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32 ain’t so bad.

Today has been just wonderful.

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It’s been an insane six months.

I have learnt a lot.

I’ve also learned some not so great lessons.

But life goes on.

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2023 in Review

Well here we are. 2023 was quite the rollercoaster. Lot’s of ups and downs and my Christmas trip did not exactly go as planned. The last time I saw my grandma was on Christmas Day, and I am so very glad that I went to visit her that day, as it would be the last time that I ever saw her alive. A couple of days later she passed away, still living alone in her own home, and peacefully from what we can gather. It has been a difficult few weeks since then. Arranging the funeral, writing the eulogy and then reading some of it at the service. It has also been full of trips to my grandmas house to start going through things and finding what we needed for all the other processes that you have to go through once someone passes away. There are many feelings around all of this, but I also don’t want to think too much into that right now as this post is supposed to be more about what goals I met from last year, and a quick summary of the state of things.

2023 started with me and mum watching a movie whilst everyone else went out for New Year’s Eve. I was more than happy with this. I had a great relationship with my Team Lead, work was great in general, I was very happy with my life in the US, I was looking forward to my work trip to Abu Dhabi, and lots of other planned trips, a wedding in Michigan, visits to H and so much else, however, just over half way through the year, things went wrong. As it stands, my work environment right now is incredibly traumatic and toxic, we have a new boss who I’m not a huge fan of, my Team Lead and I no longer communicate, I no longer have any grandparents and coming back to the US was not something I looked forward to as much as usual. Like I said, it’s been a ride. However, some things in my life are good, and for those I am very grateful for. I have developed some amazing relationships at work - with people who have really helped me through the initial process of the fall out of myself and my Team Lead and they are also still helping me through it. I do hope that it doesn’t turn into a formal process at work, but time will tell. I am so very grateful for my family and my friends and the people in my life who support and love me no matter what. All of those special people who I started 2023 with are still in my life and that is so important to me. I also got to travel and experience so many things in 2023 which I am also incredibly pleased about, and one relationship in my life has taken a huge turn for the better and I am now starting 2024 in a much better place in regards to that.

2024 looks to be a good year for travel. Next month I will be heading to Lapi for a wonderful winter experience, possibly taking a trip to New Orleans in March to visit a friend, I will likely go away for my birthday in April, I have a conference in the Netherlands in May, there is a wedding in Spain in July, we are planning a family holiday for September, K will be visiting in October and there will likely be a special trip in November. I am sure there will also be lots of little trips in between. 2024 is going to be a travel year that’s for sure. 

Anyway, lets see what happened to my goals from 2023. I will start by saying this year was really not very successful:

Get a tattoo - nope, I’ve been researching who I want to do it though, so that’s progress right?

Visit a new country - yes! I went to the UAE for a conference which was an amazing experience (I had been to Abu Dhabi airport before, but that doesn’t count)

Pass my theory driving test - nope. I’m now not sure whether I want to do my driving test in the UK or the US, so because of this I stopped doing my revision for the UK test

Complete the 1 book a month challenge - nope, although I tried. It will be on the list again for 2024 though of course.

Read all articles saved in my ‘pocket’ account - I honestly don’t think I even looked at it

Create a budget and limit excessive spending

Get our ICA-NP research study published - sort of - It was accepted for publication, but it will not be published officially until this year

Try out a new creative skill - I don’t think so

Be more active - yoga, long walk or swimming once a week - I did start using a treadmill during the summer which I enjoyed, but then things went negatively in life and I stopped

Create a phonebook of my Bahamas trip - I should have, but didn’t get time

Yeah, as I said, not very good.

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My year is not starting how I hoped.

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Trying to learn to be proud of myself even more the times I made the wrong decisions. Whatever it was, it served me at the time.

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perfect.

I am currently battling intrusive thoughts. Thoughts of never wanting to wake up, of wanting it all to just end. 

I met with my psychiatrist yesterday. She upped my usual medication, and also encouraged me to take the much stronger acute medication that she prescribed me last time I saw her. I have been very hesitant to do so due to the possibility of addiction, yet she has assured me that both her and my therapist think I will be fully safe taking the medication and show no signs of being prone to any form of addiction. To that, I certainly agree. After the appointment I decided that I will take that medication once I am back in the US and know that I need to be in the office. She wants me to stay home as long as possible. I’m not sure how long I could push it. I also don’t want to be out of the country when the new boss starts, or when the new team member starts. 

