#if you're wondering where i've been i'm too depressed most days to talk to people

[ritterdoodles]

Something I drew for the Celeste TAS Speedrun for the recent SGDQ run 🍓

Trans Rights!

#celeste #sgdq2023 #my art #ritte draws stuff #i don't know how to tag this sorry lol #also hiii :) #if you're wondering where i've been i'm too depressed most days to talk to people #oops

[snenbubs]

I've been reading your work for a while now and the way you write for Mammon is amazing, you're definitely my favourite writer for him. So I was wondering if you aren't too busy if could you please write breakup headcanons for mammon

HELLO! Thank you so, so much!!! It means so much to me that you enjoy what I write! Most of it is my delerious train of thought at like 1am so im honestly shocked at the amount of support ive been getting!

ANYWAYS, ONTO THE HCS!

HB MAMMON X GN!READER, BREAKUP HCS

I'm assuming you meant like, if you broke up with Mammon? If thats not what u meant just send in another anon! I wont mind :3

- Okay, first of all, how dare you?

- He is, the Mammon. You don't just decide when things are over!

- You were smart enough to break it off with him over text, rather than in person, because he absolutely would throw a scene. No matter where you are, public or private. Think Sarah Lynn level shit.... like, literally stabbing himself, in public, to prove a point.

- What is the point? That he loves you!

- He's especially pissed off about the fact that you broke it off with him though. It bruised his ego, he would much, much prefer it if he had been the one to have broken up with you. He would have never done that though.

- He would go through the five stages of grief 100%

- For the first few days he's in DEEP denial about it. He'd go about life as though the two of you were still together, even though you weren't there.

- Pretending that you were on a work trip or something really helped. It gave him a sense of hope that one day you'd return to him, and he'd feel your warm body embraced against his once again.

- But you and Mammon were a big public thing, like, everyone knew about you. So, people started to notice your absence. Where you would always be by his side now bore an empty pocket of air. People started questioning it;

- From simple posts online to 666News interviews asking him invasive questions regarding your lack of publicity. It pissed him right off, because he couldn't pretend you were still with him whilst constantly being reminded that you weren't.

- And then you spoke up about the breakup.

- You made a Tweet regarding the status of your relationship. Que the next stage...

- With the world now aware of your distanced status Mammon was bombarded with crude comments and remarks, from your fans and haters, to his fans and haters. It'd range from "Wow Mammon fumbled the bag hard." to "Now that Mammon is single do you think he'll start letting groupies backstage ?"

- He actually refused to show up to a lot of interviews and talk-shows because every single time theu brought up the headline, he would get so, so angry. He's almost torn through an interviewer once or twice.

- His bargaining phase was the absolute worst phase though.

- Thousands of calls a day, and an equal level of voice messages followed by hundreds of texts. You'd block his number and then BAM, another number calls you. He manipulates the phone manufacturer of Hell to give him an unlimited free supply of phones so expect him to not let up in that department.

- You know that meme where the person is stood outside the door, crying, with an umbrella over their head and fake rain over them. That's him.

- He gets Beelzebub to provide the fake rain and probably prepared a whole speech to recite to you... its not that good though, most of it is deflective bullshit. He wont take his own problems into account at all.

- If you don't take him back after that then he may even resort to the old boombox by the window trick.

- I don't think he'd hit the depression or acceptance stages of grief, though. He's a tempermental character and he resorts to anger if something doesn't go his way. So the traits he shows through this whole ordeal is frustration and desperation.

- He has a strict victim complex too. So he's most likely never going to understand what he did wrong in the relationship.

- Even if he did realise what he did however, he isn't apologising. He expects you to understand and forgive him despite this.

-It would take him a long while to get over you.

-You were one of the only people who would put up with his shitty personality, who could make him feel so loved and adored. It had been a long, long time since someone had made him feel such a way. It was such a fleeting experience, and he will not be recovering from the loss of your love any time soon.

This is a little short, so I do apologise! I hope you enjoy it anon :)

#helluva boss x reader #mammon hb #mammon hb x reader #hb mammon #mammon helluva boss #hb mammon x reader #headcannons #breakup headcannons

[gentlebeardsbarngrill]

Hi 👋

Since you said it's ok to reach out, please don't mind me dumping my thoughts on the cancellation news :

OFMD and it's fandom, even though I'm very much a lurker, is so important to me. The last few years have been really chaotic and not in a good way. My life has turned out very different from what I've imagined and I've had to give up many of the things that brought me joy.

The doses of serotonin I got from OFMD and its fandom, even by just scrolling tumblr a few mins, made all the difference to keep me going. Now I'm sad and a bit fearful that life is going to be that little bit harder, and that I've lost something to look forwards to.

I'm sad for the cast and crew and the fandom too. And depressed thinking about the future of art. I have a hard time imagining a positive future, both on a global and personal level, and I fear corporate bullshit is ruining human creativity and storytelling.

I am grateful though to cast, crew and fandom. We really got something so special with OFMD. I feel a bit guilty for not having the time and energy to contribute much, and I was hoping that if season 3 had happened, I would by then have had more to give.

Thanks for everything you do for the fandom 💕

Hi friend! Ooo I love your icon btw. Yes please! My dms and asks are always open (sometimes I'm a bit late getting back to them because of time differences and crazy work situations but I do try to get back to you within 24 hrs, especially now!)

Can I just say, I really appreciate you sharing this with me and the crew? I know it's really hard to talk about these kinds of things, especially when you're already feeling upset, and I am so honored you felt safe enough to share it.

First, and foremost, I totally get that guilty feeling, like you didn't have time to do enough. But you know what? You did plenty. You were here lurking, and participating in the background. Not all of us have enough spoons to do crazy things every day to support our show, and that is 100% okay. The fact that you kept yourself going is exactly what needed to happen, and I'm so glad you found some solace in the OFMD fandom. The most important thing is you are here with us, and you're getting something good out of this wonderful community.

The situation seems dire right now, I know. It's so hard because it feels like "Well maybe if we just did x more" it would be enough, but the hard truth of it is, it wouldn't. You are right, the corporate greed out there is ruining human creativity and storytelling. However-- I think this is a wonderful opportunity for us to keep fighting the good fight for exactly those things.

