#ive been the one initiating conversations because im not busy and i like talking to him

[unimportantweirdo]

he's got 3 hours before our snapchat streak ends so he better hurry the fuck up

#this sounds petty #and it is #but #i talk to him every day #for nearly 1000 days now #and yes i get hes busy with his job and his uni work and family stuff #but could he just send me a message? #like before his shift at work or if he's going to be really busy or just somethjng #*something #so my issues dont start thinking he doesnt want to be friends or he hates me or he just doesnt care about me anymore #ive been the one initiating conversations because im not busy and i like talking to him #i cannot lose him #but the spiteful part of me says 'he doesnt care so why should i'

[qumiiiquinnquin]

i only noticed last week that i start shaking at the thought of having to talk to others

i always knew my social anxiety was bad. but i only started to notice in recent years ((especially after shutdowns in 2020)) that i almost cant talk to people - literally anyone - at all

it wasnt so bad when i was little. i could kind of socialize with kids my age. id mostly be the one to engage first because i wanted to make friends. sometimes i did it with no problems. other times i was pretty anxious when doing so. i worried a lot how others would think of me and what they would say to me or others. but i was mostly by myself and preferred it that way, even if i did get lonely at times. and if other kids engaged with me, i became very anxious and quiet, and would say very little. there was a kid at a park i went to several years ago in colorado and he came up to talk to me while i was on the swing. i felt bad because i wanted to talk, but i was pretty anxious most of the conversation. i only started to open up more near the end before he had to go

i actually had a much easier time talking to teachers throughout preschool (and daycare) up to some point in high school than talking to any of my peers

i know i always had trouble ordering food at places. i always became too nervous and was almost never loud enough for them to hear me. i shut down easily when i have to repeat myself (something im trying to work on) so relatives had to order for me. my stepdad was really understanding throughout my childhood and would always help me order when we would go to subway. family here is much less inclined to help and doesn't like it at all when i lock up when i have to order. it annoys them, and ive been told repeatedly to speak up and to get over my fear

the last place we went to, i almost immediately whipped out my phone to type out my order after i was initially responded with "what?" because she couldn't hear me, but my family was there and i know they would've gotten upset. pissed, probably. likely wouldve had my phone snatched from me. i always try to speak up so they can hear me and i have to just say what i want without thinking about it to avoid clamming up. but i still am shaking and my face turns red because of embarrassment

especially since shutdowns though, talking to people feels impossible. i dont talk to anyone except friends, but even then we run out of things to say and we sit there in silence. school makes you socialize with others a lot, but id almost never speak unless it was a requirement and the teacher would know when someone wasn't speaking, or if i felt too pressured to speak. most times i would either observe or dissociate. ive only gone out twice to shop for myself since shutdowns; one of the times i stuttered extremely bad and came very close to crying out of embarrassment right there at checkout, the other i could barely bring myself to talk and managed to only get half of a "thank you" out (it sounded like an annoyed mumble when i wasnt annoyed at all. i still feel bad about that)

ive turned around from any place that i start to go to, like food places, because im too anxious to go in and especially terrified out of my mind to make an order. im glad my sibling has become more understanding, they've been asking what i want and then ordering it for me while i pay (i feel bad to be very honest). its with my sibling that i have more confidence, but im still too scared to say anything

and this anxiety is carrying over to how i interact with people on social media! i used to not be so afraid to talk to people. but in the past bit over a year replying to any responses i get has become daunting. ive had to stop talking to friends for several days because im busy or mental health shit, but coming back and sending them anything back immediately feels scary, even if i know them well and they know me well. and i end up making the last time we talked extend to several more days. sometimes weeks... sometimes...months. im not trying to ghost people. and i do not like that sending a message back to anyone makes me shake uncontrollably and sweat like i just ran a 10k at full speed without stopping (idfk)

its bothering me lots especially now in college. social interaction is required for certain assignments and participation. but all i can do is sit there, shaking, heart pounding, unable to talk to anybody. we are all adults there, so we are expected to act as such. my extreme social anxiety doesn't fly there and ill likely be told one day that im acting like a child or i need to get used to talking to people or something to that effect

idk how to end this off

#vent #im actually shaking while typing out this whole thing #to be honest i may just go with my plan of starting to write down my orders before i go places and show them when they take our orders #my social anxiety is one of the many reasons why i do not think im cut out for college and why i dont plan on getting a job soon #i wish i could just 'get over' my social anxiety. i wish i could talk to others especially when i need to #idk how. and its not as easy as just telling me to 'get over it.' that actually does nothing but kind of hurt... #long post

[fandomfluffandfuck]

mr s i have a tmi question: since u hve experiences with casual sex, i was wondering how one... eases another person into it? as an awkward ace person ive certainly had opportunities to get into it but ive just refused bc im not rly into it, yknow? so my actual question is if u had any advice on how to initiate w ppl u know irl without sounding too forward? (i guess? u can tell i have no idea how any of this works lol lack of attraction is difficult to navigate)

That's a good question. I don't think it's TMI, lol. It's more just a relationship question to me, haha. Either way, I'm down to talk about it!

First story time, just for shits and giggles:

It depends on who you're having casual sex with, obviously. Some people I've heard of having hard, specific rules and some people have a similar experience to me where it was just... super casual. If there was anything up, we would just talk. We were friends. It's fun. It feels good. It's all chill, y'know?

I've had had a friends with benefits type relationships with two people--both women.

The first time it happened, we had been forming a friendship for a little bit, but we weren't super close or anything. Once, she straight up asked me if I was a virgin (which, in general, yuck, I dislike that terminology so much but whatever) when we were hanging out alone. That dissolved into conversation about sex in general. We came to the conclusion that we were both sex positive and both enjoyed sex. She told me that she had missed sex since she'd broken up with her boyfriend a while ago and hadn't gone out and hooked up with people after or anything. She didn't want to go out and just hook up. Fair enough.

I, half as a joke, half, just, why not said that we could have sex if she ever felt like it. We were friends, and I didn't want to date her, but we got along well so far, plus she was pretty. Why not?

She laughed at first, then asked me if I was serious at all. I told her, yeah, sure, if she wanted to. And... things kind of went from there.

We still talk sometimes, but she moved away, and while I have a lot of friends that are long distance so I'm fine texting and calling. It's not her speed. I have no hard feelings about it. If I'm ever where she is or she's here, I'm sure we'll get together to hang out.

And screwing around with her wasn't an all the time, like, weekly thing. We never met up specifically to fuck around, we would just hang out and then end up fucking occasionally.

(She was a fucking bomb kisser and I have to say she wore very pigmented makeup that would sometimes run and I- I can not tell you how much of A Thing I have for ruining pretty girl's makeup (or anyone's makeup for that matter 😏). It just looks so good messed up. Especially lipstick or eyeshadow/mascara. Jesus.)

The second time it happened, I met this woman in class, so we weren't friends prior. Friendly. But I didn't know her too well. We had talked in class, just chatting, and she emailed me for help on a few assignments because we were put into a cohort for peer-review stuff. Her voice was, just, gorgeous. And she was really smart. She wants to be a teacher. I could probably listen to her to talk for hours. Maybe if we'd gotten to know each other better, we could've dated or something, but we didn't. She graduated at the end of the term and moved onto her new, post-college life. I totally get it.

Anyway, she would compliment me here and there--she liked my hair, my eyes, the rings I wear, and some other stuff. She was really pretty herself, so I'd just reciprocate. Not exactly flirting but also not not flirting, haha.

I asked her if she had a partner, between asking about her life, generally, after we'd finished our work for peer review stuff once. She said she didn't and she asked if she could kiss me. I told her that sounded good. So we kissed, and then we actually went back to working, lmao. No funny business.

We kissed more the next time we met up outside of class. Literally, just taking a break from studying.

And, I don't know... dating never came up? It was one of those situations where we were alone and were kissing and more or less doing some heavy petting. Then it seemed just like it'd be a good time to keep going and I do like eating pussy, so I offered, she said yes. She actually complimented me on my skills the same way she had complimented me before and I laughed because... who wouldn't? She was sweet.

Then, the next time we got together, she asked if I'd do it again. She exchanged phone numbers and fucked around a few more times. Not too many times, though.

Funnily enough, I think my favorite thing that happened between us was when we were in class, and I licked my lips because... yeah. Sometimes you do. And she jabbed her fingers into my side to make me stop 💀💀 I choked, trying not to laugh too hard in front of everyone (and we did go to her car after class 👀).

(Also, I just have to confess that she was so, so good. She would stay still if I told her to, even when I went down on her. She also would stay basically silent if I told her to make not sounds, no matter what I did to her 👀 It was fucking incredible.)

Second, advice:

Again, it depends on the person. Some people want the straightforward version where there is an agreement, a conversation, and some people probably are more just about letting things flow naturally.

If you feel like you want a direct conversation, it might be better to just have that direct conversation so you can find someone who wants the same thing, so there would be the least amount of confusion possible. If you're content to let it flow... I don't know. That's harder. You can wait for conversations that shift in the direction of sex or push conversations that way.

I mean, maybe don't go, "hey, have you heard of this thing called causal sex? We should do that!" But you also could. Whatever you feel like.

If someone doesn't want to or refuses, that's them. They're allowed to say no. Try not to feel too defeated or rejected. There's a million reasons someone might not want to. It doesn't need to be a result of something with you. Y'know? (Not that I think you'll have a problem with that, knowing you've turned down causal sex yourself.)

If I were you, though, I think I might go for the direct conversation. Being on the ace spectrum makes sexuality different from allosexual people, obviously, and if you're going to fuck around with allosexual people it may come in handy to lay out, hey, this is what's going on with me, these are the feelings I have.

