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extraordinarilyextreme · 4 years

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finally watched Guardian (2018) and i need to talk

Warning: contains MASSIVE SPOILERS, probably too much music/song analysis, my poor translations from Chinese to English, and some references to the original novel (disclaimer: my novel-reading was mostly jumping around because i have a problem where I’m not fluent enough to read the original Chinese novel and I don’t usually like English translations)

1. the freakin opening theme: We Won’t Be Falling by Chen Xueran... (also I see you Tina Guo on the cello thank you queen)

the amount of chills i get every time an episode starts,,, fantastic! marvelous! the lyrics are very VERY apt to the story of Guardian, esp this drama adaptation

(“We are the one/We will be holding on/For the promise we held for life/For the people we love are leaving” ... “And the story will keep on going”)

1.1. the promise? may i direct you to novel chapter 75?

Shen Wei: “Sometimes I think if one day you can remember everything, then I will be able to say to you: look, I did it, I did all that I had promised you; not one bit did I miss, not one word did I go back on.”

they promise to keep the peace, to protect both Haixing and Dixing; and in the show, it’s a promise they keep with their lives

2. Zhu Yilong plays THREE characters and is able to differentiate them perfectly with particular microexpressions

-Ye Zun (literally, “Respect the Night”; “Lord/Master of the Night” would be a better title) sets off my fight-or-flight instincts even though i think his name tries a little too hard to be edgy; the way he sneers, the smiles that don’t reach his eyes, also that infamous tongue flick when Zhao Yunlan sees through the act... i think it’s both great and sad that Yunlan could differentiate the twins because, why, Shen Wei would never be so openly flirtatious (and wear a deep-cut shirt like that lol)... the delivery of “Xiao Yunlan” disturbed me so much—wonderful, stellar acting

-Black Cloaked Envoy: does his best to bend the rules where he can for the Dixingren because he’s just so fundamentally GOOD; he’s empathetic despite how stern and strict he seems to be, and how much he claims to enforce the clearly-cut laws... he’s an absolute babie ten thousand years ago (Yunlan, doesn’t it hurt your conscience to flirt with such a babie?)

-Shen Wei: in the novel, his name (both surname and first name) are given to him by Kun Lun’s incarnations—there’s a lot of power in naming something, in naming someone; he’s good-natured and gentle, always polite... he pushes up the glasses [that he doesn’t need] a lot, perhaps because he’s used to pushing up his mask as the Envoy

2.1. i find it very striking that Shen Wei dies without his glasses; he doesn’t die as the Envoy, he doesn’t die as the Professor; he dies as a person, as the person who loves Yunlan the most and has loved Yunlan for ten thousand years

2.2. the other notable moments we see Shen Wei without his glasses are where he apologizes to Yunlan [and Yunlan apologizes at the same time because they’re pining idiots] for not noticing the camera in his office, where he sets aside all his pride as Envoy and Professor and kneels in the rain for the man he loves (lwj kneeling after visiting the Burial Mounds, yea?), and of course after he slices up an orange [cuz food = love] only to find Yunlan asleep and drapes his jacket over the silly silly man... anyway, Yunlan is indeed the only person Shen Wei is comfortable enough to reveal everything to, all defenses and masks (literal and figurative) lowered

2.3. that last instance (ep 26) is when Shen Wei pulls out his necklace and reminisces as he gazes fondly at Yunlan; the song that plays during this is 《乱心曲》or “Chaotic Heart Song”... may I direct you to novel chapter 65 where Yunlan finds all the paintings and pictures his Xiao Wei has kept from the centuries?

“邓林之阴初见昆仑君，惊鸿一瞥，乱我心曲。” which translates to “In the shade of the woods I first saw Kunlun-jun; a glimpse of his grace wrought chaos in my heart’s song”

2.4. but also let’s not forget the [in]famous cut wrist scene of ep 23, where our dear Shen Wei, without glasses, as a person who loves Yunlan—not the aloof Envoy or the well-spoken Professor—is reduced to two words: “Worth it.” Yunlan is worth everything to him; this goes without question, without a second thought. Kun Lun (Yunlan) told him not to regret whatever decisions he’ll make, and Ye Zun scolds and laughs at his brother for giving up his life for a human/Haixingren, but of course Shen Wei doesn’t regret dying to protect Yunlan, dying to protect Haixing. (also, peep the behind-the-scenes where Shen Wei grabs Yunlan’s hand for a moment as he blocks the attack from Ye Zun)

2.5. on this same train of thought, Da Qing brings up a line from ten thousand years ago where Shen Wei claimed he would never kill unless it was for the world... and, well, he kills for Yunlan doesn’t he?

3. Bai Yu plays our charismatic Chief Zhao Yunlan/Kun Lun and hoo boy does he do an excellent job; the found family vibes of the SIU are spectacular and the way he flirts with tries to recruit Professor Shen is endearing and touching

3.1. there’s another piece from the OST called 《一点真心》, translated to “A Little Sincerity” though I would use “A Bit of a Sincere Heart” because it too references the novel

Kun Lun’s confession to Xiao Wei: “我富有天下名山大川，想起来也没什么稀奇的，不过就是一堆烂石头野河水，浑身上下，大概也就只有这几分真心能上秤卖上两斤，你要？拿去。” [I’m rich with famed mountains and endless rivers under heaven, but none of it feels rare when I think about it. It’s all just a pile of broken stones and uncultivated streams. From head to toe, there is probably only this bit of my sincere heart that is worth anything weighed on a scale. You want it? Take it.]

Zhao Yunlan’s confession to Shen Wei: “我别的东西也有，只是你可能大多都看不上，只有这一点真心……你要是不接着，那就算了吧。” [I have other things, only you probably would not think much of them. There’s only this bit of my sincere heart... If you don’t want to catch it, then forget it.)

And Shen Wei’s reply to Yunlan’s confession is of course “我接住了。” [I’ve caught it.]

3.2. the novel is a happy ending because Xiao Guo’s important role actually plays a part (i literally don’t understand why the show couldn’t do that after they built up so many expectations about his good character/merit/inability to be corrupted but ANYWAY)... Shen Wei, Xiao Wei, the little Ghost King has a soul and wow isn’t that just beautiful after everything he did to become worthy/deserving of Kun Lun’s attention and love

4. the Zhang Ruonnan and Wang Yike (death-touch Dixingren) case in ep 3 is an obvious parallel to the “brotherly” relationship of WeiLan... Shen Wei’s line of “Many tragedies were destined from the start” references the show of course but also the paradoxical precognition that marks the drama version of WeiLan; in both of their “first meetings”, one of them was always already in love with the other—Yunlan, as Kun Lun, knew he would have to return to his own time at some point and thus doom this impressionable young Envoy to ten thousand years of waiting and Shen Wei (honestly in a Code Geass Lelouch kinda style) knew he would have to die to defeat his brother

4.1. the importance of “touch” in this case alludes to novel WeiLan, where of course Shen Wei watched over all of Kun Lun’s incarnations but wasn’t allowed to get close to him because hungry ghosts would inevitably devour the essence of the people around them; similarly Yike was terrified of touching Ruonnan all this time... but Ruonnan accepted her (just like how novel Kun Lun lets this intriguing little Ghost King trail after him)

4.2. speaking of Shen Wei’s grand plans and the idea of “knowing”, Yunlan reminds him that “You are not a weapon/blade, you are a person.” and wow once again, only Yunlan can pull the humanity from Shen Wei, who has carefully crafted his disguise and personality to fit what people expect of the Envoy and the Professor... but alas, Shen Wei fulfills his promise by in fact making himself a weapon; he poisons himself to become a bomb that will take down his brother

4.3. as many qualms and complaints as I have with Chinese censorship, much in the case of WangXian, i think i prefer the drama version of WeiLan to the novel version; the plot of the Guardian novel is a lot better in my opinion (with references to mythology and legends, as opposed to, what, aliens?? mutants from X-Men? quirks in My Hero Academia??) and yea the relationship of Kun Lun with Xiao Wei is built up a lot better and makes more sense than the time-travel of Yunlan masquerading as Kun Lun with Shen Wei... but there’s an unadulterated, unconditional kind of love that runs through the drama, whereas the novel had some darker (though probably more realistic) vibes of near-possessiveness and ulterior motives... Kun Lun/Yunlan in the novel can be, well, cruel, which is not necessarily out of character; it’s just seems a little wrong to me that you could threaten your partner in a relationship (if you keep things from me again, i really will turn against you + had i known xyz would happen, i really should have killed you)... plus i’m always a sucker for love without an “i love you”, a love that’s conveyed entirely through actions and gazes

5. Yunlan asks Zhou Weiwei (the mirror case) where her jacket was bought because he “wants to get one for [his] girlfriend” and lo and behold, what similarly-styled and colored coat does our Shen Wei show up in a few episodes later? (also the fact that Shen Wei dies wearing this jade-ish-blue-ish coat)

6. boyfriend jacket during the Moutain-River Awl case... boyfriend jacket!!!! Shen Wei claims he doesn’t need it and well he still wears it anyway because Yunlan’s love is unstoppable

6.1. the way Shen Wei grabs Yunlan’s elbow before running down the hill

6.2. Shen Wei being so freaking fine-tuned to Yunlan’s discomfort/pain as always that he drinks wine for him (and passes out immediately—heroics/bde of yllz! wwx and the alcohol tolerance of our dear lwj)

6.2.1. when Minister Gao brings up Yunlan’s dad and the Chief’s hands tighten... and of course nothing can go by Shen Wei, so he changes the topic of the conversation; also the way he leans forward as if to shield Yunlan

6.2.2. Yunlan is similarly Aware of his boyfriend’s boundaries; cue him politely excusing themselves from the dinner with Vice-Minister Guo when Shen Wei (of all people!) fumbles with his chopsticks

6.2.3. Yunlan also blocks Shen Wei from Minister Gao’s sight (subconsciously?) after that wedding showdown... even though he’s unhappy that Shen Wei has kept the identity of the Envoy from him, he trusts the other man enough to recognize there must be a reason; thus he doesn’t want other people to pry into the possibility that Shen Wei is a Dixingren

6.3. also, also that Shen Wei lets Yunlan have his way and use him as a pillow in the car once again (he also adjusts the actual pillow beneath Yunlan’s head to make it more comfortable)

6.3.1 the other Shen-Wei-is-Yunlan’s-pillow scene is when the professor picks up the poor hurting Chief off the road and in the taxi ride home... apparently this was an improvised scene from Bai Yu who just wanted to mess with Long-ge and our great Zhu Yilong just stayed in character and ran with it

6.3.2. the other notable improvised scene is the cute “Black Cloaked gege~ please be careful~ there’s someone is waiting for you at home~” [sorry that i don’t remember the exact line] but once again our great leading actors just stay perfectly in character

6.4. after Shen Wei wakes up from a night of being drunk (lol) Yunlan has left a note for him “I’ve gone back first, stay in touch. -Zhao” and what’s that on the corner of the note? why it’s a winky face

7. when Yunlan grabs the fake Zhang Danni’s wrist to confirm his suspicions, Shen Wei narrows his eyes... (lol is our Black Cloaked gege jealous)

8. when Yunlan claims he can swallow the painkillers dry, Shen Wei clenches his jaw in his anger at this idiot of a man for not taking better care of himself... you’ll find that a lot of Shen Wei’s anger is directed toward his husband being a self-sacrificial fool

8.1. after Yunlan uses the Hallows again and his nose begins to bleed, Zhu Yilong in all his acting glory has Shen Wei furious to the point that his lips tremble (cue Shen Wei angrily shoving a handkerchief into his husband’s face) [i really want to know if they ever broke character during this scene due to their proximity lol]

8.1.1. Shen Wei all but invades Yunlan’s personal space (he really does stand there between Yunlan’s legs guys) and he’s so careful even though he’s angry as he tries to stop the nosebleed; he’s aware the force might tip Yunlan backwards, so he immediately rests his hands on Yunlan’s thighs/knees to steady him

9. Yunlan has claimed that he doesn’t do things for the sake of gaining anything in return and yet every time he’s wanted things from dear Shen Wei... “take off your mask and smile for me”, “join the SID”... the sexual tension is Unreal during these scenes lol, you can see Shen Wei swallow visibly in anticipation + babie Shen Wei of ten thousand years prior all but chokes on his words when he promises to do ANYTHING Kun Lun wants him to do (honey where is your mind GOING???)

9.1. Bai Yu does have a bruise on his knee after the scene where Yunlan asks Shen Wei for something... dunno if it’s the actor’s bruise or the character’s bruise, but if it’s the character’s bruise—how did he get it? what exactly did WeiLan do that evening lol

9.2. also peep the fact that Yunlan almost always has a lollipop in his mouth when talking to Shen Wei... oral fixation much? (also the whole sequence where he tries to explain how to eat a lollipop to babie Shen Wei, wow the amount of homoerotic tension)

9.3. babie Shen Wei’s ears and cheeks are SO RED when Yunlan snatches the mask off his face

10. Yunlan’s hairstyle changes after Shen Wei joins the SIU (joins his family), much like how a bride would change her hairstyle after marriage in China ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (random note but CQL WangXian does this too when lwj puts his hair down/styled over the front of his shoulders when wwx wakes up 16 years later)

11. the first time we see Shen Wei spit up blood, there’s an echo of “Xiao Wei” faintly and Shen Wei mutters to himself “Xiao Lan” before looking up and saying louder “Zhao Yunlan” (nicknames/pet names/names only your family or lover can call you... this trope is good)

11.1. i also think a lot about how in the novel Kun Lun muses before he dies that it’s a shame he won’t see this Little Beauty [Xiao Wei] grow up to be a Great Beauty

12. Shen Wei’s funny little eyebrow raise when Yunlan accidentally reveals he broke into the professor’s apartment once ( “riiiiiiiiight i definitely believe you”)

12.1. though the ep 23 scene is angsty, the fact Yunlan says “It’s the middle of the night, were you hungry?” seems to imply their relationship is a lot closer than just neighbors... they’re probably used to sharing an apartment/room at this point :)

13. when Yunlan is hurt, Zhu Hong looks to him but he only has eyes for Shen Wei

13.1. after Yunlan is blinded, Zhu Hong is the one cradling him but he calls for Shen Wei first and reaches for his hand; Shen Wei of course responds immediately “it’s me”

13.1.1. both times after Yunlan gets his eyesight back, the first thing he sees is the person who loves him the most

14. Shen Wei warms up the congee in the morning with his magic after he watches over Yunlan when his stomach pain acts up (domestic use of magic? yes please)

15. the bomb defusing scene in the hospital (video game -> reality case) really is framed like a wedding proposal... also the way that Shen Wei smirks lol he’s so proud of his husband

16. after his Envoy identity is revealed, Shen Wei all but abuses his Black Cloaked Envoy voice to stop his stupid husband from doing stupid things that will hurt himself and every time Yunlan is properly sh00k by it

16.1. we really go from Chief Zhao remarking in the Mountain-River Awl case that he’s used to ordering people around, not receiving orders to married bickering with Shen Wei to then agreeing to everything Shen Wei tells him to do

17. the fact that “Shen Wei, ah, Shen Wei... You are such a good person, how could I bear to let you go?” is an actual line from the censored DRAMA astounds me, nevermind that Shen Wei just made breakfast for his man and Yunlan is basically pouting up at him from the bed

17.1. the way Yunlan’s dad warns him to stay away from Shen Wei and Yunlan responds with something like “he’s sincerely good to me, I want to be with him”... “be with him”???? [inhales deeply] yea this is definitely a “brotherly relationship”

18. Yunlan’s “WOW” after the Envoy kills the monsters in the cave of the Mountain-River Awl case is hilarious and i dont understand how such a noise is physically possible,,, it sounds like a growl?????

18.1. Zhu Yilong was asked to mimic it during an interview (which he did not do and only half-heartedly gave a “wow”) and then Bai Yu did it again

19. also i inevitably got attached to the side ship of Lao Chu and Xiao Guo... they have so much skinship for a censored “brotherly relationship” lmao

the amount of face-touching and hand-holding that they do is unreal... they’re more canon than WeiLan in the drama adaptation methinks

20. 《时间飞行》or “Flying Across Time” sounds like Yunlan’s reply to Shen Wei’s《只是太在意》or “Just Cared Too Much”

20.1. the lyrics of both these songs really cements this idea that both of WeiLan believe the other to be too good... Kun Lun was a god in the novel, and Xiao Wei was just a soulless little Ghost King... and then we have the incorrigible Chief Zhao pining after the beautiful and kind Professor Shen... i just have a lot of feelings about them becoming better people for each other, that their love really does make each other stronger

21. my favorite two pieces from the OST are Shen Wei’s theme (arranged by Kun Luo) and Kun Lun’s theme (arranged by Chen Xueran)

head’s up: it’s been like four years since i last even glanced at music theory so a lot of this might just make no sense to an actual professional

-Shen Wei: written in 4/4 time, Ab Major, melody is primarily carried by piano + strings; the piano almost sticks exclusively to triplets whereas the strings are in steady whole, quarter, and eighth notes—which creates in interesting impressionistic effect, kind of like hazy smoke or the ripples across the surface of a lake; every single measure uses decrescendo, so the first triplet is always the loudest and the three that follow get progressively softer (mimicking an echo)... the piece ends on the seventh note of the scale, which is usually a pretty awkward place to end and yet it doesn’t feel wrong it all; the piece uses a ritardando in the last three measures, and we simply drift off with that last G... i think it’s a beautifully written piece that perfectly portrays such a complex character as Shen Wei, someone who loved with everything he had, and was just so overwhelmingly good... and then he simply disappears as if the dream has ended. it makes me think of how he guarded over Kun Lun/Zhao Yunlan for thousands of years in the novel, never ever ever daring to meet him... and yet the other man always felt like he was waiting for someone

-Kun Lun: written in 3/4 time, a minor, there’s no real complex shift in the melody although there’s brief modulation into E major (dominant/fifth note); it’s a fairly somber piece, especially when the strings join in... it’s a steady waltz, and it finishes with the scale (second to last major is g, last major is a), like a circle coming back around [like their love story perhaps?]... there’s a finality to it, a completeness, a wholeness, which makes sense in the drama-verse because the moment Yunlan takes up the name of Kun Lun is when his love story with Shen Wei all fits together. the piece feels a little lonely in its minor key and all, a little sad, indeed as if you were standing at the top of a mountain surrounded by clouds and mist... the constant meter also reminds me of like the steady drip of water, the perpetual and inevitable passage of the days and time

-i don’t really understand how because the keys of the two pieces don’t fit together easily, but somehow it doesn’t feel wrong to play the pieces back to back; the melodies of both seem to call upon each other despite the differences in key and time signature, so it actually feels right. a circle without a beginning or an ending, wouldn’t you want your love to be so infinite?

-when yunlan finds shen wei in their bubble outside of time, when shen wei is about to leave him, shen wei is wearing the outfit of their first meeting. and the lyrics go “Across time, I am in the same place”... surely, they will find each other again.

#guardian #cdrama ramblings #zhenhun #镇魂 guardian

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nobody-wants-ice-cream · 4 years

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Everything Wrong With The Umbrella Academy. Episode 4, Man on the Moon.

We Only See Each Other at Weddings and Funerals

Run Boy Run

Extra Ordinary

Disclaimer: This is all in good fun! I wanted to do a really nitpicky re-watch of the series and found some really cool and interesting things I didn’t notice before. This is meant to have a Cinema Sins-esque tone. However, I did take off a lot more sins than Cinema Sins would have because I do genuinely like the series and the people that made it possible. So all of the good things got one sin off and all the bad things got one sin added. This is a really long post, so grab some popcorn. If there’s anything that I missed, feel free to add it!

I would also like to add, that normally you wouldn’t watch a show this way. I am purposefully looking for mistakes, easter eggs, and other things that we’re not supposed to notice. To be honest, I am seeing a lot of the things I’m pointing out for the first time because I am watching not with the goal of entertainment, but for analysis.

