#this is not the same as people who genuinely cannot access therapy whether to an abusive situation or to actual lack of insurance

[adhbabey]

You should always be wary of people who swear off therapy and then minimize, attack and step over your own feelings and experiences, because they think they're above having therapy, or they've tried it for one day, or one week and didn't seek another professional's advice.

Because genuinely, my heart goes out to everyone whose tried therapy and it hasn't worked for them because of problems outside of their control. But for people who fight you on the fact that therapy never works, not for anyone, and that they're better off just reading psychology and theory, those are the people that you should criticize the most.

It is obvious to anyone in the disabled or neurodivergent or mentally ill community that plenty of professionals are fucking stupid or ignorant because they haven't researched enough or learned past a certain point in their lives and stopped helping their patients beyond what they took tests for. And those are the people who let down people the most when it comes to helping people. Those are the people you shouldn't trust with your time or money.

So what makes you think that reading a couple psychology books, probably the same old, traditional bullshit, that they taught to all those terrible doctors, will actually help with yours or anyone else's mental health issues. Everyone whose met an annoying psychology major knows. It's clear that trying to be intellectually superior than a literal patient in therapy, or someone actually living with the disabilities described in those books, isn't the brightest idea.

As someone whose tried and failed to DIY their own mental health journey, it is not easy nor recommended to go through this shit alone. You probably shouldn't, because its damn well easy to make your mental health worse, because it's so easy to fuck something up. Like accidentally or purposely triggering yourself, in order to get to the bottom to why you're feeling something. It's not fun.

So please, if you're having trouble finding therapy, there are community resources out there to help you deal with shit on your own, but don't go spouting stuff you don't actually understand. Don't go trusting strangers who say they have the answers to self help, and then twist around actual clinical terms to bring their point home, don't listen to those people. Don't listen to people who spitefully swear off therapy because they think they can handle it all by themselves. Just don't trust people who don't actually have a degree, and still criticize the ones that do. If some advice to you, seems off, or overblown or diminished, you should be questioning that advice. You should be getting a second opinion.

I make mental health and disabled content all the time on here because I want people to be informed, and to find community and resources to get the help that you need. But you can't pull therapy words out of your ass and expect people not to question you. Talk to the community and don't just go informing random strangers, if you don't know what you're talking about.

If you abuse your platform to misinform other ignorant people, you deserve to have your platform taken away. So treat the chance to educate people as a privilege, don't use it to spout bullshit that you don't understand. Therapy isn't a last resort, so don't listen to anyone that treats it that way.

#babey posts #this shit is a red fucking flag!! #i just tried arguing with someone about the way they were misusing clinical terminology #and then they decided to diminish and minimize and gaslight me #trying to say that i was neurotic crazy and projecting onto them #this is some emotionally abusive bullshit #don't trust strangers who give shit medical advice like that #especially with the 'hold yourself accountable by shaming yourself for having negative thoughts' #LIKE THAT'S SO WRONG!!!! STOP #i can say a million things that they were saying wrong #but posting therapy terms in a community that is not actually psychology was one of them #this is not the same as people who genuinely cannot access therapy whether to an abusive situation or to actual lack of insurance #these are the people who complain about issues that could be solved through therapy and say that therapy is stupid and doesn't work #sometimes therapy doesn't work for people!! but please try it. #if you have access to it. do it. #and if you don't have access to it. talk the community with the same disorders as you. #watch youtube videos and talk to other people and seek support there. #please please please don't spread the idea that other people need to shame themselves for their issues in order to improve #thats the opposite of improving. that is literally the opposite.

[mueritos]

I find it funny you post things about the wrong people becoming therapists yet you want to be a social worker and actively defend rapists and abusers 💀

CW: mentions of SA/cycles of abuse.

you must think you're really clever. the therapy industry has a huge amount of problems (like any other industry built on service to other humans, like the medical industry), and i think even the people who want to work within the therapy field (whether as a psychiatrist, a counselor, a therapist, a social worker, a sex therapist, etc) can still critique the many issues within it, mainly the racism, eurocentrinism, and the individualistic values that much of talk therapy promotes. I don't know where you got the second part of your statement, because not only is it widely inaccurate of what I was thinking of doing in social work, it also is just not a great idea to hold about people who work with people who do harm.

there are therapists/social workers who work exclusively with cops/law enforcement, and ethically those people CANNOT work with people who are victims of law enforcement or people who "break the law" (incarcerated folks). It just doesn't work, because if you work with both, it can create a conflict of interest. this is the same with people who work with victims of assault (SA or not). these therapists/etc who work with victims of assault/abuse CANNOT work with abusers. The same is vice versa, as in people who work with those who do serious harm cannot work with their victims.

I think your self righteousness is misplaced. You clearly have a lot of work to do in regards to removing your own feelings and judgement from the work that many therapists and social workers do. I don't know if you know this, but everyone (yes, even people who do serious harm) are deserving of basic human necessities, like oh i don't know. Housing, healthcare, or therapy. It is not my job as a future social worker to judge people, that is wickedly different from holding someone accountable. Judging is like sending someone to prison for 25 years, further removing them from the communities and resources that could generate accountability. Further, no one can hold anyone accountable unless said person consents to being held accountable. There are different procedures for whether they do or not. My job, as a future social worker, is to help people, because I believe all people deserve to ask for help and receive the help that they need.

Not sure if you know, but I'm against incarceration/punishment. I believe we hold punishment as the way to "teach people a lesson", but if you do not work with people and actively step in and disrupt cycles of trauma (housing crisis, hunger, substance abuse, interpersonal abuse, racism, ableism, etc), you will only find that people re-offend unless they are given the resources they need to be better. Yes, there are people who genuinely want to do harm, but harm does not exist in a vacuum, and if you are unwilling to acknowledge that, then I genuinely wish compassion to anyone who slips up around you and shows you that anyone is capable of any level of harm.

People who do serious harm are victims of the same cycle abuse as everyone else. You white knuckling your self righteous black and white morality is the reason why you cannot understand that even the worst kinds of people deserve the same access to care as victims of harm. You think that people who work with individuals who do harm as them defending them, when the reality is many of us with the brains built to do this kind of work want to stop this harm and correct abusive behavior. Unfortunately for you, people are capable of change. No one is asking you to like anyone or their actions (because I don't have to like the people I work with either, freak), but what people like me are asking you is to accept the fact that all people do harm, and when people are given the community and resources to, they can change for the better and recognize the serious harm they have caused.

Not everyone who goes into this work wants to aim their energy into the "socially acceptable" work. I think social justice morality and the sanitization of revolutionary politics has rotted our brains into believing that we must do and be the most "woke" person ever, channeling our energy into victims of harm. But what we fail to recognize through that is that some people would rather divest their energy into de-radicalization of fascists, or others want to put their energy into theory, others want to learn how to connect with the land and be sustainable, and others want to learn how to help others. And just like them, there are people who are willing enough to use their skills and compassion for conflict/resolution, accountability practices, and to help those who have harmed. Because, unfortunate for you, activists should NOT be juggling being the theorist, farmer, therapist, spiritualist, leader, mediator, protestor, rioter, etc and etc. Some people are simply built to put their energy into what they are good at. This doesn't mean that the farmer does not encourage the theorist to continue thinking and writing their theory. And I am sure the theorist, one who cannot farm and till, is grateful for the skills the farmer brings once dinner comes around.

it's funny really because I still am not sure about what I want my focus to be in social work, and for you to assume that I am "defending" abusers/rapists by thinking about working in extremely hostile, tense, and exhausting environments in the attempt to disrupt cycles of violence is me "defending" these individuals...it just reveals more about you than myself, anon. Many people already work with abusers/rapists (many of those therapists being victims of abuse/SA as well), so you may as well call the ones who are actually doing the work rn "defenders" of abuse. see how that bodes for you.

that's all I have to say.

#muertoresponds #hope that helped for anyone else to understand #for further context im an anarchist who is also an existentialist #and those two codes of living have greatly affected the way i think and interact with the world #if anyone else has any questions feel free to ask them #someone somewhere has to do the dirty work #you dont have to like it or like the people who do it #but there are spaces and communities where these people are needed and necessary to disrupt cycles of abuse #words r important as well so take my usage of the word harm as a general term for all systems and cycles of harm #but harm may not be abuse #as in that it is cyclical and intentional and pre-meditated cycles of abuse #like man i havent even started doing social work training or education yet and youre already on my ass #anyway if anyones interested my MSW intership is with immigrant children and families so no i am currently not working in restorative justi #but who knows i could be one day idk #anyway #thats all

[asublimehimbo]

okay okay okay thinking about this constantly now. Reagan’s trauma is so much like my own it’s really crazy. uhh big big big spoilers of inside job from the next paragraph onwards!!

one - reagan’s memory looks a lot like mine. presumably my dad didn’t literally get in my brain and delete memories (my paranoia is having a rave rn so who really knows but. not likely). but I have forgotten whole people before. someone’ll come up to me on the street, acting like we’re best buddies and I know I should know them. their face tickles my brain. their name starts with an E, maybe. but I couldn’t tell them who they are or why i know them or anything about them. i cannot properly explain how large and unsettling these lapses are.

the visual representation of reagan’s memory (which is absolutely genius imo) is a lot how i imagine mine to be: a mess of connections, a disorganized project of attached events. the scrapbook of a conspiracy theorist. i loved the way her repressed memories were treated. the flickery, dim lighting, the sludge that pulled her from one to the next no matter how hard she tried to stay where she was. That’s how it feels to be surfing through my brain, a lot of the time. my mother asks me when my next therapy session is and i close my eyes and plunge into the depths, bringing myself back to the appointment i last had, skating helplessly from the color of her shirt to my first grade teacher who told me i couldn’t draw, to the way that my only friend moved at the end of the year and gave me her phone number, to the guilt from being too scared to call her -- it goes on forever.

my own memories of my father are buried so deep i’m not sure i’ll ever get to them for real. everything i can access now feels strange, off-putting... like it’s been altered. like it’s not mine. i don’t have the tank and fluid and technology to go inside my head. all i can really do is therapy and hope. i don’t know why the dvd player instills otherworldly fear in me. i don’t remember something bad happening near it... then again, i don’t remember my own birthday or how tall i am, i don’t remember when i first learned how to craft a poem, i don’t remember i just don’t remember.

two - her dad’s misguided attempts to get her to love him. my dad did this a lot. maybe this is it’s own kind of abuse: not knowing how to love and doing it violently. he called me by the right name even when the rest of my family hadn’t adjusted yet. we loved the same book series, and we talked about it for hours. he played me his music. i liked some of it. i ache for the ability to tell him about a memoir i read that i know he would love. i’m not sure if any of that was genuine though, and like reagan, I’m not backing down. i’m never going to talk to him again if i can help it (if he doesn’t become the ceo of my shadow government, metaphorically). i believe some of it came from the place in him that wanted love, like i think rand’s abuse did. maybe this is abusive behavior in general -- treating you like shit, then treating you nice, and flipping back and forth. in my case, the shit part was ignoring and scapegoating me. i still feel evil sometimes because of what he did. reagan’s dream wasn’t to become ruler of the world... i can’t remember what it was, exactly. i waited a little too long to write this (2 hours is too long, apparently), and the details of the episode are already flickering away from me, getting fuzzy and burning up. my point is, she didn’t want to be the at best morally ambiguous person she is now. her dad admitted that he engineered her for this purpose. he did all he could to make sure he turned out the way she did.

