#situation that would have been avoided had he actually been transparent. And to let him know i feel like i was trapped and maybe add how I

[hisunshiine]

—i kiss your waist and ease your mind [6/7]

Part 6 of 7 of the Seven Days Series ↣ series masterlist

🗓️pairing: nurse!jungkook x teacher!reader 🗓️au/genre: non-idol au, brother’s friend au, fwb, age-gap(reader is older), f2l, fluff, angst, smut 🗓️rating: M 🗓️wc: 6,323 + text message 🗓️warnings: angst, mentions of Gwangju Uprising, casualties from the Uprising, hospitals, argument, hurt feelings, minor character death, grief explicit sexual content: unprotected sex, creampie, grief/comfort sex?   🗓️an 0.5: WELL, THE POST WAS ACCIDENTALLY DELETED AND ONLY SHOWS IN CERTAIN SITUATIONS, SO I HAD TO RE-UPLOAD. 🗓️an: well, well, well…back again for some pain, are you? I would apologize for how this ends, but it’s necessary for the set up of the final day of the week, and truly, I think it makes the final day that much more better if we have to hurt a little bit more, right? Thank you for reading, and again, I appreciate my beta readers for all of their help!   🗓️summary: “i kiss your waist and ease your mind.” The only thing that could make you feel better is the same thing that made you feel worse. You and Jungkook are both confused with your emotions, but two different stories help you both see a bit more clearly. The only problem is that when the two of you get around each other, clarity goes bye-bye. don’t let these soft lyrics fool you; make up sex doesn’t actually solve any issues if sex is the only communication that happens.  

Taglist: @sizzlingfestpeach @mochminnie @jungkooksmytype @kookslastbutton @taebangtanbabe @bbtsficrecs @jk97bam it’s not letting me tag you (if joining the taglist, please think about reblogging with tags/leaving feedback!)

Last night could not have been any worse for Jungkook—well, he’s sure it could have—but luckily the worst that could’ve been, had not come to be. Today, however, is proving itself to be a challenge in its own right. Jungkook knew he had to work early in the morning, but was alright with going out last night because he was with you. 

Last night honestly had been turning into a great night—the way you had silently laid your claim to him at the club, possessive of him in a healthy way—Jungkook thought things were progressing in the right direction. And clearly, you did, too. Hell, he knew he was all over you last night. Knew that he was taking a huge risk in advancing the relationship past friends with benefits when he threw all caution out the window to kiss you like that in front of your friends, but at the time, Jungkook didn’t care. 

And now? Well, that would be a different story, seeing as now that several people know that you’re the one he’s been fucking every night, they might all think something more should come from this situation. Jungkook doesn’t know what to tell them if they ask, and he’s been avoiding Jimin every chance he gets during his shift so far, because he doesn’t really know what to say. He walks to the nurses station to grab his oversized water bottle, drinking several large gulps before being interrupted. 

“Jeon, we have a case that’s just moved over to us, can you help?” Park Soo-hyun, the head nurse for the shift, asks him. As he lowers the semi-transparent canister, he takes in her cotton candy pink hair, which is mussed in a few places; the corners of her eyes are pinched with stress.

“Yeah, no problem.” Jungkook sets the bottle back on the shelf, and follows the shorter Nurse Park down the hallway to the right of the nurses station and watches as she pauses at the elevators to press the call button. Jungkook slows his walk and raises an eyebrow at his fellow nurse. 

“Sorry, we need the help on another unit,” she shrugs, elbow extending her arm to pass Jungkook a slim tablet with the patient's info pulled up. 

“Honestly, that’s perfect.” Escaping to a different floor means almost zero percent chance of Jungkook running into Jimin, so he strolls into the elevator with no regrets. 

Jungkook scrolls past the general information to see just exactly what he’s dealing with as the metal carriage rises. 

His heart breaks a little when he sees that this case is a hospice care one—a focus on the quality of life at the end of it. He follows Nurse Park, barely noticing as he puts one foot after the other, approaching the room. There are several acronyms listed in bold to the left of the door. This clues him into the fact that the goal has shifted from treatment care to comfort. 

Jungkook sees a sleeping, elderly woman in the hospital bed closest to the window, her grey hair pulled away from her face in a short ponytail. Next to her side is a similarly (he assumes) aged man, holding her wrinkled hand in his own. It is a sight that tugs at Jungkook’s heart; he doesn’t usually struggle with the elderly, just small children who end up in this unit, but with how he’s currently feeling about you, he thinks it's impacting him more than he’s used to. 

“Mr. Kim? This is Nurse Jeon. He’ll be with you and your wife for most of today,” Soo-Hyun says kindly as she pats Jungkook’s back in a motherly nature. “Please let him know if you need anything, okay?” She passes Jungkook a small phone, which he pockets, and leaves him in the sunlit room. He steps closer, pulling up the doctor’s chair to sit; a small, rolling, cushioned stool in hospital green. He glances at their names on the whiteboard. Patient: Jung Min-Ji, Spouse: Kim Tae-Woo.

“Hi, Mr. Kim,” Jungkook starts, voice gentle and quiet so as not to disturb the sleeping woman.

“Hello,” Mr. Kim replies, voice weathered with time and wisdom. “We’re okay, son, you don’t need to sit with this old man.”

Jungkook is no stranger to the phrases the older generation tend to say when in this position. The feelings of being a burden on the hospital staff, guilt for brief thoughts blaming their loved one for being in this position, grief that they could possibly lose their loved one—they’re all valid emotions, and a lot for a person to bear. Especially an elderly man who appears to be carrying this weight alone. Instead of responding to his statement, Jungkook changes the topic. “How did the two of you meet?”

The man’s eyes sparkle to life as he looks at Jungkook’s eager face. “Oh, we’ve known each other since we were kids. She was the most beautiful girl in the village, and I was just some dumb kid who followed her around like a puppy. She’s older than me, you see, and I was the annoying little brother of her best friend.” He smiles fondly at her sleeping form, and Jungkook feels his chest grow tight. “She used to hate my guts. My friends and I would terrorize her and her friends, pull their ponytails, leave frogs in their backpacks, all the terrible things thirteen-year-old boys would do to pretty girls they were afraid to talk to.”

“No wonder she hated you, Mr. Kim!” Jungkook laughs. “I’m guessing you finally stopped tormenting her if she ended up married to you?” Jungkook points out.

“Yes, yes.” The man chortles fondly as he reminisces. “I finally grew up, and realized that treating her badly was not the way to her heart. A little too late, though. She ended up married to some other punk in the neighborhood. He wisened up a little faster than I did, told her how he felt one winter, and they were married by the time the cherry blossoms bloomed.” He sighs, and Jungkook tilts his head, questioning. “Oh, I was distraught. I couldn’t do anything about it, though, I realized that I missed my chance, busy playing games. I ended up married to one of her friends, and well, we spent the next fifteen years circling each other.”

“Wow, that must’ve been hard to deal with.” Jungkook can’t imagine being in his shoes. Or well, he can, but he doesn’t want to imagine that future for himself. Doesn’t want to see a future where he stands in suit and tie to take wedding photos, and it’s not you next to him in them.

“Oh, I loved her enough, my ex-wife, but I think she always knew deep down that she wasn’t…she wasn’t Min-Ji.” Jungkook can see his hand tighten imperceptibly around his wife’s frail one. “We never had kids, and when I came home from work one day to find her waiting with her things packed...I think I always knew that day would come.”

“So, how did you end up winning over Min-Ji?” Jungkook is intrigued by the man’s story. He doesn’t know what he would do in this situation.

“Oh, I wouldn’t call it that. She was thirty-two with a new-born daughter, and left a widow after the Gwangju Uprising. Her husband was one of the many lost that summer. I was freshly twenty-eight, newly single, with an empty house, and still in love with her. I stepped up as her friend, offering her and her daughter a place to live and slowly we became a family. I asked her to marry me a couple years later and she said yes.” Kim Tae-Woo’s eyes water, and even in the dimly lit room, Jungkook can see the love he has for the woman in front of him. 

“That’s an amazing story, Mr. Kim. I’m glad you found each other.”

“Oh, me too. She’s given me everything I never knew I wanted. Three children and the best forty-three years of my life. She’s my everything.” He turns back to Jungkook, a look on his face that he can’t read. “Do you have someone, Nurse Jeon? Someone you love more than your own life?”

The question throws Jungkook for a loop, because the whole time his patient’s spouse was telling their story, there was only one person who crossed his mind. You. He hesitates to answer, but Mr. Kim was honest with him, and Jungkook is sure that he can be vulnerable with this man, too. 

“Yeah, I think I do.”

—————

“Stop staring at your phone and moping, oh my god.” Yoongi rolls his eyes at your mood, whispering to Leah about how you’re the rain cloud following them around, ready to ruin the wedding tomorrow. 

You glance at the message one last time before locking your phone and stuffing it into your hoodie’s front pocket. 

You hate that you and Jungkook ended the night like you did, even more that he didn’t text you his usual morning text. The thumbs-up emoji haunted your dreams last night, and you barely slept, waking up throughout the night. The bags under your eyes reflect the nightmares, a fact your annoying little brother enjoyed pointing out when they picked you up at 10 AM.

-10 am flashback

“Shush Yoongi!” Leah berated him gently, “need I remind you how you looked after our almost break-up?”

“Hey! I thought we promised never to bring that up again!” Yoongi pouted the whole trip to the wedding venue for the final review of the plans. 

-end

You sit back in the chair, your head facing away from the floor-to-ceiling window of the wedding venue, wishing not for the first (or even second) time that things had gone down differently last night. Sorting through all of your feelings is a lot harder than you thought it would be. Especially with your brother’s looming nuptials while seated in a decorated wedding hall. 

“I’m not moping, jackass.” You pick at non-existent lint on the sleeve of your hoodie before tilting your head back and allowing the hood to fall off. “I just don’t know what to do with myself.”

“We’re almost done. Leah is just dropping off the last of the checks for the vendors, and we are running through the ‘Day-Of’ itinerary one last time with the planner. Then we can grab some lunch, and you can fill us in on the troubles running through that head of yours.”

“Sushi?” You make your eyes big and pout your bottom lip as you turn your head to look your brother in the face. He looks good; his hair is freshly done with an undercut cropped close to his head and the top layers falling in organized, chaotic layers. He has a healthy glow about him that screams ‘happy and in love’, that makes you feel wisps of green envy. His face breaks out into a smile, eyes disappearing in delight. 

“Of course, princess. Whatever you want, if it means you’ll be in a better mood.”

Hearing Yoongi call you ‘princess’ reminds you of Jungkook, and you turn away again, hiding your crestfallen look as Leah walks back into the room with the wedding planner. Yoongi leaves you to join his soon-to-be wife’s side, shaking hands with the wedding planner as they bid her goodbye and motion for you to meet them at the exit. 

Finally supplied with sustenance, you feel a little better as you chew and swallow the tempura-fried shrimp drizzled in spicy aioli sauce. Though that feeling dissipates a bit when Yoongi sets a deliberate gaze on you. 

“Spill it. I know you're moping about Jungkook, but what happened? Do I have to kill him?” he attempts to make you smile, but the joke falls flat with you today. 

“To be honest, it all happened really fast. One second we were good, really good. And then he just kind of shut down and called me a taxi and kicked me out at like 2 AM.”

“Wait, that dickhead kicked you out at 2 AM? I should fucking kill him! What if something had happened to you?” Yoongi’s ears are red and his eyes glint in anger. Leah reaches out a hand to soothe him as you speak quickly to do the same.

“Nothing happened to me. I’m a big girl, Yoongi. I’m pretty sure I said some hurtful things to him, and if the situation was reversed, I would’ve asked him to leave, too. If I had been a little more sober, I probably would’ve left on my own volition instead of getting into an argument.”

“If you don’t mind me asking,” Leah cuts in tentatively, “you do like Jungkook, right? Like not just as a friend?”

Your face says everything your mouth won’t as you shift in your seat. Leah nods knowingly, and Yoongi takes a deep breath. 

“Okay. You’ve already told Mom and Dad that you’re dating him or whatever, so what’s holding you back from taking that step with him if you like him so much?”

It takes everything in you to not cut your eyes at him. You see Leah cover her mouth; the mirth there doesn’t match the situation, but she can’t help but feel like her very smart and emotionally aware fiance is missing some important social factors. You don’t blame her for the smile, in fact, you welcome it, knowing full well that she gets it.

“What’s holding me back? Maybe that conversation with Mom earlier this week, where she nagged at me for being single and not giving her grandkids, and then when I told her I was seeing someone, she ridiculed Jungkook’s age? Or how about the fact that the stupid goth art teacher talked shit about how young Jungkook was?” You shake your head, defeated. “Everyone judges the relationship between me and Jungkook, before it’s even a relationship. So what happens when it is real?”

“What changed?” Leah’s brows are furrowed, and you can see her mind sorting through the information you’ve given, or lack thereof. “Something must have happened to make what you had going no longer work for either of you, right?”

You decide to trust them both and tell the truth of what happened.

“So after we left the club, we went back to his place since it was late. Taehyung, Jimin, and Hoseok are now fully aware that there’s something between me and Jungkook because he wasn’t exactly subtle. To be fair, I didn’t stop him either, so I guess if I’m being honest, we weren’t exactly subtle. We get back to his place, and it’s business as usual.” Yoongi grimaces as he reaches for his whiskey, downing the entire thing as you skim most of the sex, though a memory surfaces as you let the night replay in your mind. 

“Oh god!” You slap your hands to your face, covering your mouth. “I just remembered…I kind of let slip that I loved him while having sex,” you mumble into your hands, head dropping down in embarrassment. “And then right afterwards he’s receiving a ‘you up?’ text from SoHee—with a fucking topless picture!—and I just lost it. There was an argument, which I honestly can barely remember what was said. We were both so mad, you know?”

“Wow, no wonder you were mad. I’m guessing he didn’t say anything about your confession,” Leah questions, validating your feelings in a way that warms your heart. You definitely think you and your new sister-in-law (as of tomorrow) will get along great.

“No, he didn’t. And it’s not even that he has to say it back or anything, I didn’t say it for that reason, but the fact that we just had—”

“Please don’t say it again!” Yoongi interrupts.

“I wasn’t! Anyways, the fact that we just had such an intimate moment happen, and here comes SoHee texting Jungkook her perky tits asking if he’s awake? I know a booty call text when I see one.” 

“Wait, but you just said SoHee texted it to Jungkook, right?” Yoongi sits back, a quizzical look on his face. “So, he got a text from SoHee and you got jealous. But I’m gonna be that person right now and point out to you that technically, you and Jungkook aren’t together.”

“Yeah, thanks for stating the obvious,” you say with a roll of your eyes. “Anyways, we were in the bathroom,” you think back through the specifics. “His phone went off, and he set it down to dry my hair, and then it went off again. The message lit up his phone, so I saw the text from SoHee.”

“Sis, you know I love you, but I think you’re jumping to conclusions. It sounds like Jungkook was just the recipient of the messages, not necessarily the instigator. Guys can receive unsolicited tit pics just as much as women get dick pics. People just think all men are horny 24/7, but we also can feel uncomfortable in these situations. If we’re at work or start dating someone new, and an old flame sends us a ‘you up’ text or sends nudes? Not to mention, sometimes we just aren’t attracted to the people sending us stuff. It causes issues no one asked for.” 

Yoongi’s eyes show no malice as he speaks a truth you’re upset with yourself for not realizing in that drunken stupor, or even in the light of today. “Jungkook’s hot, you know? He could’ve just been the recipient of unsolicited nudes. He might actually get quite a few that he ignores, because that man is high-key in love with you.” 

“Honestly, I’ve seen you and Jungkook together, and I agree. Who cares what other people think, especially the ones who don’t know either of you well enough and shouldn’t matter enough to sway your happiness with each other.” Leah looks at Yoongi, and he takes her hand gently. “This wedding tomorrow will not be my first one, but it’s the one that matters the most to me. Your brother loves me on a level that I never knew was possible, thanks to my ex, and though our age gap isn’t as big as yours with Jungkook, I’m still older than him. Both of these are things your mom took issue with, but you know your brother.” She looks over to him with a fondness you understand. It’s how you look at Jungkook. “The only thing that matters is what you and Jungkook want. I know it’s not easy, but it’s infinitely worth it.”

By the time Jungkook finishes a sponge-bath and documents the care Min-Ji received during this time, he realizes it’s past the typical lunch time and that the husband has yet to eat. The three children he mentioned live on the other side of the country, but are traveling now to be with their parents. He had hoped they would arrive earlier with the promised food Mr. Kim is waiting for, but Jungkook insists he get something to hold the man over for the time being. He reminds him of which buttons to press to contact the phone in Jungkook’s pocket, then heads to the canteen.

The employees share the cafeteria area with the visiting families of patients, and it is bustling quite a bit as Jungkook exits the elevators straight into the lobby of the cafe. To the left, the room extends into a seating area once past the cashier lines, and Jungkook sees the moment SoHee spots him through the crowd. 

He’s tired of hiding from people—tired of hiding from his feelings, really—so he decides not to run away this time. If SoHee decides to talk about the messages she sent last night, he will address it and let her down easily. They’re still friends, in Jungkook’s mind, so he smiles at her as she approaches him, soft pink scrubs swishing lightly from her quick steps.

“I am so excited about the wedding tomorrow!”

Jungkook can tell; her smile is glowing. Once upon a time, he might’ve been enthralled by it, it’s still a beautiful smile, and it sucks to know that he might be the reason it fades in a few moments.

“Yeah, me too. I actually wanted to talk to you about it.”

“Yes, that’s why I came over here, in fact, so we could finish coordinating and—”

“SoHee, wait.” Jungkook knows he’s being rude, cutting her off, but the longer she stands there, grinning up at him like that, the more his chest feels tight. “I can’t be your date for the wedding.”

As he predicted, the rosy apples of SoHee’s cheeks lower along with her smile as she processes his words.

“I don’t think I understand?” She's polite as she speaks, head quirked to the side as if showcasing her confusion, but Jungkook is no fool to the glint of a woman’s eye as she braces for battle. 

“I know that it took me a lot longer than I promised to get back to you about this, but I’ve only just figured things out myself, and I just don’t want to string you along.”

“What have you been doing then, if not stringing me along?” SoHee crosses her arms across her chest, stance shifting to one of defensiveness. “I’m not trying to be a bitch, Jungkook, but from my point of view, it kind of seems like you’ve been doing exactly what you claim you don’t want to do.”

Jungkook sighs, restraining himself from rolling his eyes at her words and tone. He can’t help but feel that SoHee is being a bit dramatic—it’s not like he was the one who started all this wedding date talk, and he never even agreed to be her date! He did put off turning her down, but she’s the one who texted him to say he didn’t need to feel obligated to take her. And then she sends nudes and a booty-call text message at the worst possible moment last night and wants to get mad at him?

“Look, SoHee, I know that you probably feel like I’m the bad guy in this, but—”

“You’re an asshole, Jungkook.” SoHee’s voice carries a little too well, and other nurses standing nearby tune into the conversation. He really hates public confrontation like this, especially when he didn’t do anything wrong, and yet, here he is dealing with this bullshit.

Jungkook doesn’t mean the words he says in the way that they come out, but he feels cornered. “What do you want me to say, SoHee? ‘I’m sorry that I like somebody else’? Or possibly, I’m sorry that you sending me nudes I never asked for at 2 AM fucked up my relationship?” He probably could’ve said it with a little less attitude, probably should’ve held back from the second example, especially when he sees the way SoHee’s eyes begin to fill with tears as she looks at all of the gawking bystanders. One of the other nurses walks over and places an arm around SoHee’s shoulder, glaring daggers at Jungkook as if willing him to keel over on the glossy linoleum. 

“You really are an asshole, Jeon. Why would you say that to someone, in front of a crowd? You have no tact.” 

Jungkook is about to fire back at the other woman, but a hand on his shoulder reigns him back in despite his blood continuing to boil.

“Janice, why don’t you escort SoHee to the employee lounge for a bit? I’ll have a chat with Jungkook here.”

Frozen eyes sending a final chilling glare, the women disappear as Jungkook finally moves through the cafe line to the cashier, Jin following quietly. He continues to shadow Jungkook as he makes his way back to the palliative care and hospice unit to deliver the food. As he rounds the doorway, he sees that the patient’s adult children have arrived, a few grandchildren as well. 

To his surprise, Min-Ji is awake, but this only makes him worry about what’s to come. He sets the food to the side, greeting the members of Min-Ji’s family as he does a quick check of Min-Ji’s breathing. The pattern appears abnormal—though normal for someone approaching the end of life. He’s glad her family made it in time to see her; he knows that before the day is out, possibly even before his shift ends, she’ll quietly cross the veil.

Jungkook slips back out of the room to give the family some privacy, and to meet with Jin, who he knows is waiting for him. The two men walk to a nearby empty nurses’ desk, and Jungkook waits expectantly for Jin to speak. 

“Well, that went swimmingly.”

“All thanks to you, my friend,” Jungkook responds snidely, “not only is SoHee mad at me, I’m also not talking to You-Know-Who right now because of a pretty serious fight we had last night.”

“Calm down, she’s not Voldemort,” Seokjin snorts out. “But you two fought about something serious?”

“Yeah…She was at my place last night and saw a series of messages from SoHee that included a nude. She kind of went spastic on me, accusing me of requesting the nudes from SoHee after having sex with her because I’m ‘too young’ to behave any differently. I honestly was so angry, I called her a taxi and sent her home.” 

Seokjin blinks at Jungkook dumbfoundedly before speaking. “Maybe if you’d already told our dear friend you’re banging his sister, and then told her that you want to date her, none of this would have even been able to happen.”

“This advice would’ve been better than encouraging SoHee’s imagination,” Jungkook grumbles out, though his voice takes a softer tone when he says your name as he continues, “if she had wanted to date her brother’s youngest friend, I think she would’ve said something by now.”  The condescension towards the age gap is laced through every word. Seokjin ponders his words before speaking his point of view.

“You know, I think that maybe the two of you put too much weight on this age gap. Even now, you’re taking on this submissive role, waiting for her to tell you or make the first move. But let me tell you a little something about women. No matter their age, they want someone who isn’t afraid to want them back. And you, my friend, are shaking in your scrubs.”  

“I’m not scared,” Jungkook instantly defends, but even he can hear the lie whistle through his teeth.

“Then why are you waiting for her to make all the decisions? Why haven’t you had an adult conversation, sat her down, and told her what you wanted for a change?”

“Because I—” Jungkook pauses, unsure of how to answer. In all realness, he is scared. He enjoys what the two of you have going on, and he worries that if he speaks up for what he wants, if he asks you to change the friends-with-benefits status to something real…being incinerated by the sun after being lit on fire by jet engine fuel would hurt less than the hypothetical rejection he fears. 

Seokjin just gives him a knowing look, his eyes soft with empathy for his younger friend's dilemma. “Just talk to her. Show her you want her, and not just in a friends-with-benefits way.” He once again gives Jungkook that knowing look. “Tomorrow is the perfect opportunity to clear the air. Everyone loves a good wedding.”

“Except SoHee is also going to be there.”

Seokjin curses lowly under his breath and is about to say more when Jungkook’s phone begins to emit a shrill tone for attention. The two men silently make their way back to Min-Ji’s room, knowing that if the phone is ringing, it’s not for any good reason.

It’s been a long day full of revelations. The long talk with your brother and his soon-to-be wife has left you feeling drained and empty. Sitting on your couch, you open up the app to order food from your favorite takeout place barely a block away. Carelessly, you reorder the last meal you placed before slumping backwards into the plush cushions. 

Now that you’ve ordered, you really wish you had chosen delivery, like the lazy ass you want to be, but it’s not that far from your place. You close your eyes for what feels like a moment, but an alert jerks you out of the light slumber you’d slipped into. Your food is ready to be picked up. Sighing, you rock back then forward to lift yourself from the sunken spot on your comfortable couch and shrug on Jungkook’s hoodie for the trek. 

The weather teases a light rainfall, the petrichor scent enveloping you as you quicken your steps through the glass door of the establishment. Approaching the counter, the cashier recognizes you and pulls your order—two plastic bags with a brown paper bag inside each full of steaming hot food.

Checking the receipt stapled to the first bag, you see that you’ve accidentally ordered twice as much food; your last placed order was a meal for two, and the extra food? Jungkook’s favorite dishes from here. With resignation, you grab both bags, attempting to balance them on each forearm and use your foot to push open the door, but the door swings open as a man with an umbrella steps through. 

