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somecrocanadian · 4 months

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Genocidal Therapy

So this is one I posted on AO3 a while a go but I am really proud of it and would like to share it again.

Eren sat in the Paths realm, a blue glow illuminating his face. He wasn’t sure if he was dead or not, Mikasa had taken his head off of his titans form and his body went up in steam. But he was still conscious in the Paths. He had wandered around a bit trying to find Yimir but she was nowhere to be found. Did he free her too? He wasn’t sure, he wasn’t really sure of anything anymore.

He glanced into the Coordinate and saw memories, but not future ones or past ones, current ones. The current one of his friends and comrades gathered underneath a tree where they had buried his severed head.

“I’m sorry… Thank you, Eren,” Reiner whispered.

“You really were a suicidal maniac, Eren,” Jean muttered, “Thanks man.”

Eren could have sworn he saw a tear rolling down horse-faces cheek.

“You didn’t have to do all of this for us, brat,” Captain Levi said from his wheelchair.

Eren twinged with guilt, it was his fault that Levi was in that wheelchair and missing an eye and 2 fingers. He was at fault for a lot of things.

“Eren,” Mikasa said no louder than a whisper, her voice full of so many emotions.

Eren started to really pay attention to this memory and he let it flood over him, the colours became brighter, he could almost feel the light breeze on his skin.

But he had looked in the Coordinate for too long, other memories were starting to play over this one. There was one of a family sitting down for dinner, and another of a little boy running through a forest, and another of a dad and daughter running from something hand in hand, and another of an old man and a nurse in a hospital.

He squeezed his eyes shut, he couldn’t process all of the scenes flashing in front of him in quick succession, but he could still hear them. The clatering of plates, twigs crunching beneath small feet, screaming, lots and lots of screaming. He put his hands over his ears and willed the memories to stop, but they didn’t. The sounds wouldn’t go away; howling wind, a strange wheezing noise, muffled coughs, a crying baby, rumbling - oh the rumbling, gentle laughter, screaming, a door creaking open, a crying child, screaming - always more screaming.

The memories were now threatening to play behind his eyelids. He didn’t want to see it again.

He couldn’t see it again.

Never again.

Eren pulled his knees up to his chest bracing himself for what he was going to inevitably see. He saw the beginnings of a massive steam cloud forming. All he could hear was the stomping, screams, and a muffled voice.

The memory began to shake as the titans became visible in the steam.

Eren closed his eyes harder, “No, not again,” he mumbled, “Please, not again.” He knew it was helpless, nobody could help him, nobody could even hear him, he didn’t deserve it.

The memory began to shake even more. No, the memory wasn’t shaking, Eren was. Why was he shaking? The muffled voice got louder and he began to understand some of the words; “-up! Come on! Snap out of it!” But the voice was so unfamiliar, it had an unusual accent.

“That’s it! Focus on my voice,” It called over the screams of the memory forming before him.

Eren felt a pressure at his shoulder release then something grabbed his wrists - no, someone. This wasn’t a memory, it was happening right now. To him.

Eren’s eyes shot open and he saw a set of brown eyes staring right back.

“Are you alright?” The stranger asked, concern consuming his features.

Eren ripped his hands out of the strangers and shot backwards landing on his rear.

“It’s alright, I’m not gonna hurt you,” The man said standing up from his crouched position but keeping his distance.

Eren was panting; “W-who are you? How did you get here?” were thoughts he meant to keep in his head but accidentally said them out loud.

“I’m the Doctor. As for how I got here, that’s a bit of a story. I was trying to find a way to get back to my friend stuck in a parallel universe but I ended up here instead, not entirely sure how though. All I know is that I need to let my ship rest for a little bit before I try and leave.”

Eren was dumbfounded at this Doctor’s long winded answer and confused by it. However he didn’t let those feelings show, instead he stood up and made his eyes hollow, something he had mastered fairly recently, and put on an unwavering mask.

There was an awkward silence until the Doctor spoke again, “And what’s your name?”

“Eren Yeager,” He said, standing up and brushing off his pants, his voice cold as ice.

