#though i personally don't do the first one due to Therapy

[pastafossa]

Idk if it’s cause his face claim is Oscar Isaac but Ciro is taking up way more of my brain space than I think you intended. do u have any of his lore in your back pocket? a tragic backstory? who he had his kid with? were they in love?? IS HE HAPPY? anyways. i appreciate you and i hope you’re doing well!! sending love

Thank you so, so much! I'm starting to feel a bit more up finally, and my moods are leveling out I think!

And ABSOLUTELY! TEN PIECES OF CIRO LORE:

Ciro and his wife Elisa (Sophia's mom), were a Mobster Power Couple, and madly in love. She worked alongside him and ran various aspects of the business. She was cunning yet cheerful, loved classical literature like he did, and they had plans for a large family. They both figured if one of them died, it would be due to 'business'. Sadly she passed away incredibly suddenly from an aneurysm a few years after Sophia was born, leaving him a widower and a single father. His daughter for a time was the only thing keeping him going.

He's made a good recovery since then with some therapy and has found he loves being a dad and is quite happy running his businesses, criminal and not, though he spends a substantial amount of time worrying about Jane, and would be even happier if she were safe. But he definitely feels like he's doing what he was meant to do, and feels like God approves in his own way.

Romantically (something rarely touched on in TRT), he's had some flings and short-term relationships with various people after his wife passed, mostly women and a few men, but he hasn't had anything serious so far, in part because he's been so focused on Running The Empire and raising his daughter(s) (and other adopted stray feral murder children like Eli). Though if he finds his second special person, he'd be willing to consider something more serious.

At the time of TRT, he has five cats, all former strays because this man can never resist picking up the lost, human and animal, and there are a variety of cat rescues around Los Angeles that find themselves mysteriously funded by an anonymous donor.

He's decent at guitar and piano!

In TRT the incident where his childhood dog was killed by a boar is mentioned. In his attempts to rescue his dog, he got thrown aside into a tree - that injury caught up with him later, which is why Matt notices arthritis in his knee and an altered stance when scanning him over!

Ciro and Natasha Romanoff know each other through (sketchy) business and are on friendly terms.

He's the eldest of his siblings (1 brother and 2 sisters).

He didn't always plan on being a crime lord but after running face-first into some governmental/legal corruption as a teenager, his thought process was roughly along the lines of, 'I could do better than them.' He likes to think he's kept his promise - there are a surprising number of people in his city, especially in certain neighborhoods, who tend to look to the Ferryman's justice and authority first over the police or legal system. His punishments are often cruel, hard, and unforgiving, but if you follow his laws and keep your mouth shut, you generally don't have much to worry about, and because he minimizes collateral damage and invests in the neighborhoods (to encourage loyalty if nothing else), most are happy to look the other way.

He 'introduced' himself to SHIELD by mailing a few specific agents the tongues of HYDRA operatives, complete with coins, after those operatives attempted to Fuck Around in Los Angeles and quickly Found Out. One of those SHIELD agents happened to be Phil Coulson. The two have a bi-yearly, location-randomized coffee meetup, which is how Ciro wound up with Agent Thompson's card after Coulson vouched for her record!

#ciro leone #i love ciro and i have a mountain of backstory on him and basically no place in the story so it just sits here #in my head #i fully plan if i turn TRT into an AU book series one day #tehre will be a book or two JUST for Ciro because he deserves one #the red thread

[mypoisonedvine]

another idea for dr crane but i'm afraid it might be too similar to thoughtless so please just ignore if it is!!: from personal experience, being a patient of his who is seeing him bc of sexual trauma. fear of penetration due to previous sexual assault. and ofc he's all about exposure therapy. and you wanna trust him so so bad bc he wants what's best for you, he's encouraging you ("you deserve to embrace your sexuality, you get past this one barrier and you're free"), but you start to fight back. and he takes personal offense bc he's your doctor, why don't you trust his expertise? but then it starts to feel good~

idk i picture reader trying with a toy in front of him but he gets impatient sees she's struggling with going that extra step further so he takes control either with the toy or himself.

warnings: not actually that dark (I mean, it is cause he's her therapist lol but he's not nonconning her) but still manipulation, slightly medical kink?, praise kink

(oops this turned out pretty long how did that happen? lmao)

"Did you try what we discussed last week?" he asked, and you pressed your knees together as you looked down and shook your head. "Really? You seemed very positive about it before."

"I was," you admitted. "It seemed really easy-- just sort of training myself, you know. But then I got home and... I guess it was a little overwhelming."

"Hm," he said, and you started to feel guilty for disappointing him. "That's interesting-- it seems like you were more comfortable here than at home. I figured it would be the other way around."

"Yeah, that would make more sense, I guess," you shrugged, "but-- I dunno..."

"Do you want to try again?" he wondered.

"I do," you admitted, "but I'm nervous that I'll start panicking again..."

"Then why don't you try here?"

You tensed up at just the suggestion; "Wouldn't that be... I mean, isn't that...?"

"I'm a medical doctor," he reminded you with a chuckle, "I've seen much worse. This is simply part of your treatment. I want you to get better."

You took a deep breath, nodding. "Okay," you decided. "Okay, I can try it."

"Great," he smiled, uncrossing his legs and resetting his clipboard in his lap. "We agreed before that you'd be more comfortable with your fingers than silicone dilators, is that still--?"

"Yes," you interrupted, "definitely. Feels too... clinical, otherwise."

He nodded, and there was a brief silence.

"So, do I just... start?"

"I'd like you to try," he said gently.

You noticed that his gaze never broke away from you, but you looked down into your lap as you started to slowly spread your legs. "So I just.. reach under my dress?"

"That should be fine," he encouraged. "There's nothing to be afraid of-- this is a safe space."

You nodded in agreement, pulling up your dress enough to reach into your panties. Sighing, you tried not to let nerves get the better of you as you pushed your lips apart with your fingers. But still, the anxiety was bubbling up, and you pressed the tip of your finger to your hole only to feel resistance alongside your distress. "I-- I don't think I can--"

"It's alright," he soothed, "start with the outside first-- stimulate your clitoris."

You choked on a laugh, still too nervous to look at him. "You really are a medical doctor..."

"What, too formal?" he chuckled. "Alright... rub your clit."

That shocked you even more than the clinical language; but it made you pulse inside, too. "O-okay..."

You pressed your fingers against the bud, trying to rub it, but it didn't really feel like anything-- like rubbing your elbow or something. Jonathan corrected you right away: "Not so hard," he said, "start gently."

"Sorry," you breathed, shutting your eyes.

"No-- it's fine," he assured, "I just want to help."

He was right, though; when you lessened the pressure and gently rubbed in circles, it started to feel good-- slowly, but surely. When your next breath came out shaky, you heard him hum with satisfaction.

"Is that better?" he asked.

"Yes," you answered, but you didn't mean for it to be a moan.

"I think you're ready," he informed you-- and something about his voice, it was lower than before, it was different... it was making you wet.

"Ready... for what?" you whispered, daring to open your eyes and see the darkness in his expression as he watched you.

"Ready to fuck yourself with your fingers."

"Oh," you sighed, feeling like you'd been punched in the gut-- in the best possible way. "Okay..."

"Just one to start," he encouraged, "put a finger inside yourself, nice and slow."

You sighed as you pressed the finger up to your hole again, smiling as you realized it was more open-- and wet-- than before. You gently pressed in further, finding some pressure but pushing through it until you were knuckle deep in yourself. You smiled happily; "I did it," you breathed, "oh my god, I-- I never thought I'd--"

"Don't stop," he cooed, "move it back and forth. If you do well enough, you can add a second finger."

You figured he meant it that you would be able to add a second finger, but it almost sounded like a bargain, like a reward. Do what I say and I'll let you add a second, or something. Surely that wasn't what he meant.

"A little faster," he encouraged as you pumped the finger. "That's it, very good."

You whimpered, biting down on your lip to hide your moan. You wanted him to say that again, to tell you that you were doing this correctly.

"Add the second now," he instructed, his own voice suddenly sounding a little hoarse and needy. "Stretch yourself out-- and tell me how it feels."

"It feels good," you panted as you started to add your second finger, whining at the stretch. "Fuck, I-- will they both fit?"

He chuckled a little-- a low, rough sound-- and promised you: "Yes, they'll fit. You can take a lot more than two fingers, with some patience."

You hadn't even imagined being able to do more than this-- for years, you hadn't been able to put anything inside you, and now here you were... fingering yourself in front of your therapist. "How much more?" you wondered, hardly imagining how it could be possible.

There was a long, long pause; you worried he hadn't heard you. Looking at him again, you found him watching with a tight jaw.

"How much more can I take, Dr. Crane?" you asked again.

"You can take anything I give you," he answered tensely.

A shiver ran up your spine; "F-fuck," you whimpered, and your walls pulsed around your fingers.

"You're going to come, aren't you?" he noticed, and you nodded. "Good."

You gasped.

"Very good," he egged you on, seeing the effect it had on you; your head tilted back as you pushed your fingers into yourself faster. "You're doing very well for me-- now I just need to see you come. I just need you to make yourself come."

"Yes, yes," you chanted, hips rocking, moans growing louder. "It feels good-- fuck, Doctor, I--"

"I know," he soothed, "just let it happen. Keep going. Come for me."

It hit you all at once, a heavy and numbing feeling that left you shaking on his couch; he purred out his praises, telling you how good you were doing, and it only made the feeling stronger.

When you exhausted yourself, you stilled; there was a moment of silence, just your panting filling the air, until you found the strength to meet his gaze again. He was smiling at you sweetly, looking oddly similar to how he always did at the end of a session. "That was incredible progress," he said proudly. "You should be very impressed with yourself."

You sighed as you nervously pulled your fingers out of yourself. "I-- do you have a tissue I can wipe these with?" you asked nervously.

"No need," he said, "you should taste it."

"Wh-what?" you choked out, your face even warmer than before.

"Just taste it-- I think you'll like it," he encouraged.

Though you hesitated for a second, you brought your wet fingers to your lips and gently licked off some of the sticky substance left behind.

"What do you think?" he asked.

"It's sort of strange," you admitted.

"It's an acquired taste," he shrugged, making your heart pound as you realized just from the look in his eyes that this was absolutely a taste he'd acquired... then again, there must have been a reason that he knew even better than you how to touch yourself and make you come.

Then, it was impossible not to imagine what he's like when he does this off the clock-- the way he touches and pleasures the women he takes to bed. You imagined him with his fingers inside lace panties, whispering in her ear about how good she was being for him; you imagined him pushing two inside and promising to give her more; you imagined him making her come, over and over, until he's satisfied and brings those soaked fingers to his lips and calling her delicious.

And even though you tried not to picture who that woman would be, you couldn't help but wonder if he'd like a woman like you... if you were the type he'd do that to, if you weren't his patient.

"Thank you," you blurted out. "I never thought I'd be able to... thank you. It's been a long time since I was able to feel that."

He nodded. "Thank you for trusting me," he replied. Glancing at the clock, he sighed a little through a polite smile: "Oh, look at that, we're out of time for today. This has been a really excellent session."

"Yeah," you agreed as you both stood up, "definitely."

"And next week, we can discuss the next steps in your recovery."

You raised your eyebrows when you heard that, already almost halfway out of the office. "Next steps?" you noticed.

"Yes," he agreed, "you made great progress, but there's still so much more for you to learn."

#jonathan crane fic #jonathan crane smut #jonathan crane x reader #cillian murphy x reader #cillian murphy smut #scarecrow x reader

[koolades-world]

Can you do headcanons on MC being blind but then by some sort of accident or something MC suddenly gets their eyesight back?

I just imagine that MC would be so overwhelmed at first. They’re not use to seeing all these colors 😔

Also the brothers + others would probably look completely different from how they imagined them lol

Nah imagine they go back to earth and because it’s so bright because the earth actually has sun there so they constantly have to wear glasses everywhere 💀

Please and thank you 🙏🙏🙏

hi!! sure thing!

actually, I learnt that with the power of science (and gene therapy), this is possible to an extent! it's for a very specific condition that I'm pretty sure occurs during childhood due to a recessive trait that causes retina cells to die off. it's called Leber congenital amaurosis. if the correct dominant gene is inserted into the eyes, which are a great place to insert them since they're small and direct, the person can regain vision! cool, right??? really wanted to share this with someone other than the people who've already heard me ramble about it

now that you have something cool to tell your friends, please enjoy!

Mc that regains their vision after being blind

Lucifer

very upset with solomon (please see the end lol) but he softens once he sees the recognition that you're looking at such a familiar voice clicked in your face

the first to give you a tour around house before his brothers can argue about it and sweeps you off your feet to give you an arial view of the devildom

also takes the chance to give you a tour of the demon lord's palace

he takes this chance to shower you in even more finery and take you out to do more fancy, fun stuff

Mammon

he seems more emotional about it than you do

tries to hide it but he's almost in tears and hugging you really tight

he's so happy for you and gets excited about all the little things with you

still uses every chance to hold your hand even though it's not necessary <3

Levi

he wasn't present when you got home with the news, but he almost drops the boba he bought for the both of you when you tell him he has pretty eyes

together, you rewatch all of your favorite shows and replay all of your favorite games so you can reexperience everything

he thinks it's very refreshing to see your new outlook on things

he can't wait to show you how great all the conventions are!

Satan

he can't help but take in every moment of your newfound curiosity and help you out at every step of the way

he answers any and all questions you might have

he's relieved (and a little flustered) to hear he's just as handsome as you'd imagined him and that he and lucifer were very different in your mind

reading is your new favorite hobby together since now you can enjoy any book in his collection without the need of a spell

Asmo

he's literally squealing one he hears the news

he can't wait to show you his room and all of the shiny things he loves

fashion show!!! helps you discover what your favorite color and pattern is

if there's something you don't like about your room, he will help you change it until you do

Beel

he hadn't realized how much he'd taken sight for granted until he met you, and now, he was going to help you along every step of the way of getting used to seeing

he walks you to each of your classes and shows you the route you've been used to taking

listens to you and your rants about how great your new favorite color is

once you're more comfortable with seeing, he takes you on nature hikes to see what he thinks is some of the most beautiful sights

Belphie

like mammon, he also won't admit he's a little emotional

while the two of you do have a moment where you stare into his eyes for a while, admiring them, you immediately question his hairstyle afterwards

after this though, he makes more of an effort to stay awake for longer and to sweep his hair out of his face

he takes the time to finally show you his favorite hidden spot to nap in the garden so you can see it for yourself

Solomon (bonus!)

this is 100% his doing, purposeful or not

the first person you see when you see for the first time, leading to a very cute, personal moment

you do tell him you didn't actually think he looked like an old man but the white hair didn't help

not wanting to be alone to break the news to the brothers, and especially luci, you do it together and you keep them from jumping him for using experimental magic

#obey me #obey me! #obey me x reader #obey me satan #obey me mammon #obey me asmo #obey me beel #obey me levi #obey me belphie #obey me lucifer #obey me solomon #omswd #obey me! shall we date #obey me shall we date

[the-boy-meets-evil]

some habits are hard to break | feat. jungkook

(where you know that jungkook is the last person you should keep running back to, but neither of you can seem to let the other go.)

pairing: jungkook x fem!reader genre: angst, smut, est. relationship rating: explicit, minors DNI word count: ~12.5k warnings: the relationship isn't healthy (but they're very human), miscommunications, misplaced hope, bad habits, unhealthy coping mechanisms, cheating (reader on unnamed boyfriend), mentions of past trauma (reader), mentions of therapy, mentions of mental health struggles (reader), explicit smut: unprotected sex (don't do this), fingering (f. receiving), oral sex (f. receiving), handjob, semi public sex (behind a closed door at a club), teasing, hair pulling, light choking, i think that's it but let me know if i missed anything

a/n: she is finally here! i did not expect this fic to take me this long, but here we are. thank you to one of my favorite humans @ugh-yoongi for reading this over and assuring me they weren't terrible, just human. this story feels personal to me so that was reassuring.

a/n 2: lauren has asked for a pt 2, so i’ll be writing that after i get through both my collabs due in august 💕 banner/divider credit: my bby @classicscreations who always comes through tagging: @pjmparadise @axialitae

Every single thought is the same. You know better than to send the text sitting on your phone. You know precisely why it’s wrong. You know that nothing is ever going to change.

Here’s the thing. You’re in a healthy, stable relationship with someone who’s good to you and for you. He’s honest and caring, funny and sweet. Despite all of your baggage, he never makes you feel less than, never makes you feel broken. This is the first time in your life that you’ve been able to lay all your shit on the table and have someone accept it unconditionally. And he always does what he says he’s going to. You’re never up waiting at 2 in the morning, wondering where he is because he hasn’t called or texted.

So, yeah, things with him are good, great even.

But…

And that’s the thing, isn’t it? As soon as there’s a but, it’s like you can’t see all of the good. It’s all just a placeholder before what may be the worst three-letter word in the English language. You wonder if it means there’s just something fundamentally wrong with you. Who looks for the “buts” of every situation? Why can’t you just appreciate all the truly wonderful things in your relationship?

Because you’ve had the one thing you’re missing. You know it exists and it’s hard to forget.

Your boyfriend is great, perfect, even, in almost every way that matters. It’s just, you’re not exactly…satisfied. And you know that you could guide him to be better for you in that way. He just seems a bit sensitive about it at times and you don’t want to make him feel less than since he never does that to you.

This is exactly why you’re staring at your phone. Paralyzed because you both want to send the text and know you really can’t. Your body remembers his, remembers the way the slightest touch sent your heart racing. You try to also remember every word he’s ever uttered to you, too, because he’s always been very clear about who he is.

It’s fucked up that you’re even considering it, beyond wrong that you typed those 5 words out in an empty conversation thread. (Even though you usually keep every conversation, you deleted this one after you got serious about your boyfriend. You say it’s to keep the temptation away, but really, how well is that working now?)

You: what are you up to?

Just like that, your need to fill your desires wins out against every other rational thought you have. Part of you hopes that he doesn’t respond. It’s been months since you last spoke and you know he’s got a short attention span. Maybe he’ll spare you having to make a final decision.

Jungkook: out getting some drinks with friends

He doesn’t. His answer comes in far quicker than you expect it to and you get that same feeling in your stomach. Like anticipation mixed with desire. You’re so fucked.

Jungkook: what are you up to?

Tomorrow you’ll look back and realize this is a chance to bow out, to realize that this is a mistake. That you hadn’t sealed your fate when you sent the first message. You could still just bow out and walk away, leave the message unanswered.

You don’t.

You: nothing, just at home alone Jungkook: what about the boyfriend? You: away for work

You know that you should feel bad now. A normal person might realize that this was destructive behavior, that you’re purposely sabotaging your own long-term happiness for instant gratification. At least, that’s what your therapist tells you.

Jungkook: I can be home in 15 minutes, I’m just around the corner

The message is really your last chance, whether you consciously think about it or not. There was no preamble with Jungkook. He assumes you’re texting him so you can come over. And he’s right, isn’t he? You weren’t exactly texting to catch up with someone you weren’t ever friends with anyway. No, you’re both adults and you know what this is. Just like you’ve always known.

