#i was going to sad rant about mental illness but then i spaced in the 2 point 2 seconds it took me to move sitting locations and now i don't | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kurnutus86 · 23 days

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diary / rant / april is the retrogradest month

Maybe it's just april being the motherfucker it is, but I've been in a lousy mood. Really lousy mood. And I ponder why it's just so tough to find any comfort for it. i guess what i find difficult about internet communities as such is that they often transform the object of the community into something that is worshipped, where the individual is lost for the group; and that's where mental illnesses are especially hazardous. I think recovery from mental illness demands a sort of individualized relation to it, where the object is not your illness, but you as a person. And what communities do, is create this very nebulous emotional space, where other people are not important, where you are not important, but what is being done, what is being shared, and all the risk that rises from that (are you doing enough, are you saying The Message, am I depressed enough to fit in this group, or the opposite, where health is the object, but it's not about individual health, but about trying to fit inside some type of God Suit of Perfect Health) For me, to have capacity to relate to other people and to find what the fuck is wrong with me, I need to be with people who care for me, as me; it's not about preserving or enhancing a group or sitting in an opium room together smoking the poppy of We're All OK; It's about a long-term process of trying to see something else than a stranger in the mirror, with someone who is at the same level of strangeness. It's about paying attention at the level of an individual, with all the challenges it entails; facing the complexity of who I am with the complexity of who you are. And for me, I don't think I want to even be understood as such; rather I'd want to be creatively misunderstood. But the possibility for all that is practically almost *not existent anymore* in the internet, and I'm pretty sure it's almost gone in the real world too, or it's this feedback loop of the real copying the virtual in ever more dysfunctional terms. It's like all we have is these cult-type structures, or poppy rooms, where faceless people congregate around something that takes away the pain for maybe half a second, where nobody knows nobody. And it's just so damn sad. I find myself asking: Where can I go? And there is only nowhere to go to; to lose myself in some way, to make myself disappear in some way. And if that's what I've made my individual self for? Even more sad.

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thewitchesfortune · 1 year

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So someone posted a short rant earlier that kind of pissed me off, but rather than going on their post and starting a fight, I'd like to make my own rant about it. I also wound up blocking that person, because they've been posting things I disagree with far more than anything, and I disagree inherently with the ideology behind the post they made.

They essentially said that routine and discipline in the craft are not at all important, and neither is getting results. They said that anyone who believes any of it IS important had a "toxic grindset/workout mentality", which is rather ridiculous to be honest. Basically they were comparing occultists who are dedicated as the gymrats of the occult world.

First, routine is important. I'm not great at building routines myself, but if you have a routine set up for monthly and weekly spells it will help you keep on top of things. And to address some of the comments on that post that I know I'll get, I am also neurodivergent. I am undiagnosed, suspected adhd. Routines are extremely difficult for me to start, especially if they are spaced out. Once I am IN a routine though, it's so much easier to keep up with

Discipline is not "toxic" btw. I saw a lot of people talking about needing to have a life outside of the occult, and no one with a brain is gonna tell you that you don't need/get to have one. Discipline is not "I will eat/sleep/breathe this thing until it has comsumed my every waking moment" it is "Practicing this thing at least for an hour a day, or a few times a week will help me get better at it."

Practicing divination daily will help you improve your predictions, just like practicing the guitar every day will help you improve your finger technique. Discipline is required in any craft if you want to become proficient, whether you want to become a "master" or not. It's ok to dabble, but I'm not gonna go to someone who dabbles in painting for a portrait I actually want to show off.

And then the bit about not needing to push yourself to get better results. Like ... I don't understand why anyone would type that. At all. If you don't want results, why are you doing magic? Do you really not care about results, or are you just not getting them? And instead of actively trying to figure out where you're going wrong and improving your craft, you're just gonna talk down anyone who puts in the work to do better? Are you seriously negging people who enjoy practicing magic because you can't be bothered to? That whole post just made that person seem so sad, and then I saw all these other people in the comments agreeing

I'd like to make it clear, this is not putting down spoonies or chronically ill people. Of course, work within your own abilities. Someone with severe asthma shouldn't be trying to mountain climb without a good amount of training. But you CAN START TRAINING. You can work on your craft little bits at a time. You can do low energy magic and rework spells that include things you're allergic to. You can do research, or listen to podcasts in your downtime. Dedication to the craft might look different for different people. It doesn't mean you have to hyperfixate on it and let it consume your life. But you can't expect progress if you AREN'T PROGRESSING

#witchblr #witchcraft #spirit work #occult #divination #daily divination #dedication #discipline

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theninjazebra · 1 year

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personal bullshit

(this is chaotic ranting, ignore me)

I think the reason I take it soooo fucking personally when people take a purity first/anti-dark art/anti-art position is that art is literally the thing that got me to question and reject the absolute bananas homeschooled evangelical/conservative/conspiratorial way I was raised.

I'd love to say it was the fucked up beliefs, or the shitty way I was treated, or the shitty way my friends were treated (well, there was a big thing that gave me a nudge to go looking for other information, but that's another story), or the general weirdness, injustice, cruelty, bloodthirsty, mental illness, apocalyptic fantasies, etc etc.

But actually it was because the art sucked. Stuff that was obviously metaphor was taken literally, aesthetic sensibilities were HIDDEN TRUTH, and the emotional realities of the Approved art were shallow and boring. It was art that you didn't feel, just Agreed With. Bad all round.

Despite my mother's best efforts she had pretty great taste in music and art and media, and passed that down to her kids. So there was always this conflict between what I liked and wanted and what I was told was good. So clearly I was evil for wanting better music and art and stories.

There's that bible verse, that I can't remember now, about only thinking about Good and Holy things. It was stuck to the side of our Home Desktop for teenager me to flagrantly ignore. But underneath the Enforced Goodness a demented emotional reality ruled people's lives. Intense emotional fragility meant that the world around them needed to be micromanaged to keep them safe, and a sort of paranoid, destructive religion was the best weapon in this fight.

It's not hugely surprising that biblical literalists have trouble with metaphor, or the idea that fiction isn't real. It's a bleak cultural wasteland, where any vestiges of life get seared off to leave more space for... something.

It's a good system of belief for someone who doesn't want to live, just fantasize about dying and everyone who ever hurt or rejected them dying. All reality boiling away leaving sweet oblivion and Righteous Victory in it's wake.

Art is a threat to that. Mostly because it opens a window to the idea that Emotional Reality and Physical Reality aren't the same thing, and maybe an authority figure's personal feelings and tastes shouldn't be violently imposed on everyone around them.

It's so weird to look back as an adult and see how much of it was just "I don't like this, thus it must be EVIL and a THREAT to my moral wellbeing and MUST BE DESTROYED".

It's a funny way of looking at the world, where instead of becoming a stronger, more complex person to live in the world, you make the world around you a simple and safe nursery for yourself. And then make everyone else live in this world too.

Anyway this is how I got sent to a (in hindsight, a very unethical) therapist when i was 15 for drawing vore. Because obviously, demons.

anyway. shout out sad emo 15 yr old me.

#shut up emma #a sort of second part to an unhinged rant i haven't posted about purity culture

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baladric · 2 years

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i was just randomly scrolling through the tdt tag and i saw your post about the horrible treatment by supposed fans towards stiefvater and trc/tdt and i couldn’t agree more. things were always tricky and it was a sad sad day when she closed her tumblr and i remember a lot of it had to do with the treatment of kavinsky’s character. i’m not saying there weren’t problematic elements to her writing but she more often than not got criticised for all sorts of dumb shit but i truly hoped that the fandom had matured in the years following the release of the raven king but i suppose it was not to be. i remember when she did a reddit ama and got accused of being homophobic because declan and jordan got engaged but not ronan and adam. like ?!?!? did this person even pay attention to the story and their character arcs?? it would make very little sense for pynch to get engaged, not least because they are barely in the same place for most of tdt. anyway sorry for the rant but i just truly feel bad for maggie, for all the work and love she put into these characters and doing it all through a scary illness that nearly stopped her from writing and by all accounts would have killed her. i definitely think she wasn’t prepared for the level of fandom and attention she was going to receive for trc and it sucks that she’s had to reduce her presence from social media since. i can’t wait for her next books though especially because they seem to be more for adults. i think she has truly mastered young adult fiction so i’m curious to see what she does next, and it’s bound to be good if tdt is any indication

oh word, friend! honestly the vitriolic outlash re: kavinsky was sort of my personal first red flag about the rising of purity culture in fandom spaces (though there were, and are, valid criticisms of k obviously, like yikes re: the "face of a refugee" shit)—and now all this stuff about pynch in tdt is like... idk, people have lost touch with the concepts of nuance and also unhomogenized relationship arcs.