The people I've casually fucked have all known that I have a weird thing with sex where there needs to be some type of kink or power dynamic or something more than just strictly "vanilla sex" for me to be interested because... I don't know, that's just how I work 🤷🏻‍♂️ That and I'm not immediately in for being gotten off during sex. Sure, it's nice, but I'd much rather be getting the other person off. It's just more fun. And having said those things out loud to those women, it was much more fun because of that.

In conclusion... did I help? Or did I just tell you stories about the people I've fucked? I don't know. Hopefully, I helped. Or, hopefully, I at least gave you something to think about.

P.S. Everyone is awkward, you'll be okay, sweetheart!

#personal #asks #thoughts #tmi

[existingispetty]

Hi! Can i request a matchup with a Bsd and Assassination classroom male? Im a female , INTP, capricorn sun and aries moon, capricorn rising, Initially im very quite and serious but when we get to know each well enough i can be talkative playful and energetic. I get excited easily and ive been told that im very gullible and don't doubt anything im told (not street smart). Im very straight forward but when it comes to what im thinking and i get embarrassed easily and tsundere is something i get called a lot too .

I just have a hard time being vulnerable cuz i wanna come off as strong and reliable even tho I am prone to being careless and naive but i love being someone my friends and family can rely on and i try to be a good listener even if i suck at verbalizing things myself. I act tough but secretly want to be taken care of and be spoiled (not that ill ever admit it). Im passionate about my job and hobbies which include drawing or writing.

Likes - Food, music, walks, watching sports, people who are good listeners bc usually im the one who listens most of the time when my friends ralk so its nice be listened to as well.

Dislike- clingy people, indecisiveness, people who are moody or way too emotionally dependent , instability, gray relationships, tardiness.

Thank you 💕

Hello! Thank y oh for the ask! I apologize for the wait! I’ve been both very tired and busy lately. I hope you enjoy.

+++++++++++++++++++++++

Your matchup is…

Doppo Kunikida 

Kunikida can be a little naive when you’re a persuasive person.  Kunikida isn’t the most talkative he is much more of a listener that adds in his own comments every once and a while.  Kunikida isn’t exactly a  tsundere but he gets flustered very easily and he tries to hide it.

We’ve seen the entire agency put their trust in Kunikida because of how reliable he is.   Kunikida is very patient about not only his morals but his hobbies as well. As we all know Kunkida is a big writer. Kunikida is anything but clingy, he’s not cold he just would rather you be independent. Kunikida is only tardy when Dazai hold him back forcibly. 

Tadaomi Karasuma

Karasuma appears intimidating and has a terrible sense of humor but he’s much softer once you get to know him. Karasuma is brutally honest… he also gets flustered way too easily but he’s decent at containing it. 

Karasuma has learned to hide his emotions for his occupation so you won’t see him emotional very often. Karasuma struggles to communicate his emotions a lot. Karasuma dosent have many hobbies but there hobbies he does have he does them very often.  

Karasuma loves activity being active makes him feel productive. Karasuma isn’t the best at conversations so listening is preferred. Karasuma has never been the type to depend on others. He may seem grumpy 24/7 but he just isn’t very good at displaying how he feels. Tardiness isn’t a word is Karasumas mind. He is always on time. 

#bungo stray dogs #bungou stray dogs #bungou stay dogs matchup #assassination classroom #assasination classroom matchup #matchup

[graceful-not]

Grace I know you have had your life busy for a while but.

Like I really miss how we talked for hours on end. We don't do that anymore.

The last time we've really talked about anything was like 6 months ago, and now it's just you sometimes responding when I ask about your interests

I've been avoiding saying this for fear of sounding weird but. I've been waiting for the day that you decide to talk to me for an extended period of time again. I think about you a lot.

And I worry that you might not want to be friends anymore, not because you dislike me, but because you've moved on and can't really fit me into your life anymore.

And I wouldn't be mad at you for feeling that way. But it kinda feels like you're avoiding talking to me to avoid hurting my feelings

And it's really hard to hear you say that you miss me too and you don't want to ignore me but like gets in the way and you have discord silenced and all that. And you never say that you'll change anything but you always seem to imply that you'll try to talk to me more

And then you don't follow up

So I feel like it would be easier if you could just. Tell me. Say that you think we should go out separate ways and live our lives. Because while I think it would suck to hear, it'd suck more if I just kept waiting to talk to you and it never happens. I don't want to wait anymore.

You don't have to respond to this specific ask. I highly doubt you would want to anyway. But I can't think of another way to reach you that I'm sure you'll hear. I'm trying to understand but I don't. So please talk to me about something. Anything at all, I don't care

STARLO.....,,,,, STARLOOOO

IM SO SORRYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

I KNOW IVE BEEN KIND OF A SHIT FRIEND TO YOU AND IM SO SO SORRY FOR THAT RAUGHR...

ok ok composing myself. I haven't been being the kind of friend that you deserve and I honestly don't know if I've ever been the kind of friend that you deserve. I WAS avoiding responding to your tags when you reblog my posts but that was not and never has been out of a lack of interest in talking to you. It was because I felt guilty at the fact that I hadn't had a real conversation with you in so long, and I felt like only ever talking to you when you initiate would be so shallow, give off the impression that I only cared about talking to you when you were directly engaging in my interests which is like the EXACT OPPOSITE of the truth!! I love talking to you for YOU!! And I felt like YOU felt like the only way you could connect with me was through my own interests which. I don't ever want you to feel like that!! Because that's one sided and sucky and it's an awful situation to be in! And I love you and didn't want to make the situation worse and reinforce that idea and it ALSO felt super sucky to ignore the entire fact of us not having talked in so long so I just didn't. Say anything. I waited for The Magical Day where I would have enough energy to strike up a convo again and address all of it.

And.. I shouldn't have done that. I've been kind of UnawareTM of time for the past few months and us not having talked isn't something that's your fault at all. I've been neglecting most of my relationships for those few months and. aurgrhrjgehrhrhshdjehe. AHH! this is hard sjdbsjbd.

You shouldn't have had to wait so long for me to suck it up and actually treat you with the respect and consideration that you DESERVE from me, as a friend. And I'm sorry that you did. And I'm sorry that I haven't been improving in communication despite the fact that I tell you I'll "try to talk more" or "check discord more" and a thousand other excuses I've probably given you at this point. I do want you to know that I don't lie when I say that I miss you. Because I do. and I DO think about you in my day to day life and I do reminisce and I do consider you someone important to me!

But.. yeah. I'm sorry. No more false promises from now on, Starlo. I don't know if I'm in a mental state yet to go back to the way we were and the frequency we talked back then. I think I need more time. BUT. I won't be avoiding you anymore. We'll talk. Not as much, maybe, but we'll talk.

Thanks for, y'know. Telling me about all this. I'm glad we can be honest with eachother, man. 💜🫀💖✨.

#grace answers asks #You're. important to me #i go back and reread the unanswered asks from you more often than i probably should ahdjsbdhsvsvs #I know i give off a kind of warm/friendly vibe. And i would like to think i AM warm and friendly. But. I'm really bad at stuff like this #shdjsgdhsvs. #Vulnerability has never been a strong suit of mine

[cybermeep]

a prominent issue i seem to have with breaks— i.e winter break, spring break, etc, is that im generally not busy during these times. which sounds.. pleasant! and it is, to an extent. when one is given subsequently too much time, in this case the one being myself, i have to resort to plucking at straws to keep myself sane. i will try to get out of the house, of course, but even then i seem to have too many waking hours with far less communication than i believe i can handle.

and, if how i function as an individual says anything, i need a balanced amount of both solitude and time spent with others. the issue with this is that i tend to be picky with who i choose.. which leads into my main talking point; i seem to have a prominent desire to simply have a conversation with someone, but not a industry standard conversation. what i mean by this is that i don’t wish to talk in a ‘nice weather we’re having, how are you?’ kind of way; in a direct and abrupt way with little formalities. i wish to be asked things directly, like how i may feel about death or my opinion on certain topics of discussion, and i wish to truly speak to someone. we don’t have to align per se, they can absolutely hate my interests & despise me for all that matter, but i would still be content with an interesting conversation if it was one which didn’t include yelling. i don’t like loud noises..

of course, i’m unsure why i say this here; if i want a conversation such as this, why don’t i initiate? i do try, but my options are limited. a girl whom i know i could discuss something such as this with, randomly bring up topics i guess, but i shouldn’t rely on her as someone to constantly talk to if it becomes annoying & am afraid a direct question out of the blue could be seen as off putting and thus i cause issues. i also have a certain boy i could talk to, i still need to wish him a happy holidays & discuss dune, but i’ve been far too stuck on what to say. i have a friend i texted happy holidays to, but they didn’t ever get back to me; they aren’t doing well mentally and i don’t know if my small attempts at banter are only making them worse. i’ve tried telling them various times ive been going through a plethora of things, but because of my sometimes spontaneous schedule of getting back to messages it can be unhelpful for them to talk with me. i could try to talk with peers on other social media platforms, but nothing ever seems to fit the quota & i feel more weird than i do comfortable initiating a conversation randomly that isn’t an industry standard, because suddenly barging into someones DMs and saying hey how do you feel about the satanic panic in the 80s or something random could be socially inappropriate.

tldr; i seem to be stuck in a cycle of wanting interesting interactions but never getting one as i am both not able to have these conversations without coming off as off putting & also am pathetically bored by small talk for extended periods of time with people over & over again

#cybers tangents

[midnightmisadventures]

Hi everyone im on tour

Did somebody say new beginning? lmaooo

Im so lucky and blessed. Currently staying in my own room in an airbnb in nashville with a bunch of people who want do what i do.

