Dismay - Grand Admiral Thrawn x Rebel!Reader | Part 11
Summary: You spend time mingling with guests at the Imperial ball, but after overthinking your emotions, you reveal everything to Thrawn, including confessions and the truth.
Warnings: lots of angst, another long chapter
Ch'ithe'umi'aco = Sorry
Ch'eo rcati tohn = my star light
(A/N: I really enjoyed writing this chapter! Things are starting to kick off but I’ll still try and continue the theme of a slow burner, let me know what you guys think!)
So far, you were surprised that no one recognised you, but it was no surprise that you did receive the occasional glare when you introduced yourself as a New Republic senator to a group of Imperials, somewhat respectable Imperials. No one dare said a thing though, considering the Grand Admiral was right beside you with his arm linked in yours. He allowed you to speak but if he ever noticed you hesitate, or if you were ever asked a personal question, he would jump in and save your skin.
All of that aside, you looked absolutely stunning in the dress you were wearing. You captured the attention of many guests, and also regarding the fact that you were a moderately new face and someone for people to learn and gossip about. You weren’t new to all this, you had been to at least 10 of these balls and all of them were the same; full of pretentious know-it-all’s who care about nothing but themselves, money, and the Empire. But you couldn’t help but feel relief when the Imperial Senators continued speaking to you in a friendly manner after introducing yourself as a New Republic politician. Most of them were in their 50’s so they weren’t so keen on it picking a fight.
As for Thrawn, the man never left your side for a moment, you didn’t leave his and nor did you want to. Everytime he was requested somewhere, you asked if you could go with him and in return he obviously said yes. Many mistook you for a couple at first, but to your surprise, Thrawn explained that you were his good friend and ‘date’ for the night. A deep part of you felt a tinge of disappointment towards the fact he didn’t say anything else and he only said you were his friend. But you brushed it to the side after he asked you for a few dances and charmed you in ways no other man could.
He was a splendid dance partner, but that came as no surprise to you because back at the Academy, and even before that during your childhood, the two of you learned how to dance together and by the looks of it now, neither of you forgot the moves. Thrawn dipped you and spun you around the dance floor, feeling himself grow easy each time you let out a small laugh and smiled at him with a bright shining glow. He forgot just how beautiful your laugh really was, as well as your smile. Thrawn lived for the moments you were genuinely happy, moments like this made him forget about the tedious party and the forced conversations he had to get involved in due to his position as Grand Admiral. But now, he felt that weight lift off his shoulders and he actually felt like he could show his true colours around you, when no one else was looking of course.
For the rest of the evening, your time consisted of speaking to other senators and getting their opinions on the current situation with the war. It was a truly interesting conversation, you learned a lot about their sides of the story and you found out that your opinions were almost the exact same. You wished there were more New Republic senators, because you were the current target for politic discussions and you had to make sure you didn’t make a single wrong move, or else the show would be over. Thrawn left you alone for a brief moment, speaking to a few Moff’s and other Admirals whilst sneaking glances your way to make sure you were safe and alright.
But unfortunately for you, as you fetched yourself a drink and didn’t watch your back for a single second, a fairly handsome Senator in his late 40’s approached you with a charming pursuit. He sparked an interesting and flirtatious conversation with you and you found yourself intrigued for some moments by his appearance and the way he held himself as he spoke. He was good looking, probably the kind of person you would go for and ask out on a date. He was about 6’1, with dark skin and dark hair which was greying at the sides, bright blue eyes and an amazing smile. He wore a beautifully tailored suit and polished slacks, silver cuffs on his sleeves and a silver band on his wedding ring - yikes.
After you noticed that, you brought it up shamelessly and he brushed it off and making up a story that made his wife or partner out to ignore him, therefor that’s why he was speaking to you in such a flirtatious manner.
“So, do you have any kids?” The Senator asked whilst taking a small sip of his plum coloured wine.
“A daughter, what about you?” You didn’t feel up for giving him a detailed answer, a daughter was all he needed to know. Not her age or appearance.
“Four kids, all grown up, time goes by so fast you know” He chuckled, looking to you and watching intently as you trailed the tip of your finger around the rim of your whiskey glass. He swallowed thickly.
