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Ape Dos Mil Extended Chapter Notes

9 / 9 Final Backward Glance

Hyperlinks appear in blue (underlined on mobile and the dashboard). The story is posted here. Direct link to this chapter is here.

* * * This is probably obvious, but these notes contain chapter spoilers! If you’re someone who reads the notes (and thanks if you do!), make sure you’ve read the chapter first. * * *

He couldn’t believe how bad things got. He couldn’t ration with Teresa and couldn’t talk her out of bad decision after bad decision. She learned to live in the dark and did it with more style but not nearly as much grace as he did. But at the end of the day, the reason he couldn’t let go and leave her to the underworld was because James knew Teresa too well. He knew she had it in her to get back into her own body, so to speak. It was gut-wrenching the way it took losing her dear friend—King George—to get there. But that had been the cost, and that was what it took.

Part of the Taking Back Sunday song "There's No 'I' in Team" goes: Everything I know about breaking hearts / I learned from you, it's true / I've never done it with the style and grace you have / But I've made long term plans / Based on these mistakes

This song and this part of the song also get referenced in my (completely unrelated) story Little Dots in Space. Some references I get stuck in over and over and over and over again.

Finished with his cigarette, James let the spent-end fall into the fire. He ran his hand through his hair and scrunched his nose before reaching for his leather jacket. Before he went to pull his arm through one of the sleeves, he held the jacket up, feeling the weight of it. James’ eyes darted back and forth between the garment and the flames. He hadn’t thought of the jacket’s significance before, but like him it was weathered, the leather cracked and worn in certain places. The jacket was synonymous with him and the life he’d led in the business. He never really thought about the full weight of it before, always so focused on the missions when he wore it. A lot happened wearing the jacket. A lot of deals, a lot of aiming and shooting…a lot of failures. Maybe, James reflected, he hadn’t thought of the weight before because the heaviness of it had been a constant reminder of the importance of the work he’d done, all of it to get to a future where he walked away only with the bricks he’d chosen. James also remembered he’d been wearing the jacket and Teresa shoved it off of him the first time they slept together, when they allowed themselves to give in and be vulnerable with each other—a rare wrinkle in time for the legacy of their private intimacy while in the confines of the business. That settled it for James. The jacket was one of the things from the business meant to protect him, but now it was weighing him down. It was ripe for the flames and the ceremonial burning that needed to happen. James didn’t have a second thought about surrendering the jacket to the fire until after he’d already thrown it in. By then it was too late; he couldn’t stop what he’d done without burning himself or extinguishing the flames.

The title of this chapter comes from the Bane song "Final Backward Glance". There's a reference to it in Chapter 8, and in the notes for Chapter 8, I mentioned that I kept this song in mind for the story. There are no overt references to the song in this chapter, but it felt like the fitting title because this chapter is the final look back at the business and life in the business, especially this first part of the chapter when James is in reflection.

Early on, all the way back when I was planning this story, I think I knew I wanted James to burn the jacket as a way of closing the book on that part of his life and finally having his freedom. All of that symbolically, of course.

Teresa sat up straight then, but not because of the young man’s comment on tardiness. She’d chosen one of the tables on the patio without an umbrella, exposed to the sun in her white sundress, for a reason. Her seat afforded her an unobstructed view of Plaza de España, and she wanted to see James coming. She knew he’d show up in totally weather-inappropriate attire save for his aviator sunglasses. Teresa brought clothes for him to change into; there was a beach bag for him on the yacht. She wanted to give James the option to change and get more comfortable, officially settle into island time, before they ate—if he wanted to, of course. So when she noticed the dark-haired figure looking toward the Monumento a los Caídos in what she thought was an all too familiar leather jacket, she was immediately at attention.

Plaza de España is the main square in Santa Cruz de Tenerife. Monumento a los Caídos (Monument to the Fallen) is a monument in the square. A little Googling, and a little bit of Google Translate indicates that it is controversial. It's only mentioned in the story because if you do a Google Image search of Plaza de España, the monument is one of the easily recognizable landmarks.

Also, beyond my obsession with James' burning of the leather jacket, another reason that was done is for this part, because at this point the reader already knows the person Teresa spots can't be James since he burned the jacket. But Teresa doesn't know that.

She’d done everything right. She’d toiled away for months and the mission had gone perfect. They’d lit up the sky for each other.

Here we've got a call back to Chapter 8 and why the fireworks were so important in that chapter. It's also a reference to the song from which the title of the chapter comes, "Light Up the Sky" by Yellowcard.

James was her soulmate. He was part of her and she’d realized that too late. Teresa couldn’t fathom what the next phase, the next life was for if they weren’t together. If they weren’t together, if he was gone, then so was she. She’d voiced that to him the night before they took out Kostya, when they first discussed the final mission, when she told James for the first time she loved him. If he wasn’t okay then she wasn’t going to be okay.

