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synonymroll648 · 2 years

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hi im bored and ik you're the sokeefitz person on tumblr so if you have anything to say about them please do (or just ignore this lol)

!!! being bestowed the title of the sokeefitz person on tumblr is an honor. thank you, your grace <333 anyway. i always have things to say about them. they have infected my brain and decayed my mind. but i'm going to specifically scream about a specific canon divergent route that is fascinating me and i would've loved to see. as long as it was written well, that is.

said au: keefe following sophie to go de-escalate fitz in the beginning of flashback, instead of staying back and saying sophie should go alone, and getting a head trauma injury that left him with low vision blindness. because the blind!keefe headcanons, from back when we only had the cover of legacy and people saw that keefe's eyes looked more clouded than usual and immediately went 'cataracts?? blind!keefe???' and went wild with ideas, are near and dear to my heart. (this is one of my fav lists of them.)

screaming about the au under the cut so people who don't wanna read don't have to scroll forever :)

disclaimer: i'm not blind, and i haven't thoroughly researched blindness, so if you have more experience than me one way or another and you're either like 'that's not how it works/that doesn't make sense' or 'ngl that's offensive to say and here's why' - lmk!! i'll go back and edit. i appreciate learning through constructive criticism, don't be shy /gen

so! it's been a while since i went through the blind!keefe tag, but the headcanon list i linked (that i have adopted and now headcanon too) seems to me to have described keefe's blindness to work the way low vision blindness does, from my skim research and readings. healthline did a good job of describing how low vision works (from an outsider's pov, lmk if this isn't accurate) in this article, along with other types of blindness in this article. to pull some quotes from there that i think fit the blindness this lovely person (nattie) headcanoned:

"...a person with low vision may be able to see not only light, but colors and shapes too. However, they may have trouble reading street signs, recognizing faces, or matching colors to each other.” "If you have low vision, your vision may be unclear or hazy.” "...your peripheral vision may be impaired on one or both sides."

to elaborate a little more on the last quote - in blind!keefe’s case, i headcanon his peripheral vision to just be straight up gone. this image (if the link is broken lmk) does a good job of illustrating what that would look like.

i haven’t thought about this au in enough detail yet to know what specific injury would damage his vision, but i know it would be from head trauma of some sort. and it would be inflicted from the neverseen, since this would happen in the same incident that sophie and fitz got hit with shadowflux. i originally thought his blindness would come from shadowflux, for the sake of narrative ties with sophie and fitz and tam and his character arc, but then i realized that having blindness inflicted by a fantasy substance with slippery and sentient nature would get way too complicated way too fast.

i’m honestly really tempted to write a fic about this. there’s just... so much to work with. so many questions, so many ideas.

how would keefe’s presence change sophie’s conversation with fitz before the neverseen showed up? would he make the situation more tense, like he predicted in canon, or would he help defuse the situation? would he crack more jokes for comedic relief, or would he be more on the vulnerable side to try and get fitz to soften and calm down more? would the neverseen be more hostile, more docile, or relatively the same with keefe added into the mix of their targets? would keefe bounce back faster, slower, or the same time as sophie and fitz? would we get more dadwin content and buildup for keefe staying at splendor plains in unlocked in this au? what aids would keefe use?

would keefe make up games to make their time in the healing center more bearable? what kind of games would they be? would keefe’s cot be in-between sophie and fitz’s, or to one of their sides - and if it’d be the latter, who? how long would it take the three of their cots to end up edge to edge instead of their original feet apart? what cute little moments would he have with sophie and fitz? would fitz hold medicine bottles and candies to his lips in a Totally Platonic way like he canonically did with sophie, since keefe would have a hard time seeing what he was doing? would sophie hold his hand all the time to help him get around foxfire and other places? would they acknowledge how the contact would put her heartbeat into hummingbird mode in classic sophie foster fashion in a teasing way, a genuinely questioning way, or not at all? would the three of them talk for ages about everything and nothing at all as nighttime donned? would keefe end up accidentally snuggling up to one of them in his sleep? would it happen just once, or would it become a habit? would he come to terms with it, or would it be something he fought? would there be an unbearable amount of romantic tension between them, or would they lapse into undiscussed comfort? would they get their shit together and talk about what they wanted out of their unique dynamic, or would they keep silent past the end of flashback?

once keefe got cleared for going back to shores of solace, would sophie give him vertina to help him pick out outfits and stuff? would that be detrimental to his fashion taste or help him broaden his horizons? would he play around with femininity? would we have more basis for our genderqueer keefe headcanons? how would keefe’s blindness affect the rest of the series? would keefe embrace his blindness, or the other way around? would keefe be more open with people, or more shut down than ever? would keefe be able to run away by himself to loamnore in legacy, and to the forbidden cities in unlocked? how would keefe’s contribution to physical fights change?

and uh. a lot more lmao. but yeah i have canon divergent blind!keefe brainrot, if you couldn’t tell lol

#kotlc #keeper of the lost cities #ask #appleflv #keefe sencen #sokeefitz #blind!keefe #canon divergent blind!keefe #<- that's gonna be my tag for this particular au if it gets brought up more #which i'm sure it will #also if cataracts are something you don't know about you can ask me for an article link #because i know a good one from a good medical source

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tarobytez · 3 years

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disability in the Six Of Crows Duology; an analysis of Kaz Brekker, Wylan Van Eck, and the fandom’s treatment of them.

****Note: I originally wrote this for a tiktok series, which im still going to do, but i wanted to post here as well bc tumblr is major contributor to what im going to talk about

CW: ableism, filicide, abuse

In the Six of Crows duology, Leigh Bardugo delicately subverts and melds harmful disability tropes into her narrative, unpacking them in a way that I, as a disabled person, found immensely refreshing and…. just brilliant.

But what did you all do with that? Well, you fucked it up. Instead of critically looking at the characters, y’all just chose to be ableist.

For the next few videos paragraphs im going to unpack disability theory (largely the stuff surrounding media, for obvious reasons) and how it relates to Six Of Crows and the characterization of Kaz Brekker and Wylan Van Eck, then how, despite their brilliant writing, y’all completely overlooked the actual text and continuously revert them to ableist cariactures.

Disclaimer: 1. Shocker - i am disabled. I have also extensively researched disability theory and am very active in the disabled community. Basically, I know my shit. 2. im going to be mad in these videos this analysis. Because the way y’all have been acting has been going on for a long ass time and im fuckin sick of it. I don’t give a shit about non-disabled feelings, die mad

Firstly, I’m going to discuss Kaz, his play on the stereotypical “mean cripple” trope and how Bardugo subverts it, his cane, and disabled rage. Then, I am going to discuss Wylan, the “inspiration porn” stereotype, caregivers / parents, and the social model of disability. Finally, I will then explain the problems in the fandom from my perspective as a disabled person, largely when it comes to wylan, bc yall cant leave that boy tf alone.

Kaz Brekker

Think of a character who uses a cane (obviously not Kaz). Now, are they evil, dubiously moral, or just an asshole in general? Because nearly example I can think of is: whether it be Lots’O from Toy Story, Lucius Malfoy, or even Scrooge and Mr.Gold from Once Upon A Time all have canes (the last two even having their canes appear less and less as they become better people)

The mean/evil cripple trope is far more common than you would think. Villains with different bodies are confined to the role of “evil”. To quote TV Tropes, who I think did a brilliant job on explaining it “The first is rooted in eugenics-based ideas linking disability or other physical deformities with a "natural" predisposition towards madness, criminality, vice, etc. The Rule of Symbolism is often at work here, since a "crippled" body can be used to represent a "crippled" soul — and indeed, a disabled villain is usually put in contrast to a morally upright and physically "perfect" hero. Whether consciously on the part of the writer or not, this can reinforce cultural ideas of disability making a person inherently inferior or negative, much in the same way the Sissy Villain or Depraved Homosexual trope associate sexual and gender nonconformity with evil. ”

Our introduction to Kaz affirms this notion of him being bad or morally bankrupt, with “Kaz Brekker didn’t need a reason”, etc. This mythologized version of himself, the “bastard of the barrel” actively fed into this misconception. But, as we the audience are privy to his inner thoughts, know that he is just a teenager like every other Crow. He is complex, his disability isn’t this tragic backstory, he just fell off a roof. It’s not his main motivation, nor does he curse revenge for making him a cripple - it is just another part of who he is.

His cane (though the shows version fills me with rage but-) is an extension of Kaz - he fights with it, but it has a purpose. Another common thing in media is for canes to be simply accessories, but while Kaz’ cane is fashionable, it has purpose.

The quote “There was no part of him that was not broken, that had not healed wrong and there was no part of him that was not stronger for having been broken.” is so fucking powerful. Kaz does not want nor need a cure - its said in Crooked Kingdom that his leg could most likely be healed, but he chooses not to. Abled-bodied people tend to dismiss this thought as Kaz being stubborn but it shows a reality of acceptance of his disability that is just, so refreshing.

In chapter 22 of SOC, we see disabled rage done right - when he is called a cripple by the Fjerdan inmate, Kaz is pissed - the important detail being that he is pissed at the Fjerdan, at society for ableism, not blaming it on being disabled or wishing he could be normal. He takes action, dislocating the asshole’s shoulder and proving to him, and to a lesser extent, himself, that he is just as capable as anyone else, not in spite of, but because he is disabled. And that is the point of Kaz, harking back to the line that “there was no part of him that was not stronger for having been broken”.

I cried on numerous occasions while reading the SOC duology, but the parts I highlighted in this section especially so. I, as many other disabled people do, have had a long and tumultuous relationship with our disability/es, and for many still struggle. But Kaz Brekker gave me an empowered disabled character who accepts themselves, and that means the world to me.

Keeping that in mind, I hope you can understand why it hurts so much to disabled people when you either erase Kaz’s disability (whether through cosplay or fanfiction), or portray him as a “broken boy uwu”, especially implying that he would want a cure. That flies in the face of canon and is inherently fucking ableist. (if u think im mad wait until the next section)

Next, we have Wylan.

Oh fucking boy.

I love Wylan so fucking much, and y’all just do not seem to understand his character? Like at all? Since this is disability-centric, I’m not going to discuss how the intersection of his queerness also contributes to these issues, but trust me when I say it’s a contributing factor to what i'm going to say.

Wylan, motherfucking Van Eck. If you ableist pricks don’t take ur fucking hands off him right now im going to fight you. I see Wylan as a subversion another, and in my opinion more insidious stereotype pf disabled people - inspiration porn.

Cara Liebowitz in a 2015 article on the blog The Body Is Not An Apology explains in greater detail how inspiration porn is impactful in real life, but media is a major contributing factor to this reality. The technical definition is “the portrayal of people with disabilities as inspirational solely or in part on the basis of their disability” - but that does not cover it fully.

Inspiration porn does lasting damage on the disabled community as it implies that disability is a negative that you need to “overcome” or “triumph” instead of something one can feel proud of. It exploits disabled people for the development of non-disabled people, and in media often the white male protagonist. Framing disability as inherently negative perpetuates ideals of eugenics and cures - see Autism $peaks’ “I Am Autism” ad. Inspiration porn is also incredibly patronizing as it implies that we cannot take care of ourselves, or do things like non-disabled people do. Because i stg some of you tend to think that we just sit around all day wishing we weren’t disabled.

Another important theory ideal that is necessary when thinking about Wylan is the experience of feeling like a burden simply for needing help or accommodations. This is especially true when it comes to familial relationships, and internalized ableism.

The rhetoric that Wylan’s father drilled into his head, that he is “defective”, “a mistake”, and “needs to be corrected”, that he (Jan) was “cursed with a moron for a child” is a long held belief that disabled people hear relentlessly. And while many see Van Eck’s attempted murder of Wylan as “preposturous” and overall something that you would never think happens today - filicide (a parent murdering their child) is more common than you would like to believe. Without even mentioning the countless and often unreported deaths of disabled people due to lack of / insufficient / neglectful medical care, in a study on children who died from the result of household abuse, 40 of 42 of them (95%) were diagnosed with disabilities. Van Eck is not some caricature of ableist ideals - he is a real reflection on how many people and family members view disability.

Circling back to how Wylan unpacks the inspiration porn trope - he is 3 dimensional, he is not only used to develop the other characters, he is just *chefs kiss* Leigh, imo, put so much love and care into the creation of Wylan and his story and character growth that is representative of a larger feeling in the disabled community.

That being said, what you non-disabled motherfuckers have done to him.

The “haha Wylan can’t read” jokes aren’t and were not funny. Y’all literally boiled down everything Wylan is to him being dyslexic. And it’s like,,,, the only thing you can say about him. You ignore every other part of him other than his disability, and then mock him for it. There’s so much you can say about Wylan - simping for Jesper, being band kid and playing the fuckin flute, literally anything else. But no, you just chose to mock his disability, excellent fucking job!

Next up on “ableds stfu” - infantilization! y’all are so fucking condescending to Wylan, and treat him like a fucking toddler. And while partly it is due to his sexuality i think a larger portion is him being disabled. Its in the same vein of people who think that Wylan and Jesper are romantically one sided, and that Jesper only kind of liked Wylan, despite the canon evidence of him loving Wylan just as much. You all view him as a “smol bean”, who needs protecting, and care, when Wylan is the opposite of that. He is a fucking demolitions expert who suggested waking up sleeping men to kill them - what about that says “uwu”. You are treating Wylan as a burden to Jesper and the other Crows when he is an immensely valuable, fully autonomous disabled person - you all just view him as damaged.

And before I get a comment saying that “uhhh Wylan isn’t real why do you care” while Wylan may not be real, how you all view him and treat him has real fucking impacts and informs how you treat people like me. If someone called me an “uwu baby boy” they’d get a fist square in the fucking jaw. Fiction informs how we perceive the world and y’all are making it super fucking clear how you see disabled people.

Finally, I wanted to talk about how the social model of disability is portrayed through Wylan. For those who are unaware, the social model of disability contrasts the medical model, that views the disability itself as the problem, that needs to be cured, whereas the social model essentially boils down to creating an accommodating society, where disability acceptance and pride is the goal. And we see this with Wylan - he is able to manage his father’s estate, with Jesper’s assistance to help him read documents. And this is not out of pity or charity, but an act of love. It is not portrayed as this almighty act for Jesper to play saviour, just a given, which is incredibly important to show, especially for someone who has been abused by family for his disability like Wylan, that he is accepted.

Yet, I still see people hold up Jesper on a pedestal for “putting up with” Wylan, as if loving a disabled person deserves a fucking pat on the back. It’s genuinely exhausting trying to engage with a work I love so much with a fandom that thinks so little of me and my community. It fucking shows.

Overall, Leigh Bardugo as a disabled person wrote two incredibly meticulous and empowered disabled characters, and due to either lack of reading comprehension, ableism, or a quirky mix of both, the fandom has ignored canon and the experiences of disabled people for…. shits and giggles i guess. And yes, there are issues with the Grishaverse and disability representation - while I haven’t finished them yet so I do not have an opinion on it, people have been discussing issues in the KOS duology with ableist ideals. This mini series was no way indicative of the entire disabled experience, nor does it represent my entire view on the representation as a whole. These things need to be met critically in our community, and talked about with disabled voices at the forefront. For example, the limited perspective we get of Wylan and Kaz being both white men, does not account for a large portion of the disabled community and the intersection of multiple identities.

All-in-all, Critique media, but do not forget to also critique fandom spaces. Alternatively, just shut the fuck up :)

happy fucking disability pride month, ig

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iayhifbigyakwiltbsywps · 3 years

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Fuckkk I had something really long written but my connection failed and now I can’t find it but this is important if you or someone you know has adhd and takes stimulant medications like methylphenidate. This will probably be weird because I wrote the original like 12 hours ago and I just got home so if the other one magically reappears then they will be really different.

