#i'll still get a few days by myself after they've left but like. i need a break. we havent even left and i need a break. im gonna go cry no

[psithurista]

approach shift - epilogue

pairing: Peter Parker x f!reader (TASM/Andrew Garfield version) length: 2.3k rating: explicit 18+ warnings: PIV (protected), sneaky little non-descriptive pegging reference, disGUSting fluff

Peter Parker is a weirdo. A hot, distracting, irritating weirdo. And you can’t afford distractions right now. So there’s only one thing to do.

a/n: I'll keep it quick: I'm so sorry this took so long, but I just wasn't quite ready to finish it off haha. It's been two years almost to the day since I started writing this (and they've been fucking crazy years) so it feels very strange saying goodbye to these adorable losers. I once again can't even start to express how happy it's made me seeing your reactions to this fic, and I'm endlessly grateful to everyone who took the time to leave a comment or reach out to say hi. I hope you like this last sweet little snippet! x

series masterlist

SIX MONTHS LATER

“We need to get up,” you say, making no move to do so.

He turns his face from where it’s smushed into the pillow to speak, his eyes still closed. “You first.”

You groan. 

You have no idea what time it is, and your phone is out of reach, but the light through the curtains is blinding like near-noon and Bear’s supposed to be here at 10 to pick you up, so you’re almost definitely cutting it fine.

“Peter.” Your legs are tangled with his, his thigh between yours. He huffs morning breath sleepily into your face in response, reaching a hand out to pat your cheek. 

“Shh.” He shifts, pressing his thigh harder between your legs, skin sticky on skin. You know he’s doing it on purpose; he knows exactly where he’s pressing you. You make a quiet, satisfied noise, then pull away regretfully. 

“Bear’s gonna be here soon and you need to be dressed. She’ll freak if she has to see your ass again.” 

“Mmm. Yeah. I’m up.”

You sit up, and the slow weight of his arm slides off your waist. The bedroom door is open to the living room where you can see the debris left over from your at-home date the night before: the bowl still on the couch with a handful of unpopped kernels still rattling in the bottom, the fairy lights web-stuck across the ceiling still glowing gently and the blown-out candles stuck in pastel wax puddles to the coffee table you’d rescued from the curb a few weeks after moving in together. It’d been unbearably funny watching Peter’s elaborate performance of pretending to struggle under the weight of it on the way back home.

He drags himself out of bed, and you hear the coffee machine gurgling while you start pulling out clothes.

It’s hot and stuffy; the air’s stopped working again sometime in the night, so you screech the window open and prop the broom handle under the frame to keep it there. It’s a precarious solution—more than once, the window’s fallen shut while you’ve been at work, forcing Peter to awkwardly perform a frantic outfit change behind the dumpster in the alley so he doesn’t run the risk of running into one of your neighbours in the elevator. But the rent’s affordable for a pair of research scientists with a dash of supplementary freelance photography cash on the side, and the occasional bags of free food from a grateful shop owner after a thwarted hold-up.

“Should we call about the air?” you wonder out loud through the open door.

 “Don’t worry about it, it’ll be quicker if I just get up on the roof and fix it again myself,” Peter says, his voice stretching out into a yawn halfway through. He appears in the bathroom doorway, still naked, two mugs in his hands. 

You gasp in appreciation as he passes one to you. “God, I love you,” you murmur, taking a sip.

He grins dazedly at you in the mirror, his cheeks flushed. “Is that all it takes, huh? A crappy cup of coffee?”

You turn and slide the mug onto the counter so you can wrap your arms around his waist. “No. You’re cute, too. That helps.”

He kisses you, his thumb and index finger framing your chin. “M’not cute,” he says against your lips, leaning his too-warm body along yours. “M’intimidating as hell. Ask anybody.”

You’d only gotten as far as underwear before he’d interrupted you dressing, and it already feels like there’s far too much in the way between you. “You’re gonna make me late,” you say, reaching down to dig your fingers into the taut swell of his ass. “Gotta get ready.”

“Okay, so keep getting ready,” he says, mouthing at your neck. “You’re the one groping me.”

He’s right; now you’ve started, you can’t seem to stop. You press your hands to the small of his back, drawing him closer. You can feel his cock beginning to harden where his body is pressed against yours, and his tongue comes out to touch at your pulse. He makes a tiny noise in his throat as you slip one hand down between your bodies to wrap loosely around his rapidly-growing erection.

You stroke him once, gently, and he huffs. “I don’t see how this is helping,” he says. 

You hum your response, your resolve melting away as he strokes the back of his knuckles down your spine, making you shiver. “Maybe…” you say.

He ducks his head to kiss first one breast, then the other, your nipples standing hard and sensitive. “Maybe?” he prompts. His fingers brush your hip, coming around to rest just below your navel.

“Maybe, if we’re quick…” you say, biting your lip, pushing your hips upward to try to encourage his hand lower.


“Babe, I can be so quick,” he says, half-groan, half-laughter. He thumbs your labia, spreading you open just a little, so he can touch your clit. “Too quick, even, if you want. Some would say it’s a talent.”

You grin at him, letting go of his cock. “Bed. Now.”

He swings you up into his arms so fast your head spins, practically flinging you onto the bed. 

You sprawl out in front of him, your arms thrown back as he peels your underwear off. “Holy shit,” he says, running his hands down your sides, staring at the expanse of your body. His jaw is slack with longing, and the sight of his adoration never fails to make fresh heat flood your face, even after seeing him staring at you like this so many times.

He kneels down over you, sucking two fingers into his mouth as he does. You hitch your knees up to give him a better angle, and he gently presses a firm thigh between your legs. “How do you wanna…?”

“Condom,” you tell him, running your fingers through his hair, making his eyes roll closed with pleasure. “No mess.”

He holds your lower lip gently between his teeth, and slowly pushes his two slick fingers inside you. You shift your hips up, and he withdraws them both again, using the slip of your arousal to work against your clit. He kneels up a little, so he can palm your breast with his other hand as he bends down to lick the inside of your thighs.

“Oh,” you breathe. His fingers stop circling to push back inside you, just as his tongue works a hot, messy kiss over your clit. You grab handfuls of his hair to try to keep up with the pace he’s setting, but the feeling of your fingers against his scalp only makes him work faster, a weak groan vibrating down through his tongue.

He bends his head lower, so he can lick around where your wetness has started to gather on his knuckles as he keeps pumping leisurely, in and out. It’s so wet you can both hear it, and he works faster, angling his fingers higher, until you’re writhing.

“Peter…come on, please,” you beg, yanking hard at his hair. 

It works to break his concentration, and he scrambles up, leaning down sideways so he can dig around in the bottom drawer of the nightstand. It’s filled with an assorted mix of toys and, stashed further back, Peter’s wrist canisters. The logic had been that anybody who broke into your apartment would be too freaked out by the toys to keep looking in the drawer, but it also meant Peter had to dig through a dizzying array of plugs and lube every time he went out.

You turn your head to the side and see the wistful way he glances at your strap-on, and you click your tongue. “We’re in a hurry, remember? Later.”

“Mmm. I’ll hold you to that,” he says, kissing you again as he rolls the condom smoothly over his cock.

He leans back, propping a pillow under your hips to give himself more leverage. As he sinks inside you, you hold your breath, letting it out slowly.

He groans above you, easing just a millimeter out and then back in, like he can’t help himself. It feels devastatingly good; he’s thick and beautifully hard right against where you need him, and thanks to his mouth, you’re wet enough that you’re ready for him to start moving immediately.  

You hook your ankles together behind his back to pull him in deeper, and he sinks home, fully seated balls-deep inside. You clench your muscles, just to feel as much of him as you can, and he grinds his hips against yours. 

You can feel the tension in his limbs as he draws back and starts to move. You’ll never, ever get sick of how he feels inside you, you think, your mouth open. He’s fucking you so good; his strokes long and firm and perfect.

He cups your ass with his hand to lift your hips even further, shifting the angle once again, and your breath stutters sharply in your throat as the head of his cock catches your g-spot.

“That’s it, right?” he murmurs, his voice wrecked. “Right there? That’s it, babe, c’mon, show me, I wanna see…”

You can’t even respond, your fingers gripping his biceps like his body is your only lifeline. It’s so good, and you’re getting so close, you just need…

“Fuck,” you gasp, high-pitched and panicked as you come, hard and blinding. 

He doesn’t slow down. If anything, he fucks you harder, chasing down his own release as you clench and melt around him. It only takes a few more moments before his cock jerks inside you and he curses, collapsing the hot weight of his body on yours.

You pant together, sweaty and spent. His cheek is crushed to yours, and he turns his face just enough to kiss any part of you he can reach—the top of your shoulder, your forehead, the tip of your ear.

When you manage to drag your eyes open, you find his huge doe-brown eyes already looking at you. “Good?” he whispers, kissing your shoulder again.

You smile at him, feeling drunk and dizzy. “So good,” you tell him.

You’re still wrapped up in each other like idiots when he jolts hard as though startled. You’re confused for about half a second, before the buzzer from downstairs goes off. 

“Oh, shit,” you hiss, scrambling out of bed.

“You get ready,” Peter says, somehow already dragging on a pair of sweatpants. The speed and dexterity with which he’s able to dress never ceases to amaze you. “I’ll stall.”

You’re stepping out of the fastest shower of your life when you hear the squeaky door to your apartment opening.

“Hey, Bear,” Peter’s voice says.

“Hey, Parker. Your shirt’s inside-out,” she says. 

You lean the naked top half of your body around the bathroom door to wave at her. “Hey, sorry, I just got out of the shower. I need like, three minutes to get dressed.”

She clicks her tongue, but doesn’t look overly annoyed as she flops onto the couch. “It’s hot as shit in here,” she says cheerfully, swinging her feet up onto your coffee table. 

You can hear her and Peter chatting as you hurriedly get ready; he asks her about Krista, she asks him about his aunt. Unsurprisingly, Bear and May had hit it off in a huge way at your birthday after May had excitedly demanded to know everything about the play Bear was auditioning for.

You give yourself a quick once-over to make sure you look presentable before you duck out into the living room. Peter and Bear have moved onto once again arguing about music; Peter’s on Blur’s side, Bear’s on Oasis’. 

You give them both a sideways look. “I’m not getting involved in this,” you say, checking to make sure your keys are in your bag. “But I’m just saying, in a real fight, Liam Gallagher would kick Damon Albarn’s ass any day of the week.” Peter grins at you from behind the counter, where he’s attempting to clean the disaster left in the kitchen from dinner last night.

“Oh, my God,” Bear says, looking you up and down. “Why do you look so worked up? Were you guys just fucking? Like right now?”

 Peter can’t turn away fast enough to conceal his snort, and you make a face at her. “It’s called caffeine. Come on, we’ll be late.”

Peter waves at her. “Say hi to Krista.”

“You should come with us, next time you get a night off work,” Bear says, helping herself to a stick of gum from the packet on the bench.

“Bye,” you say, leaning in to wrap your arms around Peter’s waist. “Be careful,” you add quietly, leaning up to kiss him.

He grins. “Always am.” He kisses you back, slow and gentle, before letting you go.

Bear shakes her head. “You guys are so gross. Later, Parker.”

Peter trails you to the door so he can close it behind you. Bear’s a few feet ahead of you, and you don’t mean to linger, but you can’t help but look back one last time as you go.

Peter’s leaning in the door, a dish rag over his shoulder. His hair’s chaotic from where you’d run your fingers through it, and his cheeks are still a little pink with warmth. 

As you watch, his eyes crease at the corners. “Love you,” he mouths, too quiet for Bear to hear. He still has the cutlery in his hands he’d been drying before you walked out; two knives, two forks. 

You can feel your face splitting into a smile you’re sure must be even goofier than his. You hold his gaze, and as Bear drags you away, you’re missing him already.

#peter parker x f!reader #peter parker x reader #tasm!peter parker x reader #tasm!peter parker x f!reader #tasm!peter parker imagine #peter parker imagine #peter parker smut #tasm!peter parker smut #tasm fanfiction #tasm smut #peter parker x you

[mj-iza-writer]

Whumpee nervously waited for the doctor to do the eye check for their appointment. They hadn't told Caretaker yet, but they desperately needed new glasses. Whumper broke their other pair during their captivity.

They had made it this long without telling Caretaker, but it was getting terribly difficult to see and hide the squinting.

"Uh doctor", Whumpee sighed, "I can save you some time if you like. I'm not going to be able to read those letters."

"Let's try anyways, it's part of you checkup", the doctor started the test.

"Yes. You failed that", the doctor sighed, "is this something that came about during your time with Whumper?"

"No doctor, I've always had glasses for a while, Whumper broke my other pair", Whumpee looked down shyly, "I've been too nervous to bother Caretaker with it though. They've been so busy with me already."

"I understand that, but it's not good or fair for you to go about with bad vision", the doctor smiled, "I know Caretaker very well, they will be happy to know their is something they can help you with."

The doctor finished the rest of the exam, "given the circumstances, you are in fairly good health, just a few things. You need to get your weight up, and new glasses. You'll also find rest to be your best friend while you heal."

Whumpee nodded.

"Let's bring Caretaker in. We can tell them the news together", the doctor patted Whumpee's shoulder, then left.

Whumpee sighed, 'something else they have to deal with.'

Caretaker came in and winked at Whumpee, "so you are blind", they smiled, "I was kind of figuring, but didn't want to say anything in case you just couldn't read."

"I'm sorry, I didn't want to bother you with it. My other pair got broken by Whumper", Whumpee looked at the doctor.

"It's not a bother at all, I'm sorry you've gone so long without seeing", Caretaker sighed, "you've been with me a week and a half, plus however long it's been since those were broke. You definitely need them. Anything else you want to tell me."

"No besides what the doctor said, I seem healthy", Whumpee watched Caretaker pull out their phone.

"I'll get the appointment scheduled. Hopefully they're not booking way out", Caretaker looked, "please don't keep secrets from me. Your care is my top priority right now, and I need to know stuff like this to get you back to health. Don't worry about bothering me, I'd rather know, then find out."

Whumpee nodded.

Caretaker managed to get Whumpee in the next day for the eye appointment.

"Okay right in here", Caretaker led, "don't want the blind one to get lost", they teased.

That's was the running joke, and Whumpee enjoyed every bit of the humor.

The doctor clicked away with the lenses, and made the adjustment just right.

"Okay, you can pick your frames. You'll have to deal with this for about a week or so while the glasses are made", the doctor led them to the room.

Caretaker and Whumpee went through several glasses.

"These are just like my old pair", Whumpee held up a pair, "I kind of liked how they looked."

"Try them on and see if you still like them", Caretaker smiled.

"Okay", Whumpee slid them on and looked at Caretaker.

"I like them, what do you think", Caretaker held up a mirror.

Whumpee looked for a second, then felt their lips quiver.

"Are you okay?", Caretaker worried.

"Uh yes, just, overwhelmed", Whumpee smiled, "this is what I remember myself looking like, and when my glasses broke, I lost that, and I lost my sight. Now I'm seeing myself again, and I'll have my vision soon. I'm overwhelmed with excitement."

"I'm happy I am able to do things like this, these moments are the best. I'm able to watch someone be built back up", Caretaker smiled, "this is my favorite part of the job."

Whumpee pulled off the glasses and wiped a away a tear.

"Are these the glasses?", Caretaker questioned.

"Yes Caretaker", Whumpee wiped another tear away, and smiled. They took a deep breath, "these are the ones."

After they finished the order, Caretaker and Whumpee waited for the call for new glasses.

Taglist. As always please let me know if you want to be added or taken off of the list. It's not a problem at all. @villainsandheroes @the-beasts-have-arrived @sacredwrath @porschethemermaid @monarchthefirst @generic-whumperz @bloodyandfrightened

#whump community #whump stuff #whump writing #whump ideas #whumpee #whump #whump scenario #whumper #caretaking

[babybluebanshee]

Things I've Had To Deal With As A City Librarian: I'm Just So Tired

Haven't done one of these in a while, and things have just been...they've been a time, let me tell you.

*We caught a guy hiding in one of the bathroom stalls after closing. We check the bathrooms to clean up any messes for the next day, and Julie knocked on the men's room door. No one answered, so she went in and checked the stalls. Didn't see any feet so she starts opening the doors. She gets to the handicap stall, and she tries to open it. It's locked. She mutters something about having to unlock it, and suddenly a voice from inside calls out, "Hey, I'm still in here." Julie nearly shrieks. The guy claims that his fly was stuck, but given the fact he didn't say anything when Julie came in and we couldn't see his feet under the stall door means he was probably crouched on the toilet, hoping we'd think the bathroom was empty and he could spend the night in the library.

*My coworker Allie did a cute little display in the kids area where you can write a letter to Curious George. She even made cardboard mailbox for it and put out a bunch of books and movies for people to check out. The amount of vandalism this thing has seen is unreal. One night a kid poked holes in the mailbox with a colored pencil. I was doing a walkthrough after a particularly rowdy family was in the kids area, only to discover that they have thrown everything on the display into the mailbox - the books, the movies, the postcards, the coloring materials, even one of the book stands. We spent about ten minutes fishing everything out.

*Speaking of displays, I did the Black History Month one this year. I worked on it for three months, and to be honest, I was very proud of it. It took up two tables, full of historical events and famous figures of black history. Needless to say, since black history is so damn expansive and my space was limited, a lot of people ended up getting left off (especially local people I'd never learned about). The amount of times people told me I left out a person they personally believed should be on it drove me to distraction. Two separate people told me I missed Kamala Harris (which I'll be kicking myself forever about). One woman asked me why I didn't redo the whole display to add one local figure she thought needed to be included. One woman asked me why she herself was not included one the poet's wall, because she was a published author. No, she was not kidding. I guess I should be thrilled that people were actually interacting with it, but at least a few people telling me I did a good job would have been fucking nice.

*To branch off from the black history month display - the city has an anti-discrimination policy when it comes to people reserving rooms for events. The only thing we explicitly do not allow is social events like parties and anyone attempting to sell something; everything else is fair game. This means we get a lot of obnoxious groups whose views we really, really do not agree with - homeschoolers, churches, conservative clubs, and, my personal favorite, the Sons of the Confederacy. Or as Rachel and I like to call them, The Sons of a Bunch of Loser Piss Babies. They had a meeting there during February, and Rachel was working that day. One of them, in his stupid little gray hat, was standing talking to someone...right next to my black history month display. Rachel told me she wanted to take a picture because the juxtaposition was...stark, to say the least. We're really not that surprised Failfuck McStank didn't notice the irony.

