#so it's just a whole bunch of stuff that's got me mentally occupied

[gh0st-patr0l]

ADHD in DSMP

So about a week back, I made a post about Karl Jacobs (a bit of a passive aggressive one, I’ll admit, but I think it was justified), complaining that a lot of the ‘criticism’ I see about Karl is actually rather insensitive towards his ADHD. I got a lot of responses to that post, and the most common sources of confusion I saw were:

People not understanding what I was saying they should avoid being judgmental of, or-

People who didn’t know that Karl had ADHD or didn’t understand which behaviors were caused by it.

First of all, Karl has confirmed that he has ADHD.

(NOTE: Yes, I know he said ADD. ADD and ADHD used to be categorized as separate disorders, but in the most recent edition of the DSM, it was decided that they are both simply subtypes of the same disorder- ADHD is the correct technical term. ADD is still sometimes used as shorthand by some practitioners to diagnose primarily-inattentive ADHD, but it's a bit outdated.)

Secondly, that original post made me realize that a lot of people who may be well-meaning may genuinely not fully understand ADHD and its symptoms as well as they want to or think they might. If you aren’t aware, Karl isn’t the only one in the DSMP with ADHD- to my understanding, both Technoblade and Dream have confirmed that they have it as well. So, I thought it would be helpful to put together a comprehensive crash-course on ADHD symptoms and how they effect people’s behavior!

Now, before we go further, I want to address something- as I said earlier, I saw some people unsure of whether certain behaviors are ADHD or “just his personality”. I feel the need to point this out above the read more so people will see it. To answer this question, as someone with ADHD;

A lot of times, it’s both. ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder, meaning that it’s caused by the way your brain developed from birth. A lot of the symptoms and effects of ADHD are extremely influential towards the way we think, act, and behave, to the point where “symptoms” and “normal behavior” really don’t have a clean differentiation. This is why it’s technically classified as a ‘disorder’, instead of an illness. While certain aspects of it can require treatment, the condition itself as a whole is not something to be mitigated or eliminated- it’s a part of who we are as a person. This is also why sometimes, even if you don’t have ADHD, you’ll look at certain specific behaviors or experiences and go “Oh, but I do that too!”. A lot of ADHD ‘symptoms’ are just a bunch of normal traits or behaviors, but in combination with each other and some actually problematic aspects, form the appearance of the disorder.

So, what are you allowed to nitpick about it? Well, there’s no real ‘authority’ on this, and even if there was it certainly wouldn’t be me. But if you want my opinion? Nothing.

See, here’s the thing- what I was trying to say when I made that post was not that you can’t be critical of Karl. If you want to say something about his Actions, his Ideals, or the content he creates- sure, go for it, that’s fair. I will agree that there are some very valid and constructive points to be made. But when you post ‘criticism’ about the way he speaks, his interests or preoccupations, his personal behaviors? That’s not criticism. That’s just judging someone.

And you’re allowed to think that stuff! Nobody can control what annoys or bothers them. It doesn’t necessarily make you a bad person. But you don’t need to be vocal about it. You can keep your mean thoughts to yourself. And if you do make posts or communities or whatever about judging someone for things they can’t change about themselves, don’t call it “criticism” or try to morally justify it. It’s not productive or righteous, it’s just rude. Nothing else.

Anyway. Back to Education!

The following will be a descriptive list of visible ADHD behaviors, using Karl’s behavior as examples.

I feel the need to add a disclaimer here- I am not a mental health professional. However! I have ADHD myself, I have taken some psychology courses and done a Lot of research into this stuff, and I’m the daughter of a therapist with access to a DSM. While I’m not an expert, I’d like to think I’m fairly well versed and knowledgeable on at least ADHD. (That being said, if by chance anyone who Is a professional sees this post and notices mistakes, by all means let me know and I’ll fix it!!)

WHAT IS ADHD?

You’re here for the behaviors more than the science, so I’ll keep this short and sweet. ADHD is Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (Known in the past as Attention Deficit Disorder). Despite its name, the root problem of ADHD is not in the person’s ability to pay attention, but their brain’s capability to manage itself. In simple terms, people with ADHD have a lot less control over what their brain does and wants. This results in some behavioral differences along with some personal challenges, namely a difficulty with attentiveness and self-discipline.

Now, onto the symptoms!

ATTENTION

This is perhaps the most visible and pervasive of the ADHD symptoms, hence why it’s the namesake. Inattention is a lack of focus and an inability to stay present and occupied with certain tasks or thoughts.

Because ADHD impairs self-management of the brain, people with it have an extremely hard time directing themselves anywhere but where their brain instinctively wants to go. This results in inattentiveness and the easiness of distraction that is often mocked or stereotyped for people with ADHD.

Here are some examples of how Karl can sometimes display his inattentiveness;

When he has an idea that he seems passionate about, only to drop it or switch to something totally different without warning soon after (either forgetting or getting bored of his original idea).

When he sets out to do something like a build, works on it for a short amount of time, and then immediately gives up or gets someone else to do it.

When someone else is talking and he totally zones out. (NOTE: While I wont make a whole section for it because it’s not easily observable, maladaptive (constant and intrusive) daydreaming is a common ADHD symptom as well!)

It’s important to remember that the whole problem with ADHD is that we can’t control when or what we focus on. When someone with ADHD zones out during a conversation or activity, it doesn’t mean they’re doing it on purpose, and they likely don’t mean any offense! We often are trying our best to listen or participate, but our brain just wont cooperate.

However, inattention is not the only way ADHD effects our focus. There’s also what’s called hyperfocus or hyperfixation, which is when we are so absorbed into a single subject, task, or idea that it is extremely difficult to get us to think about or do anything else. This is usually because our brains have found something that is getting those satisfaction chemicals flowing, and it’s clinging to that with everything it’s got.

People with ADHD will often experience brief periods of hyperfocus. Think of how Karl talks about spending hours straight working on a build or project without eating or drinking, or how he’ll sit down to play a game with someone and end up going six hours without even noticing.

There are also hyperfixations, where someone with ADHD becomes extremely preoccupied with a certain subject, topic, etc. for a period of time. These can be short term- personally, my hyperfixation can sometimes change as quickly as a couple weeks at a time. However, it can also be long term. Karl has been obsessed with Survivor since the second grade- not to mention his memorabilia, rambling, and constant references to Kingdom Hearts.

HYPERACTIVITY/STIMMING

This is a BIG one for Karl. I should clarify; ‘stimming’ is not a technical term, and in professional situations these behaviors are just referred to as Hyperactivity. However, I personally like the term stimming much more and find it far more accurate to what the behaviors actually are, so I’ll be using that instead for this post.

If you’re not already familiar, ‘stimming’ (derived from ‘stimulation’) is an unofficial term used to describe consistent and abnormal patterns of physical and vocal behavior typically expressed by people with ADHD and ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). This includes things that people usually call fidgets or tics.

(NOTE: There are differences in how people with those two disorders stim. This post will explain stimming specifically from an ADHD perspective! ASD stimming is caused by very different factors and presents itself in much different ways. Do your own research if you’re curious!) 

There are two major observable forms of stimming- physical and vocal. Karl expresses both VERY often! I’ll use examples for each type;

Physical Stims: Flapping his hands/arms, jumping up and down when he’s excited, twisting around into odd positions in his chair, throwing, hitting, or tapping things, standing up and pacing around when he’s hyped up or laughing, twisting his rings, etc.

Vocal Stims: When he gets excited and repeats a certain phrase incessantly (Think any variation of “I’m popping off”), making certain repetitive noises while he’s focused on something or bored (”la la la”, the meow-noises, the weird heart-beat noise, etc.), singing or humming, tongue clicking.

It should be noted here that it’s pretty common for people with ADHD to get “stuck” on certain phrases or noises, and be unable to stop repeating them (reminiscent of echolalia, a symptom of ASD, but not the same thing). Think of how Karl might sometimes keep making a weird noise for an extended period of time even though it’s not that funny, or that one time he was physically struggling to keep himself from singing the Bakugan theme. These repetitions are completely impulsive and trust me, we usually know how annoying it is while we’re doing it, but we physically cannot stop.

ADHD stims are caused by the fact that the barrier between our brain and body is much weaker than a normal person’s. Because of this, most ADHD stims are actually very positive expressions of joy, excitement, or enthusiasm! Y’know how when you get excited, you feel like you wanna jump or dance? The ‘hyperactivity’ of ADHD is basically just that, but we don’t have the self-control to Not do it.

Stims can be caused by negative feelings like overstimulation, but in ADHD this is not nearly as common. Usually, the most negative reason we’ll stim is when we’re bored- in that case, our brain isn’t getting the Constant Stimulation that it naturally wants, so stimming is a way to make our own.

Whatever the cause, stimming is natural and impulsive. While different people experience it to varying degrees, those who regularly stim typically have little to no control over it. Suppressing stims is very hard and very frustrating to do.

Besides that, like I said- ADHD stims are often an expression of joy, excitement, or enthusiasm. They’re a beautiful thing that shouldn’t be seen as shameful or annoying!

BEHAVIORAL DIFFICULTIES

ADHD is a disorder which causes a lack of self-control. Naturally, this means that people with ADHD are inherently reckless, impulsive, and struggle with a lack of self-discipline that they cannot fix.

Of course, people with ADHD do still have some level of self-control, and they are still responsible for conscious, long-term behavioral patterns and decisions. However, in regards to most things, they are much, much less capable of controlling themselves than an average neurotypical person is.

These are some examples of how this will often present itself in Karl;

Excessive rambling, dragging on a joke or conversation when it could and should probably have been dropped, etc.

Speaking over or interrupting other people (NOTE: As someone with ADHD- THIS IS ALMOST ALWAYS UNINTENTIONAL. I know it can seem rude or annoying but I promise, 90% of the time if someone with ADHD talks over you, they either didn’t realize or physically couldn’t help it. Please try to be patient!)

Lack of awareness towards social cues (NOTE: Unlike ASD, in which the person is incapable of/has problems fully understanding social cues, ADHD results in a lack of awareness. For whatever reason, we’re often just not paying close enough attention to pick up on things like body language, tone of speech, and facial expression as well as we would normally.)

Indecisiveness and overthinking

Bluntness, lack of subtlety

Unintentional dismissiveness, accidentally ignoring things/people (NOTE: Again, this behavior is purely accidental. In this case, it’s usually just the person genuinely not hearing or processing things.)

Making noises, speaking, joking, etc. at inappropriate times

There’s probably more, but I think you get the idea by now. A lot of the time, behavior which results from ADHD can be seen as rude, lazy, dismissive, or otherwise intentionally harmful. In reality, we just aren’t wired to navigate common social interaction with grace.

In Karl’s case, he’s clearly an incredibly sweet, empathetic, and kind-hearted person, if the various close friends who have talked about him are to be believed. Just because he talks over people or makes a poorly timed joke, that doesn’t mean he meant any harm. 

I think that’s about it for how much I wanted to point out! You can do more research if you’re curious, but I feel like this post should be enough to tell you what to keep in mind and be understanding about when talking about/making judgements on Karl, and other people with ADHD.

#sorry if this is longwinded but I had a lot to say so [shrug] #karl jacobs #dsmp #dream smp #dreamwastaken #ghost.txt

[nakamoto-aesthetics]

Varsity Jacket | j.jh

synopsis: your highschool boyfriend has a reputation of not showing affection in public nor sharing his clothes with other girls so why was he doing those things with you?

pairing: boyfriend!jaehyun x fem!reader

genre: highschool!au, sexual themes with some fluff on the side

warning: lots of touching “you just gotta touch you know-”

word count: 2.2k

Part 1 | Part 2

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

you open your locker and huff grabbing your heavy textbooks out of your locker. there was no reason for them to be this damn heavy at all. the books were only filled with a bunch of nonsense words and things you were never gonna use in the future.

if the books were filled with useful things then maybe you would let the heaviness of them slide by but for right now it was a definite no.

you grunt as the weight of the books gets heavier and heavier the more you pile on. you will never get used to the weight not then, not now, not ever.

“babe what the hell are you doing?” you whip your head around and see jaehyun walking toward you, his words bringing attention to the two of you but neither of you cared.

“what am I doing?” you asked once he was standing near you. he doesn’t say anything at first and instead takes the books out of your hand.

“carrying something heavy that’s what you're doing” he holds the books with one hand by his side. “take this instead” he hands you a jacket. you hold it up to look at it fully. eyes were staring at you two from all directions, all attention was on you. you could hear whispers from every direction but you didn’t feed into it.

‘jung 07’

“you want me to wear your varsity jacket?” you ask glancing up at him.

“yes now put it on; I want you to wear it the whole day,” he says and you take the sweater you were already wearing off, putting it in your locker. you put the large jacket on, immediately getting a whiff of his cologne and conditioner, it all smelt so good. you loved the way your boyfriend smelled. the jacket was huge on you, it swallowed you up making you look adorable in his eyes.

“that’s better, you look so adorable” he smiles lovingly. he puts your books down on the ground and your about to protest but he grabs your hand and pulls you into his chest. you squeal and he chuckles bringing you in for a kiss. your heart skipped a beat right then and there, his hands were already curling around your hips. your hands went straight to his silky brown hair. you loved to play in his hair, there was something about the way it moved and shined that acquired your attention. jae loved when you played in his hair too and he didn’t hide it either.

when he laid casually in between your thighs. sometimes you massaged his scalp with the pads of your fingers. every time you did it, it made him close his eyes and every last one of his muscles relax. you both would end staying in that position for an hour or two or until you got tired and when you did he switched places with you, ending with you in between his thighs. he would do the same thing to you but sometimes he would do a little more, putting your hair into different styles, a bun, ponytail, braids, etc.

yes, you taught him everything hair related so then he could do your hair when you didn’t feel like it. jaehyun has done your hair a substantial amount of times and he was good at doing it too, it looked as if you had done it when in actuality he did. other than that he loved to practice different hairstyles on your head and you loved that.

at this moment, jaehyuns open-mouthed kisses were making you hot in a good way; you wanted- no needed a fan. his hands traveled down to your ass and in no time he gave it a tight squeeze making you let out a throaty sound.

“baby not here” you breathily say against his lips.

“I know but I can’t help it” he grunted against your mouth and pushed you up against the locker. he pins your arms above your head with one hand and grabs your chin with the other. he moves your lips against his at a faster pace.

“jaehyun” you whine out softly making him grunt. you could feel his hard-on pressing into you by now. your heartbeat was pulsing in your ears and your legs felt like they were going weak. it got harder and harder to stand as the air got thinner and thinner.

and as if on cue he pulls away for air, breathing heavily looking at you with dark, heavy, and passionate eyes.

“we should go before we’re late” he looks at your lips and back at your eyes before stepping away to bend down and grab your textbooks. your hands slide down by your sides and you breathed heavily as you stood there trying to take in what just happened.

“babe come on” he laughed as if nothing had just happened. he grabs your hand with his free one, his other hand occupied by your heavy books.

you weren’t crazy, he acted as if he didn’t just make out with you in front of an audience. you looked around and everyone was staring at you, whispering. at least they let you know you weren’t crazy, that you weren’t just daydreaming. you looked away and continued down the hall not letting the multiple pairs of eyes affect you.

once you arrived at the classroom door jaehyun gave you your books carefully and kissed you.

“i’ll see you later princess” his thumb strokes your bottom lip and he smirks.

“see you later jae” you bite your lip at him and spin on your heel. he takes the opportunity to smack your ass as your walking into the classroom. “damn jaehyun” you yelp and look back at him. he’s looking you up and down while biting his lip and rubbing his hands together before ultimately walking away. your roll your eyes playfully and going to your seat.

as you sit down your friends were already staring at you. “what?” you look at them both.

“girl your dating the captain of the basketball team, you got him showing you affection in front of everyone and even giving you his jacket. that’s a real privilege right there” mira says.

“why is that?” you ask setting your stuff down.

“nobody has ever received that jacket before or gotten a kiss, ass slap, a single touch, nothing in public until now. you must be the one or something” seongyeon says making you chuckle.

“shut up” you laugh and that conversation ends there as the teacher starts the lesson. you couldn’t help but think about it. why did you get special treatment?

you and jaehyun had kept your relationship on the low for a while; nobody knew of your relationship up until 4 days ago. you and jaehyun have been dating for a year, you were surprised by how well you both kept it hidden. but since then the school hadn’t stopped staring at or stopped whispering about you two, it was because everyone was curious as to why they hadn’t figured it out earlier and because jaehyun had never shown PDA to the previous girls he’s dated. you were the first one so of course, it was a huge deal to the school.

it started with the hug and cheek kiss jaehyun gave you at the end of the day and then it slowly progressed to more PDA and that’s how people found out.

you received glares left and right when all the girls found out but you were prepared for it. jaehyun also told you in advance not to worry about it or pay any attention and that is exactly what you did.

today was the farthest he had gone through. with the whole make-out session and jacket exchange. we’re you that special?

once class was over you picked up the heavy books and walked to your next class. you couldn’t help but turn your head to look at the group of jaehyuns friends. there was mark lee, johnny such, lee donghyuck, lee taeyong, moon taeil, kim jungwoo, kim doyoung, nakamoto yuta, dong sicheng, and jung jaehyun. it was quite a large friend group. not all of them were athletes though, they were all known for different things;

mark lee - the sweet and talkative one

johnny suh - the chill and humorous one

lee donghyuck - the overdramatic and smart one

lee taeyong - the mom of the group and softie

moon taeil - the kind and talented musician

kim jungwoo - the unique and sincere one

kim doyoung - the kind-hearted and generous one

nakamoto yuta - the soccer player and super affection one

dong sicheng - the shy and overly adorable one

and last but not least;

jung jaehyun - the basketball player and compassionate but non-affectionate one

the whole friend group seemed super cool but not many people dared to mess with them, talk to them, anything. even though everyone knew they were all sweet. it was because they all looked intimidating as hell and if you mess with one of them you were gonna get the whole team. all 10 of them.

people have tried it before though. one time this guy picked on mark and even though mark could handle his battle, the guys weren’t having it… let’s just say that guy got his ass handed to him. from that point on nobody has ever tried to mess with any of them again.

right now they were all staring at you but for what reason? you didn’t know. jaehyun wasn’t standing with them so it only made it weirder. it wasn’t like they were glaring at you, they were just looking. you mentally shrug and look forward, making your way to class.

as you sit down in your seat, you're met with glares from multiple girls and you look away thinking that they will eventually stop looking but a few minutes later when you look up again they are still looking at you.

“is there a problem?” you speak up blinking your eyes multiple times at the two girls. this was the first time you said anything to anyone since everyone found out. you know jaehyun told you to ignore it but how could you when they were staring into your soul.

“you're dating jaehyun” one of the girls state.

“sweetie I’ve been dating him for a year now, what’s your point?” she looks taken aback by your answer but continues.

“that’s my man,” she says making you roll your eyes and sigh.

“are you sitting here bitching over some dumb ass shit like this?” you say calmly with a blank expression.

“yes-“

“im gonna stop you right there. see where you fucked up was when you stared me down, called him your man, and then said yes to that question. you made yourself look entirely stupid and now you're wasting my time and your time, so how about you do me and you a favor and stop worrying about me and jaehyun.” you said looking into her eyes the whole time, your tone was calmer than the ocean and a sunny day but you all knew underneath that was a blazing fire.

the girl looked shaken up but tried to hide it. her mouth opened and closed as she tried to find words to reply with but nothing came out. you waited for a few seconds but there was nothing said. her friend looked at her and shrugged.

“this conversation is over then,” you say and pull out your phone scrolling through instagram. ‘wow that felt so good’ you thought. it felt good to finally speak up and say something. now if only you could do that same thing with the whole school. you almost shuddered at the thought. that seemed like a nightmare but maybe with the power of jaehyun and his friends you could accomplish it.. that’s if they were willing to help you.

you’ve been around them a bunch of times, only exchanging “hellos” and ”byes” because you were too shy to hold a full conversation with them, plus they were intimidating. it was the way they stared at you all at once when you walk into the room. they always stared at you for a reason you didn’t know but you never asked jaehyun why you don’t even think he ever noticed it either-

the sound of the bell knocks you out of your thoughts and you stand up, gathering your stuff. it was lunchtime, the time you got to eat and see jaehyun at the same time. it was a win-win situation. when you walk over the door you head to your locker and place the heavy books in it. the second part of the day was the best because you didn’t have to carry anything, all of the things you needed were already in the classrooms.

you close your locker and headed to the cafeteria to see your man.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

NCT Masterlist

#nakamoto yuta #nct doyoung #nct fluff #nct haechan #nct imagines #nct jaehyun #nct johnny #nct jungwoo #nct mark #nct scenarios #nct 127 #nct taeyong #nct taeil

[fairyoftbz]

Retrouvailles | l. hyunjae

💐 pairing: florist!hyunjae x fem!reader  💐 genre: cliché fluff 💐 word count: 2.6k 💐 tw: i think i swore once or twice? 💐 synopsis: you are back in your hometown after living in paris for years with your family and a special encounter won’t make you regret your decision. 💐 requested: yes from kyu! i hope you’ll like it!! 💌 💐 a/n: i am so sorry but i absolutely love writing for florist!au, i promise it’s the last one ! (of this series) constructive feedback is always appreciated!!

