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sandpumpkin · 4 years

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Henlo you most gorgeous Pumpkin!!! I am super hyped to get into your ask box!! May I request #44 “You don’t have to pretend with me” with Shanks and fem!reader? Thank you so much this is the absolute cutest event!! Sending you all the love and looking forward to the undeniably cute scenarios that are gonna come from this!!

Hello! I’m so behind with these IM SORRY! Also. I went on a huge tangent with this. I’m sorry. I hope it’s okay. ಥ_ಥ

Without Love

Mums the word

Shanks - 44 You don’t have to pretend with me

The day he strode into town changed your life forever. He claimed to be a travelling merchant but what self respecting merchant would look so..unkept..and in those trousers...what even were they?

And yet nobody questioned it. Even you. He and his group made themselves quite known at the tavern where you frequented yourself. You watched him curiously as he laughed merrily with his group. It was strange. He was humble and strangely polite. Despite how boisterous they got they never harmed or caused damage: only minor damage after one too many drinks but they were quick to pay for their mess.

You knew his name. Shanks. But you played the fool.

You saw him the next day when he entered the blacksmith where you worked. “I’ll just be a second!” you called over your shoulder as you finished re-sharpening an old sword. “Sorry about that. Now how can I-” you words trailed off when you realised who was standing in the middle of the store. That striking red hair and those awful trousers.

“I wasn’t expecting to find such a beautiful gem here.” Shanks said, offering the same charming smile as before.

“Right- so..how can I help?” you asked, skirting around his cloying words.

“I came to purchase some new swords. I was hoping to perhaps strike a deal.” he grinned,

“I’ll get my boss. That's for him to decide.” you explained, hollering into the back for the older gentleman who owned the smithy. He was overjoyed at the thought of selling such a large amount of swords and ushered Shanks into the back to work out the fine details.

Night after night you saw him at the bar and occasionally through the town during the day, he always made a point of coming for a quick chat mostly about the weather or pointless chatter.

But on the last night he was in town. You saw him once again but this time he joined you at your table, away from his group. “The beautiful jewel. Lovely to see you again.” Shanks greeted, fetching you another drink. As you got up to leave, he looked at you with such gentle eyes. “Don’t leave..I wanted to talk.”

Sighing, you sat back down. “So..you’re a merchant..” you said, trying to find a point of conversation “what do you need all those swords for?”

“Well you know..it’s dangerous on the Grandline..pirates and such.” he replied with a shrug.

He’s a terrible liar..though he’s not wrong about it being dangerous.

“If you don’t mind me asking..” you started, your eyes fell to his missing arm “how did you lose it?”

Shanks set down his mug and smiled with such a tender warmth, as he reached for a hat that no longer sat upon his crimson hair and he replied simply “I gave it to the next generation.”

What an odd thing for a ‘merchant’ to say. You thought as you sipped your mead. But then you remembered hearing about an upcoming pirate. Young and with the same energy of the man sitting before you. His son perhaps? You wanted to know more about him. You knew the rumours and naught else.

“For a merchant you spend an awful lot.”

“Well you know...business..” He laughed nervously,

“You don’t have to pretend with me.” you said sternly, folding your arms across your chest “I know who you are Shanks.” he stared at you with his jaw hung open, you chuckled resting a finger under his jaw closing his mouth, leaning across the table to steal a quick kiss “do you really think I didn’t recognise you? Or your pirate flag floating above the harbour?” you questioned with a playful smirk. Shanks blinked and laughed loudly.

“I really thought I was being discreet.”

It was your turn to laugh “How are you discreet? You’re one of the warlords of the ocean! Everyone here knows who you are, the only reason no one has said anything is because they like you better than they like the marines.” you explained, hearing a cheer echo through the bar. “See. Come on lets get some air.” you said rising from your chair, leaving the stuffy bar and out into the cool night air.

“I never meant to lie-” Shanks announced.

“You could have picked a better cover.” you teased, turning to face him as you reached the harbour “Guess you’ll be back on the seas soon.” you didn’t want him to leave, you had grown to enjoy his goofy smile and playful banter. Still not those trousers though.

He came into your life like a hurricane sweeping you off your feet but despite all his power he held you so softly like a warm gentle summer's breeze. Shanks wrapped his good arm around you pulling you in close resting his head on your shoulder.

“Aye..I suppose that’s how it was going to be-” he admitted weakly, “But I fell in love with you.” Shanks added, shifting to plant little kisses on your neck rising to his full height, his hand playing with your hair with a soft smile on his lips “I don’t want to put you in harms way but I also don’t want to leave you here…” he explained, “Will you come with me? Onto the high sea?”

You blinked and threw your arms around his neck “How could I refuse such a request from a handsome pirate.” you teased “should I start calling you captain?” you asked, Shanks looked a little taken back and a smirk graced his lips.

“Perhaps in...private..” he whispered, capturing your lips in another passionate kiss “I might not live long otherwise.” slinging his arm over your shoulders with a proud grin “come! I need to introduce you to the crew-”

“Not to alarm you but I already know them,” you said trying not to laugh in his face “I’ve spoken to them a few times when they came to collect your swords and we drank at the bar together.” you reminded him.

“-So you have. I was so lost in your beauty I forgot everything else.” He said resting his head on yours “A new journey begins tomorrow. I can’t wait.” Shanks smiled, “Welcome aboard, my beautiful jewel of the sea.”

#pumpkin writes #shanks x reader #red haired shanks #without love #one piece

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loopingtangent · 3 years

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I want to watch the Mandalorian (pt. 2)

Because once started, we might as well continue. We’re gonna watch the animated clone wars movie. all I remember of this is that it wasn’t very well liked when it came out 13 (?!) years ago.

(12/29: also, delays due to education, and holiday. but i’m sitting with cake from family member’s birthday, so lets finish this film)

(also, RIP original C3PO and Darth Vader, you will be missed by many)

ONWARD:

- half of me hopes that Jabba reproduces asexually. the other half is wondering who his son’s mum is... okay, the expected/got for the son of jabba was pretty god.

i like how anakin interacts with little stinky. you see how he dislikes having to deal with it in the first place, but just accepts it as time goes by. hes empathetic with stinky being ill, and doesnt withhold medicine.

(i’m having a hard time coming to grips with the idea that this man becomes darth vader)

- okay, i’m enjoying the banter between kenobi and skywalker. its starting off a lot better than before. (I share the same views of myself teaching as anakin...)

Anakin Hair Rating: 4/5 stars, this isn’t terrible. i like the floofy hair of the 2008 era. reminds me of daniel radcliffe in HP4.

- i’m actually liking anakin in this. he’s got a decent personality. Ahsoka is fun playing on his personality as well. i’m also enjoying the different style of using a lightsaber she’s got. while most are using it like a sword, she seems to use it more like a dagger. (I’m not familiar with, like, actual sword fighting, so forgive me on the non-specifics, like everyone seems to use theirs more like a club or baseball bat, whereas she holds it differently, and makes different moves with it.). huh, please dont let this be a learn from the younger generation (Future Loop: it isn’t thankfully...) it might be an actual buddy cop movie, esquee. (Future Loop: not quite)

- i love kenobi negotiating surrender... the sheer amount of big dick energy on the man to do that whole scene is amazing. (padme, i’m questioning your life choices again.. ) (future loop: I’m trying to find a gif of this, and apparently this is not the first, nor the last time he will pull this move, which makes it even more ballsy)

- Ventress? that’s a weird name... I like her look though, its quite fun.

(the actual linguistics of it, i mean. half of me wants to go into a Among Us tangent (we’ll see) (Hello, and welcome to my tangent - so like, in among us, the imposters are venters, but by that logic, is it only the male imposters, and the female imposters are ventresses?)

- i’m kind of digging the political ridiculousness of this movie. i feel like jabba wouldnt be lead by the nose like this. he’s a big guy in charge of a lot of things. him just accepting things people say as fact seems counterintuitive, but its fun to watch.

i honestly dont know how the hutts stay in power. they are a dictatorship of morons. why on earth would you talk about your evil plan, and not SEAL/LOCK THE DOORS INTO THE ROOM?!?!

i usually have a good idea of how a story will end. but i dont here, which is nice. as its a war movie (technically), i can see it successfully ending either way. (Future Loop: alright, now that Ziro has been officially introduced, i’m gonna assume the jedi win this little skirmish, as I doubt we see him again.)

so anakin definitley doesnt go to kill jabba, but his daughter definitely does 20-30 years later...

-also, palpatine is in such a good spot politically. like, “i know what i plan on doing, but lets actively sit in on what the opposing side is doing to be three steps ahead of them”

OVERALL:

- the fucking remixed the intro music: review of it, i’m unimpressed. sounds like they lengthened the beginning, which makes it just feel really slow.

- i like the animation, it is very stylized, which makes it enjoyable to see.

- the story felt like it should have just been a 3 part tv show intro. there was enough background, but the characters failed to approach anything remotely arc related.

(NOTES: so, apparently there is a tv series that’s going to be watched for this too... for 20-ish minutes per episode, i think i’ll try to include 5-6 per post, because a post per episode is kind of insane, and a season per post will end up killing me.)

Tag List:

@lorelaideville (lmk if you want to stay tagged)

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eyeslikefoxglove · 4 years

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Episode 21 - The PTSD is strong with this one & we need more braincells

Hello hello! Welcome to the commentary. How’s everyone? I’m frozen solid because it’s mid-June in Spain and yet we had 11°C yesterday. Fucking awesome!

I AM NOT WEARING MASCARA SO I CAN CRY ALL I WANT. I DONT KNOW IF THATS GOOD OR BAD THO.

Can I just take a second to appreciate how much this big strong powerful men emote? I mean, I know this isn’t western media where the tough guy can’t show emotions, and I don’t know that eastern media has the same hangups about men emoting but just... it’s so refreshing.

Huaisang bb you’re so sweet.

Oh, oh the PTSD is strong with this one.

Also, bless both JC and NHS, they absolutely noticed WWX flinch and, in their own ways, went and steamrolled over it so WWX wouldn’t feel scrutinised.

WE INTERRUPT THIS BROADCAST TO INFORM YALL THAT I GOT A KITTEN ON MY LAP. (She’s kneading my boob, which, ow, but...)

*BICHEN GRIIIIIIIP*

How do y’all think the guards go deliver bad news to WRH? Like do they paper-rock-scissor it? Draw straws?

NMJ did you have to?

And once again I wonder what would’ve happened if JFM had let sect leader Yao kick it.

Ughvhfnevus it’s this clown. Same as with Su She, if you see a bunch of screaming it’s just me not wanting to listen to Jin ZiXun.

The Nies: let’s throw a banquet to honour WWX’s return

Every asshole there: *gossips about WWX while in the room with him*

Once again I wish I could transmigrate (and speak mandarin lol) and just start delivering tongue lashings.

Listen, I have no idea how to play Guqin, but I did play the guitar for years and even from here I can see how much YiBo’s hands don’t match the melody. Nothing against him but why does this always happen? I know they got classes, so was the music not written by that time or something? Because one thing is not hitting the correct notes, another is plucking slow notes when the tempo is much faster.

JC: Since yours and LWJ’s unhappy separation...

My dumbass: do you mean breakup? *eyebrow waggle*

You will pry my “JC knows his brother is pinning after LWJ, he probably doesn’t want to know anything else” hc out of my cold dead hands thankyouverymuch.

WWX: *spouts a bunch of misdirection to avoid giving JC a straight answer*

JC: Bull-fucking-shit.

Should I count how many times WWX PTSDs all over the place or would you like me to leave your hearts intact? That’s two so far.

Ok ok, I feel that, if someone with a bit less trauma and a bit of insight (NHS maybe?) had seen the bit where ChenQing fucking hurts Shijie thing would’ve gone differently. I mean, yes, LWJ keeps warning WWX that this shit is gonna fuck him up, but as I said in my previous commentary LWJ also has the communication skills of a hermit crab so that wouldn’t work, and JC would be too wound up and WWX too busy trying to conceal his lack of golden core for that conversation to go anywhere. But if someone who WWX knows is a good egg (I’m not gonna say trusts bc paranoia) had sat him down and told him “your new instrument that you use for your new form of cultivation just hurt the person you love most please be careful when you use it.” I think it would’ve worked wonders towards his health overall.