Currently I am in the UK and on sick leave. It was not a planned visit at all, but a necessary one. I simply could not face a 14-15 hour flight back to DC after my work trip to Abu Dhabi. I need caring for right now. I need people around me that love me. I need to feel safe and wanted. I need to recover from this emotional rollercoaster and heal. I need to let people take care of me. 

I’m hurting a lot right now, and I’m not sure when this will end. The thought of going back to work fills me with so much dread. Seeing his name pop up in an email sends me into a panic, his lack of response to any work emails and removing me from meetings increases my already off the charts anxiety. I love my job, and I really miss it dearly, however, I don’t know how to enjoy it when he is there. He says he will be leaving and he is currently looking for another job but so far no such luck. I need him to leave now. Ideally, I want him to have left by the time I go back to DC, but I don’t think there is much chance of that happening. I just hope with everything that I have that he has decided to stay. At this point, I have no idea of his intentions. I have not spoken to him for almost two months at this point. 

I’m glad to be home, but I feel a sense of longing. I miss my job, I miss my old day to day life before he ruined everything. I want everything to go back to normal, but it can’t. Not now. 

My therapist posed the question of whether I was letting him ‘get away with it’ by ‘hiding’ and not being in the office. She said I need to take charge of the work (which is not being done by him right now - he never seems to be in the office, and when he is he never seems to be doing anything) and ensure things are running as smoothly as possible, but I don’t think I can do that right now. Right now I just want to lie in bed and die. Yet regardless, the day will come when I need to fly back across the ocean, hold my head high and walk back into the office. When that day comes I will need to discuss the current breakdown of communication between us and how we need to fix it - at least in a way that enables us to do the work - until he bids us all farewell and we cheer that he has gone. (Of course there will be mixed feelings around this).

I find myself bursting into tears at random times with no way to stop the tears falling down my face. I wake up feeling crushed and hurt all over again. 

This whole thing is creating a Crohn’s flare, something that I had done so well to avoid since starting my injections, but now it seems my body is not coping with the stress, anxiety and depression. It is no surprise of course because I feel like every part of my body right now is not coping. I, am not coping. I just want it all to be over. I want some normalcy in my life. I want to feel pretty, to feel loved and wanted. I don’t want to be used and disrespected. 

But most of all, I just want to be happy. 

[Blog title: Perfect - The Veronicas].

#life #thoughts #feelings #diary #journal #me #love #relationships #depressed #anxiety #perfect #work #the veronicas

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cruel.

Here we are. My favourite month of the year, but this year is different. Right now I am in the middle (maybe only the start) of the worst depressive episode I have experienced in a very long time. The one stable happy place in my life (work), is no longer that. Instead, it is anything but that right now. I am currently experiencing panic and anxiety in ways that I have never experienced before and I am unable to properly function for most of the hours of the day. Instead, I sit and I cry… and I cry. I cannot stop.

What have I learned over the last month or so? Do not trust anyone. Men are pretty much all the same (no matter what sort of relationship, or friendship you have with them). People will tell you what you want to hear and pretend they never said it when things get tough. You will get blamed when things go wrong. You will be the one to suffer in the long run. You will be the one who feels broken, wants to die and wishes they no longer existed, whilst the other person gets on with their life as though you never meant anything to them - despite the lies they told you in the middle of it all.

It’s been a month since this all blew up. A month of hating being at work, and doing everything I can to get behind my office door before bursting into tears unable to stand or speak. A month of attending awkward meetings, being constantly ignored and treated like sh*t. A month of knowing that I was now going to be going to Abu Dhabi alone, that someone I saw as a really close friend would be leaving and the team would be back to square one with no staff. A month of questioning whether I even want to stay here anymore. There are so many things that no longer bring me happiness, that before made me so. 

My month has been full of extra therapy sessions, speaking with a psychiatrist, starting new medications and upping my previous dosages of anxiety medication. I have been diagnosed as being in a severe depressive state with heightened anxiety and panic disorder. My mornings now start with severe panic attacks that raise my heart rate to ridiculous levels. My hands shake, my body shakes, I feel dizzy, lightheaded and unstable. I don’t really remember tears quite like those that fall from my eyes on a daily basis right now. The sort of tears that you see in animated films, large water droplets that soak my pillowcases and fall onto my chest. The pain I am feeling is indescribable. 

