#i would write more but covid brain means my energy and life force are at a -1000

[macaroni-rascal]

Okay, I only have time for a quickie this week. What in the Barry Manilow Copacabana mess was that from the Georgians? Is the 80s theme infectious so it's spreading to the pairs? It was comically atrocious, you'd think Max would have a brain cell or two to advise them against this but I guess it's too much to hope for. All the other juniors are off the hook because they were delightful. The black/teal dress has a bit too much going on but it's the best one yet, I'm glad someone is learning from Ashley Wagner.

Has Lia missed a throw before? I don't think she has. They need to lock Trennt in a room with 4 sports psychologists as soon as he lands home. I worry all the shit he went through has messed with his sense of worthiness to be here. They set a BV world record in the free in France, so they should inch ahead of at least the second Italians, and if my prayers are answered, this soulless "Hungarian" team too. Both panels took a nice little nap during this event, bless them. I'm worried that Annika and Rob will quit ☹️.

I kinda understand why Minnie and Nikita are getting the push but also kinda not, their skating is quite clinical to me? I know they're a new team still but I'm very meh on them. I also don't understand what's going on with Rebecca and Filippo, they should be better than they actually are? She has some classic pair lines and positions yet it never seems to come together, so I get why they're good friends with MT/M. The clipped forward skating into the twist is awkward as all hell. Poor Maxime was holding on for dear life out there. I can't fully get behind them because I despise their coach and everything she represents.

The men! What an event! Shoma really is That Bitch, huh? The only gripe I have is that I'd rather Kazuki were here over Kao because he's still so underdeveloped artistically, but good on him for squeezing out a combo. But omg Ilia's costume. How is the ISU supposed to market this boy when he's clearly shopping at the circus surplus store? There are two types of skating parent/coach: the likes of those of Yuma and Matteo, who know the value of a slow build and not burning out 2-3 years out of an Olympics, and the likes of Ilia's and the Mokhov's, who are clearly frozen in time and are trying to relive their glory days through their kids (yuck), and are throwing in the technical kitchen sink at a time when it doesn't matter. Adam is really testing me but I understand why he might be dead on his feet at this point.

I hate that there's no stream from Golden Spin, Amber landed two 3A in practice (check nora_bruckner on IG for the clips). S/F seem to be reusing their Charles Aznavour FD from 3 years ago (sigh). I'm curious to see how this Aussie team develops under IAMO, they've been struggling for so long and seemed to have no resources at all. It's interesting how teams' skating skills have improved at IAMO but all the MIDA teams still have basically the same ones they arrived with (and weaker material. And barely any political push). I struggle to understand what that school's selling point is and wonder what the first team to jump ship will be (prayer circle it's G/Pa).

A perfect message, Fashionista Nonny, you continue to be an icon. I agree on all accounts about all things, amen.

#a salute you #konner talks skating #fashionista nonny #i would write more but covid brain means my energy and life force are at a -1000

[funkymbtifiction]

Hi Charity,

First of all I hope you're doing well, and I wanted to say thank you for all your posts over the years, I'll miss them popping up in my feed!

I read the ask about the ESFJ 6 who was unsure about how to handle their relationships with 9s, and while I found your response very pertinent, I thought I'd add something.

I'm pretty sure I'm a 9w1 INFP btw. I just wanted to talk about this sentence of yours:

But all the 9 is thinking about is "how can I reintroduce peace into my life? By getting rid of this person who is disrupting my peace!".

I think this is a very "thinkery" way of putting it, and while it will probably speak to the asker, I wouldn't say that it's really what's happening from the point of view of a 9. It makes it sound kind of callous and heartless from my point of view.

In the same sort of situation, I wouldn't be thinking that. I probably wouldn't be thinking very much, actually. It may not be the same for all 9s, but the thing is I don't even think in words. I think in pictures, and most of all I feel. I feel a lot. I feel energies. So if I wanted to text or call someone in that kind of situation, and tbh I probably wouldn't want to, I would feel I "have" too, I would grab my phone, but then start to feel "bad" (anxious or sad or angry or anything really), and I would automatically start doing something else and even forget about what I was about to do.

Bad energy > not doing that

And if it happened every time I tried to contact someone, then I just wouldn't contact them, unless at some point the "bad feeling of not doing something I feel I have to do" gets stronger than the "bad feeling I have when I try to do the bad-energy thing". Or unless Actual Real Life Consequences (sometimes not even then).

(when it gets really tricky and mind-bendingly stupid is when the bad energy comes from not having done the thing you felt you had to do, so you don't respond because YOU FEEL BAD YOU HAVEN'T RESPONDED yes that's ridiculous thank you)

(Also sometimes I write entire texts or emails in the shower and promptly forget about them the second my foot touches the mat but my brains registers the task as done ✅ but that's another issue.

Also also sometimes I feel like something needs a Proper Response and I just don't have the energy for that, so I don't do it, when the person would probably have been happy with a few words/sentences. The length of this is probably indicative of what I deem a Proper Response. Sorry about that.)

Add to that the fact that I can not speak to someone for like two YEARS and pick it up as if nothing has changed, so when I was younger (and still sometimes now, especially since COVID has further eroded my capacity to evaluate time), it wouldn't even have occurred to me that someone could be sad/angry/worried if I didn't get back to them for a few weeks (oh was that last week already? Where does time go, eh?), let alone a few days (unless in case of Urgent Stuff and Important Things and romantic relationships).

Left to my own devices, I kind of float through life, and my mind always has something to think about (of course mostly fantasies and philosophical stuff and memories, not much productive), and I always have more fun hobbies to try and things I've been wanting to do and putting off, and people and communication takes a lot out of me, so they often fall by the wayside, but as you said it doesn't mean that I don't think or care about people.

What I mean to say is that I wouldn't actually think "I need to drop this person", it would just happen gradually because I would time and again just not deal with the problem because bad energy. And a lot of the time the dropping would be done by the other person because of it. Or the relationship would just mutually die of neglect.

It's pretty much been my life's struggle, and now I need to actively tell myself "if you don't do this now, you probably won't do it at all" and force myself to see that I'm making a choice RIGHT NOW by ignoring something, but I think especially for young and/or immature 9s it's not actually a conscious decision, nor is it mean-spirited. I have to remind myself of the consequences for other people too, and of their personal preferences. Paradoxically but not really, if I know someone is like me then there's much less pressure to communicate and I'd naturally do it more than with someone who would need it more, which really sucks for everyone.

But sometimes if both people in a relationship have to constantly make huge efforts not to hurt the other person's feelings, then maybe it's not the right person, or not the right time, and maybe they're better off finding other people with whom things won't be as difficult.

Anyway, since I've been in that kind of relationship before, just thought I'd share my side of it in the hope that very thinkery types may see that sometimes we just don't think about things. And we can be very sorry about that.

Wish you all the best Charity!

Thanks for sharing and clarifying with me, I appreciate it :)

I wish I had known more about 9s and their tendency to "forget" time and pick up where they left off as if it never happened years ago -- my relationship with a lot of 9s would have been a lot different and healthier on both our sides.

I also suspect (at last, I assumed this for 9s I have known in the past) that once the 9 becomes consciously aware of not answering someone for a long time, sometimes there's anxiety centered in whether that person is "upset" with them that delays them even longer.

6s have to grow toward 9 to get healthier, so it's interesting to me how often I ignore my gut instincts (like talking to this person makes me feel bad... but doing nothing about it) and default into my own inertia -- I have both some of that 9ish tendency to numb out and ignore things and hope they go away through my 9 line, but I have to learn to better use my 9 to actually obey what my feelings and body are telling me (that this relationship isn't what I want, so move away from it / decrease the stress in my life).

#question #enneagram #enneagram 9

[jyoon3]

Day 3

Fell asleep before I could finish this post…



I failed again...

I told myself I wouldn't cry today but every time I'm in my car or by myself, the tears just start falling. Am I going to keep feeling like this...to keep crying every day? I have no energy and I have no desire to move forward or to keep going. I've been on autopilot, just running through the motions. 

Today, I woke up and I couldn't get myself to fall back asleep. I kept tossing and turning before finally deciding to just get up out of bed. I'm not sure what made me get up and begin to work out but that was my first instinct. To just start my day with a workout. My body is still hurting from training at Quantum on Monday but I decided to go through with it anyway. It wasn't much and it was just body weight and core work.

As I was driving to work, I was left with my thoughts and feelings. Drove to work on autopilot, not really registering what turns I was making and where. I made it to work by 7 am. I entered the building, wiping my face and trying to gather myself. Ms. Airey saw me...she said I appeared distraught. She knows how I am feeling and what I've been going through. I made sure someone knew, to keep me accountable. (She also has the task of making sure I finish a book a month this year.)  I rushed back to my classroom to make sure I could get myself together and to plan a lesson for today since Crump is out. Since she's out with COVID for the rest of the week, I'm on my own. For all six classes-- 3 of hers and 3 of mine for each day plus whatever classes I have to cover during my planning period. Today, I have Mr. Ruby's 6th grade ELA class to cover. I am not looking forward to it. 

It's the first period as I am writing this and all I can think about is him. I want to text him and see how he's doing. If he's been sleeping...are you at least eating....are you still working out? Are you still watching football and basketball? Have you sunken yourself into your games?  I've lost 7 lbs in the last two days...eating has been a struggle. I've lost my appetite and all desire to consume food. Will there be a day that I get back to living life normally? Where I don't think of you or wonder what you're doing or how you're progressing? Where in life will you be? I'm reminded of my final goodbye to you...the feeling I had, where I would never see you again. The way my heart broke into pieces as I got into my car and drove away. To see you standing on your doorstep made me want to just turn back around. 

I look at the keychain he gave to me...every chance I get. I may make it into a necklace. 

Second period wasn't so bad today. The kids were talkative and obnoxious as usual. I made Ty'Quan cry from calling him out during our brain break: Silent Ball. He got angry and he said some things to me that were garbled under his breath but it made the kids all riled up. I told him to step outside and he began to cry. I didn't feel bad at all....does that make me mean? I guess next time I can be more kind about it instead of putting him on the spot. Overall, the sixth graders weren't so bad--I gave them a bunch of notes and they were scrambling to write them all down. It was nice and quiet because they were frantically writing. Once second period ended, it was lunch...and I was alone in my room again.

Why is it that every time I am alone, I am thinking of him? I cried again. I silently wept in my room until I finally got myself together and was able to move across the room to heat up my lunch. I didn't eat. My food just got cold as I sat there...I had no desire to eat. No desire to do anything. I finally forced myself to get up and go get my kids from lunch at 12:00...a few minutes early. 

Third period was chaotic as expected from all of the crazies I have in there. Damon was great with assisting the new student get acclimated to the classroom. It took the whole class to make Savion, Jy'Aire, Uriah, and Kaden to focus. It was until the very end that they stayed in their seats. It wasn't until I realized that Ms. Matthews gave the kids fries...after I said no. She stated explicitly to the kids "I'll bribe you with fries...." I said no....and yet she gave it to them anyway. Beyond annoyed with the kids but also her. I'm over it. I was also frustrated with the fact that I had to rush to clean my room and she just sat there like I didn't have somewhere to be.  I anticipate this week and the next few weeks ahead to be rough.

—

After covering Ruby’s class, I rushed to go to practice. It was a long day. Tim threw in some new plays the other day and I just had the hardest time concentrating and keeping up with the kids as they were running through them.

BASKETBALL GAMES

Today, our kids played against New Town HS. Before the game, I stopped and said hi to Eric after not seeing him for so long. As I was watching him during warm ups, I began to cry…he was dunking with ease and looked like he improved so much since I last saw him. Words could not describe how proud I was of him and all I wanted to do was text him to tell him “Gucci can dunk!” (Gucci was what he called him.)

Watching Eric play against MSJ was a lot harder than I thought it would be.

During Halftime, I talked with Maria—she came out to take pictures of the kids. I told her some of what happened and surprisingly I didn’t cry. Maybe it was because we were in public and I was surrounded by people I know.

MSJ ended up blowing out New Town 95-30 something. It was a quiet game for me. I didn’t say much.

But after getting into my car, it hit me hard. I cried as I drove home.

I miss him.

[syubub]

2021 Reading for BTS and the collective!!

Wow wow wow! I didn't disappear or get dragged away by a demon. No no, I just got thrust into unexpected shadow work and I now have an unhealthy obsession with sea shanties and a love of pasta.

I had this idea planned to be early in January but that didn't pan out so I'm doing it now. I have another yoongi reading in the works and another fun thing coming soon as well!!

I promise I won't bore you to death any longer but I hope you've all been doing well!!

Disclaimer: This is for entertainment purposes only and not to be taken as fact.

If this message doesn't apply, let it fly!

Cool cool cool.

Let's get it.

💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

Oki. I first want to say that this I gonna be long lol. I did a meditation and gathered some little pieces of things y'all might need to hear and then I pulled cards for every month. The fountain tarot deck is the cards for us, the collective, and the rider-waite cards are for bts. It'll make more sense when I add picks and stuff. I did a little extra card pull for yoongi for the month of May too :) I'll make sure to type out all the cards in text so you know what they are (the pics are kinda wack.) I also used my pendulum to ask if there was a bts related event for every month and that's at the bottom. It's just to take in the possible energy for the month and something that could result from that energy!

LETTUCE BEGIN (hehe)

Starting with the section for the channeled messages. I want to reiterate that this was collective so if it doesn't resonate with you, the message might not be for you! Use your intuition.

(Enough talking. Damn)

So. As I said this was through meditation and connecting to the big column tree thing (I told my cousin about the tree/pillar and they were like,, "so basically a big energy dildo in the æther?" .... I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. h e l p m e) and asking if there was any messages or advice that needed to be delivered and it was... intresting?

Things came fragmented. So there was little messages like, "Its gonna be okay" and "things are changing for everyone" and "open your eyes if you want to see" (that's sassy.) There was one particular thing that was confusing me though. Straight up it was just "flower" on repeat and like a really bad picture of a flower? Like you could tell what it was but it was bad quality. Anyway, I was like "okay. Kindly shut the fuck up. Pls." And I wrote down flower, pink flower and rose. Sooo.... idk but there you go.

More messages were things like, "the block isn't in your head", "try calling forth that which you seek" and... February. Possibly there is specific (very very very loose) connection to the 10th-19th? I'm not to sure what or why but I'd say maybe look out for opportunities on these days and also maybe external events.

Continuing with dates. In the last this 21 and January 21 came up. It came up again but with 2 messages. So first, either 21st is a day where something is put into motion (possibly private or public) or announced and the second was "add them together dumbass" that's not very kind but 3. Again this has been discussed too but but but... maybe a signal of a third mixtape 👀 (not necessarily on the 21st per say but possibly in March? I'm really not sure).