Every piece of art... or fic... or cosplay, or drink or any creation really, inspired by the show has the power to fuel creativity in others. We are creative creatures, and I know I, like you, had given up for a long time many of the things that brought me joy. This community, this fandom, this show, is fueled by creativity, and love and joy and inclusivity, and that is a beautiful thing, and that is certainly not gone. Even if we don't get an s3 now or ever-- that spark, that inspiration is still there in all of us. They can't take away the way that show made us feel.

You feelings on worrying life is going to be a bit worse are absolutely valid hon. I spent all yesterday afternoon crying my damn eyes out because I felt like I finally had something I could continue to support and fight for, and that I may have had some semblance of control over and it was taken away. Your grief and fear are so damn valid. I'm also feeling very strongly about "I have a hard time imagining a positive future, both on a global and personal level". I'm lucky to be a part of a community where when I expressed those same concerns people gave me some great ways to help cope and put my energy into. @celluloidbroomcloset passed on this nugget: "So I've got friends who are, like, Activists with a capital A, and from what they've said a good place to direct efforts when you feel helpless is at local levels. Can be politics, homeless advocacy, queer orgs, environmental, etc. or other orgs within your area, etc. Because a lot of change can happen more easily at the local level and you can engage with people more readily in those spaces and make a difference. It breaks down the bigger issues into something more manageable with real, visible outcomes." Please know friend, you're not alone in these fears, we're all feeling them right now, and I'm really happy you felt like you could reach out and talk about them. If you wanna talk more please feel free to DM me. Thank you for all your kind words to the community and the cast & crew too, I know they need it just as much as we do at the moment. You are a super human <3 Take care and get some rest, and when you feel up for it, please come back to us and keep loving the things in this fandom :) We're all still here.

#asks #asks love #rita-toille #ofmd

[catboybiologist]

Hello, I've heard from a few trans women that their transition made higher education impossible I wasn't sure if they were talking about college or grad school, but since you're a woman in a PhD program I was wondering if you think transitioning would make getting a higher education harder.

Thanks

Someone who might be trans that wants to pursue a master's

Hm. This is weird to answer. Unfortunately I can't offer TOO much insight here. I'm very much a baby trans (~1.5 months HRT) and I present as a man day to day without issue (seriously, y'all have NO idea how masculine I look outside of my pictures). When I do finally socially transition, I'll probably have more thoughts.

With that out of the way, here's my personal experience so far:

I don't think I would have transitioned if I was NOT in academia/pursuing my PhD. I think most of the issues people run into can be divided into three categories:

1. Financial difficulty with acquiring HRT or other gender affirming care

2. Closer ties (financially and emotionally) to family and being seen less as an independent adult means greater pressure to not transition, and consequences if you do

3. Academic stress and pressure while you're undergoing emotional changes that may make things difficult short term.

Personally I was able to dodge most of those issues.

A huge part of this is because I spent a lot of time meticulously ensuring a lot of aspects of my life are in place before I started HRT. I waited until I was out of undergrad, which has weirder finances, I scoped out options at my student health center vs in the community, established queer community, waited a year to start in a good lab and establish there, scoped that lab out for queer acceptance before I joined, and in general became more financially and emotionally secure. Also, while I'm still in good terms with my parents, I'm not financially or emotionally reliant on them anymore- so if that changes when I come out, it won't affect me as much.

Looking back, it's hard to say whether I would recommend doing things this way. During the time that I was "figuring things out", I was dying. I was depressed and aimless, and I couldn't make happiness or contentment my baseline emotion. Starting an online femboy account was my only outlet for a while. Also, my results are going to be less drastic now that I've waited until I'm 25 to start.

Obviously, I still have the stress of a PhD to worry about while my emotions and body are changing. But to be honest.... My PhD has been kinder to me academically than my undergrad. All of my goals center around two or three long term, overarching projects instead of a million tiny assignment and study snippets from a million directions. I personally think this is easier to manage even if it's more work overall.

In return, the academia environment has been good to me about my queerness. There's a gender care specialist on campus via student health where I can get HRT, queer organizations and events are much easier to come by in a university environment, and people on average are far more educated and open minded towards LGBT issues than the general public. I have a role in the main queer graduate student group here, and it would have been hard for me to find explicitly supportive friends without that.

I'm gonna throw an additional paranoid note your way: a master's degree is hell for everyone. While the exact ways in which this is true vary from program to program, but in general, they feel like the worst of both worlds from undergrad and a PhD. You're locked out of or have less of a chance for the financial stability and employment positions of a PhD position, but you're also locked out of the financial aid and support of undergrads. I'm very biased from a miserable MS experience, though.

So yeah. I think my experience has been different than a lot of people, but I hope there was some small insight there!

#trans #transfemme #transitioning #academia #transgender

[lastoneout]

you absolutely do not need to respond if you don't want to but how does the "everything feels worse because i'm finally healing" differ from "everything feels worse because things really are that bad currently"? i always wonder if there's a way to tell them apart. glad you're getting recovering!

Imo the difference so far, is that back when I was still in an unsafe place that was making my trauma worse, between the hysterical sobbing meltdowns I just felt so....normal. I would freak out and break sometimes, but after that I would feel weirdly fine. Or even at times like I didn't have emotions at all? It was like my brain was going "there is no war in ba sing se" to protect me and keep me from freaking out too bad, and like it kinda was! My major coping mechanism has always been ignoring my emotions and shoving them all in a box until they aren't bothering me anymore. And when I was in those shitty situations that was helpful, because I needed to keep myself alive and I wasn't going to be able to do that if I was a sobbing mess all the time.

Also, the one time it got really, really bad, like I was so deep in a traumatic situation it was clearly just completely destroying me, I really did feel like that part in Inside Out where Riley's console just goes dark and none of her emotions can press any buttons. There was this overwhelming sense of dread and misery, and I could barely take care of myself at all. I stopped going to school and showering and I barely ate anything, I didn't talk to my friends, and tbh I did some stuff that I am SUPER not proud of, bcs my brain legit wasn't working at all, and it wasn't until I got out that I started feeling like a person again.

The pain of healing never feels like that. Yes, I am in a bad mental space a lot of the time, I'm depressed and I have nightmares that make me legit so depressed I spend the whole day crying, but there's like...idk this undercurrent of function and focus that wasn't there before. I can keep doing things WHILE being sad(for the most part), instead of only being able to function when I am repressing everything. And tbh it really does feel like I don't have a choice in the matter, which sounds bad but it's kinda nice? Like my brain is done repressing things and isn't going to let me do it anymore. Every time I try it's almost like there's a firm but kind voice in my head saying "no, we can't do that anymore, you have to face this, it's okay".