The moment referred to here is from a scene in Chapter 8--the same one where Teresa tells James she loves him. This is where she tells him not to say it back, to wait to tell her in Tenerife.

In my opinion, it's a pivotal moment and a critical conversation for them in that chapter, so I thought that here, when Teresa sees James in her hallucination, what she said to him in Manhattan also comes back to her. It took a lot for Teresa to get to the point of expressing and admitting that she not only wants a life that includes James but she wouldn't be okay with a future without him. So to be trapped in a moment where the life without him seems to be what's on the horizon--especially after the mission was completed--would be terrifying.

“We promised each other we were going to make it,” James reminded her. “Nothing and no one could prevent me from keeping a promise to you.” Teresa almost whimpered. Apparently James had acknowledged but not accepted the possibility of not making it, just like her. They were meant to be. She had no doubt. “I believe you,” Teresa whispered with a nod, “and here you are. But I don’t think it would have been your choice if you…if something had happened.” James’ lips folded into a straight line, followed by a sigh. “Everything in this business is a choice.” He’d said that to Teresa before, more than once, when she’d been at her worst. Even in paradise, even at the end of it all, James told her exactly what she didn’t want to hear. It was one of his greatest strengths, part of his evolution. It had hurt them both before when he surrendered that part of himself to appease the darkness in Teresa.

This part calls back to a few different parts earlier in the story as well as canon. We all remember the classic exchange from 2x03 (1:33): "You're gonna make it, say it." "I'm gonna make it."

This dialogue is re-visited in the story in Chapter 4 and Chapter 7.

In Chapter 6, when Teresa is fully in her queen phase, she does say she has no other choice but to carry on the way she has been and James tells her the business they're in is nothing but choices.

After so many years of dancing around each other, James always let Teresa make the first move. It meant he respected her and her autonomy. It meant he wasn’t making assumptions. Teresa knew so much of the way James carried himself was an exercise in restraint. But on the day of their imperfect reunion, although Teresa was the one to initiate, the one to boldly grab onto him, James would be the one to deepen the kiss, making it hot and open-mouthed, tracing the inside of Teresa’s bottom lip with his tongue, holding her elbow firmly in his hand when what he did made her feel weak at the knees. Their surroundings were lost to them as it happened. They’d never been ones for public displays of affection. They’d never been ones for displays of affection except in private, really. It felt amazing, for the first time, to not care who saw and what they thought, to not worry they were putting themselves in danger by sharing a kiss just like any other couple would. When they pulled away moments later, it was already too soon. Teresa felt something change in her. Sparks, maybe—the livewire that connected them completing its circuit once again. The ache in her chest was gone and she thought her heartbeat had steadied, in sync with his.

The alternative title for this chapter is Place de la République. The reunion scene takes inspiration from "Place de la République" by Cœur de pirate a bunch. The lyrics are not about a reunion, and are quite sad, but the feeling evoked by the song (the strings on the album version go hard), they way it builds and builds and builds, is perfect for the build up of Teresa going through her hallucination, then James being there, and their kiss, and telling each other they love each other.

I always knew their reunion would be in the (vicinity of the) town square because even before I started writing it I would listen to this song and get emotional about it.

“You’re very thoughtful and I love how sentimental you are to remember off the cuff comments about Dallas,” James grinned, “but I think you’re forgetting I just spent the better part of the last five months back in Texas, up until a week ago. The Charger sends his best, by the way.” “The Charger?” Ages had passed since Teresa last thought about the warehouse chemist who’d been part of her private security team for a brief period in Phoenix. He’d always been one of James’ guys, going back to when James had been the proverbial floor manager and Teresa considered James to be akin to a certain type of character from one of those movies she’d watched around the year 2000.

It's in Chapter 1 that Teresa first brings up the idea of James being the Taylor Vaughn (a character from the 1999 cult teen rom-com She's All That) of the warehouse--everyone would either willingly fuck someone’s shit up to be him, or, they would lose their shit to be fucked by him.

Later, in Chapter 5, when Teresa knows James much better and they've both evolved in this business, she thinks he is much more than a Taylor Vaughn-type character.

I believe the literal translation of ape dos mil to English is 'year 2000'. But don't quote me on that. If this story played out in real scenes, at the end of the chapter, I can very much see the fade to black as "Ape Dos Mil" fades in and the credits start rolling. I had to sneak in the title of the story before the ending somehow.