Man on the Moon

Tom Hopper’s workout routine. -1

What was Luther holding in his hand? A lighter? A toy? I can’t tell. It’s weird that they put something there at all. +1

Klaus knocked down the wall between his and Vanya’s rooms. That was the one thing in the house that said Vanya ever lived there and he destroyed it. +2

However, Klaus’s room looks really, really cool. Set designers, you win this one. -1

The bike. I have questions about that bike. When did Luther get it? Or did it belong to all the children? Sinning because no way Reggie would buy Luther a bike. Or give one to the children. +1

The shot following Luther directly gave me a bit of motion sickness. +1

Netflix subtitles have Reginald saying “Attention, Master Luther” when it is clearly Pogo. +1

“Mission alert” +1

Everyone else is gone! Luther has no backup. Reggie is a dick to Luther. +1

I know I should have mentioned this in the last episode, but Reggie put five young children in leather catsuits. Potentially six, but we never see Five in one. And he still makes Luther wear it as an adult! +6

Luther never leaves the house and keeps going on missions for Reggie because of a sense of responsibility. I can understand that. -1

However, Reggie was the one who fostered that in Luther. He made Luther think that he was responsible for saving the city, when in reality that’s up to law enforcement officers. +3

Why didn’t Luther go to a real hospital? Did Reggie take him home? How did Luther end up back in the Academy after that mission? +1

Was Luther dead? Reggie feels for his pulse and says “dammit”. Did the ape serum bring him back to life? +1

How long was Luther on that table? We see him with a beard in episode one, but it isn’t as crazy as this one. Also, does Luther bleach his hair now, or what? I am confused by Luther now being a brunette with impressive facial hair. +1

Tom Hopper nails ‘dawning horror and shock at now being an ape’. -1

Pop goes the weasel. +1

Who wound that box and placed it there? And why? The only other people there are Reggie, Grace, and Pogo. No way they did something so cruel and juvenile after permanently disfiguring him. +1

The umbrella the monkey-in-the-box suddenly has the title when it didn’t earlier. +1

“There’s something you have to see”. Yes Allison, continue to be vague. I’m sure Luther will appreciate it. Why not “I think the assassins killed Mom. Come take a look.” Is it because that would have been too logical? +1

Luther is still calling her “Grace”. +1

“Poor Diego. I mean this is gonna be so hard on him”. Choke on that irony, everyone. +1

“I don’t wanna discuss it”. This family. Allison said the same thing about Claire moments before telling Luther everything. Parallels. +1

Vanya spent the night at Leonard’s house. Sigh. +1

“For one day I’ll think you’ll be fine”. What makes you think that, Leonard? +1

Vanya takes one sip of her coffee and never touches it again. Leonard doesn’t even drink his. What is the point of the damn coffee? +1

“When I was a kid I felt like I had to apologize for even breathing.” Reggie is a dick. +7

“I don’t think my Dad ever forgave me for being born” foreshadowing patricide. +1

Vanya and Leonard talk in front of the Icarus Theatre. Comics fans, you know why that’s significant. +1

Helen doesn’t acknowledge Vanya’s greeting like a normal human being. +1

People are already tuning, Vanya! Get your ass in the theatre so you can do the same! +1

Leonard is stupidly charming. I hate that he’s sort of likable, but it makes sense for what they’re using him for. +1

The kidnapping of Klaus Hargreeves. +4

Klaus is too kinky to tourture. -1

Where is that blood on his chest coming from? +1

Ten hours of tourture! Fuck you show for making Klaus go though that. +10

“He’s a freak like his brother”. Which one? You met Luther and Diego. And they presumably know Five through the Commission. But which one is the freak into kinky shit? Diego? +1

“Remember Trinidad”. Noodle incident. (if you don’t know what that is google Noodle incident TV Tropes)+1

This motel has a surprising amount of towels in the bathroom. Some of the nicer places I’ve stayed don’t have that many. +1

Patch lives in house 204. “2” and “4”. Hmmm. +1

Does Diego show up on Patch’s doorstep being emo often? +1

Why is she still thinking about the 1938 fingerprint? We know that it’s plausible because of Five, but the police department should have thrown that out. It doesn’t make any sense and fingerprints can be alike. +1

She mentions the 30s cold case and Diego starts to look up in recognition. Even if he doesn’t know about the Commission or the Apocalypse, he does know about Five’s ability to time travel. He even mentions “The Boy”. Diego thinks that it was Five based on the fingerprint and his examination of the two crime scenes. -1

“For once, just try things my way”. Foreshadowing. +1

Diego hasn’t bothered to clean up the blood on his face from last night. Weirdo. +1

Allison is already forming a plan to kick Leonard’s ass the moment she sees his silhouette. Good. -1

Also, not the first time the audience has seen Leonard creeping around. Remember when he stole the journal? +1

Allison takes him down easy. Character moment showing that her superhero training hasn’t left her. Also, Allison is a badass. -1

Allison sees right through Leonard. This scene is excellent. -1

Lance has a really cute dog. -1

After seeing the shady deal while tailing Meritech, Five decides to tail Lance instead of just watching the building. Good job, Five. -1

How do you bill insurance companies for fake things? You need an insurance ID or SSN to have a patient. Where does Lance get these fake numbers from? +1

Why are eyeballs such a hot commodity? +1

“Names and numbers and I need it NOW” Five is scary. -1

Five jumped into the seatbelt. Did his powers secure it for him? +1

Five has a really organized desk. I wish I could read what he labeled the binders. +1

Luther decided to search Five’s room for clues. Pogo would be excellent at cinema sins. +1

For all we make fun of Diego’s stupid outfit, just remember, comics Diego has an even stupider one. This is the stupidity turned down. +1

The labels are now upside down on the binders when they were right side up in the last shot. +1

Either Five was a really good artist, or Reggie let Five have a poster above his bed that didn’t feature the academy. No explanation is given. +1

Five’s wallpaper depicts a boy pulling a mannequin in a wagon. -1

Luther punches a hole in Five’s wardrobe. This is never mentioned again. +1

“When you watch those nature shows does it turn you on?” Diego is a dick. +1

If you look really closely, you can see something that looks suspiciously like the ending to Apocalypse suite in Five’s room as a piece of art taped to the wall. I checked with the comics. It looks very, very similar. -1

There are two cylindrical things on the wall. One on Five’s wall and one we can see through the doorway on the wall across from Five’s room. What is it? Nightlight? Loudspeaker? Alarm? +1

Ben Hargreeves enters the chat. -1

“Stay calm, Klaus” stay calm. +1

Hazel and Cha Cha spent over 10 hours beating the crap out of Klaus but they didn’t think of the training manual, something Cha Cha clearly has memorized, until now. +1

When did they grab his coat? Klaus was wearing nothing but a towel. Did Hazel decide to grab it on a whim? +1

“Asthma medication”. Klaus is still coherent enough to come up with an okay lie after 10 hours of tourture. +1

“Amputee hookers”. Nice call back to the comics. -1

Hazel and Cha Cha don’t hear Klaus say “not until they're high as kites” when responding to Ben. +1

“Klaus, be strong”. Ben’s facial expression was really weird with this line. +1

Klaus cracks after 10 hours of tourture while going through withdrawal. Impressive. -1

The multi-screen effects look really cool. -1

Watching Hazel and Cha Cha burn down Meritech while high as kites amuses me. -1

Watching this later while knowing that Meritech doesn’t really matter means that I don’t really care about this building. I wish there was something to make this more interesting instead of just making the eye a red herring. Leonard hasn’t lost an eye yet, so it doesn’t matter. +1

What were Hazel and Cha Cha dancing to in universe? Was this song playing on the radio or something?? +1

Luther goes through the door that’s too small for him because he’s Number One and Diego goes through the door that would actually accommodate Luther’s size. +1

Vanya’s book should be way more beat up than that if it survived the literal apocalypse with Five for 45 years. The ink looks too fresh, too. Unless this is another, newer copy of Extra Ordinary? Sin for confusion. +1

Five got way too close to that explosion. Five survives this without injury. +1

We see him lying amongst the shrapnel for crying out loud! +1

Gossip magazines. “We’re doing fine!” +1

Tween Hit is still a popular magazine seventeen years later. -1

“Vanya, she’s gone” is the vaguest wording ever. +1

However, Vanya understands this. Sin on the writers. +1

“It was those psychopaths last night” weird delivery. Allison’s tone is off. +1

Does Vanya not have any students other than Leonard? She’s perfectly free on some random afternoon so she can have a drink with Allison. +1

Hazel and Cha Cha coming down from their high. -1

Cha Cha hates doughnuts. +1

Reginald Hargreeves put his eight year old son in what amounted to a tourture chamber so he would stop being afraid. Reggie is a dick. +8

Why is Ben stuck in the closet with Klaus? +1

The cleaning lady (her name is Claudia, according to a card she leaves) has one of her ears uncovered. She totally would have been able to hear him. +1

Callback to the screw Hazel threw away to remind the audience that it’s important. -1

Ben’s whiny bullshit. Now is not the time, asshole. +2

We know why the dog ear is important, but why would Patch? At this point it’s a random piece of fabric that might look like something she saw on surveillance footage (Cha Cha’s mask). Point is, that could be something from Meritech and not necessarily urgent. +1

Patch gets the message intended for Five about Klaus. When Diego thinks that the missing brother is Five and that’s who he meant when he was talking to her. Choke on that irony and miscommunication. +1

This show is shot like a comic book and I love it. -1

“That’s what you do when you’re 17” in this specific circumstance, yes. In others, not so much. You don’t have to leave when you’re 17. +1

Luther calls out Diego for not being a real grown up while also not being a real grown up himself. +1

Diego asks “You ever even been with a girl”. Diego is a dick. +1

“We’re orphans again, dude”. When were you ever orphans? Sin for the writers for writing this or to Reggie for making them believe that they were regular orphans he adopted legitimately instead of buying. +1

“Do you ever stop talking. Wow that was easy.” I wheezed.-1

Five is drunk in the library with Dolores with equations scribbled all over the place. No one stopped him when he started writing on the walls in sharpie. +1

Five has two bottles of hard liquor with him. +2

“Drunk as a skunk” +1

The comedic timing of Five’s hand letting go of the bottle. -1

“Jerk off on your Mr. Snuggles teddy bear”. First of all, eww. Second of all, yeah, Vanya these are all valid points she’s making. You just met this dude! +1

“But sometimes men are unredeemable shits” yeah. Sin for men and for the fact that Vanya doesn’t know this. +1

“Yay sisters” -1

What are Allison and Vanya drinking? Seriously, what are their drinks of choice? It looks like Vanya has something like a gin and tonic or a vodka soda and Allison has a rum and coke, but I can’t really tell. This is a sin until I know for sure. +1

That is a lot of extra blood on Klaus with no explanation. +1

Draw Ben like one of your French girls, Klaus. -1

“Is your brother here now.” “You’re gonna have to be a little more specific on that” -1

Ben’s wink. -1

Reggie is a dick to his adopted children. +7

Torturing a literal child and calling it training. +4

Reggie, you dramatic bitch. +1

Warrants exist for a reason, Patch. +1

Also, Patch decides to follow Diego’s shitty advice without any backup. +1

Drunk Five being carried bridal style by Luther. Aidan Gallagher being carried bridal style by Tom Hopper. -1

“I’m going through puberty. Twice.” Sucks to be you. +2

You had two bottles, Five. And you somehow didn’t die of alcohol poisoning. +2

Diego’s face. -1

Aidan Gallagher doesn’t play drunk very well. To be fair, he’s never been drunk (or at least I hope he hasn’t), but it’s still a sin. +1

“You know I hate code names”, okay Spaceboy. +1

“I’m the four frickin horsemen” or Gabriel’s horn. -1

“You haven’t been this sober since you were a teenager, since you decided to keep the ghosts at bay”. I hate the delivery on this last line, but to be fair to Justin Min, it was a shitty line in the first place. Sin for delivery and for the writers. Also, gee Ben, I thought he was just doing drugs to be contrary. +2

Zoya Popova is so underrated. I love her. -1

Ben’s lil smile. -1

Vanya’s apartment is so warm and nice with all the lights on, but this is the only time we get to see it that way. When she is on good terms with Allison. Lighting cues. -1

Allison, you’re too tall to fit in Vanya’s sweatpants. They’d be sweat capris. +1

Have I mentioned how much I love Allison’s jacket in this episode yet? Because I really like it. -1

Creepy flowers are creepy. +1

“She knows it was a misunderstanding” Allison’s face all but says. “Do I?”. Emmy Raver-Lampman rules. -1

Also, Vanya speaks for Allison. +1

This is where they decide to show just how much of a creep Leonard is. Well done, show. -1

Leonard is a creepy, manipulative little bastard. +1

Sin off for the gory sfx makeup in this episode. The ghosts look brutal! -1

Syd the tow truck driver is back. Too bad he’s dead. +1

The dead cheerleader is disturbing. +1

This episode sort of confirms the headcanon that Klaus can speak/understand many languages. -1

The gore on Klaus keeps changing. +1

The switch in camera angles shows the shift in point of views, hence why the ghosts disappear. Clever. -1

Ben voice: Nicely done. -1

Patch waited a pretty long time. How long was the walk from the library to thy gym? +1

Chair scoot. Klaus is smart. -1

Klaus gives himself a concussion. Sinning because he had to give himself more trauma to escape from touture. +1

Claudia gives Patch the key to the room without question and then runs.+1

Klaus is coherent enough to think to hide in the vent. Klaus is a smart cookie. -1

The death of Detective Eudora Patch. +1

The Klaus theme -1

Kenny’s mom appearance! Her hat and jacket have matching flowers that also match her pants. Cute. -1

Klaus’s wink. -1

Kenny’s mom definitely saw a lot more of Klaus than what was already on display. +1

Time traveling briefcase! -1

Kenny’s mom looks for Klaus under the seat. What??? +1

Diego gives Dolores a chair. How nice of him. -1

Diego’s Prime 8s poster. If you know, you know. -1

Aidan Gallager sucks at pretending to sleep. +1

“You throw another one of those goddamn knives at me, I’m pressing charges”. I love Al. -1

It was a half hour walk from the library to the gym. Patch waited a really long time. +1

Now you remember Klaus after you found Five, who wasn’t really in any danger. +1

The little pat Luther gives Dolores. -1

Diego takes his gloves off. It’s like he wants to get framed. +1

This scene is really emotional and made me cry the first time I saw it. +1

David Castaneda is a really good actor. -1

The fridging of Detective Eudora Patch. +100

Overall Review:

This episode starts off on a really high note. I follow Tom Hopper on Instagram. He’s really fit. There is no denying that. I also appreciated the way he played Luther this episode. The scene where Luther realizes what his body looks like was heartbreaking to watch and really well acted.

Speaking of heartbreaking to watch, the fridging of Detective Patch pisses me off. For those who don’t know, “Fridging” is when a female character is hurt or killed in some way in order to move a man’s story/emotional development forward. Considering that Patch’s death is what starts Diego’s character development, I would say that this applies. I am genuinely disappointed in the writers for doing this to Patch. I think it’s been established that I respect Patch. She doesn’t take any shit and she follows her moral compass. That is her real character. She only screws up when it comes to Diego and this is no different. She decided to be reckless like him and paid the ultimate price. However, this is completely out of character. Based on what we’re shown, Patch should have brought up her suspicions to Beeman (the other detective) and went from there. But instead, she had to die. That injustice done to her character is what deserves 100 sins. The show really dropped the ball with this one.

Moving on, Vanya and Allison have some really good interaction in this episode. I think it’s a little weird how quickly Vanya forgave Allison after the shit she said last episode. Diego and Allison treated Vanya like a fragile object, which is what led her to Leonard. To be fair, Vanya was pretty stupid that last episode when she didn’t run away, but that doesn’t excuse what Diego said and Allison agreed with. Overall, the yay sisters thing was a good, but sus moment.

Next, Klaus and Ben. Almost everything Ben said in this episode pissed me off. The “that’s the real tourture” speech was awful. For all the fandom loves him, Ben is a prick. However, Ben was also able to keep Klaus calm and encouraged him to control his power over the many, many ghosts in the room. So it’s kind of a wash for me this episode. I hope season 2 explores more of his character and why he would choose to say something so awful while his brother is being literally tortured.

As for the main plot, Five’s only lead, not that it really matters yet, has been destroyed. Hazel and Cha Cha realize that they’re going to end the world if they complete their mission. And Leonard has finally been revealed to be a creep who wants something to do with Vanya’s pills. On a rewatch, we know why that’s significant, but a first time viewer would be confused in a good way. The show wants the audience to ask: Why? Vanya’s pills have been there for important moments up until this point. And now there are being forcibly taken out of the equation. Why?

Total: 193

Sentence: Getting drunk in the library with your mannequin wife while trying to do math.

#The Umbrella Academy #all in good fun #show warnings apply #lots of spoilers #luther hargreeves #diego hargreeves #Allison Hargreeves #klaus hargreeves #five hargreeves #ben hargreeves #vanya hargreeves #eudora patch #leonard peabody #hazel and cha cha #analysis of the umbrella academy

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jerepars · 3 years

Text

Throwing Copper Extended Chapter Notes

3 / 5 Why We Ever

Hyperlinks appear in blue (underlined on mobile). The story is posted here. Direct link to this chapter is here.

James contemplated what an early morning of everyday things would consist of if they were different people, in a different life. He wondered if she would make fun of his bedhead and if her laughter would fill up the air in the room when he reached over and pulled her closer, threatening to not let go unless she stopped squirming, until the book they’d been reading toppled to the floor, forgotten. He wondered if they’d let their coffee run cold.

There’s a song called “Everyday Things” by David Usher, which doesn’t mention any of the things James is thinking about here, but I do like the idea of James (or Teresa for that matter) thinking of what everyday things would consist of for them. Also, I hadn’t heard the original version of this song in...years...because the one I always listen to is the acoustic version, featuring Cœur de pirate, whose back vocals are very complimentary. The original version of the song doesn’t even sound right to me and it sounded so off when I listened to it to get the url. Not that any of this matters at all.

A frown settled between Teresa’s eyebrows and she blinked away tears before they could form. She swallowed the lump of emotions blocking her throat. There was an irony to her actions. Doing something for James gave her new lungs, but explaining it to him made it hard to breathe.

The song “New Lungs” by Glacier Veins is what I was thinking of here, because of the line that goes And with new lungs I relearn how to breathe.

“You know why,” she answered simply, unwilling to elaborate what she was sure they both understood.

Making her feel better and being a shoulder to lean on might’ve been things James did out of a sense of obligation. But turning up in New Orleans to warn her about Devon, and then being the overwatch for the meeting Devon had shown up to – those things were about something else. It was the same for Teresa. When the opportunity presented itself, for her to make James’ Devon problem go away, the reason she didn’t hesitate wasn’t because she felt she owed him or had to repay him. She did it because it was James. The things they took on for each other, actions strong enough to shift tectonic plates, they did because they wanted to. The only boundaries of their loyalty and love for one another were speaking about them out loud.

I’ve found the cave metaphor from 1x06 to be something that I continually come back to while writing about James and Teresa. There’s a part of the conversation, which focuses on how far implication goes with them, when James says, “You know what I’m talking about” (1:35). So I wanted there to be a similar thing here, with Teresa saying “you know why” about why they’re willing to do so much for each other. It seems a big part of why they never say how they really feel is because it’s so easy for them to make vague statements with implications that they both understand.

Teresa was right, and James did understand, because when he looked at her again, the warmth of his eyes was ebbing away at the anger held there. “Not sure I can exist without consequence,“ James told her softly.

When I started planning this chapter, I could hear James’ dialogue here so clearly in my mind. The line and the idea of James having grown so uneasy with a life where there’s no retribution against him is inspired by American Football’s “Uncomfortably Numb”. Mike Kinsella (the band’s vocalist) and Hayley Williams (who is featured on the track) do a little call and return with the line: But how will you exist (how will I exist?) without consequence? I’ll let you know.

This song is so hypnotic and I remember listening to it ad nauseum, except that I never got tired of it, when it first came out. I listened to it over and over and over again (again, lol) while writing this chapter, and I still love it. The mood of the song, in my opinion, really matches the mood of the chapter.

Despite the high stakes of their mission, or maybe because of it, the last three days had been better than, perhaps, the last three hundred. Like looking in his eyes and searching for clarity, working with James again was like muscle memory for Teresa.

This part is a call back to the first chapter, where it’s mentioned that for Teresa, looking at James and searching his eyes for their next move, for reassurance, for clarity is like muscle memory she can’t shake. Not that this is a super important detail, but I do like to put earlier ideas into later chapters for cohesion. This is probably why I can’t write something short to save my life, because I think too much about small details. It bugs me, in fic, when it’s obvious time has been spent on certain details but then the idea is never brought up ever again.

Working on an operation with him made Teresa curse the reasons why they’d ever said I’m gonna miss you and I’ll see you around a year ago, when they’d said goodbye. It brought back the feelings of longing, of wanting to coexist in the same space and move in the same direction, at the same time, together.

It was unintentional that the two songs that inspired this chapter most have Hayley Williams in them. But when I listen to them back to back, I can also see why that ended up happening. This chapter is named after the Hayley Williams song “Why We Ever” because of the line that goes And now I can’t seem to remember why we ever felt we had to say goodbye.

I watched the goodbye scene in 3x13 to write these two sentences. There are a lot of scenes from QOTS that I’ve watched over and over again but that’s not one of them because, like, it hurts me. Also it’s super frustrating that that’s the note Jeresa ends on until the last ten seconds of 4x13. I'm thinking S5 Jeresa needs to happen by 5x03. And if not, we riot. Lol.

“For freaking out and needing you the other night. For doubting you and questioning you, when you’re always just trying to help me,” Teresa rambled, then paused to take a breath, because what she really wanted to apologize for cut at her the deepest. “I’m sorry for the things I’ve asked you to do. For the people you had to take out and people you had to bury. Even after I knew about what happened with Suzie, I still asked you to…”

The part of “Why We Ever” that really pulls at my heartstrings is the end, which goes: I just wanna talk about it. I know I freaked you out. I just wanna talk about it. Sorry for freaking out.

That’s simple, sure. But it’s raw. I wanted Teresa to get pretty raw in this scene, letting her honesty come tumbling out without eloquence.

Also, something that has irked me since 3x05 is the fact that James is so clearly not the same after what happened to Suzie, and when we learn what happened, we understand why he’s so affected by the stuff he has to do, even out of necessity. What happened to Suzie takes it to the extreme, creates a breaking point for James, but even going back to S1, James has never liked the part of his job that means he has to hurt and kill people. After finding out what happened in 3x05, 3x04 seemed especially cruel to James, when he’s left to bury the reporter - we just didn’t know how cruel it was at the time.

And I get it, he has to do his job. Occupational hazards, right? But he’s changed after 3x05, and he still has to kill for Teresa. He even has to dig the ditch to bury Guero. The experiences of cartel life that Teresa and James have are certainly different, and again this makes sense, because they are in different roles. But S3 is not kind to James, not in the least, and I think that’s why it makes sense to me that he’d want out of the life if there’s nothing or no one to stay for.

I don’t know that Teresa will ever be this apologetic in canon, since she’s the queen so she’s free to give out orders without explanation or sympathy. I wish it would happen though, and I think there’s potential for prime Jeresa content if she does. I wrote it myself since the likelihood of it happening is probably slim to none.