“I understand that, they grow up so quick” You commented aimlessly, trying not to get too attached to the conversation as you fluttered your lashes at the Senator to make him flustered, so far you were doing a great job.
“Pardon me for asking, but how old are you?” The Senator raised a curious brow, tapping a small rhythm onto the side of his wine glass as he awaited your answer.
“Forty two” You answered simply, immediately causing his jaw to fall straight to the floor.
“Forty two? Please forgive me, but you are incredibly beautiful for your age” He complimented, but a part of you was missing a spark, you didn’t feel the need to blush at his comment and your mind seemed to stray off the conversation.
“I guess I just look after myself, either that or the genes are good” You joked dryly, sipping briefly at the strong whiskey in your glass just to numb some of the boredom you were feeling. Where was Thrawn?
“Most definitely, w-what do you do for a living?” He started sounding rather sluggish as he spoke, the alcohol was clearly getting to him - charming.
“I told you already, I’m a Senator” You gritted your teeth but kept your expression composed and smiling. The man muttered an apology before going on about something to do with the Empire. At this point, you didn’t really hear what he was saying. You were looking for Thrawn through the crowd of Imperials but you couldn’t seen to find that familiar streak of blue anywhere. Had he left?
This was starting to get boring. It was very late in the evening, Thrawn disappeared, you were with some hot drunken Senator, and now you really wanted to go home. Home as in Yavin, you had enough of this Empire life and missed Omani more than words could say. You just wanted to go home.
“Excuse me” You curtsied briefly to the drunk Senator beside you, giving him no time to reply as you set down your glass on the bar counter and quickly vanished into the crowd of Imperials. You looked all around you as you walked, pardoning yourself if you ever accidentally bumped into anyone. Distress started rising up in your stomach as well as the alcohol you had earlier. Bile gathered in your throat but you swallowed it down and continued walking, picking up the front of your skirt and walking through the crowd until eventually you made it to one of the nearby balcony’s in the hall.
As you approached the balcony and made your way to the edge, breathing in the fresh air and doing your best to keep your anxiety in the pit of your stomach. Your head was spinning, your vision blurred and your eyes felt like they were going to pop out. You needed sleep desperately, how long had you been awake for? You didn’t want to know.
Breathing deeply, you closed your eyes and gripped onto the balcony’s edge, calming yourself before opening your eyes back up, relieved to find the unpleasant ache in your head had gone away. You looked around the balcony both left and right, your were definitely alone and no one seemed to be approaching the balcony.
Barely seconds after, you burst into uncontrollable tears. You leaned your elbows on the surface of the balcony edge and hid your face in your hands. Your shoulders trembled, your throat was raw and your eyes stung as tears flew down your cheeks. Stripes of black from your mascara mingled with your tears, you rubbed off your lipstick and wiped your face. You looked and felt dreadful, nothing compared to how you first looked when arriving to the Imperial hall.
You continued crying, leaning back and taking in the breathtaking views of the place that you once called home. Coruscant might’ve not been the place you grew up in, but it was a place where you created many memories; memories that impacted how you lived your life today.
Sniffling and spluttering out small whimpers, you thought of Omani. You missed her more than words could describe. Guilt lingered in your chest due to the fact you hadn’t reached out to her. You didn’t even try and escape Thrawn’s chambers. Why haven’t you tried escaping? Surely that would be your first incrinctice decision?
You were no fool when it came to answering your rhetorical questions. Your own emotions were devouring you whole, leaving nothing to waste and practically rotting into your every atom. Heartache wasn’t even the word to describe how you were feeling recently, you couldn’t even describe it yourself. It was searing hot; your chest, and your hands trembled with every thought of the fact you could never be with the person you wanted to be with, not after choosing your sides.
The truth hurt more than any blaster or lightsaber could, it left a permanent mark of regret and self pity. You felt weak and pathetic, you were a grown woman after all, you should’ve been stronger than this.
Being out on the balcony gave you time to cry. It gave you time to let everything out, every single raw emotion from the core of your heart. The tears never stopped coming and eventually you realised people were starting to leave. You didn’t move though, you didn’t even try to find the man who went by ‘Grand Admiral’ due to the fact he vanished, and practically left you alone.