*We've had a guy coming in with his guitar and just...hanging out in the study rooms to play. We can't really do anything about it unless he's too loud or someone actively complains, but we're all kind of puzzled about the library being his first choice of places for a jam session.

*There's a pair of teenage girls that have been coming in for about four months now and their punk vibe is immaculate. The first time I ever saw them, one of them had a giant bleach blond mohawk, a leather jacket with studs, hot pink and black striped stockings, and the most badass combat boots I've ever seen. Her friend had a bleach blond buzzcut, a black jean jacket covered in patches, teal leggings, and red converse that were falling apart. Sherri stumbled on them chilling in the kids area, and noticed the buzzcut one was bent over something. She got closer and realized the kid was knitting a scarf. Mohawk comes in more often, and always has a thick book with her, just lounging in the chairs and quietly reading for a few hours. They're my second favorite patrons and hope they never change.

*A woman was interested in attended my classic book club meeting back in June. We were reading Fun Home by Alison Bechdel, so I gave her a copy. She didn't attend the meeting. She returned the book a few days later and said it was "gross". While she was there, she also picked up her inter library loan of a "romance" novel about a woman falling in love with her abusive stepbrother. I'm all for people reading whatever the fuck they want, but I also feel like if you're gonna read stepsibling porn, you don't get to call lesbian comics gross.

*Two women came in with a little boy who was absolutely bouncing off the walls. They did absolutely nothing to control him - one of them was busy talking to someone on her phone (on speaker till someone complained), the other was perusing the shelves - and the kid was just kind of running around being a nuisance. I was walking back from helping someone in the computer lab and saw the kid taking off his shirt. I told him he had to keep his shirt on, and that's when one of the women finally turned to me and said, "He wants to put his Spider-Man costume on." And I'm like, "Lady, that's great, but you're in a public space, not your living room. Have him change in the bathroom." Luckily they didn't hang around long after that, but fucking hell, the entitlement.

*A woman came in to fax a police report to her lawyer, and Sherri and I ended up being privy to the sordid tale of having her car stolen. She was out with a guy she met on Tinder, and they went to a bar in the next town over. They were getting ready to leave, but she wanted to have a cigarette, so they were standing by her car in the parking lot. Suddenly, three police cars come shooting up, right next to them. Turns out the dude she's with has a warrant out for his arrest. He panics, grabs her keys out of her hand, jumps in the car, and fucking peels away. He ended up crashing it into a ditch less than ten miles away, totaling it. She doesn't even know what warrant was for.

*It's very funny whenever I call anyone for reserve reminders or things like that, because people are so used to getting calls from robots and scammers that they're immensely suspicious any time they answer their phone. And it makes the absolute 180 they do into delighted toddlers, excited to get their books, that much funnier. The scenario usually goes like this:

Me: Hi, is this [insert name]?

Patron: *clearly doing the suspicious Fry face* Yeeeees...

Me: This is Blue, at the library! I was just calling to let you know you have a book on reserve ready for pick up!

Patron: *brightening instantly* OMG thank you! Oh, I'm so glad you called! You've made my day, you guys are wonderful!

Never fails to make me chuckle.

*The assistant librarian is in charge of a lot of the teen programs we do, and by far the most popular are her teen book boxes - the kids fill out a form of stuff they enjoy, and she puts together a box of three books, plus crafts and snacks, for them. On average, she does about twenty of them a month. However - because we are located in the heart of Conservative Brainrot Land, where a not insignificant portion of the population thinks if they're a good little conservative who hates what Fox News tells them to, Tucker Carlson will come give them the hug their dad never did - this has also given us great insight into the minds of ultra controlling parents who would encase their kids in wax if that could keep them from learning things they don't want them to. One particularly baffling example started with a mom asking that no "social justice" be included in the box. The next one asked for "no gender identity". This time? No inclusion. Like...I get why she put that. Because inclusivity = woke = liberal = the devil. But like...do these people hear themselves? Do they know what words mean? Also, I told the AL that she should just give the kid an empty box. She did not follow my advice.

*On the flip side of the crazy, controlling parent thing, y'all remember this family from a while ago? The one where the aunt came in and said Pretty Little Liars had opened a satanic portal that drove her niece to a mental hospital? Well, I'm happy to report that I think the mother of that girl might have had a face turn. The same kid just recently returned several books from the Anita Blake series (which are pretty mature as far as sexuality goes), and she's been in talks with the AL to volunteer for us, informing her that she doesn't know her schedule just yet because her mother is letting her start public school. I like to think the mom looked at that whole situation, took a long, hard look at herself in the mirror, and thought, "Ya know what? I don't think I want to be like this anymore. I think this is a problem." And ya know what? Good for her, and good for that girl. I hope it does them both a world of good.

#woe to the librarian #the conservative brain rot is starting to leech into my professional life #and i'll be here to report on it every chance i can

[anexperimentallife]

Life/Health Update

The thing we've been most worried about is the damage to my heart from COVID and anti-inflammatories. BP has been slowly going down over the past few months, so that would seem to indicate that at least SOME of the damage to my heart is healing. Let's hope. Need to get all those tests done again to know for sure, but for now they've taken me off one of my BP meds, so that's promising. (This was the main thing we were considering trying to get back to the states for, so I could use my medical benefits.) The rest of the stuff impacts quality of life, but isn't directly life-threatening, so if the other issues have to wait, they have to wait.

The hole in my throat still needs closed up. That will probably be the priority once we get my mouth issues (below) sorted. This one is kind of dangerous, as food, medication, and liquids often get stuck in there, and can throw off med dosages and sometimes cause me to choke. Been lucky so far, I guess.

One place in my jaw still pokes through inside, and another is threatening to. If those places don't start reabsorbing within the next few days, they'll have to open up the inside of my mouth AGAIN to file them down. So I'm gumming my food for at least another eight weeks before we can do anything about new teeth.

We're able to get the eye drops that take down the swelling in my retina fairly regularly now, so here's hoping that if I keep using them for three more months they'll have some kind of permanent effect. Probably still need surgery on that eye, though. Sucks that this happened to my formerly good eye--it used to have 20/10 vision. Temperature seems to play a role in the amount of fun-house-mirror-vision, but we live in the tropics, so not much to do about that. (We live in the mountains, so it's not as bad as the lowlands, but AC is rare up here.)

I don't think the cataract in the other eye has gotten too much worse, but that's obviously going to need surgery eventually, as well. If I can come out of this with one good eye, I'll consider myself lucky.

Brain fog (combination of long COVID, ADHD, Autism, and a traumatic brain injury) is still bad, but not as bad as it was. Nothing to do about that but wait.

My spine injuries are still an issue, with occasionally arm cramping/paralysis that used to be JUST in my right arm, but now sometimes spreads to my left. At least the cramping keeps the muscles toned? (Trying to look at the bright side here.) Neck exercises and stretching help with that, as does ice. (I mean, yeah, there's the constant pain, too, but that's the least of my concerns.)

Still need that second foot surgery, because the cauterization didn’t completely take from the last one; not only am I open for another infection (like the two-year one that an infectious disease specialist finally cleared up for me), but walking is pretty painful, too, even if I’m not talking about joint injuries.

Joint injuries... Hoo boy. Definitely gonna need a hip replacement eventually, and probably both knees.

I have chronic fatigue now, plus every pre-existing condition and old injury I had has been exacerbated by long COVID. It sucks. My stamina is improving little by little, though.

Treatment for all of the medical stuff has to wait for one thing at a time to be affordable. My health was stable until COVID, but now... Damn. Unfortunately, COVID came around around the time we found out we were having a baby, and four bouts of COVID have left my health completely fucked and exacerbated all my old injuries.

(If you're new here, you may not know that the licensing contract to convert some of my old fiction to a game--which, fortunately, did not count as "work income" for social security purposes--got canceled just weeks after El was born, meaning our income dropped way down, and that a snafu with Eleanor's birth certificate made her stateless, which took every bit of our savings plus the proceeds from a fundraiser to correct. If not for the combo of COVID and El's birth certificate snafu, we'd be fine both medically and financially.)

I'm working on plotting out more Quiet World and Alex And stuff, which I'll be shopping around, but frankly, even if it sells, it probably won't be much. (If you were here in 2013, you may remember that I had just started to have success selling my fiction to pro markets when my sons died, which threw me for a loop for several years, so I have to start over building a reputation.)

We've considered a move back to the US to use my medical benefits, but a) that'd be expensive af, and b) the US may be on the edge of becoming a military dictatorship, so even if we had the money for it, we'd want to wait to see what November holds.

So yeah, that's what's been going on with my health and our finances. As always, @thesurestthing and Baby El bring me joy, and my sort-of-adopted niece @geniussheepworld is a great help to all of us.

With so many people in the world suffering so much, I am reluctant to post a funding link. We are MOSTLY financially stable--it's just that we have to save up for my medical stuff while we work to finish paying off about 11K USD of debt from El's paperwork thing and all the medical whammies (and thank you to everyone who has helped already)--but if you want to help with that, the best link is either our paypal donation link or Ko-Fi.

#rob gets medical #rob gets personal

[genshinemblem564]

Chapter 3: Awakening

TW: attempted murder, talks of execution, summoner gets sadistic.

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A few days before the festival. After much deliberation you decided the heroes of Fodlan would be a perfect choice for a good first impression of the Order of Heroes to Liyue. You justified bringing this many heroes by telling a half truth, Beidou isn't known for being quiet and for some people being royalty is enough to make someone a target. Bernadetta is there as well, but knowing her you told her she only has to leave the ship if she's needed, after all a festival is meant to be fun, forcing someone to go defeats the purpose. You've already talked to Ingrid and Holst about keeping Sylvain and Balthus on a tight leash, also informing the latter two to be on their best behavior.

Raphael: Hey (Y/N), why did we need to bring all this food? Aren't we going to a festival?

(Y/N): Because, we're not sure what currency Teyvat uses, if they don't use gold the stalls will be all we can get anything from, and that's only some stalls.

Ignatz: So, in short gold may not be a valid currency, you really think of everything summoner.

Raphael: Is it really something they need to think about? I mean, every world we've been to takes gold don't they?

Leonie: Not every world, what about that Tokyo place?

(Y/N): Exactly, it may be a slim chance, but it's still something we need to prepare for.

Anna: Oh!! The currency totally slipped my mind!

(Y/N): Really? I expected you of all people to be on top of that.

You and the others all share a laugh before being interrupted by Caspar.

Caspar: Hey guys, you've got to get up here its crazy!

Everyone rushes to see what the young brawler was going on about, only to be greeted by a slew of lanterns lighting the night sky. While everyone was enamored by the beauty of the harbor at night, you couldn't help but recall those cold sleepless nights during the hunt. Your ship soon reached the docks and you were greeted by an unexpected face.

Ningguang: Welcome, everyone, to Liyue harbor. My name is Ningguang, I am the Tianquan of the Liyue Qixing, once I heard we were welcoming royalty, I figured I'd see to it personally.

(Y/N): Uh, you weren't waiting here all day, were you?

Ningguang: No need to concern yourself, I could see you approaching from the Jade Chamber, only then did I decide to come down and greet you. Now, I hate to bring business into the conversation, but I'd like to discuss finances, as I've heard your island is from another world entirely...

(Y/N): Apologies lady Ningguang, but the prince and princess are not responsible for such things as the king and queen still hold the throne, they are only responsible for minor things, well minor by comparison anyways.

Ningguang: Is that so? How unfortunate, I suppose I'll simply have to visit this kingdom myself. Anyways, with that you all enjoy yourselves.

Ningguang makes her departure, and you notice a crowd has started to gather, you can hear whispers and murmurs from every direction. Suddenly a figure comes running out of the crowd and up to all of you.

Xinyan: Hi there, I'm Xinyan, Liyue's one and currently only rock artist, pleasure to meet all of you.

Dorothea: Rock? Oh, I know that apparently it was a major hit in the summoner's world, I've been dying to here it, but the summoner can't play for the life of them and no one could teach them a genre they've only heard of.

Xinyan: Well you're in luck, cause I've got a show happenin tonight, it'll take place over. OH, right you haven't been here before, sorry I nearly forgot, c'mon I'll show ya round.

With that Dorothea and a few others left with Xinyan, you try your best to navigate the crowd of people before bumping into someone.

(Y/N): OOF, my apologies, this city is far too crowded, are you alright?

Xiangling: Oh, I'm fine, more importantly, are you those people from that island, I've been so curious about that place ever since it appeared, please tell me everything.

Xingqiu: Xiangling, perhaps you should back up, I take it from their expression they are not quite used to large crowds such as this.

Xiangling looks at you closely, while you are wearing your hood and mask, she could still make out your discomfort from your mouth.

Xiangling: Ah, sorry I got a little too excited.

(Y/N): It's fine, but you're better off asking someone else as I'm a recent arrival there myself.

Xiangling nods and runs off, Xingqiu bows and follows her. As much as you'd like to stay close to your friends, the crowd really is a bit much at the moment so you exit the city's front gate, heading for the nearest teleport waypoint. As you breathe a sigh of relief, you're startled by the sound of approaching footsteps, you turn to see the traveler and Paimon.

(Y/N): Huh!? W-Who's there?

Aether: Whoa there, easy we're just on our way to Liyue, we didn't mean to frighten you.

(Y/N): Sorry, I had to leave the city the crowd was a bit much for me, so I was still a tad on edge.

Aether: I see, would you like some company, it may help you calm down

(Y/N): That would be nice, thank you.

The traveler sat next to you, and the two of you traded stories.

Aether: So you've been to war huh? I can see why crowds overwhelm you now.

Paimon: Yeah, it can't be good for your mind to always be looking for threats around you.

(Y/N): Yeah, but you two have been through a lot to, and all to find your sister.

The three of you sat in silence, Paimon floating as usual, before another set of footsteps approach.

Paimon: Huh? Ah, traveler!

Aether: What is it, huh!?

When the three of you turn around there's a vicious looking individual holding a blade, and wearing your face. This individual says nothing before attempting to stab you. You dodge and ready your weapon.

Aether: You have some nerve showing yourself today of all days.

Imposter: Hehehe, you see this face boy, I'm your god, I'm the one who's meant to rule this world, me, me, MEEE! If you stand in my way, you'll pay with your head!!

You and the traveler dodge their swings again and again, but everytime you two try to strike they dodge or block, they seem to have done some intense training if they can handle the both of you.

Aether: Hey,look out!!

Shaken from your thoughts, you turn to see the fiend's blade mere inches away from you. Time seems to slow down as your end draws closer, when suddenly.

BZZT

CRACKLE

When you next open your eyes you're fine, not a scratch on you.

Imposter: What? How? You won't dodge this one.

In an instant you're behind this would be murderer and start wailing on them. Punch after punch, they try to strike you but are met with a cloud of dust, and one final blow lands them on the ground. As you inspect yourself for any unknown injuries you spot a mark on the back of your hand that resembles the electro sigil, but before you could inspect further it's gone, you're shaken from your thoughts by the sound of groaning, looking to it's source you see your assailant trying to crawl away, before you step on their arm.

(Y/N): You're not going anywhere.

As you say this, you put more and more weight on their arm until you're sure it's broken, then moving to do the same with the other.

Paimon: They were so nice during our chat and now they're acting all vicious, Paimon can't help but be a little scared.

(Y/N): Hmm? Oh, don't worry, I only get this way around truly vile scum.

You say as you snap the person's other arm with a grin on your face.

(Y/N): Anyways, what do we do with them? There a bounty to turn in or was this a first time offense?

Aether: They're the ones who've been trying to masquerade as their grace, so obviously we need to turn them in and execute them.

(Y/N): Alright then. (Whispered) ugh, what a way to spend my birthday.

Aether: What was that?

(Y/N): Nothing, anyways, back to the city.

You and the traveler bring the imposter to the city gates and let the guards take things from there. The guards and all the towns people who saw them being transported seemed ecstatic about their apprehension. This was definitely one of your weirder birthdays.

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Wow this got long, I just didn't know where to end it, and what's crazier is I wanted to add even more. I hope you all enjoyed this chapter, I'll try and focus on character interactions for the next one.

#fire emblem heroes #feh #genshin impact #sagau #imposter au #crossover

[stellacadente]

so like having memory issues sucks sooo bad

i lost 2 umbrellas in like. 2 or 3 weeks maybe a month (you guessed it i can't really remember. passage of time is so hard) bc it rains, i use this neat little umbrella.... put it down at the bus stop just for a second so i can get something from my backpack and completely forget i ever had it and hop on the bus without my neat little umbrella! fuck! my mum bought me this one (i didn't lose the previous one tbf.. it broke)! so then a couple of weeks later, still without an umbrella bc yeah, i keep forgetting to buy a new one, i have to be out all day, and it's raining hard and will all day, so my mum offers to give me her umbrella. she doesn't really need to walk or anything today anyway. i'll give it back later. yeah right. except i enter the place where i have to take my driving license quiz, i put down my umbrella, right there at the entrance, and when i walk out later it's not raining and i have completely forgotten i ever had an umbrella with me. my mum's umbrella. which i leave there. bye bye to another umbrella. i tell my mum a few hours after i realize... i was scared she'd get mad. she gets mad. how can you forget this stuff all the time. just think about these things a little more. just pay more attention. ah. right. as if that's easy. i tell her! it's not easy! i feel awful about this, i feel awful every time! i'm frustrated. i want her to understand i don't do this bc i don't care about my or other people's things or don't pay attention to them. i tell her look, every time i get to work i go upstairs to refill my water bottle. then i get coffee and/or chat with coworkers. i put my water bottle down, i need my hands to get coffee. and every time. every. time. i go downstairs and realize i left my water upstairs. i curse myself, i groan, i tell myself come one nico, you must remember later/tomorrow. i almost never do. my mum sighs and laughs awkwardly. yeah, mum, i know, i'm not even 30 and my memory's already fucked. i must have some problem, i say. it's only half a joke. i know i do. she half-jokes too, oh that's for sure, haha. i just don't know which one the many problems i do in fact have are to blame for this. is it the abuse and trauma? the bpd that was the result of it? the many meds i've taken for the bpd and all the rest? the times i've abused those meds? all of those, something else? i don't know. i just know it's hard to feel like everything, from memories to objects to knowledge, is a second away from being lost to me. always. few things feel like they last. and as a person who's obsessed with forever, as a person who loves to learn and know and watch and read and listen, as a person who cares even too deeply sometimes... i feel like i lost myself every day. if myself even exists. what am i when i don't remember most of my life? when i've forgotten almost everything about people who mean the world to me, bc they've been gone for so long? i forget birthdays, i forget ages, i forget umbrellas, i forget unloading the washing machine, i forget i already told you this, i forget smiles, i forget movies, i forget things i studied, i forget i had to call, i forget i needed to add something to the guidebook, i forget if i already took my med or not, i forget my favorite concert, i forget my favorite book, i forget. i forget again.

yesterday i went on a rant on the discord server i'm in with my friends, even if i knew it wasn't likely anyone would see it, bc the server's not very active now and that channel especially, no one looks at it. but i was so so scared i'd forget what happened the other day and even worse would start doubting whether it all happened for real or i made up half of it to make up for voids in my memory. that happens often with stuff like that. the therapist i had my first appointment with was very weird about me being trans and i kept thinking about it and feeling bad and the more i think something over, something i'm upset about, the more i get scared that i'm not recalling things right. so i had to write it all down somewhere other people could, even just potentially, see, and i could look back on. i mean yeah, i also did need to talk about it, so it would've been nice if someone read and replied too, but it's okay, i just at least needed to put it down in words as soon as possible.

i guess i'm just scared it'll get worse and worse the more i age and it's already pretty bad now and yeah

#i'm not back from my break but #i need to talk somewhere rn bc yeah #and also i need to stay awake long enough for digestion to like. happen. properly #and i'm soooo fucking tired i had the longest most tiring day ever and i'm literallyyyy hurting everywhere i just wanna lie down and sleep #but alas i ate 20 minutes ago #y'all don't have to read all that if you don't want to lmao <3

[furiousgoldfish]

Hi, general TW for physical abuse, mental/emotional abuse, sexual abuse, mental health topics (just to be safe). Apologies for the length.

