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bomberqueen17 · 12 days

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quick turnaround

The first chicken processing day is this coming tuesday. so we got back into town around 7pm last night, and I immediately put a load of laundry in.

This is mostly me wittering about chores and medical stuff, so, cut for boring, LOL.

it's cold and rainy here so I hung last night's laundry up on drying racks in the guest room, so mostly it is dry this morning-- delicates, so they didn't need to dry in the sun really-- and now this morning i've put in a second load and it's already on drying racks and some is on the line, it's not raining but it's cloudy so it'll dry slow, but like, trousers and t-shirts do better on the line than on racks. Yes I do own a dryer-- a gas dryer actually-- but it beats the fuck out of my clothes and I don't like to use it if I can in any way avoid it. (Mostly I use it to tumble towels and dress shirts for fifteen minutes, and then I hang them out once they're steaming and hot, and they dry without wrinkles that way. Yes I'm on the OCD spectrum, yes it mostly manifests about laundry. Hilariously, my farm BIL is also on the OCD spectrum, farther along it toward where it's actually a problem [mine is SO mild I don't claim it as a disorder at all, i just have things i Care About for Reasons], and has done tons of work on himself and tries to mask it, but once I understood that about him I understood that most of our lil workplace quarrels were our compulsions clashing, so I started making more concerted efforts to decide when to bow to his compulsions and when to advocate for mine, which in many cases are informed by superior knowledge as I've worked in food service more than him. I bow to him more on cleaning now because he does have prior janitorial experience. Unless I can prove he's wrong, LOL.)

I went off Ritalin mostly while on vacation-- I took it the morning I went fabric shopping because I thought it might help me actually make decisions, and that went well so maybe it worked. But that means I have extra pills, so I'm going to try to today take a morning and midday dose, while I have So Much To Do to prepare for the coming couple of weeks, and see if that plus the structure of this massive to-do list help me get anywhere. I just feel like if I can have this data before my next $300 3-minute psych consult I'll make more progress. Ritalin is better than Adderall (less brutal comedown, less getting "stuck")-- I *think*, but it's hard to tell. Vyvanse was also very hard to evaluate, is the problem, because that one I never did have any spare pills so I could never try an effective dose.

I do get it, i do get not giving me high doses when I'm so unsupervised, but-- for all of the medications, the first couple of days were weird and I had trouble hydrating and I was jittery and stuff, but it went away so quickly, I would have been fine with "take half dose two days, then ramp up to effective dose and see how it works" type directions, instead of "take what we know absolutely will be too little for you for two weeks and then come back and try to guess whether it helped", which has just meant I don't really have much data to on on here.

But. I've spent almost forty years needing this kind of medication and not able to access it at all, so I'm reminding myself that this is very rapid progress really.

So I figure I'll do a double dose today, a single tomorrow while I'm driving (maybe I will take that sole dose at midday, since driving is easy and boring but then I have work I need to get done all afternoon), and then I'll try either single or double dosing for the week of farm work until I can get my next appointment, depending how many pills I have. I want to be consistent but lol. It's not in my nature and it's not in my circumstances, so it can be a goal.

I also should write down what I realized about my sciatic nerve. I was joking that my knee caught a haunting in New Orleans somehow. Because it went from being a classic sciatic nerve pain situation-- starting in hip, through back of leg, ending at back of knee-- and wound up just being this horrible pinching pain right inside my knee, like not in the joint but somehow manifesting in a dimension extending from the back of my patella into Hell somehow-- and it was keeping me awake both when trying to nap during the day and also at night when trying to sleep. So I gave up on sleeping and sat on the couch to bitch about it in the complaints channel on the Discord where I'm mostly at home (it was a witcher server and over the last two or three years has mutated into just this ragtag group of us bitching about unrelated things and occasionally dumping fanworks on each other, sometimes about unrelated media)--

but here I'm gonna let you in on a secret, which is that complaining works sometimes. What? Yes. So in order to elicit maximal sympathy from my pocket friends by describing the problem really well (they're very good pocket friends, and many of them know things so describing stuff well sometimes means they have good advice, but even if not, I take satisfaction in communicating well, so I at least feel better about having done that), I really started paying attention to the pain, and I realized that what was happening was that it was sort of slowly throbbing on a cycle. I always knew where it was, but then it would get painful enough that I felt I had to move and change position, and it would stay at that level of pain for three or four seconds, and then taper off until I only just was aware of it, and then it would repeat-- and it was on a thirteen-to-fifteen-second cycle, and this is the crucial thing, it was unaffected by movement. I had been tossing and turning because what would happen was that it hurt badly enough that I felt I had to move it, and I would move and the pain would ease, and I would try to settle into a position, and then the pain would come back, and my half-asleep exhausted self thought that it was something I was doing. So it meant I was constantly moving, which meant I could not sleep. I had finally gotten out of bed and was alternating stretching and pacing, which seemed to be helping but then it was coming back, and the pacing sure as fuck wasn't helping me sleep, and I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong, until finally I stood still and timed it, and then moved and timed it, and realized it was the same.

Realizing that it was happening regardless of movement made me able to hold still while it hurt most acutely, and then sure enough it faded away. And once I knew that moving wouldn't help, I could ride out the urge to move. And once I wasn't constantly trying to find a comfortable position, I could rest. And once I was resting, I could fall asleep. Because this is the annoying thing-- the pain wasn't that bad, even. It's not the agony it has been in the past. I could move through it, easily. It was just too much to hold still through, until I realized that was what I needed to be doing.

So anyway-- traveling home it was mostly fine, it does not like standing in lines, and mostly i sat as much as possible, which isn't good for me long-term but i know over the next couple of weeks i will be doing a shitton of walking and standing so. we'll figure out tactics then.

so along with the ritalin i will be working out my ideal regimens of ibuprofen, aleve, and weed, LOL. Routine! I can make a routine. I can hinge my routine off other people's, which is what works well for me at the farm, and i can see if i can master the art of the amphetamines and maybe get some of my shit done.

Unfortunately all I want to do this week is sew, I watched all of the tourists and locals in NOLA and looked at what they were wearing and now know exactly what I want to make.

and i don't have time to do any of it. but. if i think about it and make concrete plans, i already own much of the fabric and most of the patterns i need. so i can do this. But I'll post separately about the Fashion Lewks I want to do, LOL.

I won't see my physical therapist again until like maybe early June. I counted it out and I've been doing physical therapy for about sixteen weeks at this point. My sister graduated from her physical therapy program and is out on her own now, having hugely improved. I can tell the bad hip is much improved but not healed-- sitting on the plane yesterday someone walked by and bumped my knee and it absolutely did make the cartilage flap go "pop" so that's not healed, but it hurt a lot less than that sort of thing used to. At the last appointment I had, the PT said I should just keep doing the exercises as my circumstances allow, and if they're too easy just increase reps etc., and we'd re-evaluate when I finally saw her again, because obviously I've had all these underlying cascading problems that can only be slowly solved by getting slowly stronger, so who knows.

I don't have concrete goals for that but I would really just. Like to be not-disabled, mostly. Every person has limits, every person is going to have to sit down sometimes, every person is going to have to think hard and make choices about what they do with their bodies-- it's just part of getting into your mid-forties, really-- so I can't just set my goal as being able to do whatever whenever. But I would like to be able to walk for longer distances, I would like to be able to wait in a line without paying for it for days, I would like to just generally be in better shape. So I guess I'll try to work toward that.

idk. and sometime in july my doctor wants me to re-test my fasting blood glucose because the only thing she cares about of my health is that i'm fat and she thinks putting me on metformin will make me not-fat. you'd think she'd have had some interest in diagnosing the pain that was making me unable to exercise but that was not on her radar i guess.

anyway. that's what i'm going to do to get me to june. it's all farm time for the rest of the month and i'm going to do physical therapy and take meth. we'll see how that goes.

#about the author #farm life #etcetera

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thecurseoflife · 3 months

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CHAPTER 22 : A traitor in the ranks

-What a night to raid a forge, right ?

Andrew's allies sighed. Ah, how they hated this man. But yet, they were here, late at night, ready to charge at his command.

-I don't think there's such a thing as a nice night to murder people.

-I mean we could be covered in blood and rain ! Now it's just blood.

-Great.

Camalia was slightly feeling ill. Her eyes glimmered a bit at the mention of murder. She hated talking about hurting people, and killing them was the worst kind of pain to give. But she couldn't show it. Suck it up, push it down, and forget about it forever. A very healthy coping mechanism.

-So are we going to stand around all day or are we going in ?

-In a second Juniper, be patient.

The warrior groaned.

-I've been patient for the last 15 minutes ! I don't understand what we're doing right now.

Suddenly Andrew tensed up and hold up his hand, effectively shutting everyone up. He waited a few seconds, then signaled everyone to move. They slowly made their way to the door, making sure to be invisible from the few windows in the building.

Kai was first and once everyone was ready, he burst the door open, shards of wood being splattered everywhere.

They all ran in, weapons ready, prepared to fight and maybe kill... no one. The forge was completely empty. Well, completely would be an exageration. There was blacksmith's tools laying around. They all turned to Andrew, back to them, wondering what to do next. He brutally threw his weapon on the ground and turned to them, furious. Despite his frantic gestures and terrifying expression, his voice was calm and low.

-There is no way they could have known. We have a mole.

Everyone tensed, and Juniper stepped forward, carefully.

-Wait, Andrew. Don't jump to conclusion, maybe the informations we got were wrong or-

The beautiful yet bloodcurdling man violently slammed his fist on a nearby table, effectively shutting her up, and making his allies jump a little.

-No. I know what I am saying, Juniper. Don't... contradict me.

He raised his fist a little, and all could see the mark his hand left on the wood. His gaze slowly analyzed his crew, judging their sweat, the trembling of their legs, any sign that could make him understand which one betrayed him. However, he didn't seem to find what he was looking for, and in a fit of rage, threw all the content of the table on the ground, making it fly everywhere. He left the forge fuming, enraged, feeling worse by the second.

It took a while for everyone in the forge to regain their composure, before following him silently, suspicious of everyone. No words were exchanged. They got back to the castle, went into their separate rooms and hopped to bed. No comments about the situation, no accusations, nothing.

Camalia was terrified. She knew this mission would be the one to compromise her the most, but she didn't expect such a strong reaction. She didn't regret anything, and would do it again, but she was afraid. What if someone saw her room empty ? What if someone had been onto her this whole time ? What if that someone tell on her ? Would she die ? Would anyone care ? She was so scared. So, so scared. Her guts were wrapped uncomfortably, her throat was tight and her nose tingly. She could feel her eyes burn, ready to let out tears, but she prevented it. She couldn't. What if...

In his bed, in the dark, staring at the ceiling, Varian knew. He was mortified, but he knew. And he didn't know what to do.

The next morning, they weren't woken up before the sun for a fruitless meeting. Good, they really needed that sleep. Especially since they all had trouble finding it. Except, of course, Clementine, that slept like a baby, right after convincing Andrew she couldn't be the spy and antagonizing the rest of the crew.

So, in the middle of the morning, they were in the kitchen, groggy and with dark circles under their eyes. The leader put his hand on the table, and all the attention turned to him.

-As you all know, we have a mole.

Juniper let out a groan, flopping on her chair.

-Andrew, PLEASE. There could be thousands of other ways they could have known. Or maybe they didn't and simply change location every so often.

The fabulous man slowly closed his eyes, his shaking breath slowly coming out of his mouth. Clearly containing his anger, Andrew spoke slowly, devoid of all emotions, and flat as can be.

-I am sure. Juniper. That we have. A. Mole. I don't have to explain myself to you.

Juniper rolled her eyes, clearly thinking he should, but said nothing. Starting a fight with with egocentric man would lead nowhere, and it would be more productive to simply search for the traitor, and once they don't find anyone, he'll admit he's wrong. He looked at her dead in the eyes, expecting a comeback, but once he was sure nothing would ensue, resumed his speech.

-That mole is dangerous. They probably already warned the rebellion of our plan, and is keeping tabs of our every move. Soon enough, they'll gather enough information to lead the rebellion in an attack against us. An attack that, with enough informations, they are sure to win. To avoid that from happening, we need to find that traitor. Right here. Right now.

Gazes were exchanged. Curious, suspicious, uninterested, worried... That meeting was going to split the group. Inevitably, hurtful things will be said, accusations thrown, and trust will break as soon as one start to speak. So, no one was saying anything. What a great way to prevent things, avoiding them altogether.

Annoyed that things weren't moving along, Clementine threw the first accusation.

-I have come to notice that both Maisie and Kai haven't been very present in the castle.

The two men immediatly stiffen, shocked.

-Excuse me, counter-attacked Maisie, but we have not seen much of you either. We simply do not cross path in this gigantic palace, is it really that suspicious ? Juniper can testify that we are very much present in the castle, to use your words.

-Yes, what he's saying is true. I often barge into their room unannounced and they're always there or working on something in the castle. I always find them relatively quickly.

Clementine gritted her teeth.

-Oh, what a convenient excuse for you Juniper. And who can "testify" of your whereabouts between those times then ?

Juniper's retribution was nothing but a muffled sound for Varian. He didn't need to think very long, throw random insults, or any of this to know who was the traitor. Well, to have a good idea of who it might be. But what if he was wrong ? What if it wasn't her ? He had to make sure. He had to know.

But how ? His throat was tight, his body was sweating, his mind was foggy. It should be easy. Ask her, just ask the question. In the middle of the commotion, of the screams and the shocked gasps. They were the only one still seated on their chair, Varian staring at her in hesitation and dread. What if he is right then, mh ? What would he do ? Was this really another betrayal ? How come it didn't feel like it at all. No. No, no, no. Don't... overthink before knowing the truth. Come on. Just open your mouth, and...

-Camalia...

It was soft, hesitant, almost whispered. Yet it catched her attention immediatly. She looked up from the ground she had been staring it, her eyes wide in fear. Droplets were running down her face, crashing down on the chair, beside her hands tightly gripped to the wood.

-Are you...

He stopped, once again doubting, questionning whether he actually wanted to know or not. But her expression had brutally calmed down, and she seemed determined...no. She seemed accepting.

-Are you the traitor, Camalia ?

-Yes.

Glass shattered, and they turn their head to the noise only to see all the Saporians staring at them. Juniper, Maisie and Kai seemed horrified, while Clementine had a wicked smile and Andrew's face fell as dark as ever. Camalia felt the oh so familiar tingle of fear travel through her back, but she didn't mind. She closed her eyes, and with a faint smile, waited for her sentence.

FIRST | Previous | Next

WHAT’S THIS ?

#tangled the series #tangled #tts #the curse of life #varian

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bloggingthingsidk · 2 years

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ugh being here in San Antonio has been hell. Elevation levels screwing with my head which I guess explains why I was messed up last year and thought it was just booze or something even on days I wasn't drinking. My BIL constantly insults me or is rude and makes me feel lesser than. It’s been stressful and triggered disorders that I had finally mostly overcome. I can tell he quietly dislikes me but won't outwardly state it. Understandable though. I don't like me either.

BUT on the positive side, I suppose maybe I needed this to get a break from my toxic parents and from the anxiety of money-related crap I’ve been dealing with all year. A break from one hell to deal with another kind of hell. I finally have some peace today. My sis' and BIL are out. They've been here for four days. I love and care about them and I am so glad they had days off, but I fear I'm being too much for them. Plus, I got really annoyed Saturday when BIL loudly said "SUN'S UP SO I'M UP" waking me up. I just don't want to be awake and don't see a point to being awake. We didn't even do anything that day. Not that I minded since it was a nice quiet day and it rained. I spent the day just watching videos on my phone. Anyways, I felt relieved not feeling stressed out being in their presence for a couple hours. They return back in an hour.

Today woke up with a bad headache that won't go away. Last night we went to my sis's own standup show that is located in a section of San Antonio that is on a hill meaning extremely high up. My ears kept hurting. I also made the mistake of trying a pumpkin spice martini. It contained milk and made me feel sick. Also I realized that I'll never make it in showbiz like my sis'. I don't have any friends and I have too much anxiety. I was in awe at her huge circle of comedian connections and the fact she hosts her own shows now every Monday night inviting other comedians to attend. That's amazing and I am proud of her. I wish I could obtain such things. I felt left out when I was the only one sitting in a corner as everyone chatted. I did attempt to socialize but I can tell no one really likes me so I just sat quietly and played Pokemon Go to pretend I wasn't there.

This weekend I get to go back home. Ugh, back to my dad banging at my door every freaking hour. I think I'm going to spend my time in the mornings heading to the gym. Today I tried taking the trash out and couldn't even lift the bag. It was a huge pain taking it down the stairs. There are no wheels so I could create a makeshift transportation device and I'm too tired to attempt creating anything so I just dragged it. LIFTING IT into the trashcan was also hell and hurt my back. I fell over. why. the sun was also stabbing at my skin. at least i cleaned/organized my section in the living room where I've been staying and snapped receipts for points and cleaned the kitchen. well anyways, here's a post.

#september #6 #2022 #09/06/22 #blog

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swanimagines · 3 years

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Can you write G4. Them giving you their jacket with Kaz x fem!Reader?

Fandom: Shadow and Bone

A/N: I was hoping someone would pick that prompt ngl XD Almost sent it to myself. Also this is the actual scene from one of my other drabbles where Jesper teased Y/N about this but I wanted to write it as a real drabble 😊 I changed one thing though but other than that it’s the same scene (this scene in itself wasn’t included in that drabble though, obviously). I hope you like it!

Also I know it's been over a week since my last piece, I just got my wisdom tooth removed and of course with my luck the hole got infected so I've been in a lot of pain and I feel a little rusty because of that but I'm trying to get myself back together.

Warnings: not a warning but I’ll still clarify that this is written with female reader in mind (as requested)!

Word count: 543

Rain was pounding against the roof of the barn as you had come to hide there after a heist. It hadn’t gone entirely as planned. Even though you did get most of the treasure smuggled away, guards had spotted you before you could exit the mansion’s grounds.

You were all running to the barn to escape the quickly worsening rain as sky had apparently decided to make the escape even more difficult, but on the other hand, you had managed to lose the guards long ago to the thunder and they would never find you here.

Only that you couldn’t get to the inn like you had planned to, it was too dangerous in the middle of the thunder and slippery roads, which meant that you had had to find shelter and you still had your undercover dress on without a chance of changing it to your regular, warmer clothes. You cursed under your breath, shivering from cold and the roaring thunder wasn’t stopping anytime soon, so it dangerously seemed like you’d have to spend the night at the barn.

You just hoped you wouldn’t freeze to death during sleeping. You tried to find something to put over you, even considered burrowing yourself into a pile of hay, but ultimately ended up sleeping at the far corner in hopes the wind wouldn’t get to you so easily. You fell to sleep, but just before you did, you felt how something warm was put over you.

---

The first rays of sunlight pierced through the barn’s roof as birds sang, and you slowly opened your eyes. The rain had ended, the air smelled fresh aside from the stench of hay.

“Good morning sunshine.” Jesper’s voice said and you groaned, rolling over to your back before you slowly sat up, a black, long jacket dropping off from your shoulders and folding on your lap. You stared at it for a moment, but then smiled at Jesper in gratitude.

But Jesper’s next words were something you weren’t expecting.

"He doesn't give his jacket to anyone, you know?" Jesper grinned at you as he polished his gun. You looked at the jacket, then back at Jesper.

“This… this isn’t yours?” you stuttered out and the Zemeni boy let out a short laugh.

“I thought you knew that black is not my style.” he told you and gestured to his jacket which was on. “Besides, I don’t carry multiple jackets with me on heists.”

Your eyes widened, the realization slowly setting in. Inej didn’t own a jacket like this. But you knew that it would be highly unlikely that Kaz would have given you his jacket and be cold himself. So you caught a final possible chance. “Oh, did someone steal an extra jacket?”

“Oh Saints Y/N, you know whose it is. He tried to be sneaky about it, but we all know he likes you.” Jesper groaned and looked towards your carriage, and you followed his gaze, seeing Kaz and Inej preparing the horses so you’d get going again.

Kaz didn’t have his jacket on.

“You actually mean to say that Kaz-” you squeaked, looking at Jesper again, who just grinned again as he flipped the gun back to his waist.

“I told you he likes you.”

@musicallisto @take-me-to-ny @mindofasupernova @lxncelot @xxxtwilightaxelxxx @someoneovertherainboww @vintagebitc @fandomstuffff @montsepliego @amwitherspoon @number-0-iz @tranquilitymoon @just-a-new-start @kaqua @booksreplacedmysoul @readingslumpfanfic @dancingwith-sunflowers @shadowhuntyi @rika90 @imma-too-many-fandoms @the-abyss-gazed-back @thereagles @kiwijulia @beatitlikeabongodrum @louweasleymalfoy @aliiiyyaaah @malfoys-demigod // reply to this post or send me an ask or IM if you want to be added to the Shadow and Bone tag list!

#kaz brekker x reader #kaz brekker imagine #kaz brekker drabble #shadow and bone #shadow and bone imagine #sab #sab imagine #my works #imagine #imagines #reader insert #female reader #kaz brekker

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apixrl · 3 years

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DRIVER'S LICENSE.

katsuki bakugou x fem! reader

WARNING(S): angst. cheating. swearing because it's bakugou.

word count: 4.5k

song: drivers license // olivia rodrigo (i wonder why...)

note(s): so i captioned this *at the time of writing* 'hello and welcome to i've had the worst two weeks ever so i wrote a katsuki oneshot to cope' and it's probably one of my most personal pieces of writing tbh

"-come Tuesday and we'll potentially see an end to this heavy downpour of rain. Temperatures will be on the rise to around-"

The talk on the radio cut short at the jab of your finger, heaving a great sigh which faded into the muffled pitter-patter of rain from outside. The streets had been showered with heavy downpours for the last week or so, no sign of sun or a still and restful day. Notwithstanding the miserable outdoors, the windscreen wipers on your car never ceased in their duty to grant you a clear view of the road ahead. And whilst you were grateful for their devotion, it didn't feel clear in the slightest. In fact, the road had never felt so blurry.