Basically I wanted to make people aware that taking stimulant medications has the potential to do more harm than good. I have adhd and have drank concerta since the third grade and im currently in 11th. I have been noticing throughout the 2019-now time period that I really have lost all motivation and that I don’t really have interest in anything even getting up to eat. And I was like ‘well that’s not alright’ and so I did what every one does: I googled it. I asked google “can adhd medications cause brain damage and lessen motivation?” And honestly I was not really expecting an answer, kinda just hoping to see blankness and be relived that it was just something random I thought. Boy was I surprised.

I actually found this:

This is literally the answer I was too scared to find because a) it proved my suspicions correct and did kinda bring a different kind of relief in knowing I’m not just hysteric and b) this hit wayyy too close to home. The part in blue feels wayyy too familiar to me because all I do Is be on my bed on my phone most of tinge time and my parants keep getting concerned and like “go get a job, find a hobby, do something!” And I am honestly strangely alright with my situation, like I hate it but I still don’t try to change it because I can’t!

Forgot what else I could of said there on the fist draft, but onto the next peice of evidence!

This pretty much said that this meds were tested on rats and that the rats ended up losing all motivation to even react when they should be looking to escape a bad situation. That once the medication stops we no longer have drive to motivation.

This also states that the nucleus accumbens is the part of the brain that forms motivation into action and when you take these meds your actually risking it shrinking and leading to no motivational drive.

Also that there are other options if you are convinced you or your child needs help to lead a successful life then there are other options that are not stimulants!

I also found some videos but could only resurfaced one which I think is the most important: https://youtu.be/nif8TFPhjuI

This video basically talks about one of the beginning trails of adhd medications that ended up being a huge success after the recorded 14 months that this trial was conducted, but what most people who do their research probably don’t dig deep enough to check that after they took the pills away they came back 3 years later to see how they faired. Turns out that the my were actually worse and the adhd was too much or something. ( sorry I’m trying to remember what I wrote but I only slept like 10 minutes last night and it’s already 1am so my eyes are shutting)

I can’t remember much right nos but if I find the other articles or videos Ik re log or something.

Here are the links to the articles:

https://www.nytimes.com/roomfordebate/2012/06/09/fewer-prescriptions-for-adhd-less-drug-abuse/adhd-drugs-have-long-term-risks

https://www.leonardsax.com/stimulants.htm

There were more but I’m fighting To stay awake right now sorry.

Oh I just remembered something:

This is what happens when you give stimulants to a brain that is underdeveloped (brains aren’t yet developed until they are like 21) so if y’all need meds try taking non stimulants or else you’ll just cause growth problems for yourself

I really hope some people find this useful and that no one goes through what I am cuz it really kinda sucks and I hate it but I can’t do much to change it.

Also after hours trying to figure out a way to tell my mom I had finally told her and you know what she said? She said “if we take you of these meds will you promise to try to care about yourself more?” And like I didn’t say anything but sure mom I totally didn’t just work up the courage to try and tell you within the day I found this informants on when it would usually take me months to say things I think are important but yeah I totally need to try a bit more ugh!

Honestly I think it’s shit that I’m not even 18 yet and I already feel like all my fight has gone out of me. Like if it weren’t for my parents that actually care about me I would of let myself starve to death. And now there’s no way to thank them because I can barely move to get food much less show them my thanks. Mom dad I love you and I’m sorry my brain if fucked up.

Hi just a little edit here, I wanted to say that both articles are by the same person I just put the second one because the link didn’t work for me so I had to look for their actual page that was mentioned. But also I read further down on the second article and I saw there are more links to other related articles in the second link where this person wrote their actual research and citations

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asexualzoro · 4 years

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list of reasons i find Brook ridiculous

for brook’s birthday, ive decided to follow up my other two posts of this genre by dragging yet another idiot swordsman. i have everybrook open on my phone next to me. here we go

- first and foremost his most ridiculous crime is existing. as he’s already so ridiculous as a character, im going to talk only about things hes done

- i want to know, did Brook make a conscious effort to change his laugh to sound like his favorite song? how long did it take? what was the in between period like? what did his crew have to say about this? the rumbar pirates were big on playful teasing, did they let Brook live this down?

- ALTERNATIVELY: was brook’s laugh already like that? is that why bink’s sake is his favorite song? is that why it was York’s favorite-- oh we only made it two bullet points before i made myself sad

- relatedly i cannot make fun of anything Brook did in his backstory it will make me too sad. hes spared for now

- i DO want to say from a writing standpoint its so fucking ridiculous to me that he mentions twice being a convoy captain in the past and it never comes up again. oda?? why even bother to include something that cool if you weren't even going to do anything with it?? you could have said hes just always been a pirate but no. oda?? oda

- there was that bit where a bunch of people thought Brook was satan and addressed him as such (i think Satan-sama in the original, and the translation i read was like... Lord Satan or Lord Demon or something). not only did Brook never correct them, but he also ran with it and later used this case of mistaken identity as a reason to threaten to eat a man’s heart

- also both men and women were showing him their underwear in that bit. bi rights

- those satanists let Brook get kidnapped while saying they would try to summon him back. do you think they're still at it

- Brook is older than... basically every old man in the series. Garp, Whitebeard, Rayleigh... all of them. something about that is so weird to me and i cannot place why

- Brook has seen and can prove the existence of an afterlife in One Piece canon and its then never addressed again

- Brook missed so many huge events while being dead. im looking at a timeline rn and these include the obvious, like, roger’s execution and subsequent effect on in-world culture and society and whatever. but also things like the destruction of ohara (which was in his home sea), the founding of the world power known as the revolutionary army (which was about 20yrs ago), and the births of every other member of his crew. wack

- he seems to know about stuff related to the pirate king post time skip, and i wonder if thats because someone told him or he’s just playing along now. maybe he just thinks Luffy made up the term pirate king cuz it sounds cool and he wants to support his captain’s interests

- if he DID ask though, like, who did he ask? his managers? did he pull aside some fan asking for an autograph at a concert like “hey, you look like a knowledgable young lad, mind helping me out?”

- i would love to be there when someone takes the time to explain roger, the pirate king, raffle, the One Piece.... and Brook asks them “what is the One Piece?”.... and someone has to look him in the eye (...or not) and tell him “i don't know”

- Brook has technically died of fright (his soul left his body), like... at least once? it was luffy’s fault

- Brook was an urban legend on the florian triangle and i doubt he even knows that about himself

- when they're heading to fishmen island Brook gets all scared when they encounter a possible ghost ship and Usopp slaps him

- when captured by big mom he sleeps so godamn soundly and securely that he is harder to wake up than she is and this fact nearly gets a bunch of his crew killed

- Brook is the only character i can think of who has ever broken the fourth wall. he only did it once. maybe seeing the afterlife means he now knows hes in a manga. or maybe being isolated for 50 years just made his head be not screwed on right

- speaking of, there’s a bit in WCI at the wedding where Brook is decapitated. i don't know how it goes in the anime, but in the manga like... no one is shown to have decapitated him. his head just pops off. maybe he was just having fun

- also the bit where he rips the fake face off in wci. when someone calls him gross he cries

- there’s a bit in fishmen island where Brook is trying to ask Nami if he can see her panties (disgusting bastard) and he inadvertently protects her from being dehydrated by some guy they were fighting. except the panel setup reminds me a lot of / mimics ace protecting Luffy from Akainu, and it haunts me

- speaking of bits from fishmen island that haunt me, there's a page where it’s strongly implied Brook fucked a mermaid (maybe two). i will of course include the page here

- yeah. sorry.

- when Brook first meets the strawhats he invites himself inside because “it’s cold out!” but he later admits in punk hazard that he cant feel cold. he was just lying

- no one introduces himself to Brook except Luffy for the entirety of thriller bark

- half related, Franky cradles Brook in his arms / carries Brook around for like a full scene in thriller bark

- there's a link two second bit in film gold where the crew is just relaxing while they're planning for how they're going to get Zoro back and they're all shown eating burgers from pirate mcdonalds or whatever. and Brook is eating a burger and hes so messy that hes got burger on his forehead, and Franky is next to him just looking at him

- Brook also wears fake skin in that movie

- Brook has a running gag where he gets upset when things refuse to eat him and i was going to make a joke about it but im wondering if maybe hes just afraid of being left behind........ made myself sad again

- he cries when a dragon won't eat him tho

- Brook admits to reading monster hentai when talking to Sanji and Kin’emon and if i have to be burdened with knowing that so do you

- when hes trying to figure out the weakness of the zombies on thriller bark he overhears one ate a salted fish and lost its shadow and immediately assumes “oh, must have been the fish!” idiot man

- where does his sword cane go when hes not using it. it just appears. where does he store it

- there's a bit where the strawhats all use a combo attack at thriller bark and the first step is firing an electrically charged Brook in a slingshot through oars/oz. he ends up in a wall and no one ever pulls him out. i don't even think the manga shows how he got down

- enemies post time skip regularly assume Brook is dead when they manage to knock the crew out and it makes me wonder how popular of a rock star Brook actually was

- Brook goes on a mini rant to no one while they're descending to fisherman island where he wonders aloud how he sees without eyes and it makes me lose it

- this isn't Brook technically but Nekomamushi is based on a song Brook’s voice actor wrote about his cat.

- Brook literally doesn't have a brain. like i know we all know that but its so fucking funny. we make jokes about other strawhats only having one braincell or whatever but Brook straight up 100% just has a seashell where his brain is supposed to be

- why does he have rubber glove looking hands when hes haunting the castle at wano i fucking hate them

- relatedly, there’s a bit where Brook mentions he’s been, at kinemon’s interaction, sitting in a well for like... possibly days? is he okay

- honestly i love everything about Brook’s actions as a ghost in wano bc its so fucking funny but my FAVORITE fact is that Brook is in the wikipedia article about starving skeletons

im leaving you with that. appreciate ur local skeleton today

#brook #soul king brook #One Piece #my posts #ridiculous lists #zaria dont look #long post #this is like a condensed version of what its like to follow me pn twitter i think #i could probs add more but i wont

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faemytho · 4 years

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I’m not really in the hazbin hotel fandom ((I love the show don’t get me wrong I’m just not in the fandom)) but I kinda wanna see what you mean? Also I figure you’re still okay with people shipping him just either the fact that people ignore that canonical he is aroace sex repulsed or use it as a “oh we just have to fix him” trope (which fuck that trope)

Same asker that admitted to not really being in the hazbin hotel fandom but liking the show- thought it over and i actually don’t know how you could do Alstser (can’t spell bare with me) without having him as aroace sex repulsed without having him look barely anything like the original- maybe apart from that fic you made a while back

okay so, in regards to this post i made earlier about aroace romantic/sex repulsed alastor, that was a headcanon. (i said, and i quote, its canon bc i said so, but in reality ive fooled u all it was just a headcanon i even said so in the tags)

my headcanons aside, alastor IS canonically ace, as referenced by this tweet below (and hey, canon bi character!!! we love that!!)

there is also a footnote on the HH wiki that says alastor is aromantic as well, but the footnote links to a four hour stream video, and i do not actually have the patience to comb through it to see if that's true or not (or if it even came from the mouth of vivzie)

uh, yeah. here's the link to the stream, in case anyone wanted it/was curious.

canonicities aside, lets get one thing out of the way:

i am all for ignoring canon, using fandom to do whatever you want, ect ect, all power to the fans and whatnot, do what you want and be free because its fiction

which means, yes, i am 1000% okay with people shipping alastor with whoever they want! with angel, with charlie, with husk, with vaggie, with nifty, ect ect ect, i don't care, ship what you want, be free, live your best life.

my problem, though, is this: literally nobody in this fandom knows how to write an ace character. and when they do write him as "ace", its OFFENSIVE.

i cannot COUNT the amount of alastor fics ive read where he's supposedly written as asexual (and its usually even tagged in the fic tags, "asexual character"), then ends up sexually attracted to his given partner for that fic, and when they actually go to do the deed, alastor is infantilized to, well, hell and back. and by that, i mean a few things.

he either:

doesn't understand his sudden sexual attraction and/or sexual feelings

doesn't understand what's going on during the sex scene

doesn't know the proper terms for body parts and sexual processes

is HIGHLY feminized and is categorized as "submissive" while the partner becomes the "dominant" and continues on with the sex scene

not only is that fourth one misogynistic and homophobic (an entire other can of worms about how feminine sub/masculine dom in homosexual relationships enforces toxic heteronormativity, aka, the idea that one must "be the girl" and one must "be the man"), but all four of these together are aphobic when you realize, "hey, alastor is an ace character".

off my point a little bit, but ANY relationship (gay, straight, and/or otherwise) should not be using sub/dom as a model to follow - sub/dom is a BDSM kink thing; it should NOT be the normalized sex model for ANY relationship.

there's nothing wrong with kink! but doing BDSM wrong can severely hurt/mentally damage either partner if done incorrectly. normalizing it means that so many young people don't actually understand what sub/dom actually means, and even less the consequences if done wrong.

but back to my point: asexual people get infantilized. and we get infantilized often, because people think "oh, you're not interested in sex/you've never had sex, so you must not 1) know anything about it, 2) know anything about the real world and how nitty gritty it is to survive out here"

basically, ace people get treated like children. a lot.

here is a fantastic article that explains the rampant infantilization of both aro and ace people, and why it is aphobic to do that.

i highly recommend you all read the article, because it is fantastically well written and concise. here's my favorite paragraph:

"Society conditions us to believe that a lack of romantic or sexual attraction is a transitory period. This viewpoint assumes an inevitable progression from a nonsexual to sexual state of being that marks entry into adulthood. Similarly, engaging in romantic relationships is recognized as a milestone of maturity. This stereotyping results in the infantilization of all aromantic and asexual spectra people, especially those who are entirely romance and/or sex-averse. It also incorrectly characterizes asexual people as sex-negative, even though personal sex-aversion and general sex positivity are not mutually exclusive. Moreover, the idea of “being ready” to progress from friendships to romantic and sexual relations undermines the value of platonic relationships, which are integral to our community."

i'm going to move on to one more point, because i know if i don't, i'll get SO many alastor allo-pologist authors whining and screaming about how ace people can have sex too

and yes, here's the thing: asexual people can have sex, can want to have sex, can be sex positive... but that doesn't change the fact that to be not-asexual (or allosexual, if you'd like to use proper terms), you have to be sexually attracted or experience sexual attraction - WHICH IS NOT THE SAME THING AS HAVING A LIBIDO, AND ITS NOT SOMETHING ACE PEOPLE CAN DO/HAVE.

what ace people can have:

a libido

sex

sexual arousal

sex drive

kinks

a partner they're not necessarily sexually attracted to, but trust to have sex with them anyways

what ace people can't have (unless they're not actually ace and are instead allosexual):

sexual attraction to someone

wanting to have sex with a specific person because of this attraction (a partner, celebrity, people they find explicitly attractive)

still confused? don't be!

here's a post where i better explain the difference between sexual attraction vs sexual drive and what that means for ace people

to close this out, im going to attempt to summarize why im so pissed about this.

alastor is canonically asexual.

he may be sex negative, sex neutral, or sex positive; we don't know, but this is fandom and we're allowed to headcanon him however we wish - we can even headcanon him as not asexual!

which is great, yea, but when the ace character is the fan favorite...

people constantly and consistently write alastor as "ace".

which would be GREAT! if they ever did it correctly.

here's what i see most often. instead of headcanoning him as not asexual, they've heard something about how ace people can have sex anyways!

so for woke points, they slap their alastor ship/sex fics with the "asexual character" tag, and write alastor in one of two ways

uwu baby "ive never said a bad word in my life and i dont understand how the world works" asexual

allosexual, but call him ace anyways

both of those are aphobic. i have yet to come across ONE fic where alastor's asexuality (negative, neutral, or positive) is written, and labeled, CORRECTLY.

you know, it actually hurts MORE when he's written as "ace (actually allo)" than it does if people just headcanon him as not asexual.

alastor is a successful serial killer. he has spent decades in hell.