Its really so cool. Trying to take it all in

But alas....ive been so busy i havent been giving dream updates, and lemme tell you theyre INSANE

One i had erikka was asking me whats Liams sisters name? and i was like lmao which one. And to narrow it down, i was like hair color? and she said brown and i was like okay brings it to two. And then she explained some post??? And i was like okay okay its def *******

Last night Liam and i were in that dormy collegey white coursey dreamscape and we had like a minor minor disagreement? so small but went back and forth for a sec but stopped so it wouldnt escalate and we were in front of ppl. So then we split off and he texted me "hey can we talk" and it was like under the guise of talking about the little disagreement but i knew that, it would mean we were finally having our deep conversation. Like this is it.

So....im not sure actually but sometime after that or during, i saw him, by elevators and i wasnt wearing pants. And we were talking about where to meet, cause we wanted to be away from people and have a place to sit down and get into it. So we picked the place and we were about to go but i was like "uh can i put on pants first" and he was like yea lmaoo

So then i went to room, i even think we rode the elevator together which is ICONIC. But i remember it feeling awkward, nervous and flightly because we both knew the conversation we were gonna have. So even though we had positive feelings towards eachother we were silent. And i could barely look at him. We hadnt seen eachother for a while and it was just so intense. So we rode in silence till i got to my floor and went to my room.

Then in my room i was freaking out like HOLY SHIT ARIELLE WE DID IT. WE'RE FINALLY FUCKING DOING IT ITS HERE, ive never waited longer for something but i still didnt expect this and im so glad he finally initiated it and wooo. its here. So....i was trying to be quick? but doing much more than putting on pants, like i changed completely was doing my hair, singing lights on etc lol. But i finished and starting heading downstairs to meet him

But i remember it was like 248 in the morning but i didnt care cause watevs. So i guess i took long enough getting ready that liam was able to chicken out and he texted me "you know what, dont worry about it, we'll talk tomorrow, its late anyway, i'll have time to smoke b4 we talk and that will be better" listed a bunch of excuses and basically just said tomorrow

And i was like nooooooooooo. pls no plsssss, i dont remember if i sent it but i drafted a text back that was like "no liam please can we do it tonight, im already downstairs, and i feel we've been waiting to talk forever can we just do it tonight"

like my heart was shattered. But then i remember being like....it is late. And whats just one more day, its tomorrow for sure, i can wait one more day

Meanwhile the next day i dont hear from him, i keep checking my phone and i was just like :(

Thats it, but isnt that crazy symbolic. That must be exactly whats going on right now. He keeps psyching himself up then backing out last minute

[legendaryoikawa]

make out with med student!sakusa

warnings: slightly nsfw, profanities, grammar errors

note: requested by @henny-in-the-hamptons i hope you enjoy this, i apologize too if this took so long to be released hdhdhdhd (anyways i had to open my anatomy book and i was reviewed as well oml)

how did u guys meet:

so here’s our tall and favorite germaphobe lmao

but you love him even though he’s aloof and comes out like he doesn’t give a fuck

well he does, he hates crowds, a highkey misanthropist but he give exception doe ;))

we know who it is,,,, u hdhdbdhdbdhdbhd <333

you guys dated because u asked him out in this college party and you just wanted to shoot your shot because apparently you are crushing for him for years yet sakusa is like a fucking rock,,,, and bold of u to assume he’ll ask u out >:P

but anywaaaays,,, ur hardwork paid off especially when he pulled his mask midway down his lips

and looked at you directly and said “okay,,”

he’s cold but WHATEVER

at least you made the king agree on going out as ur date for the college party

alexa pls please play bOom Boom BOOm BOOm I wanT U IN MY RoOM skksks

and ur heart is really beating loud especially when he lean slowly to match ur height jdhdhddb

and the way the butterflies roamed in ur stomach when he dragged out the words of “okay” to you,, 

like his voice is like husky but laced with confusion and amusement?? yes okay yes.

so let us zoooooooooom at the party

it isn’t hard to spot sakusa in the college gym because he stands out in a way you don’t expect him to be

like,,,,,,,,,,,,,, homeboy has his hands tucked in his jacket, his mf mask (stan sakusa for a cute 2020) and his curls and His MOLeS JSJBDJ

it was awkward at first especially when u tried to initiate some good topics to start with him 

But HE IS DRY SMH >:(((((((((((((((((((((

but U r moRe than willing to converse w hIm no matter how DRY HE TAKES <3 

but it was heart warming for u especially when he really tried to socialize despite him hating social gatherings in general,,,,

but this is getting long but U gOt sakusa the great to confess to after u have showed to him how persistent U r no matter how hard he wipes u off with his alcohol spray

u have germs but according to him,,,,, 

“u r my only germ <333″ 

ODJBFHJVDHJVDS <333333333333333333333333 

while making out : NSFW !!!!!!

okay so,, makeouts are rare because he IS a med student and let’s be frank he has more time with his books than u

most of his classes are overloaded and he’ll come home dead tired 

or if ur lucky he’ll kiss u then go straight up to work on his assignments

but u do understand because he told u that he cannot commit his hundred percent attention to u and u were like 

“I understand”

but there are times that you will just miss him so hard and u can’t do anything about it so u just let the night slip like the usual 

but of course sakusa is well aware of this and it makes him feel bad but he tried to think of ways to make it up to u

and an idea strikes him,,,, he has an upcoming anatomy exam

;)))))))))))))))))))))))))

he will call u out like,, “hey..”

 and of course you will be so shocked because that was the first time in weeks he paid attention to you and you were like “:O,,,, oh hey babe, what’s up?”

“come here..”

“huh whereee?”

“in.my.room quick!”

and the you yeeted yourself out just to ran all the way in his room

and u were slightly nervous yet excited because,,,, ur not gullible lmao

and then you found him removing his jacket and he’s left with just his fitted top and his varsity shorts

those short SHORTS that r the fabric of sin because god ThOSE FUCkIng THIGHs?

anyways he asked if he could use u as his basis for his anatomy test 

and you were like,,,,,,,,, yeah of course

at first it was pure and serious because he will point things like

“okay his is the clavicle” while pointing at your collarbones and the way ur body shivers after his touch is just = sexual tension

and then it escalates till you ask him what is this certain bone and he couldn’t answer u because

he’s turned on big time 

and was like “fuck this shit, let me study in my own ways” while muttering deeply to himself and proceeded to grab you by the jaw :o

and begins giving you open mouthed kiss while caressing your sides 

then he pointed out,, “this is your platysma” while kissing a part somewhere in your neck 

“do u know why my fucking mouth is attacking you with kisses? it’s because the masseter is the one moving by closing the jaw by elevating the mandible”

“turn around for me”

and you did and he began running his hands thru your back

and after every muscle he names he leaves a kiss or worst a hickey because “it’s my mark so i can remember which is which”

and then he will purposely start all over again from the top of naming your body parts till you got so irritated and pulled him in 

and <3

you can feel his hands roaming around, slightly cupping your breasts while he named it as “i love your mammary gland”

it sounded wrong but scientifically it is right lmao

“we’re still not yet in reproductive system but i can advance study...”

sorry if this took long enough to create,, online classes just started and I tried to squeeze this in despite my heavy schedule lmao but anyways i am already close to 1k and im seriously happy and touched for all those who followed, and supported my fics even if they’re not the best among all,,, from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much!

for those mutuals that i have talked to, i couldn’t reach out to you all because ive been busy with stuff lately but i love u all, always! anyways, i hope everyone will support the other works im planning to release in the future! love lots!

#haikyuu #haikyuu!! #haikyū!! #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu x reader #sakusa #sakusa x reader #sakusa x y/n #sakusa x you #sakusa headcanons #sakusa smut #sakusa fluff #sakusa oneshot #haikyuu x you #haikyuu oneshots #haikyuu fanfiction #haikyuu headcanons #haikyuu smut #haikyuu x y/n

[seductiveheadcrab]

tumblr is the perfect place to complain when you dont want to bother anyone innit

i was just sitting here minding my own business when suddenly i got upset over how a lot of my old friends just forgot about me. and while i try to reach out from time to time it never lasts and it feels horrible to always be the first person to initiate a conversation. i try to make new friends but its so hard for me to be consistent with talking to people and its rare that anyone reaches out first so ive just been sad about this situation for months now

i am the kind of person who likes to spend a lot of time on their own and doesnt mind loneliness that much, but it doesnt mean i despise friendly interactions. its not like i dont have any friends to talk to, but i cant be reliant on one person all of the time

honestly, being shy is just the worst thing ever

while i do not want to throw shade on anyone, its annoying when people say they relate because its so obvious to me that they dont understand in the slightest when i see them all giggly with a couple of other people on that same day

edit:

just as a note, im not angry at my friends, just more at myself that i was never able to forge strong enough bonds with them to begin with

#im just venting because im sad dont mind me

[timextoxhajima]

death to 2020

cause fuck 2020 lmao

disclaimer: im usually a really brutally honest person with alot of vulgarities because that’s how strongly i feel about stuff im willing to talk about, so... brace yourself for alot of vulgarities and occasionally a word you wouldn’t understand cause it’s a singaporean vulgarity 

now where the FUCK do i start?

i started 2020 really happy, though i was still reeling from the shit relationship i was in for most of 2019. he was a cunt and we broke up in september 2019. i got attached again in feb 2020 to a guy i was seeing from late 2019. 

