#want to rant about my sads and instead want to give myself a pep talk lol

[trashbaget]

.

#i was going to sad rant about mental illness but then i spaced in the 2 point 2 seconds it took me to move sitting locations and now i don't #want to rant about my sads and instead want to give myself a pep talk lol #happy scrapbook #TO RAE: if you're reading this you're perusing the happy scrapbook & no matter the reason you are you will benefit from hearing this. #i love you. and i believe in you. and you are doing fucking amazing. you are the bravest bitch i know out here existing like that. #you're so powerful. you're an incredible person and i need you know that things are going to be okay. who knows maybe everything that's #fucking with me right now will be a past thought and there will be other things on your mind now but no matter what you are doing brilliant. #you impress me every damn day by waking up. by drinking even a little bit of water and eating even a bite of food. you blow me a way with #every breath you take because you are divine. you are a magical existence and i can't believe that i AM you. i can't believe i get to wear #your skin and walk in your shoes and bask in everything that you created and say I. did that. you are incredible. WE are incredible. living #is an incredibly difficult thing and you are are so damn good at it. you are taking it day by day and doing your fucking best and taking #care of you before anything else in the world. you are doing your best to make life Worth Living and you are doing it so well. i am happy i #am alive right now writing this to you and that you are alive reading it. i am happy we are here where we are in this life because #You did that. I did that. We did that. this is Our doing and we have done it for ourself and that is beautiful. i love you and i hope you've #been hugged recently because hell do i need one right now. i adore you my friend. keep living well <3

[murdereraisuha]

I wrote this for myself to try and organize my current theories on TWST, but I might as well keep this blog going even though I’m out of ideas for card maker memes.

This is basically a rant that starts out with theorizing about RSA, the Cater=Cinderella theory, and Split Card, but then spirals into a Cater character analysis.

For anyone who doesn’t know the Cinderella theory, it’s basically just Cater might have something to do with Cinderella because he has two bossy sisters, and during the ghost marriage there was this whole thing where Riddle needs to rescue Cater before midnight because of some Queen of Hearts rule. 

Spoilers for Cater’s personal stories (including his halloween outfit story) and chat, and chapter 4 of the main story. Okay now let’s get into it. Over 1,800 words geez what am I doing with my life

   Aight so Ace and Deuce don't have their unique magics yet and there is obviously Something going on with Cater so it really makes me think that we're gonna return to Heartslabyul somewhere down the line. We know there's gotta be more stuff with RSA, so that might tie into the Cater = Cinderella theory. Maybe we have a chapter focusing on RSA and Cater will be the main focus or ally for that. IDK man, I'm still kind of eh on the Cinderella theory cause it makes a lot of sense but we already have Mozus being the evil stepmother. Him and Cater are from the same hometown (?) but my concern is that if Cater is a main focus and he gets connected to Mozus then Mozus would also be in the spotlight which would be odd given how nothing seems to suggest that the teachers (except Crowley) getting bigger roles in the story. However, it could always be a situation like with Farena where Mozus is there and some sort of connection is briefly discussed but he isn't important and maybe someone else takes the role of evil stepmother in the story.

   Ok idk so we're gonna go back to Cater. If the Cinderella theory is true, we gotta consider how exactly Cater represents Cinderella. Does he represent Cinderella in the way that he's twisted from her (ex. Azul & Ursula) or that he just takes the role of Cinderella for a chapter (ex. Azul & The Genie)? The fact that he uses dark magic points to it being the latter, that he really is twisted from a card soldier. However, we gotta consider 1. the nature of his unique magic 2. the plot of Cinderella. Though we know he has the ability to clone himself, we don't know how exactly this works. Are the clones identical, or do/can they have differences? In episode 1-15, the Cater clones all have slightly different responses ("はーい" "まかせて！" "おっけー♪") to getting ready to paint the roses. Given how clones don't exist in real life, it's impossible to tell whether this variation indicates actual differences in personality, is just due to the clones' slightly different experiences (like a sort of butterfly effect), or if it's just a decision by the writer so they aren't repetitive. Another thing to note is that in that same episode Cater claims that cloning himself is tiring. If this is the only source for this information, there's the possibility that it just was a lie to let him manipulate the 1st years into helping him paint. Finally, Cater's ability makes me think of Twice from BNHA. Can only the original Cater create clones? Or is he like Twice in that his clones can also make clones, therefore making it impossible for anyone, including himself, to tell who is the original?

  What I'm getting at here is the possibility of Cater having clones that 1. stick around permanently and 2. are significantly different than him. This would create the possibility of him being twisted from both the card soldiers and Cinderella, but he is able to use his clone ability to split up those aspects of himself. One Cater is the card soldier one normally walking around NRC and who has dark magic, but then there's another Cinderella Cater who has light magic. Assuming this is what is going on, it would kind of connect to his two-sided personality, where he presents his bubbly, social-media addict personality to the world but has another, depressed, more private personality underneath. 

  Now, getting into what I mentioned before about the plot of Cinderella, Cinderella normally looks like a humble servant. However, with the aid of the fairy godmother, she completely transforms herself into a breathtaking princess so she can go to the ball. However, once the clock strikes midnight, she transforms back. Basically, Cinderella has the ability of transformation, to have two completely different versions of herself. One version is her true, plain self, while the other is a flashy deception. This information strengthens what I just said about Cater's personality and clone ability.

  Actually, just going into Cater's personality for a bit (yeah, “a bit” lol)... He has a big focus on always being presentable. In his lab coat, he seems pretty desperate to hide all evidence of his true self, claiming that he just failed at putting his magic in the depressed mandrake and then hiding all his other mandrakes aside from the fun ones. This desperation is similar to Cinderella's, with how she flees the ball in a hurry once it reaches midnight so no one will see how she truly looks once the spell breaks. Now, why do Cater and Cinderella behave the way they do? I don't remember Cinderella's exact motivations for attending the ball, but wikipedia says that she had to flee the ball because if the spell broke there she could get caught by her stepmother & stepsisters. What is Cater's "ball"? Well, because of his strong social media presence, his "ball" is basically everywhere, all the time. If something happens on social media that exposes his true self, breaking his "spell", not only can other students see it, but his sisters can also see it.

  Cater hates sucking up to his older sisters, which implies that he has had to suck up to his older sisters and put up his happy front around them too. Just like how Cinderella can't afford to let her stepsisters realize her true identity at the ball, Cater can't afford to let his sisters realize his true self. It's honestly kind of sad; unlike Cinderella, whose stepsisters only showed up later in her life, Cater's older sisters have been around him and making him miserable for all of his life.

  Kinda unrelated, but looking though Cater's chats, in the one he has with Trey they talk about the Queen of Hearts and her love for sweets, Cater remarks that he wants to have tea with her too, leading Trey to say that Cater would be unable to befriend her since they're in different social classes. Isn't this basically a genderbent version of Cinderella, just a commoner, wanting to go to the ball where the Prince is? 

  Now going back to Cater's personality. Even if he does fear his sisters, that doesn't seem to fully explain his 24/7 pep and focus on being magicammable. Now, what if we say that happiness=nobility. In Cinderella, she dresses up like nobility so she can remain in the ball where the actually rich people are. What if Cater is acting happy so he can fit in with the people around him, who are naturally happy enough that they don't need to fake it? Is this a fake it until you make it situation? At the end of his ceremony robes story, after he says he's tired and doesn't care about the ceremony, he says he's just kidding and goes back to talking about the selfies he took that day. Even though he's alone and wouldn't really get hurt for dropping his performance. It gives the vibe to me that his situation is not like Jamil's, where he's fully aware he's unhappy, deliberately acts otherwise in front of others, and tries to eliminate the cause of his unhappiness. Instead, Cater is trying to eliminate his unhappiness itself. He grasps onto magicam because if he fills up his account with pictures of a happy life, it's like he's actually living a happy life.

  This idea I have of Cater trying to fit in also goes along with his focus on the current trends, like in one of his gym uniform voice lines where he panics at the idea of not knowing about a new popular game. Rather than making his own aesthetics or trends, he goes along with the crowd. Sweets and desserts are trendy? Then he'll take tons of pictures of them and say they're super delicious even if he actually hates sweet food. He disregards or evades his own preferences to create the appearance that he's just like everyone else, and he puts effort into staying up to date so he can maintain that appearance.

  Moving on, I reread his halloween outfit personal story. Something that stuck out was the end, when Cater thinks that Lilia wouldn't understand what he's going through. Specifically, Lilia wouldn't understand his 下らなくてどーしよーもない feelings. According to jisho, 下らない can mean trivial/not worth bothering with/worthless, and it can also mean stupid/absurd/silly. Then, どーしよーもない (どうしようもない)  means something that can't be helped, that has no way out of it. Doesn't this seem kind of odd? That he claims his feelings are just trivial then but also he can't help having them? Is this a contradiction? Or is it something like he believes that most people wouldn't have these silly feelings but he specifically is too weak to push past them?

  For self-esteem though, he seems to at least be trying to boost it. Like in his gym uniform story, when he decides to just clone himself and have each one run 1 lap instead of him running 5 by himself, his clones all praise him for the idea. However, this could be a fake it until you make it thing again. The praise does seem a bit heavy-handed. 

  There's also the whole thing in the 2nd part of the story where he talks about all the shallow friendships he has made. He notes that he'd rather have a casual time with people rather than get attached. That plus his family situation... means he's really never had anyone to trust. Anyway, he then goes on to talk about how magicame is amazing for helping him maintain all these casual friendships. So there we have another reason for his social media addiction: not only does it let him create a picture of happiness, he can get tons of feedback affirming his happiness and serving as proof of happiness. How can he possibly be lonely if he has so many friends?

  Both in his ceremony robes and halloween outfit stories have a moment where Cater is tired and admits he's tired but then downplays it. Yeah, the ceremony was tiring, but he got tons of great pictures out of it! Yeah, dealing with guests was rough, but at the same time all the halloween stuff was exciting! This sort of thing is a pretty common strategy for increasing the persuasiveness of an argument. By first agreeing (yes, he's tired) with the opposing view (he is not happy), he can then push his own view (he is happy) and point at his earlier concession as proof that he has looked at both sides of the issue instead of only looking for evidence of his own belief. 

 So basically what I'm getting here is that Cater Is Not Okay. Prevented from building close bonds with friends or family, he's reinforcing his isolation himself through his fervent efforts to never let anyone close and never let his mask drop. He's gone so far as to try and convince himself that he's happier than he actually is through self-deception and social media.

  Alright that’s all I got for now see ya

#twst analysis #twisted wonderland #cater diamond #twst

[jazzytriestowrite]

Can I request a hq one shot for Tsukishima? Maybe where the reader confesses to him that she likes him, but then downplay it and walk off, because she thought it'd be pointless to tell him/he wouldn't like her the same, but in reality he does like her :> tyy 💕🧡💞

Fandom; Haikyuu!!

Pairing; Tsukishima Kei X Female Reader

Synopsis; You were tired of running in circles, tired of not knowing if your best friend had liked you back or not, or if you were a fool with a one sided crush. Deciding to get it over with once and for all, you pull Tsukishima to the side and confess your silly crush to him hoping that in the end you gain a boyfriend and not a broken heart.

Warning; Fluff, well as fluffy as a Tsukishima fic can be

Word count; 2155

A/N; I have been feeling low for some time, and actually saw this request and my heart leaped. I hope you enjoy this maddi!! Hope i did this salty hoe some justice :))

☆ ~ ☆ ~ ☆ ~ ☆ ~ ☆ ~ ☆~ ☆ ~ ☆ ~ ☆ ~ ☆ ~ ☆ ~ ☆

You had to do this.

You were tired of sneaking glances at him in class, face heating up every time you were caught or the teacher called you out about it. You were tired of sitting with him at lunch and pretending like your heart didn’t hurt every time he called you his ‘friend.’ It was tiresome, and if you had to deal with being unintentionally friendzoned again, you would rip out all of your hair and move to some farmtown to live out the rest of your days hiding from society.

His constant teasing was starting to leave a huge impact on you, and instead of getting snarky like you usually got with him, you ended up going silent whenever he playfully insulted you. Now taking his playful insults more personally than ever.