Jungkook says your name as if it's a curse and a prayer, sidestepping back onto the sidewalk to hold the door for you to exit. You thank him, fully intending to keep walking past him, but he follows you instinctively. 

“Let me help,” he says, his hand reaching out to grab one of the bags, and like muscle memory, you allow it, both of you walking in tandem until you reach your place. Unlocking the front door, he follows you in if only to set down the bag, but you stop him with a hand to his wrist before he can leave. 

“I, uh, accidentally ordered your favorites when I rushed my last reorder. You can have it, if you want. I can’t eat all of this.”

Jungkook just shrugs, and you finally notice how he looks. It’s not good—well, he always looks good; he can pull off anything. It’s more so that he doesn’t look well; his face is pale, eyes listless and devoid of any joy, parts of his face a bright red from being picked at. It’s one of his habits you’re well aware of, like when he bites his nails when nervous. Reaching into the bag, you lift out the container and pass it to him along with napkins and utensils. Taking the food from you, he steps into your living room, plopping down onto your couch as if muscle memory has taken over, he takes off the lid and begins the motions of eating the meal.

Your own thoughts are racing, unsure of what to do or say, so you just say nothing, instead pouring two glasses of water and delivering them to the coffee table before going back for your food. You end up sitting on the smaller couch, the corner closest to where he sits on the larger couch. The room fills with the sounds of you eating, an awkwardness that never used to be there lingering in the air. Your eyes flit from your food to Jungkook’s slow movements, so after you swallow your most recent bite, you take a sip of water before speaking.

“Is everything okay, Jungkook?” The urge to call him ‘baby’—to cuddle him to you and comfort him—is strong, but you resist.

His hand moves the food around a bit, and you watch him as he gathers himself to reply. It feels like hours, but he finally looks at you. “Yeah, I just had a really hard case today. It was a hospice patient, and I spent most of the day with her husband. Well, second husband—but the love of her life, I’m sure.” 

“Oh,” you don’t know what to say; you’re not really sure what made the case so hard, so you wait for Jungkook to elaborate.

“They, uh, knew each other for a long time, since they were kids, you know? But he was the younger brother of her best friend, and she married someone else before he worked up the courage to pursue her. He ended up married to one of her friends instead, but she left him. He said his first wife knew that no one could compete with the girl he actually loved. So when the first husband died in the Gwangju Uprising, leaving her a single mom with a small baby, he stepped in to provide them with a place to live and just help out, but they ended up together eventually and they have a big family.” Jungkook’s eyes look back at his food, a bit teary. “I met their kids and grandkids. They arrived right before she—” he clears his throat, but a small tear sneaks down his cheek.

You reach out for him, pulling the food from his hands and placing it on the table. You scoot closer to him, taking his hands into yours as he looks down at where the two of you connect. He sniffles, trying to stabilize his voice before he continues with his story.

“They arrived right before she passed. She’d been asleep the whole time I was there with her husband, but once everyone arrived, she woke up and was talking to them all, told them she loved them one last time, and then she just…slipped away. I don’t think I can ever forget the sound her husband made as he cried.”

“Oh, Jungkook…” unable to bear it, you join him on the same couch, holding him close to you as he cries. Your own eyes are wet; something about this couple’s story resonates with you after everything that you’ve experienced today.

“I can’t imagine going through that,” Jungkook says with a wobbly voice. “Losing the person that you love the most in the world? I mean, he almost avoided having to go through this, she married someone else! And the chance comes around for him to be with her and he takes it, but the way he cried when he lost her…I’m not sure it’s worth it in the end.” 

His words cut like a knife to your heart. You want to remind him of the good that he told in the story, how the couple had a large family, how the wife was surrounded by the evidence of their love when she died. How the man taking that second chance meant a single mom and her baby had a better life—that anguish he felt when he lost her was because they shared a love like no other. To you, it’s always worth it. 

Instead of saying what you want to say, you ask him what he needs. And those beautiful teary eyes look up at you and he whispers one word; “You,” and you’re unable to say no to him. Not when his lips meet yours with a desperation that you can’t begin to decipher, not when his hands pull you closer, and he clings to you like a lifeline, and definitely not when he sighs out your name against your lips, as if the simple utterance fills him with solace and relief of all that ails him.

His strong hands relieve you of your clothing as his lips remain fervently attached to yours. You relish in the feel of him as your naked form meets his own body, skin to skin, while he lays you back onto the couch. His kiss leaves you dazed; you have no idea how long it took for you both to end up naked, and by the time the question is flying through your mind, Jungkook is already nestled between your thighs, his cock hard and throbbing pressed against your lower stomach and your ankles crossed at his lower back.

When he pulls away slightly—reaching to line himself up with your slick opening—you bite his bottom lip where it was resting against your own, and the sensation causes him to surge his hips forward, fucking himself deep inside you. The intrusion is orgasmic, stretching you to a fullness you only experience when he doesn’t take time to prep you. Jungkook is needy, fraught with a raw emotion he can’t yet put words to, but his body can.

With each stroke, he finds comfort, the grip of your walls building the friction to a pleasurable high that he wants to drown in. Is there anything better to ease his mind than to be buried inside of you? He knows you're close, can feel the way you quicken—hurtling towards climax as you dig your nails into his back and cry out his name. Your body wrapped around him brings him a level of peacefulness that allows his mind to empty and his heavy cock to release thick spurts of cum until you're full and leaking around his softening member. 

You lay underneath him, holding him close as his chest rises and falls, and he peppers kisses along your shoulder. His movements are slow and you can feel the effects of the day taking over and pulling him into sleep. He slides his body so that the two of you are back to front, him curling around you as the big spoon. He grasps the blanket you keep across the top of the couch and attempts to cover you both, but you take over for him. 

He drops his arm around your waist, pulling you closer to his chest as he kisses the back of your head once more. 

“I’m sorry, Princess,” he mutters before he’s softly snoring, and you lay there in his embrace, contemplating what his apology could be for. 

Was he apologizing for sending you home last night? For that thumbs up he sent that ruined your day? Because he feels bad that he only made you cum once after using your body to make himself feel better?  It’s only when you’re about to drift off that you remember his words about his patient, and your mind wonders if his apology is telling you sorry because he can’t give you what you want the most. Himself.

stay tuned for “i’ll be loving you right, seven days a week” coming 9-?-2023!

↣all rights reserved © hisunshiine 2023. please do not repost. translations & modifications are not allowed.

#bangtansorciere #bangtanbathhouse #clubzerooclock #bangtanwhq #thebtswritersclub #jungkook x reader #jungkook smut #jungkook angst #jungkook fluff #jungkook au #jungkook writings #jungkook fic #jungkook fanfiction #bts imagines #bts #bts reactions #bts fanfic #bts fanfiction #bts scenarios #bts x reader #bts smut #bts au #bts angst #bts fluff #hisunshiine writings #seven days series

[cyclone-rachel]

Alex is alone.

Of course, in the middle of the day the DEO is not empty. There are still agents present, walking through the command center, busy doing research, etcetera.

But none of them are close to Director Danvers, Querl notes as he walks in, toward her. Nobody seems to notice her, standing with her arms resting on the table, her hands fidgeting with something. Nobody sees the look in her eyes, no doubt remembering a time when other people she trusted stood around the table with her.

Querl has studied the records- he knows who else has been here. The former director, J’onn- who she seemed to consider a second father. Her own father, Jeremiah, before she knew who he was truly working alongside. Winn, for a time. Others have come in and out, like her ex-girlfriend Maggie, and even Mon-El and Imra, along with himself before he knew his stay in this century was indefinite. She misses all of them, he’s sure.

But he knows there is one she’s specifically thinking of. One she was supposed to protect, who became her strongest ally when she learned of the organization’s existence. One who she would literally not be here without.

One who, now, has been forced out, though not by any fault of her own.

(“From now on, the DEO will require full transparency from all of its assets”, Haley had said. How much longer until his own identity was under scrutiny as well?)

That, however, was a lower priority. And he would, theoretically, have time to plan for a way around it.

This… he hadn’t calculated. Even when Lockwood was shouting at her, he hadn’t considered it would lead to the President arriving at the DEO, asking that Kara reveal her secret.

And yet that was exactly what had happened.

He didn’t blame Kara for her decision, and he expected Alex didn’t either. It still hurt, however.

So it was with that in mind, that Querl approaches her, and as much as he could say in that moment, nothing seems adequate for the situation.

Instead, he simply places a hand on her shoulder, and she looks at it briefly before gently patting his hand, and letting out a sigh.

“Thanks.” She says.

“Of course.” He answers. “I’m sorry.”

“Me too.” She tells him. “I tried to prevent it…”

“I know. But…”

Alex lets out a sigh again.

“You probably saw this whole thing coming, didn’t you?”

Her tone is more accusatory, and takes him back- mentally, at least- to a time when she would have never let him put his hand on her shoulder, or get as close to her in any way as they are right now.

“No, actually.” He says. “Not these specific circumstances.”

Alex nods.

“So I guess you don’t know what we should do next.”

“No, that much is clear.” He says. “We keep helping Supergirl, as much as we can. Like you always have.”

She smiles, just a little bit, when she finally turns to look at him.

“Like we have.” She corrects. “That, I can agree with.”

He smiles back, just as briefly, before continuing.

“What is she doing now?”

“She said she was going on vacation, visiting her cousin and Lois Lane on their family farm for the holidays.” Alex answers. “I certainly don’t blame her. If it was me… well, I’d certainly want to take a vacation too, but I don’t think I could have shown that much restraint.”

Restraint is practically second nature for me, he thinks, the inhibitors holding back how strongly he feels about their current predicament, but considers that such a statement would sound like bragging, so he avoids it.

(He also avoids any comments about hopefully getting to meet Superman and his soon-to-be wife, because those would definitely be insensitive in this circumstance.)

“Me neither.” He says, attempting to reassure her. “Then I suppose we should plan for what may happen when she returns- Agent Liberty getting out of prison, if the protesters on television have their way, or any number of new rules Haley could impose on the DEO.”

“Yeah.” Alex answers. “Somewhere other than here, though.”

“In private. Indeed- lead on, Director.”

She looks more confident now, as she begins to stride away, and in what is becoming a habit for them now, he follows soon behind.

“Certainly, Agent Dox.”

#supergirl #brainiac 5 #querl dox #alex danvers #brotp: she's awkward he's annoying #i missed them #and i wanted to do something based on the deleted scene from the end of 4x08 #so here we are #i hope it's good #fanfics #minifics

[rjschocolate]

This is an idea I had for a wolfstar oneshot, it's all fluff.

Remus and Sirius just moved in together, this is the first time Sirius comes home to Remus, obviously, he has a freak out.

Sirius throws his shoes off as he calls, to his freshly moved in boyfriend, "Hi, I'm home!"

This is a big step and they've postponed for a while now, trying not to get anything wrong, trying to keep the relationship healthy as much as possible. Sirius can't remember the amount of times he thought "what if he doesn't like me once he sees me every day?".

At some point he got bored of it and asked Remus to move in, and three days later, he was there, with all of his books and jumpers and tea cravings and his soft smiles, swelling his boyfriend heart. He got Sirius to go grocery shopping because "you don't have any of the good ones, love".

He walks down the hallway towards the open space kitchen, excited he got home from work.

Remus smiles at him, "I made you tea, it's already too late for-" he can't finish his sentence before Sirius hides behind the wall separating the kitchen and hallway.

As much as he tries to act nonchalant and the mysterious type, sometimes he just fails. Sirius is more transparent than the cleanest glass in the world. How could he bare the image of Remus, leaned on the kitchen counter -their counter- with a mug of steaming tea in hand, smiling at him as he always is? How could he control his legs to not carry him away? How could he not shut his eyes closed as he feels his face heat up?

This is absolutely ridiculous, Sirius is hiding behind a wall, from Remus, because... Yes, this is ridiculous. Absolutely not punk rock. It isn't right.

He somehow knew this day would come, one day when he'll get so flustered he'll run out of the room, but he had hoped it wouldn't have been so soon as now. As today.

"Sirius? Are you okay?" Remus's voice is full of concern, as he walks towards him. As soon as he stops in front of him, Sirius wants to disappear into thin air. He's humiliating himself, and he's doing an incredible job even, as always.

Remus leans closer and closer, faces inches apart. He always does that. You'd think the big grumpy Remus Lupin is reserved and even emotionally unavailable, but he's so touch starved, all the time, he can't resist getting close to Sirius, like two magnets. But today it's a very weird day, because Sirius slides down and avoids Remus's arm and he looks like he's ready to sprint in two seconds.

He doesn't. If he'd sprint now he'd break a record, "Longest humiliating session in the whole world".

"Am I doing anything wrong?" Remus looks a bit skeptical and more confused. He can't understand why his boyfriend is running away from him, let alone avoid he's presence or touch. Sirius is clingy and likes cuddles. Remus is going on an overthinking spiral, as always, as Sirius is trying to find a way to explain without embarrassing himself more.

He goes into the kitchen and picks up the mug of tea, of his favorite, because of course Remus would know his favorite tea, they're in a committed relationship, and gulps down half of it. Humiliating yourself with such success takes energy from you.

"It's not your fault.." He tries to find the best words to get out of this situation, but he's incapable. What would he say? "Oh, Moony, I literally got brain damage and probably a vein just burst in my head just by looking at you, so I ran away from you, it's simple, see? Not your fault at all." Yeah, no, absolutely not saying that.

Sirius sighs, Remus sighs as well. The taller boy has begun to look even more concerned as he tries to take a step towards Sirius and he takes one behind.

"Okay, let's stop this. What's wrong?" Remus stops in his tracks and crosses his arm over his chest. This is ridiculous. He actually has to physically chase his boyfriend?

"I- you see... Uh... Fuck."

"I can see from the day I was born. Spill it, what's wrong." He looks more and more worried about Sirius.

"I- I'm sorry, you just looked.." He breathes out slowly, he can say this, he always compliments his Moony, his Moony is beautiful and talented and amazing and pretty and hot and all the good things in the world. He says three of these per hour.

"I looked like what? A mummy? A ghost?" Remus has unfolded his arms and is now again leaned against the counter, because why wouldn't it be fun to try and kill Sirius today?

"No!" He hurries to correct and maybe a bit aggressively in tone, yes, but everything is escalating very quickly. Irritation bubbles in his throat, at himself, at how unfair life is in this moment, who knows, "Can't you just stop being yourself for two seconds, you're nearly killing me here!"

All Remus does is fold his arms back and frown. Stupid hot wanker 'frowner'.

"You looked good, okay?! And I- I got a bit flustered or something, I don't know!" He gulps the rest of his tea. Realization comes to his boyfriend's face, a sly smile forming on those lips.

"Oh, Sirius..."

In the next two seconds, Sirius is buried in Remus's arms, and he does nothing but bury his face further in his chest.

Remus pulls away enough to look at him and lifts his chin up. "You don't have to run when you feel like that, it's okay." A kiss arrives on his nose. "But if it helps," another kiss on his forehead, "you can do that, but I prefer you not." He smiles down at him as he leans closer again, lips almost touching. "You're sweet."

They share a long soft kiss, to Sirius's excitement.

All of the embarrassment and overthinking is long forgotten. A deep feeling of gratitude settles in Sirius's heart.

"Kiss me again."He reaches up with both his hands and tugs down at his Moony's neck. His moony is beautiful, and perfect and everything he could ever ask for.

His Moony also kisses him again.

#wolfstar fanfiction #marauders #sirius being sirius #remus loves sirius #wolfstar #idiots in love #remus being remus #sirius loves remus #wolfstar fluff

[jeffchats]

The Karate event in Dubai is on April 20th. Obviously the organisers will be paying for Mike and Jeffs flights and hotels, Jeffs paying for Verica to come from Australia, she won’t pay for her own ticket. To me it makes sense as to why she’s going to Dubai, I mean Jeffs flying 15 hours half way around the world anyway so they can meet in the middle. If he flew all that way and didn’t see her it would be strange.

Also does anyone else think this is all to quick, they literally met for the first time less than 3 weeks ago on 23rd March. After the Tana pod he had his reservations about her but now he’s changed his tune? What 34 year old spends less than 2 weeks dating a girl a decade younger him & then decides to be official after barely knowing each other? There’s more to a relationship than just finding each other physically attractive.

Deep down I think regardless of how Jeff feels about her, he’s in a position where he can’t pump the brakes and take things slower or tell her we need to be friends first as this is so public. He’s in a catch 22 situation where if he did cool things off people would think he’s a jerk and would get hell from h3 audience & upset Verica . And if he continues this situationship he feels pressure to show its going well and to keep Verica happy as it’s obvious she has way stronger feelings for Jeff. Jeffs got himself in a really fucked up position where he can’t be transparent and honest about his feelings. Dammed if he does, dammed if he doesn’t… but its his mess & his decision making from the start, so idk, Jeffs made his bed now he has to lie in it right?

Jeff is a fucking moron to think he needs to please H3, their fans, or his fans at the expense of someone else or himself. It's a fucking fan dating show, people expect it not to work out. He made his bed but he definitely will not sleep in it.

Instead of being honest, he's going to further dig himself into a hole that will make him look like more of an asshole. If he was honest from the start and actually discussed his reservations and why he's so hesitant, people would understand. Instead he wants to talk about it to some 20 year old influencer who is known for clout farming (Tana)? People wouldn't be surprised if it didn't work out with a FAN. His need to kiss ass and be validated by people who probably do not care for him as much as he thinks they do will contribute to his downfall. Let's face it, his career has not been great. He can be transparent and honest but he doesn't have the balls to so what does he do? Clout chase for a quick buck at the expense of his reputation and career.

He is fun using Verica for clicks and literally telling Tana he was unsure AND allowed it to be posted in the video after the week he spent with her? Now he's pulling the mental health card? Cry me a fucking river. He could have avoided all of those comments had he cut it out of the video if his feelings changed but no he chose to leave it in there and get people to talk. He's banning people on Reddit but why isn't he deleting that post discussing his feelings? HE KNOWS IT'LL RESULT IN CLICKS. Views = money. How do you think he's going to fund Verica's economy ticket to Dubai? Using his audience. The mental health card annoys me because Jeff has all the resources or much more resources than the average person to seek help and get it. Does he do it? No, he chooses to abuse sleeping pills and get rid of therapist because he doesn't like his hairstyle. He sounds like an idiot. People struggle to even get health insurance and I don't feel bad for someone who has resources and chooses not to access them yet complain on the internet that his mental health is bad.

[c-rose2081]

The Bench (Broken Moon)

*dark themes warning*

—

—

-

Zed didn’t realize how illusive Addison Wells actually was.

He’d looked for her after their short conversation in the cafeteria, but she was either avoiding him like the plague, or had simply vanished into thin air. The girl was nowhere to be found, and Zed wondered where exactly she ended up. Of course, the minute he wasn’t looking for her is when she decided to appear. Except it was hardly in the way he was expecting.

There wasn’t any sort of homeless problem in Seabrook. If something happened, you were supported — monsters and human alike. So seeing someone sleeping at a bus stop in the middle of a rainstorm was kinda uncommon, if not completely unheard of. Zed was already soaked, having missed his ride on the activities bus which took him back to Zombietown after football practice. So he chose to walk instead, which wasn’t bad until the clouds rolled in.

It was an early night in the storm, and he’d been hurrying to reach home when he ran right past the bench and immediately skidded to a stop. His old cleats scraped against the wet pavement as he halted his jaunt down the road, and in the light of a streetlamp he goggled back at the girl he had spent the last day trying to find.

Addison was snoozing on a bench in the middle of the storm, either unbothered by the cold and wet, or so tired to the point where she no longer cared. Her white hair cascaded in soaked rivulets through the bench’s narrow slats, picking up mud from the pavement below. Her clothing was all but transparent from the rain, and she had nothing else on her but the threadbare outfit (one that clearly wasn’t made for stormy weather). She had no backpack or bag, no phone, and no jacket of any kind. It was just her in the middle of a storm, dressed for summer weather and looking half-dead in the lamplight.

Zed hesitated and reached for his phone. He should just call someone…someone better suited to handle whatever this situation was. The human police or the z-patrol or something. But he dropped his hand in the end, taking a few small steps closer to the comatose teenager. Now, leaning over her, Zed noticed something he hadn’t before.

Scars.

Deep, ragged, painful looking scars. They were huge and a bit hard to miss, what with how they curled from under her shirt, up the side of her neck and through the underside of her jaw. They were well faded — clearly old wounds that she’d had for (assuming) most of her life — but they still made him cringe nonetheless. He couldn’t imagine what sort of accident would leave marks like that, let alone how painful it must’ve been to endure. How he hadn’t seen them when they talked yesterday, Zed wasn’t entirely sure. But then, he’d also been very distracted by Addison’s beautiful eyes and face to be staring anywhere else.

Shaking the intrusive thoughts away and scoffing (now wasn’t the time), Zed hesitantly inched forward a bit more to observe. The girl was thin — far smaller then she should’ve been — and Zed frowned deeply. Her family was gone; she had no one taking care of her as far as he knew. Did she have food at home? Hell, did she even have a home to go too now? Seabrook wasn’t keen on having open real estate sitting around, so if a house was empty it was sold just as fast.

“Hey.”

Zed spoke up, voice croaking from shouting all through football practice, “hey, Addison.”

No response.

Pursing his lips, Zed inched closer. He didn’t want to touch her, but he also had no idea if she was even breathing. He couldn’t see if her chest was moving, what with how limply she was laid across her side. The thought of having come across a…a body…made him want to be sick, and he very slowly reached down to check for a pulse. Despite her skin being the same temperature as ice, there was a heartbeat. It felt normal, but Zed wasn’t a doctor, or even a good student in health class.

The hand suddenly grabbing his z-band startled him.

He physically jumped in surprise as his arm was yanked and he ended up on the ground. At first, Zed thought maybe he’d been pushed from behind, rather then body slammed arm first. But when he looked up, there was only Addison. She was haloed in the streetlamp, and for a very brief second she looked completely feral. Glowing eyes, teeth and claws, fur and ears. But he must’ve imagined it, because the next she was just a sickly girl staring down at him in shock.

“…h-hi…” he managed, “sorry, I-I just had to check if you were…”

He trailed off. Addison was staring at him blankly, like she had no idea who he was to begin with. Actually, it looked like she had no idea where she was either, glancing around in confusion, her breathing hard and fast out of fear.

“Addison,” he said, drawing her attention back to him. She at least knew her name…that was a good thing, right? “are you ok?”

Stupid question, because clearly she wasn’t ok. But hey, at least he asked.

“I…” her voice was broken, more so than his, as though she’d been screaming endlessly for days, “I don’t…know…?”

“You don’t know if you’re ok?” Zed puzzled in worry. Maybe she’d fallen and smacked her head on the sidewalk? A hit and run resulting in a concussion, perhaps? No. Not possible. That sort of thing felt off brand for Seabrook. It was a safe place to live, Zombies aside.

Addison sat up with a wince, looking more and more pained with every movement. She opened her palms to glance at her hands, then once again at her surroundings. She still had no idea where she was — Zed could see it in her eyes. He once again thought about calling someone, but something inside stopped him. He was now leaning more and more towards the ‘possibly hit by a car’ theory, which felt wild, but he’d never seen anyone so disoriented before (and he played football for god’s sake).

“Do you have someone I can call?” He wondered, once again wanting to hit himself for the stupid question the minute it left his mouth. Her parents were dead, idiot, who was she going to call?

“…no…” she managed, “no I…I should…” the girl moved to stand, only to instantly fall off the curb in something similar to a faint. Zed scrambled from his place on the street to catch her, using his body to keep hers from hitting the pavement. Enough damage had already been done, and he still had no idea what happened to leave her this way. But, seeing as he was already neck deep in the situation, Zed couldn’t go back on it now.

“Let’s get you someplace safe, kay?” He told her, grasping the girls arms with his hands, “Addison,” he insisted, having to nearly bark to get her attention back on him, “do you remember me?”

“…I think…” she nodded, only to pause and think for a very long second before answering, “Zed? You’re Zed, from…from school, right?”

“Yes. Ok, that’s…that’s better, I guess,” He mumbled to himself, grunting as he hoisted both himself and Addison up off the wet pavement, “come on, we’ll get you out of this weather.”

“It’s raining,” she mused to him, barely able to hold herself up as he slung a shoulder under her arm (awkwardly, because she was just that short).

“Yes. And you’ve been out here sleeping in it,” he chuffed, shaking his head. It was more likely, he realized, that she had gotten hurt sometime in the night and dragged herself onto the bench before passing out completely. But why or how, he still didn’t know.

