#seronil

[ana-diary-darling]

Motylkowe rady🦋🦋

O których mało się mówi

• Codziennie biorę chrom w kapsułkach

• Piję morwę białą, która wspomaga odchudzanie poniżej macie link

• Piję zieloną herbatę, wspomagająca metabolizm

• Biorę antydepresanty (Bioxetin/Seronil) hamujące głód

• Nigdy nie jem normalnego ryżu ani makaronu, tylko kupuję ryż i makarony 7 kcal/100 g na allegro!

(Pamiętajcie, że przez internet wszystkie produkty low calorie wychodzą dużo taniej!!!🫶🏻)

• (Byłam osobą paląca, nie chciałam już palić) Biorę nikotynę w saszetkach (nikotyna hamuje głód)

• Myje zęby za każdym razem jak chce mi się jeść!

#blogi motylkowe #motylek blog #blog motylkowy #bede motylkiem #chce byc lekka #chce byc lekka jak motylek #chce widziec swoje kosci #chude jest piekne #chudajakmotyl #kocham ane #lekkie motylki #bede lekka jak motylek #dieta motylkowa #dieta ana #ed dieta #jestem motylkiem #bede lekka #lekka jak motyl #lekka jak piórko #lekka jak motylek #dieta any #chudosc #chude jest piękne #chce byc idealna #bede idealna #motylek any #motylki any #motylki blog #motylki #porady dla motylków

[theerrorofmylife]

Witch Queen Ch. 4

Thorin x Witch!Reader

It took me hours to find the sword types for this stupid chapter, and even longer when I spent a literal week reading about Ecthelion and the fall of Gondolin when I didn’t even need or use any of the information.

I GOT A DOG!! That’s kinda why I haven’t been as active, training and caring for her takes a lot of time, especially when she’s so young. I’ve also been sick for the past several weeks. I’m sick with the flu one week then I catch a shitty chest cold the next, it’s hellish.

I drank a ghost energy drink so I could stay awake and focus at work. Instead, I made this 2-3,000 words LONGER THAN WHEN I STARTED. Hehe whoops, I cut it off so that it wasn't longer than 5,000.... it would have been like... 7,000 if I hadn't.

Warnings: General LOTR/Hobbit danger, chase scene, non-important character death, reader can't run (just like me), Thorin and reader are so soft and in love its disgusting, kissing, smooches, these two get just a tad handsy, cursing, Thorin being rude to Elrond because he can be, elvish translated in italics directly after its said (unless translated by character). If there's any I missed, let me know.

“For you.” Turning to my right, I saw Thorin holding a sword out to me, the hilt glittering silver in the firelight of the ark troll cave. I recognized the thin scrolling designs and the soft, thin wrap of leather around the handle. It was of Elvish make, forged before my time, during the first age. I noticed another, very similar to it, in his other hand.

“It is beautiful, seronil, thank you.” I carefully took the blade from him, examining the sharp edge for nicks as he bound his own to his belt. Along the fine edge were several small places that looked worn, put to good use in battle I’d hope. It was not mine to examine for long before it was taken out of my hands. Looking up, Thorin had taken it and began strapping it to my side. My ears went hot as his hands ghosted my sides and my eyes scattered across the cave, only to find that the others had all left, most likely for shovels to make that ‘long-term deposit’.

“Âzyungâl,” He tightened the belt around my hips, and I lifted my face. I hadn’t even realized I was looking anywhere else besides him.

“These were forged in Gondolin… by the High Elves, of the First Age,” Gandalf spoke up from behind us, and Thorin’s face dropped into a scowl. Something about Thorin wishing we would have just a few minutes more to ourselves only to have Gandalf of all people interrupt him made me laugh silently. “You could not wish for a finer blade.” He was holding his own broad sword, straight and narrow opposed to our matching curved single edge falcatas. Leaning forwards, I pressed my lips to his cheek quickly before brushing past him and making my way out of the cave, paying extra attention to the ground as the reality of what I had done sets in. I hadn’t done that yet… neither had he, not really, I didn’t think kissing my hands counted quite the same.

 I snapped out of my thoughts as I nearly tripped, stopped short and looked up to take account of the others. They were scattered here and there, some talking about the gold in the troll cave, others talking about the journey ahead. It seemed like the calm after the storm had settled around us, as if we were finally going to get back to the monotonous journey once again. I could never be so lucky.

“Something’s coming!” Ori ran down from the rock top he was looking over. My hand reached over to pull my sword from my side as Thorin ran over and placed himself in front of me, his own sword already raised. A tethered pack of rabbits raced over the hill, pulling a sleigh behind it.

“Thieves! Fire! Murder!” A mad man raved as he came to a screeching halt in front of us. He was of man, not as tall as Gandalf, but younger, with a large nose and lichen growing down the side of his face, as if he were part tree. His hat had strange flaps at the sides, and his brown-greying hair and beard was matted and wild. A crazed look sat in his wide eyes, and he was rumbling nonsense. Gandalf was the first to move, placing his sword back at his side with a sigh of relief.

“Radagast! Radagast the Brown!” Radagast? He was one of the other Wizards Gandalf mentioned weeks ago. Relief quickly shifted to suspicion as Gandalf approached this new stranger, “What on earth are you doing here?”

“I was looking for you, Gandalf. Something’s wrong. Something’s terribly wrong.” Radagast was out of breath, whispering bad omens and glancing about like he was scared of being watched.

“Yes?”

“Just give me a minute. Um…Oh! I had a thought and now I’ve lost it. It was…it was- was right there, on the tip of my tongue! Oh! It’s not a thought at all! It’s a silly old… stick insect.” A long green bug crawls out of his open mouth and I have to look away not to be sick at the thought. The two walk off, Gandalf separating Radagast from the prying eyes of the company. An unease settled over us as we lowered our weapons but not our guard. The two talked for some time, and some of the company had sat down, others conversing in small groups, while sat with Bilbo, talking about home.

He missed his home so much and he spoke of it so fondly of his house and his books and his peaceful days. He had many neighbors whose company he enjoyed, family who he dedicated his time to, and even the luxury of six meals a day. I’d like to think that, over the course of these past several weeks, I had found a friend in Bilbo. Much like a confidant, he seemed to be one of the few I could openly talk to about things without the topic of Thorin always coming up. For 13 dwarves who spent much of their lives with him, they sure do ask me about him a lot.

Howling in the distance set the party on edge. No one moved, some didn’t even breathe, all hoping the howling would pass.

“Was that a wolf?” Bilbo asked quietly beside me. I shook my head, knowing wolves would be better than what it actually probably was.

“Wolves? No… that was no wolf.” I whispered. Thorin came running down from the cliff’s edge, rocks sliding as he made a fast descend to the rest of the group.

“Warg Scouts! Which means an orc pack is not far behind.” Everyone began moving so fast, packing things and readying themselves. I stuffed my things into my pack, my mother’s book getting shoved in carelessly. Gandalf was yelling, something about telling someone something, I wasn’t really listening. I was brought out of my frenzied rush by Dwalin brushing past me.

“We have to get out of here.”

