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just-my-thoughts-about-stuff · 3 years

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Do you think Miguel was a good addition in regards to the larger narrative? (DEH Book spoilers below!!)

I’ll begin by mentioning I’m not actually finished with the DEH book yet, therefore I might not have enough context. So if that's the case, you can feel free to kindly let me know. But I skimmed pretty much all of Connor’s parts (not spoiling the parts related to the actual story, just wanted to learn about Miguel), and I needed to get my initial thoughts out.

From what little I've seen, it seems like folks in the fandom absolutely love Miguel. (A quick search on here makes that extremely clear). But currently my feelings are incredibly mixed.

Of course, from just a general a fan and/or character perspective, it’s wonderful that Connor had someone in his life he could turn to. Their relationship is fun, and interesting, and heartbreaking. Miguel for the most part seems like a lovely guy.

The main thing within the story itself that makes me question Miguel is when he belittles Connor for having a copy of The Little Prince. He might have meant nothing by it, it could have been a continuation of him saying that Connor was innocent, and he may have meant it positively, jokingly, and/or flirtingly(?). But, especially as Connor explicitly says he was making fun of him, it seemed like he was belittling him in a way that...really wasn't kind? Especially considering that Connor absolutely loves books, that’s a red flag for me. A friend who puts down the things you love, even in a joke...isn't truly a friend. I honestly thought Connor was going to describe how their relationship started to slowly decline from there, so I was rather shocked when next thing I know they’re woohooing. And that red flag moment never seems to be addressed. Why was that in there if Miguel was supposed to be a purely positive influence?

The other thing is him not saying anything when Connor took the fall for the weed. This isn’t too bad of an offense, but the fact that it sent Connor to rehab—and thus it drastically altered his life—and Miguel doesn’t seem to feel bad at all is questionable for me. Again, not too bad, but makes me give the side eye. (Though I might have missed something in my skimming).

But, more than anything…I currently honestly don’t think Miguel was a good addition specifically from a writing perspective.

I’m a writer and always look at things at least in some capacity from a writing perspective. If I’m looking at this from a purely fan standpoint, yes, of course we want Connor to be happy. This is something I could totally see being a cute fic where someone ships him with their OC and gives him some happiness.

But looking at it from a writers perspective, it doesn’t seem to improve the overall story.

One of the things that makes this story so beautiful to me is that Connor and Evan were in pretty much the exact same place mentally. They both didn’t have any friends, struggled with mental illness, with their relationships with their parents, their overall loneliness. DEH isn’t just Evan’s story, it’s Connor’s too. Some of it fabricated and some of it real, and part of what makes it interesting as an audience member is trying to figure out what was real. Connor fell victim to the loneliness in his head, and Evan almost did but ultimately made it out. Evan’s fabricated friendship is meant to go both ways. Both Evan and Connor didn’t have friends, and the true sadness is that they could have been friends if they realized they were such kindred spirits. Evan’s lie actually could have been real. They both would have wanted it.

Connor actually having a secret best friend, diminishes the power of the story at large so much for me. Because now Evan’s lie is just that. There’s no beautiful tragedy where they were both lonely and both would have wanted this friendship to be real. Connor already had a friend (more than a friend) and Evan was...kinda just a nuisance to him.

Connor's suicide wasn’t coming from the same place Evan’s attempt was—which, again, them both attempting suicide for similar reasons is something I always found beautifully tragic in the story. And Evan admitting that is, if not the climax, a climax. But...Connor wasn’t lonely over the summer just like Evan, he was lonely because he lost his boyfriend. He wasn’t struggling with his first day in the same way Evan was, feeling invisible, and succumbing to it. It seems like he was mainly missing his boyfriend, and that’s what he succumbed to. While definitely a valid reason to feel the way Connor felt, it removes beautifully tragic mirroring between him and Evan and weakens the greater narrative to me.

I was so excited when I learned that ghost-Connor would be narrating parts of the book. I loved getting to know him more, and I absolutely adored getting to hear his perspective on events that we don’t get to hear in any other version of the story. Within what's fake and what's real, Connor gets to tell us what's real, beyond what we imagined. That first chapter from Connor's POV where he wakes up dead is probably my favorite chapter in the whole book so far. I would have loved so much if ghost-Connor started talking about how he really wished he and Evan were friends. That we now get both sides of the tragedy where we never did before: here Evan is lying they they were friends, but genuinely desiring that, and here Connor is going “…I wish this were true too.” (I mean he sorta does say that but not to the extent I was thinking. It’s kinda an offhand “huh I guess that would have been interesting. Anyway back to Miguel.”).

But…like halfway through the book it’s no longer about Connor’s perspective on the story, it’s not about the mirroring, and the greater themes of the story—or honestly even just the story we know—we just get to hear about his adventures with his secret boyfriend. Don’t get me wrong, they are interesting to read about. Like I said before, I feel like this would be a delightful fanfic. But I don’t feel like it adds a lot to the story at large, and honestly seems to detract from it.

Like I said, this is my initial skimthrough. My feelings could change later, especially when i have more context. But I honestly needed to vent. And I’d love to hear people’s thoughtful discussion on the issue, as I think it might give me a better perspective as I go through and read those parts again.

#dear evan hansen #DEH #dear Evan Hansen book #DEH book #deh connor #deh evan #DEH meta

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thesappiestnap · 3 years

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high techno!?? high cuddly techno hugs?? techno is a radiator ple ase philza has a Special garden in his basement

djdidkdjdidjdjdjnd ily "anon" so take my brain dump as a gift, like a slimey goop plopped directly into your hands <3

also i'm writing techno as a beefy human shifter cause 😎

---

techno didn't care much when phil started his "special" garden, he thought it was kinda funny, more than anything. plus, it was small, phil had told him it was more for the memories of his younger years, but suggested it for any pain he might have. and phil had stopped complaining about his achy shoulder since he started smoking the herbs. and, well, techno had been having the occasional migraine ever since that anvil got dropped on him, even if the totem had saved him.

so now techno was sitting on the floor of his house, staring at steve with a foggy mind. phil hadn't been joking when he said getting high was a new experience. where'd phil go? off flirting with death. no, really, he had wandered out for a little bit to go talk to his wife, although techno didn't quite understand what that meant still. that's fine though, steve was laying in front of him, and he was very soft and warm, so nothing else really mattered. and it was so quiet. the voices were quiet, only the occasional word or phrase slipping into his consciousness. it was nice.

meanwhile, you were out in the snow, freezing from the little flurry that was now sticking to your clothes. maybe you should've asked techno through the comms to do the trade closer to the warmer climate, since you didn't exactly have the clothes meant for this weather. but nooo, you didn't want to bother him to come all the way out. now you were paying for it, as your jacket did next to nothing against the cold breeze. for the love of dreamxd, you hoped techno would actually be willing to trade.

finally, you arrived to the cottage, gently knocking on the door with stiff knuckles. you heard the "HEH?" called out at the same moment you noticed a slight strange smell. you let him know that it's you, hearing no response. that seemed unusual. you call his name again, getting another "HEH?" in reply. you ask if you can come in and he just answers with an "i guess".

the room is still slightly smokey, and as you look at the pink-haired man half-draped over the polar bear, his eyes slightly reddened and unfocused as he looks at you, you understand.

"what're you doin' here?" he asks you, sitting up a little, his legs shifting from splayed out to crisscrossed.

"uh.... i wanted to do a trade, but i guess it's a, uh... bad time?"

"oh. yeah, phil gave me drugs, i blame him. kinda cool though, real quiet in the head," he asentuates his point with a tap on his temple.

"ah." well. this was a bit awkward now. but you also didn't want to trek all the way back out just yet. even thinking about it, you shivered, crossing your arms over your chest.

"you look like a chihuahua, shakin' there like that. close the door. you should've brought a better coat," he says, sighing as he gives up appearances in front of you and sinks backwards into steve's fur again, earning a soft grunt.

"didn't have one. not all of us live in the middle of snowy tundras, you know," you quipped back, making sure to sound grumpy even though you gratefully shut the door to block out the wind, coming further inside towards the fireplace.

"i suppose, but i'm the one with a polar bear, so i win," techno mumbled, sinking down a little, letting his legs untangle to steady himself in his position.

you hummed softly in agreement, standing closer to the fire, squatting down to hold your hands in front of it. there were some questions, but you decided they didn't need to be answered right now, especially since you techno may not give you a serious answer in the best of times.

glancing over at him, your eyes wandered over his tangled hair, loose for once from its braid and draping around his shoulders like a cape. his glasses were slightly skewed on his nose, his shirt slightly undone at the top. it was certainly a difference to the put together image he typically maintained. his eyes were closed, and he looked so peaceful, a little younger than the battleworn warrior he usually was. and he looked so warm. his thick torso and beefy arms, they looked like they could hug you so tight...

a little lost in your thoughts, you didnt realize for a moment that one of his eyes had opened, and he was now looking back at you questioningly.

"can i hug you?" blurted from your lips before you could stop them. your face heated up slightly as you stammered out, "you- you look warm and it was just really cold out there so it might help warm me up. sorry, that's weird, isn't it?"

techno stared at you, as if debating what to say, for a long moment before a slow, "suuurrreee...." finally came.

you scooted over beside him, hesitantly finding your arms around his torso while he held his arms up like he didn't know what to do with them. as you cuddled closer to him, he slowly and carefully put his arms down, awkwardly placing one against your back, the other going to sit in his lap until he realized how cold your skin really was, and then his hand was on your arm as he chastised you again about your ill preparation for the weather.

but you were just thinking about how right you were about his warmth, and how much better it was than you even thought. unconsciously, you were sinking further into his chest, reveling in how firm yet still soft he felt. and after a few minutes of the fire crackling and steve snoring softly, you could feel him relax slowly as well. you were certainly warming up faster, and your eyelids began to feel heavy....

when phil returned, he found you and techno both fast asleep on the floor, half-laying on steve, curled into each other in a happy little cuddle. he couldn't help but smile happily, and maybe he took a quick picture to show ranboo later before closing the door gently behind him. he could already tell his crowd were going to rat him out on the picture, but he didn't mind much, as he put a copy of it on his wall.

#technoblade imagine #murder pig tag

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openheartthot · 4 years

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Sick Day

Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x f!MC (Camille Prescott)

Word Count: 1,635

Warnings: This might be hard to read if you’ve been having trouble with a certain pandemic ~ahem~ so be warned there is a virus involved here. Also like one curse word.

Summary: Ethan can’t stay away when Camille comes down with the flu.

Y’all were so sweet with my first story that I’m back with another one today. Thanks to everyone that read and enjoyed, it really means a lot! :)

***

His knock echoes in the empty hallway, and Ethan shifts uncomfortably. He can’t just stand outside her apartment all day. At some point, he’s going to have to accept that she’s not answering the door. Still, he can’t help himself from raising his fist to the door and rapping his knuckles against the wood once more.

The knock is a bit harder than he means for it to be, a sign of his desperation. He needs to see her, needs to know that she’s okay. Until he can see her with his own eyes, every minute that he’s left standing out in the hallway is torture.

Finally, as Ethan is reaching for his phone to call Sienna Trinh and demand her assistance, the door slowly swings open. He lets out a sigh of relief when he sees Camille standing in the doorway.

“Ethan?” Camille’s voice is raspy, and she wraps her arms around herself, shivering despite the oversized UPenn crew neck she’s wearing. Besides the sweatshirt, all she has on are a ridiculous pair of over-the-knee pink wool socks. As outrageous as the socks may be, Ethan’s mouth goes just a little bit dry at the sight of her bare thighs. “What are you doing here?” Camille asks, her confused tone wrenching Ethan’s attention away from her legs.

“Erm…I just thought I’d deliver these to you.” Ethan says, brusquely thrusting a thick stack of patient charts into her arms. The excuse sounds flimsy even as it leaves his mouth. “I heard you called in sick, so--”

“So you left Edenbrook to come give me my patient charts?” Camille interrupts, bemused. “You know we have digital copies of these, right?”

“Of course.” The silence between them stretches out for just long enough to become awkward. Ethan knows she’s waiting on a real explanation, and furthermore, he knows he owes her one. “I was…concerned. When Baz told me you wouldn’t be in, all I could think about was if you’d been hurt…or…” He swallows hard. “Why didn’t you call me?”

“Ethan,” Camille reaches out and takes his hand. Ethan notes the heat emanating from her skin. “It’s just a virus. And we still haven’t had a chance to talk over everything yet. The last thing I wanted to do was drag you away from work to take care of me.”

It’s true. They still haven’t spoken about the kiss outside of Ethan’s apartment, or the kiss at Mass Kenmore, for that matter. Ethan’s so buried in his thoughts that he almost doesn’t notice Camille swaying slightly, letting go of his hand to grip the door frame for balance.

He immediately steps closer, steadying her with a hand on her waist. The back of his other hand, he uses to press delicately against her forehead. He had been expecting fever, but he’s mildly alarmed by the heat radiating from her skin.

“Sorry,” Camille mumbles, leaning into him gratefully. “I’ve just been having some vertigo. Could be a symptom of--”

“The common cold. Or influenza. Type A has been going around this year.” Ethan interjects. “And don’t apologize for being sick.”

“I know what the flu is.” Camille says indignantly. “I should’ve known you’d try to one-up me when I’m on my deathbed.” she pouts, the congestion in her voice bolstering her self-pitying tone. Ethan’s lips twitch into a smile.

“You’re delirious. Can I take you to bed?” He instantly regrets his choice of words as Camille lets out a loud peal of laughter, which quickly tapers off into a coughing fit. “I meant, you need to lie down.” He glares at her, and she grins back.

“Fine, you’re right.” Camille turns, starting to pull away from him and take an unsteady step in the direction of her bedroom. She doesn’t get very far before Ethan tugs her back to him, cradling her face in his large hands.

“Let me take care of you.” he says, gently stroking her cheekbone. “Please.” Ethan knows her roommates are all working double shifts, and he can’t bear to leave her here alone. He’s certain his feelings are written all over his face because Camille’s eyes soften immediately.

Before she can say anything, Ethan leans down and scoops her up with ease. He carries her bridal-style into her bedroom and lays her down in her bed, trying very very hard not to think about what happened the first time he saw the inside of this room. Or the second time, for that matter. The sight of her bare ass is not something he’s likely to forget.

Once she’s safely tucked into her bed, Ethan moves for the door, bracing himself to take stock of her kitchen. Camille and her roommates don’t seem very domestic, but hopefully they’ll have enough ingredients for soup. Camille’s hand reaches out and closes around his wrist before he can reach the door.

“Stay.” Her eyes are slitted, her hand hot on his arm, but he can’t say no to her.

He kicks off his shoes and unknots his tie, sitting on the bed beside her. He hesitates for only a moment before drawing her towards him and wrapping an arm snugly around her waist. He runs one hand over her tousled blonde locks, and Camille lets out a little sigh, resting her head on his chest and closing her eyes.

The afternoon has bled into evening by the time Camille wakes up, and by then Ethan has relocated to the couch. He’s slowly combing through the stack of patient files he brought with him. He pulls off his glasses and looks up as Camille shuffles out of the bathroom. She’s obviously just gotten out of the shower, because her wet hair is tossed up in a messy bun, but she’s wearing the same outfit from before.

“I made soup.” Ethan offers, gesturing towards the kitchen. Camille rubs her eyes, and despite her bleary eyes and rumpled appearance, his heart melts at her shy smile.

“Thanks. You didn’t have to do that.” She reappears from the kitchen a few moments later, holding a bowl of soup in her hands. She takes a few steps closer to him, eyeing the chart in his hands. “Read it out loud.” she insists, settling onto the couch next to him and tucking her legs underneath her.

“This is the case we’re working on right now.” Ethan says. “It’s Gwyneth Monroe’s assistant, actually. She had her first seizure last week, and a physical exam revealed multiple muscular cysts. Gwyneth requested our team immediately.” Ethan fights hard not to roll his eyes. As much as he dislikes the obnoxious Pictagram influencer, her assistant does need medical attention.

Camille swallows a spoonful of soup, then taps the spoon against her lips. “Well, it’s gotta be Cysticercosis, right? Cysts caused by tapeworm eggs. If the larvae have traveled to her brain, that’d explain the seizures. Not to mention that it’s pretty obvious where the eggs came from.”

Ethan nods, marking down a few notes on the chart. “Exactly what I was thinking, Rookie. Good work. We can start her on anti-parasitics and anti-inflammatories first thing in the morning.”

Camille grimaces, setting her half-empty bowl of soup to the side. “All this talk of larvae and eggs kinda makes me lose my appetite.”

Ethan chuckles, and sets the stack of files down on the coffee table as well. “That’s probably enough work for tonight. You need to focus on getting better as soon as possible. Come here.” He opens his arms for her, and Camille gratefully shifts closer to him, letting him fold her into his comforting embrace. Holding her is so nice that he doesn’t even mind her wet hair dripping all over his shirt.

Ethan swings his legs onto the couch, stretching out so Camille can maneuver herself to lie on top of him. Ethan has to admit, those ridiculous socks certainly feel nice as Camille tangles her legs with his, settling on top of him so every part of her body is flush against his. He strokes the strip of skin just above the hem of her right sock, and smiles as he feels her smooth skin break out in goosebumps.