╰☆☆☆☆╮

Looking around you as you got off the bus, you scoffed in utter shock as this neighbourhood hadn’t changed at all, even if you left eight years ago. All the shops and cafes remained the same, just two new ones got added to the ones that you always found welcoming and cute.

You got a weird sensations when you came back from school a few years ago, your parents stopping you in the entrance and asking you to follow them in the living room. Your siblings were already there, and they all looked down, your little sister on the verge of crying. You were fourteen at this time, and you had imagined the worst.

“Mom, Dad, what’s happening?” you worriedly asked, trying to catch your older brother’s gaze, but his head remained low, a visible disappointed look on his face. “It’s a bit complicated, sweetie, but Dad found a job in Europe. We are going to receive more money and live more comfortably, but we have to follow him,” your mother tried her best to explain you the situation without hurting you, but it was to no avail. You couldn’t control the tears submerging your eyes and cried uncontrollably, your mother rushing to take you in her arms.

“When are we coming back, Mom? Are we going to keep the house? I don’t want other people to live here,” your mother soothingly rubbed your back, trying to ease your pain, and she nodded. “I don’t know baby, but your grandparents are going to live here, it’s better than the house they currently have,” you pouted as you kept on crying, your mother resting a reassuring hand on the back of your head as she drew you closer, but immediately abandoned her arms as soon as your little sister started crying, rushing to hug her instead.

The move was hard, packing all your stuff had you feeling extremely sad to leave all your memories behind, unsure about the future years. The next day, you bid farewell to all your friends, hugging them tightly as you spent your last day at school trying to find solace in your friends and classmates’ presence before leaving. You cried in your best friend’s arms right in front of your mother’s car, and waved at her until she disappeared from the rear-view mirror.

Paris was a wonderful city, not quite like in the movies, but it was still charming. French was a tough language and you kind of struggled go get yourself understood because the other students didn’t really speak your native language, but with many months that turned into years of trying, you managed to now have a decent level in the language of love.

Despite your passion and admiration for this city, creating landmarks in the surrounding neighbourhoods as well as making friends were not easy tasks. However, with the help of your siblings and your parents, you had managed to make a bunch of friends, and that did you good when you didn’t have to think too much when you were talking since you were conversing in your native language.

Your time is France was amazing, you created great memories with awesome friendships, but you couldn’t help feeling nostalgic sometimes. You missed your neighbourhood, your grandparents, and your other relatives, only being able to see and talk to them via Skype or FaceTime. Years passed, and finally, at 22 years old, you decided to let your family in France, where your siblings had already constructed things with people, and come back where you grew up, where you felt like your heart truly belonged.

The shock on your face had to be very visible since some bystanders threw you a weird look as you stood stoic in the middle of the pavement. Spontaneously walking inside the kiosk that was as old as you remembered it, you warmly greeted the owner, an elderly woman that hadn’t changed a bit. Still the same hunched shoulders, long, white hair secured in a tight bun by a flower pin, her wrinkled smile was still as warm and as wise as you knew it when you were buying sweets from her.

You exchanged a few words with her, giving you a pack of the sweets you used to buy and the prepaid card you asked for. You still had your French number, so it’d cost you a kidney if you ever decided to call your relatives with it. The old woman looked extremely happy and somewhat pleased to see you, because she admitted that she got worried when you suddenly stopped passing by and buy sweets.

“And you decided to come back, how wonderful,” she said with her shaky, warm voice while handing you what you just bought. You smiled at her and nodded, eyes slightly widening when she grabbed your wrist. “If you need anything, my husband and I will be happy to help. I’m glad to see you back by us,” she said, and you felt your heart flutter. It was truly where you belonged. “Thank you, I really appreciate it,” you answered as she winked, wishing you a great day.

The fresh air welcomed you once you got out, feeling it clear your lungs from the slight more polluted air from Paris. You opened the bag of sweets and munched on a few, feeling the memories rushing back in your mind as you started wandering around the neighbourhood. You quickly texted your cousin that you were near their house, but he was probably too busy playing video games or napping, so you decided to go grab something more consistent to eat and wandered around, walking further into different areas.

The beautiful, light colours of a shop window caught your attention, not remembering its existence when you were younger. You got near the window and observed inside, discovering a jungle of beautiful flowers arranged by species. A manly back was working behind the checkout, assembling a bouquet of what seemed to be roses. You were tempted to go inside the shop to know more about this new place, but you quickly hid from the window when the man turned around. His face looked familiar, a tingling sensation appearing in your stomach as you tried to remember him. You knew him from somewhere, you were sure of it, but you just couldn’t put your finger on it.

The young man inside the shop slightly frowned as he saw someone suddenly disappearing from the window, the hems of their long brown coat lingering in his gaze. He slightly shrugged with a smile and petted the cat at his feet, who was demanding cuddles and attention. His hands were occupied with the order he had just finished preparing and he wrapped the flowers in some brown paper craft before placing it in the back office, where all the other orders were ready to get delivered by his co-worker Juyeon. He finished his cup of now cold coffee that was forgotten on the main counter, hearing the bell above the door chime.

Much to his great disappointment, it wasn’t the young lady that vanished before his eyes, it was Juyeon’s mother, who was here to pick up flowers for his sick grandmother. Hyunjae hid his dismay behind a warm smile, quickly pacing back and forth to give her the bouquet and bank her total.

A middle-aged woman walking out of the shop looked at you from the side as you still hid, tugging on your lower lip, rummaging your mind in order to find who this man was. You were getting frustrated as you stomped the floor with your foot, getting tired of your brain playing tricks on you as you were sure that you knew this man.

“Fuck it, I’m going in,” you said as you pushed the door open, the intense smell of flowers and pollen attacking your nostrils. It smelt really nice and welcoming, but your allergies said otherwise. 

You sneezed once, twice, and one last time before you could properly greet the man in front of you. He looked as curious as you were, he must have seen you since you weren’t the best at hiding.

“Welcome to the Butterfly flower shop, how can I help you?” the voice of the man sending a nice wave of chill down your spine, feeling yourself smile at who seemed to be the owner of the shop. “Hello, I’m just going to look around for a while,” you said while gesturing to all the flowers around you, sniffling to try and hold a sneeze in, but it didn’t help at all. It actually did the exact opposite that you had wished.

Hyunjae empathically smiled as you kept on sneezing, trying his best not to vocal how cute you were when the pollen seized your entire nostrils. You apologised profusely, mentally cursing yourself for being so curious. Maybe, just maybe, you should have stayed outside and admire him from afar, you wouldn’t be embarrassing yourself just like you were doing right now. But it was so tempting, you had to take a look. He was nice enough to hand you a pack of tissues, which you gladly took with a nod.

“I’ll be in the back office for a minute, don’t hesitate to ask me if you need any help,” he said with a warm smile and you nodded, holding a tissue to your face. “I appreciate it, thank you,” you answered as you started looking around the shop. All the flowers were beautiful, it was really tempting to just buy one of each without even caring about the prices. Since this was impossible, your eyes landed on some daisies, whose petals looked really nice and healthy. You felt bad to have made your choice just a few seconds after the man left for the back office, so you decided to wait for a bit.

Yet, another bad idea. Your nose felt ticklish, no matter how hard you rubbed your finger under it, it only became worse.

“Hum excuse me?” you politely said, and the man reappeared almost instantly, close to scaring you. His whole face lit up just with a smile, and you felt your heart skip a beat at the sight. Staring at him for a few seconds, mouth slightly agape as you detailed his face, his smile and manners hitting you like a truck.

This man was none other than Hyunjae, the young boy you had a crush on during the late years of middle school, right before you left for France. He grew up so much, yet his facial features had barely changed, they only matured. His smile was the thing that made you fall for him, his personality and physical features not helping the hopeless romantic that you were. You barely talked to him when you were younger, only when you were assigned in groups with him since he always hung out with the athletes and dancers, a group that you were dying to join but never did. Hyunjae was an incredible dancer, always performing for the school team and even outside.

“Ma’am? Are you okay?” you heard his voice bringing you back to reality, feeling embarrassment invading your body as you’ve probably been staring at him for long, way too long to not be weird. “I’m-I’m sorry. Can I have a bouquet of those daisies over there, please?” you asked, and he nodded. “Sure thing,” walking around the counter, you followed him to the said daisies, the man gathering a good portion of his stock. Your eyes widened a bit but didn’t dare to say anything, only to follow him back to the counter.

“Are you from here? My usual customers are my acquaintances or the people living in the neighbourhood,” his voice trailed as he arranged the flowers, briefly looking at you with a smile before busying his hands in the plants again. “I was actually born and raised here, but I had to follow my father abroad for his job,” you said while delicately touching the petals of a peony right next to your head. Hyunjae’s hands stopped, and he looked up, eyes going wide. “You are from here? Where in the neighbourhood?” “I grew up in the house right at the corner of the street, the beige one with the burgundy wooden shutters and the garden.” “Hold on. Y/N?” his voice sounded so light-hearted as his eyebrows raised in shock. It was his turn to look at you with a surprised look on his face, his mouth stretching in a wide smile.

You offered him a smile and you fell in a comfortable silence. Thousands of questions were trotting in your head, dying to ask the other, but you were both trying to find a topic that didn’t sound too curious and invading. And it was hard because you both became suddenly very shy, your attention focusing on the flowers. It was normal for you, but Hyunjae wasn’t the type of guy to get intimidated this easily.

“So-” you both said at the same time and chuckled together, the florist gesturing you to go first. “No, no, go ahead.” “So you decided to finally come back? I understand if you missed this town, I would too,” he said and you smiled, approving his words. “I was too tired from France, plus I missed my family that stayed here. I just wanted to pay them a visit and maybe stay over until I find another place to stay on my own,” you explained while observing your former crush wrapping the flowers you had chosen. 

He secured them in the same crafted paper he did for the previous bouquet, placing it on the counter closer to you. Handing him your credit card, you stayed with your hand hanging in the void, Hyunjae typing something on the cash register. He religiously ignored your card and handed you the bouquet, giving you the brightest smile he could.

“Take this as a gift to welcome you back in town,” he said and your eyes widened, hand slowly moving away. “I can’t accept this,” you said, suddenly feeling nervous. Hyunjae encouraged you to take the flowers by placing them right under your nose with a smirk, tickling your nose. “Please do. Welcome back in town, Y/N,” he said as he noticed some fallen petals stuck on his dark green apron, wiping them away before offering you a smile. 

You took the flowers away from your face and sheepishly smiled, thanking him for his generosity.

“Thank you, really,” you said with a shy voice, struggling to look at him in the eyes. He shook his head, indicating you that it was nothing, and he cleared the counter. “Have a lovely day, Hyunjae. It was good to meet you again,” you said as you walked to the door, hand on the knob. “Wait Y/N- would you like to get some coffee sometimes? I’d love to hear about your time in France and… get to know you a bit better and make up for lost time?” His offer wasn’t something you had expected, but who were you to refuse getting closer to your former crush. 

This random encounter with him had your heart fluttering like it did when you watched him perform in front of the entire school a few years ago, when you were still a young teenager hopelessly in love. It was hammering in your chest, warmth travelling in your entire body as a radiant smile appeared on your face.

“I’d love to.” You said with a smile as you walked back to the counter, only to take the business card he was handing you. Your eyes landed on the black ink scratching the phone numbers, only to find another one messily written at the top of the small card. You thanked him and walked through the front door, waving at him with a smile as you walked away, clutching the piece of paper tightly in your palm, excited of what this reunion was going to offer you.

__

╰☆☆ Les retrouvailles nous font rappeler de vieilles histoires, mais elles consentent également à en créer de nouvelles. ☆☆╮

#oui oui baguette project #hyunjae #lee hyunjae #the boyz hyunjae #the boyz lee jaehyun #hyunjae imagines #hyunjae scenarios #lee hyunjae imagines #lee hyunjae scenarios #the boyz hyunjae scenarios #the boyz #the boyz imagines #the boyz scenarios #the boyz fluff imagines #kpop #kpop imagines #kpop scenarios #tbz #the boyz x reader #the boyz au #hyunjae x reader #tbz imagines #tbz hyunjae #tbz lee jaehyun #tbz scenarios #tbz fluff #tbz lee hyunjae #hyunjae fanfic #hyunjae au #the boyz florist au

[tundrainafrica]

Title: A Tale of Two Slaves (2/17)

Summary:  “Soulmates don’t exist. Fate doesn’t exist. Everything is a choice. At that moment, Levi could only watch as she made the choice for him.“

Reincarnation AU. Levi remembers everything from their past life. Hange doesn’t.

Note: As always, feedback is very much appreciated. 

Link to cross-postings: AO3

Other Chapters: 1 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14

"Hey! Are you alive?"

Levi's body was on fire. Another type of pain, added to the list that only grew longer and longer the more mornings he woke up to.

It was new. In the grand scheme of things though, it was routine. When Levi woke up, the pain was already fading into a distant memory. He knew it could be easily soothed with a Tylenol and a few more minutes in bed. He had to press his face harder into the pillow, focusing on the feeling of cloth and cotton on his face to get a grip on his reality. He wanted to hear that voice again but at the same time he wanted to escape that pain.

That voice was familiar. Levi was sure when he showed up for training she would be there, and he could listen to her again. He ended up adding salt to the wounds though as he remembered the last few things he had said to her the night before.

It could have been from the stress of the whole ordeal or the embarrassment of having blurted out a bunch of nonsense.

Who the hell are we escaping from? Levi had scrambled for an answer then. What came out were a string of words he wished he had never said.

“Nothing.”

“Hey, I’ve spent a lot of time talking, I wanna learn something about you too.”

“My life is none of your business.”

She had kept quiet soon after. As Levi recalled how she had offered to take him home, he only buried his face further into the pillow. A part of him thought that maybe if he deprived himself of oxygen enough, he could forget the conversation between them.

“How far is your house from here? I’ll take you home. It’s my fault you got injured anyway.”

“It’s fine.”

“You sure you’ll get home safe?”

“Why do you care? We just met. I couldn’t care less either if you got home safe or not.”

We just met. Obviously I wouldn’t care too much about her. His meager justification did nothing to placate the guilt that had taken over him, leaving him unable to move.

He remembered the face she had made before he turned away and limped home. He had thought to himself then that maybe she just wore her heart on her sleeve. Most people probably would have thought the same thing as they saw the way she bit her lip and looked away. She could have been about to cry. Levi could not help but think though that she wouldn’t. Her mental resilience is stronger than that. Levi just knew.

Either way, Levi still regretted his actions that night. He spent the next few minutes in bed gathering himself up mentally for his morning training. As he pushed himself into a sitting position and planted his feet on the floor next to his bed, he felt his knees protest at the weight. At that moment, the dull pain on his palms also made themselves known.

Of course it wouldn’t heal. How long has it been 12 hours? When injured, most of his teammates could easily skip training with little to no consequences, as long as they sent a text. Most of his teammates still showed up anyway to watch. Feeling a little guilty for having skipped training just yesterday, Levi decided to show up anyway.

It was a force of habit more than anything for Levi to throw his jacket and shorts on, grab his gym bag and hurry to the track as soon as he saw the first signs of the sun about to rise. In fact, he only realized how completely useless it was to be thirty minutes early when he was already sitting alone in the empty clubroom, entertaining himself by looking for patterns in the stains and discolored blots on the ceiling.

He considered going back to the dorm and just informing his coach on his recent injury. He had already exited the clubroom when he decided otherwise.

The track stretched out in front of him, illuminated by the dim light from the sunrise. The morning was notably cooler and Levi remembered that summer was ending soon, if it hadn’t ended yet. The days would only get colder and classes were starting next week. How long would he be able to enjoy a morning walk without having to wear an extra layer or without considering how he could fit in a shower before his next class?

Levi ignored resistance of the stitches on his knees and the stinging pain of sweat and bandages rubbing against his palms, allowing himself a slow jog around the oval. He promised himself instead to sit out the rest of the training. His coach would probably stop him anyway when he sees the state of Levi’s hands and knees.

“Levi!”

It turned out Levi was right. Time had gone faster as Levi focused on the rhythm of his breathing, the cool wind that brushed past him and the scenery that blurred past him. Also, his coach had stopped him as soon as he arrived.

“What happened to you?” Greg gave Levi a onceover before shaking his head.

“I fell while jumping on the hurdles.”

“Get that checked. I’m not allowing you to join training until you see a doctor.”

Levi looked down to see blood seeping from the white of the bandages. His stitches split open. He could barely give his coach a nod, too disappointed by being forced out of training, a little angry at Hange for indirectly causing that energy, too conflicted by his own feelings. He grabbed his phone which he had left on the table next to the track and walked away from the track.

He had to grab the gym bag he left in the club room. He made sure to take the long way back, the scenic route with more trees than people. Having just been told off by his coach, having been barred from training, Levi felt like he was taking a walk of shame and he preferred not to run into anyone else.

He checked his phone. It was six in the morning. The university clinic opened at eight. He could kill those two hours quickly in the empty clubroom while everyone was training. By the time they finished morning training, he would be on his way to the clinic.

He had plans of just lying on the bench for the next two hours, exhausting all the content in all of his social media timelines and maybe getting into some other Wikipedia or article black hole. On his way to the clubroom, he set his alarm for 7:45 that morning.

As he arrived in the clubroom though, he found himself occupied by something else.

Everyone in the club always put their stuff away in the cubbyholes to the side. There was more than enough space for everyone. Yet somehow, even with three cubby holes open, someone had decided to leave their bag half open on the floor with what looked like half its contents spilling out.

Levi gathered what had spilled out. He had the option of just dropping it into the bag leaving the problem of organizing it to the owner. His fastidiousness took over though and Levi found himself spreading out the contents of the bag and putting it into the bag in a way that would have made it take the least space in the cubby.

“Sorry. I forgot my phone in my bag.”

Levi heard footsteps and voices just outside the clubroom and it was only then was he become aware of the fact that he had invaded someone’s privacy. He hurriedly pushed the contents of the bag into the nearest cubbyhole.

His hands though were not at their strongest, still sore from the accident last night. It was at the moment the door opened did the bag fall again on the floor, its contents spilling out, more haphazardly and messily than he had found it.

He looked up at the door to see Hange and behind her, another student.

"Levi…" Hange’s mouth was turned up in a smile but her eyes were expressing otherwise.

Levi wondered what he looked like crouched down next to her bag, with its contents spread out all over the room. From the way Hange was staring at him, he guessed he could have even looked like a criminal. "I made a rule here. All bags go in the cubbyhole," Levi tried to keep an authoritative tone as he said it, maybe it could make up for the compromising position they had found him in, somehow.

"Oh my god, I'm sorry." Hange rushed beside him, carelessly gathering things into one bundle.

Levi noticed she kept herself a polite distance from him, purposefully pushing her bag into one of the cubbyholes farther away from where her bag had fallen.

"Just don't mess up the clubroom again."

Levi lay back on the bench as soon as the door closed behind him and propped his phone on his face. He could not even bring himself to even turn it on and lazily scroll through some timeline.  As he listened to the footsteps get further away, Levi closed his eyes and took a deep breath.  The rush of incomprehensible emotions had left him cold as he lost one of the few opportunities he did have to talk to her.

Why? Why couldn't I chase after her?

A part of him wanted to run after her, apologize then maybe thank her for last night.

A part of him was also just as pissed off with the chain of events. He was injured. He couldn't train. The club room was a mess. Hange had something to do with all of it.

His four years living in his own tiny island with only training and studies keeping him company had left him unable to process the strong emotions that came with human interaction.

Why does she make me so angry?

He was aware that he was abrasive and sometimes too frank. It had never bothered him then. He had always believed that it was also the other party's responsibility to handle their emotions well.  Hange had handled it better than many other people in similar positions yet...

Why do I care that it hurt her? How the hell did I say something so offensive so wrong?  In fact despite his inability to express a lot of feelings, Levi did care enough about people to check on injured teammates and help grandmas cross the street.  

He turned his phone on, deciding to occupy himself with Twitter for the next two hours. Watching people fight online was oddly calming.

                                A Tale of Two Slaves

By the time Levi made it to the university clinic, the bandages on his knees were bloody. The red buds had bloomed into adult flowers. Underneath, the stitches had to be redone, and Levi was prescribed antibiotics to prevent infection.

One of the nurses offered to go out of campus to buy it for him. Levi hid under the covers of one of the vacant beds in the nurse's office while waiting. The clinic was empty save for one nurse and one doctor with not many students living on campus just yet.

Levi found himself going through his timeline first, then articles on dreams.

By the time the doctor had checked on him, to ask him if he had plans to at least take a late lunch, Levi was in a black hole with 50 tabs open. They weren't about dreams or were they from random links he had found on his timeline.

They were all about Hange Zoe, pages worth of articles with pictures of her at varying ages. The awards varied, some were in the form of certificates, others as trophies. The girl behind them all was the same chestnut haired girl with that same overenthusiastic glint in her eyes.

Kid whiz Hange Zoe bags gold in the city wide

Governor congratulates the representative to the national Science symposium.

