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babydollmarauders · 1 year

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I’d love to see a tense and restless Jack on his and the reader’s first night out since El was born. Like moms are usually the tense ones, but Jack can’t even think straight because it’s weird not having his kid around and not knowing if she’s okay or not.

“Jacky, she’ll be okay.” my hand rubs circles on my husbands back, our daughter held tightly in his arms as i try and reassure him that the four month old will be okay without us.

“there’s prepared bottles in the fridge, you’ll just have to warm it up. and you know the diapers and wipes are in the diaper bag on the table. she just ate like twenty minutes ago, so she might only need one bottle in about two hours, if we’re not home by then. um-”

Jack is cut off by Quinn’s sigh.

“bro, it’ll be fine! you have a whole house of babysitters right now!” Quinn reminds his brother. “go. take. your. wife. on. a. date.”

Jack heaves out his own sigh and nods, finally handing El over to Luke, who stands next to Quinn.

“yeah! remind her she’s sexy, or else i might become El’s new stepdad!” Trevor chimes in from his spot on the couch. i roll my eyes as Jack lets out a sarcastic laugh.

“my wife knows i think she’s very sexy. how do you think we got here in the first place?” at Jack’s words, i lightly smack his shoulder, huffing out a chuckle.

“let’s go, babe. just ignore Trevor, i’m not sure why he thinks he would be a fit decision for a stepdad.” i joke, pushing my husband along towards the front door. “if anyone, it’d be Alex!”

Trevor gasps at my quip, swinging around to look at me.

“i resent that!” he calls out.

“i knew i was daddy material.” Alex shrugs as he walks out of the kitchen and into the living room, dropping his weight onto the couch.

“never say that again.” Cole laughs, stretching his leg over from the armchair he sits in to kick Alex’s leg.

Jack rolls his eyes as i laugh at our friends, a small smile playing on his lips.

“let’s go to dinner, J.” i tell him, finally able to pull him out of the house.

Jack spends the entire drive to the restaurant gripping the steering wheel tight, his eyes glancing down towards his phone in the cup holder every minute.

“Jacky.” i sigh as we’re seated at our table, him immediately checking his phone as i pick up my menu.

“hmm? yeah?” his eyes flicker towards me briefly before setting his phone back down.

“she’s fine. i promise.” i reassure, my voice gentle as i snake my hand to rest on top of his on the table.

“i’m just worried.” he confesses, as if i couldn’t already tell. “what if something happens? we should be there, we’re her parents.”

i can tell the guilt of any hypothetical situation is eating away at him, and i’d be lying if i said it wasn’t setting in slightly for me. but i know that our daughter is in good hands. she has five uncles who love her, watching over her right now and she’ll be okay.

“i know you’re worried, and i know you feel guilty at the thought of us not being there if something were to happen. but we need this, Jack.” his shoulders square when he realizes i didn’t use a nickname, showing him that i’m serious.

“it’s been probably five months since we’ve had a date night. four months since we’ve spent any time to ourselves. there has to be at least some semblance of romance still in order for us to to not turn into a pair of zombie parents who drift apart.”

my voice trails off at the end, and i know he knows i’m referring to my own parents. who after i was born, took their roles as parents much too seriously, thinking i was their only priority, never taking a date night, never putting their relationship first, until eventually they grew apart. they stayed married, but it was somehow worse, as they had fought and became locked in a toxic marriage that hadn’t done any of us any good. they became overbearing and overprotective of me as a result. which only ended badly.

“hey.” Jack coos, squeezing my hand in his to ground me back to this moment. “i won’t let that happen. i promise to you, and to El.”

a smile pulls at my lips at his words.

“i know.” i assure him. “and i know it’s hard to leave her right now, it’s hard for me too. but it’s the first time, eventually, it’ll get easier. i hope.”

he chuckles at my last words, nodding his head.

“i hope so too.” he tells me. “it’s different when i’m on roadies because you’re there. you’re the one taking care of her. but…”

Jack wrinkles his nose.

“my brothers? our friends? do we really think they’re capable?”

i bark out a laugh, covering my mouth to try and muffle the sound in the crowded restaurant. a grin spreads across my husband’s face at my laugh, making my heart race like when we first started dating.

“i really think they’ll be okay.” i giggle. “she’s their niece, they don’t want anything to happen to her.”

“you’re right.” Jack nods.

“i always am.” i shrug and he playfully rolls his eyes as a waitress finally steps up to our table. as i’m telling the girl my order, i can’t help but notice Jack checking his phone again, even typing what i assume is a check-in text to his brothers.

once the waitress leaves, Jack’s phone buzzes on the table and he reaches out for it like his life depends on it. reading his incoming text, his shoulders slump in relief and i furrow my eyebrows at him.

“she’s asleep.”

#el!hughes au #jack hughes x reader #ask faithlynn ✨

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snarky-art · 10 months

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Dark Bloom post!

Lore below the cut!

In my thing, Bloom is super insecure in s2. In s1, she was insecure in the sense that she didn’t know who she was or where her powers came from or how magic worked. She still ends up kicking ass in the finale, but when she goes back to school, she notices she isn’t able to summon that kind of power again. She learns the real reason she was so strong during the fight during The Attempted Siege of Magix is because The Great Dragon resonated with Daphne’s spirit when they were speaking, and that gave it a huge boost.

Her totally awesome “I’m So Built For This And This Is Who I Am” moment was helped by her accepting her role and who she was (it was the best she was able to utilize The Flame separate from Daphne actually), but it was nothing compared to what even a glimmer of Daphne’s essence could conjure.

In s2, her insecurities now come from knowing who she is in relation to the great royal line of Domino and her feelings of inadequacy as The Holder of The Flame in regard to her predecessor, Daphne.

She does still get counseling sessions helping her connect to aspects of her past, but it’s done with both Avalon and the school therapist present as well as Griselda (having her alone with Avalon with all the weird subtext in s2 with him made me feel ick and as an adult now I don’t wanna have a repeat of that).

Avalon focuses on exploiting the insecurities he knows she has because of her talking about it during their sessions and seeing her struggle to try and gain even a sliver of the power she knows Daphne had and live up to who she was, which only gets worse the more she learns through her memories and general study and research on Dominion history (it’s now much more openly spoken about and is being reintegrated properly into the core curriculum. She does extra research on her own time, to the detriment of her actual assigned course work sometimes. It is indeed noticed by the faculty and her friends. Slipping into her flop era) as well as her continued conversations off and on with Daphne’s spirit.

This form is a manifestation of all her complicated feelings: the sadness, jealousy, rage, guilt, etc., combined with her already present survivors guilt and martyr complex due to her feelings of inferiority and need to do anything she can to make the sacrifices from The Fall of Domino worth it.