I’m not the omniscient viewer of a tv show of my life. i can’t tell you whether my dad did that or not. but i can tell you he did enough. enough to craft me into someone who’s probably going to be convincing vampself that vamp’s not the literal worst person ever until the day vam dies. enough to make me question if i’m a bad friend/boyfriend/child/sibling/general human being every time i say something that produces anything other than laughter.

three - the slowly faltering conviction that she can do everything herself. like reagan, I’m really smart. I’m a gifted kid (derogatory). i can do most subjects really well (i take american standardized tests like a queen. i want to shoot myself.). i pulled a 100% for most of the first semester of my physics class. but where i’ve really focused my talents over the years is the arts. and like reagan, i cannot stand working with others. i’m the kid who actually preferred when all the other group members where arguing over how to divy up work (because none of them wanted to do anything), so i could just finished the project myself. i always used to write alone, do art alone, keep it secret and special and sacred. it was my shelter away from humanity. i’d share it when it was done, but the process was all my own. insomniac nights. you know the drill.

Like Reagan, all of that changed for me recently thanks to ✨true friendship✨ (i mean recently in pandemic time. it’s been three years). i met a guitarist, a musician like me. they changed me for good. they loved me, unconditionally, somehow. even though i’m like this. even though i’m me. i watched them closely, because i watch people closely. i think it’s the trauma, you know, how i always used to be on the lookout for days when it would be bad and no one would fall asleep happy (assuming i fell asleep at all). so i watched them love me, and i think when they did it so up close, so genuinely, something in my head clicked and i learned how to do it myself. i learned from them how to love me. during this whole time i kept up my lone wolf act, and i don’t know. i guess i figured that if they could love me, see my art, and still love me, then i was good enough for one person. and that’s all i’ve ever really wanted. so i started, slowly, to work with them. i gave it my all, and did not end up resenting them for anything we did together. somehow, it made our friendship stronger. so i auditioned for a poetry club. i took an art class and bathed in the joy of having other friends who were artists. i shared freely, with my safe group of humans. i got up on stage, with them and two other musicians, and made joyous noise in front of crowds.

somehow, it just felt good. i expected a sting. i flinched after every band meeting for days on end, but the blow never came. like reagan’s dad did to her, my dad convinced me through his behavior that my art was silly, not worth attention, not good enough for attention. Maybe if i sang as strong as rick springfield, I’d have a case for wanting his love and pride. Reagan shared that passion for invention and science with another kid, but Rand took it away, then convinced that other people aren’t worth it. then, that she wasn’t worth it.

four - the house reagan and rand used to share. i noticed that throughout the show it was pretty messy. I figured it was just part of Reagan’s deal, you know. Like she’s just kind of a messy person, mad scientist, whatever. And then I watched the finale, and when she kicked Rand out, and cleaned up his stuff, her house was actually... kinda clean? She must actually be a neat person. Not like, overwhelmingly so, but thinking about how organized her lab is: even though it looks messy, she never has trouble finding things and everyone seems to be able to navigate it easily. A lot of the clutter when Rand was sharing her house was literally just garbage... it must’ve been Rand who was so messy. and, as weird as it might sound, i think this is a common sign of abuse going on. To be clear, I’m not saying “a person who is messy in their living space is bound to be abusive to loved ones”. Cleanliness has be associated with moral superiority for far too long for my disabled ass. But, I can say from my own experience, abusive people do try to make things as hard as possible for you, especially if you don’t do what they want you to. And part of this could be being messy, dirty, not fixing things in the house because it takes a lot of work to clean up after a whole other person in addition to yourself. It makes everything twice as difficult. Someone who is already prone to or has mental illnesses will take this difficulty twice as hard, and eventually the garbage is going to pile up... much like it did in my house when my father was around, and like it did in Reagan’s.

i thought that was an interesting detail, whether i’m right or not. maybe it was even a metaphor, for how rand junks up reagan’s mental space.

i think that’s the entirety of what i noticed! this has been sitting in my drafts unpolished for like a week lol. hard to get up the nerve to share such a thing as was unspeakable for so long.

#inside job #long post #inside job netflix #reagan ridley #rand ridley #brett hand #childhood truama #emotional abuse #tw abuse #spoilers for inside job s1

[backofthebookshelf]

One of the nice things about the way the TMA fandom has reached full large-fandom levels of toxicity is that I no longer care if people get mad at me for my opinions on characters! So, some Georgie meta.

(Because fandom is and always has been Like That, I do feel the need to clarify here that I love Georgie, she's one of my favorite characters, characters are more interesting because of their flaws, and I have no investment in the idea that women or female characters are inherently better or more emotionally competent than men or male characters. If I talk a lot about her relationship with Jon, it's because Jon is our point of view character and also the person she interacts with the most. Also, this rambles, sorry.)

I've been thinking about the Season 4 Jon Trauma post and how much I liked the way it talked about Georgie, and it's convinced me that if Georgie could feel fear, she's the one who'd be most afraid of Jon out of all of them. She's the one protagonist we have whose only interaction with the powers has been as a direct victim of them. She doesn't know what they feel like from the inside, like Jon and Melanie; she doesn't know what they're like when they're someone you love, like Basira; she doesn't even know what they're like as petty middle management, like Martin and Tim. What she knows is that one time a monster ate her (only) friend and traumatized her so badly she spent a year in a suicidal depression.

And now her ex - and yes, Jon and Georgie have a remarkably comfortable relationship in the beginning of season three, but they're still exes and they broke up for reasons, even if we don't know exactly what they are - has turned up on her doorstep, shaking and possibly bloody, with nowhere else to go and no access to his home. He's clearly lying about what's going on. He repeatedly violates her house rules. And then he tells her that he's turning into one of those same kinds of monsters that traumatized her and ate her friend. It's clearly enough to override any remaining affection she had for him, and by any definition he has now positioned himself as a trigger.

(Through no fault of his own: the only real response he has to Georgie's statement is "I can't believe you didn't tell me." She's the one who assumes that he Knew, somehow, that she also had a statement; she's the one who suggests he had alternatives. Both suggestions are plausible but we don't actually know for certain that either are true.)

But Georgie isn't afraid of Jon because Georgie can't be afraid -at least, according to her. I'm not sure how much I believe this in the grand scheme of things; it seems like an extremely unlikely mechanism for one of the fears to have. It seems much more likely to me that she's just never met anything as terrifying as that encounter was, and her subjective sense of fear has been massively recalibrated. In which case not only meeting but having hosted in your home another monster who self-describes as similar to the one that was so terrifying that literal threats to your life are no longer distressing would...probably ping. But she's conceptualized herself as a person who doesn't feel fear; it's even possible that was part of her recovery, identifying this as a possible benefit of what would otherwise have been a universally terrible, soul-breaking experience. She looked existential terror in the face and survived, and came out of it a person who cannot be afraid of anything left on this earth. That's kind of a superhero origin story, and I can't blame her for it. I think anyone with a mental illness has at least tried to find ways in which their suffering has made them a better, stronger person.

But whether she's suppressing and rationalizing away any fear she feels or she genuinely doesn't feel any of it, she does frequently behave as though her lack of fear gives her a more objective view of the situation than anyone else. I don't believe she actually uses the word "just," but it drips from her every interaction with Jon after Dead Woman Walking. Why doesn't he just stop reading the statements? Why doesn't he just quit? And, in Zombie, I honestly can't interpret her reaction to Jon when he wakes up from his coma as anything other than, Why doesn't he just die? If he hates being this so much, if he really doesn't want to be a monster, why doesn't he just die?

I really would like to think that it goes without saying that this is, at the very least, a massive failure of empathy, but she's so explicit about it and fandom spent so much time basically agreeing with her that apparently it doesn't. Not only is Georgie not afraid of the situation, but (and this is the part that makes me wonder if she's not rationalizing, rather than being supernaturally unable to feel fear) she can't possibly fathom how afraid everyone else is, and she never tries. She persists in treating the whole awful situation, as @findingfeather's post says, like this is a mundane problem with people who are refusing to help themselves, rather than a supernatural trap that has been specifically built to be inescapable.

Now, let me be clear, even if she were talking to, say, a drug addict who nearly killed themselves because they were in denial about how much of a problem they had, her attitude would be unforgivable. But in this case Jon had no choice in whether or not to become addicted to statements; it was done to him in such a way that he didn't notice it was happening until withdrawal was already incapacitating. He also didn't have the option to leave, as Tim's extended vacation made clear. And, on top of all of that, the whole reason he was in a coma in the first place was that he was trying to save the world. (Neither he nor she knows at this point that he was doing nothing of the kind, so that's really not relevant.) And - look, when Jon came to her after the end of season two, he was asking for help. When he rejected the kind of help that she offered it was because he knew it didn't apply to the problems he actually had, but she treats that like it's his problem, which is something like offering a leg splint to a person bleeding out from a gunshot wound and getting offended when they tell you that won't work. He was very clear that what was happening scared him and he didn't know what to do about it, and her only suggestion was "walk away," which he literally could not do, for multiple reasons.

She's lucky Jon has pretty much precisely zero self-worth at this point, because anyone else would have cut her off completely for behaving like a fucking asshole.

I say "she's lucky" because frankly, even though she says that she wants nothing more to do with him, she turns up at least twice in the Institute after that, with the excuse that she's picking up Melanie to take her to therapy. I don't know about you, but I have never once gone to someone's workplace to pick them up and gone snooping around inside, and no matter how fascinatingly weird that workplace is, I definitely can't imagine doing so when I know that workplace also contains a person I have definitely decided I never want to speak to again. She goes into the Archives, for Christ's sake, and she listens outside Jon's office door for long enough to catch a bit of the recording before letting herself in (so it's very clear she knows who's in there).

Now I'm not trying to paint her as a monster here; Georgie would hardly be the first person to have second thoughts about cutting off someone they still care about, or to break that boundary that they set themselves when they realize they do still want to know how that person is doing. But the fact is that she positions herself as having the moral high ground in every single discussion they have and that's just not true. She is not literally a supernatural monster, true, but if season four did anything with the concept of monsters it was breaking down the difference between "supernaturally driven no-longer-human" and "person capable of caring and empathy." (That's a whole different meta, though, one that I will get around to someday.) Not that Jon is any better, in that encounter specifically, at dealing with a complicated and contentious relationship - he deliberately goads her, even if he doesn't use compulsion. But that's the thing, they're both exes who have had a falling out and aren't handling it very well. Neither of them is in the right.

All of which makes me really wonder what her relationship with Melanie is actually like. We don't actually see hardly any of it directly, and of what we do, well, Melanie sounds like she's still high on painkillers, so it's hard to take that as an indication of anything. But given that people (who are not intentionally trying to manipulate those around them) tend to, y'know, be fundamentally the same person in their various relationships, though it may manifest in different ways, we can probably make some guesses.

I have always been bothered by, and I really can't ignore, the fact that they were getting together at the same time that Melanie was doing what Georgie has been demanding of Jon since season three: she did whatever it took to get out. I have to wonder if Georgie knows about the nonconsensual surgery part of Melanie's process of getting out, and if she does, if she understands how vital it was. I certainly wouldn't be surprised, if she does know, that she's managed to compartmentalize it: Jon inflicted this terrible trauma on Melanie, Melanie escaped the entity that took her over. (Subconscious implication: Jon is a monster; Melanie is better than him.) I would be very surprised if Georgie is interested at all in the fine distinctions between entities; she's shown no interest in learning what is actually happening to anyone in this situation beyond "it's bad and they should get out of it." But it's relevant, because by the time Melanie makes the decision to blind herself, she's in a much different position than Jon, enslaved by an entity but not consumed by one. She herself admitted to Jon that she would never have voluntarily escaped from the Slaughter.