“We can’t! We have no ponies. They bolted.” Panic was setting in. In the near distance, the howling and barking got louder. Glancing around the group, I met Thorin’s eyes. He met mine as he looked around the group. He didn’t know what to do, how could he, this was the first time any of us heard about Wargs and Orcs being on our tail.

“I’ll draw them off.” Radagast spoke up, and Gandalf quickly tried to shut him down.

“These are Gundabad Wargs. They will outrun you!”

“These are Rhosgobel rabbits. I’d like to see them try.” I didn’t know what Rhosgobel rabbits were, but if it gave us a chance then I’ll take it.

As soon as Radagast’s sleigh cleared the tree line we made a run for it. All of us running low to the ground I don’t remember the last time I ran like this. My chest burned, the air cold on my throat, cheeks flushing. We moved from rock cluster to bolder, dodging the Wargs’ line of sight and praying the Radagast kept them busy enough for us to make it to the next rock cluster. Running up and down hill was killing me. My mind raced with unhelpful thoughts; ‘what if we didn’t all make it?’ ‘What if I didn’t make it?’ ‘Can Wargs be quiet enough to surprise us and kill us off one by one?’ Like I said, very unhelpful. Gandalf was leading us northeast, and something about it seemed familiar. I didn’t have time to ponder it though, because the farther we got from our starting point, the closer Radagast and the Warg pack got.

We were all waiting behind a single large rock cluster when claws scraping against stone and hungry growling slowly crept over the hill to our backs. We pressed ourselves to the stone, clinging to the hope that maybe the Warg and its rider would not see us. Little chips of stone fell on my shoulders as loud snorts made the little hairs on the back of my neck stand on point. I think I was shaking, just a little, and my eyes focused on the expanse of yellowing grass, staggered pines, and tall, sharp stones. A hand unfocused my eyes as it came to hover above my collar bone. I followed the wrist, then the forearm, then the bicep, then the strong jawline, to the grey-blue eyes more focused on telling Kili to shoot the damn thing. The second his arrow flew we were made. He didn’t kill the scout, instead it took a second arrow to trip the Warg, and it tumbled off the hill in front of us. The scout got to its feet and ran at us, but Dwalin drove his axe into its side while Nori stabbed it repeatedly. It made so much noise, the sounds of the chase beyond had gone quiet. I shouldered Thorin out from in front of me, stretching my arm out to see the Warg hound clearly as I imagined holding the Warg’s skull in my hand, just above its spine. I pulled at the imaginary feeling until I just nearly felt it tangible and twisted my wrist harshly. The Warg’s neck snapped abruptly, and we all froze as the hills around us fell deathly silent. A horn, yelling in Orcish, and the howling started again, coming for us.

It wasn’t long before we were cornered, surrounded. We were all separated, in little groups of two or three, staggering and breathless. Looking over Nori’s shoulder, I caught sight of the boys and Thorin, a ways out to our left. Kili was shooting them one by one, but it did little to damage them. If he happened to land a successful shot, another Warg replaced it fast. My vision was blurring as I tried to keep track of everything. I couldn’t tell whether we were missing someone or if that was just the dizzying turn of my eyes.

“Where’s Gandalf?” Wait, what, where was Gandalf? He’s taller than everyone, he shouldn’t be hard to miss, so where-

“This way, you fools!” He appeared from behind a rock and the confusion mixed with the fear and the relief and made me sick. All this running was making me dizzy. I wasn’t built for running, I’m 5” with the physique of a relaxed walker… not a runner. One by one dwarves fell into the hidden tunnel, falling on top of one another, elbows, knees, and backpacks clashing down the steep fall. I pulled my arms up to shield my head as I rolled down the slope. My back hit the sharp ground, then my arms, then my back again.

Standing from the gravel littered ground, I began brushing myself off while narrowly avoiding elbows as the Dwarves did the same in the close proximity of the tunnel entrance.

“Kili! Run!” Thorin’s voice echoed down into the cave. The boys, Fili and Kili, were still out there. Fili came sliding first, and I grabbed his arms, pulling him out of the way as Kili followed shortly after. Watching the cave entrance, the longer it took for Thorin to join us, the longer panic took me over. Rocks and pebbles rained down on us as he came skidding to a halt. I breathed, filling my lungs fully for the first time since meeting Radagast. A horn sounded from somewhere nearby, and large hands pushed me back behind the party as a body fell after Thorin. An orc, unmoving, with an arrow sticking out of its back. Thorin pulled the arrow, examining it before throwing it in disgust. “Elves.”

The fear and sudden relief mixing in my chest were starting to make me sick. Looking over, I saw Thorin already looking at me, head tilted slightly as if to ask a question. I smiled and let my chest sink into a sigh as I nodded. I was ok. We were all ok.

“I cannot see where the pathway leads. Do we follow it or not?” Dwalin interrupted our silent conversation.

“We follow it, of course!” There was shoving, and the party was slowly forming a line to walk down the path.

“I think that would be wise.” I heard Gandalf mutter and realized that this was part of his plan. He led us here, knowing we would find this place, and he knows where it leads. Thorin realized the same thing.

“Where are you leading us...?” He didn’t get a response, only a strange look before Gandalf walked off to keep the others on track. The others passed me, each nodding towards me, like a gesture of acknowledgement or respect. It was weird but I moved past it. I went to follow, but a hand pressed against my back and on instinct I relaxed back into the warmth. Thorin wrapped his hand from my back around to my side and pulled my back against his chest, pressing a chaste kiss to my left shoulder. “Are you alright, My Lady?”

I smiled again, turning to meet his eyes. “Yes, My King, simply not built for running like that.” He chuckled low nodding.

“You and me both.” He kissed my shoulder again, slowly this time, moving from my shoulder up my neck until he was pressing slow kisses on my pulse point, under my jaw. We really should catch up with the others. His hands held me tighter, holding me fast against his chest. No matter how warm he was against me, he gave me chill bumps along my arms and down my back, my neck slowly leaning to the side as if to open up for him. He littered my neck with his kiss as his hand slowly lowered from my side to my hip bone, grabbing, as if desperate to go lower.

“Thorin?” Dwalin calls from far along the pathway. My whole-body tenses and Thorin lets out a silent laugh. I’m glad he finds getting caught so amusing.

“I’m following, Dwalin. Let me go at my own pace.” His hands moved to my waist to rub circles into my back with his thumbs.

“Aye. And is the Witch moving at your pace as well?” My face flushed red and Thorin kept laughing. This bastard-

“She is.” He called after Dwalin and sighed into my shoulder. “Let’s go, My Lady. I fear I’ve kept you for too long.” We walked along the stone pathway, the rocks towering above us to create a ravine that let the sunlight dance down on top of us. I walked behind Thorin, fingers locked with his, and we trailed behind the others at a distance so that we could talk.

“What are we going to when we get to the end of this? Gandalf knows where we’re going, and I feel like I do to- I just can’t place it.” Thorin nodded.

“Wherever we end up, we stay close together, and we do not let our guard down. I don’t care if it’s a friendly place we’re headed to. If anyone catches wind of our true intentions, to enter the mountain and reclaim it, they will try to stop us.” I hummed in agreement. Since leaving Bag End, I had found it hard to disagree with his rough, secretive outlook on this quest. Clearly things were not as they seemed when it came to the mountain.