7 year old genius has big plans for the future.

Hange Zoe talks about future plans. "I want to test the physical limitations of the human body."

I wanna see how far we can throw, how fast we can run, how high we can jump, how high we can fly.

"Fucking stupid. Humans can't fly." Levi muttered to himself. He sat up in bed and checked the time at the corner of his phone.

3:00pm.

Afternoon training would generally start at five. He had time for a late lunch. Or dinner.

Nothing in the university was open though and the raw stitches on his knees continued to ache. Levi found himself staying in the club room two hours before training was to start, having Mcdonalds delivered instead at the doorway of the clubroom.

A few times he had heard footsteps by the door, he stood up the first two times, just to check who it had been. The clubrooms were lined up near the athletics area. All the sports teams hung around that area, he should not have been too surprised to realize that none of the foot traffic in that hour were from anyone in his team. In fact, he should not have expected that any of them would have been Hange.

Why the hell am I looking for her anyway?

Levi shifted to his side. The bench did not give him much room to roll completely and Levi found himself having to grasp at the sides to stay on the bench and avoid falling painfully on the ground and further aggravating his stitches.

With his two hands occupied, it became a choice. Either his knees or his phone was to take the impact of the ground beneath him. He chose to sacrifice his phone.

As Levi reached out to grab his phone from under the bench a few seconds later, he came across a small trinket on the floor. It was a ring was covered with purple cloth, the middle of the ring covered with some sort of web. The borders were lined with feathers, soft to his touch. Levi wondered whether the feathers were real or not.

Levi sat back on the bench and brought the keychain closer to his eyes. It turned out the ring was not covered in cloth. It was covered in threads so pressed closely to each other, from afar it had looked like one surface. He carefully traced the dark green strings that were interwoven so tightly around the purple cloth, no pattern was the same, no hole was of the same size or shape. It could have been homemade.

Who the hell left this here? Levi took a picture with his phone and sent it to the team chat.

Lost and Found.

Most had denied owning it. For a while Levi suspected that they could have been scared he would get mad. He knew he had a reputation when it came to cleaning and clutter. He was considering adding that he wasn’t angry eventually deciding against it. Would they believe him anyway?

One of the med students probs.

So it’s Hange’s?  It was an excuse to message her at least. Before Levi could even process what he did, he had searched Hange’s name on Facebook.

No account. He would have at least expected to find a profile with one or two mutual friends. They went to the same school after all. He checked the school supergroup to find that no one there was named Hange Zoe.

So she doesn’t have an account?

He looked through other groups built for their team. He looked for a medical students group, looking one by one at the profiles for a familiar face. One of the profiles had the face of the blond man who was behind Hange when they had found him that morning.

Levi had a habit of forgetting faces. The awkwardness and the embarrassment he had gone through had only made that memory more vivid in his mind. That vividness at least was the reason why he had found a lead to Hange.

Moblit Berner.

He clicked add friend and sent a picture of the keychain through chat.

Found this in the clubroom. Might be one of your friends?

It’s Hange’s.

Probably fell when her stuff got scattered on the floor.

Okay, will give it to you when you get here.

As Levi soon found out, the students were all out of campus and had no plans to visit training that afternoon at all. The main reason why they had showed up in the morning instead.

Levi scolded himself for not even bothering to learn their schedule. Maybe it could have alleviated his disappointment even a bit. Seeing no reason to be there in the clubroom anymore. Levi dropped a message in the chat, mentioning something about injuries and rest.

He wasn’t lying. His stitches were fresh. His palms hurt. More importantly. He was recovering from a painful bout of disappointment.

We’ll be there tomorrow morning though.

Ok see you there.

Levi had plans of making it up to his coach the next morning by being extra early anyway.

                              A Tale of Two Slaves

I wonder what types of titans we'll get to meet today...

It was a beautiful morning. Or possibly, it was just a relatively beautiful morning when compared to all the others where Levi had to lie in bed for an hour or so just to forget the pain and the shock of dreams he could not even remember to function.

That morning he had awoken with a burst of energy and a motivation that followed suit.

I wanna talk to Hange.

The only stopping him then was the awareness of how stupid and rash it would be to make friends just because he had such a vivid dream about them.

Section Leader Hange Zoe.

Special Squad Captain Levi .

They worked too closely in his dreams. She was constantly happy, constantly annoying. She was comfortable. She had made him feel excited, calm, annoyed, an incomprehensible and tumultuous storm of emotions. The dreams were too lifelike, realistic and vivid to have just been dreams.

Was she the reason for the painful mornings? Was she the reason Levi found himself so particularly confused around her? So abrasive? So conflicted?

Levi quickly changed into his clothes, grabbed his gym bag and rushed to the track. He did not bother to check his phone for the time anyway. The sun was rising and Moblit had said the night before. They’ll be there.

He used the walk to the track to process further the emotions that had been running through him since he remembered the dreams.

His name was Levi Ackerman. He was a soldier. They fought these giant zombie creatures. Hange managed another team but they were stationed close and that was how they had gotten close in the first place.

It felt like some sort of roleplay Levi could just easily put into words and post online. He wondered if that’s what it felt like to be a writer. Do stories come to writers and artists in dreams just like that? Levi had considered writing it all out, completely disowning that thought after he remembered he was shitty with words.

He probably would never channel those emotions into words or to art. Regardless, the determination to make sense of it was unwavering. Despite his awareness of the amount of stress he had caused her the past few days, the nagging self consciousness of having exposed that many facets of personality to someone, Levi was sure he wanted to talk to her. It was too strong. She must have felt it too. Maybe that’s why she was too friendly? Too touchy?

As Levi soon found out, she was touchy with a lot of other people. If Levi had checked his phone that morning, he would have seen that training was starting soon. With autumn coming, the nights were long and the sun was rising later.

Hange was there, by the side of the track, her arms around Elijah, one of his other teammates and fellow seniors. From where he stood, Levi could not tell if she was joking or not, but he could not help but note, he had never been the object of that playful smile she gave Moblit who stood next to her with a clipboard in hand.

“Hey Four Eyes.” Levi did not need to muster up any courage to approach her. The irritation he felt at seeing her arm around someone else, that playful smile directed at Moblit provoked him enough.

Hange’s face quickly fell as she made eye contact with him. Levi’s stomach followed suit, suddenly painfully aware of the shit he had put her through the past few days.

“Oh yeah, Levi found your dream catcher in the clubroom.”

The keychain! Levi had completely forgotten to bring it with him.

“Sorry about leaving it there. I shouldn’t have been too careless.” Hange’s smile was careful and rehearsed, a far cry from the one she gave Moblit only a while ago.

“I don’t have it with me now though since I had to rush here.” Levi was sure the excuse was understandable. A lot of his teammates were already warming up in the middle of track. “I could bring it later this afternoon?”

“Actually, we probably won’t be going back here for a while. We gotta prepare with classes starting soon and we got all the information we need anyway.” Moblit explained. “So we’re gonna invite some athletes out for an interview then work closely with them.”

“About the keychain...” Yes, the keychain. I need to meet Hange again and give it to her.

“You can give it to Elijah here.” Hange suggested. “Or maybe...Moblit? If you’re okay working with him.”

Why Moblit? My teammate, Elijah? “Wait why?” Levi’s mind was racing with questions. The shock and confusion had left him a little disconnected from his surroundings. He almost did not notice the way Hange had pulled him to the side of the track. Suddenly, it was just the two of them, on the corner, out of earshot from everyone else.

“This is probably the last time we’re gonna meet so I’ll be honest with you.” Hange took a deep breath. “I really wanted to work with you for my thesis but yeah I guess… with what happened the past few days I kinda realize maybe we just aren’t compatible and we might just end up driving each other crazy.” Hange added a small laugh to that cold and rehearsed smile she was giving him. It only added salt to the wounds she was already opening up with her speech.  “And I guess I should have noticed this before but you really don’t like me do you? I’m sorry if I couldn’t give the best first impression.”

No… I really like you. You gave a great first impression. Like always, even when Levi had wanted to say it, the words had gotten lost somewhere in its journey from mind to mouth.  

#levihan #levi ackerman #hange zoe #levi x hange

[nerdfighterwhatevernumbers]

i’m too young to be tired of being alive, right? i definitely don’t wanna die and i know a lot more people have been suicidal in their teens but idk right now i feel like ‘tired’ shouldn’t be how i feel about living in my 20s. i quit my job a couple weeks ago because i couldn’t handle it anymore and have applied to a couple new ones, but every time i look at listings i’m like. i’m just sad because so many of them seem like they’d make me feel bad all over again and it feels like that’s just gonna be my life. my whole life is gonna be working a job until i can’t handle it anymore and then quitting or moving away hoping to find something better, which i won’t because i’m not good enough for the options i only half want and can’t find anything i completely want. my whole life is gonna be not talking to people cuz i know they’ll judge me or i won’t know how to have a conversation. my whole life is gonna be nothing feeling fulfilling, cuz even today when i managed to complete a chore and got a lot of crochet done at a certain point i was like ‘this is all i did today- it has been hours and i just crocheted and watched videos’ cuz i didn’t wanna do anything else but just doing what i wanted for hours felt like a waste of time while doing what i don’t want sounds terrible. i was tired like an hour ago but i wanted to get more crochet done, so instead of going to bed at a reasonable hour like i meant to so i stop waking up at 11 i just stayed up more cuz at least i wanna do something now, idk if i’ll want to do anything in the morning. i said i wanted to make potato soup last week but haven’t had the motivation to cook again. i like baking and want to bake things a bunch cuz i also like eating a ton of sugar but i can only let myself bake so much because i wanna eat so much. my sense of time and my memory have been real weird and it’s partly because i’m no longer on a work schedule and partly because my doctor upped my meds like a week ago. idk if they’re actually giving me memory problems but they do make me dizzy for a good while in the morning. that means if i wake up at 11 and take my pill i’m out of it at least til noon.

idk how much of this feeling is quarantine. i was between jobs when i first moved but i had just started living with people instead of having lived in quarantine with the same people for almost a year. it was summer when i moved and i had air conditioning for the first time in my life, so being inside felt safe, but going outside also wasn’t terrible and it’s mostly freezing now. my old apartment had a small gym, so exercise was a way to leave the house without being freezing or boiling or going too far in a new city. here i can walk outside where it’s only just getting warm again or use my roommate’s treadmill, which keeps me in the basement with little to keep my brain occupied (even listening to podcasts, it’s the environment that feels weird. i also get sweaty and end up showering in the middle of the day which bugs me more in winter). there’s one big window that faces west in the living room so it’s way too bright if we open the curtains, but i can’t look outside for the most part. i also felt like i had a good excuse to not feel bad for not having a job. i just moved. this time, i left my job because it made me sad. there’s guilt that comes with that, and a lack of hope. 

it’s a small thing, but maybe stuff being on hiatus isn’t helping either. a lot of shows and movies got put on pause so it feels like i don’t have as much a) to keep track of time b) to look forward to. i know i feel better on mondays with ducktales back, but that’s ending in a couple weeks. tma is pretty steady, but that ends in a few weeks too. i dont keep up with timely updates on other podcasts, most youtubers i watch either don’t have a consistent upload schedule or they only upload once a month. netflix doesn’t have any incoming shows or season updates i care about. 

idk how much i can blame not being able to go anywhere, cuz where did i used to go? eating out was a nice break, but it goes back to the only things that i look forward to being things that make me fat. I didn’t go anywhere, I didn’t party, i only hung out with people if we were eating. and because i can’t think of much that i used to do before quarantine it’s like what will the end of quarantine actually do for my mental health?

i know it’ll help somewhat but idk i thought quitting my job would make me more relaxed and happy in a way i didn’t wanna leave for work again, and i feel way better, but my brain also feels like mush at least half of the time

[taeguboi]

BTS HC - Lockdown

In which each BTS member lives with y/n

I’m hoping these imagines might lighten the mood for anyone who might be feeling a bit lonely right now.

Please see the end of post first if you need some context or wish to see the notes

RM

Has good balance of me time and us time

steps back when you both need space

sitting in the back yard on some chair reading a book

taking in the sun

The restrictions don’t hinder him from making sure you both get plenty of sun and fresh air

it isn’t much but in week 1, he gave the back yard a little tidy up

turned it into a place to chill out

so there aren’t any flower planted or decor

but it makes all the difference

there’s chairs, a table and a parasol

to you, this is perfect

Spot of tea under cooler weather

or orange juice under the sun

Board games at the table in the back yard

you tried cards once out there but even just the slightest breeze...

“Goddammit!!!”

The card games are for when it rains

or for when neither of you quite feel like going out today

He swears you’re cheating at UNO

you swear he’s just really bad at it

turns out he keeps saving those wild 4 draw cards too long

which you gather over his last 3 rage quits 

because he just slings the cards, revealing them to you

“You play it too safe” you tell him

so he plays it a bit less safe

“Yes! Finally I won!”

“OH! Look at that!” you smile

he smiles back because of how proud you...

“...it’s sunny again!”

‘Goddammit y/n...’

Shopping trips together

not so helpful when the rules get stricter

“One adult at a time please...”

oh dear

who goes in?

so you go in

“Crap! Namjoon has the shopping list!”

this period of time really shows how you complete each other

pretty much every day you each think

“what would I do without him/her?”

Random talks

he tells you about this one book he read

and now you want to read it

so you do

and you can’t take your eyes off it

you find a new love for reading

so sometimes when you both need me time

you remain in the same room, just reading a book each

Every day you feel enlightened

almost sad at the thought of going back to normal life

because you won’t have as much time for yourself

Jin

Everyone is suddenly having the time to cook from scratch

imagine Jin’s frustration since he did this all along

so when certain things he usually gets aren’t in stock

“Oh for crying out loud!”

you sometimes have to calm him down when shopping

and since only 1 adult in at a time it’s like a really awkward phone call

you’re just stood outside alone like

“For Christ’s sake Jin! Calm down!”

but he makes every meal taste great anyway

“Sorry it doesn’t have the usual...”

“Jin, please!” you reply

because it’s still really yummy because

“you’re still the best cook in the world, okay?”

“Okay fine...” he sighs “Thank you”

can I just add here food is the only time you both get hysterical at each other

He still low key hoard particular ingredients when he FINALLY can get them

and you have to explain how irrational he’s being

“We don’t need SIX tubes of tomato puree!”

“Jin... How are we going to use up all THIS fruit and veg before it goes off?”

But he’s not selfish, no

if he’s in a shop and sees someone elderly, he helps them out

“Would you like me to reach that for you?”

“Do you need any toilet paper? There’s 2 packs left - here”

“Here’s my number; let me know if you need me to run any errands for you”

ahh you’re lucky to be living with such a gentleman

Daily walks in the park to feed the ducks

“This is the best kind of exercise” he tells you “...relaxed and where you can connect with nature”

some of the ducks at the beginning of the lockdown are a bit nutty

Jin may or may not be low key scared of that one goose

“I swear it’s giving me the evils”

it may or may not have chased him the second day in

“Wahhhhhh!!!”

*Jin running away in the distance*

You cooked for him that evening

“Honey, I don’t know how to put this...”

“Aw sweetie it’s okay about what happened in the park; I mean you were the one holding the bread and...”

“oh no no” he replies. “this meal is awful”

r00d

but it’s okay

you knew the minute you offered to make dinner it wasn’t going to turn out well

so you both agree the kitchen will be his space to work his magic in during lockdown

and he somehow gets better than he already is at cooking

just woowwww

foodgasm

but neither of you get podgy

Lazy exercises together

chair exercises watching the tv

small periods of jogging in the woods

“oh wow, what’s that?”

you come across some random squirrel

and all of a sudden trips to the park for that daily walk 

it turns into a nature watch

bird watching

luckily he forgets about the angry goose

Sometimes talking about what you miss

and then promising to do all of those things when everything is back to normal

so many plans

and it helps you both stay optimistic

because you just created a bunch of stuff to look forward to

Suga

Late night movie marathons

and accidentally getting into a routine of late mornings late nights

Cooking together

because neither of you want to do it

but someone has to

can’t live on instant food for all this time

Night time walks

less people, less danger

please don’t yell at me if we’re not supposed to do this in real life I haven’t actually been out that late during lockdown hahaha

it’s only around a few blocks

but deep talks, you know

There may not be much room in the back garden

but you have a ball and a hoop

basketball together

he teaches you to shoot better

“yes! I did it!”

*he hugs you from behind*

sorry that was gay

He’s actually quite chill about the whole lockdown situation

almost like he forgets the circumstances sometimes

“I think I might nip down to _____’s house today...”

“Uh, Yoongi, remember?”

“Oh yeah”

Detective series marathons too

the two of you trying to figure out whodunnit

sometimes even low key bets or light arguments if you disagree

a mildly sore loser when you’re correct

smug af when he is correct

Evenings lounging in the back yard with the drink of your choice

some quiet music on 

random hypothetical conversations and questions about life

“what if...”

“what happened to...”

“don’t you think that cloud looks like a goldfish?”

Board games that keep the brain stimulated

why is he so good at scrabble

you can’t recall a game you’ve won

but no monopoly

not after the last time

“I want a divorce!”

“We’re not married”

“Yet”

tbf you might as well be an old married couple

because there’s those films you just watch over and over

close to unlocking the power of mind reading

“want a cup of tea?”

“omg I was about to ask that”

Some days you get on each other’s nerves a little though

so you each occupy yourselves with little chores

and even though you weren’t in the mood to do anything together

you’ve just made the house look great in a day as a team

and you’ve got everything you need just in time for dinner

“I’m proud of us”

“I’m proud of us too”

J-Hope

Picnics in the back garden

much better than one in the park though

there’s no packing involved

there’s cushions

sometimes low key fine dining

your favourite is the one evening picnic the other day

you had been shopping alone for the essentials

and he wanted to surprise you

he had set up a makeshift table out of a few old crates

did the cooking

the pasta dish was lovely

there was even dessert

okay the dessert was M&S

fairy lights

seriously you swear you weren’t out for that long how did he manage all of this so fast?

wine

staring at the stars

and there were blankets too

dozing off until early hours of the morning

finally coming indoors at like 2am

sleeping in til noon oops haha

then binge watching some random show together 

and now it’s your new favourite

For some reason you have a big stock of popcorn

watching any old crap on the TV as an excuse to eat it

like there’s 3 films on this afternoon that sound shite

but you’re going to watch them all anyway

and the third one is actually really good

more popcorn more films

“we should probably go out at some point...”

whoops it’s been like 4 days now

and now it’s raining damn

fuck it, you go out anyway

dancing in the rain in an empty park

followed by shivering on the walk home

he gets in the shower first

but then runs a lovely hot bath for you

candles, bubble bath, the works

just so you can have some relaxing time to yourself

so thoughtful

lockdown doesn’t mean needing to compromise on showing you love each other

Jimin

You’re not quite sure how you got pulled into this

but Jimin decided to make use of his YouTube following

Virtual dance classes

and fun little exercise sessions for all the family

He does the dance classes solo

but he loves to flaunt you to the world even in lockdown

“Today joining me for this session... my lovely significant other, y/n!”

at first you felt uncertain and a little conscious

but thanks to Jimin your confidence grew

He helps you stay positive during a tough time

and you even feel like your self improvement has been going amazingly well

he even inspires you to make your own channel

to show the world what you love; [insert hobby/interest here]

people love the both of you

they go to Jimin’s channel to keep fit and happy

and your channel just fills them with joy

But not everything revolves around the virtual world

Care packages for all of your friends

food and other essentials get mailed to the ones that lost their jobs

and for the ones still working, a bundle of stuff for their mental well being

and a little drawing with rainbow colours in each

and a positive message

Woolly jumpers, cushions and hot chocolate

sweater paws

Sometimes in the evening you doze off

like you fall asleep just as you are

and you wake up to the smell of food and a blanket over you

Sometimes you miss your friends

and Jimin hates to see you down

so he organises a big surprise

his hands over your eyes as he walks you into the living room

“surprise!” you hear over the laptop

and then Jimin hands you some gifts 

he asked them all a few days ago to send you something meaningful

and your heart just melts

and you may or may not cry a little in front of your friends on the video call

you just have to do something in return so

You make the living room all nice whilst he’s making a video in the garden

wow you’re actually quite proud

the lighting is just right

the improv decor is actually somewhat aesthetic

“Honey, why’s it so dull in here..... Woah, what’s this?”

“Dinner’s ready” you smile

and you have a gift for him too

you can’t wipe the smile off his face when he sees it

a scrapbook of memories between you and him

which you look through after eating

“We’re going to make more memories like this once this blows over”

V

Lots of online socialising

Calls with his friends 

which you always end up being a part of in the background with your commentaries

Cute online double dates with Jimin and/or your best friend

Will try everything and anything to kill the boredom

“look what I found in the bargain bin at the supermarket!”

