, he looked up from the tiny video they were doing to “officially” announce their relationship. Shane wasn’t on his side of the bed, and when Ryan looked around to find him, the man had taken away his laptop and tugged at his heels to get him under his body.

“What are you doing, you weirdo?” Ryan asked between laughs, Shane winked at him.

“You know what else is mine aside from that bridge?”

“Oh my God. No, no, get out! We have work to do!”

“You.” He smirked. “You are mine, baby. Until death do us apart. And maaaaybe beyond, right? If your faith can guide us there.”

He felt his cheeks blush, Shane’s smile was too sweet for someone who was about to bone his boyfriend a second time that day. Ryan rolled his eyes, smiling at him when Shane brushed his crotch with his, already getting hard in his pants. 

“You are so fucking corny.” 

“Horny, baby. Horny.”

If you asked Ryan, this was the start of the golden years of their lives together.

***

**

*

#shyan #shyan fic #skeptic believer #mercury-skies #shyanlibrary #nini got mail #answered prompts #mine #my fanfics #otp: we took an oath #Anonymous #bfu #fanfictions #gifted fics #soph tag

[stonerbughead]

maria watches friday night lights (#4)

season 2, pt 2!! (2x08-2x15)

ugh Matt is really having his Being A Stupid Teenage Boy season huh?

-lol love a good naked dude being chased scene — in this case, Smash on his recruiting trip being chased around by a potential future teammate. Classic.

(it’s kinda cute that Matt came to pick him up tho)

- the latest in season 2 being off the fucking rails: really? Riggins’ new digs include a meth lab on wheels??

-Landry confessing to murdering someone and then having his sheriff dad drag him out of the station to go home is the whitest shit EVER. Like, Landry is literally *trying* to be punished and they just won’t punish his white, cop-kid ass. ‘Murica. (I mean don’t get me wrong: it WAS self defense against someone literally stalking and trying to rape Tyra, but the point still stands that if Landry was a black kid he’d have been tried as an adult and convicted no doubt)

-YESSSSS a MySpace shoutout! we love to see it

“I hate you” - Santiago (and also me) @ Buddy Garrity

-omg Coach Taylor noticing that things aren’t good at home for Riggins and taking him in, my heart!

-Wow in just one scene Riggins charmed baby Grace, warned Tami’s sister not to shame women for eating a lot (“it can lead to anorexia, especially in girls”) and then offered to go out to the store to get baby formula in the pouring rain. What a man.

-and yes, Shelly, you fully grown woman, it IS a bad idea to lust after a TEENAGE BOY

-wow Riggins protecting Julie from the SUPER DRAMATIC TORNADO that made me laugh. Do we get to have a Riggins-Julie friendship??? bc I’d be down. We need more friendships.

-Thank you, Tami, saying “EW” to her sister watching Riggins work out! Someone has sense to know a fully grown woman shouldn’t be lusting after a teenager! Julie can lust if she wants tho, that’s age appropriate.

-DYING at Landry being aghast that Tyra’s never heard of West Side Story.

-oh god, Lyla — it is totally fair to assume your mom would tell your dad she’s getting remarried, especially if she knew you’d be seeing him — so I’m sorry you’re the one who accidentally set off whatever nonsense Buddy is gonna pull now that he knows his ex wife is “marrying that treehugger.”

“Who’s that?” “Some douchebag named Chip. who names their kid Chip anyway?” Same, Tyra, same.

-Landry, one of my biggest pet peeves is asking someone out while they’re on the clock. Like, come on! let Tyra work, boy.

-Jesus Christ it’s like everywhere Julie looks, she has to see Matt making out with someone. That’s rough.

-and oop Matt you busted bc Julie actually knows who Carlotta is!

-once a cheater, always a cheater, Buddy. And yes to Pam for being like “nah bye I’m happy now, it is over.” You treated her like garbage so here we are, sir!

-hilarious that Landry is the one who ends up throwing the first punch that gets the post-tornado, school-crossover tensions to finally boil over

-I like that they show both the fall formal and the party where everyone who didn’t go to the formal is. Nice.

-Aw poor Julie got drunk af to deal with all her feelings. This really is the season where they have Julie and Matt being sixteen year olds in the most painful ways. So maybe it’s good they’re not together during this tho I’m still looking forward to when the tide turns their way again.

