#literally leave me alone about my diagnosis

[whysoseven]

Hi, I saw one of your posts about being a ‘sociopath’ and was a bit curious.

You mentioned that what that means for you is that you don’t have empathy. I don’t want to presume to know about your personal experience, but ASPD is clinically characterized more by disregard/recklessness than by lack of empathy. Showing signs of a conduct disorder before age 15 is a diagnostic criterion. It’s also a required diagnostic criterion to show “disregard for and violation of others rights since age 15” (DSM-V), showing 3 or more traits along the lines of “failure to conform to social norms concerning lawful behaviors,” “deceitfulness/repeated lying,” “impulsivity,” “irritability and aggressiveness,” “reckless disregard for the safety of self or others,” “consistent irresponsibility,” and “lack of remorse.” Lack of empathy is not a diagnostic criteria (though it can be a risk factor).

I understand that it’s unhelpful to demonize people with ASPD, and that it’s a disorder, not a chosen pattern of behavior. However, I also don’t think it’s helpful to characterize ASPD as simply a lack of empathy, because that can be a sign of something else like autism, NPD, adverse childhood experiences, and even normal human variability.

Sociopath and ASPD are not interchangeable as sociopath is not a diagnosis. I am using it as a reclaimed term, as much of the low/no empathy, high impulsively, low remorse, etc communities have.

And you know what? Let's say I am diagnosed with ASPD for the sake of this argument (I will never ever give my diagnosis out online, as I have stated multiple times, so you will never know what I do and do not have). If someone goes online to talk about one of their demonized symptoms, maybe dont jump their ass for not listing all of their demonized symptoms? If someone is talking about their experience maybe dont jump their ass with "Oh ho ho but my special book says that you, person I don't know, are incorrectly framing it because you didn't list every single thing wrong with you!"

I never once said ASPD is characterized by a lack of empathy, I literally was just talking about a specific symptom I have of a mental illness that is heavily demonized. I even used the term sociopath on purpose because it's not a diagnosis! So people would leave me the hell alone! And instead I get this in my inbox! You and so many others have messaged me, sent asks, or commented on that post with "Well if you have x diagnosis like you say you do then you're doing it wrong" and I literally never claimed to have any of them! And it's a different diagnosis every time! "I don't want to presume to know your experience" and yet you do. You're coming here to school me on a diagnosis I never said I have. You're coming here to dunk and for what? For why? Because a mentally ill person dares say something on the internet about being mentally ill that doesn't perfectly fit what you think it should?

Get off my blog. Go drink some water. Realize that this was pointless and maybe super rude.

#seven speaks #ask #anonymous #anon #literally leave me alone about my diagnosis #its none of your business #literally none #neither are my other symptoms #neither are my experiences #if this was your takeaway #from a post about not demonizing mental illness #then you need to get help maybe

[puppyeared]

who up seeing their disorder in a fictional character but feel like its not their place to put a name on it

#id have to be waterboarded before i can talk abt how i see a lot of my adhd and personality in mitsumi iwakura let alone post it #idk how to talk abt this without feeling like im talking over or invalidating ppls experiences relating with a character #someone was talking abt how ppl tie laios' autism to special interest and social difficulties but not much else which kinda flattens it #and then went into a respectful in depth analysis of other autistic behaviour that laios exhibits and it wasnt phrased meanly #its fascinating and important to me to hear someone explain a little bit abt traits that they recognized and often go overlooked #because it does help me learn more about it. but i think thats also where hesitancy kicks in when it comes to depicting it accurately #like i have adhd and some of my adhd symptoms overlap with autism (time blindness and pattern seeking behaviour) but that only means #it feels familiar to me even without having autism. on top of that traits arent always cleanly determined as being /caused/ by #a disorder. to understand my environment i compare it to something unrelated but similar to make it more familiar and for the longest time #i thought that was a personality thing and not an information processing thing since i loved playing pretend in my head as a kid #so if you make a character who experiences that hoping to reach people that also experience that and tell them its not weird or #smth youre making up like. thats the goal. ppl who dont get it arent expected to it just means it doesnt cater to them but it helps them #become familiar to it yk? since i dont have autism myself i dont feel confident i can depict it properly or explain it in my own words #but that doesnt mean im trying to dismiss it or try and cut it out completely.. ill just leave the floor open to someone who /can/ #a lot of issues around fanon depictions are when smth is baselessly popularized or a characters personality and behavior is flattened #especially to fit them into a trending meme. its harmless and its supposed to be for fun but it gets tricky when you drag things that #need to be carefully explained beforehand or else it gets lost in translation. like that tweet abt 'hyperfixating' on cooking pasta #once it becomes popular language usually the original meaning is left out for the sake of simplifying it for everyone that when it #circles back theres a sort of hesitancy like. am i using it the way it was intended or am i unknowingly using the popularized version of it #actually thats probably why i felt wrongfooted during diagnosis bc it felt like i was misusing the words i heard to describe what i felt #i /know/ i see a lot of myself in mitsumi because our minds are always somewhere else and we tend to put good faith first and for me #that personal connection is enough. but idk it feels like its always gonna have to be 'palatable' first before i can talk abt it openly #mad respect to writers and creators who stick to their story even if theres the looming fear of ppl misinterpreting it and letting them #have it.. its been almost 2 weeks and i am so close to deleting that m3 dunmeshi drawing bc ppl keep saying chilchuck wouldnt have 200 HP #IT LITERALLY SAYS I MADE IT WHILE WATCHING EP 1. I USED EARTHBOUND LOGIC AND I WASNT EVEN TAKING IT SERIOUSLY CHILL #yapping

[mars-ipan]

i keep trying to find a reason for my weird mood i’m in and i just remembered that i don’t need a reason

#marzi speaks #trying to get better at not trying to justify every single mental health thing that happens to me #probably leftover reflex from having to talk to so many people to get my diagnosis #but like it’s ANNOYING when there isn’t a reason bc then i’m not in control >:( #and people don’t take you seriously about it and you don’t know how to begin fixing it #and THEN you realize that you don’t always need to fix every single issue as soon as it pops up #and that sometimes that actually makes things WORSE #i’m literally sitting here like ‘why am i anxious what is the cause’ motherfucker your amygdala just does that sometimes #you have GAD (goddamn anxious disorder) like that is all the justification needed #ughhhhhhh. i’m still trying to find a reason too i’m like ‘am i dehydrated do i need to go to bed’. i NEED to leave it alone #and just let myself be like this for a bit. goodness gracious

[theamazingannie]

Me: Hey, we don’t need negative commentary right now. We need to be more encouraging.

Mom: Well, I guess I’m a terrible mother and am of no use to any of you and I guess you can be your brother’s mom now since I’m so bad at it. *storms off*

Me:

#she also said ‘I guess you don’t need my money for lunch or for me to wake you up in the morning either’ #which like…those are very basic parts of being a parent #she’s literally threatening to just stop taking care of her minor child #because me and him both find her comments about his work ethic to be discouraging #he is the poster child for learned helplessness right now #and i am working so hard to undo all of that #but It’s hard when both of my parents consider it their god given parental right to insult their children #It’s so frustrating #like i so badly wish I could leave and go no contact with them #but id be abandoning my brother too and I can’t leave him alone with them #he was fine before I left for college and now he’s a fucking mess #because he has had no One looking out for him #and It’s fuxking devestating to watch #He’s so smart and so passionate but he’s failing one class and doing terribly in most of the others #cuz he can’t focus and doesn’t see the point in homework #aka is exhibiting signs of adhd #which my parents know he has #he had an official diagnosis and a prescription #but that does nothing when the two people with the lost control over you #are constantly calling you a failure and saying you’re never gonna get anywhere in life #Im so sick of it

[snekdood]

like i really dont think ya understand the severity of the abuse- even aside from the sexual abuse-

i have bpd and come from a home where im not validated very well (obviously, bc thats what makes ppl bpd in the first place). i meet this person who validates me in every way i could possibly imagine or want (love bombing). they pretend to like me so much that they start to become like me and pick up traits of mine they like the most. they know they have a hold over me and power over me bc i didnt know how to validate myself and they were the only source of validation i had. so then they go ahead and start invalidating me and acting like im less of me and theyre somehow more of me. i knew who i was deep down but suddenly i felt unseen again and silenced and pushed into a corner. and then they act like im a horrible person (discarding phase) and serve me an entirely different version of me thats not who i am, but bc i didnt know how to validate myself and was reliant on them (something thats particularly important for this type of abuse to work), it made me question myself and who i was and what i was like and what my intentions were and what my actions were and if i could even trust my own reality all over again when i really didn’t fucking need to since i knew who i was deep down, but they somehow convinced me they knew me better. because i was reliant on them. i dont think you understand how much that fucks with you.