You: give me 30 and I’ll be over

Was there really any other outcome? From the moment you opened Jungkook’s contact to start a text, this was the inevitable end. You can pretend that you have control and you were on the fence. But, you know the truth, and so does Jungkook. He knows it from the moment your name appears on his lock screen. This only ends one way, the same way it’s ended countless times before.

Thirty minutes later, after cleaning up and getting dressed, you stand on Jungkook’s doorstep. There’s a moment where you genuinely question if this is smart. Smart is the wrong word, you think. Of course, this is fucking stupid. You could ask 100 people and every single one of them would probably tell you to turn around. So no, this isn’t smart.  The real question is if you’re going to do it anyway.

Jungkook opens the door before you even knock and the question dies. There he is, in baggy sweatpants and a t-shirt, like the true fuckboy you know he is, and your body remembers. It remembers every kiss, every touch, every tremble. It starts to react without your permission.  By the smirk he’s wearing, you can tell Jungkook remembers too.

“Right on time,” he says, leaning against the door frame like he needs the support.

“Are we gonna have a whole conversation out here?” It’s a challenge and a mistake all rolled into one.

He doesn’t answer, just moves aside so that you can step past him. There’s a moment, as you’re stepping past him and glancing around his apartment, of nerves. Of wondering what the fuck is going on. But his apartment hasn’t changed, not that you expected it to, and neither has he.

“Want anything to drink?” he asks, moving around you to the kitchen. He looks back over his shoulder at you, a confident smirk on his lips. “We could do a couple shots.”

“Trying to get me drunk?” you wonder. Still, you follow him into the kitchen.

“No, definitely not.” His answer is swift and his eyes roam over you, appraising. “You just seem a little on edge.”

“Wonder why that is,” you huff out.

Jungkook leans back against the counter, eyes still trained on you. “If you don’t want to be here…”

“I didn’t say that either,” you respond.

There’s this weird tension settling between the two of you and you’re not really sure what to do about it. Not really sure how to get out of your head for even a second. That’s when you feel Jungkook’s hands on your hips, pulling you back against his body where he still leans against the counter.

“I don’t want you to feel pressured,” he says and dips his head to kiss along your jawline.

“I don’t,” you respond.

“Do you want me to stop?” he whispers against your skin as he continues to kiss down your neck.

The only thing that comes out for a second is a hum when Jungkook lightly sucks at the base of your neck where it meets your collarbone. “No.”

“Are you sure?” He’s pulled back now and looking you directly in the eye.

You take a breath and then another when your heart starts to speed up. The only thoughts are of his lips on yours, his fingers grazing along your body. Slowly your fingers trail up his arms and he doesn’t move at all. Just watches you and waits for you to make your decision. Leaves it all up to you.

So you do the only thing you can, the only thing you were going to do once you sent that text. You let your fingers find purchase in his hair and you press your lips hard against his. He’s turning the two of you around in an instant so it’s you pressed into the counter. The kiss is hard and desperate, like you’ve both been starved and this is the only way to solve that. His hands feel like they’re everywhere and it’s still not enough, not completely what you need. Nobody has ever set your body on fire just from kissing the way Jungkook does. It’s bliss the way your brain goes almost silent except for thoughts of him. And you know he’s just as turned on, can feel it in the way he’s pressing against you.

Jungkook kisses down your neck again and you don’t even bother to hold back the moan. When you feel him lightly sucking into your skin before pulling away, part of you wishes he’d do it harder. Wishes he’d leave a mark. Wishes for something to show what you’re doing here tonight without you having to say it. He doesn’t, though, and you know he wouldn’t even if you asked.

Instead he pulls away, smirks at your whimper from the lack of contact, and reaches for the hem of your shirt. He’s still asking permission, so you give it. Your shirt and bra disappear in record time and his mouth is back on. Softly kissing down the space between your breasts and across the underside of one. It’s too much, the way he knows exactly what you need, the way his lip ring teases you as he moves across your skin, the way he stops to just look at you when he knows he’s driving you crazy.

Well, you think, two can play at that game. Before he even realizes what you’re doing, you’re spitting into your hand and reaching inside his sweats and boxers (since he’s annoyingly still clothed). You’re slowly dragging your hand along his length, moving painfully slowly. He groans when you slide your thumb over his tip and pulls back.

“Fuck,” he says and slowly pulls your hand out.

“What?” you ask, actually confused.

“Come on, I can’t fuck you against this counter but if we don’t get out of here, I’m gonna try,” he says and pulls you along into the bedroom.

Jungkook kisses you hard and lightly pushes you back onto the bed. You prop yourself up to watch him quickly undress. You love watching the way his muscles contract with each movement, love the lean lines of his body, absolutely love everything about him. If he sees you watching him, which you’re sure he does, he doesn’t say anything. Instead he leans over you, kisses you hard again as he pulls your pants and underwear off nearly in one motion.

“Eager,” you taunt.

“You won’t be saying that when you can’t walk tomorrow,” he says.

Before you can answer, Jungkook is flipping you over so that you’re on your hands and knees, pressing down on your back so your ass is in the air. You’re a little surprised, because usually he takes his time with you. Not that you’re complaining. He moves on the bed and then you hear a bottle opening seconds before you feel the cold liquid at your entrance. He may be a lot of things, but he always makes sure you’re taken care of.

Despite his words, he still slides into you slowly and lets you adjust to him. His hands grip your hips tightly as he rolls his hips into you almost carefully, like he’s not sure if you’re adjusted. It’s bordering on painful that he’s so still.

“Fuck Jungkook, move,” you whine.

“What’s that?” he asks.

“Just fuck me, please fuck me,” you beg and you hear the low chuckle.

“Thought you’d never ask,” he says and snaps into you hard.

“Fuckkkkkk,” you draw out.

Removing one hand from your hip, he presses you back down into the mattress. You arch your back further so he has a better angle and let the pillow muffle your moans. It mixes with his own groans and the slap of his skin against yours every time he buries himself fully inside you. There’s something frantic about it and you’re sure this is what you’ve been missing. Sure this is what you need. He removes his hand from your hip again and roughly slaps your ass.

“Oh my god, Jungkook,” you yell.

He slaps your other ass cheek and it makes you scream out again. Yes, this is what you need. Someone to be a little rougher with you. Someone who doesn’t treat you like you’re going to break or worry if you can take it because he knows. He knows exactly what you can take and exactly what you like. Him pulling on your hair is only further proof of that.

And then he’s pulling you to him, so that your back is against his chest. The new angle has him hitting deeper inside you, reaching that spot that nearly has you seeing stars. Jungkook moves his hand out of your hair around your neck, gripping lightly.

“Do you like that, baby?” he whispers roughly in your ear.

“Yes,” you moan out.

“Because I fuck you the best,” he continues.

“Jungkook, fuck, just fucking choke me, please,” you beg, unbothered by how much you’re begging him.

That doesn’t need any answer from him beyond his fingers tightening around your throat. It’s the perfect pressure too, just like every other time he’s choked you while fucking. It makes you feel a little lightheaded but also like everything feels that much more amplified. Every hard thrust into your cunt pushes you closer to the edge. Every breath sounds louder. Everything is just more.

He also knows your body to know when you’re close. You almost whine when he removes his hand from your throat because you felt like you were about to come. And then he rubs a thumb over your clit, continues to make sure you come first, like always.

“Fuck, fuck, I’m gonna come,” you shout.

“Come on baby, I wanna feel you come,” he says into your ear.

It’s the only permission you need as you let go. Somewhere, in the haze of your high, you can tell that he’s coming too, that his release comes just after yours. It’s all you can do not to slump against his body, though. His arms are strong around you as he pulls out so that both of you can lay down on the bed.

A few minutes later, after he’s cleaned you both off and you’re lying together in bed, you wonder how you’re going to extract yourself. You’ve never really felt awkward around him, so you’re not really sure why you do now.

“I should be going,” you say and start to sit up.

Jungkook is quick to pull you back down. He meets your look of confusion with nothing but desire. You think, not for the first time, it’s the kind of look that you drown in. The kind of look that ruins you.

“And just where do you think you’re going?” he asks.

“Home?” you offer.

“Why?” he fires back.

“I don’t know, Jungkook, we already fucked,” you say. Part of you is a little exasperated at having to spell it out.

“Do you really think I’m going to let you leave here when I haven’t even tasted you?” he asks.

Fuck.

(He follows through with exactly what he says. It’s slow and measured, like he wants to pull apart every thread you have one by one. Like he wants to ruin you for anyone that isn’t him. Like he doesn’t know he already has.

The lip ring is new since the last time you fucked him and you’re not sure if you’ll even be able to tell when he’s between your legs. Until you’re praising him so loudly you’re sure his neighbors must hear. Or maybe it’s just because he’s so good at getting you off. Even if tonight, he takes his time, brings you to the edge over and over before finally letting you slip over.

It’s the early hours of the morning by the time you’re both worn out. You offer to call a ride, only to have him insist you stay. It’s much too late to be going anywhere when he’d be worried if you were safe or not. So you stay and it’s the best sleep you’ve gotten in awhile.)

The wait is excruciating. Your boyfriend comes home tonight and it’s terrible timing, you know, but you also know that you have to tell him what happened. It isn’t fair to him to just go on without knowing. He’s one of the kindest people in the world, doesn’t deserve this. He’s not broken like you, something you’ve pointed out since the beginning. Maybe those intrusive thoughts were right and you just aren’t built for healthy relationships.

Although you haven’t told many of your friends what happened, you had to confide in a few. Each of them tells you that you shouldn’t tell him what happened. They say that it’s just one of those things where confessing might make you feel better, but it’ll only make him feel shitty. It’s hard to know how he’ll feel. Shitty is probably fair. But, you think they’re wrong about how you’ll feel. Getting this off your chest will just replace one weight with another. Wanting to come clean isn’t about clearing your own conscience. It’s about honesty and him having the ability to make an informed decision.

It actually goes far better than you thought, somehow. He’s hurt, how could he not be? Despite that, he’s calm in the conversation. Instead of breaking it off there and then, which is what you expect, he suggests taking a step back. It’ll allow the relationship to be less defined and maybe less serious. You can’t really believe it when he says that he’s there to work things out with you and give you the space to figure out what you need. It breaks your heart a little bit more, somehow, to see him so patient with you. You don’t deserve it.

Instead of seeing this as a failure, he wants you to see it for what he sees it as. This is just a slip, a step back. There’s been so much trauma in your life that it’s natural for you to have moments where you slip. He’s hurt, yes, he’ll admit that, but he’s not angry with you. At the end of the day, he genuinely cares for you and he’s willing to do whatever it is the both of you need in order to move forward. You both agree that therapy as a couple might be important. However, he insists that it can wait while you sort through how you’re feeling.

Overall, you think you feel okay about it. Things will look different with him for the time being, but you can actually see past this moment in time. That’s new for you. You’re feeling hopeful for the future and you even let yourself imagine a future with him in it. Maybe this isn’t the end of the world after all. Maybe this is just something you actually needed to close a chapter.

Weeks go by. Therapy is back to being once a week, sometimes twice when the sessions fit into your work schedule, and you do trust this therapist. Really, you do. She listens to everything you say and interjects in meaningful ways. It’s clear that she’s actually listening to you and giving you genuine feedback, rather than some previous therapists that only asked how something made you feel. Sitting in that office has forced you to face a lot of deep-seated issues, everything from your childhood to past relationships to the deepest recesses of your mind. Sometimes you don’t really want to relive those moments, but she’s always done a good job of explaining why you need to do the work.

But…

And there it is, again, that stupid three-letter word that brings everything to a screeching halt.

Despite all your therapist’s work, there’s a part of you that doesn’t see the future anymore. Therapy is wonderful and you’re actually really thankful you found this therapist. You’re sleeping better, you feel lighter, and the world doesn’t feel like it’s going to crush you every day. Maybe she’s a little too good at her job, though, because you’re wondering how to move forward. Your boyfriend is perfect…for someone. And you’re not sure anymore if that someone is you.

It’s been weeks and he’s still just content to take the backseat while you do whatever work you need to do. It’s stupid, you know it’s stupid, but you want him to fight for you. You want to see that he is actually upset over what happened with Jungkook. It’s not healthy, you know that and your therapist reminds you it’s not healthy. You’re doing everything you can to make your brain catch up that it’s not healthy. You can’t shake it, though. All the doubts and insecurities creep back in when he still doesn’t seem bothered.

So you do the only thing you can think of, the thing your therapist disagrees with. Well, disagrees with the reasoning, not with the idea itself. You break off the relationship. He tries to approach it in such a way that leaves the door open for you both to come back to it down the road. You don’t want loose ends, so you lie. It hurts to see his face crumble when you say you just don’t love him and he should find someone that does. It’s cruel. You hate yourself for doing it. But you think it’s easier this way. This is too comfortable and you don’t want to string him along.

Then, you make the second decision your therapist disagrees with and text Jungkook. After seeing she can’t make you see her perspective on the break-up, she suggests spending some time alone to learn more about yourself. That’s terrifying. If she could hear your thoughts, surely she would not suggest leaving you alone with them. They’re intrusive and self-sabotaging and just loud, so loud.

Unsurprisingly, Jungkook is happy to hear from you, happier still to know that you’re unattached again. Not that he minds being discreet, he’s happy to confine things to the four walls of his apartment. It’s just that he also likes to get you dressed up and go out. He’s always liked having someone pretty on his arm, even if he’s just at some local sports bar.

That’s not where you end up tonight, though. Your head is especially loud and you want some quiet. Need to get lost in something other than the potential mess you’re making of your life. When Jungkook suggests a club a friend of his owns, you say yes before he even finishes asking. The place is familiar to you and it’s perfect, in all its noise, low lighting, and crowded spaces. There’s no better way (at least as far as you know) of quieting your brain than going somewhere even louder.

It’s easy to get lost, several drinks in, as you press your back into Jungkook on the dance floor. The tight dress that seemed like such a good idea rides up your thighs now, with a little help from the light sheen of sweat covering your body and a little more help from Jungkook’s hands that grip you tightly.

Everything is familiar. You’ve been here before, to this exact club with Jungkook, more than once. And it’s the kind of easy you’re looking for now. As his hand inches further up your thigh, you press further back into him, looking to erase any space between the two of you. Tonight is just to forget and Jungkook is excellent at that.

Maybe if you were a little less drunk, you would stop his hand. You are in public, after all. As it is, you really don’t care. He likes to tease, gets off knowing someone may see, and you’re not in the mood to put a stop to it. Tonight, he seems even more daring than usual. He lets his thumb graze the thin layer of fabric at your core, likely feeling how much you want him. You shudder as his warm breath tickles your ear.

“There’s a storage closet in the back that might be unlocked,” he says, voice low with desire.

And that’s new because you’re certain that of all the times you’ve fucked Jungkook, none of them have been at the club. It’s been close, getting a little carried away under the table in one of the VIP booths, running his hand up your shirt on the dance floor, but you’ve never fucked him here. You’re also a little too tipsy to register that at the moment when all you want is him.

It’s too loud for you to answer him so you just squeeze his hand and nod. That’s all the permission he needs, anyway. Before you can give it a second thought, he’s pulling you off the dance floor and down a hallway. He looks around like he’s not completely sure where he’s going and then sees a door.

The door opens and you’re both in without another thought. Jungkook crowds your space, pressing you against the closed door and stealing your gasp with his lips on yours. Your hands find purchase in his slightly shaggy hair and one of his hands digs into your hip, holding you firmly in place. Like there’s anywhere else you would rather be in that moment.

From the moment his lips make contact with yours, you remember why you ignored your therapist and walked away from your relationship. It’s just a kiss, granted a pretty heated one, but still. It’s just a kiss and your whole body is alive in a way it hasn’t been since the last time you were with him. As he trails kisses across your jaw and down your neck, you can feel the heat he leaves behind with each touch.

Jungkook also never makes you feel self-conscious about the way your body responds to him. Not that your boyfriend, ex-boyfriend now, ever said anything about your moans, but he was also really quiet in bed. And you stopped reacting as much, because it wasn’t the best part of your relationship. Not that you want to be dwelling on that now. Not as Jungkook is working his way down your body, clearly just as turned on as you, eliciting soft moans as he goes.

When he drops to his knees in front of you, you think you may really be done for. He lifts one of your legs and rests it on his shoulder, your dress hiking up around your hips in the process. You lean back against the door for support as his tongue makes contact through the thin fabric. It’s another tease, a Jungkook specialty, and you find you don’t much care. Thankfully, he quickly moves the fabric to the side. The movements of his tongue, fast and slow and fast again, are perfect. Your brain goes blank, just the kind of blank you need. No thoughts except for his tongue on you and the bliss of it. Even the thud of the bass out in the club dulls to background noise. Every one of your senses is present in this moment in a way you haven’t been lately.

His movements quicken and you knot your hands in his hair both to find purchase and to let him know that you’re close. Not that it’s hard to tell by the increase in your moans. He knows what he’s doing and he knows that he’s got you on the edge. You want to tell him that you want to feel him inside you and can’t make yourself speak the words. A second later it doesn’t matter. He slides one finger in, then quickly adds another and your brain goes fuzzy.

He pushes you over the edge too fast, you want to savor more of this moment, more of him. You register that somewhere in your bliss coming down from the orgasm. You need more of him, more contact, more of whatever it is that makes your brain go quiet. You’re catching your breath and refocusing when you notice his pants down around his ankles. Did he get that hard just from getting you off? He’s already pulling a condom on and you’re almost relieved.

“You didn’t think I was done with you yet, did you?” His confidence drips off of him when he’s like this and you wish you were the kind of girl who had something witty to say back. You wish, at least now, that he didn’t affect you like this.

Instead, all you do is shake your head at him. You don’t trust yourself to speak and he doesn’t seem to mind. In one movement, he puts his hands on the back of your thighs and picks you up, still keeping you pressed against the door. The next second, he’s slowly sliding into you, letting you adjust. It’s the only break he gives you before setting a fast pace. Your legs tighten around him and your nails dig into his back. You’re sure they would leave a mark if he didn’t have a shirt on. Part of you hopes maybe they still will.

One of the best parts about Jungkook is that he doesn’t ever need to ask what you want, he just seems to know. He knows what you like and when you want something faster like this or when to take his time. It’s like he’s mapped your body with the way he’s able to hit just the right spots in just the right way.

Your head rolls back against the door, eyes closed and brain numb. Even then, he manages to bring you back to him, kissing up your neck until you meet his lips. The kiss is messy, capturing each of your moans as they escape. Jungkook’s grip on your thighs is as strong as the pace he’s setting and it isn’t long before you’re falling over the edge again.

A pleasant daze settles over you as you do your best to look presentable so that you can leave the club. (You don’t succeed and you definitely look just fucked, but the club is in full swing and the only people who might be able to tell are the poor workers that have to stay sober).

