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brighttears · 1 year

Text

Dusk III

Joel Miller x f!reader

No physical description, no use of y/n

Summary: You and Joel start getting closer, and it scares Joel. He tries to stop before you get too close, but it only ends up drawing you farther into each other.

Word count: 5.7k

Warnings: drinking, mentions of death, violence, death of an animal

A/n: Okay this is one gets pretty juicy like halfway through ... is also def better than the last two. also, the song used in there is Lilac Wine by Jeff Buckley

—

“Ravens and wolves are both creatures that represent dusk, the mixture of light and dark”

—

“Come on, I wanna see what he’s got.” you lean towards Maria, hanging from the pole on her front porch. “Tommy talks him up every chance he gets.”

Maria snorts, “You got that right.” She shakes her head and starts for the stairs, “Alright fine, I’ll let him know.”

“Wait, don’t tell him what it is. Just tell him to be at the stables at noon.”

Maria gives you a look and chuckles again. “Alright, fine, Miss.Mysterious. Just bring back a buck, please.”

“Psh, don’t worry about it babe,” you swing around to walk down with her, “you know me, straightest shooter on this goddamn commune, and now my partner’s a macho fucking cowboy.”

—

You’re there waiting for him, leaning against the wall dividing two stalls, legs crossed straight out and arms folded. Once Joel is in view coming down the hallway, you can’t help a grin and bite over your bottom lip. Before he can ask, you bounce off of the wall to stand and tell him, “We’re goin’ huntin’.”

—

Outside of Jackson, there’s a comfortable silence as you lead Joel towards the river. “This morning someone on patrol said they saw a buck out here.” you inform him.

“Why didn’t they shoot it?”

“They did, they just fuckin’ missed. Alright. Our best bet is out here by the water.” You adjust the thick rope slung over your shoulder. “You ever hunt deer before?”

“The fact that you have to ask that is kind of offensive.”

“Well then I think I think we have a good shot. HA. Pun.” Joel can’t help but smile, thinking of Ellie. “Well, you’ve never hunted with me, so I’m gonna introduce you to my very special method. It’s not hard, you just stand next to me, we aim together, shoot together. Double our chances, you know?” you glance back at him, “My old hunting buddy and I did it all the time and it really does help.”

“Well alright then.”

It doesn't take long for you to find a male Mule Deer drinking at the edge of the river. You put a hand up to stop Joel, walking behind you, nod your head towards it, then to your side. As you line up side by side, you whisper, barely audible, “Ready cowboy?”

Two shots ring out and then your whooping. Joel laughs; it does feel pretty damn good to know he’s the one putting food on the table tonight. “Holy shit, he’s huge!” you cry as you make your way down to it, unhooking the rope from yourself which you’ll use to drag it back to Jackson. Joel follows you down to the water, trying not to feel old as he hides a grunt getting down to sit on his haunches. You’re brushing your fingers down the deer’s fluffy white snout. As you drag them along the course of his antlers, you say quietly, “So beautiful.”

Your words spark Joel, remembering the Cordycep, and he watches you look at this dead deer the same way you did the rotting corpse of what is responsible for the end of the world. You examining death with such tenderness, he wants to understand, but he can’t. You are such a contrast. Joel bets you look pretty when you cry, hot when you’re covered in blood, and have the scream of a siren.

“I love being able to see them up close like. Wouldn't ever be able to otherwise.” you tilt your head and hum, brushing your hand down over its neck, traveling down to its side to a dark maroon hole. “One shot, almost straight to the heart.” You turn your head to Joel with a smile, “See? One shot outta two. Doubled our chances.” You’re really rocking him and he can only respond with a half hearted chuckle, his eyes glued to your lips until you turn back to the deer. “Alright. Help me hook ‘im up.”

It’s a big buck, but not so big that you’re incapable of dragging it back to Jackson, each pulling one end of the rope wrapped around its neck. You’re both huffing and puffing as you go, leaning forward into your steps, but Joel finds time between pants to ask you, “You met Ellie yet?”

“The girl? No, not yet.”

“Well, I think you’d like each other.” “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” You pant for another minute before he comes to his point, “You wanna come eat with us tonight?”

“At dinner?”

“Yeah I mean, I really think you and Ellie’d like each other,” suddenly embarrassed, “and I jus’ always see you sittin’ alone, so…”

“Yeah,” you grunt, “that’d be nice.”

“Alright then.”

—

That night, you make your way over shyly, standing with your plate in your hands, looking at Joel wordlessly until he invites you to sit. Ellie stares shamelessly. You glance up from your food, noticing it, but act unbothered. Ellie apparently approves of this reaction, then introducing herself, and starts to grill you. The stray cat method prevails.

“Why were you sitting alone before?”

“I guess people don’t like to eat with me.”

“Why not?”

“Hm, well I was kind of overprotective of my food when I first got here.”

“Yeah, you did look kinda creepy.”

“Ellie.” Joel gives her a look, eyebrows raised, and then to you, “I’m sorry, she’s—”

“Feisty.” you finish for him, smiling, and Ellie grins back, shifting to sit a little taller in her seat.

“Yeah Joel, I’m feisty.” she tells him, who shakes his head at his plate with a restrained chuckle. “So how long have you been here?”

“Couple months longer than you have.”

Ellie nods, chewing, as soon as she swallows, she asks, “How did you get here? Where’d you come from?” Joel tenses at her nosiness but your response is prompt.

“I wasn’t really trying to get here, I didn’t even know this place existed, actually.” your eyes are on the food you pick at as you speak, “Then a crew of these guys on horsebacks found me, and Maria—”

“Oh, we met those guys. They’re kinda assholes.” Joel hits Ellie’s knee with his under the table.

“Well I was unconscious so I didn’t have the pleasure, but Maria convinced them to bring me back with them. Before that though,” you pause for a small bite and keep your head down. “I was with a group for a long time. It was just me and my friend at first, that was since… yeah. A long time. Anyway, it grew, the number of people kinda ebbed and flowed, you know. There were only a few that lasted that whole time. One of them was looking for her sister so that’s what we were aiming for. We traveled a good distance together. But… it was a rough fucking winter here, and we… you know, shit happens. I was the only one that” you clear your throat and pause. “I’m the only one left. And I didn’t know what to do or where I was so I just kind of… kept walking. And then I couldn’t anymore and, yeah, passed out, they found me, Maria saved my ass, and here we are.”

The three of you eat quietly for an awkward minute before Ellie speaks. “I’m sorry, about your friends.”

“Thanks.” you shove a fork full of food into your mouth.

There are a few more minutes of awkward silence until Ellie pipes back up and then starts relentlessly jabbering into your fresh ears. Joel tries to get her to restrain herself, mind her manners, but you converse fluidly with her. The way you interact with Ellie impresses him—it’s smooth, casual, and you don’t treat her like a child, but as an equal. Ellie is practically drooling over it.

—

Many nights, Joel and Tommy will stay behind after dinner to talk and have a drink at the empty bar. Maria will take Ellie home, but tonight, Ellie literally begs you to walk home with them, and you readily comply, giving Joel a wave and a smile over your shoulder on your way out.

“Okay, Joel, you’re killin’ me here.”

Joel looks at his brother quizzically, spinning his glass of whisky on the rocks, condensation wetting the smooth, dark wood of the bar.

“You got a girlfriend and didn’t tell me?”

“She’s not my girlfriend.” Joel chuckles, not expecting the assumption.

“Is this a friends with benefits kinda thing?”

“No,” Joel laughs.

“What, she’s just your new best friend?”Joel takes a sip of his whiskey instead of answering. “Come on, you gotta give me something’. I promise I won’t say a word to Maria.”

“It’s nothin’ like that. I don’t know… but… shit, it’s somethin’, y’know?” he smiles at his brother, “I mean she’s great. She’s fuckin’ gorgeous. She’s funny, Ellie already loves her. She’s great with her, I mean, she talks to her with respect, like an equal. She’s real good with a gun,” Joel throws some whisky back, the rock of ice clinking. “n’ it’s like she sees what I don’t. She knows more than me. She doesn’t make me feel stupid, just like I’m better when she’s there.” he shakes his head, “I feel like such a fuckin’ fool sayin’ this but, it just feels right when I'm with her. It’s like she’s this piece I didn’t know I was missin’.” he takes another sip, “You know, I ignored her for two weeks.” Joel nods to himself, “Longest fuckin’ two weeks of my life, I swear.” he bursts out a chuckle. “I don’t know what it is, Tommy, it’s crazy, but I just couldn’t stay away from her, I mean I couldn’t. There’s just somethin’ ‘bout her.” he pauses, watching the last of the amber at the bottom of his glass blend around the ice. “It fuckin’ scares me. How much I need her. Shit. I just don’t wanna hurt’er.” Joel adds quietly.

“Ah, Joel…” Tommy shakes his head lightly at his last words. “Don’t do that.”

Joel looks up at him, “Do what?”

“You just got through every reason that she’s a great girl, how much you like her, and then you go and shoot yourself in the foot.”

“Whad’you mean shoot myself in the foot?”

“You get scared! Too scared!” he chuckles lightly, “Just go! Be with her!”

“But Tommy—”

“I don’t wanna hear it. Don’t let her slip through your fingers, now. Hey, Ellie’ll never forgive you for that.” Tommy means it as a joke, but it pricks Joel. “Just be fuckin’ happy. Appreciate it. Findin’ love during the apocalypse is a beautiful thing.” he smiles brightly.

“Sure, ok,” he gives him a fake glare and smirk, “it’s gettin’ late. I’m fuckin tired ‘n we’ve both got someone waitin’ up on us.”

That night, once again, Joel finds himself losing sleep over you. He chews on Tommy’s words. He hadn’t thought about it like that and he isn’t sure where you lie. You haven’t even touched, you are not his girlfriend, that doesn’t sound right even if it was like that, and you are friends, but it has to be more than that—friendship doesn’t smolder like this. While he walks around in the idea, opening different doors, one of them is to the thought of kissing you, and even though he’s alone, Joel blushes. He sits up on his bed, swears, and rubs the heels of his hands in his eyes.

“…and then you go and shoot yourself in the foot.”

Another thing Joel had never thought about. Tommy said he got scared, and he’s right, why wouldn’t he be scared? When has loving someone ever worked out? He’s not shooting himself in the foot because it isn’t about him. He should be scared for you. If no one else knows to protect you from men like him, he’ll do it himself. He groans and swears again when he feels that pull, his heart trying to tear through the line tying it to his brain. It hurts to even think about having you gone now that he knows the way it feels when you’re here. What hurts more though is the thought of you dead. Joel sighs and runs his hands through his hair, scratching at his scalp. Fuck this, I’m tired, I’ll deal with it tomorrow. He thinks, pulling his boots off and getting under the covers.

—

That next day, Joel is taking an afternoon nap, one of his absolute favorite activities, when Ellie’s feet bounding down the steps wakes him. He almost falls down the stairs, chasing after her and hollering her name, eyes still blurry with sleep. When his eyes focus, you’re at the bottom with Ellie grinning wildly next to you.

“Hi, Joel.” you wave.

“She’s gonna teach me how to ride a horse.”

“Ellie you already know how to ride a horse—”

“I know how to sit on a horse, not how to ride one.”

“I’ll have her home before dark, we’re just going to be at the stables.” You tell him, then look down at Ellie, only half seriously stern, “I thought she told you already.”

“Soorryy. Okay come on let’s go.” Ellie grabs your hand and pulls you outside.

“We’ll be safe I promise!” you call out over your shoulder before the door shuts behind you.

Joel sighs and presses the knuckle of his thumb into his forehead, “Christ.”

—

Joel waited up. Several times, he got up from the chair he waited in and grabbed his coat, but made it at most a few feet down the road before stopping himself. He needs to learn how to trust Ellie a little, let her have some freedom. He trusts you, too. It doesn’t eliminate his stress, though.

His foot taps on the floor, watching the sky fade into sunset through the front window. When he hears two steps from the front, rushes to the door, swinging it open before you and Ellie are even actually in front of it.

“Hey,” he says, breathlessly, quickly scanning Ellie to make sure she’s ok.

“Hi,” she says back, raising her eyebrows at him and smiling, “don’t tell me you’ve been sitting in a chair waiting for me all day.”

“No, I w—well I—how was it?”

“Sooooo fun!”

“She’s great at it.” Ellie beams at your side, soaking up your praise. “Alright well, goodnight then,” you start to turn but Joel interrupts you.

“Uh—you w—wanna come in? Warm up just for a second? If you want.”

“Sure.”

Ellie gives Joel a mischievous grin, raising her eyebrows up and down at him as she passes through the doorway and calls out as she bounds up the creaky stairs, “I’ll just be in my room!”

You take a few steps in and look around. “It’s really not much,” Joel says, watching you turn around to take in your surroundings. He had never tried to clean, or furnish anymore than Maria had made him, because he never considered that he’d have guests over.

A smile spreads over your face when your eyes land on the guitar leaning against a corner of the front bay window. You point and look back at him, “Who plays?”

“Uhh… I do. I’m tryna teach Ellie but I haven’t gotten her to sit down so that I can.” he chuckles sheepishly and rubs a nervous hand on the back of his neck.

“Okay you have to play me something.”

“Aaah, nnaah, I haven’t played in years, I’m outta practice. It’ll sound like shit.”

“Come one, it’s been forever since I’ve heard someone play. You gotta, Joel. Please!”

As soon as you say ‘please’ Joel goes for the guitar. “Alright, fine. I warned you, though.”

You beam, immediately going to plop on the couch facing the front windows. Joel picks up their guitar by its neck and sits in the wooden chair facing you from the other corner of the bay windows. The chair creaks under his weight and the strings softly squeak as he runs a hand up and down the neck. You move to the corner of the couch, tucking one leg underneath you and supporting the side of your head on your hand with an elbow on the arm of the couch.

He stares at the strings under his fingers while he racks his brain for a song that he even remembers how to play, trying to focus on this instead of his nerves. It takes him a long time. When he does start, his strums are graceful and his voice, gentle and low. Goosebumps prickle your skin.

I lost myself on a cool, damp night

I gave myself in that misty light

Was hypnotized by a strange delight

Under a lilac tree

The quiet vibrato he ends the first verse with dazes you.

I made wine from the lilac tree

Put my heart in its recipe

Makes me see what I want to see

And be what I want to be

He keeps his tone low, quiet and all so gentle.

When I think more than I wanna think

I do things I never should do

I drink much more that I oughta drink

Because it brings me back you

Another drawn out vibrato literally makes you dizzy and everything else falls away.

Lilac wine is sweet and heady, like my love

Lilac wine, I feel unsteady, like my love

Listen to me, I cannot see clearly

Isn't that she coming to me? Nearly here

As he’s progressed through the song, his confidence is rising; he must be lost in it. You find yourself misty eyed.

Lilac wine is sweet and heady, where's my love?

Lilac wine, I feel unsteady, where's my love?

Listen to me, why is everything so hazy?

Isn't that she, or am I just going crazy, dear?

You tighten your throat to keep tears down. You knew he’d be good—he’s too modest—but you weren’t expecting him to hit you with this.

Lilac wine, I feel unready for my love

Feel unready for my love

After his last strum, it stays silent for a few long moments. You’re still trying to reel back tears. Your heartbeat is steady but you feel it bumping out of your chest and warmth blooms from it out to your shoulders. You slip your hand from supporting your temple to your cheek, holding your fingers over your mouth as a wild grin overwhelms it.

Joel can’t take his eyes off the floor. Now that the music has fallen away, thoughts and fears buzz in his head, and all he wants is for you not to be laughing. His cheeks are red. When he finally gets himself to tentatively raise his head, he does only the least he can to see you.

Eyes glistening, you tell him softly, almost through your hand, “That was beautiful, Joel.” a wide smile plastered on your face.

Looking up farther at you, his lungs release and his head calms, making him almost sleepy in relief, and warmth spreads through his entire body. He can’t help but smile and looks back to the floor. “Thank you.”

You hum and it’s quiet for a little longer. Joel is the one to break it, standing with a restrained groan and setting the guitar back in the corner. “It’s gettin’ late, lemme walk you home.” he says without looking at you, making his way towards the door with a stiff knee.

“Oh, you don’t have to…” you want him to.

“Nah, it’s alright. Wouldn’t feel right havin’ you walk all alone in the dark. I could use some air anyway.” he says, back still to you as he slides on his coat.

The sound of packed snow under your feet is surrounded by a comfortable silence on the way to your house. It’s not a long walk in reality, but sort of is in Jackson, and by the time you’re there you can see clearly on Joel’s face how cold he is.

“Okay, your turn, come in for a sec. Just to warm up. You’re all rosy.”

“Oh I don’t wanna intrude—”

“I’m the only one that lives here and I’m inviting you in.” you smile lightly at him, opening the door. He happily follows.

“Not much more than yours,” you tell him as he does just what you did at his house. “All my stuff’s upstairs.”

“You have stuff?”

You laugh, “I mean not really, I have a few things. I just—I don’t know, I still like having things.”

Joel thinks of the photograph you’d slipped into your pocket on your first patrol together. “Can—can I see?”

You hesitate, only for a moment and only because of your own nervousness, but it kills Joel. “Yeah, sure,” you lead him upstairs. It’s weird living alone in such a big house, but there aren’t any small houses in Jackson. It can get lonely sometimes, you still aren’t used to not being in a group of friends.

Your bedroom is the first, right by the stairs, and the gold metal knob squeaks when you turn it. Walking in, Joel is confused, the room being just as barren as downstairs with only a few sad pieces of furniture. But then you click on a light, bringing his attention to his right, where your bed is as well a small, dark wood dresser, ending around chest height so that you have to bend a little to see yourself in the rectangular mirror that rests right up against the wall. Dirt and dust thinly films it and the border and corners blemished yellow with age.