#vent #this is why i kind of find it hard not to cling to the term 'narcissistic abuse' since this is verbatim what happens in that type of abuse. #based on everything ive read. #again. i dont personally think it necessarily has anything to do w ppl with npd. narcissism as a term existed before the diagnosis. #it means someone whos selfish and only looks out for themselves and will do anything for themselves even at the expense of others. #and literally EVERYTHING ELSE people online have said about this type of abuse happened. #the smear campaign. the sending people after me to stalk me and get info out of me. the apparently never leaving me alone as evidenced #by that anon recently. #oh and- cant forget accusing me of everything they did but 10x worse somehow. #if a certain type of abuse can be predicted so well and so many people have had the same experience or similar enough experiences #i dont see why it doesnt deserve its own term. we just have to divorce it from the idea of npd. maybe give it a different name. #because its really not *just* emotional abuse. sorry. #its so much more than that and so much more strategic. #and this is why even though i didnt think of them as being exactly like zero before i still thought of them as being vampiric. #bc they tried to drain me of my energy and who i was. #but nowadays i can really see the similarities. if only they were rich and had institutional power and paid politicans to oppress #minorities. then theyd be the same person. but im not gonna sit here and pretend thats the case. they're similar to him in so many ways but #theyre not the same person. im obviously able to fucking recognize that. #in spite of them pretending like i cant. #now if that ends up secretly being the case... well.... #might be harder for me to divorce them from being similar lmao. #but so far i dont have enough evidence to confidently say that.

[clownrecess]

(Tw for talk of r/fakedisordercringe, ableism, fake claiming, harassment, etc.)

I have had it with r/fakedisordercringe. This subreddit is filled with content that is both ableist and harmful to the neurodivergent community. The posts mock autistic people, systems, people with ADHD, etc. suggesting that people are faking or exaggerating their symptoms for attention. First of all, it's incredibly harmful to assume that someone is faking a disorder just because they don't fit into your narrow view of what that disorder looks like. Autism, for example, is a spectrum disorder, which means that there are a wide variety of ways that it can present itself. Just because someone doesn't exhibit all of the classic symptoms that you associate with autism doesn't mean that they're faking it. (Tell me you're an aspie supremacist without telling me you're an aspie supremacist /hj)

The reasoning that the users of this subreddit often use tend to fall under these categories:

"They don't experience *insert disability* the same way that I do, so they must be faking"

"They post too frequently about their disability, so they must be faking"

"They support self diagnosis, so they must be faking"

"They use xenogenders/neopronouns, so they must be faking"

etc.

Has it ever crossed your mind that maybe not everyone is the same? That not everybody's disability is the same? /nbh

The idea that someone can determine whether or not another person is truly autistic or has a mental disorder based on a few online interactions (or even just a post!) is absurd. Not every autistic person or people with other disorders fits the stereotype of what people expect, and it's not up to strangers on the internet to decide who is "legitimate" and who is not.

As an autistic person, I'm tired of constantly having to defend myself and my experiences. I'm tired of seeing people with disabilities being reduced to nothing more than punchlines for jokes.

A few days ago someone in a youtube comment section accused me of faking being autistic, by saying something along the lines of "Self diagnosed ahh". First off, not everybody can safely access diagnosis. You are so incredibly privileged if you think everyone can. Somebody being undiagnosed does NOT immediately mean they are faking. Second off, I am literally professionally diagnosed.

I am tired of r/fakedisordercringe and the hate, misinformation, and stigma it perpetuates.

Leave disabled people ALONE.

#tw fakedisordercringe #tw ableism #tw fakeclaiming #actually autistic #pro self dx #rant #neurodivergent #nonspeaking autistic #autism #aac user #nonspeaking #disabled #disability

[gold-snek-hoe]

Hello and welcome to Opinions from an Internet Nobody. Today's essay:

"Ger therapy" is the new "You need Jesus": One Weirdo's Navigation through Cultural Shame

This is a supposedly well-meaning sentiment that is often weaponized against people who are behaving outside of perceived cultural norms. It's a favorite of homophobes who see queerness/transness as a mental illness, but I've been seeing it used to demonize kink (which historically is often linked to queerness), and more generally any "weird" behavior that makes people uncomfortable.

For example, otherkin, systems (especially those with fictives), and people who take fictional characters as partners. Y'know, "weirdos" who "can't separate reality from fiction." And, sure, sometimes there can be a problem with that distinction, but I know as well as you that most internet strangers saying "get therapy" don't actually give a shit about the mental health of those they target. It's code for "your behavior makes me uncomfortable, stop it."

Same sentiment as "you need Jesus."

This has actually taken me a long time to figure out. I've been in therapy for my entire adult life, working through various traumas, severe depression, anxiety, all that. Those were the biggest problems as they negatively impacted, and often endangered, my life. It was only after my hospitalization in 2020, where I was finally put on much needed medication, that I could start to grow into myself.

I changed my name. I top surgery. I came out as polyamorous. I finally got my official autism diagnosis. Now I'm fuckin' married! But... there are still things I'm working through in therapy. Mainly, shame over my "weirder" behaviors. My current therapist has been a huge blessing in helping me accept the things I was too ashamed to admit.

Now, I feel comfortable enough to share.

I'm otherkin. Always have been. My connection to my humanity is tenuous, and I'm sure that's connected to my autism. When mad, I feel phantom horns sprouting from my forehead. I have a tail that swishes back and forth at the base of my spine. In my soul, I am monstrous, and years of therapy has not erased that.

I feel like I'm only half in the physical world most of the time. This doesn't hinder my real-world success (I graduated college Summa Cum Laude, have an IMDB page, and am on my third book), but informs the way I look at the world. There's a whole other universe in my head that hums along with me in my day-to-day. That's part of why I'm so skilled as a writer. To ask me to divorce from that is to tell me to stop existing. Sorry, it's how I've always operated.

Lastly, and this is the one I'm really anxious about, I have a fictional husband. Now, looking at my blog, you might say "yeah, no shit," but I don't just ship myself with him. I mean I practice pop-culture Witchcraft, and the Goblin King is my patron. I mean I have a Labyrinth-themed tarot deck that I talk to him with. I mean I held a ritual to spiritually marry him. Basically, I Snape-wived myself.

And guess what? My therapist isn't concerned. It's not hurting my ability to live my life. I have other interests, hobbies, and goals outside of him, which he actively encourages in all our tarot sessions! I wouldn't be doing this if he didn't support me. My IRL spouse is usually there for whatever magical shit I'm doing, and supports me! Some of my closest friends know, and the only complaint I've gotten is "this guy seems important to you, I wish you told me sooner." Hell, my MOTHER knows and supports me, which is huge, because our relationship was pretty damaged after I came out as trans.

If you have a problem with the way I live my life, when literally nobody else does, take a good long look at why. You don't give a fuck about my mental health. You just don't like that I'm weird.

Tl;dr: My mental health is better than it's ever been since embracing the weird, so leave me and my imaginary husband Marak Sixfinger alone.

#essay #in this essay i will #and then i did #the hollow kingdom #goblin king #marak sixfinger #actually autistic #pop culture witchcraft #otherkin #fictional husband #snape wives #this is my life #therapy language #bullying #mental health #discourse #tw suicide mention #fictives #y'all just hate weirdos #just say you hate neurodivergent people and go #neurodivergent #vivid imagination

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for bad-mouthing my boyfriend’s toxic family?

(🐈‍⬛ For me to recognize my post later)

I (20f) have a boyfriend (21m) who is physically disabled and still currently living at home with his parents for a while as he tries to scrape his savings together to move in with me. This wouldn’t be an issue, if his parents weren’t immensely transphobic (he’s trans) and outright abusive towards him. Despite having an official doctor’s diagnosis for ALL of his issues, both mental and physical, they just?? Like to pretend that he’s completely able-bodied, and that he’s making up his issues “for attention” (<- something that they’ve actually said to him)

My bf isn’t ready to leave the house just yet because he doesn’t want to feel like a burden and wants to be able to support himself without my help, despite my constant offering and support, but this ofc just means that he’s STAYING in that house, and it’s clear that it effects him really negatively. He’s improved a lot since I’ve met him in high school, but him being in that house is just. Awful for his health, his self esteem, literally everything. I guess I understand his reasonings for not leaving (he’s on his parents’ health insurance, his dad’s a vet so he gets a ton of money off his college bill, he’s got a little sister at home that he doesn’t want to leave alone, etc etc), but at the same time, I fucking HATE his parents, more than I’ve ever hated anyone in my life. He’s such an amazing guy, but I’ve seen him reduced to panic attacks just on their words alone, and it’s awful and I hate them.

I’m also very vocal with this hate. I tell him all the time. Whenever he vents to me, or mentions something awful that his parents have/had done in passing, or tries to excuse their behavior, I will tell him point-blank that I hate his parents and that he needs to leave. He gets incredibly upset whenever I say stuff like that, however, and has asked me multiple times to quit it, but it’s just so hard to see him loving them so fiercely when they literally only give him the bare minimum in return.

