#sorry for the rant. i am so sick of this. it’s day fucking three or something of just being spoon fed negativity about my favs.

[porcupiney]

okay like genuinely these past few days the only stuff that seems to be coming my way on tumblr is negativity towards, and moral condemnation of, characters i like. and at this point i’m like two steps away from biting peoples heads off. like i think if i see one more shit take about a guy i like i’m going to start ripping people apart limb from limb im not even joking

#get this bullshit off of my dashboard it’s so fucking obnoxious #the most recent one really fucking got me though fucking condescending ass post about dan vs #implying that if you’re not critical of dans actions you’re like celebrating an abuser? #firstly have you watched the fucking show? secondly you know it’s a fucking kids show from 2011 right? #no one is using fucking dan vs as a bible for their morals. no one on earth is looking at dan and saying ‘i’m gonna live like him’ #dan is a popular character because he has fucking redeeming qualities that make him complex and dimensional #not to mention trans coding neurodiverse coding and relatability #i personally like him and relate to him because i also often feel like everything is against me or someone like me #and i find it really comforting that dan fucking breaks rules and trashes shit in the name of personal justice especially when put under- #-the light of being a trans person. what other character faces miserable adversity and destroys shit about it to get what they want #you cant boil it down and assume that any fan of the show is fucking JUSTIFYING the more questionable stuff he does okay? #no one was on board when he poisoned chris. no one is trying to say that was okay. what’s your fucking problem #sorry for the rant. i am so sick of this. it’s day fucking three or something of just being spoon fed negativity about my favs. #negativity #discourse #tuesday talks

[soupyspaghetti]

once again im being dramatic on here lmao

#vent #personal #i just like am so miserable actually #like the past week or two ive been actively sad and crying a lot #but now thats worn off and im just like.....idk empty ig but also maybe i was feeling that before too who knows #idk its all so silly but the closer i get to when im gonna have to work in person full time every day the more i feel like i cannot do that #like i know that a ton of ppl work in person #in fact most ppl do #and i shouldnt be upset about having to go into what is objectively a really cool office for a p low stress/low pressure job #but jfc i dont think i can do it like im so scared like i know no one will be masking except me for one thing #and im gonna have to interact with ppl all the time and do makeup every morning and find outfits that are appropriate for every single day #and like i *know* this is all fucking stupid champagne problems but i just do not know how im gonna cope #up till now in person work has been about three days a month and that was super damaging to my mental health every single time #how am i gonna do five days a week every week from august for the rest of the time i have this job #plus in the past it was structured stuff for a specific initiative but this will just be normal work and im gonna have to sit and focus #like rn i spend most of my work time fucking around and not being able to focus and idk what im gonna do when theres ppl watching me #and i *have* to get work done for the entirety of the eight hours im working a day #im sure ill be more productive but like idk ik this is stupid trust me i know this is stupid i just need to vent about it #and im afraid to vent in servers rn bc of my stupid brain so this is what yall get sorry #actually also while im just ranting i also am so tired of feeling so sick all the time like wtf is that #how am i gonna deal with the fact that i randomly feel so sick and out of it like so much of the time when im in an office all day lmao #ugh i also just like hate myself so much like i *know* its privileged and bratty for me to be like 'im so sad im gonna have to do *work*' #idk what my fucking problem is like i just need to....stop being so sensitive and stop getting so upset #speaking of that working full time in person will also big time cut into my daily crying over nothing hours rip #ugh i am so fucking.....not doing well slkdhfasdlkfasdf sorry again yall hopefully no ones actually reading all this bullshit lskdfhasdlkfh

[aisclosed]

Match Found ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ - 1. touch grass

Synopsis: Jungwon is sick of his friends' constant teasing over his lack of gaming skills. Determined to secretly improve and prove enha wrong, Jungwon sets out to learn to play, except he has no clue where to begin. Luckily for him, y/n is a girl with too much time on her hands, a desperate need for distraction and is more than happy to indulge him. Only, things are never that simple and Jungwon soon finds it difficult to explain exactly what the pair have become.

prev masterlist next

smau + (0.9k) written work (game terms explained in notes)

Jungwon fixed his eyes upon the LED sign in front of him, until the words Neo Tech PC Bang seared into his corneas. Clenching the straps of my backpack he inhaled shakily. Come on, Yang Jungwon, it's literally just a PC bang, just go in and act natural. You find a computer and you figure out how to play that stupid game, how hard can it be? I’m sure there's a wikihow page somewhere. It doesn’t matter that Heeseung has been playing games for more than half of his life-

“Ummm… excuse me?” he snaps out of his internal monologue, jumping slightly as he looks down to meet your curious gaze. “Are you going in? You’re- uh kinda blocking the entrance” you smile amusedly.

“Yeah! I am, gonna go in that is, sorry” he says, busying himself with the door to hide his flustered expression. Swinging the door open he tilts his head politely in invitation. You smile a bit wider, thanking him with a nod and sauntering in easily. You call out a greeting to the man sitting at the counter, who answers it with an affectionate smile and a wave. 

Eyes darting around the PC bang, Jungwon quickly assesses the numerous high school students spread across the desks sporting the uniforms he knew all too well. Cringing at the fresh memory of his high school days, Jungwon stumbles after you, clearly you knew what you were doing and you weren’t in uniform so hopefully you had graduated and he didn’t come off as a total creep. Stealthily Jungwon watches as you choose a desk at the corner of the room and begin unpacking, and tries to mimic your movements from a respectable distance two seats away. 

His eyes flit over the numerous buttons and wires, he sighs realizing just how out of his element he truly was. He peeks over at you once again only to meet your expectant gaze, damn, maybe he wasn’t as subtle as he thought. 

“The start button is on the side of the monitor,” you call out easily, scooping up your bag and instead dropping it onto the seat next to Jungwon. 

“Right, thanks” he smiles gratefully up at you, fingers fumbling to quickly turn on the monitor. 

“So, what’s someone like you doing here?” you ask as you settle into the gaming chair, making no move to turn on your own computer. 

“Someone like me?” Jungwon raises his eyebrow sheepishly “Am I that obvious?”

“Oh yeah, well you look like you actually touch grass once in a while so clearly you’re not a typical degen like the rest of us. That and the fact that you were looking around like a lost lamb,” you say teasingly, “so what really brings you here?”

Maybe it’s the fact that Jungwon is relieved to have met a friendly face, or it's your naturally disarming demeanor, or that you had a really pretty smile. It might have been a combination of the three honestly, but he finds himself readily ranting to you, complaining about the state of his house. “-And they decide on who’s going to clean up the mess based on who gets the most kills, and of course I lose every time, because I actually have a fucking life and I don't shoot pixels for entertainment,” he grumbles throwing his head back in exasperation. 

“Can’t you guys just play like, rock paper scissors, or draw lots or something?” you ask, entertained by the frustrated appearance of the boy in front of you.

Jungwon only groans further in response, “You don’t think I haven’t tried? Somehow I lose that every time too. So this is where I’m at, I can’t get better luck, not unless I somehow get divine blessing or something. But! What I can do is get better at games!” he states triumphantly chest puffing in anticipation of his victory. 