“What if it’s the elves? Gandalf had been asking about seeing them before the trolls, is it unreasonable to think he would lure us to them?” Thorin visibly sulked at the thought but shook his head.

“No, that’s most likely exactly what he’s doing. Whatever they want, they will not have.”

“And if they want to help us?” He shook his head again.

“They won’t, and you know it. We must be careful Amrâlimê.” I nodded but suddenly had a thought that had never occurred to me before.

“What does that mean?” He stopped, turning confused.

“What does what mean?”

“Amrâlimê. What is that word? You’ve said other singular words like it too, but I don’t recognize them. And the other A- one and the I- one! I do not know these and yet-”

“What are you talking about?!” He interrupted me and my eyes widened in annoyance. He wasn’t answering me, and I felt like he was doing that on purpose.

"There was one that Kili called me, Irak-something! Thorin, please!” He smiled and shook his head, that rare smile like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“Irak’Amad, My Lady, is Aunt.” It took me a second to process but when I realized I smiled so wide my eyes crinkled. Fili and Kili have been calling me Aunt and I didn’t even know.

“And the others?” He looked down at my lips before meeting my eyes, his hands coming to sit on my hips again.

“Sanâzyung means perfect love,” he leaned in, pulling my chest against his. The way he spoke his native tongue, deep and rumbling in his chest, it made my head hazy. “and Âzyungâl means lover,” His head tilted down, lips a breath away from mine, so close I could feel him speaking against mine. “and Amrâlimê… means my love.” He gently pressed his lips to mine and suddenly the very thought of not kissing Thorin felt detrimental to my health. We had never kissed like this before; it had always been on the hands or shoulders. We were always with people, or in danger, never alone with no one to interrupt. It was slow, and I gently wrapped my hands around the back of his neck, threading my fingers through the hair at the base of his neck. He sighed through his nose, and we would have stayed there like that for hours had we not heard the others. Gasps of surprise and Dwalin calling Thorin’s name, sounding mildly panicked, broke us apart once again and this time it was I who sighed in agitation.

“We will never be alone, will we.” He gave a wry smile, pressing his lips to mine again, quickly this time. I didn’t want this to end, who knows when we’d get another chance to be so close. But the mission pressed on, and the road was long before the end of our journey.

 We caught up with the others and I was stunned at what I saw. Tall, spiraling, elegant towers, graceful waterfalls under delicate bridges stretching across the great expanse of the mountain’s edge. Great halls with high arches and curving stone glittered in the afternoon light. The great Elven estate was built in the mouth of the valley, looking out over the river as it extends east.

“The Valley of Imladris. In the common tongue, it’s known by another name.” Gandalf spoke over our awe, rounding the ledge as we all looked on.

“Rivendell.” A whisper came from my left and I looked over to see Bilbo, eyes wide.

“Here lies the last homely house, east of the sea.” I remember coming here, once, a long time ago with Thranduil. I was incredibly young, and I don’t remember the details, but I remember the feeling. This is home, without it every having been home. Thorin moved past me, anger masked by narrowed eyes and squared shoulders.

“This was your plan all along, to seek refuge with our enemy.” ‘Enemy’ was such a harsh word and yet I couldn’t really find fault with his point of view. I disagree, I believe Lord Elrond will help us more than hinder us, but in Thorin’s mind it wasn’t just Thranduil that abandoned his people that day. To Thorin, it was every Elf, every person who aligns themselves with the Elves or calls the Elves friend was liable to Thorin’s distaste.

Gandalf sneered at him, scrunching his nose as he snapped at Thorin, “You have no enemies here, Thorin Oakenshield. The only ill-will to be found in this valley is that which you bring yourself.”

“You think the Elves will give our quest their blessing? They will try to stop us.” The king tilts his head, wryly calling the ancient wizard’s choices into question. Gandalf had none of it, acutely aware of what Lord Elrond would have to say.

“Of course, they will. But we have questions that need to be answered,” He walked through the party, making his way to the stone step path that led down to the first bridge. “If we are to be successful this will need to be handled with tact, and respect, and no small degree of charm, which is why you will leave the talking to me.” I rolled my eyes. Thorin went first and I followed second, taking his hand to step down as the steps became steeper and more detailed. We walked shoulder to shoulder in pairs along the narrow bridges until we came to two tall Elven statues standing guard in front of a large circular courtyard. We filed into the courtyard, slowly regrouping and breaking off to talk separately in smaller groups. I stayed near Thorin, my hand resting against his shoulder as he and Dwalin discuss escape routes. From the steps above, a young Elf passes by two guards and almost don’t recognize him.

“Mithrandir.” Lindir was the right hand of Lord Elrond and had been for some time now. I had known him when he was younger, and to think that he had risen so far was surprising. He was always so… carefree as a young Elf. The two stepped closer, speaking Quenya in hushed tones. Thorin turned his head to Dwalin and I.

“Stay sharp, and you stay behind me.” I snapped my head towards him.

“I know the people here. Lord Elrond is a kind man, he will help us I know it, please trust me.” He met my eyes with skepticism, but I stared him down, knowing I was right. Suddenly a horn sounded behind us, and the clattering of dozens of horse hoofs spooked the company.

“Close ranks!” I was pulled back into a crowd of dwarven elbows as they close in around each other. The hunting party circles us until they have is hidden by rings of Elven warriors. A man I had met only a few times in my life dismounts from the head of the hunting party and approaches Gandalf happily.

“Gandalf!” He smiled wide and it felt like I was in the presence of peace and tranquility. Like he polluted the air with a calm demeanor and made everyone feel safe. Everyone except the dwarves. Gandalf bowed and began speaking with him in Quenya, too fast for me to easily translate. I slipped my hand into Thorin’s, pressed so close to each other that no one noticed. Until I was addressed.

“(Name), Niethir iin Eryn Galen, Thranduilwen!” (name), Niethir of the Greenwood, daughter of Thranduil! Looking up, I met his smile and reciprocated a relived one of my own.

“Hér Elrond!” I bowed my head and slowly eased my way out of the group. Thorin squeezed my hand, and I stopped short of leaving from directly in front of him. He held onto me, and I held onto him. Elrond saw this but made no note of it.

“Quenyalda aryaië?” Your Quenya is improving? My cheeks flushed as I remembered the promise I made to him when I was much younger. I told him I would learn every language I could, and that I’d be able to speak to him in perfect Quenya one day. At the time, I wanted to impress both him and Thranduil.

“Paranya, au lenca.” I am learning, if only slowly.

“Naylë arya malda nyanya,” You are better than most. I smiled widely and nodded in thanks. “Si casar, carltë lenda asillo?” These dwarves, do they travel with you? I looked to Thorin quickly before looking back to Elrond.

“Lá, málonya.” Yes, my friends. He nodded and grinned. Looking past me, he focused on someone else behind me and I felt Thorin’s hand tighten in mine.

“Welcome, Thorin, son of Thrain.” Thorin came to stand beside me as he was addressed.