(i sent this twice in case the first one didn't go through, I know sometimes long asks disappear in the system. If you got two please ignore this one, thank you for understanding)

This is.. going to be odd but I'm the person that sent the ask about learning how to be more like a typical human after being semi-feral? you asked a few questions and I can answer them, and maybe get some advice too on it as well. Sorry if this is disjointed, I'm in a bad head space right now but I haven't seen your inbox open in a while so I wanted to answer you while I could.

You asked me about how I survived. And honestly it was mostly because I didn't have an alternative. For physical abuse, I developed a high pain tolerance and don't much have the ability to cry or react to pain. I genuinely don't understand why people describe certain things as being painful, I can handle punches, cuts, etc without reacting.

For starvation my body has stopped reacting to hunger. I haven't felt hunger in many many years, and even then it was a rare occurrence. While it's most likely that I have stunted physical growth because of malnutrition, I can go days without eating without feeling any negative side effects. This is similar with water as well. I can go over a day or two without water and still be okay, actually most of my childhood I drank some water in the morning and then didn't drink anything until 5pm.

As for everything else, I wasn't really allowed to express emotions growing up after my birth parents. While my birth mother would sometimes beat me just to see me cry because she thought it was funny, in the foster home I spent the most time in any reaction from me that wasn't positive or praise was considered problematic. (more about the foster home later)



I'll also add that one of the things that kept me alive, ironically, was the thought of how easy it was to die. The first time I tried killing myself was when I was 5, where I had trained the dog I was living with to lay on a pillow wherever it was put. I'd then lay down and get the dog to lay on that, effectively suffocating me. The dog left after attacking a different kid (who tried killing it) and I was removed after.

My entire childhood I planned my own suicide in all sorts of ways. I've tried stealing and taking pills, I used to keep cups of bleach by my bedside to trick myself into drinking it, I tried laying on streets so cars would crush me, all the way to more elaborate plans I won't share. I don't remember when I started self harming, however I always was sneaky about it because I was always under what was called "arm check" watch. So it stuck mostly to things I could get away with.

I, though I don't know why, have an unnaturally high tolerance to medication, drugs, anaesthetics, and alcohol. I need 3 to 4 times the regular dose of medication for it to impact me, I've never been put under anaesthetics because they've never been legally able to give me a high enough dose to knock me out, and though I've been pressured to drink by adults when I was younger I've never gotten drunk, not even when I was a teen and drank a whole 6 pack.

This has stopped me from overdosing many times, because I've reached the point where I've taken enough medication to actually overdose but didn't. Perhaps this is due to overactive survival instincts, perhaps it's a bizarre quirk. Perhaps my birth parents used to drug me and I gained an early life tolerance. But in summary, only the idea that if I were to die it would be under my own terms was what kept me alive. That and spite, and a fear of abandoning any current foster siblings or pets that I protected from foster siblings that tried killing/maiming them.



To answer you about alters, I'm not entirely sure if I have fully formed alters or not? While my dissociation isn't as bad as it was when I was younger (I'd zone out to the point where I was completely gone for hours. No matter what anyone did I wouldn't react at all) and I eventually learned how to at least move and somewhat speak when it happens.

I do have like a co-host? There's two of me inside my head, and majority of my communication in life has been us talking to each other. However I think it's important to mention that when I was 6 there was a shift? I'm unsure how to word it but this is the closest way I can put it: when I was 6 the original person of the body died and left us two behind.

We had completely different interests, reactions to things, thoughts and dreams and everything. It's to the point that I was moved to another foster home because I was no longer the kid the previous foster parents wanted. And it felt like we had to re-learn how everything worked all over again, because I only knew how to survive.

Every few years that "rebirth" cycle happens again, and the two co-hosts seem to shut off for a bit and then turn back on, but when they turn back on we loose sense of "us" and have to relearn a bunch of things. And not just small things, but big things like school concepts, social rules, what is and isn't acceptable to speak about, how to properly move our body, all of that. Everything feels brighter and more real for a week or two after before it goes back to being dull.

But after that we're still like a new duo living in the head and living in this body. We may have different interests and do differently in school, and I have no clue why it happens. If it is all alters, maybe we're stuck in a perpetual loop of being born, barely surviving, and dying over and over again. It's the only way I can keep track of periods of my life, on which 3 or 4 year period certain iterations of us control the body.

I guess this sort of internal cycle also adds to me not feeling like a real person, because I often loose all the person-ness I've gained and have to read-build my illusion of humanness all over again. What comes naturally to me isn't what a human should be like, and it's unsafe for me to ever be me, at the very least until I can someday find a place safe enough to live.



My main reason for learning how to speak, even though it physically hurts me to do so for any length of time, was so I could learn how to beg people not to kill me. As soon as I sensed adult disappointment I would crouch on the ground and cover my head and beg the adult not to kill me, which got me moved from another foster home after the school called the foster parents too many times asking why I did that.

Eventually I learned that doing that would make people more likely to kill me, so my general perspective of the world my entire life has been "everyone in the world belongs on a ranking system of how much power they have over another person. Teachers and parents have the most, while kids older than you will always have more power. I have less ranking than everyone else around me, so any hurt done to me will always be acceptable. If someone kills me it's well within their ranking to do so." I still struggle to not have this outlook, as I'm used to being treated as more of a pet or novelty than a person.

I don't know if that answers your questions, but that's the best I can do. If there's any more questions you have I can try answering them whenever I find your inbox open again.



Here's the more about foster care, and what I have some questions about. I've mentioned this to someone once, and they said it sounded similar to human trafficking? though I consider it normal.

In the one foster home I stayed at, the one I stayed at the longest, was one where every child that went there had a "ranking". For some extra context: every child there was a legal orphan, all through having birth parents so bad they couldn't stay with them.

The ranking system was based on how "adoptable" the child was. For instance, if you did well in school, didn't have attention put on you, stayed quiet and followed chores and "requests" at the foster home, and basically did what you were told you'd keep a good ranking. This also included not reacting to any trauma you have, not mentioning previous parents (foster or birth), and basically being a child that raised themself. HOWEVER it didn't matter what happened at home, just keeping up appearances and not bothering the foster parents.

While at that foster home over the years I had over 8 foster siblings, though only 5 of them stayed for longer than a few months. When I was 6 the boy already living there tried, and likely succeeded at some point, raping me. The only reason why he was ever caught (he was left home alone with me to babysit, despite him being no where near capable of doing so.) was because a new girl (around 8) had moved in and caught him in the act. She had just come from a place where she'd witnessed rape and freaked out enough that they eventually moved the boy.

Even though she saved me then and at times acted like an older sister, she also was... not happy with her life. She tried killing me multiple times, usually through drowning (both when we were left alone and her telling babysitters that I could swim and putting me in situations where I'd nearly drown). She also tried attack me with a knife a few times, however all the cabinets and drawers in the house were locked so it was rare for her to get anything too sharp.

She also had been planning to murder our foster parents and blame me for it, however someone reported her for trying to get a teacher to have sex with her when she was 13 and got sent away. There was another boy that lived there around my age a few years later that also tried killing me multiple times, usually through strangulation, pushing me onto the road, trying to hang me a few times, attacking me with a knife, and in other ways. He was rather sneaky and had been 2 weeks away from being officially adopted by the foster parents before he tried threatening someone on the school bus.

He had threatened people before and had never actually attacked someone at school, but the bus driver had gotten mad enough that he was suspended. Our foster parents only called him "devil child" and terminated the adoption process and sent him away, despite him doing that and worse to me for years at home.

I had a few other foster siblings similar to that, two other ones that showed sexual interest in me. One simply harassed me while the other raped me nightly for years before eventually being sent away because 3 foster kids at once was "too financially difficult" (even though the foster parents were paid to care for all of us, covering school supplies, clothes, and more. The only clothes I got were the clothes of older foster siblings, sometimes even stuff from previous foster kids I'd never met that was kept in garbage bags in the attic).

There's a lot more I could add, like how in that foster home I was often put to work in their construction business, and how the foster mother was grooming me to have a "special" relationship with her, and more, but first I want to talk about the foster home.



So the ranking system was used not only to basically tell us foster kids whether we'd be able to still stay there/not get abandoned again. It was also used to consider how "considerate" our removal would be. If you had a poor ranking you'd get insulted and lose certain privileges, and if it got bad enough the foster parents would refer to the kid as "devil child" (regardless of age).

A "considerate" removal was where a foster kid would be told they'd be removed a few weeks or months in advance, a bad removal was being kicked out suddenly with all the things you were allowed to keep in garbage bags.

Part of the "considerate" removal (and what the person said sounded like "human trafficking") was the videos we had to make. We would make videos about us doing homework, our likes, us doing chores, stuff like that. A sort of general introduction to the kid, and why anyone watching would want to foster/adopt that kid. These videos would show off all the best qualities of a kid, be burned onto a special CD with the kid's legal name on it, and then played to groups of potential foster/adoptive parents.

The foster parents and the potentials would meet in a room and watch the disk, and whoever was interested would stay behind and ask the foster parents more questions. Whoever was the kid that was staying at the foster home the longest would go and act as a sort of "fact checker" of sorts, because "children are worse at lying".

That, after a few years, ended up being me. I've been in many meetings with groups of adults I don't know and asked about how good my foster siblings were, and sometimes even asked which potential foster parents I liked the most, which would get taken into consideration on which potential foster/adoptive parents my foster sibling(s) would go to.



I'll admit to being selfish and not wanting them to leave, even if they had hurt me. It hurt more having to lie about where I was, but it hurt more seeing adults I mildly recognized come to the door and take my foster siblings away. I always tried to get my foster siblings controlled in some way to avoid them having to be removed, which often made them more mad at me and more likely to lash out, but we'd all been abandoned and I didn't want them to be abandoned again. But perhaps they were luckier, because they got to move out.

Those foster parents of that foster home has a copy of every CD made for all the foster kids, though there's a few that didn't get time to make CDs before they were kicked out. It was all through our local child protective services, but I wasn't allowed any internet presence and few photos of me which means there is a possibility that I was kidnapped (or "misplaced") in the system.

Those foster parents were also... not great. It turns out that the foster mother had had her own biological children removed from her decades ago, and they couldn't have biological children of their own. They wanted a child to replace the one they couldn't have, and were cycling through children until they found one easy enough to control (i remind you children all with birth parents abusive enough that we were all declared legal orphans).

I ended up being controllable enough, though that was also because my social worker abandoned me and I had no outside contacts and a panic-attack inducing fear of adults. Eventually they adopted me and changed my name to one of the foster mother's birth child's names. They forbade me from learning anything about my past OTHER than whatever terrible things my birth parents did.

Unless I was physically working for the foster father (construction business he mostly ignored me. By the time I was 7 I was tiling bathroom floors, and by the time I was 9 I had helped (without ladders or any safety measures) put roofing on roofs). He ignores my physical ailments and always changes the topic whenever I mention anything that isn't "positive" or school, so we lack much of an emotional bond. However he also has never hurt me physically, touched me in any way, or purposefully made me cry. He does ignore everything the foster mother did.



The foster mother had wanted a "special" relationship, and I don't know what else to describe it. Once I knew enough language to speak and make up stories she was telling me about her own trauma and the trauma of her self-help-group/clients. (The foster parents didn't want a disabled kid so I was forced to do home schooling over the summers to "make up" for "my defective brain". They weren't trained and it got ugly many many times because of my brain damage and general inhumanness. Due to the treatment of my birth parents I have brain damage that no one ever checked up on.)

I was raised on stories of rape, abuse, murder, and trauma. The only TV I was ever allowed to watch was construction-work related stuff (so I could better help in the business) or shows with murder. The birth mother would pit the other foster kids against me because I got the "special privilege" of being allowed into the foster mother's office (the only time we ever would see her, other than watching tv._

This "special privilege" included her removing her shirts so I could give her back massages (starting when I was 7), and her telling me about her clients/friends. It also included her sharing her delusions in a religious sort of way, and training me to "be more human".

No matter what i did I could never fully please her, because no matter what I do I will never be a real human. I was never allowed therapy and was the closest thing to therapy I've had was those "Special meetings" with the foster mother. And there the core lessons for me was the following:

No matter what I do, I will ALWAYS be worth less than everyone because I am fundamentally inhuman.

Everyone else is always telling the truth compared to me, because I'm fundamentally incapable of experiencing reality.

Everyone plans out their life before they live it. That means that I planned out every single thing that ever happened in my life. That means I wanted every bad thing that happened, and there was no one to blame but me.

That it's not actually that hard to hide a body, and if I try talking to outsiders I'll learn that first hand (this was partially why the foster mother had me watch so many murder and murder mystery shows. It was a reminder of how she could point out all the mistakes the murderers made, AKA how easy it would be for her to kill me and get away with it).

My life is a mistake, something that should have never happened, and if I talked to other people I'd only spread my curse them to be like me.

Never talk about what happens at home. Or your life.



When I was 17 the foster parents moved me to another place in the country where the nearest towns were over an hours drive away and the nearest town with police was 2+hours away. And where the age of adulthood was older than 18, all so I couldn't legally leave them (they have made far far too many stalking, kidnapping, maiming and more threats because they "love me too much to let me go"). And in general keep me as isolated as they could, a thing they've done since I was placed in their care.

There's so much more I could talk about, but this is already far far too long, so I have a few question I hope you could answer?

First, I'd appreciate any reaction or thoughts you could share, I find it helps give me an outside perspective from someone who doesn't think all this to be normal (and therefore more comfortable than the alternative).

Second, would the CDs and method of foster children getting new foster/adoptive parents be considered similar to human trafficking? I really don't think it is, but that comment the person made has stuck with me, and I wanted to get someone else's opinion (it's... not something I can just go and ask someone)/

Third, is it normal for parents (foster, adoptive or otherwise) to want you to raise yourself? I basically was feeding myself (making meals, packing lunches, etc) since I was 7 and helped my foster siblings do so too. I helped do everyone's laundry since I was 6 (my foster siblings and I were so small that just for one basket all three of us would have to grab on and drag it upstairs lol) and have continued to do mine and the foster parents's laundry since. I never got homework help, never did outside activities that would require the foster parents taking me places, I spent all my time in a forest (sometimes camping in it for weekends until I was old enough to be taken seriously if I complained about living conditions (around 13?). etc

Fourth, is it weird that I was required to do so much construction work? I've helped with the demolition and construction of many houses since I was 7-ish, ranging from taking down walls to plumbing to electrical wiring, creating walls, tiling, carpeting, roofing, making decks, etc etc etc. For a few years my bedroom was also used as a tool storage area, with tons of saws, knives, and tools all over the place. The foster mother was well aware of my suicidal tendencies and she would tell me to do it, put my in situations where I could do it, shame me for being "like that", and only cared if it ruined the foster parents' combined reputation.

Fifth, is it wrong for me to be upset at the idea that the only reason why I've ever been considered a wanted child (or wanted in general) is because how my trauma manifested as internal reactions rather than acting out (aka making me more controllable)? I should be happy that I had so many chances at having a family, even if I never stopped feeling like an orphan, right? (sorry, I've been thinking about this a lot for a while. I can't help but feel mad at the friend I have and school peers in the past because they never had to struggle at just the chance for family. They take it for granted. It's unfair.)



Last, does this fall into continued emotional and/or psychological abuse? Compared to my birth parents and other foster parents they seemed amazing to me, however from reading about other people's families I realize that my foster/adoptive parents sound equal or even worse (NOT to make it a competition, I mean "worse" in the sense that I didn't know those things were considered abusive, NOT that other people "have it easy". pain is pain, and no one likes being hurt.)

For instance, for a few months the foster mother was in the hospital and the foster father went to work and then went to the hospital, only coming home to sleep and make sure there was food for us to eat. I thought they were both at the hospital. We had no baby sitters, even though the oldest kid was 8 and the youngest was 5. Or the time that the foster mother threatened to break down my bedroom door and beat me because I was sick and didn't want to go out somewhere that gave me migraines. Or the many times the foster mother would keep insulting and berating me until I cried, but if I ever said anything I was "defending the fact that all I want to do in life is to suffer". Or how much the have laughed at me for trying to explain to them that I need psychological or physical help (the hardest I've ever seen them laugh is when I told them I was suicidal as a kid. They made jokes about me killing myself and how for months after). Or not being allowed water, or having food withheld, or how the foster mother's delusions have grown to the point that for years I've been denied not just the idea that I'm human, but the idea that I'm a living individual.