-anyway, Tim is a good friend for getting the creep who thought he was “one beer away from getting laid” off of Julie.

-And....in true Texas dad fashion, Eric Taylor misinterprets everything! Noooo. We can’t have nice things.

-This Noelle-Smash partnership is definitely an interesting pairing. Two very ambitious football people courting all these recruiters while Smash’s mom side eyes them in the corner? Hilarious.

-omg not this Oklahoma tech recruiter harassing smash’s mom in the grocery store! GTFO here! Give her some fucking personal space. They really do such a good job of showing as much of the toxic shit about football culture as the inspiring, big moments.

-Aw and I love that Tami tried to help Mama Smash get the guy to go away. It’s such a familiar scene, women helping each other get a dude harassing them away. And then they have a heart to heart in the parking lot? Love that.

-omg what a throwback that Shelly TAPED OVER Eric’s football game to tape a NEW EPISODE of The Office! Love it. “Y’all should get a TiVo.”

-omg watching Tami and Eric work out arguments is so beautiful, they communicate very well! We stan a good marriage.

-wow seeing the other coach from tornado school lose his shit publicly after he knocked down Riggins was uh....wild???? This is the second time he put his hands on Riggins!

-awww Eric actually coming to apologize to riggins for overreacting about Julie when he hears the real story??? Love it.

-Weevil from Veronica Mars shows up as a friend of Santiago’s? Of course.

-WOW and Logan from Gilmore girls as a Christian radio host...tracks.

“Is that your way of telling her you like her?” Jason making a surprisingly astute observation about Tim. (And Lyla.)

-yo why would you invite your daughter’s boyfriend’s family over for dinner just to say they shouldn’t date? (And bc it’s an interracial relationship.) Southern culture is wild to me lol

-wow the racist coach from last season is now off spouting his mouth about how “no wife of mine would be working with a kid at home.” I love that Eric calls him out as sounding stupid and ignorant — you better!

-hearing that Lyla burned her cheerleading uniform is one of the most badass things she’s done so far tbh along with that dealership destruction

-off the rails update: 2x12 was toooo much!! Like, Jesus between Smash’s sister getting harassed at the movie theater by the racists who hate on smash and Noelle...and this plotline with Santiago and his old friends trashing Buddy’s place...it’s like, can we breathe.

-I could not be more excited for Carlotta to leave and another teenage boy with adult woman relationship to end.

-wow can’t believe the plotline where Riggins stole $3000 from a drug dealer isn’t ending well for him. And now Smash is getting arrested bc of those racist guys from the movie theater episode? One recap I read said that too many of this season’s plots feel contrived and I think that sums it up.

-is there any character who HASN’T worked at Buddy Garrity’s dealership at this point?!

-and yikes at all the other salespeople being mad that a salesperson in a wheelchair was hired...y’all mad ugly and ableist for that

-Tyra and Landry are....confusing

-Wait Logan from GG is an actual preacher and not just a Christian radio host? CREEPY. And he kissed Lyla? A lot to unpack there.

-lol Tim trying to woo Lyla is kinda funny to watch simply bc Tim is clearly so confounded by rejection

-I love how much space they give for Smash’s sister’s pain in the Noelle-Smash theater incident. A lesser show wouldn’t have centered her as much.

-is it mean of me to say Jason is boring AF most of the time

-yeah this dreads girl is seemingly way more compatible with Landry than Tyra yikes! Like she made him a power metal mix cd???

-wow this Smash storyline where mouthing off to the press is what gets him suspended....really checks out bc teenage boys are dumb

-I love Tami as a volleyball coach and getting to see another sport! Also as someone who’s been on a losing team I know that feeling of finally winning a game!!! Go Dillon volleyball!!! (Am I maybe currently writing a Bughead fic based on my underdog field hockey experiences? ;) yes yes I am)

-Oh shit now Saracen’s at the nihilistic Nothing Matters phase of teenage angst. Right on schedule!

-lol these two short haired blondes (white dreads Jean and Tyra) being in a love triangle with Landry is wild

-Omg jean just said, “are you a friend or are you competition?” She is not playing!