“I do not believe we have met.” I almost sensed haughty arrogance from Thorin, like he was waiting to make some snide comment.

“You have your grandfather's bearing. I knew Thror when he ruled Under the Mountain.”

“Indeed? He made no mention of you.” Ah. There it is. I rolled my eyes and met Elrond’s once again. The right corner of his lip quirked upwards so fast and so little that I almost missed it. Almost.

“Si gonnhirrim arldë alatulyaië imi Rivendell. Silómë merenlmë, málonlda arldë fúmë hí.” I sighed and smiled brightly, nodding happily in thanks. He turned and began walking back up the stairs but was stopped when Gloin spoke up in rage.

“What is he saying? Does he offer us insult?” He pushed his way to the front. I jostled as the others moved to make room for him. Gandalf turned to us, obviously tired of the Dwarves’ antics.

“No, Master Gloin, he's offering you food.” The Dwarves froze and suddenly turned in to whisper tightly between each other. Thorin and I leaned in, and my lips just barely brushed his cheek.

“His exact words were that you are welcomed in Rivendell, and that we may feast and sleep here tonight, but Gandalf was never good at translating.” I spoke low and soft, so that he was the only one to hear me. He grinned and turned slightly, his eyes crinkling at the edges. His lips were so close to mine, but the others had already started moving towards the stairs and there wasn’t time. He pressed our foreheads together, the side of his nose against mine, eyes closed. It lasted only a second or two, but it became my favorite thing. We were led up the stairs farther into the estate, past large columns and gorgeous waterfalls, other Elves passing us. They nodded towards me when they recognized me, and the Dwarves started to take notice. Thorin leaned into my side, the little braid that hung by his ear knocking into my shoulder.

“They know you here?” I nodded, still scanning the area as we crossed another bridge with no railings.

“I came here once a really long time ago, but it’s more likely they know me because I’m a witch, one of the last, remember?” There was a pause before he nodded, lips closed tight as if something suddenly bothered him. I saw this, but I couldn’t figure out what it could have been. Thorin was always stoic these days, always looking ahead for the danger, always thinking of what-ifs. Moments like this I remembered just how different he is now compared to when we first met. The carefree, smiling young man who led me down backstreets and alleyways got smothered by time and grief and hurt. “Thorin,” I bumped his shoulder with mine lightly, “What are you thinking?”

He wouldn’t meet my eyes, looking off in the distance, before looking down at the stone walkway. “You are the last of your kind… that never truly struck me until now. To be the last of your kind, alone in the world, without anyone who truly understands… I’m sorry.” I was shocked. I guess that made sense, though I never really thought of it like that. Yes, I was most likely, almost definitely, the last Witch in Middle Earth, but it didn’t make me as sad as it probably should have.

“Don’t be. As much as it sounds horrible, I don’t feel bad being the last.” His head snapped towards me, eyes wide and worried.

“Why-”

“Come, you are to feast with Lord Elrond. Then, you will be escorted to the bath houses. Lady Niethir, you are welcomed to the separate house for privacy.” I nodded in thanks before lowering my head to speak to Thorin quietly again.

“I’ll tell you later, Ara Nín. Let’s at least have tonight before we step back into the world.” He nodded reluctantly and took my hand in his, kissing the back before pulling me with him into the dining room with the rest of the company. 

@mrsdurin ,@capricorn-anon, @emmapotato88 , @dontaskmehowdontaskmewhy , @eilin-brillewin​ @hpthalia126 , @undecided-about-everything-ever , @dark-chxos, @artemis-the-ace, @floatingintheshire

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#the hobbit thorin #thorin and company #thorin fic #thorin x y/n #thorin x reader #thorin durin #thorin oakenshield #thorin #the hobbit #the hobbit fanfiction #why am i like this #this is way longer than i thought #Thorin’s a huge softy #literally these two are so fucking soft for each other I can’t #more mushy than you’d probably think #THEY FINALLY KISS MOTHERFU_

[chudepieknemartwe]

hej motylki, mam wazne pytanie

bral ktos z was seronil 30mg? to ma jakis wplyw na wage?

#gruba szmata #grubasek #pro a4a #chce byc lekka jak motylek #gruba swinia #nie chce jeść #chce byc idealna #blogi motylkowe #blog motylkowy #nie chce jesc

[makabsjsjs]

TW waga

hej jestem w tym dosyć nowa kiedyś siedziałam na tumblr ale się poddawałam tym razem stwierdziłam że nie ma takiej opcji ważę 68 kg około tylko że jest jeden problem biorę leki na depresję przez które się tyje seronil biorę 30mg nie chce ich nie brać bo się źle czuję jak nie wezmę i czy wie ktoś co mogę zrobić lub jest w podobnej sytuacji?

#będę motylkiem #b─öd─ö motylkiem #chudej nocy motylki #motylki #motylki any #motylki w brzuchu #motylki blog #lekkie motylki #bede motylkiem #jestem motylkiem

[0-tekko-0]

Co do tej wizyty u psychiatry, o której wspomniałem przed paroma postami: byłem już kilka tygodni temu. To nie była wizyta moich marzeń, czułem się po niej sfrustrowany i zestresowany (finalnie, gdy wyszedłem, skonczyło się na płaczu). Delikatnie rzecz ujmując, psychiatra jakoś nie przypadł mi do gustu. Albo ja nie przypadłem jakoś do gustu psychiatrze. Obstawiam oba. Na szczęscie miałem zaraz po nim wizytę u psychoterapeutki i mogłem z nią porozmawiać o moich odczuciach, co dosyć mi pomogło, choć dalej nie czułem się dobrze. W każdym razie, z jego werdyktu, podobno rozwijają się u mnie zaburzenia osobowości. Przepisał mi leki (seronil) i pomimo iż przez pierwszy tydzień (jedna tabletka dziennie) szczególnie nie pomagały, to po zwiększeniu dawki na dwie tabletki (od zeszłego wtorku) jest już trochę lepiej.

Jako, iż jak już natchnie mnie na wstawianie posta, to czasami lubię pisać o wszystkim, pragnę się tylko poflexować tym, że w mojej szkole mogliśmy się dzisiaj przebrać (to tak przedwcześnie z okazji Halloween), więc przemierzam szkolę przebrany za Edgara Allana Poego z bsd. Mam nawet szopa (borsuka z gangu słodziaków z biedronki, którego pozyczyłem na tę zacną okazję od znajomej XDD). Wyglądam, jakbym próbował uciec ze stowarzyszenia umarłych poetów po przejściach, aczkolwiek czuję się naprawdę ładnie, a to raczej rzadkość. Nie mam stylu i raczej nie noszę fancy outfitów więc ten jeden raz jest naprawdę przemilą odmianą.

A no i btw, obejrzałem już film z fnafa! Dzień po premierze, moja przyjaciółka (ogromna fanka tej gry, czekała na film pół swojego życia) zabrała mnie (ledwo kojarzę pół procenta lore [kiedyś mi o nim opowiadała], nie pamiętam imion postaci, nie dowiedziałbym się o tym, że wychodzi film gdyby nie ona) do kina. Osobiście, nawet mi się podobało, ale wiem, że dla bardziej powiązanych z fnafem ludzi mógł mieć on inny wydźwięk (np że względu na nostalgię/oczekiwania wobec niego/śledzenie daty premiery itp) i ogromnie lubię słuchać także ich opinii (generalnie jak ktoś już oglądał to można podzielić się ocenką, chętnie przeczytam).