The reason for this post at all is because I started going off on a tangent about two days ago when he managed to escape (he has to ask for permission every time he wants to go out) to my place to destress and have a small date night, and I specifically asked him how his parents had been treating him recently because he’d been pretty quiet about it. He got really quiet and eventually told me that they keep adding really weird stuff to do for his household responsibilities (ex: dusting the UNDERSIDE of tables??) and that they’re now threatening to take away the things he loves (his phone, his books, his DOOR) if he doesn’t keep up with the new workload, which is especially hard because, again, he’s DISABLED. Well this pissed me off, because they’ve done shit like that in the past and it never ends well for him, and I started talking about how much his parents suck and how I wish he would just leave, and he got really quiet and just said “I think I’m just gonna leave now” and just. Left

In the aftermath, I feel awful about it. We’ve texted a few times since then, and he says that he’s okay and that it was fine, and how he just needs to get over it, but it’s very clear that he’s still upset by it and just trying not to make it a big issue. I know that he hates it when I badmouth his parents, but I genuinely do not know any other way to get it into his head that he needs to leave as soon as possible, if only to save his own health. I love him so so much, we’ve been together since high school, we would die for each other, and we’ve been through so much that not very many couples have had to go through, especially not at our age. I sincerely just want the best for him, and this feels like I could open the topic again and try to make him SEE, but I’m just worried that I might have upset him this time in a way that he might not be able to get over.

Sorry for this getting so long, I just feel very strongly about it and I want to know if I’m the AH here and should lay off, or keep trying to make him see that he just needs to get out as soon as possible. So tumblr, AITA?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[ravennaortiz]

37, 31, 35, 1, 17, 13 with Happy (shocking, I know! 😋)

Angst with a happy ending. He cheats, doubles down, but eventually realizes he's a complete idiot and goes to grovel.

Make it hurt before you make it better!

You want a Happy story?!??! ( LOL) .Mam! The way you have me clutching my pearls with this one! Though my brain has the perfect idea for this! I left it a bit open for interpretation at the end. As always 18+.

Prompts

37. who was that?

31. Jealous?

35. Don't touch me

You hate me

17. I love you

13. I promise

Stepping out

"Thanks again for picking me up Tig" you stated as you followed him into the clubhouse. "Not a prob-" started Tig before he caught sight of Happy making out with a blonde on of the couches. Stopping short he tried to usher you back out the door but it was too late. Your eyes had already clocked your husband. Your heart dropped to your stomach as you watched him stand up and carry her back to the dorms. No doubt in your mind what his next move was going to be.

"I'm so sorry" murmured Tig as he moved nervously from foot to foot desperately wishing Chibs or someone else was here. "No need to apologize. You're not the one cheating on your healing wife" you replied as you blinked back the hot tears. You refused to be further humiliated today. "Let him know I'm waiting outside" you stated as you carefully walked outside to sit at one of the picnic tables.

Too think that he could so easily throw away ten years of love and memories was unimaginable to you. The tears poured hot and fast as you waited for him. You had stayed loyal for every lockup, run and hospitalization. The thought of stepping outside the vows you had written each other never crossed your mind. You had always thought of him as the stronger one of you two. Obviously you were wrong since he couldn't even handle your going through a hysterectomy and chemo without going to get his dick wet in someone else's pussy.

You had shouldered the diagnosis alone for the most part. Happy had gotten distant right around the time the doctors said your chances were slim for survival and if they did manage to get it all irradiated you would never bear your own children. That had ripped through you worst than the cancer diagnosis. The two of you had been so close to a little bundle of joy four times. Each time ripped away due to club bullshit.

By the time Happy was standing in front of you anger had completely taken over. "Who was that?" you snapped as you watched the woman tear out of the clubhouse and to her car. "Why? Jealous she knows how to please a man?" replied Happy as he crossed his arms and stared you down. Your harsh laugh shocked you both before the sound of your hand across his face echoed in both your ears. Without another word you stormed off.

Happy stood watching you go. His cheek stung as did his heart. "Docs told her she was all clear. All she talked about on the drive from Lodi was how excited she was to tell you" stated Tig from the clubhouse door as he lit a cigarette. "You know your an idiot right?" questioned Tig as Happy pushed past him back into the clubhouse.

Four days later

"I told you to get your shit and leave" you snapped as Happy stepped into the house bypassing his belongings on the porch. "I just want to talk" stated Happy as he stood in front of you his eyes full of sadness. "Literally nothing to talk about Hap. I'm done. I wont sit here like Gemma, Donna and Tara and be made a full of by a scumbag man" you stated your eyes ablaze with an anger he had seldom seen in the years you two had been together.

"Please" pleaded Happy as he reached out to you. "Don't touch me!" you screamed as you knocked his hand away. "You don't deserve that privilege anymore." you continued as you balled your fist at your side. Happy shrank back some before tuning his eyes down to the floor. "You hate me. I understand" he whispered as tears pooled in his eyes. He had not only lost the battle but the war as well. "No. I love you still and that is so much worse than hating you." you replied your own voice cracking with emotion.

Neither of you spoke for several minutes. Happy finally nodded and got on his knees in front of you. "I promise it will never happen again. I also promise you that was the first time it has even happened. I was scared of losing you." pleaded Happy as he looked up at you with tears streaming down his face. "I think its best that you lose me for awhile Happy" you stated as you stepped around him and exited the house.

Want more Happy? Click here

Want to see how to make your own request? Click here

#sons of anarchy #ravennasmasterlist #ravennasrequest #soa fanfiction #soa fanfic #soa #happy lowman #happy lowman fanfic #happy lowman fanfiction #happy lowman x reader #sons of anarchy fanfic #sons of anarchy fanfiction

[painted-bees]

Good question(s) and I'm nervous to answer cuz it’s a lot it but lemme try my best to finally hash this out into words.

Mental health stuff regarding personality disorders under the cut.

So, Raf's diagnosis is paranoid personality disorder, which is characterized by severe mistrust towards others driven by paranoid thinking. In Raf's case, he genuinely mistrusts the notion that anyone actually loves him or cares about him as a human being, and that people go only through the motions of pretending they do in order to exploit him; fear of being abused is implicit.

He spends a looot a lot of time and emotional energy trying to determine what specific people want from him--initially so that he could interact with them in the 'safest' way possible. Sometimes that meant telling them flat-out that he will not do/provide the thing he suspects is the other person's goal (with the intention of making them leave him alone), or (if it's someone who's company he likes) he'd deliberately attempt to give the impression that there's a chance they'll get what they want out of him--for as long as he is able to until the 'inevitable' falling out. His inherent mistrust and desire to avoid getting himself hurt meant that while he had a lot of nice acquaintances, he had basically no actual friends.

Raf generally, to anyone acquainted with him, just comes off as a very aloof, quiet, and private person with a busy personal life that everyone else is simply on the outside of. He goes out of his way to preform kindness to anyone he interacts with, regardless of the situation, because relentless amiability was always conditioned into him as a core trait of his curated persona growing up, and--yanno--it's worked very well for him. But also because--he doesn't fall onto the default belief that all people are bad and unworthy of kindness. "No one actually loves me" hadn't become synonymous with "everyone is a bad person". It just meant that "everyone will eventually be bad to me if given enough time".

This was his unchallenged reality from late teenagehood until some several months(maybe even a year or so?) after he had graduated from university and moved in with his uncle. His uncle recognized that Raf was very skittish, anxious, distrustful and prone to 'jumping to the worst possible conclusion' about certain things--which would often lend to some very tense interactions. His uncle, however, chalked this up to Raf having grown up under the thumb of an extremely manipulative, emotionally neglectful, exploitative mother. The situations where Uncle Bill would have to calmly and patiently prove to Raf that he wasn't gaslighting him over his wildly inaccurate assumptions/interpretations had become a more and more common as their relationship otherwise grew more and more warmly familial.

Things came to heads after the realization dawned on Raf that his uncle intended on using him as the ticket to win his mother's endearment. If Bill could successfully deliver Raf back into his mother's grip, that would easily be currency enough to convince her to reinstate Bill as a core member of Ephrem Records--thereby ending his uncomfortable estrangement with the family. And Raf would be back to living his life as his mother's preforming puppet; no autonomy, no control over his own life, no rest, an absolute nightmare.

Raf had grown too comfortable and complacent--his uncle had given him literally everything, from a place to stay, to a job that treated him well, to all the space, peace, and quiet he wanted, and with absolutely no obligation. Raf didn't have to work, he didn't have to pay rent, he didn't have to do anything he didn't want to do--uncle Bill had been willing to accommodate it all. Uncle Bill had once 'admitted' to Raf that 'guilt' was a factor motivating his charitable kindness. It hadn't quite sat right with Raf at the time--and now he knew why.

And, when it was made plainly obvious to Bill that Raf wasn't sticking around just to be hand delivered back to Monaco, Uncle Bill continued the charade, offering to provide Raf the car and cash he'd need to move as far away as he wanted to be. And--it wasn't until the morning after his first full day of driving across boarder into the states, on his intended route to Mexico, that Raf got into the car, sat there...and remembered that his grandmother, the largest financial owner of Ephrem Records, had been trying to entice his Uncle back to Monaco, back into the family--non stop--for years. Bill could go back literally any fucking time he wanted to, with or without Raf. And, Bill hated his mother--or so he was consistent in suggesting as much. Why would he want to endear himself to her in a manner that played to the traits he disliked about her?

Raf called up his uncle, tried to make head and tails of things over a long conversation over the phone, and--upon...not quite having enough shamelessness to straight up ask if going back to his place in Vancouver was ok, his uncle offered Raf the option to return--on the sole condition that he'll accept psychiatric help. With hesitation, Raf agreed to it.