“Tae, I’m not really sure I’m in the mood to take up crocheting...”

but actually it turns out to be more fun that you thought

he has his little ways of making everything fun

one day you guys just find some random paints in a cupboard

and WOW

he’s so good at it

such beautiful landscapes

Makes sure that you both maintain some sort of routine

“best make sure we have an early night lovely”

“why? it’s not like there’s much to do tomorrow”

but no matter how sceptical you may be at times

he’s determined to be your sunshine

he helps you stay sane

makes everything sound productive

“because tomorrow we are going to make a playlist for when we walk, feed the ducks, go shopping, learn how to make a new dish...”

makes you a cup of tea just because

or breakfast in bed

the perfect companion

caring about even the people he can’t physically be with

“we haven’t heard from _____ in a while; we should drop a phone call or something”

but it isn’t just a phone call

it’s also a letter in the mail a few days later

plus a painting for the close friends

Dressing up really formal for a home date

3 course meal, courtesy of the microwave

then a slow dance in the living room

always the romantic

“tonight was amazing... will I see you again?”

“you are terrible Tae, you really are!”

such a joker

he keeps you smiling through it all

Jungkook

Tries to get you to go on daily jogs with him

“Can’t I just walk?”

“Come on, y/n; get those endorphins running through you!”

you try like once

*wheezing*

nope

Nintendo switch

Not that I have one welp

I can just imagine it okay

Lots of active games

thrashes you at Wii Sports Tennis

but you whoop his ass at Bowling

he does most of the shopping

so that he can go for a jog first

and also so he’s not out too often in any one day, two birds one stone and all that

Doesn’t quite always get the shopping list right….

“Jungkook?”

“Yes?”

“I wrote 1-2 bananas… You’ve brought back 12”

blames your handwriting

Small bits of banter like this keep you both sane

and he eats all those bananas in like 2 days

“What? There was no cereal in the shop”

someone teach this boy to cook please

*brings back like a crate load of instant noodles*

at least it means you’ve come up with something to pass the time

teaching Jungkook some basic meals

maybe beginning with breakfast first thing in the morning wasn’t the best idea

“Jungkook! I said keep an eye on it!”

“I did”

and he literally just watched the bacon burn instead of regularly flipping it over

bless

Singing to you whilst snuggling on the couch

bliss

meme-y dances before bed time

like you’ll be sat in bed maybe watching tv / reading

and something moves in the corner of your eye

oh my word Jungkook

*insert all the meme-y dances you have even seen him do*

the biggest dork

can’t stop laughing at his own silliness afterwards

jumps into the bed and puts his head on your shoulder

falls asleep like this quite fast

well you aren’t surprised since he’s always so energetic

Small campfires in the back garden

the best marshmallows you’ve ever had

and it’s so much fun

campfire stories

usually people have a guitar around the fire

not Jungkook though, no

*serenades you with a ukulele purposely singing out of tune*

has you in stitches

people in the neighbouring houses hear the laughter and some think it’s insensitive to be laughing so much

but seriously, if you can’t laugh, what can you do?

So I thought I’d make a post around the strange times many of us are living in. Whilst I get that some readers may not be in a situation like mine (UK) so a quick bit of context for you even though I made the location / country ambiguous in my writing. The circumstances explained in the imagines though are of course based on my experiences in England.

Right now, we are limited in what we do; only essential shops are open, (supermarkets, pharmacies, etc,) the country is being advised to go out as little as possible, (only for food shopping, medical reasons and exercise,) social gatherings aren’t allowed, our death rate has been increasing due to the virus (even our prime minister has it,) and our NHS is overwhelmed - currently more than 10,000 being treated as I’m listening to the news and writing this note. 

I hope everyone is staying safe and doing the right thing by staying indoors and maintaining social distancing.

#ps sorry some are longer imagines than others #bts #bts fiction #bts headcanons #bts headcanon #bts fic #bts imagines #bts fanfic #namjoon #rm #kim namjoon #seokjin #jin #kim seokjin #yoongi #suga #min yoongi #hoseok #jhope #jung hoseok #jimin #park jimin #bts jimin #v #bts v #taehyung #kim taehyung #jungkook #jeon jungkook #bts fluff

[avengerscompound]

The Test

The Test: A Clintasha Fanfic

Buy me a ☕ Character Pairing:  Clint Barton x Natasha Romanoff

Word Count:  3111

Rating:  M

Square filled: @clintbartonbingo​ - G1 Missing Scene

Warnings:  Sex talk, pregnancy scare, talk of past miscarriages and red room stuff, angsty, hurt/comfort

Synopsis:  When Natasha wakes up feeling nauseated, she and Clint had to face the possibility that she might be pregnant.  With the newness of their relationship and the fact that the Red Room has made it impossible for her to carry a baby to term, the three minutes it takes for the test to work are the longest of their lives.

A/N: After Natasha showed up in Rocket Raccoon with two of Clint’s kids I’ve been thinking about a story about how that happened considering in 616 Natasha can’t carry kids to term.  Now with Katie Barton showing up too, this story of finding out Nat was pregnant came to me.  I’m really happy with how it turned out.

The Test

Natasha woke completely engulfed in Clint’s arms.  That’s how it had been since she’d started her relationship back up with the archer.  It was like he was worried that during the night she’d disappear on him again and realize they weren’t meant to be together.  Not that she could blame him for that.  Their history was anything but smooth sailing but even at their worst, she had loved Clint Barton.  He was her best friend.  The only person who looked at her and saw the potential for what she could be despite her past, rather than a limited version of herself because of it.  There were often times she didn’t think she could live up to the image Clint had her, but god damn if she didn’t want to when he looked at her the way he did.  Even when he was married to someone else, or she was dating someone else, he never looked at her with anything other than the eyes of someone who truly believed in her.

They had always felt inevitable, but timing or their own messed up bullshit had gotten in the way.  This … this felt different.  Permanent.  Home.  She just hoped they didn’t mess things up again.

As much as she wanted to stay, wrapped in his well-toned arms, the bathroom called her.  She slipped out of his embrace, pushing a pillow into his arms as he reached out to the once occupied space.  She knew it wouldn’t keep him asleep for long but it would buy her some time in the shower alone before he hopped in behind her and it became about anything but getting clean.

She used the bathroom and hopped under the warm stream of the shower, letting it wash over her.  It was a rare day where she didn’t need to be somewhere doing something.  It was nice to be able to just enjoy it.  She grabbed the shampoo and squeezed some into her palm.  Something about the scent triggered her gag reflex.  She dry heaved as she rinsed the soap from her hand, and staggered out of the shower, dropping to her knees and throwing up into the toilet.

Clint appeared behind her and pulled her hair back behind her head.  “Are you okay, Nat?”

“No,” Natasha said, throwing up again as he rubbed her back.  When her stomach finally seemed to settle, she sat back and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand.  “Pizdets.  That came out of nowhere.  I can’t even remember the last time I threw up.”

Clint helped her to her feet.  “Maybe it was something you ate.  Those shrimp tacos from that dodgy-looking food truck?”

“You had three times as many as me,” Natasha argued as she got into the shower.  She used the water from the showerhead to rinse the taste of sick out of her mouth.  “Why aren’t you sick?”

Clint stripped off his clothes and took out his hearing aids, putting them on the top of the medicine cabinet.  He climbed in behind her and circled his arms around her.  “Because I’m a manly man and you’re just a tiny girl.”

Natasha elbowed him. Hard.  It made his foot slip out from under him and he pinwheeled his arms trying not to fall before Natasha caught him again.  ‘Are you trying to make me kill you?’ she signed.

“Yeah, I was regretting that as the words were leaving my mouth.”  He said a little too loudly.

Natasha let out a breath and leaned her head against his shoulder.  She wondered if it was the tacos.  She’d been feeling a little off for weeks now.  Achy and ill.  Like she was getting the flu.  She stood back and looked up at Clint.  ‘Maybe it wasn’t the tacos.  Maybe I’m getting sick,’ she signed.

“Can you even get sick?”  He asked.

She shrugged and turned away from him.  Honestly, she didn’t think so.  While the serum she had was flawed compared to Steve’s it had always kept her healthy.  Maybe it had started to run its course now.  Or maybe whatever she caught had been designed specifically to attack super-soldiers.

“Maybe you’re pregnant,” Clint teased, running his hands up Natasha’s sides.  “Let me see.”  He cupped her breasts and seemed to bounce them in his palms like he was trying to weigh them.  “They do feel bigger.”

Natasha scowled and wheeled around on him as she tried to mentally count back to when she’d last had her period.  She had never been great with birth control.  The hormonal stuff worked for a little while and then the serum would start adjusting for it, and her body physically rejected any kind of implant.  So there was just the barrier kind, and she’d remember that most of the time until things got comfortable.  Normally it didn’t matter.  The serum had made it hard for her to conceive anyway.  But not impossible.  “Don’t even joke about that!”  She snapped, not even bothering to sign it, and trusting he got the tone in her voice by lip-reading alone.

“What?”  Clint asked, a genuine look of confusion on his face.  It was hard to keep her fear and anger directed at him.  Besides, as far as he knew she was just infertile because of the Red Room.  He didn’t know the dirty details.

She huffed, jumped out of the shower, grabbed a towel and dashed to the bedroom.  She grabbed her phone and started going through her calendar to work out exactly how late she was.  Clint appeared in the doorway, still dripping water, with a towel wrapped low on his hips as he put his hearing-aids back in.  “What did I say, Nat?”

“Pregnant, Clint!”  Natasha shouted.  “I think I’m pregnant!”

Clint just stared at her with his mouth opening and closing like a fish.  “What?  What?  What do you mean, Nat?  You said you couldn’t?”

She dropped her gaze.  “No,” she said.  “I can.  I have been before.”

“What?”  Clint said.  “Nat!  You said!  I would have been more careful!”

“I know, Clint!”  She cursed under her breath.  Just a string of random nonsensical swearing in various different languages, including Latin.

While Natasha was trying to figure out how exactly to explain to him how she’d fucked up, Clint’s face seemed to go through a whole emotional journey.  Like he was experiencing the five stages of grief all at once but instead of settling on acceptance, he settled on a hopeful optimism.  He moved to Natasha quickly and kneeled on the ground in front of her.

“But this is good,” Clint said, taking her hands in his.  “Nat, if you are… you get to be a mom like you wanted.  That’s good isn’t it?”

Natasha felt a very unfamiliar sensation in her eyes.  Was she about to cry?  Was Clint’s hopeful little puppy face about getting to have kids with her going to make her cry?  She rubbed her eyes in frustration and shook her head.  “You don’t understand, Clint.”

“Is it me?  You don’t want to have kids with me?”  He dropped his hands and flopped back onto his butt.  Lucky seemed to sense something was up with his favorite human being and he padded over and flopped down directly in Clint’s lap.  “Of course you don’t.  Why would you?  I’m a fucking mess.  I’m sorry, Nat.  If you… I dunno… want to …”  He shook his head and shrugged.  “...alone.  Or whatever.”

“Oh, you idiot bird,” Natasha said, kneeling on the ground in front of him and cradling his jaw.  “I love you so much.  Of course, I would want to have kids with you.  If anyone it would be you.  It was always you.”

“Then what is it, Nat?”  Clint asked.  “Shouldn’t you be excited?”

“There are so many things, Clint,” she said, looking down again.  “We’ve only just gotten back together.  Our lives.  But most of all…”  She stopped and let out a shuddering breath.  Clint looked at her with both fear and hope written all over his features and she was about to break his heart, the same way hers broke every time she thought about this.  “Clint, it’s not that I can’t get pregnant.  I can’t carry to term.  The serum makes the pregnancies non-viable.”

“Oh,” Clint said.  The sound almost like he’d been punched in the stomach.  “Oh,” he repeated.  He leaned forward pressing his forehead against hers.  “Has this happened before?”

Natasha sucked in air suddenly and two tears escaped her eyes.  She turned her head away from him.  He couldn’t see her weak like this.  She couldn’t be weak like this.  Not in front of Clint.  Not when he looked at her like the way he did.

He reacted quickly, shoving Lucky off his lap and pulling her into it.  His hands bunched in her hair and he kissed her.  The kiss was everything she needed it to be.  Strong and reassuring.  Loving and tender.  She knew exactly what he was thinking as he kissed her.  It was going to be okay.  Whatever happened, good or bad, they were together and it was going to be okay.

When he broke the kiss he kept her wrapped tightly in his arms.  “Maybe we’re getting ahead of ourselves, Nat.  When was the last time you had your … you know?”

Natasha pulled back from him and got back up, retying the towel around her.  “My period?”  She asked, and Clint nodded enthusiastically.  “Good god, Clint.  You want to have a baby with me and you can’t even say the word period?  What if this works and it’s a girl, and I die, and you have to tell her about periods?”

Clint started laughing as he got up.  “That is really getting ahead of yourself, Nat,” Clint said and when the scowl didn’t leave her face, he shook his head and looked into her eyes.  “If we do end up having a daughter together, I promise I’ll practice saying period.”  He sat down on the side of the bed and patted the space beside him.  Natasha moved up next to him and put her head on his shoulder.  “But when was it?”

“I’m not sure exactly.  It tends to be erratic.  They really did a number on my reproductive system.  But I’d say around two months ago.  Give or take a couple of weeks.”

Clint patted her leg and got up and started pulling on the dirty clothes he had scattered around the room.  “I’ll go buy some tests.  Okay?  Then we’ll know and we can work out what to do from there.”

Natasha watched as he hurriedly got dressed and Lucky seemed to be determined to try and trip him over.  “Clint?”  She said quietly.

“Yeah, Nat?”  He said as he pulled on his shoe.

“You’d be a good father, you know?”  She said.

Clint came over and kissed her forehead.  “Thanks, Nat.  You’d be a great mom.”

“I’m really scared.”  She whispered.

“That’s okay,” he whispered.  “It’s scary.”

She caressed his cheek with her thumb and flopped back on the bed, staring at the ceiling.  “I’ll be right back.”  He said and whistled for Lucky.  The mutt trotted after him as he headed out the door.

Natasha was still lying staring at the ceiling when Clint burst back through the door.  She hadn’t moved at all since he’d left.  She had just stayed lying there, wrapped in her towel with her legs hanging over the end of the bed.  The only difference between when Clint left and when he arrived was Liho was now curled up on her chest.

“Nat?”  He said softly.  “Are you dead?”

“I wish I was dead.”  She replied.

He sat down beside her and gave Liho a scratch on the head.  “I got you some presents.  Look.”

She sat up, putting a disgruntled Liho on her pillow, and looked in the plastic CVS bag he was holding open.  Inside was some Hershey’s Kisses, a Pez Dispenser in the shape of Ariel from the Little Mermaid, a bottle of strawberry lemonade, a small remote-controlled car, and the pregnancy tests.

“You bought all this for me?”  Natasha asked, looking up into the blue of Clint’s eyes.

Clint nodded and kissed her forehead.  Her eyes glistened with tears again and Clint's heart ached for her.  He knew how she felt about looking this weak, even in front of him.  He wished he knew the right words to say to make her realize she could do this.

“I love you, dummy.”  She whispered.

“I love you too, Nat.”

Natasha sighed and pulled out the tests.  “I better do this then.”

Clint sat on the edge of the bed and waited for Natasha to come back out of the bathroom. He pulled the remote-controlled car from the box and set it up.  When Natasha returned, she sat down next to him and put the tester on the bedside table.  Clint handed her the car’s remote.

“What do we do if it's positive?”  Natasha asked.  Her voice was hollow like she had lost the ability to emote over this anymore.  She started driving the car and immediately hit the dresser, knocking one of the wheels out of alignment.  Clint got up and picked it up.  He grabbed the multi-tool he kept on the dresser for when he wanted to mess around with his custom arrowheads and came and sat back down while he attempted to fix the small car.

“I don't know, Nat,” he said, frowning.  “What do you want to do?”

“I just -” she let out a breath and leaned over to watch what Clint was doing.  He wasn't entirely sure himself, but he'd taken off the whole base and was trying to straighten up the wheel.  “I hate how the Red Room still has this control over me.  I want to be a mother.  And I can't imagine anyone else being the person I have kids with except you.  But they've taken that from me.  This will just go like it did last time.  I'll get excited about it. Start buying baby things.  And one day I'll wake up in a huge pool of blood and it will be gone.  I can't go through that again, Clint.  It'll destroy me.”

Clint put the car back together and put it on the ground without saying anything.  Natasha pressed on the controls and the car did a donut and spun off under the bed.  Lucky barked at it and crouched with his head under the bed, his tail wagging like a helicopter blade.  “I’ve been through that too, you know?”

Natasha turned her head to face him.  “What?”

Clint nodded and fiddled with his fingers.  “Bobbi.  It wasn’t planned.  Like now.  But damn if we weren’t excited about it.  She didn’t make it very far into it before we lost it, so we never told anyone it happened.  Didn’t want the sad looks and asking if we were over it yet.  It hurt.  Bad.  But you move on.  There’s not a lot of choice.  Whatever happens, if you want to try to go ahead with it, I’ll be here.  If you do end up losing it.  I’ll be here.  If you really think you can’t go ahead with the pregnancy… for whatever reason… I’ll be here, Nat.”

Natasha rubbed her cheek against his shoulder and he wrapped his arm around her, holding her close.  “What if it does work out?  I want to be a mother more than anything, but are we really ready for that, Clint?  How would that even work?  What if all that happens is we end up breaking up and raising this kid who just hates us for never being there because there’s always Avengers stuff?”

Clint shrugged and reached under the bed.  He pulled the car back out and took the control from Natasha and started to drive the car in figures of eight around the bedroom floor while Lucky both chased it and ran from it.  “Now?  Later?  What difference does it make, Nat?  We’ll never be ready.  Not really.  But I love you and I want… all of that with you.  We can work it out.  Even when we weren’t together, it’s always been you and me.”

Natasha put her foot out and the car banged into it.  Lucky pounced on it and flipped it onto it’s back.  They both started laughing and Clint pulled Natasha into his arms.

“We’ve never talked about any of this before.  Family.  Children.  Not even marriage.  You married Bobbi but you never even brought that up with me.”  Natasha said.

“Bobbi asked me,” Clint said.  “In fact, Bobbi asked me, took me to Vegas and booked a cabin in the mountains with a spa, so we were married and on our honeymoon within a week of her saying she even liked me like that.  The first day I met you, I was in love with you.  I would have married you right then and there.  But I know you, Nat.  That’s never been you.  You want to get married?”

You smiled and nosed at his cheek.  “Maybe. To you.”  She let out a sigh and wrapped her arm around his waist.  “I hate the can still hurt me.  I’ve been away from them for years and they can still make me cry.  I don’t cry, Clint.”

“I know, Nat.”  He said gently.  “You’re my strong and emotionless girlfriend who I love very much.”

“Has it been long enough?”  Natasha asked.

Clint picked up the test and looked at it.  There were two indicator windows, a really small one with a single vertical line running through it and a much larger one that had what looked like a big bright pink plus.  His heart skipped and for a second he forgot how to breathe.  Positive.  The test was positive.  Natasha was pregnant and maybe she’d end up losing it, but right now she was pregnant with his baby and he was the happiest he had ever been in his entire life.

“Positive.”  He said, keeping his voice neutral, in the hope that how happy he felt wouldn’t put pressure on her to do something she didn’t want to.

Natasha looked up at him and slowly her face broke in a smile.  “We’re parents, Clint.”

Clint grinned and leaned in and kissed her, cradling her jaw in his large hands.  Maybe it would go the way it had for both of them in the past.  Maybe they’d have to work through their grief together in the broken, fucked up way they both dealt with things like that.  But right now, at this very moment, they were parents and nothing, not even the Red Room could take that from them.

#clintbartonbingo2019 #clint barton #natasha romanoff #clintasha #clint barton x natasha romanoff #hawkeye #black widow #hawkeye fanfic #black widow fanfic #fanfic #fanfiction #pregnancy #angst #the test

[holidaywishes]

All Roads Lead To You III

Part 3: The Island

  Summary of series: JJ took a job at the old Samson Estate – mostly mowing lawns, cleaning Mr. Samson’s yacht and serving at his dinner parties – for the sole purpose of distracting himself from the fact that he seemed to be the only one left from the crew. Sarah and John B. were still “lost at sea” after almost a year and Pope and Kie were… well, they were becoming Pope and Kie, so he needed something to occupy his time. When a new girl comes to town, JJ thinks it’s the perfect way to let off some steam but it may be more difficult than he anticipated.

  Summary of chapter: Everyone gets “stranded” on an island for Alexis’ birthday.  

  Warning: trigger warning for talk of abuse and alcholism, catcalling? Inappropriate flirting?, fighting, getting some hints of romance yay

   Author’s Note: Hello, lovely humans, I’m feeling rejuvenated after watching the Leafs vs Habs game Tuesday night and I wanted to continue writing this series. For those that are reading this little series, I hope you’re enjoying it and that you continue to enjoy it.

  masterlist

  the other masterlist

xx

JJ’s P.O.V.

  After Addy had called you out on lying about teaching her cousin how to surf, you tried to think of a way to tell Alexis that you two had to come up with a new plan.

  “ALEXIS!” you shouted when you finally found Alexis, “where have you been? we need to talk...”

  “What’s going on?” she scoffed as you dragged her to the side of the house, pulling her arm away and furrowing her brow at you

  “She knows.” you stated and waited for Alexis to catch on

  “Who knows what?” she answered mindlessly

  “Your cousin. She knows we’re lying. She knows I’m not teaching you how to surf”

  “What makes you think that?”