“Ahhhh, I see,” you chuckle softly, turning on your computer, swiping your card quickly to access the main screen. “And out of all your friends, Heeseung was it? He’s the best? And you’ve never even played a proper game before?” You glance sideways, meeting Jungwon’s nod of affirmation. Logging into Valorant, you crack your fingers in preparation, entering the queue for a swift play. “What rank is he? Do you know?” you ask nonchalantly, clicking through your skins. 

“Of course, it’s all he talks about day and night. He’s Diamond, “ Jungwon mutters bitterly. 

With that you lean back into your chair with a hum, turning to assess Jungwon once again. He shifts slightly under the weight of your gaze, smiling awkwardly. At the appearance of his dimpled smile, you seem to conclude your internal debate and lean towards Jungwon conspiratorially. “Well, it seems as if your luck hasn't run out completely. I happen to be ranked Ascendant, and I’ve decided I’m going to make you into my Valorant protégé.” 

Jungwon’s eyebrows knit in confusion, “Really? But you don’t even know me, why would you teach me how to play?” 

You shrug, “All my friends are out of the country so I’m quite literally bored out of my mind and I have nothing better to do. Plus you’re cute and you have nice dimples, so why not? I've always wanted to be a coach.” you muse absentmindedly.

Jungwon’s eyes widen almost comically as he begins to sputter, “Wait wh-

Match Found . A mechanical voice rings out from the monitor cutting through Jungwon’s bewilderment. You clap your hands together in excitement tugging his chair towards yours, “Great! Let’s get started! Come here I’ll walk you through the basics.” 

⚝──⭒─⭑─⭒──⚝

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a/n: AHHH!! there it is chap one! i was so nervous to post this omh. so so excited for everyone to finally meet y/n and i can't wait for yall to see how her dynamic with wonnie develops. Let me know what you think so far! this is my first ever work so any feedback is much appreciated.

supplement : Diamond is around the top 7% of players while Ascendant is the top 2.5%

You always need to enter a queue for Valo games where you wait for the system to match up players of similar rank. Once the game is found the system will notify you with “Match Found”

Swift Play- a mode of valorant which is first to 4 rounds instead of the classic 13. It’s a quick way to get in some practice and learn different maps. 

Degen is slang for degenerate - a shut in who often stays up late at night playing games

taglist: open! send me an ask to be added!

@woncloudie @itsactuallylina @ifearjwn @fadedluvv

#match found ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ #jungwon x reader #yang jungwon #jungwon smau #yang jungwon x you #non idol! yang jungwon #jungwon imagines #enhypen smau #enha x reader #idk how to tag help #enhypen x reader #enha smau #jungwon x you #jungwon angst #jungwon au #college au #uni au

[objection-argumentative]

Sleepless Nights

Axel- 18 Months

Gabriel- N/A

Matteo- N/A

Isla- N/A

Side Notes:

Squad don't know about yours and Rafael’s relationship yet

You were so tired. Your 18-month baby Axel had been waking up all hours of the night, leaving yourself and your husband running on average two hours of sleep each night for about three and half weeks. It was a Friday morning when you realised six scoops of coffee wouldn't be strong enough for the day as you were utterly exhausted. So you made a rash decision and told your babysitter Lucy before work that Axel wasn't allowed to nap during the day in hopes that he would sleep through the night.

Rafael and yourself were sat in the bullpen listening to Sargent Munch rant about big brother security cameras, too tired to tell him to shut up. When you're tired, you tend to screw up, forget facts, and have your eye off the ball. You could cry with exhaustion. Rafael was utterly different. He was very ill-tempered. Everyone feared Rafael when he was exhausted or sick. "Rafa, why are you bad-tempered lately?"  Olivia asked, lightly running her fingers through your husband's hair. "I need a new bed, Liv. I havent slept in about a month." Rafael stood up and walked over to the coffee pot and poured two cups of coffee, one for you and one for himself. Rafael placed the cup in front of you. You knew it would be a long day.

6:30 pm Rafael and yourself arrived home. You put your shoes away and hung your coat and purse. You stored your gun and badge in the hall safe and entered your apartment to find Lucy and Axel. Lucy was wrestling a tired, frustrated Axel out of his clothes for his night bath. "Hey Lucy, how has today been? Everything been ok?" Lucy gave you a death glare. " Don't ever make me do that again. He has been awful. He is normally a sweet happy go lucky little boy, and today he was the devil." Lucy was tearing up. You never heard her speak like this, especially not about Axel. She adored him. "Im sorry, Lucy, but we need him back into a routine. We need to sleep." Lucy gave you a pitying look.

When lucy left, you helped Rafael bathe a sleep-deprived Axel; after you bathed him and dressed him in his PJs, you refused to put him down to sleep until you were ready to go to bed. The next three hours were hell. You and Rafael did everything in your power to keep Axel awake. He screamed through your and Rafael's dinner, so much so that you couldn't hear yourself think.

10 pm

You finally put Axel down for the night. No issues getting him down to sleep, not like previous nights. You prayed to anyone listening for Axel to sleep through, and you and your husband could finally get enough sleep to function. Finally, you head to bed, where Rafael was already asleep.

1 am You and Rafael woke up to Axel crying loudly. Both you and Rafael groaned. "I'll go, Carino. Go back to sleep" Rafael got out of bed to soothe his son.

2 am You woke to Rafael getting back into bed, putting a very awake Axel between you and Rafael. "Baby, why is Axel in bed with us?" You asked groggily. "Im done with this cycle Carino, we are going to a doctor tomorrow and getting him back to normal, but for now, he is staying in our bed." Twenty minutes after Axel was brought to your bed, he was flat out asleep on your sleeping husband's chest. You didn't mind that you would be tired and cranky, but you couldn't help staring at the scene before you; how could you not? It is your entire world.

9 am You wake to the sunlit streaming into your room. You look to your left to see your husband fast asleep, with Axel lying awake on his chest. " good morning, sweet boy", you whispered as you pulled Axel over for a cuddle, finally feeling somewhat refreshed. As you pull Axel out of Rafael's grasp, Axel's foot connected with Rafael's groin, causing Rafael to wake up and hunch over in pain. "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?" Axel half shouted, half scolded out as his pain was evident. "Im sorry, baby, it was Axel's foot" as the pain dulled into manageable, he came over to you and Axel and cuddled into the both of you.

Later on

You and Rafael sat in the doctor's office, waiting to be seen by Dr Hauts, while Axel played with the building blocks. "Carino, you don't think anything is wrong with him, do you?" you could tell that Rafael was worried about Axel, that his sleeping pattern was because of an underlying condition or some pain that he couldn't verbally tell you and your husband about. he would never forgive himself if the pair of you have just been dismissing him and putting it down to wanting to be awake constantly. " I'm not sure, and I hope not. But, I do know one thing. We are strong, and if there is something wrong with Axel, we will work together to get through it and ensure Axel returns to 100% healthy." You look at your husband. He grabs your hand and brings it to his lips, and places a small kiss on the back of it. "your right Carino, We will get through this together, no matter what."