Raf would consider bolting again a handful more times over the next few years, and each time, the 'situation' would pass with no horrible consequence for stubbornly electing to 'wait and see'/, or 'resigning himself', instead of repeating his mistake from the first time. It left Raf feeling more and more convinced that he cannot trust his own perception. Between this and therapy, Raf became pretty adept at not saying/doing anything that would be acting upon his suspicions/fears until he's had time to dissect the situation and get a second opinion from a designated person of trust--specifically, his uncle.

Basically, for better or worse, Raf has decided not to trust his own reality when it comes to his own (specifically negative) understanding/'interpretations' of his relationships and interactions with others, and has instead elected to replace it with whatever his uncle's is (a position of trust that Magritte eventually inherits). Raf figures his life is basically in his uncle's hands anyways--considering he's convinced himself not to leave Vancouver (he -did- move out into his own apartment, however) and has repeatedly resigned himself to being "cashed in” for whatever personal gain his uncle might be gunning towards with him.

AND SO, to finally answer your question ahaha: when Raf outwardly vouches against someone's character with as much straightforwardly committed plainness as "If you hire that guy, I will quit", that guy has committed a transgression that is awful beyond any reasonable doubt.

This is also why, as Raf and Magritte became more and more friendly over the course of their weekly jam sessions, Raf suddenly going chilly and quiet on her was a recurring problem she began encountering with more frequency.

At the core of his instincts Raf will always, beyond conscious thought, believe that people can only see him as an exploitable resource and will, without fail, harm him accordingly. But--there's now a layer of increasingly thick vellum that's been laid overtop of that core--a contradicting truth that's been asserted to him, that he is being asked to put more stock into and to internalize. He slips up, there are many many times where he doesn’t catch himself on time, or is feeling too strongly to employ meaningful countermeasures. When a situation aligns in a manner that allows his paranoid thoughts to really sinks its teeth into him, he can still have catastrophically ugly, fear-driven moments...but he's been working really, really hard to manage it. He wants that lightly obfuscating vellum to become so thick that it's opaque. He wants to believe that what Uncle Bill and, eventually Magritte, say is real is real. He can't trust them, but he will anyways. He has to believe that love is an action--a deliberate choice, and if love’s an action then so, too, is trust. Because regardless if they can really love him, he has decided that he really loves them.

And the reality can reward or punish him for it as it sees fit to do so. An endless frightened loneliness is worse than dying.

#long post #sorry if this makes no sense I tried my very best haha #Hi-Note #rafael

[kasunex]

There's a popular theory in the Coffin fandom that Ashley Graves has Borderline Personality Disorder. As someone who does not have BPD myself but has known people who do very intimately, I have some mixed feelings on this diagnosis.

Supporting this theory, Ashley is certainly impulsive, fears abandonment, has low self-worth, and an unstable sense of self. Those are all certainly signs of Boderline.

However, my doubts come in with some of the other criteria.

First off, Ashley arguably does not go through idealization/devaluation. Her opinion of anyone who isn't Andrew is permanently one of devaluation, while her opinion of Andrew is pretty consistently idealization - though even there, it's not really the same as common with BPD. Ashley isn't afraid to criticize Andrew. She knows his flaws, she just doesn't seem to care. People with BPD tend to see those in idealization as literally flawless, and they also switch between the two extremes, seeing the same person as flawless one day and worthless the next. Ashley, meanwhile, seems pretty consistent.

Similarly, people with Borderline tend to have trouble maintaining any relationship. They meet someone new, they idealize them, they get very close very fast, then they go into devaluation and push others away. If this alone isn't enough to destroy the relationship, the fear of abandonment means that they very often "preemptively" leave others.

This doesn't seem to apply to Ashley. Again, she has never been shown to latch onto new people. She seems pretty fixated on Andrew and doesn't seem to care about any other appealing opportunities. She also has never tried to "leave" Andrew, nor has she threatened to do so.

Then finally there is suicidal ideation, and maybe I'm forgetting about something, but Ashley has never struck me as particularly suicidal. If anything, Andrew seems the more suicidal of the pair, with how he romanticizes the thought of them committing double suicide.

I'm curious as to what others with know on the subject have to say, but personally I have skepticism on the idea.

#Random Thoughts #The Coffin of Andy and Leyley #Ashley Graves

[kanmom51]

Firstly, I wanted to say I love your page and appreciate your honest perspective when it comes to BTS and jikook in particular. I am an “older” Army and can appreciate the viewpoint of someone who’s lived life a little and has seen many types of relationships. It’s very hard to not realize there’s something between JK and Jimin when you’ve seen examples of it time and time again in your own life or those around you. So thank you for making me feel less crazy!

I haven’t followed your page for very long and realize you may have touched on this in the past, but I was wondering what your thoughts are on this: Could V sometimes bringing up Jungkook/Jimin together or separately (usually Jungkook…let’s be real) and mentioning that they’ve hung out with him or seemingly being “encouraging” of a certain ship, possibly be his odd way of trying to distract from the real relationship he knows exists between jikook? Like in his own special Teahyung way be trying to help? For a long time, there has always been something that didn’t quite sit right with me when it came to V. I think it was his constant need for attention….don’t get me wrong, I love many things about him as well and know he can’t be very sweet and thoughtful and funny and endearing. I love them all very much. But am wondering what you think about V sounding like he sometimes encourages a taekook ship (ie, the last surprise live at JKs house or the live where he mentioned gaming with JK) because maybe in his own special way, he’s trying to protect? He does tend to do things in a very unique way. I don’t know! Let me know what you think!

Hey @sweetbslm108, welcome and thank you.

And hi @nut2019 😊

Now, I know both of these asks are kind of on the different sides of the spectrum, but I kind of felt like they can be answered together, because of the one communality, and that's, but of course, Tae THE MAN.

Also, before starting I need to say this is all my opinion. Take it or leave it.

I think I kinda talked about this here a bit too:

Let me just clarify what Tae shared in his IG story yesterday @nut 2019. It was a photo and a clip taken on the night after the movie premiere that JK and Tae went to, which was the 24-25 April 2023 - which as of today is 3 weeks ago. It's clearly that night and it's also clear it's not a date or an outing of the two alone, but a group outing with Tae and his friends (a couple from the Wooga squad and a couple I personally do not recognize). Yes, he posted it on Yellow day, but clearly has zero to do with that day.

I don't think Tae is encouraging the ship, but as an agent of chaos, he might be enjoying the aftermath of his handy work, maybe a little too much, lol.

Look, let's get serious here for a sec.

I love Tae to bits. I think it was even in one of the comments to the post I linked that someone mentioned thinking he's neuro divergent, and I was going "YES, FINALLY", because I've been saying this since forever. I'm no psychiatrist, so obviously I won't be handing out a diagnosis here, but, that said, his behavior, his quirkiness, his lack of understanding social queues and others emotions at times. The way he just says what pops to head, no matter if it has anything to do with the subject, and no matter what the consequences might be (take his 2015 radio interview fiasco literally outing JM on live air).

Tae is who he is. Always has been. And we all need to remember that the others all love him. All of them (including those we tend to champion). They might be frustrated with him at times. Angry with him. Might want to end him at times (from what JK spilled about the dumpling fight I kind of feel that was one of those times, lol), but you know, we all have those days with our loved ones too, so yeah.

In any case, whatever it may be, since the hiatus Tae has started to move in a certain recognized pattern that many Jikookers aren't happy with.

I understand the frustration that not only Jikookers have with him when it comes to that (and I'm saying that Tae stans are also feeling it). It feels like he lacks the energy to give to the fandom, interact with them, and maybe he feels that by dropping JK's name or posting a pic or clip with him he's making them happy (obviously aware of how much JK is loved), all while he obviously also is well aware of the chaos he's creating by doing so (claiming that he doesn't is a little naïve). It's kind of a minimum work maximum impact situation.

You are right @sweetbslm108 about Tae's mind being different to ours, it feels like his thought process is on a different parallel level. It's not by chance that JM called him his alien, lol. But saying that, I really don't think that this is his twisted way of going about protecting Jikook. I, personally, have no issues with him mentioning JK if it's part of the natural development of the conversation, kind of like he did during his live a few weeks back in the car. Doing so while talking about this and that, maybe also mentioning the others. They are good friends and clearly have gotten closer over the last few months (I'd say them being left for last and JM being MIA for JK did that), and it's natural they spend time together and it's great if he let's us know about it. But why only JK lately? That's what I keep asking myself, because he's not the only member he's in touch with or spent time with in the past few months. And coming live for a few minutes and dropping JK's name for what seems so purposeful, so much so that I've seen several Tae stans complaining about it. Because it doesn't feel natural. It doesn't feel like he's coming to talk to army or update them.

And I feel like it's ok to criticize him, criticize his behavior.

JK himself (there I go name dropping) said they are only human, which they are.

I keep saying it too, human beings with feelings and wants and needs, not 2 dimensional characters like many fans see them as.

And as such, they are not infallible. And they are definitely not beyond reproach.