The only way I get through the days at work is by blasting music into my ears and doing all I can to block out everything else. It works sometimes, but not often. I have tried so hard to keep this whole situation to myself, but failed miserably. C hugged me one day in the office when I emerged from another distraught crying session behind my closed door. She said she knew. I didn’t need to even tell her, she just knew. She has become the only person at work that I can speak to about this whole situation. She has been incredibly supportive, despite it not making the worst possible situation all that much better.

I had been so excited for the trip to Abu Dhabi. I was excited to be there with someone I had a great relationship with and who shared so much in common with me. I was so happy, as always, to have a friend, yet of course, nothing good lasts forever (as my mum so often tells me). Instead, I will be boarding a thirteen-hour flight this week alone. Being alone is not something that is working well for me right now. I unintentionally fast for the two days of the weekend. I lay in bed, don’t get dressed, don’t shower or do anything other than lay and cry. My friends and family call, but it sometimes just makes me cry more. Right now I need people. I need to be looked after, I need help to get through this. Living alone is amazing, but when you are hurt and need people, you begin to realise the issues with living so far from everyone that loves you. 

Major takeaways from this experience:

Don’t trust anyone

People are not always who they say they are

The self-titled ‘good guys’ usually aren’t that

No one ever cares as much as they say

People can switch how they treat you overnight with no real explanation

People will trample all over you to save themselves, no matter what they say to the contrary 

When something seems too good to be true, that’s because it is

Strawberries will never taste the same to me ever again. And the country of Japan has been tainted beyond belief.

N.B. I usually reread and edit my posts to check they make sense and correct language etc. I have not done so for this post as I just needed to write and get things out. Plus, I do not want to reread it.

[Blog title: Cruel - The Veronicas].

#cruel #the veronicas #life #thoughts #feelings #depression #emotions #hurt #thought #journal #diary

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I am not doing well.

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My life is a disaster.

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I don’t remember the last time I was truly happy.

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dance macabre.

Lets see how much I can write before M calls me in half an hour. I cannot remember if I wrote this yesterday or not, but because even if I did I will write it again because I’m so excited! M and I finally got approved to go to Abu Dhabi in October for a conference. I cannot wait. I am slightly annoyed that they will not allow us to fly business (the principle of the issue because other people get to fly business for conferences, but I digress). Either way, we are going and I am excited about it.

Anyway, back to being home… and Download! Download was so much fun. We stayed in the RIP area again this year and I honestly cannot see myself going back to normal camping after experiencing RIP for the last two years. Another change to the normal schedule, my mum and sister came! I had such a great time. Download really is my happy place. No matter what is going on in my life, nor what is getting me down or causing me stress, Download just gives me the time I need, and freedom to just ‘be’. I always feel this way. I feel so relaxed and happy there even when I am on my own. It’s also one of the only places that I don’t feel anxiety. I can wander around alone, shop, watch bands and just hang out alone and still feel perfectly fine. Download is only just over, but I am already excited and ready for next year - because of course I have already bought my ticket. This year was the 20th anniversary of Download, and it was the busiest I have ever seen it. I must admit that I hope that it isn’t as busy next year when we go back to the usual three days instead of four. It was so busy that I never even managed to enter the onsite co-op because the queue was almost constantly an hour along, as was the march stand. There was just so many more people than usual, and traffic on the way was insane. Some people were waiting in traffic for over 7 hours! Thankfully it was only 2 for us, but even still, I had never experienced traffic like that on the way to Download ever before. The reason is was so crazy is because, as mentioned already, it was the 20th anniversary and because Metallica were playing it was four night (Metallica played two nights - do not get me started on that). I’m never a big watched of headliners, and this year was the same. I did watch all of BMTH which I honestly thought was amazing. So much better than when I saw them at one of my early years at the festival, I watched some of Metallica because everyone else was watching them (but only for one of the nights, I went back to the tent on the other night), and then watched a little of Slipknot before heading to the Guest Area to hang out and drink hot chocolate on the last night.