-I love Riggins dragging Saracen to practice

“I don’t want you to become at an at-risk youth” -Landry teasing Saracen while also sincerely caring about him is some of the best friendship banter on this show. The accuracy 😂

-It seems like Julie gets a lot of hate? But I think I have such a soft spot for Julie bc I was a bitchy teenager with undiagnosed mental health disorders and I just wish so much #growth for her! Also I really do miss her and Saracen’s relationship, I’m so excited I’m almost at S3 where it seems like it’s happening again?

-LOL this guy at the dmv is the first person in Dillon to be like, “no I hate football.” That tracks.

-wow Saracen is getting driven to the hospital to make sure his grandma is okay by the sex worker who was just giving him a lap dance. Amazing.

-also I hope grandma is okay!

-okay Tyra throwing her hat in the ring for Landry at the last minute? Idk I think Jean deserves the win but there’s no way it’ll happen bc she’s a guest actor?!

-awww Saracen’s abandonment issues coming out whiles he in the tub after being sobered up by Eric Taylor. “There’s nothing wrong with you.” 😭 and “your daughter left me for a better guy” - will take that crumb — first mention of Julie out of Saracen’s mouth in a minute

-hey, Landry, my friend: flirting with a girl (Jean) to get her outside then dumping her immediately is kind of a wild bait and switch. But I get it, he’s been in love with Tyra for a long time and Tyra IS right — they had a very fucked up start to their relationship so it makes sense she needed a minute to process her ~feelings~. however I definitely identified closer to a jean in my high school experience L O L (minus the unacceptable white dreads)

-these Julie and Tami driving scenes are painfully accurate, btw. Love them.

-wow the scene of Smash hyping everyone up, the adrenaline/energy of the team cheering with helmets and a classic “clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose” - then the whole team running out onto the field and leaving an empty locker room with just Smash breaking down into tears....#art

-alright y’all I’m gearing up for the last episode of S2! Thanks to @lockitin for reminding me this is the writers’ strike season — I was in eighth grade then and remember being pissedddd about the shortened fourth season of “the office” — so I’m fully prepared for the abruptness to come.

-I love when they parallel showing the white church and the black church

-and Tim going to church just to see Lyla makes me laugh

-ooooof Jason you cannot put on this waitress you had a one night stand with the fact that this could be your only chance to have a baby!!! Omg this poor woman who just pointed out she, too, is NINETEEN.

-wait so is Riggins doing a sports show on a Christian radio station? What?

“I think you’re really hot. Your long hair reminds me of Jesus” -Christian girls being horny for Riggins LOL

-awww Saracen being like “okay Landry you’re gonna impress Tyra right now” before that football play was a cute friendship moment for those two

-aww I love how this Smash storyline is turning out with Coach Deeks whose had his eye on him for six years my heart 😭

-also unclear to me whether Logan Huntzberger the Preacher is a fully grown adult dating a high school senior?? Biggest teen drama pet peeve once again! Stop this!

-Tami is my heroine for just leaving Eric at the restaurant fighting with her ex. “see you at home, honey!”

-I’m sorry, is Jason gonna like actually convince this girl to have a baby with her one night stand at 19??? Oh lol wait THAT ended up being the cliffhanger of the whole season? Fucking hilarious.

well I made it through season 2!!! Super psyched for Season 3, Jay has been hyping me up for it. See y’all next time! (I’ll try to post more for season 3 bc this accidentally got long af.)

#maria watches friday night lights #mine #friday night lights #friday night lights 2x08 #friday night lights 2x09 #friday night lights 2x10 #friday night lights 2x11 #friday night lights 2x12 #friday night lights 2x13 #friday night lights 2x14 #friday night lights 2x15

[automatismoateo]

What good can be achieved by religious people that can't be achieved by non-religious people? If so, what's the point of religion? (big rant) via /r/atheism

Submitted January 20, 2020 at 03:42PM by grahch (Via reddit https://ift.tt/38pVPVT) What good can be achieved by religious people that can't be achieved by non-religious people? If so, what's the point of religion? (big rant)

The answer is none! The answer is "some" for the converse question (what bad can religious people do that can't be done by the non-religious). However, just imagine the harm (historically, currently) that has SPECIFICALLY come out of everyday people (and people in power) "serving God". Ritualistic rape, ritualistic murder, genital mutilation, ideological war, slavery, forced colonialism, forced cultural conversion and "re-education", conversion therapy/camps, sexual abuse, mental health issues, homelessness as a result of abandoning ones own children, etc.