According to her I'm an extension of herself without autonomy or personhood, no one but her exists, everyone in the world is an illusion, and far far more. Constantly having to not just listen to multiple hour long rants and having to repeat/speak about how right she because she'd remove my access to water or food or online school (this was during the pandemic, which for me was 3 years straight of being in a new place knowing no one and left with 100% of my interaction being her or the foster father. Those years of psychological mind tricks (I have no clue how to explain it, brainwashing is the closest thing but I don't want to say that in case I'm wrong) definitely not done me good.



(That's also ignoring what happened at other foster homes I've lived at. There was a foster father that was... too "loving" towards young children, another who would lock me in a closet if I was in his eyesight too long, and a foster mother that had gotten frustrated at me for only meowing and hissing as I was had been beaten so many times I was afraid to try learning how to speak so she threw me outside to live with the dog. She'd clean me up and say I was telling stories if I said anything about it through my limited language skills, basically just wanted the money).

Apologies for how long this is, I completely understand if it takes you a long time to answer, or if you choose not to answer at all. Thank you for what you do for everyone, and thank you for taking time to answer everyone's stuff. I hope you have a good day and a good life.

Thank you for answering all of the questions and explaining to me how you survived. I appreciate all of the time you spent explaining it, and everything you said makes sense to me. This is going to be a long response as well, so I'll put it under 'read more'.

The way you survived is something I wouldn't even think possible, your entire body has adapted to the point where all of your senses have turned off, almost permanently, in order for life to still be possible. It is scary to know that this can even happen, and I hope dearly that this doesn't mess up your health (and I want to say, quality of life, but, uh.) I am sorry the lack of nutrition stumped your physical growth.

While your endurance over pain, hunger, and resistance to medicine might seem impressive, it is a sign of how harsh and dangerous your environment was, and how far you had to adapt in order to survive. It's understandable that it's very hard for you to relate to other people, when you're adapted for much different circumstances of life.

It's also incredible you managed to survive at all, and it makes sense you were always look for a way out, it would not have been possible to survive what you did, without hoping that you could end it. It is devastating what you felt compelled to do, but I'm going to try and stay collected to answer this, because I don't feel like you're looking for a display of emotions.

What you describe as co-hosts in your head, that definitely sounds like alters, but I've never heard of a case like yours, where they're shutting off, dying, and then regenerating and re-learning everything, in order to survive. Again, it makes sense with your living circumstances, that it has to be like that, anyone would burn out and shut off in any way possible, and you have to go thru that cylce in order to keep being alive. Still, I'm very sorry that you have to suffer thru this, and struggle to keep any personality you develop. It sounds like your personality forming was shattered into pieces, and it might take a long time to start recovering it, if it's even possible (I'm not smart about this, I really can't say.)

It would make sense that it stops you from feeling like a person though. I doubt there's a lot of people you can relate to, or even talk about this.

I said I would stay collected writing this, but when I read that you learned to speak only to beg people not to kill you, that felt like a physical blow. I had to close my laptop and take a few minutes. That proves unimaginable cruelty and life danger from humans that you had to endure, and your instincts had to over-write everything, even pain, in order to give you a slight chance of survival, and I know that this type of danger erases everything, your personality and sense of self, until there's nothing but pure survival instinct and it takes over.

People who called the foster parents asking why you did that, likely also understood what kind of cruelty trauma this implied.

The ranking system you described, it makes sense. It's not supposed to be like this. In a humane world, we do not have a ranking system, we are, in theory, supposed to all be equal, and none of us is supposed to do harm to another, thats the theory that society's foundations are set on. There are laws protecting it, or at least in theory, there are laws protecting people from the greatest harm. However, what you experienced from society was not like that. A lot of society is not like that. There are people who are intent on building a hierarchy everywhere, and they do feel entitled to do harm to anyone they set on a lower level. It happens in systems of corporations, education, economy, government, family, any system where there are people with authority over other people. And you have experienced the absolute worst of the worst of it. So you had to pick up their rules, the rules of those who need this hierarchy in order to get away with hurting others, who feel entitled to it and constantly need victims. Me and most other people are disgusted by it, and a lot of people want to believe that people in authority would not abuse the authority to cause harm, but by vast majority, they do.

The reason why this hierarchy is so prevalent among children, is that children are always the most vulnerable demographic, being small, defenseless, and in complete power and dependency of others. So they are the ones who get hurt first from the hierarchy system, who are most likely to fall victims – and not only that, but children will mimic whatever behaviour is presented to them, so they will mimic the hierarchy as well, and continue building it among themselves. This also means that the bigger, more aggressive and opportunistic children, will abuse smaller, more scared, more vulnerable, and more sensitive non-violent children. It is not how things are supposed to work, all children are supposed to be protected and safe from abuse. But you have lived the reality of it, and you know how the system works. Anyone who wants to do harm, will pick someone who can't fight back, and who will not be believed, and they can do to this individual whatever they want to, leaving this person with trauma to recover for ages. This isn't right, it's not humane, normal, or compatible with human life, it's an evil hierarchy that not all humans subscribe to. But it is, in the systems that people with power abuse, extremely common. And utterly devastating to live thru, as someone with no power over anyone else.

And I know that the rule 'anyone who kills you is well within their ranking to do so' feels incredibly true (I've felt this in my family as well), but it is not. Nobody's ranking gives them an authority to end your life, or to take it from you. Nothing can grant people the right to do this. What they're doing is getting away with it, when they shouldn't, and they have no right. This is people acting out of their right, out of what is normal, allowed, or humane. I know it doesn't sound real when so, so many people have done this to you, have tried to kill you, and acted like it was the most normal thing imaginable. But all of this was wrong. I'm sorry if what I'm writing right now is painful, I'm not sure how much I can say without making it worse – if something I said feels bad, feel free to disregard it completely.

*

I think the ranking you describe in your foster care is built in an inhumane way. Rewarding children for being extremely convenient, hiding trauma, hiding emotions, obeying and doing work, and punishing them for any actual normal child behaviour, like being openly traumatized, in pain, defiant, acting out, that's not done in child's benefit. Children deserve better than to be suppressed and play pretense in hopes that someone will some day find them worthy of love. It also invites foster parents who only care about 'keeping appearances' and nothing else to benefit from this system. I want to believe there are foster parents who'd want to help a child recover and live a happy life, and not just to have a convenient person who obeys them in the house.

I am so sorry about the amount of sexual violence, murder attempts, and abuse you had suffered in your foster home. I can see you're writing about it as if it's nothing, so I can assume this was very normal and common for you, and not something devastating and life-damaging (you've been thru worse at that point, so it's no surprise that this doesn't come to you as a huge deal). I'm glad you noticed that it is incredibly hypocritical of the foster parents to send that boy away for threatening someone at the bus, when he'd been doing way worse to you for ages – it had only mattered to the parents when someone else was involved, while you were treated as if your experience didn't matter, and he was again, allowed to do anything. This is wrong, and he should have been sent away for hurting you right away.

I can also kind-of, understand that you bonded strongly with your foster siblings, even if they were hurting you or trying to kill you. Your sense of bonding at this point is so strong, because your survival within the community depends on you having someone on your side, at least a little, at least sometimes. And murder attempts are so common for you, it doesn't seem like a deal breaker, what you needed was someone to make life a little more livable, and despite all the harm, your foster siblings still were that for you. So you didn't want them to go away. That is human and normal. We humans will pick abuse and harm over being completely neglected, alone and isolated. I think your reaction was completely understandable.

It is terrifying to find out that foster homes have removals of kids in such brutal and punishing manner. This is cruelty to children, and I didn't know how horrid the reality of it was. I am so sorry that you were forced to live in such a place.  

About the human trafficking claim, the thing is that the ranking system they had for you, and the videos, do sound extremely oppressive and messed up, almost like they were training you to be obedient and then creating a catalogue for potential 'owners' to watch. It doesn't sound like something loving parents would want to do when picking out a kid, they'd want to spend time with the kid, get to know them personally, not hear about 'qualities' and watch a video that proves obedience. Coupled with the fact that after you were adopted, you were forced to work from the age of 7, and construction work as well, makes it sounds extremely like human trafficking to me. I mean, it's not a 100%, because I assume even in these circumstances, it's possible for a kid to get adopted without necessarily being put to work for no wage (which is human trafficking, being put in a position where you're forced to work to survive, often in bad conditions and without money, or benefits, you only get your life), but the situation they set up sounds like it was made specifically to attract traffickers – in this case, people who wanted a child laborer, with a promise that the kid would be extremely well behaved, obedient, and would do any work required of them. While for complete diagnosis of human trafficking, the foster home would have to take money from the parents in order to take the kids – and I don't know if this is the case or not, I'm not knowledgeable about how foster systems work, it's possible that the money exchange is secretly taking place, or that the person who set it up this way did it on purpose, and is financially benefitting from kids being given to those who are most likely to use them for free child labour. So what I think is that it definitely does cause human trafficking. It created the perfect setup for it and it attracts people who can pick out who they want for free labour. If anyone reading this knows more about it, or could give a better analysis of this, please do. It does look like trafficking to me. Not even necessarily because of the CD's, more because of the obedience training and hierarchy, but the CD's sound so cold and alarming and not like something genuine adoptive parents would want to experience.

It's alarming to know that your foster parents changed your name, modifying your entire identity, and forbade you from learning a lot about your past. It sounds like they were set on controlling who you are allowed to be, and who they are in the story (it's probable they were trying to build a story of saving you, from your horrible birth parents, they would surely look good in comparison no matter what they did, given how extremely you were abused in the past.)

The fact that you worked construction, without any safety measures, without protection or any regulations or rewards, proves that this labour was extracted from you in return for your life, which is trafficking. Even your physical illnesses and pains were ignored. This is something that would be brutal even to an adult to endure, and is generally considered a cruel and unsurvivable thing to go thru. I can tell that after your past, a person who doesn't physically hurt you or make you cry is a big improvement and gave you a sense of physical safety, even if you were required to constantly offer labour in return for life, at least it wasn't pain, damage, life threats and murder attempts, so it makes perfect sense that this just felt, a little off! It's extremely common for victims of abuse, to continue going thru life while suffering some lesser amounts of abuse and thinking it was nothing, or it's no big deal, because we're so used to horrid treatment, anything better than the worst seems like a walk in the park, and we're just grateful that things aren't worse for us. So your reaction to it is completely logical. It's only in the context of looking at it from the eyes of a not-abused person, that it looks pretty horrifying, having to work construction as a child, with a person who fails to have any bond with you, while having effectively no caretakers, nobody to emotionally rely on, all while just being grateful things aren't worse.

Your foster mother was parentifying you, meaning she wanted you to take care of her, instead of it being the reverse. It's disturbing that they called your brain 'defective', because it's anything but that, your brain is one of the most brilliant masters of survival, you should be given a lot of credit for going thru all of what you did, and ending up this intelligent, coherent, communicative, clear and understanding. I understand you had to become this way out of necessity and because you had no other choice, but I believe you should still be given credit that you did all that, despite how little you had to work with.

It's also disturbing they only allowed you to watch construction and murder, it's like they wanted your entire world to be reduced to working, and knowing that you can be killed at any minute, it's almost like a threat and a blackmail in order to keep you obedient and working at all times – not that they needed to, you were already in so much terror it was unlikely you would disobey.

The 'special privilege' your mother was claiming to give you was really just parentification, possibly emotional incest (asking massages and expecting you to emotionally cater to her needs). It's very likely that she could be narcissistic. The core lessons she taught you were so dehumanizing and put you in a position where you could only have worth as much as you can be of use to her – which is how narcissist view others. This is not normal or common. You were human the entire time, more human than she was.

You are more than capable of experiencing and effectively describing reality, the way you described it here to me is both eloquent and easy to understand, regardless of how horrifying and dark your reality is. You are good at expressing what happened, and at analyzing it as well. So why would she set rules that would blame you for everything bad that ever happened to you, when you had absolutely no control over it? In order to be able to do more bad things to you, and never be held accountable. She also wanted to keep you silent from ever telling on her (if you talk to others you'll spread the curse) and if you are inconvenient or troublesome we can kill you (it's not hard to hide a body). I feel like you already understand that all of the rules are only self-serving for her, and made so that again, she'd have so much power over you, she could get away with anything.

But in reality, all of those core values are bullshit, and only a cruel, inhumane and evil person could ever impose that on a child (or any other person, really).

I know it can feel devastating that even after all that abuse, you ended up in another threatening, dangerous and exploitative situation, but again, this is pretty common for victims of heavy abuse, that we often find ourselves in some other version of abuse, and usually we go bit by bit until we reach a healthier stage. You can move on from this and find a better environment that will value your humanity in a real way. You were never anything other than human, but you were put in a lot of situations that made it hard for you to feel that, or rather, too painful to feel it. It's easier on the heart to believe you do deserve all this, and that you are to blame, rather than to think that you were a helpless, blameless kid subjected to cruelty for no other reason than someone wanted it, and could get away with it.

To answer your questions:

Even though your life is so dark, I find myself relating to the parts of the story, which scares me, but also gives me hope that you can find a way to freedom, even with a situation this dire. I can tell that you're calm and collected thru it all, which I admire, but it also makes me think you are completely numb and dissociated from the pain you're experiencing, so that you could talk coherently and calmly. However, you're asking for an outside perspective of someone who doesn't think it's all normal – while I don't think it's normal at all, I might not be the best outside perspective, since I'm also viewing it from the lens of abuse. I think true outside perspective would be to be completely and utterly horrified, shocked, devastated and shaken by everything you've been thru, which I do feel as well, but I'm not going to be of much help if I give in to feelings.

The CD's themselves, I don't think are a proof of trafficking, though they are weird, cold, and combined with everything else, do play a part in enabling the trafficking. It is good to ask questions, there are people who know and understand far more about human trafficking, and you should keep asking, and pointing out what feels off to you. You did end up in a situation where two people with absolutely no desire to care for a child, have gotten a child who was sure to obey their orders, work for them for free, take care of one of them emotionally, and endure dehumanizing and threatening environment. This is a form of trafficking – and I should say, trafficking doesn't always feel like you're trafficked. It feels like 'this is just what life is and I should be grateful that it's not worse, because I know worse, I could be dying on the street right now, but if I do this I'll be allowed to live'. And I believe that you are in this situation, and it's not your fault, and there's not much you can do about it immediately.

I don't think its normal for any kind of parents to expect you to raise yourself. That is just severe neglect and parentification (expecting the child to act the role of a parent or a caretaker). You should have had meals and clothes provided to you, you should have had actual care and gentleness and opportunity to talk about what happened to you and what is bothering you. And you should have never been give to people who would mess you up even further, do damage to your brain, threaten you or try to convince you that you're not human. You should have gotten help with homework and everything else. You shouldn't have been put in a situation where you're responsible for the care of very young children when you were 6. You should have been taken places and given happy experiences. You should have been given good living conditions and peace of mind. You should have been told that you're a good child, that you're doing well, and that everyone wants you around and is proud of you.

I'm curious about the forest, because I love the forest, does it feel safe for you to be in the nature? I want to be in the forest forever.

4. And your fourth question about the construction work – no, thats trafficking. Your room should not have been used as a storage either. You were used as a free worker and a servant, and not treated as a child there to be cared for and healed from sever trauma. Also your foster mother pushing you to suicide, thats hateful and gross. It should have never happened.

5. It's not wrong for you to be upset. You were wanted as a free worker because they realized it would be easy to threaten you into obedience, and that you're way too scared of adults to ever disobey, or complain about anything. Your trauma put you in a situation where you would once again, be exploited. It's also normal for you to still feel like an orphan, since none of your parents did any caretaking, or took the role of actually parenting you at any point, they did not build a bond with you, they only kept using you, and you had no idea of knowing that this wasn't normal, or that it was neglect and abuse. It's normal to be mad at other people who take their families for granted, when it's something you sacrificed everything for. It really is not fair.

6. You did well to figure out that your foster parenting experience is not normal, that could not have been easy. Compared to your birth parents, I believe, anyone would seem amazing. Just less violence and less murder threats is amazing compared to constant attempts and constant violence. The only way you could have judged them is by comparison, and your birth parents were off the charts, most cruel and vicious beings imaginable. And I appreciate you pointing out that you're not making a competition out of it, it's true, we're not making a competition, but we can say one type of abuse is more life threatening than the other, and that different abuse brings out different kinds of feelings and consequences, and that some types of sever abuse, make other types seem invisible, harmless, no big deal, or even amazing.

What you describe about your mother saying 'all you want to do in life is suffer' and laughing at you for needing psychological and physical help, even when you're suicidal, is once again, hateful and cruel behaviour, and nobody should have done this to you. Accusing you of 'wanting your suffering' is insane. Laughing at a suicidal kid is inhumane. That is not funny, to normal humans it's devastating.

Your mother treating you as an extension of herself sounds a lot like she's trying to achieve enmeshment and engulfed relationship, like what narcissistic mothers do, because she wants you to be bonded to her, but in a way that you care for her, while she doesn't care for you. This isn't fair, and it's not normal. You are not an extension of anyone, you are yourself, and you have the right to do things that benefit you, and only you, and it does not make you selfish. You also have the right to refuse the things that hurt you, and everyone should respect that. Removing access from food, water or online school, is violation of your human rights, and not a punishment that is normal, or legal to use. I am so sorry you were alone with them and brainwashed for so long. I feel that you are so incredibly intelligent that you will see thru it, and I'm sure you're right to say it. Being isolated with people who see nothing human in you, would brainwash anyone.

Again, I am so sorry for what everyone have put you thru, they had no right. The other events you're describing are also horrifying and sound too painful to bear. You were treated worse than people treat animals, and they could have not do any of this to you, and they would have been just fine. It was their choices to do this.

Thank you for reaching out and for answering my questions, I knew it was selfish of me to ask, but I'm glad you got back to me and responded. I hope my answer helps you a bit, and you can keep talking to me if you want to. I'll try to open my inbox sooner this time.

#tw extreme abuse #tw murder attempts #tw csa #tw child rape #tw cocsa #tw suicide attempts #tw physical abuse #recovering from extreme abuse #parentification #human trafficking #enmeshment #abusive foster parents #foster system abuse #system of ranking who gets to abuse who #hierarchy of abuse #victim blaming #dehumanization #brainwashing #victim silencing #dissociative disorder #cptsd #trauma

[moreorlessfish]

Moscow Mule

din djarin x female!reader

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Word Count: 1,255

Summary: The fateful encounter and small banter.