Her eyes are yellow and slitted to match Daphne’s, with the purple colors matching the ones used by Dominion royalty and courtesans, specifically those who work with The Flame. Her crown shifts to look similar to the crown Daphne often wore during important events, emblematic of The Crown Princess next in line for the throne. Her darker color scheme is to represent the ashen smoke and decay that came when Domino fell, and to reflect how overwhelmed by The Flame’s legacy she feels, all consuming and as far as Bloom is concerned, worthy of burning her to a crisp with how little she feels she’s worth. Her nails are extended to mimic dragon claws, something Daphne was able to summon and morph her body to have because of how integrated The Flame and by proxy The Great Dragon was with her being. The winged ear piece is also a reference not only to the obvious but to the pointed ears of Dominions, something she feels shame for not having sometimes due to how she had to be hidden away on Earth and as the only living relic of a time long past, the survivors guilt rearing its ugly head and reminding herself of her belief that she’s a poor excuse for a legacy.

She’s a bit more power hungry and her feelings aren’t great in s2 and only get worse as time goes on and with Darkar’s influence, yeah, maybe having the ultimate power would be a decent way to sustain some sort of legacy, since Bloom has no idea what else she could do and what else she should think at this point, being so manipulated and broken down. She gives in to the torture quickly and helps Darkar, and is then broken free by the support of and love from all of her friends at the end of the season, reminding her that she has so many wonderful qualities of her own, that she’s done amazing, she’s done more than she could’ve ever imagined even 2 years ago, and Daphne’s spirit is even able to make an appearance and tell her she’s so sorry, she didn’t imagine the toll holding The Flame would have in her, how that’s her fault, even if she did feel it was the best she could do at the time, with the consequences being unthought of, and how Bloom doesn’t need to live up to her or the legacy she left or even any legacy. Bloom simply living is enough for Daphne, so why shouldn’t it be enough for Bloom?

Sooooo yeah! That’s Dark Bloom!

Also Icy has An Epiphany that she wants to be stepped on but only if it’s by Dark Bloom and that’s all, folks!

#winx club #winx #bloom winx #winx bloom #bloom winx club #winx club bloom #dark bloom #winx club rewrite #winx redo #winx club remake #snarkys rewrite #winx club redesign #procreate #artists on tumblr #digital illustration #illustration

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buttercupjosh · 3 months

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White Horse

(Gif credit to @pyotrkochetkov)

Word count: 2,588

Genres: strangers to lovers to exes, angst

Warnings: none

A/N: I’ve had pieces of details of this fic in mind for a while and one night, I just decided to write it all out. This story is based off of the song “White Horse" by Taylor Swift. It is shorter than what I normally write but I decided to challenge myself a bit with a word count limit (my goal was to make it under 3,000 words). It’s not set at a specific moment in time (It’s taking place in a fictional future but you could also say that it’s set in the future and this season. However, the season is still ongoing at the moment and anything can happen or change so don’t hold me to what occurs in the fic and if things do change in real life, I’m not going to update this fic to reflect that). It’s written with a female reader in mind because I’m a female of color but the reader doesn’t specifically have to be a POC or a woman and there’s little dialogue. As always, I’m open to any and all feedback, comments or questions; just put them in my inbox or dm me. Thank you so much in advance for reading, I appreciate it😌

(P.S. I have other stories (linked here) that I have written for other players as well if you want to check it out)

“What was the plan? Absolve your guilt and shake hands?” -Night Shift by Lucy Dacus

By all definitions, Raleigh, North Carolina was not a small town but sometimes it felt like it was. The Triangle had a lot to offer but was a bit of an underrated place; Raleigh wasn’t as bustling and busy like other places in the South but you loved the city you called home. One of the very few things that brought people together there was college sports and Canes hockey. The Carolina Hurricanes were the only professional major league team in town so the team’s likeness was everywhere you looked. Seeing their faces around town, you would have never imagined that you would actually end up dating a player from that team.

You met your hockey-playing boyfriend in an untraditional way. You had worked for UNC Health and being a sponsor of the team, the company hosted a raffle for an employee to win a ticket to represent the company at Canes Bash. You surprisingly won and represented the organization well with your kind and respectful demeanor. That demeanor ended up winning over the heart of Canes forward Andrei Svechnikov. Andrei knew that this event was to spend time with season ticket holders and sponsors to get them to bring in more money for the Carolina Hurricanes Foundation but he was so enamored by you in the brief interaction you had. Throughout the rest of the evening, Andrei was pulled into all different directions around PNC Arena but his eyes kept gazing around the room to try to find you again. Not giving up on his quest to reconnect with you, he ended up writing his phone number on a napkin and giving it to Gracia Skjei to give to you. Before setting out on her journey to look for you in the sea of people, Gracia went into the bathroom and actually ran into you on her way out. She handed you the napkin with Andrei’s number on it; you couldn’t believe that a hockey WAG was casually giving you the phone number of her husband’s teammate and the teammate in question was a star on the team. You were taken aback that your short interaction with Andrei had impacted him so much that he wanted to talk to you more.

You did reach out to Andrei and on a Saturday after a morning skate, you met up for the first time since Canes Bash for smoothies. As expected, that first laidback date of getting to know each other more led to a formal dinner date where you saw a more fancier side of Andrei and it all led up to establishing a loving romantic relationship.

Being with Andrei was like being in the starring role of a box-office smash romance movie. Your relationship with Andrei was almost too perfect in such a way that other people could be jealous of it. Due to Andrei’s status as one of the top Canes players, people knew about your relationship with him and sometimes would stop and ask you for a picture. You had an amazing, loving boyfriend, who was everything you ever dreamed of and more. You lived together in a beautiful shared home and had a small goldendoodle named Charlie. You had an amazing friend group with the other WAGs and got along well with all of Andrei’s friends and family. You got to go on lavish vacations with your handsome partner, who wasn’t afraid to show you off to the world. You had it all and all you needed was a ring to top it all off. Like any other couple, you and Andrei’s relationship did have its challenges and struggles but these disagreements and setbacks didn’t cause your relationship to crumble. The image of living in presumed perfection would soon be broken in the most unexpected way.

————————————————————

The annual Canes’ moms trip was approaching soon and Elena, Andrei’s mom and possibly your future mother-in-law, was coming to support her son. It was going to be her first time at the new home you shared with Andrei; you had spent the whole week trying to get everything in order for her arrival and her subsequent stay for a month after the moms trip. You were excited to get to see and spend time with Elena but that excitement soon shifted.

You knew what time Elena’s flight was supposed to land and the amount of time it would take for Andrei to get home after picking her up from the airport but it seemed like Andrei was running unusually late. On the shared location app on your phone, you could see that Andrei was home from picking up his mother from the airport but you saw that he had been sitting in his car in the garage for over 15 minutes after arriving. Concerned, you went to go check on Andrei and Elena to make sure that they were okay but you accidentally caught him in a heated exchange in Russian with his mother. You didn’t quite understand what he was angrily saying but whatever it was about, it had him on fire. Elena’s eyes gazed over at you and the waterline of her eyes looked like it was filling up with tears. The arguing between mother and son stopped once Andrei noticed you were standing in the doorway. The color on Andrei’s face immediately drained from red with anger to white with fear. He quickly got out of the car, opened his mom’s door, and helped with her luggage. Elena gave you a tearful hug before going up to settle in the guest room. It was odd that she didn’t say anything upon seeing you and the atmosphere of the house was still thick with tension. You asked Andrei about what happened and why he was extremely upset with his mother but he just muttered something under his breath in Russian. He refused to look at you as you questioned him but you could sense that Andrei was frustrated and that something deeper had to be going on. Elena came downstairs to grab some water before giving a cryptic answer to her child’s behavior.