(THIS GOT SO LONG SORRY, I HAVE TOO MANY THOUGHTS)

idk how understood this is, but as a chronically ill person, i think about it a lot—ronan's entire arc in tdt, especially in cdth, is about chronic illness and the arduous, painful process of acceptance of one's disability and consequent limitations. like you said, stiefvater came into tdt after a terrifying illness during which she literally lost the ability to string sentences together, and very much had no idea if it was a skill she would ever regain. and she's still dealing with issues, i'm sure, because any serious illness leaves its marks.

being a dreamer has always had aspects of chronic illness, though one could argue that its original plot inclusions in trc aligned more with experiences of addiction and mental illness (with a soupçon of internalized homophobia, for Flavor™). but the way tdt starts off with ronan being very directly forced into conflict with his physical capabilities in regards to doing the things he needs to do for his own essential happiness (read: moving to be closer to adam, and his following inability to actually do that, as it took him too far off the ley line to be safe for him,or anyone around him) is a classic chronic illness narrative. and considering what stiefvater was coming out of, experientially, it's very clear that this is deliberate.

(i think she's actually talked about this somewhere, maybe in that reddit ama, but idr where! if anyone wants to follow-up with that, it would be lovely)

the thing is!!! navigating one's own disability is a grieving process—and grief is multifaceted, and comes paired with a lot of anger and railing at god/nature/reality/whatever. which, of course, can absolutely ruin relationships and push loved ones away. and even if it doesn't firebomb those relationships, it still complicates them intrinsically. a person can't help someone that's not helping themself, and it's hard to have space for helping yourself when all of your resources are going towards survival. and ronan is very much surviving. he is not helping himself—and he hasn't been for a long time at the start of tdt. we see that in the daily/weekly schedule declan had to force him to write so he wouldn't just waste away, and it continues apace into, you know. violent ecofascism. (which is a lot more destructive than your average joe can manage with their disability crisis, but you know, each to their own!)

meanwhile, adam's on his own self-worth/self-concept journey, spreading his wings at college and doing the very classic job of swinging oneself so far in the opposite direction of their old behaviors or the person they used to be, that it ends up being its own brand of personal disservice. he has put the adam parrish of henrietta in a box and shoved it to the back of his mind, and donned this very literal disguise (my boy! in a tweed fuckin vest and slacks! love that for him) of ivy league therapist friend!adam, and though we obvs lack adam pov to take the actual temperature of this, it's really clear that this shift isn't sustainable. you can't run from trauma, and you can't run from your past self, and he's making a valiant effort at doing both. it's gonna back up on him, if it's not already.

so ronan going off the rails? not something adam has the capacity to manage gracefully, even if ronan was letting him in—which he isn't, because he's grieving the simple fact of an inherent freedom he'll never be allowed. all of his friends have scattered on the wind like so many traumatized dandelion seeds, and he's stuck in the same place, unable to put the ghosts of their collective past behind him, because they live in his house. this is the driveway where he found his father, dead; this is the barn where he spent countless fruitless hours trying to dream a sweetmetal for his mother, only to have her die horribly before he could; this is the car in which he raced a dead boy, and these are the streets he drove with his best friend on long, sleepless nights when all they could do was try to keep each other from falling through the holes in their heads. the school he failed, the church in which he dreamed a crime worse than anything he'd dreamed before or since, the hummocks of disturbed earth, grown over with tall grass, in which he buried the things that wanted to kill him and who knows how many other corpses of his own physical self.

and he can't leave. he can never leave, so he's clutching at straws and alienating everyone who loves him and just McFreakin Losing It! which is fine, because he's nineteen and stranded and feels more alone than he ever has, in this void of anything like guidance, in the void of parental figures, in the void of any kind of traditional life path, and he has to work all of that out for himself.

so of course he and adam aren't getting fucking engaged. of course it's not a happily ever after—and it would be disinenguous for maggie goddamn stiefvater to give us that! because when has she ever been anything but a writer of complex, messy and wretchedly gorgeous characters? isn't that what drew us all to her in the first place? because fuck, y'all, the draw sure isn't her plots or her worldbuilding! (i love her worldbuilding, to be clear, it's just... aside from the dreaming, it's not super consistent)

stiefvater's appeal as an author is the very unique and complex way she understands her characters' minds, and refuses to ever play them as archetypes. gansey isn't just a nerd, or just a rich boy, or just a lonely person—he is all of them at once. he's a king of men, he's miserable, he's giddy with the thrill of being alive, he wants to get pizza with his friends and drive too fast and be allowed to go fuckin bonkers now and again and kiss the girl he loves.

gansey is a fucking problem. blue is a problem, henry is a problem—adam parrish and ronan lynch are PROBLEMS, and god fuckin bless stiefvater for not only allowing this in her characters, but for leaning into it. she lets them be messy, lets them be awful and fight and do the wrong thing, and—most importantly—she lets them find ways to come back together afterwards!

all this to say, it blows my fucking mind that people are surprised that this trilogy is doing anything other than absolutely wrecking shop. stiefvater wouldn't have written these books if there weren't things in her characters that needed to break in order to be patched back up, stronger than before. the entire raven cycle universe is built on the shifting nature of individual identity, and the ways we all have to create our own fulfillment, because the goals we set for ourselves are very rarely the point of existence that we want them to be. and if the first quartet was about gansey and adam, at their core, then this trilogy is about ronan and declan, building their fulfillment. finding their footing in the world as adults (which, you know, quick point, tdt is not young adult fiction, it's regular old speculative fiction, so uhhh yeah of course the material is gonna be even less fluffy homogenized shit than the first series) and that's fucking HARD and MESSY and just. jeez, y'all, have faith in stiefvater that it'll all come out the better, and find some peace that things are messy right now. (it's not HOMOPHOBIC for a queer person to struggle in fiction, and if you're thinking that, you need to sit down and examine that thought very deeply. i could say a lot about how declan falling in love and getting engaged is extremely meaningful for his personal development, where the same thing wouldn't be for adam and ronan, but uhhh idk)

we make a lot of jokes that stiefvater likes to hurt us, but does she? really? like, yes, her writing hurts, but as a person who was dragged kicking and screaming through his mid-20s by the nape of his neck and the slim hope of the brighter future shown in the raven cycle, i can say that her stories are actually, at their core, about healing and the awful paths we have to walk to reach it. and, with the advent of tdt, they're now also about the fact that healing is cyclical, not linear! there's no end point to growth. there's no happy ending—because there's no ending, short of death. life has ups and downs, and with every layer of ourselves we heal, another, deeper layer pulls back, demanding that same care and attention, those same tears and clawing for the light. it's hard. it sucks. but at the end of the day, we can get gelato with our friends. we can look at art. we can find our sweetmetals to carry us through our days, whether those be assistive devices, or people, or a favorite book.

;laskfjw idk TL;DR, these books would not only not be maggie stiefvater books if adam and ronan just... got engaged and were having a happy, fluffy time of it (and fwiw, declan and jordan are distinctly NOT having a happy fluffy time??)—they would also fucking suck. they would not be entries into this world. they would be doing these characters a fucking disservice. so just. everyone needs to calm down and realize they can just not read something if it makes them mad. what's that meme with the skeleton? you can just LEAVE!!! you can put the book down instead of harassing the fucking author, who is doing nothing but staying true to herself and her motivations in storytelling.

clearly i have a lot of feelings about this. if you read this far, blessings be on your funky little soul, you absolute legend.