  “She wants to see how much progress you’ve made. At your birthday party.”

  “What?” she said, leading you to roll your eyes

  “She went on and on about how your parents would get you anything you wanted, including Gold Medal surf instructors, and how both your families were from Old Money--”

  “She said that?”

  “Can you focus for a second?”

  “Fine whatever, continue” she scoffed

  “I had to tell her that you were keeping it a secret from your parents until you could get better. So, now, she’s invited me to this... party for you so I can be there to show her how good you’ve gotten...”

  “WHAT?!” she yelled before you shushed her, “why would you tell her that? Why would you tell her anything? Why were you even talking to her?”

  “She was talking to me, I didn’t want to be rude. Her dad is my boss you know?”

  “Shit” she whispered the same way you had when Addy had left the room after inviting you to the party

  “What are you gonna do?” you asked, stepping back

  “Me? No no no, you’re in this now. You’ve been invited to the party. We’ll have to.. tell her. The truth.”

  “I can’t lose this job”

  “Uncle Ben isn’t going to fire you,” she sighed, “not because of this anyway.”

  “What does th--”

  “Maybe she’ll back down if we paddle board to start with...” she interrupted, “maybe we can trick her into thinking that we’d already gone surfing?”

  “How?” you groaned

  “Switch boards whenever she sees us in the water?” she shrugged

  “This is stupid. Just tell her.”

  “This is your fault. I can’t believe you couldn’t keep this secret for one day!”

  “My fault?” you scoffed, watching her emphatically nod her head at you, “this is your lie!”

  “Alexis!” the two of you whipped your head around when you heard her mom call for her, “time for dinner sweetheart. Where are you?”

  “I have to go.” she stated

  “You better figure this out before tomorrow!” you called after her and she shook her head as she continued to run toward her mother’s voice. You knew she wasn’t going to tell her cousin but you weren’t going to either, so at this point it was just going to be a game of chicken.

xx

Alexis’ P.O.V.

  You hadn’t gotten a lot of sleep last night as you tried to think of a way to get out of telling Addy that you weren’t learning how to surf. Every time an idea came to mind, you’d just picture her face and her voice breaking as she told you she ‘couldn’t believe you lied’ to her. Nothing you could think up didn’t end with her being upset with you, but JJ had said she already knew so maybe it wasn’t as upset as you thought.

  “Lexi!” you heard your cousin yell as she walked through the front door of your house, “Happy 18th Birthday, Lady! You ready to go?” she called from the stairs

  “Go?” you questioned, popping out of your room just before she got there, “its like 9am”

  “We have a bunch of stuff to get sorted before we get on the Yacht” she answered with a smile

  “Like..?”

  “We have to set up all the tents.” she replied, simply, before turning on her heels and walking back toward the staircase, “hurry up. Brody is meeting us up at the dock.”

  “Brody?” you questioned, following after her as she skipped downstairs, “like Brody Langford? When did you see him? Why did you see him?”

  “I went down to the dock to see if anyone knew of somewhere we could camp. Rafe Cameron is coming by the way?” she said plainly, “so I hope you’re okay with that.. he said he knew you, he gave me the idea for this island... it was a whole thing. Anyway, as I was leaving to come back home, I bumped into Brody and told him he should meet us at the dock before we get on the Yacht.”

  “You’re just inviting everyone aren’t you?” you scoffed, crossing your arms as you stopped by the door frame, “Rafe, Brody, JJ...”

  “Are you mad?” she asked, “I honestly thought you would’ve already invited JJ...”

  “Why would you think that? Because you think there has to be something going on between us?” you sneered

  “Whoa calm down,” she replied calmly, stepping toward you, “I just meant I thought you guys were friends and that you’d invited him because you wanted your friends there. That’s it.”

  “Oh,” you corrected, relaxing your posture as you did so, “I don’t know if we’re really friends... I should tell you actually. He’s --”

  “Not teaching you how to surf?” she interrupted and you shook your head, making Addy laugh softly, “I know, Lex. Why did you lie though? Did you think I would care?”

  “Honestly? It’s going to sound so dumb”

  “Well now you have to tell me!” she laughed, continuing to the car

  “I just wanted to have something on you. You’re so... everyone loves you. Without you even having to try and I just wanted to have something that you didn’t. Like being a good surfer.”

  “Lexi...” she cooed, tilting her head sympathetically at you, “It just looks like people love me. But I promise, it’s only here. And it’s only because I’m new. They don’t know me. For some reason, that makes me mysterious to them...”

  “I think it’s more than that” you said, looking down at your lap while your cousin backed out of the driveway

  “What can I do to prove it?” she finally said, “that they just think I’m a mystery and that’s it’s not the same in New York?”

  “Tell me the truth why you left...” you said under your breath, hoping she didn’t hear. Addy’s departure from OBX had left Figure 8 with a lot of questions. The story was that she had been accepted into a prestigious boarding school that was letting her start mid-semester so she had to leave right away but that didn’t stop everyone from speculating.

  Was she a problem child? Could her parents not handle her? Was the family giving up the Estate and moving to New York and wanted to give Adelaide a chance to settle in before they got there? Did her parents put her in an institution? Was she crazy? Or was she just going to visit her aunt for the summer?

  Even within the family, the questions were never answered and her parents really didn’t have a lot of contact with her, which only fueled rumours of her being in a mental institution. You were the closest person to her and, still, you got the textbook Boarding School story that you could tell she’d rehearsed a million times before. You wanted to know why she left. You knew there had to be more to the story than a boarding school. When she didn’t reply to you, you took that as her not hearing you

  “Tell me why you left,” you repeated, “the truth, Addy.” You saw her let out a deep sigh before pulling into an empty parking lot. She turned off the engine and turned her body to face you, pursing her lips side to side as she thought about how to start

  “It’s complicated” she started

  “I don’t ca--”

  “So I need you to not interrupt. If you have questions,” she interrupted you, “I’ll understand but I need to get through everything before you ask any questions okay?” she asked and you nodded in return. “You remember how clumsy and... hyper I was as a kid right? Both of us, hell, all of us kids were like that. Always running around, often breaking things in our wake.” The two of you laughed but hers trailed off quickly before she had to clear her throat, “you remember Uncle Mike? How drunk he would get? How violent he could get?” A million thoughts were running through your head as she spoke but you could only nod as she spoke, “At one of our block parties, you had gotten sick from too many clams or something and went home, so I was the only kid left with a bunch of adults laughing at some golf jokes I didn’t find funny. So.. naturally, I tried to find ways to entertain myself. A lot of that involved me running around the Estate with balloons or blowing bubbles, or whatever kids do. While I was running around, I bumped into Uncle Mike, when he was already pretty drunk, and he dropped the bottle of beer he was holding. I went inside to grab the dust pan and some gloves to pick it up -- like mom and dad taught me --” she stopped just long enough for the two of you to raise your eyebrows at each other, since you both knew what she was talking about, “anyway, he followed me inside and started yelling at me. With this half broken glass bottle in his hand just pointing at me and I started crying, which seemed to only make him angrier. I called for my Dad, but he didn’t hear me, so I started to run to find them but Uncle Mike kind of grabbed my arm and I fell back... into the jagged edges of the bottle.” Your eyes went wide and your mouth dropped. Surely she was just exaggerating. He never hurt her. Your family would’ve said something so that no one else would get hurt. You wanted to ask but you were keeping them until the end, like she’d asked, “Mom and Dad finally found me, and I was losing a lot of blood. Really quickly. So they drove me to the hospital. After that, I didn’t really see Uncle Mike again. None of us did.” There was a long pause and you thought she was finished

  “But I remember that Block Party, you were still here after that. You were gone the next summer...” you furrowed your brow and she scowled slightly as if to tell you she wasn’t finished

  “Even though, he wasn’t around and I was fine, healed and all that. I kept having nightmares. Thinking that he was just going to show up again in a rage. I stopped sleeping. I missed a lot of classes because I was too exhausted to pay attention. So, my parents decided they’d send me to a shrink in New York. And I went.”

  “But you never came back. They didn’t go with you.” you stated

  “Alexis...” she sighed

  “I know, I’m sorry” you replied, gesturing for her to continue

  “It was only supposed to be a couple visits. They’d fly me out, I’d stay with Aunt Sally and they’d fly me back. But the shrink said that a lot of my fear came from knowing that the island is so small that Uncle Mike could still get to me if I was alone. So, the shrink suggested I move to the city permanently and that it would be best if mom and dad came as well. But they didn’t. Dad made some claim to Aunt Sally that the Estate needed someone from the family, from the Samson name, to take care of it or else it would fall apart. Mom... she wasn’t going to leave her husband. So, they let me leave. They let me stay away from all of this,” she gestured around her, “and then they stopped calling. Writing. They wanted me to get better but I could tell that it was like a ‘stain on the name.’ Like somehow, I had embarrassed them.”

  “Can I..?” you started, gauging if she was finished and she nodded, “I don’t want to sound... How do I know that you’re not over exaggerating? That you didn’t just trip and go into the hospital for something else but you’re remembering it differently?” she smiled at you and you realized she’d expected this question for you. She turned around and lifted her shirt up, revealing a curved scar on her hip from where the glass had punctured her skin.

  “Nothing was damaged. No organs or arteries or blood vessels. But I’ll have this scar forever to remind me that our Uncle was a mean, nasty drunk.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Honestly? It seemed so trivial.” she admitted and you tilted your head, “as far as I knew, Uncle Mike was gone. He wasn’t around anyone in the family. My dad had banned him from our property and it was his own brother, so that said something for my dad to do that. I just... I didn’t think you needed to worry if you weren’t in danger. I had made a life for myself in New York and my parents were trying to keep their reputation clean, you know?”

  “But wasn’t this like an isolated thing?” you asked and she sighed, letting her shirt fall back down as she turned back to face you

  “Sort of. This was an accident brought on by his alcohol abuse. He was a drunk and he was bound to hurt someone again, which is why my parents sent him to rehab. And that apparently didn’t take...” she dropped her head, “I should’ve told you and I’m sorry I didn’t. But now you know..” You leaned in to hug her and she hugged you back, letting out a scoff, “are we ready to go now?”

  “Yes” you exclaimed, wiping a tear that had begun to fall from your eye and the two of you continued to the dock. You thought that she might consider staying in OBX know that you knew what had happened all those years ago because she seemed happy here. Happier than you’d seen her in a while. And you just wanted your favourite cousin back.

xx

Addy’s P.O.V

  Telling Alexis about your Uncle felt better than you’d expected but you could tell she thought this had changed your mind. It hadn’t. You couldn’t stay here. New York was home. OBX was... family. It didn’t matter how much you loved your cousin, your history with this place made you weary of staying for too long.

  “Thought you weren’t going to make it!” Brody called as you and Alexis exited your car, “if we want to set everything up and get back here in time, we gotta book..”

  “Get the boat ready!” you smiled as you yelled to him, running toward the boat with Alexis on your heels

  “Brody,” she said, outstretching her hand jokingly as you got on the boat, “good to see you again...” He laughed at the interaction and Alexis broke her seriousness before they both got on the boat and Brody sailed the three of you to the Island.

  “So, everything is out there. We just have to set them up. Can you two manage that?” he joked

  “We’ll figure it out” you laughed. Shortly after, you’d made it to the Island and, you had to hand it to Rafe, it was the perfect spot to get away from the crowds. You took in all the tents that Brody had managed to space out perfectly along the island; leaving just enough space for a bonfire to be the centre of all the tents.

  “Well holy shit,” Alexis said with exasperation, “how many people are coming?” You laughed as she looked around the island at all the tents the three of you began to set up

  “Everyone is coming. I invited everyone. We invited everyone,” you gestured between you and her before going back to setting up the tent in front of you, “look, your mom gave me a guest list and you gave me a guest list. I wasn’t sure how many of the ‘country clubbers’ were gonna stay, so I just got enough tents that everyone would have somewhere to sleep.”

  “That’s nice of you” she laughed and you smiled to yourself

  “Alright. Very cute. Very nice. But now we have to rush to finish everything before your parents expect you, both, on the Yacht” Brody chided while you and Alexis mocked him when he turned his back, laughing when you caught the other teasing him. A few hours later, the tents were set up and Brody took you and Alexis back so you could grab everything you needed for the weekend before you’d meet back up.

  “See you on the Yacht” Alexis joked to Brody

  “See you there.” He laughed and waved goodbye as the two of you ran toward your car

xx

JJ’s P.O.V.

  You got asked, like you knew you would, to come along with Mr. Samson to hand out hors d’œvres to Alexis’ guests and you obliged. It didn’t take long for you to realize what Addy was talking about

  “Once you have one, you’ll realize how truly overindulgent and pointless they are.” Her words about Yacht parties ran through your mind as you watched the Kooks drink entire bottles of Champagne or leave half empty bottles around the Yacht while completely ignoring your existence.

  “Having fun?” Pope asked from behind you

  “What are you doing here?” you asked, shocked to see your friend there

  “Working, like you.” He replied and you rolled your eyes before making your rounds again, “JJ, we have to talk.” He added but you tried to ignore him, “Kie and I don’t want you to distance yourself from us. We love you. We’re worried about you.”

  “Leave it alone, Pope.” You groaned as Kook after Kook emptied both yours and Pope’s trays

  “We have to talk at some point. Why are you still clinging to the idea that he’s still alive? Have you heard something from him?”

  “No, Pope. I haven’t.” You sneered, turning to him quickly as you went to refill the tray, “I just don’t think it’s right to give up on him. He wouldn’t give up on us.”

  “Maybe he would.” He replied and you scoffed, brushing him off. You stood back from the guests, deciding not to walk around with the hors d’œvres for a bit until you saw Addy at the Bow, someone familiar hanging around her

  “Hors d’œvre?” you asked, presenting the tray in front of her and she laughed

  “Thanks Pogue” Rafe smiled sarcastically at you and you had to physically bite your tongue to restrain yourself, while Addy looked up at him and back at you

  “What is it?” she asked, forcing you to stop glaring at Rafe long enough to answer her

  “Crab Puffs, I think,” you answered, just as she was about to take one, “no sorry. Shrimp Puffs”

  “Oh,” she giggled, “I can’t. I’m allergic.”

  “Are you trying to kill her?!” Rafe yelled

  “What?” you and Addy said to him

  “Calm down,” she added, “it was just a small mistake. No one’s trying to kill anyone.”

  “How could you not know what you’re serving?!” Rafe continued to yell, causing enough of a scene that Mr. Samson made his way over to the three of you

  “What is going on here?” he said sharply

  “Mr. Samson, I--”

  “He tried to kill your daughter!”

  “What?” Mr. Samson gasped, furrowing his brows at Rafe’s statement

  “Stop!” Addy said, “nothing happened. Just something with the hors d’œvres, not a big deal.” He picked one of the Shrimp Puffs up and lifted it up to his nose to smell it

  “Shrimp?!” he raised his voice slightly, “take these back! We’ll talk about this later.” You nodded at his response and made your way into the small kitchen space where the food was.

  “JJ!” you heard Addy call to you, “wait! I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get you in trouble. Rafe shouldn’t h--”

  “You need to stay away from him.” You stated plainly, turning your body quickly to face her, your bodies meeting instantly and you could feel her breath on your exposed skin, “he’s not who you think he is.”

  “And who is it I think he is?” she asked, stepping away from you

  “A good guy?”

  “Did I say that?” she said, raising her eyebrow at you

  “I just assumed, because you were hanging around him..?”

  “He was hanging around me. I haven’t been able to shake him since he boarded. Believe me, I’ve been trying.” she scoffed, “look, I’ll talk to my dad about the shrimp. He shouldn’t have gotten so upset. It could’ve happened to anyone.” Just then, someone clinked their glass and speeches began, “I should.. go out there. Find Alexis you know” she smiled at you as she skipped onto the deck, stopping at the door frame and you returned her smile with a bright one of your own. “See you around” she said and you dropped your eyes to the ground, trying to hide your smile that hadn’t seem to go away just yet.

  “Our little Alexis is all grown up. 18! It seems like just yesterday, you and little Adelaide were climbing the trees in the backyard while your father and I were terrified that you’d fall.” Alexis’ mom spoke to the crowd, reminiscing on her daughter’s childhood. Bringing up stories from every year of her life, something you’d never be able to hear your dad do for you, “Adelaide, Addy, sweetie, we’re so glad you were able to come back for Lexi’s 18th birthday. You’re her favourite cousin. Her ride or die,” Alexis’ mom pointed at the two of them, so they could finish whatever joke they shared

  “‘Til the end of time” you heard them return, giggling between themselves and Mrs. Carter continued with her speech, while you handed out Champagne flutes to the guests before she finished.

  “JJ!” Pope whispered, you had almost forgotten he was there and you jumped at his voice beside you, “talk to me.”

  “Not now, Pope.” The two of you finished handing out glasses and made your way away from the crowd, where the other staff stood. You watched as Addy laughed with her cousin, sipping on the Champagne that she’d been given, and you realized that Alexis was right. You were falling for her. But you knew there was no way a girl like her could ever feel the same.

xx

Addy’s P.O.V.

  You watched as Alexis was showered with love from the country clubbers and her family’s friends that her mom insisted you invite. As the night drug on, it was clear to you that you didn’t belong here, in this world; ever more so evident when your dad had yelled at JJ for accidentally almost giving you shrimp. After you’d told JJ that you’d talk to your dad about it, his face seemed to soften toward you, more than it had in the short time he’d known you and you found yourself thinking about his shy smile. The party was winding down and the Yacht was making it’s way to The Island, so everyone began gathering what they needed and more or less threw it in the staff’s direction. You scoffed at their rudeness and asked if there was anything you could do to help as you organized the bags into a neater pile. They shook their heads as the boat docked and everyone exited hastily; you looked around to find Alexis, catching JJ’s eyes briefly before he looked away.

  “I think everyone’s really drunk,” Alexis said, watching everyone rush to find tents, “maybe we shouldn’t have a fire...”

  “If everyone sits down, maybe they’ll sober up.” You replied, knowing it wouldn’t work out that smoothly but wanting to help Alexis have a good birthday. As people popped in and out of their tents, you found a seat in front of the bonfire that Brody was slowly building

  “How do you think it’s turning out?” he asked you

  “I didn’t think the adults would let the kids drink so much” you laughed, looking at the drunk teenagers who began to sit on the logs in the sand

  “They probably didn’t know, or care” he smiled. It didn’t take long until the entire group had gathered around the fire and Alexis made a toast with a bottle of beer she had gotten from a cooler you didn’t even know was there.

  “Thank you all for coming out and celebrating my 18th birthday with me. Thank you to my beautiful cousin who came all the way from New York City to plan this for me. I don’t care what you all do the rest of the night or the weekend, just know that we’re stranded here until the adults come back. Keep that in mind before you do anything stupid.” You could hear the alcohol beginning to affect her as her words began to connect to each other and she fumbled when she sat down.

  “I don’t think she’s going to make it very long,” Brody whispered to you as he leaned in, “maybe we should put her in her tent so she can lie down?”

  “I’d rather keep her out here. Where I can watch her.” you added and Brody shrugged, straightening his posture. The night consisted of the kids yelling and drinking and settling enough for someone to play a few chords on a guitar.

  “It’s been so long since you were here, Addy,” Brody said, the few beers he had causing his speech to slur and he moved closer to you, “why did you leave in the first place?”

  “School. You know that Brody...” you said plainly, scooting to the side in an attempt to distance yourself from him

  “But you could’ve come back to visit us in the summer...” he crowded your space once more, “we all missed you..”

  “This guy bothering you, Addy?” You looked up to find Rafe in front of you with his arms crossed and you shook your head, not wanting anything more to come from it but that didn’t stop Brody from arguing

  “Aww, Cameron thinks he’s a tough guy. Or a good guy,” Brody taunted, “too bad he’s neither.” Rafe clenched his jaw before pushing Brody back and you decided it was time to take your cousin to her tent and call it a night. You thought you saw JJ out of the corner of your eye but you couldn’t be sure that he even got off the Yacht in the first place, so you just let it be.

  “See, I told you,” she mumbled, “everyone loves you. They’ll all fight over you and you don’t even have to do anything to get them to do it..” You furrowed your brow before shaking your head

  “They’re just being stupid boys. They’re drunk. They’d fight over a torn shirt...”

  “But they’re fighting over you..” she repeated and you shushed her, bringing the sleeping bag up to cover her, lulling her to sleep

  “Addy..” someone whispered from outside the tent but you ignored it, “Addy!” Rafe whispered as he finally entered the tent, “he should never have been bothering you.”

  “I’m fine, Rafe. I can handle myself.” you countered as he moved closer to you, closing the small gap that was between the two of you

  “I’m sure you can...” you could smell the beer on his breath as he leaned in to kiss you, when all of a sudden he was torn away and out of the tent. When you rushed out to see what was going on, you found JJ and Rafe toppling over each other in a fist fight.