“Thank you for taking care of me today.” Camille whispers against his chest. “I know we still need to talk, but--”

“Shh.” Ethan commands softly, tilting her chin up so he can meet her eyes. “I’ll always take care of you.” A slight shiver runs through Camille’s body, and Ethan suddenly realizes how close he is to her. Without thinking, he closes the gap between them, pressing his lips to hers.

“Ethan!” Camille protests weakly, pulling back after a kiss that is entirely too short for Ethan’s liking. “You’ll get sick.” she scolds him.

Ethan grunts. “I don’t care.” He grips her chin in his fingers, returning her lips to his. Her warm fingers reach up to touch his face, skating over his beard as she kisses him back. Even with the dry heat of her fevered skin and the taste of cherry cough drops on her tongue, she’s still the best thing he’s ever tasted.

He thinks he could probably keep kissing her forever, but eventually she breaks away to cough, which for some reason he finds endearing rather than disgusting. He presses a soft kiss to her forehead, and she nestles her head into the crook of his neck, clearly intending to fall asleep again right there on top of him.

“I’ll take care of you,” Camille promises sleepily, “when you inevitably get sick from this.” And that’s when Ethan realizes that he really must be in over his head. Because if falling ill means he’ll get to spend another day curled up in bed with Camille, then he can’t think of a single thing he’d like to do more.

***

My taglist consisting of one lovely individual: @edgiestwinter

#open heart #oph #open heart fanfiction #ethan ramsey #ethan ramsey x mc #ethan x mc #playchoices

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queenofallwitches · 3 years

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an update and primer:

so the last winter was weird. I had a complete breakdown, went into psychiatric hospital for 40 days in total. two seperate times.

learnt a heap of new things, met a tonne of cool people and had amazing conversations and few fights but overcome my own demons by that.

brain speaking-I have a scarred brain stem and neurological disorder is not a mental diagnosis, but a neurological disorder, proven by MRI scan, ADHD.

also damage to my basal ganglia, and prefrontal cortex.

neurological diagnosis means ADHD is not a "mental" health issue, as some believe, rather a neurodevelopment disorder caused by structural differences in the ADHD brain.

other neurodevelopment disorders include: Tourettes, Autism, Cerebal Palsy, Dyslexia and other Motor and Intellectual Disabilities. (Which recieve, in my view, a lot of insight, media information and stigma reduction by the advocacy networks surrounding these types of disability).

Over the last few years Autism has been over everything, I've seen mainstream media cover Tourettes and yet ADHD is still HUGELY misunderstood, misconceived and misrepresented in media, be in from the angle of documentaries, personal insight of a "typical" case, films, tv, and other media.

one of the first things my dr told me was "in females it rarely presents as hyperactive red-cordial OD child"

which is what my mother BELIEVES, that is because I have an adopted cousin with the ADHD dx who was that growing up, but the representation I'm told is also divergent for women with a higher IQ score than the average IQ. I come in around 142 and tested 123 at age 3 when I was unable to focus, pay attention and had severe trauma. I tested 142 in grade 8.

I'll share my experience as a female who is intellectually gifted, with higher IQ than average, and an adhd brain:

I've been told gifted and talented "genius" children are harder to diagnose because the symptoms present differently, we hide it better (camouflage) and our focusing can be "faked" by mediocre efforts of academic success.. this is true, I would do the assignment the Sunday night hours deadline, last minute, or have my parents half do it for me, plagiarise it (fuck I've killed my whole academic career now) copied but changed my words

from old 1970s encyclopaedias I KNEW they couldn't cross reference (I went through 15 years of school never studying doing homework or assignments and still had top grades).

I literally did not listen, and spent my classes planning the end of the world survival strategies with my GT friend who, basically helped me with my calculus and hard fucking maths, which was the ONLY 50 minutes of the day I put attention into my work.

now I'm going to be heading back to full-time study in the coming months, I get anxious as the pressure of a Bachelor level degree, and the pressure it takes me to perform, is enough to break me down. I've been advised it might be wise to start light (like a basic vet style diploma) and then build up, which is logical, but I keep thinking I'm meant to be doing my thesis by now. which is the kind of pressure one gets as a kid who is told repeatedly, "your intelligence is exceedingly the average and you can do ANYTHING you want"

I wanted to be an astronaut, a storm chaser, and an architect, a town planner and then a journalist. I always held to being a "FBI agent" or spy (I wonder why). so when I found psychology is really a blend of all these things, I kinda found a niche in a psych and social science double degree. but I'm thinking my academic career is LIFELONG, and due to the fact I also want to work in my field alongside my many written thesis coming, I'll be in academics for a long time. I may fail a few things, which I have to come to terms with. I do not fail easily, or readily, but I'm a perfectionist type-a academic who will put my whole life on the line to achieve "merit". I get exams, I get assessments, I read journals super-easy, I talk the talk and walk the walk so well psychologists who are at masters level compliment me on my "knowledge".

when it comes to mental health and trauma, I will always have the personal attachment, called lived experience, which will make failure and burnout, 100 percent realistic. I have to boundary up, bootstraps on, and prepare that yes, my personal "bias" will probably be entwined in this.

which is why I'm looking at the social science for the statistics and thesis writing side of things, and the counselling for the trained therapist side. either way, the degree of counselling requires so much self-insight, and then the social-science will back me away from personifying it. the other choice is criminology, which leads to forensic psychology, which is eternally fascinating. my main concern is the pro-pedophile content Ill be up against, which will look at the anatomy of a shoplifter akin to the devil, and leave the pedophile in the DSM-5 dx "paraphilia" box.

I'm not joining or jumping to anything.

either way I've got 2 year of credit, a heap of pathways and a lot of "academic momentum" from all my life being aimed to be "academic powerhouse". I went through my files and found a lot of awards I'd won in my high school, and top place in the competitions we would be entering in. I remember feeling so sad if I had a "credit" vs a distinction or high distinction, only to see now, a credit in university maths in year 9 is a skillset I don't have anymore so, good on me. or a credit in English, or Science at that age was pretty impressive, considering these tests were random and not studied for.

just a general skills assessment only the top 30 kids in the year were to take on a year by year basis and put out to vet from the top universities and taken by other kids in the same grade around the state.

it puts so much focus on my intelligence, because it's primed to be that way, I know that is true. I know I feel good being academically successful and it gives me a feeling of "achievement" but is it really for me?

I also found 2 letters from my local politicians offering me job placement, work experience and I was 1/4 kids in my 10th grade graduation tom get the letter, and due to my behaviour I pissed ALL the idiots who bullied me off. I was "too pretty to be a nerd" "too smart to be pOpUlAr".

so I made a group of misfits, who are all highly intelligent, creative and my group had the ONLY gay male in the school AND THIS IS BEFORE YOU FUCKING RETARDS MADE IT "COOL". he was bullied badly, so fuck you, you fucks claim "liberalism" but I bet you were the type of idiot who bullied guys like him in high school while you pretended to like my chemical romance and fake cut yourselves. I hate you all, forever.

my grade was full of idiots who were fake emo, who left the scene the moment the scene changed to dub-step and club music. I was there, watching you all, like sonny Moore, went from FFTL to that dubstep skrillex shit he started in 2009.

I dated you, hooked up with you and I went to your gigs. I know who was real and who was fake. I met some of you years later and realised the more emotive ones were the less "alternative appearing".

I can say 1/10000 emo guys from the 00s were genuinely Into the music and scene for the right reasons based on my dating history and this can and will be analysed statistically using SPSS one day to prove a lot. I've had too many relationships from each sub-culture and I have had 4-11 males at a time per public "output" of my energy pursue me over life.

I'm not being cocky when I say I have a long line of "suitors" and its banked back about 50 men. it's been a thing I've avoided as it seems to grow based on my body shape, attitude, appearance, so I am currently out of touch with dating scenes, no interest to try that ANYWAY, given the fact that I have had so many LONG TERM relationships ANYWAY. I can't see another one going well, and at this case, I'm living with an ex but we never went on conventional and now our families label this 3 things: "asexual", "polyamorous" and "open relationship". I'm also "bisexual" but this all to humans outside, looks ridiculous on paper. (wild orgies and lots of swinging or some stupid sex magick probably is what J brother literally thinks we do).

bc humans are intrinsically designed to need to label things they don't understand. we share a lease, not a relationship, and fucking polyamorous, I WISH. there are no girl-girl-guy 3 some, or orgies, or sex magic parties.

this has changed the attitude and perception of this "relation' which Is non-romantic, non-sexual. he can date and likely, will, as can I , and I likely won't date.

I would say 14/15 have had ADHD, or other mental illness and or trauma. which means to me, nothing at all.

I think this "open book" non romantic relationship style of "friends and roommates" not sexual.

attachment is misunderstood by others but works well fro my adhd, meaning I'm not expected to marry, or be a wife in any capacity. he is free to do what he wants, as I am, and open communication is a novel frontier I brought into this in the start, and stayed with for the duration. we fight, but I fight with a lot of people in my life over many petty things. also down to my adhd, I believe, I have rejection sensitive dysphoria, which makes me hypersensitive to rejection, perceived or real.

im not sure if this is trauma or adhd or both. but

I have used sexuality as a weapon in many relationships but it cannot or will not be used here, so I have had to resort to uncovering parts of myself which I never knew, which will stay with me even if he decided to marry and wife up in 5 years, which I'm okay and expecting him to do, and I would much rather that then be trapped in a situation where I cannot be that "wife/mother archetype" as I'm too "femme fatal/other-woman/sex-laced seductress and siren" a "FWB, unicorn, drug buddy, hook-up where im a therapist" or "intellectual and cognitive mind-bender work-study obsessed woman".

both at once and many types of human, including one who is a full-time ceremonial magician of 7 years. I will drink, drug, fuck, fight like males and still be more feminine and high maintenance than 89% of women. I grew up a tomboy and don't mind getting into fun, adventure based situations, like hiking, or anything adrenaline, I would only be reluctant to eat weird shit.

I also have many "neurological" issues including ADHD, and trauma which causes a rupture in the average human and I dating.

I'll tell you how many men have said "you are the unicorn" and then realised what that means, I went as far as canvasing the PUA world back in 2014 after reading the game, a book on PUA, which is essentially, pick up artistry, based on NLP and hypnosis. I did this after reading the copy my ex in 2008 handed me before we dated saying "I gave this up for you". it took me years to open the book, buy when I did I truly believed the only way I would fall in love again, was through PUA. that failed in so many ways but gave me a training foundation for men who were candidates for that, I have trained up J, and the way that sounds is BAD. I know, but I got a lot of value myself, I just don't see it how I wanted to see it.

but that was my original intent, and I achieved this he knows that, knew it was happening and evolved for the best self.

I am thinking we can modulate this into a business model for how I was operating in the BDSM world was mainly psychological, not physical.

I get told all of is incredibly intimidating (I am told) to women and men.

I don't really care anymore, because people have always seen this part of me in the wrong way ANYWAY, but I own who I am NOW. which is what I needed ANYWAY. so it cannot be stolen again, and sexual healing has come from abstinence ironically.

I also don't care what or who is trying to tear up my relations, toxic or not toxic, all people around me will be on a healing journey by default, or cut out of my life, for I am radiating that energy so brightly its impossible NOT to feel that pull.

I will drag your shadows into the light, and make your secrets spin from your lips into my consciousness. its not what I do but its what is design.

I make your weaknesses mountains to climb over. you cannot hide from these in my presence, I won't be this controlling or obsessive female who wants 24-7 attention as I have a life full of meaning without love or sex. I don't want to be wined, dined or expensively gifted, unless specially requested.

I don't want love letters or romantic declarations, this isn't some femnazi bullshit, but it triggers me. I appreciate the efforts and won't make you feel bad about your insecurities, for mine are probably 30 x more pronounced.

I appreciate small things, that most males won't or don't know how to do. like remembering things I've said and being thoughtful. or knowing my silence isn't personal, or a game, but a protective wall. I've had songs sung too me, guitars played, songs written, or things made in ways that are heartfelt. but I've always had them used against me too. so it is the context. I value time, energy, conversations of depth and reciprocal exchange. I also value trauma understanding, my alters and fragments being accepted and valued as me as a whole and a person who is not afraid, or scared of stupid stuff like sensitivity, emotions, feelings as raw as my own. men feel intensely too, lol.

but will only give oral sex 100 times before I don't recieve it, I can communicate now so that wouldn't happen.

but I won't be a bitch about this stuff. I am extremely feminine and care in ways other people, do not, I forget nothing people tell me, so it can be a reward or reverse uno card pull in a fight, but I am not evil or deviant in my relations. I react, depending on how you treat me. I don't need your money, or providing source of income to be okay as I am my own queen, however sharing resources is okay to build something. I don't need to be seduced, but will need to be shown a person is trustworthy.

few cross that.

that will always be time-endurance and testing. there are ground rules I don't play with, or play games. or like being forced or forged into something I'm not. I know abusive and I know safe, and I am a psychology expert, trained psychotherapist and study humans for fun, so I'll always be analysing things.

and I know red flags and I know ego, I know how to placate and please and pleasure, but will only do so, for a bigger and better reason than the mere act of seduction. which is without value and transactional to someone like me, I won't lie.

and I know every tactic in the book, for the book was written by someone like me, many lives ago, and my karma is being burnt for that book.

in terms of walls, I have many, may it be called a maze. or labrnyth.

I will teach you things you never thought you'd know, and change your life in ways you won't ever be able to go back to before. I will blow your mind, sexually, emotionally, intellectually, on all levels, and I'll make your friends and family love me.

I'll bring your walls down and you won't be able to understand this, because you don't understand me, and thats ok.

but I'll always understanding you and make your life better because thats what I do anyway, and people talk to me about things I will never share, as I keep secrets. I am jealous, of everything but, only because I am attached in a disorganised way, and working on that.(I won't even mention how man women or men don't know basic psychology of themselves). I also am a therapist , for my friends and family too.i should not be , but I am. I care, I listen, If you think I'm not listening, I'm still listening. sometimes I interrupt, because I have ADHD and I am horrible at resolute planning, or being "normal". but I don't want to be normal anyway. I need you to recognise and understand my shit, for that is what I do for everyone in my life, and I have helped more than I receive.

I'll probably accidentally give you therapy, but thats fine, because you will uncover your depths and find meaning in this. it's not something that goes bad unless you are fundamentally, evil, even the most abusive relationship I was in, was benefited from this process. yes he's still narcissistic, but he is self-aware. and did I benefit, never, just know the anatomy of self-proclaimed narc and I still can't hate him. will get my civil claim one day.

I will fuck your mind without meaning too. but thats because I fuck my own mind. but the meaning is made in the man- some find this highly offensive or personal (its not). I fuck minds by my own overthinking, or over perception on many levels of reality. so join the ride, or don't come along at all. because once the rollercoaster is in motion, I have no control of what may or may not happen. it's purely experimental.

I am experimental.

and the women who are judging me, are not any better.

look within, and shut the fuck up. self-improve and quit this jealous divide and conquer bitchiness. I HATE gossip, bitches, snitches and fakers.

I look to other women who are intellectually, physically and spiritually "individual". and find value in superior status to my own, which is something my narcissistic ex taught me.

I look for mentors, and teachers and people who will teach me how to improve myself, which I am fearful to reconnect after something is amazing and I can't give anything back of positive value. I am sorry I am working on that.

I won't devalue those below me, but I also need to be mutually benefiting from a relationship.

I dont drag people down, I may disappear if I feel I am doing this by mistake. I am flakey as fuck, and sorry for that. its anxiety and lack of perfectionism, so I am wrong and bad for this. I can change. will change.

if you can find value with my relation, personal professional or romantic, we can move into a symbiotic beneficial agreement based on mutual "terms". but many won't or cannot see this, nor do I impose my bullshit into the lives of randoms at this age.

I don't care if this is cruel, it's real.

I value loyalty, compassion, self-insight/awareness, someone who understands all parts-spirituality, metaphysics while still having intellectual & logical & analytical brain-sight.

I enjoy music, magick and learning new things.

I do not care about appearances I dont think ive dated based on one time. I do value connections and chemistry which is far-few between, I hate fakers. I smell insincerity miles away. but I do respect women who are well-presented, or beautiful, with hair beauty and makeup, I can't do this shit well, so I look up to those who are in professions who do it like art. I find them to be genius level queens who scare me.

I call out bad behaviour and make people uncomfortable if they are repressed. I will change you without even meaning too, I don't even need to date you. its just my presence, over time, amplified by the intensity of the dynamics.

I don't want simplicity, but I also don't need over complexity.

I value passion, independence, creativity, curiosity, problem-solving, deep-disscussions, shared adventures and some occasional risk-taking (lol), sensuality and sexuality for a common cause beyond physical pleasure. I like being taught but not micromanaged. I need my own independence, and need to be trusted with that. I hate being scolded for that like a child, or being pushed to change my ways to conform to societal values. which I will push back and refuse to do. which is not healthy. I don't adult like many others do, but I try to proceed in other ways. and learn to adult like normal people, accept me.

I also value myself, and how I can be celebrated, enhanced and improved vs. the opposite.

I give space, and have boundaries, and understand human psychology, sexuality and relationships in ways few others unless they are trained, can do.