And saying out loud, sounding said criticism, it doesn't make you a hater.

We criticize our loved ones, reprimand them when we feel they are doing wrong, and we do it out of love. So what's the difference here?

It should be part of the open discussion. Those who think it's wrong, those who don't, all respectful, no hate.

NO HATE!!

We don't do hate!!!

We love all 7 members.

We might feel more of an emotional connection with some rather than others, but we love them all, each in their own way.

And if I wasn't clear about it, then that includes Tae, even if sometimes he does things that might be infuriating.

My daughters can infuriate me at times, doesn't make me love them any less. Also doesn't stop me from letting them know I don't agree with their behavior.

I will end this by saying that we are all different people, we come from different backgrounds, different places in the world, different professions or schooling, different upbringings, different cultures, different life experiences, just different. All those are our baselines. The things that make us who we are, what we think, what we do.

And being different, all gathering here, voicing our opinions, talking to each other, hearing each other out, that will, at the end of the day make us better people. I do believe that. Being able to listen to one another and at times allow ourselves to be convinced one way or another, that makes us better.

Bottom line:

Tae is an agent of chaos. We love him, even when said chaos he is causing can be infuriating (and the thing is, all he's doing is mentioning his friend or posting a pic of them together, but it's what transpires from that due to mainly I-army that irks us so much).

We are also allowed to call him out on it.

No hate. Period.

Have a civil discussion.

You can voice your opinions here, as long as it's respectful and without hate. Not towards the members and not towards each other.

#ask

[neroushalvaus]

wouldn't it be funny if catpeople had a tumblr.. imagine the discourse

🐀 poorlittlemeowmeow Follow

I hate online dating. "I'm 💖birman💖" okay so you have blue eyes and won't take your white gloves off, hard pass

🗣 cfaroyalty-deactivated30112027

Cat breed girlies are worse than horoscope girlies istg, they will fuck up your house and be like "I can't help it, I'm a norwegian forest cat :3"

🧸 dollybutch Follow

I think y'all are being mean. I find it helpful to disclose that I'm a ragdoll before the first date so my date won't find it odd when I go limp in her arms :(

🐀 poorlittlemeowmeow Follow

Girl what the fuck

5881 notes

🙀 wongmau Follow

pour one out for us top catgirls, it's rough

🪆 daddywarfucks Follow

Not as rough as bottoming for you

🙀 wongmau Follow

Uncalled for

67,8 t. notes

🗣 cfaroyalty-deactivated30112027

I hate these new tumblr words for nonbinary catpeople. "Catjoy", "catswirl" fuck you, those words are so childish and cringe

😼 booper5000 Follow

Yeah, they are childish but some of us are literally kittens, leave us alone??

🗣 cfaroyalty-deactivated30112027

Could someone drag this baby away by the neck. I'm a tax paying, litter box using adult catperson and I don't have to think about your kitten feelings.

🫗 catjoyswag Follow

So if those words are cringe what do you suggest we call ourselves? Catcitizens??

😼 booper5000 Follow

Omb i love catcitizen. Like it's the French revolution.

��� cfaroyalty-deactivated30112027

You are a bunch of weirdos.

🫗 catjoyswag Follow

Weep about it, catizen cfaroyalty

🫗 catjoyswag Follow

We did it catnetizens

562 notes

😾 shitlitter Follow

diagnosis: calico catboys are valid!!

🏳️‍⚧️ catnipple Follow

Thank you, Dr. Shitlitter.

10 t. notes

🐾 sewercat Follow

OMB I WILL BE FUCIGNK ToniGHT

🐾 sewercat Follow

Beetyful women fuck me please

🐾 sewercat Follow

COCK IN EVERY HOLE

🐾 sewercat Follow

TITS IN MY MOUTh

🐾 sewercat Follow

pLeas

🐾 sewercat Follow

MEOOOOORRWWRRR MEOWWWWRR

🐾 sewercat Follow

Give m3 a strap prwtty babygirl an I make your dreams come true kitten pLE ass plese plea

🐾 sewercat Follow

PSPSPS HEEERE PUSSYPUSSYPUSSY

🐾 sewercat Follow

sorry guys i got the heats i'm normal again

101,8. t. notes

🪄 equallycunningwithdice Follow

Andrew Lloyd Webber wants to be one of us so bad. You will never be a catboy, Sir Andy.

🪄 equallycunningwithdice Follow

He has started wearing a hat like he's hiding something underneath... c'mon bro we all know you don't have cat ears there, be fucking serious

7701 notes

😹 fifeme Follow

character i can't shut up about... blorbo from my meows

87 t. notes

🍃 lostinthesauce Follow

I love partying with non-catpeople.

"Let's be careful with the weed, it's illegal", they whisper.

Meanwhile me, with my bong full of catnip,

8491 notes

#dashboard simulator #dash simulator #catboy #catgirl #idk what tags catpeople use #long post

[pleasuremehere]

Masturbation 101: A Guide for People With Endometriosis

Sexual pleasure is a sore topic for many individuals living with chronic illness—this is especially true for people with endometriosis (myself included). This is because, for many of us, sex almost always results in pain, and not in a good way.

Endometriosis drove a wedge right between me and my soon-to-be-husband. Before my official endometriosis diagnosis, I couldn’t bear the thought of sex—let alone masturbation. Instead of reaching out for help or communicating this pain to my partner, I kept my mouth shut and "dealt" with it. That silence eventually turned into resentment and I regularly thought about how much I hated him for using me (and for acting oblivious to what was going on). But, how could he know? I hadn’t said a word.

My silence eventually led to a disconnect — I became physically and emotionally unavailable, to him and to myself. I didn’t want to believe that I was “broken,” so instead of dealing with the issue head-on, I ignored it. Until one day, I snapped. I had a complete breakdown; sobbing, I told my partner every gut-wrenching detail, from lying in the fetal position on the shower floor to fuming with rage while he slept next to me.

Opening that line of communication was the first step to getting my life and my relationship back to where they needed to be. My diagnosis led to the validation I needed to accept that this may be an issue that I’ll have to deal with for the rest of my life and that acceptance taught me how to be an advocate for myself and for others.

What Is Endometriosis?

Endometriosis is a chronic, inflammatory condition in which endometrial-like tissue grows outside of the uterus. This tissue can grow literally anywhere in the body, including a person’s ovaries, fallopian tubes, and the lining of their pelvis.

Endometriosis can also grow within the bladder, bowel, and rectum, among other areas of the body. The only place endometriosis hasn’t been found is the spleen.

Endometriosis lesions grow only to break down during menstruation. But, because this tissue isn’t within the uterus, it has no way for it to escape. This trapped tissue then becomes inflamed, causing scars, cysts, adhesions, and a lot of pain.

If this tissue grows behind the vagina or becomes stuck between the vagina and the front of the rectum, penetration can pull or stretch it—which can be extremely painful. There are ways, however, to manage the pain and repair your relationship to sex. And, you may want to brace yourself for this: Sometimes, this reunion (between you and your sex life) starts with the OG form of self-love: masturbation.

Take Charge of Your Sex Life

In celebration of Masturbation Month, I’ve created the ultimate masturbation guide for people with endometriosis. In it, you’ll learn how to fall in love with yourself all over again, have an orgasm sans pain, and take charge of your sex life. This may seem like an outlandish claim, but trust me—I’m living proof that there is hope for your sexual independence. I also included advice from some of my favorite experts in the sexual health and wellness space.

Read: 8 Tips for Having the Best Masturbation Month Ever!

Be Open and Honest

Being open and honest with yourself and your partner is a great first step to take to get things back on track. This means paying attention to your pain points (i.e. vaginal penetration) and then discussing those issues with your partner and your doctor.

“Whether it’s solo or partner sex, you can improve your sex life by being open and honest,” says Megwyn White, a certified clinical sexologist and the Director of Education at Satisfyer. “It’s also important to be in constant communication with your doctor if you’re experiencing changing symptoms during sex or masturbation.”

Living with endometriosis can leave you feeling broken, sometimes in more ways than one. It’s important to remember that you have a right to sexual pleasure, too. Once you’ve made that realization, you’ll be able to create a pain management and intimacy plan that works for you.

“Sex with endometriosis can be incredibly painful and can lead to a disconnection between self, pleasure, and sex,” says Kate Balestrieri, a licensed psychologist, certified sex therapist, certified sex addiction therapist, and Founder of Modern Intimacy. “There is an element of powerlessness that often accompanies endometriosis and the pain that can accompany sex as a result. To reconnect with sex, the first step is to take your power back.”

Reconnect with Yourself

An issue that I struggled with was breaking the cycle of chronic pain, also known as anticipatory pain. Endometriosis is a whole-body condition and pain can very quickly become the only thing your body knows. So, if you’re used to being in pain either before, during, or after sex, your body will begin to anticipate that pain.

“Anticipatory pain can be especially challenging. Consider working with a sex therapist or sex coach as it can be a safe space for you to talk about your endometriosis and your sexuality while getting support from a qualified professional,” says White. “Having someone outside of your friends and family that can offer you specific suggestions and techniques while also letting you vent can be a wonderful way to get your power back and tap into your sexual mojo.”