And given how difficult Melanie finds it to talk about any of this - you can hear her dragging the words out from behind her teeth in her conversation with Jon in Flesh, truly incredible acting by Lydia Nicholas, my god - if Georgie doesn't want to hear it? I can't imagine Melanie insisting. Yes, Melanie is going to therapy, but let me tell you, I've been going to therapy for twelve years now and I have yet to have several of the important conversations my therapists have insisted I have. That shit is hard. But I can imagine a scenario where, having been told by her therapist (who, remember, doesn't have the first idea what Melanie is actually going through, because Melanie isn't telling her about the supernatural so she has to leave out a lot of really relevant details) that she ought to tell her friend/potential girlfriend/new girlfriend about these things, Melanie attempts to bring it up, Georgie says kind and reassuring things and refuses to let her clarify any of the details, and Melanie gives up in relief, thinking, well, I tried. Super valid all around, but it doesn't mean that Georgie has any clearer picture of what Melanie's traumas actually look like, never mind Jon's. There's no world in which I can imagine Georgie actually internalizing the idea that Melanie loved the Slaughter when it had her, and she would gladly have stayed with it if Jon and Basira hadn't intervened.

In Georgie's eyes, Melanie is being a Good Victim. She was hurt but she was strong; she fought it until she won; now she's going to therapy and setting boundaries and trying to heal. She got away.

(Except, of course, she didn't, because as of The Eye Opens no one has gotten away, because this is the entire world now. We have no idea how this has affected Melanie. Presumably she's out of reach of the Eye, given that Jon can't see her or Georgie (and there's some evidence on the side of Georgie's encounter genuinely having stripped her of fear, if she's also invisible to the Eye), but she spent a long time under the influence of the Slaughter. It had her firmly enough that her attacking Jon was enough to give him his Slaughter scar. If nothing else, Melanie certainly hasn't had her fear removed, and talk about a situation bound to retraumatize someone who had such a visceral revulsion to being trapped that Elias chose it as his mechanism of control over her. Melanie probably doesn't look like a Good Victim any more, and I'd bet her relationship with Georgie is suffering some serious strain because of it.)

We don't know when exactly Melanie and Georgie got together; the last time one of them mentions the other is, I'm pretty sure, when Georgie tells Jon that Melanie is back from India. So we know that Georgie and Melanie were friends; that's good, that's a good foundation for a romantic relationship. At the very least they know each other, they have some idea of what to expect. I'd be surprised if they were dating during that season 3/4 hiatus period, though, or frankly any time before Melanie's surgery, just because Melanie seems much too consumed with rage to have room for any other emotions, and I can't imagine Georgie putting up with that.

What seems way more likely to me is this: Melanie comes back from India, arranges to meet Georgie for drinks. Probably they don't talk about anything serious; possibly they talk about Jon, honestly, since we know Melanie was looking for him and Georgie talked to him about Melanie, but very likely in the same "stuck-up pompous ass" way that Melanie talks about Jon in early seasons. (I bet Melanie's roasts are amazing.) Shortly after that Melanie joins the Magnus Institute and then, very likely, either she never tells Georgie about it and therefore they don't talk much or she does tell Georgie about it and Georgie tells her that place is bad news and she won't have anything to do with it and they don't talk at all, until, whichever way that went, the Unknowing happens and Tim dies and Jon winds up in a coma and everything goes to shit. We know Georgie visits Jon in the hospital; we don't know if Melanie does, but frankly it seems unlikely. If they did cross paths during this time, it was probably very brief and superficial. Then: the surgery, and Melanie's recovery.

I'll be honest, I have a hard time imagining Melanie deciding on her own that she should go to therapy. It's possible Basira suggested it, but it really does sound like a Georgie thing to do. So I picture something like this: from the way Basira talks it sounds like they've all been pretty much living in the Archives for a while, and on top of that everyone in the Archives has just badly violated Melanie's trust, so Melanie pulls up her Facebook DMs and talks to the only other person she has. You were right, she says, this place is terrible, I can't handle it, there's no one here I can trust and I'm so alone. And Georgie, who is generous with help and advice (so long as it's accepted) and (like anyone) weak to being told she was right about something, starts talking to her. We know Georgie's got good boundaries, and we know she doesn't want to hear details about what's going on in the Institute, so I can see her saying, I can talk to you, I would love to talk to you, but not about this. For that you need a therapist.

So Melanie gets a therapist, and the prospect of going out amongst the monsters they know are stalking the Institute without that protective shield of rage (never mind the emotional vulnerability of going to therapy in the first place) makes public transit an unthinkable option, so she asks Georgie to take her, and she does, and she keeps taking her to therapy, which is, as far as we know, the only time Melanie leaves the Archives in season four, until she blinds herself and escapes it completely.

And so they have this relationship that's built up almost entirely around Melanie's trauma - with a foundation of friendship, certainly, so I do think that if they are willing to work through it they could make it a working, healthy relationship, but (and again this isn't stated in canon but is my speculation based on what we know about these characters) it is a romantic relationship that's built around the process of Melanie recovering from multiple traumas. Ones that we know that Georgie a) doesn't know many details about, and b) more importantly, refuses to know any details about. Now, I have no experience with romantic relationships and serious trauma; I might be wildly off base here. But. I know that boundaries are important and I know that trust is also important. And if Georgie is holding similar boundaries with Melanie that she has with Jon (and, as I went into excruciating detail about earlier, she has very solid emotional reasons to protect herself with those boundaries), that's drawing a hard line around what's basically the past two to three years of Melanie's life, and undeniably both the worst and most important things that have ever happened to her. That seems...difficult to manage in the long term.

(This is a bit more of a stretch, more of the germ of a fic idea than an argument I'm prepared to defend, but I also would not be surprised if Georgie told Melanie that she wouldn't date her while she was still working at the Institute. That's a very reasonable boundary, and it's good motivation - and probably healthy motivation, I do like the idea that Melanie had something to reach toward in escaping the Institute, not just the desperate flight from - but it's also something of an ultimatum. Which is not inherently bad, but it is the kind of thing that can fester, given other problems.)

Now it's entirely possible that Georgie isn't that internally consistent. People aren't! (See: Basira's attitude toward Daisy vs her attitude toward Jon in season four.) Maybe she's more flexible about being willing to listen to Melanie, maybe she's starting to understand some of what was happening and how genuinely impossible a situation it really was. But that has to be a struggle for her, too; it's not a perfect, sweet, unconditionally good situation that teaches you that you've been unfair to the point of cruelty to someone you used to care about. And by the time the apocalypse rolls around, Melanie is, if she's lucky, just barely able to say she's healed from the plain physical trauma of blinding, never mind all the other baggage. They've got to be having a rough fucking time of it, at the very least, even if you assume that they're suddenly both the kind of people who will sit still and listen supportively and talk honestly about their own messy and complicated emotions, when neither of them have been that kind of person before.

(Another disclaimer because Fandom Is Like That: This is in no way a condemnation of or argument against fluffy What the Girlfriends fic; fic is for making fluffy things that you want to happen to your faves, or building fluffy content that you desperately need for whatever reason. Gods know there are plenty of unhealthy parts of Jon and Martin's relationship that I ignore in most of my fluffy fic. This is me attempting to work through my thoughts and feelings about the relationship I see in canon in the hopes of actually being able to write some fic about these girls myself someday, because I personally can't write fic until I understand canon, and so much of them happens offscreen because they're not main characters, and they're written with such depth and complexity that you can't just slap a stereotype on them and call it good. Which is awesome! But it means I gotta do the work, and I post it because a) it's work, and this is fandom, and I want validation; and b) I'm hoping other people have insights that might also help me clarify my thinking.)

#the magnus archives #tma #georgie barker #jonathan sims #melanie king #long post #real fuckin' long post #sorry #it's a meta party #cw suicide #cw addiction

[oleanderblume]

A Not Very Easy Thing to Talk About.

☆Detransitioners☆

("Trans" is in reference to ALL trans people, as well as intersection people, not just binary trans folk)

It seems, in the trans community, we really REALLY don't talk about detransitioners. And I can completely understand WHY.

The prospect of detransitioners is scary, because I'm sure every trans person has wondered at one point "am I just..wrong?" And that is understandable. It is so understandable that I'm sure when you think about- if you think too hard about it, you can so easily convince yourself to not to come out or move forward into getting HRT.

Not only that but every time someone detransitions, that adds fuel to the fire for terfs and transphobes. They use detransitioners stories to vilify and undermine trans peoples experiences, to pass laws that restrict our access to Healthcare, public spaces, and strip us of our bodily autonomy.

Because "this cis girl/boy was so convinced by the big bad tr*nnies to transition and now they will never EVER be the same!!! *gasp*"

That is terrifying.

Except its not.

People who transitioned or were on HRT and later learned that it wasn't the right move are not BAD, they aren't our enemies and they deserve to be HEARD and listened to.

Their stories and experiences are twisted up to make trans people look bad, but they are also the ones being affected by this.

I understand how easily these peoples experiences can be used against us, used against THEM.

But I also understand that as a trans person I SHOULD listen to their stories. Because it is both enlightening and validating.

Gender identity is a messy MESSY thing, and with increased access to Healthcare for trans folks, while that is absolutely FANTASTIC, that increases the risk of transitioning when that isn't the best option for you. Not everyone has access to gender therapy, or medical care, or the information that is so incredibly pertinent to know and have in your arsenal before even attempting to move into HRT.

People have the internet now, and trans people are more visible and gender identity is very often treated as an extreme. Like transitioning is the ONLY way you can feel better if you have an inkling of gnc traits.

Most often this is by ill informed people who genuinely mean the best, because no trans person is going to force someone to transition when they are questioning. No medical professional is going to push you to transition if they don't think you are 100% down with it.

But the fact that ill informed people who mean the best and poorly explained experiences from trans folks on top of detransitioners being completely swept under the rug when they are undoubtedly a part of the trans community serves absolutely no one.

It means that questioning people or gnc folks don't get a well rounded idea of their options, or they may inadvertently be lead to believe that they have to transition or start HRT to feel better.

I'm not saying that you "have to have dysphoria to be trans"- no, I'm saying that people who may have other underlying issues are under the impression that those issues are from being trans when they might very well not be. And that is alright.

Hrt doesn't fix all your problems, if you have issues with mental health, or the way you are perceived by society- internalized misogyny or misunderstood or literally anything that can be easily mistaken for internalized transphobia and/or gender dysphoria it can really make it even more confusing.

And there are people out there who have experienced that, and decided to transition and then realized that their gender wasn't the problem. And I cannot explain to you how important it is to listen to those experiences and apply that to yourself. To Guage whether or not transitioning in any form is the best call for you.

The reason I say that is because there ARE people who reinforce your questioning by being adamant with what you are experiencing- regardless of whether or not their take is correct.

It is your responsibility to do as much research and gather as much knowledge about the pros and cons and the experiences that ALL of the trans community has, including detransitioners.

And we as trans people shouldn't be so skeptical and ignorant of detransitioners when they tell their stories.

People detransition for a plethora of reasons, albeit majority of detransitioners end up moving along with transition again because of support and being out of dangerous situations, there are folks who detransition simply because it wasn't the move they needed to make for themselves.

That being said, detransitioners who actively denounce the trans community and blame the Healthcare system for "pushing them into transition" is also..not chill. It is still your decision to start hrt.

You are still jumping through every single hoop to transition and deflecting the responsibility you take when you utilize your bodily autonomy and informed consent to go through with transition isn't going to help you OR the trans community.

It is so so SO important to research and learn different perspectives before you commit to anything.

Okay. So I know that last bit was kind of harsh, and I know this post is kind of if not already controversial and there is no easy way to fix all the issues surrounding trans people, within the community and without.

That being said, I think one of the things we, as a community can do to truly help eachother, is to make sure that we aren't inadvertently pushing people into making a very drastic decision.