You had to do this. The fear of not knowing if he liked you back or if the side glances and extra touchie gestures were nothing but him getting more comfortable with you. Being kept in the dark had only made it more frustrating. You needed to confess and see what happened after that. No matter what happened, he was still your best friend first right?

Wrong.

While you were trying to give yourself that lovely pep talk, you had finally noticed that your palms were sweating. Rubbing them together created a grimmy feeling that made your stomach turn and rumble. The sudden confidence you had earlier had vanished, and now your hands gripped the end of your skirt, shaking lightly as they fiddled with the flimsy material.

You had now stopped in your strut towards the blonde haired male, watching as he messed with his headphones, probably going to put them on and start heading home as usual. Were you going to stand here in fear, never to confess and watch as the boy you’ve liked for so long slip out of your grasp because you were too nervous and too scared to admit you had some silly crush on him?

Taking a step forward, your words died in your throat as you felt a sudden chill. Panic clawed at your throat, making you momentarily freeze. The sudden thought of being rejected flooded your mind, and now just the thought of that made it hard to breathe.

He was your best friend, yes, but who's to say he wouldn’t suddenly start ignoring you because you had made it weird between the two of them? Would you be the one to ruin such a good friendship the two of you had just because you ended up catching feelings.

While you kept tearing yourself down, making it seem like there wasn’t any hope, a small flicker of hopefulness filled your heart. The ‘what if’ he did like you backs filled your mind, drowning out the raging negativeness that seemed to overflow your brain.

What was the point in all these ‘what if’s?’ Why not just figure it out and then go from there, in the end, admitting your feelings to someone wasn’t a crime, and sure as hell shouldn’t end a good friendship the two of you had built if it was a genuine one.

“Tsukishima!’’ You call out, breath catching in your throat as you watched him whip his head in your direction, a scowl already sitting on his face. Walking towards him, you gripped your bag tightly in your hands, making confident steps towards the tall male.

Looking down upon you, Tsukishima didn’t look too impressed to see you standing in front of him. Or maybe he did? You could never tell because he either had a scowl on his face or a teasing grin, and both you didn’t like in the slightest.

“What is it y/n, if you couldn’t tell, I was trying to leave this hellhole and go home for some peace and quiet” He says bluntly, golden eyes staring you down as the height difference between you two became more apparent than ever. His tone was the usual annoying one, the one where it made it feel like you were bothering him.

Gripping your bag tighter, you open your mouth to say something but instead end up closing it with nothing coming out. The panic was still there yes, but standing in front of him right had made it more real now that it was really happening. Shifting back and forth on your feet, you looked everywhere but his eyes now, knowing you wouldn’t be able to tell him when his unwavering gaze was on you.

That was your first mistake, showing him such a panicky side of you would only make him more interested in what you had to say, and that was a known fact. Now instead of looking at you with disinterest, he now had a shit eating grin on his face. His whole demeanor changed in a second, taking your moment of weakness lightly and in his favor. He was now interested. It was easy to see.

His hand now rested on his hip and he leaned in closer to you, wanting you to spit out whatever you had to say to him. He had even stopped messing with his headphones. His attention was now all on you, and you didn’t like it.

“Come on cupcake, by now I could have been halfway home”

His words were playful and provoking. You knew it was too late to go back, he already knew something was up, and giving him some lame excuse or telling him nevermind would surely make him angry.

Taking a deep breath, you looked up and met his golden eyes once more, trying not to get sucked into the beauty of them. He was always handsome when he grinned at you, since it was so different from the scowl he gave everyone else.

“Any Day now, I believe I’ve aged a few years standing here like a fool”

“I LIKE YOU OKAY”

You blurt out, his previous statement making you just spit it out. It had felt good to finally say it, but it also made you cringe when you realized you yelled. What made it worse was when you noticed that a few students had stopped their chatter and walking, stopping to look at you who had created a scene.

Rubbing the back of your neck, you continue your previous statement. ‘’I like you, way more than friends. You are very annoying and half the time punching you seems like the greatest idea in the world. Despite your often teasing, I’ve come to like your annoying, weird, dino loving ass and keeping it to myself has been tough. I just want to let you know how I feel, in the hopes that you like-”

You had paused in your mini rant when your eyes met his again, searching his face for any changes. You had been able to catch the flicker of shock that had crossed his features, but it had changed to his usual shit eating grin again. That grin had made you nervous once more, making your heart close up and your words die in your throat.

‘’You know what” You take a step back, letting your eyes fall to the ground in shame. “April fools, bet I got you huh” Your voice didn’t match your words, and instead of your usual upbeat voice, it was replaced with a sad tone, a tone on the verge of tears. “I’m a good prankster I know”

The silence that you were met with only fueled your now aching heart. ‘’I gotta go’’ You say, turning around and walking away before you not only embarrassed yourself more, like crying in front of a guy who would definitely make fun of you for it.

You felt a hand grab your wrist, and before you could shake it off, you were turned around abruptly, head almost falling off your neck at the sudden force. Stumbling towards the male who had pulled you back, your teary eyes met Tsukishima’s once more. A silent ‘what’ being communicated through your expression.

You watched as he leaned in, so close you felt your face burn painfully now that you could feel his soft breath on you. One of his hands came up and was placed on your cheek, softly caressing the soft flesh. His eyes were filled with an emotion you had never seen before on him, and that took your breath away.

The sunlight had perfectly hit his features, making his golden blonde hair look gorgeous in this lighting. The light breeze helped in his favor, blowing it in the wind to add an extra effect to this moment. His large hand caressing your cheek had made you flustered, along with the look he was giving you. How he had to slightly bend to reach your height added some magic to it.

“You idiot, I had thought I was being perfectly clear with the hints I was dropping. Don’t be scared y/n, I’ve liked you for a while too, and while I may be very annoying, you probably didn’t notice that I ONLY act that way with you.’’ He paused, gazing into your eyes for a few more seconds. “y/n, you can stop being so nervous now” One hand now rested at your hip, holding you in place.

Was this some sort of dream? Her crush just admitted he liked her back and was also acting all cute instead of douche. The new unknown side he was showing you had made your heart race, and for a while you couldn’t even think of something to say. Instead your mind was filled with happiness. He wasn’t that much of a jerk after all.

The way he stared at you like you were the only girl here made you feel special. The way he was publicly grabbing you without being ashamed of what someone else seeing had also made your heart flutter. Maybe Tsukishima could be that hot guy who showed his true feelings to someone he liked, someone who deserved his attention.

“Ow” Your hands fly up to your forehead, your body stepping back and ripping yourself from his embrace. While you had thought the two of you were having a moment, he had decided that your lovey dovey time was over and flicked your forehead with a bit of too much force.

Laughing, his shit eating grin was back. “Idiot, acting all nervous and stuff like I was going to reject someone like you’’ It had sounded like an insult, but listening in closer you heard the compliment amidst it.

Opening and closing your mouth, you watched as he rolled his eyes at you. “Let's not stand here any longer, we should get walking. And maybe, just maybe we can stop and get some snacks” He says, using your shock to slip his big hand into your tiny one. He didn’t give you a chance to notice, instead tugging you so you would start walking.

And god, if you had pointed it out he would have surely blushed at being caught trying to be smooth.

In the end, you hadn’t cared enough to point it out. Instead, you silently agreed to his previous statement. The toll of being stressed out and worried had finally worn off, happiness filling your insides. You had claimed yourself a salty french fry, YOUR salty french fry. Nothing felt better than this.

Tsukishima walked, hand in hand with you in silence. The silence wasn’t uncomfortable, it was a mutual silence that felt good. The two of them needing the time to comprehend everything that happened in such a small amount of time.

Since your eyes were averted, he finally dropped his shit eating grin, a real genuine smile replacing it instead. It might sound weird, but he wasn’t just some cocky bastard who had no feelings. He was a human being who had crushes as well.

And as he watched your big grin as your eyes stared off ahead had made him feel butterflies in his stomach. He had liked you for some time, but he himself wasn’t brave enough to say something and opted to drop crazy hints instead. While that didn’t work, he still got himself a girlfriend in the end.

Watching you be happy about being with someone like him amazed him. How you lightly swayed their intertwined hands was making him feel some kind of way, a feeling he wasn’t used to. You were the prettiest girl in the world to him, and just the thought of someone like you liking him back made him feel good.

He had liked you so much, and now that he was able to act on his feelings, he would be sure to give you hell.

He was, after all, Tsukishima Kei, the saltiest human to exist.

“Also, It’s march, not April you fool.”

#tsukishima x reader #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu imagines #tsukishima kei x reader #fluff

[1987vampire]

Need A Moment

Fandom: Peaky Blinders Relationship: John Shelby x reader Word Count: 1847 Warnings: cussing, alcohol, splash of sadness Request: none, just ain’t been writing in a bit.  A/N: I’ve missed writing...this is nice. Wanna do a Finn Shelby imagine too and an Isaiah Jesus one if I can think of something. If y’all want, send in a song and a character you’d like to see an imagine based off of. (specifically Peaky Blinders if u can) Extra:

The song this was inspired by

John Shelby was a mystery altogether. Of course, everyone knew of him; it would be dumb to think anything other than that as he was a Peaky Blinder, after all. However, nobody knew him. How could you. Even with the family’s very public lives, on both the legal and illegal sides of life, they were very private.  

Their roles were very simple in the people’s minds. Tommy Shelby, though not the oldest, was the leader of the Shelby brothers. Nobody could argue against Tommy. He got what he wanted, no matter the cost. Arthur Shelby was the oldest and arguably the funniest of the group, though he had a temper like no other. He was a killer, but he was probably one of the sweetest out of the siblings. Finn Shelby was the youngest, but people knew not to mess with him. No matter how much you could see his family making fun of him, if anyone else said anything mildly rude, they would find themselves in boiling water. Quite a few had gone missing only for rumors to come out that they had said something to Finn Shelby. Polly and Ada were the least known about out of the family. As the women, everyone knew they also weren’t to be messed with, but they also knew that it wouldn’t be the boys to attack if something went wrong. Polly and Ada may have been seen as feminine figures, but they fought harder than any boy the town had seen.  

That left John Shelby. People thought they knew John the most out of the family, but they were wrong. John was someone who held himself in a way that made him seem consistently relaxed, happy even. But if someone paid even the slightest bit more attention, they would notice that it was a façade. Hell, at least his family hid it a bit better than him. He just seemed tired.  

The poor boy had been through a lot in his short life, and I pitied him just a bit. His wife had died a short while back while he was still in the war, and he seemed to be coming to the bar more and more. As I worked behind the counter, I watched him. Normally, he would go to a back room with his family, or he would at least sit far off into a corner, but tonight, he was in front of the counter. His head was pressed against the cool countertop as he mumbled quietly to himself. His façade was slipping.  

The pub had begun clearing out about an hour ago, and now all that was left were a few bums that didn’t have a home to go to and the drunkards that couldn’t walk by themselves. John hadn’t seemed to notice, and if he had, he didn’t care.  

I pitied him, really. I couldn’t imagine living the life he did. The war would have been enough to make me go mental if the stories I heard were right, but the life of a gangster. The constant thought of someone coming after you looming over your shoulder constantly. Being ordered around by your family to do whatever they wanted. The pure idea of never having full control of your life. Well, it was enough to drive someone insane.  

Harry placed his hand on my shoulder as he walked by, whispering that I needed to wipe off the counters and he would get the others out. I nodded and took a cleaning rag from under the counter, soaking it in soap and water before running it across the surface, trying to keep a decent distance away from John’s head.  

He still hadn’t come around, even as Harry ended up having to literally throw out one of the homeless men. Instead, John kept mumbling to himself. I could faintly hear something about his children, and for the first time in about an hour, he tapped his glass on the counter, signaling he wanted another drink.  

I looked up at Harry who nodded to me as he began stacking chairs on the table. Even with the confirmation to give John a drink, I didn’t want to. He had drunken more than three-fourths of a bottle of whiskey. He probably couldn’t even lift his head to drink it.  

John tapped his glass again, and I took the glass from his hand, filling it with water instead. I could deal with his anger if he lashed out for it.  

“You doin’ okay there, John,” Harry questioned, stacking another chair.  