ANYWAY

my tumblr journey began in july (i don’t fkin remember what date it was anymore because it doesn’t matter) and long story short, tumblr has become my escape from reality. as most of you know i’ve been writing since 2014, just never touched this platform until 2016 because i was busy reading smuts WUPS but decided i wanted a more interactive platform with my readers so i ended up here. 

ANYWAY X2

below is the list of people i wna thank for making my tumblr journey so much more worthwhile, though we might not be close. i also don’t take note of my moots so im so fucking sorry if i missed you out, seriously just drop me an angry ask and ill bow down at your feet.

ANYWAY X3 LET’S BEGIN

to qiu: @stealerz

for being the little sister but like, my sunbae? LMAO uk how when a younger idol debuts but they meet an older idol that debuts later lmao yeah that’s us. i always find it honorable that you come to me for advice, and while i am known among my friends for giving great advice, i never fucking agreed because more often than not, i don’t follow my OWN advice. so qiu acts like a reminder that hey, maybe i shd stfu and listen to myself. but i really wna thank qiu for keeping me in the circle because im not one to initiate conversations (EVER) and she’s always the one talking to me about sch stuff which actually grounds me? makes me believe that school and my virtual reality can still coincide. thank you for being such an amazing friend, for being a person i actually feel close to because...? proximity? HAHAH but anyways, happy death to 2020, love. 

to yu: @lsangyeons

for trusting me so much with whatever you tell me about your life. i’m someone who doesn’t offer trust easily, and even if it does seem like i do, there are alot more things i tend to keep from people about my private life, so i know exactly how it feels to talk to someone you only know online about the things that bug us. your drawings are so fucking amazing and adorable, it’s just endearing to see that hardwork come out in something else besides writing (because that’s all ive been fkin doing lolz). i hope 2021 treats you alot better, because you deserve it. HAPPY DEATH TO 2020. 

to bella: @fullsunsays

for also trusting me with your emotional breakdowns (i hope you are alright with me saying this here because you talk about it on your acc every now and then but if you’re uncomfortable just give me a sound out and i’ll get rid of it). i just get so fking flattered because it just feels like you feel safe around me? and that? you treat me like a safe space? ion know it’s just all pretty new to me, about being in this online community. thank you for screaming with me/at me about different things, thank you for being so endearing with my shit, and i hope nothing but a better year for you. happy death to 2020, my love. 

to violet: @yunhoiseyecandy

for putting up with my nonsense every now and then and being so accepting to my feral side. i dont know if its because i know you’re an ateez stan and yknow ateez stans are usually more feral than tbz stans (idk i rlly dont) and like, i just find myself screaming to you every now and then and you’d do the same and it gives me ‘a pair of dumb feral bimbo’ vibes so, i dont know what i’d do without you, honestly. sometimes you’re the reminder that i have ateez stuff in my drafts or sitting in my laptop waiting to be published and youre a reminder that half my masterlist is also ateez content LOL. we don’t rlly talk about our private lives much but i definitely appreciate you way more than you think. happy death to 2020, vio. 

to gina: @sunlightwoo

for closing the gap so quickly! i earnestly dont remember how we got to be moots and all i remember is you screaming to me about smth and i screamed back and we just clicked from there, ion know LMAO. i love it that you’re so endearing and so patient with my shit and the stuff you write! omg. not many things make my heart flutter and BEST BELIEVE i DIED when i read your eric fic for the 12 days of christmas collab. we don’t rlly know much about our private lives and that’s alright, but i just want you to know that you deserve everything. happy death to 2020, gina!

to daisy: @sangyeon-lee

for confusing the fuck outta me when you switched from a fluffy yunho (??) mydaintydaisy to sangyeon as ur dp and sangyeon lee as ur user i was like ???? who the fuc-- OH. BUT YOU ARE SO FUCKING SWEET like i swear on GOD you are that one friend in the grp of girls that bakes cookies and give hugs and offer sweets and... give more hugs i really can’t uwu. (but now that your dp has changed i might have second thoughts hm). anyhow, we haven’t really interacted much besides in the 12 days of christmas collab gc but i just want you to know that i appreciate you in my notifs SO MUCH and i just hope we have a chance to get closer. happy death to 2020, daisy. 

to han @fleurseoul, april @tbzlvr and ri @sunwoowuvbot

for being such amazing readers, for constantly giving me encouragement, for always being my first notes or reblogs and i NEVER miss out on reading your tags like EVER because they are what keeps me going and keeps me motivated to keep writing. like, i really have no words to describe the gratitude i have. 

ANYWAY X4

below are the moots in my awareness (because im a fucking idiot ngl) that i appreciate and hope we can get to know each other better uwu

@elcie-chxn @experimentalwrites @ddadadada @chaoticdeobi @atbzkingdom @micaronn (i feel like i have a fuckload more but my goldfish brain cannot handle it lmao)

please send me an angry ask if i’ve missed you out >:(

ANYWAY x5

here’s to a better 2021, here’s to a year that’s not so much of a shitshow. here’s to the death of 2020. PEACE OUT. 

[cherryonigiri]

the retrospective: alice’s 1k special || lover masterlist

matchup requests: CLOSED

Anon asked: Howdy! Could I possibly have a matchup! Im an ENTP slytherin. My personality is all over the place. Ive got an intimidating aura initially but im welcoming and have a baby face. Im outgoing but observant of other people. I’m loyal and nurturing towards my friends but kinda chaotic (my friends call me the uncle friend lol). I play piano and bass, and im always picking up new hobbies (right now im learning japanese, coding, and embroidery). My style is minimalist but trendy. Im a big coffee girl. 

A/N: omg hi anon!!!! Wow I love how you’re always learning new things - that’s so cool cause I play the piano and my brother plays the bass oooo anyways enjoy your matchup <3

Your matchup is: Kuroo Tetsurou

How you met: I feel like you met at a Japanese conversation round table/club - or some kind of space where people who are learning Japanese can practice conversational Japanese with fluent or native speakers (my uni has one of these round tables for a lot of different languages and it’s super cool!) You were paired up with Kuroo, and he makes a great conversation partner. He’s really impressed that you were so dedicated to learning Japanese and he finds all your different hobbies. He also teaches you other words outside of the standard vocabulary - think online terms/slang and funny puns/jokes. He also sometimes shows up with two iced coffees so both of you can enjoy a nice caffeinated beverage while practicing conversation. 

Your first date: Since the point of the round table is also to meet new people, you and Kuroo both get paired up with new partners after a few months. However, he still always manages to converse (*cough cough* flirt) with you for a few minutes before your partners arrive. One day, after the club meeting ends, he lingerss around, waiting for you to finish saying goodbye to your conversation buddy. He taps you on the shoulder as you leave the room “Hey, can we talk?” You’re a bit confused at first, because he’s definitely a bit flustered and rubbing the back of his neck and totally avoiding eye contact. “Do you want to go on a date with me?” - he kinda mumbles it all out so it takes a moment for you to understand what he asked - but you smile and say “Sure!” He kind of flounders a bit because he did not plan for what to do after you said yes. You end up suggesting the two of you grab dinner at a diner down the street from the building you’re currently in. It’s a really nice date filled with witty conversation + you two continue chatting while he walks you home.

Your first kiss: regular dinner dates after the round table become the norm, but occasionally the two of you go on dates on weekends - maybe going to different museums, festivals, or hiking! Your first kiss happens when you go swimming with Kuroo - there’s a really nice secluded lake near where you two live so you decide to hike up to the lake and swim for a few hours. It’s really peaceful - the water is clear and soothing with the summer heat - and the two of you enjoy a nice picnic on the shore. I’m thinking that the sun is starting to set so the two of you pack your things and right before you start hiking down Kuroo just casually pecks you on the lips and then the two of you hold hands while walking down the trail and it’s just content vibes as you drive back to the city.

Anniversary: Kuroo is the type to go all out for an anniversary. I feel like he’ll plan the day at least a few weeks (if not a month or two) in advance! He knows you play piano and bass, so he decided that buying tickets to a jazz night seemed like a great way to spend your anniversary. I think he plants little surprises throughout your day - he has flowers delivered to you at work, he shows up to surprise you during your lunch break, when you get home he has a couple spa day all set up in the living room and the two of you pamper yourselves + eat a nice homecooked dinner before dressing up and heading to the theatre where the jazz night is. Totally takes a ton of pictures so he can remember the night and he makes a little polaroid album he gives to you the week after. 

How they propose: At the airport - since Kuroo travels a lot, you often pick him up at the airport whenever he comes back from weeks of travelling around Japan to promote volleyball/encourage more people to play his favorite sport. He’s been planning to propose to you for a while, and there’s a specific jeweller that one of his colleagues recommends because they do really great custom/comissioned rings. Thankfully the jeweler is located in one of the cities he’s stopping over in, so he picks up the ring a few days before he heads home. You usually drive to the airport to pick him up, and while you're busy arranging his bags in the trunk he pulls the ring out and kneels with the box open. So yeah, it’s like 11 PM in a concrete parking lot but it’s honestly the most romantic thing and he says “be my home forever?” and that’s when you start crying. 