It turns out Axel is just being awkward and is 100% healthy; Dr Hauts thinks that your son is hitting a fussy stage and will grow out of it soon enough. Although in the meantime, the doctor does recommend shorter naps in the daytime, lavender oil body massage after bath time, A night light projector for the ceiling and a music player that plays soft, soothing tones that will help him drift into a blissful long sleep. Right away, you order the items from amazon on next-day delivery and follow the doctor's instructions on the naps.

You put Axel down for 7:30 pm after his body massage with his new lavender oil; Rafael insisted that you buy the best, as he didn't want his son to have an allergic reaction to the oil, and when the oil arrived, he tried it for the rest of the day on his arm just to be on the safe side. You were surprised when Axel cried awake, "Carino, it is your turn," Rafael mumbled and moved to his back, allowing himself to wake up. You get up and head to the nursery to pick Axel up. You looked at the clock in the hallway, and it marked 6:45 am. You smiled, knowing you could finally get back to normal.

#rafael barba #rafael barba fanfiction #rafael barba fic #rafael barba imagine #rafael barba x reader #rafa #rafael barba fluff #fluff #barba #barba x reader #x reader #reader #Raul Esparza #rafael barba x you #law and order svu #law and order special victims unit #law and order fic #svu imagines #svu #SVU fanfiction #l&o: svu #SVU FANDOM

[kitausuret]

8, 24, and 30 for the comic meme

8. What hero doesn’t deserve their hype?

I think every hero deserves their hype, and even when I feel annoyed by their presence, I would never wish ill on the fans who love to see them. For the ones I do admittedly get annoyed by, I feel like I'm not knowledgeable enough to pass judgment.

I am, however, a massive Venom fan, so I am going to sit here and say I'm so fucking sick of seeing Venom in so many places.

(Spider-Man/Venom Free Comic Book Day 2022)

Like, what is this? What is this bullshit? Why are we doing another Venom event? At least they're not as back to back to back like it was for Venomverse/Venomized, Absolute Carnage, and King in Black but Jeeeeeeeesus PLEASE stop pulling absolutely insane stuff trying to make Venom your new "it guy". Just stop it. Please. I'm begging. I want Venom to be kinda boring again.

24. Ship(s) that makes you cringe.

I hate to say it but Flash/Tandy!!! They have absolutely no chemistry. I don't know what's happening with them. They're not like, the wooooorst worst but she's definitely the worst Flash ship that he's had in canon. It seems like he's only there to give some spice to the will-they-won't-they of Tandy/Ty and I think all three of them deserve better than that.

HOWEVER. Dagger atop Anti-Venom dragon. Good for them, I guess. (Savage Avengers #7)

30. What side character do you hate?

This is gonna sound mean but uhhh Dylan Brock. I'm SORRY I just don't understand why he exists and why anyone is following what Donny Cates stated about him being older than Normie Osborn, it's literally impossible. I know because I just read every appearance of Normie's father, literally from the comic he was born in. But that's another rant.

Admittedly 95% of my issues with Dylan arise from the circumstances of his conception, which could have all been fixed by simply saying "Anne and Eddie had a one night stand and she decided to go through with the pregnancy", which wouldn't have fixed her dropping the baby off with Eddie's abusive father, but that's yet ANOTHER rant. Honestly I'm kinda hoping the current run says something really weird about Dylan just so we can stop pretending he is a normal human being. In fact I am begging for him to be something other than a normal human being.

This is symbiote comics!!! Let him be fucking weird!!!!!! Let him be Knull's progeny or some shit!!!!!!!!! shaking and sobbing also tell him to leave Normie aLONEEEEEE (Spider-Man/Venom FCBD 2022)

Ask me salty comics questions!!!

#asked and answered #kita talks comics #flash thompson #tandy bowen #venom

[kosmic-songbird]

Trigger warning: suicide, night terrors, death, #bad brain

Been going through shit since the death of a family member and I'm trying to figure some stuff out about night terrors. I started having them at 14 and they got the worst at 17-20 years old. They went away for a few months and then came back but less frequent and violent. I moved at 23 (almost 24). Turning 25 this month and I had an unusually bad night terrors episode where I had three or four a night for several nights. I'm not out of that stage yet. And I'm so fuckin pissed cause all the night terrors research is on children, young children. And that's just a fuckin punch in the gut for 17 year old me that was suicidal out of fear of living with severe night terrors (several times a week if not nearly every night) for the rest of my life. And it's a slap in the face to nearly 25 year old me that has nothing to go on and blank stares from my doctor's when I bring it up. I'm tired. I thought I was over this. And maybe I am. Maybe I'm having an episode due to all of the medication and lifestyle changes im facing rn. (I am finally, finally, finally over Effexor withdrawals-when your doctor says it will last for a few days or a week know that they are wrong. For myself and many others it's 4-6 weeks if not longer even following a tapered withdrawal plan. It was a month-ish of pure torture for me. Imagine feeling faint and having your ears ringing and the ground swaying while they pick up your grandmother's casket? I was so angry that I had to feel I'll from withdrawals on top of grief. And now that I'm over the withdrawals I'm still dealing with grief and stress from financial matters. Idk. But if I look up why I get so paranoid I can't even close my eyes to sleep and get directed to another article for parents of 6 year olds I'm going to scream. I'm so sick and fuckin tired of no one helping me get over this shit and I'm so fuckin sorry for anyone out there in the same sorry state I'm in. Sorry for disappearing, leaving a rant, and then probably vanishing for at least another few days but I'm so fucked in the head rn I can't function. Starting to wonder if it's all natural or if there's a supernatural element too. (My parents' house is haunted and my night terrors immediately improved after moving. I've not had super serious problems with the terrors until this week. And I visited my family after my grandmother's death for a week. Maybe the bad entity back home hitched a ride or left a stain? Idk. But tomorrow I'm cleansing the whole fucking house, I'm gonna clean it, redecorate the alters (I had to take them down, just in case my Christian conservative family drove me home since they said they would even tho they ended up not doing it), I'm gonna make fresh offerings to my gods, spirits, and ancestors and ask for protection, and I'm going to invoke Medusa for protection something I've only dabbled with but found helpful (she's a cool entity to study and I have some upg about her associations with other Greek figures that I'm planning on creating a researched post about. I'm hoping to dive deep into those aspects of my polytheistic worship soon, but I have to feel stable first so sorry for the wait but it's necessary.)