#tdt #trc #the dreamer trilogy #the raven cycle #maggie stiefvater #this is so fucking long sorry #anonymous ask #ask

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elytrafemme · 2 years

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under the cut rant about how people with mental illnesses are sometimes ableist but think that they aren’t even though they entirely are (dont rb but u sure can read ^_^ it’s just negative and ik some of u guys dont wanna see that on ur dashes on this fine friday / saturday so dont click under the cut if u dont want that stuff u know! ok love u)

i’m never going to get over the fact that all of my classmates and the majority of people i know in real life are all pro mental health support and all performatively say that they enjoy psychology and they get it really they do because you see they had an anxiety attack once when they were twelve so it makes them qualified. and yet the second i try to find a safe space in my very fucking infrequent attempts they try to make me feel insane. like the fact that they’re all like ohhh i’m so sad etc. but then i make a joke about my memory issues and nobody understands what i’m talking about and they’re like what the fuck is wrong with you. the way that everyone would laugh at the shitty guys’ jokes just to feel anything but when i laughed a little too hard and started full body sobbing everyone looked at me like i was the first case study for female hysteria in the fucking 1800s. i start doing unpredictable things and my memory gets all spotty and i start having these rages and i voice my reasonable fucking symptoms and all of a sudden it’s what the hell are you talking about write this down for your therapist oh can you stop venting to me that’s a little too much when i never vented i just existed around them like existing around them was a little too much.

every second of the day i have to physically try to suppress the urge to tell these people that yes they’re mentally ill but also have no idea how the fuck to support other people with mental illnesses because i swear to God. these people will say oh i want to be a psychologist it’s because i have mental health issues ahaha. but then they look at me like i need to be in an asylum. it doesn’t help that i know some of them are trying to make me go insane because if they make me look crazy it helps their narrative (my ex would be very justified in treating me like shit if she could prove she broke up with me because i’m mentally unstable etc) i need my school to burn to the ground i’m so serious.

#look at me. using under the cuts. aren't you so proud of me #a user on this site talked abt oppressing depressed people bc of how fucking ableist some of them can be and tbh i am thinking-#-a whole goddamn lot about that LMAO #(<- it was partly a joke but also like a legitimate critique you guys know the post im talking about.op made some points i think)

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monumentalslutt · 8 months

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still have a lot of love for my ex, not like he needs it but idk i cant just ditch him??? like even from afar, he’s fine obviously he’s got a gf he’s living his best life but i think i’ll always care about him. no matter how angry or sad i get my care for ppl is always stronger, i wish i knew how to make ppl know that. no matter how bitchy i be i really do still care and at the end of the day that’s the main thing. obviously he would never come to me if he needed someone bcs hes got other ppl and i’m not the only girl he’s loved but he’s still the only guy i’ve loved so it’s still hard for me. i think once i finally start loving someone else i’ll be chillin bcs their won’t be a lil empty space in my mental u know what i mean. i just don’t really talk to anyone and i’ve gotta know them in person be comfy with them and allat and feel loved by them before i really start loving you get what i mean. i think it’s also bcs of my other lil mental quirks that i love and feel emotions way more intensely than like my ex you know what i mean, need to find me another mentally ill cutie who will feel just as deeply as me. or at least one that is sane but understanding abt mental shit. rn i’m in a good mindset i like when i’m like this, like normal and chillin but in like a couple hours i’ll probably be angry or sad abt somethinf and ranting on here, but that’s what i mean, no matter how angry or sad i get this is still how i actually feel like, it just kinda gets hidden under my emotions bcs i don’t really think i just feel. if im angry i normally just want to make them know how upset they make me and i don’t really think a lot. i’m very controlled by my own emotions and it really has gotten a lot more like out there this year. 2023 not my year for real i’m doing worse than i ever have and dis shit don’t be going away. it’s not directly even caused by one thinf, i’m not emo just abt my ex or anything it’s geniunely my entire mental about everything. even if i got a new boyfriend i’d still have these exact same issues and still be just as controlled by my emotions, it would just be affecting him too. i think my mum is probably the biggest thing that’s “causing” anything per say but that’s from the last 16 years of constant issues with her. it’s unfair how life goes with those kinds of things, i never did anything to deserve that but it still happened now i just have to learn to deal with the consequences of someone else’s actions. Also this year is really like when my mum has really become a big like thing in my mental. it’s like all the build up of my whole life dealing with her has finally snapped and it’s all starting to really affect me. i think i’ll show my therapist this post bcs i’m not thinking emotionally for once, i’m just chillin sitting on the toilet and observing myself. i wish i felt like this all the time but honestly im upset or whatever you wanna call it just as much pr even more than i am just you know chillin hmmm anyways catch ya later alligator

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indigolament · 3 years

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#copy pasted from my twitter a bit late #only 2 day delay #i actually wanted to study quantum physics to try and comprehend what the fuck reality is #like wtf was there before the big bang #what's beyond the edge of space #i need answers not sleep because what the FUCK #science is still evolving like. for all we know what if there's spots in this place that don't adhere to 'laws' of science. like bees not #giving a fuck about the laws of aviation #i'm 99% sure i'm going to die before we ever get satisfying answers and it makes me sad #yet this same curiosity keeps me alive despite it all. just in case #this whole rant is probably weird i'm sorry h #singed #shitpost #zaun #piltover #league of legends #but yeah that isn't gonna happen bc mental ill ess

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skybristle · 2 years

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Please rant about why you didn't like how chapter 14 characterized Caramel arrow. I may not have gotten to it because I'm still stuck in chapter 11 but I'd love to hear it.

pls rb!! i put a lot of thought and effort into these posts!

was talking to a friend. this is a. Horrid mash of copy/pasted stuff from discord dms paired with me typing in new shit to bridge gaps and add points but. under cut again! probably some talk abt murder and violence [but its against affo mainly so its okay /JOKE] but mainly to save space on dashes since i type a lot also note that i tend to call caramel arrow carrow. it just rolls off my mental tounge better and its easier to speedrun typing in my fanon i've also added magnolia into her story but. for the sake of arguement i'll leave her and any magnolia-related changes out. but yeah they canonically kiss devsis told me /lh ill add more if i think of anything

shes a static character. NOTE. static characters are NOT inherently bad. but she has so much potential for being fucked up and questioning her loyalties and shit. as she stands she is just. There. she does a little bit of girlbossing but ESPECIALLy in chapter 14 she is just there to go its okay dark cacao ur doing the right thing it is alright u are okay :] and she doesnt even get resolution with affo. iirc they dont even rlly get a confrontation he just. Runs away. these r my main problems but ill get into a lot of wasted potential later. ill be so mad forever and ever they didn't let carrow kill affogato. like. she had a straight shot in the end when his sheilds were down and he was just trying to get away. ut she just goes "OHHH NO AFFOGATO IS GETTING AWAYYYYY" like babygirl you are the first watcher. What are you doing. i get that cr doesnt have the balls to violently kill him on screen but like u could have shot him and left him for dead at least. Like. .... idk. red velvet gets a crossbolt bolt to the face in TOSC its not too out there. but even then carrow seems like the type to want to kill someone cleanly and effectively no matter WHAT they did so she doesnt stoop to their level. so as far as my fanon goes she shot him thru the head when he was trying to escape. like again i know canon wouldn't do that but it is dissapointing to see nothing happen with him and carrow's arc yet another injustice to carrow's character. shes just. There honestly. like she doesnt DO ANYTHING. shes kinda just [woman standing discord emoji] you could honestly remove her from the plot without much difference which is. REALLY FUCKING SAD considering that she was so hyped up and is playable. her only real character trait is 'loyal to dark cacao'. which falls flat considering DARK CACAO IS FUCKED UP?? like i know affo is manipulating him or whatever but he had to have been at an incredibly low point in the first place - likely caused by dark choco's betrayel and the stress of losing so much , including many of his watchers, to the war. the main missed potential i see: the missed potential with her and dark choco. it's heavily implied he was very very close with her - and her mentor. she even has a line abt him being the one who taught her how to use a bow. it's p easy to assume he's the person who trained her and could probably be considered her non-blood informal older brother or maybe an idol. [i prefer the former but. Yeah] have her loyalty be split between the king who deeply hurt his people for decades [since even before affo i doubt it was good considering i can only IMAGINE how fucked up the kingdom was afrer the DFW with their watchers presumaby spread incredibly thin after so many losses] and FUCKING EXILED HER regardless of affo's imput and the prince who trained and partially raised her but has done so much fucked up shit and lost his path