What your wedding looks like: Medium/large depending on how many people you invite. You’re both super caring + friendly (and Kuroo basically knows the entire V-league courtesy of high school + his job) so there are so many people you want to include during your special day! I have a feeling he might get married closer to his hometown since he’d like to invite Coach Nekomata + a bunch of people from Nekoma and his family is still there. Definitely a really beautiful summer wedding with an outdoor ceremony + reception. Lots of flowers - on the tables, at the ends of the pews/chair, a flower arch above the altar. I also feel like, just because it’s one of his favorite foods - Kuroo would makes sure that grilled fish is somewhere on the menu (also to spite Yaku) 

Newlywed/domestic hc: You and Kuroo leave each other little post-it love letters on the fridge/table/counter in your apartment. Both of you have blossoming careers and are busy professionals, but it’s always nice to wake up to see a nice Japanese breakfast (steaming rice, grilled fish, miso soup, tamagoyaki) with a small note tacked on the side and of course Kuroo’s doodle of himself as a cat. Sometimes it’s a science pun, other times it’s his three favorite things about you. You like recommending him songs that remind you of your relationship + doodling random things. Also you two are both saps and boty of you have hidden boxes in your bedroom where you keep all the notes the other leaves for you

#haikyuu x reader #kuroo x reader #kuroo tetsurou x reader #kuroo tetsurou #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu matchups #kuro tetsuro x reader #kuro tetsuro #nekoma #alice's 1k special #the retrospective

[alienbrainwave]

I think. One of the worst parts of having adhd for me personally is that feeling of exclusion that comes from having a hard time making and maintaining relationships. Like every friend group ive ever been in i always felt like the weird one that nobody would really miss if i werent included.

And now that im not in ANY friend groups its even worse. I feel like im just the random guy my friends talk to when their real friends are busy. Like im just an extra, not of any importance to anyone really because they all have their own much better friends in their friend groups. like the feeling that if i never messaged any of my friends first ever again, they would never talk to me. because im the only one that NEEDS their friendship. Like if i stopped messaging to try and initiate conversation they would just forget about me and move one. I dont really feel like anyone REALLY LIKES or likes me. Im just. Tolerated. Not annoying enough to be ignored but not likeable enough to really be liked.

#obviously this is a personal problem #it just really sucks because when i work on being more outgoing it still doesnt get me like anywhere #thinking about the person on instagram i had thought i had befriended who asked me out of nowhere #if i wanted to start a monthly manga club with them and a few other manga centric instas #and i emphatically said yes omg i would love to #and they just. didnt message me again. and then i found out like a month later they made the group and i was just like... #excluded #and the thing that happened in 2019 #i just #ive been really really depressed recently and ive been trying to hide/cover it up as much as i can #but i seriously am like....not doing well #so i guess this is me venting to try and get this out of my system. #im going to... read kekkaishi... #this would be simpler if i had money to irresponsibly spend on manga #and this isnt a cry for help or to make any of my friends feel guilty or anything because its not their problem its mine #i need to work on being more likeable i guess

[bangtans-peaceful-piegon]

My Cup of Tea: Prologue

My Cup Of Tea: Prologue | YoongixReader

Warnings for this Chapter: none, just a post-breakup suffering OC who is saved by a whole Min Yoongi

“Coffee is bitter, so people add a little bit of sugar or creamer until it suits their taste. However, once it’s added it can’t be separated. It’s also addictive, it’s your choice to keep it as your poison or to control how much you take. Some people need it, some people don’t...In that case, it really isn’t their cup of tea.”

A/N: im finally deciding to post this after who knows how long sajkdfhd,, tysm for beta reading this for me @jtrbluv !!! again u were a huge help because the tag game you tagged me in gave me the final push to actually post this fic thats been collecting dust in my drafts. ily boo !!! <3 it also took a while because i wanted to do more research for this fic. i dont think ive read about or drank so much tea in my life for the past few months. pls enjoy the prologue everyone!

Word Count: 1,600+

You sat in the worn out leather booth, eyes trained on the steaming mug in front of you.

What just happened?

Something that took five years to grow ended in mere seconds.

Five years of dedication.

Five years of convincing yourself it would work out, that it could be fixed.

Five years spent on a relationship that should’ve ended before it began.

You mindlessly took a sip of your coffee hissing as the hot brew burnt your tongue, mind drifting back to the argument that occurred hours ago...

“You’re never here!”

“Was I not enough for you?”

“Where’s the old Y/N that I knew and loved?”

You weren’t sure about what was said after that except for... “I’m seeing someone else.”

The bruising pain on your tongue began to throb and you couldn’t help the tears that formed.

You never liked coffee, but the café was your favorite place. 

Perhaps it was the enticing aroma that attracted you every time you walked in, or maybe it was the cleverly thought out name that was in the form of childlike puns: Bearly Awake Brew.

Either way, you couldn’t despise coffee any more than you already did in this moment.

“Are you alright?”

You whipped your head up to see a man standing above you.

Through your bleary eyes you could make out a set of kind brown ones shielded by black frames which rested atop a boopable nose. On his head, a black mop of neatly trimmed hair along with soft cheeks paired with a soft jawline.

The man was dressed in a black turtle-neck and long-coat as if returning from a meeting discussing the newest stocks and bonds of business.

After a small, possibly noticeable, ogling of the stranger, you shook your head ‘no.’

He motioned to the seat across from you raising his brows inquisitively, “May I?” 

This time you slowly nodded.

He seemed harmless enough, and even if he tried anything there was pepper spray in your purse.

You sniffled as he took a seat.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No y-you wouldn’t understand.” He leaned forward onto his elbows—a determined furrow in his brow.        

“Try me.”

Who was this guy? He didn’t come off as threatening but somewhat… familiar.

You couldn’t quite place his face or remember his name.

“Not yet, right now I just need a good cry,” you replied sinking further into your seat.

“Alright.” He said, shrugging and not saying much, or really, nothing.

He sat across from you— not making eye contact but quietly observing the café.

Several questions raised in your mind: Where did he come from? Why is he here of all places? Did someone send him with the intention to make you feel even more like a fool than you already did?

“Don’t you have anything better to do?” you asked when the silence became a little too long.

“No, not really...” he replied slowly. “Would you like me to leave?”

“No, I mean, it’s just-“ you hesitated, “You’re fine,”

“Ok then.”

Silence.

One look at him and it’d be hard to believe women find him approachable, but the man came up to you.

Much less, while you were on the verge of outright bawling in the middle of a café.

“What’s your name?” you asked, initiating conversation. You might as well since he was there.

“Yoongi. Yours?” You hesitated knowing it wasn’t fair to not give him your name.

“I’ll reassure you I’m not a stalker, at least not the bad kind.”

You let out an amused scoff, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

He chuckles and you couldn’t help but enjoy the sound.

Were you really that joy deprived?

“Ok then, I’m Min Yoongi, and I’m a stocker. As in I distribute and track merchandise in stores.” he reaches a hand out to shake and you can’t help but stare at it.

“Well go on I won’t bite,” you huffed a laugh, taking his hand and shaking it.

He smiles and you can’t help but return it.

Who is this guy?

“Why don’t we go for a walk?”

You contemplate his offer.

You had just met him but you hadn’t had casual conversation in a while… or hung out with friends for that matter. So maybe it’d be good for you after-

“Sure let’s go,” You replied immediately while standing up, maybe a little too quickly— your chair scratching the wooden floors and making a startling sound as you headed to the door.

He raised his brows in surprise at the sudden burst of energy before trailing behind you, ignoring the stares of café patrons.

“Hey wait up!”

-

This was another reason why you visited the quaint coffee shop often.

The park outside was always bustling with life and energy.

There was a little pond where ducks would glide across its surface diving from time to time, scavenging for the weeds at the bottom, maybe even getting sustenance from people who were ignorant of the ‘Do not feed the ducks’ sign.

It also had an open field where locals and families would enjoy the hot summer days by setting up little camps with blankets and food or even play small games of football or soccer.

While children played in the vast expanse of green, parents would sit back and converse with strangers forming new friendships. It was a place of change and growth and you loved it.

“So,” Yoongi continued as you both walked down the dirt path, “other than your name, and why you were crying in my café, is there anything about you I have yet to know?” Your cheeks flushed red as you shifted your sight to the ground.

“There’s nothing much really,” you replied with a shrug before backtracking his sentence, “Wait, your café?”

“Don’t change the subject. There’s got to be one thing about you… how about your favorite color?”

You purse your lips at the dodging of the question, albeit a basic one, but it was a start. “I guess Rainbow,”

He nodded with a hum, “Wise choice,”

You let out a huff of amusement, “Alright wise guy, what’s yours?”

He pondered for a moment before affirmatively replying, “Black,”

You hummed. “Kind of... dark, isn’t it?”

He turned around and shrugged, “I’d say the rainbow but you took it already,”

You scoffed, resuming your place beside him.

He continued asking basic questions to which you replied and vice versa.

You liked dogs, but him on the other hand didn’t have a favorite animal, at least until he adopted a poodle which made him keen on the creatures, more specifically one named Holly.

You were allergic to bees and he was allergic to cats.

You both enjoyed a variation of music from rap to classical piano music, but the question also led to a debate on what artist is the most superior to all.

Neither of you won, and concluded neither lost with valid points made during said argument.

It only felt like minutes had gone by but wasn’t until you looked at the time that you realized how late it was.

The crowd at the park had begun to thin out while shops surrounding the area were beginning to close for the day.

The once bright sunlight began to fade behind clouds as it began its descent to the horizon.

“I should probably be heading home,” you cut in politely before he could delve into the topic of what they would do in a post-apocalyptic world.

“Oh,” he replied, obviously disappointed.

He rubbed the back of his neck nervously. “Well could I ask you one more thing?”

You nodded expecting it to be another ‘get to know you’ question or something along the lines of ‘if you had to would cut your arm or leg off?’ but it was something much more complicated.

“Can I get your number?”

You stiffened, unsure how to respond.

You weren’t sure if he was asking as a friend or a man with an ulterior motive.

Could you really do it?