I value MY time. so you can have space to value YOURS. I dont need to be in anyones pocket for a long time. I love being alone, and being around people who are stimulating, but draining people will be drained out of my life quicker than I intend. I am sorry for the people who felt I disappeared, when I was only trying to be 'fair', if I feel I'm a bad influence, I will work on myself until I'm not. I'm still working on it.

I also use this psychology awareness, to enhance communication, connection. you may or may not become an accidental guinea pig. I will be upfront that I am experimental, but that is part of the buy ticket and take the ride. lets work together. not apart.

I am coming from a place of love, and love is what I feel for my animals, which you will be adopting as children.which I want to stop experiments being done on. I love love, in all ways, but hate cruelty of animals and children, violence and suffering. I dont advocate justice, because I find life is fucking cruel, unfair and unjust. by default, so I focus on myself. what can be changed, and what I am able to do in my own locus on control. I will always find myself drawn to the outsiders, the misfits, the vagabonds, the misunderstood. I want to help people who are society, or socially, disadvantaged by trauma and mental illness, but only when I have ability to help myself.

it's a journey.

I will not date anyone who is cruel to animals, outside of specify magical sacrifice, there is not any place for that. nor will I date or fraternise with anything or anyone linked or associated with pedophilia. I won't judge anyone on anything that are outside animal cruelty and pedophilia. I don't and haven't. I keep on good terms with every ex, bar 1 whom I only apologised too this year. it felt good to do that. I change my behaviour.

I am open, but also highly attuned to both logical, factual, empirical , scientific worlds, and spiritual, intuitive, psychic and the "collective unconscious". I walk in both these realms, and I am "conventionally attractive". which puts a lot of pressure on me, to be "stupid". I am always dumbing myself down to fit into normality, but I look ridiculous if I do that so I peacock my intellect.

only to be misconceived.

I give up because I no longer care how anyone but MYSELF can see ME. I won't dumb myself down , but I can enhance you UP. prepare yourself for graded education, evolution and self-growth on mass scales.sorry not sorry.

that sucks for the people who want to be living vicariously through me, for making up to lost trauma years, for family who sold me out for the success I'd bring home, or fake trauma enmeshed friends, or whatever they want or need from me. I value my time and energy, and have given that in abundance, and if you want to be with nut only "one part of me that is alters". I can't provide that now. not sorry.

I have to work on something or not be in a dynamic at all.

I no longer can switch on demand to adapt for you, it will not be effective and that upsets a lot of people. especially now I'm sober. harder to handle this, as I see the world for its ways and why it is, more vividly. I haven't had alcohol for almost 2 months, although, I could drink, I haven't.

I can't do it, anymore. it, being, faking, my selves fronting to impress. I can't. I have no more left to give, and I'm expected by everyone to be a way I can't do it in the way they want.

I will go to another year long outpatient DBT, followed by 10 weeks of A-C-T therapy, and however many ECT OR TMS may or may not help. I'm told it won't (ect) work. but TMS, is something I am open too. but I am telling you, none of this psychotherapy, that will be based on dbt skills, day therapy, intensive skills training, recommencing my studying, and resuming "life worth living" will or can wipe the traumas I've "recovered" memories for.

I will also shut the fuck up, and tell nobody about this if you leave me alone, I told that to my family, and this is open letter to the watchers, stalkers and perps who read this openly as I track the hits on here and have 200+ visits a day every day for the last month. globally. no idea how or who you are but I think its the same people who called the police for the "ayreon song lyrics" seen to be a suicide not last October.

thanks for that wake up call, I have shut the fuck up, since December, more so now. I will burn the journals, or lock them up.

my recovery is not linear, not yet fully integrated and I trust nobody so I don't think my psychotherapy will be deep, I focus on things like ADHD AND my EDNOS. and dbt skills. I won't be talking about sexual traumas.

enjoy the update, and thanks for the "attention".

I have my goals, my work, my meaning and what my life should and could and will look like, but I will not share that with anyone. that means everyone right now.

I've been tested, traumatised and terrorised to the point of not-tolerant of anyone who may bring that back, and banish the fuck out of my sphere every moment I need.

take me as I am, or watch me as I go, which I will go, where I am not wanted I will remove myself, but I will find where I am celebrated because I create that.

I will rise up against all adversity every time but that is survival and that created a resilient and brave woman, in me. who will not be destroyed or decomposed by humans who are fundamentally fucking evil.

I gift you my truth, in progression, and give up the pain of the past.

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charcolor · 3 years

Text

ok. because nobody was asking about it, here's my proseka group ranking

25-ji - i am mentally ill and also i kin one of them. their covers/songs are all so good. it's also unique in a lot of ways (only group where none of the characters meet at school, only group with only 1 first year, only group with a sekai manifested from someone that isn't the leader, only group that was an established music group before their main story, etc) and i like that. and because i'm edgy i like their aesthetics, story, and characterization. there's lots of interesting and realistic scenarios with them. kanade has trauma and blames herself for her father's illness, mafuyu has ultimately been driven to suicidal depression mostly due to her overly controlling parents, ena has a severe inferiority complex because she works super hard on her art and gets no recognition or praise outside of 25ji even from her own family (kinnie moments), and mizuki has resorted to skipping school to avoid transphobic harassment from other students. these are real problems lots of people relate to, someone could even relate to all of them at once, so it makes the stories so intriguing and the characters so memorable

wxs - my gf likes this one so i have bias. i love the clowns because they're all totally autistic. i love tsukasa and emu's noises. i also like how colorful they are and i think they all have very good backstories. i'd really like emu in particular to be expanded on she definitely seems like she'd be a "my family is rich and cares more about money than my own happiness" kinda character but i might be reading too deep into it.

vbs - definitely the gayest of units. they also get the giga-p songs AND echo so huge bonus points for that. i love their styles, an in particular is my favorite character design in the whole game. their story also rules, the only thing that kinda bothers me is i think kohane should have kept her glasses. the haircut i understand, it's cool, but i don't like the trope of "character stops wearing glasses to signify Change" bitch she needs to SEE!!!!!!!!! i know she has contacts but i don't get what was wrong with the glasses :( (also i know kohane is first in the lineup but i'm not the only one who thought an was the leader at first right. like she's the one they show at the beginning of the vbs story, kohane doesn't show up til like halfway through chapter 1 and i dont think they even display her name at first. actually that kinda bothers me too)

mmj - i like them, i don't have any strong opinions. i like some of their songs but i definitely feel like the songs they cover are very inconsistent, in some cases i think they should have gone to other units (like i think patchwork staccato fits in more with 25-ji, maybe near as well). i think the concept is super interesting, 1 aspiring idol + 3 girls who quit being idols, and the story behind those 3 girls and WHY they quit being idols. the characters just don't really stand out to me though...they're not like, boring or copied from other characters or anything, they just don't super interest me. BUT i do really appreciate how their story is handled, and their subsequent event stories are realistic idol stuff like finding an agency or managing live streaming sessions, i think it's a good take on that stuff

leo/need - i think the story is very well done, and the individual characterization too, but i gotta be honest. the more i think about leo/need the more upset i am. it has everything to do with their songs. i don't generally like deco*27's style, he's very talented but his style is just not for me (but i like hibana and ghost rule). pretty much every song leo/need has other than teo, roki and hibana (though even with hibana i play with the meiko cover) is sooo boring to me to the point where i actively dread having to play through them in multilives. not to mention that ichika gets WAY more emphasis than any other group leader. off the top of my head i can think of 5 songs (hibana, teo, roki, dramaturgy, and umitetie katiyetan or whatever it's called. whatever that one is) that are just ichika and miku duets, which is way more than any other group leader. in fact the only other miku/unit member duet i can think of is hated by life itself (with kanade). ichika even gets a solo cover (night sky patrol of tomorrow) which im pretty sure literally no other unit member has (not counting another vocal versions obviously). saki, honami and shiho get NO songs of their own, or even like individual duets with ichika or miku (and luka has NOTHING. vbs and mmj let her sing with them but not the unit that she was literally assigned to!!). in the mvs for teo and roki they just play their instruments together in the background without singing. i get they're the band unit but all the characters are meant to be singers in some form, there's no reason the other members shouldnt get to sing. (and it's not like ichika herself doesnt have an instrument!! like it's not like everyone else is too busy!!) LITERALLY DURING SHIHO'S BIRTHDAY LIVE SHE DIDN'T SING AT ALL IT WAS ICHIKA AND MIKU DOING TEO. i didnt see honami's birthday but i imagine they didn't let her sing either. it just really pisses me off how they just, neglect ichika's friends way more than they would for any other unit. but yeah i just think their songs are boring

#.....i may have made this post specifically to complain about leo/need. sorry #aimee's antics #long post

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professional-benaddict · 4 years

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Sending this prompt in again as a separate ask as requested (wasn't sure if u meant to just copy & paste or not lol). ^w^ Okay so like, idk, something with bby Peter who's sick in some way, but scared of doctors, so his daddy gets a lil doctor playset (maybe with a plushie in scrubs, idk, I just love that idea, I love plushies) for them to play pretend to practice before an upcoming appt. Maybe the 'Appointment' goes well (& a lil smutty), maybe its too scary & there's h/c & aftercare, up to u.

Daddy Tony, +18 Little Peter, ageplay, DDLB, anxiety, fear of doctors, comfort, fluff, 1.1k

Peter’s annual check up is coming up, and Tony is debating on how to make it go smoother this year. Last time, Peter had been so frightened and unprepared for the visit, which Tony blamed himself for, that the doctor hadn’t been able to finish his exam properly. ‘If he’s kicking up such a fight, I’d say he is quite healthy’ the doctor had chuckled, so Peter had gotten an all clear.

But, this year, Tony has a plan. And it involves ordering stuffie sized scrubs and realistic looking medical toys. Once they arrive, Tony hides them until a few days before Peter’s appointment. Sometime after breakfast, Tony invites Peter to the living room.

“Bring along Rex or Bunny if you want.”

With both of his beloved stuffies under his arm, Peter enters the living room, and tilts his head to the side in curiosity when he sees the medical toys and tiny scrubs.

“What’s all that?”

“I thought we could play and practice together before your doctor’s appointment.” Tony suggests, but Peter isn’t pleased and turns on his heel. “Hey, hey! Pete, Pete. Listen, we’ll just play, okay? You see those scrubs? I ordered them specifically for Bunny. Shall we see if they fit?”

Reluctantly, Peter follows his Daddy to where the toys are all laid out. They look quite realistic, but they are more colourful than what Peter remembers about the real instruments at the doctor’s office last year. The otoscope had been the scariest for sure.

“Oh, look! I think Bunny would look really good with these. Shall we try?” Tony suggests, holding up the scrubs for Peter to see. Without saying anything, the boy takes the scrubs and starts dressing Bunny with them. The scrubs include a top and a pair of bottoms, and both are a sky blue. The doctor had worn similar ones back when Peter saw him, but Bunny doesn’t look scary at all. It’s just Bunny.

“Gosh! Doesn’t she look good? What do you think, Peter?” Tony tries cheerfully. Peter shrugs, but hugs Bunny tight. Tony takes it as one step in the right direction. “Bunny looks like a real doctor now, doesn’t she? Who’s her patient then?”

Looking to his left, Peter picks up Rex, his green T. Rex stuffie. He has a big mouth with big teeth, but his arms are very short. Peter thinks he looks a bit funny, but he loves him nonetheless. Dinosaurs are really cool, after all.

“Rex is the patient? Okay, how about we pretend Rex is coming to see Bunny at her office for a check up?”

“Like- me?” Peter asks quietly, and Tony nods.

“Yeah! Just like you are in a few days. Now, how does Rex feel about his appointment? Is he nervous? Excited? Maybe even scared?”

“He’s nervous.” Peter replies. “And maybe a bit scared.”

“And that’s okay. You should tell Rex that it’s okay to be nervous and scared. Doctors can seem scary, but they are just trying to help and they would never hurt you on purpose.” Tony adds, and Peter nods along slowly while looking at Rex. “Okay, so what should Bunny do then? When Rex comes into her office?”

Peter thinks for a while. What did he do when he saw the doctor? Honestly, he cannot remember much, besides the fact that he was really scared and cried a lot. Then, he felt really silly afterwards. Only babies cry, and he’s not a baby. And neither is Rex.

“Maybe say hi?”

“Yes, that’s a good place to start. Maybe even chat about the weather for a bit or talk about school. Talking about normal stuff will make him feel more relaxed. Rex can even sit on your lap while talking to the doctor.” Tony continues when Peter puts Rex on his thigh. The boy is still quiet, but he isn’t outright protesting anymore nor running away, so Tony goes on.

“Then, the appointment will start. Bunny will start off with asking some questions.”

“What kinda questions?”

“Like how Rex’s been doing lately. If he’s been ill or has other complaints and who he lives with, if he works or goes to school and such. It can seem a bit off topic, but these are things a doctor needs to know.”

“Okay.” Peter nods, looking down at Bunny who is now in Tony’s hand. “Then... what?” The boy asks, although he knows what is next, and that’s the scary parts.

“Then, Bunny will start examining Rex. She might start with taking Rex’s temperature, or listening to his chest with the stethoscope. She’ll also have a look at his eyes, ears, nose and throat.”

“I remember that.”

“You do?”

“Hmm, felt icky. With the thing in my ear. I didn’t like that.”

“Yeah, the otoscope in your ear. Is Rex scared of that part too?” Tony gets a tiny nod in response. He knows that whatever feelings Peter is telling about Rex, is just him projecting his own onto the stuffie. “Yeah, it can feel scary, but as long as you sit still, the doctor will finish real quick.”

And so they go on with each step of the exam. As an extra precaution, Tony requested that if Peter needs his blood drawn for testing, they will have to make a separate appointment. Tony doesn’t have the heart to put Peter through all that in one day, no way.

Peter is quiet throughout their acting out of the doctor’s visit, but he is honest with Tony about his fears and anxieties, at least by saying Rex has them. But, that is more than enough for Tony and he is able to reassure Peter of the whole process with the help of the stuffies and the other toys. Once they have acted out the last parts and made Bunny and Rex say goodbye, Tony pauses a bit as he sits back, watching Peter fiddle with Bunny and Rex.

“Peter, can you look at me?” The boy looks up as requested, and when Tony opens his arms indicated a hug, the boy crawls over on all fours and curls up on his Daddy’s lap. After giving Peter’s forehead a few kisses, Tony murmurs against his soft skin. “You’ll be just fine tomorrow, okay? I know you’re scared, and that’s okay, but Bunny, Rex and I will be there with you the whole time.”

Peter sighs a bit against his Daddy’s chest. It sounds like he is thinking, so Tony stays quiet for a while.

“I’m not that scared...”

“No?”

“Nu uh. Just a bit... you know?”

“Yeah, that’s okay too. Either way, let’s make a deal, hm? After your appointment, we’ll head straight to town and get some ice cream. How does that sound?”

“Two scoops?”

“You can have two scoops, and even the coffee flavour if you want.”

Peter giggles gleefully at that. Some of the weight seems to have been lifted off of his shoulders, and he feels much calmer than earlier. He’ll be a brave boy. And get two scoops of coffee ice cream.

#my prompts #little!peter #starker #tony stark x peter parker #peter parker #tony stark #ask

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disasterghaster-moved · 3 years

Text

SEPTEMBER 26th - 2013 - 3AM

PART 1 ] [ PART 2 ] [ PART 3 ]

News died down and people calmed down. Slipped under the radar like so much background noise about bombings in far off countries. I could imagine it to be like how you get used to bullets reporting off the sand and brick and hot earth after it goes on for days and weeks and years.

Tsunamis you never drown in, riots you only see as rushing masses on the screen, earthquakes you can’t comprehend, cancelled flights you’ll never be on, borders closed that you never intended to cross, and hospitals creaking under the pressure of illness that’d been packing them for months. What was some spoiled wheat when you came from the land of agricultural plenty? Nevermind that end of season harvest was recent.

And, anyway, I still had bills and to pay those I had to keep working. Natural disasters notwithstanding.

Thankfully, night shift usually meant I could relax. The current site I was working at was a warehouse facility. Took big trucks in and out all day, but shut down around the time I rolled in. Mostly I did patrols by car or foot. Since it was only what a proper northerner considers ‘chilly’ for my last patrol, I decided to walk.

All I was really looking for inside the warehouse was fires or leaks. Outside was more about checking out the parked trailers along the outer fence line. Making sure the plastic seals weren’t broken. That people weren’t climbing the fence to steal anything.

I honestly didn't expect any trouble. I heard more from the day shift about fist fights over boxes from the workers in the building than I did actual attempts at theft.

Hell, mostly I ran into lone coyotes. Or a racoon. They’re all kinda cute if you keep a distance. Sometimes I’d purposely only look at the stray rabbit from an eye corner and keep moving. They were just there for the choice, crisp, grass on this side of the fence.

Somewhere in the back, I found a hole in the fence line. Low to the ground and mostly under the fence where dirt had been dug up. Not super uncommon. Looked like an animal had dug it up. Another lone coyote lookin’ for one of those rabbits, probably. I sighed out a puff of condensed air and tucked my flashlight under my arm with the cone of light pointing at the breach.