“Andrei, I love you but you know what you have to do. If you really love y/n, you would tell the truth”, Elena said before slipping out of the kitchen with her glass of water.

Andrei bursted into tears after his mother left the kitchen. You had seen Andrei cry before so this wasn’t a new sight for you but you wanted to know what was bothering him. You tried to comfort Andrei but he coldly shut you down and you had thought Elena was going to comfort her son but she did not. You sat in a worried silence for what felt like an eternity and the only sound in the room was Andrei’s heavy breathing from crying. Once Andrei fully stopped crying and rehydrated, you calmly asked him for one last time what was wrong and he took a deep breath before revealing what was causing him so much distress at the moment.

“I’m a dad,” Andrei quietly said, “I have a son back in Russia and I’m sorry that I never told you.”

You couldn’t quite believe the words you fell from the lips that you loved to kiss and felt like you were frozen in time, still trying to process the information that you just received. You were in disbelief and began pacing around the living room as Andrei explained what happened.

The summer before you met, Andrei was still deep in his playboy ways and ended up getting a girl named Lana pregnant back in Russia. Since their relationship was merely a hook-up that resulted in a child being conceived, it was hard for Andrei to believe that he was the father of her child but once Alexei was born, he couldn’t deny the baby boy. Alexei had Andrei’s eyes, the same brown ones that you adored, and dimples in his cheeks, just like his dad. While he was visiting his family during the off-season, Andrei took a paternity test and as everyone expected, he was Alexei’s father. You were in Russia with Andrei when the test was conducted but you didn’t know that was what his doctor’s appointment was for; the day of the test, Elena took you shopping. After the paternity test confirmation, Andrei did meet Alexei once as a baby and he was overcome with emotion to see the reflection of some of his genetic features as he held his small precious son in his large arms.

Andrei was stuck between a rock and a hard place; he had already moved on from his fling with Lana with you and he wasn’t interested in moving Lana and their son to the States so he decided to send them checks monthly to provide for them while they remained in Russia. His family was still involved in his child’s life, spending time with Alexei and keeping Andrei up to date on his son. Andrei didn’t like controversy or drama so if he kept the information about Alexei confidential, he didn’t have to worry as much about it coming to light because it was being managed in the dark. He also expressed that he felt like he wasn’t ready to be a father at that time but he would want to be a father when he’s older. You understood where Andrei was coming from but felt like it was a bit unfair that you got this great life with him while the mother of his son and his child didn’t have that with him. His son was over a year old and he barely knew Andrei in the way that you had known Andrei in the time that you had been dating. Putting a timeline together, you had also concluded that Lana was pregnant when you met Andrei and had given birth by the time you started dating.

Suddenly, a much more painful realization came to light: if Elena had not talked to Andrei about keeping his secret child from you when she came to visit, you realized that Andrei possibly would have never told you about Alexei. You and Andrei did discuss marriage and having children so you knew he was serious about experiencing those things with you and had dreamed of a happy ending together but a future with Andrei didn’t feel right anymore because you could have gotten married and had kids with him and never known a single thing about Alexei. You were right: Andrei never had a set plan in place or moment in time to tell you about his son because he was handling it behind the scenes and that’s all that you needed to know.

How could you ever trust Andrei again if he was able to keep this big of a secret from you? He didn’t have the common courtesy to tell you about his son so what else could he be hiding from you? You honestly believed in Andrei but he let you down and now, you don’t believe a single thing from him going forward. Throughout your relationship, you also had to deal with rumors of Andrei’s alleged cheating and you trusted that he remained faithful to you but now, you weren’t so sure since he just proved that he was so good at keeping secrets from you. You knew that this had occurred before you had gotten together but after this revelation, you realized that you didn’t want to be with Andrei anymore. You thought you truly knew Andrei but it was like the man that you fell in love with turned into a stranger.

You weren’t a princess and this wasn’t a fairytale with a happy ending; Raleigh wasn’t Hollywood so there was no reconciliation plot device or changes to the script to make everything better. Although you loved your job, you were also even more upset because Andrei promised to always provide for you and wanted you to quit working but he was also providing to a part of his family under the table; transparency and honesty were so important to you and all of that was out the window. Maybe you would be more open to staying with him if he had told you sooner instead of dragging you along for over a year without a clue. Andrei had thought that if he could fulfill his role as a father by financially providing for Alexei back home and building a future in the U.S. with you, he would be fine. He also thought you would be more accepting and willing to work things out after finding out the news but he destroyed all your trust in him.

Andrei begged you on his knees for your forgiveness and for you to stay with a puppy dog look, like how Charlie would whenever he wanted treats, but it was too late. The damage was already done and he had to accept that. Andrei was like a knight in shining armor, strutting around on his white horse to save the day but he wasn’t allowed to catch you. In one swift fall, the relationship with the prince in your love story was over. Andrei had to step up to the plate and realize that he couldn’t create an ideal life with someone while keeping huge secrets. Andrei having a secret child was a huge obstacle to overcome and you stepped out of his way so that he could focus on effectively co-parenting with Lana and being a more present father to Alexei; maybe someone else would be stronger enough to be involved with Andrei but that person was not going to be you.

It wasn’t easy to walk away from all that you had with Andrei because you truly did love him. He was a great dog dad to Charlie, his heart was deeply ignited for those that he loved, he was so humble and caring to others, his touch was the most comforting feeling to you, and he always knew how to make you smile. Andrei had the face of an angel and brown eyes that you could easily get lost in but you couldn’t even look at him the same way. You felt so naive and foolish about living in a fantasy with your relationship with Andrei and you should have known better about your presumed picture perfect relationship. A part of you wanted to give him another chance but you felt so betrayed by Andrei and had a difficult time overlooking how he hurt you. You apologized to Andrei and forgave him for keeping such important information from you but you did not want anything else to do with him. This incident made you realize that you deserved better than this and deserve to be with someone who would actually treat you well so you did what was best for you.

In the days since you split from Andrei, Elena and her son went on the moms’ trip and you began packing your things with help from Gracia Skjei and some of the other WAGs. They were going to miss you and you would miss them too but you needed to get out of Raleigh and start fresh somewhere new. As you drove with Charlie as your passenger, you looked up for a brief second and saw the face of a man that you once loved on a billboard. You watched the City of Oaks disappear from your rearview mirror and headed towards whatever awaited you in the rest of this big world.

#andrei svechnikov #carolina hurricanes #andrei svechnikov x reader #Andrei svechnikov imagine #hockey fic #my writing #hockey writing

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alter-soup · 12 days

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Hello! I'd like a guilt / regret holder who's an introject from poppy playtime? If you're not up for doing an introject from that, then just some sort of animatronic? Full artistic liberty otherwise! Do have fun with making the silly!