Thankfully (or not thankfully), she was incredibly light, and it wasn’t to much of a chore to get her back to Zombietown. She didn’t say hardly anything as he dragged her back home with him, but at least she was a bit more responsive to his verbal cues to step up or down off curbs. By the time they both reached the house, rain was torrenting down on them, and the streets were mostly abandoned. Thunder rolled in the distant hills as Zed guided Addison up the steps of his porch, old wood creaking from the extra and unexpected weight.

His dad opened the door before he could even reach for the knob.

“Zed!” The man barked in surprise, only to shift on his feet at the sight of a guest, “who’s this, son? What’s going on?”

“She’s from school, Dad. I think…I think she got hit by a car…���

“What?! In Seabrook?”

“She needs a Doctor,” Zed insisted, “she needs help right now.”

—

#disney zombies #alternate universe #werewolf!addison #zed necrodopolis #addison wells #dark themes #zeddison #z o m b i e s #z o m b i e s 2 #z o m b i e s 3 #fanfiction #disney fanfiction #zombies fanfiction #writing #dark fantasy #concept writing #lore building #world building #zombies broken moon

[sweetcloverheart]

Unpopular Opinion Time (Yes, I’m back at it again)

Note: For the sake of keeping my #Unpopular Opinion tag uncluttered, I’m considering maybe creating a separate tag for my MLB brain vomit. Would that be a good idea/helpful? Anyhow, let’s get rant- I mean “talking”.

I have always wanted to say this - the Adrigami breakup in “Lies” was forced as hell. There was no buildup/set up at all for it. While I can 100% believe Adrien and Kagami would have broken up eventually (from falling out of the honeymoon phase of the romance to just coming to the conclusion they might just be better off as friends/rivals than romantic partners due to points of conflict with their personalities), I just can’t see them doing it for the reasons the episode presented. Things seemed to at least be going well from last we saw of them in “Miracle Queen” - but now all of a sudden, Kagami being ultra-controlling and apparently hates when Adrien tries to act like Chat Noir out of costume, saying it’s “not the real him” (As if Kagami would not have loved the stupid cat puns with what a little goober she’s shown herself to be in the show.), and Adrien’s purposely skipping dates for patrol not to protect the city from possible akumas and reluctantly sacrificing his relationship to do this, but because he’s apparently still harboring a crush on Ladybug (even though we spent an entire season talking about how he was getting over her actually) and eagerly awaiting Akumatizations because it means he and “m’lady” can spend more time together. It just feels like the show made it happen so they could force that parallel with “Truth” and because, well, Marinette’s single now - might as well reward her for having to give up her relationship with Luka (because she realized she couldn’t really give him the transparency he wanted and he respected that enough to agree to remain friends) by making her old crush available again by destroying his (admittedly) stable relationship with his girlfriend (by having Adrien come off as untrustworthy and dishonest and Kagami resenting him for that for several episodes). I mean, not like we could actually play out the relationship for the season and make it an interesting point of conflict for our main characters “Miracle Romance” here - that’d be crazy!

Also, I find it absolutely weird that Gabriel, who is established as totally willing to purposely aggravate the feelings of his son’s friends and in “Chat Blanc” tried to engineer a breakup between Marinette and Adrien just so he could akumatize the former over her heartbreak...didn’t do similar to Kagami (And don’t say “Well, he’d lose Tomoe as a potential business partner if he did that!” because by that logic, “Style Queen” should have been 10 mins instead of a two-parter). You’d think “Lies” would have had him gaslighting Kagami into thinking Adrien was avoiding her because he considered her “unworthy” of the Agreste name and brand so he could use those feelings for a Akuma/Sentimonster killer combo (all while highlighting just how damaging his controlfreak tendencies are being to his son in civilian life and how he’s now crossing more lines than before with actively sabotaging his son’s relationships himself), then end with her confronting Adrien with the idea and him dismissing (and maybe defending) it because it’s his dad and then having that whole “I can’t trust you” speech before having them break up - but instead, it’s just Hawkmoth doing business as usual and seeing yet another emotionally vulnerable teen just conveniently available to exploit, with said teen just happening to be his son’s girlfriend (speaking of, did Gabriel not worry this might result in another “Style Queen” situation where the Akuma ends up targeting his son and getting him put in danger?)

#Unpopular Opinion Time #Miraculous Ladybug #ML Salt #Clover Rants Miraculously

[that-is-just-so-typically-me]

I’m on a (tentative, fragile) upswing, I think (I’ve been remembering to practice attending to my nervous system more often again). For the past couple of weeks I’ve been more consistent about engaging and being transparent and vulnerable when I’m struggling, leaning into discomfort, instead of isolating and disappearing until I feel a little better to respond or interact with my loved ones. It’s so nerve-wracking every time. I’ve had a lifetime habit of being hesitant to say or do anything that might disappoint or upset my loved ones, and while I was doing really well at it for a while, that same openness ended up being one of the reasons why I think I was left in my last relationship. I didn’t realize it until a few months ago, because I had subconsciously avoided and abstained from genuine interpersonal connection for over a year, but I swung *hard* from my lifelong anxious/secure attachment style to avoidant attachment. I avoid so strongly I don’t even realize the strategies and extent to which I orchestrate my life around not relying on anyone to be there for me or feeling vulnerable with them. But twice in the past two weeks I’ve just sort of taken the leap and closed my eyes and been pretty much frank in a couple of social situations, disclosing that I am not okay and that I’m sorry that I can’t come after all, or that I can join but may not be much fun to be around, but would still like to join anyway. And it was received with a rush of love and understanding that shocked me much like it did a few months ago when I had a vulnerable conversation with a roommate and he responded not only with understanding but by thanking me and seeming genuinely happy that I set a boundary with him, instead of being silent. Like, in all three of these situations, it was like my interpersonal relationships actually got *closer* and *more safe* because I showed up with my honest needs, despite being 100%, without exaggeration, convinced the response would be distance or annoyance, that I’ve let them down and they’re mad, disappointed, or less interested in our friendship. I don’t know how to express just how real and true it feels that if I am less than an incredible, fun time proving how much I improve my loved ones lives 24/7 and never needing any effort that would inconvenience them in return, they’ll start to walk away, and I’ll have to panic figuring out how to do or be enough so they will value me again and come back. So when they instead love me even more for my honesty, it’s so overwhelming I literally feel light-headed just thinking about this to write it out.

It’s like my head and heart have accepted a core belief that there is no safe love, no patient love that can ever extend grace, in this world for me. I literally forget that it’s possible and that it exists. I know a huge part of that is my constant isolation, thanks to how busy I am and how my depression makes me fail to reach out, and therefore I rarely have new, good experiences to balance out the ever-present lingering taste of past bad experiences on my tongue. But these moments are like sips of water after wandering the desert so long I’ve forgotten the taste. I’m so grateful. I need to keep remembering what this feels like, and that being real and honest and showing up as just me could be more than enough for someone - it could make them happy to help me as I struggle - and that it’s a safe option for me. I just became convinced that I am the opposite of the kind of person people want to be around and help when they’re in crisis, and I know it’s the trauma of twice having the same person I love most downplay and withdraw from me the more help and reassurance I needed, while I got to witness them moving mountains for someone else’s needs and insecurities, when both times, they looked like the person I’ve been terrified my whole life everyone really wants over someone who looks like me - even though I completely forgive them and understand why it all went down the way it did and wish them true happiness and peace, my nervous system is just still doing its own thing. Frozen in the pain and the feeling of annihilating worthlessness. It was built on a lifetime of trauma, but this just really pushed it into the territory of, “Okay, the worst thing that you ever feared could happen, happened. What now?”

So, yes, what now? I ask my heart, feeble but still faintly beating in my hands. I want my greatest strength back: my trusting, earnest love, the love that fearlessly gives everything with nothing held back, no suspicions or doubts. I want my soul to feel unencumbered and free and so light I think I’ll float away into the stars, to love recklessly again, and to leap with someone in love and and to know in my bones that I won’t find that I’ve leapt all alone. I still remember a time when I loved like this, so I know there’s hope yet. As long as I let in the love in my life, as long as I keep noticing and recognizing softness and love when I see it in this world, and let it remind me, as long as I can be brave enough to let my soft heart lead me again - despite overwhelming bad days crowding out the good, I think there’s a chance for me yet.

I’m putting these messages here to remind me 💚

[faggo-tron-prime]

Got s stern message about overstepping etiquette making out with my ex's friend. Not because of any relation drama, but because it was an "intimate gathering of his closest friends" so it was "bad faith (translation kinda wonky..)" of me "to be making out with one of them." 🥴🙃

Pals... i feel like i failed a trial i didn't even know i was on. I reciprocated his friend's attraction and energy. It honestly would have not happened had he 1) told everyone that his ex was coming so his friend could navigate that interaction knowingly himself, and 2) let me know if people knew or not. Kinda fucked me over and fucked me up, but this is a very him thing to do. Like i know we just took up contact again, but i kinda feel like i was put in a place of "honor" being invited, but now he made it very clear that i was an outsider there, or that he at least now does not think of me as being under his wing. Shit sucks. The power dynamic here is very skewed in my eyes.

#kj vents #kj talks #the ex situation #me #very torn between replying with a submission to his grace by admitting my fault... or not admitting fault in what was a very normal #situation that would have been avoided had he actually been transparent. And to let him know i feel like i was trapped and maybe add how I #have been feeling lately. how it was nice to feel the warmth in someone's eyes and hands - wanting to know me better. not just to use me a #a sex doll - how this was actually my first 'organic' escapade since him and i in 2015. that it meant a lot to me to get to feel something #like this after seeing everyone I've dated the last year using me as a back up or left me to date seriously after telling me slow/casual is #good for them too. I've had a loy of heartache the past year. I felt normal and natural and wanted for a moment. #gay #bi #this is ....not much yet a lot

[heliads]

The Sting of Avoidance

Based on this request: “Newt x reader: they’re together and instead of thomas st*bbing himself with the needle or the griever part, she does it instead and he gets worried about her”

masterlist

Newt watches the Glade through a shield of greens and leaves. Say what you want about Track-hoes, but the job does certainly have its perks: for one thing, people rarely tend to notice you, which means that Newt can witness all of the incidents occurring throughout the Glade without anyone being the wiser to his presence. It’s good for when Gally’s in a murderous mood and Newt wants to stay out of it, and it’s good for now, when Newt is doing his best to remain precipitously unseen.

He’s just easing back around the protective cover of a few particularly large stalks when Newt realizes that he can’t see the one person he’s been looking at all along. Seconds before, he was doing his best not to stare too hard at the lone girl in the glade, the one just crossing from one side of the Glade to Alby’s station in the Homestead, and now she’s gone. Newt bites back the urge to curse, and then he feels a hand settle on his shoulder.

Newt whirls around in surprise, then mentally chides himself for it. He’s supposed to be looking completely normal, like he isn’t doing anything other than the typical array of gardening skills, but he’s gone and wrecked his cover now. 

Indeed, the girl standing in front of him is regarding him with a faintly curious expression. “Well, Newt, what’s got you in such a mix-up?”

Newt plasters on a smile. “Nothing much, Y/N. What’s up with you?” 

She shakes her head slightly, a grin weaving its way onto her lips. “I don’t know. I was just walking here when I realized that you might be avoiding me, and then the second I go to talk to you, you jump like you’ve seen a ghost. Have I done something wrong?” 

Newt shakes his head hurriedly. “I’m not avoiding you. I’m just, uh, very busy.”

Y/N raises an eyebrow, glancing behind him at the mostly empty patch of dirt and mud known as the Glade gardens. They’re in between planting seasons, with only some corn and plucky tomatoes tall enough to hide him from view. 

“Very busy. I can see that. Still doesn’t explain why you’ve been avoiding me, though.” 

Newt tries one last time for a way out. “I wasn’t avoiding you. Why would you think that?”

Y/N folds her arms across her chest. “I don’t know, maybe the fact that you never seem to sit next to me at meals anymore, you make sure Minho or Chuck or Thomas or any one of the other Gladers is in between us at the bonfires, and I don’t think you’ve actually set out to speak to me in a week. If you’re not careful, I might think that you’re actually starting to hate me.” 

At this last sentence, something wears away from Y/N’s expression, rendering the formerly tough-as-nails facade as transparent as glass. Maybe Newt’s gone a little too far with this after all.

Then again, it’s not like he was trying to upset her in the first place. In complete honesty, Newt has been avoiding Y/N, although he thought that he wasn’t being as obvious about it. It’s just that they were supposed to be friends, but recently Newt keeps getting this funny feeling in his chest whenever he sees her, like even one word exchanged with Y/N would be enough to keep him happy for a month. He had hoped that simply not seeing her as often would let him return to normal, but apparently not.

And, to make things worse, he’s gone and upset Y/N in the process. Wonderful. So, Newt squares his shoulders, sets his jaw, and does his best to get himself out of the situation. 

“I’m sorry, Y/N, really. I didn’t mean to make you feel like that. How about this: there’s a bonfire tonight, Gally insisted, and I won’t leave your side the entire time, even when you get sick of me.” 

Y/N’s face breaks into a happy grin, and Newt feels a rush of relief wash over him.

“I think that sounds excellent. Although, if you’re aiming to rid yourself of me, I don’t get sick of people unless they’re Builders or Chuck on his tenth round of questioning. You’ll have to find a better way to escape.” 

Newt snorts, allowing himself to lean a little closer to Y/N, just because he can. “Are you sure about that? I’m awfully tricky.” 

Y/N rolls her eyes, although she’s trying hard to contain a laugh, Newt can tell. “Now you’ve got me a little nervous, but I’m sticking to it. I’ll see you tonight, then.” 

As she walks off, Newt manages a brief wave. He’ll see her tonight. What has he gotten himself into?

Night arrives soon enough on the Glade, practically kicking up its heels at the opportunity at hand. Newt silently bemoans each inch of darkness that settles upon the land around him, until at last he has no choice and follows the others to the bonfire. Y/N finds him soon enough, and despite his inner protests, Newt can’t help but smile when he sees her. There’s something about how the light from the fire cascades over her hair and skin, lighting up her eyes until he thinks he could find the sun in them if he looked hard enough. Yes, there’s no question about it- this might be a mistake, but only because it’s going to make him fall that much harder.

Then again, they have a good time. Newt sits with her, talks with her, strolls aimlessly around the fire in search of friends to chat up before spinning away again. At last, when they’ve both had a little too much of Gally’s questionable brew, Y/N sighs and looks at him, gaze suddenly mournful. 

“Why don’t you like me anymore, Newt?”

Newt practically chokes on his drink. “Why don’t I what? Y/N, that couldn’t be farther from the truth. Of course I like you.” 

He likes her far more than she knows, actually, but he doesn’t say that. 

Y/N looks suspicious. “Then why don’t you talk to me anymore? I practically had to twist your arm to get you to agree to spend time with me tonight. If I did something wrong, please tell me. I want to fix it.”

Newt shakes his head. “It’s not you, I promise. It’s me.” 

He leans back against the support of a fallen tree trunk, staring up at the night sky. Why is it sometimes so hard to say what you want? 

Y/N leans a little closer to him, curious. “What do you mean?” 

Newt sighs, rubbing a hand tiredly over his face. “It’s just- I’m afraid of doing something to mess this up. To mess us up.” 

He winces a second later. Anyone could tell what he means by that, the secret he’s doing his best to hide in between the syllables. Y/N can figure it out too, he can tell, but she hasn’t quite put the pieces together yet. 

“You couldn’t do anything to mess us up, Newt.” 

She reaches over; takes his hand. Newt can��t stop himself from staring at their intertwined fingers. “We’re friends, aren’t we? Nothing could change that.”

Newt scoffs, throat thick with some emotion that he can’t quite place. “Right, friends.” 

Y/N frowns, drawing back slightly. “What does that mean? Do you not want to be friends anymore? So something really is wrong, isn’t it?” 

Newt shakes his head frantically. “No, it’s not that. I just- Y/N, I like you a lot. More than I should. But Alby’s got his rules, hasn’t he, and I don’t want to be like the rest of the shanks and only flirt with you. That’s the problem, it’s me.”

There’s silence, Newt cursing himself with every passing moment. Why did he have to tell her everything? He could have come up with some acceptable lie, but instead, he had to bear his soul to her. Just as he’s about to deny the whole thing and try to pass it off as a trick of Gally’s brew and nothing more, she grins. 

“You could have said that a little earlier, you know. I like you too.” 

Newt sits up, stunned. “What? You do?”

Y/N’s laugh is electrifying. “Yes, I do. A lot, actually.” 

Newt can’t stop himself now, and he leans forward to kiss her. His heart is falling through his chest and hurtling through the ground, but it just makes him want to kiss her harder. After a little while, the rest of the Gladers realize what’s going on and whoop, but he doesn’t care. Newt can’t care about any of them- all he can focus on is the girl in front of him, the girl who might actually like him back.

It’s better after that. Alby nearly loses it after he finds out, and threatens to lock Newt up in the Slammer for months until Y/N manages to convince him that it wasn’t his fault. Eventually, he accepts it, and Newt and Y/N stay together ever since. It’s a good thing, too, because things in the Glade are quickly going from bad to worse. Y/N’s happy when Teresa arrives, claiming something about having another girl in town would be nice, but when the doors to the Maze refuse to close for the night, Newt knows that their good luck has finally taken a spill for the worse.

All the Gladers can do is huddle together in silent terror, waiting for the horrors of the night to arrive. Newt stays right by Y/N, his arm wrapped around her shoulders, keeping her close. When the Grievers finally show up, he knows that he can’t leave her, not now. This silent promise is the only thing keeping him together through it all, even when they’re sprinting through the darkness in search of a safety that seems impossible to attain.

At last, it ends, and Newt and Y/N clamber out of their makeshift shelter to assess the damage around them. Everywhere he looks, Newt sees destruction- huts reduced to splinters, bodies littering the ground that he can’t bear to identify, traces of the Griever attack lingering in every detail of the scene. Beside him, Y/N appears to be in a similar haze, unable to take in the sights lest they remember what just happened.

She takes a few steps forward, looking for something in the rubble. She’s muttering something under her breath, which Newt understands after a few seconds. 

“The Grievers did this. The Grievers destroyed our lives, just like they destroyed Ben’s.” Then her expression shifts into a grim, understanding light. “It’s all been them. Newt, I think I know how to get out of here.”

Instantly, Newt’s at her side. “What is it? What do you mean?” 

Her jaw is set. “Alby and Ben saw something, didn’t they? All because they were stung. I have to see what they saw.” 

There’s a chilling feeling in Newt’s stomach. Surely she doesn’t mean what he thinks she means. Suddenly, she dives towards something on the ground, and when she straightens up again, she’s holding something long that glistens sickeningly in the moonlight.

Newt’s blood runs cold when he recognizes it- the barbed tip of a Griever’s tail. Newt holds out his hands, trying to stop whatever Y/N is about to do. 

“Hey, listen to me. Just wait a little bit. We can talk this over.” 

She shakes her head firmly, an almost manic glint in her eyes. “No. I have to save us. I can’t take damage like this again.” 

She holds the stinger up to her chest, preparing. Newt lunges for her, but it’s too late- he sees her gaze, sees the same look of fierce desperation in them. He’d seen it in Ben just as they shut the boy inside the Maze for good, in Thomas just before he ran to Minho and Alby as the Doors shut. It’s a look of self-sacrifice, and it terrifies him. Just before Newt reaches her, Y/N plunges the point of it into her chest.

She doubles over instantly, and Newt just manages to catch her before she hits the ground. A thousand thoughts are running through his head- what if she doesn’t survive? What if she dies like this, what if Newt has to watch her go mad just like Ben, what if this risk doesn’t pay off and he’s just lost the one good thing about this place? Then the others notice and rush by, and the Med-Jacks are taking her from him, sprinting with her unconscious form to their hut for treatment. Newt is left kneeling on the ground, staring at his hands and the barbed stinger of the Griever, still lying there before him. What has she done?

Y/N does not wake up until well into the next day. Newt would know- he spent the rest of the day at her side, sitting in a corner of the Med-Jack hut until she opened her eyes. Clint and Jeff try to get him to leave and sleep, but he refuses. What if she wakes up while he’s gone and he isn’t there? Eventually, they give up and leave Newt to his silent watch. He doesn’t concern himself with their concerned looks and muted whispers. All that matters is what happens when Y/N wakes up.

When her eyelids finally flicker open, Newt is there, rushing to her side in an instant. For one horrible, fleeting moment, she does not recognize him. Then her eyes open fully, and she smiles at him. Newt throws his arms around her, taking comfort in the steady beat of her heart. Still the same, despite all of this. 

He swallows thickly. “Don’t ever do that again, you hear me?”

Y/N chuckles lightly before breaking off into a cough. “I don’t plan on it, thank you very much. It was worth it, though. I saw something.” 

Newt stares at her. “What? What happened?” 

She sighs, staring at the ceiling in an effort to contain herself. “It’s WICKED, they’re the ones doing this. There’s a way out, but we have to be willing to take it. It might be the most dangerous thing we’ve ever done.”

Newt can’t stand the despondent look in her eyes, so he reaches over and takes her hand, gripping it firmly in an attempt to stave off her quiet horror. “We’ll do it. We’ll make it through. We’re getting out, you know that? The two of us. I’m not leaving you.” 

Her smile flickers, then returns in full. “Good, because I’m not losing you.” 

Newt leans over, pressing a kiss to her lips. He’ll have to get Alby and Thomas at some point, and figure out what to do next. Whatever Y/N saw, Gally and the others may not like it. That doesn’t matter, though, not to him. Just as long as he has Y/N. That’s all he needs.

maze runner tag list: light of my life maze of my runner @underc0vercryptid​, @ellobruv-blog​

#newt #newt imagines #newt x reader #newt oneshot #maze runner #maze runner imagines #maze runner x reader #maze runner oneshot #maze runner newt #maze runner newt imagines #maze runner newt x reader #maze runner newt oneshot #scorch trials #death cure

[multiplefandomsblog]

request; Can I request Nagito, Kokichi, and Rantaro with an s/o that has a hard time understanding why someone feels a certain emotion in situations?

pairing(s); rantaro x gn!reader, nagito x gn!reader, kokichi x gn!reader

warnings; blood, violence, broken noses, strong language, kind of angsty — sorry that nagito's is super long- i started off with him and i haven't written in a long time so i just shit all over the place, fluff at kokichi, i have mood swings I'm so sorry about the whiplash you are about to witness

note; yesss i am back to finish these requests yurrrrrr sjansjdhfbasdkjfds I'm not gonna make a big announcement or anything(I'm still trying to figure out how to balance everything in my life rn, so I'm sorry for people who are waiting on me—) , just gonna spit out as many finished requests as i can, sorry for the abrupt pause of everything by the wayz ill be (hopefully) regularly posting works from now on.

(also this request was kind of vague, so i used the example of someone getting upset/angry and reader not understanding why; i hope that's okay :'))

Nagito Komaeda

◊ I think Nagito would understand your struggles more than anyone else.

◊ And… honestly, it kind of reassures him that you share a struggle with him. It makes him feel less alone, less like the odd one out.

◊ Being similar to someone like you in any way, even if it was a genuinely difficult and real struggle; was a blessing in disguise for someone as lowly as him.

◊ Getting that out of the way, Nagito would never see your struggle as what it is. The way he views you, how highly he puts you up on a pedestal, as well as how much hope he believes you to hold; he, at first*, won't help you at all with your struggles.

◊ As a strong believer of hope overcoming despair, good defeating bad; Nagito is positive that the struggles you hold will always be defeated, bludgeoned into a despairing sludge by your all-mighty hope.

◊ And at first, he won't even think of this as a bad thing! You should be proud of it, of course, unless it stirs despair within you.

◊ * That being said, if he sees you struggling with your inability to understand human reactions to an awful point, he would put his obsession with hope aside, and focus on trying to help you as your boyfriend.

◊ Though I'm afraid, he wouldn't be much of a help, because he gets stuck on this one too.

◊ If you ever unintentionally angered someone, however, and/or provoked them to potentially hurt you; he'd immediately step in and lay the damp washcloth of apologies on the accidental fire you had set.

◊ Though there is a high chance, he'll make it worse by saying something he hadn't intended to sound condescending. It just came out that way.

◊ Nagito would never put your well-being before his insatiable need for you to accelerate and empower your hope.

◊ He's your boyfriend before he is your admirer of hope.