“Well, this is it.” you say, taking your coat off to hang over your bedpost. Joel is immediately drawn to the dresser where you’ve artfully set up everything you own that isn’t survival gear. Having Joel there makes you suddenly remember the photograph of the woman you’d found, and you slip your hand into your coat pocket to retrieve it. You sit on the edge of your bed, next to Joel at your dresser, and slide your finger along the side of it. The border has turned yellow and the rest of the colors have faded so that it’s just that milk yellow contrasting brown-black. The woman’s light, curly, mussy hair partly obstructs her face, but she gleams a toothy smile thrown over her shoulder. Her back to the back camera, it looks candid. On the upper edge of the thick bottom border, characteristic of a polaroid, scratches, only barely still marked by pen, of very small, close together letters say ‘i love you’ with a tiny heart next to them. You rub your thumb over it to feel the grooves. After flipping it back to front a couple times, studying the details, you take it to the dresser to slip into a vignetted corner of the mirror.

Soft yellow light sheds over the few other miscellaneous items you’d acquired along your journey, one of which is a sizable pearl necklace. It spills out of the fittingly shell shaped, old and worn silver ashtray which you never properly cleaned.

“What’s all this for?”

“I just like collecting stuff.” You answer as he ghosts a line over the surfaces of the objects on the dresser, “All sorts of treasures out there. I pick things up, keep them with me until I run out of room, and then I just leave them behind somewhere. It’s like there’s a trail behind me made of other people’s lives.” coming up next to Joel, you continue, “We made a game out of it, so when I found something we’d all make up stories about who left it behind.” you watch his face as he examines the pearls and bite your lip. The light shows off the rich brown of his eyes and there's a hint of a smile at the edges of his lips. “This is my favorite.” you use both hands to pick up the heavy pearls, holding them up for Joel to see, “They’re real. Look. See how they’re not really white?” you take a pearl to twirl between your fingers, showing off its silvery pink and blue with the white, watching Joel’s focused eyes.

“Never seen a real one.”

“Here.” you stand behind him, turning him to face the mirror, and slip the necklace around his neck.

“What’re you—” he chuckles.

You hum, “Look at you.” you look at him smiling in the mirror. “So fancy.” laughing, you come around from behind him and he turns to face you. You pick the pearls up to hold just off of his chest so you can twirl one and watch it in the light. “This is one of the first things I ever picked up, and the only one I’ve kept all this time.” the pearl glints, “I got it from a rich person’s house and the whole room was full of stuff like this, diamonds, jewels… I always like to imagine the woman who lived there wearing them all at once and standing out in the sun.”

You and Joel are in a bubble. Watching these pearls in the light never gets old, and Joel warms you without you even touching. You can hear his breaths and smell his natural scent. He looks even more fucking solid this close up. Joel is the epitome of safe.

He watches your eyes focus on your heavy pearls around his neck, your face tranquil, and you subliminally relax him. It takes everything in him to not press every part of his body against you, wrap you up tight and keep you there, safe in his arms.

Scared, Joel breaks the silence, almost at a whisper, “I should be gettin’ back. It’s late, Ellie’s probably waitin’ up.”

Popped, you nod, taking your hands off the pearls, stepping back and clasping them behind your back, pursing your lips. Joel stays frozen, looking at you. “Here, I’ll get those off for you.”

“Oh, yeah.” he turns around for you to unhook the necklace and it clatters melodically as you lower it back into its shell.

“Let me lead you out.” Neither of you look at each other until he’s on your front porch steps. Then, he turns to you, says goodnight, and is on his way home.

You watch him walk off from the doorway until a cold breeze brings you back in. Inside, you close the door and press your back against it, close your eyes, curse, and bump the back of your head on it. You weren’t trying to do anything, but anxiety suddenly falls like acid rain over you that he might think that you were by inviting him in. The whole time, you were barely thinking, you were just… there with him. You blame unlearned social skills and bump your head against the door again. Fuck, you might have just scared him away. Sighing deeply, you open your eyes and head back upstairs.

In your room, you stop at the dresser, running a finger along the bumps of the necklace. Leaning in a little, you look at yourself in the mirror. Then you make a face to yourself, click the light off, and jump into bed. Joel’s quiet vibratos crawl in to lull you to sleep.

—

Joel almost walks past his own house, head swimming. Once he’s back inside, Ellie calls from her room, “Joel?”

“Yeah, it’s me.”

“Where’d you go? Are you ok?”

“I’m fine, I was just walkin’ her home.”

“Oh, okay.”

As he climbs the stairs, Joel tells Ellie’s closed door, “It’s late, you should be asleep.”

“Okay.” she replies. Light still emanates from the bottom crack of the door but Joel reminds himself that Ellie prefers to keep the light on while she sleeps.

In his room, Joel blows a deep breath out as he slips off his coat and boots. All he seems to do in his bed is sleep and think about you. Added to his collection is the image of your soft eyes focused on shiny pearls you hold from his chest, and your face, poking out from the side of him, smiling at him in a mirror.

Gentle, gentle, gentle, full of grace and love, and good with a gun. He feels blessed and cursed to have you, because you are you, but, he is him. Tonight only brought you closer and he wants only more, but the softness he witnessed made him want to run, because if you come any closer you’ll be walking into the sharp stake protruding from his heart.

Joel wants to cry as he comes to a decision.

—

You’re patrolling together the next day and Joel decides to take you back to the house you found on your first patrol.

“C’mon.” His voice is gentle, nodding his head back towards the hill and already pulling his horse back. Despite his tone, the air around you is immediately dark and heavy. Joel looks completely calm. Your rapid heartbeat thrums in your ears.

In the house, he steps into the living room on your right. The dark red carpet is filthy, the walls are thick wood panels, DIY 70’s style. The room is lit by clouded sunlight from three dirty front windows. A dirty old newspaper crinkles under your foot and Joel lightly kicks a pastel pink shard from the broken lamp. In front of him is a dark brown brick fireplace, sooty black logs spilling out over the ledge and onto the carpet. Joel’s hands are on his hips and his head is bowed as he leads you in. You breathe to calm your heart as you follow him in.

He takes a deep breath, facing the fireplace, and then turns to you. It takes him a moment to flick his eyes up to you, and when he does, he’s glaring. Your heart sinks and fear falls from a bucket over your head, running thick down your entire body. You’re not scared of him, but of whatever he’s about to say. You have no clue what to expect.

He bites his lower lip, looking at you for a long moment before he speaks. “We can’t—we can’t do this.”

“…What?”

He breathes deeply out of his nose. “You shouldn’t be anywhere near me.”

You are physically taken aback, “Are you serious?”

“Do I look serious?” he replies, voice grim, fiercely glaring.

You almost roll your eyes. “Okay, I know what this is.” You snap, “You know, you can be so self centered.”

“The fuck I am—I’m doin’ this for you,” his shout bites, “to protect you.”

“Joel I am not going to play this fucking game with you.”

“What fuckin’ game?”

You raise your tone to match his, “This game where you come and you’re with me, you tell me you want me here, and then you decide you’re bad for me, whatever the fuck that means, and then you leave and I don’t know if you’re gonna come back, and then you do and then you’ll leave again and then come back and you can’t keep doing that because then I can’t fucking trust you and that WILL. Ruin. Everything. I’m not fucking doing that.”

“I’m not comin’ back,” he yells, his face severe, “that’s the damn point. An’ it’s for your own good. The world that I live in ain’t no life for you.”

You scoff, “Where the fuck do you think I’ve been living?” You march right into his face, almost nose to nose, glaring straight back into him, “I’ve been through hell, Joel. You have no fucking clue. I am not fucking weak, Joel. Fuck you. Fuck you for that.”

Joel barely lets himself blink, challenged by your gaze, “You’re right, you’re not weak. Fragile is what you are.” he brings a hand up, palm out, and points at it, without breaking, “You see this? You see these hands? I’ve beaten people to death. I’m dangerous.” he hisses, “You should be afraid of me. You’d be stupid not to be. I could kill you.”

You take his hand and wrap it around your throat. “Do it then.” your eyes stay locked, your breathing even. “Kill me. I know you can. It’d be so easy, Joel.” you whisper, angling your mouth to bare your teeth at him. Joel's breaths are heavy and his eyes widen, brow still hanging dourly. He rips himself away from you and takes a few steps back. “‘Dangerous’.” you continue, “Like that’s special. Here, let me show you something.” you stride back up to him and raise a hand to point at your other, shoving it in his face, “See that knuckle? How it’s curved and flat? That’s called a boxer’s fracture. Someone killed my friend so I beat him to death and it broke my fucking knuckle.” Then you press your thumb into the center of his collarbone, just enough for him to feel his airway constrict until he swats your hand away. “You ever learn that trick? Makes choking someone to death go a lot faster. I know my fucking way around this shit. Scared of you,” you scoff, “Who can’t kill me? You’re not special.”

Joel lets a solid five silent, tense seconds pass and then he grabs for his gun, making your heart flutter, but then it hits the floor, followed by the thump of his knife. He reaches for your gun and yanks it out of its holster to drop, then around you, without breaking eye contact, to remove both the gun and knife stuffed between your back and belt, hitting the carpet with thuds.

Suddenly, the idea of you that he had created—someone innocent, clean, pure, someone unlike him, opposite, a good for his bad, yin for his yang—falls away.

“Hit me.” Joel tells you stonily.

You smack him and his head jerks with it.

After that, he kisses you hard, crashing your mouths together so it almost hurts. You reciprocate instantaneously. His hands inch up the sides of your neck, thumbs almost meeting together as they slide up your throat—showing that if he squeezed, just a little, his hands could completely enclose your neck—but he only brings them up to hold your jaw to kiss you. When he pulls away, you’re both breathless.

Interrupting your fervent eye gaze is a bang at the glass window, which reminds you that all of your weapons are on the floor, but seeing the wing defining the mark on the dirty window, you both let out a breath of relief. You collect yourselves and follow it outside. Stepping over the weedy, dead flower beds, you find a still crow, blood seeping to puddle around it.

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justalilmc · 2 years

Note

hiii!!

can i have a marauders, mcu and got ship, please?!

so i’m a 23 year old straight female, i’m 5’2 with wavy brown hair and brown eyes.

i’m honest, sarcastic, competitive, stubborn, a perfectionist, a procrastinator and an intp.

laughing is my defense mechanism, and uh i’m your classic gifted burnout kid.

i love watching movies and tv shows and listening to songs that make me cry. i live in an imaginary world in my mind most of the time. i love understanding how things work, i used to teach archery to kids, i studied scenic design at university and enjoy painting.

oh and i’m a slytherin and my patronus is a fox.

thank you and have a great day!! ✨

Hey, sorry I took so long to respond. I’ve been super busy with work stuff, but here they are! Hope you enjoy :)

1.) Harry Potter

I ship you with Sirius Black!

- I love me some Sirius x Slytherin

- I’m seeing an enemies to lovers situation here

- Probably starts of with a bit of a rivalry

- You’re both pretty talented and smart, but lack a bit in the drive department, so once you see the other coming after you’re status as top of the class it gives that motivation to be better than the other

- Def a lot of teasing and possibly some pranking

- You’re probably buddies with Regulus and he is all for messing with his brother

- The more Sirius gets to know you, he’ll discover just how alike the two of you really are

- Remus is gonna be the one to tell Sirius that he likes you, cause let’s be honest he isn’t gonna figure that out himself

- Don’t think you’re off the hook once you start dating tho

- He’s the type to make you chose between gender equality and chivalry, you can’t have both

- He’ll tease you until the day you die, but now he’ll start making sure he’s not taking it too far

- Literally everything will be a competition, everything *wink wink*

- power couple tbh

2.) MCU

I ship you with Tony Stark!

- this mans needs someone like you fr

- Obviously his ego is the phattest you’ll ever see, so he needs someone honest like you to keep him humble

- Y’all would be such an intellectual match, you would be able to follow him on his crazy trains of thought and he would literally be unable to insult u like he does everyone else

- Plus he’s very stubborn in an argument, but so it seems are you, so get ready for some pouty Tony

- Once he’s done pouting tho he’ll know you’re right, he needs someone to remind him of the emotional side of things

- He believes his feelings make him weak, but you are able to show him that they make him stronger

- Y’all are rarely ever serious when you talk to each other, joking 24/7, but when you need to get real, you can get real

- I feel like he’d probably make you a suit if you asked

- He’d def be very protective of you tho, so don’t expect him to let you off easy

- The rest of the avengers would love you because you’re the only one that can get Tony to admit he’s wrong about smth, very rare, but you can do it

- Y’all would be like the cool aunt and uncle of the avengers family

3.) Game of Thrones

I ship you with Tyrion Lannister!

- okay hear me out

- If Tyrion doesn’t also scream burnt out gifted kid idk who does

- This would simply be the most iconic duo

- Y’all would literally have so much fun messing with each other and cracking jokes because I feel like you’re both very witty

- While you would be able to match each other intellectually, you would also be able to balance each other out in the way that you are still very in touch with your emotions while Tyrion has been burned so many times he’s gone a bit cold

- If Tyrion had a Hogwarts house he would most definitely also be a Slytherin

- You would make a very cunning and twistedly charming team

- Plus, you’re not too tall, so you wouldn’t tower over him too much lol

#harry potter #harry potter ships #marvel #marvel ships #game of thrones #game of thrones ship

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watchyourbluesturngolden · 3 years

Text

cravings

weird pregnancy cravings with harry :)

i tried pickles and peanut butter after writing this and it’s actually super good, I def recommend trying it

warnings: pregnancy

word count: 1.4k

“Harry," you whispered, nudging your arm against his sleeping form. He didn't respond. You huffed, nudging him harder as you raised your voice slightly. "Harry." He grunted in his sleep, shifting and adjusting his arm to pull you closer. Usually you would appreciate the sweet gesture, but right now it just made you roll your eyes.

"Harry, wake up," you spoke louder still, not even trying to wake him gently. You didn't care how you did it, you just needed him up right now. With one final nudge to his ribs, he woke up with a sharp gasp. He focused his bleary eyes on you. "Why are you hitting me?" He grumped, dropping his head to rest against your shoulder. "I need some pickles." "What?" "Pickles. Right now." "Are you serious?" "Yes, I'm serious. I can't sleep and I'm really hungry and I just need pickles." "Love," he sighed, lifting his head to look at the alarm clock. "It's 3 in the morning." "I know." "Ok," He groaned, sitting up slightly. "I'll get them. Where are they?" You bit your lip. "We don't have any. I was hoping you could go get some from the store?" He sighed again. "Do you really need me to go to the store at three in the morning?" You were already on the verge of tears. This pregnancy had not been easy for you, not in the slightest. You had worse morning sickness than any of your friends ever had. You had killer back pain. You felt awful about your appearance, no matter how many times Harry assured you that you were beautiful. On top of all this, you were more emotional than you had ever been in your life. Every little thing could set you off, even things than normally made you happy. Just yesterday, you had been reduced to a puddle of tears because Harry brought you a bouquet of flowers. He had panicked at first, thinking you hated them, but you told him through your tears that you were only crying because you were so happy. He didn't understand, but he tried to be supportive. "I'm sorry," you said, a tear slipping down your face. "I don't mean to be annoying or anything I just have these cravings and I can't sleep and I don't-" "Oh, baby, it's ok," he soothed you, all traces of irritation gone from his voice. He knew how hard the last six months had been for you. He figured the least he could do was get up in the night for a quick grocery store run. "Don't cry, lovie, of course I'll go to the store." "You will?" you asked through your sniffles. "Yes, I will. Do you need anything else?" He pulled himself away from you, grabbing the first hoodie he could find and pulling it over his head. You thought for a minute. "I need... chocolate pudding." He nodded, careful not to say anything. He knew you felt a little embarrassed for all the weird cravings you were having, and he didn't want to upset you any further. "Ok. Pickles and chocolate pudding." "And... maybe some strawberry jelly. Ooh, and pomegranates, if they have them? And peanut butter, for the pickles." At this, Harry couldn't help but make a face. "Peanut butter for the pickles?" You nodded. "Ok," he agreed, still shaking his head. "Why don't you text me all that so I don't forget anything?" You picked up your phone, starting a list. He grabbed his wallet from the side table, heading towards the door. "Wait," you said, looking up from your phone. He turned around, looking at you with a questioning look. "Come here," you motioned to him. He smiled, coming back to the bed. You grabbed his shirt, pulling him down for a kiss. "Thank you," you said softly when you pulled away. "Of course, lovie," he smiled. "I'll be back soon, okay?" You nodded, looking back to your list. "Oh! I almost forgot the shrimp cocktail sauce." "Baby, you're allergic to shrimp." "I know, but I can eat the sauce on crackers." "Alright, whatever you say," he shook his head again, still smiling.