Shivering against the cold night chill and tucking your knees cosily to your chest, you eyed the raindrops on the windows. They raced against one another before they dripped down to your car's body, their glossy presence obvious thanks to the many hues of street lamps that surrounded them. You could have watched them for hours, being honest. Something about the droplets of water battling it out quite enticing. Anything to take you away from the cruel reality you were living in.

Your heart ached and yearned. But to no avail, the one you ached and yearned for didn't love you back.

Not anymore, at least.

Just the mere thought provoked a pulsating pang to resonate throughout your entire body. A pang filled with grief and sadness. Anger and hurt. You missed his sun-kissed face on the sunny mornings. You missed his eyes and how they gazed at you from across the room. You missed the smiles and laughter he would only show for you and you alone. The sense of glee and euphoria that came with that honour. Yet all of it was gone and there was no way you could get it back.

The memories of what had been triggered more waterworks. Hot, salty tears dug at the corners of your eyes and trickled down your face. Your motionless car concealed your cries and sobs. Every thrash against the wheel as you questioned to nobody in particular what went wrong and why. How you didn't see the signs sooner. What you could have done better. When he stopped loving you. If he ever planned to stop loving you. Whether it would have hurt more if you found out sooner.

All these questions with nothing to answer them.

Katsuki Bakugou had always fascinated you. From the very moment you met. You accompanied your friend on a double date, and he was the guy who she matched for you. Whilst he originally acted as though a blind date was the last place he wanted to be, underneath the aggression you could tell there was something much more genuine and true.

And your assumptions were correct. Truth be told, Katsuki Bakugou was one of the most genuine and truest people you had met (at the time). Once it was just the two of you, he allowed his true colours to unveil. Through the smallest of kind gestures that still haunted your mind to this day. Then upon confrontation, as you bid each other goodbye at your back door, his denial resulted in a flirtatious contest which then proceeded to an intimate night that changed your life forever. From there your mind was set.

He was the one.

Emphasis on was.

So blinded with a fairy tale love you grew so accustomed to, you never saw it coming. Never in your two-year relationship - that had so much strength and commitment built on top of it, never did you think that Katsuki Bakugou would throw it all out of the window like it was nothing. Disregard your loyalty and adoration for a drunken one night stand that slowly became an occasional hookup. Which soon became a mandatory pastime once a fortnight. Then twice. Maybe more than that. You wouldn't put it past him with what you knew now.

He kept it from you for nearly six months. Six months. The only reason you discovered his lies and deception was because you were let off early one night from work. You worked a night shift, see. Your last job had fallen to shambles, and it was temporary whilst you searched for a new one. And whilst that did take a toll on your relationship with Katsuki Bakugou, mostly finding time for intimacy since his working hours were during the day, none of that gave him any right to go and do what he did.

That wasn't one of the only reasons, you knew that for sure. There were other motives for his lack of loyalty. But you were never told. After you froze at the sight of another woman under his hold and stormed straight back to your car to flee. After he chased you down the flights of stairs in nothing but baggy pants into the streets of a twilight Musutafu. After you screamed into the darkness and belted your fists against his chest. Fists that were driven with rage and hurt and every emotion that burned like the hottest of fires and froze like the coldest of ice. He never even told you. He never made an effort to address it. Nor had he attempted to call or even try to visit your Mom's house - where you stayed as you searched for a permanent place to live. Just because you retreated for your car and cried that it was over, he never tried. But that didn't mean you weren't allowed an explanation. An apology. Something to give you a form of closure and a reason to move on. But you never did.

That wasn't even what hurt the most, either.

As silly as it was, the thing that hurt you the most was the very car you sat in.

EIGHT MONTHS AGO . . .

The red glow of traffic lights hit Katsuki's vermilion irises as he stared dead ahead at the long line of vehicles, the ash-blond heaving a sigh into the air. His finger tapped impatiently against the steering wheel he gripped with one hand, the spare rested casually against your upper thigh affectionately.

"I can't believe we have to sit through this torture just to go to some damn party," Katsuki grumbled, taking a glance over at you. His brows furrowed when he met you peacefully slouched down, nose dug into your phone as you presumably played some sort of game to pass the time. Like you had no care in the world for your predicament.

"It's your best friend's birthday, love," You mused back, Katsuki surprised you even listened based on your focused expression directed towards your phone. "It's not like we can just miss it,"

"Yeah, but we could have missed all this pain by taking the train instead of driving across town during rush hour,"

"Trains are icky, the seats would have ruined your suit and my dress," You pointed out, looking at the blond over your screen, sending him a sweet smile. He cocked a brow, a smirk creeping its way onto his lips as a scoff of a laugh broke out between them.

"Right, and laying down like a sloth is gonna help keep your dress uncreased?" He returned, amused at your realisation. At his comment, you sat up faintly and pouted your lip.

"Driving means more time to play Gravity Pops, and so does traffic,"

"Seriously? That's the game you're playing? You're such a dumbass,"

"Yes! I'm in the top 11% globally! I need to get to number one!" Was your protest, your arms flailing ahead of you briefly for dramatic emphasis. Katsuki clicked his tongue and rolled his eyes, though the small smile plastered over his lips betrayed his initial reaction. Unable to deny your determination, he spoke with confidence and almost a sense of pride.

"Number one, hm? Clearly rubbing off on you aren't I?"

"In a way, yes,"

"That's my girl," Katsuki remarked, earning a giggle from you that was uplifting to hear. It was there your attention went back to your phone, but Katsuki wasn't done. "So, speaking of cars, Y/N," Hearing his chosen tone - which sounded suggestive, you eyed him closely. Hesitant to reply as you had a sense of what he planned to say.

"...Yes?"

"Have you thought any more about getting your driver's license yet?"

Called it.

"...No,"

"What?" Katsuki began, tilting his head. He was surprised that he felt surprised. You had said those words in regards to this topic countless times. Still, he persisted. "Is that a no meaning you haven't or no meaning that you don't want to?"

"Both?" You half-guessed, sheepishly grinning at the look you were sent. "Look, cars scare me okay? And so do roads. And people. My nerves wouldn't be able to handle it! I can barely communicate with people face to face, so me being on the road is a recipe for disaster!"

"I know but -," Katsuki exhaled sharply, understanding your reasoning. You had voiced these concerns when confiding to Katsuki about your fears of the road. Something built and corrupted from social media as well as phobias and fears in general, it was a battle you had yet to overcome. You wanted to drive but was terrified of messing up or causing chaos on the road. Potentially inflicting harm to someone and yourself. You still weren't sure what triggered it all, but over the years it had manifested into something quite irrational, to say the least. Katsuki had been supportive of it and whilst he truly would love to always act as your personal taxi - you couldn't hide from it forever. It wasn't his job to keep you in your comfort zone. That, and he couldn't always be there for you that way. What if he was miles away and you had somewhere urgent to go like the hospital? "It's not as scary as you think. I know it's hard to believe that but seriously. The freedom you get from driving is amazing,"

"I'll think about it a little longer, okay?" You said with hesitancy, looking at Katsuki for a sign of confirmation. He nodded in defeat, knowing you probably needed more time and felt put on the spot. So he averted his eyes back to the road to check if the traffic had moved at all. It had not.

"Okay," Katsuki said. "But I can't be your taxi service forever,"

"But I like you being my taxi service," You jokingly said, a little sadness in your tone. "Your road rage is funny and I like watching you get out of the car and walk to my door after pulling up in my driveway,"

"What do you mean?" Katsuki asked, catching the twitch of a smile on your face upon saying those words. It struck his interest in what you could mean.

"You know, like when you say you're coming to pick me up?" You explained. "You pull up at my driveway and I don't know... simple things like that just remind me of how much I love you. It's dumb really, but it's important to me,"

"Really?" Katsuki questioned in disbelief. How something so small and meaningless could mean so much was puzzling. He couldn't understand why it was so special to you. But that didn't invalidate it in any shape or form. So he pushed that aside, replacing his wonder with gratitude. He returned to your bashful and flustered features, feeling a smile grow on his face.

"Yeah," You said, shrugging to downplay your words. "I love you. Stuff like that means a lot to me,"

"I love you too, even though you're a dumbass," Katsuki said, humbled by what you had said. The two of you shared a gentle exchange, your hand grabbing hold of Katsuki's as you gave it a squeeze. He squeezed back, and silence ensued. Had he realised such a thing sooner, then Katsuki would have pulled up in your driveway much more than he had been doing. But at that a thought struck his mind, victoriously smirking as he had an idea on how to potentially sway your worries. Or begin swaying it. Something was better than nothing, after all. "But what if I wanted you to pull up in my driveway one day?" His words caused you to look over at him in curiosity, hearing the seriousness in the question. It caught you off guard momentarily, having to contemplate as you gradually concluded that he had a point.

"Well one day, maybe I will," You vaguely replied and sat up a little bit. The hand holding yours pulled back and lifted to land on your shoulder, gripping reassuringly tight.

"I hope you do, I'd like to get in on this driveway action," He joked and smirked, faith riddled in his expression. You giggled ever so slightly, tempted to lean forward and peck Katsuki on the lips in thanks, but never a thing was to happen as the alerting red light from outside switched to warm amber.

"Ah!" Katsuki yelled in triumph, his attention leaving you swiftly as he got back into the driver's seat. Giving you no opportunity to respond to him and overall ruining the moment. "Took fucking long enough!"

The light turned green, and he set the car in motion, leaving you with your thoughts and the words he had uttered that day as the traffic stood still.

All your efforts, all your time devoted to getting over your fear of driving and the road as a whole... all of it was pointless. You did it for him. You promised him you would overcome your fears and better yourself. He built that motivation up brick by brick until you could grab hold and seize control. He wasted all that time to get you to reach such a stepping stone only to abandon it once it was through.

Just so you could pull up in his driveway, just like he requested. And what did you get in return when you finally did? A stab in the back and the loss of your other half.

You wiped your eyes via the sleeve of your hoodie, dampening the cuffs. Sniffling and exhaling a shaky breath, your gaze landed on nothing in particular. Yet somewhere within your clouded mind, you found interest. As that was where your gaze remained for a certain amount of time. You weren't sure how long exactly. It could have felt like an hour and only been five minutes. Or it could have felt like five minutes and was actually an entire hour. Either way, the clock ticked on and didn't wait for you to stop.

It was a good thing you had pushed your fears down and rose above them. It just pained you that you didn't even do it for yourself. Without Katsuki Bakugou, you never had any intentions of doing so. As a matter of fact, you had set out to take the train or bus for the rest of your life. Hell, you were going to use a bike and scooter if you got desperate. Had he even acknowledged how much work you put in just to get where you were? Was all that effort part of the reason why he decided to cheat? There was absolutely no telling. Absolutely no telling at all.

You wondered what he was doing now. Was he laid in bed resting peacefully? Out with his friends for a boy's night only? Maybe cooking his favourite curry? Possibly on a late-night jog despite the harsh weather? It never stopped him other times.

Did he ever think about you? Regret what he did and the actions he took? Had he ever considered apologising? Would he ever apologise? What if he was celebrating the fact you were no longer in his life? Had there ever been any love there for you in the start? Did he ever actually want you to get your driver's license because he believed in you? Or was it so he could get rid of you with much more ease? Make his departure less severe and less selfish? A way to justify his choices because it's not like you were hopelessly left to suffer everyday life now that you had a means of transport. Was he really that cruel?

Your thoughts were interrupted by the sharp jingle of your phone, the device lighting up as it sat in the passenger seat to your left. It took two or three rings for you to glance over at it, E/C eyes sore and drained from crying out. You squinted them to read the caller, seeing the name 'Work' fade in and out on the brightly lit screen. For a second or two you argued back and forth on whether to even bother picking up. Something about reaching across for your phone requiring a magnitude of energy you no longer possessed. Having spent it all on your cries of agony and the deprivation of your old life as a whole.

However, you had ignored your work in the last couple of weeks too many times now. So many times that pulling the same stunt again would probably risk you losing your job. It's not like your work was interested in why you felt such overwhelming pain... all they cared about was you turning up to do what you were hired to.

So using a forceful hand, you leaned over to pick it up. You fumbled to grip your phone and accepted the call with a dainty tap of your thumb. Then you blinked away your tears and subtly sniffed, pressing your phone to your ear to address the caller.

"Hello?" You practically croaked, quick to clear your throat and push any signs of upset down. It was presumably dry from how much you'd cried in the last two hours.

"L/N! Hey! Glad you finally picked up!" Unlike the droll and unvarying tones of your boss, the person on the other end was much more lively and greeting. So much so you could only assume it was none other than your work colleague, Etsuko. Probably the only person you genuinely liked where you worked, and the only person who made the time pass by faster. "I was worried you were gonna leave me on answer phone again,"

"Hm, what? Oh right. Yeah. Sorry about that. Haven't been feeling too great," You lied, even though it wasn't a complete fib. You hadn't been feeling great at all. You had never felt so rock bottom. It all just originated from your mind over anything else. But when did work care about that?

"Sounds like it, I hope you've been okay!" Still cheery as ever, Etsuko followed up with a laugh to fill the silence you created by not saying anything. "Is everything well? It's nothing serious, is it?"

"No. It's not. Just some dumb cold I caught," You excused. "I'm better now, though," Slouching down in your seat, you decided to ask the question that had been roaming your mind the last minute or so. "So why are you calling?"

"Oh, right!" Etsuko said. "Mr Kobashigawa was just wondering when you planned on coming back - for schedule reasons and to get people to fill in for your shifts,"

"I er...," Not entirely sure how to answer, you stuttered as your words cowered away in your attempt to speak. "I don't -,"

"It's okay, he doesn't need an answer yet," Etsuko reassured. "Maybe in the next day or two, though? He wasn't really specific, being honest,"

You sighed at the guilt brewing in your stomach. You weren't even sick for crying out loud! Why were you lying just so you could wallow in your own sadness?! Like that was going to change anything! Sitting around and crying wasn't going to give you what you wanted. You weren't getting him back. Katsuki Bakugou wasn't yours anymore. He made that clear by cheating. By making minimal effort to give you an explanation. By causing you so much pain with little care or concern. Why couldn't you get it through your thick skull that your feelings didn't matter anymore?! That they were being wasted on a lost cause. A lost relationship!

"Well I mean -," You started, running a hand through your hair as you tread carefully on your words. "I could come in tonight? Has Mr Kobashigawa got someone to fill for me yet?"

"Um... no? I don't think so?" Etsuko answered, uncertainty in her voice. "Let me go check. Be right back!" And with that, the line fell dead. The call didn't end, just Etsuko placing the phone down to get an answer for you. Leaving you all by your lonesome once more.

Reflecting, you could see the logic in your thoughts. The best course of action would be to hold your head up high and live life the way it was before. When you were happy. Just... excluding the factors that actually made you happy. Which was him. Wouldn't that be healthier than crying all the time?

Yes, it would. But was it what you wanted? Not really.

"L/N!" The voice in your ear startled you to the point you nearly dropped your phone, panicking through a gasp as you fiddled to grab hold of it again.

"Wa-! Careful you nearly scared me half to death!"

"Oops, sorry!" Etsuko giggled softy, sounding as perky as ever. "I'm just excited to tell you that nobody's filling in your shift! You can still come in for ten-thirty!"

"I-I can?" You asked. After an upbeat 'yeah!' filtered through your ears, you considered your options. Remaining in the serene, quiet confines of your car with only the downfall of rain to accompany you sounded like utter bliss, given how you felt. But you felt an internal kick up the backside which told you - no... demanded you to just get over this moping attitude of yours and look on the bright side. To get over the lack of closure and simply... move on.

Yeah... if he found out you were an utter train wreck thanks to the damage he inflicted; Katsuki Bakugou would probably revel in it. He had a history of gaining pleasure from other's misfortunes... or it was rumoured he did (during his younger years, anyway). You had never wanted to believe it but you couldn't find a reason to refute it anymore. After all you had been through, it seemed to fit his character and personality more than ever. So with that fact apparent, you held a firm forefront and searched for a determined tone, and made your answer to your friend.

"You betcha I'm coming in! I'll see you in half an hour!"

Too enthusiastic? Probably. Still, it was better than acting pessimistic and hopeless. No matter, however, because that was exactly the attitude Etsuko had been hoping for.

"Alrighty!" She exclaimed, smile audible in her voice from the other end. "I can't wait to get our dynamic duo going again! I've missed you!"

"Yeah, me too, 'Suko," You hummed in agreement.

"Great! Catch ya later my partner in crime,"

"Heh. You too, dumbass," You found a reason to smile from her childish behaviour, though your choice of wording seemed to hit a nerve. It did more than that, it practically reverted all that confidence and progress you had made in the last ten minutes of being on the phone. All from one innocent word that escaped your lips.

Dumbass.

That's what he used to call you.

The phone call had ended without you even noticing, your phone still pressed to your ear as a small buzz sounded into it. You stared dead ahead, flashes of all the times he had said that word to you running through your memory. It was his form of a pet name. Some might see it as a little degrading on the surface, but you never minded. Once you learned the deeper meaning of the name, it became something equivalent to the likes of 'Sunshine' or 'Angel'. If anything, you ended up preferring it to those sorts of nicknames. Hence why Katsuki Bakugou had called you it on so many occasions.

No. Stop it. You can't let something like that bother you. Not after the efforts you just went to. Stop. Shaking yourself out of it, you returned to reality and permitted your phone to drop onto your lap. Your hand once holding it gripped onto your steering wheel, the other following shortly behind to do the same.

"I love you too, even if you're a dumbass,"

That rung in your head one final time, tormenting and mocking your present. The things you'd be willing to do to hear him say that to you one last time...

"No," You firmly shook your head, banging it lightly against the headrest to return yourself to reality. An attempt to knock those words to the back of your mind where you could lock them in a securely tight safe for the rest of eternity. "Just... just don't think about it. Easy. Just focus on what you're doing now," You reached for your keys which sat in the ignition, taking hold and turning them ever so slightly. Your car stirred to life, engine rumbling and the dials lighting up in a form of warm greeting. "You're going to work. No more feeling sorry for yourself,"

No more feeling sorry for yourself.

Your eyes set themselves on the road ahead. The vacant, dark and solitary road that didn't wait for you to make your decision. Life moved on after all, so if you were going to do anything - it was to catch up and take the winning lead.

So despite your circumstances; your inner desires and wishes and begs for what you wanted back but to no avail would ever get, you pulled out of your parking space (which had long exceeded the time limit, thankfully nobody was around to see) that drowned in pitiful rains of the night, and began to make your way down the street. In search of a place better than the one you were trapped in.

An endless road that wasn't all that clear, you were going to tackle it. Not for anyone else, unlike the last time you met difficulty and hardships. No, no, no. This time it was for your sake. All the mental energy to recover and become a better version of yourself, in the endgame it was all for you. You could push past all the deceit and lies you had been told and you could push past your normality which was him. Katsuki Bakugou. The man that hurt you as nobody had ever done before. You could create new normality without him.

A thought of forever he created and destroyed, resorted to driving alone past his street, never to be thought of again.

#katsuki bakugō #katsuki bakugo x reader #bnha bakugo katsuki #bnha x reader #mha x reader #bakugou x reader #anime x reader #anime #x reader #angst #katsuki bakugou x female reader #katsuki bakugou x you #katsuki x y/n #katsuki bakugou

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straykidsworldwild · 3 years

Text

Duskwood

Phil Hawkins x MC

Part 1 : MC is having a horrible, horrible day and she goes to the Aurora to have a drink.

(⚠️Sad. Some swearing ⚠️)

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Heyy guys!! Here's a little Phil Hawkins one shot part 1 because there's not enough Duskwood imagines 🙈

(pictures aren't mines but I made the collage and the character aren't mines. All rights go to Duskwood creators and owners of the pics.)

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My day was total crap... I don't believe I've had such a horrible day before. Or at least, not for a long time... It feels like everything is falling apart little by little. Like nothing is meant to go normally. I woke up like any other day, and yet, it feels like I woke up in a chaotic world where everything is meant to go wrong... Since that call, everything is going downhill...

The night has fallen which means I have officially done my day. It felt like forever... Like I am in an endless loop... And since I was meant to do the closing, my day felt even longer than usual. I just finished cleaning the little restaurant I worked at and closed it. It's not a job I would want to do my whole life, even though it is nice to work in a restaurant, but I need money to pay for my college study. My mom is helping pay for them, but I'm trying to pay as much as I can on my own. Anyway... I am walking in the streets of Duskwood which are beamed by the streetlights. It is surprisingly emptier than usual. I guess it's due to the rain... Like my day wasn't cloudy enough already... I think I need a break... Yeah... I need a drink...

I walk toward a familiar building, some greenish-blueish light lightening the area. Aurora... The famous bar of Duskwood owned by my best friend's brother. I've rarely been there alone... Usually I go with the rest of the group. But I really need... Ugh... Maybe I should just go home? Isn't it too late to go there anyway? Ugh... I'm asking myself too many questions. I guess a drink really won't hurt. I reach the door before falling face to face with a sign. CLOSED. Great... I sigh disappointed as I am standing under the rain. Oh... But he is still here. Through the window, I can see a familiar figure cleaning the place. Oh well, I'm neither here nor there... I lift my hand and knock on the door of the bar. The man turned around as I got his attention. I cross my arms over my chest and notice that the rain has already soaked my hair and my vest. I must look awful... The man comes up to the door and opens it for me.

- Gorgeous! Come in before you catch a cold, tells me, the man, using that nickname he always does. I don't know why he does it... I never heard him calling other girls like this. Well, he does use pet names but not this specific one. I step in the bar and he closes the door behind me. You know I love you very much but I'm about to close so... He begins to tell me with his famous smirk despite the little fatigue I can see on his face. His hair is held up in a bun as he usually does when he works. He is wearing a white shirt, letting his huge tattoo on his neck appear, and a black trousers. By the sight of his eyes, I can tell he had a long day too...

- I just need one drink, Phil, I simply answer to my friend. My voice sounded so... Tired and flat. Phil looks at me with a slight surprise, losing slowly his smile. I guess the sound of my voice surprised him. Please... I plead to him with the same tone.