It's kinda weird too bcs the deeper into healing I get the less my old coping mechanisms help. Hell most of them don't even work anymore. As an example my mom got into a car wreck recently and she was in the hospital for a while, and when I found out I tried to go into my "no feelings no nonsense we have to be strong now" mode, but it didn't work?? I spent the whole time I was there crying, and like!! I actually was happy I was crying!! Because I've never been able to do that!! It's such a weird thing to be happy I'm upset but like, it means I'm making progress.

And that makes every single moment of misery bearable because I know I need this. I've needed this my entire life, and it hurts and is scary, and sometimes I do have to just zone out and play video games or spend a day in bed being sad, but I just...know it's the right thing. Idk how else to explain it, I just know.

It also helps that now I know what a happy, safe life looks like and I know it's there waiting for me. I know this work is worthwhile because I don't want to live my life the way I used to. And I am in a happy, supportive relationship that actively inspires me to work on myself and be a better person. I know not everyone has that, but framing it in a way where I am trying to be better not just for myself but for the people I love helps give me that extra bit of strength I need to keep going.

Anyway this is kinda rambly, sorry, but I did want to answer. If anyone else has any advice for anon feel free to add it on!! I have to go to therapy now lmao but when I'm done if I think of anything else I'll add it!

#long post #ask to tag #personal #okay to rb

[hier--soir]

hi dude. i’m sorry if this is overstepping a boundary or anything, and if you’re not comfortable sharing please absolutely delete this ask, but i just wondered if you had any advice for getting through the old d*pr*ssion. i’m really struggling right now and i’m too fucking anxious to reach out to anyone for help, just wondered if you had any words of wisdom?

your writing fucking blows my mind btw. i am honored to exist at the same time as u to witness how insanely talented you are 🤍 cheers to u

hey legend! [this is long as fuck my bad]

you wanna know something super impressive? that thing you mention that's really hard, that thing that makes us all so anxious sometimes, that sometimes fucked up sometimes painful sometimes shameful thing called reaching out ? you just did it by sending me this, and i'm pretty proud of you dude.

depression is by no means fun and games, and i'm really sorry you're struggling. i know all too well how isolating it can be. how dark it can feel. but these feelings are not forever. and these feelings are not who you are.

first, i hope it's okay that i share something that i think about all of the fucking time, that i resonate with, that i feel deep in the marrow of my bones. it's a talk wentworth miller gave at an Active Minds conference a few years back, about his experience living with and talking about depression.

“Sharing my story is, and has been, life saving for me. And it's scary, still. Because whenever I do it, whenever I write or talk about the things the younger me worked so hard, for so long, to keep quiet, whenever I find the courage to say 'yes, me too'... it's like opening a door and walking alone into a pitch-black room, and it's dark, and I have to feel my way, and it's frightening. And then I find the light switch, and I turn on the light, and I see I am surrounded. I see a room full of people. There are so many of us. In here, and out there."

there are so many of us my friend. you are not alone in this. you just need to turn on the light.

more under the cut x

something i've been doing for the past two years is journalling. i do it everyday, chicken-scrawling the most minute details and thoughts from my day. and in hard times, like the past month, i journal twice a day. i start it off in the morning with a few goals, or ideas, of what i'd like to do that day. super simple stuff. and at the end of the day, i write what i ended up actually doing. and whether or not i did or didn't achieve what i set out to do, i get to look at the beginning and end of my day and acknowledge the quietest and the loudest parts of it. it's sometimes bad and sometimes awful. but sometimes? it's great.

here's a pic of my journal one day like a fortnight ago [mind the handwriting lol]

i look back at this day and i think it was sunny, you felt love, you felt proud. and with everyday that passes after this one, i'm grateful to myself for making these entries. on days where it rains, where i do not feel love, where i do not feel proud - i look back and remember that it is possible. i've felt good things, fantastic wonderful things, and i will feel them again.

things like medication and talk therapy work for me but don't necessarily work for everyone, so i won't say these things are an end all be all. if you have the capacity, even reaching out to a doctor you feel comfortable with can help. it's worth expressing how you've been feeling and how it has been affecting parts of your life. to tell one person can feel like climbing a mountain, i know. but please trust me, the view at the top of that mountain??? fucking incredible.

if reaching out to someone in person still feels too tricky, you could access an anonymous hotline. in australia we have things like Headspace and BeyondBlue, where you can reach out over the phone or online chat and speak anonymously, for free. just get something off your chest, say anything you feel, say whatever is bubbling up with seemingly nowhere to go - to a stranger. i've accessed this kind of support before and found that it took a bit of weight of my shoulders - maybe this is something that could bring some relief to you as well. if people in other countries are aware of and willing to share their home country's version of this in the comments, that would be lovely. if not, that's also fine.

i hope this response has felt meaningful in some way for you, and not just a mess of ramblings..

i guess i’ll end this by saying i may not know you but best believe that i care for you. i believe in you, and i'm thinking about you, wherever you are. you'll get a special mention in my journal tomorrow morning x

#anon #tw mental health #tw depression #personal #very personal actually

[lesbiangummybearmafia]

Dear Void,

I'm not ok, I haven't been ok for a long time, I keep it myself, because no one has the time to care that I'm not ok. I keep going not being ok. I might be homeless soon if everything I've been working for with an apt falls through because I got some papers work in a couple of weeks too late. It could mean the difference between me having a roof over my head or not. I wasn't told there was an expiration date that I had to have the paperwork in by.

I've been crying on and off all day since I found out. Terrified that nothing can be done. I have to wait until tomorrow to see if I can speak to my case worker, who truthfully doesn't give a fuck about me. Not because of me but because she has too many cases, is over worked and under paid. She can't seem to actually care that's I'm human being this effects my real life because of reasons I mentioned. I don't want to talk to her if she just going to treat me like a case number and not an actual person. But I don't have much choice. I'm scared she just going to give me the company line so to speak. So I spent most of the day going in touch with anyone else I thought might help me outside that agency, figuring my case worker isn't going to anything, which I feel would be her reaction to any of us that have her as case worker.