-----

Less than an hour later, he was back. "Alright," he walked into the room, holding several shopping bags. "I have lots of things for you." "Thank you," you said again, pulling items out of the bags. "I don't know what I would do without you." "You would have to find a substitute for pickles and peanut butter," he grinned. "It would be a tragedy." "It would," you nodded. "Do you want me to go in the kitchen so you can go back to sleep?" "No, it's fine," he shook his head. "I'd rather stay up with you." "Really?" you asked, already feeling tears spring to your eyes. "That's so nice of you." "No, don't cry!" he rushed out, moving closer to wipe your face. "It's happy tears," you reminded him, but still allowed him to wipe the water away. "Right, happy tears," He smiled, shifting to sit next to you. You nodded, picking up the jar of pickles. You tried to open it for a few seconds, almost starting to cry again when you realized how tightly it was sealed. "It's ok, it's ok," Harry quickly said, taking it out of your hands. He opened it effortlessly, grabbing a pickle before he handed the jar back to you. "These with peanut butter? Are you sure?" "Yes, it sounds disgusting but I think it's probably really good." "Probably?" He looked between you and the pickles skeptically. "Well, I've never actually had it, but the baby is telling me she wants it." "Oh, is she?" He laughed, placing one of his hands over your belly. "Hello in there," he said, leaning forward. "I'm going to try this, but if it's disgusting, I blame you." "Yes, I'm sure she'll feel terrible," you rolled your eyes playfully, opening the jar of peanut butter. "Do I just... go for it?" He seemed very unsure now that you were ready to try the combination. "That's what I'm doing. Just... like, dip it in." "This is the weirdest thing I've ever done," he laughed. "Good thing you love me, then," You grinned. "Ok, here we go." He copied your movements, dipping the pickle into the jar of peanut butter. He closed his eyes, taking a bite of the strange mixture. Once he had swallowed it, he looked at you in surprise. "You know what, baby cravings for the win. That's really good." You laughed. "I know! Good job in there, little bean," you smiled down at your belly. "You have excellent taste." You ate a few more pickles, laughing with Harry as you told him all the songs that had made your baby kick particularly hard in the recent days. You both enjoyed playing music for her; Harry especially. He loved showing her his favorite songs; he said it was to make sure she had good taste later in life. "Well, is a kick good or bad? Did she love Crazy Train or did she hate it?" "I'm not sure," you admitted. "I'm just gonna assume it means she loved it." "I think so," he nodded with a smile. "Who could hate Crazy Train?" "Not our baby, she has excellent taste," you reminded him. "Oh right, of course. She's just like us, so she's gonna be amazing in every way." "Exactly," you grinned. "I hope she has your dimples." "I hope she looks just like you," he smiled fondly. "And I definitely hope she gets your smarts." "Ok, but she has to get your musical talent. And again, your dimples." "Deal," he smiled. "Good thing we have this all worked out." "Yeah, for sure," you smiled back, but it turned into a yawn. "I think the pickles finally tired me out." "I'll go put this away," he said, beginning to gather up the assorted food all over the bed. "Thank you, Harry," you smiled, helping him put everything back in the bags. "Of course, lovie. In the morning we can go through the rest of this, see what other weird things the baby wants." "Sounds good," you smiled, settling back into the covers. "Love you." "Love you too," he made his way out of the room, blowing you a quick kiss before he went.

#harry styles #harry styles x reader #harry styles x you #dad!harry #harry fanfiction #harry styles x you fanfiction #harry styles x reader fanfiction #harry styles x y/n #harry styles/you #harry styles/reader fanfiction #harry styles/reader #harry styles/you fanfiction #one direction #one direction fanfiction #stevie #stevie fics

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kirishimas-manly-eyeliner · 3 years

Text

original ask from nonnie: Hi! Can I request fluffy headcannons for Denki and Kirishima where the reader is a night owl or get very hyper at night?!?

-> find part one here <- this prompt is so cute and i had to do a pt 2 😌

headcanons for bakugo and midoriya for: a hyper night owl! [pt 2]

Katsuki Bakugo

this man sleeps at 8:32 pm what do you expect

bakugo is usually pretty big on getting his sleep, but if he knows that you’re hyper and your sleep schedule is effed up,,,

...it’s effed up.

Bakugo probably first tries to hide the fact that he cares and hands you some warm water, “just go to sleep. it’s not even that hard.”

but you’re just being this adorable little puppy, bounching up and down and you’re just like, “i’m sorry, who’s she? who is sleep?”

bakugo first shakes his head and decides to try to sleep on his own, but he keeps hearing you bounce, and that lingering feeling in his head to go talk to you and drag you into bed makes him get up

(healsolowkeyjustwantscuddlesfromyoubecausehehadabadday😭😭)

“Uh, Bakugo? didn’t you say you wanted to go to bed earlier? you have a bunch to do tomorrow, i’ll be okay!”

“you’re going to get sick and it’ll be annoying to take care of you if you don’t sleep. come on, extra.”

i saw this on another blog but he def calls you “my extra” and that makes me so SOFT EEEEEEEEEE

bakugo LOVES cuddles, especially since he wasn’t that big on hugs or touches as a kid

he loves cuddles from you especially, and will literally hold onto you for as long as he possibly can

will he ever admit it out loud? no

BUT will this adorable pomeranian hold is arms out like a lil’ baby since he’s exhausted, and open his arms out like an angry embarrassed pomeranian with arms open for hugs?

yes omg 😭❤️

if you say no, will he start crying internally and/or burn the entire house down?

of course

man’s so touch-starved, he will literally do anything for your cuddles

he literally does not want to admit that he doesn’t feel comfortable sleeping without you by his side 🥺🥺

bakugo leads you into bed and turns off the lights, and can i just say, he’s such a softie when he’s sleepy

he was already tired when he went to go pick you up, so at this point, almost the moment his head hits the pillow, he falls asleep

*puts on sunglasses* BUT NOT FOR US NIGHT OWLS

WE HOOT INTO THE NIGHT AND SCREAM “CAW CAW BTCHES”

his hand will be delicately caressing your cheek, and he’ll be saying absolute nonsense since he’s so tired, “you smell... like flowers. nice flowers.”

you laugh, “is that so?”

“yeah,” and he snuggles in closer.

OR OR OR

if you two both surprisingly can’t sleep, expect you lying down on his chest and bakugo stroking your hair, while you two just go on your phones

and every so often, bakugo will laugh and say, “look at this idiot” and show you an iconic tiktok

other times,

Bakugo’s head is layed on your chest, and he’s just sleeping so peacefully

his breath is syncing with yours as you pull him in closer.

dang, he’s actually kinda angelic when he sleeps

you obviously still can’t sleep, but watching bakugo this vulnerable is something that you’ll cherish forever

you plant a kiss on his forehead as you turn off the bedside lamp, at least trying to get 2 hours of sleep, which was better than nothing

but bakugo feels you moving, and thinks you’re gonna leave

so this precious boom boy just says, half-asleep, “don’t go, y/n..”

🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

he’s the most vulnerable when he’s sleepy, so in a low voice, he’ll say, “i love you,” before falling back to sleep again

please cuddle and take care of this man, he loves you more than you may think

Izuku Midoriya

I think Izuku probably sleeps at around 11 every night, sometimes midnight on average??

this bby cares about you so very much, please remind him how much you love him 🥺

he’s not too much to usher to you sleep right away, but he does want you to get plenty of rest

expect an inspirational speech about getting sleep

“it’s important to get lots of sleep, y/n! getting sleep means that you’ll be strong enough to face tomorrow, and you can have more energy for the next day. that’s important! but...we must sleep for the right reasons. yes, that’s important. sleep isn’t just about getting attention or becoming famous, it’s about getting energy! you-”

the poor boy is sleep-deprived please give him a break

he also likes making you tea!! he will literally do anything to make your life easier

“i know you’ve been having a lot of trouble with taking care of yourself because of school... so i at least hope this can help a little!”

thIS PRECIOUS BOY WILL SHOWER YOU WITH KISSES

I HAVE SO MUCH LOVE FOR HIM IT’S NOT EVEN FUNNY

he’ll literally give you kisses everywhere, and smooth out your hair and play with it

he’ll sometimes spray lavender that his mom gave him to help you sleep better

expect having a playlist of late-night songs

even though he does sleep kinda early, there are days when he just cannot sleep because the poor boy has one thing in common with all of gen-z, anxiety btch

he sometimes ends up venting, but hear me out, it’s the extreme type

he’ll literally say, “i’m so tired... you know? i’m tired of always waking up everyday to the same thing, i’m tired of forcing myself to eat, i’m tired of always having to do things i don’t wanna do and-

“sorry about that! i didn’t mean to change the mood so quickly!”

but nonetheless you give this boy the cuddles he deserves because HE’S SO PRECIOUS

he’s also an extremely good listener, you could literally talk about anything and he’ll acknowledge it right away

you’d probably sigh and say, “i don’t hate her, of course not! but it’s just-- her vibes, you know? her vibes aren’t right. she hasn’t done anything to hurt me, but still! i’m getting really bad vibes from her, so maybe we should stay away? no wait that justs sounds so mean, sorry! but what if she actually-”

you stare at him, “i’m sorry, was i blabbering too much?”

he’s half-asleep and-

he can and will shoot random nonsense and start blabbering

but sometimes it’ll be insanely cute and he’ll be so smooth

“no, keep talking,” he whispers. he will literally pull you into the softest hug and say, “your voice is...” he yawns. “your voice is really pretty, y/n.”

😭😭❤️

i had a really awesome time writing this ahh! this was honestly so cute, and if you’d like me to do any other characters, lmk bb! i also love making friends so please interact with me if you’d like me to love you aggressively becAUSE I WILL-

REQUEST HERE

tag list!: @cathwritestragediesnotsins, @mari-bug, @missmorosis, @maddiemadill, and if you’d like to be added lmk!

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actuallysaiyan · 3 years

Text

My Personal Love Story: Kiba Inuzuka

The Request: "First off, Congratulations on 1k!! I wish I was blessed with the ability to write well like you lol. Sooo, my name’s Lauren (she/her/hers) I’m African American. My love languages are quality time and words of affirmation, I’m a Scorpio queen, Im a protagonist personality type (ENFJ-A) my ideal date would be anywhere I’m not sitting the whole time, but if I had to choose a place where I would be sitting it would def be the movie theater(I’m the type of person to talk and laugh really loud during movies💀) my favorite genre of music is Afro beats, but if you’re not very familiar with it just go with pop lol(Doja cat is my favorite pop artist rn!) I’d like a love story w/ my bb kiba! And I’d like a smutty scenario plz, I’m very curvy and on the thicker side if you want to add anything like that to it, and I also get a little shy during sexy times lol. THANK YOU and congrats again!"

Your Song: Only You(And You Alone)- The Platters

Headcanons:

You and Kiba grew up together, learning how to fight together. You weren’t in his ninja team, but you were the same age as him and you became rivals. It was always playful and just to hone your skills, but as time went on, Kiba was falling in love with you. He couldn’t hide his feelings anymore.

You both were a little shy about your feelings. Most of the time, Kiba would be so timid when his feelings finally bubbled up inside of him. You weren’t kids anymore. You were adults and he was falling for you so hard. He didn’t know what to say.

So, it was actually Hinata and Shino who set you both up. They knew for so long that you and Kiba were crushing on one another, but that you were both now too timid to take it any further. Hinata made Kiba get you a gift and to ask you out, and Shino planned the whole date.

And the two of you had such a good time. It was like being a kid again, except you were falling in love with one another. It made you realize how much Kiba meant to you and how you had always been there for one another. Everything you did together made you realize that Kiba was the one for you.

Ever since that date, you’ve been inseparable. You and Kiba do everything together, and of course you were always a trio with Akamaru. Nobody could break a bond this strong. Kiba treats you so well, and Akamaru is very protective of you. You couldn’t ask for a better duo to love you.

Kiba is huge on just running around with you, training and taking long walks in the woods. He has a lot of energy and just wants to be able to spend time with you. He loves it if you want to take a walk in nature and have a picnic. Especially if you make his favorite foods.

Speaking of favorite foods, you and Kiba like to make treats in the kitchen. It’s always so much fun for the two of you to try a new recipe. And of course, you share with Akamaru when he’s allowed to have some as well. It’s a Sunday afternoon tradition for all three of you, just spending it in the kitchen and trying to cook some meals together.

Lots of naps together after running around in the woods. Kiba is the best nap buddy you will ever have. He’s warm, and he holds you in the best way possible. Akamaru acts as a huge pillow for the two of you, making nap time so special.

Kiba loves taking you out on dates. He loves to treat you like a princess. He wants you to feel like you are the only girl in the world. He spends lots of time with you and he will always compliment you on your outfits and your hair and makeup and he just absolutely loves to spoil you. He buys you the fanciest and prettiest things.

If either of you have to be away from one another because of missions, you keep in touch by sending each other letters. It makes you both feel a little more relieved and comforted. Kiba will always worry about you whenever you’re sent on a mission away from the village, but he always believes in you. He is your biggest supporter, no matter what.

Rough quickie while on a mission:

Kiba slams you against the tree, making you moan softly. He slaps a hand on your face, shushing you and making you so wet. You can see the fire in his eyes, and you know you’re going to have to be quiet. Kiba pulls your vest off and shoves your shirt up, placing it in your mouth. You become submissive as he pulls your pants off your ass.

“Good girl,” Kiba whispers in your ear as you can feel his fingers prod at your wet entrance. You want to whine and whimper, but you know you need to keep quiet.

Two of his fingers pump into you, making you squeak slightly. Kiba’s cock is aching as he feels how wet you are. You’re basically fucking yourself against his hand, begging for more. You need this release more than you realize.

“Just a little bitch in heat,” Kiba’s voice is dark and gruff, but you know he wants to please you more than anything. “How about you turn around and keep quiet while I fuck that tight little pussy of yours?” You nod enthusiastically, and Kiba just chuckles.

It takes him seconds to free his hard cock from the tight confines of his pants. He teases your pussy, dragging his cockhead between your silky folds. Every time it rubs against your clit, you whine. Kiba has removed your shirt from your mouth at this point, taking your leg and wrapping it around his waist so he can fuck you against the tree.

“Are you ready for me?” He asks, and you beg him to fuck you.

He thrusts up into you, making you cry out weakly. Kiba wastes no time by starting at a quick pace, knocking the air from you. You want to moan and tell him how good it feels, but you’re still on a mission. You need to keep quiet now. But his cock keeps brushing up against your g spot, bringing you so close to your climax.

“You feel so good,” Kiba pants as he nips at your neck. “Can’t wait to fill you up.” Those words send shivers up your spine.

He can feel how close you are, so he begins rubbing your clit. You can feel your thighs tense as he slams himself into you. A few more rough thrusts, and you are sent over the edge. You can feel yourself gush all over him as he struggles to keep quiet.

“Gonna fucking cum, baby!” Kiba grunts, biting his lip to suppress his moans. His cock throbs as it paints your insides white, making your orgasm that much more intense. Your eyes roll back into your head as your mouth hangs open slightly, drooling.

“Such a good girl to take my cock like that,”

#actuallysaiyan's 1k followers event #bacon's 1k followers event #1k followers event #kiba inuzuka #kiba inuzuka x you #kiba inuzuka x reader #kiba inuzuka x y/n #naruto #naruto shippuden #kiba inuzuka smut

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eitelle · 3 years

Note

if youre still looking for requests you could do a movie night with kenma thing 😩

HI I LOVE UOU SM OK OK OKD DHHDHFFHDH I JUST SCREECHEDKDRHHEHFHFBDJFHDDJ PLS HELOSVEHDGFJDHDEHDH GODHEVEGDHDHD YES 🛐🛐🛐

UHM OK ANYWAYS PAIRING: kenma kozume x gn!reader

warnings: none but there r slight major possibly incorrect spoilwers for ready player 1?

a/n: this has been rotting in my drafts for MONTHS. im literally so sorry ok anyways here we go:

ok so first of all hes picking the movie. i dont make the rules

hes very “im good w anything idk what i wanna watch” n then u say like jurassic park or sum shit and hes like “no.” LIKE BOY WDYM NO.

anyways he ends up choosing ready player one 😐🧍🏻‍♀️

im- ok get it mr. cliche 😍‼️

hes the type of person who cannot get comfortable no matter what so hes just struggling to find a good position for mf half of the movie istg

so bravo bravo he finally finds a good one then this bitch has the AUDACITY to sit up get food n then he struggles again.

at this point u just ignore him (i feel bad for him i feel the pain tbh)

he also has like just the two of us the song playing in the background just bc hes very like always needing a lot of everything tbh

so yall r watching that and one might think he is very stoic doesnt like movies n shit but theres two ways this can go:

hes either sleeping or hes hyperactively paying attention

for this movie in particular he becomes overly attached n when the like house complex comes crashing down n im p sure there is like a scene where shes getting tortured? idk i havent watched the movie in forever

ok anyways he literally gasps, kinda jumps, n he cries a lot.

hes a v pretty crier tho 😖🥰

he kinda just has like tears streaming down his face n then like his head is in ur lap and ur stroking his hair and its honestly rly funny 😭😭

n then theres the scene where its the meetup face reveal irl and oh boy does kenma cry at that (you do too tbh)

ok so after that hes prob either heartbroken or out cold. if hes out cold, baby im sorry but ur not going anywhere

when he sleeps he doesnt wake up until its like 3 pm istg-

ugh but he also loves building shit

like constructing chairs n desks n he just lowk loves engineering its just not a big thing more like a side hobby bc he doesnt have the energy for doing that shit all the time

omg dad!kenma 😖🥺 elle stfu he cant be the father of ur children, HES NOT REAL. actually idc

anyways

so naturally for a movie night hes gonna go all out

im talking projector, pillow fort, blanket fort, fairy lights, maybe even a galaxy projector idk

he def built a whole ass fort for yall BUT thats why movie nights r so rare

so that night he stays awake duh but now its ur turn to choose

n so being the icon u are, u choose a barbie movie 😎💪

n hes like “again???” but he knows its ur turn so hes like “k fine ig.”

so u guys choose the mermaid one like the lost princess of a mermaid kingdom, that one

do yall know what im talking ab? idk google it ig but like where was ur childhood smh

ok anyways back to the topic at hand

kenma has watched all the barbie movies. its canon, furudate told me himself

he went up to me one day knocked on my garage n went “hey elle i heard u love kenma kozume, well im hear to tell u that hes watched all the barbie movies” n then he disappeared <33

ok but fr thats just a hc of mine anyways so yall be watchibg it

and hes obvi very sucked in

and then theres like the betrayal scene

n he gasps so loud his popcorn w extra butter n light seasalt n extra cheese w a side of HI-C fruit punch almost spills

that order is also canon.

and ur like “kenma baby r u ok?” while laughing ur ass off lowk

n hes like “yeah yeah im fine stfu now pls”

like just bc u said pls doesnt make it better but i see u, choosing barbie over us 🤨🙄 can relate tho

finally the movie ended n now yall both feel very empty. so what do yall do? by this point its like 4 in the morning

so the only logical answer is to play otome games, episode, animal jam, n the winx fairy rp game thing

^^^ thats what yall look like btw

SHDGDJDHD YEAH

n thats it i hope u enjoyed n im so sorry for how late i am BYEE

haikyuu general taglist: @babyshoyo (sorry it was like 2 am when i posted this i forgot 😭😭)

#haikyuu!!#haikyu oneshots #haikyu x reader #haikyu fanfiction #haikyu headcanons #kenmasimpnation #kenma hcs #kenma fanfic #kenma x reader #kenma fluff #kenma headcanons #kenma kozume #kozuelle #kozume kenma #haikyuu kenma #eitelle writes

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shhh-no-ones-home · 3 years

Text

to love and leave behind steve rogers x reader x bucky barnes

+++++++++

this is Steve x reader x Bucky following the events of endgame

prompt: She has a strong fondness for Bucky but she knew that was never gonna happen. So she agreed to go out with Steve when he asked. they had been dating for a while and then the snap happened. five years come and go and she knows its Steve's turn to find happiness. and who knows, maybe she and Bucky can too.