I know Shijie says it’s like Zidian, but she’s not working with the fact that this thing is made for and by the Dark Side of the Force and I’m sorry but I can’t help but see ChenQing as a bit of a horrocrux almost. Or like, if you like me think the Burial Mounds is an Entity, something that’s a bit more sentient that it lets on.

Speaking of reputations and NHS being a good egg, I have oh-so-many ideas (I won’t say plot bunnies because I can’t write for shit) in which NHS for Reasons (time-travel? Letter from the future? His massive brain?) realises just how much damage WWX is doing to his public image. And he might be a sheltered dandy, but he saw what being the son of a sex worker did to Meng Yao despite how hard he worked (I’m assuming he doesn’t know about the whole betrayal business). This is way fucking worse, like hell is he going to let one of his best friends paint a target on his back. So he pulls back his sleeves, engages his slytherin brain and proceeds to lay down a plan to throughly destroy WWX’s reputation as a powerful genius.

I’m guessing LWJ and JC protest, and maybe WWX, and NHS just hits them with “do you want him respected or alive?” And they shut tf up. He glues himself to WWX, and brings up as many instances in which their behaviour can be compared as he can (we got drunk and punished at cloud recesses, we slept in class, we skipped to go fishing, I don’t carry my sword either). And, because assholes be assholes, people like Sect Leader Yao or Clown Cousin are quick to start spouting their own derogatory bullshit and thus WWX the untamed powerful prodigy dies a fiery death. Now he’s just a mouthy kid with a quick mind that “does tricks instead of battle” (I’ll never get bored of using that Thor quote). I also like to think that people who personally know WWX and are not pieces of shit go give NHS a tongue lashing for messing with what they thought was his friend, NHS takes that as a test of good eggness and bring them into the plan. Soon the whole Cloud Recesses class is swearing up, down, left, right and centre that all the shit WWX has ever successfully pulled is just an insane amount of luck and quick thinking.

I don’t know how would they work him into the battlefield (disguise? Mask?) to unleash his demonic cultivation but that’s Plot and I don’t do that.

Also, because I’m a terrible human being I want to say that people assume LWJ is on “pretty but useless” WWX like white on rice because *insert derogatory comment about being good in bed and sexual favours*. Because y’all know the assholes here are Like That. And WWX is horrified because holy fucking shit he’s gonna drag LWJ’s reputation down, he can’t have people thinking HGJ is ok with having him as a concubine pretty much. But before he can act LWJ politely all but confirms that yeah, he’s tapping that, y’all wish you were but he doesn’t share and none of y’all are good enough for his Wei Ying anyway. CUE FAKE/PRETEND RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE I AM INDEED TRASH FOR THAT TROPE.

Muahahahaha y’all thought I was gonna devolve into my personal hcs and not include my fave trope? Shouldn’t y’all know me better by now?

(Btw I like this bit ^ so I might polish it a little and post it separately as well, just a warning if you find yourself reading an eerily similar post by me)

WuJi is playing and LWJ is pining so much. Also, if LWJ did not just realise that, just like Yu the Great, WWX had no other option but tame resentful energy I’ll eat my blanket.

I refuse to believe Jiang Yanli didn’t become the unofficial war camp therapist/sounding board/only sane person/everyone’s mum/I just need a hug and a corner to cry in peace. There are not enough fics about Shijie being her gentle BAMF self while in the camp and it’s a pity. My crops are dying y’all!

Also, I will fight anyone who scoffs at Shijie being the epitome of the “gentle woman who cooks and waits for the men to come back from war”. Look at her mum, do you think it is easy for a kid (she was a kid in the flashback when WWX ran away) to see that day in and day out, to have that as a “role model” and decide that she was not going to be like her mum? That she didn’t like what she saw in her so she was going to be kind and gentle? And do you think it is easy for a person barely in their twenties to deal with years of verbal and psychological abuse for again, being gentle and kind, and not grow a hard shell of bitterness to protect themselves? And to keep being gentle and kind while at war, with your parents dead and your siblings unraveling before your very eyes? Shijie is so fucking strong and I love her.

Hey look, the White Walkers!

“Resentful energy is just energy” ok, valid. But my dude, you’ve got black ghost smoke coming out of you and can hear people screaming in your head. I’m not saying it is evil, like someone’s uptight set in his ways arrogant uncle; but it sure as shit ain’t healthy.

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH (that’s a Clown Cousin scream btw)

Ok ok, just one little thing: IF SOMEONE ELSE CALLS WWX WEI YING AS A SHOW OF DISRESPECT IMMA SCALP THEM.

...are those crows eating that man alive? Yikes on bikes.

(Assume my comment about YiBo’s Guqin playing also goes for Xiao Zhan and his flute. I can’t play the flute but the tempo doesn’t match his fingers)

I’m just gonna say it, I think 3zun (well, 2zun as of now) suspect shit went down badly for WWX, that’s two questions by both of them in a very soft conciliatory tone. They are genuinely interested/worried about the topic, and don’t seem to come off as chiding or judgemental. I mean WWX is a weirdo irreverent kid and they’re sect leaders, they outrank him so much it’s ridiculous. I’m also counting the fact that both their baby brothers like him towards them being so kind. But I also think WWX just triggers all their big brother instincts the second he walks in.

Oh there’s a thought, Shijie, Wen Qing, NMJ and LXC take a look at everyone’s shitty parents and just decide to adopt everyone.

What happened at Yiling was a traumatised teenager (is WWX even 20?) PTSDing all over the place with the Dark Side of the Force whispering in his ear and an all powerful trinket at his disposal. Not saying I approve of all the torture and murder but he clearly isn’t revelling in them.

That is some outstanding bit of big-brothering on LXC’s side and I love it. Also, my dumbass just realised LWJ probably wasn’t quoting WWX when he was being punished (what is white what is black?) I think he was quoting his big brother. Which is magnitudes deep too, but in a different direction and I might love that scene even more.

Ok fuck it, I’m gonna tangent. So I had a terrible boyfriend when I was 15-18. He alienated me from my friends, sunk my self-esteem to the molten core of the earth, tried to convince me my parents were abusive and encouraged (aka threatened manipulated and cajoled) the slow tanking of my high school marks. I have A Problem when I see media where someone latches onto their significant other and everything they are shifts towards that person. Now, love, true genuine love, is powerful, and I believe it can be the catalyst for shifting your world-view for the better. I don’t have a problem with that. I don’t have a problem with people sticking with their romantic partner if it is clear their previous “family” is so much shit. I don’t have a problem with LWJ coming out of his shell and defying corrupt precepts because his love for WWX made them see they were wrong, or getting sassy and unrepentant during his punishment (I have a problem with the punishment bc that’s abuse but...). But I do side-eye WangXian being the only thing in their orbit. People need people, and WangXian have other good people around them. So I kind of love that yes, WWX showed him the system was corrupt, but it is the words of his brother he is sticking by to the defy said system.

Let’s go back to our scheduled slew of held pinning glances shall we?

LXC after That awkward run-in: WangJi I wasn’t gone that long, what the fuck did you two oblivious pining idiots do?

(LXC has “bitching” tea sessions with Shijie and you can’t convince me otherwise)

LWJ: *is being dramatic and not knocking on WWX’s door*

Me: oh my god you fucking idiot

Shijie: *walks in*

Me: oh thank god someone with a braincell.

Ah yes, there we go triggering WWX’s paranoia again. Why would he get a break.

OH MY GOD YOU PAIR OF FUCKING IDIOTS. THATS IT, FUCK THIS SHIT IM OUT.

@ LWJ: bitch wtf was that? I know you’re shit at talking but have you thought about writing it down? Letters anyone? It worked for mr. Darcy.

(Yes LWJ is mr darcy and now I want an au where LWJ writes WWX letters and just pours everything in them, WWX finds them, any everything is sunshine and rainbows)

While this bullshit fight/misunderstanding is all on LWJ’s shoulders, I’m also going to scream at WWX. Because yes, he is in PTSD hell, but he trusted LWJ before, and yet he can’t get past his perceived notion of LWJ’s character (and his own inadequacies) to trust him again and ask for help. Plus, you know, he thinks he doesn’t deserve he’ll bc *waves hand at WWX’s trauma conga line*

These episodes can’t be good for my BP.

Thanks for reading!

#the untamed #cql #mdzs live action #mdzs #foxglove watches cql #foxglove watches the untamed #lan wangji #wei wuxian #wangxian #jiang yanli #jiang cheng #yunmeng trio #yunmeng siblings #commentary

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heads-in-the-clouds-spacecadet · 4 years

Text

When asked to write a daily diary for anxiety management.

Here are a few days example....

Sunday 24th

Mood/anxiety = numb.

Additional meds =8mg of diazipam.

My whole body aches yet it shouldn't. My stomach is growling yet i feel physically sick.

Things i ask myself....

Q.1 Will i leave my safe space, weighted blanket & mountain of pillows?

A.1 NO.

Q.2 Will i manage my yoga routine

A.2 NO

Reasons....Why

I feel exhausted even though ive not been outside since Thursday. I just want the aching to subside the pain to leave. My jaw is clenched closed making eating an ordeal. I know this needs to be done.

The dread of what passive aggressive message/s ill receive today either in person or written either way im struggling to motivate myself to move.

The Internet has been blocked for nearly a wk now. But i just let it slide as the saying goes choose your arguements "wifi is not the hill i want to die on" quote from TBBT. I hear Luke (my brother) is now in his bedroom and his door is closed. He has been banging around the house sending passive aggressive messages (sms) since 4am. My belongings that i left downstairs were thrown into my room. I'm nervous to leave my room till i know he is asleep.

Flashback/negative thoughts....

1. How can my baby brother be an emotional manipulator.

2. Last time i had to justify my everymove i was in Portugal in a very bad relationship.

*****Ways im looking to excuse his behaviour. Find the cause to my sudden crash of low mood aka depression with a nice battle of anxiety.

---Logically i know its not the same.

---Emotionally it hurts the same.

The way he looks at me with disgust, resentment & impatience is the trigger. I realise this. How someone you love can make you feel this way.

Solution: i decide to find a solution to the sudden conflict of money and i know there is a receipt in the car. I go to the normal place the keys are kept and theyre no where to be found. I look in all the obvious logical places they could be and realise theyre hidden by my loving brother. His Reasons, 1-to stop me buying shit (his words). 2. He has decided its his house, his car so therefore his rules. (Its all my mums btw)

As im downstairs i notice the kitchen is a mess. Pots all over from a feast Luke cooked up the night before. Or should i say 2am.

So i feel defeated. Ive basically been cleaning non stop everytime i use a room as per gov guidelines and he just doesnt seem to comprehend the severity of the situation.

I decide i need to eat. So i opt for Shreddies with Oat Milk (Luke has a serious milk allergy to the milk proteins in cows milk so im not fussed about milk and am happy to use alternatives) topped with vanilla soya yogurt, bannana, a few cranberries, 3 strawberries, sultanas and crushed Almonds. My logical brain is telling me eat well as we are not leaving the bedroom again unless desperate.

I send a few messages to the family whats app (Luke refuses to be a part of this) and receive encouraging and support in return. Everyone is struggling in their own way so i appreciate having a small outlet between us all.

After food i sleep finally.

Trying now to Ready myself for round 2 which i know is coming.

My mum calls i dont want to answer but i do. I explain the situation. She knows, she has dealt with his angry behaviour since he was 11yrs old. She stated she is coming to visit Tuesday as per new gov guidelines and we will meet in the park. She then asks me to pass the phone to Luke which i pointblank refuse. Im not ready for round 2 yet. Especially since he has his own phone he is just not answering making everyone worry about him but he just resents it. Its safe to say im proud i refused to do something. Gold star award ⭐

Monday 25th

Mood/Anxiety - still no change from yesterday but i decide i have to force myself to move. Wash, clean and pack the additional things my mum has requested.