Especially after you had just-

“I’m sorry that came out wrong,” He quickly mended, fumbling his words, realizing your distress.

“I think you’re really great, and I’d like us to continue talking. Just two people who enjoy each other’s company, you know?”

You looked up at him and saw he was offering to be friends that would be nothing more.

You couldn’t deny: you had fun.

For the first time in a long time.

Maybe it wasn’t a relationship you needed, but a friendship.

You smiled, “I’d like that,”

You reached into your pocket pulling out your phone, “Here.”

You both swapped devices, putting in the respective numbers. Once the contact was added, you returned each device to the rightful owner.

He grinned, holding up his phone, “How about a contact photo?” 

You smiled, nodding as you  stood beside him while  he took a selfie of you side-by-side. Once the picture was taken he slid his phone into his pocket. “Thanks,” he glanced down at the phone, that darn smile growing on his face, “Y/N. I’ll talk to you soon?” 

You nodded and finally split ways.

As you began the trek toward your apartment a dopey smile remained plastered on your face.

Maybe everything would be alright.

#bts #kim namjoon #kim seokjin #min yoongi #jung hoseok #park jimin #kim taehyung #jeon jungkook #rm #jin #suga #jhope #jimin #v #jungkook #btsxreader #yoongixreader #btsfanfic #btsfanfiction #ot7 #fluff #angst #crack #slowburn #bangtanspeacefulpiegonfics #piegon fic: my cup of tea series #prologue #au #alternate universe #reader insert

[sapphicambitions]

hypothetically speaking if YOU had started seeing a girl at the end of July and then at about the end of August you asked her where she stood on y’all’s relationship and she said she wasn’t emotionally available or ready for a relationship but she was working on it and wanted to keep seeing you to see where it was gonna go and so you said yes because you liked her and you were like “I don’t mind waiting! we can work through this together!” and then as you moved forward you were the one who initiated every single kiss and sent every single first text and set up every single date and you were holding back on like Properly Flirting with her because every time you flirted she got a embarrassed and never flirted back with you and actually at no point has she said anything like “you look really good today” or “I like you”  or anything even remotely flirty even when you were clearly fishing for compliments bc everyone wants to feel validated and in fact she told you that she doesnt feel butterflies for you and you can see that shes kept an emotional wall up around you because she hasn’t wanted to friend you on any social medias and you’d complain about this to your best friends and they’d be like “this doesnt sound mutually beneficial or emotionally healthy that you’re doing all the emotional labor” and you’d insist back “no no like she’s working on it and we’re building something together so that we can one day be in a relationship” and they just went along with it because this is the first time you’ve been happy in a relationship in like a year and then one week you worked a weird job with long hours and y’all never really talked and she had some Shit Go Down in her life that is actually super valid and understandable but she became super reserved and you were like “don’t worry im here for you!” even though you also had a shitty week and she wasn’t there for you and then instead of talking all day every day you’d hear from her like a few times a day and you were like “when can i see you again? I’ve missed you” and she said “haha it has been a while” and you were like uhhh didn’t you miss me too but you made plans to hang out and while you were with her you asked how she wanted to move forward with communication when she’s Going Through It and she essentially said “just dont double text me” and then as she was driving you home she said “yeah I’ve ghosted almost everyone ive ever dated because i dont like having emotional conversations” and you were like uhhh and then you texted her the next day about something random and she didn’t respond for like ten hours and you reached out to your friends and were like dude i think ive just been ghosted but then she texted back “sorry i was busy” and then immediately after with no prompt “ngl its hard for me to think about where our relationship could go when i dont know if you’ll be here in a month or so but dont let that stress you out more” and you were like “here as in dc or here as in with you” and she said “here as in dc” and you were like “well im operating as if i will still be here and im doing everything in my power to still be here and find a job” and she said “i know it just doesnt really feel like that? and this has all just been harder for me than i thought it would be but thanks for letting me get it off my chest” and you didnt actually respond because you were like hang on i have been doing all of the emotional labor for the last three months and putting my own emotional needs aside to give you the space that you needed and to respect your boundaries of not wanting to be too emotional and busting my ass to find a job so that i can stay here and i have explicitly told you that i feel like an unemployed loser who’s life fell apart six months ago and ive been trying desperately to get back on my feet and now you’re using that as an excuse as to why you’re having trouble thinking about the future of our relationship and like baby sure my life might fall apart again in two months but will you be emotionally available in two months?????? so you dont respond and you didn’t text her in the morning and she hasn’t text you all day either and youre still pretty pissed and half of your friends are like “end it now” and half of them are like “talk to her and see if you can work it out” and part of you doesnt want to talk to her about it because you’re so fucking tired of having to beg people to love you and you just wish that for once in your life you could receive love instead of constantly giving it and you just want a partner who dotes on you and loves you and thinks youre hot and will do all of those things without having to ask “can you please act like you like me” but on the other hand you knew what you were signing up for with this and relationships do take work and you do like her so maybe you should just try to talk it out with her because maybe she didnt realize that all of these things were bugging you so talk to her and see what happens like HYPOTHETICALLY if you were in that HYPOTHETICAL situation....

what would you do?

#lesbianlaynie #do NOT reblog #jams #yes i am genuniely looking for answers #help me out here fam #whats your take on it #for once i am actually asking for advice on my personal life

[flufflebones]

some more fun hcs about delphine [mc 1.... closest 2 my heart since ive used her in various settings for a While]! it’s a little long so im slapping it under a cut but its all sfw and all very much in good fun.

you know, mostly. i only really got two headcanons down and one is brief/about michael and the other is about pets in the devildom

- can and will fight michael do you think they saw the angel/anni event and were ok with it? yeah? no! just going to kick him hard enough in the shin to....... probably bust their own foot but its FINE 

- has an approximate accumulated f*ckton of devildom native and possibly (definitely) magical pets

[The list:

Sosig / Sausage - Hellhound - Gift from Beelzebub!:

A beast of considerable size and [reportedly] god awful temperament, bearing charcoal fur and the lingering [faint] scent of sulphur. More vulpine than canine, their frames are typically gaunt, with the flames that fuel their bodies licking out from the ends of their tails, their ankles and wrists [on their normal quadrupedal legs], the inner portions of their ears [leaving them at a disadvantage when it comes to hearing], their somewhat visible / open ribcage, and the corners of their mouth. 

Despite this general introduction, hellhounds are wildly varied and have a number of breeds and variations in recent history, typically intended for one of three purposes.

Companionship - These hellhounds are typically smaller in stature and less sturdy, with a tendency to bond strongly to one or two masters [with some consideration/leeway for those close to their master: See- Cerberus]. Arguably the most docile of any class of hellhound, they are still dangerous if not raised correctly, and have a nasty bite. Though not a true classification and with no formal means of training a hound to do so naturally, some companion hellhounds serve as a psuedo service dog, heavily attuned to the needs and potential problems unique to their primary master. This isn’t to say that they are an alternative to service animals, or anywhere near as well trained, *of course*, but the devildom is hardly the safest place for a regular human realm animal; And sometimes, you’ve just got to work with what you’ve got.

Sport / Show - Typically very much breed standard. While raised to tolerate handling and grooming, these traditionally built hellhounds are temperamental at best and borderline terrifying when their willful nature comes in direct conflict with a demonic handler who bit off more than they can chew. Heavily regulated, and typically owned by the elite.

Protection - The devildom is dangerous, and nobody is questioning that. Demons with a knack for animal handling [or demons who can afford to hire someone skilled with animals, of course!] breed and train these creatures to guard many things; People, places, objects, etc. They’re typically territorial and hard to train as a rule, as one cannot allow for a beast such as this to be tempted by treats or good petting from *anyone*, yfm?

Sausage is a bit of a mixed bag. Born from protective stock and bought by Beelzebub after overhearing Mammon trying to convince Lucifer to get Delphine/my mc a pet [who lays eggs, we’ll get there, that he can sell for a massive profit]. Being the youngest present brother at the time, anything capturing his interest other than food is both welcomed and encouraged in an attempt to positively reinforce him to not put the devildom at risk of a famine.

Delphine unintentionally raised this brick house of a hellhound puppy into a sort of in-between of companion and protector, with him being very social, very sweet, and *fairly* defensive and willful if things aren’t going his way. He’s typically the one to step in most successfully to motivate her to move around [yes, moreso than the brothers!] and do her day to day tasks, and is probably the best way to find out if something’s wrong with her-- Past being able to just kind of drag her off due to their size differential, his general wit and ability to communicate his needs and wants have led to unexpected food deliveries, blankets spread over her shoulders, and human world medicines arriving a few days before she shows any real signs of illness that she can see.

He’s also spoiled as all get out. If you’re sharing a bed/couch/blanket/etc with her, you can bet Sausage is soon to follow. Sorry, Mammon! He loooves table scraps and is almost as bad as Beel when it comes to eating things he shouldn’t [and looking too cute to be scolded about it too heavily].

Rocky - ... That’s just a rock, dude. - Gift from Belphegor:

It’s really hard to tell if Belphegor is messing around when he presents Delphine with a rough hewn black rock bearing two googly eyes, a pair of hilariously out of place crystalized horns, and a pair of similarly out of place crystal wings, but I swear on all things unholy, he’s doing it for a reason.