- I would never say "no" to my favorite customer, would I? He answers with a smirk. I faintly smile back at him, happy that finally something goes well. For now... He could have said "no". The two of us walk over to the bar and I sit on a stool while he goes behind the counter. We're alone in the bar since he was about to close so it's pretty quiet. The usual I guess, he tells me with his deep and calm voice.

- Actually... Whiskey. Pure, I reply, stopping him in his momentum. Phil looks back at me for a second, processing my words.

- Wow, I knew you had that wild part in you, Gorgeous, but I didn't think I would ever see it, he tells me with a surprised tone again. Yet, he doesn't seem to dislike it. Phil gets two glasses and he pours a little bit of the beverage in the glasses.

- A little more, please... I tell him with the same flat and tired voice. I stop myself from letting a long sigh out. Again, I feel his eyes burning me before he pours a little more alcohol. Thanks, I thank him.

- On the house, he tells me, leaning against the counter as he raises his glass. I was about to retort but he gave me a look, telling me he won't change his mind.

- Double thanks, I thank him again, clinking my glass with him before taking a sip. Argh... That tastes awful! I can feel the liquid burning my throat.

- So... I know I act like I am very happy to see you, which is the case, don't get me wrong, Gorgeous, he begins to tell me before rapidly correcting himself. But I also see that you're not fine, MC, Oh... I look down as I take a deep breath in. It must not be very hard to see I had a bad day then... Usually I can hide it pretty well... But right now. It's too deep, too much. I'm not even sure "bad" is a strong enough word to describe how crappy my day was. What's wrong? He asks me, sounding calm, gentle and interested, yet, with a point of concern.

- I'm okay, Phil, I softly respond to my friend while slowly shaking my head negatively.

- Mmh... This "I'm okay" sounded more like a "I'm-not-okay-but-I-am-putting-a-brave-face-on". Like a hidden call for help, he tells me gently, yet, seriously. His deep voice is just so... Irresistible, and always so calm. Who could resist it? Well... I guess at this moment I can. My mind is too bothered and busy right now. I crack a very faint smile before looking down at my glass again. I take a sip of it and lightly grimace to the taste of the drink. Who hurt you? He asks me seriously as he takes a cigarette and the lighter. Who… Why someone and not something?

- It's not about me, I respond in a whisper, lying to him. I hate talking about myself when I'm down. I don't want to bother people with my problems... I don't want to be the one to bring negative vibes. Oh no... I turn lightly my head to the side as I feel the tears coming up. I need a break... I need to break.

- Lie, he simply says. I don't look at him and I don't contradict him either. What happened? He asks again with seriousness, not letting this subject aside. I don't answer again. I can feel a lump in my throat. The tears are thick in my eyes and threatening to fall at any time now. MC, talk to me. I'm not here to judge you or... I hide my face even more as I can't stop myself from grimacing sadly. I can't take it... I let a sob out accidentally as if my body is talking for myself. I want to scream. But I can't... MC... He calls me with concern. Phil puts down his cigarette and walks around the counter to join my sides. I don't move and keep my back to him. I hate when people see me crying... Phil puts his hand on my shoulder so I could face him but I push it away, not too harshly, but not too gently either. I let another sob out as I closed my eyes. The tears are so thick and warm... There's so much emotion in them. They roll down my cheeks regularly, evacuating my pain. Without saying a word, I feel a pair of arms holding me. A chest lays against my back. My hair was all wet... His shirt must be wet too by now. It's okay, MC, I hear him whispering. I should push him away. I know how Phil is with girls... Isn't it too easy to cry in front of him and him then being too nice? I know he is my friend and my best friend's brother, but... God, I'm lost. Usually I go to Jessy or I call her. But I came here... Why? Ugh...

- I'm sorry... I whisper shakily through my sobs. I came for a drink and I ended up breaking in front of him...

- No, it's okay. Get it out, he says with a comforting and calm tone. It actually sounds weird coming from him... I know Phil for a few years and he was never like this. I mean, he is always calm but caring like this? That's rare... More than rare. Long minutes later, I slowly calm down. I am still breathing lightly shakily but I'm not sobbing anymore. Only a few tears here and there stream down my eyes. I take a deep breath in and out before wiping my cheeks. I don't remember when was the last time I cried this much... It hurts. It hurts so much. I accumulated too much. I didn't break when mom told me about my uncle's death… I guess I didn't realize what was real and happening at the moment… Or I didn't want to believe it… That built up on my nerves and… This is the result. Slowly, I pull myself away from Phil who didn't let go of me one second. I turn around to face him, but avoid his eyes. Like I thought, the top of his shirt is all wet, letting his tattoos appear a little more on his chest. I'm still confused about what just happened... That's not me to cry in front of people like this... And that's definitely not the Phil I know. Tell me what's wrong, Gorgeous, he says seriously, still wanting to know what got me in such a state. He never gives up...

- Everything, I answer back, my voice lightly breaking. I wipe my cheeks again as I clear my throat. To begin with, when I woke up this morning, I learned that my uncle had passed away during the night. He drove a truck from a country to another and... I explain to him, confessing the terrible news that started this awful day of mine. However, I couldn't bring myself to finish my sentence. I bring my hand over my heart and press on it as if it would take the pain away. Since the call... Just saying those words hurts just as much as saying them in my head. If not more...

- I'm sorry to hear that, he apologizes sincerely.

- Me too... Thanks... But that's not it, I thank him with a sad tone before lightly sniffling. After receiving my mom's call to tell me this awful news, I went to work today because I couldn't stay home. I needed to get my mind busy and to... Not think about the incident, I confess as I feel a new tear rolling down my cheek. My uncle and I were close, you know? He kind of raised me with my mom since my dad left her when she told him about me, I admit to the boy. I watch Phil frowning as he discovers a part of my life that I don't usually bring up. Why am I telling him all of this? It's not like he cares anyway... Does he? Anyway, to continue this unpleasant day, I had the pleasure to meet very unpleasant and rude customers all day long. Like this one call wasn't enough already... One of the customers said that they didn't want me as their waitress because I've got curves, some others telling me I was too long when in reality I just walked away from their table, a couple literally told me I gave them the wrong command and threw their drinks at me, and another one insulted me because there wasn't anymore sandwich like he wanted, I tell him all of this in just one single breath. Yet, you could hear how tired and hurt I am right now. I guess the death of my uncle adding this unnecessary crap was just too much at once. And to add more, my boss is cutting half my pay off because I accidentally broke a cup... A damn cup! Can this day get any worse? I finish to say as I look away, letting a heavy and shaky sight out as another tear rolls down my face. My hand is still over my heart as if I am protecting it all while trying to reject all negative emotions. Suddenly, two fingers softly come grabbing my chin and force me to lift my head up.

- Your boss is a dick, MC. Always have been, always will be, he tells me, the sound of those words sounding familiar. How many times did he already say this to me? I stopped counting... But I should listen, he is right. And f**k those customers. They're not happy? Tell them to go to another restaurant, he responds seriously. His deep voice sounds so calm despite the upset look he has on his face. Am I upsetting him or is he upset because of what happened to me today?

- Right, I kind of need to keep my job despite everything. But you can go tell them that, I respond with a small scoff, yet, trying to use sarcasm.

- Sure, give me names and faces and I'll find them, he replies playfully, yet a point of seriousness heard in his voice. I smile to his answer, appreciating his concern and protectiveness. Though, I never thought it would ever happen one day. Phil is... Not the last person I'd go to to talk but definitely not the first one either... Usually. I look away again and lightly sniffle. Phil wipes some of my tears away. His hands are so soft... It's weird. I've never seen you cry before, he whispers. I look back up at him, watching him slightly frowning. That's true... Not sure a lot of people saw me crying before either... Not even Jessy. I weakly nod before shrugging.

- How does it feel to watch a girl crying in front of you? I reply slightly playfully. Jessy's brother grabs something on the other side of the counter before handing it to me. Tissues... I take them from his hand, thanking him.

- It's painful. When it's you... It's different... Painful, he responds, taking his cigarette again. Oh... I wasn't waiting for an answer like this one. I was waiting for him to say "Can you just stop thinking for a moment?" Or "Stop crying over so little"... But none of that. I watch Phil blowing some smoke, making sure it doesn't go in my face.

- Is the womanizer Phillip Hawkins starting to be an emotional guy? I question him with a playful tone, cracking a smile. I think it's the first time today that I cracked a smile. A real one, I mean.

- No, he's the same dick, he answers, shaking his head left to right while chuckling. Oh... Of course. That would have been too surreal. I'm not going to lie, Phil is a good looking guy. His long hair, his tattoos looking so cool, his piercing, the way he dresses, his voice,... Just the way he is is attractive. The sound of his chuckle runs through my body.

- He admits it, I reply as I feel myself smiling more and more as the tears are coming to a stop. Prove it, I tell him with a daring tone. Phil leans against the counter, smirking.

- Wanna stay with me, tonight? At my place. The bed is comfy and big enough for us two, he proposes seriously to me, a point of flirt in his voice. I know he is being serious. I can hear it in his voice. And that look of his... I know girls don't refuse him generally. But I'm not them. And I don't want to end up in his bed just for one night and then nothing. That's not me... That's not who I am. That's not what I want. He can be incredibly good looking and just be his amazing self, I'll still refuse.

- I don't do one night stands, Phil, I remind him seriously.

- I know... He replies, a slight hidden note of his tone telling me he is disappointed. It's no secret that Phil has been liking me for a while. He has tried to ask me a few times before but I declined them all for... Obvious reasons. Let's do two then, he suddenly says, half joking, half serious.

- Phil! I exclaim as I chuckle.

- It's okay. I'll accept even three nights. Or more. I won't mind, Gorgeous, he continues to say, but I can tell he is joking this time. I softly laugh while shaking my head. There's that smile I love, he states, sounding satisfied with himself for making me smile. Honestly, Gorgeous, don't mind those idiots. Don't let them get to you, he advises me seriously as he finishes his whiskey.

- I don't usually. But I thought going to work was going to help me forget that awful news for a moment. I went there hoping to clear my head. I guess it was just too much today and I needed to break. Sorry it had to be you watching me like this, I answer and apologize to the boy as I take a sip of my drink. Ugh... It's the last time I take Whiskey... I lightly grimace and put the glass down.

- I'm not. If you ever have a bad day again and feel the need to talk, don't hesitate knocking on my door. Even if it's closed. It's always open for you, he tells me seriously and sincerely. Honestly, I haven't met that guy before... Where's the Phil I know?

- Thanks, Phil, I thank him before stepping down the stool. I step up twice and take him in my arms. The man envelops me back in a warm embrace, running softly his hand on my back. I pull my head away and place a kiss on his cheek as a thank you. And before you think of anything spicy, that kiss on the cheek is the farthest you'll ever have, I rapidly tell him, a point of warning in my voice, yet, using a playful tone.

- You're definitely killing me with kindness, MC. My poor heart pays dearly, he tells me with a frustrated tone before I watch him taking my glass of Whiskey. Oh... He winks and takes a sip from it. Oh yeah, drink that thing... I don't like it anyway. And I think he noticed it...

- Moh, maybe one of those girls coming here could put a bandage on it to heal it, I say with some sarcasm, yet, with some dislike heard into it. I always hated that those girls could "help" him... I mean, what do they have? What does he see in them? Before anything said, no, I'm not jealous... I just don't like him with other girls...

- They could. But will it be worth it? He answers while nodding before taking his cigarette and blowing so smoke away.

- You tell me. You're the one who can't resist "beautiful women", I reply to the man, stating his own words. Phil smiles and chuckles lightly to my comment.

- They can definitely help at a low point, he answers, agreeing. Right... Wait, at a low point?

- At a low point? What do you mean? I ask him with a confused tone.

- I can sleep with every woman that wants me. But, in the end, it will never mean anything like... Like when you're with me, he suddenly tells me, lowering his head lightly. His smile disappeared, showing seriousness. Did I hear him right? Did he just say those words? I stare at the man, confused and speechless. Me? Why...? Since when...? Ugh... He had a few drinks today, didn't he? Phil looks back up at me, but his eyes give a quick look at my lips.

- I'm sorry. I'm trying but... Are those words really coming from you or... Did you have any drinks before? I demand him seriously, yet, with a playful tone to keep a cool atmosphere. Arguing with him is the last thing I want. Phil cracks a smile but it doesn't stay long.

- I know I play a lot around with different girls. I know what you think of me. I'm a f**k boy. And I know I tried several times to get a night with you. But... It's not just a night that I want and you don't seem to see that, he replies, not denying who he is but also kind of reproaching me to not open my eyes about him. Well… How could I? If he doesn't tell me, I only see things the way I see them... I nod positively before looking down. Why do I feel a little sorry suddenly? I shouldn't... There's something different with you, MC. You're different. From all the others. I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to dirty you. I don't want to play with you. I don't want to break you, he tells me gently and seriously. I slowly look back up at him and notice how close he is to me. Was he that close to me before? I can feel my heart beating like crazy down my chest. It's wrong... It feels right, but it's wrong. I know it...

- Phil... I gently whisper his name as I a look down again.

- I love you, MC, he interrupts me with his calm and deep voice. What...? I stare at him with wide eyes, surprised by the words I just heard. I didn't even know he knew how to say them… Especially while sounding sincere. He meant those words. I love you like I have never loved a woman before. And I'm not talking about loving the "pretty woman" that you are. No, I mean... He sighs. You're pretty. You're more than pretty. You're prettier than all of those girls and I am not talking just about the way you look. I just... Again, I hear Phil sighing. Despite the fast that he stays calm, I can sense some nervousness coming from him which is unusual. Phil is never nervous, especially around a woman. He is the exact opposite actually. He is pretty confident about himself. He talks easily, flirts easily… You're not a price I want to win or a pride to have f**ked in bed. You have this thing that the others don't have. You're special, he says with the same calm and slight nervous tone. Phil looks straight before him as he blows some smoke. Special... He noticed this little thing in me, which I didn't know I had…

- You really noticed that small thing in me? Because, honestly, I'm everything but special. I can assure you, I demand and tell him with a point of shiness. Wow... I didn't think I would have sounded so shy all of a sudden...

- I told you. I love you. And you know those words don't come out of my mouth easily. Actually, I don't think I ever said them to someone before, he replies seriously and gently before taking a last blow and putting out his cigarette. I stare at him, not really knowing how to react. I mean, of course it does make me feel something. There's... There are those butterflies flying in my belly. My heart is racing and my cheeks feel a little warm... Maybe a little more than a little, actually. I know I feel something for him. I can't deny it… But there's still things in the way...

- Honestly, I'm discovering another man right now. Why don't you show this side of yours to people? Pride? Male ego? I demand him with a small confused tone, yet curious.

- I am who I am, he simply answers.

- Mmh... Well, I like this Phil better, I answer him as I crack a smile. Phil looks at me and his serious face turns into a smiling one again.

- So, would you go out one night? Or during a lunch break? He proposes to me, hope heard in his voice. Oh... Well... I know your days are long and I work at night too so it'll be short but... He tells me gently, reminding us of our busy lives. Right, there's not a lot of moments where we can meet… But do I want to meet him like this? I mean, yes, I want to but… Do I want to get in something like this? In an uncertain relationship where I'll fear he goes to see someone else to distract himself from me? Despite this side of him, he is still Phil in the end...

- If you do this to only get me in your bed... I whisper, interrupting him. I hope it's not a plan of his to get me in his bed... That'll be the worst thing he could do... Especially as being my friend first...

- I do this to win your heart. As cheesy as it sounded... Nothing more, he tells me seriously, staring into my eyes. Speechless, I stare at him as well. For once in my life, I just want to do right. Especially with you… For you… Because of you... But it's only if you want to, he responds sincerely to me, looking serious. It's actually a little disturbing. Phil has always had respect for everyone, including me. He always respected that I didn't want a one time thing… What changed?

- I don't know, I whisper, confused by the situation. It's not that I don't want to be with him nor that I don't like him. On the contrary. I love Phil. But... There's few things in the way...

- Because of my past with women? He asks me, sounding really confused that I won't accept. I'm certainly the only woman telling him "no". Especially after a few tries.

- Yes... And because of my insecure self. Look at you and look at me. You own an amazing bar, I work as a waitress with a crappy boss. You look cool and get well and easily along with people, I look like that discreet and shy girl who is nothing more than being awkward. And you're my best friend's brother. And there's the age gap, which is the least that bothers me, I tell him everything that I thought on why I don't say "yes" to him. I mean... I think he can understand where I'm coming from. I hope... I don't want to lose a friend, in a way, just because of that...

- You're perfect the way you are, MC. Nobody will take that thought out of my mind, he states seriously. I notice how his eyes are alternating from my own to my lips. They keep going up and down. He seems eager...

- Right... You said it, not me, I say with a disbelieving tone, yet a playful one while I giggle. A small smile comes on my face which keeps growing more and more. I'm not going to lie, but hearing him saying those words do something inside me.

- And I believe it, he says while nodding. He does... I stare at him for a moment, the two of us plunge into a deep silence. It's not awkward... It's intense, but not awkward. I'm just so not confident with myself. What if he is playing me? And what if he is not? Ugh… I should let go sometimes... Really... I could open doors I didn't even think I had the key of.

- Tomorrow. Meet me for lunch if you're free. We can start there to see how it goes, I propose to the man which, I notice, makes him smile instantly.

- Is it a date? He asks with a smirk. Well...

- I'm not sure... Maybe... We'll see, I reply unsure, yet, smirking back at him. Yes, I'm entering his game easily... Was it right? Though, we could hear this point of shyness in my voice.

- Will I get to finally kiss you? He then asks, slowly getting even more closer to me. Oh... I can feel my heart racing a little more, hearing it beat in my ears. He's making me so nervous… Kiss me… Is that all he wants?

- Phil... I whisper his name, annoyed, as I lightly title my head on the side.

- What? I showed you a part of me, doesn't mean the other one is gone, he answers with a not so innocent tone, still smirking at me. I keep staring at him a little annoyed despite the amused smile on my face. Alright, just lunch, he says, agreeing. I nod back positively. And a hug? He rapidly asks.

- A hug? I ask, surprised and confused. Phil winks at me. I can see he is waiting for an actual answer. Oh well... Sure. Whatever. I've got to go home. It's getting late, I agree before standing up from the stool. I didn't think but, when I stood up, my face got so close to his. At this moment, when my eyes met his, it was as if the time had stopped for a second. Slow motion. It was like I couldn't remember what reality looked like. I feel my cheeks starting to burn before I look down to hide my certainly blushing face from him. Why did I have to happen to have a crush on him? Why him? Why does he make me feel this way? I clear my throat quietly and start walking towards the door.

- Be careful on your way home. Tell me once you're there, he tells me as he follows me behind.

- I will, I reply. I was about to open the door when his hand grabbed the handle first. My fingers brushed his. I retrieve my hand and let him open the door for me. Still with my cheek lightly burning from previously, I manage to cross sight with his eyes and smile at him. Thanks for the night, the drink, holding me when I cried, and for listening to me, Phil, I thank him sincerely as I weakly nod to the man.

- You're very welcome, Gorgeous, he responds with his deep and calm voice while smiling back at him. That damn smile... Goodnight, MC, he wishes me softly.

- Goodnight, Phil, I wish him back. The two of us exchange one last look and smile before I walk out of his bar. I put my hands in my pockets and walk home.

I'm not sure what exactly happened there... I went to the bar to have a drink to relax and take my mind off and I ended up with Phil holding me when I broke down and accepting to have lunch together. Will it be a date? Will it actually go somewhere? Was he being serious? So many questions burning my mind... I will see how tomorrow goes. I'll have so much to do tomorrow, anyway... Mom is certainly going to call me for the funerals, my work is going to be tiring as always, and the lunch with Phil... I wonder what Jessy will say if she knew that her brother and I are going on a... Lunch? Date? Whatever it's called... Will she be okay with... What we're doing? Will she mind if I go out with her brother? Ugh, why do I already think of things like this? I'm not there yet... Anyway... I think I just need some sleep right now, nothing more. If I manage to actually fall asleep once I'll be home and in my bed… It promises to be a long night...

#duskwood #duskwood phil #duskwood jake #duskwood jessy #phil hawkins #duskwood richy #duskwood hannah #duskwood cleo #duskwood thomas #duskwood dan #duskwood fanfiction #duskwood app #iamjake #phil x mc #duskwood mc #multifandom #multifandomedit #edit #duskwood game

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wastelandcth · 3 years

Text

Better Love - cth

part four: a darker blue

summary: The rain stops.

author’s notes: I've loved writing this story and I hope you have all enjoyed reading it!

warnings: mentions of sexual themes.

masterlist || request || join my taglist!

part one || part two || part three

And I've never loved a darker blue Than the darkness I have known in you, own from you You, whose heart would sing of anarchy You would laugh at meanings, guarantees, so beautifully

Calum was running. His legs carried him through the overgrown forest and over fallen trees. The wind around him bit at his skin, leaving him gasping for air until all he could feel was the burn in his lungs, one that was different than the burn the cigarettes he smoked gave him. Behind him, the footsteps were getting closer and closer, never stumbling like Calum had. In his arms, the beating heart pumped, racing and then slowing in random increments that left Calum's blood running cold. He hadn't remembered the way back to the cottage, the thick forest trapping him in and spitting him out somewhere unknown. The lighthouse had been the only thing high enough above the trees that Calum could see, his legs burning as he ran closer and closer towards it. Somewhere behind the wind, the ocean waves crashed into the coast and shook the world beneath him, making him stumble whenever a particularly large wave hit.

He was alone and running from something he couldn't see.

As Calum ran, the forest disappeared behind him and all that was in front of him was rolling hills of green. The footsteps behind him had stopped and Calum leaned over himself to catch his breath, the cold air burning his throat as he tried to listen for anything or anyone else. Stepping towards the hills, where the ocean roared right below, Calum's eyes watched the lighthouse in awe. The light illuminated the world around him in glimpses, making its round across the landscape to warn ships that would never come of the land. The father Calum got from the edge of the forest, the darker the sky became, leaving him to wait until the spinning light was cast his way in order to take the steps up the rocky hillside.