Additional meds - i decided against taking anything today as i need to be clear headed for my appointment Tues and obvs my mums visit.

I check the weather see its a nice day decide washing is task 1. I set a bath running (multi tasking saving time from all the free time) and head downstairs to pop the washing machine on. Before i left my room i checked my phone for messages i have one from my mum telling me she has had words with Luke and that he needs to basically deal with the resentment in a more positive way.

This explains all the banging and loud music yesterday early eve. He decided to actually clean.

Anyhow I head downstairs. Kitchen is clean, messages all wiped from the black board.

I decide i must try and communicate with Luke as we cant take the conflict with us to the park it isnt fair to our mum.

I can hear him moving so send a sms message asking if he wants anything in the oven. No response. ***He did finally get out of bed at 3pm so a peaceful day so far.

I decide food is required. I opt for protein soya burgers x2 with Spinach, tomatos, avacado, sultanas, almond pieces and some crumpets. I sit in the garden to eat.

All washing is out and drying but im to anxiety ridden and unmotivated to enjoy the sunshine.

I head back to my room to sort bits for my mum and throw away my origami collection. It was over taking my room and again causing conflict.

Lukes awake!!!. I decide to say hello. So far so good. He decides to make himself lunch and throws a fit because i ate a £0.45 avocado. I walk away as i know he is just venting and i need to not start the circle of negative thoughts or interactions. This is rewarded with resentment. Luke suddenly decides to do his own washing and cut the grass. Which means my washing is in his way. Before he even starts i am pulling in whats dry mainly because i want to go back to bed and need my bedsheets but also because he wont care if my washing turns green or is damaged. To my delight my sheets are dry but my pjs etc need another 30mins so i leave them whilst i go and make my bed.

Im bellowed at about washing as Luke needs the line. So i head down stairs to reteive the rest of my belongings.

Self soothing thoughts...

Im walking on eggshells trying not to provoke the beast and i need to keep going. Focus on my achievements. I left my room. I cleaned myself, my clothing and my pillow fort which has been my safe zone for the past 4days.

Deep down thought i am disappointed as i know isolation and distancing is not a long turn solution as the yrs pass im becoming more and more isolated and lonely.

Im downstairs again and i ask Luke if he wants anything popping in the oven as i was having toast. He requested 2 burgers and chips but on seperate trays as he was hungry. Easy to do popped into the oven. 40mins later chips are cooked he is plating up and all he says is "why have you cooked so many chips, clearly we now live in a household of wastefulness".

This was the turning point for me id had enough for 1day and just told him to give it a rest and went to my room.

Im dozing with Big Bang on in the backround and Luke is banging on my door. Mums on the phone. Confirming arrangements for tomorrow. I say a few oks with the occasional nod.

I start packing the bits n bobs my mum has asked for and carry then downstairs so theyre ready for the car tomorrow am.

Its PJs and bed time. Luke has other ideas. He is awake and up and about at 4.30am. Having a bath at 5am, doing weights after his bath at 6am then leaves in the car at 7am. He is back around 8am banging has a shower then decides to leave again in the car. He is meant to be house-bound until July 1st. This in itself causes me anxiety as i cant handle watching another member of my family die in front of my eyes.

Thoughts...

Yes this is VERY dramatic. STOP IT BRAIN!

Take precautions all will be ok.

Tuesday 26th

Mood/Anxiety = No change

Additional meds = 4mg diazipam but late afternoon as i couldnt stop shaking and fidgeting.

My mum is coming to visit. Im trying not to think about the fact Luke is out of the house.

We are having a picnic social distancing style.

We head to the coop as Luke has decided even after knowing our mum all his life never be on time, we have to be early. I buy Costa coffee, fresh bread, hummus, bananas, diet coke and some biscuits the nature valley ones theyre really good. Luke doesnt go into the shop I think at least he is listening to some rules. He rolls his eyes as i spray the shopping with dettol spray and use the alcohol hand sanitizer for my hands and door handle etc. I just tell him its how it needs to be done.

We find a perfect parking spot under a bunch of trees. I notice that all the trees are trimmed in a very even shelf across the bottom. It looked like it was designed perfectly for people to walk straight onto the park from the car park without having to fight with tree branches or go around. But in actual fact its the deer. They eat the lower leaves this made me smile and relax for a moment. WIN.

My mum is late so im nervous that she is

1. Stuck somewhere (over reaction)

2. Lost (over reaction)

3. Just running late (normal reaction)

Im a tad fidgety as im aware i have an appointment in 2hrs. Hurry up MOTHER...

I ponder about work and whether or not ill still have a job to return too. Had an email this am stating theyre cutting 200jobs from the team i work in. So not sure if thats a good thing or not. But its also increasing my anxiety as ive read the email and now have a burning desire to do the research to see what my probability of keeping my job will be. Before my brain can go on a major tangent my mum arrives.

Shes brought Oscar (her poodle) he is so excited to see me. And the big hairy fluff ball gave me the biggest snuggles. He has a major Covid hairdoo. My mum doesnt hug me which hurts but i know she cant.

Picnic time. We sit in the middle.of a field away from everyone. Social distancing 10/10. My mum has made me my favourite cakes, rock buns. (Apparently these are a northern thing) but im feeling the love. Its fairly chilled only 1 disagreement with Luke over blinkin avocados.

Im clock checking and aware of impending appointment, im a little (understated) nervous because ive not had positive relationships with therapists or doctors in the past.

#mental health #lost #hurting #help #self reflection #finelinebetweenloveandhate #still breathing #GAD #recovery #survivor

0 notes

taggedmemes · 5 years

Text

SENTENCE MEME ⟶ REVOLTING PEOPLE / 2.03 always feel free to tweak the sentence to fit your muse.

‘that’s not playing. that’s the cruel and unusual punishment of an innocent banjo.’

‘they’re not your friends.’

‘well thank god for that! it halves the pain!’

‘you should be blindfolded and shot, with all due respect.’

‘you’d think there’d be villages to burn, or plunder to plunder.’

‘things are as quiet as a eunuchs codpiece.’

‘i’m thinking of packing up my troubles and going on the road.’

‘in many ways, it’s actually easier to play the banjo with one arm.’

‘you can’t bend iron.’

‘you call that generous? are you insane?’

‘there’s also the matter of pride.’

‘did i feel used? yes. did i hurt myself? yes. could i look at myself in the mirror? no, but then i never could.’

‘you’ll catch your death of exposure.’

‘why don’t you just feel my heart?!’

‘well, give some orders that involve passion every once in a while.’

‘you could be pelted with rocks.’

‘damn it man, have you got no gumption?’

‘what more do you need? a note from your mum? naked lute players?’

‘i can be passionate with the best of them.’

‘i’ll not fall into your trap, no matter how you tempt me.’

‘say it! before we both die of old age!’

‘my hand? all you want is my hand?! what about THESE?! don’t you want THESE, too!’

‘oh, relax. it was just girlish exuberance.’

‘i’m quite supple for a man of my... avoirdupois.’

‘i couldn’t help but smell the breasts. food! i couldn’t help but smell the food!’

‘it’s my job to measure trees.’

‘imagine what chaos would ensue if someone were to miscalculate the weight of a tree!’

‘i laugh, but there’s really nothing funny about that kind of faux pas.’

‘you’ve abandoned your family.’

‘you mustn’t talk that way.’

‘i went off on a bit of a tangent, there.’

‘what were you planning to do? hibernate in the wood forever?’

‘be honest, who would have missed me?’

‘her face contorts into a mask of pain whenever she sees me.’

‘are you saying i should go home with my tail between my legs?’

‘i’ve bought his silence, albeit at a price i cannot afford.’

‘i’m an idiot, aren’t i?’

‘can’t you see i’m bedridden?’

‘i’ll have to go on one of those special eating regimes. there’s this new one where you can eat as much as you want whenever you want provided you only eat carrots.’

‘i was promised servants!’

‘did you just refer to your son as a creature?’

‘you’ll just have to get out of bed and take some responsibility.’

‘and look how we turned out! a slut, a harden and a nitwit.’

‘i’m the slut.’

‘how old would you guess i am?’

‘alright, no hurry on that. just give it some thought.’

‘you’ve knocked the door down again!’

‘it’s my first book: when cows dry up.’

‘why can’t we learn more about ourselves as human beings by studying the inner workings of our animal friends?’

‘i’m reading every single word! apart from the ones with these funny shapes.’

‘it sounds like the baby’s had an epiphany. a great big one.’

‘don’t throw the baby!’

‘i would have knocked, but there’s no door.’

‘i don’t need to knock, because i live here.’

‘he’s never satisfied with the length of things.’

‘awh, jeez. just when she’s about to tear his head off.’

‘by your furrowed brow and by your face twisted into that vinegary snarl, i take it you’re angry about something.’

‘angry? i’m /frightened/.’

‘and that actually /mattered/ to you?’

‘will you kiss me hello, then?’

‘don’t you understand that my restraint is out of respect for your honour?’

‘where on earth did you hear that?’

‘you’re acting like a child.’

‘anyhow, i’m leaving. i’ve got a very important secret meeting.’

‘where’s your voice coming from?’

‘i’m spying!’

‘why are you dressed as an elk?’

‘i had some spare time, so i figured, ‘hey, i’ll stitch me up an elk suit’. as you do.’

‘you’ve been bored to tears, haven’t you?’

‘i’ve been as bored as the corpse at a funeral.’

‘i’m not prepared to talk to a man dressed as an elk.’

‘i don’t want to hear all your ludicrous insubordinate prattle about wooden mooses and what-have-you. just leave me alone!’

‘ain’t ours to reason why.’

‘i’d never say avast; that’s pirate talk.’

‘do you want to know what i would do in a situation like this?’

‘i’d appear in the dead of night dressed in this elk outfit. i’d do a rude mating dance outside her window, bellowing, guttural noises, and pawing at the turf. then, i’d void myself to mark my territory. then, i’d swing through her window, preferably an open one, on a vine. then i’d blindfold her and shackle her to the bedframe. then i’d pour a warm vanilla sauce over her. then, and only then, i’d turn loose the cats.’

‘when you say cats... do you mean wildcats?’

‘i was just telling you what /i’d/ do in this situation.’

‘you shouldn’t be here. what do you want?’

‘i must be out of my mind.’

‘we take turns wearing the pants.’

‘i know i don’t have the right to just barge into your life.’

‘what an entirely delightful surprise!’

‘aren’t you going to introduce us?’

‘i’m here to see the famous baltimore bird sanctuary and cheese castle.’

‘everybody reminds somebody of someone.’

‘hold your fire! i’m human!’

‘what are we, giving away free puppies?’

‘i’m late for my... thing.’

‘it’s too busy. i’m exhausted.’

‘think she suspected anything?’

‘you should get into espionage.’

‘you think /you/ had a trying day?’

‘my day was no stroll through the woods— oh, wait. that’s exactly what it was.’

‘i saw him bandaging up a bear which didn’t seem particularly sick.’

‘how many rich bear doctors do you know?’

‘please. don’t tread on my dreams.’

‘is it my turn again?’

‘i don’t want to keep you awake with my restless thrashing.’

‘i wouldn’t mind a little thrashing.’

‘why not remove it from your pocket and let me see it?’

‘are we talking about the same thing?’

#KIND / IN CHARACTER.#KIND / SENTENCE.#revolting people #sentence meme #sentence starters #BASED ON / AUDIO.

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edelgoth · 5 years

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Hi, I'm 2w1 for ennea and (I think) ENFP for MBTI. I am a big nerd (obviously :D) and for hobbies I do MMA, photography, play the Mandolin, love folk music and acting. I like meeting new people even though it tires me out. My humor can be snarky, and I apologize way too much. I am not assertive at all, but do not shy away from difficult heart-to-heart moments. I do try to be there for people and normally see the best in other by default. DA2 or DA:I? & any gender, if you don't mind. Thank You!!