NEITHER of them are good people. at least completely. do they deserve her loyalty? is she reeally doing good by following anyone?? is bias by being close to the royals clouding her judgement? she can't answer those questions

but No. dark cacao good everyine else bad :3. so dissapointing this is becoming more of a stretch but this is more a thinly veiled excuse to talk abt my fanon because i make her character so much cooler and sexier but. Ya! also not to say she was probably a trainee or barely out of training when dark choco betrayed everyone when he was probably her older brother figure andddd probably got shoehorned into the position of first watcher too fast since dark cacao was in such deep paranoia after getting betrayed by his own son he couldn't trust anyone short of who was practically his own daughter but. Ya! would have fucked. her cutscene thing says she became the first watcher at an incredibly young age. u can assume in canon that just means that she was so capable she earned it so early on but like. You could ALSO take rlly fucked up implications from that if you wanted to. like. Yeah. also i dont have as thorough thoughts on this but. it's sad that we didnt see much of her relationship with the other watchers. its obvious that they miss her, care about her, and are still loyal to her. i've always thought it was a really interesting thing that despite her exile and presumably being stripped of her title they all still call her first watcher. resisting the urge to talk abt her and magnolia so i wont but like. scenes with the other watchers could have rlly helped this!!! oh also if you ship carrow x affogato get the fuck off this post i actually hate you fuck you fuck yo ufuck yuyou fuck you. Die. thats all i remember for now. Bye girl.

#sky rambles #cookie run #crk #cookie run kingdom #cookie run oc #[i guess??? i have a magnolia ramble post waiting to be finished in my drafts. youll get more of her i prommy]#caramel arrow cookie #dark cacao cookie #dark choco cookie #affogato cookie

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sasa-slayer · 3 years

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Obey me! Brothers x Bipolar! Gn! reader Headcanons

In honor of mental illness awareness month, here are the obey me boys with a bipolar reader! I am a person with Ultradian rapid cycling bipolar condition, and the thought of these demon boys understanding and helping me through my struggles turns me into a happy blob.

Trigger Warnings: mentions of eating disorders, mental illness, self-harm, suicidal thoughts and, and sexual content, though not explicit.

Lucifer:

Helps in the most subtle way out of all the brothers. You won’t even notice unless if you pay close attention, and even then, you don’t see all he does for you.

Spreads out your schoolwork to fit your moods. If you are in a productive mood he might give you a little more to make up for the days where you don't feel good and he lessens your load.

Controls your sugar intake. You might think he’s just being a strict father figure, but sugar can be addictive and make your emotional state more unstable.

So in reality he is looking out for you, he just isn't the best at doing so without looking like the bad guy.

Gives you small gifts to brighten your day. They range anywhere from a key chain to a devildom rose.

Compliments you a lot, though often subtly, and means every single word he says.

Is always surprisingly patient and understanding of your mood swings and will calmly listen and talk to you through it all.

If he sees any scars from cutting, he’ll feel a blow to his pride, though he’ll immediately shake away those thoughts because this isn’t about him.

He’ll confront you about it but won’t pressure you to tell him anything. He tells you it's not something to be ashamed of, it's proof that you survived, and are fighting to live.

He’ll make sure you stop though and comes up with plenty of ways for you to release stress and feel alive without hurting yourself.

Such as singing, sports, art, and playing games with him and his brothers.

Mammon:

Honestly, when your with Mammon you usually end up buying a lot of things on impulse, and he doesn’t try to stop you; however, he always makes sure to help you feel good about your purchase.

Like it’s already done over with, so he’ll make sure you don’t lose any sleep over it, but if it still bugs you, he’s more than willing to pick up a part-time job with you to help you earn back the money you spent.

Experiencing mania and can’t seem to shut up? Never bothers him. He listens and hangs on to your every word with a love-struck look on his face.

Don’t feel like talking? That's alright, he’ll talk twice as much and ramble on about random things while slipping in a few comments about how amazing you are.

Plus he’ll never get angry at you for zoning out while he was talking, he’ll simply repeat what he said; but if you still aren't paying attention, he’ll just stop, grab your hand and smile at you as you both stare at each other in silence.

He is someone who rubs his thumb over your knuckles.

If you ever mention your suicidal thoughts, this boy will instantly panic in the best way possible.

Like he freaks at first, but immediately calms down because he knows how hard it is to open up about such a vulnerable topic.

He’ll listen to everything you say and makes sure you know you can always come to him to talk about these things and how your life is very precious.

Not just to him, but it is precious in itself.

Levithan:

Games with you if you had a stressful day.

You’ll come home and he has prepare junk food and snacks to fit your tastes and cravings, sets up an anime or two, and has your favorite game already on the loading screen.

You both stay up late ranting and getting deep in conversation as you play away at your favorite video games.

He never gets mad at you for raging, even if you squeeze a controller a little too tightly for his liking because he knows he can always replace a controller, but can’t replace the good relationship you have with each other.

He used to get mad about this, but he’s super patient and lenient about it now, and just tries his best to calm you down.

Finds animes with protagonists that have, struggle with, and overcome mental illnesses, or animes with uplifting plots in general; because let’s be honest, animes can help inspire and comfort you.

Makes sure to tell you the possible triggers in things he wants to watch with you and makes sure you’re comfortable with the contents.

Even if you said a trigger didn’t bother you in the past, he’ll still ask because he knows you might not want to watch something with that trigger depending on your mood.

Buys a bunch of plushies, crystals, and fidget toys to help ground you and have something to absent-mindedly play with as you do everyday things.

Satan:

This man respects you so much. He knows how hard it is to control his wrath and he can’t believe you have to control all of your emotions!

He thinks you’re so strong, even when you don’t feel like it, and he admires you for it.

Makes tea and reads to you to help ground and calm you.

Stressed out? Bam! Kava, or Mint tea.

Having trouble sleeping? Bam! Lavender tea.

Having a lot of anxiety and/or all of the above? Bam! Chamomile tea.

Sits and chills with you in his room.

The calm, yet the chaotic atmosphere in his room is just so comforting to be in whenever you’re feeling stressed out.

He takes you bowling to help you release your anger.

There’s just something about throwing a heavy metal ball with all your might that helps release that intense rage.

Makes a conscious effort to never yell at you; because he knows it will (A) aggravate you until you start yelling back at him, (B) make you sad and scared as you tremble, or (C), possibly his least favorite, make you turn indifferent and zone out.

If something does happen and he accidentally raises his voice, he leaves and comes back and apologizes as soon as he has calm down.

Meditates with you regularly, especially before bed. Teaches you breathing techniques, and walks you through them when you are stressed.

Never leaves you alone too long during a depressive episode, because he knows how evil the mind can be and how convincing its lies can sound.

He’ll make sure you never listen to the stupid voice in your head that says your “undeserving”, or “a waste of space”, and other ridiculous lies.

Asmodeous:

Self-care queen.

Feel bad or self-conscious? Be ready to be pampered. You’ll be taking a relaxing bath, be lathered in your favorite scented lotion, and afterward, he’ll do your hair (if you have any that’s long enough to comb/brush), nails, makeup, as he tells you how beautiful you are and how much he loves you.

Always reminds you that the makeup and products he puts on you are just to have fun and enhance the beauty you already have.

Feeling so stressed and overwhelmed you don’t get up out of bed? He’ll do everything to help you. He’ll pick out your outfit, do your hair, wash your face, literally anything that won’t chip his nails.

He’ll not only pick out your outfits based on how good they look but also what will help you feel comfortable in your current mood.

Feeling ugly? He’ll pick clothes that compliment your body type and help you feel confident.

Feeling hot and sexy? He’ll want you to enjoy those good feelings to the fullest, and put together a sharp-looking outfit to fit your style.

Feeling anxious and have a habit of fidgeting? He’ll pick a long sleeve or some gloves so you don’t scratch your wrists, a metal necklace to fiddle with, and some rings to twist and turn.

When you came to him the first time while having a sexual impulse, he was super excited but refused because he noticed you were acting unusual.

He asked about it later and you explained how you sometimes had sexual impulses due to your mental condition.

He immediately asked you what you were comfortable with, and if you were okay with him helping you out during those impulses.