Despite the crazy amounts of people and all the extra TV screens, barriers and whatever else, I still managed to get the barrier - on my own - for Within Temptation, and Placebo, for which I was super happy about. I also got to see Erica and Ghost for the first time, both of which I loved so much. Ghost were so fun and I danced like crazy. My arms were hurting after the last night and my feet felt like they were about to drop off, but as always, it was more than worth it and I wouldn’t change a thing. I don’t think I can ever explain to people just how much this festival means to me and how much joy and happiness it brings me. 

I ate far too much rubbish food, spent the first evening and start of the second morning throwing up into the tent bin - which was horrendous, and started with what seemed like the worst cold I had ever experienced, but that didn’t take away from the weekend. I loved having K and my mum there and I love that my mum enjoyed it so much. It was also nice that she had access to disability platforms etc because of her medical condition. I think this made it better for her as standing for so long can be difficult for her these days. 

The weather was also insane. The Saturday and Sunday were so hot that we all spent time back at the tents trying our best to find any tiny bit of shade that we could in order to not die. It was actually unbearable a lot of the time. So many people fainted, got heatstroke, didn’t drink enough water or were just passed out somewhere. I skipped a few bands too because I couldn’t cope with standing in direct sun any longer - thankfully it wasn’t anyone that I was really wanting to see, because if that had been the case I would have stood in the sun regardless! God knows how much water I drank that weekend, nor how much money I spent on it.

Regarding the ‘cold’ that I appeared to get, it appears that the Download lurgy has struck down numerous people, all of whom, like me, are currently on antibiotics for it in the hope that it will go away. The weather made the dust horrendous and breathing that in for numerous days clearly did not do anyone's lungs very good. It seems to have greatly irritated my sinuses and everything else and because of my compromised immune system, my doctor just wanted to be sure that I had antibiotics to get rid of anything that was causing problems. I have been on them for 4 days so far and I don’t seem to be any better… so that will mean another trip to the doctor in a week's time. Oh well, let’s see what happens!

[Blog title: Dance Macabre - Ghost].

#ghost #download #downloadfestival #life #life update #me #personal #diary #journal #danec macabre #dance macabre #feelings #thoughts #thought #download festival #festival season

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pretty fly (for a white guy).

My Saturday writing is hard when I am back in the UK. I don’t have the same time to just sit and write as I do when I am in DC, so here we are, almost a month exactly since I last wrote. It’s been a whirlwind of a few weeks, flying everywhere and keeping busy. 

I flew into the UK and within two days I was at Slam Dunk with my sister. It was my first time at Slam Dunk and I had the best time. I was most excited for The Offspring - basically, the whole reason I decided to go - but it ended up being amazing all around. I love festivals so much. I cannot express how much freedom I feel. Life and everything can just be forgotten about and I can be me, be free and just have fun. K drove us down and the traffic was crazy, but we made it and I got to see most of the bands I wanted to see. Some of our friends that we have known for years were there and we eventually managed to meet up with them (the signal was diabolical and I essentially could not contact anyone all day).

We all watched a few bands together and danced like crazy to The Offspring which was just so much fun. However, K cannot go anywhere without some form of disaster, so during the third to last song someone being a complete idiot stomped through the crowd and stomped right on her previously broken ankle. She went white, nearly fainted and couldn’t stand. We were so far in the crowd and the songs were the biggest songs of the set. There was no way at all I could get her out. I got her sat on my feet and our friends helped circulate to ensure no one else stood on her, but the problem in such a crowd is that you have to move with it. You can’t just stand still. It was difficult but we made it through and then C and I carried K out to the medical tent. The medical staff were incredible and after she had been seen by the Dr they advised that she needed to wait a while before they can make a decision about whether she needed to get an ambulance to the hospital.

So, the circumstances… K had driven us down. I cannot drive. Mum and Dad had had a drink and they could not come and get us. We were a good few hours away. C and his brother had come on the bus and C lives in Leeds. I was going through all the options in my head. I would need to go to the hospital with K, and C would have to drive K’s car and at least take it to his house…. My head was in overdrive. Thankfully, none of this needed to be even thought about. The Dr said she could go home as long as she went to the hospital for an X-ray in the morning, however, he didn’t know that she was the one driving - and we did not tell him that either… we just all wanted to get out of there. That was issue number 1.