Teresa trailed off without finishing her train of thought. She wasn’t meant to apologize, for she was the queen. She was supposed to stay icy and distant; sensitivity deprived. But she couldn’t help it with James. She couldn’t help the light leaking back in. It was different, because he was different.

The opening lyrics of “Uncomfortably Numb” are sensitivity deprived. That phrase begins the first two verses. As already mentioned, to me the song encapsulates the mood of this chapter so well.

He looked scared, confused about what she’d said. James had grown used to Teresa’s mixed signals; they’d been dancing around each other and their feelings for so long. But Teresa being direct was new. Her dark side scared him, and he didn’t know to which part of her directness belonged to, light or dark.

This is, again, a call back to the first chapter, where it’s mentioned there’s a part of Teresa (the Teresa that she’s become) that scares James a bit. Just trying to tie it back in and keep the chapters cohesive, connected, over the course of the story.

Her heart was already on the floor, but had she been entirely forthcoming? She’d reinforced that he had a choice, and he was free. But had she even given James a reason to want to stay? Had she ever? Did he even know her desire for him to stay had many layers to it?

Heart is on the floor, why don’t you step on it? is the first line in the chorus of “Rocks Tonic Juice Magic” by Saves the Day. I didn’t really realize I was making this reference until I was actually typing it out. And it being the last song reference in the chapter, when I went to get the URL, I ended up with so much sorrow because I have so many fond memories of being at shows surrounded by people with the same feelings for this song and this music as me, and singing these words back with such urgency. I miss shows so much. I think finally being able to go back to shows, in a post-pandemic world, whenever that is, is going to be so emotional and I’m probably going to cry.

Okay, so that was a tangent.

Anyway, I don’t think Teresa has ever let herself be so vulnerable, to just come out and tell James how she feels or what she wants. It doesn’t mean she and James don’t already know. But there is something to be said about, well, saying those things. It takes brevity, but if she can’t be honest where it counts, then they don’t have a chance. That’s why I wanted Teresa to have this moment, with her heart on the floor, thinking...does she need to take it even a step further?

And by the end of it, she does.

#je repars notes

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temarisnara · 4 years

Note

Temari, Shikamaru, Neji, Rock Lee

god this is my THIRD ATTEMPT TO DO THIS SO IM DOING IT IN WORDS DOC

temari

favorite thing about them: i've written this 3 times!!!! BUT!!!! i love that at the age of FIFTEEN she'd already got the title cruelest konoichi. like. ilu queen. and she's so confident too, like she knows she could wreck anyone's shit, she goes up against MADARA without ever pausing. and i love that whilee on the battlefield she's cruel, as a civillian she's just...lowkey a bitch. like she's scary and people know to fear her but she doesnt actually...bully anyone besides shikamaru. she's also so ride or die for her brothers and i LOVE it.

least favorite thing about them: whatever that ooc mess was that was used to get her and shikamaru together.

favorite line: idk but when she tells madara "don't understimate me!" GO OFF QUEEN

brOTP: gaara and kankuro, 100%. the sand siblings are so fucking good. i could talk all day about them. in the leaf i think she vibes with ino, though she needs Breaks. she didn't like, Get choji at first but the more she got to know him she's like "oh i get it he's just Genuinely Good" and now he's her favorite. i also like to imagine she and karui bonded over not being from the leaf, and also having ino as their sister in law. that's a unique experience okay.

OTP: shikamaru!!!!!!!

nOTP: i dont really have any?? i just can't ship her with anyone but shikamaru, i think he's it for her. temari was never really one to be concerned over romance or anything, it's not something she cared about, and she kind of expected an arranged marriage so she was more focused on Not doing that. but then shikamaru happened and it was like. oh. she actually wouldn't mind spending the rest of her life with him. huh. gross.

random headcanon: i have a lot of Thoughts about temari as a mother. i think that she never planned on being one, just like how she never planned on falling in love. it wasn't opposition, just. her childhood was fucked up, she had no good parental role models, she was much more interested in being a konoichi. but then she and shikamaru got serious and shikamaru is the head of the nara clan and he needed an heir. she agreed to it, in a few years, but shikadai was an oops ! so anyway, temari hated being pregnant lmao which is why they only had shikadai. but once he was born temari is like "oh. i'll kill and die for this child." like shikadai wasn't Real to her until she held him (vs shikamaru, who's been obsessed with that child since temari first started showing). temari actually tried going back to work when shikadai was a year old but pretty quickly she realized "fuck this". temari likes working, a lot, but she also likes being needed and she just likes her kid! so she oversaw all his training from the time he was old enough. it was hard at first, because she's never babied him, but she knew that the training she recieved was uh, not acceptable, so she struggled with what pace was actually okay for his age. hinata and sakura actually helped a lot here- hinata also had Fucked Up training as a child and sakura trained with tsunade who is Insane so they were able to figure out what worked best for their children. GOD THIS GOT LONG. anyway. i love temari and shikadai thank u.

unpopular opinion: i love shikatema so much but she was done so fucking dirty

song i associate with them: hurricane by the fray

favorite picture of them: she always looks so cool

shikamaru

favorite thing about them: god. i hate this but i genuinely love how smart he is and how fucking lazy he is. like how he kept complaing about his match with temari being moved up and then you realize it's because he was relying on the shadows? bitch. he's so cool. and when he pretended to be asleep rather than deal with whatever the fuck orochimaru was doing ESRTYTJU that's when i knew i loved him. but also, i love his development. like he really just wanted to coast through life, didnt want to get involved in anything, just wanted a plain wife and two boring kids. he had absolutely no aspirations. and he never had a ~change of heart~ for his own sake, he just surrounded himself by people who genuinely inspired him and he wanted to be of use to them. l love him!!!

least favorite thing about them: like the misogyny doesn't bother me THAT much because hashtag it could be worse! but it's not good lmao

favorite line: BITCH! "i'm your god" SIR I LOVE YOU. also his line about how he can't die because naruto doesn't have a smart younger brother to help him, and he's the only one capable of being naruto's advisor.

brOTP: ino and asuma are the only Strictly platonic ones but obviously i LOVE his friendships with choji and naruto

OTP: TEMARIIIIIIIII, also choji and naruto.........i'm soft

nOTP: listen. it's not notp but everytime i remember people ship shikaino i'm like "they're siblings???" like no judgement, i have too many fucking ships fandom calls siblings, but their dynamic is SO sibling like to me lmao. also like...shikamaru loves ino and would do anything for her but he does NOT like her ass. you know he avoids her when he's too tired to deal with her bullshit.

random headcanon: LET'S KEEP TALKING ABOUT SHIKADAI. so when shikamaru's dad dies he has a line about how he wasn't around when shikamaru was growing up, and shikamaru obviously doesn't resent him for that, but he does make a concious choice to Not do that. it'd be too easy to get wrapped up in his job, but he won't let himself. he makes sure to make time for shikadai. they play shogi together, and shikamaru is very involved in his training, and even when he's exhausted from work he'll listen to shikadai talk about his day and never show how tired he is. he loves his kid so much, temari makes fun of him for being soft. also when shikadai was a baby shikamaru was lowkey obsessed with him lmao. temari needed Breaks but shikamaru...never really did. even when he was crying he would just hold and bounce him until he calmeed down (also shikamaru was way better at calming shikadai down than temari lmao)

unpopular opinion: listen. is shikamaru misogynistic? yes. but he doesn't like, hate women or think less of them, he just needed to learn that not every woman is as insane as ino. i've seen too many "naruto as vines" videos where it's like shikamaru is like "oh sorry i fell asleep waiting for you to make me a sandwich" like thats not him!

song i associate with them: uh nicotine by P!ATD

favorite picture of them: my header on twitter i guess idk!

neji

favorite thing about them: oh gosh. i genuinely like that he was a fucking angry child. he had every right to be. the hyuuga system is FUCKED! he projected it onto hinata, which wasn't fair to her, but god. he didn't have an outlet and the chunnin exams was his only opportunity to take his anger out on the main branch. anyway i love that after naruto beat his ass he was like "okay maybe i should stop being a prick" and he just. got better. became friends with his team. healed his relationship with hinata. he became so genuinely good

least favorite thing about them: this motherfucker really had me CRYING over him. rude as fuck.

favorite line: i am way too tired to think about this

brOTP: HINATA!!!!!!! also rock lee.

OTP: tenten!

nOTP: hinata. i hate you freaks.

random headcanon: himawari would've been his favorite. like, he loves boruto, that's his nephew, but he's a mini naruto and that's. exhausting. himawari is perfect in neji's eyes though and tenten makes fun of him for it.

unpopular opinion: its' not unpopular but genuinely it's bullshit he died when hinata's dad was RIGHT THERE. like. i will never not be fucking heated that neji died to protect hinata and her dad was just twiddling his goddamn thumbs as it happened. you useless FUCK. god. anyway i also hate that neji's death he just talked to naruto like his speech to naruto was good but we deserved more neji and hinata talking. i also don't like he died for naruhina to happen lmao we've talked about this, someone in the konoha 11 needed to die for naruto to prove obito wrong, and i dont even mind that it was neji, but his death shouldn't have had anything to do with naruhina.

song i associate with them: i dont have one but uhhh i found a neji playlist so i'm gonna say r.i.p 2 my youth by the neighborhood

favorite picture of them: bruh. idc.

rock lee

favorite thing about them: HE'S SO HARD WORKING AND DETERMINED AND NEVER GIVES UP AND HE'S A GENUINELY GOOD AND KIND HEARTED PERSON GOD ROCK LEE I LOVE YOU

least favorite thing about them: WHERE'S HIS SCREENTIME KISHIMOTO

favorite line: dude he's so weird i have no idea

brOTP: neji and tenten!!! and GAI OF COURSE. AND SAKURA. 10/10.

OTP: GAARA.

nOTP: listen there is GENUINELY nothing wrong with it but i dont vibe with rock lee/tenten.

random headcanon: ok this isn't a real headcanon but i made myself laugh yesterday thinking that orochimaru got bored and cloned rock lee and that's where metal lee came from. anyway real headcanon is he's married to gaara in boruto. thank u.

unpopular opinion: shut up about his and gaara's fight oh my GOD i dont care

song i associate with them: uhhhh idk here have a rock lee tribute

favorite picture of them: what's important is his good heart

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blushingallthewayhome052013 · 4 years

Text

Cruel Summer is absolutely

GENIUS.

here are my reasons according to the lyrics (I think they’re right?):

Fever dream high

In the quiet of the night

You know that I caught it (oh yeah, you're right, I want it)

she dreams of him in the middle of the night- especially during those quiet moments where he fills her thoughts. The “fever” she refers to are all the side effects of falling in love .... something that she’s kinda afraid to succumb to again. Especially when she feels all this so soon.

Bad, bad boys

Shiny toy with a price

You know that I bought it (oh yeah, you're right, I want it)

I think here she is saying that he’s too good to be true. He’s a “shiny toy” meaning that his appearance is too good to have a bangin’ personality too. But of course, she can’t help but buy into this and fall in love, “you know that I bought it”. ALSO whenever she refers to him and says “you’re right” it kind of radiates that confidence she introduces us to in Gorgeous.

Killing me slow, out the window

I'm always waiting for you to be waiting below

This love is killing her because it’s bringing out alllll her inner romantic feels. Longing for him out the window? Check. Waiting for him to be waiting below her window? Check. She wants him to be going out of his way to see her and long for her by surprising.

Devils roll the dice, angels roll their eyes

THIS LINE IS SO CLEVER. It honestly took me a while to figure it out but I think it means that devils (aka players) play games when it comes to love making it feel fake and angels (aka serious contenders) roll their eyes at these games and are all in when they love someone.

What doesn't kill me makes me want you more

She’s all in. When you love someone you bring out an inner vulnerability that has the potential to kill you if it ends. So al these things that make her happy makes her want him more but also the passion involved that feels like it could break but doesn’t.

And it's new

The shape of your body, it's blue

Of course, this love is new. I think the blue metaphor is fascinating here. It could mean SO MANY THINGS. Like what is her significance with blue?? Is it the color of his eyes that makes his body radiate that color or something? LIKE WHAT IS IT TAYLOR I NEED TO KNOW.

The feeling I've got

And it's ooh, whoa oh

It's a cruel summer

It’s a cruel summer cause she’s still nervous to fall in love. I friggin’ love this play on the phrase “summer romance”. It’s funny too because people called my relationship a summer romance the first summer we dated cause we were in high school and look at us now! Married!! Hahaha take that!! Okay I got off track. But yeah, the feeling is all about passion and seeing if that passion can last and be a positive thing that won’t burn out.

It's cool

That's what I tell 'em, no rules

In breakable Heaven but

I freaking love these too. Okay, playin’ it cool. There’s no rules right? If I don’t make rules regarding what “this” even is then I can’t get hurt right? That’s the vibe I feel with that lyric. With the “breakable Heaven” (GENIUS) she’s referring to this love being absolutely Heaven to her, but it’s still breakable. It’s not concrete to her yet. It’s still a fragile love but damn it’s got some potential to be flipping amazing and greater than anything that exists on Earth (aka Heaven).

Ooh, whoa oh

It's a cruel summer

With you

Repeat Cruel Summer explanation here :)

Hang your head low

In the glow of the vending machine

I'm not dying (oh yeah, you're right, I want it)

Even when he’s getting some snickers from the vending machine he looks hot af and the fluorescent lights makes him glow (another angelic quality I may add) how the heck can that cringe light make someone glow?? Now that’s love. But again she reiterates “I’m not dying”. She refuses to let herself fall too hard, but it seems like that isn’t possible anymore.

We say that we'll just screw it up in these trying times

It seems like lover boy is feeling some of the same feelings? The fame might be too much for an actual love to exist. Of course this ends up being possible and so worth it and UGH I LOVE LOVE :,)

We're not trying (oh yeah, you're right, I want it)

We’re not “trying” because they’re still refusing to actually say that they’re in love and be in a relationship.

So cut the headlights

Summer's a knife

I'm always waiting for you

Just to cut to the bone

This one is tricky. I want to say the “cut the headlights” means that she’s giving in. Cut the headlights and let’s be in love and kiss and all that good stuff. But then she goes back to “Summer’s a knife” (beautiful imagery omg) saying that this summer could cut her to the bone (aka wound her heart) if this ends up falling apart.

Devils roll the dice

Angels roll their eyes

And if I bleed

You'll be the last to know

She’s trying to keep it cool here. It’s so coy, like “my poker face is so good you’ll never know my true feelings”. So if he does in fact end up hurting her, he’ll never know. She wants to build a rock wall around her emotions so she can’t get hurt.

Oh, it's new

The shape of your body, it's blue

The feeling I've got

And it's ooh, whoa oh

It's a cruel summer

It's cool

That's what I tell 'em, no rules

In breakable Heaven but

Ooh, whoa oh

It's a cruel summer

With you

I'm drunk in the back of the car

And I cried like a baby coming home from the bar (oh)

Said, "I'm fine", but it wasn't true

THIS BRIDGE. This bridge is where all her true emotions come out. It’s like the end of summer where all this has bubbled up and a little alcohol makes it explode and her poker face breaks down. Crazy how alcohol works like that! But again she’s trying to regain that poker face by saying she’s “fine”.

I don't wanna keep secrets just to keep you

So she doesn’t want to keep it secret that they’re in love. I mean not to the public kind of secret, but secret to him that she loves him. Make sense?

And I, snuck in through the garden gate

Every night that summer just to seal my fate (oh)

Ahhhh the allusion. Love that. The forbodden garden. Like Adam and Even- temptation. She walked into her temptation by creating a relationship with him and falling head over heels in love with him and THAT’S what sealed her fate. Giving in to a love that was impossible to forget.

And I screamed, "For whatever it's worth"

"I love you, ain't that the worst thing you ever heard?"

He looks up, grinning like a devil

This part is freaking precious. She confesses this monstrous secret that she loves him and he just looks up grinning like an idiot like “yeah, I know. I love you too”. PRECIOUS. And the devil bit I think is just about how his smile gives off this radiance of playfulness.

It's new

The shape of your body, it's blue

The feeling I've got

And it's ooh, whoa oh

It's a cruel summer

It's cool

That's what I tell 'em, no rules

In breakable Heaven but

Ooh, whoa oh

It's a cruel summer

With you

I'm drunk in the back of the car

And I cried like a baby coming home from the bar (oh)

Said, "I'm fine", but it wasn't true

I don't wanna keep secrets just to keep you

And I, snuck in through the garden gate

Every night that summer just to seal my fate (oh)

And I screamed, "For whatever it's worth"

"I love you, ain't that the worst thing you ever heard?"

Reiterating the bridge? Brilliant. It so deserves to be sung twice!!

Now, this is how I interrupt it. Idk if it’s right, but that’s why I love this song soooo much. It’s so unique and open to interpretation. Love that Taylor !!!!

Also, this album is the soundtrack to this newly married woman’s life and I LOVE(R) it! So many bops. So many emotions. It basically radiates all sorts of shades of pastels :,)

@taylorswift

@taylornation

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silverarmedassassin · 4 years

Text

Day Six: A Christmas Date

Pairing: Bucky x Reader (College AU) Word Count: 4269 - sorry this one kind of got away from me whoops Summary: Bucky is desperate to find a date for his fraternity's Christmas party. You happen to stumble into the conversation at the wrong time. Or is it?

A/N: And we’re back! I’ve had a really rough past couple of days and couldn’t get any writing done, so I’m going to be playing catch up for the next few days. I hope to have days 7, 8 and 9 all out by tomorrow evening, but we’ll see. I have tomorrow off so I’ll have plenty of time to write and edit what I already have written! Enjoy!

2019 Christmas Masterlist

“Come on Stevie. Peggy has to have at least one cute single friend she can hook me up with!”

Steve looks over the top of the espresso machine he’s working with and glares at Bucky. His best friend is currently sulking over his coffee at the pick-up counter as he complains about this week’s girl issues. “Buck, I’m working.”

“But Dot’s gonna be there with her new boyfriend! If I show up alone, I’m gonna look like a total loser!”

“You’re going to look like a loser no matter what you do,” your voice chimes in as you walk up next to Bucky at the counter. You smile at Steve as he starts to prepare your usual order, and Bucky grumbles into his coffee. “What’s this one crying about now?”

“His fraternity is hosting a Christmas party and he doesn’t have a date. Word is Dottie’s gonna be there and Bucky’s freaking out.”

“Ahh,” you hum as you lean on your elbows and look towards Bucky. “What happened to the girl - was it Misty? - that’s been hanging around the past few weeks?

He glares at you as he straightens up. “It was Mandy. And we wanted...different things.”

“Oh, so she wanted something serious and you just wanted to get your dick wet?”

Bucky nearly chokes on his coffee, and you’re sure you’re going to have to call an ambulance on Steve for how hard he’s laughing. You can’t help but chuckle yourself as he leans over the counter to fist bump you between his wheezing.

“You know Buck,” Steve says as he attempts to steady himself, “you should take Y/N!”

“What!?” you and Bucky exclaim at the same time. Bucky in a panic and you shocked that Steve would even drag you into the situation.

“Yea! She knows you’re a terrible date, and she can put up with your shit. Plus, there’d be no,” Steve wiggles his eyebrows then, “expectations at the end of the night. And she’s the only one in the group that’s single.”

You scoff and cross your arms. “What about Carol? She’s not seeing anyone.”

“Everyone knows Carol is gay. It’d be too unbelievable.” Steve shrugs his shoulders like his suggestion is the obvious answer.

Bucky was quiet throughout the entire exchange while he fought his own internal battle. On one hand, he’d been considering asking you to be his date. Not out of desperation, but because he truly wanted to spend time with you, show you off not just to Dot, but to everyone.

But on the other hand, the sensible, realistic hand, he knew you’d laugh in his face if he’d ask you. Not that you were cruel, it was just that your friendship hadn’t always been as carefree and easy as it was now. Plus, he didn’t want to use you of all people to rub in Dot’s face.

The party was in less than eight hours, however, and he was getting a little bit desperate. Maybe Steve bringing up the date could really save him.

Fuck it, Bucky thinks to himself, I’m just gonna ask her.

“Yea! Come on, Y/N, be my date!” He puts on his best pouty face and bats his ridiculously long eyelashes at you. “Pleeeeease? Can’t you pretend you don’t hate me for just one night? I’ll buy you your coffee for an entire week straight. Please!”

“Okay! Okay, okay, you’re making a scene,” you shush Bucky as his pleas grow louder, drawing the attention of those sitting closest to the counter. “I’ll go with you, just stop!”

Bucky stops pouting and gives you an exasperated look. “Wait, really? You’ll really go with me?” He tries not to let the excitement seep through his tone.

You shrug nonchalantly. “It’s been a while since I’ve been to a good party. Plus, I’m never going to pass up free alcohol.”

Bucky bites his lip in an attempt to hold back a smile, but his excitement is too much to contain. “Yes!” he says as he punches the air. “You don’t know how much you’re saving my ass, really I-”

He’s cut off when his phone starts to vibrate. Pulling it out of his pocket, he looks back to you and Steve. “Listen, I gotta run,” he says as he starts backing up towards the front door. “I’ll pick you up at your place at 5:30, okay?”

Before you can respond, Bucky is planting a chaste kiss to the side of your head and running out of the coffee shop. You sigh as you lean back and watch him through the shop’s windows.

“You know, if you could just keep it in his pants for more than a day, maybe he could find someone to commit it.”

Steve slides your drink over the counter towards you as his best friend disappears down the street towards campus. “Yea,” he says, turning his gaze on the back of your head. “But I think the girl he’s really interested in is too far out of reach for him.”

You turn and grab your coffee and shrug. “I better get going too. You have a job to do and I have a dress to go buy! Thanks, Stevie!”

You wave as you make your way towards the front door, and Steve just shakes his head. “They’re such idiots,” he says under his breath before turning his attention back to his work.