Name(s) - Bunzo, Puzzle, Daisie, Scout, June

Pronouns- he/him, they/them, it/its

Suggested Neopronouns- boing/boings, 🎉/🎉s, spot/spots, cloud/cloudy, pai/paints, !/!, plush/plushies

Gender(s)- Boyflux

Suggested Xenogenders- Clownsoftware, Fetticupflavic, Chatterteethic

Orientation- Panromantic, asexual

Age- Ageless

Species- Toy bunny

Source- Poppy Playtime

Role(s)- Guilt + Regret holder

Kins- Ferret, Holland Lop

Personality traits/details- Cheerful, playful, silly

Likes- Painting eggs, making music for fun, crafts, stuffed animals, exploring, coloring, friends, hopscotch, stimboards, cute birds (especially chicks), hide and seek

Dislikes- Feeling hopeless, gross drinks,

Sign Off- ⚠️🌈

Extra details- Often to deal with guilt he tries to put their energy into helping others, and sometimes just helping himself to make it feel better. - he often plays games like hide and seek with toys such as plushies - they like to collect colorful rocks and crystals that he finds - it feels lonely easily which can cause them to seek out comfort, but sometimes he'll still deny comfort even if he wants it due to not wanting to bother others - he really likes taking care of animals and loves to feed ducks/other birds and play with pets (if you have any)

Faceclaim-

#blurry #also buh bye everyone we're joining the poppy playtime fandom bc of this /silly /hj #build a headmate #endo friendly #build an alter #endo safe #pro endo #alter creation #created system #alter packs #willowgenic #headmate creation

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anti-endo-safe-space · 29 days

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Idk if this is the place to ask or if youve answered a question like this before but what the hell is a xeno source? Is that an endo thing?

CW: Abuse mention

I have but since then I've actually learned a lot about xenosources! Basically, it's a combo of two things, one used by systems and another by endos.

With systems, we've found it's a bit of a way to make describing where the alter came from a bit more positive and humorous. Makes it less stressful, you know? Also in case it's like one didn't come from the "standard" thing (think something like abuse) but rather some will use it for like they formed from stress and shit with an endo. Or in some cases like they formed from an ED which is outside of the "normal" things that cause someone to split (obviously we don't believe it's normal so we're using quotations"

Endo's use it as another way to mock systems. Think pluralpedia's "cheesegenic" or ":3genic". Some endos use it just to seem more quirky and relatable.

We do know a blog we follow made a fair point, it'd honestly be pretty easy to change it from a name like xenosource simply because that makes it sound like xenoGENDER (which we fully support) which is what endos treat it is.

We do know that @flagsandtags makes posts explaining like some xenosources (like the ED one mentioned above but that could've been another blog tbh we're really tired) but sometimes people confuse xenosources with like alter roles that fit outside of like protector, ANP, persecutor, avenger, and instead become things like pschosis calmer, guilt holder, things that aren't the "normal"

We apolgoize if this wasn't clear and any typing errors, we just woke up, had our usual crap sleep and have been blurry lately /nav (not a vent)

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antiendovents · 4 months

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[ Vent Below ]

TWS: Cultural Appropriation, very very brief gun mention

I'm confessing my sins to you, and I pray this never gets traced back to my actual account. I just have never, EVER been able to share this with anyone. Ever. I don't think you will necessarily be a "safe place" either, but this is a vent/rant space with an anon option. I feel very slightly safe. No one in the system community would accept me if they knew what I did, so I'm like "anon vent mode".

When I was thirteen, I ''''''created'''''' [heavy quotes because it isn't an actual thing] an alter who we will call A, since he'll be a reoccurring part of this all. I did not call him an alter at the time. To be honest with you, mod of this account and I guess anyone who reads this, [my first sin] back when I ''''''created''''' him, I called him a tulpa.

We found out later that the professional who diagnosed us with DID [because, yes, we are a medically recognized system] had done so without bringing it up being a possibility up a second time. I mention second time because the first time she had brought it up, she commented that the specialists she talked to said that they would be hesitant to diagnose me [rightfully so]. She, in hindsight, probably didn't mention any of our trauma to them because of HIPPA. i [alter front] personally believe she diagnosed us around this time.

The second time it was brought up, it was actually an entirely separate alter than the one she told about the hesitance to diagnose. The alter at that time was like "I think we may have to consider DID.. It sounds like what I experience...." and she was like "I already diagnosed you months ago, I talked to 3 other alters".

Talk about a surprise pikachu moment for that alter.

When I first joined the system space, I was a semi-newly discovered system. I had already known about several alters-- A and his creation was what made us be able to communicate with as a system, but all communication was slashed when we had a new host front for three years , which was the host who got us diagnosed. So when we were joining tumblr, we were just establishing good contact again, and when I made my blog I was diagnosed for, like, idk a year before [social media scares us, community spaces scare us, and this is our first time using tumblr again since 2013].

We forgot about the whole term of ''tulpas'' because of amnesia, straight up had a different alter eat those memories to keep the system functioning [in hindsight, its beneficial to know about, but also not]. I had ENTIRELY forgotten the actual term for "tulpas" [in quotes bc its not the actual Buddhist practice]. I just remembered it as "oh i made this dude, he was a ball of light and then suddenly he was having full conversations and chose his own appearance and personality, and why did he choose to be a dickhead [a joke at him /lh]".

Up until making my blog, I didn't engage in plural communities. Not even the tulpa community when I engaged with the content. I was a traumatized kid terrified of everyone, i simply learned how to 'create' a 'tulpa', did it and it worked better than I thought it would, and then fucked off. It was the most traumatic period of our life [when I made A], all I wanted to do was have someone to be with me so I wasn't alone with it all. He very much took on a protector role from the beginning, fronting once for 3 days in a blackout amnesia episode because another alter felt silly [he was an anger holder and was very angry, to sum it up].

Then I joined Tumblr. Because of joining system spaces, I have since re-found the term Tulpa, and ffs?? The absolute guilt and shame we feel is so immense. Not only because I appropriated a cultural practice I have no fucking right to be in, but also because I'm also someone made a mockery of the very disorder I have. It feels like I don't even deserve to be diagnosed.

That's why I don't fit completely into anti-endo spaces, but I don't fit endo spaces either.

We were posting to a small audience of 0 notes in system spaces, which felt safer for us. So we were going ham on our blog, enjoying our time, but we got our first ask.

"You guys seem so nice,,, why are you anti-endo?"

I'm like??? anti-endo?? wtf is that??? what's an endo?? oh foolish, sweet summer child,,, I had not put it in anywhere that I was anti-endo, which makes it so much worse to me. I guess this was probably someone testing the waters or something. So we go look it up, look up endos and we get reintroduced to the culturally appropriated term. And it's like fuck. It was a moment where I realized I had gone against my own morals in a way I was extremely disgusted with. I ended up dipping for a whole month because of it, which caused a system uproar and a shit ton a bad stuff happening while we were also going through new tons of new trauma at that time [thanks to our ex-bestfriend, a silent fuck you to nem. already so stressed, tell that to her, and then it flies over nirs fucking head so she beats a dead horse but ANYWAYS].