Again, apologies for the hiatus but I'll be coming back stronger. I just need this rough patch to pass and, from experience, I know it will. Stay safe witches 💙

#triggering stuff #trigger words #bad brain

[thefixeraa]

i’m  furious  so  i’m  going  to  rant ,   it  will  be  under  a  read  more  so  honestly  feel  free  to  ignore  the  fuck  out  of  this .

so  had  my  annual  review  today ,   and  it  was  horrible .   i  left  the  meeting  upset ,   angry  and  devalued  as  a  employee .   mainly  my  customer  service  is  shit ,   hey  we  all  know  this  because  i’ve  been  saying  it  since  day  fucking  one   (  and  even  told  my  main  manager  three  months  in  on  my  first  one v one  meeting  that  one :   despite  my  previous  experience  in  customer  service  and  doing  it  well ,   i  find  that  my  own  issues  regarding  face  to  fact  interactions  with  other  people ,   because  of  many  reasons .   is  difficult  for  me  to  play  this  customer  service  part  that  is  happy  and  smile-y  and  honestly  ridden  with  toxic  positivity  despite  the  fact  someone  might  be  a  complete  dick  head  to  me .   two :   my  mental  health  is  not  what  it  used  to  be  because  i’m  actively  taking  steps  to  heal .   )   

but  then  they  were  nit - picking  things  about  my  performance ,   as  an  example  i  had  to  yell  for  a  manager  because  at  the  time  i  couldn’t  take  cash -   i  had  just  clocked  in ,   thirty  fucking  minutes  early  mind  you   ...   i  had  to  count  my  till  in and  other  than  that  it  wasn’t  my  register ,   so  i  couldn’t  take  someone’s  cash  on  that  register .   but  because  i  was  attempting  to  explain  why  i  couldn’t  take  cash ,  they  said  it  confused  the  customer  more .   like  excuse  me  for  having  to  explain  the  situation  to  a  customer .   maybe  that’s  just  my irrational  response  to  things ,  but  i  literally  just  started  my  shift .   it  is  technically  my  monday .   give  me  a fucking  break .   oh  and  let  me  not  start  talking  about  how  i’m  not  approachable  to  do  tasks ,   only  because  i  have  a  “ face ”  that  suggests  that  i don’t  want  to  be  bothered .

point  of  the  matter  is ,   i  have  done  pretty  well  despite  my  poor  performance  in  customer  service .   yes  it  isn’t  that  good ,   but  it’s  not  like  i  curse  out  every  single  customer .  i  have  my  good  days  and  my  really  bad  days -   but  despite  that  i  still  come  early ,  i  start  my  shift  and  i  get  things  done .   my  manager  asks  me  to  do  things ,  i  do  it  and  yes ,   that’s  even  with  my  bitch  face   (  sorry ,   i  can’t  always  change  the  face  i  fucking  have .  )   this  past  year  i  have  pushed  myself  to  it’s  limits ,   without  much  complaints ,   without  much  push  back .   i  have  burnt  myself  out ,   not  once  but  twice  and  i’m  currently  in  that  sort  of  mental  state  right  now .   yet  ?   i  am  still  a  hard  fucking  worker .   hell  i’ve  gotten  fucking  hives  from  being  so  stressed  out  with  my  personal  shit  and  work  combined  BUT  I  FUCKING  DON’T  COMPLAIN !  i  just  keep  pushing ,   like  the  good  worker  bee  that  i  am .   hell  i  didn’t   take  any  sick  days ,   minus  my  trip  to  italy .   i  worked  hard  for  them  when  we  were  short  staffed .   i  busted  my  ass  during  the  holidays .   i  go  out  of  my  way  to  make  sure  everyone  i  work  with  is  fucking  communicating  and  seeing  where  they  are  at -   because  i  don’t  fucking  just  think  about  myself .   when  i  get  really  worked  up ,   i  walk  away  and  go  outside  instead  of  keeping  myself  at  the  register .

what  pisses  me  off  more  is  that  despite  everything ,   despite  the  burn  out  and  clocking  in  early  and  doing  the  work  and  working  hard .   i  didn’t  “ earn ”  my  fucking  raise .   now  i  have  to  wait  five  fucking  months  to  see  if  i  have  earned  it .   so  in  the  end ,   my  suffering  and  hard  work  doesn’t  mean  a  god  damn  thing  to  them  and  this  is  fucking  capitalism  as  its  fucking  finest .

#* out of chara . #feel free to ignoreeee #i don't even think i got out everything but i just needed to put #something out there #cause my head hurts from just frowning and thinking too hard #jkdhflksjhdf #fuck my managers. #customer service can kiss my ass

[minou-des-etoiles]

TW!!!!!

OCD! AUTISM! DEPRESSION! ANXIETY! TRAUMA! SA!!!!! all in very specific feeling terms which are important to differentiate between triggers like numbers and calories this is a very specifically ocd rant poem!!!!!!!! morality ocd is big and scary!

today i drape over the school bathroom toilet

i am scared that my poetry no longer feels

like i am simply expelling the sickest

most

tangential /

still most poems

fear is in the way

i'll get there

literal /

(how to breathe| how to think |

happy code |code to feel better

||bad behavior|

| good behavior. |

how to be sick cat |..|

how to be | ... |

| healthy cat? |

how to speak in the tone

of someone who is fine |

|.... .... ..||||..|.|~|

how to become fine.

spiritual /

(why me why me why me)

what is real?

acidic ( self explanatory ) /

shame.

I am wrong

i am wrong i am broken

nothing nothing nothing at all

emptiness is better than death

i search for it .

in me.

i cannot find it anymore

in that porcelain

cup of shadows

i can only find

her

🥧. 🐈‍⬛🐛🪳🕷️🕷️🕷️🪲🕺🏻

not her, or her, or her or her

(though,

yes,

her

her

her

her

her

him.

him.

him. but not.)

...

its me .

i

am

finding

..

.... ..

!!

⭐️CAT!!!🐈‍⬛🐈‍⬛✨✨🥧

WHY

am i

still

so fucking

wrong

my secretion isn't on the sides of the bowl because pieces are in her. she still keeps it.

i hope she does. i do.

and him. he will never rid himself of the guilt. i hope he learns to ..

to just ..

to .

..... ... ...........

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU

Fuck you for what you did to me.

fuck you for being fine.

fuck you for being proud

of a goddamn lesbian

sucking your cock and fuck you

for talking about it

fuck you for breaking me to the point where i had to become something else

fuck you for reminding me that what i feel is not normal

fuck you

...... ...

............ .. .... ....

for being the filthy hierophant

i see in every man

who has touched me

why is it you that stays? who gave you such a power?

but

isn't that the point? that i can be

broken?

from him?

i was her

until the day i wasn't —

when i was her

and then

her

and her.... ( there are no

colors in this time

except the ones that return

to me.

when i am..... )

🪄🪄🧠🤓🐈‍⬛🏛️🎨🎭🖼️🏴‍☠️👩🏻‍🎤🕷️🕷️🕷️🕷️🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️❤️✨⭐️🌠��🌌🔭🔭🔭🔭🔭

me !!!!!!!!!!!

💕💖💗💞💓💐🌸🌺💓💘💝💝💐💘🌸💐🎀🌷💝🎀🌷🌷🐷💝🧞‍♀️🎀🎀🦩🩰👚🎟️

from the deep pit

of my stomach

there is me.

why do the painful things make her louder?

why

the

fuck.

has it been nine goddamn years of this?

nine?

3 6 9 three six nine i know what the numbers are

i know why they are there

grandma

(mother of grandma) teaches me of

grandma

(mother of grandma)

i can hear you

i can

i am sorry for abandoning you

to live in a shell of

a soul

when i couldnt see it you

knight of wands told me how to

keep going

you tell me that it is okay to live for more than my body

even if the thoughts never leave?

even if the thoughts never leave.

even if i

stay the same? you will still be lovable

it hurts to turn back into

a newly traumatized

confused cat self

she is yellow she is happy go lucky

she has a light she yearns

will not go out

when she gets

"better"

my thoughts about her don't feel that way

you

learned to live in an angry mind

in the same spot theres something else

block has vanished

all too fast

is this what hope feels like?

i am wise )

i am learning learning learning

when the fog is there and when it isn't

because i want to

i will learn

how to love

how to feel

how to understand and listen and observe the way i always have

you are right

it is better to speak than it is to die

( you speak to me through wisdom of the greats

never will i let go of

my intellect!

