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autisticlancemcclain · 2 years

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The end of this Skype meeting from hell was rapidly approaching, and Shiro was so close to relief he could taste it.

The team was attempting alliance negotiations with a new planet, but the entire planet was so incredibly toxic to Alteans that they felt it may be best to just have their meeting over a video communications link. Was it as shitty quality as a Skype call? God, no. The quality was incredible, Shiro could probably count every visible pore on the Queen’s face. But the plastic smiles and unbearable tension known of office-style Skype calls were evident, so Shiro was going to continue calling it a Skype in his head. The ‘from hell’ part of the description was due to the discomfort crawling up everyone’s throat — this Queen in particular was known to be temperamental and easy to offend, so everyone was walking on eggshells.

“Well, I believe that everything is in order,” said the Queen. Finally.

Some of the tension bled from Allura’s shoulders, and her smile turned genuine.

“Excellent! I’ll send you the forms —”

“One last thing,” interrupted the Queen. Allura’s smile froze, and her eye twitched. There was quite possibly nothing she hated more than being interrupted, and there wasn’t even anything she could do about it.

“Of course,” Allura replied through gritted teeth.

“Wonderful,” went the Queen, equally as passive aggressive.

Not for the first time, Shiro wished Adam was here. He was the master of passive aggression. He would have this bitch beat in minutes.

“Paladin Hunk,” continued the Queen, turning her gaze on the Yellow Paladin, who jumped slightly upon being called so abruptly but schooled his expression into a pleasant one.

“Yes, Your Majesty?”

“I’ve heard you are quite the culinary master. Many of my people had the pleasure of tasting your food at Vrepit Sal’s, and have spoken endlessly of how you turned his food from failed embarrassments to pure edible pleasure.”

Hunk smiled, clearly pleased that his efforts were so widely recognized. Some of the wariness lifted from his features. “That’s very kind of them to say.”

The Queen nodded. “Yes. I figured since you are so knowledgeable, you may be able to help me with a problem of mine. My —” her lip curled — “stepson has insisted that we each take turns cooking ‘family’ dinners ourselves instead of hiring a cook. I can’t fathom why the foolish child would ever want such a thing, but my husband insists we indulge him, and I’ve never had to bother with such petty tasks myself before, so my first attempt was a disaster,” she huffs, shaking her head. “I had to force the ingrate to eat it because he insisted on me making it, but he complained the whole time it was too salty. And so my question for you: how can I fix a dish when it is too salty?”

Hunk’s face had completely soured, and his wasn’t the only one. Hearing this already entitled and rude Queen speak so horribly about her young stepson was hard to hear, and made it very difficult to want to help her or her planet.

Hunk paused before answering, face flat and judgemental. “Start over,” he said drily.

Shiro choked. The Queen’s — now furious — face whipped towards him, and Shiro clapped a hand in front of his mouth.

Fuck fuck fuck. Think of unfunny things. Uh, Iverson’s constant stories of his summer in Italy when he was 14. Nuclear physics. Literally anything but the sound of Lance losing his shit or you’re going to lose it too. You have a reputation, dingus, please please focus.

With the strength of a thousand suns, Shiro managed to choke down his laughter, despite the shaking shoulders and rapidly reddening faces of the rest of the team.

“So sorry about that,” Shiro said, voice shaking. “Tickle, in my throat. Ahem. Shall we send you the forms?”

The Queen glared at them, taking a moment to glare at Hunk specifically. He looked entirely unbothered, pretending to check his nails. Lance was a mess of desperately held-in giggles on the floor next to him. Keith was turning purple with the attempt to keep his mouth shut. Pidge had completely given up and turned so her back faced the Queen, fist shoved in her mouth.

“Fine,” the Queen spat. “I’ve tired of Voltron’s blatant disregard for professionalism, anyway. And to think the maturity and grace of that Black Paladin is talked about at every interplanetary gala. Phooey. Send the forms to my handmaidens.”

The Skype ended.

There was a beat of silence.

Shiro glanced at Allura. Their eyes met for one half second.

Shiro lost it. Completely bent over at the waist, wheezing, barely able to breathe. Over the sound of his own laughter he heard Allura giggling as well, along with the rest of the team. Hunk surveyed them all, smirking like the cat that got the cream.

Shiro doesn’t know what he’s gonna do with these damn kids.

———

more of shiro being a loveable loser here

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poorly-drawn-mdzs · 20 days

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Knowledge Revenge.

#dungeon meshi #chilchuk tims #senshi #Somewhat of an unofficial sequel to the Dragon Comic. I promise I have more versatility in my jokes. I just had to take this opportunity.#Senshi is pretty much a recluse. I think he would know a few of these 'gottems' but not all.#Chilchuck would know gottems that are nearly lost to time. The deep cuts. The ones that you fall for because they are that obscure.#I would also like to take a moment to confess that after the last comic in which I posed a gottem -#I fell victim to a Mind Goblin Attack. I was thoroughly got. I will be on higher alert this time.#So NOBODY be funny in the tags. I am gullible and I like to share things with my friends. Who are *ruthless*.#I have a mild resistance to Vicious Mockery at this point but I can only take so much.#Happy Thistle Thursday Everyone! See you next week!

