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why-this-kolaveri-machi · 3 years

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it wasn’t power i coveted; it was acceptance.

Titans 3.06

y’know, i was just thinking the other day that 1.06/1.07 and 2.06/2.07 were the best episodes of their respective seasons, so i have great hopes going in to this one. fingers crossed!

as always, typing this up as i see the episode.

SPOILERS AHEAD

1. oh! um... that was a Cold Open, all right. *nudges* get it? cold? because it’s snowing? and two people got murdered in cold blood? eh?

... oh, i’ve just started.

1.5. i wonder if “i want to be sipping pina coladas on a beach with you” is the new “i’m just one day away from retiring.” i was so on edge after that--i kept expecting that car to explode. even so, the way they died wasn’t an anticlimax: brutal, and quick.

1.75. so i’m assuming that’s the titular lady vic! this show better bring up why this doll was important or why these two cops needed to be killed, and not leave it to the ether like jericho’s little mindscape jaunt in 2.08 (i’m still dying to know what that was about???)

i love how deliberately unappealing wayne manor is.

(sorry for the pic quality. i don’t have hbo max! ssshhh.)

2.3. i love the many references to “home” and “our house” when they’ve been here for less than a week and saw one of their friends get blown into pieces. i mean, i unironically love it: home is where family is, after all!

2.5. i’d like to say that kom is playing some sort of long game here, especially given the build-up we had last season and some of the more niggling details this season: why did kom choose now to use her bond to lure kory when she’s been on earth for months? why did justin call kory now, just around the time that she started getting kom’s visions? and what about kom’s ability to exactly imitate other people? hmmm.

2.75. the reason i wrote i’d like to say is that i’ve made the mistake of assuming plot complexity where there is none; i was so invested in the jason todd orchestrated his own death theory for instance, when it turns out that oops! ra’s al ghul just happened to leave a little lazarus puddle in gotham, and oh yeah! scarecrow just happens to have a network of henchmen working for him on the outside and a fully functional laboratory and a weapons cache fit for a new supervillain in the basement of the high security psychiatric unit/prison that he’s in!

(no i’m not bitter, why do you ask)

2.8. iiiii don’t know what to say about the implications of sex slavery being a thing on tamaran, so i’m not going to say anything at all. for now.

3. gotham, six years ago... wasn’t it five years before s2 that jericho died and the titans disbanded? and when was the flashback from 1.06 where dick let zucco die? i think it was after the events of 2.08: jericho? i can’t seem to find any transcripts or reliable information online, so i’m going to have to rewatch 1.06 at some point.

(i love the old-fashioned batman music in this heist scene)

3.5. “security is a joke... it’s my way of keeping my dad on his toes”. what you’re an ethical thief now, like an ethical hacker? i don’t think that excuse is going to sell, barbara, on the day you do encounter a decent security system and your father is forced to arrest you.

(then again, gotham’s security is piss-poor. did you know that you could just walk into arkham asylum without any official clearance, ply one of its most dangerous inhabitants with contraband, and said inmate could get away with having an entire laboratory and weapons cache--NO I’M NOT GOING TO LET THIS GO)

3.8 so that flashback between dick and barbara was really cute! and also illuminating:

a) dick sounds so light, so... um. look. i have some apologies to tender to mr thwaites, because while i’ve always thought he does a fine job as dick grayson, i’ve never been terribly fond of his cadence as he delivers dialogue. it’s often monotonous, i thought, but then again, he’s usually delivering exposition or dealing with one soul-crushing crisis or the other. so i was pleasantly surprised to hear dick sound so carefree and alive in his conversation with barbara, laughing frequently, his emotions so bare and bubbling to the surface. it’s really a fantastic contrast to the traumatised and world-weary dick grayson that we see now, even more so than the costume department just bunging a backwards-baseball cap on mr thwaites’ head and hoping that will convince us of his relative youth.

b) and god, when he wakes up from that memory, all alone in his bed, bleeding from bullet holes in his shoulder (bullet holes that are--in a somewhat convoluted way--barbara’s fault)? yikes. it’s great. you have my apologies, mr thwaites!

c) can you imagine dick just... crawling back to wayne manor, trying not to be seen by anybody, shedding his suit and just... collapsing onto his bed without even tending to his wound? the sheer emotional and physical exhaustion of it?

d) it’s so interesting to see how barbara and dick approach the idea of legacy--a big theme on the show!--in this flashback. barbara is the one bucking the idea that she should follow in her father’s footsteps, while dick seems pretty content with the batman-and-robin setup, and even tries to get barbara to join their team (robin-girl. pfffft). obviously after this several traumatic things happen wherein dick ends up questioning and then resenting his role as robin, his relationship with batman or even returning as a vigilante at all. and barbara... ends up replacing her father as commissioner. it’s tragic, really.

e) the dynamic between dick and barbara in the flashback reminds me of how it was between dick and donna in 1.08 and even between kory and dick in early s1. it’s like having an older, strong-willed woman by his side means he gives over the steering wheel for a while and lets himself... unspool, a little bit. it’s kinda endearing.

also:

*pinches his cheeks*

3. you know, we talk about dick and Eldest Daughter Syndrome, and that’s definitely valid, but here gar seems to me the embodiment of it, with all the emotional gardening and firefighting that he’s expected to do. he’s kind of the guy expected to keep his shit together and take care of everyone else while they are falling completely to pieces, unable to carve out time to process his own trauma. he’s also picked up dick’s and kory’s tendencies to bottle up their struggles and shun appearing vulnerable, and he’s struggling in the shadow of both dick and kory undergoing acute crises, his best friend (and frequent confidante) on the other side of the world, and seeing hank die, utterly helpless to stop it.

i’m glad that he got a chance to tell dick even a smidgeon of what he really feels, and i hope this is at least a semblance of a wake up call for dick to actually sit down and work with the people he repeatedly calls family.

3.5. it’s heartening to see that dick immediately makes it his priority to go talk to gar. but don’t blow off kory in the process, man!

4. i’m really loving this dynamic between kom and conner--i get the idea that both of them consider each other as Unknowns, alien two times over. but conner’s only ever known the titans, who embrace being different, and kom’s only ever known... well.

anyway, kory is Really Stressed, and honestly? #relatable.

when you’re forced to bring an estranged family member to hang out with your friends...

4.5. i love that the titans are spending so much time in the kitchen. a real family!

5. jonathan crane is a creep and i absolutely cannot stand him.

5.25. how did he get a whole lab setup (in the basement of a hospital...?) with a bunch of whitecoats to work for him? how did he just waltz into the viewing room of an operation theatre when he’s one of the most wanted men in gotham right now? why is jason wandering around maskless when--presumably--as the adopted son of the most famous person in gotham he’d be a tad more recognisable than your average joe?

why do i expect this show to answer anything anymore?

5.5. that’s not necessarily a criticism, mind; i’ve said since season 1 that titans is very comics-like in this aspect, all about the Aesthetic and the splash-page splendour rather than the niggling unimportant details of how or when the characters got to said location. like. the camera gliding over the operation being set-up, lady vic bursting in and doing her murder dance (imagine the luck of the poor intern who chose this day and this surgery to assist) and jason, shocked and slack-jawed, framed by blood.

5.75. it’s a sobering reminder for jason that, though he chose this path in order to gain control over a world that seemed like it was rapidly spinning out of his grip, he’s only succeeded in handing over even more control to a man with an agenda that is very clearly not aligned with his own. he’s in too far to stop now, though.

5.9. i have a lot more thoughts about jason! saving it up for the end of this recap, though.

6. more kitchen time! i better see dick do some cooking soon...

(”our kitchen”! it still delights me! kitchens are So Important)

6.25. so much of dick’s issues have revolved around his relationship with bruce, so it’s completely understandable that in the wake of a huge crisis where bruce literally asks dick to replace him and be a “better” him, dick would default to all the worst things he learned from the man. and i’m glad kory’s having none of it, but come on, guys. the woman’s literally fetched her fratricidal sister out of a hole in the ground with no idea what said sister is going to do next and experiencing a burgeoning sense of guilt far, far beyond her history with the titans, and dick’s too far into his autocolonoscopy that he can’t see that she needs help.

6.5. “he services your urges”--well, as far as we know, kory is the last person he had sex with...

7. “i hope [gar] isn’t angry with me...” SIR! i thought you’d already spoken to him! smh, as the kids say. kory wouldn’t be needing to reassure you if you just took the effort to build two way emotional relationships with the rest of the team. @superohclair was taking about dick’s relatively low emotional intelligence? i agree.

7.5. “i got my own problems [...] you and barbara? fix it.” YOU TELL HIM, KORY

8. man i really like this weird, sad tension between dick and barbara--this sense that both of them are approaching the other based on how they remember them and are ultimately disappointed by the truth. barbara thought she could trust dick to... well, be a better batman, but dick has not only failed at that in her eyes, but repeatedly undermined her while exploiting the authority that she gave him. in dick’s eyes, this is nothing like the barbara that he knew, rebellious and ready to do whatever it takes to find something.

like. this show sometimes really hits me in the chest about the ways it shows kids grow into adults and into caretakers, and the way it’s stop-start, the ways nothing can happen at all for a long time and then it’s Crisis Central all at once and there’s no space to breathe. the weird sort of sadness that comes with nostalgia.

8.5. oracle name drop! i agree with barbara, any system that can just randomly tap into gotham phonelines is a monster.

8.7. (i don’t know if it’s my imagination, but is dick holding himself... differently in this episode? like that wound is definitely bothering him, and he’s running on fumes)

9. man, that was a really sweet scene between kom and conner. “feeling alien in your own world”... “not quite here nor there”

honestly this team runs on conner and gar’s faith in their value as a family, and it’s a sign of conner’s generous heart that he extends that opportunity to blackfire. this arc of maturation for him, where he’s now able to consciously choose which parts of himself he can use to do the thing he wants to so--save people--has been so fulfilling to recognise. this baby’s grown with the titans! and what he’s learnt is that people can get fucked up, but the titans is a place where they can be fucked up, and grow.

MY MAN CONNER

10. oh man i’m drinking in the gar-dick interaction in this episode like i’m three days into the desert and it’s the only source of water for miles around!

a) gar is absolutely not dealing with dick’s bullshit this episode and I LOVE IT. it’s such a far cry from the man who was idolising dick/robin back in s1 and expecting him to solve all their problems. dick is fallible, dick is fucked up, but he Tries His Best and that’s ok.

b) dick, huffing and puffing through that vent, unable to put any pressure on his left shoulder, trying to have a heart to heart with gar... fuck i love this asshole.

c) bruce took in a kid who was suffering... “and made him into a weapon”. well. i absolutely agree with dick that it was bruce who put these kids into these horrible situations with him and they came away with a bucketload of trauma to add to the one that they already had. but we know that bruce was really trying with jason, and at the end of s2, dick was coming to acknowledge that bruce had offered him something that wasn’t just darkness. jason’s death and bruce’s reaction to that shattered that fragile progress.

d) “gotham got to me too.” i feel more sympathetic towards dick running off on his own than most, and it’s not just because i’m an unapologetic stan. we’ve seen before that dick... devolves when overwhelmed, and he lashes out and makes ill thought out decisions and just Does Not Deal. it happened after hearing the news that deathstroke had returned in s2, and it didn’t help that everyone around him was reeling at the news, either. this time, however, he has his salvation in his family, and despite some stupid decisions like running off and kidnapping supervillains without telling his team, he’s been really on the ball this season. thinking clearly and logically, holding it together and working on a plan, thinking two steps ahead of the villains... yes.

e) gar needing to believe that jason isn’t beyond redemption... there’s a lot of blood on his hands, too, from when he was manipulated by cadmus last season. it makes sense why he’d relate to jason’s predicament, and i hope dick picked up on that.

f) my head just added a plaintive ow after dick jumped feet first into the storage room

i need, crave gifs of this scene!

11. *sits on hands* i’m going to talk more about red hood, i promise!

12. more gar and dick! is it my birthday??!!

(actually, according to the tamil calendar, it is my birthday! my “star” birthday)

12.5. excellent. dick using some implausible training that bruce taught him to solve a mystery? passing some of that knowledge onto gar? that proud smile when he sees gar perfectly execute moves that he taught him? MY HEART IS EXPLODING

13. aw, i love flashback!dick and barbara, they’re so cute <3

13.25. why does it not surprise me that the way he proposes a relationship to barbara is by saying “we make sense”? this guy can deduce exactly who was present where and what weapon they were holding from a garbled audio recording but other times he’s utterly clueless, and that’s a consistent character beat right from s1

13.5. so.... that’s why lady vic has it out for... barbara....? i don’t get it. it’s flimsy. but hey! the fun thing about titans is that i don’t have to get it. the payoff has nothing to do with the plot.

14. i can’t believe that barbara fell for that, but at least that wheelchair fight looked awesome, so.

15. oh yeah, i forgot that red hood bullied the mob into helping him and scarecrow... at least that explains the whitecoats and the elaborate set-up.

15.5. honestly i love how this dynamic between kory and kom is developing, though i wish more of the team would pay attention to it. time to call justin, i think!

16. i wonder what happened after that second flashback where barbara got hurt during that heist. did she give up on doing any more (maybe jim caught her)? was it because dick was called away by bruce and then the titans and got caught up in his own issues? maybe barbara froze him out because she wasn’t looking for the relationship that he was looking for? maybe the idea of doing that with someone turning into batman-lite was just... unappealing? scary?

whatever it is, it doesn’t look like dick ever processed the end of that relationship. it’s very intriguing to see where their dynamic goes next.

17. so.... what, did vic deliver some fear toxin to barbara? i... what?

17.5. and i TOLD YOU that they would never explain that doll or why vic attacked those two cops at the beginning! oh, titans. never change.

18. did jason just randomly have tim’s restaurant burgled? god, i’m feeling a bit nauseous... are they going to kill tim’s father?

18.25. i feel like the rest of the season is going to wrestle with jason’s culpability in the horrible stuff he’s doing and i’m already seeing that prospect divide fans. on one hand, his story is taking a lot of oxygen away from other equally interesting story arcs, and he’s done some truly awful things, like indiscriminate murder, threatening to kill children, blowing up hank, and potentially killing tim’s parents.

there’s something to be said for the kind of hold that crane has over him, and the so-called ‘anti-fear’ drug that he keeps plying jason with--he’s alone, drugged almost constantly (to the level of dependence), fresh from the trauma of being bludgeoned to death. he hasn’t conquered fear; he’s ruled by it. on the other hand, given that he’s the one character on the show given an obvious and identifiable ‘mental illness’ arc (maaaaybe dick too), one can argue that it’s irresponsible to show this progress into such violence: jason was vulnerable because he was struggling, and that left him vulnerable, but it took only a push before he became a fucking serial killer.

but that could mean we underestimate the degree of that vulnerability, and the mechanics of this universe where he fell into the clutches of the one supervillain perfectly designed to exploit that vulnerability. that helpless spiral into further and further self-destruction is all too real. it’s valuable to know that someone who has sunk that low can still seek help--actual help--and get it.

18.5. i don’t know. it’s not a question i’m going to resolve at the end of an overlong recap at 1 in the morning. i don’t believe it’s even a question that titans can resolve. but i am interested in where they’re going next with jason.

19. this episode was genuinely great! i’m pumped for the rest of the season!

#titans #titans spoilers #meta #dick grayson #koriand'r #barbara gordon #garfield logan #conner kent #komand'r #jason todd #jonathan crane #a byronic cupcake #badass strawberry truffle #manic pixie pop tart #a tragic jalebi #this is a 3k+ MONSTER yikes

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justoneday-namjoonii · 4 years

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Don’t Breathe 4.5 | teaser

»Genre: hitman!au || stalker!au ||

»Warnings: kidnapping, stalking, obsession, themes of potential Stockholm syndrome, mono-phobia, mature elements, yandere at some point (? i think ), themes of depression, redemption, they fall in love, lovey dovey, fluff, Disclaimer: I do not condone nor suggest stalking/kidnapping or anything of that nature, this is purely fiction ok.

»Summary: He doesn’t get shaky hands, he never forgets his gloves and he never leaves a trail. He was paid to get rid of everyone who witnessed the exchange between a gang lord and a politician, they were picked off, one by one. He found out a month later, he missed one. A young writer who attended the event where the exchange took place. He has to kill her. Can he do it?

✤ pt.1 - pt.2 - pt.2.5 - pt.3 - pt. 3.5 - pt. 4.0 - pt.4.5

author’s note: coming soon

taglist: @tangledsparkles @just-another-fangurl21 @impartoftoomanyfandoms @komorebi-unnie @tangledsparkles @yes-sol-not-soul (sorry :( tumblr won’t let me tag you) if you’d like to be added to the taglist please comment on this post💜

The sun is setting like a dream, you can’t say you’ve ever seen it shine so beautiful. The sky looks like a peach painting that shyly fades into a heavenly deep-blue. It’s a perfect evening, the air smells of the flowers growing on the porch and it delights your senses. He’s chasing you barefooted across the grassy yard, like two children playing tag at the peek of spring. Out of breath, he finally catches you and you fall back into the checkered blanket, too tired to run off again.

After seeing you enjoy the balcony so much, he introduced you to his lavish backyard. Aside from the large stone patio and pool attached to it, the yard expands at least an acre and it’s well-groomed. Early in the evening, you moved to spend some time on the patio, a pencil and paper in hand. Taehyung had some work to do so you had a few hours to yourself, you used that time to think and write. After a few hours, you could no longer resist the urge to take a dip in the crystal clear oasis.

With a t-shirt and underwear, you eased into the cool water and breathed a sigh of relief. For what could have been an hour or two, you weren’t counting, you swam on your back, staring up at the clear sky, wondering if you’ll ever feel peace like this again. When your eyes shut, your thoughts seem to align, and for the first time since you’ve been here, you felt like you were where you were supposed to be. As much as you cherish your life alone, your independence and innate desire to prove that you can make it on your own—it seems Taehyung is worth giving that up.

That would have sounded crazy weeks ago, but it’s how you feel. That night that you confessed that you wanted to be with him, you meant it. You don’t know when it happened, maybe when you kissed him and he picked you up, when you woke up to him fast asleep with a pillow in his arms. Or maybe it was when he suggested you help him bake, since he knew you wrote so much about food in your articles, you’re not sure. But somehow, some time after learning his name, you think you fell in love.

When you were with Jin, you had similar feelings to this. You knew you were in love when you had the urge to smile even when you were hurting just to make him smile. That feeling of unexplained self-sacrifice, something as small as smile, you’d force it out if you knew it would help him. With Taehyung, it seems like he will do anything to make you smile sometimes, even when you know he’s keeping stressful things from you. Is that love? You think so.

You sigh, still feeling a bit wet from your swim a while ago but you’ve dried mostly. He fussed at you for not showering straight away but you said the sun would dry you well enough until your shower tonight. It’s dusk now, and your out in the grass, laying happily on the blanket with him. Only a few minutes ago did you find out that he had pretty lights adorning the patio. He said he’s had them for a while but hadn’t turned them on until today. It casts a warm light out into the grass, you tell him he should turn it on more often.

”You should shower before you catch a cold,” He stresses for the second time. You find his worry endearing but negotiate five more minutes, and he caves. It’s been a while since you’ve been outside like this. He knows this, that’s why he’s laying shoulder to shoulder with you as you gaze up at the night sky. “Sorry I had so much work I had to do today, hope you weren’t too bored,”

”It’s fine, I was writing anyway...”

”Really?” He turns on his side, curiosity piqued. You nod, hands searching for the pencil and pad you had on the blanket.

”I used to write poetry when I was in high school. I wasn’t very good and some of it is kind of cringe now that I look back at it, but I enjoyed it. I haven’t written in so long, I thought I’d give it a shot,” You grab the notepad and look up at it, eyes skimming over the gray hue from all the erasing. You catch him trying to peek over and you hold it to your test. You grin, “Don’t look, it’s not good,”

He pouts, hand moving to intertwine with yours.

“Come on, you’ve never shared your personal writings with me before,” He pouts, leaning closer to you in hopes that you might succumb to the allure of his gaze. “Pleeease?”

”Fine,” You sigh, “but you have to read it yourself,” You lift the notepad, handing it to him.

He sits up and the feeling of anxiousness comes to a halt when you realize one important fact; it’s Taehyung reading this. Not a supervisor critiquing your rough draft or a teacher judging your ability to recite your understanding of the class’s latest assignment. It’s him.

I’ve been given a universe, all for me. My very own stars in your eyes, I can stare at you forever. The remnants of your every gaze births a galaxy and I draw up the constellations by the reminisce of the pattern of your touch on my skin. I, too, have given my universe to you. Though I’m innocent to the stars in my eyes, the constellations I paint on your skin, all for you. No event is there more beautiful than the moment our eyes meet, our nebulae collide. A merging occurs, giving life to new stars that are our own, creating a galaxy that holds a shape that can only be defined by fate. In that sweet moment, we create an intertwined constellation, a design filled with millions of our old and new stars, shining brighter than ever,

“in your universe, my universe...” He reads the last lines softly. Setting the pad down with an expression that you can’t quite read, he just looks at you and you start to feel nervous.

“I just,” You bite at your lip and look up at the night sky that’s beginning to show the stars, “I had this idea about space, it’s a little different but it took me hours to come up with...I’m rusty.”

He props himself up and leans over you, gaze searching for yours with a tender close-lipped smile. He holds his hand to his heart, “That was so beautiful.”

You cringe, pushing his chest so he can roll back on his back. “Oh stop, now I wish I wouldn’t have showed you,” It’s hard to tell if he’s praising you or teasing, it seems like it’s one in the same sometime.

“I’m being serious, I can feel the emotions you’re conveying in your words, I really get it...” He looks a bit surprised that you’d think he was teasing you about this, he leans back over you.

“You mean it?” You look into his eyes, wondering how anyone could be capable of making you feel so special, like you’re the only person in the world. Without a word, he presses a firm kiss to your lips and you sigh, he means it.

* * *

“How’s the investigation going? Jin told me you reached out the other day,”

The busy lawyer sits his freshly ordered coffee in his cup holder as he drives off to his highly-decorated firm.

“I did, the case is more complicated than I initially thought,” Yoongi poured the subpar coffee in the Styrofoam cup, it’s 6am and he’s trying not to be grumpy, “if I’m right about my suspicions, it’s a fucked up situation.”

“What’re you thinking?”

Yoongi looks around, seeing that the only person around was the woman at the desk. “The girl, along with the other individuals at that conference, were targeted. I got the names of the parties at the conference, they’re politicians of course but the details of the meeting was never released. I have a theory,”

He lowers his voice, looking around one more time before sipping his coffee, “I think someone at that conference had those other reporters killed. I went over each autopsy file and those people died from unusual things, but not unusual enough to suspect at first-glance. Most of them dies from too much of a medication that they were already taking, things like that. But this girl, unlike everyone else, she was abducted and I don’t know why.”