Though not... Really sentient, initially, Rocky just needs a good, possibly year long charging. Soulstones are sort of... Weird, in that they are inert and lifeless for as long as they remain with the boulders from which they are harvested. but typically-- After being exposed to a single party’s magical runoff and signature for a year or so-- absorb enough energy to come to life, their coloration and mineral makeup adjusting to fit the nature of the being they owe their life to. Delphine’s takes the form of a celestine and blue goldstone peryton; A winged stag. With crystalized wings and antlers, Rocky would almost look majestic; If it weren’t for the fact that the googly eyes have remained a feature that she has never been able to figure out how to remove. Soulstones are typically quiet observers, not requiring active care to thrive but delighting in contact [especially immediately post spell casting or magic use]. They are attuned to the needs of their magic bound masters, and typically exude an air of-- if not positive-- reassurance.

In Delphines Little Canon Divergence Corner, it’s likely that rocky coming into her care is one of the first of many attempts at reconciliation that Belphegor makes with her post chapter 16; And it honestly really, really sets him back, like, even when she returns to the human realm. Forgotten but included in her luggage, it’s a few weeks into her settling down on Earth that she finds the dinky little stone, and an overload of magic-- Possibly emotionally sourced, possibly due to unresolved tension/a discussion that never got to happen because he was being a little jerk about it-- sets off the transformation, which occurs overnight.

She recognizes the little stone figure when it approaches her in the morning, and one of her first texts about it is a simple, succinct “WTF” + an image attachment sent to Belphegor, specifically in the dead of night with the intention to wake him.

Henry “Pogchampion” 6.0, 7.0, and 8.0, A.K.A: “Pip! Minette! Beans!” - Infernal rats - Gift from Leviathan:

A note: If you don’t care for rats or you’re more familiar with their popular association with illness or disease/classification as vermin, and are only capable of thinking of them in that context, I don’t care. I am specifically talking about rats in the context of them being pets-- And good pets, at that. If you want to talk about how much you wish they were dead/didn’t exist, thats not my problem. Just don’t do it on a post discussing them as a pet, or I will block you!

Anyway!

Leviathan is probably the most appropriate person for them to get pet recommendations from, but her asking never winds up a necessity; When he finds out that he’s got another pet enthusiast in the house, he’s *all* about it, and when he finally [very unsubtly] weasels his way into the information he needs, he gets them to come along with him to what’s supposed to be a routine supply trip for Henry that just *CAN’T* be accomplished online. It’s a trip to *a* shop, but not what she’s expecting, especially when she gets to meet a handful of very curious, very playful, larger than a medium sized dog mice and rats. These guys are very much pests turned pets, with a small niche of hobbyists raising them and breeding them for temperament and overall health and disease resistance. Very social and very intelligent, they tend to thrive best in groups if one is not devoting all of their time to them as an individual. The type Leviathan recommends are on the smaller side, with cloudy, soft fur and sweet temperaments. And massive teeth, nubby horns, spade tipped tails, and very large, typically bony or leathery wings.

Levi is... Probably the one who wanted them, really. They get a little big, and tend to like to roughhouse, and they chew like nobody’s business-- And while he can’t risk his figures or merch or other Otaku Trappings or wires for everything in his room, he *CAN* risk Delphine’s. Plus, Sausage needs a friend, right? Or three?

They pick up three, all of whom are sisters, and all of whom on paper are named Henry “Pogchamp”, 6.0, 7.0, and 8.0, since he *is* technically the one paying for them and at least gets to do that much. Even when they start being named Pip, Minette, and Beans, in casual conversation, he can still hold on to the fact that they’ll always be Henries in his heart of hearts.

Sausage loves them to bits, for the record, but their interactions tend to be supervised/very brief even without the worry of him being able to harm any of them due to the general (and very appropriate) ill advisement of large predators interacting with smaller prey animals. It’s cute, sure, but it can be dangerous, and Delphine (and Levi, to a lesser extent, because he’s using the excuse of them being friends to keep Lucifer off of his ass for adding another animal to her menagerie) isn’t about to risk it.

Sweets - .... A black cat? That glitters? - Gift from Satan and Asmodeus:

Small, sleek, and independent, Sweets is probably the pet people see the least of all of Delphine’s little collection-- Though that doesn’t mean she’s not well loved. A pet project between Satan and Asmodeus, Sweets isn’t *technically* a cat; They’re a being comprised of shadow, somewhat similar in nature to a familiar without the connotation of them technically being a demon slash demonic. Who just so happens to have been enchanted to appear like and generally function in their day to day life as a cat. That sparkles, the only concession Satan was willing to grant Asmodeus in return for his help obtaining the materials necessary to create  the little beast (and in return for him taking the heat when Lucifer inevitably got pissy about it). Given its unique nature, very little is actually known about the little being of shadow past basic care and assumptions based on its generally feline behavioral patterns. The rats scare the hell out of it, however, and it tends to be out of sight except when called, hiding in shadows and only occasionally emerging on its own.

... Oh, and be careful. Satan hasn’t told Del yet, but it seems that the belly rubs this shadowy kitty offers tend  to bite off more than they can chew if they’re not careful. Asmodeus thinks its horrible. Who wants a pet with a massive maw of teeth in their stomach? Satan desperately wants to use this quirk in Sweets’ nature for a prank. Delphine already knows, but is playing dumb for the sake of faking surprise when its formally revealed.

Elysia - Gilded Crow - Gift from Lucifer and Mammon:

SO, i”M going to keep this short because i’ve been writing this for several hours at this point on and off and i really really want to be ready for my dinner when its ready, but!

Elysia is a sort of... Special circumstance. Literally. Devotees to Mammon-- And yes, there *are* people who think he’s a legitimate demon lord, the only people really allowed to treat him like garbage are his brothers and a few choice officials too strong to be eradicated as any lesser demon might have been-- with a background in magical augmentation specifically enchanted this line of crows to reflect that which is most valued by their Lord; Riches. They’re technically not legal due to their status as something of an organic money generator, but a select few in a small flockare kept under the watchful eyes of the Demon Lord and his immediate family, and those who have been trusted by his family members. This is where Lucifer comes in.

Understandably, Mammon is not allowed to have care of his flock, though he certainly wouldn’t be the worst at caring for them. He’d just also be selling their products illegally, and you can’t have that!

Elysia wears a small enchanted band comprised of dull, unimpressive iron-- The kind of thing Mammon would neither notice nor have interest in. This band is enchanted, and serves as a sort of storage space for any of Ely’s dropped organic components. Talons, feathers, eggs-- Everything is automatically absorbed into the band, rendering the bird borderline useless outside of being a gorgeous pet, and a gigantic nuisance. 

Lucifer hates to admit it, but he really is a fan of the large, intelligent, gorgeous creature; And Mammon thinks it’s really funny to teach her to take shiny things (like grimm, loose jewelry, gum wrappers, etc), even past the sentimental value of the bird itself and what her kind represents to him. 

Delphine adores her, too, and is about as good an influence on her as Mammon is-- Teaching her to speak, in some capacity, simply by repeating certain words or phrases to herself as she does things in the day to day, especially during feeding time. It’s all fun and games, until this pretty golden bird calls Lucifer a ‘motherf*cker’ while she thinks he’s out of the room while visiting with Diavolo for an update on her health.

#long #obey me #obey me mc #obey me mc headcanon #obey me headcanons

[semiconducting]

just reflecting on some personal growth stuff from last year !

im actually. genuinely okay. like i think im starting this year feeling okay! which is atypical. 

i think i can attribute it to the enormous amount of work id put into myself over the past year...i remember one year ago being extraordinarily depressed and really just. high strung? incredibly anxious but exhausted. and i fell down a descent slowly from not eating, to getting really irritable and not handling conflicts with friends well, to actively self harming again, to the point where i remembered sitting in a coffee shop with one of my friends and saying out loud that i need to go to therapy. and that i was going to talk to a mutual friend of ours about how the therapy services on campus are. which was a huge step for me! ive always had trust issues with therapy services since i was 12 for reasons i wont go into, but im sure you can gather the point of.

and then, literally the next day after saying that, got news about campus shutting down because of the virus.

and i made all of the effort possible to reach out to my friends and get things figured out to weather the storm because i KNEW shit was going to get bad if i didnt. but only one of my friends was really keeping up, and thats because he and i do homework together so we were already in a rhythm of talking every single week no matter what. and thats not to say that im ungrateful for him or the fact that even still he was there for me while i was going through hell, i have this thing about Not Putting All My Problems On And Confiding In One Person And One Person Only. so i withdrew, i stopped talking to everyone, i stopped logging into my classes, i didnt do any homework, i didnt lead my workshops, didnt hold office hours...i was just wallowing in my own misery

and i made plans to kill myself. and thats like, i mean i could say that several dozen times over the course of a year since i was like 12, but i mean a legitimate walkthrough plan. had my hiking bag packed with everything i was going to use, decided where i was going to, and was going to prep myself for it. wrote drafts and drafts of suicide notes until i decided just leaving the contact info of people who needed to know asap was all i was going to leave. in addition to sticky notes on some stuff in my room for what needed to be returned to who, or if something should go to someone in particular...

and i acted as normally as i could around my housemates. attributed my not leaving my room much to being busy with classes. i have a rule to myself to always sleep at least one night before killing myself because if im really serious about going through with it it can always wait one day. this time i decided i was going to clean my room and leave it as pristine as possible. the last thing i had to do was a load of laundry, and then i was going to do it.

and then someone from campus showed up at my door. because one of my professors filed a report and i hadnt responded to any of the emails id received checking in on me.

so i readjusted. caught up on my schoolwork, just barely finished the semester and definitely didnt do it strong or well (god bless the pass/fail option bc of covid LOL), but i did it nonetheless. went home, started my internship, had a miserably mundane summer.