Oki. I got side tracked like I always do and started thinking about tattoos and stuff and I really want koo to have a peony tattoo. I feel it in my BONES. It would suit him so well. and as I was thinking about tattoos I heard, "don't be surprised if yoongi gets/shows a tattoo this year" ??? What the fuck? I think maybe they messing with me but now I have hopes and I don't want them to be crushed and thrown to the wind :(

Back to normal stuff, "the theme is growth" I think that fits very well with the reading. "Blue might be a lucky color" self explanatory. It might be lucky. "Start practicing grounding and centering" this was LOUD. This will help you in how you react to events in the future. Really do practice this if you haven't.

This is where it gets a little weird. So, I got a message that said "start living as if you never existed." I am not a 100% sure what this means but I think I have a pretty good guess. I hate to make it sound weird like this but by sort of focusing on something that is so hard to comprehend (because our brains can't comprehend not existing very well) you kinda break the 4th wall? Like in Deadpool when he addresses the audience and is aware that he is a character played by Ryan Reynolds? anyway, focusing on something that seemingly impossible you kind of accidentally open up the floodgates for a lot of other things. I would say if you are not in the right headspace to do this don't do it but it can be a powerful way to break up the monotony of reality. The theory that everything happens simultaneously bc time isn't a linear progression events blah blah we are energy blah blah the multiverse blah blah.. Theres so so so so so so so so so much about this and how it applies to things that I could probably write you 10+ dictionaries worth of material but for the sake of simplicity and not wanting to write a novel right now, I will continue. The main lesson is to start challenging your perception of the world around you. Ask why and why and why and why. Essentially seeing cracks in the matrix. Pulling your head out of your cosmic ass, realizing that rose you're smelling is actually daffodil ect. It's not supposed to bring you fear but just kinda encouraging you to question all the things that you perceive as given truths.

I tried to make that sound cohesive but really it's such a big concept that I can't really wrap it up all nice and neat.

Oki. May and March are also important times.

Listen to your intuition and try not to take everything so seriously. I'm not saying to check out and go squat in the Himalayas but it's important to find joy in the now. Life is already tough enough so don't forget to watch a silly show that you like or change your hair to a style you've never tried, wear makeup in a very loud way. Just have fun and don't worry so much about things that you can't control. Listen to yourself and your intuition.

Well that was all over the place. Let's get on to the actual tarot part now.

For the record, the pictures are right to left.

January for the collective

We have the empress, the sun, 7 of swords and a fortune that says "act well your part; there the honor lies"

Hmm. Ngl I was a little confused to see the empress and the sun for January... I mean it hasn't been great. So I pulled clarity card 7 of swords. The 7 of swords is all about betrayal. It's about the deception and and actively getting away with things. This is people lying, cheating, sneaking and the works.

This makes much more sense!! The Sun card is usually about joy and success and happiness but in this case I see it as illuminating the betrayal. It's shining light on the deception and keeps the spotlight there. Its also an energetic card so I think that shows passion for uncovering the truth.

With the empress card too I think January is all about getting creative in all forms. Creative ways to protest, to mourn, to celebrate, to connect. Also taking in the abundance that we DO have. The beauty that surrounds us. I like to think of aphrodite energy for this. Its not just love and passion and creativity but is also asserting yourself and having strong passion for what you love and fighting for it. Did you know aphrodite was also called upon in ancient Greece in times of war? She was honored as a goddess of war but still a goddess of love, the sea, fertility ect. What I'm trying to say is that being a creative and "feminine" energy is in no way weak. Sometimes the most powerful things come from this energy. Love aggressively with good intentions. The point is that you should take whatever you're feeling and translate it into something creative or something you care about. The fact that covid is still a thing really sucks but take any rage, hurt, sadness, joy, love whatever and use that shit to make something amazing. Bake bread and punch the fuck out of it, paint your frustration, play hopscotch in higheels while you listen to heavy metal. You get the point.

Now January for BTS!!

We have the death card. (I only pulled one card bc I have things planned from this)

January has been... strange? To say the least.

This card can be a lot of things for them. I think this points to more maturity in their music? Like they've finally ditched the "shiny kpop boy band" label and are being taken seriously in the west. I also think that they're going through a musical/concept transformation~ I think it also signified the change in plans bc of the Grammys perhaps they had things planned an that fell through so they were forced to rapidly change plan/course.

For January: possible mixtape or announcement.

February for the collective

We have 8 of coins reverse and hanged man reverse.

The 8 of pentacles reverse talks a lot about self improvement. Doing that good good inner work and self care. Working on developing parts of you that you've maybe neglected. It's also learning how to work with how you are instead of wishing you weren't the way you are. If you have a therapist its a great time to maybe ask for any extra tips that you can practice daily to help you even more. Maybe exploring more into insecurities relating to finance or jobs or your passions. If you don't have a therapist but you have the means to get one I always highly recommend. You don't have to have "problems" to see a therapist. Everyone could use a non biased point of view that is literally trained to help you be you best self. If you can't get therapy, I get it. Shits tough rn but there's still things we can do to better ourselves like Journaling and reading therapy blogs or self help books (not the taky shit) or trying a hobby you fell out of touch with. There's also a lot of places where you can get therapy promise on the internet. Most importantly, better yourself in the way that you need. Take time in February to take notice of what you want to improve upon. The 8 of coins reversed does come with the warning not to get stuck in perfectionism. Go easy on yourself and if you find yourself getting frustrated when working on projects, try to take a step back and practice whatever it is in a fun way and then come back to it later

Hanged man reverse talks about knowing that you need to chill but you don't. You'll need too. Maybe you'll find yourself swept up in work and tasks and you're over whelmed and know you need to stop and catch your breath but you resist. Why? Well, perhaps you're trying to ignore reality by filling the empty spaces with things and stuff so you don't have to face what's bothering you. Not wise. Take time for yourself. There's also the flips side where people are just kinda stuck.. creative block. Maybe you want something to turn out one way and it just isn't, so your stuck and frustrated and can't move past it. Let go of your expectation of how it should be and let it be what it is. Go with the flow and maybe you'll see a new way to overcome your problem. You'll eventually get that break through that you need! The theme of February is about self improvement. Listen to yourself.

February for BTS

We have judgment.

Hehe yeah. This card is about rebirth and the inner calling. Letting go of the old to step into the new version of you. This is also a very spiritual card lol. This can talk about a new decision that you have to trust your gut on. This is a very significant card that screams comeback to me. It also can talk about sharing your struggles with a group of people and that to me sounds comeback ish. Maybe this will be an announcement in February, maybe they'll be working on it idk but this is ultimate comeback energy so I hope they utilize this for a big group project!!

February: possible BTS comeback (even my pendulum knows)

March for the collective

The chariot and justice

This plays directly off of February! With the chariot you're taking the self improvement that you've done and putting it to action! Now is the time to act on the dreams and passions that you have don't wait and hope for the best. March is about action and standing in your power.

Justice card is cause and effect and truth. What you do will have consequences good or bad. Not doing anything also has consequences. Cease the moment and make the best of it. You'll be taking responsibility for what you do. You start a business? Now you have the responsibility of running it and you get the credit. Stuff like that. Stand by your decisions with conviction and trust yourself.

There's also the side of justice that talks about bringing justice. If you've been wronged, you'll be brought justice if you stand up for yourself.

We also carry the continuous lesson of learning what we truly believe and challenge those beliefs!

March for BTS

Oki we have the hermit and the 6 of pentacles reverse.

Well... let's start with the 6 of pentacles reverse. This can really talk about being so generous and giving to everyone else that you forget about yourself. I think that maybe they might be over exerting themselves and giving so much that they're exhausted physically and emotionally as well. I think too, they take on so much of our pain like its their own? Idk but this would be a good time to do a large scale fan project to show them a little extra love!

With the hermit card it talks about a self introspection so they could be looking inward as a team and kinda evaluating their bond.

I also see this as maybe being alone as in they maybe can't physically go to the grammys? Or maybe they had been planning the rescheduled concerts and they had to be pushed back even further? Things like that. Regardless this signals re thinking/reevaluating the goals that they have and considering what direction to go in!

March: possible mixtape or solo project?

April for the collective

We have 6 of coins and 3 of cups reverse.

Let's start with the 6 of coins. It's about sharing. It can be about charity so sharing money via donation but also giving time, effort, energy to people as well. Giving knowledge is good too! It's an all round exchange. Maybe someone lends you money or you lend money to someone. It's give and take. It's a two way street. It's also a card of balanced finance. So money stuff should be looking promising around this time (for you U.S people this could point to more stimulus help as well)

And for the 3 of cups reversed... I see this as reopening of places and people struggling to find the balance. So think people who've been in lockdown celebrating by throwing a big party... yikes. This card reminds that we should be mindful of the long-term consequences that come with our actions.. maybe also people that are experiencing fear of being in public places now. This is only one facet though. Bc I think this also means in general, missing being with friends and having a renewed relationship because you've really realized how important it is to have these people that mean so much to you in your life. Don't forget that you have people that love you and want the best for you. Call them when you feel alone.

April for BTS

The heirophant

Mhmm. This one kinda gives me vibes that they'll be mentoring people? Idk but I see them more as the heirophant teaching what they've learned/ know to help guide others. HOWEVER this could also be them taking a new task under their belt. Learning something new. Since this is as a group reading I assume that this talks about the group as a whole. This card is also very tradition oriented so maybe they are taking lessons that are connected to traditional Korean culture? Maybe its for RUN or maybe its to incorporate into music and preformance. Think bts mma preformance but all of them learning together? Idk, it's just a thought (maybe wishful thinking). It also talks about seeking counseling so maybe they'll do yoongis idea from the most recent RUN.

This can also be them embracing this kind of leadership/ status.

April: I got nothing. It does feel like something though

May for the collective

Five of cups and queen of cups reversed

Five of cups is disappointment, regret and self pity. Now honestly this to me looks like possibly a tightening of restrictions yet again. Regardless of the situation that this is talking about, the best thing you can do is not wallow in the bullshit. You scrape yourself off the pavement and move foward. You'll need forgiveness of yourself and others and that if shit isn't going your way, you need to pull your head out of your ass and look around bc there's options out there. It's like drowning in a kiddie pool. Just stand up, dude. The water is like 5 inches.

Queen of cups reversed talks about self love and self care. It's more of that look inwards energy. Think about really taking care of yourself. May might be emotionally draining so you need to be ready to take care of you! Part of self care is making sure that your boundaries are well enforced.

Be on the look out for codependent behaviors. Check in with yourself.

The queen of cups is very intuitive and having it in reverse can talk about you not taking enough time to listen to it. Make an effort to meditate for like 5 minutes a day at least. Do something to let yourself connect to your intuition and higher self.

May for BTS

9 of pentacles

This about enjoying the fruits of your labor and absolute abundance and luxury. This could talk about them rolling in the dough after signing a new partnership or having a concert or something if the sort. This could also be a time where we see them buying new things like houses, cars and rings (lol) but also this could be them doing a very high production value project! Also namjoon and his bonsai army are thriving in this time!

May: possible concert or scheduled concert event. Activity of some kind.

Yoongi interlude

I asked for one card to give me an idea of what the mystical May 13th really is. I got: the star, 2 of cups, 4 of wands, the world and the sun.

Guys. I can't with this. 2 of cups is a card of union, romance, soulmate. 4 of wands is celebration, joy, homecoming, bliss. The world is completion and the sun is happiness, joy, marriage, enlightenment.

I've said it a billion times but that's some soulmate shit. So soft so cute and May will be eventful for his personal life.

June for the collective

Death and the heirophant reversed.

Wow wow wow death is transformation and a new chapter so a new way of life and something new/ different that changes how we see things. Again this could be relating to new covid things and new policies and stuff like that but also new as in new to all of us. Groundbreaking perhaps?

The heirophant reversed talks about teaching yourself. Being your own teacher and making your own path. This might be spiritual or otherwise. Challange what the world wants from you and instead listen to what you truly want bc you don't need anyone's approval. Continue to ask questions about why things are the way that they are.

June for BTS

Page of pentacles

Oki oki page of pentacles means a new creative venture and manifestation. Maybe something that they've been wanting for a while finally comes to fruition. This might be the start of a new project that they haven't done before or something cross genre? Idk but its a really good sign of being motivated for a new endeavor and manifesting any projects that they've ever wanted to do. Love this promising energy!!

June: idk

July for the collective

10 of swords and 9 of cups reversed.

10 of swords signals a painful ending. Also deceit. Its a necessary end to a long battle. The only thing you can do is control how you react in these situations. You just kinda gotta surrender into the pain and know that it's temporary. Take time to reflect on what happened and why and how it will help you grow.

The 9 of cups reversed talks about valuing stuff and material things over emotions and spiritual things. This can be talking about society in general, that we are becoming more aware to the fact that there is often more value placed on ephemeral items rather than humanity as a whole. This also can be talking about coming to the realization that we've been working so hard towards... something we don't really care about simply because we were told that it's what you do.

If you want something different to happen you have to put in effort. You can't be sitting in front of a water fountain being like, "damn. I'm thirsty. I really really want water so why isn't it in my mouth yet?" Like?? Hello? You have to take the first step, my dude.

Certainly don't try to do anything that would cost you finatial security or health.

You have the potential to find happiness within yourself. So try looking inside instead of looking outward.

July for BTS

4 of swords.

This is about rest and relaxation!

Taking time to meditate and take some time to look at what you've done objectively. Ots like the hermit in a way but much more focused on resting and relaxing so you can come back stronger and with better direction. Maybe they'll take a break for a couple days but I really see it as them reassessing options. Especially if July goes how I think it will. Maybe they'll film something like In The Soop again? Maybe we'll see bon voyage type thing? Idk. But it could be something kinda out of the spotlight? Maybe something more healing?

July: maybe something?? I'm not sure but it seems like something might be in store.

August for the collective

5 of coins and the wheel of fortune

Well let's see. 5 of pentacles talks about isolation and a negative mindset. This talks about falling on hard times but its a temporary set back. This energy can be talking about falling on hard times emotionally as well. In the card it shows a woman outside of a church shivering and cold but she's too busy thinking about all that she's lost that she doesn't notice the warm church that she could step into for shelter.

But then with he wheel of fortune that talks about fate/destiny, opportunity and luck so maybe this is a necessary loss so that a new door can open. This does kinda tie in with July as well. The end of something is painful but it's often a necessary thing. Might be a bit uncomfy but that's how things change. Again I see this maybe hinting more towards society but none the less it's definitely a theme for August to have doors closing and new ones opening so be on the lookout for that.

August for BTS

The devil.

Now don't fret. The devil talks a lot about choice. Most notably the choice between instant gratification and and something more substantial and the devil leans towards indulgence. It also has a lot to do with the shadow side. This could talk about ~scandal~ sure, but I think its more of a time where you become aware of negative patterns and you shine a light on that part you've ignored. On a much lighter note this card talks also about an incredible bond between people. It can be unhealthy if not given space or boundaries. Listen to pied piper and come back to me.