If you’re not into the idea of talking about your sex life, keeping a pain journal is a great way to determine what works and what doesn’t. In it, write out your triggers, track your menstrual cycle, and make notes of the positions you tried and how it felt.

Explore your Body

Don’t try to do too much at once. Go slow and learn to appreciate yourself, your body, and the pleasure methods that work for you.

Read: 7 Ways to Incorporate More Lube into Sex With Yourself (Including CBD Lube!)

“Sex is a whole-body experience,” says Balestrieri. “By emphasizing the other aspects of your body, you can create pleasure on a multisensory scale, making penetration one of many options you can consider when you’re feeling sexual, but not the only option if it’s too painful.”

"You can create pleasure on a multisensory scale, making penetration one of many options."

Here are a few ways to get in touch with your body:

Set the mood. This may sound cheesy, but hear me out: Lighting a candle, putting your pet (if you have one) in a separate room, and turning off all distractions is a great way to really tune into yourself. I like to shut my bedroom door and lay on my bed completely naked after a long, hot shower. Something about the warmth of the shower and the security of knowing that I won’t be interrupted, rushed, or pressured helps me reach orgasm. The most important thing is that you’re comfortable. So, do whatever you need to in order to create a safe space where you can just be yourself.

Stimulate your mind. Your mind is a powerful thing. After all, it’s your mind that’s keeping you from having sex in the first place (refer back to anticipatory pain). “Titillate your mind with flirting, sexting, erotica, porn, and whatever turns you on and gets desire stirred in your body,” says White. “Make it a practice to bring your mind to what specifically turns you on as it will help to strengthen the connection of desire in your body.”

Make time. Setting the mood works, but only if you have time to do it. Try setting aside time for yourself during the day or night. Who knows, the anticipation of it all may have you eying the clock (which can make for an exciting and steamy solo session).

Get a massage. “Massage can be a great way for you to get the support you need to help in reducing the often-accumulated stress inside your body,” says White. “It also gives you the opportunity to be empowered in expressing where your body needs relief and positive touch.”

Find a lube you love and use it! Lube is an amazing thing. It’s honestly one of the reasons I fell back in love with sexual pleasure. A few months before my diagnosis, the thought of sex would send chills of terror down my spine. Once I was able to relearn what pleasure means to me, I was able to take control and overcome my fear—lube (in addition to CBD suppositories courtesy of Foria) had a lot to do with that!

Consider acupuncture or acupressure. According to a 2017 study published by PLos One, acupuncture can alleviate the pain of endometriosis-related dysmenorrhoea (menstrual cramping). “Acupressure and acupuncture can also be incredibly good at supporting the flow of energy within your body that can often stagnate when you have chronic pain,” says White.

Experiment with Toys

Vaginal penetration isn’t the only way to get off. In fact, according to a 2017 study conducted by the researchers at the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University in Bloomington, 36.6 of vulva owners need clitoral stimulation to orgasm.

With that being said, if you need or want to reintroduce vaginal penetration into your sexual repertoire, there is a loophole: the Ohnut. The Ohnut is an intimate wearable that allows you to control penetration depth. It consists of four interlocking rings that are designed to go around the base of your partner’s shaft, a strap-on, or a dildo. (Quick note: do not attempt to use the Ohnut without lube. You will regret it.)

Read: Sex Toy Review: Ohnut Penetration Buffer

I’ve also added quite a few clitoral sucking vibrators to my bedside collection, including the Satisfyer Love Triangle, Tracy’s Dog OG Clitoral Sucking Vibrator, and LELO’s Sona 2 Cruise (this one can get a little intense, so I’d only recommend using it when you’re fully prepared and relaxed).

“Experiment with sexual wellness devices that focus on areas like the vulva, clitoris, and G-spot,” says White. “The clitoris is not only a key to pleasure stimulating, but it can also be helpful in reducing pain by almost 50% according to new research.”

Learn to Love the Real You

Every person on this earth is unique, and every individual with endometriosis has their own story to tell. It’s up to you to accept those differences and to work on feeling confident and secure with your feelings.

“Avoid judging yourself! It’s important to know that you’re not going through this alone and you shouldn’t feel any shame,” says White. “It’s normal to feel anxious and insecure, but this could play a large role mentally and create even more tension within yourself. Address these feelings and try to talk it out with your doctor, loved one, or another individual that can empathize.”

“Avoid judging yourself! It’s important to know that you’re not going through this alone and you shouldn’t feel any shame.”

#endo #endometriosis #endometrioma #endo safe #endo friendly #healthy relationships #dating #aesthetically pleasing #aesthetic #women’s health #womens health #female health

[pjo-obsessed-nerd]

sometimes valentines day really sucks lmfao i was talking to a guy 2 weeks ago, we made plans to go on a coffee date, and see a movie, and then he ghosted me. i had to go to dillons for my dad, running on 2 hours of sleep, already overstimulated, and walked into a crowd of 20 ppl all around the florist stall (which is directly in the way of our pharmacy, my destination), and then a guy came up and stood less than an inch from my back to reach for a flower that was behind my shoulder, so i started panicking. When i tried to leave, more people had come in so i literally could not get to the front doors without touching over 3 ppl at once. I literally ran out of the store crying because i was freaking out and people were staring at me. On top of that, we had no food at home that i can eat without making a fiver person meal, so i went hungry. i made brownies, burned the tops while simultaneously making the bottoms too liquidy to taste any good, let alone be safe to eat. when i went to vent to my mom, instead of being sympathetic and saying it would get better (what i needed/wanted to hear) she told me to stop bitching about it. For dinner, we had tortallini, which is normally amazing, but the tomato sauce literally made my mouth itch (Which is something i only experience when i eat citrusy foods, and im allergic to citrus, but this feeling was 10x worse), and my paycheck dropped just in time for me to get a meal from wendys before going to work on another 2 hours of sleep. The 3rd book of the series im reading (Newsflesh Trilogy by Mira Grant, it's zombies, conspiracy, journalism, tiniest bit of romance but i would die for Shaun and Bekks to kiss just one more time, go check it out if that sounds cool to u) won't be here for another week after i finished the second one on a major cliffhanger, and i haven't written anything in nearly a month. the times tamps of my book says as much. Also, i'm single, all my friends have boyfriends or girlfriends, and every guy or girl i talk to ghosts me after learning i have adhd/am working on a autism diagnosis. that, and my friends are lowkey ignoring me. on valentines day of all days, so the one group of people i'm supposed to be able to talk to when my life gets shitty the same way they talk to me when their lives get shitty have just been ignoring me for like, a week. idk what to do, cus im torn between punching a wall and curling into a ball so tight that i just POP out of existence. Anyway, sorry for the rant. if you read this far, i appreciate and love you <3

#valentines day #today sucks #newsflesh #mira grant #failing as a writer? #single on valentines day #mental health #mental illness #mentally fucked

[fizzingwizard]

I feel a need to write about today minute by minute. It's always annoying to forget details and remember them inconveniently at the wrong time, but not at the right now. And I need to vent as usual lol. Oh work.

At 9:45, I take my students to the bathroom. One pees on the floor. I am calling and calling his name, I am standing next to him, looking right at him, but he is just staring at nothing, peeing on the floor and his shoes. I absolutely do not get it. He was in another world. So I'm dealing with the mess and ask my coworker (A) to switch lesson time with me so she can teach during my slot while I clean.

When I get back to my room, 1 is teaching and the kids are misbehaving. Coworker 2 is there. B2is brand spanking new. Joined us literally last week. She is nice and hard working, I don't think she has much experience with little kids though. I have no doubt she'll get the hang of it soon, but as for now she really doesn't know what to do. I do my best to get the class in order as well as prep for the next things.

1 finishes and I teach my lesson. Challenging student A is crawling around the back of the room. 2 is trying to stop A. I try to tell her to leave him alone. We suspect he's on the spectrum, but he's too young for a diagnosis, so my choice has been to let him take the lead with what he wants to do as long as he isn't a danger to himself or other kids. There is too much pressure on young kids in Japan to be "well-behaved," and while in a school group certain behaviors are important, I'm not trying to force my students to be robots. 2 just isn't familiar with A, but I, the teacher who is familiar with him, have to teach my damn lesson. Then Challenging student I kicks up his usual mid-lesson fuss, so I ask 1 to take him for a walk outside for a couple minutes. I can't go handle him myself because I. Am. Teeeeeaachinggggg. 1 has a tough time with him and the manager gets involved.

I finish the lesson and get my kids ready to go outside. We go to the toilet then have a drink. I ask 2 to help the kids get their water bottles because another student is having a melt down, so I'm dealing with them. When I look over, the kids have all attacked the water bottle basket. They are supposed to sit by the wall and wait for their name to come get their water bottle, but they either didn't listen to 2, or 2 didn't understand how much leadership is needed with toddlers even over very small things. So I have to go and fix the water bottle situation. Then Youngest student K pees all over her pants, despite sitting on the toilet not five minutes ago and refusing to pee, lol. So 1 comes back and changes her. I don't even remember what 2 was doing at this point, but she was occupied with something.