Phone came out of my pocket and I took a flash lit photo. Put that away and took out a bit of scrap paper and a pen I kept in one of my coat pockets. Scribbling the time, 0349, and the look of the hole. I’d have to document it and let the supervisor know in the morning to have it checked out.

It also meant I’d be walking this every half hour instead of every couple hours. Thankfully, I only had three more to go.

I paid some extra attention to the trailers nearby. Checking their seals were intact and making sure the tops of the doors were adequately locked still. Scoped out the area and thought all looked well enough to move on.

Mind you, there was some unease. Might be a coyote around after all. Normally I wouldn’t think much of that. Alone, they’re not really keen to scrap with a human. Most didn’t desperately dig through a fence, either.

Thankfully, I was allowed a taser with this company so I kept it in hand in my pocket. I just couldn’t shake the feeling on the back of my neck. Cold and prickly and not from the bite in the air. Left over combat instinct or plain, embarrassing, fear of the dark mixed with primal fear of wild animals? I resolved to walk with a longer stride and dipped down the figurative hallway between two trailers. There was more light to see by coming off the warehouse at the other side as opposed to along the perimeter fence.

I nearly tripped when I came out. Ahead of me, in the dark place between trailers still in their docks, was something. Low and crouched. With two eyeballs that gave off a sheen of an amber glow. Like a coyote.

Mmm, great. Maybe it had rabies. In which case, a taser wasn’t going to do it.

I avoided shining a light on it to keep it from attacking. Instead I pulled at my radio and turned the volume down before speaking into it, quite and calm,

“Candice, you got a copy?” Relieved when that alone didn’t cause the animal to stir. Beyond a slight shift and a low rumble. A growl that sounded...pained? I didn’t get an inch closer. Rabies or not, injury was even more liable to launch at me with intent to maul if I wasn’t mindful.

“Go ahead.” She responded. Unaware of my predicament.

“We’re gunna need to call Paul and the non-emergency number for the cops, I guess?” I paused, but held the button to keep the line. “There’s a cranky, possibly rabid, coyote back he--shit!” I let the button go, my voice cracking on a high pitch, as the animal came screaming out of the dark across the pavement toward me.

By the way? Not an animal! It turned out to be bipedal! PERSON! A person was streaking toward me with a howl of rage I hadn’t heard since the desert. The only thing that kept me from getting bum rushed straight down into the ground was that time in the war. Muscle memory and understanding of how bodies work allowing me to shift into mindlessly diverting all that failing momentum into the ground under me instead. Face first with me holding an arm and pressing a knee between shoulder blades of the squirming ball of bizarre fury under me. Pinned down.

They kept hollering, but I spoke to them at an even pace despite the adrenaline threatening to make me rattle too fast with my words. “Hey! Are you okay? You can’t just hulk out in the middle of private property. I am going to have to call the cops if you don’t calm down.”

That didn’t seem to work any better than telling me not to eat a fifth slice of pizza on a Tuesday morning.

I mumbled a cuss as I worked on adjusting my hold to free up a hand enough to respond to Candice calling me over the radio with increasing concern.

“Dro? Dro, you copy?”

“Yeah, co--” I paused to let the latest howl come and go. “Copy! We’re going to need the police. It’s some person--” Growled back when the next long winded scream came. “Some person on drugs I think?”

“Copy, you need backup?”

“Nah, you can’t leave the guardhouse. Just...tell ‘em to hurry. They’re not--” I didn’t bother to take my finger off the button for the next roar. “--not real happy about all this.”

“Copy.”

I sighed and buckled down on holding them down without hurting them. Drugged out or not, this person didn’t deserve to get their ribs or wrist inadvertently broken. Or to choke if my knee got jostled out of place from all the wild writhing they were doing. I started trying to talk them down when they started whining instead of roaring.

“Sorrysorrysorry.” They sounded to be openly weeping. “Hurts, I’m sorry!” Mashing their own face into the ground where I couldn’t see them. I grimaced.

“It’s fine.” Drugs are wild. I tried to be understanding. Hard and worked up as the both of us were. Wasn’t my first run in with an intoxicated trespasser. Get out of your mind and you don’t know where you are and shit that’s a big fucking lady throwing me, around time to FIGHT. “It’s alright, hey, it’s okay. Police are comin’. With some doctors, I’m su--”

Apparently that wasn’t the right thing to say, they kicked back up into doing their damndest to trash free. My muscles were starting to burn by the time I heard the sirens rolling in close enough to hear. I was running out of breath to deal with this. They couldn’t get through the gate and around back to me fucking fast enough as far as I was concerned.

The police officer that came out of his cruiser looked the sort of troubled that my colonel had in his eyes right before he was expecting us to get blown away by an IED any second. The EMTs that came out of the ambulance were dressed to deal with something infectious. Like...face shields, multilayered plastic white clothing, and were on the person under my knee in seconds with a large syringe.

No one said anything to me as my perp went limp by the time the plunger on the shot fully depressed. I awkwardly got up and stepped away as they gave me the impression of mopping up an undesirable pile of barf. Packing themselves and their charge away into the back of their ambulance on a stretcher board before they took off.

The police officer barely even thanked me for my help and told me to have a good rest of my day before he left right behind them only to overtake them. Flipping on their lights to escort the emergency vehicle he accompanied.

Leaving me in confused and stunned silence as I caught my breath.

What?

The cop didn’t even try to get a statement. Or my name. Or even my number to ask me my statement later. I wasn’t even sure how I was going to write my report up and not sound like I didn’t do my job right without that interaction with the officer.

My brows knotted as I leaned into a brisk walk back for the guardhouse.

#tlouverse devang #nice #prt4

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hey-hamlet · 5 years

Text

BNHA AU Ideas: Don’t Praise the Almighty (Part 1)

Also on AO3

hold on to your hats everyone - this is part one. i was going to put them together, then i realised part two is 6000 words and thats just too long

TW for: implied abuse of all kinds, straight-up physical and emotional child abuse, gaslighting, all might if he was a terrible person.

TL;DR:

Things you must sacrifice to make a hero: Humanity, Empathy.

Things you must sacrifice to be a hero: Everything.

izuku wants to be a hero, imagine the first ep happens etc. yagi doesnt so much say "you can be a hero" as "ill make you a hero"

an aside: inko is an absent parent, to make ends meet and a poor way of coping with a missing Hisashi. Izuku grows up without any positive adults figures in his life.

yagi makes izuku train and train and train, the kid’s hands bleed and his legs ache but allmight makes him keep going. allmight says he's useless and pathetic and a crybaby and izuku believes him, because he's allmight

they spar and yagi just holds back enough to not let izuku get hurt too badly to train. even katsuki is disturbed bc quirkless deku is coming to school with black eyes and swollen wrists

when katsuki calls him pathetic izuku just nods

"ill get better though"

and katsuki feels so gross he doesnt try to fuck with izuku for weeks

and so izuku is so convinced this is normal because katsuki does it, and mum does it, and now allmight? thats just how you treat kids he thinks. or quirkless ones at least

hes still a big fan of allmight because he doesnt see whats wrong. hes just pathetic and useless but then he'll get a quirk and he'll be worth something for the first time in his life

he barely sleeps, barely eats, just trains and studies and trains some more. he collapses. all might stands there until izuku gets back up and makes him keep running

reasons all mights like this

he is 1, suffering from internalised quirk discrimination

2, nana's dead bc she wasn't "strong enough"

3, he thinks he can shape izuku into the perfect selfless hero, and better person than he ever was.

hes convinced this is for the greater good. hes a dick but hes so sure hes in the right here

by the time of the entrance exam izuku is,,, kinda fucked up

he passes with flying colours because he used his quirk for the first time, broke his arm, and immediately moved on to snaping finger after finger. the teachers watched on, horrified as this child mutilated himself to get points

all might smiled. because this is what he wanted.

he saves ochacco too

he gets in and allmight is pleased with him, even more pleased than the time izuku admitted he hadn't slept for 72 hours and still got a perfect score on his test

and izuku thinks this was all worth it to see his hero smile at him

izuku is in 1A

izuku actually listed that he feels less pain due to his quirk, which aizawa believes but hes still not sold on the idea of a hero that destroys themselves. he doesnt know if izuku heals better or faster, but he's sure that may broken bones cant be good

aizawa is convinced he's going to expel izuku during the quirk test. the look he sees on izuku’s face when he says he's expelling the lowest scorer makes his stomach churn

because all of the other kids look worried, nervous

izuku looks like hes going to throw up.

the kid is trembling and pale and aizawa watches as he turns to ochako, smiles brightly and says "let's do our best" while he holds back full body tremors the other kids don't see

he breaks toes and fingers and he cries but he doesn't flinch at the pain

the only time he flinches is when someone looks him in the eyes, if someone speaks too loud, and at the firecracker pops of katsuki's quirk

and aizawa feels sick

the ball toss, he just can't watch this kid break anymore, and he stops his quirk

for a second he freezes, because this kids quirk manages pain, he'll be feeling all of those broken bones, he'll obviously notice

right?

but izuku doesnt notice his missing quirk until he throws the ball. he turns around, looking sick. aizawa feels so lost when he looks at him with pure relief

"oh, you're eraserhead"

izuku tears up for the first time in that class.

"please give me back my quirk"

aizawa feels so lost he blinks, and his quirk drops with it. there is something totally wrong about the utter relief the kid feels having this horrifically damaging quirk back, and there is something bothering aizawa about it, but he doesn't know what

"dont use your quirk for the rest of this test, kid. not unless you can use it without breaking something"

izuku nods but aizawa knows the kid will just try to hide it. he takes him by the shoulder when the others have moved on

"i mean it, midoriya. no quirk, or i'll expell you on the spot"

and izuku just looks so lost

"but, i have to? i'm-"

"you didn't flinch when i took your quirk. you can feel every broken bone, can't you?"

izuku just nods, like walking with broken toes is normal, like throwing a ball with broken fingers is easy. aizawa knows it's not

he just sighs.

"no quirk. we'll work on training it after. you're ahead enough not to fail the course, go to recovery girl now. you aren't expelled"

izuku just looks hurt

aizawa shoos him away and almost misses the thin form of all might slink out from behind the wall to follow izuku

he's worried, and confused. But he can't just, abandon a field of kids

he texts hizashi bc that's just who he texts when he's panicking, and he asks him to look out for smallmight and izuku, somewhere on the way to the infirmary. so present mic turns on the first movie he finds on his computer (an english language copy of rocky) yells "ENGLISH PRACTISE TIME" and runs out the door

1C is so lost

anyway, present mic can be quiet when he tries and when he hears the sound of allmight sternly talking to a student that's crying? he tries real fucking hard

he basically catches

"you're supposed to be stronger than this, why did he make you stop?"

"he saw my bones breaking-i couldnt-"

"and so you flinched? didn't we train?"

"i didnt flinch! he made me stop!"

allmight backhands him

"dont waste it. either get better at hiding it or learn to use your quirk without breaking bones quickly or ill find another successor. one that isn't useless."

present mic hears izuku agree and cry and he feels ill. he sneaks back a little further, then loudly walks down the hall. allmight smiles at him, and he wants to punch the man

izuku smiles at him too, tears in his eyes but like he's happy to see another hero. present mic cant understand why izuku is pressed so close to a man that hurt him, like he's more afraid of present mic than allmight

he walks with them to recovery girl, chatting like he was meant to be there. hes so grateful allmight is new, because he totally has a class he's meant to be teaching right now and that would be so suspicious if he knew his schedule

he walks them all the way to the door, and he lingers. there is a touch of steel in his eyes when he tells allmight to take care because what he really means is "take care of yourself because i will not"

and hes halfway down the corridor before he freezes

why did izuku seem so comfortable with a man he shouldn't know

anyway present mic is having a quiet breakdown for 20 seconds before he sprints back to his class, pretends he never left, and panic texts aizawa

so aizawa, with a little great context, knows that that, particular, conversation wasn't as,,, unsavoury,,, as it could,,, be implied,,,

but like,,,,,, he's really lost on why izuku would know small might and he's very worried

bakugo is fuCKinG PisSed

izuku left?? and he wasn't expelled???

Any,,, unsavoury implications arent something I'm going to talk ab in this au bc it doesn't need to be worse,,, but it's very much intentional

so aizawa is having an actual moral crisis rn bc hizashi isn't a liar and he doesn't want to like, not believe when he saw. but really? the symbol of peace is terrible??? and hizashi doesn't want to believe it either. both of them as so sure they are just missing context or something

bakugo stalks up to recovery girls office after class bc wtf deku?? and he walks in to just see izuku blankly picking at new white scars

he actually perks up when katsuki enters

and there is this man standing over izuku. this man he's seen with izuku before, yelling at him, but someone izuku seems happy to be around. it's not deku’s dad, he knows that. and the guy is too blonde and tall to have literally any relation to him.

a lot of the fire in katsuki goes out when he sees how tired izuku looks, and the question he was going to yell becomes more of a mumble

"so, you have a quirk now? just like that?"

he looks up and he sees that man's hand on izuku's shoulder, curled like a claw, so tight it must hurt. but izuku doesn't flinch or shy away, he smiles softly

"i'm really lucky, huh kacchan?"

and as much as izuku looks like he believes it, katsuki has the strongest feeling that this is the worst possible thing that could have happened to his once-friend

he just leaves

and he almost runs straight into his new teacher. they lock eyes and even though katsuki doesn't know whats going on, aizawa doesn't know whats going on, they both just know something is happening

and its not good

but what can they do

hes the symbol of peace

recovery girl is 100% in denial bc she new baby toshi and he's a dork but he's a good boy

izuku gets knocked tf out by recovery girls heal and toshi carries him out of the school grounds and shes like "how cute"

honestly they get to they gate, he wakes izuku up and reminds him to run home to get in the extra cardio, and izuku does. all the way home.. not only bc yagi wanted him to, but that's a big bit but bc if he was late hed wouldn’t get dinner

so the battle trial

so aizawa is like,,, : | ab everything

so he attends the battle trial rather than take the nap he really fucking wanted

the kids come out in their costumes and something sits poorly about the way izuku positively preens at almighty compliments. so basically it goes like the show, but allmight doesnt try to stop Bakugo. aizawa doesn't have audio, but he sees what the kids see and rips the mic out of allmights hand to tell bakugo to stop

he doesnt have to, though

because izuku has already vanished from sight

bakugo looks lost, aizawa is worried, but allmight just looks smug because a second later, izuku drops from the ceiling where he swung up, and punches bakugo in the back of the head

allmight grins and it looks nasty

izuku gives bakugo a once-over to make sure hes ok, wraps his wrists, then puts him in the recovery position and scampers out of the room to ochako

aizawa is lost, because that is c l e a r l y combat training. from the back of the room, todoroki starts watching in earnest

with ochako, he grabs the bomb. they walk out of the exercise and all might congratulates them on winning and izuku looks so happy! but allmight isn't done

"young midoriya, why didn't you use your quirk?"

the only people that notice the way he pales are todoroki and aizawa

"sorry sir, i didn't want to disappoint mr aizawa"

allmight nods, and he smiles but aizawa doesnt like it

"thats ok my boy, we'll have to see about getting you some out of class quirk training, huh?"

izuku smiles. hes happy, but he looks panicked

he looks guilty about being afraid

aizawa silently tells his agency he needs the week off to investigate something personal, and they readily give him the time off

izuku mumbles happily to himself about the exercise, stilling when all might looks gazes with him. he stops, flushes, and apologises. allmight nods.

he begins again, but hes not mumbling anymore, hes speaking clearly and concisely with the other students, even though he doesnt want to talk to them, he just wants to think. but allmight says to talk clearly to everyone or to remain silent and he just wants so badly to talk about the exercise

todoroki looks between izuku and allmight and he wonders

USJ time baby

allmight uses up his time, like before

the difference is, when the nomu comes for aizawa? izuku doesnt hesitate to jump in. thats what allmight wanted. he wanted someone so selfless that "would i give my life for them" isn't even a question that would cross their mind, they would just move

izuku stalls. he's shivering and shaking, walking on broken toes but he stands between aizawa and the nomu and he smiles

shigiraki looks at izuku and doesn't see a hero in training. he sees someone like him, like his league. someone who has be stepped on and ruined and reborn

and he wants him

when he sees something he likes, he wants it. like his sensei and his quirks. shigiaki collects people like action figures to use how he likes

anyway, he sees this little 'hero' and for all his stubbornness he knows he won't get izuku today

so he does what his sensei did to him all those years ago

he shows kindness. just enough to break him

he looks izuku in the eyes and says

"hero society is so rotten they break children into weapons to fight other broken pieces. whats fair about that?"

and izuku looks stunned. he drops his smile.