Issue number 2 came with the disorganisation of the car parking situation. We were incorrectly directed to the wrong car park. So here we are, attempting to support K, in the pitch black dark (no lights anywhere), and going around in circles as people continued to incorrectly direct us. We finally found someone who knew how to get to the correct car park and we followed their directions - however, it meant going back through the festival area - which we were told we could not go back through and was closed. Great. The next step was to walk the whole way around the festival ground, through the grounds of some stately home (including a maze), in complete darkness, through a forest and all with K who could barely walk. It was hilarious and we were with the right people for it to be fun and no one got annoyed or mad about it. It was quite the story and quite the adventure. We finally realised we were on the right path, but we had almost another hour to walk to get back to the car park because there was a river right in the middle of where we needed to be. We made it back to the car at around 2am… after the festival ended at around 10:30… yeah.

Issue 3, there was a young girl standing at her car on her own and she came over to us and told us her battery had died and asked if we could jumpstart her car with ours (at this point we were the only cars left on the field). C had done it before on his own car, but every car is different (so I am told), so it was a task that took place with the assistance of Google and our parents to help us jumpstart her car. Thankfully we did it and she as able to drive off and was incredibly grateful. There was no way I was going to leave a young girl on her own in the middle of nowhere, but I also don’t know what the other solution would have been. I am just grateful C managed to get everything going.

C then drove us to his house - after a brief Mcdonald's stop, and K drove around the block to test if she could drive. She said she could, and so K and C’s brother and I set off back home. That was quite the journey. C’s brother gets horrifically travel sick and literally vomited the whole way. I have no idea how I managed to make it home without vomiting myself due to him. What a nightmare. But we made it. We dropped him at home and then K and I went home, had a cup of tea and went to bed. It was an awesome day and I had the best time, but oh my… with all the ‘issues’ that occurred, battling my jet lag and everything else I’m surprised I want to go again next year… but to clarify, I do. I also really enjoyed spending that time with K. We just had such a great time. Festival season had officially started, and I was already more than ready for Download.

To be continued...

Download

N & A's Wedding

Happy Hour with M

[Blog title: Pretty Fly (For A White Guy) - The Offspring].

#pretty fly (for a white guy) #me #personal #diary #journal #life #thoughts #feelings #life update #emotions #slam dunk #festival #festival season

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Saturday has become my weekly writing day and I am very much enjoying having a day each week that I sit down and write, even if it’s just for a short while. However, I’m writing this on Thursday whilst I sit at Orlando airport waiting for my flight home. I very rarely feel anxious travelling. I feel safe and in my happy place when I travel. It might sound weird, but I actually like the airport. I like seeing different airports. I may not have explored any of Florida (yet), but I’ve put my feet down on their soil (sort of). I was nervous today, I knew that I wouldn’t bump into anyone here, but I still that that thought. I had that worry. I guess I also had fear. What would have happened. Would we have ignored each other if we had crossed paths? We always said we would never do that, but things are different now, and I honestly don’t know what would have happened. I haven’t had to live out that scenario. Not today at least. I have over an hour to wait for this flight. My first flight was delayed over 12 hours, but thankfully I managed to get on a different flight in order to make my connection here in Orlando. As it happens, this flight is also delayed (thankfully only an hour), so all is well.

I don’t feel as excited as I usually do going home. I don’t know why. I think it’s because I am actually going to really miss work. I love my days in the office. I love spending time with M, and chats with the team, but I also really like doing my work and I feel sort of out of the loop when I’m not there. I have lots off odd conflicting feelings at the moment about a variety of things. I’m sure once I get home I will be more than fine. I’ll be happy and won’t want to leave. Living far from family is something you get used to, and slotting back into family life, although wonderful, can sometimes be jarring. I am excited for some of the plans we have though. I’m going to be exhausted this weekend, but on Sunday K and I are going to a festival which I have never been to before. K has been a few times and I’m really looking forward to it. I just hope I’m not too tired to enjoy it.