Jungkook makes a thoughtful noises. “What’s different about her that not like the others?”

“She went missing a little over a month after the others were found dead. It looks like a mistake to me,” He paces, “I don’t know if I’m being too outlandish, but I have a feeling she’s alive, we just need to find her,”

Jungkook responds with how he feels about it but Yoongi has to cut him short when Eunwoo walks into the station.

“You’re here early, Min,” Eunwoo smiles, beckoning Yoongi to follow him to his office, “I have some good news, and some bad news, which do you want first?” Eunwoo leads Yoongi into his office and sets his briefcase down so he can pull what he needs out.

“Surprise me.” He deadpans.

“Well, last night, we found out that the infamous Hwan Group could be apart of this. You know that group, they’ve been under the radar for years, you can’t catch’em. But there’s a chance they could be the force behind this, they have assassins for hire from what I’ve heard,” He takes a seat, opening one of the Manila folders.

“And the good news?”

“It took a lot to pin him, but we’re bring one of the parties in for questioning today,”

“Good, I think they know something that they’ve been trying to keep under the rug.”

“Yeah, I agree.”

Yoongi gets up, hand tight on the flimsy cup, “If you could give me a call after the questioning, I’d appreciate it. I’m gonna do a little digging into this Hwan Group, see if I can get some info that’ll help,”

Yoongi leaves the building with a to-do list but little does he know, detective Na Jaemin, knocking on on Eunwoo’s door.

“Come in,”

“Hi,” Jaemin slips into the room, an unusual grin on his face, “how are you?”

“Um,” Eunwoo looks around, not understanding why he’s approaching him like this but he shrugs, “good, is everything okay, detective?”

“Everything's fine,” Lies, “I just had a question about that PI, Min Yoongi,”

“Shoot,” Eunwoo awaits his question.

“Why is he so adamant on keeping this case open? I mean, I’m a detective on the case and I think we should start searching for the body,” His tone sounds innocent but he’s trying to sneakily plant this idea in Eunwoo’s mind, “we could be wasting precious time, the family deserves closure and we’re just dragging it on.”

“Detective Na,” Eunwoo stops looking through the folder, “given the other related cases, we have reason to believe she might be alive. Not every abductee is killed, even if that tends to be the case.”

Jeamin swallows, trying to think of how to save himself, “I know, I’m not saying that we should be pessimistic but realistic, rather.”

“I get what you’re saying, but on what prescient you’re saying it, I don’t know. I, and many of the others on this case, have reviewed the evidence and compared it to the other cases, it doesn’t add up. After the questioning today, we’ll talk, until then, your efforts need to go towards finding her alive and well,” Eunwoo walks past Jaemin and the detective gets the memo to get out of the office, “Understood?”

With a feigned grin he stands up straight. “Absolutely, sir,”

#taehyung #taehyung stalker au #taehyung fluff #taehyung smut #taehyung angst #taehyung mafia au #taehyung assassin #taehyung hitman #bts angst #bts fluff #bts smut #bts stalker au #bts assassin au #don't breathe

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beautyinthediss0nance · 3 years

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Tales from the Ex-Crypts Vol. 6

When I met the man who would waste my 20's, I was freshly moved out of my abusive/addict home and I will always feel that contributed to me being able to be sucked into his narcissistic web of manipulation, gaslighting, and abuse. The distance between us also made it very easy for him to do/get away with whatever he wanted...

The first 4 years of our "relationship" was very on and off.. he was massively hung up on his ex and she was constantly popping in to make sure she could still just wrap him back around her little finger. He would just disappear during those times, and then call me when she would fuck off again. I don't know why I went back, except he had some kind of hold over me, perhaps it was the comfortable/known factor. In those 'off' times are when I dated others.

So much happens in the span of so many years.. and crazy enough.. there aren't that many "stand out" moments, because the abuse was so normal..

He was very controlling, and expected me to call if I said I'd be home around a certain time. I remember one day, while living in the city and using transit, that I said I'd be home around a certain time. It was literally 4 minutes after the time I said, and he called me demanding where I was because I said I'd be home by then. I was walking across the street from the bus stop to my apartment building.

He was also very jealous/possessive, but as a girl who has almost always been "one of the guys", I have a lot of male friends. He was not super jealous of my friends, but he would get insanely jealous of men online (we gamed together, he got me into PC gaming, and WoW especially). I was not allowed to hang out with/make friends with/talk to other men in game. I still made some amazing friends (who are still friends now). He was also fond of shaming/embarrassing/belittling me in front of others, or showing his ownership or whatever. He would openly treat me like shit, but if anyone else ever said anything even slightly negative or criticizing about me, he would rip them to shreds. One girl in his guild, after witnessing his treatment of me over Ventrillo (a voice program many gamers used back in the day, now it's mainly Discord) and who stupidly had a crush on him, decided to rip on me to him. I'm guessing she read him wrong and thought his treatment of me was because he wasn't happy with me, or didn't love me. He destroyed her so badly, she quit the guild and left the server. He was the asshole that women flocked to and fawned over, and I couldn't even say I was any fucking different. That "bad boy" aura sucked many in.

He was jealous/possessive because he was always cheating on me, with the distance, he was easily able to. The stupid thing was, that he'd brag about it to our guildmates while I was at work/offline. Probably part of why he didn't want me making friends within the guild as well. I don't think he realized this is what made a lot of those who became friends to reach out to me. They were being kind to the kicked puppy.

Most of the shit treatment happened in the last 4.5 years of our relationship, without the "off" times of the first 4 years. But most of the really great times we had together happened during that time too. He could be amazing and sweet and funny... and even with distance, we did spend 4-6 hours talking/hanging out daily.. more than most of my friends who got to see their boyfriends regularly.

The final straw for me, after all of the years of distance, and not moving to the next level with excuse after excuse, was that my sister was getting married and he refused to come to the wedding with me. I was just done at that point, and ended things.

He lost his mind, I don't think he ever expected me to leave, but I just needed to get to a point where I loved myself more than I loved him. The one benefit of the long distance relationship was that my life really didn't change after the relationship ended, minus the hole left where he used to fill my time/thoughts.

Unfortunately, his father passed away within days of my ending things. It was sudden, a heart attack during a blizzard that prevented the ambulance from getting to him in time. He was only in his 50's. My ex was devastated, understandably. He called me 30+ times and I thought he was just being a rage monster so didn't answer. I finally listened to my voicemail(s) and he was bawling in them. This is a man I knew never cried, so I immediately called him. His mother answered, she was at his place to try to comfort him, and he was a mess when he got on the phone. He wanted us to get back together because of his loss. I am sure that the double whammy of our break up and the loss of his father within days of each other was overwhelming, but I told him it was the wrong reason to get back together. I also told him I would be there however he needed as a friend, but he insisted it was the perfect reason to get back together. I told him it wouldn't fix any of the reasons we broke up, and without those things addressed, then there was no reason to get back together and have it work. He hung up on me, because I didn't give him what he wanted and he was hurting. I never blamed him, but stuck to my requirements. I told him over and over that if he wanted me back, he would make his actions meet his words, and drive to my place, knock on my door and sit down and talk like two fucking adults and sort our shit out. That was the ONLY way I would consider getting back together. He never did.

We tried to be friends after the break up, it took us 3 years to achieve it. For the first three years, he would rage whenever it became clear he had zero control over me and not talk to me for weeks/months and then come back.

We then had a great friendship for years after he finally got past that (and got a new gf). We no longer have that friendship though, as he is absolutely insane. He is obsessed with sending voice messages instead of typing/texting. Over the years he had gotten me to get numerous different apps to do so. I deleted most of them because they didn't detect my soft voice so I couldn't respond and it was useless. I have an iphone, he had an iphone, he could send me voice messages that way, but would have to wait for responses until I had time to listen to them (usually after I got home from work) and then would get miserable that I wouldn't respond right away, even though we were just friends at this point.

The last app he asked me to get was Telegram. I hate this app, it is not user friendly and it didn't work well for my non-neurotypical brain to function with. I deleted it almost immediately, told him it made me want to punch babies. He lost his mind over me not liking an app, to the point you'd think it was HIS app that he created. Fast-forward to about a year and a half ago. I had forgotten about the stupid app, started talking to some guy on a dating app who asked if I had it, I said no, they asked me to get it so I did... and then immediately remembered it was the app I hated as soon as I opened it. My ex noticed in the 30 minutes max that I had it installed and messaged me, I responded and said "I'm deleting it again, don't get used to me using it" and deleted it.

He left me 4 raging voice messages on iMsg that were each over 3 minutes long about how I was such an absolutely horrible human (I listened to the first 20-30 seconds of the first message and then deleted the message thread) because of an APP. I was the crazy one because I didn't like an app, and somehow that made me a bad human?? Yeah... sure buddy.. pretty sure it's not normal to get that mad over someone not liking an app (especially when I had deleted many over the years). No idea why he is so obsessed and in love with that app, but we have since deleted every contact with each other and have not spoken since December 2019.

#talesfromtheexcrypts #vol 6 #8.5 years of bullshit #why was I so young and stupid #ugh #can't get time back #dodged a bullet #even if I thought he was *the one*#oh well #life goes on #and this is why I will never settle #can't believe I almost ended up with someone like this forever #and thought it was love

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briarrosescurse · 4 years

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to introduce roza a bit more, here is her night raven college student card ! [source]

with this, i'd like to go into detail about roza, her abilities as well as her background! you can find everything under the cut, as i'd prefer to not clog up everyone's dashboard but i'd appreciate it if you'd take a look ! ♡

i was inspired by both @/prometheanglory & @/not-so-averageheight-feline to work on roza’s nrc card !!

Name: Her first name is based off the word rose while her last name loosely stems off from the french verb 'dormir' - it means simply to sleep! Roza's full name is alluding to her inspiration, Princess Aurora a.k.a. Sleeping Beauty!

Dorm: Diasomnia! Truthfully, Roza doesn't fit the typical bill of a Diasomnia student if you were to compare her with Malleus or Silver for example, however, her magical potential was one of the main factors that led her to this dorm.

Year: A 2nd Year student! However, sometimes it's rather a surprise as, judging by her behavior, you could think she is a first year...

Message from student: Heavily stemming off a quote by Aurora in the movie! I purposefully left the second sentence to be vague - you could interpret this as her talking to the MC for example or perhaps even the four Diasomnia students. “We’ve met before, once upon a dream.”

Notes:

Crest: That crest she bears is not known to the public (unless you're someone born into a high position or just occupying a high position, such as fellow nobles or talented mages with a wide range of knowledge...), as the Dorimé family worked hard to keep that crest, simply called the Dorimé Crest, a secret. It not only indicates you're a Dorimé descendant, but that you also bear its curse. The curse is a rather vague concept, therefore there is not much to be said about it other than it had been cast upon the family many generations ago. It manifests itself in different ways, but usually shows a certain pattern: as much as it brings you fortune (whether it is in the form of power, luck, etc.), it'll be your misfortune.

For Roza, it brought her great magical potential - yet her powers are too much for a single person to bear and as a result, she is not fully in control of it. That causes explosive accidents for example. Only stronger, more experienced mages would notice that, at all times almost, Roza is emitting some kind of form of magic. Her powers are heavily influenced by her emotions, so to jumpscare her might be the wrong idea. (She is easy to scare; so you either might get hit by a lighting by accident or she'll scream and then pass out on you. Good luck catching her.)

Further than that, it amplifies her natural charm but also is the reason for her irregular sleeping pattern. She genuinely can't help it if she falls asleep during the bright afternoon for a few hours.

Family: Roza is the only child of her family and therefore the sole heiress! She would have had younger siblings if it weren't for her parents fearing for the worst. During Roza's childhood, especially during her earliest years, the family and its servants were observant in order to figure out how the Dorimé curse would manifest itself with Roza. When it turned out that she received powers that could not only bring herself but the people around her in danger, they decided it'd be for the best for her to grow up secluded and protected from the world. Her parents care deeply for their daughter but grew too protective of her. And so, Roza grew up sheltered, knowing now little to nothing about the world - other than having read (and sometimes listened) of others' experiences through books.

Her family is of nobility and very high in the rankings at that, too. They're more politically involved and thus, it wasn't uncommon for arranged marriages within the family. It may or may not apply for Roza as well, although that would speak against her own deepest wishes - her wish to find love.

Personality and hobbies:

Personality: Roza is a very loving and cheerful young lady! She aims to behave as lady-like, composed and demure as possible (as not only had she been taught to behave that way, but she felt inspired by the heroines of some novels as well), but often, she lets her child-like curiosity get the best of her. It's an, unbeknownst to her, urge to defy her guardians and follow her own path! She is very excitable and often very willing to explore and go on adventures, whether it's just something insignificant and silly or actually insightful and life changing even. Due to her sheltered upbringing, she doesn't know much about the world, having only a vague grasp on how it works and people interact and live together. Most of her knowledge comes from the plenty of novels she had read as she grew up - having only fueled her desire to meet the world and embrace it as it is - basically, she is rather naive but with good intentions.

Having grown up with strict homeschooling, she is also an earnest student and works hard to improve herself as well as prove herself to be worthy of Night Raven College. Pretty much a goody two shoes, but it's easy to drag her into trouble with you, if you were to cause some.

Roza is also a very emotional person which, as mentioned before, also influence her control of her powers. As she grew older, it became easier for her to keep it under control, yet hasn't fully mastered it yet. She was rather a destructive young child.

If I may so say - Roza is a bit of a heartthrob as well. Unintentionally so, however! Or rather, in other words, it's easier for her to draw attention to herself because or her curse. She finds it very difficult sometimes to deal with as she isn't used to it like this. Often she finds it hard to decipher whether it's positive or negative attention.

Lastly, Roza is a very devoted person, but I'll go into detail when I talk about the loyalty aspect in the grades part!

Hobbies: She doesn't have many hobbies because, as you can probably guess, there isn't much to do in a secured castle. However, Roza, while most likely not seeming so, enjoys to read quite a lot! Or rather, she had no other choice but to enjoy it. Reading all sorts of novels was one of her only ways to pass time when there were no lessons scheduled for the day. She read through basically almost all books of her family's personal library - except a few books she was prohibited to even touch or dictionaries. I won't deny that she did try to read a dictionary once... She fell asleep.

Other than that, she tried out a lot of things - baking (she burned herself) and sewing (she pricked herself, ironically enough) for example! She actually continues to sew from time to time but refuses to show the things she sews...?

Voice: I picked Satomi Satou as her VA! I was specifically thinking of Sheba from Fate/Grand Order, however perhaps a bit less excited? Alternatively, a good example of her tone would be Roon from Azur Lane (although... a little less crazy.)

Alternatively, her VA could be Sayaka Kanda! She voiced Anna from the Japanese Frozen dub. 'For The First Time In Forever' is a song that I find suits Roza quite well, even!

Expression: Roza speaks definitely more politely yet still has a very warm, friendly and inviting tone! (By feminine, I was specifically thinking of her using more typically feminine expressions if we were talking about how her speech pattern would be in Japanese.) And occasionally, she uses rather formal phrases out of habit. Makes her kind of sound like your typical clueless noble at times.

Physique: For someone her height, Roza is quite voluptuous. Very hug-able! However, if you think she is physically strong, you're off by a long shot. She is hardly athletic but for that, more softer!

Ability and skill: Most of that I've already mentioned before here! But basically, she has no focus in a certain field of magic but like her dormmates, succeeds in general magic the most! Her magical prowess is definitely very high tier, if we are talking about the strength and the variety of different attacks. However, for her they are still difficult to control properly. Physically, she is rather weak and wouldn't last very long if it came down to a fist fight.

Other than that, Roza is also (if we were to compare social, academic, emotional and practical intelligence) academically and emotionally intelligent! I'm not sure if you could put this into the skills category even, but I thought it might give a better idea of her abilities as a whole...?

Grades:

Concentration: 2.5

When it comes down to it, Roza is very hardworking and can put her mind into things! In class, she pays attention... as much as she can for someone who accidentally falls asleep and then wakes up again in the middle of lessons. Not only that, but she occasionally does get too excited and so, gets distracted. Well, at least she tries...?

Magic: 4.5

A very strong 4.5, for the reasons mentioned before already! Unfortunately, her lack of control knocked the score down by a bit. Surely, with a bit of hard work and time, it'll work out.

Intelligence: 4

So, as much as Roza can appear to be an absolute airhead (which she... kind of is?), she isn't an absolute idiot and can understand concepts foreign to her, primarily motivated by her curiosity, once properly taught to her that is. A lot of her time, specifically back home, is spent studying in order to achieve great scores. Further than that, Roza easily catches on if the mood in a room changes or someone appears to be e.g. displeased. She understands what emotion it is but has trouble to handle it properly due to inexperience. (For that though, she is more so eager to at least try to help.)

Loyalty: 5

A very solid 5! As I mentioned before, Roza is a very devoted person that it almost is borderline blind trust. She grows defensive quickly over loved ones. In general, she is someone who deems almost everyone as "good", amazing people! In the sense of "The world can't be that awful after all, right?"

If it were to come down to it, Roza would be actually willing to risk herself if it meant to please her loved ones. She is very trusting and very devoted, loyal! However, loyal to only a few certain people. Perhaps her loyalty may come off as quite strong sometimes, so it's a bit unsettling how casually she treats that.

Socializing: 3.5

She's always very eager to spend time with other people! It's fun for her to meet new people or just see her friends and be with them! However, her inexperience with socializing cause her to be rather socially awkward at the start, so that knocked her score down a few pegs. She tries! But sometimes a little too hard! Her first few weeks at Night Raven College were difficult times.

Physical: 1

A very measly 1, unfortunately. Like aforementioned, Roza is physically pretty weak and unfit. Roza isn't a very… sports loving person. Blame Vargas' lessons + the fact that, as she grew up homeschooled, sports had never been prioritized. Flying on a broom is quite the challenge for her!

Dexterity: 3.5

Pretty average score! Undeniably, Roza is a bit clumsy and sometimes, a wrong move and oops, she ruined that paper... Her fingers aren't the most nimble but with the help of continuously sewing as a hobby (she is awfully persistent about it), it had improved!

Vitality: 2

(I understood vitality in the sense of general energy.) Roza's score could have been a very solid 3.5, maybe even 4, as she is very energetic and lively person if excited! Almost endless energy like a child would have, a very outreaching spirit. However because of her curse, she sleeps a lot and often finds herself unable to stay awake due to sudden lack of energy. It's not always that intense, but it isn't rare for her either. It's truthfully really unfortunate as Roza herself is someone full of life.

Aaaand, that'd be about it! If you'd like to, feel free to check out this reblog here, as I went into detail there about Roza's relationships with a few others!

Thank you for reading! <3

#twisted wonderland #twisute #twisted wonderland oc #twisute oc #rozalina dorimé #night raven college student card #[my writing]#[twisute oc]

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cal-puddies · 5 years

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your kind of heaven || pt.1 i could use a love song || luke hemmings

its new, it’s luke. it’s inspired by a slew of maren morris songs. LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK!

pt 1. || pt 2 || pt. 3 || pt. 4 || pt. 5 || Pt. 6 || pt. 7 || pt. 8 || pt. 9 || pt. 10

Luke’s legs swing over the edge of the bed, “whiskey?” He asks, his voice is husky.

“Please.” You manage to respond.

He pulls on a pair of shorts he finds on the floor. “You gonna smoke?” He asks.

“Yeah.” You nod, grabbing the button up he’d come home in. You pull it on and follow him to the kitchen, grabbing the pack of cigarettes from the drawer while he makes the drinks. You step on your back porch and light the cigarette, taking a drag.

He comes out, a few moments behind you. You’d had enough time to stare out over the pool and think about the last couple of years and how you’d met Luke, all those years ago. You look down at the wedding band and engagement ring nestled together on your ring finger.

They didn’t mean what they did when he’d given them to you; hell, you weren’t even sure the two of you were in love anymore.

You were a songwriter, you’d been called in to

work on their album, Luke was still with Sierra, and everyone thought they’d get married.

You trade Luke, the drink for the cigarette. You’d always told him not to. It was bad for his lungs and voice, but he ignored you. Neither of you really smoked anyway. I few puffs off a cigarette after sex barely constitutes smoking.

“Congrats on the award babe.” You say quietly.

“Thanks love. What’s on your schedule this week?” He asks, handing the cigarette back.

“Toronto… working with Shawn.” You watch his nostrils flare. Shawn was never shy about being into you, always more than happy to flirt with you right in front of Luke, which drove him crazy.

“Shawn, huh? I thought…”

“We work well together Luke, you can't deny that.”

“I’d like to,” He groans. “Does it always have to fuckin be Shawn?”

“What makes you so mad about Shawn?” You ask, “is it really that he’s so flirty or is it that you see what our relationship was like in the beginning?” Luke inhales sharply, “it’s not like I respond to it, I know who I’m married to.” You say quietly. You put the rest of the cigarette out and take the last drink of your whiskey before turning to go back to bed.

Shawn sent the private jet for you, so you were mostly just alone with your thoughts for the 4.5 hours. You played with your rings, slipping them on then off your finger multiple times. You looked them over. They were beautiful. Luke had done a great job with both.

You remember when you and Luke clicked. There was initial attraction, you worked with them the first time, and then they wanted you back for the next album.

Luke was still very much with Sierra. And your life had changed drastically; going from being practically engaged to burying your fiancé after a very aggressive form of cancer took him over. He was the love of your life, you were sure, it was devastating.

They didn’t know, you guys weren’t that close after the first time working together. You kept it that way.

But they all could tell something was different. Luke pulled out an old song the two of had started the first time around, but you couldn’t get it finished. You guys sat for hours, everyone else had left, and you finally finished it; it became one of their best songs, Luke’s vocals made it so emotional and raw, and he took it so seriously because you’d been honest with him about where it was coming from. it’s also what ruined Luke and Sierra, but started you and Luke.

Luke had wanted to comfort you in the best way he knew how, he wanted to be close to you, after you'd explained everything. He’d kissed you. You pushed him off, you couldn’t let him cheat on Sierra.

But you couldn’t help how easy it was to talk to him, so you continued to do so. Texts and phone calls, meetups, any time of day or night. If either of you needed it, the other of you was there.

Then he’s showing up, middle of the night, a wreck, because they’d broken up. Sierra felt like Luke wasn’t all in anymore. She could see his attention was pulled and it wasn’t just his music. He didn’t understand how she could say or feel that way. She knew the two of you were just friends.

He spent days, sprawled on your bed, begging you to keep the curtains drawn and just let him be. You do, you leave him be, and you’re there when he wants you there.

You remember the way his fingers curled into the ends of your hair, when he needed you to be there. The way he pulled you tight against him.

The jealousy when he hooked up with a string of girls after he left your place, his rebounds.

Showing up to his place mad as hell, that he’d held onto you so tightly and talked to you about everything and then he was hooking up with randoms right in front of you.

He brought you in, and neither of you had been with anyone since.