  “JJ STOP!” A girl you hadn’t seen before yelled, “JJ! ENOUGH!” It didn’t seem to work or he didn’t hear her because he continued to throw punches at Rafe, connecting with his jaw hard enough that he was drawing blood. The crowd that was gathering larger around them cheered the fight on and you shook your head in disbelief, calling for the fight to stop as well

  “STOP!” you cried, catching the girls eye as she called to JJ one more time, “BOTH OF YOU, STOP! PLEASE!” Rafe had managed to over power JJ enough to get him on the ground and punch him until JJ’s face was cut and bruised

  “RAFE!” someone shouted but he didn’t stop, not until JJ took over the fight once more, pushing Rafe onto the ground and laying more punches to the boys face

  “JJ!” you called finally, leading the blonde boy to look back at you with his fist pulled back, his hair flopping lazily in front of his eyes. He must have seen the worry on your face because he let go of Rafe’s shirt and got up from where he was, making his way to the end of the tents to wherever his was. You were breathing heavily at what all had just happened, looking at Rafe’s bloody face and the blood that seemed to stain the sand. When you looked up, you found the girl from earlier staring at you like you’d just been bombarded by fish on land; you furrowed your brow before checking on Alexis quickly and when you stood back up, the girl was gone. “Lexi?” you asked your now-unconscious cousin, “Lexi? I’m just going to check on JJ... are you okay?” She groaned and you bit your lip, contemplating whether or not you should leave her. Ultimately deciding you wouldn’t be gone for long, so you grabbed the first aid kit, zipped up the tent and made your way to find JJ.

  “Who is she?” you heard a voice shout, you peaked from behind one of the tents to find the girl from earlier yelling at JJ

  “She’s my boss’s daughter” he answered and the girl growled

  “A Kook?!” she yelled, “not even just any Kook, though, no. A Samson. What are you doing?”

  “Nothing Kiara!” he yelled back, standing up to gain more dominance on his friend, making you shift back so he didn’t see you, “I’m not doing anything. It was Rafe Fucking Cameron. I didn’t want her getting hurt”

  “Why? Because you think that’ll cost you your job too?” Kie snarled, “you won’t lose your job over every little thing, JJ. You need to stop worrying about this family and start worrying about your own!”

  “MY OWN?!” you could hear his anger start to overcome him and you dropped your eyes to the ground, thinking you should just go back, “I don’t have my own family. My best friend is gone. He’s disappeared and my other best friends have completely moved on. My mom is gone and my dad is... not worth it.”

  “You still have us, JJ” she tried, her voice softening at his confession

  “No, I don’t.” He replied, defeated, sitting down as she said her final words

  “Why her?” she said and you peered back from behind the tent, “if she’s just your boss’s daughter, and nothing is going on between you two, why would you be so affected by her?“

  “What are you talking about?” he looked up at her and she tilted her head before dropping her jaw

  “I saw the way you looked at her. The way you stopped everything you were doing when you saw her face. But you wouldn’t listen to me. You didn’t even hear me. So.. why her?” JJ was silent, for longer than either you or Kie thought he’d be, making her scoff at his lack of response before walking away. You heard the unzipping of the tent and took a deep breath to bring yourself to walk over to where he was.

  “JJ?” you called when you were outside of his tent, not wanting to disturb him more than you were about to

  “Addy?” he answered, surprised to see you here, “what’s up? are you okay?”

  “Me?” you questioned with a laugh, “I should be asking you-- that’s why I’m here. I wanted to check on you.” You lifted the first aid kit up and shook it lightly as you spoke

  “I’m fine,” he said snidely, “you can go back to the Kooks.”

  “What is all this Pogue, Kook, Cut crap?” you snapped, “I feel like an idiot because I have no idea what any of you are talking about...” He laughed at your outburst before inviting you inside his tent

  “Pogue’s are me and my friends. The lowest on the totem pole,” he explained, “we live in the Cut. The South Side. The Kooks are... well your people.” You pointed at yourself and gasped, raising your eyebrows exaggeratedly, “the rich families who live on Figure 8. The north side.”

  “So.. why the battle?” you continued, “I mean.. rich kids are obnoxious anywhere so why fight with them over this kind of thing”

  “Spoken like a true Kook” he laughed while you prepared the antibiotics

  “I’m serious. You could just... prove them wrong about you. Just because you come from two different classes doesn’t mean you have to play into those roles”

  “Maybe not in New York City,” he joked, “but here. Yeah. You kinda do.” He replied. You unwrapped a disinfectant wipe and began to dab at the cuts on his face, when he winced suddenly you pulled back

  “I’m sorry” you whispered and he smiled, letting you know that he was fine so you continued cleaning his wounds. “Thank you,” you added, “for what you did. You didn’t have to, and you probably shouldn’t have, but thank you anyway.” You caught his stare as you finished cleaning a cut on his lip with the disinfectant wipe, feeling your breath shallow in your chest

  “Anytime” he responded when you tore your eyes away and you could feel a smile on his voice as he spoke. You asked him to hold onto some bandages so you could grab them after you put on some antibacterial cream; repositioning yourself so you were facing him more directly, pushing your hair to one side, exposing your neck; feeling his shallow breaths creep across your skin as he moved closer to you

  “Who was that girl? Kiara?” you asked, suddenly and he leaned back, forcing you to stop what you were doing, “I heard you two arguing. Is she.. your girlfriend?” The words came out of your mouth more hesitantly than you expected

  “No, Kie’s one of my best friends...” he said, drifting away from you even further, “she’s just mad because our friend... I haven’t... It’s complicated.” You nodded, raising your hands to bring his face closer to you again but he flinched so you put your hands up to show you weren’t planning on hurting him. He laughed and moved close to you again, you began dabbing small amounts of the cream on the cuts around his eye first, before moving to his cheekbone, placing a butterfly stitch on each as you finished

  “Am I hurting you?” you asked when you saw his jaw tense and release

  “I’ve gone through worse” he replied and you furrowed your brow

  “That’s not what I asked,” you laughed and he looked up at you, clearly caught off guard by your response, “I don’t care if you’ve been set on fire before. What I’m asking is if you’re in pain right now. If I’m hurting you right now..?” He smiled at you before shaking his head and lessening the gap between the two of you before your fingers found their way to the cut on his lip, dabbing a small amount of cream on the outside of his bottom lip and placing a butterfly stitch there; wiping off any residue. He continued to move closer to you, your lips almost touching and you could feel the tension rising as your breath continued to shallow, staying solely in your chest as his eyes danced between your lips and your eyes.

  “I don’t have any ice..” you shakily said, breaking the tension but not the eye contact that he’d worked so hard to keep

  “That’s okay,” he replied, suavely, “I can get ice later...”

  “I have an ice pack.. somewhere..” you mumbled and he shook his head, not caring about anything at that moment. He moved closer once more, this time bringing his hand up to your waist, until his lips grazed yours and you pulled away from him suddenly, “I-I’m sorry. I should go.” You stumbled as you stood up and made your way out of the tent, leaving the first aid kit behind so you could hide as fast as possible; ducking behind a tree as soon as you could. If for no other reason than to cool off. Shit, you thought to yourself. What are you doing, Addy? You can’t do this to Alexis. It would kill her. But he smelt so sweet, like watermelon, and his lips looked so soft. No, stop it! She’s your cousin and he’s... her crush. Leave this alone. You repeated the words to yourself as you made your way back to your tent, collapsing in your sleeping bag as soon as you got inside. You tried not to think of JJ but his lips crashing into yours was all you could dream about that night and you knew you were in trouble.

#JJ Maybank #JJ Maybank Fic #JJ Maybank series #JJ Maybank Imagine #Outer Banks #OBX #JJ Maybank x you #JJ Maybank x reader #OBX Fic #Outer Banks Fic #OBX Imagine #Outer Banks Imagine #Outer Banks Series #OBX Series #masterlist #the other masterlist #tag list #Outer Banks Tag List #taglist

[kanene-yaaay]

Vulnerable

Author’s note: 

Thank you all very much for all the support, reblogs, heart and kinds words that you give to me. I can’t call this a christmas gift, but I really hope that you like it and this small oneshot is able to light up your day! ‘w’)s2

Just like all the random ideias this came when I was doing chorus, because, of cooooourse my brain wouldn’t give me a plot when I’m free and with time to write. xDDD

Just a bunch of fluff with all the Light Sides atke caring of Virgil. I love to write these scenarios. sorrey words. No angst today. xP

Warnings, fun facts, random things and stuff:

* Lee!Virgil and Ler!Logan. However, tickling isn’t the main plot this time. xP

* Hmmm… This is a fluff fanfic with liking for tickling. If you don’t like this kind of stuff, please look for another blog, there are plenty of lovelys and fantastic arts in this site!! ‘u’).

* Something around 4000 words. -w-)b.

* Sorry for any spelling, pontuation and grammar mistakes! Any advice is very very welcome!

* Fanfics em português brasileiro (Portuguese Version) ! Thank you so much for reading, my lollipops! Have a wooooonderful day regardless it’s festive or not! Take care of yourself and of your family, friends... Everyone who is dear for you!  Byeioo!~

                   [~*~]

Vulnerable.

 This was a bittersweet word. Maybe a little too much bittersweet. It was that set of letters that provoked a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach. That kind of set that if he asked to Logan to define it, would receive a very different answer from the one that he really felt to be the real one.

 Weak.

 He remembers his first days living with the others on the Light Side: spending a lot of time in his room, crackled his fingers with worrying frequency every time he got out from his place and ended up interacting with someone; was always fearful and, when this fear became almost impossible to maintain or hides and someone addressed him a word, the purple lover showed his personality abruptly, with rough and sharp words. The feelings beating, counting the seconds to see how much time it would last until they expelled him from there, because one thing was extremely certain:

 “ – I-I can’t understand. – His voice came out in a mix of tiredness and anger, sparkling almost as hard as his sharp, frustrated look. – Why do all of you still doing this? Why are keeping me here? Why don’t you kick me out? Why pretend that I never did anything wrong?? – His voice stuck in his throat before he could release the main question, that one which made his heart hurt for keep it for so long.

 ‘Why do you treat me like family?’

 - You are an essential part for Thomas’ welfare. – The voice from the logic aspect echoed in the room occupied only by the two sides. In truth, initially it was only for Virgil to be there. However, Logan just settled down a few inches away from the first one, a book in hands and deaf ears for the growl that came from the mouth of the anxious aspect. – Your vigilant and awareness about the reality’s state helps him to keep his two feet on the ground. Something that I am grateful.

 And then he elevates his glare, taking by surprise the pair of brown eyes, which quickly deviated his attention to the wall, before hearing the phrase that let out from the other lips, in a definitely softer tune.

 - None of us is perfect. We never were.

 Virgil felt his body relaxes with relief. Absolutely against his desire.

  He was not like any of them.

 It took a few days for these first reactions to fade little by little. The urge to flee decreased and the frequency he went out increased. He stopped to throw out sharp and rough words to speak less often. He would let himself fall in the steps of the stair and stayed there watching his phone and listening music. Much because it was his favorite hobby, and part because as this he could easily observed (and mot of time unnoticed) the Light Sides interacting.

  “- Hey, easy there. – Warm, loving hands gently held his own, and Virgil controlled his first instinct to retreat and flight, quickly recognizing Patton’s voice and gestures. Was it weird that in such short time he already could recognize each of them? By their voice’s timbre, way to walk, the position they had around him… Would it be weird if some day they knew that he already was aware about of all this? – You will end hurting yourself, son. – As the one who wears glasses spoke, he untangled Virgil’s fingers, since the purple lover was crackling them in five different ways since the beginning of the movie, when he was called to join the Family Movie Night.

 The paternal side has a special skill to utter more than words said, and Virgil felt his ears burn with the blush that hit his face when he realized how deep, delicate and affectionate that phrase was.

 - I am not your son. – Complained in a mix of grumbled and growl that only could be researched and pronounced with a lot of training. Patton laughed and intertwined one of their hands, the other one being free to ruffle the hair strands of the anxious side, who falsely angry puffed, breaking free from the touch.

 - Sure you’re not, Hamilson! – Roman smiled brightly, extremely happy and proud for the reference utilized by the heart’s representation. Logan seemed be the only one who really was paying attention on the movie, and soon Virgil joined him.

 Partly because the plot was really interesting and part because he wanted to ignore the sense of comfort emanating from his hand, which would be totally separated from Patton’s one if it wasn’t for the two little fingers that still tangled. Again, absolutely against his desire.

  And, with the pass (a little more) of time (his own time) he changed from the stairs to the couch and started to do the chores by the morning and not just at dawn, when the others were away or asleep. He also began to smile more from Patton’s dad jokes and the little fights between a Logan without coffee and a sleep-drunk Roman, who didn’t stopped to summon the most eccentrics possible (and impossible) things in the kitchen.

 Virgil began to feel equally comfortable listening to his songs even when he forgot/lost/gave up to find his headphones, and, as a thank you, didn’t complained about the 150 stories and/or performances Roman created based in each one of the lyrics. Even if those didn’t have much of that bitter taste from angst that makes the whole climax even more interesting, in his opinion.

 Just as he felt free to lean against the back of Logan’s armchair, reading over his shoulders when realized that the one who wears tie enjoyed some book about astronomy, since the theories about of how the Universe and everything with it emerged, were too precious to leave the shame kept him from reading.

 The sporadic jumpscares from the logical side as he became suddenly aware about the other’s presence were equally appreciated.

 And, in the end, Virgil relaxed and lowered his guard enough to take a nap when Patton sat at besides him on the couch, either to try ‘just one more!’ of the thousands of handworks that he so much loved, or just to lay down his legs after a particularly hard day on the kitchen. Sometimes he would woke up when the paternal side softly pulled him to rest his head in his shoulder or lap (depending on how much both were sprawled out in the furniture), running his fingers through his purple hair from time to time. Sometimes humming something while working or sometimes let himself lean on Virgil for a small nap, too.

  “Thomas yawed and it might seem, to anyone who watched from the outside, that he covered the other’s mouth, due how suddenly his voice stopped to excitedly fulfill the air.

 - You are tired. – It wasn’t a question. Virgil could not detect the very tone of voice that stuffed his sentence. – You should go to sleep.

 The bed where both were resting shifted a little as the human turned to see the hours before undoing the action until he could stare the purple lover aspect.

 - It’s still early. Logan said that I should stay away from the cellphone for half an hour before bed.

 No answer.

 - Come on… - Thomas replied, his supplicant voice mingled with that puppy eyes that should have been considered a cheating so scandalous until the point to have laws to forbidden them. Virgil began to feel his barriers falling. Damn it. – You know you’re the only one who has enough persistence to keep me from picking up my phone and start to watch animals being cute.

 The one on the hoodie growled.

 - Logan also told me that the yawning is a sign that the body is attempting to stay awake, which means that your theories are so interesting that I am really trying hard to hear any and every bit o-

 - Okay, okay!! – He prevented the other from completing his phrase, covering his mouth and rolling his eyes to the laughter that hit its moments later. – Just, stop with this… sentimental stuff. Urg. – And then withdrew his hand, both turning to face the ceiling of the room, seeing more than could actually explain. – So, where were I? Oh, yes. And that is why, if the aliens remained in the area 51 and it really was in Earth, the time travel…

 …

 And for some time they slept, but, as always, Virgil found himself slightly waking up when he felt the other’s arms wrap him in a firm and affection mixture that had probably taken training and time to research; and, even more surprisingly, the side on hoodie didn’t felt himself pushing him away or sinking to his own room, and yes relaxing and sighing comfortably. Soon allowing his eyes to close and both fall back into the Dream World.

 It took a little longer to feel that he really could lower his guards. Talked more, without fear of being inconvenient, wander by the entire Mental Palace like a lost soul (he was really proud of the amount of jumpscares he manage to get from the family), sporadically visited the others sides  to chat (but only when he was sure that they were in their room and in rare moments, just as he wished it were visits to his own room); and, finally, starting to realize, step by step, memory by memory, fight to fight, discussion to discussion and intern joke to intern joke which Patton’s card, the debates with Logan, the pranks with Roman and the conversation with Thomas mean.

 Which meant being in a famILY.

 Which meant being able to be vulnerable, to be himself, to allow himself to be attacked at any time, by acts or words, just for the simple and liberating fact that none of them would do so, and vice versa. Perhaps happened to exists some bruises, however never really wanting to.

 “- You never showed me your room before. – Virgil uttered, part afraid to bring this subject up, but the other part, the most insistent, being too much curious to let the doubt arrested himself. His feet played, submerged in the water of the small river that crossed this part of the room belonging to the creative side.

- Maybe because you never seemed like a nature lover…? – The prince answered with a touch of doubt, as he wasn’t very sure about his own statement. In the end he shrugged, which was a little weird, since he was floating and keeping himself in the same place between the river flows by an only vine tangled in his wrist.

 - Fair. So, you’re the type that is carried away by the appearances, huh?

 - What!?? – With the fright, Roman almost lost his balance, trying to sit up before remembering that he was in the middle of water and not on a solid surface. For a moment everything became a mess of water being splashed to any and every possible direction, something that would worries the purple side, if it didn’t took more than a few seconds to the creativity side stabilize himself again, staring him as he has been slapped in the face.  – Pardon me?? I am the romantic side! Nothing to me is more important than the soul, the essence, the heart! ~

Virgil was almost sure that it was some flirt in this sentence, which wouldn’t be such a surprise, since it was almost countless all the times Roman flirted with every side who simply happened to pass for him.  The battle between him and Deceit remained as a historical mark in the Mind Palace.

 - Mh hm. – Virgil replied, the sarcasm flying from his tongue with an incredible facility, something that the member of royalty was plenty used to. – Just a sec that I’m gonna be right back after fake that I believe in you.

 - Take the chance and give me my cellphone to call and cancel that intimacy that you think you have with me. – The sharp look released by the one using eyelashes matched with his royal teasing smile. It took a while, as everything else in life, but both finally had researched a point where they knew the limits to play and teasing. Not everything was always clear as water (Ok. Maybe he needs to decrease his time with Patton.) however, one day the two would get there.

 Roman began to suspect when, instead to answer with acid words; the purple lover really got his phone and started to type something. He swam closer to the margin.

 - Hey, Roman. What does “Aqui esta mi numero” mean?

- … Heres my number. – Virgil gave what would have been one last click on the screen of his device, and then, from the prince’s pocket, a sound exploded echoing through all the room.

 - SO CALL ME BABY!!! HEY, I JUST MET YOU, AND IT’S CRAZY!

 The representation of creativity probably would jump something around five feet from the ground if he wasn’t in the river. With clumsy hands and several incoherent half-curses, even more inaudible amid the song and Virgil’s laugh, he took some great time before finally refuse the call, stopping 90% the sound, since the one on hoodie stilled laughing.

 - Ha! Jokes on you, Stormcloud! I do adore ‘Call Me Baby’!

 The purple lover pretended to wipe a tear from his eye, before staring at him with a smirk shining in his face.

 - So, why all the fuzz to hush i- WOW! HEY! – The currents protests was due the vines wrapped his sides, seconds before drop him the water. The prince knew about the other’s swimming skills, so, his only concern was just laughing at his mate.

 - ROMAN! – He emerged, a dangerous look glooming and leading a shiver rand down Roman’s spine and a nervous smile spread over his face. All his expression has an only message: - Run.

 Survive Advice: If the aspect of Fight and Flight tells you to run, you run. Even if you’re in the water.”

  It was about this same time he began to have these dreams, that sweet dreams, which, when you woke up, don’t feel a heavy feeling in the chest but a peace. Those dreams which he would wake up happy, refreshed, ready to open his eyes and feel joy for liking his reality. That kind of dream that was important enough to remember. Most of this kind of dreams involved the three light sides, along with Thomas.

 Due this, there was no way he would leave his room is if he was sleepy. Remus had once confirmed to him that he really did speak in he sleep, and Virgil didn’t wanted to risk the others obtained this knowledge in the most cliche and weird way possible.

 Which would be soooo much easier if Thomas wasn’t going back to the habit of sleeping at F I V E   AM in the days he considered himself on a break.

 Nevertheless, sure, nothing in his existence was easy, was it?

 So, the second the purple lover opened his heavy eyes, he was aware of four thing in the exactly same time:

 1º - He wasn’t in his room.

 2º - A blanket covered him.

 3º - His mouth was dry.

 4º - He had no idea about what time it was.

 Trying to remove the remnants from the nap rubbing his eyes, the representation of anxiety went into the kitchen, soon coming back with a glass of water and sat on the couch, thinking how pleasant his dream had been and that he should soon write down all the details to not forget the butterflies in tummy, which still persisted until now.

 - You talk in your sleep. – It was not a question. It was a statement. Virgil almost dropped his phone, his body paralyzing for a second, the memories running fast and clear through his brain. Soft touches, smiles, that unbearable and yet so good sensation in his skin…

 Laughter.

 His face automatically burned as if he was making a tomato cosplay. With little struggling a look, part relaxed and part nervous, took over his expression.

 - Is that so? Did I said something? – Took a sip of water. It wasn’t cold enough to soothe the heat that still covered his cheeks and not hot enough to dispel the cold in his belly.

 - Affirmative. – Logan adjusted his glasses; putting the bookmarker before close the book and delicacy sets its aside in the coffee table. – Interesting, indeed; and enlightening.