ALASTOR IS A SUCCESSFUL SERIAL KILLER. HE HAS SPENT DECADES IN HELL.

and you cowards are going to write him as inexperienced, ""innocent"", sexually uneducated?? i think the fuck NOT.

NOT ONLY THAT.

alastor lived through the roaring 20s. the flapper movement. the harlem renaissance. AND the sexual revolution of the 1920s. HE LIVED THROUGH ALL OF THAT. and you're going to act like he doesn't know what sex is?? we even KNOW he lived through all that because he says it himself, "i havent been that entertained since the stock market crash of 1929", and 1929 was the end of all those movements and the beginning of the great depression - and then alastor died in 1933 after living a successful serial killer life in louisiana.

tell me again, why wouldn't alastor know what sex is or how it works? and if you can't, THEN STOP WRITING HIM LIKE THAT.

please please PLEASE educate yourself before you write an asexual character. ESPECIALLY if you're going to write them with a libido, and actually ACTING on that libido.

thank you.

sincerely, an exhausted sex positive asexual.

#hazbin hotel #alastor hazbin hotel #alastor the radio demon #the radio demon #hazbin alastor #i am at my limit #asexual #asexuality #fae rants

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morrigan-sims · 3 years

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I am so sorry to hear about your losing files- been there & it's the WORST. Lol. I know you may not look at it this way, but. Maybe it's a good thing; you get to completely start fresh & cleean!! It may be just me, but I love starting over w/ things. It's probably just my love for that feeling of learning & obsessing over something new. But that could very well be my anhedonia kicking in, though. either way, im so sorry you had to go thru tht- do please let us know of anything we can do to help

Aww, thank you for the ask and the love. As to wether or not it's a good thing, I'd say not. If only because I lost the tray files of my characters for my story... Which means I have to remake them from scratch. I made one attempt with Emery (the redhead in the top left of this post) and they did NOT turn out half as good. (ofc, that's partly because I was and still am missing one of their presets and some of their skin details.)

To answer your second ask: 1) I got it from Best Buy (idk where you are in the world and if that store is available to you, but yeah.) They were also able to install it for me (and save my *ss after I messed up transferring files) through their "geek squad", which was great. As for what's good, I'm no expert, but the first step is looking up and seeing what size SSD your laptop/PC uses. The two I'm familiar-ish with are M.2 and 2.5", but there's a few other sizes and types as well. From what I know, the M.2 is faster, but also a but more expensive. I originally planned to install an M.2, but my laptop already has an M.2, so I instead filled the empty 2.5" SSD slot. So, yeah, first things first, do a search! See what your computer can take! (that way you won't buy something just to realize, shit it doesn't fit.) As for size wise, I would recommend buying either a 1 or 2 TB (a terabyte is 1,000 gigs), since most computers come with a 256 or 500 GB to start. Ofc, a 2TB is going to be more expensive than a 1TB. My 2TB M.2 (that wound up getting swapped...) was almost $300(usd). So, again, do some research, and see what's in your price range.

2) As for not-messing-up, I'm no expert in that (clearly), but I DO know that how I messed up in the first place was trying to automate the process. So, I'd recommend (for regular files like pictures, screenshots, etc.) that you just cut or copy and past them. As for moving video games, I used the Steam Mover program linked at the end of THIS article to move my Steam Games, and the section of my TS4 game located in Program Files. (so, the bin folder, etc.) I recommend trying the other options they listed first (for steam and origin), but steam was giving me an error message, so I used the Steam Mover and all works fine!

I'm sorry for talking (or typing???) your ear off, but I hope I can be of some help? If you have any other questions (about ANYTHING), just lmk! And don't worry about the 2 part ask. It's not hard for me to answer, and I'm happy to see someone interacting with my blog, even if it's over the tragic loss of my sims, lol.

#ask #thanks for the ask!#Ask Morrigan #anon #anonymous

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artificialac1d · 4 years

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aswhoa there big ol spirit phone post whoaaaaa. (I WAS ORIGINALLY DOING ALL OF THE ALBUMS BUT THAT WOULD BE TOO LONG SO I’LL DO INDIVIDUAL POSTS FOR THE ALBUMS) (NOT INCLUDING MASHUPS SORRY :[)

alright lets go sorry if theres spelling mistakes i am tired and my keyboard hates me ;[ spirit phone - ok so VERY COOL the first half i feel is supernatural and the second half is more like.... a comment on capitalism?? yeah,, idk either thats what most people say lol. thanks neil!! lifetime achievement award (ebiccc). very long (ab 6 minutes) BUT the length is worth it!! the lyrics are jammin not to mention the instrumental!! the singing is very chefs kiss let alone the effects on the singing!! very cool song. touch tone telephone!! (ttt) so ttt is VERY jammin but its a little overrated. I GET WHY, but it is definitely not the best song made by lemon demon. well i guess thats mostly up to interpretation, but its not the best. the message is cool!!! conspiracy theorist going fucking batshit crazy?? hell yeah!! cabinet man (😳) how the fuc did this man get in cabinet???? hfgbrfj.. ANYWAYS the beep boop instrumental is one of THE BEST on the album next to the very epic instrumental of as your father i expressly forbid it. anyways, the lyrics and beat are v nice v satisfying!! i love singing this song like, only third to as your father and soft fuzzy man!! singing is hard :[ no eyed girl (where are her eyes???) neil is a monster/alien fucker and you cannot change my mind. no eyed girl is one of my favorite songs!! i mean all of the lemon demon songs are one of my favorite songs but... um,, ANYWAYS. imagine being some guy who just like, made the world get destroyed bc you were horny over an alien. when he died (holy fuck what is up with this dude) the amount of mysteries that are brought up in thius song is AMAZING. when i listen to lemon demon on alexa the only albums i have access to are nature tapes and spirit phone (because i use spotify and not apple music) and i hear this all the time!! its ALWAYS a good time very bangin very jammin 20/10 sweet bod (aha 😳 what do you mean im eating a dead body) neil?? are you sure it isnt sexual??? super synthy and cool!! the funk never ends!!! funky town!! never go down!! (im sorry) the idea of drinking dead bodies to cure cancer though not very cash money. wowie zowie capitalism!! the lyrics make me uncomfortable if im listening to it with someone else BUT if im alone i will scream sing this song eighth wonder!! (goofy mongoose ends humanity) i heard like in the commentary that neil was proud of this song and honestly, i dont blame him. VERY jammin. i keep saying jammin but i dont have synonyms. i havent read that news article about gef but i should sometime!! the way the song just is is just mwah ancient aliens!! (caveman go aaaaa) i dont have much to say about this one because it isnt my favorite. NOT because it doesnt jam hard but its just not as good as other ones. man i am mostly just praising neil. this is fun to sing!! instrumental is VERY cool bery epic,,, soft fuzzy man (hhhottie 😳) this is my FAVORITEEEEE i can say SO much about this song on how it JAMS. the little beep boop after the first part is GREAT I LOVE IT. the chorus lives rent free in my brain. singing this is the best source of serotonin !!! ahhh the lyrics and the message!! very cool!! i love that neil made this song as a comment on dudes who think being mysterious is cool (yucfky ew) one lyric taken out of context makes me feel weird but like idk i just link it with something not great (once you go hazy you’ll understand i’m your soft fuzzy man sounds like he roofied someone) BUT i can ignore that because that wasnt the intention of the lyric!! very ebic songgg. as your father i expressly forbid it!! (neils my dad???) whoa,, neil scrEAM,,,, honestly i cant stop thinking of neil’s daughter while listening to this (sorry) but umm THE INSTRUMENTAL IS THE B EST!! the little beeop boop>?>?? YES i love it sorry about like not being able to get ideas across my brain is old computer stalling noise rn i earn my life (he damn earned it) this is my moms favorite!! (yeah she likes it too surprisingly!!) this song is really nice,, verry cool little instrumental bits!! awesome!! singing it is a 10/10 experience!!! reaganomics!! (baby, baby. YEAHHHHHH) whoa!!! ronald reagan?? and he wants to take you for a ride?? anyways, whoa!! instrumental!! i can tell that neil puts a lot of effort into his songs because ALL of the main tracks are bangers. man-made object (shit i caught insomnia from looking at the moon😔) SO big ol giant tower towering over everything!!! i kinda have a bad experience with this song because when i drew fanart for it my friend misconstrued the tie i drew with... a sexual organ. (hes fucked up) does NOT mean the song is bad but i get reminded of that whenever i listen to it. very COOL SONG!! YES!! build that giant skyscraper girl you go spiral of ants (im im caught in the spiral of ants girl) whoa last song... ON THE MAIN TRACK AHAHA!! just kidding i cant do the bonus tracks. ANYWAYS whoa!! a tornado of ants? count me in! the lyrics are very epic!! and fun to sing except for the AND WE BECAME A HURRICANE because its a high note and i suck at high notes 😔i did it once but i cant anymore 😔😔this sounds very nice i love it!! if you read this all the way,, fucking,,,, thANKS because this is hella long im sorry i hope you liked my opinions bye!! <3 i’ll be doing more album stuff in the future (possibly even tonight because i have nothing to do with my life.

#lemon demon #neil cicierega #:]

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hargroves-angel · 4 years

Text

Time Warp - Chapter One - A Small Town With A Big Secret

Summary - Hawkins really is a small town with a big secret ... More than one big secret.

Warnings - GIF below contains small flashes of light (it’s lightning, so be careful!) Whole series will contain - Smut / Fluff / Angst

A/N - My new series Time Warp, this is not going to be my OC series as im still working on that currently but I will get that out sometime!! 🥰 this ones a long one so I hope you’re all ready and you enjoy chapter 1 hehe xx 👏

You slumped your shoulders and fiddled with your pencil, the test paper lay blank in front of you.

‘Think Y/N! Think!’ You stared at the sheet, hoping that somehow the answers would just magically appear.

“2 minutes left” Mr Holloway grumbled, his voice breathy and scratchy.

‘So much for studying last night’ you rolled your eyes and glanced one last time at the paper. It was no use. You were totally and utterly fucked. Great.

The bell rang, sounding out the end of the school day. Hastily you slipped the paper into your bag in hopes of escaping quick without having to hand anything in.

“Hand them in one by one please” he yelled over the ringing bell. ‘Shit’ you mentally cursed, handing the blank paper in and speeding out of the classroom.

You had one place to be and that was Caseys house. You gathered up your books from your locker and headed to her car. An old 1980s camaro, she’d bought the old thing from a rundown garage in the town square, no idea who the owner was or why they’d leave, in her opinion, such a beautiful car.

She fixed it up and took it home. She was a car person... you just didn’t really see the point.

“Finally! We can work on this stupid project... I’m telling you the bitch has been on my case since this morning” she complained.

You got into her car, giggling about some gossip.

“So what exactly is this project?” You asked, flicking through caseys various cassettes.

“We have to do it on a ‘small thing with a hidden secret’, ya know creepy shit like that... and since it’s me, well I had to pick Hawkins and our creepy conspiracy”

“Oh god not this again” you cringed, Casey was obsessed with this small town, and on top of all that she was obsessed with anything vintage, it was her aesthetic or whatever you called it. She didn’t even own a phone, claiming that, ‘communication is key’ and what not.

“Come on Y/N, lighten up, I have so much proof that there’s more to this small town then they tell us! No way in hell were those disappearances just coincidence!” She whispered, the last part.

“Why are you whispering?”

“Government duh, plus whilst you have that little death device in your hand do something useful with it and look up some of the original articles, it’ll help you understand what I’m talking about here” she turned into the street her house belonged and parked up.

“It says that there was a mass homicide in the star court in 1985 and a girl went missing at some point in 1983 or 84? And some boy? People go missing all the time, they probably just had some neighbourhood creep who took it to that extreme...”

“And the homicide...?”

“I don’t know, it’s doesn’t give any details-“

“Exactly my friend! A small town with a big secret!” She beamed, shoving herself into her bedroom and sitting at her desk. Newspaper articles and old photographs hung around the rooms, she sure as hell was obsessed with this.

“How many of Shanes conspiracies did you watch last night? Whatever, you know what would be great?” You perked up, reading through the articles on her walls. She raised her eyebrow. “If we just stuck to doing one of the basis items, like some old jewellery box or - Or California?!” you smirked as she huffed.

“Beeecauseee! We need to think outside the box! And as far as I’m aware California isn’t that small, plus what does it even have to offer anyway”

“Sunny beaches! And happy customers” you grinned, plucking the postcard from her desk and reading it out loud. “Remember how freaked out you got after reading the back?” You chuckled.

“It said your name on it Y/N of course I got freaked... sometimes it slips my mind that maybe more then one person in this world is called Y/N”

“Only the best people are called Y/N... Anyway! This project... so what do you need me to research?”

“Anything about the victims and the crime scenes, I’m gonna cover old newspaper articles and scope around that burnt down lab” She scribbled a quick note of what you had to do in her notebook and handed it to you. She was always so extra when it came to research.

“Got it, be careful by that lab by the way! But till then I shall see you later” You gave her a quick hug and then headed out the door to walk home, thank god she was only a few houses down.

The kitchen light was on, your dad was probably still working. You kicked your shoes off and stepped inside.

“Pizza again?” You mumbled, setting your bag down against the wall. He lay asleep against his laptop, empty coffee mug next to him. Your eyes glanced over at the picture of your mother next to him.

You missed her a lot...

He didn’t speak much anymore, he kept to himself and buried his head in his work.

“Goodnight dad” you whispered, closing his laptop and pushing him back against the chair, placing a blanket over his sleeping form.

‘Research time’ you thought, turning on your own laptop and starting up google.

You spent hours scrolling, even going to page 2 of google, the forbidden page as Casey called it.

Every website said the same thing, it was a problem with some manic killer who they never found.

Of course there wasn’t anything because it was just some crazy guy who they never found. You scrolled down one last time coming across one final website.

‘H4wk1ns L4b.com’ You huffed and clicked onto it, your phone buzzed, a message from Dominos popped up, usual 50% off deal. Your eyes flickered back to the screen, it loaded up a bunch of videos. Only dating up to 1990, which was when the Lab burnt down.

You looked for the year 1983, hoping something would show up.

It looked like camera footage, nothing much showed up, just an empty stairwell. Your mouse hovered over the extra tabs.

getting your pen you wrote down the website address.

“Footage, Information, Staff, Tests, IDT, attack- attacks?” You clicked on the tab and looked at the words on the screen.

“We are experiencing many problems with our recent discovery, what the fuck?” You took a picture of the words and write down the key info. “Attacks - Hawkins High?, when was there an attack at school? Hawkins Hospital? Star court mall? That place burned to the ground like 30 years ago...” you furrowed your eyebrows and took another picture. You clicked on the link referencing your school.

A knock rang through the walls of the house. You flinched, jumping at the sound. “Dad! The door!” You yelled. He didn’t make a noise, he was probably still asleep, you peaked at the time on the time on your phone, 2:30am, who was knocking at 2:30am, Casey?

You picked up the book, a weapon of some sort and crept downstairs.

“Dad?” He didn’t stir, you cursed and got closer to the door.

You opened it slightly, two men in suits stood.

“Umm, dad?!” You shouted louder.

“Unfortunately miss we need to talk to you about something” the first man spoke, his voice clear and deep. You slammed the door shut and locked it tight, grabbing your phone and dialling 911 fast.

But it wouldn’t turn on. Damn phone, you quickly grabbed a kitchen knife and looked for your dad, where was he.

“Dad! Dad THERES people! D-dad” your voice started breaking, fear and adrenaline starting to kick in, “dad- d-Dad where are you” the door slowly creaked open.

Quickly you dashed behind your couch and hid, phone clutched to your chest and knife, blade up in front of you.

Footsteps rang through the house.