"from one broken piece to another, i wont shatter you today."

kurogiri moves izuku and aizawa just outside of the usj

they cant get in, aizawa has no quirk to break through the walls and izuku is shell shocked

he takes a second to look at aizawa like his world is falling down and aizawa understands.

and then

allmight appears

and aizawa hates himself for how relieved he feels

allmight looks at izuku and izuku smiles so wide. and then he frowns

"they want to kill you"

"they aren't the first, my boy."

and izuku pauses

"they seem pretty sure they can, sir."

and allmights smile looks meaner

"what, you really think so little of this old man?"

and izuku shakes his head violently

"not at all! no, im sorry-"

allmight looks at his student and suddenly there isnt a wall anymore, blasted into tiny shards by allmight’s punch. izuku scrambles inside after him

aizawa tells him to stay outside, to stay safe. but allmight levels a glare at him that almost hurts to meet. aizawa cringes and rushes after them, cradling broken arms

the fight ends much the same, but upon seeing izuku in the way on his hand, shigiraki closes his fist

allmight doesn't miss that

and, with that the other teachers arrive. and again, present mic and aizawa wonder why izuku knows allmight small form

oh also just as a weird powerplay thing, allmight calls izuku by his first name in private while izuku calls him sir everywhere

aizawa has the worst of the injuries, but years of sleep deprivation mean he can pretty easily resist the call of sleep after recovery girls quirk. not that anyone knows that. so he hears the edges of a conversation between hero and student

he hears sobs and a slap and apologies from both parties. he hears a louder conversation on training after class to better use izuku’s quirk and aizawa decides he's going to force himself into this 'training' because he doesnt like the optics on any of this

allmights angry that the villains were fond of izuku, bc that means izuku was doing something wrong, right? and he's also angry izuku barely used his quirk, but he does kinda understand needing to be able to walk still

anyway in the training we get the joy of a creepy scene of yagi assessing the physique of a barely dressed izuku

aizawa isn't there yet and boy howdy does he feel ill when yagi walks out of the changing rooms a few minutes before izuku does

anyway so it doesn't take long for yagi and aizawa to get izuku using his quirk w/o achy breaky bones and izuku is proud, and so is aizawa

but yagi just kinda pipes in with "about time" and izukus face crumples

aizawa just says "better late than never" and izuku gives a watery smile

yagi scares enji but he just royally pisses off todoroki

bc todoroki just looks at the guy

"big strong me, what you gonna do, punch me? yeah right bastard and i'll go screaming to the press. I dont give a fuck what you think you dick of an old man!"

please izuku is totally convinced that this is just normal training, that yagi is doing his best and a teacher, is doing right by him. and shouto is just,,, he doesnt know the whole story. just knows that all might scares izuku and that all mights secretary has a connection to him

but he knows that yagi was creepy enough to make his old man have bad vibes and thats an achievement

Enji sat, reigning back a snarl as the green boy threw Shouto -his Shouto- from the ring, to land on his back in a graceless cloud of dust. Beside him, All Might’s secretary grinned. It wasn’t a nice grin, like the hero, but a nasty crawling one that made Enji feel cold even with his flames dancing around his face.

Enji had never liked the man, his instincts telling him there was something horrifically off about him. But the number one hero had resources he couldn’t dream of, so he kept his lips shut.

“Well done, my boy.”

There was no familial resemblance between the skeletal man beside him, and the boy who stood both victorious and broken where his son should have been. No resemblance to the hulking oaf of a hero either. But their quirks were markedly similar, as were their smiles, if the boy’s was a little kinder.

The man turned to him, all polite smiles and condolences for his son’s loss.

The smug aura around him so strong that Enji allowed himself, for just a second, to pity the boy in green.

Its just tenya and todoroki who know

and quickly bakugo too, bc he was there for shoutos tragic backstory reveal, which included izukus too

and like,,, mic and aizawa are in denial bc jesus christ its the number one hero and hes normally so nice

izuku v katsuki babey!

basically izuku starts to panic and bakugo stops the fight and grabs his hand

"pull yourself together deku. forget everyone else, this is just a fight between me and you, go it?"

and izuku gives a shakey smile, and nods. bakugo releases his hand

"lets start this again, huh izuku"

"sure thing kacc-. Katsuki"

and then fiGHT and its great and its a tie bc they are both so fucking exhausted. izuku and bakguo have to get hauled to their feet by midnight, but both of them are grinning

izuku has trouble w his hero name, like, a l o t bc everything he comes up with yagi says no

but yagi wont give him any ideas eventually izuku just ends up with his hero name being "nine" bc yagi liked that one

katsuki can just,,, tell izuku doesn't like it (bc it reduces him as a hero down to his quirk)

(he wants the name jackrabbit)

he has no supports in his costume bc "it makes you look weak" and no support gear either

ok so , his bones are less fucked than canon zuku but hes willing to break them fucking constantly

aizawa actually comes up to him before the sports festival and says "you break your bones, you get disqualified. no excuses"

yagi is p i s s e d but just nods politely to aizawa tells izuku hed better do as aizawa says, as stupid as a request it may be

also izuku really,, wants to paint his nails dumb glittery colours like ochako and mina do so they paint his nails for him! and then at lunch yagi scrubs the polish off with a dish scrubber

to make it worse, mina is sad izuku took it off, but she just

pauses

when she sees his fingers are almost bleeding

"midoriya, what happened?"

"oh haha funny thing, one of our teachers said i might get a uniform violation so i got a little enthusastic with scrubbing it off, sorry!"

aizawa just winces

one of the finals nails in the coffin is todoroki asking if "the tall thin blonde guy" is izukus dad

aizawa says no

todoroki says "good"

s t a i n a r c

so izuku finds iida and steps between iida and stain, starts fighting him, todoroki shows up, stain starts rambling about how allmight is the best hero and todoroki gives him a strange look

"i used to agree. but seeing allmight at school, i dont think hes the icon of morality everyone says"

izuku is spluttering, denying it, stain is just watching them. so stain isnt even fighting them, hes interested. bc this selfless kid is the one shigiraki wants

iida is lost too and he gets this,,, look in his eyes like he's starting to connect some dots

anyway, fight proceeds, they win the nomu tries to carry izuku off, stain stops the nomu and saves izuku and vaguely he realizes the way izuku just, sits in his arms, like he doesnt know how to react to being touched, and he pushes it aside

and he holds izuku close because all he knows is that this boy is kind and good and the world has hurt him and he says that this boy he is holding is the only hero hes ever worth met their salt

oh but after the hero killer thing, yagi storms into the office and hauls izuku out by his injured arm

and tenya and shouto just feel sick

"should, should we tell all might? about how his secretary treats midoriya?"

shouto just glares at the half-open door, quiet apologies drifting down the hall until they turn another corner

"i'm quite sure that man already knows."

#bnha au #bnha #dont praise the all mighty #all might #midoriya izuku #yagi toshinori #villain all might #Midoriya #Izuku #aizawa shouta #yamada hizashi #bakugou katsuki #todoroki shouto #uraraka ochako #Iida Tenya #hero killer stain #shigaraki tomura

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burnt-tomato · 4 years

Text

“Soba ni ite Hoshii”

Hinata Shouyo x Reader

Introduction: Hinata has seen you as someone special, but couldn’t take the courage to say it out loud. He begged his team to help him out and give him a step up, but anything they adviced didn’t work out like they imagined it would. There was this upcoming school festival for Karasuno High. Will Hinata finally grab the chance to tell you or would it take him much longer to be ready.

Anime: Haikyuu!!

Genre: Fluff

➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴

[“Hey y/n.”

“Mmmm?”

“You never knew what Soba no ite hoshii meant right?”

“Nah. You did tease me about it though.”

“Then I’ll tell you.”

“Will you really?”

“Yes. Y/n… Soba no ite hoshii!” Hinata blurted out loud without hesitation.

“? We’re you saying that to me? Because if it was, I didn’t understand haha. Sorry Hinata.”

“I’ll tell you, y/n… do you-”]

“Y/N!!” Hinata shouted your name while waving his hands and running towards you. “Thanks again for the meat buns you bought me yesterday. You’re a real lifesaver!”. Yesterday Hinata walked with you because your houses were close. He got really angry and told you he forgot his wallet at home, so you bought him some of his favorite, meat buns.

“Nah dude, don’t mention it! You don’t have to owe me even if I always buy you food after school”. He smiled widely and went to Kageyama, supposedly to discuss about their quick, which just ended with them bickering at each other.

Tanaka walked over to you and got close to your ears and whispered. “Hey y/n, mmmmmm is it just me or you and Hinata auhhhh… have gotten closer?”

“Hm? Well dUh. We walk to school together, we walk home together, we’re in the same grade, we’ve been friends since middle school, and were basically neighbors. Are you stupid?”

“THatS nOt wHat i mEanT- yknow what, nevermind” he said as he walked away to Daichi and spoke to him.

You noticed your phone ringing…

Unread Messages

Y/n where are You? I thought that you agreed to hang out with us after school today.

“Ah. Sorry. I forgot. I’ll be there, so wait for me.”

Are you with Hinata and his volleyball team again? You spend your after school hours there, so hang out with us for a chance.

“Fine fine. I’ll tell them that I have stuff to take care of. But ill only do this today.”

Thanks y/n!!

You looked up from your phone.

“Daichi-san, I’m really sorry but I have to go. I have some outside school things to take care of, but only for today! I’ll make sure to come tomorrow.”

“Oh y/n. Of course you can!”

“K guys! I’ll head out now.” You said as you waves your hand above your head and rushed out.

[♤: Even if y/n is gone, the story continues on even without her, and in this part the perspective is 3rd person to narrate everyone’s perspective]

The end of practice drew closer, and the boys went to their clubroom to change.

“Crap. Exams are drawing near, and after that, a 3-day festival, and after are the finals.” Yamaguchi said.

“Yeah…wait. E-exams? C r a p.” Hinata said

“Kshh, oooooh that’s gonna hurt.” Suga said

“N-nevermind! I’ll just ask y/n for help! She’s really smart and good in teaching, and she’s also really nice.” Hinata said

“Yeah. If you pass the exam period, you can still enjoy the festival.” Daichi said

“Hey Hinata. Since yknow, y/n has helped you alot till now, especially during exams right? So don’t you like, wanna repay her back somehow?” Ennoshita said

“Yeah, like inviting her to the festival and yknow, finally tell her how you feel, or something?” Tanaka said teasingly

Hinata’s cheeks grew bright red and instantly looked away. “Wha-? W-what are you s-saying?” He stuttered

“Oh c'mon Hinata, it’s hella obvious that you both like eachother. Anyone could tell, even the dumbest person we know can.” Suga said

“N-no I don’t! Besides, we’ve been friends for so long, she’s seen how stupid I am, so obviously she’ll never like me. I can’t even gather up the courage to tell her, heck, I don’t even know how to set the right time to let her know!” Hinata said

“Mmmmmm…. then.. we’ll help you out! How ‘bout asking her to teach you? So if you confess by then, you both would have fUn together at the festival. Or at least hint it, yknow?” Nishinoya said

“During a study session? Noya that’s like the worst time to tell someone your feelings. This is why Kiyoko doe- u r g h-” Noya screams at the top of his lungs to overlap what Suga was saying

“Mmmmm… I’m not sure about this. I can barely stay focus when with her.. maybe we- I shouldn’t.”

“Dumbass. If you won’t do it now, when will you? You’re just gonna sit there till she finds someone else? If you really don’t want to lose her, then at least make your move now. One day you’ll regret not telling her if you don’t, so get moving and let us- I mean tHEm help you.” Kageyama said wow some actually good advice from kags. How rare.

“Wow. Who knew? Kageyama can actually say stuff that are helpful?”

“K r00d.” Kageyama snarled

“Heh. Fine. Since you’re all willing to help, I guess the least I can do is set your plans to work.” Hinata said.

“Ok. Since we’ve been planning for this day since the time you introduced y/n to us, we have a plan in mind already. Care to say it Suga?” Daichi said

“Ok. Y/n sucks at Japanese right? So here’s what you have to do….. did you get that?” Suga asked

“Mmmm… yeah. Kinda” Hinata said

They all called it a day and went straight home.

You were about to sleep when you heard your phone buzz, revealing a message.

Ah. Y/n. Sorry for messaging you this late

“Mmm Hinata? No no it’s Fine! What’s up?”

Well I’m pretty sure you have like alot to do and I’m just being a bother because I always ask you about this buuuuttttt

“Mmmmmm it’s about the exams isn’t it? It’s fine! I’ll help you study, and you can even bring Kageyama too, maybe Noya-san and Tanaka-san too.”

Haha yeah. I forgot that your knowledge is actually advanced, so you’re capable of teaching upperclassmen.

Hinata told Tanaka and Nishinoya, as well as Kageyama and Yamaguchi what y/n told him. This boosted the chances of their plan and to offer Hinata support.

3 days till exams, 4 days till the festival, and 7 days till Finals. Goal, to carry out the plan before Finals comes.

Hinata and the others were able to come to your class during breaks and free periods and study hours.

“So y/n, you sucked at Japanese literature, right? Even if you speak Japanese, it’s hard for you to actually write what certain words say.” Kageyama asked

“Ah, yes that’s true lol. But isn’t that the subject that Hinata’s good at? That’s why I asked him to teach me that” you said

As time went by, you all continued to share learning and understandings, plus you were able to help even the second years alot.

“Ah, Hinata! What does Soba ni Ite Hoshii mean?”

“Mmmmm… that means-oW” Hinata said, surprised. Tanaka gave him a soft kick on the leg and shot him a look. “Are you stupid Hi- ah- y/n? Everyone knows that!” Tanaka exclaimed.

You pouted. You were confused as to why they didn’t tell you what it meant but teased you instead. But that didn’t bother You, you wanted to focus on studying and to pass your exams to be able to enjoy the festival with your friends.

2 days till exams, 3 days till the festival, and 6 days till Finals. Goal, to carry out the plan before Finals comes.

“Y/n!!!! How tf do you do that Pythagorean theorem nonsense whatever that shit is again??”

“Oh! Tanaka-san! I’ll teach you, you do this and that then you do that” (♤: ok like I can’t describe how this theorem stuff works so I ain’t using my time to Google it and copy paste it here lmao)

“Psstt! Shou, what’s Soba ni ite Hoshii meaannnnn??” You asked. “Hmmmmm… I’ll tell you if you buy me 10 meat buns for the entire year.” He said. “GeEz fInE u d0nT hAvE t0 tElL mE” Damn Shou be bullyin you nowadays.

“I’ll tell you after exams” he said as he half smiled at you. “0r mAyBe n0t”. Damn Shou be savage.

Tomorrow are the exams, 2 days till the festival, and 5 days till Finals. Goal, to carry out the plan before Finals comes.

“Hey y/n, after school today, want to stop by Ukai-san’s shop and buy some meat buns?”. “Shou we always stop by there and I’m the one paying for our food.”

“Ok guys. Tomorrow are the exams, so show me how much you’ve learned from me by passing the exams so we can enjoy our 3-day festival to rest up before finals”

After studying together with the others, you finally wrapped up and separated ways, with you stopping by the shop to buy some snacks then walking home with Hinata.

Today are exams, tomorrow is the festival, and 4 days till Finals. Goal, to carry out the plan before Finals comes.

Time seemed slow. The entire class remained quiet, but deep inside, everyone was panicking. Today is the day of exams. Today is the day that’ll determine who gets to enjoy the festival and who won’t. It was obvious in the atmosphere surrounding the school that no one dared to make a single sound.

“Time’s up class, pass em in. The results will come out by the end of the day, but for now, turn to page 345 of your Mathematics textbooks and answer the 50-item Chapter Review there.” The teacher said. You all watched the teacher’s every step as she exits the classroom. Once she closes the door, everyone breathed out a huge sigh of relief. You could hear everyone talking to one another, transferring seats, and talking about how hard the test was and what challenged them the most, but all you thought was I wonder how Shou and the others did… I hope they pass so that we can all enjoy the festival together.

Hours and hours passed by. You couldn’t take it. You were minutes away from hearing about the results, and everyone was scared shitless. Everyone was restless, and you were sure that the only thing in everyone’s minds was I hope i pass, even if I get the exact passing grade, just let me pass.

The teacher came in, carrying cards that probably contains your grades and how well you did. No one dared to breathe a single sound. Everyone barely moved. Everyone seemed to be stuck on their chairs, all eyes are focused unto the teacher’s hands.

“Well start with the students at the back row, once I call your surname, stand up and retrieve your grading cards. We’ll start with… Nichiiyama…”

Nichiiyama stood up, his movements were stiff and his hands were shaking as he held his card, and quietly made his way to his chair. The teacher continued calling students’ names, until she called yours. You stood up stiffly, making your way to the front desk and held up your hands and- “Good work y/n.. You scored the top grades in the class. Continue your good work, alright?” The teacher whispered into your ear and patted your back. As you walked back, you opened your card and saw that your grades were either 1 or 2 in every subject. You sighed when a huge wave of relief came over you. The only thing you’re worried about now is how Hinata and the others did.

“Aaanddd that’s all of You. Those who didn’t make it, you’ll be spending your 3-day break in Supplementary classes to retake your tests and pass, but those who passed, you’re free to enjoy the festival as you wish. That’s all for today, and let’s see eachother next week.” The teacher bowed and made their way to the door. Everyone started to pack up, chatting with eachother about how they did, or who passed. “Hey y/n, did You pass?” Your friend asked. “Yeah I did, how about you?”. “Man, I barElY made it, yknow? My scores were a solid 42 and around 40s, and my grades were Like, 3 and 3.5! I was lucky to make the 40-grade mark. Btw y/n, do you want to hang out after school today?”. “Ah… I’m not sure… I have to stop by the club today, but I’ll catch up with you.”