When 5:20 p.m. rolls around, you’re standing in front of the mirror in your room, twirling side to side so that you can examine your dark purple, crushed velvet dress. The skirt, as your roommate Natasha described it, is a nice flirty length, falling midthigh. Although not too revealing, the dress still revealed enough skin on top to be a little hazardous. With the neckline scooping to just above the valley of your breasts, and the back going down just as far, you felt

“Are you sure this is okay?” you ask as you examine your backside again.

Natasha, who is sprawled out on your bed, sighs and looks up from her chemistry textbook for the fifteenth time in as many minutes. “I told you, it’s perfect. You’re going to have every guy at that party begging on their knees for your attention.”

You make eye contact through the mirror but quickly avert your gaze. “Yeah, but what will Buc-”

“What will Bucky what?” Natasha interrupts you as she sits up fully. “It’s just Bucky. Since when does his opinion on what you do or wear matter?”

You bite your lip. She’s right, it is just Bucky. But that was the problem. You’re not sure when just Bucky started causing your stomach to do somersaults and your heart feel like it was going to explode in your chest.

It’s not like you hadn’t known Bucky for almost three years. It’s not like you had fallen for his devilishly handsome looks the moment he stepped foot into your freshman English class. Or his ridiculous charm when you accidentally ran into him in the dorm hallway one morning when you were running late for class.

And it’s not like you’ve spent the last four years burying those feelings under every ounce of willpower you had. No, it’s just Bucky and his opinion doesn’t matter at all.

Except it does.

A knock on your front door draws you from your thoughts and does nothing to calm the cage of butterflies that had been released in your tummy the second you’d agreed to go to this party.

Natasha jumps off the bed and out into the living room. “Coming!” she sing-songs as she makes her way to the front door. “What a gentleman, coming to meet the parents before he takes ya on a date.”

“Nat” you grumble as you grab your bag and phone from your dresser. With one final look in the mirror, you sigh and turn off the light. Here goes nothing.

As you emerge from the hall, Natasha has already ushered Bucky into the apartment. Your steps falter a little when you catch a glimpse of him. He’s wearing your favorite red Henley and dark jeans combo with his worn leather jacket thrown over the top.

He catches your movement out of the corner of his eye and turns to look at you. A shy smile creeps across his face as he tunes whatever Natasha had been talking about with him out. She picks up on this, because she turns to look at you too.

“Oh goody!” she claps before pulling her phone from her back pocket. “Get together kids, I need to document this moment! It’s like you’re going to prom!”

“Nat,” you hiss as you make your way towards the door.

“Just one picture. We need to document the one and only time James Barnes has clean hair and looks like a right gentleman!”

One picture turns into five different staged photos, and before you know it Bucky is pulling at your arm to get you out the door. “I’m sorry Tasha, but we really have to go!”

“Be safe, kids! Use protection! I don’t any any grandbabies yet!!” Natasha calls after you, wheezing as she does so. You were going to kill her when you get home tonight.

You take a deep breath as Bucky pulls up in front of the massive fraternity house. The white colonial-style home, complete with columns and a beautiful front porch, was far too nice for a group of college-aged men to living, breaking and...doing god knows what.

“Nervous?” Bucky asks from the driver’s seat. He doesn’t dare rip his gaze from the line of cars in front of his.

“No,” you say far too quickly to be convincing. Why the hell were you so nervous?! “Are you?”

Bucky shrugs then and unbuckles his seatbelt. “First time seeing Dot since the breakup. It’s not my idea of a great party.” He turns to look at you then, a soft smile playing on his face. “But I’ve got a beautiful date to make me feel a little better.”

You roll your eyes and unbuckle your own belt. “Shut up,” you grumble as you shove the car door open. It’s like he knew exactly what to say to get under your skin and right to the butterflies.

Before you can even make it out of the car, Bucky is around to your side holding the door like the gentleman he isn’t. He sheepishly smiles when you give him a look and shrugs it off.

“Gotta make it look believable,” he says with a laugh.

As the two of you make your way to the front door, Bucky is stopped by a few of the guys. Fortunately, you know most of them since your group of friends spends a decent amount of time together, so no introductions are needed. A few of them do, however, side-eye you for a moment before patting Bucky on the back in a congratulatory manner. You try to brush it off as guys just being guys.

When you finally reach the far-too-grand front door, complete with an old-fashioned knocker, Bucky stops.

“Are you okay with me touching you?” he asks shyly.

“What?!”

“Not like...Y/N! I mean like, holding your hand, and dancing. You know, like boyfriend things.”

Please, you yell inside your head. Outwardly, you keep your calm.

“Get enough alcohol in me,” you say as you pat his scruffy cheek, “you can do whatever you’d like.”

If you’re going to make it believable, you might as well embrace the part, right?

Bucky practically chokes on his own tongue. “Right. Uh, shall we?” he says as he motions towards the door.

He guides you through the foyer and into the main room of the house where bodies were spilling out into the hall and into the smaller library and sitting rooms, hand firmly planted on your lower back. It seems like every other person you pass wants his attention, but he’s focused on getting the two of you into the heart of the party, probably to camouflage himself so Dot wouldn’t spot him.

“Hey. Bucky!” Christopher, who you know as the fraternity’s president, waves at Bucky from around a box of store-bought chicken. “I know you helped all day, but can you give me a hand with the rest of the food? It just got delivered.”

Bucky looks between you and Chris and sighs. “I’m really sorry,” he starts, shoulder dropping in defeat knowing he can’t possibly say no. He is one of the biggest and strongest of the brothers and was used to getting called upon to do the heavy lifting around the house.

“It’s fine,” you say waving him off. “I’m going to get a drink. Want your usual?”

He smiles at this and nods. “I’ll be back in five, promise!”

You watch him jog out the door Chris had just emerged from, and you turn to make your way to the kitchen. It was quieter, not as many bodies lingering around, so you decide you’ll camp out in there until Bucky comes back.

You’re just grabbing a beer for Bucky and wine cooler for yourself when a familiar voice calls your name.

“It is you!” Dot says when you turn around to see who was beckoning you. She hurries over and gives you a tight squeeze like it hadn’t been three months since she broke the heart of one of your best friends. Like she hadn’t destroyed the one person who’s happiness sometimes meant more to you than your own.

Taking one look at her, you suddenly feel very self-conscious. She’s an absolute vision in a deep evergreen dress that falls just above her knee. One thing you’d always loved about Dot was her effortless, vintage style. The dress screamed the 1940s and was something that would have made you look like you were in costume.

Her red hair was curled to perfection and framed her striking features perfectly. You were silly to think that Bucky would ever feel anything towards you when he had dated her for nearly four years. The encounter had you second-guessing why you’d even agreed to come to this party in the first place.

“How have you been? I miss seeing your smiling face every day!” Dot says cheerfully. In her typical energetic way, she doesn’t give you time to respond. “You look beautiful by the way! That color really suits you!”

“Not as beautiful as you,” a man you don’t recognize says as he walks up and wraps his arms around Dot’s middle.

“Oh hush,” she giggles as she leans into the kiss he plants on the side of her head. You shift your weight from side-to-side, uncomfortable with the exchange in front of you. It must catch Dot’s attention because she snaps out of the love bubble she had been in and looks back to you.

“Oh! I’m so rude! Y/N, this is Danny. Danny, Y/N.”

“It’s nice to meet you,” Danny says as he extends one hand away from Dot to shake yours. You give a tight smile and return the gesture.

“Y/N and I ran in the same group for a while at the beginning of college. But, you know, life got in the way. It’s so nice to see you, though! I don’t think I ever saw you at one of these parties back when...” she just shrugs and decides not to finish the thought.

“Things change, I guess,” you awkwardly laugh.

Before things can get any more awkward, Bucky comes in through the door calling your name. He doesn’t see Dot and Danny at first, and so bounds over to you in two quick strides before wrapping an arm around your shoulder.

“I guess they do,” Dot says as she watches Bucky pull you closer into his side.

You want to preen at the obvious change in tone, an almost bitterness lacing her words now, but you know it’s just for show and she has nothing to actually be bitter about. This is the exact reason Bucky had even wanted you to come with him, and at least for his sake, it was working. Without thinking, you wrap an arm around his solid, broad middle.

“Dot!” Bucky exclaims in his smooth, confident tone you’d come to love. Bucky was nothing if not confident with the ladies, which is why he had a new one almost every week since the duo had broken up. He was also a great actor. You know for a fact that this confidence was just a front. “I didn’t know you’d be here.”

“Surprise,” she says, pulling Danny’s arms a little tighter around her middle. Her gaze lingers on Bucky’s fingers as they start absentmindedly tracing shapes along your velvet-sleeved arm. “I didn’t know you two were...together.”

You can feel the rumble in his chest as he laughs. “Surprise!”

The tension in the room is so thick you could cut it with a dull knife. You look up at Danny who is glancing back and forth between Bucky and Dot, obviously not knowing what was going on. Unable to stand the awkward tension, you pat Bucky’s side gently to gain his attention.

“I’m, uh, gonna run to the restroom. Come find me when you’re done in here?”

Bucky glances at you and swallows hard. His eyes are pleading you to stay, but there’s nothing you can do to remedy the situation. Just like you’d told him on the way over, if he ever really wanted to let this go, he was going to have to talk to her sooner or later.

You take pity on him though and lean up to kiss his cheek. “I’ll be gone for just a few,” you whisper before releasing your grip on him and making towards the hallway.

When you emerge from the bathroom three minutes later, you can hear yelling over the music. As you make your way back towards the kitchen, you come to find that it was Bucky and Dot who was the source of the commotion.

Everyone has cleared out of the kitchen now, including Danny, so you choose to stay away. Deciding you’d rather not hang awkwardly around waiting for Bucky, and not feeling like striking up a conversation with anyone you know, you head out to the front porch. Luckily the weather has been mild this year, so you won’t freeze while you wait for Bucky to come to find you.

Ten minutes went by, then twenty, and you start getting a little antsy. There’s no way he was still in there talking with Dottie.

Despite the faux-date, you had been hoping to spend some time with Bucky. You thought that since he’d asked, begged you to come with that he would at least keep you on his arm while he made his rounds. But it was starting to look like that was not going to happen.

You check the time again and sigh, deciding that you’ll just call Natasha or even Clint to come to pick you up. You didn’t feel like wandering around the party by yourself, and you didn’t want to ask Bucky to leave in the middle just to take you home.

You shoot a quick text to Bucky to let him know what was going on, told him you weren’t feeling well and Natasha was coming to pick you up. It wasn’t completely a lie, just not the whole truth either. You call Nat and luckily she’s in the middle of a study break and agrees to come to get you in fifteen.

You wait for a text from Bucky, hoping it would be him telling you not to go, but it never comes. So when Natasha pulls up, you decide to leave the party, and hopefully your feelings for Bucky behind.

You’re awoken at 3:30 a.m. by your phone buzzing. You pointedly ignore it and turn over and try to go back to sleep. As soon as the call ends, another comes in immediately. You huff and roll back over, angrily yanking the phone from its place on your nightstand. Bucky Boy the caller id reads.

Before your tired brain can process what’s going on, the call ends and another immediately starts back up. “Hello?” you rasp into the phone, throat dry with disuse.

“Y/N!” Bucky slurs into the phone, obviously drunk. It startles you for a moment before you remember that he doesn’t need to drive anywhere since he lives at the frat house. “You left me at the party.”

You pinch the bridge of your nose and sigh, definitely not wanting to have this discussion with drunk Bucky, let alone sober Bucky. “I wasn’t feeling well so I came home.”

“But you looked so pretty and I didn’t even getta tell ya. I didn’t even getta dance with you!” You can hear him pouting through the phone and you can’t help but give a silent laugh.

“Buck, you’re drunk. Go to sleep.”

“No!” he shouts defiantly like a child. “Ya gotta listen to me, Y/N. Dottie...Dot, she tried to tell me that I didn’t really like you, that she could see through our facade. At first I got real mad, because that’s not what wasna sposed to happen. She was supposed to see us together, because it’s us, and get real jealous.

“But ya know what, Y/N, she was always jealous of you. ‘Cause you’re smart and caring, and funny and nice, and,” he stops to hiccup then. “And you’re jus so beautiful, ya know? She should be jealous of you because she’s not you and you’re you, ya know? And I know you’re gonna try and tell me I’m jus saying this ‘cause I’m drunk, but I’m not!”

Your head starts to spin a little as he continues talking. Every other word is slurred worse than before, which helps remind you of the fact that, yes, he is just saying this because he’s drunk. He’s drunk and upset about Dot so he’s projecting. It’s the only thing that makes sense.

“Ya know, I still remember that first day in English. I stumbled in half asleep and late and the seat next to you was the first one I saw. I hated it because it was in the front - I mean come on Y/N, who sits in the front of the classroom! - and vowed to never sit there again, but I did. I did every day for the rest of the semester and I’m so glad I did.

“You know why Dot doesn’t like you? Because I think she figured it all out before me. She broke up with me because she knew she wasn’t ever gonna live up to you. And I hate myself for only being able to tell you this while I’m drunk, but please, in the morning, make me say it again, okay? Because I like you and I think the feeling is mutual, but I’ve always been too scared to say something.

“And then stupid Dot came along and she was safe. I couldn’t ruin a friendship if there wasn’t one to begin with, so I settled. But I don’t wanna settle anymore, okay? So make me tell ya all of this again in the morning ‘cause I need to. You need to know.”

Tears start to drop down onto your cheeks, leaving salty trails as they do so. You’re not sure what to say, so you sit there and let him ramble on. You’d dreamt about this moment countless times before, Bucky confessing his feelings to you, but you never thought it would happen like this. Not when you’re half-awake with terrible bedhead and with Bucky three sheets to the wind. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, but you’ll take it.

Bucky’s quiet a little too long then, and you can hear his breathing over the phone as slowed a little. “Bucky?” you ask quietly into the speaker, but you’re met with only his soft breaths. He must have fallen asleep. Good. A sniffle a little before letting out a deep breath. “Good night, Buck. I’ll talk to you in the morning.”

In the morning. Hopefully, in the morning everything he had just confessed to you would still stand true. That you would be able to confess your own feelings and something good could finally come from it.

You hang up and shoot him a quick text before you can second guess it. Returning your phone to its charger on the nightstand, you roll over and feel the butterflies come back. In the morning.

You: Hey Buck. Drunk you had some interesting things to say tonight. He wanted me to make sober you retell me everything in the morning, so I’m holding you to it. How about breakfast? We can make it a date. A real one this time.

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ryouverua · 5 years

Text

Kokichi Ouma FTE - (Kaede #2)

I laughed when I first read this and I’m still laughing now, damn.

insert Kaede!shocked-pikachu face

HE’S SUCH A LITTLE SHIT OMG

He loves being chased!!! He just loves it when he gets attention - not necessarily bad but confrontational and engaging at the very least, hence how he was poking, prodding and trying his best to irritate K1-b0 - and I’m just saying between Kaede and Kaito he got plenty of that...

and again because I just keep talking about how similar they are, note that it’s always Kaede and Kaito specifically who chase him. That’s not a coincidence.

Also in the love hotel his whole set-up is basically him being ‘cornered after a chase’ in that area so I mean.... yeah.

Also, fun fact that when I went to replay this in the extra section it actually used the song ‘Despair Searching’ instead of ‘Becoming Friends’. There’s another FTE that deliberately changes the song in an interesting way and I’ll bring that up when it comes, but I thought it was an interesting choice and does change the atmosphere a bit.

- because Kaede was finally able to catch him after an incredibly obnoxious 15 minutes of tag where Kokichi sang all of Kaede’s favourite overtures off-key.

You know what? Kokichi ended up being one of my favourites and that is still a totally valid reaction, Kaede.

KOKICHI WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS

I really did miss this synchronization we had, Kaede.

Must... resist.... swatting... the child....

D-Does your clown posse need a personal pianist or something?

Wait, as in she can’t help him until she gives up the title or that she can join him once they’ve graduated? They don’t lose the title once they’re older, right? One of the few things I remember about the anime...

I don’t know if she necessarily represents Japan as much as herself? It’s not like there’s a musical competition of that level that I know of. wait is that a thing, someone please inform my uneducated self

This is unusually pessimistic of her. Does she not buy into the hype of being an Ultimate? Does the ‘piano freak’ label bother her that much? But I don’t think she’s let it really get in the way of embracing her talent...?

Pause because Kokichi is openly complimenting her and not following it up with a backhanded insult or an ‘it’s a lie’ statement. Hello??? Hello, media??? Someone???

yes. thank you. flattery will get you everywhere.

He is totally building on that story from last time. I guess he always liked to spin his organization as an underground secret evil intelligence organization? Even in all of his stories about them, he’d say things like ‘send them to Siberia’ or ‘have people killed’, but he noticeably never went into great detail about violence - which makes sense, honestly. Correct me if I’m wrong, but unless right in the middle of a trial or a situation where someone had been killed, he usually didn’t go into gruesome details. It’s an interesting contrast to someone like Tenko who would freak out and go into some pretty wild, vivid details about how she ‘didn’t want to be squished like toothpaste’ or something or Korekiyo, who was more than happy to threaten to ‘tear out your nerves’. He does seem to fancy that classier Bond villain-esque style, complete with espionage, etc? And considering what his lab ended up looking like, and how it was supposed to be designed to his liking...

It’s funny that Kaede is so mad right now because Kokichi has been extolling her virtues and basically complimenting her. She’s so used to him messing around that she doesn’t recognize that....

He has literally just hinted at espionage and just dropped it there, letting her fill in the blanks with all the ‘evil things’ he’ll have her do as part of his organization. It’s kinda... scary.... how good at this he is. 8′)

Mind you, he is saying stuff like this.

You are such a big talker, honestly.

WHAT IS THE SO-CALLED EVIL PLAN YOU ARE RECRUITING HER FOR YOU ARE GOING INTO NO DETAIL WHATSOEVER

you just want her to play with you that’s literally what this is

he can’t even openly ask her to be friends

they’re joining forces skdflj

He has spoken so much and yet given so little detail, yeah. 8′) Just throwing around evil-sounding vague concepts, words and catchphrases at this point to.... test her? See if she’d ‘accept’? Or play along?

About that.....

Ah, I kinda miss back when I was speculating about this. I thought it was a lie or massively exaggerated too. And yet somehow, when the reveal actually happen, I still wasn’t ready.

to be fair the ratio of lie to truth from you is heavily stacked on the wrong side -

On the one hand, Kaede ends up being right about him it’s not what he says it is at all and it definitely isn’t evil but on the other hand.... he has the talent for a reason, and we do see it in underhanded full force during the game.

Maybe it’s just because I recently listened to a DR1 play-through, but this really reminds me of that whole Byakuya line of ‘not assuming your way of thinking is the same as others’. Something similar to that, anyway. It’s slightly different in that he’s using ‘right’ as opposed to ‘the same’, though. Kokichi is basically telling her that she’s going to be in trouble if she goes into every situation assuming her way of doing things has to be the right way and...

...... well shit, he ended up being right here, didn’t he?

And for that matter, the way he operated often gave everyone else a chance to try out their plans? He let them try the escape tunnel multiple times before trying to speak up, he offered up his plan in Chapter 5 as an option for them to take or leave, and just generally let everyone speak their minds in order to hear all the options. He wanted to hear everyone’s ideas of ‘common sense’ before making his move, even if he could be incredibly cruel in how he shut people down.

And even though in some ways that’s not true, in this ‘world’ they’ve been crafted for, it might as well be.

This is definitely hinting at what happened in the escape tunnel. By the end of that, Kokichi had flipped the ‘common sense’ idea of the protagonist succeeding through the power of ‘never giving up’ and maintaining the moral high ground. It seemed right on the face of it for the class to keep trying until something gave, but in the end...

Ah, if only he didn’t deliver these hard truths with such smugness.

but they didn’t

Actually, that’s an interesting point. The Ultimate Imposter was probably the closest we’d get to an Ultimate Liar. Kokichi could have gotten that as his proper talent, but he didn’t. I’d like to think that’s because his leadership skills are better than his lying skills. And aren’t they? His bald-faced lies are laughably see-through, and his truths are disguised as lies based on how he says them, and how he follows them up!

I actually think he does, too.... that’s the worst part of all this.

Man, Kokichi would probably regret those words and not following up with her if this was V3 canon.

He seems more disappointed than upset, and it clearly isn’t just to mess with her? Man, hindsight is a bitch.

F..... Friendship.....!

Well, that would be a hell of a note to end things on with his FTEs full pun intended

Including this FTE, I’m pretty sure Kokichi has attempted to team up with nearly half the class by the end of the game and only truly succeeded in a start-to-finish team up once (Kaede, potentially considered Rantaro and K1-b0, Gonta (twice), Miu, Shuichi, and Kaito). 8′) I’d say it was nice he finally managed it in the end, but considering how things ended up, well.........

#Kokichi Ouma #Kokichi Oma #Kaede Akamatsu #Ryou plays drv3 #spoilers #drv3 spoilers #oumaede #I’m tagging this more platonically but they do have an interesting relationship tbh

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prettysoldierprojectarchive · 4 years

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1:7 – Usagi Learns a Lesson! The Road to Stardom is Tough

[Original Post made 02/09/2013]

Alternative Title: Never Shower Alone

First Aired: 25th April 1992

Usagi, inspired by the famous teen idol Mikan and egged on by classmate Naru, wants to become a star! This is unfortunate for two reasons; first, she has no talent, none to speak of whatsoever and second, the Britain’s Got Talent-style contest that she wants to enter has organised by the forces of evil. Yes, that’s right, Mikan has been replaced by an ugly ice-woman! The horror! Usagi must stop Jadeite’s fiendish plot to suck energy from the contestants, which include her friends, and then learn to accept the fact that she will probably die in poverty and obscurity.