I was ranting at my best friend (a progressive Christian, one of a tiny handful of Christians I've met who truly model what it should be) and just couldn't set aside what we wish religions could be from the people who practice it. To provide context, my direct experience is with Christianity and Islam, as I've lived for some time in the Middle East.

Now I'm not saying that faith, community, and a source of comfort aren't all good and dandy. But what, then, is the point of thinking there's a creator if you can achieve your goals and live your life positively in a wonderful way without one? I've dedicated my own life to working for community betterment, human wellbeing, and intercultural understanding, and I don't need God to do it?

It seems like the only thing that separates my best friend and myself, in my eyes, is that one of us fears an eternal punishment and the other doesn't. Who the fuck wants to live their whole life feeling like they constantly need to prove their worth to a Big Daddy in the sky (that isn't proven to exist in the slightest) so that they can feel more secure about their (natural and overcome-able) fear of mortality and being gone from this planet? Does that not ring weird to them, that they don't know what could exist, but it MUST be some kind of humanoid energy with feelings and goals? And how can a person representative of their religion just calmly cherry pick what they like from their guidebook and then just totally separate themselves from the vast population of people who represent it badly? It's like, one bad apple spoils the whole bunch, but all the other apples are just turning away from it because "eh, I prefer to interpret it as ___".

Don't even get me started about the fact that a person's traditions and customs are directly attributed to where on this earth they were born/raised. Even with that knowledge, why just continue going with the one religion you were brought up with like it's your only choice, or even the "right" one? Why not try a bunch? Better yet, why not just give yourself total freedom to grow into a sense of security and faith in the tangible and provable without any fear that you're going to be severely punished/ not going to be rewarded by adhering to a set of rules set by people literally millenia ago who lived in a society so far removed from our own, in (a) book(s) that have been translated over several times (unless you're going to read it and interpret it from the original languages, which is not possible unless you've directly studied that language to whatever limited extent we can)?

I've always thought, about most things: why not just... make sense? Religion, and what people do with it, doesn't make enough sense to me to abandon this freedom I've found. Freedom because of my own growth and choice is much different to me than "freedom" because someone else is taking care of my life for me, and all I have to do is just have to keep showing them how much I love them. People from different denominations of Christianity, and people from Islam have tried to sell their beliefs to me, and I don't buy it. I'm sure, when things get hard or emotional, it would be nice to just bundle up all my feelings and send them away to a metaphysical paternal figure in the sky and just feel better that someone else is going to be responsible for me. But it's not going to happen, and I feel so so much better off this way.

I've found community, deep love, security, (secular) faith, goodwill, and passion in life without religion. I grew up in a multi-cultural household with different religions and had the freedom to do what I wanted (even if I was pushed by people to follow certain beliefs). I couldn't imagine a better life for myself and have full faith in my ability, my ever-expanding community's ability, and various points of education I put myself through to help me continue to grow into a person that I'll continue to admire (tooting my own horn here but tbh I'm kick-ass so I'm not going to apologize for it lol). The horizon is clear and there has never been/will never be a situation that will call for me to sacrifice a foundation of life that has made me confident, self-assured, open-minded, self-efficacious, critical, courageous, and steady as not being religious has done. The burden of proof is on the people who propose and propogate their theories of what's going on in the world, but until then, I'm thriving here in Default Mode.

ETA: clarified wording at beginning

#reddit

[the-z-part]

Out of curiosity, what parts of TAZ did you see as Christian ideology? The only thing I can think of is the Extreme Teen Bible, and that's more icon than ideology, so I must have missed something.

Hi!

So let me preface this by saying I ADORE Taz, like if you’re on this blog you probably already know that but it’s my favorite thing in the world and nothing I’m about to say diminishes that. But we live in a Christian-normative world and our boys were brought up Christian (I think I read that griffin wanted to be a youth minister???? is that true???) so obviously those values show up in their work. And as a person who grew up not Christian (specifically Jewish), those things sometimes come off as a little alienating. This is true of basically all western literature btw so like, Taz isn’t special. 