You rushed out of the classroom and to the gym. You arrived to the clubroom with the 3rd years inside already, and Ennoshita, Kinoshita, and Narita. “Oh hey y/n, you’re here early. Your students aren’t here yet, but they should be arriving soon” Narita said. You waited and waited for them while playing animal crossing on your phone.

“Y/n!! Y/n!! We passed! We fuckin passed! How in the world did I passs??”. Tanaka said running towards the room, teary- eyed. “Idiot! It’s all because y/n helped us!” Noya said, smacking Tanaka’s back. “Yeah, it’s all thanks to you, y/n. We’ll be able to enjoy the festival because of your work. Even I passed all of the exams.” Kageyama then bowed. “Ah- no you don’t need to thank me! I didn’t do much, you should thank yourselves, for working hard to pass! All I did was help you get there.” You said. You turned to look for Hinata and hear about his results. “Heh. Yeah. Thanks so much y/n, we passed because of your help. So uh… because of your help and all uhm.. I wanted to somehow repay you and stuff..” Everyone turned their heads to Hinata and you, somehow expecting something or an answer. “What is it Shou?” You asked. “Well uh.. I was thinking that since you helped all of us and personally you help me alot everyday I was wondering if you wanted to come to the festival with me.. I mean all of us ofcourse!” He said shyly, his cheeks heating up a bit and fiddling with his fingers. Everyone looked like they were gonna laugh and some were smiling widely. “Ofcourse I’ll go! I was planning to anyways, but I gotta go right now since my friends and I are going out for a bit, so I’ll meet you all by the entrance tomorrow! See ya.” You said as you rushed out of the room and met up with your friends. As you left, Hinata looked like he was about to faint and exploding.

Geh. I’m too early.. we all agreed to meet up by 3pm.. and look at this, it’s only 1:30pm and I’m already here. Guess I should walk around for now till they come-

“Y/n?” You were surprised to see the 3rd years standing by the entrance, along with the 2nd years and the 1st years, except one person..

“Why isn’t Hinata with you, y/n? Aren’t you 2 neighbors?” Ennoshita asked. “Mmmm, his mom said he might get there late and told me to get along, so I decided to wait for him here.” You told them.

“Crap.. If Hinata doesn’t show up, what’s the point of doing all this?” Tanaka whispered to Suga. “Don’t say that, we just have to do as we planned. I’ll call Hinata to check up on him.” Suga whispered. “I’ll go over there for a while to call someone, k?” Suga walked over by the trees and took out his phone and dialed Hinata’s number.

“Hinata, where are you?”

Suga-san? Oh sorry, I didn’t feel well when I woke up… My mom said that I should rest, I’m really sorry… you all planned for this day, but I blew it, just because of a godDAMN fever-

“Nono it’s fine Hinata. Don’t apologize, I understand, these stuff happen unexpectedly, but it’s not like you lost your chance, alright? Remember, this plan is full proof and we have 3 days of the festival! Although I’m not sure if you can heal up by Then, but we’ll have to hope for the best. Just, rest up right now ok? So you can catch up.”

Alright Suga-san. Bye.

Suga puts down his phone and walks over to where the others are. “Well, Hinata wouldn’t make it today… he’s gotten a fever. But he said that he’ll try his best to make it tomorrow though! So let’s enjoy this day and hope that he feels better, especially with Finals coming up soon.”

Damnit Shou. You’re the one who invited me, then you’re the one who wouldn’t make it.. sigh.. I’ll just drop by your house later I guess… I do hope that he’ll feel better soon, I wanted to tell him something and decided that the festival would be nice…

Despite Hinata’s absence, you all tried to enjoy the festival. Checking out every stall, entering games and winning them, and eating with the team. You decided to bring Hinata a stuffed crow you won at one of the shooting games, and to stop by a convenience store to buy him some food.

“Alright guys, we’ll all meet by here tomorrow at the same time, if you can. But we’ll all be there at the last day of this festival, okay? On the 3rd day there’ll be a fireworks showcasing, and i think that’ll be fun and calming so all should be present by Then, but for now, all of you go home and rest.” Daichi said. Everyone began to separate ways, including you. You walked lazily, not used to walking at night alone. Looking up at the sky, you remembered how you and your friends always went out stargazing during cold winter nights like this. Even if you were wearing a yukata that travelled along your feet, you could still feel the cold air breezing through. After stopping by the store to buy some food, you started walking up the mountain road towards home. You were cold and freezing. You were lonely.

“Walking home at nights like this without anyone to talk to sure is lonely.” You let out a little chuckle afterwards.

“It sure is. Why didn’t you call me that you were heading home? I could’ve walked with you.” You jolted. You were sure that you were alone while Walking, but as you faced infront of you, you saw Hinata in his pajamas, holding a jacket. “Here. You must be freezing.. Sugawara told me that you all went home, so I tried to get out to bring you home, but Natsu insisted me to stay. I had to give her one of those ‘Play with Sister for 1 hour Coupon’ just so I can leave lol.. ah! You must be freezing, here, wear this.” He said as he put on the jacket on you. You felt safe and warm, and complete with him. You both shared chars and laughs as you walked, which reminded you from when you were middle schoolers.

The next day you called Hinata’s house number, but his mom was the one who picked up, saying that he wouldn’t be able to come again, but he was feeling a little bit better. You thanked her and dropped the phone. He’s still not healed up yet, huh? What should I do for today? If I go to the festival, it would be boring because we already experienced all of it yesterday, and plus Hinata wouldn’t even be able to come with us..

Since you weren’t feeling like doing anything productive today, you just slept till afternoon.

“Shit-! I slepT an entire day? Is it seriously the last day of the festival?? I only planned to sleep till afternoon, so how is it the next day already?? Geh, fuck that. I should just get changed to meet up with the others. Especially that today is when all of us should be present..” either way, you got up and got dressed. After getting ready, you found yourself standing infront of Hinata’s doorstep. I probably shouldn’t disturb him, he might still be resting. You decided to go on alone.

You met up with the others and surprisingly-

“Hey y/n..”. You saw Hinata standing infront if everyone. “Sorry I didn’t tell you that I decided to go on ahead. I wanted to sorta… surprise you I guess…haha” Hinata said with a short laugh. “It took awhile, but when he called up on me, he said that he was feeling a bit better, although he still has a bit if his fever.” Yamaguchi said

You were really happy that you’re able to spend the last day of the festival with him especially so that you could finally tell him.

You spent the entire day playing games, eating in every stall, and watching the band’s perform. You all had an amazing time together. Suga and Daichi trying to contain Tanaka and Noya, Ennoshita, Kinoshita and Narita all sitting in a bench calmly, Tsukki and Yams playing with the fish thing, yknow… the one ripoff game where you catch fish using a paper on a handle thing but the fish wouldn’t survive an entire month, Asahi and Kiyoko looking at souvenir shops, while you and Hinata, long with Kageyama, go around eating everywhere.

Finally, 8pm came around. The fireworks were said to start at 8:30, so you all decided to get a spot to put a tent on so you could all wait.

Hinata was with Tanaka, Noya, Kageyama, and Suga. “C'mon Hinata, now is nOt the time for you to back out! This is finally the moment you can tell her!” Suga said. “Yeah! Shouyo, this is now or never, if you don’t do it now, then when will You? Noya asked. “You don’t want to lose y/n right? Then take it now.” Kageyama said.

Hinata wasn’t sure. All he could thing was what if she doesn’t feel the same? If I told her and turns out it isn’t mutual… wouldn’t that make our friendship awkward? What if confessing just break the history we had? What if-

“I’m sorry guys… I’m… just not sure I can. What if she doesn’t feel the same? Then that would just ruin everything… maybe we should give this more thought…” Hinata sighed. “Yeah But.. Hinata what if-”. Suga was cut off by Hinata standing up. He smiled then said “Its alright… if she does find someone… then I’ll support her whole- heartedly.”

He stood up and walked over by the trees. “Hinata wait-”

He sighed. “Heh. What was I thinking? Actually hoping that if I confess, it would work out? She probably doesn’t like me at all honestly..”

20 minutes passed by. No one could find where Hinata went. “Suga! Dis you check any of the stalls?” “Yes we did! But he wasn t there! I don’t think he’s at the festival anymore..” “maybe he went home already?”

You helped everyone search for him. What was he thinking? Wandering off like that out of nowhere.. Dammit Shou! Where are You? You saw a trail of footsteps towards the forest. You thought that just maybe, he might have went there..

You walked through… and as soon as you saw light, you saw..

“Shou?” You asked quietly. He froze for a minute. When he turned around to face You, you noticed that he had tears running down his face.

“H-hey Shou… why are you- are you alright?” You asked. You walked towards him slowly

“Y/n… I uh.. I’m sorry for disappearing so suddenly.. I didn’t mean to- i-” he stops. “I wasnt-” he pauses. He quickly wipes his tears and plaster a huge smile on his face

You instantly run up to him, and throw you arms around him, hugging him tightly. “Idiot. At least tell me if you’re going to disappear like that..” You release.

“Haha.. yeah.. sorry about that..”

Crap.. is it almost 8:30? We better get back to the others before we miss the firewo-

Just as you were tugging his shirt, signaling that you both go back, he grips your arm.

“Maybe we should stay. The view is nice out here.” He says with a soft voice

“Yeah.. but what about the others?” You asked. “They’ll be fine.. since you haven’t come back yet it’s obvious that you’ve found me already.” He says. You both stood next to eachother waiting for the fireworks. Hinata stood silently looking at the sky with a wide smile on his face.

“Its been a while since we went stargazing..” he said. “Ah. Haha yes it has..” You said. There was a moment of silence and awkwardness. You wanted to break this unstoppable silence covering the two of you-

“Hey y/n.. have I ever told you what Soba ni Ite Hoshii meant?”

“Mmmmm… nah. You all teased me about not knowing it though..”

“Then I’ll tell You, right now..”

He takes a deep breath then.. “Y/n! Soba ni Ite Hoshii-!” He takes a few steps back, trying to process what he has said without thinking.

“What? A sorry Shou… I didn’t really know what it means lol… Maybe if you can tell me in English?” You laugh nervously.

“Fine.. y/n.. I-”

You could hear the fireworks blasting off with your left ear. You both stood firmly from where you where standing. The fireworks were loud, loud enough to overlap what he meant. But You heard him loud and clear. What he said caused your heart to skip a beat. You couldn’t process properly what you had heard. You thought that you were somewhat dreaming.

You both stood in silence, both yours and Hinata’s faces were red. You were speechless.

“Shou.. i-”. “I get it y/n.. it’s not the same huh? Maybe we should just stay as friends.. or if that’s too awkward for you-” he pauses. He turns back, waving his hand to signal you that you both should go back.

But I haven’t given him my answer yet…

You grip his arm, jerking him towards you. “Shou please listen for a while..”

You told him everything you’ve hidden since God knows when. All you could think was this is it. This is now or never. There’s no backing out now. If i don’t tell him now, when will I? I don’t want to lose him. You were speaking in a hushed tone, your face heating up, your heartbeat growing faster and faster, but you knew that you shouldn’t stop. You didn’t.

After you told him, you tried to avoid eye contact. He pulls you closely, your faces drawing nearer eachother. You felt his hands tightly behind you back, yours on his. His face resting in your shoulder, beside your face.

“Does this mean we-”

“Dammit Shou, don’t make it more awkward than it is already” you laughed.

“Hahaha yeah… but we should really go back to the others now y/n..” He said. “I guess we should lol.” You hold his hand tightly as you both walked towards your team.

“Congrats on your win at the Finals, Shou.” You giggled as you both walked home. “Thanks y/n, but I wouldn’t have done my best without you watching us.” He says. “Damn, since when have you been romantic?”. “Shut up.” Hinata says looking away.

“Hey y/n… stay with me always, will You?”

➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴

The cringe is unbearable in this one lol. Sorry for the late post and for being wAy t00 inactive lmao. It took me some time to decide what I’m doing first but I finally finished this lol.

Feel free to send in requests for hcs, scenarios and oneshots!

-♤

#haikyuu #haikyuu!!#Hinata shouyo #fics #Hinata x Reader #♤#I accidentally posted it early omfg

13 notes · View notes

imdoingthismspaintadventure · 5 years

Text

In which I nerd out about PS and portal windows.

THE GREEN TEXT WAS ATTRACTIVE. NOW VIEW THE RED TEXT AGAIN.

Oh god we’re going back to TG again.

John is 1000% done with all these huge logs.

TG: when the film crew zooms where the presidents at TG: im like if that dudes black ill eat my hat TG: turns out he is, so we're all "damn, director's got gumption" TG: like we'll all flip our shit he aint shining shoes or somethin TG: its called freemancipation. if its not pres-election its god-ascension TG: in bruce almighty. whoops, different bruce from the one i just mentioned EB: aaaaaarrrgh!

Oh my fucking god TG was still going on and on with his reality-shattering godraps. That is amazing.

He is creating the perfect pop culture amalgam in there, too! I said it before but TG, you are a treasure.

TG: cant explain to me why this aint condescension to think ill shit a brick TG: not even he can convey the intention with his quickspun wit TG: rather defray all this tension, sit on his lap while he whittles a splint TG: and some guy eyes what he does and patronizes: i guess negrocity's the mother of invention

I’m having an astral journey reading this.

TG, what in the actual fuck are you talking about??

You are the god of rambling I swear

EB: stop rapping for a second you horse's ass! EB: i have something important to talk about. TG: whats up EB: rose is in trouble and she needs help. i was going to connect to her with sburb but i lost my copy! TG: ok

Horse’s ass is a good insult.

Yeah I guess TG now has to bail her out after the car fuckup

EB: also she lost battery power. if she can get back up and running, she'll need someone with the game to get her out of there before her house burns down. EB: so i think you should use your copy of the game to help her! TG: my copy? TG: thats going to be tough

Oh no what will the shenanigans be this time.

EB: why? TG: i lost it TG: its a stupid story and id rather not talk about it TG: shit be embarrassing yo

Oh fucking hell.

Why are all the copies of this game getting lost so easily??? Take care of your videogames!!

What did you do to lose it, now I’m scared of whatever bullshit sequence of events transpired

EB: i thought you said you had two? TG: well yeah TG: one is my brothers copy EB: ok, well get his then! TG: alright TG: but hes not gonna be happy about that

Is this going to be like a Dad situation where there is an interactive boss? That was really great so I hope it is!

EB: whatever. EB: also you might want to read rose's walkthrough to get up to speed on this. TG: oh man EB: what? TG: nothing really TG: look all im saying is the girl tends to lay it on kinda thick you know? EB: /ROLLS EYES

Embrace the purple prose TG! Let it envelop you in its glorious overwritten radiance!

Ooh we’re back with the purple lady herself!

She needs to find an alternative energy source asap, to help John and be able to stay communicated, before she burns to death!

Your LAPTOP is out of BATTERY POWER. There's only one thing left to do. Time to make your way to that BACKUP GENERATOR.

Yup, figured it would end up being relevant.

Rose: Knit laptop cozy to shield your laptop from the rain.

...really?

Time managment is not really your strong point it seems.

Oh you already had one made!!

The heart octopus is just the best.

I remember her inventory system to be an unholy nightmare.

That would be such a waste of time! Besides, you already knitted one a while ago. You retrieve it from your KNITTING BAG and apply it to your LAPTOP. You captchalogue the LAPTOP PLUS COZY.

Cozy laptop is cozy!

Rose: Equip grimoire to strife specibus.

Ooh.

That could either result in getting arcane eldritch powers that man was not meant to know... or just a book to bludgeon people to death with.

Both seem worth it.

NOPE

I change my mind this just screams death.

That would be incredibly ill-advised! There are some dark forces you just don't want to mess around with. You understand this better than most. You put the book down.

I like the fact that Rose has an object with such dark and terrible powers even the inventory system and the narrator are advising us to put it as far away as possible from anything resembling a weapon slot.

Was I correct in the eldritch powers thing??

Rose: Recaptchalogue your items!

Oh hello again you terrible, terrible captchalogue system.

You grab the KNITTING BAG and the GRIMOIRE, in that order. It's always a logistical puzzle with your TREE MODUS. The tree AUTO-BALANCES, leaving the KNITTING BAG accesible in the ROOT CARD.

Imagine having one of this in a real videogame.

Seems the kind of move Yoko Taro would do.

................That rithym minigame

Rose: Allocate knitting needles to strife specibus.

Eesh, that seems like a very nasty weapon by necessity.

You feel a lot more comfortable with this as a weapon. You're so handy with those needles, you feel like you could probably use them to filet a sword fish.

Damn, Rose could be fucking deadly with those.

Say goodbye to all the tender spots of flesh in your body.

John has it lucky with his captchalogue thing.

You lose the ROOT CARD in the process, severing the tree. Hey, careful with all that stuff!

Yeah let’s not break the laptop. Or the Necronomicon, Or both.

Rose: Knit plush cuddle-cthulhu to soothe nerves.

Greatest idea so far.

...it’s the actual necronomicon isn’t it.

That would also be a preposterous waste of time!!! Besides, you're quite sure you've never heard of this creature called "Cthulhu" before. There are however many other specimens of the ZOOLOGICALLY DUBIOUS you're familiar with. Such as...