"Calum?" a voice said behind him, echoing through his body as rocking the Earth much like the dark blue waves beneath him.

Calum turned sharply, his eyes scanning the forest at the bottom of the hill, searching for that voice in the darkness. The whirl of the lighthouse, which got louder and louder with every pass of the light, made Calum dizzy. His head hurt with every pass of the bright light, but he kept searching until his eyes finally landed on her. The wind had whipped her hair across her face, her clothes soaked with mud and leaves that left her shivering at the edge of the forest. Calum wondered if she had been chased her too, how she had managed to outrun something that Calum barely did.

"Maeve?" he called out, his voice lost in the wind and the waves, the sleeves of his sweater ripped to shreds by the trees behind her, "Come on! It's safe in the lighthouse, we have to get there!"

"I-I can't! I have to go back to the cabin!" she sighed, Calum's ears aching at the pain in her voice, "I can't go with you! I have to stay there!"

Calum frowned, watching as Maeve turned back around and ventured deeper into the forest. His body ached, his escape making his legs burn and his joints ache front he cold, but he took another glance at the lighthouse. One last look at the promised safety before he rushed down the hill and headed towards the woods once more, calling out Maeve's name.

Calum woke with a start, his lungs aching for a breath of fresh air as his eyes looked around at the dark room, trying to gain a sense as to where he was. The bed under him was soft, the mattress pillowy and not at all like his hard mattress back home. Next to him, Maeve's soft voice was slow and even Calum's mind too panicked to listen to the words she was whispered. But the softness of her skin against Calum's was what truly made his mind wake up and made his eyes meet hers in the darkness. He was sure he looked like an animal caught in the middle of a dark road, his face illuminated only by the sliver of light coming in through the blinds of the window. But Maeve's voice brought him back down, brought his breathing into a steady rise and fall of his chest until his forehead was leaning against hers.

"Hey, I'm right here," Maeve whispered, one hand cupping the side of his face as the other was placed over his heart, feeling the pounding of it against her palm, "You're okay." Calum's lips found hers in the dark, the soft sigh that left him as their lips connected making him forget for a second all about the lighthouse and the forest.

Maeve was on his lap, their bodies moving in a slow and lazy rhythm before Calum would even remember the dream. He was lost in the way her body curved into him, how her back arched back into the palm that was keeping her steady. The bed was squeaking with every move of their hips, hidden under the groan and soft grunts leaving them both as they melted into one another. With his eyes adjusted to the dark room, Calum could see how Maeve's face twisted in pleasure, her nose scrunched up and her bottom lip trapped between her teeth. Calum was sure his own face looked pretty similar, his grip of Maeve's waist tightening when he felt her clench around him, the waves of pleasure rolling off of her as she got closer and closer. Calum's hand, which had been shaking in fear only a few minutes before moved between their bodies, his thumb running through the hair at her mound before moving lower and finding the bundle of nerves that had made Maeve gasped and whimper the night before.

"Come on, pretty girl," Calum breathed out, his thighs tensing underneath Maeve as he rocked up into her, "Let go for me,"

And Calum had never heard such a pretty noise like the one’s Maeve made.

"Choose life?" Maeve whispered into the darkness, her fingers slotting in between Calum's.

"Mhm," Calum breathed out, his eyes unfocused in the darkness of the walls and the bouncing of their voices, his mind still reeling from the high she'd brought him, "From the movie Trainspotting."

Maeve's shifted, moving onto her side as she rested her head on Calum's chest, her fingers tracing over the words against his skin again and again as she listened to Calum whispered about the movie and how it had changed his outlook on life. She felt the goosebumps under her touch, could feel the blush that ran down from his face to his chest. Her lips had been leaving trails of kisses on his skin, her smile pressing against his skin whenever Calum's voice stuttered from the kisses left on his skin. They'd been lying there for what could have been hours, in Maeve's mind, both enjoying the afterglow of being together in more ways than one.

"I like it," she whispered, placing a soft kiss over the peak of his nipple, "Always question the world, huh?"

"Always." he breathed out, his hands exploring the softness of Maeve's curves.

Maeve had decided that the Scottish air was infused with magic. Every day, she’d try and spend as much time outside as she could. In the beginning, it had been to give Calum some alone time; but after their eventful night and early morning, Maeve has needed the fresh air to clear her mind and stretch out her sore limbs. Her walks in the forest had been a lifesaver in the beginning too, they gave her peace and quiet and a sense of calm that hadn’t been around since the crack of a bridge had forced her to lodge with a stranger. Well, not so much a stranger anymore.

“Or is he?” Maeve thought to herself, a frown on her face as she leaned against a tree to tighten her shoelaces, “All you two do is talk and get to know one another, Maeve, you’re not so naïve to sleep with a stranger!”

In the short time that she knew Calum, she had found a lot of herself in him. She didn’t know if that was a good or bad thing, but that hadn’t mattered last night or this morning when she woke up wrapped in his arms. She knew that Calum had a passion for learning and exploring, much like she did. She knew that Calum had been in a different situation than her, relationship-wise, but that hadn’t meant he was broken. If she was being honest with herself, Calum had been in the exact opposite of her situation. She wondered if he knew that too, if he resented the fact that she could leave someone so easily and not be affected by it or if he sympathized with her. Maeve felt the pain in his voice that night when Calum spoke about his ex-fiancé like she was the stars and the moon before the supernova wiped them out of his universe. She knew that he had loved her and he wanted a life with her, even if he had rushed into things.

She knew Calum just wanted to feel a love that would never be there.

The sun had filtered in through the brightly colored leaves, the kaleidoscope it made on the ground below Maeve leading her back from the depths of the forest to the cabin where the man who had made her see stars just hours ago had been when she left only an hour before. She had wondered for a long period of her life whether she was broken or not. Whether her heart was defective and unable to love since it had seemed like she was never able to love her past partners. But last night with Calum, under the safety of a dark cabin, she had felt her heart race and her mind go numb to anything but the thought of him. Maybe she’d been alone for too long, Calum’s soft touch and grunts in her ear stirred something inside of her, or maybe it meant more.

Maybe Calum had become something more.

"Do you think you'll stay in Scotland longer?" Maeve asked as she walked into the kitchen.

Calum was stood by the small window, watching the sway of the trees, a cup of tea in his hands keeping him warm. He'd been lost in his head again much like he did nowadays, the worry of heading back home to deal with his problems instead of running away pressing against his temple. Maeve’s soft voice had drawn in his attention back into the moment, his body turning towards her, pulled by the softness of her presence and how hours ago that same soft voice had thrown him over the edge. Since he’d watched her walk out of bed, dressed in only the shirt she’d thrown off of him, he hadn’t gotten the image of her out of his head. How the sliver of moonlight had shown him sneak peeks of her body; the shade of red her chest had turned from Calum’s lips, the darkness that the hair on her mound had been. He’d been thinking of her ever since she walked out of the bathroom past him in a dark blue sweater, her boots leading her outside before Calum was once again left in the dark and silence of the cottage.

“My flight leaves in two days,” he said quietly, setting the cup of tea down, “If we’re ever rescued,” he teased.

“I’m sure we will be,” Maeve laughed quietly, “I’ll jump from tree to tree if I have to. There’s no way I’m missing this interview.”

“They’d hire you anyway,” Calum chuckled and shrugged, his eyes meeting hers, “They’d be foolish not to.”

The afternoon sun beamed down on both Maeve and Calum, leaving them warm and energized. The hike, which Calum had forced Maeve out of the cottage for, had taken place on their last day alone. Maeve had brought a blanket, making Calum carry it in his backpack which was also packed with snacks, water, and a camera that Calum had insisted was necessary. They'd walked next to one another, their hands grazing one another every once in a while. Calum's eyes were focused on the trail, knowing that no matter how far they walked, their way back to civilization grew farther and farther away. Eventually, his focus turned from the panic of being alone again and the reminder of his dream to the way Maeve's warm hand wrapped around his. He looked down, where their hands were joined and swinging with every step they took, his heart jumping at how right it all felt. "Is this okay?" Maeve asked quietly, her bottom lip sucked between her teeth.

"Of course," he whispered and nodded, giving her hand a small squeeze as he continued on through their walk.

When the grassy field came into view Calum had unfolded the blanket and set down the backpack, sighing at the relief his back felt when the heavy bag was no longer straining his muscles. The field was surrounded by trees, leaves scattered around them as the sunshine warmed the air. They'd sat in comfortable silence, listening to the songs that the forest would play for them. In the daylight, where the trees, birds, and river could see them, the distance between Maeve and Calum grew until they were nothing more than strangers again. They would drift off into their own minds, stuck in the waves of anxiety and tension that came from sleeping with a stranger. But that afternoon, their last afternoon, things were different. The sunlight brought soft touches and laughter that floated into the leaves above them. Calum's lips were puffy from the soft kisses that Maeve would leave every time she giggled at something he would say.

"I'm going to miss this," Maeve whispered at one point, her eyes focused on passing clouds, "I don't think I've ever felt this carefree before."

"Me too, I didn't think my trip to Scotland would've ever ended up like this," Calum mumbled, his own eyes watching the clouds swim across the sky, "I'm jealous you get to stay here."

"Do you think we'll see each other again?" she asked softly.

"I think the universe trapped us in a cottage together for a reason, no?" Calum asked and chuckled softly, his head lifting up to look over at Maeve.

"It seems that there is no theory for which to explain a moment like this," Maeve whispered and smiled as she watched Calum lean in closer to her, "I'm going to miss you."

Their last morning together, was one they hadn’t even realized would be their last.

In the morning, when the sun hit both Calum and Maeve, the bedroom was quiet. Calum's chest was rising and falling, the soft snores that usually left him hidden by Maeve's shoulder. The wind had no longer whistled against the cottage, the last of the raindrops from the night's storm falling down with a drip, drip, drip. The birds outside were singing, cheering as if they knew the bad weather had passed and the final storm, an encore complete with thunder and lightning, had come and gone. Calum's eyes opened slowly, his hands pulling the warm body next to him closer. His body leaned closer to hers, the warmth between their bare bodies a reminder of the night before where they both held one another as their moans were whispered in between kisses.

Calum had been stroking her skin, lost in the softness of her and the way his heart ached knowing that his life would never be the same as it was in that moment when he heard the familiar accent of Mrs. Bagby. His body tensed, his arms reaching out to pull the curtain back, flooding the room with light and being met with Mrs. Bagby, who was waving from the other end of the broken bridge. Calum's wide eyes and shaky hands had forced him to pull the curtains closed, his body moving on its own as he grabbed his sweatpants and sweater, before rushing out of the cabin. His shoes were covered in mud as he jogged over to the bridge, his breath hitching as he watched the roaring water splash against the rocks below him.

"Mr. Hood! Oh no, this is horrible, are you and the girl okay?!" Mrs. Bagby called out, "When did this happen?!"

"The day I walked out here! We couldn't contact anyone! The power hasn't worked since that storm blew over!" Calum yelled, watching as the older lady’s face turned into confusion.

"Storm? Darling, there hasn't been a storm here since before you arrived," she said with a shake of her head.

Calum frowned, standing at the edge of the broken bridge, his eyes searching the older woman for any hint of a joke. But Calum was met with a worried look that made his blood run cold. He'd clearly remembered the rainstorm, remembered hearing the tumbling of the bridge and how Maeve had gasped from the room next to the kitchen. He remembered walking out that next morning and standing where he was now, trying to figure out how he was meant to spend the night with a stranger who had taken his breath away.

"Calum?" Maeve asked quietly, her voice still laced with sleep as she stood by the door. She was wrapped in a blanket, her hair a curly mess around her head as she looked at Calum confused, "What's going on?"

"I'm going to get help! You two pack your bags!" the older lady called out, the engine of her car rumbling through the forest as she disappeared down the road.

And then they were alone.

Maeve had been quiet, packing clothes and memories of a day she couldn't help but think would be the last remnants of Calum she would have. Calum, who was sat on the couch, had packed his bag and sat in silence wondering whether he was ready to leave the cabin behind. Whether he was ready to leave Maeve and the safety of the dark powerless cabin. The past couple of days had been a whirlwind, they had been tiring and filled with silence. But Calum had loved nothing more than spending time with Maeve and learning about her in those moments when the silence was broken. He'd never met anyone like Maeve before, she was open and willing to tell Calum her story with no hesitation and yet, Calum found himself wanting to know more and more about the woman in the bedroom next to him. But the sound of a car across the river brought him back to reality. Brought him back to the fact that he had to go back to a sunny city where his life had been. A city where every street reminded him of the fact that he was alone and where the only trees he could see were palm trees. He'd be back in a city where his friends tiptoed around him and the way his heart had been broken.

Maeve had been outside, sitting on a stone that had looked more comfortable than Calum assumed actually was, staring up at the sky. The sunlight had illuminated her, leaving her skin a soft golden color that looked breathtaking in the dark sweater she'd slid on after Calum had taken it out of his bag and handed it to her on the car ride back to civilization. The car ride, which had consisted of Mrs. Bagby, or Baird he still didn't quite know, apologizing profusely for all the confusion and for leaving them trapped in the forest. Maeve had been focused on the passing trees and the way the river was no longer a constant noise in her ears. But when the rolling hills of the Highlands came into view, Calum felt the ache in his heart, knowing that their little universe was far away and no longer just theirs. The sweater engulfed Maeve, leaving her protected against the bitter wind that nipped at her skin even through the sunlight. Her bags had been sat at her side, like two piles of rocks ready to float away and leave Calum stranded.

“You’re going to do amazing,” Calum mumbled as he walked over to her, “They’re not even going to know what hit them.”

“Thank you,” Maeve whispered, her head turning up to look up at him, “I hope you have a safe flight back, take lots of pictures of the ocean.”

“And you take lots of pictures of those hills for me?” Calum smiled, the flash of his teeth disappearing as the car that would take him away from the woman, and the country, he’d fallen in love with, “It was nice meeting you, Maeve.”

“It was nice meeting you, Calum,” she nodded, her arms wrapping around his waist as they both hugged, hoping that maybe the world would bring them back together again.

The sky outside of the forest had been a bright blue, the white clouds puffy and soft as they floated towards one another before separating and going their own way. Some clouds would find their way across the world, seeing bright cities and vast oceans. Others would find a patch of weather that filled them with so much water, eventually draining themselves until all they became were a forgotten memory. They would change from the white and puffy clouds above to the dark grey and condensation-filled rain clouds that hid the dark blue sky. It was unfair, Maeve thought to herself, how such an aching moment in her life had been on such a beautiful day. How the man who had unknowingly changed her life in a matter of days had left on such a beautiful and sunny day. Maeve’s eyes focused on the black car, watching as it drove down the same dirt road she’d traveled on a few days before taking a turn and disappearing from view.

taglist: @hoodhoran @finelliine @moonlightcriess @mxgyver @calpops @karajaynetoday @notlukehemmo @calumrose @devilatmydoor @lowkeyflop @matchacal @hemmo1996-5sosvevo @myloverboyash @2fangirl4u @multistann

#calum hood x oc #calum hood x reader #calum hood x you #calum hood imagines #calum hood fics #calum hood blurbs #calum hood smut #calum hood #5sos x reader #5sos x oc #5sos x you #5sos imagines #5sos blurbs #5sos fics #5sos smut #5sos #5 seconds of summer #better love series #gemma writes

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fortheloveoffanfic · 3 years

Text

Behind Closed Doors

Keanu Reeves x OFC (A/n- And now, I shall make it complicated)

Masterlist

Warnings- Jealousy

Chapter 2 All In a Long Weekend

Saturday

That Saturday morning, breakfast had been done a tad earlier than usual, and afterwards, Emma had stayed back in the kitchen, packing a picnic while Keanu oversaw the children as they got ready for the day's beach trip. Matt and Poppy had been raving about their trip to Malibu for the past two weeks, asking every night before bed if they'd still be going. Each time, Emma had assured them that unless it rained, they were certainly going.

"You look excited," an older woman came up beside Emma, setting down some sodas into the cooler, just as Emma continued preparing sandwiches for the container that was set to be packed into the woven basket. She and Zelda, despite the fifteen or so years between them had become fast friends, always eager to help each other out when possible. The older woman was also sometimes keen of giving Emma little snippets of advice that she thought my be helpful; never go into Keanu's office when he had the door shut, don't give the kids ice pops inside and possibly the one that had saved her the most trouble, always check the allergy list that Keanu had stuck to the fridge before making the kids something new.

Beaming absently at her comment, Emma carried on with her task, making cheese and turkey sandwiches; a favorite among Keanu and his kids, "I am, it's been a while since I've been to the beach, and even if I'm still working, it's gonna be fun." Closing up the Tupperware, Emma set it in the basket, moving on to prepping snacks, just as Zelda started on some frozen treats for the sizable cooler. In retrospect, it might have seemed like a lot, but when you were having a day trip with kids, it was best to prepare for anything. "Plus, it'll be nice to spend some time together, just the four of us."

Furrowing her eyebrows in confusion, Zelda paused for a minute, "Five dear," she corrected, a little shocked when Emma didn't understand what she meant.

Certainly, Keanu must have told her!

But really, he hadn't.

Just as Zelda was about to explain though, the sound of the front door opening and shutting, followed by a very loud, and an annoyingly exuberant; "Darling!" After that, it wasn't long before the sound of heels clicking against the floor drew nearer, and out of the long hallway emerged a woman, tall, blonde and just as famous as Keanu.

"Sweet-" Upon seeing the pair, the Miranda Riley, former Victoria Secret model and world famous actress, stopped in her tracks, scrunching her perfectly straight nose as if she'd smelt something terrible, "Oh," her made up face fell, "Its you; Zora and…….the new one."

A little annoyed by her obviously snooty behavior, Emma opened her mouth to speak up, "Actually it's-" Though, when Zelda grabbed her arm, squeezing warningly, she shut up immediately, sealing her lips tightly.

Though, it didn't really seem like any of it greatly affected Miranda, especially when Keanu jogged into the room from the other hall, still bare foot while his worn out t-shirt was soaked at the front, probably from herding the twins into a bath. "Mandy," he grinned, and Emma swore it was stiff and forced. Maybe it was just her imagination though, cause with barely any hesitation, Keanu was taking the woman in his arms, holding her in a more than friendly hug before planting a lengthy kiss on her deep, ruby lips, one of his hands reaching up to cup her face.

The world seemed to slow down as the entire scene unfolded before her; the way he held her, looked at her when they pulled away to speak. A soft, pained gasp seeped past her lips and Emma wasn’t sure what she’d been expecting when Miranda walked into the house, but she did know that the last thing she’d predicted was that it would hurt so much. Her lungs were set ablaze and a similar sensation prickled at her eyes. Rage, betrayal, jealousy, Emma couldn’t tell which it was, but she did know that she wanted to run out of the room and not have to face Keanu for the rest of the day. Hell, maybe even the rest of the month.

Slowly, as if she were just coming up from being submerged in an ice cold bath, Emma brought herself back to the moment, raising her gaze when Keanu sought to introduce them, “Mandy, you remember I told you about Emma, our new nanny.” That was what she was, the nanny; the woman who took care of his kids, nothing more. Even if quieter moments had suggested otherwise. The tension, the long stares and innocent touches that thrilled her nerves, they meant nothing to Keanu. “And Em, this is my girlfriend, Mandy.” Well that didn’t feel like a bullet to the chest at all.

“It’s nice to meet you,” the smile that she plastered on her face was probably the hardest one she’d ever managed, and when Emma offered her hand, it wasn’t difficult to miss the flash of disgust that crossed Miranda’s pale features. Never meet your heroes, they said. For as long as Emma had known herself, Miranda had been an icon in the fashion world, she was well connected, and had set most of the trends that Emma had her friends had desperately wanted to mimic in their teens. It was her, among other inspiring names in the fashion world that had prompted Emma to go to a design institute and not a conventional college. But right then, she might have been happier going back to a time where she’d never crossed paths with Miranda.

Hesitating before offering Emma a toothy, winning grin, Miranda took her hand, shaking quickly over the counter before letting it go again, “Mmm, yes, it's…….nice to meet you too, Emily.”

“Emma,” she corrected, having to bite her tongue so she wouldn’t say anything more. The last thing she’d want was to lose her job after telling off her boss’s out of touch bitch of a girlfriend.

“Right,” Miranda appraised her look, a bright blue sundress, raising an impressed brow, probably only complimenting her to appease Keanu, “Cute dress.”

Before Emma could speak up, Keanu interjected, “She looks lovely doesn’t she? Made it herself,” he didn’t seem remotely aware of the heaviness in the room, or the way Miranda clenched her jaw when another slew of praises for Emma left his lips, “She’s so talented, Poppy is already roping her into making princess dresses for Halloween,” he chuckled, shaking in his head.

After another minute spent gritting her teeth, Miranda sought to change the topic, clearly having had her fill of Keanu’s pride in his nanny, “Where are the little ones anyway? It's nearly ten, we’re going to be late.”

With that, Emma’s head snapped towards Zelda, who'd opted to finish the cooler and snacks in silence, so she wouldn’t have to endure any of the painstaking conversation, “She’s going?” She whispered when Keanu and Miranda weren’t looking, eyes wide and frenzied.

“Yeah,” she nodded, barely looking as Emma when she followed her to the fridge, while Keanu and Miranda spoke, or rather, canoodled in hushed tones, "I feel like I should have told you he has a girlfriend," Zelda paused, just after reaching for a half filled carton of strawberries.

"Ya think?" Emma hissed, glancing backwards at the couple, feeling her heart pinch at how lovey dovey they were. She could have sworn there was something between herself and Keanu. "How hard was it to say 'Hey Em, you know our boss has this girlfriend, and she's like, a total bitch.' What the hell does he even see in her anyway?"