I'm telling this to the void, because I don't really have anyone else. Because I'm tried of this being another moment in my life where I was just about to get to something positive, something I truly needed and wanted, where I could literally feel it, see it, almost touch it... only to have it ripped away from me fucking again.

For anyone wondering why people not like you get suicidal this why! I'm just... losing the tiny little itty bitty sliver of stupid hope I just built back up. That maybe just maybe it could be alright. That I could start fresh and that would be good.

But fuck I never get to start fresh I just get more and more and more crap dropped on my head, fall in another deep fucking hole I have to fucking climb out of. But first I have to get all this crap out of the way, then I start climbing, just as get to the top, I can see the light not all the light mind you just a little bit. It all started all over again... and so.

The issue now is I no longer have the strength to keep starting over at bottom of the hole. I just want it all to just stop. Unfortunately my depression makes it far too easy for me to think of ways of just stopping it all. I'm at one if moments where I'm having trouble remembering why I should stick around. If it's just going to be more of the same why bother.

Some would say call the suicide prevention line. Here's the thing about that line if you haven't had the need to ever call it. I don't know if due demand or what but they seem to want to get you the fuck off it as fast as possible. Which doesn't really work when one is feeling stressed and wanting to kill one's self! Unless I guess you're actually holding a gun to your head, their not exactly patient and too willing to listen. Which call me stupid but I'd think that would be the point not how exactly suicidal are you? Oh you're not that bad could you please get the fuck off the line! They will literally hurry you the fuck up once they know or at least think you're not going to off yourself. To me not really helpful, it's more something to be avoided it all cost!

Tonight though dear void. I'm going to take something to help me sleep, just sleep. Other wise I'm not going to be able to, because my anxiety has to so amped up. If nothing the sun will be up tomorrow right...

#dear void #im not okay #I'm not ok #mental health #depression #anxiety #feeling scared #just need sleep #maybe it will look better in the day light #do have my therapy appointment tomorrow

[felizusnavidad]

I am so close to putting my two weeks in without a job lined up.

I'm sorry but I honestly can't stand it here at this company anymore (it's retail); I like my coworkers and my manager when she's not micromanaging and being annoying, but it is very stagnant here and there is no growth beyond assistant manager. It's quite boring at times. I've come to hate talking to people too (mostly because we're forced to lol, and she is very on your a** about it.) I've been here since the fall of 2021. I've been applying to fashion and entertainment public relations agencies nonstop because creative marketing is what I want to do. I swear retail is the only industry that's hiring right now... I don't want to pursue retail management though, I want a 9-5 job that has the weekends + holidays off and where I can have fun and enjoy what I do, which is be creative. Teamwork, creative projects, collaborating... I want to marry my love for the fine arts and fashion industry together.

Sorry for the negativity, I just needed to let this out to someone, and that someone had to be you... :')

ok, wow, where do i start.

so first of all, i am actually flattered you chose me (although i am wondering why? i always thought i suck at giving advice but it's nice to know someone might have a different opinion). & second: i can't tell for sure but i feel like you wrote to me before, so we are basically friends at this point, no need to apologize 🤭

anon, quit your job. ok, that sounds scary & impulsive, but believe me or not, i was struggling with the same kind of thing last year. working in retail is probably the worst thing EVER, one customer can literally ruin your whole day, and, like you said, there is no growth in most places. once you quit your job, you are pretty much forced to look for something else (& that worked for me, cause i was too lazy before i quit but then i did so i had to), it's a risk but it's much better than suffering at your current place. it just makes you depressed... the only difference between us is that you actually know exactly what you want to do, i didn't (& i still don't, i'm just trying to find something that would be right for me lol), and this is already half the battle. and from what i can tell, you are working very hard to fulfill your dream & i'm sure everything is about to change for you pretty soon. i may know absolutely nothing about the industry you're talking about but if you can let yourself take a little break from working for a while to just breathe & maybe focus on what you really want to do & try a little bit more (and by that i mean: you're gonna have much more time to look for a job you want, so use it!), do it! this is what we need sometimes. and it has to work out eventually, right? i assume you are good at what you want to do & please don't you ever give up on that dream, it may take some time but someone will finally appreciate you, i'm sure of it.

be brave & you're gonna be fine. just breathe.

i don't know if any of this makes sense, i'm sorry, i'm pretty chaotic. but i believe in you & i wish you all the best, i truly hope you're gonna find what you're looking for.

#if it gave you a little bit of hope that's good #i didn't plan it to be so long so sorry #i have so many thoughts in my head #the point is you're gonna be fine #& sometimes quitting your job is the best decision because it stops you from so many things you could do #but also sometimes you just need to breathe #i am keeping my fingers crossed for you #i know you can do it #you are strong smart & brave #everything will be just fine #sending hugs 🫂 #daisy anon #i saved every letter you wrote me*

[breadstickysquid]

my thoughts on endless sunsets, from the pov of someone who is very mentally ill and has a partner they love with their entire heart (cw for talk of mental health and suicide):

so. ow. fuck. godamn. okay then. just MAKE me hurt like that.

i cannot formulate my thoughts coherently right now other than "AAAAHASIDSHFYDUUJIUWAAUUUUGHBBHBGBHGBBBAAAUUHHHH" but i'll do my damn best (beware, this all might be incomprehensible) AND KEEP IN MIND I'm not all caught up on the caimsey lore!!!

this hit me hard. really hard. from both the pov of c!quqqie and from c!aimsey (and all of their friends)

i've struggled with anxiety and depression for 6+ years now. i can't remember a time when i didn't struggle with my mental health.

I was doing really poorly in 2020. i was very depressed, isolated from most of my friends, and constantly behind in school. i was struggling, and at multiple points in the year i was very seriously (but didn't actually make plans) considering ending it all. i was tired.

early 2021 i finally joined twitter, to be able to interact with the mcyt fandom.

through twitter, i met the most important person in my life.

my best friend, my partner, my other half.

it's been far over 2 years since we've met now, and since i met them, my life has become so much better. we hang out of hours on vc, chat daily, and we just, get each other on a deeper level than anyone else i've met. It's cheesy, but I genuinely believe we're soulmates. For ages, we thought we were just best friends, until awhile ago when we realized we were actually queerplatonic, and since then, my days are full of the heartache that I have from just having. So much love for xem. When it's hard for me to see the beauty in life, they help me see it again. When they're feeling down, I'm there to pick them back up. I am theirs and they are mine, we are each other's better halves, together to the end.