Or this universe’s version of it at least.

Rose: Consult the grimoire.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT’S FLUTHLU!! WITH A BUNCH OF HORRIFYING BEASTS AROUND IT.

IN THE IMAGINARY CITY STREETS

HOW HAVE YOU BEEN, LAST TIME I SAW YOU, YOU GOT STABBED BY A VERY CHARISMATIC DETECTIVE AND BEHEADED BY A WINDOW PORTAL.

IN CASE YOU COULDN’T TELL, I REALLY APPRECIATE THE REFERENCE.

FLUTHLU, FOUL PATRICIAN OF MISERY. To hear his mammoth belly gurgle is to know the Epoch of Joy has come to an abrupt end

Oh god, we get to see even greater elder gods now!!

Nrub’yiglith.... is that a reference to Shrub-Niggurath? Seems the most likely one to me.

And NRUB'YIGLITH, SHAMEBEAST KING OF GROTESQUERY, WRITHE-LORD OF THE MOIST BEYONDHOOD. Hearing his melodious chirps and tongue-clicks causes one's bones to explode.

WRITHE-LORD OF THE MOIST BEYONDHOOD!!

These descriptions are fucking amazing.

Oglogoth....Ok, this is definitely Azathoth, the daemon sultan.

Nice!

And of course there's OGLOGOTH, THE DEEP ONE. Whenever he grinds his teeth, all the children of a random galaxy somewhere will frown continuously for a nine thousand year span.

These fucking descriptions.... Holy shit give me 500 of these.

He is the first and smallest of the SMALLER GODS, appointed in servitude of a vile, unfathomable pantheon of MIDDLING GODS which caters to the whims of the NOBLE CIRCLE OF HORRORTERRORS, an omniscient, omnipotent order of the elite few, forever cloaked in the darkness of the FURTHEST RING.

What the fuck???

So in the homestuck universe, Azathoth is just a scrub! There are a whole three tiers above him in power!

The noble circle of horrorterrors, cloaked in the darkness of the furthest ring...

Someone should make a story with all this lore, or use it in a DnD campaign. Some of this is legitimately really good.

OH MY GOD

THE WINDOW PORTALS. THEY ARE OUTLINED HERE AS WELL.

And then there's this strange page containing some rather mysterious notes on summoning procedures. You've never been quite sure what these diagrams are getting at.

.....of course they are the summoning rituals!!

They lead to the imaginary city and if you cut their power while you are outside an eldritch being appears!!

Flutulhu was summoned after a city-wide blackout, so I wonder what would be needed for oglogoth... I was going to say a planet-wide blackout, but the imaginary city is.....all that exists over there, alongside the four realms and the cathedral/brothel/sun and moon/GPI, and all the other cosmology.

Maybe if you were outside a window during the last supermassive black hole?? That is probably the most pitch black you could ever get while in the imaginary world....

#Homestuck #Homestuck liveblog #mspaintadventures #mspaintadventures liveblog #Problem Sleuth #oglogoth

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psychodollyuniverse · 4 years

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The Long Blondes

The Long Blondes were a five-piece English indie rock band formed in Sheffield, United Kingdom in 2003 by Dorian Cox (lead guitar and keyboards), Reenie Hollis (real name Kathryn Hollis) (bass guitar and backing vocals), Emma Chaplin (rhythm guitar, keyboards and backing vocals), Kate Jackson (lead vocals) and Screech Louder (real name Mark Turvey, drums).

After several critically acclaimed singles, they released their debut album, Someone to Drive You Home, on Rough Trade Records in November 2006. Their second album, Couples, was produced by Erol Alkan and released in April 2008. On 20 October 2008, due to the unexpected illness of their primary songwriter and lead guitarist, Dorian Cox, the band announced their amicable split via a message on their website, the same day their singles compilation, "Singles" was released.

The band was formed in 2003 in Sheffield, United Kingdom. All the members were attending, or had attended university in the city.The following quote appeared on their website and served as an introduction to the Long Blondes; "Our shared influences include The Mael Brothers, Marx Brothers and The Bewlay Brothers. We do not listen to The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Jimi Hendrix, The Doors or Bob Dylan. We chose an instrument each and learnt to play it.".The band have stated that the original inspiration for The Long Blondes was to form a fantasy pop group: "Nico, Nancy Sinatra, Diana Dors and Barbara Windsor. Sexy and literate, flippant and heartbreaking all at once." Singer Kate Jackson was inspired by bands with front women like Siouxsie and the Banshees and Blondie.

In July 2004, The Long Blondes released their debut single "New Idols" on the local Thee Sheffield Phonographic Corporation label. This was followed by singles "Autonomy Boy" and "Giddy Stratospheres", on Angular. In 2005, they released further singles, "Appropriation (By Any Other Name)" and "Separated By Motorways", the latter being produced by Paul Epworth and released on his own Good & Evil label. These releases were met with a positive critical reaction and growing media attention

Still unsigned, in February 2006 the band were recipients of the NME Philip Hall Radar Award, which in previous years was won by Franz Ferdinand and Kaiser Chiefs. Further adding to their reputation, the band were named by The Guardian and Vogue as "the best unsigned band in the UK". As they were unsigned, during the early success of the band, members remained working in various day jobs; Jackson sold vintage clothing on eBay, Cox was working in the University of Sheffield Department of Law, Hollis in the Media Studies department of a nearby college, Chaplin in a Leeds art library and Louder in the Home Office.

On 13 April 2006 they signed to Rough Trade Recordsand began recording their debut album over the summer with Steve Mackey, the bassist with Pulp. The album was preceded by the singles "Weekend Without Makeup" in July and "Once and Never Again", which was released on 23 October and debuted at number 30 in the UK Singles Chart.The song was named the 15th best track of 2006 by NME. Someone to Drive You Home was released in November 2006. The music was written by the band collectively while the majority of the lyrics were written by Cox with Jackson completing the lyrics for "Separated by Motorways" and "Madame Ray". Critical reception was generally positive with the NME calling it "fantasy pop, performed to perfection" in a 9/10 review.Reviews picked up on the predominant themes of the album; outsider status, popular culture references from the 1950s and 60s and relationships from a female perspective. Other reviews indicated the numerous inspirations for the work. For example, a four-star review in The Guardian said that "if talent borrows but genius steals ... the Long Blondes should be taking their Mensa tests", comparing the album's style to Franz Ferdinand and 80s indie-pop band The Flatmates.Some noted the impact of Jackson's voice; Colin Roberts of Drowned In Sound said "her delivery is like a public address call across a Sunday marketplace” while The Guardian said it was "marvellously belting, if unsubtle".A 3-star review in Uncut magazine recognised the ambition of the band's sound, advising that they should acquire "a ruthless pop producer, one who can coax them out of their indie-pop dowdiness – like Blondie needed Mike Chapman, like ABC needed Horn.They appeared at a number of UK festivals over the summer of 2006, including the Carling Weekend. In 2007, they played on the Other Stage at the Glastonbury Festival.

After an extended European tour, in October 2007 The Long Blondes began work on their second album with producer Erol Alkan, who had previously produced their more dance orientated b-sides such as "Five Ways To End It" and "Fulwood Babylon". On 19 December 2007, it was announced that the new album's title would be "Couples". The title alludes to the David Bowie album "Heroes" and also to a loose theme of the album as a "big breakup album". Before the album was released, all five members created their own cryptic promo videos explaining the inspiration behind "Couples".The band stated that the album drew influences from Italo disco revival acts such as Glass Candy and the Italians Do It Better label.and ABBA. Cox stated that "...there's something really innocent about Abba videos... really kinda funny, futuristic but old fashioned at the same time and that's how we see our music on this album.".

"Couples" was released on 7 April 2008, preceded by a single, "Century", released on 24 March 2008. The album reached number 48 in the UK album chart. The album was generally well received by critics. Click Music gave the album a 4.5 out of 5 and said it was "a worthy contender for record of the year".[24] The Guardian gave the album another 4-star review, noting the album's shift in style – saying that some tracks shared "more with the cinematic perfection of Kylie Minogue's "Confide in Me" than the kitchen sink dramas of Pulp". A mixed 6/10 review in NME said the album was "not terrible, but disappointing" and "whereas once they sang of suburban boredom tempered with the thrill of escape, now they’ve started to sound like they’d be happy to stay put".After "Century", the next song to be taken off the album was "Guilt", which was released on 7" and digital download.

On 9 June 2008, the band posted on their official website that Cox had fallen ill and that he had to be rushed to hospital, which meant that they had to cancel all their live appearances until the end of July.The band were due to play a support slot on Duran Duran's Red Carpet Massacre tour at the Birmingham NIA and the O2 Arena in London and on the John Peel stage at Glastonbury.

After "Couples", the band decided to release a compilation of their rare early 7" singles, which was titled "Singles" on 20 October 2008 on Angular Records.The twelve track album collected all of the songs from the band's first singles. The version of "Separated By Motorways" differs from the single version produced by Paul Epworth, instead the group opted to include the demo version instead. The compilation also featured one previously unreleased song – "Peterborough". "Singles" was named the 25th best album of 2008 by Artrocker magazine

On 20 October 2008, Guitarist Dorian Cox posted a message on their official website that the band had split up. The main motivation for the break-up was Cox's stroke in June 2008, which resulted in a swath of cancelled gigs.Cox thanked fans for their support and goodwill. "We have decided to call it a day," he wrote. "The main reason for this is that I suffered from a stroke in June and unfortunately I do not know when/if I will be well enough to play the guitar again. On behalf of the band I'd like to say a big thank you to anyone who ever came to one of our shows, bought one of our records or danced to one of our songs in a club." The announcement was made the same day their compilation "Singles" was released, with the inside of the rear album art also containing news of the break-up. Upon their split, The Guardian wrote an article entitled "Why music will miss the Long Blondes".

It was reported on 1 December 2008 that Cox was undergoing physiotherapy for his paralysis and is still hoping to get back to playing guitar.

Jackson has been working on her debut solo album with producer and ex-Suede guitarist Bernard Butler. She will be working under the name Madame Ray (after the song on Someone To Drive You Home). Jackson has said that the sound of the album first tended towards country rock but has now become a "big pop record". She released the album 'British Road Movies' in early 2016.

Dorian Cox's new band is called Unmade Bed and have made a number of songs available on-line.

Hollis continues to play in The Bon Bon Club, a band she formed with Louder.Their debut single features three cover versions—"Lullaby" by The Cure, "Love Is Blind" by Pulp and "Romantic Rights" by Death From Above 1979. It was released through Thee Sheffield Phonographic Corporation on 23 June 2008. The 7" single was limited to 500 copies.

Hollis also plays with Nature Set and their first single 7" has been published by Elefant Records in 2011.

The Long Blondes' songs reflect a number of influences, including 60s pop, Buzzcocks, The Fall, The Ramones, Suede,post-punk and new wave. Jackson's vocals have been compared to Ari Up of The Slits, Deborah Harry of Blondie and Lesley Woods of Au Pairs[citation needed]. Dorian Cox's backing vocals are also similar to those of former Pulp frontman Jarvis Cocker. The music features angular guitars and prominent bass guitar lines. However, the band themselves claim somewhat more eclectic influences than their sound suggests, citing Burt Bacharach, Holland-Dozier-Holland, Chinn and Chapman, and Stock, Aitken and Waterman as influences. The band named some of their actual influences and favourite bands. Chaplin's were The Smiths, Sweet and The Jesus and Mary Chain. Hollis's were Belle and Sebastian, ELO and The Eagles. Cox's were ABBA and The Fall. Louder's were Scott Walker, The Slits and Captain Beaky. Jackson's were The Smiths, The Fall and Nancy Sinatra and Lee Hazlewood. Screech Louder cited Siouxsie and the Banshees, a group they were likened by the critics.Louder said about them: "[Siouxsie and the Banshees] made much more interesting records than any of the instant hits could manage, and they didn’t run out of ideas after the first few singles. Like Pulp, they’re testament to the power of waiting".

The Long Blondes are known for referencing films, singers, starlets and artists in their music. Screech Louder said that Alfred Hitchcock was a big inspiration when it came to referencing films in their music, he said "the whole film noir thing is very important because it's stylish but there's depth to it as well".

Lyrics

"Appropriation (By Any Other Name)" is a homage to Hitchcock's 1958 film Vertigo. It has been said[by whom?] that the song is told from Judy's perspective, due to lines such as "When I met you, I never wore dresses like that" & "You can't have me, make me act the same". Lead singer Kate Jackson painted two different portraits for the CD single and 7" Vinyl, they both depicted Kim Novak's characters Madeleine Elster and Judy Barton.[41]

"Darts" mentions British darts player Bobby George and darts commentator Sid Waddell.

"Erin O'Connor" is a homage to Erin O'Connor which also mentions fellow model, Lily Cole. It begins with a line by Ronnie Corbett and David Swift from the BBC play No Sex Please, We're British.

"Five Ways To End It" mentions Carry On star Hattie Jacques and also the producer of the Carry On films, Peter Rogers.

"I Liked The Boys" ends with "Not the most original sentiment I've ever heard, so what's new" which is a line from a radio show by Terry Wogan.[22] Whilst recording the second album, they found an old reel-to-reel radio recording and decided to use parts in some of their songs

"I'm Going To Hell" ends with a line by Peter Sellers.

"Long Blonde" mentions punk band Ramones, one of their influences.

"Lust in the Movies" mentions underground actresses such as 60's socialite and muse, Edie Sedgwick, American actress Arlene Dahl & French actress Anna Karina. Also the repeated line "Nag nag nag" is a reference to the same repeated lyric in the song "Nag Nag Nag" by Sheffield band Cabaret Voltaire.

"Madame Ray" is inspired by Lee Miller, the photographer and muse of avent-garde artist Man Ray.

"Melville Farr" is based on Dirk Bogarde's character in the 1961 British film Victim.

"Never To Be Repeated" references film-star Greta Garbo.

"Only Lovers Left Alive" takes its title from the 1964 science fiction novel by Dave Wallis, and includes the title of 1950s film From Here To Eternity as a lyric.

"Round The Hairpin" begins with a line by British comedian Kenny Everett.

"Swallow Tattoo" has a lyric ("you fill me with inertia") which is a reference to the parody pop band fronted by Peter Cook in Bedazzled.

"You Could Have Both" namechecks American singer Scott Walker. The song also alludes to the Morrissey song "My Love Life".The song also mentions the character of C.C. 'Bud' Baxter from The Apartment

Artwork

Before "Couples" was released, all five members created their own cryptic promo videos "explaining" what the inspiration behind "Couples" was. Jackson explained who inspired the album cover, she found artist Richard Hamilton, videos by ABBA, Lee Miller and Le Corbusier to be the main inspiration.

The two front covers of "Weekend Without Makeup" are paintings of Diana Dors.

The front cover of their debut album Someone To Drive You Home is a painting by Kate Jackson of Faye Dunaway in the film Bonnie and Clyde, with a Mark 3 Ford Cortina as her getaway car.The artwork inside the album sleeve is a painting of Nicolas Cage & Laura Dern in the film Wild At Heart.

The front cover of "New Idols" is a painting of Diana Dors in Yield to the Night.

from their Wikipedia page

Why music will miss the Long Blondes from The Guradian Uk October 21st 2008.

It's hard to sum up just how exciting the Long Blondes were when they started out. I first heard them after they'd released a few singles and they were still without a record deal. Amongst my friends, urging them on to bigger and better things was a cause we felt passionately about. And it wasn't long before the NME had called them the Best Unsigned Band in Britain.Matching the media hype was the fact that those early singles - Giddy Stratospheres, Autonomy Boy, Once and Never Again and Lust in the Movies - were stunning. Unlike anyone else, they seemed to be addressing exactly what suburban teenagers were going through: self harm, bitchy jealousy, social climbing, pretending you were a much cooler film star than the sad sack you actually were. For those of us who couldn't relate to guitar songs that sounded like football chants, these were a revelation. It helped that they looked like a proper pop group. A bunch of ex-librarian mis-shapes and misfits dressed in thrift shop chic straight out of a Pulp song, it was impossible to take your eyes off front-woman Kate Jackson. In the miasma of boys with guitars they were the only band who were mining a wealth of influences often overlooked by the keepers of rock music's "canon" - Blondie, the Ronettes, the Human League, Pulp, John Cooper Clarke and the B-52s - to name just a few. They were often criticised for not being able to play "properly". These people, I thought, were missing the point – in the grand tradition of their heroes the Long Blondes were anti-technique.In fact, their heroic statement of intent on their website read: "We do not listen to the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, Jimi Hendrix, the Doors or Bob Dylan. We chose an instrument each and learnt to play it."None of them were really proper musicians. And unlike all of those perfectly coiffured indie bands who became their peers, they were clearly just a group of friends who wanted to form a band for the fun of it.Also, in an age where most other indie bands' default option was "dumbing down", the Long Blondes weren't afraid to flaunt their high falutin' literary and pop culture influences. Like their beloved Roxy Music, high culture met low culture in their aesthetic. Billy Wilder, Arlene Dahl and Kenny Everett were all lyrical inspirations while their sleeves referenced Bonnie and Clyde, Poor Cow and 50s pulp fiction novels.They produced two great albums (Someone To Drive You Home and Couples), and a pretty weighty stack of classy singles and b-sides (Ten Reasons To End It , Christmas Is Cancelled and Long Blonde to name a few). These, along with their sense of fearlessness (in their music, attitude and look), will be their legacy.