One of the few times Teresa and James slept together in Phoenix, after they took take care of Pecas, Teresa ran into Charger in the middle of the night when she padded down to the kitchen to grab a night cap. They’d talked about his girlfriend and his dog, and Teresa had seen the longing in him to make that part of his life the everyday permanent kind. Teresa had been just on the cusp of the big leagues in the cartel business then. It was why, when the clock ran out on Teresa’s time in Phoenix, she sent Charger home to his family with a duffle bag of money. But the main reason she couldn’t forget about that night, and standing on the balcony talking to Charger, was because it was the same night Teresa began to wrap her head around the intensity of her relationship with James. She’d left bed that night after coming to terms with a hard truth: she loved James. When she spoke to Charger, he knew she was wearing James’ shirt, knew what that meant, and basically sent her back to bed before James sent out a search party. As she drifted off to sleep in James’ arms that night, without knowing they were soulmates, without knowing their connection transcended time and space, the only thing that had been clear to Teresa was that the intensity of their relationship put self-preservation in danger for both of them, because it wasn’t just her—she and James loved each other. Charger wouldn’t be a weak link or loose end who put them at risk, who unintentionally threatened love in their new life. And James had made sure they weren’t impeding on Charger’s happy ending either.

The details here are a call back to Chapter 3. The mention and idea of self-preservation is something that was brought up in many of the previous chapters.

I have never hidden my distaste for Pote and Kelly Anne, and by design they were never ever going to play a big role in this story (even Guero got his moment in Chapter 2, so maybe that tells you how deep my hate for all things Pote and Kote runs). But Charger, he's someone I wanted to feature as a side character going all the way back to the first chapter. It was with intention that he's present for certain moments. So I think it's very fitting that he's talked about in a happy ending sense here.

“I just want you to be safe,” James answered seriously but gently, sensing Teresa’s annoyance. “I want that for both of us,” Teresa replied. “Isn’t that why we did what we did? Isn’t that why we made sure we’d get here?” From Teresa’s perspective, it wasn’t so much that they’d made promises and completed a mission where they’d been willing to die for each other—and they had been willing to do that—but rather, it was the way they’d pulled through because they were soulmates, with a will to live for each other, together.

One of the songs I wanted to work into the story somehow is Red Hot Chili Peppers' "I Could Die For You". I mean the main hook is:

I could die for you, what you wanna do? Oh, this life I choose.

I think it could be argued that that's a summary of the story, lol.

When Teresa shifted and licked a strip behind his ear, James leaned back, his hands flat against the bed. It wasn’t lost on him how neatly the bed was made, the bedspread tucked into the frame in perfectly taut corners at the foot of the bed. It wasn’t lost on Teresa, either, that James noticed. When Teresa pulled back momentarily, she flashed James a coy smile in acknowledgement before she did something about the unfortunate situation involving his attire by helping him out of his shirt. Once off, she ran her fingers over the planes of his back. James was responsive, gripping her hips but giving her space to explore his skin. She’d memorized his skin and had thought about this exact scenario on many of her nights alone in Santa Fe. Teresa frowned when she skimmed over James’ shoulder blade. “What happened here?” she asked. She knew every mark, every scar he had. Or so she thought. The raised scar on his back above his shoulder blade felt newer, something she would have noticed before—if it had been there before. James sighed. “One last battle scar for the collection.” “What? This happened recently?” “One of Devon’s cronies down in Sinaloa, after Belize,” James elaborated. “Son of a bitch rigged up my truck to blow but he did a sloppy job, probably in a rush. When I knew it was rigged I got out and he was shooting at me—got me in the shoulder. But I got him in the head.” Teresa tightened her grip on James’ skin and her eyes widened. The memory of the Santa Fe restaurant bathroom flooded back to her—it was one of the notable scenes from her hallucination, before seeing James in the jungle again. The recognition and horror in Devon’s eyes before he took his last breath would stay fresh in Teresa’s mind for some time. He hadn’t suspected or expected she would be there, or that she was still alive, or that she would be the one to take him out. Devon hurt Teresa, sure, and he’d wanted her destroyed and dead. But that man tormented James. Teresa loved James—he was a part of her—so any enemy of his, especially his biggest one, was someone who deserved the wrath from her darkest depths. Teresa had regrets and sorrows about the business, but the final mission she’d never be sorry for, because they conquered their enemies not only for themselves but even more for each other. Of Devon, Teresa thought nothing but good riddance—a defeat she would revel in without reservation. If Teresa and James hadn’t gone through with their Mission Critical, if Devon would’ve had his way, he would’ve completely obliterated them. “I don’t regret what I did or how I did it,” Teresa said firmly. “It was a pleasure and a reckoning. I’m glad he’s gone.” Teresa wouldn’t let the darkness pull her back to the underworld, not ever again, but her expression was serious and hardened. She exhaled deeply to fan away the flames of bloodlust that were just under the surface and threatened to creep back in if she wasn’t careful. “I know.” James grimaced but kissed her forehead. Teresa knew James had been affected by the business differently than her. Having survived it with him, she couldn’t discount the validity of his experience, and she knew he would never even consider discounting hers. Now that they were on the other side, in the next life, it wasn’t about who’d had it worse or who’d been hurt more, because they’d been in it together, gotten through it together. She knew James’ feelings about their final mission were complicated. Hell, Teresa knew the last couple of years had challenged James’ moral code and the integrity he had to set aside. But she also knew he was proud of her. Teresa was damn proud of herself, too.