I also REALLY REALLY REALLY hope that this card points to this: sexuality. The boys have always been pretty pg when it comes to the topic of sex and embracing sexuality so I really do hope to see something more daring and grown up and exploring a tastefully sexy concept. On the same vain as sexuality this card also talks about kinks and stuff like that so don't be surprised if we get more outfits like fake love Era bondage harnesses.

August: ???

September for the collective

We have the world and 10 of wands reversed.

The 10 of wands reversed talks about carrying burden. Doing extra work and taking on more responsibility. Doing everything by yourself and carrying this heavy load alone will get you burnt out quicker than anything. You might be taking on too much and you'll need to prioritize what you really need to focus on. I also think there will just be a lot happening in September for a lot of people. It's a lot of working hard because you know it's good work or because it's what's right. This could be social responsibility that's placed on you or work responsibility. For whatever reason this burden isn't something you want to share with others because you think its yours alone to deal with. It's not though bc you'll figure out eventually that if it hurts so much you'll find a way to lessen the burden. 10 in tarot is all about the completion of a cycle and going through the wands cycle is hard work because for anything to be made of passion, you need to put the work behind it. The burden isn't forever, the heavy work load will lighten but this is you seeing things out. It's a good thing!

Especially considering this is paired with with world. The world is all about completion and that's what you're doing here is finding completion. You are seeing things out until the end but you just need to learn to give up some responsibility, lessen your burden.

This also talks about hard work being put into wider social spheres as well. Things like the vaccines becoming more widespread through the whole globe or at least better planing and infrastructures not related to covid. Things are looking up!

September for BTS

Knight of swords reverse

This bad boi is restless energy. It's being so pent up that you're ready to burst and you really want to take action but you can't because something is keeping you from taking that action. Again I do think this is kinda covid related in regards to touring bc if they do tour in 2021 its gonna look a lot different. This energy can be a bit impulsive and directionless so I think maybe they'll channel this into album material something? I'm not really sure tbh. I'm suprised this energy didn't show up earlier because it almost seems inevitable.

September: no clue

October for the collective

Ten of coins and the star reverse.

Welp let's start with the 10 of coins. Its about wealth, financial security, and long term success so this is a pretty prosperous time. This talks about the obvious monetary wealth and material wealth but also an abundance of opportunities. So this is definitely a good time to enjoy whatever consistency you have. This energy is really really abundant in the career space as well. So October could be very prosperous in the job field and you'll have likely found what it is you really want and could be successful at. This could be the actual act or just the idea. This is could also talk about investing in something for your future, this could be time or money.

With the star reversed it can talk about a loss of faith and a disconnection. This often points to feeling like you've just been forgotten or left out. Like the universe doesn't give a shit about you and left you out to die. Things might seem unfair but always try to look for the lesson that you can take from the experience. Seeing the 10 of coins and the star makes me think that a lot of people have kinda lost faith in their manifestations and also just in the concept of not living in a state of need. Especially if you see other people doing well and you've been trying so fucking hard but you haven't gotten a break. I know we hate to hear it but this can serve as a test of faith. Or rather an opportunity to get your shit in line and take a second to breath. Do something good for yourself and then continue on. This star in reverse serves to show you what no longer sparks joy and helps you find what does and what that initial spark was in the first place. Helps you get back to the original vision/ spark.

October for BTS

5 of pentacles reverse.

This signals the end of difficult times and getting that groove back. The last month was restless energy with no where to go but this month that energy is certainly put to good use. They might be figuring out what has been missing In their lives and starting to rectify that. They are definitely reminded that material wealth doesn't bring spiritual or emotional wealth. Might be also feeling a bit alienated too.

October: something is likely but idk

November for collective

Six of swords reversed and the moon.

Transition and change is prevalent. The 6 of swords is about leaving behind the familiar. Maune this is leaving a job, a new change in the status quo, leaving a relationship ect. The thing you have to keep in mind is just how amazing this is in terms of what it will do. It will alow growth!! And bring clarity!! Thos can also be societal as well, something being left behind in favor of something new. It's letting go and reflecting so that you can move foward.

This is strengthened by the moon card. The moon card is the subconscious and all the things that come with it. The anxiety, the illusion, the uncertainty. You'll want to deal with whatever emotions come up. The moon can signify a confusing time where things aren't what they seem to be. That's the illusions so you'll have rely more on intuition at a time like this. Your dreams might hold significance in this time as well. Listen to your guides and your own guidance because it will help you understand more than you did before this journey began. Using moon cycles to your advantage in November might really help you!!

November for BTS

7 of wands

Challenge and competition. People are envious of bts. We know this. But people will be challenging them for what they've gained: music industry domination. This might co.e in the way that people will spread vicious rumors in attempt to disenfanchise or possibly it will be a fair fight. It could also be a challenge/ battle for some other aspect that involves legal matters.

My best guess though is good old competition. Bts has proven again and again that they will continue to do what they do how they do but they will not be trampled over. In the best way this could renew some of that spirit in friendly competition. They will tear eachothers throats out for a pack of ramen so maybe a bit of competition will be good for them. It keeps life intresting.

November: nothin

December for the collective

Two of cups and the emperor!

Let's start off with the emperor card talks about stability and order. It can also signify being the "breadwinner" so its a good sign that you'll kinda be on top of your shit. The emperor is also an amazing leader so you might find yourself taking on a leadership role too! This is very organized energy that works very smoothly!

two of cups is such a lovely way to end out the year! It's love and partnership and attraction so if you aren't in a relationship by this time you might meet someone who strikes your fancy!! On a none romantic relationship note though, this card is also great for business partnership bc it signifies that you're on the same page and have the same goals in mind!

It's harmonious relationships and trust between them!! Love love love this energy so much! Cups are the suit of emotions and this card is so promising.

If you are in a relationship, this can talk about "falling in love all over again" like you're just reminded of how good they are.

December for BTS

Queen of cups

Intuition, creativity and emotional stability. They're using intuition to guide their moves foward with emotional maturity. They are in a place of knowing what they want and why. This would be a good time to work on an album or a book or to release them. The queen of cups is like the friend that you can tell absolutely anything and somehow they have a helpful answer. This card is really calm and it can also talk about subconscious thoughts.

I think that bts is maybe making more of a conscious effort to make sure that what they do is just as emotionally fulfilling for them as it is for us! They might be kinda pondering the future at this time and considering if this is what fills their emotional cup!

December: possibly a thing?

Now these cards are the vibe of the year and some advice.

For the collective (on the left)

Three of swords and judgment reverse.

The fortune says "accept the challenges, so that you may feel the exhilaration of victory"

The 3 of swords is about disappointment and hurt and heartbreak. It's about the emotional release that we all need when shit gets tough. Don't pretend to be strong. If you need to cry, fucking cry. This year is about letting go of expectations and do what you have to do to release so you can move foward and not have these things pile up.

You have to make an effort to not let yourself take on what other people think of you. You aren't defined by what some asshole says. You define yourself.

Judgment reverse is about self doubt and ignoring your path. It's being stagnant and being harsh on yourself. This year has a focus on building yourself up and noticing when you are not. Bring light to the things that are holding you back without harsh judgment for yourself. You can't beat yourself up. If you make a bad decision you know not to make it again. Take accountability and move on.

The oracle card is inner temple.

Seriously all the focus of this year is in self improvement and dear god, please take time to work on yourself spiritually!!! Everything you want to know is there if you take the time to listen. This should be a place where you feel safe and welcome. It definitely should not feel like something you HAVE to do.

For BTS

10 of swords and page of swords

The fortune says "you create your own stage. The audience is waiting" (how tje fuck?? This is the perfect fortune)

The 10 of swords is a painful but necessary end. This is accepting the current situation. They maintain focus for 2021 for them is adapting and keeping their spirits up.

With the page of swords it talks about new ideas and that kind of creativity. It's also a lot about communication so I really think that they'll be figuring out new ways to connect and new projects that will be prosperous.

The oracle card is Pleiades

This is what we talk about all the time. Bts has helped so many people want to be better and do better. They are uplifting humanity and giving people a sense if belonging. Bts finds you when you need them most 💜💜💜

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wow I had to write this up over 2 days bc this was so fucking long. I need a nap. Idk if I'll proof read this before I post it so don't hate me for the mistakes (honestly, there's like 10,000 spelling and grammar mistakes in my other posts too 🙃)

I hope you guys enjoyed it and maybe this will be helpful to to have a forecast of some possible energy for you to look out for!!

Also bts bc I love them. I have another bts 2021 reading I'll do soon too!

Hope you guys are happy and well 💜

#bts #bts tarot #tarot reading #tarot #seokjin #jin #yoongi #min yoongi #suga #hoseok #kim seokjin #jhope #namjoon #bts rm #bts jimin #jimin #taehyung #v #jungkook #jk #bts reactions #bts imagines #bts v #2021 forecast

[oneweekoneband]

In the first cold hours of a new December morning, Taylor Swift once again revealed herself to be the primary antagonist in my hero’s journey. Weary and woebegone as I am, I will not waste strength on any attempt to deny that this latest attack has knocked me off balance, but I believe it is important that I—we, really, the lot of us who have been bloodied pitiably beneath this most brutal show of force—rebound immediately into a defensive posture so that there might be any hope at all for survival. Taylor’s second pandemic album will be released at midnight tonight, so I guess Shakespeare and his little “play” about elder abuse can get fucked after all. The album is called evermore. It was hubris, I can see in retrospect, which led me to tempt my enemy by writing all these words about her on this, the week of her birthday, knowing as I do that Taylor is one of those especially dangerous adults who make a big deal about both birthdays and lucky numbers. Icarus is my name now, covered in melted wax and tumbling to the sea. So as to steel ourselves for these horrors yet to come, I offer now, with not arrogance but the faith of the foolhardy, my best conjecture as to the content of each detestable track. 

willow - Could be about a tree. Could be about a girl. More likely it is both somehow, which is extremely pervy, and not just because that’s part of the plot of the unspeakably cursed The Raven Cycle novels, which I, a full blown adult with, generally speaking, normal brain function, voluntarily read for the first time this summer because some of us, ma’am, used the pandemic for activities that hurt only ourselves, not others. Well, happy holidays, tree fuckers.

champagne problems - Whatever this is, know that I will be considering it a work after Fall Out Boy’s “Champagne for My Real Friends, Real Pain for My Sham Friends” and I’ll be right to do so and many people will say as much admiringly and they’ll smile at me with pride and doff their caps as I go.

gold rush - If this song is anything but a loving, comprehensive summation of the children’s novel DEAR AMERICA Seeds of Hope: The Gold Rush Diary of Susanna Fairchild then I’m going to walk directly out of my home and, deadly virus be damned, keep walking until I’ve entered Taylor Swift’s instead, at which point I will begin to scream out a litany of complaints at the very top of my voice, ceasing only when her security team kills me or we fall in love.

tis the damn season - Worst case scenario this is a sad Christmas song (the best kind of Christmas song) and it devastates me in the most degrading way possible. Best case scenario it’s really bad and dumb and I can live without pain.

tolerate it - Many possibilities here. Could be about white-knuckling it through a period of depression, or a breakup. Most obviously, it could be about COVID-19 lockdowns keeping us trapped in our homes, disconnected from loved ones, going slow-brained and strange, bowls piling up, and suddenly so desperate for human interaction that even memories of having drinks with somebody from Hinge who quoted Friends twice in an hour are tantalizing in comparison to the touch-starved dreamstate of staying indoors... But I kinda feel like this is Taylor replying “COPE” from on high to my tweets about how I would rather be boiled alive than have to face the existence of this record.

no body, no crime (feat. Haim) - What would be very good is if this is a homosexual romp about Taylor Swift and the one hot Haim guitar girl with the really gay energy doing a murder together a la “Somethin’ Bad” by Miranda Lambert with Carrie Underwood, but honestly, it is probably another song about Gone Girl.

happiness - Impossible to speak on this since, thanks to Taylor Swift, happiness is something with which I have no familiarity. 

dorothea - Have seen chirping on the odious bird application about how perhaps this song title suggests that Taylor has written a song about Middlemarch, titling it for Dorothea Brooke, but I reject this because it implies that Taylor has read Middlemarch, which is a premise I cannot accept. Whether this refusal is out of self-preservation, being unwilling and in fact unable to face a world where Taylor Swift read and was moved to creation by the novel which was my most essential friend the summer I got dumped by a guy who I still had to work feet away from in a candle factory for another month, and about which Emily Dickinson (Emily Dickinson whose birthday it happens to be today, which isn’t to say that this means anything about anything. I am simply trying to batten down all hatches literally and spiritually in light of having been had once again by this numerology obsessed demon) once wrote "What do I think of Middlemarch? What do I think of glory.” or because I just at my core do not believe that Taylor has read a single book since Gone Girl I couldn’t possibly say.

coney island (feat. The National) : Some ungodly americana ass bullshit that is going to ruin my life. The thought of holy terror shaped like a horse girl Taylor Swift and trickster nymph in the body of a tax accountant Matt Berninger, two individuals I have allowed, separately, to cause me grievous psychic harm, having even the barest amount of one to one contact, even digitally, has made me want to peel all my skin off and put it back on flipped inside out so that I might, when I look in the mirror, see a version of myself which approximates how I feel.

ivy - Another song for the plant lesbians. That’s fine, and I’m happy for that community, but what I want to know, looking at this growing pile of songs named after women, is where, Taylor, is the song about loudmouth queen Inez, legendary gossip and, for my money, the star of folklore?  

cowboy like me - Putting it as mildly as humanly possible, to slit my throat would be less cruel. I am drawing a straight line from me writing illegible sequels to perfect film An American Tail: Fievel Goes West (itself a sequel) in crayon as a toddler, to Paula Cole’s “Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?” on the radio in my mom’s two door Honda, to me everyday after school in third grade changing into the cowboy costume my godmother bought, to me at fourteen internalizing a sense of righteous indignation that would take years to even begin to outgrow when Crash beat Brokeback Mountain for Best Picture, to the winter I dropped half my classes out of fear and sickness and read paperback westerns on the twenty third floor of the college library for tens of hours at a go, to the profoundly gay episode of Supernatural called “Tombstone” which is, yes, named for the profoundly gay cowboy film Tombstone, to the inspired and revitalizing pause in “Space Cowboy” by Kacey Musgraves where she’s like, “You can have your space........ cowboy”, to Mitski’s Be the Cowboy, to the perfect boygenius cover of certified classic “Cowboy Take Me Away”, to whatever the hell this is going to be.That line is not to make a point at all. It’s just that there is a line and beside it there is me, incapacitated.

long story short - Just like all the other times anyone has ever invoked this phrase in the entire history of human beings expressing themselves with language, it is going to be a huge lie, because this woman never shuts up.

marjorie - After all that Taylor has put me through over the years, she should have at least named one of these wretched things “ellen” after my dead Sagittarian grandmother, whose birthday is tomorrow, December 11th, which is again, the release date of Taylor Swift’s second album in sixth months, but it’s probably for the best that she didn’t because you simpletons would immediately think it was an homage to George Bush’s friend Dory the fish, and therefore gay, regardless of the actual text of the song, and it’d be the “betty” massacre all over again. That being said, this is almost assuredly another horny song about some mid-century white lady. Only days ago Taylor was telling Entertainment Weekly that she’s been watching a lot of movies in quarantine, and while she didn’t name 1958’s Marjorie Morningstar starring Natalie Wood, I wouldn’t put it past her.

closure - God, I hope this one is another Kaylor classic so we can all act like complete raving lunatics online from the confines of our own plague quarters for a few days. It’s been a hard year.

evermore (feat. Bon Iver) - I’ll be catatonic by this point. Who cares?

right where you left me - Yes, in hell.

it’s time to go - Yes, TO HELL.