A couple years ago, I wouldn't have expected to live past my 20s. Now, I can comfortably see myself growing old, and it's because of my partner.

I see me and my partner in caimsey and cquqqie, and it hits HARD.

I see c!sunshipduo as the world where me and my partner didn't communicate as well, and ended up being too scared of heartbreak after years of having loved ones abandon us, and cutting the relationship off before it could fully bloom.

I saw some people being like "woah, aimsey and quqqie sound so genuinely sad in their acting, thats really impressive. I wonder how" and I can tell you, watching Endless Sunsets, it... it broke me, thinking of me and my partner (or our half-us/half-oc characters) as c!sunshipduo. I imagined losing my partner, either the way that caimsey or cquqqie did, and I cried. I'm still crying as i write this. I don't know what I'd do if I lost my partner, and being a creature of anxiety, i worry about it a lot. I've had nightmares about something bad happening, and never seeing xem again.

Seeing caimsey continue living eased some of that weight in my chest. Because even if things go horribly wrong and something happened to my partner, life goes on. cquqqie would have wanted caimsey to live, and so they did. I now know that I'd do the same.

Idk, I might come back to this either as an edit or a reblog to dump more thoughts, or to actually organize the damn thing.

and yall!! I'd love to see your stories of your feelings regarding the caimsey finale, and how it helped you, if you're comfortable :]

Thank you so much @aimseytv for making this beautiful character that helped both you and us grow as people, becoming who we are today. We will all continue to bloom.

#caimseyfinale #aimsey #essay #mental health

[desertfangs]

“honestly if DA hadn’t sent me an anon about one of them I was ready to pull it and call it a loss”

DON’T YOU DARE 🤧 but also imma cry that fic is so special and sexy and bittersweet and I can’t recommend it enough! You go in expecting smutty goodness (which you WILL find) and end up openly sobbing five paragraphs in. Seriously if you’re a bookverse Armand/Daniel fan and haven’t read this one, what have you even been doing with your life!? Mandatory Devil’s Minion reading imho 📖

This current trend of passively consuming media is slowly killing fandoms and fandom content creators. I’ll never not do my part but it’s so disheartening to see so many incredible fics with such depth and understanding of individual characters and dynamics with like… less than 10 comments on ao3. That shit kills the spirit fr xoxo DA ❤️

PS Daniel sitting out the entirety of BC2 because he was too busy playing The Last of Us is laying me tf out and I’ll be thinking about it often 💭

DA!! Thank you so much!! You are honestly a treasure and a gift to this fandom and I know we all appreciate your messages so much! 💖💖

None of us thinks we're owed ANYTHING but like... I came up in fandom in the 90s and 2000s, where people were sharing stuff in newsgroups and on forums and then livejournal. It was a community and everyone interacted with each other and shared their thoughts and commented on fics! Fics launched whole discussions and more fics about similar topics. Now it feels like fandom is so isolated, and people put creators in some separate box where they will consume what they create but not dare interact. And it's weird! We're all just part of fandom, flailing around and trying to have to fun.

Now there's this social media like button culture where people (not just in fandom) will leave a like and move on and that's fine except it doesn't feel as personal and creates this lonely atomosphere. It's so passive, as you said, and as someone who's spending a lot of their free time and brain power crafting fics because I'm excited about the characters or an idea and I want to share, putting it out there and getting nothing back is so demoralizing.

And then of course there's the insecurity. Most writers have it in spades so when we post something and the response is... lackluster... the first thought is often "Well, apparently this one sucks." It creates all kinds of doubt! And then if you're me, sometimes you feel stupid for posting at all and wonder if you should take it down. (I talk myself out of this and then more comments come in and I feel better - although lately comments are hard to come by after the first couple of days a fic is live!)

But I digress. It's just this whole thing and it's weird because no one owes anyone comments or compliments, but creating into a void is depressing and unsatisfying and it's going to lead to people not bothering to share what they make. And that's a bummer, because fandom is all about sharing and conversing and having fun as a group. Otherwise I can just tell my headcanons to my cats, who are always happy to listen.

But you always do your part!! I love your messages and they always make me feel like I've succeeded. So thank you so much again for your kind words! I really am proud of that fic and I hope people will start to realize that a quick comment is worth so much to fic writers. It doesn't need to be elaborate!

And LOL yes, I love the idea of Daniel being so busy battling digital zombies that he's just.. not involved in the last book. Armand calls from time to time and Daniel talks him off a ledge and then fights his way through another zombie-infested building. 😂😂😂 This is my current theory and I'm sticking to it.

#da you are amazing thank you!!! #dungeon anon #fandom #answers in the desert

[skrunklybf-archived]

this one's for the tumblrinas (gender neutral) with mommy/daddy issues (just a useless vent post feel free to scroll)

do you ever feel a strange urge to try to "repair" your relationship with your parent(s)?

i'm not sure if it's a product of mania, or maybe depression, or some strange mixture of both, but every now and then, there's this weird sense of "a second wind" where, completely unprompted, i feel like i can have a normal relationship with them.

sometimes i want to call my mom and tell her about a book i enjoyed, even though i know she wouldn't enjoy it herself. or sometimes i want to just sit and have coffee with my dad and talk about useless things we know we'd disagree on, like the news.

it's weird, though, because of how unwilling and entirely apprehensive i am to show any sort of emotion around them. anyone who's been around me for any meaningful length of time knows i tend to shower and smother. if i like you, i need you to know that i like you, because people like knowing that they're liked, and i need people to feel like i've given them something. i need to feel useful. but i don't have this need with my family, even though i still need their approval, it's like i've created this character specifically for them, and i can't deviate from it. to act different would spur questions about myself and my mental health and my feelings and things i can't talk to them about because it's just too prickly.

i spent a lot of my youth wishing for what my friends had with their families, or glamorizing what i saw on TV even though i know they're false situations, dramatized stories, probably products of some team of writers with their own set of issues. i know it's wholly unrealistic to imagine everyone had a life where they were given room to grow and develop and discover how to be a person. i also know that you tend to shed that weird shiny glaze as you get older and most people claim age "opens your eyes" to things you were too naive or ignorant to see before.