Very long section quoted, I know. Off the hop, there's one last call back to the hospital/military bed corners, which I thought was important to include in this last chapter because it is integral to this being a soulmates AU.

As for the rest of this section, I must have written and re-written it at least ten times. I could never get it right...I still don't know if I got it right. But it had to be in one way or another, because it's the only time Teresa and James come close to a discussion about what actually happened in the time they were apart, and it's the moment when Teresa acknowledges she has no regrets about Devon's 'retirement'. I feel that this is consistent with the Teresa in the latter chapters of the story (including Chapter 8).

Perhaps one of the only good things about waiting so long to post a final chapter for a story you started and intended to finish a long time ago is that new music comes gets released in the in between. Sometimes you get lucky and the music helps you write a part you've been struggling with.

My favorite part of "You First" by Paramore is the bridge:

Never said I wasn’t petty / You can bet I don’t regret it for a second / It’s a pleasure / It’s a reckoning / Never said I wasn’t petty / I’ll do better when you’re better / Lemme revel in your defeat

I brought a few pieces of it into Teresa's dialogue as well as the part about Devon's death being a defeat she would revel in.

Also, when I brought in new Paramore, I realized that old Paramore kind of fit, too. I was thinking about "Let the Flames Begin" when I wrote the narrative parts.

Teresa arranged and adjusted herself around James so he was in her embrace, the same way they’d been in the afterglow of sex the morning after she destroyed her closet in New Orleans. “Love you, James,” Teresa said, running her hands up and down his back, tracing a heart over his last battle scar. “I love you,” James answered without hesitation. Teresa felt like they’d come full circle on the love they shared. To get to hold James, to be his shoulders and fill the room with the words of love was a privilege laced with the power and control over her own destiny. James brought his hand up, reaching out and offering it to her. Teresa accepted gladly, intertwining their fingers.

In Chapter 7, post coital, Teresa rearranges so she's the one holding James. James thinks it's fitting because it's her way of showing she cares about him while also maintaining her power and need to be in charge. When she does it this time, she has power and control but it's different--it's no longer about her supremacy.

There's a line in "Yer Killin' Me" by Remo Drive that goes "I'm sick of being your shoulders, you know I need shoulders too". Obviously the idea of being someone's shoulders is used very differently in the song. But I've wanted to write something where Teresa puts it on herself to be James' shoulders. I think at various points in the show and in this story, they've done that for each other.

Teresa thought James looked hot as hell in the outfit she’d picked out for him. It was difficult to scramble together island-appropriate attire when she had only the remnants of George’s wardrobe to work with, so she did the best she could from one of the local resort wear stores that pre-laundered the clothing. She’d seen pink khaki shorts with little lobsters embroidered on them which had given her pause, because she longed to see James in anything other than cozy neutrals and leather. But James had a soft-spoken, deadpan, very specific sense of humor, and Teresa wasn’t sure he’d willingly rock crustaceans on his pants. In the end, Teresa thought of the first time she ever flirted with James (they’d been in Chicago, and she told him green might be a good color on him) and went with simple army green boardshorts. James would look good in any color, so Teresa hadn’t been wrong. She matched the shorts with a light blue polo that had tiny dots on it. The shirt brought out the lighter flecks of hazel in James’ eyes and made the ink of his neck tattoo—just barely peeking from the collar—contrast more against his skin. James had always been good-looking, Teresa had known it from the beginning, but she thought he looked especially handsome in loungewear and awe in his eyes.

My sincerest apologies to all stans of James' pink lobster shorts from 5x10. Also, there was no way I was going with his tattoos removed like James from the last five minutes of 5x10. If you've read anything else I've written in the QOTS universe, you probably know that I wish James had better tattoos to begin with, but no way would I ever want James to not have his tattoos.

The bit about flirting in Chicago is a call back to Chapter 2. When I included this detail, I was reminded that in canon, the whole reason they even go to Chicago is to get Devon's attention. That's...not really relevant. But anyway, given the role Devon plays in this story, I think it's cool that I unconsciously made Teresa's first memory of flirting with James from that time.

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