“Do you want to come back to my apartment?” Jungkook asks the question, one hand gripping yours while the other pulls up Uber on his phone to order a ride home.

And it’s kind of funny, how he asks like he doesn’t know the answer. In the time you’ve known him, Jungkook has been a lot of things, but he’s always been confident above all else. So it catches you off guard that he asks.

“As long as it’s okay with you,” you say and he smiles that easy smile.

“Of course,” he says.

You can’t really place the feeling that settles over you at such a small exchange, everything is crowded with the lingering effects of alcohol and sex. But something feels different and you think you like it. Almost like a part of you is waking up.

The next few weeks pass in somewhat of a blur. You’re happier than you can remember feeling in a while, much more fulfilled in all aspects of your life. Despite some reservations that your therapist has, you agree to start seeing her every other week unless something changes. You’re hoping to drop it back down to once a month but understand her hesitance to make such a big change so quickly. It would be a shame to ruin all that forward progress, after all.

Most of your free time is spent with Jungkook, a fact that your best friends are quick to point out with some version of the same cautionary advice. They want you to be careful, want you to remember your history with him, don’t want you to get ahead of yourself. It seems like they just don’t understand. Yeah, you and Jungkook have been here before, multiple times, but this is different and they just haven’t seen that.

Every other time led up to this. It took a relationship falling apart for you to realize that none of the other times with Jungkook were failures, they were just your “right person, wrong time” moments. Now the timing is right for both of you.

You knock on the door to his apartment, surprise take out in one hand, realizing belatedly that maybe you should have given him a warning of some sort. What if he was busy or had already eaten?

“Oh hey, what a nice surprise,” Jungkook answers with a smile as he steps aside to let you in.

Suddenly, you feel kind of silly for the momentary worry that showing up like this would be too much. Jungkook seems like he meets you at each point, so this shouldn’t be any different. It also helps that you’ve known each other for years and you know the way to his heart (through his stomach with only his favorite foods).

The whole thing feels surprisingly normal in a way you weren’t expecting. Jungkook makes small talk as he gets plates from the kitchen and sets them down for you to eat. He offers you a drink from the fridge, gets one for himself, and it’s just…easy. The whole thing with him is easy and you’re so thankful that you took this chance. As it turns out, he’s exactly what you need. Maybe he’s even the reason your last relationship ended the way it did. Not that you would ever say that. For all his outward strength and his image, Jungkook can be surprisingly sensitive. The last thing you’d want would be him feeling responsible for causing other people pain.

You’re not really sure why you do it, but you mention that your friends have a lot of warnings about the relationship. In what should be typical Jungkook fashion, he brushes it, reassures you that you know what’s happening and that’s all that matters. It doesn’t matter what your friends think because you’re both happy and living in the moment. You smile at that. This is definitely the best kind of happy.

Once you’ve gotten plates of food, you settle down together and Jungkook pulls up Netflix. He’s got a whole list of movies and shows that you can pick from, all things he wants to see or thinks you’d like, he tells you. And that’s sweet, isn’t it? That he sees something on Netflix and saves it in case you want to watch it together. It makes your heart constrict a little bit. It doesn’t feel like something you do with someone who’s only casual. Surely his thinking about you, when you aren’t around, is a positive sign.

You sigh happily and let him decide what it is he wants to watch. Not that the two of you ever really finish anything. It’s the thought that counts though. And Jungkook seems to be thinking of you. For a second you wonder if this is just the list he’s created for anyone he has over, you haven’t talked about seeing other people. Until you realize that most of them are thrillers. It’s your favorite genre but probably not good for generally inviting girls over. You really need to stop second-guessing everything with him.

Another few weeks go by as easily as breathing and that small part of you that’s waiting for the other shoe to drop gets even quieter. You’re not even thinking that this feels different anymore because it is different. Instead of late-night (or really any odd hour of the day) texts, you’re making actual plans on when you’re going to see each other. It doesn’t feel like a fuck buddy, it feels like someone you’re moving along with in a different way. There’s a lightness to every space of your life now, a lightness that looks a lot like Jungkook.

Of all the things Jungkook is good at, and there’s a lot, because he’s hyper-competitive and doesn’t like losing, cooking is decidedly not one. That suits you just fine, though. Cooking is an absolute favorite of yours and cooking for someone you care about makes it all that much better. It had taken a little more convincing for Jungkook agree to you coming over and cook for him, he didn’t want to be a bother, but you were glad to be here now.

“I know this isn’t really what we do, but I have a family wedding to go to, for my cousin, and I was wondering if you’d come with me? It’s kind of last minute, I know. I just wasn’t expecting to have to go alone,” you say and Jungkook puts down his fork. You’re nervous again and you’re not quite sure why.

“Sure, why not?” Jungkook says easily.

“Really?” The question is out before you can stop it.

“I like spending time with you,” Jungkook says, “we have fun.”

“We do, yeah,” you agree. “It’s just…it’s like 2 hours away, so I got a room. And you’d obviously need a suit.”

“This may come as a surprise, but I have been to a wedding or two before, so I have plenty of suits. And what kind of idiot would I be to turn down an overnight date with you?” Jungkook is smiling as he says this and it puts you at ease.

“It’s in 2 weeks, which is really soon,” you say. Jungkook pulls out his phone.

“Friday or Saturday wedding?” He’s looking through his calendar to see what he’s got going on.

“Saturday,” you say and he puts his phone down.

“That’s fine, I’ve got something going on Friday, but Saturday and Sunday are all yours,” Jungkook says.

Easy. Everything is just easy. You weren’t even really thinking of asking him to come to the wedding when you decided to cook for him. It just seemed like the right timing to ask and your cousin had just texted you that afternoon asking if she should change the seating chart. Although she said it wasn’t a big deal, you know she’s secretly going to be relieved to not change anything.

Not planning things also really is your motto these days. You weren’t planning to stay over at Jungkook’s when you offered to cook. Yet you wake up in his bed the next morning all the same, like it was a foregone conclusion the second you stepped over the threshold.

You figure now that Jungkook is coming with you to a family wedding as your date, that your friends will get off of your back about him. And most of them do. It’s been over two months of seeing him, which makes it feel more stable. Mostly, they’re happy if you’re happy and know you’re enough of an adult to handle your own life. Most days, at least. It’s just one of your closest friends that’s holding out. Not that he doesn’t like Jungkook, because he does, he’s just also been friends with you since you were kids and he’s seen how this has gone.

“It’s different, Jimin,” you say for what feels like the hundredth time.

“Have you had The Talk?” He doesn’t put quotes around it, but you can hear them in his tone anyway.

“No, we haven’t had The Talk,” you say, matching his tone. “We’re both adults, like actual adults, I don’t think it’s necessary.”

“This time around with him started with you cheating on your ex,” Jimin says in a not-so-subtle reminder. If it were anyone else, you would leave.

“Thanks, I remember,” you bite back.

“I love you, you know that. I just want to make absolutely sure you’re not going to get hurt with this. I need to know he’s in this as much as you are,” Jimin says.

“Can you ever really know that?” The question seems valid enough.

“No, everything in relationships is a calculated risk. But it’s on you to make sure you have all the numbers before doing the calculations,” Jimin says.

“Meaning?” You think you know what he means, but it’s best to be sure.

“Meaning,” Jimin says with faux exasperation, “that the talk will let you know where he stands and allow you to be on the same page. He could lie, but then that’s on him if you get hurt. If you get hurt now, when you haven’t had the talk, that’s on you.”

“Little harsh, Jiminie,” you say, using the nickname to try and soften him.

It doesn’t work and he just shrugs. “We’ve done this song and dance a few times, maybe too many times. I just don’t want to see this end badly.”

“Then have a little faith, he is coming to a family wedding,” you say.

“And some of the way the conversation went makes me a little uneasy,” Jimin admits.

“Just have some faith. This time is different, I can feel it,” you say.

There’s a lot more than Jimin wants to say, a lot more he wants you to hear. But he’s also known you for years and seen you through every one of the Jungkook phases. People change all the time, he knows that. As people grow, the things they want or need evolve. Until you have an actual chat with him, though, Jimin is not ready to say this time will be different. It’s silly because he also knows that you’re going to do what you want, you always have. Not in a bad way, you’re just very stubborn when it comes to listening to advice. All he can do is hope for the best and be there if you need a shoulder. He tries not to think when you need a shoulder. As much as he likes being right, he likes you a whole lot more and he wants this to work.

The wedding goes well, great even. Jungkook is a hot topic of conversation, with a number of your family members gushing over how attractive he is and how good you look together. It gives you a small amount of pride to hear it too, even if it shouldn’t. It’s also good to have someone to retreat to when your family gets overwhelming. The added benefit of them not knowing him is that you both can slip out of conversations much easier. He’s never met anyone in your family and they don’t have as many questions for him. You also did an excellent job of establishing that you and him are very early on in the relationship, so questions about getting more serious are off the table.

Staying in a hotel with Jungkook is also a much better experience than you thought. You’ve stayed at each other’s places countless times over the years, but you’ve never gone away somewhere together. Even though it’s only a few hours from home, everything feels different. Everything feels more intimate.  And there’s something to be said for hotel sex too. Everything is new and more exciting.

You reach out to Jimin the day after you get back to let him know how things went. And you’re a little surprised by his response. Instead of being excited for you that it’s going so well, he asks again if you’ve talked to Jungkook about where you are and where you’re going. It’s kind of a buzzkill and you’re quick to tell him so. But Jimin is stubborn too.

Jimin: I love you, you’re my best friend in the entire world, but I’m scared you’re going to end up hurt Jimin: I’ll be here to celebrate once you talk to him and I’ll say sorry when it’s all cleared up, but until then, I can’t fully support it

That hurts. It’s like he doesn’t realize that in not wanting Jungkook to hurt you, he’s hurting you instead. You shake that thought off as quickly as it comes, though. It’s not his intention to hurt you and somewhere deep down, you know he’s making sense. Jimin has been your go-to person for everything in your life since a matter of months into the friendship. The two of you were able to click in a way you haven’t really experienced with anyone else. So yeah, maybe, on some level, you get where he’s coming from and maybe you’ll understand later. Not right now, though. Right now you’re just hurt and a little angry at your best friend for not supporting you the way you want him to.

(Jimin, to his credit, does think he’s supporting you. It may not be in the way you want him to and you may not see it, but it’s the way he needs to support you. There’s a moment where he thinks that he’s the friend you deserve, just not the one you need right now. So he’ll let you be mad at him as long as you need to. Or maybe he’s been watching Dark Knight too much lately.)

This is where you know you’re not always the best at being an adult. Whether Jimin is right or not becomes irrelevant because you’re more concerned with not letting him win. It’s like he tells you something and you have to do the opposite, just because. Which, really, that’s probably something you need to address in therapy. It’s probably not a healthy approach, but it’s where you’re at for now.

Things feel…a little different. Not good different, either. At first, you were positive that it was just the lingering effects of Jimin being Jimin. Even when he’s not speaking to you, since this is not the first time he’s done this, he’s very loud. But days go by and the pit in your stomach only gets deeper. You can’t separate your own thoughts and anxieties to see if anything with Jungkook is actually different.

When you stop to think about it, though, everything with Jungkook should be different. It’s been around three months now. Three months of you spending a truly absurd amount of time together. Three months of movie nights in, dinners out, random trips to the park. Three months of ending up in each other’s bed every time you went over. Three months of you not seeing anyone else. Was he seeing other people, though? Surely not. Would there really even be time?

But…

That nasty word coming up to haunt you again. But, could you really make any assumptions where another person was involved? After all, your ex had no reason to think anything was wrong with you, no reason to think the relationship was coming to a screeching halt. Yet, it did. It did because you stopped talking to him. Well, you didn’t stop talking to him, you said a lot of words. You just didn’t say any of the ones that actually mattered.

It’s impossible to keep the last conversation with Jimin off your mind. You will never tell him he was right, but you’re also constantly wondering if it’s time for that talk. Lately it’s been taking Jungkook longer to do everything. Longer to text you back, longer in between seeing each other, longer to come out of his phone if he checks it while you’re hanging out (something he never used to do).

And, okay, from the outside, you know how any of those things look. It’s just, you’re still really happy and you’re not really looking to give that up. You think that maybe what’s best, for now, is just to take a slight step back, not be the one to reach out to him and make plans. Either he’ll make plans with you or you will have the final push to have a conversation you should have had weeks ago. (Really, you should’ve had this conversation before you blew up your life, but who’s counting?)

Jungkook: hey, things have been kinda crazy with work, but can i see you tonight?

Which answers that, doesn’t it? You ignore your smarter thoughts, most of which are driven by Jimin’s words playing on repeat, and answer quicker than you should. Even though you offer to stop on your way to pick food up, Jungkook says he’s already picking something up and to just meet him at the apartment.

It’s all different now. Before, when things were only happy, you’d be excited that he knew you well enough to pick up takeaway for the both of you. Now, you wonder if he really has been busy with work. There’s something about the text that implies something’s shifted. You hate it and you want to just go back to before. Maybe tonight will be the perfect chance for that.

It’s not.

The silences are awkward and what’s worse is that you can’t tell if Jungkook feels awkward about it as well, or if it’s just you. Actually, what’s worse is you don’t know which you’d prefer. Then there’s this weird space between you while you’re watching a movie. It’s like you’re not really close enough to cuddle and you’re not really far enough away for it to be a normal, friend-sized space between you. It’s just this awkward limbo and you’re trying really hard not to overthink the space being a metaphor for where the two of you are in this weird relationship.

Jungkook is on his phone a lot throughout the movie too, which only worsens the way you feel. He says he’s still got a lot going on at work, that they’re in very real danger of missing deadlines and he’s so sorry. The rational part of you really wants to let it be that. The louder part of you, the one you know is irrational, can’t leave it alone. At least internally. You know you can’t say anything out loud and have it come across right. Your internal monologue is another story, though.

But, that’s the thing, isn’t it? You made a lot of assumptions about where you were with Jungkook, about what the two of you were doing, about it being a relationship. The reality is you’ve been fucking regularly for months now and haven’t bothered to define things. It was perfect at the beginning, when Jungkook insisted that the two of you knew what was happening and what other people thought didn’t matter. It made you feel like it was you against everyone else. Which should’ve been a clue. A relationship should never put you against the people outside of it. A healthy relationship should be able to integrate into your regular life.

You don’t stay over at his place that night. Jungkook offers and even makes it seem like he wants you to. You might even believe him if he didn’t mention getting up early for work and checking his phone. That annoying voice in the back of your head is shouting danger, danger, danger. The ugly thoughts wonder if he actually wants you to stay at all or if he just doesn’t want to be the bad guy for sending you home.

He gives you a kiss in the doorway and you’re on your way out. The last little bit of positivity in the back of your mind is hoping he’ll change his mind, that he’ll come rushing out and say he’s been stupid. Of course he wants you to stay and of course it’s worth it being tired at work tomorrow because he’s missed you, things have been off, and he wants to make sure he fixes them.

But, he doesn’t do any of those things. The doubts firmly take hold of your brain.

The next day, you’re still thinking over what you want to do when you get an unexpected text from him. He’s got a function after work, the kind of thing where you have to go to a bar and pretend you want to be socializing with coworkers off the clock, but it’s okay because the boss usually buys a few rounds. It’s the kind of thing someone might ask their partner to come to, so they’re not so bored.

Jungkook’s message is clear. He wants to see you. After he’s done with the work function, which he warns might not be until later. So he understands if it’s too late for you to come over since it is still during the week and you have to work tomorrow. He seems genuinely excited when you say you’ll definitely still come over and your heart constricts for a second.

You need to set your phone aside, just for a second, just long enough to let your heart settle back down, because you’ve made up your mind. It’s time (past time, honestly) that you have a real conversation with Jungkook. This last exchange proves it. You’re back to being the girl he calls up after a night out at the bar, the booty call for sex. Admittedly, it is the best sex you’ve ever had, but that’s not the point. For a bit, you were the girl that he made plans with. And, yeah, he’s asking you before he goes to the bar if you’ll be there after. But, the fact is, it’s still same day and it’s not really anything more than a hook-up text.

The text from Jungkook letting you know he’s heading home comes and you take a couple shots to give yourself the confidence to go through with The Talk. You weren’t planning on driving anyway. No matter how this goes, you’re not planning to head home afterwards so having your car seems more inconvenient than anything.

Apparently, Jungkook only beats you there by a few minutes, which might’ve bothered you in any other situation. The way he says it sounds accusatory in your mind. All you can see now is talking before you lose the little bit of liquid courage you have.

“Do you want to watch a movie or do you just want to…” Jungkook asks, trailing off suggestively.

That pit in the bottom of your stomach worsens. The unfinished question hangs between you like a glaring sign saying he just wants to fuck you. It all just feels really cheap and like another waste of your time. Just another in a long line of mistakes. Only one way to find out, though, and so you take a deep breath and dive in.

“Actually, I kind of wanted to talk to you,” you say and that brings him up short.

“About what?” Jungkook asks.

He seems defensive. It’s all wrong. Something in you had been holding out hope that this would go exactly the way you wanted it to. That hope gets harder to hold onto.

“Just…this, us,” you say, hating how you sound so unsure.

“Us?” Jungkook asks and somehow that makes you angrier. Is he being fucking stupid on purpose?

“Yeah, Jungkook, us,” you say with more bite than you intended. “We’ve been doing this dance for, what, like 3 or 4 months? What are we doing, exactly?”

Jungkook’s confused. He gets this look on his face sometimes, like he’s trying to work out a really complex calculus problem and just can’t make things make sense. It makes him look younger, more innocent. It makes you want to protect him. But you can’t afford to think that way, and he doesn’t need to be protected.

“We’re just, I don’t know, we’re hanging out. We’ve been having fun, you know, everything is just easy, which is nice,” Jungkook says.

“Just hanging out and having fun? What, are we back in college?” Your voice raises an octave because, despite all your planning, you really aren’t ready for this.

“I’m not really sure what’s happening here,” Jungkook admits.

“I’m just confused,” you admit in return. “Like we’re always together, we go out on dates. You came with me to a family wedding for fuck’s sake.”

“Yeah, because I like hanging out with you and the wedding seemed important to you,” Jungkook says.

“It was important but still, what is this?”

Jungkook really still looks helpless and you’re constantly reminding yourself not to take care of him. It’s not what either of you needs. “Why does it have to be something defined? Why does there have to be this big deal?”

“Because we’re grown now, because I can’t keep blowing up my life for…” you start, but cut yourself off, quickly closing your mouth again.

“No, blowing your life up for what? For me?” Jungkook asks and you look away, unable to see him looking at you like that. “I never asked you to blow up your life for me.”

“You didn��t exactly turn me away that night either. You knew I was in a relationship,” you say and he scoffs.

“Yeah, I did know. But last time I checked, it’s not my responsibility to make sure you don’t cheat on your partner. I wasn’t the one in a relationship,” Jungkook says.

“No, because you’re never in a relationship, you’re always just having fun,” you say, voice dripping with disdain.