— "What...? How can you- how can you be so calm!?" Confusion, fear, and intimidation seemed to overwhelm you as you stepped back, eyebrows creased in utmost confusion as the person before you, seemed to have been angered by your wording.

Suddenly, you had started repeating and reversing over what you had previously said, scanning your wording for things that could have been perceived as offensive; only to grow even more confused as you had found none.

"I... What? Are you... are you mad at me or something?" Your genuine tone of voice, as well as the genuine look of confusion on your face, had been blurred and unnoticed as the ugly emotion of anger seemed to destroy their human senses— and the person had unfortunately taken your question as an insult.

Without another word, the sickening crunch of flesh and bone hitting flesh and bone echoed throughout the trial room. Flesh and bone that had thankfully, and unfortunately, hadn't belonged to you.

"Holy- Someone hold them back!"

"There's... no need for that...!"

Turns out Nagito took the hit for you.

He peeled the hand tending to his nose away from his face, revealing the nasty bruising and the blood dripping down his nostril—despite the gruesome sight of it all, he still seemed to be smiling. Smiling as if something amazing had just happened, and he was dying from the joy he had been feeling.

He wasted no time to spew out whatever he could think of, despite the shock and adrenaline from getting a broken nose, he still fought through the struggle to speak properly, as well as merely breathing without immense pain.

It was like second nature to him, to steer the blame and the aggression away from you—even if it almost killed him. Anything... to protect his hope.

"Haha, this is... Whatever you need to achieve your hope, whether it be a good old-fashioned beat-down or... murder;" a laugh crossing the line to psychotic erupted from Nagito's scratchy throat.

"I personally invite you all—especially (name)—to bruise me up and brutally murder me for your pleasure, and your hop!" —all at the expense of him making sure no one gets the chance to lay a single finger laid onto you.

◊ He loves you, and he swears this is out of (mostly) good intention <3?

◊ i- i think i lost it somewhere in the middle

Rantaro Amami

◊ Literally, the most understanding, supportive, and comforting man you will ever meet and have as an emotional support boyfriend when you struggle with humans and just... humans.

◊ For first impressions, Rantaro will remain as understanding as he already had been, and is. If he visibly sees you struggle with the reactions of others to specific situations, he'd never start up shit, as well as assume you mean something bad immediately. He will always give you the benefit of the doubt, and the fact that he loves you may have been a factor — but I swear, he does this with everyone else too.

◊ If you ever responded/reacted to something that normal human beings usually respond differently, Rantaro would definitely notice, but he wouldn't say anything until he had his suspicions confirmed — and until someone else decided to get pissy or upset about it.

◊ If you ever get into a conflict with someone about how you seem emotionless( even though you're really not ), Rantaro will always be there to defend you and back you up. The first thing he would do is try to understand your side, then their side, and then try to see how the two fit together, and how you both grew to have your reaction.

◊ Most conflicts and arguments end peacefully, at fault to Rantaro's experience of being exposed to many personality types(his sisters), and completely normal and human struggles(also his sisters).

◊ Though, notice how I said most.

◊ Some situations and arguments, really can't be resolved, nor looked past—especially when personal, and very strong feelings are involved. You really can't avoid it when people are still grieving.

◊ But even so, Rantaro will remain a mediator and a peace-keeper until the end; he doesn't and never has enjoyed violence or super over-the-line arguments.

— "N- no, I a- actually don't understand...! I didn't mean to-"

"Oh, shut up! No one's believing that crap!" The shock and the hurt from their words had visibly affected you — the disbelief and their rage hadn't done anything to calm your anxiety from not having understood what had been wrong.

Rantaro would intrude on the one-sided argument, a gentle yet nervous smile on his face as he tried to put some distance between you and the person who had gotten offended. "Hey now, I understand you're upset, but it'll be safer for all of us if you don't insult them. I'm sure this was just a big misunderstanding... let's sit down, yeah?"

◊ If you ever feel frustrated or upset about a past interaction with someone he had reacted in a way you hadn't expected, feel free to expect Rantaro to be there for you with his comfort. Whether it be assurances, hugs, or just a listening ear; he'll be there for you.

◊ He may not understand your struggles to an extreme extent, but he will try his best to empathize with you and to understand you; and if he doesn't? That's okay. Because he still has cuddles + listening to you rant as his plan B solution on getting your frustrations out.

Kokichi Ouma

◊ Kokichi... doesn't understand you at all.

◊ It's second nature to him to react abnormally or to over-exaggerate towards something that probably shouldn't have gained a reaction like that — but that doesn't necessarily mean that had been his true reaction from the start.

◊ They're lies, well, most of it.

◊ When Kokichi notices your confusion, or if you come to him about your frustrations; he won't believe you at first. It's a stupid thing to not trust someone about, yeah, but he lies all the time about this kind of thing — so not only would he feel terrible if you were telling the truth about your real struggle, he would-

◊ Oh, you're telling the truth?

◊ ... Oh.

◊ Well, of course, he feels horrible for his past faked reactions and lies. A part of him believes it to be his fault entirely, whilst the larger, louder part of him believes it to be someone else's fault.

◊ And he's a liar; so of course, he'll lie. To himself, at least.

◊ "Wha—!? Who's been confusing my beloved? Gimme names and I'll get 'em!"

◊ He's not much of a listener, nor a person who really just... talks about serious shit. So despite not wanting to talk directly about serious things, as well as not being the best at comforting you in a 'serious' manner, he has his own little way of dimming your frustrations with human beings.

◊ He won't show it, nor will he mention it, but he does try to be more transparent with you; as well as tries to be less confusing when talking and/or interacting with you.

◊ The reactions are dimmed down, and despite that, he still continues to be silly and still continues to joke around — just not in a way that'll frustrate or confuse you(ish). He's all about getting reactions out of you, especially frustration but, he wouldn't purposely augment your anxiety about this type of thing.

◊ ^^ If he was to do that, however, he would always tell you it was a lie afterwards. After all— despite enjoying the thought of you thinking of him all week—he doesn't want you stressing and/or overthinking about it for the rest of the week.

◊ Kokichi definitely feels guilty of your struggles, however, they may have not blossomed directly from him, he still feels horrible for triggering it? You? — look- what he's trying to say is, he feels awful, and he hadn't meant to make your struggle with understanding other human beings, worse.

◊ Though there are times he does find your confusion and gullibility to be sort of entertaining in a way, but he would constantly feel bad about finding pleasure in your frustration.

◊ Kind of bad.

— "Nishishi! I'm just saying, if someone took a fat shit on my lawn, I would thank them—"

"Wh- Seriously.. ? Why??"

◊ He finds it hilarious how you seem to take his words to heart, but of course, fun comes to an end as he says—

— "Nope! It's a lie!"

#mod chia #kokichi ouma #nagito komaeda #nagito fluff #nagito #danganronpa #nagito imagines #kokichi oma #danganronpa fanfiction #dr nagito #kokichi x reader #kokichi #drv3 kokichi #kokichi imagines #danganronpa imagines #danganronpa v3 #nagito komaeda oneshots #ouma kokichi #nagito komaeda x reader #rantaro amami #drv3 rantaro #rantaro headcanons #rantaro imagines #rantaro x reader #nagito x reader #sdr2 nagito #nagito komaeda headcanons #danganronpa 2 #danganronpa headcanons #danganronpa imagine requests

[aphrodite-would-be-proud]

Hi! How are you doing? ^^ ☆

Just wanted to know if you could make a headcanon about how would it be like after an argument with Armin? Please

Tysm for reading me, I love your work ♡♡♡

You're so sweet and nice ♡ of course I'd love to do one and tbh we must be on the same wavelength because i was just thinking about that yesterday!!!

I really liked your idea so imma do both a scenario and a headcanon! Hope you don't mind?

After an argument with Armin

{ Armin x reader | tw: hurt/comfort, self-image issues | angst with happy ending | modern }

{ "Moonlit View" byOscar Kleineh 1846 - 1919 }

Being with Armin had its many, many perks, one being that he's really empathetic and understanding, he doesn't assume things without evidence and knows misunderstandings happen.

When facing problems or disagreements, he thinks of a solution, not argue. He rather you work together against the problem than against each other.

Whenever you were in a bad mood he'd assume the best and think of what might have caused it instead of taking it personally, he knows you still love him, he knows you're just stressed. Maybe comfort could help? Maybe a lovely cuddly evening? Or maybe you need some space?

He's just really good at reading people's emotions and handling these situations, thanks to his efforts you both successfully managed to avoid any kind of arguments or fights most couples go through.

Which is why it was a shocking surprise to everyone when Eren got a call from Armin late at night, asking if he can stay over because you two just had, what he described as, the biggest fight.

Eren almost didn't believe him at first, he thought Armin was playing a prank on him. But then he heard the quivering in his voice and the hiccup that followed. Armin was crying, things were serious.

The last thing he said to you while putting his coat on was "I'm sorry, I'm weak, you and I know that."

Him saying that, in that tone, with those tearful eyes, made you want to get up and yell at him that no he isn't. He shouldn't just say that about himself like it's a fact and not just the results of years of self-doubt.

You wanted to hug him, to pull him closer till all those awful thoughts leave his head, till he sees at himself like how you see him, incredibly brave and determined.

But you didn't, you stayed there on the couch as he put his shoes on. His eyes pleading for you to say something, anything. To tell him to stay, to come sit near you. He even looked at you one last time before opening the door.

As you stared at him in silence, the realisation that you don't even remember what you were fighting about hit you, you can't, how could you? The minute the door closed behind him is when you realised how real the situation is.

How quiet the house is.

Has it always been this cold?

And just how much worried you are about him.

It hasn't been a full minute and you're missing him already.

—

It's 4am

It's hours since he left, how much exactly? You can't even remember.

Still haven't moved from the couch, you're not sure what you're feeling, you've been going through different emotions each hour.

Guilt, sadness, regret, anger, denial, pessimism, you name it.

It doesn't matter, none of that really matters to you right now. It's Armin who you've been worried about for a while that matter.

You know for a fact Eren and Mikasa aren't the most emotionally open people, you know Armin is already struggling with letting out his emotions without feeling needless guilt or shame.

You know he needs someone right now, he needs a shoulder to cry on and a reassuring voice. You've been both these things for him since even before you got together.

Just like he has been these things for you too. You need that someone just as much now. You didn't even know it's possible to feel this lonely.

Is he also thinking about you? Is he sleeping soundly on Eren’s couch? Or is that one stain from last week's party bothering him?

...is he just as miserable as you are right now? Probably not, you think. He's far stronger than he gives himself credit for, you know that better than everyone else.

Your thought process gets interrupted by a buzz from your phone, a text. Your eyes light up, you pull the blanket you dragged from the bed tighter around you, it's Armin.

[ hey ] it said, [is it okay if i call you?]

You reply back, he starts typing again, you stare at those three dots like your life depends on them.

[Okay, give me a minute please ]

You pull the phone closer to you, it's brightness contratsing against the dark living room. Some minutes pass...nothing, you feel your heartbeat rising. Phone still clutched in your hands.

It rings, it doesn't get past the second ring before you've pressed the accept button. You can hear the wind on the other side, alongside the distant sound of passing cars. Your heart only slows down after hearing the fimilar and oh so lovely sound of soft breathing

Suddenly the world doesnt seem so dim anymore.

"Sorry, it took more time than i thought, Eren keeps his keys in really weird places...I hope i didn't make you worry"

Oh If only he knew..

Dozens of possible replies run through your mind.

I missed you, did you miss me too?

Please come back, I hate feeling this lonely.

How does it feel to take my heart and run away?

Was your voice always this captivating or am i just high on sleep-deprevation?

I miss your kisses, i wish i could feel your lips against mine. Could you kiss me through the phone?

...in the end, you settle for "It's okay" you say, "It's alright."

"That's good...hey listen." You listen, "I'm not going to skirt around the subject, i called because" he takes a deep breath, "i want to apologise for how i acted, for what i said, both to you and myself."

Hearing him admit to his faults and own up to his mistakes, fills you with courage to do the same. You apologise, you mention how you've been thinking about him, you leave out the embarrassing parts.

You tell him you love him, and miss him.

You're met with silence. So you call out his name.

"Wait..you're not mad at me?" He says.

What? Mad? You?

"No." You say. "Why would you think that?"

You hear a chuckle that evolves into a laugh, it's contagious.

"Fuck...oh god I'm...im so stupid, i left because I thought you were mad and didn't bother you more by making you look at me." Even he seems to realise just how ridiculous that concept is.

It's 5am now, you're both laughing over the phone. The world is good again.

You ask if he's mad at you.

He instantly replies with a no.

"I could never be mad at you..." he says, "I love you so much it hurts. I love you like I've never loved anyone else before that it terrfies me, I'm scared one day I'll wake up and you won't be beside me anymore, you've made me love myself in ways i never though i would, you made me believe in myself because you believed in me."

{ Headcanons }

After an argument, Armin tries giving both of you space to calm down.

It doesn't last long because he will approach you after and talk about his emotions and explains why he did the things he did. He will also apologise for the things he did wrong like yelling or saying something hurtful.

If you give him the okay, he will instantly hug you. Physical touch is a great comfort for him so don't expect him letting you go anytime soon.

He will hold your face gently, tell you how much he missed you despite it being only hours.

Doesn't even care about the argument anymore or attempt to bring it up, he just wants to make up asap.

You're both gonna have a heartfelt conversation and actually process your emotions together. As a result you two come out stronger and closer after each argument.

He doesn't hold grudges, so he won't ever act passive aggressive after an argument. if he's got a problem he will tell you.

Just 100% honestly and transparency with this golden boy.

Will want to spend more time together post argument, he will really love it if you watch something together or you let him read you something.

Give him love and affaction, he loves you deeply it's actually rare these days.

When you go to sleep on those nights, he will hold you tighter and stroke your back.

He doesn't hold grudges yet he still remembers each fight you had and instead of it being a sour memory, he thinks of it as a learning block. Just a step towards understanding each other more.

Pamper him more after an argument and he will feel so loved, hearts in his eyes as you brush his morning hair.

#okay tell me why the fuck did I actually cry while writing this? #fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck #i feel so bad :"( i feel so sad #armin baby #im sorry #so so sorry #this took a lot of hours ngl #im proud of it #halfway through tumblr crashed and my progress was lost #armin arlet x reader #armin x reader #armin x y/n #armin headcanons #armin arlert #armin reader #armin scenario #Armin🕯 #angst with happy ending #angst with comfort #emotional tbh #snk #aot #aot x y/n

[lyrical-panic]

Some Scars aren’t Physical: PART 1

Iida x GN! Reader

TRIGGER WARNINGS: Past abusive relationship (gaslighting, possessiveness, yelling), slight panic attack, swearing

Summery: (Y/N) had a terrible boyfriend in middle school. He was possessive, manipulative, and just plain awful. Since breaking up with Him, (Y/N)’s had pretty bad relationship anxiety. It’s so bad, that it makes them afraid to pursue their new crush: the kind, earnest class rep, Tenya Iida.

Link to Part 2 

Masterlist

. . .

It only takes one bad experience to ruin something forever.

Take dating, for instance.

You hadn’t had many friends in middle school. You had Izuku, your friend since elementary school, and the people who sat next to you in class who occasionally talked to you. That was about it, but it never mattered. You were still happy.

Then there was Him.

He had been kind. Flattering. He laughed at your jokes and told you His own. You had been happier than you had ever been when you started dating. You spent long nights on the phone with Him, trying to smother your giddy laughter so not to wake the rest of your house. Then you spent hours recounting every moment of the conversation to Izuku, who always rolled his eyes playfully, remarking “As long as you’re happy, (Y/N).”

Then He changed.

It was a gradual shift. You didn’t even realize that something wasn’t right until a month or so into the relationship. It started with Izuku, funnily enough. He didn’t like how close you were with him. You had tried to calmly explain to Him that you were just friends, and had been friends for several years. He wouldn’t have it, though. He never outright asked you to stop spending time with Izuku, but He made it very clear that He didn’t approve of your friendship. 

You didn’t want Him to be angry with you. You didn’t cut Izuku out completely, you couldn’t bear to. You did start to avoid him, though.

It didn’t end with Izuku, though. Next it was the classmates you occasionally hung out with. Next it was anyone He didn’t personally know. Next it was anyone if He wasn’t there.

Then there were the arguments. You were frustrated. You told Him that he couldn’t control you like this. But you couldn’t bring yourself to leave Him. Not when His counterarguments where oh so persuasive.

“Listen, these people don’t really care about you. They’re just going to hurt you. I just want to keep you safe. You trust me, right?”

The hurt look on His face was enough for you to assure Him that yes, of course you trusted Him. You weren’t sure how honest you were being, though.

Four months.

It took four months of loneliness, and anxiety for you to finally end it. It took four months of Izuku pleading with you to leave Him before you actually did it. 

He wouldn’t go down without a fight, unfortunately. He went down in the end, albeit kicking and screaming. He had raised his voice at our before, but never like this. He had never screamed directly in your face. You’d never cried in front of Him before. You’d been good at hiding it, but the all the pent up anxiety and frustrations you were feeling spilt out when He shrieked at you like that.

He’d been suspended for two weeks. They were over all too fast.

He hardly talked to you when He got back, but you always felt His eyes. They seemed to follow you wherever you went.

Izuku stuck to you like glue. He was a nervous kid, and he never said anything directly to Him, but he was always there, offering you his silent support.

“Do you think you’ll want to date anyone else?” Izuku asked one day.

“No one from our class,” You rolled your eyes, surveying the middle school classroom.

“What about when we get to high school?” 

“I don’t know,” You answered after a moment. “I’d like to be in a good relationship, but…”

Izuku frowned. “But?”

You averted your eyes, feeling His gaze burning a hole in the back of your head. “I thought He seemed good at first. Look how well that went.”

. . . 

High school felt like heaven. It might’ve been grueling, and sure, villains showed up every other week, but He wasn’t there. Izuku was, though, plus you both managed to make a few other friends. 

Iida was one such friend. The first thing you had noticed about him was that he was loud. You had never liked loud people, especially after what had happened with Him, but Iida was never loud to you directly. He was just loud in general.

A few weeks into your friendship with him, and you realized that he was incredibly earnest. He was dependable, and seemed to be one of the kindest, if also intense people you’d ever met.

He was also handsome.

You spent lunch periods staring at Iida’s large hands, wondering what they’d feel like in your own. You laid awake at night, hugging your pillow and pretending it was him. 

One night, as you pictured him holding you, his gentle arms suddenly became tight and constrictive. Suddenly, it wasn’t Iida.

It was Him.

Your breathing became sporadic you threw your pillow onto the floor. You folded in on yourself, rubbing your arms to try to rid yourself of His lingering touch.

“I can’t,” You whimpered. “I can’t,”

You wanted to be with Iida, you really did. But He was still poisoning your mind.

. . .

“(L/N), are you doing anything this weekend?” 

You hummed noncommittally at Iida, who was standing at your desk, waiting for you to pack up to go home.

“I don’t think so.” You shrugged. “What about you?”

“Well, a cafe recently opened near my home, I’m thinking of checking it out.” He said casually, eyes darting away. “Perhaps you’d like to come with me?”

“Oh!” You exclaimed, looking up at the boy. “Uh, yeah! That sounds fun. It’d be nice to spend some time with you outside of school.”

“Yes, I-I thought the same thing.” Iida readjusted his glasses, a pink dusting forming on his cheeks. “Is Saturday alright with you?”

About twenty minutes later, when you and Izuku were walking home from the train station, he asked if you wanted to do anything over the weekend.

“On Sunday, maybe.” You kicked an acorn along the sidewalk. “Iida and I are going out on Saturday.”

“Woah, really? Like on a date?”

“I- I don’t- what?” You froze. You replayed the conversation with Iida in your head. “Is it a date? Shit. I can’t go on a date.”

“Why not?” Izuku furrowed his brows in concern. “Iida’s really nice, I think you’d be happy with him. You’d have a good time.”

“Yeah, well we thought I’d be happy with Him too,”

Izuku flinched, understanding flashing in his eyes. “Okay. (Y/N), Iida is lightyears better than Him. Iida’s a super serious guy, but that makes him transparent. If he had ulterior motives, or even if he just seemed like he’d be a dick, you’d know it. Iida isn’t Him. At least go out with him this one time.”

“But I-”

“It’s one date, not marriage.” Izuku reasoned, placing a hand on your shoulder. “There are no obligations. Go out with him. If it goes well, then great! You can do it again, or, don’t. If it goes poorly, then end it there. You don’t have to tie yourself to Iida just because he’s showing interest in you.”

You raised a pointed eyebrow. “What if I’m not interested in him?”

“(Y/N).” Izuku deadpanned. “You and I both know that you are.”

You snickered a little, the sound coming out breathy and broken. “Ok. One date. We’ll see where it goes from there.”

. . .

Izuku knew you and Iida had it bad for each other. The staring longingly when the other wasn’t looking, the flustered laughing, all the goddamn blushing, there was a lot. It was torture watching you both dance around each other, but he knew it wasn’t easy for you. He had left his mark on you, even if it wasn’t a physical one. 

Izuku wasn’t exactly thrilled to push you right back into dating when you obviously were uncomfortable, despite knowing that Iida could be a healing presence in your life if you let him. 

So you were going on a date with him. 

“It’s one date, not marriage.” He had said, trying to convince himself as well as you. “There are no obligations.”

Izuku knew Iida. He trusted him with his life, he just wasn’t sure if he trusted him with you. You, the closest thing to a sibling Izuku had ever had. You, who had stayed his friend even after you had manifested your quirk and he’d been left quirkless. You, who stayed by his side and defended him against Kacchan and his other middle school bullies. 

You, who had been hurt before by someone you had liked.

Izuku groaned, flopping onto his bed. “Iida isn’t Him. Iida isn’t Him. He’s not going to hurt (Y/N). They’re going to be fine.”

It still didn’t stop him from constantly checking his phone, to see if you’d messaged him. Today was your date. He check the time again. 3:21. You should be home by now, or at least on the way. He’d told you to text him when you were home and tell him all about the date, but you might’ve forgotten. Maybe he should text your parents?

No. He was your best friend, not your father. He’d wait to see if you contacted him. If you didn’t, no big deal. He’d see you on Monday at school. Izuku very deliberately placed his phone face down on his bedside table. Deciding to go for a jog to get his mind off it, he began to change into his workout clothes.

Not two minutes later, his phone buzzed. Halfway into his gym shorts, Izuku scrambled back to the table, tripping over his own feet and hitting his head squarely on the bed frame. 

“Shit!” He hissed, rubbing his forehead.

“Izuku?” His mother called. “Is everything all right in there?”

“Yeah, I just tripped. I’m okay.” He replied, feeling around for his phone with the hand not cradling his head. Much to Izuku’s disappointment, the text wasn’t from you.

Much to his surprise though, it was from Iida.

Iida: Is (L/N) afraid of me?

“Uh oh,” He murmured, fingers already flying across the keypad.

Izuku: wdym? Did something happen during your date?

Iida: Kind of? It went well, but (L/N) seemed really nervous.

Izuku: And you weren’t? Lol, it’s your first date

Iida: Well, yes of course I was nervous. (L/N) seems more nervous then would be ordinary in that situation, though.

Izuku: What exactly did they do?

Iida: They were very overly jittery. They looked apprehensive and guilty whenever we talked. At one point I put my hand on their arm and they flinched. 

“Oh shit,” Izuku whispered. Iida wasn’t done, though.

Iida: The night ended well enough, I suppose. They seemed to have a good time, it just looked like they were too frightened to enjoy it to the full extent, though.

Izuku: You didn’t do anything weird, did you?

Iida: Weird how? All I did was talk to them. I offered to pay for their food, but they declined. I touched their arm, but once they flinched away I didn’t try again. We walked back to the train station together, and I offered to accompany them home, but they shot me down again.

Izuku sighed, rubbing his throbbing temples. It was a delicate situation. It wasn’t really Izuku’s place to tell Iida your business. So how was he going to tell Iida that you had relationship trauma without actually telling him?

Izuku: Ok, I don’t think you did anything wrong. (Y/N) gets nervous at the idea of dating, but I promise it’s not you. They’ve had bad experiences with dating, but they seem to really like you and want to try again.