If you said yes, then you better believe you got every single one of your sexual, and affection desires in general, filled.

If you said no, he will respect your decision and promise to never cross your boundaries, but still will always be there for you.

Beelzebub:

This demon makes sure you never overeat or undereat when stressed because he knows how much it’ll upset you later.

At first, he thought it was cute when he saw you come back from RAD and immediately eat a bunch of junk food, but then the next day he saw how much you beat yourself up for it.

He doesn't understand why since the food didn't change anything, much less your beauty, but he doesn't question it too much.

When he sees you stress eating, he’ll let you have a few bites, before he swoops in and finishes all your food.

If you get upset, he’ll pick you up and carry you to your room to cuddle and watch movies. He doesn't like upsetting you, but he knows he has to so you don’t regret your decisions tomorrow.

if you tend to under-eat. This guy will do everything in his power to get you to eat.

He’ll say affirming words to convince you to eat and offer to get/make you anything you want.

He makes sure you eat, even if it's just something small, and hydrate regularly, and rewards you with cuddles and head pats when you do.

Loves to work out with you.

Manic episode? Okay, use that energy and rush to work out and hang with him.

Depressive episode? He’ll take you to work out since he knows working out can make you feel better.

If you don't want to go, he won’t make you and will stay behind to hang out and do whatever you feel like doing; including doing nothing.

Gives the best massages after a stressful day, or any time at all.

Is hesitant to give you massages because he is scared to hurt you, but he never does because he is extra gentle.

Like so gentle it should be impossible with how strong of a demon he is.

Belphegor:

Believe it or not, Belphie is the one who helps you with your sleep cycle.

If you have trouble sleeping at night, then he’ll drag you to the comfort of the attic, surround you with blankets and pillows, and cuddle into you in hopes that he, the literal Avatar of Sloth, can put you to sleep.

If this doesn’t work then he will lay his head in your lap and listen to you talk about whatever you want to, and if you don't want to talk, that's fine too. Belphie just loves being in your presence.

If you struggle with staying awake in the day, then sorry, but he doesn't help you stay awake; however, he will help you get rid of those guilty thoughts.

You get upset at yourself for dozing off? He’ll correct you and say it's completely alright and it’s not your fault.

If you fall asleep somewhere like the planetarium, he’ll pick up your head and place his cow pillow under it.

In exchange for using your lap as a pillow of course.

He’ll cuddle with you and take a nap saying that he’ll help you study or do whatever you need help with tomorrow.

Never snaps his fingers in front of your face when you zone out. He’ll simply nudge you with his shoulder, or just lay his whole body weight on top of you.

Let's you play with and braid his hair when your feeling unstable to help distract you from your overwhelming thoughts and emotions.

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akuutaguava · 2 years

Text

FUCKI I CANT POST ANYMORE SHIT ANYWAYS I LOVE YOU TIMBLR AND THE PEOPLE ON TUMBLR HAVE A GOOD REST OF UR DAY

SHIT IM ACTUALLY NOT GOING TO SURVIVE WITHOUT WRITING WEIRD THOUGHTS

Ahahahahaha im gonna have to rant on insta i hate life good bye

Better idea: type on this post and this post alone lets see how chaotic this gets

I am queercoding rn

IVE BEEN FEELING HUNGRY THE WHOLE DAY TODAY AND THE MOMENT I CAN EAT I DONT WANT TO WHAT KINDA FUCKERY IS THIS

actually sobs ive seen so much i want to reblog

I hate this godamn limit whatthefuck

Now people will go back to this random post and can’t see my posts popping up every two minutes

FUCK YEAH CASAVA CHIPS :D

My thoughts need to be documented even when i cant post on here

This used to be a post abt me talking abt killjng peoples dogs but who knows anymore

SOMEONE HMSSAVE ME AH

I HAVE A LOT OF ACCOUNTS THAT I NEED TO POST ON WHATTHEFUCK

SHIT THESE CASAVE CHIPS ARE SO GOOD

Bussing bussin frfr

I hate the people who made me not be able to type anything here today shie, apollo, ghoul im talking to you guys /j okay dw

Tempted to go bald and really embrace the mental illness

My mandarin caused havoc on like seven people today lmao

It got everywhere holy shit

Actually about to fucjing cry i hate nkt being able to post shit whathefuck its only been a day but WHY

Found out one of shed eerans songs is like the most famous song in the world and i actually want to end my life oml

Im going to play bsd mayoi to distract myself from this sad fate

AXTUALLY SOBBING TUMBLR CAN YOU STOP PLAYING AND JUST LET ME POST SHIT

FUCK YOU TUMBLE

just kidding haha only joking ily bbgorl

Phobic? You think im scared

Parents will be like don’t do drugs and then make you want to do them

Boutta die im talking abt liking hot evil dilfs what has my life gone to without tumblr

Physically pained

Mentally drained

JESUS CHRIST I NEED TO SNEEZE BUT I CANT I ACTUALLY HATE THIS

Gender? Isn’t that a spice?

ACTUALLY FML MY COMPUTER IS 12% IM GOING TO CRY AL MY CLASEES REQUIRE A COMPUTER TODSAY FUYCKM

yet another day with a substitute who hates my guts for no reason (she has a reason)

im probably going to go home i feel actually so sick rn

WHATTHEFUCK I JUST SAW A MEME MY TEACHER SHOWED US IN IT WAS SHAKESPEAR GOING “i put the lit in literature” THATS IT IM JUMOING OUT THE WINDOW

art = are

dost = do

doth = does

'ere = before

hast = have

'tis = it is

'twas = it was

wast = were

whence = from where

wherefore = why

nay = no

twas over yonder

LMAO FUCK TOU SCHOOL I’M LEAVING

OUT OF THAT HELL HOLE :D

Actually so happy i don’t need to do science now fuck yeah

GAH I FEEL LIKE SHIT LMAO

Im pretty sure everyone thinks im skipping fuck you guys im not

THE CICADAS ARE STILL HERE FUCK

I hate the invention of long hair we should all just cut off our hair my ling hair sucks

Stopped to say hi to the ants :D

What a great lifw we would have if we were all just… orbs floating through space

Now is not a good time to be walking on a bridge over a highway

We made it off the bridge without commiting ded :D

I hate walking slow holy shit

Time to go die in my bed because i can’t really post on here anymore and that makes me sad and want to die

IHATEYOUIHATEYOU GO DIE IN A HOLE

AHIT AHIT SHIT AHIT SHIR MMY PARENTS WANT TO WATCH BUNGOU STRAY DOGS HOLU SHIT THEY WILL ACTUALLY HATE IT AND ME AND EVERYTHING AND MAKE ME SELL ALL MY MERCH HOMY SHIT IM ACTUALLY GOING TO DIE WHATTHEFUCK SOMEONE HELP

I need another post for that but tumblr is a bitch

ACTUALLY FUCK I SLEPT FOR LIKE FOUR HOURS I WAS SUPPOSED TO FUCKING STUDY FOR TEO TESTS HOLY SHIT AHHHHHH WHATTHEFUCK SOMEENE AHHH NI U HATE NOT BEING ABLE TO POST HERE WHATTEHECUKDS

I WOKE UP AND I ACTUALLY FEEL SO SHIT LIKE I FEEL LIKE NOTHING MATTERS AND THERES NO POINT IN LIVING SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF THIS HEADSPACE

BRO THE ONLY THING THATS BEEN KEEPING ME GOING TODAY IS WAITING TILL 12 AM SO I CAN FUCKING POST SHIT I JAT THIS APP

I ALSO CANT EVEN FUCKING MAKE DRAFTS AND THAT MAKES ME WANT TO UNALIVE

dont mind those last posts, anyways three more hours until you guys get mass chaos :D goodbye for now and i’ll see you when i can actually fuckin post

#this is a threat #feel threatened #stellas gone mental

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artemisia-black · 2 years

Note

What I find a little weird about all of this stuff about "Black Family Madness" is that according to what little we see of the family tapestry, there's only one occurrence of incest recorded, and that's with the marriage of Sirius's parents. When I think of "family madness" due to inbreeding, I think of Hapsburg family levels of incest. I don't know if the purebloods would go that far to keep blood purity would they?