i used to have such a bleak outlook because people told me all the time that the things i longed for were pure fantasy. it became a weird precedent that everyone hated their families, nobody received what they needed, and it was normal that people had to develop themselves in their own time, in some form of second-wave puberty where you're less restricted by familial ties and, more often than not, generational trauma.

but sometimes i get peeks into such genuine relationships that i wonder if all these broken interactions and years of longing really had solid ground beneath them. sometimes i get to be privy to these tidbits of other peoples lives and i get caught between thinking nihilism is normal and thinking i'm broken.

anyways this was a pointless ramble <3 have a good day

#tw mental health #tw family

[asexual-means-no-attraction]

ik this is gonna kinda be an everyone-is-different situation but how do you cope w "what if no one sees me as a man dysphoria"? ive been struggling rlly bad w that tonight n i rlly didnt know who else to ask so im sorry if im overstepping boundaries or anything- and ofc dont at all feel obligated to ask!! i hope youre having a great day🤍🤍

I got a general ask here about tips for dysphoria.

But what you're asking seems to be more about the mental health side of things. Which is such a struggle I know. I can't say I've always dealt with it in healthy ways or in ways I'm proud of. But it's been a while since I was really depressed and mental health wise I'm doing way better. So most of my advice will be from things I found useful in my past. My memory might not be the best tho.

Some general easy things I found that can help:

-write it out. I can't stress how much holding in the anxiety and depression thoughts about "whether I'm a real man/women" can tear you apart. It's good to get it out of your system.

-likewise, talking to someone can help.

-if you're afraid you might harm yourself then don't let yourself be alone. You don't have to talk to someone or do anything with them. Just be in the same room. I know you don't want to be around anyone in that moment. But you're less likely to hurt yourself if someone is in the same room. Bonus points if it's someone who accepts you, but it's not necessary.

-therapy is always a good option. Finding someone that specializes or has other transgender patients.

-redirect your thoughts. "What if no one sees me as a man?" -> "What if they don't see me as a man YET?" Adding a yet can help a lot. Just because you're not there right now, doesn't mean you'll never be. It's similar to how saying "I want to take a nap" instead of "I want to kill myself" has been shown to improve people's self confidence. You can't just magically stop your brain from making those thoughts, but you can change the sentence to something more optimistic or mild.

-Distraction. Distraction. Distraction. When the thoughts as so intense that you can't handle it, sometimes it's best to just distract yourself until they've calmed down. Then you can address things. Whether that's what you need in a current moment will be up to you to decide. But making a good list of things that you think could be good distractions can help. Ex, I like to act out scenes from the stories I write, look at weird houses on Zillow, play video games, anything that involves having to think and move in some way. Just sitting and watching TV isn't engaging enough, and going on a run still lets my mind wonder. Those things aren't good for me in terms of distractions.

-meditation doesn't work well for me, but I've seen it work extremely well for others.

-make something. Bake something, cook something, design something with play dough. Being able to stand back and see something you've done is a good feeling to push the bad feels outta the way.

-do an activity you find gender affirming. Do you find using power tools to make you feel more masculine? Then go use some. (Gender roles are stupid and dumb, but so long as the exist you might as well use them to help you feel better about your actual gender).

-mantra line up with meditation and can help too. These are sentences or words you tell yourself regularly. And then you can use them when you're feeling especially bad to help lift your mood.

Hopefully at least one of those things can help you. Like I said, it's been a while since dysphoria has really hit me that badly. But things do get better. It's a tough place to be in I know. But there is a future for you where you will be seen for who you really are.

#answered #ask #not discourse #advice #transgender advice

[mikeholdher]

I'm still learning to shut the fuck up. About a lot of things. Like I'll keep it real with y'all. I've been watching the woman of my dreams go through some really rough shit.

And I'm proud of her because she has made so much progress towards getting out of her toxic environment. But then something will come along and just undo most of that progress. And she accepts it. Almost as if she is punishing herself for something I don't know about.

There are very few people that come along in life where you will do anything and everything to keep them around and make sure they are safe and get everything they deserve. And she is that for me. Which is why I struggle immensely with watching her go through these situations over and over again.

I grew up trying to pull my mom out of a similar depression. She had so much potential but didn't/doesn't believe in herself.

I remember the first major argument I got in with her and she told me I was trying to guilt trip her into doing something. And I kept thinking to myself. I'd never do something like that. And my immediate thought afterwards was who in the world hurt you to make you so skeptical of people.

I'm not perfect by any means but any of my close friends know I don't operate like that. I'm a very prideful person. So I don't lie, manipulate, or cheat. I wasn't born rich and was raised that you were born into this world with only your voice so don't tarnish the one thing that is unique to you from birth by lying. Always keep your word.

It was at that point though my heart dropped cause I knew we didn't connect like I thought we did and that I was just another person in her eyes meant to do her harm.

Fast forward to now and I really don't think I've made any progress. I feel like nothing I have done is good enough to break through to her. Which makes my situation even more worse for ware.

Imagine you find your person. That person that checks all the boxes for you and you're only allowed to see them during certain time periods. Any other time that beauty is locked away. That's what it's like watching her. She's this magnificent bird trapped in a cage and I don't have the key to let her out...every once awhile the door opens and she flys around the room, spreads her wings, and sings an amazing song and then goes back to the cage and the door locks.

I'm torn because I can see myself spending the rest of my days on this earth with her. Traveling, road trips, laughing, having dance offs against each, or just intellectual talks about life. I've been through so many failed relationships were I was left wondering what I did wrong or realizing this person isn't it and doesn't want to grow. And every time I talk to her I'm captivated by how passionate she is about moving forward. The dreams and goals she has. She doesn't pretend to have everything figured out. She's going along with what life has given her making the best out of it.

It's a classic case of

"I want to give you the world."

"I didn't ask."

"you don't have to cause you deserve it."

...I'm rambling on searching for a solution but I'm afraid I'll be too late. And that beautiful bird whos company I enjoy will be gone forever.

...I need to do better.