#taylor swift #folklore

[radicalcommonsense]

Radical Common Sense: Introduction.

Though we all may be very different, we likely have one thing in common: In one way or another 2020 has changed each and every one of us. As if these last four years hadn't already filled our brains to the brim with political jibber-jabber from the mainstream media. I think we can all agree that the news has been persistently focused on politics (more specifically allegations against President Donald Trump) and that it has been a constant noise buzzing all around us, effecting each and every one of our lives. When we turn on the radio, when we scroll through our social media feeds, when we're on the bus, or eating peacefully at a restaurant and the person behind us is talking a little too loudly. As if all of this weren't enough to endure, the pool of politics became much, much deeper for us to swim in when we were locked up in our homes for months on end.    I lost my job on March 15, 2020 when we were forced to close. I was fortunate enough to be able to continue to live comfortably with my boyfriend, but the time on my hands felt endless for the next 6 months. Like many I first went mad and began organizing every closet, cabinet, and sock drawer. I held so much pint up and nervous energy in my body that I felt like I was in a constant state of sticking a fork into an electrical socket and could burst into a series of sparks, burning to a crisp at any moment. I began dowsing myself in CBD products to try and keep my cool. I started painting, reading a ton and took an online Interior Design course???

   Once I had finally grown somewhat accustom to my new and strange life of gardening, day drinking, reading on the balcony and pretending that I was a retired old woman, that's when the riots started happening. The shutdown alone had caused even more friction to rise between both ends of the political spectrum. Conservatives voiced their objection to government overreach while Leftists called people jogging outside without a mask "grandma killers". There was certainly ignorance shown on both ends of the spectrum, but the point I'm making here is that the tension was growing with each and every day that we all were forced to stay home, leaving our means of having any income in the hands of Daddy Government.    I did my best to limit my social media intake, but even 5 minutes scrolling would reveal a whirlwind of very strong and accusatory opinions of the shutdown, Black Lives Matter, racism, systemic racism, systematic racism, another cancelled syrup bottle or comedian who wasn't politically correct in a stand up act back in 1994, white privilege, voter fraud, total Covid-19 hysteria and a whole lot of shaming those who didn't follow suit with the mainstream narrative. There were people fueling these fires and if you dared to question their motives you were on the chopping block, also embarrassingly known as Cancel Culture.

   We all know what it is, but I am afraid to think of how many of us have actually experienced it. I certainly did when I shared a video of a BLM event happening in Chicago. This video was particularly alarming because the crowd of "peaceful" protestors were so extremely organized in their attack. I felt overwhelmed with fear watching as they took their giant "Black Lives Matter" sign made of pvc pipe, that stretched across what looked like 6 lanes of highway, hid behind it, changed into all black clothing and then proceeded to use it as a shield as they grew closer to their target. Once they were close enough, the pvc pipe was pulled apart to reveal that it had been constructed from pieces of pipe that they had sharpened to a nice and lethal point. They then began to throw these sharpened pieces of pvc pipe, along with frozen water bottles, frozen cans, rocks and explosive devises at police officers who appeared to be standing back, allowing the protest to happen without interference prior to this attack. So much so that most of them were even unarmed, not expecting violence to prevail on either side. (Feel free to watch the video to see for yourself.)

   This certainly wasn't the first video I'd seen where "peaceful" protestors were being destructive or even gruesomely violent, but it was the first that made this movement look like a well organized militia, inspired by an organization which I believe has a Marxists, or communist agenda. When I shared my fears about this, calling the movement "violent" I received quite a lot of hate from the friends I'd somehow collected on Facebook over the last 10 years. They urged people not to support my creative endeavors. People took screenshots of the post and shared it on their other social accounts (completely out of context as the video was of course removed) in attempts to reach an even bigger audience. I received direct messages from total strangers who called me racists, among other things. I had already been “cancelled” by some close friends prior to this for going to the beach on the day it re-opened in Daytona and posting about it with a caption that suggested it was safe to be outside. This idea seemed to really devastate some people and they made sure to let me know it as they called me the following names: Laughably f*cking stupid, Karen, Privileged, Nazi, uninformed, insensitive, stupid b*tchh, flat-earther, ignorant f*cking b*tch, racist, a “Trumper” and the ever popular white privileged b*tch. These are just some of the insults that I can remember off the top of my head. 

   My message here is not meant to invoke pity, or rage, or anything in between, but it is necessary for me to give you some back story as to what led me to my obsession to understand something very few people care about today, the Truth. I knew that the ideas I was hearing, coming from the mouths of the majority were wrong, but I wanted to understand why and I wanted to be prepared to defend myself, since it had been made abundantly clear to me that, that was going to be necessary. So, I delved even DEEPER into politics, government, American history and the criminal justice system. I am happy to say that this thirst for knowledge led me back into school, where I'm finally finishing up my associates degree (and getting straight A's). But I digress. Time went on and I calmed my little hummingbird heart over the dramatic smearing of my name (which had previously been widely accepted due to my Leftist blabbering of things I didn't really understand) and I continued to quietly read and research.    I dared to peer my head back into the land of Social Mania and posted yet again on Facebook. This time I felt I had something to say that was rather mild on the offensive scale... that proved to be incorrect. A friend of mine had shared a video with me of a fallen soldier whom he'd fought beside in Iraq. They had grown close and the video showed as they draped his casket with the American flag. The message he sent attached to the video said "this is why I'll always stand for the flag." I found his message really touching and shared the video along with what he had said (of course not mentioning his name out of respect). Later that day I received a message from a previous co-worker that was quite belligerent and sloppy, but somewhere in his (I'm assuming drunken) rage he asked the question: "Have you been radicalized or something?"

   We are living in a world where the narrative has completely shifted. It is no longer radical to preach about the wonders of what Communism "could" be. It is no longer radical to loot, riot, burn down churches, kill police officers and even innocent child bystanders so long as it is under the guise of social justice. It is not radical to want to uproot your countries entire political system in order to replace it with a "better", socialist/communist one that has proven to not only fail but ruin/end the lives of millions. It is now radical to suggest that we should honor our flag, those who fought for our freedom and to simply lift ourselves up to stand for the American flag.

   It is now racist to celebrate the 4th of July, insensitive to celebrate Thanksgiving, homophobic to practice Christianity and don't even think about subjectively acknowledging the accomplishments of Christopher Columbus. In fact, don't dare to celebrate the intellect of any of our founding fathers. It is now radical to be proud to be an American. It is radical to support a free-market economy. It is radical to defend straight white men against any and all accusations as they are the "obvious" oppressors of all. People will gasp if you question the effects of Drag Queen Story Hour and you're  likely just "uneducated" if you don't understand why the nuclear family is outdated.      

   In summary, do not practice critical thinking and especially not Common Sense. Just repeat after the mainstream media and you might be spared from exposing your truly "radical" ideas about traditional American values and your love of oppressive straight white men. 

   I will continue to write about these topics as well as covering current events from the perspective of someone who is dedicated to understanding the Truth, how we can connect what we’re seeing today to human History & to earn a better understanding of human behavior. I do not intend to use this as a platform to rant vigorously about my own personal feelings. Rather to defend what I believe to be Common Sense values. 

#marxist communism usa america biggovernmentsucks goverment taxationistheft turningpointusa tpusa conservative cuteservative #free market #big government #critical thinking #history #american history #psychology #clinical psychology #human behavior #mental health #patriot #christian #christian woman #cancel culture #politics #conservative women #candace owens #voice of reason #voice of the people #we the people #the american constitution #constitutional rights #quarentine shutdown lockdown walkaway #stories of us #lockdown #shutdown #media #mainstream media #facebook #politically correct

[isoisolated]

I have ADHD and it's not fun

29/12 edit: coming back to this post, I just wanted to add that at the time of writing, my adhd was unmedicated. Thought this might be good thing to note. 

My friend Ondrej kept sending me articles and texts posts written by other adhd people (mostly adult males) that it finally pushed me to write my own, because even though I could relate to some minor and major parts, something always felt a bit of and also because ADHD is a condition that's been heavily ignored by medical professionals not only in adults, but especially in adult women, which is a group I sort of represent myself. 

I could talk about this for ages, my therapist frequently tells me that I have this gift of intense self-analysis and immense passion to get it all sorted out once for all. I guess it's another way of saying I'm so hyperaware of my own existence and my brain simply latches onto it and constantly tries to solve its own problems. 

If you do not care about my own personal history, just skip to second headline.

I was clueless for the first 20 years of my existence

Now, ADHD isn't the only thing that's been making me feel almost alien, I dare to say that my puberty years were mostly about developing and internalising bit of trauma and processes that do no good in later life. 

I love music. And I mean I truly endlessly unconditionally love music. Being a daughter of music composer, I was 6 when I first asked my dad to show me where to press record in Logic Pro and told him to leave me alone while I recorded my first song. It was called Autumn is here and it sounded like something made by 6 years old. 

I remember we were attending castings for TV shows or commercials and later I was told that it was me who initiated such trips and that I always wanted to be a part of such things. I don't remember initiating such things but I remember for sure that I was very shy and uncomfortable when I was supposed to show off. 

I remember I was supposed to take piano lessons. And I was so baffled that I had to follow the book and play what's in the book, instead of playing thing I wanted. I think I told my parents after few lessons that I do not like it and was dropped outta it. This became a pattern, if I recall correctly. 

But that's nothing out of ordinary, kids are harder to get focused and entertained. I remember two moments from elementary school where I was told by my classmates that I'm acting like I have ADHD and it got me real mad every time, because in my head ADHD looked like not paying attention in class, being body hyper and overall just annoying. 

I could find a proof that I made myself first to-do list when I was 14. Since 14 I felt like I need more self control and self regulation, that I need to fit myself more into ambitions I had and have and in order to do that, I started making to-do lists with ambiguous tasks such as “work more on music” and “work-out”. It was also in during my great isolation era, I had no real life friends but one that I was seeing occasionally, I wasn't going out, I came from school on Friday afternoon and left my room on Monday morning. I was making friends online since I was 11 and lived mostly online. 

At that time I also started figuring out what was wrong with me. Since ever I always felt a bit “off” compared to my peers, I always felt weird (and was told that thousand of times in my life), I always felt like I was thinking about things a bit differently and my humour was different and my hobbies were seen obscure by my classmates (even though they weren't obscure at all). I felt alone for most of my growing up and feelings of complete loneliness and detachment haunt me to this day, making me spiral. 

I thought I might suffer from bipolar disorder, because I had high energy episodes and my emotions were so intense. I was crying almost everyday for both external and internal reasons, my head sometimes felt like too much and I found temporary peace in self-help books and esotericism. 

I was around 17-18 when I realised all of this is bullshit and that no book can make me do things that I wanna do. I'd spent hours, days and months thinking about doing things, being crippled by this weird force that hold my body down, unable to do anything, no matter how much I wanted it. I'd beat myself up for it, thinking I was just so damn lazy and stupid and pretentious. I wanna be a popstar, a successful musician, I have to do all these things and if not, I'm gonna fail so much and my life will lose its meaning. 

When I was 17, I released my first EP and for some reason, it found some attention and success, if we might call it that. Suddenly I felt on the right path, I was seen as a musician and also very young one. Even though I still was sad almost every day or had intense sadness episodes that could last for a week, it felt right and I couldn't wait to finish high school and become a full time musician. 

I'd produce music in unplanned episodes of total focus, where I would sit and do things for hours straight, without eating. My most favorite songs were made during 6-8 hour sessions and it felt amazing. I couldn't bring myself to produce music if I hadn't the right vibe or idea for it. 

It was around that time this woman texted me, saying she wants to be my manager and that she really likes my music. It felt so unreal but here I am, with my own professional manager, on my way to be the most amazing music person.

I'd crush on people (and mostly boys and men) constantly, it was also very episodic, could last for days to month where I'd had nothing on my mind but them, drowned in daydreaming and just imagining things and also letting them know all of that. It was magical but it was fleeting. It still is. But it is the greatest inspiration, where I feel so much emotions it makes me see things and then I can transform them into music. 

But there was still something wrong with me, I was very emotional, still struggling with making my routines work, I'd come up with new plans and schedules every week just to fail them the day after. It was exhausting and I saw nothing alike in my world too, I was alone and my experience was just not enough will power. 

I could get mad so easily, I'd clench my fists and was so close to punching someone and when I hated someone I hated them with immense passion and spent hours just imagining myself confronting them. I was so mad all the time on background too and even slightest thing would put me in classic rage mode.

I have problems remembering dates and names, I'm bad at remembering people's faces, I'm bad at learning things by myself even though I have interest in them. I'm bad at making routine for myself and actually following it.

I finished high school and planned to go study abroad but it turned out it isn't what I want so I came back and started looking for a job. Around that time I met my now best friend and thanks to him I actually started thinking even harder what might be wrong with me, so I looked up ADHD. And didn't believe that at all. I wasn't like this, was I? 

Then, the summer came and I met my friend (and also a fan) while being out for a beer. We chatted, had a great time and then told me I kinda am like a person with ADD. I was confused because I didn't recall what that does mean, later I remembered it's another (and outdated) term for ADHD, but it's the “quiet type”, where the hype happens mostly inside and doesn't manifest outside that much. So I started researching once again, because I trusted him and it was that one push I needed.

It's been year since that moment and it took me months to accept that I might suffer from ADHD and to this day I still have feelings of impostor syndrome, making it all harder for myself just like that, to be more interesting for myself. I still yet have to accept this. 

I was transitioning into adulthood and yet had actual emotional breakdowns, I was crying and my heart was aching and I couldn't bring myself to do things I want, to learn more about music production, to learn how to sing better, to learn my favorite k-pop choreos, to work-out, to embody my own vision of who I want to be. With music, I am my own boss and it's the worst.