Where the hell was your father, he was there earlier, had he gone drinking again?

The footsteps stopped, small whimpers and heavy breaths left your mouth as you tried to conceal them.

Praying to the high heavens that they weren’t gonna kill you.

Silence.

You collapsed to the floor. Some sort of shock coursed through your body and your eyes shut.

#billy hargrove imagine #billy hargrove fluff #billy hargrove fanfiction #billy hargrove fanfic #billy hargove #billy hargrove smut #billy hargrove x reader #stranger things 3 #stranger things 2 #stranger things x reader #stranger things #stranger things fanfiction #stranger things billy hargrove #billy hargrove series

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thearrowteam · 4 years

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so. im a system, and im very pro “alters are their own people” and i want to learn more about parts of a whole tho- and how the two ideas can co-exist? do you have any info on that?

Lmao I wrote a whole reply to this and then I deleted it. And feel really upset by it. I accidentally x-ed out of the wrong tab and yeah so I’m going to attempt to retype it out but I’m also lowkey pissed I deleted it. Also I’m on my computer and it wont let me add tags to asks so I do mention integration, I know this makes some people uncomfortable.

Okay so now that I did that, I just want to kick this whole thing off with I don’t know a whole lot about this topic specifically especially when it comes to the parts of a whole thing. Most of this is how I interpret it and how things work for us.

I’m going to start with the being your own people thing. I can acknowledge and accept that alters can have very distinct personality traits, opinions, fears, outlooks on life, appearances, genders, ages, and all of that. We all have our own memories and experiences that shaped who we are. I’m going to talk about my system cause honestly that’s all I’m qualified to talk about on this topic. I (Izabella) am a very different person than the host (Kinsey). I’m emotion, dramatic, petty, controlled by my paranoia and fear, I’m blunt at times, “edgy”, and I’m very opinionated. Kinsey on the other hand is calm, she’s good at keeping herself together, she’s fearless, sure she’s also a blunt person, her and I have a completely different sense of fashion and we have very different outlooks on life. I have a very different identity than Kinsey and this is due to the things and specifically the trauma that caused both of us to split. I’m here to keep us safe online while Kinsey is here because we didn’t want to be controlled by our fear anymore. I remember things that Kinsey would never believe happened and it’s shaped me into my own person who is very distinct and set in who I am. In that sense we are each our own people because we each have our own very important and distinct identities formed by our experiences.

For the parts of a whole thing there’s other blogs who have done a lot more research than I have on this topic that I’m not on the best terms with so I can’t link you to any of their posts. But there’s those resources out there if you wish to pursue them and look for them. I’ll just explain it from my understand and the quick research I just did on this topic so I don’t look like a complete fool (fun fact there’s a copy of the Haunted Self online and easy to access in Russian if you google theory of structural dissociation. Or at least I think it’s in Russian that’s what Google Translate told me it was.) (Also just a quick sidenote I think it’s really gross that all the research data on this topic costs a lot of money, and I think mental health information should be more easily accessible but that’s it’s own complaint and irrelevant).

Okay after going through google this was the only thing I could find with images that didn’t make me pay for it:

https://www.casa.org.au/assets/Documents/Dissociation-and-complex-trauma.pdf

I only skimmed because I’m in class right now. But anyways I think just learning about the theory of structural dissociation will help you understand the whole idea of parts of a whole. I’m not going to summarize the article because I don’t think that that’s relevant right now. Basically how I mentioned Kinsey and I. We’re very different but we’re also part of the same system, or team. Whenever I talk about us as a whole I’m going to refer to us as Arrow just because it makes things less complicated.

Anyways, I may be my own person but I am still part of Arrow, and so is Kinsey. I like to think of that one question about “If you replace all the parts of a boat over the course of years is it still the same boat that it originally was?” Which is a very loaded philosophy question that’s probably going to send me into another existential crisis if I decide to think on it too long. But it comes down to those are still parts of the same boat, they’ve just changed over time, they still make up that boat right. That’s kind of how I feel about us and Arrow. I am just one part of Arrow and sure I’m distinct and I have my own function but I’m still a part of this child and I’m still working with my headmates to keep Arrow safe and stable. Arrow is a person and I am in his head, I am a part of him. Arrow is the whole person and I’m a part of that whole person. And the rest of my headmates are too. We make up this one consistent identity that is Arrow.

For us just acknowledging that we’re parts of a whole has been really helpful for our healing. Personally we’re not into things like complete integration, we don’t know if that means we’ll never pursue it but we know that it’s not something we’re interested in right now. But just acknowledging that yes we’re a team and we’re all part of the same person has mad functioning and interacting in daily life a whole lot easier. It’s also helped us accept our more trauma heavy and aggressive parts (I’m not going to say persecutor because we have a whole stance on how tumblr treats persecutors and I don’t want to go into that right now), because we’re able to accept that yeah those messed up things that caused these parts to have those actions happened to us and we shouldn’t reject any part of ourself because that’s not healthy. It’s just allowed us to accept eachother as a team and alters and it’s been really helpful for system communication and trauma processing.

I kind of got off on a tangent and I’m sorry about this. Long story short for parts of a whole you all share a brain. All of us are in one brain. We are all one person just various dissociated parts of the said person. So sure we can be our own people with our own identities but we’re still dissociated parts of the same person.

Sorry this got long, I didn’t realize I was so passionate about this topic and how I felt about it. I appreciate everyone who took the time to actually read the whole thing. I guess I was more bored than I thought I was in class today.

Again I’m sorry if any of this is poorly worded or doesn’t make sense. I really tried my best. I hope this helps, if not feel free to ask follow up questions. If something I said was incorrect let me know because like said I’m not totally educated on this topic. Stay safe and have a good weekend.

- Izabella and the rest of the Arrow Team

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missallycat · 4 years

Text

Did you know? - Gilmore Girls FAQs, trivia and curiosites

I’ve watched this show so many times, I stopped counting years ago when I reached double digits. Is my favorite show of all times and I’ve been told almost nobody knows it as well as I do, so I decided to put together all the knowledge I’ve gained over the years of trivia tidbits, although in that I’m nowhere near an expert ;) my deal is knowing these characters and their personalities and the lines of the show lol but I figured I’d give it a try and collect all the trivia and tidbits of knowledge I’ve gained over the years in one post that I’ll continue to edit to add more stuff (there are a couple that I didn’t get a chance to add right not that will add later on)

1. Yes, that’s Kirk in guardians of the galaxy 2 http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0348231/. And yes Sam Smith (depending on the photo) does look like Kirk (Sean Gunn). Sean Gunn also played the movements of Rocket the racoon.

2. And yes that is Jess dad's girlfriend Sasha now as April's mom (yes she was/is in Twin Peaks http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000145/). Amy wanted to work with Sherilyn and rumor has it she was offered the role for Lorelai first but there’s no article yet to be found stating this directly from the Palladinos mouths.

3. And yes cousin Marilyn and Gran, Lorelai the first, Richard’s mother, are the same actress. (Happy Day’s Mrs Cunningham http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0005385/?ref_=nv_sr_1).

3. Yes the girl in SH high unnamed who asks Lorelai a question and Logan’s LBD friend Juliette are the same actress. Different character. Riki Lindhome played the unnamed student of SH high and Juliette

5. Yes the first episode looks completely different (not just in the diner) because it was filmed in a different location (Ontario, Canada).

6. Yes, that’s Luke in Seinfeld. (”sponge worthy guy”) and in Will & Grace, jerk guy obsessed with huge boobs, Grace wanted to impress with the water bra. Lauren was also in Seinfield as one of Jerry’s brief girlfriends. That’s also a young Lauren in Caroline in the city.

7. That’s Chris in friends (hums when he pees guy). Yes that's both Luke and Chris on Will & Grace (Luke water bra artist narcissistic guy, Chris cabin in the woods hot guy).

8. Yes that is Logan (and with Usher for that matter lol) in that scene at 7th heaven . And yes Logan. Matt Czuchry was in the good wife, and he has his own show now “The Resident” on Fox. Currently filming a second season (as in October 1st, 2018)

9. Yes Crazy Carrie was also the Stars Hollow High teacher (by a different name) in the pilot. Same actress that plays crazy Carrie but different name of character

10. No, nobody knows if the show will ever come back (as far as it’s been told everything points to a NO). The Palladinos don’t double book, they are happy doing Mrs Maisel and they devote themselves to one show at the time. The last interview they gave on the subject was to Michael Ausiello in the podcast you can hear in the links. 1. A direct link to the article from November 2017 but is important to listen to the podcast http://tvline.com/2017/11/27/amy-sherman-palladino-podcast-interview-gilmore-girls-mrs-maisel/ 2. This is a link directly to the podcast that opens right up and they say "it would have to be the right time , we don't know but we're open. We said no before and ended up doing more that's why we're open now but it would have to be in a different format", Daniel doesn't repeat the would have to because he already said it right before in the same sentence. Basically is nothing we didn't know. However is a very interesting podcast http://hwcdn.libsyn.com/p/b/8/1/b810a8eea76b5eb5/Amy_and_Dan.mp3?c_id=17932724&expiration=1526427435&hwt=95629606ee9caf86bc57bb8d2d70cf6a. Amy and Dan Palladino show creators and writers and producers, these are the people who made this universe, these are the people who the show belongs to, this is THEIR baby and they made a damn good one.

11. No, Lauren Graham did not have cancer and write a book about it. (different person, same name).

12. No, Lauren and Scott didn't hate each other's guts they just weren't BFFs. They have both said this endlessly, they have respect for each other. Scott had a crush on Lauren when he begun the show. But from what has been told and learned about Scott, it seems he doesn’t like to get along with the rest of the cast unless is for his personal gain.

13. NO Rory is not a surrogate. They never even discussed the surrogacy Lorelai with Rory neither did Paris with Rory and Gilmore Girls is a light dramedy not a soap opera it doesn’t have sudden hidden scenes that come to change the show completely, other shows, soap operas could do that, Gilmore Girls DOES NOT. She is NOT pregnant of the Wookie. She never slept with Paul (the actor even said it wasn’t Paul’s) Milo said Jess is not the father and doesn’t romantically love Rory anymore. Only Alexis and Matt were told who the father of the baby is. The Palladinos have said clearly that the father of Rory’s baby was never meant to be a mystery. The only person that fits is Logan. The only actors they have told are Alexis and Matt and told them they could do what they wanted with the information but they have chosen not to say anything because is Amy’s story.And the Palladinos have said IT IS THE OBVIOUS CHOICE. So, Logan is the father, is no cliffhanger is open ending. Yes it would be lovely to see more of them but the Palladinos don’t have the style of wrapping up things in a big pink bow.

14. Ace is Logan’s term of endearment for Rory, it shows respect and admiration, it comes from what they used to call top reporters in the 50’s movies, he first calls her that in a IM conversation at the Yale daily news in the episode season 5 episode 6 of Norman Mailer, I’m pregnant!. Not in the poker game, not in the LDB first gathering. Is a term of respect for her abilities investigating the Life and Death Brigade.

15. The love rocket. Rory understood the meaning because it was the same model, came from an episode of the Twilight zone that was Logan’s favorite. It didn’t need confirmation from Logan because Rory had already said she understood it and she explained it to Lorelai in the same episode: “When Logan and I were first going out, we were in the pool house one night really late, and we were falling asleep on the couch. And this episode of "the twilight zone" came on -- "the long morrow." There's this astronaut who was supposed to go into space for 40 years, but right before he left, he met this beautiful woman. But for those 40 years that he was going to be in space, he was going to be in suspended animation. So when he came back to earth, he was going to be really young, but she would be really old. So he goes into space, and when he does come back, the woman is still young and beautiful because she put herself in suspended animation to wait for him, but he's really, really old because he took himself out of suspended animation so he could be old with her. He spent 40 years alone in space just waiting to see her, and he was willing to come back as an 80-year-old man, giving up almost his entire life just to spend those last few years with her. The point is, that this is Logan's favorite episode of "the twilight zone." And when we watched it together, he said, "that's true love." That's true love! This is the most romantic gift I've ever been given.”.

16. Chris wasn’t at Rory’s high school graduation. He was however at her college graduation. The reason they give is he had to work. Probably the actor who was a guest star was doing another project and couldn’t be in the episode or they just didn’t want to write him in so they could develop more the arc between Lorelai and Luke.

17. June 3rd is the date of Rory’s court date AND the date chosen by Lorelai for hers and Luke’s wedding in the original show. Is the same date different year, coincidence as Lorelai herself says the date happened to happen. There’s a theory that is ASP’s best friend Helen Pai’s birthday. Since it was in an old interview we haven’t found the confirmation of it yet becaue there’s no data (at least on the searches we’ve done so far by various people) on Helen Pai’s date of birth.

18. Lane’s story is loosely based on Helen Pai’s, executive producer of the show and Amy Sherman Palladino’s best friend. HEP ALIEN is an anagram of her name (Pai’s name). Helen Pai’s husband is real life Dave Rygalski which was the character of Dave initially based on until the actor had to leave for a better offer.

19. The real life Dave Rygalski shows up in the troubadour’s “attack” episode, he was with Daniel Palladino who was singing a beaver ate my thumb Dan is singing and Dave is playing the bass. Daniel Palladino is also the town loner, the one who protests at the church and appears briefly in the pilot episode leaving Luke’s. In total Dan Palladino shows up three times in the show

20. Keiko Agena and Emily Kuroda are Japanese American that’s why when they speak korean in very few moments in the show is very difficult to understand for people who do understand korean. Also Mrs Kim’s real name, at least Korean’s name is Jong Ya. Lane’s is Hyun Kyung, without last names, which come first in Korean Culture so Lane would be Kim Hyun Kyung, Mrs Kim however would not be Kim as last name, that’s a westerner tradition, in Korea women don’t change their last name when they marry and they are referred as Madam, Auntie, or as mother of such (name of youngest child) depending on level of familiarity. There’s never a mention of Mrs Kim’s “westerner” first name.

21. There’s also no idea of what Lane’s father does or where he is during the original show. Amy Sherman Palladino show creator said she never saw the need to create or cast a Mr Kim because it was more to focus in the mother and daughter dinamics. No is not the unnamed Asian waiter at Luke’s. Mr Kim appears in the revival for a brief moment, never before. There’s a fan theory going around that he was never there because he had to constantly be traveling to supply antiques for the store. Lane mentions “my parents”, “my mother and father” in a handful of ocassions through the show. He WAS NOT the unnamed Asian waiter that is always at the background at Luke’s. The Palladinos had never made anyone pass for Mr Kim not even as the back of a head until the revival as a way of fan service and as a joke like saying “oh look, so maybe he had been there the entire time”.

22. The translation of the korean wedding ceremony is here: https://missallycat.tumblr.com/post/173812878159/i-got-a-sidekick-out-of-you (is a tumblr post) complete with before and after.

23. What does Lane’s grandmother say when she arrives at the house before the wedding? Grandma takes her coat and she sees Lane, she calls out her name Hyun Kyung-a (the a is an added sound they use for familiarity when they call someone's name) and tells her to come down. After Lane comes down she pats her in the cheek and says Lane is "oh so pretty!". Lane replies, "welcome, grandmother, I am very happy you came." The grandmother then says, "it's good to have come / I'm glad I came." She then talks to Mrs Kim (Yong Ja-ya Jong Ya is the name the ya the added familiarity informal sound), asking why is that Budha statue here in the room?. Mrs Kim says I was going to move it, mother (formal). Grandma walks through the house she's saying, "ugh, it's so dirty and stuffy in here - open a door." Then Mrs Kim says something that sounds sort of like, "rest first, please." When the camera cuts to Lane and Rory giving each other 'the look,' Grammy Kim is saying, "hey, why didn't you come out to the airport?" Mrs Kim maybe replies, "you said yesterday... that I shouldn't..." (and the sentence doesn't finish). Grammy Kim then says, "the atmosphere/karma is bad [in here]. It needs to be changed. Let's bow 108 times."