I always remembered this episode as being a little lame, my enjoyment of celebrity and the terrible singing in this episode being limited, but watching it now I couldn’t help repeatedly pissing myself laughing at every joke.

The first of these moments happens immediately: Usagi is late for school, but not too late to stop and stare at an advert of the teenage idol Mikan. Naru-chan, also late, punishes Usagi’s distraction by smacking her ’round the head with a school bag. At school, lovable dipstick Umino proudly boasts of his procurement of a brand new poster of Mikan, instead of being rightly ashamed as he should be.

“With that poster obscuring your face you’re only marginally less repugnant, Umino”

Without being asked, he then whips out a laptop and starts giving statistics about Mikan’s career. Remember – this is 1992 – what a remarkably comfortable use of technology this show had! The use of a laptop is the most fantastical thing in this episode from a Western perspective!

Anyway, setting aside Umino’s insistence on reciting Mikan’s life history (which incidentally includes her monthly salary, a little weird don’t you think?) the obsession of idols in Japan is worth taking a moment to consider.

Not the easiest way to make a living

The strange fascination that Japan holds for its idols – nearly always young, virginal and without a single thought to call her own – is unnerving in in its intensity and its fickle nature. These stars are expected to serve under severe contracts, perform as often as necessary, sing and dance until their public worth has dried up, and sell any piece of garbage shoved under their nose.

The price for breaking these expectations can be extreme. The largest pop group in the world, the legendary (and completely awful) AKB48 (which currently has 88 all-singing all-dancing identical members) saw one idol, Minami Minegishi, punished after she was spotted spending an evening with a man. This outrageous display of individuality resulted in her demotion (yes, they have ranks in AKB48), and poor Minami lost her shit, appearing in a video crying, begging for forgiveness, and shaving her head as an act of penance.

“Totally worth it”

Hatsune Miku is a particularly interesting idol phenomenon because she doesn’t actually exist – she’s a virtual idol, her voice being produced by the Vocaloid 2 program. This allows for her complete co-operation – she’ll never age, never shack up with a man, or run over a pensioner and drive off, or snort a line of coke off Charlie Sheen’s sweaty buttocks – she’ll always be perfect, until she get’s boring, at which point they’ll simply design a new idol.

With that chilling thought, let’s return to Sailor Moon, where the idols may not be controlled, but they certainly are freaky blue monsters who entrap their doppelgangers in turquoise bukakke.

“Awesome, I can spend the next week not looking like a possum dipped in antifreeze”

Naru convinces Usagi to practice a song and dance routine with which they plan to become famous. They sing (TERRIBLY) to the opening song Moonlight Densetsu. They are so bad, in fact, that their duo immediately dissolves in shouting, and the promise to be rivals. It’s all incredibly stupid, and hilarious. Luna’s astounded and pained reaction to the whole event is the icing on the cake.

Usagi, realising she has no talent (which really took far too long), gets the idea of forcing Luna to perform acts similar to a chimp she sees on TV. As you can imagine, Luna is none too thrilled with all this. Meanwhile, Naru’s plan is far worse – she convinces a reluctant (but quickly enthusiastic) Umino to cross-dress with the promise that Usagi will find it attractive (he’s a moron, don’t forget), going for what she calls “the beauty and the beast angle”. Needless to say, it’s horrifying beyond all belief.

They get together, you know

Jadeite and his transformed-into-Mikan-monster are busy setting up the talent competition, under the bizarre plan of getting people who covet stardom to make fools of themselves and steal their energy. Perhaps this episode is trying to say something about the cruel fate of wannabe-idols.

On the way to the competition, Luna refuses to go any farther, revealing to Usagi that she had just been going along with her stupid ambitions because she felt bad for her. It’s a hard truth, too hard for Usagi, who runs off crying (of course). She runs into the mysteriously attractive asshole stranger. Acting like the shitbag he is, Mysterious Stranger takes the piss out of idols and anyone who wants to become one.

Mysterious Stranger has now appeared in a majority of the episodes, always to dissuade Usagi from getting involved with the stupid evil plots of Jadeite. One might even suggest that he’s doing it on purpose. Our hunky savior stands as a moral bastion for Japanese society!

*swoon*

With everyone at school acting like a fame-obsessed lunatic, it isn’t long before Usagi becomes suspicious of the Mikan-led competition, and displaying a perception and initiative quite unlike her, goes to investigate with Luna.

The competition takes place in an empty theatre. Now so hypnotised by the disco ball (a little retro, don’t you think Jadeite?), the contestants, which include Naru-chan and the transvestite Umino, don’t realise that they are performing to an empty room.

Usagi peeks into the theatre to see the hideous sight of Mikan twisting her head 180 degrees, her face now returned to that of the blue monster, but with the ridiculous orange bow still atop her head. The sight is absurdly disturbing. Usagi, understandably freaked out, runs screaming and hides in a bathroom cubicle, and it’s only Luna convincing her to transform into Sailor Moon that calms her down. It’s really is guffawingly good stuff!

The rest goes as you’d expect – Tuxedo Kamen turns up and saves Sailor Moon, the monster gets killed by a Moon Tiara Action and the victims of the Dark Kingdom come to none the wiser about the events that just took place. Even the naked, and probably by now starving and emaciated, real Mikan comes to, and all is good with the world.

“Ewww it’s in my mouth”

Except that Usagi is still left with the realisation that she is completely bereft of any sort of talent. At least the girl can throw a frisbee like there’ no tomorrow.

Episode Score: 3/5

Monster Freakishness Level: 4/5 (Freaky, until she starts attacking. Then she’s just silly)

Naru-chan Attack Count: 4 (At least she took Umino and his pride with her this time)

#Sailor Moon #anime #90s #Episode 7 #S01E07 #007 #Season 1 #cw #Public shaming #for the absolute fucking horror that is the Japanese Idol industry #Sorry for the delay #Things have been weird

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demonsdarling · 5 years

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lover first listen thoughts

some things about me: i love words. i write my feelings and my thoughts as much as possible. i’ve never been in love. i’m in love with the idea of love. i’ve been obsessed with miss swift since i was seven. i’m eighteen. this album has reinforced those incredibly strong feelings. i have fallen in love with even more of taylor’s words, and i hope my words help express my feelings about this wondrous album. it fills my heart and breaks it and makes me jump up and down and makes me wanna laugh and scream and dance. please enjoy my brain words.

i forgot you existed- relatable bop, love the lil spoken word bits. really enjoy miss swift’s voice, singing and speaking.

cruel summer - lyrically is so gooooood. HE LOOKS SO PRETTY LIKE A DEVIL. i think this might end up being a fav. so so catchy, please put this on the radio. i wanna scream to this at a party or with my friends.

lover - you already know i love this song soooo much. i am a sucker for love songs, and this is quite possibly my favorite one ever. definitely a contender for all time favorite song. might be my favorite taylor song.

THE MAN. - goes HARD !!! holy shit!!! taylor!!! wowie. miss swift SNAPPED!! sonically amazing! brooo im loving this. also little detail i love the way she says “i’m” in the chorus. love the bridge too!! snapped. went off. no one else could ever.

the archer - when it comes to track 5, this might be my favorite. actually the only other track 5 that compares in my heart is ayhtdws (sorry guys i just have taste. sad upbeat bops and loving slow songs are everything to me!!)

i think he knows - when the snaps started i was surprised! i thought it’d be slow. this is sexy. i relate to this one but he does not know actually. this is so hot. OH THE BRIDGE! OH! i wanna be in love, wanna be touched.

miss americana & the heartbreak prince - the verse like a poem. it’s full metaphor and i love it. sounds just like i expected. the chorus reminds me of rep! i love the high school vibes, it’s my first night at college. sounds like a mix between king of my heart and i did something bad. i really love this. i’ll be saying that for the whole album i think. i really enjoy the cheering in this it really emphasizes the high school vibes (go! fight! win! miss swift left the bleachers and is now cheer captain).

paper rings - AHH!! i love thèse vibes. this is so me. so so me. it sounds like the early 2000s. oh god i want this i want this so bad. this is love this is FUN HAPPY LOVE. this is dancing and laughing. sliding around on the floor in fuzzy socks. gently laughing kisses. definitely a favorite. i’m so in love. i feel this pulling at my heartstrings.

cornelia street - this is the second time she’s said drunk in the backseat. i will think about that later, for now i like the story this is telling me. i feel the fear of losing someone. i feel the pain that comes with that fear. to me, the beat attempts to mask those feelings but they shine through with her words. i can hear the worries of the biggest heartbreak ever. it’s terrifying to feel you’ve found true love and to be scared of losing it. the bridge sounds like another song i can’t place rn because i am too busy listening to this one. i feel like i heard her voice crack around 3:40. this holds the strongest emotions so far.

death by a thousand cuts - i wasn’t thinking this could be about love but of course it is!! the sounds in this are so unique and lovely. i love the chimes and the cowbell sound. one is in each ear right now. wow second verse wow. hey i like the guitar and vocals being on their own. i want to share this one with everyone i meet.

london boy - hey wow. i feel like this is worldwide love. DARLING I FANCY YOU. wow. she just keeps mentioning british things i’m smiling so much. someone take me to dance around london please. worldwide i love you taylor swift. i guess all the rumors (but probably spelled with a “u”) are true.

soon you’ll get better - i think i am not prepared. we will see. oh no oh god. i’m scared. this is a mom song. oh i can’t handle those they make me cry so much. oh my god i am crying. i love my mommy so much she is my best friend. i can’t imagine what it’s like for taylor. “you’ll get better soon, cause you have to” is the most important thing i ever have heard. i will take that and make it my own. “i hate to make this all about me...” hurt me hard. i love my mom. oh her deep breath about 30 seconds to the end.

false god - maam i cant switch that QUICKLY. it’s good as heck though. i got distracted at the beginning, thinking about should i send soon you’ll get better to my mom. OH LO-O-O-O-OVE. OH THATS GOOD. OH!! this album is showing really the trials and tribulations that exist even in true love, and i think that’s so important.

you need to calm down - this is a forever bop. i don’t have many new words for this one, but i love it oh so much! people don’t appreciate her as much as they should.

afterglow - one of my already fav songs is called afterglow, so i’m biased toward it already. this is really nice. i love the sound of this, and the emotions that shine through with the words. “meet me in the afterglow” is a beautiful line. i love it oh so much. i want to say it to a certain someone.

me! - i think i’m one of the few who genuinely enjoys this song. it will forever remind me of driving with my friends, all of us yelling “me hee hee hoo hoo hoo”. i have one specific memory, in the backseat, it’s sunset and i’m with two of my best friends and another i’m so grateful to have found this past year. three people i love singing along to a fun song by another person i love. i will cherish that forever. HEY KIDS SPELLING IS FUN IS GONE?? i was confused by that but okay.

it’s nice to have a friend - this is so very different from everything we’ve ever heard from taylor before. i’m really feeling this actually because i love and miss my friends so freaking much!! they mean so much to me. and i have this one new friend, my first college friend, who i’m so grateful to have and so glad she wants me to be her friend. i know that’s not the point of the song, i won’t be marrying her, but it is what i’m thinking about right now. now to the real words in it. the love in it is really warm. it was a really short song but i think it works. this feels like mary’s song. love you logan.

daylight- STEP INTO THE MF DAYLIGHT AND LET IT GO!!!!! love this so so much already. oh this is pulling my heart. oh wow. it’s golden. you are golden. we are golden together miss taylor. thank you oh so so much. she said step into the daylight and let it go. omg the voice memo- oh i love that. you are what you love. wow. the most beautiful way to end an album.

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runningonmarvel · 5 years

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be my valentine ch. 2

@you-get-to-exhale-now-cyrus second chapter of the Valentine’s Day exchange fic!!

A/N: takes place the two weeks before Valentine’s Day in their junior year. wonah. bandi. tyrus. a few curses. unedited but enjoy!!

Chapter 2: Hey, My Love

You've walked out a hundred times

How was I supposed to know this time

Jonah has been to seven concerts in high school, and the only one he really cared about was Harry Styles with Andi freshman year. Last year, during a period of time when he and Andi were actually getting along well, Andi had come to him begging him to accompany her to the King Princess concert. By the time the concert arrived, though, they were “taking a break” again, and Andi took Amber instead.

Jonah had gotten attached, though, to one song from her: Talia. That was the song stuck in his head while he strummed the guitar on Tuesday afternoon in the Red Rooster. It reminded him of the disaster of his relationship with Andi, but it made him think, more than that, of the new feelings he had.

“Earth to Jonah?” He snapped his neck up, bent over the guitar, and adjusted his fingers in the frets. Bowie was staring across at him, suspicious of his lack of focus.

“Ah, sorry. I’ll try again,” Jonah says, trying to shake the prior thoughts out of his head. He aligns his fingers for the first chord and goes to play, but Bowie shakes his head.

“No, let’s finish for today. You’ve worked hard, and I figure you need a break.”

Jonah nods and puts the guitar up on the stand. A text from his mom tells him that she won’t be there for another half an hour, so Jonah goes to browse through the records. A early memory of a time with Andi flickers in his mind, but he shuts it out. Every place in Shadyside, every school hall and bike path and storefront, has some memory of Andi and him. It’s impossible.

As he drums his fingers over the stacks of records, Jonah allows the new feeling to wash over his mind. A crush, a crush, a crush, is the heartbeat in his head. He feels guilty, even though he and Andi have been permanently apart for four months. Is he allowed to like someone else? After a relationship that lasted nearly four years, on and off?

And what makes it worse is who the person is. Because in a cruel twist of fate, the universe blessed him with feelings for the one person in the world Andi might be truly hurt to see him with.

Freaking Walker Brodsky.

Walker.

Walker!

The one Andi went on a couple dates with. The one Andi left so she could be completely with Jonah. The one Jonah hung out sporadically over the years until Andi and Buffy basically wrote him out of their friend group. The one Jonah in the past couple months has been hanging out with and texting. The one he now has an unfortunate, overwhelming, obvious crush on.

Jonah picks up a record and squints at it: a love song. Great.

“Hey Jonah, do you need a ride home?” Bowie steps into his line of vision and smiles at him.

“No, thank you my mom’s coming, I’m just going to look at the records for a bit. Maybe shop.”

Bowie nods and returns to the register where he empties the tip jar slowly. It occurs to Jonah suddenly that Bowie has never once acted strange since Andi and Jonah’s final breakup. He’s been the same eclectic, guitar-teaching Bowie the whole time, which is odd. Jonah knows the Macks to be a family where emotions run high.

He walks to the pick shelf, where several higher-end designs stick out to him. His mom would probably say it’s stupid to spend money on a better-looking plastic triangle; but then again, his mom would say a lot of things are stupid. Like Jonah being upset over Andi. Like Jonah having a crush on a boy.

He glances down at his phone: no new messages from his mom. So he picks out the best-looking pick from the shelf—nine dollars for the unique design—and takes it to the register. Bowie looks up as he places a crumpled twenty on the counter and pushes both items towards him.

“Splurging for a new pick?” Bowie asks, ringing it up.

“Seems worth it.” Bowie wraps the pick and hands him his change, then considers him for a moment.

“Jonah, would you… would you ever be interested in working here?”

Silence engulfs the store for a moment as Jonah processes that.

“Working here? As in… ringing up customers, organizing records, polishing guitars?” Already, Jonah has an answer in his head: yes. He needs a job if he’s ever going to be able to get out from under his mom’s harsh influence. And he loves the guitar shop because it makes him feel safer than most other places. Andi’s apartment and room used to be his safe space, when they were on good terms. But not anymore.

“Yes, exactly. I mean, you’re almost 17, right. A job would be nice, and we have lots of room for a spot.” Bowie leans back against the wall. “Plus you’d get to clean and fix guitars all day while listening to music. Good music.”

“Thank you! I—I’ll ask my mom about it tonight, and I’ll get back to you tomorrow.” Jonah doesn’t know how he’ll broach the subject with his mother, not without her yelling at him about irresponsibility and disappointment. He takes the packaged pick and slips it in his pocket with the change. A job would be so nice, and it would mean he could escape the house more often. Stay out late after work and hang out with Walker. Avoid his mom.

Jonah hates that that’s the thought in his head, but it is.

He sits back down on the lesson couch and is about to pick up a music magazine when Bowie sits down across from him. “Jonah, I’ve been meaning to ask. How are things going with you and Andi?”

Jonah stares. He stares, and then he swallows down an outburst. “Bowie, we—we broke up four months ago.” Jonah doesn’t know if Andi didn’t tell Bowie or if Bowie simply forgot, but the shock on his face suggests the former.

“You broke up?” “Yes, sir. We were off and on for a long time and finally she—we both decided it was time to put a final end to it. We’ve always been better off as friends but afraid to acknowledge it,” Jonah says carefully. He fiddles with the pick in his pocket, twisting it over and back four times.

“Jonah, I had no idea,” Bowie says. “Andi, she—“ he cuts off, stands up, and walks to the register. Jonah can see his mind processing as he blinks several times with his whole face and messes with the cash register drawer.

“Didn’t tell you?” Jonah asks softly, then regrets it. No response from Bowie, who looks like a lost puppy. Jonah starts to feel bad that he’s been left out from this crucial piece of Andi’s life, because Bex surely knows about it. That’s why Jonah has been avoiding Cloud 10 for months: fear of Bex and Cece.

It occurs to Jonah now that Bowie may be angry with him. May not want to give lessons to his daughter’s very permanent ex. May not want to give him a job. That last one is the killer; if Andi loses him this job then her curse on his life in Shadyside will be complete.

“Why did you break up, exactly?” Bowie asks, once he’s regained a bit of composure. Jonah nods, and then tries to explain.

“Andi and I have always been close friends, and while we were dating bad things usually happened because of our feelings for each other. We created drama or hurt ourselves somehow. It wasn’t meant to be, or at least it wasn’t meant to be romantic. We just didn’t work out.” Jonah finishes, feeling like he’s explained it well. He doesn’t add in the part about Andi being distant the last six months of their relationship, and he definitely leaves out the part about Jonah realizing his own bisexuality and dual attraction to boys as he was dating Andi.

Instead of responding, Bowie just nods. And he keeps nodding, obviously upset, until Jonah’s mom arrives in her truck and honks the horn several time. He waves goodbye, but gets nothing in return from the Bowie lost in his thoughts. Before Jonah leaves, though, he walks through the record section one more time and returns back to the section where he found the love song earlier. He searches through the old love songs until he finds Be My Baby by the Ronettes. Dragging his fingers over the rough record slip, Jonah thinks about the various songs he’s written about Andi over the years. The first one was here, on the stage over to the right, back in simpler days.

Jonah slides the record back into the stacks and walks towards the door. It’s time to let past things end; he can’t keep being haunted by the memory of Andi. His feelings have already moved on, leaving only guilt and the finality of breakup behind. How is he supposed to fall for someone else when this entire town used to belong to him and Andi? Still, as he exits the Red Rooster, an idea starts to form in his head.

An idea that would show his crush and himself that he was over Andi. An idea that would say, with no regrets: I like you, Walker Brodsky. No one else.

That you wouldn't call

That you wouldn't come home

————

On Wednesday morning, Cyrus is tired and already over the week. He was up late last night talking to TJ, then realized he’d forgotten to do his Bio homework. So after scrawling down some answers about mitosis and phases, Cyrus had fallen into a fitful sleep which hadn’t lasted over six hours.

Andi and Buffy are nowhere to be found before homeroom, so Cyrus goes to his locker alone. TJ has math tutoring on Wednesday mornings, so he won’t miss basketball practice in the afternoons, and he usually arrives just in time for homeroom. Meaning Cyrus is alone. He could look for Jonah, but Jonah has been disappearing in the mornings as of late.

When he arrives at his locker, though, Cyrus stops and blinks twice. Tied between the holes in the blue metal and dangling against the locker is a pair of bright green roller skates.

Roller skates?

Cyrus looks around, thinking maybe someone conveniently dropped their roller derby or Wednesday night skate shoes on his locker. But it’s early, and the hallways are mostly empty. So Cyrus approaches the shoes carefully, lifting one up to inspect it.

Not only are they bright green, his favorite color, but there are tiny dinosaur stickers stuck all across the plastic shoe. He gives the wheels a loose spin, determining that they’re aesthetically pleasing but not necessarily the most supportive nor safe pair of skates. Still, Cyrus stares down at them. They’re clearly for him, but who would leave him roller skates? Andi and Buffy?

“Hello?” Cyrus calls down the hall, just in case anyone left them and tried to run away. Iris looks up and waves at him from where she was gazing at her phone intensely. He nods at her, distracted; it couldn’t have been Iris. They barely speak except in history class, and somehow Iris has become better friends with Andi than Cyrus.

When no one else responds, Cyrus looks back down at the roller skates. Several memories flash in his mind, of skating with the Good Hair Crew when they were younger, of learning to actually skate with TJ, of Andi’s roller-skating birthday a few years ago. Cyrus knows how to skate—right? And if the skates are here, then he should probably wear them—right? Feeling slightly like an idiot, Cyrus unties the skates from his locker and slides his feet into the left, and then the right. He holds onto the locker as he tries not to slip. The hallway is completely empty now; Iris has run off somewhere. So Cyrus gets his balance while gripping the locker, inhales slowly, and remembers when TJ taught him to skate.

Distribute your weight evenly over the sole so you won’t fall over immediately. Use the brake if you need it, but you need it way less than you think you do. Skate in strides, like walking. Focus, and keep breathing. Your instincts will kick in.