#ed not ed sheeran #fnaf movie

[anxiouskeleton]

I can’t stop binging.

For the past two months I’ve been binging like crazy, a few times a week and sometimes more than once a day.

Went to a therapist and got diagnosed with bulimia and now I take Seronil but it still hasn’t helped.

I remember when I could go a few days without eating and now it is too hard for me to say goodbye to binging. I am at peace when I eat, when I stuff my face with loads of calories. Even the thought of gaining enormous amount of weight can’t stop me because I just don’t care. I don’t care about anything. Even if tomorrow was my last day on earth, I honestly couldn’t care less (I’d probably be thankful).

I am writing this because I just can’t take it anymore, I am hopeless. I don’t know what to do. Food is my everything. My addiction. Watching tv doesn’t help. Going for a walk doesn’t help. Talking to friend doesn’t help. NOTHING DOES.

Do you have any tips on how to just fucking stop eating? How to start starving again and stop stuffing my face with filthy food?

#binging #b0dy ch3ck #pro a4a #th1n$po #tw ed diet #tw ana diary #ana trigger #ed not sheeran

[wiking0]

22.09.22

Recovery dzień 41 🥲

Hejka.

W dzisiejszym jak i wczorajszym dniu zdecydowanie dominuje stres. Wczoraj mialam spotkanie z psychiatra i ciesze się ze zmiany lekarza. Poczułam sie zaopiekowana. Lekarz zadawał duzo pytań, był dociekliwy i starał sie jakoś zrozumieć problem w przeciwieństwie do poprzednika. Bede odstawiać stare leki i brać nowe.

Zobaczymy czy te okaża się pomocne. Wczoraj ze stresu az sie objadłam, a przed wizyta zaczełam płakać i miałam ochote uciec. Nie mam pojecia czemu wizyty u psychiatry tak mnie stresują. W rezultacie nie było czym sie stresować.

Powoli zaczynam sie szykować na wyjazd do pracy. W koncu... Przesiedzialam dobry miesiac w domu. To jest właśnie minus mojej roboty (chociaz wiele ludzi by sie cieszylo z darmowego wolnego, ale nie ja 😐). Miesiac bez wyplaty też mi sie nie uśmiecha tymbardziej, że chce sobie odlozyć na wyprowadzkę.

Humor mam jakiś do kitu. Czuje sie mocno zdemotywowana, bez energii, bez ochoty na cokolwiek. Nawet nie chce mi sie do nikogo odzywać. Odstawiam leki, ale ciesze się na zmiane, bo Seronil niestety mało dawał po czasie.

Jutro czeka mnie terapeuta i spotkanie z kolega ze szkoły. Spotykamy sie raz na miesiac na piwo 😁 Także jutro moze być fajnie.

🌸 Kalorie na dziś:

🌸 Zjadłam:

Śniadanie: Dwie grzanki z wegańska wedlina i serkiem

Obiad: Dwa gołąbki

Kolacja: Owsianka z jabłkiem, cynamonem i śliwka

Miłego wieczoru :)

#lekka jak motyl #bulimist #motylki any #bede lekka #lekka jak piórko #bede motylkiem #jestem gruba #chude dziewczyny #chude nogi #chude uda #recovery #kartka z pamiętnika #kalorie #jedzenie #bilans #foodbook #food log #food #chude ciało #życie

[emperornero]

please someone prescribe cathal bravecog some seronil and adderall right now

[bpd-me-in-my-chaos]

treatment

First day on Seronil (fluoxetine). It should help me with depression and suicidal thoughts. Right now minimal dose it’s my 3rd attempt to that for depression. Long time ago I took carbamazepine it was amazing but it gave me a mania.

#bpd #depression #treatment #borderline #diary

[dymfnao]

Hydroksyzyna, seronil, destresboster, bioxetin. Codzienność.

#samookaleczanie #ból #mysli samobojcze #autoagresja #depresja #jestem problemem #mam dosc #problemy #strach #cisza #jestem beznadziejna #stres #natrętne mysli #bezsilnosc #palenie #poczucie winy #wyrzuty sumienia #znajomi #smutek #rodzina #antydepresanty #psychotropy

[2024poczatek-konca]

To był najtrudniejszy dzień ever. Planowałam pojechać pożegnać się z rodzicami oraz babcią. Podziękować im za te 3 lata wspólnego życia. Przeprosić że się tak od nich ostatnio odsunęłam.

Ja we łzach, mama we łzach i on-ojciec. Cały na czarno wpierdalajacy bigos nie mający zamiaru wstać xd On że tak powiem jest jak zaprogramowany robot. Bez wydanego polecenia nie umie funkcjonować, nie myśli. Nie wchodzi w reakcję jak jakaś sytuacja jest niezna. Dziś chyba jego dane zostały zaktualizowane. 🤣

Cała rozmowa przebiegła świetnie. W spokoju. Rozmawialiśmy normalnie. Powiedziałam że nie się co spieszyć z zabraniem rzeczy przez Łukasza, że niech na spokojnie wyjdzie ze szpitala i zadecyduje wtedy co chce dalej ze swoimi tobołami zrobić. Mama powiedziała, że ma nadzieję że za kilka lat ich odwiedzę. Jak się wszystko uspokoi, że może będzie jej dane pomóc mi w wychowywaniu moich dzieci, bo w wnuków po Łukaszu się raczej nie doczeka. Rozmawialiśmy z 2 godziny. Wstałam żeby się pożegnać i po raz ostatni rozejrzeć po domu. W tym momencie coś we mnie pękło. Zaczęłam płakać. O zgrozo, wyć i zanosić się płaczem. Nie mogłam ustać na nogach. Wymiotowałam jak kot. Mama wygoniła tatę na górę. Zabrała mnie na kanapę. Usiadła koło mnie i głaskała mnie po głowie. Non stop jak zdarta płyta powtarzałam jedno zdanie. „Mamo, dlaczego on mi to zrobił ?!”

Nigdy nie zapomnę jak z jej zaciśniętego gardła wydobył się przerażony szept. „Boże, dzieciaku.. tylko nie zwariuj…”

Nie wiem ile tak leżałam. Długo mi zajęło zanim doszłam do siebie. Mama próbowała mnie przekonać żebym przenocowała u nich, ale się nie zgodziłam. Zapaliłyśmy papierosa i wróciłam do domu z obietnica powrotu za kilka dni żeby pożegnać się jeszcze z babcią.

Jadąc na Elbląg przypomniałam sobie, ze 2 tygodnie wcześniej odstawiłam Seronil. Po tej wizycie wiedziałam, że bez pomocy farmaceutków się nie pozbieram.