24. The episode of Jess in California “Here comes the son” WAS the backdoor pilot episode of what was going to be made into a spin off. But it wasn’t deemed interesting enough by the network to justify the expenses of shooting in the actual locations so it didn’t happen.

25. Miss Celine and Drella the harpist are the same actress. Alex Borstein. She was going to be Sookie, she was in the unaired pilot but due to conflicts with her other show she couldn’t be so she came later as other characters. She was also the voice in Dwight’s answering machine (especially my trivial pursuit!) and the woman’s voice in the museum. Jackson was married to her but they are divorced know.

26. Paris (Liza Weill) initially auditioned for the role of Rory, she didn’t get it but they liked her so much they created Paris for her.

27. Luke was initially going to be a woman but they figured the show needed more testosterone so they casted Scott. This has been the first and only major role Scott Patterson has had in his entire “career” as an actor, the one that led him to get a few more minor roles, rumor has it, he’s very difficult to work with and not talented enought to be worth the pain. He milks Gilmore Girls every chance he gets.

28. Sookie was going to be gay but the network put a stop to that, they didn’t want any openly gay characters in the show. The Palladinos were new at this so they accepted the network’s conditions. Is probably why Michel was always put as bicurious or closeted gay man during the original show and was only fully out in the revival as an obvious thing that needed no explanation or backstory because everyone always assumed Michel was gay.

29. Kirk (Sean Gunn) was initially just an appearance, Mick in the pilot episode, then swan guy, then Kirk new manager at Doose’s new in town who didn’t know Miss Patty or anyone and then became the Kirk Gleason we know and love. Sean Gunn was initially an extra but they loved him so much they created Kirk Gleason as permanent character for him.

30. Gypsy and Berta, the maid in AYITL are both played by the extremely talented, Rose Abdoo. She was hilarious in a reading when they hadn’t casted anyone yet so she was given the part. Her language is “berta-ese” lol She speaks mostly Spanish, a couple of words could be Brazilian portuguese (maybe?), is mostly nonsensical Spanish words in the kind of Spanish that wouldn’t make a sentence with any meaning or sense and Rose Abdoo said she had changed a few vowels of the words to make it more confusing.G

31. The unkown town elder (towel guy) is played by William Morgan Sheppard. He was never in the show before or after.

32. None of the elders were the same actors or characters of Richard’s two friends in the golf outing with Rory. But one of those friends was the reverend that buries gran, and in the revival is Charlie of the gazette.

33. Rory’s resident advisor Tess the girl who hands her the keys on her first day of Yale (SE04 EP2 “The Lorelais first day at Yale”) is a different actress than Sandee from Sandee says in AYTIL (a year in the life, netflix GG revival) Tess name is Joy Darash http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1384632/?ref_=ttfc_fc_cl_t17 Sandee is Julia Goldani Telles http://www.imdb.com/name/nm5065920/?ref_=tt_cl_t3 (if you ever saw ASP’s show bunheads that’s Sasha)

34. When they take the roadtrip to Harvard. The picture of the girl Lorelai stares at when she’s in the hallway is a stranger it has to do with the year not the girl herself. That's the year she would have graduated if she went to an Ivy league college as it was planned. It was sort of a “what if” moment.

35. Emily Gilmore didn’t go to Yale she went to Smith to study History. Women weren’t admitted in Yale at the time Richard and Emily went to college but it was usual that girls colleges and guys colleges would have parties together and visited each other when there were couples. First mention of Emily attending Smith was in season 5. How many kropogs to cape cod. Richard jokes how Emily got kicked out of the women’s softball team for elbowing another girl. In season 7 I’m a kayak hear me roar, Emily says she went to Smith and majored in History.

36. They talk about Richard’s mother in the first season in past tense but later on Trix appears. It was an error of the first season when things weren’t that defined.

37. Alexis Bledel and Milo Ventimiglia did date in real life, apparently it ended really badly. She also dated Jared Padalecki. She didn’t date Matt Czuchry at least not that is known but both are extremely private people, however they are good friends and trust each other a lot from every interview they have given and enjoy working together. She’s now happily married to her Mad Men costar Vincent Kartheiser and they have a beautiful boy together.

38. Luke’s diner has the sign of William’s hardware store and not Danes’ because as a fandom we assume William was his dad’s first name. You’ll see changes in the diner all through the show. However Luke’s parents names are never mentioned ever during the show. The pilot episode was filmed in Unionville Ontario in a building that was formerly Williams hardware. For continuity when they moved to the studio lot at Warner Brothers the name was kept. I don't remember them ever explaining the name on the series other than the hardware store belonged to Lukes father

39. Lorelai’s doll house is NOT the same dollhouse on friends but it is the dollhouse they show on sale at Kim’s antiques, in one episode where Lane is going to talk to her mom about the band and Mrs Kim cracks the joke “but is past their bedtime”.

40. Yes Gil from Hep Alien is Sebastian Bach from Skid Row.

41. Yes the “hug-a-world” that was in the garage in season 4 is on their couch in season 1! (Same as the scary clown pillow is in a number of seasons lying around lol)

42. Alexis Bledel is actually a Latina. She was born and raised in the US but grew in a Spanish speaking, latino, household, her father and paternal grandfather are Argentinian, her mother, like herself was born in the US, but Alexis’ mother grew up in Mexico. Alexis didn’t learn English until she started school. The episode where Rory speaks Spanish with Esperanza (Season 6 episode 2: “Fight face”) she anglicized her native Spanish BECAUSE Rory didn’t know much Spanish. There’s an old interview with Ellen Degeneres on set while filming season 6 or 7 that she’s asked to translate for Lauren, she doesn’t translate everything due to nervousness. (It also happens when you live your adult life in a country that doesn’t speak your first language, growing up bilingual, you tend to adopt the accent of the language you use most and tend to confuse some words when you don’t use your native language often).

43. People praised the chemistry and physical closeness between Lauren Graham and Alexis Bledel, but there is actually a very logical reason for this: Alexis was a model and was just starting out acting and had a tougher time making her marks, so as veteran, Lauren often physically moved Alexis to make sure she was in the right place. Lauren told “The Today Show” in 2015: "The camerawork on that show is very specific and we really had to hit certain marks, which especially when you start out, is just a foreign concept...I remember a lot of times just kind of grabbing her, just kind of leading her arm. So, in the beginning, people are like, 'You have such great chemistry.' And I'm like, 'I'm mauling her. That's why.'"

(check this entry from time to time because I’ll keep writing fun facts)

#Gilmore Girls #trivia #gilmore girls trivia #Lorelai Gilmore #rory gilmore #lauren graham #alexis bledel #matt czuchry #Logan Huntzberger

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bi-dazai · 5 years

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2000 words on soukoku romance-coding in episode 26

i’ve talked a lot on here about how there’s a lot of romance-coding in the canon content featuring dazai and chuuya. here’s a rundown of my base theories here

i didnt add this in my original above post, but ill say now that diegetically chuuya and dazai are usually quite levelheaded and manipulative - both are the two youngest port mafia executives in history. even when dazai is annoyed with other characters (such as kunikida or atsushi) it is clear that he is play-acting. chuuya, meanwhile, is extremely level-headed and doesnt get upset at all - even when yosano and kenji appeared heavily armed. dazai is only slightly upset by shibusawa and dostoyevsky. the only person to genuinely get a rise out of both chuuya and dazai are each other. even so, their arguing has, from the beginning, been petty on the surface, yet upon reading into dialogue and animated/written/illustrated facial expressions show deep hurt at each others actions, particularly on their 4 year separation and dazai covering up his loyalty to chuuya by betraying his trust in episode 21.

i have two more points to add on concerning their non-diegetic relationship. firstly, that official merchandise and posters almost always depict chuuya and dazai either ogling each other (theres a trend of dazai ogling chuuya’s ass in particular) or doing something romantic together (for example there’s a poster where they are depicted hanging around together with no other characters near a christmas tree - christmas is considered a romantic holiday in japan. the same coding is given to many canon fictional couples in japan, and to another studio bones production pairing in bnha kiribaku, which has a similar level of gaycoding).

the second non-diegetic point you should understand about soukoku: it’s one of the most popular ships in japan, and japan’s anime industry tends to be a lot more open about showing same-sex relationships/gay-coding than the west is.

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and for a note on my authorship - i admit that i do ship soukoku, and that this gives me a bias. i am also bisexual and am much more sensitive to noticing homoeroticism than many straight audiences. however, to counter this point id like to clarify that it takes a lot to make me believe a same-sex ship has even the slightest chance of being canon. also, id like to say that i am an author in my second year of a creative writing degree and my first year of a film studies minor. these degrees both involve analysing text within production and authorial context (a lot...). in my free time i read a lot of papers and articles on the production context and general views of lgbt representation in different countries’ media, in particular the usa, australia, and japan. i consume every piece of media i view with an intensely critical eye and i specialise in connected diegetic elements with non-diegetic elements in terms of production, authorial, and social context

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*NOTE* im going to be doing things out of order here for no other reason than that i realised them in that order as i thought about the episode analytically

today i want to talk about something extremely specific that came up in episode 26, and it has to do with the use of symbolism and shot composition. it’s just a short, short sequence but to me it speaks volumes, both for their canon relationship and their coded romantic relationship.

specifically this sequence. this is just one shot and to me it portrays soukoku’s dynamic as explicitly romantic in a mise-en-scene sense.

before we like to go in, id like to clarify that the dialogue doesnt matter - it’s mainly expository stuff.

the first sc is the first shot we see of dazai and chuuya ‘alone’ in this scene. it’s unclear where mori is exactly. even though mori is clearly orchestrating the two of them and this entire scene’s dialogue, he isn’t in this shot until the very end. this defines the soukoku relationship, as well as their first meeting being entirely incidental, as being something that was supposedly orchestrated by mori but on a deeper level something they created and grow themselves. it is their relationship from the beginning, not mori’s. even though we know that mori is orchestrating this, we are told that this story will be about chuuya and dazai, not mori’s plans. along with that, it’s also the first shot of open sky we get in this scene, and it’s with just chuuya and dazai looking at each other, silent. it’s open and refreshing and new, but there’s something there already - which i will discuss now.

so. let’s talk about the vapour trail. the vapour trail has no real relationship to the scene or story at all. it would be perfectly logical to just place clouds here, or even place the vapour trail somewhere else. but this vapour trail is very specifically placed to form an arrow to comes from dazai’s heart and reaches towards chuuya, passing over mori’s head narrowly. mori watches the trail, dazai and chuuya watch each other. mori knows the middle part - that they will be tied together to be a device of violence of his own making. but at the other ends dazai and chuuya are tied together in a way that goes above and below mori’s knowledge. this symbolises their future together, and indicates a subtextual level to their dynamic.

the choice i want to focus on here, however, is the choice to have this arrow reach from dazai’s heart. as a writer, if i was trying to symbolise the general strategic soukoku dynamic i would have this arrow go from dazai’s head (the brains) to chuuya (the recipient and conductor of dazai’s plans). in fact, i have a dynamic im writing right now that is similar to this, in which one is defense and one is agility. however, these two also end up in a same-sex romantic relationship together later on. in order to code and foreshadow this, as well as add romantic subtext, often when using symbology i adjust my symbols to fit a romantic context subtly. as an author myself, this shot is a clear hint of adjusted symbolism in order to code dazai’s feelings for chuuya.

and if i’m to read further, i would even say that the fact that the arrow flies over chuuya’s head suggests that dazai currently has romantic feelings for chuuya that chuuya does not yet return (but comes to, something that i have discussed in my linked post above).

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secondly, tumblr user @cream-and-punishment made a fun joke post about dazai and chuuya “exchanging wedding vows” at their first meeting. firstly, it’s funny as fuck and when i first saw the post my reaction was just “haha it does sound like that!”. however, i keep looking at that post, keep returning to the script and that scene, and my reaction is now “wow. it does sound like that. like. exactly what soukoku wedding vows sound like. huh.”

for the lazy here’s the script (translated by the funimation subtitle team):

Dazai: You’re a cocky, overconfident child. You’re the kind of person I hate the most.

Chuuya: And I hate condescending pricks like you more than anything in this world.

and because im thorough, i ignored my english subs and listened the original japanese script as well (with my limited japanese to basically check for anything that could be translated differently or means something in japanese that is culturally untranslatable). what i found was that the english subs are right, and capture the original lines quite well.

dialogue can function as a tool for multiple results. in this two-line exchange, neither of the lines are meant as views into the character’s true interiors. instead, the purpose of this interchange is meant to be foreshadowing, specifically into the fact that this is how chuuya and dazai spend the rest of their relationship (up until the current point in the canon manga plot) expressing their opinion towards each other. it mirrors the kind of dialogue we see in episode 10 in which dazai and chuuya’s dialogue works as exposition for their past and their base dynamic, and here it is used to foreshadow what is considered backstory in the main plot (if that makes any sense?).

however, chuuya’s response to dazai is where im interested. im gonna pull my writer’s card here and say that if i was, again, just foreshadowing hatred and frustration as well as cooperation, i would cut chuuya’s line to something like this:

Chuuya: And I hate condescending pricks like you the most/just as much/etc.

“more than anything in this world”, of course, could just be incidental. but considering how a lot of soukoku’s dialogue is clearly double-entendre (read my original post linked above), it makes me consider a second option: that we are already putting that romantic double-entendre into their dynamic. if we refer to the future soukoku dynamic, in particular in episode 21, we are shown multiple times that chuuya genuinely cares for dazai’s well-being (secondary to rimbaud’s hat of course hahaha). chuuya would be genuinely upset if dazai died, and its implied (though still up to interpretation as opposed to the explicitness of chuuya’s shown feelings, however i would argue that dead apple is fairly explicit in dazai’s trust and feelings) the vice versa is also true.

going off that, often how both of them express concern for each other is by making ‘hateful’ comments towards each other. in episode 9, it’s clear there is uncomfortable tension in the room. there is 4 years of unspoken confusion lingering and chuuya is clearly, clearly upset. so dazai, in referencing an unchanging nature of what makes them them, calls back to one of his first mocking entries - how short chuuya is. it’s funny and it’s mocking, but the blows they trade are familiar and even when theyre brawling, despite being on opposite sides they take genuine pleasure in each others company. considering both of their personalities and histories as well as their trauma, both of them tend to struggle with interpersonal relationships and opening up. but chuuya and dazai canonically feel comfortable with each other, and know how to read each other well enough to both bounce off each other while also understanding what lies beneath.

so when chuuya says something like “i hate you more than anything in this world” we are pulled back to the present (in the plot), where chuuya says these things but moments later is concerned or worried for dazai’s wellbeing. chuuya in this line prioritises dazai as the foremost person in his life within minutes of meeting each other. diegetically (to the characters) we know this is them exchanging tense negotiation. non-diegetically (to what we know of the script and their future, as well as this entire exchange being mostly foreshadowing), we are clearly meant to interpret this to mean that chuuya will, eventually, hold dazai to be incredibly important to him, and vice versa.

of course, we also have the fact that the phrase “more than anything in this world” is yet another soukoku romantic double-entendre. as i mentioned with things such as “the silent treatment” and mentioning drinking heavily when someone abruptly leaves you, it’s clear that these are used almost entirely as romantic tropes. i’ve discussed this before so i wont get too much into it, but just say that this scene adds yet another line to that long list of soukoku double-entendres.

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considering at least the first 3 episodes will be related to exploring the soukoku backstory, ill be trying to post an analytic of soukoku for each episode of the 15 adaptation. furthermore, these posts won’t be explicitly about the potential of canon romantic chuuya/dazai, but will analyse soukoku scenes in a focus that i see fit for each episode. whether this is examining it like this post again, or examining it for foreshadowing or cinematographic details etc, will be decided once i watch each episode.

anyway lol! yet another rambling analytical of something nobody cares about haha

#long post #skk #soukoku #double black #bsd #bungo stray dogs #bungou stray dogs #damn i feel like a hack fraud tagging for attention but i wrote all this out so

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lovelytonys · 5 years

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The Official Lovelytonys Guide to Iron Man Comics

Not to toot my own horn, but I’m about to save some lives. Buckle up.