Cyrus focuses, and he steps away from the locker. Stride left, stride right. And then the instincts take over, just like TJ told him they would. Cyrus is flying over the linoleum tiles, and he catches his breath. He can do this. He can do this. He can—

As the wheel catches on a stray book left in the hallway, another memory comes back to Cyrus: Jonah Beck trying to teach him to skateboard.

Cyrus feels his legs flailing beneath him as the wheels slide backwards. His knees hit the floor in a second. The ground has nearly reached his face when he feels an arm around his stomach stop the fall, pull him backwards, and leave him standing straight up.

“Cyrus?” He relaxes, realizing who it is.

“TJ!” Cyrus tries to spin in a circle, but he nearly slips again. TJ puts one steady arm around his waist and the other on his arm so he won’t fall. “Thanks for catching me,” Cyrus says sheepishly.

“I’m always there to catch you, Cy—but what’s with the roller skates? Joining roller derby?” TJ looks genuinely confused, his eyebrows drawn together in concern and his lips slightly pursed.

“Um. I don’t know who left them, but they were there. So yeah, I decided to try them out,” Cyrus says, which sounds like a bad explanation but is the truth.

“Okay, well, are you going to skate to homeroom now?” TJ asks, adjusting his math books under his arm.

“Oh, absolutely not,” Cyrus says. Over TJ’s shoulder he sees Buffy walking down the hallway, without Andi or Jonah. He waves, and she waves back, eyebrows raised at the skates. He leans forward, and feels his knees protest. “Nope, that’s not gonna work. I think I’ve broken my knees.”

Concerned, TJ glances at Cyrus’s legs. “Aw, Cy, you’ve got bruises all over. You’ve got to go the nurse.”

“I’ll take him!” Buffy chirps, reaching out to take Cyrus’s hand.

TJ stops her for a moment, pulls Cyrus back into a kiss, and then pushes him into Buffy’s arms. “Take good care of him, Driscoll.”

Buffy rolls her eyes. “I always do.” She takes Cyrus by the arm, positions him in front of her, and holds tight to his arms. “Let’s go, Goodman.”

Cyrus giggles, then shuts his mouth. “Did you leave these? Did Andi?”

Buffy shakes her head, and Cyrus considers that. She could be pretending, but both she and TJ had seemed genuinely shocked by the appearance of electric green roller skates on his feet. Strange.

Buffy manages to push him all the way to the nurse, then runs off to homeroom once he’s situated soundly in a waiting chair. After unlacing the skates and tying together the laces, Cyrus places them in his lap and settles back into the chair. His knees are bruised and aching as he waits, but he’s still warm inside from TJ’s kiss.

Suddenly, Cyrus hears someone slide into the seat next to him. He looks up to see Walker, who he hasn’t seen in months.

“Cyrus, hey,” Walker says. He rubs the back of his neck, and his eyes look tired. Cyrus waits, but Walker remains on the edge of his seat, meaning he’s here with a purpose. “Listen, I have a strange question.”

“Okay…” Cyrus says, running one hand over the plastic surface of the skates. “First—how are you? We haven’t talked in a while.” Walker nods. “Busy. I’ve got a big studio project due next Friday, and I want it to be part of my portfolio. How’s everyone?”

Swallowing Cyrus tugs on the laces of the skates. He knows that when Buffy ended things with Walker, he basically lost his main friend group. Walker and Amber seem to hang out a lot, but Amber almost never mentions him. There’s Natalie and Archie in Walker’s studio class, who Cyrus thinks he’s friends with. But he doesn’t know how Walker’s doing, not really.

“They’re fine. The usual.” “Yeah. Um, the question is—it’s—“ Walker stops himself, and Cyrus can hear the nervous beat of his foot against the tile. “Do you know if Jonah likes boys?”

Cyrus closes a hand around the knot on the laces. He’s suddenly aware of the heartbeat in his chest—did Walker just come out to him? No. But still—

“I’m not sure. He’s never said he has, you know—“ “Yeah, okay,” Walker says, and Cyrus hears the hitch in his breath as he gets to his feet.

“Walker, wait. He hasn’t said it, but neither had TJ the whole time I knew him. I thought he was the most heterosexual boy on the planet until he randomly came out to me. The point is—we don’t know,” Cyrus says, almost all in one breath.

Walker is silent.

“And,” Cyrus says, “Jonah is one of the most accepting people I know. He’ll be completely chill about it, I promise.”

“Okay.” Walker looks worried, and Cyrus remembers a similar feeling a year and a half ago when he was worrying if TJ would stop being friends with him if Cyrus admitted his crush. The anxiety had been real and consuming; every time Cyrus was with TJ, there was a voice in his head screaming: YOU HAVE A CRUSH YOU HAVE A CRUSH YOU HAVE A CRUSH. Cyrus understands.

“I didn’t know you and Jonah were friends,” Cyrus says carefully. Walker nods slowly.

“We have been for a couple months. We’ve known each other since… you know.”

Since Andi introduced us and then chose Jonah over me. That would be the implied instance.

It occurs to Cyrus that Walker liking Jonah of all people is quite ironic. But he doesn’t say that; he would be a hypocrite, anyway. He was the one dating for TJ Kippen, the boy his best friend used to hate.

“Listen, Walker. I think you should ask him to the dance. See how it goes. Jonah’s kind, and he’d be lucky to have you.”

Walker inhales sharply, and then he nods. Good luck, Cyrus thinks, but he doesn’t say it. Walker Brodsky has always been an enigma, and feelings for Jonah Beck are just another thing to add to the pile. Cyrus has had his suspicions about Jonah possibly liking not only girls, and now, it seems, they’ll all find out.

As Walker stands and walks away, Cyrus thanks his lucky stars that his crush on Jonah Beck went away—it’s kind of boring liking the boy everyone else does, isn’t it?

He gives the green roller skates one last once-over before rising to his battered knees and stumbling into the nurse’s office.

————

A cold wind knocks at Buffy’s window, and she glances out into the darkness. Math homework waits unfinished on her desk, but Buffy is sitting on her bed, legs swinging and mind racing. She plays back a series of moments in her head: the encounter with the Valentine’s Day banner, Cyrus’s text asking for help with TJ, Andi’s purposeful avoidance of her in the mornings and after school.

The wind blows harder, and Buffy grits her teeth. A note from her mom flutters where it is pinned to the bulletin board: a scrawl she left on top of a soup can for Buffy to find a few days after she left. The note reads: You are strong because you are kind, and you are kind because you are strong. I love you. Mom.

She left a week ago for Japan, and Buffy is alone again. Her father is at work, as usual. Buffy doesn’t know if Andi will answer her calls, and if she does, Buffy doesn’t know how she would act—the feigned normalcy from the past year or the new uncomfortableness? She can count on Cyrus, sure, except that he’s always busy with TJ.

So instead of reaching out to anyone, Buffy groans and sort of rolls onto the floor. After stretching out her legs sore from track, she flattens herself on her stomach to look under the bed. A minute of digging her hand around yields the scrap of fabric she’s looking for: a slightly battered pride flag, colored with the blue, purple, and pink of bisexuality.

Buffy glares at it.

This is what’s messing up her life right now. Her stupid feelings. And she can’t even show it in public, or rant to her mom about them, or talk to other LGBT people about confusing signals from possibly straight people. Buffy has told both Andi and Cyrus—Cyrus ordered her the flag. But no one else, so the symbol of her identity just sits untouched beneath her bed.

She runs a hand over the different stripes. When Buffy was ten years old, she wasn’t interested in anyone, girl or boy. Ten year-old Buffy would have thought the flag was made up of lots of pretty colors. When she turned thirteen, she was conscious that who she liked made a difference in who she was, at least for the outside world.

And then she had a tiny crush on Walker, until he tried to ask her to formal with a cult. So Buffy was convinced she was straight even at the beginning of her relationship with Marty, because it was crystal clear in her mind: she liked a boy. Cyrus liked a boy, so he was gay. She liked a boy, so she was straight.

Until the lines weren’t so clear cut anymore.

Like the colors of the flag, blurring into each other so her contact-less self wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between them. Buffy knew what it was like to like a boy. What she didn’t know—yet—was what it was like to like a girl. Until.

When Buffy talks about Marty now, she thinks of him in flashes. First: tentative friends, running partners again, cross country teammates as freshman year dawned. Next was that one time they held hands in the movies and never mentioned it again. Then came the pining and the realization she liked him. She liked him. Next was stress and worry and texting all night until one day they were sitting on the ground in Buffy’s room, right where she’s sitting now, and Marty leaned all the way in to kiss her. Then was dating bliss, then more worry, then breakdown. Buffy tried not to think about those phases, about which parts were her fault and which were out of her control.

Buffy also tries not to think about what happened two months after she hung up on Marty and ran to his house, crying, because they had to break up. Marty had disappeared from her life once again; only the ghost memory of him remained, haunting her runs. Marty from the party: her first kiss, her first love, her first true breakup: almost every first.

Almost.

What he could never be, though, was the first girl.

The realization developed starting midway through freshman year, and it just kept coming back to her. Girls. Girls. Girls. It was like running into a wall over and over again, and that wall was the poster of Fifth Harmony pinned across from her bed. That wall was Hayley Kiyoko’s music being constantly stuck in her head. That wall was the stick in her throat when playing ‘Never Have I Ever’ and Cyrus declared ‘Never have I ever been straight.’

Once she realized it fully, and she could say the word with reasonable calm, it was easy to make the same choice Cyrus had. Actually, it was the opposite of easy. But it felt natural, when she said the two words together. She even told Marty, who told her confidentially he was too, and they bonded over it. The flag came along soon after as a gift from Cyrus. Her spirit was all there: she had the right realization, coming out journey, and self-acceptance.

But sophomore year—that was something Buffy could consider later. She flips the flag over between her hands until she feels centered, and then she slides it beneath her bed again. From across the room, her phone dings with a new message, which she steps to her feet to answer.

GHC fools

kingofthebabytaters: yo gays

kingofthebabytaters: guys*

Buffy makes a note to throw something at him at some point.

kingofthebabytaters: do you think the plan for tj is good??

kingofthebabytaters: I feel like it’s too extra but also not extra enough you know

andicrack: okay back up I thought we were set on signs

kingofthebabytaters: we aRe! but like is that special? andicrack: you made homemade signs that a bunch of ppl are gonna hold up. uh, yeah it is cy

notavampireslayer: yo goodman don’t doubt your excellent plan

kingofthebabytaters: excellent plans don’t always work out

andicrack: name one time—oH are we talking about 8th grade

notavampireslayer: this better not be about that freaking CULT

kingofthebabytaters: the point is I really want TJ to love it

andicrack: maybe perhaps I was buffy

andicrack: HE WILL

andicrack: stop stressing cy guy

kingofthebabytaters: you sound like jonah

andicrack: ew

notavampireslayer: your Valentine’s Day will be great Cyrus I assure you

Buffy puts her phone down for a second to consider this. How is Cyrus, of all people, stressed out about Valentine’s Day? He has a boyfriend, and not a recent one either. He basically has a guaranteed good day. The last time Buffy celebrated Valentine’s Day for real was with Marty, and that was on the back half of their relationship. Tension was building. What she wouldn’t give for one good Valentine’s Day, when the person she likes likes her back completely.

She’s not supposed to be jealous of Cyrus having a relationship, but she might be, which sounds needy but might be the truth. Does Andi have a valentine? She thinks of Amber, feeling a pang of—something—and turns her phone over in her hand. She’s doing the Andi thing where she hides her feelings from herself if she doesn’t like that she’s feeling them. She learned it from the best, like maybe if she doesn’t acknowledge them, they’ll go away. Buffy taps the back of her phone with her hand; she knows her feelings won’t go away.

Rolling over on her bed, Buffy opens her phone to Netflix. Since it’s the week before Valentine’s Day, sad hours, and even more specifically sad gay hours, Buffy starts to turn on Love, Simon. Before she can, though, the ringtone of her phone interrupts the logos. It’s not a text but a call from a FaceTime number. Buffy swallows as she stares at the screen, trying to decide if she wants to pick up.

Who is she trying to trick? The phone is in her hand and the accept button pressed within two seconds.

“Hey, Buffy,” Andi says from the screen. She pushes a piece of bangs back from her eyes and smiles up at Buffy.

“What’s up?” “Just wanted to talk. See how you are,” Andi says, which sounds like a weak reasons anyways but even weaker coming from Andi, who never seems sure of herself anymore.

“I’m good…” Buffy says, then gets mad at herself for being boring. “I’ve just been thinking about freshman and sophomore years, you know. Reminiscing.” Andi nods along, and the two discuss school, friends, food, preferences, and the origins of Valentine’s Day (which happens to be the execution of two men during the Roman Empire). Buffy ends up modeling her two different options for a dragon costume (don’t ask), and Andi brings the phone downstairs so Buffy can say hello to Bex and Bowie.

An hour and a half later, Buffy can feel her eyelids drifting closed but doesn’t want to stop talking. It’s been a good several months since they have really talked like this—and it’s been a year since they’ve talked for so long with a comfortable ease. Everything dates back to one year ago, to what Buffy regrets every day and doesn’t regret at all. Her mother would tell her to ignore the regrets and just live, which is exactly what she’s trying to do. But Andi and her complicated feelings always make things hard, just like they did with Jonah. Buffy knows, somewhere, that the complicated feelings aren’t just from Andi; they’re from her too. But it’s easier to blame the problem that’s on the surface rather than the problem deep inside of her.

Because the problem deep inside is related to a word Buffy has only heard therapists say with meaning: commitment. And the second issue has to do with the flag underneath her bed.

But Buffy has her mom and Cyrus and yes, Andi, to worry about, so she doesn’t think about these things.

“So Buffy,” Andi says, slicing through her thoughts. “Is Marty dating someone right now?” “He’s dating Eleanor,” Buffy says as quickly as possible, then stops. Andi’s jealousy of Marty is an idea she can get behind, if it gives her any leverage.

“Yeah? What happened to Ross?”

Buffy laughs, only because Marty’s first boyfriend was a crackhead who he loved too much. Of course Ross broke Marty’s heart. “Ross is long gone.”

Andi nods, slowly. Then she says what Buffy thinks she’s wanted to say all this time: “I think Jonah likes someone else.” I think you like someone else, Buffy thinks, but she shuts herself up. “Who? Amber?”

Andi laughs. “Hopefully not, since she’s definitely a lesbian.”

“Jonah has a history of bad crushes.” Ouch.

“Jonah can like whoever he wants, I don’t care. I hope he has a good Valentine’s Day. WIthout me.” Andi looks very pleased with herself, which she honestly should be. On-again-off again Jonah and Andi had lasted multiple years and in a year alone had undergone seven separate disasters (Buffy counted). And yet, here she is, four months later, still a little caught up on him.

Jealousy stings.

“Good to know you’re being civil about it, Andi,” Buffy replies, not really paying attention.

“Oh, I am. Libby and I still have plans to form a club: the ex-Jonahs.” “Form that club and I may have to block your number and burn my phone for good measure.” Andi giggles.

“Wow, we’re really bad with boys, huh?” Andi asks, tilting her head to the side.

“Girls too,” Buffy agrees, and Andi smiles a tiny smile. Buffy thinks of the flag and counts to three the different shades until she’s calm again. But when Andi smiles, with that gorgeous smile and brilliant eyes—

Time to shut this down before it got away from her.

“Look at us,” Andi says, her chinks blushing pink. “Single on Valentine’s Day. Maybe we should go to the dance together. After all, Cyrus abandoned us by getting a boyfriend. We’re the same as we’ve always been.”

As Buffy nods along to agree that yes, they should go to the dance together, yes, it would be extremely fun, and yes, Cyrus is now an official traitor to the Good Hair Crew and they need to hold auditions for a replacement immediately, she turns over that statement in her head like she had the note from her mom and the flag.

Somewhere around 12:42 am, Andi whispers a goodbye from the relative darkness of her room. Buffy mumbles one back, blinking sleepy tears from her eyes and waving with a slightly glowing hand. Andi waves back, and neither of them hang up until Buffy feels her eyes actually drift shut and finally does. She falls asleep in the next minute with Andi stuck in her mind, playing on repeat next to the words Valentine’s Day and dance.

On the other end, Andi stays awake until an even more ungodly hour, mostly staring at her window and wondering. Wondering how she can have messed up something so badly yet be lucky enough not to have ruined everything. Wondering if Jonah will ever return her third favorite sweatshirt. Wondering if Buffy is asleep now or laying awake thinking. Wondering whether every decision she makes is a massive mistake or a useless choice. Wondering how she’s going to get through this.

We’re the same as we’ve always been.

But they’re not. The unspoken between them is a living, breathing thing: one year old. Andi remembers the day; how could she not? Buffy may think Andi has forgotten it; she hasn’t. The reason sticks in her head every day: the reason for the tension, the reason for the discomfort, the reason for a year of needless separation.

It’s just a reason Andi can never even begin to acknowledge.

And so she doesn’t.

#andi mack #am gift exchange #valentines exchange #friendom gift exchange #wonah #bandi #tyrus #writing #fanfic

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itsautumnserenade · 5 years

Text

Feeling Twenty Two

Dedicate to twenty two area, whether going to be, am now, or was. Here's I serve you my even number feeling experiences In celebrating someone who turns out 'his/her' twenty two next step life Happy twenty two for you Being twenty two, for me means something From years earlier, I always thought of even numbers and how it felt like When I was fourteen, I walked into crossroads to get to school at 6.30 am I was in rush, walked too fast and kept my head on black wristwatch Thought am I gonna be late? I was a public transportation-user back then The next day, I walked through pavement slowly Making sure I could see a clear sky, or mountains over the south side Or even breathe the fresh air, at that time my mind stated a line 'Two years from now, I'd be sixteen, I'd be wearing different uniform, even tho still walking the same path' How it feels like to be sixteen? I am living happily in fourteen, knowing what music that I love, listen it almost every day Devoting all delicacy of new album called Speak Now I know it's not food I'd call delicate, but this is my favorite best album Knowing what movies I'd like to watch, waiting every Thursday to purchase new magazine I am happy with what I love now, what else could make me happier then? I thought that way, along with 'Hilary Duff - Sweet Sixteen' song When I was sixteen, I learnt how heartbreak concern on your love story How it shaped you into a person who fragile, burst into tears all the time How cruel he was, or how dare he did All that agony of being intrigued by egoism, and control freak All that lame line, somehow made you cry instantly I was experienced in what people called being Red, being brave to what you feel It is truly a lesson, to suffer all these chic love story And most girls felt the same too The next year, I know it is normal to feel sad and it will be okay I was in a busy street and busy line, opened up new book in life Telling you stories of a girl drowned in pages of new chapter Different people, experience, and that red thing I still staring clear 3 pm sky, that made wonderstruck view of yellow pantone I do enjoy singing till voice hurts, or being 6 am to 9 pm in school OR those extra-hausting tasks, or extracurricular I am confident with what I do now, what else things that could challenge me after these? When I was eighteen, I didn't walk the same pavement anymore Or I would love to say, I moved in a big old city with excitement Thought it is the journey and city I've been waiting for And it is really true that people can be so mean, can be careless, stabbed your friend in back I saw how they badmouthing, and watched how pretty little liars / gossip girls coming real I saw how people really throw rocks at things that shine, because they can't Or they think they sparks everywhere, but honestly there are too much shit on the floor Creating and developing your passion, because they have none At this moment, being careless, or just focus do what you love should be your top priorities Not what people told you what should you do, not what everybody does and you're just different People who love you will help you People who hate you still spreading hates and insist others to mock you anyway They will brutally tell the world that you are a monster. But you are not a monster. But your life doesn't define by what people told you At this time, being truly yourself like you were just born, is what you should keep on mind When you sit down, and relax Remember to see that clear sky is still blue just like mine in 1996, or her in 1989 You just need to remember people will hate you somehow But you can built a castle out of all the bricks they throw at you And at that time I WAS really enjoy doing self-persistence I was ignoring badmouth in a best way, and in other way You are your own source of happiness I am persistent with what I think now, what else could break me anyway? When I was finally twenty, in the middle of looking for bright future, or seeking past isn't a cons afterall Why choose to leave your past when you can rebuilt from it? I thought that way in my long journey of what will I be doing for final project? I was underrated since I got 'not A' too often And thought that this will be my last to do college to make my dad proud So I seek days to days, create plan and targets, a year before first defence I prepared, but as always people told me that I am selfish and ambitious Short story, I did it, but the story didn't end there. Like I told you, people will mock you in any chances, as if it's never satisfy them But thing is, this is your life, so my mind told me to 'eye's bright, chin's up, smile's on. I am talking to you, dear' And so it goes, and so it built us an identity A pride where you were finally spread happiness of surroundings Father far away there, mother, brother and little sister I think if it's something that make you proud, it is where you could strive to be your reputation I am twenty two right now, and I have been waiting the time where my twenty two arrived since I was sixteen It is really a mixture feelings of being happy, free, confused, terrifying, and excited at the same time You have no idea where life leads you, you find that it doesn't matter how big or small the circle is, but the quality People say, welcome to quarter life crisis. But I say, you can choose to be happy facing it, or not. You find that you are the creator of your happiness and you are responsible for it, and that's freaky awesome A question, are you happy right now? Blessed? What makes you happy? Or in deeper and tougher question I would love to ask "Are you happy being your own ME! ?" I also find out that love is really a ruthless game unless I play it good and right And I am waiting a little chance I know it won't pursued by anyone or anything, not even me It is a phase where heart, body, and soul, but mostly mind traveled a lot, anywhere it takes me Happiness is matter, it brings you inner peace. And when you got that inner peace, some people will say 'you are cool', and just smile on it. Of course, it is in you that know how hard to passed your dragon battle But not only joy or happiness that I talked about, I learn in this age, little attitude is matter too And it's beautiful if you don't forget Lastly, if you're happy being twenty two Step into a daylight and let it go You are you.