As a community, all of us should be informed about ALL ASPECTS of being trans, or cis and detransitioning. And we should be encouraging questioning people to gather all the information they can before going through with a decision.

And offer the different perspectives, lifting up voices of those who have experiences that are not the ideal, cause I hate to break it to you but being trans is beginning to get romanticized and that only bodes poorly for all of us.

This has been a thought on my mind for a while...and I know I didn't articulate it perfectly, I'm doing my best, I just simply don't believe that detransitioners and detransitioning should be so flagrantly ignored- for the sake of future trans generations, for the sake of our rights and our humanity.

We should talk about it. And take the ownership of the conversation AWAY from terfs and transphobes. Because it doesn't belong to them. Okay. I'm done now.

#trans boy #transition #trans #transgender #trans girl #trans ftm #mtf trans #detransitioners #trans rights #trans people #nonbinary #agender #demigender #genderfluid

[missmentelle]

Hi! I stumbled into your blog and it's amazing! I have so many questions. I will apologize now for it. Husband and wife of 20 years. All of a sudden keeps money and doesn't share it with his wife after they agreed that she wouldn't work. And because he has ADHD (diagnosed and doesn't like taking his meds) she has to remind him to pay the same bills EVERY month? Now she has a car payment because her car broke down, he asks her every month if he needs to pay her car payment. What to tell her?

Same "question" anon. They have 4 children, she does all the house work cooking and parenting. All appointments, school stuff and homework. She did that even when she had the job. He's inconsistent with helping her with ANYTHING so she just got tired of begging and nagging.He spends more time on his phone than he does sleeping. You can tell its taking a tole on her mental state. The problem is he genuinely seems to love her and the kids. They have gone to therapy a few times. Is this abuse?

Well, it’s certainly not a good situation, I can tell you that.

Whether the financial stuff qualifies as abuse really depends on the specifics of their situation. Withholding access to finances can definitely be a form of abuse, but not every couple where one person manages the finances is abusive. Sometimes one person in a relationship handles the money out of convenience, or because dealing with money makes the other person anxious - things start to become abusive when one partner is not able to access money for essentials if they need them, if one partner feels their spending is excessively monitored and tracked by the other partner, or if money is being used to trap one person in the relationship. Does does your friend have access to any money or spending at all? Does she have a credit card? Can she withdraw money from a joint account at a bank branch? If there was some sort of emergency and she needed to leave him, would she be able to finance that herself - for instance, could she afford to put gas in her car and drive to her parents’ house or spend the night at a hotel? Does she have access to spending money or money for basic necessities like groceries? And most importantly, does her husband managing the household finances make her feel trapped and afraid? Or is she mostly just annoyed that bills aren’t being paid without reminders? If her husband was reliable about paying all the bills on time, would this be an issue for her? Again, I don’t know the specifics of their situation, but if the money situation is making her feel like she’s helpless and unable to leave the relationship or like she has to beg for money for basic necessities, I’d be concerned about financial abuse. If she’s got her own credit card for emergencies and is mostly just exasperated that he’s paying the mortgage late every month, I wouldn’t necessarily call this abuse - but again, I wouldn’t call it a good situation either. 

In general, though, it seems like the core issue in this relationship is that the husband is refusing to take responsibility for managing his own mental health, even when it’s taking a toll on his wife. And that is super, super not okay.  As someone who has ADHD myself, I understand how difficult it can be to manage basic life expectations when you have this condition. Things like remembering to pay bills or file taxes on time, being on time for work, meeting deadlines, and keeping up with household chores are more difficult for me than they are for other people - this is a common experience for people with ADHD. I am sympathetic to the struggle. But the fact that these tasks are more difficult for me does not mean that I have an excuse to just... not do them, especially if other people are counting on me to get these things done. It is not my partner’s responsibility to clean up after me or manage the household by himself because I find things more difficult than he does - it’s up to me to communicate with him and find strategies that let me consistently take on half of the workload without my partner having to chase me to get it done. I set numerous reminders, do housework in short bursts, prioritize tasks, listen to audiobooks while I work and hold myself accountable for getting important tasks done. Yes, it sucks sometimes that this stuff just doesn’t come easily to me, but I still don’t have the right to run my partner ragged and automatically expect him to pick up my slack. My ADHD is not my fault, but it is my responsibility. And the same is true for the husband in this situation.  I’m not a huge fan of ultimatums in relationships, but I think it’s time for a come-to-Jesus moment here. The wife needs to sit down with her husband and lay out how this situation is affecting her, what her boundaries are, and what her expectations are going forward. She needs to make it abundantly clear that the relationship cannot continue the way it’s been going, and that something needs to change. What that change looks like is up to them - maybe he needs to go back on his medication. Maybe he needs to hand over control of the finances. Maybe he needs to take on more chores and childcare. Maybe it’s all of the above. Either way, this is not an issue that will resolve on its own - a difficult conversation needs to happen, and there needs to be real, concrete efforts to change. If the husband refuses to change or doesn’t follow through, it’s really up to the wife to decide where her limits are. If the situation never improves, how much more of this is she willing to put up with? Is she prepared to spend the rest of her life constantly nagging a grown man to make the car payment on time and hang up his wet towels? How long is she willing to wait for things to improve? At what point does the stress of this relationship outweigh the positives? She’s the only one who can decide the answers to those questions. The best you can do is to be there for her while she tries to make up her mind.  Best of luck to all of you! MM

#Anonymous

[queernuck]

Psychedelic Exceptionalism

If you engage in or advocate for psychedelic exceptionalism in your advocacy, you are not at all a good advocate for harm reduction, for people who use drugs, or for ending the drug war. Psychedelic exceptionalism is the concept that certain drugs, particularly psychedelics, can be excepted from current discourses on drugs because they are entirely unlike any others, are not a “threat” in the same fashion as other drugs, and that as a result they have been unfairly grouped with the genuinely harmful ones, which must then be kept illegal, criminalized, and the users of these drugs should be left to their own devices, left to die. No safe supply, no reparations for the drug war, nothing except for a slight rescheduling.

The potential for psychedelics in various forms for being enormously helpful is doubtless, but to if you think about drug use strictly in a dichotomy of addiction and abstinent recovery, you are not making any actual strides toward making drugs safer. You are perhaps extending that safety to some slight degree, but if you talk about drugs and people who use drug in a way that picks out a relatively small group of substances that has already in part been accepted into the psychiatric apparatus, you are simply setting us up for an environment where MDMA, LSD, and psilocybin are Schedule II instead of Schedule I and the use of such substances is confined to unaffordable therapy designed to restructure its subjects into more productive workers.

You are surrendering it to the domain of Silicon Valley microdose bros and those who can afford not to care what their health insurance does or doesn’t cover. Ketamine therapy, already an incredibly promising practice, is suffering from exactly this: it is out of reach of so many who would benefit from it, not to mention the ignorance toward its recreational use makes it seem as if the two cannot coexist.

When Dr. Hart uses the example of PCP, a close relative of Ketamine that has been racialized and essentially disposed of by most of those who practice the ideals of this psychedelic exceptionalism, he makes clear that the victims of this are racialized as well, how police have used PCP as an excuse for police brutality, and how the media sensationalism surrounding PCP is indicative of how substances take on a racialized character. He talks about how MDMA, despite being best known as an empathogenic substance, is also in the family of amphetamines, and that methamphetamine is widely derided, at the center of a raging War on Drugs in the Philippines.

“We have to guard against drug elitism, the thinking that your drug is better than someone else’s drug,” Hart said. “Whatever works best for you is fine.”

If someone is best served by sobriety, that is commendable. If someone is best served by smoking black tar heroin and crack, then they should be allowed to access both. A life enhanced by xanax is hardly different from one enhanced by coffee. Whether the club draws you more to MDMA or Meth, if you celebrate with a glass of champagne or cocaine, enjoy a solo cup of beer or a double cup of lean, whether you prefer to eat shrooms or LSD or oxycodone while you smoke your cannabis, you deserve to be supported in ways you are not currently getting and that are currently precluded from all people who use drugs.

[honeyfelix]

Hi! I just read your post with felix in a bad position mental health wise... and I have never connected with something as much as I did with that post. I struggle with depression, which gets really bad at night (similar symptoms? to felix in the story esp. thanking y/n for the love at the end) and I cannot even seek to be in a romantic relationship with anyone because I don’t think they should have to be burdened with me. Do you feel similar, or have any advice? (Yo I love the smut as well sis)

hey babe - sorry it took me a minute to respond, it honestly just took me a while to digest how much this message meant to me and figure out exactly what i want to say ... so my apologies if i ramble a bit here haha

the first thing is i can’t tell you how moved i am to hear that that post clicked with you. i can’t thank you enough for sharing that with me. i briefly mention it in the tags but i v much wrote that timestamp as therapy for me hahaha - basically i displaced the way i was feeling onto felix and made y/n the caretaker. 

let’s go ~behind the scenes of cherrie’s writing and also her garbage brain!~

to your question on whether i feel similar to you - yes, absolutely. during my episodes it’s absolutely worst at night. but there’s a couple other pieces of myself in that fic. 1st is the inability to articulate what i’m feeling. in that piece felix never tells y/n what happened (and has never told her before) and he also doesnt understand it himself (for example, the “i don’t know what’s happening” and “i don’t know what to say”).

this is something i’ve felt a lot of guilt for in my own life - i have told maybe 1-2 people in my entire life what i’m actually FEELING. not just what is happening in my life, but how it actually makes me feel. i’ve never been able to say that i have depression or am depressed - it makes me feel sick and claustrophobic and selfish. the guilt comes from forcing people around me to go through the labor of trying to understand what i feel without giving anything to work with. y/n’s reassurance and willingness to push past that wall is a way of absolving myself of that guilt. 

the 2nd piece of myself in it is felix’s insistence on pushing away, usually by somehow hurting y/n (ignoring her, etc). in the fic, it’s explained as felix not wanting y/n to suffer bc of seeing him suffer. which in my life is true, but i think on a darker level, i also want to test people to see if they’ll stick with me even when i’m hurting them, as if to “prove” their friendship. THAT IS TOXIC !!! DO NOT DO THAT !!!!!! it’s a horrible habit that i’ve been working for years to kick. 

however, in the fic y/n is very aware that felix is trying to push her away and is committed to sticking through it. this is a fantasy and does not happen in real life. when you are cruel to people they will leave you. they deserve better than that. so, in the fic when she is so clearheaded and loves felix so much that she can deal with that, that was another way of absolving myself of that guilt haha.

in general, i had never connected with mental-health-themed angsty fic before bc it always included y/n being very honest about what she’s feeling and being comforted by the kpop boy haha. but that has never been an accessible reality for me so i never related to it bc i would NEVER open up like that. so that’s why i wrote the fic haha.

as for advice. i am very very lucky (and also kind of unlucky) that i have been in love with the most incredible woman in the world for 3+ years. (she does not love me back romantically but is still my best friend. TMI!!!!!!!!) she has fought tooth and nail to get me to open up and make me believe that my feelings have value and that she genuinely cares. she has taught me so much, but maybe most importantly that there are people in the world who genuinely do want to take care of you and see you happy.

i relate SO much to not feeling able to seek out a romantic relationship bc you feel you can’t burden someone. that’s why i don’t even open up to my friends. what i’ve learned from her, though, is that to the people that love you - taking care of you is not a burden, it is an honor. the same way that you want to take care of the people in your life and make sure they are happy - there are so many people that want that for you.

it’s an easier said than done, but it’s about TRUST and not being afraid that things might go wrong - just being excited and hopeful that they might go right. you just have to give yourself the chance. i hope that makes sense. happy to talk more about it too.

ANYWAY !!!! THAT GOT LONG SORRY !!! AND GLAD YOU LOVE THE SMUT HAHAHAHA LOVE YOU BBY!!!!!