“It’s nice to meet you, Eren Yeager,” The Doctor said in a happy tone, reaching out his hand and taking a step towards Eren. Eren instinctively stepped back and dropped into a fighting stance, his years in the military weren’t for nothing.

“I’m not here to hurt you,” The Doctor said, gently putting his hands out beside him. He lowered his voice a bit but was still kind.

“Are you Eldian?” Eren asked, his voice empty, devoid of all emotion.

“No, can’t say that I am,” The Doctor responded, voice low and serious.

“Then it’s impossible for you to be here.”

“But evidently I am. Where is ‘here’ exactly?” He said, stuffing his hands into his pockets, voice picking up a more joyful tone.

Eren paused for a moment, not entirely sure what to make of the Doctor, he should have recognized him the moment he said his name but he didn’t. The Doctor was strange, that was for sure. He just stood there watching Eren, hands stuffed deep into the pockets of his brown suit pants, waiting patiently for an answer.

“You’re in the Paths, a place that connects all Eldian minds. Only those who are a titan shifter can enter this place,” Eren said, although he wasn’t sure if the last part was really true, he really had no idea how the Paths worked.

“Fascinating,” The Doctor said, “So that must mean you are a titan shifter. Mind telling me what that is?”

Eren was flabbergasted, but he didn’t let it show.

“You don’t know what a titan is?”

“Nope,” He said popping the ‘p’

“It doesn’t matter, they’re all gone.”

“They can’t be all gone if you're here as one of them.”

Eren snapped, “You’re a doctor, go find someone who’s sick and bother them.”

The Doctor paused for a moment, his brain swirling with question upon question for this Eren Yeager. There was no way this kid would answer any of them when he was on the defensive.

“My name is the Doctor,” He said, keeping his voice calm, “I’m not a doctor though, I’m just a traveler.”

“If you were just a traveler there is still no way for you to end up here,” Eren said, his voice rising but still cold as ice. He was trying to intimidate the Doctor but he was unfazed. He doubted that Captain Levi’s glare would phase the Doctor.

“I’m no ordinary traveler.”

“There is no way you could be a traveler if you don’t know what an Eldian is.”

“How do I explain this?” The Doctor thought out loud, scratching the back of his neck, “I’m not from your world. Your universe, I should say.”

“You expect me to believe that? I’m not a child.”

“Sorry, it’s hard to explain. You know your planet right?” Eren reluctantly nodded, he heard a lot of those theories from Armin before, well, everything; “And from your planet you see the stars. Around those stars are other planets and other living things. That’s your universe. My universe is the same thing but there have been different events through the history of it when compared to the history of yours. Each universe lives in its own bubble, its own dimension, and it should be impossible to cross between them, on a normal day anyway. You with me?”

Eren nodded again, all of those times he had listened to Hange ramble about titans certainly helped him out here. Eren's face darkened, only for a second but he couldn’t think about Hange, or any of his friends, without feeling guilty.

“Good, right. So, that brings us to this place, the Paths. It’s still a part of your universe, but it’s different. To me it feels like a smaller bubble got stuck on a bigger one.”

“So the Paths got stuck on my universe?” Eren said.

“Bingo! But since this universe wasn’t fully formed it has different properties from a typical universe, like this sand. And the walls of the bubble aren’t that strong making it easier to break through! Now it makes sense!” The Doctor shouted, smacking the side of his head, “I can be so thick sometimes,” He muttered.

Eren took a moment to process everything the Doctor had just said, he didn’t seem to be lying and everything the Doctor said seemed to make logical sense even if he didn’t understand half of what it meant.

“So this means that there aren’t Eldians or Marleyians in your universe,” Eren said, it wasn’t really a question but the Doctor nodded anyway, “So you really have no idea what’s going on in this universe.”

“No, just like you have no idea what’s going on in my universe.”

Eren relaxed a little, but was still wary of the man in front of him. He still wasn’t sure what the Doctor was capable of.