Six months ago, I was asked for comic recs. I’m posting those recs today. Why so long? Because I couldn’t just make a rec list, no, I’m too extra for that. I had to go and make, to the best of my ability and knowledge, my own entire personal guide to Iron Man comics. I also have a tendency to start projects and not do them. But I did this one! And now I share it with you.

For your assistance, I’m going to link this Comic Book Herald article which is a full Iron Man reading order (LIFESAVER) and has links to amazon to buy the collections & arcs being talked about if you are so inclined.

You can find comics on amazon, ebay, the marvel website or Marvel Digital Comics Store (you can buy digital versions of comics), or just find a local comic shop and see what they have. You can easily find any comic you want free to read online, but the websites are a little shady. I’ll leave it to your discretion.

Disclaimer: Remember that these are all my personal opinions. Often, they will not line up with popular opinions. You might really like stuff that I didn’t care for. You might dislike my favorites. You might agree with my opinions. If any comic fans read this and are offended by any of my opinions, please don’t be!! Opinions on comics are SO subjective, just find out what you like and stick to it. I just figured I’d lend my own personal helping hand for you get started, because doing so can be intimidating.

WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, let’s begin under the cut! (If you are on mobile...I am so, so sorry about this)

Short version (the recommendation-y part)

Recs because I like them:

Iron Man Volume 3 (1998)- #1-25 (my actual absolute FAVORITE RUN of all time and my number one recommendation. It’s by Kurt Busiek, Roger Stern, and Sean Chen), #26-30, #62-63, #73-78. Iron Man Volume 4 (2005) #1-35. Invincible Iron Man (2008) spanned many years so you should read at least some, and it has many fans, but I am not one of them, so I’m not gonna rec too much. Issues #1-6 and its epilogue, #7, are worth a read and the arc spanning #8-19 is probably the best from the era, I would say that I enjoyed that arc. Next is Brian Michael Bendis’ stuff, which has a pretty bad rep and while I don’t hate it as much as others do, I wouldn’t say I love it. It is, however, the most recent completed run & important stuff happens, and there’s some good stuff here and there, so yeah. I don’t really have any specific recs from here...just read the whole thing and see what you get out of it or scroll down to the guide section and see the highlights I picked out. Invincible Iron Man (2015) #1-25, and Invincible Iron Man (2016) #1-600 (they changed the numbering halfway through, it’s not 600 issues it’s only I think 19).

Recs because important stuff happens even if I don’t necessarily like them:

Civil War I (occurs during the Iron Man run starting in 2005), Civil War II (occurs during Brian Michael Bendis era), Iron Man (2012) #9-17 “The Secret Origin of Tony Stark.”

Long version (the guide-y part)

First off, I’m going to tell you that my suggested starting points are Invincible Iron Man (1998) which was my starting point, and Invincible Iron Man (2005). Much more on those below.

I haven’t read Mr. Stark’s classic adventures yet because there’s a daunting number of them and I still need to find a starting point, so we’re gonna start with...

Volume 3 (1998):

Okay I have SO MUCH to say here because I’d die for this volume!! It’s considered by many to be nothing special but there’s a lot to appreciate if you’re a fan of Tony in the way that many are here on tumblr- caring about character development & character moments first and foremost. I’ll break down my favorites for ya

#1- does a good job of setting the tone for Tony and this era of Invincible Iron Man. Some nice Tony character details are in there. Volume 3 is started with Kurt Busiek writing (later joined by Roger Stern) and Sean Chen on pencils. I LOVED this team, this is my FAVORITE run of Iron Man that I’ve read, PLEASE read all 25 issues. I thought Busiek understood Tony really well and I just loved the way Chen drew Tony (and everything else), and their first issue is surprisingly enjoyable for mostly existing to set the groundwork for a fresh start.

#4-5- I think this is where the run starts to kick into gear. Tony’s on-and-off girlfriend for the era, Rumiko, is introduced and she’s fun (but as the years went on, deserved much better writing). Tony kicks some butt & is a hero.

#6- an awesome Iron Man/Black Widow team up. It shows a really nice friendship between Tony & Nat. Also, Nat kicks butt & it’s great

I’m recommending every issue that builds Tony’s relationship with Carol Danvers (at this time, she was Warbird, not Captain Marvel). #7, #11-12, #18, #19, #21, and #23-25. Their storyline details Tony’s endeavors to help Carol overcome alcoholism. At least read the Carol parts of the issues she’s only in a few panels of. Major highlight of the Iron Man comics I’ve read. Also- knowing this background will definitely make Civil War II have more weight

#8-12- Tony gets the actual daylights beaten out of him and then some, leading into a compelling 2-issue Mandarin arc, this then leads into an interesting 2-issue team up with Warbird that gives us an answer as to why his injuries were so bad. It hurts but it’s good

#13- an actually really compelling single-issue story that involves some trippy, creepy mind control stuff and takes a look into Tony’s head- specifically questioning whether or not being Iron Man has become an addiction. You can’t tell yet but I’m trying my hardest to not recommend every single issue

#26-30- The Mask in the Iron Man arc. This is the first issue without Busiek writing- Joe Quesada steps in and it’s good stuff. It’s also Sean Chen’s last arc. It starts with Tony punching a guy in the face to protect Rumiko but getting punched back and having to wear a nose splint- it’s really cute. Then Tony and Ru run into relationship problems. Then the Iron Man armor becomes sentient, basically falls in love with Tony, and kidnaps him on a remote island. Wait-what? Yeah, it’s really weird in hindsight, but while you’re reading it, it sure does pull you in. One of the biggest standouts of the whole era and something of an instant classic. Also, the first few pages of #31 give you a little aftermath.

#37-40- this wasn’t my favorite arc but I’m recommending it just because of how wild it ends up being. These were the days when IIM wasn’t afraid to have a big imagination. And I mean big, like, who thought of this? Well, Frank Tieri is writing at this point (he’s okay, not my favorite of the volume), and Alitha Martinez & Paul Ryan are on pencils (it’s fine, but you’ll miss Sean Chen) (you’ll always miss Sean Chen). Also, a major player in this arc is Tiberius Stone so maybe read it to know who he is.

#50- “Tinman”. Issue 50 was meant to be a place for new readers to jump in. Mike Grell & Michael Ryan are at the reigns as writer and artist. Grell’s characterization was fairly solid, my favorite next to Busiek in this era. His version of Tony is more in touch with his emotions, I guess, than some like to characterize him. Sometimes he gets aggressive when he’s angry but there’s also a lot of really sweet moments and they portray him as doing a lot of good, like funding a rehab/safehouse for kids on the street. Grell’s stories are generally grittier and more violent but Tony himself doesn’t really take a dark turn. Issue #50 has both action and a VERY SOFT Tony, definitely recommend it

#53-55- “Book of the Ten Rings”. Again, it’s grittier than the stuff that came before it, but it’s good. Once the main story wraps up, something really important happens at the end. Also, it’s important to note here for people that weren’t previously into comics that at this point, Pepper and Happy are a thing, not Pepper and Tony as seen in the MCU

#59-61- “In Shining Armor”. Tony travels back to Medieval times and it’s not exactly a good time for him but it’s a wild time for us. Gotta love a good old fashioned time travel arc

#62-63- “You Can’t Always Get”. Oh god PLEASE read this one, if you only listen to one of my post-Busiek & Chen recs this is the one, the Tony content is so precious

#73-78- “The Best Defense”. The arc detailing Tony’s journey to becoming Secretary of Defense because yes, that happened. A very interesting concept to watch Tony go through and one of the most notable stories in this era.

Volume 4 (2005):

This is the last of what I consider the Really Good Stuff (except for Civil War, but we’ll get there). These comics defined Tony Stark as we know him today, and you’ll notice that MCU Tony was definitely influenced by them. If you’re starting here, it’ll be Iron Man as you basically already know it. If you’re coming here off of Volume 3, then you’ll notice the tone of not just the stories but of Tony himself get darker. For whatever reason, writers looked at Tony and said “let’s find ways to bring his morals into question bc that’s Interesting!” It’s not bad (the Iron Man title, that is- Civil War is bad) but it doesn’t really reflect what came before it, I guess. I’m recommending all 35 issues bc why not but I’ll break it down for ya & make sure to point out my favorites

#1-6- “Extremis”. A must read. One of the most iconic Iron Man stories in 21st century comic history. It’s on everyone’s list. You are, as an Iron Man fan looking to get into IM comics, legally obligated to read this. This would also be the arc where I believe the MCU looked for inspiration for Tony characterization. Also Extremis obviously ended up in the MCU but it’s like way different in the MCU than in the source material

#7-12- “Execute Program”- Basically, Tony is screwed up post-Extremis. Poor guy. Please read this. Directly leads to Civil War…

Civil War (2006) #1-7- Ugh. So. Civil War. In my personal opinion- not a fan. I actually like the movie MUCH better and imo the movie is the way this should have been written. Unfortunately, you’ve gotta read it because it’s an important event. You’ll see people calling it “Tony Stark characterization murder” and THAT’S VALID. Like. Tony suddenly became...a villain?? literally the worst?? under the poorly written guise of “just doing what I have to do” but the stuff that happens….it just can’t be explained with “doing what I have to do”. Honestly it reads like the writers just wanted to pit Tony against Steve and didn’t care about keeping him in character. Tony basically had to be turned into a villain to make the story work because In-Character Tony would not have fit their needs. It sucks and I don’t want to recommend it but you have to read it because it affects so much that comes after it.

THE ONLY CIVIL WAR ANYTHING YOU SHOULD SERIOUSLY CONSIDER are tie ins and oneshots and I will tell you a couple

Invincible Iron Man #13-14- IIM’s CW tie ins. Issue 13 comes after CW #2, issue 14 after CW #5. Read these

Captain America/Iron Man: Casualties of War- oneshot to be read after Civil War #4. Tony offers Steve the chance to try and talk it out. Both explain their positions and a lot of comic history between them is brought up.

Civil War: The Confession: SO after CW, SPOILER SPOILER poor Steve is assassinated in Captain America #25 (it’s actually more wild than that bc superheroes don’t just die but whatever) and this is a oneshot with two halves, the first takes place after Steve is dead and is Tony-centric and I LITERALLY CRIED and the second takes place when Steve is imprisoned before he is killed. PLEASE read this

There’s more tie ins involving Tony that you should read but I’m sick of talking abt CW

BACK TO THE IRON MAN SOLO TITLE

Sooooo the title now changes from Invincible Iron Man to Iron Man: Director of SHIELD but it’s the same book

#15-18- It’s Tony’s first story arc as Director and it ends up being kind of wild actually

#21-28- ‘Haunted’. Starts out as a sort of murder mystery thing, spirals into something much bigger. Also, poor Tony is so screwed up in the head but what’s new. Definitely read this one

#29-32- ‘With Iron Hands’. Basically, an entire arc of Tony feeling guilty about his past?? Pretty much. There’s also a terrorist and a giant weapon and more fun stuff. The last you’ll see of Tony for the volume bc stuff goes down in the Secret Invasion event and War Machine takes over for the last 3 issues of the title. Wish I could be of help in regards to Secret Invasion, but I haven’t actually read it because I haven’t been able to find it. Just, idk, google search the plot of Secret Invasion like I did and you should be able to get by

Invincible Iron Man (2008) AKA Other Volume 4:

Okay lots of comics fans think this is one of the best Iron Man runs in history and I respect their opinions and perhaps you will share them but I’m gonna cut to the chase here: I am not one of those people. Look, I read all 62 issues so I have a fair opinion, and I’m just not a huge fan. Matt Fraction is writing and Salvador Larroca is drawing. In my experience, the stories drag on and it gets to the point where you’re just bored. I think I read the 89 issues of volume 3 faster than I read the 62 issues of this because I was just so bored with it. Also, I’m really not a fan of Larroca’s work on the book. I really disliked the way he drew Tony and the more I looked at it, it almost made me...uncomfortable? Some of his art is kind of gross imo. Plus, I didn’t love Fraction’s Tony characterization. I can’t quite articulate why, it just didn’t sit nicely w me. There were some moments where I thought “oh yeah that’s Correct” but many other moments where I thought “No Why Did You Write That”. He was good at writing some wild and intricate stories but sometimes I felt that character got lost in the midst of the action. That’s just me though, you might really like Fraction’s run, and there is some stuff worth pointing out.

#1-6- ‘The Five Nightmares’. A fairly iconic modern Iron Man story. Tony’s worst nightmare comes true when the son of Obadiah Stane uses Stark tech to cause absolutely horrific acts of terrorism. It gets pretty serious, but it sets the groundwork for this entire era of Iron Man. As far as Fraction stories go for me, it’s one of the better ones.

#7- Five Nightmares Epilogue. A team-up of sorts with Spider-Man that I actually genuinely think you should read, especially for the ending (and because Peter & Tony clearly wish they could be buddies again in this post-Civil War world).

#8-19- Okay it’s really long but I remember it stood out to me, all I remember is that it’s basically Tony Stark Brain Annihilation over the course of 12 issues and it hurts like heecckkk. Actually I’m gonna say definitely read this one. Also Rescue happens and that’s A Thing you should know about. Stuff gets fixed in the next arc, #20-24, but it’s not worth recommending imo so don’t read this if you’re gonna read it but if you’re not just know that SPOILER SPOILER Tony is fine except he accidentally erased Civil War from his memory (god I wish I could do that). SPOILER OVER

I think I’m gonna end it there for Fraction issues of interest. There’s probably more in there I should be recommending but I just. Can’t be bothered to comb through Fraction’s volume sorryyyyy I’m just not a fan

Iron Man (2012):

So this run is by Kieron Gillen and I don’t really want to recommend anything from it. I didn’t love it as a whole. Gillen laid way too heavily into the idea of “Tony Stark is a walking ego”. The stories were kind of interesting in theory but I thought the execution was mediocre for some reason. Although, not necessarily the art but specifically the coloring was nice- very vibrant. The actual art was by Greg Land who comic fans really seem to hate. I didn’t think his work on this was too bad idk. Again I don’t really want to recommend anything so there’s only one thing I’m putting on here and it’s:

#9-17- “The Secret Origin of Tony Stark”. So here’s the thing. Kieron Gillen said to himself “I need to do something that turns Tony Stark’s identity on its head. I need to redefine him”. And he actually kind of succeeded in that. And it’s actually annoying and it actually feels like something that should be retconned…. but hasn’t been?? And since it hasn’t been, it’s going to be important going forward so you should probably know about it. You could also just google it.