Covid-19 hit our country and here came the first lockdown. It pushed me over the edge and I felt like I was losing all of my friends, I felt those feelings of loneliness and weirdness again, I felt like nobody knows what's wrong because I don't have it as bad as others, I was hurting so much my body was shaking and twisting. I decided to try medication, even though I told my psychiatrist I don't want to, I just felt like I cannot be like this anymore, it's too much pain and no matter how much I try, I can't make it better, I can't make it work. 

I started taking Strattera and after month or two, I saw it working. A bit, I could focus better and bring myself to do things more and more frequently, and if I had these weird emotional meltdowns, they weren't as intense as before. This serves me as ultimate proof that I am not making this up, because if I were, the medication wouldn't work and make me feel better, right? 

So, what am I doing now? 

I'm still a huge mess and I cannot see myself in a better light. Even though I have job that I perform at at stable rate, even though I have just a little problem cooking for myself, even though I have no troubles falling asleep, even though I can enjoy things greatly when those high energy waves hit me. 

I'm tired of myself, I'm tired of myself not being able to do anything again. I ignore my manager because I already know I have nothing else to say than “I cannot bring myself to do things and you know that, I'm sorry for being a constant failure.” When people compliment me, I thank them but deep inside I don't accept it. 

I have unreleased and WIP songs I can see never being released, ever. When I listen to music from my favorite artists, I can also feel the pain from the fact that I'm not like them and that I probably won't ever be, because my brain sabotages me every damn time. 

From the very moment I wake up to the very moment I fall asleep, there's music playing in my head. I don't choose what's playing, sometimes it's song I don't even like and yet it's stuck on loop. I talk with my therapist in my head, I'm having weird flashbacks in my head to my memories, I'm having “you should do X right now” and “why aren't you doing Y” stuck on loop too. This all is happening at once, every moment I'm awake, even when I'm talking with people. It's exhausting. 

I'm bored most of the time, I have interesting books in my bookshelf and still cannot read them because I have to reread paragraphs in order to actually understand them. And even then, I find my mind wandering again. I have problems with long texts and long tutorials.

I get frustrated easily, my head is overflowing with ideas I can't act on. I'm living in weird worlds I made up for myself, and then reality hits me. 

I had my first depressive episode few months ago. I felt like nothing matters, that I don't matter, I felt nothing and emptiness, I crawled up in bed and was mindlessly watching youtube videos. I didn't want to eat or drink, I wanted to not exist at all. That episode passed but it was my first encounter with actual depressive state and I know I can slip into it more easily now, it simply developed along the way, after 21 years without acknowledging that I have problems and I struggle. 

People don't understand the struggle, when talking to them about my problems, it's like talking to an automated assistant, coming up with phrases like “Did you try yoga?” “everyone struggles sometime” “you cannot accomplish everything”. They say they wanna listen and help until they don't. 

I have a mental graveyard for ideas I won't ever finish, no matter how good they are, because my brain won't let me. Proper medication would help, therapy also helps but I can't talk myself out of actual executive dysfunction. 

ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder, our brains are literally underdeveloped in some areas and wired differently. Our emotions lack regulation normal people have and our motivation is fragile. This can't be changed with yoga, this cannot be solved by trying more. Not to even mention, capitalist society is especially damaging to neurodivergent people (and not only them, of course). 

While on this journey, I am still meeting more and more people having same struggles like me, finding people who understand you is the best thing to battle impostor syndrome. Sometimes I can't help them and sometimes they can't help me, but it's okay, because we know we understand each other and if I wanna complain and vent, we can do so without having to explain this condition over and over. 

And I hope that someone finds this relatable too, because as a woman I know my group isn't represented enough. We are not children, nor adult males, we need more attention and more support, from both healthcare system and each other. 

While doing this, I hope to get myself proper medication and continue doing what I love the most - music. I don't love anything else more than that. I hope to get rid of “all or nothing” mindset, I hope to be more consistent, I hope my music will reach its listeners and fans. I still have enough time, I think, even though my sense of time is neurologically altered. 

#adhd #actually adhd

[accioromione]

How Ron and Hermione would be during COVID-19 if their kids had to come back from Hogwarts

So because it is 2020 and the epilogue happens in 2017...That would mean that Rose is in her third year and Hugo was 2 years younger so he’d be in his first year., (poor guy). 

Ron would be forced to be home because Wheezes would probably be forced to shut down and Hermione would have to work from home. And both would have to deal with Rose and Hugo trying to study from home.

Here’s a written piece of what would probably happen 

xx

“Dad do you know anything about arthimancy?” Rose asked  

“Rose, the fact that you even chose arthimancy came from your mums brain not mine.” Ron responded 

“Ugh...mums busy though and I don’t want to bother her!” 

“Okay okay let me take a look” Ron said, getting the piece of paper from her hand “yeah....Okay....so.....Yeah I have no idea.” He said handing it back 

“But you were an auror!” Rose responded, desperate.

“Yeah, you don't need arthimancy for that, defence against the dark arts help maybe...Runes...Arthimancy...That’s your mum.”

“ugh okay fine I’ll ask her after dinner if I dont figure it out myself...It’s hard to teach yourself I thought I was smarter than this.” Rose sighed in frustration. 

“Rosie you’re really smart, not having a class with a professor teaching you these things would be challenging for the smartest people.” Ron responded reassuringly 

Rose smiled, “Thanks dad this whole situation’s mad” 

“I know sweetheart, trust me no one hates this more than me....I don't know why your mum doesn’t just invent a cure...Don’t tell her I said that because knowing your mum she’d try to make one just because I said that” 

Rose laughed, “I won’t, okay thanks dad I’ll try again....” Rose said going back to his room.

Ron sighed, this situation was not ideal. Especially it being Hugo’s first year...He loved his kids but having a home with just Hermione and him after 13 years was exciting. 

And although they were financially stable...Ron was responsible for a successful business... which many employees depended on  ... He also wanted Rose and Hugo to have a proper Hogwarts experience...He had no idea that this would come into the muggle and the wizarding world...And poor Hermione...They were giving her twice the amount of work and in addition to that with the kids at home...It was all a lot...He tried to help in anyway he could, like right now, he was making dinner. Usually Hermione did cook, and she had become quite a good cook at that. However, upon marriage he’d learn how to make a few staple dishes from him mum.... and could master about 4 of them..which came in handy most of the time” 

Upon the smell of the cooking the Hugo came downstairs 

“Mmm are you making roasted potatoes dad?” Hugo asked, taking a whiff

“yep, along with the roast chicken and sprouts.” Ron said “It’s nearly done..can you go ask your sister to come downstairs”  

“Rose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Hugo yelled “Come downstairs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dinner!!!!” 

“Brilliant,” Ron said sarcastically “Definitely couldn't have done that myself Hugh” Rose went downstairs looking defeated.

“Arthimancy?” Ron asked

“I got it actually...It’s ancient runes now...This is too much....” Rose said, grabbing plates, helping to set the table. 

“You can do it...the both of you..How’s school with you Hugh?” Ron asked 

“Not too bad yet... I think they’re pitying us cause we’re first years and we had to be sent home first year and all of that....Which they should because this sucks” Hugo said, taking a seat at the table. 

“Yeah- well there’s still six more years for you..so hopefully everyones healthy and well and you can enjoy those.” Ron said....

“I’m going to go get your mum” Ron said before leaving the kitchen..upon leaving the kitchen he went upstairs to go to Hermione’s office...He knocked the door and opened it..to see a Hermione rapidly writing on a piece of parchment in focus 

“Love?” he asked gently 

Hermione looked up and stopped writing 

“Is everything okay??” She asked, her hair was in a messy bun and she looked exhausted 

“Yeah no - everything’s fine...it’s just 8:30 you haven't eaten all day...I made dinner ..” Ron said 

“Oh is it 8:30 already!? Blimey...Oh Ron I’m horrible I’m sorry that’s like the third night you’ve made dinner” 

“It’s fine Hermione I have more spare time....Everything alright? You look stressed.” 

“I dont deserve you,” Hermione said putting down her parchment and getting off her seat to hug Ron, “and everything’s fine, it’s just having to be in contact with the ministry and the muggle politicians as well over this whole ordeal is a lot.” 

“Nonsense, of course you do, and yeah I know-” Ron said squeezing her “come eat...get some more energy” 

Hermione kissed him and they went downstairs.

Hugo was already shoving food in his mouth and Hermione smiled “just like your father Hugh- oh Ron this looks delicious!” 

“Mum do you remember anything about ancient runes?” Rose asked as Ron and Hermione took their seats 

“Ummm I think a bit- why?” Hermione asked 

“It’s just they’re making us do readings and I did better having the explanations and then doing the readings so I found it hard to translate some things do you think you could help for like 5 minutes after dinner?” Rose asked 

“Yeah of course sweetie why didn't you just ask?” Hermione responded. 

“I didn’t want to bother you- with all your ministry stuff” Rose said 

“Oh Rose I’m sorry- I know this isnt easy for the both of you...but if I can help of course I will!” Hermione added 

“Thanks mum I love you- ugh, I just feel like I’m going to fail everything!” Rose said before forking a potato 

“Funny, your mum said that before her OWLs and what you get again?” Ron added looking at Hermione “Ten O’s and one E?” 

Rose looked worried, “An E in what!?!” 

Ron laughed...

“Yep just like your mother...Defence against the Dark arts...she got the same as me..” Ron teased 

Hermione rolled her eyes and Hugo laughed...

After dinner was finished Hermione helped Rose with Ancient Runes and came downstairs to see Ron doing the dishes...

“Oh Ron stop I’ll do them you’ve done so much” Hermione said swatting his hands away 

“It’s fine really” Ron said 

“No stop..go sit” 

“Hermione it’s” 

“Stop..Sit” 

Ron obliged, he knew better than to argue with Hermione 

“Rose figured out Runes?” Ron asked watching Hermione 

“Oh yes, she only needed like 30 seconds from me and then she got it...barely helped her” 

“Yeah she’s brilliant...figured she was being harsh on herself ...like someone I know” Ron added with a smirk. 

“Ho ho” Hermione said, putting away the last of the dishes...

“Oh I really hope they can go back soon...but based on my meetings it will be a while...May go into next year..we’re in the works in opening up things in stages..business’ are obviously the priority because so many people depend on them...”  Hermione sighed lying on the couch next to Ron 

“Yeah I’m aware-” Ron said, being a business owner himself...

“Looking at reopening shops with proper equipment so I think you'll be back quite soon....schools however it’s tougher...poor Hugh..in his first year. But you know... health first” Hermione said as Ron wrapped her in his arms 

“yeah well I mean we also missed one year of Hogwarts...guess it goes in generations...We lit the candle with a war...now a pandemic...maybe our grandkids will experience an alien invasion or something” Ron joked, trying to make light in a bad situation 

“I certainly hope not” Hermione cheeked back “But you are right..we didn’t really have a normal Hogwarts experience either did we? And we turned out okay” 

“I mean.....I don't know if okay is the world....you are slightly mad..but yeah exactly” Ron joked and Hermione hit his arm 

“Abusive woman” Ron joked 

“I’ll let that slide because you cooked dinner-all  jokes aside, you have been lovely Ron, I know you’re busy too with all the business meetings but you’ve been doing all this house stuff- I love you” Hermione said before kissing him, and Ron kissed her back and held the back of her head pushing her closer to him. Even after all these years he had never lost attraction for her and only felt himself falling more and more in love with her...her and the kids meant the world to him and he felt grateful everyday..even in the midst of a pandemic..having this home ...with Hermione ...and his kids...made him realize just how far he’d come in his life. 

“Mum have you seen my- oh God my eyes...” Hugo said as he was running downstairs 

Ron and Hermione pulled apart, Hermione pink in the face

“God....can’t unsee....” Hugo said, looking disgusted. 

“Seen what?” Hermione asked, still pink 

“That black Jumper of mine-” Hugo asked and then added “god ...gross...I can't wait to go back to Hogwarts” he mumbled 

“I put it in the wash” Hermione responded 

“But it was clean!” 

“Then don’t put it on the floor if it’s clean” Hermione responded, “if it’s on the floor it goes in the wash” 

“ugh....can you give it to me when its done mum” Hugo added 

“Why do you want it so bad anyways? Have somewhere to go?” Ron joked 

“I was going to play quidditch outside...I usually wear...” 

“Okay so you’ll get it when it’s clean...besides its too late for quidditch...” Hermione added and Hugo looked at his dad for approval...

“Let the boy play quidditch...” Ron reasoned with Hermione and she gave him a deathly stare 

“You’re playing quidditch by yourself in the dark?” Hermione asked...

“Yeah I’m making the bewitching the balls and saving them myself...It’s rubbish but better than nothing” Hugo said ...Ron was reminded of when he did the exact same thing while he was trying out for the quidditch team during fifth year 

“They only allowed you to use magic outside of Hogwarts  for school work in the circumstance Hugo..not to play quidditch” Hermione reminded him 

“How is that fair? It’s not my fault I’m not at Hogwarts....Dad....” Hugo said looking for his father to be the voice of reason 

“Hermione let the boy have fun” and Hermione gave him a death stare. 

“Fine go off! But do not go far....if I even find out you’re....” and Hugo ran off going up to his room to get his broom and ran outside

“You never let me discipline” Hermione scolded, 

“Let him be a kid Hermione....we never got that...besides would you rather him outside or walking in on us every two minutes?” Ron asked 

“Walking in?” Hermione asked 

“Mhmmm come....” Ron said dragging her upstairs

“Rose....” 

“Is in her room studying...and now Hugo’s outside...we have time...silencing charm for like fifteen minutes should be enough” 

“Ron I...” 

“Come on..relieve some stress...” Ron said and kissed her on the neck..he knew once he did that it was over...And unsurprisingly, Hermione, now mush in his hands, was obliging and following him...making the best of an unfortunate situation 

#romione #ron and hermione #harry potter #ron x hermione #rose and hugo #ron weasley #Hermione granger

[missbecky]

Okay, time for another long post about a cool weird thing that happened with my cards last night. I still don't know how I feel about deities, I don't know that I'll ever worship one, as that's just not me to worship. But I have felt as though there was an entity, goddess, force, something trying to reach me. Any time I've tried to glean information on who it was, I kept getting a door slammed in my face. I kept getting messages that I wasn't ready. And I was totally fine with that.

I'm unemployed right now, I'm a single mom, and I live with my disabled mother to help take care of her. With COVID-19, we don't take chances as my mom is in the high risk category. What that all means is that I've had way too much time on my hands. So I've been like a sponge, soaking up all the knowledge I can when it comes to witchcraft. Not being ready wasn't that big of a deal, because it just meant I got to do more research and keep putting off stuff I didn't really want to do.

Yesterday, I did my daily card draw, and the message was suddenly way different. Change has always been in the messages, but also the stopping in order to be ready for the changes. Yesterday morning I drew the the star, the chariot, and the hanged man reversed. I took that as a go for it.