“And what’s so wrong with that? I’ve never been anything but honest about exactly who I am and what I want,” Jungkook says.

“People change all the time! Excuse me for thinking you’d grow the fuck up and realize actually being with someone isn’t that bad,” you say and Jungkook rolls his eyes again.

“What do you think I’ve been doing? I know being with someone isn’t bad. We’ve been having a great time for months until whatever the fuck this is,” Jungkook says.

“And how many other girls have you been having a good time with at the same time?” The question is out before you can even figure out if you want to ask it.

Opposite you, Jungkook rolls his lips together, like he’s trying to give himself a minute before answering. He can have a short temper at times.

“I’m not really sure why the answer to that question matters,” Jungkook says and you shake your head.

“I should’ve known,” you say.

“None though, for the record. Like I told you, I’ve been busy at work. So, I’m either there, working out, playing video games, or with you,” he says and you come up short.

“What?”

“Don’t take that the wrong way,” Jungkook says quickly. “I haven’t fucked anyone else in months, and I haven’t wanted to either. I’ve been having a great time with you. But, that also doesn’t mean this is something more than it is.”

“Meaning?” The balloon of hope pops just as quickly as it formed and you’re feeling even worse than before.

“Meaning,” Jungkook starts. “I don’t want…this. I don’t want to be fighting with you about some bullshit definition of what we are or where we’re headed. I like you, I do. But my answers to those still haven’t changed from the first time we hooked up 7 years ago. I don’t want that super committed relationship with expectations and check-ins and eventually marriage. I don’t want a house and kids and a white picket fence so the dog doesn’t get out.”

“You make it sound like a death sentence,” you say, completely deflated.

“I don’t mean to, it’s just not for me. It’s not what I’ve ever wanted and I’ve never kept that a secret,” Jungkook says. “I mean, I don’t know, maybe it is like a death sentence for me.”

“It feels like a slap in the face,” you admit and Jungkook bristles at that.

“Why? Because I don’t want the same things as you?”

You struggle to find the right words because that’s not what you meant. “Because you must have known it’s what I wanted and yet we still kept going.”

“I guess I figured you heard me when I said, over and over again, that it wasn’t what I wanted,” Jungkook says. “I figured you heard me and you could make your decisions on what you wanted.”

“It just seemed like…” you start and frown. “We’re always together, it felt like more.”

“So you just assumed that it was something more without even asking me about it?” Jungkook asks and gets a glare in response.

“Okay, that’s a little extreme,” you say.

“Is it? I can see it. You’re mad at me, which I get, kind of,” Jungkook admits. “But also, I don’t get it? Because none of this had to happen. If you’d talked to me instead of building it all up in your head…”

“Wow, that was kind of a dick move,” you retort and he shakes his head.

“Or is it a dick move to create a whole relationship in your head and then make me the bad guy for not being on the same page?”

That brings you up short again. Does he have a point? Is that what you’ve been doing all this time?

“I do actually care about you,” Jungkook says. “I know that may be hard to believe, but I do. It’s also really fucked up to create a whole world in your head and then turn me into the bad guy for not being on the same page. I always said we were having fun, that it didn’t matter what friends thought, that we’re just going a day at a time.”

“Because you knew, Jungkook, you had to,” you say. He furrows his eyebrows at you. “You’ve always said things like that and for what? What reason do you have to constantly remind me what this is if you don’t think there’s confusion?”

“Once again, it is not my job to force a conversation you may want to have. Weren’t you just saying we’re not still in college? That goes both ways,” Jungkook says.

Round and round and round in circles you and Jungkook go. You’re mad at him for something that he may not even be able to control, something that you’ve always known about him. And you’re mad that he’s known you probably weren’t on the same page for a while. He’s mad that you’ve had so many of these conversations in your head or with friends without cluing him in. He’s mad that he feels like the bad guy.

The whole fight feels pointless, honestly. You both are mad at the other and maybe you both have a reason to be annoyed. Maybe he has a point and maybe you need to take a step back to examine some of the decisions that you’ve made too. Maybe he’s not the only one bringing this house of cards crashing to the floor.

And maybe that’s not something you want to deal with tonight.

The rational part of your brain knows you should leave and call an Uber straight to Jimin’s apartment. That same part knows that even if he has someone over, he’ll drop everything to make sure you’re okay. He won’t even start the I told you so until tomorrow. Because Jimin can be a giant pain in the ass when he wants to, but he’s got the biggest heart in the world. Going to Jimin’s is absolutely the right decision.

That’s why you call an Uber and head to the bar.

After a few drinks, the empty seat next to you is taken by a stranger with fluffy hair and an easy smile. Despite your protests, he takes over your tab so that you can keep drinking. It’s a bad idea, you know it’s a bad idea, and you don’t really care. You don’t really have any room for good ideas right now.

For his part, he actually seems like a decent guy, if you were sober and present enough to notice. He tells you his name, his job, about his friends. You think he even mentions movies he likes. Nothing about it feels like the normal situation at a bar. Then again, it’s a Wednesday night, not exactly prime time to be out picking someone up.

The next morning, you wake up in a too bright room in an unfamiliar bed and immediately start piecing things together. The conversation with Jungkook and your subsequent decision to get completely shit-faced come rushing back. A sense of shame washes over you. This is the part where some attractive guy, usually one you somehow know, walks into the bedroom, maybe wearing just a towel, and you realize what you did.

Except this isn’t a movie, thankfully, and somehow you’re actually clothed in the bed. You’re in an oversized t-shirt and gym shorts, but you also still have your bra and underwear on. Likely a sign that nothing happened beyond you getting embarrassingly drunk last night. Actually, looking around the room, it looks more like a guest bedroom than the master. Did you actually manage to find a decent guy when you were hellbent on making bad decisions?

You aren’t really in the mood to figure any of it out. Your clothes are folded up beside the bed and, when you get up, you hear the shower running. It’s the perfect time to leave without having to have an awkward conversation. And since you were at your quota for those, you grab your phone from beside the table and slip out, thankfully unseen.

First up, your text thread with Jimin. Which is a mistake, of course you had texted him and of course it was barely coherent. But bless Jimin, honestly, because you see he had taken care of calling you out of work. Actually, bless him for having all your passwords and being able to sign into your email to send the message. You know part of him calling you out is also so that he can carry out his Jimin-approved therapy, but you’ll take it. You’ll even take him telling you he was right.

In a slightly uncharacteristic move, Jimin is waiting outside your door when the Uber drops you off. He’s already been shopping for the essentials and he’s got his arms open for you to collapse into him before even crossing the threshold into the apartment. There’s nothing on his face except for care and concern, which really isn’t surprising. His beating you to your own apartment may be surprising, but him being the best friend you’ve ever had isn’t.

Everything kind of pours out of you at once when you and Jimin sit down on your couch, the tears, the self-loathing, the anger, the confusion, the pain. So much pain. Pain over your ex, pain over Jungkook, pain over past shit that you really thought you were over. It’s like the past months with Jungkook were just a bandaid, putting off the day you would eventually feel everything. There’s no putting it off anymore though. Now you’re in it and you’re so thankful for a friend like Jimin to hold your hand.

He’s surprisingly quiet throughout the whole thing. He listens to your thoughts, comforts you during the gaps in speaking, makes sure you have snacks and something to drink, keeps music playing quietly in the background because he knows you hate the silence. He asks questions that are gentle, nothing too heavy or accusatory. The only time he gets firm is when you cry about not deserving a friend like him.

“Yeah, you can be an asshole sometimes, but don’t ever let me catch you talking that way about yourself,” Jimin says, unmoving. “You’re human and we all make mistakes. We learn and we move forward. I won’t let you be mean to yourself, though. That’s what you don’t deserve.”

Once you feel like you’ve said everything that you could possibly say, Jimin informs you that you’re taking tomorrow off as well and that he’ll be staying over. Just like when you were in college. The order for the night was trashy TV and junk food and no wine for you because you’re still hungover and no talking about feelings at all. You can pick all that up again tomorrow, but tonight is about giving your brain a break.

It takes much longer than you expect to really come to terms with what happened between you and Jungkook. You haven’t seen him since you walked out the door. In fact, you hadn’t even texted him until reaching out yesterday to see if he was willing to meet up. It wasn’t to work through things, though, as much as it was for you to heal. And hopefully for him to heal as well.

The past few months have been some of the scariest and most rewarding of your life. You’ve never really been alone, separate from a partner. You’ve gone from one relationship to the next for as long as you could remember and ignored anyone suggesting to take time nearly as long. The fight with Jungkook had been a wake-up call, an unwelcome one at the time, but one that you can now see the value in. It forced you to really look at yourself, at your choices, at everything that led you to that moment, to learn what you actually wanted.

And you don’t really know what you want, but you think it’s somewhere between your ex and Jungkook. Yes, you want something stable and comfortable, someone that you know and that you can rely on. At the same time, you want someone that will challenge you, excite you, keep you on your toes. It was unfair of you to put all that onto Jungkook. Whatever mistakes he may have also made, you want to own yours. Part of you knew that he was never going to be what you needed him to be and rushed forward head first anyway.

Everything led you to this point now, where you wait for Jungkook to show up. He had replied quicker than you expected and seemed happy to meet, despite you being clear on needing to talk to him. Maybe there were things he needed to say too.

The tinkling of the bell over the door catches your attention and you watch Jungkook walk through the doors, somehow exactly the same. It’s only been a few months, you remind yourself, not like he could change entirely.

The next part feels awkward, how do you greet him? You stand, considering what to do, when he saves you the trouble and goes in to give you a quick hug. Nothing too serious and also nothing too formal.

“Thanks for meeting me,” you say and he smiles.

“Of course,” he says. “I’ve been thinking about everything that happened too, honestly, so it felt like a good time.”

And just like that, it’s easy to talk. Really talk. Jungkook lets you go first and you lay out everything you’ve learned over the past couple months. He lets you make your apologies and makes his own. You’re able to take ownership of the mistakes you make, because you really understand them after months working through your shit, and feel like he’s forgiven you for how you handled things. You know that you can never fully expect to get closure in life, but this feels close. It feels like you can actually close the door on a chapter to move forward.

Apparently he’s been doing a lot of work on himself too. He admits to knowing that you were in deeper than he was and letting it go on anyway, something he’s not proud of and something he hopes you’ll forgive. He’s not there yet but he’s working on better communication, letting partners know what he can give and what he can’t. He’s trying to figure out what it is he actually wants and what he doesn’t. Even though you don’t need him to say it, he also wants you to know that, as cliche as it sounds, it wasn’t you. Not entirely at least. He got so caught up in how good the physical side of things was that he didn’t consider how you were both hurting each other.

Neither one of you is really sure how to leave things. Part of you, and you can see part of him too, wants to ask if there’s a way to move forward as friends. He’s been part of your life on and off for the past 7 years, since meeting when you were only 18 years old. You take the plunge, though, and say that he’s always going to have a place in your heart. You’re just not sure he can have a place in your life, at least not now. There’s a moment of relief on his face. Like he’s happy you were the one to make the call because he isn’t sure he could. He really does have a lot of work to do, he says.

“Do you know him?” Jungkook asks as the conversation is naturally winding down.

You turn your head to follow his eyes on a man wearing dress pants and a nice shirt. He seems caught up in whatever he’s reading on his laptop, slightly shaggy hair slipping into his eyes. You’re about to say no when he looks up and meets your eyes. There’s something…familiar about him. Like you know him from somewhere that you’ve forgotten. Almost like the memory is hazy and you can’t fully grasp it. He smiles, a really nice smile, and then looks back down at his laptop.

“I don’t think so,” you finally answer.

“He keeps looking over here,” Jungkook comments. You look for any sign of anything negative on his face, but it isn’t there.

“Yeah, I don’t know, if I do know him, I can’t figure out from where,” you admit.

“Maybe you should say hi,” he says and you just smile.

“With you here?” you ask.

Jungkook smiles with a shake of his head. He’s standing up the next second. “I actually have to go to an appointment with my therapist.”

“I’m proud of you,” you say and stand as well to give him another hug. Slightly less awkward this time.

“I’m proud of you too, proud of us, really,” he says.

“Take care, Jungkook,” you say.

“You too,” he answers with a smile.

Just like that, he’s heading out the door. He looks back once to smile at you and you wave. You’re wondering if that’s the last time you’ll see him. Maybe it is and maybe that’s exactly how it should be. Things feel better now, easier. There’s no lingering doubts and even though you know you still have a ways to go, you think that you can really do it this time.

But before you can retreat further into your own head, a voice breaks through your thoughts.

“This seat still taken?”

You look up to find the man that Jungkook asked about moments earlier and that’s when it clicks. Yes, you do know him and you finally remember from where. The world certainly works in mysterious ways.

i hope you liked it, it was definitely a ride writing it <3

#jungkook x reader #jungkook smut #kvanity #bangtantheatrenet #jungkook angst #jungkook x you #jungkook fanfic #jungkook fic #jungkook imagine #jungkook scenarios #bts fic #bts smut #bts x reader #bts x you #bts scenarios #bts imagines

[mylovelies-docx]

Sorry, I Love You - Part 5

Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood afternoon, everyone.

:) Have fun

Plot: You and Bucky have a good thing going - best of friends that also have more than a little chemistry between the sheets. Everything is fine until you develop feelings for the man who doesn't want a relationship. What will happen when Bucky finds out?

C/W: Awkwardness, flashbacks, feels

Word Count: 1,950

Tag List: NOW CLOSED! If you'd like to keep up with this story, please follow my blog and turn on notifications! ❤️ you :)

[Prologue][Part 1][Part 2][Part 3][Part 4]

This wouldn't be your and Bucky's first undercover mission together, but it would be the first one where the tension between you is decidedly not sexual. You're not even sure how well the two of you can pull off this charade since you have no idea what your chemistry is like anymore. Used to, you could do anything together, be anything together.

Not so much now.

There’s an awkwardness between you. Silences pregnant with all the things left unsaid – or should have been left unsaid. You’ll catch Bucky watching you from the corner of your eyes, always with an unreadable expression like he’s trying to figure you out again without actually asking any questions.

You can't imagine that you've changed so much in the intervening months, but Bucky makes so much progress in therapy that his confidence in himself and his personality grow by leaps and bounds all the time. 

You don’t know this new Bucky, but you wish you did. You wish you had been with him to see his growth, encourage him on. 

You’ve missed out on so much of your life by staying away from the Tower. You’d had so many plans that never came to be – no walks in the park when the flowers started to bloom, no trips to the beach on the hottest days of the year, no ice skating when the first snow fell. You kept a tab on everything that should have been on the calendar in your mind, noting all the days that had significance in the past but went uncelebrated this year.

But what’s done is done, and you have to pay for your actions – half a year away is a small price to have Bucky back in your life, even as a stranger instead of your lover. 

You’re now trying to organize your new life on the outskirts of a small town in Russia, just a few miles away from a HYDRA base. Snow was falling thick and fast as the quinjet touched down hours ago, leaving behind a pristine blanket of white outside your new home. The small, two-bedroom cottage looks rustic, but it is still nicer than most of the surrounding homes due to Tony’s influence. There is hidden technology that will help the house to stay warm in this cold climate and random high-tech appliances, lights, and other things that look normal and are anything but.

With the HYDRA base going radio silent, you may be in this little home for longer than was initially expected earlier this year. Bucky is sure that the base is still active, though.  He spent a lot of time here as the Winter Soldier, but no one has received reports from the embedded spy in recent months. This inactivity is concerning since you're no longer sure what is going on inside the building anymore.  

It would be too obvious for Bucky to go undercover inside the facility, so that leaves it up to you to infiltrate as a researcher. The spy had assured last year that no one from the facility lived in the town you’ve settled in, so it’s safe enough for Bucky to remain close by as you work.

But the small town you’ve settled in is so traditional that the only way to remain inconspicuous as a younger woman is to be connected to a man in some way – be it living with family members or a husband.

And since you don't want to be labeled an outcast or worse, Bucky is here.

Bucky is going to be a mechanic at the small family-owned shop just down the road, and his prosthesis is covered in Stark technology that makes it appear as if he’d never lost it. Bucky used to spend a lot of time fixing up old cars and motorcycles between missions, so he should really enjoy spending his days in the garage helping out the Kowalds.

Unfortunately, your background isn’t as fun. You’re a whiz when it comes to biology, so Nat cooked up a false resume full of lab work that centers around eugenics and biomanipulation – things your spy had reported the facility was actively looking into. In order to get your foot in the door at the HYDRA facility, the Avengers had to create a background so disturbing that you're not even sure if you can interview for it properly.

 You're just zipping up into your thick winter coat when Bucky walks out of the kitchen drying his hands on a dish towel.

“You headin’ out now, doll?” He asks, a small worry line between his eyebrows.

“Yup,” you answer back with a comforting smile on your face. “I need to go meet with our contact to make sure that everything is still okay.”

“Just be careful, yeah?” he tells you, slinging the towel up onto his shoulder. Today is his first day at the mechanic shop, so he's dressed in blue overalls with a small name tag stitched onto his chest. The sun is just barely rising, but he's going to be late if he doesn't hurry.

"You know me, Buck. My middle name is Safe."

"Your middle name is Trouble and you can't convince me otherwise, babygirl."

You stick your tongue out at him and blow a raspberry, holding your middle finger up in the air as you turn around and head out the door. Once out of his sight, you smile and bask in the feeling of having your friend back.

You'd missed the banter and easy wit you used to share together, so this small exchange feels like a return to normal. The awkwardness might return in time, but you hope Bucky has forgiven you enough to power through.

You trek along the deserted streets. The early hour and layer of snow on the ground seems to be keeping the townsfolk within their homes, wrapped snugly under their warm blankets. You sigh heavily and watch your breath fog in the air, the mist condensing and freezing your skin as you walk through the cloud.

You pass house after house, noticing lights turning on and the sound of hairdryers, televisions, and conversations humming in the air. Everything has a vague, indistinct quality to it, lulling you into daydreams of what their lives are like. Is it simple? Do they enjoy this cold, snowy location? Or are they also dreaming of a warm day laying in the grass in nothing but a pair of shorts and a tank top?

A memory worms its way to the surface of your mind of a day spent just like that with Bucky. 

This was only a few weeks before your friends-with-benefits situation started. It was the hottest day of the year so far, the humidity heavy in the air and making the sidewalks and parks of New York City intensely uncomfortable. Even though Stark has the Tower equipped with the latest technology, he's incapable of leaving anything well enough alone. He'd been tinkering with the HVAC and somehow short-circuited the entire system. Everyone in the Tower was miserable and cranky, choosing to avoid one another in an attempt to stave off arguments and confrontations. 

You'd been sitting in the shade of the balcony, fanning yourself as you watched all the teeny tiny people on the ground maneuver the crosswalks and traffic to get to where they were going. It was no warmer outside than it was in your room, so you chose to people-watch instead of lay there and sweat miserably on your clean sheets.