The energy among the kids is Chaos. You get familiar with it. After trying everything in the book, I finally decided we were not in the right atmosphere to go outside. I had them sing a quiet song, fix our listening ears, and then, one by one, I called them by name to chose an activity to do indoors. After a while 1 is done cleaning up K, and I have no idea what 2 was doing. I facilitate everything with the activities and it's the most peaceful it's been all day.

We clean up and then go back to the bathroom. I send 1 and 2 back with about half the class to start getting ready for lunch. When I get back with the rest of the kids, it's loud and crazy, A is crying on the floor, 1 is trying to calm him down, 2 looks like she doesn't know what do first. I give A a hug and he calms down right away. I get my toy megaphone and have the kids sing a song with it. We have lunch. I'm dying.

After lunch: A refuses, as he always does, to clean up his fork and spoon. He throws his jelly cup. 1 takes him aside to explain to him why it's dangerous to throw things. He throws a fit. I don't know this is going on because I'm helping other kids. I don't know what 2 was doing again except for understanding she couldn't be left to make decisions. So I can't leave the room for the next bathroom trip while 1 is with A. She's gone for a while and A is just crying and crying. Finally she comes back, and I just grab 2/3s of the kids and take them to the bathroom. I am not "supposed" to have that many kids with me by myself. But this is the fact: I was better equipped to take care of that many kids than my coworkers were to take care of the few who I left behind with them.

I did have to leave Challenging student TE behind because he was so over the top wild all day, and had just been hitting and poking other kids. Since I had to leave, I had him sit in a chair and told him, as well as both co-teachers, that he needed to sit there for one minute, then he would be allowed to go read a book. When kids are this young, making them sit somewhere to "think about their actions" is totally counter-productive. They forget really fast what they're even supposed to be reflecting on and only remember that they're unhappy. There is no point and it's mean to do it to them. The point of putting TE in the chair was for him to calm down. Ideally I would have been with him, but if you haven't noticed (which I think my school hasn't sometimes!) I am only one person and can't be EVERYWHERE, I DO need support from co-teachers. But I did my best to compromise - since I couldn't be there, I made sure my co-teacher understood TE could leave the chair and read a book, he was NOT in time out or any kind of punishment.

We luck out that being so late means we don't have to compete with other classes for the toilets, and we're done in ten minutes. We get back to the room. Two teachers with a small group of fairly easy kids and the room's not clean yet and the kids aren't all cleaned up from lunch yet. AND!! T is still in the chair. Not only is TE still in the chair, but N has crawled behind him and they're giggling together. This means TE was in the chair for at least ten minutes, WAY too long. (And much longer than I had specifically said!) Also no one was watching N. Again, there were TWO teachers in the room with a small number of kids - so small that it was under ration for JUST ONE OF THEM. I HAD ALL THE REST. BY MYSELF. I want to cry I swear I want to cry just remembering it.

Well anyway! Fizz is back now so let's get things in order. I ask 1 to take the kids who had been left in the room to the bathroom. 2 finishes the cleaning while I watch the class play. Peace finally returns for a while. It's clear we aren't going to do ANYTHING constructive today, but sometimes with toddlers it is what it is. At least they are happy and playing well together for the most part.

So, when 1 comes back, I decide it's time to deal with A. A is extremely, extremely challenging. He is a total sweetheart, but he's got what we'd call a defiant personality. He simply doesn't understands the difference between responsibility and being forced to do things. Choice is very important to him. That is fine in general, but it's not fine, for example, if his choice is to whack another kid with a toy, or to stick his hand down the toilet, etc.

A's mom is trying hard to potty train him, so she is sending him in underwear every day. The problem is, A is defiant about going to the toilet. So he wears underwear but holds in his pee all day until he wets his pants. Our strategy, with mom's approval, is not to force him. Of course we don't force ANY of our kids to do things, but what I mean is, to A, things feel like being "forced" which to other kids are just "mild persuasion." We don't want A to feel that using the toilet is a negative experience where his feelings don't matter. We also know A does much much much MUCH better one on one than in groups. So we have found that if we take him to the toilet AFTER all the other kids have already gone, he can do it.

1 had a hard time with A today because said "it's scary" and "go away" and was rude to her. I did explain that A is only saying these things because they get a result. He's not actually afraid of the toilet. He uses it perfectly fine when he's in the right mood. He also isn't afraid of A, who is, if anything, too nice with the kids lol. He has said the same things to every other teacher as well. It's a power move: he isn't hurt. However, since 1 and A have had a few unproductive clashes all day (and still are: A is refusing to clean up from lunch even now), I decide it's not a good idea to ask 1 to take A to the toilet. However, A still needs to go. It's not good to hold your pee in so long. And having random days where he doesn't get a chance to use the toilet at the usual time is not good for his potty training either.

So I talk to 1 and 2 individually and tell them that I am taking A to the toilet, and that they don't have to do anything except watch the kids play. I tell 2 especially which kids need extra careful watching because they sometimes play rough. It's peaceful when A and I leave the room.

Well, I got A to pee in the toilet no problem. He said "no" only a couple times and then just went and did it. Yay. It took some comforting first but progress is progress.

I get back to the class and - someone bit TA on the hand while I was gone. NEITHER of the two teachers in the room saw it. Full disclosure - it happens. We do our best, but not even pre-K teachers have eyes on the back of their head. But this coming after the entire rest of the day - I just felt like I couldn't leave the room, but also no one else could leave the room when kids needed to. I had to be there and be elsewhere and be with every kid somehow. 1 and 2 tell me they think S bit TA because that's what the other kids said. This is terrible news, because S does not handle being "in trouble" well, no matter how much we reassure she isn't. But I have no choice: I have to take S and TA into the hall so we can talk about what happened.

I have no intention of accusing S of anything teachers didn't witness her do. My intent is to ask her if she bit TA, and when she inevitably said no, to explain to both of them why gentle hands are important during play time, and then let S go back to playing. If no one saw her and she says she didn't, I have to believe her. Besides - in my own opinion, it's unlikely she bit TA. She can get rough sometimes, but it would be the first time she ever used her teeth. TE, however, was a biter in the spring. He got much better for a while, but only a couple weeks ago he bit both me and 1. He bites as a form of play, not in aggression. Since we have a biter in the class, I think it's more likely him than S, who has never bitten another kid before. However, I wasn't in the room at the time, and my impression from what the other teachers told me, just then, was that they thought it was highly likely S had bitten TA. Only later did I find out they weren't really sure. What I would have done if I'd realized is talk to the class as a whole, rather than take one child aside.

S had a total melt down. She's a fighter, thrashes, kicker, and screamer when she is upset. I asked the manager to help because while I speak Japanese, my sometimes awkward grammar can be an impediment to an upset child, or an upset child's voice can be more difficult for me as a non-native speaker to understand. I tell the manager I want S to understand that I am not angry, she is not in trouble, we just want to hear from her if she was involved with what happened to TA, and that if she says she wasn't involved she will be believed. But S is too upset even to listen in her own language. It's clear that she's turned off words completely and is just melting down. In the end, she bumps her head thrashing. It's hardly a bump, and tbh I'm grateful for it, because it calmed her down enough to listen to me offer to take her to get some ice for it. Once I have the ice, she lets me hug her and finally lets me tell her that I love her and she is just fine. I ask her if she did anything to TA. She says no. I say okay, I believe you, shall we go play? And we go back to the manager to say thank you for helping, because I want S to have a good relationship with the manager too.

Get back to the classroom it's 1:40 aaaaaaahhh. I let the kids play a few minutes longer so that after all that drama S doesn't have to immediately clean up the toys when she finally gets back inside. We're late going to the bathroom. Somehow I get all the kids in and out, diapers changed, and ready for good-bye time and I get all their valentines sent home. We don't have time for more than one song, then it's nap time.

During nap time I direct my coteachers (a fourth part-timer, 4, has shown up just before good-bye time - I don't usually have three helpers, but I assume she was added to my room because the manager anticipated, to some extent, how rough we were going to have it with just me and two newbies) to change about five kids clothes. Because yeah, it's February, but holy shit it's HOT outside. I kept wanting to turn off the heat, only to look at the thermostat and realize it wasn't even on! I can't switch it to cool air by myself, so we just had the fan on, but with so many bodies it hardly helped. The kids should have been changed into cooler clothes much earlier. It was just another thing that I couldn't get done by myself. But now we're changing clothes left and right, especially those fleece-lined pants I despise so much. They're nice if you're outside, but little kids overheat in seconds: don't put them in heat-retaining clothes if they're going to be running around a lot, even in winter! Some kids are wearig threeeeeeeeeeee layersssssss. I know it's winter but it's winter in KANSAI it's nOT that big of a deal. We had two weeks below zero which was too cold for my heater, yeah, but only lasted two weeks! It's now warm enough in midday to go out without a jacket even! (Which is weirdly warm for the time of year even here tbh...)