Later that day I was prowling all the research servers, and the went to Google something about deities, and found an article/blog post someone had written about wishing people would stop using a very specific tarot spread for deity identification. Naturally, I decide to do that very spread. It was a five card spread, I wrote down what I wanted to know, and started shuffling. I shuffled for what felt like forever, and then when I laid the cards out, without thinking, I laid out 7. At first I was going to put the last two back, but decided to leave them. And the cards were all over the place. But I looked at it, and thought, "whoa, whoever this is, is not messing around.

So this is what I laid out.

Before I get into breaking down what these cards meant and how each one directly correlates to one specific deity, I want to point out where my head was at going into this.

I basically really actually got started with everything like 2 weeks ago. I'm basically still a newborn, right? Anyway, as soon as I start researching, I keep getting drawn to Deities. That's weird because I'm an agnostic and basically have no interest in higher powers. If they're there cool, if not cool. I have always believed that if there is some kind of being that could mold and shape the world, then my puny human brain can't comprehend them anyway, and it's really none of my concern. So, it's been really strange that this repeatedly keeps sticking out for me. I get the distinct impression that whatever energy is reaching out to me is female, a tie to the moon, the feeling of 3 was there, I knew it had to be associated with motherhood, and just a general overall feel of the empowerment of women. Naturally, I just kind of assumed Hecate, but that never actually felt correct to me.

So the 3 of cups being the first card just kind of reinforced the sense of 3 to me, and the whole sisterhood aspects of women empowering women. I wrote down 3, sisterhood, and good times. In the spread that was supposed to be 5 cards (and I did 7), the first card was supposed to sum up who the deity was.

I love my tarot deck for the strength card the most, I think. Strength is a mama bear. Again, this confirms my feeling of being tied to motherhood. The second card was supposed to represent the deities weakness. I wrote mama bear, power, and overly protective.

The third card was the chariot, and according to the spread this was their strength, their power. I wrote down action, strength, determination, will-power.

Then I get to the 4th card, the lovers. This is supposed to be what they rule. This one had me scratching my head. Now the author said this one will be harder to figure out, because the deities could even try to be snarky with this. I didn't even know what to do with this card, but like it made sense later. As I was going through each card individually, however, I came up with nothing, and in turn wrote nothing.

Card 5 was to be their symbol or association, and I had drawn 7 card. Anyway, I began analyzing the reversed hierophant, and the reversed 2 of cups. By that point I'm feeling personally attacked. And then the King of swords felt like a slap in the face. Words like logical, smart, level headed came up, which is honestly the person I've always prided myself on being. What was that person doing trying to contact a deity? I basically had to stop and ask myself wtf I was doing.

Like all shadow work, I decided to go browse the internet to distract myself from having to think about it too much. So I start googling triple Goddess and love, even though the lovers definitely didn't feel right, I'm like what the hell? Why not? Hecate and Diana come up, well that's not right. So I decide to take away the triple deciding I could just be way off base with the whole 3 thing. So I Google goddess of female empowerment and found a list of badass goddesses, and Artemis stuck out to me. But I'm like, no, that can't be right. This peace loving hippie couldn't possibly identify with the goddess of the hunt (which was the extent of my knowledge about Artemis). I then Google goddess of sisterhood, envisioning a woman running with a girl gang fucking shit up. What the fuck do you know, but that is Artemis.

After that Google search, I decide I clearly don't know enough about Artemis, and had recently downloaded some Greek mythology books, have never had the slightest interest in Greek mythology, but I saved them in my Google drive just in case. After finding out a bit about Artemis from Google, I turned to the digital books I had.

It was crazy how each of the cards began actually tying into the mythology of Artemis. She traveled with like a gang of nymphs, which I'm sure there was some sisterhood there. She helped her mother deliver her twin brother, and became like the patron God of childbirth. She defended babies and Young girls. She only ever wanted to belong to herself and so she requested everlasting virginity. From what I read she was very protective, straight up murdered rapists, and she was strong to a fault, which made sense why the strength card was listed as weakness. Apollo challenged her to hit a target way out in the ocean that she couldn't see, telling her she couldn't do it, she did it to prove she could and there was no better sharpshooter than her. The target was Orion, the only person she ever loved. So the reversed two of cards made sense. The reversed hierophant made sense because she was not traditional, she went against the grain. Her story is far from ordinary, even by mythological standards. She was a straight up badass that lived life on her terms and no one else's. There's nothing more rebellious than a woman with such control of her own life and destiny. And of course the chariot would be her strength identification, she was nothing but action oriented. The lovers could be interpreted several ways, but I take it as a woman who loves herself so fiercely she had no need for any other kind. But also when I think of love, I don't think of romantic love, I think of the bond i share with my daughter. She fiercely loved her brother, and maybe because she helped with his birth it connected her to him similar to that of a mother and child? That of course speculation. But the lovers card could also be a jab at her eternal virginity. And the King of swords sounded exactly like Artemis.

So I'm convinced this spread is talking about Artemis, but I can't shake the aspect of 3. Can't let that one go. Don't know why. So I'm looking through the l The Greek Myths by Robert Graves, and in it he speculated that Artemis was in fact a triad/triple Goddess!!!

Needless to say, I lost my fucking shit after reading that one. I was right in what I felt about what traits I felt the energy having, and the fucking spread related with every gd card.

Oh, and apparently Artemis chose to spend most of her time in the mountains. One of my favorite thing in all of the things is the mountains of Colorado, second only to my daughter, and I even identify as connected with earth elements the most because of my love for mountains. Makes me wonder how long Artemis has been trying to get my attention 😉

Anyway, I don't know what this all means to me personally yet. I've been ridiculously drained today, it's already 11 pm, and I only just now felt like I had enough energy and focus to write this out. So haven't had much time to sit with everything I experienced and felt last night.

However, it was very exciting! And I had to share my experience!

#witchcraft #witch community #tarot #witchblr #magick #Artemis #deity #deity work

[zhannabelle-eng]

How to prepare for the New Year and resist the coronavirus?

Challenge of Good from Zhannabelle: 5 steps that will change your life

2020 has been a challenging year for the entire world. But let's not let things get us down! A higher power gives us nothing we can't handle and survive. The important thing is that each of us can make the world a better place, and therefore we can make ourselves better too. This is what Zhannabelle's New Year's Challenge of Good is all about. Discover the 5 basic steps you need to take to become happy.

This year has brought a lot of unpleasant news and bad events. First of all, there's the new COVID-19 virus, which has already sickened millions of people. And some people are still waiting in fear to get sick. But should we be afraid so much? Spiritual mentor Zhannabelle recommends everyone to join the Challenge of Good consisting of 5 steps. Performing each step, you will make your life and the lives of your family and friends better, and you will be able to protect yourself from all illnesses. 

Step 1 – SAY THANK YOU

At this difficult time, many may say, ‘I have no one and nothing to be thankful for’. But think carefully before you say this. It has been a difficult year, but have you never had a single event for which you can say thank you? 

Let's proceed with the first step of the Challenge of Good. Take a blank sheet of paper, a pen and write down all the events for which you want to thank God or a family member, a friend, an acquaintance - it does not matter who. Most importantly, remember and write down all the good moments in your life during the year that are worthy to be thanked for.

Some of us may find it difficult to remember everything at once. If this is the case, ask Zhannabelle for a magical amulet. It will awaken your memories and focus on the most important things. After all, so many positive things have happened during this time, and some things are still forgotten! Hold the amulet in one hand and write your list with the other.

Keep this sheet of paper once you have written down all the events. Reread it on days when you feel bad and when you are in a difficult situation. It will give you strength and an opportunity to move on, to live and think only about good things, to believe in a better future and in yourself.

Step 2: BE JOYOUS

Joy is an invincible force. While despondency, sadness and denial can destroy everything, joy inspires and encourages everyone who comes into contact with it. Nowadays, people have protective masks on their faces and you can't tell if they're happy or sad. You should smile in any case! Know and believe that joy can heal any disease and help in difficult situations.

There is one monastery in the world, where almost all diseases can be cured, but on one condition: while you are there, you have to smile all the time. Otherwise, the monks will point out your fault and even punish you. The punishment is carrying heavy buckets of water up and down the hill. Having done this a couple of times, one decides that smiling is much easier and keeps smiling even when no one sees it.

The things is that smiling sends special impulses to the brain, which can even heal the body. Since not everyone can get into that monastery, we must try to awaken our joy on our own.

The easiest way is to stimulate joy with cheerful labels and smiley faces. These should be hung up around your house and/or in the workplace. You can draw a funny face and write: ‘Smile urgently!’ or "You're not naughty, you're a smiley’. Basically, let any little thing that makes you smile be in front of you all the time.

If fun stickers don't work, there is another way. It will fit more for home than office. Turn on your favourite music and dance without thinking about anything. Give yourself over to the dance like children do. You will feel the positive energy pulsating inside you after 2-3 minutes.

Zhannabelle has a special amulet for you in the form of brightly coloured feathers. Just looking at it will make you smile! There is a cheerful spirit inside of it that will energize you with positivity every day.

But if you still can't rejoice anything, then signing up for Zhannabelle’s retreat and doing a ritual there is the only way out. You need to do this, because without the feeling of joy you cannot move on to the next step of our Challenge of Good.

Step 3. BE FRIENDLY 

You now have gratitude and joy. These feelings can be multiplied by sharing them with others through friendliness. But it is important for you to do it from your heart. Think about it: which person's picture you have in front of your eyes right now or who you are constantly thinking about without keeping in touch with this person? Maybe you have dreamt about that person more than once for no reason. Often it is because they need your help or support. Call, text, or meet this person! Even if you haven't communicated for a long time or had a grudge against this person, it's all in the past.

A friendly chat with an old friend would bring you joy and excitement. Send her the link to the article about group classes at Zhannabelle's online school. Let her read it and decide to give it a try, too. Maybe she needs individual consultation, then tell her how to make an appointment. Provide help, be a guide for someone to the world of opportunity, and new resources will open up for you.

Be a friend to people, don't give up on them in difficult situations, and inspire them. Then goodness will return to you. If it is difficult, amulets with assistant spirits will always help you. Put this amulet to your heart - and it will immediately help you be friendly towards others.

Step 4. Be Generous

Generosity isn't only material, although it's also important. For example, sharing money, clothes, and food with those in need. However, the most significant is generosity of your heart and soul. You can not measure it, but it is always immense. You can show it by sharing your joy and giving a good mood to others. But the highest degree is to share knowledge with people. It's especially important to pass on sacred wisdom.

Share information about seminars at Zhannabelle's online school, invite them to join mentor's YouTube channel, where every woman is sure to find a useful and relevant video for herself. You already have this knowledge, so share it, be generous!

Step 5: START BELIEVING

Faith should never leave you: believe in the future, in the best, in yourself. It's the feeling that allows you to move forward. Without it, you can't live life to the fullest.

Write down on a sheet of paper everything you want for your family and yourself. Next to it, write down the things you wish for the world. If you want to have a good life, you should write your wishes on a piece of paper with a huge faith at heart that everything will happen the way you want it. You are recommended to read your wishes to the music of transformation. 

Faith of each of us is very strong, anything is within our power! Faith can heal the whole world and every person. Pray not only for yourself and your family, but also for our planet.

Communal prayer has often saved cities and countries from enemies. It will also help against the common enemy of humans, the coronavirus. Write Zhannabelle via her website where you live, and we will tell you how to contact the women of Power in your city. You can't imagine how many of us there are all over the world! Women unite in prayer for the future of the whole earth. You join us too.

Dear ladies, together we have taken 5 steps towards a new year, a new world. Share this knowledge with your family and friends; send them the link to this article. Invite new people to our seminars, and you will be lucky, prosperous, healthy, you will love and you will be loved. 

Mariika (Budapest)

‘I have been studying at Zhannabelle's online school for a long time. I attend group classes and seminars. It helps me a lot in life: I got rid of fear of communication with strangers, overcame the fear of saying something wrong, as a consequence I met a good man and we are dating. But recently I started dreaming about an old acquaintance with whom we had quarrelled a long time ago. It's funny to say: once, 10 years ago, I considered something she did a betrayal, because she told my parents that I was going on dates instead of going to classes. It seems so silly now, but then it was a tragedy and a dirty trick from Elzbieta, whom I considered my best friend.

When I made an appointment for individual counselling with Zhannabelle, I asked her why I was dreaming about my friend almost every night and what it could mean. She explained that Elzbieta probably needed my help and recommended me to call her. I didn't really want to reconnect with someone with whom I had lost contact long ago. But, following Zhannabelle's advice, I called her.

Elzbieta was pleased to hear my voice. After a couple of minutes of conversation, she admitted that she had been waiting for my call, she was afraid to call, afraid that I would slam the phone on her. It turned out that a couple of months ago she had been diagnosed with breast cancer and the recovery from a course of chemotherapy was very difficult for her. My former friend had no one to have a good talk with. She remembered our friendship, we trusted all our secrets to each other, and no one but me had ever supported her like that. Elzbieta missed me very much and constantly regretted the mistake we had made at a young age, which had caused us to stop communicating. After talking to her, I knew that I had to act immediately and I made an appointment for her for a consultation with the mentor.

After a month of continuous study at the online school, my friend had a sustained remission. She could even keep her breasts, and now she feels great! This is all thanks to Zhannabelle. I showed my concern by doing my part to save Elzbieta, for which I gained a firm friendship.

#zhannabelle #spirituality #new year #christmas #holiday #challenge #coaching

[defiantbird]

Rambling about self-improvement and whatnot. I’m making an effort to take in some more cerebral content and practices just to challenge my brain into not getting too comfortable and turning to mush (I highly recommend Philosophy Tube).

I came up with my New Years resolution on New Years Eve, because my life was at a standstill and I didn’t know where I was going. The resolution was to submit any of my writing to a publication. Then I got a new job and Covid happened simultaneously, and I’ve had to do a bit more focusing on myself to stay sane.

I have some goals for self improvement I’m trying to work out. It’s one of those things where I thought I’d had enough self improvement to last me for a bit, but there’s always more, and I’ve found new things to work on.

One thing I started when Quarantine began was a real, concentrated effort to stop “checking” on someone who hurt me. I have made this effort before unsuccessfully, but I think I’m at a point where I can finally ignore that little shadow-self in my head that presses on my anxiety telling me I have to be aware of everything at all times, so I will be on guard the next time someone tries to fuck with my life like that.

That leads into lessening the anger on the matter, which is a big help. In conquering past hurts previously, it’s clear that reaching a place of apathy on such a person is the way I truly come to peace with things. This is not something I can forgive, ever. But not wanting to forgive doesn’t mean I then have to stay angry about it 24/7. I have only ever really let go of things like this when I’ve realized I don’t care what the person does one way or the other.