Just as some bratty kid you’d been watching chucked the ice cream he’d been yelling for only moments ago onto the sidewalk, the sliding glass doors behind you whooshed open. The sound of metal knocking against the doorframe had let you know that Bucky was the one to interrupt your spying.

Regretfully turning your neck, you felt your skin sliding wet and hot against itself. A frown marred your features as you stared at Bucky as he stood behind you, his eyes alight with mischievous glee.

“What did you do…?” You question slowly, almost afraid to know what that look was all about.

He shrugged a shoulder and smirked. “Nothing too bad.”

“BARNES!!!” a voice roared from the depths of the Tower.

You quirked an eyebrow at him and a small, disbelieving smile graced your lips. “That doesn’t sound like nothing, Buck.”

Bucky hmm’d and glanced back into the building when a CRASH reverberated from where the voice had yelled moments ago. “I was going to get out of here for a while. You wanna come?” he questioned breezily.

“And why would I want to leave when Tony’s working on fixing the AC?” you replied as you continued to fan yourself. Bucky’s eyebrows had quirked ever so slightly.

“Y/L/N!!!” 

Your hand had frozen mid-fan and your eyes widened so much that Bucky couldn’t help but laugh.

“Where’d you say we were going?” you asked as you rose quickly from your seat and bypassed Bucky at the door.

***

“You little shit!” You had laughed uproariously when Bucky finally admitted to the prank.

“What else was I gonna do?” he responded, turning his face to look at you.

Even with the intense heat that day, you and Bucky had decided to forgo the climate controlled vehicles in the garage and went instead with the fastest getaway vehicle – Bucky’s bike. The wind had whipped against your body when you held onto Bucky and watched the city fall into the distance behind you. 

He apparently hadn’t had a destination in mind, so you had ridden until cities and towns disappeared. He’d pulled off beside a barely visible hiking trail and jumped off his bike. You had followed suit and watched as Bucky pulled a blanket from inside the storage compartment on the bike. You hiked your eyebrows questioningly, but only got a grin in response. 

That’s how you had found yourself lounging on a blanket in the middle of a field with Bucky on the hottest day of the year. You’d chatted and laughed for hours until the sun had slowly faded from the sky. Out that far, the light pollution of the cities couldn’t touch the stars. You had gazed upwards, trying to draw the constellations as you remembered them.

You weren’t any good at astrology or astronomy, but the stories behind the figures in the sky captivated you nonetheless.

You laughed again and turned to face him as well. “And why’d you have to implicate me, huh?” 

“Figured it’d be more fun that way,” he had answered slyly. 

You had wound your arm up and smacked him on the stomach, your hand bouncing off of the toned muscles. He’d caught your wrist on the next swing and held it up and away from his body. You’d tried to tug it away, but his metal fingers held fast and didn’t let you go. You rolled over toward him and began trying to use your body as leverage, but you had only succeeded in pulling yourself closer to him.

You huffed and blew the piece of hair that had fallen over your eyes away and looked up at him. He’d had a look in his eyes that he hadn’t directed at you before, but you’d seen glimpses of it when he’d find someone to bring back for the night.

You can’t help but think that that moment had been the turning point in your friendship with Bucky, the moment he thought about asking you to be friends-with-benefits. Of course you’d found him handsome long before then, but that was a moment that really cemented your attraction to him. 

You didn’t have romantic feelings at the time, but you should have known they were inevitable.

Part 6

@jackiehollanderr @rabbitrabbit12321 @12345sebby @blackwood-bodecker-housewife @lauraashley93 @themorningsunshine @happinessinthebeing @nash-dara @calwitch@stany0url0calwh0res111 @pono-pura-vida @learisa @introverbatim @kentokaze @marvelogic @kaz11283

#bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x y/n #bucky fanfic #Sorry I Love You

[lutawolf]

My Personal Weatherman and the D/s element Ep 7

If you haven't read my other commentary on this show, you can find it here.

Ahhh, I'm so excited for this show. I've been looking forward to it so much. Yoh sweet baby is till watching Segasaki on his show. Aww... "I could watch his face forever." This miscommunication is crazy, but these two really love each other so much.

Yoh really does have an awesome friend in Minnie aka Manju.

Segasaki worrying that Yoh left again. This is a jealous Dom, but that's because he isn't secure in what he has. I've said countless times, there are no bad emotions, only bad reactions. Yoh knows there is something wrong, but he doesn't know what. He wants to fix it, and he is hitting all his usually submissive ways, but they aren't working.

Omg... I can't tell you how many times I watched that side eye from Segasaki as Yoh goes to removed the bag. This is very much a Dom fed up with his brat. 🤣🤣🤣

Yay! Flashbacks from Segasaki's point of view! He is extremely observant. Interesting that he at first negatively viewed Yoh, even though he himself admitted that the people he was surrounded by were shitty.

Segasaki is arrogant, but not unkind. He observes, makes judgment calls, but isn't afraid to re-evaluate. That is actually a good thing to look for in a Dom. You don't want a Dom that is indecisive, nor one that can't admit when he's made a wrong call.

Like I said, kind but arrogant. "You're really talented." I can smile much better. He isn't saying that Yoh didn't capture him right because he clearly admires his talent and tells us that his drawings were so good. It's that he saw something about himself to improve.

He carefully cultivated what others saw, but Yoh saw through this. Knows his small little flashes of facial features. When I say that D/s couples really do watch each other this closely, we do. Remember, our relationships revolve around a lot of nonverbal communication. Each wanting to instinctively please each other, though in different ways. Each needing to anticipate the other's need. Verbal communication also needs to be good, but that's always why we often write guidelines. It helps us communicate our needs. However, you have to remember that this D/s relationship happened organically, so the verbal communication isn't there yet.

Side note, most Doms hate showing vulnerability to anyone other than their submissive. I do on here because I'm pretty much anonymous and this place is my therapy. In real life, though, I'm not very good at showing vulnerability even to my submissive. Though I've gotten softer since my kids.

There is that arrogance again. No one was worth showing his true feelings to. Got me questioning myself when people call me arrogant. But damn, I melted when he asked Yoh not to leave.

The famous curry. We're finally going to know the story. OMG, but I love how natural they both are in their positions. They might not understand their feelings towards each other, but they understand themselves. Segasaki's face as he eats the curry! I'm dying. And you can not tell me that Yoh can read all of Segasaki's facial expressions but didn't recognize Segasaki's facial expression this time? Segasaki covers himself well by bringing up the congee.

Segasaki goes right into commanding Yoh. Telling him to put the curry in Tupperware, and he'll be the only one eating it. He better not touch it. Yoh instinctively obeys. The way he taps Yoh's forehead and tells him, "This is mine." Damn, Yoh, how did you miss that? You is cute and you is stupid. Segasaki happily eating the terrible curry says everything.

Ahh, Segasaki rubbing Yoh's head. Bestowing a reward. The way Yoh's eyes literally twinkled due to it. Absolutely fucking adorable.

"I came all the way here for you. Go ahead and take a good look and draw." When they talk about Segasaki's face when he asked if he really looked like this. Who called it peeps? Who called it. "Draw more. If it's the depths of my heart, as long as it's you, then I don't mind." And there is that Dom intensity and possessiveness.

And back to present day with rain crashing down outside. Segasaki goes looking for Yoh, but can't find him.

OMG, the roof scene is everything. "Without you, I can't breathe." The kiss, that Yoh didn't even think of denying Segasaki. The fact that Segasaki cried because he thought Yoh left. Ugh. We have to watch this again.

I think this is my favorite episode. Yoh is so excited because Segasaki apologizing because he never has before. Nope, Segasaki is apologizing for trusting him and ties him up. Dead. This is the best.

Normies who might be thinking that Yoh is scared. Please note, other than saying "hold on, wait." He offers up no further struggle. Our little coconut is confused and maybe a little scared because he doesn't know why Segasaki is acting like this, but he isn't scared of Sagasaki or what he is doing. There is a fundamental comfort and trust there, hence the no struggle. Remember he is a brat, if he wants to struggle he will. Remember the last episode where he threw a fucking fit? As far as Segasaki doing it without asking, well remember their relationship has an in place agreement of Segasaki having total control. Yoh knew that Segasaki was controlling and a tyrant when he made the agreement. But let me say this, in real life there should be a safe word in place even in these types of relationships. Again, though, this is an organic lifestyle relationships, so we were lucky we got the agreement.

I'm so excited about the next episode!!! Why must we wait! Ahhh. Hope you guys enjoyed! 💜💜💜

#taikan yoho #my personal weatherman #segasaki x yoh #luta talks my personal weatherman #luta talks kink

[brighteyedbushybrowed]

𝐃𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐕𝐞𝐫𝐠𝐢𝐥 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬

It's Verging time *heads your canons*. I used to wonder why DMC3, 4, and 5 were my favourites in the series and then I remembered it's because I'm a Vergil hoe and those are all games you can play as him in (special editions for 4 and 5 obviously). As always, spicy headcanons under the cut so minors DNI please and thank you

Most important thing to keep in mind while dating him is that he is a work in progress and has a lot of shit to work through, but he will always make time for you

Wasn't very tactile at first due to his own personal traumas

It's only after he's comfortable enough with you and has been going to therapy for a while that he'll start holding hands or putting an arm around you, though he's still a little hesitant to do that out in public

Loves to spend time with you by reading poems or books to you while you're curled up beside him on the sofa

You kind of had to explain to him when you start giving him gifts that it's not expected that he give you something in return or vice versa. Now he'll give you small gifts when you've been apart for a while because of devil hunting or other commitments

Tries to spend at least one night a week going to ballroom dancing classes as a new hobby to focus on, so expect him to ask you to practice with him somewhat regularly

Will also invite you to come to classes with him to watch or even take part if you feel up to it

He's not much of a flower giving guy. He prefers to give you things that will last longer

Expect to see the day and time for your dates scheduled in his diary or on his calendar

Insists you go on a date at least once a week, even if one or both of you are having a hectic week

Not insistent in a controlling way though. More of a "I don't want to neglect us or our relationship and having it written down somewhere stops Dante from trying to drag me out somewhere with him on that day" kind of way

Dante absolutely gave you the "don't hurt my brother" talk but was way more chill with it than Vergil would be if someone was dating his younger twin

The man is so inexperienced - you're gonna need to be patient with him and take your time

He's always gentle when you have sex. Partly because of his inexperience but also because he worries about hurting you if he doesn't hold back

His favourite position with your would probably be with you riding him. He gets to look up at you while still making you feel good? Go for it

On occasions where he trusts himself enough to be more rough with you, you'll probably be walking funny the next day because he just can't get enough of you

Unlike V, he has mad stamina and is more than happy to go multiple rounds with you

Public sex is an absolute no go, but that doesn't mean that he won't tease you under the table when he gets in one of his moods

You hold hands the most when you're having sex, especially when he's being especially gentle and wants to make love rather than fucking

If you want him and his doppelganger to fuck you at the same time, you're gonna need to catch Vergil in the right mood at the right time

Has definitely blurted out "I love you" in the middle of cumming. Was very grateful for your reassurances and saying you love him too afterwards

#spicy content #devil may cry #vergil #vergil x reader #gaming #headcanons #devil may cry headcanons

[fallinfl0wers]

They wear your clothes

fandom: genshin impact characters: xiao, albedo, scaramouche reader type: female, taller than them, tried to make it ambiguous enough so it can be read as reader being chubby too! summary: they've heard of the custome of borrowing clothes from your significant other, usually, a girlfriend borrowing from her boyfriend. since their clothes wouldn't exactly fit on you, they decided to try yours instead... genre: fluff notes: self-indulgent because i can't relate to almost half the posts on this trope (and a lot of other posts with some very specific descriptions on the reader compared to the character...) due to me not being dwarfed by most of my husbandos despite not being the tallest person around HAHA, also, i didn't consistently do this before, but from now on i will put in the tags the gender of the reader on each post rather than just in this section!^^

Xiao

He's heard of this strange habit humans have about borrowing their lovers' clothes, and at first, he didn't see the appeal.

But as he thought about it from time to time, he wondered... would you like to do something like that?

Listen, at most, Xiao only has about three or four outifts that look exactly the same and he uses them all if they don't get destroyed beyond repair during his fighting against demons, so it's not like he has many clothes to spare, let alone clothes that would fit comfortably on you if at all, considering your body is bigger than his.

He doesn't bring it up not to make you uncomfortable, though. He knows it could make you feel self-conscious.

He has never been truly self-conscious or insecure about his height, though. He thinks it's useful because it lets him be lighter and move faster than others.

But, man... if he hears you say you wish you could borrow his clothes too just for a while, he'll lowkey wonder if you'd be more comfortable if he was a bit taller and his clothes could actually fit on you--

So one day, while you were taking a shower and he waited for you in your room, he saw a fluffy, slightly oversized sweater of yours laying on your bed.

He blinked down at it.

And proceeded to take off his accessories and sleeve to try it on and see once and for all why humans seemed fond of stealing each other's clothes.

The sweater was already a bit oversized on you, so you can imagine... it was very oversized on him.

And he thought it wasn't that big of a deal but then he kinda looked down at himself, felt the soft fabric against his body, smelt the scent of the soap he knows you always use, the scent of you, impregnated on the sweater...

He looked tiny. And felt tiny too, in a weirdly good sense. He felt as if he was being surrounded by you, and since you were his comfort, it felt as if he was being surrounded by comfort.

When you get out of the shower wrapped on your towel, you can't even begin to process the picture before your eyes: Xiao, your beloved boyfriend, wearing your favorite oversized sweater and staring at you while his cheeks slowly gained a pink tone as he came out of his mind.

The moment you try to speak Xiao is already in front of you, gently throwing your sweater on your face so you won't see his expression.

"I... only wanted to see if it was warm. Um. It is warm. Wear it so you don't get sick.

After that day, Xiao sends hints to you that he wants to wear more of your clothes.

It isn't often, but at some point, when he's free and tired and you're not available, he will simply rummage through your wardrobe and pick the first sweater, hoodie or jacket he can get to feel closer to you.

He gives it a 10/10, wearing [name]'s clothes is free therapy and happiness.

And since his own clothes really won't fit you, at least he lets you wear his necklace at times. Plus, he personally crafts jewelry and other accessories of the like for you to wear instead, all filled with protective charms to keep you out of harm's way.

Albedo

He knows of this human custom, and he was never interested on it, honestly.

He can lend you his lab coat, it's a tight and small fit on you, and he wouldn't recommend you wore it if you were to actually participate in any sort of experiment; if you're ever interested on alchemic stuff, he already has a coat with your proper measurements.

Besides his uniform of the knights of favonius, I think he mostly wears dress shirts and that sort of elegant-casual clothes, always with his lab coat on because he spends most of his time experimenting anyway.

He actually overheard you talking with Klee one day while you were babysitting her when she asked whether or not you borrowed his clothes at times.

And, fairly enough, you sometimes borrow a scarf if you forget your own- but nothing more than that.

Albedo did what he knows best, and did his personal research on the topic: couples borrowing each other's clothes as a form of affection.

He spotted many couples throughout all of Mondstadt doing as much- many of them being a smaller female wearing a larger male's blazers, shirts or other garments alike.

Though, aside from that gendered trend, he identified that the most important variable in this situation was height and perceived weight between the lovers in question--

A conclusion he reached quickly during his first ten minutes of observing, something rather obvious: it is only functional for the smaller person in the relationship to wear the bigger one's clothes rather than the other way around, excluding cases where the builds of the two are similar.

He still quite didn't get why people liked it though.

So one day, you enter your room to look for something real quick, and tilt your head in confusion as you find Albedo wearing a dress shirt that belongs to you and is clearly not his size, staring at his reflection on the mirror analytically while smoothening down the fabric.

You frown, and if anyone saw you, they would see the question marks floating above your head.

The alchemist turns to look at you, and gives you a smile.

"[Name], good evening, how was your day? Hm? This? Yes, it is your shirt. I'm sorry for not asking beforehand, I'll do better next time. I was curious about this 'clothe stealing' thing some people do with their partners... I think I get it now. It is rather... comforting and reassuring."

From then on Albedo will ask you if he can borrow your shirts whenever he knows he'll have to spend a lot of time on his lab at Dragonspine, he says it makes him feel less lonely up there.

He still lets you borrow his scarves, and if your hair is long enough to be tied, also his hair ties.

For practical purposes, he can't simply buy oversized clothes to wear so you can wear them too and feel what he feels when he wears yours, but alchemy goes a long way, so he'll most likely gift you a bracelet, ring, collar or other charm of the like made with your favorite flowers, alchemically modified and solidify to last at least a hundred years intact.

Scaramouche

He might have a little... problem with his own height, but since he's convinced he's far too strong and amazing, no one can really know it unless they purposefully push his buttons (or look at the gigantic robot he piloted in Sumeru)

He's been around for a while, alright, but to be honest he really never interacted with a lot of couples enough to pick up on these kind of affection.

Probably though, during his time as a harbinger, he saw a couple of recruits exchanging coats before a particularly hard mission while spouting promises of "I'll return safely and we'll be together!" or something like that.

He thought it was just another weird human habit he wouldn't concern himself with because it was ridiculous AAAAND then you came into the picture, somehow broke down his walls and made him feel things he didn't want to feel again

Like attachment and happiness and joy and hope. Ew, what are those? He doesn't want them! (He does tho)

And since you're obviously bigger than him, while you hugged him, he suddenly understood that strange custom.

When you hug him, he feels all warm and fuzzy and fluffy inside- it's a comforting feeling that... well, feels so good he wants to cry.

So maybe, he thinks, wearing your clothes would have a similar effect.

And so here you have him, he made sure you wouldn't be around to see him do this, so he has no shame on dugging through your wardrobe until he finds the sweater you wear the most and puts it on to test his theory.

He looks at himself in the mirror and glares at himself for blushing-

Your sweater... it was soft. And fluffy. And warm. And it smelt like you.

He puts a hand over his chest, on the empty space where his heart should be.

He has no heart, so why does he feel like something just skipped a beat?

He closes his eyes, and he can almost feel as though you're holding him in your warm embrace. And he only puts your sweater back on place when he knows it's almost time for you to return home.

"I'm wearing your sweater today. ...? I'm not asking, I'm telling you. [Name], what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine, I don't have to ask for this sort of thing! ... ...I just want to, alright?! Geez, you just want to know every little thing, don't you?! it's just so comforting... hah..."

Man will let you borrow his clothes if you want honestly, he can't guarantee you'll be comfortable but if you want to, go off I guess.

He'll lend you his hat, especially during rainy days when you're stuck out on the rain.

No matter how taller you are, an inch or five or more, he'll claim you're his umbrella for the day even though you say you've brought a far more comfortable, actual umbrella.

He loves this arrangement secretly, despite how uncomfortable it can get. He's very close to you this way and he loves it!

Man will also gift you jewelry and he'll make some himself too- and if he suddenly has far too many new jewelry himself and leaves it "forgotten" in your desk or plainly on your lap, you don't need to know why! Just wear it!! (please)

2022. fallinfl0wers.