Invincible Iron (2015) by Man-Brian Michael Bendis

Yes, the infamous BMB. So, what’s the truth about his run on Iron Man? Is the amount of hate warranted? Well…that’ll be for you to decide. Personally, I think it was generally...meh. Not necessarily terrible just. Meh. Many fanboys act like this run is the bane of their existence and I don’t think I dislike it to that extent at all. I mean, it gets boring after a while, but the good moments are really enjoyable and I think it’s worth reading. Bendis’ characterization was sometimes weird because it felt notably inconsistent. However, the moments when he nailed it, he really did nail it. His Tony is a bit of a dork, a bit of a hot mess, a little vulnerable, and the moments when that’s at the forefront are great. There’s also some notable stuff going on here- Civil War 2 falls under this era (I hate it less than the first one but Marvel could do 50 Civil War events and I will probably not like any of them), and so does Riri Williams (who I love, just to get that opinion over with). Finding recs for this era is kind of weird for me because the things that stood out were almost never actual issues or stories, but rather specific character moments, so like, the volume is only 14 issues so tbh you can just trudge through them all and savor the good moments, but I’ll try to pull some recs out for ya

#2, #3- just for some character moments. These two are a part of a larger arc so it might be a little confusing to read them on their own but who cares

#4, #5- Tony fights ninjas and visits kids at a hospital and MJ Watson & Doctor Strange make appearances so it’s kinda cool idk

#9-11- only because you meet Miss Riri Williams, the other parts won’t make sense since it’s in the middle of an arc but eh. Honestly the actual story didn’t strike me as being very special so like unless you’re into it you can just skim for the parts that Riri is in since she’ll be important later

Aaaand CIVIL WAR 2

Civil War II #0-8- okay I don’t dislike it as strongly as I dislike the first CW but I still?? Don’t like it?? Like at all? But something really important to Tony’s stories happens at the end and Tony is one of the main characters in the event so like. You should read it. The main problem I remember is that the pace felt so slow. This event is Iron Man vs Captain Marvel which kinda hurt me bc of how much I loved them from 1998’s volume but it’s fine!! They never address their past in the actual event but there’s a tie-in that does so that’s good I guess. Just get through it idk what to tell you

Back to Invincible Iron Man

#12, #13, #14- tie-ins to Civil War II. #12 and #13 I think come after CW2 #2?? Maybe?? And I think #14 comes after CW2 #6?? Anyway #14 actually acknowledges Tony & Carol’s past so you should give that a read while going through the event.

Invincible Iron Man (2016)

Sooo some Serious Stuff happened in Civil War II that’s going to have an effect that lasts a while. I don’t wanna spoil it, though. When you do get to the end of CW2, you can rest assured that Tony will still have a major presence as a character in this title, but Riri Williams takes the spotlight. Opinions on her are mixed, I personally love her. This, like its 2015 sister, can honestly just be read all the way through, it’s only 19 issues, but I’ll try to find stuff. Also, Tony & Riri’s banter is ALWAYS golden so just read to enjoy it tbh. On we go!

#1, #2- gives you the background on Riri now that she’s taking center stage. She’s just so darn endearing.

#11- It’s basically an issue about everyone reflecting on how Tony is a good person and different from how the public perceives him. He holds orphaned babies from around the world. It’s good stuff.

#593-600- the numbering changed, there’s obviously not actually 600 issues lol. So yes this is kind of long for an arc, but it’s important because it resolves what happened to Tony in Civil War 2. I remember getting bored with it after a few issues, like it wasn’t bad I just remember it feeling slow. Idk. It’s important. Just read it.

Stuff that I don’t think is worth your time:

Invincible Iron Man volume 2 (1996)- I think Marvel was doing some kind of reboot or something because Iron Man’s origin was redone as well as The Hulk’s. It’s amazing how a run that was only 13 issues felt like such a large waste of my time. I didn’t think there was anything of note. I basically don’t even remember what happened in it. Also the sexualization of women was so casual and constant on top of the run not being particularly remarkable so yeah don’t waste your time

Superior Iron Man (2015)- I dislike the idea of this so much that I don’t even want to explain it ugh it’s a spin off of an event called Axis that involved some psychic type stuff that altered the personalities of those involved, boosting Tony’s worst qualities and making him evil. Marvel then decided to make a series about it and it’s only 9 issues but wow it’s amazing how hard it can be for me to get through 9 issues. I could barely read it I just so strongly dislike this idea ok so basically Evil Tony creates Extremis 3.0 which is an app that lets a person make themselves physically into the person they wish they were (In the pages of Axis, Tony personally made himself not an alcoholic because that’s not disrespecting an incredibly important character detail and there was one particularly awful panel of him drinking alcohol in front of a crowd of cheering people and saying “I missed you, sweetheart”). He is testing this app on San Francisco and effectively creates two classes of people- the “perfect” people who could access the app and the “imperfect” people who can’t and that goes about as well as you’d think. Then he makes it obscenely expensive to use which also goes about as well as you’d think. And more stuff happens. Here’s the thing. I’m sure many people thought the concept of a villainous Tony Stark was cool, but I just don’t like the implications of it. The way it’s written kind of gives the idea that, with his personality, Tony could easily become a villain. Given that some people already think of Tony Stark as a villain, reading it just made me cringe. And the WORST thing about it is that, while this is a result of Axis, it’s still Tony himself. According to the writers, he has “surrendered to his id and his legendary ego” (god I’m about to gag) after the mind-altering events of Axis brought those things out in him. Despite my qualms, was the book well-written? I will never be able to read it that objectively, so I can’t say. But clearly, as you can see by the size of this here rant (sorry), I dislike the very idea of it enough to put it on my “do not touch” list.

Okay. Wow. I finally did it. Wow. Six months and it’s done.

I am simply the mentor figure in your hero’s journey. As you get used to navigating comics and reading orders, you’ll find it easier to venture out, and there’s so many ways to go. A character crossed over into something you read and you liked them a lot? Look up their reading order. A writer or artist really impressed you? Do a google search and find what else they’ve worked on. There’s a whole world of comics out there. Go have some fun.

I leave you with 3 rules of being a comic fan:

1. No one hates comics more than comic book readers. We’re bitter because we care. You’ll be like a jaded war veteran who writes a thousand word rant about why a certain author’s mischaracterization of your fave offended you personally way faster than you’d think.

2. Follow the trail of what interests you and, while acknowledging what may be widely believed, proudly own your personal opinions.

3. It’s addictive. Embrace it. You start with one issue, and before you know it, you’ve read 200 issues and know 20 years of history on one character in less than a year. That might be how it goes for you. Just go with it.

Happy reading!

#lovelytonys guide to comics #tony stark #iron man #marvel #marvel comics

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1dffexchange · 5 years

Photo

Uncomfortable Silences

To: Vicki @angstarella

From: Liv @midnightcities

Summary: It’s been 927 days since Rowie messily ended her two year relationship with Harry. 659 days since Harry Styles bared his soul and shared it for the world to hear in the form of a best-selling debut album. 173 days since his number had flashed across the screen of her phone. But finally, Rowie was starting to feel her sense of normalcy return.

It was any other Saturday morning. A half eaten piece of Marmite toast lay forgotten on the kitchen counter along with the dregs of my morning coffee. There was a haphazard pile of trousers at the foot of my bed that I had created when searching for my favourite black pair. My 10 minute snooze turned into almost 25 minutes and I was now on a time crunch to pull myself together for my Saturday shift. Despite promising myself that I would go to bed at an acceptable hour last night, I fell prey to my best friend’s masterful coercing and stayed out far longer than I originally intended. You think by now I would know better.

I was in my bathroom, scraping my hair back into a bun, when I heard the buzz of my phone. Jules, the aforementioned best friend I’m sure, checking in to either complain about her killer headache or to help fill in her hazy memory. This had become a bit of a ritual for us.

One last glance in the mirror and I deemed myself suitable enough to face the horde of Saturday shoppers. I flicked the bathroom light off and grabbed my phone that I had earlier tossed onto my unmade bed. The phone screen lit up as I brought it to eye level. I immediately dropped the phone back onto the bed when I saw the notification:

+44 7106 555555 iMessage

I had finally deleted that number almost a year ago; that’s the best way to move on according to all the break-up articles and books I have pored over the past 2 and a bit years. They don’t tell you how to delete a number from your memory though. I haven’t seen it grace my phone screen in quite some time, the longest stint yet actually. And still, it made my heart stutter erratically and my palms clammy.

What does he want now? Has something happened? Work. I haven’t seen much of him online lately. Who was that last girl he was linked to again? Work. Is this going to be some half-assed, drunk apology again? I need to go to work.

I broke myself out of my impending trainwreck of thoughts, forcing myself to throw all my effort into moving my body. I snatched up my bag and grabbed my phone once again. My eyes squeezed shut, not wanting to see that damn number as I shoved it to the depths of my bag. Out of sight out of mind, right?

****

Waterstones was a staple part of my childhood London visits, so landing a job here in my first year of studying was a dream. I was lucky enough to take up residence at the Gower Street store. It always was my favourite, with its twisting shelves and hidden nooks, and it’s a bonus that it’s only a 5 minute walk from main campus for those days when I have class. As a child I always thought this would be the perfect place to play a game of hide-and-seek. And on days like today where I would rather do anything than enthusiastically suggest a middle-aged woman some egregious romance novel, the labyrinth nature of the store was appreciated.

I was tucked away on the third floor, shelving some second-hand Philosophy books. I studied each title intently, skimmed each books synopsis, and threw all my mental energy into deciphering what the philosophical knowledge each book was actually trying to impart. The upper levels of the store are the perfect study sanctuary; I have spent many hours holed up in here writing last minute essays. But today the comfortable silence was not good for my current mental state.

I had thrown my bag into the designated employee locker out the back, my phone remaining ignored in the depths. I’m sure I felt it vibrate again when I was on the tube but it stayed unopened and unchecked. I can’t do this again, I really can’t put myself through… that again.

“Um… Excuse me…” A quiet voice caught me off guard.

I turned, book still in hand, to see three girls standing awkwardly near the W-Z section of Social Sciences. They looked a little young to be browsing up here, but I reserved my judgements. “Yes, how may I help you today?” I flashed my customer service smile.

The girl in the middle opened her mouth before snapping it shut again. The one on the left nudged her, giving her a look of slight impatience. Odd.

“Are… are you…” She attempted again.

Now the one on the right shook her head and pushed herself forward. “Are you Rowena Porter?”

I felt my heart begin to stutter, my stomach clench. “Excuse me?”

“Rowie…” the girl in the middle whispered, “she likes to be called Rowie.”

“Whatever,” she shrugged, “are you Rowie Porter?”

“I’m sorry,” my cheeks felt hot and I could feel my hands starting to shake, “but I’m afraid I can’t help you with that.”

The girl on the right took a couple steps toward me, clearly she was the most confident of the three. “Harry Styles has been seen coming here a lot lately. And then I remembered reading on Twitter that you work here. Has he been visiting you? Are you back together?”

My breath hitched. Harry was here? When? Why? Was it to see me? Surely out of all the Waterstones in London he wouldn’t choose this one for his bookish needs. It can’t be a mere coincidence.

The three girls stared at me expectantly, as if I was about to really about to reveal some intimate, albeit non-existent, love-life details. I placed the book in my hand on the shelf adjacent to me and took a steading breath. “I’m sorry girls, but Rowena quit working here a while back. I’m afraid I can’t help you any more than that.”

“Oh, so you just happen to look like her?” The girl challenged.

“Coincidence.”

“But--”

“Look,” my tone had become considerably more clipped, “if you have any book related questions I am happy to help you out. Otherwise I need to continue on with my job.” I picked up the half-empty box of Philosophy books that still needed unpacking and headed down the aisle and away from the girls. I prayed that they weren’t following me. It took every ounce of my self-control to not completely blow up at them and tell them, in the nicest way possible, to sod off. But now I was throwing all my focus into not breaking down in the middle of the Greek and Roman Classics section.

I pounded down the three flights of stairs, determined to hold myself together to at least the back storage area. My head was swimming, like I had just thrown back five consecutive shots of Jäger, and my face prickling with sweat.

Just as I was about the push past the registers, my unstable hands got the better of me and I dropped the box, the books tumbling out. “Shit.” I scrambled onto my knees to pile the books back up but tears began to blur my vision and I could feel the stares of customers. Keep it together. Keep it together. Keep it together.

“Rowie, are you okay?”

A pair of hands shot out and began haphazardly throwing the books back into the box. The hands belonged to Will, one of my co-workers and probably one of the only people I considered an actual friend on staff. I sat back, letting him collect the last few books, and willed my hands to stop trembling and for my tears to not spill over. Will stood and lifted the box up and behind the counter before offering me his hand. I hoped he couldn’t feel the stickiness of perspiration on my palms. “Alright?”

I shook my head. “I need to go.”

His eyebrows furrowed in obvious concern. “Do you want me to call someone? You look shaken up… What happened?”

Again, I shook my head. “Who’s on today?”

“Mara.” One small win, she was the kindest of all the store managers. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind my early departure.

“Can you please just tell her I had a family emergency or something. I really need to get out of here.” I pushed past Will, past the registers, and burst through the back storage area doors.

“Is this because of Harry?” I hadn’t realised Will had followed me.

I whirled back around meeting his worried gaze. “What?”

“He was here... A few days ago.” He spoke cautiously, he could clearly tell I was on the verge of breaking. “He asked for you.”

“And you didn’t tell me?”

“Rowie, why would I? Look at the state of you right now, I wasn’t about to do that to you.”

I squeezed my eyes shut, counted to 10, and forced myself to take some calming breaths. Anything to stop the rising panic. “You did the right thing,” I spoke finally. I could see Will let out a small breath in relief. “I still need to deal with this though, please tell Mara for me.”

“Row--”

“No,” I cut him off before he could go on his usual tirade of why my ex is not worth my time, something that I normally do appreciate. “Just… Let me deal with this. I’ll talk to you later.”

Will pursed his lips, I could tell that he was struggling to keep his opinions quiet. He merely turned and walked back out to the store front. I knew he wasn’t happy, but that was something I needed to push aside for now.

I turned and made my way to the staff locker and retrieved my bag. Time to face the music. I grabbed my phone. The screen lit as I brought it to view. Four messages. All from that same number. My thumb hovered over the notification, my stomach churning at the thought of what could be contained in those four messages. I unlocked my phone.

+44 7106 555555

(7:42 am): Rowie, I know you don’t want to hear from me but can you please give me a call. Harry.

(8:09 am): Please Row

(8:47 am): im desperate

(8:48 am): i need you.

I stared at the four little blue bubbles, unable to process them. A weird sense of calm had blanketed me. My previously hammering heart had slowed, my hands were still, my breath even. Almost robotically, I dropped my phone back into my bag and made a beeline straight out of Waterstones and into the chaos of Gower Street.

im desperate. i need you. im desperate. i need you. im desperate. i need you. im desperate. i need you.

The words flashed over and over in my mind with my every footfall. My thoughts wandered to every possible scenario as to what he could need. A jostle from a stranger awoke me from my abstraction and I realised I was already on the Euston Square platform. A train had just pulled up, my train I confirmed when I glanced over at the schedule. I quickly slipped on just as the doors closed and found a free seat. I sat rigidly, the sway of the carriage slowly pulling me back into my spiralling thoughts.

****

It felt like time was moving funny. My usual 25 minute journey felt like it was over in less than 5. The encounter with those girls this morning felt like it happened hours ago when it has barely been over an hour. That weird sense of calm I felt earlier was ebbing away and I could feel the panic begin to nestle it’s way back in. And the crowded train platform wasn’t helping me to keep my impending panic attack at bay. I needed a voice of reason, someone to help guide me through. I needed Jules.

I moved with the commuters but reached into my bag for my phone, praying she would be awake. Just as I unlocked my phone though, it began vibrating. Jules’ name appeared on the screen; what are the chances. I answered immediately.

“Oh, Rowie. Thank god,” Jules’ breathless voice greeted me, “I thought you wouldn’t pick up because of work.”

“Yeah, I was there but I left. I was just about to ring you actually. Is everything alright with you?” I tapped my Oyster card against the scanner, keen to get away from the claustrophobic nature of the London Underground.

“Wait, where are you now?”

“Just got off the tube, heading home. There was… An incident at work.” I finally stepped out on the street, the fresh air felt good.

“Home?! Oh god. Listen Rowie, I’m so sorry but I didn’t know what to do.”

Jules sounded truly panicked now, enough for me to stop my brisk walking pace and throw all my attention into the call. “What do you mean you didn’t know what to do? What is going on?”

“It’s-- It’s Harry.”

My stomach dropped, for the umpteenth time today. “Is he okay?”