Eren suddenly noticed something in the corner of his eye, it was a blue box that read ‘police box’ and probably some other stuff that he could read from this distance.

“Is that your ship?” Eren asked.

“Yes, that’s my TARDIS. I know she doesn’t look like much but she’s been my trusty ship for years. Always takes me where I need to be.”

Not looking like much was an understatement, the ‘ship’ was a small wooden box, it wouldn’t even be able to cross the sea to Marley.

Even just thinking the words ‘sea’ and ‘Marley’ brought back so many memories for Eren, none of them were pleasant. He did his best to block them out but in doing so his face betrayed him. Guilt was all Eren could feel, guilt and regret. He had done so much damage, no one was unscathed from the horrors of the rumbling and all of the steps he had to take to get there. How many lives did he have on his hands? How many families had he torn a part? Eren shook his head, now wasn’t the time.

Eren looked at the Doctor once more and saw an unfamiliar look in his face, one that did not cross peoples faces often when talking about him or with him; he wore a slight frown and had a twinge of curiosity in his eyes. But there was something else in his eyes, compassion maybe, Eren wasn’t sure. No matter what that unknown emotion was, the Doctor's eyes looked old, very old, impossibly old.

“Some say that the eyes are the window to the soul,” The Doctor said, “People's eyes always tell their story no matter how hard they try to hide it. Yours tell quite the story.”

Eren narrowed his eyes trying to peer into the Doctor's soul and find his story, but the longer he looked the more emotions he found. Eren’s eyes that were once so full of drive and hatred and pain were now dead and empty but if they were stared into long enough there was a great story waiting to be told. But behind the Doctor's eyes there were a lot of great stories and lots of them surpassed Erens. The Doctor’s eyes should have held overwhelming emotions but the only two emotions that lingered behind every story was loss and pain. There was a lot of loss and pain hidden in the Doctor’s eyes.

“Yours do to,” Eren responded after a few moments, “Yours tell a lot of stories.”

“I suppose they would,” The Doctor mumbled, rubbing his chin. The Doctor was more focused on Eren than what Eren was saying to him, he seemed to have gone through a lot, and fairly recently by the looks of it. He wanted to talk to Eren about it but he had no idea what had happened or even what his world looked like. He had a basic idea though, he was on track to Earth in another dimension so whatever planet Eren was from it had to be pretty close to Earth. There is no way for humans from Eren’s time period to have found a way into this ‘Paths’. Maybe the Doctor was wrong, he couldn’t always guess the correct time period based on clothing alone but access to a bubble universe isn’t something that humans come across until a few more centuries into the future.

“How did you end up here?”

“Why should I tell you?” Eren snapped back, giving the Doctor a death glare once more.

“Oi, no need to be so rude. I’m just trying to figure out how you got here so maybe I can find a way out.”

Eren paused, the Doctor looked sincere but Eren had a hard time reading him. But a little information wouldn’t hurt, it would help him leave faster; “I died.”

“Oh, I’m sorry for your loss. Wait, that came out wrong. Sorry, it’s not everyday you meet a dead person, typically because the dead can’t talk.”

Eren was just confused as to how one man could go from shocked, to sympathetic, to confused, to accusatory in one statement; he wasn’t really taking in what the Doctor had said, other than that he rambled too much. Eren just kept a scowl on his face, hoping to scare the Doctor away just as Captain Levi could scare people away with his.

“How do you know you’re dead?”

“What sort of question is that?”

“I’ve met people who thought they were dead and the memories of people who were dead and people who thought they were born dead. How do you know you’re dead?”

Eren just glared, he did not want to answer anymore questions, he just wanted to be left alone. But there was some part of him that wanted the company, he didn’t deserve what he wanted. Not after everything he did.

“My head was cut off,” He mumbled.

“Really? How’d that happen? Was it a guillotine?”

“No,” He said before he could stop himself, “It was Mikasa.”

“Why’d she do that for?”

“To stop me.”

“To stop you from what?”