(Hi. It’s that 2w1) I think I for got to mention that I’m female, and I enjoy writing. But, yeah, thank you so much for if you see this!! ( If you’d like, I’d be happy to do a Dragon Age match up for you as well!!) Thank you again.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you have no idea how excited i was to see a dragon age request in my inbox i’m,,, thank you so much! also, it’d be lovely if you did a matchup for me!! just message me!

okay, so i tossed this one up a lot, but in dragon age ii, i match you with…

fenris!!

i think you two have a nice amount of contrast! youhave the sort of personality that’ll help bring him some levity, while he has amore assertive edge

he strikes me of the certain of person to encourageyou to stop apologizing too much; not only have you not done anything wrong, but he has such a clear view of your valuethat the idea that you’re apologizing for nothing doesn’t make sense to him

you’d definitely be the “social point” of therelationship, if that makes sense; fenris is more than happy to let you dealwith other people, but he’s always there when you’re tired at the end ofthe day. he gets it,

he’d like to see your creative outlets, fromwriting to acting, and he’d be very supportive of them; he’s intrigued by howyou express yourself, and would value any extra understanding of you he couldgather from your work. i think he’d also really enjoy it when you played themandolin (i had to look up what that was for this and oh my goodness they’re so cute), and i think he’d be especiallyfond of the folk songs that had a story to them?

just imagine him resting his head on your legs withhis eyes closed as he listens to you pluck away at a laid-back tune,,, bless

i feel like he’d enjoy getting involved in mma withyou (or the thedas equivalent, depending on how you’d like to think of thismatchup), and it could be a good way for him to get more comfortable with beingtouched by others? that’s something he has to work through in a relationship,and while mma certainly isn’t intimate,it could be good practice? i have No Idea where this tangent is going, B U T itgives him a) an opportunity to get competitive for fun, and b) an opportunityto be close to you

fenris had a pretty good sense of humour, and ithink you’d bounce off each other quite well here. his humour is moreunderstated, so he’d like your snarky side

but at the same time, i think being with someonewho has your outlook would be a good thing for him; he struggles with pessimism(with good reason), and he’s naturally distrustful (again, for very good reason). having someone whosaw the best in others would help remind him that things are okay, and that oneday, maybe things will get better

also, since you like meeting others, i feel likeyou’d help him get out of the house more? he has a habit of cooping himself up,but with the joint efforts of you and varric, he might see the light of day (orthe streetlights) just a little bit more

i think something else that’d be invaluable wouldbe your ability to have those difficult heart-to-heart conversations. fenrishas a lot to work through, and knowing he had someone with who he could behonest and vulnerable with would be precious. it would take him a while to getcomfortable with that, the dialogue you two would be able to have would helpyou both grow as people

and when all’s said and done, he’d try to be thatperson to you, too. i think a lot of people forget that fenris is a deeplycompassionate person at his core, and he wantsto connect with people; it’s just hard for him to really express thosesides of himself. but, knowing he was with someone who treated him with thekindness and patience he needed would inspire him to return that with attentivenessand care.

i love him so much thinking about him has made meemotional hhhhh

alternative matchups

merrill: she was actually the first person i thought of, but i just felt more passionate about fenris tbh. that being said, i think your relationship with merrill would be quite different to that described above; you share the propensity to see the best in others, and you’re both very kind people. i can see merrill missing a lot of your snarky humour (to varying degrees of endearing), but she’d be as equally invested and supportive as you are. you’d have a very open, honest relationship, and it’d be the kind where you never went without affirmation and affection!

varric tethras: honestly i can’t can’t quite put my finger on why i think you two would work well together, but this is a great match in my mind? varric is very different from the other two, but you guys would have a great rapport. you have similar senses of humour, artistic inclinations, and you both care a great deal about people. i think that while he definitely seems a tad more cynical than you, i think you’d understand each other very well. also, i think you’re the perfect mum for the kirkwall crew? and honestly, what else would varric look for in a partner?

your inquisition matchup is under the cut because Big Yike guess i got carried away and this post is getting ridiculously long

in dragon age inquisition, i match you with…

josephine montilyet!!

i… love her so much i cannot put itinto words… and i think she would really love you!

first of all, kindest couple? you bothwant (and do) to see the best in people, and I’m guessing that extends to theworld in general, as well? josephine wants to make the world a better place,and you seem like the sort of person who can help her do that

also, beloved socialite couple! part ofher job is literally meeting new people, and she’d love taking her with you todo that. You’d flit through all those parties hand-in-hand, and she’d know exactlywhen to take over when you got tired

okay but josephine would want to takeyou everywhere with her, tbh. expectto travel the world with her, and whenever you meet anyone she knows, she’sdefinitely the sort to say “hello nice to see you have my met my partner? no? well, let me tell you—” before going ona long ramble about all your best qualities

your biggest fan, without a doubt. whileshe may not understand the wrestling (and certainly isn’t going to take partherself), she’ll be there cheering you on!

also loves seeing your creative work! she’senraptured whenever you’re on stage, she gets emotional when she reads yourprose (or poetry!), and she marvels at your ability to capture the beauty of theworld around you. It almost gets overwhelming tbh

she’d love your mandolin so much!! as anex-bard, she’d obviously have a bit of musical knowledge hidden in those puffedsleeves of hers, and she’d delight in hearing you play

she’s not obviously nerdy, but I feellike josephine is a naturally curious person? Because of that, she’d lovehearing all about your interests and your hobbies, and would always have a cleverquestion to ask

she has a very stressful job, and she’dgreatly appreciate having a partner with whom she could be very honest and openwith. knowing she could be frank about her feelings with you would take amassive weight off her shoulders

you’d have a very good dialogue withone another, and it means that you don’t let things get bottled up or left tofester; your relationship is a very safe, comforting place for both of you, andit’s something you’re both thankful of!

and she’d be your biggest support too! josephineis a very emotional, loving person, and you’d never have to doubt how she feltabout you; she’d always be telling you how much she loves you and how much sheappreciates you

josephine is too good for the world andwe don’t deserve her,,, please duel for her hand in marriage and give her lotsof love

alternative matchups

blackwall: while he’s less bright than josephine, ifeel like the things he’d value in you would be the same. he’d appreciate theway you saw the best in other people, and i honestly think your lifephilosophies would be quite similar? i’m assuming here, but it just reads thatway to me. i feel like blackwall’s also very affirming, once you work out howhe shows love. he’s not as affectionate or overt as josephine, but he’d be justas supportive, once he felt secure in your relationship. he’s just a Good Man, youknow? it’s just going to take a while for him to relax and open up.

iron bull: okay so things would be very, very different withbull. your personalities would bounce off each other quite well, and ithink you’d be that couple that’s always laughing about something. bull would be the toughest nut to crack when it came toemotional openness, but i think he’d get there eventually. like fenris, he’dtell you that you don’t need to apologize so much. he’d teach you how to bemore assertive, and you’d teach him how to see the best in others. your ways ofseeing the world are more different than all the people listed above, but ithink that’d make for a really interesting relationship?

side note: i knowyou didn’t ask for a matchup for origins but,,, you sound perfect fororigins!leliana? softest couple

#dragon age matchups #matchups #fenris matchup #josephine matchup

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oursensoryworld · 5 years

Text

The Introduction

Hello Tumblr

My name is Jessica

I am 32 also a single mum with a beautiful 4 year old son. Ok so just a warning my grammar is horrible so please be kind. lol I always wanted to write a blog but never had the confidence to do so. Except for today.. When I thought to myself stuff it!! Maybe someone wants to listen to me talk crap, or is going through simular things. Needless to say I need an outlet. OK!

For the point of this introduction, I will start with when my son was 9 months old, and what happened after that.

We all lived in a beautiful little beach town. It was truly paradise! I would ride my bike to work some days, and think to myself how did I get so lucky.

Now you are probably thinking why would you leave then?

I moved back to my parents house after getting home from work one night, and my sons father was drunk again. When I got home He was hostile and dangerous. I tried to kick him out to sober up, but he told me that it was his house and I had not right.

I couldn't take one more second. Called my dad to get my car and I was on the first flight out with my son.

At first It was a welcome move. I was so happy to have the support that I needed. I had been working 40 hours per week plus the house and baby care. My son would wake at least 7 times per night.

Oh dear lord it was horrible. Did I mention the constant crying unless he was being held!

sounds like most babies right? that's what I thought, just normal motherhood not to worry. Just suck it up I would tell myself.

Through the heartbreak of leaving my sons father, I slowly picked up the pieces of my heart, and tried to glue it back together. Many nights of wine, and crying were had by me. its kind of funny now when I look back on it.

At the time though WOW!! What a mess I was.

Little did I know the other struggles, that I would soon be faced with, would test me much more than a little break up ever could.

Still took me 3 years to move on from loving my sons dad though.

So here I am ready to begin again. I found a lovely family day care for my son to attend while I went out to look for work. Everything seemed fine for awhile, just normal motherhood dramas.

My son was 22months when I got the first phone call, that he has been hitting his head against the wall and the floor. Just banging it!

I was told by his day care teacher that she was worried, as she had never seen a child do this before in all her years of caring for children. So my first reaction was have I done something wrong?

Could it be a reaction to my stress causing my son to react this way? All the blaming myself thoughts came flooding in. I had no idea why he was doing this.

Not to mention, that for some time he wasn't making eye contact, or responding to his name being called.

This wasn't my biggest concern at the time, as he was only little. In my mind, I thought he is just a late bloomer.

As my first and only child, I didn't have any thing to compare it to.

I thought he will just grow out of it, or it would just go away.

I took him to Many Drs for their opinions. Most said the same thing. “could be an ear infection, or sinus problem so don't worry too much”

His day care teacher, and my mother sat me down and said “we think he has Autism” My first response “What he is only 22 months old! how can you know that he has autism when he is so young. I didn't believe them, or want to. So I ignored it and continued on.

My son celebrated his first birthday, it was a happy day. it was 40 degrees that day, but we were prepared. There were 3 kids pools, and plenty of shaded areas.

This is when I noticed little difference's in my sons behaviour and other children, of same age, or even younger. For instance the eye contact. The way they would look engaged with their parent. The way they played with other children, and not alone.

Its really had to describe, and probably a poor choice of word but, a maturity difference is the way I would describe it.

As he grew, he became very violent towards me, and other children. Always biting, hitting and throwing toys across the room was a daily occurrence. It became difficult for him to stay in family day care, for the safety of the other children.

It was insane, I tried to talk to him, I took advice from what felt like a million people. Drs, parents, helplines, support groups you name it, I tried it.

I would say to my friends, How could a child that gets so much love be so aggressive? I was googling one day as you do, and I came across a well known clinic that specialises in children with Autism.

I took him to the Dr again! This time feeling confused and hopeless. =( At home I would cop at least 50 punches, and several bites all over my body everyday. So it was go time!!

I got the referral, and we went to the Clinic.My son walked in and was on his best behaviour of course. lol

She sat and played some games with him, the whole process went for about an hour. She then sat down and talked to me.

The first thing she said, still to this day sticks in my mind. She said “when I first met your son, he seemed to be fine for his age. As the games went on, I noticed lots of things that are very concerning”

She then explained to me what her findings were. Have you ever noticed that when you are playing a game with him, when he runs into a bit of trouble, he will pull your hand to grab what he needs. Without words and no eye contact.

I replied sure. All the time.

She then told me many more things, that I will go into detail in other writings. I was speechless..

Now I love my son the way he is, and have nothing against Autism. At the time though I was uneducated, and when the words fell from her lips,

“ I believe your son has a significant Autism”

My jaw hit the floor. I asked her what does that mean for him? then said, I thought that was normal. I thought a lot of the things he did were perfectly normal.

I use the word “normal” as just a word, not an indication that I think my son or any person on the spectrum isn't normal. Just thought I would put that out there, in case your reading this thinking (bitch please! who are you calling not normal) lol

The feeling of not knowing what to do when you have just received that in her clinical opinion, and feeling so alone.

I got to the car and just cried. The main thought that ran through my head, was just worries for my darling son. Worrying will life be hard for him. What do I even do with this information. Who do I call for help? should I call for help? I racked my brain trying to figure out the answer.

I just felt like I was sort of going in circles.

One of the major turning points for me was.