Warnings: no y/n usage, a small mention of alcohol and weapons? idk

Notes: I haven't written anything in a while, so I hope this is good. I got pretty excited while writing this and I hope you enjoy it. Thanks for reading :)

"If you want, I'll go looking for you."

These are words that are muttered when you know you really want someone. To him, they've only known each other for a few days, but to her... they've known each other forever. In reality, they've always known each other.. they just never interacted until that one fateful day.

It was a sunny day. You were walking around a city you had only been in for less than a few minutes. On the way to Nevarro, you were filled to the brim with impatience and annoyance. Now, you were admiring the beauty of the city. A few traveling stands with merchants behind them almost distracted you, but before you could give in to your distractions - you were reminded of why you had traveled so far.

"Ah, I see you made it," calls out a gruff voice. There's a man leaning on the side of a cream-colored wall. The sun shines on his dark skin - illuminating the mustache that lies on his upper lip. He makes eye contact with you - waiting for a response.

With a sigh, you say, "Hello, Greef Karga."

"Well hello to you too." He waits for you to move closer before he continues, "Thank you for meeting with me. I know it's not easy to travel here from your home planet." You nod your head and allow him to continue the conversation, but instead, he observes your face.

"You seem exhausted. How about we get a drink? Sit down a little - talk through our matters and then you can be on your merry way back to Kipler." He smiles and while you try to object he's already leading you into the building that holds the infamous bounty guild.

It's only after he orders your drinks and demands that you sit at a table with him, that he begins the conversation you traveled so far to have with him.

"Look, I know you're upset with the fact that you have a bounty on your head, but there's really nothing I can do." It took a lot of strength for you to not slap him in the face after hearing that, but before you could even lay a hand on him, he continues, "I've looked into it. Your bounty for some odd reason has been reopened to the public." He sips on the beer that he ordered before he speaks again, "I can't say for sure whether someone has decided to pursue your bounty, but what I can say is that I'm working on getting it taken down." You stare as he takes another sip from his drink and he tries his best to not look away from your form.

"I don't believe you."

Once again, he takes sips from his beer to try and avoid having to speak. Once he realizes that you are full-on glaring at him, he sets his drink down on the table. His face takes on a serious look.

"I am being one hundred percent honest with you. I took it literally when you said you were leaving the guild. I mean.. I had no choice. You practically left me a goodbye note and fell off the face of the planet. Now, I don't know why you made that decision, but I do know that this situation you're in is annoying." He sighs, "I'm sure the reason you went back to your home planet was to relax and get away from this lifestyle. That however is the problem.. once you're in this line of work - it never leaves you. Trust me, it's hectic to run a guild, but I am trying my best to work on getting this bounty off your head. In the meantime, I'd like for you to stay here on Nevarro. A few hunters and I can keep our eyes on you while this bounty is still public."

"I can protect myself."

He chuckles, "I know you can. Hell, you are one of the best bounty hunters that I know. It was an honor for you to be a part of this guild, but I need to make sure that you don't get caught." Before you can protest, he says, "Let me do this one favor for you."

As you were about to respond to him, you hear the door to the guild open. In a matter of seconds, the conversations that were present during your own conversation with Greef Karga died down. The feeling in the air had become intense. It is only when you see a figure stop right at your table that you realize why the energy of the room had changed.

That's when you were face to face with him.

The Mandalorian.

...

It's the sound of clinking armor that brings you back into the present moment. The sound stops and that's when you see him fumbling with the controls of his ship. He was currently in the middle of doing maintenance work on his beloved ship - the Razor Crest. Even though he wasn't a full-on professional and he didn't know every little thing about starship maintenance - he did his best to keep his ship in good shape.

You were currently writing in your journal. Sitting in one of the chairs in the control room. It had only been two days since you started hanging with the armor-clad man, but you already felt comfortable with his presence. Silence fills the room - with the occasional clicking from the controls - and you loved it. Peace and quiet. It felt like a warm blanket that just came out of the dryer. Silence.

"Why does your face look like that."

"....Excuse me?"

You see your reflection on the visor of his helmet. Your nose is scrunched and you have a small frown on your face as a reaction to his previous comment.

"You seem bored," he says as he turns back around to the controls on the control panel.

You scoff, "I don't want to hear that from you, Tin Can."

He responds quickly, "I have a name."

You continue, "Well, Lame-o, that's a funny thing for you to say. You're only doing maintenance because you haven't gotten a job yet."

You hear a small whisp from the voice modulator on his helmet, but you don't care. You continue speaking your thoughts, "You haven't stopped moving around since we left the bounty guild. You're restless and yet you're talking about how I look bored? How dare you ruin the moment of silence that I was enjoying."

He doesn't look back at you, but he does open his mouth, "If you have a problem with me working on my ship, then you can get off it."

You huff, "Maybe I will then."

"Fine by me," he sasses back.

"Well..," you pause, "..fine."

You stand up from the chair and make your way down the ladder. You placed your journal back into your bag and sorted through your case of weapons. Although you're a bounty hunter who's a new pestering guest on the Mandalorian's ship, you didn't feel the need to keep your weapons on you. A dumb decision, but regardless you were comfortable with the man suited in armor. You grabbed your black woven satchel and checked that you had your weapons concealed throughout your outfit. You placed a black headscarf on your head to help cover your face from the bright sun that beamed onto the planet. Once your shoes hit the ashy ground, you hear his voice again.

"Come back before the sun sets or I'm locking you out."

#the mandalorian #the mandalorian x reader #the mandalorian x you #din djarin #din djarin fic #din djarin x reader #din djarin x you #mando #greef karga #star wars #pedro pascal

[an-angel-in-the-garden]

hihi lilly~ so i was thinking since we've been playing genshin lately id thought id throw a curve ball and do a genshin ask~ so i was thinking lets boop xiao, tartaglia, dainsleif, hu tao, qiqi, and barbara~

I'm very glad I got you to join me in Genshin. Also yess give them a nice boop. Reader is a fill in for traveler so the characters of choice are adventuring with you. Reader is like a sibling to Qiqi; the others can be taken as romantic.

Xiao

Sometimes traveling with Xiao is difficult. He works hard to keep you and everyone else safe but this often leaves him frazzled and tired he never gets a moment to rest. So when the two of you travel you do your best to lighten his burden however you can. After a rather calm day of commissions you and Xiao had settled down for the night you knew he would leave soon for his work as a yaksha but for now the two of you would just enjoy the evening. It's only a short break but it's nice sitting at camp like this and as he gets ready to leave you rush to his side. " Xiao make sure you come back safely okay" He glares, making a sound of acknowledgement " You don't need to tell me I won't let myself be overcome." You lightly tap his nose with a smile and his eyes widen " Why would you do that!" Red dusts his cheeks and you laugh " Because I wanted to, now be safe Xiao." Just like that he's gone slightly embarrassed but excited to rejoin you already.

Tartaglia

Training is nothing new with Tartaglia one big fight each week and a few small matches when traveling, it's become the norm. Another day of commissions, nothing too hard and it left Child in the mood to fight. It wasn't long till he was on the ground laughing in joy even though he'd lost…again. " A good fight as always!" You smile walking over to offer him a hand, he grabs it but before you help him stand you lean forward then. " Boop!" With a tap to his nose you step back and help him stand. " Oh is this some kind of new sneak attack? Trying to throw me off hm." You laugh " No I just wanted to do that!" Tartaglia grins, placing a hand on your head with a fond look. " I'll have to try that at some point!." With that the two of you head off to make camp.

Dainsleif

You don't get to see Dainsleif often so the few times you meet with him makes for a nice rest. The night air is chilly and things have settled down so Dainsleif thought it best to just rest for now. It was spent just talking, both about the past and what the future could hold. Nights like these are ones you look forward to most. They feel so right and seeing him under the moonlight brings a sense of ease to you. " The stars feel like they've gotten brighter don't you think?" It's one of the few times he can be unguarded and it's nice to see so without thinking you reach over and boop him on the nose. " How odd…why would you do that." " I just wanted to~" He looks somewhat bewildered but not unhappy. " It's a sign of affection" At that he smiles, nods his head and the conversation starts anew.

Hu Tao

Hu Tao has always been playful. She smiles and laughs in almost any situation but being so close to her it's easy to tell when things start to weigh on her. Today was one of those days, having done all the requests given to us we had decided to just take a walk. It was small but the slight sag in her shoulder and kicking of her feet said a lot. " Hey Hu Tao, come here." She stops and turns to look at you " Ah do you need something for me~" You smile once she steps close you reach up and tap her right on the nose. " Boop! hehe I got you." Her laugh rings out and she moves quickly to tap your nose in return. " Now we're even!" With that Hu Tao grabs your hand and starts a march forward with no real destination in mind.

Qiqi

It's a joy to travel with Qiqi, she'd become family to you so fast. Right now you were just showing her around Inazuma for the first time since the decree ended. Even though she never expresses much, the awe in her eyes is still clear as she looks around and points at things for you to explain. " Thank you for bringing Qiqi here." You smile crouching down to look at the flowers with her. " No problem. If you ever want to go anywhere just let me know." She tilts her head " Qiqi will do her best not to forget this!" You smile at her, bringing your hand up to lightly tap her nose, her eyes go wide. " Don't worry I'll remember it for us both." She nods again before handing you her book asking for you to write down all the important things of the day just in case.

Barbara

Barbara is always doing her best, that is a very obvious thing. From her work in the church or being an idol to helping with any work you might have been given. On days when you have nothing left just winding down with Barbara is a wonderful time, tonight you were sitting under the stars and drinking some of her Chilibrew. The breeze was light and with each sip she seemed to relax a little more, it brought a smile to your face. Without really thinking you leaned over, finger tapping the tip of her nose. " Oh!" Barbara looks stunned for a second before she breaks out into a large smile. The two of you laugh leaning against each other, drinks now forgotten. As you close your eyes to take a breath Barbara takes the chance to boop you back , falling into another fit of giggles at your shock.

Well that's a thing! Barbara was really hard to write for and I don't know why. Still I hope you like it! Glad you've been enjoying Genshin. Next up will be another Dandelion thing, once more for Jisoo but also Jiyeon so if you like that look forward to it! ~ Lilly

#reader x #reader imagine #x reader #reader insert #genshin x reader #genshin impact imagines #genshin impact x reader #genshin imagines #xiao x reader #tartagalia x reader #dainsleif x reader #hu tao x reader #barbara x reader #qiqi x reader

[deshaunicus]

Just sharing two of my favorite photos from 2023, but I also really need to just vent a little. The past year was a trying one for me.

There were some positives, for sure, and I've already written about those elsewhere. Today, however, I want to unload some of the more stressful things. I don't plan on going into a ton of detail, but I think I need to say it somewhere because I haven't been in a good place.

Work

The biggest source of stress for me has been losing my job at the end of June. I made a big move and left my finance job of 15 years to work for a non-profit media company in early 2022, and I got laid off about 18 months later. Make no mistake here: I loved that job and all the people I worked with. It was kind of heartbreaking to leave a place that made me feel so welcome. In the time since then, I've applied to a ton of jobs, and I've had only one interview. The interview that I was able to get wasn't even through the traditional application method—I had a friendly rapport with a recruiter and managed to land an interview that went all the way to its final round. Unfortunately, I didn't get that job and it was crushing. The little bit of savings I had has been depleted, and my unemployment ends in a few weeks. Job searching is fundamentally broken and it doesn't appear to be improving.

I've always struggled to get paid photo gigs, and despite what I'd consider to be a solid catalog of work, it has been difficult to consistently get in front of people who can offer paid opportunities. To that point, I had 4 paid concert gigs last year, out of 26 gigs total. I did have a handful of photography gigs that were not live music related, and I'm incredibly grateful for those, because they've helped to keep my rent paid for a little longer. Still, these are only occasional drops of income that aren't sustainable. I don't know what to do, and I'm pretty exhausted.

Relationships

Last year was possibly one of the loneliest years I can remember. Thankfully, my best friendships are still intact and I don't see that changing. However, there were just a lot of transitions that were starting to settle in for me. Most of my friends are married and/or have children, and quite a few of them have moved away too. It doesn't mean the friendships have dissolved—they're just different now and can't be maintained in quite the same way. Unfortunately, I still find myself occasionally revisiting abandoned friendships from years ago and grieving in one way or another—usually by having a flash of anger and then disappointment.

Romantic relationships were nonexistent. In fact, I essentially swore off of dating early in the year after a particularly demoralizing experience. Losing my job, of course, cemented that hiatus for me.

Professional relationships have also struggled. My attempts to nurture new relationships with artists, editors, and creative staff for photo work were fruitless. I did have a couple of people who successfully recommended me for work, but my own personal outreach was unsuccessful.

Outlook

I have made an effort to take the time and look back on the good things that have happened. I don't have selective memory about the good and bad things, but the bad things have been a mess. I don't know how I'll pay rent next month. If I manage to pay that, then the month after that becomes the new major concern, and so on. This is worse than paycheck to paycheck—there are no paychecks.

When friends casually mention things like plans for kids and marriage to me, I no longer confidently believe either of those things are in my future. Instead, I feel unlovable.

My sleep schedule is completely upside down now, and I don't leave my apartment for days at a time. I'm tired, and I would like to have one bit of security back.

On the very, very slim chance that you've reached the end of this, I applaud you. Part of the reason this is here is because I don't think very many people will check.

I hope that whatever 2023 was for you, 2024 ends up being better.

#2023 in review #personal

[gxbbyhoneybadger]

Can you feel my Heart #5

Pairing: Joel Miller x!F!Reader

Summary: A few days pass after the tragedy that struck Y/n, Joel and the kids. Moving onwards to search for Tommy, during that time, they reunite and soon the kids find out about the late passing of both Sarah and Noah.

Warnings: child death, suicide, arguments, mentions of past conflict, blood, trauma, big time angst, grief, survivors guilt.

Minors DNI 🔞 18 below the cut

Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV

--

"Well, it's safe to say those two have officially bonded, Y/n is still getting used to them though. What're you guys doin'?" Ellie asked as she entered the room. "Taking stock of all the food we found today." Sam answered. "It's a good amount." Elliot grinned.

"I see. . . And how are we doing on canned peaches?" She asked. "Did Henry send you?" Sam huffed. "No. Why would Henry send me?" Ellie replied. "To make sure I'm not fucking up somehow." Sam responded.

"Psshhh. I'd say we all did pretty good back there—especially you guys." She smiled, Max was already asleep in the corner as Elliot looked at Sam who stood and silently walked to the window. "Well. . ."

"Is everything alright, man?" Elliot questioned. "Everything's fine." Sam said. "Okay. . . Well. . . Have a good night then." Ellie added. "How is it that you're never scared? Both of you." Sam quickly asked. "Who says that we're not?" Ellie chuckled.

"What're you scared of?" Sam inquired them. Elliot rubbed the back of his head and looked at Ellie, "The ocean is pretty scary." He said. "Let's see. . . scorpions are pretty creepy." Ellie added, Sam rolled his eyes and looked back at the window before Ellie spoke. "Being by myself. I'm scared of ending up alone. What about you, Elliot?" She asked. "Being left behind. I don't want to be alone either, it's kind of similar. . . I just imagine being trapped somewhere and everyone just forgets about me and runs away." Elliot said, "You, Sam?"

"Those things out there. What if the people are still inside? What if they're trapped in there, without any control over their body? I'm scared of that happening to me." Sam answered. "Okay, first of all, we're a team now. We're gonna help each other out. And second, they might still look like people, but that person is not in there anymore." Ellie explained. "Henry says that, "they've moved on". That they're with their families. Like in heaven. Do you think that's true?" Sam asked.

"I go back and forth. I mean, I'd like to believe it." Ellie said. "Well, I do. I believe it does. I mean, how do we even exist." Elliot added. "But she doesn't." Sam commented. "I guess not." Ellie sighed. "Yeah. . . me neither." Sam mumbled, "Why do you believe in it, Elliot?"

Elliot looked at the window as he fiddled with his fingers. "I guess I. . . I find it comforting, that even if we do die, we still get to leave and enter a paradise place. It's like we don't actually die, we just fly off to a peaceful world and rest up there. Like retirement, y'know." He grinned. Ellie nodded before sighing, "I'll see ya tomorrow."

Elliot left with Ellie and Sam sits in his chair again, glancing at Max before looking at the wound on his leg, sustained when he and Henry both ran off and left the others behind. Next morning, Henry was cooking breakfast. When Joel woke up, Y/n was gone. At first he thought she took off without a word, but Henry calmed his nerves when he told him, "She just went out to hunt something. Said that we need some meat for our nutrition. Was she some sort of health coach before this? A nurse?" Henry chuckled.

"She. . . I think she was studyin' about becomin' a nurse." Joel sighed. "Damn. That smells good." Ellie yawned while waking up. Elliot kicked her arm as she shoved his foot away as he chuckled. "Good morning, Lazy ass." Elliot smirked. "Shut up." Ellie groaned, "Where's Sam?"

"I let him sleep in for once." Henry answered. "Oh." Ellie mumbled. "Well if you want him to join us, you can go wake his ass up.", "Okay." She sighed.

~Y/n pov~

A large turkey was rare to come by, I guess I'll call it luck. I continued to walk on to the radio tower, birds fluttered off the branches. I carried the freshly killed turkey by it's legs, it was big and plump. It was a male from the looks of it. If my past self was here, I doubt she'd have any idea what the difference was between turkeys.

I had a restless night because of what happened, I didn't notice my fingers touching my lips. Trying to remember his lips on mine, he kissed me. And fuck, did it feel good, I wanted more. Much more than what I got but. . . I can't. It's not good. It's not worth everything we've gone through, if we go back to whatever we had back then, we're as good as dead.

I reached the radio tower and made it up, "Sam! Sam, stop! Sam!!" I heard multiple screams, Ellie, Elliot and Max's scream of terror. "What the hell?!" I heard Joel say. I rammed the door open and saw Sam tackling Max into the room. "Shit! He's turnin'!" Joel warned as he ran for his gun, I dropped the turkey and reached for my own when I heard a gunshot. "That's my fucking brother!" Henry said, as he aimed at Joel. He didn't notice me yet.

"Sam!" Elliot shouted, but Sam was growling and snapping at Max. "Shit!" I growled before running and tackling Sam off of Max, I pinned his smaller body under mine and held his writhing arms behind his back. He growled and shrieked at me as he struggled to move. "Oh, shit!" Ellie gasped.