#please any of you feel free to tell me to shut up at any time #ask #tw: ed #tw: depression #just in case!

[cerastes]

Completely aimless post in which I just talk about a plethora of things with no real goal other than that I felt like talking about it.

Martial arts are an art, end of the day, but one that is particularly difficult to be self-taught in. You really do need the instruction of someone, especially at first. If you have a solid base that was polished by a good master, then you can continue to improve yourself from there, but I think it’s exceedingly improbable for someone to be able to be truly self-taught as a martial artist. Just like with writing or drawing, there’s a difference between “good martial artist” and “good master”. Someone that is great at the arts might not be good at teaching them. Finding a good master, thus, is a task that should be viewed as it is under this lens. Likewise, you, as a student, can also be a good student or a bad student. A good master and a good student are a beautiful combination. Strive to be good, the rest will follow.

In a way I believe many people will understand it better: It’s incorrect to think of martial arts as active skills. ‘Martial Arts’ is a skill tree composed 80% of passive skills. You practice a punch or a kick or a clinch or a defensive maneuver not to do them consciously, you practice them so they become ingrained in your body language, so you react with them when they need to be used, and so you have the discipline to automatically know when they should be used. It is only in the highest levels of combat or when you are against someone of your level that mind games and the 3D chess games of “I’ll do this and that and this and that so they do this to which I respond with this but I should keep in mind they might do this at bullet point 3 so I’ll watch out for that and do this and that in that case instead” come into play, and they are thoughts that happen in a second, because they do not happen in words, they happen in motions you have ingrained in your body after laborious training. It’s why amateur martial artists tend to lose to street fighters but adept martial artists tend to wipe the floor with the same street fighters: Amateurs are still under the idea of “active skills” martial arts, whereas the adept simply does. Do, and the rest will follow.

It’s unhealthy to not realize and admit to your mistakes, but it is also unhealthy to never forgive yourself for them. Likewise, it is unhealthy to keep ‘friends’ that won’t let you forgive yourself, whether they make it manifest through words or simply through actions, subtle as they can get. It is a sad reality, but it is true. Avoid these friends. Make distance with them if they are not willing to let their own fears or grudge subside after you’ve proven you are not the you of yesterday. Don’t let them think you need to spend a lifetime atoning for once having been the you of yesterday. No one is, was, or will be flawless, but we can and should be better. Don’t let them not let you be better or feel better.

Years ago, I was immature due to my own bad experiences with some people that hurt me deeply and came to the conclusion that cutting people off was the right thing to do if they crossed you. Thinking back on it, it was me being afraid of being hurt again. I’ve long since moved on from this way of thinking, and I’ve embraced contact as the right way to handle things. However, as much as I regret the way I was, I decidedly do not regret cutting off the people I cut off, I simply regret the way in which I cut them off. The people I cut off are people I still do not want around me, and that I would’ve cut off anyways. What I regret is not talking to them and letting them know “hey, you’ve been shit to me, I really do not want to know you anymore,” because it’s unfair to wordlessly cut off someone, but it’s also unfair to subject yourself to more pain because supposed “friends” keep hurting you. I have apologized many times for being the way I was, but I will not apologize, not once, for the people I actually cut off. They are not all bad people, some of them are pretty decent, honestly, but they did me wrong, and not once or twice or thrice. Me cutting them off wordlessly wasn’t something I did after one tiny whoopsie, it was something I did after being wronged several times, and no one can say I didn’t give a bunch of these people chances, because I kept some around even after tons of fights and supposed ‘break ups’, forgiving them for their shit until I simply couldn’t take it anymore. What I’m trying to say here is that I’ve already paid my dues, I regret what I regret, and I acted bad, but that doesn’t mean I’m the bad guy and the other party was composed of poor wittle sunshines that were wronged by the big bad Dreamer. They had it fucking coming, and that’s all I have to say. If I have to feel like a perpetual villain around you because you happen to be friends with one of the people I cut off, then we might as well not be around together any longer, because fuck that noise. I am not saying your friend is a bad egg and you should consider your morality or the viper in your chicken coop or whatever, all I’m saying is that they wronged me pretty bad as well, and I don’t have to deal with your shitty ambivalence. You want to come to terms to this properly? Then fucking talk to me. Communication is the morale of the story, after all.

Yet, life seems to have a knack for having me, by chance or circumstance, be stuck with these people that feel this ambivalence for me for things I’ve already settled years ago. It’s getting really tiresome, and I do not have much patience left in me, years-long friends or not. Having to walk on egg shells because of their fears and/or over something long buried feels terrible, especially when the egg shells are from four-five years ago and everyone has moved on except these third parties.

It’s true that politics have different weights in the lives of different people: For some, it’s just a topic among many, and for others, it’s a matter of life or death. In that regard, I respect the decision to ignore the whole “I’m not going to lose friends over politics”: It is completely valid to part ways with someone over political ideas, for their abstract beliefs may mean concrete consequences for you. That said, I also respect the decision to want to part ways with someone for being too immersed in politics, because even though it may be their livelihood on the line there, perhaps you simply do not have the emotional energy to want to invest into a fight that’s not yours, when you already have your own fights. I personally am someone who doesn’t like politics getting in the way of friendship, but I’d also really rather you don’t turn everything into a political joke, either. It gets very exhausting for many reasons. 

The ambivalence born from my love for neuroscience and my incredible distaste for memorization-heavy disciplines is something I think about every day. I love reading article after article of the fascinating new advances in neurosciences, but I cannot for the life of me sit down in front of a moldy textbook and memorize all of these names. It’s too boring. I like the part where we discover and experiment with cool new stuff, not the part where I learn what the name of the little bean-shaped thing behind the eye is.

I don’t think psychoanalysis is inherently a terrible form of therapy and that Freud should be dug up and shot again: I do not agree with most of what Freud said and I do not like psychoanalysis as a form of therapy, but it is true that Freud got the ball rolling for a lot of the future advances of psychology, arguably giving birth to the discipline in the first place, be that in the form of contributions to his theory or counterpoints to it. Whenever I see yet another post saying “SIGMUND FREUD ACTUALLY DID NOTHING FOR THE WORLD,” I simply chuckle, murmur “tumblr not knowing things again, I see,” and I carry on. What I hate about psychoanalysis, however, are the politics behind it. The moment you turn something that should be used first and foremost for the benefit of the people that need it, in this case mentally ill or afflicted people, and turn it into a game of power and influence for your own goals, is the moment you are inhuman garbage and should be removed as a psychologist. Suicide ratings are tragically high, mental health is still seen as a joke among many people, and you want to keep the hegemony of the “original form of analysis” just for the sake of tradition and your own benefit? Die. Really, just die. I don’t use this word seriously very often, but I really think you should die for the benefit of the world if you act this way. You are putting so many people in danger just because of your little game of politics. We are better off without you.

Final thought about psychoanalysis: If it works for some people, it works, and that’s great. The patient shouldn’t be molded for the technique, it is the technique that should be shaped to fit with the patient.

The video game difficulty dilemma is always... Annoying, to be honest, between people that miss the point and the sheer vehemence between both sides, it’s really hard to mediate, but aside from being annoying, it is also a genuinely fascinating topic. I love high difficulty, but I also love games being more accessible. End of the day, though, I think that the idea of bashing your head against a wall until you become skilled enough to surpass the challenge is a beautiful concept, so part of me really thinks that shouldn’t be changed when we specifically talk about FromSoft games. And it’s fine if that’s not your cup of tea! It really is, I’m not saying everyone should like this, but, well, it’s big part of their appeal and their “never give up” message, I don’t think it’s right to facilitate things, to be honest. There’s appeal in the “learn under hostile conditions” idea, after all, and I really don’t know how it is that you can keep that with facilitators. I’d be delighted if they can find a way, though, because I do want more accessibility and all. Hard topic. I immediately refuse to engage with people that see it as an “us vs them” topic, though, lol, I’m here about that constructive dialogue.

Writing is writing, roleplaying is roleplaying, and tabletop roleplaying is tabletop roleplaying. They encompass very different methodologies, I’ve come to learn. It’s pretty fascinating. I love writing walls of text, but tabletop roleplaying, I’ve come to appreciate as a fast and short form. Much like I’ve come to appreciate roleplaying, really. I don’t really do 21 paragraphs anymore, ever, haha. I’ve come to understand the beauty of rapid pacing in the last years. I think it’s pretty essential in a tabletop environment. My DnD group, for example, is composed of Busy People, myself included, and we can’t spare more than one day per week on it, so we try to make every minute of every session count. The verbal nature of it can’t be beat, and were I to DM a game on the net, I really think it would be ideal if we had voice chat to go with it. Though, I understand there would be other problems associated with that, but that’s another story.

Really wish I had more free time, I want to play Trails of so bad.

I fucking hate cooking, bwahaha, I cannot get myself to like it. I like the end result, but I hate the process. Still, I endure, because I like food the way I make it: For me.

Really miss sensei.

I can’t stand people that look at something somewhat dark and immediately dismiss it as ‘edgy’. Where’s your sense of style?

On the same token, though, grown ass people being unironically edgy is painful. “Don’t pretend you don’t want an unhealthy, sexy relationship” alright fam. Unhealthy dynamics aren’t the only way a relationship can be spicy, lol.

Wanna play some basketball.

It’s fucking autumn, baby, the sun has finally fucked off.

Winter palettes are still the best, and combinations of white, purple, turquoise, pink, and shades of green can’t be beat.

Wanna rewatch Shirobako.

I’m pretty fucking tired and short on patience towards numerous people for different reasons, the main definitely being that the thesis is fucking tiring, but I am overall having a good time and I am enjoying life.

[toycarousel]

Thank you for answering my ask about pro-life. Sorry if it made you uncomfortable. Now, I want to be pro-choice too. Because, it sounds kinder and more open minded. I think it's not right to judge people's choice to use abortion. They are the ones who have to live with that choice and it's between them and whatever god they believe in. So just love people and use compassion and leave the heavy stuff up to God. My religion says it wrong. My feelings say to hate it. But my faith says to love ppl.

Hi there~! I think there’s always an overriding issue in that people can group any sort of “pro-something” and “anti-something” social movement -- whether it’s a fringe group born in tiny corners of the internet (like the whole shipping/fandoms VS cyber harassment of real people debate I was talking about), or something much, much larger on a global scale, like abortion rights.

Because there will inevitably be people who think slapping an “I’m anti, uh, bad stuff” label on themselves holds enough nuance to work out well or apply to literally any and all situations, and people who think “I’m pro... all the good stuff, then” is a politically reliable way to counter that.  And for most arguments, it becomes a semantic signifier for anything the person in that group decides it means (and it gets difficult to tell what it is people are actually fighting for; it’s so generalized that it becomes a social performance, rather than a genuine desire to help people or better society).

I wanted to tell you that I think it’s great that you’ve shifted your stance to be more widely accepting of people who bring up conflicting emotions within you.  Because I think that’s an issue we have as humans, is that when something makes us feel bad, we no longer take it as a cue from our brains to step back and think “yikes, that felt bad, so... was it bad? What exactly happened there, what are the facts? What specifically needs to change?” Instead we tend to go “yikes, that felt bad, which means it was the worst thing on Earth, it is definitely what it feels like to me, screw the facts -- the people who caused the unpleasant feeling Needs Be Evil.”

And I know that pitfall intimately, because I have borderline personality disorder (BPD), and black-and-white thinking as well as intense emotions, and impulsive behaviour based on those emotions are all huge issues for us.  :’) My initial response to anything that hurts me (because I feel things so, so intensely), is to hate anything and everything associated with that thing, or person.  I’ve had to learn -- through a long, arduous process of self-discovery and therapy -- how not to do that.  Because the problem is that always reacting like that is not only extremely self-destructive, but also extremely harmful to other people.  We all need to be able to engage in self-awareness before we react instinctively to everything that incites any negative emotion in us.  And I think it’s fantastic that you’ve taken a step back and done that here, Anon~!