Luke’s hands were softer on your body than you’d expected. His fingertips brushed along your stomach as he carefully pulled your shirt off. He was so slow with everything, he said you deserved someone who would take their time.

His lips gently pressed everywhere; Your neck, along your collarbone. He smiled so sweetly before making you cum on his tongue. You could tell that every touch was deliberate.

“Sorry about all the girls.” He whispered, “I needed to be ready for you though.” His lips pressed gently to yours. “I couldn’t go straight to you, not with Sierra still in my system. But I’m all yours now.” He promised. His lips pressed hard to yours as he got got himself in position above you. “This ok?” He checked.

“Of course Luke.” You nod, actually a little nervous. You hadn’t really been with anyone since your fiancé, choosing to drink your pain over anything else.

He’d convinced you to marry him within a year after that. He didn’t care that your heart would always be somewhat broken. He loved the silent strength you always seemed to have. He loved the support you always provided. He didn’t care that his friends thought it was too fast, because you two felt it was right.

His mom was pissed that you eloped, but you promised her something more traditional when they had more time, when they had a break between albums.

Cal found out first. He’d run into you while you were out around town, they only had a few weeks off and Luke couldn’t keep his hands off of you. He noticed the rings. He tried to play it cool, but you saw right through it.

He warmed up to it the fastest, though. Luke forced him to spend time with the two of you, so he could see it first hand. And in the end, he understood.

So you went back on tour with Luke. And you dealt with the weirdness from Michael and Ash until they accepted it.

Ash was the worst, standoffish and always finding ways to make little digs at you. A lot of insinuating that you wanted Luke’s money, or to be attached to his name, despite the fact you made more than them, and you did any and everything to avoid being noticed when with them. He loved Sierra and he wasn’t shy to let you know that.

It took him a while to finally sit down with you, but it wasn’t easy and it wasn’t one conversation. He was fiercely protective of Luke; He didn’t hear what you wanted to say at all. Luke had to step in.

And then it was the fans. They loved Sierra and they barely knew you, but they knew Luke loved you. Most of them had warmed up faster than Ashton had.

You stare down at the wedding band. You were married before Luke ever really had to deal with any of your issues. But he took them in stride. He hadn’t realized how far back your string of bad luck seemed to go, how he was the first really good thing for you to hold onto. And he never wanted to let you down.

He’d never gotten to meet any of your family. Your mom took your older brother when your parents split and you'd never spoken to either of them again. She didn’t ever pretend, she hated that you were a daughter and not a second son. From what you understood when you got older, is that they had a new life and you had two half brothers you’d never meet.

Your father died from a heart attack when you were 16. It was traumatizing. You’d been playing soccer in a local park together, he’d mentioned some pain but insisted on playing through. He fell, holding his chest, and he never got back up. He never left the hospital.

You were only 2 years younger than Luke, but at 27, he was convinced you’d experienced more tragedy than most would in their entire lives. He knew you and your fiancé had loved intensely, his cancer diagnosis and the miscarriage almost ended you.

He wanted to make sure you never felt that kind of loneliness again. You’d always be loved and wanted, he’d make sure of that.

Your phone buzzes in your hand and it draws you out.

-sorry I was a jerk last night. Write something great, I know you will. Love you. Luke had texted.

He wasn’t stupid. He could feel the strain in your relationship. You both felt like you were being pulled apart.

And you just didn’t have time. Barely for yourself, and not at all for each other. You were always being pulled away from one another.

The night before, that you’d spent in bed together, was the first in months and it’d be the last for almost 2 months, since he was coming off tour and you were on your way to write with Shawn.

-s’ok Luke, I know you get it, but I know it stresses you out too. You text back. Love you.

But it felt a little like too little, too late.

Taglist: @cocktail-calum @1dthewantedlove @september09241994 @youngblood199456 @lustingforwunder @calumsphile @neso-k @rosecoloredash @radmcqueen @justayoungandwisefangirl @itsnotmyblood @slimthicccal @softboycal @lietoash @pushthetide21 @5sosfanficrec @pinkbubbles-and-bigtroubles @therealmrshale

masterlist || ashton || calum || luke || michael

wanna be tagged? go here

#luke hemmings #your kind of heaven #i could use a love song #its a maren morris song #cass #5sos #5 seconds of summer #husband!luke #shawn mendes #lrh #5 seconds of summer fic #5sos fic #let me know what you think

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lilacflamesss · 5 years

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Shattered (Chapter 10)

Smutty Ayahina College AU

Summary: Hinami tries to deal with her sorrows through seeking Ayato out. Ayato can never turn away the girl he loves far more than he should. Two people with unrequited feelings, dealing with them in very different ways. Human AU. (14.9k words)

Warning: This fic contains unhealthy coping mechanisms, heavy sexual content, and plenty of problematic/ dubious things which I absolutely do not condone at all. This is a work of fiction that takes on a more mature, physical take on Ayahina’s relationship as opposed to the typical conventional one. Please feel free not to read this fic if it’s not your cup of tea! Additional trigger warning for stillbirth since this is an add-on to the previous chapters and infidelity.

A/N: I spent so long debating if I should post this and then I decided, hey, why not? Enjoy! There might be a lot of typos and spelling mistakes in here but please just ignore them because I am way too sleepy to proofread them lmao. Please do reblog this and feel free to leave some comments!

Preview:

“It’s going to be okay, Ayato,” she says softly. She pushes him away slightly, just so she can cup his face and stare into his eyes. “It’s going to be okay.”

“It’s not.” He furrows his brows as he speaks. He sighs and closes his eyes. “It’s not going to be okay, Hinami. This is all I’m going to have.”

“That’s not true,” she argues. “I’m sure it’ll get better.”

He pulls away from her, turning away. For a moment, she worries he might leave but instead, he sighs again and sits down, leaning against the cabinet. They’re silent for a moment-- him looking up at the ceiling and her watching him. Ayato shakes his head.

“It won’t. I know it won’t,” he whispers.

If there’s any time for her to say it, she supposes she should say it now. “Ayato, if I say something now, will you promise to take it seriously?”

He shrugs. “I don’t think there’s anything I won’t if it’s from you.”

“If… I say I love you, how will you react?” she murmurs.

He shrugs again, his nonchalant disposition starting to really bother her. “I don’t know.”

“That’s upsetting.”

“Why?”

“Because I kinda do think I like you… in that manner,” she admits.

Normally, she’d be asleep at this time of the day. But she had started a very good book and it’s far too interesting to drop it to go and sleep. In fact, when her phone rang, she’s tempted to ignore it and continue reading. It’s the semester break now and she has no projects or assignments that would require anyone to contact her. She doesn’t even call or text her friends much. Tomoe is rarely on her phone and Hinami doesn’t really have any other friends. She had hung out with Miza and Naki before but she was never really close to them. They were more of Ayato’s friends and when he was with them, she had joined in. But now that Ayato and her barely talked, she doesn’t interact much with them either.

Hinami lets out a sigh. She puts her book down, gets up and walks to her table. Her phone continues to vibrate. The screen is lit and she sees a name that some time ago, would probably have made her very excited. She’s actually surprised that when ‘Big Brother’ continues to flash at her from the screen, she doesn’t hesitate in nervousness, her palms don’t sweat and it doesn’t feel like there’s a change in her heart rate at all. She picks it up casually.

“Hello?”

There are different kinds of sounds aside from Kaneki’s breathing on the other end of the line. She can hear background noises— clinking of glass, laughter and people talking. But she doesn’t hear his voice.

“Big Brother?”

“Touka… is that you?” Kaneki’s voice is soft and haggard.

“No, Big Brother. It’s me, Hinami.”

“Hinami?” he murmurs and for a second, it sounds like he doesn’t recognize the name. A brief moment of silence follows before he coughs and chuckles a little. “Oh! Hinami! What are you doing with Touka’s phone? Did you come over?”

She’s confused for a moment. She checks the phone in the hand. It is hers— Ayato had gotten her that custom-made cover for her birthday in their first year of college. She places it back to her ear. “This is my phone and I’m in my dorm.”

“I am pretty sure I called Touka though,” he sighs. His voice is a little slurred and she’s never heard him like that before.

“Are you drunk, Big Brother?” she asks.

“No, I’m not!”

“You’re drunk, aren’t you? Where are you now?”

“I’m at Miss Itori’s place. Uh… what’s it called again?” He’s louder when he asks for its name, probably directing it at someone else. Whoever is with him, perhaps the Miss Itori he mentioned, answers him, though her voice is too muffled for Hinami to make out. Hinami freezes. A ‘Miss’. He’s at a woman’s place. What does this mean? Who is this Itori anyway? Does Touka know about this?

“Big Brother, where are you again?”

“I told you. I’m at Miss Itori’s place. It’s a bar called Helter Skelter.”

Hinami relaxes. So Miss Itori is probably the owner of the bar he’s at now. She’s still a little suspicious, though. He seems well-acquainted with her. Hinami wonders if Touka knows about this person.

“Big Brother, it’s late. Don’t you think you should be going home—” She’s cut off as she hears some crashing noises, followed by loud voices talking over each other. She tries calling for Kaneki a few times, but there’s no answer. The call continues on without being cut, but Kaneki doesn’t seem to be on the phone anymore.

Her heartbeats might not have picked up just now but now they’re racing. She doesn’t get a response from him at all and she knows that he’s in a shady and probably really dangerous place. Something might have happened to him. Without much hesitation, she takes her coat and pulls it on. As she leaves her dormitory, she pulls up the map on her phone, searching for directions to the place he had mentioned. She wonders if she should inform Touka about it. The last time she had talked to Touka was the day they had gone for lunch together three months ago. After that, she hasn’t seen or heard from her. Touka will probably figure that something is up if she calls her. Hinami really didn’t want to worry Touka, especially not if it turns out to be nothing at all. She’ll check up on Kaneki and then she’ll decide what to do.

Helter Skelter is a bar in a more quiet part of town. It’s a pretty secluded place. She had to walk through an alley before she could arrive at the entrance. The moment she steps into the area, she already dislikes it. She wonders why Kaneki would even be here. It looks like the kind of place someone like Ayato would hang out in, not Kaneki.

A small lump rise in her throat. Thoughts of Ayato continue to surface in her mind, even at the most random of things. She thought that it would be easier to forget him. After that night they had, it felt like she had gotten to understand his side of things before and that she had gotten the closure she didn’t manage to when he broke it off with her the first time. She believed that it would have made it easier for her to forget him, but it didn’t. She couldn’t stop herself from pulling him back when he was about to leave. They did it twice in the morning even though she had promised herself that night was their last. She didn’t want to let him go. She didn’t want to lose him.

But she did and now she has to live with it.

She shakes her head before she pushes the door and slides in. The bar doesn’t seem too crowded and it’s a lot quieter than she had expected it to be. Things did seem pretty wild when Kaneki had called her but now it looks like everything had died down. There were a couple of others seated around the place, but Hinami finds him at the counter immediately, hunched over and holding a half-filled glass in one hand. In front of him, on the other side of the counter, stands a woman. She’s dressed pretty erotically. Even though she’s wearing a dress that Hinami assumes probably falls to the floor, the back is completely bare and her cleavage is emphasised a lot from the low-cutting collar as well. She’s without a doubt beautiful, despite her heavy make-up. Her hair is bright pink. It’s probably dyed, but it’s a colour that seems to suit her a lot.

That woman is probably Miss Itori.

Hinami walks over to Kaneki and sits on the seat beside him, lightly shaking him. “Big Brother!” she hisses.

Kaneki groans but other than that, there’s not much response. Hinami tries again, shaking him harder.

“He drunk quite a lot today,” the woman says. “I’ve never seen you around before. Such a beautiful girl. Are you perhaps the Touka I keep hearing about? I’m Itori. I run this place. Could I get you anything to drink?”

She really does seem close to Kaneki. Hinami finds herself being wary of this woman. Even if there’s nothing suspicious going on between Kaneki and her, this woman herself is just too shady. “No, it’s okay. I’m good. And I’m not Touka.”

“Oh?” Itori seems surprised. “Kaneki has never mentioned another beautiful girl in his life before. Are you perhaps… his side bitch?” There’s a glint in her eyes as she speaks.

Hinami can probably throw up from the thought. “No, he’s my Big Brother.”

“How adorable! I didn’t know he has a little sister,” Itori laughs, clapping her hands together. “The two of you look nothing alike, though.”

She could admit that they’re not related, but somehow, she feels that it might only bring about more complications. Instead, she shrugs and changes the topic. “I really should bring him home now, so if you’d excuse me.” She turns back to him, trying to shake him again.

“That’s easy,” Itori says. Hinami pays no mind to her, though she can see the woman moving about from the corner of her eye. She’s still shaking Kaneki when it happens. One moment, everything is normal and the next, his head is wet and he’s jumping to his feet. Hinami looks over at Itori, who’s holding an empty glass in her hand with a smirk.

“What’s the big deal, Miss Itori?” Kaneki groans aloud. “I’ve had a long day.”

“Your dear little sister here is trying to take you home but you’re not waking up so I thought I’d help her.”

“Huh?” Kaneki frowns and then looks to Hinami, taking his seat in the process. “Oh, why are you here, Hinami?”

“You called me and then you stopped talking all of a sudden and I heard some weird noises so I was worried and I came to check up on you. Is everything okay?” she asks.

“Everything is fine,” Kaneki insists.

“So what was the noise?”

“I don’t know.”

“Nothing really happened. If you’re the one he was calling just now, some fight was happening and someone happened to bump into him in the process and he turned his attention away from his phone. He must have forgotten about the call,” Itori sighs. It seems like she’s about to talk some more but a middle-aged man appears and sits down three seats away. Itori excuses herself and goes to him instead.

“Come on Big Brother, let’s go home already,” Hinami sighs, tugging on his arm.

“Let me finish this drink first,” he murmurs. She watches him. At the speed in which he’s sipping the drink, it’s going to take a long time. “You can go back first if you want.”

“No, you’re too drunk to be going home by yourself,” Hinami sighs.

“I’m fine. I’m not that drunk.”

“You were asleep when I came in,” she points out.

“I had a long day at work and I came here for more information. I’m not so drunk that I cannot return home on my own, Hinami,” he says.

“Drunk people do stupid things. You’re not fine.”

“That sounds like experience,” Kaneki chuckles. “Didn’t think you were the type to drink. What happened?”

“It was only once,” Hinami admits, turning away from him. She hesitates before she speaks again. She’d rather not tell him about this, but if Touka knew what was going on between her and Ayato, she won’t be surprised if Kaneki does too. Maybe she might get something out of being honest with him as well. Her feelings for Kaneki aside, it’s also true that she misses the time she was able to confide in him about everything, back when they were still close and he really felt like an older brother. Siblings confide in each other a lot, don’t they? It’s the impression she got from the books she’s read before. “I lost my virginity.”

Kaneki’s silent for a moment. He takes a sip of his drink and places it down before he starts to rub his temples. There’s a slight grimace on his face. “Touka is right. You’re not a little kid anymore. I need to stop thinking that way,” he sighs.

“What do you mean?”

There’s another moment of silence from him as he stares at his glass, rubbing the sides with his thumb. His face seems thoughtful. Perhaps he’s remembering the conversation he and Touka had when she had told him that. He places it on the countertop, crosses his arms and lets out a sigh.

“You and Ayato… when Touka told me the kind of relationship the two of you have, I didn’t like it at all,” Kaneki admits. Hinami feels her cheeks heat up immediately. She never wanted Kaneki to find out about this, but she had never told Touka to keep it a secret from him either.

“Big Brother, about that,” she says quickly, “we’re not doing it anymore.”

“Yes, but you’ve already done it, haven’t you?” he laughs. “You’re already over 20. You’re an adult now. Even though to me you’ll always be that little girl I had to look after at one point, I have to move on from that thought and accept that you’re all grown up.”

“Is that so?” Her cheeks are probably still red. Yet, this embarrassment doesn’t feel like those in the past which had her timid and sheepish around Kaneki. It feels like Kaneki is doting on her too much and Hinami simply has no idea how to deal with all the attention he’s giving her. She really has changed after all.

“Ayato is…” Kaneki pauses to take a sip and then stare blankly at a wall for a second or two before continuing, “Ayato and I have our differences. Things have happened in the past that can’t be undone. I don’t think I will ever forget all the pain he has put Touka through and he definitely will never forget what I did to him. Even then, he’s really worried both Touka and I a lot the past few years. I tried my best to look for him and with my resources and my job, I could, but Touka wanted to give him space so I had left it be. Still, she continued to worry about him like the caring big sister she is.”

Kaneki chuckles to himself and takes another sip. It feels weird sitting with him and talking to him about this of all things. Hinami doesn’t know how exactly to take all this. She remains silent, not knowing what to say. She’s supposed to move on from Ayato, but here she is talking about him and thinking about him again.

Just like every single day since they’ve separated.

“Despite all that happened,” Kaneki continues, “he’s a good person deep down, Hinami. I know he’ll take care of you so please take care of him too. The two of you suit each other.”

And now, her heart starts to race and it’s almost hard to breathe. The place is well-ventilated and it is far from being crowded and stuff. But even then, it’s suffocating. Kaneki’s words hang in the back of her mind like an added burden. The two of you suit each other. She feels like choking. She feels like being honest. No. No, we don’t suit each other. She can’t suit him, especially not after how much of an idiot she had been around him and how much she had unknowingly done to hurt him.

“We’re not together anymore,” she admits.

“Huh?” There’s genuine surprise in his voice as he turns and looks at her. Hinami wonders if Touka had told him about this too. Maybe he’d forgotten, or maybe Touka really didn’t. Either way, he seems completely taken aback and Hinami can see it in his eyes that he doesn’t believe her.

“We stopped doing that. We promised to stay on as friends but we barely spoke after that unless we really need to. It’s awkward being around him. I can’t even look him in the eyes when we pass each other in hallways,” she sighs.

“You two broke up?”

“Didn’t Big Sister tell you?”

Kaneki frowns. “Touka? She didn’t tell me anything.”

“Big Sister told us the kind of relationship we had wasn’t healthy and she’s right. We’ve only been using each other and it just became too complicated for either of us to bear,” Hinami says. “I shouldn’t have done it. Because Ayato was in love with me, maybe he really wanted it but I was never in love with him so I should have objected to it.”

Kaneki’s frown doesn’t falter. He simply stares at her for a long while before speaking. “I think you’re misunderstanding a lot of things.”

It looks like she’s getting herself into another lecture. First with Touka and now with Kaneki.

“Like what?” Hinami asks.

“Well for starters, are you sure you’re really not in love with him?”

It’s almost instinct for her to deny any attraction to Ayato, especially when she’s talking to Kaneki. But she hesitates. The truth is, she still doesn’t know what kind of feelings she has for him. He’s important to her. Living without him right now makes her feel empty. She still longs to touch him again despite the long night they had shared with each other before separating.

Kaneki watches her for a moment, but it seems like her silence gave him the answer he needed. He turns away and takes another drink. This time, he chugs the remaining liquid down, finishing it all in one go, before slamming the cup on the countertop.

“You’re still not all that grown up after all,” he muses.

“Big Brother?”

“It’s cute how lost and confused you are right now,” Kaneki chuckles. “But listen to me, Hinami, you are in love with him.”

This time, her instincts take over. “No, Big Brother, I definitely am not in love with him! Ayato isn’t even my type and I’m not really into hot guys either. The one I love is you and—” She stops, cutting herself off immediately. But it’s too late by then. She’s said it and Kaneki clearly heard it.

It’s all over now. He found out. They won’t be able to keep this relationship any longer. It’s going to be too awkward. Maybe he might even find her strange and creepy, to fall for the older brother figure in her life. Maybe he’s going to be warier around her now. Maybe he’s going to cut her off completely. She doesn’t want that— not at all.

Ayato’s already gone. She doesn’t want anyone else to leave.

She expected a weird expression on Kaneki’s face but when she gets the courage to look up at him, he only seems thoughtful. He doesn’t even look shocked. In fact, he’d seem more surprised when she said she wasn’t in love with Ayato.

“Big Brother, about that—”

“Hinami,” he cuts in, sighing softly. His voice is soft and gentle, just like the Big Brother she had always known and loved. “You’re not in love with me.”

“No, Big Brother, I was— I am. My feelings for you are real,” she says. She can’t bear to look at him. It’s too embarrassing. She’s terrified. She doesn’t know what this would mean for them. She doesn’t know how he’s going to handle it. “I know this might come as a big shock but I hope this doesn’t change anything about us. I won’t come between you and Touka or—”

“It’s not really a shock, not right now at least,” Kaneki interrupts again. “Touka had told me a while back that she suspects you liked me and well, it was a shock back then. Maybe you might have those feelings for me at one point and maybe they were real back then but I know for a fact that it’s not the case now.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Do you remember that rainy night when Ayato came over to our place? You had thought something happened to him and you came here too, right?”

Of course, she remembers that day. It was the day that changed everything.

“Yes.”

“Do you remember what happened when you entered my place?” Kaneki asks.

She takes a moment to think hard and she realises she doesn’t. She’d been a mess at that point. She was so worried that she hadn’t cared about anything but Ayato. She was trying her best to look for him. Nothing else registered in her mind except that she had to find him and she had to make sure he’s safe. She can’t remember anything, aside from finding Ayato in the living room and pulling him into a heated make-out session. She wonders if Kaneki was talking about that. He had caught them after all.

“That was… I thought he was going to do something to himself and I was worried. I lost myself in the worry and kissed him and then things started getting more heated and that’s all!” Her voice gets muffled the more she speaks. It’s too embarrassing admitting all these to Kaneki, even though she knows he saw it all.

“Not that,” Kaneki sighs with a slight annoyance lingering in his eyes. “I mean when you first stepped in. You couldn’t be bothered to give me a second glance, you were not listening to what I was saying and you pushed me away a couple of times. It’s like you were possessed or something. All the time I was holding you, you were trying to pull away from me. It’s quite hard for me to believe you’re in love with me when you acted like that.”

“I was worried, Big Brother.” She doesn’t know why she’s arguing with him. What’s the point of continuing this conversation? What does it even matter who she likes? Kaneki is married and she has no chance with him. Ayato doesn’t want her anymore— he shouldn’t.

“In my line of work, I’ve seen a lot of worried people. I can tell from your eyes. You weren’t worried about any random friend. There’s something different about him— something special,” Kaneki says.

Kaneki’s words are so cheesy and absurd. Hinami knows it must be the alcohol talking. She shouldn’t take any of this seriously. She hopes he doesn’t remember this conversation when he wakes up the next day. She knows that she’s the kind to forget whatever had happened when she’s drunk. Till now, she can’t recall the first time she slept with Ayato. He’s able to remember it so he’d told her about it, but since she can’t remember, the experience still feels foreign, like she’s watching a scene from the lenses of a third party.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” she huffs. “You’re too drunk.”