#melodywritings #melwritesgenshin #genshin impact headcanon #genshin scenarios #genshin impact scenarios #genshin impact x reader #genshin impact imagines #genshin x reader #xiao x reader #xiao x you #xiao x y/n #albedo x reader #albedo x you #albedo x y/n #scaramouche x y/n #scaramouche x you #scaramouche x reader #female reader #chubby reader #tall reader #x plus size reader #x tall reader #twilight-theatre

[ratgrinders]

hello tumblr user ratgrinders... appreciate the work you do even in these trying times (post onscreen homicide). i think the fact that kipperlilly is like, annoying and reminds people of girls they didnt like in high school ppl miss out on a lot of interesting stuff going on w her!

like, the "power hungry teen girl who is just evil and tbk kill her" thing has already been done in fhfy with penelope, & its much more interesting to think about how & why the ratgrinders are doing all this suspicious stuff tbk are noticing-- like the fact that they have been very cagey about showing their combat abilities, the weird stuff going on with various deities, and even kipperlilly's stolen therapy files (lol) are very intriguing!! and imo writing that off as assuming they'll be straightforward, incompetent villians (popular assumption due to their lack of friendship, even though it's famously the weakest magic) is far less interesting. like... they got into this situation for a reason and got involved w all this stuff somehow, & i don't think all of this would happen if they were a normal adv party, even a shitty one. how did they get here! why!! thx

thank you so much, its getting hard out here but nothing can stop the rat grinders stan grind!!!!! (<- is coping. im coping)

yeah but fr, kipperlily is FASCINATING to me. i truly believe that she thinks everything she does is justified in service of her larger goal, whatever that may be. yeah, stone cold murder really isn't the fairest thing you can do to your academic rivals, but writing all of that off as "oh she's just always been a jealous hypocrite who never believed in what she was spouting" i think is an inaccurate interpretation of her own motivations. she clearly believes in something.

cuz the thing is, we're still not really sure was kipperlily wants? ("egg on my face for wanting something"). sure, she's trying to run for student body president, but what exact rules is she hoping to implement, and how does that relate to trying to resurrect a rage god? plus, grix attacked ruben because he/his ritual were a direct threat to the existence of the school, which seems counter productive if you're trying to become president of it.

and what cause would kipperlily specifically have to be tied up with a rage god anyway? there's nothing that clearly on the surface ties a little type A halfling rogue to a fiendish god of rage and conquest, hell some of the other members in her party seem like on the surface they would have a closer tie to it (like both of their now dead clerics, mary ann who literally harnesses rage, ruben who is full of teen angst). kipperlily's apparently been filled with rage since freshman year, but why? (is she like riz, who spent his whole life infected with an aspect of the nightmare king and literally grew up with this seed of doubt inside him? did something similar happen to kipperlily?)

ankarna is the goddess of justice and the conviction to act when they see something unfair. no matter what, i think kipperlily truly believes that she's witnessed something unfair. and it feels significant to mention that this last murder is an escalation on the rat grinders' part. the other people who have ended up dead around them (lucy, yolanda, the original hosts of frosty faire) all seemed to have died indirectly as a result of the rage crystals and the uncontrollable rage it inspires. this is the first time we're seen stone cold premeditated murder, done with simply a blade and betrayal.

honestly, this transition seems to mirror what ankarna herself went through, starting off as the goddess of conviction and justice but slowly transitioning to one of conquest and war. brennan said something about ankarna, "yeah its nice to have someone like that on your side who will stand up for you, but you better hope that person is always right". i think what we're seeing now is someone with that same conviction, but with a misguided cause.

kipperlily's crossed a line now and i wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't end up redeemed by the end of the season, but i'm still interested in how she and her party were motivated to do this in the first place, because like you said i don't think a normal adventuring party would've ended up here. it takes a lot to transition to multiple murders!

#as a goro akechi stan you could never make me hate the overachieving slightly murderous high school student full of rage its impossible #dimension 20 #fantasy high #fantasy high junior year #fhjy spoilers #original post #rat grinders #kipperlily copperkettle

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for keeping a huge secret from my mom?

so i (26ftm) moved back in with my parents a little over a year ago due to the housing market. shakes fist at sky. you know how it is. anyways, uh, while i may be a broke zillennial, my parents are fairly financially well off, and it's in part due to my father's job. my mom recently retired and my father keeps saying he's going to retire, but still keeps pushing it off (and has been pushing it off for about a decade now).

now uh, shortly before i moved in, my mom was telling me that she was having problems with my father. that this was "the third time this had happened" and "this is his last chance" - i think you may see where i'm going with this. he was cheating. for the third time. and she'd caught him, got them to go to couples therapy, and told him there would be no fourth chance. she was willing to move out of the house and start anew somewhere else if she needed to.

um. enter me, the apple of my dad's eye. i move in. one night my mom is off at a book club so it's just me and him for dinner. he opens his phone (up til this point i've noticed he looks at his phone A Lot.) and opens up wechat. he's calling someone "babe" and sending them red heart emojis. i instantly feel kind of sick. i ask him, "are you texting mom?" and he gets SO confused for a second and says no (i don't think he knew i'd seen his phone screen).

that was almost a year ago today. since then i have seen him text this other woman nonstop, has talked about starting a family with her, has talked about taking her with him on his "work trips," and - for some reason - i've seen him google straight-up escort websites on his phone. uh, that one was while my mom and i were in the middle of showing him old family videos.

i feel so fucking guilty. every time i see him i want to [REDACTED DUE TO TUMBLR GUIDELINES]. i lost my therapist that i had known for five years in the move, i lost my entire support network, and i still haven't found anything like that up here. i am completely isolated, and while i have my own job right now, i am in no way financially stable enough to find my own place to live. if i tell my mom, i don't know what's going to happen to me. i don't know if she will kick him out or if she will move. i am trying to move back to where i was living, but i just can't afford it. i feel completely trapped in this situation, and i know what the right thing to do is, but i am terrified that on top of losing my entire life a year ago, i'm about to lose everything else, too.

a large part of me wants to confront my father first, but i am also terrified of him. i know i'm his favorite, but i am well aware of his temper, and while he's never physically harmed me, i feel like the situation might be a bit different if i'm the person that might get him divorced and ostracized from the entire family. i don't know. i honestly have no idea. everything is so confusing and i just have felt frozen for an entire year.

but the other night i saw him texting her again. she's mentioned she had been feeling sick lately and he told her that she might be pregnant. i was so close to losing it. i almost ripped his phone out of his hand and smashed it on the ground. i couldn't look him in the eye. i could barely even speak to him. maybe the funniest part about this is that he doesn't realize anything is wrong. he's a fucking narcissist and doesn't pay the slightest bit of attention to how other people act around him.

the next day, he was gone for another "work trip".

i am run completely ragged and i don't know how much longer i can take this. i find myself wishing someone else could take it out of my hands so that i don't have to be responsible for destroying our whole family.

anyways. am i the asshole for being a coward?

a bit of extra INFO as well though: as far as i'm aware, my parents are in a bit of a dead bedroom situation (frankly. my mom likes to oversshare.) so uh. at the very least i know she's not getting whatever diseases my dad surely must have by now.

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[ax-y10]

this is an incredibly self-indulgent request, but maybe a reader who has a speech impediment and feels insecure about their voice and wilbur being all soft and fluffy about it ??

Love Through Jumbled Words

In which- It's hard to understand you, but Wilbur finds ways

Definition of a speech impediment: Speech disorders or speech impairments are a type of communication disorder in which normal speech is disrupted. This can mean fluency disorders like stuttering, cluttering or lisps. Someone who is unable to speak due to a speech disorder is considered mute.

Chapter Info: Stuttering, Fluff, Wilbur being a soft man, Cuteness, I'm too lazy to look through for anything else

A/n: I had no clue what a speech impediment was, and when I searched it up, I realised I have a speech impediment (stuttering) so I have to write this with a reader who stutters because I sadly can't relate to anything else, sorry. I also decided to do a platonic and romantic version separate with a short blurb at the bottom of each. This is long so sorry

Pronouns: None (You/Yours)

Masterlist:

Platonic (Friend)-

When Wilbur first started talking to you, he immediately realised that he would have to help you through many things, such as ordering food or talking to other people.

And when you trusted him enough to open up, he found out that you had always had problems with things like that, stuttering through every sentence.

And that exact moment is when he opened up about his stutters from kindergarten and primary school, and how he overcame them, offering to help you through yours.

When he introduced you to his friends, they would make light-hearted jokes about your small stutters, but would immediately apologise and call it cute.

Especially when you tried to introduce yourself and got really frustrated while trying to state your name, them obviously being great people and waiting for you.

And they definitely got pissed off at Wilbur when he tried to help, even though you were getting through it, them not knowing that you had asked him to help.

And Tommy (That fucking jerk) would have already had a nickname for you when he heard you through that very first discord call on Wilbur's account.

They obviously loved you from when they met you.

And introducing Wilbur to your closest friends would be an experience... to say the least.

The first comment one of them made was "Is he your boyfriend? Y/N WITH A BOYFRIEND?"

And oh my god did that start an argument between everyone.

But you brushed the comment off... After laughing at Wilbur's shocked expression.

They loved him to say the least

Okay- they adored the lanky bastard -but don't talk about that

Everyone was so welcoming for Wilbur, and he loved your friends.

And helping you get through it was so tough but you guys got it, through months of therapy and practice.

As he sat down across from you at the coffee shop, he realised just how shy you were. One of his friends had given him your number from college, and he had asked you to meet up at the coffee shop down the road from campus. You both hadn't talked to each other in person, which definitely made communication hard. And when you greeted yourself, stuttering through it, he realised how hard it would be to understand you. But luckily for you, he had such a large amount of patience and understanding, having had the same problem as a child.

Platonic (Sibling)-

Him being your older brother, there was definitely going to be so much overprotectiveness in that household.

He wouldn't let anyone near you who decided to make even the most light-hearted joke that you didn't care about, near you.

Like, he would beat them up if they did that

He doesn't care. His Y/n needs to be safe and out of harms way because you are way too special to him

And the funniest part of the whole situation was that he is only 1 year older than you, making it seem weird but it's cute because he cares for you so much.

He is always next to you or helping you throughout conversations or even saying something simple.

When you were both in school, he would beg for the principal and his teachers to sit in class with you to make sure you were doing alright.

Although he was the same age as lots of your classmates, you were still a grade below him.

And everyone in your classes loved him so much.

He was always a sort of underdog in school, so having that attention from other students definitely boosted his confidence and ego, and he got a lot more popular with the younger students, often helping them out at after school events.

He also got into being a bit more mischievous in school, that making him more popular

He would never forget to help you with anything at all.

They were the reason he asked your parents if he could do sports with you, because the kids that liked him were your friends, and you played sports with them.

He definitely didn't join because he wanted to help with your stutters and to boost his ego more...

He was always the kindest person with other people.

"Excuse me, miss?" He asked the principal. He never really learnt teachers names, calling them 'miss' or 'sir', but he had a question nagging at the back of his head for weeks, and he couldn't hold it in any longer. "What's the matter, Mister Soot?" The principal replied with a somewhat annoyed tone, him jumping back slightly. "Would it be alright if I was able to sit in with some of my sister's classes? She has a stutter and struggles with communicating with people and I feel really bad not being there for her. Even if it's once a week. Anything works. Please?" After a little while of pondering from the principal, his hopes lowering from each passing second of silence, she finally speaks up. "Fine. But you need to let your teacher know when you're going to her classes, and you need to attend at least two out of the four lessons you have each day." He was finally excited for once today, and you could tell wen he stumbled into your second lesson of the day, him sitting in the seat next to you and immediately helping you.

Romantic (Relationship) -

When he first had a conversation with you that night in the parking lot of Tesco's, and when you both exchanged numbers that night, he knew it would take time to overcome your stutter or at the very least, die it down a little but.

But he would never push anything onto your shoulders.

Your very first date was definitely the fluffiest thing ever. It wasn't so public as others would definitely recognise him, and you had openly told him about your insecurity with your stutter, so he decided to keep it inside the comfort of his apartment dining room, a cute spaghetti date.

After each bite, you would both look up at each other and when you attempted to make small talk, he would be so patient with your stutters, just admiring you and the way you got so frustrated when you kept repeating vowels.

Now, we all know this man is very touchy and loves affection

So you better be prepared for hugs everytime you get a sentence correct without a stutter or interruption

Even if it was as simple as your first "I love you" without a stutter, he would be all over you (not in the weird wat obv), and smothering you in affection, so proud of your progress.

He would definitely kiss you if you aren't able to finish a sentence after repeatedly trying to complete it, giving you a fresh start, and making you stutter even more due to the sudden affection, and he would keep doing it until you just couldn't bother talking.

Anytime you would try to talk to him when tired and in bed next to him, he would just stare at your lips while you attempt to talk to him, but falling asleep and not being able to get your statement out

And it would be so hard to complete a sentence when tired because your stuttering would just get worse, but to him, you would just get cuter.

If you ever asked his friends about how much he talks about you, they wouldn't be able to count it in their head, Wilbur would have to explain.

And everytime he talks about you, it would always somehow bring up your cute stutter, and how he loves it when you aren't able to form a string of words, and him having to end up ordering food for you.

He just loves you and helping you through your stutter and your stutter and your cute frustrated hand movements and your stressed eyes when you aren't able to get a food order out at a restaurant and when you're embarrassed when you have to talk to a fan of his and keep failing.

he loves every part of you and your cute self.

And he would just be so patient with you when you are trying to say something important to you, like when you want to go somewhere with him the next day, or what to eat for dinner, or anything in general.

Anyway, he just loves every part of you.

"And I- I sa- saw the cute- st little kitt- tte- kitten today on the stre- street and I took a ph- photo of i- it for you and I- I want to sho- show you bef- befor- before we go t- to bed?" You stuttered out tiredly. He didn't reply, but just kept staring at your face, illuminated by the moonlight shining through the blinds of your shared bedroom. "D- Darling?" "Oh yeah, I'd love to see the photo. I just love cats, but not as much as you" He spoke, causing you to chuckle slightly. You pulled your phone off the charger from behind you, unlocked it and pulled up the photo to show him, a cute little ash grey kitten right in front of his face on the screen. And soon after the conversation slowly died down, he realised you had fallen asleep. Pulling you closer into him, he fell asleep not too long after.

#wilbur soot #wilbur soot imagine #wilbur soot x reader #wilbur soot fic #wilbur soot x you #wilbur #wilbur imagines #wilbur soot headcanons #wilbur headcanons #wilbur x reader #wilbur x you #wilbur fic #speech impediment #request #tommyinnit #wilbur just being a scrunkly little guy #but speech impediments are so cute #I told my friends to fuck off while i wrote this /j

[bestjeanistmonster]

How did dc au sonic and shadow meet? Was it like Harley Quinn where they met while sonic was Nicky in Arkham? Where Harley was one of the only nice people there to ivy . Or was it like animated series where they just knew of each other due to reputation?

It was a mix of both!

Sonic and Shadow met like they did in the original batman animated series

Sonic had screwed up and gotten kicked out by Eggy onto the streets, leaving him to fend for himself so out of spite he goes on a solo heist to steal the ‘harlequin diamond’ from a museum

Telling himself that he’s doing it for himself and no one else but he’s doing it to like prove himself to Eggy (even though he technically ‘out’ he’s still very much brainwashed and doesn’t really have a purpose or sense of self besides serving Eggy in, so even though he was kicked out Eggman knows that when he calls he’ll just come running back)

Sonic was real stealthy, dodging laser sensors, security cameras and then using as tool to carve a circle in the glass case that had the diamond in it and he’s so close-

Then the alarm starts blaring like crazy and a black and red hedgehog slides into the room holding onto something and runs through all the laser sensors

And Sonic’s like wtf????

Then he's just like, "fuck it", breaks the glass steals the diamond and runs in the same direction as the guy with the security guards after them and he hears police sirens already from outside

He finds a hiding place and then he's face to face with the guy that tripped the alarm

"Nice job tripping the alarm, why don't ya turn on the bat-signal while you're at it?!"

"You think i wanted to get caught?!!"

"Coulda fooled me!"

They have a mini fight before security show up and they’re forced to work together to evade capture, they escape off into the night on Shadow bike (the only reason Shadow didn’t leave him behind was cuz he didn’t want this guy tattling on him if he got arrested)

They get to a temp base of shadow’s and catch their breath, Shadow recognises Sonic as Eggman's right hand and is immediately on edge but Sonic is like, "me and the Doc are kinda having a rough time at the moment, so im kinda on my own rn, im sure it’ll blow over though.” He said with a nervous smile

Now when they had physically fought earlier Shadow was surprised to see that this clown actually posed a bit of a challenge for him. Shadow usually didn’t care what people thought about themselves or others, but with Sonic being the only person he’s met to actually give him a good fight and to hear him talk so low of himself actually came off as an indirect insult towards Shadow and he would not stand for slander

So Shadow ends up saying smthn like, "Look imma be honest but you’re a bit of a doormat and squandering your potential so much that it's pissing me off a lil bit." Then takes him with him on a city wide rampage to kinda build up that self esteem and give the guy a bit of independence

And from there the rest is history

Nicky and Shadow met during the internship

The first was when Nicky had to ask him some questions about eggman cuz he was in group therapy with Eggman until Eggy killed the psychiatrist and wanted to know if there was something, anything that he could further ask Eggman about so he could use it to get Eggman open up more during their interviews

To get him to go away Shadow told him the little he knew

Then Nicky returned a week and a half later thank him

Nicky: Dr Eggman fessed up, thanks to you

Shadow: I didn’t do anything.

Nicky: (raises eyebrow) you told me about his grandfather

Shadow: that was barely information. I wouldn’t have even told you about it if you were going to be so smug about it

Nicky: (shrugs) eh like it or not you helped me (slips plant cutting into the food delivery box) everyone needs help sometime, and since you wanna wipe humans from the face of the earth…

Shadow: (picks up clipping) so what? You cut a *plant* for me? I could kill you with this.

Nicky: (smiles and walks away from cell) yeah. I guess you could.

Shadow:…

Nicky had read his file before talking to him and in the notes it said that Shadow felt more comfortable around plants due to the nature of his biology and abilities

Shadow has a cell in Arkham with zero plants around just in case he got out of that power restricting collar they made all of the inmates wear and raised hell

So Nicky giving Shadow that plant cutting was him doing Shadow a solid for helping him out with this even though there is a risk of that collar coming off and him breaking out, cuz if he didn’t manage to get it off Nicky supposed that he’d still feel more at ease in his cell with a plant around

Shadow didn’t realise they were the same person till prison roll call

#sonic the hedgehog #sonic #sth #sonadow harlivy au #jeanist answers

[whaliiwatching]

Caught up to the fic!! Absolutely fascinated by all the queer/punk/poc history here, since I don't know much myself. Very sweet chapter as well.