#happybirthday

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lizzleolsen · 5 years

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my feelings on tracks of Lover. (assumptions on many for now)

Every single track and how I feel as of today on it, which I will keep updating as times goes on, with dates as to when I do update per song, just for my own personal reference to look back on. I wish I had written down the first 3 songs before today, but it is what it is.

I Forgot That You Existed - (8-16-19) My initial thought is that things song is about her haters maybe? Like she doesn’t even think of them anymore? She’s so happy, she forgot they exist? OR her past loves? Like none of them matter now that’s found her love that she was looking for all along? (8-23-19) This song is literally exactly what I assumed it would be about, but the sound and the exact way she went about it is just perfect. I love it oh so much, and it was strong a strong way to start the album, and the PERFECT transition from Reputation. “It isn’t love, it isn’t hate, it’s just indifference”

Cruel Summer - (8-16-19) Track 2′s have historically been THAT song for me, so I have high hopes for this song. I can’t wait!!! And I deff think it’s about the summer of 2016. A cruel summer for Taylor and all. (8-23-19) - The way she says “He looks up grinning like a devil” just ehurtehguerghre. It’s almost very Halsey like, that one part, but I love it. I love the way it’s said, the emotion behind it, and the entire bridge is what makes me love this song as much as I do. This song is truly bridge city.

Lover - ( 8-16-19) The last line of the verses give me actual chills each time I hear it, and I teared up completely the first time I ever listened. It just shows how happy she is, and truly in love she is as well. This song screams LOVE in the loudest way possible. In a way that is explained in the way it makes you feel when you listen. Her voice is so smooth on it, and I hope I always have the reaction to this song I did upon my first listen. I get emotional even just thinking about it. (8-23-19) - Still such a strong song. So glad it was released early and is a single. It deserves it. It’s truly her most romantic song she’s ever had. It’s perfect.

The Man - (8-16-19) I’m very curious to actually hear this song. We know the basis of it already with her saying that it’s about if she were a man how she’d been treated differently, but the actual song, and how it will unfold, I’m just curious to see. (8-23-19) - It’s sad how true this song is, and how she says so much, in such an upbeat manner, about a topic that is so serious. I enjoy the beat, and the overall song, even if not a complete fave. It’s a bop nonetheless. the part where she calls out Leo is amazing, and I’m so happy it’s there.

The Archer - ( 8-16-19) This is 100% a both earphones in kind of song. The almost haunting sound of it is part of what makes it work so well, and the heartbeat sound behind it just adds so much to it. The lyrics “Who could ever leave me darling, but who could stay” just hit in a way that I did not ask for. (8-23-19) - This song stands out so much on the album, as such a different type of love song. A haunting, beautiful song, that is such a unique part of the album, that I am glad she included within it. The more I just digest the lyrics, the more it breaks my heart.

I Think He Knows - (8-16-19) My mind 100% goes to this being about Joe, and him knowing how much she loves him, without her having to tell him in all these songs or at all? He just knows. That’s what I am assuming. (8-23-19) - Another song that the title did say exactly what it was, but my gosh, the way she sings it, the beat, the quickness of certain parts, and the way she delivers lines. And just. Her saying what pulls her into Joe, and also her “He better lock it down or i won’t stick around” Tehtrghre. Taylor is like “marry me or bye” ALSO He’s so obsessed with me and boy I understand. She loves herself, and I love it.

Miss Americana & The Heartbreak Prince - (8-16-19) I honestly have no idea at all what this could be about. My thought process has gone from something to do with Taylor and Joe, to somehow just being about a friend of hers or something? I guess it could be like call it what you want 2.0? Just about what people perceive about them? OR is it about like her past relationships, and playing off of what people said about all of them? I’m just excited to see what it is! (8-23-19) - Call it what you want 2.0 seems to be kind of what this is, in a certain way? idk. I enjoy this one so much though. I love her going back to 16, and the picture she paints of life as homecoming, and high school, and it never really changing, and just the way the world is painted so vividly, in such a different way. And god, her voice. It’s just. Amazing. It’s such a cool concept for a song. I just love that about it more than anything else. It’s such a vivid image in my head. You play stupid games, you win stupid prizes are some of my favorite lyrics on the album. ALSO, It's you and me, that's my whole world. She’s literally hiding from the entire world with him, because he’s it. He’s her world. wrhweuhreguhregu.

Paper Rings - (8-16-19) Did they make papers rings in their living room? Because she’s not wearing any formal ring publicly? You know, if the whole “they could be engaged/married” angle is at all right lol. That’s where I’m going with that. Something to do with rings that just made. Clearly, that’s too obvious, and it’s not that, but it’s all I can think atm. (8-23-19) - OMG, this song makes me so happy. It’s so old school, and happy, and makes me feel like I think Shake it Off and Me! do for so many. I just can’t help but smile and love the beat soooooo much. I LIKE SHINY THINGS BUT I’D MARRY YOU WITH PAPER RINGS!!! Just. I love this song so much. It’s the song I did not know I needed this much. I needed it oh so much, and how much it makes me smile. Every single part of this song just hits me in the best way. It makes my heart feel so much, and it’s just hard to explain how much things song already means to me. My reaction the first time hearing the shiny things/paper rings line was just me being ewuhreuhgeurgheur. I was just so in love with it from the first moment, and awwing so much. She’s so cute and in love.

Cornelia Street - (8-16-19) NEW YORK!! I can’t wait to hear this song!! I might be most excited for it? I love New York so much, my favorite city in the world, PLUS it’s name is my fave character from my childhood (From W.I.T.C.H.) And so this song just pulls me in already, and I can’t wait to see what it’s fully about. (8-23-19) - I had no idea what to expect, but what I got was not what I thought, with the beautiful flowers as an easter egg. This song is so heartbreaking. Just the thought of losing someone who means so much, you could never go somewhere again. That honestly hits me hard and is probably why this song means so much to me. I understand that oh so much. ALSO, her voice is so beautiful, and those lyrics. And this song will forever mean a lot to me, from here on out. And now I want to go to Cornelia street, when I visit NYC again someday and just sob. This song really means a lot to me, and I've noticed the more a song means to me, the hardest it is to put into words. The shake of her voice during one of the ending parts, just hits me so hard, and I’m so glad this song was so different from what I imagined in my head. I got emotional on my first listen through. Just thinking of how much it hurts to lose someone who means everything to you, and how much Taylor loves Joe.

Death By A thousand Cuts - (8-16-19) My heart aches just thinking about this being about her being cut from so many different angles, and then she’s saved by the fans and Joe. Like that’s where my mind is with this title. I want to think it’s still like a happy song, but has sad things about it? Like finding the light through all those cuts? I can’t wait to see how wrong I am about 90% of these lol. (8-23-19) - This song sounds like a Christmas song to me! Like in parts, the beat and the way it sounds, it just does. Which is such a good thing tbh lol. Also, the lyrics are amazing, and this is another fave. Tbh it’s 3 faves back to back. 8-10 are some of my faves on the entire album. Such a strong trio within the album. This is such a good heartbreak song. “But if the story's over, why am I still writing pages?“ And ehrtuehtuerhguerher. ALSO the way she sings it is probably one of my fave vocals. I just really enjoy the sound of this one, on top of the lyrics oh so much. And the bridge. Wow. I can’t even pick a favorite part, because the entire song honestly is. Besides Lover, this song is my #1. And I was so nervous when this song started, because of the song before it, and the title, and just, I wasn’t emotionally ready.

London Boy - (8-16-19) If this is not just a song about Joe, then I will be really shocked. Just about her falling in love with her London Boy. (8-23-19) - It’s a cute song. I think it’s sweet she has such an obvious song about Joe, and their life in London, but I also can’t say it’s a fave. It’s cute though, and I do hope to see it live, and get to see what visuals she would put with it. I’m sure it would be adorable. It’s also SUPER catchy, and I just know it’ll get stuck in my head! I also spent quite a few long minutes freaking out, trying to decide if that was Joe at the start, and being way too happy thinking it was, then I saw that it was Idris Elba. Still exciting, but not quite the same lol.

Soon You’ll Be Better - (8-16-19) A song about healing if of course what I think with that title. About getting through something tough, and just knowing that soon it’ll be over, and everything will be better. There’s always a light at the end of a tunnel, and clearly, Taylor has found it, and that is what I think this song is about. (8-23-19) - One of the most heartbreaking songs I’ve ever listened to. The only time I’ve ever had to actually step away from an album before I could finish it. It just broke me. I couldn’t simply sit there and listen to it after that song played. I had to step away, and take a moment to gather my emotions. My mom is everything to me, and it just hits a bit too hard and close to home. And I’d rather not listen again anytime soon. It’s beautiful, but a one time listen for sure. My heart can’t take much more.

False God - (8-16-19) I think of quite a few men when I hear this song. People who think they can say and do whatever they want, and just get away with it. Kanye, Trump, Scooter, etc. They think they are invincible, and that’s 100% where my mind goes with a title like that. (8-23-19) - Honestly, my least fave on the album. Which doesn’t mean it’s horrible, but it’s not anywhere close to what I would say is a Taylor Song I adore. It’s just... the beat is weird, the lyrics are not my favorites. And I just can’t get into it.

You Need To Calm Down - ( 8-16-19) So the first time I heard this song, was a very memorable moment. Sitting in my room, hearing Taylor Swift sing “Shade never made anybody less gay” was such an etyrtewhrrt moment. This song is my fave upbeat of the two released by far. It gets stuck in my head 24/7, and I really love the beat, meaning, and fun nature of something as serious as how cruel people can be to others. And the video! OMG. It’s amazing, and so colorful, and just. WOW. ALSO, the way she sings the bridge is my favorite thing, I can’t even explain why it just is. (8-23-19)

Afterglow - (8-23-19) The only song I did not post about before release, and I don’t know why. I think I just forgot about it? For some reason... But honestly, it’s also that on the album for me. It’s good, but it’s not a complete fave. I think it’s interesting to see this side of Taylor, admitting that side of her, and where she pushes people away, and how she reacts to things. I do enjoy that she included a song like this, about a fight that did not end in goodbye. She paints such a vivid picture so well, and I can just close my eyes and see it all so easily. And I do love that oh so much.

Me! - ( 8-16-19) Is this my favorite Taylor song ever? No. But I deff recall the day, and even the week it came out, how excited I was, and how it made me feel. It makes me smile so much. It’s such a feel-good song. And to see Taylor in such a good place, and accepting that she’s important to everyone as HER and all that is amazing. I think it doesn’t hit hard emotionally, but that doesn’t make it less of a song. Some songs should just be fun to sing along with and fill you with joy, and that’s what this one does for sure. (8-23-19) - I found a newfound love for this song, when I needed it oh so much after soon you’ll get better, and it gave me such a good little dance break with my sister. It was such a happy moment, following not long after that heartache, and I loved having it.

It’s Nice to Have a Friend - (8-16-19) Joe? Her parents? Selena? Fans? There are so many people this song could be about. Those who were there for her through all the tough times, and actually were there for her and didn’t just leave. ORRRRR it could be very sarcastic, like TIWWCHNT, and be about those who leave, and just being like ‘oh it’s so nice to have a friend’ in the worst way? Now I’m curious to see how this song actually goes lol. (8-23-19) - This sounds like a final song on an album if that makes sense. And it’s odd that it’s not. It’s a cute little song, but that’s really what it seems like. Just a short ending song, to round everything together. I enjoy it though, for exactly what it is. And just to see the progression of friendship with love over the years. It’s such a cute transition, from childhood love to marriage. And I love it. It’s adorable.

Daylight - (8-16-19) Step out of the dark and into the daylight. I am picturing a slow, beautiful song, about leaving behind the dark and finding the light in life, and I’m so ready for it!! (8-23-19) - What an amazing song to wrap up the entire album with. It’s so beautiful, and the perfect summary up of the entire album. It’s about happiness, and her love, and not the people who hurt her as the album before was so filled with. And I love that so much. I love the call back to Red, and how much her life has changed since that heartbreak way back then. I love the imagery she paints within this song, and how bright she paints her world, even if it’s just the two of them, and the rest is still the darkness of Reputation. It’s beautiful.

#taylor swift #lover #my ramblings

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cloneslugs · 5 years

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oh fuck u sent me multiple so demo/engie/medic/scout and also u can do the one i already sent

ty i love you

Demo

favorite thing about them

he’s super fun!!! but also really smart and caring and just an all around cool dude he’s like B) !

least favorite thing about them

this isnt about him personally lol but like official stuff(comics) lighten the fuck out of his skin and its like. dont

favorite line

i didnt even see this question when i first did this wtf but uh all his “i love you” esque lines are really excellent

brOTP

exclusing soldier lol!!! probably sniper or engie!!

OTP

soldier :’)

nOTP

besides scout & pyro & just like. looking at just the mercs no one really demo deserves love

random headcanon

he likes turtles a lot & just reptiles/amphibians in general just in a kinda neat/favorite animal type way nothing special, he gets around with engie and sniper and they all get drunk and they talk about cryptids, he has a super big heart he loves love, outside of the battlefield he’s pretty apprehensive and cautious moreso than lots of the others at least, he doesnt push himself to be it often just bc he doesnt like leaderly positions but he defo has one of the more valid voices of reason amongst all of them, he loves to help and just listen to people he’s always ready to offer you a drink and take a load off and just talk things out & he’s super chill and easy to talk to anyway, he comes off as really lazy but he can jump up and make do when he needs to

unpopular opinion

idk whats considered popular or not on here lol but like!! he’s not just stupid silly drunk man he’s actually got heart and is pretty intelligent & like probably one of the better off mercs if he wanted himself to be

song i associate with them (this is literally the worst question im so bad at this if i dont have lots n lots of searching time and also i forget all music ever)

cheap thrills - sia

favorite picture of them (sorry 4 bg edits im doing what i have on hand lol)

hes so fucking happy i love you!!!

Engie

favorite thing about them

he’s my fucking husband he makes my heart fucking soar!!! he’s a quiet little sweetheart and he’s just really smart and nice and has morals iusdahui

least favorite thing about them

fucking nothing you animals

favorite line

all his fucking nerdy engineering lines are so fucking good ;____; he’s so smart and passionate god“i love engines! pinion shafts! flanges. mitigating shock loads. but most of all: i love winnin’!” “they won’t know what hit ‘em! though it’ll likely to be bullets. statistically speaking” theres more but im like ;___; just thinking about him ah

brOTP

medic babey!!!!!! i have a thing for shitty best friends that tire each other out (especially on one side) but love each other at the end of the day and are just ride or diepyro also but for completely different reasons :-)

OTP

spy is fucking excellent -.- dont @ me

nOTP

soldier lol (excluding pyro & scout)

random headcanon

i think all the mercs are autsitic but engie is one of my fucking fav ahhhhh, he and medic info dump for hours especially where their special interests overlap and it gets really boring if youre not one of them lol, he loves learning but he hated school so much ):, he has pretty bad anxiety but only under certain circumstance, he’s kinda jealous that spy gets to automatically be seen as a paternal figure bc of scout and he kinda wishes he could settle in like that but he also doesnt think he’d be very good at it for a very prolonged amount of time, he loves math!!!! he loves numbers a lot he associates it with lots of fun and colors and just !!!!! wow wow!!, he has really really really high empathy when it comes to machines and stuff, he loves dogs especially smaller ones, he really loves to fidget w/ tools and stuff bc he always has one on hand and theres lots you can do with some of them, he’s really lazy and has a hard time applying himself sometimes

unpopular opinion

the comics really brush him aside i need to see him more please for the love of god he’s just as interesting as anyone else also fat engie is the only valid engie & also soldier/engie is fucking forced and weird idk where it comes from except they wear hats lol & also people call engie short but if you dont make him 5′00 give or take 3 inches youre doing it wrong and i cant stand by it

song i associate with them

this is like. also a soldier song for me lol but Here I Dreamt I Was An Architect - the decemberists

favorite picture of them

ms pauling and medic!! his buddies :) also i just love the shadowboxers art

his fly costume makes me so ;___; i love you little man

also i hate to default to beard engie but this is literally the sexiest man alive

Medic

favorite thing about them

i have a thing for shitty men with halfway decent hearts but are trying(sometimes) okay like okay he’s so chaotic and bad but ;___; i love you

least favorite thing about them

this mostly applies to his Meet the vid but he comes off as really apathetic and cruel? i think in everything else he comes off as a bit nicer if not absentminded and not too socially aware which is :)

favorite line

bro when he warns heavy about that gun in the comix? gay rights U__U also the like “you can take the brain out of the criminal and put it in a pumpkin, but you cant take the criminal out of the brain in the pumpkin” or whatever shit sir i love you

brOTP

engie baby!!!! i also really like spy & sniper bc im weak for shitty support relationships i think med just works really good w/ everyone really in some way

OTP

heavy baby!!!

nOTP

all of the mercs are fine (excluding the usual lol) but like cHeavymed people are freaks die

random headcanon

he has really poor eating & sleeping habits he almost relies on everyone else to keep him alive, he’s autistic & he’s jewish but not really practicing, he pulls & tugs on things when he’s stressed, he’s actually really smart medically he just doesn’t like showing it/messing w/ people (it makes some of the smarter mercs nervous lol), when he gets bored & has nothing to play with he digs for drama he loves to start unnecessary arguments that have no value whatssoever, he’s scared of dogs, he only trusts sniper & maybe heavy to handle his birds if he were to die, heavy & archimedes are like mega comfort objects(?) for him !!, he’s kinda really bad at showing he likes/cares for people, this goes especially hard on engie ):, he has a really big sweet tooth, he cant cook, he doesnt ever censor himself and can be pretty rude, he’s an open book and has no sense of integrity, he got super attached to heavy right off the bat for seemingly no reason and it was just super awkward lol, he gets distracted really easily and drops projects too often when he gets bored/forgets, his room is a mess he doesnt know how to do chores, he’s trans and hasnt done anything to medically transition but he handles everyone on team who is

unpopular opinion

he’s not a fucking sociopath lol like he has a heart and cares he just has a hard time differentiating right from wrong and doesnt think things out i love you

song i associate with them

this is my emo music time i keep changing this but im gonna go It Was A Swift Not A Swallow - Crywank

favorite picture of them

i cant pick between these two he’s saving his fucking boyfriends life & also the 2nd he just looks so peaceful and :)

Scout

favorite thing about them

he’s a sweet boy!!! he just wants friends and he’s stuck with a bunch of middle aged men we have to love his endurance also he’s a little baby faced menace i love you

least favorite thing about them

in the canon i ignore lol.. too straight we cant have that

favorite line

all his lines talking about how the group of them are all best friends and stuff??? i love that

brOTP

sniper !!!! also spy also everyone

OTP

no one really lol pyro is like. the only one im comfy w/

nOTP

sniper lol if we’re talking popular things & all the rest of the mercs really

random headcanon

he’s a super sweet boy who loves everyone on the team, he warmed up the fastest out of all of them and became super attached!!, he really wants a base dog, he really likes to spend time with everyone and listen to them talk like he loves sitting with engie and having him explain nerdy engineering nonsense that he’ll never get but he tries to but its just fun seeing how excited the other person is!!!, he became super close to sniper right off the bat for some reason which is weird bc scout can talk forever and sniper doesn’t know how to hold a conversation for more than 5 minutes but they like hanging out even if it gets tiring, he lives off of sugary drinks medic keeps telling him to stop, he loves to hang out w/ spy and they get on each others nerves but really enjoy it at the end of the day, he has little to no sense of boundaries, he loves to give hugs!!, he really tries to engage with everyone’s interests like i said he just loves making/seeing other people happy, he loves being part of big groups it always just feels like a big family to him

unpopular opinion

he gay :)

song i associate with them

the calculation - regina spektor

favorite picture of them

trans rights!!!

Soldier

favorite thing about them

he is a sweetheart he is my big stupid husband and we both love raccoons =.=

least favorite thing about them

the patriotism…… we arent having that

favorite line

he’s literally so fucking funny especially all his things w/ merasmus and just. everything

brOTP

excluding demo uh !!! SPY!!!! :D

OTP

demo :)

nOTP

engie x.x

random headcanon

he’s super sweet !!! he loves his friends so much, he loves to show off his raccoons to everyone :), he bonds w/ sniper over wildlife(raccoons), everyone has a lot of patience w/ him bc he struggles to communicate things a lot and kinda needs his time to get points across, he’s actually really observant and it would be really good if he just didnt jump to wild conclusions based off of it all the time, he’s really conscious of his actions and how they affect others like he’s kinda violent impulsively but hes taken note of who is and isnt okay with it or who’s okay w/ him saying what in front of them, he’s really protective of his friends!!! he knows theyre capable but he loves looking out for them, he loves to drag them off on fitness expeditions/training but he tires out before a good number of them/gets bored, he wakes up the earlies he loves the mornings, he can cook but nobody knows it, like scout he loves to indulge in what other people like but he’s more handson he loves to screw in screws for engie or hand medic tools or read out loud to spy or heavy or show sniper things he catches/turn over rocks with him, he loves medics birds but doc wont let him touch them ):, he wants to get a base dog too, he has no volume or tone control, probably the best hugger, he’s kinda shy about personal things like himself in general or being trans & liking guys he’s actually pretty decent at keeping personal things to himself not that he wouldnt share it just feels weird,

unpopular opinion

he’s not just like shouty mean stupid man,,, he’s actually really sweet

song i associate with them

rejoice- AJJ

favorite picture of them

i have worse naked honey pics but this is fucking it lads gay rights

#im like. digging thru my tee eff 2 playlist on spotify this is hell #asks #tf text #sorry this is long lol i feel like im leaving out so much #also shout out to cecil youre the only valid person out here #triplecrossed #if i missed anything kick me #these make me so happy to do i love talking and talking and talking about my interests

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sunyoonandstars · 6 years

Text

✨Linked✨ || BTS Soulmate AU Series || You x !Soulmate! Yoongi | You x Jimin || Part 17

Text/Social Media/Narrative Series || Soulmate & College AU

Previous Part | Next Part

LINKED MASTERLIST

“According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.”