#Spotify

[ovess-a]

i took different ssri coz seronil is finished and i feel like i even cant remenber how depression feels like, like im EXCITED bc IM living can u imagine..(??) breathe outtt

please Dear Fevarin, let me use ur power for at lest few weeks... i need to see smile on my Love's eyes

I love you, who care.

please fear lEAVE ME u fckin FVXK

just a pic with kebab on it

i should eat spicy version before i die(19:51;01/04/23)

[kocham-nienawidzic-zycia]

"To nie narkotyki, to leki z apteki a ja chce tylko dbać o zdrowie."

#jnktskt #junkie to sekta #tonciu #cpanie #mefedron #dxm #acodin #tussidex #asertin #schizofrenia #thiocodin #psychoza #drugs #tnc #narkotyki #narko #prefaxine #seronil #prozac #fluoksetyna #zoloft #asentra #sertralina #perazyna

[sokerikeiju]

Day 4, 25/11/2019

Ward was really restless over the weekend so I've mostly spent time in my room. I tend to take in too much if I see some raging. It triggers my anxiety alot and makes me really nervous. But today has been okay. One of the other patients brought me coffee from downstairs because I cant go out of the ward without a nurse ❤️ she saved my day.

I met the doctor again today, my whole medication is changing. At the moment I take fluoxetine (Seronil) and risperidone (Risperdal) in the morning and agomelatine (Valdoxan) in the evening . All will be taken down and I'll start taking Effexor/Venlafaxine in the morning plus quetiapine (Seroquel) and zopiclone (Imovane) in the evening. If needed I can take oxazepam (Opamox) 💊 If this medication doesnt work, I'll get ECT.

I got to go outside for the first time today. There's a little fenced area so I went for a walk with my nurse. It didnt go well since I got a panic attack.

I have 2 personal nurses, let's call them A and P. A seems to be in professional mode all the time and seems abit uptight. P is my favorite. Talking with her is easier and she has given me so many new things to try when I try to cope with anxiety and selfharm thoughts. Like eating chili candy. It's just pure pain 0 flavor 🔥💀

My partner has visited me twice already. I miss him daily and I tend to turn into a sobbing mess when I think about him. Thankfully it's only a 15minute walk to our apartment so we'll see each other often 😍

Soon it's time to eat again, I feel like I'm stuffed all the time. It's nice though. I kinda stopped eating at home. Maybe things will get better bit by bit.

#personal #inpatient #psychiatric ward #psych ward #major depression #life with depression #depression #general anxiety disorder #anxiety #panic disorder #psychosis #psychotic disorders #quetiapine #seroquel #fluoxetine #risperidone #risperdal #Valdoxan #seronil #agomelatine #effexor #venlafaxine #zopiclone #imovane #mental health #recovery

[themidnightcircusshow]

Not the person who sent you the X/TB question, but I loved reading your answer! I agree with it, even though I also adore X (it's clearly a flawed story). I have to say that a lot of people aggressively love Kotori in reaction to her mistreatment by the plot. I've been in the Clamp/X-TB fandom in the aughts, and it was super common to hate on her for being a weak, traditionally feminine character that 'got in between' the insanely popular ship. The poor writing certainly didn't help. 1/?

Nowadays, people are aware of the issues with Kotori's poor writing but decide to defend her instead of bashing her. She has good qualities and IRL would be a lovely person... too bad that, as you say, Clamp wrote her as a LI/fridged woman. BTW, the indigo painting thing was anime only. Speaking of anime, do you think that it's ending was based on what Clamp planned for the manga? In the anime Kamui becomes a part of Fuma (AFAIR) so that both the world and Fuma continue to exist. BTW IDK if you have it (and sorry if you do and I haven't looked yet), but I would love to read your top 20, or even just top 10 of Clamp characters! You write great Clamp meta. 3/3

I was in the fandom in the 00s too, but my corner wasn’t very interested in Kotori or Fuuma so I never really saw any bashing and more just... complete lack of interest lol. I can see how she got a lot of hate (tale as old as time-- canon love interest of popular slash ship) but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. I kind of feel bad because I hate how she’s written, not what she’s written to be (if that makes sense), but dammit CLAMP has proven time and time again that they can write characters who are both sweethearts and interesting (*points to the clones in TRC* *points to the entire existence of CCS* *points to Sumeragi freaking Subaru, and Yuzuriha, and other characters in the same work who manage to be both nice and compelling*). It’s a case of where is the line between the character and what the writers did with the character, y’know? Which sucks coz I like sweet, stereotypically feminine characters, but everything CLAMP did with Kotori genuinely pushes my buttons (which is why I get a bit borderline aggressive with this topic, sorry... I’m always like oh this feels mean but also flames, flames on the side of my face).

About the X anime ending, I know CLAMP have said that it wasn’t what they planned and I think it’s not exactly what they planned (CLAMP would never have done that to Subaru), but I wouldn’t be surprised if some elements were there. Largely, like I said, I would be willing to bet (not a lot, but some) money that CLAMP originally intended to have Kamui die to bring back Fuuma because that happened in TRC. I’m going to assume Sorata and Arashi were going to be pretty similar to the anime too. Other than that I’m really not sure. Everything CLAMP has said about the ending they’ve planned for X makes me kind of nervous because (again, will write the meta one day) I think X needs to have a happy ending.

And on that bombshell...

Ok, top characters of CLAMP:

1) Sumeragi Subaru (literally my favourite character in all of fiction, everyone give him a little crown) 2) Clone Syaoran (used to be my ultimate fave before I found Subaru, and also CLAMP totally screwed up his character arc with that ending, but I still love him so very very much)

Interchangeable based on my mood: 3) Watanuki Kimihiro (is me) 4) Yuuko Ichihara 5) Sakurazuka Seishirou 6) Clone Sakura 7) Sumeragi Hokuto 8) The Mokonas

Also interchangeable based on my mood but not able to crack the above group: 9) Kinomoto Sakura (was my genuine idol as a child) 10) Li Syaoran (my grumpy son)

(I tried to do top 20 but the bottom 10 was just a mess and lbh all their butts could be kicked by the various xxxHOLIC fox spirits)

#Asked and Answered #Seronility #Meilin would go in the above but she's anime only #And some characters I like in the group but not so much on their own #Also if it helps my feelings on Kotori are kinda similar to my feelings on R!Sakura #In that the narrative treats her so grossly that it's hard to actually feel anything for her as a character #But R!Sakura we at least have a vague idea of her personality based on her counterparts #I think I just don't like the dreamseers in X it's an interesting concept but I didn't like how any of them were done #But I'm in full support of spite-stanning especially female characters who get unjustified hate #So if you all want to defend Kotori til the ends of the earth then power to you #I'm going to be defending the clones... probably from similar arguments #Honestly considering what kind of place CLAMP and general anime fandom was back in the 00s how the heck did Subaru get almost no hate #He practically was tailor made to be everything everyone hated and instead I've seen like two hate posts in my entire fandom history

[meta-squash]

Your ADHD procrastination post has really stroke a nerve with me. I've had the same issue for years, but thought it's normal for everyone. Since about a year or so, I've been wondering if I may have an undiagnosed ADHD along diagnosed conditions. If it's not too personal, how else ADHD manifests in you? I hope it's okay to ask. I love hearing women's stories about ADHD because they are much different than the stereotypical image of it...