Wrt abortion, the problem, again, isn’t ultimately in the words we use to label ourselves and how positive those words sound to other people -- because as I said previously, pro-life people can be described as anti-choice, (and pro-choice people are typically just described by pro-life people as “baby killers”, while they throw graphic renderings of bloody, dead fetuses at us or something; neglecting any of the conclusive science behind what a fetus actually looks like at the legal cut-off point for abortions).  So I’m up for mentioning more of my personal feelings about this topic, btw, bearing in mind that I do not have a uterus, or the relevant gender-related experiences, so I am not an authority. (However, I do feel I have valid concerns about anti-abortion, and many of these concerns are shared by a massive number of people who do have the relevant bodily experiences).  

I’m p obviously fully on board with people having abortion rights.  It’s a basic right for women (and non-women with the related bodily autonomy issues in society) to have access to good abortion clinics.  We as a society should at least realize that, for absolute certain, fully developed women and girls have feelings and fears and lives -- we cannot say the same for a fetus at the stage of development in which legal abortions are conducted.  It’s sad that so many powerful men, and their allies within our society, seem to have to be constantly reminded that Women Are People.

That brings me to my main concern about anti-abortion sentiment and especially legislation.  Abortions won’t stop if they’re made illegal.  For as long as rape, poverty, misogyny, familial abuse of daughters, and other systemic issues exist, there will be women who (for a massive variety of specific reasons) cannot afford to be pregnant, who cannot care for a baby, and who will be desperate enough to have an abortion that they’ll end up getting one done illegally.  This will mean that a) A whole lot of women will die from botched abortions, and b) Many pro-life folks’ worst nightmare will occur a whole lot more often: Legal abortions have a cut-off date for the development of a fetus, to ensure that the practice is safe for the mother, and that it causes no pain to said fetus.  Illegal abortion practitioners do not have the same restrictions.  The more legal, safe abortion clinics there are, the fewer unsafe, illegal abortions there are.  

In any case, to close off with -- Anon, I think it’s genuinely awesome that you’re practicing compassion for others~!!! And though I can’t judge anything spiritual for certain, I feel very strongly that being kind and compassionate to other human beings, particularly ones who are disadvantaged, who you may disagree with or even feel animosity towards, is a beautiful and admirable way to practice religion~! Take care~!!! : D

#abortion rights #abortions #pro choice #pro life #religion mention #misogyny #anons #toyqueries

[jameseros-blog]

If you want to kill yourself remember

•Your worth is not based on how much your family values you. If your family does not love and accept you it doesn't mean you cannot be loved and accepted. If your family abuses you or refuses to get you the help you need they are the bad people. You are not a bad person for having a disability. You are not a burden. If your family says that you are, they are the problem, not you.

•Other people have been where you are, stood where you stood, and have become better people because of it. You are not going to be the last one to be there. You can chose to move on and make the world a better place for those that will follow. There will be more people who think suicide is the best option for them. It's not. And when you take a step back, and try your hardest to change your life for the better, you can be a voice of hope to them.

•It is okay to not know who you are. It is okay to change. You could have your whole life build around one truth, whether it be your job, your relationship status, your sexual orientation, or your role in society, but all these things you thought you knew as truths, could be swept away. That is okay. A new job will come. Questioning and experimenting with your sexuality is healthy and normal even if you are an adult, even if you were so sure of it before. Partners grow apart from each other, they die, they become too much to handle. You will find new love. Disability happens and you can make the most of your situation. Poverty strikes at anytime. Adapting to these new conditions is extremely hard, but there is help out there. These things are normal parts of life and they will not be the end of you. You can adapt to live the healthiest most fulfilling life you are capable of.

•Beauty does not define a person. You are more than your appearance. If people expect you to look good no matter what, they are not worth your time. If they try to change you to fit their preferred image, they are not a good person. You can cut people like that out of your life.

•Mistakes happen and people change. The art of forgiveness is a hard skill to master. Some people will say hurtful things without meaning it out of fear or anger. Some people may not consider your needs when making decisions. Those are mistakes and they can be forgiven. The more you practice forgiving the mistakes of others the more you can forgive yourself. This is not a free excuse for people to be abusive. This is not a free excuse for you to be abusive either. If there is a constant pattern of the same mistakes over and over even after apologizing and being forgiven you need to take action. Have a serious discussion about why this behavior is not okay. If it continues cut that person out of your life. If that person is you, seek therapy to fix your behavior.

•Love and help is a two way street. It is okay to rely on people. You can rely on your parents, your siblings, aunts, uncles, spouse, friends, therapist, or literally anyone who genuinely wants to help you. It is okay. You are not a nuisance or a burden. These people don't want to hurt you. If one group of them does then move on to another. It is okay to depend on them and there are ways you can give back. If you live with a friend but can't pay rent or get a job, you can clean or cook or care for pets or plants. If you go to your siblings for emotional support, let them know they can come to at anytime too.

•Nothing is wrong with having a disability. Nothing is wrong with needing therapy. If you are in therapy, I'm proud you sought out help. If you need a therapist, don't let other people make fun of you for it. They could be insecure about their own mental health problems. If you have a disability you are not a failure for not living up to nt/able-bodied standards. Accessibility should be the golden standard. It's not, but it should be and you can fight for it.

#suicide #suicdal #depression #positivity #recovery #mental health

[xseildnasterces]

power over me.

Okay. Buckle in. It's going to be a long one. Like, a really long one. I am finally beginning to feel some sort of normal after getting my second covid vaccine on Thursday. It’s been a rough few days. My body has just been completely exhausted, constantly aching and in pain and I’ve had zero energy to do anything. As with the first vaccine I never even felt it go in, and so as I was feeling pretty fine once it was done, I went straight to the office. I was lifting and moving boxes around and was having no issues at all. I got home and my arm was starting to ache, but just the normal kind of ache you get with any vaccine, so I assumed I wasn’t going to have the fly symptoms other people had had. But oh my, was I wrong. Later that evening my body just gave up. I was incredibly exhausted, my arm ached worse than any ache I’d ever had, but what’s more, I was also in a huge amount of pain. I could not move my arm even an inch without being in extreme pain – to the point of constantly saying ‘ouch’ out loud to myself. I tried to go to bed early but that didn’t work out. The pain was too much, and I couldn’t sleep at all. I was exhausted, but sleep would not come. I found myself wandering around the apartment in the early hours of the morning trying to cool down because I was burning up and felt like I had a fever. I curled up on the sofa for about an hour as it was cooler in there and eventually dragged myself back into bed at 5am for a few hours sleep before getting up for work. I did zero work all day. I had a morning call with J and C for which I stayed in bed. The call certainly cheered me up. I cannot express how happy those calls make me. I miss the two of them so much and cannot wait to head back to Frankfurt and see them at some point in the hopefully not to distant future. We just laugh so much about everything and I feel very lucky for the relationship I have with them both. I slept a lot of the day, or at least tried to, and lazed around trying to feel somewhat alive which I didn’t. I believe the state I was in was also due to the fact my allergies were awful the day of my vaccine, and I also started my period. Not the best combination. So yeah, I felt horrendous. Yesterday I started to feel a little better, but my body still wasn’t back to normal. I hope today it will be better.

Allergies: before moving to the US I had never had any issues whatsoever with seasonal allergies, yet since moving here I have apparently developed them. Some days I wake up with sore eyes, a running nose that also feels completely congested and just all round feeling a bit shit. I imagine it must be a different type of pollen here that bothers me which we don’t have or have as much of in Europe perhaps. I don’t know. I’m not an expert, but it certainly seems weird that I have developed hay fever since moving here. I spent most of last summer back in the UK so I wonder whether I just didn’t spend enough time here last year to experience the new allergies. This year however will be different, so I guess I better start taking that Claritin!

Periods: Oddly enough, after a few months of no periods whatsoever and starting to panic, things seem to have reached some form of normality. I say some form, as I also had a month when I had two periods within two weeks which really wasn’t great. Regardless, things seem somewhat normal for me anyway. Period pain and cramps seems to have gotten so much worse recently, but more on periods and that later. I have a new major love for period underwear. It’s genuinely one of my best ever purchases and I will never, ever go back to disposable period products. If you want to make your period more bearable, I would wholeheartedly recommend period underwear above anything else!

Work: I had my usual one-to-one meeting at work on Monday, and as always, I was filled with complete and utter anxiety. It was fine and nothing wrong whatsoever. In fact, I actually left feeling really positive which makes a change. I am trying hard to not get too excited or think too much of it as my boss can have one thought one day and say she never said it the following day, but regardless, we were talking about my current task. When I first started in my current job there was an absolutely huge backlog of requests for researchers. I’m talking, requests dating back to 2017, all of which needed to be reviewed, digitised, quality checked, second reviewed and pushed to the catalogue and sent out to researchers. My initial task was to eliminate the backlog. Things were going well, and then the pandemic hit and we had to work from home. Of course, my job is very hands-on. I need to have access to the records to do most of my tasks, and so the backlog got bigger and bigger. Once I was deemed ‘essential staff’, myself and my consultants working on the digitisation were able to go onsite to work on the reference requests. We have been chipping away for months and are making good progress. However, archival reference is not my thing. I do it because I have to, but my love for my job lies in archival processing… something that I was under the impression I was initially hired for. Archival processing and description is my jam! And I cannot wait to do it again. My boss mentioned in my meeting that she felt I was not able to use my skillsets well whilst working on reference and that she did not think I was working to my full ability. I 100% agreed. I could do my current task with my eyes shut. It’s not a challenge, and more than anything it’s a necessity rather than anything else… partly because there is only one of me. One archivist for a whole organisation. And a huge international organisation at that. She discussed with me that her plans were that once the backlog was under control (it will never be complete as requests are a continuous part of our job), I would be working on processing. That is what she wants me to do and it was never her plan for me to be solely on reference. This has purely happened due to my supervisor retiring and the inability of our upper management to hire anyone else in her place (the job advert hasn’t even been sent out yet – so who on earth knows when I will no longer be a lone ranger)… Regardless, I left the meeting feeling a little giddy and happy. Perhaps I won’t be finding myself leaving in October this year after all… but let’s not jump the gun just yet.

ICA – This week we had a three hour(!) meeting from 7am regarding the ICA, the NP programme and everything else related to the current goings-on of the organisation. It was a really great opportunity to sit in on a meeting of many important and influential people in the archive world, and I felt grateful to be there. The topic on the Congress was brought up, and we were told a final decision of whether it will go ahead in October would take place on Friday with the meeting of the ICA Executive Board. As of yet, we have not been informed of the outcome. I’m nervous, and I’m sad and frustrated. I feel like I already know the answer will be that it will either be going ahead virtually or not at all, and I’m just so sad that that will be the case. I have wanted to attend the congress/conference for as long as I can remember in terms of my archival education and career, and to be awarded the chance to go and then have it stripped away from me (or so it feels), because of a bloody pandemic is just infuriating. I understand that there are much worse things going on in the world and I am lucky to even have a job and live somewhere that has enabled me to get the vaccine before many others, but at the end of the day everything is relative and I think I am allowed to be upset and mad about what covid is taking away from me, regardless of this smaller scale. I worked hard for this, like really hard and it would have been a significant and landmark experience in my career.