 Curse the day that the one who wears tie began to love mystery books and now liked to talk in codes. Who does he think he is? Yoda?? Virgil almost frowned for irritation, but wouldn’t let himself be carried away by the other’s, who carefully observed Virgil calmly lay in the couch with his phone (turned off, that’s true) in hands, game.

 - I wouldn’t define a dream like that. – Retaliated with a grin. – They aren’t the best example of logic, you know?

 - I do not believe it is more about the dream itself, and yes, what it represents. – It wasn’t his impression, Logan did approached some inches. Virgil’s muscles tensed. – Many times, due being from the human’s subconscious, the dreams can capture things that usually the own conscious mind don’t even realize. Unnoticed memories, ancient facts that seemed been forgotten… - Little break. The representation of Fight and Flight felt the blush increased. He knew. He knew, he knew he knewheknewheknewheknew!! And even worse, he knew that Virgil knew. The purple lover felt a smile starting to struggle to open in his mouth. – Unvoiced wishes.

 The aspect on hoodie jumped from the couch in a millisecond, his mind clouded by the nervousness and euphoria, which started to took over his being just for the unspoken words. Logan knew about his dream. His secret desire that, even being relaxed and adapted and feeling loved around them, he wasn’t told to anyone yet.

 Tickling.

 The aspect of ‘Fight or Flight’ does not trip, Virgil was sure, however, the quickly approaching ground questioned his belief and, when his body collapsed on it and he turned to prevent Logan, realized too late that the said already has sat on his legs, an atypical smile in his face.

 - Don’t. You. Dare. – Half smiling, half defensive. The one on hoodie attempted unsuccessfully to break free, until when those words came out from the other’s lips:

 - Only if you are comfortable with that.

 Maybe it was for the certainty with which this sentence was said, or the affection it represented, or the worry that showed, or even the dream he had before and the chase that made each one of his ticklish spots euphorically tingle with just the thought of fingers wriggling on them.

 Maybe it was even for the sincerity and calm in his glare, as if he had said nothing much. Virgil opened his mouth for some seconds, but no sound came out. His eyes met with the hand on his ribs, the sensation to feeling they still being more unbearable than imagining them moving. His entire face blushed, which he tried to hide on his shoulders.

 - Whatever.

 An amused puff was the only answer from the logic side before his fingers scratched Virgil’s neck, leading the purple lover released a light squeal and pulled his face out of the hiding place, trying to protect the attacked spot. The tickles stopped, which made him open his, almost frustrated, eyes just to find Logan simply wriggling his fingers meticulously in the air, right above his skin, going from a spot to another while spread amount of electrics shivers through his nerves

 - I wonder where I should start the experiment… Should I go up and down? Focus in just one spot? Maybe one per time should be the ideal, since you seem be too ticklish in everywhere… - Virgil began to squirm, stopping in the last second with as a frustrated grumble pushed from his mouth. Knowing the representation of the knowledge and curiosity, these wonders were true. However, the smirk growing in his expression make him doubt about that.

 After sometime, Virgil opened his mouth, ready to ask for him do something (anything!), which showed to be a bad choice, since in that very minute the fingers met his ribs and a quick giggle let out his mouth, didn’t finding any barrier to stop it. The struggle from the purple lover (and, as it seems, tickle lover, too) to escape becoming a little stronger.

 - Nahahahahaha!! Lohohohgan!! – The fingers were making circular motions in the upper ribs. First giving attention to just one, then two, then three then... This before his mind get completely messed and he felt the tem fingers hiking his ribs. – NAHAHAHAHA – Uuuuup. – Wahahahahahahahait! – Dooooown. – NAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAT– Up it goes. – TheheheheheHEHEHEheheHEHEHEheHEHE!! – And now he went up and down and in random patters, focusing in just one side before presenting the same treatment to the other. Virgil hugged himself as tightly as he could, seeking prevent his arms to stop the feeling.

 - This sounds like a good place. – The logical aspect continued, his calm and stable voice being betrayed by his playfully (and a little bit crazy, it’s important to mention) painted grin. His hands stopped, moving away from Virgil and giving him time to take some sips of air and struggle to not melt in giggles that escaped from his lips. Logan held one of his hands, delicately pushing it up. – Nevertheless I ask to myself how it going to be with this so well hidden spot.

 - Lohohohohohgan! Nohoho! W-wahahahahahahait! – His face was bright by how huge was his smile, almost as luminously as the sparkle in his glare. The one who (always)  wears tie (and sometimes a unicorn onesie) slightly ned his head, his free hand entering under the hoodie and giving small light squeezes in each one ribs where he slowly walked by, generating a series of laugh intercalated by squeaks and quick jumps. He tried to free his wrist from the other’s hold.

 - Yes, Virgil? Is there something that you want to tell? – The purple side, who had the blush spread to his neck, just shook his head, without being able (or not wanting to) pronounce anything. His nose winkled and his eyes were lightly shouted down, maybe having the conciseness that the dark made him even more sensitive. ~

 Logan began to trace with an only finger irregular patterns in his armpits, happily watching him curl up a little and put even more effort to lower his arm.

 -Plehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehahahahahahase!!

 - Do you want me to speed up? Alright.

 And then all the five tickler fingers attacked all at once. Scratching, poking, wriggling, drumming and exploring every little piece of researchable skin to tickle from the other.

 - LohohohoGAHAHAHAHAHAHA! NAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahahahaHAHAhaha!!! – Now, the laughter danced more freely and in a higher flow. Logan keep the tickles for a few more minutes, switching between armpits and upper ribs. Since not know the next step seemed essential to get more shrieks and high-pitched laugh.

 The logic side retreated, letting the representation of ‘Fight or Flight’ finally lower his arm and curl up, the laugh coming back to little sporadic giggles. When he opened his eyes again, Virgil faced a long dark-blue feather millimeters away from his bellybutton. His glare met Logan’s, noticing how equally his expression was with that crazy scientists, and wondering, for that brief moment, how his own expression looked like.

 “Like a light.” Logan would answer if he had the ability to read the other’s mind. “Because it looks like capable to light the darkest night.”

 “And…”

 - NononononO!

 He wriggled the feather into Virgil’s navel, who practically jumped with the sensation that hit without any warning his body.

 “He certainly would be a warning to a thunder, or even the coming storm.”

 All his nerves and instincts were laughing. Virgil was absolutely sure about that while his mind became a messy cloudy of laugh and happy tears accumulating in his eye’s corner. His smile went ear to ear and it was really impressive that Logan haven’t been hurled by the strength which he squirmed. The laugh reverberated in his chest and filled him with enjoy.

  “An adorable storm, indeed.”

 He stopped, because the loud sound could attract the others and the most rational side doubted this was something that the one on hoodie would like to. Give him some more to breath.

 - My gohohohohohohohohohosh… - He still squirming slightly, wiping some small fallen tears. – Yohohohou arehehehehe ruthlehehehehehess, right?  

 - I believe that I was quite carried away by the experiment. – He lifted up the feather, unaware about the electric shivers running Virgil’s spine just by this movement. – I suppose that you enjoy light tickles as well, am I right? Would the neck be a good spot for this?

 Virgil didn’t answered for a few moments, ultimately agreeing with a quick nod, and feeling the other rise from his, now numbs, legs. Logan readjusted himself by his side, letting the feather softly dance on his neck, tracing his jaw, which trembled for the small chuckles that escaped from the said, until this spot behind his ear, which made him release gaps of laughter.

 In the end, Logan got up, going towards the coffee table to recall his book, before coming back together with the glass of water in hands, quickly handing over to the purple side, who still couldn’t erase the euphoric wobbly smile from his face. Seconds of comfort silent permeated between both. Virgil fight against which its representation before breaking it.

 - Thank you.

 Logan blinked, a bit surprised, before nodding, putting the feather in his pocket and letting a small smile took over his mouth.

 - I’m glad for we share this… bounding moment. It was quite pleasant.

 - Seriously?

 - Sure.

 - Well it was… pleasant for me, too.

 Quick smiles. Happy glares.

 - Don’t ever talk about this with anyone! Not even about the dream! – Sibilated.

  - I’m afraid to not know what you’re talking about. – And the one who wears tie left the room, his amusing sentence still floating in the air. Virgil couldn’t help but smile one more time, absolutely against his desire, sure.

 Vulnerable.

 Now he understood the sense that this word could assume when surrounded by the right people.

 Trust.

#Virgil #Logan #Patton #Roman #Thomas #Sanders Sides #Tickles #There is tickles but just 1.000 words #Sanders Sides Tickling #Lee!Virgil #Ler!Logan #Virgil is such a cinnamon roll #KaneneFic #KaneneArt #Oneshot #Ticklish!Virgil #FamILY #Adaptation #Hope you like iiiiit #My head is fuzzy aaaaa flu w h y #<33

[starblazerm31]

The Courtiers as Shitty Retail Customers

This HC of mine seems to have gotten lost in the miasma somewhere.  It was an ask I had gotten in response to the Main 6 as Retail Workers HC.

Now...as a note...everything I write here I have seen/happened to me personally. EVERYTHING.  These are not your typical “Karen” stories. 

Content warnings: Bodily fluids (blood, vomit, feces, etc.).  Blatant rudeness.  Flagrant stupidity. THEFT.  Disturbing malevolent behavior.  Unwanted butt pinching.

The Courtiers As Shitty Retail Customers (cont. of Main 6 as Retail Workers)

Valdemar

That customer who leaves unexplained blood spatters ALL OVER the single bathroom.  They didn’t seem injured when they went in...but after they came out, everyone swears they committed a murder in there.  Poor Julian got pegged to clean it up since he’s the one certified in hazardous spills and Muriel was off that day.

The customer who stares at everyone in a really uncomfortable way.  Like...are they planning on slitting someone's throat right here in the store?  Please don’t...the employees really don’t want to have to deal with the inquiry and paperwork.

The customer who will grab a worker and just...occupy them.  Talking.  Oddly.  About anything and yet absolutely nothing.  But still dropping the most uncomfortable TMI.  One time, they grabbed Asra and just HAD to go into explicit detail about how they skin an animal after hunting.  And how much they love Satan.

The customer who will ask a really dangerous request of the worker they swept up just hoping to see them get hurt.  One time, he asked Julian to check on a specific tire which was WAAAAAY up on the top of the huge tire rack.  Chuckled to himself when the tire fell on Julian and almost broke his arm while he was ten feet in the air on a ladder.

Gets really offended when an employee gets too close.  "Come any closer and I'll stab you."  Julian:  "Do it.  Five cameras can see you RIGHT. NOW.

*flashes a knife at Muriel*  Muriel:  "My dick is bigger."

Volta

That customer who grabs food off of the shelf, eats it, then deposits the empty (or half-empty) wrapper/bottle on another shelf in another part of the store.

She once stole some things from the store and got a big head about it.  So she decided to come back the very next night to steal some more.  All the employees were wise to her and watched her very closely.  She stuffed a bunch of items up her shirt and made her way to the door.  Nadia and Muriel were standing there waiting for her.  She panicked and dropped everything out of her shirt in front of everyone (all the employees proceeded to point at her and laugh) and then walked out in a hurry.

When free snacks are offered to customers, she proceeds to stuff her face while spilling the snacks all over the store.  She leaves a trail of chips/popcorn wherever she walks.

Somehow managed to knock down an entire shelf of gallon jugs of water.  The water jugs all exploded on the floor.  It looked like a Noah's Ark situation.

Walked by Muriel and proceeded to suddenly vomit onto the floor.

Will unfold and an entire shelf of shirts (about an hour's worth of work) just to be a bitch.

Tried to steal a "Try Me" stick of deodorant that literally hundreds of people had touched.  Saw that she was being watched by Muriel, so she proceeded to look Muriel right in the eye and apply the deodorant.  Muriel:  "...I hope she gets sick."

*grabs Nadia*  "I think that worker is spying on me!" *points to Julian*  "He keeps following me around!"  Julian is stocking shelves, not even paying attention to her.  "And his body odor is really offensive!"  *Nadia looks to her dubiously*  "I'm sorry about that.  Here, let me fix it."  *walks over to Julian, explains the situation, and then gets on the radio*  "Watch the customer in accessories, they are behaving strangely."  Thirty minutes later, Volta is being escorted out by police for theft.  Julian:  "Body odor!  *huffs* Enjoy the lockup BO you're gonna have tomorrow, bitch."

Vlastomil

Brings in Wiggler.  "He's my emotional support worm!"

Wiggler pees on the floor.  Is asked to take his pet out of the store.  Proceeds to scream about how the store targets the mentally ill.  (Muriel has to go to the back to rage in private with Asra)

Asks about products, and then proceeds to criticize the store for even carrying such  "ridiculous" items.

Brings a fuckload of coupons, and expects them to be applied to clearance items.  Finds out that coupons cannot be honored for clearance items, and leaves two whole shopping carts of random items for the staff to reshelf.

"I can't see myself spending $3 on THAT."

To Asra:  "I'm going to need your employee discount."  Asra:  "So...I can move in with you tonight?"  Vlastomil:  "What?"  Asra:  "Well, if I give you my discount, I will be promptly fired.  I have a snake to take care of.  If I lose my job, I lose my apartment and my ability to feed myself and my snake.  Since YOU would be responsible for my getting fired, I'd expect YOU to take care of me and my snake afterward.  So...I can move in with you tonight?"  Vlastomil:  "...nevermind."

"The handsome manager said I could get this item with a 10% discount because it's not the brand I'm wanting."  Julian:  "Lucio isn't here today."  Vlastomil:  "He said it the other day."  Julian:  "He has to actually be here and tell me that himself, sorry.  He'll be here tomorrow, try again then."

Went into the bathroom.  A few minutes later, came out and grabbed Muriel and said that the bathroom needed to be cleaned.  Muriel looked inside and was APPALLED by the sight of feces smeared EVERYWHERE.  The floor, all of the stall doors, the trash can, the sinks, the toilets.  Vlastomil:  "Yeah, I had an accident."  Muriel did not hide his disgust and went to get the cleaning cart.  Threatened to quit that night.  Muriel:  "This is the kind of stuff DOCTORS AND NURSES deal with!  They get paid at least $20 an hour!  I make MINIMUM FUCKING WAGE!!!"

Vulgora

The customer that snaps at every single employee that speaks to them.

"No one likes (sports team)!  Why the hell do you even carry merch for this shitty team?!" (because there are more fans of that sports team than of the team that THEY like in that particular area)

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE'S A PENALTY FOR LETTING MY LAYAWAY EXPIRE?!  I WANT MY FULL REFUND!!!"

"RETURN THIS ITEM!"  Portia: "We don't carry this item."  Vulgora:  "YES YOU DO, I BOUGHT IT HERE!!"  Portia:  "I'm sorry, but this item is exclusive to (different store)."  Vulgora:  "YOU'RE AN IDIOT!  LET ME SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!"  Nadia proceeds to tell them the EXACT. SAME. THING.  Vulgora:  "YOU'RE ALL MORONS!  I'M CALLING CORPORATE!"

"How do I install a trailer hitch?"  Julian:  "I'm sorry, I don't know."  Vulgora:  "Well they just need to employ a trained monkey here!"  Julian:  "We ARE accepting applications, you know."

"Is this shit real gold?"  Portia:  "Yes, 18k."  Vulgora:  "How much is it?"  Portia:  *looks*  "$250."  Vulgora:  "What gold do you have for $20?"  Portia:  "Nothing."

"I WILL CLIMB OVER THIS DESK AND MESS YOU UP!"  Portia: *points to the camera aimed directly at them*  "Do it.  I'll see you in court."

They lost their place in line because they had to go and look at something.  When the person behind them stepped up to the register and started to get their items rung up, they dashed back in front of the person and grabbed Portia's arm to stop her from ringing up the other person's items.  Drew back in shock and horror when Portia immediately balled up her fist and held it threateningly at them.  Nadia was standing right there next to Portia.  Nadia:  "You need to leave.  Right now."  After they left, Nadia looked to Portia and said: "You wouldn't have gotten in trouble if you'd hit them, you know."  Portia:  "No one grabs me.  No one."

"YOU'RE HIDING ALL OF THE STORE EXCLUSIVE POP FIGURES IN THE BACK SO YOU IDIOTS CAN BUY THEM ALL AND SELL THEM ON EBAY!!"  Julian:  "I'm sorry, but you're incorrect.  That Pop figure is $8, and no one here wants to lose their job over an $8 figure.  Plus...the figure you're wanting isn't at this store anyway."  Vulgora:  "AND WHY NOT?!"  Julian:  "...Because it's sold online only." *shows them the online info that clearly states "online-only"*

Valerius

The customer who expects an employee to follow them around with a basket while they shop.

"Is this organic?"  Julian:  "Yes, sir, it is."  Valerius:  "I don't believe you.  Places like this can't possibly carry organic items."

Left an ENTIRE. PILE. of tried-on clothes in the dressing room when the limit on items was 4.

Opened at least 20 different tubes of lipstick and swiped them on his arm.  Put them all back on the shelf.  Asra could be heard swearing as he had to pull each lipstick off of the shelf and dispose of them since they were no longer sanitary and could not be sold.  "Couldn't he just steal?  It would have been so much easier..."

Comes into the store drunk off his ass and acts belligerent to everyone he sees.  Gets so OFFENDED when asked to leave.

"Are these diamonds real?"  Asra:  "They are lab-grown."  Valerius:  "So they aren't real."  Asra:  "They are lab-grown, so they are synthetic diamonds." Valerius:  "So they aren't real."  Asra:  *sighs* "They wouldn't be sold for just $50 if they were."

Starts fights with other customers because he thinks "They're weird."

The customer who accosts other customers, thinking they work there.  Even though they AREN'T. WEARING. A. UNIFORM.

Stuffs a pile of clothes he decided he doesn't want behind the tampons.

Demands that the single bathroom be unlocked, even though the single bathroom being locked means that it's occupied.

"How do these pants make my package look?"  Julian:  "...I'm not going to look, sir.  But they make your calves look amazing."

Walked by Asra and pinched his ass.  Looked so shocked when Asra whirled around and yelled at him.  Valerius: "Hey, I thought you would like that!"  Asra:  "I CLEARLY DID NOT!  That is called SEXUAL ASSAULT!!!  YOU GO TO JAIL FOR THAT!!!"

#the arcana headcanons #arcana headcanons #the arcana asra #the arcana julian #the arcana nadia #the arcana portia #the arcana muriel #starblazerm31 headcanons #who just pinches a strangers ass

[bryonysimcox]

Remember to Breathe: Weeks 24, 25 and 26, Spain

Sometimes life runs ahead of you. As three weeks since my last post have elapsed, I remind myself to take stock and breathe.

I started with such good intentions. A blog post a week, documenting our adventures driving East in our van. An intention I kept pretty strong until the past few weeks, which have passed in a daze. I’m not sure if it was lack of time or lack of motivation that stopped me from writing, but I do know that as our travels ground to a halt and I have had less adventures to report on, it has been harder to see the purpose in writing a blog. And yet, it is in truly extraordinary times like these, where we find ourselves all living altered lives amid a global pandemic, that writing has value - not just in exploring the things we’ve done but the things we’ve felt.

It’s been a busy three weeks here in Spain that’s for sure. Suzi the Van has brought us her fair share of dramas, especially when we discovered a burst coolant pipe a few days before we were booked to do a video shoot over an hour’s drive away. In a series of rather fortunate events, we found a Toyota garage and a super friendly mechanic who helped us navigate old Japanese parts diagrams and who wasn’t picky about our mix of Spanglish and hand gestures! He managed to order us in a specific genuine part (which was admittedly pretty pricey for what is effectively just a section of pipe) and George fitted it himself which was brilliant.

Doing our own repairs and maintenance on the van can be incredibly rewarding at times, but also super frustrating when we don’t have the tools or space that we need to do it effectively.

We’ve definitely realised that living minimally and with no fixed address can be a real pain when it comes to needing to do practical things, and we both dream of having a workshop and stash of tools and materials one day! Nevertheless, George’s pipe installation worked a treat and he changed the oil and fuel filter a few days later too - which also wasn’t without its dramas (but that’s another story)…

(images) Repairing the split radiator pipe in the van

Measures to manage the pandemic are still very much in place here in Spain. But they do at least mean that elements of ‘normal life’ can continue in a managed way, and so now that people are allowed out and about, we’ve been able to resume filming. We’ve been working with a small tourism company based in Valencia called Valtournative to help create some promo videos - a job we had originally booked way back in March before Covid-19 had taken a hold of Spain.

Valtournative is run by a bunch of genuinely lovely people including Danny, director and tour guide extraordinaire. He is the kind of business owner who wears his passion on his sleeve and his deep fascination for the Spanish countryside and the stories embedded within places is infectious.

As soon as it was safe to do so, we headed out with them out on some of their tours, firstly to an incredible vineyard and winery called Chozas Corrascal and later to some thermal springs in the town of Montanejos. What Valtournative does best is taking people out of the city and into the incredible natural spots around Valencia, which is of course is an even more appealing type of tourism, for its ability to enjoy yourselves in a safe and spacious environment, given the Covid-19 considerations. For Broaden to be filming amid grapevines, tasting organic wines, exploring small rural villages and swimming in natural springs… well, it’s a bit of a dream really!