It’s not too personal! (FYI I go by they/them pronouns, but I am afab; it’s all good though!) Also, this got VERY long, I’m sorry! I’m verbose and have a lot to say, apparently.

So I personally have a weird relationship with ADHD. I was diagnosed with it (or some sort of attention deficit thing) when I was in like 3rd or 4th grade. I was briefly medicated but I think I was on Ritalin (I forget) and my child body couldn’t handle it; I was a zombie during the day and then when it wore off at night I was Evil and freaked out and wanted to fight everything. So I went off it pretty quick and didn’t get medicated after, presumably because my parents thought my ADHD wasn’t bad enough.

The reason they probably thought that is because my brother has Really Bad ADHD. Like, all the classic stereotypical symptoms and characteristics to the extreme: never shuts the fuck up, really damn loud all the time, extremely high energy, can learn pretty much anything in about 5 seconds but can’t actually hang on to an interest really (now that he’s an adult he can, but not as a kid), can’t sit still or pay attention in class, doesn’t finish homework, etc etc. I was able to mask mine and function enough to get through school just riding pretty much on my humanities grades alone. It sucked a lot but I somehow did it. I had an IEP (Individual Education Plan, which is a US school thing for kids with learning disabilities and such that allows for accommodations and assistance in school) but it didn’t do much except I think give me extra time on math tests because of my dyscalculia (I was in Special Ed Math my whole grade school career). My mother is an OT but I also think that (as you said) ADHD in afab people often manifests differently than in amab people, so I guess my parents just didn’t know what to look for and that’s why I never really got the same help as my brother.

I like to jokingly categorize ADHD into two distinct but overlapping types: Fast ADHD and Mush Brain ADHD. Fast ADHD (in my opinion; this may vary from person to person) is the classic stereotype symptoms. Fast ADHD’s focus problem is too much happening all at once. Lots of thoughts and ideas flying by and you get distracted mid-thought with another thought, or your train of thought gets really crazy but is super fast so your reply to someone’s comment might not make much sense to anyone else because they weren’t privy to your brain’s journey, or you go down a focus worm-hole and sit and do One Thing all day and forget to surface for things like food/water/bathroom. Fast ADHD has more energy (though when paired with depression that usually manifests as restlessness or anxiety) and is quicker to pick up new things. Mush Brain ADHD is kind of the opposite. Thoughts take longer, or you think of something and then it almost immediately disappears (for example, scrolling a website, seeing something that you want to google, you scroll for like 5 more seconds and think “wait, I completely forget what I was going to look up”). With Mush Brain ADHD it’s harder to have conversations because thought-to-mouth time is slower, rather than (with Fast Brain) lots of stuff is going on up there. Mush Brain often feels like, well, mush and like you can’t really form thoughts very well if you want to do stuff. It’s like you’re trying to focus on thinking a thought but it just slides away. Another way I’d describe it is having thoughts but it’s like they’re on a blackboard and they’re being erased as you think them, so they end up mostly smears. Obviously, this is just based on my own experiences as a Mush Brain ADHD person while my brother has Fast Brain ADHD, so this might be different for other people.

Both have lots of overlaps: executive dysfunction (that’s the big one), insomnia, auditory processing problems, hyperfixation (which is not a bad thing! I love my hyperfixations! They’re fun!), absolutely crap organizational skills, constantly losing things, really bad perception of time, detachment from the world (like you drift off into your own daydream, or things feel distant, but not quite the same as depersonalization/dissociating),  difficulty making choices, sensory processing disorder, crap abilities with money, rejection sensitive dysphoria, and often comorbid mental illnesses like depression, OCD, anxiety, dyscalculia/dyslexia, etc.

 Oh, and a lot of ADHD characteristics also overlap with depression characteristics (and a lot of people with ADHD have comorbid depression, so it really doesn’t help).

But I can tell you about my own experiences with some of these.

The Big One which is basically what that schrodingers motivation post is about, is executive dysfunction. People also call it procrastination (it only kind of is) or inertia. Basically, executive dysfunction is where the difficulty lies in starting the task. You want to do something, but you just can’t get going to do it. You get sort of paralyzed. It even happens with things you like. For example, when I made that post, there was a short (just over 100 pgs) book I wanted to read before the end of the day. It’s a good book! It’s on my reading list! I want to read it! But I just sat on my computer and watched dumb youtube videos because that’s what I was already doing and executive dysfunction makes starting tasks really hard. This happens to me a lot. It can happen with reading a book, or getting up to go to the store and buy groceries, or making a meal, or watching a movie. The movie-watching one happens to me a lot. Basically it’s the brain struggling to switch tasks; you’re scrolling tumblr, and that’s what your brain is focused on, and it doesn’t know how to switch from doing that to doing your bio homework or folding the laundry or whatever the task may be. This happens with “bigger” or more complex tasks too, like starting an art project or starting a new book, because your brain has to figure out all the components of that task (I need these items for my project and this amount of time and I need to use them in this order) which is overwhelming, or it needs to comprehend how “big” the task is (how much time/concentration should I try and commit to in order to read this book) which is sometimes hard to gauge. Oh, also this can happen if you’re interrupted in the middle of a task, whether it’s to do another thing or just to answer a question or something; it’s hard to get back to it because it’s another kind of switching tasks. Aside from the blackboard-being-wiped-thoughts, this is my biggest ADHD problem. I can go more into how I dealt with executive dysfunction in college and now if you want!

Auditory processing issues is another thing that I deal with, although to a lesser extent than some people. It just means it’s harder for your brain to process sounds/talking. Part of this, for me, is because if someone is talking to me but there’s other noises (music, other conversations, general loudish ambiance) going on around us, my brain treats them all as equally important and I can’t focus in on the person talking. Another part for me is in my experience I seem to process conversation different from explanation. If I’m talking back and forth with someone about something and it’s not terribly important, I’m fine. If they’re trying to explain something to me, give me instructions, or read a passage of text to me, it just does not stick in my brain. If I’m helping my best friend with her grad school applications, I have to read the sentence she’s asking me check, I can’t have her read it to me. If she does read it to me, I’ve realized that I try to imagine the words as text in my head so I comprehend it better (it doesn’t always work). Auditory processing issues means that a lot of my conversations in public with people who are not my close friends (and therefore easier to pick out from the noise because familiar and/or easier to predict because familiar) are filled with a lot of me going “what?” Retail conversations with customers are slightly easier because there’s at least a mild “script” that they’ll stick to, usually.

Another one I experience is organizational problems. This one was bad enough that I actually went to a tutor-like thing to help me with it for most of grade school. Basically, I had no ability to organize tasks like doing homework or other activities, so things would get forgotten/lost/never even written in the calendar/etc. I couldn’t do projects because I couldn’t (and still kinda can’t) organize far enough into the future. I didn’t know how to break the project down across multiple days or weeks and make it manageable without totally forgetting pieces of it. I’d forget to write down homework when the teacher wrote it on the board, or I’d write it down but forget to do it. Or I’d do it but misplace it or leave it at home. My perception of time was also really crap; I couldn’t read an analogue clock until I was in maybe 6th grade? Even now I sometimes have trouble. It was hard to know how much time I had to allot to certain projects because I didn’t really have good perception of how hours fit in the day and how much time until homework is due and stuff. (Which meant lots of finishing things in class minutes before I had to turn it in and stuff. Once in uni I completely forgot to do an Entire Essay; luckily it wasn’t a class I needed to graduate.)