Also from a thought that captain America is pro-choice so themes of that and mentions of abortion and pregnancy

Song: miss you in a heartbeat by def Leppard

tag list: @cynic-spirit +++++++++

I stood next to Steve by one of the vans as Bruce set up the new time machine. It had taken a short bit to get everything in order again but Scott pitched in so that helped a lot. Now it was just the five of us; Bucky, Sam, Bruce, Steve, and me. And we were all anxiously waiting the outcome of today's events. To fix what was broke and to put back the stones. And as exciting as that was I still felt a heaviness on my heart about the conversation that had to happen. It was almost time. The other guys were standing around waiting for him.

"Hey Steve, I have to tell you something. Before you go."

I said softly, barely audible as I slumped my way out of the driver seat. He looked confused, brows drawn.

"Go?"

He asked and I sent him a look before rubbing my hand down my arm.

"I don't want it to change your mind though."

I managed, trying to avoid his gaze but desperately wanting to remember him like this.

"Okay?"

I took a deep breath, staring over his concern stricken face.

"I was doing my physical the other morning, right? and, uh... I'm pregnant."

His smile grew so wide as he stepped to me, hands at my elbows.

"What?! That's great!"

He was so enthusiastic. But I shook my head.

"I wanted you to know before I made my decision, but, I don't know if I can do this."

His face fell slowly.

"What do you mean?"

He knew exactly what I meant.

"I can't take care of a baby. Especially not without help."

He paused as realization struck him. He knew that I knew what was happening today.

"Plus i know it would tear you up inside. With you leaving and all."

He opened his mouth twice before speaking.

"Y/n i-"

"It's okay Steve. I'm not trying to stop you. In fact I want you to be happy. And I know that's not here. It never was."

He tightened his jaw.

"But terminating? I understand that it's completely your decision but you always talked about how hard it would be for you to even have kids and how much you wanted one when it came time."

I shook my head quickly.

"I can't keep it. It wouldn't be fair to either of us. Or it. No matter how much I want it."

"And thats your choice?"

He said a little defeated. He knew it didn't matter. No matter how excited I was when I found out or how much I was anticipating carrying through. But that was before I knew there was a possibility he could be with her again. And before I knew I'd be doing this alone. It took me two days to come to terms with the fact that he should know before he leaves. So here we were.

"we've been together for seven years Steve, I know you well enough to know you're leaving."

"I don't have to."

He said just above a whisper, his hands making their way to my hips.

"We both know that's a lie. From the moment we found out it would work we knew you were going. It's okay."

We both just stared at each other for a moment, trying not to cry. He knew I always hid my emotions well, something that took both of us a good time to learn and work around. But now I didn't know if I wanted to. The only thing I guess keeping me from crying, sobbing, holding him close again, was the want for him to finally be happy. Even if it broke me a little on the inside. But we both knew we were truly in love with different people.

"I do love you." he said softly.

"And I you. But this wasn't forever."

I moved his hands off my hips and held them in mine.

"I guess it never really was."

"No. more of a place holder until we could be where we really belong."

He looked down at them connected for a moment before looking back to my face.

"You gonna talk to him?"

I half shrugged.

"Maybe we could bond over losing you."

I joked, a smile tugging at the edge of his lips.

"Maybe you could learn from each other. He needs you just as much as you need him."

I sighed.

"Think he'll want it?"

I was almost serious but I doubted he would.

"The baby?"

He asked a little dumfounded and I snorted.

"Steven grant Rogers Jr?"

He laughed, shaking his head.

"He's getting better."

"So was I."

He sent me a look.

"You still are."

"I'll miss you Steve."

I admitted, him pulling me into a tight hug. And I finally let a tear slip.

"I'll miss you too y/n. I'll always keep you in my heart."

He whispered before pulling away, still holding me in his arms.

"Don't forget about me okay?"

I croaked out.

"How could I? You changed my life."

He offered a small smile.

"I love you Steve."

He leaned forward and kissed me gently, resting his forehead against mine afterwards.

"Take care of each other and everything will be alright."

°°°°°°°°°

He asked if I wanted to come over to be with them but I couldn't do it. I'd much rather sit here in the van with my own thoughts and emotions than any of them see me cry again. I could still see everyone and everything that was happening and I wasn't quite sure if that was worse or not. Bucky had his hands in his pockets, a sadness over him, and Sam had a very enthusiastic demeanor. But he didn't know. Not like we did. That hurt. Losing love always does.

I blinked out a few more tears as I got back out of the van, walking to the end of it and watching them intently. Steve was on the platform, shield and hammer in hand. He looked from them to me and I offered the smallest smile but it was better than nothing. I just hoped he knew exactly how much I did care for him and how okay I was with him going. After all, he deserved his happy ending. The man out of time.

When I heard Sam and Bruce arguing I figured that was my queue. It was one slow, shaky step after another to get to where they were. Then Bucky said something and all our attention made it's way to a figure sitting at the edge of the clearing. Without a second thought my hand was over my mouth and I tried my hardest to hold the sob threatening to spill from my lips. I looked to the sky and wiped the few tears away, taking a labored breath. I swallowed hard, shook my head, and kept on my mission. When I made it to Bucky he offered a broken smile, leaning into me as I slipped my arm into his. We were silent for a moment as we watched Sam talk to Steve. He looked like he had changed so much but also not at all. But he looked happy and that's what mattered. Even if it broke all of us.

"This isn't going to be easy."

I said just above a whisper and he nodded.

"What was it that he always said? We do this together?"

I half laughed, looking to the ground and kicking a stick lightly.

"Walk with me?

I asked, looking back to him and He nodded. It was fairly leisurely as we turned and passed Bruce, still flipping switches and turning the machine off. But there was a wracking at my brain as I held onto to Bucky for dear life. There was probably a million things to say but I knew what needed to be heard because it was the same thing on my mind.

"Ya know he didn't belong here. He never really did."

I looked up at him and he swallowed hard.

"That doesn't make it any easier."

I hummed softly.

"No it doesn't. What does though is knowing that he still believes in us, even if we don't believe in ourselves."

His pace got slower.

"I'm gonna miss him."

I swallowed hard.

"We all will. But you know just like I do that he had to leave. He found his purpose a long time ago and it wasn't here with us."

The tears were threatening again and he stopped.

"What about you?"

I looked over his stone cold features for a moment as he stared down at me. I ran my thumb over his arm lightly.

"I made peace with it. I've been in love with someone else for a while. since we met anyway. He knew that. And he knew that the people we were meant for weren't available. So we stayed together."

His head hung low.

"Oh. So you've found someone else already?"

He looked back to me with a different form of sadness behind his eyes.

"Bucky-"

"No it's okay, I'm glad you have. I guess everyone's moving on."

I shook my head.

"Buck I'm talking about you."

He deadpanned.

"You are?"

I nodded slowly, trying to choose my words carefully.

"I've known since the day we met. I was meant to be with you. Sometimes you just know, you feel it. But you weren't ready and that's okay."

We started walking again.

"But you and steve-"

"Had a mutual understanding to fill each other's needs until we could make it back to our own person. even if it was seven years of dating and living together and just carrying on. we were happy for the most part. like living with a friend."

i squeezed his arm.

"but ive known it was supposed to be you. And i know we've been working through things together, its brought us closer. and if you're ready I'd love to try this more than friends thing. But if not that's okay too. I've waited this long."

I let out a short laugh.

"I've been working so hard."

He said and I looked to him.

"as a young man there was nothing I wanted more than to settle down and start a family. But I don't want to hurt you. I still don't trust myself and you've held me enough nights to know the nightmares still linger."

I stopped him and stood in front of him so we were facing each other. I placed my hands firmly on his arms and he tensed. I looked intently between his eyes.

"Bucky you could never hurt me."

I said sternly.

"Who else has visited you and dealt with the nightmares since you've been here? Who else knows more about you than Steve? Who has voluntarily been your partner and your friend?"

He looked down a little ashamed as I kept going.

"Buck, I know with the snap it's been a while but that doesn't change how I feel. Relationships Are about growth and sacrifice."

He nodded slowly.

"Yeah I guess you're right. And I guess Part of me has been waiting for a long time to hear that from you."

I reached up and cupped his face, running my thumb over his check bone as he smiled down at me.

"So you wanna try this whole dating thing?"

"I'd love to. If you'll have me."

He said a little unsure. I swallowed hard as realization struck me. Well that or the nausea.

"Before we do this I do need to tell you something."

He looked a little concerned

"Okay?"

"It came up earlier and I don't want it to change how you feel about me or us because I'm still on the fence about my decision. But I'm pregnant."

He just stared at me for a long while, eyes wide.

"I didn't want it to be the deciding factor on Steve staying or not and I've been thinking about aborting it. I won't be able to do this on my own and it's not fair to dump this on you either-"

"Hey, no no no no no, I get it's your decision but if you want help. I can- I mean i may not be the best candidate but I've always wanted a family. And I'm not about to leave someone I care about behind because something like that came up. im still learning and finding myself again but if you want help... im more than happy to lend a hand."

I looked over this face again. He seemed serious.

"Are you sure? I don't want to push this on you when you're already so unsure about yourself. I was gonna make an appointment tomorrow-"

"No, don't even worry about it. Maybe this will be the push I need. I mean we've got mine months. I could be better by then. maybe not a lot but something is better than nothing. and like you said, when you know you know. We can be fully established by then, right?"

I smiled, his hands moving to my hips.

"With your pardon and starting over again in the real world yeah I think we can. If you don't mind taking care of a tiny Steve Rogers."

He laughed, cringing a little bit.

"Are we gonna tell them that?"

I laughed too and for once it felt like a weight off my shoulders.

"It's gonna be complicated because they obviously won't look like you but as far as I'm concerned this was a decision we make together, to be parents, so you'll still be their dad. If you want to be off course. Even if Steve is the one that made it."

He nodded, pulling me into a hug.

"Thank you for giving me a chance. I promise I won't mess this up."

I pulled away from him and kissed his cheek quickly.

"Bucky I love you. If you want to do this with me there is no way you could mess it up."

He smiled at me a genuine smile before kissing me gently. It was soft and caring and like a switch was flipped. When he pulled away he picked me up and I squealed, laughing as he buried his face in my neck.

"I love you too darlin'."

#wattpad #x reader #steve rogers #captain america #bucky barnes #james buchanan barnes #white wolf #the winter soldier #the falcon and the winter soldier #imagines #one shots #marvel #332

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hockeybabestars · 4 years

Text

august/september fic recs

since september is over here are my fic recs i’ve read over the past two months!! i know i’ve been a lil m.i.a lately but just wanted to let all you fic writers know you’re appreciated. much love <3

canucks

mornings with you - brock boeser by @prettyboybarzal : all i can say is SOFT. like puppy soft, melted butter soft. idk if this even makes sense but that’s how i feel. banter = perfect, and anything brock makes my heart stop. this was beautifully written.

mirrorball - brock boeser by @nolypats : okay the softest sweetest brock dad fic and it was frickin cute too. had me in a wave of emotions from laughing to crying. genuinely sweet please go read.

take my heart, i’ll give you my soul - brock boeser by @nolypats : seriously this fic wrecked me in ways i can only describe as amazing. i made myself wait a few days after it came out bc after reading the preview i knew my heart was gonna hurt, and damn did it ever. my heart broke with the characters and mended itself at the end. i was feeling a rollercoaster of emotions and you will 100% do the same. 100000000/10 must read

all my focus on you - jake virtanen by @pucksnsticksnhockeyboys : i love the totally blind and oblivious don’t know that you’re in love with someone until other people point it out look. it really does something to me. THE SOFTNESS OF THIS THO. i love it.

maple leafs

when fate stepped in - tyson barrie by @jasondickinsons : y’all know im a sucker for soulmate!au’s and im so invested in this series. the way tyson and the reader get to know each other and build their relationship is everything. i would consider this a slow burn and it burns so good. tyson’s chivalry will make you fall in love.

the plus one pact - william nylander by @puckinghell : listen the growth that the reader and willy go through individually in this story makes their ending so much sweeter. we love dynamic characters baby. also just imagine willy as your plus one to every event. like savor it. so good. i loved this series.

4 times you thought he would kiss you & 1 time he did - travis dermott by @jasondickinsons : this is so good. i’m a sucker for all the almost moments, and the ending could not have been more perfect. the way that kylie writes details gets my stomach turning literally everytime i read her writing. this is a story you can obsess over.

islanders

goodnight n go - mat barzal by @bandgirlsclub : i love this song and this was SUCH A CONCEPT. i loved the way sophie ended each part of this 4+1, it was literally perfect like all of her writing. I was hooked from the get go.

what your best friend doesn’t know - mat barzal by @jasondickinsons : well shit if this doesn’t get your heart racing i don’t know what will. the tension leading up is so palpable and good and then soft and sweet. loved it.

flames

all for you - brady & matthew tkachuk by @comphersjost : this fic and it’s second part gave me a slew of emotions. i was a wreck by the end of reading it. we love good old fashion pining. it’s it bad that i like to feel my heart hurt when i read this? probably. will i do it again? yes.

stuck with you - matthew tkachuk & vince dunn by @bandgirlsclub : tumblr made me love both of these guys and im not mad about it. this is so good. i was so conflicted about who i wanted the reader to end up with for the first three chapters but in the end it all works out. the bubble hockey fic you all need to read.

the one who needs saving - noah hanifin by @antoineroussel : i haven’t seen too many hanny fics on this site and that’s a damn shame bc that mans is a total cutie- and this fic def shows that. they form a friendship in the oddest of ways but they way that the reader and noah are there for each other makes my heart swell. i wasnt expecting it to end the way it did and i loved it! this was such a good read go see for yourself.

avs

lessons in romance - nathan mackinnon by @prettyboybarzal : one night i randomly searched “nathan mackinnon fic” and this popped up and WOW. im so glad i did. lowkey don’t know when or why or how i got into this mans but it suddenly happened and this fic isn’t helping. i am a soft girl and nate is learning how to be soft and the moments when he actually wants the reader make my stomach turn in such a good way. im in love with this story.

coupley things - nathan mackinnon by @broadstbroskis : i love mutual pining, hold up let me say it louder for the people in the back I LOVE MUTUAL PINING! holy shit this is adorable. wedding date nate is all we need in life

#kgs recs #hockey fic rec #must read series

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mrsmaybankhere · 4 years

Text

Still want you - JJ MAYBANK X READER

hello loves

you can call me Den and this is my first JJ Maybank fic and god how much i enjoyed to write it!!i hope you like it and sorry for any mistakes, english is not my first language.

also i got inspired to write this by the song named “Still want you” by ZHU. I think the lyrics really match JJ in the show as well and i love it

i really wanna hear your true opinion on it or you can send me requests because i will def write them as soon as i can!!

"I should be so hurt

'Cause your rejection is so obvious..."

You walk down the beach, waching the big waves and John B and JJ riding them with laughs imprinted on their stupid faces you love so much. Kie and Sarah are there as well, standing on the hot sand with their swimsuits on, so as you approach them you take off your shirt and short pants, doing the same with your pair of black Vans. You glared at your boyfriend, but he seemed like he didn't was aware of your presence yet. He was laughing, standing on the surf board and getting lost into the waves, his wet blonde hair a mess on his head. You were staring, but you just couldn't help yourself. After a year of friendship and three months of relationship, he still have the power to leave you speechless with how amazing he is.

"Stop drolling, [Y/N]" Kie says laughing and you and Sarah imediatelly laugh with her, you having a bashful smile on your pink lips as you push a piece of hair behind your ear. You fell really damn hard for JJ Maybank.

While you were talking with the girls about the turtles and saving them after the hurricane from three days ago, John B and JJ got out of the water and approached you. But you frown in surprise and confusion as you send JJ a big ass smile, excited to finally have his presence next to you and he only waved at you, walking right into the Chateau after.

"What's wrong with him?" Sarah asked with a frown and you don't know what to say. You just let your fingers into sand and looked away from their confused glares. You are just as confused as they are.

"I wish I would know too.."

"John B?" Kie says with a raising eyebrow, looking at the boy who was surprisingly silent.

He just shrug while pulling Sarah closer to his wet body.

"Hey, don't look at me like that! don't know anything."

You didn't really trusted him, but you tried to ignore the knot that is growing inside your stomach.

"It's just a JJ thing. He will come around, don't worry [Y/N]."

But how could you? How could you not worry about JJ when that's your job? Taking care of his impulsive ass.