I placed the glass in John’s open hand as he responded. “I’m just fine, Harry,” he mumbled, lifting his head and knocking back the shot. I watched as he waited for the burn to hit, but when it never did, he gave me a confused look. “Oi, what was that,” he questioned, not anger but rather confusion filling his voice.  

“Water,” I responded, placing a full glass of it in front of him. “You need to drink some, John.” This was a bold action considering I had never even talked to the boy before with the exception of taking his order.

John stared at the glass for a second before sighing and bringing it to his lips. “Yeah, whatever,” he mumbled. He took a few gulps, downing half the glass in a few seconds before wiping his mouth against the sleeve of his suit. I shook my head and handed him a few napkins before continuing to clean the counter.

Harry came up behind me again, this time moving to the register where I watched him count the bills quickly. He had done it so many times, it was practically second nature to him. He knew how much the pub needed to run and give change. The rest would be going into a bank account. He used to place it in a vault hidden in the floorboards, but everything in it had been stolen a few too many times, so he switched.  

“Can you close up for me tonight, y/n,” Harry questioned loudly before leaning down to whisper in my ear. “I don’t really want to leave you with John, but he seems quiet today, and I got a date at a restaurant a bit away. Remember Mrs. Shelly? It’s her.”

“I got this,” I responded, patting his shoulder. “I’ll make sure everything's locked up, and I won’t be here much longer. Make sure to have fun.”

Harry chuckled a bit. “I’ll be having a bit more than fun.”

I rolled my eyes and shoved him playfully. He left with a little pep in his step and a hum in his voice. Then, my attention was diverted to John. I had to get him out somehow, but I wasn’t even sure he could walk.  

I took the now empty glass from in front of him and watched as his glazed over eyes stared at the wall across from him. What could he possibly be thinking about?  

“John,” I began, fishing the keys from under the counter. “What’s wrong? You don’t really have to tell me, but I don’t like seeing people so down.”  

John blinked a few times before looking at me, and I realized he wasn’t staring absentmindedly, he was crying. I paused, not knowing what to do as he wiped his hand across his face, obviously trying to hide it.  

“Oh, god, did I say something wrong? I’m sorry!”  

John shook his head, laughing a bit. I suppose that was a good sign. “No, I just-” He swallowed harshly before he let out a loud sob. “Gimme a second.”  

I waited, as he had instructed me to do, but his crying didn’t seem to be slowing down. “Is there anything I can do?”

John shook his head. “I need a moment. I didn’t mean to do this, especially in front of a pretty girl like you.”  

I chuckled a bit. “I don’t think this is the best time to flirt, John.”

He laughed too. “This is the perfect time,” he joked, wiping his eyes again. His face was blotchy from his crying, but he still looked so cute. I never thought that I would see someone as beautiful as him, but here he was, crying in the pub I was closing.

“John,” I spoke as he settled down. “You don’t have to talk to me if you don’t want to. I mean, we’ve only known each other for a bit. But, well, whenever I have a good cry, I find it’s best to talk to someone to let it all out. I mean, normally it’s Harry I vent to because he’s one of the only people I know, but -”

John cut me off with another laugh, and he took off his cap, placing it on the counter. “I get it, I promise. Come sit over here, and maybe, I’ll rant a bit.”  

And he did rant for nearly an hour, and we both got drunk off the cheap kind of whiskey, and I got to know John Shelby more than I ever thought I would. He was stressed, so stressed, and he felt underappreciated. He wanted somebody to listen for once, and he was scared he wouldn’t be a good father. He feared a lot of things. For someone who seemed so happy all the time, he had a lot of built up emotion.

By the end of the night, we were both holding onto each other for dear life as we made our way down the cobbled street. I had successfully locked up everything that needed to be, and John had suggested taking me home. I had responded that he couldn’t walk himself home with how much alcohol he had in his system. He mumbled something about his kids, and we had both agreed to stay at his house for the night. He didn’t want to leave me alone, but he couldn’t make it five feet without me holding him steady.  

The walk seemed to take barely any time at all, but that might have been because we were laughing the whole time. At one point, we had both ended up on the grimy, cobblestone path after he had jokingly pushed me away after I made a dirty joke. I fell over onto the ground, pulling him down with me without thinking about it.  

By the time we made it back to his house, I could see the sun rising, and I was dead tired. His house was nice, a bit dirty with all the kids running around, but it was something I could see myself living in.  

“This is a nice home,” I said, running my hand along the couch. I could see toys stuffed haphazardly under the coffee table.  

John grinned from where he was leaned against the door. “I’m glad you think so.”  

I stumbled a bit as I walked back towards him. “I’ll sleep on the couch, if that’s okay.”  

John shook his head. “You can take my bed. I couldn’t let you sleep there. It’s fuckin’ shit, it is. Slept on it once and my back was fucked for weeks.”  

“Well, then, why would I let you sleep there? I don’t want your back to be hurt!” I giggled and leaned into him, wrapping my arms around his neck. “That wouldn’t be very good, would it?” My breath fanned across his neck, and John shivered.  

“Well, I think I have the best idea yet. We can both sleep in the bed.” John leaned back again before leaning forward and kissing me. I reciprocated quickly, but it was a languid kind of kiss that had me melting into him. I’ve never kissed someone let alone gone home with someone this soon into knowing them, but John was different. I felt like I could trust him.  

I pressed my forehead to his shoulder again and sighed. I was tired. Working in the bar took a lot out of me and getting drunk certainly didn’t help.  

John seemed tired too, and we both stumbled around the apartment before falling into his bedroom and directly onto his bed. I barely had the sense of mind to take off my shoes before promptly falling asleep.  

I couldn’t deny that waking up the next day beside a half-naked John Shelby was the best morning I had in a while, even when two of his daughters came running in, yelling about the night they had at Polly’s. The happiness only intensified when John woke up and turned, pressing his lips to my cheek and asking me if I’d like to have lunch with him. Sober.  

#john shelby #john shelby x reader #john shelby imagine #peaky blinders #peaky fookin blinders #peaky blinders x reader #john shelby fic

[give-me-back-my-rhodey]

Seeing Through the Masks - AUgust Day 18

Title: Seeing Through the Masks

Author: Purple_ducky00

Rating: Teen

Warnings: N/A

Card number: 016

Square Filled: Obadiah Stane of the @tonystarkbingo flash card

Pair: Bucky/Tony; background Steve/Sam/Sharon

Link: Read on AO3

Summary: Bucky is hired to be Tony Stark's bodyguard. Once annoyed by his task, he starts to see the real Tony Stark behind all the masks he wears

+++++++

Bucky groans. It’s only his second day working for Stark, and he’s ready to quit. As Stark’s bodyguard, he’s supposed to get a daily schedule and be updated if anything changes. This is the third time today that Stark changed the schedule and didn’t inform him.

 Stark is abrasive, unfriendly, and unable to shut up at all times. When Pepper brought Bucky down to Stark’s workshop to meet him, Stark went on a rant to her about how he doesn’t need a bodyguard, and the bodyguard will only get in his way.

 Pepper firmly told him “You need a bodyguard. The Board implemented it.”

 “Did they forget that I own more than half the shares?” Stark demanded. “And that I’m the fucking CEO? Without me and you, this business might not go anywhere?”

“Mr. Stark. Just humor the Board on this one. I know you think you’re invincible, but the truth is, none of us want to see you get hurt.” Pepper had said softly, and Stark acquiesced.

  He looked at Bucky and said. “Fine, but you do not get in my way at any time. Pepper, did you give him an NDA? I don’t want any of my plans stolen. I don’t know why you didn’t just tell Happy to guard me like before.”

 “You made Happy your driver,” Pepper reminds. “And now he’s the head of security at SI. Do you really want to downgrade him? And yes, I gave Mr. Barnes an NDA to sign, which he did. Do you think I’m an idiot?”

 “No. No.  Ok thank you, Miss Potts. I will call you if I need you. Barnes, is it? Just stand there and don’t get in my way.” Tony had dismissed them as he went back to his work.

 Mouthing the word ‘sorry’, Miss Potts led Bucky to the door. “So, we’ll get you a key card and everything. I’ll have Tony put a code for you on this door. I’m sorry. He’s prickly at first, but I’m sure he’ll warm up to you.”

 Now, Bucky just wants to strangle the man. Stark is talking to his CFO, Obadiah Stane. “No, it’s not going to work that way. Obie, Obie, listen to me. I know how these things work, trust me. You know Dad would have told you the same thing. I will take care of it, Obie. Leave it to me.”

 Stane gives Bucky the creeps. Something about him just seems… off. But Bucky grits his teeth at the arrogant tone in Stark’s voice. The call hangs out, and the man turns to him. “You, come help me with this.”

 Fighting the urge to roll his eyes, Bucky walks up to Stark. “What do you want me to do?”

 “Hold up this piece of metal here. I’d ask the bots to do it, but they’d probably drop it, those little terrors.” He grins. Bucky’s not sure where Stark stands with the bots. He’s always insulting them, but he never gets rid of them. Bucky holds up the sheet of metal while the billionaire does a few experiments on it.

 In the end, Stark shakes his head and groans. “Won’t work. I told him.” Realizing that Bucky is still there, holding the metal, he waves at him. “Go ahead and put it down. I have to scrap it.”

 Bucky puts down the metal and walks back to his place by the wall. Stark ignores him for the rest of the day. Soon enough, it’s nighttime, and Tony dismisses him as he will not be going out tonight. Miss Potts thanks him for his work for the day and hands him the key card and badge that he will need going forward. He nods and walks out of the house.

 Meeting Steve, Sam, and Sharon at a restaurant, Bucky does not eat dinner until close to 930. Sam asks him about his new job, and Steve rolls his eyes. “No, you don’t wan…”

 “My new job?” Bucky smiles sharply, all teeth. “Let’s just say, it’s a good thing it pays well. Very well. My employer doesn’t even want me there, is an arrogant jerk 99.99999999% percent of the time, and doesn’t know how to treat anyone well, other than himself. It’s so fun.”

 Sam widens his eyes. “Wow. Sounds like you should just quit.”

 “Can’t. I’m under a year’s contract. I guess that’s how they trap the people in this job. Major lawsuits against me if I just quit.”

Sharon leans forward. “So, who’s your employer or is that classified as well?”

 “Tony Stark. And let me tell you, he is a pain in my ass.”

 +++++++

Bucky notices a few differences in Stark’s treatment of people… and things. Miss Potts, he treated with the utmost respect. They banter back and forth, and he usually is quick to give in to her demands. Stark has a voice in his ceiling. A learning AI, the genius had told him. Stark treats this voice like a friend or something. He’ll have full conversations with the voice. Bucky thinks it’s weird, but Stark is ‘eccentric’ right?

 He meets Colonel Rhodes within the first month of his job. He is unprepared for the pure, unadulterated joy he sees on Stark’s face when Rhodes walks through the door.

 “Rhodey!” Stark cries and runs over to hug the man. “How was the flight back? Do you need sleep? What’s on the docket for your leave?”

 Bucky just stares at the expressiveness of Stark’s face. Of all the days Bucky has escorted Stark around the city, and of all the people Stark has talked to, Bucky has never seen Stark drop his guard so much as he does right now. Rhodes, Bucky notices, hugs his friend right back. “I’m going to need some rest, Tones, then we can do whatever. Hey DUME, hey U, hey B, how are you guys?” Rhodes pats each of the bots. They beep happily back at him. He notices Bucky for the first time. “Um, Tones? Who’s this?”

 “Oh. Bodyguard.” Tony crosses his arms, defenses rising once again. “The fucking Board and Pepper strong=armed me into keeping this one. Apparently, they don’t want to see me hurt or some shit.”

 “Hi, James Rhodes. Nice to meet you.” Rhodes walks over to Bucky and extends his hand.

 Bucky shakes it. “James Barnes. Likewise. Can you make sure Mr. Stark updates me when he decides to leave the premises? I’d hate to get in trouble with Miss Potts if I lose him again.”

 “I’m right here.” Stark snaps.

 Rhodes chuckles. “But would you listen? Come on, Tones. You don’t want him to face Pepper’s wrath, do you? You know she’ll probably aim it at you, too.” Wrapping his arm around the smaller man’s shoulders, Rhodes leads him out of the workshop. Bucky trails behind at a slower pace.