Izuku: (Y/N)’s story isn’t mine to tell. If they feel comfortable giving you all the details, then they will. All you need to know for now is that their anxiety isn’t your fault. It also doesn’t mean that they don’t like you because I don’t think I’ve ever seen them as happy with someone as they are with you  

Iida: I see. Their behavior makes a little more sense now. Thank you for telling me, Midoriya. I’d like to have a relationship with them, so on Monday I’ll talk to them and see if there’s anything I can do or stop doing to make them more comfortable. I don’t think I’ve ever been happier than I am when I’m with them either, in all honesty. I would hate to loose them over a misunderstanding.

Izuku chuckled, smiling warmly at his device. “What was I ever worried about?”

#mha #bnha #iida #tenya #tenya iida #iida x reader #tenya x reader #tenya iida x reader #deku #izuku #midoriya #izuku midoriya #deku x reader #izuku x reader #midoriya x reader #bnha x reader #mha x reader

[savagesbonergarage]

ok, i need SMUTTY thrawn. like anything you wanna write

Don't we all 😏

I’m weirdly a little upset with Thrawn right now for ridiculous headspace reasons, so this is gonna be interesting. I think I have a good idea, though...We’ll see how this turns out lol

Update: Wow this has a lot of feelings??? Apparently I needed to get that out of my system *shrug*

A/N - Tried to write this for a gender-neutral reader so let me know how that works 🤐, longer than I expected but what else is new, yeah feelings like I said, but it turns into you domming Thrawn so I think it’s worth it, face-riding, cumming in pants, role-play? kinda?, the smut’s at the end

Thrawn

“Neglect”

“What is this?” you asked with a knowing curiosity and no small amount of irritation in your voice.  

You held the painted helmet in your hands, Thrawn’s gaze never leaving it until he eventually answered you through a defeated sigh. “It belonged to one of the rebel captives I’ve been tracking. The boy Jedi.”

“I see...” you retorted unflinchingly, inspecting the crude loth-cat design on the front of it through hardened, yet undeniably sad eyes. “So this is what you’ve been up to this entire time? Spending your vacation working instead of...” 

Instead of being with me, like you’d promised.

The chiss finally rose from his seat, although he still couldn’t bring himself to meet your eyes. He was fully aware of the situation he’d created, of the promises he’d made and failed to keep, and most importantly the lies he’d told in order to continue tracking this particular band of rebels. “I...I apologize for disappointing you.”

You uttered a scoff, nearly rolling your eyes at his words. After finally catching him in the act when he’d sworn he was too tired to stay up with you and was heading straight to bed all these nights, it was difficult not to take this revelation a little personally. Not to mention his superiors had specifically instructed him to use this shore leave to actually relax and enjoy himself after his continuous dedication to the Empire and his duties without fail or complaint - and when he’d arrived with more luggage than usual, you interpreted that to mean that he was intending to stay the entire length of his trip this time with no intention of returning to work early as he typically did - however, that extra baggage was ultimately filled with rebel artifacts that he was fully preparing to study. 

“I’m not disappointed, nor am I surprised,” you admitted through a sigh, moving to stand straight across from him with only the width of the helmet between you as you continued, “I don’t know why I was expecting this time to be different from any of the others. I know you. When you’re dedicated to pursuing something, there’s no stopping you or trying to change your mind.”

His lips parted as though he had something to say, but ultimately decided against it. He must have seen through your facade of trying to keep your expression firm as he gently spoke your name, and you silently cursed yourself for never being able to keep a straight face. You caught his hand when he moved to bring it to your cheek, only holding it firmly in mid air as you kept your head down while you asked him the question that had been plaguing your mind for years.

“Are you still pursuing me?”

You clutched his hand even tighter, your frown already shifting into a grimace as you stared straight down into the visor of the helmet. This talk wasn’t one you’d been particularly looking forward to having, especially since you more or less already had a preconceived notion of what his answer would be. Perhaps your relationship really had changed, and rather than voice it outright, Thrawn expected you to determine the status of it through context to avoid having an uncomfortable conversation. It certainly didn’t feel like the two of you were lovers anymore, and with this revelation that he had the time for intimacy if he desired it and was choosing his usual activities over being in your arms, there was little reason to believe otherwise. 

The helmet was abruptly removed from your hands and placed elsewhere, with the hand that was holding yours moving to snake around your waist as you felt him pull you against his broad chest. It was a kind gesture, but what you really wanted was a definitive answer. 

“Thrawn-”

“I’ve always been adept at coursing after my targets,” he began with an ounce of regret in his somber tone, “yet I find that the ones affecting my career operations tend to take precedence over the ventures in my personal life.”

You’d already known that much, and yet the sinking fear that came with the prospect of the inevitable “it’s not you, it’s me” parting discussion still began to overtake you. It felt like you were going through all the stages of grief all at once - denial, anger, bargaining, depression...but you weren’t ready to accept this just yet. You weren’t sure you ever would be. Anger was definitely occupying the forefront of your mind; anger at Thrawn, anger at the Empire, anger at yourself...you wouldn’t be enduring all of this if you’d never fallen for him in the first place. You just had to go and fall in love with a man that was emotionally and physically unavailable, didn’t you? You’d known at least some extent of what you’d be getting into when you agreed to be his significant other - that your rendezvous together would be short-lived and few and far between, with his work always taking priority over you, but this...knowing that given the choice, given the mandate, he was still choosing the rebels over you...

It hurt.

You were tensing up in his arms, doing all that you could to keep the tears from forming. If only to encourage the transparency you wanted to see from him, you began solemnly pouring your thoughts out against his chest, the release of the words you'd been keeping to yourself for so long aiding in your preemptive recovery somewhat.

"I've often thought about joining the rebellion just to reclaim some of your attention," you admitted, the statement sounding more pathetic to your ears than you'd anticipated, "I've never been an artist, but I like to imagine what it would be like if I made rebel propaganda for you to find. I've wondered if you'd even be able to figure out it was mine, and that with every stroke it was really just me trying to tell you..." ...that I love you.

You hadn’t realized you were crying until you felt yourself involuntarily choking on a sob, and before you could hide your face from him his hands were caressing either side of your jaw and pulling you up into a deep, tender kiss. 

How long had it been? When was the last time you felt his touch like this, let alone a kiss? It almost didn't feel real, and you instinctively returned his vigor to make sure it wasn't all just a fantasy. Your tears were stinging against both of your faces now, and Thrawn drew back to wipe them away with the pads of his thumbs. His glowing red eyes were so melancholy, his brows threading into a line as you held his indigo hands to your face and leaned into them, as though the warmth of his skin was a rare sensation that you were savoring to remember back on when you'd be without it again.

"My love..." Thrawn began, his voice soothing as he brought his lips to the tender flesh of your ear, "if I've been so neglectful of your needs that you would become my enemy to be closer to me, then I've failed you so much more exponentially than I ever could have surmised. For that, I am so, so very sorry."

Part of you perked up at the implication that perhaps he wasn't intending to cut ties with you just yet, although it was clear he had much more to say. You brought his hands down to your chest and interlocked your fingers with his, holding onto them for dear life as he continued. "I...I have become consumed by my mission. My mind won't allow me any reprieve unless I've made substantial new discoveries and analyses concerning these rebels on a constant basis. I haven't faced any challenging opposition like them in quite some time, and to feel the invigoration of facing a worthy opponent with the potential to outmaneuver me...it's...addicting."

You listened to his confession intently, relieved to have him opening his heart to you once again. You brought his hands up to your mouth and smiled with amusement before you placed a kiss against them and bore into his concerned gaze with a look of alleviation gracing your own features. “I think I’m beginning to understand where your superiors were coming from when they demanded you take this leave.”

Thrawn’s countenance softened as he returned your smile, even managing something of a titter while he brought your own hands to his lips. “Am I that insufferable?”

“You already know the answer to that.”

He flashed his teeth in an impudent grin, moistening your skin with his lips as he resumed speaking against it. “Reassuring, as always.”

“Thrawn...” you spoke gingerly as the seriousness of the conversation recommenced and you withdrew your hands, rubbing the place where his warmth had just been while you gathered up the courage to proceed with your thoughts, “I need to know where we stand. It would have been stupid of me to expect our relationship to be like anyone else’s...I’ve been aware from the beginning that your duties come first, and I’m perfectly content with that. I want to see you succeed, and I love that you’re so persistent and driven. But...”

“I know,” he interjected, his guilty conscience evident simply by the tone of his voice, “my behavior as of late has been inexcusable. You mean so much more to me than I’ve led you to believe. It has been despicable of me to overlook your wishes in favor of my work when it is unnecessary. I...I love you, and...I’d like to make it up to you.”

Your heart breathed a sigh of relief, remedied by the fact that it still belonged to him. Before you knew it, you were back in his arms in an instant and planting another passionate kiss at the corner of his mouth while you grasped at his light civilian clothing. “Do you mean it?” you asked before he could properly perform the action in return.

“Of course. There are few things I wouldn’t do for you.”

For you, that was about as good as anyone else saying that they would do anything. Some things were off the table, such as leaving the Empire or betraying the Chiss or halting his investigation of the mysterious alien race that posed a threat to the entire galaxy - but other than that, he was yours, and that was more than enough.

“I might already have a few ideas...” you admitted pleasantly, capturing his lips in a more heated kiss as you wrapped your arms around his neck. His smile granted you more access to the rest of his mouth and you obliged, nipping at his skin and warring with his tongue as both of your actions became more lascivious. It wasn’t long before you felt his warm, strong hands snaking up your bare abdomen while you fumbled with the clasps of his shirt, though it become more difficult to concentrate once he reached your chest and focused his activity there, drawing a moan from deep within your throat. Taking note of your struggle, he briefly took his hands away from you to discard his top and aid you in removing your own. 

“I’m intrigued by these ideas, if you wouldn’t mind enlightening me,” Thrawn said as he reached both arms around you to grasp your behind and knead it through the fabric of your pants while he continued to kiss you along your temples and hairline. Your mouth was too busy peppering his pecs with kisses and love-bites to really say much, but that was alright - you were more of a demonstrator, anyway. You brought his hands to your sides and he helped you slide your bottoms down, giving your ass an excited smack once it was bare for him. He attempted to sneak a hand around the supple flesh of your inner thigh and curl a few digits upwards, but you smacked it away.

“Ah-Ah,” you tsked, guiding his arms away from you entirely. He started working at the sealing strip of his own waistband, but again, you stopped him. “No.”

“No?” he asked, a brow raised in amusement but also plenty of genuine confusion. 

“No,” you reaffirmed as you stepped completely out of your pant legs and planted your palms onto his chest, pushing against him with enough force to influence him to step backward. The pressure was continuous, so he didn’t stop until his back hit the cool metal of the durasteel wall behind him. “You’ve kept me waiting for a long time, Admiral.”

“I...yes,” he uttered, slightly taken aback by the firmness and determination in your voice, and especially the mocking tone you used with his moniker, although he’d be lying to himself if he said he didn’t enjoy it. 

In an impressive display of flexibility, you raised your leg up until your heel rested in the curve of Thrawn’s neck and over his shoulder, holding him in place as you stared him down with an air of dominion. “I’ve lost most of my patience,” you explained as you applied a significant amount of strength down through your foot and into his muscle, indicating once again that he was to move. He did so silently this time, enraptured by your confidence as he slid down until he was sitting on the hard ground. Your foot didn’t let up, adding more pressure as your tone became a little more demanding. “Down. All the way.”

He obliged, shifting downwards so he could lean back onto his forearms and lower himself completely onto the floor. Your foot remained on his shoulder, a smile contorting your face as you could see he was taking in the view and enjoying it, his tongue darting out to wet his lips. His eyes eventually met yours, giving you an innocent and questioning look as he spoke.

“Would you like to take this outside of the office? To the bedroom, perhaps?”

“Here’s fine,” you retorted smugly, and for a moment your attention was captured again by the painted rebel helmet that was perched atop the desk beside you. You took it, examining the artwork on the front one more time before you smirked at the curious Chiss beneath you and donned it upon your head. His breath hitched when you suddenly dropped to your knees over his chest and slid your hand around to the apex of his skull, lightly grabbing a fistful of previously perfectly slicked-back hair before gazing straight down into his crimson orbs.

“Are you still curious?” you asked with an inflection of authority.

He swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing with the motion before he spoke lowly, just above a whisper. “I believe I understand.”

“Good,” you began, positioning yourself directly over his face as you pulled his head forward so that the tip of his nose was only centimeters away from the source of your pulsing heat, “...you kriffing Imp.”

With that, you saddled his face and sighed when you felt the hot wetness of his mouth envelop you, the room quickly filling with the sounds of the obscene slurps and smacks of his ministrations on your flesh. Your other hand grasped another lock of his hair as you bucked against him, his tongue finding all your most sensitive spots as it darted over them, and all the while you carefully supported his neck while he fucked you religiously with his face. You looked down at the master tactician through half-lidded eyes before throwing your head back in ecstasy, feeling the creep of your climax edging closer and closer. You were having a difficult time catching your breath, and eventually you decided that this sensation ought to be somewhat mutual.

You reached your hand back behind you and starting palming Thrawn’s erection through the fabric of his pants, earning an approving sigh between your legs as you stimulated the head through the still-expanding wet stain of his precum. You jerked him as well as you could in tandem with his movements, struggling to suppress the moans and expletives that erupted from your lips as he went at you even harder. His hands gripped your hips with a cautious desperation as both of your breaths became increasingly ragged, and it wasn’t long before your thighs were quivering against his ears as your orgasm crashed over you in waves of absolute pleasure. Your gasps of euphoria coupled with the intensified friction of your touch had Thrawn stilling and slightly jerking his hips not long after, finally leaning his head back away from your entrance as his face flushed while he came in his pants.

The both of you relaxed as you were overtaken by the surge of your highs, and after a while you managed to shift downward so that you were straddling his waist as you removed the helmet and set it aside. You returned your attention to the handsome, feverish warrior panting beneath you and moved a stray strand of his mussed hair back into place. You leaned forward and kissed him gently on his swollen lips, not minding the taste of yourself as you rested on top of him and listened to the accelerated beating of his heart together with yours.

And when his arms wrapped around you while he planted a loving kiss on your forehead, you looked up at the ceiling and pondered just how much work he’d get done the next time he studied that helmet.

#thrawn #grand admiral thrawn #thrawn x reader #grand admiral thrawn x reader #thrawn smut #lemon #star wars rebels #star wars x reader #star wars smut

[pumpkinpaix]

Hi! Loving your meta on suibian :)) Just wondering what were your frustrations with cql, especially considered you've watched this in multiple mediums? (I've only watched cql)

Hi anon! thank you so much!

Oh boy, you’ve unlocked a boatload of hidden dialogue, are you ready?? :D (buckle up it’s oof. Extremely Long)

@hunxi-guilai please consider this my official pitch for why I think the novel is worth reading, if only so you can enjoy the audio drama more fully. ;)

a few things before I get into it:

I don’t want to make this a 100% negative post because I really do love CQL so much! So I’m going to make it two parts: the changes that frustrated me the most and the changes I loved the most re: CQL vs novel. (again, don’t really know anything about donghua or manhua sorry!!) Sound good? :D

this will contain spoilers for the entirety of CQL and the novel. just like. All of it.

talking about the value of changes in CQL is difficult because I personally don’t know what changes were made for creative reasons and what changes were made for censorship reasons. I don’t think it’s entirely fair to evaluate the narrative worth of certain changes when I don’t know what their limitations were. It’s not just a matter of “gay content was censored”; China also has certain censorship restrictions on the portrayal of the undead, among other things. I, unfortunately, am not familiar enough with the ins and outs of Chinese censorship to be able to tell anyone with certainty what was and wasn’t changed for what reason. So I guess just, take whatever my opinions are with a grain of salt! I will largely avoid addressing issues related to how explicitly romantic wangxian is, for obvious reasons.

OKAY. In order to impose some kind of control on how much time I spend on this, I’m going to limit myself to four explicated points in each category, best/worst. Please remember that I change my opinions constantly, so these are just like. the top contenders at this specific point in my life. Starting with the worst so we can end on a positive note!

Henceforth, the novel is MDZS, CQL is CQL.

CQL’s worst crimes, according to cyan:

1. Polarizing Wei Wuxian and Jin Guangyao on the moral spectrum

I’ve heard rumors that this was a censorship issue, but I have never been able to confirm or deny it, so. Again, grain of salt. 

The way that CQL reframed Wei Wuxian and Jin Guangyao’s character arcs drives me up the wall because I think it does a huge disservice to both of them and the overarching themes of the story. Jin Guangyao is shown to be responsible for pretty much all the tragedy post-Sunshot, which absolves Wei Wuxian of all possible wrongdoing and flattens Jin Guangyao into a much less interesting villain.

What I find so interesting about MDZS is how much it emphasizes the role of external forces and situations in determining a person’s fate: that being “good” or “righteous” at heart is simply not enough. You can do everything with all the best intentions and still do harm, still fail, still lose everything. Even “right” choices can have terrible consequences. Everyone starts out innocent. “In this world, everyone starts without grievances, but there is always someone who takes the first blow.”

It matters that Wei Wuxian is the one who loses control and kills Jin Zixuan, that his choices (no matter how impossible and terrible the situation) had consequences because the whole point is that even good people can be forced into corners where they do terrible things. Being good isn’t enough. You can do everything right, make every impossible choice, and fail. You can do the right thing and be punished for it. Maybe you did the right thing, but others suffer for your actions. Is that still the right thing? Is it your fault? Is it? By absolving Wei Wuxian of any conceivable blame, it really changes the narrative conclusion. In MDZS, even the best people can do incomprehensible harm when backed into corners, and the audience is asked to evaluate those actions with nuance. Is a criminal fully culpable for the harm they do when their external circumstances forced them into situations where they felt like they had no good choices left?

Personally, I feel like the novel asks you to forgive Wei Wuxian his wrongs, and, in paralleling him with Jin Guangyao, shows how easily they could have been one another. Both of them are extraordinarily talented sons of commoners; the difference lies in what opportunities they were given as they were growing up and how they choose to react to grievances. Wei Wuxian is adopted early on into the head family of a prominent sect and treated (more or less—not going to get into it) like a son. Jin Guangyao begs, borrows, steals, kills for every scrap of prestige and honor he gets and understands that his position in life is, at all points, extraordinarily unstable. Wei Wuxian doesn’t take his grievances to heart, but Jin Guangyao does.

To be clear, I don’t think the novel places a moral value on holding grudges, if that makes sense. I think MDZS only indicates that acts of vengeance always lead to more bloodshed—that the only escape is to lay down your arms, no matter how bitter the taste. Wei Wuxian was horribly wronged in many ways, and I don’t think I would fault him for wanting revenge or holding onto his anger—but I do think it’s clear that if he did, it would destroy him. It destroys Jin Guangyao, after all.

(It also destroys Xue Yang, and I think the parallel actually also extends to him. Yi City, to me, is a very interesting microcosm of a lot of broader themes in MDZS, and I have a lot of Thoughts on Xue Yang and equivalent justice, etc. etc. but. Thoughts for another time.)

Wei Wuxian is granted a happy ending not because he is Good, but because public opinion has changed, because there’s a new scapegoat, because he is protected by someone in power, because he lets go of the past, and because the children see him for who he is. I really do think that the reason MDZS and CQL have a hopeful ending as opposed to a bleak one hinges on the juniors. We are shown very clearly throughout the story how easily and quickly the tide of public opinion turns. The reason we don’t fear that it’s going to happen to Wei Wuxian again (or any other surviving character we love) is, I think, because the juniors, who don’t lose their childhoods to war, have the capacity to see past their parents’ prejudices and evaluate the actions of the people in front of them without having their opinions clouded by intense trauma and fear. They are forged out of love, not fire.

In CQL however, it emphasizes that Wei Wuxian is Fundamentally Good and did No Wrong Ever, so he deserves his happy ending, while Jin Guangyao is Fundamentally Bad and Responsible For Everything, so he got what was coming to him (even if we feel bad for him maybe). That’s not nearly as interesting or meaningful. 


(One specific change to Jin Guangyao’s timeline of evil that I find particularly vexing, not including the one I will discuss in point 2, is changing when Jin Rusong was conceived. In the novel, Qin Su is supposedly already pregnant by the time they get married, and that matters a WHOLE LOT when evaluating Jin Guangyao’s actions, I think.)

2. Wen POWs used as target obstacles at Baifeng Mountain

I know the first point was “here’s an overarching plot change that I think deeply impacts the narrative themes” and this second one is “I despise this one specific scene detail so much”, but HEAR ME OUT. It’s related to the first point! (tbh, most things are related to the first point)

Personally, I think this one detail character assassinates like. almost everyone in attendance, but most egregiously in no particular order: Jin Guangyao, Jin Zixuan (and by extension, Jiang Yanli), Wei Wuxian, Lan Wangji and Lan Xichen.

First, I think it’s a cheap plot device that’s obviously meant to enhance Jin Guangyao’s ~villainy while emphasizing Wei Wuxian’s growing righteous anger, but it fails so spectacularly, god, I literally hate this detail so much lmao. I’ll go by character.

Jin Guangyao: I get that CQL is invested in him being a ~bad person~ or whatever, but this is such a transparently like, cartoon villain move that lacks subtlety and elegance. Jin Guangyao is very dedicated to being highly diplomatic, appeasing, and non-threatening in his bid for power. He manipulates behind the scenes, does his father’s dirty work, etc. but he always shows a gentle, smiling face. This display tips his hand pretty obviously, and even if it were at the behest of his father, there’s literally no reason for him to be so “ohohoho I’m so evil~” about it—if anything, this would only serve to drive his sympathizers away. It’s a stupid move for him politically, and really undercuts his supposed intelligence and cleverness, in my personal opinion.

Jin Zixuan: yes, he is arrogant and vain and likes to show off! But putting his ego above the safety of innocent people? Like, not necessarily OOC, but it sure makes him much less sympathetic in my eyes. I find it hard to believe that Jiang Yanli would find this laudable or acceptable, but she’s given a few shots where she smiles with some kind of pride and it’s like. No! Do not do my queen dirty like this. She wouldn’t!

Wei Wuxian: where do I start! WHERE DO I START. Wei Wuxian is shown to be “righteously angry” about this, but steps down mutinously when Jiang Cheng motions him back. He looks shocked and outraged at Jin Zixuan for showing off with no concern for the safety of the Wen POWs, only to like, two seconds later, do the exact same thing, but worse! And at the provocation of Jin Zixun, no less! *screams into hands* The tonal shift is bizarre! We’re in this really tense ~moral quandary~, but then he flirts with Lan Wangji for a second (tense music still kinda playing?? it’s awful. I hate it), and then does his trickshot. You know! Putting all these people he’s supposedly so concerned about at risk! To one-up Jin Zixuan! It’s nonsensical. It’s such a conflict of priorities. This is supposed to make him seem honorable and cool, I guess? But it mostly just makes him look like a performative hypocrite. :///

Lan Wangji: I cannot believe that Lan Wangji saw this and did not immediately walk out in protest.

Lan Xichen: this is just one part of a larger problem with Lan Xichen’s arc in CQL vs MDZS, where his character development was an unwitting casualty of both wangxian censorship and CQL’s quest to demonize Jin Guangyao. One of the prevailing criticisms I see of Lan Xichen’s character is that he is a “centrist”, that he “allows bad things to happen through his inaction and desire to avoid conflict”, and that he is “stupid and willfully blind to Jin Guangyao’s faults”, when I don’t think any of this is supported by evidence in the novel whatsoever. Jin Guangyao is a subtle villain! He is a talented manipulator and liar! Even Wei Wuxian says it in the novel!

(forgive my rough translations /o\)

Chapter 49, as Wei Wuxian (through Empathy with Nie Mingjue’s head) listens to Lan Xichen defend Meng Yao immediately following Wen Ruohan’s assassination:

魏无羡心中摇头：“泽芜君这个人还是……太纯善了。”可再一想，他是因为已知金光瑶的种种嫌疑才能如此防备，可在蓝曦臣面前的孟瑶，却是一个忍辱负重，身不由己，孤身犯险的卧底，二人视角不同，感受又如何能相提并论？

Wei Wuxian shook his head to himself: “This Zewu-jun is still…… too pure and kind.” But then he thought again—he could only be so guarded because he already knew of all of Jin Guangyao’s suspicious behavior, but the Meng Yao before Lan Xichen was someone who had had no choice but to suffer in silence for his mission, who placed himself in grave danger, alone, undercover. The two of them had different perspectives, so how could their feelings be compared?