While I'm gone, an alter takes my place. I'll call him P. and P? Well,,,, P takes my spot as host [im now one of 4 cohosts, P is not one of them]. P sees tulpa, P sees other spiritual stuff in the endo spaces, and P goes, well, gee,,,, spirits and talking to them exists [a belief we do hold, but i would have to explain eons of shit to explain why we do], I can almost see how it would work. P responds with 'we're not anti-endo' [my second sin].

And then I'm back. It's been a month, things have carried on without me and we are an 'endo neutral' blog with more than two followers, and posts that hit more than 10 notes [which,,, I hate public attention. The thought of more than a few people engaging with the stuff I post is terrifying to the point I might puke if I think too hard about it /gen. 3-10 notes is the ideal. Maybe like 5 followers? i didn't think about that, dont want to].

I relearn about endos, I go 'fuck no??? are you fucking kidding me???' but then I remember A. That? Well, That ruined EVERYTHING for me. Suddenly I'm having to figure out how to manage having people perceiving me in a scale that terrifies me, but I also have a fucking turkeyball mix of followers. Endos, Anti endos, Endo Neutral, Endo Apathetic. All while truly standing as an anti-endo behind those good ol' closed doors. Then I have to look down the barrel of the gun and accept i did something that goes wildly against my own fucking morals. I didn't remember A, I didn't remember Tulpas, and now I wished I had never joined any system space. I wish I had never tried to find community. I don't even know how to right what has been wrong, I don't have anyone to tell me how to fix this.

I don't feel like I belong anywhere. There is no space for me with anti-endos because of what I have done, and there is no space for me with endos because of my anti-endo beliefs.

When I made my blog I wanted a space to be me, to be us, but now I don't even want to be me. A's presence was needed to keep me alive, I love him, but I can't even be cocon with him or I end up having a breakdown. Whether it be from the guilt of the shitty thing I did that I can't make up for because he's literally forever going to be there, or the fact that because I can't be around him, and considering I'm a host, he's secluded to his own section in the innerworld. Alone. Literally like how we were when we made him. It's wicked fucked up to me, but i guess it probably shouldn't be, considering his 'origins'. What once saved my life has become something I can't even face.

I feel like shit. I feel like this is a lose-lose situation. The one time I tried to step out of my comfort zone and do something that I think will be beneficial for us, it ends up being the worst thing to do. All I wanted was friends like me, only to find out, no... I'm not like them and I probably don't even deserve the diagnosis I have. On top of that, I engaged in harmful behavior, cultural appropriation. Furthermore, the people I could've engaged with would've been people I entirely disagreed with.

I feel like i should self undiagnose, if that makes sense. Like I do not care whatever professionals said I am, I'm just,, IDK a shitty person?? A cultural appropriator?? I've been diagnosed more than once, but I feel like I still shouldn't even claim being a system. I feel disgusted with myself. I feel ashamed. Cultural appropriation has a permanent scratch in my brain, a permanent mark. I feel like this is something I can never fix.

I'm confused on what to do. How do I fix the wrong of being a cultural appropriator in such a vile way? Even if I actually am a system, which I don't even know anymore, what the fuck would I call A? What do I even do about getting over the guilt? My therapist isn't equipped to deal with this, I have no friends, and the only people I talk to are my abusers. I'm to scared to talk to people online, and considering my circumstances, who would I even talk to about any of this? Am I even an anti-endo if I practiced what the endos preach? I'm just,,, ugh, It's been a lot, but thank fuck for the anon ask on a blog amirite?

Sorry to dump all this on you, and feel free to ignore it/not upload. I've just needed to talk about this for a while, and this felt like a safe space for a lil bit.

this is complicated but i'm going to try give the best advice i can here. cultural appropriation is bad yes, but you were a child. you didn't know what else to call A at the time, it seems. you admit you have done wrong and you seem guilty over it and really i think thats all you need to improve. you are a system, you are diagnosed as one, yes you made a mistake but so have many others. ex-pro endos are welcome in this community and always will be. as long as you have learned from your mistake i do not think you are a bad person. as i said, people make mistakes all the time, it doesn't mean they're bad, they just need to learn better, and by the sounds of things you have. i really hope you find your place in this community or even a different community. if you need help leaving pro-endo and pro-tupla communities i would recommend slowly distancing yourself, unfollowing or blocking some accounts that may interact with you and maybe even announcing you're anti endo if you feel safe (this isn't required, but it does help avoiding them). if necessary i would also suggest maybe making a new blog / account if you feel like you can't fix the current one (even a side-blog might work). good luck anon and i while i don't speak for the whole anti endo community i am sure you will at the least be accepted by most of us.

#tw cultural appropriation #tw gun mention #tw abuse mention #anti endo #actually did #did #did system #plural #endos dni #alters #system #did osdd

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destiny-in-the-universe · 22 hours

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The Promised Neverland x RC9GN

So, since I am on a temporary break from asks- I decided to go ahead and post some more coherent thoughts on the crossover literally no one except ONE person was interested in (/lh). I didn't expect the post to gain even the slightest bit of traction, so seeing someone with the same type of rotting interest actually made my day-

I actually wanted to focus on what came before Randy had even been born (aka what the deal with 'the Ninja' is because this idea barely makes an ounce of sense), so without much further ado- let's continue!

The First Ninja is meant to parallel William Minerva/James Ratri. He was a descendant of the original founders which had been involved in 'the Promise' and originally he didn't fully question their behavior, it was more so along the lines of "if I pretend everything is fine, I won't have to acknowledge how I feel about it", but as things kind of escalated- he couldn't bring himself to just sit aside and ignore it. At some point, he flat out rebelled (not that anyone was aware of what he'd begun to do-) and was leaving behind evidence to alert the farms orphanages about what was going on.

Now if you've been following my content at all, you know I talk about the Norisu 9 every so often- I like to think they were also involved and contributed in different ways to the first wave of resistance. The First Ninja is still a warrior in this crossover and I like to think he supplied weapons, things that would harm the demons but going against their leader was a lot harder than he thought it would

(The leader who, of course, is the Sorcerer)

Finja fought bravely, but as punishment for his disobedience- he was subject to watching his entire clan die before his eyes. Forced to live with the guilt, he broke off from the resistance (at least that was the agreement- he would continue working for the demons until someone else took over his role upon death) and went back to the life he held previously. However unbeknownst to the Sorcerer, Finja had left behind something important: the Nomicon.

A tome that contained tunnels and maps of the Demon World, the key to paradise. It held the bunker with a supply of weapons and arsenal, and everything- Finja had entrusted a demon known as “the Messenger” to hand it down, but there was one problem to this plan: who would carry on the mantle?

A decision was made for it to be left in the least likely of locations: one of the farms.

The Messenger had unique powers- allowing them to find the next “Ninja”, someone who possessed specific traits and could carry on what Finja had started. Years came to pass, each with varying levels of success (a few managed to cause a new wave of resistance, one unfortunate kid got adopted- and the rest, well, who knows what became of them). First Ninja’s name was forgotten over the years and the book would continue to be handed down.