TRUE

intellect)

it is better to exist than it is not to cry

( you shout this

from the kind of pedestal

i have grown so weary of in others /

in myself)

there is intelligence in creating

is the birth of passion from knowledge?

connection ?

am i doing this

that terribly wrong?

but isnt the love

something?

Où étais-je ?

#obsessive thinking #ocd! autism! depression! anxiety! trauma! #ocd recovery #depression recovery #triggerwarning #words #rant #poetry #spokenword #inkspill #neurodivergence #vent tag #spirituality #tarot poem #tarot #eek #meow #yeah

[dull-c]

right so, i have had a Super Fun week archiving 40 years worth of actual paper author contracts for work (kill meeee) + sorting last minute biz for little sissas wedding. subsequently I have only squeezed in a few rewatches over the last few days, and am generally existing on caffeine and fumes, so there’s absolutely nothing of substance coming outta this head rn. but! regardless! some incoherent Thoughts on some eps from my one semi-functioning brain cell under the cut

previously on the bad show......... daniel: you look good man! you look hot, sorry i mean sorry you still, sorry- got you got that- you still got that great ass, sorry, i mean you look fucken edible, sorry i mean sorry i wanna kiss you johnny: [takes this personally for some reason] //there is no kissing and everyone is mad about it//

1x04 -“the 15 inch, that’s a nice machine” makes me laugh every time. ahh yes indeed the 15 incher. Yes. That one. Almost as good as the 250 GBer. i know about computers. what are the other staff in this store DOING -kinda home of sexual that billboard thing huh? you working through some stuff jlawz? i love the idea of him not only drawing a 5 meter long paint dick on daniel’s face, but also his karate pamphlets trailing behind him all the way like drunken breadcrumbs -i just need you to know that i laughed at every single dick joke in this episode

-gonna skip right past the poop thing i think -and kyler’s 30 year old HS friend -daniel reacting a normal amount to graffiti on his billboard, nothing to see here. he’s fine he’s fine he’s kicking drinks outta peoples hands he’s ruining livelihoods he’s fine -tom cole definitely voted for trump both times -i cannot tell you how angry i was the first time i watched this and that jlawz big “no do overs” speech was revealed to be directed at carmen and miguel. sir i know you got trauma but try that hard with YOUR ACTUAL SON please -daniel: that’s too bad :D that you broke up with kyler :DDDD really sorry to hear!! [is happiest babygirl alive]

1x05 -do some yoga jlawz, it’ll be good for you!! -oh no robby buying pizza for his ma. he got the one she likes. baby boi :((( -gonna scoot past the lynne stuff but i repeat, i’m glad they pumped the brakes on this shit in later seasons bc this aint it!!! -daniel raising the rent on poor folks and then deliberately going to johnny to rub it and/ or his wealth in his face is objectively some supervillain nonsense, but if they wanted me to not like him in this scene maybe they shouldn’t have made him look so hot. i’m very shallow and dumb and he look sexy when he mean -“i guess sam takes after her dad.” kyler’s a gronk but credit where it’s due, that was a sick burn.

-okay daniel talking to miyagi at his grave > cleaning out the dojo > going back to karate > panflutes > hachimaki etc made me do an embarrassingly big cry. my brain is not in any shape to verbalise this rn but something about him fucking up, realizing it and heading to a cemetery and talking to miyagi all vulnerable like that really did a number on my feelings, especially coming right out of the tkk movies rewatch. he misses him so much ;_;

1x06 -boooo kreese sucks, even in flashbacks and when I can’t see his face. -“my dad hates [daniel larusso’s] guts” ok was jlawz just talking about daniel constantly the full 30+ years?? no wonder robby is mad, if every time he actually saw him he was like “hi dad!” and dad launched into an hour long rant about one guy from high school he interacted with a total of four times and three of those four times was him beating him up -demetri is a big vibe. love my beloved garbage disaster man, but pretty sure if I met him irl i would pretty quickly be like ‘ok buddy, for sure! yeah strike hard totally. anyway…. [already out the door] seeya!!’ -daniel asking everyone to do karate with him including his employees trying to fill that miyagi void is such an understatedly sad part of this episode. my old mens both so sad. ilu please go to therapy -miguel and sam are freaking adorable awkward babies and i would die for them -robby trying to use daniel to get back at his dad and then instantly imprinting on him is so funny. being charmed by daniel larusso is in the genes somehow -(not to be shallow ((is shallow)) but daniel looks so baby in that bit where robby comes to the house) -you know that scene in not another teen movie where they’re like “oh my god she’s wearing glasses! and overalls! and her hair is tied back!!”? the Hawk scene gives that in reverse vibes. like GASP, he gelled his hair!! and put on skinny jeans!!!

1x07 -it’s a montaaaage! -miguel no offense my sweet summer child but do not ask jlawz for advice on romance. his idea of courting is just obsessively brooding about them for 30 years and then when he finally sees them again stomping on their foot and running away -daniel being like “it was a solid business plan!” (re little trees) is so so daniel. i am gonna chew my own arm off i love this bouncy little pretend guy so hard -the UST in the committee meeting is off the charts. please stop looking at each other like that in public (also daniel being like OH GIMMIE A BREAK when jlawz said ‘kreese is dead’ is honestly the funniest thing in all of season 1. maybe the entire series) -i’m getting ahead of myself, but the golf and stuff montage has made me think – it’s kinda weird that they went with ali and jlawz going there in s3, right? idk miguel and sam is a cute little parallel to the movie, but A & J going there seems…. strange to me. although not any stranger than anything else they’ve done re: the original movie ig? hmm.   anyway! weird thought to end things on, but sometimes it do be like that. will resume normal rewatching transmissions on the weekend. might even have an actual coherent thought or two on something after I catch up on some sleep! i have high hopes

#claire rewatches the 35 year slow burn #rewatch 1x04 - 1x07 #tired edition

[soryualeksi]

Okay, so. I'm ALL for not spreading, you know, deadly fucking disease to your fellow human beings, but WHAT is it with people, like, pretending to not understand the mere concept of a common cold anymore??

I keep being made an unwilling participant in a discussion that goes as follows:

"Hm, I have a cough and a sore throat."

"Oh dear."

"But I keep testing for Covid every day before coming into work."

"That's the responsible thing to do."

"The tests keep coming back negative."

"That's good to hear. Let's hope it stays that way."

Now normally, this would be the end of this extremely awkward sickness-smalltalk that I don't actually wanna know anything about. But no. Then they suddenly double down.

"I don't trust the tests."

"Well, I trust you to have done the tests in the correct manner, so if they keep coming back negative I would assume you don't have Covid."

"But I have a cough and a sore throat."

"Yes, I mean, it could just be a common cold. Those still exist."