“Drunk or not, I’m not blind and I wasn’t drunk then,” Kaneki argues. “Hinami, listen, when I saw you the other day, I realised that you’d do anything for him without even realising it.”

“He’s just a good friend, Big Brother. Why can’t I be this dedicated to a friend? He still is important to me,” she insists.

“Why are you so desperate not to be in love with him?” Kaneki asks, genuinely interested. He scoots closer to her and raises an eyebrow. “Won’t it be easier if you really are in love with him? That complicated and weird relationship you had won’t be complicated anymore, will it?”

She wonders why herself. She remains silent, thinking about it. She’s yet to come to an answer when she feels Kaneki shifting closer and she turns to see his face merely inches away from hers. He’s close enough for her to feel his breath on her, for her to see the minute details of his face and for her to bask in the complete attention he’s giving her. Kaneki has never looked at her like this before and he’s never been this close to her before. This is everything she’s ever wanted.

Or so she thought.

“Big Brother?”

“Can I ask you a question?” he asks slowly, voice deep as he takes his time to articulate every word. He sounds… sexy.

She forces the lump down her throat. Her palms are starting to sweat a lot. “What is it, Big Brother?”

“If I’m not married right now, what will you do?”

Her eyes go wide at this. Kaneki’s close enough for her to see herself reflected in his eyes. She looks like a total idiot-- confused and somewhat flustered. She considers his question, genuinely pondering over it. If he’s not married right now, she can do whatever she wants. If he’s not married, they won’t be cheating or betraying anyone. If he’s not married, there’s nothing stopping her from getting what she wants.

If I can’t have you, then I’ll have to live with it.

She feels suffocated. Her eyes are burning.

One day, someone amazing will come into your life. They’ll sweep you off your feet and they’ll love you deeply as well.

She feels like crying.

That person will make you forget all about Kaneki.

Her stomach churns. She feels like throwing up.

When they come, trust me, you will be happy and you’ll never be alone again.

This is everything she ever wanted, right? Even as she keeps reciting it in her head, it hurts all over. Her hand moves to her chest, clutching her top.

So even if it might be hard, you have to stay strong and wait till that person comes, okay?

She made a promise to him.

Ayato…

“No, I--”

Kaneki looks away and she stops. He raises his head. His face lights up, as if he recognises someone from behind her. “Oh, Ayato?”

Hinami freezes. He’s right behind her. God knows how long he’s been there. Kaneki had been watching her. He wouldn’t have noticed it either if Ayato had been there earlier on. He might have seen them; he might have seen them being so close. She can’t even start to imagine how it’ll feel for him to see her and Kaneki sitting this close, looking into each other’s eyes. He might get the wrong idea.

He might think something is going on.

She doesn’t want him to think that way at all.

“Ayato! This isn’t what it looks like!” She’s up on her feet, screaming as she turns around. Only, she doesn’t see Ayato. The only person before her is the old man sitting a few seats down, who’s too drunk to pay any mind to her, and Itori who was serving him. Itori looks over at her and raises an eyebrow and Hinami turns away immediately, glaring at Kaneki. Her heart is still racing in her chest. She’s breathing hard. Sitting in silence now, Hinami realises just how unsettled she had gotten from that small incident. Kaneki, on the other hand, is sitting upright and watching her with a victorious expression.

“Big Brother, what was that?” she hisses.

“You got really worked up over him,” Kaneki muses.

“I didn’t want him to get the wrong idea! What if he tells Touka about it?” Hinami cries out. Kaneki raises his eyebrow at her in complete disbelief and he’s right to feel that way, she supposes. Touka hadn’t crossed her mind at all. It wasn’t the thought of Touka that had prompted her to say something. It was the thought of Ayato seeing them and getting the wrong idea. Somehow, for some reason, Hinami hadn’t wanted Ayato to think that there’s something going on between her and Kaneki.

What is this feeling?

“Well whatever you say,” Kaneki sighs. He gets up, slamming a couple of notes onto the countertop. “I should go home now. Touka would probably still be up waiting for me.”

He sways as he walks and Hinami knows that she really shouldn’t let him go off on his own, even if he isn’t driving. She gets up and follows after him.

“I’m coming with you. I’ll send you home,” she says.

“All the way home?”

“Yeah.”

“Ah but he is--” Kaneki pauses, frowning for a moment before he smiles and nods. “Okay. Thanks, Hinami!”

“This is boring,” Ayato says, amidst his yawn. Beside him, Touka nods in agreement. Despite their boredom though, both siblings continue to watch the action movie playing on the tv. Ayato has no idea what’s going on anymore. The plot was lost to him halfway through the movie. The actors and actresses are pretty good looking but there’s only so long before he starts losing interest in watching hot people do the same stunts over and over again. His mouth itches for a stick but he’s made a promise to himself not to smoke in Touka’s house. “Sis, why aren’t we in bed again?”

“You can go to sleep if you want to. I’m waiting for Kaneki. I have no idea what that idiot is up to so late in the day,” Touka says flatly, eyes still glued to the screen. Even though she’s looking in the direction of the television, she looks preoccupied. Something must be bothering her.

“What’s so special about the gem they’re protecting, again?” he asks.

Touka shrugs. “I don’t know. I wasn’t paying attention.”

“Then what were you doing?”

“I was thinking about stuff,” Touka admits.

“Stuff?”

“You, mainly.” He looks over at her. Even though she had started talking about him, she’s still not looking at him. The two of them are silent for a short moment before Touka sighs and slumps further in her seat. “How are you doing?”

He knows where this is going the moment she asks him that question but he chooses to feign innocence. “I’m fine.”

“I find that hard to believe when you keep coming here to sleep over almost every night,” Touka points out.

“You want me to come home more, don’t you?”

“I do and I’m really glad you do come back frequently,” Touka says, though her voice betrays her bitterness. She turns and looks at him, frowning. “Why don’t you just move back in here then? You’re wasting money on rent.”

“Not a chance,” he scoffs.

“Why?”

“Why? Because…” Ayato pauses. He had immediately discarded the idea of moving in; it had been almost instinctive. It would be financially easier on him if he simply moved back home. He and Touka aren’t on bad terms anymore so there’s nothing keeping him apart. He had broken up with Oohashi and she had left the place, which meant he’s just alone in there. Hinami and him are supposed to remain as friends, but she still keeps her distance from him. She’s not living with him anymore.

But what if she comes back?

He brings his knees up onto the couch and hugs them tightly, eyes returning to the tv screen. There’s nothing going on much in the film now. The main characters are having a heated, intimate moment after narrowly escaping danger with their lives— a very generic and boring scene.

“I need space for my fishes,” he says flatly after a long time of silence. Touka’s sigh comes immediately. Glancing at her from the corner of his eyes, she sees her shaking his head.

“There’s enough space here for your fish tanks,” Touka says.

“Fine. I can’t smoke in here with Ichika around,” he snaps.

Touka frowns. “Then you can just drop the habit entirely.”

“Never happening.”

“You could do it outside the house. No one would have a problem with that,” Touka points out. He falls silent again, trying to think up another excuse. When he’s silent, Touka smirks and continues, “You worried that you won’t have the privacy to bring girls home or something?”

“No,” Ayato snorts. “I don’t even bring any home.”

“Sure you don’t.” Touka doesn’t sound like she believes him and she would be right on that aspect. He does bring girls home, but it’s never a frequent thing. Aside from Hinami, there were only two others times this year and they were with the same girl, whom he’s very sure isn’t going to appear before him anymore.

“Maybe I should consider moving,” he relents. Maybe it’s for the best.

“What if Hinami comes back then? You gonna ask her to live here too?”

He tries his best not to react much, but his body language must have given more away than he intended it to. When he turns to Touka, she’s smirking at him victoriously. He can’t help the way his throat tightens up or the way his heartbeat picks up when she mentioned Hinami. He doesn’t have an idea what kind of expression he has on right now. But even without him saying anything, Touka has it all figured out.

He could really use a stick now.

“She won’t come back,” he says. She shouldn’t. He shouldn’t let her.

“You sound really disappointed,” Touka chuckles. “I didn’t tell you about this at all but a while back, I met Hinami. We talked a lot. I got to know her better.”

“I know. She told me.”

“She did? I thought you guys weren’t talking anymore.”

“I met her the day after to pass some of her work to her. We talked a bit,” he recounts. “Hinami told me that you told her everything, even the things I don’t want her knowing. Why did you do that?”

“I wanted her to know. It isn’t fair that she only knows half the story,” Touka says it frankly. He knows from her tone that no matter what he tries to say or do, Touka won’t change her mind. To her, this is the right thing.

“She got hurt by it.”

“Knowing that we were hiding stuff from her also hurts her. At least with this information, she’s given the chance to come to terms with it herself and move on afterwards.”

“I hope she gets over it quickly,” he murmurs. “I don’t want her being held back by this.”

“Really? You don’t want it at all?” Touka snickers. “The thought doesn’t appeal to you at all? Hinami thinking about you every day, every moment of her life? Don’t you want to be that important to her as well? Oh, you’re turning red.”

His cheeks are burning indeed. He feels terrible about it but Touka isn’t completely wrong. It never used to matter to him what kind of relationship they had as long as he could be close to her. Maybe he really was acting selfishly all along. Sometimes he finds himself wondering: was everything really about making her feel better or was it about making himself feel better? What does it matter how she feels if he could sleep with her? He can’t be her boyfriend but he had her in bed, he was her first and he was the one she’s only ever been with for now. Hinami’s a popular girl and a lot of guys would die for the chance to do anything with her; but it’s only Ayato who’s been able to touch her, kiss her and fuck her almost every night when they were together. It was a good arrangement for him. He had nothing to lose.

No.

He shakes his head. No. That isn’t it. That’s never been it. He doesn’t want to think that way, not even to comfort himself.

He doesn’t care about those other guys. It wasn’t supposed to be about him. It was supposed to be about her. It was supposed to be about making her feel better. Just thinking about all this is making him feel really sick. It’s too tiring to think about it. He doesn’t have the energy to do it. Maybe if he could smoke something now it would be good. Perhaps he should head back to his apartment that night instead of staying here. Touka might be fine with him smoking on the porch, but he doesn’t have any cigarettes with him. He had made a vow to himself that Ichika should never see him with them. He doesn’t even know why he did that. Pretend as he might, the fact still remains that he’s probably the worst person she’s associated with right now.

“Ayato.” He turns to his sister when he hears her voice. Touka isn’t smiling anymore. Her face is more serious now. Her brows are furrowed. She’s leaning towards him a little. “Hey, I was just teasing you. Ayato? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” It’s obvious from his tone that it’s a lie but Ayato couldn’t care much about it. He’s with Touka. He has nothing to hide from her.

“You know, I’m actually glad I had that talk with Hinami,” Touka admits with a sigh. She scoots over to him so they’re now seated beside each other, arms touching. “We talked about a lot things. She told me stuff about you I didn’t know as well.”

“Like what?” Ayato can’t think of something about him that Hinami would know which Touka didn’t. Hinami doesn’t know anything about him. He’s never told her anything about himself. He never wanted to worry her with his problems, especially when she has her own issues to deal with.

“You know, about Dad.” Touka’s a little hesitant as she speaks. Their father is still a sore topic. Even when they had made up, she hadn’t brought it up and neither did Ayato. He was the reason they both fell out completely in the first place. As much as he hadn’t confessed out loud, Ayato is happy to be reunited with his family. He doesn’t want them to fight again. Bringing up their father was too much of a risk. But here Touka is mentioning him. Ayato isn’t sure if he should keep the conversation going or end it before things got bad. Touka doesn’t end up giving him a choice though. She simply continues talking. “It feels a little weird saying this but, I always thought it was my fault, you know. If I hadn’t told him about your accident, maybe he’d still be here. If I hadn’t said it over the phone, maybe it wouldn’t have been that big of a shock. Maybe I could have done things differently. If I hadn’t fallen for Kaneki—”

“Don’t,” he cuts in. “None of those are your fault, especially not the last one. Kaneki is… good for you.”

He sees a small smile surfacing on her face. “Yes, he really is good for me. He’s so important to me, you know? I’m happy I met him. I’m happy to be married to him. I can never ask for a better husband. But when I’m missing Dad I sometimes find myself wondering if he’d still be around had Kaneki and I not gotten together. If Kaneki wasn’t there with us, the accident wouldn’t have happened. Dad wouldn’t be dead. Maybe… I should have gone there myself, without bothering Kaneki. Or if I hadn’t only thought about myself. Or—”

“If I hadn’t gotten into a fight with those boys, you wouldn’t have had to come to fetch me. If I hadn’t been an asshole and picked a fight with Kaneki, he wouldn’t have pushed me. In the first place, if I hadn’t caused Dad so much stress in the beginning, his health might have been better. There are so many reasons all those things happened, Sis, and when you look at the chain of events, there’s nothing suggesting that you were the cause of it,” he says.

“So Hinami was right,” Touka murmurs. “You do blame yourself for it.”

It sounds pathetic when Touka says it like that. Ayato scowls and turns away from her. “It’s not that. I don’t blame myself at all. I’m just saying that if you want to find the cause of the accident, it’ll be me so you don’t have anything to blame yourself for.”

“It’s not your fault, Ayato.”

“It’s not yours, Touka.”

Touka laughs a little. It’s easy for them to say such things. Telling the other that they’re not at fault isn’t hard at all. But admitting that they themselves hadn’t done anything wrong would be harder, especially after three years of punishing themselves for it. It’s been a while since their father had died, but neither had moved on from this tragedy, simply clinging onto whoever they had left by their sides after it all went downhill— Touka to Kaneki; him to Hinami. They hadn’t had each other when they needed each other the most. But now, maybe they could make amends.

“I hadn’t been to Dad’s grave since the time you brought me after I got discharged from the hospital,” Ayato admits.

“I go there every Sunday,” Touka says.

“Then, is it okay if I come along as well?”

Touka smiles again. “Sure. I’ll be happy to have some company.”

He’s on the verge of dozing off when he hears the doorbell. Touka gets up and starts heading over. It’s probably Kaneki. She had been up waiting for him anyway. Touka hadn’t said anything about it but Ayato could tell that it’s gotten late enough that she was starting to worry about him.

Ayato picks up the remote control and starts changing the channels. There’s really nothing on the tv. Everything is such a bore. He hears voices in the background but he doesn’t pay much attention to it. Touka seems to be annoyed with something. Kaneki must have been out doing something stupid and Touka probably feels stupid for worrying about him. The thought puts a small smirk on his face.

And then he freezes, right as he hears a familiar voice.

Ayato’s throat clenches up. He’s staring right at the tv but nothing on it seems to register in his mind. He’s too focused on that voice— Hinami’s voice. Why is she here? Why is she coming back with Kaneki? What were the two of them up to so late in the night? His mind jumps straight into the worst possible solutions, images that make him want to throw up surfacing in his mind.

No. Kaneki would never do that. He’s too loyal to Touka for anything to happen. He might not get along with his brother-in-law, but Ayato knows that he can at least trust Kaneki when it comes to this.

He hears footsteps and he gets up, walking forward a little. He stops the moment Touka and Kaneki come into sight.

“I don’t know why I wait up for you sometimes,” Touka scoffs, marching on ahead as Kaneki trails after behind her.

“I’m sorry, Touka. Listen to me. I promise you I wasn’t out drinking! I went to see Miss Itori for some information and she offered me some drinks and that’s about it.”

Their petty argument over that continues as Touka heads towards her bedroom and Kaneki follows after her. He can’t hear them the moment the door slams shut but he’s sure that they’ll make up in a matter of minutes like they always do. Kaneki and Touka argue over the silliest of things, but he supposes that is what makes them such a good couple in the first place. No matter what the argument is, Ayato knows that they will never fall apart and they know that too.

“A-Ayato?” He hears that voice again, this time in a loud, sharp gasp.

Here he goes. He turns his head towards it and she comes into view. Hinami is staring at him in disbelief. Her fists clench harder around the strap of her small bag. She looks so pale-- like she’s seen a ghost.

“Hinami,” he greets. He tries to keep his voice as steady as possible but he still sounds like he’s gotten pins in his throat. He wants to pretend he doesn’t care about her— he shouldn’t anymore— but just seeing her face is enough to send him spiralling down into the depths.

He’s really a hopeless case, huh?

Hinami stares at him for a couple of heartbeats, before her eyes widen and she turns away. Her face reddens. “W-what are you doing here?” she asks quickly.

What a ridiculous question. This is his sister’s place. This is his home. There’s nothing weird about him being here. It’s weird that she’s here. But instead of pointing that out, he simply shrugs. “I wanted to see my niece so I decided to come over and it got late so I’m staying the night.” That’s a lie. But there’s no way he’s going to admit to Hinami that he couldn’t bear staying in a place that reminded him so much of her, that he felt it would be easier to get over her if he surrounded himself with other people rather than live in silence with nothing but cigarettes and alcohol to distract him from his own thoughts and memories.

“I see,” she murmurs. She fiddles with her bag, still refusing to look at him. Her hair falls forward and he can’t see her face any longer. He can’t tell if she’s still blushing. Probably not. Even if she is, he shouldn’t think too much about it. She’s likely just embarrassed. Nothing more.

“What are you doing here?” he asks. He’s stupid. He doesn’t know why he’s continuing the conversation. He shouldn’t do this. He should just walk away right now and pretend she isn’t here.

“Big Brother was drunk so I thought it would be better if I escorted him back home,” she admits.

“Oh, so you were with Kaneki all the while, huh?”

Hinami stiffens and she turns to him immediately, her fingers grasping her bag strap so hard that her knuckles are turning white. Her face is completely red and her eyes are wide and teary. “Nothing happened between us I swear!”

Her outburst is so sudden that even Ayato is taken aback for a moment. Hinami looks so flustered; she turns away the moment she realises her words. He doesn’t think her face can get any redder but it does. This is starting to get really weird. She’s never blushed this hard before, not even when they were having sex.

He stops himself there. That’s the last thing he needs right now. Picturing Hinami in bed isn’t going to get him anywhere good. What he needs to do now is to leave her, go to his room and get to bed. He’s right about to leave when Touka returns, sighing as she rubs the back of her neck.

“What a pain… I’m sorry about the bother, Hinami. Thank you for accompanying him back,” Touka sighs.

“Oh, it’s nothing,” Hinami admits softly. “He was drinking so I got too worried about leaving him alone.”

“Yeah. I don’t think he’s that drunk but you can never be too safe. People do stupid things when they’re drunk after all,” Touka laughs a little.

“I-I know. That’s why I followed him back,” she whimpers. Her body’s stiffer again and Ayato knows exactly what she’s thinking about right now. God, if he hadn’t been an idiot that night and gave in to her, all this wouldn’t have happened. They’d still be just friends. His feelings for her would just be a simple one-sided attraction instead of the mess that it is right now. There would be nothing stopping him from being by her side. There are so many things that went wrong because of that one night. Touka is right; people do stupid things when they’re drunk.

“I’m going back now,” Hinami says. “It’s good to see you, Big Sister.”

Big Sister? When did Hinami and Touka get that close? Ayato turns to Touka, hoping for some answers, but Touka’s attention is still fixed on Hinami. She’s frowning right now. Touka glances at the clock on the wall and then back to Hinami.

“It’s too late for you to be walking back by yourself,” Touka argues. “Stay the night.”

Hinami’s eyes widen. There’s no hiding that the suggestion horrified her. “No, it’s fine. I don’t want to impose!”

There’s also no hiding that she glanced at him when she spoke. Though she really had nothing to worry about. If she does take up the suggestion, he’d leave for his apartment on the pretence that he has something urgent to tend to.

“You’re not imposing. We don’t have extra rooms so you can easily just sleep in Ichika’s room. I could get a futon out for you. It’s not that hard,” Touka says.

Hinami glances at Ayato again before she shakes her head. It’s either she’s not bothering to be inconspicuous and wants him to know how uncomfortable he’s making her feel or she’s too flustered that she’s doing it subconsciously. At this point, Ayato doesn’t even know which one he prefers.

“It’s fine. I really should be getting back to my dorm before it closes,” she says.

“Oh, is that the case?” Touka murmurs thoughtfully.

Ayato glances at the clock. Hinami is lying. Her dorm had closed hours ago. He really ought to point that out. But if he does, Touka might force Hinami to stay here. The streets aren’t that dangerous right? He’s been out there at this hour before. It’s not like he’s gotten killed or anything before. But Hinami’s a girl— a really pretty girl at that. There’s no way it will be safe for her. It would take just one creep and god knows what could happen to her. Ayato doesn’t know what to do. He wants her to be safe of course. But they had promised not to get involved with each other anymore, hadn’t they? He can tell Hinami glanced at him again and he knows that she saw him looking at the clock. She knows full well that he had noticed what’s going on. She’s probably waiting for a reaction from him as well.

What would she think if he said nothing? Would it hurt her if he doesn’t care?

It doesn’t matter either way. Touka continues talking before he’s able to say anything.

“Well, then, I guess I’ll see you soon?” Touka says, smiling a little. She pulls Hinami into a brief hug, but as she pulls away, she pauses and turns to look at Ayato. “Actually, since you’re here, why don’t you walk her back?”

“What? No! That’s fine!” Hinami cries out before Ayato could even finish processing what his sister had just said. “I’ll be okay. I’ll get home myself. It’s fine. The streets are safe. I won’t walk into dark alleys—”

“Bullshit,” Touka cuts in. “Anyway, it’s better to be safe than sorry, right?”

He wants to scream at Touka. She’s the one who told them to part ways in the first place. But he knows that Touka is right. He’s never going to forgive himself if something ever happens to her because he has too much pride to forget a stupid agreement and walk her home.

“No, it’s okay! I’m fine by myself.”

“That’s stupid. I can’t leave you on your own out there.”

Hinami is still trying to turn the suggestion down, pushing Touka away and shaking her head while Touka keeps forcing the idea. It looks like neither of them are going to back down.

“The streets are safe!”

“Hinami,” he sighs. Hinami freezes but she doesn’t turn to him. “It’s fine. I don’t mind walking you back.”

“I don’t think…” she trails off, shaking her head while still fiddling with the strap of her bag. If she really doesn’t want it, he supposes he can’t force her. He’s right about to give up when he catches Touka’s eyes. His sister is staring at him demandingly and he knows Touka isn’t going to give either of them an option. Ayato sighs and walks forward, taking Hinami’s hand and tugging her towards the door. “Come on, let’s go.”

“I really don’t need you to—”

“Shut up.”

Ayato doesn’t let go of her hand even when he’s pulling her out. Hinami doesn’t know if he’s doing it knowingly or if he simply just forgot to let go. She supposes it’s the latter. He doesn’t look too pleased about being out with her right now. He’s only here because Touka didn’t give him a choice. The atmosphere around them is already awkward enough. Knowing that he doesn’t want to be here just makes it worse, especially when her mind is still reeling from her conversation with Kaneki.

Are you sure you’re not in love with him?