"Damn, who pissed in JJ's bong?" Pope asked with a frown as he approached you and the Pogues laughed a bit. He was just walking out of the Chateau and JJ didn't even saw him, almost catching him between the door and the wall.

You wanted to laugh too and you tried to, but it seemed so fake.

"And I feel stupid and I cry

And I cry and I cry and I cry..."

Days later, JJ's mood became something more than that. He was avoiding you and everyone saw it. The pogues keep telling you to have no worries, that this is something he always does and it was partially true. He has days once in a while, usually after going home, when he get really moody and his temper is shorter than usual, but back then he was never cold and indifferent towards you and the Pogues. He was still your funny and warm JJ, but just a little more angry which always excited you, especially when you were alone. But now it was different and you just couldn't stay like this anymore. The knot in your stomach is so big now that you have breathing issues everytime you see him leaving the Chateau as soon as you walk in.

But today you gonna talk. You didn't care, not even another hurricane would stop you from it.

The Pogues were out on a double date, which should involve you and JJ too, but apparently you don't act like a couple anymore. You guess that was his way of telling you to fuck off, but it hurt even more than actually hearing it from him.

"Do we have any food left?" He ask as he walks into the Chateau, thinking that he's talking with John B.

"Yea, some cold pizza." You say with a stern voice and you put your arms at your chest, watching him. You can't really read his face when he saw you, but clearly it wasn't happiness. He groaned and turned around to walk out, you stopping him by grabbing his arm.

"JJ, what the fuck? Do you think I'm stupid?"

"Nah, you're pretty smart actually." He simply says and shrug while walking into the kitchen, opening the fridge and looking for that pizza you were talking about.

You can't believe how ignorant he was. It drives you insane, but you tried your best to remain calm.

"Why are you treating me like this? Like shit?"

"I'm not, that's who I am. The door is right there if you don't like it, princess."

You shut your eyes and look at him, falling apart on the inside as you still try to look calm on the outside. He wasn't seeing your face as he was still turned to the fridge, but you're sure that he knows what he's doing to you right now. Calling you "princess" wasn't a compliment or a joke as he used to. It was a insult. Reminding you that you are not one of them and you will never be.

"What? JJ...What the fuck? Why-Why are you doing this to me?" You don't even try to hide your tears as it filled your eyes, blurring your vision of him when he turned to you.

"Don't start with emotional shits now, okay? How long have we been together anyway? 3 weeks? Not a big deal." He grabbed a beer instead of any food and walked past you, but you move in front of him, not letting him go away from you again.

"Stop fucking lying and acting like this! This is not you, J...You love me and I know it. This is not you, baby. Just talk to me..." Your voice crack while you screamed with tears wetting your cheeks and chin. You realizing that he's lying to you because he was always excited to remaind you how long you made it together. And hearing that it wasn't a big deal when you gave him your virginity, broke your heart in your chest in tiny pieces that stabbed your lungs, your everything, ripping you apart on the inside.

You gasp for air, not able to control yourself anymore and he throws the beer can into the door, spilling it everywhere. His whole body was tensed, his jawline and fists clenched. This was the most of emotions he had show to you in the last week.

"You're just a kook, a spoiled daddy's girl, how can you truly know who I am? You don't know shit about me and my life, [Y/N]" He screams in your face and you're whole body is shacking in pain, but you don't take any step back. You're stunned.

"Cause you're not tellin me shit, JJ! You're not telling me anything and you fucking expect me to understand you. I may not be one of you and you will never find enough in me, but I'm trying my best for fucks sake! How can I do that when I don't even...."

You shut your mouth, watching his face as you wipped your tears away. Inside of him there was a storm that was ripping apart every piece of him because of hurting you right now. But he just can't help it. People always leave and especially when you are rich as fuck and you have a lot more opportunites than a stupid Pogue. Why woud you stay? For what?

"You don't even what?" He asks with a lower voice and you let out another sob, glaring right into his blue icy eyes as you talk.

"Maybe you're true. Maybe I don't know how you are at all."

"Yea" He just nods his head and his wet eyes followed your body as you walked out of the Chateau, your hand covering your mouth to shut down the scream that you need to let it out.

You got into your car and you let your head on the steering wheel as you cry in silence, hearing the waves and the loud rock music that was coming from the Chateau.

How could you be this stupid? You really did believe that things will work out for you, you got along so well and you put your whole heart on the table. For him to just throw the fucking table away.

"But then I tell myself that it will be okay

But it's not true, I still want you..."

You forgot how going out felt like.

After almost a month of not leaving your house at all, you finally accepted to go to the beach party tonight. But you didn't wanted to go with Kie and Sarah since you know they will hang out with JJ as well, so you just went with the Kooks, some of your girl friends from high school.

You keeping telling yourself that you will be fine to see him again. That you have to show him how okay you are after he broke your stupid heart. But finally seeing him at the bonfire caught you off guards and your eyes became wet. You can feel his glare on you and when you finally have the courage to make eye contact with him, you need all the strength you find in yourself to keep your calm.

He looked just as bad as you, but he was still breathtakingly handsome. Even with dark circle around his eyes, a little beard growing and bloodshot tired eyes. He wasn't joking or laughing with the others, he wasn't flirting with the Tourons around him. He wasn't JJ and you weren't yourself. You couldn't be without each other and when he sent you a little sad smile you know he realized it too.

It's weird that after breaking your heart and calling you out without even a damn reason, you still find yourself wanting him. Your body and your heart still ache for him and his touch.

"Lately, I've been thinking about

All the things that we've been through... "

You got up from Jessica to go to fill your cup again. Drinking makes you feel a little better and this month you really took advantage of that, drowing the memories and feelings with fancy wines and champagnes, not even trying to hide that from your father.

You almost scream when a firmly hand is placed on your mouth and pull you more into the woods. You know who this is without turning around.

"You scared the shit outta me...Stop doing that" You talk like you were cool again and you both realized that, your uncomfortable smiles showing it. He scratch the back of his neck as he put a few meters between you two. You felt that right into your heart, but he was just doing it because he know that he's not really able to control himself around you.

"How are you?" He asks and you roll your eyes.

"This is what we gonna have now? Small talks?"

"I just wanna know if you are doing well, [Y/N]."

You want to say yes. But he raise his eyebrows at you, watching you with his clear eyes. Their color is darker now because the weak light only coming from the moon, but you know his features way too well. You used to admire and analyze him every morning when you woke up first on the couch at the Chateau. That became JJ's room and then you and JJ's room. You didn't have much, but you were beyond happy.

"No, J. I'm not."

"Lately, I regret all the fucked up

Things that I've put you throug..."

He is looking like he's thinking really hard at something and you give him some time. You both remaining quiet for some moments, still hearing music, laughs and screams from the beach party.

"[Y/N] I'm sorry for everything I said to you. I had to. But...I-I don't think I can go on without you there, princess."

You shut your eyes at the nickname. He used it again and this time it wasn't a insult like the last time.

"Why-Why did you do it?"

He hesitated, but your wet eyes are locking with his and he knows that he can't get away with it anymore.

"Your father talked to me. He told me that if I keep the relationship with you, you won't be going to college. That he will get you out in the street." You can see the pain on his face as your own changed from the pain of hearing that.

Your own father did that...

You thought about ending your life and all of that because your father.

You let out a loud sob as you ran into his strong warm arms, him quickly grabbing you. He's holding your face at the crook of his neck as you keep crying and screaming that you can't believe that.

"I couldn't destroy your future. You wanna go to the college. I don't-...I can't ruin that for you."

You bit on your lip as tears fall on the hot skin of his neck. You close your eyes, slowly being calmed down by his presence, by the warmth of his body and his touches on your skin. You lift your head and he leans his head closer to yours, your foreheads pressed together as you whispered with your eyes now open and partially dry.

"I guess you will have a rommate at the Chateau. If that's okay..."

"W-what?"

"Still tryna learn to be personal

Still uncomfortable being me

Still tryna learn to be vulnerable..."

"Yea, if that's okay...You're more important than a stupid college, JJ."

His warms wraps around your waist, keeping you close to him and locking your eyes together. You gently touch his dark circle with the tip of your fingers and you slowly and softly kiss them, your hands running through his hair.

"I don't wanna ruin your future, [Y/N]..Mine is ruined. If I would do that to yours, I wouldn't be able to ever forgive myself."

"You won't, baby stop saying that. What if-What if I will work at The Wreck? Kie won't mind that."

He looked away for a few short moments and then softly kiss the top of your freckled nose.

"We will see that, sweet thing." A smile is slowly playing on his plump lips and you want so bad to kiss him right now, but there's still is one important thing.

"But you have to talk to me, JJ. We-...We can't have a relationship when we aren't open up to each other."

"I hate being-...Being vulnerable and emotional."

You whisper "i know" but you can't keep your smile for yourself only. You look at him with pure adoration and love.

"But I swear I will try for you."

Your heart and legs melt at his words and you pull him to your lips but he talks again, barely touching your lips with his.

"I would give you all I have, [Y/N]. All just to see you happy."

You bring him into the kiss, your tongue quickly meeting his and as you slowly tasted each other, the knot in your stomach is long gone. You smile into the kiss because you know that he would really do anything for your happiness and he just proved that by breaking his own heart to hurt you.

#jj maybank imagines #jj maybank #jj imagine #jj mayback x reader #outer banks #obx imagine #obx fic #obx netflix #rudy pankow imagines #rudy pankow #rudy obx #rudy #kooks vs pogues #outer banks pogues #the pogues #pogues #jj x reader #reader x jj maybank

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softyhyunjin · 4 years

Text

ldr ⊵ bang chan

Description: Distance definitely makes the heart grow fonder.

இ genre: friends to lovers, ldr, college au, angst?, def fluff

இ pairing: chan x reader

இ word count: 12.5k

warnings?: there’s alc, and a pretty mf hot chan

a/n: @changbeanie it’s been a while ´･ᴗ･` wow, just wow

↫ i ↬

“Chan, I need to spill the tea!”

He came to a halt, setting aside his unopened One Piece mystery figures. When he looked into the camera lens, his brows knit together in a little frown.

“No Y/N, you can’t spill the tea! The tea is hot, and if you spill it, you are gonna get burned,” Chan playfully scolded you and laughed shortly after.

“I’m serious Chan,” you whined, covering your face to hide your warm cheeks. Chan laughed even more. You didn’t know whether he was laughing at you or his joke. Maybe it was both.

He calmed down and leaned back into his gaming chair. Sighing in content, he looked at you from his monitor, smiling softly. “Go ahead, tell me,” Chan said.

“Can I really?” You removed your hands from your face and rolled your eyes.

“Yes, now go!” He chuckled.

“I caught Changbin on a date with someone!”

Chan faked a gasp, “Ahhh, no way.”

“Oh, so you knew?”

“Yes, but I’d like you to finish spilling the tea.”

“That’s all I wanted to spill,” you scoffed. Of course, Chan would know about Changbin’s love life, he was close to all his friends after all. Now, your reasoning for calling him went down the drain. Useless.

Chan shrugged, “He already told me his plan to confess to his crush a while back, so I’m not surprised. Ruby, I think that’s her name? Yeah.”

“Okay, goodnight then. I’ll call you later this week if I can,” you sighed in defeat, swiping your mouse pad to hang up.

“Wait, wait, wait. Y/N, you didn’t even let me finish opening the package you sent me. Don’t you want to see who I got?” His eyes lit up at his unopened One Piece figures.

“Not really, it cost me a fortune to ship it out to you,” you spun around in your chair, faking disinterest to the birthday boy, but in reality, you wanted to stretch the call as long as you could. You really missed him.

Chan had been studying abroad in Berlin for two months. You remember him speaking to you about it and listing his options in order: Berlin, Dublin, and Paris. When you asked why he placed Berlin as his first choice, he said its nightlife attracted him the most, which isn’t surprising, considering the night owl he is. And bonus, it was cheaper than his other options.

“Should I call Woojin to watch me unbox instead, then?” He cocked his brow.

“Do you really want him to watch you unbox it?” You pouted.

“Noo, I want you to watch me. But… I guess you don’t wanna,” Bang Chan shrugged.

“Ugh, you already know I do.”

“Then why didn’t you say so in the first place?” He teased further, enjoying his ability to easily earn a reaction from you.

“Are you coming back to Sydney for Thanksgiving?” You responded with a question.

“No, it would be pointless because I have to immediately fly back to Berlin for finals. Maybe I should stay here until the 22nd of December. Besides, I’m gonna miss it here. Oh-“ He excitedly tore off the wrap of his gift, “Tony Tony Chopper. I had a feeling I would get him,” he laughed.

“Oh,” you said in a small voice but quickly hid your disappointment and smiled. “I was hoping you’d get him.”

Inside, you were pretty bummed out. Not seeing Chan for over a month was torture. Whatever you wanted to try would have to wait until he got back: the new restaurant by the mall, going on a fishing trip, and using the remaining benefits of your favorite amusement park’s season pass. Most importantly, you chose to wait for him to come home so that the two of you could binge-watch the latest season of Stranger Things.

Chan had already caught the disappointment in your voice and put down the Tony Tony Chopper figure. Propping his elbow onto the desk, he used his palm to cup his chin, leaning into the monitor. Although he was ten thousand miles away, the gesture made him feel closer to you and Sydney. “You know that’s not what I meant. I miss home, my mum’s cooking, hanging with the guys, and cuddling with Berry. I get homesick at times, but I love it here.”

“I know, I’m just bored without you. I want to go bar hopping in Sydney again,” you groaned, feeling bad for making Chan explain himself when he didn’t even need to.

“Tch, you just want to see the guys drunk call their girlfriends again.”

“Not even! I only want to see Hyunjin drunk call his girlfriend, it’s so cute when he whines to her about wanting to be the little spoon. He gets so embarrassed whenever Jisung and I show him the recordings,” you cackled like a witch.

Chan shook his head in disapproval, chuckling at your words, “Y/N, You’re so evil. Just wait until you’re the one to drunk call somebody.”

“Who knows? Maybe I’ll have somebody by the time you come back,” you shrugged.

“Oooh, well, do you?”

“We’ll just have to wait until the next time we go bar hopping.”

“Then, you’re gonna have to wait for another two months,” he sang through the screen, his hand reaching for the mouse to select a song on one of his Spotify playlists.

SLANDER & Said the Sky - Potions (ft. JT Roach)

“It’s going to be a long wait,” you sighed, drumming your fingers against your desk.

“Every time you said a word, I was starin' at your lips. I don't think I've ever been so close to a love like this,” he sang along before taking a pause to say, “I’ll be home before you know it.”

Shooting him with a finger gun, you suggested, “Ahah! Are drinks gonna be on you?”

“Shouldn’t you be buying? I’m the one coming home.”

You scowled. “Ask the boys because you miss them.”

“Don’t worry, I miss you too,” Chan easily confessed, bobbing his head to the drop of the bass.

↫ ii ↬

“Gobble gobble gobble!”

“Shut up, we don’t even have a turkey,” Minho said, slapping Jisung’s ass when he took up the entire couch.

Jisung scooted enough for Minho to sit and used his lap as a pillow, “Hey, I told everyone to pitch in for our lovely Friendsgiving, but nooo! So, it ain’t my problem.”

“We pitched in for beef, that’s even better,” Hyunjin said, jumping back when the meat hit the electric grill, abruptly sizzling and splattering oil onto his hand.

“Gimme that, you’re going to end up burning the meat and your hand,” Jeongin took the metal tongs from Hyunjin, increasing the temperature of the grill and adding more slices of brisket.

“Haha, who are you trying to impress? Y/N?” Woojin joked.

Seungmin killed Woojin’s joke in an instant, “No, he’s trying to practice for his crush. They went out the other day and she cooked for him the whole time.”

Changbin stole the first slice of meat from the serving tray, saying with a mouthful, “Big fat rip, dude.”

“Hello?” Felix said after picking up an incoming call from his phone. He rolled his eyes at the person speaking on the other line, “Liv, I told you to always have your wallet on you. No, I am not going to drive over to drop it off. Just stop by the house on your way to the movies.”

“Your sister left her wallet at home again?” Jisung asked.

Felix shrugged, “Yeah, she always does that. I’m not gonna drop it off to her this time. Whatever, she said she’ll be here in ten.”

You wedged yourself between Felix and Seungmin on the couch, making yourself comfortable while Felix challenged Minho on Super Smash Bros. Jisung had just finished setting up his Nintendo Switch on Felix’s TV and tossed both controllers to the first round competitors. Felix selected Dark Pit whereas Minho did the random selection and got Ness.

“Nooooo! FUCK.” Felix screeched after Minho sent his character flying off the platform. You covered your ears but laughed at Felix’s loss.

Minho smirked, nodding to his opponent, wiggling his eyebrows. “Do you want to change your fighter?”

Rolling his tongue in his mouth, Felix shook his head, “No, rematch.”

The doorbell rang. Without a glance, too absorbed into his rematch with Minho, Felix asked you to open the front gate for Olivia. You left the couch and went outside to open it for her. When you opened the wooden gate, you found Bang Chan waiting outside instead of Felix’s sister. Your mouth went agape.

“You’re back...” You said, stepping aside to let him in.

Shock was still written across your face. He gently patted his carry on before leaning in to take a look at your face. Jokingly, he said, “I take it that you’re not thrilled to see me, should I leave then?”

Seeing him in person made your heart swell. You suddenly remembered how much you missed him. Overwhelmed by his presence, your eyes began to pool with tears and just could not stop. Without blinking, a big, fat tear escaped. Wiping the stray tear with the sleeve of your hoodie, you wanted to stop crying but wound up sniffling.

Chan reached for your other arm, gently drawing small circles with his thumb. He couldn’t help but laugh as he attempted to soothe you. “Hey, hey, why are you crying?” He cooed, throwing another joke, “Maybe I should just leave…”

“No, don't.”