"But I've been like this for a week now."

"Colds are like that."

"But also my head hurts a bit."

"Colds do that, too."

"But also I feel kind of tired and ill."

"Yes, that's... Look, I'm sure that before Covid you've had a cold at some point, too?"

"But I don't trust the tests."

AND THEN IT JUST GOES ON LIKE THIS.

WHAT IS BEING EXPECTED OF ME HERE.

;_;

I don't want to invalidate people feeling worried and then I usually say, look, if the ONE blob of nose slime that contains like three little particles for the test to come back positive on, is hidden SO deep within your nasal cavities you can't get it on your swab no matter how hard you poke around there, then even if you HAD Covid - which you don't - I think it's unlikely there'd be enough of the virus in that other little blob of nose slime over there you could possibly fling into the air IF you coughed wetly on the next person without covering your mouth.

Like?? Is this a new kind of social ritual I don't understand??? Are we signaling our place in the "We are mindful of the pandemic" hierarchy by??? Insisting our runny nose must be from Covid and we just cannot detect it AND ALSO IF YOU'RE SO WORRIED THAN WHY ARE YOU AT WORK WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT WHY DO I HAVE TO PARTICIPATE IN THAT

???

I don't wanna have this discussion anymore, I don't know what to say other than "In this case the evidence points to: common cold."

What is the purpose of this discussion, what answer do they want, what am I supposed to provide them. ;_; Please. You probably have a cold. If you feel so shitty that you have to constantly let me know, than maybe you should go get sick leave from your doctor, why are you telling ME, why do you believe that there's no other respiratory infections besides Covid anymore, WHAT DO YOU WANT, and also WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE *ME* YOUR DISGUSTING-ASS COLD SOB

I'm sorry for ranting, but this keeps happening and I'm TIRED. If you're really, truly worried you are infectious with a nasty disease, then stay the fuck home. And if you're not. Then WHY. Are we having this stupid discussion.

;_;

#I'm so confused and tired #this keeps happening #'my daily tests are negative but my throat is scratchy wow i think I'll pass the fuck up your lungs and blood vessels disease to you' #it's a cold and i don't care about your colds everyone has a scratchy throat this time of the year #if you're ill stay home #if not then don't try to rope me into endless 'but maybe it's covid after all don't you think' discussions #'but i don't get how i can feel under the weather and also my nose is runny' IS THIS A GAME I'M NOT GETTING #sob #it's so stupid to be annoyed about this but it just. keeps. happening. #if you think you'll give our cancer and dialysis patients the death cough than don't come #if you keep testing and nothing comes up and you do the tests right than i still can't help you #YES SOMETIMES YOUR THROAT WILL BE SCRATCHY THAT'S CALLED A COLD IT'S AUTUMN WHY IS THIS MY PROBLEM #maybe they actually want sympathy and 'wow this must be so hard on you' #but also i can't do more than say 'i hope you'll feel better soon and also I'm sure you'll live' #and frankly i don't want to #??? #random ranting #soryuchan's personal issues #I'm just tired i don't mind comforting people but the 'my throat is itchy' discussions are getting too much #too. much.

[ronearoundblindly]

hey, i just wanted to say i’m thinking of you & hoping that you get through these times quickly and with as little pain as possible. i hope the future brings you all the happiness ❤️ (and this goes without saying, you’re a brilliant writer)

tldr; I failed, but I am not a failure. I'm a gd saint, mfer.

It's a bit like being completely numb and paralyzed on a train about to wreck in a hurricane. Like it is all an incredibly shit situation that I have zero control over. I hate every second of this. I hate that I saw it coming, but I didn't because I thought working hard enough would fix it. Now I've wasted a fuckton of hard work that wasn't worth it and I kinda wanna burn everything down? Idk, my friend has talked me out of nuking everything multiple times.

I know I keep going on rants about it, but I kept this shit to myself for so, so long. I internalized every single thing 'wrong' with our relationship as my fault and he knew that and said nothing. I've had 'but I beat myself up about how I'm disappointing you' thrown in my face for six years as a way to fob off never saying a goddamn thing about what effort he was/is willing to put in.

I'm fucking exhausted, and three weeks ago I wanted this shitstorm to work out. I give up now. It's not worth the effort. I'm not at all loved or respected or even fucking listened to, but I stand to lose far more AND be called the bad guy.

On the writing note, bless you. Everything under the sun makes me feel like shit these days except writing. I'm clinging so hard to Steve Rogers right now that it is sick, it is not healthy, and I do not fucking care. I'm writing the wedding and honeymoon I should have had--the one that I deserved and earned, the one you all deserve, in fact-- so FUCK IT.

I'm a good person. I cared. I tried. I put up with so much even when I was made to feel like such a deficient piece of shit who could not get the one man on earth that is supposed to love her to give me so much as a hug during the pandemic.

Yes. This is just a bunch of dirty laundry, but since all the laundry was my responsibility while I owned and ran a business and he bounced from job to job, I'm airing that shit out. I don't even hate him. I hate what he's done to me. I hate what I've become. I hate the time--so much fucking time--wasted.

I'm sorry, you poor anon. You did not deserve this much shit laid at your door.

...but I went and did it anyway.

Here, have some happy trees in recompense!

#ro answers #ro rants #y'all may need to block that tag for a bit just in case #ilysm anon

[fruity-phrog]

Okay this is really annoying now. It’s like, haha, That Vegan Teacher, veganism bad. YES. I get how That Vegan Teacher is fucking annoying and stupid. I get that dogs can’t be vegan. I get that it’s better to use animal hide for bags ect (as long as it isn’t from some sick as fuck meat industry but I’m not getting into that). But veganism isn’t some controversial topic to discuss at Thanksgiving. It’s like saying “oh, what are your thoughts on Christianity?” or “Thoughts on gay people?”. It’s just the way I live my life. Oh no, I don’t eat dairy or meat! This affects other people totally and completely and must be discussed immediately! I have been saying this for years now, but listen very closely. 

MOST VEGAN PEOPLE. DON’T SHOVE IT. DOWN YOUR THROAT.

I have never brought up being vegan unprompted. Sometimes I’ll say “oh no thx I’m vegan” when offered something someone’s made so that I don’t offend them by turning down their offer, but that’s IT. Okay, you know what, here’s something that happened the other day:

Person: Oh you should try this [milk-based drink]

Me: Oh no thanks I don’t drink milk.

Person: You’re lactose intolerant?

Me: No, just vegan.

Person: Okay. Preach. Jesus.

Like?!?! I AM NOT SHOVING THIS DOWN YOUR THROAT BY EXISTING. That conversation actually happened, and wasn’t the first. I’m so bored of this shit. I find the idea of drinking some other animal’s titty milk gross! 

I’m not even sorry for the rant. Snoop Dogg heavily promotes vegan products. Taylor Swift is vegetarian. Tom Cruise is vegetarian. Ariane Grande is vegan. Billie Eilish is vegan. So, in short, to answer “thoughts on veganism?”; THERE REALLY SHOULDN’T BE ANY. Either you are vegan, and so you have thoughts on why you are, or you aren’t vegan, and therefore have no opinion because it has not, nor will it ever, affect your life.