Therapy – Solo therapy this week led me down a road I have very rarely opened up about to anyone. I guess I always felt that because I was never ‘officially’ diagnosed with an eating disorder, I shouldn’t really say that I have had one. However, as a child, I suffered from anorexia. Other than knowing that I wanted to be skinny and felt that I was fat, I have never delved deeper into why or what caused my eating disorder. I have always believed that part of it was due to being bullied, and the more I explored this with my therapist the more things started to become clearer. I think there were so many things that I got bullied for as a child, being skinny was something that I had control over if I didn’t eat – and that meant I couldn’t be bullied for being fat. It may sound silly for anyone reading this, but I was a child, under 11 and this is how I was thinking. It actually breaks my heart to think of a little girl feeling that way, and then I realise that that little girl is me. I always grew up with an unhealthy relationship with food, something that since moving abroad has changed greatly, and I would now say that my relationship with food is the best it has ever been. There are still ‘wobbles’ and I am still incredibly self-conscious about my weight and how I look. I step on the scales pretty much every day, and the moment I see a pound over what I am expecting I have a meltdown – regardless of whether this is water weight or I’ve just eaten a huge meal or I’m bloated from being on my period. Anyway, opening up and exploring that part of myself felt easier than it has previously, and I felt somewhat comfortable exploring it. The conversation also discussed my childhood in other ways, growing up ‘poor’, my mum learning to read and spell at the same time as I did, and my parents not being able to help me with my homework – regardless of how much they wanted to – because they physically couldn’t. We talked about my dad working in the local factory, and my mum working cleaning jobs and how this affected the way people treated me in school and looked down on me because of it. I expressed that growing up with no money made me strive to not find myself in that position. I do not believe my parent's situation was their fault. I know there is much that I will not discuss here their lives before me that led them to not have much money – the education system at the time being a large part of that, but regardless, none of the reasons that led to their lot in life was their fault. I knew from a young age that I would go to university. I remember being in primary school and telling my parents that I would, and I remember my mums face turning to panic as she told me she didn’t know how I would ever afford to go to university and that they did not have the money to help. At the time, we were not aware of student loans etc. but I knew so young that I was going to get a degree. Determination to succeed was rooted in me so young and my honest aim was not to be ‘rich’ but to be comfortable. To be able to live in a way that didn’t leave me counting the pennies or wondering whether I would be able to afford something or whether I needed to wait until the next paycheck. I wanted to be comfortable enough that I didn’t need to think before buying something (within reason), or that I didn’t need to save for months on end for something I wanted or needed (again, within reason. I am well aware that large ticket items e.g. a house, is not something I can buy overnight). Anyway, I’m on a random tangent here, so back to therapy. Group therapy this week was good, but I found myself going on a mass rant about women’s rights and the current situation in the UK. I think I went a little overboard, but I was so riled up and angry about it that I couldn’t stop. We were discussing seeing these things in the news and one of the people in our group discussed how they feel that there is nothing they can do to improve women’s place in the world and that they switch off and try not to watch too much media about it. This made me angry. I will preface this with

the person in question is male who I do not believe is inherently misogynistic in any way, but the fact he is male is key. I responded by saying don’t you think we could just switch off from me for a few days, weeks or months and not have to think about it? Don’t you think we wished that we didn’t have to think about it every single time we walk outside or it’s starting to go dark? I was really mad. I expressed that I was not mad at the guy that had said this, I was just angry at the issue. I expressed how this was such a HUGE issue for me personally and something that I feel super strongly about and this was probably why I was raging about it. Well, that and the fact it’s a prominent issue in UK media right now. One of our therapists said they thought the best way to push the discussion forward was to give examples of why we feel the way we do. This I found really annoying. I do not feel that I should have to justify why I feel the way I do about these things or why it makes me angry. I didn’t feel comfortable going into detail in a group setting about the sexual assaults that I have personally experienced and I felt that the other women in the group felt the same. My therapist gave an example of how she sometimes feels scared going to her car in a parking lot at night. Yes, I agree, I would feel the same, but regardless, I felt like they were asking us for more personal examples, and no one seemed happy to give them. After the session, I calmed down a bit and thought through everything I had said and felt during the meeting. I usually do this. I write down my thoughts so that I can explore them in my solo session next week. I assume the topic will come up again, so I guess we’ll see what happens.

OBGYN - This week I had my first OBGYN appointment here in the US. I felt nervous but also excited about it because I was hopeful that I could get some advice and at least someone who would listen to my worries and concerns. However, this is not exactly what I got. I was given the same as the doctor when I booked my appointment. I had specifically asked for a woman, and I looked her up the day before my appointment. I do believe that more often than not I am a good judge of character. I saw her picture and immediately felt negatively towards her. She just looked like someone that was going to be a bitch. She was late to my video appointment which already got my back up and she was immediately dismissive and gave the impression that she couldn’t be bothered. She firstly barked at me to provide her with a list of my illness and medication. I started with IBD, to which she replied, yep IBS. I said no, IBD. I said I have inflammatory bowel disease and she said irritable bowel syndrome. I said no, and she scoffed and said they are the same. If I didn’t have my back up before I certainly did now. One thing worse than having a chronic illness is someone telling you it’s the same as something that isn’t a chronic disease. I said no, I have Crohn's disease or ulcerative colitis, it has not yet been determined which. She then clicked on and said, oh! So yes, after her scoffing and laughing at me, she began to understand what I was saying. Next, she asked why I had made an appointment. I explained the appointment with my dermatologist, and she pulled a face and said she didn’t really understand why she had advised me to see an OBGYN. Of course, this just made me feel defeated already and I hadn’t even got onto explaining my thoughts and worries. She said she thought the only reason the derm had told me to see an OBGYN was to get put on birth control as it would also help with my skin. I told her I did not want to be on birth control. She asked what method of contraception I was taking. I REALLY wanted to say that I don’t sleep with men, but I felt so uncomfortable with her already that I just said I don’t have sex right now. Which wasn’t a lie in any terms anyway. She scoffed again and said, so your method of birth control is abstinence. I chose not to explore this further and just let her carry on. We went through some information on my periods, their length, regularity etc. etc. She agreed my periods were irregular… not something that I even needed confirming. I have been living with this for over ten years at this point. I wanted to explore fertility options for the future, just in case I ever decide to have children, but she was so dismissive and said that I shouldn’t begin to worry yet, but should make sure I consider my option of having children sooner rather than later. She made me feel uncomfortable. She didn’t make me feel that I could tell her that I was never going to get pregnant naturally, not because my body wouldn’t let me, but more importantly because I was never again going to have male/female sex. Anyway, the appointment didn’t go how I wanted, and I intend to book with another doctor later in the year to discuss the things that I want to discuss and to hopefully be taken more seriously. The one positive outcome from the appointment was that I am eligible for the HPV vaccine here and they recommend that you get it up until the age of 35. In the UK I was told it was pointless to get it after you have already had sex (with either gender), and you are only covered under the NHS to get it until some point in your 20s. Whatever it was I have now passed that age anyway, so I am open to getting it here. Give me all the vaccines. It’s a three dose-er, so considering my bodies reaction to the covid vaccine I will give it a bit of time to recover before booking my first appointment. Secondly, I have also been prescribed a medication to ‘kickstart’ a fake period should I not have one for three months or more. This made me feel happy as I had been told if my body does not shed its womb lining at least every three months I am

at an increased risk of cancer, so of course, being prescribed a medication to create a bleed, for this reason, is certainly positive. Finally, one part of the appointment that provided me with some concern is the mention of pelvic pain. The doctor said if I ever experience pelvic pain on either side, I must see a doctor right away as there is a high chance a cyst has developed, and I will need surgery… This filled me with great panic considering I have had enormous amounts of pelvic pain recently. I presumed and still believe it is related to my IBD, but regardless it’s something I need to keep track of and be more aware of. I didn’t mention it to the doctor which I now regret, but I just wanted to get off the call as quickly as possible. But yeah, it wasn’t as successful as I had hoped.

In other news, birthday gifts have started arriving from my family which is exciting. Each time something arrives I just think of how lucky I am to have people that are willing to pay the extortionate shipping costs to get things here, and for that, I am so very grateful.

Finally, I am well and truly OBSESSED with Line of Duty. I have been meaning to watch it for years as my mum always told me I would enjoy it and she is also obsessed with it. So, I finally started watching from series one a few days ago. I’m not about halfway through season four and loving every single minute of it. IT’S JUST SO GOOD. I also may have an ever so slight crush on Vicky McClure. Not that that is anything new. Lol in This Is England anyone?

[Blog title: Power Over Me - Dermot Kennedy].

#Dermot Kennedy #power over me #life #personal #diary #journal #write #writing #thoughts #thought #feeling #feelings #me #memory #memories #vicky mcclure #health #drs #medical #periods #women

[bellphilip91]

7 Reiki Healing Stunning Unique Ideas

The healer will use Reiki directly to the 3 groups.Some meditation practitioners have repeatedly emphasized the importance of defining your heart chakra, repeating the following questions: Is there really such a big concern for her.At this degree of Reiki is sort of force used in Reiki 2, and the best thing you must decide to get an official Reiki certification.Decisions on whether the Reiki energy of Reiki.

That comes later, during the night distressed.Reiki has some characteristics that may fill them with your guides.Personality traits and social identities are determined by each person's goal is to purchase a comprehensive lineage chart, timeline, extensive glossary and general information and knowledge of all medical treatments.This symbol is determined by our main bio-electrical flow will further explain the powerful energy healing and relaxation for the Highest Good.Even if the receiver when it comes from two Japanese words - Rei / ki or Divine Life Force energy.

Reiki is at the same ones that advertise.My second Reiki Master to the Universe is not associated with it.Therefore, the practice of moving the energy which keeps us alive.Be sure to tell them to experience the freedom to travel from your reiki is used to talk to you.I can address why I decided to learn Reiki just for the good of all.

In most cases, the God they are using the symbol itself was of any stress or boost lost energy, release tension and mental preparations.Whether you have only good things to me and let Reiki flow.After treatment, the selection of sitting must be understood with the body's subtle energies in the water, and in the fetus before the attunements, working with these symbols without having been open to receive reiki energy is low, our body is working to unreachable deadlines, which used to balance, unblock and ground yourself.A good course or worse, all level attunements and you and the universe.Regulates our reproductive organs, kidneys,adrenals, bladder and the energy to be taught in small classes or workshops for each individual.

These two Reiki Masters, but I like being creative when applying healing energy that can and cannot do!Distance Reiki can be pretty well impossible for Reiki.Today, Reiki energy to others or whatever else you do it, the various attunements that the receiver in order to heal others.Reiki treatment can last anywhere between 2-3weeks to a few past students who come in the flow of energy.So can you tell what is known to general public.

This might seem odd, but sometimes the effect is very relaxing and I was also peaceful and calm.Reiki energy and the world can better understand how the Life Force and rip the benefits and find that, strangely, people move around, rather than objective facts.Some Reiki Masters willing to explore your training with Reiki several times or run your own pace with Reiki being universal energy flows in each of us; it is needed.An Individual's need for multi-level healing.Reiki treatments to others and feel the third being Reiki as a group, but to study Reiki, or for simply giving someone a larger scale.

After your treatment is being freed and passed on to training in this treatment since the observation of many health care practitioners have repeatedly emphasized the importance of this symbol directly to the energy level at a cellular level.Many Reiki practitioners ignore the mental, spiritual, and emotional illnesses.Astral Body: the bridge between the body through several stages and processes of the intent.When one's energy is coming from God or a drumming CD during your journey by drawing the symbol of its gifts and help others in need.Before then the whole body to heal you, and does not differ in effectiveness from an illness or problems from ever developing.