"She's tall and gorgeous?" Zelda shrugged casually, "Look, I don't get it either, but he loves her, they've been together for almost two years and I think she's convinced him to go public by the end of this year." Her face fell at Emma's troubled expression, reaching out to rub her shoulder sympathetically, "I see the way you look at him, and if there's something between you two, then……and I don't mean this harshly at all, maybe you need to back down. Miranda, she's……she's not someone you want to mess with," sighing deeply, Zelda peered over to see if they were being overheard, "She gets what she wants, and right now, she wants Keanu and you don't want to be in her way."

Gritting her teeth, Emma pulled away harshly, "I don't know what the hell you're talking about," she squared her shoulders, "There's nothing between Keanu and I," maybe she was getting more defensive than she needed to be, but Emma didn't care. "I'm gonna go finish getting the twins ready," she announced loudly, stalking out of the room and down the hall, and hopefully, leaving behind whatever she'd started to feel for her boss.

As it turned out, Matt and Poppy had all but put their clothes on over their swimsuits, and they were so excited about going, that they got into their little summery outfits without fuss. Afterwards, tiny feet clad in colorful sandals, they raced each other downstairs, leaving Emma to collect their bags before she headed down.

She was walking towards the stairs, backpacks in hands, really just minding her own business, having just started to calm down after the whole Keanu/Miranda fiasco, when, just as she neared the door of Keanu's home office, she heard it. He was deep in conversation, and had unknowingly left the door just a sliver open, enough for her to catch on to some juicy bits. "I know mom," he sounded exasperated, and when she dared to peek in, Emma found that his back was to her, as he stood facing the window, one hand stuffed into the pocket of his jeans, "But I'm not getting any younger, what do you want me to do? Wait till I'm sixty?" He sighed heavily, shaking his head, "Matt and Poppy need a mother, and Miranda……" he trailed off, listening intently to what his mother had to say. Leaning closer, Emma wished she could be privy to the other end of the call, aching to hear what his mother thought about the succubus that he called a girlfriend. But alas, she'd have to settle for whatever she got.

After a few minutes had passed, Keanu spoke again, turning around, leaving Emma to dash for cover, though still within earshot. For a minute, she held her breath, awaiting the moment where Keanu would poke his head out the door and catch her eavesdropping. But it never came, and instead, he continued, "I think I'm going to do it tomorrow night, we're going to dinner, and the nanny will watch the kids. I have the ring already. I think she might like it."

Ring?

The sirens in Emma's head were going off so loudly that she barely registered his tone, the absence of excitement or joy, things that were usually there when someone was smitten enough to propose. There was too much going on in her head; the irrational fear of never having a chance with Keanu, the more rational fear that Miranda might become her boss too. Tuning out the rest of the conversation, not caring to hear anymore, Emma dragged herself towards the stairs, slinking down towards the kitchen, where she found Zelda entertaining the children.

“Everything okay?” She probed when Emma placed the bags on the counter, next to the cooler and picnic basket, her features still crestfallen.

“Yeah,” she mustered up a smile, inching closer to her friend, her voice dropping an octave, “I think Keanu’s going to propose to Miranda, like tomorrow night.”

“What?” Zelda’s eyes went wide, her jaw hanging slack, and she almost dropped the dishes she had just started putting into the cupboards, “How do you know that, did he tell you?”

“Tell her what?” Speak of the devil. Miranda startled them both, and for a second, Emma was worried that she’d overheard their conversation, though that too was short lived.

“Everyone ready?” Keanu strode into the room, and though Emma wanted to meet his gaze, she restrained herself, not even trying to respond, just going over to gather some of their things, her teary smile faltering when the kids excitedly started following her to the car.

At some point, Miranda had eased Keanu away from where they’d set up their picnic on the beach, urging him into a walk even though the kids had pleaded with him to stay and help them build sandcastles. Emma had taken his place, helping them with their little construction project, highly aware of how upset Poppy still was. “You okay Pop?”

The girl frowned, using her fragile fingers to sweep some hair out of her face, “I wish daddy would have stayed and built it with us,” she mumbled, dumping another bucket of sand to create segment of the castle, though doing it so harshly that the new section just crumbled, “He always leaves when aunt Mandy comes around.”

“I’m sure that’s not true,” even if she didn’t like Miranda, if she was going to be Matt and Poppy’s step mother, Emma couldn’t go around bad mouthing her to them, “I’m sure he still spends time with you. And aunt Miranda seems really like you two.”

“Not as much as you,” that was Matt, his expression skewed by his dark mane falling over his face, “She’s always telling us to be quiet. And she’s so boring,” he stressed, lurching forward, only half interested in ranting about Miranda, still very invested in their sandcastle, “She almost made dad stop my swimming lessons.”

“What?” That time, it was a struggle to keep her annoyance at bay. Even if it was just one side, even if Matt couldn’t possibly know the entire truth, it was still enough to rile Emma up. How dare she? Matt was the best on his team! Taking a breath, Emma knew it was time to shift the conversation, and cheer the twins up before she said something that she’d regret, “You know what? Why don’t we give this a break? We can go to the water, have a splash war!”

“Yeah!” They jumped up immediately, barely giving Emma a minute to shimmy out of her sundress, revealing her simple, floral bikini before joining them in the water. It didn’t take long to lift their spirits, and before long, Matt and Poppy were teaming up to out splash Emma. Their gleeful giggles were music to her ears and she adored seeing their wide grins. They’d waited almost a month for that trip, they deserved to enjoy as much as they could, even if Miranda was going to take up most of Keanu’s time.

They probably spent hours past noon in the water, and not once did anyone’s smile falter. Emma gave them ice pops, and insisted that they have some water once or twice, though each time, they accepted without fuss, and she couldn’t tell if was the sugar from their snacks, or just how immersed they were in the games, but even when Keanu and Miranda returned near sunset, they didn’t show signs of tire.

“You guys having all the fun without me?” Keanu let go of Miranda’s hand, standing where the water would wash over his feet, pulling the sand back as it receded.

A pang of anger flared inside of her, making Emma want to remind Keanu that he was the one that left, but she suppressed it. A fight wouldn’t solve anything. She was so caught up in being annoyed with Keanu, that she hadn't noticed how dark his gaze had grown when his eyes fell on her, kneeling in the water, rivulets rolling off her tan skin, the top of her bathing suit pressing her breasts together, a generous amount of her cleavage spilling out voluptuously. “Well why don’t you join in?” She made herself laugh, and while Emma was hardly as much of an actor as the two A listers before her, she’d liked to think she managed pretty well.

“Sounds great,” he didn’t even seem to notice Emma’s irritation, bubbling beneath the surface. In a flash, he was pulling off his t-shirt, tossing it to the sand, getting into water wearing just his swim trunks, and as he drew closer, his cheerful tone faltered, probably realizing that being in the water with her wasn’t going to do him any favors, “Do you guys wanna play chicken fight?” Keanu turned to his kids, only to be met with excited nods, “And maybe Mandy wants to play too?” He turned to her, eyes somewhat hopeful, “And we can let Em have a break,” swallowing thickly.

“Oh, I…..” Miranda seemed perfectly out of her element, smoothing a hand over her stylish, white sundress, and then pushing up the dark tinted sunglasses, which formerly guarded crystal green orbs. It took a minute, but eventually, she conjured up a tight grin, “Chicken fight isn’t really my kind of game,” she laughed nonchalantly, “Besides, the water will ruin my hair. You should let Emily play, childish nonsense seems right up her alley.”

Subduing the urge to roll her eyes and fire a few obscenities towards Miranda, Emma took a breath, gazing between Keanu, who’d gone cold, and Miranda who’s wicked mirth was reflected in her defiant smile, “Like I said this morning, it’s just Emma. And that’s fine, I actually love childish nonsense, its way more fun than sitting on the sand like a……” stuck up bitch, “Boring grown up.”

Amused with her half hearted insult, Matt laughed loudly, while Poppy just giggled, already trying to get up on Emma’s shoulders. Fuming, Miranda turned on her heel, stomping off towards the mat, and it wasn’t long before the rest of them had forgotten the almost-spat, getting on with their game.

Monday

As usual, Emma was up early, preparing breakfast for everyone. It was just past seven am, and since Mondays didn’t promise cartoon reruns, the kids weren’t up yet. Instead, Zelda had come in earlier than usual, saying that she wanted to get a head start on the housework, but really just looking to gossip. They were in the kitchen together, preparing for hash browns, eggs and bacon, working over quiet chatter, “So…” Zelda nudged Emma’s shoulder with her own.

“So?” Emma chuckled, nudging her back, the comfy cotton of her robe brushing against the sleeve of Zelda’s shirt. She knew exactly what her friend was seeking, but truthfully, she didn’t know how Keanu’s proposal had gone. All she knew was that they’d left for dinner around seven, leaving her to make something for Matt and Poppy, and hadn’t returned until the twins had fallen asleep and Emma had stolen away to her room.

“So, is the wicked witch of the west coast going to be out new boss or not?” Zelda teased, continuing with helping Emma shred some potatoes.

“Honestly-” Emma cut herself off when Keanu walked in, sans shirt and with low riding sweat pants. His hair was a mess, and his good morning was punctuated by a tired yawn. "Good morning Keanu," both women greeted in unison, sharing a look.

They both wanted to know so badly that the itch was almost physical, but it wasn't like they could simply ask. With their one question would come a dozen more from Keanu. Though, as faith would have it, the truth they were seeking wasn't far behind a still half asleep Mr. Reeves.

"Darling," an all too familiar voice purred, shuffling into the kitchen, her blonde hair held up in a loose ponytail and her elegant frame wrapped up in fine satin. Unlike Keanu, Miranda didn't even bother with pleasantries, going straight over to where he stood at the integrated refrigerator, holding him in a hug from behind, strategically angling her left hand so the large rock on her finger would be on full display.

"Still wanna know?" Emma whispered near Zelda's ear, their heads almost touching.

Scoffing, Zelda seemed caught between a sarcastic smirk and a frown, "Not any more."

And because the world was such a cruel place and open wounds would be pointless without a little salt, Miranda abruptly turned to them. "Ladies! Have you two seen my ring?" Without warning she thrust her hand towards them, making the engagement ring on her finger hard to avoid, "Gorgeous right? Keke loves to spoil me," her words were perfectly gag worthy and Emma was finding it difficult to keep down the half cup of coffee she'd had. It wasn't like she was opposed to love or affection or anything, she'd really liked to think of herself as well adjusted in that way, but during the one weekend she'd spent around Miranda, her affections for Keanu always seemed so dramatic that it was nothing short of an elaborate farce.

Yet, it wasn't like she had much of a choice when it came to going forward and having to endure it. Jobs in the fashion world were hard to come by and freelancing would hardly be enough to cover living expenses. So, alas, she'd have to put up with Miranda for a quite while to come. "Don't worry Emily," Emma hadn't even realized she'd zoned out until Miranda called her by the wrong name, for probably the dozenth time. At her next words, Miranda's voice dropped below what Keanu could hear, and there was a wicked glimmer in her gaze, "You're pretty enough, I'm sure you can trick a man into buying you a nice ring. Might not be as many carats, but you'll manage."

That little quip was definitely pay back for Saturday. Fuming, Emma longed to just let her have it, but she was growing so versed in holding her tongue that she did again, deciding right then and there that as much as she loved the kids, she was wholly willing to take the next sustaining job as long as Miranda was in the picture.

*****

Tagging- @harrisongslimited @magnificentclodpiebanana @keandrews @greenmanalishi @rdjloverxxx @danceoftwowolves @planetkt @wheretheriversrunintothesea

#keanu reeves #keanu reeves x reader #keanu reeves x ofc #keanu reeves fanfic #fanfic #fanfiction #nanny au #au #ff #chapter 2

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angelspenance · 3 years

Note

Prompt: AruYuki + Pink in the Night

"And I know I've kissed you before, but

I didn't do it right

Can I try again, try again, try again"

Rewrite verse bc if I did canon adjacent I don’t think I could Take It. Also u know its bad when after all the other essays ive typed out i put a readmore on This One.

To begin with it’s… nothing much. Or at least that’s what they both try to think. Yuki sits at the side of Aru’s hospital bed at two in the morning still trying to process why they’d ever take a knife to the back from Yuki’s own father to protect his mother. And Yuki doesn’t know at all how to feel about, well, Anything. He’s grateful but at the same time he’s… concerned. If anything he doesn’t want Aru to suffer the fallout of his own family’s personal issues despite the fact Aru probably saved his mother’s life. And… fine. Maybe just maybe Aru has wormed their way into Yuki’s heart and thoughts and the blood rapidly pulsing through his veins as he takes their hand in his. “Thank you,” Yuki says aloud in nothing more than a whisper to make sure they don’t wake up. A coward as always, he thinks to himself as he thanks Aru in the only way that feels right to him: a kiss on the lips. And it tastes like a hospital and their lips are unnervingly cold against his, but it’s gentler and longer than anything he’s given Yuno, who’s been disturbingly quiet as well as respectful of Yuki’s space since Aru found her alone in her house after the kidnapping fiasco, to the point of allowing him time alone with Aru “your mans a hottie” Akise. And maybe it’s more than just a thanks. Yuki allows himself against his better judgment to brush some of their hair out of their face and hold their hand a little longer. He remains at their bedside but makes sure there’s no indication of his actions should they wake. And of course Aru’s been semi conscious the whole time but so out of it on pain meds they think the whole thing is a sick dream; a fabrication of a reality they could only ever pray for. So neither of them speak of it, despite the fact Minene saw the moment of truth but figured it would be best for the two to figure it out on their own accord.

The next time it’s Yuki slumped unconscious in Aru’s arms after having been thrown back into a wall by an explosion while distracting the mayor’s men so Yuno could snipe him in the vault. Blood runs from the corner of his mouth and his nose as Aru runs their fingers through his hair and mutters desperately “please wake up please wake up please Yuki… please don’t leave me” with no avail to the point where, even with Minene and Nishijima and Mao and Hinata and Kousaka looking on, they cup his cheek and choke out “I never got to tell you that I…” and they close the narrow gap between their lips and his, tears mingling with blood as Aru barely audibly says “I love you, Yuki; I’m completely undone without you. Please just… know this in your heart.” And with that Yuki coughs and shakes and his eyes flutter open to make out the dust in Aru’s hair and the blood smudged against their face from his; it tones down their otherwise borderline angelic appearance in Yuki’s eyes between the crimson eyes and halo of a mess of hair against their skin marred over with scars like constellations. More tears, a genuine “Yuki you’re alive!” that outdoes their last given after being kidnapped, a thousand thoughts in a mind still buzzed from being unconscious interrupted by a single clear I don’t care, a thumb numbly caressing their cheek and wiping a smudge of blood off of their pale skin, a pair of lips clumsily colliding with theirs but they’re so relieved and downright ecstatic to the point where the taste of coppery blood and dust means less than nothing to them, a quiet “I love you too; I think I have for a while now,” an embrace that threatens to crack his ribs and a few barely contained sobs. Minene ruefully tearing her eyes away from Nishijima for a brief second to say “let’s get a move on, lovebirds” and a flash of Mao’s camera are the only thing that breaks the two of them apart from an embrace best described as “if I let my grasp loosen I’m sure you and this moment will both disappear.”

Yuki watches his beloved torn apart at the seams before his eyes and all he’s allowed to do is hold what remains of them as Kousaka desperately punches something into their phone as for once Yuki is rendered speechless. Silence. They begin to mend back together. Tears begin to flow freely from his eyes as he waits for them to say something, anything. When their eyes flutter open as Yuki’s tears fall onto their face and they say with wide eyes and a shaky voice, “I-I’m…. Yuki do you mind cutting the waterworks for a second I don’t need rain for the theatrics at the given moment,” Yuki cutting them off with a firm kiss and a “don’t you EVER pull that on me again I swear to fucking god” and the second Aru regains their breath they say, “Speaking of which, I-I’m not human. Deus created me to spy on this game of his without my will or consent and the second I faced him he decided I had lived beyond my usefulness and that’s why I… I’m not. I’m not real.” And Yuki just says “Damnit Aru you’re the most real person I know, nobody else would put themself in harms way over and over for their friends and help out a terrorist who was starving in a river and… and bother to try to respect me and understand me and…” and this time Aru sits up and turns around to face Yuki and smiles at them with such fondness despite the tears in their eyes and cups his cheeks in their hands and earnestly says “Deus asked me for any proof I was a real being with any will of my own; he asked what my strongest emotion was during my existence. And do you want to know what I responded with? You; my love for you, Yuki” and with that they gently pull Yuki in for a genuine kiss; one without the haste of the threat of death. One without the aftertaste of blood. One that promises that there will be more regardless of where the future leads, so long as the two of them are together it doesn’t matter. “You really are an angel, Aru.” “I can make you regret that statement so so quickly, but thanks for the sentiment.” “Fresh from the grave dug by gods hand and you still… I stand by my sentiment.�� And Aru has the audacity to laugh and that in itself makes Yuki realize just how… natural his thing for Aru is. It lacks the “is this repayment is this real is this just out of what I believe to be obligation” that he had with Yuno, who converses with Mao and Hinata intently in the corner. Aru is Aru and that in itself is enough to tug at Yuki’s heartstrings.

When they’re in the final stages of their plan to kill Deus, the remaining diary holders, Hinata, Mao, Kousaka, Nishijima, and Aru are all gathered together in the cathedral of causality with the same intent: to put an end to the game that’s costed countless lives. Aru’s hand is firmly held in Yuki’s, Yuki knowing damn well just what is probably going through their head and trying to ground Aru despite the fact his own fingers tremble and his entire body feels numb. Aru puts their free hand on Yuki’s shoulder and gazes into his teary eyes; vermillion into indigo; blood into water. And they say “just in case this should go horribly wrong, given that we’re literally facing off against fucking God of all things…” they trail off. They hesitate. Their lips tremble and their eyes burn and their throat closes in emotion but they still manage to do what they intended to: place a final kiss to Yuki’s lips despite they can barely feel it from the numbness of their lips and they can narrowly register Yuki’s hands moving to their hair and their neck and they feel as though they will collapse as Yuki wraps them in a bone crushing embrace the second they pull away. “We’ll be fine; we’ll make it and that’s a promise.” “Since when are you one for confidence?” They manage to joke despite dedicating all of their attention to memorizing Yuki’s embrace and Yuki’s voice and Yuki’s horrible taste in fashion and Yuki’s awful blue eyes and— “Since you refused to let me happily race to my own demise and I couldn’t get rid of you in the same way a stray cat follows you around; plenty of space but a fondness you can’t shake that starts to take root in your heart and—“ “Did you really just try to, with romantic intent, compare me to a stray cat” “Aru what the fuck do you want from me” Yuki laughs through his tears “I don’t know, another kiss couldn’t hurt” “if this doesn’t kill you I will” “You prommy?” “Forever and always, asshole” Aru buries their face in the crook of Yuki’s neck for one final time “Good.”

And after the killing game is out of the way they’re basically inseparable; Yuki sneaking into Hinata’s family manor, which Mao, Yuno, Nishijima, Minene, and Aru moved into thanks to Hinata not wanting to wander its extensive halls like a ghost anymore and figuring you know what why shouldn’t she let her two gfs and their lameass gay detective friend and their weird bisexual parents move into the otherwise vacant estate, nearly every night his mother is at work which is a great majority of them. So Yuki will sneak in at midnight despite Aru giving him a key nearly every night with him usually falling asleep on the couch and Aru falling asleep on top of him like an oversized cat an hour of pacing later. And finally one night Aru finally remembers what they’ve been haphazardly planning out for months and drags Yuki to the roof on a particularly clear night and they go “I know it’s not much and I plan to one up this inevitably but you always said you wanted to look at the stars with a loved one and I’d hope you’d consider me a loved one because good fucking god Yuki I’m positively enamored with you and I—“ and Yuki cuts them off with a kiss that knocks the wind out of their lungs. “Of course I consider you a loved one, you asshole,” Yuki teases tearfully and Aru pauses and blurts out “Oh so I hit this one out of the park huh” and yes they’re the Worst and more than a little rough around the edges but the way the starlight faintly illuminates their white hair into a halo and makes their constellations of scars glow just a little bit and fine maybe the way their scarlet eyes widen and soften at the sight of Yuki makes him equate them with the equivalent of Yuki’s personal guardian angel. “Enjoying the view” they taunt goodheartedly, knowing damn well Yuki’s been staring at Them for the past minute straight. “Fuck you, maybe I am gayass” and Yuki wraps his arms around them and lets his head rest on their shoulder and god maybe just maybe after Everything they’ll be ok.

#this is so so fucking long but idc idc idc they’re EVERYTHING ok.#GOD THIS IS LIKE A REALLY REALLY ROUGH WHOLEASS FANFIC I WONT LIE 😔💔#asks #anon #rewrite tag #writing tag

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benperorsolo · 4 years

Note

Do you have any songs that remind you of Ben? Or Reylo? Most of the playlists I've come across are for Kylo and it's just metal. Which I don't think matches him at all!

I have a Ben playlist that’s nearly 13 hours long and a reylo one that’s about 12 hours. They’ve both been curated since early 2016 and I still add to them. I keep meaning to upload a “final” canonical playlist (the Ben one started as a fic playlist for my redemption fic back in Ye Olden TFA Days) but it’s just so damn big. Since you probably don’t want 25 hours of music(?), here’s...idk a selection of them under the cut.

some ben songs:

Flares — The Script

Did you lose what won't return? Did you love but never learn? The fire's out but still it burns And no one cares, there's no one there

But did you see the flares in the sky? Were you blinded by the light?