And last thing: you know how much you hate That Vegan Teacher? Vegans hate her three fold.

#cedar crap #me #veganism #vegan #ariana grande #billie eilish #snoop doog #taylor swift

[silkscream]

this is a rant, and it does contain me talking of gun violence and school shootings. so if you don’t like hearing/talking about it you don’t have to acknowledge this or repost. i understand.

i am genuinely so so tired and upset every day. i am feeling so hard for all the parents, siblings, friends, families that have lost their babies and friends in these shootings. 27 mass shootings since uvalde. i can’t fucking take it anymore. i’m sick of the thoughts and prayers coming from these sick ass republicans and conservatives who won’t give up their guns. thoughts and prayers don’t bring back dead children. im so FUCKING TIRED of living like this every day. that’s why the entire time the jd and amber heard trial was going on and people were more concerned with that than the, oh idk, fucking WAR in ukraine?? the shootings occuring daily?? Like are you fucking kidding?

and as somebody who’s lived in a school where we had a shooting my sophomore year- three people injured, one killed- i just wish people would take this more seriously. im terrified, im tired, and im angry. and some of these so called performative ass democrats need to get the fuck off of their asses and do SOMETHING.

i completely agree with you, anon. i couldn't imagine going back to school -- fucking public school -- the next day after hearing about a mass shooting on the news. it would scare me to even exist as a young person during these times. i'm so sorry that something similar happened to you when you were in school. it sounds horrifying.

but i want you to know that i'm completely with you. i will stand with you and advocate for gun control and criticize this piece of shit system along with you. right now everything feels fucking hopeless, and i can't even be optimistic enough to say that this shit will change, because sandy hook literally happened ten years ago. but i promise you that you're not alone. i wish you the best, and my inbox is always open if you need anything.

#asks #anonymous

[theo-grayson]

2, 21, 23, 30!

Thank you so much for the ask aaah!! I am now going to go into far more detail than is necessary because I love to talk HAHA

2. three last songs you listened to

A: Miss Miseryguts (by R.I.P)

This song slaps so hard. I have been listening to it on repeat for like a week. The lyrics are so good and I have been imagining amvs with my oc to it (his name is Chamomile, he is a strawberry cow-boy, and this song is a little more toxic than he usually is, but I'm imagining that it's like an evil au or something LOL)

B: The soundtrack from Animation VS Minecraft: The King (by Scott Buckley)

Listen. Listen for just one second. Imagine theres an animated series. It's about this guy who draws some stick figures on his computer, and they come to life. Hijinks ensue, and they have all sorts of wacky adventures on his desktop, and eventually in Minecraft as well.

Look me in the eyes. This thing has lore. And character arcs. And morally grey characters with tragic backstories.

And it also has crazy good music (WITH LEITMOTIFS). The link above is the soundtrack for The King, aka the season 3 finale and an episode that literally made me cry actual tears. But I also reccomend listening to the Pigstep Remix (PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE LISTEN TO IT it's an absolute banger, it starts with the og minecraft music disc music, then transitions into this crazy good orchestral arrangement PLEASE listen I am BEGGING you), and watching the epsiodes Note Block Battle (silly nonsense, no lore or understanding of the series needed, but funky tunes) and Note Block Universe (the first half is silly nonsense with funky tunes, the second half features one of the aformentioned Morally Grey Characters and their tragic backstory. Lots of it won't make sense unless you know the series, but I can't talk about the AVM series or it's music without talking about it) (both Note Block episodes use music as a main plot point) (also, there is almost never any dialogue, which makes the music absolutely shine when conveying emotions, in addition to the animation [which is so expressive despite the characters literally not having faces. They can emote SO much with JUST body language]) (I am getting SO off track I'm sorry I just love AVM so much) (one day im going to write a 10,000 word rant about how good AVM is I swear)

C: HYACINTHUS (by Aidoneus)

Man, it's just so beautiful, and considering it's about the story of Apollo and Hyacinthus, I love it from a story AND religious viewpoint 🪻🌻

21. three songs of your childhood

Last of Me by CircusP, Echo (Nightcore) (by Jason Walker), and Pika Girl (Nightcore) (by S3RL) were PEAK music to my extremely depressed 12 year old self, I was DEEP into vocaloid/nightcore/etc and honestly I still am GRHWHAHE

23. three songs that never fail to get you pumped up

A: BREADY STEADY GO (by OMOCAT)

The entire Omori OST is absolutely amazing, and has such a good range of different emotions, but the boss themes especially are SO good. This one is SUCH a banger AGHHH

B: Voices (by Derivakat)

One of my favourite Technoblade tributes. It is absolutely incredible. Also listen to the version by The Jukeblockers, it features lyrics in like 12 languages and it has a sick guitar solo bit

C: World's End Valentine (by OMOCAT)

It's another Omori one but I literally cannot help it. It's SO GOOD AAAGGHHHHHHHH

30. three songs you really want your followers to know (for reasons other than all those above)

A: Innocence (by Nathan Wagner) Holy fuck. One of the most beautiful and haunting songs I've ever heard in my whole life. If you only listen to one of these songs, make this one of them. Please. Also, it is VERY good for imagining amvs in your head.

B: Sealed Vessel (by Christopher Larkin) and OMORI + ALTER (by OMOCAT)

Technically this is 2 songs (technically 3 but OMORI and ALTER are like a part 1 and 2 of the same song), but they both fall into "video game final boss themes that make me want to cry", even though they are quite different. Sealed Vessel is more haunting and heart-sinkingly sad, especially near the end. OMORI + ALTER is sad, but more in a chest-tightening anxious way. If you know the stories of Hollow Knight and Omori, you know that the lore for both of them is heartbreaking, and these songs fit that perfectly.

C: The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild - Theme

God. This song just makes me feel so much. The main bit makes my heart race and gives me goosebumps every time I listen to it. I don't even know why, or how to describe it. And it means so much to me emotionally as well. BOTW was a huge part of my life, and it always will be. This game gave me escapism when I was going through a really traumatic part of my life, Link was a big part of figuring out my gender identity, and I would spend time with my mom by playing while she watched. It's so important to me, and this song makes me feel so many feelings. Man.

#thank you so much for the ask aghehdn #i am a certified yapper im so sorry #also like half of these are video game soundtracks ZHRGWH my taste in music is pretty broad i dont JUST listen to those LOL #ask games #asks #long post #i HOPE i didnt fuck up any of the links LOLLLL

[ventingbin]

Just to clarify, my family was never perfect, or good, it was… decent.

I don't remember ever having a celebration for my birthday, good grades, or my little accomplishments of the time, none of my sisters (8) or brothers (2) seemed to have them either.

Ever since I was little, I knew my mom wasn't to be disturbed if it was not important, since she had not only to take care of us & the house, but had to go around churches and other places to get us food, clothes and stuff, since my father was an alcoholic who did not care less about how we lived.

He wasn't present much, at least not sober, and while he wasn't the physical abusive kind, he sure was manipulative, over jealous and toxic, going to the point of not letting my mom go out with friends, talk to people he didn't knew, and even got her pregnant once every three years (when the last baby was already big enough) since she was 15 to prevent her from just get up and run.