Your whimpers died down, and now it was just the occasional tear cascading down your face. The party was getting quiet, but you noticed the lack of lights that were turned on in the city bestowed upon you as you leaned on the edge of the balcony. You drank in the sights, doing your best to get your mind off your consuming thoughts as you blindly took off your shoes. You raised one foot at a time, using the edge to lean on as you slipped them off and smiled, feeling relieved as your feet touched the freezing cold ground. For a moment, things finally felt peaceful. You dropped your shoes beside you and closed your eyes, returning to your leaning position on the balcony as you enjoyed the breeze swirling around you.
But the moment was ultimately ruined when you heard the sound of someone clearing their throat. You didn’t need to turn around to know who it was, you could hear his voice in the way he grunted, clearing the air as he made his presence known.
“It’s time to go” Thrawn announced in a calm voice, the same voice he always used.
You didn’t reply, instead keeping your head forward and pretending you didn’t hear him. You made no effort to move, focusing on the city sights once more and listening more to the wind than Thrawn’s voice.
“Rcati?” You heard him take a step forward and your shoulders immediately tensed, eyes peeking to the side as your heart hammered in your chest.
“What’s wrong?” It sounded like a question that you didn’t need to answer, but Thrawn’s tone of voice suggested he wasn’t up for silence, it suggested a sense of urgency.
“Sorry... I just got caught up in the views” You covered up your sadness and turned around halfway, tense and uncomfortable in case Thrawn spotted the faint black streaks down your cheeks. He stayed silent in response and looked at you with a blank stare, as if he was trying to decipher what happened whilst he was gone.
“Can we just leave now?” You asked, sounding more pitiful than you expected. Thrawn stayed silent for a few more seconds before letting out a soft sigh. No words were exchanged between you as he stretched out his hand. You looked down at it, inhaling deeply through your nose and feeling the pressure build up in your throat once more, the familiar sting of raw emotion rising up as you hesitantly hovered your hand over his.
Your fingertips trembled onto his wrist and you bit your cheek trying to hold your tears back. Unexpectedly, Thrawn grabbed your hand and pulled you to his chest, his other arm wrapping around you as he placed his chin ontop of your head. Unable to keep it in any longer, you weeped in his chest. Your arms wrapped around his torso and your cheek rest against the white material of his admiral uniform, mascara staining a tiny smidgen of the area of his collarbone. Thrawn held you tight and kept his arms securely around you, his lips pressed against your head but he didn’t kiss it, he just kept them there as you continued to cry.
You hated this; feeling so vulnerable and almost estranged. You were overwhelmed with how secure you felt in the arms of the man you loved, but you expected no different. Thrawn never held you so close like this, even in your childhood and your time in the Empire. Usually he would just hold your hand and wait for you to feel better, because he was never the best with emotions, he struggled feeling empathy and came across more as awkward than comforting.
You pulled away from his honey embrace and looked up at him through soppy lashes and blurred vision. The corner of his lip curled up, but not in a way that made him look arrogant, in reality he was smiling at the fact you had stopped crying; he managed to make you feel better.
Sniffing, you wiped your eyes and muffled a hushed ‘ch'ithe'umi'aco’ which made Thrawn frown, a small crease indenting itself between his eyebrows. He leaned back ever so slightly, just enough to bring his hands up to your shoulders and hold onto them. You weren’t sure what he was doing but he looked remorseful, almost frustrated.
“Why are you sorry?” Thrawn’s voice was unexpectedly soft, his tone much more quiet than it was moments before. You relaxed slightly, but your head hung low as you tried thinking of what to say.
“I just want to go home” You sounded so pitiful as you pleaded to Thrawn with teary eyes. He knew you wanted to go, get as far away as possible from the empire, and maybe from him. But for some reason he couldn’t let you go, of course he would get in trouble by the Empire if he did, but in terms of emotion and feelings, he couldn’t bring himself to do it.
“I promise... one day” Thrawn assured through a clenched jaw and unfocused eyes. He wasn’t even sure what to do, he felt so stupid, like a deer in headlights. You made him so nervous, especially when you cried. He always found crying so annoying, but when it was you, he felt terrified because he always thought he would somehow be the cause of it. Even as a baby, he done all he could to stop you crying. But now you were much, much older, and he wasn’t sure how to act.