I was at the Drs one day, and my son had a massive meltdown. He bit my shoulder so hard he drew blood. The pain was so intense, it startled me so much that I dropped him. I still feel so bad about that!

I don't know what came over me. I started whaling and crying so much, in front of everyone. I curled myself up in the foetal position right in the middle of the surgery floor. As my son just walked around the surgery like nothing had happened.

Now when I think of that tragically embarrassing moment, I just laugh.

The receptionist came over to me, she was this little old lady. She wrapped her arms around me.

She gave me the biggest hug, and said “its ok darling, your doing a wonderful job”

That day I got the referral to my local hospital, to see the top childhood Dr

I was very relieved. I would get some answers! For a second opinion, and this lady is apparently the top Dr

We arrived at our local hospital. Now as you may have guessed, or have experience with.

My son is not one for public places and sitting still, he can usually sit still for a total of zero seconds. So when making an appointment its helpful if the Dr is running on time.

This was not the case! she was running 2 hours late!!

I kept asking when is it our turn? I chased my son around the hospital at least 6 times. We got asked to wait in an outside locked space because he was screaming so loudly. it was a nightmare!! My anxiety was through the Roof..

The looks I got from other patients, Its like I could hear their thoughts as the glared at me with their judging eyes and cats bum faces.

All I could hear was, cant control your child, or what a little shit or such bad mother!

You name it! I heard it.. Without anyone of them saying a word. You know the expression a look can say a thousand words, or something like that.

We finally!!!!! got called in, at this point he was over tired and so was I.

The Dr was an older woman with short blond hair. She spoke with an almost regal tone to he voice.

I thought this woman will have the answer for sure. She asked me a series of questions, and examined my son. I was truthfully scared to answer some of the questions, in fear of more judgment.

In hindsight as a mother, we tend to blame ourselves for the silliest things.

I have later learnt its called mothers guilt. Its a bastard of a thing. Anyway getting back to the Dr visit.

Sorry about that little tangent, I do that.

She said to me have you ever heard of a disorder called ODD? I replied No.. What is ODD? She said it is an acronym for something called Oppositional Defiance Disorder.

WHATTTT!!!!!! Now I was angry! I said to her, I came here for help! Not for you to give my son a made up diagnoses.

I then asked her, so how do I fix this ODD? She said there is no cure. What do you mean there is no cure?

She suggested to a program called the PPP Parenting course. That will give you coping strategies, you can learn as a parent, thus in turn help you to control your boys ODD. um NO!

If it was that easy why the hell do you think I'm here!!

Do Drs like you get off on this just giving a child that doesn't quite fit a made up label? Or telling parents that they need to do a parenting program! in order to fix a Neurological disorder. WTF... lol

I practically ran out the door, I couldn't believe the absolute BS I had just been fed. I was driving home shaking my head thinking the nerve of this woman.

I will say this again, its so funny looking back on all of this, its the kind of funny that you laugh and then cringe.

I got home, got my son out of the car, as he is pulling my hair out of my head. =(

So far I have your son has sever autism, and some made up Disorder. well at the time I thought that (speaking in past tense)

So what did I do? I will tell you.

I did what any normal parent does, ask Dr Google =)

Slowly typing in the search bar (What is ODD?) As my finger presses down on the enter button, I am then bombarded with Youtube vids and pages and pages of ODD info.

At this moment I'm like WOW, ODD is really a thing. I feel dumb now. Awkward for me, But holy shit this doesn't look fun. No offence but ODD sucks! I mean that with much love to parents out there. Its in short , everything you say your child fights you. They are violent and just exactly what its called.

I could keep talking and writing for days, but I will wrap it up now with a to be continued!

If you read this and this and this is where you are at in this moment.

I want you to know you are not alone. I wont lie, the road is a long and tough one. if no one has told you your doing a good job. YOU ARE DOING A GOOD JOB. XX Part 2 will come shortly, let me know what you think? be kind lol

Take care. From J

#autism #sensorydisorders #ODD #singlemums #parentswithkidsonthespecturm #lifescurveballs #mystory #sensorykids

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estuarries · 7 years

Text

baby’s first liveshow commentary

hello lads i have decided to attempt doing @nihilist-toothpaste inspired video commentary/write up/review thingies!!!! welcome to ramble-y fun time

phil’s liveshow on august 10, 2017

his smile in the first minute makes my heart so happy i love him so much

i love the eye-tongue-eye emoji stop being mean to it

he’s a bit late bc he just finished filming a new ap vid!!! it took him longer than he thought it would to finish filming bc he was rambling. this is a #relatable brain thing

“i just said goodbye and now i’m saying hello again!” wrt filing and then doing a liveshow makes me rly happy bc i wouldn’t have thought abt it that way. i love phil’s brain

new vid clues: paper bag(?) and bubble wrap. amazingphil asmr part ii??

dan’s not joining the liveshow bc he has a headache but phil’s gonna hop into dan’s next one

closed eyes and happy gesticulation whilst telling sleepy-morning “unexpected window cleaning man frightened me” story

phil’s fight/flight/freeze response is freeze

“imagine if i had decided to make breakfast naked! ...if i was that kind of person…” its okay m8 we know u like to make nakey bro brunches w danyul

are the emoji pants the only pair of graphic pj pants he has now ??? why are they being featured so prominently lately ???? phil IS an emoji is the only phnnie conspiracy i can support now

in the ap vid phil did SCIENCE and REACTED TO THINGS (chemistry . reaction . hehe :3)

he’s out of tv shows to watch ….he and dan have watched so many series together over the years ..... i am emotional

phil hasnt watched in a heartbeat EITHER !! BLASPHEMOUS BOYES!!!

re: rick and morty. i strongly agree and it makes me so nervous that rick burps all the time i cannot focus on whats happening in the show bc rick gives me so much anxiety

he misses the cherry blossom tree in thehowlter’s front yard and they are hopefully going to put it in when they have money

“you’re all like dan! not everything has to be symmetrical!” thank u for these affirmations that not everything has to be perfect thank u for being chill. a chill phil.

“i dont mind a little bit of wonkiness!” “i’m at a bit of a wonk!” “is the entire house wonky?” the only real phil branding is ~WOnKy~

phils hands are so beautiful???? i love them?????? @ 8:50ish

him trying to figure out his best side and saying “one? or two?” as options like at the optometrist when ur getting ur eyes checked.

someone in the chat: “both!” phil’s cheeky grin/”don’t flatter me!!!” response

someone in the chat: “side three!” i snort laughed along w phil this is truly Good Content. dark!phil RISE

phil doesn’t think he really has a bad side and his easy neutrality wrt his physical appearance is dreamy. i love him and i love that he’s comfy w himself like this

phil had an eye infection and this is the first day he’s been without glasses…… why does he glasses-bait us like this …..

it’s really hard for him to concentrate with dilated pupils so that’s why he was being a wee bit wonky in the last liveshow

his eye is no longer infected and is “white and ready to see!”. the tone of his voice, his accent, and the phrasingof that reminded me so much of my british grandma who i havent seen in a few years and now i want to call her i miss her

wicked was “as the kids say...Wicked.” I SNORTED AKLHFAEIHKF

also i cannot believe that he and dan used the same silly phrasewhen talking about their opinions of wicked. is it still #copyrightinfringement if its your bf blatantly enterprising ur intellectual property?

phil was feeling a bit meh going into wicked but now he’s converted and a fan

he loved defying gravity :(

phil: every audience is important! me: crying

phil loves coming-of-age/college/highschool aus … Me Too

phil remix: the top fans to the tune of mad world “all around me are familiar faces...lillyphanstuff, joteleena…”

he’s had “mad world” and also that fuckin. ditty song stuck in his head

“...is one thicc bih - NO!” is the best thing ive ever heard

im so sad that phil hasnt experienced the joys of ditty. apparently he doesn’t have it downloaded and doesn’t really know what it is

14:07 is my new ringtone (he sang the ditty tune in “doot doot doot”s)

“bandicussy” IM DEAD

phil thought it was a good family activity to see dunkirk but it made his parents very emotional bc his maternal grandad was in the war

making your entire family cry is apparently the phil way to entertain

neither he nor dan understood the timelines of dunkirk upon first watch

after filming his ap vid he sanitized using vanilla cupcake hand sanitizer

he watches zoe’s bath and bodyworks candle/lotion hauls??????? ME TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

apparently b&bw has some ~priiiicey~ candles. phil is the coupon clipping, consumer reports reading dad

he said that livestreaming games on dapg would be “dope”. i am reminded for the millionth time that he is a 30 year old white man. i am moderately uncomfortable.

jk it was someone in the chat who said it he was just reading the comment

“hi to the ‘phan’s moving boxes’ group chat”

facterino according to the nature man on tv: in england nature has decided that it’s autumn already. this is evidenced by blackberries coming out in august. because fall isstartingso early they’re expected to have a harsh winter but its fine bc he is excited for snow!

some climate change discourse

he’s not a big doctor who fan but his fav doctor is david tennant

he’s excited for the “lady doctor” and i’m uh. not a huge fan of that wording

23:02 pre-sneeze noises and hand motions are Delightful

apparently it’s southern england peeps who pronounce scone with a hard o (scOHne) and northerners pronounce it with a soft o (scAWn). phillu doesn’t know which pronunciation he uses

my mom grew up in cornwall (and moved to america when she was a teen. i’m american btw!) and pronounces it the northern way. we’ve had the scohne vs scawn debate!! lots of #britishfamilythings in this liveshow

philly homework motivation song @ 24:52

his first response to ppl being sad about school starting in a week is to calculate how many seconds are in a week so they can re-frame their time left in a way that feels more plentiful. i love this ???

i also really love how he tries to read premium messages from different people every time. idk that’s just really thoughtful and as a fan i really appreciate it

he knows that black makes him look good …. GOodBYe

today is world lion day!

phil is the one who puts the funny/random holidays on the dnp calendars. of course it was but im still so happily surprised

doinganap’s sicth/sixth discourse

he’s reading people from the chat’s bdays and telling them what funny holidays are on their birthdays! i love how he finds different ways to get ppl in the chat involved every liveshow. i appreciate him so much !like yeah i know its a marketing thing but let me pretend its solely phil’s care for us

he wants to go back to japan

he can’t read or edit and listen to music at the same time! me neither

someone asked what a good pet would be and phil went on a lil tangent about how it’s important to have enough time to take care of the pet you choose!! dont get an exotic pet or a breed of non-exotict pet that requires a lot of time, money, or energy to care for it if you’re not at a point in your life where u can take care of it to the best of your ability! <3

hedgehogs are one of the most common animals in the uk??? what the heck?

he can’t remember whether or not he’s seen a hedgehog irl so he texts mum lester to ask <3 why is this the sweetest thing in the world . like seeing a hedgehog irl would be an experience that his family facilitated or even if he was moved out when it happened it would have been so exciting that he def would have told kath about it. so any way it happened she would know about it. my heart is Warm.

he’s not a huge summer candle burner but as soon as it’s september he’ll be on the pumpkin spice train

mum lester texted back and apparently his grandparents had a family of hedgehogs in their garage and his granddad built them a little hedgehog house to hibernate in :( wow!

phil might play shelter 2 … with dan. No Thank You. let us have some phil-only time plz

shelter 2 is more of an autumnal game so he might do it later when he can cozy up with some cocoa and herd the badger babies

he feels a coffee buzz after five (5) chocolate-covered coffee beans. r u sure u even drink coffee phil????

rye bread is worse (in phil’s opinion) than regular bread and is ”claggy”. i busted out laughing and texted my mom IMMEDIATELY bca LOOOONG time ago we were at a family christmas party with my dad’s extended family and all of the Adults were playing scrabble. my mom ended up spelling claggy and everyone else was like THATS A MADE UP WORD WHAT THE FUCK!!!! and my mom was like ???? no its not? my dad’s family is from the eastern us and had never heard the word claggy before and i remember my dad giving my mom shit about it for YEARS afterward because she caused such an uproar. idk if it was a regional thing or if americans just don’t say claggy but REGARDLESS. my mom and i had a good laugh over this description of rye bread and we both love phil

he’s nervous abt what dalien is going to look like and become as he grows up. phil’s general reaction to dalien has been one of caution and nervousness and idk ?? someone more thoughtful analyze that please

his advice for making the most of the last bits of summer: do something you haven’t done before! immediately after bestowing upon us this Wise Advice he giggles and becomes self aware of his parental tone. Our Dad Is Becoming Self Aware

he doesnt swear around his parents?????? my mom says fuck all the time :0

2018 calendar and season two pastel plushies are in the works!

he’s singing another song to list the top fans. suggestions include toxic, the ditty tune, and the tetris theme. he goes with the ditty song and starts laughing in the middle of it so makes a seamless musical transition to toxic

if everything recorded properly with his new vid we should see it in the next few days!

he hopes that we have a lovely weekend and that whatever we end up doing brings us a bit of happiness :( i love him thank u phil

tiny little bonus song after he covers up the camera. schrodingers phil.

all in all i love phil’s liveshows and this has been the highlight of my day. thank u for reading!