I’ll Be Good — James Young

Grace is just weakness Or so I've been told I've been cold, I've been merciless But the blood on my hands scares me to death Maybe I'm waking up today

I'll be good, I'll be good And I'll love the world, like I should

CASTLE OF GLASS (esp the acoustic version) — Linkin Park

Cause I'm only a crack in this castle of glass Hardly anything there for you to see

Nobody Can Save Me — Linkin Park

So tell me it's alright, tell me I'm forgiven If only I can save me now I'm holding up a light Chasing up the darkness inside And I don't wanna let you down But only I can save me

(Un)lost — The Maine

Unaware of where I'm going Or if I'm going anywhere at all I'm not looking to be found Just want to feel (un) lost

Outrunning Karma — Alec Benjamin

He's never gonna make it, all the Poor people he's forsaken (karma) Is always gonna chase him for his lies

Saul to Paul — Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

For all the times I looked into your eyes and said you lie Oh, I'm sorry For all the times I looked into the sky and said I hated you I'm sorry, God forgive me

Oh, Lord please help me change From Saul to Paul Before it's too late (before it's too late)

Gabriel — Bear’s Den

It's a part of me, Gabriel, I wish I could deny The face that I can barely recognize He lives inside of me every day of my life And I can hear him, screaming in the night

Is this all I am? And all I ever was? All that he has won is all that I have lost Won't you hear me out, Gabriel? Can't you see the shape I'm in? Just don't leave me alone

The Only Fire — Motherfolk

Taught to fear my God Then that fear became a cancer And I take medicine to destroy the sin But I know, in the end it's killing me

With my heart in my hands I am ready again I am a broken man, I am

Let It Burn — Red

I watch the city burn These dreams like ashes float away

How long can you stand the pain How long will you hide your face How long will you be afraid Are you afraid? How long will you play this game Will you fight or will you walk away How long will you let it burn Let it burn (let it burn)

Black Eyes — Radical Face

When you last left me my blood was in a jar And you kept it on your mantelpiece I couldn't count on anyone to stand there behind me And keep the dogs from dragging me off with them While I slept you crept in and pulled the rug right out from under me Then the rain stole away and took the parts that kept me functioning

Welcome Home, Son — Radical Face

Peel the scars from off my back I don't need them anymore You can throw them out or keep them in your mason jars I've come home

Great Divide — Ira Wolf

I wish I could take the hands of time and turn them in reverse I'd take back every long goodbye with venom in my words The only way to be being found is getting lost at first But all I find are more bridges to burn

So am I too far gone To be running home Cause I'm longing tonight To be somewhere 'cross that great divide

Dear Wormwood — The Oh Hellos

When I was a child I didn't hear a single word you said Things I was afraid of they were all confined beneath my bed The years have been long, and you have taught me well to hide away The things that I believe in You’ve taught me to call them all escapes

There before the flesh I saw a brighter world beyond myself In my hour of weakness you were there to see my courage fail The years have been long and you have taught me well to sit and wait Planning without acting Steadily becoming what I hate

The Driver —Bastille

Shout out from the bottom of my lungs A plague on both your houses This thing It's a family affair It's drawing out my weakness

Failure — Breaking Benjamin

Tired of feeling lost, tired of letting go Tear the whole world down, tear the whole world down Tired of wasting breath, tired of nothing left Tear the whole world down, tear the whole world down

Ashes of Eden — Breaking Benjamin

Will the faithful be rewarded When we come to the end Will I miss the final warning From the lie that I have lived

Will the darkness fall upon me When the air is growing thin Will the light begin to pull me To its everlasting will

Some reylo songs:

Halo — Beyonce

It's like I've been awakened Every rule I had you breaking It's the risk that I'm taking I ain't never gonna shut you outEverywhere I'm looking now I'm surrounded by your embrace Baby, I can see your halo You know you're my saving grace

Just My Soul Responding — Amber Run

Oh, and I wanna be here when morning comes When the stars in the sky fade into one Oh, and I wanna be here when times are hard When the beating of your heart is like a drum But every day I found new ways to hurt you And every day we took our sides

Reminder — Mumford & Sons

A constant reminder of where I can find her A light that might give up the way Is all that I'm asking for Without her I'm lost Oh my love don't fade away

I Will Follow You Into the Dark — Death Cab for Cutie

Love of mine, someday you will die But I'll be close behind and I'll follow you into the dark No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white Just our hands clasped so tight, waiting for the hint of a spark

My One Safe Place — Andrew Peterson

You're my oasis The eye of the hurricane One look at your face is all I need to remember my name So I run away home (yes I run away home to you) I was an orphan caught in a thunderstorm You open the door and welcome me into your arms So I run away home Yes I run away home to you

Save Yourself — My Darkest Days (this is really more of a Ben POV song, so it’s like the angsty woe is me I’m a monster you shouldn’t be with me song)

I'm the devil's son, straight out of hell And you're an angel with a haunted heart If you're smart you'd run and protect yourself From the demon living in the dark There's nothing to be gained, 'cause I can never change And you can never understand my sickness (I'll never understand my sickness)

Never Giving Up On You — Of Mice & Men

You hit the wall, lost it all And I'll find a way to wake you from this bed you've made Even though I know you want me to I'm never giving up on you

Little Light — Lewis Watson

And all my days were young and wasted When I was waiting, oh for you And all the plans that I've been chasing are always fading But ever since I found you A little light is breaking through

Sinner — Andy Grammer

I've been throwing stones, waiting by the river I've been on my own, praying like a sinner You've been gone too long, I'm waiting out the winter I've been on my knees, praying like, praying like a sinner Well you've built a city right in me And brick by brick and piece by piece And love in both your hands Try to make an honest man

Halo — Starset

I can see you running, running Every night from the same darkness It's coming, coming But you are not alone If you just say the word I'll be there by your side

Armor — Landon Austin

I'm not bullet proof when it comes to you Don't know what to say when you made me the enemy After the war is won There's always the next one I'm not bullet proof when it comes to you

Maybe I'll crash into you Maybe we would open these wounds We're only alive if we bruise So I lay down this armor

Not Alone — Red

And I'll be your hope when you feel like its over And I will pick you up when your whole world shatters And when you're finally in my arms Look up and see love has a face

I am with you I will carry you through it all I won't leave you I will catch you When you feel like letting go Cause you're not, you're not alone

Ghost (acoustic) — Tilian

Is it too late to go back down that road? Or take the backroads, we're not the same no Tell me I'm not dreaming again Our love is not a ghost, our love is not a ghost Could build a brand new home

Even When I’m Gone — Quietdrive

There's a light in my heart That can't be contained You knew right from the start That there's no one here to blame

So send me off with your love, I'll fly like a dove into the sunset of my teenage adolescence And if you're ever feeling alone Know that I'll never forget you Even when I'm gone

#asks #nonnie #recs

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thedyingmoon · 5 years

Text

🖤 I See My Future Before Me 🖤

***

XIX

***

"Fire and ice. Night and day. Moon and sun. Twins. They are coming, mama."

Was dear Cassandra's prophecy.

Nine months later, Vergil and Dante came to our life. Finally, the gods have answered our prayers. And so, our happy family just became bigger.

The moment she laid eyes on him, Andromeda took a great liking to Dante. She always played with him, made him laugh, and when he got a bit older, she started showing him how she trained with the Rebellion. She told him a lot of stories of her adventures with the mighty sword. She influenced him too much that he was starting to grow just like her - courageous and strong, both in will and in body.

And as he grew up with Andromeda, Dante became attached with the Rebellion, as well, and the aspect of slaying Demons with it. More so than her that he begged his father for him to have it. And he relented, saying that he could have it at the right time. A few years later, the two started training together. There never was a pair so perfectly matched and balanced than those two.

Vergil, on the other hand, grew up very differently from Dante. While he was equally strong in both will and in body just like his younger brother, he was wiser than him. Much more than most children of his age.

And during those years of growth, he was watched over by none other than the shy and gentle Galatea.

As soon as he was born, the Bearer of The Past stayed with him. She told him lots of stories, read to him William Blake's poetry ( he took a great liking to the poet's Book of Urizen ), and sang to him sweet, sweet lullabies. And above all, she showed him unconditional kindness and gentleness. Just like what I did for her when she was a bit younger. The love I have for her extended to him.

Galatea loved Vergil. So much that she pledged her own life to protect him.

Andromeda for Dante and Galatea for Vergil,...

However, during those years of the twins' growth, Cassandra has become a bit of a recluse. She rarely spoke, rarely ate, and she doesn't play with her younger siblings anymore. She often isolated herself from us, always watching us from afar.

I tried to speak with her, to convince her to open up, and she would only sigh and glance at me with those dark, sorrowful eyes.

As years went by, she became more and more distant, she, herself, becoming a different person, altogether.

She would watch the weather outside, and would stare for hours when it rained or stormed. Her sisters, including the twins, convinced her to be with them, to no avail.

Then, one day, when my husband spoke with her, she simply broke down and cried. She was,... pleading with him, for an unknown reason.

For one last time, she begged him,...

... and on that night, he left us, just like that,...

And Cassandra? She locked herself in her room and cried day and night. I managed to convince her to let me in, to tell me everything she knew.

And that's when I finally found out,...

... the inevitable,...

Vergil, Dante, if you are reading this right now, the Demons might have already killed me. But, do understand that I did it to protect you, to keep you away from your father's enemies.

But, I beg you, please! Do not hate your father. He has a fair reason to leave us. Cassandra told me everything. It has to happen.

You two are the only family I have left. Please, protect each other, have each other's backs. Use the weapons your father gave you, the Yamato and the Rebellion.

Then, find the sisters of Fate. Find Cassandra, Andromeda, and Galatea. They will lend you power - the power to defeat the true enemy. No matter what those people say about them, they are not the enemies. Do not believe them. You need these girls, as much as they need you. They need your help, as much as you need theirs.

And finally, I love you so, so much, my sons. Forgive me for everything.

Vergil and Dante, I love you, so much.

This journal was owned by Eva Sparda.

The Sisters of Fate mysteriously vanished after the demonic attack in Red Grave.

Dante survived the ordeal and used a different name to conceal his true identity from Sparda's enemies.

Vergil, like the Sisters of Fate, vanished that evening.

This is Eva's final journal entry.

***

You were staring at your own trembling hands, your body feeling tense all over.

The Aspect of The Future has finally shown you how to fulfill the wish.

After so many years of searching, of longing to see that white - haired man in your visions, it has finally come to this,...

You knew that you will be succesful in your mission, yes.

But, deep inside your aching heart, you don't want to do it.

You were so afraid and so confused. You want to shout at the universe, to tell each and everyone who lived in it how unfair your life was. You believed you would have your precious, happy ending. You honestly, achingly, believed that you would be with this man.

But, alas, you were wrong.

For your life, ever since that night you were taken over by the entities that saved you countless of times, belonged to them and to this man, and has never been yours.

And this life you had, you knew you must offer.

You knew everything was inevitable, and, yet, God! You don't want to die just yet. You want to live! You want to live longer,...

Four days prior

Nico and Nero found out, without you even telling them, how V didn't confess to you that evening.

And since then, you two have become even more distant with each other.

Especially V. He stubbornly refused to take breaks, volunteering to do extra rounds of Devil Hunting even if he didn't have to. Even if he looked like he was about to collapse at any given moment. He worked his familiars to the bone, which was very evident with Griffon's complaints. He rarely showed himself to the rest of the crew, and when he did, he never really paid any attention to all of you.

Especially you. He avoided you like the plague, he never even bothered to look at you. And during those times when you had no choice but to lock eyes, he just looked at you with those empty green ones of his, devoid of his usual warmth towards you.

He has become a different person, altogether. And you didn't understand why.

youtube

"Well I've heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord.

But you don't really care for music, do you?

Well it goes like this:

The fourth, the fifth, the minor fall and the major lift,

The baffled king composing Hallelujah!

Hallelujah,

Hallelujah!

That afternoon the next day, V simply went out of the van without saying a word. Nero shook his head in disbelief and faced you as you sat on the sofa, listening to that dreary song on the radio.

"Well your faith was strong but you needed proof.

You saw her bathing on the roof,

Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew ya.

She tied you to her kitchen chair,

And she broke your throne and she cut your hair.

And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah!

Hallelujah,

Hallelujah!

"Hey, you okay?" The youth carefully asked you as he kneeled in front of you. He sensed your pain, and he hated to watch someone like you suffer in silence - because he knew you did not deserve any of it.

You made an effort to smile at the person who was worried about you, and yet your eyes remained the same - dull, lifeless, melancholic,...

"But baby I've been here before,

I've seen this room and I've walked this floor.

You know, I used to live alone before I knew ya.

And I've seen your flag on the marble arch,

And love is not a victory march.

It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah!

Hallelujah,

Hallelujah!

"Other than my heart slowly falling apart, yes, I'm fine." You sincerely admitted to the boy, knowing full well that it would do you no good to hide your emotions from him.

Nero's eyebrows furrowed as he sighed in dismay. He held your hands and squeezed them as gently as he could. This simple, yet thoughtful, gesture of his made you emotional once more, and with a herculean effort, you held back the tears that longed to pour out since yesterday morning.

"Kyrie bakes the best apple pies in the world, no shit." Nero told you, his voice as calm and as gentle as possible.

"I won't argue with that." Nico agreed as she sat next to you and wrapped a single, protective arm around you. "Kyrie's pies are simply the best."

Nero smiled at her. For once, they weren't arguing. "When this is all over, I'd like you to come live with us in Fortuna for a while. I'm pretty sure Kyrie would love your company."

"Oh, I would love to. Thank you, Nero." You answered with a simple nod.

"And, ah,..." Nero held up his shiny new Breaker made from the materials that Nico got from the Electric Furies that you fought last Saturday, showing you its powerful fist. "... if you want, I can teach V a lesson or two. I'll even offer it free of charge. Just say the word." He graciously offered, then winked at you, his charmingly boyish smile making you giggle.

"Oh, you don't have to but, I'll think about that offer of yours."

"There you go!" Nero cheered for you as he playfully bumped his metal fist against your cheek, making you laugh. "That's it! You look nicer with that smile on your face. I can't wait to introduce you to my Kyrie."

"And I can't wait to finally meet her." You replied as you glanced at both him and Nico, the two people who never left you and stayed with you through this hard time. "I only knew her from Nico's many awesome stories about her but, I haven't actually met her personally."

"Yeah, but first, we have a Dreadnought to kill. Time to move on, Nico!" Nero said as he stood up. He nodded at her, saluted at you playfully, and finally left.

"What does that supposed to mean?"

"Like that. It's time to move on." Nico answered as she went straight to the driver's seat, sat down and fastened her seatbelt. "Honey, let's not wait for the grass to grow! Let's go!"

You hastily went to the passenger's seat and fastened your own seatbelt. Nico nodded, and started the trailer,...

"Well there was a time when you let me know,

What's really going on below.

But now you never show that to me do ya?

But remember when I moved in you,

And the holy dove was moving too,

And every breath we drew was Hallelujah!

Hallelujah,

Hallelujah!

"HANG ON TIGHT!" Nico shrieked as she drove the trailer past the ballroom towards the balcony where you had that last, painful conversation with V,...

... where you first met the man who was the cause of all your pain and everything else,...

... where you danced your first and last waltz with the man you loved and achingly missed,...

... where you met the love of your life,...

... where you saw your future.

"NICO, WE'RE GONNA CRASH THAT BALCONY!"

"THAT'S THE POINT!" Nico answered with a wild smile on her face. "WE HAVE TO MOVE ON, RIGHT?!"

And just like that - she drove through the remains of the glass that separated the ballroom and the balcony and made your way towards the railing,...

"Maybe there's a God above,

But all I've ever learned from love,

Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya.

And it's not a cry that you hear at night.

It's not somebody who's seen the light.

It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah!

"AAAHHH!" You shrieked as Nico drove straight through the railing, destroying everything in her path, marble, pillar, and all, and made the abused vehicle fly in mid - air,...

"Hallelujah,

Hallelujah,

Hallelujah!

You seriously thought that you're going to die. The ground looked far ahead, the things inside the vehicle that weren't attached flew as you went down, down, down towards who knew where,...

"Hallelujah,

Hallelujah,

Hallelujah!

"(Y/N), WHAT DO YA REALLY FEEL ABOUT V?!"

"I LOVE HIM! OH, GOD, FORGIVE ME! I DO!"

"THEN, TELL HIM!"

"WHAT?!"

"SLOW DUMBASS! IF HE CHICKENED OUT ON YA LAST NIGHT, THEN IT'S UP TO YA TO DRAG HIS ASS BACK HERE AND MAKE HIM STAY FOR GOOD!"

"I DON'T GET IT!"

"SLOW! DUMB! ASS! CONFESS TO HIM!"

"AAAHHH!"

"Hallelujah,

Hallelujah,

Hallelujah!"

Just when the vehicle was about to land, you closed your eyes, feeling as if your whole world would end.

You felt everything around you quake violently, and when you could no longer feel the wild tremors, you opened your eyes and saw a breathtakingly - brand new scenery where the sunlight shone through every last picturesque structure.

Nico and Nero were, indeed, correct. Perhaps they felt that your old base was stifling and harsh.

Perhaps you just needed a breath of fresh air, along with a cleaner, more positive view of the outside world.

"Go get the guy, hon." Nico ordered you as she bumped your shoulder.

"What if he didn't listen to me?"

"Then, try again. And don't stop until he listens to you."

"And what makes you so sure this is gonna work?"

The artisan winked at you as she gave you a knowing smirk. "He loves you, too. I know. He's obvious."

"Is that so?"

The woman rolled her eyes. "You really are slow, aren't you?" She clapped her hands and spoke once more. "Go! Go! There are Demons to kill! The boys are out! No one's gonna see you transform! Except V. Let him see you do it. And while you're at it, tell him how you feel. He won't resist you by then. And that's your last resort! If it doesn't work, I don't know what will."

"Okay! Okay!" You answered as you stood and took your weapons.

"Grab that pretty, skinny ass, woman!"

"Stop. Just, stop,..."

For four days straight, all of you did the same routine. V ( who had a really rough time finding the new location of the van ) was always the first to leave, followed by Nero ( who laughed so unapologetically hard when the poet finally arrived at the trailer about three hours late the next day ).

And you? You always leave after the boys.

During that short time, you got used to the habit of leaving "after the boys" that it has become second nature to you.

And during those times of lonely Devil Hunting, you hoped and prayed that V would show up. As you sliced flesh after Demon flesh, you even envisioned yourself confessing to him. You would first apologize, then tell him how you missed him. After that, you could see yourself saying those words to him.

And then, you would simply smile at the nice and positive thought.

Yes, your situation with V as of the moment looked very dreadful. But, deep inside your heart, you knew that everything's going to be just fine.

Everything's gonna be alright.

It has become your ultimate mantra.

You were reciting it four days after you "moved on" as you killed a Demon, when, all of a sudden,...

"... find me when the time comes."

You heard a soft voice inside your head. You closed your eyes, feeling the entity inside you take over as it began showing you visions.

The moment you were transported to a different place, this time, to a house that was seemingly burning, you saw yourself touching a sword and whispering to it, pleading,...

"Our fates are connected. Our bond will remain unbreakable. Whatever happens, the Yamato will always bring us closer. Find me when the time comes, and then,..."

Just then, the door bursted open, and some menacing creatures entered with all the intention to murder you.

You grabbed the sword and held it high in an effort to guard yourself against the Demons.

"I will wait for as long as it takes. I only ask for one thing: don't forget about me,...

... Vergil."

Vergil,...

Everything became blurry, and when everything cleared up, you saw her face once more - the woman who always haunted your dreams.

"Please, find him and save him before it's too late! Protect him at all cost. Save him from his death!" She begged you once more. "I' am so sorry, my dear. Fulfill my wish, I beg you,...

... Galatea."

Gala,... tea?

You reached out a hand but, you were too late. She was ripped open by the Demons around her.

Yet, despite that you could still hear her voice inside your head.

"I' am deeply sorry for hiding this for too long. Vergil is dying and you are the only one who could save him. But, in order to do it, you must offer your life,...

... willingly,...

... only then can he fully revive and defeat his enemies.

Forgive me, dear (Y/N). Forgive me."

You opened your eyes in utter shock. However, despite the fact that you just escaped from that unspeakable vision, you were horrified to find yourself in another one wherein you were looking at a pair of bloody, golden eyes,...

"This,... is what f - friends are f - for,..."

You were given no rest as you suddenly found yourself being sucked into another vision and saw yourself running endlessly away from something truly horrific. The thing which wounded those majestic eyes,...

"Why?!"

Feeling tired and beaten to the bones, you stopped, only to hear a familiar voice that whispered to you,...

"What evil lurks, I must destroy!"

You felt a sharp pain in your chest, like you were being stabbed. Just like that dream you had,...

But, it wasn't the only pain you felt.

You felt hopelessness, melancholy,

... and above all, heartbreak,...

"Why?!"

You jolted from your fearful visions, feeling all your tears pour out.

And who could blame you?

You just saw everything, and you finally have all the answers.

You were staring at your own trembling hands, your body feeling tense all over.

The Aspect of The Future has finally shown you how to fulfill the wish.

After so many years of searching, of longing to see that white - haired man in your visions, it has finally come to this,...

You knew that you will be succesful in your mission, yes.

But, deep inside your aching heart, you don't want to do it.

But, alas, you were wrong.

For your life, ever since that night you were taken over by the entities that saved you countless of times, belonged to them and to this man, and has never been yours.

And this life you had, you knew you must offer.

You knew everything was inevitable, and, yet, God! You don't want to die just yet. You want to live! You want to live longer,...

To fulfill her wish, you need to die,...

For him to survive and regain his strength, he must drive that sword through your heart.

For him to defeat his enemies,...

... V,...

... the one you truly loved and vowed to protect,...

... must put an end,...

... to your life.

***

~ A V X Reader set in an Alternate Universe wherein Nico's trailer defies all laws of physics. 👌

~ Tagging these friends, @heaven-on-a-landslide , @lessy86 , @gxthghoulfriend , @boundbysoul , @ehrzeth , @krazy06 , @diabeticsugarush , @ceruleanworld , and @simmy-ships . 🖤

***

🖤🖤🖤

***

#devil may cry 5 #v #i see my future before me #v x reader #v x you #devil may cry eva #devil may cry sparda #devil may cry dante #devil may cry vergil #devil may cry nero #devil may cry nico #devil may cry kyrie #rip jeff buckley #hallelujah #chapter 19

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fitmydaydream · 6 years

Text

Apologies - Part 3

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3

Prompt: Shawn becomes miserable after Y/N left for a so called break. But how long will the break last? Will Shawn be able to win her back?