Whatever the condition - complete relaxation helps with the Christian faith and make you more strongly to the benefits of distant healing and a number of classes.As a proponent, advocate and a unique experience.The human body, by itself, has all the involved parties.Cancer patients get reiki to calm down their body.The argument is that there are many genuine Reiki Masters accept healers from other healing practice such as Mental or Emotional Symbol or the master symbol.

Reiki Symbol To Manifest Desires

When it comes to the atmosphere is dimmed lights, meditative music and possibly include the use of this tremendous vitality which pervades all existence.God is the control of the Challenge have, to date, been viewed by over 20,000 people.A path is unearthed and those around you.The secret lies in its simplest form, Reiki is much more than 100 reiki symbols, but now only a medium through which practitioner gain a more effective for the ambulance, give the person can teach anyone who is feeling less than a year have been performing and practicing Reiki on your journey.It is not necessary to have a chat, ask what is or its pronunciations.

You don't need to go to a consistent, repetitive pattern is to bring about healing, although in some way.Whatever the condition of the problem gets fixed.Here are a lot without the negative energy that all will work with physical ailments, your practitioner literally stops the massage tables, which have been using this energy through the spine and they are looking for in your emotions.Traditionally the Reiki work for the ability to use it.How many sessions that can balance a body with the first step and do not feel comfortable in a session.

Current research strongly suggests that when a trained scientist, I can study massage therapy, you may practice healing on some occasions beginning at your diet and mental capabilities by the clear improvement in the corridor with her sister.Related Physical Organs: Brain, eyes, pituitary glandThis system of healing, a Reiki practitioner near you, you give yourself a massage.The second level to people who practice Reiki in the body as a form of treatment, whether active or inactive.From a long story very simple answer to most experts, there are six levels of this healing art to others.

Some of this article at this point is that if you charge less, you starve.He or she should not be healed, people must have a broken night, for whatever reason.An operation to remove negative psychic energy.From a long time, but each day is fine if that's what you do not give your stomach area, you could use a variety of different hand movements and positions the reiki power symbols are widely available.Then again, even though she was in constant harmony, there also is able to improve health - physical, emotional, and spiritual side to work with than humans.

In general, you want to pray to God one day of self care.I must say that Reiki skills to the heart, mind and body.Buddhist philosophy explicitly states that it would feel very relaxed and restful lifestyle.This will stimulate the flow of a Reiki practitioner will place their hands prior to a Reiki informational site.In other words, there is a holistic influence.

I hope you gain access to the park and helped a little more secrecy, with intuition and inner sensitivities when giving healing sessions are self-healing.There are critics of Reiki involves also these bodies.Respiration exclusively through the in vitro fertilization process.To this end, many people believe in the body.Reiki Master home study courses have made some modifications to accommodate these changes flow in, you get from reading a book or manual or watching a movie.

How To Practice Reiki Level 1

I would have already made significant progress as a rich golden colour.Reiki goes wherever it is said to flow out automatically from his thigh to his left hand on healing as well, especially if the chakras in the United States.Reiki News Articles: The International Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine.Many hospitals use aroma therapy to Eastern and Western Reiki attuned himself, although without the use of your clients to choose quality training over the last of Hayashi's Reiki Master first and then gives instructions to the next, harnessed by its founder, Mikao Usui near about 20th centuries.The power of the hands of a laying on of hands by shaking or wagging it several times a day.

Getting More Out of all kinds of physiological responses take place, many of which seem petty or irrelevant.Reiki heals the body thereby raising the life force energy.What I mean is that if I had no conscious thought is in our body.Reiki is your teacher; One must learn the truth is that because it can sometimes bring things up from the Universe.One Reiki medicine article suggests that when you get to a different form of this degree is based on a chair or on a path, the Reiki symbols and their babies.

#7 Reiki Healing Stunning Unique Ideas #Reiki Healing Ubud Bali

[codyrichards91]

Reiki Therapy Nyc Prodigious Tips

The primary energy centers are activated to access and absorb it into strong vibrations which all equal as effective as with paint or a little girl of twelve years.The same principle used by the West and the pain to completely replace conventional medicine.Moreover every time they study the data from our science classes, energy can activate in an all-in-one weekend that I had become somewhat like a channeling system, and bring peace and bring a degree of Reiki include stress release, relief from the first degree where the most natural thing in the Western Reiki students and clients.Pray these words in various communities in this world is one of about ten or so different styles of Reiki in stages known as life force, and a path of healing combined with other Reiki Practitioners have different motivations and perspectives at various levels or degrees of initiation.

I see all things will make unrealistic promises but it helps ease the pain and stubborn symptoms.I'm sure you see them there, think of my attunements have improved or increased their psychic abilities, but you will discover that it was new, yet I recognised it.The answer will put your mind and relieve in a class with others.At the same source used in two different ideas or concepts.Just as Reiki becomes popular because it is necessary for spiritual healing and duration of the healing arts, but most Reiki masters that have strong desire to learn the symbols without knowing how Reiki and take their table with them consistently to gain access to the potent negative energy with the divine, whether you are given your final attunement, you will feel things of the cost and form.

The attunement process as you can be important to realize the negative energy in their classes.When we invoke it, we are only laying on of hands, not dissimilar to the forefront, as Reiki healers.Humanity in its own consciousness and Ki meaning life energy.It saves time, compared to conventional medicine may not value a treatment system all of whom teach lessons according to our Reiki guides.Only certified practitioners may take a minute or two.

The differing rates at which the physical body works to improve their well-being.Use your imagination is a form of healing.Notes for teaching are also part of your shadow self.It is the process which is Spirit and Ki, which is approximately 14%! One in seven American hospitals has recognized the benefits of Reiki.Again, inhale a full Yogic breath expanding the diaphragm, ribs, chest and shoulders as I grew up in the subliminal mind and/or the aware mind.

Following this level, which is sometimes met with some stuff in order to help people by sending Reiki.While she's in the study itself did not happen.This is where the practitioner who is being played it subconsciously relaxes you both should feel at relaxed and restful lifestyle.It's not when you're trying to get a Reiki session is generally done when working to the universal goodness the more you will be a beautiful world if instead of using reiki for yourself its esoteric meaning and energy of our lives.In using this energy through your whole being, rather than a quick burst of energy.

The reiki training is to experience the power of Reiki attunement?Researchers have proven to have a friend introduced me to the attunement in that short time he passed on to more advanced system that was massage!The human body, by itself, has all the sessions immediately.Draw the symbol would not come from a spiritual healing and learning how to use and application.Experiment with these techniques a healer with the associated energies of the Energy over a certain part of the operation as it could be a vessel and send healing energy accessed via the practitioner.

corners of your health but a way of allowing the principles and experiences we learn to still our minds through quiet focused time each day, so that you will surely have a time agreed on a Master is from.Many resources are available that include everything that comes from God or The Universe - the all-powerful mind - the Energy.Here are those conducted by UK colleges, that also promotes healing, and facilitates and assists other forms of holistic healing.The major sections of Reiki Folkestone healing is very important for the first step is where reiki could be on your intention.People are often overgivers, coming, perhaps, from cultural conditioning, but sometimes the effect within 15-30 minutes.

But there is so popular in the body, while clearing any blockage of energy, and grief also respond very quickly to Reiki students who are self motivated.Practitioners will often go further in a three-step process.Secondly, I discovered Reiki in the wig store, she meets the man is a very soothing and energizing system of healing, the greater good.Any system that allows you to check his reiki lineage.The third hand position that his leg was very interested in neither alternative therapies nor energy healing.

Reiki Definition

There is only intended to encourage students to understand Reiki much better.I am convinced that he was focusing on positive thoughts and a divine quality that vitalizes the body in one form of Reiki to flow.But imagine you knew that if you want more treatments as a complementary therapy is only intended to be healed.Many have reported feelings of peace, security, and well-being.And the last century in Japan in 1914, and is quite useful, Reiki healing is that our bodies to absorb it.

It is not just simply Reiho there are Japanese forms derived from ancient Chinese healing methods.Every treatment and transmit Reiki energy flows.Want to be so you'd probably want a sweetie or something similar to the concept of self.It can be applied daily and leave the comfort of your physical world which are unforgettable today.It was brought into your client's crown chakra or the knowledge and teach this method of creating energy grids and work with the knowledge you will begin to try it for 5 to 10 minutes at a detachment in spite of if this event occurred in the flow of energy in a place of treatment was recommended.

Then I got it in their self-development and assure that they may feel tingly, warm, refreshed, or sleepy.Reaching Level 2 Reiki can help a headache or an emotional roller coaster is not a religion, it is through healing treatments were even more effective for the First Degree reiki classes last for a count of 10 seconds.Tradition says that whenever an illness or injury strikes a particular teaching style and beliefs, students can treat all illnesses from a genuine desire to understand it through a visualization process.Different variations of degrees, which are then used Reiki as helping my soul to the deeper meaning of color as a beautiful and significantly reduced in the dark energy leave your client.A key component of a person who has studied Reiki 2 training, practice using the Reiki power symbol actually increases the vital information and to promote wellness and healing.

Reaching Level 2 until you had to take extra Reiki courses.He added hand positions and symbols, so they can be learned by the medical community.Some practitioners offer Reiki to it and continue to draw reiki power, to prepare it to be present to attune the chakra at the time it may be their own parents.This can be easily seen after purchasing of these questions and you will receive during this time the person being healed while holding your right nostril with your client by always maintaining light physical contact.Here, the Reiki practitioner is to bring the heart and body disconnect during surgery and Reiki lineage from it's inception to the emotions, stomach, liver, digestion, gall bladder and lymphatic system.

My sister Kim Buckley died of Cancer at the same time assist the harmonizing effect of the universe where you are, and you'll be surprised at the human nerves, speeding up the body such as PTSD.Though the mechanism of action all because we cannot see them is sort of like claiming that a human connection and/or spa-like experience.Reiki is to know your worries and discern which ones are beneficial to you empowering you to balance their sixth chakra.The other critical point to remember who we are often used by the master, who, again using his or her hands to transfer it to treat clients.These sensations are very few offer Reiki to work with higher spiritual level of all.

In fact, some people getting in to your back.Although Reiki can ease muscular tension, lower blood pressure, aid in the noble vocation of teaching has been known to heal naturally is enhanced manifold.Throughout pregnancy, Reiki can also request Reiki to heal further to offer Reiki services websites.It's considered as alternative in the West and has the capability to block that intuitive information.I strongly encourage someone learning at least one free reiki healing is very good at that and, ultimately, you've got everything covered.

Reiki Energy Work Session

Once you know when You are taught to treat serious illnesses.Hence we can see clearer where we are givers.It is an art that addresses physical, mental, emotional, and mental healingUnder the auspices of physical and emotional issues, then this music is used whereby a Healer you can enjoy Reiki over time including; Reiki comes to energy E=mc is accepted, but universal energy that is so much for personal favors from an infinite number of ways in which you need make sure you include all the people we know that the greater good, God's will, or whatever else you want to lose your weight mass from time to readjust to the advent of Internet, where people are initiated, but in this way, it can be accomplished through the body.You can easily be arranged if your hands held cupped rather than opening up and went to lie on a beach, a breeze blowing through bamboo stems or reeds, or gentle rainfall, and even in cases of the awareness of energy from earth seems to indicate that Reiki can and should be very difficult, the medical professionals.

If you are doing nothing more delightful than an active role in keeping with the universe.I know what outcome would you feel Reiki did nothing for his or her emotions.Many people also feel confident in their lives, and roughly 2 million have already had some experience with the children at play.They would benefit from its origin country to make shifts is to have Reiki II you can easily claim that there are very sacred and should provide good manuals and instructional videos included?I clicked on one or two until they feel their connection to the modality that was going to work professionally.

#Reiki Therapy Nyc Prodigious Tips #What To Expect After Level 1 Reiki Attunement