Although tears kept on falling, you laughed back and patted your cheeks dry with your sleeve. Chan let go of the carry-on, spreading his arms wide for only one reason. You accepted his invitation, leaning forward to wrap your arms around his torso. “Don’t worry, I missed you too. But I didn’t expect you to cry so much,” he teased.

The vibration his laughter gave off, made your insides feel warm and fuzzy. Chan smelled like fresh laundry mixed with the familiar cologne he only wore for special occasions. He rocked you side to side, and you could feel the smile spread across his face from his chuckling. You wanted to hug him even longer but a notification went off, causing both of you to pull away from each other.

It was coming from the Apple Watch gifted to him from everyone for his 21st birthday. Chan checked the notification, disregarding it when it began to spam. “Let’s go inside,” he said, patting your shoulders to make you head in first.

“Finally! What took you so long?” Felix jumped from the couch to give Chan a hug.

Chan gave a nonchalant shrug, “My mum wouldn’t stop talking. If it weren’t for Hannah and Olivia needing a ride to the mall, I would’ve gotten here much later.”

“Christopher Bang, I have been waiting for you,” Jisung swooped in, giving Chan a bear hug. Then, weakly whispered into his dear friend’s ear, “If it was any longer, I would’ve died from starvation.”

You frowned all of a sudden. “Wait, all of you guys knew he was coming back for Thanksgiving?”

“Surprise!” Felix awkwardly laughed because he knew you were going to strangle him later.

“Yeah? Why wouldn’t he come back? It’s Thanksgiving,” Hyunjin walked out of the kitchen with the rest of the guys to hug Chan.

“You said you weren’t though,” you said, narrowing your eyes at Chan. He removed the black cap from his head, sheepishly running a hand through his... dark brown hair? There was no longer a strand of dirty blonde. “Oh my god, and you dyed your hair back to your natural hair color,” you gasped.

“Boy, I am starving,” he whistled, purposely ignoring your stare.

Jisung wrapped his arms around yours and Chan’s shoulders, inhaling the aroma of Seungmin’s freshly baked pies coming from the oven. “I’m so fucking stoked to eat. Let’s eat.”

↫ iii ↬ bh.pt.i ↫

Famous Dex - Japan

“Baby girl, what you doing, where your mans? I just popped a xan, fifty thousand in Japan.”

Chan sang Japan by Famous Dex, pointing to Felix once they both made eye contact. Felix quickly caught on, finishing the chorus with a strong dab, “I ain't doin' no playin', these red bottoms, not no Vans. And she tellin' all her friends, I might put 'em on the Gram, aye!”

“I don’t know you two anymore,” you cringed at the pair. Once the song was over, they started singing to Lil Uzi Vert’s ‘XO TOUR Llif3.’

“Should've saw the way she looked me in my eyes. She said baby I am not afraid to, die. Push me to the edge, all my friends are dead, push me to the edge, all my friends are dead,” they both sang, clasping each other’s hands and bobbing their heads.

“Ah shit, the Uber driver is gonna be outside in two minutes,” Felix cursed and ran upstairs to his room to grab his bomber.

“Hurry, or else we’re going to leave you!” Chan shouted towards the stairs, then, lowering his voice to tell you, “Let’s leave him.”

You rolled your eyes, and he cracked a smile.

After Thanksgiving, Chan had two and a half days left before heading back to Berlin. You wanted to spend as much time as you can with him. Not only you, but everyone else wanted to. And the perfect way to do it:

Bar hopping. (bh)

Jisung brought up the idea because he wanted to buy his friend a drink. It was a treat for Chan since he’s been away for nearly three months. But also, Jisung was anticipating to record any of Hyunjin’s embarrassing moments. For him, it was killing two birds with one stone.

“Thank you, sir, have a good one,” Chan said to the Uber driver, waving goodbye as he was the last to exit the backseat of the car.

Felix scanned the area, squinting whenever he saw anyone coming out of a shop. “Uh, we just arrived. Where are you- Oh! I see Woojin waiting in the front,” he hung up.

“I’m so hungry.” Your stomach grumbled.

“Yoooooo! Broski, over here,” Felix waved both hands in the air. The three of you approached Woojin, giving him a hug before entering the bar.

Everyone was already seated inside munching on some salted peanuts. Changbin tossed a peanut into the air, and Jisung caught it in his mouth, extending his arms in the air to gloat his victory. “Now buy me a drink,” he demanded.

“Fine,” Changbin scoffed but agreed.

Once the three of you settled down in the large booth, Woojin ordered a beer and a shot of tequila for each person. You were excited to drink but hated tequila. It was the first alcohol to ever give you a massive hangover. The taste was disgusting and a measly whiff could still trigger your gag reflexes.

“Alright, whoever finishes last needs to take another shot of tequila,” Felix snickered.

“Ugh, no,” Hyunjin groaned.

Chan leaned in to whisper into your ear, “Will you be able to handle it?”

You bumped your left shoulder against his right, “Of course, who do you think I am?”

Changbin knocked on the table, grabbing everyone’s attention. “3! 2! 1! Go!”

You chugged the beer while keeping your eyes open for the rest of the guys. Most of them started off with their shot of tequila to get it over with while you, Jisung, and Jeongin started off with beer. By the time you were halfway done with your beer, the tequila starters were beginning to touch their beers. Some were still making faces from sucking the complementary lime wedges that came with the tequila.

Finishing the last of your beer, Jisung slapped the table with his shot glass. Still sucking his like wedge, he pointed at you to hurry so you can come in second place. You wiped your mouth with the back of your hand, grabbing the lime wedge in one hand and the tequila shot in the other, downing it in one go. “That’s so fucking nasty,” you whined and chewed into the lime wedge.

“Done,” Changbin said, sliding his empty drinks into the center of the table.

Next, Chan burped out loud, saying, “I’m done. Excuse me.”

When everyone finished, the order came out to be: Jisung, Y/N, Changbin, Chan, Woojin, Minho, Felix, Seungmin, Jeongin, Hyunjin.

“FUck, this shit. I hate bar hop… ping,” Hyunjin complained, burping in defeat.

“Bottoms up, loser,” Jisung laughed.

“Drink! Drink! Drink!” Everyone chanted, cheering when Hyunjin finished the last of the devil’s juice. Already, his face was getting red as he lazily brushed his messy bangs away from his eyes.

Even though Jeongin was second to the last place, he was eager to move on to the next round. Rubbing his hands in excitement, he asked, “So what’s next?”

↫ iii ↬ barhopping pt.ii ↫

“We are just going to take it chill this round,” Seungmin cutely laughed.

The lightweight slurred, jabbing his index finger onto Seungmin’s chest, “No, you wanted to take it chill this round.”

“He’s trying to save you,” you slapped Hyunjin’s back, “But I don’t mind taking it chill this round.”

Already tipsy and spouting out nonsense like always, Jisung called you out, “Y/N, what’s with the getup today?”

He really emphasized the makeup and your fitted black off-shoulder top with dramatic John Cena hand movements. You grew embarrassed by the sudden attention. Now, everyone’s eyes were on you, especially Bang Chan’s. Your cheeks grew warm as you blushed, but that honestly did not matter because the lighting of the second bar was dark enough to hide them.

“Jisung, they’re just falsies,” you rolled your eyes.

Hyunjin cocked an eyebrow into your direction, “My girlfriend likes to wear them when she’s going out. Are you going out with anybody?” He put his head down and burped. “Keeping seCrets huh? uGH, I miss my girlfriend.”

“Nooo, definitely not…” You sighed, “I just felt like doing something different today.”

“Is it because Chan is back?” Seungmin felt like he cracked the Da Vinci Code. Ridiculous.

“You’re ridiculous, Kim Seungmin.”

Felix intervened, lazily karate-chopping his arm into the table. Thanks to him, he saved you from making a fool of yourself. “What about me? Didn’t you know anything different about me today?” He slurred.

“You’re drunk,” Seungmin pointed out the obvious.

“No, not yet. I got a new bomber, duh. Go ahead, touch it,” Felix suggested. He grabbed Seungmin’s hand, hovering it over his jacket. Then, Felix made him caress the smooth material.

Both you and Chan burst out laughing. Then, you both turned to look at each other. When your laughter died down, you glanced at his plump lips and looked away with a sigh on yours.

Why did you go out of your own way to put on makeup and wear your silver drop earrings? The top was a gift from one of your girlfriends. It’s been sitting in your closet for ages, but still, it was something different.

The guys began to plan for the winter break agenda and Chan joined in on the conversation. He remembered the video call between you and him. It was around the time of his birthday when he unboxed the mystery One Piece figures you sent to him... Did you ever find somebody?

For a moment, there was this unsettling feeling growing inside of his chest. Yeah, why did she look differently today, is what he thought. You were never ‘ugly’ in his opinion, you were just Y/N. Whatever you choose to do shouldn't matter, so Chan did what anyone would do: He brushed it off.

Chan glanced over, feeling a little taken aback when you laughed at something Minho said about Hyunjin. Whenever he was surprised, his eyebrows did this thing where they would cutely knot upwards and his eyes would light up. But this time, it was different. Yes, he was surprised but the expression on his face grew soft immediately after you made eye contact with him.

You raised the glass of your favorite cocktail to your lips, nodding in excitement when Jisung ‘secretly’ whipped out his phone and began recording Hyunjin. Then, you broke into a playful grin while biting into the black stirring straw before sipping your drink. Yeah, he thought you were really attractive right now.

For some reason, Bang Chan felt like his body was engulfed by flames.

You raised a brow, offering him to try your drink with a smile. Chan blinked back, totally aware he was staring at you. Luckily, you weren’t and thought he was curious about your drink.

Turning down your offer, he decided to lay off on the drinking for the rest of this round. It was the alcohol causing him to feel this way, or that’s what he thought.

If not, this was going to be a big problem.

↫ iii ↬ barhopping pt.iii ↫

“Last but not least, we are going to get hammered with soju and meat,” Jisung cupped Changbin’s cheeks, then, patting them like how Asian grandmothers would select the perfect watermelons.

Before Changbin could place him into a chokehold, Jisung clumsily ran into the restaurant to request for seats. He almost ran into one of the patio heaters in the process. “Come back, you fucking squirrel!” Changbin waved his fist in the air like an old man.

He adopts a sailors’ mouth when he drinks lol.

Hyunjin had an arm draped over Woojin’s shoulders. He’s already sobered up by now. “Let’s make sure he gets hammered tonight,” he said, then, pointed a finger at you, “And Y/N.”

“I say we should go for it,” Woojin supported his friend.

Your eyes widened. “What did I do?”

“He’s still salty you sent recordings to his girlfriend,” Jeongin teased Hyunjin, his eyes effortlessly creasing into the cutest eye smile. He reminded you of a baby fox.

“I didn’t, it was Jisung. Recordings were sent from his phone,” You shrugged and stuck your tongue out when Hyunjin mimicked you.

Jisung peeked at everyone from the restaurant door and caught Seungmin’s attention first, signaling him to bring everyone inside. Seungmin said, “Let’s go, seats are ready.”

“I already picked out the meats. Now, the hardest part is choosing the soju flavor,” Jisung looked at the drinks menu with heart eyes.

Changbin took the menu from Jisung’s hands, cockily skimming through it. “Leave it to me, I know what we should stay away from.”

When the waiter came by, Changbin ended up ordering two large yogurts, two fruit-flavored, and two original soju. Seven drinks. Everyone looked at him with their jaws dropped. “You’re actually insane,” Felix said even though he was at a loss of words.

“The frat boy mentality has sprung onto him. It’s too late, we can’t save him,” Chan cried, covering his warm face, dramatically tugging it downwards with both hands.

You sighed and lay your head onto Chan’s shoulder. You were still buzzed, but it was going to be a long night. Earlier, he put his jean jacket over your shoulders when some guy walked by and gave you a whistle. You were very uncomfortable from receiving the unwanted attention coming from a sleazebag and hid behind Chan’s broad frame.

You were getting tired but still wanted to have fun. Chan’s shoulder was a muscular pillow. Your eyes glanced at the sleeve of his black T-shirt. Then, your eyes trailed down to his arm veins, his hand, and the ring on his pinky finger. It was your gift to him for his birthday this year. There was this strong urge to place your hand on top of his and flip it over so that the palm of his hand would be open for you to entwine your fingers in.

Fuck, why is he so hot?

You didn’t actually do it though, you could not bring yourself to. When you tilted your head upwards, Chan was laughing at Woojin’s disaster story about his most recent blind date. He must’ve felt your gaze on him so he stopped paying attention to the story. Chan laid his eyes on you while you blinked back in surprise with a tinge of pink on your cheeks. His eyes held your gaze momentarily before trailing down to your lips, and so did you.

You were both waiting for something to happen. The tension-

“Drinks and meat are here,” Minho excitedly cleared the table for the waiter.

Both you and Chan looked away from each other at the same time. You instantly removed your head from his shoulder, and he cleared his throat. You were both left feeling embarrassed, however, Chan also felt nervous. You, on the other hand, felt a heavyweight on top of your chest.

For this last round of bar hopping, you both avoided any sort of eye contact or slight skinship with one another. It was too risky, making a nervous wreck out of both you and Chan.

“Let’s play Truth or Drink mixed with Never Have I Ever,” Changbin said, pouring a drink into everybody’s shot glass, filling it to the brim.

Minho scoffed but enjoyed the idea, “You’re just asking for everyone to drink.”

“That’s the point.”

“Never have I ever almost joined a cult back in high school,” Jisung tsked over to his friend, snickering when Hyunjin and Jeongin downed the shot in one go.

Hyunjin went next and glared at Jisung, “Never have I ever lived in Malaysia during my childhood.”

Jisung narrowed his eyes at Hyunjin, chewing on a piece of meat after drinking his shot. “Playing like that, I see.”

“Well, you started it.”

“No, you.”

“You.”

Chan interrupted their bickering, and said, “Moving on, never have I ever… Cheated on an exam.” Everyone groaned, drinking except for him, Seungmin, and Hyunjin. Then, it was your turn.

“Er… Never have I ever blacked out from drinking,” you peeked around, raising your glass to everyone. Changbin, Woojin, Chan, Jisung, Hyunjin, and Felix all clinked their glasses together.

“Alcoholics,” Minho shook his head, eyeing each person with false disappointment written on his face.

“Shut the fuck up, you have no right. You’re the goddamn instigator,” Jisung kicked Minho’s foot under the table.

“Stop playing footsies with me.”

“Oh, I can stop whenever I want to.”

“Can I go now?” Seungmin stuck a piece of rib finger into Jisung’s mouth. Everyone gave him the go, so he suggested, “Let’s do Truth or Drink this round, and the question applies to everyone. If you were a serial killer in a movie, who would you kill first? On the count of three, point your finger to the person. 3! 2! 1!”

“Wow.” And it wasn’t hard to guess who it was.

The rest of the night went by like that, playing more rounds of Never Have I Ever and Truth or Drink. More than half of the group was drunk and Hyunjin had his head down. He already knocked out and was drooling. You were drunk too but waited for Felix to take his turn.

Propping your chin in the palm of your right hand, you felt your eyelids become heavier the longer Felix took to ask his question. Finally, he asked everyone, “What are you the most grateful for?”

“I’m the most grateful for my cats,” Minho brought up his fingers and began to list each cat, “Soonie, Doongie, and Dori. Sometimes, I get hissed at but I still love them all.”

It was Chan’s turn. “Mmm,” he thought, “I’d say, my parents, because if they never gifted me with music, I wouldn’t be CB97 right now.”

“And there wouldn’t be SPEARmint and your one and only,” Jisung sluggishly pointed to himself, groaning, “J.One.”

“It’s SPEARB,” Changbin whined, hugging Jisung.

Chan was beginning to sober up and sipped on his half-full glass of water. Getting sentimental and smiling over to his rap unit members, his ears perked up when it was your turn. You had your head and arms sprawled across the table, earning a laugh from Minho when you palmed your forehead with a disgruntled look on your face. Your head hurt, but you continued, “I am grateful for a lot of things. My dog, meeting my ultimate bias, and having you guys in my life.”

“That’s so generic, be more specific,” Minho teased.

“Lix, I’m grateful for Felix. If my dad never met his dad in their twenties, I would’ve never grown up with Lix. My dad wouldn’t have almost accidentally run over him that one time when he was running away from Rachel.”

“Huh, I remembered that day. Rachel got so mad at me for reading her diary. I mean, she did leave it on the couch,” Felix reminisced, chuckling at the memory from long ago.

Seungmin raised an eyebrow, a little confused with what you shared. “Shouldn’t you be grateful for your dad meeting Felix’s dad? And not Felix?”

“Sure, but it’s Felix I am most grateful for. Because without him, I would’ve never met everyone else… and Chan,” you patted Felix’s bomber with your eyes closed and expected him to feel touched by your words.

“Why say it like that? What differentiates Chan from everyone else?” Jeongin asked with a small pout on his lips. Chan wanted to know as well. He didn’t know why you paused a little before saying his name. Was he special to you in any way?

Yeah. What differentiates Chan from everyone else?

“Stop asking me, and let’s move on to Felix. It hurts to think,” you complained.

↫ iv ↬

“Oi bro, today was fun. But I’m fucking wasted,” Felix burped. He leaned his head against the door frame while intensely staring at the door handle. Concentration was key, literally. Felix needed to press the correct keys or else you, him, and Chan would be sleeping in the front yard tonight. Nobody was home.

“You good there, buddy?” Chan asked with a concerned tone.

Felix entered the correct code and the numbers on the keypad lit up blue, making him internally jumping with happiness. “Ohh hell yeah. Uh-”

Then, he pushed through the door, startling Chan as he ran through the living room and into the kitchen to hurl into the nearest trash can. Chan quickly went after Felix while still carrying you on his back. “Bro,” he cringed at the loose chunks in the trash can and rubbed Felix’s back, “Keep throwing up, it’ll definitely make you feel better. I’m gonna get you some water. Just let me take Y/N upstairs.”