― Plato, The Symposium

Credit goes to the incredible @789cream for creating this beautiful moodboard for my series. Thanks again!

Despite your efforts to keep him at a distance, following his instincts, Yoongi eventually approaches you from behind to carefully hold back your hair, just in case, and rub your back in soothing circles. Soon, he can feel your breathing slow down and your tense muscles relax.

“I’m — I’m sorry. This —”, you stutter, your voice shaky, heavy with tears.

“It’s okay, y/n. Just inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Don’t think. Just breathe.”

Being this close to you, actually feeling your body press against his, feeling your warmth under his palm, is almost more than Yoongi can take. The tattoo on his wrist keeps burning relentlessly. Your relief, however, makes his pain seem insignificant. For you, he’d go through hell and still smile, he realizes as you let your head fall back and onto his shoulder. For you, he’d do anything and expect nothing in return.

Pairing You x !Soulmate! Yoongi You x Jimin

Word count 4.040

‘siblings’, according to age: Namjoon, Jimin, y/n, Taehyung (you grew up living in the same foster home as implied in earlier parts of this series)

fluff, angst, hints at/of smut

!Warning/s! mentions of suicide/suicidal thoughts

Previously, on ‘Linked’…

Eventually, after years of successfully having avoided it, you have come across your soulmate. An ominous stranger of whom you know no more than the back of his head, his phone number and that he works as a part-time barista at your (former) favorite coffee shop.

Having been pressured by a friend into contacting him, things start to get complicated. Because your heart already belongs to another. And, haunted by the ghosts of your past, the last thing you want is for your soul to find its one, true, destined mate.

After texting back and forth for days with the man only known to you as your ‘Soulmate’, you are forced to break contact since he is starting to get too close and your boyfriend Jimin is anything but pleased with that. When your paths, however, cross, the ominous ‘Suga’, as he calls himself, refrains from revealing his true identity to you - which would mean an instant link of souls and the end of his torture - and, instead, is set on making his way into your life the right way.

A fateful accident at your workplace is followed by a visit to the emergency room and a falling out with your boyfriend, Jimin, leading you to turn to a virtual stranger for comfort …

CHAPTER 17

Shaking your head, you step back from Suga’s fridge.

“What’s this? Did you win a lifetime supply of Red Bull or something?”, you laugh, grabbing two cans before you make your way back to him.

“I wish”, he chuckles, his eyes following your every move as you, leaning against his desk, open both your drinks and hand him his. “I just hate wasting time on sleep, that’s all.”

“Wow, that attitude can’t be healthy”, you note before you throw back your head to take a first sip of the ice-cold, almost sickeningly sweet liquid, pretending not to notice that Suga’s gaze still rests on you, the expression on his face absent.

Somehow, knowing that he is watching you and his mere presence, the warmth emanating from his skin, Suga’s hot breath brushing past you, excite you in ways that your boyfriend doesn’t and hasn’t in a long time. It’s like every movement of his, howsoever small and casual, educes an immediate reaction from your body. It’s not even something you provoke consciously. You can’t control it. And you're not sure you like it. Because you know for a fact that Suga will never be yours to have, his soul having linked with that of another. And then there’s still Jimin. The man you thought you would spend the rest of your life with but from whom you’ve been, slowly but surely, growing further and further apart.

“What’s with that sigh?”, you hear Suga ask, the sound of his warm voice leading you to jolt out of your wandering thoughts.

“Sigh? What sigh?”

“So you don’t even notice anymore, huh?”, he raises a brow at you, a fond grin playing on his lips. “You kept sighing like the weight of the freaking world rested on your shoulders.”

“No, I didn’t”, you pout, hiding your embarrassment by emptying half of your Red Bull can in one go. Which was probably not your best idea.

“You know what? I think it’s about time we get out of here. I think we need a break.”

Surprised at Suga’s newly found enthusiasm, you watch him get up, a bright smile stretching across his handsome face.

“What the hell?”, you wonder out loud, eying him suspiciously. “Just a few minutes ago you could’ve been mistaken for a zombie. And now you’re … What? Willy Wonka? Where’s that energy coming from? You’re scaring me.”

“Who the fuck is Willy Wonka?”

“You didn’t just ask that”, you gasp, dramatically clutching your chest while Suga grabs his jacket and ushers you towards his studio’s door.

“Afraid I did”, he shrugs nonchalantly.

“Oh, come on. You’re just pulling my leg. Right? Everyone knows —”

“Charlie and The Chocolate Factory? Yeah. I was kidding. I’m not as creepy as Willy Wonka, though, I swear.”

“He’s not creepy!?”

“Oh, come on. The crazy eyes? The weird voice?”

“Well. Maybe a little bit. Just a tiny little bit creepy. God. Now that I think about it — Damn you.” You playfully punch him, your voice echoing throughout the dark corridor leading to the building’s lobby. “You just ruined one of my favorite childhood movies.”

“Sorry.”

“No, you’re not.”

“No. You’re right. I’m not.”

“At least you’re honest.”

“Always.”

“Tsk”, you scoff, not even for a second doubting his words to be true, though. With Suga, there are no lies, no half-truths. With him, it’s all honesty. Something you had been craving for a while now. A reason not to pretend. And it felt like you could finally breathe fresh air again after having been locked in a suffocating dungeon for months or even years.

“Where are we going anyway?”, you ask as the two of you step outside into the brisk night. You had no idea it was already this late. The hours with Suga, locked away in his studio, hiding from the cruel world outside of its four walls had passed far too quickly.

“We’re going for a drive.”

Sliding into the passenger seat of Suga’s old Kia feel surprisingly natural to you. Within no more than two days, this is the third time you ride his car, entrusting your safety and life to a man you barely know. Yet, there is no place you would rather be right now. And no person you’d rather be with.

“Where are you taking me?”, you ask as the car picks up speed now that you left the campus’ parking lot to turn right and onto the main road. Street lights, dark house facades, and glinting neon signs keep rushing past you like a gloomy dreamscape. You encounter barely any other drivers at this time of night. The streets are almost abandoned, the peace and quiet giving the scenery a post-apocalyptic atmosphere.

“I’m taking you to one of my favorite places. To clear our heads.”

“Sounds vague.”

“Tsk.”

“That’s it? That’s really all the info I’m gonna get?”

You watch him as Suga steers the broken up vehicle into a tunnel, the flickering lights tinting his smiling side profile a warm gold.

“You could just as well be kidnapping me for all I know, driving me to a secluded spot where it should be easy to dispose of my cold dead body”, you grumble, crossing your arms over your chest in the hopes that he will take a look and take note of your demonstratively pursed lips.

“Who knows”, he wiggles a brow without taking his eyes off the road. “Maybe that’s just what I’m about to do.”

“Stop it”, you whine, realizing just how quickly that careless joke of you turned sour. “This is getting creepy.”

“May I remind you that you started this?”

“But I don’t like where it’s going.”

Now, finally, Suga turns around to face you, his expression of sudden seriousness.

“Do you actually believe I would or could do something like that? To you?”

You swallow hard as your eyes once more get lost in his pitch-black orbs.

“No. To be honest. I don’t know why, but I trust you. More than I trust myself. Does that make sense?” Unable to withstand his boring gaze any longer, you avert your face, covering your burning cheeks with both your hands. “No. Of course, it doesn’t. Just forget what I said. I don’t even know where it came from. I’m sorry if I crossed a line.”

“No. Don’t apologize. It’s okay.” He pauses. You can tell that he’s still looking at you. “No one has ever trusted me before, you know. I made sure of that. But I have to say it feels … good.”

Right in this moment, it takes all of your willpower not to give in to the strong urge to take a hold of Suga’s hand. Instead, you just look at him, dare yourself to meet his eyes. And the two of you spend the following minutes in telling silence, the air filling the space in between your bodies sizzling, every single atom vibrating with prickling electricity. The tension is palpable. You’re sure you’re not the only one who can tell.

“Can I let down the window?”, you inquire, your voice no more than a whisper, hesitant to break the quiet.

“Sure.”

And so you wind down the window and poke your head out into the fresh breeze entangling itself in your loose hair, caressing your skin and drying a stray tear that had made its way down your cheek unnoticed. When now, suddenly, a familiar song starts sounding from the car’s speakers, your heart skips a beat. You would recognize this melody anywhere. A sound like that of another world. Magical. Unreal. Matching the moment’s ambiance oh so perfectly.

How did he know?, you wonder. How did this strange man know to pick one of your very own favorite songs? How is it possible that Suga keeps on striking all the right chords in you? It isn’t. It shouldn’t be.

“We’re here”, he unexpectedly announces.

“Where?”

You turn around to look at Suga who’s eyes widen at the sight of your face.

“Y/n, why are you crying?”

“I’m not crying. These are just tears. It’s not the same.”

“It’s not?”

“No. Not to me. You know, when you’re always sad, you learn to tell the difference.”

“Are you sad right now?”, he inquires, his tone soft.

“Not really, no. That moment was just so perfect. The tears were happy ones. Because I forgot for a second.”

“Forgot what?”

He stares at you as if he’s almost scared of your answer.

“That I’m sad”, you reply, your lips smiling all by themselves. “And a little broken. You made me forget.”

Yoongi can’t believe what he is looking at. How is it possible for you to become more gorgeous by the second? Is it really just the Link? He isn’t sure anymore. If he’s entirely honest with himself, he refuses to believe that what he feels for you is merely a matter of genetics. Not anymore at least. What you do to him can’t be explained by mere DNA analysis. It’s no longer just chromosomes that connect you. It’s bigger than that. When he looks into your shimmering eyes, still wet with tears, he can catch a glimpse of his very own soul. And for the first time in his life, he likes what he’s seeing.

“I’m glad I could do that for you”, he says, taking in your smile, the saddest and most beautiful smile he has ever seen. “That I could help you forget about your sadness, even if it was only for a little while.”

“I’m glad you’re glad”, you reply without hesitation, immediately going on to shake your head at your own words, obviously embarrassed. “God, that sounded stupid.”

“No, it didn’t.” He can’t help but grin, even your flushed face appearing endearing to him. You’re so cute, he almost can’t resist the longing to plant a kiss on your forehead. And maybe smell your hair … and …

“So. You said we were there? Where you wanted to take me?”, you swiftly change the topic, making good use of this chance to break eye contact and direct your attention towards the cityscape passing you by.

“Yes, we are. This bridge is special to me. For several reasons.”

“Such as?”, you inquire, your averted face remaining hidden behind a curtain of hair.

“Well. I mentioned this person, this woman I linked with.”

“Yes.”

“Well, the day I linked with her, by accident, you might say, I was standing on this very bridge, ready to jump.”

Eyes, wide with shock, hair flying, you whirl around to stare at him in disbelief.

Afraid his face could betray him, Yoongi decides to keep his eyes fixed on the road ahead as he speaks up again.

“That spot over there”, he points to the place where he climbed the banister no more than a week ago, about to fall to his death, his cold fingers desperately clutching his phone which seemed to be the last thread connecting him to a life he didn’t feel was worth living, his eyes eagerly following the lines a perfect stranger sent him. Even now he still remembers these painful seconds all too vividly, the memory sending an icy shiver down his spine. “That’s where I stood, prepared to end my existence once and for all. I was sure I was gonna go through with it this time. But then I linked with her. And it changed everything.”

Yoongi is forced to pause when his vocal cords refuse their service.

“I’m glad it happened. The Link. That you didn’t …”, you stammer, your voice no more than a breathed whisper.

If you only knew. That it was you who saved his petty life.

“I’ll be honest with you”, he eventually continues. “I was quite an asshole before the Link. I didn’t think I could ever love somebody. And, quite frankly, I didn’t want to. I didn’t let myself. I thought love was bullshit.” He shakes his head. The words just won’t come out right. Yoongi can feel his heart pound against his ribcage and your eyes still glued to his side profile.

“No, actually, I was kinda afraid it could be real, to be honest. I shielded myself from love because I was a coward, scared shitless. I built walls around myself, too high for anyone to ever climb. And if someone tried, I was sure to push them away in any way possible. Time and again I had to prove to myself that I wasn’t lovable, I guess. That, in the end, every new person claiming to want me in their lives would leave me, just like everyone did before them. I hurt so many people, y/n, just so I wouldn’t get hurt. I slept around. Had meaningless affairs with women who didn’t know me. But the very second the Link was built all of that anger and emptiness and sadness inside of me suddenly just … disappeared. I felt at peace for the first time in as long as I can remember. Because, before her, you know, there was just no one worth taking the risk for. The risk of letting someone in and depending on them. But the moment the Link was built, I didn’t feel alone anymore. For the first time in my life I didn’t feel isolated by the person I am. And life had meaning again. She gave me meaning. And she doesn’t even know.”

Teeth clenched, Yoongi’s trembling hands close so tightly around the steering wheel, his knuckles turn white.

“I’m sure she does.” He hears you say, and your words hurt him just as much as they heal him. “I’m sure she knows. She must.”

“I hope so.”

With those words, a haunting quiet makes itself at home in the space between you, filling the inside of the car, Making it hard for him to breathe. Until you start talking again, the mere sound of your voice bringing him ease.

“Part of me wishes to know what that feels like”, you mumble, more to yourself, one hand reaching out of the open window, your pale finger playing with the wind, glowing in the cold harsh light of the street lamps. Yoongi has to admit to himself that your vague words fan the spark of hope that has begun to settle in his heart.

“But, don’t you have Jimin? Haven’t you been with him for a while now?”

“So, what?”, you shrug, not taking your eyes off of the nocturnal city skyline.

“Well, don’t you love him?”

“To be honest, I’m not so sure if I ever loved him in the way I should’ve.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I don’t know. Suga, could —” Eventually, you turn around to look at him, your face white as a sheet, lips trembling. “Could we maybe — Could you stop the car? I think I need to get out. To get some air. I — I —”

“Yes! Yes, of course!”, he cuts you off, pulling over immediately.

As soon as the vehicle comes to a halt, you throw open the car door and stumble outside, towards the bridge’s railing, leaning over the banister, your shaking hands clutching the cold metal.

Quickly, Yoongi rushes to your side, unsure of what to do or say, your concerning state instilling sheer terror in him.

“Y/n? What is it? What’s wrong?”

You brush his word off with a gesture of your hand, indicating him to stay away as you cough and heave, your erratic breaths, now and then, being interrupted by broken sobs.

“I’m — I’m sorry. This —”, you stutter, your voice shaky, heavy with tears.

“It’s okay, y/n. Just inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Don’t think. Just breathe.”

“Are you feeling any better?”, he cautiously asks after minutes of silence, only filled by the sound of both your breathing, have passed with your head still resting on his shoulder.

“Yes. I think.”

Instantly, as if you had only now become aware of the situation, you straighten your posture and step back, bringing a good two feet between yourself and Yoongi, hiding your face from his view.

“Sorry. I —”

“Stop apologizing already.”

These words came out harsher than intended. Brows furrowed, you shoot him an astonished glance.

“I’m sorry”, Yoongi mutters under his breath, one hand awkwardly massaging his neck.

“Stop apologizing already”, you snap at him, imitating his tone, biting your lip so as to keep it from breaking into a smile.

“You’re pretty cheeky for someone who almost fainted just now, you know that?”

“Yeah, right?”, you giggle, throwing back your head to take another deep breath.

“So, are you ready to go back?”

Your head tilted to one side, you look at him, your unexpectedly serious eyes taking in his features, an intensity to their gaze that leads his face to flush.

“Yes. Take me back, please.”

“Are you sure?”

You nod your head as you step closer. So close he could effortlessly reach out and touch you.

“Yes, I am. Everything is a little less scary down there. With you. In your studio. I feel safe there.”

Yoongi has to actively remind himself to breathe at this point.

“Okay. Let’s go back then.”

The drive back is spent in comfortable silence. For a few minutes you even doze off, your head abuts against the now-closed window. Yoongi can’t keep himself from smiling like an idiot while he watches you, calm now, soundly sleeping, your mouth agape, dark lashes fluttering.

Back at the studio, you plop down onto his sofa with a sigh, apparently feeling quite at home already. An assumption that fills Yoongi with contentment and even pride. He is sorry to disturb the peace, but a question has been burning on the tip of his tongue ever since the incident on the bridge. And he has never been one to hold back when it comes to wiping the slate clean.

“So, y/n, what happened back there? In the car?”

“I didn’t get carsick, if that’s what you were thinking”, you joke, not meeting his gaze.

“Come on. Let’s be real here.” Taking a deep breath, he squats down before you. This is harder than he thought it would be. Yoongi hates himself for putting you in the position to face those unpleasant feelings again. But there are just things that can’t be left unsaid.

“If something like that happens, I need to know why, y/n. Especially if it’s in my car. So I can react accordingly. You scared me, you know. And don’t you even think about apologizing again.”

“Okay, I won’t then”, you scoff, burying your face in your hands, your elbows propped up on your knees.

Seconds elapse, stretching into what feels like an eternity, before you reluctantly proceed.

“What happened is — I realized something. And it made me sick. Literally. Because I’m like the biggest asshole on earth. And I can’t stand it. I can’t stand to — To hurt him like that. I disgust myself for having to.”

“Him?”

“I believe we both know who I’m talking about.”

“What do you mean, hurt him? What did you realize?”

Yoongi has trouble containing his excitement.

“You don’t have to tell me, of course”, he quickly adds. “Only if you want to. It’s not like you owe me any kind of explanation. I know what I needed to know. Anything else is —”

“I don’t love him”, you suddenly burst out, cutting him off in mid-sentence, finally lifting your head to reveal a tear-streaked face, eyes reddened. “I don’t love Jimin the way I should. And I’m not sure if I ever did. I’m afraid what we had was a lie. Sure, I needed him. We needed each other. At one point. And he probably still needs me. But I just — I just can’t keep up the charade any longer. I — I can’t keep playing a role I wasn’t cast for, you know!? I’m not what he deserves and he’s not what I need. It’s just — We’re just —”

He can tell your anxiety is setting in again. So, his instincts taking over once more, Yoongi cups your face with both his hands, forcing you to focus your attention on him.

“I get it. Okay? It’s all right”, he enunciates, stressing each syllable. “Feelings change. People change. It’s nothing to hate yourself for. Do you hear me, y/n? It’s not your fault. You can’t force these things. You shouldn’t.”

Reluctantly, you nod, blinking away another tear.

“Not that I have any right to meddle in your relationship. But you shouldn't keep lying to yourself and especially not to him. You need to tell him. So he knows. How you really feel. Instead of raising false hopes in him.”

“False hopes?”

“Well … Are you gonna get back together with him? Back to how things were?”, Yoongi asks as he pulls back from you, his hands dropping to his knees.

“I — I don’t know. I —”

“Forget about it”, he interrupts you, afraid your next words could be the last straw. That they would very literally rip his heart apart. Because, slowly but surely, the growing pain in his chest is starting to make it almost impossible for him to breathe. “I shouldn’t have asked. This is none of my business.”

Weak at the knees, the world starting to spin around him, Yoongi somehow manages to get up and step away before you can reach out for him, staggering towards his chair while a blinding brightness quickly closes in on him from all sides.

The last thing he hears is your high-pitched voice calling out his name before he drops to the floor and a bottomless darkness takes over his consciousness.

When he comes to, bright lights hinder Yoongi from immediately identifying his strange surroundings.

Where is he? And most importantly, how did he get here? He can’t remember anything. Other than fainting.

Only slowly he comes to realize that he is resting in a hospital bed. The air smells of disinfectant, a constant humming and beeping sound from various directions.

Now that he slowly but surely regains full consciousness, another question comes to mind.

Where are you?

“Y/n!?”, he calls out, sitting up so quickly, another dizzy spell threatens to overpower him.

“Shhh”, a nurse appears by his side out of nowhere. “You need to stay calm. Lie down. You’re in no condition to fuss about a girl right now.”

“But — Where —?”

“Your friend left already. Seemed to be in a hurry.” With a warm smile, the middle-aged woman starts rummaging through her gown’s deep pockets. “She told me to give you this.”

With these words, she hands him a crumpled up piece of paper. Only hesitantly Yoongi extends his shaking hand to accept it.

“I didn’t peek if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“No, thank you. It’s fine.”

With a nod of her head, the nurse leaves to attend to a groaning elderly.

She seemed in a hurry.

No. No way. She didn’t. She couldn’t.

His heart racing, Yoongi barely manages to unfurl the paper, his eyes widening as they follow your quickly scribbled words.

Now it all makes sense. Why I felt so drawn to you. Why you knew me so well. Why you appeared when I was at my weakest.

How could you?? When were you planning on telling me your birth name?? Once I broke up with Jimin?? Or would you even have waited that long??

Shit. I trusted you. I was so blind. I should’ve seen it coming.

Don’t contact me. I really can’t have this right now.

No. No. No. No.

END OF CHAPTER 17 || TO BE CONTINUED

Thank you for reading! I hope you liked it so far and this chapter didn’t disappoint. 😌

Here you can find my Masterlist in case you feel like checking out more of my BTS fiction.

Also, if you have Spotify, you can listen to the ‘official’ 🎶 playlist 🎶 to the ‘Linked’ series here. It contains all the songs having been sent back and forth between Yoongi and the reader in the past and some more tunes fitting the series’ vibe.

Take care and have a great day! ☺️💖

NONE of the GIFs used are mine. Credit goes to the initial creators. Thank you for your hard work and dedication.

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