 ++++++

Stark warms up to him over time.  He brings Bucky to red carpet events and galas. He makes sure to inform him when he’s going off schedule. Stark also lets him know when he’s taking home a bed companion or two. Bucky is happy he doesn’t have to stay inside the room when Stark has sex. Bucky had accidentally gotten an eyeful once before, and he wishes he could scrub the view out of his mind. It doesn’t help that Stark’s ass is perfect. He has to stop thinking about this!

 Apparently, when Tony gets comfortable with you, he flirts with you a lot. Now Bucky wouldn’t mind, except that he is incredibly gay, and Stark is terribly attractive. Bucky once fantasized wiping the grease off of his face the one-time Tony had emerged from under his Roadster, eyes sparkling. This is not good.

 Pepper must have noticed his discomfort and tells him. “If you want him to knock it off, just tell him. He'll understand.”

 “No, I don’t really mind,” Bucky admits. “I just have to stop myself from flirting back.”

 She shrugs. “As long as it’s just simple flirting, and nothing comes of it, I’m sure you'll be fine. He'll probably like you better.”

 “As long as I have your permission.” Bucky smiles. This job might have just gotten a lot easier.

 The next time Bucky meets up with his friends, they ask about his job. “I may have exaggerated last time.” He ducks his head, sheepish. “I don’t know if I’ve just gotten used to him, or what, but Tony isn’t so bad, you know?”

 “Oh, so he’s Tony now?” Sharon grins. “What happened?”

“I don’t know. But I think a lot of the problems I had with him were personas he thinks he has to live up to. When he’s alone in his workshop, he’s almost magical. The stuff that he can make is amazing, even if they end up being weapons of mass destruction. I don’t really like that. When he’s with Miss Potts or his friend Colonel Rhodes or even ugh Stane – I do not like that guy, he’s always so… open and relaxed. It’s almost as if he feels like he can be himself.  Then, when he’s around other people, at least one wall comes up. When he’s at a gala, he’s in an unbreakable safe. You can’t reach the real him, no matter how hard you try. It’s kind of sad that he has to do that.”

 “I think he’s just an asshole who can only be nice to the few people he actually likes.” Steve crosses his arms.

 Sam gives him a look. “Once again, Steve. Do you know the man?”

 “No, but.”

 “Why are you judging?” Sam glares, and Bucky chuckles. Sam knows how to give Steve a reality check.

 Sharon shakes her head at her boyfriends. She turns to Bucky. “What’s he like around you?”

 “He usually just kind of forgets I’m there when we’re in the workshop, but I don’t think he completely trusts me still. When he’s sleep-deprived, though, he likes to flirt with me.” Bucky grimaces. “Sometimes, I like it a little too much.”

 “Don’t tell me you’re crushing on Stark.” Steve groans.

 “Since he seems to be a topic of arguments, how about we just stop talking about Tony?” Bucky suggests. “Steve, how’s your art commission coming along?”

 Steve launches into his explanation on what he’s doing, and Bucky zones out. Does he really have a crush on his employer? How is that a good thing?

 ++++++

One day, Tony grabs Bucky by the arm. “We’re skipping out of the awards show or whatever Pep has planned for me tonight. I hate them. How about we go to the new casino instead?”

“Mr. Stark.” “Tony.” “Tony, you have to fly out to Afghanistan the next day. A late night at the casino isn’t going to help you. By the way, I still think I should accompany you to Afghanistan. I did fight over there, you know.” This was an argument that kept coming up.

 “Pshh, what do you know? I’ve been doing this since I was 16. I’ll be fine.” Tony brushes him off. “If you’re not going to go, I’m asking Happy.”

 “I’ll go, but you’re going to shield me if Miss Potts tries to kill me.” Bucky relents.

 Tony gives him a side eye. “Bold of you to think she won’t just kill me. And also, aren’t you supposed to be my bodyguard? Where I go, you go?”

 “So, why shouldn’t I accompany you to Afghanistan?” Bucky mentally cheers. He doesn’t usually one-up Tony.

 Tony pats his cheek. “I have Rhodey and plenty of Army and Air Force personnel there to protect me if something goes wrong. You should be happy; you have a few days off.”

 Bucky and Happy both accompany Tony to the casino. Happy sticks by Tony’s side while Bucky fades into the background. He watches as Rhodey comes from the awards show with an award for Tony. Tony apologizes and promises to be ready for the flight tomorrow. Rhodey leaves and Tony hands off his award to a Caesar cosplayer. Bucky’s heart wrenches as it does every time Tony picks up someone for a roll in the bed. He follows Happy home in his own car, checks the perimeter, makes sure everything is ok, and goes home for the weekend. Tony is right; he’ll finally have some extra time.

 ++++++

Bucky is bowling with Sam, Steve, and Sharon again when Rhodey calls him. Thinking Tony is coming home a day early, he excuses himself and answers the phone. “Hey Rhodey.”

 “Bucky.” Rhodey’s voice comes over the speaker. “Are you sitting down?”

 “No, but I can. Is something wrong?” His body fills with dread. He should have been over in Afghanistan.

 Rhodey sighs a ragged breath. “Tony, he, uh…. The convoy Tony was in got attacked. He definitely survived the attack, but they must have taken him. We don’t know where he is.”

 “No. no. You’re lying.” Bucky accuses. “I should have been there. I should have told Tony I was going with him, no matter what. This is…”

 “Not your fault.” Rhodey interrupts. “This is not your fault at all. We should never have had Tony there in a hotspot to begin with.”

 “Are – do you have people looking for him?” Bucky asks.

 “Of course, we do.”

 Bucky trembles. “It won’t be enough. Rhodey, let me come. Let me come and find him. I need him. Let me…”

 “Bucky, you know I can’t do that. “Rhodey sighs. “I know he means a lot to you. He means a lot to me, too. I’m not going to stop until I find him. I promise you, Bucky. I promise.”

 Bucky hits end call and sinks to the ground. What is he going to do now? Sharon notices his position and runs over to him. “Bucky! Get up, are you ok?”

 “No. Tony, he’s….” Bucky breaks down into tears.

 “Shh, It’s ok honey. Let’s get you to a real chair.” She takes his shoulders and leads him to their lane. “Just sit here. You’ll be ok.”

 Sam and Steve notice that he’s crying. “Shit. What happened, Shar?” Sam asks.

 “Something with Tony Stark. Bucky can’t finish his sentence. It must be pretty bad.”

 They take him home, and when his shock wears off, he tells them what Rhodey said. “I think I love him. And the bastard has to go get himself kidnapped.” He scoffs, wiping away tears from his eyes. “I don’t even know what I’m going to do tomorrow.”

 ++++++++

Three months pass. Bucky is just going through the motions. Serving as Pepper’s bodyguard, Bucky accompanies her to all her meetings and outings. He breaks down in tears once again when he gets the call that they found Tony. Accompanying Pepper to the airport, he refrains from embracing Tony and never letting him go. Instead, he tells Tony that a three-month long vacation is long enough.

 When they get in the car, Tony tells Happy to get him a cheeseburger and Pepper to call a press conference. Bucky sees a new resolve in Tony’s eyes that he never saw before. Tony tells the press that he’s shutting down weapons manufacturing. Bucky is happy. Bombs only caused more destruction.  That was one thing he hated about the army. Rhodey, on the other hand, is pissed. He tells Tony that he needs to rest and relax.

 Stane tells Tony to sit back and let him take care of all the PR. Bucky is always skeeved out about that guy. Tony obeys him and works on creating a flying suit. He tells Bucky he doesn’t know who to trust so he’s keeping it all private. Bucky is honored that Tony trusts him. IT takes a week or two for Tony to get everything working right, and once he masters the technique, he takes it out for a test drive. He returns not even an hour later, crashing through the ceiling. “Needs a few adjustments.” He pants.

 Bucky watches silently as Tony talks with JARVIS about changing a material for the suit, and the colors he should paint it. Tony’s focus is taken away by a reporter on TV, talking about the annual Firefighters Ball, hosted by Tony Stark. “Hmm… did we get an invitation to that, J?”

 Not to my knowledge, Sir.

 Tony tells JARVIS to fabricate and paint the new suit. “Don’t wait up.” He tells the AI. Nodding to Bucky, he asks, “Coming?”

 They quickly change and arrive at the gala in no time. Obadiah sees Tony and reminds him that he was supposed to lay low. Tony tells him that he just needed to get out. As per their normal gala routine, Tony goes to the bar while Bucky fades into the crowd. He notices the guy from Strategic Homeland Intervention Enforcement and Logistics Division approaches Tony. Tony seems preoccupied. He takes a sip of his Scotch, shakes the agent’s hand, and makes his way toward… Bucky?

 “Care to dance?” Tony asks him. Bucky can’t say no. They dance for a little while until Tony asks Bucky if he’d like some air. The go out on the roof, talking about anything and everything. Things get said, an almost kiss happens, and Tony goes back to the bar to get them drinks.

 He’s gone for a long while, and Bucky goes to find him. He’s on the steps of the hall, talking to Stane. He’s not happy. Stane leans in closely and says something quietly and moves away, waving at Tony. Tony signals at Bucky to leave, and they drive back to Tony’s house in silence.

 Tony spends the next day watching feed of reporter talking about a town called Gulmira. He is not happy. He sends Bucky upstairs for something, and when Bucky comes back down, he is gone. Bucky groans, knowing all too well what Tony is doing. The military won’t take this happily.

 After almost getting shot out of the sky by the US Air Force, Tony returns home. His suit pinches and he takes a little while to come apart. He sends Pepper to get some files off his computer. Telling Bucky that he won’t be going out anymore tonight, he sends his bodyguard home. Bucky leaves five minutes too early. Stane attacks tony, paralyzing him and taking his arc reactor.

 Pepper calls Bucky, asking him where Tony is. “He’s not picking up his phone, and I’m afraid Stane is trying to hurt him. Can you go back and check on him? I called Rhodey, too.”

 Bucky makes a quick U-turn and heads back to Tony’s mansion. Rhodey is already there, helping Tony into his suit. “No time for arguments. I got to go.” Tony says and flies up out of the hole in the ceiling.

 In the end, Tony saves the day. Obadiah is killed, and Tony barely survives. Bucky runs up to him and kisses him fully on the lips. “I’m sorry if this makes things awkward, but never scare me like that again.”

 Tony kisses back with the energy of a man reaching a near-death experience. “I guess that means I have to quit now.” Bucky laughs.

 “No, I’ll just move you to Pepper. I don’t need a bodyguard anymore. I have my suit, you know?” Tony hugs him. “We’re gonna be alright.”

#winteriron #background samstevesharon #bodyguard au #buckytony #au_gust_2020 #i write! #tonystarkbingo #tonystarkbingo2020

[shittyfandomimagines]

Going, Going, Gone 2

Word count: 2,210

So like fluff?? Idk. Angst??? Idk

(Big creds to owner of GIF)

I always have that buzz of energy right after sound check, it just meant that we’re really close to going on. We can hear all the shuffling of the fans getting close to the stage. It felt great knowing that these people were here for me.

The camera crew just left after we showed them our pre-show ritual and what we keep in our dressing rooms. They heard us give each other pep talks and all, they had what they wanted.

“Where’s y/n? She’s usually here for us before everyone goes on.” Ashton points out and I didn’t even stop for a second to think about where she was. In my heart, I was a little nervous about us, mostly because we kind of had an unspoken rule that she’d always be at the shows just because she cares for my career. So I don’t know why I let the next words fall out of my mouth, “who cares where she is.”

All the guys gave me a harsh look and shook their heads. “If you don’t love her anymore, do not do this to her. Don’t drag her along across the world and make her feel like a burden. She’s the sweetest person and you’re acting like she is the biggest problem in the world.” Luke scolds and I raise my eyebrows.

“I do love her,” I state and they all get really quiet. It was starting to make me nervous, how their eyes just screamed that I was wrong.

“Guys, of course, I love y/n. She’s the best thing that has happened to me. Ever. She’s the best person in my life beside you guys. C’mon, you can’t be serious.” I anxiously lean forward and start biting my nails.

“You haven’t really acted like it recently Cal, but we can’t see inside your heart or mind. Just let her know sometimes.” Michael soothes and I nod, laying myself back against the couch.