Her heart is going to leap out of her chest simply thinking about it. She dares herself to look up, staring ahead at Ayato’s back. She doesn’t want to even consider the thought that she might be in love with him and that too, at such a point in time. How would Ayato even react if— hypothetically speaking— she suddenly confesses to him right now? Would he be happy? Would he get angry? Would he tell her she’s too late? Maybe if she’s lucky, he might just forget everything and they would be able to get together and become a happy couple. Everything would be good.

But even that is just a fantasy, she supposes.

She remembers seeing him glance at the clock and yet remain silent back at Touka’s place just now. He hadn’t wanted to walk her back. He knew that she was lying about her dorm being open right now. It didn’t seem to matter to him as much as it mattered to Touka that she was going to walk home alone. Hinami herself hadn’t wanted him to come, but she feels a sting deep down realising that it didn’t matter to him if anything happened to her.

“Where are you going to go now?” he asks. Ayato breaks the silence so suddenly that she almost jumps. She looks away from his head, dropping her eyes, only for her gaze to fall to their connected hands. He’s still holding her. They’ve never held hands outside before, except for that one time when they met Touka and Kaneki and Ayato had wanted to get away from there quickly. Thinking about it, didn’t she get upset on that day? They had a big fight and she had thought he was only using her.

Every time you looked at me like that, it felt like I fell in love with you all over again.

Will he still feel that way, she wonders, if she looks at him like that again?

“Back to the dorms,” she replies.

“The dorms, huh?” he sighs. He stops and it’s too sudden for her to keep up without running into him. She moves away quickly but it’s not like she can move too far from him with him still holding her hand. Does he not notice?

“Yes, the dorms.”

He turns to her with a raised eyebrow, their eyes meeting. “It’s closed now isn’t it?”

“I’ll climb over the gates,” she says as an excuse— anything to just get him to start walking or to turn away again. She can’t keep staring at his eyes like that, not with Kaneki’s words still playing in her mind. Are you sure you’re not in love with him? Are you sure you’re not in love with him? Are you sure—

“In that?” he laughs out.

She hadn’t thought much about her outfit but she looks down and regrets it immediately. There’s no way she’ll be able to climb over the gates in a tight pencil skirt without tearing it or lifting up far too much. But the only other option she has right now is to go back with him. If it has to come to this, she supposes she could do with one less skirt.

“Don’t underestimate me,” she scoffs instead.

He blinks and then smirks. “Oh, I know better than to underestimate you, Hinami.”

She’d have given him a light punch for that had it been some other time but right now, all she can do is stare at him in silence. The smirk fades from his lips and his eyes drop to their hands. He smiles slightly— weakly— and releases her. He slides his hands into his pockets and turns around, continuing to walk as if nothing had happened. They hadn’t been holding hands. They hadn’t talked. Nothing.

If there’s anything that she picked up about him the past two months, it’s that Ayato is very capable of pretending that everything is alright with him even if his world is in shambles. She’d been with him for two years and never once had she ever guessed all that he was harbouring from her. Even till now, he’s never going to be honest about anything.

“Ayato,” she calls out. He stops and looks over his shoulders. He doesn’t say anything, simply waiting for her to instead. It feels like she has a lot of things to say to him, but now that he’s standing there waiting for her to say something, she realises that she has nothing to say to him. She can ask him a lot of things she supposes but she already knows all the answers to them. The only answers she doesn’t have are to the questions she has to ask herself. Why did she get so upset that day at the alley? Why had his disappearance that night worry her so much? Why did their separation change her life so much? What exactly does she want from him?

“What is it?” he grumbles after a moment of silence. Hinami shakes her head and he frowns. “Then let’s go—” Ayato stops talking, looking up to the sky. She could feel it too.

It starts as soft pats on her face and arms. But in a mere matter of seconds, it starts coming down harder and harder, until she can barely see what’s in front of her. Her hair and clothes are plastered against her skin. She’s soaked and it’s freezing. The rain had been sudden but it didn’t come with a surprise. The weather had been pretty overcast that day. In front of her, Ayato squints as he walks towards her, grabbing her wrist to start pulling her along again, this time into a run.

“We need to get to shelter!” he shouts, trying his best to be loud enough for her to hear him. Even then, she can barely hear him over the rain. “There’s no time to get the dorms. Let’s go back home.”`

“No!” she cries out. He ignores her, trying to pull her back down the direction they had come from, but Hinami tries her best to struggle against it. It’s too weird being in the same place as both Kaneki and Ayato. She’d get no sleep the whole night and her heart would probably never calm down. She’s still thinking about that conversation. “I’m going back to the dorms.”

“Are you out of your fucking mind?” He stops trying to pull her, turning to glare at her. “We’d get sick.”

“I don’t want to go back there,” Hinami insists.

“Why not?”

“Because I just don’t want to!”

“Something happened between you and Kaneki just now, didn’t it?” Ayato snorts. She thinks he’s smirking. She can’t see his face clearly amidst the rain while she’s squinting her eyes, but she hears the victorious haughtiness in his voice. “Fine then. Let’s go to my place.”

“No!” Her cry comes out faster than she had meant it to, almost as if it was an instinctive response to his suggestion. But Ayato’s place is definitely a worse idea. Not only will she go crazy thinking about everything that had happened, Hinami doesn’t trust herself alone with him anymore, definitely not after what happened in her dorm room. They’re not supposed to be doing anything, she reminds herself, but she also knows that the both of them have terrible self-control.

“What now?” Ayato yells. “The dorm’s way too far, Hinami, and there’s no way you’re climbing up the gates in this rain. You’re going to get hurt.”

“You’re exaggerating,” Hinami argues back. She can tell that Ayato’s right on the verge of losing his shit and she can’t blame him. He didn’t even want to accompany her here. He got forced to then and now he’s caught in insanely heavy rain with her out of all people. “Look, you can go back first. I’ll be fine by myself.”

“Bullshit.”

“I’m serious— Ah!” She’s cut off as he pulls her closer to him and lifts her up. It takes a moment for her to realise that he’s carrying her and that she’s pressed against him, with his hands on her waist. She feels herself stiffen, everything freezing around her. She’s too close to him. They hadn’t been this close in so long. He hadn’t touched her in so long. Even though she has her clothes, her body prickles at his touch. By the time she snaps out of her slight trance, he’s already thrown her over his shoulder and is walking off in the direction of his apartment.

“Hey! Put me down!” she screams.

“Shut up. People are going to get the wrong idea about this if you keep struggling,” he growls.

“Let me go!” Her voice gets shriller but it doesn’t make much of a difference as the rain gets louder and heavier. She’s way too soaked and cold to put up a decent fight against Ayato, but she has no plans on giving up. She doesn’t want to go back to his apartment. It’s loaded far too much with her memories of him. She doesn’t trust herself to be swayed by them and to give in to whatever drives her at that point in time. It’ll be a miracle if she can get through an hour without either pulling him to his bed or being pulled to his bed.

He reaches his apartment complex in less than half the time it would take them to get to the dorms. Even when they’re under shelter, he doesn’t put her down, ignoring her screaming and cursing. People definitely will get the wrong idea and if any of his neighbours happen to open their door right now, it’ll probably land both of them in hot water. But Hinami can’t be bothered about that right now. She just wants to do whatever she can to stop herself from entering the place.

“Ayato, please wait—” She’s cut off as he lifts her off his shoulder and pushes her against the door. He’s still holding her off the ground. Back pressed to the door, she’s staring straight ahead, at him. Their faces are levelled and close, less than an inch apart even.

He furrows his brows and speaks in a soft whisper. “If you’re uncomfortable with it, I don’t mind going back to my sister’s place.”

“What? In that rain? No,” she grumbles. “If you’re going to run back through the rain, I might as well do the same and return to my dorm.”

“I’ll come in my apartment, change and leave. I have umbrellas. It will be fine. I won’t get caught in the rain on my way back,” he says.

Being alone in his place doesn’t sit well with her either but it is a better option than being with him in there. Maybe she’d find some time to think through everything that’s going on right now. Maybe being in his apartment might actually help. She’ll also get to save her skirt.

“Fine,” she relents. “But you promise you would leave, right?”

“If that’s what you want,” he murmurs. Just like that, he releases her. As Ayato unlocks the door, she waits slightly behind him, trying to calm herself down and even her breathing out. It’s easier to breathe now that he’s not touching her but she realises something else she hadn’t notice immediately when she was so close to him.

His breath started smelling like smoke again. She had paid not much mind to it a month ago when they slept together, being so overwhelmed by everything else that she hadn’t put time and effort into thinking about it. But it’s worse now. He must have started smoking more this month. Simply entering his apartment is enough to tell her that. The smell is almost suffocating.

“God, how much did you smoke in here?” she complains the moment he shuts the door.

She sees a flash of panic in his eyes before he pushes past her to enter the kitchen. “Not much. I didn’t open my windows so the smoke must have stayed too long in here. I have some air freshener somewhere.”

It’s a stupid excuse. She knows he’s been smoking a lot and the number of empty beer cans she sees on the kitchen counter and the table in the living room doesn’t help his claim. He always smokes when he drinks.

“I thought you promised to stop,” she says when he comes out of the kitchen. He’s silent for a moment, placing the can of air freshener on the table before proceeding to pick up his empty beer cans.

Eventually, he says softly as he picks up the last can, “You promised to kiss me whenever I needed a stick.”

He’s right. That was the promise. But she can’t kiss him when they’re apart. He must have fallen back to his old habits when they parted. She knows it’s not her job to babysit him and lecture him over things like that. He should take care of himself on his own. He’s not a kid anymore and even if he is, he’s still not her responsibility. But she does wonder why every single one of his coping mechanisms had to somehow be harmful in one way or another. If he’s not kissing and sleeping with the girl he loves who doesn’t love him back, he’s smoking and drinking himself possibly to death.

But that’s his problem and she knows she has to leave it to him to deal with him. She drops the subject there as Ayato turns to his room. Hinami wonders if she should follow him. She could always use the bathroom in the living room if he’s using the one in the bedroom. She opts to follow him nevertheless, entering the bedroom behind him. Lightning flashes in the distance, followed by the loud, sudden rumbling of thunder. The rain is getting heavier. Hinami wonders if it’s really a good idea for Ayato to leave now.

“I have extra towels here and clothes. I don’t have your clothes anymore so you can borrow mine if you want,” he says, opening his closet.

“What about you?” she asks.

“I’ll leave after I get changed,” he replies. He reaches into the closet and pulls out a towel, holding it out to her.

“Aren’t you going to take a shower as well?”

“Nah. I’ll just head home instead.”

Hinami nods, walking over and taking the towel from him. She doesn’t look at him, simply walking to the bathroom before closing it instead. She stands still for a long moment, back to the shower, face to the mirror. She’s stood here many times before during happy times and sad times as well. This bathroom itself holds a particular memory. She still can’t tell if it’s good or bad— that moment when things started to slowly change, initially for the better and then, for the worse. She probably didn’t realise back then how much of a false hope she was giving him. She had been sincere. She seriously wants to try. But maybe they were really not meant to be and there’s nothing she can do about that.

You are in love with him.

She chokes and shakes her head. She shouldn’t let those ideas get into her head. She just needs to focus on what she has to do now-- her shower. Besides, Ayato would be leaving anyway. She shouldn’t worry about him.

Her shower is faster than usual. She tries not to think about it but she continues remembering their moments in there-- her promising him that she’d give him a chance, him taking care of her after what happened in the alley. They were very different memories, but both make her heart ache. The relationship with him that she had held so dear has come to an end. It feels like there’s an evil being beside her right now, continuously whispering and reminding her of the times, tempting her to give in and run back to him, to fool him into thinking that she’s giving him what he wants.

Tell him.

If she tells him she loves him, maybe he will let her stay.

Lie to him.

But is it truly a lie now? Kaneki surfaces, reminding her once again what he thinks. Her mind is like a courtroom, both Kaneki and her throwing out their opinions, arguing over everything that’s going on. But nothing gets resolved and thinking too much only gives her a headache. She needs to leave-- not just the bathroom, but his apartment too.

There’s nothing she can do about the clothes. Hers are still too wet to wear. She supposes she can leave them in the laundry basket for now. Since she’s taking some of his anyway, she could always take them back from him when she goes to return his clothes to him. She picks out a sweater from the closet which he had once complained to her over how oversized it was. When she puts it on, it’s as good as a dress and she didn’t have to worry about showing anything she didn’t want to like the previous time she had dashed out of Ayato’s apartment on a rainy night while wearing his clothes. Holding her bag tightly in her hands, she starts to walk out, only to stop when she’s in front of the door, right at the entrance of the kitchen. The stench of smoke was too overbearing. She knows it’s new.

Entering the kitchen gives her answers immediately. Ayato is still there. It doesn’t seem like he had expected her to show up so quickly. Sitting on the floor, with a stick in his mouth and two other buds on the floor beside him, he looks up at her with wide eyes.

“Hinami? Wait, what are you doing here?” he asks.

She’s tired of this. Even though she knows it’s not her business, she knows that she can’t just leave this be.

“Stop it,” she says.

“Stop what?” He knows damn well what she’s talking about. She can tell he’s faking it.

“Stop smoking,” she snaps.

“It’s too rainy outside. I can’t smoke there,” he says. “It shouldn’t bother you in the bedroom if I smoke here in the kitchen. Not unless you stupidly decide to show up here anyway. What are you doing here?”

She ignores his question. She can’t tell him that she’s planning to leave. “Why are you still here?” She sounds so haughty and she hates herself for it. She’s in his apartment. She has no rights to chase him out.

“I was going to leave after… this.”

“After that stick?” she asks.

Ayato hesitates before answering. He clears his throat. “No. After this box.”

That did it; it’s way too much. She drops to her knees and pulls the cigarette out of his mouth before flicking it to the floor. Ayato scowls at her and reaches for it, but Hinami manages to kick it away in time, barely avoiding getting the soles of her feet burnt in the process. Ayato seems annoyed but he makes no effort to take that particular stick. He does have a box, she remembers. Ayato tries to push her away, probably to get up and leave so he can smoke the rest of his box in peace since she knows she’s making it obvious that she isn’t letting him smoke anymore. The box is in his hands and she tries her best to take it away from him. But Ayato is so much stronger than she is and it’s barely a hard task for him to overpower her physically. The scuffle ends with him pinning her down on the floor, pressing her hands down at the sides of her head. Their faces are so close, him still glaring at her while breathing hard.

“Your breath stinks,” she snaps at him.

“Why does that matter to you?” he yells. “Just leave me alone already. Let me do what I want. I have no business listening to you when we’re not doing it anymore.”

“So you stopped smoking just to have sex with me, is that it?” she challenges and Ayato grits his teeth in response, the hesitation evident in his eyes.

“Yeah. Yeah, I did that. I did so many things so I could fuck the girl I like. You’d do the same with Kaneki, won’t you?”

Again.

“Why do you keep bringing him up every time?” Hinami feels like crying, though she knows she’s not sad. She feels angrier right now. It feels like she isn’t the only one who’s holding them back from moving on with this relationship. Nothing is going to come out of it if Ayato doesn’t change as well. She might fall heads over heels in love with him but as long as Ayato is convinced that he’s a mere replacement, they will never find satisfaction with what they have.

And maybe, that really was the case. Maybe they really are in love with each other. Maybe there isn’t a complication at all. Maybe it’s just them, them being so convinced that this relationship was messed up that it clouded their eyes to the realities of him; her being so obsessed with the idea of being in love with Kaneki that she fails to see that she’s long moved on from it and that she’s found someone else. Ayato was right, perhaps. Someone really did come and sweep her off her feet.

“What else is there to talk about?” Ayato shouts back. “It’s always been about Kaneki and it’s always going to be about Kaneki, both here and back home. I’m never going to be free of it, am I? Everything I care about, everything I want-- he’s going to take it. He has it all and I’m left in the dumps with nothing.”

“Your smoking has nothing to do with Kaneki--”

“You shut up! You know it damn well has to do with Kaneki. He’s the reason everything fucked up in the first place!” Ayato continues, cutting into her. “This relationship has never been about the two of us at all. It was always about him.”

Even when he’s yelling at the top of his lungs, she can see just how miserable he is. Hinami doesn’t know what she can do to convince him of anything right now. He seems so staunch in his beliefs. It’s as if he’s recited all these things to himself over and over again that he genuinely believes in them-- Kaneki is the reason everything went wrong, Kaneki took Touka and Hinami away from him, they will never love him, she will never love him. But he’s wrong. She knows he’s wrong but she doesn’t know how to tell him otherwise.

But listen to me, Hinami, you are in love with him.

She needs to let him know, but how does she convince him of it even when she’s questioning it herself?

They fall silent and Ayato’s hold on her weakens, before he moves his hands away, releasing her and resting his palms against the floor. His body is heaving and his head hangs forward. She can’t see the expression he has on his face right now but she can imagine how anguished it must be right now. She can’t think of anything else to do, except to each forward, wind her arms around his trembling frame. Sitting up, she pulls him to her, resting his head against her shoulder and stroking his hair gently.

“You’re wrong, Ayato,” she murmurs. “Kaneki didn’t do anything to you.”

“Except push me in front of a truck,” he says immediately.

“He didn’t steal Touka or me away from you, Ayato. We’re here.”

Ayato’s silent for a long moment before he relaxes in her arms. “I know,” he says slowly after a while. “I know it’s not his fault but it’s not fair. I know I stand no chance and I told myself-- I keep telling myself that-- but… I… I don’t know. Kaneki is so good to my sister. He’s so kind and caring to you too. He’s never actually done anything to hurt me aside from one accident and even though we don’t really get along, I knew he’d help me out if I ever need anything.”

“It’s going to be okay, Ayato,” she says softly. She pushes him away slightly, just so she can cup his face and stare into his eyes. “It’s going to be okay.”

“It’s not.” He furrows his brows as he speaks. He sighs and closes his eyes. “It’s not going to be okay, Hinami. This is all I’m going to have.”

“That’s not true,” she argues. “I’m sure it’ll get better.”

“It won’t. I know it won’t,” he whispers.

If there’s any time for her to say it, she supposes she should say it now. “Ayato, if I say something now, will you promise to take it seriously?”

He shrugs. “I don’t think there’s anything I won’t if it’s from you.”

“If… I say I love you, how will you react?” she murmurs.

He shrugs again, his nonchalant disposition starting to really bother her. “I don’t know.”

“That’s upsetting.”

“Why?”

“Because I kinda do think I like you… in that manner,” she admits.

He’s silent for a long time again. There’s barely any change in his sullen expression. It’s a far cry from the overwhelming ecstasy she thought he’d respond with. She’s convinced herself for a long time ago that if she ever falls for him and confesses to him, he’d be happy. But now, she doesn’t feel any of that and a part of her worries she might be too late. Has he gotten over her?

“Where did this suddenly come from?” he asks.

“I was talking to Kaneki just now and--”

“Kaneki?” he cuts in, looking at her with raised eyebrows.

“Yes, Kaneki,” she responds somewhat annoyed. “Listen. Anyway, I was talking to Kaneki and I told him what happened. He says--”

“Let me guess,” Ayato cuts in. “You made a fool of yourself and confessed to him and he says that you’re wrong and the person you’re in love with is me.”

Hinami turns to him. “How do you know that? You weren’t there, were you?” She can’t help but remember that slight moment Kaneki had pretended Ayato was there-- he wasn’t, was he?

“No but it sounds like the kind of dumb shit you’d do,” he scoffs. “So because he said that, being the idiot you normally are, you believed him, right?”

She pauses before responding, raising her eyebrow at him. She’s sensing so much hostility from him that it’s confusing her. Maybe given the circumstances, it’s understandable that he might not be happy to hear this but she doesn’t think it would make him annoyed, but there he is, sitting in front of her, with a scowl scrawled on his face.

“What’s with you, Hinami?” he grumbles. “Can’t you ever think for yourself?”

“I do. I’m not saying this because Kaneki told me. All he did was make me realise that--”

“No, all that’s bullshit!” Ayato cuts in, raising his voice again. “You’re always like that. You’re always bringing him up. It always just goes back to him. I bet he also said some shit about how we’re made for each other and how he wants us to be together and you completely bought into that poor boy Ayato thing Kaneki was playing at. Just know that’s not the case and I am completely fine living without you!”

She doesn’t realise when it got so tiring to deal with Ayato. At one point, he always listened to what she said and his cynical attitude was generally bearable but mostly because he never directed it to her.

“It didn’t feel that way when you were whining about your life on my shoulder just now,” she mutters. She annoyed. She’s getting angry and upset as well. Nothing is going well; nothing is going like how she anticipated it to. “Ayato, can we just… try again?”

“Try again?”

“Or do something at least, I don’t know. I don’t want to keep ignoring everything. We’ve been apart for one month and nothing has changed for me. I still feel so empty,” she continues. “Do we have to pretend there’s nothing? Can’t we just get back together again?”

“I’m leaving,” he says, getting up.

“What? Why? That’s the opposite of what I’m asking for,” she cries out. “Ayato, for once, please!”

He’s walking towards the door and she scrambles to her feet, just in time to grab him by his sleeves before he could reach for the door handles. She tugs him backwards and he turns to scowl at her again. “What do you want Hinami?”

“Do you really have to go? Can’t you stay?” she asks. “The rain is still heavy. It’s dangerous for you to go.”

“You were really hellbent on me leaving just now. Why does it matter now?” he asks.

“I don’t know,” she says. “I don’t know but… don’t go.” Not when I’ve just said all that. She would have said out her thoughts. She would have been honest with him. She wanted to. But Ayato’s looking at her like she’s crazy, like she’s just said something wrong.

“I don’t believe you, Hinami,” he admits. “This is so sudden and after Kaneki told you all that too. I don’t want to hurt you, but I can’t trust you when you’re saying things like this. The last time you said something like that, it didn’t work out.”

“I promised you that we’d take it slow and that one day it would work out, but it won’t happen if you’re not going to give it a chance,” she says urgently. She holding onto his sleeves with both his hands right now.

“How do I know you’re not lying right now?” he challenges.

“How do you want me to prove it to you?” she shoots back.

They both fall silent because honestly, there isn’t a way. There’s no way Hinami can prove her words to him, especially not when she’s thinking about them herself. Ayato has a point-- does she really love him or does she only think she does because Kaneki told her so? Is she perhaps still being swayed by her feelings for Kaneki? Her mind’s a mess. She can’t decide even if she should let him go now. Him staying might make things awkward and perhaps, it might make everything worse. But him going might do the same.

“How about you just think about it?” he says, roughly pulling his arm away from her grasp. “Just stay here. I’m going home.”

Perhaps his apartment didn’t feel like home anymore. Maybe he too can’t stand the memories in it.

Hinami remains silent, unable to say the right words to convince them both of what she had just said, completely clueless over what she should do to get him to stay. He leaves the apartment, closing and locking the door behind him. She’s left alone now and she simply stands there, staring at the door, her mind a blank slate. Eventually, she moves, having nothing else to do. It’s late. She throws himself on his bed, pulls the blanket over herself and tries to sleep. She’s exhausted but even then, it is hard for her to keep her eyes close.