Eren glanced away but he could still feel the Doctors gaze on him. It wasn’t a harsh gaze, it was one of curiosity. That didn’t make it any easier for Eren to admit what he had done, he’d been avoiding admitting it to himself for a long time; “To stop the rumbling,” he said, barely louder than a whisper. He expected the Doctor to finally realize who he was, to call him a monster, and strangle him. And Eren would have let him. When he heard the rustle of the Doctor's coat he braced for the worst; but nothing came. When he mustered the courage to look at him again he found him seated facing the coordinate.

The Doctor wasn’t really good with human emotions and human feelings; he wasn't very good when humans didn’t understand the concept of life beyond their own planet. Or when humans had to grieve for those they lost. He supposed he had just gotten used to the wonder and loss that came with each. But he knew guilt and regret like no other being in the universe.

“I’m not great with the whole comforting thing. But, believe me, I understand.”

That last bit was said with such seriousness, Eren wouldn’t dare question it. The statement felt so… distant. It made him feel lost too. Like there was something beneath both their surfaces that they didn’t want to face again. To see again. To even think about again. But Eren knew better than most that you cannot escape memories.

Eren slowly sat down next to the Doctor, keeping a respectable distance from him. He put his arms out behind him and leaned back on his hands, staring up to the branches of the coordinate. He couldn’t look into it, not yet.

Sitting like this reminded him of all of the years he spent listening to Armin's fantastical stories of what laid behind the walls. Stories he wouldn’t get to hear anymore. When they were in the army, even after the most grueling of days, Armin would still fantasize about the sea. And once they learned that there were people beyond the walls that hated them Armin would still dream about rivers of fire and plains of ice. There was something about the Doctor that reminded him about Armin too. Why did everything about this man seem to remind him of his past life? The way he could ramble like Hange. They way he could feel the Doctor's gaze like how he felt Captain Levi’s. The same feeling of wonder Armin had. That love sick look in his eyes like Mikasa. Wait. He thought, Is that how she feels right now?

“You’re friend,” Eren said, “Why are you looking for him?”

“There’s something important I didn’t get the chance to tell her, and I can’t keep burning up stars to try and connect with her either.”

“What was her name?”

“Rose. Her name was Rose.”

Eren wracked his brain to think of anyone by the name Rose but the only person that came to mind was Yimr’s daughter.

“Say,” The Doctor said, turning to look at him, “You don’t have a place on your Earth called Dårlig Ulv-Stranden? It translates to Bad Wolf Bay.”

Eren closed his eyes, recalling every sign that he, or any of his titans, ever passed during the Rumbling.

“No, I don’t think so.”

“Ever heard of Torchwood?”

“No,” He would have recognized a word like that.

The Doctor sighed, “That means she’s not in your world then.”

“Good,” Eren said before he could stop himself. He thought the Doctor would take this as his opportunity to leave, but he just turned back to the coordinate.

The Doctor pondered his thoughts for a while. Rose isn’t here, she’s in some other dimension. She’s safe. She’s with Jackie and Pete. She’s safe. They wouldn’t let anything happen to her. She’s safe. She has to be safe. How can I get to her? This was the last possible gateway. Is there something else? Some way else? … there isn’t. She’s safe. Think about that. No more Cybermen or Daleks. No more me. She’s safe. Safer than she has ever been. There’s no more me to put her in danger. I just used ‘no more’ way too much. I said I’d never use it again after- NO! Need a new train of thought. I had Rose and-what’s his name… Eren!-Eren had… Mikasa!

“So,” The Doctor started, “Who was Mikasa?”

“She… She was a close friend. My adopted sister since we were 8,” She was a lot more. Eren thought. He figured the Doctor wouldn’t really care, he himself didn’t care, at least he tried not to care.

“She sounds nice,” The Doctor said, “Why did she kill you?”

“I told you, to stop the rumbling,” Eren said, anger rising in his voice.

“That’s what you told me, but I’m not from this universe, I have no idea what that is. All I can gather is that you were at the helm of it and it didn’t seem like a very good decision.”