The only instance of it that seriously makes me uncomfortable is the First Church of Fungston in TSC. The idea of bringing an outside religion to a group of “unfortunate” people to raise them up is, well, it echoes some pretty bad real life things that have happened. It’s justified in the narrative because the people of Fungston have no religion, but how many actual groups of people were perceived as having no/not enough religion by Christians and forcibly converted to “help” them? The boys and most of the fandom see this as a beautiful and uplifting scene, and I don’t want to yuck anyone’s yums here, like don’t let me take that away from you, but I do skip that part when I relisten to it. 

And then smaller things, like the way Merle is always proselytizing. It’s not something that’s unique to Christianity, but also not something that is a feature of all religions, and the way it’s simply assumed to be part of the duty of a cleric is pretty Christian. I doubt that anyone planned for Magnus to have so many christ parallels (I too have mistaken posts about Jesus for ones about Magnus and vies versa) but there they are, because the model for, like, goodness for the boys is Jesus. In the trial in TSC , they’re accused of various iterations of the Seven Deadly Sins, a specifically Christian idea of morality (and then Taako/Justin claims to have broken it when tbh it never made much sense to me in the first place). Stuff like that - things that are treated as default by Christians and ex-Christians and culturally Christian atheists, but aren’t actually the way that everyone thinks of the cosmos. 

Again, I’m not knocking putting Christian values into one’s work. I think it’s important for a person’s art to reflect them, their beliefs, and their cultures. You better believe my art is Jewish as fuck! But I also think it’s important to examine what we consider to be default, to be devoid of ideology. The McElroys exist in a cultural context, and they’re so good about pointing out their maleness and straightness and whiteness – decentering those presumed defaults – and I think it’s valuable for us to un-default their Chritianity, too. 

I also want to be clear that I don’t think less of you, anon, for not noticing this! We’ve all got blind spots. I really appreciate your asking. 

I hope that answers your question, Anon! It got a little away from me lol. If you’ve got follow up questions or counterpoints feel free to hit me up, and if you want to talk privately just come off anon and let me know :)

#personal #the-z-part #Anonymous

[ano-po]

A trip to Southern Cebu — Whale Sharks encounter in Oslob — Buko pie of Naga — Chicharon of Carcar

Although I’m not a big fan of Cebu cuz the men here are like animals who still catcalls women unlike in Calabarzon, I could say there are a lot of galaan and unique encounters.

But unfortunately, the cons outweigh the pros, and here’s why.

—Cebuanos are rude. As someone who grew up in an easy-going and calm environment, Cebuanos are a great shock for me. But that could be just a personality, no? Maybe we can forgive that.

—Cebuanos are sexists. There’s always a clear boundary between men and women here, and men usually thinks women are just for comfort, a usual disrespectful talk over alcohol. There’s always scandals against women in the top 3 schools (uc, usc, usjr). They think women like it when they are catcalled, and let me tell you, it’s a bad kind of whistle. It’s like they see women as animals. I hate it. These Cebuanos are those who are uneducated, jobless, or truck drivers. They catcall even students in their uniform. Ew. But when the woman fights back, they get scared and they cower away. Pathetic. Never in my entire life have I ever been catcalled in Batangas even when I’m wearing mini-skirt. But here? Man, I get it twice a week while I’m in my lousy slacks, over-sized cardigan, and face mask. Just animals, really. That’s why I don’t want to recommend my gf to come here. I might actually kill a man. (and this is coming from a 144 cm college girl who never leaves her house without her favorite pink artwork blade. Brave.) Parents are also very clear with gender stereotypes, pink for girls, blue for boys. If someone without this concept accidentally buys pink for a baby boy, the parent would say, “You’re making my son gay.” Well, sorry, Lorna. I didn’t know a child’s sexuality could be determined by the color of the 50 peso bill. At a very young age, they also dress the girls with really skimpy girly outfits (backless, mini-skirt, etc.) and encourage them not to play because they’re wearing girly outfits. Well, fuck it, Lorna. Your children probably don’t want to be prostitutes. The sons are somehow thought to be very manly, too, some fathers even teach their children to catcall sexy women. This encourages machismo, chauvanism, and sexism. This is what I hate the most about Cebuanos.