#the long blondes #dorian cox #kate jackson #rennie hollis #emma chaplin #screech louder #someone to drive you home #couples #best band of the early XXi century

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simplylove101 · 5 years

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Missing Moment #4 Preview

This has been such a shitshow of a day.

Gert thinks this as she and Chase hightail it to their bedroom, with Old Lace lingering by the door. Obviously, the dinosaur has missed her and wants some attention. That said, Gert really had meant her warning to Topher just moments before about Old Lace continuing to keep a watch on him.

As long as he's staying in this mansion and near Molly, at least. We can't risk it.

While it's true the group has given Topher a reluctant okay to stay with them for now, they clearly still don't fully trust him yet. He can dumpster dive all the food he wants to try to win them over with, but it doesn’t make him part of their family. Even if Molly does now believe Topher may be some long lost relative of hers because of their matching glowing eyes and powers.

Whatever. I am her sister. Regardless if they are possibly blood related or not, that’s never gonna change.

Gert sits on the bed and yanks off her boots, trying to push this train of thought away. Her feet are killing her, and she wants to forget all about today’s events. She considers burying her face in her pillow and screaming her head off. Just to see if it makes any difference of her feeling better or not.

Probably not. Ugh. Oh well.

“You okay?” Chase asks as he shuts the door behind him.

It’s a question he has been asking her pretty much since the moment they’ve gotten together, and lately Gert’s been trying to sidestep it a bit since she doesn’t want to burden him and the others with the truth. But earlier, during the earthquake, she had completely lost her cool.

This whole ‘being without her meds’ thing is really starting to get unbearable for her. She’s been snappy, on edge at all times, and her head almost always feels like it’s repeatedly being jabbed with a hot poker.

So, is she okay? No. Is she gonna tell her concerned boyfriend that, though?

No.

“Yeah. Just peachy.”

Gert knows she’s a horrible liar. She always has been.

Every once in a while, Chase can see past her bullshit, but luckily for her, he seems like he’s unaware of it this time. That, or he’s afraid to push her limits (that’s definitely more likely, considering the circumstances), which she guesses that she can’t totally blame him for. She does tend to take her frustration out on him a lot of the time, more than most people would probably handle well. But this is hard. Anxiety is hard.

Being in a brand-new relationship while on the run and dealing with high-level anxiety without medication at the same time? Even harder.

Chase makes his way over to their bed with a sigh. “Today was… something else.” He sits down and slips his shoes off quickly so he can join her.

That’s one way to put it.

“Mm-hmm,” Gert mumbles, reaching for the copy of Slouching Towards Bethlehem she found yesterday that is sitting on her dresser. Maybe reading some Didion will distract her enough from her problems. Probably not, but it’s worth a shot, right?

“Anything you wanna talk about?” Chase inquires, in a tone that suggests that he’s trying hard not to pry, but he still really wants to know how she’s doing.

So much for fooling him.

Of course, after a day like this, there’s plenty of things for them to talk about. Her mood, on the other hand, isn’t quite ready for it yet.

“Mm,” Gert answers, as she turns a page. There’s silence, and when she looks up, she sees Chase making a face. Clearly, he is worried about her and, okay, she secretly likes it. She really does, but it also makes her feel like shit.

“Y’know, I saw your face earlier, when you joked about your meds at dinner-“

“Oh, um, that was just…”

“I know you weren’t joking, Gert.”

Gert purses her lips, ready to deflect like she’s been trying to do ever since this conversation has started but decides to be truthful. “It just gets pretty hard sometimes, you know? That earthquake really got to me. I thought it was all over for us. I thought… it was the one-”

“I know.” Chase grabs for her hand. “And really, I get why you tried sneaking into the nurse’s office, okay?” There’s a squeeze before he lets go. “Someday we’re gonna be able to get you your meds. I promise.”

Someday.

Gert hates that word. She needs her meds, now. No one truly seems aware of how much of a struggle she’s been going through these last few days. Anxiety is a debilitating illness. One that she has been suffering from for years now, and it’s not getting any easier. Why else would she dare pull a stunt like she did today if it wasn't absolutely vital to get her hands on a bottle of her prescription immediately?

No one understands. None of them. But then, why would they? They don’t have this. To them, I’m probably just another problem they can’t solve and have to deal with. I’m not important enough. I shouldn’t expect them to care.

Now Gert does know Chase deserves some credit since he’s been trying to be there for her as much as he can since they ran away. But there’s only so much comfort he can provide her when her mind is spiraling out of control and he still doesn’t fully comprehend how bad it is. Then again, she’s trying to tone down explaining to him how it all works, because every time she does, that seems to be when her real grumpiness comes out.

Oh, how she wishes she could make him understand all this. But she doesn’t know how to explain it to him anymore.

“Right.” There’s a slight edge when it comes out of her mouth, but once again, Chase doesn’t seem to detect this.

“It’s kinda crazy how we were talking about our old lives and Atlas this morning, and then we had to go back there today. What are the odds, huh?” He shakes his head with a slight chuckle.

“Mmhmm.” Gert is back to her book, but she’s been reading the same paragraph for a minute straight because she can’t focus on it. All she can think about is taking deep breaths and attempting to keep calm.

“Gert.”

“What?”

Uh oh. Here we go.

#I actually have a finished version of this one but here's a preview for now #gertchase fic

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artificialqueens · 5 years

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Lead and I'll go (Branjie) - TheDane

Authors note: Based on what coulda shoulda woulda have happened around Vanjies “Follow me around” video, available on WOW Presents + - Thanks a million to ArtificialMaggie for betaing!

Hiding from the world isn’t easy, even less so when you’ve found the love of your life.

“Hi.”

Brooke looked up from his book to see Vanjie closing the door behind him, his boyfriend wearing a pink hoodie and a tired expression on his face.

Brooke was sitting on Jason’s couch, their shared manager who was kind enough to open his home to them while they were in L.A, Mayhem staying in the other room since WOW was also filming a video with him. Vanjie had jumped up and down when Jason had told him WOW had asked if they could come film a follow me around, season 10 only just off the air, and Vanjie’s popularity was growing by the minute.

“They’re gone?”

“If they weren’t, would your ass be here?”

Vanjie took off his shoes, and Brooke put his book away. He had been reading a beat up copy of The Picture of Dorian Grey , one of his old ballet company pals giving it to him when he had been in New York two weeks ago and they had had time for coffee. Brooke knew the days where he would be able to meet up with old friends almost whenever he wanted were numbered as January crept closer and closer, their season going on air any moment now.

Brooke had started his book the day before at the hotel he had staying at for the past two days, Vanjie telling him he couldn’t be around when WOW came. They had wanted the raw experience, wanted to follow Vanjie around doing everything he normally did in a day, and since Brooke was on that list, they had no choice but to make sure he wasn’t an option.

“So we’re done pretending I don’t exist?” Brooke had meant it to be a joke, the words rolling off his tongue without any ill intent behind them.

“Oh year, cause this is all my decision.”

Vanjie walked past Brooke, not even leaning in for a kiss before he made his way into the house.

“What the..”

Brooke got up, following Vanjie to the bedroom Brooke had begun to think of as theirs, the red and blue walls not something Brooke would never have picked for himself, the weird collection of plush toys and the fake flowers all adding to the interesting decor, but Brooke had come to think of the room as home in L.A. Of course he would have prefered to stay with Vanjie, to really get to know what he was like when he woke up in his own bed, in his own house, doing his own thing just like Vanjie had been able to in Nashville with him, in Brooke’s own condo, Vanjie getting to spend time there with just him and his cats as they had shared long post weekend breaks together, before one or both of them had to fly off for gigs.

“Jose, I was just joking.”

Vanjie’s home in L.A was a room at Alexis’s house, the two of them living together ever since Vanjie had almost broken his neck on his asshole of an ex years before. Brooke hadn’t even met Alexis yet, at least not as Vanjie’s boyfriend; the two knew each other as competitors, Brooke wiping the floor with Alexis when they had both participated in the same pageant, and Brooke had gotten yet another crown to add to his growing stash at home. He wanted to meet Vanjie’s drag mother, wanted to be introduced properly to a person that was so important in Vanjie’s life, but he couldn’t. Not when Alexis hadn’t signed an NDA, the risk was simply too great, and Brooke wasn’t one for risks, even less when he knew what he could lose.

“Well it’s not fucking funny, okay?”

Vanjie sighed, sitting down on the bed, taking his hat off and throwing it on the nightstand. Brooke closed the door behind them, locking it too for good measure.

“I almost fucked up so many times. I looked like a fucking idiot.”

Jason had texted Brooke little updates through the day, laughing emojis telling Brooke that Vanjie had no idea what soiled meant, “recordering” getting added to Brooke’s ever growing note of things he had every intention of sharing with Nina the next time he got the chance, but he was pretty sure this wasn’t simply because of one of Vanjie’s numerous mispronunciations.

“Are you okay?”

“Not really no.” Brooke sat down on the bed, Vanjie leaning against him, resting his head on Brooke’s shoulder. “I kinda feel like shit.”

“You look fine.”

“Well, I ain’t feeling fine.” Vanjie snorted, Brooke saw his happy boyfriend for a moment, before Vanjie slumped back into the somber and frankly weird mood he had been in since he walked in the door. Vanjie kicked his feet a little, hitting Brooke’s suitcase.

“It’s just.. It’s real fucking hard.”

Brooke pressed a gentle kiss to Vanjie’s hair, his dark locks curling slightly from the heat outside.

“I’m not an actress, I don’t do no improv and shit.”

“I know.” Brooke got another snort, neither of them looking forward to the copious acting challenges they knew without a doubt that they had fucked up, and fucked up good on TV. “But you did do pretty good.”

They had almost been caught when Mayhem had filmed, neither of them even considering that WOW would be interested in them too. Brooke was beyond surprised when Mayhem had come to visit him with the cameras rolling since he was a nobody in the eyes of the Drag Race viewer. They had almost made it out clear, but Vanjie had been caught on his way to the bathroom, both of them convinced Mayhem had already left, Brooke already naked in the shower and waiting for Vanjie when he had suddenly heard voices from down the hall. Vanjie thankfully cranked the charm up to 11 and keeping everyone distracted, which was how he had even gotten his own segment in the first place; the cameraman fell absolutely in love with Vanjie from the moment he walked by in his little towel.

“If it was just me, and I had gone fucked up, I’d be like ‘fine ho, whatever, I don’t care,’ but it ain’t even my crown on the line.”

Brooke knew Vanjie was having a hard time, couldn’t even imagine what the other one was going through. Vanjie wasn’t used to keeping anything quiet, his thoughts, his feelings, his likes and his dislikes, Vanjie’s mouth getting him in more problems than Brooke could count, but that was who Vanjie was at his very core. Loud, honest, brilliant, and bright.

“I know.” The words felt fake, like wool and deceit.

“You don’t.”

It was true. Brooke didn’t know, and he never would. When Brooke had placed in the top three, he had been overjoyed, even the thought of winning Drag Race exhilarating. It would be a whole new adventure for him, a new stepping stone, a way to renew his artform and seek new challenges, his six pageant wins feeling more and more stale as the years went by. What he hadn’t even considered, were the months and months and months of not being able to tell anyone about what he had never expected to find on the show. Love.

“God, I hate this.” Vanjie groaned, bending forward, hiding his head in his heads. “We haven’t even done press yet, and I’m already failing. How the fuck am I supposed to keep my shit together?”

“You’re going to do what you do best.” Brooke stroked Vanjie’s back. “You’re going to be Vanessa Vanjie Mateo, and you’ll be amazing.”

Vanjie looked up, and Brooke’s heart almost broke in pieces, the look in his boyfriend’s eyes not only defeated, but also sad.

“Can I maybe… You know… Just be Jose for a while?”

“Of course, baby.” Brooke took Vanjie’s chin in hand, gently leading Vanjie up and into a kiss. “Of course.”

#rpdr fanfiction #branjie #brooke lynn hytes #vanessa vanjie mateo #angst #fluff #thedane #canon compliant

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starfxckersinc · 5 years

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can i get some gay classics recommendations?

I don’t particularly read like, LGBT books bc I kinda just read whatever I end up with, but I do watch tons of LGBT films so I’ll hit u with that.

1. My Own Private Idaho, a brilliant film, one of my favorites. The main character is a gay man(I intend to give u the specific orientations of the main characters in case u want some specific representation) and deals with themes of abuse, abandonment, mental illness, unrequited love, homelessness, etc.

2. Brokeback Mountain- The “gay cowboy movie”, the two main characters are gay men trying to uphold a relationship in(I believe?) 50’s rural America. broke my heart mountain

3. Pink Narcissus- One of those art films with no plot. I saw a terrible copy while half asleep & on meds and it still blew my mind with how beautiful it was. the main character is a cute twink and I kin him.

4. Velvet Goldmine- My favorite movie of all time, there really is no main character but all of them are LGBT. It has huge bisexual representation, it’s beautiful beautiful beautiful, it’s partially based on the lives of David Bowie, Lou Reed, and Iggy Pop. Half the script is Oscar Wilde quotes.

5. Kill Your Darlings- A pretty innacurate but fun none the less movie about the beat poets(Kerouac, Ginsberg, Burroughs) centering mainly on Ginsberg. Everybody is fucking gay. I love it.

6. Shortbus- Directed by John Cameron Mitchell and uh, filled with porn, I haven’t seen the whole thing but I respect it so much bc it’s campy and everyone’s homo and it’s a ride. Literally.

7. Liquid Sky- Canon bisexual characters, plays seriously with gender, will make u feel so valid as a genderqueer person, weird plot, GREAT clothes, I love Anne Carlisle.

8. The Runaways(2010), a biopic abt the all girl band The Runaways. Bc the characters are teens and it kinda deals w them dealing w repressed bisexuality I think it’s really important for teen girls to watch. It meant a lot to me.

9. Trainspotting/Trainspotting 2: Neither Of these r explicitly gay but Renton is coded bisexual and he & Sick Boy are practically married by the end of the 2nd one so. Really makes u wanna shave ur head.

10. Desert Hearts- Adorable lesbian movie abt two gays in the desert. Really sweet, really poignant, Cay is SO cute, and I loved the whole thing.

11. Women In Revolt- Two of the main characters are bi, Candy is straight.....? Maybe they’re all bi. I have no idea. Not v important. It’s an Andy Warhol movie & the three main characters r played by trans women(Candy Darling, Holly Woodlawn, Jackie Curtis), all three of whom have ended up being pretty major in LGBT history. Aside from that they’re just really cool girls, especially Candy, who’s my favorite of course. This movie is hilarious and fun and the ending is stellar and I think a very good representation of accidental brilliance.

12. Some Of My Best Friends Are...- Candy is in this one too and gives, no doubt, one of the most moving performances I’ve seen in any film ever. It’s centered around a gay club at New Years(I think? May be Christmas, it’s been a while since I’ve seen it) and it’s just. She’s the best part but all of it is fascinating. Major trigger warning for trans violence though.

13. Aimee and Jaguar- Absolutely fucking heartbreaking but one of the most compelling wlw films I’ve ever seen in my life. Takes place in Nazi Germany- A relationship between a Nazi sergeants wife and a Jewish woman. You can imagine how it ends.

14. Fried Green Tomatoes- I FUCKING LOVE THIS MOVIE AND THE BOOK IS EVEN BETTER. Bisexual/Lesbian relationship, not explicit in the film but explicit in the novel. However you can still tell they’re gay in the film so, not that bad. Takes place in 1920’s Alabama so there’s a lot of racial stuff to sit through obviously. I don’t know if you’re in the mood to deal with that, so.

15. The Color Purple- This movie messed me up for two whole days, I read the book and it didn’t affect me half as much. It’s beautiful. A lesbian relationship between two black women in the South in I believe the 1910’s, though the relationship isn’t even as important as what’s going on in the foreground. The ending is happy though and that’s a change. It just tears you up but it has the decency to fix itself, I only ever saw it once a year ago but I’m desperate to see it again.

16. Hedwig and the Angry Inch- this movie saved my life when I was 14 and has such a fascinating story regarding gender, it’s kind of short but it’s packed with JAMS(it’s a musical) and Hedwig Robinson is my real mom. I don’t wanna spoil anything but yeah, trans rock diva from Germany tells her tale, just watch it.

17. Wilde- Biographical film abt Oscar Wilde. Watch it. Inhale it.

18. Orlando- I read the book for this one too but I prefer the movie!! More cool nb gender shit!! I love it!! Watch it!! Tilda Swinton kisses some Russian chick and it’s wild!! Best thing ever. Roll with it.

19. Two Of Us- Ok so I know it’s not cool to like The Beatles rn but uh, if you do like them, this is a film about John Lennon and Paul McCartney that speculates on a visit between them after the Beatles broke up. It’s. So gay. Paul makes John cry by telling him he’s beautiful. John kisses him in an elevator as a “”””joke””””. I LOVED it when I was 14 and I recently rewatched it, very entertaining.

#aberdeen spoken word

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