#mine #commentary #amazingphil #phil lester

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thestylesproject · 7 years

Text

#49 Cactus Messages (Harry Styles)

So, this is different. I seriously pray you like it.

Word Count: 2,900

Summary: Harry meets a girl who gives him a cactus and leaves. But, there is more to the cactus which is sharp, strong and resistant.

---

I had no idea why I was here. The world around me felt hazy and I, I just felt numb and empty. Empty yeah, that’s how I felt. It was an empty world with no emotions, and at the moment, I felt like I was giving too much of myself into it. My girlfriend broke up with me, saying she was too insecure in the relationship and that I was too much. Whatever that meant, and a week before my step -…and it just felt numb. I still was here though, I had no idea what an outing would get me. I get to at least mourn for a little while, instead of roaming like a hyper butterfly. Whatever that meant.

“C’mon Harry, just a coffee?” Jeff repeated taking a sip of his.

“Fine, yeah, coffee,” Faster I get over with this, faster I can leave. I need a week off, no a month off. I don’t have a month off.

“Excuse me,” Jeff called for someone, “A Cappuccino, please.”

“Alright, could I get you anything else as well?” I looked up at the girl. Her voice…it was so soft.

“No, that will be all, thank you,” she nodded and walked away. “Look, Harry, I am going to cancel everything for the next week. But, I would be lying if I say I can for more than that, especially with the movie coming out.”

“Yeah, I know. Give me a week first. Please,” I said. I knew I looked like shit. I couldn’t get myself to look normal. Normal was annoying me now. Everyone at home was acting normal like it happens every day. Trying to maintain calm, control…And now, that I am in London, I don’t know what to do. What can I do this time to heal? I was so lost.

“Here is your coffee, and this is the sugar,” the waitress came back and placed the coffee on my table. This was a tiny coffee shop here, not many people came here, at least during the mornings. Residential areas were usually quieter. I hated this. My mind just ran in a random tangent before coming back and being numb again. “Umm…” I looked up and met her eyes. She wanted to say something.

“Do you want a picture?” I asked, like a machine. Like a machine, Harry. Your fans have done nothing. Jeff looked up as well, about to send her away.

“Oh no, I just wanted to say…I’m sorry for your loss,” She gave a small smile, “and…here,” I put my hand forward, and she put a little cactus plant which was in a box in my hand.

“A cactus?” I looked up, and Jeff giggled. She nervously moved her legs, before straightening up.

“Yes, they are strong, they hit, don’t die and take care of themselves. They are good friends. I hope you feel better,” she nodded and walked away, leaving me to stare at this plant. I looked up, and she was back behind the counter not giving this table another look.

“Okay, what I was saying was is that I am here, Harry. To take care of everything, so you don’t worry,” Jeff continued as I heard him, my mind still looking at that cactus. He kept talking, and I tried my best to keep a straight face, drink my coffee, stay calm. He stopped when a jumpy boy and his mother walked in. Too small was this place to not notice or be interrupted when people walked in.

“Kiara,” the mother said, “he really wants to have the tea you made for him the other day,” the mother said to the waitress, and she smiled. “He has been telling me since yesterday to make the tea like you make it and I’m so lost.”

The girl giggled, “I’ll make him another one, Mrs Andrews. Would you like me to make one for you as well?” She asked. Her voice soothing as ever, “and would you like a slice of cake with it?” she looked at the boy.

“Yes yes yes!” the boy laughed as he took a seat, pulling his mother with him.

“I’d love the tea as well, Kiara. Thank you. How is your college going? Adjusting well?” She asked.

“Umm yeah, well, I noticed that it is very similar to my previous one, in my own country,” She said, walking out with a slice of cake in her hand.

“Oh really! How so?” The lady asked.

“There you go,” she said, placing the cake in front of the boy as he jumped and giving a quick kiss on his forehead. “Umm, they both kill you slowly,” saying that with a straight face, as I saw her eyes that were actually quite tired. The look left her face as soon as it came, and she smiled again.

“Are you listening to me, Harry?” Jeff called, taking my attention again. “Stay in your house for a few days if you like it. Or go back home, you can do whatever. You don’t need to ask or anything, I’ll have it arranged.”

“Thank you, Jeff, thanks a lot,” I smiled. We placed a note on the table and left by the back door, my cactus still in hand.

---

I woke up to a sweet sound of an instrument I didn’t recognise. I looked at the clock, and it was 8 AM. My head still on the cushion, eyes now wide awake, I tried looking for that sound. It didn’t stop, just repeated the tune over again. It was really melodious and so calming. Searching for it in my entire room and concluding it was coming from outside, I walked out to see it coming from the cactus, that I had placed on the coffee table. I picked up to see a small slit of paper out, and the music stopped as soon as I took it out. Surprised, a small box was capable of being a music system and support a plant and gives out messages. I kept the plant back down and opened the small slit of paper. The words seemed like they were burnt into the paper.

A heart as kind as yours, a love so scarce as yours, a tear so precious as yours should always be preserved. I hope you feel well… xx K

I sat down with the note in my hands, just trying not to cry. It was hard, so hard. Death was so finite. A sentence that was never finished, it’s so unreal. But, what was happening was real, and I knew I had to be strong. Someone had to be strong and, this time I had that position. People kept visiting the house, giving condolences, saying they’re here for me. I wasn’t really worried about me though, it was my mum. She was alone now. And, I knew she won’t shift here with me. Too individualistic she is, and alone.

The week passed faster than I thought it would. I finished work here in London so I could go back to mum for a while before Jeff took me away. I didn’t leave the house. Not even once. I woke up every day to the sweet tone of the cactus, with a note, compelled myself to have a bath, exercise, eat and then work. There was a lot of work pending here in London, and I had to finish that as soon as possible.

It’s funny how people we love leave first. Is it easy to lose things that are important? xx K

My heart will not be on sale again, take it now Sir, I’m yours. xx K

Only you’re mine, everything else is yours. xx K

Some of them I didn’t understand, but they made me think about them for quite some time during the day. For those hours spent thinking, I remember being the happiest. Until the guilt of being happy came back,

Everything is sold here, my darling, please be careful. Find a safe place and fast. xx K

I wanted to go see her again, maybe thank her for this little gift which was my only source of happiness and excitement. My day started with me not looking at the phone but reading my little note. Sometimes, I let it play to just listen to the music. On the sixth day, I stepped out, and it felt like the sun was shining on me. It was in the air that said, everything is going to be fine.

Life goes on, my dear. It makes the rock turn into sand, a transition in its life, all there is to be done is move. xx K

I walked into the tiny shop, looking under the counter as I didn’t see her there.

“Hello Sir, I’m Maria, what can I get you?” a young blonde woman asked me.

For a moment, I couldn’t say anything. To say I was disappointed was not enough. I prepared my speech since I woke up this morning, trying to find the correct ways to thank her, and made sure I came at the exact time as the last to find her here on her schedule, only to not see her. “Sir? ” She repeated.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” I blinked a couple of times, trying to remove the obvious-disappointed look on my face. “Hello.” I looked around the tiny shop again.

“Hello Sir,” She repeated, frowning and looking at the older lady working with her. Two girls sitting in the shop, giggled trying to take my picture, and I nodded towards them, trying to make my puppy face not so obvious.

“I was here last week, and there was this other girl. Um, long black here, till here…” I indicated to my waist, “Um, real soft voice, um really big eyes…she was the only one here that day…” I said as they looked at each other.

“Is there a problem with her, Sir?” The older lady asked.

“Oh, she works here. Thank god!” I sighed, thanking the Lord. “No, there is no problem, I wanted to thank her actually, will she be coming to work soon or?” I asked.

“Oh um, Kiara would not be joining us again.” The younger girl, Maria looked at me with pity.

“Oh, why not?” I asked.

“College students, Sir. They’re never here for too long. She got her internship so, the last week was her last,” the older lady said, putting the cake inside the showcase.

“Oh, um is there any way I can contact her? She did something really kind, and I have to thank her,” I looked at the younger girl.

“I’m sorry, we don’t hand out information like this,” The older lady gave me a smile.

“Please, I swear, I don’t mean to hurt her in any way-”

“It’s just our policy, Sir.” She repeated.

My shoulders dropped as I felt so sad, all of a sudden, “I’ll have an Espresso, please,” I said, handing out a bill.

I sat down near the window, just cursing myself not showing up the next day to thank her. It started raining outside, and I placed my finger on the droplets of water running down. I couldn’t control anything, “Your Espresso, Sir.” Maria placed the cup on my table, as I straightened up. “Your face becomes like a little child when you don’t get your things?” She questioned, “I’m a big fan of yours too, Sir. Check under the plate,” She gave me a big smile and unsuspicious, went behind the counter.

KIARA – +44 xxx xxx xxx9

I quickly slipped the paper under my pocket and nodded once, thanking her. The old woman looked at me and frowned, and I picked up my cup, “Amazing coffee!” and Maria laughed. I didn’t wait for the rain to stop and ran to the car. Locking myself in, I carefully dialled her number. It rang and rang…and rang, but no one picked up. I frowned, but before I dial again, Jeff called.

“You entered a coffee shop asking bewildered for a girl?” He said.

“Hi, bewildered? I was not bewildered! Wait, how did you find out?” It had only just happened.

“Some girl posted it on Tumblr, with a picture of your back and the caption of you looking for a girl, bewildered! Harry!” I completely forgot about those girls in the shop.

“Look, it’s all okay now. I did, and now, I’m out. I was not bewildered at all, I promise,” I told him. And he talked about how I should have been a little more careful because, rumours when it came to me, didn’t die so fast. “I will, I will, I’m sorry.” We talked for a bit, and then, he kept the phone. I shook my head, seeing those girls cross by in front of my car in the rain. Rolling my eyes, I tried the number again. No one picked up.

Okay, one last time before you look like a bewildered creep. She picked up, “Okay, let me talk. I know you called me twice, and I I didn’t pick up only because I’m not in London and back home. This call will charge you loads so I would prefer you text to save you money, okay?” Her voice was as soft, as I remembered it to be. A little hurried, excited at the moment, but the same.

“I think, I will be able to afford it,” I said, giggling a bit.

“Um, who is this?” she asked, with a straight voice.

“Oh, yeah Hi!” I said, trying to make my monotone voice sound a little bit excited.

“Hi…” Her voice wavered.

“I’m Harry?” why was I questioning it? “I came to the coffee shop you worked at last week, and you gave me the um, cactus?”

“Mr Styles…” I could hear her getting a bit nervous, her breathing increased. “How did you get my number?” She asked her voice back to the calm.

“Oh, Maria gave it to me, very nice girl,” I said.

“Oh okay, how can I help you, sir?” she asked.

“Please call me Harry. I’m a friend. Um, I wanted to thank you for um, the plant…” My entire preparation of the speech was ruined just by hearing her voice. “I had a big thank you speech ready,” I said after a while, “it’s all wiped out from my head, now.”

“You’re welcome, Harry.”

“Um,” Why was I so nervous? “Can I meet you in person? Thank you…like in person?”

“Oh, so I’m back home for the next two weeks. Will be back in London on the 24th. I don’t know where would you be then…” she said.