Unrelated question - mostly - but why is it common fanon to depict Noir as the more scarred up of various spiderpeople? Naturally everyone has their fair share of fights, though the only we see sustaining any marks is Peter B and his misaligned nose. Personally, I've taken it as Noir Peter not healing as cleanly due to it being Spider God stuff over Weird Radioactive Healing Factor stuff. Thoughts?

thank you so much!! i’m glad you liked it, & hope the ending was satisfying for ya <3

short answer: hot

long answer, plus a map of my idea of noir’s scars: under readmore :)

i’m not a devout spidey comic/movie fan or a doctor. this is based on conjecture and minimal research!

when i came up with my unmasked noir ideas, i wasn’t influenced by fanon—i hadn’t seen any other fan art, not even when itsv came out. but i can think of a good few reasons that scarred noir is a popular headcanon: evidence of what he’s been through makes him feel more tangible/relatable, the visual difference enhances his thematic individuality as distinct from other spider-people (especially other Peter Parkers), self-consciousness can explain why he doesn’t take off his mask in itsv even around other spiders.

all perfectly valid and interesting reasons! but the first two reasons are doylist and the last one is missing a crucial question: why does he have scars? unless a wound is severe, gets infected, or gets lucky, it won’t usually scar. facial injuries especially need to be really bad to leave a mark. and of course most if not all other spider-people have the healing factor. so what gives??

i like the spider god’s curse influences healing factor idea; it opens up some nice angsty possibilities regarding an inability to Be “Fixed;” no matter how much he tries, he can’t erase/forget what’s happened to him. but i also enjoy the bandaging someone up after a fight genre of fic, and am annoyingly pedantic, so my personal working theory is that the healing factor is not a doctor with ten plus years of experience and an accurate understanding of human anatomy. when a bone really badly breaks, it has to be reset or it’ll heal wrong. to me, the healing factor doesn’t know what ‘right’ is, only ‘fast’ and ‘effective.’ it’s an accelerant, not a substitute for medicine.

so let’s establish the baseline. modern spideys either receive modern medical attention or the injury is superficial enough that they don’t require it. even poverty-stricken peter parkers get rushed to the hospital, because fictional doctors Don’t Care About The Money and/or peter is dolled up in spider gear and who’s going to ignore a visibly beat-up celebrity hero?? plus i honestly believed peter b’s nose was just genetics or smthn. my nose is misaligned and it’s never been broken to my knowledge

to compare, noir lives in 1933 and, far as i can tell, doesn’t rlly garner the same fame and respect from the public as modern spideys do. in the 30s, medicine was meh (they had x-rays but didn’t rlly consider radiation much of a threat, penicillin was still in its infancy, polio was a huge threat, etc) but was also, more importantly, far too expensive for most people suffering during the Great Depression. whatever treatment noir receives after a fight, if any, would look way different from ours. that means his healing factor, which can’t differentiate scars from normal skin or a misaligned bone from a whole one, would be inefficiently assisted or left alone. it would leave its history behind.

on the infectious disease side of things, it’s probably much easier for even noir to recover from less physical ailments like the flu and pneumonia—spider healing factor likely remembers and codes for immunity better than regular immune systems—but without modern drug therapies he’d still be worse for wear, ie internal scarring. mans would have a shorter-than-average parker lifespan if not for the pseudo-immortality of the Spider God

anyway. all this to say, here’s my personal map of parker’s scars. crop tank and daisy dukes to keep tumblr off my ass <3

(tbh this is more for my reference than anyone else’s, i’m sick of looking through my art of Just His Forearms to keep my details consistent, but maybe someone will find it interesting lol)

#spider man: into the spiderverse #spider noir #peter parker #fan theory #also only kind of #general medical history for the 30s is weirdly hard to pin down #half the sources were locked under subscription and the other half were frustratingly vague #but i did my best 👍👍👍 #it’s a lot more like deadpool’s healing than traditional spidey healing #he can’t regrow a limb tho lol #the 70s were much better for medical breakthroughs like the mri #and hobie has a community that loves and supports him so he probably doesn’t scar often #but noir is mostly alone. aside from aunt may and a couple of Not Doctor friends.. #well. y’know #anyway thanks for the interest!!! i love it when peopel give me the opportunity to be overly scrupulous about things that dont matter

[prettyoddgarden]

Patrick Bateman Does Coke Off of Fem Readers Boobs  

gif by @/taissaifarmiga

No warnings just cocaine usage

A silly note from me - Patrick is a little less unhinged since he's married and goes to therapy 💀I've had an idea like this forever but a character I've been hyper fixated on just didn't fit and now that I'm in love with Patrick and it's canon he does coke this was my perfect chance to do this. also this is my first fanfic I've posted 💀Lol okay yeah now read 💋

"Be right back, going to pee." I say as I get off the bed heading to the bathroom after another second round with Patrick. Reaching down, picking one up of his white button downs from the floor and my underwear.

While making my way to the bathroom, Patrick went to change the song to Blue Monday by New Order. I gave him a mix of my favorites which he seemed to enjoy. I'm a little surprised he would like anything I picked due to his specific taste in music. 

As I’m walking out of the bathroom my eyes begin to focus. It’s Patrick in some silk pajama bottoms. He looks at me with his charming smile. As if he wants to sell me something. I've seen this look before in meetings with him when he's presenting a new idea. He just has a look in his eyes that makes me feel so wanted. 

"Patrick I'm done for the night." I give him a puppy eye look leaning on the bedroom door frame. 

He continues to look at me while holding a little bag of something "No (y/n). Not that. Not until after this." Winking at me.

I look down to see the contents of the bag. Blow. I'm a little taken aback he would want to do it at home. It's not like we haven't done coke together before. He just seems to prefer to do it in a small bathroom of a restaurant or club.

I smile walking towards the bed "So what idea do you have Mr. Bateman?" 

"Haha well Mrs. Bateman, I was thinking of doing some blow, but I don't want to get my tables dirty. It also seems you haven't showered yet."

I listen to him carefully and lay sideways on our shared bed with some of the softest sheets from Santa Fe. I honestly could look at his body all day. The way his muscles curve and flex with every step he takes. He just looks so unreal. 

"Mmhmm. So where should we do it? We can just get one of my cards. I do have my heart spoon necklace in my purse." As I point to my bag that was thrown in the living room.

"No, I have another idea and I need to have your full attention (y/n)."

I give him a concerned yet listening look. "You have it."

Patrick walks towards me with a devious look. He takes my sideways legs and brings them to hang off the edge of the bed. 

"Scoot back, I want a better view." 

I do so by giving him a smile, resting my head on the pillow while he straddles me. I stare at him then to his hands, still unsure of what Patrick is thinking. 

"Even though you look stunning in Tommy Hilfiger, take it off." The ending of that sentence sounds so demanding, but so sexy.

He stares at me as I start unbuttoning the shirt. We lock eyes. I unbutton the shirt slowly giving him a delicate look. He looks somewhat impatient.

"God (y/n) you're such a tease." Patrick uttered with a scoff as he pushed my hands to unbutton the shirt himself. Giving me the small bag of blow. I only giggled to lighten the mood a bit and seemed to work. Patrick started to have a little grin. Again I could stare at him forever. I watch as his hands unbutton the shirt on me exposing my boobs to him.

"Ahh now I see. You're gonna fuck me then use me as your personal table? Woah Patrick and I thought I was your wife." I asked 

He grabs my left boob to shut me up. "If you don't keep your words to a minimum we'll have round 3 right now."

I nod my head showing I'm now taking it more seriously. Patrick moves his hand from my breast and opens his palm for me to hand him the coke. I do so as he opens the bag. He comes closer to me and takes the edge of the bag. He starts to take the bag pouring it in a straight line along my right breast right above my nipple. As he does so I feel every move Patrick makes with his hand as he has his left hand on my side while his right hand continues making a line. 

"Mm perfect." Patrick says pleased with himself. "Are you ready (y/n)?"

"Mmhmm go for it."

Patrick lowers his head down making direct eye contact. As he does so time feels like it's slow down. He connects his nose with the start of the line making sure it's precise. Patrick seems to have a calm eagerness about it. I continue to track his face with my eyes. He starts to move his head from left to right as the drug goes up his nose. He lifts his head up sniffing to make sure the coke goes down his nose. Then time goes back to normal. 

"Fuck. Surprised you stayed so still" Patrick grumbles sitting back up straight straddling me still. 

"Me too. If I'm being honest. I think I was just too forced on your face" I smile stating my sentence. "I actually really liked that we should do that again. Maybe when we're out."

"You're right. Your tits are amazing to do coke on (y/n). Hmm just like I thought. " 

"OH please Patrick. Okay now get off so I can get my necklace from my purse." I say patting his chest. 

He does so and I get up walking to the living room. While walking I button up the shirt a bit.

"So Patrick, what gave you that idea? It seemed very spontaneous, especially for you." I question him.

"Well if I'm being honest whenever I see you in a push up bra I always think about putting a glass on top with the way your tits just sit so nicely. Then I thought about what it would be like if I could coke on them." Patrick answers. I'm not oblivious, I've seen the way Patrick looks at me whenever I wear a dress that would showcase my boobs when we decide to go out to dinner or the club. Never a day in my life I would think something so childish is a thought Patrick would have. 

"Now that's a different thought of yours. I like how honest you are now." I say walking through the door getting into bed with Patrick. He hands me the baggie of snow smiling. I dip my tiny gold spoon in the bag and sniff it. I sat up next to him. I look at the wall clock, "I mean it's only 11:30 and we don't have an appointment tomorrow morning till 12 in the afternoon. We could go out or-" My sentence was stopped by a heated kiss from Patrick.

He breaks from the kiss staring into my eyes. "How about you go take shower, I'll meet you there, and we’ll do round 3 there? How does that sound?" 

"It does sound better." I give him one last kiss, grinning and head to the bathroom smiling. 

#patrick bateman #patrick bateman x reader #patrick bateman x female reader #american psycho

[not-a-space-alien]

K&J x MMSS 4: Valen & Jim Part 9

Part nine of the fourth crossover with @whumpsday!

Sorry I've been slow getting these out--I've been suffering some writer's block due to some personal stuff I've got going on IRL. I'll admit that I'll probably be putting a liiiitle less effort into polishing the crossover fics from hereon out, but we got a lot of enthusiasm for them so I'm going to keep them coming even if they're a bit messy! There's still a lot of fun stuff in there imo :)

Also this ch is pretty long just because I couldn't find a good place for a chapter break!

K&J masterlist

MMSS masterlist

K&J x MMSS crossover masterlist

To be added to the taglist, contact @whumpsday

Warnings: Capture, dehumanization, nonconsentual bondage/restraint, gag/muzzle, mentions of rape and torture

In this chapter: Valen's fear of getting hatecrimed creeps towards plausibility, but even moving doesn't save Valen from an unexpected nightmare. Luckily this time, he has people looking for him.

***

It's unheard of for anyone to escape vampire territory after years of captivity, and a pretty big shock that another vampire helped him do it. Though it doesn't garner quite the response an inspirational solo escape story might, it's still an incredible tale of something really unusual and an unlikely alliance between humans and vampires, and the media eats it up. Jim does do several interviews about it, wearing the turtlenecks that have recently become his regular wear.

He's purposely vague about Valen, knowing that he doesn't want to be in the limelight. He doesn't even mention him by name. He doesn't mention Kane or any other vampire by name either, worried about Kane being able to find him somehow if he got access to human media. He's given a writer permission to write a book about his experience. She's not pushy like a lot of other journalists, and is intent on getting it right.

Life goes on. Jim helps Valen collect mushrooms. He goes vegetarian. Liz is back to patrolling. Liz makes Jim try therapy, but his preferred method of dealing with it is thinking about it as little as possible, so he drops it fairly early on. Talking with the writer is already pushing it.

Reporters will sometimes come to their house.  Valen is thrown into anxious spirals every time, terrified there’s going to be an incident.  But the visits die down over the first half a year. Jim doesn't reveal that Valen is living with him, but it's figured out anyway. People who know Liz and see her change from constant anger and depression to actually having some life back in her are grateful to Valen.  But many people who don't know Jim and Liz are more hostile: this is an area where a lot of people have been affected by vampire attacks, to boot. They're getting left angry notes.

Valen goes out with Jim during the day, since Jim is still nervous about leaving the house at night.  Valen is also nervous about leaving the house, so he doesn’t go to human stores or anything.  He either asks Jim to get him things, or goes back to vampire territory and just nervously looks over his shoulder for anyone from the Kithrara estate.

He goes out to get mushrooms, though. He keeps working on his project.  He avoids the media, unless someone contacts him directly and is really polite.  If humans approach him, he's very polite and doesn't dodge them, but he does excuse himself before too long.  He's not antisocial, but he is shy.  He likes spending time with Laken, Liz, and Jim, and will socialize with people they deem safe.

One day, Jim and Valen are getting ready to go gather mushrooms while Liz is fast asleep. It's getting hotter out now in the summer. Jim tosses Valen the keys to his car, since Valen is already ready to go. "Hey, can you start the AC running so we don't cook in there while I finish getting dressed? If you're cool with that."

"Sure thing, Jim, dear."  He secures his mask to his face, doublechecking that he's completely covered, and heads out, approaching the car in the driveway to unlock it and turn it on.

A man and woman are chatting idly while walking their dog on the other side of the street. When Valen comes out, the man hands the leash to the woman and encourages her to go home, crossing the street and approaching while she leaves.

"Hey!" he calls, looking pissed-off. "It's bad enough there's a vampire in our neighborhood being supervised, now you're out in broad daylight on your own?!"

Valen stops in his tracks and starts to back away.  "I apologize, sir, I'm not doing anything nefarious.  My-my associate is coming out shortly."

"Yeah, yeah, you saved the Lieberman kid. Well guess what, he's not the only one who lives here! You're scaring my wife, my kids won't play outside anymore!" He pushes Valen.

Valen stumbles back, scrambling back towards the house.  "I-I assure you I pose no threat to your family, sir, I've done n-nothing to pose a threat to them."

"You're a fucking vampire! You being here is a threat! Thought the hunters were supposed to protect us!"

Jim comes downstairs shortly, pushing the door open. "Hey, what's going on?"

"Keep that thing on a leash." The man spits and walks off.

"F-fuck off!" Jim shouts, but it loses its impact since the man is already leaving and Jim's voice always wavers when saying anything defiant. He runs to Valen, hugging him. "Are you okay?"

Valen's face is downcast, eyes on the ground.  "Um...Yes, I'm not, I wasn't in any physical danger..."  He sounds extremely disheartened.  "That man said his wife and children are afraid of me.  I-I wanted to say he should let me speak to them, so they could see there's no danger, but I doubt that would have been very well received."

"That's not the kind of okay I mean." Jim sighs. "I've been kinda... thinking. That maybe we should move or something. Somewhere more secluded, where you wouldn't have to worry about shit like that. Not too far away from Liz obviously, but y'know. How would you feel about that?"

Valen rubs his arm.  "That's probably for the best...but it feels bad they won't even give me a chance.  Is there really nothing I can do to win them over?"

"Prolly some people, but not all. Some people are always gonna have their heads in the sand." Jim wonders if his parents would've approved of him and Valen. He's pretty sure they would- Valen brought him back, after all, and they were wonderful loving people, but he can't know for sure. They hated vampires. He doesn't even know for sure if they'd approve of him being gay. He never got a chance to ask.

"You don't need that asshole's approval. I was thinking we could wait 'til the book comes out, Mindy said it'll only be a few more months. And then we could use money from that to find a place. Or we could use some of the stuff you took from Priscus, if you wanted to do it sooner, but that's your call."

Valen still seems downcast.  He wants to try and show everyone who he really is, but there is no way to do it without putting himself at risk and making everyone even more uncomfortable.

They end up buying the house and moving sooner rather than later, when Jim finds Valen crying over the latest hatemail he's received one too many times.  When he starts being too afraid to leave the house even at night, that's how he knows it's time to go.

Moving is easy with Valen's superior strength and Liz's truck.  The house isn't huge, but it's nice and cozy, and it has a basement with no windows.  Valen doesn't expect Jim to want to be down there at all, but it's nice to know it's an option if Valen ever wants to rest somewhere where there's no chance the sun can get him.

***

Their life there is cozy, until one day Valen doesn't come home.

Jim freaks out fast. Valen doesn't ever just not come home. And when Jim didn't come home, it was the worst thing that ever happened to him- even though it led to meeting Valen, one of the best.

He calls Liz first, of course. She has connections with other hunters, and the first thing he wants to rule out is that Valen's been killed. The worst-case scenario, and unfortunately, what he thinks is the most likely one. He can't stop crying. He wants to go to Liz, but he doesn't. He has to be home if Valen comes back.

Liz calls around, asking if anyone in various branches have seen a vampire matching Valen's description in the last day. The last two days. The last three days. She ends up on the phone with the director of a branch a day-trip away, who finally confirms that Valen has been seen. And he's alive. He's been captured, and he's being... experimented on for weapons testing.

Liz informs the director who Valen is, and politely asks to please let them pick Valen up today.

"I'm sympathetic to your story, but are you quite sure this merits release?" the director asks her.  "Live capture of vampires is quite a difficult feat."

Liz's heart pounds. There's no way she's leaving Valen there, but it would be a lot easier if he'd hand him over. "He's never hurt a human in his life. The opposite, he's actively saved a human from capture. He's accompanied me or my partner on hunts on a few occasions, when one of us was out of commission. He's working on synthesizing artificial blood vampires can live off of out of mushrooms. Hell, he's an innocent person. Those should all... merit release, right?" She's trying really hard not to blow up on him.

The director puts her on hold.  Then, a few minutes later, he asks if he can call her back, because he needs to discuss it with some other people in the branch.

"Yeah, of course. I'll- I'll be here. Please call back."

Liz calls Jim immediately- she doesn't stay on the line long, giving a quick summary and a location, wanting to keep the line open for when the director calls. Jim is on his way the second Liz gives him the info, gathering two blood packs and a spare change of full-coverage clothes and a mask in case Valen's own have been compromised. He needs to get there right now. He needs to save Valen.

He doesn't know whether he'll get there to people willing to give Valen back, or hostile hunters refusing to. He can't stop crying, hasn't been able to stop crying for days, but now it's making driving harder. Despite it, he goes as fast as he can.

The director calls back a while later--an annoyingly, stupidly long time later--and he says that he's talked to some people from Liz's branch of the hunter's guild.  There is plenty of anecdotal evidence that Valen is not dangerous--but there are also testimonies from neighbors who lived in concern for their safety for quite a long time, and the director says that he has an obligation to protect the innocent people whose safety he has been entrusted with and can find no strong basis on which to support the release of this vampire.  He does say that Liz is free to appeal, which would start the process of gathering a committee to draft a resolution outlining under what circumstances a vampire can be released, since this is such a rare issue and there is no precedent for how to handle it.

Liz wants to pull her hair out. "Valen doesn't- he hasn't been neighbors with those people for years. He moved away when the concerns were initially raised. He keeps away from humans. But, yeah," Her voice breaks. This is the second time someone she loves has been kidnapped. "I wanna start an appeal. Can you at least just... not hurt him? He hasn't done anything. Please."