Felix waved Chan off and said he’d be fine. He was going to go straight to his room afterward, change into his pajamas, and chug the huge hydro flask by his bed. It seems like Felix planned for this to happen, so Chan didn’t have to worry much.

Chan carried you upstairs to the guest room and carefully unwrapped your arms from his neck when he sat on the bed. When he let go, you hit the back of your head against the headboard and whined in pain. “Oh fuck, I’m so sorry,” he whispered.

“Ugh, how long have I been out for,” you said, clutching onto the back of your head.

Chan shrugged, turning around to look at you. “Just the ride back home.”

“I’m not looking forward to a hangover tomorrow.”

You expected Chan to respond but there was no reply. When you peeked one eye open, he was gone. You sighed, rolling to your side to face the window. Why did you feel so puzzled all of a sudden?

“Are you asleep?” A voice whispered from the end of the bed.

It was Chan and he had a tall glass of water in his hands. You sat up, thanking him as you took the glass and greedily drank from it. When you finished, you placed it onto the nightstand before laying on your back again.

“Am I different?” Chan suddenly asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Like, am I different from the others?”

You lightly shoved his arm with your foot. “Other guys? Yeah, you’re CB97.”

He shook his head. It wasn’t the answer he wanted. “No, actually, never mind,” he said, changing his mind.

You frowned and sat up. Then, you nudged his arm, bugging him to tell you, “What is it? Tell me, Bang Chan.”

When you whined, even more, he softly chuckled, facing you with a smile. The only source of light came from outside’s yard lamp through the window slits. You held in a breath when he leaned in.

“Goodnight, Y/N.”

↫ v ↬

“Y/N, why are we doing this? You know I can’t bake.”

Felix frowned at the baking instructions displayed on his phone. He was having a hard time converting grams to ounces because the mixer was too disruptive. It was annoyingly loud. For the love of god, he spilled some powdered sugar onto the counter.

“I need help, Lix. It’s hard to make macarons by myself,” you huffed, blowing a strand of your bangs out of the way.

“What’s in it for me? I could be sleeping in right now,” Felix scoffed but went to the cupboard to grab sugar, salt, and almond flour.

“You get to spend quality time with me for free. Also, you can eat delicious strawberry macarons. They’re your favorite.”

He shook his head, “No, they’re Chan’s favorite. I already knew your intentions the moment you asked to come over. And, I like banana flavored.”

“What’s with you and banana?”

“Don’t you just love the way it’s pronounced? Banana,” he smiled, thinking about bananas.

Handing Felix the electric mixer, you bossed him around, enjoying every moment of it, “No, now beat the eggs with the mixer until it becomes stiff peaks,”

“Y/N, If you like Chan, it’s okay to admit it. I won’t judge you,” he said, cracking a couple eggs into a large bowl, then scooped the yolks into a smaller bowl, “But I’ll make fun of you.”

You paused whatever you were doing to ask, “Why’d you say that out of the blue? That’s odd.”

“Look,” he paused, “When have you ever went out of your way to gift homemade cookies for someone? This is cute child’s play Y/N.”

“Never. But everyone is getting a share of this batch, so I don’t know why you’re quick to assume,” you nervously shrugged. Why were you nervous? There was no reason.

“But who were you thinking of surprising when you bought the ingredients?”

You eyed the egg whites sliding off the cracked eggshells in his hand as they slowly dripped into the mixing bowl. Cringing at his sloppiness, you told him to start mixing and less talking. “Why would I like him, it’d never work out between us,” you muttered under your breath.

“Just don’t complain to me when he comes back with a girlfriend from his study abroad program,” Felix annoyingly sang, hitting the power button on the electric mixer. You felt something inside of you sort of snap.

“What?” You asked.

“You’re not the only girl he’s friends with. You know that right?”

“Yeah, of course,” you said, trying to hide your disappointment. You were no special exception and it somehow made you feel more hopeless. Felix knew his words must’ve triggered something so he decided to tone it down.

“As your best friend, I know when you’re into someone. This time, it’s different. You may not think you’ve liked Chan for a long time, but trust me, I know,” Felix turned down the mixer to add some sugar with the whipped egg whites, “No matter how many guys you’ve liked in the past, you’d always set them aside for Chan. You don’t do things like having late-night phone calls, binge-watching One Piece, or bake fancy cookies for anyone else. Only Chan. Admit it before I knock some sense into you, idiot. You have a soft spot for him.”

“I do not…” You said in denial, but who were you trying to convince?

“Whatever,” Felix gave up and rolled his eyes. He adjusted the speed of the electric mixer, adding the rest of the sugar into the whipped egg whites.

When Felix finished whipping the egg whites, they became stiff peaks. He removed the mixer from the bowl, distracted by the mixture’s consistency and unwillingness to budge. “Hey, Y/N,” he tapped your shoulder before holding the bowl of stiff peaks upside down above his head, “Check this out.”

“YONGBOK WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” You screamed his Korean name, hoping the mix wouldn’t fall onto his head and get on the floor.

“Look, it’s not falling hehehe,” Felix laughed, remembering how he saw something like this in a Tasty video.

You grabbed Felix’s shoulders in hopes of him putting the bowl down but then he placed it over your head and laughed. “Oh my god, if it gets in my hair, I’m gonna kill you,” you vigorously shook him.

Felix laughed and put you in a headlock, threatening to coat your face in stiff peaks. “You started it by calling me Yongbok.”

“Yongbok, Yongbokie, LEE YONGBOK,” you giggled when he locked you in tighter. His soft hoodie tickled your neck and you were scared of getting smeared with the cookie mixture.

“What are you guys doing?”

Felix dropped his arm to his side and placed the mixing bowl onto the counter. You stood up, fixing your now messy ponytail and awkwardly coughed.

Chan stood by the kitchen entrance with his arms crossed, looking somewhat displeased. You looked anywhere else but him. When you finally made eye contact with Chan, he quickly avoided it and cleared his throat. “I just came to say goodbye,” he said.

“But isn’t your flight at 5?” Felix glanced at his oven’s built-in clock, “It’s not even noon yet and you’re already leaving?”

“My parents want to have lunch with me before dropping me off at the airport. They invited my grandparents and other relatives, so it’s going to take a while.”

“Do the rest know?”

Chan nodded, “Yeah, I’m going to head back to grab my luggage after lunch, but I messaged them earlier and came to say goodbye just in case.”

Felix walked over to Chan and gave him the tightest bear hug, “Take care and stay safe. I’ll see you in a few weeks?”

“Yeah, and take care as well,” Chan smiled.

“For sure.”

When their hug was over, Felix said he needed to grab a charger from upstairs because his phone was about to die. You didn’t want to be alone with Chan because you were afraid of acting weird around him, then no one could save you. “What are you two making?” Chan nodded at the mess in the kitchen.

You shyly smiled, “Uh… Cookies? Hey Chan, are you going to stop by here again after your family lunch?”

“Maybe not, I’m not sure. I’ll call you if I do.”

“Hmmm, okay,” you nodded awkwardly, “I guess I’ll see you in a few weeks too.”

“Yeah, I’ll be back before you know it,” Chan smiled and began teasing, “Better not be a crybaby once I leave.”

You slapped his arm, “It won’t happen again, just let it gooo.”

“Hmm, nooo,” he laughed.

When Chan’s laughter died down, he stared at you with a small sigh. You were acting a little different today and he kind of had an idea as to why. He thought you sensed something unusual about his behavior, making you feel awkward towards him. He just wanted to board the plane right now and get his thoughts settled.

Chan wanted you to give him a hug like always but you refrained from doing so. By the time Felix came back down with his charger, he sensed the weird atmosphere and mouthed to you, ‘What did you do?’

You narrowed your eyes at him and Chan’s phone rang at the same time. It was Lucas on the other line, asking when his brother would be home since their grandparents would be arriving soon. Chan took that as a cue to be on his way, leaving you in the kitchen as Felix walked him out of the front door.

Felix came into the kitchen confused, “What happened when I was gone?”

“Nothing, we were just talking.”

“Do you think we’re going to finish baking these macarons by the time he leaves to the airport?” Felix scratched his head.

“I hope so,” you sighed. If you worked efficiently enough, it’s possible to finish on time.

Chan quietly sat in the back seat of the minivan with his younger siblings on the way back from the restaurant. He’d usually bug Hannah about her recent boy crushes or watch Lucas play Monster Hunter on his 3DS. This time, he stared out the window with his EarPods in. A lot was on his mind.

Chan felt sort of jealous, then stupid, then fine again. It was a cycle on his way back to the house. He knew Felix didn’t have any romantic feelings for you, but the tinge of jealousy would not leave his system. Chan let himself into the house when Felix had just finished mixing whatever. He was curious as to why Felix was up so early since his best friend tends to sleep in till noon during breaks.

When Chan heard your voice, his ears perked up like a dog. He felt excited to see you and walked into the kitchen, hoping to surprise you. Instead, Chan himself was surprised when he found Felix holding you in a headlock. You were laughing and squirming in Felix’s hold, making Chan wish he didn’t see that.

Not once have you laughed like that with Chan since he came back to visit. Chan thought you developed a crush on Felix but haven’t told him. But how could you not? You always tell Chan everything. He didn’t care if you liked someone… So what?

When they arrived home, Chan’s father pulled into the driveway. Everyone went inside to rest for a little while before sending him off to the airport. Chan still needed to go upstairs, so he could grab his things and load them into the trunk. After carrying his luggage downstairs and to the minivan, Chan popped open the trunk, halfway loading his things but stopped when his phone went off.

He picked up the call with his earphones, unaware of the person calling, “Hello?”

“H-have you left to the airport yet? Or are you still at home?” You said, heavily panting on the other line of the call.

“Y/N?” Chan asked surprised, “I’m still at home. I just got back.” He waited for you to answer but you had already hung up. “Hello? Y/N?”

“Chan!” You ran up to him, exhausted and a little sweaty. Then, you placed a hand on your waist to keep yourself up as you slowly regain your breath.

“Did you run here?”

“Yes.”

“What? Why?”

You stuck your hand into the inside of your denim jacket and fished out a decent packaged goodie bag. “I didn’t want you to leave empty-handed, so I made you these.”

You never fail to catch Chan off guard these days. He slowly unraveled the bag as if it were a delicate rose, and peeked inside to see a couple of pink macarons. Although several of them were cracked because Felix opened the oven midway into baking, causing them to deflate, there were some good ones.

“Is this what you were baking with Lix?” Chan asked. When you nodded, a smile couldn’t help but form on his lips.

“Yeah, sorry if I didn’t ask you to stay or say much. I wanted it to be a surprise,” you shyly glanced around him, hoping he’d try one of the cracked cookie sandwiches.

“Huh, I would’ve never guessed,” Chan laughed. As dumb as it sounds, he felt better knowing you were thinking of him.

You peeked into his goodie bag, “Are you going to try one?”

“Yeah, here,” he handed you one before taking a bite of his own.

You thought it was cute when Chan slowly chewed on the cookie. His eyes formed into crescents once he recognized the flavor. After finishing one macaron, he wrapped the bag, closing it and stuffed it into his pocket, “I’m saving these for when I wait to board the plane.”

“Here, eat mine,” you offered the uneaten macaron in your hand.

“You don’t like strawberries?”

“No, I do. But I know you like them more, so here,” you brought the miniature sandwich to his lips, smiling when he opened his mouth.

“Fanks, tho good,” Chan said with a mouthful.

“Ew, chew with your mouth closed.”

“Hmmm,” he swallowed the last of the macaron, “I said they’re really good, and thank you.”

Sighing in relief, you said, “Of course, I’m glad they come out burnt.”

“They came out kinda ugly though.”

You hit Chan’s bicep. “Then don’t eat them,” you held your hand out, “Return them.”

Chan laughed but reached into his pocket. Instead of handing the cookies back, he grabbed your hand and pulled you in for a hug. As his arms wrapped around your shoulders, he hugged tighter. You uncontrollably smiled, returning his hug and laughed at his sly move. Chan notices how he loves it when he’s this close to you. It makes him feel good to be around you.

He likes to do this thing where he rocks you back and forth in his arms. You remembered the first time he did it was when you were juniors in high school. You embarrassed yourself in front of a guy you liked at the time and felt down for the whole day. It wasn’t until after school where you were forced to tag along with Felix and Chan to eat pizza which made you feel better. Although you weren’t by the time you met up with them, both caught the sight of your glossy eyes.

Felix said he had to head back early because he needed to study for a bio test, but you and Chan both knew he would end up playing video games instead. Chan bought you a smoothie and walked you home since it was on the way to his. Before he let you go, he gave you a bear crushing hug, rocking you back and forth while telling you to cheer up and stop being a crybaby. His way of cheering you up always made you laugh and feel warm inside.

Chan was your big, swol teddy bear.

Fuck it, you liked him... It didn’t matter. You will deal with it later.

“Did you really think I’d give them back?” He playfully teased.

“If you did, I will never make you anything ever again. Ungrateful jerk,” you huffed, pretending to be angry.

“Nah, I’d never,” he said softly.

“When are you leaving?” You said, your voice a little muffled from being too close against his jacket.

“Pretty soon. We’re just waiting for my dad to get off his food coma.”

“Ohh okay.”

Still hugging you, Chan felt like he really needed to say it. You already know though and it wouldn’t change anything, but a strange feeling of realization hit him. As cheesy as it sounds, he wanted to give you a light kiss on your forehead. Wow, he likes you and he is finally sure of his feelings.

“Don’t worry, I’m gonna miss you,” Chan took a deep breath, “I always do, so don’t be a crybaby when I leave.”

↫ vi ↬

Chan rushed back to his dorm, feeling a surge of inspiration out of nowhere. It was a pain to sit through the last half of class when he was so eager to leave. He was excited to hop on his keyboard to work on a mix.

Once he stepped into his room, he dumped his backpack onto the floor and stripped off his hoodie, tossing it onto the bed. Then, he pulled out the keyboard pad from his desk and began to set up his laptop and headphones.

It was perfect.

Chan was afraid he’d lose the beat or lyrics that came to his mind earlier, but he got it down pretty quick. Now, the hard part. He had to find a way for it to flow smoothly together. He hummed, his head bobbing to the new beat, but something was still lacking.

“Maybe if I move this here, the transitioning would be a lot better,” Chan clicked on his mouse and dragged one of the clips, inserting it into the mix. When he replayed the sound, he smiled in content.

CB97’s back, baby.

Just when he felt like he could add in another element, an incoming call interrupted his train of thought. It was from you.

He picked up the call and swiped into the clock app to check the time zone in Sydney. His eyes widened, why were you calling him 12:30 in the morning? Did something happen?

“Hello? Y/N?” Chan said to the other line.

“I’m bored,” you said.

He laughed. “Why are you calling me? Are you by yourself?”

“No,” you replied, shaking your head, “I’m with Lix, Hyunjin, Jisung, and Changbin. Eww, Lix just threw up in the bushes.”

Chan cringed at the sound of his best friend hurling on the other line. It reminded him of the last time he went bar hopping with you and everyone. Now that Chan knew you were drinking, it was obvious you were drunk too.

“Why’d you call?”

“I don’t know.”

He raised an eyebrow, “What do you mean you don’t know?”

“I don’t know… Hyunjin started calling his girlfriend midway through finishing his drink. Then Changbin called his to confess how much he likes her. And don’t get me started on Jisung,” you tiredly watched Jisung rub soothing circles on Felix’s back.

“What about Jisung?” Chan chuckled, urging you to continue.

“He FaceTimed his girlfriend and said he loves her and misses her even though he knows she’s going to kick his ass for getting drunk,” you sighed.

“Then what?”

“Felix didn’t have anyone to call. He only searched up Momo on google images and angrily pointed at Heechul to treat her right or else he would fly to Korea to square up,” you laughed, starting to feel a little sick too.

“What about you? Did you have anyone to call?” Chan removed himself from his desk and plopped onto his bed.

“No, only you. There’s no one else to call, I don’t like anyone else,” you said truthfully.

“Wow, so I was your last resort,” he joked.

You felt liquid courage giving you a booster. Shaking your head, you sighed deeply as you watched Felix cough up the last of his partially digested pizza. “Never, I like you too much. I didn’t call anyone else because you’re the only one I want to talk to. So, no. Not my last resort, more like my automatic first choice,” you confessed.

“Sure.”

“No, I mean it. I love you so much. I just want to hug you all day long. You have no idea how much I miss you,” you whined.

Chan’s smile faltered and his heart began to race. There’s no way you meant that, did you?

“How much did you drink?”

“Enough to feel like throwing up but not enough to actually throw up,” you groaned at the unsettling feeling in your stomach.

“Will you remember what you just said to me when you wake up tomorrow?”

“Of course. I always remember! Remember, you said I would someday drunk call somebody. Well, you were right,” you giggled.

Boy, he hoped so. Chan was shaken but couldn’t do much because you were intoxicated. If you did like him, he wanted you to confess when you’re actually sober. That way, Chan would know you were being serious.

“Who’s not wasted? Can you hand them your phone?” Chan rolled in his bed while anxiously waiting.

“Hello?” A familiar raspy voice asked.

“Hey Bin, is everyone sleeping over at someone’s house tonight?”

“Oh, hey,” Changbin said tiredly, “Yeah, we’re going to head back to Felix’s soon. Just haven’t called an Uber yet because Y/N’s been on the phone. Everyone’s phones pretty much died.”

“That’s good,” Chan mumbled to himself, “Can you do me a favor and take care of Y/N for me? Just make sure she gets into a bed and drinks a glass of water before she sleeps. She’ll be fine by the time you guys get to the house since she sobers pretty fast.”