“Who cares?” is still the mantra I’m trying to use here, and it’s getting easier and easier to use it. As a sensitive person, it’s difficult to recognize that it’s not your fault when someone who doesn’t even know you criticizes you and then just treats you like you literally don’t exist.

There are things I know quite well, logically. Other people have confirmed it for me without me leading them to it--professionals and friends alike. But I think I’m approaching a place where I can really truly understand that the way she behaved toward me had nothing to do with me and everything to do with her being a deeply unhappy narcissist, whose bravado and willingness to hurt others for her own gain comes entirely from her vicious self-hatred and sense of being unlovable. And wherever that makes her life go, good or bad, I don’t care.

I don’t want an apology--it would mean nothing anyway. Revenge has always been attractive to me, but I’ve also always been too good of a person to act on it, and the more mature part of me knows that it would do just as little for me as an apology would. At the same time, I need to strike a balance between this and the understanding of what past therapists have told me, which is that sometimes it will still hurt and I will still get angry, and that’s normal and ok.

I want to challenge myself again. I want to force myself to write when I don’t feel like it, and to practice singing more. I want to continue studying tarot until I can confidently do readings. 

There are things I’ve realized recently about how I feel about certain parts of myself. I have always casually talked about myself like I’m an idiot, but I’ve only recently noticed where that comes from, and how long I’ve been feeling that way. I hold myself to some vague, impossible standard that I can never meet because I don’t even know what it is, I just know I HAVE to get there. But it’s a trap in the same way that thinking distrust will protect you from betrayal is a trap. If you hold yourself to a standard that is literally impossible to reach, you will spend your whole life being miserable because no matter how hard you try, you can’t attain it.

I don’t have to know everything or be good at everything. I don’t have to be perfect at the things I’m good at. I need follow for myself the advice I give to my friends in terms of self-compassion and taking breaks. It’s hard. I have always been an intense person, and I always will be, and so I’ve always been in the habit of throwing myself at things so hard and then getting angry with myself when I don’t master it or fix it quickly. And I’ve long felt like compassion for yourself is a weakness and an excuse to be lazy (again, a standard I only hold myself to). 

I want to continue cultivating the ability to not care about people who have no place in my life. 

I want to continue having the confidence to know when something is not my fault, while maintaining the self-awareness to know when it is my fault.

I want to be able to analyze things and talk about them at length. I want to feel like I can talk to people without feeling like my thoughts are too mushy to convey what I’m thinking.

I want to put my energy into things I enjoy, and learning new things that make me feel accomplished. The only thing I can control is myself, and that’s a gift. Working to be the best me is the greatest thing I can do for a good life.

In my view, the best me is kind, generous, brave, strong, confident, creative, communicative, helpful, and endlessly curious. So that’s who I’m gonna try to be...with the understanding that I’m human, and that I won’t always be the best me. But making the effort and sticking to it and returning to it over and over again is what matters.

#personal #rambling #on self improvement and personal growth

[jdmainman123]

So here's what happened Miami Florida you ready for it they brought me to this field 3/4 site where a guy says listen I'm going to fill my City full of black skin boys and girls without money and eat good forever and then we called it food poisoning

To talk to me 24/7 about the beach and here's here's the only way they can do it with the white skin boys saint names OH YEAH I WENT THROUGH THE NAMES OF THE SURVIVORS WHICH ONES WE CAN KEEP then you're not going to like it not let me put it this way to your son was killed and your daughter was killed the names I COULD HAVE DONE A BETTER JOB NAMING THE KIDS MYSELF

So 24/7 now I'm forced to walk watch this f****** dead n***** daughter drive by in the car and yell s*** about a beach and all these f****** men continue to talk about the beach for one reason they have another one white skin boy's name on another white skin boy's name

AND AND THE PROBLEM IS THEY'RE USING MY INTEGRATION OF MY MY OWN CITY OF THE ENERGY OF HOW BEAUTIFUL MY CITY IS THE MONEY WE PUT INTO IT and the whole time we're talking they're saying the beach is the best place to live the problem is with the 3/4 Chicago and you're you're supposed to be the one that led the charge on the covid-19 incident after incident on satellite cities IS YOUR SATELLITE IN THESE F****** N****** CALLED THE BEACH WAS THE BEST PLACE TO LIVE VERSUS LANDLOCK YOUR SATELLITE CONTINUES TO FORCE STATEMENTS DOWN MY MY BRAIN FORCE DIFFERENT BELIEFS DOWN MY BRAIN that you're a dead n***** daughter family that you're a white trash dead family believes in but we the people do not see reason do not see right

You know it's like you guys trying to convince me you guys trying to move me AND AGAIN THAT WE CAN'T HELP NOTICE YOUR SATELLITE HAS CALLED A LOT OF THINGS THAT I NEVER CALLED AND WHEN I WHEN I LISTENED TO THEM I SAID YEAH IT'S PRETTY GOOD BUT I'M NOT GOING TO SIT THERE AND WRITE IT ON MY F****** WALL AND EVERY DAY I WAKE UP LOOK AT IT

Yeah because I could write better I know better

So the problem is they keep on talking about the beach again YOU KNOW IN IN FOR THE LIFE OF ME THAT N***** WAS ANGRY BECAUSE I HAD TO POOL AND A FISH LAKE

But before you guys to continue to tell me the beaches the best place to live no you guys are not getting all on my pretty beats and dirtied up with snack wrappers and f****** little white skin boys bodies everywhere GET THE F*** OFF MY BEATS WHY DON'T YOU GUYS TALK ABOUT ORLANDO WHY DON'T YOU GUYS TALK ABOUT TAMPA IT'S THE SAME F****** STATE

This f****** n***** f****** family and the beach and the white skin boys saint names AND I'M HERE FOR THE FIRST TIME WITH THIS DEAD F****** N***** DOING BEING ABLE TO DO A FAVOR FOR HIS WHITE HAIR WHITE SKIN FATHER it's just it's just a gay joke gone real bad like a gay statement gone real bad

SO ONCE AGAIN 24/7 I CALLED THEM OUT ON DONALD TRUMP TAPE I DON'T THINK WE'LL HAVE ANY PROBLEMS THERE UNTIL THE WHITE BOYS SHOW UP AND THAT AND THAT'LL BE TO MY BENEFIT but this f****** family talking about the beach in the white skin boys saint names YOU SOUND LIKE CONTINUES TO LIE AND FORCE BELIEFS NOW LISTEN IF IT WASN'T FOR GOD WE WOULDN'T BE HERE FOR SOME IMAGINARY F****** F*** FACE FAIRY NAME GOD WE WOULDN'T BE HERE

And in the in the satellite is rewriting and forcing me to be dumber and listen to stupider statements made by your f****** retarded kids in 3/4

And again to keep on talking about the beach 24/7 what the f*** is wrong with you people you know I mean after it's all said and done to bring me here for the word daughter and to just watch me poop on sidewalks YOU KNOW I THOUGHT YOU KIDS I THOUGHT YOU PEOPLE WOULD BE WORTH MORE TURNS OUT ALL YOU GUYS WANT TO DO IS OPEN A FACILITY TO HURT LITTLE BLACK SKIN BOYS AND LITTLE WHITE SKIN BOYS AND AGAIN THE STATEMENT AND THE ANTIDOTE WAS MAKING AN ENTIRE CITY FULL OF GIRLS AND NO BOYS YOU NEEDED THESE BOYS TO HURT because your daughter's a coward and she wants to see another boy hurt that's that's why she's dead

But the antidote was simple build a city full of girls and no boys that you needed boys is an understatement to this attack on boys NO IT WAS BEFORE WHEN THE BOY RUINED YOUR LIFE AND YOU DIDN'T NEED THE BOY YOU PEOPLE NEEDED THE BOYS MORE THAN THIS F****** DEAD WHITE TRASH DAUGHTER IS WHAT I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU

And you know the better son socialism is is has a lot of black skin cock all around it in a girl broken bone and raped in a corner in a pile

No for the last 90 days they've been challenging me for a beach and then you're not telling me landlocked is safer for the people than to listen to a beach full of black people say where the best satellite makers in the world because of the sunlight you see that sunlight where the best satellite makers in the world nothing worse than listening to black skin men who killed their first daughters all brag about how they're better men you know I mean it's like then forcing me here to talk about number two black hair whites on walking around looking for a gold son's dick to stick in his mouth

If only these blacks can people didn't need an entire other white hair white skin men to pull this off

I think it's that dead n***** daughter why they're talking about the beach so much the problem is that continue to talk about the beach and tell me it's a better better place to live to tell me all these people want to go there and in the problem is they're coviding my block will not my block this piece of s*** f****** hole in the ground water in it they resembled my Beach. The problem is they're pulling a picture for my block at 24/7 saying the block or the man are saying I'm dictate what happens here that's not true it's an accident where he sits is the man the Black skin Man in landlocked most likely desert City Las Vegas he would be the accident where he sits

I'm just put it out there you know I mean if you guys go to the beach and you listen to the number two it's an accident where he sat YOU KNOW DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU THAT'S ALL I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU WHEN WE'RE TALKING ABOUT POWER AND SOME F****** N***** FROM DESERT CITY TELLS THIS N***** ON THE BEACH WHAT TO DO AND BOTH OF THEM ARE LOOKING FOR A WHITE HAIR WHITE SKIN MAN'S DICK IN THEIR MOUTH FROM SNOW

It's just a f****** satellite forcing these f****** beliefs down my f****** brain and the problem is I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for this f****** City the murders that have been Jason every single one of these people knows Jason so f****** nightmare you people

[reeny-chan]

Being Needed/Being Wanted

“I need you.”

It’s a phrase many of us hear. Sometimes, it’s to tell someone that the speaker feels they need the person’s help, their knowledge, or even just their presence. Other times, it’s used in place of, or interchangeably with, the phrase “I love you.” In both cases, though, it’s to imply that the speaker’s situation will be somehow “less” if the person to whom they’re speaking isn’t present. But is being needed what we really want?

“I need you” is a phrase I hear often. That’s to be expected; I have four human beings and three animals who depend on me for their lives. The words aren’t always said, but they are always expressed, in one way or another, when I provide their needs for food, shelter, healthcare, a ride to a friend’s house, and so forth. As a young person, I used to believe that being “needed” was the pinnacle of existence. If someone relied on me for survival, I was fulfilling the purpose God had intended for me. Of course, I was brought up in a twisted form of Catholic Christianity where martyrdom was expected and the response to hardship was always, “Your reward will be in Heaven.”

I have had decades to reflect on this. Decades of taking a long hard look at myself, at the “truths” with which I was indoctrinated from birth. In that time, I married, I adopted children, and I came to terms with the fact that I was not in fact a heterosexual man as they told me I was but rather a queer woman who doesn’t really fit neatly into the categories created to describe people like us. And yet, in all that time, being “needed” was still what I saw as the pinnacle of existence.

That has changed over this past year. As with so many people, the COVID-19 pandemic and the sudden isolation it brought has forced me to look inward, because there was literally nowhere else available to look. It made me ask questions I had never thought to ask before. One of the themes of the pandemic, for people like myself who were fortunate to not have to scramble for survival as jobs vanished despite the wealthy becoming even wealthier, was this:

“What do you want?”

The purpose behind this question seems straightforward. After all, you now have all this free time that you used to spend going out with family or friends, shopping for groceries, or doing any of the other things we could no longer do for fear of catching a deadly disease. What do you want to do? Do you want to learn another language? Build a ship in a bottle? Do you want to write a novel? Learn how to create art that you can then sell as an NFT?

Personally, I wanted to get through a day without my children trying to kill each other. I wanted to get through a day without my wife, already in ill health, falling and hurting herself or experiencing another kind of medical emergency. I wanted to keep my job, and therefore keep my family’s health insurance, my family’s home, and my ability to provide them with food and clothing.

Perhaps it was my natal Catholic martyr complex, but do you notice what all my wants have in common? Yes, they all involve fulfilling the needs of those who rely upon me. I realized this as well, months into the pandemic, as my patience and my self-love began to run dry. I realized I needed to come up with at least one “want” that was mine, purely mine, and not tied to what I could do for other people.

It made me explore what “wanting” really is. As I explored, I came to the conclusion that “want” is an emotional, irrational longing that you can’t always control. That is in contrast to “needing” which at its core is a survival instinct. It’s the lizard brain, focusing on what must be done and/or obtained to continue living. Now, in our society it has evolved into the “need” for tools, events, etc. that allow one to “get the job done”, which is itself another layer of survival. For example, I “need” a computer to do my day job, which I in turn need to earn a paycheck, which pays for the food and the clothing and the shelter I and my family must have to survive.

“Wanting” isn’t that. It’s the desire for something that you can live without. It might enrich your life or it may not, but we anticipate the object of our want, if we were to take possession of it, would in some way make us “feel good”. In that way, “wanting” may be a much more human, much more honest feeling. We want not necessarily for survival, but for the potential of the good feeling we may get from the having.

That led me to think of a “want” that I remembered from several times during my life. That specific want is what we call a “crush”. A desire to have the subject of your crush in your life, in one form or another. I’ve had a fair few crushes in my lifetime. Some were unrequited, some were short-lived, and others I still have to this day. But in all cases, at one point or another, each one of them knew I had a crush on them, that I “wanted” them.

As that realization hit me, I began to wonder: what is it like to be “wanted”? 

What does it mean to be wanted?

Now, I know most of you reading this will equate “wanting” a person to desiring them sexually. While that can be a part of “wanting” someone, I am referring to a general want that just having that person with you, in some way, fulfills a desire. Sexual desire is almost a completely different subject, which contains various tenuous and even taboo subtexts that I’m far from qualified to discuss. For the purpose of this post, “wanting” someone has, if any, only a passing relation to sexual desire.

I grew up being part of several different friend groups at different times (despite my significant unpopularity with my peers as a child). Reflecting back on each of those groups, and my presence within them, I have to wonder if my presence within them made a difference. Would they have been the same without me? My low self-esteem tells me an emphatic “YES!”, but I also can’t help but ask the question: Was I even wanted in these groups? Was there any quality of me that the others in these groups wanted to keep around? Was I actually wanted?

Am I wanted even today?

What qualities would make me wanted? Fun? Pleasant to be around? Do I look nice? Smell nice? Or, in a more general sense, would the people around me have anything to do with me if they didn’t have to?

And that is where the difference comes in. As a parent, as the breadwinner, I know I’m needed. But am I wanted? Filial and financial needs notwithstanding, do I provide any value just by being there?

Now, I know the typical answer would be an immediate, “Of course you would!” But, and this is due to my own character flaws I’m certain, I don’t feel wanted. I don’t feel like I have any qualities that could drive that illogical desire to have me around, that my being around could potentially enrich the lives of others.