Yes I agree. And I find it particularly egregious when it's used in two specific contexts:

1. To 'explain' Sirius's behaviour in the Shrieking Shack- This man is severely traumatised and his 'angry and wild' behaviour is not a hereditary mental illness, but a reaction to what he has been through.

Trauma responses are our brain trying to help us survive. Yes his temper is intense but he's been imprisoned and held in horrifying conditions and is clearly starving and living rough. He is allowed to have feelings and react to the world around him (even if those reactions need processing in a therapeutic space).

2. In reference to Walburga's portrait. I have a whole meta/rant about why I think her 'Shrieking' portrait is problematic. For her implied faults, her portrait is painted at a time where she has lost everything and is clearly in the midst of grief. For anyone interested in a feminist interpretation of the history of Psychiatry, I've just finished this book and highly recommend it:

Mad, Bad and Sad;A History of Women and the Mind Doctors from 1800 to the Present

(https://www.amazon.co.uk/Mad-Bad-Sad-History-Doctors/dp/1844082342)

IMO I find pinning actions on 'Hereditary mental illness' to be incredibly reductive and actually misses a lot of emotional nuance and glosses over trauma. And it also applies to Bellatrix and I have a meta I've been stewing on for quite awhile about her.

#asks #anon asks #the noble and most ancient house of black #sirius black #walburga black

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lastoneout · 4 years

Text

I think that a lot of the takes I see claiming that Haida and the others were being "abusive" to Retsuko by forcing her to come out with them and talk about her feelings kinda come from the same anti-recovery mindset that is concerningly prevalent on this site.

Like the show could have done a better job of showing us how long it had been since Retsuko got attacked, but we can assume it had been a long time given that she was running out of leave and was at risk of losing her job.

So yeah immediately after she was attacked she deserves to hide and take time off and just be sad and scared and feel all of her emotions. But trust me as someone who has Been Traumatized, eventually you have to start taking steps towards healing and Retsuko wasn't doing that on her own. She was wallowing in her fear and refusing to take even the smallest step in her recovery. Her coping mechanism, like almost all coping mechanisms born out of severe trauma, was no longer helping and had become actively harmful to her life and relationships.

And I think this is where tumblr/the internet's flawed ideas about how friendships and trauma work come into play, because everyone seems to think that it would have been best was for her friends to just, I dunno hover around waiting for her to reach out? Not talk to her about what had happened? Let her shut them out until they never saw her again? Yeah that wouldn't be a good thing.

The idea of tough love gets misused a lot but the truth is you do eventually have to face your trauma head on, get your emotions about it out, and reach out to your friends so they can help you get better. Retsuko wasn't doing that. She also wasn't in a place where she felt she could freely express her emotions, as we've seen that she only seems comfortable doing that in the context of the karaoke bar, which her friends recognized. So they forced her to come with them to her safe space and would not back off until she started processing her trauma!

(And this actually is an interesting call back to her relationship with Tadano because when she was scared and stressed out from everything that happened in s2 and in a depressive episode and he just enabled her. It's a good thing she got out because that could have gone to a really fucking dark place. I've seen people who had mental issues who were enabled and a lot of them NEVER recovered fully.)

Sure it might seem like Haida was being mean, but I think that was kinda the point. Retsuko needed to get angry, so Haida pissed her off! She needed to know that her honest ugly emotions weren't going to scare her friends off, so he showed her his honest ugly emotions! She needed to know that she wasn't alone, so he told her that he would support her no matter what she decided she needed to do!

And also I doubt Haida actually expected Retsuko to return his feelings, it seemed more like he was being vulnerable to show her that she was allowed to be vulnerable too. He was using his confession as a catlyst because he knew it would make her angry enough to get her talking about the *real* problem. And at the end of her rant she wasn't even mad at him anymore, she was crying and yelling because she was getting down to the root of her trauma and letting it all out. And then, when she was in the throws of her deep, ugly feelings, when she was the most vulnerable she's probably ever been, Haida reached out and showed that he(and by extension her friends, since it was established that he was representing all of them) wouldn't leave her.

The healing process is ugly. It's not "uwu soft give them space and hugs and let them hide away taking self care days until they eventually feel better on their own". Trust me I've tried that shit it does not work. You gotta yank the bandaid off and face your emotions and deal with them before they ruin your fucking life. Retsuko's friends SAW that she was going down a path where she would end up hiding away in her mom's house for the rest of her life until she was broke and alone and stepped in so that didn't happen. Because honestly sometimes people do use their trauma as an excuse to never get better and that's not something you should enable! They were being good friends!!

Anyway yeah, the ending was good. It showed an honest, deep, uncomfortable reality of dealing with trauma. I def think there are places where they could have done better, I think they relied a little too much on comedy when they didn't need to, but honestly this is how healing works and I think a lot of people need to fucking get it in their heads already cuz if you honestly think that what Retsuko needed was to just be allowed to hide away in her mom's house until she lost her home and job and all her friends in the name of ~recovery~ than you really need to examine your unhealthy ideas about mental illnesses and trauma. Its hard, it's uncomfortable, and sometimes it requires the people you love to slap you upside the head and tell you to get your shit together. That's just how it works, and I'm glad Aggretsuko wasn't afraid to show us that.

#aggretsuko #aggretsuko season 3 #aggretsuko discourse #aggretsuko spoilers #haida #aggretsuko season 3 spoilers

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wannabe-fic-writer · 4 years

Text

Natasha Romanoff x Reader : Prove Me Wrong

Summary: She can trust you, even if she doesn’t know it yet.

Warning: 18+ Mental Health, Mentions of Death, Mentions of Violence, Smut

Chapter 1

******

It’s been two and a half hours. Your notepad and pen have been long since set aside and your tea is now cold, the little that’s left. You’ve tucked your legs underneath yourself, calves pressed against your butt, as a blanket rests on your bottom half.

Across from you the brunette boy hangs from the ceiling as he continues to talk.

“I didn’t even have time to think about how that must’ve made Aunt May feel. My teachers told her I went missing on the trip and she couldn’t contact me because I left my phone on the bus and even if I had it I was in space and I don’t think long distance calls cover the solar system I was in, which would’ve been cool if-”

“Pete.” You mess up your eyebrows as you run your fingers over them. The boy keeps going.“ Pete.”

“- and even though she got dusted she-”

“Peter!” You exclaim, stopping his rant.

His head whips down as he looks at you, noticing the still sweet yet slightly tired expression on your face. With an apologetic smile, he eases himself down from the ceiling and flops on to couch.

“Sorry. You don’t want to hear all my problems.” Fingers wringing in his lap, he looks away from you.

You stand and walk over, placing a comforting hand on the boy’s shoulder,“ it’s my job to listen to your problems Pete. And I do want to hear them, just pause. Your time was up an hour ago.”

His demeanor changes with the physical contact from you. The sad, guilty, expression brightening, a smile left behind.

You remove your hand and take a deep, settling, breath.

The chuckle you give makes him laugh,“ sorry, I just like having someone to listen.”

“I’m happy to listen and if I didn’t have other appointments I’d let you finish.”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it.”

“If you can’t hold on then my last appointment ends at four, come see me after, if you want.”

He smiles and gives you a quick hug,“ thanks Y/n, your the best. And I can be a little patient I’ll wait till my next appointment.”

“Okay, that’s fine.” Before he can leave the room you stop him,“ oh and Peter, try writing it all down. Sort of like an apology to May. It’s clear you feel guilty about worrying her. Whether you share it with her or not, putting it on paper might help.”

Giving you a thumbs up, he leaves out.

After cleaning up his pop cans and chips, you grab your cold tea and leave your office.

It’s now been six months since you moved into the Avengers compound. Your old friend and occasional patient, Tony Stark, asked/recruited you to come lend a hand.

As a licensed therapist and superpowered empath, Tony figured you could help everyone move past, or at least come to terms with, everything that happened with Thanos, himself included.

Once you agreed the man moved you into the compound and gave you an office space.

You spent your first week here getting to know the team, none of them being overly excited about the new comer. Especially not one who later revealed herself to be their “therapist.”

But time helped, in most cases. Tony and Peter were the first to open up to you, both guys being talkative. The difference is Peter actually takes your suggestions and help while Tony simply tells you his problems and then compartmentalizes.