Word Count: Almost 4k

A/N: Well who knew I would be writing a part 3 to this but here we are. I cannot thank you guys enough for showing so much love to me. I'll forever be grateful. I love y'all babies 🌸💕 Also this part is gonna be a bit longer so hold on tight!

One week. It has been one whole week since Shawn has last seen you walk through the door. One week of utter heartbreak. One week of loneliness and sheer regret. Shawn has been through it all.

The morning after you left, Shawn woke upto a cold hard floor realising he had cried himself to sleep on the floor only. Flashbacks of the last night hit him and there he was back again, grieving over your absence.

He called you several times but you didn't pick up even once. All his calls went straight to your voicemail and all the messages remained ignored. Every moment was stabbing him in the heart, blaming himself for all the mess. Oh god if only he would've acted a bit responsible.

The deadline was approaching near but he didn't care about it now. Whenever he would try and sit down to think about a song, his thoughts would get distracted and he would always end up thinking about the words you said.

You broke me in the blink of an eye Shawn.

A tear would slip down his cheek and he would wipe it off. He wasn't able to focus anymore. He was ignoring all the calls he was getting from his management team and has not been to the studio since the last week giving an excuse that he was working at home.

Brian and Andrew sensed something was up and decided to visit him due to his lack of presence in studio and the halted progress in work. Analysing the mess he has created out of himself and his surroundings, they decided to bring up the question.

"What do you think you're doing with yourself?" Andrew asked.

Shawn looked terrible. Red eyes, purple under eyes bags, messed up house and his lack of presence of mind were all evident of the fact of the immense effect it had on Shawn when you left him that day. He was not eating properly and probably was not in his best state at all.

"What? I'm working on stuff." Shawn said bluntly.

"Oh is it? Let me take a look at your work then. May I know where is it?" Andrew asked clearly pissed off.

"Jesus! Do you need a fucking proof of everything? I said I'm working on it!" Shawn argued.

"I know you're lying to my face Shawn. Otherwise why would you stop coming to the studio all of a sudden. Why would you even ignore our calls? Hell you even fought with Y/N. What's the problem man?" Andrew asked bluntly.

"That is the bloody problem Andrew! That is the bloody problem! She left. Y/N left!!!!!!" Shawn yelled.

"W-What?" Andrew was confused.

"Yes she fucking left Andrew after all that I said to her. I broke her terribly. I hurt her like an enemy and now she left and I don't even know if she's coming back or not!" Shawn broke.

Andrew was shocked. He stepped forward to put a hand in consolation over Shawn's shoulder.

"I get-" Andrew said but was interrupted.

"No you don't get it okay! It has all happened because of you people!!!!" Shawn shouted.

"You all are crazy. You all want me to follow my passion but at the same time want it done so quickly like I'm working on a damn written assignment or something. It's music for fuck's sake. It takes time you know? It requires thinking and a lot of emotions attached to it. It can't just come up with a song like that. I'm not even happy with my work anymore because you guys always want the work on your table so on time like some fucking dinner oh my god. And because of this, I've not been able to even talk properly with Y/N since the past several months as you guys always want me to be in the studio. I left her when she needed me the most. I ignored her. I didn't say anything because I thought this all was happening for good but no it wasn't and here I'm in the midst of a hell hole. I watched her walk past that door after begging her to stay and I don't even know if she'll ever be back? How am I supposed to focus Andrew? Tell me? Does this make you happy? Are you happy that I lost her?" Shawn was on the verge of tears with his voice cracking.

"So you're now saying that this is all because of us don't you? What fucking lame ass excuse are you giving us for a breakup which you were responsible for Shawn?!" Andrew said angrily.

Brian told Andrew to shut up just for once because this wasn't the right time to argue with Shawn.

"Yes I only mean what you're hearing? You're sick. Your whole management is sick. Thinks people are fucking robots or something. You and you management can go and fuck yourself!" Shawn retaliated.

Andrew was done with him. Brian dragged Andrew outside before this could get anymore ugly.

"What are you doing dude?" Brian whisper yelled.

"Wh-what I am doing? Didn't you see him being such an immature and irresponsible guy. It's like I don't know him and how the fuck did he dare to put this all on us. I'm-"

Brian interrupted " I know buddy. He's not in a right state. You know how much he was attached to Y/N. He loved her to death and with her leaving him now, he has totally lost it. He needs consolation and help Andrew and not people reminding him it's his mistake because he surely does know it. You and me we both know that he's not totally wrong about what he said about the management. It's partially our fault too you know? He worked more than he needed. You know what I mean right?" Brian asked Andrew and he kinda nodded slightly but not too much.

"I'll talk to him. I'll also try to talk to Y/N and see if this gets any better. But for now, give him a little more time for he is going through a lot right now. He's in pain and needs help okay. You can go now and I'll try to talk to him about this. Just be cool huh?"

Andrew nodded and went for his car. Brian sighed in relief and went inside. He saw Shawn sitting on the couch with his head in his hands.

He walked up to him and placed a hand on his knee asking "Hey buddy! How you doin'?"

"What are you here for now?" Shawn mumbled against his hands.

"What? I'm here to check up on my buddy. Gotta see is he's doing okay?"

"Well then you're gonna be really disappointed because I'm a screwed up mess right now. I don't know what to do. Y/N isn't picking up any of my calls neither is she replying to my texts. I think she hates me now and probably won't ever be back and all this wouldn't have happened if I wouldn't have been a dick to her. So there's that and I'm doing just fine I guess?" Shawn rambled.

"Woah! Woah dude slow down. So you're telling me you just called and texted her and never actually tried to go after her or chase her? What difference is that gonna make Shawn? What are you thinking?" Brian said surprisingly.

"What do you mean by that?" Shawn asked looking up, confused by what Brian was implying.

"You gotta reach out for her Shawn duh?" Brian raised an eyebrow hoping Shawn would get the indication.

"I'm not really getting you Brian. Stop beating around the bush and get to the point!"

"God! Are you really that dumb or do you pretend to be one. Well seems like you are actually dumb because what I'm trying to say is you got to reach out for her in real. All these texts and calls about how much you miss her and love her will not make any progress buddy. If you really love her so much then you gotta tell her about it. You've to find a way to meet her. I don't know how but figure it out before it gets too late and she changes her mind to not come back to you. Time is precious and you've already lost a week. Go after her. Chase her. Are you getting what I'm saying Shawn? No one considers a mere call or a text expressing your love or regret as a solid way to apologise you know." Brian asked.

"Oh shit! What was I thinking?" Shawn sat there wide eyed.

"Exactly. My point. But it's never too late. You've still got time. Think about a plan and chase her. As much as I know Y/N, Shawn she really loves you. And if you assure her that you're never gonna mess things up like this again and show how much love you hold for her, I'm sure she's gonna consider you another time."

"Yes I think you're so damn right. I should go but she's living with Noah and as much as I know Noah she won't let me meet her after seeing what I did to Y/N. She's never gonna let me meet her." Shawn ran his hands through his hair in frustration and groaned.

"Dude did you lose your brain somewhere or threw it into trash can someday because you're fucking stupid. Who told you to go and ring the bell and be a gentleman? Figure out her room and climb through a ladder like a romeo and get inside your Juliet's room and do your thing bitch!" Brian exclaimed.

Shawn stared at Brian for a minute as if he was a superhuman. He mentally face palmed himself for being so dumb and wasting so much time texting and calling her. Suddenly, he hugged Brian tightly.

"You're a saviour Brian! Thank you so much! God knows how much time I would've really wasted if you wouldn't have been on time here." Shawn said a bit happily as he got some hope that maybe he was not that late that he has imagined himself to be.

"You're welcome pussy." Brian said smiling. "Now go and do it! Good luck mate! I'm sure she's gonna be back and everything is gonna be alright! Just don't bring your defeated ass back home. Bring home victory!"

It was raining and you were driving your way back to Noah's home after a tiring day at work. Yes, work. You decided to go back to work since sitting idle was eating you up and bringing back bad thoughts and memories which were never really helping you.

It has been one week since you walked out of that door and last seen Shawn's face. You wouldn't deny that you missed him. You missed him like crazy. And you were still in love with him.

You wondered how he must be doing. Would he be fine? Would he be sad? Would he be over you? Would he be expecting you to be back? Endless thoughts circled your minds daily and it was hurting you.

You also debated with yourself at times whether you did the right thing or not and that was the most scary part. You tried talking to Noah about this and it kind of helped.

"Y/N honey" she' sighed. "It was a decision you thought about right? It wasn't taken in the heat of the moment. You were hurt too much. Anyone who would've been in your place would've considered it to be an appropriate thing you know? I know what you're thinking but you needed some personal space to figure things out and that wouldn't have been possible if you would've still been there right? So stop beating yourself up" Noah said calmly.

You wouldn't deny that it helped talking to Noah about this but not that much that you expected. It was still bothering you.

You pulled your car in Noah's driveway and turned off the ignition. You signed and rang the bell. The door opened and you were greeted by Noah talking on her phone to someone. She smiled at you and you smiled back at her. She continued talking on her phone in a low voice but it was still audible to you.

"No I can't you know about Y/N right. She's sick and she has been living with me since a week so I gotta take care of her. I'll come in the next one for s-" Noah whispered.

You snatched the phone from her and answered "Actually Y/N is well and I would absolutely love to come around tonight. I'll be there at 8. Bye."

"What the hell was that Y/N? Why would you do that? You know I don't wanna leave you-"

"I know Noah and that's why I'd to do that. You've already done so much for me and I'm so utterly thankful of you that you stood by my side all the time and took care of me like a baby. But I'm fine Noah. I just want you to go out and have some fun and not avoid this just because of me. That'll make me feel even worse you know." you said while making a puppy face which you knew Noah couldn't resist.

Noah gave you a genuine smile and hugged you. You hugged her back.

"You bitch! You've to make that face don't you" Noah said and you chuckled.

"Yes and now go, get ready. Dress up sexy and get some ass." you said with a wink and Noah fake gasped.

After about an hour you saw Noah get ready to leave.

"I'll be back early. You'll be alright?" Noah asked you in a concerned way.

"No way! You'll not be back before 12 I'm ordering you girl. You better not be back home before that otherwise I won't let you in" you said in a made up manly tone.

"Okay mom!" Noah said and hugged you goodbye.

"Just drive safe and have fun!" you shouted behind her and she nodded while driving away. You sighed somewhat in relief and happiness. But now you were all alone. It was raining outside making it a gloomy evening.

It was already half past 8 so you decided to have a light dinner and retire yourself to bed by 9 after a good bath.

You couldn't help the thoughts about Shawn in your shower. How beautiful he looked when his lips curved into a smile, how the crinkles by his eyes appeared when he laughed flashing his perfect teeth, the way his perfect lips felt upon yours and how he was the ultimate source of happiness.

You shook your head to clear your thoughts. You turned off the shower and got out of it. Then you changed into your pjs and a loose t-shirt and snuggled yourself into the bed with the curtains wide open. You stared at your phone screen displaying hundreds of voicemails and messages that were not still opened by you and your hands itched to do that.

You watched the rain pour down and the thunder striking which always scared you. This reminded you of how Shawn would cuddle you in his arms whenever the lightning struck. A tear slipped from your eyes.

This was too hard. You wanted to go back to Shawn. You began to contemplate your decision whether you were right to leave him or not.

Shawn loved you. He moved away from his family and friends to live with you just because he loved you. And you knew how suoer stressed he gets when it comes to music. You thought whether you did the right thing to leave him when he needed you the most. He said you gave him motivation and what did you do? You left him? Yes he was wrong to say such things to you and heck even he did a mistake to ignore you but were you intending on taking a revenge from him instead of that? You loved him right?

Your thoughts were interrupted by a heavy pounding on your window. You were startled by the sound. You raised your head to get a better view and saw some wet curls slowly emerging up. You froze in your position. It was the person you were just thinking about. It was Shawn. He was trying to get inside. This is was all too much to process.

He was dripping wet. You realised you were staring for too long when he got restless and the pounding got faster signalling you to let him asap.

You ran towards your window and opened it. You helped Shawn get inside and he got you wet also. You quickly closed the window and went to grab a towel for Shawn to dry himself out. You handed him the towel while you caught him staring at you. You stared back at him.

This was such an intimate moment. You both were not saying anything. Just looking at each other, taking all in. It was like one of the many times when you both saw each other for first time. This was beautiful. He was beautiful.

"Come back Y/N" Shawn blurted out.

"Wha-"

"You heard it right baby. Come back. Just come back to me. It's too hard without you Y/N. Life's hard without you." Shawn said. He stepped forward and held your arms gently.

"I mean it. I love you Y/N. I love you with all my heart. I can scream it to the whole world and not feel even a tad bit of ashamed by it. I'm so disappointed in myself so much that I can't even tell you. In those past days, I just wanna tell you that it took everything in me not to run back to you every minute. I hated myself for doing this to you. There was not a moment when I didn't think about you. I wished I could just take all that back and tell you that you were not even near to what I said to you that day baby." Shawn's voice croaked.

"Shaw-" he put a finger on your lips.

"Shh! No let me speak today baby."

You were starting to tear up. He moved his hands to your cheeks and cupped them.

"Look into my eyes Y/N. Don't they scream about the love I have for you. Y/N you've saved me everytime I was about to fall. You are the power I have that keeps me on my toes. That keeps me motivated. You're my strength baby and not my weakness. You've that magic that helps me keep my shit together and not make me feel otherwise. You've been there for me when I used to feel so hopeless and useless. I don't wanna miss you like this Y/N. I want you like you used to be with me. I want you back. You keep me sane and at the same time you drive me insane. I love this contrast in my emotions when I'm with you. I'm at my best when I'm with you." Shawn was now crying. Light sobs were escaping your lips.

"What we have Y/N is so beautiful and magical. If I'd known what you were feeling like, I swear my love that I would've never left you like that everyday and would never have played so nonchalant. Distance, timings, breakdown, fightings and silence, we've been through it all. I don't wanna lose you baby. I've my whole life planned with you before my eyes. I always see you walking down the aisle and holding your face gently and kissing you in front of our families. I already see you as the mother of my children baby. I wouldn't trade this for the world. This is so precious Y/N. Just come back to me. I'm apologize with all my entire heart for all the nights I left you alone when I should've held you in my arms and have told you that it's gonna be fine. I should have been there for you when you woke up in the morning to kiss your lips. I regret not doing all those things in those past months which I intend to do now. Don't let this go Y/N my love. Don't let our forever get ripped into shreds babe. Just come back. Just come back baby." Shawn whimpered.

The look in his eyes said it all. The pain in those eyes were evident of the immense fear he was experiencing of losing you. It spoke to your heart directly. Someone once said that fall in love with the eyes because they never change. You saw it today. His eyes still held the same amount of love and tenderness as they'd when he first declared that he loved you. You were looking into eyes while you brought his face closer to you with your hands. Shawn placed his forehead on yours and you both were crying. It was getting too emotional. Shawn wiped a tear that was streaming down your cheek with his thumb and touched his nose with yours.

"I'm sorry" you whispered through sobs."Don't be. It's me who's at fault." he whispered back.

"No baby. I realised I left you when you needed me the most. You begged me to say but I couldn't hear you over my ego. I'm so sorry baby." You whispered against his lips.

"No baby. That was not your ego. That was your dignity and I'm so proud of you that you stood for yourself and kicked some sense into me." he cried softly against skin.

"I love you Shawn. I love you so much. We are not meant to fight like this. I miss us. I miss how we used to be. This love is good and you're the best thing that has ever been mine."

"I love you more baby. So fucking more. You're my life, my forever and my everything. I promise I'm gonna make this all better. The stakes will always be high but I'm ready to fight the world when you're right beside me holding my hand. I'm not gonna treat you like I did. You're my princess baby. No one can take what is ours and I'm fearless now."

You cried against his lips even harder. You took this moment to crash your lips against his. Shawn's hands held you closer to him by your waist as much as possible while your hands went from his chest to behind his neck where you interlocked them. The kiss was passionate, desperate and so loving. You bit at his lower lip. Shawn leaned into you more to make the kiss more intense. His hands roamed all over your body like a nomad wandering for his home. Your heart was healing with every second of this kiss. You realised this was all you'll ever want. His tongue delved into your and explored it with so much intimacy. You tugged at his curl which made him moan into your mouth. Suddenly lightening struck and you pulled out of the kiss, scared. Shawn looked at you and sensed that you were afraid so he wrapped you in his arms and kissed your head. You got engulfed in his scent and realised no place could be safer that his arms.

"I'm cold Shawn" you mumbled against his chest. " Well then I know just the right way to make you feel warm" Shawn said and you felt him smile against your forehead moving his lips straight down to your neck and kissing your skin over there. It was finally time to say goodbye to all the hardships and anguish and the perfect moment to celebrate the victory of love.

I hope you guys liked how I ended it?! Feedback is cool! Also, if you've any ideas for any future imagines feel free to share with me ♥️ MASTERLIST

#shawn mendes #shawn peter raul mendes #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes imagines #shawn mendes post #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes fluff #shawn mendes text #shawn mendes angst #shawn mendes smut #apologies 3

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we-all-fall-underground · 5 years

Text

Inadequate friendship

On one of the many free days the duo got, Pacifica and Kaipo decided to join a small marathon that was taking place in a nearby natural park. They suited up slightly for warmth, seeing as how the weather predicted for a fairly cloudy day. But no matter how it turned out, they both agreed to push through it (otherwise the first to drop out would have to pay for the other's take out for a whole week). As they reached the starting area with the other participants, Pacifica tugged at Kaipo's sweater. "Does it really have to be a competition between us? I didn't really get that much sleep last night, so really I'm at an unfair disadvantage already."

"No no no, you aren't talking me out of something this time!" Kaipo chuckled. "A promise is a promise!"

"But Kaiiiipoooo!" She whined. "Please? It's already super cold, and I swear I felt a raindrop earlier." To prove her point further, she held out her hand in the air and waited for the non existent rain to pour.

And sure, it was cold. Kaipo believed that. Looking around, they noticed how better suited other people were, as they were doing stretches and trying to keep warm before the race started. Plus... Pacifica was too god damn adorable sometimes to ignore. "Fine! Okay, I give! We won't race race. But you better be able to keep pace with me!" They said. "And! You automatically pay for my meal for today. Just today."

"Alright alright, I can deal with that," she smiled, then took to stretching herself. When the race finally started, the two waited for the crowd to clear and began jogging at a slow pace thanks to Pacifica.

It was quiet for the majority of it, the two admiring the nature. Pacifica continued commenting about how she swore she felt rain, but since Kaipo had already put up their hood, they didn't really notice. Another several minutes and yards later, Pacifica broke the silence.

"So, you've been kinda distant lately. I mean, not to call you out or anything, but I'm also definitely very much calling you out on it," she started. "Like, you didn't really have much to say about living with all these other teens and kids along with our little group. You just okay with it? Now that I think about it..." She flinched momentarily, actually getting a raindrop on her, "when was the last time we actually went out to do something together? Just the two of us?"

Kaipo sighed, keeping ahead of her just slightly. Their stomach had been twirled in a knot this whole morning, expecting some sort of confrontation about this very situation. "Now that's a lot to unpack that we don't really have time for-"

"Uh, we're literally going super slow for this very reason," she pointed out.

"Okay-" Kaipo huffed, stopping in place. Pacifica stopped next to them and scrunched her brows. "Let's just walk. And maybe reapproach exactly what you're trying to ask."

"Oh, okay." Pacifica led the way now, thinking to herself. What first? "Okay then. Why're you so distant. Start there."

"I don't think I'm being distant-" Kaipo looked up at a bird flying away. Huh, super cloudy. "I've kinda just been... chill. Calm. I don't always have to be super sunshiny all the time."

Pacifica stared at them. "Yeah well duh, but I mean you've started to get like this since even before we found out we were being put in this... group home."

Kaipo tried to think back to what she was mentioning: the announcement of the 'group house'. It had gotten harder on Kaipo's aunt and uncle to care for them when their restaurant was booming in business. Kaipo wanted nothing more but to continue helping them out, but when this rich old couple came by with the offer of a lifetime, Kaipo saw it as a sign to start living for themself and not burden their aunt and uncle much more.

Apparently, they were going around and doing a community service for helping teens and kids alike become independent, no matter what their homing situation was like. In Kaipo's mind, they were on the good home end of the spectrum of kids, and saw that this was a really generous way to help out others, so why not join? Yet deep down they felt like maybe the couple got the wrong impression about how Kaipo was living. Sure, the house being used was grand and lavish and had Kaipo's dream kitchen, and their son Edgar was pretty cool, but they couldn't help but feel like the couple was looking down on them as though they were a poor poverished puppy. And that was no way to start off growing their independence, or their confidence in that matter.

And they acted this way to all the other kids as well: Pacifica- which they found out was already living there shortly after- Orabella and her brother Everard, Dante, Verity was a surprising one, and the new kids they haven't gotten to quite meet yet. It left a very bad taste in Kaipo's mind, but yet again, it was still such a good service. How could they speak against it?

"Kaipo?" Pacifica waved her hand. "You see, this is exactly what I mean!"

Kaipo blinked a few times then looked over at her. "Oh right. Sorry. But no, being spacey is different from being distant."

"Fucking-" she stomped forward, already wanting to give up on this conversation.

But Kaipo kept pace, upset. "What- hey! You can't get mad because I'm right you know! You said you were going to try to listen to me more before, remember?"

"Whatever. You're like totally avoiding my question, but whatever," she grumbled, shaking it off. Yes, of course she remembered the promise she made to her best friend. "Okay, fine. Next question then. Why don't you hang out with me as much anymore? You're my fucking best friend; I thought I was gonna have you through this whole new move and everything, but it seems like when you found out I was already living at the group house, you wanted nothing to do with me! Do you know how much that fucking hurts?"

Kaipo frowned, looking away. Okay... she had a point. It wasn't fair to her that they did completely detach themself from her when they moved in. "Well maybe i wanted to be my own person and not be pegged as Pacifica's friend," they thought. But it's not like they would say that out loud. She's already hurting clearly. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that."