Chapter 63, after Wei Wuxian wakes up in the Cloud Recesses, having been brought there by Lan Wangji:

他不是不能理解蓝曦臣。他从聂明玦的视角看金光瑶，将其奸诈狡猾与野心勃勃尽收眼底，然而，如果金光瑶多年来在蓝曦臣面前一直以伪装相示，没理由要他不去相信自己的结义兄弟，却去相信一个臭名昭著腥风血雨之人。

It wasn’t that he couldn’t understand Lan Xichen. He had seen Jin Guangyao from Nie Mingjue’s perspective, and so had seen all of his treacherous and cunning obsession with ambition. However, if Jin Guangyao had for all these years only shown Lan Xichen a disguise, there was no reason for [Lan Xichen] to believe a famously violent person [Wei Wuxian] over his own sworn brother.

Lan Xichen, throughout the story, is being actively lied to and manipulated by Jin Guangyao. His only “mistake” was being kind and trying to give Meng Yao, someone who came from a place of great disadvantage, the benefit of the doubt instead of immediately dismissing him as worthless due to his birth or his station in life. Lan Xichen sees Meng Yao as someone who was forced to make impossible choices in impossible situations—you know, the way that we, the audience, are led to perceive Wei Wuxian. The only difference is that the story that we’re given about Wei Wuxian is true, while the story that Lan Xichen is given about Meng Yao is… not. But how would have have known?

The instant he is presented with a shred of evidence to the contrary, he revokes Jin Guangyao’s access to the Cloud Recesses, pursues that evidence to the last, and is horrified to discover that his trust was misplaced.

Lan Xichen’s willingness to consider different points of view is integral to Wei Wuxian’s survival and eventual happiness. Without Lan Xichen’s kindness, there is no way that Wei Wuxian would have ever been able to clear his name. Everyone else was calling for his blood, but Lan Wangji took him home, and Lan Xichen not only allowed it, he listened to and helped them. To the characters of the book who are not granted omniscient knowledge of Wei Wuxian’s actions and circumstances, there is literally no difference between Wei Wuxian and Jin Guangyao. Lan Xichen is being incredibly fair when he asks in chapter 63:

蓝曦臣笑了，道：“忘机，你又是如何判定，一个人究竟可信不可信？”

他看着魏无羡，道：“你相信魏公子，可我，相信金光瑶。大哥的头在他手上，这件事我们都没有亲眼目睹，都是凭着我们自己对另一个人的了解，相信那个人的说辞。

“你认为自己了解魏无羡，所以信任他；而我也认为自己了解金光瑶，所以我也信任他。你相信自己的判断，那么难道我就不能相信自己的判断吗？”

Lan Xichen laughed and said, “Wangji, how can you determine exactly who should and should not be believed?”

He looked at Wei Wuxian and said, “You believe Wei-gongzi, but I believe Jin Guangyao. Neither of us saw with our own eyes whether Da-ge’s head was in his possession. We base our opinions on our own understandings of someone else, our belief in their testimony.

“You think you understand Wei Wuxian, and so you trust him; I also think I understand Jin Guangyao, so I trust him. You trust your own judgment, so can’t I trust my own judgment as well?”

But he hears them out, examines the proof, and acts immediately.

I really do feel like this aspect of Lan Xichen kind of… became collateral damage in CQL. Because Jin Guangyao is so much more publicly malicious, Lan Xichen’s alleged “lack of action” feels much less understandable or acceptable.

It is wild to me that in this scene, Lan Xichen reacts with discomfort to the proceedings, but has nothing to say to Jin Guangyao about it afterwards and also applauds Wei Wuxian’s archery. (I could talk about Nie Mingjue here as well, but I would say Nie Mingjue and Lan Xichen have very different perspectives on morality, so this moment isn’t necessarily OOC for NMJ, but I do think is very OOC for LXC.) This scene (among a few others that have Jin Guangyao being more openly “evil”) makes Lan Xichen look like a willfully blind bystander by the end of the story, but having him react with any action would have been inconvenient for the plot. Thus, he behaves exactly as he did in the book, but under very different circumstances. It reads inconsistently with the rest of his character (since a lot of the beats in the novel still happen in the show), and weakens the narrative surrounding his person.

None of these overt displays of cruelty or immorality happen in the book, so it makes perfect sense that he doesn’t do or suspect anything! Jin Guangyao is, as stated, perfectly disguised towards Lan Xichen. You can’t blame him for “failing to act” when someone was purposefully keeping him in the dark and, from his perspective, there was nothing to act upon.

This scene specifically is almost purely lighthearted in the novel! If you take out the Wen POWs, this just becomes a fun scene where Wei Wuxian shows off, flirts with Lan Wangji, gets into a pissing match with Jin Zixuan, and is overall kind of a brat! It’s great! I love this scene! The blindfolded shot is ridiculous and over-the-top and very cute!

I know this is a lot of extrapolation, but the whole scene is soured for me due to you know. *gestures upwards* Which is really a shame because it’s one of my favorite silly scenes in the book! Alas! @ CQL why! ;A;

3. Lan Xichen already being an adult and sect leader at the start of the show

This is rapidly becoming a, “Lan Xichen was Wronged and I Have the Receipts” essay (oh no), but you know what, that’s fine I guess! I never said I was impartial!

CQL makes Lan Xichen seem much older and more experienced than he is in the novel, though we’re not given his specific age. In the novel, he is not sect leader yet when Wei Wuxian and co. arrive at the Cloud Recesses for lectures. His father, Qingheng-jun, is in seclusion, and his uncle is the de facto leader of the sect. Lan Xichen does not become sect leader until his father dies at the burning of the Cloud Recesses. Moreover, my understanding of the text is that he is at most 19 years old when this happens. Wen Ruohan remarks that Lan Xichen is still a junior at the beginning of the Sunshot Campaign in chapter 61. (If someone has a different interpretation of the term 小辈, please correct me.) In any case! Lan Xichen is young.

Lan Xichen ascends to power under horrific circumstances: he is not an adult, his father has just been murdered, his uncle seriously injured, his brother kidnapped, and his home burnt to the ground. He is on the run, alone! Carrying the sacred texts of his family and trying to stay alive so his sect is not completely wiped out on the eve of war! He is terrified, inexperienced, and unprepared!

You know, just like Jiang Cheng, a few months later!

I see a lot of people lambasting Lan Xichen for not stepping up to protect the Wen remnants post-Sunshot, but I’m always flummoxed by the accusations because I don’t see criticisms of Jiang Cheng with remotely the same vitriol, even though their political positions are nearly identical:

they are both extraordinarily young sect leaders who came to power before they expected to through incredible violence done to their families

because of this, they are in very weak political positions: they have very little experience to offer as evidence of their competence and right to respect. if they are considered adults, they have only very recently come of age.

Jin Guangshan, who is rapidly and greedily taking the place of the Wen clan in the vacuum of power, is shown to be more than willing to mow people down to get what he wants—and he has the power to do so.

both Yunmeng Jiang and Gusu Lan were crippled by the Wen clan prior to Sunshot. And they just fought a war that lasted two and a half years. they are hugely weakened and in desperate need of time to rebuild, mourn, etc. both Jiang Cheng and Lan Xichen are responsible for the well-being of all of these people who are now relying upon them.

I think it’s very obvious that Jiang Cheng is in an impossible situation because he wears his fears and insecurities on his face and people in power (cough Jin Guangshan) prey upon that, while we, as the audience, have a front row seat for that whole tragedy. We understand his choices, even if they hurt us.

Why shouldn’t Lan Xichen be afforded the same consideration?

I really do think that because he’s presented as someone who’s much more composed and confident in his own abilities than Jiang Cheng is, we tend to forget exactly what pressures he was facing at the same time. We just assume, oh yes, of course Lan Xichen has the power to do something! He’s Lan Xichen! The First Jade! Isn’t he supposed to be Perfectly Good? Why isn’t he doing The Right Thing?

I think this is exacerbated by CQL’s decision to make him an established sect leader at the start of the show with several years of experience under his belt. We don’t know his age, but he is assumed to be an Adult. This gives him more power and stability, and so it seems more unacceptable that he does not make moves to protect the Wen remnants, even if in essence, he and Jiang Cheng’s political positions are still quite similar. He doesn’t really have any more power to save the Wen remnants without placing his whole clan in danger of being wiped out again, but CQL implies that he does, even if it isn’t the intention of the change.

It does make me really sad that this change also drives a further thematic divide between Lan Xichen and the rest of his generation. Almost everyone in that generation came of age through a war, which I think informs the way their tragedies play out, and how those tragedies exist in contrast to the juniors’ behavior and futures. Making Lan Xichen an experienced adult aligns him with the generation prior to him, which, as we’re shown consistently, is the generation whose adherence to absolutism and fear ruined the lives of their children. But Lan Xichen is just as much a victim of this as his peers.

(the exception being maybe Nie Mingjue, but it’s complicated. I think Nie Mingjue occupies a very interesting position in the narrative, but like. That’s. For another time! this is. already so far out of hand. oh my god this is point three out of eight oh nO)

(yet another aside because I can’t help myself: can you believe we were robbed of paralleling scenes of Jiang Cheng and Lan Xichen’s coronations? the visual drama of that. the poetic cinema. it’s not in the book, but can you IMAGINE. thank u @paledreamsblackmoths​ for putting this image into my head so that I can suffer forever knowing that I’ll never get it.)

I said I wasn’t going to talk at length about any changes surrounding Wangxian’s explicit romance for obvious reasons, but I will at least lament here that because a large percentage of Lan Xichen’s actions and character beats are directly in relation to Lan Wangji’s love for Wei Wuxian, he loses a lot of both minor and major moments to the censors as well. Many of the instances when he encourages Lan Wangji to talk to Wei Wuxian, when he indulges in their relationship etc. are understandably gone. But the most significant moment that was cut for censorship reasons I think is when he loses his temper with Wei Wuxian at the Guanyin temple and lays into him with all the fury and terror he felt for his brother’s broken heart for the last thirteen years.

Lan Xichen is only shown to express true anger twice in the whole story, both times at the Guanyin temple: first against Wei Wuxian for what he perceives as gross disregard for his little brother’s convictions, and second against Jin Guangyao for his massive betrayal of trust. And you know, murdering his best friend. Among other things.

I’m genuinely so sad that we don’t get to see Lan Xichen tear Wei Wuxian to shreds for what he did to Lan Wangji because I think one of the most important aspects to Lan Xichen’s character is how much he loves, cares for and fears for his little brother. The reveal about Lan Wangji’s punishment in episode 43 is a sad and sober conversation, but it’s not nearly as impactful, especially because Wei Wuxian asks about it of his own volition. I understand that this isn’t CQL’s fault! But. I can still mourn it right? ahahaha. :’)

I’ll stop before I descend further into nothing but Lan Xichen meta because that’s. Dangerous. (I have a lot of Feelings about how there are three characters who are held up as paragons of virtue in MDZS, how they all suffered in spite of their goodness, and how that all ties directly into the whole, “it is not enough to be good, but kindness is never wrong” theme. Anyways, they’re Xiao Xingchen, Jiang Yanli, and Lan Xichen, but NOT NOW. NOT TODAY.)

So yes, I’m a Lan Xichen apologist on main, and yes, I understand my feelings are incredibly personally motivated and influenced by my subjective emotions, but no I do not take concrit on this point, thank you very much.

4. all of the Wen remnants turning themselves in alongside Wen Qing and Wen Ning

Okay, back to plot changes. This change I would be willing to bet money was at least partially due to censorship, but it hurts me so deeply hahaha. It makes literally no sense for any of the characters and it completely janks the timeline of events post Qiongqi Dao 2.0 through Wei Wuxian’s death.

It’s not ALL bad—this change makes it easier for the Peak Wangxian moment at the Bloodbath at Nightless City (You know. Hands. Cliff. etc.) to happen, which I did very much enjoy. It’s pretty on-brand for CQL to sacrifice plot for character beats that they want to emphasize, so like. I get it! This moment is a huge gift! I Understand This. CQL collapses the Bloodbath at Nightless City and the First Siege of the Mass Graves into one event for I think a few reasons. One, Wangxian moment without being explicitly Wangxian, which is excellent. Two, it circumvents the Blood Corpse scene, which I do not think would have made it past censorship.

I’ll get to the Blood Corpse scene in a minute, but despite being able to understand why so much might have been sacrificed for the impact of the cliff scene, I still wish it had been done differently (and I feel like it could have been!), if only for my peace of mind because the plot holes it creates are pretty gaping.

The entire point of Wen Qing and Wen Ning turning themselves in is specifically to save their family members and Wei Wuxian from coming to further harm. That’s explicit, even in the show. Jin Guangshan demands that the Wen brother and sister stand for their crimes and claims that the blood debt will be paid. The Wen remnants understand that Wei Wuxian has given up so much for their sakes, that he has lost his family, his home, his respectability, his health, all in the name of sheltering them. To throw all of that away would be the greatest disrespect to his sacrifices. Wen Qing and Wen Ning decide that if their lives can pay for the safety of their loved ones and ensure that Wei Wuxian’s sacrifices matter, they are willing to go together and give themselves up.

So. Why did they. All go?? For… moral support???? D: Wen Qing says that Wei Wuxian will wake up in three days and that she’s given Fourth Uncle and the others instructions for his care–but then Fourth Uncle and the others all go with them!! To die!! There’s also very clearly a shot of Granny Wen taking A’Yuan with them, which like. Obviously didn’t really happen.

Wen Qing, who loves her family more than anything in the world, agrees that they should all go to Lanling and sacrifice themselves to…. protect Wei Wuxian? Wen Qing, pragmatic queen of my heart, agrees to this absurdly bad exchange?? Leaves Wei Wuxian to wake up, alone, with the knowledge that he had not only killed his brother-in-law but also effectively gotten everyone he had left killed also??

I can’t imagine Wen Qing doing that to Wei Wuxian. Save his life? For what? This takes away everything he has left to live for. You think Wen Qing doesn’t intimately understand how cruel that would be?

(Yes, I’m complaining about all of this, but I’m still about to cry because I rewatched the scene to make sure I didn’t say anything untrue, and  g o d  it manages to hit hard despite all of that, so who’s the real clown here!!)

Anyways. So that’s all just like. Frustratingly incoherent. It’s one of several wrongs I think CQL committed against Wen Qing’s character, but my feelings about Wen Qing in CQL are pretty complicated (I love her so much, and I love that we got more Wen Qing content, but that content sure is a mixed bag of stuff I really enjoyed and stuff I desperately wish didn’t exist) and I decided I wasn’t going to get into it in this post. (is anyone even still reading god)

This change also muddles Lan Wangji’s choices and punishment in ways that I think diminishes the severity of the situation to the detriment of both his characterization and his family’s characterization. The punishment scene is extremely moving and you should read this post about the language used in it but. sldfjsljslkf.

okay well, several things. In the context of CQL, which really pushes the “righteousness” angle of Wei Wuxian (see point 1), I think this scene makes a lot of sense in isolation: both Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian are painted as martyrs for doing the right thing. “Who’s right and who’s wrong?” The audience is asked to see the punishment as “unjust”. That’s perfectly fine and coherent in the context of CQL, but I don’t think it’s nearly as interesting as what happens in MDZS.

Because CQL collapses both the First Siege and the Bloodbath into one event, Lan Wangji’s crimes are sort of unclearly defined. In episode 43, when Lan Xichen is explaining the situation, we see a flashback to when Su She says something along the lines of, “We could set aside the fact that you defended Wei Ying at Nightless City, but now you won’t even let us search his den?” (of course, this gives us the really excellent “you are not qualified to talk to me” line which. delicious. extremely vindicating and satisfying. petty king lan wangji.) Lan Xichen goes on to say something like, “Wangji alone caused several disturbances at the Mass Graves. Uncle was greatly angered, and [decreed his punishment]”. (Sorry, I’m too lazy to type out the full lines with translations, just. trust me on this one.)

Lan Wangji’s actions are shown to be motivated by a righteous love. Wei Wuxian is portrayed as someone innocent who stood up for the right thing against popular opinion and was scapegoated and destroyed for it, having done no wrong. (See, point 1 again.)

In MDZS, Lan Wangji’s crimes are very specific. It isn’t just that he caused some “disturbances” (this is just Lan XIchen’s vague phrasing in CQL—we don’t really know what he did). He steals Wei Wuxian away from the Bloodbath at Nightless City, after Wei Wuxian killed thousands of people, and hides him away in a cave, feeding him spiritual energy to save his life. When Lan Wangji’s family comes to find him, demand that he hand over Wei Wuxian (who is, remember, a mass murderer at this point! we can argue about how culpable he is for those actions all day—that’s the whole point, but the people are still dead), Lan Wangji not only refuses, but raises his hands against his family. He seriously injures thirty-three Lan elders to protect Wei Wuxian.

I don’t know how to emphasize how serious that crime is? Culturally, this is like. Unthinkable. To raise your hand against members of your own family, your elders who loved and raised you, in defense of an outsider, a man who, by all accounts, is horrifically evil and just murdered thousands of people, including other members of your own family, is like. That’s a serious betrayal. Oh my god. Lan Wangji, what have you done?

Lan Xichen explains in chapter 99:

我去看他的时候对他说，魏公子已铸成大错，你何苦错上加错了。他却说……他无法断言你所作所为对错如何，但无论对错，他愿意与你一起承担所有后果。

When I went to see him, I said, “Wei-gongzi’s great wrongs are already set in stone, why take the pains to add wrongs upon wrongs?” But he said…… he had no way to ascertain the rights and wrongs of your actions, but regardless of right or wrong, he was willing to bear all the consequences with you.

I think this is very different than what’s going on in CQL, though the differences appear subtle on the surface. In CQL, Lan Wangji demands of his uncle, “Dare I ask Uncle, who is righteous and who is wicked, who is wrong and who is right?” but the very act of asking in this way implies that Lan Wangji has an opinion on the matter (though perhaps not a simple one). 

Lan Wangji in MDZS specifically says that he doesn’t know how to evaluate the morality of Wei Wuxian’s actions, but that regardless, he is willing to bear the consequences of his choices and his actions. He understands that his actions while sheltering Wei Wuxian are not clearly morally defensible. He did it anyways because he loved Wei Wuxian, because he thought that Wei Wuxian was worth saving, that there was still something good in him, despite the things he had done under mitigating circumstances. Lan Wangji did not save Wei Wuxian because he thought it was the right thing to do. He saved him because he loved him.

He is given thirty-three lashes with the discipline whip, one for each elder he maimed, and this leaves him bedridden for three years. Is this punishment horrifyingly severe? Yes! But is it unjustly given? I think that’s a much harder question to answer in the context of the story.

Personally, I think that question underscores the broader questions of morality contained within MDZS. I think it’s a much more interesting take on Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji as individuals. This asks, what can be pardoned? The righteous martyr angle is uncomplicated because moral certainty is easy. I think the situation in MDZS is far more uncomfortable if you examine its implications. And personally, I think that’s more meaningful!

(Not even going to touch on the whole, 300 strokes with a giant rod, but he has whip scars? And they were also sentenced to 300 strokes as kids for drinking alcohol…? CQL is not. consistent. on that front. ahaha.)

God, every point so far in this meta is just like “here’s one change that has cascading effects upon the rest of the show” dear god, okay, I’m getting to the Blood Corpse scene.

So in MDZS, the Wen remnants (besides Wen Ning and Wen Qing) do not go to Lanling. After the Bloodbath at Nightless City, Lan Wangji returns Wei Wuxian to the Mass Graves. Wei Wuxian lives with the Wen remnants for another three months before the First Siege, where he dies and the rest of the Wens are killed (except A’Yuan).

(Sidenote that I won’t get into: I love the dead spaces of time that MDZS creates. There’s very clear gaps in the narrative that we just never get the details on, most notably: Wei Wuxian’s three months in the Mass Graves post core transfer, and Wei Wuxian’s three months in the Mass Graves post Jiang Yanli’s death. They’re both extremely terrible times, but the audence is asked to imagine it instead of ever learning what really happened, what it was like. There’s something really cool about that narratively, I think.)

The Wen remnants are not cremated along with the rest of the dead. Their bodies are thrown into the blood pool.

At the Second Siege, when Wei Wuxian draws a Yin Summoning Flag on his clothes to turn himself into bait for the corpses in order to allow everyone else to escape to safety while he and Lan Wangji fight them off, there’s a moment when it gets really, truly dangerous—even with the help of the juniors and a few of the adults, they probably would have been killed. But then a wave of blood-soaked corpses come crawling out of the blood pool of their own accord and tear their attackers apart.

At the end of it, the blood corpses, the Wen remnants, gather before Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian and Wen Ning. Wei Wuxian thanks them, they exchange bows, and the blood corpses collapse into dust. Wen Ning scrambles to gather their ashes, but runs out of space in his clothing. Several juniors, seeing this, offer up their bags to him and try to help.

It’s just. This scene is so important to me. Obviously, it couldn’t be included in CQL because of the whole undead thing, but it’s such a shame because I maintain that the Blood Corpse scene is one of the most powerful scenes in the whole goddamn book. It ties together so many things that I care about! It’s the moment when the narrative says, “kindness is not a waste”. Wei Wuxian failed to save them, but that doesn’t mean that his actions were done in vain. What he did matters. The year of life he bought them matters. The time they spent together matters.

This is also the moment when the juniors finally see Wen Ning for who he is—not the terrifying Ghost General, but a gentle man who has just lost his family for a second time. This is the moment when they reach out with kindness to the monster that their parents told them about at night. It matters that the juniors are able to do that! That they see this man suffering and are moved to compassion instead of righteous satisfaction.

(Except Jin Ling, for very understandable reasons, but Jin Ling’s moment comes later.)

It’s also the moment that we’re starkly reminded that many of the adults in attendance were present at the First Siege and directly responsible for the murders of the Wen remnants, including Ouyang Zizhen’s father. We’re reminded that he’s not just a comically annoying man with bad takes—he also participated in the murder of innocent people and then disrespected their corpses. But what retribution should be taken against him and the others? What retribution could be taken that wouldn’t lead to more tragedy?

There’s someone in the crowd in this scene named Fang Mengchen who refuses to be swayed by Wei Wuxian’s actions. “He killed my parents,” he says. “What about them? How can I let that go?”

“What more do you want from me?” Wei Wuxian asks. “I have already died once. You do not have to forgive me, but what more should I do?”

That is the ultimate question, isn’t it? What is the only way out of tragedy? You don’t have to forgive, but you cannot continue to take your retribution. It is not fair, but it’s all you have.

okay. so. those were my four Big Points of Contention with CQL, as I am currently experiencing them.

Honorable mentions go to: Wen Qing’s arc (both excellent and awful in different ways), making 13/16 years of Inquiry canon (I think this is untrue to Lan Wangji’s character, though I can understand why it was done), Mianmian’s departure from the Lanling Jin sect being shortened and having the sexism cut out (there’s something really visceral about the accusations against Mianmian being explicitly about her womanhood that I desperately wish had been retained in the show), cutting the scene where Jin Ling cries in mourning for Jin Guangyao and is scolded for it by Sect Leader Yao (my heart for that scene because it also matters so much)

but now!! onto the fun part, where I talk effusively about how much I love CQL!! this will probably be shorter (*prays*) because a lot of my frustrations with CQL are related to spiraling thematic consequences while the things I love are like. Simpler to pinpoint? If that makes sense? we’ll see.

CQL’s greatest virtues, also according to cyan:

1. this:

[ID: Wei Wuxian, trembling in fear, screaming “shijie!” as Jiang Cheng threatens him with Fairy in episode 34 of The Untamed drama. /end ID]

I understand that this is like, a very minor, specific detail change, but oh my GOD, it is like. Unparalleled. Every time I think about this change, I get so emotional and disappointed that it’s not in the novel, because I think it strengthens this scene tenfold. In the novel, Wei Wuxian calls out for Lan Zhan, which like, I get it. The story at this point is focused on the development of his romantic feelings for Lan Wangji, so the point of the scene is that the first person he thinks of in a moment of extreme fear is Lan Zhan, which surprises him. That’s fine. Like, it’s fine! But I think it doesn’t have nearly the same weight as Wei Wuxian calling for his sister to save him from his brother. 

Having Wei Wuxian call out for his sister drives home the loss that the two of them have suffered, and highlights the relationship they all once had. Jiang Yanli is much more relevant to shuangjie’s narrative than Lan Wangji ever was, and this highlights exactly how deeply the fracturing of their familial relationship cuts. Wangxian gets so much time and focus throughout the rest of the novel. I love that this moment in the show is just about the Yunmeng siblings because that relationship is no less important, you know?