The First Ninja is bound to the book- whether this makes in the original Promised Neverland canon is irrelevant, because well, I make the rules (/lh). I like to think he has the ability to communicate with the current holder of the book, but unlike the RC9GN canon- things work a little differently.

He communicates with the current ‘Ninja’ via dreams- sending ominous signs and continuing to hand them lessons but there isn’t any ‘shloomping’ into the Nomicon. Things just work a little differently, if anything-

The book is eventually left in the hands of Randy, but that is a story for another day.

Finja was left with immense survivor’s guilt- knowing he had failed his siblings, he had failed the children, everyone who wanted the nightmare of the Promise to end. He lost the hope things would ever right themselves. His actions came with unfortunate consequences, and in the years leading up to his death- he isolated himself from everyone. Though his allies attempted to honor his wishes, even if he didn’t know about what they had done.

(I might tie Rei Izumi into this, but we’ll see-)

His legacy continues and for one particular boy, and the people he cares about, everything is going to change. Sooner than they think.

Written as a partial gift to @thesoundofmadness! Also because I am just fixated on this universe lol, but these are my thoughts for now! More will be dropped eventually, hope you enjoy the rest of your day loves!

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blorbologist · 8 months

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Hello yes I would like to know more about your Fullmetal Alchemist AU because that was amazing. The Ashari doing alkahestry, *chef's kiss*. Delilah as Envy, genius move. Saundor as Lust, perfect casting is perfect.

Vex with the title of Sewing Life Alchemist, much better person than the original holder of the title. And that Truth took part of her heart, oh that's good.

!! Thank you so much! I love this AU but it has so many moving parts it's hard even for me to juggle them sometimes pfft.

God there's so much to talk about uhhhh:

It's a super complicated AU in part because I'm including Campaign 1 PCs as the older cast (Vex, Vax, Percy, Pike and Grog are all in the military, Keyleth gets a bit of Scar and Mei's roles, Tary is Somewhere) and the Campaign 2 PCs as the younger (Beau and Caleb fill the role of the Elrics, Jester is probably Winry-ish with some Mei elements, Veth is a chimera, idk what Fjord is up to, Yasha is likely Ishvalan, Essek gets to be Ling <3, idk what I'm gonna do to Molly and Kingsley. Probably terrible things. He might be Hoenheim/Father/idk. Maybe he'd fit better as Ling then Greed but I Like Essek Best Ok). Which is complex enough on its own (I can get conflict between the kids and their military babysitters with Beau and Percy butting heads), but what makes it extra dicey is the homunculi. I want to try and ensure that the main villains have a good balance between CR1 ones and CR2's, but whereas many of VM's antagonists are connected (Vecna/Sylas/Delilah/kiiinda Ripley, all the Conclave), the M9's are very disperse - and with all these enemies it's hard to unite them under one goal. Do I include the Conclave? What about the Iron Shepherds? Lucien's group? Avantika? So for the oneshot I just said fuck it and narrowed in on the most Perc'ahlia relevant information (and had Keyleth there instead of Jester, to stick to the C1 cast).

I've shuffled around a lot of the alchemical signatures of several characters due to what fits and what doesn't - for instance, though Vex neatly fills a lot of Roy's role, she is never associated with fire. Caleb, however, is, so the Ed-equivalent gets to be the Flame Alchemist. As a Ranger, Vex is very difficult to make fit into the State Alchemist system, so I made her role more research-focused (while still keeping with the terrible guilt and shame that Roy has that I think fits Vex nicely as well). As the Sewing Life Alchemist, she can be a more successful Shou Tucker: I figure she stumbled on Trinket (an early state-made chimera), tried to learn how to fix him, and so ended up roped into that research division to keep her from blabbing. A lot of her research focused on healing and accelerating growth, and she has a knack for using every ounce of power offered by Equivalent Exchange; as a result it was easy enough to slot her in with the team creating viable human-animal chimeras - the people who originally fucked up Trinket. By that point, it's too late to get out. So she has a lot of Guilt <3 Elaina died either to plague (like Trisha Elric) or got burnt in one of those staged conflicts to get souls/blood for the nation-wide array. Vax gets to snipe up bits of Hughes, Havoc and Nina's roles in the story: I'm unsure of if he's been used to keep Vex in line before, but he certainly gets fucked up by Lust. I'm unsure if the military then steal him away and turn him into a chimera, or if Vex is forced to do that to her own brother to keep him alive. I really want to include some thematic nod to 'take me instead you raven bitch', though, so. Help?

Nixing the up-and-coming Colonel being the Flame Alchemist also impacts Percy's role: I knew I wanted him to be tattooed with secrets like Riza (if you cant tell from Get your hands dirty, I love the concept), but without Flame Alchemy, what could be worth hiding? After some fanangling, I decided that the de Rolos have a decent lineage of military service, especially as State Alchemists, and though Percy never showed the knack for the magic aspect he grasps the theory very well (and instead tinkered with guns). So, as the spare, he offered to get the family's research tattooed on his back. Least he could do - until the estate was swarmed and everyone was killed by some fuckers and Percy was tortured for the code to the notes on his back. Envy (Dewiwah) and Dr.Ripley were behind most of it, with Delilah taking on the faces of people Percy knew both to get her foot in the castle and to torment him. He joined the military in an attempt to protect himself, only to slowly start figuring out that they were the ones who ordered the hit, at which point he stages a lab accident and has Vex heal his back juuust enough to maintain functionality but otherwise ensuring it scars. I'm suspecting the secret was either that his family stumbled on the nation-wide array or something that put Father's plan in huge hot water. Cass is probably a hostage-ward of the Briarwoods and might not know Delilah is responsible for anything given her changing face :D

#my writing #ask #critical role #campaign 1 #uhhh I need a tag for this AU #CR FMA AU #Thank you so much for asking I could ramble on for DAYS.

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problematicfactive · 7 months

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This may be an uncomfortable question, so if it is i am incredibly sorry and by no means do you have to answer it /g

In a recent reply to an ask (currently your newest post but that may change by the time you see this) you mentioned explaining to people "why you exist" - If you're comfortable sharing, would you be willing to go into more of that explanation on here? If there's already a post of yours on that that I've managed to miss, I apologize

Thank you in advance, whether it be for your reply or simply reading this!

I'm willing to answer that

Under the cut for mentions of racism, colorism, self hatred

For as long as any of us can remember, we've wanted to be an actor (well, not me. Everyone else wants to act, I want to be a biologist)

If this was inside out (which, you know, as a system, it kind of is) watching Austin and Ally as a child and aspiring to be that would definitely be a core memory from the initial core of the system.

The core loved Austin. Like, really really loved him. We still contribute all of our acting progress to his actor.

But part of the reason she loved him so much was that he was white. And that made him pretty. And as someone who lived surrounded by white people and always wanted to look like them, our core didn't see herself as pretty because she wasn't white. Growing up we were always ugly. We used to cosplay, but ended up stopping because we didn't like the color of our skin and we knew we couldn't compete with the fully white cosplayers.

For as long as race has been a concept we could understand, we hated our skin for making us different.