“I don’t know! He rang me, I don’t even know how he has my number. He was asking for you, but he didn’t sound right. He had been to your flat, your old one though, didn’t even know you had moved.” Of course he doesn’t, he wouldn’t know anything that has happened to me in the past two years. “I wasn’t sure if it was an emergency, I didn’t know how to help.”

“It’s okay, you did the right thing by talking to him.”

“No, Rowie I-- Oh, I told him where you live now. Row, I think he’s waiting for you there.”

****

The last time I counted, it had been 643 days since I had seen Harry in person. That’s just over two years. And it has essentially taken me up until now to feel that sense of normalcy return which I craved back when I first ended our relationship. But seeing him sat on my flat’s front step, even from a distance, made me realise that no amount of time is going to stop that visceral, all-consuming feeling he has always given me.

He was hunched over, a beanie pulled down tight over his curls. It wasn’t even cold out yet, but I assume he’s wearing it to stay somewhat hidden. He fiddled with his phone and then tucked it away, tugged at the sleeves of the black sweater he was wearing, clasped and unclasped his hands. I could tell he was nervous. And judging from the twitches of my hands, so was I.

I crossed the street and approached him cautiously. He was so consumed with his thoughts he didn’t even hear me approach. I cleared my throat, crossing my arms in a way to steel myself.

Harry’s head jerked up, recognition immediately flooding his muted green eyes. “Rowie…” He stood. I forgot how tall he was.

“Hello, Harry.” I spoke quietly. I was surprised my tone hid my tumbling emotions so well.

“It’s…” he exhaled, “it’s so good to see you.”

I rolled my lips and nodded slowly, unsure of what to say.

“Can I come up?”

No, no, no, no. My flat was one of my only Harry-free zones. No memories were attached. Everything had been removed that reminded me of him. Seeing him up there now would bring up a slew of problems. “I don’t think that would be best,” I spoke carefully. I was still trying to gauge where he was at mentally right now; he seemed off.

“You know I wouldn’t normally insist but I think it would be best. If someone spots me here you’re gonna be dealing with… Well you know the routine.”

He was right. And especially after what happened this morning, the last thing I need is more obsessive fans waiting outside my flat. “Fair enough.”

I unfolded my arms and grabbed my keys from my bag. Harry followed me up the few steps and watched as I unlocked the door. My hands visibly shook as I twisted the key. I know he noticed but he said nothing. In silence, we walked up the four flights of stairs and down the hall to flat 408. I let us in, promptly locking the door behind us.

My current flat was quite different from the one Harry had known. Paying my way through a Masters degree and some other unexpected financial problems at home had forced me to downsize, coupled with the fact that I was desperate to leave those walls which were filled to the brim with memories of us.

I watched as Harry’s eyes scanned the space - the cramped kitchen with the leaky tap, the speckled counter that doubled as a dining table, the IKEA sofa I had picked up on sale last winter. I knew my living space was a stark contrast to what Harry was likely used to and I couldn’t take his scrutinising gaze any longer. I knew my somewhat cool exterior was beginning to crack, the unwanted feelings of anxiety pushing to burst through and consume me. I needed some relief.

I left Harry standing awkwardly near the doorway and stepped into the kitchen. Dumping my bag on the counter, I began searching through the drawers for what I knew I needed. I was beginning to feel light-headed again, my whole body falling prey to the shakes. Tucked snuggly next to a half-used pack of Panadol and some Strepsils was the bottle I was searching for. The safety cap proved too difficult for my unsteady fingers though. I let out a small groan of frustration.

“You need a hand?” Harry carefully took the bottle from my hands, expertly twisting the top off. He handed it back, but not before peeking at the label, something I wish he didn’t do. “Alprazolam? Isn’t that--”

“Xanax, yes.” I tossed back two pills dry, desperate for their calming effect.

“Oh. Uh, you should be careful with those. They can be addictive and--”

“Yes, I know that Harry,” I snapped. “Not that it’s any of your business but they’ve been prescribed and I only take them when the situation calls for it.”

My abrupt tone took Harry by surprise, judging from the way he shifted away from me. I could see he was chewing on the inside of his cheek, unsure of what to say. I felt a twinge of guilt at my unwarranted outburst.

“It helps with my panic attacks,” I said quietly after a few moments. “I haven’t had a full blown attack in a while though. I’m good at knowing the signs now. Shaky hands, erratic heart rate, feeling faint.”

He nodded slowly. “I didn’t know… How long have you been dealing with them?”

I sighed heavily. I knew Harry wasn’t going to like my answer. “I had my first one in 2015. They were at their worst in 2016 though. That’s when I got medical help.”

“2015… Wait…” I watched as Harry connected the dots. I moved out of the kitchen and towards the sofa, as if putting some distance between us would soften the blow of seeing his reaction. “That’s when we were together. You were having panic attacks and didn’t even tell me?!”

“They weren’t a big deal, I didn’t want to worry you.”

Harry ripped his beanie off and slammed it down on the kitchen counter. I jumped, both at the sound and Harry’s sudden, extreme mood change. “God, Rowie,” he spat bitterly, “I was your fucking boyfriend. I was supposed to worry about you. To help you!”

“It was almost 4 years ago Harry—“

“So?!” He cut me off. “I had some right to know what you were dealing with!”

I could feel my face heating up, not due to panic but because of anger this time. “What I was dealing with? What I was dealing with? You wouldn’t have been able to understand Harry.”

“Try me.”

“You were born for this life Harry, an entertainer at heart able to bounce through life without worrying about what millions of people around the world think of you. But not me. Seeing my name, my personal life, splashed across social media and in news articles. People commenting about me, online and in person. People saying I don’t deserve you. I couldn’t handle it anymore.”

Harry’s hands were clenched on the counter, frustration radiating off him. “For two years I have sat and analysed every facet of our relationship, wandering what I did wrong. Repeated that day you ended everything over and over. I wrote a whole fucking album for you.”

“I didn’t ask you to,” I interjected harshly.

“And if you had just told me these things at the time I could’ve helped you through it. Together, like a couple is supposed to!”

I shook my head. “I did what had to be done. It was the right thing for us. And for you.”

“No, it wasn’t. You broke my heart, Rowena.” His voice broke and I felt the sting of tears in my eyes. I was rendered speechless. My full name hung in the air between us, an uncomfortable silence smothering the room. It seems silly to be caught off guard by my own name, but I’ve never heard him say it. I’ve always been Rowie, his Rowie.

As we both stood there, kitchen counter separating us, staring but remaining unmoving, I felt as though I was truly seeing Harry for the first time today. With the beanie off I could see his hair looked unusually unkempt, his curls limp as though they needed a good wash. His skin had broken out, which I knew only happened when he was stressed, and the dark circles under his eyes confirmed that suspicion. His hands which were always adorned with an assortment of rings were bare. Even his clothes looked disheveled. This wasn’t the Harry I knew standing before me.

“Harry…” I said softly, breaking the silence, “what’s really going on? Why did you need to see me?”

I watched as he hunched over the counter, resting his head in his hands. His fingers twined into his hair, gripping at the root. As he ran his hands through the flat curls, he brought his gaze up to meet mine. His eyes had filled with tears and I felt that immediate pang in my heart.

Without inhibition, I joined Harry back in the kitchen and gathered him up in my arms, bringing his head down to the crook of my neck. As I stroked the nape of his neck, I felt his arms twist around my waist and pull me tight. I knew he wasn’t crying, but I could feel every ounce of emotion through his embrace. And suddenly I felt at peace, and not because of the meds. I hated that it felt so right to be here in this moment, that the one thing that could stabilise me was the thing I drove away years ago.

Harry loosened his grip and I took it as a sign to pull away slightly. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

I furrowed my brows in confusion. “For what? I’m the one who should be apologising for being shitty and leaving without a proper explanation.”

“I should’ve seen it, the struggles you were having. You’re right, this life can be hard. And it was silly of me to just assume that you were coping with it fine. You say that I don’t worry about what people think of me, I don’t. But that’s after years of me being so caught up in it. I had to learn to ignore and move past the crap.”

“I should have told you though…” I said softly.

He drew his hands away from my waist, instead clasping my own hands in his and bringing them up to his chin. I felt the softest graze of his lips as he stared down at me, my heart skittered ever so slightly. “I really miss you, Row. Everyday.”

I nodded, unsure if I could trust myself to string together a coherent sentence.

He sighed heavily, dropping my hands and taking a step back to lean against my oven. I immediately missed the contact. “In 47 days I’m supposed to be announcing my upcoming album. Which means I have about 42 days to get the tracks laid. The first instance of them anyways.” I watched as he rubbed his eyes with his thumb and index finger. “And I am so fucking lost.”

I still stood quietly, unsure of what I could really say. Words of encouragement from me right now would surely feel superficial to him.

“God, last time I struggled to cut down the track list. I had such a backlog of material, it was mental.”

I knew I had some role to play with that. Breaking up with someone just as they were about to embark on launching a solo career would result in an abundance of inspiration.

“And this time I have nothing…” he continued on. “Everything I write is utter shite, and the pressure from the label isn’t helping.”

“Push back the announcement then,” I finally spoke.

He laughed, without humor though. “If only it was that easy Rowie. You remember what it was like when I was in the band, the label asking for a new record every bloody year. That was considered feasible as there were five of us. Now according to them, going beyond a 2 year break between records is ‘not recommended’.”

I snorted, and Harry looked at me questioningly. “Seriously? That’s crap. How many artists have been MIA for years and still come back with another best-selling album. Harry, you’re underestimating your talents a little I think. This isn’t like your early years of One Direction where you guys had to pump out content in order to stay relevant. You’ve put in the hard yards and made your mark, you are here to stay.”

A flicker of a smile appeared on his lips. It gave me the confidence to continue on.

“You could literally release an album that consisted primarily of whale and dolphin calls and it would number one on release day.”

That got a laugh out of him. “Not sure if the label would like that though.”

I approached him slowly. “Well, I would love it. In fact, I’ve already got it pre-ordered on iTunes and saved on my Spotify.” I stood toe to toe with Harry, my fingers reaching out to the hem of his sweater. It was taking all of my self-restraint to not stretch up and trace his jawline, to comb back his hair with my fingers.

Instead, Harry seized the opportunity. Cautiously, he placed his hand to the side of my face. I melted into his touch. His lips parted ever so slightly before rolling them together, his telltale sign that he wanted to kiss me but was unsure.

“It’s okay,” I barely whispered out. I rolled up onto my toes, bringing my arms around his neck before pressing my lips against his. It felt as though no time had passed; we were in sync immediately, our mouths moving with familiarity. I raked my nails up through his hair and he mirrored by running his down my sides.

But as sudden as we had fallen back into routine, Harry pulled away. I couldn’t help a small sound of detest escape my mouth. “Shit,” he mumbled. He unlatched my arms from around his neck and pressed them back into my chest. “I shouldn’t… I know this isn’t what you want.” He sidestepped me and moved as far away from me as possible, which was only a few meters as that’s all my flat would allow.

“Who are you to say what I do and don’t want?” I challenged.

“You just told me the enormous toll our relationship had on you mentally. And I didn’t come here to try and win you back.”

I suddenly felt like I had been used. “So, what? You have no inspiration to write some songs so you come and see me, dredge up old problems, and then run off to the studio? Is that all I am to you now? A muse of emotional trauma?”

His eyes widened. “Jesus Rowie, of course not! I needed to see you because I knew you would be a voice of reason for me. Every person that I have spoken to about this album just doesn't get it. They’re all too… I don’t know. Too close to the project? They all just think I have a bit of writer’s block. My mum told me to clear my head by taking a walk in a bloody forest or something!”

I leant back, taking up the same position against my oven that Harry held minutes earlier. “How can my opinion even mean anything? I don’t know what’s gone on with you for the past 2 and a bit years.”

“And yet, I’ve felt more at ease here with you this past hour than I have for the past 6 months.”

“What, my 3 sentences of encouragement have instantly filled you with the creative juices you’ve been craving?”

“I wish,” Harry chuckled. “But your sense of assurance helps.”

I was about to respond when the buzz of a phone interrupted me. It sounded muffled, so I knew it was coming from my bag which lay forgotten at the end of the counter. It was most likely Jules, checking in to see if I’m alright.

“That’s probably a sign that I should go.” He collected his beanie that he had thrown down earlier and shoved it back on his head, paying no attention to the way it smushed some curls flat against his forehead. “Again, I’m sorry to barge in on you like this. I appreciate that you gave me the chance to talk though.” He jerked forward, unsure if we should hug goodbye or if he should just leave. I made the decision easier for him by crossing the kitchen and wrapping my arms around his waist. Pressing my ear to his chest I could hear the steady thump of his heart, a sound that I have fallen asleep to countless times. I felt Harry press his lips to the top of my head. This hug felt different, like a proper goodbye hug. Not ‘see you later’, but goodbye.

We pulled apart, locking eyes for one last time. “Good luck with everything,” I murmured.

“I’ll let you know when the Harry Styles featuring Whale and Dolphin album will be dropping.”

I let out a shaky laugh before moving around him to unlock the door. He stepped out, gave me one last smile, and turned to walk down the hall. I watched him walk until he disappeared from view, he didn’t turn back once.

That goodbye felt like it was the final closure we both needed, that now we could finally move on with our lives and be relatively happy. Maybe now I could hear and see his name and not feel a clench in my stomach. Or have those cluey fans find me and not dissolve into a puddle of panic.

But despite all these prospects, I knew it wasn’t the ending I wanted. Or the ending I really needed. My feet moved without warrant. I picked up speed, pounded down the stairs almost tripping over. I saw him, he had just stepped out of the building and down the steps. I burst through the door and he spun around, eyes wide with surprise.

“Stay.” I puffed out.

He blinked. Once, twice. “What?”

“I’m asking you to stay,” I descended the front steps and joined Harry on the footpath. “I just did the most cliché, rom-com thing and chased after you to ask you to stay. I mean, all that is missing right now is some rain and we would have the perfect scene.”

He laughed.

“Please, I’m serious.”

“Rowie, after what you said we can’t get back together. We--”

“After what I said we should be getting back together.”

Harry looked at me puzzled.

“I’m not going to be a prat now and try to shoulder all the pressure. I was stupid to not trust that you could help me in the first place. And I’ve gotten better at managing the anxiety.”

He was quiet for a while, staring down at me. I was desperate for something, even just a graze of his hand for reassurance. I was about to revoke the offer, feeling that maybe I had misread the situation, but he finally responded. “Are you sure? I don’t want you… I don’t want you to get hurt again.”

“So sure that I ran down four flights of stairs and almost broke a leg for you.”

We both grinned before Harry pulled me in for a kiss. It was short and sweet but felt like home all the same.

“Let’s go up.” I said once we had broken apart.

“Oh… Uh... Actually,” Harry stammered. Oh god, have I suddenly been to forward or something? “I really need to swing by the studio. My phone has basically been in airplane mode all day and I was supposed to be there for a session at 10 am. I’ve been off the grid without even telling anyone.” He bit his lip, obviously unsure of how I would react.

“Go,” I said with a smile. Sure, the timing was crappy but I knew he would be back.

“I’ll be back,” he said as though he had just read my mind. “I’ll bring dinner tonight. Some thai food? Panang curry with fried rice?”

I smiled. He remembered my order. “Don’t forget--”

“Extra green beans in the curry.” He placed his hand on my cheek, bending down slightly to press a kiss to my forehead. “I’ll see you soon.”

And with that, he turned and began walking up the street, his phone pressed to his ear. No doubt he was finally responding to some very concerned people on his whereabouts. I watched him until turned the corner at the end of the block. I continued to stand there on the footpath outside my flat feeling calm, finally feeling at peace.

It almost seemed silly that this morning Harry Styles was the catalyst for a tumultuous amount of negative emotion, and yet my Harry was the one that was able to calm the storm and ground me.

I suppose I should thank him for that. I’ll do it when he comes home.

#1dff #exchanges

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