Calling out for Jiang Yanli in the show draws a much cleaner line through the dialogue. “You dare bring her up before me?” to “Don’t you remember what you said to Jin Ling?” It unifies the scene and twists the knife. It also gives us more insight into how fiercely Wei Wuxian was once beloved and protected by his siblings. Jiang Cheng promised to chase all the dogs away from Wei Wuxian when they were children. It’s clear that Jiang Yanli did as well.

Once upon a time, Wei Wuxian’s siblings defended him from his fears, and now one of them is dead and the other is using that fear to hurt him where he’s weakest. The reversal is so painfully juxtaposed, and it’s done with just that one flashback of Wei Wuxian as a child leaping into Jiang Yanli’s arms and calling out her name. Extremely good, economical storytelling. The conversation between shuangjie is much more focused on their own stories independent from Lan Wangji, which I very much appreciate. Wangxian, you’re wonderful, but this ain’t about you, and I don’t think it should be.

2. Extended Jiang Yanli content (and by extension, Jin Zixuan and Mianmian content)

Speaking of absolute goddess Jiang Yanli, I really loved what CQL did with her (unlike my more mixed feelings about Wen Qing). Having her in so many more scenes makes her importance to Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian a lot clearer, and we get to experience her as a person rather than an ideal.

On a purely aesthetic level, Jiang Yanli’s styling and character design is so stellar in CQL. The more prevalent design for her is kind of childish in the styling, which I don’t love (I think it’s the donghua influence?). And even I, someone who’s audio drama on main 24/7, personally prefer her CQL voice actor. There’s only a few characters in CQL that I look at and go “ah yes, that’s [character] 100%” and Jiang Yanli is one of them. I was blessed. I would lay down my life for her.

I’m really glad that CQL showed her illness more explicitly and gave her a sword, even if she never uses it! Her weak constitution is only mentioned once in the novel in chapter 69 in like two lines that I blew past initially because I was reading at breakneck speed and was only reminded of when my therapist who I conned into reading mdzs after 8 months of never shutting up oof brought it to my attention like two weeks ago. /o\

We never read about Jiang Yanli carrying a sword in the novel, though we are told that her cultivation is “mediocre”, so we know that she at least does cultivate, even if not very well. Highlighting her poor health in CQL makes her situation more clear, I think, and explains a little more about the way she’s perceived throughout the cultivation world as someone “not worthy of Jin Zixuan”. The novel tells us that Jiang Yanli is not an extraordinary beauty, not very good at cultivation, sort of bland in her expressions, and, very briefly, that she’s in poor health. I really love that description of Jiang Yanli, because it emphasizes that her worth has nothing at all to do with her talents, her health, her cultivation, her physical strength, or her beauty. She is the best person in the whole world, her brothers adore her, and the audience loves and respects her for reasons wholly unrelated to those value judgments. We love her because she is kind, because she is loyal, because she loves so deeply. Tbh, her only imperfection is falling for someone so tragically undeserving of her. (JK, I love you Jin Zixuan, and you do deserve her because you are an excellent boy who grows and changes and learns!! I can’t even be mean to characters as a joke god.)

Anyways, I just think the detail about her health is compelling and informs her character’s position in the world in a very specific way. I’m happy that CQL brought it to the forefront when it was kind of an easily-missed throwaway in the novel. It does mean something to me that Jiang Yanli, despite her poor physical health, is never once seen or treated as a burden by her brothers.

Something partially related that really hit hard was this:

[ID: two gifs. Jiang Yanli peeling lotus pods, looking up uncomfortably as her mother loses her temper about the Wen indoctrination at the table from episode 11 of The Untamed drama. /end ID]

D8 AAAAHHH this was VISCERAL. The novel is quite sparse in a lot of its descriptions and lets the audience fill in the missing details, so Jiang Yanli’s expression and reactions are not described when, after Jiang Cheng quickly volunteers to go to Qishan, Madam Yu accuses her of continuing to “happily peel lotus seeds” in such a dire situation.

“Of course you’ll go,” she snaps to Jiang Cheng. “Or else do you think we should let your sister go?”

This scene triggered me so bad lmfao, so I guess it’s kind of weird that I love it so much, but I felt Seen. Something about the way her nail slips in the second gif as she breaks open the pod is like. Oh, that’s a sense memory! Of me, as a child, witnessing uncomfortable conflict between people I cared about. I know this is an extremely personal bias, but hey, so is this whole meta. Because Jiang Yanli is often silent and quiet, it’s more her behavior and expressions that convey her character. It’s why the moment she lets loose on Jin Zixun is so powerful. We don’t get to see a lot of it in the novel, but because CQL is a visual medium, her character is a lot easier to pin down as a human as opposed to an abstract concept.

Anyways, in this moment, which I also think is a tangential reference to her weak constitution (it doesn’t feel like, “your sister can’t go because she’s a girl”; it feels like, “your sister can’t go because she couldn’t handle it”), we get to see Jiang Yanli’s own reaction to her perceived inadequacy. We see it in other places too—like how upset she is when Jin Zixuan dismisses her in several scenes, but this is the one that hits me the hardest because it’s about how her weakness is going to put her little brother in grave danger.

Last Yunmeng siblings with focus on Jiang Yanli scene that isn’t in the novel that I’m just absolutely wrecked over: the dream sequence in episode 28, when Jiang Yanli dreams about Wei Wuxian sailing away from her, but no matter how she shouts, or how she begs Jiang Cheng to help her, she can’t bring him back home.

I’m not going to gif it because I literally just like, fast-forwarded through it and started sobbing uncontrollably in front of my laptop, dear god.

I don’t know where the CQL writers found the backdoor directly into my brain’s nightmare center, but?? they sure did! IDK, I can see how this might be kind of heavy-handed, but it just. The sensation of being in a dream where something is going terribly wrong, but you’re the only one who seems to see it happening? But there’s nothing you can do? I feel like it’s a very fitting nightmare to give Jiang Yanli, who is acutely aware and constantly reminded of how little power she has in the world: not good enough for the boy she likes, not healthy enough to cultivate well, not strong enough to keep her family together.

The whole, elder siblings trying and failing to protect their younger siblings pattern is A Lot in the story, but there’s something particularly painful about seeing it happen to Jiang Yanli because of that awareness. All the other elder siblings are exceptionally talented or powerful in obvious ways. All Jiang Yanli has is the force of her will and the force of her love, and she knows it isn’t enough.

I care a lot about the Yunmeng siblings, okay! And I think CQL did right by them!

I’m only going to spend two seconds talking about Jin Zixuan and Mianmian, but I DO want to mention them.

Anyways, because we get more Jiang Yanli content, we ALSO get more soft xuanli, which is Very Good. Literally my kingdom for disaster het Jin Zixuan treating my girl right!! CQL said het rights, and I’m not even mad about it! I’m really happy that we get to see a little more of how their relationship plays out, and how hard Jin Zixuan works to change his behavior and apologize to her for his mistakes. The novel is from Wei Wuxian’s POV, so we miss the details, alas. Jin Zixuan covered in mud, planting lotuses? Blessed.

I think part of making Mianmian a larger speaking role is for convenience’s sake, but oh boy do I love that choice. Especially the Jin Zixuan & Mianmian relationship. Like, they’re so clearly platonic, and Mianmian is never once portrayed as a threat to Jiang Yanli. They just care about and respect each other a lot? Jin Zixuan’s distress when she defects from the Jin sect gets me in the heart, because it’s just like. God. I think there’s a lot of interesting potential there for her own thoughts re: Wei Wuxian. After all, she leaves her sect in defense of him, but he later kills a friend that she respects and loves. The moments shared between her and Jin Zixuan are minor, but they hint at a deeper relationship that I’m really glad was in the show.

3. To curb the strong, defend the weak: lantern scene (gusu) + rain scene (qiongqi dao 1.0)

I think I basically already explained why I love this so much in this post (just consider that post and this point to be the same haha), but just. Okay. A short addendum.

As much as I love novel wangxian, I really think that including this scene early on emphasizes why Lan Wangji loves Wei Wuxian so deeply. Of course he thinks Wei Wuxian is attractive, but this is the moment when he realizes, oh, this is who I love. Having that moment to reflect upon throughout Wei Wuxian’s descent is so excellent. I have enumerated all of my issues with the “perfectly righteous Wei Wuxian” arc that CQL crafted, but having this narrative throughline in conjunction with the novel arc would be like. My favored supercanon ahaha. (It would need some tweaking, but I think it would work.) It shows us exactly who it is that Lan Wangji sees and is trying to save, who he thinks is still there, underneath all the carnage and despair and violence and grief. This is the Wei Wuxian Lan Wangji loves and is unwilling to let go. This is the Wei Wuxian that Lan Wangji would kill for, that Lan Wangji would stand beside, that Lan Wangji would live for.

4. Meeting Songxiao

As much as I love the unnameable ache of Wei Wuxian never meeting Xiao Xingchen and learning only about his story through secondhand sources in the novel (and the really cool parallel to that where Xiao Xingchen tells A’Qing the story of Baoshan-sanren’s ill-fated disciples: both Xiao Xingchen and Wei Wuxian learn of each other only through the eyes of others, and that is Very Neat), I think the reversal that this meeting in episode 10 sets up wins out just slightly.

I said once in the tags on one of my posts that “songxiao is the tragic parallel of wangxian” and like. Yeah. Basically! If we take songxiao as romantic, the arc of their relationship happens inversely to wangxian, and that parallel is so much clearer and stronger when we have wangxian meeting songxiao in their youth.

The scene of their meeting really does have that Mood™ of uncertain youth seeing happy and secure adults living out the dreams that they’re afraid to name. Wei Wuxian’s eager little, “oh! just like me and Lan Zhan!! Right, Lan Zhan??” when songxiao talk about cultivating together through shared ideals and not blood is. Well, it’s Something.

When they meet again at Yi City, there’s a greater heaviness to it. So this is what happened to the people you once dreamed of becoming! Wangxian have already come to a point where they have an unspoken understanding of their relationship, but Songxiao have lost everything they once had. When Song Lan looks at wangxian, it’s like looking at a mirror of his past, and everyone in attendance knows it.

To me, that unspoken parallel is really emotionally and thematically valuable. All that good, and here is the tragedy that came of it.

okay, look! I managed to keep it shorter!! here are my honorable mentions: that scene where Jin Guangyao tries to hold Jin Ling and Jin Guangshan refuses to let him (it’s hating Jin Guangshan hours all day every day in this household), the grass butterfly leitmotif for Sizhui (im literally crying right now about it shut up), the Jiang Cheng/Wen Qing sideplot (look I know it’s wild that I actually liked that given that I headcanon JC as aspec, but I actually really like how it played out, specifically because Wen Qing and Wei Wuxian are NOT romantic—it sets up an unexpected and interesting comparison)

um. Anyways. I uh. really care about this story. And have a lot of thoughts, which I’m sure will continue to evolve. Maybe in 8 months I’ll return to this and go well, literally none of this applies anymore, but who knows! It’s how I feel right now. I cried literally three times while writing this because MDZS/CQL reached into my chest and yanked my heart right out of my body, but I had fun! *finger guns*

and like, I know I had a LOT to say about what frustrated me about CQL, but I really really hope it’s clear that I adore the show despite all of that. I talk a lot because I care a lot, and my brain only has one setting.

anon, this was like 1000% more than you bargained for, I’m SURE, (and I’m still exercising some restraint, if you can. believe that.) but I hope that you or someone out there got something out of it! if you made it all the way to the end of this meta, wow!! consider me surprised and grateful!!

time to crawl back into my hovel so I can write Lan Xichen fic and cry

(ko-fi? ;A;)

#the untamed #the untamed meta #mdzs #mdzs meme #mo dao zu shi #mine #mymeta #asks and replies #Anonymous #HOOOOOO BOY GUYS #we are just shy of 10k on this #*buries face in hands* #cyan writes #cyan gets too deep in the weeds #i will be shocked if more than like ten people read this #by the end it was just like well i guess this is just for me now lmfao #anyways. i will now. leave the internet for a while. thanks

[patandpran]

In Loathe With You

What happens if Taekyung confronts Shinwoo about why Shinwoo has been avoiding him since the incident in the library?

Aka the one where Shinwoo definitely doesn’t ‘hate’ Shinwoo. In fact, it’s kind of the opposite.

The way that Taekyung looked at Shinwoo terrified him.

Taekyung made Shinwoo feel seen. Like all the bullshit and layers of self-doubt and defensiveness were stripped away by Taekyung’s gaze alone. 

Taekung looked at people with such intention, it was as if Taekyung was studying you like his life depended on it but Shinwoo soon realized it was more of a survival tactic that Taekyung must have developed to navigate social situations. The more he could gather in mere seconds, the more likely that Taekyung would be able to handle the interaction without too many consequences.

Shinwoo had felt something between them shift after Taekyung stepped into the way of the fight. The cut beneath Taekyung’s eye was a reminder that he put himself in harm’s way for someone that repeatedly declared that he ‘hated’ him and called him ‘annoying’.

Who did that?

It took Shinwoo some time to muster up the courage to call Taekyung and, in his own awkward way, thank him for the gesture. He couldn’t help but stutter anytime he was around Taekyung. He was so hard to read and decipher that it was both unsettling and fascinating to Shinwoo. It made him want to reach out into Taekyung’s mind every time they shared space and find out exactly what was going on for his peer.

So Shinwoo had bought a package of bandages.

…. With the intention of offering them to Taekyung as a sort of peace offering.

But then he encountered Daon and Taekyung in the library and Shinwoo’s confidence shattered into a million pieces. Shinwoo had seen the fondness that Taekyung looked at Daon with a million times before, whether it was students who wanted to date him or friends who looked up to him as if he were some sort of God on Earth.

Shinwoo knew he could never compete with Daon. Daon was warmth, sunshine and refreshing sweet tea while Shinwoo was ice, a cup of bitter coffee and a day inside escaping the rain. Daon was laughing and beaming smiles while Shinwoo was a comfortable shared silence and contemplation. 

And it seemed like Taekyung had already decided what he wanted, despite the connection that Shinwoo had felt brewing between them. There was a part of Shinwoo that was shocked that someone like Taekyung would fall for Daon’s warmth but Shinwoo knew how hard it was to escape the power of Daon’s influence. Even Shinwoo had once felt trapped by his feelings for Daon but quickly realized they worked much better as friends. 

So, Shinwoo took a step back despite what his instincts told him.

He kept his feelings to himself and started to rebuild the wall between him and Taekyung again so that he wouldn’t get hurt. It was better to feel nothing than to feel hurt. It was better to pretend to loathe someone than love them. The pain was more obtuse.

But Taekyung didn’t seem to appreciate the regression. A few days after the incident in the library, Taekyung cornered Shinwoo in the student council room during a study period that they both shared. Shinwoo regretted ever going to the student council room that day, knowing that Taekyung paid close attention to details such as people’s routines.

“Why are you ignoring me again?” Taekyung demanded bluntly, slamming his hands down onto the council table where Shinwoo was sitting.

This was another quality of Taekyung’s that Shinwoo admired. His need for transparency and honesty meant there was nothing left unclarified, as much as Shinwoo liked to keep things hidden. Taekyung tolerated no BS and Shinwoo found it quite refreshing.

“I-I’m not.” Shinwoo muttered in response and tried to avoid Taekyung’s piercing glare by pretending to study the form he was filling out.

“You’re not good at lying.” Taekyung accused and it somehow didn’t come across as an insult when he said it.

“Look, I’m trying to get this clubs form done so if you want something to entertain you, why don’t you clean the council room again?” Shinwoo deflected, hoping it would be enough to get Taekyung off his case. He really wasn’t in the mood for a confrontation right now.

Instead of taking Shinwoo’s suggestion, Taekyung rounded the table to the side where Shinwoo was sitting and sat in the chair directly next to Shinwoo’s. The sudden invasion of space made Shinwoo’s breath hitch in surprise and when he looked up to meet Taekyung’s gaze, he was shocked to see a look of resolve rather than frustration.

“I don’t know what I did to upset you, but whatever it was, I’m sorry.” Taekyung shared, his voice softer than before.

Shinwoo swallowed slowly, taken aback by the abrupt shift in Taekyung’s tone. “You didn’t do anything. Nothing’s wrong. I don’t know what you mean…”

“You started to open up to me.” Taekyung interrupted Shinwoo in earnest. “You called me! You apologized to me and you even started to greet me… but then, these past few days… it feels like it went back to how it was before. I don’t want to feel invisible to you anymore.”

The hurt was obvious in Taekyung’s words and the guilt quickly flooded through Shinwoo. The last thing he wanted to do was cause Taekyung pain. He had removed himself from the equation so that Shinwoo and Daon could pursue whatever was going on between them. He didn’t want to mess with what was obviously brewing between them. Plus, in taking a step back, Shinwoo was protecting himself too. But how could Shinwoo possibly explain this to Taekyung without revealing his feelings for him?

Because that was the crux of it all.

Shinwoo liked Taekyung.

And that was exactly why they had to go back to how they were before…. So no one got hurt.

“Is it because I heard the stuff your middle school friends said?” Taekyung surged on anxiously. “I’m not going to tell anyone. It’s none of my business, unless you want to tell me about it. I’m never going to push you to tell me things you don’t want to. I just… I want us to get along. I want us to be friends.”

The word ‘friends’ stung more than it should have but that was a pain that Shinwoo would have to learn to tolerate. He could see that the way he was treating Taekyung was doing more damage than it was worth. If Taekyung wanted to be friends, he could keep his feelings hidden as he had with Daon. They would soon dissolve into feelings of platonic affection..

But would they?

There was something innately different about how Shinwoo felt about Taekyung. His feelings were more visceral, like they lived deep within rather than just on the surface. They hadn’t known each other for long but Shinwoo’s feelings for Taekyung felt like they had always dwelled within, ready to rise to the surface when he first laid his eyes on Taekyung.

“Okay.” 

That was all that Shinwoo could offer. 

The weight of everything sat upon his shoulders and the image of encountering Daon and Taekyung in the library flashed in his memory, sending a pang of hurt through him once again. It spread through his body like a slight shiver as he kept his eyes on Taekyung.

“Okay.” Taekyung responded slowly, almost as if he didn’t believe what Shinwoo had set.

Shinwoo watched as Taekyung momentarily gathered his thoughts, hoping that the interrogation was over and he could at least pretend to return to his work and be left alone with his thoughts. But Taekyung didn’t seem satisfied with the conversation.

“You don’t have to answer but… what changed?” Taekyung asked and Shinwoo wished he had simply continued on with the ‘I hate you’ charade. It would have been easier than having conversations like this one.

“It seemed like, for a second there, that you actually might want to be friends with me.” Taekyung expressed and Shinwoo could hear the vulnerability in Shinwoo’s words. “But then it quickly went back to how it was before… what did I do wrong?”

Shinwoo sighed, letting his gaze fall to the table rather than having to face Taekyung. “Like I said, you didn’t do anything wrong… I just… I think it’s best if we keep a distance between us.”

“Why?” Taekyung shook his head in confusion. “I don’t understand.”

Shinwoo could feel the truth on the tip of his tongue but he knew honesty would destroy any semblance of a friendship that they had between him and Taekyung, especially given how Taekyung felt for Daon. 

“I saw you and Daon in the library.” That was the only explanation that Shinwoo could offer but it only seemed to confuse Taekyung even more.

Taekyung turned his chair to face Shinwoo more directly. “Okay… but what does that have to do with anything?”

For someone so observant, it seemed like Taekyung had a blind spot to how people felt about him. It made the whole interaction both unbearable and embarrassing for Shinwoo but Shinwoo also knew Taekyung wasn’t going to let him escape until the matter was resolved.

“I saw how you looked at him.” Shinwoo explained slowly, the words feeling like poison as they passed through his lips.

“Huh?” Taekyung’s brow knit together for a moment before his eyes grew wide with realization. “You think I like Daon?”

The truth hurt already but hearing it directly from Taekyung felt like a slap across the face. Shinwoo didn’t know how to respond besides nodding and remaining silent as Taekyung regarded him intently.

But then Taekyung did something unexpected - he reached out and gently trailed his fingers across one of Shinwoo’s ears. The touch made Shinwoo become starkly still and all remaining thoughts disappeared from his mind.

“Your ears are red again.” Taekyung remarked softly, leaning in toward Shinwoo.

Shinwoo couldn’t help but let himself be caught up in the moment for a few seconds before his eyes fell on the bandaid that Daon had placed on Taekyung’s face. At that, he pulled away from Taekyung’s touch and turned his eyes away as well, feeling the shame flood through him.

Out of the corner of his eye, Shinwoo saw Taekyung’s hand hover slightly before retracting it and touching the bandaid on his face. “Daon doesn’t like me. He takes care of everyone. You should know that by now, Shinwoo.”

Taekyung looked back to Shinwoo and blurted out, “But you like him.”

Shinwoo shrugged, “He’s nice to me. I think maybe I thought I did for a second but then I realized it was a different feeling…. It was friendship, not a romantic feeling or physical attraction. I’m just not used to people having any investment in me… he made me feel seen. But I understand the difference now.”

“How?” Shinwoo wondered, not even processing the relief that he was experiencing at hearing that Taekyung didn’t want to be anything more than Daon’s friend.

“Because of how I feel about you.” Taekyung admitted, the nerves clear in his voice.  “Don’t you wonder why I was so insistent about finding out why you hated me? It was borderline obsessive!”

Shinwoo’s mind turned to static. He understood the possibility of what Taekyung was saying but it was too unbelievable to conceive that Taekyung felt the same as him, especially considering how Shinwoo had treated him.

“You want to be my friend.” Shinwoo expressed numbly.

“No, you don’t get it.” Taekyung was shaking his head in disbelief again before becoming still and solemn. “I like you, Shinwoo.”

For a second, Shinwoo thought he had heard Taekyung wrong or was imagining things. But then Taekyung kept talking, “Maybe that will make you hate me. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything but I just felt like something had changed between us and maybe...Maybe I don’t know how to have friends but what I do know is that I don’t want to just be friends with you, Shinwoo. I don’t expect anything in return, I just… need to be honest with you.”

“Honest.” Shinwoo repeated the word numbly as he was still in shock by Taekyung’s confession.

“Before I ever said anything.” Taekyung bit out.

Shinwoo  realized too late that he must have come across in a mocking tone as a look of hurt crossed Taekyung’s face before he shoved his chair back to make an escape. An all too familiar shame was clear in Taekyung’s eyes as he moved toward the door of the student council room.

And even though Shinwoo was still in autopilot, his body leapt into action on his behalf, knowing that if he didn’t act now, he might lose Taekyung forever. The damage would be done if he didn’t make his intentions clear.

Shinwoo slipped in front of Taekyung and put his back to the door to block Taekyung from exiting. Taekyung took a surprised step back and tore his gaze from Shinwoo’s, letting out a huff of frustration. “I don’t need your pity, Shinwoo. I get it now. You hate me and that’s never going to change.”

“I don’t hate you.” Shinwoo practically whispered. “I never did.”

Taekyung looked urgently back to Shinwoo. “What?”

Shinwoo took a deep breath and stepped closer to Taekyung, raising his hand to gently run his thumb over the bandaid on Taekyung’s cheek. “I don’t hate you, Taekyung. I was… terrified of how you made me feel.”

“I don’t understand.” Taekyung murmured under Shinwoo’s touch. 

“The weight of what I feel for you, it was too much.” Shinwoo explained slowly, articulating every word. “That’s why I acted like I hated you. I was awful to you because… well, you were overwhelming. I didn’t want you around because… well, I like you too, and I was scared of what that meant.”

Taekyung relaxed slightly, his expression becoming more open and curious than defensive. “But what does Daon have anything to do with this?” 

“I was planning to bring you a bandaid as an apology for how I treated you after the fight.” Shinwoo answered, embarrassed about how he had handled the situation. “But then I saw you and Daon in the library and I guess.. I just didn’t want to get in the way of you too.”

“Like I said, there’s nothing to get in the way of.” Taekyung raised his hand to put around Shinwoo’s wrist and leaned his head into Shinwoo’s palm that was still cradling his face. 

“I know that now.” Shinwoo shared with a relieved sigh.

And then something beautiful happened. Taekyung smiled at Shinwoo and something in Shinwoo melted. The walls of ice that he had worked so hard for so long to build up began to dissipate because of Taekyung’s mere presence. 

“So… what does this make us?” Taekyung asked boldly, beaming at Shinwoo.

“It definitely makes us more than friends.” Shinwoo responded, a smile tugging at his own lips.

Taekyung leaned forward so their foreheads touched momentarily before he pulled back again. He had a satisfied look in his eyes and he teased, “Your ears are red again. I guess you really do like me.”