It smells just like him.

He doesn’t think it’s a good idea to be leaving the apartment right now, but he doesn’t say anything either. Nothing good is going to come out of the both of them spending the night together. Even meeting her in her dorm the other night just to pass a piece of paper to her was a bad idea. He can’t imagine what would happen if they were staying together. Simply staying there too long must have made her insane for her to say those things to him.

If… I say I love you, how will you react?

No.

Because I kinda do think I like you… in that manner.

He doesn’t want to hope again.

He needed to discipline himself, to stop turning back to her and clinging onto false hope. He’s already told himself that nothing is going to come out of waiting and wishing. As long as a little inkling of desire and hope resides in him, he is going to keep his distance from her. Until he’s sure he’s not going to do anything stupid again and start something that would once again hurt both of them, he will not approach her.

He didn’t have a choice when Touka made it clear that she wanted him to walk Hinami back but he has a choice now. Even when Hinami suddenly changed her mind, he stuck to it. He doesn’t trust himself anymore. He’d eventually have chosen to believe if he had been there.

The rain had gotten heavier from when he and Hinami had run to his apartment on the way back from Touka’s place. If it was cold then, it’s colder now. Even with an umbrella, he’s getting wet. He can barely hear anything over the sound of raindrops. He can’t see that far ahead in front of him either. It’s so late in the night already. It’s really a bad idea to be out right now. He’s stupid for doing this. Touka will probably yell at him when she hears about this. But he’ll deal with that when it happens. Right now, he has to focus on walking forward despite the temptation to turn back to his apartment and to tell Hinami he changed his mind.

The rain continues to fall down on him. The umbrella offers not much protection, especially with the strong winds. He’s trying his best to stay under it, but with every blow of the wind, the umbrella is tugged along with it and he’s staggering as he tries to pull it back and to stay beneath it. His jeans are already drenched, weighing him down with every step he took. He wonders why he’s pushing himself so much like this. He wonders why he isn’t turning back. Turning back is the logical solution, but he supposes stubbornness runs deeper through his veins than he initially thought so.

There’s a flash followed by a clap of thunder again, so loud and sudden it makes him jump. Right after that, another blast of wind comes and he hasn’t had enough time to get over the shock from the thunder and to pull himself together. He staggers again as the umbrella is pulled along, but this time, it slips out of his hands. He tries to reach it but the wind has it in a matter of seconds, taking it along. His sight is so compromised that he can’t see where it landed. He’s squinting too hard to keep the water out of his eyes.

It’s so cold. His clothes are soaked in a matter of heartbeats. He can feel his hair plastered against his head. His bangs are falling too much into his eyes and it’s making visibility worse. He continues to walk but bothers him but in truth, his body is trembling from the cold, his muscles are contracting and his teeth are chattering. Screw going back to his apartment, he doesn’t want to move an inch from the spot he’s at. He wants to sit there, curl into a ball and just wait out the storm. But it doesn’t look like it’s stopping any time soon. He can already feel his nose stuffing up and his throat itching. If he stays out any longer, he probably would fall really sick.

He pulls his hood on and continues walking. The walk feels like forever, much longer than when he had dragged Hinami back to his apartment. He did feel pretty bad about it. Maybe he should have apologized to her about it. He wonders why she had hesitated to come with him in the first place. She wouldn’t have done that if she meant what she said to him. The conversation with her replays in his mind. Her touch was gentle as always and she’d spoken to him understandingly again, even when he’s pissed off and screaming at her. He doesn’t know how Hinami remains so calm whenever he loses his shit but she must have gotten used to him after spending time with him for so long.

Maybe they should have talked things out a little more. Simply storming out and leaving her like that was probably not a good idea. He’s probably going to see her again the next morning. He doesn’t think she’ll leave so early unless she doesn’t want to see him which he supposes would be unlikely since she’s almost begged him to stay earlier on.

He stops, turning backwards. Maybe he’d acted too rashly. Maybe he should go back and talk to her. Maybe he should just pretend that everything’s okay and take Hinami’s words as the truth. Lie or no lie, what matters, he supposes, isn’t what Hinami truly feels but what he believes she does.

He should go back. He really should.

But he supposes he doesn’t really have a choice. Everything happens in a blink of an eye. He hears the screeching of tires somewhere behind him and when he turns towards it, he sees two bright spots of lights— headlights— hurling right towards him. His heartbeat quickens and he hears something inside him screaming at him to jump away. But his feet are rooted in the ground. He feels himself being transported to sometime back, to a memory he’s tried so hard to forget but has only ever been unsuccessful in doing so. Yet never once has he remembered it so vividly as he does now— a rainy night, screeching of tires, bright headlights and then pain. He closes his eyes, squeezing them tights as he waits for the impact to come, to feel the strong vehicle ram into his feeble body to send him flying, to feel all his senses dull as his body erupts into excruciating pain.

All that comes is blackness again.

A/N: I spent so long debating if I should post this. I actually have most of Shattered already written out! I’m already on the last chapter now. But posting is where it gets really hard, honestly. I told myself I don’t want to post anymore because of all the hate I was getting. I feel really unappreciated at that point in time. But then I found out that it was just one person sending everything to me and I began questioning if I really should stop. Maybe just finishing up this fic would be okay. But that creepy hater for some reason started asking me to continue the fic. I don’t know if all the hate was just for entertainment while they really like my fics, or if they found some joy in doing these sorts of things. But I started hesitating again because posting a fic like they wanted me to felt like I was giving in to them and letting them win. Thinking about it now, I shouldn’t have bothered about that person. The more they message me, the more I am convinced they’re just a fucking hater.

Anyway, I just wanted yall to know why I stopped and why now I decided to continue. They’re lifeless. I shouldn’t worry about them. I should hold myself and those who enjoy my work and are nice about it to high levels. So that’s why Shattered is out.

I ended up changing the ending a little bit! I wouldn’t completely call it a happy ending anymore but it’s less angsty than the bittersweet ending I had in mind. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to make Shattered too happy simply because of the tone of the entire story. Anyway, thank you for reading! I hope you had fun :)

Once again, please please do reblog if you like this! It’ll really help me out. Feel free to leave comments in the tags/ reblogs/ replies or through asks!

#tg #tokyo ghoul #ayahina #kirishima ayato #fueguchi hinami #tg fanfic #far writes stuff #my fic: shattered

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steviestevington · 5 years

Note

All the questions

oh fUCK okay here we go

1. Are looks important in a relationship?

Yeah they are

2. Are relationships ever worth it?

Of course they are omg

3. Are you a virgin?

4. Are you in a relationship?

Yes indeedy I am !

5. Are you in love?

God I sure am

6. Are you single this year?

Nope

7. Can you commit to one person?

I can and I am committed to one person !

8. Describe your crush

His name is Jay he’s got long black hair currently and green eyes and wears glasses he’s gorgeous

9. Describe your perfect mate

Jay lmao

10. Do you believe in love at first sight?

11. Do you ever want to get married?

Absolutely

12. Do you forgive betrayal?

Betrayal meaning like cheating? If so no

13. Do you get jealous easily?

Unfortunately yeah rip

14. Do you have a crush on anyone?

Yeah don’t tell him but I got a big fat crush on my boyfriend

15. Do you have any piercings?

Just my earlobes

16. Do you have any tattoos?

Unfortunately no :c

17. Do you like kissing in public?

Deadass love it so much

20. Do you shower every day?

Fuck no I ain’t got time for that

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

Well I sure hope my boyfriend does lmao

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

Idk Jay might be but who knows

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

Of fucking course, easily

24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

I do not know honestly I could see it being maybe possible but who knows

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?

I am and I am very happy about it

26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

Yes

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?

I think so maybe

28. Have you ever been cheated on?

I don’t think so, I hope not

29. Have you ever cheated on someone?

Fuck no

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?

Ehhh not really but if I had to choose something I would want my nose changed I hate it

31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?

Of course

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?

Uhhh probably

33. Have you ever had sex with a man?

Yes

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?

Yeah I mean I liked my ex before we were dating and we were best friends

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

I don’t think so ?

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

Yes

39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

Uhh kinda yeah

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?

No I’m terrible at that shit

41. Have you had sex so far this year?

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?

Bitch they wander immediately

43. How long was your longest relationship?

Like 4.5 years or something idk

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

Only one other boyfriend before Jay

45. How many people did you kiss in 2011?

None

46. How many times did you have sex last year?

Zero

47. How old are you?

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

Well idk what I would say in the moment but obviously that would mean we’d break up which would be extremely unfortunate and heartbreaking

49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?

Literally everything there’s no way I can pick one single thing he’s perfect in every way

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

HAHAHAHAHAHA F U C K NO

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?

Yeah his name is Jay

52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?

Uhhh idk maybe I’ve given up on crushes in the past because it was obviously not gonna happen but that’s all I can think of

53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

I doubt it lmao

54. Is there someone you will never forget?

I mean I’ll never forget the shit my abuser did to me unfortunately

55. Share a relationship story.

I can’t think of any sorry agdhgfhsd

56. State 8 facts about your body

I will pass on that I don’t even know 2 facts about it that are more fascinating than “I have two arms”

57. Things you want to say to an ex

You’re a gross piece of shit and you had no right to pressure me into sexual things or treat me the way you did, you traumatized me in so many ways and I’ll have to live with that for the rest of my life, I hope karma kicks your ass one day

58. What are five ways to win your heart?

Bitch I don’t know Jay did it easily ask him lmao

59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)

I don’t have any good ones on my laptop so just go to my “about” page there’s a link in my description or look at my blog /tagged/my-face

60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?

I really don’t know I think the age difference between Jay and I is a little bit bigger than the one between my ex and I but I’m too lazy to figure it out

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone?

Their eyes or smile

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?

I’ve got a real damn weird Thing for formal clothing so wear that for me n I’ll be so into it

63. What is your definition of “having sex”?

Idk anything with another person involving genitals honestly

64. What is your definition of cheating?

It’s as easy as just having an emotional affair it doesn’t even have to be physical

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?

I don’t want it to lead to sex but some intense making out is my favorite

66. What is your favourite roleplay?

No I don’t do that fuck off

67. What is your idea of the perfect date?

Anything with your partner that you both enjoy is a perfect date

68. What is your sexual orientation?

Pan/ace

69. What turns you off?

Bad hygiene and a shitty personality

70. What turns you on?

Good hygiene, making out, neck kissing/biting, hickeys, my partner makin cute noises of pleasure while we are all over each other

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?

LMAO if I ever have sexual dreams they’re extremely frustrating and I can never actually get All The Way no matter how hard I try so I wouldn’t say I have kinky ones cuz I’m always by myself I don’t like sex with other people

72. What words do you like to hear during sex?

None I don’t like sex

73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?

I like being given flowers

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?

A nice smile

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?

Uhhh idk Jay always does extremely sweet things but what’s coming to mind is that he decided on his own to stop doing something that causes me severe anxiety because he doesn’t wanna put me through that and that meant a whole lot to me

76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?

Man I don’t know I always go overboard with things but I think my valentines day with Jay recently is up there with the sweetest things I’ve done

77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?

There should not me a maturity or development gap at all

78. What’s your dirtiest secret?

I really want a dildo from bad dragon but I’ll probably never own one lmao

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?

Uhhh idk when one of my bfs friends goes overboard with complimenting his appearance I get weird about it cuz I’m a dumbass

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

Idk I tell Jay I love him all the time so like 20 minutes ago probably afgdhfds

81. Who are five people you find attractive?

My boyfriend, my boyfriend, my boyfriend, my boyfriend, and Brendon Urie lmao

82. Who is the last person you hugged?

My dad

83. Who was your first kiss with?

My ex

84. Why did your last relationship fail?

I don’t know and I don’t really care anymore tbh

85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?

afdgsfd I mean that’s how Jay and I met so yeah lmao

#ask #anon

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gnatninja · 5 years

Text

15 for 15 Tag Thingy

Thanks @butwhydoilikethis

Rules: Answer 15 question, then tag 15 mutuals you’d like to get to know better.

1. Are you named after someone?

No I’m not named after anyone, but my middle name is the same as my mom’s.

2. When was the last time you cried?

I cried a few days ago. I watched a video of a youtuber talking about their pets and they reminisced about some that had passed away. This made me think about my cat that passed away in the beginning of August, who I had since I was 4.

3. Do you have kids?

No, I don’t have any kids. I might later in life, but I’m not sure yet.

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

I do at times, not too often though.

5. What is the first thing you notice about people?

I notice their mannerisms and appearance first.

6. What’s your eye color?

I have blue/green eyes. I also have a small brown dot next to my iris in my left eye, pretty sure it’s a freckle.

7. Scary movies or happy endings?

Happy endings, I actually can’t deal with watching scary movies. It’s not because of gore, but more of the mental/emotional parts, I get too attached. (When I was younger, I watched the movie “Monster House” and got scared of the way the woman died to create the house, more than the actual “scary parts”.)

8. Any special talents?

I can play 3 different instruments (flute, baritone saxophone, piccolo). I am also above average in flexibility.

9. Where were you born?

I was born in Washington State.

10. What are your hobbies?

I like to play my instruments, take care of my succulents, marching band, watch YouTube, and read.

11. Do you have any pets?

Yes, back home with my parents. We have a dog and cat. (I am in college)

12. How tall are you?

5′4.5″

13. What sports do you play/have played?

I have played a lot of sports. I was in ballet when I was about 3, but was kicked out before the first recital (I didn’t know I had been kicked out I thought it had just ended, until a couple years ago my parents mentioned it).

I also played soccer, t-ball, softball, volleyball, gymnastics, basketball, track, and cross country. (Cross country became my main sport throughout high school)

Currently, I am in marching band.

14. Favorite subject at school?

My favorite subject is science, mainly chemistry.

15. Dream job?

I want to work in a career that helps better the world either by helping the people or the environment. I am majoring in chemical engineering and hope to work in a field that involves space, the ocean, or nuclear energy. (Which I did a history research project on)

I have some mutuals. I know some in real-life, so I won’t be tagging them. @mahpotatoequeen @obiwankanopebi @nap-expert @imanarwhalbitch @geeky-in-the-tardis @captain-jak-sparrow @pen-strokes-and-music-notes @notreallyamountainclimber @jessicainwonderlandx

#personal #get to know me #tagged #tags #questions #answers #q&a #about me

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thoseofgreatambition · 6 years

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marry me - prologue

pt 1| begging you | 2.1K

pt 2 | can’t sleep | 3.3K

pt 3 | marigold | 3.3K

TAG LIST: @dontwearitoutt @whyarentyoulaughingj @barbaraqueen77 @siriusement @fainting-fancy @haipiranha @notstandingstill-imlyinginwait

prologue | the past | 4.5 K

On Fred's eight day ever of being a Hogwarts student, he already had detention with George. Neither of them took it very seriously, they were giggling through polishing trophies into the night and making jokes when they don’t think Filch will hear them. This was all too much fun.

When they got out their stomachs were rumbling, a loud sort of noise that echoed down the hall as they walked towards the dormitory. “Do you think we can get some food?” Fred wondered out loud, there had to be some kitchens somewhere, but he didn’t know where in the hell they would be.

George was about to respond when they saw you, another first year stroll out from another hallway in front of them. “Were you two asking where the kitchens were?”

The three stared at each other. Fred and George remembered you from their second potions class days ago where you’d panicked during their first time making potions when your cauldron had started to leak and had accidentally knocked over your table and the one behind you in your haste to get away. Which was why you had just gotten out of detention with Snape.

You remembered them because rumor had it that they’d managed to fill Filch’s office with dungbombs. A rumor you believed seeing as you had passed it just a few moments ago and it still smelled god awful.

Fred spoke first, a cocky smile on his lips, “Aren’t you the girl who knocked over all the cauldrons during potions?”

“You still smell like dungbombs, you know.” when the redhead looked properly abashed you smiled a bit. Looking between him and the other twin, you didn’t want to come off as too mean. You extended your hands to shake theirs. “My name’s Y/N. It’s nice to meet you.”

The twin that hadn’t spoken yet shook your hand first, “I’m George. He’s Fred. Do you know how to get to the kitchens?”

You shook Fred’s hand and continued to look towards George-- who’s handshake was a bit more gentle than his brother’s. “I do! It’s near the Hufflepuff dormitory. You’ve just got to tickle the pear in a painting.”

Fred’s eyebrow quirked upwards, “Tickle the what now?”

Fred sagged as they come back from Quidditch practice. They’d only been on the Quidditch team for a few months now and he’s still not used to the physical toll. You’ve been sitting at the lake-- taking advantage of the wonderful weather while you got some writing done. You keep your smile to yourself as Fred sees fit to fling himself down on the ground next to you-- moaning dramatically as he uses your backpack as a pillow. “Fred you know that isn’t comfortable.”

“You know what else isn’t comfortable Y/N? Being on a broom for the whole bloody morning.” he scowled to the best of his ability as you sniggered, “Why are you even doing out here anyways? Nothing’s due tomorrow.”

George sat down right next to you and glanced over your work, “She’s writing.” when you snatched away your paper and smacked him he laughed, “Oh c’mon! I’m sure that it’s good! You should read it to us!”

His brother seemed to perk up a bit at that, “Yeah! Read us a story. I need some amusement while I heal, Y/N!”

“Fred if you need to ‘heal’ after Quidditch practice then I think you ought not to be playing Quidditch.”

“You’re such a spoilsport.”

“C’mon Y/N! Read us something!” George cheered on from your side, and he beamed widely when you finally sighed and began to read off of your paper. He took your discarded jacket and used that as a pillow for himself and closed his eyes as he absorbed your words. A piece about the centaurs in the Forbidden Forest. He popped an eye open to look at you when you’d finished, “’ts really good! What class is that for?”

You shook your head, your cheeks flushed from the praise, “It’s not for a class. It’s for me.”

“You wrote about the centaurs for fun?” There was a note of confusion from Fred, as he lifted his head up just enough to get a good look at you. “Why?”

With a shrug, you closed your journal. “I was thinking about reporting when I grow up. It could be a lot of fun. I wanted to practice.”

Fred was silent-- he supposed that was a more traditional profession than the joke shop that he and George wanted to open. He looked to George thinking he could get confirmation that his brother was thinking the same thing, only to see that George was staring at you in a way he hadn’t seen his brother look at someone before. With soft eyes, and a tiny smile that Fred doubted that anyone else but him would have noticed.

The elder twin let out a long sigh and rolled his eyes. If George started getting loopy over you then he was sure as hell going to prank his brother as hard as he could.

“DAMMIT FRED!” George burst into the Great Hall, his legs moving in what you assumed to be an uncontrollable manner. Something not unlike a jig. When he heard you laughing at him he scowled, “This isn’t funny.”

“This is pretty funny.” across the hall you could see George’s little brother Ron and his first-year friends pointing and laughing as well. You took a bit of pity and did the counter spell to stop him from dancing. George gasped for air as he sat down next to you. When he stayed silent, without offering any sort of explanation you quirked an eyebrow. “So what was that about?”

Immediately George’s face flushed maroon, and you let out a wicked grin. There was no way in hell that George was going to tell you this happened because he’d been ranting to Fred about his crush on you.

No. That was going down with him to the grave.

Until you saw Fred walk into the Great Hall. Your head snapped towards the other twin and your smile was massive, “Why’s Georgie blushing?”

“Don’t call me Georgie!”

“Ah-- I think it’s his love of dance that’s gotten to him.” Fred said with a laugh as he slid into the seat next to you. He propped his chin up on his palm. “Speaking of ‘love’ you seeing anyone for Valentines day?”

“Nope.” if you hadn’t been focused on reading the Prophet you’d have seen George’s eyes bulge out of his skull. “Are you two doing anything fun that day? I figure you’re both planning something anyways-- can I join in?”

George’s face scrunched together, “You want to help us?”

“You never help us.”

You shrugged, “Being out with you two would be fun!” you weren’t going to admit that it was because you wanted to spend Valentines day with George in whatever way you could manage. That sounded far too pathetic.

Fred looked between you and George, he was fairly confident adding you into their little plan upped their chances of being caught by about three times but he’d spent the morning listening to George wondering and wring his hands about how to ask you out and he was fairly certain that the way you kept smiling at George meant you’d done the same wondering and wringing of your own hands.

He made eye contact with George and they spoke at the same time. “Of course you can join us.”

You were tired. All of you were tired. Ginny had been taken into the Chamber of Secrets, wherever that was supposed to be, and you had stayed up with the twins in the common room all night.

Thankfully, she had wound up fine, along with Ron and Harry, but it was still hard to fall asleep. Well, except for Fred who had passed out in an armchair.

It was still rather early in the morning, and you’d somehow found your arms wrapped around George in what was a rather clumsy but comfortable position on the couch. One of his legs was tucked underneath yours and his forehead was pressed against your left ear. He was sagging into your arms. Honestly? This was the closest you two had ever been to each other and in normal circumstances he would be a blushing mess and wondering if this was a good time to ask if he could kiss you, but he was tired.

The boy hadn’t slept in almost 36 hours. he was just tired. He just wanted to be reassured that it was all okay now. You were warm, and you were soft, and the way you were muttering to either yourself or both of them that it was all okay was like a balm on his soul.

”It’s all okay...” you weren’t even sure who you were talking to at this point. You’d spent the year in fear. Both of your parents were Muggles, something you were proud of, but you’d spent the year wondering if something was going to kill you. “It’s all over...”

George’s arms shifted around you until they were wrapped around your waist, his chin perched on your shoulder “I bet you’re feeling better, huh?”

It took a few moments for you to realize that someone was talking to you. When was the last time you’d slept? It seemed like a very long time ago. “What d’you mean?”

“They found the basilisk-- Harry killed it. You’re safe again.”

You shrugged just a bit, something that couldn’t have been seen but George could feel, “It doesn’t feel quite real yet.” there was a pause, “I’m just glad Ginny’s alright. And Ron too. I know how worried you were. I bet you’re very glad too.”

George’s heart swelled more than he thought possible, and for a moment he wondered if this is what his father felt for his mother.

“I’m happy you’re safe as well, you know.”

You were a bit nervous to go to the Burrow. This was about to be your fifth year at Hogwarts and of knowing the twins, but you were wondering what a magical house would be like. Was it a lot different from what you grew up with? Your mother had told you to be polite and had loaded you with scones to give Mrs. and Mr. Weasley along with a thank-you note from both of your parents saying how much they appreciated you being able to stay there for a whole month. There were supposedly several phone numbers in case of an emergency, but you doubted that anyone in the house would know how to use them.

Mrs. Weasley had been delighted at what you’d brought-- “Oh scones! Did your mother make these?”

“Ah-- my father and I actually, ma’am.”