—Cebuanos are racist. I get how Cebuanos are so recentful over the fact that Bisaya people are seen as maids in Luzon. However, Bisayas are worst racists… towards themselves. They always think Manilenyos hate them. Whenever there’s a contest and the Cebuano didn’t win against the Manilenyo, they always rationalize it by saying “it’s because Tagalogs are racist and they don’t want us to win.” They’ve always been bitter that Cebu is not the capital city, that Lapu-lapu is not the National Hero, and that Cebuano is not the national language. I’m not kidding. The professors here talk about this. Maybe they have a claim since Cebu is really a progressive city by itself, but its grounds came from the Spanish regime. In addition, the reason why the tagalog Filipino heroes were so bitter about Cebu was because they didn’t join the revolution immediately, and it seems they are happy being under the regime. Mindanao even joined the revolution. The 3 stars in the flag is not Luzon, Visayaz, Mindanao. It’s Luzon, Panay Islands, and Mindanao. That’s how bitter they got, and I think the Tagalog vs. Bisaya fights started there. —Cebuanos hate Muslims. (except the rich-looking ones) But as soon as they see a poor-looking Muslim, they have no qualms being harsh to them. Why? Because they are minority and Cebuanos like acting strong against the weak. Well, most Filipinos are like this. Haha. Some Tagalogs are also like this, too. However, the Christian-Muslim devide is stronger in Mindanao. Sad.

—Cebuanos have the strongest Colonial mentality I’ve ever seen. As soon as you get down from Mactan National Airport, you’ll see signages in Korean. There are also signages in Korean, Japanese, Chinese outside… And they don’t have english/tagalog/bisaya translations. They are business establishments though, so maybe they are foreign investors who want their countrymen to feel welcome. That’s fine, BUT WHY EVERYWHERE? Even the Business establishments by a Filipino is like this. Didn’t the foreigners come here to experience the Filipino Culture, not a cheap copy of theirs? Oslob has so much signs in Korean, and it made me sad. Why do we need another foreign signs? English is enough! Do they think these Koreans don’t know how to speak in english? And if they don’t, we have to be the one to adjust? And don’t get me started with Filipino Research getting kicked out from College Curriculum and Korean getting in as an Elective. Just don’t! I love that Filipinos are hospitable that they want to feel the tourists comfortable. However, what cebuanos are doing is not Hospitality anymore. When lining up in Oslob, one caucasian man approached a korean lady and asked how she sees Philippines. She said, “It nice. Just like mini dirty korea.” I almost cried. As a filipino, my pride has been hurt. You know what, if the people, the government, and these Cebuanos don’t want us to be patriotic, edi wag. I don’t have to be patriotic to be alive. Maybe we just let korea invade us, okay lang naman. I don’t mind if we blow up. I’m tired of my own countrymen, of my fellow Cebuanos.

—Cebuano service Quality. IS NOT GOOD. (Unless they are serving a foreigner) Cebu Jollibee service is still good and within the standard, thank goodness. Other businesses (including Cebu Mcdonalds) have weird kind of customer service. For example, they already know you came to the counter, they already made eye-contact with you, but they would still keep on talking with each other until you call out to them. Unlike when they treat a foreign customer, they would immediately come over and smile, “yes maam/sir how may I help you?” In addition, Cebuanos have this habit of shouting their orders even when it’s not yet their turn. Excuse me, didn’t you see me here?

— There are good sides of being a Cebuano, too, like extended family closeness (the drama, tho), people being honest (but not really loyal - cheating is really rampant), the professionals being professionals, the students being hardworking, the city planners already realizing the mistakes of 1950s city planning, the sinulog, the over-religiousness (not that faithful tho, just very traditionally roman-catholic.), the approach and considerability of professors, the friendliness of the girls, the artistry, the scenery, the wifi-signals, those are the things I like the most. However, it’s just that… the cons outweigh the pros. I dunno, maybe it's maria Cacao's fault for being an inactive benefactor. Haha. I mean, look at Maria Makiling and Calabarzon. Cebuanos don't even know who Maria Cacao is. Lol.

I’m a Cebuana, too, and the reality makes me sad. So for those Cebuanos out there, I apologize, but what I said were the truth. Don’t deny it.

#shitpost #random #ikae na bahala mag tag gusto ko lang mag-rant