I just want her here now, just so I could hold her in my arms and do what our ritual was when she first got here. God, I’ve treated her so bad.

It’s us though, we always build ourselves back up.

——

“That was a fucking amazing show!” Ashton came running down the hall that led backstage. “They’re so fucking loud. I love it.” Luke followed behind him and I was the last one to go.

I look around to see that y/n was nowhere to be seen. She must have been so pissed, I don’t think there was ever a fight that she decided was bad enough to miss a show. I started to feel all the guilt bubble inside of my stomach.

“Drinks tonight, guys?” Ashton asks and I shake my head no. “I’m gonna spend some time with y/n,” I say but everyone else says they’re going. “Make sure to clean up your messes.” Luke winked and I shoved his shoulder, a small smile on my face.

The walk to the bus felt long and lonely, everyone else went a different way as they had cars ready to take them to a club or somewhere.

When I enter the bus, it felt so empty and weird. When I leaned down to look in our bunk, she wasn’t in there, I saw a piece of paper but I assumed it was a schedule. I went the extra bunk to look and she wasn’t in there either. I started to feel panic rise in my chest, my breathing becoming distorted.

I frantically look in the little area where clothes go and it was empty. I check the bathroom and all of her personal products where gone. No, no, no.

I run back to the front of the bus and step out, my body colliding with someone else’s. My first hope was that it was her.

“Mitch? What are you doing here? They’re about to go out.” I say and try to remain calm.

“I knew that y/n was leaving.” He said it like he was scared. “What?” I ask harshly and he takes a step back. “She was talking to Jake about canceling her flight and hotel rooms for good, so I asked her about it. She said she didn’t want it to affect the show.” He explains and I run my hands through my hair.

“You didn’t tell me sooner?” I cross my arms and he just sighed. “Cal, she was so sad and I could see the tears. She just needed me to be quiet and I respected that.” He says calmly and I wanted to fucking cry too. “Did she say where she was going?” I ask and he nods. “Said she was going to her sister's house, I didn’t think it was that big of a deal.” He says and that’s what makes me turn completely cold and nauseous.

Whenever she needed a break from us or just the world, she always went to her hometown to see her sister. She felt like it was the best therapy. I had realized a long time ago that she went there when she needed a big change in her life. What if she is done with me? She’s going to her sister's house and trying to make a change. Oh god. Don’t panic, don’t panic.

Before I knew it, I was throwing up beside the bus. The guilt and pain had literally caused me to vomit. Mitch was rubbing my back soothingly and I shakily stand back up. “I’ve got to go to the airport. We have a few days off, right?” I ask and he nods slowly. “Cal, I called the cab before you came out of the bus, they should be here soon,” Mitch says and runs my shoulder a little.

—-

The cab drive to the airport felt like a million years, mostly because I was thinking of how she’s probably already in her hometown. So when he got close to the doors, I was already one foot out the door.

I hastily find a desk and ask her where I can find the city, I had to show her the name from my phone. She points me in the direction and I nod quickly.

I was literally running to her zone of the airport, I see her blue highlights from where I was at. She was sitting alone, no one else was in this section. She was the only one going on this flight. Thank god she was still here.

“Babe,” I say and she turns to look at me. I see her bloodshot eyes and tear stains. “Calum, please just go away. I don’t want to talk about it right now.” She waves me off and my heart breaks. I get in front of her and squat down to her level.

“Baby, why are you leaving? You know that I understand what it means when you are going to your sisters.” I sniffle, she just looks straight through me. “Because you don’t love me and I’m not going to stay here for someone who doesn’t care. I’m tired of being here and in this position.” She says so calmly that it made me nervous. The chills wracking throughout me.

“Of course I love you. What do you mean?” I ask and she just laughs. “God Calum, you’re so fucking hilarious. I heard your interview and I heard what you were trying to tell me. I added all the dots, the fights, and the bickering, telling me that I’m not wanted there. I get it, if you were so out of love with me, you should’ve had the decency to tell me.” She was so stone cold and it made my heart feel like someone was putting tiny needles into it.

“You’re right, I don’t treat you the way I should. I should be treating you the way I did when you first got her or when we’re at home. I do love you like I can’t even see my life without you in it. I can’t see Sunday’s without thinking how we go to Huddle House for waffles. I can’t think of dog walks without thinking about how we go to that small park with Duke. I can’t think about seeing small kids and wondering when the hell I get to put a ring on your finger and have kids with you. I just want to wrap you up in my arms and literally keep you there.” I rant and she goes to speak, but more words started to fly out.

“And god I hate when you put your fucking cold feet on my legs and you do that innocent giggle. When you run your hands through my hair and literally rub my head after drinking too much. I love when you smile and the crooked tooth that you hate, but seeing you smile always makes my heart feel like it’s flying. You dance so bad and it always makes me laugh, but I could watch it forever. Or when you have to jump off that last step on the bus, I feel myself wanting to laugh now just thinking about it.” I chuckle and she literally pinches me to make me stop talking.

“Calum, I don’t want to hear this. You haven’t shown me any type of love in weeks. I don’t want to hear this because it’s going to end up going down the drain in a few weeks.” She crosses her arms. I fixate myself where I’m on my knees instead of squatting.

“I haven’t shown you love, but I promise you I will. Forever and the rest of my fucking life. Please, just don’t leave me and break up with me like this. You don’t understand how I feel when I see you. I need you. I’m sorry that I’ve been so bad to you, I just needed to fucking work on me. I took it out on you and I will forever be sorry, I just don’t feel worthy anymore and I just continuously try to find reasons why I’m good enough for anyone, not just you but every single person I come in contact with. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like an option or a burden if anything that’s me.” I express myself and her eyes widen. I feel my eyes burn with more tears surfacing.

I was never one to just flat out speak about what goes on in my mind. She always knew that I kept it in and she would support me through the times I was in a different headspace, but this time I hurt her instead of just myself.

“Calum, look at me. I’m not going to apologize for my feelings because they are my feelings. I do feel sympathetic that you’re going through this. You know how much I appreciate, love, support, and undyingly need you in my life. I never said the words that I was breaking up with you. I don’t want that. I accept your apology, Cal.” She soothes as she wipes a few tears out of my eyes.

She leans down to kiss my lips softly, I start to smile softly when she does. She pulls away and I grab her hands. “So you’re coming back on tour.” I smile widely and she frowns a little. “No babe, I’m not.” She says and I deadpan. “What? Why? You just said you weren’t breaking up with me. Babe, what’s going on?” I was starting to panic again, my chest rising quickly.

“Hey, calm down. You’re putting yourself into a panic attack, just calm down babe. I am not done with us, I promise. I just want to take some time at home and find myself again. I don’t want to be on tour anymore, I need to just relax for once. I need time, okay. Tour ends soon and I will be at our apartment waiting on you. I promise on Duke's life.” She says and I smile a little. “That’s a big promise, baby.” I cup her hands into mine again.

“I know, just don’t lose sight of how much I love you. I know our fights were pointless and petty, I’m done with that point of our relationship. Let’s heal and when you come back, we’ll be us again. If you need me, I’m one call away. I don’t want you holding all this guilt and uncertainty. You don’t know how much I love you and wish that you could see how valuable you are.” She says and leans forward to kiss my lips softly.

“When does the flight leave?” I ask and she shrugs. “It was delayed so I leave in about an hour.” She says and I smile. I move to sit beside her and I wrap my arms around her. “An hour with you sounds amazing. Can we make-out? It’s empty in here.” I ask and she punches my side.

“Such a sleaze, shut the fuck up.” She laughs and leans her head on my shoulder. “I love you, you’re sure you’re gonna want me when I come home?” I ask and she nods so quickly. “You’re my home Calum, I would always come home.” She says and sighs contently.

#calum #hood #calum hood #calumhood #calumblurbs #calumimagines #calum imagines #calum blurbs #calumhoodblurb #calumhoodimagine #calumhoodmasterlist #calum hood masterlist #masterlist #writing #5sos

[aidan-khontus]

If anyone was wondering why I exclusively rp in private it’s because every large group for rp I’ve ever been in has had the exact issues people are discussing in regards to ‘Lore’. It’s been that way since WoW, Guild Wars 1 & 2, it doesn’t surprise me XIV has the attitude.

There’s shitty people out there who always want to police others. It’s good to stand up to it and say that attitude isn’t acceptable, but it’s also important to learn to navigate and keep yourself safe. I’ve had GW2 ruined for me because of a self entitled crappy community. I get anxiety spikes just seeing screen shots of that game still and it’s been literally YEARS. And I honestly wish it never happened to me, I can no longer play a game my best friend enjoys because a group decided to ruin it for me. It’s sucks and it’s terrible and I again think it’s good to be slapping back against negative toxic crap like that.

But don’t let it ruin the game for you, those people don’t matter and their egos are as small as their quality of character. People like that aren’t worth to be upset over or let them ruin something nice.

My honest advice is to avoid larger Rp groups or guilds, after I cut that out and instead just made an effort to talk to individuals one on one it decreased bullshit by 100%. I know that’s not what people want to hear but large community changes take time or don’t change at all and you can’t wait for others to fix things and sticking yourself out in the line of fire isn’t always the best or safest idea. Sometimes it’s ok to want to back off to pull away, trying to argue with a group who’s already decided you’re wrong isn’t worth it.

I suffer from ptsd, I struggle with clynical depression and anxiety, I’m autistic. I grew up in a abusive home, I grew up hating my body for 20+ years. I tried to kill myself twice. I’m not even 30 yet and I feel old and exhausted. I don’t want to have to fight or convince more people I honestly don’t give a shit about just to enjoy what I love and neither should you.

So idk, this is mostly a rant and I prefer to keep to myself, but I wanted to share and give a pep talk. Final fantasy 14 is exactly that. It’s fucking fantasy, none of it is real, none of its laws apply to you, so stop giving a fuck over how people play game that was INTENDED for them to play and enjoy in their own way. It’s just sad.

Get over yourself let people live.

#rant #migjt delete later #tw suicide mention

[pink1031]

You’ve Woken Up the Demon In Me-Part 3

Characters: Demon!Dean x Reader, Crowley, Castiel, Cole

Warnings: Violence, non-con, dub-con, language, rough sex, oral (male and female receiving),angst, smut, choking, general abuse, fluff (just a little)  

A/n: This is not for the faint of heart.  It is very dark (like my soul). Demon Dean is by no means fluffy at all.  This follows Season 10, episodes 1, 2, 3 with a reader insert. I did not follow everything exactly, but much of the dialogue is there and the same premise. Sorry if this is pure trash. Gifs not mine. (Sorry about all the Gifs in this one but there are just so many out there from this episode that are so good!). 

