found out today i’ve been diaphragm breathing by default and have to focus-struggle to chest breathe, and that’s possibly part of why i find guided breathing so disregulating
(that, and “i’m gonna give instructions your body can’t help but semi-follow no matter how much you try not to because you literally have to keep breathing” is just. bodily autonomy feels bad. the ocd and ptsd are just canaries in the coal mine of bodily autonomy)
it’s especially funny cuz i’ve wondered if the reason i’ve felt like my chest goes kinda concave-feel unable to breathe deep enough is dysphoria or an aftereffect of binding (for two years over a decade ago) but no.
no, it’s that i gotta work the chest breathing muscles, intentionally, whereas apparently most folks need to focus to diaphragm breathe and the point is do both
really think i need to take a t break soon but lord above if i can’t smoke weed while finishing this job… maybe i’ll just do it during summer. or when i get my art teaching job. cause that’s HAPPENING !!!!!!! FUCK !!!!!!!!! I WILL BE TEACHING ART NEXT YEAR !!!!! lol like i cannot be a para next year it is not the direction i want to take my career. and lisa is honestly so hard to work with i cannot. anyway. t break coming soon along with better job and better health and i WILL break this cycle !!!! i will find and make better choices and possibilities !!!!!!!!!!!! lol
I've gotten a LOT done on my paper so far so I'm proud of that, but my fear is cutting it all back out again due to length, plus I really need 5-10 more references from 2019 or sooner and so far both papers I've referenced do not fit that
how am I supposed to stay under 45 pages double spaced when I also have to have 25 recent references in my lit review AND have a comprehensive analysis of my intervention and its effects on my students??? (then again, I am the type of person who doesn't understand how people can fit journaling into their morning routines bc I'll fill PAGES once I start writing)
I had my yogurt bowl and coffee for first breakfast (~200) and then homemade waffles from my mom that I had in my freezer for second breakfast ~4 hours later (proud of waiting that long, too!); had a coffee with a single serving of caramel cold cream from a spray bottle on top, and wow is 10 grams of that not a lot; I had to add an extra splash of milk to actually enjoy my coffee after all; waffles (two squares from one of those four square waffle makers, with margarine and sugar free syrup) and coffee all together were ~300, and I ended up not finishing them bc I was full!! (not gonna subtract any tho ;) )
which, while I feel full, it's like my need for taste sensation isn't satisfied yet? I'm going to have water with mio 0 c sweet tea flavoring added, which I've been trying and seems to work well; I guess I'm going to become a flavored water person??
my meal entertainment today has been annika's leaf vlogs, which are the perfect blend of aesthetic and realistic; yes, her breakfast is instagrammable and her gym sets match, but she still has to clean up crumbs and there are random vegetables smashed into the mats she has to avoid?? I mention her here bc I had a mini revelation: she went with a friend and got fancy 'coffee' (barely) drinks and cake from a cute cafe, had SOME of her drink while there, and then TOOK THE CAKE HOME FOR LATER
she didn't even try it at the cafe; she featured it next to her drink at the cafe in the vlog, and that was it! maybe this seems obvious to everyone else, but it never occurred to me that while yes, I can get the fancy cake from the cafe an hour from my house while I'm there with a friend, I don't have to eat it right then and there!!! sometimes I'd get nauseous feeling like I HAD to try and eat what I ordered wherever we were even tho I wasn't really hungry, and I didn't even realize this was an option!!
I feel like this is a holdover from being a kid; you HAD to get whatever it was right then and there with your mom/aunt/whoever bc who knew when you'd get to go back, but then my family at least would judge you for being wasteful if you didn't finish it NOW; I feel like this might be different for someone with a different family or regional culture, but food as a souvenir really was not a thing in my family, and now I'm understanding how that may have impacted my long term relationship with food: order everything you like the taste of NOW, bc you might NEVER get to have it again, and if you don't finish it before you leave that's WASTEFUL (and yes, we were a 'clean plate club' household, how did you guess? lmao)
I don't think I'll be able to address this aspect of my relationship with food until I've sorted out my finances (aka gotten a better paying job) and have more free time to go to these fun food places regularly and prove to myself that yes I can go back whenever I want so there's no need to gorge myself right now immediately
ugh, I wanna finish this paper but I don't want to go back to working on it ;_; ;_; ;_; I guess I could load the dishwasher at least??
After visiting the bookstore, and returning to the Palace, there was discomfort for a while when Light and Nox met Shining again, and joined them for dinner, where Light told Twila why they travelled here.
Learning about their research, the young Princess told Light about her Uncle, who also knew of strange tunnels, of which Light made a note, along with the name of her friend, who they did and did not know.
Dinner passed swiftly, and Light and Eclipse snuck into the Archives, where they were almost caught. A spell turned Light invisible, but it hurt them as well. While they rested, Nox came by to visit Light.
While they headed out for an evening walk, where they told each other about their actions, 'borrowing' classified documents, Boom was in Ponyville Palace, where he and Spike found the journal of Starswirl.
Though, after asking the Wizard for a copy of his journal, Boom idly mentioned the Valley he and Light had travelled to, terrifying the Pillars, telling them about his past life, including the foul dagger.
Research resumed the following day, though during the night, tensions arose between Nox and Light over a misunderstanding, but with patience and compassion, the bond between them and Luna was stronger now.
But spending the night awake, after their morning walk with Luna, and breakfast, Eclipse told Light of a letter sent to them, which none knew how to translate. Even worse, it hurt all who were close to it.
Growing frustrations back at Ponyville Palace made Mage Meadowbrook take action, forcing both Boom and Starswirl outside to calm down. They visited Zecora, whom they asked for advice for this tough moment.
As they returned, soaked by a torrent of rain, Rockhoof and Meadowbrook sent word to the other Pillars to call for their aid. When they had made amends, they received word the others would arrive, tonight.
Then, Boom, Rockhoof and Starswirl were sent out for groceries, when Boom lost track of Starswirl, and ran to the Forest to find him, meeting Zecora along the way. In the old Palace, they found the Wizard.
Now, in understanding, Zecora and the Ancient Unicorns are heading back to town…
Featuring:
Boomlord from @thedumbguywithaheart43
Nox Lunarwing from @nox-lunarwing
Solar Eclipse and Twilight Sparkle as Twilight Eclipse from @asktwilighteclipse
Princess Twila from @twila-bloggin and @vaderssolace
(Three hundred episodes already, and getting close to a full year of writing! I've grown so much over the last period of time, and I've got so many people to thank!)
(Thank you so, *so* incredibly much to everyone, for reading, leaving messages, sending in asks or requests, for all your support! It truly means a lot to me!)
(As always, if you would like a story about your character, the ask box is open, so feel free to send a request!)
idk what I would do without my journal. I use it to set goals, write myself motivational affirmations and jot down new ideas. I'm sure it can help you as well. Repeat after me: I AM A MONEY MAGNET 🧲💰
I kinda want to start bloggin again, like writing on here. But i do write in a journal. maybe i'll do both? it wont hurt anything. it's just for me any way. I just need to be careful not to delete my profile again. I'm not sure if i should make another tumblr page for it. im not sure. i'll chew on it.
the more time i spend around men who just knuckle down and bear tremendous hardship without complaining - the jewish men in my life, mine workers, bears, leathermen -
the more i am increasingly “oh. oh, it really is power that was always the problem in my interactions.“ including when i have had power-over, because that impacts how they react to me
and the more i really love and relate to these gentle, quiet, “stoic” men and treasure seeing them get to be out of their shells and louder