“It was the only choice!” Eren snapped and turned to look at the Doctor. He didn’t notice the Doctor turning towards him earlier, but the sympathy in the Doctor's eyes was enough, “I didn’t have a choice,” he whispered, “Our world was so fucked up. They were going to feed me to Historia when she gave birth, leaving her with 13 years left to live. Marley was going to wipe us out at the first chance they got… I didn’t want my friends to die too. The rumbling was the only way that I could guarantee that they would all live long, happy lives. But I killed so many people… the screaming won’t stop. Every time I close my eyes, it’s all I see; The steam, the titans, the sea, everything getting trampled. I can’t stop it…”

The Doctor looked at Eren, his eyes full of sympathy and sorrow for the young man beside him.

“Believe me, I understand,” The Doctor said as gently as he could.

Eren scoffed and turned away.

“In my universe there was a war, the Last Great Time War. It was fought between my people, the Time Lords, and the Daleks, the universe's most advanced species. It didn’t take long for this war to spread all across time and space. I did my best to stay out of it but I was manipulated so much by the high council to face the Daleks before it even began. By the time I officially joined the war I had a pretty high Dalek kill count. The war eventually got so far out of hand, dozens of species had gone extinct, planets no forget plantes, entire solar systems were wiped out, and no one gained the upper hand. It was either the universe or the war. I… I ended it, both sides were too stubborn to give up, or to even consider negotiations. I killed them all, all of the Time Lords, all of the Daleks, all of the innocent life on both planets, gone. Not even the planets remained. I wasn’t supposed to remain, I just regenerated instead. And everytime I close my eyes all I see is what I’ve lost. My planet burning and the screams of my people fill my dreams… I can’t stop it either. It's been a good few years since it ended, but the memory… The memory is just as vivid.”

Eren was stunned into silence, this man understands me. He thought, and so he asked; “Did you try to save them?”

“Oh, countless times. I have a time machine and I couldn’t save them… I couldn’t stop the war,” The Doctor, his voice eerily quiet, “Did you try to save everyone?”

“When I saw my future memories I knew I wouldn’t be able to… I couldn’t save them all, I had to pick who to save… I picked my friends. Why was it up to me to choose who gets to live and who gets to die? How do I know if I made the right choice?”

“Sometimes you have to make the choice that you will regret the least. It’s never fair when you have to kill thousands to save millions… You don’t feel like you’re saving anyone.”

The pair lulled into a comfortable silence, both processing what the other had said. Neither of their lives were fair, they both had to make impossible decisions. Neither of them were happy. Both of them were broken.

“How did you cope?” Eren asked.

“At first I ran, I’ve always run away from my problems. But you can’t outrun guilt, I try to every time, but it never works. But I suppose, you have to accept what you’ve done.”

“How?”

“Well, you can’t change what you’ve done and you did help people… that’s a start.”

“But I killed so many…”

“I know… It’s not easy,” The Doctor paused for a moment, unsure of what to say next. Then he thought; What would Rose say? “You said you did it for your friends, what were they like?”

“They were… They were family. When wall Maria fell it was just me, Armin, and Mikasa. Then when we turned 12 we enlisted in the training corps and met-”

“Hold on, you were 12 when you enlisted? Isn’t that a bit young?”

“They lowered the age when the wall fell so they could get more soldiers to reclaim the wall. We still didn’t see any actual titan combat before we turned 15.”

“You were still just a child.”

“Seeing your mom eaten in front of you makes you grow up pretty quickly.”

“I’m so sorry, no one should grow up like that.”

Eren paused for a moment, he could feel the Doctor looking at him, he could feel the sincerity in his stare, in his voice.

“No one has ever said that to me before…” He meant to think but whispered it out loud.

The Doctor heard it but made no comment, it just proved to him how sad Eren’s world truly was. The Doctor looked away from Eren and into the Coordinate in front of them; “So you were saying how you met your friends.”