"Max? Max, are you alright?" I asked her as I looked to see if she was okay. She was sobbing, her lip quivering as she quickly ran into Joel's chest to hug him. "No. . . Sam." Elliot murmured.

"Sam?" Henry whispered. "Oh no. . ." Ellie muttered. "Sam. . ." He began to tear up. "Henry. Ellie, Elliot, stay here. Henry." Joel said as he held Max close to behind him as he stood up to reach out for Henry.

"Henry, just. . . Just breathe, Henry." I said as I continued to hold Sam down. "I'm gonna get that gun from you, okay?" Joel said while slowly inching closer to Henry. "Sa—Sa. . .Sam." He stuttered out before looking at me, he raised the gun at me and gripped it tightly. "Henry, Henry, don't do this." I said as the kids grew wide-eyed. "Whoa. Okay, okay, easy." Joel said while he raised his hands to not appear as a threat for Henry.

"It's your fault." He to us. "This is nobody's fault, Henry." Joel said. "Henry, calm down. I know. I know it hurts. Please, just lower the gun. We can do this the proper way, just lower it." I softly said—the gun went off and Sam went limp beneath me. His blood splattered on my cheek when the bullet broke through his skull.

I flinched but let go of Sam, I snapped my eyes to Henry and got up—running to him to grab the gun when I saw him pull it up to the side of his head. "Henry-!" Bam!

"Oh fuck!" The teens yelped.

I opened my eyes and saw the blood over my chest and hands, I could feel it on my face as I avoided looking down at the body. My head then slowly turned to look at Joel who was just as shocked as I was.

~3rd pov~

"Jackson County. That means we're close to Jackson City, right?" Ellie asked as the group walked on. Max was hugging Joel's shoulders as he carried her. "Shouldn't be more than a few miles." Y/n said as she led them forward. "So you ready to see your dear old brothers?" Elliot asked them. "I'm just ready to get there." answered Joel. "I'm not here to see my brother." Y/n replied.

"Why? You nervous?" Ellie questioned. "No. . . I don't know what I'm feeling." Y/n exhaled as she approached a washed out road ahead. "So much for this road." Ellie scoffed. "I just follow the river anyway. It'll lead us straight to Tommy's. Come on, all of you." Y/n ordered as she moved to find the river.

"What happened between you two?" Elliot inquired. "What do you mean? Her and her brother?" Joel asked. "You and Tommy. . . you're not together, so clearly something went down. And, yes, also her and her brother." Ellie added. "We all just had a bit of a disagreement, that's all." Joel said. "Psh, disagreement, my ass." Y/n scowled while climbing down the edges to cross the river.

"Oh, here we go. . . so what was it about?" Elliot pushed on as he followed behind Joel. "Tommy and Matthew saw the world one way, Y/n and I saw it the other."

"And that's why they both joined the Fireflies?" Ellie asked. "Yeah, your friend Marlene promised them both hope. That kept them busy for awhile, but just like Tommy and Matt, they eventually quit that too." Joel replied. "Um, how was it, the last time you guys saw either of them?" Elliot wondered. "I believe Tommy's last words to me were "I don't ever want to see your damn face again.''" added Joel.

"And, you, Y/n?" Ellie asked. "No comment." Y/n said as they kept walking. "Okay? But are they gonna help us?" Elliot replied. "I suppose we're gonna find out." Joel said. "Well, with or without his help, we'll get there." Ellie said confidently. "Less talking, more walking." Y/n cut in.

Later they come to a large structure spanning the river. What's that? asked Max with her hands. "Max wants to know what that thing is. "That there is a hydroelectric power plant." Joel answered. "A. . .hydra who?" Ellie mumbled. "It, uh. . . uses the river's movement and turns it into electricity." Joel said. "How's it do that?" Elliot questioned. "Look. I know what it is, I don't know how it does it." Joel sighed.

"At the plant level, water flows through a pipe—which is known as a penstock—and then the water spins the blades in a turbine, which, in turn, spins a generator that ultimately produces electricity for people to use." Y/n explained. "Whoa. . . Wait, how do you know that?" Ellie inquired.

"I. . . I used to be a teacher. . . Taught stuff like this to my students." She muttered as she reached for her bag. "What did you teach?" inquired Elliot. "Math, Science, history, I was a substitute teacher. I'd fill in for the others if they couldn't make it. And if you ask me one more thing, that'll be your final question." She said as she moved.

"How many many questions did we have?" Elliot asked.

"That was your final question." Y/n replied. "What?! That's not fair!", "Life isn't fair."

Elliot scoffed and crossed his arms, "You're a mean lady." Y/n rolled her eyes and said, "Yes, yes, I am. I'm only here to protect and deliver you. And that means you have to do as I say. So, if you for you to sleep, you sleep. If you don't, you'll be weak. If you're weak, you'll be slow. If you're slow, you'll die."

"Alright. . . how are we getting across?" Ellie groaned.

~~~

All five made it across, Joel helped carry Max across and Y/n guided Ellie and Elliot. "Teamwork!" Ellie smiled as she high fived Max, Elliot and Joel, even if he sighed while doing it. She waited for Y/n, but didn't receive one. "Okay, leave me hanging." Ellie mumbled.

Y/n led them by a small dirt mound with a teddy bear on it. Joel saw the guilt wash over Y/n's face when she tore her gaze away from the grave. "That's too small of a grave." commented Joel. "I forgot to leave that stupid robot on his grave. What should I do with it?" Elliot asked. "Elliot." Y/n scolded. "What? I want to talk about it too." Ellie chipped in.

"No." Joel cut in. "Why not?" Elliot asked. "How many times must we need to go over this? Bad things happen. . . and we move on." Y/n said. "It's just-", "That's enough." Joel finally said.

~~~

"Aughh, I'm so hungry." Ellie whined as they walked on. "I know, I am too." Elliot grunted. "That's what you get for eating all the food. Max was the smart one for listening to me." Y/n said. "Alright, next squirrel I see, I'm totally killing it." Elliot grumbled. "Let's get past this place, then we can scrounge up some food." Joel said.

"Well, if I starve, you're both responsible." Ellie pointed out. They go around the dam, but the road leading out is blocked was blocked by a large gate. "Uh. . . Should we head in?" Ellie asked. "Ah, ain't no way around. . . Gonna have to cut through the plant." Joel tried to open the large doors, only for Y/n to stop him when survivors above them with guns appeared and aimed at them. "Don't even think about reaching for your weapon. Tell the kids to drop theirs. Now." A woman with short blonde hair said.

"Kids, do as the lady says." Joel warned them as he raised his hands. "Okay." They mumbled. "Please tell me you're lost." She said. "We didn't know the place was occupied. We're just trying to make our way through." Joel explained.

"Through to where?" She questioned. "Maria, they're with me. I got something for Tommy." Y/n said while pulling down her hood to look up at her. "What, you know these people? Wait, you're back? I thought I wouldn't see you again." Maria grinned.

"I know him." A voice said from behind the gate which is then opened and revealed Tommy standing there with a rifle. "He's my damn brother."

"Tommy." Joel sighed as Tommy approached him. "Holy shit." Tommy gasped as he hugged Joel. "How you doin', baby brother?" Joel asked him. Max nervously hid behind Y/n as Ellie and Elliot stood beside her.

"Damn." Tommy muttered as he looked at Joel. "Yeah.", "Let me look at you. You got fucking old." Tommy teased. "Easy, it's gonna happen to you too." Joel commented.

"This is Maria. Be nice to her, she sorta runs things around here." Tommy said before walking towards Y/n who walked slightly afar from them. "Been a year, huh?" He asked her. "Close. Here, found what you needed." Y/n said as she handed him a small box. Tommy opened it and saw two gold rings, "You found wedding rings!" He smiled as he looked back at Maria.

"My wedding gift to you." Y/n said, Tommy hugged her and she sighed before patting his back, "Alright. You can let me go now.", "Ma'am. Thanks for not blowing my head off." Joel said. "Would've been embarrassing, considering you're my brother-in-law." Maria said. Joel looked at Tommy with surprise as Y/n crossed her arms with a smirk.

"We all gotta get wrangled up at some point. I see you have with Y/n." Tommy smiled as he looked at the two. Y/n snickered as she shook her head, "No, it isn't like that. We moved on and we plan on going our separate ways after this is over." Y/n explained as she tucked her hand into her pocket. Tommy looked to Joel who lowly shrugged his shoulders.

"Oh, shit, I didn't know y'all was still-"

"Tommy, it's fine." Y/n said. "I didn't catch their names." Maria said trying to ease the tension. "I'm Ellie.", "I'm Elliot, this is Max." Elliot said. "What brings you through here?" Maria asked.

"Uh. . .it's kind of a long story." Ellie said. "Why don't we bring 'em inside?" Tommy suggested. "Yeah. You hungry?" Maria inquired. "Starving!" Elliot gasped. Tommy guides everyone into the dam compound before the gates shut once more. "False alarm. They're friendlies. We've been dealing with raids. Lot of bandits in this area." Maria said. "I bet. Last time I was around here, one of those bastards shot me. I got rid of them though." Y/n replied. "It's been quiet for a few days." Tommy added.

"What the hell are you doin' here? I thought I'd find you in Jackson." Joel questioned. "Been trying to bring the plant back to life, Y/n is the one who helps bring us supplies. I got no damn idea where she finds them though." Tommy answered. "We had it working before, but one of the turbines went south." Maria sighed. "We have electricity, Joel. . . had. We'll get it running again." Tommy said

"He doesn't know I'm here. . . Right?" Y/n asked Tommy. "Who doesn't know?" Ellie said. "Matthew, her brother." Tommy answered, "And, no. He doesn't." Joel stayed quiet about Matthew and Y/n nodded her head, "Good. It's better that he doesn't." Y/n sighed.

Soon Tommy was called and he had to go and check out the electricity startup. Both Joel and Y/n decided to follow after him. "I'd rather eat with the kids." said Maria as Max looked at her with an unsure expression. "It's my turn anyway. I'll go." Tommy said. "I'll come with you. Go with Maria and put some food in you." Joel said. "I gotta avoid Mateo either way." Y/n mumbled.

"Joel?", "Y/n?" The two teens said. "C'mon, kids. Let's give the adults some space. I'm sending Tommy over. Stand by. C'mon." Maria said as she walked off with the three.

Tommy began to lead Y/n and Joel on the tour. "This'll be the sixth time of them trying to get the turbines back online. We've been here just a week, but it feels like forever. Uh. . .I got something for you. Last year I went back to Texas—back home. Most of our stuff was long gone. Most of it. Here. . ." He said before he handed Joel a photo of him and Sarah. Y/n cringed at the photo and turned away to have her space, but she still heard them. "It's a little faded but it still looks pretty good."

"I'm good." Joel said. "You sure? I mean—", "I said I'm good.", "Okay. Well, I'll hold onto it for you.", "Tommy, we. . .I need to talk to you. Privately." Joel added. Y/n looked at the door and saw someone walk in, before she could react, he already saw her.

". . . Y/n." Mateo said as he slowly stepped forward, he quickly walked over and hugged her tightly. "Fuck, I-I thought you were dead. I heard you were out there and. . . My. . . Look at you. Your hair, new scars." Y/n removed his arms and shook her head. "I'm just passing through, Matt."

"You're with Joel! Oh damn, look at you two. I knew you would get back-!", "We're not. And it's never gonna happen, now that we've cleared that. Joel has to talk to his brother and I gotta restock on a few things." Y/n cut in before walking away from the three men.

~~~

"That's quite the crew you got here." Joel said as he and Tommy entered a office. "They're good men. This place gives 'em a second chance. It gives us all a second chance. . . So, why'd you leave Boston?" Tommy questioned. "I've been on quite the adventure, little brother." Joel sighed as he sat down.

"I reckon it's got something to do with Y/n and those kids." Tommy guessed. "Oh, it's got everything to do with those kids." Joel confirmed. "Well, go on then." Tommy said. "They're immune." Joel said. "Immune to what? . . . Oh, c'mon." Tommy scoffed.

"See, I know. . . I've seen those kids breathe enough spores to take down a dozen men and nothing. I wouldn't have believed it neither, but I can show you." Joel explained. ". . . Alright. I'll bite. Why bring them here?" Tommy inquired. "I was supposed to deliver the girl originally, but then I ran into Y/n and she had that little girl and that boy, found out they were immune as well. But we're trying to deliver them to the Fireflies. . . The way I figured it, they're your boys, you finish the job and collect the whole damn payment."

"I haven't seen a Firefly in years." Tommy said. "But you know where they are. Now I'm not asking for much, Tommy. I just want some simple gear—enough to set me on my way." Joel said. "What makes you think I'd do this for you?" Tommy questioned. "This isn't for me, Tommy. This is for your damn cause." Joel growled. "My cause is my family now. You ain't talking about some walk in the park here." Tommy commented.

"Jesus, boy. . . have Maria get some of your born again friends to do it." Joel suggested. "They got families too." Tommy replied. "Tommy, I need this." Joel finally said. "You want some gear, sure. But I ain't taking those kids off your hands, I know for damn sure that half of this is because of her, isn't it?" Tommy said, referring to Y/n. Joel shook his head as he clenched his fists, "She's one of 'em, y'know. . .", "One of what? Immune too?"

"No, she's a Jaguar." Joel said. Tommy widened his eyes as he sat up, "What?", "When she left, she found the Jaguars. Even carved their mark into her skin, Tommy.", "She. . . That explains why she's been out there all this time. . ." Tommy sighed. He shook his head and answered, "I still ain't gonna take those kids off your hands, and you're just gonna let her leave again like last time-?", "This is how you gonna repay me. . .huh?" Joel scoffed.

"Repay you?" Tommy retorted as he stood. "For all those damn years I took care of us." Joel snarled as he stood along with Tommy. "Took care? That's what you call it? Me and Matt got nothing but nightmares from those years."

"You survived because of me!" Joel snapped. "It wasn't worth it." Tommy said before he was shoved against a filing cabinet by Joel. "I bring you the cure for mankind and you wanna play the pissy little brother?"

"We ain't back in Boston. You lay your hands on me again it won't end well for you." Tommy threatened him before a siren went off. "The hell is that?" Joel muttered.

~~~

"Excuse me?" Y/n muttered as she looked at Joel, Mateo and Tommy stood still and quiet as they let the two argue again. "You heard me, you never stop talkin' about the past. You keep bringing them up-!", "To fucking talk to you, Joel! You're my fucking fiancee, I love you and I want to talk to you like we always did! I need you and all you're doing is pushing me away when I need you the most!" She yelled back.

Mateo and Tommy looked at the ground as they bickered. "This was a fucking mistake." Joel scoffed. Y/n's heart cracked as she looked at Joel, her throat felt dry, "What?" She whispered. Mateo looked at his sister and saw her eyes glistening with tears as her hands trembled. "Didn't you hear me? Or do you need me to keep repeatin' it to ya?!" Joel shouted at her. "Joel, c'mon, you don't-", "Shut it, Tommy." Joel coldly dismissed.

"You don't mean that-", "What makes you think that I don't?" Joel asked her, "You make everythin' worse 'round here. Always sayin' that we can do somethin' different to survive, the world has changed, Y/n! In case you haven't noticed, they're dead! So shut the hell up about them and get over it! You're annoying the hell outta me! Sometimes I wanna shoot myself because of you!" Joel chastised her.

Her body was shaking with impending inner rage, her tears finally falling over as she clenched her jaws. ". . . Fine. . . Fine! You know what, I thought I finally found the one man who didn't treat me like some bitch! Who fucking loved me and my son! Who treated their brother like family instead of a damn piece of shit! I know how the world has fucking changed, Joel! Clearly you have a long with it. . ." She choked, holding her head as she stumbled back slightly.

She looked up at the ceiling and tried to breathe as she clenched her fists, "I guess this was a fucking mistake. All those times we said I love you to each other, that was a fucking act! All we really wanted was to clearly fuck each other over repeatedly! Well, fine! I was just a fuck buddy to you, not a future wife, not a lover, not even a partner. I see how it is. Here. . . Fucking take this back since this was a mistake." She ripped off her ring and threw it at Joel's chest as he fumed with anger.

"Go and trade it for some fucking food for all I care. It's worthless in this world now, isn't it! Tell me, Joel, all this time, all those hours we spent together. . . All of it, the words, the promises, the proposal, the touches and support for our families. . . All of it was a mistake?" She asked him as she stepped closer and stare up at him.

Joel glared at her with irritation as he chose his next words carefully. "Every fuckin' second I spent with you, was a waste of my time." He lowly snarled at her. She scoffed and resisted the urge to slap him. "You can fucking rot in hell, Joel. . . I just wanted to help. . . I just wanted to help. . ." She stuttered while shaking, "I miss my son, Joel. I miss Sarah. I miss you. . . All I want is to hold him. . . Say that I'm so sorry that I, his own mother, couldn't protect him. . . that his own mother had to kill him. I keep seeing his face! His eyes! The tears he shedded when he was bit and there was nothing I could do! His voice begging me to find you and that he wanted you and Sarah there with him when he died! He fucking wanted you there, Joel! He wanted his dad there to hold his hand and tell him that he was going to be okay, not just me alone! He cried, he cried and broke down in my arms. He was scared, he was asking me where you were. . . I. . . I keep having nightmares about putting that gun to his head, Joel! Please! Please just tell me that you're lying about what you said and that you don't mean it! Please. . . Please, I am fucking begging you. . . Tell me that you miss them, tell me something that gives me hope that you're still the man I love, that the Joel I met is still there. . ." She begged with tears spilling from her eyes.

But Joel didn't listen. "He ain't my son." He told her with a deadpanned tone. "You. . . Tch. . . You don't care. . . You don't fucking care. . . I can't believe I fell for a piece of shit like you, I can't believe Sarah grew up with a shitty father, and I can't believe Noah actually called you his dad. . . I can't believe I even loved you. You motherfucker."

"Well, clearly, you walked right into that one." Joel taunted her. A loud echo reverberated through the room when she landed a harsh and sharp slap across Joel's face. "I fucking hate you. Everything about you! I fucking loved you, you damned bastard!! I hate that you made me feel like this! If God gave me the chance to go back and restart, I fucking would! I'd choose to ignore you from day one!" She stormed over to her supplies and grabbed a bag before stuffing her clothing into it, grabbing a small pocket knife, a small pistol, a water bottle, and a small blanket before zipping it up.