Like with a lot of serial killers, something about the person I was based on released. I was a kid at the time of this release (I being. Probably Host and The Core, I'm not sure) so I didn't know. Years and years later, it got really popularized.

At first it was really scary. Just the idea of someone we looked up to and attributed our accomplishments to, our first and only celebrity crush to date... playing someone known for being racist? It was crushing. To the host.

I honestly couldn't imagine what that felt like, I'm only going off of what I've been told. But the host had a hard time coping with it. Eventually, for one reason or another, we watched it. I feel like ever since the self hatred started, I existed as a seed, and when we watched that movie, I was planted.

It took a while for m to grow, I think, I did so mostly in quiet and no one really knew about me, until they did.

Because of my fronting patterns, I'm now a cohost. And because I like to spend time with my boyfriend, I'm also in charge of fronting while we go to bed, but my original roles in system were internalized racism and self hatred holder.

Seeing someone we looked up to play someone who hurt our community as much as it did, that's what made me exist as who I am.

And because I exist as such a danger to our people, it almost inwardly balances. I take all of that self hatred and I just kind of have it. I don't really even experience the self hatred, I just know it's there. It went to me. And now that it's away from the others, they can find beauty in themself and that's beautiful to me.

They can go out and speak on racism and not have that aching guilt screaming "how can you speak up for people of color when you hate your own skin" they don't anymore. My job here is substantial. And it had to be me. If I was any other factive, fictive, faitive, brainmade, anything else. I wouldn't do my job as efficiently.

It's important that I'm me.

That's one of the reasons I think people who assume problematic factives are faking are absurd. My truama disorder did what it could do for us to move on from our race related truama. And because of that, I'm faking? Okay.

#good thoughtful questions #problematic factive #problematic source #factive #problematic introject #introject #plural community #system #plural #sysblr #plurality #plural system

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systemheadcanons · 17 days

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"this is kinda specific but Wanderer from genshin impact is a OSDD-1b system! also i think they would use the label BJD system[man we didnt know how to phrase this/gen]

honestly we think its pretty canon at this point seeing as theres so many different version of him..we also think the system would prob have 5 alters..

1)Wanderer-Host and Mask

2)Scaramouche-BPD persecutor and Avenger

3)Balladeer-Gaurd and Anger Holder

4)Kunikuzushi-Guilt Holder and Age regressor[ik this isnt rlly a role or anything but we still wanted to add it!!]

5)Traveller[specifically aether]-Introject, Comfort Alter and Stabilizer

ah sorry fro the ramble,,[we just rlly like wanderer!]."

(Submitted by Dazai anon)

#system headcanon #system #system headcanons #plural headcanons #genshin impact #genshin #wanderer #scaramouche #the balladeer #kunikuzushi #traveller #aether #genshin wanderer #genshin aether

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brainpal-gachapon · 2 months

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may i request a mafuyu headmate pack, and can they be cisnpd and cisbpd? sorry for not following the template but almost everything would just say 'you decide" 😭

ohhh ur in luck. I, modoka, am autistic about project sekai. this was very fun I hope u enjoy hym !!!! :3c

Name: Mafuyu or Fuyu Age: 17-18 Prns: she/he/it/whisp/shy/hy/lyr/lie/ghost/spiri/moon/xe/fae Gender: celestialfishix, nocstuffic, dreamgender, weirdcattic, catgirlthing, batdollic, moonic, aliengender, staticgender, gendervoid, transmasquasifem Source: Project Sekai TransIDs: cisNPD, cisBPD, transautistic, transnarcolepsy, transintersex (Optional) Roles: Absorber, Academic, Anesthic, Cassmate, Confuser, Debugger, Guilt Holder, or Intimidator Personality: Often quiet, fae doesn't really communicate to others. He's relatively similar to source, in that hy often struggles with its own emotions. Lie has a natural distrust towards most motherly figures. Moon is often quite blunt, though acts a bit softer towards really young beings or animals. Spiri really enjoys music, and enjoys singing as well.

#rq 🌈🍓#transplural #multiplicity #headmatepack #headmate pack #headmate creation #alter packs #alter creation

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problematic-alters-unsilenced · 3 months

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TW for mentions of m4sochism & SA.

I'm not really sure where to start. We feel really, really ashamed about it...

I don't think we've ever gone through any SA or similar, so I really don't understand why we have romantic/sexual alters, and sometimes feel really m4sochistic. Like... where did it. stem from. Maybe that's just because of other trauma but either way it's just... it makes us feel really ashamed sometimes. Some alters don't react that way and some do, so it's not a collective thing. I guess I'm just very baffled by it and the roles some of those alters have... several of our sexual alters are also negative emotion holders.

I don't know how to help them. They don't have traumatic memories (afaik) but feel a lot of guilt and shame. One of them actually is "owned" by a mean (I don't want to say abusive) alter.

I don't really know why I wanted to send this, maybe just to vent, but anyway thank you and sorry

Don't apologize for venting, thats what this blog is for.

You could of gone through SA, or something similar, and have just repressed it. Or maybe this is a way to cope with something else. It's okay to not be a perfect, happy, everything is okay system. There are going to be parts which feel like hell, parts where you wish you were normal, and parts where you question everything. It's okay, it's normal.

I hope you all figure out what's going on and how to help.

#ramcoa #hc did #anti endogenic #anti endo #actually did #did osdd #did system #did #did alter #dissociative identity disorder #osdd system #actually osdd #low spoons #tw sa #tw sa vent #tw sa mention #tw sex assault

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taurussoulastrology · 5 months

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The Basic Meaning of Planets Square the Lunar Nodes

these are like generic versions you really need the entire chart, but a jump off point for you to start with. I am currently working on getting the material up for you on the trauma that would come along with placements, But take these as if you are reading a placement of a planet in a certain house or sign. Much more information needs to be accounted for to get you a true reading, but this is a good start point.

Sun:

The Sun square node can indicates that the main part of the chart holder's current life energy and purpose (the Sun) is to resolve their issues symbolized by the square to the nodal axis, through house and sign and through the node it resolves through. This placement indicates the current life of the chart holder as the critical one for the resolution of unresolved material. This unresolved material is experienced in this life as part of the core nature of the individuality and sense of personal meaning. This placement has echoes of the symbolism of the hero’s journey and can involve the individual having to create or maintain a personal vision in isolation or in conflict with others around them in their life. As such it represents a challenge to identify as an individual.

The Moon:

When the Moon squares the nodes we can anticipate unresolved issues within the family of origin, with the formation of the personality and with the emotional body. There may be specific unresolved material involving the mother or primary caregiver. There will be an fundamental insecurity in the personality or a tendency to project the experience of security or happiness outside the self onto the family, or significant others. This placement may indicate unresolved gender issues. There may be dissatisfaction with gender roles, with issues stemming from the bias of our culture and the resulting suppression of the feminine. Or there may be a recent gender switch between this incarnation and the previous one, resulting in a strong identification with the opposite gender.