“Just get me out of here” You requested, desperate to leave as you looked up at Thrawn with glassy eyes. He stated deeply into them for a second longer than necessary, and it took every atom in his body not to kiss you right there and then.
“Let’s get going then” He offered you his arm, and you didn’t hesitate to take it. Thrawn walked you out of the palace, and you don’t think you ever clung onto someone so hard before. Your fingers squeezed into the material of his sleeve, but didn’t dig into his skin. You looked around, on high alert right up until you were at the entrance to his private ship.
Thrawn coerced the pilots to make a rapid disperse from Coruscant, immediately closing the ship ramp and guiding you to one of the many rooms throughout the ship. It certainly wasn’t as big as the Chimera, but it was big enough to fit an entire crew.
Without a word to Thrawn, you took off your head piece and threw it on the floor, hands fumbling behind you as you struggled to unzip your dress. Your hands trembled as you walked towards the bed in the corner of the room, eyes teary and heart throbbing in your chest as you tried to ignore the pain of hiding your true emotions and intentions. You jolted as you felt a pair of hands push yours away, nimble fingers pinching the zip at the base of your neck and guiding it down your back until it eventually couldn’t continue. You were frozen, but you weren’t uncomfortable. Thrawn sighed behind you, he was keeping his distance.
But you didn’t want him to.
Your heart raced in your chest as you thought of a possibility that something more might happen at this current moment. But you had no confidence, no impulse to show him how you really felt. You didn’t want to ruin your friendship with him. Or whatever it was. You were aching for something more, you were so greedy for him. But not even in a physical way, like you used to.
You want him now in a way you never wanted him before. You craved his comfort and his ability to calm you down no matter what situation you were in. You craved his touch and how his lips used to feel. But you had no energy left in you to tell him that. The ball had completely drained you, robbed you of your ability to do things without having anything to hold you back.
Thrawn was right here, he was right behind you and it felt like he needed to say something. Maybe he was thinking the same thing.
Pushing that thought aside, you turned around, eyes immediately linking to Thrawn’s and your bottom lip uncontrollably quivering. He noticed your glassy eyes and uncomfortable silence, you wanted to tell him something. But what? He didn’t want to pry.
“I can’t do this anymore” You broke the silence like a lightsaber through metal, tongue shrinking in your mouth as you watched Thrawn’s eyes widen slightly, an endless scarlet void devouring you.
“Do what?” He replied, voice dangerously low and quiet, it made you crumble on the inside. You weren’t prepared for his anger, you weren’t even remotely ready to face his disappointment either. You just wanted to be happy. But being happy with him was never going to be an option.
You just had to let him know how you felt.
“Be with you like this anymore” You sounded like you were holding in a breath, chest heaving up and down as you held in the army of tears slowly rising as each second passed by. You swallowed your pride, and switched off your protective barriers that stopped you from telling him about your feelings for so long.
“I don’t understand?” Thrawn frowned slightly, taking a small step back and looking behind him to make sure no one was outside the door. He turned to close it, and you took that as an opportunity to sit down on the bed and hold your head in your hands. Thrawn turned around, slightly startled that you had moved without a sound. But he walked up and joined you. He sat beside you on the single bed and a hand placed itself on your knee. You flinched instinctively, hand pressed against your heart and eyes stinging with salty tears.
“I can’t... I-“ You struggled to form a sentence, especially with his torturous gaze on you.
“Please stop looking at me like that” You winced, tearing your gaze from his and using the sleeve of your dress to wipe underneath your eyes.
“Tell me what’s wrong; what’s really wrong” Thrawn kept his hands to himself this time as he said his next words, eyes softening as he struggled to look at you in a way that made you comfortable.
“I love being around you; that’s the problem! Every time I see you my heart feels like it’s about to combust and I hate it, i can’t stand it,” You were sobbing by the time you took a breath. “I absolutely adore talking with you, I feel like I’ve been reunited with a piece of myself which I lost for 14 years, there hasn’t been a day that’s gone by where I haven’t thought of you,” You weeped so loud but you tried so hard to contain it.