"Y/n, wait, what are you doing?" Mateo asked as he held her arm. She ripped her wrist out of his grip and grabbed a pair of boots before kicking hers off, "I'm leaving. And I'm going out on my own. I don't want you, or Tommy, or that worthless excuse of a man to come after me." She hissed, Tommy could feel and see what was left of her emotions fading from her and being replaced by hate and rage.

"Y/n, no, you're not thinking straight. Just calm down and get some sleep-", "I can't fucking sleep, Matthew! I can't eat! I can't do this anymore. I'm leaving, I'm done, I'm done trying to talk and fix things, clearly I'm ruining your chances of survival. So I'm done, I'm giving up." She snarled as she tied on her boots and grabbed her jacket. "Y/n, you'll die out there alone. You're not going!" Matthew said as he grabbed her arm and pulled her back.

She snapped around and punched him right in the cheek. "See, even she can't keep her damn hands to herself.", "You shut the fuck up, Joel!" She seethed. "Y/n, please." Tommy begged as he walked closer to her, until she pulled out her knife and stared at him. ". . . Don't. . ." Tommy said.

Her lips quivered as she looked at Tommy then at her younger brother who held the side of his face. But her mind went to Joel's words again. She refused to stay. Even with tears and the need to break down and scream, she couldn't bear the thought of breaking in front of Joel anymore. She did for comfort before he changed, but now, it was all different.

"Don't come after me. Leave me alone. Let me die alone, as it was always intended to be." She whispered brokenly, "I just want. . . I want to see my son again. . . And if I have to die by being ripped apart by those things out there, then so fucking be it."

She turned and opened the door, pausing before she slowly turned to look at Joel, this time with pain and disgust on her face. ". . . I didn't even get to tell you the surprise on your birthday. . . And now, I don't regret saying anything." She snarled before walking out. Set on running away, and never coming back to them.

~~~

"They're all dead!" gasped Ellie as she ran in holding Max's hand in her own, Elliot was panting as he ran to Joel and Y/n who finally spotted them.

"Tommy?" Maria said as she ran to him. "Maria!" Tommy sighed as he hugged her. "I'm alright. The kids were with me!" She said. "That was too damn close." Joel said as he listened to Elliot and Ellie ramble on.

"You okay?" Tommy asked Maria. "Yeah, yeah. I'm fine, I'm fine." She mumbled, they both looked and watched Joel and Y/n checking on the kids. Seeing Max breaking down and hugging Joel while holding Y/n's fingers, her small body trembling as she sobbed.

"Y/n! Joel! Oh man. . . They were coming in from every direction!" Ellie said, "Okay." Joel muttered. "There were these guys who ran in and started to yell and shout!" Elliot added with big eyes. "Kids." Y/n said. "-then Maria was like: We gotta run!" Ellie continued. "Listen." Joel said. "—and so we dove over these tables and this huge guy blasts in with a shotgun-!", "Slow down, slow down, you two. Listen-" Y/n tried to say. "And then-!" "Hey, hey, are you hurt?" Joel asked them all. "N-No!" Ellie and Elliot both said as Y/n held Ellie's shoulder and Joel held Elliot's.

Tommy sighed and hung his head low, "Damnit. I need to talk to you." He said to Maria.

Outside in the compound yard, Tommy begins to explain the situation as Matt stood beside Maria. "Absolutely not! You tell him to go find somebody else!" Maria argued back. "Maria, I can't have this hanging over my head." Tommy muttered. "Do you have any idea how many men we lost here today?!"

Elliot, Max, Ellie, Y/n and Joel watch them argue. Y/n was confused as she crossed her arms and waited. "Hey, what's that all about? Does that have anything to do with us?" Ellie asked. "I'm not sure yet." Y/n mumbled. "Joel?" Elliot asked. "We'll talk about it later." replied Joel.

"Did he tell you where the lab is?" Ellie wondered. "We'll talk about it later." Joel said. "Later. . . Right." Elliot scoffed before taking Max's hand and dragging her away, he tipped his head to Ellie and she followed after him.

"It takes one. One fuck up. One fuck up and then I turn into one of those widows, okay?" Maria reminded Tommy. "I have to do this. I don't know what else to say." Tommy whispered. ". . . I'll go with him. I'll help. Y/n is going as well, she has experience out there. Especially with getting around the cities if she's one of them Jaguars." Matthew added as he looked at Maria.

Maria rolled her eyes before looking at Y/n, knowing that she was a strong woman who knew today's outside world better than anyone there. "Fine." She scoffed before marching towards Joel and Y/n. "Joel, what the fuck did you do now?" Y/n inquired him.

"Maria. Maria!" Tommy gasped. "Here we go." Joel sighed as he stood up. "You." She said to Joel, "If anything—anything at all happens to him, it's on you. . . And you." She said to Y/n as she stood closer to her.

"I know you're one of them. . . Please. . . Protect my dumbass husband." She pleaded to Y/n who was dumbfounded at the realization that Joel wasn't following along anymore. Her fists clenched behind her back as she forced a plain grin and nodded her head, "Of course, Maria. It's the least I owe you, Tommy's one of the rare few I'd actually protect, unlike some people." She muttered—side eyeing Joel as he avoided her eyes.

Maria glared at Joel before storming off. "She's thankful, you know." Tommy said, lifting the pressure off the moment. "Yeah, I know." Joel mumbled. "I'll take those kids of yours to the Fireflies. You don't have to worry about it." Tommy added. "It's best this way." Joel replied.

"Maybe some real good will come of this." Matthew commented as he approached them, "You're coming, right, Y/n-?", "Of course. One leaves, two more follow. Somehow always happens to me." She sighed. "I need to talk to the kids."

"Joel!" gasped Tommy. "What, what is it?" Joel asked. "Those kids of yours, they took two of our horses and rode off.", "Shit. Which way?" Y/n asked. "C'mon." Matthew said as he ran towards the horses.

~~~

Joel, Y/n, Matthew, and Tommy find a house where the two horses remained. Matt stayed outside with Tommy to watch the house as Y/n and Joel ran inside. "Ellie? Max!? Elliot! Ellie?!" Joel shouted. "Kids! Max! Ellie! Elliot! Where are you!?" Y/n yelled as she looked in the empty living room.

"We're up here." Elliot said from upstairs. "Jesus Christ." Joel sighed. "We'll keep an eye out. Reckon you guys need to have a chat." Tommy said from the door.

Joel and Y/n find the kids huddled inside a girl's old bedroom upstairs. Ellie sat by the window reading an old diary as Max sat on the bed hugging her bunny with tear stained cheeks beside Elliot. "Is that really all they had to worry about? Boys. Movies. Deciding which shirt goes with which skirt?" Elliot asked Ellie, "It's bizarre." Ellie muttered.

"Get up, we're leaving. C'mon." Joel said as Y/n put her gun away. "And if we say no?" Ellie questioned Joel. "Do you even realize what your lives means? Huh? Running off like that. Putting yourselves at risk. . .it's pretty damn stupid." Joel scolded them. "Well, I guess we're all disappointed with each other then." Elliot scoffed.

"What do you even want from us?" Y/n finally said as she stepped closer glaring at the teens. "Just fucking admit that you wanted to get rid of us the whole time!" Elliot said to them. Joel lowly raised his hand before saying, "Tommy and Matt know this area better than—"

"Agh, fuck that." Ellie groaned as she stood up. "Well, I'm sorry, I trust them better than I trust myself." Joel defended. "Stop with the bullshit. What are you guys so afraid of? That we're gonna end up like Sam? We can't get infected. We can take care of ourselves!" Ellie said. "How many fucking close calls have we had?!" Y/n demanded as she glared at Ellie.

"Well, we seem to be doing alright so far!" Elliot argued. "And now you'll be doing even better with them!" Joel said as he turned away, rubbing his beard as he took a breath. Y/n held her hips as she looked at Max. ". . . We're not them, you know." Ellie said.

"What?", "Excuse me?" Both Y/n and Joel muttered. Ellie glanced at Elliot who nodded his head and looked at the adults. "Maria told us about Noah and Sarah. And we—", "Ellie! Elliot!" They both hissed at the kids.

"You are treadin' on some mighty thin ice here." Joel growled. "Don't even try it." Y/n threatened as she glared at them all. "We're sorry about your kids, Y/n and Joel, but we have lost people too." Elliot said. "You have no idea what loss is." Joel and Y/n both said at the same time.

"Everyone we have cared for has either died or left us. Everyone fucking except for you guys!" Ellie yelled as she shoved Joel back. Y/n stood in front of her.

"Don't even tell us that we'd would be safer with someone else—because the truth is we'd just be more scared!" Elliot said with tears brimming his eyes as Ellie's had already begun to fall.

Y/n slowly shook her head as she scoffed, "Y'know. . . You're right. . . You're not my daughter, or her son, and we sure as hell ain't your parents. . ." Joel turned his head and looked directly at Y/n, "And we are going our separate ways." Joel coldly said to the four of them.