It’s been busy at work this week. S (my boss from IAEA) was in town again and he came and hung out in the archives and M gave him a tour. It was nice to see him and to feel like someone was happy to see me. We had lots of good chats and hugs and then I had to go as I had an appointment to get to. Yesterday P (ex-boss at IMF) came by to say ‘hi’ to everyone. It was nice really because had she come a day later I would have missed her. Everyone is heading too her house for a leaving party before she heads back to Brussels, but I will be away in Michigan at H’s sisters wedding so I will miss it. It’s a shame and I wish I could go, but everything always happens at once as usual. M isn’t going either which makes me feel a bit better as I’m not the only one that will not be there. 

I got my hair done yesterday and clearly didn’t allow myself enough time to get to therapy as I ended up missing it. I was pretty annoyed at myself, and also frustrated because I really could have done with that therapy session. Especially with the state of my head and thoughts right now. But yeah, I missed it. I got home and had half an hour spare. I was exhausted, so lay on the bed fully dressed and tried to sleep. I did fall asleep, right before my alarm went off. Up I got, and marched to group. Group was interesting this week. I really didn’t want to be there because I was so tired, but as always, I got into it and enjoyed being there. I love my group - which helps, but the topic was so validating. We were talking about s*x. Hearting peoples stories made me realise I was not alone in my feelings towards it. I don’t wish to go into full details about it right here, but I left feeling like I wasn’t the ‘weirdo’ or the one that has ‘something wrong with me’. I’m just normal. I feel validated a lot in Group. It makes me realise I am not alone. 

M and I put our request in this week for the ICA Congress in October. Keeping all my fingers and toes crossed that we get approval. I feel hopeful, but not at the same time. Who knows. I really hope we can go though. We were both chatting and planning for it the other day and we both got super excited. Anyway, my flight will be boarding soon and in around 8 hours I will be back in the UK with my mum at the airport waiting to collect me. See you on the other side!

#life #thoughts #feelings #me #diary #journal #life update #feeling #personal #diary entry #journaling #thought

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tattoo.

This week has been incredible. The months of stressing and planning were beyond worth it, and I had the most fun I have had in a very long time. I was so anxious and stressed on Monday, but things went well and I started to relax. I got to see so many people that I had not seen for a long time, and it made me realise that I was most certainly in the right profession, because honestly archivists are the nicest people in the world. 

We started the day with everyone except my two other Board Members arriving at the right building, which made me nervous because I essentially had to keep everyone busy and entertained alone. Thankfully it was fine. Everyone seemed so happy to see me and it just felt so nice to have people there who wanted to talk to me. I was a focal point and I didn’t mind. It wasn’t like being the centre of attention, it was just nice that people had appreciated the work that I had put in and the chance to see so many past colleagues was just wonderful. We had a few hiccups with technology, but apart from that all was well. I got to spend time with H, I got to see my first boss from the IAEA for the first time since I left and him telling me how proud he was of me was such an amazing feeling. I felt seen. I felt like my handwork and knowledge was worth something. It had paid off and people were noticing it, and were proud of me. I got to see V who I haven’t seen since I left the ECB and plenty of other wonderful archive friends. I love this profession so much.

I even went out!!! Two nights in a row I was not in bed until after 2:30am after games in the bar, eating lots of food and playing ‘two truths and a lie’ followed by a game of deciding who to kill, marry or….? You can guess the last one. It was just so much fun. I made new friends. I built on relationships with people I didn’t know so well and just had the most wonderful time. I cannot write it all here, but it was just the best. I enjoyed introducing M to my SIO people, letting him and H meet and continuing to build my network. 

I had so many wonderful conversations, so many people thanking me, clapping for me, and even ‘whooping’. This is not something I have ever experienced before - it made me feel like I had purpose. It also made me feel appreciated. It felt good. I felt proud of myself. I also got some emails of praise, even from E - who I never thought would say anything nice about me. 

It’s hard not to repeat myself, but it was honestly the best week I have had in a very long time and I am so happy that everything (well almost everything) went to plan. Oh, and I have a work crush. Not like a - I want a romantic/s*xual relationship crush. Just a work crush.

[Blog title: Tattoo - Loreen]. 

#diary #thoughts #feelings #me #life #personal #journal #life update #thought #feeling #my journal #diary entry #digital diary #journaling

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cha cha cha.

Another weekend, another weekend of being sick. I had such a long list of things I needed to do this weekend. Tomorrow is the first day of this years SIO Conference and although I love my role as secretary, hosting and being secretary on my own has been awful. My stress levels have  been crazy, and to be honest, I thought that was why I’ve been so unwell this weekend, but it turns out not to be case. That is due to something hormone related.