“I’ll make it. Can I keep talking to you?” I asked. Why was I asking this?

“Like right now?” She asked.

“Um, generally...yeah generally.” I faltered.

“Why, Mr Styles?” She giggled.

I smirked, she was teasing me now, but then I just smiled to myself, leaning my head on the head rest. “You seem like safe space,” I said, quoting her notes.

“I see…” I could hear her smiling if that was possible. “We can keep talking…generally…Harry,” she said.

“Alright, I’ll shift to texting?” I asked.

“Um yeah, okay. Were you inside the coffee shop looking for me bewildered?” She asked, chuckling.

“How did you find out?” I asked, sitting up.

“It’s on Twitter,” she laughed.

“I was not bewildered,” I explained.

“It’s okay, I’ll keep our conversations to myself, don’t worry.”

“I was really not bewildered…” I tried again.

“Also,” She said ignoring it. “If you’d like the messages to continue,” She paused.

“Yes! Yes, I would,” I almost shouted.

She laughed, “Okay, so where are you?”

“Still sitting in my car, near the café, why?”

“Oh, splendid! So, there is a little stationary shop right in the block, can you see it?” She asked, and I confirmed. “So, you can go in there and buy papersinalittlebottle sheets. They are a tiny bunch of papers, which you’ll have to replace in the box. One set lasts two weeks only...”

“How do the messages appear?” I asked. “Aren’t they prewritten?”

“No, that’s a secret Mr Styles.” She laughed. “You’ll just have to replace the set. Open the screw and just stack the papers, okay?”

“Okay…I’ll buy ‘em right now.”

“Okay,” she giggled, “my mother’s calling Harry, I’ll have to go. Talk to you soon?”

“Yes, I will text…okay?”

“Yes okay..”

“Alright okay bye..”

“Bye Harry,”

“Bye Kiara…” And she cut the call.

It was still raining, but I stepped out and ran towards the stationary shop. “Hi, can I get the papersinalittlebottle sheets, please?” I asked the old man.

“Oh, more of Kiara’s messages?” He laughed, kindly. Were there more like me? “How many would you like?” He took out a huge packet which had little packets of those sheets. “One or two? There are 14 sheets in this little packet.”

“I’ll buy two of the whole bunch.”

“Son, two packets will last you a year, are you sure you want them all?” He asked, shocked.

“Yes, I’m sure.”

Some love stories are meant to be a little different.

---

Please tell me what you thought about the imagine. I’ll do the messages thing for you, if you like?

Comments?

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Copyright ©theStylesproject 2017: ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. THIS WORK CONTAINS MATERIAL PROTECTED UNDER INTERNATIONAL AND FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS AND TREATIES. NO PART OF THIS WORK MAYBE REPRODUCED OR TRANSMITTED IN ANY FORM OR BY ANY MEANS WITHOUT EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION FROM theStylesproject.

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broken-eyes-to-view-blog · 7 years

Text

If Music Be The Food of Love, Play On.

17/4/2017 Hello again. It’s been a while. I wanted to talk to you about love. Particularly about love when you have sight loss.

If love is blind then sign me up, I’m already half way there. When I was a newly inducted teenager, full of raging hormones, angst and a healthy dose of toxic vampire/human/werewolf threesomes (thanks, Twilight), I never imagined anyone wanting to or being able to love me as me, binoculars and all. People can be fickle. People are shallow and fearful of the unknown. They want an easy ride and don’t want to deal with a “special case”. Yes, people can care and through this care, they will help but care does not equate love and when you are 14, acne ridden, awkward and a modern day Holden Caulfield, love feels like a necessity. Love is a necessity. The idea of love gets embezzled in your head and it digs and digs, wanting to be noticed.

For a while, I became bitter. I built walls a million feet high and just as thick. Hardly anyone saw what was behind those walls. I put up a front. I dealt with the comments and the jeers from some members of my class about being 13/14/15/16 and never having kissed anyone. I pretended that I was okay with it, that the time would come on its own. I was not okay with this.

When you’re that age, all that matters is how boys see you and this then equates to how you see yourself. Boys actively avoided me and so, I avoided myself. I became someone else when in front of the masses. My 3 best friends saw me for my true, dorky self but even then, they didn’t completely clear the walls. The mask was never fully off. I was always subduing some part of me. I was subduing proper, full blown, cheesy romance movie love.

I would pretend that I wasn’t visually impaired, or at least try and pass it off like that. I wouldn’t ask for help, even if I needed it, I still don’t but I’ve gotten better. I tried to draw as little attention to myself as I could in order to be noticed by boys as a future prospect but that can be hard when your face is red and acne is practically screaming to be looked at. (Ladies, don’t put make up on over teenage acne. Trust me.) At that age, your exterior presentation is all that matters and I already had a neon “loser” sign traipsing over my head, I didn’t need to add “disabled” to that. “Disabled” is not a dirty word by any means but when you’re at that age, anything different or stand-out about yourself is a no-go area and MUST be hidden.

But here’s the thing I’ve learnt. Exteriors can mismatch interiors. On the outside, i was quiet, calm and always had my work done. I was the kid who shut up and got on with school, life, everything. On the inside, I was a constantly screaming pile of insecurities. I still am to a degree. I thought no-one would be capable of loving me, of dealing with everything.

I was metaphorically blind as well as literally. Little did I know my “knight in shining armour” had been right in front of me for a while. You came in a mass of black curls, brown freckles and a laugh so good and pure I was sure to be imagining it. You made me feel safe; you never pointed out our obvious differences and were always happy to help. Thankfully, we had a lot of classes together and you let me copy your notes (and homework) if I couldn’t see them. It was all the little things you did that made me realise what love is.Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is reading the tiny menus for me and letting me know there’s a step coming. Love is pure. Love is innocent, not always conventional. However, love is not always easy as we have found out.

Love requires differences to be set aside in order to be helpful. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t come and see you when you probably needed me most. I am legally not allowed to drive, neither is my mum, dad or sister so I had no way to get to you. Part of me wants to think you wanted to be alone, to process everything and a greater part of me was constantly nagging at me to take that 2 hour walk to where you lived and just exist with you. Be in your presence so you didn’t feel lonely. I failed you in that respect and I blamed that entirely on my eye sight and reverted back to my old ways, for a little bit.

I was bitter; you taught me how to be sweet again. I wanted to be better because you made me want to make a difference. To be good to people; to turn my luck around and make it positive. For that I thank you. Too often people see the disability and not the person. You saw the person in me. You saw me as an open book, different. You made me feel as if i was floating. I became indifferent to my difference to everyone because you taught me that loving someone meant loving them for everything, warts and all. I was and am still so in love with even the idea of you and i hope it remains that way for a long time.

I know this is sappy as shit and goes off on a tangent but I suppose my point here is that love truly is blind, for me literally and figuratively speaking. I have thrown myself wholeheartedly into love and I’m in love with the idea of it. It shouldn’t matter that someone has a disability, shouldn’t matter that they’re different. Different is good, interesting, exciting; just like you. when I’m with you, I can do anything. I am uncontrollable, just like your hair. You make me better every day and I wish I had the words to tell you this as often as I can.

Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is warming their feet up in bed and making them tea in the morning when they wake up. Love is small touches and matched gazes. Love is play fights and real fights. Love is strange. Love is pure. Love is inexplicable and deadly. Love can heal. Love is a powerful thing. I know this now. I accept this now. I am worthy of love, the real me. I am no longer imaginary walls and borders, i am myself and I am worthy of love. I am not my abilities and disabilities. I am human, i am a person, I am valid and I am worthy of love; your love.

Yours, bespectacled R

#blog #love #sight loss #sight loss blog #disability #romance #nonfiction #high school #angst #teenage love #teenager #love story #love blog #glasses #writing #independent #long post #text #text post

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g-rog · 4 years

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journal entry #1

Hello

I’ve had a pretty memorable dream last night. Memorable as in the emotions felt very real and the dream felt long. I think in comparison to most of my friends, I remember most of my dreams and I dream a lot. I also appreciate my dreams al lot, I think they are fascinating and I believe they mean more than a mere ‘dream’. Thus, I’ve decided to start journaling my dreams, I don’t expect them to connect dots or change my life right away but I’m certain I will see some sort of pattern or correlation with my dreams and what I’m going through different stages of my life. So here we go.

Dear Dream Journal,

This morning, just before I woke up I had a pretty long dream about dating this guy and falling pregnant with his child. But at the process of falling pregnant and giving birth, etc. I was not remorseful about the situation, I didn’t even really think about how having a child with this dude could affect my life as a 21yo. (In my dream I was the same present me). But once I brought this child into this world, I began to realise how crazy all of this was. I started to panic about what having a child at this age meant. And what having a child before marriage meant. And how young of a mother I would be. And I started asking myself why did I even make a baby with this guy; i surely could not spend the rest of my life with him because he is incompetent; lazy and just not the type of guy I would say is capable to start a family with me. And I was like holy shit; having a kid would be so expensive, I started thinking how can I keep this child but not have to marry this dude. In my dream I had a split moment where I realised is this a dream? And I panicked even more when I realise it wasn’t. (thank fuck it was). But yeah i swear the dream went on for hours; the kid sorta grew up to became toddler size and he/she was really cute. I think it is a He. But I’m not too sure; in my dream I also kept forgetting my kid’s name. But I remember I was so attached to the kid since day 1. The emotions were so strong. And the kid was really cute. I think its name was something along the lines of Archoke. lmao. But yeah I think at one point in that dream I was like no way in hell I’m marrying this guy. But I can’t just abandon this kid. I really love this kid. I think i decided to be a single mum. But yeah mad respect for single parents out there. I truly never realised how hard it is, until I had this dream LOL.

How this correlates to my real life? Last night I was pretty depressed; I’ve been unemployed since corona happened (2 months) now and i’ve been living with my parents. Everyday they’ve been non-stop arguing about money and work. i’ve just been really stressed out. Last night especially, my mum asked me to apply for some centrelink claim but i told her i already did but she just kept nagging me. I just went to my room. And she talked smack about me. She compared me to her incompetent staff. It really hurt. My parents have never been hard on me. But now and again my mum would say things that make me feel incompetent. I know I’m just sensitive. As hurt as I am, i don’t really want to cry about it lol because that just means I’m crying for myself which is stupid. I’ve been trying to love myself especially during these tough times; but i’m really sick of myself right now and i can’t bring myself to do that.

Kinda went off tangent there; But I think how this relates to my dream is that when my mum said all those things. i teared up abit and just have the urge to move out. I think the best way to describe it is: burden. I feel like a huge burden to my parents. My siblings are super successful and they all have their own families now. And all I want is to be able to support myself and not depend on my parents anymore. This relates to me being a single mum in my dream.

Okay that’s all I have to say. I’m starting to question if I should post this or just write it in a book privately lol. Anyways.

Peace,

Your favourite dreamer x

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eyeslikefoxglove · 4 years

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Episode 20 - ChenQing Syndrome & Tangents everywhere

Hello cupcakes, and welcome to episode 20. How’s everyone doing? I hope y’all are as safe and can be. I’m pretty sure I need to sleep for at least 24h because I am exhausted so forgive me if I’m suuuuuper low energy.

On another news I am officially mosquito bait. Yay.

I don’t know if I said so in the previous commentary but I Do Not Vibe with eyeballs so yeah.

Speaking of eyeballs, here is what happened the last time my mum and me consumed a medical drama in public. We decided to go to the cinema to watch The Physician, and in the intro credits there is a tray with a pair of eyeballs by a scalpel and my mum, who’s a GP goes (without lowering her voice of course):

“Those are not human eyeballs, too big, they’re probably cow’s”

I swear the whole row just turned around to give us A Look and I haven’t felt more like a serial killer since I started giggling (again in the cinema) watching Death Proof. So there you have it, I lose my shit when tv doctors do bad medicine and she makes ominous comments that make me want to explain to everyone that no, we don’t dismember people for fun.

Listen, necromancy is whatever, but “Imperio-Ing” people into harming themselves and making them hallucinate by playing the flute is what would freak me the fuck out about WWX ngl. I mean, I know he’s a good egg, but he’s Havana Syndrome-ing this bitch and that gives me chills.