The director puts her on hold again.  Then when he comes back:  "I've phoned the hunter's base where he is and told them not to start any new experiments.  Thank you for your patience through this irregular situation."

"Thank you." She doesn't want to thank the bastard who approved Valen's torture, but being cordial to this man is now the most important thing. "Um, one more thing. My brother, he and Valen are, obviously close. He's kind of already on his way. Can you at least let him see Valen?"

The director hems and haws.  "I suppose that should be all right, as long as it's supervised."

"Thank you. Please keep me updated."

Jim arrives a few hours later. The things he brought are stuffed in his backpack, and he knocks hard and fast on the door until someone opens it. His eyes are red and puffy. When someone opens it, he cries, "Please don't hurt Valen! Please, he didn't do anything, please let him go!" before the other person can get a word in.

The person who answers is a gruff-looking woman with spiked hair.  She opens the door, is yelled at for a few seconds, and then looks bewildered.  "Wha-  Who are you?"

"My name's Jim Lieberman. Please. He didn't do anything, please let him go." Jim begs. "I swear to god, Valen is the kindest, most harmless person on earth, human or vampire. Please."

She huffs.  "Ah, shit.  Okay.  All right."  She opens the door and lets Jim in.  "Lex!" she calls into the building.  Her leg is in a boot, and she drags it across the floor into the next room, where another woman with bandages over her nose is sitting on a couch.  "Lex, I knew something was up with that fucking vampire.  Listen to what this guy is saying."

"I'm Jim Lieberman, Valen, the, the vampire you- kidnapped-" He's on the verge of tears, again. "He saved me. And he's never hurt anyone, ever. Please, you can't just- this is supposed to be what hunters are against. Kidnapping random innocent people. Please, where is he?"

Lex's face falls.  "Oh my god.  Okay."  She stands up and comes over.  "I'm sorry, Jim, we--We thought something was strange, so we brought him back alive, but then Nick wormed his way into the situation.  Has anyone talked to the director about this?"

"Fuck the director," Ari says.  "I'm making an executive decision of fuck the director."  She walks to the basement door with an unsteady gait and turns the knob, opening the door.  "He's downstairs."  Through the now-open door, Jim can hear Valen sobbing miserably and wordlessly calling out hysterically.

Jim runs down the stairs and straight to the horrible fucking cage with the love of his life inside. "Valen!" he sobs, tears spilling over again. "It's, it's gonna be okay, I'm here, I've gotcha."

Valen's tear-stained face breaks into an expression of relief at seeing Jim, and he sticks his hands through the bars as far as they'll go before the chains stop him. He is topless, wearing a muzzle, and already covered in burn marks.

There's a man at a desk catty-corner to the cage with the hysterical vampire inside of it. He looks up, irritated, as Jim enters. "And what do you think you're doing?"

Jim takes Valen's hands in his, holding them tight. "I'm taking him home. You- you need to let him go. Please." He takes a shuddering breath and repeats his story that worked on the hunters upstairs. "My name is Jim Lieberman. This is Valen, the vampire who saved me from spending my life as a bloodbag." He's so much more than that. "He's never hurt anyone. You're torturing an innocent person. Please fucking let him out of this thing."

"This creature is capable of killing me with a word. I think it will be staying right where it is."

Valen lets out a pitiful whine and tugs on Jim's hand.

There's a clomping sound on the stairs, and Ari appears coming down. "You're so full of shit, Nick. You're not even the one who got your ass beat bringing that thing here. We didn't take him here for you to play with, we wanted answers, and you're done dodging the issue."

Nick looks stormy.

Jim keeps holding Valen's hands. "He's not a thing or an it! Stop treating him like he's not a person! Of, of course he fought back, Valen wouldn't hurt a fly even if someone was screaming in his face, you were kidnapping him! Wouldn't you fight back? If you were him?" He looks up at the spiky-haired woman tearily. "Please help. Please let me take him home. Please, I love him."

Ari sighs and rubs her temples. "All right, I've spent the last two days sitting upstairs trying to decide how I feel about this situation, and this raving lunatic showing up here rabid about this vampire being innocent is enough to push me off the fence. Nick, give him the keys."

"I beg your pardon," Nick says, eyes narrowed.

"Give him the keys, let him take the vampire home."

"You have no authority to tell me to do that," Nick says hotly.

"Oh! You're right. Sorry." She unholsters her revolver and points it at him. "How about now?"

Nick narrows his eyes. "You wouldn't dare."

Lex makes a "cut it out" motion across her neck to Nick, but Ari has already pulled the trigger and put a slug in the floor inches away from Nick's foot with a huge BANG, causing him to jump.

Jim screams and flinches hard when the gun goes off, eyes wide. He's not as terrified as Valen, but he's still terrified.

"The keys," Ari says brusquely.

Jaw set with hatred, Nick comes over and hands a keyring to Jim. He takes the keys from Nick and shakily unlocks the cage, reaching in and pulling Valen out.

"I've got you. I've got you. It's okay, we're gonna go home." He goes to take the muzzle off.

"Do me a favor and take that off after you get outta here," Ari says. "I'm sure this guy is safe for you, but he's none too pleased with us." She reholsters her gun and moves between Jim and Nick, staring Nick down.

Lex comes over and helps Jim lift Valen out of the coffin. "I'm sorry," she says tearfully. "This was a huge mistake, I shouldn't have let this happen."

Valen shakily stands between them on wobbly legs, tears streaming down his face

"I at least need to take the cuffs off so he can get dressed, it's still light out." Jim protests, holding Valen close. "What- what did you do with his clothes? I brought an extra change, but..." But you're fucking monsters. Even Kane didn't strip me.

Jim sniffles. "Valen's the gentlest soul on the face of the planet." He doesn't know if even Valen might be pushed to his limit by this and fight, but he wouldn't blame him if he did.

"Absolutely not," Nick says. "Throw a blanket over him or something. That's a safety hazard."

"Shut up, Nick," Ari snarls. "The keys for the cuffs are on that keyring too. Unlock him if you want." She pointedly does not answer the question of where his clothes went.

"I'm sorry," Lex says. "I didn't realize how messed up this was. Here, let me help you get them off."

Jim takes the hint that they've destroyed his clothes. Even Valen's cute plague doctor mask. He similarly avoids responding with anything meaningful to Lex's apology- it's not okay. None of this is okay. A teary "Yeah." is all he says to her.

He takes the cuffs off with Lex, swings his backpack around, and takes out the change of clothes he brought. "Here, lemme help you get dressed. You're gonna be alright. Goin' home." Jim maneuvers Valen into the clothes until every inch of him is covered, putting the mask on over the muzzle. "Brought some blood packs, too. You can take that thing off and drink in the car. Won't even be- won't even be light for long."

Valen allows himself to be manhandled in Jim's hands, safely bundled up back up, covered, armored, eyes glazed over and distant, barely responding.

"I really don't know what the director will have to say about this," Nick says maliciously.

A growl rips from Valen's throat, and he suddenly comes to life, ripping the mask off, hands fumbling with the straps of the muzzle.

"Shit," Ari says, and Lex backs away nervously.

Valen repels all the hands on him and rips the muzzle off with an animalistic snarl. Then he does something Jim has never seen him do before: he uses persuasion.

"Tell them what you did to me last night," he barks at Nick, eyes aflame, face crunched with his fangs bared.

Nick's gaze goes soft and distant, hypnotized. "I raped you."

"See what the director has to say about that," Valen snarls, and he grabs Jim's wrist and drags him up the stairs.

Jim cries out in anguish at the confession, horrified. He wants to go right back down there and sock the guy, but getting Valen as far away from here as possible as fast as possible is more important. "You f-fucking piece of shit! I'll kill you!" he screams back downstairs Valen drags him out, sobbing.

He hands Valen the backpack. "I'm sorry, I'm s-so sorry it took me this long to find you. Fuck, I can't imagine- why would they do this?" It's not a real question. It feels like the universe is determined to have as much horrible bullshit as possible happen to him and the people he cares about. I don't know how Liz can believe in a loving god in this world.

Ari, it sounds like, is way ahead of Jim, because she also shouts "You fucking what?" And as they rush out and away from the scene, the sound of fists meeting face sounds out loud and clear from downstairs, accompanied by more enraged shouting.

Valen's enraged mask falls as soon as he's upstairs, and he lets go of Jim's hand, sagging against the wall and bursting into tears. He slides down to his knees, strapping his mask back on with fumbling hands.

Footsteps from behind them as the sound of Nick getting the shit beat out of him downstairs continues. Lex comes up, also in tears. "I didn't know he did that," she cries. "I'm so, so sorry. I had no idea he would do that."

Jim goes to stand protectively in front of Valen. Now that he has the damn muzzle off, they're safe. He doesn't need to hold back. "No, when you kidnapped him to torture him, you had no idea you were handing him directly over to a rapist! That makes it all fucking okay!" Jim yells at her. "What's wrong with you?!"

Lex shrinks back. "I didn't --it's compli--I'm sorry," she finally settles on. "I didn't--I thought he was, like, like--come on, you know what vampires are capable of, you know most of them are monsters!"

"Get- get away from us." Jim sobs. "You've done enough. Valen's not the monster here. You're the ones torturing people in an- in an evil lab."

Lex looks like she wants to defend herself, but before she can do so, Valen snaps,"Go back downstairs."

Lex's eyes go distant and she impassively turns and goes down the stairs.

Valen clings to Jim's knees. "Can we please go home now, Jim? Please?"

Jim's glad Valen can just use persuasion to make their exit smooth, even if the distant look he remembers from Kane's party still gives him the creeps. "Yeah, we're going home. Goin' home right now."

Jim helps Valen up and to the car, opening the passenger side door and ushering him in. "There's blood in the backpack, if you can get it under the mask. Here, actually." Jim takes off his flannel and hands that to Valen, too. "You can make a little tent if you don't wanna wait for sunset. We're going home. I'm taking you home. Not gonna let anyone hurt you ever again."

He gets in the driver's seat and pulls onto the road.

"Thank you, Jim. Th-thank you." Valen takes the flannel and curls up on the floor on the passenger's side, jamming himself underneath the glovebox and using the flannel as a blanket to cover himself. "I'm, I'm very grateful you thought to bring food, but I don't think I can eat anything right now."

"Yeah." Jim wipes his eyes as he drives, but more tears keep coming. "I thought, thought you were dead. That you might be dead. Liz's been calling all the hunter branches looking for you. I left as soon as we knew where you were. It's over now. He's not gonna get away with what he did t'you. I'm so sorry, Vale. W-what do you wanna do first, when we get home?" He hopes thinking about nice things like sleep in our own bed or take a bath might help him feel better. Grounded. Knowing he got out.

Valen sobs. "C-call Liz, I suppose. I was just walking, Jim, th-they didn't even give me a chance to talk, I know that's smartest for them so I didn't just use persuasion, but, but they didn't even give me a chance, Jim."

"They're awful." Jim agrees. "They're fucking awful. You're a damn teddy bear. You've never been a threat to anyone. I can't believe they just- they just took you."

He never wanted Valen to feel this way. What it feels like to get taken. And on top of that, the burns, and if that wasn't bad enough, the rape. As if Valen wasn't traumatized enough already, he can't be safe from it in vampire or human territory.

"We're gonna go home, and I'll treat your injuries, and you'll get all cleaned up and into some nice soft pajamas, and you'll be safe and sound." he promises.

Valen trembles on the floor of the car.  He's never felt this threatened by humans before.  Hunters, a little.  The bad neighbors, the potential for an angry mob to form--yes.  But he's never been so thoroughly terrorized by humans that any human feels like a threat.  He's...a little scared of Jim, somehow, inconceivably.  This must have been how Jim felt when Valen had saved him from Kane.

When they get home, Valen wordlessly goes down into the sunless basement, curling up underneath the stairs, still crying.

Jim calls Liz and lets her know what happened, and she immediately goes to come over. Jim puts the untouched blood packs back in the fridge, grabs a big fluffy blanket, and goes to the basement he seldom enters.

"Knock knock." he says softly. "Liz is coming over. She's gonna stay over a bit, make sure you're nice and protected." Since they weren't exactly supposed to take Valen. "Can I come down?"

Valen lets out a strangulated sob.  "Can--can you just give me a few minutes?  Can you maybe come back in twenty minutes?  Can you--can you lock the door and come back later?"

Jim is fucking heartbroken by how scared and miserable Valen sounds. "Course, whatever you want. Blanket incoming." He tosses the blanket over the side of the stairs. "I'll knock in twenty minutes, and if you don't want me down then either, it's okay. Lemme know if you need anything." His lip wobbles. He wishes he could take all the pain away, but he can't. "I love you." he says before he goes.

Valen just sits there, thinking about Jim, replaying in his mind the few days when they first met.  Valen saving Jim, comforting him.  The fact that the door is locked makes him feel secure--no one can get him.

He gradually starts to come down, and then he starts to want Jim.  He slowly gets to his feet and drags himself up the stairs the next time Jim knocks and opens the door.

He walks straight into Jim's arms, plonking his face in Jim's shoulder, sniffling.  "Thank you, Jim," he says, voice muffled.  "I love you too."

Jim holds Valen close, rubbing his back. "You will always be safe here." he promises. "I can't make the world less fucked up, but I can promise you'll always be safe in this house." Valen's made him feel safe for years. He's determined to do the same. "Liz'll be over in like, ten minutes. You want me to get some cream for your burns? Or you wanna just leave it to heal?"

Valen sniffles.  "Yes, please.  I would like it if you rubbed the burn cream on me.  I would like to see Liz.  Thank you."  He accompanies Jim to the bathroom.

Jim goes to take Valen's clothes off so he can see the injuries, but hesitates. "Can I see?"

Valen whimpers.  How had he not thought this far ahead?  This is Jim.  Jim is safe.  Jim has never been anything but safe.  But...it's going to take a while for this to wear off.  "I-I changed my mind, I don't want the cream that bad, I want to keep my clothes on.  Please don't take them off, I want to keep them on."

"Then they're staying on." Jim agrees. "Do you wanna put it on yourself?" But there are burns on his back, they'd be difficult to reach. "Or- if, if it makes you feel safer, you could hypnotize me and have me do it." It's Valen. He trusts Valen enough for that. "Or we can just forget about it and go wrap you up in a burrito on the couch."

Valen shakes his head.  The thought of using persuasion on Jim for anything but the most dire circumstances repulses him.  "Let's just leave them.  I would.  Would like to be a burrito."

"Then a burrito you'll be." Jim leads Valen back to the living room and bundles him up all nice and cozy, sitting right by his side.

Liz arrives shortly, bursting through the door and rushing over. "Valen!" she wails, hugging him. "I'm so glad you're okay!" She thought it was going to be another someone she loves is taken away forever situation.

Valen hugs her back.  "I'm so glad you were able to f-find me, Liz, thank you so much."  He hiccups between words.  "I-I don't know what I would have done w-without you."

Without us you never would have been in human territory in the first place. "Well, you got us. You got us for as long as we live. I'm your own personal bodyguard for the next few days, 'til we're sure everything's settled down. I don't think anyone's gonna come after you, but if anyone does, the great thing about silver bullets is they work even better on humans."

Valen clings to Liz and Jim both a lot over the next few days.  They get word that Nick has been fired, apparently at the pushing of the two women who had met them at the compound, who reported to the director what they'd found out when Valen had used persuasion on Nick.  Those two hunters also try to contact Valen--they eventually get word to Jim that they want to talk to Valen to apologize, but Valen says he doesn't want to talk to them, and tells Jim not to give them their number.

Valen still doesn't eat for a few days, and only breaks his fast when Jim and Liz finally force him to sit down and eat something.  It's a long, long time before Valen works up the courage to go outside again, and the only time he does it by himself is at night, when he has to make his weekly trip back to vampire territory to buy blood.  He continues to work on his project--at one point, the formula is far enough along that he can cut down on his trips to load up on blood to once a month.

The work is slowed down by Valen's newfound fear of leaving the house that Jim had promised is safe. But it is safe, safe and secure and still more than he ever thought he could have.

***

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[liskantope]

I think you're very much over estimating how much professionals know about autism. Especially the average professional tasked with making diagnoses. They don't know shit dude

I definitely have the impression that your average run-of-the-mill psychiatrist or neurologist without a very specialized background in autism doesn't actually know that much about it or the intricacies of how to detect it, let alone (say) a therapist. I'm not sure if they're the ones who are even able to give diagnoses in the first place, given that the usual claim (which I've always understood to be correct) given by advocates of autism self-diagnosis is that getting diagnosed for autism requires spending thousands of dollars and many hours of time to be put through very involved tests as specialized autism centers that may be geographically unfeasible. (The only reason I'm entertaining the idea that autism could be diagnosed by non-specialists with far less trouble is that I do hear of various conditions being diagnosed that way despite the existence of rigorous tests in specialized clinics: I took a 15-minute ADHD test at a regular psychiatric clinic for instance*, and the ex I mentioned recently elsewhere got a Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis from her therapist by request via what sounds to me like 10 minutes of the therapist asking her questions about herself during their therapy session.)

If we're talking about going to a clinic / testing center specializing in autism and going through a rigorous test evaluating whether the patient conforms to what the American Psychological Association has laid out as an intricate set of criteria for autism, then I have one question, which is probably going to sound naive, and which relates to the "diagnosis criteria is a poor checklist of stereotypes" part of the meme we were arguing over. Which is, isn't this then just tautologically the correct way to diagnose autism? Or in other words, isn't autism just defined according to a scientific model for which psychologists and neurologists have created their most official tests following their most precisely-set-out criteria? Of course, what is deemed "autism" could be modified by said scientists, which after all is the nature of science. Of course, people can argue over whether the current criteria cut autism poorly out of thingspace in ways that are biased due to differences in how autism presents across genders and ethnic/cultural backgrounds. Probably it is. But I would think that deciding that the formal diagnostic criteria for autism doesn't align with what autism Actually Is requires some delicate semantic heavy lifting, no?

And then, arguing that the larger swaths of non-professionals who are trying to determine if they have autism are still not on average even worse placed than the professionals with their perhaps flawed diagnostic criteria, in a world where the most common cultural conception of autism is still probably pretty close to "socially awkward, doesn't feel like they fit in, intense nerdy interests, personality of Sheldon Cooper", is another thing.

(I notice, by the way, that self-diagnosis advocates don't seem to mention whether the faultiness in professional diagnoses include a substantial number of people without autism being diagnosed as having autism, but it seems that should be a thing too if the professionals really "don't know shit"?)

I'm genuinely open to the idea that the dynamics around diagnoses and diagnostic criteria and how they're formed, etc., even on a philosophical level, is something I haven't understood or thought out well enough, though.

*and came out of the experience rather skeptical that the 15-minute test way of determining ADHD isn't BS

#autism #diagnoses #adhd #borderline personality disorder #big bang theory