#me #personal #dating #relationships #love #chivalry isn't dead #j

[psychicdronefemale-ocd]

Anxiety Dump #1 (Oct 18, 2022)

i've been experiencing spikes in anxiety/panic attacks. i don't notice other symptoms, just mental ones. my mind races, i get a lot of invasive thoughts. violent images in my mind that make me repulsed. or depressing thoughts that make me spiral. or general doubt about myself. i think this has been happening for 2-3 weeks. Friday, Oct 7 was my big panic attack. Its the 18th today, and I'm still not feeling right. i feel particularly bad right now. overall i just feel generally unsettled and it seems to come from nowhere, or from the smallest triggers. i don't know what to do when it happens. sometimes i can push through, but sometimes i fully spiral and i feel out of control of my thoughts and mind. I have had good moments, hours of feeling normal, hours of feeling bad, and strong bursts of anxiety in between. talking to people helps. over the weekend, in the time i spent with friends and i felt pretty carefree.

sometimes i wonder if these anxious periods feel the same for me as other people. it is so hard to explain. i get normal anxious feelings, like overwhelmed, distracted, uncomfortable. but there's this other hard to explain part, where I feel like my conciousness is distorted. does everyone get that? the feeling is like having smoked too much weed. i'm drawn out of your body and don't feel like you're driving at 100% control. its a really uncomfortable and unsettling feeling. describing it now, i can feel it. i almost feel parts of my body go numb. is it graves disease messing with my nervous system? or is that just a anxious thought? it never lasts - its always just a moment. but i feel so isolated in those moments. i feel like im feeling something no one else feels or can relate to, and which i can't fully describe. that can't be true but… i've never heard anyone describe such a feeling.

i had a really scary panic attack a couple weeks ago where i had a bunch of invasive thoughts about suddenly becoming fully insane and losing control and self harming or becoming suicidal. i had a really negative day where i was very overwhelmed by things that happened at work. i tried to take the day off as i was feeling overwhelmed by negativity and anxiety. i logged onto my work computer and tried to tie up lose ends so that i could feel better about taking the most of the day off. instead i found a huge disorganized mess laid at my feet with no warning. i complained and refused most of it, managed to reach a compromise, but only after being a pile of stress for an hour trying to figure it out. i played some video games to relax, but felt myself being a bit down and depressed throughout the day. i was meeting david later, so i started to get ready. i always feel overwhelmed as i prepare to leave the house for the weekend. i need to remember everything, make sure things are left in a safe and tidy manner for the cats. in the course of getting dressed saw myself in the mirror and i hated what i saw. i tried on clothes that didn't fit how i remembered and saw my body in a way that i did not like and i was flooded with panic. i started pacing around my room and slowly felt like i was losing control of my body. and then i got super scared of the idea of losing control. then i thought, what stops people from just completely losing control and stabbing themselves in the eyes or slashing their wrists? this line of thought made me freak out. i felt like my mind left my body. i found myself sweating and shaking my hands trying to occupy my body better. i've never had a suicidal thought in my life, and this still wasn't exactly a suicidal thought, but more like the thought of "what if i became suicidal?" "what if i completely lost control?" "whats stopping me?". I have no reason to believe this would ever happen, but it disturbed me so extremely. it was ultimately about losing myself. i think it's these lines of thought that are the most harmful or negative to me. they remind me of the thought patterns I would get stuck in the first time I ever went through an intense anxious episode, over 5 years ago when my thyroid was first found to be hyperactive. I thought my brain was poisoned and I would lose my mind and lose myself, my identity. These thoughts revolve around me losing things that are integral to who I am - my intellect, my composure, my ability to think clearly and act rationally.

another thing that has been really bothering me lately is the fear that all this mental stuff i've been going through is going to start eating away at my relationships. i'll become a burden to those around me, or i'll sabotage relationships some other way. all this stuff causes me to have so much doubt in my inner voice. at the best of times, i am so decisive, so confident, so sure. i have such strong moral conviction. its a huge part of my positive outlook on myself. but it feels so eroded by all of this anxiety.

today i thought of looking at graves disease experiences on youtube. i was hoping to see success stories, but they just weren't there. it was all so negative. i mainly saw videos about people with new diagnoses, explaining how they came to discover their illness. these were weirdly unrelatable, which was upsetting and isolating. everyone emphasized the physical symptoms, which for me were never that bad. the worst part was the people in the comments describing how years after receiving their treatments they regressed, got worse than ever, or never really got better to begin with. are these normal graves disease experiences? until today, i really did not think so, but i can't help but have doubt. the impression i've recieved from everything i've read so far is that graves disease is forever, but treatment is effective in managing its effects. there are cases where symptoms flare or come back, but all the reading and speaking with doctors i've done has suggested to me that graves disease is manageable once you identify it and take the steps to address it. untreated graves disease will have the worst symptoms, so as i have started treatment, it can only improve, right? but i feel like im experiencing a regression right now. but is this really even graves disease? what if its something else? what if its just the anxiety and obsessiveness i've always had?

i feel like i go through phases of obsession. right now as i reflect, i feel like its always negative obsession, but i'm not totally sure. maybe i'm just in a negative mindset right now. maybe there are times that this has been focused in a positive way. maybe an example is starting a new relationship, like with david? or starting a new job, like with stolo? but im not sure that i can characterize these things as obsession, the same way i have obsessed over other things. my weight/body, cancer, aids, impending psychosis, loss of my mental faculties or agency of my body. i have cycled through these fears over and over and over again. and i can't necessarily just correlate this to graves disease. i was such a nervous child. i feared the devil. my mom assured me that god would never let the devil come for a little girl, so then i feared that i wasn't actually a little girl but rather that i was literally the devil himself, which scared me even worse. i think that is such a good example of the way my brain works and its so depressing. if i defeat one mental demon then a scarier one will take its place.

when i started writing this, i was in tears and panic. overwhelmed by everything. i feel much better now, even if the tone of this note is somewhat despairing. i need to keep recording my thoughts. i wish i had thoughts to look back on when i was worse than this, over 5 years ago, hiding in my basement and watching roseanne for WEEKS to try to dull the thoughts. and i wish i had thoughts to look back on when i felt happy and normal. because right now its hard to remember those times.

#intrusive thoughts #mental illness #obsessive compulsive disorder #graves disease #panic attack

[mangodestroyer]

Anyone else starting to think that maybe they don't have a "mental illness" or a "mental condition", but that they're actually just having a normal response to their environment?