Oh I love this shot of one WWX’s eyes cast in light. Cinematography on point as always.

Ok ok ok I am going to go on a terrible tangent in here. I know that in the book shit was even worse, with the cannibalism and JiaoJiao shoving a whole chair leg down her throat but there’s something that’s always caught my attention. If I’m not mistaken she bit off WC’s dick. Now call it a coincidence that WWX took advantage of, but, because I’m The Worst ™️ it made me think. If I’ve learnt something about Criminal Minds is that you don’t go after someone’s bits unless:

a) you’re a sexual sadist and can’t get off any other way (which WWX is not nor is he killing for sexual gratification)

b) those bits have gone near you when you didn’t want them to and it is revenge.

I mean, same way I didn’t want to make you wonder what WWX ate trapped in a mass grave for three months I don’t want to make you think about this but I need to get if off my chest.

Oh hey, now that I think about it the cannibalism could also be personal because again, they yeeted him into a palace full of corpses where “nothing grows”. God I hate my own brain sometimes.

Did these two just walk up to the front door of the Supervisory Office? I mean, the guards are all dead so it is fine, but that’s one shit strategy.

... that’s one ineffective way of tying a hangman’s noose.

JC IS BEING SOFT WITH WQ OMG!

YOU ARE BREAKING MY HEART. STOP. (Watch me go read ChengQing fics after this is done)

JC: is there anyone more wicked that the Wen Clan?

Me: *takes a deep breath* how much time do you have?

Gotta give it to WWX, the boy knows how to set the mood.

Yup yup I’m cackling.

Go my creepy necromancer son!

(Once again, I cheer when someone gets shanked)

(Once again, assume I’m screaming about the cinematography)

Bless LWJ’s brain cell, I remember when I first watched this being super worried about these two also getting ChenQing Syndrome.

So is the Red Woman an actual entity or is she an anthropomorphization of what he’s doing to them? Am I assigning too much Poe to this scene?

JC and LWJ straight up jumped through the ceiling to save WWX I love them. (But think, if they’ve been slightly slower and WZL had realised there wasn’t a core to melt, oh the delicious delicious canon divergences we could have)

Now that’s an effective noose.

THAT HUG WAS TOO SHORT! AND WWX WAS GOING TO RECIPROCATE BUT JC STOPED NOOOOOO. (Again JC looks like he gives the best hugs)

Misdirecting WWX is misdirecting.

Aaaaaand you can see the PTSD start to rear its ugly heard the second they want to know where he was the last three months.

WWX: *starts spinning bullshit*

JC: *relaxes his frown and eyerolls*

Aw bb he was really worried. I mean, it is still misdirection but I can see how JC inexperienced as he is with trauma (and dealing with his own) could interpret that as his baby brother just being himself.

Aw they’re falling back into being their soft yet prickly selves I die.

Nope LWJ! I know that you’re worried and shit but the last thing you want to do to someone with WWX’s trauma is trigger their fight or flight response by asking questions and making them sound like accusations.

(Also, interlude to say, WWX seems super reluctant to admit he fucked with the talismans, which fair enough, I’m thinking his trauma conga line is probably making him think he’ll get in trouble if he admits it or they’ll start distrusting him. But really looks like simple curiosity to me)

I’m just gonna scream incoherently at my screen because they are doing it fucking wrong.

Me with other fandoms: KISS GODDAMNIT

Me with this one: COMMUNICATE

DRAG HIM (ok GusuLan) WWX. I know LWJ only wants to make sure WWX is safe and healthy and loved but listen, he doesn’t have the full picture, he is still somewhat naive about you know, the amount his idols can disappoint him. Yes, it is exacerbated by WWX raising his hackles and his overall paranoia but; GusuLan is where the Sect Leader and the second in command (I know Netflix calls LQR “grandmaster” but I also know the translation is incorrect) decided that lashing their own family was an appropriate corrective. I’m not even going to go into the genocide victims or the reasons for the punishment but yeah, lashing. It hasn’t happened yet, but the potential is there, and as much of a self-sacrificing idiot as WWX is he must have some survival instincts if he lived in the streets for years, I’m not saying they don’t get negated when someone he loves is in danger, but you know, they have to be there. I think his brain has been *Kill Bill sirens* about GusuLan for a long time and now the guy who lives and breathes by their rules wants him to go back? Yeah I absolutely think it is valid that he thought the “help” he was gonna get would be horrifying punishment to “put him in the right path”. Do I see a fuck ton of parallels btw GusuLan and abusive Bible-thumping religious fanatical groups? Ok yeah, my b probably, but I Can’t Unsee.

And again, I know LWJ just wants to keep him safe and I know he’s an awkward potato but this one is on him. WWX is in no emotional place to play “guess WangJi” and it might make his soul shrivel up and die inside but a Long Conversation should be had.

Ok, allow me to go on another fucking tangent, there aren’t enough already. I’ve seen posts saying that western people misinterpret LWJ’s short and blunt speech (is short speech something you say in English?) as him being awkward/clamming up/not liking to talk when it actually is considered a very elegant thing to be able to get your point across with as few words as possible, because our culture values eloquence. First of all, I’ve seen that point made with the English language, and I’m Spanish, I don’t know if it affects my point of view but we also have the same idea of getting to the point ASAP here, it isn’t like the height of elegance but it is very common. That’s not my reasoning to say LWJ is an introverted/awkward potato, although it influences it. Because I’ve seen the show a few times, and because YiBo is the patron saint of micro-expressions, I’ve caught several instances in which, after pleasantries are done, a stranger tries to talk to LWJ and he get the tiniest “oh shit people want to have a conversation someone save me” look on his face. The most notable one is when YunmengJiang is trying to get into Cloud Recesses.

Just because someone can be a good conversationalist doesn’t mean they actually like to talk to people or be around them.

Bless JC to the rescue.

Btw regardless of me going off about LWJ’s lack of communication it doesn’t mean I’m not side eyeing WWX for unleashing on people who are not at fault for his trauma.

LET MY YUNMENG SIBS BE HAPPY GODDAMNIT

So that’s all for this episode. I’m so sorry for my tangents, I can’t contain myself. Thanks for reading!

#the untamed #cql #mdzs #mdzs live action #foxglove watches cql #foxglove watches the untamed #lan wangji #wei wuxian #wangxian #jiang cheng #yunmeng shuangjie #yunmeng bros #commentary

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doodlepip1 · 4 years

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Fucking driving

Hello. I am going to talk about something which is near and dear to my heart. Which is fucking driving. When I turned 17 this year, I was twitching in my sleep because I finally knew I would be able to get behind the wheel of my new baby.

My birthday is in January and I was adamant, insistent, (and I’m stubborn) I would have my P plates by March. Sorry, can someone remind me of the month? Oh, is it March? Oh, golly I am naïve. Anyway, long story short I drive every day, managed hit a curb yesterday (with my instructor in the car! He wasn't happy), and I’ve failed my theory twice. It’s utter bullshit, I pass the multiple choice every single time. But the devil of the 21st century won’t let me pass through the gates of freedom. It’s called hazard perception. Oh, yes I’ve heard it all, ‘But that's the easiest part, everyone struggles with the questions.’ Oh do they? You judgmental fucker. It’s clearly not, BECAUSE I CAN’T DO IT!! I’ve chucked £46 at this now, along with the £8 app and I’m going for round 3 in 2 weeks, and if I don’t pass this time I’m pretty sure I’m getting disowned. My lovely and supportive mother has already started planning to find a girl who looks like me who’s not as thick as her own darling precious apple of her eye to take it for me. (DVSA don’t come arrest me.) The other highly annoying part is, I’m actually a very good driver. Well as long as:

1) I’m not tired

2) I’m not hangry – check it in the urban dictionary.

3) There aren’t cars around me.

Nah I’m kidding I challenge you all to a race and I’ll win you pedestrians.

Right so now my personal issues are out of the way, I would like to discuss the real issue with driving in the UK. Plus, worth a read because I’ve actually done a fair bit of research in this (like F. Brucey herself would.)

For my masses and masses of followers, if anyone of you who aren’t in the UK here’s a quick explanation of how our shitty driving system works. You either hire an instructor or drive with your parents (or both.) It’s advised to have 47 hours, which is, and I can assure you – ridiculous! Someone I know had 40, (failed on Tuesday sadly, he was going to be my taxi). He didn’t have a car or use his parents though. Purely using his lessons alone. I have got 20 lessons, and I drive with my mum every day, either just coming home from school or we go for hours on a Sunday, (and I mean 6-8 hours!) but we always get ice cream or biscuits or grab a treat from the Lidl bakery which is bloody amazing. Bit risky at the moment though because people’s grubby hands could have touched my brownie and no way am I getting corona off some prick who can’t use the tongs. So, no Lidl bakery for a while.

Completely off on a tangent. Basically in the UK you need to take a theory test which has 2 parts (changing in April though), your hazard perception which is where you watch a video with the view as the driver and you just need to click the screen when you see a hazard emerging. Its scored between 1-5, (the sooner you click the higher mark you receive.) There are 13 videos with 5 marks available, and 1 question worth 10 with 2 hazards. You need to get 44/75. Which is an average of 2.9 per video (rounding to 3). I got 36 both times. It is not as easy as it sounds. The next section is straight forward multiple-choice questions. You must get 43 or above out of 50. This is easy as the questions are all pre released but the hazard perception is not. There are also approximately 500 questions you must learn, (not as bad as it sounds, you just have to dedicate time).

Anyway, driving is nationalized. Meaning it is owned by the UK’s government, (as Stormzy rightly said, ‘fuck the government and fuck Boris’ I am in complete agreement when it comes to driving). The government say you shouldn’t be waiting more than 6 weeks for a driving test. My theory tests were a matter of weeks. This is because it is approximately 15 people to 1 or 2 members of staff as you are using computers in one room. Imagine an exam hall. However, I have been told I could be waiting for a driving test until May or June before the corona virus even became an issue for us Brits. That’s fucking ridiculous. The government states you should wait no longer than 6 weeks for a test. You have to pay for tests, pay for lessons, and then you have to wait. What if you don’t have a car and are needing to pay for lessons so you feel confident enough to drive. (Driving lessons can cost up to £35-40 per hour. Mine are £25 and considered cheap.) I can’t see how that is very fair, but then again, I am blonde, and failed this so-called theory twice, so why am I credible? (If you’re not sensing this sarcasm you don’t deserve to be on my page.) So basically, a piss take.

I understand the multiple choice. I have learnt a lot which is needed and has made me a better driver, ie: road signs, foggy conditions and if there’s animals what to do if they’re on the road but I don’t think hazard perception is a good indication. A lot of the time I notice the hazard before it’s a hazard and then just keep it in my mind. I usually click before it is classed a hazard which is actually why I get poorly scored on my practice tests. I don’t understand by what time you click a screen is relevant to your driving skills.

In Australia you must log 100 hours of driving with an adult and 10 hours of night driving. Then take a practical test. I understand it could be a drag and take time, but I’ve been driving 2 months and have done at least 150 hours and I am not completely test ready.

I have driven to France for my holidays before, and they are pretty strait laced when it comes to driving (to put it nicely. I would say anal but that’s not a nice word to describe something.) But still learning to drive is still much nicer than the UK. The jidst – you have to do 20 hours mandatory driving lessons, which have to be from state approved driving schools. You must be 17 to take the test and a resident of France. However, you can start learning from 15 which is called the AAC, you must be 17 to take your test though. The issue is 20 hours’ worth of driving lessons can cost approximately 1300 euros. The recommended number of hours is 40 but that would be a pretty steep bill! (Sugar daddy anyone?)

Sweden, however, wouldn’t want to take my test there. They have to take 2 risk courses, a driving theory and a practical.

I completely understand safety is important, and a country shouldn’t slack on something as important as driving where 1.25 million road collisions happen a year worldwide. 3287 deaths a day. But come on DVSA please give me a chance, I need to bloody pass. And I need to get a slot to take my practical test before June!

Bye chaps.

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