Shortly after them was Sam Wilson. Aside from his relentless flirting and overly joking attitude, he’s very receptive to help and open about his emotions. Much like him is Steve. The blonde man had no problems relenting his feelings to you and taking your help in return, he just struggles with actually using said help.

Mister Clint Barton is probably the easiest person to help. There are a number of things he wasn’t “excited” to share and other things you barely had to ask about. He revealed that he talks to his wife Laura about certain topics but had yet to even address somethings with himself.

Your biggest difficulties lie in the lives of Wanda Maximoff, James Barnes, and Natasha Romanoff.

Wanda, while trusting you as a friend, had not a single interest in sitting down to discuss her traumas. She’d lost too much and suffered to greatly to even begin to process it. Months in and the most she’s talked about is the death of her parents and very few happy moments with her brother.

James, or Bucky, was silent. He watched you, eyed every move you made and sized you up like you were a target. Seeing as he pegged you as someone who wouldn’t hurt a fly, he figured you had no ill intentions. To this day though, he struggles to open up. You mostly talk about his friendship with Steve.

And Natasha. You’d yet to even have a session with the mysterious red head. Your first week in she ignored you. Your second week she made it abundantly clear she didn’t want anything to do with your “therapy.” By the third week you barely saw her around the facility.

Still, you are far from giving up hope on anyone.

You find that you’ve made it all the way to the kitchen despite being lost in thought.

Wanda and Steve stand in front of the stove, the blonde man intently watching what the young girl is cooking, both oblivious or unbothered by your presence.

Gaze flickering over to Sam sitting with Bucky at the counter, you smile.

“Ready for your appointment Sam?”

He gives you a smile and winks,“ always.”

The man waits for you to fix another cup of tea before following you to your office.

Sam wastes no time getting comfortable on the sofa, wrapping himself up in the Sherpa blanket you provide after he’s grabbed two bags of skittles and a pop from the fridge.

It didn’t take you long to figure out the snacks each member of the team prefers and in an attempt to make them more comfortable you stocked your office with the treats.

“Alright gorgeous, you’ve got me all to yourself, wassup?” He finishes with another wink and a smirk.

Resisting the urge to roll your eyes, you set down your mug, and pull the notebook you use for him from your desk.

“I thought we agreed you wouldn’t flirt with me in here?”

He shrugs,“ what’s the fun in that?”

You smile at him, sitting in your chair and sipping your tea,“ when we’re in here and that door is closed it’s about you Sam, you aren’t helping yourself by disassociating.”

For a moment he looks away, popping a few skittles into his mouth. When your eyes connect again you know he’s ready to be serious.

“Did you do complete the exercise I asked you to do?”

“Yeah yeah.” He grumbles, whipping out his phone.

Two hours later you’re giving the man a hug and exiting your office shortly after him.

Despite the team gathering for dinner, you head up to the roof.

It’s always been heavy on you to take on the emotions of the team. As much as you love helping them and having them trust you, it becomes a bit much.

When it gets overwhelming you step away. Taking some time to process everything you’d taken in and work through it.

Using your powers in this way has a downside. When you take away the horrible feelings they have toward themselves, it’s absorbed into your own emotions. Sadly, you can’t just make them disappear from yourself like you do with the team. You have to process and deal with it all.

Not surprising at all, the members you will see tomorrow are going to ruin you: Steve, Bucky, and Wanda.

******

#natasha romanoff #natasha romanoff x reader #black widow #black widow x reader #marvel #marvel x reader #mcu #mcu x reader #prove me wrong #reader insert

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luna-rainbow · 3 years

Note

I’m so sad that it looks like Wanda’s going to be the main villain of Doctor Strange 2. I know it’s what a lot of people want and that it’s a famous storyline with her, but just because a story is iconic or famous doesn’t mean it’s not ableist as fuck. I don’t understand it, I thought that we were tired of seeing women portrayed as going mad and becoming evil but everyone seems to be actively rooting for this. Idk I guess I’m just so tired of my two favorite characters (Bucky and Wanda) being constantly vilified by Marvel, not to mention their horrible vilification of people with mental illness.

That was exactly my reaction to the news too! (This might devolve into a long off-topic rant). Of what little we've heard about Dr Strange 2, there's 2 things I'm worried about.

First, I'll talk about Wanda because my rant about Dr Strange went for wayyyy too long. When I heard the news I was unsurprised (because of WV ending) but also annoyed. Wanda's entire character arc so far, and particularly in the series, was about reconciling with the depth of her trauma and controlling her powers. This girl has been through a lot, and she gets things wrong a lot too, but consistently, she is trying to do the right thing. Her growth throughout the the movies and the series was all centered around her desire to not hurt people, but also her struggles to manage her own pain and not let it manifest in a way that hurts the people around her. The resolution of WV was her willingly give up the illusion that she craved - the family, the home, the brother, her love - so people stopped being hurt. Given MCU's poor track record of carrying through character development, I feel like her becoming a villain will just mean they will ignore all the growth she's made and negate the suffering (and sacrifice) she put herself through to give it up. Sure, she caused the problem in the first place and people were hurt, but her loss and grief as she wiped her sons and Vision from existence is real.

And yes...it will continue to perpetuate the message (as TFATWS did with both John and Bucky) that people with PTSD are not only sad, they're raving mad and murderous and need to be kept away from society for their own good.

In the next part of my essay I'm going to talk about Dr Strange, so feel free to skip.

I really looked forward to his first movie (cocky surgeon, good cast, magic) but I walked out disappointed. It wasn't bad, per se, but the plot seemed eerily parallel to Iron Man (cocksure millionaire learns humility) without having the heart of Iron Man. I think part of it is because there was nothing grounding Stephen - Rachel McAdams' character was no Pepper for sure. It also never brought Stephen back to his real life to show us what the real world consequences of him becoming a superhero meant, so it existed in this weird sort of vacuum of time-space, which lessened the impact of his character development. The emotional climaxes were all derived from short term relationships. I feel like this is the first movie MCU really fumbled the characterisation - you can see the great actors trying to make something out of what little they had, but we just never got the heart of Stephen Strange. We don't know what holds him to this world - as we do with Tony or Thor or Steve - we don't know what he's fighting for, what or who he loves, what he sees in the world that makes him want to put his life down for. Remember this is a guy they established as a self-centered cynic right at the start. I just didn't get a moment where he looked at the world and thought, "Ah...as much as humans are nasty little shits, there is still some beauty in this world that's worth protecting." Not me and my cynicism on full display.

Sorry, the purpose of the long rant above is to say - it sounds like they're turning Dr Strange 2 into an ensemble movie, and we already know how the last solo-turned-ensemble fest went. Stephen Strange really needs at least another solo movie to develop him. I want to see more of his rivalry with Mordo. I want to see how he balances his superhero duties with his real life. I want to see his relationship with Christine develop into something more substantial. I don't want him to be in a movie where he gets dragged along by the plot, gets sidelined to introduce new tentpole characters, and only saves the world because that's his superhero duty. Side-eyes TFATWS.

That said, it's being directed by Sam Raimi, so maybe there is some hope.

#dr strange #wanda maximoff #stephen strange

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twenty-one-froggy-pilots · 3 years

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Yeah I'm honestly a bit surprised by how passionate and vocal people are about hating twenty one pilots? It's kinda upsetting that when I try to interact with content about them I'm always a bit worried in the back of my mind because I'm a pretty sensitive person and it's hard not to let stuff get to me.

I don’t know why it’s always felt like twenty one pilots has gotten a ton of hate for no reason? I’ve been into them since 2013-2014 so pure unadulterated vessel era, I’m a very old fan of them and their music, like one of the oldest picture in my phone is this

(This picture isn’t important I just love it, plus something fun to look at with a not so fun subject material)

(Long history as a fan rant incoming lol)

I’ve been an emo kid for a really long time, back when all of the emo bands were big, when seeing another kid wearing a panic! shirt always meant you talked to them in the mall, I still remember when I would wear the one twenty one pilots shirt I could afford outside, that anyone who knew who they were would come up and start a conversation with me

And it’s like through the years the hate has changed to be... somehow worse

Back in the early days tøp used to get called not a true emo band because they didn’t have anyone playing the guitar so everyone hated them because they weren’t emo Enough

Plus there was the whole ‘emo trinity’ ‘emo quartet’ infighting nonsense but that’s so long past idk if anyone even remembers it lol

Then blurryface rolls around and fans are being made fun of for dressing funky and going through that one fandom phase where everyone was calling the boys smol beans it was great and cute, we were all really close, we called each other frens, told each other to stay street it was great! So what people made fun of us or whatever we were absolutely vibing

Twenty one pilots felt like the coolest secret gang of fans, we were absolutely huge, more so than most people would think, and man it was awesome!! If you saw a tøp fan you knew that you were cool with that person and that person would be cool with you!! It was amazing!! Sometimes I do miss this vibe!!