Y/n gripped her side as she turned around and exited the room.

~~~

"Let's get back to the horses." Tommy said as both Joel and Y/n checked outside. "We're clear." Joel said as the kids and Y/n walked past him. Ellie, Elliot and Max all remain quiet as they walked to their horses.

"You want a hand up?" Matt asked them. "I got it. C'mon." Ellie said as she lifted Max onto the horse Elliot was on before getting on her own. They soon ride to a far hill overlooking the large secured town of Jackson.

"Easy. . . easy. . . Whoa." Tommy said to his horse. "There she is. Kids'll be watching movies tonight." Matt said. "Where is this lab of theirs?" Joel asked as Y/n looked at the town before looking at Elliot and Max. "It's all the way out—University of Eastern Colorado." Tommy said. "You can't miss it. Y/n's been there a few times." Matthew added.

"Go Big Horns. . ." Joel sighed before tilting his head to the kids, "Elliot, Ellie, get off your horses, give 'em on back to Tommy and Matt." The kids and even Y/n all looked at Joel with confusion. "We're gonna hang onto these two fellas, if that's alright with you. . . Go on. Don't make me repeat myself." Joel said to the teens who immediately got off their horses and handed the two of them to Matt and Tommy.

"Wait?" Matt muttered. "What are you doin'?" Tommy asked. "Your wife kinda scares me. I don't want her coming after me, or worse, having Y/n come after me." Joel teased, which made a small grin appear on Y/n's lips unintentionally.

"Sorry for stealing your horse." Ellie muttered to Tommy. "Didn't mean to steal your knife either, man." Elliot said to Matt who chuckled. "It's cool, little dude. Keep it." Matthew smiled as he took the reins from Elliot's hand. "Look, come back to town, let's discuss it at least." Tommy said to Joel Ellie lifted Max onto Y/n's before climbing on the back of her horse. Max sat in front of Y/n, while Ellie hugged Y/n's sides from behind.

"Eh, you know me. My mind's all made up." Joel muttered while helping Elliot onto the back of his horse, "University Eastern Colorado. How do we find this lab?"

"It's in the science building, looks like a giant mirror, you can't miss it. Y/n won't, I bet." Matthew said. "You both take care of those wives of yours." Joel replied. "Wait, wives? I thought Tommy was. . ." Y/n mumbled, Matthew grinned and nodded his head. "I'm married, big sis. There's a place for you here, you know. And when you come back, you'll meet her." Matthew smirked.

"You good?" Joel asked Elliot. "I'm good." Elliot said. "Ellie, Max?" Joel said. "We're good." Ellie grinned. Joel lifted his eyes and looked at Y/n. She watched him as well, no sign of disgust or anger, but relief and gratitude. "Y/n?" He said. For the first time in twenty years, she finally smiled.

"I'm great, Joel."

He couldn't hide his grin when looking back at Tommy and Matt. "Adios, little brothers. C'mon." They all turned away and started off into the woods together.

______________________________________

Part 6 coming soon!

[jinnie-study]

2024.03.05 - march and all the things before it

one day, after everything is through, i'll turn around and still have you.

excuse my messy desk, it just felt like it added to the photos of where i'm at mentally.

first year of med school has been a whirlwind of amazing new things and also a bit of a disaster. here's a list of updates in no particular order of just everything that comes to mind since i started school:

i had my first course failure ever (like.... ever.) and it's taken a huge toll on my psyche. i have to remediate it in the summer and it sucks because i wanted to do other things and i have to just sit with this feeling of having failed something big time for the next two months until then.

before that, though, i got thru first semester for the most part unscathed. a few bumps and bruises but nothing crazy.

im a part of student government and had a major success in getting rid of a really awful lecture that people have been trying to get changed or removed for at least the last three years.

i got to visit my partner abroad for christmas! it was wonderful and i miss them so much. it makes it that much harder to be down here i think.

i have gone to the beach and stared at the ocean a few times and it helps but i don't do it often.

back in august, i had a major back injury that limited my mobility almost completely for two days. since then, it's been on and off pain for months and i finally started going to PT. hopefully we can make the pain go away because apparently it has already made my left leg decently weaker than my right leg 💀

my cat had a really bad cancer scare back in september and he's only now beginning to recover. i love him so much and we had come to terms with not putting him thru surgery to remove the tumor and just wanted to keep him comfortable and at home. my mom fed him holy water and he's managed to get better. ❤️‍🩹

i've forcing myself to get back into journaling and reading because i need hobbies that are off-screen and i'm limited from exercising until my back is a little better.

i bought noise-canceling headphones (pictured above) and they've changed my life tbh. i don't know how i managed before.

i didnt used to burn candles but now they help me turn my brain into focusing mode and it's changed my relationship with stress and studying.

i went on a random mini vacation with my family to nintendo world in february and i think i healed a part of me that i didn't know needed healing.

i think that's all the biggest updates i have to share. i've been documenting med school and life more often on my private twitter account but it feels more important to me to make sure i get it here in this blog. i want to be more consistent with posting here again! i might add it to my to-do lists when i update newsletters and socmed. but i also like this blog just being a space for me to be without a lot of pressure to keep up with it. idk. thank u for being here! for reading and for sticking with me 🫡 till next post

#studyblr #med studyblr #medical school #medical student #med student #studygram #bujo #studyspo #studyinspo #bujospread #life update #upd8 #update #btsbujo #studyinspiration #study desk #study blog #MS1 archives #hey sprouht #hey india #gloomstudy

[cardinaldante]

Greetings Siblings of the church!! It is Cardinal Dante. Papa Terzo told on me to Papa Copia, and now I am being punished!!! I can't even believe it!! I thought Papa Terzo would keep my secret, but no!!

Papa Copia is making me take the next few days off, and Swiss has now become my permanent guard since we got along so well. Hes a very nice ghoul, which I am very suprised about! Usually I run into that ghoul Dewdrop Sodo, and he does NOT like me. Mr. Saltarian came up to me while I was moping at the breakfast table, and after pulling me away from breakfast- and yelling at Swiss to stay- he asked me several.... Confusing questions. One of them was about my mother, which I do admit I yelled at him for. I don't know my mother, I was raised partially in the Christan Church and became a priest there at a young age. They told me I was an orphan, and that my mother left me on the doorsteps. She must have been struggling to just leave me.

He also asked my opinions on the Papa's, which, was also a little weird?? I told him that I accepted the Papa's, and that they were good people. Mr. Saltarian looked a little annoyed at that, and asked if I could become like Papa, would I. I told him the truth and said yes. He looked... Not suprised and nodded, and asked if I could help him with something. I told him he'd have to wait and he told me a date two weeks from now. January 17th, 2024. I don't know what he wants from me, as he ran off as soon as Papa Copia became walking over. Honestly, he's starting to worry me.

Other than that, Papa Copia scolded both me and Swiss afterwards and wouldn't hear a word about Saltarian. Swiss for leaving me alone, and Me for running off from Swiss. After that, we both got punishment to help the tall ghoul(Sorry, Swiss has informed me his name is 'Mountain') and Papa Primo in the greenhouse. I didn't mind though, Papa Primo tells the best stories, and Mountain is very quiet and doesn't mess with me. Swiss bit him though, and Mountain punched him. I think the poor ghoul is out for right now, he's been on his knees clutching his stomach for almost fourty minutes now.

I told Papa Primo about Saltarian and everything that happened, and Papa Primo told me to keep it to myself, and that Saltarian is just a little weird. It still scares me- but if Papa Primo says nothing is wrong, then I guess nothings wrong. Since I was by Papa Primo, Swiss and Mountain dissapeared on us. Papa Primo said they probably went by the ghoul den, and when I told him of my punishment, he just laugh and told me I could stay with him until Swiss came back, or he could take me to the ghoul den. However, I only trust Phil(who I really need to check up on), Swiss, and I guess Mountain as well.

It sounds odd that I only trust so few ghouls even though I have this blog and have said I'll talk with the other ghouls and Papa's, but to be honest with you all, the other ghouls arnt exactly very... Friendly. I'm suprised Swiss is super friendly, expecially since I've heard... Things... From other Siblings. I've SEEN things on the other siblings. One of the siblings couldn't walk for a week after having a run in with some of the ghouls, while another had bruises and bite marks all over his body.

I decided to stay with Primo, and honestly, I really like hanging around him. He's like an old grandpa! He talks alot about flowers and flower languages, but I'm fine with him doing so. Maybe if I get good at them I can ask Jacob out I can give the flowers to some of the siblings they've helped raised me while I'm here. I wonder if he could teach me anything else while I'm here- I heard Papa Primo and Secundo were good at getting dates when they were younger. I'd ask Papa Terzo, but Whenever I try I get all flustered and embarrassed and end up running away. Maybe it'll be easier asking Papa Primo?

Also, I hope Swiss comes back soon. The Papa's dont eat when the others eat, for some reason, so Papa Primo isn't hungry, and Lunch is almost here and I am hungry. Swiss, save me!!

#the band ghost #ghost band #ghost bc #send asks #roleplay

[writingwarden]

#FF007F

Part One

Locus x Fem!reader

NSFW- That means minors, YALL NEED TO LEAVE

Word count- 2197

[A/n at the end]

[possessive Locus, switch!reader, switch!Locus, praise kink, Dom/Sub dynamics if you squint, Sub drop, aftercare]

A few months after Locus and I's confessions, I decided I wanted a permanent place to stay. Somewhere I could hide when I have to lay low or for when I just felt like I needed a sense of a normal life. Felix mocked me about it to no end. Saying it was stupid and would be found eventually. Locus however, was oddly supportive of the matter. After that night we officially became what most would call a couple. We didn't let it interfere with work and all in all things were normal. Felix confirmed that he did the one bed thing after some pushing. 

But I bought the place, in cash of course. A small chunk of property with a run down A- Frame house. A nice little project as Siris called it. And I couldn't help but agree. I fixed it up with help from the guys and it was finally a place I could call home. I even managed to get Locus to bring some of his stuff! Considering he'd be over a lot. We still haven't tried anything together yet. I mean, we're both adults and in our line of work you'd occasionally like someone to bed with. But something about this time should feel special. None of us had approached each other about it either. Figuring it would happen naturally. Still, I put myself on birth control just in case.

So I decided that I was going to cook his favourite dinner one night. He had mentioned it the other day on call and I think it will be a nice surprise. He and the others had taken a job a planet over and he had been gone for a week and a half. I was on a job before him, but I didn't get back in time to catch him before they left. It's been almost a month without seeing him in person. 

I try not to be the clingy type, he still dislikes PDA. Everything was private when it came to us. We took care of each other. I noticed that when he could he took control of things and I usually let him. I like being taken care of sometimes. Maybe I should try and take the initiative with something soon. Maybe he'd like it or he wouldn't and would put me in my place. Now that didn't sound so bad. 

I busied myself with preparing the food after I got a call from him. 

"Hey, I figured I'd call to tell you I'll be there in about an hour." He sounded exhausted and I could hear Felix in the back whining about something.

"Oh that's perfect actually! I'll see you soon!" 

"See you soon." And then he hung up. And he was true to his word, almost an hour later he walked in through the door. I noticed how he winced as he set his bags down. Walking up behind me he wrapped his arms around my waist. He said nothing so I swayed back and forth, dancing to an imaginary song. 

"It went so wrong. Capture and turn in this punk to the cops. Then someone wiped him from the files and then Felix had the brilliant idea of asking for ransom. But the kid's dad didn't want him and then he and his whole posse showed up and Felix got shot. It was just a mess." He sighs out, still staring at the fire. 

"Why don't you sit down and I'll bring dinner to you?" I ask while reaching for plates. I hear a small huff of acknowledgement and he walks into the living room. Filling both plates, I walked into the living room to find him staring blankly at the fireplace. It was one of two ways to warm the house and it is the beginning of winter. We eat in silence while I wait for him to tell me about his time away.

That was our main rule, never force the other to talk about what they've done. 

I set my plate down and pulled his head into my chest. "I'm so sorry baby." Was all I could get out.

He pulled himself up and took both our plates to the kitchen. I began to follow him when he looked over his shoulder and told me it was ok, to just go get ready for bed and he'd be there soon. He was always like this, so helpful and stubborn.

Knowing better than to argue with him I go and grab my things to shower, settling on one of his shirts (a dark green one) and a pair of his boxers. He'll never admit it but he loves it when I wear his clothes or his signature colour, so why not wear both. I think it's a territory thing. Like a 'yes, this person is my person and they love me' type of thing. I think it's kinda hot.

 After my shower I enter the bedroom to find him sitting at my desk, reading. Still in his suit, the blazer hanging off the chair and his sleeves rolled up. He looks up at me and smiles a bit.

"Is that my shirt?" 

"Yep and," I lift it up a bit and do a little twirl to show him, "also these!"

He motions for me to come to him and I do. Settling into his lap I can feel his heart beat. It's chaotic, like he just got done running. Leaning in for a kiss I get an idea on how to take his mind off things. Shifting my hips slightly I lean harder into the kiss. I move my hips again, getting a little groan from him. 

"What are you doing?" He asks, looking at me confused.

"Whatcha mean baby?" I say doing it again, this time in a full motion. With that action he grabs my thighs, forcing me to stop. He looks at me sternly and says, "If you keep doing that I will not be able to stop myself." 

"And what if I want that?" His jaw clenches.

"Then take it, you know you can." And with that his lips are back on mine. 

This time I move with purpose and begin to unbutton his shirt. He moves down my throat, kissing and biting wherever he wants. It's like something feral snapped in him as he picks me up and walks over to the bed. 

Sitting down on it and leaning back long enough to get the shirt off of me. Then he's back attacking my chest, taking one nipple into his mouth and kneading the other. His touch was like a torch to my skin. Biting back a moan I fumble with his belt and eventually get it undone. Pulling down his pants and he kicks them off. He pulls back and flips us so he's on top. Now we're both left in our underwear and he asks me "Is this ok?" 

I nod.

"Words pretty thing." 

"Yes," and then I throw in "please" for good measure. 

He doesn't answer but instead pulls down the boxers in one swift motion. His followed soon after. 

Spreading my legs for him, he grins and it's the grin of a predator who's just caught its prey. "That's a good girl." 

Keening at this response I raise my hips to expose myself more, desperate for his touch. "Oh, you like that? When I tell you how pretty you are? How you're such a good toy for me?" 

I nod quickly, hoping he'd finally answer me. He did, pressing a finger into me, but then he stilled. "Tell me what you want, doll." 

"You! I want you inside of me!" I gasp out. 

"Oh you can do better than that, hmm." He adds another finger yet still doesn't move. 

"Please! Fuck me, I'm your to use!" And it would seem those were the magic words. Because he began pumping into me. Grabbing his shoulders I can't control the sounds coming from me. I can feel that knot beginning to build up. And I think he knew too because he takes his thumb and runs circles on that little nub and I exploded. I was seeing stars while he pulled his fingers out. Whining at the loss I pulled myself closer and wrapped my legs around his waist. 

Looking straight into his eyes I said, with no uncertainty, "Fuck me, Sir."

Oh he liked that, he liked that a lot. Looks like I'll be using that more often. His eyes darkened, "You’ll be my downfall." 

"I know." And with that I pushed him onto his back so I was now on top. Grabbing his dick I pumped him a few times, earning the sweetest moans. Positioning myself above him I sunk down. He was stretching me like no other. When I reached the hilt I stopped. "You fit me so perfectly sir," I purr. "Like you were made to please me, such a perfect cock." 

"Take it, it's all for you. Use me pretty girl." He groans out, breathing heavily. Like he was using all his restraint not to take control like we both know he could. So I pull his hands together and place them on the headboard.

"Stay." Was my only command as I pulled off and dropped back down. Repeating my actions I could see his white knuckle grasp on the headboard. I wanted him to snap and with his eyes following my every move it was so easy. Reaching down I began to work on that little nub, not bothering to hide any pleasure gained from it. And that's all it took, his hands were on my hips and he began to slam me on his dick. I could feel a second release build as I squeezed around him. He made a small choked noise. 

Still inside me he flipped us so he was in control again. He lifted up my leg over his shoulder with one hand, the other wrapping around my throat. That helped him reach that little spot inside me. I don't know what gave it away but he shifted so he hit that spot with every thrust. This time when I came my nails scratched down his back, sure to leave marks, and my vision blanked out. Groaning under his breath he stilled, shooting hot streams into me. I felt weightless, almost floaty. Completely blissed out. 

Careful not to crush me as he laid down on my chest we caught our breath together. After a minute he slowly pulled out of me, causing me to whine at the cold that followed his absence. "I'll be right back." He starts towards the bedroom door. And as soon as he's gone my mind races. What if he didn't like that? What if he thinks you're gross now? What if he regrets it and leaves me? My eyes water and I curl into myself in an attempt to disappear. I didn’t want him to leave, I’ve never felt this way about anyone and I start to hate myself for coming dependent on his affection. We were killers for fuck sake, we didn’t have time for love. It was that thought that forced out the tears. 

So stuck up in my head that I didn't notice when he came back, damp towel and water glass in his hand. Yet I could feel him there, observing. "Hey baby, let me get you cleaned up." And he says it so gently that I almost couldn't hear it. After no response he sits on the side of the bed, "Sweetheart I need you back now, come back to me." He says, this time a little louder. I try to focus on the towel against my skin and I'm mostly present by the time he slowly holds the cup up to my mouth for me. The cold liquid soothes my throat and I force myself to look at him.  

And instead of disgust I find nothing but love plastered across his face. He’s looking at me as if I’m the only one in the world. I can’t take it and begin to sob again. Saying nothing he pulls me into his arms and runs his fingers through my hair. “It’s alright, you're experiencing a ‘Sub drop.’ It's ok, it's normal and I’m not mad, let it all out. I'm right here."

So I do and he picks me up, carrying me to the bathroom. I look at him confused while he sets me on the counter. He kisses my forehead and starts to draw a bath. Once the tub is filled and steam has filled the room he picks me up again. Gently stepping into the water he puts my back to his chest. The waters warm and I relax almost immediately. It's funny, tonight was supposed to be about him and his relaxation. Yet here we sit, him whispering sweet affirmations and gently rinsing us off. He had always been so considerate, the idea of an official Dom/Sub dynamic becoming more appealing. I'll ask him about it later. For now, I'll let him fulfil his need to care. 

I don't think I'd trade this for anything. 

 [A/N- More self indulgent fluff. First time writing smut so be nice.]

#rvb locus #red vs blue locus #red vs blue x reader #red ve blue oneshot #red vs blue #rvb locus smut #locus x reader #fluff #samuel ortez #red vs blue felix #rvb felix

[bunnyypop]

Fresh Start // ppg au

—— Chapter 1: Going Home ——

⚠️warning: this backstory at first is NOT as the same as the original from the show. This au is a "slice of life" I think but with some touches I believed but you can also find this in Wattpad too ^^⚠️

——————-

Professor Utonium's POV

I've gotten awake from an annoying alert from my clock beside my wardrobe. As I've began to get up to turn it off I begun to get ready to cook breakfast for my kids and show them some stuff I've wanted to train them for to became the next greatest heroic citizen ever (here I like to portrait Professor as a samurai but he's still a scientist!) as I went downstairs to the kitchen one of my daughters were already in a seat, it was Bunny and she's 2 years of age but I do take care of her while my 3 younger daughters Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup went to preschool while with Bliss in the highschool, only at 15 years of age, I'm proud of my kids and I'll always love them but some days they'll need this training for protective services and they'll definitely need it whenever Townsville is in trouble for villains who dare to struck the city. But for now none of that matters but i'll train my other 3 daughters first, I've already trained Bliss and I'm happy for her success at the moment. But for Bunny, I've never met her before the girls told me I was kinda disappointed that they've decided to create a child to do their duties without my permission. But every kid is a blessing and so as her.

"Daddy! What are we having for breakfast?" my middle child Bubbles asked me with an brief smile a crossed her face. "I'll be ready soon. How about you, Blossom, and Buttercup go and play along while I make it for you?" she nodded as she'd left the kitchen peacefully. I've began to start cooking something simple for them as I began to get the table ready.

The girls came a few seconds later after I was done, now we've all sat down and eat breakfast together. I've trained them well and take care of them, it's not easy being a single father but it was really nice taking care of them. I love my kids very much.

End of Backstory! Hope you've enjoyed it! But that's not all of what's happening in the story as you read about them now in Townsville!

—————

Blisstina's POV (currently 25 now)

Today I'm baking cookies for my family to thank them for having them by my side when I needed them the most. They're my friends but my best friends.. I'll never leave them but now that I've came back from college I can visit them now! Probably will stay over for a couple of days though. I mean I don't have anything else to do since Brax has already have a job and so do I.. but I don't know how I should explain to them,,

I've began to clock out until I've came across my ginger headed little sister in front of me. I know how  she'd find out about my new job 😭 does she have like some sort of new power I don't know about.. but anyways, I greeted her in excitement because it's been 10 years since we've seen each other. And she'd look so adorable!! I'm very proud of myself as a big sister to all of the girls. They always wear the clothes I pick out for them too even if they didn't like it and I could literally cry right now I swear this is too sweet.. oops I'm still talking to myself

"Hey Bliss! I've heard you work at the new Bakery that just came out in Townsville! And you're so pretty in your working clothes" Blossom said as she'd came to hug me. Oof... they've gotten bigger than I've excepted I'm guessing she's 15 now due to the fact that it's been 1" years. Professor is probably in his late 40's or something and I already know that Bunny is 12 now I'm guessing, but still I can't wait to meet my family! It's been so long since the lessons and understandings of becoming a new hero (well what my father said).

"I sure am! And by the way, we don't have to walk we can drive my car since it's easier there" I got up and grabbed my car keys as we both left the building together looking for my car. Well my van since I wanted to ride it because I gave Brax my Chervy to go to work with. But I couldn't complain I mean at least I was driving something than nothing!

as we kept walking... Blossom stopped to tell me something.

"Oh and by the way Bliss, if you're going to be driving I'm going to have to assist you to where you need to go since we kinda.... moved."

Well shit.

#ppg fanfic #ppg fanfiction #powerpuff girls #ppg #blossom ppg #ppg bubbles #buttercup ppg #ppg au #fanfic #chapter one #the powerpuff girls

[darthbreezy]

A Scarlet Letter Day(fic)

Note - this is inspired (admittedly a bit overdue as it's rattled around in one form or another since I first read the story) by 'Idiot'

https://archiveofourown.org/works/49224499

by the Blessedly Talented theyellowestmustard - I'd strongly suggest reading it first, not only because it's brilliant, but as it's a direct springboard to this tale - Idiots, spoonerisms and Idioms inclusive... * This is a rough daft because I really want to have a nice, well thought out accounting of this scarlet letter day before I journal it in the nice book Crowley gave me for my personal thoughts away from the flying eyes of Heaven. I'll make my official report later - I'm still officially a level 37 Scrivener and every once in a while the Head Office wants a report. OK, so it's been a long time since they've asked (Not since the Metatron put me in charge of the Bookshop) but since the Supreme Arch Angel 'quit' (!!!) surely they'll want a record?

That will be different than what I write for myself (Is that a sin? Is it Vanity? I'll ask The Supreme Arch Angel The Traitor Aziraphale (I think for brevity and clarity, I'll just call him 'Mr. Fell' as that's what the other shop keepers (like Maggie and Nina) call him. I can't wait to go chew the facts with them about what happened! But I have to wait until Crowley and Mr. Fell leave before I can go over. Crowley said if they knew Mr. Fell was back, they'd ''be on them like a flock of quacking ducks'' (Crowley normally likes ducks, so I don't know why this is a problem?) and that ''he and Angel'' (that's what he calls Mr. Fell when he likes him) ''needed a few days alone to get re-acquainted.'' When I asked if they were going to have 'make up sex', or was that just a one time think, Mr. Fell's whole corporation seemed to go almost purple while Crowley just snort-laughed and told Mr. Fell to wait for him in the Bentley, and that he'd miracle everything they'd need for the trip. He didn't answer my question though, but considering I haven't heard him laugh since we were bees in Heaven, so that's OK. I don't know if it's 'proper' for me, an angel (37 level scrivener) to care about a demon, but Crowley has been kind to me (he can deny all he wants. but angels like Michael used to look at me like I was something dirty on the bottom of their shoe even though Heaven is always clean, unlike the streets here on Earth.) It's so nice to see him so happy. I just hope Mr. Fell doesn't hurt him again. I don't think he really wanted to the first time, but Heaven doesn't tell me anything. Some things shouldn't be examined too closely I think. Of course, Crowley would tell me otherwise, but he is a demon after all.

SO!

Mr. Fell came back from Heaven! There was a bit of a clock up (or was it a wind up? I was in any case.) I got locked and miracled out of the bookshop all night. I was worried scared for Crowley, but it turns out he was asleep on Mr Fell's new (BIG!) bed. I was glad that he was safe (and sleeping! He hasn't slept in a long time. Sleep is a human thing living, Earth-Creature thing, which makes me wonder how much of a demon he really is, now?)

Once I made sure that Crowley was really safe. Mr. Fell and I went downstairs to talk.

He said he appreciated how well I kept the bookshop, I told him how Crowley helped make sure we never sold a single book, and that made him sad for some reason. I didn't want to him to think we just just didn't sell books, but added some new things to make it look nice, including the 'Quote Board' that was by the till. Nina had given it to me when I took over the shop and until yesterday, it had said ''You're only as strong as the drinks you mix.'' but now there was a new message in Crowley's hand. It said 'The Supreme Arse-Angel has left the building.'' I went to erase it, but Mr. Fell smiled and said to leave it.

He made a nice cup of tea and we talked about, well, me!

What I might want to do (stay on Earth of go back to Heaven - I really think I want to stay here, it so nice and I like having people to talk to).

I know Crowley's apartment is a possibility (did he even ask Crowley? I guess having that bedroom with a big bed means he's going to stay here.) I tried to tell Mr. Fell that I really liked Earth and would probably want to stay, but he got all anxious, and wrung his hands and said not to be 'rash' or 'hasty', so I said I would think about it.

I asked him to tell me what happened last night and at first he didn't want to tell me anything, saying it was ''water under the bridge'' and it was between him and Crowley but I reminded him that I was the one locked out - miracled out! all night, and I deserved an explanation. He sighed and said there had been a lot of shouting, and more than a few tears, then finally some real talking and perhaps a bottle between them...

I was going to ask whether they were going to go have their 'extremely alcoholic breakfast at the Ritz' when we heard Crowley's voice calling for his Angel from the main part of the shop.

You'd think Mr. Fell's wings were on fire by how fast he ran out to meet him. I was only a few steps behind but by the time I got out there, Mr. Fell was already standing really close to Crowley, with his arms around the demon's waist. he was wearing a silky robe that looked like (I couldn't be sure because Mr. Fell was standing right up against him) it was completely open. I guess he realised I was there really quickly, because all at once he snapped his fingers and was fully dressed. He looked nicer than he has in months!

''You still here, you little Treacle Tart?'' he asked, so I said ''yes you, you Lizard Lounger!'' which surprised Mr. Fell, but I think Crowley's snort laugh surprised him even more - (Oh, I guess it's 'Lounge Lizard' but in any case, it was funny to us.)

So the short and fat of it is, Crowley and Mr. Fell are going to spend a few days 'on the coast' together. Crowley said not to ring them even if the Anti-Christ shows up on the stoop or he'd tie all my fingers into knots (which is a really low level 'threat' from him - I guess he was too excited to get going, and Mr. Fell said Adam was a lovely young man anyway.) I'll be watching the shop, and not selling any books until they return. Maybe when they get back, I'll go someplace myself! All by myself!! Maybe even as far as Greenwich!

As Crowley said, it's time to leave the Garden,

I think I'm ready!

M.

#crowley #aziraphale #good omens #fanfic #ineffable husbands #muriel