Yesterday was my favourite day of TV of the whole year - Eurovision! My love, my favourite thing on TV, the thing I wait all year for. I was so excited and happy and had been talking about it at work all week - major plus of working with people from all over the world - everyone is invested, well, except the Americans. I got lots done in the morning so that I could sit down and chill to watch. Almost as soon as I sat down I felt uneasy and agitated. I felt lightheaded and wee a bit dizzy. I reminded sat down for the next 4 hours watching the show, but any time that I did get up I felt awful. My vision went slightly blurry and I felt really sick. That’s when the migraine started. I then suffered with that migraine for the entirety of the rest of the day, night and most of today. I couldn’t sleep because the pain was so horrific. I was vomiting every few hours from the pain and I could have just burst out crying at any moment. I felt so awful. I still don’t feel perfect right now.

It’s so typical that all this would happen when I have to be on the ball and hosting 60+ people for the next few days. I didn’t manage to get a lot of the things done that I needed to be ready and I feel like I am going into this evening and the next three days incredibly unprepared - something that I really didn’t want to do. 

This evening I am going out for dinner with 2 of my fellow Steering Committee members, followed by ‘drinks’ with a bunch of the other attendees. Honestly, I’d rather just lay in bed and try and sleep off this head pain so that I am ready for tomorrow. Unfortunately I cannot do that. I need to host. At least H arrives soon. I cannot wait to see her.

I’m excited for this week, but I’m also stressed, very stressed. 

Tomorrow is my second injection day, and I am actually somewhat excited about it. The more times I inject, the more of the medication is in my body, and the sooner things will start to improve with my Crohn’s. At least that is my logic and hope. 

Eurovision was great this year. I loved it so much. Although incredibly predictable, I was devastated that Finland were so close to winning and the drama that ensued after the fact. Twitter yesterday afternoon was an absolute riot and I loved it. #shouldhavebeenFinland I also loved Germany but they came last. This happens almost every time, I think people still can’t support Germany because of the war. Which is insane (in my opinion).

[Blog title: Cha Cha Cha - Käärijä).

#shouldhavebeenFinland #eurovision #me #life #thoughts #feelings #personal #diary #journal #cha cha cha #Käärijä

[xseildnasterces]

stay.

I am so sick of what Crohn’s is doing to my body. Since I left the hospital at the end of February I have felt awful. My joints are in constant pain, I have lost all my flexibility and I will exhausted all the time. My body just feels like it is always heavy and it feels like such an effort to drag it out of bed each morning. During the week I do a better job of getting up - because I have to. But the weekends are something else. I don’t move. I sleep almost the whole day as a way of catching up on sleep that I have clearly missed out on during the week. I’ve never felt like this before. I feel like an old woman. Everything hurts. Since leaving the hospital, anyone that didn’t know me would call me lazy. I do nothing except go to work. My life almost feels like it doesn’t exist. What is the point if all I do is work and sleep? I don’t think I’ve reached peak depression yet, but if it carries on like this I can see it happening. I hope that when I go home later this month I can get myself moving again and start feeling a sense of purpose.

I started my biologics on Monday! It went so much better than I expected, and I am so proud of myself. I had two injections to do for my starter dose, so chose to do one in my belly, and one in my thigh. I’m glad I tried both, but going forward I will certainly stick to alternate thighs as it was easier and I didn’t like the belly one all that much. My nurse called me before I was due to take them and she took me through everything and guided me as I did them. I felt so grateful and so happy to have managed to do them. With my thigh, I didn’t feel anything. It was nothing like I expected. It was so much easier and I was just so happy to have done it. There was so much anxiety around starting. I thought it was going to be incredibly painful and something that I was going to dread every two weeks. Thankfully that is not the case. I’m almost looking forward to my next dose - in a weird way - because the more doses that I have the more likely I am to start seeing/feeling a difference. I really just hope they work.