She cooed a bit, grinning wide at her new guest, “How sweet of you! I’m glad that Fred and George have a good influence like you with them at school. I wonder how much trouble they’d get into if you weren’t there.” Molly missed the nervous glance you gave the twins, apparently she did not know how much you covered for them when they were out ‘causing trouble’. Fred made a ‘shushing’ motion while George gave you a wink that made your stomach do a flip.

“Well yes Mother dearest we’re all quite glad to have Y/N here an act as our guiding light through these trying times.” George placed a hand on your waist and began to steer you away from the kitchen to the outside where their siblings were playing Quidditch.

Fred’s arm draped over your shoulder as they walked you out of the front door, while you desperately tried to say a polite goodbye to their mother, “It was really nice to meet you Mrs. Weasley--” and like that you were outside, the July sun pounding on your face. You scowled at your friends, “I was trying to be polite to your mother.”

“Oh hush Y/N.” Fred drawled, “She already loves you. Just wait, she’ll be trying to get you to marry into the family in no time, you don’t need to worry.”

There was a small moment of fear at his seemingly offhand comment. Did he know about how you feel for George? You made eye contact with Fred and he gave you the smallest of nods.

He knew.

Fred released you and walked before you and George, loudly talking about how he’s finally going to teach you Quidditch and how it’s a bloody shame that he hasn’t yet.

You let out a sigh of relief. It didn’t seem like Fred would blow your cover.

George tightened his grip on your waist just a bit, his hand’s warmth seeping into your skin like time by the fire-- you sucked in a shaky breath and grinned up at him. You were a bit surprised by the look on his face. Like you’d never seen somebody look at you before.

Very quickly he let go of you and you stared ahead with a nervous grin and a pink face.

You knew George’s secret.

You were also far too scared and surprised to do anything of use with that secret.

“C’mere, Y/N.” George patted the spot next to him on the couch and immediately you plopped yourself down, hooking your legs over his and grinning at him. You two had settled into a routine that had seemed to confuse everyone else. People were constantly asking if you two were finally dating and seemed bewildered when you both said no. It was amusing.

Honestly? You could understand why they were wondering what was going on, but you’d become so comfortable you didn’t mind it. Would you like to be dating officially? Of course. Would you like to kiss him and public and do more than hold hands? Absolutely.

But right now you felt a lot like you imagined your aunt’s cat did when he fell asleep on a tile floor lit up by a sunbeam. Just comfortable and happy enough to not feel the need to seek out something better even though you knew it existed. George’s arm wrapped around your shoulder and pulled you close as you rested a head on his collarbone. “There’s a Yule Ball coming up y’know.” your words are quiet as the rest of the common room comes to life as Fred and Lee recount some funny story you’ve already heard about a dozen time.

George let out a small hum as he traced shapes onto your arm, “I heard a bit about that. You got a date?”

“Besides you? No.” you grinned as he let out a chuckle.

“Y/N, when’d you get so cheeky?”

“Bloody hell.” You really can’t hep but swear. The twins had picked you up from Kings Cross this year instead of your parents and you were excited to spend a bit of time with them before headed back home. It’d been months since you’d seen them after all. You walked around the interior of the shop that was set to open up the next day in awe.

It was beautiful. Really, it was.

You hadn’t quite thought whether a shop that sold the twin’s pranks could be lovely but here it was. In it’s bright colored glory as your shoe’s soles clacking on the hardwood floor provided the only sound as both twins waited eagerly for your response. “This is amazing.” There’s a laugh in your voice as you very gently-- you know the twins and are a bit concerned as to whether or not you’ll accidentally set something off by touching it-- pick up an object from a display.

A glance at the label gives you the answer as to what it is. A love potion? How fitting.

“This really is lovely you two.” you set it back on the shelf, and you see George sagging in relief as Fred lets out a long sigh.

“You’re the first one to come see the shop, y’know.”

“Well, Dad came to help us make sure we didn’t have to do repairs on it--” George started.

“But it was empty back then, no one’s seen it since we filled it up and decorated...” Fred looked like he was about to double over in relief. “It’s good to hear that it looks nice.”

You grinned at them, “You two open tomorrow right?”

“Yeah.” George rubbed his temple, and for once he looked quite nervous. You hadn’t seen him like this before.

“Would you like me to help out?” you hadn’t offered yet, but if you were going to be staying the week you might as well be earning your keep. “I’ll be here anyways! I can help restock and run the register.”

Fred looks so grateful that he might sweep you off his feet, George actually does. With a squeal of laughter you wrap your arms around George’s neck, “You’re opening up the shop! You two did it!”

“I’ll leave you two lovebirds alone.” Fred says with a laugh before striding up the stairs to their flat.

Your forehead is pressed into George’s cheek and you can’t help your giggles as he spins you around and around. He’s changed his cologne. “So where am I sleeping?”

“Oh-- are we not going to be sleeping together?” He laughed as you smacked him upside the head. “Not to worry, my gentle lady, Fred and I got you a futon. You can use my restroom to get ready and shower in if you’d like.”

“You guys went out and bought me a futon?” that was a surprise, you’d thought that you’d just be on the couch. He set you down very gently and rested his forehead against yours. You stared into his warm brown eyes and felt like you were drowning in a sea of warmth.

George let out a hum of agreement, “Of course we did. You’re Y/N. I reckon you’ll be over here once a week. You can’t just sleep on the couch that much. It’ll kill your back.”

“What makes you think I’ll be here so much.”

“C’mon Y/N!” he walked away from you, arms outstretched with a laugh, “It’s me! You can’t stay away!”

“I’m alright, Y/N.” George’s voice is weak, as you’re pacing around the living room. Things feel wrong. This is wrong. Everything is wrong. You’re only 19. George is only 19.

There’s no way he could have almost died. That’s not possible-- this isn’t possible.

And you feel, so incredibly selfish that you’re the one who needs panic right now when he’s the one who’s bandaged up on the couch. There’s a sense of loathing that you cannot shake that fills up your chest as you let out a sob-- “Y/N!”

You jerk your head towards him and see George standing up, immediately you rush over and get him sitting back down on the couch, “You have to rest!”

“I can’t rest with you panicking around the room like that.” he sighed when he saw your lip wobble and pulled you into his arms as he laid back down on the couch. His touch is quite like firewhisky. It burns but once it goes down you feel so much better.

Your hands grip his shirt as tightly as you can. You’d never held him this tight before, and you wondered if you ever would again. Why were you so surprised? You were in the Order of the Phoenix after all. You were briefed on this mission. You’d known everything that could have gone wrong.

But you’d done the same as the twins. You’d made jokes in the back. You’d chuckled over the thought of there being seven Harry’s. You’d made wagers on who’d be able to fly back fastest.

Who had even won that? You’d been so panicked that you hadn’t paid attention.

“You could have died.” your voice is quiet. There’s still people in the other room. Talking about the mission no doubt. Fred had helped clear everyone out so you two could have privacy. “You could have died.”

Suddenly you and your friend’s mortality was becoming very apparent to you. Your swallow was audible as your tried to ease the tightness in your throat. You were scared.

You weren’t used to being scared like this.

Everything felt cold.

Why had you waited so long to tell him how you felt? Because you’d had more time right? Or at least that’s what you’d believed. There was always supposed to be more time. You were only 19.

“I love you.” your voice is weak, and you can’t make it any louder even though you’d like to. Hell, you’d shout it right now if that could make everything better. “I love you George.”

You expected something. You weren’t sure what--

Well, actually you were sure. You were expecting him to say the same back to you, to hold you even closer and to smother you with kisses before he ran off to tell his brother Fred.

That didn’t happen. You noticed with a note of cold blooded fear that his hand had stopped moving long ago. Like a bolt you straightened yourself up to look down at him, worried about the worst when you realized that he’d fallen asleep long ago. You slumped, your forehead pressed against his chest for a moment before you swung your legs over his until you were off of the couch and standing in front of it.

You didn’t even hear Fred come in. “Finally said it, eh?” he had a sad smile on his face, “If I’d known all it would have taken was Georgie almost gettin’ killed to make you admit it I’d have blown off his ears years ago, Y/N.”

“Don’t tease me.” your voice is hoarse, you know Fred. You know he does this when he’s scared, but you’re scared too dammit.

His mouth becomes a straight line as he looks at you. You’re covered with George’s blood-- not surprising seeing as you’d cuddled with the absolute mess of a twin he had. “Just trying to ease the tension.” Finally he took pity on you and opened his arms up for a hug which you willingly took. You held him just as tight as you’d held George, and Fred held you so tight that you were worried about your arms losing blood supply. “He’s okay.”

You got the sense he was speaking more to himself than you. “What’s going to happen, Fred?”

What were you hoping for him to say? To tell the truth or to lie to you?

You didn’t know what you’d do without George, and you knew that Fred didn’t know either.

“We’ll be okay. The war will end, we’ll all be okay, and you and Georgie will be giant prats in love.” he thought for a moment before speaking in a more lighthearted tone, “And now with the one ear there’ll be no more debate on who’s the more handsome twin.”

“No you’re right. It’s still him.” you laughed as Fred dramatically pushed you away from him, looking scandalized to his very core.

“Go shower woman-- you look worse than Georgie does.”

Fred was gone. That thought didn’t make sense. You sat on George’s bed after the funeral-- rather uncomfortable in your black robes as George paced the room.

It was silent.

You’d been to the Burrow hundreds of times it felt like and it had always been a hub of warmth and light. This noisy crowded place that made you feel like you were home even though you were miles and miles away from your nearest family.

But it was quiet.

If you strained your ears you could almost hear someone crying but you weren’t sure if that was real or your mind making up some noise to break up the silence.

Even George’s shoes didn’t seem to be making noise.

“What do we do?”

You couldn’t even recognize George’s words as words for a long thirty seconds before you finally looked at him stunned and speechless. You’d cried so much at the funeral that your throat was dry and scratchy. You didn’t think you could cry anymore even if you wanted to. Mutely you shook your head, you didn’t know. You had no idea.

There were no words for him.

What could you say to him? That things would be okay? That everything was going to be fine even though someone who he’d known for every second of his life had gone away?

Were you supposed to tell him this was part of a plan?

That there was a reason to this?

You needed to say something, but you couldn’t make yourself speak. You wanted to tell him that you loved him and that you would help him through this. Your vocal chords seemed to have stopped working though and your mouth moved without sound.

George looked at you expectantly, almost as if your words could bring back Fred.

But you couldn’t bring back Fred.

You couldn’t fix things.

You were a mortal woman, with your own failings. You were not the perfect being he hoped you would be for him.

Silently you held open your arms, shifting so that he could lie down next to you in the bed with his ear on your collarbone-- able to listen to your heart. Something to fill in the silence.

He held you tight, and his weight was a welcome presence. He was there. He was there and he was alive.

You choked on a sob, wondering how terrible of a person you could be to be grateful that it wasn’t him who died. Fred had been like a brother. Your hand threaded through George’s hair as you held him as close to you as humanly possible. It seemed that you’d set off a chain reaction of noise because soon enough George was sobbing and down the hall in another bedroom you heard a wail that could only have come from Mrs. Weasley. The rattling sob that pierced that sound had to have been her husband.

Percy’s voice drifted through the wall as he raved to Charlie wondering what could have gone different to fix this.

You could almost hear Charlie telling Percy that there wasn’t anything he could have done.

Someone was speaking French. You reckoned Fluer was comforting Bill.

There was silence from Ron and Ginny but you reckoned that they were sitting with Hermione and Harry in the quiet as this whole thing set in.

You felt George gripping you so tight it hurt as he tried to speak and failed, it all just coming out a garbled mess of sobs that shook you to your very core.

Fred was gone.

#george weasley #george weasley imagine #george weasley fanfiction #george weasley x reader #fred weasley #fic: marry me #my writing #message me if you'd like to be on the tagged list!#my imagines

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margaretbeagle · 3 years

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When Taking Fridays Off Can Help Our Team Get More Done: An AMA on the 4-Day Work Week

Since we first kicked off a 4-day work week in May 2020, people have had a lot of questions about it. What day are we taking off? How long will we continue this practice? Is everyone really working four-days a week or are some people working more? Some of the answers to these questions have changed over the last few months, and I’m sure some will continue to change and evolve as we learn more about operating within a four-day work week. A little while ago, I decided to answer questions about our four-day work week policy on Twitter, and I got a fantastic response. I’ve included a high-level recap in this post, but feel free to check out the whole thread if you’d like to see every reply. Without further ado, here are some of the questions I got about the four-day work week organized into a few top categories, along with my replies and those of Caryn Hubbard, our VP of Finance, and Åsa Nystrom, our VP of Customer Advocacy, who contributed to several answers.

Why a 4-day work week?

Pranay asked: Why did it take a pandemic to implement it and why is a 4 day work week matter - cant it just be about the work itself instead of timing it? We've thought about it for years, and I have a fundamental belief that 5-day workweeks aren't necessarily optimal. The pandemic meant added stress for all of us, especially for the parents in the team. I wanted to get through it with the team, mentally, in the best position. I believe that many businesses that are squeezing every last drop they can get out of their companies in terms of profit, productivity, etc. suddenly ran into issues in the pandemic. Growth goals to hit and no profit margin, meant layoffs for many companies. And when you make layoffs, you erode trust significantly with your team. That can take years to build back. I wanted to build trust with my team through the pandemic. This was one of the best ways that I thought to do it.

How does it work?

Niel asked: Does everyone take the same day off? Or is it up to the individual? Or is it based on teams? Or something more nuanced? In the beginning, we experimented with teams deciding the day, but knowing which day and having adequate time for cross-team collaboration was a challenge. Frankly it felt quite chaotic. Now, we do Fridays other than Customer Advocacy which rotate the day. Shubham asked: Which 4 days of the week do you work? M - TH or Tu - Fr or something else? Do you find that the team tries to fit in 5 days of work in 4? For the majority of the team, we do M - TH. In the beginning I tried Wednesdays as my day off, and enjoyed that but I prefer Fridays now. 3-day weekends are very powerful. I think overall, the team tries to work smarter. Perhaps trying to fit 4.5 days into 4. David asked: woah didn't know you were doing this - love it what would your reasons be for going back to 5 day? The reasons would likely be not achieving our goals, which would be sad because I fundamentally don't believe it's putting in hours that will get us there. And, one key thing is that over time, we've realized that 4-days should feel like a privilege, not entitled. So, if you get your tasks and goals for the week done, awesome - take that day off. If you didn't quite do enough for us to reach our goals, spend part of Friday working. Scott asked: Doing a 4, 10’s type of deal? Or not tracking exact hours, rather output and movement? Not tracking exact hours, and more focus on tracking output. The goal is to achieve the same if not more, in less overall hours worked (more along the lines of 4 8's). Gaya asked: That’s awesome! Hopefully more companies will follow to normalise this. Q: Did the salaries stay the same? I know people who are holding back from working less because of decrease in pay No change to salaries at Buffer with our 4-day workweeks. It's less hours for the same pay. I don't believe in same hours in less days, because for me 4-day workweeks are really about a more fundamental belief that hours worked are not correlated with results. Stone asked: Love that you did this! Do you build in any deep work/no meetings time as well? Do you think the pandemic was needed for the transition/will you keep@it when offices reopen? How confident are you that people aren’t working longer 4 days or actually taking Friday off? For many years we've had discussions and focus on deep work, and many teams have a day with no meetings. I don't think the pandemic was needed to do it, but it was a motivator. I'm confident we'll keep at it after, too. We're already 100% remote so no actual offices. I'm confident in most cases people are taking the Friday off. That said, we also don't actively discourage working a little on Friday, if the team member feels that is needed to achieve our goals. We have big ambitions for what we can do for customers *and* innovating culture.

How do specific teams and teammates manage a 4-day work week?

Dwija asked: Do you have mothers working as full time employees? If working hours of those 4 days increase - how do they manage? I know it depends on them but just curious. Females are taking a hit - BIG TIME in Covid. ( For example: Yours truly) From Caryn: We have many mothers and fathers at Buffer. Our shift to the flexibility of a 4 day workweek has been one of the most key things keeping my family of 5 healthy & safe this past year. The trust & flexibility to work the schedule that works for me & my family is everything. From Joel: To add to the great insights Caryn shared, our decision to try a 4DWW was very much with parents in mind. Working hours haven't increased. We work hard as a team to strive to achieve our goals without regularly working more hours. More here. Mark asked: Does customer support participate in the 4-day week? If so, how do you stagger hours / meet customer expectations? Yes, they do, but we still want to serve customers to the same high level. Over time, we've tweaked our 4-day workweek to drive us to push ourselves in the 4-days and feel like we've really earned that day off, not entitled to it. Our customer support team is the one team that switches up the day off in order to make sure we maintain coverage for customers. Stefan asked: Are the customer-facing teams doing 4-day work weeks as well? If so, are they all off on Fridays? If so, are customers’ emails/calls not answered till Monday? No, we have to take a slightly more unique approach in our customer service team. We're fully committed to providing world-class service, and we know the world works M-F (and even weekends). The specific day is different per team member, so more of a relay in that team. Have y’all had any issues with a handoff from one team member to another in this relay system? From Åsa: Jumping in to help with this q. No issues! We work in four-day blocks and use an assigned inbox flow to keep consistency in our customer communications. Our team covers most of the globe and are in constant communication across the week to keep on top of issues etc. Jean asked: Do you have a strong customer support team in terms of number of people? Are you also applying this formula to tech team? Our customer support team is 21 people out of 85. All teams adopt the 4-day workweek, but we also have goals we strive for and we see the 5th day as something earned not entitled. Mercer followed up with: Does that mean that your support team doesn’t always get the same time off? How do you strive to protect the time of your customer-facing teams (who so frequently don’t get the same blessings as the other teams around them)? It's not necessarily that different for our support team, but it's often more measurable for a support team. So we aim to be mindful of that. But we also have engineering teams that will work the 5th day if they don't feel on track. Most teams work 4-days now. From Åsa: Everyone on the CS team works a 4-day block & has the same days off every week to make sure we have the same ability to disengage and recharge! Being customer-facing doesn't mean we can't participate in company initiatives like these, it just means we need to plan a bit more. Sllyllyd asked: Do the more senior team members stick to four days? In general, yes. Often the more senior team members are the ones who feel the most accountability and energy for goals, and so we sometimes work the extra day to get make sure we're on track. It's not the norm, though, and when we do it's usually just a couple of hours. From Caryn: There's a high level of flexibility and trust that we'll meet our shared and individual goals w/in the schedule that works best for us. As a mom of 3, my needs look different than fellow colleagues but I thrive with that mutual respect & trust. Sometimes I choose to work 5 days.

How is it going?

Daniel asked: What’s better than you expected? What’s worse than you expected? Better: The extra day builds in reflection time that we often don't make room for, where many of us solve problems. So in many ways, we do more meaningful work. Harder: Purpose becomes even more important. We need to feel driven to do great work in the precious 4 days we have. Purpose on an org level or individual level? Both. Especially with the past year we've had. The real magic is when org purpose feels intertwined with a personal sense of purpose, something worthy to go after that can really make a difference. If org purpose feels like it serves society, individual purpose usually follows. Jesse asked: Are people get as much done? Do you have hourly staff? We have no hourly staff, which is important. This isn't less hours for less pay, it's less hours for the same pay. In terms of productivity, that's hard to measure in this wild past year we've had. But, things look promising. Philosophically, I believe we can get as much done. Awesome. Are people happier and more excited to come to work? Boost in moral? Did you see it level off? Yes, to all of that! You nailed it. We've not felt it level off yet, there's still a ton of gratitude for the 4-day workweeks 9+ months in. André-Paul asked: What are the biggest changes you've noticed within your team? Any new routines/behaviours/processes? Well, there's definitely a new level of gratitude. We're here, trying out this wild new thing, and gaining this extra day for family or ourselves. It's awesome. And with that, a sense of alongside gaining flexibility, giving flexibility too. What I mean by gaining flexibility and giving flexibility is, especially as a global team, we need to be open to meetings once in a while earlier in a morning or late at night, to make everything happen. Especially with a 4-day workweek. So, a renewed sense of, we're lucky to have this extra freedom but let's be smart about how we work in order to make 4-day workweeks really work for us as a company and for customers, so we can keep having them. Ali asked: Has the rate of burnout gone down? It's hard to measure, but I believe absolutely, it has. Or rather, 2020 was a year that drove much more burnout than most years and we minimized the amount in part through implementing the 4-day workweek. Michelle asked: I can always find more to do. Are people self-disciplined enough to really take Friday off and are people good enough at knowing how much they can really get done in a week or do they set goals that are too lofty and usually end up working Fridays? Great question. I think it's somewhere in the middle. I genuinely thing most people now take Fridays off. But, we still have big ambitions as a company and so once in a while we need to work a Friday. The real magic is when the Friday off helps you actually get more done. Luthfur asked: How are you measuring productivity? Put another way, how do you intend to make the decision on whether this is going well or not. Ultimately, we will make our decision based on whether we achieve our goals as a company. I fundamentally believe though, that the 5-day workweek is a relic of the industrial era and not necessarily the most effective way to work. So I believe we can achieve our goals in 4DWWs. One of the benefits we have, is that investors do not control our company. We can take longer term stances and decisions, that we believe will lead to great results in time. — If you or your team are trying a 4-day work week send me a tweet to share how it’s going for you, I’d love to hear about it!

When Taking Fridays Off Can Help Our Team Get More Done: An AMA on the 4-Day Work Week published first on https://improfitninja.weebly.com/

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livingonthroughme-blog · 3 years

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Heavy

Woke up feeling heavy. The other day I had “rich girl” stuck in my head when I woke up & I laughed at your sense of humor.

Today is different. We spent Easter with Paul & Mariela. It was nice, but not the same without you there. Paul asked me to say the prayer. You usually do such a good job. I hope I did you some justice.

Some random things that popped into my head this morning while feeling a little down:

How you used to rub your fingers together while deep in thought.

The Saturday mornings you’d spend at your desk first doing bills then pondering the plans for the weekend or whatever other random things came into your mind. You were always a deep thinker. I get that from you.

The cough noise you made clearing your throat. Ahemahemahah

The random gifts I bought you the past few years. Annoying that it took so long for me to finally get it right but also good that I finally figured you out. You loved the athletic shirts and the underarmor I got you - you were excited to have something light weight but warm to wear for work. You wanted a heated hoodie next - that was going to be your next gift. I also got you the mr. coffee (we were talking about that at thanksgiving) and the massager the bottle brush cleaner and comfy sweats. I’m not even sure how much use you got out of this stuff because Christmas was just a few months ago. *sigh*

Anyway...it was nice seeing Paul but of course it was also a little bizarre. The last time I was there was with you for Thanksgiving. Who would think that a short 4.5 months later you’d be gone. It felt like we were just there together a few weeks ago! And I suppose it was just a few weeks ago.

I’m glad we spent that holiday together. And I’m glad we did Christmas after I saw everyone else. I’m glad I don’t have the burden of worrying if I gave you COVID. I’m glad we got 1 on 1 time. I’m just grateful for you. Love you dad.