They fought a lot. My mom would scream, cry, throw stuff at him, and he would just be like "why are you yelling at me? I didn't nothing wrong, you're so emotional" and say sorry with the most infuriating smile I've ever seen.

Well, one day, my mom had enough, I think around the time the 9 kid was born, and just kicked him out and say it was over. He got up, took his tuff and leave, going to a rancho (house made out of iron planks, almost inhabitable)in a relative's back yard.

She would take us there every Sunday so we could still see him, cause she was that good of a person, and idk what she think we felt (maybe thought we missed him? But we're only happy to visit him cause he'll give us nice food) and after a bit of acting miserable and promising he'll change, my mom let him back in our house.

He did, in fact, not change. At least not immediately. Took years and years of fights and my mom's mental health before he gave up beer, started helping around the house, actually caring about us, even taking us to the hospital when we where sick (he didn't do that unless we we're dying or throwing our intestines out. And our healthcare is free) and got us a nice house that my mom chose.

And everything went downhill again in my younger sister 15th birthday.

They invited my older sisters and their families, and also that one relative who helped my dad. She came with his children and the party started, everything normal until, almost at the end, my dad decided to be an imbecile and started dancing with her (those songs you have to move your ass against other person, or be very close together) Infront of my mom and the whole family.

She keeps calm till the end of the party, when she start fighting him for it and his drunk ass tried to defend himself. None of the two wrent to sleep till 6 am, just arguing. But things settled over time and my mom seemed to have forgotten about it.

Then mothers day came around.

Again, they throw a party, families and that fucking whore i have to call relative came, with all her children this time. And then, when everybody was already drunk, my father and her decided my mom hadn't had enough stress for his lifetime and start getting really close. Huge fight, my mom's in thears, i could hear her voice even when I was in my room.

She tries to leave with us (the 6 children that remain in the house) the next day, with the eyes red from tears and huge eyebags under her eyes. My dad, getting again into his old habit of not recognizing when he fucked up, tried to downplay everything and convince her to stop and just forget it.

Then, the older of the sisters, the one she birthed at 15, came to try reasoning with her. She gave her a whole rant about "all men think with their dicks and will cheat no matter what, my husband is just like him, but you just have to accept it, don't ever let him interact with any of your female friends again, don't talk to him about them, and maintain a double life so he doesn't cheat on you. I did it! It's easy! " like that's normal relationship advice.

Anyways, realizing that none of her siblings would let her stay at their house with the six of us, and knowing she hadn't nowhere to run, she has to accept it and swallow the rage.

Two days ago, when I was coming home from school, I see the children of that relative all scattered around the house. I go to my mom.

" child services got em here" she says " their mom would have a trial soon, and they likely end up in an adoptive home, they (child services) ordered that we, as their only family with a house, take care of them till then"

And I'm like, alright. I saw this coming. She went clubbing even after one of his children had to get hospitalized for an accident, she was obviously not a good mom. I was ready to, uncomfortably, wait till they had to go without saying nothin.

But then, this motherfucker whore came in, sat at our table like she has done nothing, and gets a plate of food. She didn't cooperate with money, she didn't even brings forks, acting like we had to take care of her like the other children's.

AND. MY. MOM. LET. HER.

I was rabid inside. I wanted to fucking smash the plate on his face and cut her throath with the shards. How dare she?!? Why was nobody doing anything, acting like she was a friend of us?!?!?

I'm so fucking territorial, i couldn't even tolerate my sisters boyfriends eating with us, even if they were nice people. I feel so weird having strangers at my house, that is supposed to be my safe space from the world. Eating, going to the bathroom, doing laundry, i can't do nothing if there's people staying over. I just stay in my room all day, feeling paranoid.

When it's someone i hate, like this bitch, it's even worse.

She stays for the night, sleeps in the bed sofa, right next to my room (that didn't even have a door so I had to know she was there, for the whole night)

I was about to go crazy. I cried to sleep that night, and wasn't until four am, without tears left, that I could hypnotize myself to sleep.

I got up the next day, today, and she's gone. I thought "oh, maybe she realized how fucking inadequate was to beg for a place to sleep exactly to us, huh?" But no. At nighttime, about to get dinner, she shows up and claims a plate of food, like before.

And I'm fucking pissed, enraged, with the blood boiling and also wanting to cry, cause i hate her so much. Almost as much as I hate my dad. And I want to kill her, kill me or just stop existing, cause she just ruined the already weak and barely standing family I had. I just want that whore to die already.

#trauma #tw manipulation #tw emotional abuse #tw emotional distress #tw cursing #ranting #i hate everything #hate my life #i hate this #fucking why #sh mention #abuse mention #venting #rant post #personal rant

[wuppydog]

really really annoys me when NT ppl get offended when I tell them I need alone time. (life rant ⬇️)

like I have agoraphobia and autism, I hate being around people. I'm married to the one person I can actually tolerate for a few days of 24/7 contact and then he works most of the day during the week & I'm off doing my own thing, so I'm alone for like 12hrs a day every day expert the weekend.

*this* weekend we paid for cleaners/organizers come over & fix the house (it was hoarder level disastrous). there were three ladies & the lead lady was kind of rude.

so from 9AM to 6PM they were all over our house & telling us what to do, a shit ton of physical labor while I'm disabled & I've been adjusting to new medications on top of it all so I'm feeling sick to my stomach.

they finally left today around 5:30, & when I asked husband to get something out of my bag & wallet WE COULDN'T FIND IT. it took us 45 minutes of freak-out high intensity stressed tf out to finally find it buried under a bunch of shit. & *them* I could finally relax.

except my body aches, my stomach is upset, my head is killing me, I'm exhausted.... so then I'm overtstimulated & every noise & touch even if it's barely there feels like fire in my brain. husband kept making jokes of hand at random shit (which is his usual, I don't have a problem with it 99% of the time) & istg I just wanted to punch him.

so like, the point of this is, I decided to come lay down in bed in the dark until my meds kick in & I can go to sleep around 9PM, & husband pouts "already? :(" so I'm in bed & husband is just lagging & taking his sweet time & when I say goodnight to get him out the door he COMES BACK and asks for a kiss to which I joke back "ur gonna make me get up?" & THAT'S when he started to be offended. he gives me this upset look that he does sometimes so I tell him "dude I'm stressed out in sick I'm tired..." & he says he didn't know, so I explained that there were too many people (STRANGERS!) in our house for TOO long & jokes that I needed to be alone in the quiet for 10 years.

& the jerk shuffles out to the living room as he scoffs an okay at me. like!!!! I had a lot of trauma be triggered today, dude! trauma that you know about! I'm sorry your life wasn't miserable growing up but mine was & having ppl clean for me is a trigger! you don't have mental illnesses you're completely normal! I AM NOT. I'm fucking exhausted & istg if you complain again imma bop you one!

he's fine I'm fine it's fine i just hate days like these where I don't want to be around anyone but..... we live together so like, where is he gonna go lol

#thx if you read all that nonsense #being mental ill & married to the least mentally ill & most NY man in the world is stressful in and of itself sometimes! #whining #husband #💜