I used to really identify with depression. As well as autism. They were things that a couple therapists suggested. And I used to find comfort in them because I thought they described my life experience pretty well.

And also, I used to be one of those people who got super into Psychology and started wondering if there was something very wrong with me. I started getting all "do I have this?" and "do I have that?" I also started getting super obsessed with "toxicity" and "working on myself." Thought that I was horrible and toxic for still being miserable at times and that I needed to "put in the work and sort out my problems" to... whatever magical point determines if you've actually "done the work."

It's because the advice is always about "looking inward" because "you're 100% in control of your emotions and responses to things. You can "do the work" to make things better!" Which isn't a bad thing to be aware of and practice, but this can be pretty dismissive and toxic to say about certain situations. But blaming outside factors is considered "toxic."

Um, yeah. I might actually be prone to feeling down at times. Feeling anxious. Having bad thoughts. And, well, autistic tendencies. But tbh, I think my environment has always greatly aggravated those problems. I mean, that's just a natural side effect of living in such a toxic environment where certain people go out of their way to make you miserable/disrespect you and your belongings. While other people shrug or even encourage them. Or being around people who ACTUALLY struggle with emotional regulation (getting super angry all the time, ALL THE TIME, and making it other people's problem; my mother loved to/still does use me as a therapist but doesn't care about my problems in the slightest, so I think that would be a source of misery for someone).

On top of that, isn't it normal for people to sometimes be awkward or overly analytical? Or to get super upset over dumb shit (i.e. misinterpreting a situation as you being left out and feeling under appreciated)? Or to get envious of others when they have something you've always wanted? Or to get super frustrated when dealing with a difficult individual?

I've been talking to irl people more and they don't actually seem to think I'm that abnormal/weird/toxic. Two people told me it's my environment and I need to get out, or at least, find some way to get away from it now and then. And also, people aren't put off by my "autism" either (seriously, I am diagnosed with a similar condition and ig could be on the spectrum, so I'm not trying to dismiss the diagnosis or anything, but I also don't think it's a social death sentence like I used to). I used to think it was scaring people off/causing bullying behaviors in others, but that's actually not true. Working through my trauma, however, has made me more confident and THAT'S making people approach me more. But being terminally online led me to fall down a weird Psychology rabbit hole where I started believing I was too weird, horrible, and neurotic.

It's also been proven that the way therapy is done, at least here in the U.S., just doesn't work. Keeping things surface level and promoting toxic positivity isn't going to help someone with some heavy problems (which is going to be most people in therapy). I think there's also a shaming factor to it (being considered toxic if you aren't always okay). Or just the extreme push with drugs (seriously, I can't even visit a doctors office these days, as someone who is anxious around medical professionals because of bad experiences, without getting anxiety drugs pushed on me!) I've never touch any of those drugs and I'm glad I stayed firm about not taking them. I was almost tempted to because of pressure (literally thought that I was too neurotic at one point and needed anti-psychotics). They just wouldn't have helped me. They would have just been like putting a band aid on a gaping wound. It's disturbing how many medical professionals and therapists will just jump to them within minutes of talking to you.

[the-void-and-the-mirror]

The past that tries to define my future

So, I have a community that's been a hobby for eight years now. I've loved this community and being a part of it. It's a lot of fun to keep playing in it, and meeting new people, and bringing fun stories together in interactions. I used to thrive on it, and I was always great at returning responses, and getting involved.

One year, I decided that I should stand my ground for something I believe in. I didn't agree with the things someone was saying in their forum. And I pushed back. Admittedly, I did not do this in a very good way. And it really, really blew up in my face. I lost a lot of people in the community that day. And every time I thought it was finally over, I'd lose another. People blocked me. And I lost a lot of faith in myself then.

Nowadays, staying in the community I still love is even still more of a challenge than I wish it would be. I push myself forward, and meet plenty of people who have no idea what happened that day. But still, it feels like I have a reputation wherever I go, and that it's a matter of time before I'm rejected all the same. Most days I can get through it, but some days, it hits me so hard that I want to start over with a brand new name, where no one would know it was me, and I could resume without fear. That would be the hope, at least.

And it aches to feel this way. I've been struggling to pull myself up by my bootstraps for years to try and feel the way I did before I made that decision. Even though I grew from it, even though everyone sees me as kind and wonderful, even though the fear is only in my head.

Living in my own shadow... kind of sucks. There was a way things were. And if I would stop getting in my own way, I could be that way again. I could get along, and thrive, and no one would bat an eye. My own feeling of failure is the only one there. No one else even thinks about it.

So, how do I get out of my own way? A dear friend of mine listened to me while I cried about this to them. How I want to start over, how I just want relief from what once was. And I was so close to doing just that. And she was trying to talk me through, and show me that my badbrain was being just that. That I don't have to start over. That the community had led to us meeting each other, and how far we've come. Then she shared with me this very clarifying post: https://knucklestheenchilada.tumblr.com/post/722379890309136384/oldmanyellsatcloud-tenderwear-found-this It goes on to explain that depression pretty much fucks with your ability to see reality for what it is. That depression seeks to make you stagnate. And that when you're depressed for too long, it cripples you into feeling the negatives of the world. But, that this is also reversible, with self-care. This made me admit that I've been struggling to see the positive and get better, despite my efforts. I still have huge fears, despite my growth, that people will hurt me when I let my guard down. And I know that also stems so strongly from my traumas. And I thought this would be so much easier a battle, but it hasn't been.

And that was the turning point. It wasn't until that clicked, that I realised I still have much to heal, that finally made me realise perhaps I shouldn't just throw it all away in the name of rebirth and relief.

I'm still struggling, just a little less. My friend strongly recommended to me positivity journaling. Which is, admittedly, something I've fought against since my traumas started. Because "positivity" came back to bite me in the ass back then. But, I also so desperately want to get better, and see the nicer things in life. So maybe it's time to hang up that dread and try this out. I don't think I could truly lose anything to this. Not anymore, thanks to a recent realisation with boundaries (which is another story for another day).

Today, I am grateful to continue my journey, and to learn a little more. And I hope that this entry finds you a safe place to realise that maybe the badbrain you feel is only that. I hope you find someone who cheers you on. And know that I'm cheering for you, as well. I believe in you.

#anxiety #generalised anxiety disorder #generalized anxiety disorder #trauma #self-improvement #self care #mental health #self love #coping