P.s. - We had so much fun telling stories and reminscing. Paul told me about the time I was an infant and I was on the floor next to the big vases. I told Paul the story about the time you baby proofed the house I got into the garbage (lol) he told me about grandma Anna and how she loved making palm crosses and how palm sunday was Aunt Margie’s favorite holiday and how she ultimately died on Palm Sunday. And then I said you’re all together now just waiting for the rest of us to join you. Paul said “well, they’re gonna have to wait a little”. LOL. But a part of me hopes it’s sooner than later because I don’t know how to do this life without you Dad.

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technicallymilkshakes · 7 years

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Darkness Falls (Dusk)

A Vampire!AU mini-series Genre(s): I really don’t know. Crack treated seriously? Fluff? Mystery? Pairing: Suho x Reader Word Count: 4.5k Warning for mentions of blood and use of manipulation.

Inspired by this prompt: Vampires have always been hidden creatures, creating complex strategies to avoid being discovered. You had always believed them to be a myth, something parents invented and threatened their kids with if they ever wanted to stay out late. After years of slipping out of your window to run down the street and meet your friends, this particular night adds some difficulties. Tonight, you don’t make it down the street. You don’t make it a foot away from your house. Because tonight, you were caught. Not by your mother, not by your father, but by a man’s silhouette, and even in the dark you are able to see his blood red eyes.

Dusk // Eventide

You never quite imagined yourself sitting across from a vampire at McDonald’s but, well, here you are.

“This tastes so good,” he moans, taking a large bite of his Big Mac. You make some noncommittal noise, a mhm or something of the sort, and grab another fry to distract yourself from the flash of massive freaking fangs you just saw.

He’s wearing gloves, too. While he’s eating. Nice, black leather ones, like driving gloves. There’s even a smidge of ketchup on it. Honestly speaking, it’s one of the most disturbing things you’ve ever seen.

You scan the room, looking for anyone else you could latch onto for rescue, someone who might assure you this is simply a hallucination, perhaps induced by all the paint fumes you’ve been subjected to at work while they renovate the waiting room. Alas, no one seems willing to toss you a lifeline and you sigh and decide that maybe another fry will help alleviate your mental distress.

The vampire is oblivious though, focused on gobbling down the burger. Every once in a while, his dark eyes will jealously track the progress of another fry making its way into your mouth, but he’s always too preoccupied with a mouthful of food to say any anything about it. Besides, you paid for this meal. There’s nothing he can do about it.

(Except suck you dry and leave your corpse next to an empty packet of fries in some forgotten corner of a McDonald’s.)

“SO!”

The vampire startles and he hunches protectively over his food. An errant piece of lettuce hangs between his lips.

“I, uh… Haha, I didn’t know vampires could eat human food.”

He straightens, finishes chewing his mouthful with more dignity.

“I’m a scavenger vampire.” He says it politely, if not a little more exasperated than the first two times. He finishes the Big Mac, picks up a napkin and dabs his lips with it before unwrapping his Quarter Pounder. “There’s a difference.”

“But you both drink blood. And you have the…” You make an uneasy gesture with your hand towards your mouth.

He closes his eyes and this time you don’t think it’s in ecstasy over the burger.

“The predatory vampires have been on a campaign to destroy our image for ages. Long enough to convince humans that this,” he points to himself, “is what they look like.”

Something seems to strike him then and he begins to scrutinize you.

“You know, you really shouldn’t walk up to strangers and offer them your blood. It’s dangerous. Especially if you suspect them of being a vampire.”

You fight the very real urge to chuck a packet of ketchup at his face.

“You COMPELLED me to do that!”

You were walking home after work when your eyes met red ones. Everything seemed to slide out of your hands at that moment, as if you had suddenly stepped onto a track and a remote operator took over. There was only one direction, one purpose. You slipped out of the stream of people and moved towards the figure huddled pitifully next to a mailbox.

“Sorry, can you give me a hand? I’m a bit wobbly at the moment, and I’m starving.”

Your arm stretched out and he moved to grasp it with his own, but you kept moving until your wrist was pressed up against his lips.

“What?” He grabbed your arm and held it steady, unsure what you wanted him to do with it.

“Drink.”

His face contorted in horror then and he recoiled, shoving your arm away.

“I only wanted McDonald’s!”

He sends you a mild look over top his burger.

“It’s survival instinct. I can’t help it.”

He pops the final bite into his mouth, wipes his lips one last time, then slides the tray in your direction.

“Thanks for the meal!” He beams then slumps, unconscious, over the table.

Scavenger vampires, as it turns out, are very different from everything you expected them to be. Or at least Junmyeon is. Yes, they drink blood, but it’s almost exclusively from newly dead things. Turns out they’re called scavengers for a reason. They rarely do any killing themselves.

“So you wouldn’t drink my blood?”

He pulls a face.

“Not if I could help it. I prefer my blood a little more coagulated. The texture—“

Your hand clapped over his mouth prevents the rest of his sentence from getting out.

“Not while we’re eating!” you hiss. You pause, then add, “Or at any other time!” A shudder works its way throughout your entire body.

The two of you are out for Indian curry tonight. After his miraculous reanimation in McDonald’s (turns out he was just digesting), he insisted on getting your phone number so he could “pay you back.” He invites you out under the guise of paying (“My treat!”) only to wind up mooching off of you. This is the fourth time you’ve met up with him for dinner and you’ve paid Every. Single. Time.

True to form, Junmyeon’s splayed over the table again when the waiter comes by with the bill.

“Is he okay,” he mouths to you, sending concerned little glances to the oblivious vampire.

“Oh, yeah. He’s fine. I think it’s just a stomach ache. Must’ve been too spicy for him.”

The waiter makes an understanding face. He comes back a couple minutes later with a yogurt drink.

“It’s on the house. It’ll help settle his stomach.” He takes the bill, which you’re paying with your credit card, with him as he leaves.

Really, there must be something wrong with you to accept a vampire’s invitation to dinner. You stab the yogurt drink with the straw and prop you head up lazily on your hands while you drink. Perhaps all those scary stories you grew up with have desensitized you to such things as fear and common sense now. But you really couldn’t find it in yourself to be scared of him when he replied to your demands to meet at a very busy restaurant with “Ooh it has 4.5 stars on Yelp! :D” Besides, you had questions that needed answering.

It takes another ten minutes of bored staring on your part for Junmyeon to rouse himself. You hit the dregs of the yogurt long ago and continue sipping at the straw just to annoy him.

He glances around, perhaps looking for a check. He seems to realize there is none when he looks back at you in surprise.

That’s right, you think with sadistic delight, feeling bad I paid for you again?

Then he relaxes. “Thanks for the meal!” he chirps. It’s a phrase you’re becoming very familiar with. He’s smiling at you and it’s oddly disarming if you can look past the unnaturally large eyeteeth. His cheeks bunch up and his eyes do this little curvy-squinty thing and it’s almost.. Cute.

Uh-oh.

“Are you even alive?”

He gives you a very affronted look.

“Of course I’m alive.”

You eyeball him. He’s wearing a sweater with his jeans and loafers, an overcoat, and a beanie. And the gloves. You can’t forget the gloves.

It’s 65 degrees out.

“I don’t know how,” you mutter.

The two of you are taking a late night stroll around one of the city plazas after dinner. A group of teenagers are sitting together by the fountain in the center. Their chatter gets periodically drowned out by the patter of water. A soft breeze ruffles the stray bits of Junmyeon’s fringe peeking out from his beanie, bringing with it a fine spray of mist. Junmyeon huddles deeper into his coat. You slip around to his other side, between him and the fountain.

“So what do you do during the day? Do you sleep? Wait… can you sleep?”

He laughs so hard he stops and doubles over from the force of it. It echoes in the open space of the plaza. You can’t help the confused smile growing on your lips. He seems closer now somehow. Not physically, but like a tension you didn’t know you were carrying has been shed. It feels like this is the first time you’re really comfortable in each other’s presence, and by the time he answers, you already forgot about your question.

“Yes, I sleep. During the nights just like you. During the days, I wake up, eat, go to work… I imagine it’s pretty similar to what you do during the day.”

“But.. I thought… What about the sun?”

He giggles at you. Giggles.

“Scavengers aren’t really affected by the sun. It can get uncomfortable on sunny days, but it rarely becomes intolerable.”

By now the two of you have recommenced walking, and you are quiet in thought until a suspicion springs to mind.

“You said scavengers aren’t affected. Does that mean the other vampires are?”

His smile fades and you jump in with more questions.

“They’re the ones that drink blood from the living too, right? And kill? You said that humans think that scavengers are the bad vampires, but it’s really the other guys, isn’t it. They’re the bad ones.”

He reaches a hand out and squeezes your arm lightly.

“Let’s not get into politics out here. Why don’t you tell me more about what you do.”

The next week, you don’t hear from Junmyeon at all. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday you spend staring at your phone in your free time. You try to think of ways to ask if he’s okay, if you offended him, if he hates you all without sounding too desperate or concerned. You end up not saying anything at all. It’s not like you’re that close. You’re only dinner buddies.

You let it bother you quietly until Friday night when your co-workers invite you out for a drink after work. Typically you’d skip out on this type of thing. You’re the newest one in the office and still uncertain of where you fit amongst your colleagues. Besides, you’re usually so tired come Friday that you just want to head straight home after work so you can curl up on your couch with movies playing in the background and fall asleep. That or you’d be eating dinner with Junmyeon.

You agree. Tonight, you need a distraction.

Of course. Of course you’d run into him tonight.

You’re helping Jihyun to the next bar for round two when you stop in front of a window to rearrange your hold. The light glows warmly inside and you can hear the clink of cutlery and mixed conversation floating from the entrance. You glance over and you don’t even recognize him at first. And you wish you could excuse it on the alcohol, but you had one beer an hour ago and you don’t think anyone’s that much of a light weight. No, it’s him all right. He just looks very different.

He’s divested himself of his winter gear for one. You can see his fingers. His hair is swept up off his forehead, the first time you’ve seen it styled that way. He’s dressed in a handsome black turtleneck and in the company of several other well-dressed, gorgeous looking people. The waitress comes over then and he’s the first one to reach for the check. He doesn’t spare so much as a glance at the total before sliding his card in, just keeps laughing at what someone says, hand covering his mouth politely.

It stings. You feel unaccountably used. You drag Jihyun away from the window and make it to the bar where you deposit him. Your mood has soured too much to stay, so you call it an early night despite your co-workers attempts to woo another drink, another hour out of you.

I’m craving some Italian. It’s my treat! What do you say?

You scowl at the message.

Okay.

You’re such an idiot.

Dinner starts off on a bad foot. You come fifteen minutes later than the time agreed upon intentionally and he’s not even there yet. He pops up right behind you a minute later, laughing conspiratorially at your dual tardiness.

He’s able to chatter on without much effort on your part. He mentions something about wanting to try this restaurant out for ages after hearing about it on recommendation from a friend. He laughs over his indecisiveness with the waiter, claims that everything sounds so good. He’s so ridiculously cheerful it puts you off even more.

He makes it all the way through the starters before he brings up your lack of enthusiasm.

“You seem a little quiet today.”

“You seem a little concerned today.” You purse your lips. Stupid. “Forget I said that. Sorry.”

His eyebrows rise and he stops twirling his spaghetti to lay his fork down.

“Is something the matter? Did something happen at work?”

“How old are you?” you ask.

His lips twitch. It looks like he’s holding off a smile. The atmosphere is still heavy.

“Older than you, probably.”

“Older than me, huh…” You push your ravioli in a circuit around your plate.

“Is that a problem?”

“If you’re older, aren’t you supposed to treat me? We’ve gone out to eat I don’t know how many times, but I do know that I’ve paid for each and every single one of them. For both of us. And I really don’t mind paying some of the time, it’s only fair, but every time? Am I some kind of wallet to you?

“Is that your tactic? Play to some fool’s sympathies and sucker them out of every Won they’re worth ‘til they can’t afford anything and starve to death?” It’s far-fetched and you know it, but you can’t stop yourself. “At least the other guys are upfront about it. Their mothers must’ve taught them manners. They know not to play with their food.”

You take a deep breath and push your chair back. You feel a little light-headed. “Excuse me, but this time I won’t let myself be tricked.”

Taxi fare home that night is more than the meal probably would’ve cost, but you’re too drained to care. You stumble into bed without changing and only manage to fall asleep after a thunderstorm rolls in during the early morning hours, loud enough to wash out the sound of your regrets.

The next day, a Tuesday, you take a sick day. You’re not sick, but you feel miserable enough to be. You’ve gone so far as to resort to watching reality TV while you zombie out on the couch. It’s already afternoon and you’ve been contemplating what to eat for lunch for the past two hours. You’ve just renewed your commitment to the couch for another fifteen minutes when someone knocks on the door.

You close your eyes. You pray that they don’t knock again, that they knocked on the wrong door, that they knocked on the right door and the sound just travelled so it sounds like it’s coming from your door but it isn’t. Anything so that you don’t have to get up.

They knock again. It’s your door. They even use the knocker this time. What a polite asshole.

You shove yourself up, wrap a blanket around your body. You open your front door without undoing the chain.

“Hi,” he says.

“Huh?” you reply.

Junmyeon holds up a bag of food. It smells suspiciously like your favorite tacos, the ones from the food vendor near your work.

“I brought your favorite tacos, the ones from the food vendor near your work.” He rubs the back of his neck sheepishly as you continue to stare at him without answer. “I think you mentioned it once or twice.”

You unchain the door then open it wide for him but he doesn’t seem to get the picture.

“Can I come in?” he asks.

You blink. “Yeah, uh.. Yeah.”

“Thanks,” he says, and wow, that’s the first time you’ve seen that particular smile.

He makes himself at home and sets the bag down on the small dining room table you bought to feel more like a proper adult even though you never use it. He pulls out a chair, tells you to sit down and let him take care of everything and you do, even though a minute later you have to get back up so you can show him where everything is.

By the time he’s sat down across from you, he looks more flustered than you’ve ever seen him.

“I wanted to apologize,” he begins. You’re staring hard at him but he’s resolutely avoiding your gaze. “I thought ‘It’s my treat’ meant ‘it’s something I look forward to,’ but my friend told me that it’s actually something you say when you intend to pay for everyone.” His cheeks are flushed. “I never meant to make you pay for all those meals, you just seemed to do it without asking and I…” He rubs his neck. “I thought you were being really nice. But!” He finally meets your eyes. “I promise I’ll pay from now on. Really, it’ll be my treat for real. Starting with this.” He gestures at the tacos.

And it’s like a silent standoff for a moment as you contemplate them. The tension is so thick it feels like everything’s a hair trigger away from blowing up for no reason. Junmyeon sits on the edge of his seat.

You reach out and grab a taco, cradling it in your hands. You smile.

“Thanks for the meal.”

Soon, the two of you have incorporated regular takeaway meals at your apartment into the routine. It feels less like the vampire is a dining companion now and more like you’ve grown to be friends.

He makes himself comfortable in your home. He sheds his coat and gloves after the first visit. You can’t stop yourself from staring at his hands. They certainly aren’t as delicate as you had imagined.

Amid a conversation over pizza, he tells you all about his love of comic books. He loves superheroes, he confesses. And he looks somewhat abashed, so you tell him to bring some comic books over next time. He does. It’s touching, how eager he is to share this passion with you, how he trusts you’ll meet his enthusiasm with understanding. He even leaves some behind for you to read.

The next time he comes over, you pull him into a Marvel universe movie marathon and you discover something else of significance.

Junmyeon is a cuddler.

The two of you start at opposite ends of the couch. You had pulled a blanket off your bed so you could snuggle up in it. Twenty minutes into the movie, the vampire is by your feet and has one end of the blanket pulled over his lap. By the end of the movie, he’s pressed up against your side, head against your shoulder and a hand on your thigh. You get up for a bathroom break while he changes DVDs and once you’ve settled yourself back down on the couch, he rearranges himself next to you just as before.

You make no comment on it that night, but you start noticing that he’s freer with his touches after that. He likes to sit close enough that your thighs brush and often holds hands with you when you walk. You’ve never been particularly prickly about skinship, but even you think you should have some reservations about how easily this becomes normal.

It’s not just him, either. One time, after he makes an unannounced visit, you mention that a coworker had a birthday today and sent you home with more cupcakes than you know what to do with. You’re not a big fan of sweets, you tell him, nor of vanilla.

“You don’t like vanilla?!” He gasps. “How can anyone dislike vanilla?” You tell him that he can help himself to all the cupcakes if he likes and he’s so ecstatic he hugs you, cheek against cheek, before racing off to grab one. He licks all the icing off in front of you first and you learn he’s one of those types.

Now you keep a stock of vanilla flavored goods in your house. Not for the hugs or anything. It’s just nice to see him light up when he’s rummaging through the cupboards and finds a new treat.

But you really can’t help but question it one rainy Sunday afternoon. Junmyeon’s starfished on the ground, refusing to acknowledge his horrible loss to you at Battleship. You’re quietly packing the game away when he pulls you down to lie half on top of him.

“You’re awfully touchy, aren’t you?” you ask into the side of his neck.

His shoulders hunch up from the sensation. “I’m not!”

He explains that because his body takes a longer time and uses more energy to break down nutrients than, says, humans, he gets cold more easily.

“You just happen to be my nearest source of warmth.”

You try to sit up, but his arms clamp down around you to prevent you from leaving.

“How convenient for you.”

But, you think to yourself as you’re lulled to sleep in his arms, this is pretty nice.

Seeing Junmyeon is very rarely unpleasant, but this is one of those times.

“Can we come in?”

There’s a young man with wide eyes gripping Junmyeon around the waist. He looks perfectly calm, but the subtle tremble in his arms from holding up the additional weight belies that.

You throw the door wide open. “Of course!”

The stranger sets Junmyeon on the couch.

“Sorry. I didn’t even take my shoes off,” Junmyeon gasps out and tries to smile. “This is Kyungsoo.”

The other man dips his head.

“What happened?” you demand.

The scavenger has a black eye, a busted lip, a chipped fang, and his left cheek is beginning to swell. Not to mention countless scrapes and small bruises along his neck, jaw, and knuckles. There’s an odd whistle every time he breathes that sounds worrying.

Junmyeon closes his eyes, so you turn to Kyungsoo.

“We ran into some unsavory types, that’s all.”

You can tell there’s more to the story, but Kyungsoo doesn’t look at all inclined to divulge any more than he already has.

“Junmyeon needs a place to rest up and he said this was the closest.” He turns to the scavenger. “He didn’t tell me it was a human’s place.”

Junmyeon winces.

Human? You run a critical eye over Kyungsoo. You hadn’t noticed any fangs while he spoke.

“The human,”Junmyeon says, a touch sardonically, “is safe. I can vouch for that.”

Kyungsoo harrumphs, then bites down on an arm until blood beads up in two small pinpricks. He moves close to Junmyeon, who starts to lathe away the blood.

That’s when it strikes you.

“You’re a vampire. One of the bad ones.”

Kyungsoo scowls.

“I am not a bad one.”

“But you’re one of the other ones.. The…” You search for the word. “The predator ones!”

“Yes, that’s true,” he concedes. “But that doesn’t make me a bad vampire.” He squints at you. “Do you think Junmyeon would accompany a dangerous vampire into your apartment?” He doesn’t let you answer, just makes it clear that his opinion of you certainly isn’t rising any. “You should stop that, by the way.”

“Stop what?”

“Inviting unknown vampires into your apartment.”

“It’s not like I could help it, could I?”

Kyungsoo scoffs and you can hear muffled laughter coming from Junmyeon.

“You invited us in.” He waits for you to get it.

You don’t get it.

Kyungsoo sighs.

“Haven’t you ever heard that a vampire has to be invited inside before they can enter a house? Just don’t invite anyone in next time.”

You throw your arms up in the air.

“I thought it was a myth! I thought vampires were a myth until a couple of months ago and I’ve been proven continuously wrong about them. How was I supposed to know this one little detail was actually right?” You add in a whisper, “I thought you guys were just incredibly polite.”

Junmyeon pulls away from Kyungsoo. He looks a little better.

“He’s right. You need to be more careful from now on.” He’s struggling to his feet when you stop him.

“What are you doing?”

“I have to go back. The alliance…”

The other vampire cuts him off. “In a few minutes, you’ll lose consciousness while your body heals itself. What exactly are you planning on doing? Giving yourself up? Just rest.”

“But—“

“Rest.”

The scavenger immediately complies, laying back down and closing his eyes.

“You Compelled him,” you accuse.

“He wasn’t listening. He needs to rest.” Kyungsoo starts moving towards the door. “Don’t let him leave until morning. Don’t let anyone in, under any circumstances. If an emergency arises, call me here.”

He hands you a card.

“Do you understand? Junmyeon isn’t your pet vampire. You’ve gotten yourself mixed into things beyond your understanding. I suggest you listen closely to us and do as we say, otherwise you’ll end up jeopardizing more than just your life.” He stares at you and there’s nothing so different about this one than the others he’s already given you, but it makes your heart start pounding and you take an automatic step back.

A sleep-heavy voice rises up from the couch.

“Kyungsoo, stop Intimidating the human.”

The vampire snorts and breaks eye contact with you. Your shivering ceases.

“Don’t forget what I said” is the parting riposte before the door slams shut. You hurriedly lock the door.

Junmyeon musters up enough energy to open his eyes and send you a comforting smile. “I’ll tell you what you need to know in the morning.”

Heavy rapping on your door wakes you up at two in the morning. You jolt up from where you’d fallen asleep on the floor next to the couch. It doesn’t let up and you trip over to the door by the unsteady glow of the TV.

The hallway light is blinding when you peer through the peephole and it takes a minute to adjust. You’re just identifying the two figures when one bellows “Police! Open up!”

“Don’t open it.”

You startle and whip around. Junmyeon’s sitting up on the couch. His eyes glow red in the darkness.

“Don’t open the door.”

“Junmyeon, who are those people?”

“They aren’t the police.”

You slowly undo one lock behind your back.

“But I’ve seen you eating dinner with them before. Why can’t I open the door?”

The vampire doesn’t say anything. He slides off the couch and advances quickly upon you. You scramble to undo the chain without looking away, but his Compulsion stops you.

“Don’t move.”

He leans forward and reaches around you and you think that if you weren’t already compelled, you would’ve been petrified with terror. There’s a soft snick. He’s locked the door.

You close your eyes and take a long, quivering breath. Junmyeon’s voice slithers hypnotically into your mind.

“You’re tired. Go rest in the bedroom. When you wake up, you’ll feel refreshed and ready to listen. Go on. Rest.”

Lethargy clouds your brain. You struggle against it long enough to hear “It’s an emergency. They’re outside the apartment. She wasn’t listening, so I had to Compel her. I don’t know if she’ll be a willing part of the ceremony“ and then the world ripples into darkness.

A/N: Happy Halloween! I really don’t know what this is.

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