Along with this is losing EVERYTHING. I misplace things CONSTANTLY. I’ll put something that’s in my hand down to get a cup of tea or something, or even just to like, move a blanket, and I’ll forget where I put it. I’ve solved this problem with Important Things (wallet, phone, and keys always go next to my bed, for example, and rarely move from there if they’re not in my pocket. All important papers go in my Important Papers Folder as soon as soon as possible) but I lose regular stuff all the time. I’ll be working on an art project, I’ll put my glue stick down to reach for a piece of paper, and lose the glue stick in the time it takes to pull the paper towards me. The other day I was brushing my teeth and I put the toothbrush cover down to say hello to the cat and forgot where I had put it down once I had followed her to the next room. When things have a Place it’s easier, but I’ve learned to live with going “Where the FUCK did I put this thing? I had it a second ago!” at least once a day.

The “Mush” in “Mush Brain” is another big one for me. I don’t know if this has, like, a name? Or anything? It’s just what I call it. The best description for it would either be that blackboard description from above, or like you’re struggling to get to a thought through a lot of mud. Oftentimes I’ll have a sort of concept of a thought but not something full, and I know it’s there, but I can’t get to it. This is really apparent when I’m trying to remember a synonym for something, or trying to elaborate on certain concepts or pull ideas from texts. It doesn’t happen all the time. I was an English lit major in uni, so this affected me a lot back then. It’s sort of a similar feeling to reading the same sentence over and over and not registering the words, except it’s in your own brain instead. This kind of goes away for me when I’m writing/typing. Writing this out is easy (minus me forgetting the word executive dysfunction for like 5 minutes) but if you were asking me to explain this aloud I would struggle, probably. This is probably because I can stare at what I’ve written to see what’s missing or edit my thoughts, which I can’t do while I’m speaking, and also can’t do to other people’s interactions with me.

Just a general inability to focus is also one I struggle with. It goes with the “mush brain” to an extent but I think it’s different. It’s more like my brain doesn’t want to, well, focus on anything. If I’m just messing around on my laptop, that means I end up clicking back and forth between tabs endlessly because nothing is holding my interest. If I’m trying to read or do anything “intellectual” or “academic” it means I just can’t get myself to read or I can’t keep my thoughts on what I’m trying to write no matter how hard I try. Nothing holds my interest for long enough, it’s like brain restlessness. I try and concentrate on doing something, watching something, reading something, and my brain just slides away from it.

Rejection sensitive dysphoria is something I experience on a more minor level. It’s something that also overlaps with anxiety and depression. Basically, it’s a really intense emotional reaction to (perceived) rejection. For example, if my best friend says something to me with a certain tone or gets mad at me for doing something minor, my brain just goes “She hates you! She doesn’t want to be friends with you! You should isolate in your room and never speak to anyone again because you’re so annoying and terrible!” I know that’s mostly incorrect (although I also know I’m quite annoying and that’s another ADHD characteristic; knowing you’re annoying someone in some way and having no idea how to stop) so I can fight it but sometimes I do end up holing up in my room for a little bit. Things like criticism (whether towards you or towards, like, an essay or something) can also trigger this reaction. So can things like having an expectation that you’ll be good at something, and then failing at it or just not being as good as you’d hoped. (I developed a sort of defense mechanism for this one of never expecting to be good at things and never expect higher than a C in a class.) It also can come with a sense of feeling inferior around people doing similar things. It happens to me a lot here on tumblr, actually, because I’ll write a meta about something, and then read someone else’s good meta on the same thing, and feel like I’m an idiot and they’re really smart and nothing that I wrote was insightful or good. It happened to me in uni a lot too. It also happens to me kind of...secondhand, now. What I mean is, my best friend/roommate is extremely smart. Like genuinely one of the smartest people I know and an incredible thinker, straight A’s at uni in a degree she created, etc. She still gets imposter syndrome herself and feels like she’s not smart, and when she says she’s not smart, I feel bad for her but I also feel really terrible about myself, because if she thinks she’s stupid, then what am I? But again, it’s an overreaction to perceived rejection. It still sucks though.

There’s some evidence that ADHD comes with a whacked out sleep schedule. And not just insomnia (although that too, I know this because it’s 7am and I haven’t slept yet lol), but also Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder. Which basically means that most people’s circadian rhythms start slowing down so they’ll go to sleep around like 11pm-1am-ish, give or take. ADHD circadian rhythms are shifted so often we start getting tired around 3am or even 4 or 5am. (This is different from insomnia, btw, with DSPD you can fall asleep fairly easily, you just get tired later in the night; with insomnia it’s an inability to or difficulty in falling asleep quickly.) I always thought I’d just gotten my dad’s night owl genes, but it’s more likely that it’s the ADHD. I also have at least mild insomnia and it takes me a million years to fall asleep a lot of the time.

Hyperfixations are the Fun part of having ADHD (in my opinion). They can get in the way sometimes but they’re also really comforting and nice. Hyperfixations happen when you find an interest and it’s basically all you want to think or talk about, and you relate to the world through it, and you want to learn everything about it. It’s also a characteristic of autism. I’m not autistic, so I don’t know if there are major differences between ADHD hyperfixation experiences and autism ones. Anyway, often hyperfixations stick with you for a good amount of time, depending on the strength, and then you might find something else to focus on. Some of my hyperfixations have lasted a few months, some up to 4 years. A lot of ADHD people rotate through the same or similar ones. For example, a hyperfixation I had back in 2011-2014/15ish was Les Miserables. I then found a different thing to hyperfixate on. This past year I have returned to Les Mis. Hyperfixations are usually pretty cool, because it’s usually something you really like and enjoy learning about or doing and it’s kind of like the thing your brain would rather be doing/focusing on.

Personally, I’ve lived so long without ADHD medication that I’m fairly functional without it just due to coming up with personal adaptations and stuff. The thing that I have the hardest time with/that upsets me the most is the Mush Brain part, which also gets worse when my depression gets worse. I really would love to have clear, quick thoughts whenever I want. It’s frustrating to hold a conversation or try to write creatively and quickly when it takes forever for thoughts to fully crystallize in my brain and then come out my mouth or fingers. Right now I don’t have very good health insurance (all blame to covid layoffs) so I can’t really do the meds thing but I often wish I could. My ADHD is definitely not as intense or severe as some people’s. I have friends, and also my brother, who struggle a lot more than I do, and with different things

Holy hell this was so long. Feel free to message me if you have any questions! Or if you want me to elaborate on some of the things I do to deal with stuff.

#asks #squash rambles #wow i'm so sorry #as an adhd person i know that is a lot of text to read #i'm too verbose for my own disorder lol #seronility #adhd