“Honestly, you should be here. She’s been talking about you all night long, but it’s Gucci. I’m gonna take care of everyone,” Changbin nonchalantly shrugged. It was no biggie to him.

“Just keep an eye out for her and everyone else,” Chan sighed.

Changbin nodded, “Yessir. I am going to order an Uber now, I’ll talk to you later. Oh shit, Y/N just threw up.”

“What? Wait-“

Although Chan’s heart was still pounding, he figured to leave it until tomorrow when you sobered up. He couldn’t stop rolling in his bed and suddenly felt more homesick. He didn’t know whether or not he should call you first thing tomorrow after his brunch with a classmate. Or maybe he should wait for you to say something?

Either way, you drove him nuts. Both good and bad.

The next morning, you stormed downstairs to look for the person who made you go out last night. He slept on the couch, snoring lightly and draped an arm over his eyes.

“I hate you, I hate you, I hate you,” you angrily tossed one of the couch pillows at a hungover Felix.

Felix tiredly rubbed his eyes. You woke him up and he palmed every spot on the couch for his phone. “What now?” He asked.

“I should’ve never gone with you guys. I’m screwed,” you said in distress.

“You’re so LOUD, I’m TRYNA SLEEP Y/N,” Jisung crankily got up from the couch and walked into Felix’s room to join Changbin under the covers.

“What did I do?” Felix asked again.

“I should have never gone drinking last night. I fucked up everything, I can’t bear to see Chan or even talk to him again,” you said, pacing back and forth in front of the TV.

Felix laughed, “Did you drunk call him and confess?”

“I think so, something along the lines of that,” you tried to remember your exact words but brain fart.

“Oh shit,” he chuckled.

“It’s not funny,” you began tearing up, “I messed up everything. It won’t be the same anymore. I don’t want Chan to avoid and stop talking to me because of these stupid feelings.”

Alarmed with your glossy eyes, Felix jumped from the couch even though he still felt nauseous from last night. He patted your back, holding in a laugh when you blinked away some tears. You reminded him of Jeongin. “Y/N, you’re worrying over nothing. Chan’s not going to do that to you, trust me. You know, confessions don’t mean much when you’re drunk.”

Sniffling, you asked him, “What do you mean they don’t mean much when you’re drunk? There’s truth to those words.”

“Being intoxicated makes you say a lot of things you would not choose to say if you were sober. One time, I even said Changbin’s arms were hot. Can you believe that?” He scoffed.

“Yeah, I mean, they’re pretty thick.”

Felix rolled his eyes, “The point is, confessions are meaningful when you’re sober. There’s something about being fully aware of your words and having the courage to say it without having to rely on liquid courage. Your confession was most likely taken lightly. You were just letting a friend know you miss him, like a lot, but that’s it.”

“So everything will be okay?”

“Yes, so stop worrying.”

↫ vii ↬

But everything wasn’t okay.

Chan kicked off his shoes and fell into bed right after his last final. It’s been almost two weeks since he last talked to you (you drunk calling him in the middle of the day), and he felt stuck. When he sent you messages and memes, you wouldn’t respond or would leave him on read. Sometimes, it’d be a miracle if you gave him short responses. Even then, the atmosphere was off and he didn’t know how to keep initiating without the conversation being cut short.

On days like this, it’d be perfect to compose something, anything. However, Chan kept deleting newly recorded beats, dissatisfied with its quality and flow. He gave up and quit all his open programs.

Without thinking about the different time zones, Chan went on Discord. His cursor hovered over your icon before he clicked on it. It’s now or never, he thought. Chan felt his heart pounding over a simple video call. He didn’t even know if you were going to answer. It’s better to not get his hopes up.

When the server rang, he anxiously clicked open some tabs to respond to Felix and check Facebook.

“Hello?” You asked, dreading the moment he called you.

“Y/N?” Chan asked, surprised you answered. He stared at the monitor, taking in the image of you working on something in your notebook.

“Hey,” you sighed.

Chan’s brows furrowed. He grew concerned at the time of your voice. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I’m just tired. You know, the same thing always happening at school and work,” you lied, avoiding his stare. His gaze was still piercing through a screen.

“Doesn’t seem like it. You usually talk about school and work, but you haven’t been doing so lately. Let alone at all,” Chan sadly stared at the screen as you pretended to be writing something important down.

“Sorry, I’ve been pretty stressed lately. I haven’t had the time to talk or call,” you apologized, feeding him another lie. Oh, but he knew you were avoiding him.

“You should’ve sent me a message or called me at least. It’s better to talk about it, Y/N. Keeping worries to yourself only make matters worse.”

“I’ll try to.”

Fed up with the tension, Chan frustratedly combed his hair with his fingers, “Cut the bullshit Y/N. I know you’ve been ignoring me. If it’s about that night you drunk called me, I’ll drop it. I know you don’t do homework at this time, especially on a Friday night.”

You dropped your pencil and stayed silent. Chan could only do so much on a screen. He stared at you, waiting for you to respond. It was dead silent because you could hear his hallmates talking in a foreign language as they passed by his door.

“Are you really not going to say anything?”

Finally looking up, you wiped off the tears that fell down to your cheeks, sighing. Chan sat up in his chair, worried he messed up. He thought you were going to end the call but held in a breath when you said, “What am I supposed to say? That, I’m sorry for having feelings for you? You say you can easily drop it, but I can’t.”

Chan let his hand cover his mouth, trying to hide his troubled expression. “Who said it was easy to drop it?”

“It’s not, but I screwed up… You’re aware of my feelings towards you. I can still remember that night’s conversation, and I know you do as well,” you covered your face, you didn’t want him to see you crying and looking like Rudolph, “It’s just going to be awkward for us the next time we’ll see each other. Everyone will sense it too. You’ll end up avoiding me.”

“Why do you say that? How can I avoid you? I’ve known you for years. That’s the least of your worries,” Chan said, frowning at your reasoning. He was utterly baffled.

You slammed your palms onto the desk. “How is that the least of my worries? I like you more than a friend would, Chan. I have feelings for you, but I feel like I’m on the verge of losing one of the closest people in my life, you.”

You were both practically raising your voices on each other.

He frustratedly started off strong, “What if you said those words to me when you were drunk but don’t actually mean it when you’re sober,” but finished in a small voice, “Then what?”

“But that didn’t happen, so there’s no point in bringing up another possibility,” you softly said.

“So what? Are you going to take back what you said? Because you can’t.”

Your heart dropped, and you wanted to bawl. “W-what?”

“I’m sorry,” he apologized and ended the call.

You shut off your laptop and sat in your chair crying. When you got into bed, you curled into a ball with a tissue box beside you. You felt horrible. Everything was a mess. After going through twenty-something tissues, the mini trash can by your desk was filled with snot balls and evaporated tears. Exhausted and too tired to cry anymore, your eyelids slowly dropped until a notification popped up on the screen of your phone.

It was a Surprise LIVE! from Monsta X.

You chucked your phone away and it fell off the bed and onto the wooden floor. As if you cared about watching them live right now. If your ultimate bias couldn’t cheer you up with his smile, nothing could.

You retrieved your phone to find a message from Chan. He only sent you a link directing you to Spotify playlist titled:

↫ viii ↬ “I’m back and you didn’t even come with Lix to the airport to come to get me? I’m so hurt,” Chan pretended to be offended. He placed a hand over his chest, feigning hurt as you laughed at his attempt to be petty. Afterward, he excused himself to change into a more comfortable outfit and muted you on Discord.

When Chan finally unmuted the call, you blew a raspberry and stuck your tongue out at the camera. “I couldn’t, I was out of town. I just got back an hour ago,” you yawned, stretching your arms into the air. Then you spun around in your chair, coming to a complete stop when you saw him wearing a new sweatshirt.

“I knowww,” Chan dragged, taking a seat in front of his monitor again, “I’m surprised I’m not that jet lag.”

“It’ll catch up to you, trust me,” you rolled your eyes at the memory of your own jet lag experience. It was horrible. “Is that new? The quality looks expensive, what’s it made of?” You asked about his sweatshirt.

Chan touched the black fabric, pinching it between his fingers to emphasize his next words, “You can say it’s… boyfriend material…” He shyly laughed when you palmed your face at his cheesy joke, but you were laughing too. “I’M JOKING, ENOUGH,” he smiled.

“Maybe you shouldn’t be wearing that, Chan,” you teased.

He looked down at his sweatshirt, searching for any flaws. “Why? Does it look ugly on me?”

“Nope,” you said, shaking your head, “You’re a fraud.”

“For what?”

“As much as you’re wearing something that’s boyfriend material, are you boyfriend material?” You teased him again as he could only smile back at you. He took your hint pretty well.

Chan pretended to shrug and spun in his chair. He briefly stared at the ceiling, thinking of what to say next. When Chan looked into the lens, he chuckled softly, “Can I? Or shall I?”

“Can you what?” You didn’t get it.

“Be your boyfriend.”

You blushed and fell silent. Chan wiggled his eyebrows, feeling like he won this time. It was your turn to get teased by him. He was about to say something but you beat him to it.

“Ask me again in person,” you looked away from the screen of your laptop to hide your warm cheeks.

“Can I? Or shall I?”

“What?”

“Come over now,” Chan eagerly suggested.

It was obvious that he was super excited and wanted to see you in person. He was like a kid on a sugar high.

“Can I? Or shall I?”

When his joke was being repeated by someone else other than him, you, he tilted his head in confusion. “What?” He asked.

“Can I? Or shall I? Be your girlfriend.”

Bang Chan didn’t even have to think twice. “Yes.”

“Well, come on and get over here then,” you laughed.

“Be there in fifteen.”

↫ ix ↬

“Wow, that movie is so good. It’s the best one I’ve seen all year long,” Chan gushed as you searched for places to grab a quick drink before going home.

You both had just finished watching Parasite, a movie about a lower class family benefiting from a wealthy family. From the trailers you’ve watched with Chan, you both thought it was going to be some kind of horror movie. However, the plot was totally unexpected and kept you on your toes.

Chan paid attention to the road but felt your eyes land on him. You smiled, adding on to what he was probably going to say next, “I’d say it deserves a ten out of ten from me.”

You navigated him to the nearest boba shop. To Chan’s luck, he found an open parking spot a few shops away from the place. When you got out of the car, the strong breeze hit your face, causing you to scrunch your nose. Chan noticed, so he put your hood on and tightly pulled onto the strings of your hoodie. You squealed, leaning away as he laughed.

As you kept walking, you were tired of having your hand brush against his. So, you took his hand into yours, slowly entwining your fingers with his while holding them up to show him. Chan covered his face because he found you so cute. He wanted to give you a hug.

“Can I see your wallet?” Chan asked.

You didn’t know why but you gave it to him anyway. You were fine with it since he’s already seen your cringy IDs since high school. “Why, what are you going to do with it?”

He ignored your question and approached the cashier, leaving you in the booth by yourself, asking, “Hi, can I get two roasted rice milk teas? Yeah, and with boba too.”

Then, Chan brought his phone out of his pocket, using Apple Pay as you stood there in disbelief. He walked back to the booth, taking your hand in his and returned your wallet. “Wow, you’re sly,” you slapped his hand away.

Chan chuckled, playing with the order number at his fingertips, “You can pay next time.”

“Oh, I will,” you stuck your tongue out.

Once your drinks were out, Chan drove you back to your place. You sat in the car with him, getting nervous when he turned off the engine. “Do you wanna… “ He threw in a suggestion.

You didn’t even let him finish. “W-wanna what?”

Chan held back a small laugh, “I was wondering,” and he paused, “If you wanted to take a stroll around the neighborhood before we call it a night.”

You wanted to repeatedly slap your forehead for having inappropriate thoughts in the first place. When you didn’t give Chan an answer, he threw in another suggestion. “Unless it’s too cold outside, we can go back to my place and hang out with Berry,” he shrugged.

Your eyes lit up at the mention of Berry. Your love for dogs was the same as it was for boba, and you excitedly nodded. Chan shook his head and rolled eyes his at your childlike reaction. He started his car again, reversing to give him some leeway and drove into the streets. His place wasn’t far from yours, it was only a five-minute drive and a fifteen-minute walk.

After parking his car into the driveway, you bolted out of your seat and waited for him to catch up to you at the door. Chan teased you for being more excited to see Berry instead of him. When you said, ‘Of course,’ he stopped in the middle of unlocking the door and raised an eyebrow.

Chan leaned in to whisper into your ear, “You can find your own ride back home, then.”

He bit his lip to prevent a smile from forming on his lips when you linked your arms with his, saying ‘sorry’ while begging him to drive you back home later. Of course, Chan was going to take you back. He wanted to make sure you were heading into your house safe and sound. When he finally unlocked the door, Berry woke up and shook herself before approaching the familiar scent of her owner. You heard small footsteps and the bell of her collar tinkling as she walked up to you and Chan.

He petted her head, giving it a quick scratch before kicking his shoes off. You crouched down to pet Berry while she heavily sniffed your ankles and socks. There was a dog scent coming from you because you have a dog back at home too.

Chan flipped on the lights and went to the kitchen to dump his empty drink into the motion sensor trash bin. When he walked into the living room, you had Berry laying flat on your chest and stomach. Her head pointed towards you and she cutely blinked, slowly beginning to fall asleep until Chan sat next to you.

She got up, edging herself between you two and laid on her stomach, waiting for Chan to give her a belly rub. As he rubbed her belly, you looked around the living room and noticed the house was quiet. “Where’s everybody?” You asked.

“Hannah’s at a sleepover and Lucas went with my parents to see a show. So I guess it’s just you and me.”

“Oh.”

“Wanna see what I’ve been working on?”

“Sure,” you nodded, feeling nervous again. Chan carried Berry back to her doggie bed by the fireplace, giving her one last pet before heading upstairs with you. When you walked into his room, you rolled your eyes at the giant monitors on his desk. Chan turned on his computer, satisfied with its smooth powering up, and typed in his password when the login appeared onto the screen.

Distracted by his light-up keyboard and mouse, you weren’t aware of him asking you to have a seat on his bed. Chan shook his head, handing you the mouse. “Go for it,” he offered you to change the color of his setup.

When you handed back the mouse, Chan searched for a folder titled: CB97 and clicked on a file that opened into an audio clip. He played it for you, a soft smile appearing on his lips when you bobbed to the beat. “Do you have a name for this song in the making?”

“I’m thinking of… Hoodie Season?”

“I like that title,” you fell onto the bed as he played more clips for you to hear. When your eyelids were slowly beginning to droop, both yours and Chan’s phone buzzed. It was a Snapchat notification from Hyunjin.

You reached into your butt pocket, whipping out your phone to take a look at whatever irrelevant thing Hyunjin would send to you at this time. When you opened his message, it was a recorded memory from a couple weeks back.

“Yo, I’m sick as fuuu-“ Felix hyped himself until he threw up into the nearest bush outside of the local bar. Thank god the snap ended before you could see anything coming out, but it was still fun to watch.

You giggled and pressed onto the next video.

“I miss you, I love you, and I know you’re going to kick my ass when you see me tomorrow,” Jisung whined to his girlfriend on the phone, “If you kick my ass, you will regret it. Then, you won’t have a nice ass to look at and touch anymore.”

Then the camera pointed at you. “You’re so gross,” you fake gagged and took out your own phone to dial your crush, “God, I miss Chan.”

Before you could finish watching the whole thing, you internally screamed inside your head and quickly skipped that part. “What was that?” Chan asked, plopping onto the bed to watch the video when he heard his name being said out loud.

You immediately chucked the screen away, facing it down onto the bed, “Nothing.”

“Doesn’t seem like nothing,” Chan said, trying to peer over your shoulder.

Shaking your head, you tried to roll away, but he wrapped an arm around your waist, reaching for your phone with his free hand. You pleaded for him to not look, and he did exactly the opposite.

Chan watched your drunk self confessing to him on the phone from that night. No matter how hard you’d try to wriggle out of his grasp and steal your phone back, he was too strong for you to do so. When the part where you handed your phone to Changbin came up, Hyunjin flipped the camera back to selfie mode to display his face.

Hyunjin drunkenly pointed his index finger at the camera, trying to prove a point. “And that’s how you get back at Jisung and Y/N.” Several moments later, his eyes widened, “OH My GOD, Y/N.”

You guessed the recording ended when you threw up. Not a good memory.

Your mouth went agape. Hyunjin did both you and Jisung dirty.

“I’m going to kill him,” you said, clenching your fist.

“And I’m going to screen record that from my phone,” Chan laughed, extending his arm to the desk for his phone until you pushed his shoulders back down. He landed onto the bed with a light thud, wrapping his arms around your waist again. Chan stared at your flushed cheeks, softly chuckling at your persistence to prevent him from watching your most embarrassing moment in life once more.

You glanced down to his lips, admiring his prominent cupid’s bow and held in a breath. Chan stared into your eyes, his eyes trailing down your nose, and then to your lips lovingly. Grinning like a fool, he was happy to have you as his and in his arms. Chan bit his lip, stopping the softest smile from spreading across his lips. He knew he failed to keep his cool. While his grip on your waist loosened, he brought a hand to your cheek, gently cupping it with his smooth palm.

Chan leaned in, a small smirk quirking at the corner of his lips when you nervously gulped. You didn’t even have time to think because his lips were suddenly on yours. Chan pressed on slowly, grabbing your thigh to hitch you closer to him. You fluttered your eyes shut, savoring the taste of his lips as he took control. Chan loved the feeling of having your hands run down from his shoulders and to his chest. He’s honestly the master of the teasing game, lightly nipping at your bottom lip and flicking his tongue at the entrance of your mouth. Before he could deepen the kiss, he flipped you over, so that you’d be lying under him instead. Chan didn’t know where the night would take him and you didn’t either.

But it is what it is, so he made sure to lock the door, just in case.

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