Word Count: 6004

Part 1, Part 2

@build-a-pyre

@wildefire

Sam had managed to wrangle Dean into the dungeon of the bunker and secure him to a chair inside the devil’s trap. Dean had cussed and ranted the entire time but the cuffs did their job and made him virtually helpless.  You had locked yourself into your bedroom while Sam left to gather the blessed blood that he would need to cure Dean.  Your nerves were on edge the whole time Sam was gone, so much so that when you heard a knock on your bedroom door it actually made you jump and squeak in fear before grabbing your gun from your nightstand and point it at the door. “Y/n it’s me.” Sam called to you through the door. You took a deep breath and laid the gun back down before making your way to the door and unlocking it.  You smiled softly as you craned your neck to look up at Sam as you opened the door. Sam returned your soft smile with a small one of his own. “Just wanted to let you know I was back and I am heading down to get started.”  Sam held up the small cooler in his left hand. You nodded your response but weren’t sure exactly what to say.  You knew this was going to be rough, rougher than anything Sam had had to do before. “Do you want to…” Sam trailed off before clearing his throat. “I mean you don’t have to and I understand if you don’t want to see him.” “I’ll come with you, Sammy.” You nodded in understanding, knowing Sam didn’t want to face his demon brother alone.   He smiled a tight lip smile at you as you moved out of the room.  You both made your way down to the dungeon where Dean was waiting. Sam opened the dungeon door and made his way inside.  You held back, trying to calm your nerves and give yourself a pep talk before heading into the room.  “You can do this.” You told yourself. “You can do this for Sam and for Dean.” You made your way around the corner.  Dean sat strapped into the chair in the center of the devil’s trap.  Sam was standing at the small metal table opening the cooler that contained the blessed bags of blood. “Really?” You heard Dean scoff as he stared at Sam’s back. “For whatever it’s worth I got your blood type.” Sam spoke as he began to prepare the needles.   You walked silently and slowly into the room.  Keeping your distance and honestly hoping Dean didn’t notice you.   “Sam, I know you think you are gonna try and fix me, but…did it ever occur to you that maybe I don’t want to be fixed? Just let me and Y/n go live our lives.  I won’t bother you. What do you care?” Dean spoke as Sam turned and made his way to the edge of the devil’s trap. “What do I care?” Sam asked staring at his brother in disbelief before sprinkling holy water onto the circle while he chanted in Latin. “Wait, it’s not me you care about is it Sammy?  You are worried about me taking Y/n away again aren’t you?” Dean glared at Sam. Sam shot a look back at Dean as he finished the chant. “Yeah, that’s it.  You think I am gonna sit here like Crowley? Getting all weepy while you shoot me up? Well, screw that. I don’t want this.” Dean yelled.   “Yeah, I pretty much figured that out.” Sam shook his head and turned to go back to the table. You inched a little further into the room as Sam moved. “You don’t even know if this is gonna work do you? You know, I got a hell of a lot more running through me than just demon juice.” Dean continued to try to reason with Sam. Sam’s eyes met yours as he held up the syringe. You watched him as he took a deep breath and turned to face his brother once more. “Mark of Cain, got it.” “That’s right.” “Buckle up.” Sam canted his head as he looked at his brother and then moved forward.   “Sammy,” Dean growled a warning. “ You know I hate shots.” “I hate demons.” Sam said sternly before entering the circle. Dean’s eyes immediately turned black and he tried to lunge at Sam.  Sam was quick to hit Dean with holy water causing him to cry out in pain and his skin to sizzle.  Before you could blink Sam had drove the needle into Dean’s skin and emptied the contents.  Dean’s eyes went wide as the blood began to course through him.  His head snapped up as a roar filled his throat.  It was like a sound you had never heard before as Dean snarled and growled.  You stumbled back in fear as you watched, a cry of surprise and fear leaving your throat.

   Dean’s black gaze snapped to you as the little scream left your lips. He was panting, his fists clenching and unclenching in his restraints. “Look, we got a whole more of these to go. You could make it a lot easier on yourself.” Sam looked down at Dean as he groaned in pain.   “What’s the matter, brat,” Dean brought his gaze back to you as you stood lingering against the doorframe, “don’t want to come give your man a hello kiss?” he tried to chuckle but groaned as Sam shoved another needle into his arm. “Leave her alone.” Sam barked as he yanked the needle back out. “For all you know you could be killing me.” Dean rolled his eyes to look up at Sam. “Or…you’re just messing with me. Either way the lore doesn’t say anything about exceptions to the cure.” Sam made his way back to the table and dropped down the empty syringe. “The lore, hunters, Men of Letters, what a load of crap it all is.” Dean scoffed. “Oh, you got nothing?” Sam sighed exasperated as he turned to face Dean, leaning back against the table. “You want me to debate you?” Sam raised an eyebrow. “This isn’t even the real you I am talking to.” You looked at Sam, he looked so tired and almost defeated. This was really taking it’s toll on him.  You made yourself cross the room the few feet until you were standing on the opposite side of the table from Sam, trying to offer him what little support you could without getting any closer to Dean. Dean watched you, letting you know he was still very aware of your presence. “Oh, it’s the real me alright. Isn’t that right sweetheart?” Dean smirked at you. 

Sam glanced back over his shoulder at you as he followed Dean’s gaze. You stood silently, chewing at your full bottom lip as Dean continued his bullshit speech. “The new real me, the me that sees things for what they really are. Winchesters. Do-gooders. Fighting the natural order. Let me tell you something, guys like me, we are the natural order. It’s the way it was set up.” Seeing you standing behind him in support gave Sam the encouragement he needed to continue. “Guys like me still got to do what we can.” “Don’t be so full of yourself Sammy. ‘Cause, see, from where I’m sitting, there ain’t much difference from what I turned into to what you already are.” Dean cocked his head and grinned. “And what exactly is that supposed to mean?” Sam asked, a confused look furrowing his brows. “I know what you did when you went looking for me. I know how far you went. Crowley told me all about it. So let me ask you…” Dean smirked. “Which one of us is really the monster? Hmm? Starting to come back to you now?” Sam took a deep shaky breath and turned his back to Dean. His eyes closed and he leaned heavily on the table.  You looked at Sam, a frown creasing your features. “Sam?” You asked softly wondering what Dean was talking about. Sam just shook his head but wouldn’t look at you. “Oh, wait, Sammy didn’t tell you did he baby?” Dean laughed. “He was trying to get a twenty on Crowley, me, and you from any demon he could snag. But Crowley didn’t want to be found, and no one showed when he summoned.“ Dean’s gaze moved from you back to his brother. “But you found a way, didn’t you, Sam?” “You would have liked to have gotten there before the deal went down, but you didn’t really care about poor ol’ Lester, did you?” Dean continued to taunt his brother. “Oh, and so you know, I killed Lester myself. And that wife of his married the tattooed guy.” You still didn’t know what Dean was talking about but you knew Sam and you knew that whatever he did was because he had to do it. He had to do it to find you and Dean and save you both. You moved around the table so you could stand at Sam’s side. Your small hand reached out to gently grip Sam’s arm. “Sammy?” Your voice was soft and soothing. Sam turned his head and looked down at you. His hazel eyes were so sad, like they carried the weight of the world. “ I never meant,” His words were cut off by a now angry Dean. “Who cares what you meant?! That line that we thought was so clear between us and the things that we hunted, ain’t so clear is it? Wow. You might actually be worse than me! I mean, you took a guy at his lowest, used him, and it cost him his life and his soul. Nice work.” Dean huffed angrily. “Yeah well,” Sam’s gaze turned angry as he looked down at you, he grabbed another needle and turned towards Dean, stomping over to his side. “At least I didn’t kidnap and rape my best friend.” 

Sam shoved the needle hard into Dean’s neck before walking back to the table as Dean screamed in pain.  Sam threw the syringe down on the table.  Sam’s face was covered with a mix of emotions: anger, sadness, regret.   Dean’s chest rose and fell with his heavy breathing. His head drooped forward. “Let me ask you this, Sammy: If this doesn’t work, we both know what you got to do to me, right? You got the stomach for that, Sam?” Sam couldn’t answer that question.  Instead he pushed himself from the table and made his way out the door.   You watched Dean as you waited for Sam to return.  Dean did not look good.  He truly looked like he was in pain.  Soft groans fell from his lips as he sat with his eyes closed and his head slumped forward.  What if this really was killing him? You brain and emotions were still a giant jumble of confusion.  You hated the demon that Dean had become, but the man in front of you was still Dean.  Every ounce of your being still wanted to save that man.  You still wanted your Dean back.  You suddenly realized that Dean was too quiet. No more groaning or growling. His breathing was more shallow. “Sammy!” You yelled as you rushed over to Dean.  You shook Dean’s shoulders but got no response. “Dean!” You yelled at him and did the only thing you could think and slapped Dean across his scruffy cheek. “Hey! Hey! Dean! Come on, come back!” Dean’s voice came out a hoarse whisper. “No.” “Come back to me. You there? Hey! Dean, you okay?” You asked as your hands cupped his cheeks and lifted his head so you could look at him. Dean’s head lolled in your hands. “Yeah brat, if you consider drowning in your own sweat while your blood boils okay.” Dean coughed softly and you gently stroked his cheek.  You heard Sam rushing back into the room so you stood and moved back away from Dean. You looked at Sam with worried pleading eyes. “Look I can’t just stop doing this.” Sam said to both you and Dean. “Sure you can. You just stop! There’s no point in trying to bring your brother back now.” Dean glared up at his brother. “Oh, I will bring him back.” Sam seemed more determined now. “In fact, your uh… guilt-ridden, weight-of-the-world bro has been M.I.A. for quite some time now. But I’m loving the new model: Lean, mean, Dean” Dean chuckled. “Right.” Sam scoffed. “You like the new me too, don’t ya sweetheart?” Dean licked his full lips as he looked you up and down.  “In fact you love the new me, the way I make you scream so loud when you cum on my cock.” “Stop it Dean.” Sam barked at his brother. “You notice I tried to get as far away from you as possible Sammy? Away from your whining, your complaining. I chose the King of Hell over you! Maybe I was just … tired of babysitting you. Or always having to yank your lame ass out of the fire since …” Dean laughed. “Forever. Or maybe … Maybe it was the fact that you wanted my girl, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to let that happen.  Or it could be that my mother would still be alive if it wasn’t for you. That your very existence sucked the life out of my life!” Your eyes grew wide as you listened to Dean rant.  You couldn’t believe the words spilling from his mouth.  You looked between the brothers.  Sam’s jaw was clenched and his nostrils flared as the anger flooded through him. “This isn’t my brother talking.” Sam took a deep breath as he tried to calm himself. “You never had a brother! Just an excuse for not manning up. But guess what: I quit.” “No. No, you don’t. You don’t get to quit. We don’t get to quit in this family! This family is all we have ever had!” Sam yelled back at Dean, his anger finally getting the best of him. “Well, then, we got nothin’.” Dean snarled. “Would you say that to Dad?” Sam asked, continue to hold on to hope that Dean was still in there somewhere. “Dad? Oh, there’s a prize. There’s a man who brainwashed us into wasting our lives fighting his losing battle!” Dean replied knowing that was the way Sam had always felt about their father. Sam shook his head and turned his back to Dean, moving back over to the table to load up another syringe with sanctified blood.   “Oh, ooh is this you manning up?” Dean poked at his brother. “This is me yanking your lame ass out of the fire.” Sam spoke as he jammed the needle into Dean’s arm once again. “You’re welcome.” Dean immediately began gasping and groaning in pain as Sam turned away again throwing the syringe onto the table before his long stride carried him out of the room.  You stared for a moment at Sam’s back and then looked back at Dean. “Sammy wait.” You called out as you turn and jog out of the room to catch up with the younger Winchester. You moved down the hallway in search of Sam and found him standing in Dean’s room. “Sam?” you asked softly.

Sam turned at the sound of your voice. His normally bright eyes were red and tear filled and it broke your heart.  You quickly moved to him throwing your arms around him and hugging him tight.  Sam’s good arm wrapped around you as he tucked his head to the curve of your neck and you could feel him sob softly.   “It’s going to be okay Sammy.”  You gently stroked your fingers through his hair. “We are going to get Dean back.  It’s going to work.” You tried to soothe him.  Sam let you hold him for a minute longer before he stood to his full height and wiped the remaining tears from his cheeks. “Yeah, it’s gotta work.” He nodded, saying it more to himself than to you.  He smiled down at you and gently cupped your cheek in his large hand.  “I should be the one taking care of you Y/n, not the other way around.” “We are taking care of each other Sammy.” You smiled and nuzzled against his palm. “Yeah but after everything you went through.” a deep frown formed on Sam’s face. “After what Dean did to you.” “Hey,” you cut him off. “That was not Dean. That was and is a monster pretending to be Dean.” You felt your eyes sting with unshed tears. “Dean could never do…he would have never…”  You couldn’t finish. “I know.” Sam leaned down and placed a soft kiss against your forehead.  “I called Cas. I am hoping he gets here soon. I don’t know if I can do this anymore.” You nodded softly wiping your eyes before reaching your hand out and lacing your fingers with Sams’ “We can do this, together Sammy.” Sam gave you a soft smile and you walked out of the room hand in hand together. You both rounded the corner to head into the dungeon when you were stopped in your tracks. Dean’s chair was empty.  He was gone. Your eyes went wide and instantly your heart began to race as the fear coursed through you. “Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.” You cursed under your breath as you looked up at Sam. Sam’s eyes were just as wide as he looked down at you. “Go back to your room. Lock yourself in. Don’t unlock the door until I tell you.” Sam spoke quickly and softly. “Sammy, I..I..shit…” You began to panic. Your brain wasn’t fully comprehending Sam’s instructions as the fear coursed through you. “Y/n, go, now!” Sam shook your shoulder for emphasis. You nodded and turned back from the way you had come struggling to make your feet move faster down the hallway as you looked back over your shoulder to make sure Sam was still behind you. Sam made his way silently through the bunker. He tried to listen carefully for movement to pinpoint Dean’s location.  He eased himself down the hall with his back against the wall.  He heard doors opening and the sound of Dean’s boots but it was further away. Sam quickly slipped over to the desk drawer, opening it as quietly as he could and retrieved the set of master keys to the bunker.   You were crouched down in the corner of your room. You had locked the door like Sam told you but it didn‘t make you feel any safer. Your gun was in your trembling hand and your eyes trained on the door.  Your heart raced and you could hear it thudding in your ears. “Come on. Don’t you guys want to hang out? Spend a little quality time?” Dean’s voice echoed in the halls.