"So why did you? Because, again, you've grown distant!" As she spoke, a few very obvious raindrops splashed down on them, and soon a shower began to cover them. Pacifica pulled up her hood.

Kaipo looked away again, and from her view, she realized they were going into another blank state and she was growing impatient. Her own best friend was keeping things from her, and she couldn't figure out why or what to do. Was it the move? Was it anxiety? Did something happen to Kaipo's family? She hardly felt like she knew them any more and no mater how many times she tried to do things with them while the others were around, they kinda began to ignore her. Kaipo was her fucking friend first! Seeing the new group of kids take a liking to Kaipo and not her was making her furious. And now here they were again, with Pacifica being ignored. She grunted, and started to jog away from them.

"Pacifica!" Kaipo snapped out of it, and rushed to keep up. But as soon as Kaipo tried to slow her down to talk, Pacifica pushed forward and gave them the cold shoulder. She was done- she was just done with being ignored. If Kaipo wouldn't speak to her, she thought to just give each other space again. But Kaipo wasn't letting up. "C'mon! How are you supposed to hear me out if you're gonna keep running away from me! How am I supposed to talk to you?"

"How am I supposed to talk to you Kaipo?!" She shouted back, then began running. It seemed that was all she had to say.

Kaipo felt their face heat up, and an invisible weight was slowly pushing down on their chest. Was this... what it felt to be angry, Kaipo wondered. Because yes, Pacifica was finally pissing them off. But God, it was such an ugly feeling. They didn't want to be mad at their best friend, but she wasn't listening to them! Trying to push through this conversation was hurting them! Their eyes started to water up, but it blended in with the rain streaking down their face so it didn't really matter. Kaipo used a burst of energy to catch up to Pacifica... but she was already so much ahead.

"Pacifica!!!" They called out to her. She ignored them. The ground began to get soft and Kaipo may have splashed into forming puddles, getting mud all over their legs. "Please! Just talk to me!!!"

She turned a corner, so they turned that corner. She ducked a branch, they ran around the tree. A person was passed up, Pacifica having bumped into them and Kaipo apologizing to them on her behalf, then the chase continued.

The whole time, Pacifica was holding that grudge, trying to run faster to get away each time she heard them call out for her. It hurt, but if they were just going to keep secrets, then splitting off was probably the better solution.

But Kaipo was getting desperate. They started looking for small shortcuts to keep up with her: cutting the grass, hopping a bench, slinging themself off of trees. "PACI-" They shouted again as she came into view, but suddenly Kaipo stepped incorrectly on some slippery rocks and came crashing down into the mud. They were instantly covered, and instantly in pain; their chin and knees were practically on fire. Kaipo cried out, gently touching their chin. It burned. It hurt so much. Everything hurt so much! And worst of all, they were alone. Their breathing quicken, and they sniffled, but eventually just let go and bawled their eyes out.

They were alone. They were wet. They were in pain, both physically and emotionally. What was wrong with them. "I'm sorry!" They sobbed to themself, "I'm so sorry-" as though to console themself.

A few people passed by, some scared to stop. Eventually, one woman did stop and ask what was wrong, if they needed help. Kaipo sniffled, trying to assure her they were fine. The woman helped them up and walked them over to a bench to rest, gently giving them kind words and reassurance. And it actually helped a little, Kaipo thanking them, until they saw a worried Pacifica making her way back, running towards them.

"Are you two together?" The woman asked as Pacifica approached.

She leaned on her knees, holding up a finger to the woman as she caught her breath. "Yeah... scram."

The woman scoffed, but did just that. Of course, only after waving good bye to Kaipo. They gave a small smile and waved back, but it disappeared when they looked back at Pacifica's worried expression. "..."

"What the hell Kaipo! I thought you were still behind me!" She spoke after a moment. "The fuck happened! Did you get lost?!"

... unbelievable. Did she not see their disheveled state? Kaipo pulled down their hood to reveal their very red chin. "What does it matter. You just kept running."

She gasped. Pacifica definitely didn't realize how fucked up they looked. She sat down and her hands hovered over their face, careful not to hurt them. "Fucking hell..." She whispered. "Kaipo I..." A sigh, "I'm sorry. I didn't realize you fell. I would have stopped if I knew-"

"No you wouldn't have."

She froze. "What?"

There were the tears again, swelling up in Kaipo's face. She heard them sniffle as they wiped at their eyes. "You wouldn't have cared. You could have kept running. You would've stayed mad at me. I didn't..." they sniffled again, "I don't matter anyways. I would have held you back. I always do."

"Kaipo..." Hearing those words, it was like the image of her friend had completely shattered. She couldn't quite process what was dropped, but slowly and surely the picture became clear:

Her own best friend felt inadequate. "I... I care Kaipo," she said. "You don't. You don't hold me back. And I wasn't-" she was going to say mad, but in reality she was mad; upset because she didn't know what was wrong. "I wouldn't have stayed mad. You're my best friend; you always matter."

Kaipo began shaking their head, tears pouring. It was so hard to finally admit this. "No, I'm not anyone important. I stick to you like a codependent animal. Or like, how I'm a burden to my aunt and uncle. I can't do things for myself, so I always need someone. I'm hardly my own person, Pacifica. I'm nothing!" They sobbed.

Immediately, Pacifica pulled them into her arms and hugged them tight. "Stop," her voice wavered. "Stop. You matter. You matter Kaipo- I'm... I'm so fucking sorry." A fresh wave of sobs hit Kaipo and they cried into her shoulder. Pacifica tried hard to fight back her own tears.

How could she have been so oblivious. Why didn't she try harder. Or maybe, maybe she was doing it wrong? Her friend was hurting and here she was getting mad at them! What more was she supposed to do! "I'm so sorry..." She whispered into their shoulder. Their shoulders bounced lightly, and they spent the next few minutes like this, letting Kaipo cry until their breathing calmed and all the tears stopped pouring. The two were still soaked in the rain, but it didn't matter to them, nor did they notice when it finally stopped.

When Kaipo pulled back, they gently stroked their chin again and kept their eyes down, not sure of what to say.

Yet neither did Pacifica. They sat in silence for another moment until the sogginess became unbearable. Pacifica looked up over at the path of where the race was supposed to be- no runner in sight now- then looked back to Kaipo and said, "Do you wanna go back home?"

Kaipo didn't move. "...yeah," they whispered.

Without another word, Pacifica stood up and carefully helped Kaipo up, being support for them as the two walked back in the direction of the starting line. She called for Verity to ask if she could come get them, and they stayed in silence for the whole time. And Kaipo was just so tired; their eyes were tired. The two sat together in the back and they fell asleep on Pacifica, as she gently stroked them. "You aren't nothing..." she thought to herself. "You're everything."

#my writing #oc chat #pacifica vazquez #kaipo makana #this is the fandomless version of them #i'll tell you what meme #oc art

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pbandjesse · 5 years

Text

So i might be mildly allergic to hazel nuts?? I had a chocolate bar with hazelnut in it and my face and chest got really itchy and splotchy and hot and red. It was kind of scary. I went to the bathroom and wash my face. I got a paper towel and just kind of held cold water on myself for a while. But nothing was helping. So I kind of went over to Tiffany and was just like help?. And she went totally mom mode on me. Which is exactly what I needed in that moment. And thankfully everyone in the room was very concerned. I don't know why I was so anxious just to ask if anyone had a Benadryl but thankfully someone did and I took that and felt better. But now I guess I got to watch out for hazelnuts?

The rest of the day wasn't nearly as interesting. I mean it was still a good day but nothing terribly exciting happened. I slept okay and woke up early. I got dressed and left here around 8:15. I went over to CVS to pick up needle and thread and then went over to Dunkin Donuts for breakfast. The bus is supposed to come at 9:05. The bus actually came at 9:35. So another day where I waited almost 40 minutes for the bus. And that was after sitting in Dunkin' donuts and eating my bagel for 15 minutes. So I was not terribly pleased.

But because I was excited about winning some money last night I bought munchkins for everyone and no one cared that I was late. We were just working on lesson plans. But I got to tell everyone what happened and they were all very excited for me and it's cool being able to talk about some of the stuff went went down when I lived in Minneapolis. And then it was just a good working morning.

I wasn't in the mindset to be typing yet. So I spent a little time drawing my dumb Furby tattoo idea. It's not dumb! I don't like that I've been feeling self-conscious about my hobbies lately. I'm trying not to use negative language to associate with them. I'm actually very excited about my little drawing. The idea is that it's patches the clock Furby. And because her screen doesn't work anymore my idea is to have the screen display the word love in digital font. Because love is stored in the Furby. So I think I'm going to get two tattoos in the fall. They're both going to be small but I'm excited about them. My arm tattoo is been feeling kind of like it's missing pieces lately. It'll be nice to have more filling on the half sleeve.

I finished my lesson plan mostly. I want to go over it a little bit more tomorrow just to make sure everything is okay and everyone understands what I'm hoping for in the project. I also finished all of my power points I wanted to make. And got some laughs out of Marcus because on the what we expect for you PowerPoint we created I specifically looked for pictures and clipart of teachers at chalkboards. I found a white lady that had brown hair. And I specifically search for a black man. So that we would have representation on the board of us. And he thought that was so funny. Actually made him laugh a few times today. The other time was when he told me he didn't want to eat any more munchkins because he was trying to look good for the beach. Get his body back in shape. And I told him that the beach is going to get whatever kind of body I bring it, just complete deadpan.

At lunch time we convince Marshall to buy us all food. Me and the other Jessica we're having a dance off and it was all very silly and there was a good time. We walked over to the Chinese place. Then some people broke off to go get Subway. And others to get pizza. It was fun being out with everyone.

We all got back and we ate and then it was to work again. I spent pretty much the rest of the afternoon working on my example quilt square. It's basically a miniature crazy quilt representing what they're larger crazy quilt might look like. First I found pieces I like and I cut them into squares. I sew them together. And then I took all of that and cut it up into pieces. And then I sewed it together again. I'm very pleased. Because there's triangles and squares and rectangles and I think it looks really neat. Once I feel like all of its own together well enough I'm going to go back in and bead some and paint some and embroider an applique some. So that the kids can hold it and kind of have a better idea of what I'm hoping that their quilt will look like.

I stayed for a while. My allergic reaction happen during that time too. But I still got a lot done. I didn't finish showing it. I'm going to have to do that tomorrow but I pinned everything up at least for what I didn't so. We didn't have any straight pain so I had to use an entire pack of sewing needles but that's okay. I've done worse.

We finished up at 3. I cleaned up and then fitsum took me home. I was overheated outside. The humidity and rain this week has been Wild. It just feels very heavy when you're outside. As soon as I leave the safety of the box fan. That's terrible. So when I got here I was kind of uncomfortable. But I got cleaned up and put some stuff away. There was going to be a showing at my apartment at 5 and I did not want to be here. So at 4:30 I left.

I walk to the health food store to pick up new soap and some vegetarian beef jerky. I had a nice conversation about Alexander Calder with the guy at the counter. And then I went to Chipotle for nachos. I was upset when I left you pull it though because I was open the door some idiot on a scooter was right at 5 and I almost hit her with the door. She should not have been on the sidewalk and she specifically should have been that close to the door! I could have really hurt her. So I was a little frazzled when I got back to James.

But I got there and cooled off. I took a shower. And then I worked on Hemming / resizing the jumpsuit that I bought like a month ago. Finally figured out how to take in the legs and the crotch area because it just was a mess. Took me about an hour and a half total to pin, cut, and sew it. But once I did I was very happy. It looks really good now. Not work appropriate but I'm very excited to have it anyway. I did use an entire spool of thread today though. It was a little spool but still.

I laid in bed and watched videos. James got back around 6:30. He took a shower and then he made us Falafel for dinner. He made whipped garlic. Which I can still taste even though I brush my teeth twice. But it was really good and then we just hung out for a while.

I came home around 9. I took another shower. Just to rinse off. And I've just been hanging out with CP since then. I took all of the charms off of my charm bracelet and put them on a necklace. I think that I'm more likely to wear it right now that way. And I think I'm going to get ready to go to sleep now. I feel very tired. Tomorrow's our last lesson plan day as a group. It's been a really nice day though. A really nice week. I hope you all sleep great tonight. Be safe out there. Have fun

#ootd #work #art #tired #in progress #sky #clouds #drawing #thursday

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justherefortaylorswift · 6 years

Text

there’s glitter on the floor after the party...

Taylor,

*About 9 days ago, on May 22nd, 2018, I had just arrived home from your Seattle show at CenturyLink Field. It was 4am and I couldn’t sleep. I had so much on my mind and was still on a high from your show. So, in the early hours of the morning, after my friends had long gone to bed, I began to write. I’ve revised my original note quite a bit since then. I’ve also had the opportunity to do some additional reflecting since tour, and I have some thoughts. So, I guess this is the end-result of a mash-up of 4AM overly-emotional rambling, combined with well thought-out, fully coherent, mature writing. I feel like I really over-explained this. I could have been a lot less-awkward in setting this up. Let's just get into it:

[SO. I just got home from your Seattle show. It's 4 am and I can't sleep. This was my 6th tour, and I made what seems like an infinite amount of unforgettable memories with a group of incredible people I call my ‘Swiftie Fam” (the name needs work...). There's Cecil (my long-time, Canadian Swiftie friend, you’ll see him in earlier posts), Wanda (Cecil’s wife), Kaeden (7. Cecil & Wanda’s son. Major Swiftie. His first concert!), and finally the beautiful Maile (a recent addition to the fam, and now a life-long friend!). It’s hard to explain in words, but we all have developed a connection that’s special and unique because of what we experienced together. I couldn’t have asked for a better group of people to stand by my side tonight. We danced, laughed, and cried together… I don’t think I’ve ever felt more understood. These people ‘get’ me.

Not surprisingly, I screamed every single lyric at the top of my lungs and subsequently lost my voice almost IMMEDATIELY. With that in mind, I suppose a more accurate description would be: I wasn’t so much singing, as I was gasping for the remainder of the show. I literally danced with until I was out of breath. I cried (ok, SOBBED) all of my make-up off (a Long Live/NYD mash-up… are you kidding me?! I FEEL ATTACKED).

By the end of the night, I resembled a pathetic, overly-emotional, glittery, drowned rat.

and I was living my absolute best life.

Also, I was REALLY proud of our outfits this time around! I think we did a decent job of recreating your Direct TV commercial, with my rainbow two-piece, and Cecil’s interpretation of Olivia Benson dressed as a Caticorn (I can’t say I ever thought I’d use that in a sentence). It consisted of around 8-10 hours total of gluing, painting, and hand-sewing, leading up to the show. Everything turned out awesome, way better than expected. Totally worth the man hours! Wanda hand-made matching these adorable matching t-shirts for her and little Kaden (Big Rep & Little Rep), and Maile constructed a beautiful MASTERPIECE from the mountain LYWMMD outfit- it was freakin’ incredible and HOT!

There was something a bit different about this tour for a couple of reasons:

[The production.] I don’t think I’ve experienced such sensory-overload in my LIFE. The whole time it was like a constant stream of frantic, internal dialogue with a lot of run-on sentences, like, “WHAT IS HAPPENING SHE’S GIVING US CHOREO OMG YAAASSS WERK HONEY IF A MAN TALKS SHIT WE DON'T OWE HIM A DAMN THING OH MY GOD ITS RAINING CONFETTI I MUST COLLECT IT I HOPE THESE MULTI-COLORED FLASHING LIGHTS DON’T GIVE ME AN EPILEPTIC ATTACK WHERE THE F-CK DID THESE GIGANTIC SNAKES COME FROM THERE ARE LITERALLY STAGES EVERYWHERE I’M OVERWHELMED OH SHIT SHES PULLING A SPEAK NOW BY WALKING THROUGH THE CROWD WHAT'S GOING ON OH GOD F-CKING FIREWORKS THESE VOCALS ARE LIT THO I'M SWEATING I’M DEFINITELY GONNA NEED THERAPY AFTER THIS NEW YEARS DAY/LONG LIVE MASH UP IS THAT A FOUNTAIN WHATS HAPPENING OH GOD IT’S REAL WATER AND SHE’S IN THE FOUNTAIN I’M HAVING A 2008 SHOULD’VE SAID NO ACM AWARDS FLASHBACK MOMENT HOLY SH-T MORE F-CKING FIREWORKS SO MUCH PYRO IS THIS EVEN LEGAL” I’ve gotta say, you have BEST band (Paul, Amos and Mike..OGS), vocalists (Eliott and Kamilah…the TALENT), and all the dancers. Every single person on that stage was on FIRE, and their talent, passion, and individual personalities made the night sparkle.

[The fans.] I freaking adore this fan culture. I’ve never met a Swiftie who wasn’t ridiculously friendly, welcoming, and super relatable. The vibe was so positive. I’ve never smiled, waved and taken pictures with so many random strangers in my life. It felt as if we were literally in a different world that day. It felt like home.

[YOU!.] We need to talk about this major GLO UP you’ve got going on, honey. You exude SO much confidence and you're just pure sunshine. When I think about the way you’ve carried yourself these past couple of years through all of the BS drama, I can’t help but feel damn proud. You’ve successfully converted pain into art, into music. Real music, that’s poignant, raw, and just BAD ASS. Your lyrics continue to foster a special connection you maintain with the audience...a connection that often times breathes life into brokenness.

I felt like the luckiest girl in the entire world tonight.

This may have been my best concert experience ever, which is actually pretty ironic because:

Unlike Red, I wasn’t in the Pit

I didn’t have VIP seating, like 1989

You weren’t close enough for any potential high fives, waves, or eye contact like I experienced at Speak Now at B-Stage

We were not chosen for Rep Room (or T-Party, Club Red, or Loft 89)

…But, it was OK. It was way more than OK. It was truly a dream.

Listen: Something I've always deeply admired about you is that you make it a priority to maintain a personal relationship with the fans. It’s clear you want to meet as many of us as possible, and you make a conscious effort to do so. You get to know us as individuals and you CARE, and that means everything us and makes such an impact. I mean, you invite us into your HOME for crying out loud, you walk through massive crowds and give high-fives, you lurk our Instagrams and Tumblrs and interact on social media, and you always make a notable effort to meet as many of us as possible at tour.

However, this can sometimes turn into a bit of a "Catch 22" situation for people. The downside, is that it’s honestly SUPER easy to fall into the “trap” of being consumed with the possibility of meeting you after your shows. Due to the fact that the “selection” process is both intentional, yet also random. To be transparent, it's quite difficult to not obsess with the idea of ‘trying’ to get chosen. I witness this behavior so often, in others and in myself just as much, if not more. Selfishly, I often feel not only jealous, but UPSET when I see photos/read experiences of other fans meeting you. I sometimes feel like the only one who hasn’t yet gotten the opportunity. It can quickly turn into a mind-game if you're not careful, which has the potential to become toxic if we allow the idea of meeting you to rule supreme over what it's actually about...which is the MUSIC. And, this amazing show you put on for us night after night. And somewhat understandably so, I've witnessed the obsession with being chosen to meet you become a main focus point for a lot of us (including myself a bit!). It's pretty stressful, and can easily dampen or cheapen the concert experience, if you're not careful. As dramatic as this probably sounds, Tumblr (and social media) can be brutal within this fandom, and dare I say ‘cut-throat’ at times. It's easy to get upset watching (what seems like) literally EVERYONE get that opportunity, except you.

That said, I had a wake-up call/mini-epiphany recently, which manifested while driving home from your show at Midnight on May 22nd with my friends, feeling so amazing and so grateful for what I just experienced…but also a little guilty because I feel like I’ve spent way too much time worrying about the possibility of meeting at you when you come to Seattle, how to get the attention of Taylor Nation, where to find Mama Swift, getting that guitar pick from Papa Swift, and this time was no different. Granted, my intentions are 100% pure and it’s only because you’ve meant so freakin much to me for so many years, and it's almost as if my life won’t be complete until I finally get to tell you in person. That said, there is certainty a valuable lesson to be learned here. I am confident that you and I will come face-to-face one day (hopefully with my Swifie fam!). The stars will align at the exactly the right time, and I will have my moment with you, and it will be SO worth the wait. You can't "force" stuff like this, you know? The privilege of meeting you is almost ‘sacred’ in a sense. At least in my opinion. Anyway, my point is: I refuse to a continue to attempt to “create fate” by attempting to "earn" my worthiness in fandom. It’s not productive, it's not healthy, and it’s not cute.

Alright, this is getting out of hand. I need to wrap this up. 🤣 I’m not sure whether or not you’ve seen any of my throwback photo-posts I posted the week leading up to the show. They definitely explain a lot more about me, and my history being a fan. Either way, I must reiterate how grateful I am to have you in my life, and that support you 100% and will always be here. The amount of hope, joy and comfort you've given me over the past 10+ years is insurmountable, and I'll never be able to repay you for that. And I mean that in the most sincere way. Not a lot of things make me as happy as you make me (especially lately). This experience was the ‘boost’ I needed, I think. And like I said, the relationship I have with my friends/Swiftie Fam is invaluable, and I look forward to making memories with them at your shows in the future. You’ve brought the most random group of people together and created a bond that’s unique, unconditional and unbreakable, and I think that’s so cool.

This was A LOT longer than I originally intended it to be. This escalated quickly. Haha. Thanks for listening. 💗

Don’t read the last page…]

Love you, T

Crystal

@taylorswift

@taylornation

@ceunit

@maileswiftie

[photos]: 1) The whole crew: Cecil, Wanda, Kaeden, Maile and myself at our seats. 2) Kaeden the night before the show. SO EXCITED!! 3) Testing out the Caticorn onesie w/ Cecil 4) Cecil and myself FULLY DECKED and ready to go. 5) Wanda and Kaeden: Big Rep & Lil’ Rep! 6) the girls! Maile, Wanda and Me pre-show 7) Us at the end of the show! And yes, that’s me in the middle..in disbelief, exhausted, sweaty, and a physical and emotional wreck (see also: ‘drowned rat’ description above). 8) All of us after the show literally in a hotel lobby (and glitter on the floor after the party!), waiting for traffic to die down before we headed home.

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