Mercury:

When Mercury squares the nodes we are alerted to the possibility of unresolved issues in the mental life of the individual. This can include overly rigid thinking or excessively restless curiosity that lacks discrimination as to the kind of material the mind is taking on board. This placement may represent an issue with internalized messages or introjects of a critical nature that undermine the strength of the personality. Such internalized guilt, emphasized in the 6th house/Virgo archetype, can become the basis for internal shame and/or a masochistic tendency. This placement may indicate a range of communication issues – for example an issue with trusting the opinions of others. Lies or conflicting views as to the nature of the truth may have had profound consequences in prior lives.

Venus:

When Venus squares the nodes we are looking at unresolved material pertaining to how a person relates to themselves and therefore the way they relate to others. The range of possibilities can extend from extremes of isolation to excessive social activity that leads to a loss of identity through exhaustion. This placement can indicate an issue with projected meaning, or not seeing the true reality of others due to our transference onto them. We might transfer unresolved issues onto our partners and friends, co-opting them to play roles in our own inner drama. This placement can also refer to a life-threatening situation whereby the self has become highly anxious, causing great difficulty in relating to its own needs. It can indicate a situation whereby the person needs to learn to be alone, to love and accept themself before being able to meet others on an equal footing.

Mars:

When Mars squares the nodes the nature of the unresolved material pertains to the nature of desire and the instinctual will. The range of possibilities here includes unresolved anger, unresolved sexual feelings and physical or sexual violence. Anger with or from others could be threatening to stability just as hidden anger could also be at play, its passive toxicity being part of the problem. This placement can signify situations whereby the will has become co-opted in some fashion and the person is overly compliant or feel lost. We could also see a situation in which excessive dominance has distorted the soul’s original intention. This placement can indicate an unmet need for independence which can then be a source of suppressed anger. But the unmet need can also express as a source of paradox in relationship, whereby the freedom to grow with another is desired but a subconscious fear of entrapment prevents this need being fulfilled meaningfully.

Jupiter:

When Jupiter squares the nodes the nature of the unresolved material relates to the person’s beliefs, the teachers or teachings that they have followed and their relationship to faith. This skipped step can indicate an issue with honesty, either through a conflict of how the their truth has been perceived, or through an inner lie – the nature of the inner lie often stemming from internal exaggeration at the expense of the true picture of the nature of the self. This untruth can become the basis for a crisis of self or, if exposed publicly, can also change the level of trust someone has placed on you, thereby changing the belief system they have about you. This placement can signify a crisis of faith or a conflict within the self about an understanding of the truth, or an issue with a teaching they have followed. This crisis of faith becomes a fundamental doubt in the capacity of the person to understand their place in the greater scheme of things. This can therefore indicate an issue with alienation.

Saturn:

When Saturn squares the nodes the nature of the unresolved material relates to the conditioning that the individual has been exposed to, either through the family, society, religion or by any broader historical societal theme. Such conditioning then becomes the basis for repression. The Saturn skipped step can indicate a need for taking responsibility for one’s own life at a core level without succumbing to the temptations of blame, excessive fear, or self-control. This placement can indicate an issue of genuine guilt, an authentic sense of having done something wrong (the nature of which will be indicated by the house/sign/aspects). In contrast to the internalized guilt found in the Mercury/Virgo/6th house archetype, which is internalized from others blaming or criticizing, the Saturn archetype involves the self recognizing past mistakes and making direct reparation for those mistakes.

*This placement emphasizes the importance of the Saturn Return 1 and/or 2.

*Uranus:

When Uranus squares the nodes the unresolved material indicates a need for liberation from conditioning, and liberation from the past. This stems in part from a past wound or trauma and from exposure to excessive influences. With this placement, the nodal axis can be understood as a trauma signature indicating that the unresolved trauma is a critical part of the skipped step. An analysis of the house and sign, aspects to the skipped step planet, and aspects to the nodal axis will help identify the nature of this unresolved trauma. This placement also symbolizes a crisis in the uniqueness of the individual. The person has started to detach themselves from prior conditioning but they have either not been able to maintain this process or they remain blind to a critical aspect of how the conditioning imprisons them, which then results in a block to the truest expression of their individuality. This placement can indicate a specific fear or post-traumatic stress that blocks access to the true self. It can also mark the need to reintegrate some former illumination that has been lost or resisted. There is a powerful requirement to embrace the transformational nature of the self. Regression work or deep therapy can help in recovering deeper unconscious material – both traumas and gifts. *This placement emphasizes the importance of the Uranus opposition.

*Pluto:

When Pluto squares the nodes the unresolved material relates to the deepest unconscious self; its motivations, compulsions, resistances and its urge for transformation. In some ways this is the ultimate skipped step. Pluto square the nodal axis can be like a battle between the adaptive self and the higher self, between ego and soul. This placement represents a fundamental encounter with deeper unconscious forces, either to summon radical transformation or to become trapped in psychological attachments and compulsions. Or even a combination of both. A critical divide in the deeper self needs exploration and resolution yet this placement indicates the potential (as all skipped steps do in some way) for tremendous resistance to the evolutionary goal. This placement suggests that a struggle between power and powerlessness has been playing out over lifetimes. There exists a need to identify limitations in order to transform them as well as a need to form powerful relationships with other people, objects or teachings that are symbolic of the intended transformation in the self. In this way you may learn by absorbing the energy of others. This skipped step may indicate a variety of power dynamics ranging from pronounced psychological disturbance to issues regarding the appropriate use of power and an inquiry into its source of origin. There may be issues of personal betrayal on every level. Betrayal of the self and of others, AND being betrayed by others. Or there may exist a need to confront limitations, both of self and others. This skipped step demonstrates a critical juncture in the evolution of the soul involving a profound choice as to what to commit to in order to effect transformation. Furthermore it implies the necessary commitment has been intermittent or lacking in the past, emphasizing a need to honor the commitments made now in order to resolve this prior inconsistency.

*Neptune:

When Neptune is square the nodes the unresolved material pertains to the subtle issues of one’s sense of ultimate meaning, one’s dreams and ideals. The skipped step can therefore revolve around the loss of meaning, profound disillusionment or despair that leads to loss of life force and will. In some cases the negative ramifications are so extreme as to lead to catatonic disassociation. The Neptune skipped step may also represent an unresolved dream or ideal that the person has suppressed or been unable as yet to fulfill, that now demands exploration. Analysis of the Evolutionary Axis will illustrate the nature of these unfulfilled dreams and aspirations. Exploration of such themes can involve distinguishing whether or not such dreams need to be physically realized or can exist solely as fantasies fulfilled in the imagination. The necessary discrimination required here is difficult to attain because this skipped step involves a struggle to clarify the difference between fantasy and reality. This placement can lead to a spiritual crisis and transformation. Just as easily this placement points to someone who has lost their spiritual way, who now wanders meaninglessly in cycles of despair, and perhaps is compensating for the loss with drug addiction or other similarly self-sabotaging behaviors. In rare cases this skipped step could indicate someone who has been exposed to a psychic attack of some kind, someone who has been possessed by unconscious or astral forces. But because of the possibility for fantasy and delusion reflected by this placement, this can be an especially problematic to work with.

* These are the more difficult of the squared planets to the nodes

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