i grew bitter and apathetic. i was angry at my friends for not being responsive when i reached out to them to talk or hang out or do anything. i got tired of dealing with it. i was tired of feeling alone and like no one gave a shit about me except for when it was convenient for them. i decided that i wasnt going to deal with people who werent willing to put any effort into me, so i stopped talking to everyone and kept up with people who were willing to reach out after the fact.

it’s definitely not the best approach. it’s really unforgiving and it doesn’t give people a lot of benefit of the doubt, but i think it was necessary in some respect. i didn’t have any criteria for how people needed to reach out, or how long after, or whatever, just that they did. really needed people in my life who are willing to communicate with me. i was honest with how i was feeling and why i did things if they did, apologized for the shitty approach, thanked them for still being willing to talk to me, and worked out the best way for both of us to keep things going.

over the months i dont think i really regret the decision, because it’s been a weight off my shoulders. i feel a lot better. i’m far more okay with where i stand in all of my friends’ lives, even if that’s not as a priority and even if that’s as just someone to talk to and catch up with like a couple times a year. it took a bit for it to pay off but it’s nice to take a look at people i was putting far too much work into and upon reflection realizing that they only interacted with me when they needed something from me, and not for me as a person. i think there are still people where there are loose ends and i think i may try reaching out myself to tie those up at some point, whenever i have the energy and clarity of mind for it. but i guess at the end of the day i just decided that people who weren’t willing to communicate weren’t worth the time. i’m okay if that communication means i need to be the one to initiate conversations even! i just need to know that.

but yeah. i came back to ny and started the semester totally apathetic and angry. i was so fucking depressed and bored with everything even if i was keeping myself incredibly busy. the only thing that i found rewarding (and what was just barely keeping me going) was leading my workshop for the intro optics class. 

and then a friend -- the same friend i was at the coffee shop with -- reached out to catch up. and i was honestly really bitter and angry with him and was prepping myself to start listing out issues that i hadnt been able to address with him beforehand (side note, while telling friends the issues you have with them is important, listing shit out all at once is hardly ever a good approach especially without warning LOL) but ended up...just having a calming and comfortable conversation about what was going on in our lives since we last saw each other. 

n later that day i ended up reaching out to an old friend that i had been meaning to catch up with because we fell out of contact, but had just barely been trying to start talking again in the months before this but had kept missing opportunities to properly converse. but we talked again, and we set up a day to hike and catch up.

and he comes to my house and picks me up. and i get in his car. and its like, holy shit, its been almost a year since ive seen you. and we hugged. and just started to catch each other up on the mess that had been our lives since we’d actively been in contact. we hiked, he told me about the books he wanted to write, we talked about people we knew, we talked about politics, we talked about school, we talked about life, and it was just as comfortable as if not a day had passed...even though it was obvious that he and i were both changed people over the past year. nothing about our friendship was any different though.

we resolved to hanging out with each other every week. decided we both needed the interaction, appreciated having each other around, and had a nice overlap of free time in the week that worked well. friday nights unless otherwise specified.

it was totally unexpected. he’d always been a great friend to me, but i never expected us to get as close as we did. neither did he. he’s probably the first person in my life (or at least in a very long time, and certainly the only person at the time) that i’d been so comfortable with that i practically had no boundaries around. none that needed to be addressed, anyway, because the only possible ones to throw up wouldn’t even come up (but of course, i constantly reassured that as soon as anything came up i would let him know because early on he kept asking sjhdkjfh). 

he became something for me to look forward to in the week. towards the beginning he was a shoulder to lean on when i needed it and was willing to listen to things i hadn’t been able to tell anyone out loud. and he confided in me as well. it was comfortable. it was safe. it was a level of trust with vulnerability that i’d never shown anyone else. 

but it wasnt even just that! it was fun! hes so fun. we could talk about everything and nothing, and hes one of the only people where i feel like i have to keep up with him in conversation instead of the other way around. we’d jump from topic to topic so much faster than either of us could think and it was all always so interesting. littered with humour that was just dumb and simple. i felt comfortable just being an idiot with him. i felt like i had nothing to prove. 

for the past few years ive held to the sentiment that i like to hang around with people that make me a better person. but somehow, with him, its not that i felt like he made me a better person, but that he made me more myself. he saw who i was without any kind of fronts. and i always was afraid to show anyone that me because i always assumed that they would be depressing, loathsome, bitter, angry, and vicious.

but....i’m not. i learned that i’m incredibly loving. that i’d do fuckin anything to for my friends, but always in a way that was healthy and rewarding for both of us. i’m very light-hearted and my sense of humour is so stupid, but also very analytical and thoughtful. just a bit judgmental and pretentious, but always for things that people dont expect. totally open minded in discussions. an avid explorer, and a bit of a thrillseeker. and so, so, so affectionate.

i realized im. not as horrible as ive always made myself out to be. i accepted that i didnt need to punish myself for things beyond my control. i realized that i could believe people when they tell me that they enjoy my company, or appreciate things i do for them, or that they think i’m a worthwhile person to keep around. 

its not that i dont have my flaws, its not that there arent things that i have to work on still. but maybe, at my core, i’m not actually motivated by spite, i’m not actually a hopeless pessimist, and that i’m not...broken. i’m not some secretly irredeemable monster.

and for a period of time i’ve been in a place where i could say i was genuinely...happy! and i don’t think i’ve ever been able to say that. i’ve certainly been made happy by doing things with friends in the past, i’ve been through periods where i’ve been okay with where i am at in life, but ever since i was like 12 (but probably even before that) i’d never been able to say that i was happy. it’s not that i wasn’t stressed, it’s not that things in my life were all going perfectly....but they didn’t define my mood. they didn’t define my view of myself. school, despite being the primary focus of my life, wasn’t dictating how i was feeling. even when things were agonizing and depressing because of school, i was still okay. i was incredibly stable.

and i owe that all to him being there for me. and hardly any of these things were anything that he was really directly responsible for, like its not that he sat there and just constantly showered me in reassurance and praise or anything that changed how i view myself...it was just having his company. it was just being able to sit there and listen to him go on about some totally random thing that he was exceptionally knowledgeable about. it was exploring caves and climbing hills. it was cooking together. it was talking about science. it was talking about love. it was talking about music. it was just having a consistent presence in my life, someone that treated me like a priority but never at the expense of himself, and someone i didn’t have to walk on any kind of eggshells around. it was someone who trusted me and respected me not by anything id done to warrant it, but just because of who i was. 

it was a reminder that i can take care of my own problems, that i just need to be a good presence in someone’s life and for them to be a good presence in mine.

but also that i can accept help from people who genuinely want to offer it! and that that help doesnt always have to be direct. that sometimes helping me means i get to do something nice for someone else LOL

it was everything i ever needed and i wasnt even looking for it. he meant the world to me and i was so, so thankful for the circumstances that led us here because i was so happy to have him in my life again. i was happy that we were able to get closer because we’d only been able to interact in professional environments before.

and then i realized i was in love. and i had a sexuality crisis. but i didn’t recognize it until i fell hard because it was a different kind of love than i’ve felt for anyone before. it was intense but entirely too comfortable. but i knew that i cared about him, and that he cared about me, and that i really didn’t need anything about our friendship to change but that it had potential to be something even greater than it was.

and i resolved to tell him about it...until he told me first. and that moment was, as cheesey as it sounds, nothing less than magical. we were both so happy and giggly and it was so sweet and warm and i dont know if im ever going to be able to recreate that feeling because it was just so particular, so specific to being something between me and him. its not that i cant love anyone else as strongly or be as happy as i was necessarily, but it’ll never be that same kind of feeling.

but things happened. things got complicated. i think he panicked. and then things that happened just felt so dirty and hollow and dark. he hurt me really, really, really badly, and it managed to happen in the span of four days.

and i’ve spent the last <2 weeks dealing with it. i think he’s dealing with it in his own ways, but realistically i don’t know how because i havent seen him since christmas eve, and we were both definitely not being completely genuine that day. was at his house for a small family party and he and i were the only ones who knew what happened. it was too soon to have healed from it any, but we couldnt exactly be honest about it then either.

and im doing better. im genuinely okay now. and, interestingly, i think i owe it to the past few months of hanging out with him and how ive been able to come to terms with a lot of things about myself. ive been able to show myself compassion. its really ironic.

its a situation where i was desperately trying to throw blame onto myself for, because if i could then i could punish myself for it and use it to fuel that deep rooted self hatred and then i could fix it, because i’d be the one responsible for fixing it. but, and i’ve talked to quite a few friends about it trying to figure out who to confide in about it, everyone who knows about it insists that i cant blame myself for it. theres not a thing about the situation that i can blame myself for. and its so fucking weird, because i cant bring myself to fully blame him for it either, just because it was so ABSURDLY out of character that it doesnt feel like it was anything he could have done to me. it was a boundary that i wasnt ever supposed to worry about him crossing, because he’s just not that kind of person.

and it’s the type of situation that you’re supposed to totally be willing to cut someone off for but...i can’t. he’s genuinely remorseful and i think he doesn’t really know how to deal with it either. and despite it being a massive fuck up its still like...the first fuck up in our friendship from either of us. and i’m willing to see this through. i think it’s salvageable, even if it’ll never be the same as it was. i have faith in our friendship. i think we can make it work.

but no matter what happens. i owe him more than i’ll ever be able to repay him for. and i’ll never, ever be able to hate him because of that. i’m in a much, much better place because of him and for that i’ll always be thankful.

#shut up mega #this ended up being longer and more in depth abt the earlier half of the year than i meant it LOL #a summary of my 2020 i spose #also there's some kinda detailed talk of #suicide ment - #self harm ment - #IM CRYING AFTER WRITING THIS OUT LMAOOOO