(images) Filming at the vineyard and winery of Chozas Carrascal with Valtournative

(images) Filming at the Fuente de los Banos in Montanejos with Valtournative

As commercial work with Broaden grows, it’s not only a way of sustaining ourselves, but a kernel of hope that the future holds activity, exchange and adventure again. That things will get better.

I’ve also been building some exciting projects with AnalogueBryony, my collage-making practice. The wicked Manchester-based rock-pop outfit ‘Glass Caves’ recently released their single ‘Eye to Eye’ which features a collage I made as its artwork, and I’ve finished a few private commissions which I’ve been really pleased with as well. It’s strange to see AnalogueBryony grow as an enterprise considering how long I’ve been just plodding away at making my collages as a project for myself.

Being able to generate some income from my collage-making is huge for me, but I also have to remind myself that it’s first and foremost a creative process I can tap into to care for myself (something I explored in my post from Week 22). It’s probably no surprise that while I’ve been super busy making commissions, I haven’t found the time to make art just for fun! That said, I have at least managed to pop into MiKENGO cafe in Valencia a few times, and seeing my art on their walls in my show ‘Stop Making Sense’ is always a humbling and surreal experience.

(image) The final artwork for Glass Caves’ ‘Eye to Eye’ single, which you can listen to here.

Amid all the doing, there’s feeling too. Whilst these three weeks have been chokka block with stuff, I’ve forgotten to stop and take stock at times.

In many ways, ‘doing’ things all the time is a form of distraction. And after the enforced slowing-down that came with lockdown, I guess I’m not alone in suddenly trying to cram it all into this de-escalation phase - both to distract myself from the reality that life is still not as it was, and to make up for the ‘lost time’ of the months that have just passed. Working on building Broaden, releasing videos such as our new documentary about the town of Portland in New South Wales, making collages, generating work, it’s all a form of ‘being productive’. And I know that sometimes I turn to these things when I don’t want to stop and think too much. 

I guess when I sat down to write this blog post after a bit of a hiatus, I thought to myself ‘what’s the overarching message’? And the message I concluded with, a message to myself, is that I need to remember to breathe.

Breathing means taking stock, looking at what’s come before and what’s ahead, and being kind to yourself. I think it also means being honest, and not fooling yourself into thinking that everything’s okay just because you’ve been busy.

(images, left to right) Moments of breathing: an incredible sunrise on the drive to a video shoot, an evening on the balcony, the deserted town square in Corbera looking blissful.

Sure, it’s an honour to be busy and especially to be occupied with wonderful creative projects, but I’ve got to remember the low points, the spectrum of emotions, the mundane everyday routinesm the frustration of still not being able to see family, the uncertainty about the future, the despair at global powers who seem to have taken climate change completely off the table. Breathing means taking it all in - the good with the bad, the doing with the thinking.

So why am I sharing this with you? It seems, yet again, that a personal insight could in fact be of value to others, that the idea of breathing, and of giving yourself the time and respect to feel all sorts of emotions about this topsy-turvy trainwreck of a year is an idea we could all benefit from.

Just because the initial hype of coronavirus and the full lockdown it triggered has subsided a bit, doesn’t mean it’s not genuinely affecting our lives, our livelihoods and our mental wellbeing. And perhaps that’s another reason I haven’t written for a while, that I haven’t wanted to admit to myself that while George and I are busy, it’s still a struggle to stay positive and keep our heads above the water. But the irony is that in admitting it, in remembering to breathe and in writing this all down, I suddenly feel a whole lot better.

Have a wonderful week of doing, thinking and breathing.

#life in a van #Travel Diaries #Bryony & George #Gratitude #Videography #digital nomads #Reflection #Breathing space

[saizoswifey]

AKA our favorite thing in the world !!!!!!! jsjsjsjdfkjsfj I love you so much thank you for this ask @catchthespade !! I’m not replying to this directly because I wanted to add images and going right from the ask makes the layout stupid lmao. (and I fucking hate tumblr because you can’t add text between nicely bunched images and it downgrades the quality to fucking hell but here we are)…

This gets semi-N//SFW

______________________

Okay SO. Saizo is one of the most intensely jealous characters in the game. He even gets jealous of Yukimura:

I’ll put the rest under a cut for length purposes….this is LONG [seriously] and also mild spoilers for event stories to (hopefully) come…

AND LET’S NOT FORGET 

Obviously, he is pissed but not going to hurt Yukimura in any way. I think in a lot of ways he turns his jealous feelings into teasing/poking fun at the person he is jealous of. It’s his defense mechanism and he likes to push their buttons or make them look like a complete idiot in order to ease his anxieties and make himself feel better. 

We know his jealousy goes far enough that in canon he keeps MC from screaming during sex so Yukimura does not hear it, and he also has been known to keep Yukimura and Chibi Sasuke busy in order to not be interrupted with MC. 

Saizo literally gives ZERO FUCKS about what is going on around them when it comes to MC and his jealousy. He’ll ruin anything, he’ll stop anything, he’ll make the biggest fucking scene. We saw it in his route when he swiped her up from the faux wedding. There’s another event upcoming, in which MC is chosen for a lead part in a performance (in which she must kiss the male lead). At first, the male lead chosen is Yukimura, and Saizo seems to not care one bit, he doesn’t seem threatened. And I mean, Yukimura is his bestie and he trusts him so that makes sense, it’s a play kiss with no meaning. However, Yukimura gets sick and the part lands on Sasuke (BIG ninja Sasuke, not chibi). Saizo. Is. Pissed.  He literally jumps on the stage and ruins the whole fucking things by stealing MC and running away before they can kiss because he won’t allow it. 

Now, these are all “friendly” encounters with jealousy. However. I think Saizo has a very dark side to how possessive he can be when it comes to MC. 

We’ve seen in canon him mentioning several times that he will kill men if they try to see her intimately. In an upcoming ES we see just how pissy Saizo can get when he gets jealous of someone who ISN’T a friendly threat but a random stranger. MC volunteers to help at a nearby school but the teacher ends up being a real creepo. Saizo knows it right away but MC doesn’t listen or understand and continues to go there despite the fact that she is starting to receive letters from an unknown stalker. Saizo goes into freak-out mode and keeps watch of her from a distance 24/7. He shows up at the school purposefully to send a message to the guy, and the moment he DOES end up making a move, Saizo reveals himself AND HIS SWORD. 

Saizo may be the kind-hearted softie when it comes to MC and Yukkins, but the cold and calculating, unflinching Saizo is still very much a part of him. He has no qualms with murder and death, and since he holds all of like 3 people dear to him, he will do whatever it takes to keep them safe. 

SO, what sets his jealousy/possessiveness off the most? 

When someone has known MC longer than he has/someone who appears to be very close with MC. Saizo may have met MC long ago but he wasn’t able to be by her side and he’s pretty self-conscious about that fact. He doesn’t like it when someone tries to show they know her more intimately than he does. 

MC talking about other men, ESPECIALLY when they’re in bed together or have alone time. It’s few and far between they get quiet moments together so the last thing he wants to hear is about another guy no matter the context. 

MC not listening when he tries to warn her about someone or tell her not to do something. He’s got a sixth sense for trash people and he’s usually pretty easy going, so when he tells you to stay away from someone its for a good reason. Not to mention the fact that it’s hurtful to have your S/O ignore your advice in order to spend time with someone else. 

Anxiety after almost dying or losing MC. 

Of course, there are lots of other reasons, but I think these are the most prevalent, the ones that will actually get a huge rise out of Saizo. As far as other random jealousy/possessive HC’s, Dare I say……yandere???: 

Absolutely keeps tabs on you like at all times. If it’s not him himself(which it usually is) he sends Kiyohiro to watch and report back. If he even so much as WHIFFS someone is being creepy towards you he is ending that shit right away. 

How he takes care of them depends on the level of creep. And maybe how he’s feeling that day. If they can be scared off easily he could simply drop into their room in the dead of night, wake them up with a blade to the throat, “shhh, quiet now or I may just slip.” Perhaps he slips something into their evening tea and carries their unconscious body to the nearest cliff or into the woods. Maybe he writes a “love letter” in MC’s hand and lures them to a remote area, sword ready and Utsusemi ready to gobble some plucked eyes. Either way, MC will be none the wiser. 

“Hm? The grocer disappeared? That is strange…so what’s for dinner, little lady?” 

Has no qualms being vocal about his jealousy (most of the time). If it strikes his nerve just right he’ll come out and say he doesn’t like XYZ and wants you to stop. Other times, you have to pay attention to when he is being bitchy and distant. 

If he could, he’d keep you locked away all to himself. He has real issues with love/ownership/things because of his childhood. He’s never known how to have things, especially not precious things. So how does he control himself? He knows it’s not right to keep you locked away, so instead, he controls what he can keep to himself. Your ears showing, your skin showing, your dango, your blush/pleasured expressions, your moans. He doesn’t want anyone else experiencing this stuff of yours. 

That being said, he WOULD 100% lock you the fuck up if you were down for it. He’d get you a pretty little ribbon to tie around your neck and a comfortable room with things to keep you occupied, he’d bring you your meals and feed you, he’d bathe you, he’d tie you up sometimes when he was feeling extra anxious. 

On the off-chance someone actually did hurt you, its game over. It doesn’t matter if they had their hands on you, they left a small wound/mark, or something worse–they’re dead. Saizo will go into autopilot and obliterate the person. Bloodbath. 

In his efforts to keep you safe, he sometimes loses his sense of what is right and wrong with control. At his worst, he WILL refuse to allow you to leave his sight. By any means necessary. 

Blocking exits. Tieing you up (he knows the best and most efficient ways to immobilize you in seconds). Drugging you (such as putting you to sleep). 

When he’s feeling extra insecure he’ll claim you for himself. Tear your clothes off and tease you until you admit he’s the only one you love. He’ll make you say his name over and over again, and hearing it will ease his worries. He may even be inclined to break his own rules and let someone hear him fucking you so they know you belong to him. 

If you’re out in public and he starts to get jealous, he’ll pull you roughly into a dark secluded corner or onto a rooftop and tease you, pull at your collar and grip your face so you can’t look away from his intense expression

“Keep this up little lady, and I’m going to have to punish you.” He nips at your exposed clavicle. “Or…was that what you were hoping for all along?” 

Out of spite and pure jealousy he would 10/10 fuck you in a space such as a person’s bedroom or work, or with an item of that person’s. A way to get back at them and know he’s claimed you there or while you were wearing that (like fucking you on top of someone’s haori or with a hairpin they gave you in your hair before he gave it back to them) and they will never know. 

Has NO PROBLEMS talking about having sex with you. As long as they don’t see you its chill. He will let it out that he just had your legs spread 10 minutes ago and smile. He’ll go into detail. Especially when someone is trying to intimidate him over you. 

“Sorry, she won’t be able to meet you tomorrow like she promised. She’ll be quite sore…if you get what I mean. She looks quite sweet and docile but don’t let that fool you, she’s a different person when the lights are off. It’s no myth some women are wild in bed when you least expect it. Some night she asks for it so many times I have to wake up and check for bruises ^^ well, anyway, look at me going on when I’m sure with a face like that all of this is completely foreign to you. Don’t be discouraged, someone always has to be the late bloomer on the branch, hm?”

Definitely has a mental list of all of the people he’s threatened or killed over you 

Sometimes Kiyohiro has to step in and warn people to GTFO and leave before Saizo ends up murdering them 

Has had the urge to kill Inuchiyo more than once LOL 

Sometimes uses his Kotodama when he’s jealous. 

Maybe it’s during an interrogation of the person trying to steal you from him or harm you. If they deny, he’ll use his power to get them to confess the truth before torturing them. Maybe they lose an appendage for every time they lied or stalked MC. 

He’ll use it to keep you near him, keep you still, after your life was threatened. He needs time to look over your body, check for injuries, make sure you’re okay and tell you how much each finger and tear mean the world to him. 

HATES WHEN OTHER MEN TOUCH YOU. It disgusts him if they had ill intentions and he hates to think that you had to endure that. He’ll order you to strip and ask you where they touched you. He’ll wash the areas himself and caress you with his hands. He’ll whisper in your ear how you belong to him, and kiss over the areas until his anxieties disappear and he feels like he can no longer smell them or feel their energy. He’ll dispose of what you were wearing in an effort to rid you both of the memory completely. 

#slbp #samurai love ballad party #saizo kirigakure #slbp saizo #slbp headcanons #my writing #this has some n~sfw #yandere #murder #jealousy #little lady speaks #catchthespade

[underwaterwoods]

so i saw the star war

spoilers ahoy

i guess this is just gonna be random bullet points

* i actually feel pretty chill about it. yay for being spoiled. also like.... if you ignore the ridiculous stuff there’s actually a lot to have fun with in this one. i don’t know how i’ll feel about it once i’ve processed it more. i just know i had fun while watching it, which i know isn’t true for everybody. i totally understand the negativity - it all makes sense to me. i’m just glad i sort of.... FORCED myself to have enough distance to just go in like ‘i’M PrepArED fOr wHAtEveR’

*i did like all the jumping around between locations in the first half and how ben would show up everywhere rey was. what a ‘you’re everywhere i go’ pairing. /chef’s kiss/. also having the different locations gives a sense of spaciousness (even if it’s all happening over a short period of time) which i missed in tlj.

*one of the things that gave me the most joy as the hux thing ??? X’’’D it was EXACTLY like that ‘the farce awakens’ ep where hux LITERALLY JOINS THE RESISTANCE cuz he can’t stand kylo. like what kind of fanfic...... how do the hux fans out there feel? (i really love the hux fans they’re a great bunch XD). shame that he was gone right after though.

* i actually enjoyed the trio dynamic? like i get the desire to move away from ‘trio mentality’ but the rey/poe tension with finn as mediator was fun. and finn and poe as joint generals? adorable. shame that the whole finn/poe thing got a bit clouded by.... stormpilot baiting and rose erasure and all the things... Also i’m not anti any character - i like zorii - but.... let poe stay a gay icon? i guess he can still be a queer icon it’s all good i’m down for whatever.

*speaking of finn.... loved seeing more of his humour back. didn’t love that there was no unpacking of how he feels taking out stormtroopers. but loved the found family of jannah and the other ex-stormtroopers. i feel like that gave SOME resolution/depth to finn’s origins. and finn being a non force user but seemingly super attuned to the force and its ways? i can roll with that.

*more speaking of finn... i wonder what they were doing with the ‘thing he wants to tell rey that he never gets to tell rey’. seems like an obvious ‘i love you’ thing. but at the same time we got reylo (/basks in that for a second/). it feels to me like throwing a bone to the finnrey people? like they didn’t get it in this movie but it could be a thing in the future? regaurdless, i did like how finn and rey were very connected and back to that loving friendship they had in tfa. we never quite got the ‘you have a force bond with the supreme leader?!!’ conversation but we got.... SOME conversation.

* speaking of the supreme leader... kinda love that we got renperor AND ben solo TM. i prefer to view ben more holistically (he is both ‘ben’ and ‘kylo’) but i get that making them two distinct identities was a helpful shortcut of sorts. he could ‘kill’ kylo and switch to being ben in a single scene. i always prefer Soft Boi Ben but if we were gonna get Bad Boy Kylo i’m glad they established it right out the gate. it was like ok, this is what to expect; this is where we’re at with this character. 

*ben with his costume change at the end....... omg. gave me BIG smuggler!Ben vibes. urgh, give me all the AUs. ben deserves more.

*the amount of swagger when he was fighting the KOR

*idk i feel like i’m not even touching on the big stuff. this was just a ‘get all my side thoughts out of my system’ post.

*adam’s smile after the kiss though......... ...  /the most beautiful thing in this world/

*truly iconic that people were right about the strategic, covert introduction of force healing via baby yoda like one month before tros.

*oh yeah it was wILD that so much of the imagery from the trailers/tv spots etc was in like the first five mintues of the movie ??? i totally assumed the ‘i have been every voice you’ve ever heard inside your head’ moment would be climactic rather than right up front

*oh yeah the vader mask.... that didn’t really mean anything in the end then did it?

* re: ben’s death. maybe it’s because i was braced for it but in some ways it’s the best way he could have gone. he was definitely happy and reunited with the light - both through love of rey and of his family. hIGHKey could have done with ben’s force ghost also appearing at the end? the only good thing about not seeing it is.... LF deciding to retcon his death ? ??XD obs they’re not gonna but if you want a crackpot silver lining there it is.

*what exactly does rey’s future look like, may i ask?

* oh yeah, Passing The Saber Through The Force. maybe my favourite moment. the force bond as a bare concept is so romantic to me i would watch a whole trilogy just exploring the magic system of that - it’s limitations and possibilities. 

* i do like that jj developed the visual style of the bond. we got to see them occupying the same space, the way each of them would be seeing the other (’can you see my surroundings, i can’t see yours, just you’)

*i miss that rian johnson sound editing on the bond though..... god, the iNTIMACY of the tlj bond scenes....

*’i DID want to take your hand’

*also just the word choice of ‘take your hand’/ ‘i offered you my hand’. it’s extremely marriage.

*there was also a moment in the hanger when ben was like ‘we’re one’ basically? he was saying it in the context of rey’s lineage but still...............the validation. one soul. 

*palps was like ‘you live and die together’ which made me REALLY think of skytalkers podcast. obviously assumed they would both have to LIVE together but.... /deep sigh/

*blah this could go on forever i’ll add more later

edit #1:

* OH YEAH! reverse anidala was such a thing! why did it have to be SO reverse anidala though? X’D instead of taking her life, he gives her his own. (i know it’s not clear anakin totally killed padme etc etc but ya feel me)

* ok i hate that ben died obvs obvs but, taking that for what it is, it was very romeo and juliet. i kinda love just the imagery of it. like... the physical blocking/choreography of adam getting daisy into his arms, holding her, then he falls and it’s her holding him. the way she catches his neck. really reminded me of the smoothness of the bridal carry. and rey’s flexed foot in that moment of shock. love the body language. back to that kind of ‘’staccato’’ rey of tfa days.

edit #2:

*lololol @ LF trying to establish how ‘bad’ kylo is by having him kill a bunch of people in the beginning. it was just.... Hot.

edit #3:

* rose deserves better. obviously. she looked so good though. i like that she had some moments with connix too. 

* ben called han ‘dad’......

*ben standing there, overlooking the waves, with his leG EXTENDED BEFORE HIM. wanderer above a sea of fog. wanderer above a sea of foggg.

* rey having compassion for the snake thing. we been knew. kinda nice to have it in there. obviously good set up for ~later force healing shenanigans~

* OH YEAH OH YEAH. i kept thinking about atla. i know people have been making comparisons to it from the start and i’ve been DEEPLY INTO those comparisons. but it was truly a blessing for me to remember.... there is a version of this out there that you love and that is Good Content TM. legit i can just go watch atla again to heal from this. omg yeah cuz REY HEALING HIS WOUND ALSO HEALED HIS SCAR. very crystal cave.......... nah but nah but - the ‘you are every jedi’ was EXTREMELY avatar-esk..... like, engage avatar state. i don’t like how it ended up being the same old conflict between jedi and sith - ‘good’ and ‘bad’ - OBVIOUSLY THE POINT IS TO INTEGRATE THE CONFLICTING PARTS OF SELF; THE SHADOW SIDE; TO TRANSCEND OLD DICHOTOMIES - but i did love hearing all the voices from past jedi. that’s some good ‘the ancestors are with you’ shit.

edit #4:

* i think the first thing we hear rey say is ‘be with me’? ngl i was like ‘pls be invoking the force bond’ X’D i am a clown. that was a beautiful shot though. and love that a version of the bond kicked in like two seconds after that. 

edit #5:

*there’s that bit where reylo are fighting on the death star ruins and he’s winning and rey kinda falls to her knees panting and lowkey defeated and, not to be a shallow bitch but..... it was Hot.

*also dark rey......... was HOT. SHE WAS SO KIRA, WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT MEANS, AND I WAS INTO IT LIKE HNGGGG

*obvs i wanted rey to be truly no one. but casting jodie comer as rey’s mum ? ????? urgh, pefection, i love it.

*palps was so random i stg..... his plan was.... convoluted to say the least. 

*also who was under all those hoods?

*the KOR just kinda... being around again was hilarious. no explaination required. the boys are back in town. ben facing them without a mask and essentially wearing his pjs? loved it. 

edit #6:

*seriously though ben’s redemption outfit.............. /heart eyes emoji into the sunset/.......... you can see his collar bone.............. /cares about the important things/.................

edit #7:

*one thing i loved about the reylo was how Space Wizards TM they both were in this movie. it so highlights their connection by making it clear that they are each other’s only peer. i thought it would be a thing of ‘why is the supreme leader constantly interacting with/going after this girl?’ but it’s not because it’s so clear that they are the only two people on each others’ level. no one would dare question the fact that they’re constantly circling each other in a lustful murderous rage.

#tros spoilers #tros reaction #3 #4 #5 #mtp #the rise of skywalker #star wars #this is messy as hell #just getting some thoughts down