Sam made his way to the control room and as quietly as he could he unlocked the door. He ran across the room and quickly pulled the lever to lockdown the bunker.  The lights went out just as the lever was pulled and now the bunker was illuminated in the red glow of the alarm lights. “Smart, Sam! Locking the place down. Doors won’t open. I get it. But here’s the thing: I don’t want to leave! Not ‘til I find Y/n and take care of you!” Dean called as he walked calmly down the hallway with a newfound hammer in hand. Dean stopped walking as he found himself outside of your bedroom.  He stood looking at the door for only a moment before kicking it in with one muscled leg. You squealed and jumped as the door crashed open. You stood to your full height holding your gun out in front of you pointed at Dean’s chest. “There you are, brat.” Dean grinned. He canted his head to the side as he looked at the gun you were holding. “You really think that is going to do any good sweetheart?” He chuckled softly. “Pretty sure you’d need the demon blade for me.” Dean’s eyes flashed black as he quickly rushed you. You didn’t even have time to fire before he had knocked the gun from your hand and wrenched your arm behind your back making you cry out. “Come on brat. Let’s go find Sammy huh? Then we can get out of here.” You winced as Dean forced you out of the room.  He stopped to listen and as he heard a clatter in the distance then he steered you down the hall towards the noise.   “Sammy! You’re just making this worse for yourself, man!“ Dean called out to his brother, “Oh, by the way, you can, uh… blame yourself for me getting loose. All that blood you pumped into me to make me human… Well. The less demon I was, the less the cuffs worked. And that Devil’s Trap? Well, I just walked right across it. It smarted, but still.” Dean forced you to continue walking as he continued to try to taunt Sam out of hiding. “I found Y/n Sammy, why don’t you come get her if you think you are man enough.” Sam’s eyes closed and he cursed under his breath at Dean’s words. “Shit.” he mumbled as he leaned back against the wall.  “Dean just let her go.  We can work this out man.” Sam yelled out to his brother. Dean stopped at the sound of Sam’s voice trying to discern what direction it came from.  “I’m going to need you to scream for me now, brat.” Dean whispered low in your ear. “What?” Your brows furrowed. “Need to flush Sammy out. Scream.” Dean grinned down at you. “No.” Your words turned into a cry of pain as Dean wrenched your arm back harder behind your back. You were almost sure he had dislocated your shoulder. The tears streamed down your cheeks as the pain rushed through you. Dean’s head snapped up as he heard Sam roar in frustration at the sound of your scream.  “Good girl.” Dean whispered against your ear before placing a kiss to your temple. Dean shoved you forward in the direction you both now knew Sam to be in.  He kept a brutal grip on your arm as he shoved you along.  You soon found yourself outside of the control room.  The door was standing ajar and Dean smirked as he looked down at you.  With his hold on you he quickly spun you around and shoved you back against the wall pressing his own body tight against yours. “I need you to be a good girl and wait right here for me.” Dean looked down at you, licking his full lips that merely inches from yours. “If you run off and I have to find you again you are not going to like what happens next.” he growled softly before crushing his lips against yours in a brutally hard kiss. 

Dean let go of his grip on you and slipped inside the control room.  Within seconds the lights in the bunker came back to life. “Yeah, that’s more like it.” Dean smiled to himself as he made his way back to the door only for it to slam in his face and lock from the outside. Sam was by your side again as he locked the door trapping Dean inside.  Sam quickly took a moment to pull you in against his side in a gentle hug before looking back at the door. “That’s your big move?” Dean scoffed as he tried to doorknob. Sam yelled through the door at Dean. “Listen to me, Dean! We were getting close, okay? I know you’re still in there somewhere. Just let me finish the treatments.” When there was no answer Sam took a step closer, pressing his ear against the door. “Dean?” Sam suddenly jumped back as a loud thud mixed with the splintering of wood resounded in the quite corridor. “You act like I want to be cured!” Dean yelled from the other side of the door as he continued to drive the hammer into the wood causing pieces to splinter and fly off. “Personally, I like the disease.” Dean grinned through the small hole that was now in the door. “Dean, stop that! Look, I don’t want to use this blade on you!” Sam yelled as he held the demon blade out in front of him.  You had moved from the wall and stood half behind Sam now. “That sucks for you, doesn’t it? ‘Cause you really mean that!” Dean continued as more and more wood broke away from the door.   “Look, if you come out of that room, I won’t have a choice!” Sam continued to argue with his brother. You stepped closer to Sam placing a trembling hand on his right arm as you both tried to stand your ground against the demon. “Sure you will! And I know which one you’ll make. Isn’t that right, Sammy? But see … Here’s the thing: I’m lucky.” The hole had gotten much bigger now as Dean continued to hammer away at it.  “Oh, hell, I’m blessed! ‘Cause there’s just enough demon left in me that killing you? Ain’t no choice at all.” Dean’s cold eyes turned to you and you immediately let your hand fall away from Sam’s body. “Remember what I told you, brat.” Dean scowled. “You’re mine.” With those words Dean managed to bust through the door. Sam grabbed you quickly and spun you both around.  You sprinted down the hallway with Sam at your side as you heard the rest of the wood shatter and then Dean’s heavy boot falls on the tile floor. “Sammy? Y/n?” Dean called out as you and Sam moved down yet another hallway and hid around a corner. Both of you breathing heavily.  “Come on! Let’s have a beer, talk about it. I’m tired of playing. Let’s finish this game!” Sam glanced down at you before slowly and hesitantly peering out around the corner to look down the adjacent hallway.  His attention was pulled back as he heard a yelp fall from your lips. He turned back around and ducked just in time as Dean’s hammer went flying at his head getting stuck in the wall. Dean had his free hand around your throat as held you against the wall. You were frozen in fear as Dean choked you even while staring at his brother.  Your soft gasps for air and Sam’s heavy breathing the only sounds as Sam quickly had the demon blade against his brother’s throat. “Well … Look at you.” Dean smirked and tilted his chin pressing his throat tighter against the cold blade. “You want to save her? Do it. It’s all you.”

Your eyes were fluttering closed, the blackness drowning you as you struggled to breathe.  You heard the sound of metal clattering to the floor and then Dean growling and roaring. His hand fell from your throat and your body crumpled to the floor.  As you lay there you thought you could hear Castiel’s voice but it sounded faint and far away. “It’s over.” Castiel growled as his arms wrapped tight around Dean’s. “Dean, it’s over.” Dean continued to struggle against the angel but Cas held him tight. “It’s over.” Sam was kneeling by your side. His large warm hand gently stroking your pale cheek. “Y/n, sweetheart. Can you hear me?”  Sam pushed the stray strands of hair away from your face as your eyes slowly opened. “There you are.” He held your cheek softly in his palm. You groaned and tried to sit up but your head pounded and the world seem to spin. “No, no.  Don’t get up.” Sam cooed softly. “Cas will be back in a minute to heal you. Just wait.” Sam smiled softly down at you.   Just as Sam had said Castiel was at your side a moment later. “Let me heal you Y/n.” His deep gravelly voice music to your ears as he placed his fingers on your forehead. “No Cas, wait. Your grace.” You choked out your voice hoarse and raspy. “Don’t waste it on me.” “I’m okay now Y/n. I can heal you.” Cas stated and before you could protest you felt the warmth of his healing powers move over your body.  You closed your eyes and sighed. “Thank you Cas.” you smiled up at him as your body felt renewed. You hugged the angel tight as he helped you up to your feet. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ The three of you stood in the dungeon looking at Dean’s limp body strapped down the chair once more. “What the hell are we doing to him, Cas? I mean, even after I gave him all that blood, he still said he didn’t want to be cured, that he didn’t want to be human, and this obsession with Y/n.” Sam glanced down at you as he said your name and looked back at Castiel. “Well… I see his point. You know, only humans can feel real joy, but … also such profound pain. This is easier.” Castiel looked from Dean then to you. “He has always had feelings for you but he never allowed himself to act on them. So, as a demon he allowed himself to have what he wanted most.” You bit your bottom lip as you took in Cas’s words.  You had never known Dean felt anything for you. He had always treated you like his little sister and nothing more. You opened your mouth to speak but movement from Dean caught your attention. Dean raised his head, his eyes were solid pulls of black and you felt your heart sink but suddenly the black slowly faded to reveal tired moss green eyes. Dean groaned softly and let out a shakey breath. His eyes moving over the three of you. “You look worried, fellas.” he said with a raspy voice. Sam took a hesitant step forward and reached out his good arm splashing Dean across the face with holy water. Dean flinched and blinked but nothing happened. No pain, no sizzle, no smoke.   You and Sam both released a breath that you had been holding and Sam smiled brightly. “Welcome back, Dean.” Dean nodded softly but then his eyes met yours and his heart broke as me memories came flooding back to him. “Y/n.” He whispered softly. You couldn’t look at the pain in his eyes.  You didn’t know how either of you were going to get past what had happened. Tears flooded your eyes and you stared at the man in front of you, your Dean.  Your lips parted but you couldn’t find any words. You choked back a sob and quickly turned, running from the room. You found yourself a little while later sitting in the library with Castiel at your side. Cas was flipping through the “Practiners Guide to Exorcism” book as Sam walked into the room. “Hey.” Sam greeted you both as you looked up at him. “How’s he doing?” Cas asked as he sat the book back down on the table. “He’s uh … He’s still a little out of it, but better, I think. I mean, I think this whole thing, the blood cure, and the … “ Sam stole a glance at you. “all of it…really wrecked him, you know?” “Yeah.” Cas replied and gave you a soft sad smile.  You couldn’t take the look of pity on both of your friends’ faces so you stared down at your hands. “On the plus side, he’s hungry again, so I’m just going to go pick him up a big ol’ bag of crap food and stuff it in his face myself. You mind keeping an eye?” Sam looked at Cas with a questioning look. “Yeah.” Cas nodded as Sam turned to walk away. “Sam?” Cas called after him. “Yeah?” Sam turned back to look at the angel. “You realize one problem is solved, but one still remains. Dean is no longer a demon, that’s true. But the Mark of Cain… that, he still has. And sooner or later, that’s going to be an issue.” Sam sighed. “You know what, Cas? I’m beat, man. One battle at a time, you know? So I’m just gonna go grab my brother some cholesterol. And then, I’m gonna get drunk.” he nodded before turning and sprinting up the steps to the bunker door. Castiel turned his attention to you after Sam had left the room. “Are you alright Y/n?” “I honestly don’t know.” You smiled a tight lipped smile. “I’m not sure how to deal with all this.”   “You know that was not Dean who hurt you?” Cas looked at you with concerned eyes. “I know that Cas but…” you closed your eyes, feeling a headache beginning to start you pinched the bridge of your nose between your fingers. “Can’t you just wipe my memories or something? Make it all just go away?” Castiel smiled and chortled. “I wish it was that simple Y/n.  You need to talk to Dean.” “I don’t know if I can Cas.” “I’m going to go check on him.” Cas nodded to you as he rose from his seat and turned to leave the room. Castiel knocked softly on Dean’s bedroom door. “Yeah.” Dean called out as he sat on his bed thumbing through pictures. Picture of you and Sam, and the three of you together.  He wiped a tear away from his eye as the door swung open. “You look terrible.” Cas deadpanned as he walked into the room. “You know, it wouldn’t kill you to lie every now and again.” Dean looked at Cas as he laid the pictures on his nightstand. “No, it wouldn’t kill me. I just … You …” Castiel looked at Dean with a confused expression on his face. “Forget it. Well, you, on the other hand, you…” Dean gestured to Cas’s appearance as he rose from the bed. “Looking good. So… Are you back?” Cas smiled and nodded. “At least temporarily. It’s a long story. Crowley, stolen grace. There’s a female outside in the car.” Dean raised his eyebrows and Cas just shook his head. “Another time.” “Well, thank you for, um… Stepping in when you did.” Dean looked down at the floor then, suddenly thinking about what could have happened if Cas hadn’t shown up when he did. Cas nodded his reply. “What did Sam say? Does he want a divorce?” Dean looked up at Cas, the worry evident in his green eyes. “And Y/n? Is she?” “I’m sure Sam knows that whatever you said or what you did, it wasn’t really you. It certainly wasn’t all you.” Cas paused. “Y/n, she is really struggling Dean.  I don’t know how to help her with this.” “I tired to kill him, Cas.” Dean felt the tears well up in his eyes. “But that’s nothing compared to what I did to her.  How can she ever forgive me for that? How am I supposed to forgive myself?” “Dean. You and Sam and Y/n have been through so much. Look, you and Sam are brothers. It’d take a lot more than trying to kill Sam with a hammer to make him want to walk away.” “You realize how screwed up our lives are that that even makes sense?” Dean chuckled a little to himself. Cas laughed softly then placed a hand on Dean’s shoulder. “You and Y/n need to talk.  You both love each other, that is obvious. You will find a way to work through this.” “I’m glad you’re here, man.” Dean smiled softly and clapped Cas on the shoulder. Cas nodded and turned towards the door, turning back to Dean just before heading out. “Hey, maybe you should um … take some time before you get back to work. Allow yourself to heal. It’s, uh … I don’t know. The timing might be right. Heaven and Hell, they seem reasonably back in order. It’s quiet out there.”