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spyglassrealms · 1 year

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had a fucking hilarious dream that tumblr replaced the "block" function with the far funnier "glock" function, which did the exact same thing except whenever anyone blocked you a random bullet hole, like a png of a bullet hole, would appear on your blog. discourse blogs were unreadable bc you'd go to the page and the sheer amount of bullet hole pngs stacked over the blogs obscured everything. I woke myself up laughing

#normally I don't chronicle my dreams here but fucking hell that one was funny #I think this would genuinely make tumblr better tbh #@ staff do this cowards #spy has thoughts #my life is a sitcom and i am my own laugh track #functional website #spy's smash hits #Glock function #edit for everyone in the notes saying 'everyone clapped'#I know I can't prove to you that it happened for real you're just gonna have to trust me on this #but I swear on my goddamn life I'm not making this up #I make so many conscious puns that sometimes my subconscious cooks up a real good one

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seriousturd · 3 months

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#tumblr polls #random polls #poll time #i love looking at usernames and wondering what it MEANS #so many of you guys have such cool sounding usernames #i just picked random words i like LMAO #serious because people always see me as super serious irl (i'm just a very anxious perfectionist lol)#and turd because i have the sense of humor of a toddler and think poop jokes are funny

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bereft-of-frogs · 19 days

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There’s that post that’s like ‘everyone should get into a tiny niche fandom at least once’ fully agree, that was really fun -- but I would like to add that everyone should get into a fandom where their opinions run counter to major fanon because it really teaches you about sticking to your guns and trusting your interpretation of the text without having to rely on peer validation

because WHAT are people talking about sometimes

#aka: genuinely sometimes I think I live in a parallel universe and simply watched/read different things #full disclosure it does make you feel like a killjoy sometimes #because often times these fanons will be presented in a silly jokey manner #'oh so silly isn't this character so funny this is just my silly little headcanon'#and it's like yes yes lol lol but ok look me in the eyes and tell me you know that this is #at best only one interpretation of many and at worst simply not supported by the text at all #please tell me you know that #or in one specific example such a ubiquitous joke that is literally a significant theme of the work and i feel like SUCH a killjoy #being like 'ok yes very funny.....you know that was a major theme right?? tell me you know that'

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theywontletmebeprincipal · 2 months

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obsessed w james somerton saying that he blacked out every time he failed to cite his sources like he’s the dr jekyll/mr hyde of plagiarism

#sanders bullshit #james somerton #civil disk horse #HE’S SO FUNNY. HOW DOES HE THINK HE’LL GET AWAY WITH ALL THAT #to be clear I am not making fun of his head injury it’s just that That Is Not How Head Injuries Work

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minnow-doodle-doo · 9 months

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Then Jason never kills again.

#dc #dc comics #batman #red hood #bruce wayne #jason todd #my art #I know that Bruce is an very optimist person and belives that the system can be fixed and all that but this is very funny #Jason got burned so bad he had to leave Gotham for a while to think about his choices

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hellspawnmotel · 2 months

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manifesting

#pokemon #pokemon legends za #plza #lza #trainer serena #volo #art tag #do i actually think this is gonna happen: no #but it would be so so funny

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crowleys-hips · 2 months

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wordfather · 1 year

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this is inexplicably my favorite tiktok ever it brings me to tears every time why did he do thatttt

#WHY DID HE DO THAT #i think it the buildup its so fuvking funny #im crying h fucking BUCKED

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mountainshroom · 2 months

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Recent hazbin sketches :) just a reluctant stepdad and his overenthusiastic daughter bonding

#i love their dynamic so much #also alastor being a old timey gentleman and pestering charlie about ’proper’ mannerisms is so funny to me #like my guy she is a whole princess i think she knows lol #hazbin hotel #hazbin art #charlie morningstar #charlie magne #alastor #hazbin hotel alastor #art #my art #fanart #digital art #sketches

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wolfythewitch · 1 month

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Statement begins

#art #sketch #jonathan sims #tma #the magnus archives #do i think he sits like this? no. do i think its funny to imagine? absolutely #brought to u by me who has sat in each of these positions #if he wasnt so absolute in caring for the files he'd probably nest in the boxes and files

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mrpsychokiller · 9 months

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i thought the "AND THE CROWD GOES HOME" style jokes were very funny but unfortunately my autistic ass has now become obsessed with just spamming these emojis on everything i say for dramatic effect to an obnoxious level LOOK AT THESE GUYS ☝️‼️💯💪☝️💥‼️🔥💯💪‼️💯☝️☝️☝️☝️

#its so bad but i always think its funny. im so sorry ive failed #🧃#not screenreader friendly #not screenreader safe #emoji spam

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cozylittleartblog · 10 months

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@staff if you [change] the [design] of the fucking [dashboard] i will kill you

edit. i want it on the actual post that i am not actually making a de-th threat against the staff. that's shitty. the caption quotes the fucking costco hot dog meme, which i originally said in the tags. if any staff member sees this please do Not take it personally