I stay in the nap room through part of my off-duty time to make sure all the difficult nappers go to sleep, because yesterday they didn't, and another classroom teacher who had nap duty with them for a while afterward kept talking about how they were playing during nap but slept because she "didn't let them not sleep." Which made me feel like I was being accused of not being firm enough with them. Again, like I am the only teacher there. To be clear, I don't think that's what this teacher meant to imply. I think she was just talking. It's because I feel so pressured to do everything and to never take my own break time because my own kids need ME and won't accept the other teachers. It isn't because I'm too nice to them. It's because the other teachers are new and inexperienced, or part-timers who barely even know the kids. Of course they don't respond to them as easily. Of course they get better results when I'm there instead. But if I'm always there, I'm never off duty. And even if I never took breaks, I still have to do progress reports, lots of other paperwork, prep crafts and activities, wash and organize things, as well as my own daily assigned cleaning duty. I HAVE to be away from the kids for SOME portion of the day. The other teachers NEED to be able to put the kids to sleep without me!!!

Surprisingly at this point I wasn't feeling super stressed. We had survived the day - a kid got bit, which is never good, but it didn't break the skin, he's perfectly fine, and not to be cavalier about it but I've seen way worse. (Way worse happened in other class the same day actually.) If a class of toddlers gets to nap time safe and happy, the day's a success... that's the bar you shoot for sometimes lol.

But as I'm a huge overthinker, by 3:30 I had starting doom-telling the future, where I continue to have this situation of my kids being wild and me being the only teacher in the room with a voice. Me having to direct not only my students, not only one new co-teacher, but BOTH coteachers. Me having barely any support every day. My usual partner every year, 3, has wanted to quit all year. Her plan was to quit in September. No replacement was found by then, so she was convinced to stay till December. Surprise surprise, STILL no replacement. She agrees to stay till the end of the year BUT only three days a week, and what days those are keep changing. (Also, even on days when she's here, there's enough general chaos that she or 1 get sent to other classes to help them instead. So there's very little stability in my room apart from myself.)

I am questioning whether I should have stayed in the classroom when I left, or left when I chose to stay - I'm questioning every single thing that happened all day and it's like I just can't be everywhere. I need support. I can't be needed with the challenging students because 1 and 2 aren't able to handle them yet, but also needed with the rest of the students because 1 and 2 don't know what to do with so many kids. This is impossible, isn't it? This is ridiculous.

So I talk to the manager. She is very meek - clearly expected something like this. But she doesn't have anything to say. It's not in her power to make the experienced co-teachers we desperately need appear. It is the company's fault for continuing to enroll students even while we're understaffed :) and the majority of our staff now is very inexperienced :) :)

So she can't reassure me that this won't keep happening. (BTW, it's not the first time I had this coworker situation in the classroom - just more my breaking point.) She asks i I want her to talk to my co-teachers. I definitely don't. 2 only started last week - imagine getting a talk from the manager after only one week of work, while barely out of training, even a "nice" talk. 2 is a hard worker and I have no doubt she'll be great when she has some experience, but it's not going to happen fast, let alone in one week. And 1 has been here since June, but it's still her first year, her first job with kids, and she's barely 20. She's also trying super hard. I have no complaints about either of these coworkers that don't amount to they're just not ready for the level of responsibility they inevitably have when there are no more experienced teachers around. (Or only me, I should say.)

I did talk to 1 just to see how she was doing. She is a very upbeat person. I was nervous she would feel I was criticizing her, which is the opposite of what I want, but she was honest about her struggles with A and listened to my advice about letting him take the lead as long as he not dangerous. I also talked to her about letting TE sit in the chair so long and why it's not good for little kids. She was lovely the whole time. She's a very refreshing change from sensitive coteachers who treat every bit of not overtly positive feedback as a personal attack.

I'd like to say that's the end of my crazy day but guess what there's mooooore!!

PART TWO UNDERSTAFFING STUCKS

So like I've talked about endlessly, we've been understaffed all year. Our schedule was created under the assumption that 12 full time teachers would be at the school the majority of the time. The reality of this year, however, is that during our busiest time of day, from 4:00, we have like. Five.

My cluster of classes is particularly affected. I am the ONLY full time teacher there every day. One teacher always leaves at 4, two teachers are sometimes there with me but twice a week go home at 4:30 and may be off duty at 4:00, and one teacher is there till 4:30 but only three times a week. Since November we also got a bunch of part-timers who come in the afternoons. As nice as it is to have their help, they are a big part of the problem: the kids don't know them and they don't know the kids. They tend to sit in silence while the kids play and do very little to stop their misbehavior.

They also can't hand out snack because of allergy concerns. That is the reason why, since the beginning of the year, I have been on snack duty almost every day. As 1 got more accustomed to working here, she now helps with that, and another coworker from another class is there regularly now as well. But because I'm the only one guaranteed to stay at least until 5, it's still usually me. This duty is exhausting because kids are messy and there's a lot to do, and it's been an entire day so your body is ready to give out lol.

But the problem now is less that I'm tired while on snack duty and more that on days when the other teachers are gone from 4:30, I have to do ALL the duties to some extent. Today, for example. 1 left at 4:30. I was the only full-timer. One of the other teachers there is a sub, but one who is usually at our school four days a week. She's been with us all year and does know the kids. It's usually fine to have her in the room, except that she is a very quiet person and not very active. She listens to direction but doesn't necessarily notice things on her own. This wasn't fine today because the other two teachers were both brand new part-timers who don't know the kids.

All three of them were just. Sitting on the floor. Watching the kids play. Changing some diapers and struggling with the fussy kids because they don't know how to handle them. So who handled those kids? I did. I go over and voila, the kid who has been refusing to change her diaper for ten minutes suddenly is changed! Magic.

And the kids playing on the floor: they're gonna fight over toys, right. So who is going to mediate? Not the teachers SITTING RIGHT THERE ON THE FLOOR WITH THEM. Nope. Fizz is gonna have to put the vacuum down, pick my way through the kids with my gloved hands, and negotiate sharing of toys, then go back and continue to clean. And repeat over and over. When do I get to sit on the floor?? Lol.

It was a particularly messy snack (we all hate it) today, and usually the cleaning teacher can clean the silverware in the staff room. But because of the... uh... teacher situation, I didn't feel comfortable being out of the room even that long. So I stayed after I clocked out to clean it.

I also managed to take A to the toilet a second time!!! This is huge because he has so far refused to go to the toilet no matter what after nap, and I hated that he was just holding it in. He definitely has to pee after nap but just won't go. But I talked to him for a while, and suddenly he told me he would go if I carried "all" his toys. He enjoyed listening to me count them as he piled all nine of them x'D into my arms. Any other kid I wouldn't allow to do this, but A needs to feel like he's the leader and making his own choices. It's not dangerous, and it's getting him to go to the toilet happily for the first time ever. Which he did. He was an angel in the bathroom. I could have cried for the nth time today, but happy tears this time. I'm really proud of him.

Finally we reach the end of my day. It took an hour to type this out how I wanted it. But I'm glad, because I want to remember as many details as I can about what today is like. I had trouble figuring out what the core of the struggles today were. I tend to blame myself. Especially as the most experienced teacher, I felt everything that went wrong as a reflection of my lack of ability. But, while maybe it's difficult to say for certain about myself, after typing this I gotta admit I don't think I made bad decisions. I think I did the best that I could with what I was given. When I talked to the manager, I said "If I could do today over, I would skip brushing teeth time," because that is something we are allowed to skip if it's truly necessary - but then I realized that actually, the situation would have occurred anyway, because the kids still need to go to the toilet. They're potty training, they need to go the toilet no matter what. There's just no way I and my students could be in the classroom all day without ever leaving.

So on looking back I feel I really was put into a ridiculous situation, and have been all year long. I sometimes get so frustrated and feel like I'm an emotional wreck for getting frustrated easily. Then, when I really stop and think about the year as a whole, I wonder why I'm not MORE frustrated. I wonder why other teachers aren't more frustrated too. Or if they are and just quiet about it. It's just so ridiculous that all these problems would have been avoided by JUST STAFFING THE SCHOOL ADEQUATELY FROM THE START OF THE YEAR OMFGGGG

You'd think nearly every teacher quitting in a single year would signal something, but heads are turned the other way so convincingly that even I, who was there suffering with them, and am here suffering now too, start to think I'm the one who's perspective is skewed.

One final thought: part of the reason it's hard to talk about it at work when things are difficult for me is because another class has had an even rockier year. They went through THREE main teachers. Two quit. The third is a sub who didn't want to be a main teacher but was forced into it. At least she's still here. (And annoyed that she was refused the option of going back to subbing next year.) One of her part-time coworkers quit suddenly in January. The other part-time coworker is a sub (the quiet one I mentioned above). One full-time coworker only joined us in like September. She's good, good enough we often forget she's so new. But she IS new and that's just gonna be rough sometimes, no getting around it.

Also this class keeps getting given new students????????? I am SO confused why that is. The other comparable class has gotten a couple new kids, but it's like 2 kids to 5, AND that rocky class also has THREE kids who are technically "baby" age still. We used to have a required 1:3 ratio for that age of kids - used to until this year when the company needed to get more tuition money while paying fewer teachers 9_9 That age is hard AF. Also one of the new kids throws up. Like. Constantly.

#work #fizz's life #a novel