I know I’m not the only person who feels this way. There’s a billion-dollar mental health industry built around people like me. People who work their asses off for people who need them, people who may make a point of telling them that they are needed. But do these people hear often enough that they are “wanted”?

This is something I think we as a society need to further explore, and that we need to normalize. We need to normalize letting people know that they are “wanted”, in addition to being “needed”.

Being wanted vs. being needed

When you boil these concepts down to their bare essentials, what you come up with is:

Being wanted = Someone believing you will make them feel good

Bring needed = Your value is in what you can do for someone

As someone who knows she is needed, it grows tiring to hear that. I makes me feel as if my value is solely derived from what I can do for, or give to, other people. What I need to hear, what I want to hear, is that I am wanted. That just by nature of my existence, I can make someone feel good, even if that feeling is fleeting. That I don’t have to expend more of my limited energy and time to make myself worthwhile to someone. That I am more than the sum total of my knowledge, my experiences, my skills, and my luck.

I want someone to tell me that I am wanted.

[theliterateape]

Four Words That Will Change Your Life (and the Internet)

by Don Hall

"If you’re not a liberal when you’re 25, you have no heart. If you’re not a conservative by the time you’re 35, you have no brain."

Churchill did not say this. Attributed to him but completely inconsistent with his own political journey (Conservative at 15 and Liberal at 35) the quote joins a rather long list of quotes he was supposed to have said, but didn't.

To quote the Mandalorian, "This is the way."

As is often the case, who said it is less relevant that what was said. I mean, somebody said it even if they just made it up to falsely attribute to Churchill, right? That somebody had a point and the point is that people change their ideologies with experience. That is true no matter if it were Churchill or the batshit crazy cat lady on the street corner with the tinfoil hat and the shoes made of stuffed animals.

Experience forces perspective. If one is open to that perspective change, this new information allows the ideology to shift one way or the other.

A friend recently told me he thought I had gained a modicum of wisdom in my advancing age. He then stopped and corrected himself "Maybe it's not wisdom but age plus exhaustion. You aren't wiser so much as you are too tired to be the dumbass of your youth." There is some truth to the assessment. I am too tired to fight the same meaningless fights as I was so thirsty for in my younger days. Some of them are no longer relevant; most are just dull in repetition. 

I find myself get ginned up about some thing in the news or online. I start to write about the bigotry of Critical Race Theory or the pernicious grip Trump has on the bizarre amalgam of GOP legislators. I get bored or tired or filled with a sense of futility so I write about something I watched on Netflix or pop out 3,000 words in my draft of the book on working at the casino. The angry piece gets sidelined and I move on to something else.

I've always been a fairly angry guy but anger (usually a response to some other less proactive emotional state like fear or despair) takes a fuck-ton of energy and with age goes the energy. 

Oh, boo-fucking-hoo! When the life expectancy of the human body used to be around thirty years, you made it to fifty-five without too many dents in your fender and now you're bitching about needing more naps?

Not complaining. Just acknowledging the inevitable loss of steam to fuel the pissed-off. The other noticeable difference is that I can see clearly how my mind has been changed on so many things since I was young, dumb, and fulla cum. 

At a time of such stridency and polarization (and let's be honest here, it's almost always been like this—we just have social media to stick it in our faces at nearly every waking hour and we're all fucking addicted to our devices like truck drivers and five-dollar whores) being able to both change your mind but also admit it and move on is quite the sign of either wisdom or age+exhaustion.

Back when I was a giant fatass, if you asked me about hitting the gym, my reaction would be the derision of a true believer in delusional fitness. I was strong(ish) but horribly out of shape and strolling leisurely down the path of late-stage diabetes and heart failure at the ripe age of forty-five.

Out of nothing but vanity, I started working out regularly. I lost eighty pounds (the equivalent of four and a half bowling balls strapped to my frame) and found a sense of Zen that my otherwise lazy rage-boner could drill.

Today, while not one of those wheat-grass drinking, Instagram humping fitness cultists, I think that a bit of exercise could do everyone some good. My mantra is simple: any exercise is better than no exercise. If all you can manage is a single pathetic push-up, do it. One push-up is better than no push-ups.

In terms of a massive change of mind, this single shift is significant in that it has been life-changing. Despite my smoking (years sucking on cigarettes and now more years on pipes) and my waning tolerance for too much alcohol (a coupla beers and a shot pretty much does me in these days) I'd wager I've added at least a few years toward the finish line. 

The change Churchill decidedly did not make note of (but note was made, that can be certain) is a sign of evolution. Not growing gills or something bizarrely nineties as all that but a personal evolving from a stupid twenty year old to a slightly less stupid fifty-five year old. In the grand scheme of things, less stupid may be a low bar to clear but it's at least a goal.

In the 1990's, as with all twenty-two year olds, I thought I had it all under control. I knew the world, saw its hypocrisies, and fully believed I was as put together and confident as a frat boy with a roofie and a Scooby Doo van. I easily dismissed anyone over the age of thirty as a sell-out, anyone past forty as societally obsolete, and couldn't believe that anyone past fifty wasn't walking around asking people who shit their pants.

And, like twenty-two year olds of every decade in every generation, I was a self righteous cunt about it.

In terms of evolving, in experience changing my mind about fundamentals, it took some trudging through certain trenches and seeing the world from multiple angles to shift perspective.

“Do what you love. The money will follow.”

Bullshit. As a younger man I loved this mythological smegma on my chest but it simply isn’t true. The more correct version is “Do what you love because you will lie on your deathbed one day and if you spent your one life doing what you despise so you could buy shit, you’re a fucking moron.”

This epiphany came to me after years of experience because that's how these things go. 

The ability to change one's mind does not come from other people telling you what to do. Sure, instructions are helpful but being told what to believe is almost always a non-starter. This has been true for all time as far as I can tell. 

Two things are at play in today’s marketplace of ideas: the ability to change one’s mind and the desire to demand fealty to competing sets of beliefs. Most people have the skill to take in new information, reflect upon it, and shift perspective. Few are willing to shift perspective taking orders from others.

In the grand scheme of things, less stupid may be a low bar to clear but it's at least a goal.

When Vegas was in the early stages of COVID shutdown, I genuinely believed it was overblown and Chicken Little hysteria. “It’s just like the flu!” I recall saying to guests on the casino floor. I made jokes about licking machines and drinking Purell. Then the information started rolling out as scientists began to truly understand the gravity of the situation.

I changed my mind. I began to take it seriously. I did the reading and paid attention. 

“You said it was just like the flu a week ago!”

“I did. I was wrong.”

Those three words cannot be forced. They cannot be scolded into existence. They cannot be demanded. “What if you’re wrong?” is far less powerful than “What if I’m wrong?”

That’s really the essence of the thing. If more of us asked ourselves that question perhaps the marvel of digital communication would be less populated by wannabe neighborhood watch types vomiting out their putrid opinions on how everyone else is wrong. Maybe—just maybe—we could relax a bit and reflect on our own perspective shifts and engage in society with more grace than an angry, underserved nun with a hard-on for punishing those around her.

When I was in my twenties, I was terrified of homosexuality, I voted for Ronald Reagan, I drank until I blacked out and got into bar fights, I treated sex like it was a prize to win through manipulation. No one shamed me for these ideas. At some point, with experience and at least an ounce or two of self-reflective ability, I asked myself if I was wrong. I was wrong so I changed my mind and thus my behavior.

The goal is to become a better human before your clogged heart shuts down or a bus casually caves in your rib cage. The goal is not to focus on the guy in the Walmart parking lot screaming about the government making him wear a surgical mask to buy cheap macaroni and powdered cheese or the woman pushing the white fragility book on you. The goal is to become better at this life before it ceases to be.

To become better, ask yourself “What if I’m wrong?”

[winterune]

While I know this is just an app that is probably based on astrology, it has some interesting, weirdly accurate insights, so what's the harm in checking it out? It's not like I'll be basing all of my choices on it. Anyway...

It's just a matter of perspective. A few weeks ago when I first read this, I honestly didn't know what the heck it was talking about. Letting go of my past? Radical changes? Well, I do know it's probably about two things in my life right now: getting back into med school and continuing writing. A dilemma I've had for probably over a year since I finished my internship. But then covid struck and, having no choice but to stay at home, all I did was write.

It's a matter of perspective, and my perspective now is telling me that this "individial and unique self", "feeling alive and activated", and "wave of optimism and confidence" may be about my writing. After getting over my slump and burnout, and finding my own writing pace without being influenced by external forces, I've been on a writing streak for the last couple months. Sure I still find myself blocked now and then but I've learned to manage it. Writing is currently giving me so much energy that I'm even thinking of applying to more zines when I'm already working on two. The fear I'd felt last year was gone and in it's place are these boundless enthuasism and ideas.

On the other hand however, I am also pressured to finally enter residency after putting it on hold for a year, indirectly from family and peers (and probably from some part of myself too, because a rational part of me does ask: would you really waste your hard, mentally- and physically-exhausting 7 years of medical school and intership to go off on some journey you don't know if you'd succeed??). So it does begs the question: does "letting go of the past" mean I should let go of my writing to focus on my residency, or I should focus on my writing while letting go of my residency? I know the latter is not an option for me. I would need to focus on my residency in the end.

But medical school has been the primary source of my anxiety for the past 7 years. I never felt like I belong there, never felt quite fit in with my peers. I felt like the way I think was different, that I always made mistakes one way or another. I kept walking on egg shells and I never could find the confidence other people told me that I should. Where I always ran away whenever I had a problem, I never did so when I am writing. Writing energizes me, it stimulates my brain, it makes me happy. Sure it frustates me and stresses me out, but I always stay, and I persevere, trying to find ways and learn how to cope. It does make me wonder if this is all just a pipe dream and that I'm running away again, that I'm only indulging myself when I should be focusing my energy on other things. Like a friend noted a while back: is it worth it? Is it worth spending all your time and energy and passion on projects that may not bring you any income? She had a point.

But reading this, it does make me think that maybe it's okay for me to continue writing. That I'll be able to find many more opportunities if I stick to this path. That maybe, this "setback", if compared to my friends (who've gotten jobs and some have even entered residency), is actually my path and that it's alright to follow it instead of conforming to others.

Maybe, by accepting this part of me, I can even find the best of the both worlds. (In fact, that's what the people closest to me have been telling me, though I do know how much my mom wants me to continue as a doctor)

#my wall of thoughts #med life #letting go of residency is only a wishful thinking #and i don't want to disappoint my family

[bisongrass]

Sept. 13, 2020

It has been a very long time since my last entry. The newness of the pandemic fell away, so that the details were no longer interesting to me or anybody; my sense is that we collectively wearied. No one wanted to think about it or read about it. Instead, we tried to make a life in between these new adjustments. I was left with the ache of an absence, which is much harder to describe. Plus the monotony of things, I suppose, which is not interesting to describe. 

I stopped writing as well due to a feeling of wanting to get away from my own thoughts as much as possible, since my apartment became, at a certain point, a horrible hall of mirrors -- or maybe that was my brain more than my apartment, although in some senses the two share a certain quality -- are analogous in some regard. My apartment is another sort of fevered skull in which these thoughts multiply, or something. In any case, in the acrid, melting heat of full summer, there was a predictable disintegration of my mental processes, where I was driven back to my worst and most basic warped beliefs, sent into self-tormenting thought spirals from which no escape seemed possible -- I do have a mind that fixates easily on things, which is great when the fixation is making a news story better, but not very good when my mind is held as the object of its own attention. 

I was also, finally, driven into the throes of deep grief that seemed to be an accounting of every sad thing that had happened in my life up to that point. It felt like a kind of possession. I developed an ache in my back that couldn’t be explained, and it would get worse in tandem with the stress. I thought of some distant cousin who I spoke to decades ago at a wedding. She developed at a point in her life a chronic pain condition that would not go away. She started using painkillers and became addicted, which profoundly disturbed her since she had two children whose lives she felt she was missing out on. What cured her finally was going to a past-life regression therapist -- this from a woman who was your basic staunch North Toronto WASP. The therapist told her she had been a French peasant girl who was flogged to death or something, and this explanation gave my cousin great relief. The pain eventually subsided. Of course, what allowed this to happen was that she chose to believe it. I am glad that the experience helped her unburden herself of a sense of responsibility for her own pain, but I could never believe such a thing, although now I have a new understanding of how tempting such beliefs are. In my own case, I suppose, there is a similar sort of faith required, since some of my own pain, or my own shortfalls, are not easily explained. So, using psychoanalytic theories of child development, I’ve sort of cobbled together an idea of what went wrong during my childhood, but in truth there is no way to verify this. There’s no one who could or would corroborate it, even if they witnessed it. But I feel certain things must be true. And so that’s my necessary article of faith. 

Anyway, when you’re in this kind of grief, you feel a bit like a ghost of yourself. Certain days, I forced myself to socialize, though I felt alternately hollow, withdrawn, anxious, sad. I couldn’t speak what was on my mind, because it was impossibly arcane and relied on an enormous private matrix of associations, and also because of the threat of bursting out sobbing during the normal course of socializing. (Do people “burst out sobbing”?)

On top of this was the inescapable neverending hum of anxiety about whether I was carrying and spreading COVID. At one point I did get tested because I had a scratchy throat and I needed to visit the chiropractor, and lying on her table requires me to stuff my snoot in a little valley between two padded cushions. Getting the negative test results back translated into about 48 hours of (metaphorically) high-fiving peace, at the cost of feeling like I had had barbed wire threaded through my sinuses for five seconds. I mean, they basically touch the bottom of your eyeball and then they sort of twizzle the swab around, collecting whatever they collect in that nerve-ridden northwest passage. It was hideous, and my one eye cried for about two minutes, but it was also worth it to dampen down the hum. Which is, of course, back now. 

There is a quality to the worst days that is like a nightmare in that there’s an almost acausal feeling of dread and fear that permeates all the action -- but it’s not that it is actually acausal, it’s that the causes are so omnipresent and atomized and background. And I’m not just talking about COVID, but every global problem that churns and grinds and looms and destroys while we sit trapped in the firehose of information, more passively witnessing, it feels, than ever before. Or maybe that’s just me -- I’m becoming increasingly aware of my tendency to passivity.

To deal with anxiety, I started doing longer and longer bike rides. Most times, there is some alleviation of stress, I think because I drain the adrenaline out, or burn it off, or evaporate it, or whatever happens to it with exercise. But there is no goal in sight beyond the day’s goal, nothing to work towards, and I feel this extends to my... whole... life. I am so tired of having no plans. The feeling of having no purpose is my most recent difficulty. I need projects, but I have insufficient energy or motivation to initiate them. But I guess I can’t just let that be how it goes -- I can’t allow myself to succumb to this passivity. I see people doing their art or perfecting their cooking or whatever and I’m just hornswoggled, or boondoggled, or something. Maybe I mean gobsmacked. They have a sense that there is an audience, it seems. I feel it less and less.