“After the three of us enlisted we made quick friends with Sasha and Connie, Potato-girl and baldy,” Eren chuckled to himself and stared vaguely at the Coordinate as the young faces of Sasha and Connie appeared. The Doctor saw them too, “Then there was Jean and Marco, Horseface and I didn’t really get along, not until Marco died in our first battle,” The Doctor watched the Coordinate as Jean and Marco’s faces appeared as well, then bits of Eren’s first battle began to play, in short bursts, “There were others too but most of them are dead now and a few of them betrayed us, “A few more faces flashed in the Coordinate and the Doctor had to wonder if they were dead or alive. He wanted to hope for the best but listening to Eren and seeing the few short memories from the Coordinate made it hard to be optimistic.

“But those who are left can now live long and happy lives. I made sure of that before I died.”

The Coordinate changed again to show the older versions of the people Eren had been talking about. The Doctor could see the difference in age but they all still looked so young, they couldn’t be older than 20. But their eyes looked so broken, and Sasha looked like she was dead. Actually, a lot of them looked deceased.

“There was a war,” The Doctor uttered. That’s the only reason why so many young people could be dead; “And, if I’m putting the pieces together correctly, you ended it with the Rumbling.”

Eren only nodded, but the Doctor could tell he was thinking, the scenes in the Coordinate proved as much. The faces were gone from the Coordinate, they were replaced with scenes of steam and red muscled titans. They were jumbled up at first, then they started to play in some semblance of order. There was a lot of stomping and people running away, the Doctor watched as buildings were crushed along with their inhabitants. He saw families cry over buried bodies only to be crushed by another giant foot. These were the titans. The scene changed into a view of the titans heads with more titans emerging from the steam behind them. Then, something unexpected came from the steam; a big, boney structure appeared. No, big was the wrong word, it was huge, gigantic, humongous! It was unlike anything the Doctor had seen before.

"What is that?" He asked, turning towards Eren, "Eren, are you alright?"

Eren was squeezing his eyes shut and had his hands over his ears. The Doctor quickly got up and knelt down beside Eren.

"Eren, can you hear me?"

Eren sort of nodded; "I can hear them. It won't stop," Erens voice was so distant and broken, the Doctor couldn't believe this was the same young man he had spoken with earlier. He looked back towards the Coordinate and saw hordes of people getting trampled. They must be screaming.

"Okay, listen to me. You are controlling this, Eren, which means you can change it. You're showing me the rumbling but why did you do it? You got that? Show me why you did it."

Eren didn't change his body language, but instead of trying to push the rumbling away he skipped to the end of it right to the moment when she smiled. He had barely seen her smile the past few months, that's why he did it, so that she can smile and be happy. So that they could all be happy.

The Doctor watched the Coordinate with his hand on Erens shoulder; he watched as there was a cut in the memory playing before. It changed to focus on Mikasa, her eyes were full of tears but she was still smiling. The memory morphed into a younger Mikasa with an even brighter smile.

"That's it!" The Doctor said, a smile spreading across his face.

Eren slowly opened his eyes and looked into the Coordinate and a small smile spread across his face. It was a smile the Doctor was familiar with as it crossed his face often, a smile filled with loss and regret.

"I have control," Eren muttered.

"That you do have. It will take a while to master it but you can control it. Remember that."

"I will," He said absentmindedly, he was too busy controlling the Coordinate to really care about advice.

"Well," The Doctor said, patting Eren on the shoulder, "I should be off."

The Doctor got up and began to walk towards his TARDIS, it took Eren a few moments to realize the Doctor had left his side and he sprung up to follow him.

"Wait!"

The Doctor turned around with one hand on the door to his Police Box.

"Leaving so soon?"

"Well, my ship is good to go and my work here is done."

Eren couldn't argue with that but he didn't want to go back to being alone; "Could you come and visit some time?"

The Doctor saw the desperation in Eren's eyes; "I promise." The Doctor opened the door to his ship, letting the door creak on its hinges.

Eren took a step back from the box as the light on top of it began to flash. The box started to make a wheezing noise and it started to fade away until there was a gust of wind and the Doctor was gone.

Eren looked towards the Coordinate, there was a memory he wanted to see. It would take him a while to figure this whole thing out. Good thing he wasn't one for giving up.

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