#demon!dean #demon!dean x reader #dean winchester #Sam Winchester #castiel #Supernatural smut #supernatural #dean non-con #dean dub-con #you've woken up the demon in me

[drennalynspast]

[ my weak self ]

Tuesday, Nov. 30, 2010

listening to "sad" music on youtube and some of my personal music files at the moment.  after being emotionally charged, i feel the crash - the crash where i feel blank, empty, tired. i feel like i could sink into this nothingness.  

my return to post in d-land is usually out of either 3 reasons: 1)a situation causing me to be super emo  2)ranting about opinionated shit out of boredom  3) highlighting the events of my semester/months of nonactive posting  (perhaps this reason will subside due to my lack of contact with my counselor)

anyway, this entry is brought to you today by reason #1. it is my typical reiteration of similar past events. though, to put some clarity and temporary ease my mind for mental stabilization, i shall continue this blogging.

you know how people get stressed, worried, pissed off for whatever reason, they usually like to dish out their feelings on another person.  my mom went into my room to talk to me and was super pissy.  i was thinking, "god, what's eating you."  and she was bitching at me to start "doing stuff" in my applications to school and contact my past professor for recommendation letters. and no, that's not where it stops, damn asian parents have to keep nagging about deplorable future scenarios trying to instill fear into their children, thinking it will help motivate them.

she just had to throw the card of "you want to work at _[insert restaurant i am working in at the moment ]for 4 years?" and also throwing in mcdonalds as well.  

i can understand my parents.  believe me, i think i am a lazy bitch and careless slouch too numerous times. they are correct in that i must be more proactive in my endeavors if i am to succeed.  so yeah, they get all fearful and shit, so they feel like they have to come talk to me and "remind" me every now and then what i must do. i get it. 

what pisses me off the most, is how they fucking approach me, how they assume and accuse me of my future actions and success. it's like if i don't succeed in my goal, i will fail. i  will never fucking ever have a chance to rise.  i will always and forever have this unpleasant lifestyle.  if my parents have a fucking grudge about the fact that i am simply working part time at a restaurant just for quick money (not a lot of heavy hours too) while going to school, then they should fucking say something to my goddamn face directly.  instead of using it as a threat to me. it pisses me off so much.  they assume that this small part time thing is going to be permanent. 

"i work so hard for you, and you also need to try hard too etcetc.  i didn't have a lot of opportunity when i was a child etcetc". yeah, if you hate working so hard, then why don't you just let me go. stop letting me live with you, stop paying for my things.  i know this is like a double edged sword.  i hate my parents every now and then, but i rely on them.  they dislike my actions, but they want me to succeed or they will feel like they have failed.  it's an attempt to look altruistic, but in reality, parents want to do it to make themselves look good for themselves and in front of others.

i wonder, i honestly wonder.  would i be more hardworking, more motivated if i were to handle things completely on my own? -i.e: be cut off from their support and finances.  yes, it will be harder for me. it would be difficult to work and study. on the other hand, perhaps i may view life differently. it could be positive or negative though.  if i just leave my parents and go work, and take side classes. i may evolve into this complacent state where "working as i am now" is fine for me.  granted, i will be  living with a lesser income... or if i am lucky, it may not be so bad.  the other option would be i detest entry level work and try my best to work hard at my attempts to get better education.

back to the whole, "i understand what my parents think of me" thing. i don't blame my parents fully. i just despise their methods of communication towards me.  it is one of the reasons why i feel so... disconnected from them.  they are questionable about my actions because i don't talk. they don't know what is going on, so they make extreme assumptions.  it's bad they assume that and i should try to verify my actions to them but i just... don't feel like talking to them.  it's more of some  developed mindset i acquired over time, where i associate talking to my parents in a conversation will lead to a negative discussion that will result in me being pissed of frustrated --- therefore, i minimally communicate with them.   

i don't blame my parents for how i am today.  yes i was abused as a child; i was verbally abused and treated too at times. a lot of people go through terrible shit in their childhood, but some people turn out alright. some people still end up being confident, successful and independent.  the personality and a behavior of an individual is not wholly based 100% by parental influence. i'm not going to use  my childhood upbringing as an excuse for my current behavior and cognitive thinking. 

i've always seemed to be this shy and quiet child.  i believe i have grown more out of my shell in terms of being less shy, once i experienced my undergrad college years. if i could analyze my behavior, i would define it as avoidant and cautious.  why do i procrastinate? why am i lazy? believe me, i think a lot about my future.  i think about what i should do. however, when it comes to being proactive, that's where i am weak.

it's fear that i have. some terrible, fear of failing.  whenever i research the requirements for applications, i get so discouraged looking at some of the requirements because i know i don't meet them.  then i start feeling regretful, hating myself because i can't apply there.  whenever i realize i have to get recommendation letters, i get discouraged as well.  my past failures of receiving poor letters has given me doubt of my success and strength of recommendation in the application. i hate the feeling of feeling so... inferior, being weak, stupid, regretful. ...

so what do i do?  i block it all out.  i tell myself i can't face the cold facts today. i am not ready to sit down, research, apply and organize shadowing with other pts.  no, no, instead, i'll just sleep it off, i'll just do something else to entertain me to distract me, make me feel better while i decide to push back my plans the next day.  and then that next day, i think the same thing all over again, and push it back even more... and more.  ignorance is bliss. i seek instant gratification, instant results.  so i do things like surf net, chat for entertainment and sleep. why? because it seemed much effortless and easier than working hard on something i am unsure of, and wasting time on something i may potentially not get accepted into.

it's silly. it's stupid. it's absurd what i am doing.  yes, it is ignorant. i am weak, on the road to failure.  by procrastinating, of course i have dug myself into deeper shit. for one thing, i have already missed deadlines of applications i could have participated in, in sept, oct, and november..  god damn, that is like 3 months, and that could have been how many schools i should have applied to?  

so to you parents, who are nagging at me 237489247 times. and to others who are also nagging at me 9327498274 times to do something.  i -know- what i must do.  you can give me 239872984732 pep talks, lectures about why i should do this and that. what i need to do etc, but you know what? your lectures don't do shit for me.  they don't inspire me. they don't motivate me. they will not change me.  you, the speaker, cannot influence my behavior and thinking.  it seems like even my own personal events in the past weren't enough to do something to me. 

i have a problem.  it's a personal battle and dilemma.  it is something that i must do on my own.  it is something that i must learn on my own. telling me the same things do not help.  knowing what to do is one thing... but believing in yourself is different. it's like telling a person to stop feeling fucking sad. the person knows they shouldn't be sad, but they just can't get rid of that sadness asap. 

for me, it is fear about failing. when will i wake up from this fear? when will i stop being so discouraged. when will i stop being so weak? it's so much easier to just do shit earlier, get it over with, and not think of it for a while and not have to worry about deadlines.  but no... i somehow choose the other path because i am afraid to face it head on.  it's like travelling through a forest with two paths. one path looks brighter, sunnier, more friendly. another path looks dark, cold,with entangling vegetation.  what do i do? i take the brighter path that is friendly - only to find that the end of that sunny path is a dead end.

#fail #asian parents

[epistaxen]

Stuck in a moment

It's those moments when you're all alone and everything's so damn quiet that you get to reflect on deep shit. So here we go again with another episode of quarter-life depression (though that's too strong of a term).

Many people, especially at my age, get that feeling of inadequacy and can't avoid comparing their lives with others - thanks to social media. Though I'm not really jealous of other people's success, I can't help but feel a bit disappointed with myself. Where I'm at is not where I envisioned myself 8 years ago. I was fresh out of college and ready to take over the world. I wanted to study and take up law and get myself a private firm. Today, I'm still stuck at a call center paying off my impulsiveness (yeah, credit card debt). I haven't had any savings for law, let alone savings for my future life. What frustrates me more is I let confidence demote myself to a lower position (from TL to CSR) on a different company thinking I can make my way up with my new company in no time as I've done before. How foolish and overconfident I was.

I am stuck. I hate the fact that I'm hating myself for being in this situation. I used to be the go-to person for people who feel depressed and I feel like I do one heck of a job knowing what words to say. I guess it's true that the people who give good advice usually have it differently when it comes to their own lives.

I just read my last blog entry and saw how sad I was in leaving Transcom yet excited to face a new chapter in my life. Well, I may have made an error in judgement as now, I feel like things have taken a turn for the worse. Am I sad for feeling stuck again? Yes. Do I regret leaving my comfort zone? That I can't answer at the moment. I'm inclined to say no but I'll leave that to my future self.

I know there's no point in comparing myself to others as the pressure will truly eat at you. It's the expectation from people around me that's killing me. You see, I graduated with latin distinction so words need not be spoken to sense other people's expectations.

Maybe I'm overthinking again. Maybe they don't give a fuck what I achieve and to be honest, that's my preference. I curse not because I'm bitter but because I hate the fact that society creates norms, expectations, and judgement - hence, the pressure. I shouldn't be feeling this! I should be happy and content and do whatever the hell I want!

What do I really want? Well, now, I'm not sure anymore. And that's the part I hate most. That's the part that makes this whole damn internal crisis unbearable. I don't even know what I wanna be anymore! If you're reading this and you're feeling lost, left behind, and pressured, then ask yourself, what it is that you want. Not what society wants, but what you want for yourself. If you're having difficulties answering, then hop in. You're not alone. This is what I feel at the moment.

I document this so I can read it later in the future. I sure hope Tumblr's still there though. I'm interested how things would turn out. I hope I'll just be laughing and cringing at how silly I sound today. I hope I find my path. I hope it's the legal profession.

I think I've made a mistake in applying at Concentrix. Well, who knows? Be it a mistake or not, the important part is to be man enough and suck it up. Even if it indeed turns out to be a bad decision, then instead of whining, I ought to make best of what I currently have.

Look at me, ranting about shit then giving myself a pep talk afterwards. At the end of the day, we are tiny and insignificant compared to the universe to be bothered by these internal struggle. Let's live life one day at a time and enjoy the little things. Though others have reached their calling and are living the dream, I'm still lucky as I'm having a far more comfortable life compared to those who live at the squatters or in Africa or in war-torn Syria. Never thought I can give advice and comfort to myself. It does feel good to hear the right words. People should try talking to themselves sometimes.

Yeah, reflecting alone on a quiet spot at 3AM can make one wiser (or crazier), doesn't it?