“We have a daughter together as well...” You looked back to Thrawn, eyes widening, surprised to see that his own eyes were glassy, but not a tear fell just yet. His hands were clenched so tightly, to the point his blue knuckles turned white, and he suddenly couldn’t bare to look at you.
“She’s in the dark about our relationship, but if I ever got the chance to tell her how I feel about you? I’d tell her that I fucking adore you. Every time I see you, it reminds me how lucky I am to have such an amazing person in my life. I don’t give a shit if you work for the Empire. You’re Thrawn, my Thrawn, and you always have been. Every moment I spent away from you, for the past 14 years, I was so unhappy. Omani kept me afloat, but seeing her always reminded me that you were the missing piece in my life... because I love you, Thrawn” You said, waterfalls cascading down your face as small pained whimpers fell from your lips. You stood up, not able to bare the silence that followed as you raced to the refresher attached to your room. You covered your mouth with your hand as you opened the door, but just as you were about to go in a hand stopped you.
Thrawn closed the door and spun you around, pressing your back against it and cupping your face with one of his hands. Without a word, he slammed his lips against yours, passionate and needy, as he wrapped an arm around your waist.
You immediately cupped his jaw and pulled him in closer, and as your thumb sweeped his cheek bone, you felt something wet beneath your fingertip. You pulled back, immediately leaning your head against his and opening your eyes to witness him crying. He wasn’t sobbing or making a fuss, but tears were leaving his eyes faster than you’d ever seen. You don’t think you had ever seen Thrawn cry before, so this was more than an experience for you.
“I love you too, ch'eo rcati tohn” His voice was so weak, barely a whimper as he pressed his lips against yours once more and kissed you in a much more calm manner this time. You melted in his arms, indescribable euphoria soaring through your veins as you let him guide you to the bed you were sitting on moments ago.
He pulled away from you and stroked your cheeks with his thumbs, his red eyes studying your every feature even though he knew about your every detail. He smiled, leaning forward and kissing your head before tugging at the sleeve of your dress.
“I’m staying with you for tonight, you should get changed while I go and get some pyjamas” He chuckled, happiness bubbling in the pit of his stomach as he watched you blush and smile at his comment.
“Will you be long?” You pouted slightly, earning another chuckle from Thrawn before he shook his head and kissed the corner of your mouth. You felt so pampered with all his kisses, you tilted your head so his lips were against yours once more. The two of you didn’t want to let each other go, but you couldn’t stop yourself from feeling empty as Thrawn gave you a small smile of reassurance before letting you go and walking out of the room, but not before giving you another look of pure astonishment.
You sat down on your bed, eyes unfocused and mouth curled up into the widest smile you ever mustered up. Your heart wasn’t as fast as it had been moments ago, but for the first time in years, you felt complete. Truly happy and oblivious to all the problems in the world.
You changed into something much more comfortable and cleaned all your makeup off, also hiding the blaster your snuck underneath your dress before jumping into bed with anticipation for Thrawn’s return. Soon after that, your door opened back up and Thrawn walked in wearing a black vest and black pyjama trousers. He locked the door behind him and made his way towards you with a beaming expression. He had cleaned himself up, eyes slightly puffy and tinted blue and slightly purple from the moment before.
He approached you and sat on the edge of your bed before raising his legs up and shifting to lie down beside you. His cheek rested on his arm and his eyes stared deeply into yours. You were unable to stop yourself from trailing your fingers against his jaw, his very fine stubble scraping against your skin which burned into your memory. Thrawn draped an arm over your waist and pulled you close to him, his chest pressed up against yours and your legs tangled together. You didn’t want to fall asleep just yet, you had just confessed everything to Thrawn; something you had been waiting to do for almost two decades. And you weren’t going to let the moment die so soon.
You stayed up with him for another hour, little to no words exchanged as you stole kisses and rolled around the bed to get comfy whenever your arms or legs got sore from being in a position for too long. You played with each other’s hair, peppered kisses over each other’s faces, and just bathed in the moment. You fell asleep on Thrawn’s chest, listening to his hearts melody until you eventually dozed over. He fell asleep soon after, spending a little more time appreciating you and the experience he had just shared with you. After he was satisfied, Thrawn closed his eyes and fell into one of the best sleeps he ever had. In fact, the best sleep.
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