I got my results back from my bone scan, and thankfully they were normal! I am so happy about this because I was very anxious that the constant use of steroids had destroyed by bones (something that can happen). I’m also excited to find out when I can stop taking steroids now that I have started my biologics. Hopefully my hospital appointment tomorrow can provide this information. It is weird to think that unless they stop working/don’t work, I will be injecting myself every two weeks for the rest of my life. It’s daunting, but if it works, I don’t care. I am just happy that science and medicine can help me live a somewhat normal life (I hope), once they kick in. My current challenge if working out how to get them on a plane and back to the UK. I ordered a medical travel case as the needles need to be refrigerated at all times. I just hope it arrives in time. If not, I cross that bridge when I come to it. 

The last couple of weeks have been stressful for a number of reasons, but a week on Monday it will be this year's SIO Annual Meeting/conference, and I have literally organised the whole thing myself. I am so stressed about it and just hope that it all goes to plan. Tomorrow I need to get the catering arranged and contact security about getting over 60 people into the building without hiccups. I’m excited for it to be here though. H will be here for the three days and is staying in the hotel across the road from my apartment. I cannot wait to see her and spend lots of time with her. The SIO Chair, M, will be here on Sunday and wants to take me for lunch to thank me for all my work. I’m proud to have the Secretary role - even if it can be stressful. J isn’t coming - which is a shame - but due to the way he acted in Rome last year, I’m not too sad about it. My frustration just comes from the fact it means M and I will have a lot more work to do during the meeting. This week is going to be stressful and I’m going to have loads of anxiety, but I’ll be heading home in just over two weeks, I get to spend 3 full days with my best friend and a bunch of other lovely archivists and friends that I have worked with in previous jobs. It will be lovely to reunite! And once the conference is over, I need to get packing for home! 

[Blog title: STAY - No Resolve].

#stay #no resolve #life #thoughts #feelings #diary #journal #me #health #personal

[xseildnasterces]

numb / encore.

Monday is the big day! I start my biologics - finally. It’s been such a long time coming. I’m excited, but also scared. I think both of those are normal emotions when starting something like this. I will need to do injections on Monday for my starter dose. My nurse will call and walk me through it on video call. I started watching some videos yesterday of people doing their injections and I think they made me more apprehensive and worried than I was before. I don’t know where to do my first one, do I go for my tummy or the top of the thigh? Which will be the least painful? Will it hurt? Will it sting? Will the mechanism make me jump when I press the button and the needle breaks into the skin? I’m nervous, but I can do this. And I will do this. I am hoping with everything I have that this sends me into remission.

I started getting severe stomach cramps this week for the first time in a while and went into major panic mode. Thankfully it turned out to just be my period. I have never been so happy to see my period before. At least that’s somewhat normal at the moment. Getting severe cramps whilst taking steroids would have been incredibly disheartening. Even though not everything in my GI tract is exactly as it should be right now, pain has at least been at a minimum - which is good thing. One thing that has not got better though is my nausea. It’s absolutely horrendous every single day. Today was beyond bearable so I took nausea medication to get it under control. I hope that once I come off the steroids the nausea will stop. If it doesn’t, another trip to the doctors will be required. 

My summer plans were set to be a trip home at the very end of May and to remain in the UK until the end of July. My plans got turned a little upside down when I got a wedding invite to H’s sisters wedding… which is in Michigan. So I had to do some re-juggling and I think I now have a plan in place. I am still flying home at the end of May to go to two festivals, and then I will fly back from the wedding and work a few more weeks, and then I will head home likely until the end of August. Nothing is set in stone yet, and nothing is booked expect my first flight home, so who knows what will happen? This is my current plan - although I’m not looking forward to taking three international flights back and forth in less than a month… urgh.

This week has been weird. My boss has left. It was not her choice and work has treated her like shit. I may not have always been happy with everything she did, and we had a few clashes at the beginning, but over time we got along and she was an absolute lifesaver when I was sick. I cried when she left. I felt so sad. It’s weird when you have worked with someone for over three years and they are just no longer there anymore - especially when it’s your boss. I’m anxious about what this means for work, for my team, and the future of our place in the organisation. I need to stop stressing about these things because right now they are completely out of my hands. I have no say in who is hired next, nor do I have any input on how things will be going forward. For now, all the rest of my team and I can do is wait. I hope this is a positive change. 

[Blog title: Numb / Encore - Linkin Park ft. Jay-Z.

#life #thoughts #feelings #diary #journal #me #personal #emotions #work #biologics #change