But then Stressed Out ended up on the radio...

I feel like it really all changed here, all of the sudden the old fandom things were cringy, the boys were sell outs, and every family member you knew was suddenly the biggest fan despite only knowing stressed out

I remember being upset around this time because of strangers invading my space, this was my group, filled with people who understood what the lyrics meant and knew and understood how much they meant to all of us, and suddenly it was filled with people who didn’t belong

I didn’t blame the pilot boys, obviously they can’t control what’s on the radio, I’m fact, there’s plenty of pilot songs that mention never being played on the radio because of one reason or another, so my problem was never with the boys, it was with the influx of new people, and by new people I don’t mean new fans, I mean news outlets and tv show host, and with that influx came the people who didn’t get it, you know? That were rude and outright nasty and refused to understand anything about the genre and effort put into the story and why it mattered to us

(Tw for suicide mention, and uncomfortable themes involving people making fun of themes involving it, tw for mentions of school shootings)

All of the sudden we were the fans of Tyler Joseph the man who ‘Glorifies Suicide’ and actively is supposedly encouraging that behavior

We were the cringy fans everyone knew in high school and hated who were described as being ‘JuSt So QuIrkY 🤪’, instead of the mentally ill kids we all were, by people who hated us

We were the fans of those ‘white boys who look like school shooters’ (this one honestly rocked me to my core, it still hurts to even see??? Like idk why but it almost makes me want to cry)

At the same time a lot of the old fans were turning their back on the pilots, they didn’t want to be involved anymore, they hated ALL of the new fans whether they were respectful or not

It was a REALLY hard time to be a new fan, very few people were open to having them involved in anything, I think this is when a lot of hatred happened in the fandom not only fan-fan fighting/hatred but also fan-band sentiments weren’t great either

The more songs that ended up on the radio the more the hatred grew, in fact this got so bad Tyler did this

youtube

Here’s a transcript in case it’s hard to hear

Like... this was the state of our fan group.... it was suddenly cool to hate all the songs that ended up on the radio so much it affected every part of our music journey

There was a lot of infighting, it was an awful time to be a fan, new or old

Then came silence era, in which every tøp blog I followed except like 2, became kpop blogs and I’m not sure any of them ever came back lol, I actually really disliked kpop because of this for a bit in like a jokey kind of way in my own head lol (ahh how the turn tables have turned... kpop and tøp are the only things I listen to now haha, actually because of all my tøp mutuals becoming kpop blogs I vowed to myself to not change this blog to another group so I have two music blogs now, which makes me laugh but also shows how important music is to me so it makes me happy anyways you know?)

It was kind of a sad way to have the fandom disappear, everything was strangled, the boys were gone, and no one kept up with the fandom, it felt really lonely

When Trench era clues started back people started coming back, the mood was different, we had something to do and it was fun to work on something with others, we had the Clancy letters, and all the clues, and the tower of silence and the vultures!! It was great! It started to feel like we had rebuilt something from the rubble of what we had been

The fandom started calling Tyler stinky and he called us b*stards it was great, sometimes people were a bit meaner than I think they thought they were being, but it worked you know?

When the album released we had more people come back and things slowly started fitting back ok again, more songs ended up on the radio and a lot of older fans said the same things they’re saying now, but it wasn’t that bad, it was mostly very positive

And then we got to the over the summer drama, which........... is a sensitive subject, but I legitimately do not understand how it was Tyler’s fault that people assumed he was talking about something when he wasn’t talking about it at all... especially when people have been begging him for years to talk more about mental health, he wanted to introduce whatever he was going to do with a joke, I personally never though he was talking about the big issue at the time of the incident, but it blew up like wildfire and the next thing you know he’s canceled because Other People Assumed Something

So now it’s ‘Morally Justifiable’ to hate Tyler because he’s r*cist or something, despite it never being his intention and because people assumed something

It’s literally not even with good reason that people are doing this, but because it blew up when it did and about what it did, no one knows what really happened and people just wanted a morally justified reason to hate them because you can’t just dislike something anymore without it being justifiable I guess? I feel like with all of the years I’ve spent on the internet everything has only become more hateful...

All this to say.... yes, it hurts when people hate the things that you do, I get really sensitive about it as well, especially with how long and how many arguments I’ve seen, and I am extremely sensitive to discourse and hatred, it’s why I don’t engage with much of it online, in fact I was about to delete the post complaining about everyone hating on them before I saw it was really resonating with you guys

I guess my best advice to you anon, would to try to understand where it’s coming from, that’s what’s helped me, I know a lot of people dislike the pilots because of the fact that they became ‘mainstream’ during blurryface era, and people are really upset by that, so understanding that, even when it hurts, I can acknowledge that they feel that way and that it’s ok that I feel differently

It’s easy to take that point and test it against your own morals, ‘do I think twenty one pilots became mainstream, or only makes songs to get on the radio?’ If your answer is no, then you can both say ‘I don’t agree with them but they’re allowed to have their own opinion’ and kind of give yourself a wall and barrier against what they say

I know this isn’t perfect advice, but it’s helped me a lot

I know there are two big arguments against this album, that it’s mainstream and made to have radio singles (the underlying argument here I guess being Tyler and Josh are money hungry and no longer care about the music)

And that it’s no longer lyrically meaningful, but I think this has to do a lot with how involved people are in the Dema lore, if you’re not a fan of lore I would imagine this album being propaganda and supposed to be fake and bright to prove a point would really bug you if you didn’t really get it

To best thing to do is digest an argument (only if you can handle it emotionally of course 🖤) and know it’s ok that think differently than other people, and that the chances of someone being mad at you are very slim

A lot of things I’ve enjoyed have been stolen by the fear of getting hated on for something - while in actuality, the very few times I’ve gotten real hate over something barely affected me

I admit the fear of getting hate bothers me a lot more than actually getting it, but I just want to encourage you to stay strong in the face of it, it will pass, as it all does, but if nothing else in this post resonates with you, PLEASE HOLD ONTO YOUR JOY FOR AS LONG AS YOU CAN! And don’t let ANYONE take it from YOU!!

If twenty one pilots makes you happy, just remember that the only person who can take that true joy away from you is yourself, remove the people who make you feel sad out of your life, I apologize if this is a physical person in your life as this makes it a lot harder, and sometimes impossible depending on the situation, but on the internet unfollow anyone, block anyone, don’t engage and leave them alone, it’s not with your energy or effort, and they’ll never change their minds but they can change yours you know?

Being sensitive in a time when everything is hateful is hard, especially when everyone tells you you’re a bad person if you aren’t engaged, but you really don’t have to be, you get to choose your own destiny you know? Don’t let other people choose it for you

#I’m am so sorry this post is so long and I still don’t know how to put readmores on mobile anymore #ajsjjams #I get told I ramble on about to much and that my stories are never concise and take forever to get to the point which might be true.........#I’m sorry #I kinda just rambled on forever but I feel like I finally aired out all my laundry I’ve kept to myself forever haha #it did have a point though! just trying to say like it’s always been a bit difficult but for the things that we love it can be #I’ve had a much better experience this era with the people I follow which has helped a lot #but to get to new content I’m digging in the tags which is where I’m #seeing all the hate so there’s kind of no avoiding it but I understood that going in you know?#anyways I think I’ve rambled on long enough! I hope this helped you out in same way?!?!#I’m not sure any of this is really helpful lol wjsks but one can hope haha #nic writes #tw suicide #tw suicide mention #tw school shooting #tw school shooting mention #tw racism mention

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