Shinwoo rolled his eyes. He could get used to this banter but he might never get used to the reality that Taekyung felt the same way he did and had been brave enough to share those feelings with him.

And, just like that, Shinwoo wasn’t so afraid of how Taekyung made him feel anymore.

#light on me #Korean bl #korean drama #kdrama

[justreadingfics]

It’s a Deal (Chapter 4)

Chapter Summary: You have a challenge for Bucky.  

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Words: 5.1k

Warnings:+18 only, smut, masturbation, boytoy!Bucky, casual sex, open relationship, unrealistic sexual performance, the tiniest bit of angst related to past relationships.

A/N: Next chapters we’ll move forward with the plot and it will be less smut centric, maybe… I can’t promise anything, actually, lol.  I dedicate this chapter to @suz-123​, who’s a Rockstar and to @tilltheendwilliwrite​ who once wrote chapter 10 of Canadian Girl (if you haven’t read it, yet, I don’t know what you’re doing with your life) and this chapter is heavily inspired on a certain aspect of it, with a small twist. The link to my masterlist, where you can find the other chapters, is on my description. Feedback is highly appreciated. Tag list for this story is closed.

The sight meeting your gaze as soon as you step out of your bathroom is one to behold. There is the man himself, laying sprawled and careless across your bed, unashamedly naked while nonchalantly scrolling through his phone, like he hasn’t just now done unspeakable things to you right there.

You take in a contented sigh. How lucky are you to have found a fuck buddy like Bucky? Incredibly hot and handsome, with all those uncountable muscles on his whole body and the most gorgeous face you’ve ever seen. He’s breathtaking to look at and to feel in each sensitive part of your body.

But it’s not just that, that you’re lucky for. His damn personality… So uncomplicated, laid back, straightforwardly honest and, even in all his blatant whoriness, more considerate towards women than any man you’ve ever known, Eddie included. You know about his tragic backstory and you can only wonder the path he had to take to get where he is now.

Apart from the amazing fuck, it’s been so fun to get to spend time with him and get to know the way he thinks, his life philosophy. You’ve found out that relationships don’t have to be complicated, that you don’t need to love or date someone to have a nice time together and that fun and respect can walk hand in hand. Also, something you didn’t know about yourself: that you can be fun and laid back, too.

You can tell Bucky enjoys spending time with you as much as you do with him, you know he’s not faking. The only reason he would have to fake in that situation would be to get you in his bed and he wouldn’t have to, since you got into that deal just exactly for that. Also, he’s too transparent, he has been from the beginning. And with him, you’ve become a fun person in these last few days… or maybe that’s who you were all along and just didn’t know.  

“Enjoying the view, sweetheart?”

In your gawking, you haven’t noticed his cell phone now laying forgotten on the mattress beside him as he tilts his body to the side, facing you, and supports his head on his hand, with that signature smirk of his, completely unbothered by how exposed he is.

In fact, so are you, as you smile and walk back to your bed in all your nakedness, “And what a damn view,” you cheekily say, laying in front of him and mimicking his position. You can’t help but reach over and trace your fingers over the hard muscles of his flesh arm and ripped chest, “I’ve never seen so many muscles gathered in only one person,” you add, completely serious with your admiration.

He chuckles, “Well, that thing they injected in me helped a lot.”  

You don’t have to ask who they are. Every once in a while he mentions his past but it’s always quick and with no sign of heaviness. It does feel like you’ve met him in a new and brighter stage of his life. Your eyes, which have been following the path traced by your fingers, drop to his lower body. Like it usually happens right after you had sex or between the sexy sessions, he’s not as hard as you know he can get, but he’s definitely not completely soft. You’ve been nurturing that curiosity for a while and now you see the opening to bring it up.

“You know, I’ve been wondering,” you start, a little timid and avoiding his eyes, “Did the serum help with… ahm, other things, too?” You glance at him before letting your eyes drop to that particular part of his body, hoping you’ve made yourself clear.

“What do you mean?”

When you look back at him the confusion on his face is poorly feigned and you know he’s messing with you.

“You just want me to say it, don’t you?” You squint your eyes, pulling back your wandering hands from his beefy body, and when he only keeps the faked expression on his face and shrugs, you decide to play along and blurt out, punctuating each word, “Your cock, your fucking marvelous and precious huge cock, Bucky. That’s what I mean.”

You can’t help but grin widely as he lets out a belly laugh, his head falling backwards on the mattress before he comes back to the position on his side facing you with a satisfied and teasing smile on him.

“I’ll tell you what, it didn’t mess up with the size, sweetheart. That’s all good old human biology there, no evil super juice needed.” He bites his lower lip and winks, making you roll your eyes playfully, “But, like you know, I’m always honest and I’m not gonna  lie to you. It did pump me up with the…” he pouts and squeezes his eyes, as if looking for the right word, “Performance,” he adds, satisfied with his choice.    

“How so?” You cock an eyebrow, very interested in the information.  

“It basically raised my levels of stamina way higher. I’m always ready to go,” he says like it’s no big deal, “As long as I have motivation, of course. Like such a pretty dame like you,”  He gestures towards your naked body with a reverence and winks, prompting a heat to rush up to your cheeks at the old fashioned but still efficient term, which sounds surprisingly sexy coming out of his lips as he says it so naturally while you both lay stark-naked next to each other.  

“Oh…” it slips out of your lips before your forehead creases, “Hold on…You’re telling me that as long as I… ahm… motivate you, or something, you can keep it up, no matter how many times?”

That teasing smugness etches on his face again as he tightens and twists his lips, “Pretty much, yeah,” he answers, bringing a hand to stroke the curve of your hips. 

“Huh,” you let out in a puffed breath as you come to your conclusion, “You’re practically a human dildo.” Your eyes widen as soon as you realize what you just said, “Sorry,” you cringe.

“No offense taken at all,” he chuckles, the corner of his eyes crinkling in that way you find adorably sexy, “I’m actually flattered…”  he adds before boring a suspicious gaze into you yours, “I see something glimmering in your eyes, though.”

You bite your lower lip. The mere thought and the teasing hand on your body are enough to rouse your senses and make your entire skin prickle, “Just an idea that crossed my mind,” you answer, voice a little trembling with equal parts of horniness and nervousness in presenting said idea.   

“Ooooo… this sounds exciting. Tell me,” he encourages, putting a bit more pressure on where his hand touches your skin and dragging his body closer to yours.  

“Well…” Your gaze comes across his mouth now that is so closed to yours as you bring your eyes down to follow your fingers dancing over his chest again, brushing over the little whiskers of hair there, “Since we know you can keep it up… ahm…indefinitely,” Your fingers skim lower and lower and his breath hovers yours as a humming sound for you to continue not only touching but talking slips out of his lungs, “It would be interesting to find out how much I can take it, don’t you think?” You lift innocent eyes to his from under your eyelashes.  

A groan rumbles from his chest as his fingers dig into the skin of your hips, with the certainty of leaving marks, “Let me see if I got it straight… You wanna find out how many times you can orgasm in one night?” Like usual, he speaks more directly than you, the lust dark in his gaze.  

“I’m pretty curious… aren’t you?” Your hand wanders down the muscles of his body and follows the path of little hairs, which gets thicker and thicker till you reach his now fully rigid cock.

He brushes his parted lips over yours and lets out a deep exhale as you wrap your fingers around his dick. He’s hard as a rock and twitches in your hand, you’re still amazed that it has reached that point again just by the teasing exchange and little touches.

“Oh yeah, you’re very, very curious, too, I see,” you tease him again, slowly pumping him with your fist.  

“That I am… that I am,” he whispers, his hot and heavy breath hovering yours as his hips ever so lightly starts rocking against your hand. “But, tell me,” he asks putting on some seriousness on his voice, “Would this very obliging sex toy over here be allowed to use not only my fucking marvelous and precious huge cock,” he repeats your words using the same tone as yours, “But also other equally skilled parts of my body, like tongue,” he darts his tongue to lightly lick your upper lip, but quickly retrieves it back to continue speaking, tickling your skin with the tip of his fingers as he drags them from your hips towards your lower belly, “Fingers-”

You suck in a whine, already too turned on to prolong the teasing, “Now it’s definitely not the time to start with rules- ah-” Apparently you aren’t the only one ready to get into the real action as he bats your hand away and swiftly shifts on the bed, rolling over you and between your legs.

When he reaches over the nightstand right next to you, where he already knows is your stash of condoms, you stop him with a hand on his forearm. He looks down at you questioningly as he hovers you supporting himself with his arms on the mattress.  

“You told me before you can’t get sick due the serum. It means you wouldn’t pass me anything, either, right?” You ask, somehow managing to regulate your breathing.

“Yeah, that’s right.” He nods.

“I’m on birth control since forever,” you add, heavily implying what you want from him. 

“Are you sure?” He checks, “I really don’t mind-“

“I wanna fucking feel it. All of it.” You reach between you two and wrap your hand around his bare cock.

“Fuck…” His eyes flutter shut at your touch before snapping open at you, filled with renewed hunger, “You’re in for a ride, sweetheart,” he breathes before grabbing your lips withs his.  

Number four – because he had already graced you with the first three, moments before -  happens right there when he pulls your legs up and bend them backwards till your knees straddle your face and takes you hard and raw, because neither of you can wait. Number five he flips you over and keeps you completely still under him, almost crushing you with his delicious weight, having his chest glued to your back as he shoves his hips into yours.

Six and seven happen in a row when he eats you out while you sit on the countertop of your kitchen, after a quick snack and water to regain your forces. Eight, he pounds into you from behind as you grab with sheer force the edges of said countertop…

You have no idea how many hours pass. It happens on your bed, in the kitchen, balcony, table, chairs. In the living room, sofa, carpet, floor, over your desk in your small office… The filthy smells filling up the air of your home along with naughty fluids left on your way. You don’t even dare to think about the cleaning you’ll have to do the next day. Your mind is completely blanked by the constancy of pleasure and sensitivity your body has been sunk into. His cock, lips, tongue, fingers, thigh, hot skin… all of him devoted to you, to your desire, as his body merges into yours turning you into a blur of bliss.

When you become just a sack of numb limbs and dizziness, he scoops you up from the living room carpet and rests you on your bed, bringing you water right before laying behind you, forming a breathless spoon on the mattress. He might be thinking you’re finally done, but if that’s the case, he’s miscalculating the effect the heat of his body against yours has on you. So, after you roll your hips against his cock – which hardens almost immediately- he lifts your leg and eases himself inside your poor, but still somehow ready and eager, cunt. Knowing how overstimulated you are, he reaches over you and just ever so lightly brushes a finger over your clit. That’s how you reach the 24th orgasm of the night and, at last, throw the towel.

“That was… something,” you say when you’re in the shower with him after a deserved, but quick nap, still in your sticky and fervent skins. When you announced you needed a shower, he joined you promptly, “I thought I would reach 15, 16 at most. I’m pretty impressed with you.”

He clicks his tongue, while pouring some of your shampoo on his hand, “Nah… you’re just underestimating you, sweetheart.” He puts the shampoo on his hair and brushes the locks with his fingers, “I, on the other hand, know exactly what kind of insatiable minx you are,” he says right before sinking his head under the shower to rinse his hair. 

Under the water he doesn’t see your jaw dropping and your outraged gasp, but he certainly feels the little shove on his chest to express your protests, because he takes his head out of the water and brushes the water out of his face with his hand, “What?”

“Fucking rude,” you answer, already laughing quietly, while using the sponge to leather your body.   

“Ok, I could’ve used better words, but I didn’t mean it like that,” he says, “But I get it. It’s been almost 80 years and somethings haven’t changed that much.” He twists his lips, reaching over  for the hair conditioning, “I know women grow up listening to this fucking culture who teach men and women that enjoying sex is a guy thing… and when a woman shows the opposite she’s judged, which is stupid. The issue is pure fucked up sociology rather than biology. A man needs a damn super serum to reach that many orgasms in one night while all women need is their own body and will. It’s lame what society can do when it comes to repressing women.” He shrugs.  

Once again your jaw drops, but for an entirely different reason, and for a while you just watch him, dumbfounded, while he hums a tune, applying conditioner on his long locks and dives his head on the running water again, like he hasn’t just now slapped your face with a damn feminist discourse about female sexuality, “That’s… true…” You have no choice but to agree.

“Of course it is…” he smirks proudly, before squinting his eyes at you while you wash out the soap of your body, “And you know what? I bet you have one more there waiting for me,” he lifts his chin, like he’s challenging you, as water drips from his face and hair.  

Your eyes widen for a second at the implications of said challenge, “I can’t.” You’re quick to shake your head. You have no idea how you’re managing to stand there, since every little muscle of your body is sore.

“Actually, I bet you have one more there waiting for you… Wanna see?” He cocks an eyebrow.

“Shit, Bucky, I don’t think I can handle you one more time,” you reply, honestly. As tempting as the idea sounds, you can’t even think about taking him again.

“Don’t worry… I won’t be doing anything.” His voice lowers a tone, as he walks you back towards the shower seat Eddie was so adamant in adding to the bathroom.

Looking down, you’re not surprised at all to see his cock already hardening and you would be lying to yourself if you don’t feel a little tingle in your belly.  As soon as you’re seated, he props his metal arm on the wall above your head and wraps his flesh hand on his cock, which is inches from you, bumping it a few times till it’s quickly fully hard.

“Tonight was an interesting experience for me, too,” his voice, laced with silk and mischief, props your gaze to lift to his. As he stares down at you and his hand jerks on his cock, locks of wet hair fall on his face and droplets run down his naked body.

It’s only instinct when your tongue darts out to lick your lips. You can’t believe you’re already getting turned on after everything you’ve already done, “Yeah, how so?” You encourage him in whatever treat he has planned for you.

“Hmmm,” his eyes flutter shut for a second as he swipes his thumb over the rosy tip, keeping a slow pace on himself, “Getting to know your body even more… the little places I touch and your whole body trembles, yeah… open up for me, that’s it, that damn pussy of yours,” he coos when you prop one heel over the bench beside you, letting the other on the floor and allowing your fingers to dance over your breasts and skim down your wet body.

“What else…ha,” you gasp when your exploring fingers reach your clit. It’s still sensitive from the previous actions, but it doesn’t reject your touch as the water from the shower mixes up with your natural wetness. It’s not hard to feel your arousal rising again in your body, not when you have that obscene sight of him touching himself inches from you and that dirty mouth saying all the things he likes about having sex with you. Your body responds to the sensuous scenario instantly.   

“I lose my mind at how that pussy squeezes my cock when I talk dirty to you…  These fucking tits of yours,” he groans and you can see his cock twitching.

Your hand on yourself speeds up in rhythm with his, but it remains a light touch on your clit, the kind of touch your body is asking for right now, but it feels good, so damn good, like a feather tickling the sensitive nub. Your eyes are stuck on his as much as his is stuck on yours. You feel like the sexiest woman alive under his gaze and fuck if you’re not gonna reach your 25th orgasm of the night soon. 

“I wanna have my cock between them one day, would you do that for me, beautiful, fuck my cock with your perfect tits?” He continues his verbal fucking, biting his lip till the blood rushes out of his skin, “Fucking you is an experience I can’t seem to get enough, sweetie, what about you, huh? Tell me what you like about fucking me.”

So many things… “I-I like your fucking big cock,” you say before letting out a small laugh, “Obviously,” you wiggle your eyebrows making him laugh briefly with you, before you look down at where he’s jerking himself. You have no idea how you’re managing to talk like that, you’ve never been that verbal when it comes to sex, but with him… it’s different. “It’s so damn thick…” You lick your lips, breathing hard as the feather touch in your clit sparks laces of pleasure inside you. Looking up at him, you see him clenching his teeth, hooded eyes still on you, “I like when you’re rough to me, when  you throw me around like I weigh nothing, you’re so fucking strong, ah.” Your head falls back as you’re almost there… “I like that you know exactly what gives me pleasure, even before I know it myself…”

“Fuck, you’re damn sexy…” he breathes out and you can tell he’s holding himself back, probably waiting for you to finish before he does, “What about that ass of mine, huh?” The playfulness comes back to his voice between harsh panting.

You chuckle, “I fucking love grabbing it while you’re pounding your dick inside me and… oh, God… that fucking filthy mouth… Especially when it’s all over me.” Your toes curl as the pressure inside your core tightens, driving yourself closer and closer to the edge, the words come out of your lips like they have a mind of their own, connected solely to your desire, “I love how you love eating me out, oh, goddamn, fuck…” Your eyes shut and your body shakes as you close your legs around your hand, reaching an orgasm for 25th time that night, this time by your own hand. And is just as good and powerful as the others he has given you.

“Shit,” his voice falters and as you still struggle to breathe you look up at him, “Can I come on those tits, sweetheart?” He nods towards your body, his voice coming out tight from between his teeth.

“Fuck yeah,” You nod, arching your back and exposing your breasts even more to him.  

“Holy shit,” he moans as, after a few more expert bumps, he spills his climax all over your chest, “Fuck,” he keeps his metal hand on the wall as he stares down apparently in a spell, admiring his handiwork, before grabbing your arm and making you stand, pulling you to him and grabbing your breathless lips in a kiss.  

Your chest is tight against his and the thought of the mess between you two makes you moan through his kiss. He’s the one who pulls back with that signature smugness all over his face.

Your eyes roll playfully, “Yeah, I know… You told me so…”

~~~

After you finish the shower for real this time, you’re drying yourself with a towel while Bucky, already with his black boxes on, uses one of your combs to work on his hair in front of the mirror in your bathroom. He huffs in frustration as the long locks don’t seem to stay in the style he’s looking for.

The sound of your quiet laugh makes him glance towards you. He smiles tightly and shrugs, a whole new sheepish expression on his face, “I’ve been meaning to cut it, but… I don’t know… other stuff keeps getting in the way,” he shrugs again, turning back to the mirror.

“I like it that way, it suits you pretty well, but if you’d liked I could cut it for you?” you offer, lacing your towel with a knot around your body.

“Really?” He tilts his head while something like amused skepticism etches on his face.

“Yeah, sure, I have all the tools here now if that’s something you want.”

He looks at himself in the mirror, taking a good look at his locks before turning back to you, “Let’s do this.”

Next thing you know you have Bucky still only in his boxes sitting on a chair he carried to your bathroom while you’re on an old t-shirt, displaying the set of shears, combs and trimmer over the countertop.

Wrapping a towel around his shoulders, you look at his reflection on the mirror, “So, are we just cutting the ends or are you going overboard here?”

“Overboard,” he answers right away and you smile at the trust he lays on you, “But leave something to grab. You all seem to love that.” The corner of his lips twists.

You laugh, reaching for the shear, “We all love it indeed,” you agree and run your hands over his locks, analyzing what you’re dealing with, “Trust me, I know exactly what to do.” You wink at him through the mirror and get on to work.

“Haircuts, huh?” he asks as the little strands of hair fall over the towel and the floor, “Quite an arsenal you have here.” He nods at your tools in front of him.

“Yeah,” you don’t move the focus from your working hands to answer, “I used to cut Eddie’s. We’ve been on a low budget for years so we could buy this place.” You give him a brief tight-lip glance.

“Very nice place, by the way.”

“It is, isn’t it?” You beam at him before focusing back on his hair, “But it’s a bit strange, actually. When we found it and moved in, I thought I would spend the rest of my life here with him… And now…” you sigh.

“Now we’re ruining your furniture,” he beams when you look at him.

You can’t help chuckle and agree, “Pretty much, yeah.”

“Are you keeping it?”

Your lips tightens as you look down at your working hands… You haven’t really thought of it straight and you’re sure that not thinking about it means you still had some hope to resume your life from where it had stopped when Eddie broke up with you. But, now that you’re talking about it, the answer feels right when it rolls off your tongue, “I want to. I love this place…with my promotion and the money that comes with it, I think I could make it happen, but… I still need to work things out with Eddie, though.”

“You haven’t talked to him yet.” Bucky affirms rather than ask. All along, even when you’re not looking at him at times, you can feel Bucky’s gaze not leaving your reflection in the mirror as his hair goes through a transformation by your hands.

 “No.” You shake your head and decide to share with him an idea that has been wandering in your mind lately, “Stark mentioned a party to celebrate my promotion-“

“Of course…” He adds.

“Yeah…” You laugh, before clearing your throat, “I was thinking about calling Eddie, letting him know I was promoted… I mean… we went to collage together and went through our careers together…” You look back at him through the mirror, “I think he’ll be happy to know from me and maybe even go to the party to celebrate. Also, we’ll be working a lot with each other again since he’s the leader of Shield’s team.”

“Were you still together when he got his promotion?” He asks, genuine interest in his voice.

You shake your head no, “It was right after he broke up with me.”

“If you don’t mind me asking, what happened?”

“I don’t know, actually, “ you answer, going back on working with the shears, finding a bit funny how he’s been fucking you senseless and exploring every little inch of your body these last few days and still is careful in asking a personal question, “I noticed he was distant a few weeks before, but I brushed it off.” You shrug, “We’d been together for so long and we had our ups and downs… I just thought we were going through one of our downs. And then he woke up one day and said he didn’t want to be together anymore… Natasha thinks he has someone else,” you say, with a small and humorless laugh as you turn on the blow drier and positions it over his hair.

He tightens his lips through the reflection. Yeah… he thinks the same. 

You’re glad for the sound of the drier as silence settles between you two. It’s not awkward or anything like that… you’re just glad for the silence so you can evaluate how the possibility of Eddie having someone affects you. It’s fucked up to admit even to yourself, but it sucks. It’s not like you’re crying alone right now, but it’s different. There’s nothing romantic with Bucky and, honestly, you feel like shit picturing Eddie, your boyfriend of ten years, in a relationship with someone else.   

“Did he call you to let you know once he was promoted?” Bucky asks as soon as you turn off the drier.

“He didn’t. I sent him a text when I found out, he didn’t answer,” You bite your cheek, as your shoulders drop and you slowly comb his hair.

“It sucks, huh?” He twists his lips as you meet his eyes through the mirror. They’re full of kindness and understanding, and you’re glad he doesn’t make you feel more embarrassed than you naturally are in sharing that with him. 

“We had just split, though… now it’s been months… things should be a little less weird… and voi lá.” Thankfully for your embarrassment, you finish his hair right then, an opportunity to change the subject.

He takes his eyes from you to his reflection on the mirror and you bite your lip waiting for his reaction, since it feels like it’s the first time he’s paying attention to himself ever since you started cutting his hair. Like he asked, you went overboard and cut it a lot shorter than before, letting a fluffy quaff on the top. As much as you loved the long locks, you think he looks more handsome than ever, like a movie star.

“Oh, wow”, he lets out in a jovial voice, running his hand over his soft and shorter locks, “It’s awesome.”

“Really?” you smile, letting out a relief breath, “See?” You grab the fluffiness on top of his head and smirk, “Perfect to grab.”

He laughs, “I really like it, I don’t look homeless anymore. Thank you.” He nods.

“You’re welcome, but wait, there are still some final touches before we’re really finished.” You grab the trimmer, and turn it on to work on the outlines behind his neck.

“Alright, ma’am.” He promptly straightens up his posture as you go back to work, “So, is it important for you that he knows?”

He resumes from where you had stopped and doesn’t have to clarify who and what he’s talking about. “It’s important for me that he goes,” you admit with a sigh, turning off the trimmer and looking at him through the mirror. You run your hands once again through his soft and new hair, before grabbing a little brush, “It feels weird to not share this with him,” you mutter, using the tool to meticulously brush off the remains of hair on his neck and shoulders. 

“Ok, then you should call him, why not?” He shrugs, “It’s been ten years, you just don’t erase that.”

A small, but thankful, smile curls your lips. You could expect being scolded for admitting something like that. Not from Bucky, apparently. And his support is really significant at that moment, much more than any lecture one of your friends would give you about the troubles of calling an ex-boyfriend who broke up with you.

“But just so you know,” he continues, shutting his eyes for a second and letting out a long exhale, “It may be just me, but I don’t think a man who doesn’t like to eat pussy deserves any kind of consideration.”

You laugh, letting your head fall back, before shaking it in lighthearted disbelief.

Bucky smiles and, if the fact that he makes you laugh with his stupid jokes lights up a warm and mysterious sensation in his chest, he thinks nothing of it, concentrating only on the touch of your gentle fingers grazing the skin of his neck while you go back to cleaning the little hairs off him.

~~~

Next chapter (from Bucky’s pov) coming soon. 

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